#if i cant go bc of school ill kms

[hazardsoflove]

john darnielle heard me complaining about how the mountain goats weren’t playing a local show on their tour despite us living in the same area and added a show at my favorite venue. i smiled

[nomairuins]

and also it doesnt even matter if i miraculously get a job tmrw bc we don't have a car . and im too out of shape to walk anywhere bc everything is far away . so i genuinely dont jnow what to do

[oars]

after this year im gonna be broke! and i have no skills and im stupid! im cooked its over!!

[diobrando]

Submitted the first assignment of this semester late 😚✌

[borderline-culture-is]

(Long vent that may mot be ordered right or make sense bc im tired rn)

I’m so fucking done with this life tbh. Like from the bottom of my heart. I wish i can kill myself but im too scared. Thats that damn problem though, im still forcing myself to suffer because im a coward, i cant even make ip my mind to end it. I cant get therapy, or any type of medication because my parents dont care enough to notice even tho my symptoms are very bad. and even when i become an adult, id probably not be able to. I have no dreams for the future, i have no money, nothing. ill probably have to live with them for way longer. And im still not going to be able to kms ofc, im going to live very long and THATS THE PROBLEM. I cant fucking tell snyone irl about my mental issues because im too ashamed. In fact, im so fucking embarrassed that i fake a personality everyday to make myself as perfect as possible. Everyone thinks im really nice, kind, and patient. When in fact im really a fucking shitty person who just pretends to be cool and shit. All because im too fucking embarrassed to admit im mentally ill. How could anyone like me for who i actually am?? Hell, I cant even admit im autistic, even though its nothing to be ashamed of. I just know my parents will laugh at me and id rather die than hear it from them

Im at my fucking limits everyday, and im tired all the time even if notbing even happened. I have anxiety attacks weekly for no reason at all, and no one knows. I hate being this good at masking.

I cry in my room all the time, and sometimes i have to force myself to let it out because im so numb. I hate it when im breaking down and my parents are in the kitchen laughing and enjoying themsleves like its just another day.

I feel so apathetic and nihlisitic. I have felt lonely my entire life because i cant relate to anyone. I know people only like the person they see on the surface, not the person i am inside

Ive told many people online about my issues, and i dont know if its not helping much or im too numb to feel any good emotions. But either way, ive realised that it might hurt me too. Im just normalising living this way more because im able to vent to people without actually getting any professional help. And this is just one out of the billions of unhealthy coping mechanisms i have. But i have no other choice. I need to cope somehow because i cant get treatment, and if these mechanisms dont work, i need to try harder and make myself more ill. Its not like i can be fixed anymore, so oh fucking well.

yesterday, my parents confronted me abt how i always looked tired, they asked me if i was being bullied at school. That pissed me off. Why?? Have they ever took the time to realise they maybe theyre the ones causing it?? No, i am not being bullied, and the only reason for that is my good masking skills. Do i need to get bullied to be ill enough? Am i still not bad enough for you to care??

-🌟

.

[krviiror]

!! An@ diaries ˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡

28 August 2024, 11:44 pm.

• trying to fast as much as possible..

• alternating between fasting n 300 cals max (volleyball)a day /week

Goal day reach:: 1st October 2024.

Goals::

˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚Day 1...

September 1st,2024

• umm so.. my unlucky ass got my period the day after I was gonna start fasting 😞

When I get my period it's so hard for me to not binge because I start craving food even if I'm not hungry so I binged the whole day and failed ... Tomorrow ill try to fast since my period never affects me on the 4th day !! And it's also Monday so I find it easier for me to "schedule" my fasting and omad yk😓 but anyways I'll try do to my best to prevent myself from eating and since school started its been getting much more easier since im busy the whole day,yippie!!! But anyways bye babes I'll update tmr!🤗

˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚ Day 2...

September 2th,2024

• ok so..Today there was no school because it was Labor Day! So preventing myself to eat was a lil harder😓 But I guess I did ok today! For breakfast at around 8:45am I had 2 croissants which I had NO idea it was almost 300 CALORIES EACH. So I def had a lil moment of regret after eating it🤗🤗 but it's wtv I guess🙄 luckily I was occupied for the rest of the day deep cleaning my room so I didn't eat anything except chew on sugar free gum😛

at around 2:30 I went to play beach volleyball with my friends which we played for like 4 hours straight so I ended up burning most of the cals I got from the croissants!!! After we got tired we went dep and I tried monster for the first time!! It was the white sugar free one and it was only 10 cals so I was very happy abt that!! I didn't really like the flavor tbh.. but it's still a good "safe food" when I'm eating less than 300 cals ! After that I walked home so I was able to burn a lil more calories and my mom made pasta so I had a plate! And that's all for today🤭

Since tmr I'm going back to school I'll be able to fast/ eat less than 300cals for the week! That's all goodnight guys!:)

˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚Day 3...

September 3th,2024

... I actually wanna kms😞

So I had volleyball tryouts/practice today and I had this plan to only eat a small meal for lunch so I can atleast have some energy for volley... and that's what I did! I had one hotdogs which was able to fill me up for the day and I was able to burn it all out during volleyball! So I decided to starve for the rest of the afternoon and when I came home my freaking brother bought like a whole ass feast for the both of us and I was trying sooooo hard to resist but I felt bad bc he used his miney and he's always so kind to me and I couldn't lie to him bc ik he knows yk😞 so my fatass ate a freaking cake and shawarma thinking if I drank a 100 cal smoothie during it would make a difference but no it did not🤬🤬 u honestly feel so guilty and disgusting bc I just CANNOT PREVENT MYSELF FROM EATING. AS HARD AS I TRY I JUST CANT I END UO GIVING IN☹️☹️ and I'm honestly so done with saying "oh I'm gonna fast the whole day tmr I won't eat anything and catch up" like no girl why you lying😞 please if u guys have tips to avoid and YK HOW I FEEL PLEASEEE HELP A GIRL OUT💔💔

[needzoju]

tumblr diary entry 1 ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

i created a tumblr account for thinspo but still continue to eat/binge. i feel really bad for being the way i am and want to write it down somewhere. i decided to do it here. im gonna write an intro so that maybe in the future when i become a better version of myself i can look back and laugh and be proud of myself.

im currently 14 (9th grade) 5'7 and 112kg

i have depression and anxiety. not sure if i have an ed or insomnia or anything else but i do know theres something wrong with my brain chemistry.

ive been feeling very down lately and s**cidal also very guilty abt how much ive been eating. i would casually use laxatives if i saw the number go up on the scale or if i binged. ive tried throwing up but have only been successful once in the shower. ive realized that these past 4 years i havent gotten better mentally or physically and that really makes me feel ashamed to live. i really wish i could just become sayori.

i genuinely hate myself and even when i try to think positively i end up hating myself a little bit more. not sure what else to write because like therapy my mind is blank. is that normal ....i will have THE WORST TIME OF MY LIFE EVERRRRYRRTTRTTTT then go to therapy and im just like "ehhh its been bad but idk...?!' like ...im not quite sure how to word it but i guess i just want to be ....idk i have orientation tomorrow and im so scared bc i think with an ed comes worsened anxiety. every where i go i dont want to eat and if i do when im done i just think "damn this is what people on my 600 pound life do- feel bad eating in public." i also just stare at peoples body and wish i looked as thin as them. and i fel like everyone can tell ive gained weight but cant tell that 50% i starve restrict and exercise a lot and the other 50% i overeat binge and only get 4k steps in. idkkk im gonna go to sleep bc i need to be there from 9am to 1pm but ive been waking up at 9 sorry for typing so much. also sent $9 from my grandmas cashapp to mine and she found out oopps sorry i just cant go to school without music. thats also the only time ive used her money for something and someone got her card info so she thought i was the one who did that too whatever ill just keep wanting to kms.

(to me this really isnt a intro ill try to do a proper one next time bc i feel like it)

[plaguethewaters]

(under cut bc long useless rant ig)

i am so tired and it makes no damn fucking sense. oh boohoo poor baby had to actually go to school and study today, what a sad little thing its suffering soso much. i am pathetic.

i feel like i am actively regressing and i fear what kind of conditions ill live in the future. if this is what hg does to me, what of university? what kf work? i have been going on purely by luck and whatever little effort i put in, which i apparently cant fucking do anymore. the luck will run out soon too im sure.

i read one (1) page today, didnt nanage anything else but to get depressed ans do fucking shit at drivers ed. I know logically this shit is all fucking useless that in ten, five shit even in like six fucking months none of this will matter anymore. every single problem i have rifht now is so goddamn inconsequential and its ruining my life. I cant even fucking. idk. ask for help for it.

"i cant do homework today bc im glued to my phone reading things that make me even sadder and make me want to study less. btw these things are sososo useless and woll literally not affect my life at all a month into the future. i know exactlt what is wrong with ne and yet i continue again and again bc im a fucked up person destined to destroy my life." like who would even listen to this. my friends have got real fucking problema and i Cannot bother them with this.

i tried reddit once bc i figured the fucking redditors could judge me all that much, that id get simpathy at least, and even the shitty people of that site told me i should grow up and get the fuck over it. Idk. Idk. sometimes i wish my luck ran out fr so someone will finally get me help but also if i fail this year i dont know what i will do.

kinda wish someone wouldve noticed earlier, that i could be on some pill or other to fix this shit of a brain. Kinda wish id been born normaler - bc im not neurodivergent but also cant fucking seem to cope with things the way everyone else is

whatever. this is teenage angst anyway, someone in the future (or like. rn idk) will look at it and laugh. as they should bc this is just a pathetic laughable pity party im throwing out here - not even for attention. km tired.

[jazuthevulcanprincess]

i wanna kms so so bad so bad i can't stop thinking abt hurting myself i just cant do anything

my body hurts so fucking bad i spent all night crying bc my mom is drinking and imploding and weaponizes her incompetence to make me take care of everything she cant ever handle doing anything on her own but she acts like she doesnt do that

she doesnt understand how her flipping out over every inconvenience and not being able to self sooth and problem solve like an adult hurts me and makes me have to step in to solve it

and she has the audacity to say I chose her as my mothet i chose to be born to her what fucking utter bullshit

im only here with her so i can go to college bc i cant work and do school at the same time, and i cant afford my own life and i struggle not to kill myself at every job ive worked at

im so spoiled and stupid and worthless and fat and ugly and how could anyone ever love me like this, but I cant do any better i dont know how

im not gonna make it thru university i know it, she is gonna keep wearing me down anyway

i cant even read anything for studying i cant get my brain to focus i just keep crying i wish i could leave and take care of myself only

she will never stop using me for her comfort and making me take care of logistics and bills bc she will fuck it up bc she doesnt know how and doesnt want to learn or improve or stop drinking or take responsibility for anything shes ever done wrong in her life

im going to do no better. ive got no future. i cant even go to school how can i work?

ive been trykng to study for 3 days and i keep having to solve some problem or im just unable to read anything, took me 4 hours to do one homework yesterday bc i kept rereading the same lines over and over bc they didnt make sense, it was like pulling teeth to understand anything

and then i got the xmas tree and i had to find it cut it move it set it up etc and clean and whatever and my back and body hurt so badly bc im an out of shape lazy fat fuck who is too scared to excercise in public where people can see me but i also wont excercise indoors bc i hate floor routines i only like walking or ice skating

yoga hurts everything i do hurts and im too much of a weak coward to try to do a single fucking thing

theres nothing worth living for anyway i cant afford anything climate change is making everything worse people are cheering for genocide and capitalism will never leave and ill end up on the streets killing myself anyway so why bother

i cant relax and be vulnerable with anothe human being either so ill always be alone since i dont see that changing anytime soon

and my heart is constantly skipping anyway so ill probably have a heart attack in a few years or get lung cancer since i vaped for a year and have smoked weed for many more years

im a burden to everyone ive ever met including my mother so what the fuck is the point anyway

im only alive to take care of my cats and i cant even do that

[cherumie]

.

[foggybrainedloser]

ADHD things that have fucked with me over the years

the idea i have and cant get rid of that my brain can run out of room and that i have to focus more on schoolwork than learning abt hobbies bc if i take up too much “room” on hobbies then i wont have “room” for school

getting an amazing, SHOWSTOPPING idea that ive never thought of before and going to write it down then instantly forgetting

being told that “everyones a LITTLE adhd ✨🥰” therefore watering down the struggles adhd people have to go through daily and making me feel like my feelings arent valid

feeling like a foggy brained loser (x3)(that was a ref to my username lol)

feeling bad and hating myself for being physically incapable of paying attention to a conversation or someone speaking bc my brain decides its Not Relevant

having everyone tell me im not REALLY disabled bc their dad has adhd and hes fine!! as if its not a spectrum and is also affected by other mental illnesses

being told repeatedly im too loud and making me feel like its better if i just dont speak

rejection sensitive dysphoria is a fuck up bc ion wanna sound manipulative by telling people that them criticizing me or telling me something i did was bad made me wanna kms but it DID i cant HELP IT

tics and stims being told to society that theyre only an autism thing when they are very much not just an autism thing!! adhd people and autistic people most commonly stim, and adhd people can get tics! (u can also tic or stim if u have other disorders, do research on ur disorder n ticcing/stimming if ur interested in dat)

oooh the CONSTANT people telling me how annoying my tics and stims are when it hurts to stop. like i get it if its bothering u but dont be mean “ur pen clicking is SO ANNOYING” yea its annoying me too leila i cant help it

having ppl use the r slur against u ur whole life then having ppl try to tell u ur not allowed to say it bc ur not rlly disabled x3

how hard it is to get proper treatment and medication and an IEP because of how many people pretend to have adhd to cheat on tests and get adderall and ritalin bc its “easy to fake”

feel free to add more

[electraheart2012]

im literally so tired i dont want to get up and go to school tomorrow but i cant stop going because the stakes are too high bc ill kms if we go back into lockdown after me spending a week bunking off

[slippery-minghus]

i'm short and fat. so fat that i won't look professional in "professional clothes". because i can't look professional, i won't be able to get a good job. because i wont be able to get a good job, i won't be able to afford more than the bare minimum. because i wont be able to afford more than the bare minimum i won't be able to afford my current medications or go on psych meds so that i can be healthy. because i am not/wont be healthy i don't have the energy/ability to cook healthy meals or clean up after them. because i am unable to cook and clean up after healthy meals i feel unable to eat at all, because if i'm going to eat i have to pick the healthiest option. and because the healthiest option is not easily available my brain would rather have me starve.

because my brain is unable to expend the short term energy to cook and clean for healthy meals (or at least something other than top ramen or a bowl of minute rice) it seems to think that literally relapsing on my eating disorder is the easier course of action. because i for some reason can't make myself eat junk food, even if it means not eating otherwise. my brain is just like "HAHA FUCK YOU. SUCKS TO SUCK." and decides that spending the forseeable future spending every ounce of energy obsessing about food is easier than spending >10 minutes washing some fucking dishes!!! i want to fucking die!!!

[i-dont-know-nor-care-go-away]

me: *is out of school and trying to recover from depression and ed n shit*

my (lo key bad n toxic) friends:

(friend *threatens suicide and tells me to kms too* )

🤝🤝🤝triggering me and relying on me for support I can't really give🤝🤝🤝🤝

(other friend *asks for help starving themself*)

yes I know that I should be supportive but I'm so fucking tired and more mentally ill than them. I understand it's not a competition but I'm venting shut up. like, bro no. 1 is threating suicide and then when I say "hey what about my mental health is that a reason to live?" basically says I should kms. he knows I'm also mentally ill, he meant it. ik it's because he thinks death is good for him and it would be good for me or whatever but shit still hurt. then my other friend makes it worse and then I have to tell her shut up then I have to tell her to not get an eating disorder and she's like ur a role model. BITCH IM IN THE SAME GRADE??? HOW DO YOU LOOK AT MY ED?? THEN SAY ITS A GOOD THNG?? TO MY FACE???? LIKE I HAVE ONE, YOU KNOW IT, YOU ASK ME FOR ADVICE TO STAVR URSELF AND THEN ACT LIKE ITS A GOOD THING???? AND THEN BLAME IT ON THE FACT ANOTHER DUDE IS TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF??? I UNDERSTAND UR FRUCKED UP BUT IM DEALING WITH THAT THIS COULDNT HAVE WAITED 1 FUCKNG DAY??? I KNOW YOU NEED COMFORT BUT PLEASE IM SO FUCKING TIRED I LIVE IN A ABUSIVE HOME (YOU DONT! STOP ACTING LIKE SHITTY PARENTS ARE AS BAD AS ABUSIVE ITS NOT THE SAME THNG) AND AM TRYNG TO KEEP SOMEONE ELSE ALIVE JUST WAIT A DAY PLEASE. IM SO TIRED OF HURTING SO BAD AND HAVING TO COMFORT PEOPLE THAT ARE BETTER AND DONT ACCEPT HELP AND JUST MAKE ME COMFORT THEM. I UNDERSTND THEY HAVE NO ONE ELSE BUT LET ME BE MAD 4 A MOMENT IDGAF ABOUT POLITICAL CORRECTNESS RN. I KNOW YOU WANT TO BE COMFORTED EVEN IF IT DOESNT HELP BUT IM DEALING WITH MY ABUSIVE MOM AND DADS SHIT, MY OWN VERY BAD SHIT, AND OTHER PEOPLES SHIT AND YOU GUYS CANT HAVE SOME FUCKNG DECENT TO ME?? I CANT HELP YOU IF YOU EXPECT ME TO DO ALL THE WORK IM TOO FUCKING TIRED FOR THAT EVEN IF IM WILLNG. THIS IS WHY I DONT WANT FRIENDS. I DONT RELY ON PEOPLE SO WHY DO THEY RELY ON ME?? GOD ITS SUMMER I JUST WANT TO RELAX BUT MY MOM SUCKS AND IM DYING ON THE INSIDE AND I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF 2 OTHER MENTALLY ILL BITVHES??? AND I CALLED THE SUICIALD BITCH'S SISTER AND TRIED TO DM HER AND SHE DOESNT PICK UP OR GIVE A SHIT!! GIRL UR BROTHER IS SUICIDAL PICK UP THE GODDAMED CALL. HE HAS A FUCKNG ROPE AND PLAN. GOD UR SO STUID. EVERYONE COMES TO ME AND VENTS BC IM "WORSE THAN THEM" AND UNDERSTAND. LIKEN IF IM WORSE THEN YOU WHY DO YOU COME TO ME??? IT FUCKING SUCK IM NOT A GODDAMED THERPIST. I CANT DEAL WITH CRYNG AT THIS POINT. I CANT CRY OR BE AROUND CRYING PEOPLE BECAUSE ITS TRIGGERUNG AND I HAVE TRUAMA ABOUT IT. IM TOO TIRED TO BE NICE OR KIND AT THIS POINT, ITS JUST TOO FUCKNG MUCH. I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE I HATE THIS. HEGAGWHAGDGSGAGAGAGAGS WHY CANT PEOPLE NOT RELY ON MY FOR EVERY LITTLE PROBLEM THEY HAVE?? YES I KNOW WHAT UR GOING THRU BC IT WAS WORSE FOR ME. ITS TRIGGERINF AND I CANT HELP U BC IM TRYING TO HELP MYSELF

[haemosexuality]

k no im sorry rant/vent time 👍 related to the post i reblogged before this

see i genuinely think i can be smart. like fuck i basically learned and became fluent in english all on my own. i learned how to read and write faster than other kids in my class did. when i was younger i could tell you everything about how the universe and stars and black holes worked. before all the weird equations i was great at science when i wanted to be. the thing i struggle with the most is math, and even that i could get high grades in if someone could take the time to explain it to me differently, for a little bit longer and with more attention than the teacher did. etc etc. there probably could have been other areas id be great at,

problem is when i was 11 i had to take one or two months off bc i was literally dying and that put me behind class a bit but no biggie, i could recover from that,

but then when i was 12 i got ⭐depressed⭐ bc i had Way too much going on, and it was around the same time school started to get harder, and i couldnt sleep at night so i slept at class and i couldn't pay attention and oh fuck im way behind and my grades are going down and now im crying in the school bathroom bc i cant fucking do math and the teachers look at like im a lost cause and wonder what happened to the smart girl i was last year.

and then by age 13 it wasnt getting better and honestly i couldnt tell you exactly what happened bc i have no idea that year is a blur,

and by age 14 i was in a new school where everyone was like rich and Holier Than Thou and all my old friends went to another place and all the teachers decided in the beginning that i was a lazy stupid rebel student and i completely gave up on school bc i Was stupid, wasnt i? whats even the point of trying if im not gonna get it. im too busy trying to not kms, or trying to keep my friend from not khs, and i dont fucking have Time for this shit

and by age 15, the year i started highchool (in brazil it starts on what would be sophomore year, one year after the us) and promised myself i would actually try bc i was in another new school, the world got hit with a fucking pandemic and i was like yeah no i know im not gonna learn anything with online classes even if i wanted to and theres Too much going on for me to be able to try because again the entire world is dying, so i just didn't go to class that entire year

and this year at 16 i told myself yet again i would actually try only to realize that i cant find the motivation to do anything and all those years of not being able to care amounted and now i dont know how to study and there seems to be a lot of things that are Common Knowledge that i never learned and cant Fucking Do Math and even if i did go to class i would just be lost bc theres no way i can just will myself into learning years of lost classes. and im never gonna recover all that. and i probably have an undiagnosed learning disability/adhd/some other form or neurodivergency. and im the haha im so stupid friend because "i dont care it doesnt affect me at all the school system is dumb and not made for me and it obviously doesnt define me so i shouldn't care why am i so upset"

so now ill probably drop out. bc at one point years ago i was struggling and got a low number on a piece of paper that somehow dictated how intelligent i was.

the school system cares more about punishing you if youre mentally ill and not able to perfectly memorize eveything they throw at you than it cares about teaching you. all it does is traumatize you and ruin you for maybe needing an extra help sometimes. its designed to overlook your needs and make you fail. and i fucking despise it

[langstexmachina]

yoyoyo

so im planning on writing a chaptered fic and i went to go make an account on ao3 bc what self respecting vld fic writer doesnt publish on ao3? but guess what i learned

Y O U   C A N T   J U S T   M A K E   A N   A O 3   A C C O U N T

so now im going to have to wait until the twenty-seventh so i can receive an invite to join kms but im not mad im actually super psyched.

im doing that orchestra headcannon that i had the other day so theres that

also this is going to be my first long fic that hopefully doesnt crash and burn like my other ones have mostly because im excited to write this one. i think thats the difference. like yeah when i was writing mcr i was excited bc who doesnt love gerard way? but this is the first fic that ive tried to write that im able to relate to completely. with my other long ones i only tried to write something that i thought i would enjoy reading which could have been divided into a few very distinct categories back in the day:

suicidal teen fem boy in distress

mental illness (mostly but not limited to depression and schizophrenia)

abuse (parental or relationship)

questioning gender identity/ gay in an intolerant household etc

or that shit where two people just couldnt communicate and they ended up going round and round through the same tedious problems and its the same plot told over and over and it literally never ended (looking at you amanda todd. After literally was my middle school everything but rereading it is literal torture. i hope your editor straightened that out when you published it oops)

SO thats what i had been working with and like dont get me wrong- it literally was what i was hella into when i was a kid. i loved reading about the fem boy who wanted to kill himself but met the boy of his dreams and flushed all of his blades. those fics about schizophrenia and stuff got me into psychology- something that i am now genuinely interested in majoring in. i still live for that gay shit. and number five was actual shit that i cant stand anymore but thats fine because we all grow up and change and are less problematic pieces of shit who no longer romanticize depression and suicide

(((side bar))) 

there is a difference between romanticizing depression, suicide etc. and using it in character development. i am a firm believer in the idea that we can and most definitely should talk about mental disorders in our writing. you dont need to be a medical professional to make a statement on depression, bpd, did, or any other disorder out there. you dont have to be experiencing a disorder to talk about it. hell i dont want anyone to go through that kind of pain man. but its totally important to integrate it into our media. especially today when everyone with a mental disorder suddenly has a thirst for blood and should be detained in mental asylums so they never hurt anyone in our perfect society!!!1!

i believe that society, today especially, has this innate need to separate themselves from anything  that isnt conventionally “normal”. they do this by dehumanizing anyone that they dont understand. then pinning them as the scapegoat in many situations

ie recently with mass shootings. instead of focusing on the obvious, literal weapon that is the genuine issue- the news turns focus and immediately- before anything was even verified- states that the shooter was a teen with a mental illness which sparked talk of opening homes to detain and keep “troubled teens” instead of focusing on the problem of the actual weapon that is actually killing actual people.

(((side-er bar)))

no i dont think we should take guns away completely. that would be stupid. in america? that shit would never get passed. but i do think other countries have it right. give people guns and regulate ammunition. anytime somebody wants to buy more ammo, they have to return the old magazine. this keeps people from stockpiling- drastically cutting down on mass shootings like the tragedy in florida

(which by the way i am totally urging everyone in school to participate in the walk out on the fourteenth. im not allowed to because my school will suspend me and i cant do that (mom’s words not mine) but if your school is in support of it or you dont mind taking the risk please please participate in the walk for our lives)

BUT ANYWAY BACK TO THE POINT AFTER A LONG ASS TANGENT THAT REALLY I PROBABLY SHOULDNT TALK ABOUT ON HERE

like i was saying- yeah that stuff was fun to read but it was hard for me to write because i was either dealing with that shit and it hurt to talk about, or i totally couldnt relate to it enough to write about it.

but with this? oh babe orchestra is my everything. ive been playing in orchestras for nine years and the violin for sixteen. if theres anything that i know, its orchestra. and i love it. i want to write my own musical- including writing out all of the music. i fucking adore everything about string instruments (band we have to TALK)

so this is something i enjoy with characters that i love so its going to be good and im super excited and i really hope you guys will enjoy it.

- day