#idk. i’ve never had a problem with this surgery before; they were super good with both kim and freddie

[hopevalley]

Season 8, Episode 11: Changing Times

Well, as it turns out, my second Covid vaccine kicked me down hard. After sleeping for quite a long time, though, I’m tired of sleeping and ready to try and get this write-up done.

Surprisingly, or...perhaps not so surprisingly, I don’t think I have that much to say about last night’s episode. I think we’re just too close to the finale for me to feel “safe” in guessing/hoping for anything in particular.

Let’s hit up the plot points like before:

The Triangle

Carson & Faith

Rosemary’s Purpose

School District Problems

Jesse’s Disappearance 

The Triangle

I’m probably one of the few people who liked Nathan who felt like the whole beginning scene was super weird and uncomfortable. Homegirl held his hand for one second in the last episode and now she’s going to warm his serge by the fire (while he just stands there awkwardly??? He could have done that himself while she got him some tea or something idk) and then dress him???

I think we’re meant to see that as her going back to...I don’t know...old habits die hard or something? But she was barely married for any time at all and it’s been three years since Jack died. No way would she be so far into those old habits that she’d fall back into them with Nathan lmao.

Like, it’d be a REALLY GOOD PLOT for a character who had been married for years and lost a spouse (cough Abigail cough) but considering the circumstances it felt like a cheesy fanfiction! I wanted to like it, but I just felt weird about it. Tonal whiplash out the wazoo.

Especially when we had to watch Lucas drive by and see Nathan’s horse at Elizabeth’s house. 

Lucas sadly watching Elizabeth talk to Nathan was also awkward, but at least it gave him the courage he needed to break things off with her.

You’d think I’d have a lot to say about the triangle, but I’m saving all of that for some kind of...post-season discussion. Who is she going to pick? Nathan seems like the most logical writing choice, but it could yet be Lucas. I genuinely don’t care who she chooses so long as she picks someone.

--

Carson & Faith

I like to hate on these two a lot, so you might be surprised to know that I’m enjoying their storyline. I’ve criticized this series over and over for never bothering to portray realistic relationships and one thing I can say about Faith and Carson this season is that things actually feel...plausible.

I also appreciate how they try to tie Carson into the town a bit more: he talks to Henry and Minnie and even Lucas trying to figure things out! It makes perfect sense to me; how do you choose between someone you care about/the potential life you could make with them, and a career that you’re really and truly passionate about?

This is the most interesting Carson has been since Season 5.

Anyway, the pudding scene was genuinely funny, and a great way to break up the stress that I’m sure we were all feeling about his impending proposal. Faith’s reaction to thinking he might propose was...pretty telling. I really wish they hadn’t saved so many dangling plotlines to solve in the final episode, though. I was hoping Faith and Carson’s storyline would be fully figured out in the penultimate episode so that we could let him go (or whatever) in the season finale. It just seems to me like it would be a good, smooth ending for them.

Also, for what it’s worth, they tried doing this kind of plot with Frank in Season 5, but it was rushed and pulled out of thin air; he’d never shown an inclination toward pastoring toward dying children in the past and it was clear that they just needed to write him off the show. With Carson, this sort of plotline works VERY well; he was a surgeon, and he was passionate about it, but that passion took a hit when his wife needed surgery and she died on the table under his hands. He’s had some time to move on from that and process his feelings, so it makes sense that he’d find that passion again. I just wanted to point this out because it’s interesting how well it works for Carson and how...well, not-well it worked with Frank. I really felt like with Frank, it was just a storyline that could have been given to anyone with the same success rate, whereas with Carson they took a look at the character and what we already know of him, and built the storyline specifically for him. That’s good writing, babes!

Anyway, Carson trying to propose in the vague hope that Faith will come with him, even knowing she doesn’t want to leave Hope Valley, is pretty manipulative and awful, but it really goes a long way toward making his character feel like an actual person. Like yeah, he does actually want the best of both worlds. Do you blame him?

--

Rosemary’s Purpose

I know a lot of people are really into this storyline but I found it boring. The only good part was when Lee called the other desk in his office “hers.” Everything else just felt like a bit too much to come to the conclusion that she should run a paper. We already had her “advice” column in the paper and it was...amusing while it lasted, but eh. I just don’t see good storylines coming for her from this angle, especially when they went the route of her finding out she wants to start the paper back up to share information with the town. Are we really going to trust Rosemary’s integrity when it comes to writing news stories, especially when MOST of the time the things she’ll be allowed to write about are, you know, who grew the biggest cabbage? It makes me dread the potential for Round Two of Nosy Rosie.

I dunno. I used to really like Rosemary but this season’s been pretty rough on her character. Good for you for wanting to find your passion career, but most of us work so that we can eat, not for a fun way to pass the time and stay busy. :/

--

School District Problems

Mr. Landis is right and Elizabeth is an idiot. Sure the school board is being assholes for no reason (as if they’d care if one blind child was sitting in a classroom in one western town lol), but Elizabeth’s really going to dismiss his concerns about how she can juggle the added work necessary to teach Angela while also keeping up with everyone else?

It sucks that Angela will get left out, but Elizabeth should be working with Mr. Landis to come up with a plan to teach Angela without sacrificing the education of her other students. Better yet, she could rely on her friends for advice. Like Rosemary.

Still no apology there...

Anyway, a projected 100 new kids? That’s outlandish. The only way that will happen is if they open a factory in Hope Valley, and even then it could take years. I MEAN, WHERE IS THE HOUSING GOING TO BE FOR ALL THE ADULTS THAT WOULD GIVE YOU A HUNDRED NEW STUDENTS LOL. I think we have to assume the plotlines are connected.

I also find it hard to believe the board would care about Elizabeth being certified to teach Angela. Where else is she going to get an education? It’s 1918 in the middle of almost nowhere???

This show drives me nuts with its attempt to be a “Frontier Show” while also shying away from the characters actually being stranded/cut off from society at large. You still had unlicensed teachers teaching in western towns in this time period because nobody cared!!!

ANYWAY, if Union City was like 3 miles away I could see them trying to combine schools. But it isn’t. So.

I dunno. I hate this plotline. I feel like they stole it from a better show (Road to Avonlea, where the bigger school was just a few miles away and it made sense to consider combining the schools for a better education system for the students as one-room schoolhouse teaching was proven to be less effective) but didn’t bother to consider any of the logistics of the storyline.

Maybe it’s my passion for education and history that makes me hate it, though. I know too much to find this storyline believable. I should also mention that I haven’t enjoyed Elizabeth’s role as teacher for a very long time. (I think they suck at writing Elizabeth as a teacher.)

I’m just not interested in wherever this is going to go because I can’t imagine it’ll have a lasting impact.

The only good thing I can say about the whole plotline is that I REALLY LIKED HOW BILL CAME OUT OF IT. I think he’s the only person who knows how to speak to Elizabeth. She struggles with blunt honesty at first, but ultimately tends to appreciate it, and that’s pretty much what she always gets with Bill. Also, the scene where he shuts her down didn’t make her look stupid, either (just worried/anxious), so I could appreciate it.

--

Jesse’s Disappearance

I couldn’t care less about this plotline if I tried. Jesse’s gone missing in the mountains before (was it last season? I don’t even remember because I didn’t give a damn about it then either) so this felt like a multi-reused plotline...for the same character, no less.

It’s also poorly implemented. Why doesn’t anyone else care about Jesse? Why is Clara pouring her heart out to Lee while her friends are failing to support her in the slightest? Why should any of us care when we know he’ll be fine?

It just feels so forced for the sake of drama, and it’s made 10x worse because there’s too much else going on at the same time.

Also, how convenient that they have to tell us how hard-working and dedicated Jesse is to his work to force this plot to even make sense... C’mon, he has never been a particularly dedicated to work. They just needed to explain why he would have left the car so that he could be “missing.”

Boring. I also don’t care that much about their “stolen” money.

The only good thing in all of this is seeing how soothing of a voice Lee actually has. 

--

The best parts of the episode:

Henry calling Florence “Flo” GOT ME. It was so surprisingly cute???

I love Bill, and he really came out of this episode looking great! Finally, it seems they’re done writing him as a grouchy old man who hates everyone! In this season (and particularly in this episode), he is allowed to be capable, smart, helpful, loyal, and in possession of a great deal of integrity. I couldn’t believe that guy tried to bribe the judge in town right off the bat lmao...but the way Bill handled it felt very in character—very reminiscent of him from S3 or 4. He never shuts things down immediately, preferring instead to get more information to use against his, erm...opponent. Should he need it, of course. I was really happy to see him written well in this episode.

HENRY’S LETTER FROM HIS SON. STARTS OFF WITH “DAD,” AND SAYS PS. I LOVE YOU AT THE BOTTOM. Good for Henry.

Fiona’s backstory! Finally, we get some FIONA LORE. Neat.

PUDDING HANDS CARSON. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #456

“i don’t even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger, & that feels so rough”

What was the longest time you’ve had the hiccups for? I know at LEAST over an hour. I was in agony. What type of TV shows are your favourite? Animal docs. Have you ever been a complete fangirl/fanboy over anything? Bitch I still am lmao. Do you know anyone who has died in battle? No. When was the last time you went on an adventure? Bro, I could NOT tell you. I haven't had one of those in what feels like eons. What brand is your vacuum cleaner? I actually don't know. I don't pay attention. Are you good at rapping? Never tried, but I'm sure I'd be awful. I stutter too much. Name one world issue that upsets you. Just ONE????????? Well, I can name homelessness as very high on the list. How do you feel about tanning? I hate it. I can't stand the heat, so why would I deliberately go bake in it? Have you ever given a public speech? Yeah, in front of the whole 4th and 5th grade when I was innnn... one of those grades, idr which. It was for my D.A.R.E. essay. Do you read comic books? No. Do you force your way into conversations in which you are not involved? NOOOOOOOOOOO I'm way too awkward. Kiss with your eyes open or closed? Bro who tf kisses with their eyes open, that shit is creepy. Do you believe you can change someone? No. One can only change themselves. How did you react when your first pet died? I have no memory of our first pet. Have you ever drawn anime? No. Can you use a pogo stick? When I was a kid, I became a MASTER. I got one for I want to say Christmas and I was obsessed. When’s the next time you’ll see the person that you like? Idk, first he needs to get on Facebook and see I messaged him alsdkfjalkdj. He like never gets on there. Do you like bathing/showering? No. One, it's a chore, and two, it's actually painful for me, standing up so long and propping my legs up and stuff like that to clean myself properly. Have you ever considered entering a race? HEEEEEEEEEEELL no. Rihanna or Lady Gaga? Probably Gaga, idk. Who was your first good kiss with? Jason. What accessory do you want in your bedroom? I actually kinda want a TV now? What do you take the most pictures of? Flowers. What are you always in the mood for? Lately, Krispy Kreme donuts, lol. I haven't had one in a very long time, but goddamn does a hot glazed donut sound BANGIN' right now and has for days. What is something that you never turn down? Hm... how am I blanking??? What is something that you always turn down when offered? Certain foods or drinks, like tea. Name something sexy about your significant other. I don't have one'a those. What is one of your hobbies that you refuse to give up? Um, idk. As interests work, I may move away from any hobby eventually. If you could be a professional in any sport what would it be? Dance. If you could be a professional at any instrument what would it be? Violin. Would you rather be a surgeon or mortician? A mortician. That job doesn't even seem all that bad to me? I think it'd be kinda chill somehow???? I could NEVER be a surgeon. I'd be terrified of fucking something up. Have you ever been on a subway? No. Are you in love? No. Do you like having your lip softly bitten when you’re kissing? *eyes emoji* Do you want to get married when you’re older? Yes. What was the last band shirt you wore? PROBABLY my Metallica shirt? But I'm unsure, ultimately. You can have a milkshake right now. What flavor do you choose? Ugh, I've been wanting a nice chocolate milkshake for a while. Have you ever given someone flowers? For Mother's Day one year, I collected some wildflowers to put in a jar for Mom. I've also given Jason roses before. I really wanted to give Sara some when I surprised her for her birthday, but I didn't want to ask her parents to drive me somewhere where I could buy her some, ha ha. What day of the week is usually your busiest day? None. My days are all the same. Do you have any concerts coming up? No, but UGH, I was so hyped a few days ago because I saw Motionless In White was going on tour next year, but of course they're going to the big city on the OTHER end of the state versus the capital, which I'm way closer to. -_- Bands ALWAYS choose Charlotte on the super rare occasion they come to NC... Do you like or hate the smell of fish? Ugh, I hate it. What’s your favorite brand of chips? Doritos, maybe? Between Mountain Dew and those... I am such a fucking gamer stereotype lmfao. Have you ever written a poem and then read it aloud? I think I had to before in school? Idr. Do you like pineapple? Love it. Does your house have a dishwasher? Yes. A dishwasher is one thing I MUST have in my own future house. I cannot stand touching dirty dishes. Do you know anyone who has a flower tattoo? Oh, absolutely. Sunflower tattoos are especially popular around here. How many different languages can you say goodbye in? English, German, and uhhh Spanish? Agree or disagree: You like Adam Sandler movies. I don't mind them. I've never understood the hate, honestly? I think he's capable of being funny. Have you ever had to get a tooth pulled? If so, what for? Only by myself when I was a kid losing my baby teeth. Have you ever dated anyone while they were in jail? Nooooo. If you’ve ever babysat, do you like it? Fuck no, I hate it. What is your favorite flavor on sunflower seeds? I don't like those. Do you get cold easily? No, but I get hot extremely easily. Do you get a lot of spiders in your house? I don't think so, no. Do you admire nature? I positively adore nature. If only we treated it better... Name one naughty thing you’ve done. Done sexual things in places I probably shouldn't have, oops. Name two of your favorite things as a child. Pokemon and Webkinz. Do you own a Pillow Pet? No. They're cute, though. My niece has one. Do you tend to solve problems with violence? Absolutely not. Have either of your parents gone to jail? No. Do you know a hoarder? Yes. Do you wax, pluck, or leave your eyebrows? I just leave 'em be, honestly. Do you have any interesting scar stories? Not really. Do you hate the texture of meatballs? No, I love me some meatballs. Do you get migraines? Very, very rarely. They fucking suck. Do you like guns? NOOOOOOO guns terrify me alsd;kjfal;sdjfk Are turtles amazing creatures? All animals are. :') How much time do you spend taking surveys? A whole lot. It's just that I'm like... always bored and the randomness of surveys can add interesting little flares to the day, I guess. Would you rather visit: The Eiffel Tower or Egyptian Pyramids? Pyramids, for sure. Would you like to work at a candy shop? No. I don't want to work directly with people. Do you have feelings for someone? It's funny; now that I've settled the extreme indecision, I've come to realize that they're very strong feelings. How you go from being indecisive to really, really liking somebody, hell if I know. Which one of your guy friends is the best looking? Uhhh Girt is like my only real guy friend, so I guess it's by default him, ha ha. I'm not particularly attracted to him, but he's not ugly by any means. Do you have anything to say to your ex bf/gf? I'm so sorry. Which band do you have the most of on your iPod/music player? Either Ozzy or Metallica. Most likely Ozzy, though. Which song describes your mood at the moment? Hm. I dunno. Which movie(s) do you quote the most? None, really. Which one of your best friend’s friends would you most likely date? None; we don't share irl friends, being many states apart, and not even that many online ones. Would you ever let anybody else drive your car? I don't have my own car. Which one of your friends will be the most successful? I'm not psychic. What store did you last shop at? Mom and I picked up a Wal-Mart order the other day. Do you think telepathy is real? Absolutely not. When did you last draw something for fun? A few days ago, I started a drawing of Maieykio for Sara. Who makes the most in your entire family? I have no idea. Do you like writing essays? I don't mind, if the topic interests me. Do you think plastic surgery is no big deal? Nah. Well, I think you can take it to an visual extreme, but that's just my opinion. Do what makes you comfortable in your own body. Do you take your trash to the dump or have it picked up? It's picked up. When you sneeze do you sneeze into your shirt or your hands? The inside of my elbow. Do you usually have sex in the morning, noon or night time? It usually happened at night. Did you ever fail your learners/drivers test? Haven't taken it yet. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne? OH MY GOD NEITHER Name someone you’ve become a lot closer to recently: No one, really? Well, unless you count my change of feelings for Girt, but it's just that: a type of change. I've loved him platonically since high school, and it's like, I feel the same for him, just in a romantic way now? Does your car have a sunroof? No. Are you closer to your mom or your dad? My mom. Have you ever had a friend with benefits? Nope, not how I roll. Who’s the last person you cuddled with? Sara. Unless you count my cat. Are you friends with any of your teachers on Facebook? Former teachers, yes. I feel kinda bad for 'em now... They're all the sweetest, God-fearing people, and then there's my outspoken (online) and liberal ass sharing shit that's gotta disappoint them now lmaoooo.

[geekkatsblog]

Grey's Anatomy Review 17x3

A truly emotional episode, also Where the heck was Dr Perez, I missed you come back.

___________________________________________

(Meredith Grey)

The belle of the ball for this episode, Meredith. Hasn't she been through enough? They were plenty of other doctors who haven't been tortured yet. But then again without her getting Covid we probably wouldn't have been treated to the Derek scene and possible cameos from other beloved characters. I loved every bit of the scenes on the beach even though I found myself wishing she would pass out some more so I could get even more Derek scenes, I mean you can't blame me they even played the MerDer song, but at the same time I was glad she couldn't get to him stay out of his arms Mer, you can't die no matter how much I want to witness a merder hug or kiss. It hurt my heart to see how broken everyone was, especially for Webber and Bailey who have both had to see her on the verge of death and pull her back from the brink of death way too many times. Ellis is adorable I hope she has many more scenes to come in future episodes and how cute is her nickname Ellie Belly. And she definitely did the right thing giving Webber her POA, he knows when to let go but will still fight like hell if he knows there's a chance of you living.

The scene with McWidow and her was adorable as well, my shipping levels for the two of them have gone up some more as well, but I did think it was too soon for him to be offering to be her POA if he wasn't just joking because I'll admit I wasn't sure if he was serious or not but after knowing her for such a short while not to mention his feelings that are beyond the friendly level for her, he would have done the extraordinary measures that Meredith wouldn't really want to try to save her. He's already invested.

The scenes with her and Richard were so wholesome he was the father she never had. He has loved and supported her from the beginning, their relationship is strong and one built on trust and hes right we do need Meredith Grey. The scene with Bailey was cute as well how she came to talk about changing her POA but switched to talking about her super risky surgery while practically on the verge of tears instead when she saw the previous conversation was making Meredith nervous.

Then there's Amelia and Maggie who have also been sitting on the edge of their seats praying for her to be alright. Wish I'd seen more scenes with the three sisters interacting a bit but the ones we did get were heartfelt and heartwarming.

On an unrelated note when she was trying to get to Derek but face planted into the sand instead was hilarious girl fell like a starfish.

___________________________________________

Tom Koracick

Not gonna lie for a good chunk of this episode I was started to dislike Tom. I love his character for some weird reason but at times his less than flattering attitude gets irritating, but then I realized that he has to be going through some stuff right now between the whole Teddy and Owen and him situation, the $100000 in booties incident and then he was fired from his job as chief of all chiefs. It's been a rough time for him and while that definitely does not excuse what he did to the new doctors it did make me a little more sympathetic to his rude attitude especially when he confessed to Richard that he didn't think he was a good teacher. And then the ultimate kick when you're down he received the news that he had Covid from literally the worst person they could have sent at that time.

Now don't get me wrong Koracick is a douche and all but he definitely is not going to get the same care that Meredith is getting, but Owen just told him to head home and stay there I know he's A symptomatic and all but even they can develop lung damage from Covid and he has no one there who really cares for him like that and will more than likely have to recover on his own without someone there to check up on him and he definitely doesn't have the same drive to live. Why can't he also have a hospital bed. Keep the same energy for everyone you're all on the same team at this point. When will everyone finally accept him into the club, this isn't the first time someone in that hospital has cheated.

Moving on to other things, I'm so excited to hear him say that he has to get over Teddy because he really does, especially because in the end Teddy is probably going to choose Owen, it's always Owen, but I'm not crossing my fingers about him staying away from her this time, because I've heard him say it before and now with him having Covid I think Teddy is going to be that one person who will visit him so she's not staying away from him anytime soon.

Might just be me but I'm sensing something might happen between him and the doctor that told him off earlier. Idk that's usually how most relationships on Grey's starts with the doctor offending the new comer but IDK.

___________________________________________

Owen

Is currently ignoring Teddy as he should be. She's just trying to talk to him as though nothing happened. The way he delivered that news to Koracick though could have been done better. I know he hates Tom right now but he could be a little more sympathetic he literally just told the man he has a life threatening disease and just said it like I know you have a flu that can kill you but go home and stay away from people, as though he has a common cold or a simple flu. This is someone who is a doctor who works with you saving lives in a pandemic and sure you don't have to like him but you do have to be on his team. Owen has cheated twice and yes this time it happened to him and yes he has a right to be pissed but have some compassion man.

___________________________________________

Teddy

Needs to stay away from Tom she only really attempted to talk to him after Owen gave her the cold shoulder, and she surely can't expect him to forget everything that happened so quickly and move on as though none of it ever happened. And like I said earlier she should let go of Tom and let him move on because at this point we all know she's going to pick Owen, it's always been Owen. I know I said at one point she should be with Tom but right now that feeling is gone I really don't think they're right for each other as much as I did before. And lastly I need her to figure herself out because she's treating the real MVP here and if she let's Anything happen to Meredith Grey after she survived the unimaginable she's going to have the whole hospital on her back and I will be mentally killing her as well because no boo not my Meredith.

___________________________________________

Richard Webber

Is now Meredith's POA and as I said earlier I couldn't agree more, hes the best person for the job. And I'm so happy for him being the chief of chiefs he seems genuinely happy again and I'm also happy that Koracick handed the job of training the doctors to him again because the man's right. Training the doctors is a gift and Richard surely has that gift. Enjoyed seeing him bring the doctors into the operating theater and giving the speech, it's been a while.

___________________________________________

Jo Wilson

Has really been having the work piled on her recently between Meredith having Covid and the mess of the pandemic itself she's been buried in work, and I'm so proud of her finally looking like a true grown attending in my eyes and she's doing great. The way she's been looking at babies of lately is adorable, I'm wondering which line they're intending to take her down with her new found love of babies. She doesn't have that much of a plot at the moment which is a good thing because at the moment having a plot includes having a positive Covid test.

___________________________________________

Bailey

Is seeing her last remaining duckling near death and is torn up about it. She sounded near tears when she was talking to her about the POA issue. She doesn't really have that much of a plot either which is especially good in her case because the Plot includes Covid and she actually has a preexisting heart problem so it would be very unlikely that it would work out in her favor. Watching her pride at seeing Richard doing his press conference was nice even though at first it seemed like she was a little upset about him being her boss again but she'll get over it.

___________________________________________

Deluca

Was seen way too little with Meredith in this episode they even gave Mcwidow time with her Deluca was only there for work which I found ridiculous, yes he had that one scene where he was grilling Teddy but that's not enough. That love triangle between him Mcwidow and Meredith is being formed as we speak. On another note I'm so glad to see him back to work again and healthy again and he's an attending I might have missed it but does he have a specialty because I've been trying to pinpoint it and I can't is it cardio? I guess I'll figure it out eventually.

___________________________________________

Maggie

Is understandably panicking she can't be Meredith's doctor because not only is she her sister but she is way too involved. When she asked Teddy of she was alright enough to work Meredith's case broke me. The pain in her voice and face, she feels so much and has been crying the whole episode, Thank God for Winston, he's been an anchor for her. I can't wait until they're able to be with each other physically instead of just talking on the screen. I wish them the best of luck.

___________________________________________

Jackson

Carrying on the work and teachings of Mark Sloan, and just existing really no plot at the moment as it has been for a while, and we weren't even blessed with Harriet this time but there was Ellis so I'll allow it.

___________________________________________

Link

Being a good boyfriend and father as usual. Hes so sweet, thoughtful and caring.

He also does not have a plot other than being a kickass partner and father and he better not have a plot any time soon either.

Amelia

Currently is just being a great mother and aunt with jo other plots which I am also happy for because it means neither of my babies are in the Covid plot circle so far, they're safe for now. Amelia seems so happy. I'm glad for her hope her joy can continue but knowing Grey's it probably isn't going to last for too much longer.

[the-blind-assassin-12]

no one asked but here we are:

i am procrastinating my ass off today and i saw this on @something-tofightfor ‘s page and thought “OH LOOK A NEW WAY TO PROCRASTINATE MY ASS OFF!” So here’s some useless information about me: 

1. Do you put ketchup on hotdogs?

Yes. Alllll the toppings. Onions, relish, mustard, mayo and ketchup. 

2. Choice of soda?

I don’t really like soda because I don’t love sweet beverages. Ginger Ale, I guess, if I had to pick. 

3. Do you put salt on watermelon?

So I never knew this was a thing until I worked at a fancy schmancy place where there was a fancy schmancy watermelon cocktail that was finished with a wedge of watermelon that had been sprinkled with kosher salt. And it was fine but seemed unnecessary. So that was my long winded way of saying: not on purpose. 

4. Can you swim?

I can. I had a small above ground pool in my backyard growing up and I was in it ALL the time. I also took lessons and grew up only a few miles from the ocean, so learning to swim with currents was part of my childhood. 

5. Hot dogs or burgers?

Toss up. Gimme one of each at a cookout.   

6. Favorite type of food?  

Tacos. All kinds. Any kinds. 

7. Do you believe in ghosts?

I do. But I’m not afraid of them. 

8. What do you drink in the morning?  

Coffee, black with a little drizzle of honey. 

9. Can you do 100 push-ups?

The most I ever did at once was 40 (not the kind some asshats call “girl pushups”- we don’t have time for why I hate that- with your knees on the floor, but with my legs all the way extended) but I could certainly get to 100 if I had a few weeks to build up to it. I couldn’t do more than 12 a few years ago. 

10. Summer, Fall, Winter or Spring?

Fall and Spring over Summer and Winter. But Winter is last. 

11. Your favorite animal?  

Giraffes. I got to feed one once and it was one of the best days of my life. 

12. Tattoos?

I have one - the number 26.2 on my right foot. I got it after I ran my first and only full marathon (marathons are 26.2 miles). I have plans for more but there are other things I need/ want to save my money for before I can spend on ink. 

13. Do you wear glasses?

I sure do. I have thick coke bottle glasses and without them the world is just a bunch of formless blobs of color and light and shadow. 

14. Do you have a fear?

I have a very irrational fear of something happening to someone I care about while they’re driving. If it takes someone longer than expected to get somewhere I start to panic until I hear from them. It’s a problem. 

I used to be afraid of clowns and I still certainly do not like them, but now I know how to choke people so... they can come at me I guess. 

15. Do you have a nickname?

Most people call me Lyss. A few family members call me Lissie. My sister calls me Sissie because she had trouble with L’s as a small child and couldn’t say Lissie, not because it’s a cute form of sister. One of my very good friends from college calls me Fro-ho Baggins because of my giant ass hair. 

16. Can you change a tire?

I’ve done it once and I dented the wheel well. After that time I always ask for help. I *could* do it...but I don’t wanna fuck up my car. 

17. Favorite flower?

Daisies. 

18. Can you drive a stick?

No, but I want to learn. I always wanted to know that in an emergency I could drive any vehicle I needed to. But that’s not true currently. I know that soon they will probably do away with manual transition altogether but I still wouldn’t pass up the chance to learn. 

19. Ever gone sky diving?

No but I really want to! Fun fact- the head instructor at my gym has done like over 100 solo jumps. 

20. Kids?

Nope. 

21. Favorite color?

Green. All kinds of greens. 

22. Can you whistle?

Yeah, like, really well. 

23. Where were you born?

New Jersey

24. Surgeries?

I had major surgery on my right foot in 2018. I had an accessory navicular bone, which is the roundish kind of bump bone on the inside of your foot, right under your ankle. I had a second one growing on top of the existing one, and it was pulling the tendons in my calf and foot in the wrong direction. It caused my arch to completely collapse and it got to the point where it was excruciatingly painful to even walk. So they removed the extra bone, cut my heel away from my foot, moved everything back into place, took out about a foot of diseased tendon, and then screwed everything in place with one LONG screw through my heel and into my foot, and one small threaded anchor holding the good tendons to the spot where they’re supposed to go. I was in a cast for...I think it was 8 weeks total, and then a walking boot for about a month after that, and then another two months of PT. 

25. Shower or bath?

Shower. Baths bother me. I know they’re supposed to feel relaxing but I can’t help feeling grossed. Maybe if I had like a super nice jacuzzi tub with like jets and enough space to really lounge and stretch it would feel better, but i’d prefer a shower anytime. 

26. Last song you heard?

Papillion by The Airborne Toxic Event is playing right now. Does that count? 

27. How many TV’s in your home?

One.

28. Worst pain?

When the nerve block wore off the second day after the aforementioned surgery. I was so out of it for the first like 20 hours that I was home that I really couldn’t feel a thing, but then all at once it was there and it was awful. I have a VERY high pain tolerance and I was just in tears. 

29. Do you like to sing?

I do! I’m not very good but I do not give a single shit. 

30. Are your parents still alive?

My father is. My mom passed away 9 years ago. 

31. Do you like to go Camping?

I LOVE CAMPING. I want to camp every state. And I want to do a Canadian camping adventure sooooo badly. 

32. What do you binge watch?

So, binge watching is the only way I watch anything anymore. So...everything I watch I watch all in one go. Most recent binge of something new (to me) and not something I’ve seen a million times was Hanna on Amazon Prime and I frickin loved it and I love Erik and I’m not okay. 

33. Pumpkin or pecan?

Neither. Sweet Potato, not pumpkin (a new development) and Pistachio not Pecan. Replace the pecans with pistachios and voila. 

34. A photo of yourself.

Ew. Okay, fine, but I look like absolute garbage right now so you’re getting one from like... two months ago: 

Idk why I feel the need to stick my tongue out in so many pictures. Gosh I can’t take me anywhere.

[sageblogsthings]

Do you have any tips on how to write characters with scoliosis in a respectful/accurate way?

Thank you so much for asking! I smiled like an idiot when I saw this ask. :) Let me preface this by saying that scoliosis can vary a lot from person to person depending on the severity of curvature, location of curvature, treatment methods, etc. So I think that, as with anything really, getting a wide range of viewpoints and voices on the issue will make it easier to write! Honestly just scrolling through the scoliosis tag on tumblr will give you a good sense of what it’s like for some people too. With that being said, I’ll talk a bit about my experience, and how I wish that characters with scoliosis were portrayed. Just know that my answer is far from universal amongst those with scoliosis. Also, medical treatment where I live is pretty shitty so I may have some other undiagnosed stuff that I’m attributing to scoliosis who knows lol. And I’m still learning a lot about it myself! Ok, with that caveat out of the way, here we go!

I’m gonna put a tw here for discussions of scoliosis, chronic pain, anxiety, and depression

Also, for those who don’t wanna read about my experiences with scoliosis, if you scroll down there’s 13 tips on how to write characters with scoliosis (a lot of these tips apply to chronic pain in general tho). :)

To talk about my own experience a bit, I was first diagnosed with scoliosis when I was about 10 or so. When I was first diagnosed they told me it was minor and just to watch my posture. Scoliosis runs in my family but for most of my family members it’s pretty mild so I didn’t worry about it and went on my merry way. In hindsight, not the best way to deal with that but ah well.

Flash-forward to college. I had been having back pain and headaches for awhile, but I just figured it was studying for prolonged periods of time, carrying a heavy backpack frequently, and not watching my posture when I studied. I never connected it to scoliosis because I hadn’t had a check-up since that first diagnosis. Again, not the best idea but life happens.

I just finished my junior year in college, and I have had almost non-stop doctors appointments all year. It started after I had some sharp pain in my lower back, and got x-rays to see what was going on. Several doctors appointments and an ER visit later I find out that my scoliosis has gotten significantly worse, and that I have a fractured L5 as well. One thing I don’t see mentioned a lot with scoliosis is that it significantly weakens your spine (usually lower) because your weight distribution is thrown off. I had a job that involved some pretty heavy lifting, and voila fractured L5. 13/10 would not recommend btw.

My curvature (I can’t get consistent answers from doctors) is somewhere in the 20′s in my lumbar region and in the upper 20′s/lower 30′s in my thoracic region. At least with the neurosurgeons I’ve spoken to, they don’t consider you a candidate for surgery until the upper thirties or forties, unless you have significant neurophysiological symptoms. Treatment options vary widely depending on where you live, what you can afford, and what your doctor will give you a referral for, but most doctors will recommend physical therapy off the bat. To my knowledge, most doctors do not recommend bracing anymore, though I think in children that might be different (not so sure on that). So currently, I am waiting on an appointment with a pain management specialist and will go from there. 

Even though the curvature in my spine is relatively minor, I still experience significant symptoms. Some of these symptoms include sciatica, pinched nerves in my arms, legs, and back, muscle spasms in my upper back and neck, swelling of my hands and feet, and numbness or pain in my hands and wrists. Also, because my spine curves more in the upper portion of my back, my left lung cannot expand as much as my right lung. This isn’t always a problem, but I get shortness of breath pretty easily, and any respiratory infections make it super hard to breathe properly (pneumonia sucks a butt). There’s also the obvious bit of scoliosis where I stand a little crooked. Another thing I think that not a lot of people know is that how “lopsided” you are can vary from day to day. This doesn’t mean that the curvature is changing day-to-day, but the muscles may be more relaxed or tightened on some days.

So that’s my experience pretty much (bless you if you read all that!). But, to show an example on the opposite end of the spectrum, my friend had (I think) a 30 degree curvature in the thoracic region and 50 degree curvature in the lumbar. He had immediate corrective surgery (I’m not sure exactly what kind) and now aside from the scar on his back and that he looks like a table when he bends over (his words lol i’m not being mean) you would never know. And even weirder, he had no significant symptoms before his surgery aside from occasional sciatica. So your symptoms don’t necessarily depend on the degree of curvature, where the curve is located has a lot to do with it. Typically, more curvature in the upper spine is more painful but that’s by no means always the case.

Ok, so how in the heck does this all apply to writing characters? I promise it does, I’m not just rambling (well, maybe haha).

13 Things to Consider When Writing Characters With Scoliosis:

Their symptoms may vary from day to day. This may mean that some days they can do activities like running or baseball, and other days they can barely type or walk without pain.

They may have no, mild, or severe symptoms, depending on the location and severity of curvature, and other factors.

What is medical care like where they live? Dealing with doctors, neurosurgeons, physical therapists, etc. is just a part of having scoliosis, and very often an incredibly draining aspect. This is especially true if you have anxiety or other factors that make going to the doctor even more unpleasant.

Were they misinformed about scoliosis? Unless you go to someone who specializes in scoliosis treatment, you’re probably gonna get inaccurate information about something. For example, I was told constantly as a kid to watch my posture. Yes, this can have an impact, but more and more research is showing that scoliosis in many cases is influenced more by hormones (especially in teenage years) than posture. There’s also more egregious examples of this, such as a neurosurgery PA who recently told me not to ever use CBD to alleviate pain because it’s a “gateway drug.” This is literally impossible. So for writing, this could translate into frustration or even anger for your character. But it could also make for some funny situations later! I wrote down everything that crazy PA told me and it still makes me laugh from time to time.

Don’t give them a back-breaking job. It will literally break their back lol. I’m not saying they can’t be active, but if someone is impacted by scoliosis on a daily basis they probably aren’t working as a professional wrestler. Or maybe they are, and your story is trying to explain how that works lol

What do they do to manage the pain (if they have it)? For me, the symptoms are typically inflammatory in nature so things like ice, heat, turmeric tea, and anti-inflammatory medications help relieve the symptoms. This is one of those things where getting other viewpoints is good though too!

Is their spine visibly crooked? If so, are they self-conscious about it? This varies a loooot, and may even vary with symptoms. For example, maybe some days when the pain isn’t bad they wear a cute dress that shows their shoulder-blades. But then when the pain is bad, they just want to look like a hobo. I say this from experience lol.

Have people treated them differently because of it (positively or negatively)? Some people may experience bullying if their scoliosis is more visible, especially as a child. They may also be treated differently by adults, who are trying to look out for them, but nevertheless it still makes them stand out from other kids.

Do they make jokes about it? For example, I can be found frequently saying “my spine said yeet!” or “straight spine? idk her” or my personal favorite “my spine is about as straight as I am.” Scoliosis sucks, but living with it you learn to find humor in it too.

Are they going to get surgery for it? I can’t speak on this part since I haven’t had surgery, but I would imagine that there is a psychological aspect to this that you would want to mention for your character, as well as any logistical aspects like finances, dealing with trash insurance companies, etc.

How does scoliosis impact their mental health? This is one of my pet peeves, and it’s entirely founded in a lack of resources and education, so I’m not aiming this at anyone specifically. But scoliosis does impact your mental health, especially if you have pre-existing conditions like anxiety or depression already. It can be incredibly depressing to want to do something as simple as going for a walk, but you’re in too much pain. It can also really impact anxiety. For example, when I found out about my curvature change in college I had one of the biggest anxiety attacks I’ve ever had. There is also the added issue of not being able to breathe properly at times, which can make a panic/anxiety attack much worse (in intensity or duration). Of course, mental health issues can also be exacerbated by the environment you’re in, so that is definitely something to consider for your character.

What was their diagnosis like? What factors impacted their ability to get a diagnosis? Lack of adequate medical care or having crappy insurance is a huge problem, and it makes it really hard or even impossible for some people to get a diagnosis. And for most neurosurgeons or specialized treatment facilities you have to have that diagnosis and referral for them to be able to do anything. There may also be aspects of your character’s home life that prevents them from getting a diagnosis. Do their parents think they’re faking it, or that they just need to sit up straight? Is your character trans, and/or wears baggy clothing? I’ve heard several stories of undiagnosed cases because of this, so it’s something to consider.

Ok, I think this is the last thing (huge huge thank you to anyone still reading this!!). But please, if you’re writing a character with scoliosis, or any chronic issue/disability for that matter, avoid the trope of you’re still beautiful to me/you’re beautiful anyways/I don’t see your disability. Some people might not get what I’m saying here, so let me explain a little. If you have a character with significant scoliosis, to the point it impacts their daily life, and they meet another character (potential friend, love interest, whatever) and this new person grows to love them in spite of their scoliosis/disability, that is a huge red flag. It implies that they are seeing them through a lens of not having the disability, and they love that version of your character. But that is not your character in reality, because your character in reality has a very real disability. In general, just try to avoid the “I don’t see __,” in writing and real life. That could be applied to a disability, or the character’s race, sexuality, etc. In all cases, it dismisses a fundamental part of who that character is, and what experiences have shaped them into who they are. If your character has scoliosis and it has shaped who they are, it is important for other characters to recognize that as well, otherwise they aren’t really seeing that character in their “full glory,” if that makes sense. I’m rambling a bit at this point and I’m sure there’s other posts that make this point better than I have, but the takeaway is just please don’t write scoliosis as “you’re beautiful anyways.” Scoliosis or no scoliosis, it’s just “you’re beautiful.” Full stop. But part of how your character may come to recognize that beauty within themselves, or how others see it within them, may be influenced by their experiences with scoliosis.

Phew, I did not expect that to get so long but it’s a topic I’m passionate about and I haven’t seen information on scoliosis geared towards writers before, so hopefully this will help! Again, a lot of this is based on my own experiences so please do not take any of this as a universal guide to scoliosis, it definitely isn’t. And if I’ve said anything that people disagree with (or even agree with!) or have questions about, I am always open to polite discourse and discussion. :)

I hope that this answered your question some, and if not feel free to let me know! Thank you so much for asking this!

[nattikay]

.

Just trying to sort out some thoughts, came here cuz not sure where else to do it. Might delete later.

So we’ve had Maisie for almost a week now an honestly, it’s...caused me a lot more stress than I’d expected it to. Don’t get me wrong, I like her, and I don’t plan to give her back to the shelter or anything, good gracious, no--but tbh I feel a little guilty for not being ~euphoric~ over the whole scenario, and I’m just trying to work out why.

Don’t worry she is being well taken care of! This is an emotional issue, not an ability-to-care-for issue.

I think some of it may have its roots in our old cat, Harry Pawter. We got Harry when I was around 9 years old and I loved him. However, being a child when we got him, I was never really super good at taking care of him; most of the animal care wound up falling on my parents. 

Harry, for the most part, was a pretty good cat most of his life, but he started developing health problems around his last two years or so. By this point I was in high school, and for all intents and purposes should’ve been old enough and responsible enough to step in and help take proper care of him. But by that point, I hadn’t really formed those habits and...I never really did. Not as much as I should have. And looking back...tbh I feel really bad about it, and wonder if I didn’t love him as much as I should have, or as much as I thought I did. My dad would certainly imply at much when he got frustrated with the cat, and that...kinda sunk its way into my brain, I guess.

I’ve mentioned before that we lost Harry my freshman year of college, my very first semester. But I haven’t told the whole story, because well...I feel really bad about it. But maybe it’ll be good to get it off my chest.

See, Harry’s health had been declining for a while at that point (he was now 9 years old btw). He was struggling to keep himself clean and having more and more accidents outside the litterbox. My dad took him to the vet, and the vet suspected he may have had a brain tumor. All this was happening recently after I started my first semester of college, so I wasn’t home at the time, only getting this info via phone calls. 

My dad didn’t want to pay for expensive tests and surgeries for a cat, so was considering putting him down. I was obviously not in favor of that idea, so we decided that we’d wait until I came home for Christmas and then discuss what to do about the Harry situation.

But we never got the chance. Around November, there was some sort of leak under the fridge or something (I don’t remember the details; again I wasn’t home at the time) and we had to get a lot of work done in there to fix it, which included having all the tiles completely removed and huge fans placed in the kitchen to blow away the ensuing dust. In order to keep Harry out of the way of the construction, we wound up regulating him to the screened-in back patio (and for further context: Harry had always been an indoor-only cat, and never showed much interest in going outside). Needless to say, on top of his health concerns, this construction and jarring change in environment was probably really stressful for him. One day, he found his way out of the patio...and never came back. 

We...don’t really know for sure what happened to him after that. I like to say that he passed away rather than ran away, partly because he didn’t really have great survival skills and between that and his already-present health issues, well...I don’t think he would’ve survived long as a stray, and I prefer to imagine that his suffering ended as quickly and painlessly as possible. Even if he did manage to survive for a while then, he’s almost certainly gone now, given that he’d be nearly 15 by this point...but I digress.

All that said...idk, I guess I never really got any proper closure with Harry. And the more I learn about how to properly care for a cat, especially doing all the research I’ve been doing for Maisie...well, the worse I feel for him.

It’s not that we were bad owners, per se, and we certainly weren’t malicious in any way...but man, we could’ve done so much better. Harry was definitely overfed and undergroomed and we didn’t really know how to deal with his issues later in life...again, we weren’t malicious, but I think we were ignorant. I can’t really blame myself in the early years given that I was a literal child but by the time I reached high school and the like...idk I just feel like I could have and should have done so much better. I wonder how many issues could’ve been resolved if we’d been more attentive, more vigilant. Had been willing to put in more effort than just “meh fill up his food bowl twice a day and have Dad change the litter once in a while”.

And with all that considered, well...let’s just say I have doubts as to my prowess as a cat guardian. I want to make sure what went wrong with Harry goes right with Maisie and I just...idk. It’s just been a lot more emotional pressure than I expected it to be, even more so considering I haven’t yet quite formed the emotional bond with Maisie that I felt with Harry (not that I necessarily should have expected to at this point, given that we’ve only had Maisie for less than a week whereas we had Harry for nine years). But still.

And I mean, it’s not like taking care of Maisie has been difficult from an objective standpoint. It boils down to just feeding her (and making sure it’s the right amount of food), cleaning her litterbox, and playing with her, all of which are pretty simple and straightforward (well actually trying to figure out the right amount of food for her age and size has been a bit of a chore but I digress). 

Again, it’s not the tasks themselves that are an issue...it’s, I guess, the emotional baggage, or something. Knowing that as my cat the responsibility rests squarely on my shoulders (as opposed to having Harry where my parents took up most of the tasks) probably contributes as well.

Probably doesn’t help that this was a rather sudden development as well. It was only a week ago that we even seriously entertained the possibility of getting a new cat, and now here we are. It all happened so fast, it...almost doesn’t seem real.

Then again, not much has been feeling “real” to me lately. But that’s a separate issue and one for my therapist. :P

I also, despite all objective evidence to the contrary, feel almost like I’m being a burden my bringing Maisie into the house. I know that I shouldn’t...it wasn’t even my idea. My brother made the suggestion, my mom endorsed it, my dad ultimately agreed. The whole family seems to like her, even my dad who is by far the least of a cat-person out of all of us has pet her and talked soft to her (I expected him to mostly ignore her).

But...well, ok, another (shorter) storytime. My parents, while they don’t dislike pets, have had enough of them to last their lives, especially after Harry’s troubled final years, which we kids (regrettably) did not do much to help with despite being older by then. About a year or two after we lost Harry, a family in our church was giving away a bunny for adoption after their two dogs didn’t take well to it. My sister, who has always loved bunnies, begged and begged and begged to adopt it, and after promising and promising to take care of it, my parents finally relented. Alas, the bunny did not wind up being as friendly and cuddly as my sister expected, and after a few weeks she lost interest in it, leaving the bulk of the care responsibilities to our youngest brother (who, to his credit, did pretty well...honestly he’s just pretty good with animals in general, of all types...dogs are his top preference but he’ll happily work with just about anything). Not long later, the poor bunny injured itself, and upon doing some research my parents found that bunnies rarely heal properly from that type of injury (I forget what it was exactly, again I was away in college at the time so don’t recall all the details) and that the most humane option was to put it down. We only had that bunny for a few months.

After that, my dad was (understandably) hesitant to bring another pet into the house, however hard we promise to care for it, cuz last time he relented he got burned and a poor bunny had to suffer. When he agreed to let us get a new cat, he included the (reasonable) stipulation that if it ever seems like we’re not taking proper care of kitty, he’s allowed to make the call to give her up back to the shelter.

Now, I have absolutely zero intentions of pulling a sister-and-the-bunny on Maisie, and I very much plan to take as good care of her as possible. But...you can see how there’s some emotional pressure there, yeah? ^^; 

I feel like I have to be an absolutely flawless owner else I’ve let everyone down and proven that my promises to care for her were just talk. I’m afraid people will get mad at Maisie for doing Cat Things and I’ll take the fall and it’ll be assumed I’m not taking proper care of her because I can’t train her well enough. I’m afraid any inconvenience that naturally comes from owning and animal will by default get pinned on me, that I’ll be at fault because I’m the one who technically owns her, I brought her into the house, were it not for me we wouldn’t be dealing with Animal Inconvenience. 

And yes I know that’s irrational...I know my brain is exaggerating and none of them really expect an 8 month old kitten to have flawless behavior or blame me for it and as long as I’m keeping her happy and healthy it’s fine...and yet...

I don't know.

Pressure, I guess. A big life change that happened pretty suddenly and it’s gonna take a little while for it to become the new normal...I’ve just gotta hang on until it does, I guess...

anyways...

R.I.P. Harry Pawter, 2005-2014

(last picture we ever got of him)

Maisie, I will do my best ;_;

(first picture I ever got of her...which, I am just now realizing, is similar to the last pic of Harry ;n;)

[livelovelaug-h]

Arguments and illnesses part I

Dr. Cox x reader 

Words- idk around 1000

A/n: the bold lines are jds thinking.

~~~~~~

Now -

"You think you have a tumor?" Jd asks.

"I don't know I know something's wrong I need you to run some tests for me but please just keep this between us." 

"...Of course."

96 hours ago -

You never really know what the day will bring for a relationship. something good? Something bad ? What are you going to argue about this time?

The new interns were coming today and you were nervous because you never know how they're going to treat you. 

"Hello gang I'm dr. Y/l/n and we're going to jump right into some of the questions. Can anyone tell me why someone would need there stomach pumped?" Five of them raised their hands not bad. 

"Yes. . Dr. Cory" 

"if you've swallowed a poisonous material, if you've had too much alcohol or swallowed large amounts of medication."

"Right on."  before you got the next question out Dr. Cox came in with his group of interns. He asked a question and some girl was right in his space touching him while answering the question. Why does she need to be that close ? And why does she need to touch him? What a slut. 

He better not enjoy it. 

~~~ later at lunch

Dr. Cox and you sat across from each other. 

"So how are your interns?" You ask. 

"Ah you know, annoying and incredibly needy. Yours?" 

"Pretty hard working. You seemed pretty close-" 

"Hey Dr. Cox I was wondering if you could help me with intubating?" You licked your lips and raised your eyebrows, waiting for him to answer. 

"....  I'm eating lunch. Out. now."

 "Okay see you later." She says half sexy. 

"You two seem pretty chill." 

"Oh my god. Are you jealous?" He asked.

"Of course not!" 

"Well trust me she's got nothing on you." 

"I'm listening." 

"You're hot." 

"Thank you " 

"No problem now why aren't you eating?" 

"I don't know im just not that hungry today. I'm a little nauseous." 

"Oh no you don't think you're-"

"No no no. I mean I shouldn't be. I'll check later but I think it's just from working a lot." right after you said that your pager went off. 

"Got to go, love you." 

~~~~~ 

God your head was starting to hurt real bad. 

~~~

"Hey y/n." Jd says. 

"Hey what's up?" 

"Nothing much I was just wondering if you wanted to go out for some drinks later with Turk, me, and, Carla?" 

"Um I don't think I can tonight I have this really bad headache that's lasted me for hours." 

"Oh okay. Hope you feel better." 

"Thank you." 

~~~~

You got home way before Perry did. You were waiting up for him but you totally failed that. You didn't know why you were so tired and nauseous. It wasn't your period, you weren't getting that for another 19 days. Maybe you were pregnant. 

~

"Good morning sleepy head." Perry said to you. 

"Good morning. I'm sorry I didn't say up last night I was sooo tired." 

"it's all good." He gave you a passionate kiss to assure you it was okay. 

"Wanna go take a take a shower?" He raises his eyebrows up and down. 

You laugh " haha lets go." 

---

"Hey Elliot do you know where they keep the pregnancy test ?" 

"OMG you're pregnant? That's great !! " 

"No no no shh keep it down, I don't think I am I'm just making sure "

"Yay but you still might be. I'll go get you one." 

"Thank you." 

~~

As you stood waiting for the results you couldn't stop thinking of the What ifs. What if dr. Cox didn't want a baby. What if you really were pregnant. How would you have the time for that. What if you didn't want a baby and Dr. Cox did. so many things to think about but you were just going to wait so you didn't drive yourself crazy in only three minutes. 

You are leaning against the wall, across from the pregnancy test that was on a piece of toilet paper by the sink. It was three mins so you started walking towards the test when you felt like you were going to throw up, so you ran to the stall and emptied your stomach. 

"I guess that answers that?" You said flushing and walking over to the test. 

You thought for sure it would say that you were pregnant but you almost missed that it didn't say that. 

"Wait what?... I guess I'm just getting sick then."  

"Hey are you alright? you don't look so good." Jd says when you walk out of the bathroom. 

"Well thank you. And I'm fine." 

Later that same day on top of being nauseous and vomiting, you got your headache back. You got dizzy but you figured it was because you weren't eating. 

~~~ the next day 61 hours

*Okay I need you to run a CT on Mr. Hooks to see if he has a liver Mass."

"Umm we already did that this morning." Jd said. 

"Oh.. yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry I was just super swamped this morning that's all." 

"Yeah, yeah I understand." But he was still worried tho. 

Some people don't like to admit that they're sick even when the signs are jumping out at them….

--

"Hey Turk how are you?" You asked him.

"I've been in surgery all morning so you know how dat be, but what's up?"

"oh nothing I just wanted to ask a question about a patient."

"oh sure what's up?"

"well she's been throwing up but she's not pregnant, she already took a test and she's been dizzy and not hungry also throwing up and forgetting things. I just wanted your second opinion on what it might be?"

"could be a few things but I would say brain tumor."

"oh."

Because they're not ready for the bad news.

"you all right?"

"yeah... great thank you."

They're not ready for the new journey thats awaits them.

Now-

"You think you have a tumor?" Jd asks me.

"I don't know I know something's wrong I need you to run some tests for me but please just keep this between us." 

"okay.. wait really you don't want Dr. Cox to Know?" 

"Oh no, especially not him. Can I trust you?" 

"...Yeah… you can. but don't you think he's going to be mad if he finds out?" 

"No because it could be nothing. But thank you so much. I owe you one." 

"Uh sure, do you want to do it later tonight?"

"sounds great thank you j.d." she says kissing my cheek.

And sometimes people don't tell others about there possible sickness which can end in a big downfall. 

[bigskydreaming]

In the best (personal) news I have had in oh, over a year, FINALLY got the results of the MRI back and it is NOT a tumor lurking in my nonexistent jaw joint area and causing all my Issues, as my doctor was worried about from the latest CT scans. Which, like. Yeah. I don’t really have the words for how grateful I am to hear that because like, hahahaha I was getting super tired of my rock bottoms introducing themselves to new rock bottoms, you know???

So I am currently buzzing and high on that news, life in general, and y’know, sleep deprivation, cuz ngl, it was definitely not fun hearing I should know by Monday whether or not like, I have cancer, only for that to be dragged out until freaking Friday. Hahaha what is sleep, I have had like, five hours all week maybe? Needless to say I am super behind again on work, rent, insurance and all that fun stuff BUT as long as I can say “but I don’t have cancer!” at the end of each of those things, like....yeah I’m gonna milk the fuck out of that qualifier for energy, as long as I possibly can lololol.

Did talk to my insurance ppl today though and I’ve got at least until Tuesday to pay my premiums, so got a couple more days of breathing room there. Can’t get it extended past that though because my doctor’s already gonna be calling in preauthorization requests for like, the actual surgery and stuff as early as Monday and I reeeeeally don’t want ‘okay but this dude hasn’t even paid up yet’ being a factor at all in whether or not they approve my 25K surgery.

Fingers crossed that my good luck continues to hold, as there’s a possibility this might all get dealt with once and for all, a lot sooner than I’d hoped for?? Like, cuz of the MRI she was able to get a clear view of exactly what the problem is, the inflammation around the joint and actual erosion of the bone, etc, which cut out a lot of the other steps we were preparing to take to isolate the exact issue before moving forward. It also apparently lit a hell of a fire under their asses cuz they were able to see not just that the joint is totally wrecked (which we’ve known for like, nine months now, wasn’t news), but just how badly eroded my jawbone is at like....the other point of the jaw that holds it at least somewhat connected to my skull still even though the joint itself is nonexistent? Idk not explaining that right because again, sleep deprived like whoa. 

ANYWAY. Point is my doctor was like, so basically because of the constant damage being done in that area every time you open your mouth at all, you’re fracturing it further and its only hanging on by the barest sliver at this point - which, DUH, is exactly what I’ve been telling all these doctors it felt like, for over a year BUT I DIGRESS - so she’s all, yeah, we need to move this along as fast as possible because if you erode that area much more like, she doesn’t even know what that’ll look like in practice cuz she’s never actually had to deal with a case that bad, but reading between the lines it sounds like I would just not be able to close my mouth shut at all after that point, which....lol bye bye basic eating and talking? Idk. So its super fun being the worst case of this particular issue she’s ever seen personally haha yay me (but at least I don’t have cancer!)

So. Still putting it in the win column.

But yeah, so she found another surgeon that does potentially take insurance for the actual surgery costs, if we can get my insurance to approve it, and in the meanwhile now I gotta set up appointments at this OTHER imaging place for another more specific CT scan to measure how big the prosthetic will need to be, and they don’t take insurance there at all so that’s gonna be $600 no matter what. BUT, this new surgeon has a bunch of premade prosthetics they keep on site and so there’s a possibility they might be able to fit me with a premade prosthetic that’s already the right dimension instead of having to order a custom made one. And if I can get the surgery approved by my insurance and they find a premade that works, the surgery can be set up in as little as three weeks (which omg holy shit is that a light at the end of the tunnel, IT JUST FUCKING MIGHT BE crap I totally jinxed it didnt I fuck). If they can’t find a premade that works though it’ll still be the 4-6 months to make a custom one so, boooooo, we’re really hoping that doesn’t happen, cuz, again. I do not know precisely what several months of not being able to swing my jaw shut at all even lopsidedly and thus no eating or talking....like lmao what would that even look like how do you not like, starve in that case? Idk. So....super duper hoping that we can find a premade and get the surgery scheduled quicklikearabbit and not have to wait several more months and risk just eroding whatever it is that’s still up there in that general vicinity that’s left to erode, idk, like I said what are words right now even.

YEAH. SO. That’s my status update for those who’ve been messaging and checking in and whatnot, like, y’all are rockstars and I fucking adore you and am so grateful. I am now going to go sleep the sleep of the dead because hahahahahaha ow light is actually physically painful at the moment, I just came to sit up straight at my desk and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now.

Then its back to work for me but also I might have some fic updates??? lol. Cuz of people who’ve donated and made non-imposing requests or suggestions for things I could write and thus mitigate my OMG I Do Not Deserve Your Generosity ulcers of doom. That I’ve been writing off and on but mostly just off this last week in particular where I unfortunately did a lot of like, staring at the wall watching paint dry except not really cuz they weren’t freshly painted or whatever, look you get what I mean probably. 

Right. So. Assuming any of this makes sense to anyone and I’m not actually just stringing together nonsense series of words here at this point, still likely to be scarce for a few days to a week. Gonna leave my paypal link again, cuz I mean, yeah. I’m way more sick of posting it than anyone could possibly be of seeing my post it lolol, trust me, but hopefully there is a point now in the near(ish) future where I will once again be able to work productively and non-chronic-painfully again and thus not be in desperate need of the kindness of strangers 24/7. That would be so awesome omgwtfbbqicanteven. You don’t even know. 

But also! At least I don’t have cancer. So. I actually have a bizarre amount of energy at the moment despite being two seconds away from faceplanting into my keyboard from exhaustion. Look I dont even get how that works either. I’m nuanced okay.

I feel like there was something to write here like in conclusion or in summation or tl;dr but also fuck it, I think I literally just heard my last remaining synapse fire in my brain I gtg ttyl byyyyyyyyyyyye.

https://paypal.me/bigskydreaming?locale.x=en_US

[mautadite]

december book round up

happy new year’s everyone! i had a pretty good book year this year; completed my goodreads challenge and surpassed it to boot, with a total of 148 books read. 10 less than last year, but still pretty good! :) i read 15 books in december that i’ll talk about now; i’ll hopefully post a yearly round up talking about the best and worst of 2019 some time today. also i’m not sure why goodreads has ballsed up the order but chronin was my last book of the year, not mstsk.

gideon the ninth - tamsin muir ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ very good, just, really good, i had a GOOD TIME with this book. very appealing to me specifically in the way stories about deep loyalty between two people often are. i loved all of the houses in some way, but especially i love gideon and her two lesbian brain cells. a reread is probably necessary for me to wrap my head around all of the world-building/magic/necro stuff but it was all very good. really looking forward to the sequels.  

being hers - anna stone ⭐️⭐️ lesbian bdsm romance between a grad student and a high-powered businesswoman. wasn’t particularly good, but also i didn’t hate it.

introducing mr. winterbourne - joanna chambers ⭐️⭐️⭐️ reread from earlier this year. really cute story of historical romance with a couple who have great chemistry.

mr. winterbourne’s christmas - joanna chambers ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ lysander and adam’s story continued a year or more later. i love house party stories; the ensemble cast thing really works for me somehow. this was super fun, really cute, and the women who i thought were lesbians turned out to indeed be lesbians. yaaaaas.

how to blow it with a billionaire - alexis hall ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ reread in preparation to read the last book of the series. now that i’ve read them all i think this is definitely my favourite, just for how tender it is, and the time they spend getting to know each other and how fucking nerdy caspian is.

how to belong with a billionaire - alexis hall ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ last book in the series. THEY GET HEIR HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!! i have to reiterate that billionaire romances aren’t my thing, and it’s only because i like alexis hall so much and i trust him that i gave this a chance. i’m glad i did. this third book took a few turns i wasn’t expecting, and the long periods of separation made me SO SAD. i loved what it said about abuse and recovery and kink. i just hated that the abuser didn’t die lol.

underground airlines - ben h. winters ⭐️⭐️⭐️ dystopian novel about a timeline in which abraham lincoln was assassinated way before he actually was in real life, and slavery was never abolished in the us (or other places? the book was very NA centric). now, in the 21st century a group of southern states known as the hard four still have legal slavery, and our protag is a black former slave working as a bounty hunter for the gov’t to capture runaways. my biggest problem with this novel is that it seems to cast ol’ abe as The Most Important Reason Why Slavery Was Abolished and because he never got the chance to do what he did then we’re supposed to think it’s completely believable that it never got abolished countrywide. i’m simplifying a lot of things in the book of course, but man, i couldn’t get over that. otherwise: neat premise, skilful writing, tender in unexpected ways. couldn’t help but headcanon the protag as queer.

life in bits - harper bliss, t.b. markinson ⭐️⭐️ contemporary lesbian romance. a successful photographer returns to her home town to convalesce after suffering a stroke; has a fling with a cute nurse that quickly turns into something more. i... didn’t really like it lol. :/ and i usually like harper bliss books a lot! idk how the authors handled the co-writing, but i didn’t like the writing style, and the main character just wasn’t appealing. and she was a grumpy older dyke which is usually CATNIP to me!! i just wasn’t interested in them as people, or in their relationship.

his cocky valet - cole mccade ⭐️⭐️⭐️ contemporary m/m romance about a spoilt rich kid who’s suddenly propelled to the top of his father’s business empire under traumatic circumstances, and the valet he hires who helps him keep his life on track. tropey as heck, but in a good way. got super intense kink-wise, in a way i didn’t exactly enjoy, but i think it was a good read overall

fake fiancee - clara reese ⭐️⭐️ f/f romance, two friends pretend to be fiancees but then fall in love for real. dawn needs to keep her uncle’s inheritance, which will allow her to open a home for battered women. her contractor gina has a sick brother who needs surgery. they pretend to be engaged to satisfy the will, and profit! cute, tropey in exactly the way i like, but the writing just didn’t have anything to recommend to it. hot tho.

borealis investigations 1-3 - gregory ashe ⭐️⭐️⭐️ two best friends operating a private detective agency that specialises in cases that involve the lgbtqia community. the best thing about this series was the chemistry between north and shaw. it was SO GOOD and the slow burn that moved them from best friends to lovers was CHEFS KISS so good. and all the delicious mutual pining. the mysteries in all three books were competent enough. kept me guessing. and i like ashe’s writing style and humour! but there were so many irritating things. an almost all lily-white cast in the first book (which is fine! write what you know!) with one single black character who was of course, predatory, evil and lusting after the innocent white boy. lots of little “haha sjws” moments (mostly involving pari, their indian temp whom i loved, but man she got done dirty) . making fun of neo-pronouns. fights about nothing to induce drama. and the writing style started to grate on me at some point. it’s frustrating because i could have so easily LOVED these books. instead i just liked them.

my sister, the serial killer - oyinkan brathwaite ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ mystery/thriller set in nigeria. korede is the quintessential long-suffering older sister to ayoola. ayoola is beautiful beyond words, gets all the attention, and everyone thinks she can do no wrong. but korede knows better, because ayoola has a bad habit of killing her boyfriends, and calling korede to help her clean up the mess. oops! the book starts with her third murder. i loved this; predictable in some ways, but well written, wsitty, and very engaging because of the culture and these terrible wonderful characters.

chronin volume 2 - alison wilgus ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ conclusion to the chronin two-parter; a fun time travelling romp that grabbed me by the whole heart. mirai struggles to confront the events that have transpired in this new past, has some revelations, and saves the damn day. i’m so glad this was my last book of the year, purely for how HAPPY it made me. i read the last forty or so pages with my hand on my heart. 

and that’s it for december, and 2019! it’s been an up and down year for me personally, but it’s been a good year in terms of books. really happy that i’ve been able to continue reading a lot; reading was the love of my teenage years and reconnecting with that, with just the love of getting lost in a book for a few hours... it’s great. admittedly i read a lot of schmoopy gay romance but hey guess what? romance novels are good actually.

for 2020 i hope to read more of my two other loves, science fiction and fantasy. and if i can get scifi and fantasy that’s also gay, even better! like i said i’ll post my yearly round up later today hopefully, but if you’re interested, here’s my year in books from goodreads in the mean time.

currently reading my first book of the decade: a land so wild by elyssa warkentin.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #365

“i’m numb to the pleasure, but still feel the pain”

Are there palm trees where you live? No. Do you own any Hello Kitty stuff? If so, what? No. What’s your favorite flavor of ice pop? Blue raspberry. Do you like animal print? What’s your favorite print? Not really. I think animal "print" only really looks nice on, well, animals. Does your dad have any facial hair? Yes. What do you think of foot tattoos? They're not my favorite, but some look nice. I myself wanna get "11121" (a Silent Hill 4 reference) "carved" onto the top of my feet. Do you like bugs or do they scare you? Some do. I've gotten more into them though as my passion for tarantulas expanded to other inverts, like mantises. Ever seen the movie Chernobyl Diaries? If so, did you like it? If not, do you want to see it? I haven't, but I'd be willing to watch it. I find the whole Chernobyl incident to be extremely fascinating, so I'd probably like it. Did your senior class in high school have a class trip? Where did you go? Bitch I wish. :/ Do you have an instagram account? What’s your username? Yeah, two: brittanymphotography and eldritch_obscura. Do you like Gir from Invader Zim? I think he's cute. Do you or would you ever own a gun? Why or why not? No thanks. If I'm not mistaken, I can't legally obtain one anyway because of my suicidal history. I'm fine with having like, pepper spray and a bat handy by the bed, lol. If it was offered for free by a professional, would you get your hair dyed platinum blonde? For FREE? Fuck yeah I'd try it. What do you normally order at Dunkin Donuts? A chocolate frosted donut, and sometimes a plain/cake one. Do you watch football? Favorite teams? No. What about WWE? Favorite wrestler? That's an even bigger no. Funniest thing you’ve ever heard a teacher say? Okay so this is hard to actually explain and it be funny. I had this amazing, kinda charismatically awkward history teacher in high school, and when talking about some legal stuff I can't remember, she deadass quoted "Without Me" by Eminem ("if the FCC won't let me be...") like so casually and everyone fucking died, just from knowing her and her personality. It was just very unexpected. Do you wear a lot of makeup? What do you think of girls who do? No. Girls can wear however much makeup they please. Do you have a savings account? Are you good at saving money? No. I can't really answer the second question because of me never having a steady flow of money. Would you rather have a relationship or casual flings? Relationship, 100%. I would never have a casual fling. Do you know anyone that’s part Native American? Yes. Who was your favorite Spice Girl? I remember none of them. Have you ever tried to poison someone? Yikes, no. Have you ever saved anyone from a fire? No. Have you ever had a seizure? No. I've had sudden spasms, but never a full-on seizure. Have you ever had an out-of-body experience? No. Have you ever had a black eye? No. Have you ever had a tooth pulled? No. Have you ever had pneumonia? I have not. Have you ever had tubes put in your ears? Yes, as a baby. Have you ever been shot with an arrow or bullet? Thank god no. Have you ever had kidney stones? No. Have you even been bitten by an venomous animal? No. Have you ever thought about being in the military? Fuck no. I wouldn't qualify, anyway. Have you ever been sedated or put under anesthesia? Yeah. Have you ever used shrooms or any other hallucinogen? No. What upcoming event are you most looking forward to? I can barely believe my tat appointment is almost here lakjsd;ajwlej;rwe What was the last song you heard? I'm currently listening to Motionless In White's synthwave edit of "Voices" they just put out. I looooove it. What time did you wake up today? Maybe like, 5:20? Is there a vase in the room you’re in? No. Have you recently been insulted? Yes. Compared to someone else of your age and gender; do you feel that you have a lot to offer someone? N O P E How many days a week do you work? I'm unemployed. Is there ONE person you feel more connected to than others? Yes. What is your worst relationship quality? I obsess over the person probably leaving, so especially at the beginning, I'm paranoid and distrustful. I want to emphasize that I'm not the asshole that snoops through her partner's phone out of distrust, but still, the fear is just there. What was your most recent serious injury? A serious one? Man idk. I've had a lot or negligible and smaller ones, but a big one... *shrug* What were you most recently happy about? I was happy to see "synthwave" in this video title, haha. Are you a fan of cake? Oh yes. What is your favorite insect? Butterflies. Is your town beautiful? Ew, no. Do you prefer the city or the country? THE COUNTRY. Have you ever witnessed an eclipse? Lots of lunar eclipses. Do you wear lipstick often? No. You’re going on a date with someone you like. What would you like to do? Considering the pandemic, probably just like... grab fast food and sit and eat at a park. That'd be cute. You’re hanging out with your best friend. What would you like to do? It'd be nice to get back to Avatar: The Last Airbender while hanging out with Doris (her beardie that I adore), too. Have you ever written or considered writing a play? No. Who is considered the “black sheep” of your family? Why? Ha, me. To begin, I like all the "dark" stuff, I'm the unreligious one, the one with political beliefs unlike most of my family, I'm not doing what I should be... Why is your favorite movie your favorite movie? It's just a masterpiece. I love love love animals, African one especially, and I find it to be an amazing story of courage and dedication to family. Plus I shamelessly love all the songs, haha. What’s an odor you hate? GASOLINE. FUCK. What’s a sound you hate? Fingernails on a chalkboard. Or screech-y noises in general. If money was no issue, what would you like to do right now? I was initially gonna say go to Yellowstone, but fuck that hot weather this time of year. So, this brings us back to Venus' terrarium; I'd want to get a new one and better materials. What’s something you’re so good at that you take pride in your skill? I wouldn't say I'm "so good" at it, but I do take pride in my writing. What’s something you’d never ever dare to ask another person? Hm. Under ANY circumstance, I guess "are you pregnant?" There's almost like... no situation where I'd be comfortable asking somebody that. What’s the worst/best thing you’ve done without your parents knowing? We're not getting into that lmao. Do you know anyone who has a hearing deficit? No. What is one thing stopping you from becoming a veterinarian? I could never stand seeing so many hurt and dying animals and still be okay at the end of the day. Are there any opinions you used to have even a few years ago that you look back on and think, “I can’t believe I ever thought that way”? THERE ARE!!!!!!!!!!! A LOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The last time you cried, what was wrong? I fell and skinned my knees when stepping over this barrier Mom made to keep the damn dog out of the hallway and thus my room to fuck with the cat and eat his food. I previously twisted my ankle, fell backwards, and had one other accident with it despite moving stuff, and I didn't cry from pain, just massive frustration. I want this dog GONE. Do you like multi-choice tests or tests you have to write out? Multiple choice. Who last called you ‘beautiful’? Couldn't tell ya, bud. Have you ever caught a firefly? Yeah, I did that lots as a kid. Do you own any camouflage? No. What’s the stinkiest pet you’ve ever had? Uhhh I dunno. Have you ever been on the news? For what? No. Have you ever seen one of your friends get arrested? No. Do you put sprinkles on anything? No, I hate sprinkles. How do you like your steak? Medium well. Long hair on guys: yes or no? Yaaaaaaaas. Is there a basement in your house? If so, what is it used for? No. When was the last time you started a new medication? It's been a while. What is your favourite type of nut? Cashews, I think. Where did you eat the best pizza you’ve ever eaten in your life? I'm so fuckin basic, like my genuine answer is Domino's lmaooo. Did you ever watch The Rugrats when you were a kid? Yeah, I loved that show. I even had the two video games; I was obsessed with the first one in particular. Do you know anyone who was adopted? Yes. Do your parents’ professions match their college degrees? No. Do you write shopping lists on paper or just remember it in your head? I don't do the shopping, so. But I would definitely need to write it down. Have you ever used a lawnmower? No. Have you ever consumed so much alcohol that you vomited? No. Can you tie balloons? No, actually. My hands are just too shaky. When was the last time you were at a pet store? A few weeks ago when we got rats for Venus. Ugh, it is SO overpriced; they come in a box of two, and as I feed her twice a month, it's honestly quite a bit of money. Like if I remember correctly, it's around $16. FOR TWO. SMALL. RATS. I've recommended we just buy them in bulk NOT from an overpriced chain pet store, but the problem with that is then we have *too* many, and the nutritional value of frozen rats apparently does degrade with time, so I don't want to feed my snake poor food. So it's just an annoying thing we have to do. Have you ever taken a pregnancy test? Not like, an at-home one. I've been tested before surgery, but that was just a safety protocol. Does your ex still think about you? "The" ex, probably not. Honestly, who is the last person to tell you that they love you? My mom. What is the last state you were in besides your own? Virginia. Would you go down to see the Titanic if given the chance? Man, that's kinda tempting. Maybe. It'd be super cool. Have you ever seen the Hollywood sign in real life? No. Did you ever see a scorpion in the wild? No, they don't live here. Do you type the proper way? Have you ever typed on a manual typewriter? Yes to both. What was your maternal grandmother’s first name? Cecelia. Name a word that people use locally that outsiders probably can’t pronounce. Conetoe. You said it wrong.

[chibistarlyte]

life update stuff under the cut

this year has been such a doozy so far. i feel like each year gets steadily more and more difficult and sometimes i fall into the depression pit of “nothing matters, what is the point in literally anything”

i’ve been sleeping a lot lately because doing anything takes too much effort. i’m on meds, and i do feel better versus when i wasn’t on them for a while, but i like. don’t know what my problem is? idk if it’s the adhd acting up and not letting me focus on anything/making me bored all the time because i can’t focus on anything. my anxiety hasn’t been too much of a problem lately, not since a few months ago when i had that full-blown panic attack at work. and i keep digging my heels in about going to the doctor because my health insurance plan doesn’t have co-pays, just a yearly deductible, so like...my last doctor visit, which was just a med check, cost me almost $200 and i’m just like????? what the fuck, i can’t afford to go to the doctor to address issues i’m pretty positive i have (example, i’m pretty fuckin’ positive i have some sort of thyroid issue because it runs in my family and affected my yia yia (mom’s side) and my mom currently, both pretty severely) and then i also wanna go to therapy again because Trauma(TM) and i’m noticing a lot of ways past trauma is affecting my daily life and i just

everything is so expensive so i just sleep and hope i’ll feel better when i wake up

i also dove a lot into my hyperfixations over the last few months to cope with some shit and at the end of the day, it doesn’t do anything to fix the problem. it’s just pointless escapism.

my cat was really sick at the beginning of this month and had to be hospitalized, so i had to open a new line of credit to pay for her hospitalization. i made the decision to do so because she had pancreatitis and it was completely curable, and plus my cat is young enough (she’s 11 this year) and has been healthy for the majority of her life and to me, it was worth it to fork over a bunch of money to make sure she stayed alive because she still has a lot of youth in her and she’s got a lot of years left, and the vet agreed. so, she got much better but the vet did find that presea has bladder stones (which didn’t surprise me all that much tbh, she had some urinary problems a few years ago due to stress of living with two dogs at the time) so we had to switch her diet to a special prescription urinary diet (which she’ll have to be on for the rest of her life and is pretty expensive, but still worth it to me) in the hopes that the food will help dissolve the stones. if they don’t dissolve, though, she will have to have surgery and i don’t even want to think about how much that is going to cost. but, again, it’s worth it to me to have her around for many more years because without her, i don’t know what i’d do. i literally don’t.

uh, what else? i had a new baby cousin born last month, which is cool. his name is alton and i’m hoping to visit my family in ohio sometime this year so i can meet all the new babies that have been born in the last five years and also bring my boyfriend to meet my extended family. my cousin was going to be getting married in september and that was when we were gonna go, but after we found out my aunt (mom of said cousin) has a rare form of breast cancer, my cousin decided to put the wedding on hold. i still think i wanna go back and visit since i already have the vacation time for when the wedding would have been. this particular aunt is definitely the one i’m closest to out of my entire extended family (my dad is one of nine kids) and i haven’t seen her in a few years, so it’s something i really want to do.

i may end up going back sooner than september, though, depending on if my grandma passes away before then. she has dementia and it’s gotten to the point where she can’t swallow anymore, and because of that whenever she tried to eat, a bunch of fluid got into her lungs and she caught pneumonia and ended up in the hospital, and she’s now on a feeding tube as of the last update i heard from my dad and i just. i feel bad but also my grandma was nothing but abusive to everyone in her family--my dad, his brothers and sisters, my cousins, me, my sister, my mom, etc.--and i feel no closeness to her whatsoever so like, i almost feel like i don’t care if she dies or not? but i’m still gonna go back for the funeral and such when she does go because it’s important to me to be with my family. especially because i never see them because i live across the country from them.

some good stuff, uh, my boyfriend got a new job that he starts on april 1st. it’s a full-time gig and he’ll be making more money than me so hopefully that will help as far as our plans to move in together next year (holy fuck i can’t believe i’m in that point in a relationship, wtf). marriage has been lightly in the talks as well and i’m like awsiuhjkdsagflkdshl wtf

my job sucks but i’m applying for other jobs here and there. it’s possible that i’m looking at a promotion in the next six months at my current job so i’m kiiiiiiiinda waiting to see what happens with that, but also i’m applying for positions elsewhere to see if i get any bites. nothing so far, but the situation isn’t dire so it’s whatevs. i’m considering picking up a second job again, especially if presea needs surgery.

my birthday is in nine days (march 31st) and i just hope to have a good and relaxing day

uhhh anyway that’s it for now, i think. i haven’t been super active on here lately and i miss it, so i’m gonna try and be around more. i also want to keep working on my fanfics and i’m gonna be pulling out some of my old plays and fixing those up because i know of a group in denver that does live readings of plays by local playwrights and i think that might be fun to try, if anything. i also need to work on sending some of my poems and short stories out to like lit journals/magazines and such this year and hope i get at least one thing published. i ain’t aiming for the stars, here, just something to get me started, y’know?

if you made it here to the end, thanks for reading. <3

[legisaskerator]

vent vent vent

buckle up bastards this is gonna be long as FUCK

holy fucking shit my life yhas been so goddamn hard recently and i’m not handling it well

first and foremost on my mind at this second is the fact that i am in so much fucking pain right now i do not know what to do. my EDS is acting up really really badly and i’m super bedridden right now. i took my last vicodin and i have no idea when i can get more, or how, and i have like nothing to help. i had to leave class today to weep in the fuckin bathroom because i can barely walk and even sitting up is a struggle. if i felt this sort of pain three years ago i would have likely considered doing something VERY rash to stop it and i’m amazed i’m still, almost functioning. i can barely think i’m in agony i want it to end

i’m so scared this is just the next turn that eds is taking. i know i wont ever get better but fuck, i dont want to need a mobility aid yet. i’m only fucking 22 i have to be a teacher!!! how can i fucking teach if i cant write on a board?? or maneuver around classrooms? how will i ever get a job? or even just. live in the house of my dreams. i wish there was some help for me because i am tired of ehlers danlos running my life. i am scared for my future. i cant imagine who i will become if this level of pain becomes my “normal”. someone move me to mass so i can get legal weed to try to numb myself

on the same path of injury, my mother recently injured herself very badly and was hospitalized for a little w hile. ended up needing surgery to put rods and screws and plates in her leg/ankle, and as a result, she’s not functioning for the next 12 weeks. i’m doing my best to help out aroudn the house and i’m filling in for her at work. she does advertising for a newspaper and brings the papers to subscribing businesses,, which i’m taking over now. at least i like driving?

i love my mom and i will do anythign to help her, but god it’s such a load on my shoulders. i’m  upset and frustrated because i’m strugtgling to balance my life around this sudden responsibility. it’s definitely not her i’m upset about, it’s not like she did this purposefully??? she needs the help and i am willing to give it. but i am also allowed to feel these emotions. i am upset at the /situation/. her boyf and my sister are barely helping and they’re neglectful and distant. i’m the only emotionally present one in the family and also (aside from mom) am the only nurturing, caring one in the household. i keep her from having panic attacks, i keep her anxiety down, i’m warm and i try so goddamn hard to make sure shes ok. but it’s exhausting. i’m keeping my family together it feels like, everythings crashing down and i’m the only “sane” one. which is sad because ive been a depressed wreck for weeks and have been working on scraping myself off the fucking pavement, trying to get out of the spiral. i’m scared that my mom relies so much on me. she tells me everything, things i don’t want to hear. relationship troubles primarily. i know i give great advice and am ~wise beyond my years~ (thanks trauma) but, that’s what her therapist is for. i’ve told her i wish she would, tell me less, because as her daughter it’s uncomfortable, and she always overreacts like “oh i’ll never tel you anything again if it’s so terrible then” and i end up feeling fucking awful, and it’s a nightmare. but if things keep going the way they are in their relationship (i’m not gonna spill deets because, privacy still) we might lose our house!!! and everything we’ve finally worked for!!

so i feel like, if i can’t fix this problem, it’ll be my fault our lives come crashing down.

i know that’s ridiculous. it’s not my job. 

but it still feels like it

i never feel like i’m doing enough. just in life in general. i’m not good enough i’m not working hard enough i just am not enough. i was very saturated with child prodigy shit when i was younger and that fucked up my psyche so much. it’s still thrown at me by my father, americas got talent and movies where the protag is a ~genius~. i hate it. ill never be that and i know that’s what my dad wants of me. i’m not the next bill gates i just want to be a teacher and live my life!!!! i don’t want to start a band and get famous!!!! i dont want to run a business!! i don’t want to revolutionize the world!! just let me please! follow my heart!!!!!! i can’t fucking stand it when he tries to tell me what to do with my life it makes me want to scream and wail and sjafkl; fd fjasfg;akldf

i can’t do this, man. 

i’m so alone. i’m sick of the slut life. i’ve been hoeing around for a year and it’s taking a massive toll on my self esteem and sanity. i’s a terrible coping mechanism and i’m very very not healthy about it. i only have sex when i’m heavily under the influence of something and use it as a way of getting attention, which is, awful. i often forgo protection because it’s ~inconvenient~ and the second a guy protests, i’ll cave because i ~live to please~ and don’t want to start shit. i can’t keep doing this. hooking up is the only time people ever touch me. i just want a fuckign hug sometimes

i keep seeing so many posts like “you can’t love another if you don’t love yoursel!” and “people aren’t your medicine” but what if??? they can be to an extent?? part of being uber depressed is self-isolation and i’m so, sick of it. i need some fucking comfort because right now i am suffering through my life alone and it’s so difficult. it’s not as easy as just, settling though. i’m picky with my lovers because?? i deserve someone good? everyone that’s been coming through my life like, has a fatal flaw that i just can’t do. like long term compatability is risked for me with that shit.like, too introverted, too emotionally distant, people who just aren’t smart, i can’t do it?? i just want someone who’s going to comfort me when i need it, who i can have a healthy debate with, and someone who respects my life choices and things i do. 

i’ve been talking to one guy recently who, i was hoping maybe could have been a potential. he’s super nice and considerate/respectful, hes HELLA smart, adores a bunch of the same stuff i’m into, we talk really well together, i feel comfortabgle around him, gotta say he’s hot as fuck too...and he just wants friends with benefits. I respect that. i was in a similar spot literally last semester, there was a pretty great guy but i just wasn’t in the right space for a relationship. so friends with benefits. i don’t blame this new guy for not wanting a relationship he has every right!! but oh god it hurts a little. i worry that it’s me, that i’m just a good pussy for him, or a convenient lay who’s down to clown like 99% of the time. he’s been talking to me less recently and i’m worried that he’s...done with me. idk if that’s true or if i’m just reading into it but i’m in a VERY vulnerable place right now in my life, and i really need someone by my side for it. i need the support and warmth. 

i wish my warmth would comfort me. i wish i could turn my nurturing attitude around and help myself. i wish i didn’t need smoene else for comfort. i’m a fuckin libra tho i live for romance

this guys’ great though. i hope he sticks around at least for a little bit longer. i want to learn more bout lovecraft.

my sluttiness is my biggest qualm with myself right now. it’s definitely a huge problem in my life, it’s actively causing me problems. my one friend (because, i have only one fucking friend i can actually talk to. that’s it i hAVE ONE i’m so goddamn l,onely) has been like, coaching me through making better decisions? i’m very impulsive and he’s got great advice and is quick to be like “then don’t” and shit. i’m trying really hard to make sure i dont use him as a therapist though, that’s unfair to him. i’m respectful and all that shit don’t worry bout htat. he’s a huge help to me and has been my absolute rock through college, idk where i’d be without him. he also introduced me to his friend group, who are all really amazing people? they welcomed me with open arms and no ones ever done that before. i’m always super outcasted cause i’m weird and i wont hide it because it’s ME goddamnit! but these people, they’re weird too, they’re freaks and outcasts and, while they’ve all been very close friends since they were wee tots, they still welcomed me in. they still wanted me to be part of them. i’m getting to know all of them still, but i’ve got hope that, maybe i’ve got some lifelong friends now. at the very least, i’m sure i’ve got one. 

onto phase 4 of my fuckin monologue i guess, topic SHIFT

my thesis is a mess and it’s due in three weeks, i’ve barely gotten anything done because my teacher is awful and i’m worried i’m gonna fail the course

which would be SUPER bad because, i’ve had this teacher too many times and we do not get along, she loathes my existence, and i really just need to get out. shes partly the reason i need an extra fucking year at school and i always DREAD going to her class. it’s humiliating and discouraging to spend three hours every monday there. no one else likes this professor, they’re only here becuase the school loooooves the researchers and writers. complaints dont matter. all of my other classes are fine but this one has been probably the worst, most emotionally devastating class i’ve ever taken

i don’t even get to write about a topic i want. i was forced to write about the play i was in, instead of Monty Python like i wanted (it’s a fucking comedy class!!!!!) the play is about SCHOOL SHOOTINGS (we won some national awards teehee it’s an outstanding play). yes it’s a “black comedy” but not really? it’s a drama with comedic moments? and i KNOW THIS cause i’ve been studying comedy with this professor for like three cumulative years at this point. i’m struggling beacuse there’s zero research, zero information, and has to be over 20 pages long??? like fuck? i’m so fucked

anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk. i’ve been wanting to make a vent post for like weeks but i haven’t had the time or energy and , i really needed to just....get this out. i feel a little better having all the words down. there’s still so much else going wrong in my life that i could talk about, all the car troubles, my other classes, dorm shit, but, it doesn’t matter in the light of these issues. i can get through this. i just gotta keep fighting. 

oh and if anyones like, worried, i’m not suicidal, i’m not going to do that, there’s no chance of that hpapening. i’m in a very bad place but i’m never gonig back there if i can fucking help it

[kidknux]

Do you have any headcanons for Blurrbee ship? It's a really rare pairing so it's always nice to hear about it :3

yes..... i love them so much

I wasn't sure if you meant tfa Blurrbee or tfrq Blurrbee also, so I put a copy of the ask on both blogs, and we'll make an answer there too for the tfrq version

god this got super long and rambly and stuff too tho so i’m gonna. put this under a readmore so u can bail when it gets too dumb. i’m very sorry anyone on mobile you’ll have to Deal

@captainofthestars​ and i talk about them so much w/ our tfa au or tfrq or just. in general, whenever. we love them, we started shipping them after tfa because they had such a fun dynamic? Basically right after Blurr’s first few appearances, whoops

Bee thanking Blurr when he’s still just the “mysterious racer” is super good... Bee does a name shout when Blurr gets pulled into the space bridge! And he immediately wants to prioritize They Have To Get Him Back, i’m JUST SAYING, so like we got super attached rly fast bc of their general back-and-forth and little things like that.

Bee during the series is sorta competitive outside of cute moments like that? Which we tend to write as just... he’s kind of like that when he’s not sure what to do w/ his feelings, Blurr is super fast and kind of cool and he kind of saved Bee before and Other Emotions so instead of dealing with how he feels abt that its time to Fight. Blurr (who quint writes more often) also likes Bee pretty fast but he’s not great with people and doesn’t really realize it until later when he actually stops to think about it, post-series (which is getting into au territory but that’s just the hill we’re gonna die on)

It’s after the show that they manage to find Blurr, and his time in the hospital is... a process. Bee runs into him here again and learning about the state he’s in and what happened to him is pretty upsetting, especially since he already has a lot of problems/guilt around Shockwave and what he did. Blurr is stuck in the hospital for a pretty long time, since they need to be careful unfolding him and replacing parts of his body as needed, and no one else is really there much so Bee starts visiting him pretty often.

At first Blurr can’t really talk, but he can make some noises, and they start figuring out how to talk that way in some basic codes. Blurr is bored and lonely between surgeries, and Bee is one of the people who gets permission to take him out around Cybertron sometimes when he’s stable but not being worked on. Or, y’know, just sneak him out without permission. It doesn’t really seem right to try and be rude, or start fights, so instead they just... talk, and hang out, and under everything it turns out they really do get along and really like each other?

And it’s while Blurr is in the hospital slowly being repaired that he has lots of time to think, and think and think because he’s bedridden without supervision and that’s about all he gets to do most of the time. So he stops to think about it, finally, and realizes that he might like Bumblebee- and of course, he’s been so nice to him. It could be entirely pity, of course, that would be unfortunate, but it could be that he likes him too- he should ask. I’m just. Gonna copypaste part of the discord convo on it

CaptainNessbot 09/19/2017Eventually, I want Blurr to bluntly ask if Bee likes him romanticallyAre they in a relationship now??kidotix 09/19/2017GoodProbably after a while of them going on dates trips and hanging out in generalBee is somehow still caught off guard, what?CaptainNessbot 09/19/2017Blurr's beeping kicks up a notch so he can say everything he's thinkingYou've been really nice to him for no apparent reason, so it's either pity about his current condition or romantic attraction, in which case it is reciprocated. And when two people have an equal amount of attraction they are in a relationship, right?kidotix 09/19/2017Bee will get progressively blue from blushing as his processor decodes it, it might take a little while longer than normal bc it's more complicated than most of what Blurr saysUh, w-well he definitely doesn't pity you, yeah it sucks but he was.. He was doing it 'cause you're a friend, more or lessNot that he's saying no! He does like you, just not like that at first and he doesn't want you to think he was expectin' something from you in exchange or anything- but if you really want to then yes! SureBee is flustered and this must look ridiculous to any potential onlookersCaptainNessbot 09/19/2017He's cutekidotix 09/19/2017Beyond one or two incidents of flirting at space ports, he's going in blindCaptainNessbot 09/19/2017Blurr makes a squeaky surprised noise, his spark starts beating fasterAh, well. Good!kidotix 09/19/2017Bee grins, yeah! Great!Um, but they should- it's probably way too soon for them to. YknowHe's never done this before, you don't have to bond right away right?? He's not sure he's ready for anything like thatBlurr: can we dateBee: yesBee: ...oh no does this mean we need to get marriedHe doesn't know how fast this is supposed to goCaptainNessbot 09/19/2017They can take it slow, ironically

And Then They Date and it’s fucking cute bc they’re dumb and in love. Blurr is maybe not totally ready to jump back to active intel duty on Cybertron, so he goes back to earth with Bee instead. Omega Supreme’s presence basically doubles the size of their base on earth, which is good because with the new members they’ve got- mainly Wreck-Gar, and now Blurr- they need the room. Especially since the one now-empty room is one that no one is super willing to clear out.

Blurr ends up being part of the “Bee Team” that Bee puts together eventually to try and relocate Wasp. Which involves a lot of dimension-hopping shenanigans. It’s the first big mission Blurr’s been on since recovery, too, which is fun. Wreck-Gar and the Dinobots come along too, which is important bc after they do find Wasp- and a lot of other troubles to eventually rehabilitate the poor guy- Blurr, Wasp, Wreck-Gar, and an oc end up as a b-team to the main earth autobots (along with a few other occasional members)

at this point it ends up in sorta nebulous The Adventure Continues areas, eventually they do end up sharing a room and stuff which i’ve written into one of the once-in-a blue-moon fics, I’ll jst drop some more scattered hcs that were located looking for the confession hc

CaptainNessbot 04/15/2018Sentinel hates working with Blurr in any capacitykidotix 04/15/2018Sentinel plsCaptainNessbot 04/15/2018Sentinel does not have the patience necessary to understand Blurrand Blurr hates repeating himself and also thinks Sentinel is kind of an idiot 

CaptainNessbot 03/19/2018Has [overclocking] had effects on how he perceives time? YesDoes he care? NoIs it bad I can see a lotta racers disliking himCompared to what I'd expect the usual charismatic, showboating race star to be (like IDW Blurr), he's kind of....Snippy, awkward, and distant?

um also idk how to wrap this up so. they’re one of several ships that i have a playlist for. i’m always kinda tweaking it tho since it’s jst smthn i keep around for me and friends yknow

thanks for coming to my ted talk

[lordofassgard]

Evil {Part 2}

Requested: | yes | no |

Maybe continue it where Theo and the reader start to get closer and maybe slowly develop feelings for each other? And maybe the reader has a feeling or knows that Theo has other intentions but knows that he isn’t truly evil and like super fluffy and caring stuff because I feel like Theo isn’t cared about enough lol he really isn’t

Pairing: Theo Raeken x f!Reader

Summary: The reader is Stiles’ twin sister and doesn’t think Theo is evil. That is until weird things start to happen she finally understands what her brother meant all along

Word Count: 4.1k+

Warnings: cursing like once, Stiles being a dick to Theo

A/N: I’m so sorry it took me so long to do this, I’ve been busy as fuck. The request didn’t really turned out like I originally planned but  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I know I said I was going to turn Evil into a series but I like the way this ended so yeah, Evil ends here. Also, thank you so much to the nonnie who requested this ily and I hope you like it 💕

check navigation for masterlist

Part 1 || Part 2 find part 1 in my masterlist

Disclaimer: I feel like I need to say this I don’t think Theo is evil omg he’s a cinnamon roll who made a few mistakes

You were bored as you sat in the cafeteria with the pack at lunch. They were talking in pairs but you didn’t feel like it. Instead, you scrolled through your social media to pass the time.

“So, I was thinking…” Lydia started and the pack went quiet to hear her “Maybe after school we could go bowling.”

“Sounds good.” Stiles was the first to answer making you roll your eyes. He needed to tell Lydia how we felt because you couldn’t take him squealing like a schoolgirl about how cute Lydia’s braid looked.

“Yeah, I’m in.” Scott and Kira nodded.

“I guess…” Malia shrugged.

“I can’t…” Liam frowned “It’s movie night with Mason.”

“What about you (Y/N)?” Stiles turned to you.

“Sure.” You shrugged “I don’t have any plans.”

“You never have plans.” Your brother teased and you rolled your eyes.

You listened while they arranged things for that afternoon. At 5 pm after school, you’d meet at the bowling alley where you had been countless times in your entire life. When the bell rang, you, Scott, Kira and Lydia walked together to Biology while the others went to their classes.

“Hey (Y/N)” You heard someone call your name as soon as you walked in.

Theo waved to get your attention and smiled when your eyes landed on him.

“I saved you a seat.” He pointed to the empty chair next to him.

You looked back at Lydia, you usually sat with her but she nudged you towards Theo’s table with a smirk.

“Go!” She whispered.

You shook your head with a laugh and walked towards Theo.

“Hi! Thanks.” You thanked him when you sat down.

“No problem.”

The teacher walked in and the both of you started paying attention. That was until he whispered your name during class.

“Do you have plans after school?”

“Yeah, I’m going bowling with the pack. You wanna come with us?”

“I don’t know…” He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Hold up…”

You took your phone out of your bag and went to your group chat with the pack.

[You]: Hey guys, I’m bringing Theo today

[Han Stiles]: No you’re not…

[Angry Bean]: ^^^

[You]: Liam you shouldn’t text in class

[Han Stiles]: Neither should you…

[You]: Okay

[You]: So why can’t I bring Theo?

[Han Stiles]: Because I don’t like him, he’s shady and he’s not part of the pack

[You]: Guys, I know you’re reading this back me up here

[Lyds]: I don’t see what’s wrong…

[McAlpha]: We’re in class guys…

[Maliaaa]: Why can’t she bring Theo?

[Foxie]: Idk…

[You]: @ Kira explain

[Foxie]: I’m not against it but things will get awkward if Theo comes

[You]: Is it because of my brother?

[You]: That’s a stupid question of course it is…

[You]: You know what? If you guys can’t accept a friend of mine don’t wait for me to show up

[You]: Have fun

You locked your phone with a frown and turned to Theo trying to brighten up your expression.

“You know what? Bowling sounds boring, do you have other plans?”

“I was going home and play video games.”

“Sounds awesome. What kind of video games do you have?”

“The normal ones.” He shrugged “Do you wanna come over?”

“Yeah, sure.” You grinned.

“Ms. Stilinski, Mr. Raeken, is there anything you’d like to share with the rest of the class?”

“No ma’am.” Theo shook his head, focusing his attention back on the board.

When school ended, you walked towards the parking lot with some books in your arms.

“(Y/N)” Your brother called “C’mon, I still have stuff to do before bowling I don’t wanna be late.”

“I’m not going with you.”

“What?” He stopped dead in his tracks and raised his eyebrows “Where are you going?”

“Hey, are you ready?” Theo approached the two of you “We can pick some snacks on the way.”

“You’re going with him?”

“See you later Stiles, have fun bowling.”

You and Theo walked away from a dumbfounded and annoyed Stiles towards Theo’s truck.

“He didn’t look too happy.” Theo mentioned once you were on the way to his house.

“He’ll get over it.” You shrugged with a laugh “Hey, can I turn on the radio?”

“Sure.”

You leaned towards the radio and so did he, your hands touching before they touched the radio.

“Sorry.” You quickly brought your hand back to your side.

Your cheeks were getting warm, why were you blushing? Your hands just touched, he didn’t propose. Get it together (Y/N). Without another word he turned on the radio, a soft tune coming out of the speakers.

“I love this song.”

“Me too.”

You looked at each other grinning before the both of you started singing at the top of your lungs, unable to keep a straight face. The melody wasn’t heard anymore, just the two of you screaming the lyrics like you were at a concert. Things with Theo felt easy. With Theo you had no problems, no duties, no worries. You just hoped he’d stick around.

☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆ .。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・

“It’s not fair, you’re a werewolf. You have fast reflexes” You crossed your arms over your chest with a pout after you lost for the tenth time in a row.

“Life is unfair, get over it.” He teased and you threw a pillow at him.

“Life is unfair, get over it.” You mocked.

“Hey I don’t sound like that.” He pretended to be offended.

“Hey I don’t sound like that.” You mocked again.

“Besides…” Theo smirked “You just suck at video games.” He shrugged.

“Excuse me?” You gasped faking offense “I’m the best at video games.”

“Babe don’t embarrass yourself. Just admit you suck.” He laughed throwing his head back.

You widened your eyes at the pet name, your heart jumping several beats. In a few weeks, Theo Raeken managed to flip your world upside down with his smiles and pet names and his nice outfits and caring gestures. But little did you know how much your world was going to change because of a certain blue-eyed boy.

☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆ .。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・

You were at the station when you heard the commotion outside your dad’s office. You opened the door just in time to see Lydia falling down bleeding.

Running towards her, you didn’t see Tracy coming your way. You only felt her claws scratching your stomach and you fell on your knees.

“(Y/N)” You heard your dad yell.

It was like everything was happening in slow motion. You landed on the floor and tried to bring your shaky hands to your stomach to stop the bleeding. The background noises seemed distant, the lights on the ceiling felt like they were moving around. The pain was almost unbearable but it soon turned into numbness, like it had always been there.

“(Y/N), stay with me.” You felt the pressure of someone’s hands on your stomach “Look at me. (Y/N) look at me.”

You slowly blinked a few times trying to focus on the person. Parrish’s green eyes were the first thing you noticed and a small smile made its way to your lips.

“Is…is my dad okay?” You weakly asked.

“Yeah, he’s fine.” Jordan smiled at you still focused on your stomach.

“Where’s Lydia?”

“She’s fine, she’s with Kira.”

You tilted your head to the side, looking away from Jordan as you fought to keep your eyes open.

“I’m sleepy.”

“No, no stay awake (Y/N) c’mon you can’t fall asleep.”

“But I want to…” You whined.

“(Y/N)” Another voice called out your name but you didn’t have the energy to call back.

Someone else kneeled down next to you and grabbed one of your hands.

“Theo?”

You felt the pressure being lifted off your stomach before you felt something soft on top of you. Theo had shrugged off his jacket and was using it to stop the bleeding.

“How’s her pulse?”

“Weak.” Theo answered and his voice seemed slightly shaky.

The room just kept spinning and spinning and you found it harder to keep your eyes open. You felt like you had just woken up when you’re still sleepy and you feel exhausted even though you’re well rested. And then you blacked out.

You started hearing beeping noises, they were rhythmical. And you felt sore, like the aftermath of a marathon where all your muscles hurt even the ones you didn’t know you had. You opened your eyes, blinking a few times to adjust them to the bright light in the white room. The white walls were too familiar unfortunately, you were at the hospital.

“Thank God you’re awake.” Stiles sighed in relief.

“What happened?” Your voice came out raspy.

“Tracy she uh…” He tugged at his hair nervously “She scratched you.”

“Did you save her? Is she okay?”

“Just rest…”

“She’s dead isn’t she?” His silence was the answer you needed.

You sighed and whimpered when you felt pain spread through your stomach.

“What is it? Do you want me to call Melissa?” Stiles got up, knocking down the plastic chair where he was sitting in the process.

“No, I’m fine.” You reassured him “Where is everybody?”

“Dad is at the station, trying to cover up what actually happened, Lydia is still in surgery and everyone else is in the waiting room.”

“I’m sorry…” You avoided his gaze.

“For what?”

“For not being strong like them or smart like you. I’m basically dead weight and all I do is make you guys worried.”

“What are you talking about? Do you have any idea what you did for us? Without you, we’d probably be all dead. We need each other.” Stiles grabbed your hand and squeezed it.

A knock on your door interrupted your conversation. The door opened revealing the pack, except for Lydia and Theo a little behind. Liam was carrying balloons, Scott had flowers and Theo had a stuffed bear that looked way too small in his large hands. One by one they hugged you and kissed you either on the forehead or on the cheek telling you how much you had scared them and an “I’m glad you didn’t die” from Malia.

“Guys, guys.” Stiles called after a few minutes “The doctor said she needs to rest.”

“No, I’m fine.” You shook your head.

Honestly, you didn’t want to be alone.

“But you need to rest.” Scott spoke up “C’mon, we’ll come back tonight before my mom’s shift ends okay?” He smiled fondly at you.

Everyone started to get ready to leave and from the corner of your eye, you saw Theo getting up from the chair where your brother previously sat. As quickly as your wounded body allowed you, you grabbed his wrist making him look down at you, brows furrowed in confusion.

“Stay.” You whispered loud enough for him to hear.

He nodded and sat down again. You looked over at the pack leaving in time to see Stiles almost being dragged out of the room by Scott while mumbling something like “she almost died and she wants to be alone with him”.

“Thank you.” You spoke once the door closed “I remember you were there at the station. You saved my life.”

“I’d do it again if I had to.” Theo smiled “Get some rest babe.” Even in your weakened state, you still managed to blush at the pet name like you did all those other times.

“Will you be here when I wake up?” You asked, feeling sleep starting to take over you.

“I will, I promise.” He placed his hand over yours on the bed and you smiled before closing your eyes.

Even though you were sleepy, it took you a few minutes to fall asleep. Right before you fell asleep, when you’re still aware of what’s happening around you, you were almost sure that you heard Theo whisper I’m sorry. But it was all in your head. After all, what would he be sorry for?

☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆ .。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・

You sat in the waiting room of the hospital, your leg was bouncing up and down with anxiety. Earlier, you had gotten a phone call from Stiles, saying that your dad was on the way to the hospital. He didn’t say why he just said it was bad and that he’d meet you there. You tugged at your hair, unable to sit still, the lack of information driving you insane. Was your dad going to be okay?

Your phone rang, but it took you a few seconds to register the sound. Mason's name appeared on the screen making you worried. He went to the school to get Liam, why was he calling you? You picked up the phone, apprehensive until you heard the words that made your heart break.

“Scott is dead.” Mason announced over the phone “Theo killed him.”

For a few seconds, you didn’t say anything. You were frozen, wide-eyed and you didn’t know how to react.

“(Y/N)?” Mason called “Are you there?”

“Uh, yeah...yeah I am. A-Are you sure?”

“I saw it.” He paused “I’m so sorry.”

You hung up and stared at your phone for a few seconds. Dialing Stiles’ number as quickly as you could, you tried to let him know what was happening. When he didn’t answer you started freaking out.

Theo, your Theo had betrayed all of you. He killed Scott. He killed your best friend. How were you supposed to cope with the loss of your brother from another mother? How were you supposed to deal with the fact that your own boyfriend had killed him?

“This is all my fault.” You started pacing around, tugging at your own hair “Stiles was right.”

“Miss....” A nurse approached you carefully “Are you okay?”

You stopped in your tracks and turned around quickly, facing the worried woman. And what a sight you must have been. Hair all over the place, bags under your eyes and tears down your face.

“I…”

“Maybe you should sit down.”

“I just lost my best friend.” When you said the words out loud, it became real.

Scott was dead. Theo killed him. He used you, he used you to get to the pack, to get to Scott. You felt guilty because although you had nothing to do with Scott’s death, his blood was still in your hands. You felt guilty because you went against your brother, your pack. You felt guilty because you should’ve known, the signs were there but you chose to ignore them hoping they were just weird coincidences. You felt guilty because you knew you could’ve prevented what happened and yet you didn’t.

You felt angry because Theo used you. He toyed with your emotions and took advantage of your feelings to get closer to his goal. All the time the two of you spent together, it meant nothing. He was never on your side, he had always been the enemy. You’re not supposed to love the enemy, so why would he love you? You were nothing to him.

“I’m sorry for your loss.” The nurse’s voice brought you back to reality.

“I...This is all my fault.” You shook your head as tears streamed down your face.

“I’m sure it isn’t.” She tried to reassure you.

But little did she know that things were more complicated than she thought. There was so much blood in your hands and you hadn’t killed anyone. If only you had listened to your brother nothing would’ve happened. Scott would still be alive and your father would’ve been okay. You turned your back on everyone for Theo and in the end, he destroyed you like you were nothing. You unlocked your phone to call your brother one more time but you stopped and stared at your lock screen. A picture of you and Theo sleeping on your couch. When you stared at it before it made you smile as you thought about the day when it was taken but after knowing who Theo actually was, it made you want to smash your phone into pieces.

Clenching your jaw, you made a promise to yourself. Theo was going to pay for what he did.

☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆ .。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・

“Are we really doing this?” You asked as you finished pouring mountain ash in front of the door.

“Why? Are you gonna believe what he says again?” Stiles didn't even bother to look up at you.

“What is that supposed to mean? He lied to me too!”

“I warned you about him!” He yelled “I fucking warned you and look at what happened. You let him in, this is all your fault.”

You took a step back like his words had pushed you backwards. Blinking a few tears away you mumbled a small I know. You sat on the stairs and put on Scott's jacket to cover his scent.

A few minutes later Theo walked in with a smirk plastered on his face. He looked down at the mountain ash before crossing it without a care in the world. You exchanged a look with Stiles, knowing that it was probably a bad idea to meet up with Theo.

“I guess we're all telling the truth now.” He looked up at the both of you, still smirking.

“You're the first chimera.” You mumbled feeling your heartbeat rise in your chest.

Another lie

Theo's eyes wandered upstairs where Scott hid so you shrugged off the jacket so that he could see where Scott's scent came from.

“You killed my best friend.” Stiles looked at Theo with anger.

“Let's be honest, Stiles. Was he still really your best friend?”

“Are you going to let my father die?” Stiles changed the subject.

“If I wanted him to die I wouldn't have told you where you could find him.” Theo shrugged.

“Then why are they saying that his body is shutting down?” You clenched your fists when Stiles mentioned your father's condition.

Theo kept smiling like he was one step ahead of all of you. In fact, he was. He had been all along.

“I'm not the bad guy.” Theo shrugged “I'm just a realistic. I'm a survivor.”

You stood up from the steps, fed up with him.

“You're a liar.” For a second you thought you saw hurt flash across his eyes but it was so quick, that you probably imagined it “You're a monster, a failure. You've done nothing but manipulate, kill and destroy everything around you.”

You took a step towards him.

“It's taking every fiber in my body not to kill you right now.”

“Babe, I…” He grabbed one of your hands in both his.

“Don't…” You warned “You don't have the right to call me that anymore.”

“Why? Don't you love me anymore?”

“You lied to me.” You changed the subject because the answer to his question was obvious.

Yes, you still loved him. And you hated yourself for it.

“I didn't lie about everything.” He shook his head, his grip tightening on your hand.

“I don't care.” You clenched your jaw, trying not to break down in tears.

His grip on your hand tightened and it was starting to hurt.

“Theo you’re hurting me.” You tried to pull your hand away from his grasp but it didn’t work.

“Hey, let her go!” Stiles got up and walked up to the two of you trying to pull you away from Theo.

Theo easily pushed him away, as a reflex, with a bit too much force making your brother stumble backwards and fall, his head hit one of the steps, knocking him out.

“Stiles!” You called out.

Theo’s grasp loosened and you escaped, kneeling down next to your brother.

“Stiles, wake up.” You looked up at Theo seeing his glossy eyes and his mouth open like he had something to say.

“I...I don’t know anything about your dad. I’m not lying.” The Theo you were seeing was completely different from the one that walked in “And I...I didn’t lie about my feelings, I love you.”

“You can’t love the enemy.”

You looked down at your brother, trying to spot some blood but luckily there was none. He was going to be okay.

“I’m not the enemy (Y/N), I never was. I’ve done some things wrong but...you have to believe me, we’re on the same side.”

“Get out.” You mumbled, but he heard you loud and clear.

“But…”

“I said get out!” You raised your voice, hoping he’d just leave once and for all “You’ve done enough.”

You stood in the same place and watched him walk backwards towards the door, tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

“I’m so sorry.”

You wanted to go after him, you almost did. But the perpetual fight between your head and your heart had come to an end. As much as you loved Theo even after all he did, you had to walk away and save the ones you love. The rational part of you had won, but then why was your chest aching and your head spinning? Why did it feel like you were doing the wrong thing? Why did you want to go after him and hug him?

That was the moment you realized that loving someone was being weak. Looking back and seeing how much of a mess your life was because you fell in love with Theo, you blamed yourself. With so many handsome boys with blond hair and blue eyes, why did your heart have to choose Theo Raeken? Suddenly, every story about heartache made sense, because suddenly you knew what you had lost and could never get back, your own heart.

Scott rushed downstairs after he made sure that Theo had left. Stiles was starting to wake up and you let out a breath, not knowing you were holding it in.

“This is all my fault Scott, I’m so sorry.”

Stiles groaned making you shift your attention towards your twin.

“Are you okay?” You asked, rushing to his side.

“I’m fine.” He grumbled, pushing Scott’s extended hand away and getting up alone.

“You blacked out.” Scott looked at him concerned.

“I’m okay.” Stiles snapped “Did you get anything from him?”

“He was telling the truth about everything.” Scott looked over at you “He doesn’t know what happened to your dad and…” He trailed off.

“And what?” You asked.

“He does love you (Y/N). He wasn’t lying about that.”

Your eyes wandered out the open door towards the empty street where you had seen Theo disappear a few minutes earlier.

“It’s too late now.”

☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆ .。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・

So it didn’t come as a surprise when Theo got what he deserved. Everyone does, at some point. The hole on the floor swallowed him, his hands desperately trying to reach for something to hold on to. But there was nothing, he was alone. Theo kept yelling yours and Scott’s name and begging for help. Scott reached forward but you grabbed his wrist preventing him from doing anything.

“Let him go.” You tightened your grip on Scott’s wrist and clenched your jaw, your gaze never leaving the screaming teenage boy that cried out for help.

The screaming stopped once he was completely out of sight, the hole on the floor disappeared like it was never there, like the previous minutes had been nothing but an illusion. As silence filled your ears, you couldn’t help but feel nostalgic. For a second, you wanted Theo back, not the Theo that was dragged to Hell but the Theo you met, the good one, the fake one apparently. You wanted to be able to hold his hand, kiss him, hug him one last time. You wanted to go back in time just to feel what it was like to love him without knowing he was evil.

But when angels try to set the world on fire, they’re the ones who end up burning in Hell.

feedback is appreciated :) i’d link my ask box but tumblr is a dick

[brown-rice]

Tagged by @cafe-et-tiramisu for the “Truths Tag” thing  (*・∀-)☆  

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you respond with truths about you and choose 25 people to be tagged.

Tagging @transbakugoukatsuki @rmxstudiojd @leetaliel @kronchip @disney-princess-izuku @bean-paste-man @maytheamazing if you wanna do it.

I wrote so much OTL

Last:

Drink: Earl grey tea + milk

Phone Call: My sister telling me she was outside w/ my boba and food

Text Message: From my new friend Dean asking for help on the lab and about watching Violet Evergarden

Song you listened to: Kyouran Hey Kids!! - The Oral Cigarettes

Time you cried: Uhhhhh Tuesday morning having a meltdown over my midterms :^)

Have you ever:

Dated someone twice: If cheesy middle school romances count, then yeah 

Been cheated on: Hmm, no even tho we were together all but in name

Kissed someone and regretted it: OML YEAH FUCK THAT GUY FROM AX 

Lost someone special: Oh yep, last year I lost a lot of close friends b/c we’d just grown too far apart and they didn’t care about me anymore

Been depressed: /sweats nervously

Been drunk and thrown up: During fam reveal, I went too hard and overdid it, but was also proud b/c my limit is higher than I thought it would be KEK

In the past year have you:

Made a new friend: I made quite a few chill friends from the server and have slowly been making friends here and there at school!

Fallen out of love: I think so, I was in love w/ my childhood friend for a long amount of time, but I feel alright about it now 

Met someone who changed you?: I don’t think I’ve met just one person who changed me since the “me” now is a culmination of my experiences/interactions w/ a lot of people

Found out who your true friends are: Sort of, although a little unfortunately haha. I’m thankful for those that did stick by me, but it resulted in me realizing that some people I thought would be a “true friend” were just taking advantage of me. srry im still a little salty/bitter abt this but im working thru it

Found out someone was talking about you: Yeah? Past hs me would have been really mad about it, but current me doesn’t care enough lol

General:

How many people on tumblr do you know in real life?: I know quite a few friends from band and high school, my server friends (who I’ve seen in pics or have heard in calls), and mutuals I’ve messaged

Do you have any pets?: YES I LOVE MY DOG HACHI, we also have a lot of fish in tanks and the koi pond back home. By extension, my roommate’s cat Sake is pretty much my cat now huehueh

Do you want to change your name?: Nope, I’ve never been much fixated on it besides how long my full name is

What time did you wake up this morning?: I technically didn’t sleep since I was studying for my ochem midterm and i got my ass handed to me in test form anyway

What were you doing last night?: procrastinating, lab hw, and studying for ochem

Name something you cannot wait for: On a smaller scale: AX. Long term: I just wanna be out of school, in a job that I kinda like and is stable enough so that I can commission all my friends and finally have a place of my own that I can decorate and call home without feeling lonely or suffocated 

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: My brother-in-law’s name is Tom haha

What’s getting on your nerves right now?: Mainly classes and school since I still feel wrong about my career path, I had to drop a class, and my anal chem lab is frustrating the shit out of me. I miss cc

Blood type: I’m pretty sure it’s O+, but it could be O-

Nickname: Besides “Steph,” I’ve had a lot of nicknames over the years. Memorable ones are Stephie/Stephy, Steve, Vending Machine, Beanie Head, and “mom.” Neko and Mocha told me to add “daddy” and I die a little inside

Relationship status: Single and don’t really care to mingle LMAO

Zodiac sign: Ox and Cancer w/ Gemini ascendant 

Pronouns: She/her, but don’t mind they/them

Favorite show: If we’re talking actual TV then Friends, B99, ATLA, Chopped, Voltron, Gravity Falls, and Danny Phantom. If it’s anime then /sweats as I look at all these shows 

College: Transfer student from Mt. Sac now going to UCSD and i wanna mcfuckin die ayyy lmao

Hair color: It’s dark brown/black w/ light brown where the sun hits

Do you have a crush on someone?: Currently no, but I am low key flirting with Dean oops

What do you like about yourself?: Maybe the fact that it’s very hard to make me legit mad, but beyond that /sweats profusely

Firsts:

First surgery: Unless wisdom teeth removal counts, none yet

First Piercing: My mom got my ears pierced when I was like 1

First sport you joined: I think I took karate for a little in 4th grade?? I joined tennis and marching band at the same time officially in 8th grade

First vacation: Hmmm, I think I remember one of the first things we did when we came to America was go to Disneyland

First pair of sneakers: Oddly enough I remember my little slip-on Sketchers that were purple and white with pink, purple, and blue flowers

Right now:

Eating: Dino nuggets /w bbq sauce, and I might make some noodles b/c I’m still so hungry oml

Drinking: A fresh cup of early grey + milk

Listening to: Whatever’s playing in the DJ booth, which is Reach You - Sako Tomohisa

Want kids?: At some point yeah, I’m also pretty sure I’m gonna adopt at least 1 kid whether I have my own or not

Get married?: Maybe. That’s a problem for future me, but if I happen to meet someone(s) good for me, then sure

Career: After bouncing around a bit, I think I’ve settled into chemistry for forensics w/ specialization in pharmacology and toxicology. It still doesn’t feel quite right to me, but it’s the best I’ve got

Which is better?:

Lips or eyes?: Eyes, since I think eye contact can tell you a lot about a person

Hugs or kisses?: Hugs, but I’m big on personal space and barely accept hugs from even my closest friends, plus there’s some weird belief that I don’t like hugs?? and idk where that came from

Shorter or taller: I oddly like being the shortest person in a group?? So I prefer if people are taller than me

Troublemaker or hesitant: Troublemaker, I really can’t stand it when people are super hesitant or can’t make decisions. I’m rly tired of having to make decisions all the time

Romantic or spontaneous: Both, but I think I lean a little more towards spontaneity since I’m a person who likes careful planning. Romance is whatever for me, so I’d rather have someone push me to be a little more spontaneous

Sensitive or loud: A balance of both would be preferable, but if I had to pick, then loud. I’m a lot more introverted than I was before and prefer if people are a little more extroverted than I am but have a level of chill where silences are comfortable

Hookup or relationship?: Relationship. I don’t really do hookups. I know I could, and I’ve been asked to before, but I’m not really big on sex

Have you ever:

Kissed a stranger: Technically AX boy counts b/c I met him 2 days before we made out lmao

Drank hard liquor: Yeah, but I’m not super big on drinking and just enjoy a smirnoff ice/mike’s hard every so often

Lost contacts/glasses: Nope, surprisingly I haven’t lost my glasses yet

Sex on first date: Likely never, they’d have to be someone who I mesh with super well for that to happen

Broken someone’s heart: A few yeah. Apparently I broke my friend’s roommate so bad that every time he’d drink he’d just talk about how I was the one who got away

Been arrested: Not yet

Turned someone down: /sweats Yeah, a lot. I don’t mean this in a bragging way, because I always feel ridiculously bad about it, but my friends joke about me being “unattainable” and a heart-breaker all the time _(:3」∠)_

Fallen for a friend: I’ve only ever fallen for close friends oops

Do you believe:

In yourself?: Not at all

Love at first sight?: I think it’s out there, just not for me

[airagorncharda]

I had top surgery yesterday! 

update below the cut!

I seem to be fine every time I’m awake, although I’m napping a LOT (a good thing).

They had to intubate me for the surgery, so my throat’s a little sore, and my sides are sore, especially where the drains are in, but I’m already off the oxi (it was making me nauseous) and onto Tylenol and Advil, taking as prescribed. 

My post from a few days ago had a bunch of concerns and excitements, so here’s an update:

Issue #1 - my parents being at the hospital WAS stressful but also good. They asked a lot of questions but they also got a lot of answers that seemed to ease their minds, and they were able to be helpful when I was coming out of it. 

Issue #2 - I had to be very very clear with the Dr (Dr Pranay Parikh) that retaining nipple sensation was such a priority for me. He indicated right before the surgery that in order to do that I might end up with a B cup, aka it would be more of a reduction than a removal, which I was pretty stressed and sad about. But I communicated what my priorities were (nipple sensation, passing WHILE CLOTHED, not having breasts anymore) and he really listened. 

And then the surgery went absolutely perfectly apparently, and as far as I can tell my chest LOOKS how I wanted AND I kept sensitivity, so I’m just over the moon about how this has gone. Literally everything I wanted. 

Issue #3 - I still can’t cuddle my cats but my fiance has been holding the up for me to pet them and give them kisses a couple times, and the one that usually spends most of her time in our room is hanging out in here on a leash so she can’t get too close but also isn’t being exiled or feeling unloved It’s good.

Issue #4 - The Dr was really good about not assuming pronouns or anything, which was a relief. I do USE he/him pronouns, but the repetition of “No assumptions!” from him made me feel like I COULD have told him I’m nonbinary without it being an issue.

My fiance’s mom did say something like “Now you’re a man!!” which was a little frustrating, but she’s a lady who’s very supportive and was trying to say the right thing so... her heart’s in the right place at least. I think out of anyone saying it, I’m least bothered by it being her, because I know what she was trying to say. Other people saying the same thing would have felt like they were saying that transition makes gender, or that I must be binary, but from her it was just her fumbling over how to say “this is what you wanted!! :)” so it’s whatever.

Issue #5 - Too early to have any opinions or updates about this one yet.

Issue #6 - Still true, but only a mild annoyance. I’m not sure I COULD draw like this anyway.

Issue #7 - I was NOT given laughing gas, so this was not an issue! I remember them telling me that they gave me stuff to knock me out, and I gave a thumbs up, and then I woke up a few hours later with no breasts!

Issue #8 - I decided not to wear anything, and I’ve just been sitting on a red towel, and it’s way less stress and has not been a problem. 

Excitement #1 - No fucking breasts, holy shit! I don’t have a lot to say about this yet other than that it already feels better not to have them, even while I have drains in, and a weird compression binder on, and gauze pads all over my chest, etc. I can already fit better into this button up shirt (IF YOU HAVE TOP SURGERY: WEAR A LOOSE BUTTON UP SHIRT, IT WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE), and I already feel so much relief just from not seeing them when I look down.

Excitement #2 - I mean I’ve been napping constantly, but I have to sleep on my back for now, so I don’t have an update on the dysphoria sleep yet. I’m pretty certain it’s not going to be a thing anymore though. 

Excitement #3 - No updates yet on passing publicly, obviously.

Excitement #4 - Same with this, although they haven’t misgendered me once in the past couple days so maybe the surgery being a reality has already had the desired effect from my parents.

Excitement #5 - No spooning yet, I gotta sleep on my back for now.

Excitement #6 - No swimming yet, lol

Excitement #7 - I haven’t yet, but I’m honestly excited to get photos of myself in this state the next time I get my binder off to get checked. Y’all might get to see what I look like post surgery, which is admittedly A Wreck, but I’m excited about it.

Excitement #8 - I love blue jello and my parents are bringing over mashed potatoes. Also, I never realized that stop-and-shop brand ginger ale actually tastes different from other brands? I think it’s got less ginger in it. And maybe, like, a little vanilla? Anyway, my parents bought the stop and shop brand, and it’s weird.

Excitement #9 - Mostly so far I’ve been playing animal crossing on my phone between naps, but I’m looking forward to games and movies.

Thing #1 - Originally I had to be there for 10:30 for a noon appointment. Then they called and informed me I had to be there at 8:15 for a 9:45 appointment. Then when my fiance and I were IN THE CAR on the WAY TO THE HOSPITAL they called me and asked where I was?? Apparently there was a clerical error so they thought my surgery was scheduled for 8:45 instead of 9:45? Anyway it didn’t end up being a problem but it was stressful.

Thing #2 - This plan has worked out very well so far, with my parents doing grocery shopping while my fiance takes care of me. A++ plan, going great.

Thing #3 - I’m UP AND AWAKE AND GONNA PLAY DnD YEAHHHHH!!! I’m very pleased about this. 

Thing #4 - Not relevant yet, though I suspect I will be able to spend at least some time downstairs. 

Other things:

I threw up a few times the first day, but it was weirdly not uncomfortable? It looked sort of clear black (possibly from medicine from the intubation, or stomach acid, or a trick of my eyes, idk, but it was just ginger ale going down, and then ginger ale coming back up. I HATE throwing up but this wasn’t really a stomach heaving or bile tasting experience. It was just... liquid down? Liquid back up. So even though vomiting is horrible, it wasn’t that bad.

The first time I was supposed to pee in the hospital after the surgery, I sat on the toilet for like ten minutes or something before I was able to pee. I have no idea what causes that, because I FELT like I had to and was just about to for the whole time, and finally I pressed a little gently on my belly and it happened? It was weird, but also I know that’s common.

I had a Health Care Proxy form, labeling my parents as my health care proxy’s (if I were unfit to make medical decisions, they would do it for me), but I needed it to be witnessed, and I was stressing a little about it. Apparently that’s super common because they were ready to have the nurses witness it for me, and there was no need for stress.

Taking the binder off makes everything sore and makes me feel totally woozy every time. Less so after a day, but still true. Every time it comes off it’s an Experience. 

When I first started feeling woozy, I told the nurse, and she broke open a little pad with rubbing alcohol on it (like a tiny wet wipe) and held it under my nose, and it COMPLETELY FIXED the woozy feeling. She said it doesn’t help for everybody, but it often does, and it’s a neat trick. And I’ve been using it ever since and BOY HOWDY it sure is a neat fucking trick. Sniff The Rubbing Alcohol = woozy be gone!

I keep forgetting not to reach up and adjust my pillow or scratch my head, and it pulls at stuff and gives me Regrets, but other than THAT I’m surprisingly fine?? I expected to be way more out of it, because I think that’s more common.

Wedge pillows are a godsend, even though I keep slipping down them.

Different doctors have different rules about this, but mine said I can shower tomorrow even though I’ll have the drains in for a full week-- I just have to be careful of the drains. 

I’m gonna tape my hospital bracelet into my notebook.

Honestly the worst part of this whole thing has been that the novacane they put in my sides made my fingers feel like they’d been asleep and were waking up. You know that feeling when a body part falls asleep and is waking up and if somebody touches it it’s Tingly Agony? Both of my thumbs, index fingers, and middle fingers were that. Constantly. For 24 hours. Tingly Fingers is apparently The Worst.

I’ve been lying in bed on two wedge pillows with my regular pillow behind my head (and adding two big pillows as needed when I want to sit up straighter), wearing the binder they gave me and a pajama top, on a towel. No underwear because fuck it. And right now my fiance has set up the lap table with my laptop on it for me in bed so I don’t have to do or lift anything in order to be able to write this.

Sounds like my parents just dropped off the mashed potatoes. 

All is going well!