#idk what I'm going to do because I need to be able to transition but I literally can't so fuck me I guess

[lastoneout]

Honestly, I don't say it often bcs I know how this site is but I really do think for a lot of survivors of abuse, especially abuse that went on for years and years, sometimes the message "it's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong/to deserve this" while ABSOLUTELY TRUE* isn't actually super helpful. For a lot of us there's a LOT of guilt tied into it, and even if things were truly out of our hands we will not be able to accept that we are truly blameless, at least not at first, and maybe for some of us not ever. So being told "no dw you didn't do anything wrong <3 <3 you're innocent" feels...idk like some toxic positivity style lies. It doesn't make me feel better, because I still do feel like there were things that happened that were my fault, that were in my control, even an ethicist or god or whoever could look me dead in the eyes, weigh all the facts, and assure me of my complete innocence, and I still wouldn't believe it. (Tbh, you have to be ready to forgive yourself and trying to force it early does more harm than good.)

And I occasionally see movies and shows and stuff get roasted all to hell for having the audacity to go with a different message, to offer abused characters not a platitude about how they are innocent and should forgive themselves asap, but instead say "so what if it was your fault? so what if you fucked up? you're still alive, you still have time, your mistakes(or perceived mistakes) don't make you irredeemable scum who deserves to suffer, it's okay that you fucked up, what matters is what you do next, and even if the horrible thing was your fault in one way or another or you did actually hurt people, you still did NOT deserve to be hurt in turn" because people think that is like, admitting that the person in question is at fault when they almost always aren't....but as an actual survior, I'm sorry, you can tell me I'm innocent till the cows come home and I won't believe it. What I need to hear is that even if it was my fault I didn't deserve to be treated that way. I still deserve help. I deserve to keep going. I am not forever stained by my mistakes. I deserve a future free from this pain.

I think before we look at things in this like...grand moral way where we try to make sure we're sending the most Correct and Healthy Message Possible, sometimes it's worth asking if that message is actually the one the people it's about need to hear. I'm sure for some people it is very freeing to be told it's not their fault, but that kind of message does not resonate with me. And I, as well as people like me, deserve to expirience stories about us that are cathartic, that resonate, that make us feel seen, and to not have to see everyone and their mom throw a fit because what helps us is "problematic".

Anyway this has been mulling around in my head for a while and I def have a lot more to say about the way guilt manifests in trauma born of abuse, but yeah I just feel like this is something that should be talked about when we bring up abuse narratives and how well written they are and if they send the Correct Message, because the "Correct Message" is never going to be the same for everyone. And that's true of ANY demographic you could choose to represent!

Like some disabled people might enjoy the "magically healed" trope while others find it offensive. Some trans people like stories where transitioning is easy as drinking a potion or getting a fancy futuristic surgery and some find that that trivializes their struggles. Some queer people want stories where there's just no homophobia at all, others find that a world without it feels fake and patronizing. Some women do want to read stories about how keeping hearth and home is noble and empowering and others want read about women who have other jobs and never have kids or get married. For some of us "you're beautiful no matter what" is lovely and some of us just want to be told being fat and hairy and having acne and scars and shit is normal and fine. Or, like the last post I reblogged says, sometimes "you're not a burden" doesn't hit as well as "being a burden isn't a bad thing". No one type of representation is ever going to work for everyone, and that doesn't mean one type of rep is objectively wrong and the other is objectively right.

So yeah, the next time you find yourself angry because you think a story is sending the wrong message about a marginalized or harmed group, maybe stop for a second to ask yourself if it's actually harmful...or if you're not the person who the story is speaking to, and if there's someone it is talking to who desperately needs to hear what it has to say.

(*Getting ahead of this now: Do not put words in my mouth. I am not saying that any abused person in any way deserved their abuse or was at fault for it happening, that is not up for debate. The fault is always in the hands of the person who chose to hurt them. I'm just saying it's nuanced and complicated and guilt is a huge fucking issue that survivors have to deal with all the time and it's not wrong to acknowledge that some of us are always going to feel like we did something wrong and not be eased by being told otherwise even if the person saying it is 100% correct and/or means well. I do not have time for people who are going to willfully misinterpret me. You will be blocked.)

[glitter-stained]

I'm always thinking about Jason because fixation so my judgement is biaised because every song I listen to makes me think about at least one of my Jasons, but here are some songs though were definitely written for and about canon Jason Todd, and I will take no criticism (but you are definitely welcome to add your own songs):

-Take me To War, by The Crane Wives

>"But I keep snapping at Goliath hands with all of my tiny might"/ "All of the fire I swallowed, all of the sparks that went down in my guts, I am always burning out"/ "I'll be the sweetest thing to ever scare you"

The Robin -> Red Hood transition is so seamless

-Little Soldiers by the Crane Wives

> "On the broken back of all the words we spared, Like little soldiers in the trenches; It was a march we made towards ruin and despair, But we held hands all the while"

I always rant about how how Jason's character and story is centered around love, this is the song that plays in my head while I'm yapping

-Blue Lips by Regina Spektor

> "He took a step but then felt tired, He said I'll rest a little while; but when he tried to walk again, he wasn't a child"

If you ever wanna be sad about Jason's resurrection, catatonia and stolen childhood, this is the song to listen to

-The Horrors and The Wild by The Amazing Devil

"Think of all the horrors that I promised I'd bring, I promise they'll sing of every Time you passed your fingers through my hair and called me child, Witness me old man I am the Wild"

> If Under The Red Hood has one song it's this one

-The Old Witch Sleep and The Good Man Grace by The Amazing Devil

"There's a fire burning/And I'm learning to be/So much more than my tiredness/ So much more than that old witch sleep wishes/ She kisses my eyelids, and I/Breathe"

> If Red Hood: Lost Days (minus the gross bits) has one song it's this one

-Elsa's song by The Amazing Devil

>"And you'll throw some sage and lillies/ And roses where I'll rot/ Of all the flowers you picked/I knew you would forget/ Forget-me-nots"

idk who Elsa is this is about how Jason was grieved but he wasn't remembered

(Yeah I'm pretty convinced that at least either Madeline Hyland or Joey Batey read Under the Red Hood so many of their songs fit so well I restrained myself to three but there are so many)

-A Burning Hill by Mitski

>"I'm tired of wanting more, I think I'm finally worn/ For you have a way of promising things/ And I've been a forest fire"

Jason admitting loss and giving up on begging Bruce is something that can be so personal actually

-Heaven Knows by The Pretty Reckless

>"Now you're on your knees with your head hung low/ Big Man tell you where to go/ Tell them it's good, tell them okay/Don't do a goddamn thing they say"

Crime Alley united!!! Also, "tell the big guy I said hello" :))) (the God/Batman amalgam in Death in the Family is such an incredible one-liner and works so well for Jason omg)

-For the Departed by Shayfer James

>"Now I must finished what I started/I'll write a symphony for the departed/And I have no time for second chances/ So I survive on bourbon blood and backward glances"

The amount of angst, dramatics and intense devotion to his cause at the cost of his life, the literature references, everything about this song? Jason at his angstiest for sure

-Goodbye by Bo Burnham

> "If I wake up in a house that's full of smoke I'll panic/So call me up and tell me a joke/ When I'm fully irrelevant and totally broken dammit/ Call me up and tell me a joke /Oh shit/ You're really joking at a time like this"

exploded warehouse parallel aside, this song feels like not being able to heal because you're not capable of asking for what you really need, wanting to come back but feeling like you aren't allowed to because it would ruin you or the you that was shaped by other's perception of you and most importantly, begging to matter and to have mattered. So. Jason.

[rinadragomir]

My thoughts on the couples included in Better in Black for those who care

I expect you to write down yours so work work

📍Wessa

You know, as a dedicated Jessa stan I wanna say that it's okay~ Because these two were together for 50 years or sth, there's still some things to add. We might watch them in their 30s, 50s, 60s. I guess at this point both camps have around the same amount of content. Plus I'll have Jessa in twp so I'm in peace 🌱

📍Clace

All my first thoughts are over here. I'm a Clace defender, I'm their oldest stan, I'm a veteran👩‍🦳 So I feel like I have a right to say that...it was kinda unnecessary. We've witnessed every step in their relationship so far, beginning of it in TMI, gentle transition to adulthood in TDA and Tales of Shadowhunter Academy, adulthood in SOBH and proposal. So if the story isn't about their wedding then WHAT THE HELL IS IT ABOUT REALLY? And we know that they won't get married until twp.

📍Anna & Ari (Arianna!)

Hey🥺that is nice, we've seen so little of them in chain of thorns and I've loved them since their debut in 2018 in that short story. I'm very biased when it comes to TLH, cause I'm their mother. So YAY🌱they have a long way to go, Anna still needs to change a tiny little bit for them to be healthy, so I'd love to witness it

📍Jordelia

We all have known about it, because Cassie kinda promised us their story a while ago. Wedding runes scene, honeymoon, kids, mortgage etc. Go kids, slay, serve, eat and so on, I'm excited for u!

📍Sebastian & Seelie Queen

🤨🧐🤔👁👁

Yeah... That famous Sebastian &Fanbase. Like... I'm conflicted, because it's useless and doesn't make any sense even tho it might slay. Listen up, I'll show you.

Lots of people defend it by saying that it might be important for Ash's background in TWP. But... No it's not. Because this is exclusive book made for few people who were lucky and financially stable enough to get it. It won't be posted online. So most people won't read it unless someone leaks it. So there's no point for that story to be important for the plot, therefore it has nothing to do with it.

And it's definitely not "one of the most beloved" couples. BUT LIKE... WHAT IF IT SLAYS? Toxic, unhinged romance, what if I'll love it? 🤡

📍Jemma

So you see the problem? Because it's the same as Clace. What else might she add, because there's nothing. SoBH ended like yesterday. We know exactly where they live rn, their daily routine, their plans. So there's nothing to add between SOBH and twp. What will it be about? Hard to say, but I hope Cassie will come up with sth interesting for them.

📍Thomastair (why did Cassie say Alistair instead of Alastair, I'm lost help me)

Yay🥺slay, serve, eat and leave no crumbs, go, kill it idk you're doing great boys, there's so much to add and explore because they've just started dating. I'm so excited ^-^

📍Kierartkina

That is fine. No matter what I think about their relationship, because in my point of view Cristina and Kieran fell in love because Cassie said so apparently, I still don't mind them being there. Because there's also lots of things to discuss and explore. I hope the story will be soft and warm☀they've just started their advantage so it definitely makes sense

📍Sizzy

Even though we've had lots of them in TMI and Shadowhunters Academy I still think they deserve to be here. They are famous (I guess? 👁👁) and I'd like to know more about their plans for future. Simon was still a teenager in the stories collection and now I'd love to see him as a grown man being in relationship with the woman he loves.

📍Luke & Jocelyn

👁👁🤨🧐🤔👀

Well... That was... Unexpected. I guess... I've just never met their fandom but I hope it's huge af, because I don't know why else would they be here. Sophideon, Gabrily and Charlotte with Henry were supposed to be here, let's be honest. But since they're here, I do think Cassie is able to make a decent story. I expect it to be bittersweet, angsty and somehow heartwarming. I think there's nothing to say except let's wait and find out.

OVERALL I think it's pretty fine. Maximum 7/10 from me. I was ready to face the worst, but it turned out to be... Fine. So it's fine☺🌱

[genderqueerdykes]

hello, I'm a younger transmasculine person and I was curious about a few things (for reference I live in the us in a fairly left state)

- how do you get started on testosterone?

I've never gotten a clear answer on this, some people said it took a two year queue, others could start immediately. idk when I want to start, but i dont want to be confused on what to do when I get the ball rolling

- are there alternatives to shots, and do they work better or worse?

I dont think I could do the shots myself unless there's no other options, something about them just makes my bones hurt

- how often do you have to apply T, and what happens if you forget to take it?

I'm pretty forgetful and I'll probably not take T on the scheduled date at least once, I hope that won't screw with anything because I don't really know if you've got to be consistent with it

- do you have any tips for clothing/voice training?

I think I pass at least a little okay but my voice is one of the things I'm most self conscious about. I also find myself spending 10-20 minutes every morning pulling my shirt against my chest to see if my binders working, and just end up wearing the same sweater I have for the past few weeks

sorry if that's alot, even if you're a stranger you're the first person I've been able to ask about these things. thank you so much

these are all great questions, i'm so glad you're taking the time to ask! this is extremely thorough and well thought out!

How do you get started on testosterone?

That's a great question, i feel like a lot of people have barriers to this one. if you are in a state where you have access to Planned Parenthood, this is usually a good place to start. check to see if you have a transgender resource center in your area. if not, go to whatever local lgbtq organization you can find, even one in a college. it is also possible to search gender affirming care [area], but clinicians aren't always available via Google

Here is a list of informed consent clinics that provide gender affirming care services, you may want to look here.

The process looks different for literally everyone, that's why no one can give you a clear answer, i'm so sorry! it's such a chaotic process for all of us. some trans men will literally get their prescription for testosterone within a month, others it does take years. do some research and see if therapy is required before hormones will be prescribed in your area. if not, you will likely have a much faster and easier time getting your hormones. if you don't need therapy, generally you'll just need to sign some consent forms and waivers stating that you are aware of what you are going to do to your body.

Are there alternatives to shots, and do they work better or worse?

all forms of testosterone are equally effective, it just depends on the dosage and the person. currently in the united states, you can get topical testosterone in the form of an alcohol based gel! it is applied topically to the upper forearms or abdomen, generally daily. it works just as well as the injectable testosterone, so long as you respond well to it! there is also the option of having your clinician do shots for you if you don't respond well to gel, as well.

nebido also may be available for FtM HRT in your area!

How often do you have to apply T, and what happens if you forget to take it?

Daily for topical gel, anywhere between twice a week, once a week, to once every two weeks for shots, depending on the person, how well they tolerate the medication, their transition goal, and the dosage.

Do you have any tips for clothing/voice training?

In terms of vocal training, AmaRoseLessons, Zoey Alexandria, and Trans Vocal Training are YouTube channels that can help with vocal training exercises, and i can also recommend the r/transvoice subreddit as well if you need help figuring out how to practice and ways to integrate what you learn into how you speak naturally!

For clothing, really anything goes, it depends on what you're going for and how you want to look. Remember that your personal style still gets to be included in the mix! Generally speaking, bulkier shapes that obscure the shoulders, hips and chest help a lot, layering of clothes, and wearing clothes with "boxier" cuts. Heavier shoes like boots may help, you may also find you like dress shoes. it really depends on your personal look, but generally speaking, i say go into the "men's" section and go nuts. Whatever they wear, you can wear too, and it gets the point across.

Hope that helps! Thanks for laying out your ask in such a concise way, that's much appreciated! If you need any more help feel free to ask!

[catboybiologist]

March 2024 documentation and transition journal

Just got my levels results back, meaning that the doc is fully updated for March:

This is possibly one of the most exciting and interesting months of HRT since starting, because I've experimented around a lot with injection doses, so let's talk about that! I'm also slapping a couple of old pics in here for reference, so I'll slap some selfie tags on this.

So, lots of interesting HRT stuff. At my last levels check, I was on 4mg injectable EV a week. And… my E actually went down, even though that’s an effectively higher dose than my previous regimen (6mg sublingual/day). Because of this, I talked with my provider, and essentially she told me to fuck around. I probably was way looser with it than she wanted me to be, but she told me to go to 8mg/week maximum, and try and settle on 6mg/week minimum. So….. here’s what I did.

1 week of 8mg.

2 weeks at 7mg.

2 weeks 6mg, during which my levels were checked at mid.

I… can’t really advocate for this. Basically, my logic was that I wanted to see what it felt like to max things out, but have my actual levels check reflect what I’m like at 6mg to know if increasing or maximizing the dose beyond that is necessary at all. Ultimately, I’ve concluded that 8mg feels too high- I start getting a bit of headache and nausea at peak. 7mg feels very comfortable. 6mg, I felt fucking miserable at trough. When I was on 4mg/week, I used a couple of sublingual pills to try and get through that, but I tried to see if I could stop doing that. It went okay for the higher doses, but on 6mg… ugh. Felt like complete shit. I’ll def be using a couple this week to get through that, probably just 4-6mg sublingual on wed/thurs to make sure I’m feeling okay.

Oh. Also. I ditched Spironolactone, against the advice of my provider. 

I was getting really, REALLY irritated by the diuretic effects, so I quit it when I tried to 8mg dose just to see what would happen. I figured that 8mg would be more than enough to suppress T on its own (likely true), and so I thought it would be the best time to try that. And… when I stopped spiro, a depressive haze that had been in my head lifted very quickly. I thought it was just depression based on a rough past couple of months, and that’s probably true, but it also felt physical. The diuretic effects have also stopped, and I genuinely can’t imagine going back on spiro.

I’ve heard a lot of theoretical stuff about spiro potentially being able to inhibit growth and development. It's possibly a growth hormone inhibitor, but should be a more potent antiandrogen than anyone else. It’s…. Really hard to say whether spiro actually inhibits growth. As with a lot of transfemme physical developments, there’s never been a comprehensive, conclusive study on it, which is why its relegated to miscellaneous anecdotes that everyone will swear one way or the other on. I’ll have some opinions on this later.

So what improvement to my levels did I get out of all of this?

Well…. Good, but nothing radical. My midcycle estrogen is 159 pg/mL, which is about my target for trough. It’s a good step up from the 4mg dose, but I’m probably going to increase to 7mg/week- that felt fine to me, and I’m pretty confident that that’ll be the dose that nails it. I’m pretty deadset on going forward with that, I would just need a levels check to verify we’re all good there. (Side note, I’m a bit frustrated that my body literally seems allergic to just… stuff. Idk if I have an overactive liver or what, but my T crashed super easily, adderall consistently lasts shorter than it should, and my E is really struggling to go up.)

And did this result in any physical improvement? 

I actually think that this last month has been the single fastest month of physical development I’ve ever had. Here’s some things I’ve noticed:

My breasts have become much larger and more developed in relation to my chest, with a much better shape. Comparison pictures to even just the end of January show a wild difference (sorry, not posting that publicly). To be fair, though, I’m still pretty clearly in tanner 2, and I maybe want to wait for just a bit more development before I start progesterone. 

Waist measurement is still going down, and hip measurement is still holding steady. This means that, in effect, my hips are getting wider.

And this is one of the most exciting ones- my upper body seems like its getting smaller. I’m floored by this. My underbust is less, my chest looks noticeably less barrel-y, and my ribcage kind of “flows” into my waist better. I wrote a bit about this on reddit just now, but I think I know what’s happening here. Not only is fat burning from the sides of my chest as it builds on the front of my chest, I actually think my costal cartilage might be getting “tighter”, effectively pulling my ribs a bit closer in to my sternum

I have…. No way to confirm the hunches of that last one, other than the images I can show. So for educational purposes (and y’know. Making the funny women in my phone type funny syllables) Here’s a quick timeline where I think you can see the “barrellness” of my chest decreasing:

From left to right, we have September (0-1mo), December (3-4mo), March (6-7mo)

Don't worry, my shoulders are just as wide and athletic dyke-y.

Am I delusional? Is this anything? Maybe. Pictures are hard to make consistent with changes this small. But I do feel like its noticeable, and it seems like women’s cut shirts and tanks have fit me in a way that’s a lot more consistent with a cis woman’s body. Again, there’s also nsfw images, and I think they show a lot of progress, and I think I can pretty definitively say that this has been the single month with the most physical changes since, well, my first month back in September. 

Why did this happen? Well, I’m working with a sample size of one here, and multiple variables have changed at the same time. There’s really three things that could be happening: increased injection dosage, ditching spiro, or the general come and go of physical changes. It’s impossible to completely know what’s going on because of this, unfortunately- I’d need way more data. That said…. This is the first new “wave” of development I’ve had since I started, and my actual blood levels didn’t increase that much. I really, really don’t want to conclude anything, but I’m kinda thinking that spiro had something to do with it. It has broad effects on physiology which aren’t entirely characterized, that could easily theoretically be inhibiting generic growth and development. That said, I think starting with a strong antiandrogen is basically necessary for HRT. It’s extremely difficult to get E levels up without robustly inhibiting T first. Obviously don’t take this as medical advice, or even a scientific opinion. This is nothing more than a hunch.

Idk. I’m happy. I feel like I finally am starting to break through the progress stall I’ve been growing increasingly frustrated with. And I think getting the proper injection dose actually worked to break through it. I’m feeling a lot better with my transition in general too. I won’t elaborate much here, but I’ve been coming out to a lot more people, and its been tentatively going about as well as I could ask. We’ll see what the future holds, but I’m excited about it.

[stripedwolf88]

The Eras Tour: Paris Night 1 (My Thoughts)

ALLLLLLLLRIGHT. So because @bettysgarden12 wanted to know my reactions and thoughts on everything that happened today, I thought I would share with the rest of yous. It's probably not going to be very in depth or analytical so fair warning on that hehe. Also this probably isn't in order of the show because my memory is trash haha.

1.First things first. The lover bodysuit. WHaT iN ThE FRiLly HeLl?!?!? I literally still don't know whether or not I dreamt of seeing that new bodysuit. Definitely, lesbian colors represented there and it was confirmed with the orange blazer she wore for The Man. It was not an accident I'm sure to have the inside be pink too.

(Side note: we all knew that The Archer was going to get cut. It actually makes a lot of sense too. I think we are past Taylor asking us to stay, not that she doesn't still hope us too. It's more like she is fine with blowing everything up now instead of focusing on the worry of messing everything up. At least I hope that is the case. We're here for ya Taylor. You got this.)

2. Second, the Fearless dress. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I also saw that it looks really reminiscent of the original dress she wore for her Fearless tour. It's almost like she is going back to what once was.

3. Third, transitioning right into Red was something. The new Red shirt says "This is not Taylor's Version" when Red is in fact Taylor's again. Some of my moots pointed out that it could be referencing the whole Real Taylor vs Taylor The Brand theory that we as a community have been developing for quite some time. With this thinking, it would mean that the Taylor we are seeing is not someone Taylor claims as her own or something like that. It's not truly her which we all knew already.

4. Fourth, we saw a new intro for Speak Now (now officially just Enchanted since Long Live has been axed.) I don't have much to say on that other than I wasn't surprised that Long Live got cut. This cut also makes sense if we are thinking that Taylor is gonna burn it down. No more reminding about the good times or the "needing" fans to stand by her forever.

5. Fifth, combining folklore and evermore was unexpected but also not? Idk it made sense and to me it just seems like it was easier to combine them since room had to be made for TTPD.

6. Sixth, Rep was Rep. Nothing really changed from what I could tell or remember other than THE FREAKING GLASS CASES SHATTERING!!! YOU BREAK THAT GLASS CLOSET TAYLOR! WHOOP WHOOP!

7. Seventh, 1989 outfit was...something. It's just not my cup of tea visually. I DID NOT notice the lion or tiger(???) charm she had on until someone else pointed it out. Very interesting either way.

8. Eighth, putting TTPD before Midnights was an interesting choice. The whole theory that we still have to meet her at Midnight (credit to my moots for pointing this out again) is supported by this I think.

9. Ninth, the dress for TTPD is amazing!! And so are the other two outfits. The marching band uniform and it's possible reference back to ME! music video? It has me in shambles.

10. Tenth, the performance for Who Afraid of Little Old Me was visually amazing and she sang it beautifully (no surprise there) with such emotion that it was impossible for me to look away. Her levitating across the stage was also freaking awesome!

11. Next the empty cages imagery?? The nurses pulling her away from her lover??? The image of her crouching in the middle of this weird ass place??? That one really kind of freaked me out. It was eerie and heartbreaking in a way I'm not quite able to explain at this moment.

12. I was conflicted about I Can Do It With A Broken Heart both before, during, and after the performance. I had a feeling she was going to perform it and I kind of wanted her to just to hear her sing it live but then not because I knew how the fans were going to react. I really did face-palm when everyone yelled "More!" on the livestream but we all knew they were going to. The transition into ICDIWABH made me want to throw something at the TV but I also did snort on the petulance on Taylor's face for the little act. I really liked the old Hollywood theme for the visuals and the dance. It was pleasing to watch. BY THE WAY....HAVING THE OUTFIT FOR ICDIWABH ECHO HER OUTFITS ON REP IS REALLY SOMETHING. She bamboozled me again.

13. Midniiiiiiights. THE BODYSUIT IS MY FAVORITE ONE OUT OF THE ONES WE HAVE SEEN SO FAR. I'm glad that Mastermind was kept. I didn't think that she would have taken away anything from the Midnights era but if there was I had this weird concern that it would be Mastermind. Thank god my anxiety was unnecessary.

14. The surprise soooooongs~ Paris is a favorite of mine so I'm happy she played it but also of course she did. That was another predictable thing that happened. Her performance of loml was again heartfelt. She seems really happy to sing these new songs and it shows.

15. I am pretty freaking sure that the Bejeweled lights were a LOT more colorful and rainbowy than usual. Was that just me? Please tell me it wasn't just me!

Overall, it is safe to say that I was not prepared for the absolute chaos that today brought.

Taylor, it seems like you're really doing this (I reeeeeally hope that is the case) and I'm so happy for you if that is what is happening. You do you and you show us what's up. I'm looking forward to it. <3

[three--rings]

So it's time for my "alt-right dudebro gamer" Dragon Age opinions.

(Note: I'm a 45 year old womanesque queer person who mostly plays indie and Japanese games.)

(To further my cred I was super excited to meet and hear Karen and Patrick Weekes talk about this game in development at Havencon a couple years ago...it's a small queer con in Austin.)

Dragon Age is my all-time favorite game series. I adored Inquisition, though DA2 has my favorite characters overall.

My opinions about the gameplay reveal are:

The environments and background graphics and effects look awesome.

The character design still bugs me quite a bit. The faces, ESPECIALLY the female faces look Disney/anime/Overwatchy in structure. The textures looks a lot better in game than in that trailer. I miss my Not Particularly Pretty Female Characters. They have sameface now.

There's something off in the lip syncing. Mouth animations looks weird. I can't define it more than that but I noticed it with multiple characters and it through me out.

Varric's hair annoys me SO MUCH. Someone pointed out he looks like Blackwall and now I CANNOT UNSEE.

The structure of the game/quests/whatever looks fine, this reminds me of all the moments running around Haven at the beginning of Inquisition. Some of my least favorite moments, but yanno.

The combat. I'm very worried about the combat.

I am 45 years old and I have arthritis in my hands from gaming and knitting. I gave up knitting to keep gaming. I cannot play some action games. Like Hades, I tried but simply couldn't continue more than an hour because of the pain. And that's with my hands in good shape these days.

Some action games I can play, but only on easy, and sometimes only if I limit my playtime. This is simply a reality I've had to get used to, but it does kill me sometimes.

Do you know how enjoyable it was to pick up Baldur's Gate 3 and be able to put it on a higher difficulty, to be able to actually struggle through combats and have to use tricks and my brain and try and fail and do it again, all without worrying about my hands? Makes me think I need to replay Origins again.

So I'm concerned. The combat in this game is focused on attack type, dodging, parrying, countering (according to bioware)....all stuff that requires quick and frequent button mashing, which is what I can't do. So I'm looking at a game that I can probably only play on easy and maybe even not then? In my favorite game series.

The question we don't really know is how different it will be from Inquisition, and I find it hard to tell from the footage since we can't see what buttons are being pressed. But I'll say that while I love it, Inquisition was the game that first hurt my hands. It made me aware of the problem and made me have to start limiting my activity.

IDK . I just hate the idea that devs have that turn based games can't do well and are inherently not exciting.

Fucking Solas motherfucking killed Bianca! That was the first time in these reveals I've been 100% reacting as a fan. NOT BIANCA!!!! HE MUST DIE!

Oh I did like the Rook in the gameplay and his face looked good. Again I feel like it's the character design and not the engine that is the problem.

As for the plot, it's interesting that Solas has gone from Main Antagonist to Opening Antagonist and I wonder if he's actually going to transition to an ally later in the game to undo whatever the fuck has gone wrong in this clip.

I do still have some worries about the writing. "She's greatest detective ever and she has a lead on Solas." So do you think that lead is the giant glowing thing in the middle of the city spitting out demons? Did you need a great detective?

And basically nothing I've seen so far has super MOVED me, as someone with serious connections to this world and the characters, other than the fucking Bianca moment. I'm hesitantly curious about some of the new companions. And if the griffon thing had come at a moment other than me going WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS? in the trailer I may have been a lot more excited.

So yeah, call me a hater or whatever. But that trailer reveal CRUSHED me emotionally. I was so depressed the rest of the day Sunday. These are my true reactions to the gameplay footage today. I don't have an agenda, other than I want the game to be good and I want it to do well and my confidence in EA and Bioware is at a very low point.

I've tried to keep a realistic mindset this whole time, but keeping in mind HOW MANY PEOPLE have left Bioware, how few OGs are left, the constant turnover in leads, the game being scrapped and redone like twice from scratch. And the game industry as a whole at this time, I have to be somewhat skeptical in general.

I'm not a skeptic overall, I was both a Cyperpunk 2077 enjoyer (but not apologist) and a Starfield defender and frankly there was a lot less reason to be skeptical of those games before release. So am I going to say "well I've been a Bioware fan since KOTOR 1 released, so I'm gonna hype it up and not point out flaws I see?" No. I'm going to be honest.

I'm not a casual Dragon Age enjoyer. I can't react casually to this stuff.

Will I play the game? Almost definitely, but am I going to wait till the release reviews? Probably.

[daughter-of-sapph0]

I keep seeing terfs with "dysphoric" in their bio, and I feel like fucking Inigo Montoya. like, do they actually know what that word means?

like, the way they seem to use it makes me think that it's just a catch all for "being female sucks and it's so hard. because of periods and misogyny. and the evil tranny faggot troons who are invading the west and stealing the blood from our children. I am personally the victim of every situation I am in. I once told someone to kill themselves and they told me "no fuck off". how rude. I'm so oppressed."

like, 99% of their problems are completely made up. they side with nazis and fascists and the far right on almost every issue. they all hate each other almost as much as they hate trannies. they don't have any irl friends because everyone who knows them apsolutely despises their horrid personality. it's a death cult on the brink of collapse. the alt right hates them because they're women. actual feminists hate them for being sexist as hell. the only thing they have going for them is that a washed up children's book author and holocaust denier is the figurehead of their movement.

but on the other hand, there's a decent amount of terfs who are very clearly closet trans men, and I'm pretty sure they don't know it. like, especially the ones who have been groomed into thinking that violently hating your body to the point of serious depression is something that's normal for every single women to experience. cuz holy shit, if you think being a woman is just pure suffering, there may be something wrong on your end.

and I sorta feel bad for a lot of them. because they're in a death cult. they're so deep in this hateful ideology, so far down the pipeline, that they would rather suffer for the rest of their lives and try to make other people's lives worse, because the alternative is transitioning and that would be going against what they've been groomed to believe.

when I say that radical feminism is a death cult, I genuinely mean it. it creates a bunch of depressed suicidal shut ins who spend all their time and energy in their echo chambers online trying to make other people (trans people in particular) feel just as depressed and suicidal as they feel.

I'm not even trying to be like "transitioning would have saved him" or anything. but if these people just logged off, talked to actual human beings, and maybe had someone explain to them that sending suicide bait to strangers online 24/7 is not a healthy way to live and told them that they're being groomed... idk maybe they'd be able to escape the nightmare they live in.

hating being a woman is a good sign that you're not a woman. hating being a man is a good sign that you're not a man. you do not need anyone's permission to be yourself. live your own life, regardless of what other people say.

[cypionate60mg]

I just wanted to say I love what you’re doing omg… apologies if im totally missing the point by the way, I have only read some of ur responses to other asks and I’m not well read at all in the philosophy you talk about. Still I feel really seen by your posts or more accurately your posts feel exactly like my state of mind before committing to transitioning…. The repetitive and often kind of fleeting quality of the images you use reminds me of the obsessiveness I used to have over my (purposely unattainable) wishes of what I could be, the sort of wishes that don’t expect to be fulfilled unless pushed to the forefront by someone else, which the forcemasc does…. The captions are so raw and definitive that they feel half like someone else talking to me and half like my own repressed consciousness speaking what it can’t respectably say through someone else. most of the men being guys who I absolutely will not look like (I’m Asian and really short) adds to this because ur posts feel like the expression of an ideal fantasy, with all the caveats and problematic implications of creating an ideal fantasy of what being a man is based on your half-formed understanding of manhood through tv and the movies and whatnot… it rlly feels like trying to formulate an idea of what being a man would be like, without understanding or rlly comprehending the realities of life as the sort of man you will be. And in this way it’s like being on the precipice of taking the steps to actually realize the person you want to be, which you have some image of, but you really don’t know… the thing about transition (ime anyways) is that it highlights how who you are and who you want and what you value are all more intertwined and codeterminate than ppl think. I think many trans men eventually reach this point where they have to grapple with the question of what makes a man, anyways, besides a desire to be one? These posts feel like the state before unraveling any of that but you can see the strings so visibly there, waiting to be pulled on… Also one particular image you used a bit ago the one of the man and woman on the bicycle oh my god idk what it’s actually from but it felt so precisely like something I’d see while closeted and fixate on for weeks and weeks, creating a whole new image of it in my mind as a symbol of what could ideally be, stripping it of what it actually was while making it something more. Also your blog has felt very validating to me in my desire to turn away from wanting to be pretty, even as a man, which I feel is a box transmascs often get placed in against our will. Sorry this became an essay …. All of this is to say that I really appreciate your work and I’m excited to see where u go with it next !

Miss the point? I'd say quite the opposite. And no philosophy primer needed. If I were to go through, line by line, and find quotes of yours that I found incredibly salient and accurate to my own feelings, then I'd probably be copy-pasting your entire message. Very well-said.

There's also something to be said about being Asian and transmasculine. How it is burdened with uniquely specific assumptions about motivations for transition and rampant intracommunity fetishization. I try not to let it overwhelm me. Biting my tongue for now, but I have a lot to say about this. It's part of why I am painfully careful about whose photos I use, and with what text.

I'm relieved that you are able to pick out the intentional shortcomings of this project. The images show us fantasies of masculinity, and the captions do represent (to some degree) the frustration and neediness that comes from wanting to attain those ideals. They're that "repressed consciousness speaking what it can't respectably say", and I am that "someone else" for you, the viewer. I'll always be here to remind you that you should do it, you should chase after it anyway, because pursuing the impossible still changes you in a very real, palpable way.

"If you can't do it good, do it hard."

Thanks, anon. I hope I hear from you again.

Much love, CYP60MG

P.S. That movie is Rebels of the Neon God by Ming-liang Tsai. You should watch it.

[birdmitosis]

alright kit one voice of the paranoid pretty please with cherry on top 🥺

[ask game here]

(Thank you for re-sending this ask, IDK why Tumblr hated my last attempt so much-- 🥺💕)

HELL YEAH MY #1 BLORBINA!!!!!

First impression

Haha, okay, that vocal delivery is great and I love that paranoia of the "what if He hears us?" followed by "shit!" Paranoid characters can be really hit-or-miss, though, and this particular shtick could get old really fast; I hope it doesn't.

Impression now

My favorite darling who I love and adore, my most beloved of current blorbos, the reason my STP hyperfixation is so so strong, bird of my heart 💖

Favorite moment

This is such a hard call! I'm especially torn between two moments: Of course the initial "Heart. Lungs. Liver. Nerves." is amazing and holds a special place in my heart because it's the moment I knew I absolutely adored her. But also, despite loving absolutely everything about both the Wraith and the Moment of Clarity and the transitions into both of them… "Oh right, yeah, fuck this guy. Don't trust Him." all by itself makes me love freeing the Nightmare in her Chapter II just as much. (Not that there aren't other great lines in that path, like the delivery of "I thought you needed me to run the autonomic nervous system?" which is just hysterical to me! But that line… It just won me over even more.)

As an honorable mention, let me pour one out for the cut Paranoid moment in Apotheosis:

I carry this moment, and Paranoid's thoughts about listening to others' lies having value, in my heart forever. It's just such an interesting touch and I'm incredibly sad it's gone!

Idea for a story

I have so many unbaked, half-formed idea snippets and NO details to go with them:

Paranoid running into trouble when her overpreening habits leave her without the ability to fly in a key situation, when she'd been able to (with increasing difficulty) up to that point since getting out of the Construct.

The world outside the Construct being some post- or mid-apocalypse survival horror situation and somehow Paranoid's body winds up warping in ways that remind her unpleasantly of Nightmare, primarily a bunch of eyes beginning to open up all over her body, especially her wings.

Either post-Construct or a mundane AU, bird-people or human or just human-looking, where Paranoid figures out she's trans (and slowly gains in confidence) due to drag.

Something that explores the idea of the beta voices actually turning into some of the current voices (Doubting becoming Skeptic, Flinching becoming Cheated, Meek becoming Paranoid, and Obsessed becoming either Stubborn or both Hunted and Stubborn -- and Smitten splitting off from the beta's Hero too actually!). I actually do really like the idea of the beta voices being their own individual people out there somewhere, but Paranoid reverting to Meek for a while under some circumstance could be fun to play with! And only Hero, Broken, Cold, and Contrarian would even possibly remember Meek…

Unpopular opinion

Paranoid really is not helpless and I think some people forget that sometimes! She's also got wonky morals. I'd argue that the voices you can get in other voices' Chapter IIIs often says something about them; while getting Paranoid in Apotheosis is more her going "That's Enough" and getting Skeptic in both Eye of the Needle and Den is kind of the same, the way Cold and Opportunist both show up in Wraith-from-Nightmare feels more… simpatico with how Paranoid operates? Paranoid can be fucking ruthless and also seize any opportunity she spots, especially if she doesn't trust a person (and the only people she trusts are the Long Quiet and the other voices).

She is also totally willing to abandon or murder a woman and the only one she seems to feel at all bad about at any point to any degree is the Wounded Wild. She's also also super dedicated to coming out unharmed and surviving, but she will do things like advise slitting our own throat when she thinks it's a good idea, and she is prone to panic but also remarkably self-aware about it and knows her own paranoid tendencies aren't always good, and both of those things can be easy to forget but I love them!

Finally, I want to note that people sometimes seem to forget that she doesn't actually get along as badly with Opportunist as you'd think she might! Maybe it's because when you get Opportunist in Wraith, it's specifically via doing exactly what Paranoid is advising (or would advise) you to do in that situation. Cheated and even Hero are more snippy with and disparaging of Opportunist -- even Smitten is to some degree -- and Paranoid is more snippy with Hero and Broken, and Skeptic is the one who seems most disparaging of her. The dynamics being different from what you might think fascinates me, really, and I'm curious about how both new and old dynamics might end up looking in the Pristine Cut.

Favorite relationship

I MEAN…

Much like last time, romantically speaking I love her dynamic with Cold. But platonically, I'm fascinated by her dynamics with Broken, Opportunist, and the Narrator, love her dynamic with Hero, and would be interested to see more (or any) of her dynamic with Hunted, Skeptic, and/or Smitten in the Pristine Cut.

Among the vessels, I also think she'd have interesting dynamics with Damsel, Prisoner, Spectre, Stranger, and Thorn, and would actually love to see more of her dynamic with Nightmare, Wild, and Wraith. (Looking forward to those new Chapter IIIs, too, and I'm very curious about the expanded Apotheosis chapter!)

Favorite headcanon

Well, hands down my favorite headcanon is transfem Paranoid!

But I am also super attached to her having major difficulties with getting her own body: She overpreens to the point of not being able to fly, she has all sorts of trouble sleeping (nightmares, night terrors, insomnia, even sleepwalking), and worst of all she has a harder time trusting the others to the same extent that she used to, at least at first. They're still parsing as us but they're also parsing as other and it fucks with her a bit. She also can panic due to not being able to protect the others or sense the pain/injury/illness/etc. of the others the way she'd have been able to if they still shared a body...

Like, overall she does like having her own body, it's quieter and she has more control over herself, but there's a lot that's difficult about it for her too.

[mimiri22-6]

Sudden realizations about EE/POP #1

Calliope most likely did the girl's hair before she passed but she only got around to teaching Loralai to do it herself because, well, Molly was 9-10 when it happened. Sure, she most likely knows some basics on how to take care of her hair; what products to use and not to use, how often to wash it ect ect(idk specifics or the right terminology to use, I'm white, so I just kind of let it do whatever??? But also if I have head and shoulders, I'm gonna use it. I do not take care of my wavy, curly, thick hair like I should but...¯\_(ツ)_/¯), but as a smaller child she didn't really have the dextarity or need to learn to it asap. She-*sniff* She had her moma to do it for her.

Molly has a constant afro, but her moma used to put it in puffy pigtails! Like Bear Ears! 😭 AND THE CLOSEST MOLLY CAN GET IT NOW IS TO LET SOME STRAINDS CURL AWAY MORE FROM THE REST TO MAKE SMALLER BEAR EARS NOW!! 😭😭

#GIVEMOLLYBACKHERBIGBEAREARS!!!😭😭😭

I need fanart of 12 yo Molly with her hair done again. I need fanfics of Giovanni learning black hair care and helping Molly with hers. I NEED THE HEALING ARC TO BE SEEN THROUGH HER HAIR TRANSITION! IM ALWAYS SO FKINF FERAL OVER BEING ABLE TO SEE DIFFERENT PARTS OF PEOPLES LIVES THROUGH STILLS AND NOTICING LITTLE THINGS LIKE THISSSSS! (I may not take care of my hair w the right products, but the length of it is Very rooted(ha) in different parts of my life)

istg, if Molly dosen't have pigtails/galaxy buns by the end of EE I'm going to-idek, cry? Maybe cry. Be very upset at least. Like. It's Right There!(Am I slow and this is just a widely known thing that I've only noticed now or did I do something for once?(no but seriously, tell me if this was a thing before I said anything))

[sandyca5tle]

Slime HRT - Introduction and initial appointment

So, I've been inspired by @/ayviedoesthings (idk etiquette around tagging people you don't know, so gonna avoid the notif for now) 's dragon hrt, alongside all the other ones (bat hrt, dog hrt, and fish hrt) to try my own.

Unfortunately, I'm not much of an artist, so I can't really do a comic like they all have, so I decided to do a written diary instead. This is the first time I've done writing like this, let along putting it out publicly, so constructive critisim is appreciated, but don't be a dick. That being said, on with the show. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, this is the first entry of this diary kind of thing; I've decided to keep this, both since I’ve seen other people doing the same, and because I didn’t do it the first time ‘round and kind of regret that.

Anyway, today I went to the clinic that people have been talking about, the one that I’d heard was handing out non-human/species versions of hrt. It had piqued my interest at first, but I hadn’t been certain, partially believing it might be a joke or a prank or something, but then more and more people began to talk about their own transitions, so I began to research it for myself, eventually working up the courage to seek out my own. When I reached the clinic I was a typical mixture of nervous and excited, and was running what I needed to say through my head a thousand times, to make sure I got it right, while I waited for them to call me.

My  nervousness partially stemmed from the unusual nature of what I was going to ask for. I’d seen people posting about fish hrt, dog hrt, bat hrt, and even dragon hrt, but what I was going to be asking for was even more outlandish.

When one of the staff came to get me, they led me to a room with the name ‘Dr Hans Erian’ on it, and told me to go inside. 

My first thought, as soon as I saw the doctor, was that he looked like an evil mad scientist who had turned good - and honestly, given the magic he was working, he might well have been, assuming it wasn’t actually magic. We greeted one another, and he invited me to sit down across from him at the desk he was behind and we began to talk.

Naturally, he asked me what kind of non-human hrt I wanted, exasperatedly listing off a few standard options, a few of which I'd heard of before. Once he had finished, I told him that I wanted to get ‘shapeshifter hrt’. 

See, while I had been looking online, I had come across so many cool, different kinds of animals and creatures people were turning into that I couldn’t pick just one, so I was hoping that I’d be able to get a hrt that let me any I wanted.

The doctor’s response wasn’t positive, as he swiftly told me that I would not be able to take the medication. My heart dropped when he said that, and I had to fight back my emotions from showing; I had seen so many amazing stories online, and I had been so hopeful despite what I knew was an extreme ask, but it still hurt to hear it was impossible.

I should, however, have waited for the doctor to finish his sentence (although in my defence, he paused at a very bad time) as he went on to say that ‘shapeshifter’, or ‘polymorph’ as it was properly called, hrt was more like an additional medication taken with a non-human treatment after a period, akin to progesterone in feminising hrt.

This renewed my excitement, it was possible, I’d just need to become something else first, then I could become a polymorph from there. Also, I really like the term ‘polymorph’; it felt right. He went on to explain that the polymorph treatment needed a base species, one already predisposed to shapeshifting, so that the polymorph treatment would take. The doctor laid out some options, explaining that they were the best options to work as a base if I wanted the shapeshifting treatment later. There were many cool and interesting options, but the two that stood out most were dragon and slime.

Now I’d seen an example of dragon hrt, and while there were definitely many features I liked from it, the end result wasn’t quite up my street. Slime HRT meanwhile was something I hadn’t really seen before, and the idea of being goopy and fluid sounded very appealing, and seemed like a very malleable base for shapeshifting later on, so I decided on that.

He then pulled out another list, detailing the variety of slime hrt’s that existed, and again, I went through the list and selected the one that most appealed to me - a slime made of sap, liking the idea of being somewhat plant-y, and I even asked if that would mean I’d be able to photosynthesize, the returned ‘yes’ making me even more certain in my decision.

The doctor then pulled out some forms, explaining that while originally there was a requirement for you to live socially as your preferred species for 48 months, but due to demand, and many people pointing out the impossibility for some people to do so, (and I swear I heard him mutter something about too many people kicking his door open), that the clinic had moved to an informed consent model. He slid the forms over and I quickly, but thoroughly read through them, before signing off and sliding them back to him.

While I was reading the forms, I noted some of the ‘side effects’ with a small chuckle to myself - ‘Dissolution of bones’ and ‘Loss of skin and organs’ would have sounded a lot worse on any other kind of medication, but given what this was going to turn me into, those were to be expected, and frankly wanted.

I also noted that the hormones I would be receiving would be administered in gel form, which made sense given I was basically going to become like gel, however, it did prompt me to enquire about how this hrt would mesh with the normal, gender, hrt I was already taking, especially given I was taking that as a gel as well. Fortunately, the doctor explained that I could keep taking both together safely for the first few months, but once the treatment had converted half of my body I could stop, given that at that point my physiology would be changing too much for the human hormones to continue to have much of an effect.

After I had signed the forms, it didn’t take long for the doctor to write up the prescription, and to send me off to get the medicine I’d need. As I’m writing this I’ve just taken my first dose, and looking forward to updating when there is next some developments! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed! Next

[saintjosie]

I'm gonna jump in the discourse lol, I don't pass as a trans woman and I don't think I'll care to. But demilypyro was advocating for living as your best self, she happens to be in a country that funded her transition? But other than that she's like poor too. Idk it feels like everyone's just looking for trouble because she was responding to hate with snark

okay people really don’t get this so i’m gonna tell y’all a story. my story.

i’m a trans woman with a fuckload of privilege. i’m pretty, i’m passing, and i have a platform, but most importantly, i had the privilege of starting my transition when i was financially stable on my own in largely supportive environments. and i recognize these things now but i didn’t always.

i started my transition in may of 2020, during the height of lockdown. and at that time, i was working a cushy corporate salaried desk job with full benefits which included both therapy and gender affirming care. i got on hrt quickly, and because of good genes, because masculine asian features are regarded as feminine in western beauty standards, because i’m really fucking good at makeup, and because i was working from home and there was no where to go, i was able to stop boymoding by october of 2020, about 6 months after i started hrt.

and then around that same time, i had another stroke of luck. i made a tiktok about coming out at work, which i did in the most extra way imaginable, and that tiktok went viral. it got 300k views and overnight i went from having 150 followers on tiktok to several thousand. and a less than a year later, that grew to 100k.

that year was rough as hell. i transitioned during a time where going out into the world to find community was impossible. and i lost my job. and i got divorced. and i cut out my family. and because of all of that, i felt like i was doing better than a lot of other trans people. cause i was facing hardships and still doing incredible.

but even so, i was longing for community that would validate and accept me the way that i was validated and accepted online. and so over the next year, i moved across the country three times, something i was able to do only because i was able to afford it

during that year i finally started to get out and meet queer people as the pandemic slowed down. and as i connected with queer and trans people in varying stages on their own journey, i realized the enormous privilege of being able to transition, afford therapy, afford my meds, afford moving to a place where i could find community. i wasn’t just “better at being trans”, i was just luckier than most.

being able to accept being trans is so dependent on having the support structure around you to process what you are feeling. being able to socially transition is dependent on having the people around you who will accept your identity and being in a place where you are able to do so safely. being able to medically transition is dependent on having the physical health and financial stability to do so.

privilege is something that needs to be constantly dismantled within our community because privilege is the main weapon that is used to oppress us.

the fact that this demily person made a snide sarcastic comment doesn’t change the fact that she sought out a person without a following to shit on someone without a following. the inherent privilege of saying something like, “i’m better at being trans” even if she didn’t mean it seriously, shows that she doesn’t recognize the privilege of being in a place where you can learn to accept yourself.

and on top of all that because she’s a person with a following and a platform, the danger of that kind of thinking compounds and is worth calling out.

i’m not misunderstanding her intentions or the context.

you are misunderstanding privilege.

[owlbelly]

not to trans-post like it's the mid-2010s again but. thinking about how impossible it still is to have a real conversation about varying forms of social pressure as they relate to medical transition, due to the entire concept being poisoned by cis scaremongering & gatekeeping of access to trans healthcare. trans people can barely even have nuanced conversations among ourselves because someone might still use them as evidence that

a) trans people don't actually need or deserve access to HRT & surgery - which we know is bullshit but it doesn't even matter who "needs" it, wanting should be enough, bodily autonomy is a human right

b) trans people as a demographic have enough social power to exert pressure (on "vulnerable young people" mostly) on a societal scale re: medical transition - i don't even need to dignify this with a refutation right? this is nonsense

c) if literally anyone has ever felt pressured to go on HRT or get surgery & ended up regretting it even a little, that means trans healthcare on the whole should be shut down

so of course there are people falling through the cracks & unable or unwilling to talk about it. you can't tell me there's no pressure at all anywhere to medically transition. transmedicalism is a real thing that's still going strong (though these days i mostly see dogwhistles) & its very existence creates pressure on folks who can't or don't want to transition that way - not on a societal scale! literally nothing any trans people can do will ever match the cis societal mandate to just Not Be Trans - but it's a real issue within specific trans communities or friend groups or social spaces

there's also a kind of pressure created by the lack of access to medical transition - if the financial/bureaucratic stars have to align & you only get one shot at something rather than it being freely available anytime, that's gonna make you more likely to just go for it when you get the chance even if you have doubts. then there's pressure to medically transition for safety reasons - needing to pass or come closer to passing, regardless of how you personally feel about your body!

idk where i'm going with this exactly i'm just kind of fucked up over the idea that to a not-insignificant portion of people, non-medically-transitioning folks are still "trans lite" or "not actually trans" & also these days that we're somehow "preferred" by cis mainstream culture - which again, really just wants you to Not Be Trans! but if you have to be trans you should be ignorable. that might mean presenting totally as your assignment or it might mean passing perfectly, but if you're trans & visible in any way you are a problem.

what i want is for anyone & everyone to be able to access HRT/surgery, & for it not to mean anything beyond feeling good in your own body. it shouldn't mark you as a gender, it shouldn't even have to mark you as trans! let people just fucking live

[transmascissues]

hey, sorry idk if its ok for me to ask for advice here, but im really lost and dont know where else to go.

i might be starting testosterone really soon, (via informed consent) but i keep flipping back and forth on whether or not i'm sure i want it. some days i think, "yes 100% im a man i want T right now" and thinking abt the effects of T makes me euphoric. other days i think, "wait AM i sure tho? what if it turns out i hate it actually" and thinking abt the effects of T on those days makes me anxious and ambivalent.

i think it might be just a fear of change, but i'm not sure, and i'm worried about making a decision i'll regret forever. it doesnt help i keep seeing ppl say things like "you need to be 100% sure you want hrt before u start because going back and forth puts a huge strain on the body" etc, but i dont know if i ever will be 100% sure.

what do you make of this? do i really need to be 100% sure? am i rushing in too fast? or is this just anxiety talking?

i spent years agonizing over if i was really sure that i wanted to start t, and you know what it taught me?

no one is ever 100% sure about anything. it’s an impossible task. that’s just not how people work — you’re always going to find more things to be anxious or unsure about when you think about it because it’s an unknown thing and it’s completely natural to be at least a little unsure of unknown things.

and most of the time, nobody expects you to be 100% sure about big decisions because we all know it’s an unfair expectation. nobody told me i couldn’t go to college because i wasn’t 100% sure where i wanted to go. nobody tells you to never drive anywhere because you’re not 100% sure that the car won’t crash. accepting risk is a part of life. trusting ourselves to make the best decisions we can — and trusting ourselves to be able to handle whatever happens next — is an unavoidable part of life.

the only reason we’re held to that impossible standard of 100% certainty when it comes to medically transitioning is because people are transphobic and they want us to second guess ourselves and put off hormones or surgery out of fear. if everyone waited until they were 100% sure, no one would ever transition, and that’s exactly what they want.

i look at it like this: hormones are like any other medication. you take them because you decide they have a good shot at making your life better even though there’s also a chance they might be ineffective, have bad side effects, or even make things worse in the end. we accept that risk every time we take a medication because we weigh the options and decide the good that could come of them is worth that risk. imagine if doctors only offered medical care to people when they were 100% sure it would work and not have any side effects — they would never do anything at all!

i can’t tell you if hrt is right for you. i can’t tell you if the risk is worth it for you. what i can tell you is that, when i was unsure about what to do, there were two things that made me decide it was worth the risk:

the first is that i knew i wanted to give myself a chance. the idea of going on hormones only to get more dysphoria from it sounded terrifying, but the reality was that i was already living with dysphoria! and the idea of just accepting that because i was afraid to try the thing that could make it better was even more terrifying. at the end of the day, i decided it was better to choose the option that could make things better than it was to just spend the rest of my life wondering if it would’ve helped. the worst case scenario in both choices is dysphoria, so i figured, why not pick the option where the best case scenario is euphoria? i know dysphoria is something i can live with because i’ve been doing it for years, so i felt that i could trust myself to be able to deal with that outcome if it came. i knew it was possible that i would regret it and wish i had never started t, but i also knew i would regret it even more if i went my whole life never having given myself a chance at something better than the dysphoria i already live with. i figured, if i have to take a risk, why not take the one that excites me instead of the one i would just be taking out of fear?

the second is that hormones are fucking slow. there can be some changes that happen fast but for the most part, the changes on t take time to happen fully, and if i wanted even more time i knew i could take a lower dose to slow things down further. it’s not like you just wake up one day with a totally different body — it’s a process, and if at any point in that process you realize you don’t like what’s happening, you can stop! you’re completely in control; the second it starts to feel like it’s making something worse instead of better, you can decide to stop taking it. even with the changes that came quickest for me, i had time to assess as they started happening, and it would’ve been as simple as putting down the syringe and never using it again if i decided i didn’t want those changes to continue.

(and the people who say you can’t start and stop because of the strain on your body are exaggerating — i had to start and stop multiple times because i was having allergic reactions to all of the serums we tried, and i was totally fine. that was never even a concern my nurse brought up to me. i’m sure it’s not ideal to do that constantly, but i don’t think it’s a big thing you have to worry about.)

again, i can’t tell you if starting t is the right move for you. all of this is just how i made that decision for myself; i can’t make yours for you. what i can tell you is that you are more than capable of making a thoughtful and informed decision without being 100% sure. certainty is not a requirement.

and frankly, anyone who tells you they were 100% sure when they made that decision is either lying about it because they feel like they should’ve been totally certain, or they were in a position to make the decision so quickly that it didn’t leave time to mull things over and find things to be unsure of.

which leads me to my final point: if you’re thinking about it this hard and trying to be this meticulous about making the right decision, you’re absolutely not rushing into it. whatever decision you make, you’ve clearly put a lot of thought into it and that’s all anyone can ask of you.

this is your decision, not anyone else’s, and already you have everything you need to make the best decision you possibly can. trust yourself to choose wisely, and trust yourself to be able to handle whatever your choice brings. you got this.

[catherinekal]

Just some musings on my place in the trans community and why it's hard for me to relate to a lot of what I see. Specifically the online trans community on here and in discords from years ago.

I think I've figured out that I relate more to the woman then the trans part of transwoman if that makes sense? When I did finally figure out I was trans after experimenting with being genderfluid it just made me realize that yeah, I'm in the wrong body, I need to be a cis woman. Long time later once I was actually able to safely get hormones I began that process, as small as that beginning is in this long uphill road.

There's just a lot this community takes seriously or focuses on that I just don't. For me being trans is a call to action. I know what I am, so now I need to transition. It's in the name itself. I was born in a guys body and I have to do what I can to reverse and change that because dysphoria fucking sucks! It's not fun and shitty and I hate how I had to wait this long to start this process. I stare at my shitty receding hair and am throwing what pills I can to stop it, and it's not exactly a fun time. The process is the point though. I can't just wish it away and feel like a woman in this body.

A lot of stuff I see here and on other places care about trying to reinvent gender or piss cis people off or exist outside of whats considered norm and I just don't care about that. More power to you, but that's not what being trans is to me. It makes relating to a lot of people here hard. I just wanna transition and live a happy life as a woman, idk. I'm not out here to make anyone uncomfortable or be this symbol of rebellion or anything like that. In my ideal future I live in Europe with my wife with laser hair and bottom surgery done. Just a happy lesbian couple enjoying life with all the hard scary parts of transitioning behind me.

I guess I don't have this attachment to the identify of being trans that others here have. I don't own a trans flag. I don't own the shark plushie. I do have a little trans pin I wear to work if only so there's a chance a customer sees it and thinks it's neat. For the most part though being trans is more about actions I need to take then who I am. That's the downside with fun cute trans stereotypes, if you don't meet most of them then you feel like an outcast.

I want bottom surgery. I want laser hair removal over most of my body. I want to wear makeup and wear feminine clothes and be cute and voice train and stuff that goes beyond just taking hormones. I want to pass as a cis woman one day. Every so often I'll see a post of someone vilifying passing or going stealth and I don't get why. I get it's not something most can do, including me currently, but those that can aren't doing anything wrong, at all.

People get mad and say passing is just for cis validation and god, shut the fuck up. I want to pass because dysphoria kicks my ass and I would like to have one less reason to think of suicide. I currently can't because my money is better spent, not being spent, and saving for a move to Europe one day. When that's done though then yeah I'm going all in, getting on those waiting list for surgeries, and voice training with my wife, and fighting dysphoria the only way that works for me. I can't wish it away, I can't use willpower to make it not exist. If you can do those things then that's awesome, but I can't relate to that.

I don't care to make cis people comfortable anymore then uncomfortable. I'm doing this for myself.