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#if you cant accept me as i am then fuck you too
snekdood · 2 years
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i do like that to transandrophobes we’re the worst ppl in the world, aside from, idk, literally anyone in power
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literalfuckingfreak · 10 months
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also while im on it i dont care how magic a character is not everyone needs to have colored eyes. its like. fine to give people dark brown/ black eyes even if theyre "magical" or some shit.
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forgotten-daydreamer · 3 months
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please do not tell me you like how i write, because i will inevitably think i'm decent at it and think i'm worth appreciating
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steampoweredskeleton · 2 months
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Ignore
#delete later#in typical birthday fashion i am now exhausted snd overwhelmed and battling a meltdown#i stubbed my toe and now cant put any fucking weight on it#im exhausted from performing appropriate birthday excitement. i dont think i understand birthdays correctly#to me the only relevance of ppls birthday is that i can show that i care about them and give gifts that make them happy or#spend time with them. other than that its just a day. in my head my birthday is just a day but it's a day rhat im expected to be#ecstatic over. i dont understand that. i spend the day worried im not feeling the correct feelings or displaying them right#and worried bc the normal day routine is broken and im anxious bc i don't know what will happen#too much uncertainty. abd rhat anxiety makes me feel guilty. but at the same time bc to me birthdays are avout showing the#person that you care. if everyone ignored it i would start to assume they dont care. idk how to fix my brain on this#at least its only once a year. plus the whole still being alive at 24 thing freaks me out. so when i inevitably have my#meltdown or shutdown it comes with not fun things#i get the same way at christmas except its slightly more socially acceptable for me to hide at christmas.#meltdowns make me angry abd emotional so i know im being a bitch in my head but logic is hard so im just upset and angry#and confused on how im supposed to feel and act. i fucking hate my brain.#i have ordered good comfort food abd have weighted blanket abd new piercing. life is okay#i dont want to see mu parents this weekend but it will be what it will be. im so fucking tired
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ff2-soda-pop · 4 months
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I'm starting to question if I should even bother with the stupid paper.... I'm probably just gonna fail anyways lmao
#ive been running around stuck on Babysitter Duty for the past three days and the teacher only gave us any instructions on thursday yet#somehow expected a full paper done and edited by sunday. even if i wasnt stuck on babysitter duty she'd get a shitty paper just due to how#little TIME that is to get things done. but because i am on babysitter duty uhhh..... well so far there's no paper#ive been spending practically full days having to take care of my sister and i cant just Ignore Her so i havent done my paper while watchin#her because again: my focus needs to be on Her. and shes incredibly loud which makes it super hard to focus. fun combo /s#so i was like 'i'll just stay up Really Late and do it then' but that hasn't worked because my sister WONT GO TO BED if im awake. i was up#until 4am last night hoping she'd fall asleep and shut up and i could work but Nope!#and then i got too tired to even care anymore#i've tried explaining this to others and they're just like 'ok well you just need to find a way to make it work :/' which is very much#easier said than done! and im scared about this paper because this teacher doesnt accept late work at all for pretty much any reason#and im sure she wont understand my situation. because shes also the teacher that didnt understand that i didnt have the textbook on time#because it was still being shipped and i dont control the rate at which book ships and she was like#'..........okay well you still need to have the book by tomorrow at least <3' when i told her the book had Just shipped and idk when i'd ge#the dumb thing. so yknow i dont have high hopes about this#also just as extra 'make stuff more difficult' i have zero accommodations because my mom cant keep track of my fucking IEPs and they wont#let me have accommodations unless i have that and idk how to get a copy anymore. so i've also been running around with no help in that area#and it's not great </3#idk im just stressed out and frustrated and i Want To Cry :)#vent
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girlcrushau · 2 months
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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment#i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating#there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2#months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it#not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him#in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if#he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone#and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think#there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy#your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly#so last night#i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart#until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent#that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real#did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart#and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about#and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in#which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever#it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the#reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying#not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me#that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs#he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am
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pepprs · 7 months
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my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.
#purrs#longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing#and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how#deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is#to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is#being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten#alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can#one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the#most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably#i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this#delete later#i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting#people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself#and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i#feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk.#also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental#illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt#feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant#i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that#and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending
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daydadahlias · 11 months
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what are you getting us for ashton’s birthday
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some respect for fanfic authors as people will be first on the list <3
#ashton would want me to sass u <3#so i do this in honor of his birth <3#no but fr this reeks of entitlement bestie and idk if ur trying to be funny or not but if u r the joke is not landing#and if this is the same person who sent asks to another author asking for stuff for ashton's birthday pls know it's just not ok#it is *rude* baby.#like this is just genuinely very not okay. and i dont know how many times fanfic authors are going to have to tell readers that.#u genuinely cannot just go demanding authors for or expecting things from them. i dont know *where* this sense of entitlement is coming fro#like also ? the tone of this is so ?#i have no obligation to give you anything baby.#i am sort of just shocked by this#bc i was like 'it's his birthday hehe' and i was really quite happy about it#and then i got this and my mood tanked instantly. i am not ?? here to *give* you things like i owe them to u. r we clear??#and ik this just happened to another ash author too and like guys cmon?? i dont know how u cant see how this isnt acceptable#i mean readers have been entitled in the past but this last year is just... fucking insane. like i havent even been answering some asks#bc the shit i get is just like. sometimes so ridiculous it doesnt warrant a response. and ik im not the only one. im truly at a loss#fucking 40 kudos to 1 comment ratio on ao3. and yall think im gonna give u smthn bc u think u deserve it? u dont.#i dont know how u thought this was ok to send to an author who shares stuff entirely for free. like absolutely unfathomable to me.#and like i love my anons guys i really do. but a lot of people are coming in *expecting* things or demanding things from me. that's not ok#and u need to cut that shit out. now.#upsetting me on my fave holiday too :( how could u#this better have fucking been a joke that's all im fucking saying.#bc it's 1 am and im pissed.#pigeon#anon#sorry if im meeting this with an absurd amount of vitriol or whatever it is people say abt me but cmon guys#i dont know how u typed this out and thought 'yeah this is ok to send to someone <3 doesn't make me sound ungrateful and entitled at all'#fr guys u need to be respectful of authors please. treating us like people and not content machines <3 would be a really cute first step <3#not here for ur entertainment. here for mine. and u get to read some of the stuff i write. bc i like sharing#but the second people start being a dick to me. im gonna stop sharing my shit#so be nice to me and other authors if u want anything at all
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opanchu · 11 months
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love being a child of divorce cause i can ghost my dad
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trans-estinien · 2 months
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i love being autistic cause sometimes i get a glimpse into how regular people perceive things and its like. what the fuck. what the fuck is that? you live like this? and its normal?? i think YOURE the weird one actually. im fine. thanks though.
#THERES SO MANY WEIRD RULES#LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION TO HOW SOMEONE WALKS LIKE HUH????? WHY????????????#can someone fucking explain the dude head nod thing to me why do we do that. whats that about. ive never seen anyone do that irl before#is that an american thing or do i just hang around too many afab people#i am learning the intricacies of cis people gender rules and i am. what fucking planet have i been on the last 17 years like what is this#was there some like. rulebook they handed out at somepoint they forgot to give to me or something#“best way to learn is to observe the men around you” OBSERVE WHAT. YOU PEOPLE PAY THAT MUCH ATTENTION TO EVERY LITTLE MOVEMENT????#bruh i can barely make eye contact w people...#my ass has never intentionally copied someones mannerisms ever.#i do it subconsciously. but doing it actively feels weird and wrong and like im breaking someones boundaries#“men dont smile at people.” well they should.#ive decided cishet men are the most boring people on the planet#“dont move with your hands” YOURE BREAKING MY POOR THEATER KID HEART#i need to meet more gay men irl to absorb the vibe of cause i only know like two. not counting myself#i want people to look at me and go. ah yes. fruit.#at this point im just going to accept being misgendered for the rest of eternity. id rather die than be boring in the way cishet men are#my flavor of being trans is so influenced by my autism cause my perception of genders is completely off from what everyone else is doing#im like. yeah i want to be a man. and then i look at what the majority of men are actually like and its like. wait no. not like that#shoutout to flamboyant gay men where would i be without them#i think the thing that bothers me the most is that like#in my mind peoples genders are just. the way they express themselves.#its not like. this super big complex deal like how everyone else treats it. if that makes sense? like.#regular people have so many rules for what counts as a man or what counts as a woman or what counts as neither and its like???#you can do what you want???? why do we care????#and ive been doing this since i was little. on account of the autism#i just. dont get why its such a big deal to people.#i cant wrap my head around it at all#not nonbinary not a girl not aegender not a man but a secret fourth thing#(man but i do it my way instead of everyone elses way)#unfortunately doing it my way just. leads to the misgendering dimension. for some reason
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hauntingblue · 3 months
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Ace....... my beautiful dead wife comes back to haunt me once again
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bunnihearted · 5 months
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Why would you wish your neighbors to fkn die just because they make noise?
gosh some ppl are way too sensitive and cant handle ppl saying anything at all huh
#bc im angry and they are RUINING MY DAY EVERY SINGLE DAY#bc they make noise that wouldnt be heard if they didnt live in next to empty apartments#bc im extremely nosie sensitive and get sensory overload very easily and noise makes me suicidal and homicidal#good for you that you dont care!!!! you are FORTUNATE for not being this heavily affected by noise. you're not better than me. ur lucky#grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr it makes me so annoyed that ppl like u just cant handle mentally ill ppl VENTING.#am i sending them death threats? no. am i beating them up? no. am i sending complaints to them? no. i am enduring my suffering#bc we live in a world where nobody cares abt ppl who arent normal. i am in genuine physical pain bc of this everyday#do u think this is fun for me???? do u think i want to be like this? no! i'd kille to be like u who can walk unaffected thru life!!!!!!#do u think i enjoy spending my days in agony just bc noise upsets me? i cant fkn focus on my school work!!!!!!! or anything else!!!!!!!!!#do u know that there is NOTHING i can do? i have to accept a life of daily torment bc im noise sensitive#if society allowed me i'd live in specific apartments designed for noise sensitive ppl. or in a cottage on the countryside#but society dont give a fuck abt ppl who diverge from being normal#also omfg just bc i vent and say i wish they died dont mean i actually genuinely want them to die#why are y'all so black and white?????? why is it so hard to understand that just bc u express smth in anger dont mean u ACTUALLY want it#tbh y'all are too much. and fkn unfair. ppl are actually allowed to vent in anger and let out steam and not suppress their emotions#i have never done anything to cause another person harm. i even have high blood pressure bc im so stressed out yet i never do anything#i have done NOTHING to harm my neighbors. the only thing i do is vent on my blog#do u really think theyre magically gonna die just bc i vent abt it???????#bro fuck off you made me even angrier like if u cant handle ppl expressing ugly thoughts#u and i are not compatible bc *i* know that u need to express things u might not even mean#but u clearly dont and need everyone to be uwu peace and love and perfect so just leave me alone go awayyyyyyyyyyy
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skinnymeanfaggot · 8 months
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also
#im making huge huge changes in my life and i think the next logical step would be to cut off jamie. ive already been ghosting him but thats#just me avoiding the problem. i just like. it feels fucked to be like hey i told you i was ok with what you did but i Changed my mind#i just think like. i have next to no contact with him and i feel fucking fantastic. we talk like every couple months on the rare occurrence#he can text and then i answer in vague short sentences and ghost. and now that i finally have firm boundaries with him and havent engaged#with him sexually its like. i feel like basically all my ties are cut. and i feel like im ready to let go for the first time. like ive#always felt like i just wasnt ready but now i like i Am ready its just a matter of like. doing it. thats difficult. even though i know hell#accept it because hes matured. and like. idk. i think its fine like this#and idk i think its fine like this. being the absolute barest form of acquaintances. i cannot stress how little we interact and how little#affect he has on my life at this point outside of what happened in the past. like i am in a good place he is 99% cut off i just need to do#the last bit. but like also fuck. you know. its hard to kinda finish it off. and its also like ooh it would hurt his feelings but now i#fucking. dont care lol. after everything. with blue i realize every day just how much more respected i feel and less gross and shitty#even with being jamies friend which we never were because whenever i was single we were sexual. i just felt bad. i never wanted to fuck#either. and he would say he loved me and id be like hahaha yeahhhh and now that ive finally drawn that boundary and said he cant do that#anymore i feel so much lighter and i just feel so happy and safe with blue in a way ive never felt with jamie and its like. im almost there#i feel like i might be able to cut him off by the end of the year. and thats crazy to me. i just also have a lot of like shit to unpack#in general too also. with what he did. and i just have a lot. but i feel like im progressing
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bunny-heels · 1 year
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i hate how obsessed ive become to this show but god i cannot help it
#the bun talks#you dont understand#its a mixture of it being the perfect balance of kid wholesomness and angst#and the nostaliga of when i was a kid watching athf and had the thought of what if shake actually tried to be a good person#coupled with the fucking amazing voice actors#the lovingly featured representation and doing it in a way to really make you think#my bf and i were talking about how its basically WOY if wander and hater actually had a non-toxic relationship#this is the first kid show ive been obsessed with in years since MLP#and scratch and mollys relationship mean the world to me#i feel for scratch in that when i was younger it was really hard for me to accept that people outside my family cared about me#and i feel for molly cause deep down i wish i was as optimistic and outwardly friendly as her#and i have her kinda child like naivity that theres always a chance for things to get better#ive even had thoughts of kinning her at this point and maybe i want to? i dont know#the new ep related to me so fucking much i know its an experience that a lot of mixed race kids have but. it really really spoke to me#i really relate to her in ways that i cant fully explain. maybe i do kin her. i kinda feel like i already am#and finally like#im. so fucking in love with scratch. SO fucking in love#i live and die hard for characters like him. so upset at the world but finally gets the love he needs.#hes so fucking cute too and snyder does such a good job with him. hes very close to my heart already.#definitely fits the category of f/os that are short. vioent. and grumpy. but just really want attention#and that coupled with his lore and mysteries and the potential of what he really is its just.........#god i love him so so so so fucking much#im embarrassed cause i mean its literally just a kid friendly and a lil more likable MS but. im pretty sure thats another factor of it#cause obviously shake was one of the best parts of ATHF and yeah hes funny on his own#but my child brain back then was like. 'man i wonder what would happen if he was nicer'#and now i have my answer. in the form of him being a cute blue blob that befriends a girl who helps him open up#and its so nice that the show doesnt rely on secondhand embarrassment or making certain characters feel miserable for a gag#its#its just. such a fucking good show#and if it gets cancelled im genuinely gonna have a breakdown
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vcrnons · 11 months
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you have me intrigued about the dino dream
WHEJDJDHDH HELLO😭 ALL RIGHT SO HERE’S THE NIGHT DINO RUINED MY LIFE🫠🫠🫠
(i remember this entirely too vividly and that’s because sometimes i randomly think about it and it sends my entire day into a spiral, so im rly sorry for how long this is lmao) (writing this out has made me feel so incredibly delusional) (under the cut for length & also to prevent anyone who doesn’t want to be subjected to my dumb dream bs)
chan & i worked together and we were at some kind of a training day? type? thing? and i guess we must’ve been like passively flirty colleagues or something because when he came into the big training room (which we were all sat ON THE FLOOR IN??? where were the TABLES AND CHAIRS what even is my subconscious) he came and sat RIGHT next to me and we had this cute little small-talk moment before the actual training stuff started
so we’re sat on the ground and we’re being lectured about information governance and data protection and shit, and lmty i am NOT listening because i can’t stop staring at him??? fr my guy looked HEAVENLY you can’t blame me for this. N E way i’m sat like. knees bent & pulled up to my chest, he’s got one leg bent up, both his fuckin. strong ass arms wrapped around it. and one leg out flat because he’s insane and wanted me to suffer, probably. and i’m just trailing a finger up and down his arm the entire time, feeling his muscles, giggling to myself quietly and he keeps looking back at me and smiling and I WAS LIKE HELP. because. it was BLINDING and his eyes were so soft and i’m getting palpitations remembering it wait—
so we break for lunch, it’s a dumb little buffet style thing of just sandwiches and chips and that’s literally it. and we eat and everyone’s like “well this is shit” but it’s free food so we’re still going for it yk. good to know dream j takes food as seriously as awake j does. moving on!
a few minutes into this lunch he pulls me to one side and asks if we can talk so we went out into a corridor and apparently ig we’re in this big high-rise building with floor-to-ceiling windows, staring out over a city??? bro the view is INSANE. so. he gives me one of his AirPods, puts on a song, we’re just looking out over this city together and listening to the music. he turns the volume down and we start talking just quietly about fuck-knows-what, obviously it starts getting a little Juicy. we’re super close, basically in each others faces, noses TOUCHING. (what in the wattpad was i inhaling this day—) and HE TILTS HIS HEAD TO THE SIDE SO HES LIKE AN I N C H AWAY FROM KISSING ME AND HE SAYS “you know, if you wanted something more, all you had to do was ask”
SO OBVIOUSLY DREAM ME LOSES HER DAMN MIND AND NEARLY CRUMBLES TO THE FLOOR. LIKE. WHOOOO GAVE HIM THE RIGHT. WHO ALLOWED HIM TO BE SO SLICK WITH IT
and HE WENT IN FOR A KISS. BUT BECAUSE I WAS SO FKN NERVOUS AND THINKING “there’s no way this is happening rn—“, I SWERVED IT AND HE LIKE FREAKED OUT THINKING HE’D DONE SOMETHING WRONG SO HE RAN AWAY. I TRIED TO SHOUT AFTER HIM LIKE NO WAIT COME BACK BUT BRO WAS GONEEEEEEE
and then we had to go back into the training room so i went in and sat down where i was before but he SAT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM LOOKING ALL UPSET. and im trying to make eyes at him like babe come back im sorry let me explain BUT HE WOULDNT LOOK AT ME. and then fuckin. seungkwan comes over, crouches down, and is like
“hey, please don’t mess around with chan. he really, really likes you. never shuts up about you. if you don’t like him like that, it’s okay, but please just be gentle with him”
AND HE WAS SO SWEET BUT I WAS LIKE BRO DONT FUCKIN— I LIKE HIM I JUST GOT SCARED TELL HIM TO COME OVER HERE RN
but HE DIDNT. so at the end of the thing I just went over and dragged that man by his shirt out of the room and threw myself at him and explained everything and THEN WE FINALLY GOT THE SMOOCH. AND IT WAS JUST REALLY FUCKIN. IT WAS A LOT. IT WAS VERY A LOT. AND IM STILL NOT OKAY OVER IT. IF YOU WONDERED 🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠
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postalplants · 2 years
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Anybody else wanna laugh with me about the fact that the very night that we got to the new house, they both looked us in the eye and told us that for a year (of the year and a half that we'd been living with them) that they regretted saving us from our abusers because we were so physically and mentally ill.
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