#idk if i hope it's nothing so i don't have to deal with more medical bullshit or if i hope it's something to legitimize my experience

[dreamlogic]

...

[joenotexotic99]

Idk if you're still making this, but I want to let you know that we're waiting for BoB Lovetropes p2. My suggestions: Toye, Eugene, Malarkey, Guarnere, Luz, Sobel. Hope you're doing okay <3

A/n: I've been dealing with some stuff lately and now finally have a little time to catch up on old stuff. I also want to apologize anon I couldn't bring myself to soble. Sorry couldn't do it.

-Warnings: fluff, tiny bit of language, got wayyy to carried away with malarkey’s, oops. Might have to turn that into its own thing, if it's not already. Luz is slightly spicy, nothing crazy but you cant miss it.-

Masterlist

Joe Toye

-grumpy vs sunshine trope. Omggggg, the idea of this has me kicking my feet and giggling. Joe Toye is rough around the edges, tough skin. You on the other hand have always been the positive one, keeping the people around you spirits high. Being an optimist of sorts. Maybe not cheerful but you could definitely make someone's day. Yet behind his grumpy facade, he can't help but notice your unwavering optimism. He wasn't opposed to love; he just never expected to be swept off his feet so quickly by one person. Your personality was anything but the same. Never in a million years did he think he was going to fall in love with a bright and shiny person, which was the exact reason why he loved you so much. You two were like night and day. You were the beacon of light in all the darkness. I feel like Toye would also be super protective over you. Kinda the same vibe as liebgott. But that's for another time. 

“Is that a smile I see on your face toye?” “I'm one lucky bastard you realize that?”

Eugene roe

-office romance/forced proximity. I didn't exactly know what to call this one. Both you and roe are easy company medics. Gene from the start, harbord a crush on you. And mean big time crush. Thinking about you he got butterflies in his stomach. You both spent significant time together. Typically the only times you were separated is when you were attending to fellow paratroopers. Bastogne was a turning point. You were in a jeep headed to the church, your hand and a cloth being the soul thing keeping a man alive. You almost made it before the church burst into flames. When Gene heard what happened he got the first ride possible to bastogne. When he saw you, hand now on a clearly dead man, he took you into his arms. He brought you back to the Adrennes forest. As usual you spent the night in genes fox hole the only difference was you both saw what was right in front of you for the first time and kissed. It wasn't until Austria where he gave you a promise ring where he promised to spend and devote the rest of his life with you.

“you make me the happiest man you know that y/n?”

“Tell me that again at our wedding”

Donald Malarkey 

-friends to lovers? Maybe a sprinkle of enemies to lovers?? I don't know but here me out. So you join the paratroopers as a female, the reason you got in was from connections in the army. Seeing how even if you are the most talented female there is, it's still the 40s here. I wouldn't think that the Toccoa men would flat out bully you, but would more just not believe in you. Probably leave you out of a lot of things. Kind of just pretend you weren't there. But not malarkey. He saw something in you that the rest didn't. Honestly he was shocked to see how they treated you. You were the best paratrooper there was in this company. You stood your ground. You met and exceeded in all categories. Passed each test with flying colors. You also were able to do it with the most incredible smile. As much as you disliked it, he stood up for you. Complimented and congratulated you when you did well. You really liked him. He was cute, kind, and not a douche wad. But sadly, most guys here if they weren't mean, they were trying to get Into your pants. As much as you wouldn't mind that with malarkey, you weren't here for that. One day in Aldbourne England you had enough. You weren't going to get swooned into bed and he had to know it. When you had a spare moment you grabbed him and pulled him aside and told him to stop. He was bewildered that this is how you perceived him. He explained to you that was not his intention. You could hear the sincerity of his voice. He meant it. This was the start of your friendship. You both were like a thing but not? Kinda a situationship. But it wasn't official until Haguenau. The effects of war painted across your faces. In one of the houses you laid in one of the beds, trying for the hundredth time to get some rest to no avail. He came and found you. There was little and a lot to say. Instead he kissed you. The past two years of friendship melted instantly into a lifetime of love. 

“god i've wanted you to do that for a long time”

“What happened to ‘I'm not here for a relationship’?”

“shut the fuck up and kiss me again would ya”

William Guarnere

-Enemies to lovers. Come on, this is so perfect. Guarnere is a natural bully. He bullies everybody all the time, but you? He loves bullying you. He always has an insult special for you up his sleeve. However, that's a lie. He hates it to his core. You are the sweetest person ever. All he wants to do is not bully you. He's somewhere in the middle of liebgott and Speers. He doesn't want to be seen as weak. He has this demnor he feels the need to uphold and that everybody around him expects. Not some ooey gooey man. Even though if he could he'd probably worship you. You were perfect in his eyes. He hates himself more and more but the more he digs himself into this hole the harder it is for him to get out. He finally cracks when someone else makes a particular mean stab at you one day at a bar in holland. He can hate himself all he fucking wants for bullying you. But somebody else is doing it? Hurting you? Not going to happen. He breaks his nose, jaw, maybe a rib or two, black eye and busted lip, all before he could get ripped off this guy. You get wind of this later. Within minutes you're confronting him. Before he shuts you up with a kiss.

“I thought you hated me”

“Hate you? No, For fuckes sake sweetheart, I'm in love with you”

George Luz

-meet cute. You originally met just before you signed up to be paratroopers. And I mean just before. You were getting blood work done to test how fit you were to fight.  As you waited in the lobby to fill out paperwork, you went to reach for your pen. That's when you realized it wasn't there. It just so happens that a very cute guy next to you had an extra with him. You quickly filled the paper and exchanged names and conversations. On the way home you couldn't get him out of your head. So couldn't he. Later when you were assigned to easy company you found the one and only George luz. The same extremely handsome guy at the clinic. He immediately recognized you. How could he not? Your face and laugh had been at the front of his thoughts a lot lately. You tried to keep both of your composure during Toccoa seeing how you didn't want to get into any trouble. But that all fell apart after one weekend with a pass and some alcohol. Kisses were shared, clothes were shed and hands roamed. After that night you made it official. Luz also started writing his vows.

“you know I've never felt this way before”

“What the sex or me? Because If it wasn't the sex let me know so we can go again”

“both luz, but I can't turn that offer down now can I”

[sunnygrey99]

Honey, Smoke, Lemon, and Oak Pt. 2

~Trigger Warning: Typical TLOU warnings. (minors DNI) If any other Triggers apply please let me know.~

Story Warnings: Angst, Fluff, Violence, Murder, Death, Smut

A/N: I gave reader a nickname to kind of play around with it. so far both chapters are pretty lighthearted but it will start to get darker in the next few chapters. This is going to be between 9 and 20 chapters. Idk where this story is going exactly so strap in. If you catch any grammar or spelling mistakes please feel free to either PM me or comment. I don't have a beta reader.

Wordcount: 2,947

Summary: Plus size!Reader is a Beekeeper and Medical Scientist living in Jackson. A simple meeting of a new friend slowly becomes so much more. Reader is immune. Reader is given a nickname. (This fic will have very dark tones though out. This deals with the unfortunate reality that men do disgusting things to women regardless of the world having ended. All chapters will include warnings and tag warnings. Please take care in reading.)

The sun rose slowly over the hills and trees as you sleepily walked around the kitchen. Already dressed and ready for spending the day in your barn. It doubles as storage and a lab. It’s where you spend a good chunk of time making any medications you can for the town. Some are more from just herbs and others are straight from a pharmacologist textbook. Luckily even in an apocalyptic world you had or could find the resources to make more modern medicines.

As you pour some fresh lemonade into a glass and bite into some toast you hear a knock at the door. You weren’t expecting anyone specific today so your body froze for a moment, hand hovering over the knife on your hip. Another knock comes to the door and you slowly approach and peep through the small window on the door. It was Joel and a young girl. Quickly you unlock the door and swing it open with a smile on your face. “Hey Mr.Miller! How are you settling in?”

“We are settling in alright, ready to get started on that barn of yours. Brought Ellie here too, hope thats alright.” He pats Ellie’s back before turning his attention back to you.

“That is absolutely fine, Its good to meet you Ellie, I’m Bunny.” You held out your hand to the younger girl. She shook it enthusiastically with a smile.

“Joel said you made all that stuff in the basket, It was so good!” Her energy levels this early in the morning nearly made you want to turn around and close the door, but she was being so sweet. “Do you have a bunch of bees here? Joel said you harvest the honey yourself, do you have one of those bee suits?”

Her questions were only slightly overwhelming due to the early morning. Sighing with a smile you nod, “I can show you later. I don’t really need the suit anymore for my hives but you will definitely need to wear it to meet the bees.” You look from her to Joel hoping to have his approval as well. Ellie doing the same.

He looks between the two hopeful faces and nods, “Lets take a look at that barn first so I can get started and I’ll let you off the hook. You gotta promise to listen to Miss Bunny here and be safe.” He fixes Ellie with a stern look before she nods back.

You can’t help but smile at the two before sliding out the door yourself and starting to lead them through the garden and back to the large barn at the back of the property. Hidden behind apple and lemon trees sits the old red building. It looks to be only held up by the few sturdy poles and one side of the barn is starting to cave in slightly. You hear a low whistle come from behind you and a “Holy shit” in a hushed tone from Ellie.

“I know she doesn’t look great but I’ve at least kept her standing for the last few years.” Your turn to look at the pair sheepishly. “I’ve lived here since I was 18. There was a big storm about 3 years ago and nearly took the barn out. I’ve tried fixing it but I know nothing about construction.”

Joel moves about the side of the building and scratches at the back of his head. “I’m surprised shes still standing at all. I mean no offense by that its just the damage itself looks pretty extensive and this is just the outside.”

“I take no offense to it Mr. Miller, If you can fix it I’d greatly appreciate it. Its a pretty important building. Not only to me but to the town too.” You go to lead him inside to show him. He and Ellie follow with some confusion. As you slide open the big door the building creaks and whines. Its only supports wanting to finally give in and the newer ones you’ve placed taking the rest of the weight. One side of the building is purely food and medical storage for the town that has yet to be transported to the clinic and town kitchen. The other half looks like a fully functional lab. Beakers and jars everywhere on chemistry desks that look to have been taken either from a high school or college science room. “Please forgive the mess I was going to make more rounds of antibiotics and saline fluid bags for the clinic today.”

“You can MAKE the medicine?” Ellie’s excitement launches her into a million questions after you nod. The list of questions just keep pouring out about how you do it and what do you use. How long it takes and do you use this tool? She leaves no room for you to answer any of it so your mouth just hangs open slightly waiting for a moment to answer any of it. That is if you can remember any of the questions.

Joel seems to catch on quickly to what is happening and he decides to speak up, “Ellie quit with all the questions give her time to answer.” He has an eyebrow raised at her as she stops. “And put that down. Don’t need ya gettin’ hurt.” She puts the flint lighter back down on the counter with a pointed look at Joel and then gives you an apologetic look and a soft apology.

You take a deep breath and take the next 30 minutes to go over some of Ellie’s questions as Joel continues his inspection. He takes notes on every major fix that needs done only pausing every few minutes to make sure Ellie doesn’t go off on another tangent. The only reason you stop answering Ellie’s questions is Joel coming over to show you his list.

“Are you sure we can’t just knock it down and rebuild it? The is going to be even more work and take a lot longer if we don’t just start over.” He looks sympathetic as he notices your features drop from the excitement of talking with Ellie to that familiar sadness in his own eyes.

A small sigh escapes you, “I’m sorry we don’t have the recourses to spare to fully rebuild it. And even if we did I don’t think I could say goodbye to this barn. Like I said its important to me. Do you think its stable enough to fix?” You look to him a hope he’ll say yes.

He takes the list back and sucks in a breath. Before the world had ended he would have said no and still suggested to rebuild it instead. He took another look over at the supports you added in yourself and the roof and wall sagging in, the window at this point completely missing. The air he held in his lungs releases again as he looks back to you, “With your supports added in… I can fix that.”

Its only an hour later that Joel returns with a truck full of materials, tools, and Tommy to assist with getting started. Ellie insisted on staying with you to learn more about what you did and help with the days chores. The last 16 years you had done it all yourself so it took a lot of convincing from both Ellie and Joel to accept. He and Tommy were unloading the truck next to the barn when you approached the two with a tall cool glass in each hand. Ellie still content harvesting green beans in the garden. “Tommy, Mr. Miller Thanks for all this.” She handed each of them their drinks.

Tommy immediately drinking the refreshing liquid and Joel watching to see what it might be. He simply nods to Joel to drink. He hesitantly takes a sip and is surprised to find its sweet tea and mint. He takes another bigger gulp of the amber drink. “It’s no problem Miss Bunny, Thank you for the tea and all the food you gave us. Its very kind of you. Ain’t had anything this good in decades.”

Tommy’s eyes widen and he gives an incredulous look at his brother before Bunny is talking again. “That’s very kind thank you…I’ll uh leave you guys to it then if you need anything I’ll be with Ellie in the garden.” You smile at the two and start walking back to help Ellie who is already excitedly talking and trying to show you her haul of green beans.

Joel watches for a moment as he continues to sip the tea in hand. It’s not till he hears a cough from next to him that he snaps out of his trance and looks back at his brother who’s still giving him a look. “What? What’s that look for?”

“Miss Bunny?” He gestures to the woman across the property.

Joel looks from his brother back to her and then back to his brother, “Yeah? What about it? I’m just bein’ friendly. You told me when we got here these were all good people and to be nice. So I am.”

Tommy gives him another pointed look, “That ain’t just bein’ nice, you are flirting. And you are horrible at it. And you let her call you Mr. Miller. You ain’t ever let anyone call you that.”

“I ain’t flirtin’…” Joel gives his brother a fixed look back. “I ain’t…”

“You don’t sound so sure to me.” Tommy ignores his brother’s huffs and continues unloading the truck and assisting his brother in repairs for the rest of the day.

It’s nearly sundown when you and Ellie wrap up making dinner after spending the first part of the day doing chores around the farm. As reserved as you are she found a way to weasel into your heart quickly. You chalk it up to having been so lonely the last few years only having a real friendship with Maria and Tommy. You are friendly with the other people in town but you don’t feel the need to go any further in getting to know them. Ellie excitedly talks your ear off as the two of you set up the dinner on the picnic table outside, Tommy and Joel approach as they each wipe the sweat from their faces.

“What’s all this?” Tommy asks as they reach the table.

“We cooked dinner! Bunny showed me a bunch of stuff on cooking with seasoning. Did you know she makes her own seasonings too? Like she makes everything from scratch not much of it is found from outside the walls.” Ellie’s broad smile gives you more hope for a future where people can heal and go back to a more normal way of life.

“Well that’s awesome, Sorry I can’t stay. Gotta get back to Maria.” Tommy gives your arm a reassuring squeeze.

You chuckle lightly, “That's alright I already figured as much. We made enough for you to take back with you for Maria too. I know how much she likes roasted chicken and veggies.” You pull another weaved basket from the bench and hand it to Tommy. “I also put one of those cakes she likes so much in there.”

“You are a saint, Ya’ll have a wonderful dinner. I’ll be back to help Joel again in a couple days.” With a quick goodbye to everyone Tommy is in his truck and back on his way home.

It isn’t long before the three of you were sitting and chatting about the day and how they are liking Jackson so far. Plates full of food and glasses full of more Sweet Tea.

“So are you going to be going to the school they have here or just jumping straight into a trade?” You take another bite of your veggies as you wait for Ellie to answer.

She rolls her eyes and sinks a little as she answers, “Joel said I have to do school until I’m at least 17. But I think I can just hop in on patrol. It’s not like I’ll use any of that other stuff.”

You couldn’t help but giggle slightly, “Yeah I thought that growing up too. I actually ended up using it a lot. Especially my science courses. Without knowing any of that and math I wouldn’t be able to make medicine for the town or hell even farm.”

“But don’t you just put seeds in the ground and water them?” She seems genuine in her question which made it all the more obvious her previous education was probably more so rooted in survival and combat.

Joel beat you to the answer, “Its a lot more complicated than that Ellie. A lot more steps most rural schools use to have year long classes around just farming not to mention cattle care and environmental sciences.” Ellie looks to you for confirmation.

Conversation continued to flow the rest of the way through dinner. As you started cleaning up Ellie and Joel followed in suit behind you. The way back into the house just barely still being lit up the quickly descending sun. Turning on the lights as you set the final dishes in the sink to be washed later you spoke back up, “Thanks again for doing this Joel. You don’t understand how much it means to me that the barn sticks around.”

“Well I’ll do my best. I wasn’t lyin’ when I said it would take a while to fix. Even if I’m here all day everyday it’ll take 2 months at a minimum.” Joel’s response sure and confident.

“It’s worth it in the end. Which brings me to the next order of business. Your payment.” You disappear past the archway into your living room.

“You've already given us so much ain’t no need to give us anything else.” Him and Ellie follow you into the living room of the ranch style home.

“Non-sense, you both have put in more than 8 hours of work. Thats worth more than just some food.” You pulled the boxes from the coffee table and handed one to each of them. “I would have given you each more if I knew Ellie was coming to work too. So its not much but its better than what I know they probably left you with in that old house.”

Ellie opened hers first and pulls the fabric from the box. “Whoa did you make this? Its so soft!”

You smile at the girl’s reaction. “I did. These are only summer quilts. They’ll keep you more cool through the night but still have some weight to them. Makes you feel just a little bit safer at night.”

Joel opened his and ran his hand over the fabric. It looked like it was made from new fabric too. Plain colors like Ellie’s his in dark greens and creams versus the deep reds and grays of hers. All Joel could do was thank you and have Ellie do the same before parting ways for the night and heading home.

~~~

Joel spent that night covered in the new blanket. He fell asleep much faster than he had in years and without the need of medication and booze. She was right. The weight of the blanket did make him feel just a little bit safer. Him and Ellie would spend the next 2 months going through the same routine of waking up and helping you with chores around the farm. However some days you insisted you still needed to make some of the medications for the town. Joel and Ellie would respect that however both refused days off and would still do what they could to help you. If you were working in the barn they would spend the day transporting what needed taken to the clinic and town kitchen.

You had gotten use to Ellie’s constant company and enjoyed teaching her all about your farm and the bees. Before long you dreaded the goodbye at the end of the night. You’d draw out dinner as long as you could. Sometimes simply enjoying sitting silently listening to Ellie go on about one of her particular interests or tell funny stories about Joel over the time the two have known each other. You loved most the way he’d poke little jokes back at her and tell his own short stories of Ellie. The look each of them had in their eyes while talking with each other. Joel’s looks of proud father and Ellie’s smug look that can only be a result of father daughter bonding. It felt good to be a part of it, but all good things come to an end. Tonight was the last night Joel and Ellie would both be there. Ellie was going to start school tomorrow.

It was Joel that finally decided it was time to head home for the day. “Alright kiddo. I think we’ve stayed long enough. You have school tomorrow.”

Ellie puts on her signature pout. “Fine. But I can come over after school again tomorrow?”

Joel looks back over to you in a quiet question. You nod to him that its up to him. “Alright but bring your homework and do that first before to do anything else.”

Ellie groans and you all start standing from the table. “Alright well I guess I’ll just give you guys the weekly payment and then let you go for the night.” You pulled the same basket you’d been giving to the pair weekly with extra goodies back out and handed it to Joel. Your hands brushing against each other as you hand off the basket. You lead the two to the front door and lean against the frame as you bid them a goodnight.

Part 3

If you would like to be tagged in my works please feel free to message me and let me know who/what fandoms you��d like to be tagged in. I plan to write for at least The Walking Dead, Shameless(US), Marvel(MCU and Comics), DC(All), Teen Wolf and The Last of Us

[junkshop-disco]

Just posted a new chapter so what better time for a fic meme. Tagged by @magicalrocketships but idk if I have any better screen grabs than theirs.

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

38, which makes the average word count completely ridiculous.

2. What's your total ao3 word count?

1,048,397. Average word count 27,589. Brevity, I don't know her.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Downton Abbey, Fate the Winx Saga, Good Omens currently.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

The Honeysuckle Arch

Learning to Speak the Language of Flowers

An Equal and Opposite Reaction

Instalments

The Could in People

Whenever I look at the stats, I'm taken aback at just how skewed my sense of which fics are the most popular is. Because I would not have guessed some of these at all.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to, but I am--at heart--a deeply anxious squirrel masquerading as a person and any sort of interaction with people I don't know well can sometimes be too much for me to handle. When my anxiety is bad, I imagine that every single comment will be about how shit my writing is and what an awful person I am, so I can't read them right away, let alone reply. I have to work up to them and do a couple at a time and I always intend to reply but sometimes, weeks/months/years pass without me feeling up to it and then it feels too awkward. Right now my anxiety is much better thanks to lots of medication and some pretty hefty life changes, so I'm more able to engage with them like a vaguely normal person, but sometimes if I have a bad week, opening the comment box to reply 'thanks! Glad you liked it' makes me feel like James Bond sitting nose to nose with an armed bomb. I do hold onto comments, though. I screen grab ones that really resonated and re-read them when I feel down. They mean a great deal to me, even if I can't always say so in a timely fashion.

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

It's definitely a Merlin fic, possibly Doubt Creeps In? That whole thing is pretty angsty and there's no real resolution. I wrote a few angsty endings in Merlin fic.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Idk that I've ever written truly happy ending. I've written cute endings, give-them-a-break endings, but I don't know if I'd describe any of them as happy. I don't tend to go in for them. Nothing winds me up more than an epilogue with a pasted on happy ending. I have been known to hurl a book across the room.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I haven't for a while but I used to when I wrote HP fic. My favourite ever was 'you should be flayed for writing this. I hope you die.' I still laugh when I think about it.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes. All kinds? I have written the odd fade to black in my time and also the most unremitting filth in all flavours of vanilla to kinky.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I've written a handful. Back on LJ I wrote a Merlin/Twilight crossover where Edward and Merlin team up to fight evil vampire unicorns who can only be killed by virgins singing at them until they explode.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yep. Tbh I just feel sad for the people who do it. It seems like a very hollow way to do fandom.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yep. And podficced! It's always nice.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I've done a few Big Bangs and other events where I collaborated with someone and it's always one of my favourite things to do. I've also co-written some... stuff on anon, which we're not going to talk about 👀

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Can anyone pick just one? Like Hotel California, I check out but I never leave. I am still here for Mulder and Scully, Mal and Inara, Tara and Willow, Giles and Jenny, Bradley and Colin, Merlin and Gwaine, Nick and Harry and Niall, Isak and Even, Remus, Lily, Sirius and Tonks, Crowley and Aziraphale, Thomas and Richard, Ed and Stede, Farah and Saul. The ships I love never leave me and picking a favourite would make me sad.

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

If I'm posting it, it will get finished. I have a couple of things languishing on my hard drive that may never see the light of day, like a Thomas in LA fic post DA2, but I can't not finish things.

16. What are your writing strengths?

A commitment to the bit? An unwavering belief there's never a bad time for banter? An unfailing devotion to poking people's bruises?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

See above.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Would attempt only in a comedy situation where getting it wrong was the point.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Firefly. The first one I posted in was HP though, rip.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Saying I'm fond of all of them would be such a cop out, wouldn't it? In truth, my favourite is usually the one I'm currently writing, so let's say Sum of the In-between Things. It's morphed so far from what I intended it to be and I have literally no idea if I can stick the landing on it, but I've genuinely had a blast writing it, and that's the point, isn't it?

Tagging: @septemberrie @myalchod and @magnolia822!

[c0rpseductor]

i think one of the really frustrating parts about my ocd is like

i have the lying by omission or being accidentally misleading fear a LOT (esp as it relates to disclosing my abuse history) and also the same compulsion to seek reassurance as like anybody with ocd, but i also have this terrible thing where i recognize that my thoughts are unhelpful and illogical but get convinced that if i talked about them people would be mad at me.

like if i mentioned as an example "donation posts are bad for my ocd bc i feel morally obligated to reblog them and experience serious anxiety and discomfort until i do, and if they have any guilt-inducing language it compounds the effect" then my fear ends up that people would respond like "well it IS your obligation and you are being a bad person by making it all about you and comforting you in your privilege." basically like worrying that actually my ocd IS reasonable and those standards ARE objective and people WILL be mad if i try to work on it.

and ofc that also makes it really hard when i DO say or do something wrong related to my ocd, bc then i will have weird anxiety about it for ages but not be able to tell anybody or ask for help managing it down to reasonable levels of guilt bc then i'll feel like that's "making it about myself" and that actually the guilt is the only thing tethering me to acceptable behavior and so on. and usually the thing i've done wrong is small, so it's like, i feel ridiculous for being upset about being Evil Forever And Needing To Always Atone And Watch My Behavior over basically nothing. and then that ALSO makes me feel like i'm making it about myself and need to be watched and disciplined EVEN MORE. so even the smallest thing i do wrong can send me into like ages of self-policing and "you are so [insert bigotry here] and if you don't [list of compulsions] you will be irredeemably awful. [list of compulsions] is the only way to make up for what you've done. reaching out for help just means you don't want to accept the necessary discomfort that comes from being good and care more about your personal comfort than what is morally correct."

And this is just how i live my life every day and i have to try to just deal with that without having insane incredibly visible meltdowns which is always literally all my brain wants me to do bc part of me will hope people see that and Absolve me of my usually imagined wrongdoing. but this emotional reaction also counts as Bad (see above).

idk why im really going into all this beyond that i wish more people understood what moral ocd is like and how it manifests and that people who have it are not just like, chronically online or whatever. ive had my ocd symptoms made fun of as me being like, too much of a tumblrina goodie two shoes who needs to lighten up before, and it's really frustrating. like believe it or not i KNOW most of this makes no goddamn sense, but i have a mental illness that causes anxious obsessive spirals and compulsive behavior to mitigate that crushing anxiety, so outside of ERP or medication i cannot in fact Just Chill. like it's not a personality flaw of too much prudishness OR being too self-concerned and fragile to do The Work of unlearning bias (attitude i have also seen about ocd symptoms). it's a fucking disability

[evil8keta]

Just some silly chaotic energy: how about an s/o for the support class that... is stupid. Walks into walls, gets random scratches and they dunno wth they're from :,), just does whatever they want. Probably has rabies at this point.

Eh, idk, it's like 4 am here and I'm running on 1 singular brain cell. Self-projecting much.

this is so me fr. i love waking up everyday with 6 new bruises of unknown origin. also i loved this request so much that i decided to do it for ALL the classes, hope u don't mind! :D

mercs x reader who's a clumsy dumbass

SCOUT

- laughts at you. this bastard straight up bursts into laughter whenever you trip or bump your head into something. he DOES ask you if you're okay and helps you up, but not after laughing at your clumsiness first. he's actually pretty clumsy too, so i guess you two are a match made in heaven (/j) one time you two were walking somewhere and you tripped and fell, scout saw it and immediately started laughing.... but as he kept walking he didn't notice the lamp post right in front of him, so he face planted into it... serves him right

PYRO

- noooo s/o don't touch that thing you're gonna get electrocuted!!! pyro worries so much about you :(( they really care about you and your health, so they made it their personal goal to make sure you're safe as possible! which means you are not leaving their sight. EVER. prepare for them to cling onto you 24/7 to make sure you don't do something stupid.... however if you manage to get hurt EVEN despite pyro's observant gaze, they will totally patch you up!! boom, now you're covered from head to toe in cute and colorful bandaids

SOLDIER

- he has no sense of self preservation. soldier often does dumb shit that gets him injured and he doesn't even realize it, so chances are he doesn't notice whenever YOU are about to do dumb shit... you guys are a disaster (affectionate). you both get injured often, but soldier can be very dramatic when it comes to your injuries. it doesn't matter whether it's just a small scractch, he WILL carry you in his arms to the medbay while screaming stuff like "HANG IN THERE S/O, DON'T DIE ON ME!" needless to say, he takes your health very seriously

HEAVY

- oh my God you're gonna be the death of him!! he worries SO MUCH!! you can tell he's really worried of how often you injure yourself completely on accident! because of this heavy often gives you little warnings whenever you're about to do something clumsy, such as reminding you to not bump your head in the doorframe or telling you to tie your shoelaces.... he tries his best but you still get injured, so when that happens he holds your hand and brings you to medic. if it's a smaller injury he just sits you down and makes you a sandvich to cheer you up

DEMOMAN

- okay so this is interesting. at first demo laughed at your clumsiness. not really in a malicious way, he just thought you seem pretty silly tripping over nothing and bumping into glass. he always helped you up afterwards, and overall took your clumsiness lightheartedly... but after a while he was like HOLD UP you get injured WAY too often!!! he soon started worrying about you more and more to the point he just started fussing over you like he's your mom or something, scolding you for not being careful and shit. also, my man gets EMOTIONAL!! so you better learn how to be not-clumsy or else you will have to deal with a worried drunk demoman who bursts into tears whenever you get a tiny scratch for the rest of your life

ENGINEER

- he actually finds your clumsiness to be pretty endearing!! he's like "y'all look at my wonderful s/o aren't they lovely :)" and it's just you falling off of a chair. engie knows that it's not your fault and that he can't stop you from being a clumsy dumbass either so instead he embraces this part of you and finds it lowkey cute!! cause he finds EVERYTHING about you cute!! he always patches you up after you injure yourself and actually thinks it's a great bonding experience lol. also if you ever feel insecure about your clumsiness then engie will totally reassure you and remind you of how cool and awesome you are!!

MEDIC

- quite indifferent to it actually. he thinks your clumsiness is kinda cute and entertaining, and he doesn't mind patching you up! you just happen to be a regular guest on his operating table, which he doesn't mind! gives him quite the excuse to spend time with you :D also, medic kind of turns it into a game-- somehow it's fun to try to figure out HOW exactly you got all those random bruises and scratches. spoiler alert you guys never figure it out and the cause of your bruises will forever be a mystery

SPY

- seeing you get hurt over and over again because of the dumb shit you do makes him SO frustrated. believe me... this man tries his best to look after you and make sure you're okay but you still manage to get scratched and injured! ohh but don't worry, his anger is NEVER directed at you, but rather at everything else around you. he's the type of guy who sees you trip over nothing and he's like "haha love you're so clumsy! :)" but when you're not looking he will pull out his knife and try to stab the air

SNIPER

- oh he is TIRED. sniper also makes it his personal goal to keep you safe, so he often watches you and looks out for any potential threats. it doesn't work, you still get hurt. everytime he sees you trip and fall or bump into something (even if he warned you) he just lets out the loudest sigh ever, walks up to you and offers you a bandaid from the med kit he always carries with him (because of YOU). one time he was just done with your bullshit and threw you on his shoulder, he carried you like that for a WHOLE DAY but you STILL managed to get scratches and stuff. after this happened sniper really started to question what evil spirit of clumsiness possessed you for you to be like this

[autistook]

tw depression, sh, ed, bpd, medication, venting, etcetc u know the deal

I am at my fucking limit like I feel so empty and everyday feels worse and worse and idk. This chronic emptiness is killing me. I started new meds and I am desperate for them to help because I seriously don't know how much strength I have left in me. Almost nothing brings me genuine joy. Just hung out with friends and somehow it made me feel even more lonely. I feel like I'm not supposed to be in this world. I'm too damaged. Too different. I am not lovable. I am disgusting, fat and I honestly don't think I am worth anything. I don't know how much of this is my BPD talking and how much it blocks my judgement but ndkrndkdkdk. And like, my eating problems are getting so much worse but I keep gaining weight and I can't look myself in the mirror anymore without feeling absolutely disgusted. I was gonna end it all on Finland's independence day like one of my middle school friends did but I accidentally slept the whole day instead. I am kinda wishing I did it so I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore. I've felt like this since I was 10. I am 24 and I am losing hope on it ever getting better.

Anyway back to eating my shit food cuz it's all I can eat without feeling nauseous but it makes me hate myself

Anyway anyway back to lotr posting

I just wish I was okay

[kalisbaby]

My mom's in the ER with my sister because her (mom) sugar went up. And she hasn't been taking her medications or her insulin or gotten a new PCP after her old one suddenly up and closed his business. (Like deadass they scheduled an appointment for her and when she went they were shut down. No notices, no calls, no nothing!)

So both me and my sister are beyond frustrated and upset because she legit isn't taking care of her health and she will sit around all day in her phone and like not eat anything until one of us comes in the room and asks us to make her something. And that could be HOURS! And no matter how much I tell her to stop fasting she still does it cuz "God told her to" and not to question her faith or relationship with God but...fasting for over a year (or two idk how long at this point) for HOURS every. single. day. when you have a major health issue is ridiculous. I'm sure God didn't want her to maintain it for that long especially one where she doesn't pray or anything. She just like...watches TV and plays on her damn phone so, ma'am!, what kinda fast???

Anyway, I'm digressing.

THE POINT IS I need her to care for herself. Like I NEED her to want to do it for herself. I've said this time and time again, like it's a bad song on repeat at this point, but I cannot take care of her for herself.

I can make her meals but I can't make her eat them. I can sort out her medicines but I can't make her take them. I can see her appointments but I can't make her go to them or tell the truth while at them (a problem I also had with my dad btw. He just would not tell his doctor everything and I would be like, "Are you fr right now???" At one point the doctor just talked directly to me because my dad was acting like everything was fucking fine when it WASN'T!).

And I feel like my mom thinks we're SUPPOSED to care for her because she, and I quote, "did it for [her] mother" and yeah I get that. And honestly, I have no problems doing for my mother, but my grandmother also did for herself. When she needed help she asked for it but she was very much able to tend to her own needs up until the last few years of her life when her health deteriorated to the point where additional assistance was mandatory and we ALL helped then. (I legit flunked out of the second half of my first year of college to help my mom take care of my grandma and I still don't regret it to this day. It was a joy to care for her and to be with her in those last few months of her life.)

But my mom still has a lot of her mobility and functioning and I get that she's tired after nursing three children, two elderly parents, a husband, not to mention her actual nursing job, but I don't like her not trying. Like for HERSELF. It often feels like she's just like, "why do I have to do this when I have daughters?"

And it's like, we won't always be here. I'm here now but what about in the future? I wanna live more! I haven't even done an iota of and iota of what I want to do. And I get it, that's on me. Those are my choices and I accept them but it wouldn't be fair for me to never even try because I have to stay home and build my life around caretaking my mother while she's still relatively young and able bodied. Like if she wasn't then this wouldn't really be a discussion. I would have my frustrations,.for sure, but I would deal with them because I know my mother couldn't do for herself. But knowing that she CAN but just often WON'T??? That's a whole nother thing. A WHOLE nother thing.

I just...

I think about how ppl have repeatedly told me "there's always one that stays behind" meaning there's always a child that stays and takes care of the aging parents. And that one was my mother and I despise that saying for a plethora of reasons but mainly because people say it to me like "give up your dreams, your hopes, your goals because your life is already decided and it's taking care of your mother at the expense of everything else." It makes me bitter. And I don't deserve that. My mother doesn't deserve that.

She deserves to live her old age in peace as comfort and joy. And I deserve to live the last embers of my youth the same.

But how I do that if people are pre-determining my life to be built around someone else? Especially at the expense of the small facet of happiness I managed to eek out for myself? What cruelty!

And I still want children some day. So am I only meant to care for others and leave no care for myself??? Idk the answer to this but what I DO know is, I need my mother to get it together. To care enough about the rest of her life to want to actively live it and not just lie around wasting it away waiting for me or someone to do the very basic of shit for her.

I need her to care enough for herself. I can't do it for the both of us. I just can't. Something will eventually have to give and I fear when that time comes because I'm nto sure of what choice I'll make and I'd hate for it to be me at the risk of harming her. If that makes any sense.

I just want her to care. That's all. Just care about yourself, mommy. Love yourself enough to try. PLEASE! For the love of God, please!

[shankschewtoy]

Hi!

I don't even know how to ask, actually i never made it, so... hi! I'm not from USA so my english is pretty bad, sorry!

The request is pretty personal. I've fighting against tuberculose since april/may this year, and i lose a lot of weight in a small time, what let me with a skinny appearence. Now, i've gain all the weight i lose, and i hope it's my last month of treatment (it's 6 to 12 months). But today, when i went to receive my medication, i saw that i lost 1kg, and that made so sad, like, all my effort to gain weight was like nothing.

Only if you wish to or accept to, i really wanted somenthing with Sanji and fem!reader or gn!reader that is passing trought the same thing at me.

Idk if that follows any rule that u have, but i would be glad. :D

Sanji my beloved 😭💞

a/n - hi hi!! Your English is great so don’t worry! I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been dealing with that, you’re so strong and really amazing for being able to push through!! I believe in you, and I’m gonna send you my best wishes 💜💜\(//∇//)\ Sanji would be there for you at your beck and call, and I just know it :) thank you so much, 🥺💜 keep going! You’ve got this!

Warnings ⚠️ - g/n reader, mentions of sickness, (I’m gonna make this one super happy :)

I love you no matter what <3

- Sanji isn’t a doctor, but he truly tries his very best for you!

- He knows you’re going through something extremely tough, and he feels helpless that he can’t do anything to take your pain for you

- Sanji doesn’t care what the fuck you look like, he only cares about how you feel. How you are doing

- He’ll try his best to help you with gaining weight back, he’ll make your favorite foods whenever you’d like, and he’ll encourage small steps, whatever you’re comfortable with!

- he’s there with you 100% :)

- even if you’re self conscious about your skinny appearance, he will remind you every single day that you’re absolutely perfect in his eyes

- He’ll tell you that so often that you can’t even think about your appearance anymore- 💜

- When you saw that you had lost 1kg again, he didn’t know what to say

- But he was there, holding you in his arms and trying to reassure you that not all hope was lost

- He’d rub your back, and let you talk whenever you needed to. Or if you just needed him to give you hugs, kisses, anything. You didn’t even need to ask him, he’s already doing it :D

- He felt so angry at your illness, why did it have to make you go through it? If given the chance, he’d gladly take your place if it meant you weren’t in pain

- listening to you tell him how your efforts to gain weight were all for nothing shattered his heart, the pieces stabbing his soul

- What was he even supposed to say to that? He didn’t know what to even think..

- He tried to tell you that your efforts weren’t all wasted, and that he’d help with whatever you needed

- (he’ll make you dessert 24/7 if that’s what you want hehe 🥺)

- Anything to make his love happy 💜

- He often stays awake at night and makes sure you’re alright before falling asleep, he always wants to see you fall asleep before he does

- It makes him feel a bit more at ease when you’re relaxed, your features peaceful

- He’ll be with you every step of the way, and he tries his best to encourage you and to support you! Hugs, kisses, sweet compliments, cuddles, and more.

- He hopes that this is your last month of treatment, (he wants to kick tuberculosis’ ass so bad-)

- the one thing he wants in life is for you to be happy

- Content with your life

- To see you smile gives him the life that he never thought he had before he met you

- And to see you happy? Makes his world brighter 💜

a/n - I hope this is what you asked for!! :) Sanji would be there for you 24/7 so don’t you worry! I seriously want to give you a hug so bad, but I won’t if it makes you uncomfortable 😭 thank you so much for requesting, and you got this! 💜💜

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hi I’m so sorry if this is a bother, but I have a sex question.

I’m a 16 year old trans guy, pre t, if that is at all relevant (since I know everything is kinda fucky at this age and whatnot), and I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year now, everything is totally normal and fine there, but whenever we have sex and I’m the one being penetrated, I can’t feel anything. It’s not that it hurts or feels weird, usually, I just don’t feel anything at all. Idk if that’s actually that strange, but the weird(er) part is that I feel plenty when I’m masturbating. Idk what could cause me to have feeling when masturbating but not when having sex.

We’re very careful when it comes to safety and each other’s comfort, and we’ve tried a few different things, so it’s not that my boyfriend is doing anything wrong, I just can’t feel anything.

Is that a thing or am I just unlucky? It’s not a big deal or anything, I’m just curious since I haven’t been able to find anything about this in all of my googling. I hope you have a wonderful day, once again, I’m so sorry if this is a bother.

howdy anon,

I appreciate you specifying that there's a different between partnered sex and masturbation; in this case that is extremely relevant information! if anything I wish you'd told me more - for instance, are you penetrating yourself when you masturbate, or doing something else entirely?

the fact that you do experience sexual sensation in some circumstances makes me assume that there's not a physical problem here, although as always I should remind you and everyone that I'm Not A Doctor and no one should take this as sacred medical truth. but, broadly speaking, I think we can rule out you having a flat-out broken vagina.

the reason I wonder about your masturbation practices (as well as what, if anything, else your boyfriend is doing during sex) is because the vagina is Not a particularly sensitive sex organ - there's a reason that the vast majority of people who have them don't orgasm from vaginal penetration alone! and yes, I know - orgasms aren't a definitive measure of sexual satisfaction and shouldn't be thought of as such, but it's still telling that in some surveys over 90% of participants report that they require stimulation of other body parts to finish. the clitoris is obviously a popular (and extremely sensitive) choice, but the body is covered with nerve endings - get creative!

on that note, if you do penetration while masturbating I'd recommend starting by showing your boyfriend exactly what feels good when you masturbate and having him replicate that - a fun experiment and learning experience for both of you! and if that goes nowhere, listen - it's okay! nothing is fun for everybody. I have a friend who spent years feeling weird because their clitoris wasn't particularly sensitive, despite every source of sexual info on earth claiming that it's an instant gratification orgasm button that should be central to the sex life of everyone who has one. fuck that; what matters is that they know what does feel good for them.

maybe partnered penetration will never feel awesome for you, but it's up to you to decide what your relationship with it will be. maybe it's something you do because you enjoy getting your partner off that way! maybe it will be something that you phase out of your sex life if it's not serving the purpose you want it to! it's your body, and up to you to decide what you want your sex life to look like <3

[rydrake6]

hi can I ask you a question about your experience with getting a depo shot? fellow trans masc starting T soon who also got a depo shot

Sure thing dude! The main reason why I got the depo shot was to stop my periods because I just didn't want to have them anymore. So the day I went to go get the depo shot, I was on my period. Because I think you have to be on your period when you get it to stop it or something? Idk I don't really remember that well. They had me pull my pants down and they gave me the shot in my butt. I remember that I felt kind of different immediately. Like my mood dropped or something. And around the time afterwards, I went into this kind of depressive state. I may or may not have also had some suicidal thoughts. It concerned my mom, so she canceled my appointment for my next shot. So that shot back in February last year was the only one I got. For about a month or two after the injection, I still kind of had a period. Then after a while, they stopped. I still occasionally had some spotting, but other than that, no periods. It's been roughly a year after that shot and I still haven't had one, so suffice to say that it did its job.

It actually made me kind of concerned at one point because, while I love not having to deal with periods, I was worried that there might have been some health problems caused by the shot or me not having periods or something. So I got some blood tests and an ultrasound done, and there was nothing wrong.

If I were you, I wouldn't expect the results I got from the shot. It probably can stop your periods if that's what you're going for, but one shot probably won't stop them for like an entire year like it did for me. I think my situation with that is kind of a freak thing that may or may not be caused by me being super sensitive to medication, which may or may not be due to the fact that I'm autistic.

If the reason why you got the depo shot is for birth control, I can't speak on whether or not it was effective for me because I haven't really been using that in that way.

But anyways, you might end up experiencing some mood changes. I can't say for certain whether or not the shot will stop your periods, because I've seen varying stories from other trans guys on the shot. Sometimes their periods stop, sometimes they get even worse. Sometimes nothing really changes. You might want to talk to your doctor about the specifics of side effects and whatnot because I'm not really a medical professional.

Anyways, TL;DR: I got the depo shot to stop my periods, got depressed immediately for a while, and I haven't had a period for like a year after like one shot. For more information, talk to your doctor. I hope this helped a little bit!

[dopaminergicaddictions]

I woke up at 2:30. I'm at thr glass place now. I can't wait to have a new Windshield. The astigmatism will disappear. It won't be covered in nicotine anymore. It's going to be wonderful.

I'm here about 30 minutes early. They said it takes anywhere between 1 hour and 1 hour and 30 minutes. My appointment was at 4 and they close at 5 so I wanted to get here early.

I'm thankful for the ability to take the higher dose when my circadian rhythm gets in the way. I still have to consider getting a psychiatrist tbh... cause my doctor won't go up. And I have a feeling Xanax is going to be forever.

I have to reschedule my medical marijuana renewal as I don't see the point in spending 75$ on a renewal I can't use for at least 2 more weeks. I guess you're considered a renewal for 60 days after you expire so that a good thing. I expire tomorrow.

I still have to deal with Mike I canceled for today but Erin will be out next week so I scheduled him for Friday. I'll see Erin Monday, Danielle Tuesday and him Friday. I do have to talk to him about it though.

I'm still hallucinating. Nothing has changed. So I mean I guess my brain is broken forever. I have deemed this my first episode... everytime i hallucinated on the thc pills short term was just hallucinating...

July 28th to July 29th wasn't even 24 hours... it started somewhere between 9-11 pm on the 28th and ended on the 29th somewhere between 2-5 p.m. it wasn't even a full 24 hours. The only good new is usually people can recover from their first episode psychosis. I don't thinkna stretch of under 24 hours is considered psychosis.

I am losing hope that it will stop.. I only have roughly 14 more days.... my Dr recommended holistic medicine... not covered by insurance as I won't consider antipsychotics... Erin wants me to talk to a herbal healer... like I can afford any of this. So yea. I'm starting to looking up how to lower dopamine in the brain naturally... and it's kinda a let down... exercise! I can't even walk back and forth to my car without developing a rash and a cysts........ no nicotine... yes right.... let's just cope with hallucinating by doing meth then right? Cause I need a vice... no sugar... yes right.. let's spend all my money on things without sugar and not drink or eat anything I enjoy.... I don't have as much sugar as you'd think.. it's really just in my juice ans red bull.

I guess it's just going to have to be natural. I have control over my mental images now almost entirely... so I mean there is that. They aren't sexual even though psychosis really tries to male me see the creature with hair and see genitals. It doesn't really work anymore cause I can change it. I know mental images get really effected from psychosis.

I'm worried that even though I know it's psychosis, that my brain can't heal naturally. Everyone needs to do drugs....like I've joined all these groups asking if anyone healed from it naturally and no one responds... it's like everyone hears the voice ot goes catatonic and just takes drugs. If I didn't have the knowledge i do I would have probably taken drugs but I have too much knowledge of them. In the group I was reading some people posts and the a lot of people were talking about latuda... I read about it. It's fucked. The side effects and all that. It really will ruin a person.

So this is like day 117 or something. Idk I'd my brain will ever re-regulate.... all I know is supposedly you can heal from psychosis.

I keep seeing this mental images of a pink brain with blackened connections. 2 weeks ago the blackened wires were like the size of a soda can bottom just square shaped. Today it's like the size of a red bull can but square shaped. I feel like my brain is trying to tell me it's getting more Nirmal... idk. I kinda expect to be like this for life.

[issdisgrace]

Hey I saw your requests were open so for the 141 maybe + König if it's not a problem were the reader joins or works with them. His job is like 47 being a hitman. I don't have any idea if they wanted to work with him or not. Because the reader works with them he must be also very skilled in taking down any of them even killing he could do. So he could say taking down Ghost is easy for him. Maybe they get to be friends in a non working scenario. Just what I think would be interesting.

141'S HITMAN "FRIEND"

WARNINGS: None for the most part but it gets sexual at the end

A/N: So I started writing this and idk it definitely not what I was expecting to end up writing but I hope you guys enough.

You met the team while they were on a search and destroy. They were coming into the compound as you were leaving after killing your target, which just happened to be there’s as well. To say things got a little mess was an understatement. Everyone left with some sort of injury but nothing life threatening. You got away with a couple of scratches and bruises, doing far better than them.

A couple months later, you ran into them once again on a search and destroy mission. This time, things went a little more smoothly, just a little. There was still a fight like last time, but everyone came out with fewer injuries than the last time.

These meeting and fighting went on for 3 years. Until one fateful day. The team had been in the admits of a recon mission that went terribly wrong. You also happened to be there for a hit. You took down enemy after enemy alongside the team to sacrifice the chance to get your guy.

During the fight, Price was hit and hit badly. He need medical attention soon or he would bleed out. None of the 141 was capable of dealing with such a serious injury. With the obvious training and expertise in how to sew some back up. You took the job.

As the members of the 141 protecting you and the captain from any enemies. As any smart hitman, you carry a first aid kit, albeit small, considering you don’t often get hurt. You manage to get the bullet out and stitch the Captain up. After it’s all clear, you disappear back into the night that you came from. Leaving the team very grateful but also confused why you would help them, let alone save their captain.

It wasn’t until a year later that your paths crossed once again. This time was different. They came across you at the bar they went to get drinks at together. Price walked to where you were seated, followed by the others, and thanked you for saving him. He offered to buy you a drink. But you declined wanting something different. Him and his team.

It would be a lie to say they were shocked that you wanted them. You, this good looking, well-trained hitman for hire, wanted all of them. Not one of them, but all. It would be another lie to say that they weren’t attracted to you even in the slightest despite all the scuffles you guys got into.

I will let your imaginations run wild about what happened next because we all know what happened. This meeting was the beginning of a long friends with benefits relationship which turned into more much.

[hetalea]

Words thrown into the void

Pretty sure it's been a few years since I've used this account and I doubt anyone's gonna see this but regardless of if sb sees it or not it doesn't matter

I've been holding a lot of things in recently that I feel the need to share but I'm not ready to verbalize yet so I feel like this blog is a good compromise because I share my words but not really probably since it's unlikely anyone's gonna see it and in any case I stay anonymous, so I might use it as a diary of sorts for the time being

I'm a medical resident in my very last few months of residency before becoming a GP I've been in therapy for 3 years following a depressive episode in the beginning of my residency related to anxiety and confidence issues

I'd been doing better these past few months but I feel like these days it's getting worse again, idk if it's the stress of finishing residency or due to other factors or even coincidental

I feel like my anxiety levels have spiked significantly in the last few weeks, I'm easily overwhelmed if I have to deal with too many things at once, I get angry extremely easily, I feel like crying after consults that I feel like I didn't handle in a satisfactory manner....

Thing is therapy, that used to help, feels more like a work meeting than actual therapy for me these days, I've been pretty happy with my therapist so far, she takes time to listen to my concerns, she gives good insights. Problem is these days our sessions feel more like the kind of meeting you'd have in a ward discussing patients than sessions to actually help me better myself. My main concern these days is that because my stress is so high and thus I get angry so easily sometimes I'm short or even bitchy with my patients, or they'll have so many complains in one consult that get overwhelmed, freeze, overlook stuff, switch to my "act in panic first then think later" mode,...thing is because of all of that I've been feeling extremely guilty for not treating my patients like I should or not delivering adequate care... thus I've been trying to talk to my therapist about that in past sessions, hoping to have some advice on how to manage myself so I can keep it together at least for the duration of the consult so I can act properly and professionally as I should, I've even asked her in the past about starting cognitive behavioral therapy which she agreed was a good idea and that we could do it but then it didn't happen. And now when I try to adress how inadequate I think my behavior is and how guilty I feel about it what happens is I get a course on the different types of postures a patient can adopt faced with their physician and which ones are pathological or not and we discuss cases we've each had where I get to vent about consults that frustrated me, but I get no actual advice on how to manage my stress when I feel myself becomming this short and bitchy and panicky over nothing during my consults...and I'm afraid soon she'll tell me we don't need sessions anymore, leaving me without anybody to help me get my shit together, because in our most recent sessions she's been remarking that I've become more confident than when we started our sessions, which is true but I still feel like I still have very flawed patterns of behaviors that I need to get rid of

I finish my residency in two months and then I'll have to work by myself without the safety net of having a supervisor in case of a freak out and that terrifies me and I don't know if I'm ready for it

My current supervisor seems satisfied with my work and even suggested several times he would like it if I could come sub-in for him during his vacations after I finish, which reassures me a bit because it at least means that even if I'm feeling inadequate I'm at least not a complete health hazard or danger to society but I feel like I can't be a proper doctor before I finish to deal with my shit and I fear my lack of confidence might make me a danger to my patients. Problem is, my anxiety won't magically disappear in two months, and I'll still have to work if I don't wanna starve

Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but I feel close to a breaking point. I had a week off in july and I had hoped that this would relieve my stress but doesn't feel like it has. I've taken up meditation again and forced myself to go back to the gym but I don't even feel the benefits that I used to feel from that

Maybe I'm just really tired; probably the fact that this whole month I've been working full time instead of my usual part time (since my supervisor at my other part-time place was in vacation) in a clinic that is very particular didn't help, I feel like it did burn me out a little but going back to my usual schedule for the past two weeks hasn't helped much yet, I feel instead that I brought all the stress-induced bad habits I've picked up from the clinic into my other location instead of becoming more balanced

Anyway, should probably try to go eat a proper meal and sleep early tonight so I have at least part of my life in order

[kyunsies]

MÄDCH!!!!!!!

Hello hello - it has taken me a while to reply because it has been a public holiday where I am for a while now but I am here back at work again today. How has the start of your week been? It is grey and rainy over here.

Are you managing to find more time for yourself after all your hard work? I am always here for whatever you need and I'm always rooting for you! I'm so glad you feel optimistic about how the interviews went - hopefully you can just feel like you can now let go about worrying or overthinking about your next steps because things will just unfold for you. like, now you have done all the hard work you can reap the rewards!

Treatment has been good so far, I'm feeling happier or more optimistic but i started a new program today so we will see how it goes i guess? so one that can help me be healthier in the long run? instead of like crashing and constantly feeling like i am struggling? i hope it will get better anyway... and this is a quieter time for my sector i reckon also which is helpful :)

KPOPFLEX was awesome and it was SO BIG but the organisation had me worried for some people because it was so hot and there really wasnt a lot of shade or anything like that? How is the babysitting going tho? Are you managing to enjoy it or do you just find it ok to pass the time? When's your Nclex exam? OMG also how are you feeling about how the MX renewals are going?

Sending all the love <3 <3

- 💥

angel !!!! SO SORRY THIS IS LATE i've been pretty busy lately :') did you have a good week? are you going to be able to rest for the weekend? also don't worry about not getting back okay you just take your time whenever you can <3

honestly i only had the first couple weeks of may to really chill but honestly between you and me i've been quite stressed lately sldkfjs as i said i'm working to make some money in between this really weird period of time bc i am not yet hired yet LOL ; also this board exam i'm preparing for is stressing me out bc i had to register for the exam but they needed background checks from me since i'm out of state before they can give me the "green light" to take the exam and it's all just stressing me out LOL not to mention looking ofr apartments and stuff :') so ,,,,, no i am not relaxing LOL

about your new program and treatment !!! i really am so happy that you are feeling the results <3 a lot of the times, when ppl notice that their medication or training is working and they start feeling better mentally, the most common things to happen is that ppl start to neglect treatment and forget about it since they feel that they don't need it anymore, which can result in a lot of rebound throughts and behaviors, so i'm really happy it's working for you and i am hoping u stick with it for a long time <3 it's all trial and error and a good program will put your needs first :)

LSKDJF I ALMOST FORGOT KPOP FLEX WAS OUTSIDE SLDKFJ wow it feels like the venue wasn't ready for u guys ;____; i hope no one passed out !! but the babysitting is going alright !! some days she's good for me, others not so good lol, she's only 4 months old so they're supposed to sleep a lot but she only takes like two 30 min naps sometimes which is frustrating sldkfjd so but it could be a lot worse i can't complain! ALSO as i said i don't know when i take my NCLEX exam since they haven't given me the "green light" to take it but hopefully everything will be all set very soon, i just wanna take it and be done w it so all i have to worry about is working and moving ;____; also about the contracts !!!!! honestly forgot about that lol i think ppl are making a really big deal over nothing idk that's just me tho ;____; and everyone is like "this tour feels different something is up" and im like ??? the concert was amazing and everything felt perfect idk what you're talking about lol !!!!!!!!!!!! so yea, it is what it is right now i think :')

[alters-journal]

We keep being recommended that hyena person and we interacted (negatively) with one of their posts.

Are they a common sight? Is everyone dealing with hyena person?

Here's the short answer: Hyena m8 is someone who is going to go after you if you don't block them first. I sincerely hope your negative interaction was just calling out BS on their page and not harassment as that is not condoned or supported on this page. /nm

Here's the long answer:

Heads Up: Idk anyone's pronouns so everyone is referred to as They/Them. CW: Harassment, All Threats, Doxxing and Sexual Situations Involving those Under 18,

Little Mx. Hyena person is an "alter" from Queer Atusim's system. I'm not qualified to say whether or not QA is actually a system or not (though I have opinions and if we wanna talk opinions someone can send an ask on my opinion on the situation). QA is a "pro-endo" which essentially means they believe you can be a system (trauma response/disorder) without trauma. Endos want to de-medicalize systemhood all together and that in and of itself is dangerous.

QA started off being anti-psyche and anti-recovery and encouraged people to stop seeing doctors, therapists, etc. for their conditions. Sometimes they would get called out on this BS. At some point along the line they either discovered a legitimate system or decided it would be cool and fun to roll play. Which it was I'm not qualified to say.

Naturally after becoming such a pro-endo system they got into syscourse. They originally just made posts bashing people who believe a medical disorder should stay a medical disorder. Honestly, syscourse shouldn't even be a debate and I'm pissed off the internet lets it keep going.

The Anti-Endo (educated) community decided it would be funny (and it was) to in turn, retaliate against the misinformation being spread by the pro-endo community. One of their leaders being Queer Autism.

Queer Autism, instead of just being normal and blocking people, retaliated against the Anti-Endos with verbal harassment in DMS, Asks and on posts.

Queer ADHD was another blog involved and was very supportive of Queer Autism. Queer ADHD was objectively more harmful than Queer Autism. ADHD was found reblogging posts of minors and making sexual suggestions and innuendos on said posts.

Autism continued to harass the anti-endos who retaliated against those who were like "Can you PLEASE leave us victims of severe childhood trauma alone? Like fr can you please leave this space. It was not meant for you." Autism did not leave the space that was never theirs to begin with. Autism just continued to harass and support harassment.

About a month ago (of posting this) there was a very large threat of being doxxed if you were anti-endo. I thankfully was not doxxed but MANY systems were. Autism was suspected to be (one of) the doxxer(s) though that was never confirmed true or false. Regardless, someone who was in support of Queer Autism (if it wasn't them) was doxxing people and Autism KNEW that it was one of their supporters but said nothing. Not even a PSA or short post from them not condoning the doxxer's behaviour. Their silence on the situation was deafening. One minor who had to escape an abuser was doxxed, said abuser was able to find them after being doxxed.

In addition to being doxxed Autism's supporters were sending disgusting messages to people in anons. Many of these messages were saying things like "you deserve your trauma", or "I hope you get r*ped/Be*t/K*dn*pped/ etc." These people were also using racial slurs at known systems of colour. What makes this situation even worse is most of their targets were minors.

Of course, the Anti-Endos who were adults stepped up to defend systems who were minors. This resulted in Queer Autism getting a LOT of backlash. Clearly this made them very angry. Angry enough to create a new blog. The entire purpose of the blog is to verbally harass people (probably mostly minors) over the internet. They also state in their main post that they'll be breaking people's DNIs because they just don't care. It says something else in the pinned but I'm pretty sure they're looking at NO ONE's DNI.

With Autism's past this Hyena blog is dangerous. I mean, I hate to say it but, this blog is probably going to cause some serious physical harm to people.

My theory about this blog is that some poor minor somewhere is going to get it int heir head that they will be able to change the ideals of this lost cause and only get hurt in the process. Whether this leads to relapse in bad coping mechanism or dare I say the loss of a life I don't know but it really shouldn't come to that. Why do I think this will happen? Because I was a minor at one point who thought I could change lost causes over the internet. There's bound to be someone else out there who falls victim to this.

Overall; Hyena is just down right dangerous. Please, DO NOT INTERACT with them. Block them as fast as you can. Queer Autism and their system is a total lost cause. DO NOT engage in any syscourse with them. They have the suspected potential to be able to doxx you. At the very least they'll harass you continuously.

To Reiterate: DO NOT ENGAGE WITH THESE BLOGS! BLOCK THEM! Your Safety could be potentially at risk!