#idk why my brain says its their energy but. it does

[feralen8y]

have some doodles from the past week or two. so many silly doodles....

[magioffire]

i wish people were more understanding towards young people with chronic pain. its very commom i get told ‘youre too young to be having pain like that’ and ‘youre just being overdramatic’ or ‘you just want to be a victim’ as if im *enjoying* being stuck at home and unable to do the things my peers can do. and they really resent you when you cant do things that people your age should otherwise be able to do easily. i really do get the impression people think young people with chronic illness are just worry warts/hypochondriacs and buzz kills who just want to make everyone’s day a little more bleak with our existence. no, i dont want to go home and lay in bed when im out having fun with my friends, but if i dont listen to the warning signs my body is giving me that im running low on energy/ability to tolerate pain, i will pay for it later. 

[thedarknessthatloveindespite]

today was such a good morning u know. i had slept. GOOD NIGHT SLEEP N ALL. i even got up and got breakfast for me n my mom. I ATE. I CLEANED THE DISHES I USED. i even changed out of the shirt i was wearing for over a week! very productive. wait omg i forgot to mention. I ACTUALLY REALLY HAD PUT MOMS CLOTHS THAT WERE DONE IN THE WASHING MACHINE IN THE DRYER. I have to say. forgetting everything else, this is such a phenomenal act for me. it’s like fcking idk a meodorite fallen down. ITS A REALLY BIG THING. doing that is soooo hard for me. and i always have an immediate ‘no’ body reaction to the whole act but i didnt just fall into it. i like. toook a moment, you know and actually accessed it. and ! literally tho if mom told me i had to put some clothes in the dryer that would have been too much for me

BUT

anyways. i literally fcking did it. fcking hells

ANYWAYS it really was such a good morning day you know. baby steps!!!! and yeah u know i really do know that i dont do enough as i should etc. i really do know. its just really frustating how my mom doesnt see anything of this tho. yeah she needed someone to go n get the glasses and im really sorry for her but going outside was literally too much of a hurdle for me to just do. especially on short notice. like. really. my mind cant even think of trying it. visualling it

[vxiphoid]

PIXELATED ZEN

❨ summary ❩ genshin › genshin men playing minecraft with you ((ft. alhaitham, itto, cyno, diluc, kazuha, kaeya, heizou, & xiao))

tags ✧ modern au, drabble, fluff, chaotic energy, not proofread, cursing, ooc(?), established relationship, gn!reader, kaeya sets a forest on fire, alhaitham does not appreciate bees, mentions of pixelated deaths

amanuensis’ message ⊹ IM NOT TRYING TO KILL MY OTHER FANDOMS I SWEAR… im gonna back up from twst for a bit (im literally posting scarabia soon.) you can clearly tell who my favorites are… this unlocked a whole different part of my brain holy shit im deceased

⌜200+ e/chara ⌟

♫ blossom - t. shan

genshin masterlist

ALHAITHAM

╰┈➤ tbh he thinks minecraft is stupid, i mean, why not read a book instead of burning the images of pixels into your eye sockets😒 yeah, he’d just rather books. its a game about blocks, what could possibly be so interesting? he will admit the music is… nice. its nostalgic even though he’s never heard the track before. his favorite animals are the axolotl idk they’re his little pookies. its their little stick arms, they look so silly… as soon as haitham found out that you could color things its over, he make some sweet things like putting a sign on top of your shared house with both initials with colored dye. he’s so happy, just not very vocal about it, but he has the smallest of smiles. he definitely has headphones with the crochet sprout on it omg😭 alhaitham does not like bees whatsoever, they stung him for trying to get food. he just wanted honey :[

“look, the dog’s collar is blue. and the sign’s letters are green and then if you add a glow squid’s ink, it lights up.”

┏━━━━━━ ━ ─ ╴⋯ ⟢

ARATAKI ITTO

╰┈➤ he has waited YEARS for someone to play minecraft with him omfg. certified snack hoarder for times like these. you both literally hit each other to show love, you’ve accidentally killed him once bc he didn’t tell you that he had like half a heart… itto likes the water, hates the guardians because who do you think you are attacking him out of nowhere??? gets one shotted by the elder guardian while trying to fight it with a stick and then blames it on magma blocks pulling him down. GAMING WITH HIM IS NEVER CALM GODS💀 you cannot lay on him or anything bc as soon as those cave sounds or disc 13 start playing, he’s already done sprung out of his seat. his screams are actually really funny though, you got him a cat from how much he’s been assaulted by creepers. when you introduced him to shaders, he was so in awe. “babe i have a shadow!” type of excitement JAKEJEJDMnda.

“the cat’s name is sir arataki the third, you are now my loyal guard cat. who’s an adorable little guy?”

┏━━━━━━ ━ ─ ╴⋯ ⟢

CYNO

╰┈➤ look at this nerd (affectionate), ofc he plays cubecraft. loved it so much that when he didn’t have the actual game, he would play the really bad knockoffs💀 plays on console so you can sit between his legs, lean back, and game with him. cyno hate the split screen because he always gets confused on what side he’s on so he lets you use his switch, that way you’re both still comfortable. he’s more of an explorer if you do get mod packs for him, likes the horror ones the most. there’s nothing like hitting the enemy or shit talking the thing that could potentially one shot you with your s/o‼️ yall crouch a lot, its like a little dance. he really likes the disc “far” it itches his brain in the right way. definitely downloads the little raccoon mobs but then regrets it because he gives up all his berries to them, look at their little begging arms, literally how can you say no to that?? AND THEY WASH THE BERRIES. you both fall asleep to the ambience and to each others breathing all cuddled up ‘n warm. cyno absentmindedly sings the music while chopping wood or mining that shit has you SLUMPED. he kisses your head when you fall asleep, smiling like a silly goober.

“do-do-do-do do-do-do-do do, neow neow neow nneow neeeowwww… huh? oh, i’m almost done then we can go to bed, yeah? i’ll charge the switch too, don’t worry. just rest.”

(he’s singing that one part in danny lmfao)

┏━━━━━━ ━ ─ ╴⋯ ⟢

DILUC

╰┈➤ diluc does not understand the concept of minecraft but its okay, he’s just happy to be here. he also doesn’t call it minecraft but “cave game”, the original name, he did his research though it is rare that he actually calls it minecraft. found out that you could breed animals and accidentally made a pack of wolves. diluc is really good with redstone its actually insane😭 he’s the type to protect you the whole time while you’re getting flowers for the house, boyfriend bodyguard. diluc doesn’t play much because of his job but when he does, he’s prepared to sit for hours and spend time with you :(. these are the times where he’s most affectionate, randomly kissing your cheek, getting water for the both of you before you play, etc. luc loves the mod pack “industrial”, he can build machines, how neat is that??? also it has way more OMFP with the added features it has yk? he likes the trains :D

“is the water running…? the water’s running, they have moving windmills!”

┏━━━━━━ ━ ─ ╴⋯ ⟢

KAEDEHARA KAZUHA

╰┈➤ kazuha has the most expensive equipment yet doesn’t use this shit half of the time unless he’s streaming with heizou??? like im talking msi infinite rs pc, multiple monitors, a graphic drawing tablet, headphones with immaculate sound quality AND!!! the ear cups have fucking cyberpunk 3d wing guards on them. but anyways, minecraft, yes, he plays. in fact, kaedehara has about 10 beaten hardcore worlds every time a new update comes out, he must beat the game again. he rarely plays minecraft without his shaders so when you want to play the original og minecraft, he doesn’t mind, he actually enjoys the nostalgia. so much so the music is actually his background music when he’s just lazing around. words cannot express how much he dislikes (hates) wardens omg. he’ll protect you from them but if there were diamonds behind a warden, ig he’s going somewhere else😭 kazuha gives you random shit, weather that be something really sweet or questionable…

“love, do you want my rotten flesh? here<3 oh! and, i also got you some steak, you’re low on hearts…”

┏━━━━━━ ━ ─ ╴⋯ ⟢

KAEYA

╰┈➤ he’s heard of it, watched people play, just never played it. but when he does… he’s a menace. kaeya got his hands on flint and steel and set an entire jungle on fire… but he can be sweet sometimes! you’re the one protecting his ass while he walks around at night UNARMED to gather blue flowers for you. like you’re cute, but take a shield or something😭 he’s jumped off of a tall building before and landed on half a heart for a stack of bread you didn’t want. he’s rather oblivious to the mobs around him, he once thought shulkers were friends because they were just “silly little guys in little boxes” yk until they almost killed him. you bought him his own skin and introduced him to parrots and now its his favorite animal, he looks like a pirate!!! kaeya is chaotically sweet.

“yes, you almost died protecting me but how could you resist my everlasting love plus pixelated blue flowers?”

(has a cat unironically named ice spice LMFAO)

┏━━━━━━ ━ ─ ╴⋯ ⟢

SHIKANOIN HEIZOU

╰┈➤ your boyfriend is good at literally anything else BUT minecraft. its the way this game constantly has it out for him too like what did bro do??🙁 heizou stream’s with kazuha every now and again and on those, he still doesn’t know what to do… he’d rather play on the servers, bedwars in particular. extremely good at bw, you’d rather NOT be his enemy😭😭 wins almost every single game even when he carries, rank 98 in the server. yet when it comes to a casual server between you and him, the chats are filled with his deaths and his hashtagged rages💀 heizou despises silverfish which is also why he hates going into strongholds, they could get stomped on for all he cares! >:( he has texture packs with really beautiful skies and then a picnic mod so he can stargaze with you and eats minecraft cake :(<3

“oh. babe, green is heading for our bed, no pressure or anything. i loovveee youuu😚”

┏━━━━━━ ━ ─ ╴⋯ ⟢

XIAO

╰┈➤ xiao has the MOST downloaded mod packs, shaders, and worlds. not very expensive mod packs most of the time but when they are, they’re always good. spends his time fighting off mobs at night, #1 totem holder. he even has his own custom skin!!! he’s kinda been waiting for you to ask so when you do play mc together, you already have your own room, but when you voluntarily move your bed into his room to sleep… he melts. xiao loves cuddling while the two of you play, he’d rather your arms around him than the other way around, feels more intimate. you have matching hoodies for occasions like this. he has the dragon mod pack and has his own golden and orange dragon named ‘li’. he doesn’t talk while gaming, curses silently when he gets hit, but other than that doesn’t talk. if you want to talk, he’ll listen, he likes hearing about your day :].

“no, keep talking. i’m listening. see, li’s listening too.”

[moose-muffin]

im new here (hiya from the hazbin tag lol) but if you do character + character requests than please PLEASE gimmie a lee!vox with ler!alastor 🙏🙏🙏hear me out... the two are fighting and al (sHocKINglY) wins out, and vox expects to like.. be beaten into the ground as a result, but nope!! he gets tickled!!! to tears!!!! smthn smthn he wasnt smilin and, yk, youre never fully dressed w/o a smile!!!

/nf to do tho ty for reading!!! <3<3

OMG OMG HELLO WELCOME I HOPE YOURE DOING GOOD YIPPEE

SO FUN FACT I WAS VERY LIKE NEUTRAL TO RADIOSTATIC BUT TONIGHT HAS BEEN (HAHAH GET IT) AN ADVENTURE AND THIS ROAD HAS BEEN SUCH A BLAST <3 THOSE TWO FUCKERS ARE SO INSTIGATIVE ITS CRAZY.

I KNOWWWW THIS AS A FIC WOULD GO C R A Z Y!!!!! IDK IF ANYONE HERE WRITE FOR VOX AND ALASTOR AND PERHAPS DOES COMMISSIONS BUT I WILL PAY!!!! PLEASE HIT ME UP OR ILL PROBABLY GO TAKE A PEAK FOR MYSELF TMR <3 AS LONG AS THATS OK ANON. (I WILL ABSOLUTELY LET IT BE POSTED AS LONG AS THE AUTHOR IS OK WITH IT WHICH USUALLY THEY ARE!!!!) IM GONNA TAKE SOME CREATIVE LIBERTIES AS I TYPICALLY DO HEADCANONS!

IM NOT USUALLY A CHARACTER + CHARACTER GIRLY SO BEAR WITH ME BUT I WILL DO MY VERY BEST!!!! HOPEFULLY I CAN DO THIS JUSTICE! IT WILL BE RANDOM HCS THAT ARE UNRELATED TOO. MY BRAIN IS A MESSY PLACE HWBSHWDBD

OK SO LIKE I KINDA MENTIONED, THEY BOTH LOOOOVE TO JUST GET UNDER PEOPLES SKIN. LOVE IT!!! ESPECIALLY ALASTOR. HES SUCH AN ASS (affectionate)

I’D EVEN SAY HE’S KIND OF AN INSTIGATIVE LER???? BRO IS DOING EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER TO GET TO TICKLE VOX LIKEEE IDK IF THAT EVEN MAKES SENSE BUT I KNOW ITS TRUE. HE WILL CASUALLY WIGGLE HIS FINGERS IN CONVERSATION, TWEAK HIS RIBS FROM BEHIND, LITTLE THINGS LIKE THAT. WELL THEYRE NOT LITTLE. ESPECIALLY NOT TO VOX WHO IS SO FLUSTERED BY IT… ITS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING

BUT! VOX HAS STARTED TO FIGURE IT OUT. AS HE IS ALSO ONE WHO LOVEEES TO GET UNDER SKIN, HE DECIDES HE’LL DO EVERYTHING TO TRIGGER A LER MOOD IN ALASTOR. IF HE CAN TELL HE ALREADY HAS ONE, HE FINDS WAYS TO SUBTLY (WE ALL KNOW HE ISNT SUBTLE THOUGH) LEAVE A SPOT UNPROTECTED. BUT ALASTOR DOESNT WANT TO GIVE HIM THE SATISFACTION!!! HE TRIES SO HARD TO NOT GIVE IN TO VOX BC HE “WANTED TO BE THE ONE IN CONTROL” AND NOW HE ISNT AND HES #PISSED

ALSO VOX ABSOLUTELY IS HORRIFIED OF VULNERABILITY. YET HE IS ABLE TO MOVE PAST IT WITH ALASTOR HERE. SOMEHOW HE ISNT AS WORRIED ANYMORE. MAYBE HE KNOWS ALASTOR WILL REACT. HE LOVES THAT SO VERY MUCH.

AS FOR THE SPECIFIC PROMPT, OH THAT IS SO REAL!!!! ABSOLUTELY YES!!!

I DONT WRITE GOOD ROMANCE BUT LIKE UGH IMAGINE IT NOW. Alastor definitely just got himself to the V’s tower and was planning on fucking with Vox only to see he had already been kinda pissed off. Alastor wouldn’t be as satisfied if he knew he didn’t cause the frustration. He realized he could just stir the pot again. Problem solved, and what better way to solve it than using his weakness against him.. being tickled.

I’m being a little silly but genuinely Vox is so ticklish. Like most ticklish person in hell would go to him if it were an official title. That’s what I’m thinking. That being said, Alastor also knows how quickly he could get him to crumble… but wouldn’t it be more fun to take it slow.

Vox notices his presence almost immediately. He tried to ignore it as he feels his face get warm. He can’t fuck this up. He takes a deep breath and turns around. “Why hello, Alastor! What brings you to our building this evening?” He said in a semi newcaster voice. He wasn’t ready to drop the act

“Well Vox, I came here for a reason of my own but then I walked by your office and you looked so sad!” He began to walk closer to Vox. “You know, t they say you’re never fully dressed without a smile!”

Vox let out a laugh that was quite clearly untruthful. “Yes Alastor I am aware! I was alone in here and so I figured I’d just save up some energy. I’m sure you understand.”

“Quite frankly I don’t,” Alastor paused, “I think maybe I could help you get that smile back.”

Vox didn’t even have to think. He knew Alastor meant he was going to tickle him. You could ask Velvette. She’s seen those two in tickle fights that lasted for DAYS. she knows what they’re capable of, or more so what Alastor is capable of.

Vox puts up a fight for maybe a couple seconds but he just loves tickles more than he can play pretend that he doesn’t <3

It works out well for them both, Alastor gets to fuck around with Vox and well, Vox gets his shit rocked!!! And he loves that more than a lot of things.

OK IM GONNA CUT IT OFF HERE BUT PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COME BACK!!!! IM ALWAYS DOWN TO HEAR WHAT PEOPLE ARE THINKING!! MAYBE ID DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS AGAIN OR LIKE ADD ONTO THIS!!! BUT I AM JUST ALL OVER THE PLACE CURRENTLY HEHE. I HOPE THESE ARE ENJOYABLE!!! (LOWKEY I WANNA ADD MORE TO THISSSS MAYBE TMR MAYBE TMR WE’LL SEE)

apologies if anything is ooc, i just do this for funsies <3

THANK YOU FOR THIS ASKK

[the-s1lly-corner]

Down Time with the Creepypasta Guys

Another short thing to burn some time!! I apologize for any spelling or grammar mistakes :(!! Its v cold in my room rn and I'm shivering <\3

Slenderman;

Really, when the two of you have time together, with norhing to do, he mostly just goes along with whatever you want to do

Something tells me he'd much rather study and observe you, but I also feel like he'd join in whatever activity to humor you

Reading? Movies? Games? He won't turn you down if you ask politely

Dont expect him to go out in broad daylight with you, though

His favorite activities to do with you by far are reading, but he also enjoys slow dancing with you

Even just holding you and swaying is enough

Almost makes both of you forget he's a monster

Eyeless Jack;

Another one that's down with whatever you want to do

I feel like right off the bat Jack would want to stick with something simple, that doesn't take too much energy

If you bring something to his cabin that can play movies, he'll pull himself close to you and melt into your side

He may even sling an arm across your torso, if he feels confident enough that you won't freak out

Since I hc he lives out in the woods, he won't mind taking you around for a walk; as long as the weather isn't too bothersome and you don't run off and get hurt

Don't expect him to play games like tag with you

Laughing Jack;

Now this guy? Real funny guy

You two would probably get up to the stupidest shit tbh

He seems like the type to engage in friendly roast battles, not sure why

You two could spend hours poking fun at each other like this

Obviously you introduce him to comedy shows and skits, and generally show him things you find funny

If he wasn't an 8 foot tall clown he would LOVE to go to a fair or carnival with you, hell! He'd probably enjoy places like chuck e cheese

He seems the type to go bonkers over those places

Tim (Masky);

This is all assuming that you don't know about his whole proxy thing, since that's how I wrote the Christmas scenario a few days ago, so for the time being I'm sticking with that unless the prompt says otherwise!! So!!

Sleep

Lots and lots of sleep

He'll get red in the face if you bring it up, but he's a huge cuddlebug

Constantly holding some part of you during your nap sessions

Hand. Arm. Torso. Leg. Wrist. If he can get his hands on it, he's holding it

Will end up snuggling into you even if you two are sleeping on opposite sides of the bed

If you two really want to, you may go out and catch a movie, or go out to eat

Another thing you two often do is tend to the wounds that appear on his body when he's away... he seems to get stressed when he can't recall where they came from

Brian (Hoodie);

The park is probably his go to place to unwind

Watching clouds, feeding the birds, maybe walking along a trail or two

He wants to just.. chill, much like how Tim does, but he's far more willing to go outside than Tim

Though, he's not against staying in for the afternoon and doing a couples activity

He seems like the type to enjoy cooking and baking

Idk why

Matching aprons

Maybe he'll hug you from behind n guide your hands during it

Not to make you feel bad or that you're doing it wrong!!

He wants to be close to you, is all

And thars another one done!! Sorry if it's a little dry <\3 im trying to scrape my brain for ideas but I'm drawing blanks <\3

If there's any creepypastas you want me to add to my base list let me know!! If I'm comfy with adding them I'll add them!!

[veliseraptor]

So that latest Zelkam art of the core transfer has been sucking my brain out of my head all night. And now I can't stop thinking of how much JC's inherited that he never wanted or knew: Zidian (mother), the core (brother), Jin Ling (sister), Suibian (brother x2). I'd include the Jiang name and clan if I wanted to include his father. And it hurts me. He's left with so many remnants of his loved ones and yet how hollow does he feel? How unloved? Answers surely depend on post/canon timeline but idk. I'm just wrecked. *dies quietly*

I have a lot of Feelings about the ways in which Jiang Cheng really does just keep getting handed inheritances he doesn't want to have. People keep giving him things (in a material and metaphorical sense), but it doesn't seem like the give him things as an uncomplicated gift but as this enormous, weighty thing that comes with an immense price. "Here, take my life," people keep saying to Jiang Cheng, "take this and my death with it." And the hideous irony of the core transfer is that that's true even when Jiang Cheng himself tries to give his own life for the people he loves, only with the result that Wei Wuxian turns right around and gives up his own to "fix" it.

But yeah! His mother bequeaths him Zidian in the process of sending him away while she dies. Wei Wuxian dies and leaves him with a flute and a sword he doesn't want. Jin Ling...it's not that he doesn't want Jin Ling, he always would have wanted to be in his life, but not like this. oh I know I'm going to do the thing I do and quote my own fic

You, me, and a-Cheng, said a-jie’s voice in his ear. We must stay together, and never separate.

He’d never learned how to let go, but he’d been the one left behind anyway.

for someone who is in a lot of ways defined by the way that he holds on to the past, for better or worse (and I don't think it's all bad! his success rebuilding Jiang Sect is I think owed in part to his drive to never let what happened to it before to happen again), he does keep end up being the one left, and left holding mementos and reminders that are just a constant chafing reminder of what he lost.

it really adds something fun and spicy too to the bit during the second siege of the Burial Mounds, both in the novel and in CQL:

Jin Ling had never seen so many fierce corpses before, much less at such a close distance. He could feel his scalp tingle, and clenched Suihua's hilt. Yet, suddenly, his fist was peeled open, and a cold object was stuffed inside. He looked down in surprise. "Jiujiu?"

Jiang Cheng propped himself up with Sandu, which had lost its spiritual energy. His figure wavered slightly. "Try losing Zidian, just see what happens!"

[...] When Jin Ling saw that all of the people his age had rushed over, he couldn't hold himself back either. When Jiang Cheng was distracted, he stuffed Zidian back into his hand and sprinted toward the front... (Chapter 80, trans. Exiled Rebels)

The way it's acted here in particular it feels very much like Jin Ling at least has a sense of how loaded this gesture is, whatever Jiang Cheng says about giving it back. Here he is! Continuing the chain of just passing down things as a legacy that in no way substitute for the person they stand for.

just to set those screenshots alongside this:

there's something I think to Jiang Cheng that's not just incredibly painful in all the obvious ways about the core transfer, but specifically in the way that it's related to a sacrifice he very deliberately made - and now he finds out that not only was that sacrifice ultimately utterly pointless, or worse than pointless, the person he originally made it for made it so. It's this "oh, you can sacrifice yourself for me but I can't do the same for you?" that's so bitter to feel, both because I do think there's some amount of "why do you always, always get to come out of things the hero" but more than that, "why did you do this when I made my decisions specifically to protect you; does my desire to protect you not matter? doesn't it mean anything?"

Jiang Cheng standing with his hands full of memorials going "I don't want these," because what he actually wanted was his family, but the world kept taking them away, and apparently in at least one case his family actively didn't get the memo.

[lord-squiggletits]

In the last salty asks post I unintentionally went on a tangent in the notes about how JRO wrote religious characters which is like actually something I want to bring up on its own so like

Is it just me or does JRO have some real misses when it comes to writing religious characters? Not like every religious character is badly written or evil, but like... several of the ones that are fall into really bad or unflattering/shallow stereotypes? It's hard to put my finger exactly on why I feel that way bc he does write some actually good religious characters (aka Cyclonus).

For example, characters like the Functionist Council and Star Saber are fine to me because I'm like. Well Functionism being religious in origin makes sense, it's an interesting interplay of how religion influences the state/how the state leverages religion to bend the populace to its own whims. Religious bad guys =/= all religious people bad. Star Saber is just some random zealot that wasn't meant to be that deep at all, and eh the Inquisition-type religious zealot can be cool even if it's just the vibes of it.

But then there's stuff like... Tyrest being a normal, rational, not particularly religious guy until he gets shot with a bullet that gives him brain damage, causing him to start ranting about Cyberutopia and thinking God is personally talking to him in his brain...? Like, idk, was it really the best idea for an antagonist to go "he is evil because he got brain damaged against his will w/o even knowing what really happened to him and also because he's brain damaged he's now literally delusional and became a religious (and genocidal) maniac." It comes off as really bad taste/not thinking the implications through as far as how it reflects on religious people (bc the whole "religious people are literally delusional and stupid to think that their gods could possibly exist" thing is tired and offensive). Not to mention kind of ableist w/ the whole "oh he became evil bc he got shot in the brain and now there's literally something wrong with his mind."

(Doesn't help that the MTMTE logbooks revealed that the original idea for Tyrest was to have his killswitch be about trying to identify and execute all of the criminals/"guilty people" on Cybertron, basically an extension of his role as Chief Justice which makes so much more sense and is way more interesting and compelling???? Certainly better than (gets brain damaged) "Ah I'm now going to genocide all cold constructs because God told me to")

And then Drift with spectralism which...which... basically the extent of that whole religion is the name of a single festival (the Lost Light festival the eponymous ship was named after), and some stuff about face/body paint and colors having spiritual symbolism, then the Guiding Hand/Primus stuff that's also shared with Primalism. But then you have Drift who's the main representative of this religion basically being written as a phony who doesn't even believe in the shit coming out of his mouth. Or if his beliefs are sincere, the way he acts is basically just "oooooh, I sense unclean vibes and read into the energy of the universe" which is played for laughs or mocked by the other characters most of the time. And Drift's character is written so inconsistently (and the general religious worldbuilding so one-dimensional) that it's hard to tell if Drift is supposed to be read as some kooky fake hippie type or if he's genuinely a representation of Spectralism in general. Like, idk, the best JRO could come up for for building a religion was "they wear certain colors and patterns on them and vaguely talk about sensing energy from the universe?" It literally feels like baby's first fictional religion or like, religion as understood by a non-religious/atheist person who sees religion as nothing more than an aesthetic or some quirky rituals.

I'm not saying the story had to be about religion or have religion be brought up in every conversation, it's just...... the way he wrote/did worldbuilding for it comes off as as very "non-religious person who doesn't have any particular understanding of religion/why people are religious tries to write what they think religion is about" and most of the time it's kinda cringe.

[mcl38]

and in light of fun stuff i'd love to hear your thoughts on, saw a post a while back that got me thinking and basically reached the conclusion that carlos and lando's personalities complimented each other perfectly, which in a way brought out the best in both of them, while lando and daniel have very clashing personalities (not that they didn't get along eventually, just very different). meanwhile lando and oscar's personalities just like. match.

seen people say lando is to oscar what carlos was to him and in a way, yes (oscar clearly does look up to lando a bit and lando took the brunt of the media stuff in the beginning to make him more comfortable), but i also think there is a pretty big difference there. landoscar just feel very aligned to me idk. would like to hear what your opinions are :) think you always have good takes

so i left this for a couple days bc its literally been slow cooking in my brain like a stew... thinking abt this so much. u bring such a good point abt the difference between complementing and aligning / matching...

i often find it rly fun to look at friendships and relationships thru the lens of sibling dynamics - its my own personal brand of astrology or ig personality typology that im addicted to. and w carlos and lando i think the reason they 'complemented' each other so well was bc they very easily fell into an older-younger sibling dynamic - both r middle children, and idk the exact numbers but carlos should probably be around oli's age (landos older brother, who lando's rly close to, arguably the closest of all his siblings - not only did they used to travel for karting competitions back in the day, but nowadays they share a core friend group and go on holiday together, which is cute). so like, lando as a 19 year old rookie, shy but full of energy, is in the perfect position to be lightly bullied, shown the ropes, taught random shit, be shoved into walls, etc by someone who likes to play within that older brother role

so you have that first of all, which already creates some familiarity for lando (who otherwise is quite slow to thaw out of keeping ppl at arms length), and also the fact that they got along w each other quite easily. i dont think theyre that similar (again, complement, not match, its so brilliant), but theyre both entertained by quite simple things, which is y their humour tended to be so lowest-common-denominator: words that sound funny, hitting each other in the balls, dirty jokes, etc. i think where they DO find similarities is when theyre serious - they both have a very head-down team-first sort of attitude (which i think rly solidified in lando BC of carlos), so their trust in each other in terms of that helped make their more personal friendship rly straightforward and natural

daniel meanwhile... where do i start. i spent two years losing my mind in dms over the glorious trainwreck awkwardness that is dando and their interactions. i still cant QUITE parse it but its so good. u have lando whos used to having quite a reactive/passive friendship with carlos, suddenly putting his feet on the ground and his shackles up bc he stopped liking the directions he was being pushed in w daniel. i think daniel deffo is a big, domineering personality, naturally kind of selfish (youngest sibling AND im pretty sure the only boy) (im not judging him im also the youngest i can reclaim), and to keep it concise i think it kind of gave lando the ick.

lando is a very judgemental person, and his humour is quite specific - he'll laugh at the dumbest things ever, like the word 'blowy' or 'pubes' or jokes abt girls running away from him, AND also rly subtle sarcasm that takes a lot of context clues. but he just cannot operate within the middle ground: the typical snl-style (american type) classic humour. he just doesnt get it. when ppl try to do it with him u get things like 'lando i hope you're sitting down... you're p2' 'i don't know why will said that, i'm literally strapped to my seat' and 'throwback thursday' 'it's funny cos it's friday'. he sucks at metaphors and doesnt have patience to wait for punchlines, so the fact that daniel is kind of like universally 'classically' funny actually worked against him - especially bc daniel was fuelled w the confidence that lando liked him and found him hilarious

so thats actually the other thing - is daniels incapability of actually listening to lando. again, we kind of start from the standard of the carlos relationship, with lando as the reactor, but carlos was always rly attentive towards lando. and then daniel comes in - u have lando like a dog who figured out ur trying to exit the park and has suddenly refused to keep walking along, and daniel holding an endlessly extendable leash, whistling a little tune, completely oblivious that his dog is still like three streets down. lando was throwing him jab after jab after joke after joke for like the entirety of 2021 ('they just dig up jam' forever my favourite), but they would just fly over daniels head, making lando become more and more detached and disinterested in interactions w daniel. waaaay into their partnership as teammates, theres this video of lando telling daniel that theyre serving cookies (?) somewhere, and daniel says 'so you got a brownie?' and i think lando says smth like 'nah a cookie, not a brownie, otherwise i wouldve said brownies', to which daniel is like 'i respect that, you're finally dishing it back'. and i rmbr my reaction was like FINALLY ? WYM FINALLY?? hes BEEN doing this for SO LONG like ALL THE TIME now.

idk, its weird bc opinions r rly split on dando, some ppl in yt comments or reddit or whatever still say they were the funniest duo in f1, but other ppl will always pipe up saying the energy was awkward and it was clear they didnt like each other. neither of those things r true for me - i think they did like each other, especially later on (professionally, i think lando definitely had a lot of anxieties abt having to outperform the big new top dog in the team, which made him a bit colder, but i think he gained a lot of respect for daniel when he saw how much daniel was struggling but how much he was still willing to show up and do the whole job until the end w a smile on his face). i have a suspicion they probably get along way better 1 on 1, bc a lot of daniel's off-putting intensity happens when he tries to play up for the cameras. but i am also partly thankful for that too, bc we had a couple art challenges in 2021-2022 where daniel did all the talking, so lando could focus on having fun with his Little Tasks, and thats literally my fav type of mclaren video, so cheers danny.

so then we get to oscar. i think the main difference with oscar is that, for the first time, lando doesnt have a bigger personality imposing itself on him. if he used to b reactive with carlos and daniel, oscar is way more laid back and passive than him, which means lando is finally for the first time the one setting the pace. especially in the early days, this was obvious - lando would throw out the beginning of a bad joke, expecting to be interrupted or one-upped, but oscar would just sit there quietly creature-staring, waiting for lando to finish his train of thought. it was so awkwardly delightful. so what u get now is that lando isnt playing catch up anymore - which doesnt mean hes making oscar do it now. on the contrary, what ive found is that lando brings his personality to oscar-volume, which sounds like it would be dull but it so isnt. again, he thrives in quiet subtlety, and so does oscar, so u get videos like the finish the lyrics where u have to turn the volume all the way up to even hear what theyre saying, but its so worth it bc its SO fun once u do.

in terms of matching, theyre definitely quite similar in terms of humour. both of them love the awkward pauses and jim halpert looking into the camera and eye rolls and deadpan. it took a while to find their rhythm w two of them playing the same joke-role and not having a straight man (comedy term!!) to bounce off of, but i think they figured it out. theyre different enough in terms of family dynamics (oscar is an eldest brother w many sisters, but also younger than lando) that neither of them would fit a pre-made space, so they can just kinda be on equal level to each other. this is especially true since theyve grown up in the same circles - never raced each other directly, but lando moved up categories rly fast, which means oscar spent his late teens mostly racing ppl lando was racing in karting and early single seaters. (most significantly, max fewtrell, who oscar used to b in the junior renault academy with, and who i think is kind of a good representation of what lando and oscar have in common - lowkey, sarcastic, deadpan, but also not taking himself too seriously)

to come back to what u said abt oscar-lando being inverse lando-carlos: i also see it to some extent, like u said (theres those tiktok edit parallels like lando telling oscar to cut his hair the way carlos said it to him in 2019). i think its mostly something lando himself is conscious of and sort of imposes on himself - he often compares oscar's personal trajectory to his, like when he says oscar will open up and be less quiet once he gets comfortable (which was true), so i think hes deffo aware of the comparison. but i dont think it runs any deeper than that, bc i havent seen lando position himself as the same kind of mentor-guru in-the-know older figure. i just dont think his personality can mould to that

idk sorry for this novel size answer. i have even more thoughts abt oscar and lando that im currently trying to shove into a fic so like. all of this has been floating in my brain for ages now

[theold-ultraviolence]

Hey besties! I debated whether or not I should make a post about it cause I don't want to seem dramatic lfjlskgsjdg, but I figured a lot of people follow me for my writing, and well, there hasn't been any writing going on lately (lol) and I don't even know if there will be, at least for a long while. I think I just might go into a little bit of a hiatus there because, I don't feel like writing anymore for a number of reasons, mostly because this year has been incredibly tough for me and my brain is absolutely mush. I want to write, but I can't physically bring myself to do it, even if the will is there and the ideas are overflowing. I'll still be here and everything (I have never made a side blog, all my silliness goes into one same place lmao), and if questions about my aus come up and stuff, I'll love to reply to those and brainstorm/fangirl about ideas together, but I can't say the same about actually posting fully formed stories.

Another thing is that I'm kinda burned out from fandom. Life is hard as it is and while fandom in general is amazing there are just parts of that suck, even from a distance. The discourse, the cliquey-ness, the hate people are receiving, the drop in interaction... I've always been cruising through different fandoms and avoid drama because I'm always in my little corner, but even while keeping to my corner, this is the first time that without even engaging in it, its found me? An interaction I had some months ago with someone just left a really bad taste and a weird feeling about posting stuff and not knowing with whom I could talk to, so I just distanced myself from it. Which is also kind of a bummer because I don't think I even had that much of a presence in the beginning? I don't want to seem like I'm whining, but, the reality is that my name rarely ever gets brought up in rec lists/posts and such, so it's kinda daunting to think that my work may not have as much transcendence in the fandom anyway when I've been here for a long while, and it does feel a little bit like, feeling left out, which bums me out. But ultimately, worrying about being active and posting fics regularly is just, such a silly thing to worry about when there are other things happening in life anyway.

This is not to say that I'm not acknowledging the people that have supported me from the beginning and continue to do so. If you've reblogged my stuff, or contacted me via dm or ye old inbox, know I freaking love and adore and appreciate you and that's what's exactly what's given me the motivation to write when things were tougher for me this year. It truly, truly means the world to me, and I consider you a bestie. It's so freaking special to me, every single time, when you reach out to let me know you enjoyed something I posted or that you're having fun with my ocs. So this part of it all is why I wished I was more active and that I had the energy to keep writing to interact with you, but I'm just not in the headspace for it right now.

And idk I just might be feeling a bit sensitive these days and becoming a bigger hermit each day, Ewan Mitchell style (lol), but I had it in the back of my mind that there are people that follow me for my writing, and that have even requested fics after I closed them, so I wanted to give these moots a heads up. I do have a lot of ideas I was excited about, not to mention tons of wips that have been left gathering dust so maybe in the near future I can find some time to write. I'm just not feeling inspired or motivated at all these days. If you're sticking around despite my blog being a whole mish-mash of spooky things and whatever blorbo is rotting my brain at the moment, you're seriously the best and I love you for it.

[emmabirb8]

Could Nandor have fallen first?

*This has nothing to do with the most recent ep and almost nothing to do with season 4 as a whole, just a quick fyi* 

Oh man, Idk why this just now occurred to me, but it's entirely possible that Nandor fell for Guillermo first.

I know that most Nandermo fans are probably inclined to believe that Guillermo fell in love first, but what if it was the other way around? Hear me out.

See, I'm under the impression that Guillermo did not fall in love with Nandor at first sight. Rather, he became infatuated with him because, well, Nandor is tall, attractive, and the first real life vampire Guillermo had ever met. Of course he quit Panera on the spot and jumped at the chance to become his familiar. And I think that infatuation probably lasted a few months. Maybe a year, but that's a bit of a stretch. 

It definitely would not have taken long for that infatuation to fade though, and for pure annoyance and frustration to take its place. I mean, c'mon. We all know how much of a whiny, ungrateful pain in the ass Nandor can be. The prospect of one day being turned was probably the only thing keeping Guillermo from quitting during those first few years.

But then, something changed. Idk when exactly (my best guess would be year 4 or 5 maybe??), but somewhere along the line, Guillermo began to actually like Nandor. He started to find his quirks and idiosyncrasies endearing and developed an honest crush that snowballed and snowballed until he had fallen in love without even really realizing it. And we all know how that love morphed into an unbreakable devotion and codependency that Guillermo has actually (somewhat guiltily) acknowledged on camera.

So, Guillermo's journey to falling in love was anything but instantaneous. It was a gradual development that took quite a long time to really blossom.

Nandor, on the other hand, was different, I think.

Despite how emotionally constipated and confused he often is, Nandor has been known to fall fast and hard for people. Take Gail, Meg, and Jan as examples. In all three of those cases, Nandor believed he was in love and wanted to spend eternity with whoever was in his sights at the time. Now of course, all those times, he was jumping into things way too soon and mistaking his surface-level affection for true love, but my point stands. No, he may not always be able to interpret them correctly, but Nandor feels his emotions very intensely. It's an important aspect of his character.

What does this mean in relation to Guillermo, you ask? Well, I'm not saying Nandor fell in love with Guillermo immediately. However, I do think Nandor's journey to falling in love, while similar to Guillermo's (minus the infatuation stage), happened at a much faster rate.

While Guillermo was still in the infatuation stage, Nandor was entering the annoyance stage. As helpful and efficient as Guillermo has always been at his job, I'm sure Nandor became irritated at his constant hovering and worrying, especially during the time Guillermo was most likely putting all his energy towards making a good impression in those first few months. But, Guillermo's constant and consistent presence and dutiful hard work stirred something in Nandor. For the first time in a long time, he felt safer and calmer. As Guillermo moved on to being mostly annoyed with his master, Nandor began to  (secretly) truly appreciate his service and enjoy his company every now and then.

By the time Guillermo was starting to fall in love, Nandor had already been there for a while without having even a tiny notion about his own feelings (because, as we all know, the poor guy has the emotional intelligence and maturity of a rock). Nandor's dark, lonely, bitter world had shifted into a much happier, protected, and comfortable place, but his brain didn't make the crucial connection to see that Guillermo was the reason for that change. 

Subconsciously, Nandor went from light fondness to completely head over heels faster than Guillermo could come to terms with having a serious crush. And the dumbass (affectionate) didn't recognize the shift in his own feelings as it was happening because I don't think he has ever felt such deep, genuine love for anyone before. Every other time he thought he had "found love," even during his human life, it was only ever surface-level. So really, can you blame the guy for being unable to pinpoint his feelings about Guillermo when it's such a new (and scary) emotional experience for him? 

Nandor's heart runs a million miles a minute, but his brain runs a couple years behind the present, so it takes him a while to process things. Luckily, season 4 has shown him to be more emotionally open than he's ever been, and even tho his brain has only caught up to thinking of Guillermo as his (best) friend and closest companion, it is definitely progress!

He will get there, friends. It's gonna take a little more introspection, but he will realize the extreme feelings he's been having SO MANY OF lately are, in fact, passionate, romantic love for Guillermo.  

But anyway, that's how I think Nandor could have potentially fallen in love with Guillermo before Guillermo fully fell in love with Nandor. (Tho Guillermo was obv the first to consciously acknowledge and accept his own feelings.)

Join me in part 2 of this wild tangent where I discuss Nandor's odd behavior towards Guillermo and the intricate rituals they both constructed to achieve appropriate levels of physical intimacy between a vampire and familiar to sate their mutual hunger for touch! 😁

[ghost-town-dwellers]

im writing a full smpronpa review because honestly that fic kinda changed my brain chemistry. this will be bullet point format as i am lazy

okay, so disclaimer- i havent seen smplive so i cant talk about those streamers characterizations. HOWEVER, i had a 3 year long derange danganronpa phase and have been abnormal about technoblade since 2017 so i do consider myself a bit of an expert on those aspects. oh also im taking the poke route and replacing that guy with yahi 👍

- gettin the techno things outta the way. first off, really likes his characterization and how it didnt fall into the trap of “overly bloodthirsty and unemotional” technoblade while still keeping his hitman status from tekkitlive i believe? and his deadpan demeaner. A+

- on the negative side, i will never get forgive the author for missing out his speech quirks like dropping the “g” at the end of words or constant use of “bruh”. additionally, plotwise, i feel like technoblade as the hitman sent after schlatt and co was disregarded a bit too quickly? and also came off as weird considering no one was meant to have any memories?? like why did schlatt and co and techno remember that part??? idk that just confused me but its danganronpa so whatevs

- the talents. they didnt.. feel like they had much of a purpose? like they didnt feel like they added much to the characterization, but that does add something interesting to the fact that the talents were a fake concept all along so i will not say if this was good or bad and will leave it up to you

- speaking of, was there a reason we never found out ty or travis’ talents? like they died and we just never found out what they were or why we didnt know. like. that confused me

- on the OTHER hand. the fake talents imply that yahi made HIMSELF the ultimate comedian which is objectively hilarious. big obama giving obama a medal energy

- poke. girl they did so little with him that i REGULARLY forgot he was there. bro just do SOMETHING with him. however, this is also a classic danganronpa experience so i will accept it

- the third trial kinda went crazy. i liked the twist on two victims to instead be two killers. genuinely an interesting version of the third chapter, and ryan was like.. a weirdly compelling character, especially after that trial

- half of the end twists were just straight ridiculous. im not.. really a fan of the “it was joko actually it was yahi actually it was cooper” thing, but its very sdr2 core so tbh thats fair. on the other hand, what in the world exactly happened to joko????? like he was at the final trial for like a Minute but he was dead beforehand in the flashbacks???? was he a robot????????? im so confused

- also, what was the purpose of charlie fakin his death? once again, very danganronpa of them but fundamentally kinda weird and unnecessary. i understand the in universe explanation but like.. out of universe why was that decision made?

- i would like the give the author massive kudos for the actual murders and trials. as someone who has participated in and even RAN danganronpa fangame rps, that shits HARD. it was pretty well done! not perfect, and some parts were hard to follow but i have ABSOLUTELY seen worse

- i also started really liking angel as a character. i liked the choice to have her actually be a detective lying about her “ultimate” and she felt very genuine and interesting. schlatt also came across as a pretty interesting antagonist with canon-typical confusing motives

- also whatever the fuck joko and cooper had going was gay as HELL. like idk what was up but it was deeply homosexual

- i also liked the way the ending had a sort of commentary on fan culture and the increasing escalation of entertainment for the cruel enjoyment of the masses. very yugioh arc v z-arc core for the like two people who get that reference. im not entirely sure on how WELL it was executed especially within the wider context, but i still found it interesting

thats the general review! ill update this if i realize i forgot stuff but all in all thats what i wanted to say

[unclassedguy]

The Details of Genderbend Naoya Au:

*yap incoming*

Just a collection of my thought process and ramblings about this collection of drawings to scratch the itch in my brain.

General ramblings:

This is not a fleshed out au. There isn't much of a storyline and I don't exactly know if I will ever make one.

The au doesn't follow the jjk canon apart from some general things like Toji leaving Megumi and Tsumiki etc.

The ‘story’ follows Naoya Zenin after an accident that should have killed him instead leaves him unscathed. That is, until he wakes up the next day with a girl's body, a kogane companion, and the ability to see strange creatures (cursed spirits) and people who should have been long dead.

Bro is basically now part of a culling game-esque event involving people who were saved from death like him, those who died long ago and were resurrected, and creatures that should have never entered the living realm. Some people such as him with bad karma for their actions, are given certain handicaps and/or punishments when they're brought back from death. Hence girl-Naoya.

But, by destroying the souls of beings with even more bad karma than you, you can gain points that will give you access to abilities (cursed techniques) or lessen your own punishment or handicap.

The Kogane function the same here as they do in canon.

Basically, this is me drawing fem Naoya with a bunch of extra steps 💀

Drawing one:

A lot of the ‘story’ of this au just happened randomly as I was doodling, Kenjaku and Takaba running Naoya over being part of that.

I wanted to draw Naoya reacting to him becoming a girl for the shits and giggle, yk, the sillies

And before I knew it I had Naoya getting run over by a truck 💀

The reason Takaba is the driver is because of that one scene in Kenjaku vs Takaba, Kenjaku is in the passenger's seat just because.

There is no reason as to what they're singing besides me wanting them to have been distracted by something goofy 

You might have noticed Naoya is holding something. Idk what it is though 

Its like….a wand…a club…? It's based off his first form as a cursed spirit, the one where he looks like a worm

Yes, his shirt does indeed say “why women deserve less”. It's based on that one fanart of him reading a book with the same title. 

Drawing two:

The first thing I thought of when I imagined Naoya going on a ‘quest’ to become a man again was that ant carrying a bindle.

(It gives pathetic energy, which i enjoy giving my Naoya drawings)

This is actually my first time drawing Hana, I actually like drawing her

I'm so sorry to people who like Nobara and Maki, I can't draw them that well 😭😭😭

I'm thinking Hana/Angel are trying to fix whatever is going on with the souls of the deceased/players, and are thus gathering allies (though they also want to defeat a certain king of curses even in this au as well 👀)

Naoya ends up joining her, Maki, and Nobara as allies (no one is happy about this)

They will put him in his place, especially Maki.

(I wonder what would happen if he met Yuki…)

Naoya and Hana is a combination I didn't think I'd ever draw interacting tbh 💀

But for some reason that's what ended up happening

Other thoughts:

It's so cute how the kogane have different designs sometimes based on who they belong to. It reminds me of the crows in kny.

I wonder if they're meant to represent something about each player???

For example, the one we see with Naoya when we're first introduced to his curse form has a skull like face, which we later see on Naoya's second curse form.

His looks so crusty and I love it

I rlly wanted it to be his companion in this au

Honestly, I was thinking Naoya upon turning into a girl would try everything he could to make himself look more traditionally masculine

But I still wanted to draw him in a skirt, you know, because

So…uh…yeah 👍

His ass doesn't even want to be a woman, but let's be fr, he be styling his hair in the mirror or some shit thinking things like ‘if only every woman paid half as much attention to how she holds herself as me!’ Thinking he's giving everyone a good example or something 💀

Stfu Naoya 

I have a third addition to this collection of drawings in the works. It'll probably be up in a few days, depending on if I have time to work on it or not. This will probably be the last piece of this au for a while.

Part 1 , Part 2 Edit: Part 3

[misqnon]

its... its... its marchm.... its march OFF anon... u can keep calling me march if u want. or rowan.. im not picky.. i have many names.. i keep writing these when im very tired and i get super rambly,, forgive me..

idk i think enemies to lovers is just .. i get too angry... when they're actually enemies.. im the type to REALLY hold a grudge and like. file away every single wrong done to me.. and i cant help but also do that with fictional characters. yeah i swear im healthy... i swear... YOUD DO THAT FOR ME?? and how ... how could i ever repay u.. but actually do whatever u want!! i do Not Like telling ppl what to do LMAO because i hate it when its done to me (i might have a bit of pda autism). if u did hanyagellan fanfic for me i would be eternally grateful and probably Die. but if u didnt i would be perfectly fine :)

i forgot kidd doesnt really appear much til wano .. i read wano ages ago so he is just like . a permanent member in my brain now. i think of him and luffy and law as a trio and then i remember that wait.. it was only luffy and law for the longest time... anyways hes awesome. he definitely has tits to rival zoro. and killer is also awesome.. i love killer. in my head killer is a very nice sweet guy. and then i remember his name is apparently massacre soldier killer. and that kidd and his crew murder innocent people. and its like oh right ... theyre not just.. funny little guys ... they're evil funny little guys... also kidd is SCOTTISH?? imagine him with that accent. wonderful. perfect. it suits him so well.

ive seen t4t frobin and i do Love it. i do.. i also love tjem as just wonderful allies. idk either way theyre lovely

i also read on tcbscans!!! i dont really read the comments all that much (shockingly, because i love to read comments on other platforms) but IM SO GLAD!! UVE HEARD IT!!!

oda has..... a Problem.... looks at mitsutoshi shimabukuro and nobuhiro watsuki. (pedophiles he has supported) anyways yeah it's like . its .. its so disgusting. i loved kyros so much and like . it was ruined!!! it was ruined for me!!! WHY in my favorite arc. i think its valid to count shirahoshi. there is literally no reason to make it so the underage characters are supposed be attractive. they did it with rebecca too,, like she couldve easily just worn leather or something under her armor. but she didnt. shes supposed to be sexy. as a 16 year old. and actually it gets worse later in the story!! so look forward to that!! /s

MORE TONIGHT HELL YEAH!!!! (by the time i finish writing this u will probably have already read the chapters LOL). i actually adore chiffon and lola (i saw u talk abt this so..) and i also think its bc theyre not meant to be attractive. oda can only write women well when theyre not supposed to be sexy (im exaggerating bc nami and robin are well written, its just. theyre not as dynamic and interesting after the time skip). also i Love bege and chiffons weird little baby . he has stubble . wonderful. i love that bege baby talks to him unashamedly. an actually good father in one piece?? its rare but it DOES happen!!

i actually watched the first episode of the live action today!!! and yeah i decided i do NOT like mackenyu's acting as zoro. i dont really blame mackenyu for it bc i assume its an issue with the producers or writers or whatever wanting to make him more badass,, but i kind of cant stand it. he has the cool guy vocal fry.... i hate it... i hate that. i looked up videos of mackenyu in like. regular settings! and he seems like a genuinely cool person!! i think if he could channel his regular energy into zoro more.. it would be perfect . i would say that is the perfect zoro. to be fair though he could relax a bit with the cool guy thing later on in the show and i just don't know it yet bc i only watched episode one (holding out hope that thats what happens). overall . besides my issues with zoro being too cool n serious and monotone.. it was actually really enjoyable!! the kobylu moment where theyre stargazing together?? hello??? hello???? for the record i dont really ship kobylu but i do enjoy the ship.. does that distinction make sense.. i hope it does. and also zoro has freckles. i cant get over that... freckles ... he has freckles.. there r a few choices i didnt like (that i cant remember rn) but it was a fun watch!!!!

I WOULD SHOW U BUT . BUT ITS JUST .. ITS JUST HER HEAD .. I DIDNT DRAW SHOULDERS OR ANYTHING... i just wanted to get down my most basic of ideas .. i swear the moment i draw a fem sanji im happy with.... u will see her.

haha.. so dada.. and . abrina.. am..abro.. abromava.. marina abromavia.. abromavic of him . yeah. so dada and marina abromavic of him . ok but i looked up marina abromavic and!! "rest energy" i know that one!! (thats all i know.. though dada looks familiar)

i love the secret freaks

"[eyebags the size of dinner plates]" is so funny,, i always wanted to move house as a child . just once. i thought it was very cool and trendy when people in my class said they were moving. and also i didnt like my neighborhood (i still dont). i know now that moving is not what i had thought it to be. as a child.

very soon!! (now)

i definitely played games online as a kid but i also like. was on websites i should not have been on (deviantart) as young as 10. my old youtube comments arent that bad to look back on, sometimes theyre kind of funny, but i imagine finding any of my old accounts on any other website would be very upsetting 😭. i dont know if i ever deleted my accounts or if theyre all still out there . for me to come across at any time. (though i doubt i ever will, considering i havent in the 10+ years since)

i also try not to put anything else out there, but sometimes i (stupidly . very stupidly) decide to just. not care that much. i have just accepted that people have probably found photos of me as a child online (not that i remember posting anything from before i was like 15 but. still) and i. just live with the constant assumption that i am being watched. im a very paranoid person sometimes so i know if i stress out about whatever is online about me it will literally turn into an existential crisis

uhh thats all kind of (really) heavy sorry about that!!

tbh with anime... betrayal is always possible. i started an anime called usagi drop a few years ago and then stopped because i. got bored? maybe? and whoops, turns out they have a romantic relationship. thank god i dropped it

i was actually looking up vocaloid stuff yesterday.. learning The History (i was watching kaito x gakupo mmd's) and i found out nyan cat?? was vocaloid?? originally?? and the version that got popular was utauloid?? i used to play 10 hour nyan cat videos on the tv. this was a monumental discovery. i love finding out that niche internet communities are like . the beginning . of a huge internet meme.. its seriously so interesting. plus i recognized a lot of older popular vocaloid songs!! i had no idea it had seeped so much into my life . without me knowing it.

i was kind of tempted to go see kikuo and bo en live!! im kind of?? a bo en fan?? i listened to that song that was in omori before omori was out (i still dont really know what omori is) and i like a few other songs by them but im not really someone who likes musical artists. i just like a few songs,, or one song,, from an artist,, and then nothing else. i do like quite a few of kikuo's songs though!! most of all i was just tempted bc the timing was right and i noticed they were coming to a city nearby. didnt end up going bc i couldnt justify it!! did u have a good time!? also i saw the miku expo experience,, in portland.. where they just got what was visibly just,, a tv. even as someone who is a Beginner vocaloid fan.. that is so disappointing

my aphantasia isnt really that bad and its not something i notice most of the time, so it doesn't really get in the way. i kind of think it might help me in art because i dont get stuck on the blank canvas part, trying to picture what to draw? idk ive heard a lot of ppl talk abt that being a struggle. i just jump right into it since i cant come up with anything most of the time anyways. other times tho i can picture things very clearly.. i think part of the aphantasia is just that i have autism. and adhd. and i cant concentrate well enough to picture things a lot of the time, especially when i actually want to. most of the time the things i successfully picture are involuntary

i dont know why they dont anymore but no!! they dont!! i havent actually tried to look up the reason or if this is a permanent thing. i should.. it might also just be that its not being scanned or its not included in digital files.. idk . any number of things. ok i checked and i found a translation on reddit of the volume 107 sbs, but its not in the tcb scans . so i have to assume its just that they dont have the scans for the sbs, and oda is still doing it consistently?? either way its not easy to find

oda canon skin tones should be IGNORED.. too boring... as for the women. he has literally devolved. nami and robin pre timeskip... come back... please.

i get posts u reblogged from like. the beginning of march.. sometimes.. that feels like ages ago... i actually want to interact with a lot of the things u reblog bc theyre good.. and half of it is stuff i mean to reblog anyways but havent. but i dont wanna spam u. and i definitely would spam u. on accident. but still..

idk if u use tiktok at all (i didnt used to but i have been zoomerpilled or whatever the kids would say ..) but there was an audio that got pretty popular that's like. "you can call me anything! you can even call me dookie! ...... NEVER CALL ME DOOKIE!!" and THAT WAS IVA IN IMPEL DOWN!! anyways watching that scene in impel down as a kid.. was very influential. it probably is why i identified as genderfluid for a bit?? i had never really seen any trans characters before or met any trans people in real life. so when i saw . trans characters. i was like wow... u can do that? thats allowed? it was mindblowing. picture me with big sparkly eyes full of wonder.

"transgenderism is a thrilling character trait" is extremely funny wording. i think he HAS done some research (it shows in his most recent trans characters, my issues with yamato aside) but when he made the newkamas.... yeah.... i dont know if he really thought about what kind of life experiences they would have. as trans people. or whether he was even portraying them well. it really was just "hey this would be a funny character.." and then there they were.

i love all 3 of the fishman princes and actually i am very thankful the other 2 (i can never remember their names... ryuboshi and.. something.. sorry guys..) arent just like . The same character copy and pasted. but i agree!! that moment broke my heart. u poor kids :(. ive never seen d gray man so this was probably (?) my first introduction to noahs ark in . anime,, manga. im rly excited for whenever the scene will be. where everyone boards.. and .. idk .. is led to the dawn of the new world.. or whatever they say is supposed to happen

YEAH I WANT TEENAGE CHOPPER!!! he can still be a wholesome guy but please .. please.. treat him a LITTLE BIT like .. a teenager.. the teenager he is. i love horn point chopper . i wish we could see all his forms a bit more. i also wish for more chopper angst like .. i loved when they fought aokiji right before water 7 because it had a really great chopper moment. he was directing the other crewmates on what to do and it was so high tension and emotional,,, i miss that.

ok i agree zoro getting lost is timeless. i see jokes abt it everywhere and i dont even mind. i didnt like nami's slapstick joke in the beginning but ive kinda become neutral about it. i dont find it funny but i dont dislike it either. brook panties joke is gross ... gross old man. but i thought it was very funny when he asked camie for money because she didnt have any panties. making him from a creep into just a pathetic old guy would be funny imo. actually i do like brook's skull jokes mostly bc theyre so lame. im a fan of jokes so bad theyre good. and now 80% of the time he gets ignored... and i find that funnier. ill laugh at ur jokes brook.. i swear... ill laugh.

literally the whole setting of water 7 was so interesting and cool and . i adored it. the aqua laguna,, part of the city being underwater bc the water level keeps rising. the canals!! the water horses!! its all so fun. i actually do love the frobin moments in enies lobby, and i love kaku, and i love the "i want to live" moment, but other than that i dont have much i found super exciting.. oh and the moment with the merry at the end of it. that broke me . why give me hope and then rip it away from me!! oda always does this. /pos though.

what about,,, sanji except he wears colored contacts sometimes just to confuse the crew. "your eyes were brown yesterday what the fuck happened??"

"[clanging my sanji gavel] order in the court" SANJI GAVEL,,,, THATS FUNNY

"if there’s multiple types of conqueror’s haki it it like..all based on one guy? one original conqueror ?? and who was it…" ough ur so smart for this.. i never considered that..

zoro is Definitely favored with op stuff. i do think he is usually considered second mate so its like... kind of fair imo? but at the same time... yeah... oda could spread the wealth a little. make everyone else have more development rather than just focusing on zoro.

i see ur shanks argument and i counter with all humans are ugly sometimes.. that picture is fantastic though hes really ratting it up

cora and doflamingo are so giant .. and they came from 2 very normal sized parents. maybe its their diet...?? no but.. they were extremely poor for several years... idk one piece is so wild. like what do u mean geko moria is just a regular human. hes not even a different race... he just grew like that.. i think its funny to imagine the evil characters feeling awkward because they dont have a seat and just .. crossing their arms and pretending to be cool. i didnt see that doflamingo post but i looked it up and he really is like a cat. birdcat.. catbird.. sitting right in the middle.

i dont know if i ever have moments where i think "luffy wouldnt do this" because honestly i dont think im very good at character analysis. i really struggle to feel connected to and like i understand people or characters,, maybe its just because i tend to assume theres depth where there might not be. or maybe i just severely underestimate myself LOL. but i do 100000% agree oda should take notes from his own character... like luffy is so non judgemental and. idk. hes so easy to aspire to be like. everyone could benefit from being like luffy or having someone like luffy in their life. i completely agree that he doesnt acknowledge? accept? understand? gender roles. and this is why luffy is genderfluid /hj. but yes i get u!!!

im so glad we have come to a mutual understanding about cannibalism. i am joining u.

THE LUFFY IMAGE.. ok im coming

ok ur headcanons..

i headcanon lesbian sanji . until i see sanuso... and then... i lose all strength in my beliefs .... sanji is a transfem bisexual and she is dating usopp. <- i find it funny that im like that bc i was hardcore like "sanji is a lesbian." "i wont ship usopp with anyone bc of kaya" (i dont like shipping characters when i think theyll end up with another character bc i am very sensitive to disappointment) and i have thrown my beliefs out the window bc i love sanuso so much. also do u have a screenshot or anything of the sbs question bc i dont remember seeing that /gen. i want to see.. i want to see the bisexuality with my own eyes...

i agree zoro is gay. i also have recently been converted to the zoro is transmasc .. train? what . u know what i mean hopefully. i also dont ship zolu bc luffy is hardcore aroace (and if i shipped him with anyone it would be koby as a mostly one sided thing) but they do have a fun relationship and i enjoy seeing zolu content.. tbh im not picky abt shipping most of the time as long as it isnt proship. most ships im just like "i understand the appeal" and dont have many feelings beyond that

lesbian nami is so true. i understand it after rereading.. i see the gay in her.

i think i mentioned t4t frobin earlier in the post but yeah,, even as cishet allies theyre wonderful.. good people. cute couple.

i see straight usopp and i also see bi usopp. no matter what ,,, he likes women for sure. i also saw transmasc usopp and i actually love it.. transmasc usopp.

brook could be anything tbh. i dont really have strong opinions abt his sexuality but i enjoy bisexual brook. its even alliterative!!

chopper is a reindeer... a BI, TRANS reindeer

ok ur too educated and cultured for me... i know zorro and rudolph and pinocchio but i honestly dont know the rest. i live under a rock and dont usually bother to learn about new things (unless its like. current events. or any of my niche interests)

i actually adore rudolph though and yeah when i realized chopper is rudolph . i was very excited. the rudolph the red-nosed reindeer from 1964 is my favorite christmas movie ever. i genuinely adore it. also im pretty sure the person who made that movie is lgbtq and purposefully put lgbtq themes into the movie. i always felt a connection to rudolph bc my child mind thought of him as trans and gay without really realizing that was what i assumed him to be lmao. i dont remember if the lgbtq themes actually involve rudolph himself but thats who i identified with as a kid and i will stick by it. anyways that is why chopper is transmasc and bi in my headcanons haha

uhhh uhhhh.. to end the message..

OH SHIT OFF ANON!!! do u know how funny it would have been if u came off anon and i was thinking u were a completely different blog somehow. i would have cried

ur reasoning for not liking enemies to lovers is very valid but i laughed thinking about zosan making out or something and ur just standing there like NO…..YOU SHOULD BE ANGRY,.,...KILL!!!

i really doubt i will have the time to write hanyagellan but it sounds so novelty and fun that IDK MAYBE SOMEDAY N FSVNF DC

I HAVE LITERALLY TALKED ABOUT HOW KID LAW AND LUFFY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE MAIN 3 OF THE WORST GENERATION BUT ITS MOSTLY JUST LUFFY AND LAW AND THEN KIDD’S THERE LIKE 🧍”me and you and you and me and you and your friend steve”

i have only really seen fanon killer which yea does not give the murder of innocents vibe but you know what. thats ok sometimes silly happy little guys are just murderers and thats ok- no i literally did not. realize kids crew did that. LMFAO well i like doffy so clearly this isnt gonna change much for me. but scottish kid…thats fuckign PERFECCT …KIDD….KID MY BELOVED

oh yeah oda’s weird pedo tendencies are uhh 100% my least favorite thing about him. the sexualization of the 16 year olds usually makes me have to pause for that day and come back later cause it just ruins it for me. WHAT DO U MEAN IT GETS WORSE 😭😭😭 NOOOOOO

ur absolutely correct btw. abt how his well-written women have to be ugly. dnf,mvcd like yea nami and robin exist but they have been a bit sidelined in terms of development meanwhile the characters that are both sexualized and well written…i can barely pay attention to their writing bc it feels undermined by the intense sexualization. 

bege’s baby is terrible. irs terrible i hate it. but it makes me laugh so hard. although bege doing the baby voice and cooing over his baby was very cute and i DID love that LMAO

RIP MACKENYU ZORO…YOU TRIED I GUESS..yea i think the showrunner was maybe thinking too much about post timeskip zoro while also trying to amplify his coolness and it just came off as. trying way too hard. i think he has a few better moments but also the Too Edgy moments continue so its a mixed bag. though zoro’s characterization seems to be one of the major criticisms ive seen across the board so maybe they’ll lighten him up for season 2. also koby is so perfect in the live action. him and luffy are adorable. i dont ship it either but i can see the vision. they were damn cute ps. they had exactly one f-word pass for season one and they gave it to zoro but like. in the most hilarious throw away line ever. however this means in at least one piece of one piece canon zoro has said fuck.

trades you hanyagellan fanfiction for the transji drawing (im kidding, dont worry abt it!!)

“haha.. so dada.. and . abrina.. am..abro.. abromava.. marina abromavia” luffy trying to pronounce the name of someone he doesnt care about be like

oh yea i definitely have a million accounts on random website that like. i dont even remember. once i tried to see if there was some kind of website or plug in or tool to put in your email address and find any accounts linked to it so i could delete them but i didnt really find what i was looking for which is crazy. like i have a fuckin nico nico douga account from when i used to watch vocaloid videos on there. the website is entirely in japanese. insane

and about the "heavy" internet stuff NO UR GOOD im in a similar boat and i just. choose not to think about it too hard. blissful ignorance

YES YES IVE HEARD OF USAGI DROP. FOR THAT VERY REASON. I THINK WHEN YASHAHIME STARTED AND WE DIDNT KNOW WHO THE MOM OF SESSHOMARU’S CHILDREN WERE EVERYONE WAS LIKE PRAYING IT WASNT RIN INCLUDING ME BUT I REMEMBERED THAT RUMIKO AT ONE POINT MENTIONED LIKING USAGI DROP AND I WAS LIKE. its so jover you guys

“i was actually looking up vocaloid stuff yesterday.. learning The History (i was watching kaito x gakupo mmd's)” KSDNNLKSM

yea!! nyan cat was an utau called momo i think? the nyan cat creator is actually here on tumblr lmao. i found them a couple years ago and was like holy shit… @ prguitarman. also the vocaloid oliver voices puppycat in bee and puppycat! and a vocaloid song actually mde it into a MARVEL MOVIE?? that one fucking sent me. its this one and it isnt even just miku whos the most mainstream its like. so many of them. we’re doing it u guys

yea most of my favs are the classics!! i could link my vocaloid megaplaylist but its. long. i only went bc i was like ‘THIS IS MY ONLY CHANCE TO SEE ANYTHING LIKE A VOCALOID CONCERT IN PERSON KIKUO MIGHT NEVER COME TO THE US AGAIN” and i had to have a friend drive me all the way to chicago for it (I Dont Live In Chicago) but it was worth it. i had one of the most fun times of my life lmao. i was JAMMIN. ive heard about the miku expo thign lmao. i think its bc miku is at coachella this weekend (?) or whatever so they might have taken her hologram tech there instead. LAME! 

my other friends with aphantasia are artists as well so clearly it doesnt stop yall 💪 i do struggle with the blank canvas part lmao. but mostly i think i just find starting to be the hardest part of anything.

i think 90% of what oda says should be ignored LMAO. MY STORY NOW!! half joking. maybe a little more than half. when the live action cast talks about how much they respect him and how cool meeting and talking to him was i almost feel bad bc he seems like a kind and goofy guy a lot of the time, but oof, man really needs to evaluate his biases…

tumblr putting posts from early march on ur dash..

why does it do that. i hate that it does that. sometimes i post things and then purposely bury them with other posts so no one sees. TUMBLR PLEASE JUST SHOW MY SHIT IN ORDER

feel free to spam me i do it to other ppl all the time and i dont care at all lmao

I DONT USE TIKTOK (i did for a couple years in college but not anymore) BUT I . DFJNDKL. I ONLY KIND OF KNEW ABOUT THIS BC MY FRIEND SENT ME A REEL OF IT ON INSTAGRAM BUT I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS PRETTY POPULAR??? THATS SO FUN LMAO I LOVE IVA. THEY DESERVE THE FAME. ivankov being ur trans egg break is so weird to me bc it feels so recent but yea impel down came out in 2008 or 9….and also like. do you think oda knows. what he did. KDNFSJ if they bring sbs back (?) u should just sent in a letter like “oda thank u for showing me ivankov u made me realize i was nonbinary 👍” i wanna see what he says fkjvndkj

just now realizing how funny "transgenderism is a thrilling character trait" is thank you for that HAHA. i think he has done at least a little now (and iva is apparently based not only on dr frankenfurter but also a drag queen he knew irl?) but yea back then he needed. uh. a bit more. funny character was pretty much the extent of it. i mean he treated bon clay fairly well from all the way back in alabasta but sometimes i think about how bon clay’s jacket just says “OKAMA” on the back and it can. sometimes be considered a slur? i mean. would i wear a giant jacket that said fag on the back……yes duh. but like tHATS NOT THE POINT, and not everyone is okay w that!!

i remembered manboshi but not ryuboshi. 2gether we can remember the fishman royal family LMAO. god what was noahs ark supposed to be. i think it was supposed to take all of fishman island to the surface?? maybe. but i feel like it was more plot relevant than that. like poneglyph’s and gold roger were involved somehow. idk man im trusting oda to fit everything in before he ends the dang manga

i forget about the camie scene EVERY SINGLE TIME and EVERY SINGLE TIME i expect him to say panties and when he says money i always LOSE IT especially bc in the dub he sounds like mr krabs in that moment 😭

speaking of the water horses can we talk about how franky’s were named SODOM AND GOMORRAH. KDSFND. i made a comic about it that was probably too niche for most people to understand bc u have to have knowledge of dorian electra and also drag race and also the fact that those two random animal characters were named sodom and gomorrah.

SANJI WEARING COLORED CONTACTS TO FUCK WITH THE CREW XFKDJ. i can see him doing this but only to zoro. to piss him off. usopp’s in on it probably

i need a damn sanji gavel. someone on twitter goes by “ceo of sanji” and everyday i am jealous that i did not think of it first

people (dudebro powerscalers) always talk about whether zoro or sanji is stronger and i know oda has said/implied several times that theyre supposed to be different but equal but i mean. there’s quite a few small hints that zoro is supposed to be stronger. imo. as a sanji fan i must admit this. i mean making him taller by only 1 entire cm post timeskip. oda u were evil for that

“maybe its their diet?” its the crack cocaine - KJDNFSDO no that wouldnt make sense for cora but yea why. why are they so tall. i really think its just the weird way the world works. again i will blame gravity. bc im in the middle of big mom’s backstory rn and shes HUGE but ?? apparently not a giant?? SHE WAS JUST BIG??

tbh im not the best at character analysis either. i just read/watch/consume a lot of it and then parrot what i heard other ppl say to some degree (if it was supported by the text and had evidence and didnt seem . wrong. like i still evaluate it) but im bad about doing it myself. truthfully this probably stemmed from all those vocaloid videos i watched as a kid with insane strorylines that i always had to just go to the comments to have them explained to me. the songs being in japanese did not help 💀

i am not a multishipper bc i commit hard to one thing so i dont like most other sanji ships but sanuso gets a pass bc its very cute. lesbian sanji is beautiful. and yea im a little picky but as long as it isnt proship! go for it!!

i will do you one better and give u a link to the SBS + a translator who looked at the question. 

AND IM THE SAME WAY i dont think its bc im sensitive to disappointment (well. i am actually but. in this case thats not the main reason) but because i like to think of the closest way i can get what i want with it being…realistic. thats the only reason i dont HC every single strawhat as gay in some way cause i was like i know oda would not. but i can meet him halfway. oda hear me out. 50% WE CAN DO 50%

TRANSMASC ZORO HITS SO DIFFERENT I AM WITH YOU THERE. part of it may be one of my closest friends is transmasc and has loved zoro forever so in my heart im like. yes. zoro is trans. for my friend. but also ive read quite a few trans zoro fics (i’d link them but theyre all zosan. Im Sorry) and the twist it puts on his relationship with kuina…is so cool. actually i take it back, just read this summary from neonglaceon on AO3:

JBSHJDKS IM REALLY NOT THAT CULTURED TRUST ME. if u havent seen the matilda movie…u should its a nostalgic childhood movie for me. its got danny devito…yea. and i only know cyrano de bergerac bc i saw it performed at a local university and goddd it was my first time seeing live theatre and i was. ENTRANCED

YOU KNOW WHAT? YEA. TRANS GAY RUDOLPH. HE’S AN OUTCAST LIKE US OK!! i will take any allegory for someone being an outcast/social pariah and be like “oh so gay allegory? so gay coding?” 

ok but t4t frobin and chopper their little trans son…stop thats so cute

so glad to see u can send images now. i will close off by asking 1. any fav op content creators/artists/blogs?

and give u this image

[evanoxvt]

Another day in infusion recovery

Living with chronic illness can be frustrating. Hell, right now I want to go play some games, work on my obs, stream, or chill on discord with friends but I know I shouldn't. It truly is frustrating.

Getting up to write this post was about an hour in the making. First I had to debate if I was feeling good enough to get up in the first place, and if I had the energy to do the things I want to do without over exerting myself. After much back and forth debate I decided to get up so I could use the rest room and give Town Crier a treat. Yep, that all took an hour to do. Why? Because when I initially wanted to get up, simply rolling over made me a bit dizzy and made me feel like all the energy drained from me. But once I was laying still and doing absolutely nothing I felt like I had more energy than an energizer bunny. Once again I move very slightly and felt all of my energy drain from me. I did this several times to just adjust how I was laying on my bed. It's hard to tell how much energy I actually have when my body does things like this, and right now after my infusion my body is sending all sorts of oddball signals.

I know that I should be resting, not because I truly need it right this second, but because if I do over exert myself I will require more downtime to recover from it than if I were to just keep resting. But there's something to be said for resting as well, you still need to do a little bit of something. You need to move around a little bit and you need to stay mentally stimulated because if you don't, you'll likely hit you're breaking point sooner.

My first few infusions were absolute hell. I couldn't get up, when I was awake I couldn't really watch tv, and I was just simply stuck. Stuck bored and alone in a room. No one wants that. It felt terrible. Knowing what that's like I do alot of (online) socializing just prior to the infusion to help stave off the loneliness as much as I can. I also try to allow myself some brief times to do something even if it takes a bit more energy than I have. This is important for your mental health while dealing with this kind of thing. It's also important that if you don't have the energy to do something that you aren't forced to do things. Things that you don't enjoy take up so much more energy, moreover when you already have none to spare? Yep.

I can tell I have a bit of brain fog since I keep getting lost as to what I was saying, what I want to say, and what I am saying. Sorry if this post ends up going in circles and never makes it to the point... That's a real possibility here...

But energy? I think that's where we were at. Some of the simplest actions can take up so much more energy than people expect. Sometimes I can feel it and other times I don't realize just how much energy it takes me to do something so simple. My arms can't make of their minds if typing this is taking all of their energy or not and its honestly just as confusing for me as it is for anyone I explain it to. They are throbbing, not in pain, just in well idk how to describe it other than throbbing. Then they aren't. Then they are again. They feel heavier than lead but then feel their normal weight again. It feels like its hard to do fine motor skills but then I don't notice that difficulty. They feel tired like I've been overusing them all day (even though its only been maybe 10 mins of me sitting here), but then I feel nothing. They go numb but not numb at the same time or go between the two. I really don't know what my arms are trying to convey to me right now. That's pretty normal for me sadly.

I mentally have the energy to play games and maybe even pop into a discord call right now, but physically I think this post will be all I have in me. I know if I start playing a game I will stop noticing any of the signals my body is sending me (and that's if we ignore how confusing these signals are to begin with). This is why I can't stream or even chill in discord right now. Hell, I bet I'd sound about 300x better than I feel right now too! That's the way it is when you mask. Your body just automatically goes into "people"/"social" mode and ignores that you really don't have the capacity to do that at present.

But I guess I am finding some things about this infusion to be a bit weird. Firstly, I can stand up and I'm not falling over onto the walls. This may sound good if that isn't happening but it's concerning since it's been a major side effect of my prior infusions and it practically isn't present with this current one. OFC it's good that it's not happening but still very odd. Another typical thing that ALWAYS happens is that anywhere I get poked by a needle I get a peculiar bruise (they often have to do multiple attempts to find a good vein for the iv). This bruise is typically an off yellow with a darker brownish spot towards the center. Idk how to describe it really, but the thing is my current two bruise spots are blue. Additionally all of my veins are bluer than usual and I've even seen some tiny veins for the first time ever. That's never happened before. Kinda weird if you ask me. Another oddity is my energy levels. They seem to be toggling between my normal "OVERLY ENERGETIC HYPE" mode and "I can't even watch tv because I have so little energy". Usually, I would be struggling to move around alot and would be so tired I'd barely be conscious right now. Recon I have slept most of today, but I've also been away a hell of alot more than I should be right now (by the fact I was awake an entire hour debating on making this post prior to actually getting up). There's alot of other little things that are off or weird and I'm wondering if its because we've gotten better at the premedication side of the infusion or is something else is going on. Afterall, the infusion was an entire hour and a half shorter than my shortest one yet and again there were alot of oddities.

I don't even remember where this entire post was supposed to be going at this point.... probably doesn't help that I have Town Crier whining and crying in my ear trying to get me to take her downstairs but we aren't going down there for awhile. I know she's bored, but I literally have no immune system and someone in my house literally just got over covid after lying to me that they had a cold.

The brain fog is real, got interrupted by someone and don't remember what I was saying, but yea, its just another day in recovery from the infusion. See you guys later.

[sprout-fics]

I don't have anyone to talk to, so sharing my story for the day like this ...it aint nice , so feel free to ignore it, I expect no reply or comments, I am aware you owe that to no one

I am tired ... Both physically and mentally, I am tired of living, of being alive... I woke up exhausted , despite sleeping through the night, which is rare these days ... I got to play my video game, which was really nice, I got a bit better at it, and made quite a bit of progress... Then I got into an argument with the one who tells me they love me ... Still hovering over some words that hurt me deeply a few days ago ... And I don't know how to fix ... everything... I am tired, I am trying to fix myself, I am trying to get better, but how should I when my 1st thoughts in the morning are "why dafaq did I wake up again" ... I am lost and I am required to get my shit together, fix myself because it's all my fault ...I know it is, but ... I don't know what to do ... I might be childish for thinking of extremes like this for going through hard stuff in life , but its not just this ...this just made the feeling more powerful... when I was 6, my birthday wish was to stop living, I remember it vividly... I don't know if its just me making myself into a victim, seeking sympathy and validation ... Damn, this whole message is to a certain point lol .... So its not that far fetched of a theory, yeah?! ....idk

I will go to bed tonight hoping tomorrow morning won't come, its a ritual at this point... but I know it will, I will wake up and I will feel ... Whatever dafaq this is ...again

Hi anon. Take a deep breath for me, please? Maybe sit, drink something warm and sweet, get a blanket and cuddle up.

I want you to know I was where you are recently. Really recently. This semester was really rough for me, and I understand the fatigue, the draining, all encompassing sensation you must be feeling right now. It's so much energy to even recognize where you are right now, and I can only imagine how much hurt you've endured that your soul has decided to simply shut down. I'm sorry you are going through this. I truly, genuinely am.

I know how hard it is. Trust me when I say I understand. I have battled depression for over a decade. It is an exhausting battle. I once told a partner it's like being stuck in tar. The more you struggle, the worse it gets. Your brain literally attacks itself like an infection, and it is a truly horrible, vicious condition. I genuinely never want anyone to go through it.

This may not be the advice you want, and it may not be what you want to hear. After almost half my lifetime living with this, it is what's true.

It does get better. I swear, and I promise it does. There will be a day when you look up and you realize the dark days are over, and though it happened gradually, so slowly you didn't notice, it did happen. You'll look up and realize the sky is blue and vibrant and beautiful, that your favorite dish tastes better than it did the last time, you'll feel laughter in your chest as you stand beside the people that love you.

But you have to fight for it. I know it sounds cruel, I know it is so scary, but in the end the only way through is through. You have to fight and battle for every inch and it's exhausting. It is tiring and so often miserable. You need to take breaks, to rest and be gentle with yourself, to treat your soul and nurture it like the tender, fragile thing it is.

In the end, things will be better. It takes an amount of hope to fight, and you take it where you can. For me, the thing that at one point kept me alive was my determination to finish The Stowaway. I told myself 'I cannot go until I finish this' and later it was the cat I fostered. Even later it was because I wanted to fulfil my promise of eating lunch with my friend one more time. For others it is simple as making sure your houseplant survives. Whatever it is you reach for it and you hold tight, as tight as you can, and you use whatever that thing is to drag yourself out.

Anon, I don't know you, but my heart aches for what you've gone through. I know it's hard, I'm not saying it isn't. You are allowed to be sad, to grieve and wish you weren't here. But please, do not give up. Do what you can, take the victories you earn no matter how small. and slowly, with time, you will realize the darkness is slowly going away. I believe in you, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Please take care.