#idk i see my therapist again in a few days so its all good!!!

[barkingangelbaby]

venting so much i ran out of tags lmao

[winterspiderpurrs]

So, this has been in my head for a while, and when you asked for prompts I got so excited, because I love your writing so much!

What if Tony had the reputation of always having younger partners, never underage, but some people still judged since they where around the age of his son Harley, so when Harley slept with his father's partner people bat an eye. Now what if Harley had a boyfriend no one knew about, Peter, whom he obviously cheated on. Peter didn't know who Harley's father was (somehow idk) and Tony and Peter end up meeting somewhere, and although they are not looking for a relationship they do sleep with eachother as well as talk about their situations, never naming anyone. Somehow Harley finds out, could be Tony presenting Peter as his partner after a few months OR Harley gets married with Tony's ex partner, and Tony doesn't want to go alone, so he invites Peter.

Sorry for the delay! I typed it up and just now realized I never posted! Hope you like it! @no-name-for-me

****************************************************

Who knew this was where he would be this time of year. Things were finally going right for Peter. After two horrible depressing years, Peter had finally broken up with his boyfriend Harley. There were too many fights, cheating, telling Peter that he wasn't good enough, not good enough in bed, good enough in his career, not good enough to bring home to meet his family.

Sure, Peter knew he was worth more than what Harley had said, but it was so hard to get over the hurtful words and actions of his partner. Never had dated really before he found Harley. It was great in the beginning as it always went, but after a few months, Peter was willing to overlook all the problems so he wouldn't be lonely.

But after catching Harley again, on his birthday no less, cheating on him in HIS bed? In HIS apartment. Well. Enough was enough finally.

Peter kicked Harley out, then once hisblease was up, gotten a new place, changed his phone number, and started seeing a therapist. Which is funnily enough where he meets his current boyfriend. Tony Stark.

Tony Stark has a reputation, a revolving door of women in his life. At one point, when he was younger, he was more of a partier. The drugs didn't help his reputation. That wasn't him anymore. The truth is harder to be seen. Sure, Tony went out on lots of dates, but most of those have been set up by friend of a friend.

Some are just more about networking. But every time he thought about getting serious with someone? To be exclusive- he finds his partner either trying to swindle money or secrets. But recently, it's his own son Harley who has become the problem. His past 5 prospects have all been caught with his son in various states of dress in his penthouse. And the last one? Well, Harley now claims to be in love with, and they were going to get married.

That was the turning point for Tony. He decided to get sober, and start therapy again. It was fate that one day he was running late and ran into someone as he was exiting the elevator. Big brown doe eyes catching his eyes.

Then it became a thing he noticed, and while they didn't attend the same doctor, they were in the same shared practice. They started running into each other more. Eventually, the conversation started, and they just clicked.

Short run in in the waiting room turned into lets get coffee before, to lets do lunch, to hey lets do dinner. Which lead into.

" My kid is getting married. Its a complicated situation, but I would love it if you went with me"

" Of course Tony! I remember you telling its the ex too.. I'll be with you the whole time. "

Then the wedding day. Peter waited outside of the church for Tony to text him when he could come in. Tony was currently helping the grooms side get ready before guests arrive.

" This is pathetic even for you. What are you doing here?"

Peter freezes when he hears that voice in that town. He puts his phone in his pocket, frowning before turning to look at Harley.

" I'm hear at the request of my partner. What are you doing here?"

Peter can feel his phone vibrate in his pocket but he ignores it. Harley was dressed up in a suit. Was he a groomsman in this wedding? Its possible.

" I'm getting married. She is a model. "

Peter blinks and stares.

" No.... wait your Tony's son? The son who slept with his father's girlfriend? Oh my god..."

Harley frown, that wasn't public knowledge, and even then how did Peter know who his Father was? He made sure they never met.

" How do you know that? Why are you here?"

Peter rolls his eyes and puts his hand on his hip.

" I already told you. I'm here with my partner, I'm his plus one. Has all that ego blocked your hearing?"

Harley narrows his eyes. Peter has never talked back to him like this except the first few months they were together.

" What's going on here?"

Harley looks over at his father as he walks down the steps meet them.

" This father is my sorry excuse of an ex. Claiming he was invited to my wedding. Honestly just a pathetic reason to try to get me back."

" I wouldn't want you back even if you were the last human on earth"

Tony looks between the two blinking.

" Wait hold the phone. This is the asshole ex who verbally abused you and cheated on you almost the whole time you were together?"

Harley looks between Tony and Peter with a bewildered look on his face.

" Yes he was. And as I told him. I am here with my partner. So Harley. If you will excuse us, WE are going to take our seats"

" ..what"

Peter walks over to Tony and wrapped his arm around Tony's arm. He leans over and kisses Tony's cheek. " Let's go inside and find our seats"

There Tony and Peter enter the church, leaving a stunned Harley outside. The wedding continues on, and with minimal scandal. If you don't count Tony and Peter getting caught making out and maybe a little bit more.

The news report skim over the wedding of Harley Stark and focuse more on the fact that THE Tony Stark is off the market, with a much younger MAN. And said man sporting a brand new ring that definitely was not on his finger at the start of the reception.

[matan4il]

Good morning, sweet Alice. I haven't read anything yet, so I'm coming in blind. I'm also glad I did send my thoughts in before so this doesn't sound disingenuous. I totally expected this but I'm gonna be honest it hurt my heart a little and here are the scattered reasons I noted.

What was the point of the donor story? Because if this was gonna go this way, all they did was separate Buddie all 6A for no reason. And again, I honestly don't get why it was there. Being the eternal cheerleader, I kept making excuses for the 6A storytelling, but apparently, it was just messy and bad.

They stole our couch metaphor. I'm sorry, but they did!!! All of the symbolism was just wasted. That was a low blow. Along with honestly all of the symbolism since the will reveal. Such wasted opportunities.

I actually don't understand the choice of Marisol and Natalia. They honestly just were extensions of Taylor and Anna again in different packages. Even the undertones of the stories looked like the same format as the latter's.

They robbed Ryan of an amazing opportunity for a coming out story. I honestly don't get what it was building, too, if it was this it. Marisol is adorable, but I don't see any difference from Anna, the actress, or the cute blind date. It just feels weird.

That's the short version. Trust me, you will be my therapist the next few months. I don't think season six will be something I rewatch again for a while. I'm so grateful ABC is taking over and that wasn't just it, because I will say again, just seemed vapid

I do feel optimistic that ABC took it for a reason, and a small part of that is the investment in Buddie. Don't get me wrong, it's all an investment, but the rest are pretty settled storylines. So fingers crossed!!

Also, just to make you laugh. ABC if you are reading... I wouldn't be mad if you opened with Kameron and Buck platonically raising BK Jr. (Buck Jr) together. Just some chaotic besties who Mother Maryed a baby. And Eddie spends all his time with his best friend and said baby because also, why not raise another kid together. Then they fall in love, and Kameron wants to get her groove back, and Buddie are overly gay protective big brothers about it all. Till one day, it's Ravi at the door. Then Kamerone and Ravi with Buddie raise kids and build an apartment empire together!!!!

Hello, my lovely darling! *hugs* Thank you for sending your thoughts! If you've read my 618 meta by now, you probably know that I feel very similarly to you...

I've mentioned that I see three possible scenarios for how s6 was shaped, and IDK which one we witnessed. Did the donor story play out as it was meant to, or was its ending changed in a rush? IDK, but the way it ended up playing out, the only thing it tied with is Natalia's name, which tells us they planned for her to be at the birth as soon as she was introduced. And I would be devastated if we found out that this was the planning all along, since 6a. If it was meant to be progress for Buck, it wasn't quite like how they wanted to present it, 'coz once more he was going above and beyond for others, regardless of the personal toll for himself, and then at the end it tied in with a romantic r/s that seems to be the same type of mistake, of jumping in with his whole heart into a commitment before he's sure, based on time and getting to know each other, not fantasy, that this girl really is who he wants to buy furniture together with...

Yep, I said the same in my meta about Natalia and Marisol. 911 literally hit the same beats with them, with even less investment in these LI's. And while Marisol was cute in her phone call, she and Eddie had even less of a build up than either Felisa (the actress) or Vanessa (the blind date).

It would be my honor to be here as your therapist until we get s7. ;) *hugs even more* Trust me, I think we all need that. But yes, endlessly happy that ABC took the show and I wanna believe they understand exactly how much letting Buddie go canon would benefit them and their new investment.

LMAO That was one wild ride, you should def write that as a fic! Sending you all the love. And as always, my ask tag. xoxox

[ariathelamia]

Speed running learning about myself?

So i ended up starting questioning if i might be plural... which... i won't go into it in THIS post particular because that would be a lot to talk about in just one post.... so i start with the other two things i figured out about myself and was already kind of able to confirm? not through a psychologist but through doing those online tests for one.. and then having a talk with friends and suddenly hit with "Wait we thought you knew!?"

So because of me asking in a very long message on another page (idk if i am allowed to mention where but its round.. and reddish.. and white as a logo...) I was told by some that, it didnt sound much like plurality.. more like adhd... another said yeah it does sound like their pre-plurality phase... but also adhd... so i ended up taking an adhd test.... turns out the results came back as "Highly consistent with ADHD"... while i do know that these self tests are not really made to self diagnose but rather give you an idea you might have it and talk to your therapist, which i am definitely going to do... (this will be an interesting next session)... But some of the things really resonated strongly.. like when i sit still for some time, and have nothing to do stimulate me enough... i end up bopping my legs quickly up and down, or open and close my legs/bop my head to a song that pops up in my head... or i end up walking around the house a lot which... all of these things were very often pointed out by my mom that she HATES when i do that, and keeps telling me to stop, only for me to do it again shortly after... And the other thing i super strongly resonated with in those tests, was the statement "I often miss what is being said to me in conversations" which... lord this happened to me like 3 times already just when typing out the message while also talking to people in a discord call if i am not absolutely focused on the conversation, and to literally any small task, like writing something down, or just scrolling through pictures... I totally tune out conversations... The amount of times i played video games with friends while talking, and i just suddenly hear the sentence "Good she didn't hear" or "oh i think she is not there... Nah she is moving?" is LUDICROUS. So yeah... i could see myself definitely being diagnosed with it from my therapist... So i brought that result to some close friends of mine in a call and told them about it... and got hit with the sentence "Well, at least now you know you got the full package of ADHD and Autism!" My reply was "... i don't have autism?" Which was immediately hit my multiple people going: " Aria?... Aria...." and "I thought you knew!?" (disclaimer: My thought about what autism was is probably really skewed by the show "the good doctor"... which is probably a very extreme version of autism.. or something else mixed in?) Which, i asked them to elaborate.. they took a few moments to collect their thoughts and started listing some things which i could right away relate to several occasions or mannerisms of mine, which i never really thought about... here is a list of things that were brought up.. Sensitivity to sounds: During new years, when out with the family and throwing firecrackers, I am not able to function properly, when i know one of those dynamite shaped ones... or square ones, is about to go off, like i cant look away from where they are thrown, and if i notice one about to go off, i have to hold my ears shut or put in headphones.. Fast opening zippers: No, just no, i have to open my jacket or backpack slowly, cause that sound just makes me shiver. I had to stop playing the game 7 days to die, which otherwise was super enjoyable to me, simply because i just couldn't take the inventory opening sound anymore. Silverware: When emptying the dishwasher... i have to take out the silverware and sort it in slowly one my one, because the clinkering sound makes me start breathing very heavily through my mouth to the point where i am uncontrollably blowing air... and when my mom was in a bit of a hurry and started "helping me" by picking them up fast and putting them in the drawer... i physically cringed away from it with my entire body. Texture Sensitivty

Silk: Don't try getting me into anything silky... i hate it i hate it i hate it. It's itchy, it's scratchy, and i hate how it feels running my fingernails across it... Silk bedsheets are a torture device.. Those holographic cards that change when you turn them? running my fingers across them is disgusting... and hearing someone rubbing their finger nails across them is giving me a physical reaction.. as if they are making ME do that... it's also the sound that just sounds like high pitched sipper sounds!? just like times 10... I also struggle a bit with social queues... like some situations in Roleplays confuse the hell out of me, and that shows in my characters reaction at times where i got the "what the f*ck you on about?" response... Also when i do talk with people in real life, i end up just staring off into the room, and not to the person.... i do look at them from time to time to make sure they know its them i am talking to.. but that never lasts for long before i stare off in the room again because i get very uncomfortable when looking at people and talk/open up to them... i fidget with my fingers, rub my thighs... laugh nervously even if it's a serious topic or i am close to crying... just to lift a bit of that awkward feeling... Or when people open up to me! I do love to lend a ear because i know how much it helps to just have someone listen to you! but when it comes to helping them i usually am hit with the realization that... i just don't know how to deal with that situation... idk what i could say or do a lot of the times.. So yeah... that was my day today... lots of realizations and topics to talk to my therapist about... but I'm happy to finally put a name to my weird actions! Cause before i always thought i was just... different but never knew what made me different. Thank you for your time! (idk how to end this post so... sorry it ends so abruptly...)

[blackfairy312]

What would their Mincraft houses look like? And what is their biggest fear? (Fnac3)

🔥answering more of theeeese heheeh

i actually had a minecraft house for Komi once but it's lost o an old computer that doesnt work anymore 😭 it was shaped after a Black Box from Evillious (her "heart") and had a few bedrooms upstairs for herself and her kids and a HUUUGE kitchen and a fancy bathroom and a greenhours and a nise backyard an then like, a secret evil basement . i wish i had pictures of it.

dawg if these assholes played Minecraft together it would probablt be a server Komi made and she only gave Antonio moderator permissions bc she doesnt trust the other two with that . Antonio woukd make a statue of Vinnie and set it on fire to piss Vincent off. Komi spends most of the time building and decorating things and organizing bc she likes being productive (or else she'll start doing crazy shit). like these assholes she works with would probably be too busy fucking around in the game to focus on what theyre doing so Komi would make one house for them all to live in and make rooms for them all . every time the guys come back to base they'll see Komi in the middle of putting a redstone contraption together and they'll drop styff off in chests and explore the base little bc there's new stuff Komi added and then they'll leave to fuck around again . AND SOMEHOW Komi will have full neatherite armor and shit . everyone like "DUDE how did you find the time for this?" meanwhile all Vincent Richard and Antonio have been doing have probably been like . Naming chickens "Bitch" and hangint them from trees to throw eggs at them and harassing villagers or hanging around the pillager mansion like idiots . every time they die they have to ask Antonio or Komi to /tp them to someone else so they can get their shit.

and biggest Fears ... i already said in another postbut Komi is afraid of getting attached to humans but like she always does that anyway. smeting about her immortality VS their mortality and how they're destined to die and she's destined to leave .i guess she copes with this by CLINGING onto the memories she makes with the humans she meets in the Multiverse . and taking some suveniors from each world. Actually she has the original Vinnie puppet ! she kept that .

Vincent's biggest fear is people finding out who he really is .. a Manipulator Mainsplainer Mansluaghter er . he doesnt want to lose everything he doesnt want to be a 'normal person' he WANTS TO BE SOMEBODY. his biggest fear is LOSING. thats probably why he cheats at hide & seek as Monster Vinnie in the final night.

Antonio's biggest fear is ending up like his dad . as he's been raising himself and his siblings and observing his parents he's made a mental note of his dad's behaviors and how he NEVER WANTS TO END UP LIKE HIM . you can think ofhis dad like Clay Puppington maybe ? idk i just saw a moral orel clip this morning and now im thinkin about that show again . NO SORRY I FORGOT ANTONIO IS A LOT LIKE KENNY MCCORMICK , his parents just arent crackheads they're alcholics . but Yeah Antonio is TRYING to get himself together but tbh Vincent being an awful boss is ADDING to Antonio's stress and its not good for his mental health at ALL. he was probably seeing a therapist and was going to AA meetings but then ONE DAY he got into a fight with Vincent backstage and he went home and spiraled again. undoing his progress. Ywah im projecting heavy.

Richard's biggest fear is probably something tamer than everyone elses . for now anyway he isnt really complex in my mind like the other Three are rn 😭😭😭😭 SERIOUSLY THE GAME GIVES ME NOTHING TO WORK WITH WHICH IS FINE B FNAC 3 HAS AMAZING STORY TELLING BUT IN THE CONTEXT OF ME TRYING TO EXPAND ON WHAT'S THERE I DONT HAVE MUCH FOR THE CAT ACTOR .

[dandyshucks]

hiii dandy !! i wanted to ask, what do you think you and guzma would do post-canon after the events of sun & moon ? (i might have asked this before - if i have, i apologize..) (i also wanted to say that its been really cool seeing ur progress on ur plush!! it seems so hard, so you having that skill is rly admirable and i wish u lots of luck w finishing it!!) (@dmclr)

CLARA HI i hope u (and dimitri hehe) are doing well :] !!! wah thank u for the question, u havent asked it before dw !!! 

OKAY SO admittedly I mostly only know the story through reading Guz’s wiki page a few times (teehee) and through osmosis from the general fandom dsgjkl, i want to play the game one day and maybe read the manga, and I’ve watched the anime eps he’s featured in and that’s all i’m watching of that LOL. I haven’t actually experienced much of his story (or su/mo in general) first-hand myself though fdsjkl

answer below the cut because.... the rambler's curse got me LOL

after the events of su/mo, I don’t think he’d actually disband Team Skull because… what is the point of that honestly LOL, so Team Skull stays together in MY version of the world hehe. they’re required to do community service to make up for whatever shenanigans they get up to, but they stop stealing pokemon and move onto just like… graffiti and casual pranks and stuff. they still cause trouble, but it’s mostly mischief now rather than any actual crime. I set them up to work on murals for shop owners around the islands so they can spraypaint and be artistic that way rather than randomly tagging walls and getting into trouble for it fjdskl. they keep their disdain for authority figures and rules because at the end of the day most of them are rowdy teens who feel outcasted from society, and that’s just the way the ball rolls with them (also a certain level of that is healthy and warranted tbh). I work with Plumeria to organize events and outings (outside of community service) for the squad though, which helps give everyone healthier outlets for their energy and focus.

Hala mentors Guz to help put him onto (and keep him on) the right track, and Guz learns to appreciate the islands and their traditions a bit - even if he still doesn’t agree with all of them. Part of that mentorship is also sort of therapy (in a more holistic naturally-occurring way rather than like... clinical therapist sitting with patient), so trauma gets unpacked and healthier ways of handling emotions are learned and implemented. Also fuck the Aether Foundation HFDSJKL I keep Guz far away from Lusamine and make sure she never gets close to him again (idk what Gladion and Lillie get up to, I haven’t thought enough about them yet fsjkl). There’s a lot of healing and self-improvement and learning how to Be A PersonTM for both of us tbh!

Beyond that, it is mostly just regular Alola/island living!! Beach visits, walking around, getting ice cream and popsicles, casual battles with tourists, catching wimpods, all that sort of thing :] Also we visit Sinnoh (my home region) for half the year (i have… a whole schedule worked out for that actually LOL) so there’s that, too.

as for the plushie omg thank u sm WAUGH :D i cannot tell if it’s just because i have a weird hodge-podge skillset but i DO think it is not actually all that difficult !!! you just need a pattern for cutting the felt and then I learned the ladder stitch for hand-sewing, and it’s been very straightforward on how to sew the pieces together!! the hardest part so far has just been the hair because I have a difficult time translating 2D images to 3D reality in that way.

I just really want to encourage ppl to try their hand at new crafts and creative skills because I think it’s really fun and honestly really good for ppls well-being!! i am very passionate about making creativity accessible to people as much as possible!!! maybe i could make a tutorial or smth… the pattern I'm using is free and available on the creator’s website, and it’s genuinely not that difficult esp compared to some other things i’ve tried my hand at in the past LOL I feel like some of my paper mache projects have been more complex than this lil goober!!

THANK YOU AGAIN, AND SORRY ABOUT BECOMING THE RAMBLING RAMBLER LMAO i actually entirely rewrote this once because I wanted to shorten it and it STILL ended up this long 😭

[sucktacular]

cw weight loss mention.

today.... is a good readmore!! good news!! a lil bit of a vent here and there cuz my brain is a mine field, but over all im feeling kind of good?

not to like.... pat my own lil head about it or anything but i went outside today. AND i went on a WALK on my OWN around the neighbourhood.... I've never walked around here on my own, and i think the last time I went out for a walk on my own was a year and a half ago when i had to come out here to check out the room for rent (current room). so its really been a hot fuckin minute. i was honestly feeling super anxious. but i put in my head phones and listened to my music and text-talked to some friends and it made it a lil easier. ; w;

I've been working out a lot too for the past few days!!!! My lil weights and lots of other exercises.... I feel really good about it so far honestly and I really hope maybe I can keep this up. especially through winter.

honestly im terrified of winter coming. i really dont want to feel stuck inside again and things get worse? I want so badly to go outside on my own. Be able to do shopping when I need. Go get little treats! Take care of myself and my needs. I'd really really like to work on getting a job or some sort of money source.because disability denied me over and over despite having even a therapist letter confirming like. heyyy theyre fucked up!!!, but like.... i want so badly to have money again. and i want to save and i want to put it away and also... being on social assistance im not allowed to leave canada for more than 7 days in a row and that is straining the FUCK out of my relationship and like my life moving forward at all in general. we cant go on a trip to the Adirondacks for the seasonal change and im super fucking bummed out about it honestly. and its literally just cuz of social assistance keeping me at home. its literally so fucked.

but anyway. im trying my fucking damnedest and im trying soooooo hard to keep upright and now sink and slip back down. Ive got some friends in my corner. and thats great. but its all on me at the end of the day. and if im being frank i fucking HATE HOW IM LIVING!!!!!!!! I DONT WANT!!!! TO BE DEPENDANT!!!! ON PEOPLE!!!!! i dont want to be stuck at home, the summer is fucking gone and i barely did anything.... i want to go out! i want to go to concerts! i want to go to festivals!! i want to go to meet ups and visit friends and i want to do so many fucking things!!! i want to explore, i want to see the world, i want to eat food and meet ppl and experience. i want so much out of my life. but im absolutely holding myself back. and i know its not entirely on me to just push myself out of that because i also dont want to burn out. and i know mental illness and i know i know i know.

but

im so tired of this. im literally clawing in my cage here and i dont feel like anyone really GETS that? idk idk maybe ppl do im just out of my mind and this ISNT ME. this isnt who i want to be, and i know i dont really get much of an option in that? cuz my brain is going to fucking keep doing what it is doing. but i AM getting therapy. I AM talking about the hard hard fucking shit. the shit that makes me want to kms the shit that makes me want to peel my skin off or just disappear entirely. im trying. and i dont want to crash and i dont want to burn and go back to this again. but like... idk man if i dont fucking push myself up im NOT gonna get back up. im complacent in the comfort of hiding away from life. when i want nothing more than to love everyone and kiss my friends faces and hold their hands and go to places and see things and eat things and do stuff blah blah blah

im strong.. im smart.. im creative... I CAN dance the dance. but im terrorized by the thought of existing enough to not be wanted around by even just one person LMAO;;;;;;

anyway this is getting a bit venty but

I WENT OUT!!! I WALKED FOR LIKE 30MIN. I GOT SWEATY. I CAME HOME. I WORKED A LITTLE. I DID MY DISHES YESTERDAY. I WORKED UP A HUGE SWEAT LAST NIGHT. I MAKE MY BED EVERY DAY. THE WEATHER IS CHILLING. I LOST 20LBS SINCE APRIL!!!! I HAVE A BETTER SLEEP SCHEDULE AND IM TRYING MY DAMNEST TO KEEP BRING IT BACK A BIT MORE (4/6am - 3/4pm right now. I'd love to wake up by 10am at minimum honestly). IM MOTIVATED IM TRYING SO FUCKING HARD.

i need to remember im independent. and i fucking adore my independence. and i need to stop being so complacent to allow ppl to care for me. like obv my heart is open to it and i let people in and i dont shy away. to be a human is to care and receive care. but my independence is a deeply deeply personal thing for me and without it im... just not myself. im just not me. im just not at my full potential. and i reallllly need to work it out.

[leclerced]

omg girl idk if this is tmi like pls let us know what ur boundaries are/what we should send but if ur not down for this, pls ignore

anyways i was just at this boys house and we were ab to have sex but the second he got his dick out idk why i started panicking. it’s not even my first time either (im still relatively knew to it all, i only lost it a few months ago but still)

LMFAOOOO i bolted out of there so fast. i made some excuse ab walking my roommates dog but I don’t have a roommate or a dog and he knows that? anyways that was so stressful, i fr cannot understand why that happened like just this morning I was more unhinged than lando but all of a sudden i got so anxious

ANYWAYS, Logan looks so good here look!! (ignore the stats <3)

https://www.instagram.com/p/C0tpAYfL0lj/?igshid=N2ViNmM2MDRjNw==

it’s okay! not tmi at all! i don’t have boundaries, i am actually unhinged. my texts with my friends will never see the light of day because im batshit crazy so u can tell me anything free of judgement 🫶🏻

its good you stopped when you were uncomfortable. i would just talk to him and be like sorry i ran out on you just suddenly wasnt in the mood anymore? if he’s a good guy and you wanna see him again, he should do everything he can to make sure you’re comfortable and if you get anxious again in the moment talk about with them to see if you can figure out what makes you anxious! if you go to therapy i’d tell therapist ab it bc they know your history and can provide more personal advice 🫶🏻

logan does look very good hes a good boy

link

[barbieslayer08]

Thought I had a handle on life. But like always when things start going to well, the rug got pulled out from under me. It's my own fault. I know it is. I've always managed to fuck up every thing in my life with out fail. Idk why i do it to myself. Probably something a therapist could figure out. But I'm broke as a joke. And now I don't even have a car. No we don't have public transportation either. Taxis are outrageous. $65 to go 3 miles. So now I have 16 hours to find a new car for less then $1000. Or miss the next 2 days of work and have about $1400. But I might lose my job, but I have a chance at a better paying job, but I really, really like my job where I'm at. But I don't really have Lot of time to spend with my son. I don't have enough time to most days. Only 30 mins 4 days a week and all day Friday and Saturday and all morning Sunday and then he either sees him dad or is at the baby sitter. But I get off work at off hours and he gets off work the same time so he picks him up from the sitter and sleeps at night at his house. And I get up and was working myday job doordashing when I can, or running errands. He goes to school in the afternoon. He's only 3. But he goes for 3 hours. I would always pick him up from school. I work at 4. That's all I get. I miss him most days. I just bought a bigger bed so we can both fit and snuggle if he has a bad dream. Kinda hard to snuggle on a twin. But hey! We have our own place! It's a 2 bedroom in section 8. But the neighbors are quiet. And I can walk through every inch of this place and honestly say all of its mine. Not a single stick of furniture belongs to anyone but me. Even the very small amount of decorations. But I hand picked every single one I do have. Even made a few! Sorry this really started with me feeling really lonely. Now I know that it doesn't matter. Either I get a car tomorrow and I keep my job, or I lose it and get better options but it'll mean alot more work. I'd say I'll have the self discipline to keep the new job. Sorry again. Think kinda turned into a life dump. I cried 3 times while typing this. Sorry if anything is miss spelled. If I go back and to read this I'll just end up erasing it instead. But I kinda want thins to just exist somewhere other then just on my heart. And if I trie to talk to my friends about this then just kinda brush it off like ya that sucks, here's a story about something way worse that happened in my life that's gonna make u feel really stupid for being upset about this shit. And I know they don't mean to make me feel that way but it's still happens. And I don't trust therapists. I don't trust anyone who could forcibly make me have a grippy sock vacation but I don't want one. I can't. If I stop for any reason right now it would set me so far back idk if I could make it back. I forced my way up the mountain to where I am now, and I can't alow myself to slide back. Not again. I have to control my adhd. I have to. I can't keep allowing myself to fuck up good thing, and valling victim to bad choices. I need a damn saying. Something that reminds me to keep my shit together. I'd get it tattooed on my arm first chance I could afford it.

I feel better now. I know this will never be read by anyone. I know that. But that's ok. I just wanted to feel like I finally told someone. And for just once that didn't stop half way through to tell me a much sadder story and that they know how I feel. No they don't. They never do. But hey thanks for listening. Thank you for just listening. I feel pretty numb now so I'm going to bed now. Maybe the world will be better tomorrow. Maybe it won't. Can't wait to find out if it's going to be a step up or 6 steps back with a muddy uphill climb in the rain.

#adventuresofdepression #lifedump

#ifeelbetternow #feelfreetodothesame

[sleepyheadscompany]

THIS IS A RANT, LEAVE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO READ IT!!!

TW for everything DID?? Idk:

Been a bit lost and disoriented for a few days and thought I’d let the void hear all about it.

I’m so fucking done with this system bullshit. Whoever gave this to me can take it the fuck back, I don’t want it and never HAVE wanted it. Can’t imagine why people would want to have this disorder. It sucks. It sucks when I can’t have my partner because of it. it sucks when I keep myself awake for days at a time over sleep anxiety that someone gonna hurt me again. It sucks when I’m in bed crying about not being able to remember shit. It sucks when I’m in bed dealing with flashbacks and nightmares. It also sucks when I’m in bed crying about both of those things and also crying and screaming and kicking at the fact that this is my reality, and I can’t escape it.

I can never get out of my own head. That shit stings. I can’t ever leave, as much as I’ve tried, hence why I have this disorder in the first place. Because I couldn’t handle the shit going on in my head. So, I screwed myself over for life by trying to run away so hard my brain took it too literally and put someone else there so I could run away for a little while, not knowing that that same person would also fuck me over themself later on in life.

I don’t blame them, at least not anymore, for fucking with me like she did. Alters have so much control over each other. They don’t even realize they have that much power most of the time (from my experience, at least). You can fuck with someone’s whole reality and interpretation of the world in a system. Sharing a brain with someone who has a narrative that they won’t give up on to the point that they literally get into your head and fuck up years of your life sucks. If you didn’t catch that already.

I’ll never be the fucking same. I can’t trust anyone. Even the people in my own goddamn head who are meant to protect me. Them’s the breaks I guess..

This disorder has RUINED my life and people WANT to have it????

What kind of masochistic shit is this??

I’d like to personally ask every person that fakes this disorder for fun or who romanticizes it why the fuck they hate themselves so much. Like, I HATE myself, with a very capital H, but even I don’t hate myself enough to want to subject myself to the torment that is this disorder. People are fucking insane, man.

AND THEN there’s the people who want to deny that it even exists???

Like, excuse me but WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK????

YOU AND YOUR BELIFES DETERMINE THE COURSE OF MY LIFE AND THE LIVES OF SO MANY OTHER TRAUMATIZED PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN SO ROYALY FUCKED BY THE WORLD THAT THEIR TRAUMA HAS UPROOTED THEIR LIVES AND YOU WANT TO. WHAT? SAY THAT OUR MASS AMOUNTS OF TRAUMA DIDN’T DO WHAT WE THINK IT DID WHEN WE LIVE WITH THE REALITY OF THE SITUATION EVERY FUCKING DAY?? HOW FUCKING SICK TO YOU HAVE TO BE???

Is all of my suffering and trauma and torment by the hands of people I can’t even escape fake to them? I don’t know what to tell you, man. The science is there. The consistency of symptoms between people that have never even met and all share similar experiences is there. What more evidence do you need? Like the theory of structural dissociation is pretty sound to me and reflects a ton of people’s experiences. 

DID has been in the DSM for years and has still kept its place, to this day, in the latest versions. Yet, people are still denying its existence when a good amount of them a) DON’T EVEN HAVE PSYCH DEGREES?? and b) use outdated information on DID and its history. Like, get over yourselves. Not seeing much room for argument. And people LOVE to bring up all the times YEARS AGO that people diagnosed it willy-nilly because it was cool when, nowadays, even some of the worst therapists I’ve ever had are hesitant to diagnose it out of fear of repeating history. Thats gotta mean SOMETHING.

And yeah, I understand that people don’t want to believe that so many young children are getting traumatized so badly it fucks them over from before they reach double digits to the moment they die (sometimes) but FUCK! The world is messed up and the brain does what it’s gotta do to survive dude. Idk man, cry about it, I guess.

I’m so fucking done with everything that comes with DID that I just might do something I’ll regret (I’m not actually gonna do anything, but let me be dramatic.) Everything sucks and I just wanna go home, wherever home is. I’m genuinely gonna cry I’m so fucking done get me out of here PLEASE!! I’m begging and I want out. Lord.

(Came back and read this months later and damn some of this didn’t make sense. I edited some stuff but everything said is the same as before.)

-🐢

[star2sworld]

5/22/24 things are I don’t know

I haven’t been on here in awhile so there is a lot to say. First, I scrolled a little down my page and god I saw the post I made about HIM last year and god I am so glad that situation is over with. It was actually so so bad. After we stopped talking things got really great for me you know. Practicing self love helped me love me for me. Not so much anymore though. Don’t know when I stopped but I did . It sucks because I feel like I worked really hard to get to where I was just to have it messed up by some boy. I mean I didn’t like him but it takes me really long to get over anything and just not being chosen hurt me I guess. I say I don’t care then think about it everyday . I mean I’ll eventually really stop caring. I wish I could stop caring now. On top of that I just finished reading perks of being a wallflower and I saw myself so much in Charlie. I ended up sobbing reading the last few pages. It was just sad. And on top of that Deeya makes me feel like she doesn’t want to talk to me. I’ve also realized that she’s kind of really negative and only focused on the bad parts so I decided to stop talking to her from today. I think she will be fine be she she adopted a dog today. The dog will save her.

I feel like I’m lying to myself when I say things are getting bad again because I’m not sure if they really are. I mean I’m doing good in school, I’ve been driving, and living I guess. I do feel off tho. My energy isn’t there and I haven’t been doing much for the past few weeks. I kinda don’t want to get better. And i especially hate taking to my therapist. I’m sorry I’m kind of writing like Charlie but I just feel like it

I decided collectively to delete all of my social media as well as ghosting deeya. I’m pretty sure I’m going there next week. Not to her house but to Ohio. If it comes up i will text her I guess. Also I kinda feel like relapsing… I just got the chills

Maybe I’m just to into my head and I’ll feel better in the morning and maybe I won’t. I’m going to try my hardest to do some self care tomorrow. I think that is the biggest cause for how I feel. I wish I never talked to that boy. He really messed me up and I barely spoke to him! Idk, just messed up my flow. Ik im focusing on the negatives right now but I just want to let it all out

Im also listening to sad songs so its adding onto the sadness yk? I also hate my body but I try to just avoid staring at my self for too long. I’ve been feeling un pretty too. I don’t feel like saying ugly. It’s pretty Kate and I have school in the morning.

I have to make up my English keystones which is embarrassing to even say LOL. But I do because I didn’t take it on the keystone days so I’m just going to take it on the makeup day which is tomorrow. I’m listening to Alex G right now

I do journal on here from time to time. Well not here on my journals app. But I want to start saying it on here because I feel like I am talking to someone and I’m being heard even tho no one will see this. My account is public so it’s still a possibility

I think the book just made me realize how lonely I feel. Just like Charlie. Having no friends does suck. And I’m going to be alone next year. When I graduate and that’s just really sad for me. I always sit alone during pep rally’s and I already hate that so much. I also have social anxiety so I know graduation is going to absolutely suck. Unless I start loving myself and start living freely. Then I won’t care if I get judged. I thought I was at the point but at the end of the day I still care about getting judged

Im getting tired I think I will sleep soon. Also, I’m going to really try to keep this no social media thing going for as long as humanly possible. I want to be done with social media especially tiktok as a whole. I have brain rot from being online so much.

One last thing. My friends birthday is coming up this Friday. I need to make her a bracelet so that’s all I’ll be doing tomorrow. I’ve gotten really close with her and I love being friends with her. Sometimes I’m scared it will get too awkward and then realize I’m not her cup of tea. I feel like I’ve always struggled with friendships tbh. I just came fake it and be bubbly so I’ll just be quiet and go mute basically. I feel like I’ve never reached that level of friendship. It might be good in the beginning but it never last yk?

Well she invited me to her birthday party. It’s next week and I’m nervous to go because her friend group will be there and I don’t know any of them. Only know of them. I’m not sure they’re okay with me even coming. I don’t want to like disturb them or interfere with their friendship and make the party awkward. I’d rather just stay home if that was the case. But, I decided to go for my friend bc I have it out her before me in this case. She invited me so I’ll show up for her. I hope it goes good. Who knows maybe they will be my future best friends. I just hope it goes good. I’m going to be manifesting it.

I’m going to visualize a good day tomorrow and then visualize me connecting to her friends really well and having a good time.

So yeah, that’s all I can think of and have the energy to write. My hands are hurting so. I’m going to be writing on here a lot with the date in front. Tomorrow I will decide when I want to go back to social media or if I want to go back at all. I just want TikTok for the pictures cuz that’s where I take my selfies lol.

Anyways! I have to be up early because I have to shower and get ready for school. Wish me luck on the keystone. I’ll try to write in the morning if I can. I’m sad I will miss class because I want to see my friend ( the girl who’s birthday party I’m going to.

Okay goodnight

going ghost on the world once again

Oh also 2 weeks until school is over yay

[catsconflictscopicsandchamomile]

hey um this is a real fucking vent of a post maybe dont read if ur triggered easily by family/abuse stuff. I just had to get it out im sry. its not too coherent

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him. my dad. one second we're having a normal conversation about art. then he's screaming at me to shut the fuck up, swearing at me, telling me how behind everyone else my age I am, telling me that I DON'T deserve respect or to be treated like a human, mock-bowing to me while laughing at me and saying that I think I'm sooooo important "like some kind of fucking princess" bc I said I don't deserve to be treated like I'm not human. yelling at me over and over to "shut my fucking mouth", saying that this is why I have no friends, why I lose every friendship I care about, and that he can throw me out right now if I keep "pushing it" and he won't care and there's nothing I can do about it. that I don't have real friends and can't name them. that I'm only acting how I am because I'm "on my period and a bit wacky".

....what sparked this? I said I wash underwear in hot water after I buy it, and that it didn't matter if that was "logical" or not bc I only buy new undies once every year or two. that's what sparked this whole thing. that and me saying "How dare you.I don't deserve to be treated this way." when he blew up. ...literally just yesterday he was saying how he's so proud of me and loves me. not even 24 hours ago he was saying that he could see how hard I'm working and that he understands if I need a break because I'm doing so well. ten MINUTES AGO we were talking about art, looking at the bedsheet I'd ordered and he was complimenting my choices and saying he'd put me in charge of buying new sheets for the household soon. TEN MINUTES AGO. what HAPPENED.

...and I know he'll just go back to loving & respecting me after (insert length of time here) when he feels like it, and until then I'll be excluded from all family interactions, treated like a literal threat and monster at all times, called "my abuser" instead of "my daughter", and forced to hide. ...and then I'll be his Amazing Smart Hardworking Daughter again, unless I bring ANY of this up in which case it will go from Bad to Worst and I am now "THE abuser". this is how it goes. this is how it's gone for a decade. why do I always forget this part when things are good. Even if I write it down or record it (THAT WAS A BAD IDEA HE GOT SO PISSED) it feels...fake??? like it just doesn't exist. I am fully aware that this is gaslighting.

I am fully aware that he does this and simultaneously presents himself to the community as an example of RECOVERY from abuse and has CONSIDERED BECOMING A THERAPIST. I don't have shit on him bc I have nowhere else to go, and I'm not in physical danger. staying here until I can get into college and/or get a job IS my best bet, bc while this is traumatic and unpredictable he's fully all bark, no bite. the majority-ish of the time, things are good. He does house and support me despite having just lost his job (though I'm paying for a lot of the groceries- no job here either), and he's actually been really amazing & supportive this year in general... except when he does This.

and GOD does This suck

one day I'll figure out how to stealth-record on my phone... idk why. when things are Bad Like This i want some record to release to our community once I get independent, and blow this lie out of the water. Ik it's ungrateful but like... what the fuck dude

I'm really thankful for what he's doing for me

but what the fuck dude

why

it's going to mean NOTHING in a few hours/days. he's obviously letting out some internal thing that he has no idea how to channel appropriately and nobody else he can aim it at who wont fight back (except my little brother, who has never done anything wrong ever in his life and is ALWAYS dad's "son") (and the dog, who he sometimes threatens to scare until she pees if she's barking like a lunatic at the pizza guy or someone, but he's mostly-joking/ never actually does it because she's "the best dog in the world") (...I'm treated less human then the dog)

but its just so mean

(also obviously if i even raise my voice/tone a TINY BIT at him, or say a word in a way that he percieves as mildy passive-aggresive, that's a trigger for things to go from Good to Bad unless I immediately literally grovel.

...if you want to uhhhh please send funny videos, art DIYS, animals, mythology, the worst most cursed music and/or mashups you know. I could rly use it rn. just rec me something. anything. (not fanfic tho- I'm currently writing my college application essay on fandom's role in modern folklore, so for once I Do Not Want To Hear/Read Any More About It)

[azzysflowergarden]

My brain is struggling to comprehend time (none of this is for shipping reasons idgaf abt that! This is about my brain being silly at math).

So, in Rottmnt, Mikey is a 2005 kid. I'm also a 2005 kid, so my brain automatically has a «same hat» attachment to him (same thing happened when I watched Into The Spiderverse in 2018, I spent a good while being excited just because Miles and I were both '05 kids).

What my brain is struggling to comprehend is; If both of us are '05 kids, then we are the same age, yeah? That's how it works.

But the show is from 2018 and therefore he's still 13. But. I'm not 13? I'm 17, so I'm older than the bros + April. But the others are '04-'02 kids, so they're older than me???

And the movie takes place in 2020, but then I'm the same age as Raph, a 2003 kid???

I logically know it's just a show. I logically know that the characters are the correct ages for when the media was set. But some part of me is still repeating the «2005 kid? Why's he 13? Why am I 17?» thing.

It doesn't do that for Into The Spiderverse, though, because I saw it in 2018, and therefore my brain knows we were the same age at the same time (and is like «We're growing up together!! Yay!!»), but because I only saw Rottmnt within the past month, there's that disconnect.

This post has no point to it <3 I just wanted to get my thoughts somewhere outside of my head ( ^ ^)👍

[kirishwima]

today’s an ugh day and distractions are more than welcome tbh either prompts or silly asks or convos idk

[liesoverthec]

the post hasn't surfaced yet so please use this ask to talk abt the objectification of the 911 men!!

Ahh May you’re too nice but also thank you, I’m gonna 😂💛

This got. CRAZY long bc I just had a million thoughts so I’m gonna stick it under a cut.

To be honest, I think the reason they do *any* sort of objectification at all is that middle aged and older viewers are used to being able to objectify actors to a certain extent. Lord knows it happens on literally every other single piece of media, and this is a mainstream broadcast show, not an indie series or the likes, so I think they have to cater to those people as well as us, and the WAY they do it is so interesting to me bc even when they’re doing it, they use it as a way to drive home other, deeper messages.

For starters, I feel like the show OG was trying to be in the pilot and the first few episodes would have objectified the men WAY more than we see now if there hadn’t been that shift in tone - the sex addict plot could have been SO much more extended and given us a lot more opportunities to see Buck shirtless and to objectify him and his body. So I find it SO interesting that around the same time as Bobby opening up about his family and his past, we also stop w/ Buck being blatantly shirtless all the time. Narratively, it signals to me the point where the writers moved away from the the typical tv show that will treat their actors like meat, and moved more into a “female gaze” show. And then what’s really interesting to me, is that for Buck, after that, when he has sex w Taylor Kelly in s2, both times we NEVER see him undressed. The second time they don’t get very far, but he’s wearing a buttonable shirt. He absolutely could have been wearing that shirt closed, and she could have opened it, and he could have been wearing nothing underneath it, and we would have seen his chest again in a sexy scenario - but they didn’t. In fact they made the DELIBERATE choice to give him an undershirt. And of course with the first time they cut away and just left us w the understanding that sex was happening, yet again taking away an opportunity to show O.S. at least partially undressed. Which is SO different from how s1 goes about it, where we actually see Buck w his shirt open and his underwear exposed MULTIPLE times. So it’s so incredibly interesting to me that while none of the (main/regular) women’s stories are ever about sex like Buck’s is, I also think it’s REALLY interesting that the objectification of the men was, and could have been, much worse and that they didn’t have to move away from that, but they did.

But then secondly! The very last time we get into a plot that revolves around the men’s bodies specifically is in 2x01, which is SUCH an interesting plot. Surface level - it’s just about the men competing about who’s more attractive, and we get lots of muscle flexing and hot manliness to go along with it. And it is, at a surface level, incredibly shallow. But simultaneously they use it to 1. Introduce the idea that Buck wasn’t a sex addict bc he was “dealing w the stress of the job” like s1 mostly implied. It was bc he’s desperate to feel useful and wanted by someone, and at that point he really wanted that acceptance within the firehouse, rather than from other people. (Bc lbr, Abby didn’t do shit for Buck. It was Bobby, opening up and accepting the family, and specifically Buck, that gave him the connection he’d been seeking through sex.) And then 2. They also use it as an opportunity to SPECIFICALLY, IN CANON, say that it’s what you do that makes you attractive, and that makes you a hero, not how you look. Which is just!!! A crazy message!!! Especially considering they follow through on it, particularly in the areas where the women are concerned!

And in regards to 2x01, it’s soooooo fucking interesting to me that the ONLY time we really truly see Eddie shirtless, he’s actually putting clothes ON. They literally do the opposite trope of 'giving the hot male an excuse to take his shirt off'. And sure, they make it a sexy moment, but there's absolutely interesting commentary there about him actively covering himself up at the moment he is most sexualized, and it being taken as a sexy thing. Something about how you don't have to be naked to be attractive, it's about your intent in your actions, rather than your physical body. (Probably me reading too far into it, but again, they COULD have had him striping off his regular shirt, a good few seconds of him shirtless digging through a bag, and THEN the sexy slow mo pulling shirt on. At the very least, when they objectify him there, they make it MUCH shorter than they could have, which is SO DAMN INTERESTING to me).

But then finally, we still do have shirtless scenes! But the fact that it’s Chim who’s shirtless is just SO FASCINATING. Bc THE WAY THEY DO IT - they're never dunking Chim in a lake, or having something spilled on him, like other shows would do, to get his shirt clinging to him and him to whip it off in a spray of water or whatever. It's in scenes where it makes sense for him to be shirtless, and its NEVER treated like a big deal. It's just Chim, in his body, comfortably living his life. So I think the way they do it gives him more respect than other shows give their male characters, let alone their female characters 💀

And it's SO interesting to me that they use Chim (I mean, besides the fact that K.C. clearly has muscles for days and wow of course you'd use Chim). But I just think - on any other show, it would absolutely be Buck who we see casually shirtless. And that WAS almost this show, which is why we saw him shirtless at all. But failing that, it should have been Eddie. And then of course, after Eddie, it should be Bobby. I mean, plenty of other shows go for the 'sexy middle-aged white man' (cough cough LS) so Bobby would be the next logical step in the "who are we gonna make our hot man?" ladder, also - P.K. has BICEPS THAT COULD CRUSH ME so I would not blame them for making him the hot one.

But - like I said in my tags on my original post - I'm always thinking about Chim's story in 2x01 with the calendar, and feeling like he never gets to be the hero (WHICH I COULD GO ON AND ON ABOUT HOW BEING THE HERO IS EQUATED THERE TO BEING THE HOT ONE, SO LIKE, CHIM BEING SHIRTLESS, SUBTLE REINFORCEMENT OF HIM BEING A HERO!) I love that for him, being the truly hot one on the team. And then you throw in his story from 2x04, and feeling like his life wasn't going anywhere and seeing him now, comfortable in his body and his life and being happy??

I wish no one had to be objectified and shirtless but I know this is broadcast tv, and honestly, the choice for it to be Chim, with his story and his background, in itself is I think a choice that makes me happy.

Of course, the show is nowhere near perfect, and I’d argue that it’s one of the areas they fall shortest in. Buck sleeping w his therapist would never have happened for a woman on this show, and it CERTAINLY wouldn’t have been brushed off again as a joke like it was in s3. And it really bothered me in 4x07 when the lady slapped Eddie’s ass, esp since he was clearly uncomfortable with it. I’d actually really enjoy seeing them write a plot for one of the men that addresses them feeling oversexualized as firefighters, and how people seem to think they have permission since the men are all public employees, bc I think the show could do it really well, and I think it’s an area that hasn’t been addressed on other shows recently (plus lbr I know I’m biased but I think OG would do it better if it has been done…)

So idk. I don’t know if I have a solid conclusion here. The show does SUCH a good job with the women, and a solidly less good job with the men - but I also see some really interesting choices at work that I really respect.

Thanks for the opportunity May, sorry if there was no coherent thread to this. 😂🤷‍♀️

[moveslikejaggeria]

im very tired, tumblr dot com. im just very much exhausted. i think about how much i wanted to die just a few weeks ago and how happy i am now. but also,,, how i was right. happiness always comes in such fleeting moments. it sucks. the river is smaller, my dear friends, much easier to cross these days. but it doesnt mean its not still there.

i stopped seeing my therapist. and dietician. neither of them really reached out. fair enough. i think we were just dancing around the inevitable. i am therapist-proof: i repel them. its something about me that just pushes them away. its the me-ness.

i want a family so badly. all my friends are dating!! this sucks!! im so happy for them but wheres MY lover dearest. i hate dating apps though, im done with them. i gotta Know someone to date them and thats so hard over dating apps. alas

im so tired. not so much that its reached my bones, but its definitely deep in my muscles. i went and got a massage. it sucked and was expensive. now im sitting in the shower avoiding going to sleep bc as soon as i do tomorrow has to start. bleh

keep this to yourself porn bots but there was this person i really liked last year and god i was pretty infatuated but theyre not single so i had to get over it but sometimes i still have dreams with them in it and its kinda weird. like ik i cant control my dreams but it Feels manipulative to be in a situation where they are at my brains will. even i wont conform to that. plus then i wake up and the bed’s a little colder. alas

the loneliness is so deep in my bones i dont think itll ever leave, like a tumor they cant remove and you just kinda have to live with it and accept your fate. like a constant reminder that youre not normal or healthy and you never will or can be.

UGH i have TWO (2) meetings tomorrow. one of which is gonna SUCK bc i just have to sit there and be silent. i used to be really good at being silent. im twinning with mae from avatar lol.

i wish i lived in fiction. i wish i lived in a story that the author had all planned out and they had this nice little ending planned where everything was gonna finally be okay and id be happy. i think im trapped in a not-happy ending story. where the author tortures their characters relentlessly

how far away is labor day? i think labor day i’ll clean my apartment and finish moving in. maybe i’ll invite some friends over to keep me company, maybe not. maybe they will be busy or not want to. idk

not even a full week of school and im done. BLEH. i wish my therapist had put up more of a fight. or i had a better therapist. but then i wouldnt be talking to you, tumblr dot com! or maybe i still would. thats the question

there are two kind of depressed people: the ones who write happy endings for characters and imagine themselves AS the character to feel whole and those who torture their characters out of catharsis or to not feel so alone. so i suppose this is all karma for my fictional characters. do you think if i become the former life would be better?

OH tumblr dot com, i know you hate the tiky toky app, but they told me i was gonna find a partner this year! oh can you believe it! and if i listened to this one sound and manifested, i would be rich. oh tumblr dot com, can you imagine? someone to just hold and be held by? someone who you can lay your head against and listen to their heartbeat? someone you can trust with your whole you? oh tumblr dot com, how i do love to go on…

one last thing before i let you continue scrolling, mr porn bot. the happiest day of my life that i can remember is that one saturday last semester. i went to the arcade/golf course/gokart place place with my friends and we spent the day there and then we came home and i got to meet lewberger and see them perform and oh! the day before when i got my picture taken with stinger and got ice cream and knew random facts about greys anatomy and oh,,, to be young again. to live in those moments and just be happy. for that fleeting moment