#if someone has a psychological explanation please tell me

[qiu-yan]

Hello, your takes are really cool! You can completely ignore this if it's tedious to expand haha, I'm not all that clear on tumblr etiquette so -

I noticed in one of your posts you said wwx had self worth issues? Can you please expand on that if you can? Imo he's very secure about his worth but things like debts and 'Nah, I Can Deal With this' get in his way. Generally, outside the jiang family I CAN see him putting his life on line for someone else, but wouldn't that be owed to natural kindness and willingness to help rather than any issues he has in his own worth? "Better me than them" not because he thinks he deserves it but because he thinks he can handle it better?

thanks for the message!

when i said that he had self-worth issues, what i had in mind was that one post (can't find it right now) that argued that wei wuxian had sky-high self-confidence and low self-worth. what they meant by that was that, on one hand, wei wuxian is incredibly confident in his ability to accomplish anything he puts his mind to and to weather hardships that would destroy other people; on the other hand, though, he also thinks that it's acceptable that he instead of others weathers said hardships. wei wuxian repeatedly falls upon the explanation of "i'm stronger than other people, i'm more resilient than other people, i was born with a smile on my face and i don't hold grudges" to explain to himself why it is acceptable that various bad things happen to him: why he insisted he wasn't upset after someone stole his first kiss at the phoenix mountain night-hunt; why he said it was better that he instead of mianmian got burned; why his response, when he thought that madame yu was going to cut off his right hand, was to think that he could relearn the sword with his left--and why, i think, he gives his golden core to jiang cheng.

kindness and a natural inclination towards helping others can account for a good chunk of an individual's selfless behavior, but once we reach the point where someone is actively setting themself on fire to protect another person (or, shall we say, digging out their own golden core), then some other psychological motivators have come into the equation. (i find one interesting example of this to be emiya shirou from fate/stay night, whose natural instinct towards helping others is a manifestation of his survivor's guilt from the fuyuki fire).

this is less prominent in wei wuxian's interactions with other characters, since i do think that wei wuxian's moral framework is decently agent-relative - but when it comes to his interactions with the jiang siblings and jiang cheng in particular, wei wuxian's self-worth issues become apparent. due to how he was raised in the jiang household, wei wuxian seems to have internalized the idea that he, compared to jiang cheng, is more disposable. the message wei wuxian overwhelmingly hears from madame yu and also everyone else is that, while jiang cheng is the sect heir and the future of yunmeng jiang, wei wuxian is just the son of an ex-servant. that wei wuxian owes the jiang sect for taking him off the streets and raising him. that, just by being in jiang cheng's life, wei wuxian has already taken so much from him: the happiness of his mother, the approval of his father, the love of his father, the love of his sister, the stability of his home. all of this means that the direction of debt points firmly in one direction: wei wuxian, in his mind, owes the jiang.

this is reinforced by both uncle jiang and madame yu's last words to him: "protect our children." protect jiang cheng and jiang yanli. there was no "protect yourself as well." what a terrible thing to tell a kid, honestly.

but this is also acceptable, because wei wuxian is stronger than jiang cheng. so it's alright that wei wuxian be forced to take on various burdens due to what he owes jiang cheng, because wei wuxian is strong and resilient and can handle those burdens. unlike jiang cheng, who is weak and emotionally fragile and holds grudges so easily, who is so weak he must be protected at all costs, wei wuxian is strong and capable and forgiving enough to weather all hardships, and not even hold a grudge about it. so it's alright! it's okay. wei wuxian can and should shoulder everything.

i think this was the reasoning that went into the golden core transfer: wei wuxian at once loved jiang cheng and didn't want him to suffer, and also felt it was his first and foremost duty to protect jiang cheng above himself, and also felt that he was more disposable than jiang cheng, and also felt so, so guilty about his perceived role in the fall of lotus pier. i think (as i said in the post i think you're referencing) this is also part of why wei wuxian was able to leave lotus pier to protect the wen remnants without fully viewing this decision as him making a sacrifice: from his point of view, since he no longer had his golden core, he could no longer contribute to yunmeng jiang. he could no longer fulfill his purpose/duty/promise to the dead jiang parents of protecting the jiang siblings. if he wasn't useful, then jiang cheng probably didn't even want him around anymore. therefore, it was better that he leave instead of staying to cause more problems.

when it comes to the jiang family, at least, wei wuxian's sky-high self-confidence and abysmal self-worth work together to produce some uniquely unhinged outcomes.

sorry, i think i've gone off-topic. when i said that wei wuxian had self-worth issues in the original post, though, it was in relation to yunmeng jiang and the jiang family specifically, which is why my reply is focused on them. i hope i've answered your question!

[space-mermaid-writing]

The witchling and the god [Loki x Witch!Reader] Chapter 28

Summary: The Avengers were looking for someone to help Loki fit in with the team. To become socially acceptable, so to speak. He had been given the choice of sitting in a cell in Asgard or serving some sort of community service probation on Midgard. The Avengers and Shield both felt that as long as Loki was on Earth, he should be under supervision. This is now your job. Why? Because you’re a witch. You’re not sure why this qualifies you, but here you are, giving it a shot. What could possibly go wrong?

Tags: Witch!Reader, Magic, Witches, slow burn, everybody lives in the tower, character development, Loki‘s redemption, Stephen Strange is a friend, Loki and Stephen are frenemies, Tony Stark is a good bro, kids love Loki, Tony has stupid nicknames for everybody, eventual smut

Main Masterlist | Series Masterlist | Read it on AO3 | Previous | Next

Chapter’s Note: (My sister is in town and I'm STOKED! I haven't seen her in three years <3 spread the sibling love!) This story will end with a StrangeFrost friendship and you can’t stop me. Also, this one may be one of my favorite chapters. Beta by @zaria-04

Chapter 28: Confessions

The sanctums are safe places for all magic wielders, not just sorcerers of the Mystic Arts. Loki has known them since they were wooden temples and learned other ways in than through the front door. He walks through the rows of relics on display and examines them, curiously. Presumably it is not polite not to knock at the door. And he has every reason to be polite. But he’s still Loki after all and he needs to be at least a little bit dramatic.

It's not long before he hears the sound of fluttering fabric near him.

"Is that 'The Tome of Oshtur'?" Loki asks, looking at an ancient book that didn't quite fit between the other relics. "I thought it was lost."

"The very one. I found it by chance in the collection of a mage princess, and she gave it to me in thanks for my help."

At the explanation, Loki merely nods. Sounds like a regular Tuesday for a Sorcerer Supreme.

Stephen looks at him expectantly. He knows Loki hasn't come by just to chat about relics, and he's in no mood for small talk. So he waits in silence.

The Asgardian hesitates to reveal his true motives. He is not sure if it was the right decision to come here.

"Considered by the Witchling you're a friend of hers. You've known her for quite a while."

He hates that he has a hard time finding the right words, that he has to rely on Strange's help. But he is a god on an important mission.

Stephen remains silent, giving him all the time he needs. On the one hand, the sorcerer is curious to know what it is all about. On the other hand, it amuses him to see Loki struggle.

"Do you know anything about any of her encounters with witch hunters in her past?"

Stephen raises a brow. "Why don't you ask her?"

"She doesn't exactly talk to me at the moment," Loki confesses.

The sorcerer eyes him thoughtfully for a while before shaking his head. "I'm not interested in getting involved in your relationship drama." He turns away. "You know the way out."

"Please."

This single word is enough to stop Stephen right in his tracks. The sorcerer looks at him, as if he couldn't believe his ears.

Loki has clenched his hands into fists, but he stands by his word. "I messed up and I'm trying to fix it." He is angry. Mostly at himself, but also at Strange. A Sorcerer Supreme is supposed to be better and help people in need. Sure, this isn’t a magical emergency, but still. "So if you would please help me."

Stephen’s eyes soften a bit. "I noticed it’s somewhat of a delicate subject. She didn't tell me what happened, but I know trauma when I see one. My medical opinion is that she has an old psychological wound that never fully healed and that has probably ripped open with the incident around her brother."

Loki thinks about his words. It helps him only insofar as he sees his suspicions confirmed. There must be something in your past, some incident that has shaped you. And Loki has pressed his thumb right into that open wound. It's so typical of him. He has a talent for these things, except that he usually does it on purpose. But he didn't mean to hurt you this time. Not really.

"Have you told her what you feel for her?"

Loki looks up, torn from his thoughts and remembers he's still standing in the Sanctum. "No."

"Maybe you should. What I learned is that you shouldn't wait too long with it. Not if it's truly important to you. Especially in her current state."

The conversation has taken a turn Loki never expected. It’s the last thing he wants to talk about with the Sorcerer Supreme.

"Any news on the last piece of Bloodweeper?" Loki asks to change the topic and to distract it from himself. He has unwillingly shown Strange a vulnerable side of himself and he isn't sure if he's okay with that.

Fortunately Stephen takes the hint and shakes his head. "No. Negotiations are ongoing, but so far the museum is unwilling to hand over the necklace." If that remains the case, he would initiate other methods. There are ways to get the artifact without a non-magically gifted person noticing.

"Are you storing the other parts here in the Sanctum?" Loki's curiosity is piqued, but Stephen shuts it down immediately.

"Even if I did, I wouldn't tell you. I'm five seconds away from sending you into another falling dimension with those questions."

"I wouldn't fall for the same trick twice," Loki smirks and Stephen does the same.

"We'll see about that."

~~

You couldn't stand it to be in the tower and returned to your cottage, where night has already fallen. Sleep is out of the question – you aren’t tired at all – so you first clean up your kitchen - after all, the news about the fight between Thor and Loki has pulled you out of work - and then flip through some old photo albums. There are photos of you and your siblings from decades past. Some still taken with roll film, some with Polaroid, and some more recent digital prints.

Elizabeth keeps the really old pictures, portraits and sketches from before photographs were invented. There are pictures of all the siblings, even those who are no longer alive. It’s important for you not to forget what they looked like. Sometimes - like now - you feel as if you are seeing these memories from your past lives for the first time, as if it were no more than someone else's pale memory. Time does that, whispers the small voice in your head, curiously absorbing all knowledge.

Eventually, you make yourself some tea and go to bed. Tomorrow you will visit Elizabeth and Gabriel. It always helps you to talk to them if you don't feel good. It's too late for today.

You are still hurt by Loki's words as you make Eloise's order the next morning. Your sister hasn't answered your text message yet about when she's free today, so you throw yourself into work. Unfortunately, that gives you way too much time to think.

Ever since Loki and you started this relationship, he has always been gentle with you, understanding and kind. But you remember all too well how cold and venomous he was in the beginning when you first met. When you started the job at the Avenger’s. Before Loki opened up to you.

And you know that his mood is caused by the same issues as it was back then: the conflict with his father, with his home.

It's something he probably won't be able to resolve anytime soon. Things like that can last a whole lifetime. At least your lifetime, which is way shorter than his.

With his words, Loki has awakened familiar fears in you. You are just a simple human compared to him and Thor. So what are you to him? A pastime? It seemed too honest to you for that. There are real feelings involved, you're sure of it. Both on your side and on his. But how deep do they go?

It's all messed up.

You're directing some flying ingredients to the pot and stirring them in it when you notice a noise.

"That's a nice witch kitchen you got here."

You turn around and see the Sorcerer Supreme standing in your kitchen. He is wearing his blue robes, but without the cloak.

You frown at his unannounced appearance. "Ever heard of knocking?"

"I'll remember that next time." The corners of Stephen's mouth twitch upward.

With a wave of your hand, you lower the still-flying kitchen utensils onto the counter. "Is there something important you're here for? I'm sorry, but I'm not in the mood for company."

"Yeah, I heard about that. So you're going to hole up here? You're going to hide when problems rise?" Stephen asks with a dark look on his face.

That's rich coming from him. The Sorcerer Supreme himself is often nowhere to be found. And anyway, you don't think he's in a position to judge. You sigh softly and turn back to your potion. It must now simmer for some time and soak in. "That reverse psychology doesn't work for me. Try being nice instead."

His next words are so soft you almost miss them. "He loves you."

You stop in your motion, your hand halfway to grasping a ladle. "Did he tell you that?" you ask in a small voice. Your mouth feels very dry all at once.

"Well, that's not quite-..."

"I'll believe that when I hear it from his own mouth," you interrupt the sorcerer rudely. You don't understand why Stephen is even getting involved in this. Maybe he's afraid Loki will start doing stupid things when you're not with him. But you're not his babysitter. And right now, you wouldn’t care even if the Asgardian set something on fire.

"I love you."

You're surprised when suddenly it's not Stephen's voice you hear but Loki's, and you whirl around. The Asgardian is standing where the sorcerer was a moment ago, in the same pose, as if it were him all along.

"And you wonder why I've trust issues."

Loki offers you an apologetic smile. "Would you have listened to me if I had come as me?"

"I don't know. Probably not," you admit. Your heart pounds loudly in your chest, "I don't know what to say…" Your thoughts are racing. Loki's unannounced visit, his confession, your argument that still lingers in your ears. The confession was exactly what you wanted to hear. But not like this. Not under these circumstances.

Contrary to his usual manner, Loki seems uncertain and waits for your reaction. But he takes the fact that you don't immediately throw him out as a good sign, and he approaches you slowly. "You once asked me if I'm not able to lie or if I choose not to lie. The truth is, I'm able to sense lies but I cannot lie myself." He stops in front of you and wants to put his arms around you and pull you to him. But he keeps his hands at his side. "There aren't many people who actually know this. I believe even Thor isn't entirely sure of it."

You glare at him. "How do I know that's true?"

"You don't." Loki's lips turn into a bitter smile. "That's the irony of it. You have to trust me."

You think about it and surprisingly you do. The Asgardian twists words to his liking, he says things you don't like, but you don't think he has ever truly lied to you. So if this is true, he just revealed his biggest secret to you. And confessed his love to you. This is a lot of trust he puts into you and you know that isn’t easy for him.

"I'm sorry about what I said. I wish I could say I didn't mean it," Loki apologizes as the pause becomes too long. "Everything you do amazes me. You have been kind and forgiving, patient with me. And I'm paying you back by taking my anger out on you, when you're the last one who had anything to do with it."

"I know," you finally say. "I know it wasn't me you were angry at. You just happen to push your finger into an old wound. One that should have healed by now."

"Please tell me what happened. When the witch hunters caught you."

And once again, Loki hits the bull's eye with his words. You consider it for a moment. It's something you've tucked away in a drawer of your brain that you never want to open again. But Loki took a step in your direction after your argument, probably two or three, and now it's up to you to take the next one.

"Do you want tea?" you ask him, because there's no way you're telling this story while standing in the middle of your kitchen. "I need some. But first, this."

You bridge the last bit to Loki and put your arms around him, burying your face in the crook of his neck. Circumstances are never what you want them to be. Maybe you should just take what you get. You're still hurt by his words, but since he came to you and apologized, you are willing to work this out.

The Asgardian hugs you tightly and exhales in relief. You feel a gentle kiss pressed onto your head and you look up to him. "You have one hell of a timing."

You smile watery and cup his face. Your hands shake and you feel the pounding of your heart all the way up into the back of your head, but you cover it up. It's a fear that always gets you when it comes to the subject you're about to approach. But it will never go away if you continue to ignore it.

"I love you too. How could I not? You're a weirdly attractive magic god from space." You mean it. Maybe it's just fitting for the both of you to confess your feelings in a situation like this. Your relationship with the Asgardian has been a hell of a ride so far.

For the first time since you've known him, maybe even in his life, Loki remains silent. He just looks at you, with a new light in his eyes, a spark you have never seen before. And with that, he says more than any word could. His fingers slide up effortlessly to caress your cheek, and he leans in to kiss you sweeter than he has ever before.

It just lasts for a few seconds, but it makes you smile.

"Now, sit down. I'll make tea."

"Yes, m’lady."

You turn to the stove and take down your potion, put a kettle of water instead on the open flame. At the same time, you levitate two cups from the cabinet to your right to the table. It’s a distraction to concentrate on this simple task and to calm your trembling hands. It almost feels like they are moving on their own, stored in your muscle memory. It's a strange feeling. But it helps you take a breath.

You owe it to Loki to tell him the story.

The tea water is ready faster than you'd like, and you fill both cups with the steaming liquid before taking a seat next to Loki. A lump has formed in your throat and you find it difficult to speak. Loki has taken your hand and waits quietly until you are ready.

"They hanged me," you finally say, your voice small. "I was lucky, though. My neck didn't break and I could use my magic to get free.

Your eyes are glued on your interlaced fingers. His are cool and it helps to keep you grounded.

"It wasn't witch hunters per se, but people from the village where I lived. I knew them all by name, had helped them whenever they needed help. It was a dark time, fear was stirred up. People were suspicious of everything they didn’t understand."

For the longest time afterwards you had seen their faces in nightmares. They had haunted you. Over the decades, they've become more and more blurred, and now you can barely remember their features. You don't know if it's because of the time that has passed or if your mind has simply repressed it.

There is a certain bitterness in your next words as you finally look at Loki. "That was 200 years ago now, and I still can't wear necklaces or even turtlenecks because it's too tight around my throat, it makes me feel like I'm suffocating." Your fingertips ghost over the sensitive skin on your neck. It's something that bothers you, a constant reminder of what happened. As if, after all this time, it still feels like they have power over you, have you trapped.

Loki remembers the day he found out you were a witch. He had grabbed you by the throat and you had reacted violently. He remembers that whenever he was in the form of a snake, you warned him not to wrap himself around your neck. You never wear anything near your neck and suddenly it all makes sense. It's so obvious that he's surprised he didn't notice it sooner. Your physical scars have healed, but the mental ones still lie raw open.

"I'm so sorry," he whispers, making a vague gesture of his hand to your neck. You understand what he means.

Your lips twist into a tentative smile and you don’t really know what to answer. "Yeah…"

Loki's hand finds yours and he squeezes it. For a while you just sit there in silence, each busy with your own thoughts. Sometimes it doesn't take many words; you probably wouldn't find any right now anyway. In the background, your potion is still bubbling, and you'll have to get to it soon.

Loki catches your gaze. "Are you still in no mood for company?"

"I'm still a bit angry at you and I've got work to do." You point to your stove. "How about we meet...," with a quick glance at your clock you calculate the time difference to New York, "...for lunch tomorrow?"

"Your wish is my command." Smiling, the Asgardian leans toward you and steals a fleeting kiss. You place a hand on the back of his neck and intensify the kiss before pushing him away from you.

"Okay, now leave, Princeling." There's no longer an edge to your voice.

________________________

The Witchling and the Princeling ♥

The god of lies not being able to lie and therefore a master of twisting the truth ← That idea kicked down the door into my head while writing and declared itself home. After finishing writing, I went through everything Loki said in this whole fic to make sure he never told a lie.

The poem from the header image: Softly my thoughts whispered invisible words. My mind was a calm chaos filled with reflection of you. I wanted to find myself and i did when I found you.

Tag List: @lokisgoodgirl @lokixryss @itsybitchylittlewitchy @yokshi-unbeliebubble @fictional-hooman @elennair @all-envy-suyu @purplekitten30 @elisadmaggiore @nothing2113 @ceo-of-stfu @moonlightreader649 @ronipiamka @fluffybunnyu @ninjarose23 @ozymdias @huntress-artemiss @sofi786 @thedistractedagglomeration @rosaline-black @msrawog @moonlightreader649 @paetonnn @eldriidd @r4inlov3r @eleniblue @eleniblue @maeisonline @marvel-love24 @sinsandguilt @kalinaselennespeaks @ohtellmelove @eleniblue @hyojin-2579 @just-someone11 @marygoddessofmischief @fall-myriad @melavoris @baebeepeach

[eristheanarchist]

I need to know if it's just me and if anyone has a medical or psychological explanation for this but sometimes I get really random bursts of energy / excitement and I'll start like intentionally shaking my hands really hard to channel it and not like they're shaking because I'm nervous but it's the same kinda shake you do when drying your hands off with a towel iykwim so if someone has an explanation please tell me

[sebfreak]

Watashi no Shiawase na Kekkon or My happy marriage Ep3:

See? What did I tell you? It´s a slow paced love story or more like slowly they are getting closer while we witness other major issues that needs to be solved too. But let´s start at the beginning, because my gosh it was a lot that we saw in episode 3. Btw this time the translations were a little bit off? I don´t know but it seemed they were changed here and there....but I think it´s a netflix problem or something like that lol. But because of that I really try to focus more on the scene and not on the words. So their reaction will be used for explanation. (try is the magical word here because well yeah I don´t know XD)

Him, asking her out was a little bit clumsy but it suits him pretty well. He isn´t good with words. It´s not like he isn´t honest but he doesn´t know how to articulate and yeah this makes him very likeable. And the fact that she denied his request wasn´t surprising.

She is used that her "family" saw her in that way the entire time. Nobody gave her another feeling, nobody gave her the feeling that she was welcomed. So it´s understandable for her to think like that. People in the past gave her the feeling that they feel embarrassed to be with her. (psychological abusement) And if you witness it everyday then you start thinking like that. (well personaly I witnessed it too and it´s difficult to erase this thought)

This is why, his words may seem nice and sweet and they totally are. Because he straightforward told her that he isn´t this type of person, but it will take more time for her to realize it. But slowly they will come closer.

All her things are used and start to fall apart after being used over and over again. This is normal for things and once in a while you have to rebuy something new. But the fact that she didn´t say it out loud or demanded for it speaks for herself. Because not only she doesn´t wanna be a burden but also these clothes and things are hers. As you remember when she arrived she had a little bag and nothing more because this was what belonged to her. Everything else was lost to her stepsister who forcefully took everything from her. So maybe she also doesnt wanna let it go so easily because it gives her safety.

She really doesn´t think that good about her, huh? This would be a quick question in your head when you see these scenes over and over again in which she always says "no, it doesn´t suit me, i don´t need, i can´t". And i can totally understand that but I can feel with her so much. And this scene made me cry a little bit, not because she could finally use make-up. For me the make up itself isn´t that important, but the fact that she has kinda a self-hatred but there are people who now wanna support her and yeah this interaction was beautiful. <3

And he, he didn´t say anything but we ALL could see it in his face. XD He really liked it. Sorry you can´t deny it anymore you little tsundere. :P

This here strenghtened my thought btw that she isn´t used to demand things. Because she never got the opportunity to say out loud what she wants and when she did she got scolded. So for him to say that she won´t be getting scolded is really important. But he has to say it more than once, so she will be always reminded to that. Because at one point there is always the possibility for her to fall back into the darkness of her thoughts.

TRUE!!! But I think it´s because not many people wanted to get to know him more. His position as a general reflects authority, so they wanna show him a lot of respect and don´t wanna make him angry.

Fuck this dude for seeing Miyo only as someone who bears a child. really fuck you so much you dipshit. Yes, I mean in this time women (oh god please don´t hate me) were only seen as the ones who had the children, were doing the housework. Or if they were upperclass women they only had the first task to do. Bear children and nothing more BUT THIS ISN´T AN EXCUSEMENT HERE!!! I live in modern age and I say: This dude is an asshole because he doesn´t care about Miyo at all. He doesn´t give a shit about her character, her personality, what her hobbies are and what she likes. So really f you so much. (sorry for my rant)

Also fuck this dad so much. No excusement for him. If you wanna save your daughter or protect her then there are way more nice and humane things you can do. So fuck these two men.

Dead(ly) in love soon you bitch. XD So funny to read her thoughts and then see her act later. She is really a bitch.

He will!!!! I have nothing more to say, but he will support her and will stand by her side. He is true to his words so he will do it.

Well well well if it wasn´t a foreshadowing thing here. XDDDD But yeah I could totally understand him because he may seem so relaxed but he worries that he does something she doesn´t like because she isn´t smiling. He just wanna see that she likes to live in his household. Because wenn you smile truly for yourself you are relaxed at one point and you feel safe.

Yes I think you can say that this is her first wish which comes directly from her heart, after such a long time. This also means that she starts to feel more safe and accept her new home but yeah there is always the fearness which follows her. So she keeps her wish for herself and doesn´t speak them out loud.

Uhhh the first gift. YOU HEAR!!!!????? The first gift he gave her and it was a new comb. <3 It´s not only a new thing it also means, that a new beginning for her is starting. So let´s see if she will use it in the future. :D

I bet nobody is as happy as she is. Like imagine you work for a young man who had literally over 15 women as potential financees in this house and every single one ran away after a few times. XD She really likes him and I think she does see him as her son (btw she is also behaving like a mother to Miyo and this is so cute <3) and she wanna see him happy. So every step they take is a win for her too. So I´m not only rooting for the main pairing but also for this beautiful lady who has a lot of work with her young master.

The smile!!!! Tbh I don´t have anything else to say here because this screenshot speaks for itself. But hey he finally saw her smiling. <3

It´s really logical that he wanna find out more about Miyo and her family and her situation. And I´m glad he found out in ep 3 that she doesn´t have a gift. So nobody of us can say: "Oh maybe he starts liking her more because of the gift!" Nonono he knows it and yet he doesn´t wanna let her go. This was btw the part where I was really into this story.

Also yes he knows that not only words can heal her wounds due to the abusement she has wittnessed. He understands so much and this is why he is the perfect husband. <3

And oh dear who might it be this little idiot who tries to spy on him???

[yourlocalguardian]

Mr. God of Protection, Loyalty, and Humanity (and Guide), may you please expand on your Godhood? I would like to learn more about such ‘kin experience of being a God, if you may share :D

:0 oh sure, I think it’s pretty interesting so I’d be happy to share <3

My whole life I’ve always had very strong protective instincts, which never made a lot of sense because I’m the youngest of three siblings so it’s not like I had younger people in my life I needed to protect. I’m never an irritable person and am generally calm until you hurt someone I love or care about, then I get enough rage to tear someone’s throat out <3

Additionally people have always confided in me and felt extremely safe with me naturally, people I wasn’t even close to have suddenly open up to me and tell me deep things about their lives out of nowhere. For example I remember one specific time a guy in my school in 8th grade who was very much the type of always making jokes and never being serious or deep about anything, suddenly opened up and told me deep things about his family, I think about that often. Also I’ve always been told by people that I give really good hugs heh, people say I give off an extremely safe and warm feeling, many irl friends of mine have asked me for hugs when they’re upset because of it, I make people feel safe and secure naturally

I have a very deep sense of loyalty to those I deem fitting of my love, always have. I will never forget the things someone has told me, and even if I stop being close to someone I will still fight for them if I see them facing injustice. Also if I deeply love someone, I will never give up on them or just suddenly call things off without trying my very hardest. It, was actually a problem with my last relationship because we both could tell things just couldn’t be fixed but I was never going to be the one to give up. I’m working that tho :) (like to make sure I don’t do something like that again because it wasn’t good for me)

For the humanity part, I’ve always adored humans. I casually study people constantly, like as a permanent facet of my being. I’m always observing people, noting what I think is interesting about people’s behavior, and hypothesizing why I think they do the things they do. I adore the complexities of mankind but at the same time have never felt a part of it. I’m planning on becoming a psychologist in the diagnostic field in the future because of this and have already taken a psychology course in school :3 I used to watch psychology and sociology explanation videos in my free time when I was like 9 lol (the YouTube channel Psych2Go specifically <3)

And as for the guide part, that goes with how I mentioned earlier that people confide in me, people come to me for advice, for help, and because I’ve studied life so extensively I usually can give good advice :) or at least I always try my best to, I’m always happy to give someone advice and be there for them to talk to

Anyways sorry for such a long ramble, it’s something I find fascinating even though it’s myself, heh :3

Feel free to send me more asks about anything <3 calling me Mr. God also made me laugh btw <3

[aresianrepose]

You hurt me. Is a full sentence. No justification. No explanation. No screaming about how bad it hurt or how fucked I was after to get you to understand. Just. You hurt me.

You hurt me. 

I never wanted to be. A mod. It was supposed to be a group chat. I just happened to be the one that made it. It hurts to be told I'm mad with power that I didn't even want, that I don't even actually have. Everyone was fine while problem causers ran rampant and just expected the mods to take care of it. As if... we somehow signed up for that? I didn't sign up for that. That's not what this was supposed to be. This was supposed to be a group chat of friends, of community that spoke up, spoke out, and self-managed. Through like, idk, actually talking to each other when shit went bad.

I poured myself out for nearly a year. I should have left sooner than I did. Should have left when I was accused behind my back of psychologically manipulating people or being an actual rapist. Or maybe when I got into an argument about weighing the ability to go to concerts without a mask versus immunocompromised people's lives (as an immunocompromised person) which. Was never resolved.

But everyone was just fine when I called someone out for being shitty... as long as it wasn't someone they liked. Never was too good about taking sides like that. Everyone was just fine coming and getting us to do the conflict for them, never doing the work to keep the community flourishing and problem free themselves.

Idk. It hurts. You hurt me.

I opened up about the struggles that I had been facing as a mod. And the reaction was to tell me I should keep my mouth shut and mod better. I'm staining the carpet with all this blood.

"What always stood out to me when I joined is that you thanked me for treating you like a person"

I wasn't vaguing. I sent a message confronting someone about allegations, which has been litigated. And when the response was to ignore that pain and then when corrected, to say what the fuck... by the same person who the mod team had repeated issues with. Good faith is not the same as blind faith. I just had enough and sent a message to the community channel that I had written a couple of nights prior while I crying and overwhelmed. Like I cannot express enough how much that message was a genuine cry for help written while I was like barely holding on.

It's not pretty. It's not perfect. But all of it was genuine. No hidden meaning or agenda. Just. Please stop. Please stop. I can't do this anymore. Here is what I've been carrying. Please stop.

And that message was met with, you're vaguing. You should have just taken it. You should have been professional, as if I signed up for that. (No one should have to worry about professionalism when shit like that happens to them). Be a good victim. Swallow this logical and objective talk over your pain (as if we havent spent hours decrying that same approach in other contexts). Take accountability.

For what? For bleeding? For saying a bad word? For telling someone to be quiet because I need the space? Am I allowed that space? Do the buttons I click on my phone to take me to the appropriate channel make that pain any less important? Am I a person?

I keep thinking about why this has caused... a lot of trauma issues for me, when I have actually died and have that shit on lock. This is so small in comparison. But I. Am hurting so much.

Is this vaguing? I honestly don't know.

Because my intention is not to put anyone on blast or talk shit. It is just to say. I'm hurting. You hurt me. On the blog I've had since I was 16 years old. In my own space that is mine. So that maybe I can use this app without having panic attacks.

All I know is that I spent a year in a role I didn't ask for, that I never wanted, took care of that space, things slowly escalated to me actually having to be a mod in a capacity that I didn't actually sign up for (I was just supposed to create channels and roles), and not a single. Person. Outside of my family. Not a single one. Messaged me when all this shit happened.

You don't have to be cursing or yelling at someone to hurt them. Just because you are speaking calmly and "rationally" does not mean you are listening or approaching anything in good faith. Doesn't mean you're actually resolving anything. Just because the flavor is palatable to the audience does not mean you're not doing harm. Just. Stepping on my throat with how I should have done better while I am bleeding out already.

[brandwhorestarscream]

Imagine if it happens because they are watching intel Lazerbeak recorded and one of the Autobots (who in G1 canonly watch soap operas and romcoms together) makes a joke about them going to couples counseling and they are not about to deal with a human therapist so they kidnap Rung.

Who is terrified only for it to be revealed his purpose for being here. And what is he supposed to do? Not help someone who has asked for it?

Aksjdksjsjskak oh. My god.

RUNG PLEASE 😂😭

The first few sessions get very heated--lots of screaming and yelling and more than one instance of furniture throwing. One instance of Megatron throwing Starscream at Rung. One instance of Starscream scissorkicking Megatron into the wall.

Rung decides that ok, maybe it'd be better to do individual sessions first to get their own unique sides of the story to determine where each of them is coming from, what they want/need out of the relationship, and any goals they'd like to work toward

He pretty quickly figures out that Starscream's issues are deeply rooted in a fear of abandonment that causes him to lash out, along with an inferiority complex that tells him he's not actually good enough for anything or anyone. Hence why he craves power--he thinks it'll make him feel better, prove that he is good enough. And Megatron's main issues stem from a fear of being powerless and abused again; he has to have absolute control at all times. Neither of them are mentally very healthy, and they've got some serious heavy lifting to do if they actually want to feel better and be able to meet each other in the middle.

Rung certainly has his work cut out for him. But he has the power of Primus and psychology on his side, sooo a la G1 bullshit in lieu of me having to fully think this out and type up a 4 page explanation, he helps them considerably. They're not perfect, not by any means, but it's a night and day difference. They can actually be in the same room together for multiple hours without snide remarks, rude jabs, or things escalating to physical violence. They have strategy meetings that are fruitful and yield several important victories. They become almost affectionate, and concerned for each other, and it's so weird that Skywarp is convinced they've been replaced by autobot impersonators.

The decepticons two highest ranked officers have evolved from a constant shitstorm of backstabbing and blows to a functional unit that communicates openly and respect each other. The autobots are neck deep in slag and Rung feels such a weird sense of pride and mortal terror

[strangerpages]

DARK//MIRROR: Wizard's Anonymous

Ok. Confession time.

Yes, I want to be wise.

Yes, I want to possess strange abilities.

...Also yes, I want to be perceived as a Wizard because Wizards are glamorous.

Avoiding pretension is important to me, but if that's really the *only* thing I wanted I wouldn't have a pretentious blog, and be angling to call myself a Wizard some day.

I'm vain; so sue me. (Please don't sue me. I know less about law then I do about magic, and I know F* all about magic. 🥺)

Therapy is expensive, so chat GPT will have to do.

What are some psychological reasons why someone might want to be perceived as a Wizard?

There are several psychological reasons why someone might desire to be perceived as a wizard. It's important to note that these reasons can vary from person to person, and individuals may have unique motivations. Here are some possible psychological explanations:

1. Sense of power and control: Being perceived as a wizard can provide a sense of power and control over others. Wizards are often associated with magical abilities and wisdom, which can make them appear influential and commanding. This desire for power and control may stem from a person's need to compensate for feelings of powerlessness or lack of control in their everyday life.

Ooh. Ouch. Am I feeling powerless? Could be. Raising a kid is humbling. There's no career path, there's no fat paycheck to tell you you did good. Just doing your best every day, never really knowing if your best is good enough.

2. Escapism and fantasy: Wanting to be perceived as a wizard may reflect a desire to escape from reality and immerse oneself in a world of fantasy. The role of a wizard allows for the exploration of magical realms and supernatural abilities, providing a break from the mundane aspects of life. Engaging in such fantasy can be an outlet for creativity, imagination, and a temporary escape from life's challenges.

Daydream believer, Check. Fantasy has always been my playground, and my dark forest. I'll try to focus on doing creative things as an outlet , so my ego doesn't become the creative project. That sounds smart, let's go with that.

3. Symbol of intelligence and wisdom: Wizards are often portrayed as wise and knowledgeable figures. Desiring to be seen as a wizard may stem from a person's wish to be perceived as intelligent, wise, and possessing deep understanding. By embodying the image of a wizard, individuals may seek to gain respect and admiration from others, particularly in intellectual or academic circles.

Ouch, again. Yeah, this makes sense. I definitely feel like I missed my chance at academia, even if I'm attracted to it only for dubious reasons. I'm not an academic, but if I'm strange and diligent enough maybe I can feel some of that academic pride, and possibly woo some sort of academic respect. That would be nice, but I probably shouldn't chase that pearl.

4. Desire for uniqueness and distinction: Wizards are distinct characters associated with a sense of mystique and uniqueness. Wanting to be seen as a wizard can be a manifestation of a person's desire to stand out from the crowd and be recognized as special. It may serve as a means of establishing a distinct identity and garnering attention or admiration from others.

Hehe yeah... I think I could pull off the look, and turn some heads; that has power in and of itself.

5. Symbolic meaning and personal significance: For some individuals, the concept of a wizard holds personal and symbolic meaning. It may represent personal aspirations, ideals, or qualities they value. Identifying with the wizard archetype can provide a sense of purpose, direction, or a connection to something greater than oneself.

Ah, here's the part where I get to be sincere in my enthusiasm. My own personal mysticism is developing, and it feels like nothing else. This is the real sh**t, and I feel it. I have Work to do.

6. Social validation and acceptance: Being perceived as a wizard can potentially lead to social validation and acceptance, especially among like-minded individuals or communities. It may serve as a way to gain recognition, social status, and a sense of belonging within certain subcultures, fandoms, or communities centered around fantasy, magic, or esoteric interests.

Yeah, this part is nice. Everyone needs friends who appreciate what it is you think you're doing with your life.

It's worth mentioning that while desiring to be seen as a wizard can have psychological motivations, it's important to distinguish between healthy personal interests and obsessions that might negatively impact one's well-being or relationships. As with any identification with a particular role or image, it's essential to maintain a balanced perspective and engage in self-reflection.

I agree! 👍

Same time next week? Good talk.

All posted images made with Midjourney v5.1

[radioaf]

{*rubs hands together while evilly chuckling* I'm going to talk about Alastor touch averse which is also something I deal with on a daily basis so I'm gonna have fun writing this one my loves because I am going to mention a little bit about how I think his childhood was like and what's I think it like for him being touched. This headcanon is very personal for me so please be kind I worked hard on this}

triggers: mentions of past childhood trauma and scars

First things first as always let's have a little explanation on what touch averse is shall we? because if you can't tell by my last headcanon I like to over explain things.

Touch aversion - is a feeling of intense discomfort or fear when someone attempts to touch you. It can be physical, such as when someone attempts to hug you, or it can be psychological, such as when someone attempts to shake hands with you. (taken from a article on overcoming touch aversion that I have laying around my room)

He is touch averse. He has intense discomfort and a fear/anger when someone attempts to touch him without his permission the best way is to always let him make the first moves and invite him to do so because oddly enough Alastor is big on consent when it comes to people touching him and not the other way around he will invade others personal space. So say if someone wants to shake his hand the way to this is to open your hand out to him and let him make that choice if want to or not . 9/10 times the man won't reciprocate the invitation of physical contact but it's worth trying. He will actively avoid it all together by as we seen in the most off-putting ways possible like snapping his neck in unnatural contortions, His main goal is to creep out whoever has tried to touch him so they won't do it again, he will also just straight up dematerialize to avoid things.

Yes this stems from his need to be in control but I also think it's trauma repose from his childhood with his father. Very little is know bout his backstory but I do lean toward the idea that his father was a abusive drunk who would lash out at Al and his mother now I think Alastor took on a role of trying to protect his mother from his father so in turned he took on a lot more of the abuse which lean to him having this deep rooted hate for forced physical contact he would get from his father but at the same time I think his mother was very lovely and that her love language was physical touch which is why I believe we see him more tolerable around women touching him a great examples of this is Rosie, Niffty and Mimzy. Don't get my wrong he still is uncomfortable with it but he knows these women well enough that they mean no harm to him and that they in turn know him well and what he is and isn't comfortable with.

Now Alastor has a lot of scars on his body. Being shot in the head and mauled by dogs will leave your skin and body gnarled and distorted. I've seen first hand injuries of people who have been injured by dogs that aren't pretty. Now scar tissue is made up from fibrous tissue that forms when normal tissue is destroyed and they can become very sensitivity if nerves have been damage like most of Alastor more than likely have been, which is why I do believe makes his skin extra sensitivity when touched but I think it feels worse for him when he is cold and that's why I think we see him in his coat so often because lower temperatures cause tissues to contract, putting pressure on nerves. As someone with a lot of scars I can say when I'm cold I can feel every damn one of my scars even that very visible ones and it fucking hurts. So think all that does play into his lack of wanting physical touch because it can cause him discomfort sometimes not all the time. 

My inspiration for most of these ideas comes from my own experiences and I hope it made sense and gives you again more insight on how I write Alatsor. <3

[radioaf-a]

{*rubs hands together while evilly chuckling* I'm going to talk about Alastor touch averse which is also something I deal with on a daily basis so I'm gonna have fun writing this one my loves because I am going to mention a little bit about how I think his childhood was like and what's I think it like for him being touched. This headcanon is very personal for me so please be kind I worked hard on this}

triggers: mentions of past childhood trauma and scars

First things first as always let's have a little explanation on what touch averse is shall we? because if you can't tell by my last headcanon I like to over explain things.

Touch aversion - is a feeling of intense discomfort or fear when someone attempts to touch you. It can be physical, such as when someone attempts to hug you, or it can be psychological, such as when someone attempts to shake hands with you. (taken from a article on overcoming touch aversion that I have laying around my room)

He is touch averse. He has intense discomfort and a fear/anger when someone attempts to touch him without his permission the best way is to always let him make the first moves and invite him to do so because oddly enough Alastor is big on consent when it comes to people touching him and not the other way around he will invade others personal space. So say if someone wants to shake his hand the way to this is to open your hand out to him and let him make that choice if want to or not . 9/10 times the man won't reciprocate the invitation of physical contact but it's worth trying. He will actively avoid it all together by as we seen in the most off-putting ways possible like snapping his neck in unnatural contortions, His main goal is to creep out whoever has tried to touch him so they won't do it again, he will also just straight up dematerialize to avoid things.

Yes this stems from his need to be in control but I also think it's trauma repose from his childhood with his father. Very little is know bout his backstory but I do lean toward the idea that his father was a abusive drunk who would lash out at Al and his mother now I think Alastor took on a role of trying to protect his mother from his father so in turned he took on a lot more of the abuse which lean to him having this deep rooted hate for forced physical contact he would get from his father but at the same time I think his mother was very lovely and that her love language was physical touch which is why I believe we see him more tolerable around women touching him a great examples of this is Rosie, Niffty and Mimzy. Don't get my wrong he still is uncomfortable with it but he knows these women well enough that they mean no harm to him and that they in turn know him well and what he is and isn't comfortable with.

Now Alastor has a lot of scars on his body. Being shot in the head and mauled by dogs will leave your skin and body gnarled and distorted. I've seen first hand injuries of people who have been injured by dogs that aren't pretty. Now scar tissue is made up from fibrous tissue that forms when normal tissue is destroyed and they can become very sensitivity if nerves have been damage like most of Alastor more than likely have been, which is why I do believe makes his skin extra sensitivity when touched but I think it feels worse for him when he is cold and that's why I think we see him in his coat so often because lower temperatures cause tissues to contract, putting pressure on nerves. As someone with a lot of scars I can say when I'm cold I can feel every damn one of my scars even that very visible ones and it fucking hurts. So think all that does play into his lack of wanting physical touch because it can cause him discomfort sometimes not all the time. 

My inspiration for most of these ideas comes from my own experiences and I hope it made sense and gives you again more insight on how I write Alatsor. <3

[rcreveal]

Research of the Heart

Summary:

NanoMutt Prompt a Day Challenge: the way you said I love you Day 17-with broken glass on the floor, and Day 18 from far away. Muriel is doing more relationship research, but they didn't tell their research subject, Eric, what was going on. Aziraphale has been nominated to "step in."

Work Text:

Aziraphale was sitting at his desk keeping up with his correspondence while Muriel was working on another display of books ‘to be sold’ when the door to the shop opened.  The demon Eric slouched in and Aziraphale noted that Muriel was suddenly notable only by their absence.  Sighing morosely, the demon slouched back out again and the miasma of distress that wafted off of him made Aziraphale brush his arms as though brushing off sticky cobwebs.  Well that confirmed what everyone else was telling him.  He would have to take…steps.

A pot of excellent tea and a selection of biscuits was laid out when Aziraphale called, “Muriel, could you join me?”  

The scrivener ducked around a nearby stack of books and said, “Yes, Mr. Fell?!”

“Oh, you startled me Muriel! Please, do sit and have a cup of tea with me,” invited Aziraphale, pouring them both a cup.

“I was wondering, Muriel,” he asked delicately, while passing them a cup of tea,”If you’d had a ‘falling out’ with Eric?”

Muriel looked up, obviously surprised, “No, Mr. Fell, we haven’t fallen out of anything, yet!  I’ll have to add that to my list…”

Aziraphale tried again, “No, I meant, did you and he have a fight, disagreement, or some other interaction which would make you not want to spend time with him or talk to him?  Only, we’ve all noticed that you have been leaving whenever he enters.  Like just now,” and wiping the last bit of demonic misery off his cheek, he continues, “and I’m afraid that Eric is getting despondent about it.”

“Oh, no! I’m happy with Eric! Eric is helping me with my research!  After our picnic, he told me that he’d be happy to help me with any research I wanted to do,” says Muriel with their usual burbling good cheer.

“And what sort of research are you doing now?” Aziraphale asked while part of him was feeling the sudden unease of a parent who’s just noticed that their child is growing up and finding other people fascinating in a whole new way.

“I’m researching the saying, ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder,’” says Muriel brightly.

“Ah, and how are you conducting this research?  Are you reading literary or psychological texts or watching human television shows?  Are you interviewing your human and non-human friends and acquaintances?” Aziraphale asks delicately while having a pretty good idea of the answer.

“Noooo, gosh, those are good ideas!  No, I’m not associating with Eric verbally or non-verbally for this week,” explains Muriel.

Aziraphale looks a little stern, “Did Eric know that was the research he was engaging in?”

“No! I was reading about blinded studies and didn’t tell him,” says Muriel looking a little uneasy, “Did I do the research incorrectly?”

Aziraphale remains stern,  “Muriel, most human students and researchers have to get permission before doing ‘human trials’ and they have a research advisor, someone who helps them do research humanely.  Maybe you should think about who could be your research advisors going forward.”

Muriel nods hurriedly while Aziraphale softens his tone, “Muriel, I think you’ve hurt Eric’s feelings.  If I or Maggie or Nina suddenly stopped associating with you verbally and non-verbally, without an explanation, how would you feel?”

“OH! I would feel sad, very, very sad !" and Muriel jumped up and ran to open the front of the book shop.

Across the way, Eric was just clearing up some glasses and cups from a couple of new outdoor tables at Give me Coffee or Give me Death.  

“ERIC!” Muriel bellowed, causing the demon to drop all the crockery, which shattered around his feet.

“I’M SORRY I DIDN’T TELL YOU I WAS RESEARCHING ‘ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER’!  IT REALLY DOES,TOO!”

Eric yelled back, “THEN YOU’RE NOT MAD AT ME?”

“NO!” replied Muriel.

Smiling hugely, for the first time in days, Eric said, “Well that’s alright, then.”

“THEN GET OVER HERE AND HELP CLEAN UP THIS MESS!” Nina yelled, brandishing a dustpan and broom at Muriel. 

Aziraphale, smiled fondly, as the scrivener trotted across the street (after looking both ways) to rescue the demon from his moat of glass.  Maggie was looking out her door and smiled at Aziraphale.

Well, we all have to start somewhere, thought Aziraphale, wondering about how he’d explain to Crowley, Nina and Maggie, how they would all need to work out how to be Muriel and Eric’s "research" advisors.

[gayrfield]

idk why im always making alt accounts like,,,,, who am i hiding this from I have 0 followers in all of them wtf

[wincore]

romeo roulette | jung yoonoh

pairing: jaehyun x fem!reader

summary: if finding your soulmate is the same as a damn game of russian roulette, you are determined to not pull the trigger at all. except, you know who your soulmate is and he doesn’t—and given a choice to pretend, you find that jaehyun is the lesser of the two burdens to bear.

genre: soulmate au, office au, fake dating, fluff (a lot), angst (a little), romcom, magical realism (??)

words: 21.2k

warnings: language

song recs: playlist here !

a/n: behold ! a kdrama compressed in a fic ! ok i was lying there was more than a little angst but all in good fun <3 i have never experienced working in an office (thanks to the panny) but i tried making it as accurate as i could !! hope you have fun with this <3

It’s not that you’ve never been looked at with a lover’s gaze, it’s just that whatever look Jaehyun has been giving you is mildly uncomfortable. It’s not supposed to be that way. Hell, even his hand clasping yours are a little too clammy for your liking.

Jung Yoonoh. Get your act together.

You wish he were a better actor than this. For someone used to eyes on him in each and every room he’s in, he’s not very good at making eye contact. You’ll be saving this performance. Not to stroke your own ego but at least you know how to behave under strong gazes.

There are three people staring at the two of you and your fingers intertwined, scrutinizing your postures and the expressions on your faces. Maybe Jaehyun should face them instead of glancing at you wordlessly. He’s a terrible liar for someone who acts so smooth. 

You look up with a short smile. The aforementioned three are your coworkers—former class rep at uni and your current boss Doyoung, your friend Soojin and Jaehyun’s friend Sicheng from IT. None of them look happy—like it concerns them. If there was a competition for nosy coworkers, this entire group would be winning awards left and right (and that’s including you). 

They’re going to find out, an annoying voice giggles inside the quiet corner of your brain. Like hell, they will. You didn’t take up acting lessons in college for nothing. You just need to focus on the details.

This whole charade dates its beginning to a week ago. 

If someone were to tell you Jung Yoonoh from marketing is your soulmate, you would most certainly either laugh or take it as a genuine insult. Hence, you were glad when you found that he isn’t. 

It was an accident. You had glimpsed at his soulmark, right below his collarbone, at a particularly wild office afterparty—and somehow, you thought it was fitting that his tattoo was a little red heart. For someone born on Valentine’s day (which you know from a night out with coworkers, not because you’re remotely interested), if his soulmark was not something as disgusting as a heart, it would be the textbook definition of irony. But then again, fate is a funny thing. Your soulmark is a heart roughly the same size, with a little more intricacy in the form of a piercing arrow.

Despite all, however, if someone were to ask you if Jung Yoonoh is the worst person to be your soulmate, the answer is no. You can name at least five coworkers off the top of your head that you’d choose him over. You would choose him over Doyoung (and especially his nagging), you would choose him over Taeyong because he’s too hot and you also don’t like men in a higher position than you are, you would choose him over Jungwoo because you suspect he’s secretly a furry. Jaehyun is certainly better than your deskmate Dongmin who, despite an angelic smile, is: a) too distant to make actual conversation with, and b) in a relationship despite being your soulmate. Sweet-tempered Dongmin doesn’t even know it’s you. You’d love to be the bearer of bad news but this one—you’re not exactly ready for it yourself.

So that’s the explanation for why you hunted down Jaehyun and in a desperate attempt to not seem pathetic, coerced him into a role that has carefully picked benefits for either of you. You just have to bite the bullet sometimes.

“And I get what out of this?”

“Me? Temporarily, that is.”

Jaehyun laughs in amusement and you drop your smile, almost offended. If you were a gift, you’d certainly be an attractive, spicy, hot one—he doesn’t have to look at you so incredulously. In a neat business suit, Jaehyun is as kempt as ever though his tie could do with some more work.  As an HR assistant, his appearance pleases you. However as a person, the perfection annoys the hell out of you. He could show himself to be more human. It would make your job (both the actual and the metaphorical) easier.

“I’m leaving,” he announces with a nonchalant exhale. “You keep messing around during work hours like this and people are going to think you’re jobless.”

“Wait!” 

You jog up to him and block his path, crossing your arms as you huff at his indignance. 

“I said no,” he repeats, and when he tries to evade you, you push him back with your palm flat against his chest. Jaehyun doesn’t show any more discomfort than usual, biting the inside of his cheek.

“You haven’t found your soulmate, right?” you say, taking a deep breath. If you have to resort to psychological warfare, so be it.

His smile wavers and he straightens, no longer leaning against the printer desk. “No. How does that matter?”

“It matters because you’re going to be my pretend-soulmate. Now, don’t be a pussy.”

He opens his mouth and closes it, furrowing his eyebrows. “You can’t always trick me into doing what you want.”

“I’ll ask Doyoung if you say no.”

“See—enough with the tricks, they don’t work anymore. I’ve known you for two years.”

“I really will ask him.”

“Not convincing enough. You don’t even talk to Doyoung outside work.”

You groan into your hand, taking a few moments to come up with another plan. How is your obvious charisma not enough? You certainly can’t tell him how rejected you feel with the whole Dongmin situation even if his rejection hasn’t officially come yet. It’s too embarrassing for a grown adult to go through. You don’t mind being lonely for the rest of your life if you’re successful. There’s a price tag on each decision you make anyway.

“I’ll treat you to lunch every day. I’ll pay.”

You cross your arms, tapping your foot in anticipation. They say the way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. Besides, Jaehyun hates spending his lunch money on himself. This ought to do something.

Jaehyun places his hand in front of his mouth in mock surprise. “Oh no, out of your beloved paycheck? That’s kind of scary, honestly.”

“Jaehyun. Stop messing around. I’m being serious.”

He purses his lips, hesitation across his face. You don’t like the way he thinks, with quiet, lost eyes and no clear giveaways on his lips.

“Okay. I’ll do it.”

You smile in relief though you try somewhat to not let it show on your face. 

“On one condition.”

Your eyes dart across his face, nothing that tells what he might suggest next. You hate when you don’t get to decide on things.

“You have to come visit my family next month and pose as my soulmate—”

“No way.”

“—and when this whole game you’re playing is over, you’re going to say I rejected you.”

You stare at him, weighing the odds. 

“Fine,” you say finally, voice pitched in slight annoyance.

Jaehyun shrugs.

“But I tell my parents that I rejected you. Or they’ll come after you with a task force or something.”

You mutter the last part.

He grimaces, holding his breath for a good few seconds and then letting it go.

“Alright. It’s not like mine and your parents know each other—or will ever meet.”

“Fine then,” you say. “We have an agreement.”

“We have an agreement,” he repeats.

Now, back to more pressing matters. The people in front of you aren’t a stupid lot—even if you've seen Doyoung spend $500 on plush toys, seen Sicheng absentmindedly walk into a desk and pretend to not be in pain for the next five minutes and Soojin somehow convinced a senior to get her coffee because she thought he was an intern (in her defence, it worked). 

The only way is to act through. You clear your throat.

"We… we discovered it last week. Our signs match."

Technically, you drew an arrow with a permanent marker over Jaehyun's tattoo in an attempt to resemble yours. It's not awful, but perhaps not perfect. 

“Discovered? Like just happened to find out?” Doyoung asks.

“Isn’t Jaehyun’s on…” Soojin leans in to whisper hurriedly in your ear. “On his butt? Did you guys sleep together?”

You contort your face in disgust. “The what? What? Who told you that? And no.”

Soojin makes an ‘ah’ sound and leans back. “I should stop listening to office rumours then.”

"You should." You glare at her.

Sicheng is the only one without questions at the tip of his tongue but the look on his face worries you most. 

“I’ve never seen your tattoo, now that I think about it,” he muses, turning to Jaehyun. “Although we’re roommates.”

Jaehyun clears his throat, looking around with shifty eyes. "Why is… why is everyone looking so suspicious?"

"It's just… so sudden," Soojin says, looking around at the others.

"Yeah," Sicheng mutters.

"Soulmate fraud is a big deal too, you know that right?" Doyoung informs. "You could get put in jail."

You throw up your hands in exasperation. "Why would we pretend? We don't have any reason to. And, uh, you're sure about the jail thing?"

You look at Doyoung, hoping your question didn’t come off too squeaky. 

"You’re right,” he says, sighing. “It’s so unlikely for soulmates to work in the same company, let alone the same building.”

“Oh, yes, I’m so lucky,” you mutter under your breath.

Doyoung sighs. "Look, we're happy for you. It's just that… it's a little sudden."

"Literally what I just said," Soojin says.

"Literally what she just said," Doyoung agrees quickly, not wanting to pick a fight. Sometimes you wonder who the real boss is.

"Look, just because we don't even acknowledge each other or find each other remotely attractive or wouldn't even be each other's office Christmas card candidate—"

Jaehyun nudges your side with his elbow and gives you a look that seems a lot like "You're making it worse".

You clear your throat. "That's what happens to most soulmates! You think you're going to land the perfect one and boom. You get a chump from marketing."

Jaehyun makes a sound of protest. "I didn't want a snob from HR either."

The two of you glare at each other, and you find that clenching his jaw makes Jaehyun slightly (around 0.05%) more attractive, or at the very least more bearable to look at.

Doyoung gasps. "Okay, I get it. You're having adjustment issues. I know a guy for that. He's helped every newly found soulmate couple adjust with each other."

"We don't need that," you interrupt, offering your fakest smile.

"You do," Doyoung responds, his smile equally fake. "I'll drive you this weekend if you're free. He’ll give you one free session. No more, because we all know how capitalism works."

People have got to stop copying your fake smile. You wish you could have it copyrighted because after all, it’s the same smile that tricks interviewees into thinking they got the job. It’s not evil if you say it isn’t. You open your mouth, look at Jaehyun doing the same and when you can't come up with an excuse, give up and nod. 

"Don't look so resentful," Doyoung says, tone slightly complaining. "I'm not doing this as your boss. We were friends in college and I'm just doing you a favour. A friendly favour."

Soojin hums in deep thought. "I feel like this is some sort of nepotism."

"I feel like you should open a dictionary once in a while," Doyoung mutters, only to get a vaguely threatening look from Soojin.

"Anyway," Sicheng diverts, eyes curious when he turns to Doyoung. "Why did you call us here?"

"Ah." Doyoung's eyes widen. "I heard promotion rumours."

Sicheng lets out a loud huff of annoyance. "You summoned us here for company gossip?"

Doyoung crosses his arms. “So, you’re not interested?”

“Who said that?” Sicheng responds quickly, leaning in.

The five of you huddle closer in a circle, looking as conspicuous as a cult. 

“You guys know that Jinyoung’s leaving, right?” Doyoung starts.

Soojin gasps audibly only to get a smack on the arm from Doyoung. “Why’s he leaving? He's like employee of the month every month. ”

A few chuckles pass through the group at her discontentment from months of losing out on the title.

“I heard he found his soulmate. Lucky ass gets tax benefits too now,” Sicheng complains. “Why is he leaving?”

“Oh, look who’s interested in gossip now,” Soojin coos.

Sichengs turns red in the face and looks away, clearing his throat. “You’re gonna answer my question, Doyoung?”

“Oh! Right.” Doyoung looks up from a text. “He got rejected by his soulmate.”

Soojin covers her mouth this time when she gasps and you can’t say your jaw doesn’t drop as well. 

“Rejected? Like our picture-perfect Jinyoung got rejected?” you repeat, trying to process the information. “Please don’t tell me he decided to be an idiot and sign a mutual rejection.”

“No, he didn’t lose his senses,” Doyoung responds with a duh undertone. “He’s getting the compensation money.”

You sigh. “Man, I feel bad for him.”

Jaehyun hums in agreement. There’s a hush over the group and you feel fear rise in your chest. You don’t want to be rejected. You’ve seen how happy Dongmin looks with his girlfriend—he’d reject you in a heartbeat. Of course, you could just receive the compensation money from the one-sided rejection and get it over with but you refuse to. It hurts to not be wanted. It hurts to not be wanted by someone who’s supposed to want you. To be specific, it hurts your pride. Every time you see the damn arrowed heart on Dongmin’s wrist, which he tries so hard to cover with his watch, you feel like throwing up. You’re glad yours isn’t as easy to spot—resting right above your hip bone.

“Anyway, someone’s getting promoted to that HR specialist position.”

You gasp. “Is it me? It’s me, right?”

Jaehyun rolls his eyes and you elbow him. “What’s with you?”

“Don’t get too excited,” he says, shrugging. “Isn’t it stupid to get your hopes up over a rumour?”

Doyoung breathes out. “Wow, (name) really sucked the life out of you, Jaehyun.”

You glare at him when Soojin breaks into a fit of laughter. “You- you know what that- you know what that sounds like, right?”

Your face contorts into disgust and you shake your head. “Let’s be more professional, alright, Soojin?”

She clears her throat and straightens her clothes, like a teenager being reprimanded. “I’m your senior. It’s embarrassing when you say that to me.”

Jaehyun speaks up and turns to you. “I think lunch break is almost over.”

You raise an eyebrow. “So?”

“You’re forgetting something.” He smiles, dimples showing, but his eyes come off menacing.

“Fuck,” you mutter under your breath. You forgot about that stupid lunch promise. 

“Hey. Professional,” Soojin warns.

You groan and link your arm through Jaehyun’s, making him bite back a smile. What is it with men and getting weirdly happy about lunch?

“We’re gonna go get lunch,” you announce.

“Ooh, (name)’s ditching quality time with coworkers for dates now,” Soojin coos.

You roll your eyes and exit the office, stopping to wait in front of the elevator.

“I think that went well,” Jaehyun says, shrugging lightly.

“Shh. What if they hear us?”

“Do you think they’re X-men? We’re a long corridor and closed doors away.”

You huff, crossing your arms. “Still…”

Jaehyun’s smug smile makes you want to smack it right off and this isn’t the first time you’ve felt this way with him. You swear he’s not as bad as some of the guys you’ve met but Jaehyun is simply annoying. An A grade nuisance. You can trust him though. If Soojin says he’s a reliable guy, you’ll believe her—she doesn’t bluff when it comes to seeing right through men, though she does have a tendency to believe stupid rumours.

“Your acting was shit though,” you snipe.

Jaehyun lets out a low sardonic laugh. “At least I was subtle when I was messing up.”

You cross your arms and huff. “You know what? You can take the next elevator ride.”

“Huh?”

You step into the elevator just as the doors open and quickly jam your finger to the close doors button. The look of betrayal on Jaehyun’s face is subtle but it’s enough to satisfy you. As the saying goes, when one door closes, another one opens—it’s very applicable to elevators. He can take the other one.

However, almost immediately after, the elevator doors open and you groan, opening your mouth to send a sarcastic congratulations to Jaehyun for pressing the button on time.

Your words hitch on your tongue. Dongmin greets the two of you with a smile, standing beside Jaehyun, who has his eyes averted from you.

“Hey,” Dongmin greets. “Congratulations. I heard the news.”

“Thanks,” you croak, clearing your throat with a bit of heat on your cheeks. Jaehyun looks like he might burst into a fit of laughter any moment and you shoot him a subtle glare.

“Where are you headed to?” You ask.

“Oh, I’m going to grab a sandwich from the cafeteria.”

“We’re also headed to the cafeteria,” Jaehyun declares, with a smile that’s almost devilish.

“No, we’re not,” you say quickly, making Dongmin raise an eyebrow. You hold back a groan. If only Dongmin weren’t raised to be the politest man you know and a little bit more of an asshole. 

You hum and turn to Jaehyun. “I told you about that new cafe. Remember, honey?”

Dongmin makes an ‘o’ with his mouth. “Nicknames, already? Ah, I’m so jealous. It must be great to get along with your soulmate.”

Oh, the sweet summer child that Dongmin is.

Jaehyun furrows his eyebrows. “Oh, won’t it take too long, darling? We have—”

He makes a show of checking his Rolex, a gift he received from his superior that he spares no chance to flex.

“—Around ten minutes left.”

You hold back a groan and plaster on your smile. “Come on. Now is the best time.”

“That sounds like a load of—”

You elbow Jaehyun hard in the gut and a restrained sound dies in his throat, eyes widening in the sweet look of discomfort taking over his features. You smile triumphantly and turn to Dongmin with an immediate change of expression.

“I’ll see you in office later,” you say, bowing slightly.

Dongmin nods and gets off on the fifth floor. You watch in quiet relief as the elevator door closes and turn to your dear companion, irked.

“Did you have to do that?” Jaehyun asks, voice raspy with pain.

“You deserved it. Don’t you dare make this a bigger mess than it already is.”

“You came up with it.” Jaehyun straightens, finally. Apart from the few loose strands of his neatly parted hair, he doesn’t seem all that disgruntled.

“And we’re going to set some ground rules,” you declare, closing your arms.

Jaehyun straightens to his full height, the space between the two of you diminishing. 

"Okay," he agrees. "Then we both get a say in it. It's a contract, after all."

"Fine. First rule, no being weird around Dongmin."

Jaehyun chuckles. "I think you need to be more careful about that than I do."

You pat his cheek. "Focus. Just don't- don't be around him for too long."

Jaehyun purses his lips. "Why are you so uncomfortable around him? I thought you were doing this because you didn't want to reject him."

You glance away, feeling uncomfortable. "It doesn't matter. I just don't want him to know."

Jaehyun hums. "Fine. My turn. No calling me a chump."

Your cheeks puff up as you try to contain your laughter. "It bothered you that much, huh?"

Jaehyun furrows his brows. "No one's ever called me that before. It's always 'oh my god, he's so handsome, who is he?' or 'ooh, I might faint from how hot he is'."

You giggle. "Alright, handsome."

Jaehyun exhales, his puffed cheeks making him look like a resentful five year old instead of a grown man with a professional job. You pause before you get back on track.

“No nicknames,” you blurt. “It’s weird when you call me something endearing. And your flirting feels kind of threatening.”

“What do you mean, baby?”

“See! You’re doing it again.” You cross your arms at the look on his face; anything close to victorious over Jaehyun’s features is unbearable to you.

He raises his arms in exasperation. “How are we supposed to make this work if we act like we don’t care about each other. Guess why Doyoung’s taking us to couple therapy?”

You huff, slightly pissed off. “You’re saying it was my fault?”

“I’m saying we could have avoided that with better acting.”

“You think you’re so—”

The elevator door opens with a ding on the first floor and you turn to find a bunch of interns back from their lunch break. It would be much less of an awkward affair if you and Jaehyun weren’t well into each other’s personal spaces, noses almost touching and with a mutual glare which could be easily mistaken for a look of something more sensual. You jump away from Jaehyun and leave the elevator as fast as you can, feeling far too conscious of yourself. With long strides, you exit the corporate airs of the building to a sunny, fairly populous sidewalk. 

Jaehyun catches up to you, bending and trying to catch a glimpse of your face with an incredulous smile over his.

“Don’t say a word, Yoonoh.”

“Ooh, you’re saying my name now.”

“This isn’t funny!”

“I find it plenty funny.”

“That’s because of your trash sense of humour.”

“Mhm.”

“Don’t look so smug.”

Mondays are the days that make you want to scream in agony, not Thursdays—though they are pretty high up on the worst days of the week list. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe pretending to be in love with someone you simply cannot be in love with is an awful idea. 

Soulmates don’t need to be in love with each other, you think to yourself. There’s plenty of soulmates who are just in it for the financial benefits; you can just pretend to be one of them. This dilemma is starting to fray your nerves and Jung Yoonoh, with his lax disposition and dimpled cheeks, is making it worse. And to top it off, you now have to take him to your favourite (kind of secret) cafe in the name of the lies that slipped your tongue. It was supposed to be a quiet comfort spot for you.

You blow a puff of air out and dismiss the thought. Comfort spots aren’t real anyway when you’re all grown. There’s bound to be a breach. 

However, you will not let the (lacking) romance department of your life get sorted out by someone who doesn’t even know you. Lady luck would be an acquaintance to you at most. If fate is a game of chance after all, you might as well be the one spinning the roulette. You look at Jaehyun, piecing together the perfect plan for this seemingly frivolous play-pretend. The game is in your hands now. 

You blink at the figure of Jung Yoonoh under February sunlight on a modestly busy sidewalk. It’s not something to be surprised at—however, the stark contrast in attire makes you stare longer than you intend to. Wearing a black graphic hoodie and pair of worn out jeans, Jaehyun looks about as casual as you can bear. It’s always weird to see coworkers out of formal clothing.

“Are you just going to stare at me till Doyoung comes and picks us up?” he asks. 

You roll your eyes. 

“You look nice,” he says, and you glance down at your outfit with a flush of heat over your cheeks. It’s just a short A-line skirt, stockings and a sweatshirt. This is as basic as you get. What’s worse is that his comment didn’t sound sarcastic.

“You- You look nice too. I guess.” Once in a while, you will say something extremely stupid and pretend it never happened. The frequency increases around Jaehyun for some damn reason.

“You guess? I’m pretty sure I look more than nice.”

“And how long did you look at yourself in the mirror and practise catchphrases this time?”

Jaehyun’s ears turn the shade of cherries and you press down your smile. You knew that time you caught him talking to himself in front of a car window would play to your advantage. 

“What’s that you’re holding?” you ask, eyeing the plastic bag he’s holding.

“Ginseng,” he answers, staring blankly at the cars passing by. “I heard the couples therapist is in his sixties so he might find it useful.”

“Oh, old people stuff,” you muse quietly. “That’s quite thoughtful of you.”

You should’ve brought something, you think for a moment before realizing that couples probably don’t give separate gifts. 

“Thanks,” you mutter.

He raises an eyebrow. “For what?”

You shake your head. “Anyway, we might as well kill some time. Twenty questions. Let’s go.”

He laughs. “What are we, in college?”

You wrinkle your nose. “Don’t make us sound like we’re thirty. I bet you’re the kind of guy who has his retirement plan figured out.”

“Wrong,” he emphasizes, face leaning closer. 

“Fine. I’ll start the questions, you unsalted block of butter. How many relationships have you been in?”

Jaehyun opens his mouth and closes it, ears turning red. “That’s your first question?”

You roll your eyes. “Okay. I’m guessing it’s single digit and on the lower side.”

He rolls his eyes. “How many relationships have you been in?”

You shut your mouth. There’s a moment of silence, a breeze passing you by, carrying winter away in its arms to make room for spring. 

“Never found a relationship worth it,” you mutter, glancing away. 

Jaehyun hesitates before opening his mouth. “Me neither.”

“Good thing for us, eh? Love makes people crazy.”

Jaehyun faces you with a clipped smile. Never did you think Jaehyun from marketing would be relating to you on a personal matter.

“Oh, but I’ve had enough hookups and I can bet you’re mediocre at best in bed.” 

Jaehyun glares at you. “I am not and I can prove it to you.”

“Is that an invitation into your bed? No, thanks.”

He opens his mouth to retort but is interrupted by the Hyundai Grandeur pulling up to the sidewalk and rolling down the driver window to reveal Doyoung. He looks as overworked as usual, but his eyes are more tired, a bit of makeup covering the dark circles. You’ve heard his soulmate is a makeup artist for an idol group and wonder how they even came to be. Does fate throw darts randomly and pick its choice?

“Get in. Quick,” Doyoung instructs. “I have to drop you off and head home. My family is visiting. I didn’t even get a warning and they think I’m in a gay relationship with Taeyong because we still have our friendship rings from college.”

You want to laugh and agree but Doyoung looks rather pissed off so you hold it in. The two of you do as told, getting in the backseat and shutting the doors in sync. The car smells rather leafy mingling with the scent of fresh clothes and you eye the jar dangling from the rear-view mirror. You open your mouth to ask what scent that is when Doyoung’s voice rings out.

“What’s that?” Doyoung signals to the bag with Jaehyun.

Jaehyun looks down. “Ginseng extract.”

“Oh, the gift pack?” Doyoung asks. 

Jaehyun nods and Doyoung chuckles, shaking his head. “If that’s for Mr. Lee, forget it. He hates gifts. Something about inward appreciation and shit.”

Jaehyun groans, massaging his forehead. “What do I do with this then? Is this guy a priest?”

“Give it to Doyoung,” you suggest. “His family’s visiting.”

You hear an audible hum of approval from the driver seat and turn to Jaehyun making a face of reluctance. Maybe he isn’t so magnanimous after all, you think smiling.

“You’re both quite tame today,” Doyoung remarks, just when the silence is starting to swallow the inside of the car. “Makes me wonder if you need Mr. Lee after all.”

“We actually don’t…” You shake your head. “We’re here and it’s free so why not?”

Jaehyun shoots you a questioning look. It’s not like you can cancel when you’re in Doyoung’s car and already on the way. You’ve known your boss long enough to know the wrong answer to his questions. You look outside at Seoul streets and sigh. 

Jaehyun looks at you, your focus elsewhere and wishes this would end already. He has no idea what overcame him to accept your ridiculous offer but he must be just as ridiculous. At the very least, he finds you quite lovely to look at—not that he’d ever admit it to you. The foundation to this weird bickering friendship (if he can call it that) would be ruined by that. His ego, however, has been boosted up a few notches from the fact that you called him for help. He looks outside the window, holding back a smile. It’s a sunny day.

The therapist, Mr. Lee’s office building is a fancy one with an even fancier lobby. Baby pink leather couches cushion your bum nicely as you wait for your appointment. The architecture is that of a corporate firm and you feel quite at home with the large glass walls by the revolving door. This therapist guy must be rich as hell. The receptionist wears a formal uniform; her blouse is light pink with a grey pencil skirt and you like the look of it. You wonder if asking her where she bought it is time-appropriate. More couples sit around you and you, unfortunately, have to scoot closer to Jaehyun as a result. You do not want to catch that disease they all have. Why are they even here for therapy if they’re smiling at each other in that sickly enamored way? 

Now that you’re here, you’re starting to feel that this arrangement was ill-decisive. You should’ve done a better job of acting. You wonder if you can get a refund for that college course on acting, pouting as the ticking wall clock gets on your nerves. Even the marble floors are pink; the walls are mahogany red and there’s a heart-shaped wall clock, and should you glance around more, you’re going to nauseate yourself. This guy certainly takes his job seriously—or just really likes pink-red themes.

A woman in her early thirties exits the elevator and announces your names, and you click your tongue at the fact that she used Jung for your surname. It sounds distasteful. 

You follow her, starting to get nervous. You really hope this Mr. Lee isn’t as good as Doyoung says he is. Your fraud falling apart within three days is too embarrassing a defeat, not to mention bordering on illegal if found out. What the fuck does the government care about broken hearts and beneficial relationships? It’s so nosy. You understand the financial situation in case of happily bonded soulmates but apart from that, there really shouldn’t be this much discrepancy in the name of love.

Love drives people crazy. You’d rather not lose your good sense in the name of something so inane. After all, money makes the world go around, not love. 

Restricting a gag at the deep red heart on the door, you push them open with Jaehyun to find an old man sitting on a similar baby pink couch as in the lobby. He gets up to greet the two of you, the wrinkles on his face deepening when he smiles. Despite everything, he has a sort of grace to him, the one that comes with growing old elegantly. An upbeat song plays on a record player attached to the wall, although at a very low volume, and the tune reminds you of Animal Crossing. 

“Doyoung told me about the two of you,” Mr. Lee says, gesturing at the two of you to sit down. “How long has it been since you found out?”

“Six days,” you answer at the same time Jaehyun answers, “Four days”.

The two of you look at each other.

“Four-Six days. We didn’t keep track.”

“Ah,” Mr. Lee says. “How do you propose to celebrate your anniversary?”

You hesitate opening your mouth and declaring that you don’t really need to do that crap. Mr. Lee notices your expression and breaks into gentle laughter. 

“I’m kidding. Anniversary dates don’t matter,” he laughs. “It’s okay to celebrate your 100-day on the wrong day. Don’t worry.”

You purse your lips. To your dismay, Jaehyun isn’t as bothered by the sickly pink environment and Mr. Lee’s relaxed demeanour.

“I have a hundred percent success rate,” Mr. Lee assures the two of you, looking directly at you.

“That’s what I’m worried about,” you mutter under your breath and get a nudge from Jaehyun, who has his politest smile on.

You can’t believe Jaehyun has a better customer service mode than you do. If you didn’t know him, you’d be fooled into thinking he’s the nice guy character every office has. Unfortunately, that one goes to Dongmin. You hate getting stuck with nice guys (unless they offer financial stability).

“I think Doyoung might have been exaggerating,” Jaehyun explains calmly. “Whatever he told you.”

“He told me the two of you have a bickering problem. And staring at each other when the other isn’t looking.”

You cough. “That is not true. The staring part.”

Jaehyun narrows his eyes at you. “I knew you were checking me out,” he mutters.

You roll your eyes. “Keep dreaming, Jaehyun.”

Mr. Lee laughs. “Your bickering seems to be quite affectionate. I don’t know what that boy was worried about.”

You press your lips together into a thin smile, annoyed that anyone would ever describe your interaction with a man as affectionate. It makes you feel like an idiot. You were always better off alone—the universe was wrong to assign Dongmin to you. Maybe you needed to see the apparent love of your life clearly in love with someone else to snap you to reality.

“However, what is a playful lover’s fight in the beginning can turn into real fights.”

“Right,” you mutter. “It’s all fun and games in the beginning.”

“The two of you have almost no animosity—you’ve known each other before you discovered the soulmark, right?”

The two of you nod, having already reconciled yourselves to this session. It’s a one-time thing, you tell yourself. It will be over soon.

“The soulmate information shouldn’t influence the relationship you already had. If anything, it should be drawing you closer. First time awkwardness is common.”

He’s starting to sound a lot like your high school sex ed teacher. You get the idea to pretend to be sick and get out of this early.

“Company policy too,” Jaehyun mutters. “Unofficial company policy makes office romance out to be some sort of sacrilege.”

“You know, I was the CEO of your company so I do know the policies,” Mr. Lee says, smiling in the confident, reserved way senior citizens offering wisdom do. 

You choke on the water you were taking a sip of, a coughing fit overcoming you and Jaehyun hesitates before awkwardly patting your back.

“Huh? CEO? I’m sorry?” you manage. 

Mr. Lee lets out a loud, hearty laugh. “I stepped down two years ago.”

“That’s when I joined,” you and Jaehyun say at the same time.

Mr. Lee smiles at the two of you wordlessly. “I have an idea for the two of you. Why don’t you try turning your ‘I’s into ‘we’s? Do some activities together and when you talk about it, you’ll find yourself much closer.”

You narrow your eyes. “You know, Mr. Lee, I’m a little curious about your relation with the company—”

“My recommendations won’t help you get promotions faster.”

“Dammit.”

Jaehyun chuckles beside you but a glare from you turns it into a suppressed smile. The one thing that wouldn’t be a waste of time opened its door and closed it right back. 

“But you know how promotions work,” you press, leaning forward.

An alarm rings, so pleasant in tone that you know it’s a Samsung. Unfortunately, it’s the ugly flip model and you question Mr. Lee’s taste (and wealth).

“Oh, look, time’s up,” Mr. Lee announces, and you think you catch a hint of nervousness in his voice. 

Jaehyun springs up before his ears turn red, embarrassed by the gusto with which he himself got up and looks at you expectantly. You get up, sighing.

“Next time, Mr. Lee,” you warn. “I will get those details.”

“I charge by the hour.” He smiles.

“Stop threatening the therapist,” Jaehyun mutters to you, taking your arm and turning to leave.

“Oh, and,” Mr. Lee calls. “It’s always better to be honest than to pretend.”

You blink in surprise when Jaehyun tugs at your arm, bowing in thanks and leaving the room with you.

“Was it just me or did he see through us?” you whisper to Jaehyun.

He shakes his head, whispering back, “There’s no way he could tell. He’s probably referring to something else.”

“Like what?”

Jaehyun doesn’t answer.

“Tell me, are you always so domineering towards strangers even?” he asks. “I just thought you liked to press my buttons because I’m easygoing.”

You scoff. “Don’t flatter yourself. You’re not as cool as you think you are, especially since you get so hot and bothered by me.”

“It’s just you,” he whispers earnestly and your pulse rises. “No one else.”

You cough to kill the awkward silence and walk faster to the elevator. Jaehyun follows at a leisurely pace and it’s never occurred to you before but the sound of someone’s footsteps can also be annoying, proof currently standing beside you.

The elevator doors open, and much to your appallment, a young couple happens to be full blown making out inside the elevator, hands where there certainly shouldn’t be in broad daylight. Jaehyun whips his face away, clearing his throat loud enough for the couple to detach themselves from each other and hurriedly exit, fixing their clothes on the way.

“So he wasn’t lying about the success rate,” Jaehyun states quietly, a look of resigned horror on his face.

You can’t even respond for a few moments, following him into the elevator and shaking your head to get rid of the thought that inevitably jams itself inside your head. It might have a point, however.

"Maybe we should kiss too," you think out loud.

Jaehyun stiffens, looking at you with wide, fearful eyes. "No."

"We have to kiss, we're dating!" You exclaim, hands on your hips.

"We're not actually—ah, whatever. It’s not worth bickering with you."

"Why? Afraid you'll fall in love with me?”

Jaehyun shakes his head, and you’re suddenly aware that your bickering keeps drawing you closer to each other, your faces nearer than you’d realized.

"If anything," he starts with a confident smile. "You better not fall in love with me."

"Oh, please. You're taking this way too seriously."

"You're the one that wants to kiss me."

Your cheeks heat up. "You're- I- That's not—argh, fuck you."

Jaehyun looks smug, and you have the unstoppable urge to punch it off his face. You take a deep breath. Violence is not the way, (name).

“If we were a few years younger, you’d be begging for mercy under me,” you seethe.

Jaehyun’s eyes shift over your face in confusion, ears burning bright red with each passing second. Before he can open his mouth, you let out a short yell.

“Not like that, you pervert,” you say, leaning away from him. 

“I didn’t even say anything. On an unrelated note, were you a delinquent in school?”

You roll your eyes. “Kind of. I had a temper and a sharp tongue.”

“And now you’re a people pleaser. That’s quite the development.”

You smack his shoulder. “You’re getting on my nerves, punk.”

He makes an ‘oh’ with his mouth before smiling. “You totally did the delinquent accent.”

“I’m guessing you were the shy, little boy who flushed red at conversations about kissing.”

Jaehyun clears his throat in annoyance. “I was not. I was quite popular in high school and college, you know?”

“Yeah,” you mutter. “It’s that face of yours.”

“Sorry, what? I didn’t catch that.”

“Oh, look, we’re on the first floor.” You exit the elevator, leaving a puzzled Jaehyun to follow in stumbling steps.

“I don’t think Doyoung’s picking us up,” you state. “You take the bus? Or do you have a car to flex? I don’t ride in anything below a Tesla, unless it’s Doyoung because he’s technically my boss.”

“You’ll have to do with good old rented Hyundais,” he answers.

You exhale. Maybe he’s getting used to you. The bus stop is opposite the building, the structure squeaky clean and a bunch of people waiting on the seats. It’s a busy place and you wonder if the scammy-therapist-slash-your-former-ceo’s business has anything to do with that. You sit the first chance you get, shoulders pressed against Jaehyun’s for the lack of space and admiring the passing traffic. Seoul really just depends on the lenses you see through. Work days make the screen tinted grey and blue and you hate them often but some days, it’s good to experience those. Weekends are brighter, sunny and usually not with Jaehyun but he doesn’t really put a damper on them either.

You scan his side profile, a little envious when you realize that his confidence isn’t misplaced. You might have trained yourself to be more of a pleaser over the years but he’s the sort of person people come to like naturally. Moreover, his skin is perfect and his hair is always looking styled even in a mess. Fate and Life are partners in crime when it comes to being unfair.

Jaehyun turns to look at you and you snap your head to your lap, turning on your phone and staring at the homescreen for a good few seconds.

“Twenty questions,” Jaehyun announces. “Let’s play again. I’ll go first. Do you check me out when I walk away?”

“What is this, playing my own cards against me?” You scoff. “You’re so full of yourself.”

“So, yes or no?”

“Sometimes,” you mutter. “But it’s not the good kind of checking out. I’m checking out how terrible you look with your mess of a tie.”

Jaehyun laughs, the sound a hearty rumbling sort and you can’t help but smile back at that. It’s kind of cute when he laughs—the sound of it and the way his cheeks are dusted pink.

“My turn,” you say with a cheeky smile as you lean in to whisper. “Have you ever had a wet dream about me?”

Jaehyun chokes on air, coughing out the surprise as he stares at you dumfound. You stick the tip of your tongue out and throw him a wink, thoroughly enjoying this victory against him. It feels great to fluster someone like Jaehyun.

“No,” he says with clear emphasis. 

“Even the night you said I was so unbearably hot very loudly to Sicheng?”

Jaehyun leans back sighing, covering his face with his hand. “I was tipsy. And it was my first night out with coworkers. Give me a break.”

You giggle. “Honestly, it wasn’t that bad. There were worse incidents that night. An intern threw up on Doyoung’s shoes—I can’t even imagine the horror the poor girl experienced.”

Jaehyun shakes his head, smiling through his hand. 

“Have you ever sent nudes?” you ask, wiggling your eyebrows.

He sighs. “Maybe. Have you?”

“Oh, wouldn’t you like to know?”

He curls his lips. The answer seems to be no but you’re at least seventy percent sure he would be attracted to you in a world where your personality traits weren’t being nosy and annoying.

“Do you think you’re a good kisser?” Jaehyun asks, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees.

“Definitely.”

He scoffs, a smile tugging at his lips.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You cross your arms.

He shrugs, leaning in slightly as though flirting (if he had the audacity). “We could test that.”

You feel your cheeks heat up. “What happened to no kissing in the contract?”

“It’s not officially there.”

You roll your eyes, glancing away. “You know, I’m starting to believe you were some sort of desperate fuckboy in college.”

“I- I was the hottest dude on campus and if we went to the same college, you would be pining after me. I literally had the Campus Prince title and girls would follow me to see me in class.”

He crosses his arms, a frown tugging down his lips.

“Ooh, Jung Yoonoh’s getting fired up,” you say in a monotonous voice. “Wonder how many girls you pulled with your chewed up fuckboy dialogue.”

Jaehyun scoffs but he clearly finds your accusations amusing, as hinted by his unbothered smile. He asks a question again.

“What’s more important to you—truth or happiness?” 

The question catches you off-guard. Jaehyun’s eyes are delicately curious, nothing too strong and even so, you find yourself holding your breath under his gaze.

“Huh?”

“Twenty questions. We were playing?” Jaehyun raises an eyebrow.

“Right.” You clear your throat, rubbing the back of your hand. “I… I’d choose happiness, I think. I’m… I’m not sure.”

“Really?” He doesn’t look too hellbent on taking apart your answer so you breathe out. He’s starting to pry into you finally. “I think the truth will make you happier.”

“That’s not- that’s not always true.” You look away, hoping the quietness of your voice ends the conversation there. You don’t know how to talk about it—you never really have. You’ve ugly cried over the lack of your love life to a stranger after five shots of whiskey but you don’t think you can talk about things like this sober. You don’t even know why you answered. Jaehyun makes you feel oddly comfortable.

Jaehyun shrugs, getting up when the next bus halts in front. 

“What did you major in?” you ask, following him.

“Business,” he answers before thinking. “Kind of hated it. But I started out with IT and that was somehow worse.”

You gasp, taking a seat beside him on the bus. “I started with IT too! It was a nightmare. You took that Database Management course?”

Jaehyun smiles. “It was like the course equivalent of reading the back of a Wi-Fi Router.”

You laugh. Maybe he isn’t so different after all. 

“You know, you do look like a business major,” you hum, furrowing your brows as you pretend to scrutinise him.

“So, you’re indirectly saying I either look like a rich kid or a jackass.” Jaehyun raises an eyebrow.

“They’re both the same thing.”

The laughter from the two of you makes an old woman behind you grunt in displeasure and the two of you apologize. It’s nice to talk like college kids again. The Seoul sunlight shines on Jaehyun’s face and you bite back a smile when his dimples appear. They aren’t all that bad. If you get along like this, there’s no reason to worry about fate and the universe and other superfluous things offered to you on a boring old ceramic plate. It’s a smooth ride.

Your eyes drift to Dongmin’s workspace instinctively and you shake your head. This is exactly why you were avoiding him and even started the entire fake relationship with Jaehyun. You’d choose fake dating a (good-looking) chump from management over embarrassment and possible heartbreak any day.

You groan internally before glancing again and find the desk empty. Surprised, you blink and turn only to scream at Dongmin’s figure behind you.

“Shh!” he says urgently. “Don’t move. And don’t panic when I say this but there’s a bug on your shoulder.”

“What the fuck? Get it off, please,” you say, voice choking up.

Dongmin rolls up a stack of papers and you let out a low screech. “Don’t kill it on my shoulder!”

“Sorry,” he says and your eyes soften as he gently pushes the paper against your shoulder and takes it away. You breathe a sigh of relief and he signs you a thumbs up as he wiggles the paper in the air outside the window. 

“You saved me,” you say, smiling.

He returns it, his most beloved eye smile making you wonder if you made the right choice. Wouldn’t it be fun to just crash everything and watch it burn? You know you want to. Benevolence and grace were never your style. However, it’s his smile again that stops you. Maybe you don’t really want to be the bad guy after all. You’re sparing him from confusion and dread.

You’re sparing yourself from rejection and inevitable loneliness (yay).

It’s been a week, discussing details with Jaehyun before the both of you collectively decided to just wing it and hope you’re not caught. After all, there’s no real way to prove you’re not soulmates if you’re careful enough (the same way you can’t prove someone’s cheating if they’re careful enough but that’s quite a depressing analogy). Perhaps if you renounce the soulmate benefits (and Dongmin didn’t smile as often at you), it would be less morally taxing. You, however, are greedy. When you want something, you’ll do anything to get it.

You stare at the computer screen and sigh, cross checking the employee records for incorrect data and your eyelids start to droop. Of all the days, you just had to be assigned the most boring task on a Friday. You also should’ve gotten sleep instead of getting mad at Jaehyun’s dry responses to your plan of action. It was perfectly viable; unnecessary, but perfect nonetheless.

Soojin rolls her chair backwards into yours. “We’re going drinking tonight. Wanna come? You can bring your boy-toy too.”

You roll your eyes. “As much as I’d love to call him that, he’s still the chump from marketing for me.”

“Or,” Soojin emphasizes. “Your actual soulmate. How lucky is it that you work in the same building, in the same company?”

“I’m not sure if you’re being ironic.” You scroll through the database with trained eyes.

“I’m not. A lot of soulmates don’t even get to see each other because of their line of work. It’s so tragic.”

You’d be glad if you didn’t get to see Dongmin ever too. But you’ll keep that to yourself. You hum in response and hear a sigh from behind you.

“Let’s have fun,” she whines. “Is Jaehyun that much of a downer? He’s one of the hottest dudes in the building. I thought you’d be cheery.”

You pause and think to yourself. She does have a point. You’re definitely supposed to look happier. Your soulmate has the looks of a model and fifteen year old you would fawn over him no doubt.

“It’s the work,” you answer. “I’m working overtime to compensate for my rent.”

You work overtime anyway because you hate heading home to an empty apartment. 

“Ah, you signed a new lease, right? Near Songpa?” Soojin looks at you with pity and pats your shoulder. “You know what? I’ll treat you to drinks tonight. You deserve a day off, missy.”

You smile. “Thanks, Soojin.”

“And,” she adds in a singsong voice. “The love of your life is here.”

You furrow your eyebrows before tilting your head and almost sighing in exasperation at the figure of Jung Yoonoh outside the glass door. He may not show it, but you know distress when you see it. You’ve seen enough squirming undergraduates at company interviews. 

You quickly get up from your seat, praying that he didn’t mess something up. However, you find it cute when he looks like this, the urge to fluster him even more presenting itself to be rather tempting.

“I think you have a sick obsession with me, Jaehyun.” You cross your arms after closing the door behind you.

He exhales, closing his eyes for a moment before taking your arm and pulling you away from the door. 

“Woah, this isn’t high school. You can’t just pull me into a corner to make out.”

Jaehyun’s ears flare hot red and he clears his throat. “You’re in high spirits today.”

You weren’t, actually. Somehow, teasing Jaehyun gives you the same rush as caffeine. You just love when the nonchalance on his face turns into discomposure.

“I came to give Doyoung these files. Or you, since you’re practically his assistant.”

You ignore his comment. “There’s clearly something else.”

“The team sports event is coming up,” Jaehyun starts, hesitating. “I’m not managing it this year. I have to participate.”

“So?”

“So Dongmin has a higher chance of finding us out. What if he sees my mark in the changing room and it all goes to shit?”

“Great! He’ll think you’re his soulmate and I’ll be spared from this nonsense.”

“I’m being serious. It’s already difficult living with Sicheng and having to change with my doors locked. It’s kind of suspicious.”

“Do you guys sleep naked with each other or what?”

“No, but I do sleep with my shirt off.”

“Ugh. Why would you give me that image?” you complain. The image isn’t bad per se but it’s not what you need right now.

“You clearly liked it,” he mutters. 

You furrow your eyebrows. “You’re not doing this just to give me a load of unnecessary anxiety, are you? Do you know how swamped with work I am?”

“No, of course not,” he answers, no indication of which question he answered. “Also, is there a reason Soojin’s glaring at me?”

You wave your hand in dismissal. “It’s just the haven’t-warmed-up-to-coworker’s-new-boyfriend glare. Don’t worry about it.”

He doesn’t seem too relieved but you have more anxious thoughts invading the privacy of your Friday evening. You have to keep up your composure. It could happen one way or another, perhaps in a situation better than a team sports activity, but you have to figure it out. You reject your soulmate anyway—the same way he would.

Glaring at Jaehyun one last time, you get back to your desk. Jaehyun looks at your receding figure and finds himself checking you out, the largest blow he’s taken to his dignity. He shakes his head, breathing in and out. This is so not like him. He’s supposed to be the suave, handsome guy who people can’t seem to get to and yet—yet, you do it so easily. It’s unfair. He swallows his heart and tells himself he’s too old to feel this way. He’ll just drown himself in work and pretend love is a commodity like everyone else with a corporate job is supposed to. 

“You know,” Soojin starts when you get back. “Jaehyun kind of looks high if you look at him long enough. Weed is illegal though but who knows? Maybe he’s a bad boy deep down after all.”

“Which rumour have you been paying attention to now?” You sigh deeply.

Soojin laughs. “It’s funny to hear everyone’s opinions. Even if most of them turn into scandalous tall tales.”

“Anyway,” she continues. “I’m clocking out. I’ll get Jaehyun to take you to the sake bar.”

You look at her, puzzled.

“You’re a matching set now,” she follows up and you groan.

“Don’t give me that cr—”

“Toodle-oo! Let’s have some fun before we’re grey and old, eh?”

You sigh and nod. Maybe you should look into a caffeine fix, even if it costs you a mental power outage at the end of the rush. It’s not like you to be so down on a Friday but alas, Fate is as miserable a woman as you are. The sake bar is starting to sound good.

Or, you could always watch a few ASMR cooking videos instead of staring blankly at the employee records. Either way, this Friday better improve by tonight.

“This is going great,” Soojin says, louder than she probably intended after her fourth shot.

“Of course it is,” you mutter. 

You haven’t yet had a chance to drink more because of two reasons: one) Soojin is hogging the alcohol and two) it would be embarrassing to get drunk in front of Jaehyun. Adding to your misery, Soojin has been gushing over her soulmate and the way she always makes breakfast for Soojin, listing off every single recipe she’s made. You would love to listen but you’re a tiny bit past your limit.

“Wooh, Jaehyun, you look hot,” Soojin whistles, in more of an older sister manner. “I can almost see your tattoo. Why don’t the two of you show us at the same time and we can take a commemorative picture?”

You cough loudly. “Mine’s on my waist, Soojin. I’m not ready to expose skin.”

“Right. Sorry.” She turns back at lightning speed to bother Dongmin with her stories, who smiles at her politely. It seems so genuine that you’re slightly enamored with it for a moment. There’s Jungwoo from marketing beside him, some more HR employees and thankfully, no interns. Doyoung is the only one partly miserable in the lot, talking into the phone for half an hour now. 

“Shit.” Jaehyun nudges you and whispers, “I forgot about the tattoo. This T-shirt makes it very visible.”

You look at him, alarmed. You fix his jacket, startling him, and pull the zipper all the way to his neck, making sure to backhand him on the chin.

“There.”

“It’s hot in here.”

“What do you want me to do about it? God, you’re like a child.”

“I’m like a—okay. Just cover my tattoo with foundation or something.”

“You think I carry around a whole bottle of foundation?”

Jaehyun blinks, deeming it safer to keep his mouth shut. 

“Okay. Fine. I have an idea. Come to the washroom with me.”

“Oh my, this isn’t your making out in the corner type of thing, right?”

You glare at him and he shuts up, following you quietly to the surprisingly clean restroom. The fact that it isn’t gendered makes you very glad. You make Jaehyun sit on the low enough basin counter and push your knee against it to balance yourself as you take out a permanent marker from your bag.

“I hope Doyoung doesn’t fire me for sneaking away,” you mutter angrily. “He didn’t even make me receive his calls all day.”

Jaehyun scoffs lightly. “Please, Doyoung adores you and your work ethic. He talks about it more than what I need to overhear. That and Taeyong’s detailed aquarium maintenance rules.”

“He does?”

Jaehyun clears his throat and you hold back bombing him with more questions till you’re done with painting an arrow into his tattoo.

“Isn’t it weird?” He looks at you with round, curious eyes. “Yours is a heart. Mine’s a pierced heart.”

“Hm. Funny coincidence.”

“Do you have to sit on my lap for this?”

“I’m not sitting on your lap,” you hiss. You are kind of close. You train your eyes on his collarbone as you pull his neckline down. 

It would be so embarrassing to be caught like this. You’d rather be caught making out with someone in the broom closet. You hold back a pained sigh. Jaehyun has some nerve speaking to you when you’re already annoyed with him. Couldn’t he just have worn his business attire? Why does he get to go home early? Taeyong is far too lenient a boss. You start swearing internally, getting nervous when you think about the consequences of your actions.

“Has anyone ever filed a complaint against you?” Jaehyun asks, and you nudge his chin upwards to draw the line on his tattoo.

“For what? Being perfect and successful?”

“For that attitude. The ‘take what I want’ attitude.”

You roll your eyes. “No. You’re saying it like I’m awful to the core for trying to take what I want. I haven’t got such a bad soul, you know, as souls go. You wouldn't write articles about how good a soul it is but… it’s well enough.”

Jaehyun raises an eyebrow and you avert your gaze from his eyes. This sort of proximity shouldn’t be bothering you, you shouldn’t be rambling.

The door opens right then and in a fit of panic, you do the unthinkable. You press your lips to Jaehyun’s and pray that whoever walked in has no idea who you are and more importantly, can’t see the permanent marker in your hand. 

“I’m so sorry!”

You know that voice. You half regret it when you hear it. Dongmin exits the bathroom as quickly as he entered and you pull away to look at the empty space. Beside you, Jaehyun stays so still that you forget he’s there for a moment. You breathe out in relief though part of you still feels a heavy ounce of regret.

You turn back to Jaehyun and find his doe eyes soft and lost in thought.

“I get it now,” Jaehyun whispers. “It must hurt. That he doesn’t care about the system.”

“What are you talking about?”

“That he’s so reckless about discarding you.”

You separate yourself from him further, standing up and brushing your clothes. “You’re overstepping.”

“Sorry,” he responds quietly. 

There’s a pause.

“Did you just kiss me right now?”

“Shut up. I didn’t want him to see us and especially this.” You wave the marker in front of his face.

“You just kissed me in a fit of panic. That’s the first time I’ve seen someone respond to panic this way.” Jaehyun looks a little too smug.

“What are you implying?” 

“You wanted to kiss me.”

You scoff. “Don’t get too ahead of yourself.” 

You want to knock the smile right off his face but you stick to flicking his forehead, his yell of surprise satisfying. This Friday night was supposed to get better. In fact, you are going to make it better if life won’t. The soju won’t drink itself and you deem that Soojin has had enough. 

Ignoring Dongmin’s confused look, you order far too many soju shots to be considered healthy. As you promised yourself, you are going to make this Friday better.

//

You just had to go and get drunk. Jaehyun stares at you, blinking slowly and wondering just how much you can embarrass yourself before it becomes a burden for him. He has to get you home; you’re practically a matching set now. But are the halves of a pair supposed to take care of the other when they get drunk?

“You know what, guys?” You announce, standing up abruptly and immediately getting pulled back to your seat by Jaehyun. It doesn’t stop your mouth however.

“I hate the stupid system,” you continue. “To tell the truth—”

He smacks his hand over your mouth. Jaehyun has had enough of the silent mini heart attacks you give him. The rest look at him with puzzled looks and he can’t even bring himself to give them a polite smile before dragging you out of the bar. The night breeze is cold enough—maybe it’ll sober you up.

"You're so annoying, Jaehyun," you mutter, massaging your forehead. "Did you know that?"

Or maybe it won’t.

"Never heard that before."

"How do you always keep to yourself and still be the center of attention?" You cling to his arm for balance. 

"Have you considered that maybe a polite man isn't as scheming as you think he is?"

You curl your lips. "Stop using big sentences. I hate that I barely know you, and I know everyone."

Jaehyun purses his lips. "You just enjoy the power that comes with figuring people out. Don't you?"

"Whatever you say. I want life to be a nice and smooth ride but then again, I can't even face my soulmate." You let out an airy laugh. "I didn't really need one though."

Jaehyun laughs in disbelief. "You look like you're dying of loneliness."

"Ooh, that's a big claim, Yoonoh."

"You say I keep to myself but what about you? You like hiding, don't you?"

You laugh. "Is this the part where I say we're nothing alike?"

He purses his lips, shaking his head in dismissal. He's just tired of chit-chat with someone who smells like she robbed a liquor store in Itaewon.

“You must think I’m some sort of selfish, vapid, work-obsessed overachiever,” you continue, tilting your head with a blank look in your eyes.

“Well, not exac—”

“But guess what? Your opinions are invalid, Jung Yoonoh. You’re just some chump from marketing. A very good-looking chump but still.”

Jaehyun swears under his breath as you fling your arms open in the same manner a speech-giving patriot fighting for freedom would. Unfortunately, the freedom struggle is private in this day and age, and you just smacked him in the nose instead.

You sigh deeply and he looks at you again, warily now as he holds his nose.

“You’re not exactly wrong either. I’m so empty. Like a bottle of soju with no soju. Could you bring me some?”

Jaehyun massages his temples and solidifies his resolve. He’s had enough stares from people on the sidewalk. With delicate concern, he holds you up with one arm around your waist, balancing your weight evenly so you can stand. Promptly, you bury your face into his neck and an embarrassing, high-pitched squeak evades the filter of his mouth. You’re just so adept at making his days (and nights) worse.

Jaehyun tries his best to carry you to the parking lot without any signs of struggle but good lord, are you uncooperative. Once he’s down lugging you to the passenger seat, he breathes out in relief at long last and makes sure you don’t fold in over yourself dozing off the seat. Getting you to sit up, he finds himself smiling the slightest bit at your smudged lipstick. Even like this, you’re quite pretty. 

Realizing what thought came over him, he shakes his head vigorously as if he’s committing a horrible crime. He just has to get you home—Soojin had texted him the address prior to the outing just in case—and then he can go back to pretending whatever he even is supposed to.

The sports event is really just HR and Management trying to one-up the other in a more quantitative way. You’re not really fond of the sweat and heavy breathing that comes with physical exertion if it’s for the sake of competition. Competition is such a childish, masculine way of handling things, especially emotions.

HR is leading in wins, however and that means you have something to rub in Jaehyun’s face. You hate participating but you’re not allowed to opt out without a medical certificate. At least one competition, and you had to choose the three-legged race. All these potential partners, and Dongmin had to choose you.

“I’ll win,” you tell Jaehyun, stopping by him once you exit the changing room. The indoor stadium is usually a recreational facility for senior employees but on sports day, it’s closer to a gladiator arena. The seats are green and occupied by grinning employees, most of them glad for a day off but also upset they don’t get to attend their personal affairs in it.

Jaehyun stops himself from rolling his eyes. “Shouldn’t it be a ‘we’? You need a partner. Oh, are you sad you can’t pick me?”

“Not at all.” You cross your arms, annoyed at his mock pity. 

Right then, Dongmin jogs up to you in a blue tracksuit. His hair sticks to his forehead because unlike you, he takes sports very seriously. Jaehyun, on the other hand, just seems to enjoy the competition. As a guilty pleasure, you’d like to see the two of them compete one day. That would be a competition worth betting on.

“I’ll have to borrow your soulmate.” Dongmin laughs. “The race is starting.”

Life strikes again with its poorly timed irony.

“Don’t mind me,” Jaehyun says politely.

The race is easier than you thought it would be considering most of the other employees struggle with teamwork. You’re the HR team for a reason. But then again, you feel a certain hollowness pervade you while you’re pressed to Dongmin’s side. Wouldn’t it be nice?

All you can think is that Dongmin and you are perfectly in sync. The realization comes off as sad despite your victory and the wide grins on both of your faces. 

Jaehyun purses his lips and gives the two of you a nonchalant look. He’s avoided getting caught in the changing room quite well. For some reason, he’s glad that you’re winning but also dissatisfied about it. He would certainly feel different if he were participating in that race, wouldn’t he? He would win. Losing a competition is a huge blow to his ego. Lately, he seems to be losing a lot of races. The two of you have been growing closer and he doesn’t mind late night discussions about flawed systems and childhood memories; but the fact that you’re growing on him is something for him to be on edge about. He’s never felt so close to someone, and still so far.

“Oh, they have good chemistry, don’t they?” Doyoung comments beside Jaehyun, before taking a sip from his bottle.

“What chemistry?” Jaehyun snaps and Doyoung almost chokes on the water.

“Chill out, man.” Doyoung eyes Jaehyun’s figure in concern. “She’s like officially yours.”

Jaehyun refuses in a series of sputtering responses. “That’s not what I meant. I’m not jealous. I’m not that kind of man.”

“I didn’t paint you as that kind of man either,” Doyoung mutters before speaking up. “But love, Jaehyun. Love’s a weird thing.”

Jaehyunn ignores his comment and walks down to the grounds, jogging up to you. He immediately forgets to say anything at all. Smooth move, Yoonoh.

You just stick out your tongue at him subtly.

“I told you we’d win,” you say.

Jaehyun crosses his arms. “Congratulations. I thought you, quote, hate this stupid competition for dunces.”

You clear your throat and Dongmin laughs beside you. Before he can offer his bottle, Jaehyun offers his own in a rush. You raise an eyebrow but don’t question it.

“You guys really are a perfect pair.” Dongmin laughs. “Sometimes I wish Mijoo was my soulmate.”

You give him a pitiful smile. There go your happy feelings of victory.

“But I’m happy this way.” Dongmin nudges your shoulder with his. “Don’t give me that look.”

That is not the look he thinks you were giving. You smile. 

“What about this? We can go on a double date! Those are fun, right?” Dongmin muses, crossing his arms.

“No,” you and Jaehyun refuse in a panic, and Dongmin blinks in confusion at the overwhelming response.

“I'm more of a homebody,” you explain.

“Yeah, me too,” Jaehyun agrees.

It makes Dongmin laugh aloud. “Oh, fate didn’t go wrong with the two of you.”

Your smile wavers. Did it go so wrong with you and Dongmin? Jaehyun’s hand brushes yours and you look at him. A perfect side profile and flushed hot cheeks with dimples to die for. You wouldn’t mind being in love with him. You don’t mind love much at all. 

Shaking off the thought, you watch as Dongmin leaves the two of you to run to the changing rooms. Eyeing Jaehyun’s red team sweatshirt with “Management” in big typography over the chest, you look back up to his face. 

“Why did you jog over here so desperately?” You wiggle your eyebrows. “Jealous?”

“Yes. I am irreparably in love with you.”

He leans in quickly and you flinch, making his dimples show up.

“Asshole,” you curse. “I’ll file you for harassment. Don’t do that again.”

“Isn’t it harassment when you feel me up while you draw—” Jaehyun leans in to whisper. “—the soulmark?” 

“I would never have my hands near your greasy existence if I could,” you huff, scandalized. 

But the thing is, Jaehyun is getting better at this game of flustering each other and you don’t like it one bit.

“Hey, you know Dongmin’s girlfriend?” he asks suddenly. 

You nod. “Kind of. I’ve seen her pictures on Instagram.”

Jaehyun pauses before humming in realization.

You cough. “Not that I was stalking them or something. Obviously.”

Jaehyun gives you a knowing smile but doesn’t question anything, much to your aggravation. It would’ve been better if you had a chance to prove you weren’t stalking them but then again, that is exactly what you were doing.

“Well, we went to the same college. Same major too.”

“Are you serious? Wait, how do you know? Does this mean you stalked their Instagram too?”

“Too?”

“Shut up.”

There’s a beat of silence. 

“She’s not exactly the evil homewrecker type,” he says.

“I know that,” you snap. If anything, you feel like the evil homewrecker even if Dongmin’s supposed to be your soulmate.

They’re so reckless. Jaehyun was right—you do blame them in a way. They don’t care who they trample under their nauseating parade of romance. But then again, that parade is better than a personal rejection.

“I’m just saying… don't hold it against them.”

“I don’t remember asking for advice, Jung Yoonoh.”

Jaehyun shrugs, dropping the issue. The preparations for the next race is starting and it has something to do with passing balls from basket to basket—you get bored already when you see Doyoung stretch before shaking hands with Taeyong.

“Wanna get ice-cream? We funded the food truck this year.” Jaehyun looks expectantly at you.

“Sure.” 

You contemplate holding his hand for a moment but let that thought bury itself. You don’t have to pretend right now. 

Much to your despair (or delight) however, Jaehyun takes your hand absentmindedly as he walks towards the exit. It’s not that you’ve never held hands before, it’s just that Jaehyun’s skin is soft against yours.

“I can’t believe you and Mijoo were in the same course.”

It seems she’s ahead of you in every direction you look to tread on. Of course, you will not be telling Jaehyun that. You don’t exactly feel jealousy—can’t feel jealousy when your life is perfect as it is. And for Jaehyun? You hate to admit it but you’d trade places with Mijoo any day.

“Well, she didn’t really like socializing back then so I didn’t know we were in the same program either.”

You chuckle, glancing down at your intertwined fingers despite your best efforts. It feels nice like this. It feels nice to be wanted by someone—even if it’s a lie.

“Do you think- Do you think they’re brave?” You ask. “They didn’t even hesitate to disregard the system.”

“I think people in love are always brave.”

You hum, looking down at your feet. All the more reason the system fucked up. You were never even supposed to be partnered up. You’re not brave—the face you put on is. The idea of love seems to get further and further away from you.

Just then, Jaehyun tugs at your hand, walking slightly faster and making you complain as you jog to catch up with his long strides. The food truck is fairly large, on the street outside to the stadium entrance. February is catching up with its heat and you curse at global warming for this hot winter day.

“You can take up to five scoops of different flavours,” he informs you, grinning sheepishly. “I guess the cups aren’t large enough for beyond that.”

“I didn’t know you were this passionate about ice-cream,” you say.

“Sicheng rubbed off on me.”

You laugh. IT must have given Sicheng enough stress to develop a sweet tooth. You love the HR Department when you look at the others in your company.

Jaehyun has a nice smile. You don’t know why you think that but you do and now you can’t focus on anything apart from the pink dust sprinkled over his cheeks and the handsome dimples that accompany. You don’t want to stare but clearly, Jaehyun must have been blessed by some divide being if not for fate. Maybe he’s a mess up like you. As far as you know, his soulmate doesn’t exist. That little red heart is so simple that none of the soulmate designs match it.

A rather repulsing part of you is happy about it. You like the feel of Jaehyun’s hands. You like the way he looks at you. You wouldn’t mind it if he were yours.  

Jaehyun’s house is as cosy as his mother makes you feel. It’s been a while since you’ve been home and if you were perhaps less emotionally constipated, you would have tears welling up in your eyes. There’s quite a few relatives too but then again, every Asian family jumps at the chance to celebrate something as mediocre as engagements and marriage and soulmate findings. Apparently, hormones are perfectly fine to them once you’re not teenagers anymore.

This isn’t so bad. What was so scary about meeting parents again? Jaehyun’s dad did challenge you with a questionnaire but lucky for you, you know exactly how interviews work. You’ve got enough information on Jaehyun from the man himself for this visit. The briefing he gave you was boring though; you already know what you need to know about Jaehyun.

You sit at the table, while most of the other guests work in the kitchen. Jaehyun’s mother asks you questions about your life, friendly and welcoming in every way possible. Mothers are truly god-sent. You wonder how she produced someone as far from divine as Jaehyun. (Except in looks, perhaps.)

You say that out loud and get a sharp quip from Jaehyun, his mother’s eyes lighting up at your childish interaction.

“Oh my, fate is never wrong!” She remarks with a wide smile. “I’ve never seen Jaehyun open up so much with anyone before. He was such a shy boy in school, you know? All the girls would send letters and confessions and he would just turn red in the face.”

“Mom.” He smiles all too sweet at her but you can see the panic in his eyes.

She rolls her eyes before turning to you. “Darling, you have no idea how proud I feel to see him this at ease. I was honestly getting tired of all the ‘your son is so polite and well-mannered’ comments. Some bickering ought to do him good.”

“Mom,” he repeats, straightening. “I think auntie needs some help setting up the table.”

“Don’t shoo me away yet. I have to tell (name) about the time you were elected class representative in middle school. And all those sports and acting awards.”

“You don’t have to advertise me, Mom,” he says, dropping his face into his hands to rub at his eyes, already growing tired. “I’m already- I’m already hers.”

His mother coos and apart from the expected deep red flush on Jaehyun’s skin, you find yourself feeling hot in the face too. Jaehyun’s aunt calls for his mother right then and you watch as she makes her way to the kitchen entrance, the two women glancing at you and giggling to each other over some shared words.

Jaehyun takes the opportunity to grab your hand and walk away to a more obscure part of the house upstairs. With significantly less relatives, it should be a good hiding spot unless discovered by his giggling cousins that he refuses to introduce you to. 

“Aw, what a shy baby,” you coo, smiling at the thought of a younger, easily-flustered Jaehyun.

His ears are bright red and you think that he’s still easily flustered. He just doesn’t show it much anymore—there’s only one dead giveaway.

“Forget everything my mom said,” he instructs. “It’s not important information.”

“Oh, no, darling. Your mother is a gold mine of vital information. You know what? I’m going to go chat her up right now. I’m sure you were quite the teenage dream I should know about.”

Jaehyun grips your wrist before you can escape, pulling your closer.

“Don’t.”

You don’t know if it’s the proximity or the fact that there are most definitely a few family members that could walk in right now—but you find yourself embarrassed as you look at his face. It’s very pleasant, handsome even, and the strands of his hair look irresistibly soft from this distance. You reach your hand out and brush the hair out of his eyes, almost instinctively. 

“You have nice eyes, Jaehyun,” you say out loud, not sure why. He doesn’t fluster this time but it makes you all the more aware of your nearness.

Your eyes glance at the bottom of the staircase to see a little girl, around nine, hiding from behind the wall that separates the dining room and the kitchen. You return your gaze to Jaehyun with a smirk.

"We should kiss right now. Your little cousin's watching."

Jaehyun looks mildly disgusted. "Why would I want to kiss you in front of my cousin?"

You roll your eyes. “You don't get it, do you? The fastest way to convince a family is through rumours.”

Jaehyun raises an eyebrow. "So?"

"Oh my god, you're an idiot. Nosy cousins are the most effective way to spread rumours."

"Ah." Jaehyun looks enlightened enough for you to continue.

"Okay, but first you need to have these mints." You take out the emergency mints from your purse.

"What? I don't need mints. I have nice smelling breath.”

"Everyone needs mints, Jaehyun. Especially men."

Jaehyun sighs heavily. You take the opportunity to grab his wrist and pull him into a corner. 

"Have this mint or else."

You hold his face between your thumb and forefingers, cheeks squishing under the pressure as you force a mint in. He lets you do it for some reason, looking lost as he gazes at you. 

You raise an eyebrow. "Oh my, you're enjoying this. Pervert."

"Wha—what? You have to stop thinking you're hot shit, oh my god. I just got distracted for a bit."

"By me, right?"

"No! I just zoned ou—you're enjoying this."

You bite down your smile but a giggle escapes you anyway. Jaehyun rolls his eyes though he smiles, looking far too close to irresistible when his dimples show.

"You can't keep teasing me," he says, voice low.

"I've been doing it for two years. I'm pretty sure I can do it for at least two more."

Jaehyun scoffs, laughing at your statement. "You know what? I'm going to get back at you from now on. I've been so lenient."

You snort before pressing the back of your fingers to your nose. "You? You're going to get back at me? You’re good at lip service, Jaehyun."

“Huh. You might be right about that.”

There's a beat of silence and you look at him expectantly. In the next beat of your heart (or lack thereof), he cups your cheeks and presses his lips to yours, surprising the life out of you as your back hits the wall. It's not just a touch either, his mouth moves over yours and when your knees feel weak, you reluctantly admit that the rumour about Jung Yoonoh being a good kisser is true. Maybe his body count isn't a lower-end single digit after all.

He pulls apart with a short smile tugging at his lips. "Satisfied?"

You sputter out a response before clearing your throat. “I- I don’t think anyone really saw us in this corner.”

Jaehyun makes a low humming sound. “Or you could just say you want me to kiss you again? I know I’m a good kisser.”

“Fuck off.” You punch his chest, eliciting a quiet grunt from him.

You move away from him, peeking from behind the wall. Oh, she saw it alright. The giggling gives it away and the fact that a few more younger cousins have gathered. This is ridiculous. The fact that you wouldn’t mind more is even worse.

You turn back to Jaehyun with steel-set eyes. “No more kissing. Ever. Never again. Kissing is officially banned.”

Jaehyun looks perplexed. “I thought that was a good kiss. Did you not enjoy it? What do you mean no kissing?”

“And I take it back.” The heat on your face is still burning steadily. 

“Oh, I see. You liked it so much that you’re embarrassed.”

“You’re such a pain in the ass.”

“So I’m right?”

You roll your eyes and quickly walk down the stairs, a few words of complaint left hanging in the air as Jaehyun follows behind, stumbling over the steps.

Jaehyun likes how comfortable this is. He doesn’t mind glaring daggers at each other but this is fun too. It’s like he doesn’t have to be careful about the lines he might be crossing—there aren’t any damn lines at all. He can’t call it love, at least not by definition, but something is there. Something that is solid enough and heavy enough. Something he would be ready to hold on to.

You laugh at a joke Jaehyun’s dad makes. A family is the only place to feel at home. It might not be yours but maybe at the end of the night, you can convince them to disown Jaehyun and adopt you as their child instead. His cousins seem to be interested in the same things you were as a high schooler and it surprised you. Your job lets you advise the older cousins in a fairly friendly fashion. The little ones seem to like your dress and you find them far too adorable with their pink cheeks and dimples, much like Jaehyun’s. Speaking of which, he definitely got them from his dad. You look around and wonder how Jaehyun has so many female cousins and not an inkling about how women work. 

It doesn’t hurt anymore that Dongmin discarded you so recklessly.

He’s wrong. Jaehyun’s wrong. It doesn’t hurt—didn’t hurt right now at the very least. When Jaehyun kissed you, you didn’t think of Dongmin or his girlfriend or anyone else. You thought that Jaehyun’s skin is somehow always the right temperature. 

You shake your head. Jaehyun drives your getaway car and you shouldn’t get too comfortable in its worn-out leather seats. This shouldn’t be any different to you; you aren’t supposed to find love in every corner. This was all a survival instinct. 

The more stories Jaehyun’s mother shares with you over dinner, the more you find it comfortable to be here. You don’t feel this welcome in your own apartment (although, there isn’t exactly anyone else living there but you and the goddamn pigeon that wakes you up at six in the morning). The more the night progresses, the more you want to believe in this lie. Jaehyun glances at you from time to time, his gaze neither uncomfortable nor harsh and you smile at him when he does. Right now, there is no loneliness and the air is warm and smells of freshly cooked food; the way familial love works is such a mystery. You feel content.

“Why are we doing this again?” you lean in and ask Jaehyun, eyes focused on the TV as he tries to fix it.

“Because I need to get out of work, and fulfilled soulmates get a day off on Valentine’s day.”

You nod. “Your apartment kind of stinks. I feel sorry for Sicheng.”

“This is clean,” he defends, pointing at the lack of any visible mess in his room. His work table, however, has too many items scattered over it to be called neat. There’s a fairly large TV attached to the wall and you’re a little jealous about it. You only ever watch shows on your (quite beloved albeit small) laptop. The blinds aren’t fully closed, the evening city lights trying their best to pry their pervasive fingers in and add something more to the peach hue of Jaehyun’s room.

The doorbell rings just in estimated time for food delivery, a sigh leaving your mouth along with a ‘finally’. His place is strangely comfortable and much less of the war zone that you expected. There’s no reason to feel awkward, really, or even the bubbling in your stomach. You’re not seventeen, in your crush’s house. Jaehyun isn’t even someone you like that way.

It’s just two friends hanging out and watching a movie and doing other friendly activities. Two friends hanging out on Valentine's day. Two friends who have kissed more than once.

What do lovers do anyway?

This thing with Jaehyun has turned into clandestine smiles at the office building, subtle texts of ‘did you eat?’ and ‘good morning, idiot’, racing hearts at brushing hands on the occasional off-work hangouts (you refuse to call them “dates”) and overall, a lot more pink hearts floating over his head when you see him. It’s positively appalling. 

You don’t mind it one bit.

“Happy Valentine’s Day!” The delivery man wishes as he leaves and you feel a sudden rage bubble up in you. 

“Ah, does he think every couple celebrates Valentine’s day? And just because we’re in the same apartment means we’re a couple? Wow.” You cross your arms, scoffing. “Who’s he to wish me?”

“Why… Why are you getting mad?” Jaehyun asks quietly, slightly confused.

You glare at him, your anger not quite dissipated and walk back into his room, placing the box of confectionaries on the bedside table with a loud thud. Jaehyun follows, placing the drinks rather clumsily beside it. He gives you one last look of concern before settling down on his bed.

You let out another huff of complaint.

"Does everything have to be heart-shaped?"

You stare at the nauseating display of baked goods delivered in a pretty heart-shaped box. The brownie is in a clear plastic box that has a tiny bouquet of hearts atop it, the coffee cups have heart stickers around the rim, and the pastry itself is heart-shaped or rather, two halves of a heart. One of them is strawberry pink and the other chocolate brown.

“You seem… suddenly fired up,” Jaehyun comments quietly.

You don’t really care if you look crazy to him right now; he’s already seen the worse parts of you. You’re just so annoyed at all this red and pink that was delivered. Aren’t cafes supposed to stick with that beige-cream palette? 

While you contemplate, Jaehyun tears the little sugar packet and attempts to open the lid of the cup at the same time, your blood pressure rising at the sight because you were half sure he’d spill the drink. After much difficulty, he shakes the packet trying to get just enough sugar but of course, like the clumsy oaf he is, he misses almost entirely, spilling sugar over his coffee table. It’s oddly endearing but that’s a thought you’ll keep to yourself.

He turns to you with a sheepish grin and you give him a look of distaste.

“You are a sorry excuse of a person, Jaehyun.”

“Look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn’t mess this up.”

You turn to look him in the eyes, the honey shade alluring under warm apartment lights. They really are pretty. 

“I, and every other sane human being, would not mess up adding sugar to a cup of coffee.”

“You faltered for a moment there.”

That was not the reason you faltered. You roll your eyes and look away, taking a sip of your drink and sighing at the taste.

“How do you even like Americanos? Don’t you like a bit of cream and sweetness?”

 “I don’t really care for bitterness,” he answers.

“Wow, you must be a masochist.”

“And it’s quite obvious you’re a sadist.”

You snicker. “That makes us quite the pair.”

“I would like that sentence in a non-BDSM context, thank you.”

Jaehyun turns on the TV and the Netflix logo animation pops up. You raise an eyebrow at his ‘Continue Watching’ list, eyeing Bridegerton and Sweet Home, and wondering if he could be any more of an enigma. You can’t possibly figure him out at this point. You groan when he picks a title.

“Ugh. Do we have to watch a romantic comedy?”

“What? They’re funny. And I thought you liked those 2000’s movies.”

You believed in unicorns and sock goblins and love back then too. These days, you hate to see other people in love, especially when it’s fake. The movies you loved are now the movies you hate. The couples you eyed with delight at parks and cafes are now the bane of your existence. In fact, you’d go as far as to say that you enjoy the digital fireworks from a couple having a massive online breakup. Things falling apart are entertaining when it’s not happening to you.

You purse your lips. Can't you see other people happy without wanting to tear it down for yourself?

“Fine. But I’ll pick the 2000’s romcom.”

Jaehyun shrugs and hands over the remote. You see Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds on the poster and click on it immediately. The Proposal has a good enough comedy to romance ratio, in your opinion.

“I’m kind of surprised you came,” he says quietly.

“Why?” You raise an eyebrow. “Is it because of the suggestive nature of visiting someone’s apartment on Valentine’s day? Did you think we’d be doing something… more fun?”

You lean in and bat your eyelashes suggestively, although you’re clearly joking.

“I think you should know better than to get mouthy with me,” he answers as he leans in further, making your heartbeat hike at the proximity. Maybe he’s figured you out. Wouldn’t it be so nice to figure each other out at the same time—like puzzle pieces fitting together?

You move away from him. “Well, it’s not like I can go anywhere else. And I didn’t want to stay in my own apartment.”

“Maybe you enjoy my company?”

“Look, I would be sipping my coffee at a perfectly aesthetic cafe if it weren’t Valentine’s day.”

He raises an eyebrow at your nonsensical declaration and you sigh, trying to explain yourself.

“Cafes just terrorize the single folk on Valentine’s day. You should always go with Netflix,” you say.

“And chill?”

“Do you even know what that means?”

“As I’ve told you so many times, I am not stupid.”

You inhale, an idea presenting itself.  

“Hey, since we’re technically a couple, shouldn’t you be sharing your Netflix password with me?” you ask, pressing your lips into your cutest smile.

“No.”

“You’re so stingy,” you mutter. It was worth a shot.

Jaehyun laughs, your hand reaching out to poke his dimples but you stop yourself. You weren’t supposed to get this comfortable. This wasn’t your place to be. Lost in thought, the moving screen leaves you unfazed and you can’t look at him anymore. However, Jaehyun reaches out right then and wipes at the space beside your lips, your focus lifting from the beginning scenes of The Proposal and latching onto Jaehyun’s lips.

There’s a pause, your head clearing itself of thoughts when you make eye contact with him. Soft hair, doe eyes, full lips and dimples—he’s so damn attractive, it hurts your existence. Does he have to be this close to you? You have mixed feelings about that look in his eyes.

“Can I kiss you?” he whispers suddenly.

“Yes,” you answer.

If you look from a rational point of view, you should not have said that. You should have said anything but that. But you don’t want to think right now. Jaehyun’s touch is warm over your skin as his hand rests under your jaw and the other on your waist.

You should not have said that. But you feel loved.

Somewhere along, you find yourself parting only to kiss again, the feeling of skin so delightful in a way you’ve never experienced. Your shirt hikes up and you see Jaehyun eye the little heart with the arrow—the sign you so despised with a gentle smile.

“It’s pretty,” he whispers.

It’s pretty but it isn’t his. He doesn’t have to look at you like that—he’s come a long way from nervous glances and now he’s the one making you nervous. Just say it isn’t love and it will be alright.

You part, sobering up for a moment and you disentangle your limbs to sit at the side of his bed.

“What’s- What’s wrong?” Jaehyun whispers.

You exhale.

“All my life, I wait and when it comes, it’s all wrong,” you say, staring at your lap. Self-pity is the most disgusting kind of pity to feel. You’re past crying at things like this. You’re past crying for an ounce of romance, every time you listen to a love song on the radio or look at an Instagram post of a couple or pass by lovers on the sidewalk content with each other. You don’t even have cats to return home to. Modern loneliness is wearing you down but you can’t believe in fairytales anymore.

He scoffs, smiling bitterly. “I don’t even know if this is worth losing my dignity over.”

“Jaehyun—”

“We can’t pretend anymore—I can’t pretend anymore,” Jaehyun exhales. “I want you enough to forget the system. Give me an answer. Please.”

You don’t mind forgetting the system right now. Jaehyun’s lips are always the right temperature; the warmth of his body seeps through his shirt as you press yourself to him in a hug. He’s perfect and right now, you want to believe he’s perfect for you—even if he isn’t, you want to believe it into existence.

You cup Jaehyun’s cheeks, unsaid emotion in his doe eyes, and kiss him. This time, you mean it with every ounce of your being. There’s no more flustering each other, just the hot flush of intimacy when you feel skin that doesn’t burn you. It’s just the right feeling. There’s no way this can be wrong. 

Aren’t you getting ahead of yourself? You wish the voice would pipe down. It’s a coward, fearing fate just as everyone else does. But you are better than that, and this feeling is too enjoyable to let go. You don’t want this to fade.

Just then, Dongmin’s face comes to mind and you think that maybe if you kiss someone else with all you have, you don’t have to think of your shortcomings ever again.

Jaehyun pulls apart and you miss the warmth.

“You’re not… You’re not thinking of me, are you?” he asks. 

You don’t answer, even if the silence is overwhelming.

“I’d rather not have you close your eyes and think of someone else when I’m in front of you.”

“I’m sorry” is all you can say.

“You can at least pretend to love me.” His voice is a hoarse whisper. “Could. It’s not like this was ever supposed to work out.”

You gulp, looking away. “Jaehyun, come on. That’s not like you. We were- we were just… having fun.”

He takes a deep breath. “It hurts to not be wanted by someone you want. You know that. So why are you doing this to me?”

Because misery likes company.

“I’m sorry.”

It seems the phrase you barely uttered when you were younger is tumbling out of your lips in a mixture of grief and pity. Perhaps it’s karma. Perhaps it’s fate. Perhaps it’s just the consequences of your mistakes.

Jaehyun parts his lips, a sigh departing. He leans in again, pushing away all of his thoughts. A little more hurt won't kill him tonight. How and when did you bring him down to his knees?

However, he's stopped by your hands against his shoulders, his lips hovering over yours.

"Let's stop," you say. "You're right."

"Isn't this what you wanted?"

“I don’t- I don’t know. I don’t know anymore.”

You wish you could be brave enough to burn the instruction pamphlet from destiny. But right now, you need to get away from Jaehyun, away from any more misery business.

“I’ll get going,” you say, gathering your stuff. 

Jaehyun hesitates but doesn’t stop you. He would never stop you, can’t stop so how could he even dream of stopping fate? This can never work out. It felt right in the moment but you don’t know anything more than that. You can’t close your eyes and pray everything disappears. No one else will solve your problems for you, you know that.

It’s time you start fixing the mess you made. You leave with a polite goodbye and hear a loud sigh behind you once the door is closed. Blinking away the urge to walk back in, you take long and quick strides to the elevator. You’re going to fix this.

Maybe if Lady Gaga’s ‘Poker Face’ wasn’t blasting at full volume at this stupid office party, you could be thinking a little straighter.

He was right. You can’t pretend anymore. There were thousands of ways this could have gone better. You didn’t have to pretend to be soulmates when you’re not. You could’ve discarded your belief in the whole system like Dongmin and Mijoo and dated someone out of spite. You didn’t have to drag Jaehyun into your sorry mess. You need to take out the nail you hammered into your own foot.

It’s the first time you’ve visited the rooftop restaurant from the company’s subsidiary chain of high-end restaurants but you imagined it would be bigger. It’s the news’ fault for making this place seem like a football field. However, you might be feeling that way because the distance between you and Jaehyun is suffocatingly small as is the distance with Dongmin. You don’t need to see Jaehyun tonight.

You don’t intend to make your confession a public affair and you certainly don’t believe in tack things like atonement. However, improvement begins with a step in the right direction. Maybe you’ll be a better person after this. Maybe you’ll still be as annoying and pushy as ever. You need to get it off your chest so you can proceed with the already tedious journey that comes with a soulmate rejection. You wonder why there’s so many man-made laws about soulmates when fate has made it complicated enough as it is. Love is the same as legalese when it comes to this system.

You flit about the crowds, smiling and greeting people and swerving away from Jaehyun every time he tries to approach you. You’re trying to make a good decision for once. He better not intrude. You’re wearing pink too, for the first time in a while: a satin shirt, pants and blazer set in dull pink.

“Dongmin,” you say, pulling him by the sleeve of his blue tux, and away from the rest of the HR team. “I have to show you something.”

“Hm? Show me?” He blinks at you. 

You get him to follow you to the inside the premises, stopping when you’re far into a 

“Uh?” Dongmin looks around before leaning in to whisper. “You’re not plotting to murder me, are you?”

You blink, and he laughs at you incredulously. “Why are you so serious?”

“I was lying,” you rush. “With Jaehyun. He’s not my soulmate. You are.”

Dongmin blinks in confusion. “Are… you joking? That was a weird joke but it could pass as funny—”

“Dongmin.”

You pull out your shirt from your pants, exposing the tattoo on your hip. It’s the little arrowed heart that has been plaguing you for years but now when you look at it, you feel no animosity. After all, it’s been through the same things you have. 

Dongmin’s face falls into stunned silence, eyes fixated on your waist.

“That’s- That’s my—what is this?”

Russian roulette is certainly not the same without a gun.

“I lied, Dongmin,” you answer, fixing your shirt back in. “I was so afraid of your rejection that I made an even larger fool of myself.”

His initial shock seems to have partly subsided.

“You… Why didn’t you tell me?” He looks momentarily hurt.

“You have Mijoo, Dongmin. I can’t ruin something like that.”

A love that doesn’t need fate to fix it.

Dongmin glances away in guilt and sighs, though the sound is croaky. This must be more than what he can take.

“I’m sorry,” he says, haltingly. “I hurt you, didn’t I? When I thought I was being brave, I hurt you instead.”

You smile bitterly. “We all hurt someone, Dongmin. I still have to fix that one for myself.”

He scans your face, lips trembling slightly as unspoken words die on them.

“We’ll tend to the legal stuff later, hm? No compensation. We can file a mutual rejection.”

“But—”

“Shh. I’m happy enough as coworkers and I get paid more than enough for this job. Might get a promotion soon too.”

You wink at him with an added finger gun, trying to play it cool. Despite everything, a weight feels lifted from your shoulders. Now that you are truly alone, you might as well embrace this growing loneliness crawling under your skin. Discomfort could be something you can get used to. 

When you get back to the warmly lit rooftop, the HR team looks at you curiously. You have the most self-destructive thought you’ve had in a while and tell yourself, you might as well if you've come this far. This is it. This is your social death. Honesty is the best policy, unfortunately.

“Dongmin and I have the same soulmate mark,” you announce. “We’re soulmates but we’ll sign a mutual rejection.”

Doyoung looks almost like he’ll faint and Soojin’s mouth is so wide open, you could practice throwing some mini basketballs in. This is your team—almost a second family, and it’s time you stop trying to hide yourself or disguise your feelings as something they’re not. They’ll get over it, as will you.

“J-Jaehyun?” Soojin looks to your side and you turn to find Jaehyun frowning.

“You could’ve discussed this with me,” he says, an odd sound of relief in his laugh. 

It hurts to look at him but you muster up your strength.

“I’m sorry,” you say, facing him. “I didn’t want to drag you into this hell with me.”

Into this loveless hell made for you.

“(name).”

It’s so painfully quiet in this corner; there are so many eyes on you and only the hurt taking shape in Jaehyun’s eyes knock some sense into you. 

“I’ll leave first,” you say, bowing as you take your leave.

You brisk up your pace and exit the venue as quickly as you can and into the building corridor.

Unfortunately for you, you recognize the pair of footsteps that follow you—both of them having their timings wrong. Boys don’t chase after the girl when she’s walking away. Boys should leave a girl alone when she feels like she’s about to cry.

You turn to face two men and groan internally. This is the worst possible situation—you’d rather crawl into a hole than look at either of them. The corporate light shines harshly on either of their faces but the look on them is so earnest, you want to close your eyes and scream. You don’t mind being alone. You were overstepping when you wished you weren’t.

“(name),” Dongmin starts. “I’m sorry it turned out this way. If you’d told me, we could have talked this out.”

A light scoff leaves Jaehyun and Dongmin purses his lips. It’s kind of funny watching both of their tall frames in hesitant postures and you cross your arms. You’re going to deal with this quickly like you always should have. If you’re dealing with fate, you need to have a clear head—and fortune doesn’t favour fools. Being with Jaehyun was nice but he is not yours. Dongmin may have been assigned to you but you’d rather not ruin someone’s relationship.

“What would we have talked about?” you ask. “Compensation charges? Apologies?”

You see a hint of positivity on Jaehyun’s face and turn to face him, frowning.

“And you. Don’t look so smug. You’re the reason I realized this crap. It hurts. Like hell.”

He opens his mouth but no words come when he’s far too taken aback. He can’t offer consolation now, not after everything. You knew this would happen. You would undoubtedly end up wishing you didn’t fall in love with him on the day you leave.

“(name). Listen to me,” Dongmin calls again, voice gentle.

Jaehyun sighs. “We’re both fucking this up, dude.”

Dongmin takes a sharp breath.

“You know, soulmates can be platonic,” he reasons, looking only at you. “People are made for each other differently and maybe you and I—”

“You’re just making her feel worse,” Jaehyun cuts him off.

“How do you know that?” Dongmin asks, finally turning to him. “Because you’ve spent a month or two with her? I’m her soulmate.”

“I think a month or two is much better than a stranger with the same damn birthmark.”

“Oh come on,” Dongmin scoffs. “The system exists for a reason.”

“I don’t give a shit about the system. The same as your girlfriend—oh, sorry, did you forget about her already?”

“It’s not like that.” Dongmin quietens. “We’ll figure something out.”

You pinch the bridge of your nose. They’re worse than you are—honestly, you don’t know what you expected from the timid emotional maturity of men. Both of their polite facades have melted and you’re starting to miss their sweet-tempered work demeanour.

“Come with me,” Dongmin tells you.

He wraps his hand around your wrist and tugs, Jaehyun visibly tensing up at the gesture. He presses his tongue against his cheek in annoyance but refrains from doing anything rash. You feel sorry when you look at him.

“Dongmin,” you whisper. “Can we- can we have a moment?”

Dongmin nods in understanding and exits the hallway to cool off with a few splashes of water in the washroom.

“Would you go with him?” Jaehyun asks, jaw clenched. “An acquaintance as most? Are you willing to run into the arms of fate that you hated so much?”

He looks bitter and you can’t think of a sugar-coated response. You’ll just have to tell him how you feel.

“I need to sort things out, Jaehyun. This—”

You point from him to yourself.

“Couldn’t work out thanks to fate. Dongmin and I will never work out because he’s braver than I am. You know he’s doing all of that just so I don’t get hurt, right? He’s not suddenly in love with me.”

Jaehyun purses his lips, looking down to his feet. Is it so bad that he let jealousy get the best of his mouth? Envy isn’t so awful. He looks from your eyes to lips and wishes he were young enough to believe in fairytales.

“You don’t have to be brave,” he whispers. “You don’t have to be so brave to fall in love. You don’t have to be brave to stay with me.”

“We tried, Jaehyun. And we can’t cheat fate. That, at the very least, requires bravery.” 

You press your lips into a thin line. It hurts. It hurts so bad to look at him and face the consequences of this flawed design. It’s unfair. It’s unfair that you have to follow the rules even after trying your best to break them. 

“You wish you never met me, don’t you?” you whisper. “I made a mess.”

Before he responds, you bow in a short goodbye and walk towards the elevator. There’s no footsteps behind you, no Prince Charming. It’s just you and your high heels clacking against the cold marble as you head back to an empty home. You always thought freedom would feel different, that distance would give you perspective. It just feels awful when no one is around you at all. When you have no one to pick up morning calls from, receive texts from asking if you ate, spend time in peace without uttering a single word—are you free or are you lonely?

The rules state that the two of you are different. It is true. You are as different as love in real life and love in the movies; and neither of them have happy endings now.

You wish you drank some more last night if you were going to embarrass yourself like that. Thankfully, it’s the weekend and you have two more days to figure out how to face your coworkers. You frown when you think of Jaehyun. Were you wrong to tell him that you simply couldn’t choose him? What if fate is right and it falls apart? You stir your morning coffee, the will to drink it fading slowly. It’s already fallen apart—and it wasn’t fate who did that, it was you. Should you have taken his stupidly warm hands and asked him to follow you? You don’t understand how it works at all.

Centuries of questioning what love is, poking and prodding at it like a lab sample, and there’s still no perfect answer. Love is blind. Love is cruel. Love is a fever. Love is temporary insanity. Love is acceptance. Love will set you free. There’s just too many variations. You can never tell if fate is meant to make it easier or worse. 

No one questions you at the office and you're not sure if you’re glad or aggravated. Only Doyoung shoots you a pitiful look which you brush off and immediately get into work. Embarrassment is only real if you acknowledge it. However, every time Dongmin tries to talk to you, you ask for space and even alone in your thoughts, you don’t get it. They just have to drift to Jaehyun.

You wonder if what he said was true, that he wanted you enough to forget the system. It’s clearly ruined now. The spiral of thinking has you zoning out during work more often than not and even Doyoung ends up reprimanding you for your lack of focus. Sometimes you want to snap but other times, you’re just hopelessly reciting the events over and over in your head. This was supposed to happen, wasn’t it? You don’t even have the strength left in you to blame it all on Jaehyun.

You pace in the corridors after work, contemplating popping by the Marketing Department. What could go wrong? Sure, it was a little dramatic of you to leave like that but everything can be fixed, right? You groan. What you were supposed to be fixing, you made worse. Are your hands cursed or something? You shake your head, returning to your desk to gather your belongings and head home.

Unfortunately, the sight of Doyoung sitting in your chair alarms you and you stop a foot away. 

“If you’re going to reprimand me for watching cat videos instead of checking the employee records, I can assure you my efficiency is still top-notch.” 

“You’re—what? Never mind.” Doyoung shakes his head. “Can you give this ginseng pack to Jaehyun? I owe him.” 

Oh no. You know where this is going.

“You know I’m going to keep that for myself, right?” You make a face. “I’d rather die than face Jaehyun right now.”

Doyoung shrugs. “Who knows? Maybe he’ll be the one running to you. This is in case of an emergency.”

You give him a fake smile and Doyoung shakes his head. “Good to see you’re still great at pretending to be fine.”

You sigh. “Thanks for looking out for me, bossman.”

Doyoung blinks, hand covering his mouth when an audible gasp leaves him. “Woah. I think that’s the first time I’ve heard you thank me. But don’t call me bossman ever again.”

“Noted,” you say, taking your bag and leaving with a short goodbye. You’re lucky he lets you off work early, even if you never took it. Employees usually can’t leave until their superiors does and if you were a senior employee, you’d be giving your juniors quite the hell.

You seem to be good at concocting hellscapes. Perhaps, you should look for job openings in the underworld. One last thought of Jaehyun exits your head and you take the bus home, admiring the city you live in and the warmth of people and their relationships. You don’t feel jealous; you just bask in them for the time—be it a mother and her son or two bickering sisters or a lovely old couple. That’s how it’s meant to be, then. That’s how love works.

Jaehyun smacks his head against the sofa armrest for the fifteenth time in a row.

“Dude. You’re going to permanently ruin the fabric.” Sicheng says, eyes trained on his laptop screen.

“I should’ve said something more.” Jaehyun’s voice is so zombie-like, he thinks he should cast himself in the Train to Busan sequel as an extra.

“I’m glad I’m not you,” Sicheng mutters.

“Can you give me some sort of consolation, at least?”

“That’s not what I’m your friend for.”

Jaehyun sighs and resumes smacking the back of his head against the armrest. He really needs to figure this out. After all, he can’t really Google the solution to this.

“One thing doesn’t make sense,” Sicheng says, finally looking up from his screen. “Why do you have the same mark as (name)’s if you’re not soulmates?”

“You’re so incredibly—but adorably—stupid, Sicheng. She drew it in with a permanent marker. She kissed me too! It was sudden and weird but I didn’t mind it.

“Yikes.” Sicheng makes a face. “So… you didn’t take a shower for how long now?”

Jaehyun furrows his eyebrows. “What?”

“The ink hasn’t washed off. I heard you singing in the shower yesterday, how could you not have washed that off? Ugh. Don’t tell me you miss her.”

Jaehyun’s eyes widen as he jumps up and rushes to the washroom. Looking into the mirror, the tattoo poking out from his T-shirt resembles yours a lot more than his. The arrow is still drawn in. Jaehyun’s shoulder slumps. He doesn’t know what he was expecting. Turning the tap and letting the water flow, he wets his hand and rubs at his collarbone to remove the arrow.

Except it doesn’t budge. His skin turns painfully red from the rubbing but the ink, which usually washes off in less than five minutes has no intention of leaving. Did you use a different brand of marker the last time? When was it anyway? 

Jaehyun breathes out, firming his resolve. He needs to be with you.

Sicheng blinks in surprise as Jaehyun grabs his car keys, not even bothering to change from an all-black getup of a T-shirt and jeans like some emo teenager, and shuts the front door behind him. Not even a ‘goodbye, I’m leaving!’

Sicheng sighs. Love makes people crazy. He’s not falling into that trap when his soulmate literally doesn’t exist, the same as his soulmark. It seems the contestants in this game are full of exceptions.

You hit your head against your pillow. To visit Jaehyun or not to. You haven’t left your bed since you woke up around seven in the morning, and now it’s ten. Your bedsheets are a mess because you’ve rolled around too much on them (in despair, not with someone unfortunately).

You need the quiet sometimes to let your mind rest, to let your heart rest. You needed time. But maybe it’s been long enough and now you’re just searching for excuses to hold on to your last shred of dignity.

You lift your head up and glare at the box of ginseng on your table. Should you? You reluctantly get up, feeling a sting of pain in your back for lying in that awkward position for so long. Right when you’ve put on your slippers, the doorbell rings and you groan. How did the package you stress-ordered last night arrive so early? These deliveries are getting faster and faster.

You walk to the front door and open it thoughtlessly, freezing up at the sight. Your first reaction is to cover yourself. You’re not exactly your best-looking version at the moment. Jaehyun’s dark circles almost match yours but he’s better dressed than you are—in a black T-shirt and jeans while you’re wearing a Gudetama pajama set.

“We’re not just friends,” he blurts. “We’re not soulmates but we’re not just friends.”

“Huh? Oh my god, this is the most embarrassing I’ve looked.”

Jaehyun furrows his eyebrows in a question look. 

“That’s not important! Look—”

He pushes you inside, closing the door behind him. His hair is so disheveled and messy, he barely even looks like the same well-maintained marketing employee you know. 

Jaehyun tugs at his T-shirt, pulling down to reveal his tattoo—albeit with your marker-drawn arrow through it. He does have a pretty well-built chest, you note before chiding yourself for getting distracted.

You raise an eyebrow. “Do you, uh, need help scrubbing it off or something?”

“No.” Jaehyun lets out a huff of exasperation. “It won’t wash off. If it’s what I think it is—”

“Miracles don’t happen to people like us, Jaehyun,” you say quietly.

He gulps. “I don’t know about miracles but… I just needed an excuse to see you, I guess.”

You look up, a rose blush over Jaehyun’s bare face, and run your finger over the tattoo, sighing at the warmth of his skin. Your hand travels up to his cheek, resting atop it while you muster enough courage to look Jaehyun in his chocolate brown eyes.

You pull away. This isn’t the time. You still have an internal crisis to sort out. Are you even deserving of love? It makes much more sense if the answer is no. 

However, Jaehyun pulls you in by the waist, his right palm warm against your cheek.

“I don’t care what anyone says.” He runs his thumb over your cheek in a painfully fond manner. “You’re worth more than the price I pay for this.”

He leans in and presses his lips to yours swiftly, your head clearing of thoughts almost immediately. It feels so right, you can feel the spark, the red thread around your skin, hear the bells. This kiss was far more perfect than it was supposed to be.

You part, gasping. Jaehyun blinks at you, breathing heavily.

“Kiss me again.”

Jaehyun does as told and you might just believe in miracles this way. With his hand around your waist and in your hair, his lips over yours and the low rumbling laughter that parts the two of you—you might just believe in miracles. You might just believe that love isn't something you deserve by earning.

“I like this,” Jaehyun comments. “I like the way this is.”

You press your finger to his lips. “I think you should shut up and kiss me some more.”

Jaehyun rolls his eyes. “I know you’re sexually repressed as of now, but that’s no reason to take advantage of me.”

You scowl, punching him on the shoulder and moving away from him.

“Come back,” he complains in a quiet voice.

“I am not going to do that.” You cross your arms.

“Come on,” he mutters, inching closer as you inch away, till your back hits the couch and you tumble backwards onto it, your legs on the headrest. Jaehyun laughs at your position, leaning in to keep his hands on either side of you, a doting look over him.

“Hey, did you know if I kicked my leg up, it would hit you in the balls?”

“Please don’t do that.”

You giggle, Jaehyun’s nose rubbing against yours in a bunny kiss. 

“Is your place usually this much of a mess?” Jaehyun raises an eyebrow. 

You sigh heavily. “I was having a bad day, okay? Or… a bad weekend.”

“Do you even have food?”

You look away, crossing your arms. Jaehyun sighs and shakes his head.

“We should go grocery shopping. How do you live like this?”

You scoff. “Oh, spare me the lecture. I’ve heard enough horror stories about your room from Sicheng. You can’t hide from me by sweeping your clothes and belongings into his room.”

“Snitch,” he mutters under his breath.

You can’t help the giggle that erupts from your mouth and you immediately cover it. Jaehyun smiles at you fondly and you look away, unable to bear that gaze of his.

“It really won’t wash off, by the way,” Jaehyun states, scratching at his collarbone.

You narrow your eyes, smacking his arms away to roll off the couch. Taking his wrist, you walk into your bathroom and turn the tap on. Something’s strange. But also strangely right.

“Look, I already tried—ow! Don’t rub that hard!”

You blink in confusion, trying again despite Jaehyun looking like his soul already left him. It doesn’t work. Your marker isn’t even that permanent. At least his regenerating skin cells should get rid of that arrow. Unless the ink was deep enough to pierce all the layers, as in a soulmark.

You gasp.

“You were right!”

“I told you s—”

"That's the point, isn't it?" you say, realization dawning as your eyes widen. "To see if people will question the system at all."

Jaehyun shrugs. “Maybe.”

"Oh, all those unhappy marriages that could have been saved," you say as you exhale. 

Jaehyun chuckles lightly. "I think that the point was, people can be happy without their soulmates. It's whoever you make one out of. Or I Googled too many articles on anti-soulmate propaganda."

You smile, leaning in to press a kiss against his cheek. Watching his ears turn bright red is the cherry on top.

“Okay, fake-boyfriend-turned-real-soulmate.” You give him a cheeky smile. “Did you rethink your decision about sharing that Netflix password with me? I get the girlfriend free pass, right? Right?”

“I didn’t even share it with my mother.”

You whack his arm, him possibly used to it by now, judging from his lack of response. 

“Idiot.” You cross your arms. “We can Netflix… and chill then. God, I can’t believe I said that.”

Jaehyun breaks into a chuckle. “You’re so pushy.”

 “And you like being pushed around, nerd.”

“Who said that?”

Jaehyun wraps his arms around you, spinning you so that your back hits the door. He leans in to kiss you again and you smack your palm over his pouted lips. You laugh at his face, his eyes brimming with confusion.

“You’re in my apartment. I make the rules here. Think twice before you start a game with me, Mister.”

His shoulders droop. “Fine. Can you at least let me kiss you four times a day?”

“Five times, if you ask.”

He laughs before leaning in again. “Can I kiss you now?”

“Wasn’t it obvious?”

“You are one hell of a woman. Emphasis on hell.”

You laugh and grab his collar, pulling him in for the kiss that seals this deal.

You realize a few things in the moment: a) You don’t have to play roulette to find love, b) You don’t have to pick your poison to find love, and most importantly c) Love is right where you make something of it. Fate is still not in your good books but if it bends to you this way, you don’t mind at all. If Jaehyun kisses you like this every day, you don’t mind one bit. 

[yuljedoc]

Lovers to Friends?

There's this multi million-dollar question why Yijin and Heedo can't remain just friends.

The fandom is divided. Is it really possible?

Aren't they friends to begin with? Was it the pain between them?

Personally...

I think that not only did the break up of Yijin and Heedo was painful, but also her separation with the Taeyang Squad.

But let's find out. Shall we?

This reminds me of a dark humor response that Heedo is back to square one:

친구 없어

I don't have any friend.

but if I may, let's grammatically correct it:

친구들 없어 = I have no friends.

I gotta put the plural 들 to put salt on the wound. Yeah. 'cause it felt like Heedo not only lost the love of her life, but the friends she made along the way.

I'll try to explain why. Bear with me, please.

In my opinion, I do think Minchae didn't even know who were Heedo's friends back then. It wasn't directly implied, yet as we can see in episode 4, Minchae's grandma, Shin Jaekyung had to introduced their names one by one.

Hence, the birth of the Dementia Theory.

We assumed Shin Jaekyung have dementia or in it's early stages of Alzheimer's and Minchae was just testing if she can remember her so called father Kim/Baek Yijin. Yeah. No shit.

Also, adding the fact that Minchae doesn't even know who Baek Yijin is, if he really is the father as we have hoped for or just for the sake that her mom and this guy were friends before. Minchae doesn't seem to know his existence.

But kidding aside, it did looked like she was seeing them for the first time or maybe knowing them only through photos. Painful take, apologies for that.

Looking further back, when Minchae first read the diary. She uttered the words:

But as we watched and analysed it, it didn't seem that Heedo wrote the first sentences in the diary pertaining to Yijin, but to Yurim.

For me, it is canon that her first love could be these 3:

1. Fencing

2. Yurim

3. Yijin

I am so sure that what Heedo meant and obviously it was Yurim.

So, why the hell does Minchae doesn't know that they became best friends? Like, how?

Two plausible explanation:

Heedo did not tell it to Minchae and Minchae has not even met Yurim.

끝

And to expound the disconnection of Heedo and the Taeyang squad, remember how she suddenly forgot the beach trip? :

I mean, how the hell can someone fails to recall being carried like this?

I'd probably tattooed this on my mind for the rest of my life. I'd write poems and songs about this. lol

Well, to tell you the truth. I am torn. 50/50.

Some even thought that she was just feigning ignorance infront of her daughter, but biologically and psychologically speaking, I must say a 40 year old Na Heedo forgetting this iconic memory is valid.

I'm not gonna talk about Heedo having the crazy Selective Amnesia Theory. Naur. Or the funny pun where Yijin's forehead flick was so strong she forgot the trip etc.

Hear me out on this first. I'll explain.

Let's focus biologically and theoretically. As someone who works in healthcare, I've seen people and even studied that it's quite possible that you wont remember everything in your past. One simple reason? Old age.

Neurons deteriorate.

I know that sounded like she's already disintegrating mentally. She's not even that old yet. Even Jaekyung remembered their names and it wasn't even shown in the drama that she met Heedo's friends. I know. It's crazy.

But somehow it's true. There are even 3 theories why we forget: physiological, neurochemical, and psychological.

And Psychologically there are 5. For Heedo's case, I think it has got to be Decay Theory. It fits.

Decay theory states that if we don’t access memories, they will fade over time. 

So, why does she doesn't access it?

Maybe Heedo doesn't go about revisiting her memories. Is it?

But why?

Going back again in episode 4, where Heedo said these:

What is this? Very conclusive, right?

It might mean something...

And that something means there must be a painful meaning behind why she had to forget.

There was this another theory again back then that a very traumatic event happened to one of the gang. Like, Yijin, Yurim, or even Seungwan dying.

Yijin dying from overwork or accident. (Here comes the 9/11 & Red Luggage Theory)

Yurim taking her own life because of recurring suicide attempt.

And Seungwan will die because of her bleak outlook in life.

We were certified clowns. It made the whole fandom a carnival.

These things didn't even came true.

(Well, thank God about that. The ending was traumatising enough. )

So, what exactly happened?

This happened:

The breakup scene that caused a discourse. Some were satisfied, but majority was in uproar. Chaos was ensued. We were all depressed. I got panic attacks.

The other camp were saying that this is a beautiful closure and the other camp were all enraged that this was the end of all things they had.

So, was it that beautiful?

For me, it was painstakingly beautiful. The setting was indeed beautiful. It was Spring and what does this season even means? Blossoming? New fucking beginning? Of what, Baby? Beginning of a heartbreak? Sorry. I'm starting to cuss. I want to break something and sue this network. It doesn't make sense. It made sense, but it felt like it doesn't.

Back to regular programming.

For that very reason, I can say that Heedo forgetting the beach trip is logical because this is a viable explanation.

But the question is, what about what the Taeyang Squad? Is she still in contact with them?

We can assume that the answer is No for the year 2021.

There are three possible reasons:

1. Just Because. Some might disagree on this, but as we age we don't really have time to always be in constant communication to our friends. This is especially significant to the people we are friends with when we were younger. Though, this doesn't apply to everyone, but I can attest that this happens. It happened to me. The last time I saw my friends was at a funeral. Yup.

Also, we can also strengthen this claim from this scene:

Seungwan mentioned how they only get to see each other when someone passes away.

2. Pandemic. We know the writer wants this drama to be as realistic as possible to even include this in the present timeline, but I'd like to argue that even though there's still a panini going on, there's this thing called Internet and social media.

3. The Break Up and the Connection of Their Friendships To Each Other. Okay. It was already given how Yijin and Heedo's bond will fall apart, but what about the others?

As we can remember from 2009 funeral scene, Yijin brought his brother, Baek Yihyun and from there, a relationship kind of formed with Seungwan or should I say: rekindled.

And the fact that Seungwan and Jiwoong were diaper friends, I don't think they stopped communicating to each other either.

So basically, if what we can assume from the present time, Seungwan could be Yijin's sister-in-law now and considering the fact that Jiwoong's wife is Yurim, only Heedo was left.

Left alone? Left behind? Or she basically left the gang and turned everything into memories? 🙃

Well, that's how I see it.

On top of that, Baek Yijin and Na Heedo's relationship back then or should I say, still?

They are so much in love. Their affection to each other is so strong. I'm using "is" because there's absolutely no way that their love for each other was gone.

Heedo named her Atelier 2521, rainbow chairs, Yijin things in her old room, red car, her reaction to Jaekyung when she mentioned meeting Yijin recently, not talking about her past memories to her child, talked about it was easy to break off engagement than divorce at the funeral, supposed husband is nowhere to be seen and heard, going to the tunnel after getting her diary back, sentimentally re-imagining a supposed closure from what happened at the tunnel?

What is this sorcery?!

This further strengthened my claim that Heedo didn't moved on until she got her diary back or maybe she really didn't.

Okay. You might argue about the diary, so let's talk about.

I can't post here without breaking down. I can' revisit that scene 'cause it still breaks my heart.

But almost at the end, Heedo came back to the tunnel right after reading the response from Yijin.

Heedo wrote:

온마음을 다해 사랑했어

I have loved you with all my heart.

She used: 했어, which is a past tense. That was heartbreaking and alarming.

But, I'd just like to contest and we can collectively agree on this, I know 'cause I feel it, that she did not meant that her love for Yijin ended up right after they broke up or when she wrote that.

You know why?

Because why did she freaking ran to him to say goodbye? Wasn't that love? Did she just did that for the sake of herself? No. It's obviously because she said some hurtful words to Yijin. She meant those hurtful words, but she didn't said those things to hurt him. You know what I mean.

But what about Yijin?

Yijin didn't wrote loved, but thank you. It just meant he still loves her that time or maybe still. He had to let her go because that's what she wants. He only wants her happiness.

(Insert the romantic monologue from episode 12 with 알콩달콩/Sweetie Pie)

Also, I'm already writing another entry about the concept of moving on: 2521 edition

And I know this might sound a stretch, but remember the last freaking scene of Yijin trying to access his account? Yeah? The prime cause of my panic attacks.

She was the security question. But what's the big deal? If that's the present timeline meaning 2021, and Yijin was trying to access the account of more than 15 years. If we were to subtract 2021 to 15 means it was probably in 2006 that he made her the answer to the freaking security question: Who's your first love?

And how old is Minchae in 2021? 15, right?

This is so depressing.

Okay. If I were to really conclude now my ramblings, I am always gonna be reminded of a saying that goes...

"If two past lovers can remain friends, they are either still in love, or never were."

I cannot speak for everyone who have had lovers and first loves in the past, but this is what I believe about them and what also happened to me.

And that might be the answer why they can't be lovers to friends.

[etirabys]

btw, I got into reading the book on Chinese history because I watched Nirvana in Fire, my favorite East Asian drama I’ve watched yet, and I realized I was totally unequipped to write fanfiction. So here’s one of my fanfic pitches!

This is spoilery for NiF, and also features dubcon/noncon, semi solitary confinement, and Stockholm syndrome. I am a dead dove writer through and through – please steer clear if you don’t like dead dove fics!

Has MCS/Jingyan as endgame ship but frankly the most psychologically interesting relationship in it right now is MCS/Prince Yu.

The fic diverges from show canon when Prince Yu's rebellion succeeds! Prince Yu decapitates the Emperor and puts out a fairly unconvincing lie that Jingyan did it and ran away. Jingyan is still out trying to get reinforcements, but he does get messengers telling him not to return (for now) and instead flee to try to recoup with a larger power base. MCS is among Prince Yu's captives.

MCS puts on a show of switching back to Prince Yu's side, which Prince Yu 70% buys. As a precaution, he puts MCS in solitary confinement and is the only one to visit him. MCS gives Prince Yu advice, which is examined like a hawk. Despite the severe constraints, MCS manages to influence Prince Yu in a way that is subtly favorable to Jingyan. MCS also notices that Prince Yu is hella unstable about his heritage, the way his father saw him, and the way he killed his father, and manipulates him about it. Because this takes months during which he doesn't see other humans beings, and he's necessarily using Prince Yu's deepest feelings – rather than his ambitions – to manipulate him, he ends up kind of emotionally attached.

Throughout this, Prince Yu starts fucking MCS as a form of control, revenge, humiliation, and affection. MCS never says no, and in some ways he does enjoy it, but overall it's an unpleasant experience that very much fucks him up and deepens his "Jingyan will never accept me, I'm not Lin Shu anymore, Lin Shu wouldn't do this" issues.

Eventually, Jingyan storms the capital, Prince Yu decants MCS out of the dungeons to use as one last form of defense/manipulation, which doesn't really work – Jingyan ends up killing Prince Yu in front of MCS. In his last few minutes alive, Prince Yu realizes that, once more, MCS has betrayed him for his lesser brother. As he dies, he asks for some kind of explanation. MCS, who is emotionally wrenched and crying just a little bit, leans in and tells him the truth – that he's Lin Shu, that Prince Yu never had a shot of gaining his loyalty if it meant he had to work against Jingyan. That, in another world, he would not have found Prince Yu impossible to follow and be loyal to. Prince Yu is at least a little insane by this point and finds this absolutely hilarious – he dies laughing.

And in a way, it's a truly satisfying resolution for him – the main thing that started driving him insane was finding out about his birth circumstances and realizing that, by the rules of his universe, he might be a human being who is fundamentally unworthy of loyalty or reward. MCS's second betrayal was truly devastating to him – they both got attached to each other – so knowing that the reason is "really old, unbreakable bond to someone else" rather than "no one wants me I guess" actually gives him some measure of peace. Anyway, Jingyan's there watching this incredibly intense 60 second interaction, going, ????

Meng Zhi is also there, watching MCS cry a little bit over The Worst Human Being, also going ???

MCS may not be in a state of moderate undress at this point because Prince Yu sexually humiliated him in front of an audience in an attempt to rattle Jingyan et al

Anyway, I'm a MCS/Jingyan shipper, so I also want the story after this point to be the painful game of telephone Jingyan and MCS play afterwards where MCS is like "okay I guess you'll discard me now that I've been so thoroughly dishonored?" and Jingyan is like "wtf you went through all that bullshit while helping ME, I don't think I can ever repay, I'm mortified at how much I'm unable to repay" and, also, yeah, "oof yeah I have hangups about masculinity and rape and I don't really know how to interact with a rape victim and also treat him as an intellectual peer. We don’t talk about it? That’s the respectful thing, right?"

(Then it gets better but the ways it which it gets better are obvious and don’t need full explanation)

[everything-laito]

Hello!

This is the first time that I ask something on tumblr

Sorry for my English, I'm not so good at it!

First of all:

Thank you so much for all your hard work! I love reading your assumptions and analysis.

You're really great!

Second, I wanted to ask you which is your thought about Laito's body language

I studied psychology and I'm quite obsessed how persons use their body, their clothes style and stuff like that to express themselves.

Thank you so much again!

Love from Italy!

Hello!! My sincere apologies for how late this is! I’m extremely grateful that you like my analyses, it truly means a lot, thank you so much! <3 And your english is just fine, don’t worry about that :)

This ask has been sitting in my ask box for the longest time because I have so so so much to say about him and his body language, but I also had to do some extra research about body language myself! I’m also extremely interested in body language myself, but I haven’t studied psychology as a degree. So if you have any extra commentary on this post, please let me know! I’d love to know your thoughts! 

As always, more under the cut! 

Laito body language notes

Just a quick disclaimer: it is harder to analyze sprites considering they’re not moving and we don’t exactly see their interaction with the speaker! And there’s a limited number of them! As always, this is just my interpretation, and feel free to tell me what you think, too!

This one right here- he’s facing directly at the “camera.” It vaguely reminds me of Monika in DDLC, where her sprite faces towards you with direct eye contact. It conveys a very unnatural air, along with it being plain eerie. Usually when you’re speaking to someone, their body isn’t all pointing towards you at once. However, the difference between Laito’s and Monika’s sprite is that Laito seems a lot more comfortable. He has his arms outreached, and his slight tilt of the upper torso doesn’t give that rigid vibe that Monika’s does. Still, it is off-putting. He seems like he doesn’t have much of a guard up, despite how lax this pose is. His hands outreached insinuates that, but considering he’s facing frontwards completely, it gives that “power” vibe. Not to mention he’s typically smiling like that when he’s in this pose. He’s trying to put on that friendly face in order to deceive you.

According to this website right here (which I’m using as a reference for this post) they say that if someone’s stomach is facing towards you, it’s most likely because they trust or admire you, etc. Obviously, Laito doesn’t typically feel that towards people until Yui comes along (but much further into their relationship, and in MB+). Like I previously said, it’s a more vulnerable stance that aims to make the other person more comfortable with him. However, it is off putting especially when you don’t expect it.

He’s still extremely lax. Laito never seems to give a defensive body signal, and that’s probably because he wants it that way. This guy is an S tier deceiver right here, and will use kindness in order to fool you. It’s how he rolls. His torso isn’t exactly pointed away; I’d argue that it’s more towards you but in a “subtle” way. But for this sprite, I’m going to focus on his head. It’s tilted. Not exactly tilted upwards, but it has the same effect when someone has their head tilted upwards when they’re looking directly at you. It’s tilted in the same sense that his eyes are looking down at you. This displays an air of confidence, and we know that this man is confident as hell. According to this website, it also says that this type of subtle head tilt can also be more attractive.

On top of that, his head is technically tilted downwards. This can give an implication of “submissiveness” [no I will not make a joke no I will not make a joke no I will not make a joke] which is probably his intention––it’s to lower the guard of whoever he’s speaking to.

As for his final pose, it’s a similar explanation to the previous one (with the head tilt). Except, it looks like his hand is behind his back, possibly in his back pocket of his shirt or the pocket of his jacket. I would argue that it could be the angle that he’s in but it’s clear that his elbow is bending, so I would assume he has his hand in a pocket. The hands in pockets can insinuate a lot of things, but I would say in this case, since both hands aren’t behind his back, he has his front exposed, and he has a lax posture, it’s another vulnerable/comfortable pose. I also did read that having your hand(s) in your back pocket(s) can mean that you’re hiding something––however this was said by a person on a fucking “pickup artist forum” (this was not on purpose I was just doing some avid googling) but they said they read it in a body language book. Sure they didn’t provide the exact source but I don’t feel like misogynists have enough brain cells to think of that on their own. And I can see that it could mean that (and it is in line with his character), so I’m comfortable with saying this. However if you think that’s absolute bogus, please let me know LMAO

In conclusion: He’s still a master manipulator. All of his poses make him seem very comfortable, vulnerable, and even friendly. Is he actually like that? Fuck no! Absolutely not! But he knows what he’s doing, and like I’ve always said that he has meticulously crafted himself so carefully into a cunning predator.

I have no idea if it was on purpose, but if they made him wear a fedora (yes I know its actually a trilby I know I know but haha funny fedora meme) to proliferate that whole “nice guy” stereotype/meme, that would be funny. I would love Rejet forever. However, I believe that same connotation doesn’t really exist in Japan, and Laito is probably wearing it considering it is part of their street fashion from what I’ve seen/read. So I don’t know. But I had to make a fedora joke. And the fact that he’s tipping it makes me want to make fun of him even more. I fucking love this dork.

However, I will end my banter, and expose some cool things I found! The sprites were provided by @/souchiika, and they got these sprites directly from the game files. So I got to see what the game files were named! They’re mainly named after the expressions he has. So let me just go through those as a little bonus! And especially since you’ve waited so long for this, anon!

Laito has a total of 11 expressions. Let’s go down the list! As a disclaimer, no I’m not fluent in Japanese, some of these I had to do a bit of research for or just knew off the top of my head from what I already know, but if I got any of these wrong, so as always, please let me know!

This file had the name of “cho” (most likely ちょ). (I had to dig a little for this one so I think this would best describe the description). This is a colloquialism meaning stuff like “come on” or wanting someone to do something for you. So I assume in this case (contextually speaking) it’s more of egging someone on to do something or teasing them.

This was called “emi” (笑み). That just means smile. Nothing more, nothing less. But it’s Laito, so it’s more of a sus smile when it comes to him haha.

This one was “Ikari” (怒り). This one was also an easy one: I know it means being angry, and that’s exactly what is being shown. The kanji (the first character) in it can also mean being offended, which I would say this expression has also been used for that contextually.

This one is “iroke”! (色気) Directly translated utilizing the kanji, it would basically mean “color of feelings.” Just found that cool! However, the word is usually meant to describe sexual feelings/attraction/desire, etc. I don’t think I have to explain that one any further lolol

This sprite was named “kana,” (かな) which is a word used for when you’re pondering something. It’s translated to “I wonder.” This one stuck with me a lot because Laito really likes saying “doushiyou kana” in a teasing manner being like “I wonder what we’ll do about that~/What to do~” kind of dealio.

This one was a toughie! I might have gotten this wrong but this one is “kon” (こん)! KSLDFJ I didn’t know this one off the top of my head so when I went ~dictionary diving~ the first result came up as “navy blue” DSKJFSD. So I dug a little deeper and apparently it can be used for the onomatopoeia of a yelp (usually of an animal?). I think that’s the closest definition I could find, and if I did get that right, then that’s pretty funny.

Oh man this one was named one of my favorite Japanese slang: “maji,” (マジ). It’s a word that doesn’t really have a true meaning, it’s really just in the context of things (kinda like “pog”). It can mean anything from “OH SHIT” to “ARE YOU SERIOUS?!” to “seriously/really?” Because there’s so many different ways to express disbelief, whether it be positive or negative. It’s also used as a word to put emphasis on things. But I would say in this case it would mean the more “seriously?” definition.

Hmm this one was another toughie. In the files it’s called “odo” which I couldn’t of anything other than オッド or おっと which either it would be romanized either as oddo or otto. オッド just means “odd,” but I would say おっと would be a better descriptor for this expression, which would mean kind of an “uh-oh” meaning. However, if “odo” is correct, the closest thing I could find was オドオド (odo odo) which is a descriptor/onomatopoeic word meaning “timidly/nervously/trembling.” But I don’t think that’s it. I would think that it would be the “uh-oh” word. But regardless, this is just my speculation. Maybe its short for 驚き which means “surprise/astonishment” but in more of an “amazement” sense. Or it could also be in the frightened sense depending on the context. I don’t know! Lololol! I know this is just for fun and I shouldn’t be looking too deep into it haha

OOOOO This one is another one of my favorite Japanese words: “tere”! (照れ) I would assume in this case it would be the bashful/shy definition. However, I would assume it’s more in the joking sense like the whole “I’m shy~~~” kind of feeling if that makes any sense.

I- ok I tried my best to research this one, but it’s labeled as “tujo” in the file name, however, a character directly linking with the romanization of “tu” in Japanese does not exist. The closest one would be “tsu.” However, when I looked up “tsujo,” the only word similar to that is a type of ketone and monoterpene (thujone) which is entirely uhhhhhhh chemistry and unrelated to this. So I legitimately have no idea. Obviously his expression is him being smug or mischievous. Or maybe I’m wrong. But if anyone has any idea, please let me know!

The final one is called “yoro,” which I can only assume would be short for “yoroshii” (よろしい). I had some issues with trying to translate this into English (like I know what it means y’know but it was hard to put into English), so I had to break out the dictionary once again. Dictionary said it can mean “ok!” Or “very well!” But it can vary with the context ofc, but I would say that a more positive definition rather than a neutral one fit this expression more.

Ok! That’s all of Laito’s file name expressions explained and translated! (Well ok except one). Once again, thanks for coming in my inbox, anon! This one was suuuuuuper fun to do, I learned a lot! I would love to know your thoughts as well!

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