#idk. i just don't feel great here right this moment. probably just my brain being kinda fried

[pluviacuratio-a]

♣ ah. i suddenly have the bad brain juice.

eventually i wanna go through all the blogs i follow and softblock any blogs that haven't been active in more than 3 months.

idk things just not feeling real poggy here friendos

[missveryvery]

FengQing dynamics, book vs fan interpretation, General Thoughts about Clown Generals:

Mostly me trying to stare at canon and figure out what these dumbasses think about each other and what their actual relationship is, what's actually written instead of my hopes and dreams for clown love.

we all keep writing/drawing Mu Qing being the mean one and Feng Xin as the nice one but....Feng Xin is the one that relentlessly says horrible things to him, usually unprovoked.

Feng Xin's insults:

That he hates him, that he never wants to see him again, that he's lying, that whenever he sees him doing something it absolutely must be for personal/nefarious reasons, that he's happy when xl does crimes, he's untrustworthy, that he's always scheming, that he thinks he's better than he is, that he wouldn't be where he is without Xie Lian.

Mu Qing's insults are:

that Feng Xin is just as "disloyal" as him for leaving. Basically, his usual argument is "you are just as bad as me." This is his big thing, arguably his only thing.

He maybe thinks the bathhouse is Feng Xin's fault, like he took them somewhere perverted on purpose

His statues? whack.

Says Feng Xin made a big deal about nothing about Xie Lian stealing.

I'm wracking my brain here because a lot of them aren't personal insults so much as making fun of him for something rather than saying he's a bad person. Like he tells Xie Lian about the Ju Yang thing. That's not something Feng Xin did wrong, it's something embarrassing that happened to Feng Xin.

Here's one:

Actually, rereading this, I wonder if he meant Xie Lian...? Since that's the person who they felt like couldn't tell who was a ghost. And Feng Xin has always been able to discern ghostness so far so that seems weirdly specific. Which is nuts because I think we all feel like Mu Qing should insult his intelligence all the time (Feng Xin isn't as dumb as I wish he was, though so...)

I'm extremely guilty of all of this, to be clear. And I don't know why. Sometimes I carefully have Feng Xin realize he was awful and be apologetic, sometimes deal with it.

But probably most of the time, offhandedly, I'm like "Ah yes mq wouldn't catch him in a trust fall", which is something I just saw on my dash. when it's demonstrably, literally untrue, right?

They would both catch each other without hesitation. They literally do! Even when it's at a great risk to themselves!

I think the difference is what they think will happen:

Mu Qing, idk I could go either way. He might know that Feng Xin will catch him because Feng Xin is Like That. Or he might think it's a big question mark.

By Tong'lu he says something to the effect that he's running from them because they'll just kill him if they get ahold of him. But by then things have been escalating. Feng Xin hit him during the avalanche thing off screen and Mu Qing was surprised by it and asked why he'd hit him. We saw Feng Xin punch him before (after ghost city arc), but Mu Qing wasn't confused as to why that time. In other words, normally he might completely trust him but the events of the book threw everything out the window.

But I can't say for sure what Mu Qing would think would happen.

Weirdly, Feng Xin's response is the more complicated one.

Feng Xin does NOT think Mu Qing will or has serious doubts. Except...that's just what he'll verbalize. Literally what happens in the book, he gives no visible indication that he even remotely believes Mu Qing's explanations at Tong'lu.

It's only after Mu Qing suddenly disappears that the narrator tells us that he wasn't as convinced of Mu Qing 's guilt as he acted. He was just pissed and being an asshole. Mu Qing's disappearance is what actually shakes Feng Xin's belief in Mu Qing.

They have another argument earlier about JL:

-Feng Xin assumes the worst

-Mu Qing explains

-Feng Xin backs down for the moment (and goes to have a nervous breakdown)

-but when he sees him again he starts attacking him (avalanche scene), and this fight is bad enough that they've actually pulled weapons on each other

-This fight/argument continues until Hua Cheng shows up and they have bigger things to worry about

Then we have this:

Feng Xin's pattern might be:

Get mad, assume the worst, say things he doesn't mean, eventually calms down about it/acts like it's fine.

There are a couple times where he's argued into shutting up. It's just that he will bring that thing out, that he has been acting like he calmed down about and accepted, when he's mad.

I think he actually does at least subconsciously believe an Mu Qing Explanation PowerPoint. Why? Because that's what his overall behavior reflects. Or, even if, let's say he doesn't believe anything Mu Qing says ever, thinks he's the fucking worst: he still goes on little adventures with him and hangs out with him.

He doesn't suffer people he dislikes very much, does he? He doesn't even want Xie Lian to hang out with Hua Cheng! He's very "don't associate with those kinds of people." Actually, basically everything you "know" about Feng Xin, is not quite accurate by the end of the book, just like it is with Mu Qing.

Anyway, he still happily puts Xie Lian in a dress with Mu Qing. That's basically the definition of a sworn brother.

But at the end of the day, even though I think this is all very shitty behavior on Feng Xin's part and jail for Feng Xin, jail for Feng Xin for One Thousand Years, their relationship is something Mu Qing likes. He cares what he thinks about him. He doesn't want Feng Xin to think badly of him. Despite Feng Xin being the least generous person with benefit of the doubt, he still defends himself with him and the only other person he does that with is Xie Lian. Everyone else he's accepted he can't do anything about.

Like they must be having good times together that they both find worthwhile or they wouldn't be together. He must find things about him that he values.

Best guess is: he admires Feng Xin's selflessness and devotion to "what's right", the same way he thinks Xie Lian is cool. He wants to be around these two people. These are also the aspects he fucking hates the most and says are stupid and pointless and will get you killed. He hates this behavior, he rants about it, he is horrified by it, and yet he is someone who does it over and over and over again. And it always comes back to bite him in the ass.

As for what Feng Xin likes about Mu Qing...I don't know. Like I can't even guess. He likes the Queen a lot who is gentle and kind hearted and he likes the bravery and toughness of JL. He idolizes Xie Lian. But at no point does he assert Mu Qing is anything but the opposite of those people. Even when he has evidence to the contrary he forgets it or dismisses it. So I really have no idea what a canon reason is for him to like Mu Qing.

Maybe he thinks "I'll go with him because it seems fun or interesting" and "I have to protect him" and doesn't consciously attribute any part of that to Mu Qing.

It's possible he doesn't actually like him, as much as I hate to admit it, this would be mind-numbingly realistic for a guy that doesn't like thinking deeply about things. I think a lot of people don't think too deeply about friendship, because most of the time it's about familiarity and proximity and availability. We both like this activity, you're the person I know, we do it together. I'm sure you've met people, even married couples, that when it comes down to it don't actually like each other, they're just together out of familiarity and habit.

I do wonder what it would have been like if Mu Qing had died, that's kind of the usual outcome for a character like this, I feel like I rarely see in an adult book where a character like this has a suicide mission and then is ok or not, idk, very fucked up by it at least.

I do think they're friends, canonically, but I think their relationship is very unlike what we're used to seeing. But I also think mirrors closely a lot of relationships you see in real life, especially with dudes who hang out but don't figure out a Very Important Subject Ever.

Mostly this was just me making notes to myself and then I thought I'd share.

[grimescum]

ok fine (i say to nobody because nobody asked me for this)

HEADS UP i speak about some of these as if im like. dissecting the actual meaning of the song... thats not true idk why i decided to phrase it like that. i meant that this is how the songs relate to him in my head but. i dont feel like fixing it

and ive got crazy brain fog here we fucking go

baba yaga - nilfruits is, in retrospect, a pretty loose fit considering its actual meaning, which i didn't figure out until AFTER i associated it with walter. so. :P blehh

the MV shows a young girl, easily impressionable and desperate for validation, being lured into a building with compliments and promises of being something great. she's then continually groomed (into dancing, presumably for free or next to nothing, as well as murder??) using that same validation

... or somehign idk POINT IS i know generally what its hinting at and it doesn't fit w how i see walter

brutus - the buttress reminds me of what walter might've thought about alucard right before his betrayal as well as everything that came afterwards. verse 1-3 is from the perspective of old walter,

And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't wishing / For untimely death or demise / Or am I just wishing I could be like you?

envy is a feeling very familiar to me. even with the people i love most, if they're more liked or better off than me in any regard, i might have moments of extreme hatred towards them. it always passes, but in the past i've acted on those feelings impulsively or in a moment of lapsed judgment..

all of that was to explain how i see his betrayal, basically. him reacting in shock when seras tells him she enjoyed his presence was def the "oh i fucked everything up" moment, and him continuing on regardless could've been apathy that i also tend to feel after I've also fucked up; i think he's mentally protecting himself against the trauma of losing basically all he had in the moment. also just. yk. he probably thought since he went this far he might as well. but 1. he still could've just stopped 2. shhhh

verse 4 is from the perspective of dark! walter,

Please know my actions are not motivated only by envy / I too have a destiny / This death will be art / The people will speak of this day from near and afar

This event will be history / And I'll be great too / I don't want what you have / I wanna be you

and the outro would be during walter's defeat, though that's usually when my daydream stops since the lyrics don't match up well enough ell oh ell

scapegoat - ghost and pals mostly for the chorus.

Now do you hate me? / Are you afraid of me? / Are you able to feel culpability? / Come forth and kill me / Bow down and worship me / Take your time, all we have is eternity

Now with a new start / Broken and torn apart / Nothing in me resembles a human heart / My name is unknown / Something I've never told / On my own, I declare / "I don't wanna go home"

i see this from the perspective of dark! walter, with some lines being both literal and metaphorical. i see "all we have is eternity" and "now with a new start" to be literal in the sense of his turning. "my name is unknown, something i've never told" is metaphorical, representing him lying about his true thoughts and feelings, maybe not even having a good idea himself. also a nod to lack of identity issues in bpd. "Nothing in me resembles a human heart" is both literal and metaphorical since he's no longer human, but he's also lost the ability to care for those around him now that his plan is already in motion.

appetite of a people pleaser - ghost and pals is pretty self-explanatory but I'll point out some lyrics i think fit well anyway,

Give me your dire expectations, and I’ll consume perfection

Now that I’ve become a full-course identity / Take a bite of me / I hope that I’ve become a favorable delicacy / That I’m worth something

I’ll eat ‘em all, the thoughts of anyone I’ll ever meet / Just to make them happy / Wondering why I’m a burden, or so it seems / Aren’t I everything?

These flavors of personality are / Hindering my likeability / My impulsive desire, my appetite has / Spoiled my urge to satisfy / Everyone will like me more without it

copycat - circusP hardly even counts here but i'll add it anyway. listening to this song gave me the headcanon that whenever he realized he subconsciously picked up a behavior or habit from alucard, seras or integra, he'd feel an intense guilt for it. thats also bpd related btw i used to do that and still do to a lesser extent

ok im bored that's it

[leatherbookmark]

☁️🐚🍄🍓(all, or any combination you want) for the fanfiction author ask meme

kissing your hand reverently for the ask etc

☁️ ⇢ what made you choose your username?

i just like leather bookmarks!! originally lb was a non-kpop sideblog, and i wanted something that wouldn't be fandom-specific (i don't really like changing usernames) but that at the same time would fit my current fandom (the hobbit hehe). so, leatherbookmark!!

as for my ao3 username, oenanthe is a name of two genera: birds and plants, but i took mine from the bird one. specifically, this little guy. i love that the latin name is so pretty (wine+flower) but both english and polish taxonomers went "this bird has a white ass. alright then here you go"

by the way, huh, these arrows are fun! they're not -> but ⇢. they're dashed. cute

🐚 ⇢ do you like or dislike surprises?

oh boy i really don't... i used to when i was a kid, but at this point it's just a source of stress. though like -- depends, because if someone gets me a little postcard or a souvenir that's right up my alley, it's great and i'm happy they thought of me!, but if it's a big expensive gift... yeag

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

fascinated by the separation of ship and pairing here, btw

ohhhh my god i gotta get my fandom brain back in order.

xiyao. what do i think about xiyao? i like to think that in a better world they'd love to Eat. try out different stuff, ranging from "drowning in grease and made by a 78yo uncle who spits into his hands spiritedly before kneading the dough" to... hm. would they go for the "lick the citrus foam out of the plaster cast of the chef's mouth" dining, uh, experience? probably not, but lxc would be amazed and interested, half sincerely and half because he wants to check at what point jgy will go beloved, what the fuck.

but ALSO i think they'd just enjoy meals as a way of spending time together! so whether it's a modern au or not, they whip out the nice tableware, make sure there's a nice plantly being/something decorative on the table, etc. (they don't play music/put on tv in the background because they don't believe in that.)

(all of the above also means their meals take WAY longer than you'd expect, or rather -- as long as they can make them. breakfasts come with dessert now icydk)

🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction?

hm!! i think i just... started doing it? when i was a kid and browsing blogs about the witch comic series, i stumbled upon some blogs that weren't like, character profiles and comic arc summaries, but instead basically chaptered fanfiction. and since that, i kind of seeked out people's fics, often more than canon material like scans, databases and such lol.

iirc i started out making comics about my OCs, weird little AUs (like... utena characters, but magical girls/boys lmfao), or "original" comics obviously were just crazy mixes of whatever i was into at the moment. i only started writing fic when i was, idk, ten? and even then it was more like "ough i have a certain scene/image/mood/feeling in my brain and i need to get it Out" than actual stories :')

another thing that hasn't changed until sort-of-very-recently was me just.... starting anew every new fandom. i'd be into fandom X for years, produce tons of fics, and then once i got into fandom Y i was like oh fuck this is all so embarrassing, STARTING A NEW ACCOUNT RIGHT AWAY OR WE DIE. 👍 on one hand cool, on the other i sometimes envy writers who don't have to log into three separate accounts to see all their stats ='D

[whiskeyswifty]

I regrettably don’t listen to Hits Different enough and I didn’t drag myself to target to buy the cd so only rarely do I find myself listening to it. which is such a shame bc it’s suuuuch a good fun bop of a drunk girl at a party sulking around in remorse but looking hot while doing it

anyway, I wanted to hear your big-brained thoughts on the track because I always love your take 🫠

i don't either! i wish it was on streaming so i can just listen wherever i want and on whatever device i'm on. and i CANNOT be bothered to go to target to by it lmao i'm not in the demo that will do that for her anymore, sorry miss swift. it is so fun though!! the best song on midnights by a mile. idk if i have any like bigger picture thoughts or super deep reads, but sure haha i'll share what i have. I did make a post recently about one line in it over here.

right off the bat i loved the instrumentation. it sounds just like a 2000s romcom/teen movie ending song or like theme song. which is a time i'm very nostalgic for as a 90s/2000s kid so it just warms my heart! and i think is a great contrast to offset the woe-is-me lyrics of the song that makes it instead more silly melodrama. as if to further get through to the audience that she really is just that one friend who's like hung up on her ex and in that stage of the breakup. it's not that serious just put her in a car and send her home. very like end of 500 days of summer type shit. to move on sometimes you have to grieve and let go in 10 different ways and it swings like a pendulum and you're kind of a wreck and impossible to be around. but eventually, time heals everything and you'll sort yourself out. (also 500 days of summer GREAT breakup movie, very honest, and unflinching in the same way the song is).

and i love the lyrics because i love songs that sound like they were written in real time (i know they're not, but they SOUND like it). rambling and meandering and stream of consciousness songs are sooo my bag. also some lyrics sound like drunk ramblings or, well, 2 am ramblings, which creates a great landscape for the song's timeline. just her struggling over days and weeks to move past this breakup. and it's a bit intentionally confusing and messy, just like how real relationships/breakups can be. at several points in the song she blames herself, then them, then herself again, then swings back into desperation, anger, frustration, just a rollercoaster of emotions that happens during this experience.

i do think my favorite part though is the end of the rambling bridge when she sings in a sudden surge of self confidence "Bet I could still melt your world. Argumentative, antithetical dream girl!" and it's said in a bit of a manic tone, coming in quick succession after a snowballing bridge that culminates in this burst of confidence and instrumental crescendo. and it seems like ok! she's maybe coming out of it like, i'm great! you probably want me so bad but you don't DESERVE me. but then the song quiets down, her voice falls away for a few seconds and when it comes back, it's wistfully soft again, desperately deluding herself into thinking that they changed their mind and came back. she's right back where she started, delirious to the point of willfully hallucinating and in that moment, also realizing she's gotten to the part of the grief where she's lost her mind a bit and hit kind of a rock bottom of desperation. and to play it off, she sets it up as a joke and it's just so sad and deflecting and human to do that as you swim through the emotional muck, even if she's just being melodramatic. even if she knows it shouldn't still hurt, "make it make some sense why the wound is still bleeding" it still does and it makes her feel crazy! but then the track picks right back up again with that jovial banger of a tune to keep the lightness and the almost cinematic thread of "life and love has it's ups and downs, but isn't that the common human experience that we can all laugh about?"

i think it's a fantastic song, in how it's construction is in conversation with it's lyricism. and what it's trying to accomplish is such a throwback, and in that showing how universal the experience of a messy breakup is and always has been and probably always will be. and how important it is to remember how it's not that serious, even if it feels like it in the moment. you're just in it, but it'll pass and it is important while you're in it to honor how it feels serious, even if you're self aware that it's not. you gotta feel the crushing grief in order to process it and claw your way out. in the mean time, your friends are just rolling their eyes at you like, girl we've been there. see you in a month when you got it out of your system and i'll stop by your house every few days to make sure you shower. and one day it'll make for fun fodder to put in a song so everyone can listen and laugh at the melodrama and say yeah, we've been there. it always happens but it also always passes.

[wannaremember]

I saw @homosociallyyours and @jlf23tumble post theirs and felt like doing this since I can't sleep. I am not the best at picking answers to things but i will try.

Relationship status: Single. I don't know if i see myself ever being anything else. So in that way its complicated, my view of what I want, what I can have, whats possible and whats not. I try not to think about it though. I'm also kind of bitter about some things which sours my thoughts on relationships.

Favorite colors: is it okay to say every colour? Like i am so bad at picking a favourite thing :/ but if i had to pick right now, I'd say red. The answer could be different at any other given moment though 😅

Song stuck in my head: at the moment there is none. I dont think my brain has the space for it at the moment. I also can't think what the last song stuck in my head would have been but I do remember Happier than Ever being stuck in my head somewhat recently.

Last song I listened to: Bad friend by Rina Sawayama. I feel like anytime i do these things I'm always mentioning the same artists lol but really blame the spotify shuffle algorithm. Anyway i do love the song so I'm not mad about it.

3 favorite foods: once again picking a favourite is tough but for this its easier because I do have my ultimate favourite food in mind. Khausey, its like this noodle and yellow curry dish. Googling it probably won't be very useful and theres often different variants of it depending on what your cultural background is. So i usually think of the version I've grown up eating. I can never make it as good myself and its a lot of work to make the curry so I rarely make it myself. But god its the best. Second is halwa puri. Again something i can't explain but i love it. It always tastes best when you get it from the street. I think I'm going to start listing out all the street food i miss from back home as well as other foods i miss that i just cant get here, atleast not as good as they are back home so ill pick something different for the third option lol. Nutella, im not going to call it food per se and its not even that i think its particularly great but its a comfort thing for me where i just eat a few spoons of it on its own when I'm feeling low, or pmsing or anything, it takes very little excuse.

Last thing I googled: Moonlight, the movie, i saw a mention of it in a fic i was reading and googled it.

Dream trip: there's not really one place i would pick, like a world tour would be ideal and i could just go to all these different countries and explore different neighbourhoods, try out different food, do some activities, etc. If I had to be more specific, I'd go for Europe, though. I still get sad that I didn't get to travel much when I was there, and I can't really go back anytime soon.

Anything I want right now: more friends. People who i can talk to, who will get me and i wont have to worry about censoring myself or not being able to be myself completely. I feel like its a pretty big constant in my life though to want friends but never doing enough to make them. Idk but yeah also people in peron like that especially but even online closer friends that aren't just on messages and arent just fandom focused in conversation. I dont know whats tougher for me though interacting with people online or in person, they're both scary. Anyway i am trying but yeah friends was the very first thing i could think of to answer this.

I don't know who has done this already so i might tag someone who has already. I'll tag @bigxrig @uhoh-but-yeah-alright @suesheroll and anyone else who sees this and wants to do it!

[suugrbunz]

hey sweetcheeks, i was wondering if you're still doing BoB ships? if you're still doing them can please have one?

I'm 5'4 with long wavy black hair and brown/hazelish eyes. I'm extremely extroverted and love socialising and talking to people and flirting hehe. I can come off as a little cocky sometimes but i am just highly confident in myself and what i do (even if sometimes i am bluffing for the sake of faking it till i make it hehe). I have a psychology degree and am going to be an officer in the army one day (i'm an infantry reservist right now so already starting a little). I spend a lot of time at the gym and focusing on eating well as i strongly believe in keeping fit and treating myself right. I am the dad of my friend group cause for some reason i give those vibes off, maybe it's just cause i'm good at herding all of my mates together and telling them to sit down and shut up. Probably also because i'm extremely empathetic, like to the point where i kinda unconsciously take on other peoples emotions. In past relationships i've been pretty chill and independent but most of them haven't worked out because i need a man who shows me he want to be with me and if i don't get that then i kinda lose interest. I am also extremely chaotic, like just 24/7 even when i feel like shit you will catch me being spontaneous as hell or laughing my ass off at my own jokes and just always gotta be using my brain for something. I have been described by a lot of people as intimidating or a 'spitfire' cause i'm small but very outspoken and prepared to fight a bitch if they try me or especially my friends. I've also been told i'm scary by a lot of my guy mates cause if you try talk shit i'll put you in your place pretty quickly. Just generally like first glance and chat i'm an angel but later on you realise i'm the devils spawn idk

sweetcheeks? you're going to have me blushing and I don't even know you 💀

꒰ I ship you with . . . Babe Heffron εïз ꒱

ok so basically I think it'd be cute if you two met in college, he's majoring in not psych (idk man insert something here ok), you're in psych... maybe you helped each other study and from there it evolved into feelings of love for each other, sometimes love just happens it's like the shit happens car sticker from Forrest Gump but love idk this is probably a bad joke or it's not and I've entertained you (the better option) at first, he might be a little irked at some of the cockiness but honestly it might become something he sees as endearing, it's weird how you can hate a trait and then it slowly snowballs into something more endearing, ykow??

I have the cutest idea wait ok so he confesses first and he's absolutely nervous because woah he loves you and he's afraid to tell you!! He asks you to hangout with him at a restaurant near campus or maybe it's in campus idk what type of campus you have going on ok anyway so he confesses, stumbling over his words and then bam

🏃💨

he's run off to the toilet bye perhaps hes gotta puke from the nerves or maybe he just needs a moment to breathe (me too, Heffron, me too)

ok but your first date could be at a drive in cinema, that'd be really fun, right? Idk what you're going to watch but I think it'd be a cute date, like at the drive in, you can still talk to each other, you have snacks, um, yeah, other things that are positive !

Ok so babe is going to kiss you goodnight and then you both leave, babe gets in the car and is just a ball of excitement. Hopefully, you're feeling the same.

He might be a little clingy from time to time but he just cannot get over the fact you are his to love

Like wow what a great achievement

he will also laugh a bit too hard at your jokes, whatever they may entail

He's the angel to your devil (Halloween costume idea, you're welcome)

don't worry baby by the beach boys

[aylaaescar]

Hi hello those ships asks are so much fun!! So here's a bunch: 11, 22, 27 for Vanyla/Leliana, 3+13 for Sky and Atton if you feel like it, 7+24 for Rosemary/Fenris, and 12-15 for Meg/Ashley? <3 WAIT also 1, 23, 30 for Aelisay/Bull

aHHHh thank you!! my blorbos and THEIR blorbos <3 (and right?? these are so fun skdfgj I love answering these, even if they take me a hot minute)

putting under a cut bc I ramble <3

Vanyla/Leliana

11. What good do they bring out in each other?

I think that what Leliana brings out of Vanyla is more obvious than the other way around, for one thing. Vanyla is way nicer and softer when Leliana is around, puts more effort into not being quite so sharp and mean as she normally is. (which, in all fairness, is a thing that she learns in general during the Blight, but Leli brings it out more often lol.)

on Leliana's end, Vanyla helps her to be more accepting and at peace with herself and what she's done. Vanyla is very firm that no matter what Leli's done in the past, it doesn't dictate who she is now, and that Marjolaine's comments were worthless, cruel jabs to lower her guard.

22. What's different about their backgrounds? Do those differences affect the relationship?

so you've got Leliana, orphan who was raised by a noblewoman turned bard turned runaway turned Chantry sister. Vanyla, meanwhile, was a noblewoman who lived in the total lap of luxury until very recently. I wanna say that it affects the relationship, but it also doesn't? as in - obviously they have different backgrounds that shaped their views on the world. I can only speak for Vanny since she's my OC, ofc, but she was deeply spoiled and self-absorbed before becoming a Warden. this woman stomped her foot and threw a fit the first time she had to actually pay for something and didn't have the coin or family name to her name. (Alistair saw it. he's been judging her for that moment ever since.)

so it affects her relationship w Leliana, but it also affects, like, everything about the Blight and her growing up as a person during it, lol. does that make sense?? learning to be less spoiled and arrogant was a big thing for her. listening to Leliana talk about her background might be one of the first times Vanyla gave much of a thought to the lives of her castle's servants, and it was a deeply uncomfortable realization that kept her up that night.

27. What interests do they share? For interests they don't share, do they ever participate anyway?

fun fact: they actually first bonded w each other because they were talking about shoes or hair, lol. they're both very feminine and fashionable, they love pretty frilly things and shoes. Vanyla is a proud Fereldan ofc, but if there's anything Orlais does better in her opinion, it's the shoes. and fashion. they go shopping together a lot whenever they're in Denerim or a major city that allows it, and though the Blight probably isn't the best time to lug around some cute dresses like that... it's fine, it's all fine, it's going to a good cause. the cause of looking great. :^)

Vanyla also loves reading and whatever the Thedosian equivalent of brain teasers are, and I would hazard a guess that Leliana enjoys those as well? yeah.

Sky/Atton (rest assured that I am always down to talk about them skdfjg I'm just lazy and haven't added the KOTOR crew to my OC page yet bc idk what to do for images?? somebody remind me to get on that sometime)

3. What's their favorite thing to tease each other about?

idk if they have a favorite thing, but they affectionately tease each other about a fair amount? piloting skills, pazaak skills, Force talents, you name it. Sky's glowing red eyes came up in conversation once when it was pitch black and Atton was able to see her anyway. gotta love the Chiss.

13. How do they express love for each other? Do they have compatible love languages?

I talked about it a bit on my old blog, but a thing before I answer bc I feel like it affects it: they never actually get together. they're in love w each other, yeah, and I think they spend their lives together after Sky returns from finding Revan, but it's strictly in this officially platonic capacity. they're best friends who understand each other and their respective dark sides better than anybody, they're loyal to each other and would die for the other, but there's also... never any romantic resolution to their relationship. neither of them can forgive themselves for what they've done enough to let themself be loved, I think. idk if I'm explaining it well haha. and in Sky's case, she doesn't know if Atton would actually want to be with her or if the Force bonds would make him fall for her. it's complicated.

anyway! to answer the actual question! I would peg them as both being quality time and acts of service - the former bc, well, they spend p much all their time together when Sky gets back from finding Revan and she reconciles with Atton. the latter bc they might never actually say the words "I'm in love with you" to each other and stay officially platonic, but they still do what they can for each other anyway. nobody has their back like the other does.

Rosemary/Fenris

7. What's their most and least favorite thing about each other?

for Rosemary: man, what didn't she like about him? his strength, his sense of humor, his cleverness, she loved p much everything. his stance on mages caused some friction, but they were able to come around and see each other's point of view after a while.

for Fenris: I'd say that he loved her compassion and humor most of all, and that what he liked the least was how much she was unable to stop blaming herself for bad things that weren't her fault. :/

24. How did they fall for each other?

I feel like they were both attracted to each other from the start, but falling in love was a thing that happened gradually over the years as they became friends and got to really know each other. idk if there was any one big event that prompted it, but they both became much more aware of their own feelings and started to explore the possibility of a romance between each other just a bit before act 2 started.

Meg/Ashley

12. What struggle have they seen each other through?

*gestures to the whole Reaper thing*

but that's a cheap answer sdkfghsjgk. Virmire is a heavy one for them both - they were both close friends with Kaidan, and his loss never really stopped being painful. it just became easier to deal with.

Meg had to deal with her former gang on Earth becoming xenophobic as they pushed into space, as well as learning more of the circumstances behind Akuze, and Ashley was present for both of those. Ashley had to deal with the loss of her sister's husband, which Meg was there for. on a much, MUCH lighter note - there was some anxiety and fear about the rules and regulations back in ME1, but by the time ME3 rolled around, they both decided they didn't care. they could be written up when the Reapers were gone.

13. How do they express love for each other? Do they have compatible love languages?

not verbally, for one thing. they'll both say it in big moments, I think, but otherwise they don't say "I love you" as much as other couples might. not that they don't feel it, ofc, it's just not who they are (and Meg in particular has a very hard time verbalizing how she feels). so I'd peg them as quality time and acts of service? spending a lot of time together while going out of their way to do things for the other that'll make her life easier.

14. What little things remind them of each other?

Meg re: Ashley: phoenix armor, shotguns (or boomsticks, as they're lovingly called), poetry, discussions of faith

Ashley re: Meg: the color pink, pretty shoes and fashion in general, biotic charges, hilariously deadpan/stoic responses to weird stuff

15. What habits or characteristics have they picked up from each other?

idk if this one counts as a habit, but Meg's become a lot more expressive after she and Ashley have been together for a while. she's still largely a stoic person lol, but she shows emotions more often than she used to. also she smiles more, which takes everybody by surprise the first time that happens.

Ashley feels a little bit harder to pin down? maybe a bit of Meg's rather clipped way of speaking, but that's about all I can think of? 🤔 she doesn't really strike me as the type to easily pick up stuff from others, she's very uniquely herself lol.

Ealisay/Bull

1. What do they think of each other's family? And how does the family feel?

the Ostwick clan just loves that one :^D jk no uh, the Trevelyan family isn't terribly thrilled as a whole? Ealisay's parents would really rather that she agree to marry some nice noble and secure an alliance, but I'm also reasonably sure there's jack squat they can do about it since their kid is LITERALLY the Herald of Andraste. they come to be more accepting over time, and even approve a little bc Ealisay is obviously happy, but it takes a bit for them to get there. Ealisay's siblings are kind of mixed - at least one is the same as their parents, at least one just plain doesn't care and is ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ about it, and I know Ealisay has a mage twin brother (you heard it here first, folks) who's happy for her. that said, Ealisay isn't really close to her family in general and doesn't actively seek their approval anymore. she's happy with Bull, and that's what matters to her. I get the impression that Bull probably wouldn't want to get involved with that scene?? which works fine for Ealisay, bc she doesn't really want to get involved anymore either.

long paragraph woo

on Bull's end, obviously biological family is trickier bc the Qun but! he sure does have the Chargers! and Ealisay gets along with them VERY well, they're family as far as they're both concerned. complete with meddling sister vibes as she plays matchmaker for Krem and Maryden.

23. What was their first impression of each other?

Ealisay internally: m u s c l e s

basically that he was A) enormous B) good in a fight C) hot D) BIG MUSCLES. idk if it's been mentioned before but that girl is heart eyes for big muscles. it's hot. she also thought he seemed like he'd be enjoyable to have around, just from his general demeanor, so she liked him p much right away? admitting that he was a Ben-Hassrath didn't really deter her lol, she thought it was nice that he was upfront and didn't really think about that until waaaay later.

on Bull's end, I will assume that he also noticed Ealisay being good in a fight bc that lady is a solid tank lol. also that she was... ehh "silly" isn't the right word, but not as serious as one might assume the Herald of Andraste to be? he knew who she was right away, ofc, but she was a lot more relaxed and playful than one might have assumed a noblewoman turned Herald to be.

30. Where is their relationship the strongest?

w their muscles bc they're both buff warriors 💪🐮💪👩

jk no, I'm gonna say that it's in how plain supportive they are of each other? Bull's is obvious from his romance, how much he goes out of his way to help the Inquisitor feel good and grounded, and I love him for it (as does Ealisay). Ealisay is similar in that regard - she's the first to tell him that he's a good man without the Qun and that he doesn't need it to be a good person, she'll just shrug and pick up the stick and go to town when he's doing those fear exercises, she distracts him so he'll have a nice birthday surprise even tho they both know he knows what the Chargers are doing. they're very ride or die for each other.

[emisirrelevant]

THOUGHTS ON POWER RANGERS DINO FURY SEASON 2 FINALE

*SPOILERS AHEAD

So I'm only going to just touch on two major points here, but they stood out the most to me so that's my reasoning/justification.

Okay, so up first we have Amelia's storyline.

WHAT. That's literally all I have to say right now. Because I'M STILL PROCESSING IT. Part of my brain is like- okay, fine- we know Amelia wanted to find out what happened to her parents. So we had to wrap that up somehow.

But also, the other half is like- Do we like how Hasbro executed that?? this is a kid's show so of course they did not have time to explore and discover the truly deep and complex intricate dynamics that could have happened with Amelia finding out that Void Knight and Void Queen were her parents. Like I wanted to see them show more of Amelia grappling with the fact that her parents were not great people for a period of time.

ALSO I am still processing the fact that she is Rafkonian. It's just.. hmm..um how do I find words for how I feel about Amelia's storyline. I just think for now all I can say is... I DON'T KNOW if I like it at the moment. It's just gonna have to marinate in the membrane for a bit.

Moving on- I KNEW ZAYTO WASN'T DEAD.

Did that stop me from admittedly getting kinda emo anyway though?

So here's the thing I find interesting about the "sacrifice" trope/play in Power Rangers.

Personally, to this day, I still think nothing comes close to Kendrix's storyline from Lost Galaxy.

So ANYTIME I immediately notice a plot/storyline in Power Rangers that seems to head in that direction, Kendrix is immediately what I refer back to/reference.

Again, similar to Amelia's storyline, I think if they had more time, the show really could have gone in an interesting direction if they really had k-worded Zayto.

I will admit, they really almost had me on the edge- just for an instance, a split-second, I really believed they would kill off a character.

However, because the show has changed so much though as well, I knew that it would be too "dark" for a "young audience".

But yes, I am basically just saying that leaving a character dead would have been such an interesting move for the show- as that is very rare.

And lastly, this is just mere speculation on my part, but since we know the next season is confirmed to be Cosmic Fury, what is the season going to look like?

I know that apparently the same cast is returning (or is it technically staying?) to do Cosmic Fury so that is already very interesting to me- how are they going to shift into the.. Cosmic Rangers??

Will Ollie and Amelia and Izzy and Fern stay together?

Are we going to see more Jane and J-Borg...

Or will it be a completely different place even? We know at the end Zayto says that Lord Zedd has escaped, and they teleport somewhere. Idk.

Would they even change *gasp* their colors???

Very intrigued to see what the morpher is going to look like as well, since Kyuranger's looked interesting in my opinion.

And if we get a team-up, well.. let's just say I don't exactly want to get my hopes up, but I wonder which Rangers would take part.

Even though this show has changed so much since it first aired, I'm probably still going to keep watching. I want to believe in this Hasbro era. I mean, even if I have my favorites at the end of the day, this is a fandom I really do enjoy being in- it has its ups and downs like any other, of course, but I am personally a believer in the phrase "once a ranger, always a ranger". I'm in this ranger nation for life.

[no1monstersimp]

If you're still doing the Salty Ask stuff, what about 7, 9, 23?

Thank you for the asks :D

Q: 7. Something I used to like but can't stand now.

A: I'm not sure tbh. I guess you could say this arc. This arc is wonderful, but I'm just ready to see what the consequences will be and what is going to happen, you know? Plus it caused me so much pain.

Q: 9. Disliked characters and why.

A: *sigh* Here we go haha. I'll probably get hate.

A character I have actually come to terms in hating is Psykos. I have a whole post to write on her but in short, she's actual evil. She pretended to be a monster to manipulate a whole society with fear into doing her bidding. She manipulated Orochi through brain washing, then throws him away like trash when she's losing.

No no no cause also , while the monsters, who were TRICKED into thinking they needed a war in the first place were DYING; She's drinking wine. Until I get a GOOD reason that isn't " oh Fubuki etc.", then I'll stay hating her. If we're being honest, what is likeable about her right now? Besides her being pretty. Sorry for ranting, but God😭.

I would say Garou but I want to see how this pans out first before I hate him. I do hate though that he picked on others while they were down. I mean, who hurts Mumen? Who does that?

I also hate McCoy ,cause like, corruption.

Also the dude in the sea monster arc that downplayed the heros with his bowl cut having... Anyways.

Also I kinda hate tank top Blackhole and Tiger for what they did to Saitama, and giving TTM a bad name cause he's a sweetheart.

Also fuck Sludge Jellyfish, no one likes him.(love his design though, but damn he's annoying asf😭.)

I'm probably forgetting ones I hate but it is what it is lol.

Q: 23. Unpopular character(s) I love:

A:

Here we go, this may be a little long. I'm sorry in advance.

I love Royal Ripper, I know people hate them for what they did to Garou and Tareo, but I love them. I like the way they kinda just, idk, they have an attitude to them, like what we see with their attitude towards Great Food Tub. I love how cute they look in the background of scenes, they're gender envy. They pull off a plain dress and flats, making it✨ i c o n i c. ✨ I have a headcanon that they are gender fluid aswell. It's not canon and never will be, but I always have my thoughts.

I love Bug God, I just do, I like the way he works well with Royal Ripper and I wish we saw more of them as a team. They have a mutual respect for eachother, it's rare to have seen Royal Ripper be calmed in their feral moments as quickly as Bug God got them to calm down. I wish he beat Super Alloys ass tbh 😳.

I love Homeless Emperor, I feel awful for him, I miss him a lot. It was going to happen, though it still hurts. Much like with Royal Ripper. He's not that bad looking either. I like to think he takes over playgrounds and scares kids off of slides cause that shit is HIS.

I love Phoenix Man, I like his original form, but not in "I'm attracted to him" way though. I think it's BEAUTIFUL. The shading and everything. I also love his sass aswell. My favorite part is when Rhino Wrestler asks him what his disaster level may be and he goes " I don't care". So naturally, when Resurrected Phoenix Man debuted, that was a plus. Resurrected Phoenix man is "I'm attracted to him".

I love this hand on hip pose he always did :

He is just 👌💖mmm💖👌. What else needs to be explained?

I love Maiko and ELM, I love them as a couple and how they support eachother. I love how he praises her. I love them.

I love Awakened Roach. I love this part specifically. As you see there is a trend, with cocky, overconfident monsters. Also his thighs😳. His eyeliner is on point too. I love how he just sits there and thinks for so long, idk why it's funny to me. I guess it being paired by how "over his shit" Genos looks looking up at him, makes it better.

I love almost all of the lower class members that aren't as popular as the main cast (D-Pad, Gasmask Cowboy, Bone, Red Muffler, Butterfly DX, Forte, Chain n' Toad, Golden Ball, Spring etc etc)

Also Mentai and Zakos from the Super Fight, they're adorable. I think if I listed all the characters I like we'd be here forever 😞.

I should end the listing here or we'll be here forever. I probably missed characters though. Let's just sum it up at almost all of the monster association men and women.

Again thank you for the asks! They're always open even without this template! 💖

[learntfromamillionmistakes]

Also would love to hear more about this theory "I maintain that they'd decided the documentary was going to be centred around Gina and Ricky in ep 4 and I will die on this hill". Had the same feelings because channing been focusing on Ricky but idk how to articulate it

I completely forgot that my ask box was open, you can tell I disappear off of here between seasons 😂

This got super long and is essentially a brain dump, so I'm sorry 😂 but I basically just didn't stop typing

Corbin just had SUCH a knowing look when he saw Ricky's reaction to LIAOD, to the point where he got Channings attention and asked what Ricky thought and then when Ricky walked out

And there's still the night in the woods - he must have been watching them (you see a shadow or something running through the woods, I want to say before a group scene? I'm not sure) so maybe Channing actually saw something that night and told Corbin then the next day Corbin is like dude catch this! About Ricky's reaction

I can't remember what I said in that post (if I even said anything else) but I do think that Corbin might have said that they weren't suitable for the doc just to add some pressure and see what would happen, move things along if you like (I feel like I'm not saying this properly but hopefully you get me) and it worked, they set up the whole thing where Ricky and Gina were exs and Ricky still had feelings for Gina - they knowingly played into what Corbin wanted but just didn't realise that he was doing it on purpose

There's also E* stay in your lane Bowen comment that it's impossible not to see that E* isn't thrilled about Ricky being near Gina

Everyone knows a love triangle sells, always has always will - even though we all complain about them, and Ricky hasn't exactly been great at hiding his feelings, E* hasn't been great at hiding his feelings towards Ricky, and Gina (bless her) has been trying with E* but at the end of the day her chemistry with Ricky is undeniable

There's also Channings comment to them when they're out in the little porch bit (is that what they're called? My brain isn't working) 'break up the rebound or something' so he clearly knows, and is openly acknowledging their relationship with each other (though I don't think he said that to create drama' since he wasn't recording - though this assumes they don't have cameras anywhere else)

And even if LIAOD wasn't where they decided to make it about them then the second Channing got Ricky confessing on camera it 100% became about them because all of a sudden a couple moments and some tension went from theory to real - but he never would have been filming them secretly if he wasn't making it about them because why not film the camps main actual couple who were clearly a bit tense with each other? Answer: he saw the chemistry during WDYKAL, everyone did - it's actually the only time we've had the east high lot kinda acknowledge anything between Ricky and Gina as a pair, and he probably knew that Ricky was seconds away from saying something to someone. Did he break up Ricky and Gina talking because he thought he might confess in that moment? I don't know. But I do really think he knew Ricky was on the edge and all he had to do was sit patiently and wait for him to say it

Love triangles sell in EVERY media, everyone knows that, including the campers who put it into their little formula! So there is zero way, in my mind, that Corbin and Channing - who both have experience in the media - were around them and didn't notice the love triangle gold right in front of them and decide to focus on that in the documentary

[fencesandfrogs]

@jokingmaiden replied to your post “@jokingmaiden replied to your post “okay, i have...”:

i’m glad i could help!! also yes please on the Inside Guys help bc my therapist and i have been talking abt it and i’m getting unreasonably frustrated

okay so uhh you definitely have to start where you are. i have reasonably good communication bc idk 🤷‍♂️ i'm just like that ig? but like. step one is recognizing when parts are around.

(aside: i'm gonna use parts language because it's more general imo. also because it's the language i prefer. replace parts with alters/headmates/brain guys/etc as you prefer, content doesn't change. seriously ur allowed to call ur guys whatever you want as long as it works for you. i mean don't be rude. but i was reading about this & as long as it works for you and yours therapy best practices say you can use that language. i like parts. if you want to call them goddamn planets in ur solar system u can do that.)

okay where was i.

right so like. as i understand it, the general outline for this is to grab every and any communication you have. leave notes somewhere you can't miss them. if you have people you trust who can hold messages. it doesn't matter, whatever you need to do to start communication lines. i don't have great advice for that bc i did not really have to do a lot of it. *shrug*

frankly internal communication is easier for me, for Reasons (tm c r).

so what i was saying earlier is that you start to recognize intrusions. moments where you feel another part's emotions, or you realize you're not acting like yourself. it might take practice. but when you find one of these moments, i like to just sit and turn my attention inward and sort of. "who's upset? what's going on?"

ur goal here is not to necessarily share memories/information, but just try to be present at the same time. like what i mean is. eg with one part, the last time she was upset, i ended up playing a game with her & being silly because neither of us are ready to address things.

i'm kind of all over the place right now because i think this is all very jumbled. like this process is a mess.

but okay, the idea here is. there are these great thick walls between you, right? they're trying to keep heavy shit from crossing thru. so you want to try to do lighthearted stuff that can "pass over" the top of the wall. you probably aren't ready to talk about what's going on, but maybe you can watch a funny show together.

and like, take any step however small as progress here. re my story from last time, the total amount of together time was probably all of five minutes, which was a hugely large amount of time for us. the previous record of us coexisting in a way that wasn't an argument was like...30 seconds?

but demonstrating curiosity and openness to inner experiences is just a big first step.

did sos is my usual resource for this kind of thing, so definitely poke around there to see if there's anything. usually i would direct you to stuff, but i'm not sure what exactly to point you towards because it depends on where you are.

this post is about system communication, and it offers some more resources.

<3

[heavnhellandeverythinginbetween]

I cried tonight. I won't go into why because explaining a conversation between two guys and me and how all of this came together is #dumb.

It felt good to cry tho. I still want to keep crying like I have more to cry about. I feel sad and crying makes me feel something in my core, ya know? Maybe not.

I know anything I feel right now is intense because of my depression. I know I use that as an excuse a lot, but my "low" phase hadn't really happened yet. I really don't know if my low point will happen, if it doesn't, great. But I still feel like I need to cry.

Idk. I just flipped the pod in and out of my vape pen and watched the bubbles around the pod while staring at the reflection of my phone screen on the kitchen light for 5 minutes.

Im dissociating and I'm not really sure why. What am I feeling that would make me separate? What HAPPENED that made me dissociate?

This message has probably taking me 21 minutes to right just because I feel tired. Im trying to find my words and explain to someone ANYONE that will hear me.

Im really lonely. Brian came over tonight and despite the conversation that made me cry, I only wanted to keep crying because here his friend is—a friend just being here. Loosing a friend took more of a toll on me than I realized.

I really did put so much trust into that relationship. Truly. It's so hard for me to trust and I finally let someone in. Finally, after all this shit with the relationships I’ve tried to build since moving here. Frankly, those were all self inflicted.

I told my partner I would bring the bong back to him. I've been so focused on trying to get through whatever I'm feeling right now. I forgot, he came in and got it. I want to cry because I should've remembered.

This is what my brain goes through in these moments. I have so many things that I struggle with.

I love my partner. Truly, and I do tell him how I feel--but you know, I can't do ^this^ to him. It becomes to complicated and men have simple brains :P

The problem is, I don't have anyone I can do this with here. I hate myself for not being able to make friends. I miss home. I miss being able to see my mom and my sister whenever, I miss knowing which way to go to get places. I miss the variety and experiences. I miss home.

But home hurts me. Home reminds me of so much trauma, my mom, my family. So much pain in the place that I miss so much.

Maybe it's because I miss being comfortable. I don't feel AT HOME. I've painted, moved things around, I've done everything I can, but I still can't get the same feeling that I had in my apartment, or my room at any of the places I stayed at. Why? I just wish I could lay on my corner bed in my apartment, and stare at the tiny windows in the kitchen and watch the trees blow

My heart and brain are going through so many feelings. I just didn't know who else to write any of this other than you.

[rain-in-the-clouds]

I don't normally vent on this blog, despite it being my main, mostly I just try and share what I love and whatnot. But like so many my age, older and younger, I have a love/obsession/hatred of tiktok.

It's a fun app that can be so nice and a great place to build community, have fun and be silly. But my fucking gods, that is not what its like 99.99999% of the time. And no I know I'm no one special in saying any of this. But I gotta vent, and at least here I can scream into the void knowing if anyone is gonna scream back it's gonna be about something completely different and probably about cats, food, boobs, or Fandom, and honestly that's what makes this the best site.

Anyways, I've struggled with anxiety for the majority of my life, depression as a side helping, and a medley of other things. About six months before the pandemic my anxiety skyrocketed, I started having massive panic attacks every day multiple times a day. At one point it felt like I was just existing through the day to eventually deal with a night filled with the feelings of death.

It was awful, I was barely living.

This is a tangent, but if anyone knows the song Overkill by Colin Hay, I used to sing that song a lot as a kid, like 6-7 years old singing that song, one day to gorw up living the life the song depicts. The lyrics that stick with me: "I can't get to sleep. I worry over situations I know will be alright. Day after day it reapers, night after night my heart beat shows the fear."

It was night after night after night, months went by like this. By middle of 2020 I was.... I wasn't ok. A way I had helped myself during that time, before I got some help and the meds I need, I would use tiktok. Now I'd use its worst attributes to my gain.

It's short form content and use of short attention spans was, especially in the moment, very helpful for subduing (most of the time it just delayed the panic attack) but my goal was never to outright stop the panic attacks, cus I had no way to do that, but to distract my brain long enough to get tired and pass out. It worked for a good while. It especially worked for stopping an attack right as it was starting.

Fast forward to now. Just like prior to the panic attacks I use tiktok to have fun, goof around and see cool stuff, (don't get me wrong I'm all about activism, and I use tiktok like any other for that too, but that's for when I'm in a good place mentally) but now, idk it's like I've let it corrupt me. The past year especially, I've gotten into more arguments in tiktok comments then I've gotten into arguments irl, doesn't matter if the argument was valid or not or even worth arguing over.

And I know it's the internet, nothing stays innocent forever, yes I know. But what I'm saying is tiktok in particular has somehow become more toxic then the majority or surface level internet. To me, it seems like it's trying to become the next 4chan more then the next tumblr. And I had hopes that it was heading in the direction of this hellsite, the Fandom elements there, book lovers, science, all of it: seriously seeing people ask ScienceTok, or BookTok, just makes me flashback to the days of "Science side of tumblr what does xyz mean?"

But no, instead we get the love child of vine and 4chan, it's half cousin-brother reddit somehow looks better next to tiktok.

It's dumb, it really is, cus yes the simple answer is, get off tiktok. But it's not simple, my livelihood relies on social media, for many reasons, like many people. The answer I've been going with is limiting myself on time spent, and I've been successful, I go a week or two without even opening the app, then hop on to check in, post and get a good laugh. But somehow, even if it's just one day, it has the power, (that I give it by gods) to suck me in and make me mad at something, even if it is something to be mad about, doesn't mean it's something I have to let get so under my skin it causes this to happen, (the this being moving to my og site and venting my woes)

It's just such a disappointment. At least I'll always have tumblr.

[moririki]

⤷ SAFETY NET

FATGUM & HAWKS X READER -> 1.1K
when partnered with another pro hero, expect them to look out for you and have your back when in danger )

REQUEST -> n/a
CONTAINS -> pro hero reader, reader falling off a building but not like that, reader thinking they might die for like two seconds in hawks' but they do NOT, fanon hawks(?) kind of im sorry, lazy plot
MORI'S THOUGHTS -> idk remember that tiktok trend around january where someone pretends to fall off a building and then make a swift getaway???? yeah it's just that basically

❍ FATGUM

-> "hey, get back here!" you ignored the angry voice, sprinting harder as you made your way to the roof of the building while cursing under your breath

-> when you clocked into work this morning, you didn't expect to be infiltrating a villain's headquarters in order to steal some documents to be on the agenda

-> neither did your partner fatgum

-> you shared an incredulous look before being given directions and a debrief

-> since fatgum was a rescue hero, there was an agreement for him to linger behind as backup while you went inside

-> though your quirk was nowhere near suited to this mission, you were still the better option to do so

-> you spoke into your earpiece quickly as you threw open the door to the roof, getting hit with the fierce wind

-> "you better fucking catch me, toyomitsu," you muttered to yourself, clutching the documents to your chest

-> you ran to the edge of the building, sucking in a deep breath as you saw how high up you were

-> but if you were to squint, you could make out the faint yellow blob that was your partner

-> "i'm right here, y/n," he chirped through the earpiece. "well, i'm a few stories down"

-> despite the adrenaline coursing through you, you giggled a little. you were about to respond when the door to the roof banged open again behind you

-> you turned to see several men, with guns, run out and surround you

-> well, it was now or never

-> "you've got nowhere to run, hero," the ringleader snarled

-> you tried to sound confident, racking your brain for any witty one-liner

-> "maybe not run, but..." you trailed off, raising your hand in a mock salute before steeling your nerves and taking a step back off of the ledge

-> you would have laughed at the way the ringleader's eyes looked like they would boggle out of his head, but the horrifying feeling of freefalling invaded your senses

-> maintaining your death grip on the documents you had risked your life to get, you shut your eyes and curled in on yourself as you braced yourself for any impact

-> sure, fatgum said he was here, but the wind rushing through your hair and the way the roof got further and further away wasn't instilling much confidence in you

-> but after those worst moments of your life, you felt your body hit something soft

-> it happened fast, but one moment you were gaining momentum, and the next you were safely engulfed in the familiar warmth of fatgum

-> his arms were wrapped around you, and you sucked in a breath that you didn't realise that you were holding in

-> you didn't move, just letting your heartbeat return to normal and for your senses to come back

-> you vaguely became aware of the way toyomitsu was patting your head in some attempt to comfort you, and you clung to him gladly

-> "right now, you're probably my favourite person in the entire world." you finally let out a breathless laugh, and you heard the comforting rumble of fatgum's in return

-> "well, i'd be a terrible partner if i didn't catch you. i guess i'd feel bad, too." you giggled as he finally set you down on your own feet, though he still stayed close

-> "now, how about we go get something to eat?" he suggested

-> "you read my mind," you beamed at him

❍ HAWKS

-> when you, two young aspiring heroes, had initially been assigned to work as partners there was a great protest

-> both you and the winged hero were adamant about working best on your own, but it was out of your hands

-> so for the past few months, you adapted to having a partner during your hero work

-> the amount of squabbles that the two of you had over which one of you was the sidekick was exhausting

-> with your quirk being accustomed to land and his to air, it was a bit of a mystery as to how you were supposed to work together

-> but you made it work

-> both of you were extremely capable as heroes, and quickly adapted to each others' quirks

-> there was a reason for you both being placed in the top ten, after all

-> but when hawks wasn't taking down villains, he gave no indication of being ranked 2nd in the country

-> "aw, c'mon, y/n, don't tell me you aren't hungry," he complained

-> "keigo, we aren't going to the fried chicken place"

-> the man almost pouted

-> "why not?"

-> "the last time we went there i had to sit and watch you eat them until you were sucking on the bone. i'd rather not have to see that again, ever"

-> hawks opened his mouth, probably to sulk, when you both heard a some screams from around the corner

-> exchanging a quick look, both of you prepared wordlessly and started to approach the scene

-> from what you could see, there was a villain stood outside of a jewellery store, with several civilians scrambling for cover

-> you couldn't see any major damage, but your eyes widened as you saw how one man in a suit was suddenly launched high into the air by the villain

-> "looks like i'll handle that," hawks muttered, quickly taking flight and catching up to the guy

-> you sprang into action too, helping to evacuate the area while the villain's attention was diverted by your partner's flashy wings

-> you had just ushered a woman to safety when you felt the ground slip away from beneath you and start to shrink as you were flung away at an alarming speed

-> well, fuck, you thought. i guess this is it.

-> as you reached the apex of your trajectory, you felt your stomach drop as you began to return back to earth

-> you felt a bit pathetic as you pictured the headlines- "number three hero dies from being thrown too hard, did nothing to prevent fall"

-> but when the slam of concrete never greeted your body, and an arm wrapped around your waist and jerked you swiftly upwards again, you were reminded just why you had been stuck with a partner

-> "geez, was a bank robber too much to handle for the number 3 hero?" you heard hawks' smartass comment, and you glared at him in return

-> "you really left it until the last second, huh?" you poked his shoulder in annoyance, and felt him laugh as he readjusted his grip

-> "maybe if you agree to go to the chicken place after arresting this guy i won't drop you"

-> "deal"

take a look at the menu - ,, 🍡 ·˚ ༘ ꒱

[downwiththemutantnjnjaturtles]

We Met Within This Screen [chapt. 6]

[Donnie x reader]

sfw, chapter 5 here

Come on, save it, save it, Donnie chanted to himself later that night, at home and tucked away in his room trying to figure out how to neutralize the situation. He paced along his bed back and forth, phone in hand as he wracked his brain thinking about how he'd get her to let it go. He could tell her that she was...overtired? Go the stereotypical route and say it was just her eyes playing tricks on her? Try to play it off as human teenagers messing around on the roof?

She'd gone to bed already. He hated that he couldn't pursue the subject until morning, her morning, but by then, he'd be tired. When she woke, he slept. But he needed to get it resolved as quickly as possible, so he reckoned it was time to pull an all nighter. Luckily, that wasn't anything he wasn't used to.

He figured he'd get the preliminaries out of the way so he could get right to it when she eventually texted back.

"Good morning

I know you're not awake yet but I figured I'd get an early start today.

I want to know, what exactly did you see last night?"

He shut his phone off and set it down on the bed, fingers rubbing his temples. Depending on her answer, this would either be difficult, or near impossible.

The rest of his time was spent just waiting around for her to finally wake up, dodging all his brothers and trying to occupy himself with something. He was fiddling with the radio he kept on the floor next to his bed when his phone notified him of a message. Turning the volume up, some old-school rock played softly. He didn't always keep music on when he worked, which was what he was doing felt like, but something needed to fill the silence. It also made it feel more casual to have the radio on, for both himself and for whoever might stop by his room.

"Good morning to you too

That was...sudden??"

How nice it was to read those words coming from someone who wasn't his family. Not that they said it like that often anyway, but the small gesture hit differently.

"I'm just really curious about what you said you saw."

Curious? Not quite. More like dying to know, and not because he fancied himself some cryptid hunting.

"That's fair I guess

But don't laugh, ok?"

"I'd never, [y/n]"

"Well

Okay

They were big

But no like not the overweight kinf, not even just 'tall guy' kind of big

kind*

You know?"

Yeah, I aware. I'm 6'8" and have a giant shell on my back.

"They?"

He was hoping she'd only seen one of them. Maybe it would have been easier, but, of course, that wasn't the case.

"I think there were two

Idk it just looked really weird, it was dark but the silhouette from the light made them look bulky, I don't know what it was"

Lips pursed tight, he looked up from his phone, and all of a sudden that music in the background was suffocating. He quickly reached over and shut it off. He needed to be able to divert all of his attention to one thing. Except, even though he should have been spazzing over her spotting them (even if just for a split second), a concern crept up in the back of his mind that made him scoff at himself. The need to know was too great.

His eyes fell on his scaled, three-fingered hand as he typed.

"Did it scare you?"

Perhaps it wasn't what he should have been focusing on. But he was. He knew she hadn't seen much, but what if she quipped that it was frightening, or gross, or…?

"I don't know, Bo

I guess it was kind of freaky

Uh, do you actually believe me? That I saw something?"

"'Freaky?'" he repeated to himself in a whisper, brow ridge furrowed. What was I expecting?

He had to shake himself of whatever was going on in his head at the moment, because there were more pressing matters at hand. Like what he was going to answer her question with. Theoretically, he could go two routes; one, invalidate the experience and try to walk on the line of telling her that it was not real without making her feel crazy. And then probably get mad at him. Or two, go along with it, if he didn't have the heart to do that to her. The answer was already here; he let out a deep sigh. Two, it is.

Nothing could make him want to make her feel that way, even if it meant he'd have to put in a little extra effort in fixing his mistake.

"I wouldn't doubt your judgement, [y/n]."

"Thanks

That makes me feel a lot better

You're a really good guy, Bo :)"

Freezing, he sat and stared at the screen before slowly taking the phone away from his face, lips moving, but no sound coming out. He had no idea what to say; all he could focus on was the fact that the girl he undeniably liked thought he was a good guy. And that, presumably, it meant she might have liked him as well. Big on the "might", he realized as the logical part of his mind took over once again. Regardless, he licked his lips and got to preparing a worthy response. He didn't want to come off as flustered as he felt. Donnie was aware he was not particularly suave—he took solace in the fact that she couldn't see his face or hear his voice. He contemplated on acting a bit more "cool guy" than he actually was, but wanted her to like him for him, not a facade. Which was a major contradiction to all that he had done up to that point, but the least he could do was be the person he was on the inside!

"You there?"

"Sorry, I got distracted…

You really think so?"

"That I think you're a great guy?"

"Well...yes."

"Totally. 100%"

His heart was going, he was stammering to himself, and a new feeling enveloped him. He was no stranger to the different emotions; he'd gotten familiar with many of them. Because though he didn't always show it, he had a lot of feelings. These, he felt most viscerally. But he had to get back on track. If he could push last night's incident under the rug, all would be well. More well than it already was, considering.

"Thank you, [y/n]

To be honest, I've never had a friend like you

So, do you want to talk more about what you saw? I know I'm switching tracks quickly, it's just very….interesting."

It was a jarring and awkward subject change, he knew that, but he desperately wanted to get it out of the way. The sooner, the better.

"I suppose

You seem pretty interested in it"

Maybe she wasn't hanging onto the experience like he'd thought she would. There were so many tales of people seeing inexplicable things and becoming enraptured by the experience that he guessed he should only expect the worst, but it appeared that she was not so obsessed. Crisis averted?

"Not too much, I was just wondering

We can forget about it."

"Oh, I'm not going to forget about it, Bo"

There it is, he thought, not surprised.

After thirty minutes of attempting to throw her off without coming off as suspicious himself, he had to take a breather, reorganize his mind. Only to come back and find that she had to go take care of things, and that she'd talk to him later. He'd done as much fixing as he could; at that point, it was as good as it was going to get. The thought of being looked for by his unknowing friend loomed about in the coming weeks as they did their patrols, when they would pass by her residence, and the times that he snuck off to stop by himself. Sometimes accompanied by Mikey, but he tried to keep it as solitary as possible. Soon, watching her on her balcony from that roof became part of his routine. He vaguely thought sometimes that watching her like that could be considered creepy, but that ship had already sailed.

For the third time in the last month he was there yet again, on the same roof, watching the same balcony, watching the same girl. Sometimes they texted, sometimes they didn't. The times he wasn't talking to her as he sat there were the times he daringly crossed the threshold onto the fire escape. There were only a few instances of that. But did he still feel out of his mind doing so? Yes. The window only looked into part of the living room and kitchen, but he felt scandalous to do it. Most of his time there was spent only with his shell against the wall next to the window, just out of sight. He could always hear her faint but noticeable footsteps coming and could easily vault the railing and climb up or drop down. She couldn't get past his keen hearing unless she knew to tread lightly.

Mikey was with him once again, this time out to look for scrap rather than patrol. He'd been buddied up with his younger brother more often ever since their talk that night in Donnie's room. They only stopped by because they were already out and had a viable excuse.

"Does she know about us? Like, me, Leo, Raph..." rambled Mikey, curious, as he practiced one of his new moves with his skateboard. He kicked up onto the ledge of the roof and skidded before hopping off, tucking the board under his arm. "You guys have been together like, what, two months? And she doesn't even know your name."

Fiddling with the strap reaching around his shoulder, Donnie replied matter-of-factly to hide the embarrassment that was ailing him at the thought, "Okay, for starters, we're not 'together'. And secondly, she hasn't mentioned voice chatting in a while."

"And?" He got back on his board, zooming by Donnie.

"My name? It just hasn't come up," Donnie shrugged.

"Call her, then!" Mikey smiled, still preoccupied with his board and trying out his new tricks. Donnie gave a light scoff and shook his head. His brother passed behind him where he sat leaned against the water tower.

"I don't want to just call her out of nowhere, Mikey, she might be asleep."

He also didn't want his brother there when he did.

"You gotta not be so shy!...oh, look, in the window. Right there. See? She's up," he quipped with a small smirk. The curtain was drawn, but the light had turned on at some point, and they could see her silhouette moving past. Donnie looked over his shoulder to say something but felt a hand slip into his pocket on the other side, stealing his phone right off of him. He was fast, but Mikey was faster in jumping into his board and gliding all the way to the other side of the roof with the fussy turtle hot on his trail.

"Mikey, quit it!" Donnie barked, lunging toward him for the phone.

"You'll thank me later!"

The two wrestled for the phone, Mikey holding it just out of reach as he tried to navigate the screen without dropping it.

"Come on," grunted Donnie as the tussle led them near the edge, where Mikey held it precariously over the alley below. His glasses were jostled off his face when a stray hand bumped them, causing them to fall amongst their feet. Squinting, he partially knelt down and searched for the pair while still looking at his brother and his phone, trying to stretch his arm long enough to snatch it. "Really?" he groaned, "just give me the phone!"

Donnie slung out his staff and used the other end to whack his wrist from underneath just as he pulled away from the edge, losing his grip on the phone. Mikey tried to catch it but it bounced off his hand, going right over the side of the roof and plummeting down into the alley.

Mikey froze. Donnie finally found his glasses.

Laughing nervously, Mikey turned back to him, "Whoops…"

When he didn't immediately find the phone on the ground, Donnie knew what happened. He looked over the edge, and there it was, sitting on the pavement in the alleyway. The building wasn't incredibly tall, but enough to do some major damage. He'd have to switch for one of his spares if he didn't want to deal with a busted-up screen.

"I don't need your 'help', Mikey, so leave it alone next time," Donnie said and gave him a narrow-eyed look, huffing as he leaped down to retrieve it.

Mikey may have been insistent, but he knew then it was time to stop. All he wanted to do was help. For his shy, flakey brother to come out of his shell (no pun intended). Donnie, at that time, had the biggest shot out of all of them for something unique and good. He hadn't yet worked out the logistics of how to bridge the gap between the two, but it was a calling of his to help him along.

Donnie watched for people from behind a corner before creeping out to get the phone, which was face down on the concrete. No doubt cracked to all hell if not completely shattered, though it did have a case.

But as he got closer, he heard a voice. From the phone.

He picked up the phone timidly and shot a glance up at the roof, where Mikey was peeking over the edge in apprehension. Without a word, Donnie activated the taser in his staff, pointing it at his brother and zapping it briefly. He flinched and retreated out of sight.

"Hello?"

"Hello? Bo?" she asked again, tone riddled with confusion. "What was that?"

"Uh, yes—hol—hold on, please," stammered out donnie, flying around the corner and pressing flat against the wall as a group of laughing people passed by the alley. "Just one second," he said nervously. Above him, Mikey was rapidly motioning for him to get up there, eyes wide and body trying to stay low. Baffled, Donnie gestured back at him, mouthing at him to keep his pants on for one more minute while he made his way up.

"Hey, what's going on there?" she inquired, concerned.

A street cat abruptly skittered out from between his legs from the dumpster he stood next to, and he had to stifle a startled yelp. He hopped up onto the nearest fire escape, trying to control his breathing. "Hey, hello…[y/n]," he half-chuckled, distracted by working up the building one-armed as he kept as quiet as possible.

"What was all that? And who's 'Mikey'?"

There was suddenly a shout—Mikey's shout—and his stomach did a jump. He sputtered as fast as he could, "I'm sorry [y/n] but this really isn't a good time, and I mean it really isn't," he pulled himself up onto the roof, and there was Mikey, fending off men clad in black, "so I have to go, but—"

"Don, dude! I need help over here!" cried his brother, sliding out of the way as a sword was jabbed towards him. He countered with a harsh uppercut to the man's chin, sending him stumbling backwards. The blade fell to the concrete with a clank.

"'Don'? Bo, what the hell?! Who is with you? And—"

Donnie jumped into the battle, a mix of nine or ten armed men with swords other weapons, and Mikey trying to stave them off, swinging his chucks with nothing short of reckless abandon. But he still didn't hit himself with them.

Ending the call, he secured the phone in his pocket. He wailed the guy closest to him in the side of the head with the heavy staff, then kicked him in the chest. The man fell to the blow, and Mikey ducked underneath the length of Donnie's weapon just in time as the two came together. Stray bullets flew past them, some colliding with their shells as they spun around for protection.

"How was it?!" Mikey yelled over the clamor, breathless. Donnie sidestepped from the rapid hit he sent towards the human to his left.

"What are you talking about?!" Donnie loudly questioned, flummoxed of what could have been going on in his brain during a fight. "We're kind of in the middle of something here!"

"Your phone call!"

"Yeah, the hell's the talkin' about, Don?" a gruff voice cut through the jumble.

Both of the boys whirled around to see their older brothers there, weapons drawn.

"Oh, right. As soon as I saw those bad guys coming, I let them know," said Mikey casually to Donnie, throwing his fist into the face of the man coming up behind him. "You know, standard biz."

With the rest of the team there, the fight was over twice as fast. Some groaning in pain and some unconscious bodies littering the area, along with their weapons. Leo finished the last one and sheathed his swords, eyes on their tallest brother while Raph kept watch around them. Donnie swallowed as Leo approached him.

"Don, you said you were going out for scrap metal," Leo stated.

In the background, Mikey grabbed his skateboard and was going to try to kickflip over one of the knocked out guys, but Raph yanked the board from him, growling. He checked all of the men to make sure they were down and would stay down.

"We were...just on our way back?" Donnie answered. Nearby, there was a small pile of scrap he'd collected, though definitely not enough to justify being out that long.

"So you stopped at your friend's place?" Leo deadpanned, crossing his arms. "Didn't you think that this could get her in trouble, too? Her apartment's right there, dude!"

Mikey budded in and corrected him, "Ah, we stopped by [y/n]'s. And nah! It's all good."

Donnie's face twitched. "Of course I thought about it! That's why I've only come here three times since, and only thirty minute intervals!" he bit back, throwing his hands up. The rest of his brothers all looked at him and his specificity. "I'm not naive, Leo."

The leader pushed past the both of them, signalling that it was time to leave, and they followed. Not before Donnie got what little metal he had collected and put away his staff, tucking the stuff under his arm. Raph joined alongside Donnie as they ran. "What's with all the secret' stuff, Don? First, ya hide it to begin with, then, ya make out like you were done, and now you get jumped by Foot guys by her place when you shoulda been gettin' scrap!" he said. "How were we supposed to cover for ya if you're lyin' even after we let you off?"

"Technically, I did get some!" Donnie remarked. He held up a piece of the scrap for him to see, and Raph snorted. "But..."

Well, his question would be a little harder to answer.

Next block was the nearest manhole, where each turtle swiftly jumped in, knowing by heart (and years of wandering) most of the sewers and the way back home. In some tunnels was Mikey's telltale graffiti, but it was scattered throughout the place enough to not be a giant arrow to their hideout. In the last portion of the run was the tunnel they always slid down, and once they were actually home, Donnie knew what was coming. Master Splinter was already waiting for them by the time they arrived.

"Uh-oh," Mikey said upon seeing him, sinking behind his brothers. Raph pushed him back up front.

Dropping the scrap in his arms, Donnie squeaked, "That's not good." He quietly cursed how high pitched his voice became when he was nervous.

"Yeah…" Leo cleared his throat, looking down at his hands clasped in front of him. The situation had an awkward tension for everyone in it, save for Raph, who was immune to it by then and Splinter himself. "We took care of the soldiers," he added more seriously. "Got out of there before too much attention was drawn.

"The police may be able to handle them from here, but it will not make a dent in the Shredder's forces," explained Splinter, grave as he paced along the line of brothers. "He owns the city. Until I say so, there will be no venturing to the surface. You are all lucky to be unharmed."

"That ain't it," Raph piped up. "But they'll be bringin' the big guns, next time."

"Oh, I am well aware."

"Um...of which thing?" the nervous turtle questioned, exchanging glances to Raph and then Mikey.

Splinter raised his brows knowingly, and that was all it took for Donnie. The floodgates of his signature anxious chatter opened. He grabbed the edge of Mikey's shell and pulled him over into the spotlight with him, "I met someone over an online game and we started texting after a few weeks, and—and Leo found out and I said I would stop, but we never told you," he gestured toward their brother in blue, who refused to make eye contact, "so I told her that it was through and then Mikey somehow convinced me to go back on it," he sucked in a breath, and Mikey grinned uncomfortably, "and then we started talking again and I don't know why, but I went back there to her apartment building and it was just…stupid."

There was a cumbrous pause. Donnie was stiff as a board, Mikey couldn't look at any one thing too long, Leo stood in his polite but awkward stance, and Raph started to whistle.

As poised as ever, Splinter spoke. "I know."

All four pairs of eyes shot to their father.

"What?"

"Uh..."

"Huh?"

"Wait."

They expressed their collective confusion at the same time, and Splinter chuckled. Donnie wanted nothing more than to be able to retreat into his shell, but that was physically impossible. "Nothing gets past me, especially not you and your nervous habits, Donatello. You are scratching that spot on your neck again, son."

Flinching, Donnie pulled his hand away. He'd be damned; Splinter was right.

But unbeknownst to them, there had been spectator of their fight on the roof that night.

————————————————————————————————

shh do not think too deeply about this my children

a/n: haha plot device go brrrr

i need to finish this cursed fanfiction