#idk something about writing this chapter felt natural and right

[ohitslen]

WOW WHAT. I UPDATED 🎉Ch. 6 of The neighbor from 311 is up!🎉

[cr4yolaas]

blue spring — guilt

prev: downward spiral | masterlist | next: wonder

when she returns to class beside him, he does his best to pretend he isn't shocked to see her. he can see the remnants of her lost sleep beneath her eyelids, and the slowed tempo of her movements only further proves her exhaustion. he wants to say something, he just doesn't know what. more importantly, he can't stop staring at her.

"yachi got you this," she mumbles. she places a sandwich, wrapped up in paper with a floral design, in front of him. he notices she has her own, and he fights the urge to smile at the concept of them sharing a meal.

he thanks her quietly before the lecture starts. the exam is tomorrow, and while they were initially planning on having a session this afternoon to go over the content in preparation, he isn't sure if it's right to ask her about it. instead, he watches her spin her pen around in her hand while her notes remain empty. he assumes it's because she already understands the lesson, and he wouldn't be surprised if he was right. there's a thick silence between them. he can't tell if it's suffocating or comfortable, but he hopes and prays its the latter.

he tries desperately to pay attention to his professor. there's graphs and writing all over the board, and his notes should be full, but they aren't. he can't stop looking at her. her eyes catch onto his, and a soft bout of red seeps onto his face. he's about to apologize before she whispers, "i'm sorry for last night."

the lecture at the front of the class is now white noise to him. he reassures her that he doesn't mind, but the guilt is still clear on her face. "it's alright," he begins. "if anything, i understand it."

it takes a moment for her to comprehend his words before she recalls blurry tales from her friends regarding his hunger for volleyball and his abrasive nature. she doesn't think the image they painted in her head so long ago quite matches with who she's talking to right now. in fact, it's much calmer. and nicer. and sweeter.

she chooses not to respond, instead biting the inside of her cheek and pretending to pay attention to the lesson. he tries to follow suit, but it's hard when he finds himself so, so, so horribly magnetized to her.

𝜗𝜚 a much shorter chapter ... i didn't want to go too in-depth to show how yn's world somewhat stops when she's in this trance of endless work

𝜗𝜚 she has definitely forgotten about the math and physics exams. she's way too stressed to be an academic weapon rn

𝜗𝜚 yachi felt insanely bad for their argument. she's not unfamiliar with yn's fits of like anger and stress and she knows it's better not to bother her but she just really wants the best for her friend

𝜗𝜚 tsukishima hasn't been in the house for a while LMAO he's too busy studying and going to work

𝜗𝜚 i feel like it's a little late to mention this and tbh idk if this interferes with my own plot but tsukki works at the museum and he gets paid quite a bit (his boss loves how nerdy he is). hence his fancy car from the last chapter

𝜗𝜚 bokuto loves his mentally deranged friends he's just a little worried for all of them and doesn't know how to show it properly

𝜗𝜚 also i promise yn won't leave kags on read after he spilled his heart out to her LOL she's just. struggling rn.

taglist: @mfcherry @eggyrocks @scxrcherr @yuminako @girlkissersco @diorzs @causenessus @kyo-kyo1 @k0z3me @shironagi @lovingvi @bunninio @hisfuture @lilchubbyyy @gsyche @ghostreader0307

[zyonsay]

Wildfire, Chapter Two MV1

Fem aligned people may read but not f3tishize my work!!

Summary: You almost scored a win, but Max wouldn't let that happen. The McLaren boys want to take your mind off of things!

Warnings: Swearing, Max is a bit of an asshole,Reader has anger issues, Slight Violence, Alcohol, Ki ki ki rah sweat sweat

Now playing: 'Monaco' by Bad Bunny

AN: This was a STRAIN! School is beating my ass recently and it's really difficult for me to get anything done BUT i really want to write this fic!

(Here is the previous chapter)

(Here is the next chapter)

The race season was in full swing, and you’d been doing well. Max had, as per usual, always taken the victory, but most of the time you were on the podium next to him. You were a great new asset to Red bull, and many of the fans seemed to like you. You started discovering more and more memes about you on Instagram and Twitter that would make you chuckle. (Or X? Man idk)

People saw you as a two-sided coin, since your charismatic, silly moments were accompanied by boiling, blood red rage when something messes up the race. Numerous fans compared you to Max when he first entered F1, calling you a “Smaller version of Mad Max.”

You guys’ interactions felt like witnessing two proud stags smash their antlers against each other. No full-on fights have ensued yet, but the tense feeling between you two can be felt by everyone from miles away. It was like the calm before a storm, electric energy surging through the air, waiting to strike when things get any more heated.

Your sassy, provocative nature could bring his blood to a boil easily, often causing him to glare at you from far away or leave some snarky remarks while passing by. This dynamic wasn’t optimal for Redbull, having two drivers who clash off the grid might also clash on the grid. As long as the situation wouldn’t get worse, they’d let you two entertain the fans bit more, but Christian kept a close eye on both you and Max.

Usually your bickering was harmless,

But today you could’ve strangled him right then and there in the paddock after the race. Luckily Horner got a hold of you and dragged you away, you felt like an angry dog being put on a chain outside the house by its owner.

What happened a few minutes before angered you deeply. Max profoundly refused to let you pass him, even if you had to brake to not crash into the rear end of his car. You could’ve had the first place if it weren’t for him blocking your way. Saying you were enraged was a pathetic understatement. You were steaming with rage and wanted to smash his head against a wall.

You, Lando and Oscar were strolling towards an Ice cream truck that Oscar had found on google maps. The race weekend was over but many of the drivers decided to stay a bit longer in the beautiful city. Tough it was extremely hot, which was the reason why Oscar and Lando wanted to go for Ice cream, what they didn’t tell you tough is that they wanted to distract you from your conflict with Max.

After paying for your Ice cream, you three made your way to a bench, sitting down and enjoying your refreshments. You chose pistachio ice cream, savoring the sweet, nutty taste. “Have y’all heard about the party tonight?” Lando glanced at the buildings nearby, enjoying the fancy exterior, thinking about snapping a pic for his .jpg account. “I mean, we all know that there will be one, but I didn’t catch any specifics.” Lando now looked at you and Oscar. “Danny told me about it, it’s in the grand Casino at eleven O’ Clock. I really want to go, but I wanted to drag you both with me. Are y’all coming?” He mustered up his best puppy eyes and began pouting. A hearty laugh escaped you, almost causing you to drop your ice cream. “Sure dude! I can’t wait to have some fun.” Oscar grinned, agreeing with what you said. You guys spent some more time shopping and checking out some must-see sights of the city. Lando bought Oscar a little Koala plushie with sunglasses calling it "Oscahs Doppelgänger.” You really liked hanging out with the two McLaren boys, spending time with them meant lots of joking and messing around.

“Hurry the fuck up Y/N, its almost eleven!” Landos voice rang over his obnoxious banging on the door. You rolled your eyes and checked your outfit one more time in the mirror before heading out. You were greeted with a friendly smile from Oscar and Lando who looks like he’ll bounce around the walls like a gummy ball. He could’ve well exploded on the spot with excitement. He and Piastri were both a tiny bit older than you, but Lando was still a kid at heart.

Lando, Oscar and you walked through the city, heading straight for the big, fancy Casino. Even from far away you spotted a familiar, smiley face. “Oi! Danny!” You waved at him, gaining his attention. He was smiling broadly as usual, walking up to your little group. “Hey guys! Looks like Lando managed to drag you along, eh?” He was obviously wearing one of his flash banging party shirts, it wouldn’t be Daniel Ricciardo if he wasn’t wearing something obnoxious, right?

The four of you chitchatted for a while, when Oscar asked: “Were you waiting for someone?” Daniel looked down at his wristwatch; it was already five past eleven. “I was actually. Me and Max wanted to meet up at eleven. Don’t know where he is, maybe he already went inside.” He shrugged, glancing you way as he noticed you tensing up at the sound of the Dutchman’s name. You definitely haven’t forgotten the race earlier that day. The guys stayed quiet for a few moments as the chilly night air blew around your legs, contrasting with the warm weather during the day. Lando was the first to break the silence. “Can we finally go in?”

Once you entered the gigantic building, colorful lights and the smell of overly expensive alcohol flooded your senses. A few familiar faces were dancing, drinking, and laughing, but there were also many you didn’t know. Daniel led the group towards the bar, buying you all a round of shots. “Gotta start the night the right way!”, he laughed before downing the burning liquid. The vodka fueled the sparks in your guts and turned them into a fire. You were going to have fun tonight.

Suddenly a loud voice appeared behind you. “Hey Danny!” You froze for a second before turning around and facing the man you’ve been wanting to murder since this morning. “Oi, Max! Thought I’d never see you!” Daniel abandoned the bar stool to pat Max on the back. Oscar, who was sitting next to you, turned in your direction and whispered. “We don’t have to hang around with him. Let’s just leave- “, you interrupted him, “No. Its ok.” You were too busy glaring at Max to notice Oscars worried expression, not that he thought you’d attack Verstappen out of nowhere, but he was concerned that a teasing comment from Max was enough for you to snap. As he later would find out, it was.

Max didn’t pay any attention to you, obviously not feeling as irritated as you were. The casino was warm from the sheer number of people inside, the loud music mixed with laughing and chatting. Daniel was going on about some experience he had the day before while exploring the city. You were halfheartedly listening to your friends rambling while you were observing your friends’ mimics. Your eyes landed on your fellow Redbull driver. He was listening carefully, asking a question every now and then. He then glanced at you quickly, catching you looking at him. Max then quickly looked away again.

After a while, Lando pulled you away from the bar and towards the dance floor. He was definitely drunk by now and was all giggly and happy. “C’monnnn, dance with me!”, Lando slurred.

It must’ve already been a few hours since you arrived at the Casino, but time flew by so fast. Oscar stated that he was getting tired and wanted to go home in the next hour or so, while Lando was as lively as ever and could go the whole night. You agreed with Oscar though, since you were tired and had an appointed Press conference for tomorrow. Daniel and Max wanted to stay a little longer but agreed to accompany you outside to say goodbye. Once outside, a cold shiver ran down your spine. The city was illuminated by bright lights and a howling wind was brushing through its streets. Daniel stopped, facing the rest of the group.

“We definitely gotta go out together more often!” Lando nodded enthusiastically, glancing your way as if inviting you to go out with him more often.

“Yeah, once Y/N doesn’t hold a grudge against me, I saw those glares.” Max laughed, but you couldn’t help but judgingly glance at him. His face was red and his posture a bit wobbly.

“You’re the one complaining about me during Interviews.” The venom in your voice was very apparent, you made no effort to hide your disdain. Max looked hesitant for a second before his expression hardened. Daniel seemed to feel awkward, not exactly knowing how to deal with you two firecrackers. Max focused his eyes on your face, not wincing under your glare. “And you were the one crying around about me winning this morning?”, he laughed again, seeking eye contact with the others as if to justify his words. The McLarens Aussie next to you looked deeply worried, as If he already suspected what happened next.

The blood in your veins began boiling, you could literally feel it. A heavy push from your side caused Max to stumble back. “Don’t fucking go there you dick. You just couldn’t handle me winning, right?” Your fellow Redbull driver was now shaken awake, glaring at you with a bitter look on his face. “Don’t get mad at me because you lost, fucking Dickhead.”

You were SO ready to ruin his stupid face with a good punch.

…but before you could actually get violent a certain Honey badger stepped in. “Lads, calm your tits! I think it’s best if we all go to our hotel rooms now.” Oscar was holding you back, worrying what would happen if he’d let go of the raging man in his arms. The other McLaren boy was standing next to you guys, unsure what to do. Daniel gave Max a heavy pat on the shoulder and gave him a serious look. “Let’s go get some sleep, buddy.” Max’s eyes never left yours, like a hunter stalking its prey.

But you won’t budge under him.

[reallyromealone]

Omfg I remember reading your story like how ever long ago and I finally found your acc again ‼️‼️

Idk If this is in the works or if you ended the series but please I beg of you can we get a pt4 of the vampire knight story like omfg ehdhshejeh.

Your writing is so good. And thank you so much for taking that incest and Yuki being a vampire like wtf was the ending anyways thxxxx

Feel free to ignore

Well welcome back!

So I am slowly working on it, I had half a chapter worked on but if no one cares you get discouraged lol

Here's what I have so far

Cross looked at (name) worriedly, the Omega no longer felt safe in the night dorms was something of concern "I can't explain it but... When I see those new people...." (Name) had a far away look as he spoke slowly, almost methodically as he chose his words carefully, this was a side of (name) that cross had never seen and frankly?

It worried him.

"I want to gouge their eyes out" (name) whispered, the sweet vampire never spoke poorly of people as even by vampiric standards be was incredibly kind though one could chalk that to his rather flighty and airheaded nature "so until it's safe to return, I would like to stay here if that's possible" (name) whispered, taking the initiative for his safety and cross felt he was speaking to a different person "I'll make arrangements with Kaname, now... When was the last time you got a good night's sleep, pup?" (Name) let the headmaster lead him to the guest room, settling into bed as the brunette immediately went to call for Kaname.

"Have... Have you ever seen (name) serious?" Cross asked as they sat in his office, he needed to know (name)s mood shift as obviously he would be more serious due to his safety but... It didn't feel right and apparently he was on the money for his concerns "If he is to stay here... You should be made aware of something"

"Go on"

"(Name) gets... Temperamental when he's feeling threatened, it's why we keep him on such a tight leash as he isn't good at processing what he deems a threat or not and he has lashed out before for minor things"

"I feel like this isn't the full story"

"It's why we medicate him, not enough to render him useless but enough to keep him calm, he was supposed to take his medication soon-- we mix it with his tablets as they look identical" that would explain why kaname was so serious about (name)s pills in particular, things falling into place in Cross's mind "what happens if he gets off them?" Cross asked the important question and Kaname sighed "last time was when he was a child, a maid touched one of his toys-- we didn't know he was going to be putting it in his nest and he broke her hand" he explained "he has anger, a lot of it from his former life before joining us and until he knows who he is and we can help... This is the safest way"

The room was silent as cross thought about it "what measures can we take to assure he doesn't have an outburst like that"

"The sakamakis need to be kept away from him, we can't remove them as they seem to have their sights on (name) for some reason, I have people looking into it but we have been keeping them at a distance"

"Anything else?"

"If I find anything I'll be sure to let you know" the two were in the dark about (name)s connection to the cursed family, the vampire community knew well of the Sakamakis and their... Frankly horrific ways even by vampiric standards, their father despised that Kaname held more power than him, causing Karlheinz to focus his attention on human things to gain power.

"For now, we do what we can..."

(Name) woke to kaname gently tracing his face, a distant look in his eyes as (name) snuggled into his hand "it's time for your feeding" kaname held the glass of red liquid as (name) sat up and drank it, it never fully satisfied him but it kept the burning in the back of his throat at bay, no longer feeling like he hadn't drank liquid in days but instead just slightly dehydrated. (Name) sat on the bed as Kaname put together clothes for him, his alpha feeling the aggressive need to tend to his omega "you will have to come back to the dorms after classes as Aido is tutoring you but fret not little one, I'll be sure to keep you out of harm's way" (name) felt the wave of tiredness begin, 'these blood tablets were annoying' (name) thought to himself as Kaname put high socks on him, wrapping a ribbon to keep them in place "Could we go to town?" (Name) asked softly, finally speaking to the alpha who was quiet "we will see, we have things to do today" kaname was more concerned about (name) wandering off or getting lost, kaname especially wanted him away from that laito or Shu... They looked at (name) like he was meat.

(Name) hated attending events, keeping up appearances and such "well if you find a mate, maybe they will let you sleep the day away" he was told time and time again "lord Kaname seems to have taken a shine on you" Ruka's mom and (name) mother figure said as she fixed his clothes, dainty clothes for an Omega of his class and (name) tilted his head confused, it seemed that everyone but (name) knew of the Alpha boys of the families feelings towards (name) but himself.

"There's the Sakamaki boys here tonight, son... Do not stray" he urged seriously and (name) nodded as he fidgeted with his collar, worry flooding through his veins as he and his family entered the Kuran manor and all eyes were on him. A male Omega?

Alphas and betas alike wanted him, after all male Omegas were gifted with the ability to create pure bloods no matter what, he was the greatest tool.

But anyone who actually spoke to (name) would know he would be an absolute garbage parent.

"Ah, Mr. Souen!" Karlheinz Sakamaki, an alpha with a reputation that left people with a bad taste in their mouths, the Alpha seeming particularly interested in the Omega, a knowing look in his eyes "your children attend school with mine, yes? I hope you are all getting along well" his words though seemingly innocent were deceptive, seeing if they would cause problems for his sons "I know more purebloods can cause a rift..."

Of course the pureblood card.

A silent threat to not get in his precious pure blood sons way with (name).

(Name) was so tired, dancing and socializing as his friends dragged him around, seating himself in a forgotten corner as he tried to not pass out, maybe Kaname would let him take a nap...

"My my, leaving an unmated Omega alone like this~ fufufu~" (name) felt someone pull him close and looking to see Laito looking at him lustfully "you know it's dangerous to be left alone like this~"

"Where's your human? Shouldn't you be harassing her..." (Name) fired back, he didn't want to deal with this, he didn't need this right now...

"That feedung cattle? She isn't anything ~" he tried to get closer but (name) pushed him away "one would think you would know not to touch an unmarked Omega" (name) could feel himself growing more alert, almost as if the tiredness as seeping away from his bones, god he was hungry "but you let the... Lower bloods touch you, trust me I can touch you far better than them"

"(Name)? There you are" kaname seemed passive but a storm was brewing inside as he looked at Laito distastefully who in turn smirked as (name) stood up as kaname took his hand, the sakamaki not going down without a fight and followed them before taking (name)s arm and pulling him to the dancefloor as the two pure bloods glared at one another, the night class joining the dance and moving towards swiping (name) away.

[asphalt-cocktail]

Lead Us To Temptation- Chapter 3

Chapter 3- Hell Hath No Fury

Summary: In the small town of Eden Ridge, you knew several things to be true: church happened every Sunday, the saloon served free lunch with the purchase of a drink on Thursdays, coal miners left work at 7PM sharp, and Bucky Barnes was a man sent from the depths of hell dangling the threat of temptation and sin right in front of your face. All you need to do is reach out and grab it.

Pairing: Outlaw!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: Fluff, Talks of crime, robbery, crime for hire, talks of violence and guns, kidnapping, talks of past smut, less religion than the previous chapters but its still there. Bucky is a criminal in this so idk what to tell you if you are shocked by the crime. There isn't any gore and nothing is described in graphic detail. Don't worry reader is a badass this is a love story with a happy ending.

Word Count: 2.9k

A/N: I just want to pop in and say how grateful I am for all of the lovely comments, reblogs, tags, and likes I have been getting over the last few weeks! You guys are the ones who keep me writing. I am not doing a tag list, but you can feel free to turn my notifications to get one every time I post a new chapter <3

Masterlist

Read me on AO3

Chapter 1 Chapter 2

Staying in Eden Ridge was probably the longest Bucky had managed to stay in a town and not do something to get run out or have another wanted poster with his face printed on it and slapped on every shop bulletin. 

It was making the boys antsy. They could only hold up so many stagecoaches carrying rich assholes on the outside of town before they got too bored. 

“When are we going to hit the bank Buck? We’ve been here so long the damn seasons have changed.” John’s voice had the uncanny ability of springing a sudden and painful migraine behind Bucky’s eyes anytime he spoke. 

Bucky pinched the bridge of his nose. John pissed him off. “We need to wait a bit before we hit the bank. The ticket seller at the train station mentioned something about a train coming in to transport coal from the mines and take it back east. I guess the coal company is sending some bonds with it because the owner made a deal with Union Pacific.” 

“So what, they’re taking the bonds to the train yard?” 

“I’m glad to see you’re using the brain in that big fucking head of yours John.” To be completely transparent, Bucky harbored a strong dislike for John. 

Their association was almost solely due to John being Steve’s cousin, and Steve’s endorsement was something Bucky didn’t have the heart to dispute. Steve saved his life on more than one occasion. They’d gone through the Civil War together, they experienced the death of both of their parents together. You couldn’t get much closer to a man than that.  

The other reason being was John’s uncanny knack for survival. Despite the dangers of their lifestyle, John seemed to evade death, Bucky reckoned it was because God sure as hell didn’t want him and well, the Devil probably didn’t either so they just left him to do his business in the land of the living until they decided what to do with him.

Bucky was aware that his disdain for John might be uncalled for considering John’s role as the enforcer in their party. John was the one they sent out to take care of the more unsavory business transactions. However, these factors didn’t compensate for the fact that he was just plain weird and unpleasant to be around.

But Bucky was having such a lovely time playing house with you so, naturally he kept his plan to rob your father's train car transporting bonds to the Union Pacific rail yard. Management needed to cash them in and finalize the deal stating they were to use the Eden Coal & Iron as their main supply source. It was a deal that would make your father a very, very rich man. 

Robbing trains was as easy as stealing candy from a baby. An old, half balding, rich, man baby. Bucky could do it in his sleep. He didn’t feel bad about robbing your father. In fact he felt kind of good stealing from that rotten son of a bitch. 

Stealing these bonds would only be scraping the surface of the vast wealth your father accumulated by exploiting the hard working people of Eden Ridge. He was as crooked as crooked could be and there was no amount of praying or church going that would save his soul from the depths of hell once he died, god willing. 

If only you knew how your father treated the hard working miners who toiled in the depths of hell for him. He squeezed 15 grueling hours of labor from them 6 days a week, their backs bowed under the weight of his insatiable greed, all while their families languished in hunger. 

He wasn't the benevolent savior of Eden Ridge, rather, he resembled a vampire, voraciously draining the life force from the Earth and the good hearted denizens of the town you called home. Once he exhausted every able bodied man here, he’d slither away to prey upon the next unsuspecting community. 

Bucky’s plan was simple: wait a day or two several towns away to intercept the train and get to work. But he had to be careful If he got too reckless with his crimes, he’d have to leave. The question loomed in the back of his mind, when he had to leave would you come with? 

When he told you he was leaving to work a job you felt sick, “What do you mean leaving?” 

He cleared his throat and licked his lips, “I need to take the boys to deal with something for a few days. I promise I’ll be back by the end of the week. Two weeks tops.” He said hugging you tight, it pained him to see you worrying so much.

“But what if you don’t come back?” The question punched him in the chest and stole his breath. 

“Now don’t go talking like that.” He scolded you, “I’ll be back I promise.” You swallowed his words like a brick of lead. 

So for seven days you did the only thing you could do and waited. You sought comfort in Sam’s sister Sarah and her friend Natasha, spending most of your free time practicing needle work, reading, and chatting with the women. Sarah was a familiar and friendly face from the local church. Tragically widowed two winters prior, she was left with the responsibility of raising two boys on her own. To your knowledge, she had embraced her brother’s motley crew of friends, offering them sanctuary with open arms.

After your second meeting with Sarah she introduced you to Natasha, the local Madame. It took everything in your power to not turn your nose up at the idea of a woman engaging in sex for money. Your pious thoughts took a back seat when you remembered you were also engaging in sinful premarital acts with a man. 

Not sex though. No. 

Every time you thought today was the day Bucky shut it down. As much of a filthy bandit he was, he was still extremely respectful towards you. He always said he wanted to wait, the moment never felt right.

——

The moon hung low in the inky black sky as Bucky and his crew of bandits moved like vultures closing in on their prey. They moved silently, night as their accomplice- the thick fog veiling their actions, the rhythmic clatter of wheels masking the sounds of struggle. No witnesses meant no loose ends, and Bucky knew it well. 

It was quick. Efficient. 

Kill everyone on the train and then set it back on course so some poor sad sack could clean up the mess left behind. 

When Bucky’s eyes laid upon the bonds, your father’s exceptionally neat handwriting looping on the paper, he grinned like a snake. Peter could easily get a few hundred for the bonds. Having such a young boyish face always made him seem more trustworthy than the other members of the gang. 

To make up for leaving you worried half to death Bucky bought you a lovely hair pin. It was copper with a small decorative flower on the end of it. “If you think all it’s going to take is a pretty hair pin to forgive you, you’re wrong.” You lied through your teeth snatching it from his dirty hands and pinning it into your prayer veil, because of course Bucky returned just in time to take you to Sunday mass and have lunch with your family afterwards. 

Since midweek, your father had been in a downright rotten mood. He’d spent the last few days late at work and when you showed up to the office to bring him dinner he was yelling at his assistant every time without fail. 

“Tell them to double the guards! Put a damn Gatling on the top of the roof! Send the Pinkertons! I don’t care what you have to do, get that money to the train yard.” 

“But sir-“

“I said figure it out god damn it!” The way he slammed his hands on his desk made you jump. 

It wasn’t often your father lost his temper, but when he did it was frightening. 

At lunch your father glared daggers at Bucky while your mother preened over him. It was nice to see things hadn’t changed during his week away committing crime. 

“James, dear, you should work for the mining company!” Your mother kindly suggested, “My husband is always looking for strong young men such as yourself.” 

It took every fiber of his being to not scoff at the thought of selling his soul to the company, “I rather like the ranch work I’ve been doing for Miss Wilson, but thank you ma’am. If I have a change of heart you’ll be the first to know.” 

On the record Bucky was a ranch hand for Sam’s sister, sure he helped out here and there for the woman but he wasn't getting paid for it, your family didn’t need to know that. 

“We have some friends that are ranchers down in Texas, let us know if you ever venture down there and I’ll send a telegram to them for you.” Your mother was a bonafide socialite. She knew people of all walks of life and thrived on making connections for people, “Your horse is trained so well, they could use someone with your talent.” 

“Alpine?” Bucky grinned thinking of his beautiful white mare, she was almost as stubborn as you are, “I have to say she’s probably my second favorite girl.” 

Your father hated seeing Bucky around the house. He hated how Bucky was always a perfect gentleman whenever he came around. It didn’t matter, no daughter of his was going to marry some rough neck, dirty ranch hand if he had any say in it. 

There was something just plain not right with James Barnes and your father was going to get to the bottom of it. 

As it turns out, it took very little effort to find out the history of a career criminal. This was worse than if Bucky was actually a ranch hand, not only was he a criminal, but he robbed the damn train your father used to transport the bonds not once, but twice in the span of two weeks. 

He couldn’t believe he let a man who stole from him into the safety of their home. He couldn’t believe he let a criminal court his daughter (not that he even approved of the courtship). Bucky was probably sitting in his room at the inn laughing and counting the dollar bills that belonged to in his pocket. 

And the image of that pissed him off to no end. 

It pissed him off so much that he paid off a group of bounty hunters to finally deal rid him of the man once and for all. Bucky wasn’t going to come gracefully, but lucky for your father, Bounty hunters had loose morals and business practices much like he did. When he told Brock Rumlow "I don't care how you do it, just get rid of him!" your father didn't know he opened up a new, lawless realm of possibilities.

----

The late summer sun hung low in the sky as you quickened your pace home, the two men behind you following relentlessly, footsteps crunching on the dusty streets. You couldn’t make out their faces as they stayed just out of your line of sight but the feeling in your gut only harbored malevolence and fear. 

Your path meandered through town, twisting and turning to ensure they truly were following you.

Two turns left. Three turns right. Then a detour past the butcher.

Dread settled inside you and you quickened your pace, ragged breaths gasping as you neared the outskirts of town and broke into a full sprint as best you could, bunching your skirts in your arms so as to not trip. The buildings thinned, and the darkness deepened as you drew further and further from the bustling center of Eden. 

Further away from anyone who would hear you scream.

Rough hands grabbed you, forcing a bag over your head as you fought, kicking and screaming. Hissing and spitting like a feral cat. Their powerful builds quickly overpowered you, sitting on your legs as you thrashed trying to squirm away, clawing at the dirt and wedging it under your fingernails and covering your fine dress. Then they tied you, bound your arms and legs and threw you on the back of a horse like a sack of grain.

When the horse finally halted you were dragged off, stumbling and disoriented. The hood was yanked off and you were roughly pushed into a small, dark room. You turned finally able to make out the face of your captors who reeked of sweat and malice. He was tall and broad, skin tanned by the sun, with dark hair and eyes. He would have been handsome if this were any other circumstance.  

Your nostrils flared like an angry bull as you exhaled and spat at him in defiance while he manhandled your still fighting body, “Let go of me!” You shrieked, anger overpowering your feelings of fear. 

How dare they! How dare these filthy men put their hands on you and soil a perfectly good dress. How dare they throw you on a horse with a bag over your head and force you into this filthy damp room. Your rage bubbled over, you’d never felt this level of anger before. But the sheer callous disrespect of a lady pushed you over the edge. 

You should have been afraid, fearing for your life even. But the type of men who did this? Well they were cowards. Lower than the lowest cretin to walk the Earth. 

“Well look at you, now I know why Barnes has taken such an interest in you Missy.” The man in front of you grinned like a snake. His hand trailing your jaw, fingers lingering against your skin, “you’re a little firecracker ain’t you?” 

You turned your head to bite him, teeth snapping together as you snarled.  Ordinarily, you epitomized the quintessence of a respectable lady—devout and pious, a paragon of Catholic virtue. Yet, confronted with this dehumanizing treatment, a primal instinct awakened within. If they insisted on regarding you as a beast, then, in the eyes of the Almighty, you would unleash the ferocity of one. “Let me go.” You hissed, “You… you cretin!”    

The man shoved you roughly away, narrowly dodging your bite, “Easy there ma’am, we ain’t gonna hurt you.” For some reason you had a hard time believing him with the kidnapping, the pushing, the bag over your head, “We just need you to bring us out cash cow.” He said and slid over a wanted poster with an uncanny portrait of Bucky on it.

Oh

Now it all made sense. 

You took the poster and read the script:

WANTED CAPTURED DEAD OR ALIVE James “Bucky” Barnes  For multiple accounts of murder, theft, and fraudulent activities. Known leader of the Barnes Gang, responsible for numerous bank and train robberies across the Midwestern and Western United States. This is a dangerous individual who will not hesitate to murder.  Mid thirties, brown hair, scar on left arm. Last scene heading west towards the Eden Mountain range.  If spotted DO NOT APPROACH; contact local authorities.  Bounty of $5,000

Of course they’d take you as bait to lure a man with a $5,000 bounty and his gang of merry bandits out from hiding. Something told you that these men thought taking down Bucky would be easy. But you knew this would probably be the hardest $10k they were going to make. They’d probably die doing it! And silently you hoped they would.

A man’s head isn’t worth $5,000 because it’s easy work taking him down. It’s worth that much because he won’t hesitate to fucking kill you in the worst way possible. You didn’t know exactly what Bucky was capable of doing, but you couldn’t help the shiver that crept up your spine when your eyes landed on the big, bold DO NOT APPROACH, “I think for your sake, you should let me go.” 

Perhaps there was a touch of madness in relishing the thrill that such a perilous man inspired within you. Yet, it was the very specter of danger that ignited a fervent blaze deep in your core. To you, Bucky was a flame dancing provocatively over a pool of oil—intensely captivating and inherently volatile.

The dark haired man scoffed, “Your beau ain’t the big bad man everyone seems to think he is. Not when he’s got such an easy weakness to exploit.” 

It was true, Bucky was having the time of his life in Eden Ridge playing house with you. He was living in utter domestic bliss.   “If it’s money you want, my daddy will pay you.” You offered. You had to exhaust all your options and if these men were money hungry then your father would be more than happy to give them the $10k for your life. You didn’t know how much money he had exactly, but you knew it was a pretty penny. 

“Sweetheart, your daddy already paid us.” He mocked you. 

You blinked, brain barely able to comprehend the words he said to you. What a weird thing to say. 

Unbelievable even. 

You were going to have to dissect that at a later date when you were in a better position. 

[devilat-thedoor]

What Is and What Should Never Be Ch. 4

A/N: I know this one took awhile and i’m sorry. life has been life-ing😅 I don’t know if anyone has really noticed or cared, but for each chapter, I’ve linked a song that heavily inspired the story for me, whether it influenced the specific chapter or just influenced the storyline in general. I’m always listening to music while I write and it’s where i draw a good bit of inspo from. idk. But I really recommend listening to the songs or at least reading the lyrics💖

Word Count: 7.8k

Warnings: 18+ Minors DNI. No smut this chapter. Toxic Themes(Fighting/Arguing), A lot of angst and a bit of fluff. Nothing else really? just a general sadness…

…Stay a little longer if you convince me and tell me all the things that you have against me // Every time we make up the truth is fading, everybody’s blind when the view’s amazing...

You pulled the visor down, letting the keys drop into your lap. Your chest felt tight and you fought to keep the tears back, blinking them away as they came. As you turned the car on, you realized that you left your bag beneath the counter and it had your wallet with your license and money and cards, but there was no way you could go back into that place. You looked through the windshield as you put the car in drive and saw Josh barreling through the back door, trying to get your attention. Ignoring his waving hands, you drove out of the lot and went straight home.

“Why are you home?” Bellamy was standing in the kitchen when you came through the door and dropped your keys on their hook, “I thought you didn’t get off until 9?” 

You slipped out of your shoes as you turned to her, “Umm. I wasn’t feeling good, so J- I got sent home…” You walked past her to open the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water, “I’m gonna go lay down.”

She caught your arm before you could exit the space, “Don’t lie to me, Y/N. What’s wrong?” She gripped your shoulders, forcing you to face her, “This is the second time you’ve come home upset and I can’t help but think this time also has something to do with Jake. What is it?”

“Bellamy, it’s nothing, I just want to go to bed.” Your voice cracked as you tried to pull out of her hold.

“It’s not nothing. What did he do?” Concern was etched across her face as she stared at you.

You shook your head, trying to hold the tears back again, “He didn’t do anything, Bell, it was me. I fucked up… You told me from the start not to get caught up in them and I didn’t listen. I did this to myself.” You were embarrassed at letting it get to this point. You should’ve just left them both alone and kept it purely professional.

“Hun, I also told you to have fun…” The guilt was creeping over her but it was quickly replaced by her protective nature over you, “Which one of them were you working with? Who’s there now?”

“No. Bell-“

She cut you off, stepping around you to exit the kitchen, “I just want to talk to him. Which one was it?”

Now you were grabbing her arm to yank her back, “Please, Bellamy.” You let out a sigh, “You can’t fight this one for me. I’ll deal with it, I just- Not right now. I wanna forget about it until tomorrow.”

“Okay. Fine.” She released a sigh, nodding her head as she allowed you to exit the room.

You strolled into your bedroom, clicking the door shut, and went straight to your closet. Stripping out of your work clothes, you reached for the one article of clothing that you always sought solace in; Your dad’s old, blue Penn State college hoodie. It was littered with teeny holes and fraying seams, the nittany lion logo peeling away from the fabric, but it still smelled like him. You pulled it over your head, the hem falling to your mid thigh, and held the sleeves over your face to breathe in the familiar and comforting scent.

Grabbing your phone from the dresser, you flicked the light off, crawled into bed and checked your notifications. There was a single message from Josh but nothing from Jake.

Josh 7:21pm: Did i cross a line? What is going on with you and jake?

You 8:02pm: I crossed the line. I’m sorry.

You didn’t wait long enough for a response, just plugged your phone in after turning on Do Not Disturb and laid it facedown. You picked up your laptop from beside the nightstand, opening it up to play some music. After clicking play on a playlist, you put the laptop down beside you and curled deeper into the mattress. The soft organ notes of the first song floated through the room, Cold Heart Killer by Lia Marie Johnson, the lyrics immediately plaguing you with thoughts of Jake.

But my friends keep saying he’s a cold heart killer

Make you crazy, yeah, he’s smooth as liquor

So damn dangerous, I got too close

Oh, I should’ve known better…

You really should have known better but even now, after the constant back and forth, after what he said, the idea of him was still enticing. Pulling the duvet up to your chin, you closed your eyes and willed your brain to conjure up thoughts of anything else, anyone else, but it was no use. Your mind kept wandering back to the night you spent with him, waking up with him, your body longing for the feeling of his draped over it. You gave up on fighting the thoughts and let them run wild until you inevitably fell asleep.

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“Y/N…” Bellamy’s hand was on your back, shaking you awake, “Hey, Jake is here to see you.”

A soft hum vibrated from your chest as you peeked an eye open, not quite registering what she was saying, “M’sleeping, B.” You pulled the blanket up over your head to partially block out the morning light but also to make her go away.

She yanked the comforter away, whisper-yelling, “Jake is in the living room…”

You rolled over, wide-eyed, “No. Get him out.” Sitting up, you pulled yourself from the bed.

“What am I supposed to tell him? He knows you’re here, Y/N!”

Now you were yelling in a hushed tone, “Tell him that I don’t want to see him. Tell him that he’s a fucking dickhead! I don’t give a fuck, Bell, just make him leave.” You pointed at the door to get your point across and watched her slip out and pull it shut behind her. Raking a hand through your hair, you let out a sigh and reached to pull your phone from the charger when your door was flinging open.

“Dude, what the hell is your malfunction?!” You heard Bellamy yell before the door slammed shut and drowned out her shouting.

You whipped around, knowing exactly who you were about to face, “Did you not get the message? Leave.” 

He stood just a few feet away from you, those stupid sunglasses covering his big, dumb, brown eyes and his annoying, soft mouth drooped into a frown. He lifted his hand, holding your bag up, “You left this at the shop…” He was looking around your room and you weren’t sure if it was just out of curiosity or because he was trying to avoid your eyes.

“And you couldn’t just leave it with Bellamy? You had to bring it to my room?” Your tone was growing louder and you thought you saw him flinch, “Or better yet, why bring it at all, Jake? Why make the special trip down here for a whore? That’s what I am, right?”

“No. Y/N-”

“No? But that’s what you said, hun…” You were sure you looked crazy with your wild sleep hair and angry eyes, “I’m just a fucking whore who gets on her knees for everyone, according to you.” You released a humorless laugh as you turned away from him, “Yanno, my dad always said all a man’s got in life are his balls and his word and he shouldn’t break ‘em for nobody…So don’t take it back now, Jake. Own the fuck up to it.”

“Can we just have a conversation like adults? Are you capable of that or does everything have to be a goddamn fight with you?” He grabbed your shoulder, spinning you to face him again, “I wanted-”

You were cutting him off again, ripping yourself from his touch, “Fuck you! I don’t care what you wanted and you made it blatantly obvious that you don’t care what I want.” Your voice dropped, cracking a bit as your emotions became overwhelming, tears prickling in your eyes., “Why are you here, Jake?” You brought your hands up to your face, trying to stop the tears from falling. When he didn’t answer, you dropped your hands to see him coming towards you. He was grabbing your waist with one hand, the other curling around the back of your neck, as he collided his lips with yours. You instantly melted into him, moving your mouth against his without a thought as your fingers desperately searched for any sliver of his skin they could find. He was pulling you in tighter, his thumb pressing into your hip, when you finally realized what was happening. You flattened your palms on his torso and forced him away, “Stop it- Just-”

“Y/N, please…” He reached for you again, but you threw your arms up, blocking his hands.

“Don’t touch me… I want you to leave.” You could hear your voice shake with every word, but you tried to remain stern, “I don’t want to see you anymore, Jake, just let me be.” You finally started crying, unable to hold it back anymore, “Can you please just leave me alone? I can’t do this anymore, I can’t- I need you to leave.” You sat on the bed, letting your head hang as you stared at the floor, watching the hardwood collect the salty droplets from your cheeks.

He stayed rooted in place for a minute or so and you could feel his eyes boring into you, begging you to just look at him and tell him to stay. You saw his old, filthy vans turn around, followed by the sound of the bedroom door opening, “I didn’t mean it, peach. I’m sorry…” Your head snapped up at his dejected voice, but he was already gone, leaving the door to hang open as he left you alone. Just like you asked…

“God, he’s a real piece of work.” Bellamy came into the room after a few moments and found you crying, “Oh babe…” She rushed to your side, sitting down on the bed to hold you, “What did he do?”

“Bell, I just want my dad…” You leaned into her, letting your tears soak into her shirt, “I d-don’t kn-know what to do.”

She took one of her arms away from you to pull her phone from her pocket, “I know, Y/N. Hang on…”  After a few seconds, you heard the facetime calling tone coming from her cell, “It’s not the same, but it’s the best I can do, babe…”

You raised your head just as Bellamy’s dad picked up, “Hey, hon- Oh, it’s both of my girls! How are you guys?” Mr. Cole’s jovial greeting brought a tiny smile to your face.

“We’re okay. Umm… Y/N could really use some advice, dad.” She angled the phone in your direction.

His eyes focused on you through the blurry pixelation, “Awwe, sweet pea, what are you crying for?”

Your heart warmed at the nickname; Your dad graced you with it when you were three years old and took it upon yourself to pick all of the flowers from your mother’s garden. You held them tight in your grasp, running to find your mom on the back porch and presenting what you thought would be a nice gift, Mommy, look what I got for you! When she saw you, covered in soil with fistfuls of the tiny, pink blooms, she was furious. She yelled and threw a tantrum about her precious flowers, but your dad just smiled as he pulled you to the side  of the house and turned the hose on to clean your little fingers off. He looked at your mother with a gentle smile and said, “We can always plant more, honey… But this sweet pea? She’s irreplaceable.” He pinched your chubby cheeks and left a soft kiss on your head and the name stuck. Even after a few years of him being gone, Bell and her family still kept the nickname alive for you.

“I really messed up, papa Cole… Dad would be so disappointed with me.” You put your head in your hands again, shaking with soft cries.

“No, Y/N. There is nothing you could ever do to disappoint him.” He paused, only speaking again once you brought your attention back to the phone, “You were the world to him, his perfect, little sweet pea blossom.” His voice held a solemn tone now, “Talk to me about what’s hurting you, honey.”

After a few more sniffles, your eyes flicked to Bellamy and she gave a gentle, reassuring nod. You know she was dying to know what was going on so she could help. You looked down at your fingers, twisting them together as you started to unload on your best friend and her dad, leaving out the moment in the parking garage, for obvious reasons. “...And Jake saw me kissing Josh and he said some really shitty things…and maybe I deserved it, yanno?” You shrugged, confused by your own feelings, “He made me feel disgusted with myself, but I…can’t stop thinking about him. Part of me still likes him and I hate myself for it…And I like Josh too, of course I like him. He’s so sweet and he’s funny and he doesn’t make me insane, but I just-.” You couldn’t find the right words to describe what you were feeling, but Mr. Cole and Bell both listened to your ramblings with no judgment. “God…I can’t even imagine what dad would say.”

You could tell Bellamy had so much she wanted to say, but her dad spoke up first, “I think he would say that you went with your gut and you shouldn’t punish yourself for that. You may have made a few missteps, but that’s life, Y/N. You can either make decisions with your heart or your head, and though the outcomes may be different, neither choice is wrong… Now given what the boy said, I can confidently say that your father would’ve made him eat his words and his teeth.” He released a soft chuckle. It was times like this when you realized just how close he and your dad were. He could form sentences to sound exactly the same way your father would put them, “Girls, I have to get back to work but you can call me later. I love you both.”

“Love you, dad! I’ll call once you’re home, I wanna see mom too.” She hung up the call after you waved bye and mumbled a ‘love you.’

You flung your arms around your best friend, pulling her backwards to fall into the mattress with you, “Thank you for sharing your dad, B…and thank you for just being you. I wouldn’t be able to get through life without you.” You planted a hard peck on her cheek, making sure to pop your lips when you pulled away.

She forced a grimace as he wiped the wet splotch from her face, “Pea, my dad loves you like you’re his own, hell you practically are. I don’t think of it as sharing. You’re my sister, you know that.” She rolled on top of you, grasping your face to return a sloppy peck to the middle of your forehead, “I’m gonna make some breakfast. You hungry?” She popped up from the bed, heading for the door.

“No. I’m gonna shower and try to get my shit together.” You pushed yourself to stand and snatched your phone from the nightstand. The screen illuminated as you pulled the charging cord, showcasing a few text notifications. You pulled the old hoodie off and folded it, tucking it back into the safety of your closet for the next time you’ll need it, and made the short walk to your bathroom. Allowing the water time to heat up, you finally opened the new messages, three from Josh, one from Jake…

Josh 8:11pm: Y/N i wanted that kiss but if there’s something between you and my brother then tell me. Why did he say that?

Josh 8:32pm: Can you at least answer me to tell me you made it home okay? You were crying when you left

Josh 12:02am: Okay I’m trying to give you space but I’m going a little crazy worrying about you Y/N please

A new kind of pain rippled through your chest at his messages and you knew you owed him an explanation.

You 10:56am: I’m sorry, Josh. I didn’t mean to worry you. I made it home and just went to bed early. There was something with me and Jake or at least I thought there was. I never should’ve kissed you the first time, it wasn’t fair to either of you. I’m just really confused about my feelings.

You hit send and swiped out of the thread to read Jake’s single message, only it wasn’t a text, it was a voice message. Your heart dropped into your stomach as you clicked play to listen, his slurred speech coming through the speaker.

Jake 2:35am: *inaudible grumbling* … Youuuu… ha ha…. You really have me soooo *hiccup-burp* so fucked up… I don’t know hoooow you do it, peach…ha ha ha ha…peeeeeach. *glass clattering* You love it when I call you th-that. My sweet pea- *hiccup* My sweet peach… But you’re not miiiiine, are you? Nooooo. Naaaah. You’re too good for me…drive me fucking craaaazy, baby… *childish giggle* You and that goddamn mouth…just love to… press… my but- *droning snore* Shit…*more grumbling* ha ha. She…loves it…

What the fuck…

You listened to it again. And then again. The bathroom was filled with steam by the time you put your phone down and stepped into the shower. His message continued to replay in your head, the nauseating rush of butterflies growing more powerful each time you thought over it. You had him fucked up??? Did he even know what kind of effect he had on you? You finished washing up and pulled a towel around you to go back to your room. Sitting on the edge of your bed, you let his voice play one more time, catching on one thing that hit you with a head rush; Your nickname. Albeit accidental, caught in a boozy hiccup, but it was there. Spoken through Jake’s lips with that intoxicating rasp that made you weak in the knees. But it didn’t matter… None of it mattered anymore because you sent him away, told him to leave you be and that’s what he did. Would you have acted differently if you’d heard his message before he’d shown up? You shook your head, trying to dispose of the thoughts altogether, and started getting dressed.

When you walked into the kitchen, Bellamy was sitting on the counter, eating a bagel, “Hey, babe…” She mumbled cautiously around her bite of food.

You looked up at her as you pulled the fridge open, “What’s up?”

“Would you be like…upset if maybe…Sam came over later?” She lifted her shoulders, bracing for you to tell her that you would absolutely be upset, but it was the complete opposite.

You chuckled at her, “Bell, of course not.” Grabbing a string cheese, you closed the door and leaned on the counter beside her, “I love that weird little guy.” There was a pause and you turned your head to see her smiling shyly as she typed on her phone, “You like him don’t you?”

She looked up at you, her smiling growing, “I think I do, Y/N. Don’t tell him that, I can’t let it go to his head.” She bumped your shoulder with her own, laughing quietly, “We’ve been hanging out a lot when our schedules line up. Most of his classes are either early morning or early afternoon. He goes to CCA.”

“Oh yeah, you said he’s majoring in photography, right?”

“Yeah! He’s actually really fucking talented too…Hang on.” Bellamy held her phone up, opening instagram to find his account, “Look at these pictures, they’re unreal.”

You took the phone from her and scrolled through the array of photos. A mix of landscapes and portraits, even a few wildlife. You were quickly noticing how much he favored film over digital, but nevertheless, his talent was undeniable. Scrolling for a few more seconds, you were about to give her phone back when one portrait grabbed your attention. You tapped on the tiny square to get a full view. Jake. A black hat, wild hair and an intimidating glare, his eyes staring straight into the lens. He looked exactly like the Jake you knew, yet different…younger maybe? You slid out of the app and handed your friend the cell, “You’re right, he does have talent. Those are all amazing.” You looked away, peeling the wrapper from your string cheese.

She clicked on instagram again, the screen popping right back to the photo of Jake, “Don’t do this to yourself, sweet pea… He doesn’t deserve you, not with the way he treats you and definitely not after what he said.” She jumped down from the counter with a sigh, “You have to understand that, babe. You are worth so much more than what he’s reducing you to.”

You wanted to argue, to tell her that he wasn’t the guy she thinks. He was sweet in his own warped and twisted way. She thought he was sadistic…maybe he is…but not always. Not in the way he held your hand or how he always made sure you had lunch when you worked with him. The way his tongue would beg for permission before slipping against your own…But arguing was no use, she made up her mind about him, “Yeah, Bell. I know…I uhh- I’m gonna go get a coffee and maybe check out a few of the local shops.” You turned away and stalked out of the kitchen, wanting nothing more than to escape everything for a bit, “I’ll be back later. Love you.”

After getting your coffee, you wandered through the streets, slipping in and out of different locally owned stores. You found a cute little thrift store that you wound up spending over an hour in, sifting through vintage t-shirts and knick knacks that could be considered relics. When you finally started your trek back home, it was slipping into early evening. The apartment was too quiet when you entered and you found Bellamy napping on the couch. Deciding to let her be, you went into your room and followed suit, stripping out of your clothes to pull on an oversized tee and some boxer shorts, and fell into bed for a nap of your own. You opened your music app and clicked on your ‘Dad’s Favorites’ playlist, being met with the distortion heavy opening of War Pigs by Black Sabbath. Placing the phone on the opposite side of the bed, you snuggled beneath the warm blanket and allowed yourself to drift.

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*bzzbzzzzzbzzbzz*

You woke up to the feeling of your phone vibrating beside your head. Snatching it up from the pillow, you squinted through tired eyes, focusing enough to swipe the button and lay the device over your ear with a groggy, “Hello?”

“Y/N, hey…You answered��”

You shot up into a sitting position, pulling the phone in front of your face to be sure it was who you thought. Slowly bringing it back to your ear, you squeezed your eyes shut, “Josh… What’s up?” You tried to sound normal but you’re sure he could hear the anxiety in your voice.

“I wanted to apologize for not texting you back earlier, the store was slammed all day. We did really good in sales, but the order is gonna be a bitch to put away next friday.” The casual conversation threw you off a bit, but you were lying if you said it wasn’t comforting.

Your nerves eased at his usual joyous tone, “That’s great about the sales, though. And if you need me to come in to help out with the delivery, I’d be more than happy to, Josh.”

“Y’know, I might hold you to that, especially since I don’t know where to pick up with your organizing in the storage room.” You could hear his smile through the phone, but then there was a shift, “Hey, listen…” You braced yourself for what was coming, staying silent, “I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable about anything. I like you, Y/N… You’re cool as hell and such a sweetheart. But if there’s business between you and Jake, I’ll step back.”

You released the breath you didn’t realize you were holding, “I like you too, Josh, really…and not just as my boss, but-” You took a pause, not really sure what to say, “It just that- Jake and me, whatever it is or was…it’s unresolved and I don’t know where we stand right now.” You dropped your voice to a whisper, the bleak shame settling in, “I made a complete mess of everything and I don’t know how to begin to fix any of it…”

“There’s nothing to fix with me, consider the slate clean. As for him… Jake is easy. Just ask him.” He stated it so plainly, like it was the most obvious answer, “I know he wears his bad guy mask pretty well, but it’s just an act. He’s not good when it comes to feelings ever since-.” He stopped like he was about to share something sacred, “He just has a hard time dealing with his emotions. You have to push a bit and he will push back, but he can only fight for so long. I promise, I know exactly how he is.”

“I don’t know…” You fell back against the pillows, talking to Josh like he was your middle school best friend, “He’s so confusing, Josh. Just when I start believing that he likes me, he’s saying mean things or he’s flirting with Olivia. I just can’t help but feel like he only serves to hurt me.” You sat up again, realizing how shitty all of this probably was for him to hear, “Fuck. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t-”

He was quick to shut you down, “Don’t fucking apologize. This is the shit friends talk about. We’re friends, aren’t we?” He let out a breathy laugh and put on a valley girl accent, almost like he was mocking Olivia, “Baaabe, like, you know that, you can tell me, like anyyyything.” When he heard you giggling he broke character, “Okay, seriously, Y/N. Just talk to him and find out where his head is at. If not for yourself, do it for me…If he doesn’t want what you’re selling, I know somebody who’s dying to take it off the market.” He was laughing again, a sweet, melodic sound, “Listen, I gotta get everything cleaned up for closing but I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

You were smiling wide, feeling the hot blush spread across your face, “See you tomorrow, boss… and thank you, Josh. This- I like being able to talk to you, it’s nice.”

“Feelings mutual, Y/N. Goodnight.” He hung up the phone before you could respond.

Pulling the phone from your ear, you checked the time, feeling a comforting warmth spread through your body. 8:39pm. You slept a lot longer than you wanted to, but you felt great after the conversation with Josh. Flinging the duvet from yourself, you rolled out of bed and heard voices coming from the living room. You stretched your limbs as you remembered that Bellamy invited Sam over and made your way out to say hi. They were both on the couch, Sam leaned back with his bare feet kicked up on the coffee table and Bell, stretched across the cushions, with her legs over his. You stepped closer, making your presence known, “Made yourself right at home, huh, Sam?” You said it with a laugh so he would know you were joking.

“I actually did, yes. The moving truck is downstairs, I was waiting for you to wake up to help carry the big stuff.” He flipped his palms up with a shrug, “I’m surprised you’re not spending the night with Jake since he has tomorrow off.”

Bellamy pulled her legs from his lap to sit up, smacking his arm, “You’re brother is a dickhead, Sammy. She’s done with him.” She said it with finality, like she was making the decision for you.

He dropped his feet to the floor, looking from her to you, “Wait, what did I miss? Weren’t you guys like-.” He poked his fingers together, making kissy noises.

“I thought we were, but shit happens, I guess?” You dragged a hand over your face with a sigh.

Bellamy popped up, “He made her think that he liked her and then practically called her a whore. Not to mention the way he flirts with that other girl.” She shuffled around his legs to walk to the kitchen, “I’m gonna grab another beer, do you want one, babe?” She pointed at him, receiving a nod in return as she disappeared through the doorway.

When you turned back to him, his eyes narrowed, giving you a questioning stare and prompting you to tell him what happened, “Look, Sam, I don’t know, okay? We hangout, have fun, and then he changes in a flash and becomes this malevolent force that just loves to jumble my brain. I can’t do it, the back and forth, it’s- He’s fucking twisted but…I still feel this pull towards him, I hate it.”

Sam sat up straight on the couch, “He’s got some shit to work out, that’s for sure… And I don’t know all sides to the story, but there’s something you have to understand about Jake.” He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he looked up at you, “He’s barely even looked at a woman since his last girlfriend. Yeah, he flirts, he’s had hookups, but it’s never serious, not to him.”

“Nothing excuses what he said, Sam.” Bellamy chimed in as she came out of the kitchen, “He’s been treating her like trash since the minute he met her. Brother or not, you can’t sit here and defend him.” She handed him the IPA and sat down beside him.

“Bellamy, just let him talk. I wanna hear this.” You sunk into the chair opposite the couch and turned your attention back to Sam, “What were you saying?” You ignored your best friend’s scoff as you encouraged him to continue.

Twisting the cap from his bottle, he took a long drink before speaking up, “I’m not defending him. I just think there’s a reason that he’s acting like this.” He took another drink and placed the beer on the table, “His last girlfriend, Ivy, she really fucked him up. They were together for four years, really fucking lovey dovey.” Sam shook his head as he recalled, “We all kind of thought they were a forever deal, even mom and dad. Jake was so deep in love, he talked about moving across the country with her because she wanted to live in New York… Two years in and he was gonna drop his entire life to stay close to her.” He paused, scratching his chin, “He’ll kill me for telling you this.”

“Sam, please. Help me understand.” You stood up again, pacing back and forth, “Explain to me what I could’ve done for him to treat me like this, because I can’t keep forgiving his behavior. He’s letting me in, making me feel like he might really want me, just to push me away again. Over and over, and I can’t do it, I won’t.” You were rambling out of pure anxiety and frustration, “It’s not fair… I made it clear that I liked him, that I wanted him. We had fun on his birthday…at least I thought we did. We stayed up all night, completely wrapped up in one another, then the next thing I know, he wakes up a completely different person and kicks me out? I mean, what the hell was that?” You stopped to take a breath and Sam was quick to raise a question.

“Wait, you- He let you stay the night?” His confusion was clear as you nodded your head, “Like, slept in the same bed?”

Now you were confused, “Yeah… He begged me to stay. Not that he really had to.” Your shoulders dropped in defeat, “It was kind of sweet, when I woke up, I mean.” A faint smile appeared as you remember the warmth of his body draped over you, “He was out cold, laying on top of me. Fuck, he was like, clinging to me. But then he woke up and it was like a switch flipped… He pushed away from me, wouldn’t even look at me. I tried to ask him what was wrong, he gave some bullshit excuse and practically told me to get the fuck out.” You wrapped your arms around yourself as you stood in the middle of the room.

Bellamy stood up and came over to you, “He kicked you out after you slept with him? Why didn’t you tell me that when I picked you up, babe?” She was mad, that was clear, “I would have went straight up there and beat his ass. What an asshole!”

“We didn’t have sex…” Your voice was quiet as you stared out to the balcony, “But we still did things… That’s why I didn’t say anything. I felt used and I was embarrassed, Bell…”

“You didn’t sleep with him and he still let you stay? All night?” Sam was standing now too, trying to connect the pieces.

You released a huff of annoyance at having to repeat yourself, “No, I didn’t sleep with him and yes, I stayed all night. We made out, cuddled, wrestled a little bit and listened to music and then we fell asleep in the same bed, wrapped up in each other. Any more questions?” Pulling away from your friend, you stalked towards the sliding door to get a breath of air.

“He likes you, Y/N… Like, really fucking likes you.” Sam let out a chuckle and you turned around to glare at him, “No, I’m serious! It makes sense now!”

“No it doesn’t, Sam! Nothing makes sense!”

He flinched at your loud tone, “It does though…” He held his hands up in defense, waiting for you to lash out, but you stayed quiet, allowing him to explain, “Jake doesn’t let himself get close to anyone anymore. Not since Ivy. He barely hooks up, but when he does, it’s always some girl he meets in a bar that he knows he’ll likely never have to see again and he’s sending them home the minute he’s finished. Then here you come.” He was smiling like he solved an impossible puzzle, “I knew something was up with him. That day that I met you, when you came into the store and he forced me out?” You nodded to let him know that you remembered, “He was off his game. Normally, nothing can bother Jake, he’s always so sure of himself. But he was messing things up, putting shit where it didn’t go, and just overall in a shitty mood. Kept checking his phone and staring at the clock… Then you came in and there was this shift. For someone who doesn’t know him, it wouldn’t have been noticeable, but I noticed.”

You thought back on it for a moment, “You said he was on edge because of me…I wanted to ask what you meant but he was shoving you out the door before I got the chance.”

“I just kind of forgot all about it, but him sleeping with you- or not sleeping with but- well, you know what I mean.” He was waving his hands to get his point across, “Anyways… You said he kicked you out in the morning?” Nodding your head slowly, you told him about the entire interaction you had with his brother that Sunday morning, “He got freaked out. That’s it, I’m telling you!”

“Freaked out about what? He woke up with the same girl he asked to spend the night. What is there to get freaked out about?” Bellamy stared at Sam with her eyebrows raised high, clearly frustrated.

He slapped his palm over his forehead, “How can I simplify this…” He took a deep breath, “Jake hasn’t wanted anything past sex with women for two years. After Ivy, he changed. He-he’s closed off, doesn’t let anyone in, doesn’t let himself get close to people or let people get close to him. Ivy fucked him up, destroyed his trust.” He was talking with his hands, waving them around as he explained, “But he likes you and he refuses to admit it to himself. That’s why he freaked, because when he woke up, all cuddled up with you, it scared him. He’s afraid to get close to you because he thinks you’re gonna hurt him just like she did, Y/N.” Sam tossed himself onto the couch with a grin, proud of himself for cracking the case.

You let it all soak in, but something was still digging at your brain, “What did Ivy do to him, Sam?” You didn’t know what Jake was like before, but the way his little brother described it, she must’ve done a good bit of damage.

“That’s something he’s gonna have to tell you himself, it’s not my place.” He shrugged, leaving it at that, before grabbing Bellamy’s hand to pull her down on his lap, “Sorry, Y/N.”

You were fiddling with your fingers in silence for a few minutes while they both stared at you, completely lost in your own head. Your eyes went back to the balcony door as you gazed out at the city lights and then you were moving, heading for the front door and slipping your vans on. Bell called after you, asking what you were doing, but you just grabbed your keys from the hook and left.

💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿💿

“Come on…” You had been standing outside for at least 20 minutes, waiting for somebody to come through the front door of the building so that you could slip in. You tried calling Jake multiple times, but he would just send you straight to voicemail every time. Just as you were about to give up completely, by some stroke of luck, a man was coming outside. You rushed to get into the door before it shut and went straight for the stairwell, running up to Jake’s floor. When you made it to his door, you hesitated, wondering if what you were doing was a bad idea. Pushing the nerves aside, you shook out your hands to wrangle your nerves before leaving three knocks against the door. You could hear him shuffling around inside, but he wasn’t answering the door. You knocked again. No Answer. Refusing to leave without talking to him, you reached for the doorknob, chancing it with a slight twist. You were surprised when it turned and the door popped open, “Jake?” You said it quietly, unsure if you should have gone in at all. Closing the door softly, you walked a little further in, calling his name a bit louder, “Jake…”

“What the fuck are you doing here?” He came out of the kitchen and walked by you, straight into the living room, making no move to send you back out, “How did you get in?”

You kicked your shoes off by the door and went after him, “You weren’t answering and it was unlocked. You ignored my calls… I need to talk to you.”

Jake was slumped into the couch, a bottle of bourbon in his hand, “Now you wanna talk. Convenient.” He scoffed, lifting the bottle to his mouth for a short chug, “You said you didn’t wanna see me, told me to leave you alone. So I did. Now you can repay that fucking courtesy.” His voice was calm, not the slightest hint of aggression despite his words.

You inched closer until you were standing at the end of the couch, looking down at him, “Tell me about Ivy.” You watched his eyes go wide as he swallowed hard, “What did she do to you, Jake?”

“Who the fuck- I’m gonna kill Josh.” He sat up, slamming the bottle on the coffee table with a bang, “There’s nothing to tell. It’s in the past and it’s nobody’s fucking business.” Now his chest was rising and falling hard, angry huffs pushing through his nose.

You didn’t come here to upset him, you came for clarity and he was the only one who could provide it. You put on the softest tone you could muster, “Baby, look at me…” His eyes flashed to you, a sad vulnerability in them that made your heart ache, “Why do you pull me in just to push me away? Tell me what she did, Jake, please.” He started to shake his head as you took a seat beside him, but you reached down, carefully taking his hand in yours, “How did she hurt you?”

He stared down at your hand wrapped around his, your thumb rubbing over his knuckles, “She left. That’s all people do is fucking lie and then leave.” He picked the bottle back up for another drink.

“Jake, I’m not leaving. I’m-“

“But you still lied, Y/N! You fucking lied right to my face!” His tone made you wince.

You pulled your hand from his, taking his face instead, “You’re right, I did. I’ll own up to that, Jake. I lied and I’m sorry.” You tilted his head, forcing him to look at you, “I can’t take that back, but you have to know it was only twice. I kissed him before I came into work and I don’t know why I did it, but then he came back and it happened again and I just-… You have my mind so messed up.” You watched him roll his eyes, ready to argue, “I’m not blaming you, I made the choice, that was all me. But you’re not entirely innocent either.”

He gripped your wrists gently, removing your hands from his skin, “I don’t know what you want me to say. What do you want to hear, Y/N?” He was lifting the bottle back to his lips when you snatched it from his hands.

“I just want the truth, Jake! You fucking string me along and just when i start to fall a little bit for you, thinking you might catch me, you cut the fucking string and leave me to fall on my face.” You put the bottle on the far end of the table, away from him, “If Sam’s right and you’re just afraid that I’ll hurt you, then tell me that. But if it’s all just some game, then it’s over. You don’t get to question me about what I’m doing or who I’m doing it with, it’s not fair!” Your voice was rising out of pure frustration, but he remained quiet, staring at the floor, “Tell me what you want, Jake… If you want me to leave, I will walk out that door right now and you’ll never have to see me again.” You waited for him to say something, anything, but he was silent, still avoiding your gaze, “Okay… I’ll text Josh my resignation.” Standing from the couch, you looked down at him, giving him one more chance before heading for the door.

Just as you slid your shoes on and grasped the doorknob, his hand was grasping onto your shirt, tugging you backwards, “Please don’t go.” His big brown eyes were pleading with you, holding all the emotions that his words couldn’t carry, “It’s not a game… Not anymore. I-.” He paused, fighting to find what he wanted to say, “I’ll tell you about her, just- Not tonight… Don’t make me talk about it tonight, peach.” He sounded so deflated, the complete opposite of the Jake you’d come to know.

“Okay.” Your hands went to his arms, sliding up over his shoulders to cup his face, “We don’t have to talk about her tonight, baby, it’s okay.” You kept a gentle tone, guiding your arms around his neck to pull him into an embrace. Despite the tension keeping his body stiff, you held him close, “Do you want me to stay, Jake?”

His movements were hesitant, but he slowly brought his arms up, circling them around your waist, “I do.” His face was buried in your neck as he mumbled the two words.

“Are you still gonna want this in the morning?” It came out a whisper.

“I will.” His body finally began to relax against you, “Promise. That night you stayed, my birthday…” His was still murmuring against your throat, “I slept so well. For the first time in so long.” He was tightening his arms around you as the confession spilled from his mouth.

“Then why did you kick me out?” You brought your hands back to his shoulders, trying to push him away so you could look at him, but his grip remained locked.

Jake released a soft sigh, “That shirt you picked to wear- the old store shirt… That’s the one she always reached for.” His lips were tickling over your skin as he spoke in a solemn tone, “When I woke up, I was groggy. I saw the shirt, your body underneath me…felt like the last time I woke up with her and it made me sick.” He finally lifted his head from your neck, meeting your eyes, “When I came out of the bathroom, I wanted to tell you to stay but the look on your face… I knew you’d want an explanation and I couldn’t-.”

“Whatever she did, whatever pain she caused you,” You held his liquor-blushed cheeks, “I’m not here as a reminder, let me help you forget it, Jake… Just let me in.”

“I’ll try” He let his head fall back into the crook of your neck, letting the silence take over as he breathed you in. You held onto him, pulling your fingers through his tangled hair, until he finally spoke up again, “Can we go to bed, peach?”

His arms tightened around your waist again as he lifted you from the floor. You wrapped your legs around him, keeping a grip on his shoulders as you whispered, “Yeah, baby. Let’s go to bed.” Allowing him to carry you into his bedroom and kick the door shut behind him.

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🤍Taglist🤍

@jakekiszkasbuttsweat @ieatedasammy @twistedmelodies @dropdeadalyx31 @ageofbajabule @ohgodthefeeling-gvf @ignite-my-fire @becinabubblegvf @literal-dead-leaf @sanguinebats @myleftsock @laneygvf @writingcold @sinarainbows @lipstickitty @giraffehippy @jakesmustache @gracev0609 @gretavansara @profitofthedune @gvfmarge @brookekiszkaa @earthgrlsreasy @welllauragvf @takenbythemadness @swim2shore

[queerfanfiction]

Love Notes (Ch. 5)

Larissa Weems x musicteacher!Reader We have an angsty chapter here, oops. Also, thank you all for being patient as I got back to writing! It took getting pneumonia to unblock writer's block somehow? Idk. Make it make sense.

AO3 link

In between moments not with Larissa, you worked on orchestrating the big reveal and scavenger hunt. There were a lot of moving parts to your plan, and it would take some secrecy to enact, because you were pretty sure you’d have to involve other people. The question remained of who you could trust to involve…

Eventually you and Larissa go into Jericho together. It felt like the most normal outing, the two of you laughing about something in the car ride over and planning how to continue your adventures and treats into the new semester. Spending time with Larissa came so naturally. Sure, you still felt killer butterflies when she stole a glance at you, but it felt right. That’s the only way you knew how to describe it.

While she briefly meets with the mayor and does a follow up interview with a new affiliate therapist for Nevermore, you planned to check out the florist shop for her favorite flowers. Even though you’re a few weeks out from your ideal time to unveil the mystery, you’re not sure if securing lilies would be possible so early in the spring.

Through the windows of the town hall, Larissa sees you chatting outside with the local florist. A man with an apron on and the kind of scruffy looking beard that seemed like it was naturally charming but actually took work to achieve. Larissa knew almost everyone in Jericho personally by now, but all she had known about him is that many of the women around town fancied him.

At that moment, you had casually touched his arm, like he was an old friend. What was that? she mused, oblivious that the therapist in front of her had finished answering her question. Her mind wandered to whether or not you fancied him.

“Larissa?” The voice brought you out of your pondering.

“Apologies! I was simply considering how wonderful it will be for students to be able to confide in someone again, especially after the year they’ve had.” Larissa’s scrambling to save her indiscretion was believable, so believable that her conversation partner smiled wide and thanked her for her consideration and support in their employment.

Placated and wrapping up the meeting, Larissa resumed pilling through her memories to discern if you had ever mentioned the florist before. She was certain you hadn’t. An ache began to creep into her heart when she considered, Is this why you pushed to come to Jericho?

After finishing her conversation with the mayor, Larissa waits in the foyer of the town hall to watch your interaction with the man before heading to the Weathervane. Larissa began to get lost in thought again, Why do I care? I’m not involved. In fact, you owed me nothing. You’re not mine. I mean, no one has a claim over anyone. That notion is an archaic and patriarchal way of thinking—one that doesn’t value consent and agency. Larissa sighed and pushed open the heavy wooden door to leave.

Not knowing Larissa had been watching you, you chatted with James, the florist you had just met. While you didn’t offer the identity of the person, you let him in on your entire plan and hopes for the flowers in the scavenger hunt.

At first you thought he would be more rugged and standoffish, but his eyes lit up at the mention of using his flowers in a surprise. He promised he would have as many lilies available that I needed and that he could help arrange anything else for the reveal.

“A hopeless romantic, huh?” you gleamed at him, not knowing how to explain what his kindness and support meant to you. James blushed a bit and peered at you between strands of hair falling in his eyes. He finally confessed, “I suppose so” accompanied by a massive grin.

It felt nice to be able to plan with someone. You’ve been holding your feelings close to your chest around others; you weren’t sure if Larissa felt similarly or if she would be guarded against public acknowledgement being the head of the academy. Overwhelmed with gratitude, you risked holding out your arms for a hug while muttering a quick “thank you” that was warmly received. 

You meet Larissa in the Weathervane about 15 minutes later after getting James’s number to coordinate for later. You practically skip in and kiss her on the cheek, having been so excited to have set a plan in motion for the scavenger hunt.

“Hello!” Peck. “How was the interview?”

“Productive,” Larissa gives in a slightly standoffish tone. You wonder if she is angry you kept her waiting. She had just finished ordering when you came in from the flower shop, possibly growing frustrated of sitting around waiting.

Worry nestles in your chest when you hear her respond to the barista that her drink is to go. You and Larissa had planned to drink your beverages in a booth to chat and then stroll around town before heading over to the local book shop together. When Larissa ordered the drink to go, it felt like confirmation that you had done something to upset her.

Larissa didn’t have a lot of experience with the feeling that she could only consider jealousy. She would normally be over the moon to have been gifted a cheek kiss by you. Instead, Larissa could feel herself shifting into irritable bitch mode due to not knowing what to make of your flirting with the florist. She felt powerless to stop the mood change. A million thoughts run through Larissa’s mind, but she’s not in the mood for talking—she feels too vulnerable.

“Are you okay, Larissa?” Your voice rings out, marked with concern, when Larissa didn’t turn to you or explain more about her meeting.

“Yes, why?”

Her curt response made you feel hopeless, made you question whether or not you were being too sensitive to the difference in her demeanor. “I thought we were going to stay and drink our hot chocolates here.” You aimed for a hopeful tone, not knowing if you succeeded.

Still not meeting your gaze, Larissa answered exasperatedly, “I have too much work to do after the meeting with the mayor. I can’t waste time with you anymore. I need to get back to Nevermore; would you like a ride?”

You looked as though you were just slapped across the face. Waste time? Where was this coming from? You were a waste of time to her? Thoughts engulfed you, and you felt a knob begin to form in your throat. Has Larissa been biding the time until students return and save her from spending time with you? You couldn’t speak; you knew your voice would betray you. Your eyes were beginning to sting.

All you could muster in response to Larissa’s question was a vigorous head shake and a “mmm-mm” to signal that no ride was needed. You couldn’t sit through the ride back to Nevermore with her and be detached to your emotions bubbling up right now.

You decided to risk a glance at Larissa to study her face. Maybe you were imagining this? Her features were hardened with no legible expression as she waited to receive her hot chocolate.

The seconds that you two stood there in silence seemed to drag on. The certitude of her statement and following question made you feel like you were expected to leave her side or sit back down unaffected. You’ve had moments where you were sheepish or awkward around the woman in front of you, but none of those times could compare to the thick, uncomfortable quality that surrounded you now.

When the worker behind the counter called out that a hot chocolate was ready, Larissa surged forward to seize the drink and turn on her heels in departure. No goodbye, just the fading clicks of her shoes against the floor tiles.

You watched her go, suddenly not craving the drink you were excited to imbibe minutes before. The ease and comfort you felt and championed in her presence shrank away. Confusion and hurt took its place. You shuffle to another booth than the usual one you and Larissa sat at. It felt too fragile to slide into the familiar space, as if it would flake away and crumble the memories you had there.

Taking a few moments to process, you turned to watching people come in and out of the Weathervane. A few families, teens, surprisingly more people in business suits than you’ve ever seen before. You had hoped to feel comforted by sharing space out in the world instead of retreating, but loneliness still gnawed at you—invaded you.

After about 20 minutes of waiting for the sadness to pass, you resigned to going back to campus grounds. You made your way home from the cafe, luckily giving Larissa enough time to drive back and get settled, which ensured you wouldn’t run into her when you arrived. You didn’t know if you could handle that.

Finally shuffling into your living quarters, you collapsed on the bed, not bothering to change or remove your boots. Your hands made their way to your scrunched up, wet face but not before pulling the covers far up around your head as they could go.

—

Larissa felt regret seep up her chest immediately. Her jaw locked as she waited for her drink, sensing how absurd her behavior was. She bit down on the flesh of her cheek inside her mouth in an attempt to silence her racing thoughts. When her drink was ready, she snatched it and fled. She couldn’t bear to look into your eyes or see the hurt or confusion on your face that she knew would be there.

Once in the vehicle and driving out of the town square, she reviewed her tone, the coldness she used with you. How could she explain that it was a front—a scramble for control? How could she repair the damage without addressing why she lashed out in the first place? Did she just ruin the most consistent source of joy and support she’s ever had in her life?

The questions in her head became too much, and she had to pull off the road to steady her ragged breathing. Her grip on the steering wheel showcased the whitest knuckles she’d ever seen. She felt like she had to escape but no amount of distance was enough.

Memories of your time together over the last few weeks darted behind her eyelids. She had grown so close to you, never considering that she was falling into old patterns. Getting over Morticia almost broke her. If she came unraveled by losing a high school love, what chance did she have of making it out of whatever she had for you? Seeing how close you and the florist were evoked a reaction that she couldn’t have anticipated.

Rather, your utter endearing nature with her after witnessing you with the florist is what solidified her outburst. It felt tragic and unfair to be in such close proximity to what she desired yet completely out of reach. To make it back to Nevermore, she had to dissociate—give herself over to some sort of autopilot. Once she arrived, Larissa rushed inside the large wooden doors to her office and leaned exhaustedly against the door, finally giving herself over to her emotions now that she was in the safety and seclusion of her office.

For the first time in nights, you both occupied your respective rooms, crawling into otherwise empty beds.

—

The following morning, you feel how tight and raw your eyes are from crying through the night. Leaving the bed doesn’t seem in the cards today. Instead, you curl up trying to keep warm now that you don’t have Larissa’s body heat to wake up to.

Knowing its a bad idea, you roll over and let your mind think of yesterday. Maybe she was just using you to distract herself while she recovered. She’s not exactly spoiled for choice with everyone gone for winter break. You probably haven’t meant as much to her as she has meant to you. …Would coming clean about authoring the mix CDs be ill advised then? Or should you still put the mystery to rest, allowing closure for you both? As your mind went back and forth, you couldn’t help but consider how authentic Larissa seemed when you two spent time together. You wanted to hold onto that.

Time passed so slowly laying there. You were scared to leave your room to shower, to eat, to go to the orchestra room. Of course you didn’t want to see the object of your pain and hurt, but you also couldn’t muster up the energy to do anything—even within the confines of your living space.

Days went by until you finally had to get up to shower and do laundry. Your room was starting to stink and you didn’t want students coming back to campus to suspect anything is remiss. You gathered your things and tiptoed to the faculty showers. Thankfully it was empty for you to slip into the farthest stall away with a half crescent stained glass window.

You stand in the corner of the stall to turn on the water and wait for it to warm up. Once you deemed the water hot enough, you stepped into the stream and closed your eyes, rolling your neck in and out of the water. For a few minutes you stood still, letting the the water run down your back, scorching the skin. Steam rose to caress the stained glass above you.

Meanwhile, what you didn’t know was that Larissa treaded carefully too. She had tried not to seek you out, yet she was wary of and half expected to see you everywhere she went. She took tabs of where you might be, and you weren’t in the faculty lounge, the library, the courtyard, the entrance hall, or even the shared dorm spaces when she was there. Larissa even found herself walking past the orchestra room only to be met with silence.

—

About a week after the incident at the Weathervane and a couple days after your shower and laundry excursion, you decide to attempt to leave your room again.   With students arriving back on campus and a new semester rapidly approaching, you needed to figure out your syllabus and compositions. You slid on a blazer over a crisp white button up and slowly headed to your once familiar safe haven—the music room.

Once inside the space, you immediately feel terrible for being away from it for so long. There it was waiting patiently to comfort you and build new soundscapes with you. Your hands wander across the various instruments set out about the space. Your fingers touch piano keys, guitar strings, wooden reeds, metal valves, cherishing the notes that emitted from them as you skimmed past each collection.

You attempted to hold back your flurry of emotions and focus on various scores and arrangements for your syllabus, but each note made your heart ache for what catharsis could be spilling from you instead.

It wasn’t long until the music shifted from pointed instruction that corresponded to specific weeks within the semester to raw, unruly emotion. You began to sob while composing soft, slow tunes that built into delicate and resonant peaks. The instruments you commanded had a measured grace about them that filled the room with its rich melody.

As the music pouring from you continued, it burned slowly, not unlike a campfire that blazes one moment and crackles with reverb the next. Rhythm rang out and orchestral layers began to pile up, transporting the song to cinematic heights full of fragility and a holy, spiritual quality that you’ve never heard before from your own music.

Making her daily rounds across the academy grounds, Larissa notices the emotional tune emitting from the music room that has been vacant up until this point. Her heart catches in her throat as the music pulls indecipherable feelings from her core. A air of melancholy and longing overwhelms Larissa. She had hoped to see you, but she wasn’t expecting this. The song radiating from the room to her eardrums had stopped Larissa in her tracks. The showcase of gentle tones that blossomed into shimmering instrumental passages had brought tears to her eyes. 

Larissa had lingered here many times before, stealing away compositions from the hall outside your domain. However, this time she wanted to burst through the doors and apologize. She wanted to usher in a vibrant symphony rather than the lonesome notes currently leaking out of the room. She could overhear this change in you. It was apparent, and Larissa knew she was the cause.

—

Eventually, students began to return. You had attempted to stay a recluse in your room for as long as you could. That is, until a day swiftly came when you heard excited knocks rapt against the door to your living space.

With a knowing sigh, you heaved yourself from your desk towards the door. You knew the pink cheeks and bouncing hair that would open up before you beyond the door. Enid had come to say hello after returning from break.

“Professor!”

“Hello there, Enid.” You mustered up the sweetest smile you could for the girl, even though you still felt lackluster. “How was your break?”

“Oh, it was so good! Well, it was kind of kooky staying with Wednesday and her family. They’re so different from my family. My brothers are sure to tackle each other to the ground as soon as possible, but Wednesday and Pugsley hardly touch! You can still tell she has a soft spot for him, though. They ha-”

You let Enid ramble on about her winter break and the things she and the Addams’s got up to. To be honest, the lack of effort needed to continue the conversation was nice; you weren’t sure you had it in you for explaining elaborate stories or… any details right now.

“Um, anyway, I wanted to ask you a question, actually.” Her forthcoming demeanor slowed, and you could tell she was nervous.

“Anything for my favorite resident.” Your words were enough to melt the young werewolf’s fears. Her shoulders relax, and she happily pushes her way into your room.

Slightly taken aback at the gesture, you leave the door ajar and take a seat in one of the armchairs across from where she has elected to sit. “What’s on your mind?”

“Well, it’s kind of about Wednesday.” You stay quiet, letting Enid know she has the floor and that you won’t rush her.

“We had a really good break. I mean, we got on each others’ nerves a lot. She always scoffs like she is better off alone and is annoyed, but I could tell she liked having me there.”

You nod, willing yourself to have empathetic eyes that signal for her to continue.

She finally blurts out, “We almost kissed, and now Wednesday won’t talk to me.” Enid seems panicked and almost in tears at this revelation.

“Hey, hey.” You rise from your chair to place a comforting hand on the young girl’s shoulder. “Take some deep breaths. You’re okay, and we’re going to talk about it. It’s okay.”

Enid wipes her eyes, and you continue supportively, “I know being vulnerable is hard, especially when you can’t control how other people react or feel. Is that how you are feeling?”

“Yeah. Wednesday is so hard to read and gives me mixed signals. She goes back and forth between being standoffish and blunt but also charming and kind of open to being close. Sometimes it seems like she won’t let herself be happy,” Enid ends with a frown.

“I see how conflicted you feel, and I’m sorry you are going through this. What I will say is that you are more likely to regret not honoring your own feelings than communicating your needs. Nothing good ever happened from shrinking away from what you truly wanted.”

“Wow, that’s so deep.” Enid takes a moment. “So even if things don’t work out the way I hope, I know I did what I could to be true to myself?”

“Exactly. That’s all we can do sometimes. Yes, it could be hard to not have feelings reciprocated, but you’re not happy not knowing either.”

“Okay, I think I know what I’m gonna do. Thank you!” Enid is standing and reaching out to you in a firm embrace now. You reciprocate, hoping the best for the young girl. You knew how close she and Wednesday were, even if Wednesday puts on a front.

A few moments pass, and Enid is over by your desk now, picking up everything in sight and inspecting it. “So, what’s wrong with you and Principal Weems?” Enid’s nosy, chipper demeanor is back.

A puzzled look appears on your face. “What do you mean? Principal Weems and I haven’t seen each other?”

“You two were always together before we all left for break.” She shrugs and raises her eyes, playing with your pens before moving onto your swinging, metal pendulum.

Geez, students could not be fooled. They are far more perceptive than other faculty give them credit for. Your head swam, and you didn’t know what to say. You didn’t know what you could say, given that Larissa was the principal and would likely not support students gossiping about her personal life. At your long pause, Enid continued.

“Now you two both seem sad. I could tell when you opened the door since almost the whole dorm is back and hasn’t seen you. And Principal Weems is way more irritable than normal. Ajax, Yoko, and I were throwing around a ball in the courtyard and almost hit one of the gargoyles. Principal Weems confiscated the ball and gave us a lecture on the history of the gargoyles at Nevermore. Something about them being 1,300 year old hand-crafted stone?”

“Oh, Enid, I’m not sure…” It was all you could think to say to both Enid’s original and follow up question.

“Like you said, nothing good will happen from shrinking away from what you want. Your words.” Enid states this as if she is wielding a giant philosophical answer. You can’t help but feel pride in her quick use of the same line. Okay, why did you have to give such great advice?

The earnest nature of the young werewolf was admirable and made your weak heart grow. Enid begins to walk out of your room muttering a combination of “just saying” and “thanks again!”

As the door closes, you slump into your chair, deep in thought. Maybe you should put it all out there. What is the worst that could happen? It’s the least you could do for yourself. Otherwise, you’re back to where you started. Your discussion with Enid inadvertently encourages you to step up and continue the scavenger hunt.

—

Tagging: @lilsmeaux, @suckerforcate, @rickistheman, @tundra1029, @aster-loves-gwen, @justcallmelittleone, @poorwritingandstalecoffee, @lvinhs, @one-pining-queer, @kimiinou, @bobia13. Let me know if anyone else wants tagged in the future. :)

[yuseirra]

Kamiki-Ai relationship: how they felt about each other(Going a bit wild this time)

here I am..way past bedtime going on about them yet AGAIN

Will I ever get tired of talking about them?? Well, the more I look into this as every new chapter drops,… idk..the guy turns out to be even milder than I thought he would, and it makes SENSE. It's been so fun and tense speculating about them lately. I have to say I'm becoming increasingly optimistic and tend to try and take things in a pretty good light; but I do see that sort of possibility with the two. If Mephisto and Fatal is Kamiki's song then at least he's DEVOTED.

SoOO this time, I went wild in my stream of consciousness earlier, and I found it really funny and worth sharing. I'd like to share it here, too! :) I hope you enjoy this positive take. I'd like to do it while it's still possible!

(translated using chatgpt4.0. I daren't write the entire thing again o<-<)

It seems like there’s a break this week~~ I feel at ease during break weeks.. lol. At least this week, whatever I write won’t be contradicted by new developments, right? lol

I’ve already written quite a lot about these two, and I’m sure I’ve written more logically in previous posts.

This time, I’m just writing based on intuition and feelings, without much structure (but sometimes, these are what actually ends up being more accurate in sense).

I think Ai found Kamiki really cute. Like how a mother would adore her children, she had that kind of affection for the character. Since they met when he was small, it probably made her feel that way even more. And we can see that in how she first pinched his cheeks when they met, and how she teased him by saying he seemed like a child and was cute when they went out to eat. When Kamiki hugs Ai (in chapters 146 and 153), the way he looks up at her makes Ai seem like the older sister, and it’s really like that. Despite only being a year apart, their relationship does have an older sister-younger brother dynamic. And at that age, a one-year difference can have a significant psychological impact, so it’s natural. Ai is the older sister, and because of that, Kamiki probably relied on her a lot (oh dear). Even now, that dynamic might still be there.. lol. If they were to meet again now, that dynamic might surprisingly still be present. I feel like the fact that both of Aqua’s heroines are a year older than him was a conscious choice, possibly influenced by this dynamic.

In my view, if you combine Aqua’s relationships with both heroines, you get Kamiki and Ai’s relationship.

When Akane talks about her feelings she has towards Aqua to Kana? Was it when they went to the beach? It’s chapter 149. She says she has a maternal-like affection for Aqua, and Ai probably felt something similar for Kamiki.

Oh, and Akane says she hopes Aqua gets a good job and gets into a good university... that she supports him in that way.

That might be one of the reasons Ai and Kamiki broke up... even if it wasn’t the main reason, it’s still there. The reason they ended up like that was because Ai wanted to protect him.

She probably also had that heart-fluttering affection for Kamiki, similar to how Kana feels about Aqua (though Ai’s personality is different from Kana’s, so she wouldn’t show it as outwardly bubbly. But who knows, chapter 140 makes me wonder. That was very similar to AquaKana, and Aqua denied that the movie was just a fabrication so she could have been outwardly affectionate as well- that chapter is what I frequently work with when I make fanarts as well).

The character has a tendency to dote on others. Early on, when she says her kids are geniuses and that you can’t hide genetics, it made me think. While Ai’s intelligence isn’t fully highlighted, Kamiki later started a company, didn’t he? Ai probably wasn’t unintelligent, but I think Kamiki may have been the more studious one. That comment might have been made with Kamiki in mind.

Even the fact that she named her children after jewels might have been influenced by Hikaru. The one who compared Hikaru to jewels in the story was Ai. The children’s hair color and features resemble their father, especially Aqua, who looks like a mini version of Hikaru (though oddly enough, Ruby seems to resemble him more the more you look). The fact that she put two characters for “love” in Aqua’s name, with the kanji for “longing” in between, could be because she thought of Kamiki when naming Aqua, who resembles him so much. Considering how much she liked that character, I think that’s quite likely. She really wanted to stay with him, but couldn’t.

Ai loves cute things. I think her first impression of her boyfriend was that he was a “cute boy.” And Kamiki, when he was younger, had those big round eyes and a gentler, more delicate appearance compared to Aqua (even now, he looks more “delicate” than “handsome” Aqua). If you look at his actions back then, he was an innocent kid in a tough situation with a pretty gentle nature...

So with Ai’s personality, I think it’s natural that her protective instincts would kick in. Ai likes taking care of others.

Even though she struggled with understanding what love is, she still showed affection by petting and hugging her kids with a smile. That’s just her nature (although being affectionate isn’t always essentially the same as being a good caregiver, I think it still helps a lot. Ai probably wanted to be a good mom and a good lover, and she likely worked hard for that). Looking at how she treats Kamiki, she often holds his hand and hugs him. She must have adored him. It seems like Kamiki didn’t realize it back then, but I think he came to realize after seeing the video and thought: “Oh, right... Ai really did treat me like that. How could I have believed that she didn’t love me...” and that’s why he broke down.

Ai wasn’t the type to express affection in a cheesy or overly cutesy way. She probably wasn’t very delicate or expressive, likely even blunt at times. She also couldn’t tell a white lie to save her life.

But there must have been silent expressions of affection, and when they were in a bright mood, they probably laughed together and had a “normal” good time. And for those two, having someone they could be “normal” with must have been very special. I’m not sure if I should mention this, but they probably didn’t only sleep together once, considering how the kids were conceived. The dialogue suggests it wasn’t just once. They were very affectionate together, then (They were so young though... Goodness...Kids need better sex education in schools... I’m really worried there might be kids like this in real life. I hope everyone will be okay.)

Let’s stop here with Ai and move on to Kamiki’s side.

If we delve into the meta and even bring up mythology, the god who inspired this character is described as someone who guides souls to purity. And it makes sense. He seems genuinely kind by nature, and it actually doesn’t seem like that’s changed much.

When you look at this character’s dialogue, it’s very gentle...

And he trusts people too easily. The whole situation with Ai also happened because he took her words at face value and believed them. It seems like he can’t really imagine people doing bad things. Since he isn’t capable of such actions, he doesn’t even think of them.

Sarutahiko is said to guide people down the right path, right? So that’s the only kind of behavior he expects... He doesn’t anticipate people having malicious intent, wielding a knife, or harming others. Since he himself can’t do such things, he can’t grasp when others might lie or act with ill intent, even when he knows it’s happening.

In "Mephisto", or even ever since when this character first appeared, his words were oddly... kind. Even when the lyrics are about asking his children to come get back at him, the way he tells it is sweet, like telling a bedtime story.

I don’t think there’s even a hint of “hate” in his feelings towards Ai or his kids. It was never love-hate, it’s just “love,” pure and simple.

Looking at what’s been revealed so far, I wonder if this character is even capable of hatred. Because even towards people who anyone with a normal mindset would understandably hate, he shows no signs of that. He seems to internalize everything as his fault and suffer because of it. He’s such a gentle person. If you disregard the theories that this character might have harmed Ai, killed Yura, or committed serial murders, he’s always been really kind in his actions...

Think about it. Aqua plans to turn the things that happened to him into a film and distribute it. The content is provocative, and it’ll definitely be a hit. If it were me, I’d feel conflicted about it, wouldn’t you? It’s like reopening old wounds, right? And showing that to all of Japan? Even if I acknowledged my mistakes, I’d find it too painful.

But after seeing that screening, he comes back and asks his son in an interview if he took the role to help his mother and sister, despite of the role being a very painful one to act out. That's a question filled with consideration for the person who made the film. Something extremely generous.

Aqua has become twisted, showing a darker side, but his character still seems to speak kindly, even if he’s fallen apart.

I think Ai chose her man well. This character’s speech is so soft-spoken, and even when he believes his son is trying to kill him, he’s happy to see him and cheers him on. He praises his daughter and smiles kindly at people. He never shows intense emotions.

As a child, he always endured things alone... There’s never been a scene where he truly gets angry. When something happens, he blames himself.

Even when others treat him poorly, he thinks about what he could have done differently, believes it’s his fault, and takes responsibility. That seems to be his basic behavior pattern, and it hasn’t changed from what I can tell. He’s someone who blames himself for everything, similar to Aqua, but with a gentler personality. Very mild.

I think Ai made a good choice to love this guy.22222 There’s a mention that this character helped Ai improve her personality, right? He’s inherently really kind, gentle, and doesn’t come to blame others. Being around someone like that probably made Ai open up quickly, fall in love with him, and take action for him. Ai didn’t want to break up with him. She doesn’t say she wanted to break free because it was hard to rely on him. Instead, she wished they could have stayed together. If the situation hadn’t gotten so complicated, he would have been the right person for Ai to be with.

It doesn't seem like he would have been very obsessive. It seems likely that Nino had some connection with Ryosuke, as I suspected.

If that's the case, Kamiki might have only found out about the birth of his children when Ai called him from the public phone in episode 8. He hadn’t gone near the hospital, that could have been Nino.

If that's the case, the reaction I imagine this character would have had to Ai's phone call would go something like this:

"Hey, you know, the kids have grown up quite a bit. Would you like to meet them?"

"What? What are you talking about? Kids? Grown up? Ai, you’ve been raising kids? You gave birth to them? By yourself? How have you been all this time? Raising them? Then, I—"

"No, it’s not like I’m asking to get back together or anything."

"What?"

"Our kids are really smart, so they'll understand our situation."

"Ah... I see." (Silence) "Yeah, I want to meet them. I’ll go see them. Where should I go?"

"Yeah. The new address is—"

I feel like that’s how it would have played out... I can picture this lol. He doesn’t seem like the type to speak strongly, and he probably wouldn’t have been able to say much due to being at a loss for words. He couldn’t even hold on to Ai when they broke up; he couldn’t say anything properly.

Even when Airi really gaslighted him, he couldn’t argue back (when I watched that scene, I was like, "What the heck is she saying? Is it because she’s an actor in a morning drama? What kind of nonsense..." Although, being a movie, it’s probably dramatized. But there must be kids who experience something like this in real life. Not just 'might,' there definitely are. What a terrible world! Airi deserved divine retribution. What kind of adult acts like that;;;). That’s just his personality. Even when he was on the phone with Nino this time in ch 158, I bet he spoke very gently, maybe just saying something like, "Let’s stop this now." When Nino was with Takamine, she didn’t seem like a very strong person. In fact, she seemed more like a glass cannon, right? Yet even such a character yelled, "What do you mean by that?" to Kamiki. By now, I can’t even imagine this character speaking strongly.

After that call with Ai in the booth, he probably felt confused, troubled, sad, and disappointed, and he likely felt like crying. Wasn’t he around 19 at the time, just the legal drinking age? In the scene where he meets Ryosuke, there are what look like small liquor bottles drawn in the background; isn’t that a bar? Lol. Maybe he went to drink for the first time and didn't know what he was talking about because he didn't know his limit and drank too much.

I don’t think he would have been angry. This character doesn’t seem to get angry easily, or maybe he can’t. He probably just thought, "What is going on... Did Ai raise my children alone? Am I really that untrustworthy? Does she really not want to be with someone like me?" And so on. He likely felt sad and, as mentioned in chapter 158, felt "disappointment" that he couldn’t be with her. He doesn’t seem like someone who would resent Ai for that. If he resents anyone, it would probably be himself for being unreliable. He might think, "Because I’m like this, Ai doesn’t want to marry me..."

It seems like he would have just cried miserably. When you look at this character’s behavior, this pattern seems to fit his personality better. THIS is more like how he's reacted throughout his childhood and maybe even till his present day.

And from things like Mephisto’s lyrics, what he says in front of the kids, or even earlier when he showed up with flowers at Ai’s grave and said things like "our children," it’s clear he does have paternal love.

It’s just that he’s probably thinking of dying (please refer to my previous post on analyzing Mephisto),

But if things were normal, he would have been a kind and good father. Whenever he appears, he doesn’t miss a chance to praise his kids, showing that he probably liked them a lot... if only he had the chance to raise them.

The scene Ai imagined, where they are raising the kids together, laughing and walking side by side, is likely accurate. Since she knew him well, it’s reasonable to think that’s how things could have been.

I just think Kamiki may end up to be a really pitiful guy who really loves Ai. I’m not sure if he could have killed Yura; if he did, it might have been done in order to save Ai... It’s ambiguous. Ai left a request to help him, but can you really help someone who’s killed someone? It’s tough.

But the more this character appears and does things, the stronger the interpretation that he is like this becomes.

I sometimes worry if I’m being too kind in my interpretation,

But every time he appears, it turns out to be even more like that than I expected.

So maybe he’s even more like this than I’ve written. I keep saying this, but with this manga, if I decide to go two steps further than how I anticipated in terms of what the characters are like, it usually turns out to be about right. I got a LOT of things right so far. I feel I have a right sense of direction, the manga turns out to make the feelings even stronger than that(and that's natural, since I can't just go ahead and go berserk beyond the original portrayals)

It’s incredibly interesting!

[your--isgayrights]

Hi idk if anyone has asked this before but do you think there are thematic implications to Sangah liking works from Murakami Haruki, Raymond Carver, Han Kang.

Yeah, I'm not super familiar with all of the authors myself but I did some basic research while writing Wall fic so I have an opinion about this. First of all, the internationality of these picks shows YSA is well read, but this different kind of well read than KDJ. Her interest in international literature is somewhat connected to her backstory of being from a richer family that wanted to marry her off in my mind bc international language education is somewhat status/wealth associated in modern South Korea. Second of all the kinds of authors she picks out are the type who write singular, artistic works that tend to start from a point of realism and make a comment about the characters' navigation of Society. So the type of reading she's doing isn't sitting down and obsessively following a 3000 chapter webnovel that can only exist through the conglomeration of niche trope after niche trope to be completely understood. I see her as a girlie who like. Will check the new York times best seller list and just buy or check out a new book to read if she hears good things. So this authors of singular works and short stories being her favorite shows she doesn't really follow extensive Series, she's not the type who needs constant updates to keep on living lol. She's the type who occasionally read novels for literature classes which graduated to occasionally reading novels in her free time. Not saying that she reads popular novels just to seem cultured like mister 'art of war on my desk' but I think she is someone who can see opening a book like stumbling upon a television program that just happens to be on you know it's not a major time commitment or something that will rewire her brain and then she'll have thoughts about language use and literary opinions you know.

Then the one author I'm more familiar with is Han Kang and I actually didn't remember her being listed by YSA but you're probably right and I just forgot bc I know Han Kang from reading the Vegetarian more than I know her from being referenced in ORV I guess lol. Han Kang is a popular modern author in South Korea who has both been somewhat of an icon for feminism (I think?) And is definitely a representative of the Trauma literature movement. She grew up in Gwangju and lived through the aftermath of the Gwangju uprising (the people suffered violent oppression and censorship under leadership at the time) and in an interview she once described herself as someone who writes to ask questions instead of answer them. The Vegetarian is an example of a work of hers that starts off very ingrained in reality and slowly becomes surreal in a way that could still exist in the real world but could be interpreted as containing fantasy elements. I think it's interesting to me to draw parallels to YSA here bc the vegetarian is a story about a traumatized woman being controlled and used by other people. Spoilers for the vegetarian I guess but the main character decides to be vegetarian one day without a 'societally acceptable' reason and this 'embarrasses' the people around her so much that they try to force her to change. After she is abused by her husband, father, and brother in law, this experience is held parallel to something she experienced as a child, when she was friends with a small dog and then the dog bit her. Local folk medicine said killing and eating the dog was the only way to cure sickness from a dog bite and she felt no remorse as everyone agreed the dog must be eaten. Forgetting 'the natural order' revokes the rights of personhood or humanity, when the main character of the Vegetarian descends into a psychosis trying to escape participating in the violence of the world around her by 'becoming a plant,' it's shown at the end how even her own sister struggles to see her as a person who can still be spoken with or make her own decisions. So yeah it's pretty fucked up and I have some more specific opinions on it ( like I've written essays about it) but as it relates to YSA the Vegetarian is very much about the POV of outsiders following another person's struggles which I find a very interesting in parallel to YSA leafing through KDJ's memories as his wall librarian. I also think her familiarity with trauma literature as a genre may be off-putting to KDJ specifically because these realistic type stories with a bit of fiction are quite similar in genre to the book his own mother wrote, in fact I find it extremely likely that in the world of ORV YSA read LSK's book somewhere before. I think they're also not the kind of books that get overly silly/ have a 'happy ending' by convention, which is interesting to me bc I see passivity vs agency as an important theme concerning YSA's arc throughout the story and whether or not she has an ability to create a happy ending or not is interesting. Like the little 'you knew??' moment in the epilogues is very important bc YSA and KDJ come from this same 'real world' and because of that neither of them really expected a Happy Ending you know. I like that YSA goes through the journey of beginning to Believe in it before KDJ comes back bc you know it shows that perspective can be changed before we even get to him it's really good.

[tadpolesonalgae]

“You made more than a mistake, Az. Now we’re all hurting because you—”

i am so glad it's finally been said out loud. And that it was Mor who said it because immediately I understood how she was feeling about the entire situation, which made me feel better about her being an asshat at the end of the last chapter. It's strangely therapeutic. As soon as Mor tells Az to shut up though, I couldn't help but start crying a little bit because you really perfected how I thought Mor would've perceived reader going to Eris-

“She could have come to any of us. It’s more than we ever had, and yet she ignored it. Then tries to pretend it away? I’m not immune to that. If she can’t even be bothered to care about my pain why should I give a damn about hers?”

-this line in particular ruined me (not to be too personal n emotional lol), as someone who grew up in a not so great home i can really empathize with Mor here. It's not healthy behavior but I can say that there have been times where I've resented the people in my life who didn't accept help after i had been desperate for it for years. I'm more emotionally aware now and have unpacked those resentments (THANK GOD), but it was such a visceral response to reading that line because it mirrored unhealed me.

The next scene with madja was the perfect balance to mor and azriel's...argument? discussion? idk. You really guide us well through the world which is something I really admire in your writing, it flows very naturally and it always feels like a very natural progression of events. (its just something i've noticed i struggle with in my own wips lol).

compliments aside, it was also really sweet to see reader's peace in this chapter. Madja herself being a very peaceful motherly figure for reader who we know desperately needs that kind of care right now, her sisters are doing great right now but she needs someone who's not family to prove that they do care about her and it will not change over a few mistakes. Which is something that Cassian embodies very well later in the chapter too.

Bas.... sweet guy :( i hope reader gives him the truth. Imo, i think he deserves at least a bit of the truth when she is in a better place to give it (she fr could've said she was at a friend's in autumn. bas doesn't need to know WHO). But Bas held up his own boundaries very well with reader as well and I'm glad that we got a little of his feelings on the situation as well as reader acknowledging she hasn't been a great friend recently. (it's valid tho she's been goin THROUGH IT)

Tabbatha... you keep saying you don't know how to portray cassian but i personally think you do him such a great service ESPECIALLY after some instances of cass's behavior towards nesta's struggles in her own healing journey. I really feel like he actually cares about reader herself compared to rhys who cared about feyre and her only. He makes an effort to get her to relax, which is something acomaf cass would've done and is the version of him i miss the most. And him calling reader out for keeping things to herself? I personally think she needs to be called out and take accountability for her own role in the healing process. He was the perfect person to push her in this scene.

The dinner scene also really resonated with me and my own childhood. As a kid growing up we NEVER ate dinner together, so reader's apprehension to going to dinner is so real, and Mor sitting across from her?

oh myyyy goodness, ik this chapter just came out but im already rereading hehehe im so excited for the next one

-🤠

If I’m honest with you, I wanted Mor to tear into Az a little more than she did? For her to fairly obviously and kind of viciously defend reader but I felt it would be weird for her to go that far, considering Mor is supposed to be feeling very betrayed and hurt by reader? I did have fun with writing Mor telling Az to shut up though 🫣 I even nearly italicised it 🫢😳

‘The next scene with madja was the perfect balance to mor and azriel's...argument? discussion?’

Oh I really liked writing the Madja scene!! I mean, kind of scary obviously, but I enjoy her character and it’s so nice getting to write someone being kind to reader? 😭 Particularly since a fair amount of scenes in cbmthy aren’t particularly lighthearted/high-spirited? I’m hoping to continue dropping scenes with Madja in here and there since it would be weird if reader’s checkups suddenly stopped out of nowhere? Also so she has someone to keep an eye on her who might know a little more about what’s going on with her physically and mentally from experience and studying other people/medicine?

‘(its just something i've noticed i struggle with in my own wips lol).’

This might be totally unsolicited/unhelpful, but usually for me if a scene isn’t working or I’m struggling to write it, I’ll either change the perspective or switch to something else entirely? Like the scene just after reader’s entered the kitchen with Cassian I was struggling with, which is why there’s that snippet from Rhys’ pov to section them up? I don’t know if that’ll work for other people, but it’s something I fall back on quite regularly so it might help you too? 🫂🧡💛

‘but she needs someone who's not family to prove that they do care about her and it will not change over a few mistakes. Which is something that Cassian embodies very well later in the chapter too.’

I’m so glad you feel Cassian read that way!! 😭 I’m kind of of the mind that Nesta’s still protective over her sisters and so that might occasionally stretch across to Cassian at times? Also I just feel like Cassian genuinely cares about people in a more (this might sound strange) innocent way? Like more carefully and tenderly?

I would have loved to write Cassian and reader as being good friends but because Cassian’s friends with Feyre I think reader would still always feel in second place and unfortunately it might hinder her more than help 😭

‘Tabbatha... you keep saying you don't know how to portray cassian but i personally think you do him such a great service’

I’m literally refusing to respond to this because I’m so embarrassed and flustered from the compliment 😶‍🌫️

‘As a kid growing up we NEVER ate dinner together, so reader's apprehension to going to dinner is so real, and Mor sitting across from her?’

Yes! And especially after she’s done something that so obviously puts her in a vulnerable position too? Now they all know that she was in a place like that I can’t imagine reader will feel particularly comfortable over dinner 😭

As for Mor, I think I’m actually going to be writing this scene tonight, so I’ll be interested to see what happens? (Because honestly I don’t 100% know how it’s going to go either 😭🫣)

‘oh myyyy goodness, ik this chapter just came out but im already rereading hehehe im so excited for the next one’

Babes oh my gosh I was struggling to start chapter 18 so did a change 🫢🫣

I had so much fun writing the opening scene to the next part and I’ll be so excited to hear some thoughts on it—if you or anyone has any thoughts on it, of course 🧡💛

[icebrooding]

STORY! THOUGHTS! (along with meta/fractal)

In chronological order as I go through;

"You're damn right Nephus, let us go in, guns blazing!"

I think its so cute baby kryptis are 'broodlings'. The adventures are pretty fun!

Love noticing new dialogues on-map!!!

Nephus telling Peitha to get behind us and her instantly running out into combat is perfect. She will make good friends with Trahearne in my fic.

Chapter 18 fucking destroyed me??

Like ok. Eparch terrified of Mordremoth? Scary shit. When you're this big of a threat but there is still The Bigger Fish...

Snargle books existing in Nayos (via thievery) made me wheeze.

Looking up the stairs and seeing the kryptis standing up the sides of it was so Good visually smh.

I joked earlier: 'what if Zakiros is empty'. not like this..... never like this...........

Going in That Room actually made me feel so... upset. The whole time I was going around freeing the essences I was just 'this is distressing. this is so, so upsetting'. I felt so oddly cold.

My theory that Eparch slaughtering that village was done purely out of nature and not out of malice, confirm. But on that note...

I still feel like there is more to it. I still think Isgarren had done something to Eparch. There is still something SUPER missing here. Their dynamic is shady to the very end.

I need to do a writeup on how Eparch was actually a Woobie, Destroyer of Worlds, obviously :/ /s

The horn and then the kryptis all standing down made the hairs on my arms stand on end lmfao

Confirmation that Febe was one of the other House leaders! Man, Nephus really was the only surviving one, huh... I assume Aurkus died at some point, anyway.

ISGARREN COMING IN AT THE LAST MOMENT LETS GOO. You did not get Midgarsormr'd, you scrungly prune of a creature.

Something about Eparch calling Peitha a 'princess' and then so specifically 'my blood' just makes me wonder if he was really her father and not her uncle. IDK, just thoughts for my brain...... its probably not but i love Thinking

Eparch's entire last segment really does make me think he was the 'well-intentioned extremist' that got extremely lost/messed up along the way. With all the dialogue about Nayos being so hard to survive in and how resources are so scarce... Eugh. He was a power-hungry tyrant who did such horrible things but the memories from his PoV give him extra depth that I can feel sympathy toward.

I feel like I need to write some kind of Commander/Nephus/Zantharon fic.

So many fic ideas. SO MANY IDEAS FOR WILDFLOWERS HNGH.

and since i just did the meta-

SPIDER EPARCH REAL. I WANTED SO BAD FOR HIM TO HAVE A FUCKED UP SPIDER FORM. YES.

FRACTAL!

GOD FUCKING WOW I CANT BELIEVE THE SAME DUDE THAT KILLED ISGARREN'S GF ALMOST KILLED HIM TOO :)))

deimos/cerus fight was a whew as a 3man team. i love the constant chaos of their mechanics all going off and giving me trauma like you'd never believe! oil! OIL! OIL!!!

eparch.... hah. that was not gonna happen lmfao. need to get our resident Fourth Man and then I think we'll be okay tho.

[not-poignant]

226k in it finally happened, Ef called Gary by his name (in front of Gary)!!!🥳 And it was to APOLOGIZE my hearttt I thought maybe it was gonna be mid-sex fjfjfj. I know you said the hold off wasn't intentional and I might be thr only one who cares (I sent an ask abt it before🙈) but I *do* care so this was very satisfying😍 The apology felt more intimate and grounding bc of it. Ahh. (PS I'll still keep my fingers crossed for a spooked/alarmed/overwhelmed mid-sex 'Gary'🤭)

Ahaaa anon I haven't been keeping track of it at all, lol, so I had no idea it was the first time he's said Gary's name to Gary!

To me it just felt natural that he hadn't yet. He's really not likely to say it during sex (honestly I think it's extremely unrealistic tbh, most people aren't just randomly saying their partner's name during sex or even, frankly, pornography. It's really only in romance novels that it happens with any frequency, and well, I don't write typical romances! Unless someone has a personal kink for it, it's really not happening that often, but if someone does have a kink for it then like, good for them! They can live their best life :D - personally nothing makes me cringe more than 'oh Gwyn, Gwyn, oh GWYn, OH GWYN' and I'm sitting there screaming 'LEARN ANOTHER FUCKING WORD they're literally right there in the room with you' lmao. I hate it about as much as 'oh alpha alpha' and 'oh omega omega' - I know people have kinks for that stuff, but I'll be here firmly in the squick column.)

A lot of the time in my stories when a character uses another character's name, it's often as a show of power. It's why my top characters and dom characters do it so much more than the bottoms. It's a way of gaining someone's attention. In regular speech, people are often very rarely using each other's names to each other, but you'll actually find it happens more in some BDSM scenes, and it's a good way to establish a power dynamic.

The combination of 'people just aren't often doing this' and 'I often use it to signal a power dynamic' just means it really hasn't come up for Efnisien until now and likely may not at any other point, unless he's literally calling out for help, or wanting Gary to stop doing something. Names are an attention-getter, but frankly they're often very unnecessary, because you often have the attention of the person you're in the room with. Like, it did feel natural to write in the moment in that chapter (i.e. I didn't notice it), but it hasn't felt natural until now, and idk when it will again, and I probably won't notice when it happens!

[eilidh-eternal]

HOW DO PEOPLE WRITE SMUT??

I've been trying to write a chapter in a fiction book I'm writing and idk how to do it properly 😭😭

I've read copious amount of smut, and yet I'm stuck, help 😰

-🌈💋anon

Hi love! I'm not sure how much help I can really offer, but here's some advice from a reader-turned-writer.

I wanna start with this: It's always going to feel a little cringe when you're learning, and that is Completely Normal!

It could be the most tame, vanilla, soft sex, or the kinkiest, hardcore smut you can't even believe you dreamt up. It's going to feel really weird writing it because you have to think about it. You're plotting and planning and deciding how these two, or more, people are gonna get down and dirty, and that really isn't something that happens when you actually do it.

Sure you daydream, fantasize, imagine what certain positions might feel like, what your partner will look like—but you're not really planning anything.

Sex is, largely, a spontaneous act. Our brains receive and perceive external stimuli and translate it into desire, desires that take shape in many different ways from person to person. We act on what we feel in those moments of desire, let instinct take over, so It's the thinking that makes the process feel, at least for me and in this particular context, awkward and stilted. Thinking about what's happening too much can pull me, as a reader, writer and participant, out of the moment and ruin the experience. Hence why the thinking part of writing it makes it feel so... meh. Embrace the spontaneity of the act when you're writing and focus your thoughts instead on the most important part, in my opinion—how what's currently happening feels for your characters.

The second part of this is going to be personal because sex is just that—a highly personal experience that we all have boundaries and personal preferences for which dictate how we experience it. Those boundaries, preferences, or a lack of experience with a certain kink, lifestyle or even position can also contribute to that awkward feeling.

Don't shy away from drawing on your own experiences for inspiration or guidance either, even if you haven't done the exact things you're writing! Fall back on the emotion you experienced, let your characters feel the same things you felt, and build off of that. If something feels good you probably don't want it to stop, right? What did you do to chase that particular feeling? What stimuli did you respond to in that moment that made you feel that way and how did you get more of it? These are the main factors that lead to changes in or the maintaining of position, pace, power dynamics, toys, etc..

It will take some practice, as all writing does, to learn how to let these scenes flow out of you naturally instead of trying to map out every single thing your characters do in detail. In the meantime, focusing on feelings rather than mechanics will help you avoid a lack of emotion and prevent you from neglecting the inner monologue or omniscient narration of what's going through a characters mind when they're in the moment. leaving out this context makes the scene feel more robotic, less organic, when the only thing being described is what's happening mechanically and nothing is said about how a character feels emotionally or physically; i.e., “going through the motions.”

This last bit is a very nit-picky subject, but the wording you use to describe anatomy can make your writing feel too clinical or immature depending on what you choose. For me, things like "cunny", "goey", "gummy" and "spongey" used in reference to the female anatomy feels more immature, lacks the finer details that could more vividly describe the experience. Using proper anatomical terms that you wouldn't normally use in the bedroom, like penis, labia, vagina, vulva, etc., will make it feel too clinical, though this isn't an absolute. Phrases like "silken walls", "velvety warmth", "slick heat" and "glistening folds" tells me soooo much more about what's being seen/felt and has more vivid imagery.

You can, however, go overboard with this. I'm sure we've all seen those tiktoks talking about the wild ways some authors have described anatomy; e.g., "love tool" and "pleasure canal." In this case, just call it what it is. Pussy and cock. Cunt and dick. Manhood/member and nether folds/lips if the style of writing or the time the story is set in is more conservative and you want to adhere to that. I know we have been societally conditioned to view these words as lewd and unacceptable due to some negative connotations, but I would much rather have a partner tell me they want to fuck my pussy raw than "take a ride on my pleasure canal." I cannot stress enough how much of this is a matter of personal preference and that this all my very biased opinion on anatomical descriptors.

I am by no means an expert, but I do hope some part of this helps you feel more confident about your writing! Remember that what works for some authors won't work for others, so if the advice I've given doesn't help it is not an indication of your writing abilities. The more you write the more comfortable you’ll feel, and you’ll start to get a sense of what does and doesn’t work for you!

[florencetypemaniacs]

Heyoo!! How are you?! I noticed this.

Jezebel tilted her head. "Miss Oleander, why are you here?" Jezebel's eyes darted toward you and back at the door.

My MC is male.

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Also, although I LOOOOOVVEEE this, AGAIN LOVE LOVE LOVE LMAO- what does throw me off is the inconsistency with MCs personality. Idk how to explain it, but like we obviously have control over the personality based on the stats, but it felt like my MC was going in and out of the personality I have so far. He's stoic but sometimes felt friendly. Rash but felt naturally cautious. and so forth.

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Lastly...hear this and hear this good. I haven't checked who all the ROs are but I LOVE OWEN!!! Him and my MC give the same exact energy. I can just all the easyness being sucked out of the room when they walk in with their aloof, snarky, grumpy nature.

Thank you so much for the feedback! I have fixed the coding for the next update! I am so excited that you enjoyed Owen; he has to be one of my favourite characters to write, as well as Luis. To answer your question about personalities, this is something I see as well, and I am still brainstorming how to go along with it.

The personality issue is serious due to the fact that, as of right now, there are not a lot of points you can earn. For example, you can have a 51% on stoic, but you are nice to Aunt Zinnia, and suddenly you have a friendly personality, which I am experimenting with for the next update, where you can be friendly with family but still be stoic with everyone else if that makes sense. But I think the more points you earn in later chapters will give your character a more defined personality instead of flip-flopping, if that makes sense. 

[good7luck]

My quick ramblings about VNC manga chapter 62 part 1

(more under the cut)

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Time flied again, and now ch 62 part 2 is coming or already out XD so I'm roughly writing some bits at least asdfg

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I wrote some depressing prediction for this chapter, and I'm glad things didn't go that (physically violent) way, especially for Noe :) Vani stood up (as he should, cuz he is part of the cause) and "solved" the problem...by being verbally violent asdfg Anyway, I still feel something similar to that might happen at some point, though ^^;

I'm anxious about Johann for several reasons, but for now...I feel so sorry for him that he had to perform that much to "smoothly" solve(TM) the uncomfortable situation and protect his family ;_; I just...don't know what (proper words) to say, and I hate it :(

I'm happy to be quite right about Riche X) It's a huuuge shame that the anime completely cut out her cute interaction with Noe in the Catacombs :/ It wouldn't have taken too many minutes ://

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a little or a lot negative from here, with some potentially triggering words

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Apparently...some people think it's a bad / problematic writing decision that "white" Vani enlightens "black" Noe about "racism" towards Dham...as if the narrative / context was meant to mock Noe or such?? Also, as if similar situations (not just about racism) never happen in real life?? Honestly, they seem to be the ones who are somehow obsessed with the skin color tone of fictional characters the most lol

Like...did Vani have to leave Noe ignorant as he was, then? Was there any other "better" person (ex. "black" Dham) to explain "better" at the moment?? It doesn't even look like what Vani said was particularly wrong, either - especially compared to the situation when Luca "explained" to Vani/Noe what the Book of Vanitas does(TM), and then Vani got annoyed and tried to fix his (Luca's) wrong idea/info (not to mention Blue Moon clan is a discriminated minority as well).

For some imaginary example in regards to real life - it's said 99% of people are allosexual and only 1% are asexual in the world. It may happen that some asexual person never realized oneself being asexual and suffered from it for so long alone, and some allosexual person who happened to know a lot could notice what's going on and introduce "asexual" to the asexual person in a sincerely kind / helpful manner, "saving / freeing" the one, even.

Isn't it a good thing to learn about something "new" that is necessary "in any way (not offensive!!)", rather than staying behind and unintentionally repeating the same negative situation, if not causing worse things? Not everyone is lucky to get to know something or everything "naturally" or "normally" by a specific "proper" age.

Besides, Noe is understandably ignorant (like us readers / audiences) in canon from the beginning, with all his unfortunate, traumatic, and isolated childhood backstories and extremely limited interactions with other people... Noe's such huge, naive ignorance indirectly tells something about the "Teacher" Shapeless One as well! which is quite subtle from MJ-sensei XD

IDK now I'm curious if they called it a bad writing, too (and called MJ-sensei racist), when "black" Noe turned out to have been treated as a chained slave / property in the black market and "taken" by "white" Shapeless One...as if it's all meant to look "pure positive"? What about the scene where "white" Domi put a chain on "black" Noe's neck? Was it only great because it's "female dominant"?? lol :/ I also remember that not so long ago - "white" Misha enslaved "black" Noe and violated him in multiple, stressful ways (including the rapey blood-drinking)...and yet, the fandom mostly felt so sorry for the "white assaulter" Misha much more and got sooo disappointed / mad at the "black victim" Noe for "daring to" fiercely fight back and hurt his face, NOT "gently" pushing him away or (just forgetting about kidnapped Domi his important childhood friend and) "angelically" understanding him (the abuser) and "eagerly" protecting him as a "mere obedient black slave" of his "poor young white master" aka Stockholm syndrome lol =_=

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This was not going to be this long and this petty, but it happened midway, sorry asdfg

Thank you for reading my subjective opinions so far!

[bbina]

honest review but at the same time not so honest review of Between The Lines bc I’m an F!! Part 1, the writing portion

— btl touched on one of my fav tropes which is def why it had me hooked, but it also played the trope out differently in the sense that fake dating is mostly difficult to continue imo as “where do I go from here?” pops up in a lot of people heads, but you progressed btl perfectly!!

— some parts were a littleeeeeee rushed but it was difficult to tell as the situation got covered by major events or slower endings, yknow?

— in the future I feel like the social media chapters could be a LITTLEEE longer imo, most writers might overdo cliff hangers which can be repetitive and annoying to readers but I genuinely like the way you do it. I also think that some tips from a very (overachieving) English student is to really focus on what you want the reader to take away from a certain chapter, like what’s the big idea yknow? I LOVEE how natural and real your soc media posts felt bc there wasn’t a lot o unnatural detail from the characters just to drive the plot forward. I also enjoyed the irl scenes too!!

—🌷

HONEST REVIEW TIMEEEEEE 🔊

ur right about fake dating tropes is one of the difficult tropes to write especially when the climax hits cus once they start catching real feelings, now what? luckily i managed to pull through !!

yeah there were a few chapters that were rushed solely because of the 9 pictures per post via mobile rule tumblr has on mobile and i'm not much of a big fan of 10+ pictures per chapter idk its just a personal preference so i do admit on rushing some scenes or having filler scenes just to fill the 9 pics mark!

okay lowkey i got a lil nervous when i was putting out too much cliffhangers but then again,, if i post a cliffhanger then something big is gonna happen the next chapt so 😭

ALSO FOR THE PART WHERE U SAY THERE WASNT A LOT OF UNNATURAL DETAILS... i try to incorporate what the guys like irl (based on what they share on wv, content, etc) if this was a manga im talking about canon facts about each character so thank you for noticing this!!!!!