#i've said this before multiple times because i need to vent about it every time i see it

[captain-k8kat]

People who say diluc tried to kill kaeya

Oooooooo I am in your walls, i am coming for you, I will beat you up with a metal pipe, stop spreading these lies >:(

[commanderchr1st]

Why I left tumblr suddenly in 2017 at the apex of my blog commanderchrist.

I'm sorry to "break character," but I gotta say some shit as Joe that's been bothering me for years. It is corny, it is personal, it is emotional, but I've recently been facing a lot of personal turmoil, and I gotta say some shit.

I'm not calling anyone out, not trying to start drama, but for quite some time I've had some baggage that has caused me a great deal of mental damage, tbh. More below.

Hey all, 7-8 year old drama here. I've told my friends this story, and I've also kind of hinted at it, but I've never really gave an official response why I left tumblr in April of 2017. It's a really long story, and it's been connecting to a process of grieving multiple friendships, two relationships. I've never really wanted to talk about it too terribly much on an account that is so closely associated with what happened, I mainly spent time venting on private tumblrs, going to see doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, etc. For a half of a decade, I was extremely upset, and honestly, it kinda came back in 2022.

First off, fartdick-supreme was a blog I made a few days after I left commanderchrist. I was obsessed to see a particular user disparage me, make false claims, and I was very, very angry on that blog. So, if you do snoop a little, just know that's a hella mentally ill college kid writhing in pain, not a coherent blog at all tbh.

The above picture was sent to me on discord in November of 2016 before they started telling one of my friends I called them fat (and they knew that person had self image issues and most importantly I didn't), racist, treating Tumblr like a meat shop, telling somebody I had a crush on that I was exploiting them because of their pill addiction (just an insane thing to say tbh), conspiring with an ex that cheated on me to write a callout post about all of this and more lol. I deleted in 2017 because I was unmedicated, going through a pretty severe breakup, was taking more than a full-time load at school, and this former friend was doing shit like this almost every day of the week. I refused to talk about this until I've had a LOT of time to heal because tbh somebody who I considered a close friend doing this kinda shook my mental health. I deleted, but I never left. I really don't want to leave their URL or talk specifically about anyone who was impacted on tumblr, but this has also affected a lot of individuals I used to be friends with. And for a lot of that, I was the scapegoat. I accepted this blame. Even though I didn't do like...any of it. At the most, I was a mentally ill alcoholic who had a really hard time navigating friendships. A good deal of friends also had their own individual hardships, especially this individual who had spread these accusations to myself and my friends.

I think it's important to say that all of this started because I was talking shit behind the friends back. I said they were a sore loser, I said they were impossible to talk to, I said they were bossy when it came to playing games, I said they needed to work on their anger issues. And I denied it to them, which I should not have. I should have told my friend all the problems that I was having with them. I failed to do that, because they were a very defensive person. My friends tried too, but they did not have any luck. So, it manifested as anger, and I did talk shit about them to those friends. Word got back to them, and this is how it all started. I'm not going to point any fingers because MOST of those friends, I am still on good terms with, but there were definitely a few that also seemed to share similar frustrations in a public setting.

Maybe it's because I'm mentally ill, but I refused to confront this. I deleted. I left. I went on medication, I finished my degree. But I did not ever once publicly defend myself.

Fast forward to now, and in 2022 I was faced with a very similar situation. I had broken up with my partner of four years. I REALLY don't want to get into the details of that relationship because it was incredibly toxic. I did a couple things I was not proud of as a response, especially when it came to involving my family in our relationship. Both my ex and my mother tried to drive a wedge between me and the other person, and it was maddening. It was a horrible way to live. Especially since every interaction I had with my mother was her trying to pry me from that relationship. At the time, I thought she was being manipulative and shitty, but everything changed in December of 2021 when my ex went to go visit family and I was left alone after moving several times, being evicted twice during covid, making some dumb mistakes financially, and it all dawned on me.

I was being abused. My ex from 2017 had BPD, which is fine, but my ex from 2022 also had this condition. And I was able to see a parallel: I REALLY don't want to go in detail about my relationships tbh and was one of the reasons I didn't want to bring it up, but in both relationships I was put into some fucked situations. In both, any time I had issues with something it was like pulling teeth... 0-10 on the intensity meter. I would bring things up and immediately be disparaged, yelled at, etc. In one of those relationships, they were drunk daily and would call me up and yell at me. They were also sleeping in the same bed as their ex boyfriend for months and not telling me (it was long distance). They also had some sexual exchanges with a pretty well-known tumblr user. The other, long story short, sexually abused me a lot. Put me in a situation of fatherhood when I explicitly mentioned I did not want to be a part of it. They said it was okay. And it was all okay, until all the sudden our bank account was shared and I had moved to a different state. They trapped me financially, and cornered me into fatherhood. The rest of the abuse got a bit more intense when I was left isolated without family in the state I was living in. This shit is hella hard to talk about, but those two are linked. In December of 2021, I realized everything. I was terrified, depressed, isolated, and ruminating. I broke up with my most recent ex in 2022 because...well its complicated but I misinterpreted this grief as me being gay. I thought I was purely attracted to men, and vagina repulsed. It took me longer than this to realize no, I was repulsed by my ex because of sexual abuse. Anyways, when I broke up with them, they threw shit all over the place, some at me. They screamed at me and told me that I was a waste of four years. And they immediately told me I could not be a father anymore and could not see the child. When just month prior I was given a deadline on providing a child for them.

What did this all have to do with 2017?

I've lived long enough to see me make some pretty big mistakes twice in a row. It's not the relationships I regret, despite the abuse. It's the lesson that I failed to learn myself. I need to stand up for myself more, and not accept blame when I did not do anything. I've been diagnosed with (at the very least) minor Obsessive Compulsive Disorder recently, I've had some mental issues in the past. But we are exploring that this may have been derived from PTSD. I think these two scenarios have been a part of it. I've let this get under my skin. In 2022, I lost a couple friendships because I did not explain ANYTHING to them, and my ex spoke to them a day or two after our breakup when I was still grieving, processing, trying to figure all this shit out. I'm ready now. I am a mentally ill person who suffered abuse from other mentally ill people. I have made the mistake of allowing THREE people who have mistreated me and left me with lasting trauma rule my life. They made me run, I've allowed myself to become all the things these abusive people have wanted me to be because I did not stand up for myself, I did not deny anything.... I ran like a coward. I'm sorry for doing that.

To the select people who have heard these rumors from these people in my life, I don't blame you for believing them. As a matter in fact, I'm sorry that I did not explain everything to you.

It will not happen again. And if we have had conversations in the past, or you have considered me a friend. A friend. Not a funnyman, not a "derailer," not anything on this site. If you have talked to me, if you know me as Joe, not Jog. Feel free to DM me.

I've stopped with the anon messages, because tbh I don't want to deal with them. I've had this individual and a couple other send me them throughout the years. If they have anything to say, I'd appreciate them striking a conversation with me via here, discord, whatever. And the same with you if you're curious. Just come to me, ask. I won't yell at you. I won't say anything I won't want to say, either, so if you ask and we were never close or didn't have a friendship in the past, I may not be inclined to share more receipts that I have from this time frame. But I'm an open book.

If you've read this far and you've thought some of my posts are funny, videos, whatever. I just wanna say thank you for sticking with me and appreciating it. And thank you for hearing something out that you may have not had a general interest in. Again, this is not a callout post or anything like that. This was years ago, I'm ready to move past this. I need to heal, and if you were a part of this... even if you were shitty to me, I want you to heal and get help, too.

[cantwritethetword]

Shut up, Merlin!

Fic Descript: Arthur learns the hard way that Merlin is very talented in the art of revenge after the king gets stuck wrapped in the drapes of his bed.

~A/N  - HEY ANON I TOLD YOU I HAD A MERLIN FIC IN THE WORKS !!!

I thought of this concept like AAAAAAGES ago and thought it was super funny and perfect for our little dynamic duo.

I have been absolutely vibing while on medication for my ADHD it's so nice to just be able to ✨start things✨ ?? and then, leave those things and ✨return later ✨?? and not have to drag myself to the finish line ?? crazy

- Enoy! ~

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Merlin and Arthur would die for each other.

There was no question about it. And they had come pretty close to it on multiple occasions. Whether it be facing trolls, witches, wildren, or mortal humans, both would take a sword to the heart for the other if the need arose.

If no danger was in sight, however, they would gladly throw each other under (the medieval equivalent of) the bus.

The pair had been out hunting, and a rather unsuccessful hunt at that. Arthur was in piss-poor form, which meant Merlin took every opportunity to run his mouth (and annoy the king further). They were making their way back to the castle, Arthur leading the way and Merlin trotting along behind.

"-do you remember when you missed that deer that was riiight in front of you?" Merlin asked, his face would suggest innocence but his tone proved he was trying to piss Arthur off.

"Shut up Merlin." Arthur replied flatly.

"And what about that time you were aiming for that huge bird?" Merlin continued. "But it flew off before you even had the chance to line up your bow?"

Arthur glared directly forwards, to no-one in particular. "Shut up, Merlin."

The men turned their horses off the beaten path and onto a lesser known shortcut through the thick forest back to Camelot.

Partially to clear the path, and partially to vent his frustration, Arthur swung his sword in front of him to clear some of the vines blocking their way. Perhaps the thickness of the foliage would deter Merlin from any more snide comments, and make him focus more on directing his horse through the areas too thick for Arthur to break.

Surprise surprise, Merlin continued as before. "And the rabbit- oh the knights are never going to let you forget that you lost a sword fight to an unarmed bunny-".

"Shut up Merlin!" Arthur groaned, wiping his face with his hands to try and wipe Merlin's voice from his brain.

"But we haven't even got to the-"

Merlin's taunt was interrupted by a sudden quiet, one that Arthur whispered silent praise to. "Have you finally taken my advice?"

When his servant didn't reply, Arthur slowed his horse. The now unnerving silence made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end, and at the faint rustle of vegetation Arthur whipped his head round and drew his sword - prepared to leap from his horse and engage with whatever potential threat may have overpowered his friend.

But the moment his eyes caught sight of what made the rustle, Arthur burst into laughter.

Merlin hung a few metres behind his dismounted horse, completely tangled in the green ropes. The tautness of the plant rendered him almost immobile, a fact that was well demonstrated by his fruitless wriggling.

"Now," Arthur said with a grin, his previous sour mood turned completely upside down. "What was that you were saying about the knights not letting us forget things? Because I think they'd love to hear about this."

Merlin's glare shot daggers in Arthur's direction. "Hah hah." He said sarcastically. "Now help me down you ass."

Climbing off his horse, Arthur threw his sword into the dirt and sat on a nearby fallen tree. His grin eating more shit than a dung beetle.

Merlin scoffed. "Really? You're just going to sit there."

Arthur shrugged. "I've worked hard enough on this hunt, I think I deserve to have a bit of entertainment."

Merlin rolled his eyes and writhed further, pulling at the greenery with all his might before giving up and letting his body go limp.

"You're really not going to get me out of this?" He asked sincerely, a hint of annoyance still hiding at the back of his throat.

"You're a big boy Merlin." Arthur grinned cockily, stifling a chuckle. "You can do it."

With another roll of his eyes, Merlin continued to wrestle against the vines. But it seemed no matter which way he pulled, somehow he kept tightening the bounds that kept him suspended a few metres above the floor. He couldn't even use his magic with Arthur watching him this closely.

"You know Merlin, I think if you'd just relax you would have been free by now." Arthur continued.

Merlin made a few disgruntled noises before continuing to wriggle in the plants.

After a few minutes, Arthur stretched his arms dramatically. "I could take a nap by the time you've finished."

"Do it then." Merlin muttered under his breath. "Lazy ass."

Ignoring Merlin's comment, Arthur folded his arms behind his head and closed his eyes.

The warlock scoffed, before taking his opportunity to mutter a quick spell and free himself from the godforsaken foliage.

Unfortunately, he freed himself a little too eagerly, and left his body weight with nothing to support it. He toppled from the web of vines directly into a substantially deep patch of mud underneath him.

Arthur cackled at the sight, clapping his hands once before standing up and mounting his horse again. "Come on then."

Merlin grunted, dragging his feet through the ankle-deep sludge to where his horse was patiently waiting.

"I feel sorry for your saddle." Arthur grinned behind him. "Having all that dirt smeared over it."

Merlin shot him a glare. "And I feel sorry for yours, having your arse squashing it."

Rolling his eyes, Arthur quipped back a retort. "At least I'm not the one who has to clean it."

"I doubt you'd know where to start."

Early the next morning, before even the sun was up, Merlin snuck into the royal chambers. Not an unfamiliar process by this point, though usually it had far less exciting intent. This was not about cleaning, or polishing, or even returning stolen goods.

This was about revenge.

Focusing his attention on the sleeping king, Merlin swiped his eyes to the drapes of the bed at the top two corners, chanting an incantation. The fabric wound and tied itself around Arthur's wrists - perfectly balanced between holding firm without cutting off his blood flow. Then came the bedsheets themselves, winding around the bottom bedposts and around Arthur's legs with a similar spell.

Smirking to himself, Merlin slinked away to the furthest point of the room. Giving himself a mindless task of busywork to wait for Arthur to waken.

After what felt like hours, there was movement. At first, the sounds of a half-sleeping grunt and a rough attempt at turning himself over came from Arthur's bed. Then, a slightly bewildered collection of mumbles and tugs to the material. Before finally,

"WHAT THE-?" Arthur bellowed, thrashing in the binds. "MERLIN!"

Deciding to take this moment to make himself known, Merlin popped his head from around the corner. "Morning sunshine."

"Merlin." Arthur breathed an exasperated sigh of relief, before continuing his brash tone. "Get me out of here!"

Merlin smirked at his friend. "Oh but I've got a long day of work ahead, I feel I deserve some entertainment."

Arthur glared at him. "Merlin. Get. Me. Out."

Just to rub the situation in, Merlin sat on the lower half of the bed (where Arthur couldn't reach) with his legs crossed, letting his chin fall on his hands - eager to watch the show.

Realising his manservant was going to be absolutely no help, Arthur began thrashing again, tugging at the drapes of his bedframe with little success.

"You know," Merlin suggested. "If you'd just relax, maybe you'd get out."

"I can't relax!" Arthur cried indignantly. "I am stuck, and hungry - I haven't even had breakfast! I'm wasting away-"

"Oh you're fine." Merlin laughed, poking Arthur's exposed side.

Arthur shrieked and recoiled (as best as the bedding would allow), internally cursing his decision to sleep without a shirt on. He locked eyes with his manservant, watching the cogs tick momentarily in Merlin's brain.

"Oh~?" Merlin grinned. "What's this?"

"Merlin I swear to you..." Arthur threatened, trying his best to keep his composure. "I will throw you in the stocks if you come any closer."

Merlin shrugged. "You've done worse." And crawled closer.

"I'll have you executed!" Arthur's voice was beginning to break with nerves.

Merlin laughed briefly. "You wouldn't survive without me."

Pulling himself together, Arthur called upon his most serious, kingly, threatening tone. "I'll ban you from the tavern!"

Merlin rolled his eyes, before clambering behind his friend - reveling in the freedom he had to really draw out the anticipation.

"Guahards!" Arthur shrieked, a bark of laughter breaking up his command as he twisted as far away from Merlin as he could. "Help!"

"Oh they can't hear you." Merlin grinned, noting the way Arthur almost seemed to relax at that statement. Perhaps the king needed this more than he did.

Either way, Arthur was royally screwed.

Merlin's spindly fingers began climbing up Arthur's sides, making the king jolt and yelp with every touch. Even when all he could see was Arthur's reddening ears, Merlin knew Arthur's face was scrunched as tightly as possible - avoiding even the smallest semblance of a smile.

Surprisingly, as Merlin's hands climbed higher, Arthur's breathing relaxed. The tension in his muscles remained, not allowing himself the risk of letting out so much as a snicker, but clearly his ribs and armpits weren't where Merlin should be focusing.

Following the cues of his victim friend, Merlin let his hands drag down over the curves of Arthur's love handles. Instantly, the king's breathing hitched - bingo.

Continuing the previously-built anticipation, Merlin slowly scraped his blunt fingernails against Arthur's skin, pulling his digits from splayed out to centered on the king's sides. Arthur was practically vibrating at this point with the pure effort of keeping his reactions at bay. Desperately gripping at the tough-guy facade with a pained grimace on his face, he pulled at the drapes his limbs were caught in at violent, random intervals.

"You're allowed to smile, you know." Merlin teased right in his friend's ear, adding a little more pressure to transition into light poking.

Arthur yelped in reaction, before grunting - as if to remind Merlin that Arthur was the King of Camelot, far too tough for something as childish as being ticklish.

Unfortunately, he had a little shit of a man-servant. And someone who knew exactly what to do to get him to crack a smile.

"Huh, maybe His Majesty the King isn't ticklish after all..." Merlin proclaimed, watching Arthur's cheek twitch into a stifled (but amused) grin, before clawing his hands against Arthur's sides.

Arthur's body seized, pulling against the fabric holding him in place so tightly Merlin thought the bedframe might snap, before slumping into Merlin's tickly grasp.

And the sweetest, most childish giggles Merlin had ever heard bubbled out of Arthur's mouth.

"Meh-meh-meherlihin!" Arthur gasped between bouts of soft laughter. "Wahahait!"

"Oh?" Merlin raised an eyebrow (not that Arthur could see). "Are you ticklish, Arthur?"

Arthur ducked his head to his shoulder. "Shuhuhut up Meherlin!"

It was at this moment, Merlin realised that while Arthur was occasionally pulling on the binds, it didn't seem intentional. Arthur only seemed to really pull with one hand, and not even to protect himself.

It seemed he was only focused on covering his (now bright red) face... Interesting.

"What's the matter?" Merlin beamed, peeking his head around next to Arthur's. "It can't tickle that badly."

"Meherlin!" Arthur's eyes widened with a flustered laugh, before flicking his head in the other direction. "Shuhuht uhuhup!"

Merlin laughed. "You're one to talk about shutting up Mr Giggles."

Arthur's cheeks burned even brighter - the poor guy looked more flustered than Merlin had ever seen him before. At this point Merlin was having more fun teasing the king than actually tickling him.

Though by this point, Arthur was almost getting used to the clawing at his love handles, so Merlin decided to swap techniques and start squeezing at Arthur's hip bones.

Turns out, Arthur has the perfect layering of fat and muscle for Merlin to drill his fingers all the way into the king's hips without pain - just a hell of a lot of tickling.

Arthur screeched, and though his breathing became more frantic and his struggling became more erratic, the bubbly giggles from before sounded just as carefree (just a little less gentle).

"Meher- nohohoho- meherlin wahahait!" Arthur cackled, his face in a permanent beam.

"Well isn't this just adorable." Merlin teased, pitter-pattering his fingers over Arthur's stomach before returning to the king's hips. "You know, I don't think I've ever seen you this happy."

"Shuhuhut uhup meheherlin!"

Merlin grinned at his friend, finally deciding to show mercy. Poor Arthur was nearing exhaustion, and he still had a full day of training with the knights ahead of him.

With a swift, inconspicuous mutter, Merlin loosened the drapes holding Arthur hostage. It took the king a few moments to finally realised he could free himself, and he escaped with a little less hurry than Merlin expected.

But even after Arthur's breathing returned to normal, and the flush had almost faded from his face, Arthur still had a massive grin splitting his cheeks and his arms folded over his eyes.

Merlin stood off the bed and let his friend lie there for a few moments, waiting for the usual threat or sarcastic quip that followed their usual banter sessions.

"Will that be all, my lord?" Merlin grinned, moving towards the door (and hoping to provoke some sign of life out of the guy.)

Arthur just giggled again. "Shuhut up Merlin."

[gotham-native]

Vent

i don't know what to do

I've been a mess of emotions for the past weak over multiple things and today was just really bad. My feelings about my body have been getting worse and that's caused a big pause in a lot of plans I've had. i know I've said this before and that this is repetitive at this point but i really want to get into cosplay again because it made me so happy and i want to feel that again but when i look at myself i lose all wanting to do so. Plus i live in the middle of Yee-haw Pennsylvania and i honestly don't feel safe/confident cosplay here. I've been stressing about everything and have just been so physically and emotionally drained that all i do is work and then sleep. I'm in a difficult place with money because even though i have a job i have such a crippling fear of losing to all that i panic when i have to buy anything. i literally had a emotional breakdown over ordering Chinese food because i couldn't get what i normally do and the stress of having to pick something new. because of how stressed and tired i am I've been bitchy with my dad and little sister and that makes me feel worse because i don't want to be like that but i just can't help it. I have like 17 half finished headcanon/storyline post i want to work on but i quite literally can't because every time i try i just get so worked up over it. and i know no one will probably see this because it's just a bunch of self pitting bullshit but i just needed to get this out. on top of all of this I'm having a crises with my sexuality and i just don't know how or what to feel

[eternalsams]

Forgiveget Me -> personal vent

A/n: this is a personal ramble, vent, call it whatever you want. What you're about to read is a true personal story that happened to me a few weeks ago and in view of moving on from this, I decided to use my 'writing skills' to get the feelings out.

I am very proud of this because it was hard to go through this kind of event, this is something nobody deserves to go through so I also post this for everyone who might have lived something similar to tell them they're not alone and that their feelings are valid. You deserve closure just as much as I do, this is my way to get one.

As I'm posting this, I'm in a better place and even though I still have lots of mixed feelings about this situation, I've had multiple conversations with the other person and I will forever be grateful for them to help me with my communication. As I often say, communication is key, whatever you're feeling.

I tried being a little poetic in there, I hope it's not as cringe as I think it might be. So, enjoy!

Our meet cute never happened. Another hand used to hold yours when I first talked to you. When I first laughed with you. And yet I knew I liked you. You left and I almost forgot about you. Maybe it would've been better. Maybe you should've stayed out of my life. But you didn't. You stormed back in and I was so glad. Because above all that, you were a friend. Until that night. You were as lonely as I was and we found company in each other. We talked until late, we laughed about everything and nothing. And from that night I knew I was doomed. You couldn't be mine. Your hand started holding mine but nothing more could happen.

Maybe it was a "right person, wrong time" kind of thing. Maybe we just weren't meant for each other.

But you still held my hand, wrapped your arms around me, maybe you even kissed my head. I don't remember. Or maybe I would've wanted you to. I definitely wanted to kiss you. Wanted to hold you so close we might become one. You were the first one to make me feel so weak. The first one to hold my hand, to wrap your arms around me like you wanted me by your side forever. Forever ended sooner than I thought. You held me until our last moment together. Until I had to leave. It felt as if I had to leave the country because I knew even then you wouldn't hold my hand for long after that. But you held on for longer than I thought.

For months, your hand only held your phone when mine was sending you a text. I thought I was losing you multiple times but you were quick to reassure me, strengthening my trust and blinding me a bit more every time. I felt like I was falling hard and fast, only to land on the softest cloud. One day, my little cousin asked me if I had a boyfriend. And I said 'yes' because that's what you were to me. In a child's mind, it's not different if you're in love or not, it's all the same. You were my sweetheart. The one that made me blush looking at my phone. The one calling me pretty when I didn't feel like it. You were my everything.

And then you started taking your distance.

I didn't say anything. You were not mine to keep. But I definitely was yours. I had been yours since the first time you held my hand. Before you even called me beautiful. Before your arm wrapped around my waist to keep me close. I was entirely yours. I knew something was wrong when you stopped being flirty. When you only told me about your days and you stopped teasing me. I tried giving you some space, some time. But it hurt too much to do long, so I completely doomed myself. 'We need to talk'. I knew those words would hurt like hell if I ever received them. But nobody told me how hard it would be to press 'send' after writing them. Maybe I shouldn't have asked. Maybe I wouldn't be writing this if I didn't send this text. But I did. And maybe that's when our story needed to end.

When you told me you started holding another hand.

It broke something in me, maybe not my heart but definitely my trust. When I specifically told you I trusted you to tell me whenever you'd need to let go of my hand, ou said nothing. You lied. And that broke something in me. But how could I ever be mad? You weren't mine. You were free. I was not. You still held my heart in your hand and you'll probably always have a part of it with you wherever you go. You started holding her hand a few weeks ago, as you told me. But how could I ever put my trust in your words again? You said you were lost in your feelings but so was I. You were my everything and you just threw my hand away. At least, that's how it felt. I had done so much for you, shared so much, trusted too much. I said "I need time", you said "okay". You then asked if I was mad and at first I didn't lie. Even with everything we went through, I just couldn't be mad at you. But that truth became a lie when the shock faded away. I was so mad, so angry. How could you do that to me when all I've done was being honest with you? How could have I trusted you so easily? I was mad at myself for letting my guards down the moment you first looked at me with those eyes.

You were not different from the others. You all end up lying and breaking my trust. But you aimed higher and broke my heart in the process. I would've appreciated giving you the credit of being the first one, but that would be lying. It's not a surprise I loved you more than you did me, I got used to it. But I didn't expect it to be that painful whenever reality would've caught with me. I was done blaming myself, you were the one who cheated in our game. Not me. Not her. And that's why I couldn't even be mad at her. She didn't know. She thought she was holding a lonely hand when in fact I was there. Not completely, but I just couldn't let go of your hand.

I loved holding it, squeezing my fingers in between yours and feeling you squeeze in return. I miss this. I miss feeling you close to me, feeling your eyes looking at me with so much adoration and interest. I miss blushing because of the sweet words you'd tell me whenever I'd cross your gaze. I miss you.

And I know that even if you want me back, it would never be the same. I could never love you the way I loved you, talk to you the way I used to. Not because I don't want to. But because I couldn't, I wouldn't let myself. You broke something in me that day that will never be the same. You broke my trust, my faith, my self-confidence, you broke my heart. And I will never forgive you for that. No time, no patience will ever bring it back.

I will always accept your apologies because I know I deserve them, but you'll never hear me say "I forgive you". Because I don't.

tag list (people who interacted with the announcement of this vent and friends): @books4ever03 @shanimallina87 @hangmansgbaby @top-hhun-main @roosterforme @rawecreek @hookslove1592 @virgosunbaby

[deanthe]

//vent I really need to get this off my chest. After Splatoon 3's final splatfest comes to a close, I'm probably going to stop interacting with the Splatoon community as much as I can. It's been four years since I've gotten truly into Splatoon, (that's a complicated, yet much nicer story for some other time) and while I don't regret it by any means, it's definitely been an exhausting ride, and I kinda want to get off of it before I barf.

Getting the most obvious thing out of the way, the way Nintendo has been handling Splatoon 3 has been really disappointing. It has far more improvements than flaws, but this game has had some really bizarre decisions made with it compared to the first two games. Maps, kits, ETC... I'm not gonna delve into the specifics, you probably already know what I'm going on about. Secondly, while what I just said still holds true, I feel like the community reactions to these changes have been... a bit too much? Like, yeah, splatfests are imbalanced. Maps have been bad. (up until Drizzle Season 2023, at least) But these problems have been absolutely blown out of the water. Fucking, death threats have been sent to people who join the Shiver's teams. Despite the whole appeal of the Splatoon community being a place of self expression and lack of judgement, a lot of Splatoon subcultures really... aren't that great. Being deadass, competitive Splatoon is boring, and its players are super rude and annoying. I don't like to generalize, but I've yet to interact with a single comp player I enjoy talking to. Every single one I've met has tried forcing me to play a certain way, no matter if I'm even fucking playing with them. I was harassed for using sticks. In a B- lobby. Back when I was new to Splatoon 2. The hacking scene is a dumpster fire. The main person who's created the most well known and fun Splatoon hacking system is a piece of shit, for one. For two, have you even touched the first game anytime after 2017? Yeah, it's full of hackers. Can't play turf war for 15 minutes without having to sit there and not play the game because someone is hacking and getting away with it because Nintendo doesn't moderate the servers anymore. The Coroika fandom is if you took Splatoon fandom and infected it with My Hero Academia fans. Yeah. Are any of you familiar with Splatoon Florida? It was an old parody account on Twitter that I used to own that got popular SUPER fast. Could not handle it. It spawned nearly 50 clone accounts based on the other 49 united states, and I had even gotten impersonation accounts pretending to be me and saying really, really awful things. This paired with the queerphobia I faced and hatemail in general stacked on top of my mother having multiple strokes and almost dying at the time, pushed me over the edge, and I deleted SplatoonFL after someone told me that they hoped my mother had another stroke and died. Now, I feel like shit for name dropping people in my vent, as it's been awhile since most of this garbage has happened and I don't want to seem petty, plus this isn't intended to be a callout post. But I really do feel the need to let this shit out of my system, and frankly I'm tired of watching these people be appreciated while remembering what they've done to me, small and insignificant or not.

Theecorner, AKA Danniee, banned me from their Discord server after I loudly expressed distaste for jokes being made about Dream, as I was one of Dream's victims and felt very uncomfortable bringing him up. Keep in mind that insinuated that I did not enjoy the conversation multiple times.

Pufuu had made a Twitter post with a screenshot of our DMs. I was irritated that he had kept making fake Splatoon leaks with zero indication of them being concepts, and he thought that was wrong. A couple Tweets before this, ironically, he boasted about getting another annoying fake leaker to block him.

Caitlin Koi had acted aggressive towards me after I expressed concern for her after a seizure which, her seizures are very much real and very dangerous, though I should mention she also uses them as an excuse to be an asshole and guilt trip people.

Vaqeii. Fuck you. (He has very few actual fans, I just wanted to express my hatred towards that fucking slime since he's also one of the Splatubers who had traumatized me.)

I'd like to restate that I don't regret my time in the community one bit. I love it here for the most part. It's just gotten far too much, and I'm. Frankly a little bit done and ready to move on. I'll try to keep strong and stay for a bit so I can enjoy the rest of Splatoon 3's update cycle with my friends and the people I enjoy being around. After that though, unless something happens to change my mind, I'll be gone after that.

Knowing the current state of the Splatoon community, I wouldn't be surprised if I started getting harassed again for this post. Hell, wouldn't it be hilarious if THIS vent post got screenshotted and edited to be about Roller Coaster Tycoon, to? Yeah, that was a thing that happened. No, I haven't forgotten about that. You know who you are. Real fucking proud of you, I am.

[ahiddenpath]

Life Update

Talkin' about life beneath the cut. TW for medical talk, mentions of cancer (I am not sick, it's a family member), and family issues. Ngl, it's a heavy one, so please don't read it if you're not up for that.

It's been hard, lately.

Creative

I haven't written in like... 2+ weeks. That is not normal or comfortable for me. I am hoping to plan Koushiro week (dates and prompts) this week and share the info next weekend.

Family Stuff

A maternal family member's health is not looking great. They had the cancerous organ removed, but in the 30 day rest period after surgery, the cancer spread to 2 non-removable organs. They will be starting immunotherapy, as chemo is not usually effective for one of the organs. This family member is in their early 60s, so this is... quite early to be in a multiple organ cancer situation (although cancer knows no age, but... You know what I mean).

We can do a lot for cancer patients these days. I've been researching immunotherapies professionally for 12+ years, so, like... Yeah, we've come a long way, so there is hope. Still, this is devastating news for my family. All I want is for my family member to recover, and to provide effective support without stepping on toes or being insensitive by accident.

With all this going on, my mom isn't doing well. She has her usual stuff. Briefly, for anyone who might be new to my life posts, her husband/my father is a horrible person, I started asking for protection and if we could get away from him when I was 12. Only one family member tried to help me- the same one who has cancer. I've been no contact with my father since I left home in my early 20s. My mother remained with him, and constantly requests help and support because of his abuse. I have to constantly remind her that I can't do anything while she remains with him, as it would put me in his path. And, uncomfortably, I have had to remind her that:

1.) She is an adult and can leave at her discretion

2.) No one helped me when I was a child. Her expectation that her adult child save her is... Not easy to swallow.

Our relationship has always been complicated, but it really suffered a blow about a year ago, when she asked me to lie to the government to save her business (I don't want to get into details, but it was pretty gobsmacking). I of course said no, and provided a legal and much safer alternative, but it would have cost effort, time, and money from her instead of having me take care of everything and, you know... Lie to the government. She responded to my info email, which took me hours and hours of research and several phone calls to assemble, with a nasty response. She did apologize via text a few days later, but things never really recovered. I went from seeing her monthly/every other month to maybe three times per year.

She called about two weeks ago and just... Emotionally dumped on me, the way she did when I was a kid. About how awful her job and husband are, about her family member's illness. And look, everyone needs emotional support, but we don't have that relationship, and I'm also struggling with my family member's diagnosis. Then, she called wanting to meet up with me, which... I frankly don't want to do.

I am not sure what she wants. She might want someone to vent to more, which can't be me. If I do go, I will take my husband- she is far better behaved around him. I'll also make sure it's somewhere I can get up and leave. But people often want to repair relationships when faced with illness of a loved one, and to be honest... I'm much more comfortable with where our relationship is now.

Life stuff

Some friends visited my house for 4 days last weekend, from Fri-Mon. I'm lucky to see them once per year, for reference, because of how far apart we live. It was very fun, but I found myself feeling my age (mid 30s) in ways I never have before. I get up at 7 AM and go to bed around 11 PM, every day. My friends stayed up until like 1 AM and woke up at like 10-11 AM. It's like fucking jet lag, man, I'm still thrown off. A lot of our activities involved eating, too, and holy shit, I have learned that I cannot do that. I have to stick to my normal light breakfast and lunch and everyday dinner. Like, I can do maybe 1 big ol celebration meal per week; I cannot do 1 every day for 4 days. My body neither knows or cares when I'm on vacation and/or with friends.

This is absolutely absurd. I could have done this just fine even like... Idk, 3 years ago??? This is one of the first times I've really, really felt like I'm getting older.

I'm so mad at myself because I was taking decent care of myself in the spring. I started hiking and working out and eating a little better. But when summer hit, it was literally over 90F every day for like... Nearly 3 straight months. It used to be 80s with a few absolute melting days. Now, every day is one of those outliers. I've been stuck inside and not wanting to go out, which, of course, impacts my mental health. I've been feeling lowkey sick/exhausted with stomach issues for nearly three months. I'm really looking forward to the fall and cooler weather, but ofc I need to figure out how to deal with things when I'm stuck inside.

In better news, my husband and I planned our vacation this year. It's... not something I would pick. We are going to Vegas for a few days. I have sensory issues, so uhhh this is not... Good lol! But he's been a Penn and Teller fan since he was a child, and I think they're in their 70s. He wants to see them perform, so we shouldn't put it off, and after the Japan trip last year, I wanted a domestic trip. We're only there for 3 or 4 nights (and holy batman, the hotel rates were absolutely bonkers). The week after, we are going to the Shenandoah Valley area and chilling in a house by a river for three days. I am hoping to see Luray caverns and Shenandoah National Park on the days we are arriving and leaving. This is something much more my speed.

The bad news is that we spent a huge amount of time this weekend planning what we are doing. Vacations have gotten so much more difficult to plan and waaaay more expensive since the pandemic. It's at the point where I question if it's worth it, which is insane because it's such a beautiful world out there! But also holy fuckin shit batman!!!!!

Work

Work is annoying, idk what to tell you, but they pay me pretty well and my boss and coworkers are nice. Nothing really unusual to report.

I hope you are all healthy and well! Please take care of yourselves! Thank you for caring about me <3

[whiterosechrista]

Introduction

So. I'm realizing (with the vent time post kerfuffle) that it'd probably be a good idea for me to give people a basic understanding of who I am and where I come from, so that they can reference it if any of my posts come off odd/offensive/etc. out of context.

Basic Facts

I'm 24 years old, Caucasian, American, biologically female, comfortable with she/her and they/them pronouns. I'm an introvert who doesn't get out often, but I'm not some basement-dwelling Neckbeard-equivalent. I have a strong sense of empathy, which leads me to want to play mediator often (though thankfully I'm aware of my limits and don't act on every want). My likes include anime, storytelling, art, history, SCP, Kpop, science, outer space, and mac n' cheese (among other things). My dislikes include racism, ablism, homophobia, transphobia, and basically anything else involving unreasonable hate.

History

I grew up as effectively a single child, moving back and forth between houses because my parents were already separated, though not officially divorced. They both loved me, and tried their best to raise me well, but (for reasons I'll touch on later) I definitely bonded more with my mom than my dad. There was one house that at least one of them always lived in consistently, so I think of it as my childhood home.

I was a fairly happy child, I think, though there were some issues with bullying that I can't remember clearly anymore, and it did affect me, though maybe not as much as the school itself; I used to love to draw/paint, and I stopped after I got into school because art class convinced me I wasn't doing it "right."

The teachers (some, at least) didn't like that I learned differently than other kids (e.g. making connections between concepts in Math and English at age ~8), and so made me take one of those "morality tests"; multiple-choice questionnaires about moral decisions like returning a lost wallet (which, btw, I left blank because they hadn't given me enough info about the situation; they decided that meant there was something wrong with me).

(Ironically, this was a Montessori school, which are supposed to be less rigid about teaching styles than standard schools.)

So I transferred to a different Montessori school at age ~10, which had a system where kids would sign their name on their class sheet when they came in, and didn't like that I stopped to say hi to kids in other classes first (for reference, my class was on the second floor, the other kids' were on the ground floor).

Thus, for either this or some other reason, they recommended I go to therapy. My mom, thinking "well, she might have reason to need it", agreed. I spent a while there before the therapist said "this is the most well-adjusted child I've ever seen, please leave so I can tend to people who actually need me."

After about a year of this school, Mom asked if I'd like to try homeschooling, and that's what I've been doing ever since (though technically what we did was unschooling, which is a bit different).

It was after I started homeschooling that I started writing, got really into anime to the point of learning Japanese by watching it, and made my best friends to date.

I've done things like ballet, gymnastics, parkour, circus arts, piano, roller derby, and sang/played at Girls' Rock Camp/Club Boston (though I think the name's changed to be more gender-inclusive). I don't do much of this stuff anymore, though I might get back into it at some point.

Pre-Covid, I was taking drawing classes and Japanese classes (mostly for reading it, since anime didn't teach me that), and back in 2022, I got officially certified to teach English as a second language (though I've yet to find a job, unfortunately).

I'm currently living in an apartment with my mom, sitting around with a sprained back, hoping that it'll heal in time for my best friend to take me on a Duck Boat tour in Boston on June 2nd, and blogging for the first time in my life.

I hope this has helped. It feels like an info-dump, but apparently I can't make anything concise, so here we are.

Feel free to ask/comment/dm me for more details about anything (or just to chat). I might not be comfortable with sharing some things, but most things I should be fine with. Just be respectful about it and we should be good. :)

Edit; just realized I didn't touch on why I bonded more with my mom than my dad. The short version is that mom is open-minded, gentle (though she can definitely be stern), and always asks what I want before doing something, and my dad sort of doesn't always "get it." For instance; the moment I turned 16, he started badgering me about getting my driver's license, even though I barely went anywhere that wasn't in walking distance and anywhere I didn't could be accessed by either public transport or someone else driving me. He also wanted me to do SAT prep and similar things, got stuck in the "Alternative Medicine" rabbithole and somehow still manages to be surprised that my mom won't make me try it without my consent (for reference, this was after I sprained my back; it's not the first time he's wanted me to try Alt Meds and definitely not the first time my mom's refused). So, yeah. He's not a bad guy, and he definitely tries, he's just a bit too stuck in his own world sometimes.

[enbycarp]

Vent time.

I feel a bit self conscious about my showing routine. I shower every other day, now. But there was a period of time when i could rarely bring myself to shower. I would like to shower daily, but the effort is too much for me. But every other day keeps me from being stinky, so that seems ok. I always shower the day before i work (i don't shower in the morning). I think I'm doing my part to hold up the social contact expected of me.

Mom only showers before she has a doctor appointment. That doesn't seem like a problem to me. I have never commented on it.

When i take a shower, i warn mom first, because she has a tendency to start washing dishes or something while I'm in there, and using up the hot water (we don't have a great water heater). For a long time, mom would make comments like "why do you shower so much" and i tried to respond logically with "it's not that much" and "i have multiple skin conditions that get worse if i don't use specific products regularly." But still she'd "tease" me for taking showers as if i was being the weird one.

I do not like being told I'm weird.

So finally i told her to please stop commenting on how often i shower, it makes me uncomfortable. She mostly has listened. Still sometimes when i mention I'm getting in the shower, she says "again?"

Today a new unwelcome comment happened. I'm feeling very sick, and could not sleep until 7am this morning. When i finally got out of bed and had breakfast, i sighed and said, "dang, i need to do laundry."

Mom said, "again? You do laundry every day!"

"I do it once a week," i said, always automatically falling back on what's literal.

"No you do it more than that," she said, annoyed.

I don't. I do laundry every Sunday or Monday. I do it once a week because i have seven favorite shirts and seven favorite pairs of underwear. Sometimes i wear a shirt two days in a row if it's not dirty. But if i want to avoid my less favored clothes, i need to do laundry once a week. Also, i wash my bath towels every week. This seems normal. This seems desirable. I suddenly realized that laying out my specific reasons for doing laundry once a week wasn't going to help.

I said, "please stop giving me a hard time for having good hygiene."

I felt bad immediately after for perhaps insinuating that mom has bad hygiene. That's not what i meant. Mom and i live different kinds of lives. Mom doesn't get her clothes dirty as easily because she's not cleaning and cooking and whatever every day. Mom isn't autistic, so she doesn't have only a week's worth of clothes that she's most comfortable in. She has lots of clothes to cycle through. It's never my intention to tell mom she's doing her life wrong.

But mom said "oh" and she chuckled like this was all in good fun.

Meanwhile, i need to mentally prepare myself to have this conversation multiple times before it sinks in because of mom's memory problems.

Anyway, i love my mom and also I've just been getting worn down lately by some of realities of living with an aging parent.

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

Sorry this turned more into me venting than a question lol. Your blog just kinda feels like a safe space 🙃

My appreciation for jungkook has grown so much this year. I've just never seen an idol genuinely care and appreciate his fans the way jk does. I know he goes above and beyond, so what he does shouldn't be expected... but I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that no other member has gone live. Maybe it'll change in the next few hours, but if it doesn't, then it just sucks because don't they want to say goodbye to us? We're not gonna see them for 18 months :( I know they did the group live but it was so chaotic 😅 I would think they might want to do a solo one to just say everything that's on their mind like jungkook did. I know a lot of people have been coming for jk about parasocial relationships and whatnot, but I honestly believe it goes both ways. Like you could just feel how much he cares by the way he stops and makes sure to greet and bow at every fan or the way he always rolls down his car window no matter what (even when we don't deserve it). I've seen how other idols sometimes just walk past fans/crowds without a glance. Jk comes on lives just to chat with us, while other idols usually only go on when they're promoting. Jungkook isn't my bias, so maybe that's why I'm feeling a bit hurt and jealous lol... how are you handling the enlistment news?

Thanks! My blog is always a safe space for asks like these! <3

It's true that Jungkook has really connected with Army this year. He's always loved us, but I think now he feels so much more confident being himself around us and has developed the kind of relationship he wants with us, so he's much more comfortable going live. Maybe before negative comments affected him more, and he was careful in what he said or did, but now that he can shrug off the haters and be himself fully, I think he's gotten closer to us and our relationship has improved! I think Armys really became friends to Jungkook in a way we weren't before. But maybe I'm wrong. I've only been Army since 2019, and the COVID era was an anomaly. Jungkook also had more free time to go live in the beginning of the year compared to before.

But, yeah, all the other members went live! Jimin went live for a short while, I think V went live too (I'm not sure), but he shared many pics and goodbye letters so that was enough! I'm not sure if RM went live but I think he might've a while back. He shared so many pics, letters, song recs, etc. though - his goodbye letter was so Namjoon and more than enough... I think they all said goodbye. Jimin probably did the least, but since he doesn't seem to take pics and doesn't know what to say during lives, I think he went more quietly.

The parassocial accusations for Jungkook are pure bullshit. Kpop stans need to unlearn that word. That man has drawn clear limits - he's told stalkers off multiple times, said fans need to deal if he does something they don't want even though he understands everyone likes different things (ie. Seven explicit lyrics) - so I don't get why JK calling Armys his girlfriends (usually when they ask) or talking about how much he loves us is such a big deal. I'm sure if any fan seriously told him not to date someone because Army was his girlfriend, he'd tell them off politely.

I think people just want to assume the worst of Jungkook. And kpop stans sadly hate other stans so they can never understand the idea of an idol genuinely liking their fans...

Anyway, I thought I was going to be so heartbroken when Jungkook left but I'm too sick (with the flu) and busy with work to process it. I still can't believe Suga is enlisted... He went so quietly it feels like he's just in one of his phases where he goes off the grid lmao.

Tbh, even with Jin and Hobi, though I miss Jin especially, what I miss most is the group and not any individual member. I'll miss Jungkook a lot though for sure - just not now.

BTS is all enlisted... There is no BTS now... They'll come back in two years... I think it's too early for us to process what this means. For the next few months nothing much will change. We already have content lined up. But somewhere down the line, it'll hit us more.

Thanks for the ask! How are you coping with the enlistment?

[the-one-who-lambs]

🐑🐑🐑 (3) (for the fic ask thingy in case this confuses u lmao)

3. What’s something you learned about yourself as a writer?

This is... a long one. TL;DR: It took me a while but I finally, actually internalized that I don't need to set goalposts for myself and consistently move them.

Story's gonna get vulnerable and involve a few other people too. Many of y'all probably saw me go through a whole character arc but I've never really talked about how I felt about this (aside from a couple close friends).

Around July/August, I noticed my readership going down because I had just finished a big writing project and I was moving on to other stuff/trying to figure out what my next big thing was gonna be. I have always always written for myself but ngl, getting lots of consistent engagement and then suddenly not as much anymore made me wonder if I was doing something wrong, if the quality of my works were going down. I vented to a group of friends (including you lmao sorry Juliet) about it and they were like "chill it's the beginning of the semester and people are getting rly busy it's ok" and I was like "yeah makes sense" but nope, I had just plateaued and was dropping off a little for a couple months.

Around the same time, I posted about reaching some sort of milestone and got an anon (maybe well intentioned but it seemed kinda backhanded) that basically said "oh if you ACTUALLY have that many reads that makes you the most popular writer in the cotl fandom. I'm gonna place u above everyone else due to this metric I just kinda invented." And once I noticed my readership had stopped growing and just kinda leveled off/dropped a little bit it made me anxious. Sadly, "keeping others interested" with my writing wasn't really a concern of mine until this started bothering me

I did know that recognition was not the same thing as talent but silly perfectionist brain thought "oough you're the exception btw. you're just not interesting anymore and therefore you're probably not as good anymore lol"

Anyway. October rolls around. I start getting some asks comparing my writing to bamsara's, starting with them mentioning little details that sound very similar but realistically are coincidences because sometimes multiple writers see a theme/motif and we all start chewing it. Anyway, it's obvious that anon is just trying to start shit. Maybe they saw how I'd been kinda beating myself up abt my writing for a little while and tried to make me jealous of them. I don't know. It's probably not worth trying to understand tbh. I just delete the asks. I keep anons on just in case there's a genuine concern.

at this point I'm gonna interrupt to say EVERYTHING TURNS OUT OK I PROMISE and I'm not tagging you in case it's a sore spot but Sara if you're reading this I'm literally so sorry that me learning the lesson I got out of this involved you getting these nasty messages too.

Bam posts something kinda vague about how they get compared to some writers they've never read before. I hope this is a coincidence but alarm bells are going off and I keep this to myself.

Anon keeps doing this every once in a while for a few weeks; at first it looks like anon is accusing bamsara of copying me (???? like i said, we're just exploiting similar themes) and then it starts turning into basically "they're doing everything you're doing but better." Bam obviously hadn't done anything wrong, so I keep supporting them as I do the other writers in the fandom. Eventually the anon gets kinda pissy that I'm not envious or trying to tear someone else down or whatever. I've kept this mostly to myself and they don't like that.

So when they send an ask in mid-November and this had been going on for a few weeks I finally answer an ask to tell them to shut the hell up (gracefully) and then I forget about it and go to sleep. Wake up the next morning and uhhh. See Bam feels like shit because they got a really scathing message. Comments say it happened during a stream and I check it to see if it's the same anon and it is. Fuck on a stick. I literally burn myself out with anger over the next two days until I donate to their kofi as a peace agreement. They reach out and apologize for something they didn't do and it takes me until now to realize that literally nothing I have worried about over the past few months matters at all.

Anyway. It all turns out fine because we become mutuals and hype each other up. Kicker is, whoever it was forgot to turn off anon in Bam's askbox so we got to block them and I'm pretty sure they deactivated too lmao. I reached out to a bunch of writer friends and checked in with them to violently spread positivity and I've been trying to violently spread positivity as much ever since. Yay. Happy ending but sucks that this had to happen for me to crush my anxiety. Bam and I are buddies now and I've also befriended many more writers since, too. cotl writers we are unionizing.

[bbluejoseph]

20 questions for fic writers

thank you for tagging me @thatbluelight !! i'm not always an ask games kind of person, but This. this is perfect and i had a lot of fun with it :)

how many works do you have on ao3?

98! getting veeeery close to that big 100 lol

2. what's your total ao3 word count?

486,142 apparently. not quite as many as i thought lol

3. what fandoms do you write for?

twenty one pilots, although i do have an old wtnv crossover in the mix somewhere. i've been thinking about writing for the nbc hannibal fandom, but haven't done it yet

4. what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

bio is #1 by quite a bit <3 followed by odium, which i don't really like as much as i did when i first wrote it. after that is surrounded/hounded, spend some time (forever), and know me. oh god i forgot about that one

5. do you respond to comments? why or why not?

i try to, especially if they're longer comments, if people ask questions, if people said they liked the work, etc. i really appreciate the feedback and hearing how much people like something i've made motivates me to write more by a million lmao

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

probably home or colder bones

7. what is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

no one's gonna love you, not just bc everything works out and they get together but bc i was really happy with that ending and with the finished work

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

8. do you get hate on any fics?

not that i've ever noticed

without going into detail, i've written mlm and wlw. i generally try to make it abstract/not use explicit language because i have a Normal Healthy Relationship with sex and i can definitely say the word "cock" without wanting to tunnel into the ground like a gopher. as you can probably tell by this fic

10. do you write crossovers? what's the craziest one you've written?

just the pilots/wtnv crossover one, nothing too crazy (yet)

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

not to my knowledge

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

yes, a few times! i Need to remember to put the translation link in the author's notes and notify people in the tags that there's multiple versions available

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

i've had other people beta for me once or twice, and sometimes i've beta'd for other people, but other than that, no. a proper collab sounds fun though!

14. what's your all time favorite ship?

tyler n josh obviously but doesn't have to be romantic!! i just think they're neat :)

15. what's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

if i listed every wip i've ever wanted to finish here, i'd be here all day lol. off of ao3, i'd love to finish all is cold betwixt; i have the whole thing mapped out, i just never wrote it. off the top of my head, i've got another shapeshifter one that's a bit less angsty than surrounded and a bit more silly. there's another more personal one that involves growing up in a changing climate, but it's never really gotten anywhere and was mostly just a vent fic. but probably the one i'd most like to finish involves love and fire and a terrible, terrible curse (or is it) with a splash of survivor's guilt.

16. what are your writing strengths?

once i get going on a writing session i Will keep going for a while. like if i get in the Writing Mood and sit down and actually do it, i'll get a shit ton of it finished

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

too many commas probably. also lately i've been starting fics without a general idea of the ending or how to get there, which leads me to abandon them or take long ass breaks. i also have trouble actually sitting down and Writing because i get distracted by other things that are less intense and require less focus but are still fun

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

nothing wrong with that, though i've never done it myself. i do appreciate when authors add a translation of the dialogue into english though so i don't have to whip out google translate

19. first fandom you wrote for?

warrior cats. i was 13, didn't have any social media, and i put several chapters to a spiral-bound notebook. not my best moment

20. favorite fic you've written?

no one's gonna love you and home are tied for #1, with surrounded/hounded and spend some time (forever) tied for #2. all my lady pilots stuff is #3; i don't think it's necessarily good but i enjoyed writing it!

tagging a few of my fellow fic writers here! no pressure to do the tag, and if anyone wants me to tag them, i'm happy to

@i-seeaspaceshipinthe-sky @rabler @edyluewho @kiitchensiink

i KNOW there's more but i don't know everyone's tumblr urls since they aren't the same as their names on ao3 lol. if you see this and you want to do this, this is me tagging you <3

[fxllen-rxse]

//The frustration is so real.... Here comes a work vent... If it's not you're thing, just ignore. I'll delete later, but I'm desperately needing to get this off my chest.

I've never been so utterly frustrated with work.

We have a young clerk that we hired back a little over a year ago. She's 21 now, has a one year old and is dealing with the kid's father, who is younger and cheated on her. So he's not really in the picture, so to speak. She lives with her mom right now.

She worked here when she was in school, but when c/vid hit, the owner "furloughed" her and someone else. Both ended up quitting. She was hired back when we had someone else quit last year since she was already somewhat trained.

Was fine at first, but her attitude towards others, we have learned, isn't the best. We've had mentions that she has been rude and at least 1 customer literally said that she has the personality of a tree. She has also been "written up" once or twice before.

She is currently less than part time so she can keep her state health insurance.

I've given her the benefit of the doubt, of course. Maybe it's just being blown out of proportion, but as time went on, she's become more and more flaky and undependable. Almost every pay period since she's been back she has missed a day a two. Either due to her kid or herself constantly being sick, which I get. It happens, but it's become such a regular thing anymore. Sometimes she'll also say she has some kind of emergency and is very vague about details and when or if she will be at work, which gives us little time to get coverage for her, if any. One time she was supposed to cover for someone on Saturday, but the day of, she was suddenly sick. This has happened on more than one occasion.

When she does mark herself off, she tends to either forget to tell anyone or just assumes it's fine. For example, a couple days prior, she half heartedly mentions that she won't be in on a Monday because it's her son's first birthday and it's special. Mondays are normally busy and she didn't even mark it down.

On top of this, she is supposed to take 30 minute lunch breaks. She marks herself down for such, but spends an additional 20 or so in the restroom afterwards. It might as well be an hour, but it's clearly not marked that way. Let alone the fact that she just randomly disappears in the middle of stuff for the same amount of time without saying anything multiple times per day.

So recently, several of us has voiced our frustrations with her. My husband, who is mostly in charge of the scheduling, talked with the owner, who already isn't fond of her because she has a nose ring, among other things. Supposedly he just wanted to fire her, but they're going with another approach. Getting fazed out, in a way. She will get her hours cut starting next week when school is out and two of our other employees can actually show up and work.

My husband informed her of this last Wednesday, after she somehow suddenly became sick and wanted to leave at 3. Afterwards, she left upset, and later texts him asking if she were to "accept" these new hours, which would be 3-6 m-f (because she doesn't want to work Saturdays, which is just 9-1), if she could get a raise...

When I was told about this, I couldn't wrap my head around it.... So she wanted more money for less work?!! And the fact that she assumed it was a choice?? I'm just.... I don't....

I have worked here for more than ten years and I don't think I've ever dealt with this amount of stress with another clerk. I am also a clerk. I am full time and, anymore, I feel like I'm babysitter when she's here just to make sure she isn't rude with people.

Maybe this is selfish of me. I'm older than she is, obviously. I have no kids and don't plan on having any, but as someone who doesn't and has had to work since I was 18, lost 2 parents at 20, and moved out shortly after to get away from my abusive step mother, I've been fortunate enough to work my way up to this point where my husband and I are stable with money and stuff and still have some luxuries sometimes. It wasn’t easy by any means.

And to some extent, I have some of my mom's leftover life insurance money to thank for a few things, but aside from that, neither of us were never just handed anything. We both have had to work our asses for this.

I will admit, her situation sucks all around. We have at least one tech who is against the idea of cutting her hours. He told my husband that it's "evil" and she's just a kid.

Maybe I am selfish. I have no kids and I don't know what it's like, but it's increasingly difficult for me to feel sorry for someone who's work ethic is almost nonexistent and just thinks she can get away with being paid more for doing as little as possible. Let alone made some poor life choices. I hate that I have think of it this way and I feel terrible, but I'm just frustrated to no end anymore.

[stanurines1mp]

Wanting You

A decision to be made… A path to her life… Erika Smith found her answer. From Attack On Titan / Shingeki No Kyojin, An Armin Arlert x OC Story.

𝙤𝙣𝙚

𝙥𝙡𝙖𝙮𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩 ← 𝔭𝔯𝔢𝔳 𝔫𝔢𝔵𝔱 → 𝔪𝔞𝔰𝔱𝔢𝔯𝔩𝔦𝔰𝔱

Erika Smith had her eyes focused on the writings in the book she held. Just a random book she found on one of her cousin's shelves but she took an interest in it. Her body slouched against the chair she was sitting on by the window, feeling the warmth of the sun hitting her skin. 

Her lips were confined between her teeth, her eyebrows furrowed as her pupils followed the words intensely, her focus solely on the content of the book. She was much too invested that she couldn't even hear the voice of her cousin who had just entered the room, calling her name multiple times already. It was only when she caught a glimpse of his shadow over the pages of the book that she noticed his presence. 

She looked up, seeing the tall man standing in front of her, intimidating eyes and thick brows staring down at her, his hands crossed over his chest in a serious demeanor. She could sense the tension in his shoulders, which only proved the situation to be a serious one. She took a sharp inhale, closing the book shut quickly that she forgot to mark the page she had stopped at. She cursed herself silently for having forgotten that. 

"Is everything okay?" The girl questioned, her tone careful and polite but curious all the same. 

"We need to talk," he commanded, turning around to lead her to the living room or somewhere less private than her room. 

She followed after him, watching as he took a seat in an armchair. She followed his action, taking a seat on the sofa across from him. He leaned back against the chair, his eyes still holding the same sentiment as before. "What's this about?" She asked again. 

"I know you signed up to be a Cadet," he plainly said, though his eyes contradicted the calmness in his voice. 

Upon hearing his words, her green-colored orbs widened, and another curse to herself sent in silence. "I can expl-"

"Why didn't you tell me?" 

"Because I know you'd react this way!" She defended lightly. 

"Then why apply?" 

"Because I want to help. Like you helped!" She let out, though she knew that wasn't really the reason. "Why are you so against it, Erwin?" 

"You know why," he firmly said, leaning forward, eyes more stern than before. If that was even possible. "I've watched many of my comrades die and I don't want you to meet the same end." 

"That's because you're a Scout. I don't have to be a Scout," she reasoned. "I can be in a Military Police-"

"And if you don't qualify for it?"

"I'd have the Garrison Regiment," she said plainly. 

"So you'd choose those over the Scout Regiment?" He asked, tone steady as his brows quirked. 

It took the young girl a second to reply. Her head was tilted down, her tone lowered as she let out a small "No."

"That's what I thought," he replied in a matter-of-factly tone. "I don't want to have to worry about you-"

"Then what about me?" She suddenly asked, her voice louder than before, almost angry. When she saw the puzzled look on his complexion, she continued, "I have to stay home every day and worry for you! I have to wait days and days for you to come back home!"

"Erika-"

"Then, even when you all have returned, I still have to search for you in the crowd! Because there is no guarantee that you're safe! That you're alive! I've already lost most of my family, I can't lose you too!" She vented, her eyes full of emotion as her words slipped out of her tongue. "But I can't stop you from achieving your goals," she added, her voice now lowered. "So you can't stop me either. Whether you approve or not, I will join to become a Cadet." 

The older man had no words left on the tip of his tongue. As his younger cousin was typically a lively girl, he was shocked to have witnessed her outburst. Maybe her emotions were kept bottled up all this while. Remaining silent, his lips agape as his eyes stared blankly at her figure, she left the living room and went to her room instead. 

She carefully closed the door, not wanting to slam it in case of a sign of disrespect. Because after all, that was the man who had taken care of her since she was young. Erika laid herself on her bed, taking a pillow to cover her face that was tainted red in the embarrassment of her own rant. 

She could then hear footsteps approaching her bedroom door, belonging to none other than Erwin. The young brunette knew her cousin was right outside her door through the shadow he cast over the gap under the door, probably to 'discuss' with her about things. 

But she felt like she needed to be alone at that moment. And she was praying under her breath for him not to continue his intention by rapping his knuckles against the wooden door. By some miracle, her wish was answered. 

On the other side of the door, the blond man let out a defeated sigh as he lowered his fist from the door and down to his side. He began to walk away, his mind already thinking of his next moves. 

The girl refused to leave her room but she had no choice when darkness loomed over her room, the lack of sunlight indicating that dinnertime shouldn't be much longer. She slowly removed the pillow that rested on her face and pushed herself upwards. Her legs moved to the side, dangling over the edge of the bed. 

She got up and walked towards the door, turning the doorknob. She made her way towards the kitchen and rustled through the pantry for any appropriate ingredients. Then, her routine began. Not much longer, the kitchen smelled aromatic and her cousin soon appeared in the room. Neither of them said a word, only doing their actions as usual even once the two were seated by the table and ready to eat. 

"I have decided," Erwin suddenly broke the silence of the night. His words caught the young girl's attention. Her eyes looked up to meet his, patiently waiting for his next words. "I will allow you to join the military," he lowly let out. He watched as his cousin's plain eyes lighted up brightly. 

"Are you serious?!" She squeaked in happiness upon seeing his nod. "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" She giggled excitedly, getting off her chair to rush towards him, her arms tightly wrapped around his shoulders. "You won't regret it!" She gushed happily, not noticing the small smile the man wore on his complexion. 

"I know you'll make me proud one day, Erika," he hummed, raising his hands to wrap around the girl in a warm embrace. 

His words replayed in her mind, even as she placed a goodbye kiss on his cheek, her arms refusing to let him go on his mission. God knows when would be the next time they would see each other again. He's leaving for a new mission just as she was leaving for the training camp.  

Upon her arrival at the compound, she was told to present herself before being assigned her bunk. Once registrations ended, everyone was told to line up in their uniforms. It was mostly an introduction from the instructor. 

Afterward, Erika headed back to her bunk to change into something a little more comfortable for the night. As she was about to head to the dining hall, she overheard some people talking on the veranda of a dorm. 

"We're from Shiganshina," a boy said, his hair a light brown, paired with jewel green eyes. 

As she walked past them, her head glanced over her shoulders to look at the boy. He also had another boy beside him who Erika assumed was the 'we' in question. The other boy had bright blond hair that vaguely reminded her of her cousin. The boy, too, had piercing blue ocean eyes. 

One that had accidentally met Erika's. His orbs widened just as hers did but she immediately looked away and made her way to the dining hall as planned. Erika took a tray of food and sat at an empty table, not sure just yet if she should approach others. But she remained in solitude as she ate. 

She just watched the night unfold in front of her, listening in silence as the brown-haired boy from before told the others of his traumatic experience in Shiganshina when the wall was broken. When Erika wanted to leave, she pushed herself off the bench and brought her tray to the designated bin. 

She walked towards the door, opening it before she left the room, the night air was cold as it hit her skin. She took off her hair tie and let it rest on her wrist, the breeze causing her hair to softly dance in nature's rhythm. 

She felt a tingling sensation on her neck, taking her eyes off the road and onto the silver necklace that dangled out of her shirt. She quickly went to tuck it back into her shirt though not stopping her movements. Just when she had finally looked up, she collided with someone. She took a step back, pushing strands of hair behind. 

"I'm so sorry-"

"It's fine, it was my fault. I wasn't looking where I was going," she cut the boy off only to realize that it was one of the boys from Shiganshina. She caught the brown-haired boy's name from the way others were talking to him loudly earlier. But she didn't know his name. "I'm Erika Smith," she said, a soft smile gracing her lips. 

"I'm Armin."

[melspuppies8282]

Just needed to vent for a second about my situation:

Okay so about a month ago I made a post to multiple accounts (I don't think I made one here, mostly it was to inform people of late messages to the other accounts) about my living situation and complications due to it. I just wanted to say that as of now, my mom has saved my childhood home and I'm going to be staying there for the time being.

Over the last 2 months, the people I was going to move in with have been having complications with their own living situation. I'm going to be vague in this post bc it's just a vent, but I needed stuff off my chest.

So one of my friends (that I've been close friends with since middle school) is engaged to someone. This person I have become friends with, but I didn't like them at first due to their personality. I have grown to accept it and I've been good friends with them since. The fiancee's mom I am also friends with, and I have grown fond of. I was helping them bc their landlord is a real prick and has been making them paranoid for months, and gave an eviction notice for things that weren't called for. They recently had trouble with another roommate that screwed them over, so we all planned to move somewhere bc I was gonna lose my house anyway. I don't have a job rn, and I am $3,500 in debt as this post is being written. They said they would help me on my feet, helped me get a phone bc my line had been disconnected, and said I would pay rent once I got stuff figured out. I am forever grateful for their help.

I am an alcoholic and I have mental illness. Around the time of this discussion, I had a relapse and it severely messed up my relationship with my fiancee. I decided to go sober again, and as it stands, today I am 47 days sober. I am very proud of myself, but I have been struggling lately to stay that way. I am severely depressed, severely anxious, and my BPD has been so bad since the last day of my relapse. During the last day of the relapse I had gone to the friends birthday party where I blacked out, and it caused a major argument between me and my fiancee, and I am currently making amends with what happened and growing from it.

With all of this, I have been ill. I had a stomach pain around my diaphragm, and a numb tongue. I had gone to the doctor and got started on medication. I have my second doctor visit tomorrow, and although I don't have the pain, I have been struggling to eat, drink, or move around a lot. I only get out of my house to go to AA, and I have been getting an extreme pain in my spinal area. The stress of everyone around me made my symptoms worse at the time, so I barely spoke to people during this time if it wasn't urgent.

However, that had gone disrespected, as I was in a group chat consisting of me, 2 of my friends, the friends fiancee, and my fiancee. The group chat was meant for ranting, but turned into people coming to me to rant privately and instead in the group chat posting memes and spamming. I had asked multiple times for the group chat to stay for ranting, which was disrespected, and so I muted the chat. In the past, people would ask if it was okay to vent to me, which I would give a yes or no based on my mental state, which then turned into me being the only one asking and them ranting whenever. I have struggled talking to people due to fear of abandonment bc of this.

I decided not to move in with those people due to multiple reasons. The friends fiancee's attitude, and how it kept triggering me and my own mental health were beginning to affect my sobriety. In their house there was alcohol and weed, and I told them before it shouldn't bother me as long as it wasn't in reach, but then had been on my mind a lot while there. I don't have a car, and I like a specific AA meeting because it's smaller, and my social anxiety isn't as bad bc there is at least 3 faces I recognize every time I go. I felt like a burden on some occasions, asking if they could take me. It had gotten to a point where the last time I saw them, I planned on taking the bus bc of the fiancee's attitude, and I didn't want to cause an issue, and they took me and I cried during the meeting.

I do not currently go to therapy bc of my financial situation, so I have been relying on AA a lot to help me through my situations, as I am struggling to stay clean during all of this. It brought to light my own boundaries and decisions in the process, which I had expressed to the friend during our outing the day of that AA meeting i had previously mentioned. I had expressed how I really felt, and how I felt going forward, and how if something didn't change I wasn't sure of the future. She came to me and expressed emotions on how she truly felt as well, and I was able to explain that during the panic of their situation, I felt like a mediator and I didn't want that. I told them how it made me really anxious and I was worried for them, and how they were going to handle stuff. I told her at the end of the day I'm listening to her decisions and opinions the most bc she is my friend. Without her, the other people in the house mean little to me. She told me she understood. Before this, I had explained on why I wasn't coming over as much, due to the stress of everything and my health. I had said it rudely, and I apologized for that on multiple occasions, bc there is no excuse for my behavior.

A while ago, 2 texts where sent. One from the friend, and one from the fiancee's mom. The friend expressed not knowing what was going on before saying that we (me and the possible other person moving in) where at fault for things regarding the move, and to talk to them. I had called and expressed my emotions regarding the move, once again, and said I was no longer moving in due to the lack of information from the people in the house. I had wanted to do a call on that Sunday (this call previously mentioned was 2 days later) but didn't receive any information on if it was alright to do so. The text from the fiancee's mom didn't make sense, saying about "broken trust" when I had been honest from the beginning.

I am no longer moving, but I am still in financial trouble, and the urge to relapse is so strong I can barely do anything else. My fiancee is the only one talking to me, and I am so frustrated about how everything has come around, I can barely do anything else. My non-alive ideation is through the roof, and I don't think it would matter to anyone, anyway.

Everyone I've talked to about the situation (mostly the people from AA) have said I'm making the right decision setting this boundary for my sobriety, and to just believe it will work out. I feel awful in my decision, and as if I'm doing something wrong, and that I've lost everyone in caring for myself right now. I really want to get better and for people to want me for me, not what I do for them. It's so hard making friends anymore, that I just want to never make any ever again.

I am working on finding a job, and with that I will move out once I get this debt paid off. But it feels so far away, I feel like it'll never happen. And I feel like this could have been avoided if people just took the initiative and just focused on who already gave an answer, not the potentials.

I was supposed to talk the them Friday, but I no longer wish to do so. If I am "breaking trust" by setting a boundary, there is no point in me explaining my decision, because they already made theirs.

I am getting back into my own religion, and have been speaking with mother nature lately and trying to find some answers. I have been talking to my deceased father as well, praying he'll help me keep the friends that are true and reveal people's intentions. I have been speaking with my fiancee a lot to help me through this, and explaining my thoughts towards things and being more open about my dark thoughts and what I am truly feeling. I know I'll make it through this. I just don't know how.

My ED is flaring like crazy, and since I don't have any money it's only encouraging it more. My life feels like I've hit rock bottom. I'm laying on it, just wanting to stand back up and crawl out of it. I know I can. I just have to do it somehow.

I am trying to stay positive about all of this, but it's so hard. I just want to lie down and rot. I have a wonderful fiancee who makes sure to take care of me when he can. Without him I don't think I'd survive this.

I just needed stuff off my chest, and I didn't feel right leaving it on my sad blog, because I just want it out there. I want to be seen and heard, and know that it'll work out. I'm hoping my prayers and willingness for it to work out will let it. I just need a little hope that I can make it through this. Even if it's just a funny picture on tumblr, I just need something to survive another day. I just need another 24 hours. I say that every day anymore.

I just need to be cared for like I care for everyone else.

[fallinginthe-void]

Underneath the read more tab is a rant and vent. Just a warning in case your curiosity gets the better of yall

I got talked to at work yesterday because I've been having issues. A coworker snitched and said that I "yelled at him" for coming to the back of the store (the cashier can't leave the front unattended as it's a loss prevention issue). Note, I didn't yell at all. Yes, I was being a little bossy but he's been here for over a year, he knows he can't leave the front alone! It doesn't help that when I told him, he tried to joke around and say no. That led to more issues.

According to my manager, my tone with how I handle customers and my coworkers have been more on the negative side and if it continues, it can lead to being written up for harassment. She said she understands that with being a keyholder, we have more responsibilities but I'm not the one who can tell others what to do. Fair, but what tf else am I supposed to do when I'm the one in charge of the store at that moment and things need to get done? If I tell someone to bring up the trash to the front, are they gonna snitch on me too?? Like, fuck! Now I'm getting my keyholder shifts suspended in an attempt to "lessen my stress". I was lucky to be getting 1 keyholder shift every 2 weeks (there's 2 keyholders total. Other keyholder gets most of those shifts because I'm trained in one more section of the store than he is so im utilized there more) but now I'm getting nothing?! What the fuck? I hold nothing against that keyholder, he's actually my best friend at work.

Unfortunately, I'm also in trouble for socializing too much with him at work because it leads to work not being done. If it keeps happening, we won't be scheduled together. That's fair, and I will do better on that. The part that bugs me, is when I told him about it, he said that he was never talked to about it and said he should also be held accountable for stuff like that. I'm pissed at the double standard on that

Part of the reason why my tone goes more to the negative side is because I have to deal with stupid people everyday! I wish that was an exaggeration! I once had 3 people get pissed off at me for asking them not to consume their snack/drinking before paying for it and that happened in a 24 hour period! Recently, I had a woman lose it at me because I told her she needed to pay for the card before writing in it! And that's the second time that's ever happened! Also, I don't care about the small pleasantries. You're a stranger, I don't care how you're doing. Do what you need to and leave. Stop talking and grab your shit faster, you're holding up the line and I'm the only cashier avaliable right now

My manager and assistant manager both said they've noticed my stress and asked if everything's okay in my life. I had to lie and say yes. They said I could talk to them both about anything. They are genuinely good people and I know they're doing their jobs too but I can't talk to them. I still have to respect the manager-staff relationship. Plus, how can I say that "no I'm not fine. My depression and anxiety are riding me into the ground, I'm terrified that I'm going to get kicked out of my apartment again (another story) even if I do nothing wrong, and with that terror, I've hardly unpacked anything because I want to be prepared if I do get evicted. My 6 year relationship with my long distance boyfriend is causing me extreme self doubt again because he has a hard time expressing affection and I need the affection, so the fact that it was getting really close to Valentines Day knowing that he only likes that day because it's when his pet bird hatched, I've been having multiple bouts of silent break downs where I can only stare at the ceiling and silently mourn the fact that I'll never be loved in the way I want to. I can't even tell him because we've had multiple conversations about it but very little has changed, plus I fear I'm going to sound ungrateful. So to fill that void, I've been reading character x reader fanfics to feel something, even if it's a synthetic sort of love. I'm sure as hell not getting it here in the real world!". I'm sure nothing will go wrong with telling my managers all that

I'm just so tired and there's nothing I can do. Therapy is too expensive and with how I've been feeling, if I even utter a single thought about ending myself (the feeling has been there for years but I've never acted on it), I'm sure to be sent to a psych ward. I can't afford to miss work either, I have bills to pay. Hell, I can barely cry about it properly because I've repressed that instinct for years and I hate the stuffed up nose I get with it

Just...I don't know anymore...I'm so tired