#idk if i should properly tag him or not but he's going to reblog anyway

[faustzomby]

I locked them in my attic and didn't let them out until they filled out this sheet. Enjoy

[ryuryuryuyurboat]

"guess you fell for me, huh?"

synopsis: you accidentally catch a (cute) stranger who fell off a hill. what do you do?

genre: fluff, crack(??)

characters: lyney x gn! reader, adventurer! reader

warnings: usage of french (feminine) terms of endearment (translation at bottom), first meeting, reader is referred to in second person, i think i made lyney a bit ooc, not proofread

a/n: inspired by my darling housemate tripping over her own foot and going "i think i fell for you" without missing a beat to the other housemate that caught her. idk how the physics works for falling off a hill into someone's arms (the impact should be enough to at least give you some bruises i think) but we shall assume plot armour LMAO likes, reblogs and comments highly appreciated!!

©2023 ryuryuryuyurboat. do not repost, translate, plagiarise, or modify in any way, shape or form.

masterlist

it was supposed to be a normal day for you. emphasis on “normal”. you had meant to complete your commissions, collect your payment, and spend the rest of the day in your residence. sleeping. and snacking.

you stare down at the ash-blonde (a terribly cute one too, mind you) in your arms bridal-style, who is currently grinning up at you. archons, that grin…

“are you alright?” you ask, checking him for injuries. anyone would be equally concerned if someone dropped into their arms from the sky.

“i’m alright now that i’ve met you, ma belle*.” the absolute gall this man has, sending you a wink like that. you feel your cheeks warm. low standards, sure, but the way he said it was just too charismatic! 

“a-anyway, i’m glad you’re not hurt. what even happened?” you place him down, making sure he was standing properly before letting go.

“ah, well, it’s a little embarrassing…” he rubs his neck, looking away. “i was, uh, trying to collect marcottes, and as you know, it just rained not long ago, and, uh, i may or may not have slipped. and fell.” he gestures vaguely at the hill behind you. 

“ah.” is the only thing you say in reply.

“i have to say, if not for you, ma chère*, today would have ended very differently for me,” that silly little grin is back on his face. “please, allow me, the greatest magician lyney, to treat you to dinner tonight as sincere thanks for being my saviour.” he takes your hand in his, kisses its back, his eyes trained on yours all the while.

you finally can’t resist the urge. “i guess you really fell for me, huh?” 

lyney stalls, a shine in his periwinkle eyes, and you take the time to admire his features even more. he may have fallen into your arms, but it seemed as though you were the one who fell hard.

*translations: ma belle = "my beauty"; ma chère = "my dear". both terms can be taken as the equivalent of "sweetheart" or "darling" in english!

tags: @diorlumx, @i23kazu (send ask if you want to be tagged in future works!)

if you liked this, do consider dropping me a follow for more :>

[ween-kitchens]

well, who’d have thought? (ch. 1)

this is an impulsive thing I wrote, who knows if i’ll actually finish it, but here you are  this is like a scarian fake dating au thing idk what to call it

will tag as #well who’d have thought (scarian) 

(please reblog! likes don’t do anything)

when scar woke up that day, he did not expect to have grian leaning directly over him. and yet, here he is, inches away from his face.

scar gives a little scream of surprise and almost falls out of his bed.

“oh, goodness, grian!” he says as grian takes a step back, laughing. “you can’t spook me like that!”

“sorry, sorry.” grian grins. “i just need to ask you.. ah, a favour.”

scar frowns, immediately suspicious. “I don’t like how you said that.”

grian shifts his weight from foot to foot. that’s not a good sign. “well, I may have.. something to prove, and it might, maybe, sort of include you.”

scar sits up, leaning against his pillows, and crosses his arms. “okay, how does it include me?”

“so, I was talking to pearl earlier, and she was saying how she’s surprised.. um. that we’re not together.” grian starts fiddling with the cuffs of his jumper sleeves. “and I asked why, and she said that she thought I might be scared to ask you out, which is why we’re not dating.”

scar’s face is a little pink. admittedly, he’s heard rumours about him and grian liking each other, but they don’t! not in that way, anyway. they’re friends, that’s all.

“and I.. well, I got defensive-“

“of course you did.”

“-and I said I wasn’t scared to ask you out, and before I could say why she said ‘well if you’re not scared then go ask him’.” grian explains, sheepishly. “and..”

“and here you are.” scar sighs. “grian, can I just say, you are an idiot sometimes.”

“yeah..” grian chuckles.

“so your pride is wounded, and you want me to.. what, exactly?” scar asks.

grian blushes embarrassedly. “um. could we.. pretend to date? just for a little bit?”

scar blinks. then he sighs again and nods, resignedly. “sure.”

“really?” grian’s wings puffs up excitedly.

“take the yes before I wake up properly.” scar chuckles. “so how are we going to go about doing this?”

“ah.” grian says. “I hadn’t thought that far ahead.”

“okay, you go and tell pearl you did it, i’ll get ready and we can figure it out in about an hour.” scar says.

“good plan.” grian says. “thank you.”

“anytime.” scar says and watches grian fly out the door.

-

“so, I made a list.”

grian comes back to scar’s base to find him holding a book and quill, looking proud of himself.

“a list?” grian asks.

“of stuff to convince people we’re actually dating.” scar says. “I put a box next to all of them, so you can tick the ones you’re comfortable doing and leave the stuff you’re not.”

grian is slightly taken aback at how seriously scar’s taking this. it’s sweet of him, he thinks, to be doing this all just because grian wanted to prove a point.

“are you comfortable with all this?” grian asks, taking the book and quill from scar.

scar nods. “there’s not a lot in there.”

holding hands ✔️

pet names ✔️

hugs ✔️

kisses (on cheek/nose/etc) ✔️

kisses (on lips) ✔️

flirting ✔️

lap sitting ✔️

bragging about ‘relationship’ to other hermits ✔️✔️

“is this all in public then or just when pearl’s around?” scar asks, taking the book back and laughing at the multiple ticks on the last one.

“I mean, it’d be more believable if other people saw it, right?” grian says.

“good point.” scar says. “okay, what should we do now?”

“well, we should tell someone trustworthy that it’s fake.” grian suggests. “so we don’t have to pretend around them.”

“who do you think?” scar asks.

“maybe cleo?” grian says. “she was on all the life games, and that’s kinda where pearl got the idea that we like each other.”

“she wasn’t even on 3rd life.” scar says. “arguably that was the most homoerotic time.”

grian snorts. “don’t say it like that.”

“what? it was!” scar laughs. “‘you may slay me and take the enchanter’ and you didn’t!”

“god, you were so dramatic then.” grian says.

“says the man who came flying in from the treetops yelling ‘traitor!!’ when I killed you.” scar points out. “and, not only did you not kill me when I said you could, you made the cactus ring! that’s the most dramatic thing you could have done.”

“okay, we were both dramatic.” grian admits. “so you agree on telling cleo?”

“sure.” scar shrugs. “pearl probably told her that we’re dating anyway.”

grian frowns. “why would she?”

“did you not hear the rumours? everyone thinks we like each other, and some think we’re actually dating.” scar grins. “they resurface every life game.”

grian’s eyes widen. “you’re kidding.”

“nope.” scar says.

“oh my god, that must be why pearl thought we liked each other.” grian realises.

“I can’t believe you didn’t know.” scar says. “i’ve been asked at least 10 times since double life if we’re together.”

grian jumps to his feet, startling scar in the process. “we need to go to cleo now.”

“why?” scar grabs his cane and stands up too.

“I need to know just how many people think we’re together.” grian says.

-

“you weren’t already dating?” is cleo’s idea of an adequate response.

“still technically aren’t.” grian says, frowning. “are you telling me that almost everyone here thinks we’re together? including you, until just now?”

“yes.” cleo shrugs. “well, come on, you two were attached at the hip on 3rd life, acted like divorcees on last life, and when grian went after bigb on double life, scar went around saying he was cheating on him.”

“alright, I can understand why it looks like that.” grian says. “but- but that’s not even why we’re here!”

“we’re here to ask you to help us.” scar cuts across.

“help you?”

“well, we don’t really know what we’re doing.” scar grins. “after, like, a week we’re gonna tell everyone this was a prank, but for the time being, we need some help.”

“what kind of help?” cleo asks.

“like, what do couples do?” scar says.

“I mean, you spent 30 seconds with jimmy and tango, didn’t you?” cleo jokes. “I don’t know, just do what feels natural.” she shrugs. “if you’re trying to fool everyone, go places that a lot of people visit, like the shopping district.”

“that’s a good idea.” scar nudges grian.

“we can just kiss in a tree.” grian jokes. “that’ll do it.”

“i’d pay money to see that.” cleo says.

“thank you cleo, we’ll see you later!” scar grabs grian’s hand and pulls him along, shooting a rocket. “to the shopping district!”

[yaz-the-spaz]

ahem. ziam fam may i have your attention please!

so this is apparently the shop where liam’s gotten his most recent rings from (the mickey mouse skull ring and winged gem ring)

[x]

and i’m currently laughing my gay ass off y’all cause not only does basically everything on their website LOOK like exactly zayn’s style...it LITERALLY IS ZAYN’S STYLE (reference pics below) and that’s ON TOP of the fact that they also sell the anatomical heart necklace that liam was wearing recently and the eye rings (which they point out are each made unique and which is why i need an hq pic of liam’s asap so i can compare it to zayn’s properly to see if it really is the same one lol, not that it really matters anyway cause it’s still similar enough and a big enough coincidence, that they’ve both worn them, to leave everyone 👀)

anyway onto the pics!

liam in the mickey mouse skull ring and winged gem ring:

mouse skull ring

winged gem ring (which is also available in onyx like liam’s and can be seen in a closer up/better quality pic here)

some of their eye rings

both liam and zayn wearing brown eye rings (update: partial credit to @81sziam on twitter whose post i got the pics from, they also have a tumblr which that link is to, so go check them out and give ‘em a follow if you don’t already! however all original credit goes to @ziamminds who those pics originally came from, and who you should def go give a follow too if you don’t already!)

(eta: forgot to point all the similarities/coincidences in the fact that not only are they both horizontal - as opposed to vertical like is also an option - and appear to be the exact same shade of brown, but if those lines going through liam’s are in fact just a glare/shadow/result of weird lighting like i suspect they might be then i think it’s pretty safe to say it’s probably the same exact ring which he also just so happens to be wearing on his ring finger aka the same finger that has the 4 tattoo on it while he was supposed to be stunting with maya lol if that ain’t a giant bat signal idk what is 😏)

[putting the rest under a read more cause this got wayyyy long as usual]

anatomical heart necklace

liam in said necklace (second one’s a bit closer up for better viewing)

(update: i’ve since learned the pic of zayn that was formerly included here where he was wearing their indian chief ring is actually a manip and it wasn’t his hands nor his rings...sorry for the misinformation but just wanted to be forthcoming)

anyway...

zayn with a ring that looks very similar to their stone signet ring 

(although keep in mind that since most of these pics of him are older it’s possible that there’s even more he’s worn from them that they don’t sell anymore or that what’s in their store right now might be a slightly different style than what he’s wearing in pics but still looks pretty similar enough that i felt it deserved to be included)

it’s hard to tell for certain from the quality of the pics for these next couple but one of the bracelets (third one down) in this pic looked a lot like their small skull bracelet

i know people have also always speculated that that chainlink bracelet was a cartier one but after looking around this website i wondered if it’s also possible it’s their shackle bracelet...might not be since the shape/style of the chainlinks/shackles looks a little different on zayn’s but just throwing it out there as a possibility

and the middle one here definitely looks like their black woven bracelet (which is possibly also in that first pic of zayn above but it’s easier to see in these pics since they’re more hq and not in black and white) 

and this looks a helluva a lot like their thick link bracelet

there’s also these plain bands that we’ve seen zayn in a lot over the years

(he’s wearing one in that first black and white pic above too but here’s another one)

and last but not least this plain gold ring that i feel like i vaguely remembered liam wearing (or at least something similar/resembling it?) sometime back in like 2017 or so but for the life of me i can’t seem to find a pic of him in it even though i’m sure i reblogged it and tagged it

(edit: nvm i was remembering wrong, it was a similar-looking but different ring, the face had a design on it instead of being plain like this one)

but anyway here’s a (quite old now) pic of zayn in one that looks a lot like it, funnily enough from the night changes video lol

(also side note but the guy on their pendants page has some tattoos that look very similar to harry’s lol and harry’s rose ring looks to be from there too so #ot5 for the win)

(another update: just found out louis also follows the shop on IG and is believed to have bought the rose ring from them for harry years ago so yeah...definitely ot5 for the win, man do i love coincidences lol)

anyway feel free to browse around their website and see for yourselves and if anyone else notices any other good similarities/comparisons let me know and i will update this post!

[janiedean]

@nederys all of you guys kinda lost your shit but i don't think you're being consistent at all. you didn't go for it being misinformed or wrongly placed, just that it was "gross" bc it was "romanticizing" blabla, like if someone made a fic about ETA terrorists or whatever and i advocated censorship and asked for it not to exist. when you accept kink and RPF, you need to stand on that principle even when it's YOUR personal/national. shaming ppl into submission is the anti strategy and it doesnt actually convince anybody of anything, much literally if it's screaming in another language to the OPs. i didnt wanna reblog or anything but i was very unpleasantly surprised with how you guys handled the situation (and i say this bc i care and i know you value rationality, not to piss you off YOUR personal/national sensibility like if someone wants to write a fic 'romanticizing' tec bundy murders or a rape fantasy or whatever it's their field day just tag it properly, it's no different for a criminal organization as i see it. a piece of sexual fantasy or literary work is not a guarantee it's portrayed in an accurate way or that it's a moral endorsementj + I'll hear your argument on 'positive representation' so i'll take your word for now but it did really come of like "your evil porn is romanticizing evil irl so it should be censored". as for the bad taste etc thing - as long as the person in question doesn't find out i dont personally see the harm. other ppl getting second-handed distastefulness/offense about it is a slippery slope, bc again that quickly devolves into "ugh why you write about rape! / rpf! if you can write kink porn and you can do rpf (like i mean, what, we just tweak the hair color and the initials to make it 'fictional'?) - it follows you can write "distasteful" kink porn about rpf all you want. it's still fiction.okay in order

In order:

as I said in the other reply, people lost their shit because we’ve had this discussion for years and every time it happens SOMEONE (most likely american but not necessarily) shows yup informing us that since mafia in US english means generally organized crime and not THAT specific organized crime we need to chill and WHO CARES YOU’RE OVERREACTING. at some point there’s a limit to how much nice you can be when you’ve been trying nicely for years and people just dismiss you most likely also because you’re not poc enough to complain - again, when it happens with people who can fall into the POC definition doing this kinda stuff automatically means you’re racist, but with us it’s not even disrespectful? or recognized as potentially harmful? fine, we lost our shit, but it’s also not the first time it happens;

the point isn’t that they were making a fic about the mafia, but if we take the ETA terrorism similitude, it wasn’t ‘making a fic abut ETA’. it was, ‘we are making an RPF fic where we take a real living spanish actor who has a friend who died during an ETA bombing and we make him the commander of an ETA faction which plants a bomb in madrid’. I’d find it distasteful if it was about FICTIONAL CHARACTERS, but whatevr - it’s fictional. real people who are actually involved with those criminals on the other side? not so cool. and the fact that these people see nothing wrong with casting them as criminals for *the mafia* shows they have no idea of what they’re talking about and again, with fictional people you can try to ignore it (even if it irks me also because 90% of the time it shows a total failure of understanding the character just by casting them as mafiosi but never mind that’s my pet peeve), but real ones? who made a pro lgbt movie and are *allies* when a mafia killing actually was what kickstarted the creation of the hugest and first anti-homophobia/pro-gay lgbtq association in italy? like. that’s fucking with real people and honestly if I was the director and knew I’d feel personally slandered especially if I come from someplace where statistically everyone knows someone who’s been hurt by the mafia in the last fifty years if they weren’t themselves. like I had a friend whose father worked for the police and the antimafia division especially and lived in palermo back in the day and criminals did try to grab her out of her pre-school and they had to change cities VERY quickly after that, and I don’t even live in sicily. and she’s not even sicilian. it was twenty years ago when they planted bombs across the entire area and killed hundreds of people just in the 90s (comprehensive list). it’s not just WRITING FIC ABOUT THE MAFIA, which I could be relatively handwaving with if it was about fictional people and even then it irks me to hell and back, but real people? who make movies pro things that the mafia hates? really? and I have to hear ‘are you angry because you’re homophobes’? I don’t ask for it NOT TO EXIST, I’m asking a basic modicum of decency.

ted bundy vs mafia: ted bundy is ONE person and he’s been convicted and whatever. if someone’s personal fantasy is fucking ted bundy WHATEVER their problem. if THEY want to do the self-insert with real criminals whatever, idgi but if they’re aware of the implications whatever. the mafia is a bunch of people and they thrive on positive media representation and it’s such large scale that it fucks with this entire country on multiple levels (ad also other countries) and here you’re not using real criminals, you’re casting as criminals people who most likely have been hurt by that same organization. it’s a difference. and if you portray it as a nice organization where hey you help people bypassing the law and gay people are accepted it’s... just... not how it works.

rpf: I’m generally pro rpf as long as people don’t go to the actual real people and don’t harass them irl (which would make a lot of rpf shippers inappropriate) but like... idk if you were around in spn fandom at the time of the infamous j2 haiti fic, but if you weren’t, tldr: person sees the aftermath of the haiti earthquake on tv, thinks ‘well that’d make a perfect setting for my j2 bigbang fic’, writes an entire fic where jared and jensen go to haiti the month it happened, her artist makes art for it photoshopping those two over like... real pictures of real dead people and three betas don’t find nothing remotely cringy in this concept. the fic gets published. it gets slandered to hell and back and while I didn’t agree on assuming the author was a pre-trump (she most likely had no idea that stuff was kindaaa racist) and that she should have been educated, I’d like to presume that people would think thrice before setting a Romance Story TM on a background where when it was published people were still excavating corpses from the rubble. it’s about the same concept as the romantic mafia fic. but with the haiti fic anyone on tumblr would agree that it’s hardly appropriate, with mafia fic it’s just ‘meh shut up you’re whining’. also, while I do agree that jared and jensen, as famous people, signed up for this, too, I don’t really think using real people for this kind of thing is fair, educated or a favor to them. I get it’s all fantasy and so on, but at least use the fictional characters. I can imagine j2 wouldn’t be happy with knowing noncon fic where they’re protagonists exists, neither with the haiti fic, but the noncon is standard fandom kink and whatever and no one else is involved, the haiti fic DOES. and while the people in those pictures wouldn’t even know, if that’s what you jerk off to at least be aware that it’s not exactly tasteful. and the people mentioned had zero idea that jerking off to the *mafia* au is not tasteful and that the *mafia* is *not* random organized crime. no one would have a problem if they called them CRIMINALS or mob or whatever without using the specific mafia word, but they like it because AESTHETICS which 90% of the time aren’t even true because the godfather aesthetic is so NOT the camorra aesthetic it’s not even funny. and of course we shoudl educate people instead, too bad that if it’s about haiti they listen and if it’s about us, they don’t;

 kink: same as above but like, again, let’s always use the poor j2 guys. the j2 mafia au as above is absolutely ew to me but at least j2 are american and most likely didn’t grow up somewhere the mafia could kill their relatives or friends. guadagnino did. and whether he knows or not (HOPEFULLY HE NEVER FINDS OUT) it’s another level of disrespectful to take a guy who made a pro lgbt movie you liked and putting him in that scenario without being aware of it. and they don’t listen if you tell them. that’s the problem. I can be very tolerant, but good god at least hear people out on the subject. and if it concerns a situation that isn’t even old or a dead organization but one that’s thriving in the country still and fucks people over every day I’d like for these people to recognize that at least it’s something not cool and not just their jerk off fodder material. at this point do the GODFATHER AU, which is what they want anyway, stick with the american mafia and try to not give them positive rep, because this idea of the mafia as a cool thing plays a major role in actual mafia organization marketing themselves as a good thing and makes the work of people actually fighting them way harder. if no one thought it was cool, it wouldn’t have half the influence it has. but do I ever see mafia aus with cops or conflicted henchmen or the likes? nah. it’s all SAD ROMANTIC BACKSTORY WITH CRIMINALS. call it some other way. it’s not asking that much.

also: I am entirely down with mafia stories in media and stuff - again, I ove my sopranos and boardwalk empire and goodfellas and I actually do like the godfather when a lot of people here at this point hate it too, but none of those things make it look like it’s palatable to be in the mafia. people can jerk off to it I suppose, but at least they should be aware of that. lowering the bar, it’s why I get pissed at people passing jc as a healthy nice relationship - at least own up to your badwrong and don’t sugarcoat it. in this case they don’t even own up to the fact that it’s a real thing that hurts real people, never mind caring for the feelings of the people they’re fans of - I could jerk off to my rpf faves in anything but I’d like to know I’m not doing it to something they would loathe, and if you have to at least use the fictional characters as the jerk-off material. I mean I’d feel uncomfortable af using them as jerk-off material to something I know they as people would hate. obviously I’m pro write whatever you want, but I’m also pro ‘be aware of what you’re doing and know you’re possibly jerking off to things that are actually harmful to a lot of people and if you do and are cool with that whatever but at least try to not make it look as it’s a good thing’ while at the same time assuming that someone who tells you it’s not cool is doing it because they’re HOMOPHOBES when the mafia is the most homophobic organization in existence or close to it. we do need positive rep when it comes to mafia stories and we never get it.

like, final example: if I had seen one ‘steve rogers is a cop who wants to take down the mafia-like organization’ for every ten ‘tiny boss steve rogers and his russian henchman bucky are THE POWER COUPLE OF THE NY CRIME SCENE AND THEY KISS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AND HELP THE WEAK WHEN THE POLICE SUCKS ASS’ fics I ran into it’d be lovely, but the point is that I’ve never seen one such fic even if it’s a lot more IC for steve rogers to take down criminals than being a criminal, and if you make people notice that nicely (which we did more than once) the usual answer is ‘go fuck yourself it’s just aesthetics the mafia doesn’t hurt anyone’ when it actually did, does and will do as long as they have means to, and since this recasting of canonically good characters as *mafia* henchmen who are happy to be there and not itching to get out just really makes pass the concept that the mafia isn’t really that bad I think I/we affected people have the rights to point out that it’s already a distasteful thing that people should at least read about before assuming it’s random organized crime that can be substituted for whichever worldbuilding they like, and if they don’t care for that fine, at least avoid involving real people who actually would loathe that irl in it or, if anything, at least recognize that it’s fucked up to hell and back. and none of the people in that thread had the grace to do that.

I mean, obviously if I had to take the choice between one such fic not existing at all but censoring stuff and it existing without censoring stuff I’d pick the latter even if I absolutely don’t like it, but what irks me and the other people involved in this debate is how nonchalantly people do these recasting assuming that they’re not romanticizing the thing (which they’re doing) and then don’t listen to others when they’re pointed out that they’re doing it and they should be aware.

like, again, I think the haiti fic was a thing that no one with some salt in their brain and a basic amount of decency should have published. someone did. they got criticized for it and it sprung a lot of discussion (including comparing it with a gen kill fic set in east timor during the war which actually did it right and so no one actually thought it was exploiting a tragedy or being in bad taste) and tbh I think that when doing fic about serious things you should at least read up on that. but the point is that these people don’t listen, haven’t listened for years and most likely will keep on not listening and sorry but seeing a person from palermo who shoots movies that would make any cosa nostra boss mad being recast as a cosa nostra/mafia sicilian boss who, if compared to a, uh, real life person who died recently would deal with people seceding from this organization by ordering to kidnap their children and have them dissolved in acid at the ripe age of nine is really goddamned distateful and hearing ‘so your problem is that they’re gay is that why you’re so angry’ as a response instead of reading it and thinking ‘damn maybe that was a bit out of line’ isn’t exactly that great.

especially because again, these organization thrive on people assuming they’re less bad than they actually are and we’re not talking about stuff that happened three hundred years ago - the kid dissolved in acid happened in 1996 and it’s hardly the last time something like that happened. it’s not a general crime organization, it’s a very specific one, and I’ll be fine with people jerking off to any italian stereotype in existence while I roll my eyes and be fine with it, but at least I’d like these people to know what they’re doing. and they aren’t. and they should be. and on top of that some positive rep where the mafia people are inherently bad and the good guys want to take them down would be nice. I do get that it looks like I’m being incoherent but I’m not saying they can’t do it, I’m saying they should show a minimum of consideration, and they aren’t. then no one’s stopping them from doing it of course but just the fact that they-won’t-listen kind of says a lot. :/ and when it comes to real people and real things it’s not just fiction and you should at least be aware of that.

[paw-patrol-kiddo]

2017 for my regressive side

Well guys, this is it; we’re really already at the end of 2017! Hard to believe, ain’t it? Well, I normally don’t do year review thingies, bu’ I figured I should probably do one this year, mostly cause this year’s been the best out of all the years of my life- and that’s saying a lot. I mostly wanna cover what this year has held for my regressive side, also with bits of stuff that happened in my big girl life!

If ya want, I’d love if ya made one of these posts about what this year held for your regressive side and you tagged me in it! Chances are, I’ll be reading it and replying very quickly! 

Anyways, time for the year review! It begins below the cut!

This year’s held a lot of things for my regressive side; a lot more than the previous years. I’m going to try and cover everything, for every month of the year!

January held my fifteenth birthday and also marked four years since I started liking diapers nonstop again, which ultimately led to me beginning to age regress. I discovered that it seems my regressive side is most active this month, something that’s really helpful to know for obvious reasons. I attempted to indulge in my regressive side discreetly to cope with stress, as I was still hiding this whole thing at the time and seldom spoke about it to Kaiya, my younger sister. I also remember that the month before, I stopped identifying as a chireb, and was trying to find a new label for myself, but was failing. This was frustrating to me.

I don’t really remember a whole lot about February! Not much that I can note, that is. Thinking about it, this month is kinda a blurry, confusing mess if that says anything; I just can’t remember a whole lot from it! I think either this month or the month after was when I gave up on finding a label and just settled on the generic age regressor term.

March held quite a bit of things for my big girl side; I began playing baseball, got my own room at last, and mourned the loss of a big part of my preteen and early teenagehood when Club Penguin shut down. Even with more privacy for my regressive side and my life in general, I mostly forgot about my regressive side around this time and moved on with my life.

April doesn’t hold a lot of notable things for agere, either. I do know that starting four months before, I started feeling other ages in my identity (I feel all the ages I regress to in my identity. Like, I feel like them and at times, that for example, I’m a 7-year-old trapped in a teenager’s body. It’s not a fun feeling) and I accepted two without a problem (10 and 11), but I continued to deny and push aside another age I felt, thinking it seemed too young. After all, I was content with my youngest being two-years-old; or so I thought.

I wanna say May started getting a bit tough. As the spring season of baseball drew closer to the end, of course, my regressive side began trying to rise from the depths. The little girl inside me wanted attention and more space. She couldn’t keep sitting back and hiding forever.

The most I could do for my little self was watch toddler and little kid shows in private, play with my toys, play children’s games online, and color. Not a whole lot, clearly, and I was still self-conscious of a lot of this. I am sure this is the time where I began feeling trapped regarding all of this. 

June began to show signs of easier times. Baseball finally ended for the summer, which of course, led to the “Well dang; what am I gonna do with my life til the fall season?” moment. My regressive side, of course, took the wheel for most of the summer at this point. Hiding this was becoming very hard; I had to find some way to cope, some way to be open, anything. My little side could hardly take it anymore; this month or the next month marked four years since she first stepped into my life and you can only hide yourself for so long before it becomes too much (I had been making an effort to hide for a year or two before then).

Towards the end of the month, I finally reluctantly accepted the fact I seemed to regress to age 1 and 4 days later, I finally gathered the courage to make this blog, something I had thought about for a year, but could never do it. I told myself if I regretted it, I could just delete it, no problem; that was what I was expecting I’d end up doing. 

But instead, with a place I could be little, the trapped feeling began to ease. I was scared, of course, but also relieved and very happy. In fact, I was so happy that when I went to the bathroom shortly after a brief flood-reblog, I had to happy stim for a minute or two before I could actually do what I came in there for. I gave Mom and Kaiya the link to this blog. I’m sure making this blog is one of the best decisions I’ve made this year- and I’ve made a lot.

Making the blog reminded of my love for diapers, which brought back a memory of when Mom sneakily bought some for me the summer before. Talking about it here was really hard at first and took a lot of courage, but if you can’t tell, I can do it without flinching or hesitating now. After a quick chat with Mom, I decided at last, I’d finally try them whenever Dad left the house for a few hours (shout-out to the anon who sent that ask after I posted about it, you’re amazing and I hope you had a wonderful year. We need more people like you. Also, I started happy stimming when I reread the ask before linking it here).

Also, I rediscovered Small Elephant (I received the lil guy as a gift a year before and played with him once, but never got too attached to him) around this time and idk what exactly happened or how it did, but apparently, I ended up attached to him and I still am. He’s my lil vacation/severe weather evacuation buddy now.

July was a blast! I finally tried out my diapers shortly after Dad left to help out at a vape and tattoo shop he volunteers at and by the time I finally changed out of my first diaper, I had officially decided I was wearing them for the rest of my life (not as in 24/7, but... I’m sure ya know what I mean). The only problem is that because I was used to seeing what all the a/b/d/l community advertised, I ended up developing a rash the second time I wore and had to learn how to take care of myself properly mostly by myself with the occasional help from Mom and the internet (and literally now is when I see everyone from that community talking about the proper way to do things...).

The day I tried diapers out, I tried out regressing to age 1 to see how I’d like it and well, the rest is history. ;) 

Kai relearned of the diapers this month (read it once somewhere on my blog according to Mom, then I had to tell her about a sample pack on the way, and then Mom had to have a conversation with her about it in the car when they were the only ones in there) and said she was cool with it and briefly even began joking about the whole age regression thing (in a friendly way, mind you).

I told Kim, my older sister, about my regression, and she took it wonderfully, of course. I also told a friend of mine about my regression and liking of diapers, who also took it just fine and showed a lot of support for it. 

I began to indulge more and more into this and I even had a friend who also age regressed by the end of this month (Rayyyyyyy~). 

I went to Florida with Mama, Kai, and a former (? I don’t even know anymore, honestly) friend of Mama’s and it held some interesting adventures there, too! I took Small Elephant places, regressed at the beach twice (@ Kai, psst. Remember when I trapped you in that hug and almost sunk us into the ocean? Well, there’s your reason why), got a Winnie the Pooh book from Goodwill, and indulged in some tasty smiley fries one afternoon! Clearly, this month is one of the best for my age regression. The little girl inside was happy; I was no longer feeling trapped.

August was pretty wild. Small Elephant came with me to Georgia; I don’t think he got to come along on any adventures outdoors, however. I got a jack-in-the-box style toy with a mama kangaroo and her baby joey inside. I also regressed at some point at our cabin and enjoyed running around outside just before a storm blew through. Mom chose to tell someone about my age regression without my permission (talk about a thought to occupy yourself down the lengthy lazy river) and thankfully, that person was fine with it. I was thinking about telling her not too long before, funny enough. I’d prefer permission and a warning before telling someone, though, aha.

I got two “0+ months” pacifiers that month from Mom and literally spent 2 hours sucking on them, save for when I briefly stopped to switch; needless to say, my TMJ relapsed very quickly after around six months of absence of symptoms, aha.

My ex broke up with me (I got with him back in May), despite promising that no breakup would happen 3 days before. This was mostly a good thing, though; no more worrying about how and when to tell him about the diapers and age regression! I’ve been single since and content with it. The thought of telling my future boyfriend(s) this is terrifying, but maybe he’ll be fine with it. Maybe I’ll even meet someone who also likes diapers (nonsexually, mind you) and age regresses as well! I imagine that’s a once in a blue moon thing, though.

We also told Dad about my regression and he took it fine, something that surprised me, as I was genuinely not expecting it. Mom didn’t tell him a lot and eventually, decided to back off for a bit temporarily after mentioning that I “liked to act like a 7/5-year-old sometimes” and that I liked pacifiers and wanted one (this was after I got mine). According to Mom, he didn’t respond to the pacifiers thing and honestly, it’s still kinda scary (if it’s the no reply I think it is, I got him to do it back in October and it’s really unsettling). I don’t know what it means and I don’t think I want to know. He still doesn’t know about the pacifiers to this day. It’s wild.

September held its own adventures. I finally rediscovered an old bag of Mom’s (I mostly remember it because she had it when I was an ‘’actual’’ toddler) and what’s inside? A baby bottle I held on to for three years from when my parents had me treat Puzzle Piece as if he were a baby, thinking it’d rid of my age regression tendencies (if anything, I think this just fed it tbh). I planned to wash it and perhaps try it out or look into a new one.

This also held a notable visit from my older sister. She was told about my liking of diapers and you probably guessed it, her response was coming to my room (I panicked and ran away while she was on the way to the living room after Mom called her in there), giving me a hug, and saying, “I love and support you no matter what you do”. My sisters are great if you can’t tell, and I also mean that outside of agere.

The night before the diaper reveal, Mom noticed me lying on Kim while she rocked the recliner one evening and Mom offered to rock me someday while Dad was gone, something I accepted pretty quickly. I got Mom to rock me for the first time ever two days later. Mom also told me that Dad was fine with the rocking, hence why I was rocked literally right next to him at some point, and he even said he could rock me someday. I don’t think I could do that, though; age regression related stuff is really hard to do around him, and I’d be too worried about his back (he has a bad back).

That month, the day before the rocking part took place, I finally gathered the courage to actually refer to her as “Mommy” on here, along with “Daddy” for Dad. It honestly feels so good to do. I just find it sad I was so scared to use those words at first thanks to the kink/sters. I refer to those two regularly by those titles, mostly to try and reclaim those words as innocent, pure words I call my parents occasionally, rather than terms that are tainted with reminders of ki/nk. Mommy’s easier to use, because I’m closer to Mom than Dad (as of late, that is), and also because “Mommy” isn’t as corrupted as “Daddy”.

I got a Pooh Bear sleeper the day of my second baseball game of the fall season. It’s soft and it makes me feel like a toddler; the only problem is that it’s so easy to overheat in it (which really sucks because I’m hypersensitive to heat and can’t handle getting really hot) and sleepers take up a lot of room in a dresser.

Oh, and this month, Mom called me a nick name she uses for me quite a bit now; “My baby”. Out of all the nicknames I know, I never thought of that. I still melt when she calls me it tbh.

October was a mix, really. I don’t remember a whole lot involving this, really. Rocked by Mom again, got another sleeper, and witnessed Kaiya prove that she was okay with the whole diaper thing by insisting she was fine with it, actually going to the adult diaper aisle with us at Wal-Mart (she stayed a bit away from us, though), and when the cashier bagged the diapers up, she moved so dang fast and had them hidden in no time. I know this because I watched her load other stuff into the cart and she was much more relaxed. I did see her look into the cart at some point before we went to check-out, so perhaps she memorized what the package looked like so she could hide them? Idk if she remembers it or if she’d even want to talk about it, so... Who knows

Towards the end of the month, something began happening. I don’t know what, but it eventually led to me becoming depressed again for a little while, but we’ll discuss that in a few minutes. I discovered I was so indulged in my regression I actually forgot aspects of myself and chose to take a break for a week the next month. I came back feeling better about agere and somewhat better about myself in general. I still don’t understand what happened, but it hasn’t happened again since. Hopefully, it’ll never happen again.

November was a pretty miserable month for me tbh. Has a few good or at least neutral parts, mostly in the beginning, of course. One of these is that I discovered that I can go so deep into my baby mindset (I refer to my 1-year-old self as a baby for brevity) that I’ll chew on things without a thought and well, perhaps that other part’s a bit tmi. I also finally tried out my bottle one evening; very comforting and relaxing.

In the middle of the month, I struggled with accepting that perhaps I did need meds after all (spoiler: I definitely need them) and stress from this, a fixation on childhood trauma, and chores, which were gradually becoming stressful instead of enjoyable, began building up. I began to fall back into a depression, something I was in denial about the entire time.

It was this time that I noticed I was having a harder time regressing, something that was terrifying to me. I was scared that perhaps my regressive side was going dormant; one of my biggest fears is that I stop regressing for good and I was scared that was what was about to happen. That was, until one night, I had an involuntary episode briefly. I didn’t think much of it and went on with my night as normal once it concluded. I don’t know why I didn’t become concerned; involuntary episodes are rare for me, after all. But then, I thought I was about to have a block, so I guess that’s why I thought nothing of it.

I tried my best to cope with everything, but it was futile. One night, just witnessing the dog we were dog-sitting have an accident and having to take all three by myself while they all cried and tried to get out just made me snap, I guess. I fell deeper into my depression, began craving to be an actual baby/young toddler again for the first time in a couple of years, and briefly began having involuntary regression episodes every night. Wearing a diaper to bed and having Small Elephant with me every night for a couple of nights, drinking from my bottle one night, spending more time with my pacifiers, and easing up on everything I could helped pull me out of it.

I still don’t understand what exactly happened, but I hope it never happens again. Also, I guess this confirms that I have involuntary regression episodes when I’m overly stressed. Hopefully the next time this happens, my regressive side will keep me afloat, like it always has.

December was pretty good! I got rocked again by Mom while I was being bottlefed by her, got a new bottle and a toddler snack, and got more toddler snacks later on that day (again, Kaiya moved them to another bag quickly before Mom gave me the bag with them inside). Dad learned about the bottles and snacks and thankfully, is alright with it. I wish it was the same way with diapers. He still doesn’t know about me wearing diapers behind his back, as you probably guessed, and it will stay that way for a while. 

I think I kinda cheated another depressive episode, but? It never came. I was just really grumpy and easily upset for a while, to the point of punching my bed and stomping, which I hardly do (heck, I still am as of right now, but it’s calmed down some). I wish whatever my brain’s doing would stop, because it’s getting rather annoying and I’d rather not spend any longer whining frequently and worrying about getting upset to the point of punching or kicking my closet door off its hinges or something. :’)

Christmas was great; I mostly got big girl gifts (see: My new camera) or at least neutral gifts (see: My stim toys and maybe my Pikachu necklace), but I did get a few things that appealed to my regressive side, like a set of five different Paw Patrol puzzles, a penguin plushie with my name written on its tummy (glitter and everything!), and an Animal Jam playset thing!

To end this year off, I got a sippy cup, one of my most-wanted regression items around that time. Now, if only I could actually bring myself to wash my bottle and sippy cup in the dishwasher (they’re top rack safe)... I guess I can start off the new year washing them after I listen to Bring Me to Life or maybe while I’m listening to it, hee hee hee.

As you can see, I had a pretty wild year full of adventures and experiences! You know what? Why don’t I mention some folks who played a role in making this year the best?

Mom - Mom, I think you know how you’ve helped. You’re literally a big aspect in this post. When I was 12, I thought I’d never have your support about all of this, but now, here we are. You’re my mommy and I’m your baby and I always will be. I love you.

Kai - Sis, I think you see your role here, too. I thought you’d never support me, either, but here we are. Thank you for being cool with the diapers and everything else and always being respectful about it. I love you. Also, sorry for almost drowning us that time

Kim - You don’t get on Tumblr anymore, but I figured you deserved your own spot here, anyways. You haven’t gotten to see a lot, but you’ve still been very supportive of all this. Thank you for being fine with it and loving me for who I am, no matter what I choose to do. I love you. Also, I still can’t get over the fact that you seemed to do so good with little me that one time and you didn’t even know I was regressed at the time and you literally treat me how you treated regressed me all the time, but I still can’t get over it

Ray - You were my first friend who also age regressed. Tbh, I’ve admired ya from afar for like, a year before we started talking, but I was always scared to talk to ya. Thank you for being so supportive, helping me out and offering help for things occasionally. Also, thank you again for the regression moodboard ya made in the past for me! I still think about it a lot, and have looked at it so much that I’m pretty sure I have it ingrained into my brain.

Bug - We haven’t known each other for long, but I wanted to say thank you for taking an interest in me and being my friend. You’re adorable and so sweet (and so is your fursona. I love seeing other people’s fursonas, ahhh). My bumblebee plushie told me to tell you he said hi~

Leah - We haven’t known each other for long, either, but you’ve been so sweet to me the entire time we have. Thank you for the times you’ve checked on me when I didn’t seem to be doing so well. We need more people like you. Honestly, your kindness is goals for me; I’m always wanting to be kind at all times and you’ve got that perfect amount, it seems.

All my other followers - I can’t list all of y’all, so I figured y’all should get your own honorable mention in one go~ Some of you I’ve known almost as long as this blog has been around (6 months!), some of you I’ve only recently gotten to know. I don’t know why y’all followed me, but I appreciate it. Thank y’all for following me, sticking around, and just being all-around cool. Y’all are adorable and lovely and I love y’all (and so is everyone else who got a specific mention. Yes, I love you guys, too).

I think 2017 is the best year for my age regression by far and the best year of my life in general. I’ve learned things, laughed, cried, shook from excitement and fear, grinned, and stimmed in many different ways for many different emotions. I can finally be myself without feeling as much shame. An autistic, ADHD teenage girl who is occasionally in diapers and often feels more like a little girl than a teenager sure is an interesting thing to be, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I don’t know what 2018 could bring, but I am ready for whatever it throws at me, whether it be pie (fun fact: I have never eaten pie before), problems with other people about this, or a pack of diapers.

To all my fellow age regressors, I hope 2018 brings you lots of happiness, acceptance for who you are by others and yourself, and anything you may want for your regressive side, whether it be more toys, a sippy cup, or a lot of marathons for your favorite cartoon/anime/TV show. Even if it’s hard for you right now, it will get easier; I promise.

Happy new year!! Stay little/tiny/smol.

[not-for-my-personality]

Don’t mind me

So yeah I’m not the one to post my own stuff, I usually just reblog and like. Also I would like to warn you that this is a pure rant of my fed up self, but I don’t want to write it on my motherlanguage because my country’s tags are full of things that have a connection to depression and suicide and yeah well I don’t want that. So sorry beacuse of the errors but probably no one will read this.

I wanted to do this for a long time. Honestly, I thought I was doing quite well in high school, like I had friends my grades were not bad either and we could say that I was happy. But I came to a realization that I am kind of empty. I don’t know how to describe it. This year, I had other stuff beside studying, ‘cuz I get pretty lazy if I’m bored. (piano classes and countinouing fencing, plus I take korean lessons once a week)  And I always feel like I’m not good enough. I do average, but I’m not satisfied. I want to be the best. I know it sounds childish but my maximalism takes the fun out of everything, For example, today I almost beat the guy who won against me since like the beginning of this school year. (10point for him 9 for me) So the normal reaction should be that I’m happy, but my mind then tells me “It was only 1 point, you should be asamed that you weren’t the one with the final win) and from that I was in a bad mood. When I’m with my coach I do everything right, he always says that I’m good, and I simply don’t believe it. Because that level should be average for me and expected. And that’s the case with everything in my life. My studies mostly. I can’t accept defeat and I can’t deal with it either. And for me even a C is a defeat, but in my midyear grades even one or two Bs are. My best friend is not even my best friend. Like, I feel like she always tries to top me. And I can be competitve if I have my motiviaton but I don’t want competition in my friendships nor relationships. She has her boyfriend for more than one and half a year now, and I didn’t even have a normal conversation with him in person, the longest was like 6 sentences on Messenger. I never even met him properly, I only said hi to them when I walked past them. And she has no problem with this. I’m fine with it, but when I asked her what’s the reason for it she always said some stupid one with pure sarcasm and brought up another topic. She always ask why I don’t tell her about my life nowadays but she barely said something about hers. ever. She only texts me when she needs something. When I write to her she replies like half a day later. /now she left me on read when I asked her what’s the problem beacuse she’currently absent from school/ So yeah, I feel alone as fuck, I have some buddies but they are not considering me a close friend. Currently I only have one close friend, she listens to me, and she actually writes back. My best friend and I are very similar,and in other aspects we are like the ground and the sky maybe that’s the problem. But I hate it when she makes fun of my non-existent love life. She knows I kinda want one, (I’m a horribly hopeless romantic in my opinion) and she says things like “ I just don’t get it why don’t you just get a boyfriend” or “You don’t miss out on anything except a boyfriend makes your life so much better” and my personal fav “ OMG I miss being single” ( she doesn’t, she wants to marry that kid) And I always feel like she doesn’t take me seriously when I tell her about a guy I like and things like that. (these are just a few examples of the things what she does) And know the best part... my crush. So I think I kinda crave the caring, or idk how to say it, but I can state that I fall for people quickly in general. And after that I’m invested in them as fuck... ( i don’t even know if this is healthy)  My last crush was a boy from the same school and the same town, we travel with the same bus. we started talking in late november of my freshman year, and I think we kinda liked each other. I always anticipated if he sits next to me, and he liked listening to music too, so if one of us did not feel like talking, we simply just listened to music and slept next to each other, and wake the other up when we arrived. This year he was a junior and they had the student campaign our school holds every year. And when they were doing the choreography, boys started to hand out flowers. He started to walk straight to me, handed a flower to the side on the go and when he arrived in front od me, my friend started to say “please give me the flower” ( she has a tendency to hord things for herself on campaign week) and he just stared at her, looked at me and his arm got around her and handed me the flower with a smile. the day before I didn’t know how to thank him for the shirt he gave me so I just hugged him, and at the beginning of the week I wore high heels (not used to them) and he escorted me to the school ( lot of stairs) Back to the point, the next day he commented on the situation saying he thought it was obvious for who the flower was meant for. (sorry, this sentence fucked up my mind and I just could not translate it properly) Aaaaaand that’s the busride where I met a new girl. Short summary the girl became his gf and after that he did not speak to me for a good month or so. Now he sits next to me, but at the gf’s stop he gets off the bus and goes with her with the next bus. (this stuff fucked up my emotions for like, two weeks, also there are more stuff to it) Now I have a slight crush on my fencing partner. Like, we go to the same training. And he’s goofy,makes other people laugh and  is basically my ideal type since I was a little girl. I don’t know if he likes me or not. He gives off vibes like that, but still than the little voice in my mind says “ U ugly, and he’s nice with everyone anyways, stop thinking you have a chance with him” Still, he’s the only one I believed when he said I’m a good fencer. He always makes me smile, and even if I see him for like 5 seconds, he makes my day. This is a lot to read, If you read thorugh all of it, I love you. It was good to write this all down. I talked about it, but felt like no one listened. Anyway, if you have something to say about this, or just something that happened to you, my inbox is open. But this just had to be done. Have a good morning/day/evening wherever you are <3

[ibijus]

M-21 vs Sleep deprivation

A good while ago someone reblogged a writing prompt about a character not being able to sleep and mentioned a scenario with M-21 (or something along that line, really, I don’t even remember who was the one who reblogged it, goddamnit it would be so nice to be able to tag the person uuuuuuuhg !!!) and I ended up writing something and never edited it and forgot I had written it but here it is:

M-21 is having bad dreams, so he has the great idea of stop sleeping all together; or “M-21 needs to Go the Fuck to Sleep.”

EDIT: there's a significant change near the end, I'll highlight it and put a (☆) if you want to check out, I’ll also explain what the hell happened in the notes.

He's digging digging digging his hands are bloody, all he can see is grey, grey rocks and M-24 is buried and dying so he has to keep digging digging digging-

Day 1

M-21 felt shaken, weak. It didn't matter how strong he became, he was a failed project that couldn't help the one person that mattered. He couldn't help anyone. How many times had he failed at protecting the people he lived with? They put everything into making the weakling able to fight, and every time they had to put their necks at risk to save him because he never could win, never could do anything right. In the end Frankenstein had to come and rescue them, even him had to die little by little to clean his mess.

The whole day everyone had their eyes on him, obviously thinking how useless he was, it should be a blessing to be able to close himself in his room and be alone for a while, but it only brought him closer to his nightmares. In his sleep there would be no rest, only digging digging diggin digging-

He spent the night sitting by his desk, trying not to thinking.

Day 2

Without nightmares and forcing himself to eat a big breakfast he felt more like himself, the day was slow and peaceful and productive. The school was safe and he had been able to help Takeo with training and Tao with the security system, moving cameras and sensors around until late in the night. Going back home wasn't a problem, but when he was finally in his room there was uneasiness fogging his mind.

He couldn't sleep. He had had a great day without sleeping, as a modified human there was no need for such a thing. He had done it before, spend days running around like a fool doing some dirty work or another for the Union.

He was fine.

Day 5

He was feeling short tempered, not really angry at anyone, but the staring was back. Everyone looking at him, like he was a failure with bloody hands from digging digging digging-

Breakfast was tasteless and he left for work earlier, everything was going too slow, he wanted the day done and gone, before he was able to fuck things up like he did everything in his life.

Everything was noisy and he felt like something was about to happen, but it never came. Maybe the starring never stopped, maybe he was being watched. Measured. His worth being judged.

The whole day was like that, his nerves taunt, waiting waiting waiting-

He couldn't sleep.

Day ?

He could survive without sleep. He felt better, always alert. Always ready. Maybe he could survive without food too. It was all so tasteless and the process was such a chore: sit, grab food, chew, swallow, repeat. Ignore the stares. They were always staring now, waiting for him to falter, but he wouldn't. M-24 wouldn't want him to fail again, he told him so.

When he got to his room that night he heard M-24 say "you shouldn't sleep," so he didn't. He couldn't disappoint M-24 again.

Day ??

Frankenstein is in his room. Maybe he finally grew tired of him and will kick him out. He's going to miss that house and everyone there. He felt sorry he couldn't be more than a failure.

"You're not a failure."

M-21 frowned. Frankenstein was talking but the ones with the mental powers where the nobles.

"You're muttering. You really should lay down now."

But if he's not ready something bad will happen. He's waiting so he can be of use. Nobody else needs to die.

"I'll wake you when it comes, so you'll be rested and full of energy."

☆But if he sleeps he'll die.

"Ah. So here's the problem."

Frankenstein turned to the door where he was standing, he lifted a hand and-

After taking M-21 to their room and tucking him in the king size bed, Frankenstein took a book from the shelf and made himself comfortable at his side of the bed, taking a second to check one more time over M-21. The kid was out like a light, and would stay like that for a good while after days without sleep and, lately, barely eating. They had let this foolishness go too far, waiting for M-21 to open up. Now he was lying curled on his side, his head on top Raizel's lap.

Rai was propped against the headboard, from time to time moving a hand to pat M-21’s hair or adjust the thick blanket over him. There was a heavy shadow over his face that Frankenstein knew well to be worry.

"When he wakes up," Frankenstein said in a low tone, even if the chances of waking M-21 were low. "We'll talk."

Notes

I should have taken the chance to do a good and long research about sleep deprivation, but I got lazy while trying to read about it? Usually I’m a sucker for that kind of research, but it happens idk I winged it with the few things I remembered reading before but it’s not ideal.

There was an interview were Son and/or Lee say the modified humans need less sleep and food (and that’s such bullshit) they even say Frankenstein only sleeps a few minutes when needed and he does so in his everyday clothes sitting on a chair in his office, that’s no fun!

Anyway, at first I had intended to write further, but it wasn’t flowing so I cut it before it became a train wreck...

btw not sleeping kill neurons and neurons are very freaking precious and specials cells in your brain that you need to cherish and take care of, so go the fuck to sleep.

EDIT

ok guys I corrected a big thing that I accidentally changed while editing: it's been a while since I wrote it, not a huge time ago, but was enough that I messed up this little thing, when M-21 mutters "But if he sleeps M-24’ll die." the original was "But if he sleeps he’ll die." so I was like oh boy I was really sleepy when I wrote this, but the thing is that I wasn't (the plot thickens), it wasn't properly edited so it should be "But if he sleeps he’ll die." because M-21 don't want to fail Rai. 

[caepaecaesurae]

> Last week sometime...

caepaecaesurae ... I apologize for the #tyrian/ tag, by the by.  My moirail has trouble wvith your alternates, that he is still wvorking through. brackishbarracuda so i noticed i didnt mean to start shit caepaecaesurae You havwen't, and he holds no animosity.  Only memories. brackishbarracuda i cant reely say shit tbh w u i used to have the same problem w certain cronus alts i aint gonna go into it but im betta than i was

caepaecaesurae .. There are so vwery many things wvrong wvith certain Cronus alternates. brackishbarracuda an nearly all a mine are fucked so caepaecaesurae I'm glad you're doing better ..and that the entire Ampora line is not currently completely poisoned for you. brackishbarracuda trust me theres a few i could stand to see w a head on a different end a the room than the rest a them but i got double diamonds and both are v much amporas caepaecaesurae There's some that -I- wvould be inclined to separate from themselvwes. brackishbarracuda aight if im bein honest its one in particular and its an erian so i still count that as improvement caepaecaesurae I'd agree.  WVas he perchance recently invwolvwed in the dashcourse? brackishbarracuda i dont think so i aint been payin attention i dont mind a name drop if ur currious just dont out me aboat it its complicate complicated efin caepaecaesurae Reasonable.  ...  I don't speak wvith many Eridans, I suspect it's not likely to come up, so I'll abstain. brackishbarracuda as in dont tell me or u wont out me caepaecaesurae Don't tell me -- I wvouldn't out you either wvay. brackishbarracuda s fair caepaecaesurae But this wvay, I'm not likely to read his page out of curiosity. Or ask a thousand questions that aren't my business.  I'm afraid I'm as gossipy as Arlequin can be. brackishbarracuda trust me tho if he shows up and starts shit youll kno who it is caepaecaesurae Do let me knowv if you evwer need a hand. brackishbarracuda pike i said its complicated 38/ and f reel tho i aint mind questions from u in particular caepaecaesurae If you're certain, then -- wvho, and dare I ask his specific failings? brackishbarracuda violaceousvanity too many to fuckin count brackishbarracuda most a which is fuckin w my rails pusher an holdin the fact said rail had feelins for him over my damn head when i was low caepaecaesurae .. Ugh. brackishbarracuda im really tryin naut to go on a tirade aboat every fuckin thing hes done wrong bc i wont stop if i get started its platonic af caepaecaesurae I knowv the feeling. Aye, interference in romantic affairs often can be. brackishbarracuda hes still a part a my rails past tho before i knew him and he swears hes his friend so im over here just shruggin violently brackishbarracuda ur ugh in response was afishiated tho its hard to properly disgusted w somebody existence when other ppl aint as pissed as u are

Last Wednesday at 2:44 PM

caepaecaesurae I sympathise.  Interpersonal conflicts of that nature are... Awvkwvard at best. caepaecaesurae Pardon for disappearing on you. brackishbarracuda nah shit happens u aight caepaecaesurae > Caesurae looked at that question, blankly, for over a minute before he could bring himself to quietly facepalm, sigh, and gather his words. Sleep came unexpectedly, that's all. brackishbarracuda count ur blessings i had to watch cats the musical before i could get my wrigs to fall the fuck asleep caepaecaesurae You havwe wvrigglers? I feel like I should havwe knowvn, sorry for the inobservwance. brackishbarracuda i dont talk aboat them much naut publicly anyway brackishbarracuda too much shit can go wrong but yeah i got five a them caepaecaesurae It's easier to protect something no one knowvs about. Gods, that seems daunting. brackishbarracuda i mean they aint mine i kinda inherited them but they mine u feel cept one ones actually mine caepaecaesurae I believwe Arlequin had a fewv sprung on him wvhen it turned out one of his flings came from a timeline wvith interesting biology. He adores havwing a massivwe family for church reasons though. brackishbarracuda yeah caepaecaesurae May I ask about the inheritance? brackishbarracuda bouy seems pike hed b happy just havin em drip off him while he fucks around in the kitchen caepaecaesurae That's fairly accurate, aye. brackishbarracuda dead red caepaecaesurae I'm sorry. brackishbarracuda they didnt really have anybody else me and the rails look after em caepaecaesurae Good that someone or something does. If you havwen't ended up lusus-bonding wvith them yet you might be able to get them lusii in a timeline somewvhere.  I suspect you havwe though, by the sound of it. brackishbarracuda loz would raise from his fuckin ashes and haunt my ass if i ever got rid a them especially now brackishbarracuda theyre mine caepaecaesurae I'm glad you care for them. I'm...familiar wvith the concept from Beforus, and from my moirail's family.  It's not something I'vwe personally evwer wvanted, but I'm glad it suits you. Are they young, still ? brackishbarracuda it aint someifn i ever personally wanted either tbpfh w u little shits grow on u yeah caepaecaesurae Has Arlequin met them yet? brackishbarracuda ach is the oldest and shes under five sweeps and ayas the youngest and shes in a coon rn i think we planned on it but it aint happened yet brackishbarracuda lotta shit goin on rn caepaecaesurae I suspect he'd enjoy it quite a bit.  He adores spoiling wvrigglers. brackishbarracuda yeah i can sea that lmao hes a big cod damn nerd brackishbarracuda hey i got a question caepaecaesurae Aye? Fire at wvill. brackishbarracuda do u no anybody youd trust w a needle pike tattoos do u think arlequin would kno anybody in the church oar caepaecaesurae I knowv Porrim has a studio here, though I'd havwe to gently feel out howv she feels about seadwvellers.  I'm sure Arlequin knowvs howv to apply tattoos in the old wvay, wvith hand-made tools and ointments rather than wvhat one wvould vwisualise in a modern tattoo parlor. I'm sure Nadaya wvould knowv someone, and could ask, if that wvould be of use. brackishbarracuda idk if i trust his evaluation of i trust u naut to kill me while u do this but yeah if u could ask around so i got options id afishiate it tbh isle still probubbly sea what arlequin can do seein as i already trust him caepaecaesurae Arlequin I wvould trust completely to do blackwvork.  If he specifically says he can do brilliant colors and gradients, I'd believwe him on those too. I trust Nadaya not to put other people into stupid situations.  He tries plenty of things himself he wvould not consider for others. brackishbarracuda thats fair caepaecaesurae I'll see if I can put together a list for you -- and I'll mention wvho each recommendation came from, as wvell. I'vwe been somewvhat tempted to look into it myself, I just havwen't been able to think of a design I wvanted. At least anything that wvasn't somewvhat trashy. brackishbarracuda hell let it be trashy caepaecaesurae References to the Kraken brackishbarracuda lMAO caepaecaesurae A tramp stamp, if I could bring myself to it brackishbarracuda PLZ I N-E-ED T)(IS caepaecaesurae Haha Gods.  Maybe. brackishbarracuda oh my shi t absofuckinlutely i am behind this and behind u so i can stare at it caepaecaesurae I appreciate the vwote of confidence. "This side up" brackishbarracuda im la ughign i swear to fuck man embrace that shit caepaecaesurae On the one hand, yes. On the other, if I don't, I can fake being a vwery dignified older man at wvill. And people wvho don't knowv me wvill believwe it. brackishbarracuda i mean thats fair but u can do that w some paint an sealer caepaecaesurae ..Oddly true.  Of course, I could put on a vwariety of different tramp stamps at wvill in the same wvay. brackishbarracuda embrace ur inner trash prince caepaecaesurae You are a terrible influence, but I'm almost intrigued enough to put together a selfie. brackishbarracuda i am tho caepaecaesurae This Side Up is the best one I can think of.  Maybe a reference to the Gunshowv WVhat are some other good ones, vwisible from the front? I am preparing something. brackishbarracuda suns out guns out has alwaves been a personal fav isle ahab ur crosshairs idfk visual pun put ahabs on ur bicep caepaecaesurae Oh, perfect brackishbarracuda i am all for this please dear cod also ur attractive just fyi caepaecaesurae Thank you, I appreciate that.  You as wvell, from the pictures I'vwe seen. brackishbarracuda the reactions ur getting are worth this shit alone caepaecaesurae Oh, aye, I need to do this more often. brackishbarracuda u reely do i almost wanna reblog the dam thing again caepaecaesurae One feature of tumblr that I personally appreciate is the ability to schedule posts to go off at pre-determined times years into the future. brackishbarracuda oh my shit ohhh my shit caepaecaesurae And you look at your dashboard, and you ask yourself "WVhen did I reblog that --  Oh.  Ohhhhhhhhh right." brackishbarracuda i am here for this brackishbarracuda plz at least keep the gun caepaecaesurae Hah.  I don't knowv.  The tiny one? brackishbarracuda yeah i mean its easily hidden w sleeves an its a good ice breaker caepaecaesurae It is at that. If I did, I'd probably ask Arlequin to apply it for real.  Things I imagine into place are easy to imagine awvay again. brackishbarracuda i nearly said id imagine so and stopped myself wtf me caepaecaesurae I can imagine it, and I wvouldn't havwe caught it. brackishbarracuda hes doin aight if ur currious thats my rails caepaecaesurae I'm glad he is. brackishbarracuda i get over excited about the bouys so i apologize in advance caepaecaesurae Hah.  Both vvic and his brother? Enthusiasm is a blessing, enjoy it. brackishbarracuda yeah f reel tho they aint get out much so im over here wavin a lil flag when they talk to ppl on their own caepaecaesurae I havwe a fewv friends like that. Thankfully theyvwe started getting along wvith one another, wvhich is nice. brackishbarracuda tru tf to that

Last Wednesday at 6:44 PM

brackishbarracuda are u sugestin arlequin is a wrong choice caepaecaesurae No, I just knowv Arlequin wvell and don't knowv if he knowvs him. Arlequin making more positivwe social contacts is good. brackishbarracuda (that was a joke ) tru af tho caepaecaesurae I'm not that great at jokes if the punchline is someone being offended, if I'm honest. brackishbarracuda aight fair caepaecaesurae Sorry, chief. brackishbarracuda nah u aint got anyfin to apologize for

[super-rainbows]

uiytbrvecwe

Rainbow: okay 1: I’m glad to get to talk to you, lol. but 2: tumblr is bad. I’m not gonna say “delete this tumblr”, but like. seriously. 

Ethan: *shrugs* I’m following like a few thousand people (or more). It would take forever to unfollow everyone who posts discourse or anything.

Rainbow: yeah.

Ethan: Not to mention, I don’t want to unfollow someone who’s like 90% good posts but 10% upsetting things.

Rainbow: yeah, I know. it would be pretty impractical to unfollow everyone who’s ever transphobic/exclusionary/ableist/whatever. and that would be a little similar to the people who are like “if you ever reblog any post originally written by anyone who follows anyone who’s ever written/reblogged/liked a Bad Post then you are also Permanently Bad!!” etc. your death tumblr is like 99.9% fine though, lol. you should just make a completely positive blog or something.

Ethan: Yeah, I have considered it, but I don’t know if I could completely stick to the theme(s) or if I’d completely avoid anything upsetting.

Rainbow: most people tag “discourse” though, don’t they? so you could blacklist that or any variants?

Ethan: I’m pretty sure there’s a ton of variants. I only know of “acecourse” and “syscourse”, but there must be one for like every community or subculture.

Rainbow: well, a lot of them don’t get their own name, so it’s not “shipcourse”, it’s just “discourse” (I think), and not “transcourse”, just “discourse” or whatever. (there’s too many things that one could be, anyway) I guess just see what people tag things like that as? idk. anyway, are you okay?

Ethan: Yeah, I guess. Are you?

Rainbow: yeah, idk. I don’t like the weird feeling.

Ethan: Me neither. I think it’s at least partially due to being in America? As in, it’s new and different so it’s disconnecting me/us from reality. It was the same whenever my dad visited before.

Rainbow: yeah, that is likely it. I hope it wears off before we go back. I don’t want it to be like this never happened.

Ethan: It does kinda make adjusting to things easier. :P

Rainbow: yeah, but it’s annoying for fun things to have just effectively never happened. also, just, weird feeling. I don’t like it.

Ethan: I know. *shrugs* I can’t control it or anything. I am trying, but nothing makes a difference.

Rainbow: I know. don’t worry. anyway, didn’t you want to write things, or at least think about it? lol

Ethan: Yeah, I’ve been trying. :P

Rainbow: to like mentally get yourself to do it?

Ethan: Yeah. I’m getting closer.

Rainbow: lol. (I’m not laughing at you as such, I do think you’re doing great)

Ethan: Thanks. :P

Rainbow: do you think caffeine pills are actually making you feel more in reality, or just making you feel a familiar kind of fucked up? lol

Ethan: I have no idea. I kinda lean more towards the latter.

Rainbow: I feel bad for that robot in this movie. D:

Ethan: I think we’re meant to feel bad for him. I think he’s the one good robot, or something like that.

Rainbow: ^ 

Jamie: This movie is confusing. I just don’t know who’s good and who’s bad.

Ethan: I think it would be easier if we were properly paying attention.

Jamie: I mean it reminds me of every season of Digimon: “AI is Perfect and Rational and humans are Bad and Impure and so humans must be destroyed” but then the humans win because of emotions or something and because destroying humans is actually bad. :P

Rainbow: lol

Jamie: Just, if AI is “objectively better” then why is it bad to destroy humans? It’s only bad from the humans’ point of view because humans have the emotions thing. The point I’m making is that they present “AI destroying humanity and taking over the world” as the objectively good outcome and give evidence for that, but then they’re like “actually no” because humans don’t like that idea. It seems inconsistent.

Rainbow: lol

Ethan: We (the audience) are meant to assume that destroying humans is bad (regardless of evidence) because we are humans. That’s basically it, I’m pretty sure. In the same way as people are expected to want the main male character and main female character to end up together, or whatever. As in, that’s what people are “supposed to” think/want etc. Except “humanity shouldn’t be destroyed” makes more sense to expect people to automatically think than “the guy and his friend who’s a girl should end up together”. (Though I do like it when people end up together)

Rainbow: !!! let’s complain about that movie we watched last night!

Ethan: Yes!

Rainbow: like?? the one movie ever where the guy and his best friend (who are of compatible genders+orientations) don’t end up together in the end also just so happens to be the one movie ever where they’re gay? like seriously?

Ethan: Exactly! As you said, in a straight movie, the two main characters remaining friends instead of being together would be good to see, because the being together in the end thing has been done a million times already. But a movie with two gay main characters has barely been done ever at all, so it would make more sense to let them have the cliche ending thing since that hasn’t been done before. “Let’s just stay friends” stops seeming progressive and seems more like a cop-out.

Rainbow: yeah exactly. though to be fair I didn’t totally get what they were saying.

Ethan: I’m pretty sure it was “let’s stay friends”, as opposed to “we should stay friends but let’s be together anyway”, because they hugged as opposed to kissing. Even if it was the latter, it was too ambiguous, I think.

Rainbow: if it was the latter I think that would’ve been good since they’d be calling attention to the potential issues.

Jamie: The good robot is actually bad, isn’t it?! Is it? Oh, wait, what? Oh, there it is, there’s the speech, lol. “humans must be destroyed because they’re irrational”. Oh!!! He is bad! I think?

Rainbow: didn’t she reprogram him though?? so like that would be what caused him to become bad?

Ethan: I think that’s it. This would be much less confusing if we were properly paying attention. :P

Jamie: Wait what? Was he just pretending to be bad???

Ethan: Oh, yeah, he was! He pretended so that he could get them away from the actual bad robot.

Jamie: Oh, okay. How are they gonna kill the robot when she like... Is the building?

Rainbow: why did they program gender into robots?

Jamie: lol. I think it makes it easier for humans, idk. The other robot can do it! Yay!

Rainbow: why do they all just... conveniently turn red whenever they’re being evil?

Jamie: Didn’t the guy who programmed them know they’d do that eventually? So he probably did that in order to make it easier to defeat them.

Rainbow: self-destruct button. remotely-activated self-destruct.

Jamie: lol

Rainbow: I’m just saying.

Jamie: I think it was too late by the time he anticipated that? idk

[sanguinesprout]

Uhhhhh... *derp* (More stuff about indecision, some talk about doctors and some blog changes)

Lately has been well... kinda okay but mostly meh. I’ve been flip flopping between feeling somewhat content with myself and a little motivated and feeling absolutely empty inside and distraught. It’s been almost two weeks since my last post here (actually a reblog lol) and I’ve really been wanting to write a post but I’m still stuck in the habit of putting it off until I know for sure what I want to write or have the privacy to do so. Or maybe it’s just me being a big scaredy cat again :< I think from now on I’ll try to just write as if I’m writing in a diary, so more spontaneous and with less worrying about structure/keeping to just one topic or whether someone reads it or not, as I’m doing this for myself and my benefit most.

Although I was dawdling I did however sort out quite a lot of stuff to do with the blog and some good stuff irl (which I’ll get to later or in another post). One of the main things to mention is that I switched this blog from my primary one to a side one, which does make more sense and makes me feel a bit more at ease which should make it a bit easier to write and post without the restraint I was feeling before. Whether to keep them linked or not idk, I feel uneasy about it but I don’t think it should matter, I mean it is still me on both blogs and everything. I just wanted to separate the huge blocks of serious emotional text from the random cutesy and silly stuff I also wanted to post, but I think I might still post mental health related things to my main one, just in the form of images and not essays like these lol. 

Also I changed the urls from the hyphenated and maybe overly fancy termed things they were previously to more simple and cute ones. I still feel a lil iffy about them (like this blog url feels a bit ‘cold’ but looks pretty and flows well while my main one sounds more ‘warm’ but the world cuddly doesn’t flow well or look as nice lol) but whatever I’ll grow to like them or just change them again whenever, I spent way too much time agonising over them, it’s time to move on! I fixed up the about pages on both of them too, the links and tags pages are still empty for now, but I’m content enough with the way they are now to actually begin posting properly soon I hope. Oh and the current avatar/sidebar image is a really crappy drawing I made 2-3 years ago with a mouse when I was feeling down and was going to make and name this blog ‘rainysnail’ lol. I still might use that name/url someday for something though ^^

I searched for ‘extreme indecisiveness’ in google the other day because I was that frustrated with myself about well, being indecisive (and it was over the same lame url/blog stuff as before, not surprise surprise). I know there’s a lot of stigma around consulting ‘Dr.Google’ and self diagnosis being looked down on as it could prove to be more harmful in some cases and I won’t lie, I do get kinda hypochondriac-ish sometimes, but sometimes it can be very educational and helpful too. I just wanted to know if I was feeling something... something valid(?) or if I was just being an idiot. 

I came across ‘Aboulomania’ on my indecisiveness search and wow, it sounds pretty similar to AVPD and my current feelings but the way it’s written is kinda heavier? (and hella typo-ey/engrish-y lol I just chose that one because it seemed to have the most info from the few I clicked on). Idk... it doesn’t seem to be as much of a known/legit thing so there doesn’t seem to be that many sources on it or at least any reputable ones (though I didn't look particularly hard or for a long time though but once you’re past page 2 on google everything is bleh anyways lol). Also on its definition here lol it talks about ‘analysis paralysis’ and that’s something I kinda knew of and struggle with already. I feel some resonance with this finding and feel a little more assured and saddened at the same time, but I’m not about to run around screaming I have this thing or anything. Maybe I’ll look into it more another time but right now I kinda don’t have the energy to .__.

Indecision is something that appears and could be caused by all sorts of disorders, even just depression alone or a whole mix of other things and factors. Many disorders overlap (like the stuff in cluster c which I feel are most relevant to me) and trying to pinpoint exact reasons and causes for things to do with mental health is near impossible, so I don’t wanna dwell on it. I have therapy soon so having a professional help work out things is a much better idea (unless they also consult Dr.Google like some of the stories I’ve read online lol).

I did see some snippets of advice on indecision on another page and it was basically to let go of the feeling to try and always be perfect/choose the definitive ‘right’ decision and to just trust your gut feelings instead of leaving yourself to stress over it. Yeah, it’s nothing new really and I have been trying to do this but sometimes it’s just so difficult with all these automatic negative feelings weighing my rationality down and sometimes I forget because it’s so hard wired into me to get anxious and over analytical. *Sigh* ...but if I keep reminding myself I think it will stick more in the end. I have already adopted the ‘it doesn’t hurt to try’, ‘just do it, ‘yolo’, ‘no1curr’ etc. kind of mindset/mantra when I get hesitant before doing something that I usually avoid lol, sometimes it fails but the times when I have been brave and not overthought or avoided I’ve felt kinda proud of myself and there were some positive-ish outcomes too. So I just need to continue and allow myself to grow stronger in mind and spirit (and hopefully body too).

In relation to what I said before about the whole ‘Dr.Google’ thing, I thought maybe take the time now to write about my experiences with doctors in general. Many times in the past and even now when I would be explaining my problem (whether physical or mental) to a doctor, they would just shake their head and scoff to them self or even outright laugh smugly and then dismiss it straight away (especially if I mentioned I read something on the internet). The feeling of being fobbed off and even ridiculed by someone that’s supposed to be helping didn’t fare well on my confidence at all and I feel it is a reason I wasn’t proactive in sorting out a lot of the problems I’m still dealing with and obviously I am regretful, maddened and saddened as many of them could have been avoided or alleviated better if they were dealt with sooner.

I’m not saying all doctors are like this, I think it was those particular doctors that were the problem and thank goodness I don’t have to choose to see them anymore (I hope). My current doctor (who I actually came across due to those mean doctors being unavailable one time) is worlds apart in the way he handles things. He is so kind and accommodating to start with, listens well to any concerns, addresses them with great care and reassurance and is very adept at scheduling appointments for further investigations. I feel he really goes above and beyond and has both a friendly and personal but professional demeanour. I mean he isn’t 100% godly perfect as there were times I felt a bit iffy with some of the explanations and prescriptions and sometimes things were delayed, but he does try hard to help and is not against reading information from the internet and in fact encourages it and utilises it himself (eg. printing a informational page on a certain health thing from a reliable health website).

When I presented some info and concerns relating to a health problem I was having investigated already but felt was going in the wrong direction (ie. going down the typical ‘fob you off with the most common explanation so you go away’ route) he explained that it’s the typical process to go for the most common things first when investigating and agreed another route of investigation would be beneficial, more relevant and time efficient so he arranged that too. This doctor is such an awesome and good natured person and I’m so grateful, but he may only be temporary at the place I go to however and it makes me sad to think I might end up with the mean kind again someday. But the lesson is to not settle on doctors that are not helpful or any other type of awful and that there are good people out there. Something that was really very prominent and touching about going to this doctor is that my mother and sister who go with me sometimes were also stunned by how nice and helpful he’s been.

I distinctly remember one of the first times I went to see him with my mum and at that point I had been ill for so long already and she was obviously very worried about me. At the end of the appointment he announced what he would recommend me for investigation and assured that he’d help me get better soon with a smile and then he pointed to my mum next to me who I wasn’t facing at the time and I can’t remember exactly what he said but it was something about my mum crying. When I turned to look, she was indeed crying and I couldn’t stop my own eyes from watering either. I have never ever EVER seen my mum cry before, so it shocked me a lot and made me emotional too. I mean my sister told me she did cry one time recently, but that was when she was so stressed and upset over a family matter on her side of the family :c It’s not like this is something on my bucket list or anything, because I would rather her never be upset or cry for a bad reason, but this showed how much she cares and worries for me and in this case she was crying because she was happy, relieved that she would possibly not have to see me suffer as much and was moved to tears.

Unfortunately the problems have still not been resolved or fully recognised yet, and recently one of the doctors recommended to help investigate fobbed me off and it feels bleh lol... no not lol... very un-lol :< But at least the investigation is still going further in some way I guess and I’ll take his words with a grain of salt, I’ve yet to see my regular doctor to discuss what happens next. I think I’ve just backed down and passively taken whatever explanations too much in the past with negative results or progress and Idk I have a hard time accepting things some doctors say nowadays, a lot of it seems contradictory, sometimes illogical or outdated, robotic, insincere etc. 

When I’m reading what I’ve just written it keeps making me worried I’m a ass or have trust issues or something... :< I know doctors are meant to be serious and professional, but I can’t shake the feeling that some of them are not nice/unwilling to help as much as they could. I have had so many past experiences to do with being treated differently and being prejudiced against and it still happens today and not just to me but all of my family members, it’s tough and really upsetting... :c

It is true though, that you really have to push and persist if you want something done about a problem, and many times people are let go and misdiagnosed with stuff that ends up being something different or a lot more serious. I’m not saying whatever I have is ultra serious and I wouldn’t know anyways. I am clearly not dying, and I hope I’m not, but when I was without medication at the beginning I felt so bad and I was so scared of dying (even though usually idgaf thanks to depression etc.) I’m scared of being in pain and having to suffer both physically and mentally forever. I want to get better, become a stronger person. do the things that matter and well, in a nutshell live my life to the fullest.

Anyways, about the app with the normal doctor... I avoided phoning on a day I could’ve gotten a sooner appointment (my sister encouraged me to, but she was away that day and my mum said it was an inconvenient day to go, but it actually wasn’t really... I should I have pushed myself to go forward even so...) the appointment I do have is 2 weeks away from what it could’ve been. But I guess maybe someone else might have taken that appointment that needed it more urgently, or there might not have been any available that day anyways w/e. Avoidance playing up again... be more brave silly self!

I was planning to write some more happier stuff that’s been going but this post is already quite long so a separate post it is~ and I won’t keep putting it off! Tbh I’m only comfortable pulling up my blog and writing my feels whenever I am alone, so when my family are all at work, but this only occurs on random days and for such a short span of time. Or at least when I know they are all busy downstairs, I can try but I feel like I have to be extra alert and switch it away when they do come. I... ugh idk :c I don’t want to be secretive or feel guilty but I can’t help it, it’s just so hard and frustrating. I can’t even write what illnesses I was talking about earlier on (though I do hope to dedicate whole posts to writing about them later). I will improve and forgo this paranoid feeling someday though! Believe it! *cringe*