#for having a justification for what you did. i hurt you too and ive owned up to it and apologized for it

[mbat]

no cause earlier i had a straight guy i know telling me and my friend what we could and couldnt say as gay people?? and it was like? girl whered you get the authority??

cause. okay so me and my friends like to throw around the faggot word as a joke in private just because we find it funny, we dont use it to insult people we just use it in a silly way yknow, and obviously i reblog stuff on tumblr that also has that word occasionally

and in the discord i posted a meme that had it, it was literally just this:

and this dude is like "language" and i thought he was joking like in that way that people say language when someone curses or whatever, but he was NOT

AND HE WAS LIKE 'I DONT FIND BIGOTRY FUNNY' IM QUEER?? ME AND MY FRIEND ARE BOTH QUEER??? the meme wasnt even directed at anyone ??

and he just suddenly starts arguing with us hardcore about how no one should say slurs and how its bigoted no matter how people use it, even gay people.

and we were trying to say 'this is us reclaiming a word that has literally been used against our people and us specifically because its taking back power that we didnt have before, and its taking the power away from this word that was used to hurt people before, and instead making it a funny silly thing so that its powerless' and whatever yknow?

and this dude was just NOT listening. bro did not read a thing i swear. and when we all just started trying to send memes to make him shut the fuck up cause we were clearly done with the conversation but he wasnt. he had the GALL to say 'you know im right and youre deflecting because you dont have any real justification' SHUT UPPP SHUT THE FUCK UP

the way me and my friend in a private chat were talking about all the ways that being queer has been difficult for us, specifically the ways that queerphobic people have attacked us both online and irl, how reclaiming these words is like saying fuck you to all those people who did those awful things. like... this guy who has NEVER experienced any of that stuff AND NEVER COULD was trying to tell us how we should handle our own identities. where did you get the authority.

like, literally people have come into queer spaces ive been in before and spammed transphobic caricatures and nazi imagery, sent full on porn in the main chat in a server that had minors in it (it was a fucking minecraft server of all places too), someone has literally sent me an image of literal corpses because im queer. i still remember the way i felt the first time someone called me a tranny, it sent a shock through my whole body. it wasnt that it necessarily even hurt, but it felt like i was a tuning fork that got smacked against a wall at full force.

so yeah. i will say the words faggot and tranny in a silly little way all i want, and someone whos never been in my place cant tell me not to. if theres anyone who shouldnt be allowed to say these words, its the people who did all those things i mentioned above, because they would only ever use those words as a weapon. using these words, for me, is like taking a sword and melting it down into a little dog statue, just a silly little thing.

look, its valid, MORE than valid, for people to be uncomfortable with these words, and not like them, and not want them said around them and especially about them, but you cant tell me that i cant say it in my own life. this guy wasnt advocating that we simply stop using it in the discord, he was outright saying we just never say it ever again. and that was just like... who gave you the right? weve fought for this. weve been through a lot for this. i spent a lot of years scared of so many things and words, and im sick of being scared.

i know this was super dramatic over a stupid discord argument but it really came out of nowhere and made me reflect on a few things. i love to reclaim words (that i can) and, to an extent, imagery and stereotypes, because it feels so good to turn these harmful things into something that makes me laugh, or hell, even just smile. i dont care that its weird, i dont care that it probably looks bad, because like... honestly fuck off? its my life.

[postalplants]

Anybody else wanna laugh with me about the fact that the very night that we got to the new house, they both looked us in the eye and told us that for a year (of the year and a half that we'd been living with them) that they regretted saving us from our abusers because we were so physically and mentally ill.

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

the irony of that disgust post about parents cus my mom literally told me i look too skinny and said it in disgust. ive been losing weight due to stress and also comments she made when i gained weight during the pandemic. why am i just never fucking enough??

because she will not allow you to be enough. because she uses you as an outlet for her own anger and misery and bitterness, and no matter what you did or who you were, she would find something about you that isn't good enough.

people like this don't criticize you because there's something wrong with you, they criticize you because there's something wrong with them.

an abuser will find a justification for abuse, because they're an abuser.

if you don't present something that is easy to criticize, they will fabricate something to criticize. if you're perfect, they will hate your perfection. they will force you into no-win situations and shame you no matter which decision you make. they will set you up for failure and then mock you for it. they will criticize you in one direction, and when you try to do better, they will take up the completely opposite position and criticize you more.

the abuse is the point.

using you as an outlet for their feelings and an object to be controlled is the point. hurting you is the point. making you feel like shit is the point. cutting you down so that you don't have the self-worth to stand up for yourself is the point. robbing you of the confidence to realize you deserve better is the point.

you need to see that this isn't about winning the game and earning her approval, it's about knocking over the playing board and walking away from the table. the game is rigged.

look at her and realize that she's a sad, miserable, manipulative little person, and it's pathetic and disgusting that she treats her child like this. would you treat your child like this? of course you wouldn't. only someone pathetic would dangle their love like a carrot on a stick and hold it out in front of you where you can never reach it. only someone disgusting would hurt their child on purpose.

i'm not saying you need to hate her; you can realize she's a pitiful abuser and still love her, i promise. but as horrifyingly painful as it is, you need to realize that the approval and love and acceptance you so desperately want doesn't exist in the fucked-up mess of her heart. you can't figure out the code that unlocks it; it's not there.

and that's a not fault of yours, it's the fault of her for not working out her own damn problems and instead choosing to make them your problems.

it fucking sucks, but you don't have the mother you deserve. you need to stop hurting yourself trying to twist yourself into a shape that will create that person. you do not possess the power to make her be what you so deeply need her to be.

it's not fair, and it's awful, and it hurts like a bitch, but the sooner you stop chasing approval that will never come, the sooner you can start building approval of yourself. there will always be part of you that needs what she was supposed to give you, but it's better to start this journey now than when she's inflicted more harm.

listen to me, sweetheart. you are enough. you are good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, successful enough, enough enough enough.

do not measure your value by what this broken person inflicts on you. gather up your pieces and hold them gently, stop playing her game, and give yourself approval and compassion and kindness. you deserve so much kindness.

[mari-beau]

GIVE ME A REASON: PART ONE -A Rogue One Fanfic

So… This is my playing with Jyn and what happened Post-Scarif in my headcanon where Cassian and Jyn survive. Sort of a companion piece to my fic ‘Partners’ (in that it takes place in the same sort of AU).

Title: Give Me A Reason: Part One

Genre: Hurt/Comfort

Characters: Jyn Erso POV, Cassian Andor

Pairing: Cassian/Jyn (mostly pre-ship?)

Spoilers: Rogue One; Episode IV A New Hope

Setting: Post-Rogue One AU (Cassian & Jyn live); Also during/post A New Hope

Warnings: None? (references to scars/wounds and some hurt/comfort, angst? Half-nakedness? Jyn being a bit of an overprotective b****?)

Words: 1283

Summary: Jyn’s entire universe has been turned on its head, so maybe she’s clinging a little too hard to the one thing she feels certain of (strangely enough) as she tries to figure out her place in the galaxy. And maybe she’s being a little overprotective of a wounded captain.

There was a buzzing in Jyn Erso’s head. It cut through the blissful haze, sharp and shrill.

No.

Was her first and only thought. The buzz stopped.

Mmm, better. She turned her face into the fragrant warmth of bare male skin, and sleep settled back over her like a blanket.

Another shrill buzz tore that pleasant blanket of contentment off her with a jarring shock.

Fine.

She opened her eyes, found her companion still fast asleep -which was good, he needed it- realized the buzzing was the door chime and made her best attempt to slip out of the bed without waking him. Fortunately, his sleep over the past few days had been more akin to comatose unconsciousness, and he didn’t even stir.

Son of a Vekrak.

Jyn looked around the small military quarters but ultimately gave up. Her clothes had disappeared when she’d woken up in the infirmary, replaced with a medical tunic and pants, which were currently in a pile buried beneath other dirty clothes in the corner of the room. But any body parts the sight of which would scandalize most species, were covered, and as for others, well that was whoever was disturbing her nap’s problem.

And she had to get to the door to cease the annoying buzzing alarm before the idiot disturbed her companion as well. Or else, she might not be responsible for what she did to them.

Not if they caused Cassian Andor any harm, in any form, even if it was just waking him up.

Jyn tapped the door controls a little harder than necessary, but preempted another buzz of the chime, the intruder standing in the hall with their finger raised to the outside controls.

It was a woman, in Alliance uniform, who promptly came to attention. Why exactly, Jyn couldn’t guess. Jyn may have led a tragedy of a suicide mission on behalf of the rebellion, but she hadn’t officially joined up, had no rank (or probably right to even be) on the Yavin 4 base.

Oh.

The formality of the woman’s response was to mitigate her obvious surprise and discomfort. Her blue eyes wandered about rather frantically, taking in Jyn’s appearance, the quarters behind her, the bed with the (hopefully still) sleeping captain who looked like he’d been through a war, which he literally had. Her eyes went back to Jyn, avoiding her face, lingering a little bit too much on the non-soldier’s bare legs. Apparently, the undergarments she had borrowed from Cassian’s meager stock of clothing did not merit ‘decent enough to answer the door’.

It wasn’t like they were too tight, revealed too much… Okay, so the sleeveless undershirt was thin enough that Jyn’s nipples probably showed through, but while it probably fit Cassian pretty snug, it was not like it was skin tight on her. And the undershorts were likewise a little loose, which had forced her to roll the waistband down to below her hip bones. But still… Hadn’t the woman ever seen another woman sleeping in a man’s undergarments?

Blue eyes darted to Jyn’s rat’s nest hair, fell to her mostly exposed shoulder, the one with the angry looking blaster scar, still fresh, pink and aggressively thickly textured.

Jyn sighed. Honestly, could she blame the woman for staring?

“Can I help you?” she asked, taking pity on the soldier.

“Uh, yes, uh… Miss Erso.” The blue eyes finally settled on Jyn’s face and the woman seemed to steel herself to face the uncivilized heathen. “I’ve been sent with a request from Command for Captain Andor.”

Jyn narrowed her eyes as the woman’s gaze slid past the half-dressed civilian again, this time for more than a glance at the man lying in the bed, who was even more naked than Jyn was, as she’d left him in just a pair of undershorts, a lightweight blanket only covering his hips and upper thighs. Parts of him were still covered in bandages, his skin discolored with bruises both dark and faded, a fresh blaster scar on his side to match Jyn’s. Nearly every vulnerable part of him was exposed. But the base was on a farking jungle moon, and while the higher ups’ quarters likely had decent environmental controls, it could get stifling in the lowly spy-captain’s small room, especially with two bodies squeezed into the same narrow cot.

But Jyn wasn’t about to sleep anywhere else. For her own sanity, she had to be close, until she was certain he could protect himself again. He was too vulnerable as he recovered from his Scarif injuries. He was too vulnerable to be ogled by some Alliance messenger girl.

Putting a hand on the doorframe, Jyn moved to fill the space as best she could with her petite body, blocking the other woman’s view of Cassian as much as she could.

“He can’t take any of Command’s orders,” Jyn said, knowing the underling didn’t deserve her disdain but unable to keep the bitterness from showing. Cassian had given everything just short of his actual death to the rebellion. “He’s on medical leave.”

Force, he couldn’t yet stay awake for more than a handful of hours a day, could barely stand upright, let alone walk more than a few steps.

“They want you both to come to the ceremony this evening,” the messenger girl said hastily, slurring most of the words together as Jyn reached for the door controls to close it in the soldier’s face.

Jyn hesitated, completely thrown. “Ceremony?”

“To recognize the heroes that defeated the Death Star. And to honor those who lost their lives, in that battle. And on Scarif. As the only Alliance survivors, Command wanted you and Captain Andor to be present.”

Jyn rolled her eyes. What difference to the dead did it make? Why should she care about appeasing Command’s conscience? It wasn’t worth dragging Cassian from his recovery to be paraded about so the Alliance could feel good about itself. Jyn had done what needed doing, just as Cassian had, just as the others had. It was pain and sorrow and death. And no amount of ‘thank you for your valor’ or whatever bantha shit would make it better.

The satisfaction, the only justification that soothed Jyn’s conscience, was that they had done the job, had defeated Krennic. But what if Cassian needed more to assuage any survivor’s guilt he’d been accumulating? Beneath that stoic exterior of his, she sensed a very soft, troubled soul.

“I’ll tell the captain when he wakes,” Jyn said. “It’s his decision. He might not be up to it.”

“I’ll inform Command that you may be absent.” The soldier shifted her weight. “It starts in 3 hours.”

Jyn frowned. “That’s kind of last minute.”

“Well, once the decision was made to evacuate, there was a bit of a rush to-”

“Evacuate?!” Force, you hole up in a man’s bed for a few days and you lose all touch with the outside world.

“Uh, yes. The Empire is sending a fleet as fast as possible to destroy Yavin base.” It was apparent on the woman’s face that this quick task someone had sent her on was turning into a conversation she hadn’t bargained for. “Someone should be around with your evacuation unit assignment soon. Captain Andor will probably either be grouped with his Intelligence garrison or…” Another glance at the unconscious wounded man (which Jyn didn’t know why it irked her that someone dared look at him, but it got her temper up fierce). “Or he’ll be put in with medical evac.”

The soldier had made no implication either way, and Jyn didn’t even bother asking whether she’d be assigned to the same unit as Cassian. Because it didn’t matter what the Alliance said, Jyn wouldn’t be leaving his side.

Read Part Two

[ronsenburg]

i saw this post and IMMEDIATELY started writing an essay, so I moved it here so as not to clutter up someone else’s post...........

it absolutely blows my mind that, today in 2021, i honestly can’t remember what’s canon from the turnabout serenade case, what i read in a fanficition, and what is my own personal HC. like, it’s been more than a decade since i played the case for the first time and it’s probably been 5ish years since the last time i played AJ (definitely forgot to play it again before writing youngblood which is.... contributing to this) so i really don’t know if what goes on in my head is accurate, but, over the years, i’ve come up with a Lot of Thoughts, which i’ll discuss below. 

tldr; it’s all about power (the desire for, the subversion of, the need to maintain), but if you’d like the specifics, here you go:

daryan: i think the explanation that he did it for “the money” is a line. please don’t mistake me, daryan is an asshole and a murderer, im not discounting that, but in court ive always thought that he was playing the part that everyone- especially klavier- is expecting of him. he’s the bad guy. might as well make it a finale for the books.

i’ve always seen daryan and klavier as opposite sides of the same coin when it comes to family and career aspirations. where i imagine klavier came from a well off and well loved family before his parents died, i see daryan from a working class, difficult upbringing. i read a few papers on the psychology of children/parenting style of police officers and decided early on that daryan’s dad was also a cop. his mother is either dead or (more likely) left them early on. dad coped by working a little too hard, gambling/drinking a little too much, and was overall not around a lot and kind of an authoritarian/controller when he was. it left daryan with a lot of anger he had to cope with, about what it means to be a cop, the idea of a “just cause” and the ends justifying the means, and an issue with authority (which is laughable, considering what a bully he turned out to be. sometimes we emulate our parents unintentionally; it’s the only thing we have to model our behavior on). so daryan started off at a disadvantage. klavier started off loved and supported and surrounded by expensive belongings, but the death of his parents and the subsequent emotional and financial abuse by his newly appointed guardian/brother left him in a similar place by the time he and daryan met. i think it was probably the foundation for their bond, and i think it’s why klavier decided to become a prosecutor instead of following in his brother’s footsteps and why daryan ultimately decided to enter law enforcement as well. i think they had a lot of optimistic, idealistic thoughts on being better than the people that hurt them, on utilizing the law to make the world a better place. i don’t think klavier ever conceived that kristoph could have wanted him in the prosecutors office as another pawn to play, and i don’t think he realized how fluid daryan’s morality could be.

shipping alert—you guys know me, im crazy for the idea of a “best friends to on again off again lovers to tenuous coworkers to bitterly disappointed in but still harboring feelings for the other person despite being on opposite sides” dynamic between daryan and klavier. i honestly can’t separate the ship from the case and im sorry about it. if you read youngblood you know that i think daryan started to resent klavier pretty early on, when they were still together, when the band was still successful, because klavier was able to move forward and work through the issues of his past while daryan was seemingly stuck. yes, daryan had made detective and the gavinners were a hit, he’d risen above his initial social standing and thrown off the control his father, he had money and fame and a future. but everything he had was because of klavier. daryan needed klavier, emotionally, morally, financially. but even when klavier was professing his love for daryan, both privately and in the form of chart topping songs, he didn’t need daryan. it was obvious (and of course, healthy, but how do children of abuse learn what a healthy relationship looks like without help? especially when the only relationships you’ve ever had are codependent and, in some ways, just as toxic?) and so things spiraled. daryan got possessive and angry again and klavier got distant and they broke up and got back together and broke up and didn’t get back together but kept ending up back in each other’s arms for comfort and for support and because how the hell do you move on when the person you’ve been in love with since you were 15 is sitting next to you on a tour bus and is also your partner in a homicide case and singing songs he wrote about you on stage in front of thousands of screaming fans?

okay, shipping glasses off, sorry. but no matter how you look at their relationship, daryan’s promotion out of homicide was probably the most distance they’d had from each other in years, as it removed a large chunk of the daily “working relationship” aspect. and without klavier there to act as a moral compass, it was likely easier to slip back into his earlier thoughts about what constitutes justice and his intense hatred of being pushed around by someone who has more power than you. so enter the chief justice with a son who is sick, dying even, but can’t get the medicine he needs because there’s a government out there telling them no. The reasons are arbitrary: the medicine could be used as a poison and can’t be found anywhere else so it might come back to bite the country in the ass if it’s misused by criminals. newsflash: pretty much all medicine is poisonous if it isn’t used correctly, should we stop using penicillin entirely because some people might be allergic to it? they’ve essentially condemned a whole bunch of people to death because they’re worried about their reputation. and that doesn’t sit well with daryan, who is caught up remembering the bullshit justifications his dad would spout when he knocked him around, that kristoph would give when withholding every single penny of money klavier was entitled to until he agreed to do what kristoph wanted. it isn’t right, it isn’t fair and unfair laws shouldn’t have to be upheld, especially when they’re the unfair laws of a country you most definitely did not swear to uphold and protect. it was never about money, though daryan agrees to take it when the chief offers it to him, more for his comfort level than for daryan’s need or desire. it’s about justice and putting a bully in it’s place with a (seemingly) victimless crime that should be so easy given his role in the international division of criminal affairs and klavier’s sudden hard on for the country of borginia. seriously, how could this have been any more straightforward? daryan is capable of murder, though. all cops are. and if it came down to a “them or me” shootout, of course he’d pull the trigger. 

machi: when you come from nothing, the desire to have something of your own is overwhelming. the idea that machi is famous and financially set is disingenuous; he is not individually famous, he is Lamiroir’s “blind” pianist. yes, she views him as a son and seems to care deeply for him, but his main purpose in her life is to perpetuate a lie. machi has been abandoned before; what will happen to him if lamiroir suddenly remembers who she was in the past? what if she has a family and a true son of her own and has no use for him? what if their secret is found out and the public rejects him for his role in it? he is 14. what does he know about being provided for? about contracts and trust funds and royalties? he ended up in an orphanage originally because he was unwanted, and that led to a life of poverty and hardship. abandonment issues are rooted in fear and are rarely logical. i find it far easier to believe that machi did it for the money, but more for the power money might have given him towards independence in an unfeeling and capitalist world.

kristoph: i won’t get into this, because this is supposed to be about daryan and machi and the guitar’s serenade, and kristoph is not really involved in that at all. but i think everything that kristoph has ever done in the game, good or bad, is rooted in a pathological need to constantly be in control. i think that kristoph and klavier both have very intense personalities that they have sought to control over the course of their lives for the sake of their careers. kristoph believes that to be a good lawyer, you need to play your cards close to your chest, that to show your hand is to expose a weakness that the enemy can exploit, that to show no weaknesses at all places you in a position of power. klavier believes that to show his true self, to display his weaknesses and fears to the public, would result only in their rejection. as such, they both wear masks of their own creation even under the most intense of pressures: kristoph as pleasant and calm, klavier as magnetic and dynamic. note the primary difference in their rational? klavier wants to be wanted, while kristoph wants power. and power corrupts, after all. once you have it, what could be more overwhelming than the idea that you might lose it all? it can drive even the most rational people to commit acts of passionate irrationality in the name of holding on to that power. and kristoph has so many pieces involved in his strategy to maintain.  

[prompt-master]

Would you be willing to share how you might rewrite Yukizome, Sakakura, and Munakata to make them likable characters (if not ppl Bc there’s a big difference)???

ahhhhhhh this ask got me so stupidly excited that I was like wavin my hands around. I think about how to rewrite their characters OFTEN. very often. I’m gonna go with likeable character over likeable people because I think they work better where they’re actually not that likeable people. 

The one I think about the MOST is Munakata. He was SUCH wasted potential and I partially blame the medium for that (a single season anime is too constrained for future, it needed more time and care to be a proper story). But Munakata is actually so close to being a compelling character but they made some MAJOR mistakes with him. This ended up getting really long and more like a 3 page ADHD ramble essay. SO IM VERY SORRY to anyone who cannot read this but TYTYTY if you did because these ideas make me very happy! Oh it’s only about Munakata btw because of how long it got

The thing about Munakata is that he is designed to be a foil to Naegi. In fact a majority of dr3 future FOCUSES on this foil dynamic. It is Naegi’s hope vs Munakata’s hope. The World’s hope vs The FF’s hope. And more importantly it is True Hope vs Corrupted Hope.

This is a fantastic concept...so why didn’t it work in canon? I think that the biggest most glaring issue with Munakata’s hope is his logic. Munakata is meant to be a logical man, although with corrupted morals that lead him astray. Yet in canon his logic is laughably infallible. For example as a major figure in the FF and someone who wants to spread hope....why would he tell Naegi to kill himself? More importantly why does he continue to try and slaughter Naegi? The issue here isn’t from the fact that he wants him dead but from the fact that he is under the IMPRESSION that this entire game is being broadcast to the world.

Think about this for a second. In Munakata’s eyes he is going to kill the Ultimate Hope, an international symbol of a better life, live on TV. He doesn’t just want to kill the Ultimate Hope..he wants to do it BRUTALLY as a MAJOR FIGURE OF THE FF. IMO this should have happened later on as the game furthers the emotional turmoil in Munakata’s head and he eventually snaps and gives in to the desire to kill Naegi despite the fact that this is live. And then there should be CONSEQUENCES for that. I wanted so badly a realization where Munakata realizes that he is hurting the Ultimate Hope in front of what he believes is the entire world. 

Another issue with Munakata’s logic is saying things such as...implying that the HPA KG was...just a game. I mean...people DIED. it's not hard to see how wrong that logic is. you can't say “this is the real world now” when what Naegi experienced WAS the real world. I think that this could be fixed through a bit of world building. DR3 Future is rather isolated from its world. We don’t really know much about the world and its dynamics. I think it would make perfect sense if the general public viewed the HPA KG as a tv show, they got numb to the sight and even those untouched by despair had a hard time connecting that these are REAL people suffering. With this previously established Munakata expressing that the KG was not real would make a lot more sense and play into his corrupted idea of hope. 

There is also Munakata’s connection to his other friends. Now I’ve talked about this before but the game was clearly designed to BREAK Munakata and Naegi. This way the FF would die, both the FF and World’s hope would be broken, and upon seeing this Mitarai would have no choice but to deploy his own forced hope. So it makes perfect sense that Yukizome’s death would break him (in fact if she hadn’t died in that way, her NG code was designed to be Munakata’s fault). But something about it felt...superficial. Again I think this is the mediums fault but it almost feels as though Munakata just forgets about Yukizome until later. I think they should spend more time establishing his pain and what he has lost and why this pushes him to kill. In his eyes if she can die then nothing else matters. It should be THE breaking point, not the first push. I do like the betrayal he feels towards realizing she had despair but it needed more time to fester. 

And his relationship with Sakakura also felt weak. In all honesty it was hard for me to feel as though they were ever friends. Sakakura is written as though he just follows Munakata like a loyal dog and Munakata just orders him around. Establish their relationship more! Why are they such good friends? Why is Sakakura important to him? And more importantly why did Munakata decide to cruelly gut Sakakura knowing he was about to confess? This is because he believed that Sakaura was despair and that his confession was more manipulation, but they didn’t show this well at ALL. Munakata just comes across as a major a-sshole who does not care. I also personally found it distasteful that when changing his heart Munakata only seemed to cry for Yukizome. I understand that was his love interest but Yukizome at the end of the day killed herself. Sakakura however was an unnecessary betrayal he took into his own hands AS HE HIMSELF KILLED HIM. He should have more guilt over that! Not just in that moment where he runs to Sakakura, but ahead of time as well! Maybe even DURING his rampage they could have shown him having moments of guilt but he is so absorbed in the idea that all despairs have to die that he doesn’t even realize he has become despair in the name of hope.

A BIG weakness on Munakata’s part comes with interacting with other characters. He is a man who should know how to take charge, lead, and doesn't know what to do when things are getting too crazy even though he THINKS he does. Munakata is heavily flawed, OBVIOUSLY flawed, but many of the interactions with him are as tho his rampage isnt a big deal. There should be reasons for this! Why do people trust Munakatas guidance so much? I dont know! All ive seen from him is that hes insane! Maybe even pieces where around others hes a lot nicer so you can understand why they follow him, even though hes ready to gut Naegi alive with a flaming katana. His interactions with others feel like the writers just wanted to see the next big evil thing they could think of, but for Munakata’s character this doesn't make sense because he was appointed a high status in the foundation for a reason. Maybe even have people say they disagree with some of his methods but at the end of the day he gets the job done!

There is another major missed opportunity here and it's why Muanakata wants Naegi dead so badly in the first place. The remnants. Hiding terrorists in the apocalypse is a PERFECTLY valid reason to want someone dead and think they're a bad guy! But I think since Naegis initial arrest was already so hostile and violent we get the sense that the FF is simply just...crazy. 

And let’s think about what Munakata WANTS from Naegi. He does not just want Naegi dead he wants something worse. He wants Naegi to suffer first. He thinks that Naegi doesnt understand his own personal pain. He thinks that because Naegi protected the remnants he must also not care about the suffering the remnants caused. He wants Naegi to feel despair and then die. This is important to his corrupted hope. He thinks the suffering must be shared in order to understand who must die, but he is creating a cycle of pain. Tie this back to the broadcasting issue. He wants Naegi to break for everyone to see. I think..and this is just a concept..I think it would have been a great idea for Munkata to force Naegi to watch the despair video so that he has no choice but to understand. 

AND themes are majorly important to Danganronpa. And I don’t think its a stretch to say that there are parallels between Munakata and Naegi. In fact I would say that there are aspects of the og trio in this new trio. I think it would have been really cool if they showed how our favorite trio could have ended up if they had been corrupted as well. But the parrellels dont stick strongly. I think it would have been cool to show a past where Munakata’s idealism lies more strongly than Naegis. As the student council president there was a time where he himself had to use his words to solve problems. Perhaps he learned that sometimes his words made things worse. Munakata does not have Naegi’s talent of emotional intelligence. He is a man of action over words. So he interprets this as WORDS being the problem rather than understanding he does not have these skills. Especially when the apocalypse breaks out, it becomes all action over words. So he sees Naegi who is all talk as a genuine threat who will let everyone die through his “weak ineffective” idea of hope. 

Another parallel could be drawn from the fact that they both have hope based careers. Their job is too keep things hopeful. Maybe Naegi stays safe doing public broadcasted speeches, while Munakata is on the field weeding out despairs. This would cause Munakata to feel as though Naegi is doing no real work yet getting all the credit for being a savior.

Munakata constantly complains that Naegi does not know true pain. But he and we as an audience have followed Naegi through his entire process of trauma. We know he is in the wrong. But what do we as an audience know about Munakata’s suffering? We are shown almost nothing! There are some implications, but for how intense he is implications are not enough. We need to see his suffering. We should see how he has witnessed death. Yukizomes death is not nearly enough for this because he talks as though he has suffered for years. How can we as an audience understand that when we have never seen it? How can we understand Munakata when he is outright denying Naegi’s trauma that we KNOW existed with no proper justification for his reasoning?

I also believe that Munakata should have died. It actually upsets me a bit that he was PLANNED to die but didn't. He should have died protecting Naegi after all that suffering and relentless brutality he offered him. Munakata again is a man of action over word, and protecting Naegi with his last breath is the perfect way to show how in the end he changed. Especially when all he wanted initially was for Naegi to die. I find that much more satisfying than just…...walking off to who knows where.

So lets recap some changes. Munakata needs a proper display of his past traumas and his relationship with Sakakura and Yukizome. Munakata needs a proper display of his work relationships and the respect he has earned. Munakata needs to fall into corruption at a better pace, and have geniune reasons for his illogical attacks on Naegi. Munakata needs to care more for his friends. Munakata needs to deal with the turmoil of wanting to hurt Naegi while he believes the world is watching. Munakata needs to die for Naegi

This has gotten long...and I still have things to say. There is so much to make Munakata a good character. Future had a lot of potential and is amazing for a rewrite concept. As for Sakakura and Yukizome since this has gotten long feel free to ask for another round of this individually when asks are open again! If you read all of this somehow….TYSM

[yourlatitude]

indemnify. (ii)

Gaius find himself trapped in her eyes. She got into his head and all he wants is to hurt her like she did. But he couldn’t. Not when it cause him a greater pain for himself.

(18+ Trigger Warning. Explicit. Smut. Heavy one.)

The story is set long after the last war with Rheya and Gaius is confused with his purpose. The story may sounds disturbing, but that’s how Gaius and Lily-Rose functioning at first. They seeks justification and solace for their loved one.

(Bloodbound: Gaius Augustine x Lily-Rose Raines (OC))

PART I. PART II.

i.

She stares at her mother’s painting for an hour straight. If she opens her cap, everyone will start to look at her instead of the painting. Lily-Rose realized the resemblance between her and her mother is uncanny with a splash of her father here and there. Thank God her parents are gorgeous.

She usually visits this museum until late, waiting for a certain person to come and do what she’s doing right now. She saw him first in the history book. Then every time her mother touched her when she’s feeding. Then in her dreams. And last time was in her connected dream with her mother that turned her eyes permanently red. Blood red. Doing nothing to conceal her true nature as a vampire.

Not that she tried to hide. Humans and vampires live together in peace now, with a little of stupidities here and there of course. She can walk under the sun, somehow, and doing just fine with eating human food. So she never had the urge to hide. She was born past beyond those hardships era that her Godmother, Kamilah, often told her when she was a child.

Her senses tingling when she smells him. She quickly moves from her spot and let him have his usual spot. He is earlier than usual. Tall, dark-haired, piercing blue eyes, sharp jaw, and sharp structure of his face. He is sharp everywhere. Even his smell is too sharp to her liking.

Lily-Rose has been stalking him for a month. After endless dreams and nightmares with his face in it, she couldn’t take it anymore. She needs to find him.

Gaius Augustine stands in front of her mother’s painting as always. 30 minutes minimum. Just staring at her like he is praying to her. Lily-Rose doubt that he is praying to any God. Yet his eyes always looking at her mother as her mother is his religion. Well, her mother is some kind of Goddess to many vampires. Including her father.

But this man killed her. While she was just a lowly human. Helpless one. Why is he praying to her now? Is he praying to her face? To her strength?

Lily-Rose aches to touch him. To get inside his head. To find out how to hurt him like how he hurt his mother. The last connection she had with her mother almost killed Lily-Rose in the process. Her mother’s memory of him was too unbearable. She faced death too many times. And Lily-Rose could feel it too real. Like she is the one who’s being stabbed.

You know, her hair is actually not that wavy in real life? She said, finally ready to face him.

He said something then turn around. She walks closer to him, let him watch the face he worshipped turned into two.

Adora. He whispered enough for Lily-Rose to hear.

ii.

Every time they met, the fucked.

Not like Lily-Rose hates it. He had her body under his control. But his emotions? She got it right under her palm.The more they touched, the more she reads his mind. And the more confused she is.

He wants her. Did he got confused to think that she is her mother?

She feels his pleasure every time he hit his release, spilling into her. But she also feels his guilt and shame. Should she be sorry for him?

Fucking no. He killed her mother. Tortured her. Killing so many people. He deserves none of her sorry.

“I let you taste your own sin, Gaius. I make you do what you love the most.  Making sins.” Lily-Rose said what she always wanted to say.

And he lost control on top of her. Everything just spilled into her. His fear. His pleasure. His guilt. His shame. His anger. His jealousy. His desire.

He cried her name. Lily-Rose grips his back, crying on her own.

She wanted to hurt him, but little did she know that she is just her mother’s daughter. She feels his hurt when she stills in his head.

iii.

“You get what you want. Now leave me alone.” He said as he gets off from her.

Lily-Rose, spent and confused, staring at him unmoved as the male one get off from his bed and sit in the dark.

"You can fuck me. All you want. But never, never get into my head again." He hissed at her. She stops her sobbing and sits down, "I can't hurt you if I'm not inside your head."

"Well, congratulations. You just did. Does it make you feel better?" 

Betrayal. Too much betrayal in his stare.

"No. Shockingly no."

"I spent centuries, fucking centuries, having women inside my head. Controlling me. You aren't welcome inside. This?" He points to his head, "You can't have it." 

She can feel her hand trembles so hard. She never feels this way before except with her mom. He feels terrible in her touch. His mind is too... too much in her touch.

"What is this thing you feel inside your head, Gaius?" her question came as a whisper.

"Fuck! Just go! Just fucking go!" His words come out as a loud groan. Shockingly, she is not afraid. 

Pity. She feels pity.

Lily-Rose just stares at his blood-red eyes, unmoved. A second later, she is alone in his room. Gaius Augustine is nowhere to be found.

iv.

"I was born in sunny July. In the middle of somewhere in Italy. My birth was a shock, and unimaginable. My mother had to give up walking for 6 painful months with me inside her belly. I was feasting her inside her belly."

Fast pregnancy for too-fast growing fetus like her. She almost killed her mother.

After their last encounter, she couldn't find Gaius everywhere for 3 months. She couldn't smell him anywhere besides her own body. Now he is here, in the middle of nowhere in Barcelona.

"How the fuck you find me?" Gaius turned around. 

Her heart suddenly drops to his belly at his sight. Too much pain. It's too painful for him to look at her.

"Our minds were linked before. It took time, but I know how to spot you again." She said, walking closer and close their distance. She lifts her hand to his cheek, staring at those blue eyes for a sign of rejection before she places it on his cheek when he nods.

"Adora could find you?"

"Anywhere. She could find me anywhere."

He closes his eyes and she can instantly feel his emotions. Solace and fear. Which one is for her?

"I can feel Adora in your blood."

"Well, she is my mom?" Lily-Rose chuckles.

He opens his eyes, "I couldn't feel Adrian on you."

She sighs and pulls back her hand, "She fed me her blood. It's crucial to keep me alive and not turning into feral."

"Why don't they just kill you? I couldn't imagine Adrian will agree to see someone feeding on his Adora."

Gaius' word hit her hard.

After she was born, it took 2 years for her father to be able to hold her. The fear, the anxiety, and little hint of hatred filled those blue eyes for the first year of her life. Well, she almost killed the love of his life. She couldn’t blame him.

“I bet someone already had those ideas in their head, but mom wouldn’t let them.” She smiles. Gaius nods and pulls something out from his pocket.

A picture of her mother.

“This is the last solid piece of her that I have with me. You wanted to hurt me that badly? Here, take it.” He said as he offers the piece of paper into her hand. Lily-Rose stares at the picture. All it takes to hurt Gaius Augustine is Adora Raines. That’s why it’s so painful for him to look at her face.

Lily-Rose has her mother’s face.

Those brown eyes, sometimes turned red, full of compassion and love. The only pair of eyes that never looked at her like Lily-Rose is such an unimaginable thing. To her mother, Lily-Rose is just Lily-Rose. Her baby. Her little baby vampire.

She knows she is different as long as she remembered. Everyone has been having a very good job of reminding her. She wasn’t turned. She was conceived. Adrian Raines got her mother pregnant and voila, the most unimaginable thing popped up to be her.

“I was feeding on her for a long time. My body growing so slow. It took me 30 years to be fully grown, like an actual adult. Like this.” she said.

Gaius looks at her for a minute, eyes travels down from her head to her feet. “And you grow up to be beautiful.”

v.

They spent their time mostly together. Barcelona, Milan, Moscow, Warsaw, Cannes. Mostly tangled in the sheet together. They fucked and fucked. Cried and cried. She let him. And he let her.

The touch of his skin and his emotion on her palms become too addictive to her. He always had new emotions with him every time they fuck. How can he handle that much emotions in one time?

Lily-Rose never tried to get inside his head again. Hurting him means hurting her. Hurting him means involving her mother. And she doesn’t want it. When his cock is inside her and it’s her name that he screamed through the night, she doesn’t want any other female hurting him in his head. No one but her.

“Do you have to touch someone to get inside their head?” He asked one night after their intimate session. Lily-Rose nods, “I couldn’t get into their head without touching like my mother did.”

“Is it painful? To have your power?”

For a second she sees worried in his eyes. “No when they are not hurting. Yes when they are hurting. But mostly I don’t really care about everyone’s pain. Just several people.”

Gaius holds her hand, kisses it before place it on his forehead. A second later, Lily-Rose bursts into tears. The loudest cry she ever cried. The hardest cry she ever made. Her sobs are chocking her painfully. Blood red eyes blazing through in the middle of New York’s midnight.

“Am I hurting you, Lily-Rose?” Gaius whispers as he kisses her tears.

vi.

She told him about her dreams. The one that took her brown eyes. And all other dreams about him inside. In exchange, he told her about his past from his point of view. None like the one written in history books.

They travel together in daylight. Even with his anti-sunshine technology, it still drained him a lot. Gaius still mesmerized by the fact that Lily-Rose doesn’t get affected by the sun. They walk by day and fuck by night.

After long fuck, drained and satisfied with their marks on each other, they just lay down and talk. About her world and his world.

Lily-Rose could feel a little less shame and guilt in his eyes. In exchange, she feels devotion and fear. But she doesn't complain as she feels that in her too. Maybe they linked their minds too strong. Maybe they fucked too much. She just doesn't care.

Gaius sees less of Adora in her. She just looks like Lily-Rose now. Maybe he realized too much Adrian's features on her face or maybe he had too much of her smell around him to think about anyone else.

They walk around, finding someone in need. She is a doctor. Sometimes she is Dr. Lily, sometimes she is Dr. Adrienne, and sometimes she is Dr. Anna. They changed their names in every place they visit. Only at night, they call themselves their real names. An endearment of intimacy.

Her mother knows. Adora knows that Gaius is fucking her daughter.

Once they accidentally met on a busy road in Berlin. It surprised him that he couldn't even realize her sooner. Gaius was too busy picking oranges for Lily-Rose when he saw her. Across the road, holding Adrian's hand. 4 of them exchanged glances for a minute before Adora and Adrian suddenly gone in the middle of the ocean of people.

"She said I smell like you." Lily-Rose chuckled as she sniffed herself.

He won't complain.

"What are you thinking?"

She whispers, stirring in her sleep before opening her eyes. Blood red eyes.

"Why don't you find out?" Gaius asked.

"You know I promised I won't get into your head unless it's urgent."

She did promise it.

The moonlight making her eyes glow more than usual. If he has to drown in blood, her eyes are the only blood he wants.

"It's okay. I give you permission. You won't hurt me." he guides her hand to his forehead and closes his eyes. A couple of minutes passed, and he opened his eyes to find her sobbing.

"What are you doing to me, Gaius?" She sobs.

"It will take longer than you could imagine, but please don't hurt me again. If you leave, it will be the greatest pain for me."

Her eyes glow in desperation. Yearning.

"I don't want to hurt you no more."

Gaius pulls her face to his, "Then stay with me."

God, whichever that is, finally granted his wish. 

After 3 years of yearning, she kisses him.

They find what they looking for.

Solace. Purpose. Justification. Chance. Acceptance. Forgiveness.

[bitchynaruto]

Hey, not exactly related to ur fic maybe but I saw ur post about naruto being obsessed with sasuke as a manifestation of his trauma( I saw it the same way too). Do u then think it's like a character flaw that is never actually addressed? Like later on obvio he gets a broader justification as in Indra/Ashura reconciliation being imperative to world peace but if we take out the sog6 path folklore it becomes a repurcussion of his emotional issues. In that light what do u think if a fic where (1/2)

he learns that to "let go" would be a healthier alternative to his growth? In that light him being rewarded w what he wants(sasuke acknowledging him)leaves his issues unaddressed? This is a naruto centric ask like mostly abt his saviour complex/emotional codependency/acknowledgement complex if he isn't a messiah( if u take away the mythological folkore). Sorry if it comes across as stupid if u don't want to answer u can ugnore it( end).

thats a good question because its one that ive been rolling around in my brain, bc in the fuck konoha series i havent like fully comitted to them being reincarnated (even tho i love that trope lol). BUT ITS DEF NOT BORING TO ME AT ALL LOL. i mean part of the reason i started fuck konoha series is because of his unacknowledged flaws along with becoming a bootlicker 

anyway, the short of this answer is i definitely think naruto’s savior/acknowledgement complex and his codependency for sasuke are flaws that are masked as positive traits in the writing! this is one of those situations where the author’s intent/background is imperative to why these choices were made and the direction of the storytelling went the way it did.

my naruto essay is under the cut for further rambling on this subject cause idk how to shut up:

with a well rounded character , a character’s traits can easily be a positive or a negative. for example, naruto’s loyalty is considered generally positive, but the loyalty to the village is less admirable and more negative, considering we know how shitty the village is. his want to save sasuke is noble, until it gets to the point where he’s allowing himself to be a martyr, offering himself to be beat up by karui and sasuke bc hes the only one who can bear the pain and hatred of those two respectively. its the same with sasuke too, his determination is admirable because we can see his hard work, whether it be training or saving a comrade, but it becomes negative when it turns into tunnel vision and he doesnt care who he hurts in the aspect of his goal. its what i love about them, how their flaws and positive traits are really from the same source 

so in canon naruto’s issues regarding the big three as you said, his saviour complex/emotional codependency/acknowledgement complex, is addressed but in the terms of the narrative... it is actually considered positive traits of his. it’s why they’re briefly addressed following the pein invasion, but when it comes to a head at the waterfall of truth scene... naruto swallows it down and instead chooses to consider these things as what the village admires and expects of him.

the positive traits of a hero for konoha AND for naruto and co.:

the village is your home. protect the village over your own blood, bonds, and everything else.

not following the rules makes you scum, but abandoning your friends are worse than scum.

conforming to the village despite its atrocities > rebelling against the village

(abandoning friends is what will lead you into danzo territory, the other 2 is what lands sasuke in villain territory)

but that’s where kishi writes himself into an oxymoron with his themes, and why naruto’s character takes a turn for the worse after the waterfall of truth.

now his choice to continue being the village’s savior is in his own way of ‘letting go’ of all the pain and resentment and hatred he has for the village is seen as a positive trait and positive action, especially when you compare sasuke’s want vengeance and retribution for his clan. sasuke’s set up to be the antagonist, the opposite of naruto. if sasuke hates, naruto forgives. where sasuke refuses to forget, naruto insists on him AND sasuke ignoring their pain for the sake of the village (i.e. the greater good). 

the thing is... at a narrative standpoint, i understand why naruto makes this choice. its not really surprising. honestly narutos choice of swallowing his anger for the sake of the village or rejecting the village and following a path more similar to sasuke had both been set up in regards to kishi’s writing

to anyone with a brain and who isnt a nationalist, we actually see narutos choices as kinda horrific and impeding on his mental health. we see these as flaws, naturally. but to kishi, naruto’s choice is the ultimate one of sacrifice and heroism. turning the other cheek. it’s why sasuke’s redemption includes him allowing for naruto, kakashi, and the rest of the konoha to bury the truth of the uchiha massacre, for the sake of the village. a parallel to naruto accepting what the village has done to him for the sake of the village.

naruto is the hero, so he must forgive. sasuke is the villain, so he wants revenge. where sasuke cuts off bonds, naruto chases after him at the expense of himself. sasuke, according to the series, is selfish, whereas naruto is selfless. ultimately as a protagonist, naruto is given a choice between saving the village and saving sasuke. kishi lets naruto get out of that choice by allowing him to choose the village and sasuke

(which, ultimately, is seen as good. considering sasuke’s the ‘villain’, hes the one whos going to suffer from this decision i.e. no justice for his clan, not naruto, who gets to become hokage and have his best friend back)

so kishi’s plan is just to ignore the acknowledgement issues as a flaw and instead of like... growing past the need for acknowledgement, he gives naruto the acknowledgement from the villagers as a reward for his heroism. instead of dealing with the savior complex, he writes naruto as a messiah, so of course hes going to be self sacrificing for the sake of others! instead of dealing with narutos codependency and how  that negatively affects not only him, but sasuke (not in the way most sasuke stans say, i.e. not thinking of sasuke as a person. wanting to control him, etc. but in the way of.. sasuke give up your anger like me and return to the village, lets move on together), sasuke gives into the forgetting and forgiving aspect naruto falls into in the waterfall of truth. 

anyway tldr; to answer your question i definitely think these are flaws that are never addressed but instead are disguised as narutos positive aspects in regards to the narrative and direction kishi went in. allowing naruto to grow past these would’ve made a more compelling and less depressing arc than the one we got. but ultimately it falls into kishis themes of the village > everything

[ithinkimlosingmymind3]

im in 10th grade and ive never really experienced racism or interacted with karens in a way that ive seen in social media or the way my parents did.

but looking back, i did come across comments that i never really payed attention to until now and there are some that i don’t remember but my parents do. It bothers me that black and brown children go through things like this their whole lives. They may not remember or understand the things that occur earlier in their lives but their parents do remember and carry the burden knowing that as their children get older these comments and actions will be noticed and they’ll never have the bliss of being ignorant of them again

 in middle school there’s this girl in my grade who i’ve know since elementary school, let’s call her Loe, who is a cancer survivor and i never really talked to her until  when we were in eighth grade b/c we had some classes together and she kind of joined my friend group.

i mention the cancer thing cause she liked to bring it up a lot and i respected her strength and what she went through. but i think that b/c of that she was really spoiled by adults and staff, and she turned into an asshole and really judgmental. I think that Loe brings it up too much and uses it for attention or for justification. Honestly i think that shes a karen in the making

one day in 8th i was in the auditorium talking about my sister who was in sixth grade and Loe was there. She called out to this random girl a few rows ahead of us and attracted a lot of attention.

in my school if you get there before a certain time, 7th and 8th graders sit in the auditorium and 6th graders sit in the cafeteria.

it bothered me b/c my mom likes to joke the my sister and i make up 1/2 of the black kids in the school which is an exaggeration but there are very little black kids in school.

So my take from this is that she just automatically assumed that this black girl that just so happened to be ahead us was my sister. she didn’t even ask first she just called out my sister’s name to this random person and expected to be right.

which is weird b/c im pretty sure that if it was anyone else, she wouldn’t have done that.

another time in 9th grade i had gotten my hair done and i had red hair. i don’t dye my hair but rather i get colored hair to be braided in, but i dont really share that. obviously if im in your class or your my friend you probably realize that maybe its not always my own hair but you don’t really mention it.

i like getting complimented about my hair b/c it one of my favorite features b/c i have control over it most of the time. but Loe didn’t say “oh, i like your hair”, “your hair looks nice” or “ i like what you’ve done with your hair”,

she actually said “nice extensions”.

idk why she said that. it made me kind of embarrassed especially since she yelled it across the hallway during passing. i’ve never called anyone out like that and ive never had anyone call me out like that. if someone is wearing a wig you go “i like your hair.” you don’t go “nice wig” unless your trying to be condescending.

even if she didn’t mean it that way, that’s how i heard it.

since these things have happened we’ve been paying more attention to  things she’s said and how she treats other people. She still sits with us a lunch though.

she’s mentioned that she’s a trump supporter. we’ve noticed that she’s made racist comments. My other friend really likes k-pop and Loe has made really harsh comments about it even though it doesn’t really affect her cause she’s not listening to it. She’s been making xenophobic comments or homophobic comments.

 im sort of glad that we’re in quarantine b/c it means that i won’t have to worry about interacting w/ her. A lot of the of things she’s said hurt my feelings and bother me b/c i thought of her as a friend and when other people said that she was kinda of rude and stuff i gave her the benefit of the doubt.

i know that maybe these seem very mild compared to other things people may say, but it has stuck with and make me feel a certain way.

[spacebrick3]

WHG Final: Snow

Welcome to Snow’s final installment in the Writeblr Hunger Games, featuring some (reasonable) assumptions and a reunion with @ratracechronicler​‘s Begonia Rex! (and mentions of @concealeddarkness13​‘s Leanda!)

Her consciousness returns like the drip of an IV, in steady drops of awareness filtering the fog from her mind. It’s still nighttime, branches silhouetted against the moonlight as she stares upwards, the grass cold on her back. She presses a hand to her head, feeling for the bruise where Nyr had knocked her out. Should probably get that checked out, she thinks groggily as she pushes herself up to one elbow. Could be a concussion…

The area seems deserted. “Hello?” she whispers quietly, vision blurring slightly as she stands. “Hello? Is anyone there?”

But the only sound that reaches her ears is the faint rustling of leaves, the chirping of insects in the dark. The clearing is surrounded by flowers, which she dimly recognizes from her books shouldn’t all be growing there—in the wrong place, and in the wrong time. “Anybody?” she calls out, louder this time. “Am I still in the Arena?” Silence. “Where am I?”

There were stories, which she’d never put much stock in, that when you died there was still a journey left to take. That you woke up on one side of a great obstacle and had to find your own way to the judgment that awaited you. If indeed you ever found it. The priest she’d spoken to during that slow afternoon in the hospital, recovering from a kidney infection, had told her that everyone’s trial was different—some found themselves on one side of an impassable desert and others at the bottom of unclimbable mountains. 

And some, she thinks, find themselves back in the Games. Trapped in an inescapable Arena with nowhere to go. What’s my judgment going to be?

No. Nyr had refused to kill her. Hadn’t she?

But if she was still alive, if this was all part of some grand conspiracy to escape the Games, then why was she still in the Arena? Nyr had said that they were evacuating the other tributes, ensuring they made their way home—and this isn’t home. Nowhere close. Instead, the forest of the Arena closes in around her, dark and impenetrable, lit from above in ethereal, silvery light.

She makes her way along a small path, towards the faint sounds of a river. A figure kneels next to the bank, tending gently to a small plant, a half-empty flask of water sitting beside him. A familiar streak of red runs through his hair, and she feels her shoulders slump. “So you’re here too,” she says quietly.

He turns, a grin spreading across his face. “Snow! You made it! I said I was going to run into you again, didn’t I?” he says cheerfully, his last remark seemingly addressed to the flower.

Not quite the reaction she expected—but then, it is Begonia. “Shame it has to be like this.”

He frowns. “What are you talking about? We made it out of the Games, both of us. I don’t think you or I were trying to win, so isn’t this just what we were hoping for?”

“No! You’re dead, and if you’re dead and we’re here then I must be dead too…” Saying it makes it real, solidifies it from a half-formed nightmare into what feels like a tsunami, deep and cold and trying to pull her under. “And—I know what I told Nyr, but I didn’t really—I wasn’t thinking it would be like this-“

“I’m not dead.”

“What?”

“I mean, I’m pretty sure I’m not dead. I know I’ve been sort of pretending to be, but I’m not, and I don’t think you are either.” He offers another smile, motioning for her to sit next to him, a gesture which she hesitantly accepts. “Did Nyr not tell you? About how we’re trying to help all the tributes make it out alive?”

She holds up her hands, trying to make sense of it all. “No. Yes. She told me, but what are we still doing here?”

“Oh, it’s a project Leanda and I have been working on,” he says excitedly. “She has all the video footage, but I’m sure if we asked I could get some to show to you. A sort-of mock nature documentary of all the plants the Capitol brought here. A way to show off all of the living there is in the Arena, not just the killing.”

And there it is. She takes a breath, staring at the light reflected in the water. “I—I killed someone. Threw away my oath and killed someone. Harker, her name was. District 7.”

He doesn’t say anything for a second. She had expected him to be angry, somehow, or even just distant. After all, he had trusted her, that very first night, with reassurance that the Games would never turn her into a killer, and she had betrayed that. She had built him a memorial, to show to the Gamemakers that there was still something human left in the Arena, and discarded that just as easily. Instead, he merely asks “What happened?”

It’s easy to talk, for she sees it every time she closes her eyes. “I…it seemed like there was nothing left to do. Nothing left to fight for except what the Games told us to—and so I did. The Feast happened, and she must have been poisoned, and it was killing her. So I killed her—but it wasn’t to be kind, to end the pain,” she says, cutting off his response. “I wish it was, but it wasn’t. I was scared, and it felt like there was nothing I could do, and none of that is justification…”

“It’s not justification. It’s the Games.”

“I—don’t understand. It might have been the Games, but I was still the one who-“

“No.” There’s an edge to his voice that she’s never heard before. “Don’t think that way, Snow. Maybe I am just the plant guy, but—here, look,” he says, turning back to the flower he’d been nursing. Its brilliant red leaves are stained with brown and black, visibly sagging, a petal falling to the ground. “Sarcodes sanguinea, from the mountain ranges. It’s dying. It was never meant to survive here.”

“So what?”

His gaze is earnest and almost pleading. “We’re not meant to survive here either. They tell us that, from the very start. For everything that’s living here, that we’re trying to show off just to make the Capitol stew, there’s five that aren’t because of their efforts. Like Sarcodes here—no chlorophyll. Without the fungus, it physically can’t keep going. Are you going to blame it because it doesn’t have the resources it needs?”

The metaphor might be a touch heavy-handed, but she still allows herself a small smile. “No. That’s…that’s one of the first rules of the ER. No questions besides the necessary ones, and no blame. It doesn’t matter why they’re hurt, why they’re sick. Just that we can help.” She speaks as a doctor for the first time in days, and—to her surprise—finds herself believing it. 

“Exactly! Now, I think we could probably make space for you in the documentary—Clearly-Not-Snow, or maybe Artificial Snow…”

She shakes her head. “I’m sorry, but…I can’t. I can’t stay here any longer. I need to be done with fighting, done with the Capitol and the Districts for-“ She hesitates, checking for a watch left back in District 8- “well, I don’t know how long.”

“You’re leaving,” he says.

“Yes,” she says sadly. “I don’t know where. Somewhere far away. But you said you worked outside Panem, too, right? Outside the Districts, on the very edge of the border? Who knows, maybe once this is all over—if it’s ever all over—we’ll see each other again there. Can only be so many people roaming the outskirts.”

He laughs. “You’d be surprised. I don’t have anything to give you right now, except good luck, so I’ll give you that.”

“Thank you.” Snow moves to go, then stops, looking back. “Really. Thank you. I don’t think I’d have made it through the Games—or after them, even—without you.”

[marshmallow-the-vampire-slayer]

MTVS Epic Rewatch #208

Don’t forget to vote on the season 7 polls!!

BTVS 7x21 End of Days

Stray thoughts

1) So this is how Faith is doing as the leader…

…and this is how Buffy is doing as the outcast Slayer…

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I wonder who’s the boss… (maybe we should ask Abed.)

2) I don’t like seeing Faith hurt, but I do get a very sick (I admit it) satisfaction at seeing all these girls hurt and scared because they kicked Buffy out and they screwed everything up in the worst possible fashion. I know that by having Faith lead them into yet another trap the writers were trying to prove the point that what happened at the vineyard could’ve happened to anyone and that it wasn’t Buffy’s fault (Buffy will make this same point herself later on the episode.) Both Buffy and Faith were trying to do what they thought was best, yet it backfired. Shit happens yada yada yada. Yet I just can’t help but feel personally vindicated when I see Faith and the potentials fuck everything up so spectacularly.

On the other hand, not only was Buffy able to pull herself together after the group (and her friends! Her family!) kicked her out and made her feel like the worst piece of shit in the whole world, but she also managed to A) get the scythe and B) make Caleb nervous, which was a first. So yeah. #teamBuffy

3) So why exactly were the Scoobies looking for Buffy? I mean, didn’t they kick her out literally the day before? And now they’re suddenly worried about her or something? The only person who followed Buffy after they all kicked her out was Faith. Faith! Do you see how wrong/ironic that this? Do you see how painful it must’ve been for Buffy not to have NONE OF HER FRIENDS – not Xander, not Willow, not Giles, not even her own sister! – go after her to see if she was okay? To ask her where she was going or what she was going to do? The only person who showed any concern whatsoever about her was probably the only person she would’ve labeled a potential enemy. 

Damn you all, I’m still pissed off. I hate this. I hate having to feel this way about the characters I’ve loved for seven seasons in the FINAL EPISODES OF THE SHOW. It just feels so wrong, but I can’t help but HATE THEM. What the hell was this fucking writing choice? I hate it. I hate everything about it.

4) If I have to say something in favor of Kennedy is this, when shit hit the fan, she was the only one who wasn’t screaming like a moron and who was actually trying to fight off the Turok-Han. So yeah. The girl got spunk.

5) But she’s nothing compared to our designated BAMF.

6) No one is kicking Buffy out now, HUH? HUH???????????????????

7)

Yes. Yes, you did.

8) And this is exactly why they shouldn’t have kicked her out or “rebelled” against her or whatever the fuck they thought they were doing.

BUFFY You guys, it was a trap. It's not her fault. That could've just as easily happened to me.

9) While I do appreciate the pun and the side glances between Buffy and Willow…

I still feel it’s very wrong they’re all just talking and Giles is playing around with the scythe as if the last time they’d been together they HADN’T HUMILIATED BUFFY AND KICKED HER OUT OF HER OWN FUCKING HOUSE???? LIKE SERIOUSLY??? In Willow’s own words, you're not gonna jokey-rhyme your way out of this one.

Like, I know the apocalypse takes precedence, but maybe say “sorry for kicking you out” and “thank you for saving us AGAIN”.

10)

11) Again, I get the same feeling with Xander. Like, did they all suddenly forget they had left Buffy alone and kicked her out of her own house? Xander is all like, “I don’t need you to protect me just because I lost an eye” but literally a day before he was telling her it was HER fault he’d lost it, and using that as a justification not only for removing her from her role as a leader but also TO KICK HER OUT OF HER OWN HOUSE. And now it’s just like nothing ever happened? How is that possible? How is literally no one apologizing to Buffy? And not only is he not apologizing, but Buffy is telling him that he’s her heart and the reason she’s still alive, which okay, it’s all kind of true, but he’s also the guy WHO BLAMED YOU FOR LOSING HIS EYE AND WHO KICKED YOU OUT OF YOUR OWN HOUSE THE DAY BEFORE?!

I didn’t know that End of Days could make me as angry as Empty Places but here I am.

We’re 14 minutes into the episode and still, no one has apologized to Buffy and they’re all pretending like they didn’t turn their backs on her and it’s pissing me off. I hate feeling this way in the episode prior to the series finale. This is not how a fan should be feeling right before the show ends!

12) Not only do I know what a glottal stop is but I’ve also learned how to pronounce it. Or at least I was able to pronounce it a few years ago. 

13) And hence the fate of Miss Kitty Fantastico was finally revealed…

DAWN Xander, my crossbow is not out here. I told you, I don't leave crossbows around all willy-nilly. Not since that time with Miss Kitty Fantastico.

If you must hate Dawn, it should only be for this.

14) Did anyone really believe Xander would hurt Dawn?

15) What was the point of this scene…?

…I mean, other than to give us Nathan Fillion’s orgasm face?

16) And this is the difference between Buffy and the rest… just remember how everyone reacted and treated Buffy after the vineyard, and see how she acts here after literally the same happened with Faith in charge…

FAITH What do you want me to say? I blew it.

BUFFY You didn't blow it.

FAITH Tell that to—

BUFFY People die. You lead them into battle, they're gonna die. It doesn't matter how ready you are or how smart you are. War is about death. Needless, stupid death.

She’s understanding and reassuring, she’s not pointing fingers or kicking people out. And that’s why she’s a hero and the rest are a fucking bunch of morons. I’m sorry, I’m still so angry about Empty Places and this episode is not making things any better.

17) But I do love when my two slayers see eye to eye…

FAITH So, here's the laugh riot. My whole life I've been a loner.(…) No ties, no buddies, no relationships that lasted longer than... (…) Me, by myself all the time. I'm looking at you, everything you have, and, I don't know, jealous. Then there I am. Everybody's looking to me, trusting me to lead them, and I've never felt so alone in my entire life.

BUFFY Yeah.

FAITH And that's you every day, isn't it?

BUFFY I love my friends. I'm very grateful for them. But that's the price. Being a slayer.

FAITH There's only supposed to be one. Maybe that's why you and I can never get along. We're not supposed to exist together.

BUFFY Also, you went evil and were killing people.

FAITH Good point. Also a factor.

BUFFY But you're right. I mean, I... I guess everyone's alone. But being a slayer? There's a burden we can't share.

FAITH And no one else can feel it. Thank God we're hot chicks with superpowers.

BUFFY Takes the edge off.

FAITH Comforting.

BUFFY Mm-hmm.

This is something that had been a long time coming. Since day one, Faith had envied Buffy. Just like Buffy saw in Faith her road not taken, Faith saw in Buffy the life she could’ve had but didn’t. She envied it and she wanted it for herself. She literally tried to steal it away several times. So if she couldn’t have it, if it wasn’t meant for her, then she could take Buffy away from it, drive her to the dark side, where she lived. Every attempt was futile, even stealing Buffy’s body and literally taking her life. It only made her feel more undeserving, more inadequate, more unworthy. But every time she’d taken a shot at being the leader, it was by playing tricks, by taking what it wasn’t rightfully hers. This time around, she had somehow earned it. There was no foul play on her part. Others made the decision for her and gave her the role she’d craved for so long. And she finally understood that it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. Yes, Buffy did have friends and people who looked up to her and cared about her. But when push comes to shove, when tough calls must be made, the Slayer is always alone. The weight of the world is only on her shoulders, and she can’t share the burden. It took four seasons but Faith finally got it. And she could finally let go of all the envy and jealousy.

18) I just love the fact that for the first time Buffy is the one who opens up to Spike. She’s always been the one who pretends there’s nothing between them and who skirts around her feelings and dismisses his. But not this time. And for me, it was enough that she acknowledged that it meant something, even if they – and we – don’t know exactly what that was.

BUFFY You're a dope.

SPIKE I'm a what?

BUFFY You're a dope. And a bonehead. And you're shirty.

SPIKE Have you gone completely carrot-top?

BUFFY Do you see this? This may actually help me fight my war. This might be the key to everything. And the reason I'm holding it is because of you. Because of the strength that you gave me last night. Look, I am tired of defensiveness and weird, mixed signals. You know, I have Faith for that. Let's just get to the truth here, OK? I don't know how you felt about last night, but I will not—

SPIKE Terrified.

BUFFY Of what?

SPIKE Last night was... God, I'm such a jerk. I can't do this.

BUFFY Spike...

SPIKE It was the best night of my life. If you poke fun at me, you bloody well better use that, 'cause I couldn't bear it. It may not mean that much to you, but—

BUFFY I just told you it did.

SPIKE Yeah... I hear you say it, but... I've lived for soddin' ever, Buffy. I've done everything. Done things with you I can't spell, but... I've never... been close... to anyone. Least of all, you. 'Til last night. All I did was... hold you, watch you sleep. And it was the best night of my life. So, yeah... I'm... terrified.

BUFFY You don't have to be.

SPIKE Were you there with me?

BUFFY I was.

SPIKE What does that mean?

BUFFY I don't know. Does it have to mean something?

SPIKE No. Not right now.

19) Update: 29 minutes in and I’m still waiting for someone to apologize to Buffy.

20) Am I the only who thinks this speech is okay but like, the writers were trying too hard to give Anya her “Anya Speech Moment” of the season and it kind of feels a bit, I don’t know, forced?

ANYA Well...I guess I was...kinda new to bein' around humans before. But now I've... seen a lot more, gotten to know people... seen what they're capable of, and... I guess I just realized...how amazingly screwed-up they all are. I mean really, really screwed-up in a monumental fashion. And they have no purpose that unites them, so they just drift around, blundering through life until they die...which they...they know is coming, yet every single one of them is surprised when it happens to them. They're incapable of thinking about what they want beyond the moment. They kill each other, which is clearly insane. And yet, here's the thing. When it's something that really matters, they fight. I mean, they're lame morons for fighting, but they do. They never... never quit. So I guess I will keep fighting, too.

21) #priorities

22) And in another episode of Plots Totally Pulled Out of the Writer’s Ass… (a.k.a. Joss Whedon Tries to Rectify the Fact that He Wrote a Bunch of Men Violating the Original Slayer by Putting a Demon Inside of Her and Thus Utterly Destroyed the Whole Slayerness Equals Feminism Theme)

WOMAN We forged it in secrecy and kept it hidden from the Shadow Men, who...

BUFFY Yeah. Met those guys. Didn't really care too much for 'em.

WOMAN Ahh, yes. Then you know. And they became the watchers. And the watchers watched the slayers. But we were watching them.

BUFFY Oh! So you're like... what are you?

WOMAN Guardians. Women who want to help and protect you. We forged this centuries ago, halfway around the world.

Okay, I get it, I get what you were trying to do, but it was so fucking obvious, it was so transparent. Like, I know most of the so-called metaphors in this show were not so subtle (think the fucking monster-penis in Doublemeat Palace, for instance.) But the feminist struggle in the slayer vs the council struggle was always something that I personally enjoyed. And this is how Joss’s brand of “feminism” began to crumble down, in my opinion. This is what a white dude who is a self-proclaimed feminist believes to be a Good feminist storyline, but it’s so clichéd and self-evident it's almost cringe-worthy. Like, you get a bunch of Evil Men quite literally raping a Poor Woman, who is faked Empowered (her powers were lent to her by the Evil Men and the source of her powers is Evil, Demonic in nature because  duh! she is a Woman)  so that they can Manipulate her and Use her for the benefit of the Patriarchy. But oh wait! This is a Feminist Show! So in spite of what the Evil Men who were supposedly the Powerful ones did, there always were These Great and Powerful Women behind it all, the True Guardians of the Slayer, This has been a Matriarchy all along, you see?! PLOT TWIST!

Yawn.

The worst part? I can imagine all the writers patting themselves on the back for writing such a groundbreaking and Feminist storyline and for sticking it to the Men.

23) And btw, just to show you how big a Feminist Show this is, we get this…

I guess since this is a Feminist Show and Angel is the hero here and Buffy the damsel in distress, that makes Angel a woman, right?

But hey, at least he (or she?) literally let Buffy deliver the lethal blow…

24) And yes, this totally makes sense!

because Angel has not claimed to be in love with Cordelia and Buffy has not just had her more honest heart-toheart with Spike. Let’s just disregard whatever arcs have been developed in both shows in order to deliver a Ship Moment for the Bangel fans, right? Who cares about character development, right? Because I’m positive this is what former lovers do after not seeing each other in over a year, being currently emotionally unavailable, and facing the greatest evil of all. Suck face.

25) Update: minute 42 and I’m STILL waiting for someone to apologize to Buffy.

26) Sorry for the bitter rant! 

27)  If you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi. Thanks!

[patriotsnet]

What Does The Bible Say About Republicans

New Post has been published on https://www.patriotsnet.com/what-does-the-bible-say-about-republicans/

What Does The Bible Say About Republicans

What Does God Say About Democrats

What Does the Bible Say About 2016 Election – Hidden Secrets Revealed – Republican vs Democrat

Sharing the Gospel of Jesus Christ and Saving America

Steven Andrew is leading the nation to reaffirm covenant that the USA follows Jesus Christ. The Bible teaches covenant is the most important action to save lives, restore safety, strengthen the church, and raise godly generations.

testimonials

Michael

I know of no one doing everything they can to help our nation to turn away from wickedness and sin, and turn back to God, like Steven Andrew.;

Craig

Giving to USA Christian Church is the most powerful way to support God’s will for the nation and defend Christianity.

The USA is in a national emergency. Our only hope is to surrender our lives and the nation to God and agree to obey the Lord. We have hope. It is not too late to find Gods mercy. Steven Andrew

People are very concerned. The news shows the USA is in a freedon verses tyranny national emergency. It could even be a life verses death crisis if the nation goes into captivity as happened to Israel and Judhae for their sins. If we want to honor God and have God bless our lives and nation, it is important we know: What does the Bible teach about Democrats?

I am Steven Andrew, the pastor who believes like the founding fathers. I am on a mission from God

Pray

Is the Bible your final authority or do you go by your feelings and own ways?This is Gods opinion, not mine.

For protection and national security, the nation needs to see Democrats hearts the way God does.my This is Gods opinion not my opinion.

Grist Is The Only Nonprofit Newsroom Focused On Exploring Solutions At The Intersection Of Climate And Justice

Our team of journalists remains dedicated to telling stories of climate, justice, and solutions. We aim to inspire more people to talk about climate change and to believe that meaningful change is not only possible but happening right now.;Our in-depth approach to solutions-based journalism takes time and proactive planning, which is why Grist depends on reader support.

This September, become a monthly donor, and your entire yearly amount will be matched. Grist hopes to welcome 200 new monthly members by September 30, and were closing in on our goal! Help us further advance our reporting by giving us the stable, reliable funding we need. Consider becoming a Grist member today to ensure this important work continues and thrives.

Bible Verses Violated By The Republican Party

Please note this article is not another case of a Democrat insulting the Republican party and their religious members.; I dont like either political party and Ive lost hope in the current political system until major changes are made.

While Ive lost most; interest in national politics,; some things still catch my eye. But what bothers me the most, and always gets my attention, is when a politician campaigns on a the premise that their allegiance to their God makes them a better person than the other candidate. Fast forward a few months after their election and there they are obstructing ethical legislation; for their constituents only to make their donors happy.

If a politicians; adherence to the Bible is what makes them a good person and good elected official, what do they become when they no longer adhere to the Bible?

You can understand why I feel my arguments made here are sound: The voting and campaign records of Congress are widely-available public records, and since 7 out of the 10 Bible verses I used are from either Matthew, Mark, Luke or John, meaning that 70% of this is literally the Gospel truth

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James : 19 Niv: Everyone Should Be Quick To Listen Slow To Speak And Slow To Become Angry

Well THAT’S a big red flag if I ever saw one. Any of the above points show that Donald Trump does not have a reasonable filter. Whatever comes to mind comes straight out of his mouth, especially when he gets angry. If our president acts out in anger, we are going to have a lot of issues on our hands. Can you imagine how he would converse with other world leaders? What would he do if they insulted our government, or heaven forbid, Trump’s hand size? How would he react to negative criticism from countries we very much need to remain on good terms with? Not only is this dangerous, it also gives more reason for people not to respect America. It would say a lot about us if our leader had the same temperament as a two-year old in a time out. A true God following leader would participate in rational discussion, in which all sides are heard and acknowledged.

I’m not trying to tell anybody that Hilary is the Christian candidate we’re looking for. In fact, I don’t even believe we need a Christian candidate at all. This is America, where anybody of any race or religion can do the job. What I am trying to say, is that if you think Donald Trump is your closest bet to having a Christian in office, you’re making the wrong choice.

Your choice matters. Choose wisely.

Abortion Is An Integral Part Of The Vaccine Industry

For you created my inmost being;;you knit me together;in my mothers womb.;Psalm 139:13

The Bible makes clear that life begins at conception. It says that every child is a gift from God . If Jesus were here today, I am not sure if He would be carrying a sign, but we can agree He would be pro-life.

Many are surprised to find that in fact, vaccines do contain;aborted fetal tissue,;including lung and kidney tissue.

This is because scientists grow live vaccines in living tissue. You can find aborted fetal tissue in 23 total vaccines, including:

MMR

Read Also: We Are All Republicansâwe Are All Federalists

Gop Lawmaker: The Bible Says If A Man Will Not Work He Shall Not Eat

This storys headline;has been corrected. A quote from Rep. Jodey Arringtons remarks at a congressional hearing has also been added.

One lawmaker is citing a godly reference to; justify changes to the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program: Rep. Jodey Arrington recently quoted the New Testament to question the strength of current work requirements.

The biblical passage, 2 Thessalonians 3-10, was a rebuttal to one of the hearings expert witnesses, a representative of the Jewish anti-hunger group MAZON. It is also a familiar refrain to anyone who has watched past debates about SNAP.

House Republicans have historically cited the verse if a man will not work, he shall not eat as justification for cutting some adults SNAP benefits. Arrington referenced the verse in a discussion;about increasing the work requirements for unemployed adults on the food stamp program. But critics say that;advances;a pernicious myth about the unemployed who receive SNAP.

The verse in question applies specifically to people who can work or otherwise contribute to society but choose not to, said theologians from several denominations who spoke to The Post. There is a perception, among some voters and lawmakers, that many adult SNAP recipients are exactly this sort of freeloader.

More from Wonkblog:

James : 26 Esv: If Anyone Thinks He Is Religious And Does Not Bridle His Tongue But Deceives His Heart This Person’s Religion Is Worthless

Wow. That was blunt. I commonly hear people say that they like Donald Trump because, “He speaks his mind.” There is a monumental difference between speaking your mind, and throwing words about without caution. The things that Donald Trump has used his platform to say should not only shock you; they should offend you. His words are rash, prejudiced, and hurtful. You don’t believe me? Here are some examples:

“You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of a**.”

“My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has well been documented, are various other parts of my body.”

Now I don’t know about you, but this doesn’t sound like the kind of man who has proper control over his tongue to me. Words are some of the greatest indicators of who we are. The president of our country should be able to possess certain qualities, such as engaging in foreign affairs without flying off the handle. Not only is this concerning to our national security, it is also a warning sign of poor character.

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Looking For Some More Related Articles

Take a look at these other similar type articles:

Robert

Great article Jack,Sure a lot of good points you brought up. A lot to ponder as an election grows near.

It seems like the people who get elected reflect the sentiment of the nation. If we are concerned with the economy, we vote for the people we think will fix it. If we are concerned with moral issues, we vote for those we think care about what we care about.

This may also be a way in which God judges, or blesses, a nation. As the individuals of a nation move further from God, they elect representatives that are also further from God. These representatives are then naturally going to be motivated by something other than God and His love. Therefore, the nation suffers.

On the other hand, as the individuals of a nation move closer to God and elect godly representatives, these representatives seek Gods will for themselves and the country. The nation is blessed.

Thanks again for a wonderful, thought-provoking article.

Yours in Christ,

Friendship Is The Goal Of The Gospel

What does the Bible say about voting in 2020?

Christians rightly think about salvation as forgiveness of sins and eternal life. But it is more than this. Jesus gives all who trust him the privilege of being his friends . And what is eternal life, after all? According to Jesus, this is eternal life, that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent . He rescued us to forge an intimate relationship with the triune God . God forgives us that we might share in his triune fellowship of love forever.;

In the new creation we will enjoy true friendship with all other believers. Our future is a world of friendship.

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Matthew : 28 Esv: But I Say To You That Everyone Who Looks At A Woman With Lustful Intent Has Already Committed Adultery With Her In His Heart

Now, I’m not trying to single out Donald Trump for having completely natural biological urges. All of humankind has fallen prey to the allure of lust. However, to battle with that in one’s heart and to voice it out loud to others are two completely different things.

The LORD calls men to honor and protect women. Women are handcrafted by God, and they are to be respected. Donald Trump has been quoted saying things that go directly against this God-given duty:

“Grab them by the the p*ssy.”

If that wasn’t vulgar enough for you, here’s a list of adjectives he has publicly used to describe women: Fat. Dog. Pig. Slob. Disgusting animal.

I don’t know what it’s going to take for this country to start valuing women properly, but having this guy in charge isn’t going to do it. As a woman, you should be concerned that a candidate for president is getting away with talking about your demographic like that. As a man, you should be standing up for the women in your life by saying that this is NOT okay! Young girls in this world should not grow up thinking that those words are okay because the President of the United States says them. If we elect this man, that will be the standard our girls will have for the men in their lives.

Exercising Our Civic Responsibility: What The Bible Says About Voting

Before we look at what the Bible says about voting, let us look at how our individual votes count.

Song of Solomon 2:15 says, Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes. Foxes sometimes, in search of food, would enter into the grape orchards and devour the grapes and spoil the crop. However, the little foxes were too small to reach the grape bunches so they would chew on the vines and it would kill the whole vine. Instead of the farmer just losing his crop, he would lose his vine which was more disastrous. Spiritually some things we do or allow that we might think are little or insignificant can also be disastrous for us.

Listed below are some of the little foxes that generally keep us from our civic responsibilities, in the area of voting. The devil uses these lies and others so that he can keep godly men and women away from the polls and get the candidates of his choice elected. If we do nothing, it makes it easy for the enemy to help those who could become the wrong leadership for our nation.

My one vote doesnt count anyway.

Im disillusioned by the whole political process.

Im already too busy to take the time to cast an informed vote, so I just dont vote at all.

Politics are corrupt anyway and as a Christian I dont want to be involved.

What the Bible Says About Voting

_______________________________________________________________

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Achieving Racial Justice And Equity

The Bible is very clear that God does not show favoritism, and neither should his followers. So, there is no place for racism in the church or in America. The Democratic Party is absolutely just in standing strong against racism in America.;

Now, personally I think that some of the Democrats policies for eliminating racism are not biblical at all. But the fact still remains: The basic policy position is biblically just.

As the election approaches, remember: As Christians we are called to lead people to Christ, not to an elephant or a donkey. Dont allow your politics to sabotage your witness to unbelievers or your fellowship with believers.;

Our loyalty must be to Christ. So, do some research, and vote in line with the heart of Christ. Lets do our best to vote for right and just leaders, and to pray for righteousness and justice in the hearts of those who are elected.

Dane Davis is the pastor of Impact Christian Church. Join Impacts live outdoor worship service at 9 a.m. Sunday at 17746 George Boulevard in Victorville, or tune in online at 10 a.m. on the Impact Christian Church YouTube channel or Facebook page.

Christianity For Votes: How Republicans Are Using A Religious Facade To Gain Political Power

On full display: Rep. Ted Yoho, in his non-apology to Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, remarkably argued, I cannot apologize for my passion or for loving my God, my family, and my country.

Talk of God has been brought into and out of national politics throughout American history, with various partisan and non-partisan causes, but rarely in our history has any political group weaponized faith for political goals as comprehensively as todays Republican Party. Although the name of God has been used as a rallying cry for Republicans for decades, the party that claims to support Christian values has developed a twisted ideology where the mere mention of God has become a license for injustice. Consequently, his name is being thrown out in vain by Republicans who seek to avoid being held responsible for their actions, even when those actions go directly against the Scripture.

The contradictory nature of devotional statements made by GOP;members;was put on full display in a recent scandal in Congress,;when Rep.;Ted;Yoho, R-Florida,;was forced to resign from a Christian organizations;board after publicly exhibiting a behavior profoundly opposite to the values he claimed to stand for.

Yohos non-apology

A powerful political tool

If we want to resemble a hope for uniting and healing;within our;nation, we must rebuke lies, hate and division. We must rejoice in the truth.

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Read Also: Why Do Republicans Wear Blue Ties

Christians Cannot Serve Both God And The Gop

The Christian right is the backbone of the Republican Party. Christians of all stripes from Catholics to Protestants and evangelicals consistently vote Republican. The core tenets of the modern Republican Party, however, are at stark odds with biblical scripture.

Over the last four decades, few priorities have consumed the Republican Party more than economic policies that benefit the ultra-wealthy. The Ronald Reagan presidency, in particular, ushered in an era where corporate bottom lines took precedence over fair wages for American workers. The rise of the Reagan-Republican ethos, which preaches the elevation of over virtually all other considerations, directly influenced of American jobs to countries with vast pools of cheap labor. Ditto for union-busting and the adoption of job-killing automation in pursuit of maximum profit.

These factors, unsurprisingly, the American middle class. Moreover, Presidents Reagan, George W. Bush and Donald Trump all pursued radical tax policies that overwhelmingly; if not solely; benefitted a small group of exceptionally wealthy Americans at the expense of the working and middle classes.

Republican policies favoring the ultra-affluent, however, stand in stark contrast with biblical scripture. The Bibles condemnations of the wealthy and the accumulation of riches leave zero room for ambiguity.

In short, followers of Christ must choose between God and money.

Property was sold and the proceeds distributed to anyone who had need.

[simptasia]

ive been fucked up about something the last couple of days. i’ve been feeling a lot of things: anger, sadness, incredulity and denial. like, that denial you get like “it’s okay now, we’re passed it. it’s gonna be fine. it’s just one person”

and i was gonna wait until we finally moved to do this but... no, i can’t

like okay, i need to explain what happened for y’all to get it... okay so, in short, i was... on the 7th of june 2017, that’s two days ago now, two days ago i was on the receiving end of ableist discrimination. because i’m autistic

it’s a long story and i can’t give you every detail, because it’s been days of phone calls with lots of people, but i’ll tell you what you need to know

my mum and i are moving, in fact, we’re buying a house. and this requires lots of paper work and real estate people and lawyers. i’m required to go to every meeting that needs my signature. this has been going on a couple of months now. and yeah, it’s been hard for me, i have chronic fatigue and this has been messing with my sleep patterns. but i’ve been doing it. when i want something bad enough, i will do it. it’s important. i understand what i’m doing

so two days ago, after like 98% of the work has been done (like, seriously we are so close to getting our house) we got a phone call from one of our conveyancers. that’s south australian for “real estate lawyer”. i know her full name but i don’t wanna start shit, so i’ll just call her first name: jade

oh, thanks for ruining one of my future daughter’s names, you FUCK

okay focus sapphire.

she called us a week after we’d met her and had our meeting with her. during which i signed papers. remember that now. also remember that i have been signing papers for almost 2 months now. (during this meeting she was really rude to me but i didn’t mind at the time because that’s tolerate as long as she does her job. i just want my house) anyways jade calls us, saying we’re now suddenly required to supply a doctor’s note proving im of “sound mind”

see, between the meeting and this phone call, jade rung us asking us to go back for another meeting and my mum explained that due to being autistic i get fatigued and that makes it difficult for me to go back and forth to her office several times a week. she wasn’t trying to get me out of it, she was just explaining the situation. so that’s why mum told her i’m autistic. and really why not? there was no reason to to be afraid. to think any of this would happen

and based upon that, this woman made a judgement about me. she wanted proof that i was capable of thinking for myself. for understanding what i’m doing

at first, we were baffled and angry. in fact, i lost my shit. we immediately recognised that this was wrong and absurd

later that day, on the 7th, we went to disability SA to ask if this is something that normally happens. we met a lovely woman named jackie. when we told her about this phone call, she was horrified. she told us this is not something that happens. in fact, she’s never heard of this happening. and for the first time in my life, in that office, i felt what it’s like to have an authority figure on my side

lemme explain something: what was being asked of me is proof of “capacity of mind”, as jackie puts it. and such a thing requires a lengthy process with medical professionals and tribunals. jackie also told me that if mum and i were ever to go to one of these things, they’d think it’s absurd that i’m even there

basically, a GP who barely knows me cannot determine my capacity of mind. and, here’s the most important thing, a fucking real estate lawyer has no right to hear the word “autism” and immediately make the judgement that i’m incapable of signing papers. which is something i did right in front of her. in fact, nobody has that right, ya know why? because it’s discrimination. it’s prejudice. 

it’s ableism

and i honestly think a person like this should not have a say in who does and doesn’t not get a house. somebody who hits the internal panic button when anything to do with neurodivergence and disability comes up. it was her job to make this easier for us and she made it nothing but harder

jackie called jade and she had a very long conversation with jade. asking for the justification for this discrimination. and asking for proof that this company has a policy about people like me. jade could not provide this because this company has no such policy. we found out later from phone calls to other companies and the head of the conveyancers that NONE OF THEM HAVE THIS POLICY

there’s no legal basis for this. the head of the conveyancers, the bank manager, the real estate agent: they were confused and horrified too. they were appalled. every person we’ve talked to has pointed out that this is wrong. actually: illegal

so this wasn’t a fault in the system, this was the prejudice of one person

jackie is a patient person and i could hear her getting frustrated with this jade on the phone. we didn’t hear any of jade’s part of the call, just jackies. but it was very clear what was going on. she refused to listen to jackie, she kept talking over her, she could provide no legal basis for these actions. and she felt (she kept beginning her justifications with “i feel...”) that an autistic person should provide proof that they’re of “sound mind” aka that we have capacity of mind

jackie, my bloody hero, tried her best. explaining things calmly, with all the right words. explaining that i don’t have an intellectual disability or acquired brain damage. and she asked the big question: would you do this for everybody?

would she should have done this with anybody? somebody who’s neurotypical?

if i wasn’t autistic, would i have been treated this way? no. i wouldn’t have

she said if i didn’t get a doctor’s certificate, she wasn’t gonna let us continue. translation: “give me a piece of paper that proves you can think for yourself or you don’t get a house.” later, she gave us a condition, that it could go ahead, as long as my name wasn’t on it. (because apparently my name means nothing)

is the utter absurdity of this clear to you?

in her view, i wasn’t of “sound mind” to own a property

and yes, we could’ve just grit our teeth and got the note. but we had to consult some other people about this first and turns out! this isn’t fucking legal! and yes, i still could’ve got the note but the point is: i shouldn’t have to

i was targeted by a single person’s prejudice

i’m actually kinda relieved, because if it was company policy, i would’ve been so sad for any other neurodivergent and disabled people who want to own a home

like, think about the neurodivergent people out there who are nonverbal. or have some other kind of communication issues. or whatever. for example, we have a friend who has schizophrenia and she owns a home. (before we found out otherwise, we’d wondered if our friend had been subjected to this too) 

do our people not have a right to own a home?? EVERY HUMAN BEING HAS THE RIGHT TO HAVE A HOME. but not to somebody like jade, i guess to her people like me don’t deserve it. we’re not capable. we’re not of “sound mind”

because she heard the word “autistic”, she decided i didn’t deserve what every human being has a basic right to. or at least, should have a right to

if you do all the work that’s required of you to get a home, like i have done, then that is you earning the right to own that home. i understand what i’m doing

i feel like... i’ve been treated less than human

and it’s been a long time since that last happened. it was like one of the ableist bullies i meet online, or went to school with... got a job as an authority figure. she’s a lawyer. she makes decisions for other people’s lives. that’s horrifying.

seeing jackie defend me so beautifully, so brilliantly on the phone was an amazing thing to see. brought me to tears. during my life, i’ve had two people defending me: my mum and me. it’s been us against the whole world

but being in disability SA, it’s like entering another world. a world where people like me are treated like people. i’m a person, gosh damn it! i’m a person...

i never thought i’d see somebody in a position of a authority, somebody who works for the government, defend me. care about me. want to help me.

so, yeah, we’re all friends now

anyways this story has a happy ending. because after all this, we accepted that we’d have to keep working with these people. let me be clear, we’ve very close to getting this house. we didn’t want to start all over. and pulling out with jade, we still would’ve had to pay her. (literally thousands of dollars) so, i was prepared to go my doctor’s office and get that godforsaken note.

(i betcha anything if i did, the doctor would’ve been terribly confused because THIS ISN’T A STANDARD TYPICAL THING THAT HAPPENS IN OUR WORLD)

but yesterday, this is amazing: jade... fired us. she said she refused to work with us for how “impolite and disrespectful” we’ve been to her. (yeah, she’s learnt nothing and refuses to learn anything) and we don’t have to pay her anything!

because it turns out, the head of the conveyancers had a stern chat with jade. you’re not allowed to treat clients this way. and being smart people who want to avoid serious trouble, they waved jade’s fees.

long story short: new lawyer, new company, don’t even have to start all over again. everything we’ve done has been transferred. we’re gonna be fine. better in fact, these new people are cheaper. and we made a friend at disability SA

so, all in all, blessing in disguise

but ya know, still incredibly hurtful and offensive. so what’s the lesson here? this kind of behaviour should never, ever be tolerated. it’s dehumanizing

and with luck, fighting back can get you into a better situation

thank you for your time

[everythinghskin-blog]

could i have a positivity for a vriska whos so, so tired of being called abusive just because im vriska? i know i was abusive then, and i know ive done bad things in the past, but i also know that im not now, and im trying so, so hard to make up for it, but it doesnt seem to matter at all. everyone either despises me or tries to excuse all the bad things i did. seeing your own name tagged as a trigger starts to wear on you after a while, yknow?

Heya, Vriska!

So I can understand this a lot. It’s something I’ve talked about in the past, but honestly, I think this mentality is so, so unfair. People seem to be unable to realise, in some cases, that people are not 100% their kins. They can realise they made mistakes, that they did things that they regret, things that they would never, ever want to do again. People have that capacity, in this life, taken out of the previous context, to look at their actions and say, “oh gosh, that. That was bad. I’m sorry” and actually mean it. You are Vriska, yeah, but you’re also a completely different person in a completely different life. You’re more than capable of trying to make right the wrongs you did before, and people should give you that chance to do it. It’s not guilty until proven innocent. It’s innocent until proven guilty. Until you’ve actively shown people that you haven’t changed, it should be taken, I think, that your experiences now have made you a different person, and have changed your views on the past. 

And don’t get me wrong - I can understand that your past victims, or victims of other Vriskas, can have a hard time letting go of the past. Especially if the memories are traumatic. But I refuse - I absolutely refuse - to allow the mentality that we can call people abusive just because they have kins that were like that. It allows people to hurt you, to abuse you, without even realising they’re doing it, and it is one of the most toxic things about kin communities. It allows the justification of “well they were like that in the past, they deserve it”, without the thought of “maybe they’re not like that anymore, maybe they’re struggling with similar things now”. I’m not so much saying that everyone should instantly forgive and forget, so much as I’m saying that people should at least give you the benefit of the doubt and leave you alone about it. Nobody should be forced to interact with you if their memories would make that a bad thing for them, but equally, they shouldn’t attempt to attack you or call you abusive just because of a kin, with no other actions to show it. 

The fact that you’re trying to make up for it means that you’re not abusive, Vris. No matter what those people say. No matter what they think of you. You’re no longer that person now; you’re better, you’re trying to be better, and you’re getting there, you’re already there. If you can make it up to even one person, if you can make even one person feel safe and happy, then you’ve done more than you ever needed to do. If nobody wants to give you that chance? Their loss. We’re here to make up for that, to accept you, you know? We’ve got you, Vris. 

(As for the struggle between “people who despise me” and “people who excuse everything”; I know it’s a hard balance, but so long as you can look at yourself, and you can say “no, what I did was wrong, but I did some right, too, and I’m going to keep doing right and stop doing wrong”, then I think it’s alright.)

At the very least? Your name will never be a triggertag on here. I can promise you that.

- Mod DoomedDirk

[alleyskywalker]

do you think its okay to write really triggering fanfictions (ive seen an anon mention that you write fanfictions or something so i wanted to ask on your opinion about this aaa)

Given the way this question is phrased - yes.

I mean, first of all, triggers are subjective things. Some people aren’t triggered by anything, others are triggered by some of the things that a lot of people would consider upsetting but not by others, and yet other people are triggered by everyday stuff that most would consider completely benign, like orange juice or something. So, where would we even draw this line of “really triggering”? Because whether or not certain content is upsetting or not really, really depends on every individual person.

Secondly, I believe in freedom of speech and freedom in art/expression. The thing is, if you don’t like that someone is writing X, you don’t have to read their work. Hell, you even have the right to keep your distance from someone if you have reason to believe their writing is a reflection of their worldview, which you do not like. But, for one, it is fiction on the internet and no one is getting hurt because of someone else’s rapefic sex fantasy, assuming that there was a rape/non-con warning in the header/tags. Second, fanfic writers are not mainstream media and do not have the same exposure and social responsibility. I acknowledge some of the complexities here and I can imagine a story that would make me tilt my head and go “huh wtf? why would you...” Though this is not so much about subject matter but how it’s treated. (For example, SVU episodes that deal with pedophilia don’t bother me. Lolita, on the other hand, freaks me out.)

But there’s a third and really important thing here too: fiction is exactly the place to explore dark concepts and subjects, to ask questions about the complexities of life, morality, pain, harmful urges, etc.

I mean, one of the reasons why books/reading are so important is because they allow us to vicariously, through fiction, ~live through~ and experience dozens, hundreds more situations, relationships and people than we would in just our own lives. Reading broadens our experiences because it allows us to ask questions, develop empathy for types of people we may never meet in our everyday lives, see parts of life we would never see otherwise. In a lot of ways, writing is the same. Except, instead of observing, like when we read, when we write we directly engage.

Like, have you ever been faced with a conversation you weren’t sure how to have and you asked someone to roleplay it with you? You have them play the other person and you take different approaches to the conversation and see how things might turn out depending on what you say. Writing about dark concepts is often similar in nature: it’s a roleplay of difficult/nasty things that happen in life where you can control everything and everyone involved, change up the elements, explore different outcomes, ask questions. And the best part is that no one is getting hurt. You don’t want to ever end up in an abusive relationship nor would you want someone close to you to. But maybe you wonder sometimes how you would respond if you did. Maybe you wonder about how a person like someone you know might respond. Would people with different backgrounds respond differently? Why are some people bullies? How can you overcome hardship? I mean, if anything, its an exploration process, sometimes an exerciser in empathy, sometimes an attempt an understanding why.

Always, always warn for things you know may upset people - so called “common triggers.” Be respectful and mindful. Not everyone wants to read everything and they shouldn’t have to. But that’s why we tag for pairings, ratings, and common triggers and squicks. However, I don’t really see a justification to exclude entire topics from exploration and discussion in fiction just because some people find them upsetting. I find that kind of censorship (which is more often than not subjective) to be dangerous more than helpful, tbh.

[flipme300timesandsee]

Deserts are too large but I love them.

!!!TRIGGER WARNING!!!: FRANK DESCRIPTIONS OF HISTORIC ABUSE, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, FGM, C-PTSD, BIPOLAR, DEPRESSION - Please be careful about this post if you are not well or if you might be triggered by discussions of the impact of past abuse or any of the elements listed above. I don't want to censor myself but I also don't want to harm anyone. Take care of yourself.

-

Deserts are too large but I love them.

Part 1.

-

I think back sometimes to my younger days. I came from somewhere, right? I must have.

But which where?

I was born out of place and wearing the wrong colour in the frozen North, then dragged back to a semi-arid Motherland where I still didn't fit despite being brown, then to the land of the colonisers and back and forth between these 3 vastly different places over 30 years. Snowy coniferous forests to dry deserts and monsoon rains to demure farmland and mossy national parks. It would be safe to say that I have never lived anywhere for longer than 9 consecutive years, more often a lot less.

I fit in nowhere, I got on with no one, and I've left so many people behind that I'm no longer the same person. I've left who they thought I was behind too. I wouldn't be surprised if some folks thought of me as the dead. I may as well be.

Even leaving my family of origin was not enough to feel safe. I still look over my shoulder expecting to be hunted.

Why shouldn't I jump at every shadow, question every person who speaks to me and acts friendly? I don't know you. I don't know what's crawling in the back of your head and hiding in your heart. My trust has fossilised and is now hard-won. It's too valuable to give away, too expensive to be honestly shared. I expect you to let me down.

I don't belong to anywhere and I don't belong to any one. My accent can sometimes be the only indicator that I am an emotional nomad.

-

I feel shame coming from so many directions, mostly from myself but also from others around me.

My first shame was waking in the night hearing my Parents fight. I must have been 3, no older. I remember feeling like the world was ending because I was listening to things I shouldn't be hearing, sounds that even I understood I should never have known about. I remember that was the first time I started to grasp that something was amiss around me. Something was not right... I was only aware of a thick sensation of dread arising in me out of nowhere, for no apparent reason, overwhelming in intensity. From a look or a sudden movement or the dropping and shattering of glass. I would closely watch adults around me because I never knew when the scary things would be happening. That is how I learned hyper-vigilance.

Shortly after that, I have another memory which I have gone over many times, unsure if it was deliberate or accidental (or whether intention even matters). My father placing an iron on the back of my right hand around the age of 3 or 4, as he was ironing his shirt. I still have the scar, like a horizontal crescent or a smile without eyes. I remember that it hurt a lot but that I was not allowed to cry. I remember that he apologized and I got to have my way for a little while as a reward for not crying too much; there was also a sense that crying too much would invite adult anger. That is how I learned to suppress my tears.

There are moments of love and caring interspersed with moments of utter dread and confusion. My mother took me abroad one day - there's a picture of little me chasing pigeons in a certain square in London but I no longer have the image, only the memory - and when we came home again for whatever reason, my father was very nice and made us scrambled eggs with ketchup which I usually wasn’t allowed. This happened once. I remember hoping that things were okay now, that he did love us and there would be no more hurts and weeping in the night. Of course that was not the case. That is how I learned to divide myself and think 2 things at once (hope for peace but prepare for danger).

More or other feelings of shame are attached to the years I spent in kindergarten.

I was very good at holding my pee in because I often had to at night, but for whatever reason one day at kindergarten I was stuck and had to pee in my pants at the time. I remember feeling so ashamed because I didn't know what to do and I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want people to be mad at me. I hid my pants and tried to lie about what had happened, but a kindergarten-adult figured it out and I remember feeling shocked that they were nice to me and didn't hurt me. That is when I understood that kindergarten was safe but home was not. I wonder now as an adult if they knew or suspected something wasn't right. I wish they'd said something. 

I remember my Mother coaching me on what to say to the kindergarten-adults if I had bruises on my arms or legs and they asked about it. I didn’t quite understand why or what the big deal was at the time, but I remember being confused that my Parents didn’t like it when I lied to get out of trouble. The fact that they fully expected me to lie to get Them out of some form of ‘trouble’ (because they behaved as though they had done something naughty) proved that lying was a reasonable tactic to use any time I wanted to avoid some consequence. That is when I learned to lie effectively and on the fly, and even to believe in my own lies so that they became what had actually happened. I used this power whenever I needed it, and my Parents were often the target of those lies. Frankenstein kid.

Whilst still in kindergarten, around age 4-5, I was forced to take part in a  ceremony which was religious in origin but not at all serious or intense - a lighthearted tradition. The nice kindergarten adults would not let me sit it out and I didn't know how to explain that me doing this would lead to beatings at home because I was being disobedient to my Parents’ God, Allah. The nice kindergarten adults thought I was just being shy. I was not. Predictably, when the little ceremony was aired on local TV I got beaten at home because I took part in something I didn't have the agency to decline doing, being only 4 or 5 years old. This is when I learned that logic doesn't work on the Parents. This was when I started getting angry.

Curiously, I was given my only ever birthday party at 5 years old. Never before and never since.

Fast forward several years until I'm between 7 and 10 years old. Home is still wrong and still unsafe. I was sent home from school one day with a Letter to my Parents. I felt like I was having a heart attack. I gave it to my Mother first because she was less antagonistic and her beatings were not so severe. I saw in her face that it was Serious Business and it turns out it was. We hid it from my Father, that it was an Appointment to see the school Psychologist. My Mother hissed at me that I was not to disclose anything and not to tell anybody what was Going on At Home or 'They Would Take Me Away'. Ever the pragmatic kid, I asked where I would be taken away to and how this process worked. My Mother was not happy and went to great lengths to describe how awful it would be if 'They' took me and broke up my family and how everyone would be hurt and deeply sad and that this would most definitely be My Fault. I didn't want to hurt her and siblings did I? I didn't want to betray them to the foreigners in whose country we lived and who threatened to destroy our culture and values at every turn, Did I? When I went to the appointment a few days later I remember feeling absolutely terrified that I would single-handedly cause the doom of my family and so I said nothing, admitted to nothing and just sat there suffering. When I went home to give my report, my Mother looked relaxed and pleased with herself and I realised that I had been played. That is when I learned that my Parents would use me if it suited their needs and I began to stop trusting them. I became more angry and mulled over the event for a long time, and to this day I regret not saying anything to the psychologist lady.

I remember my Mother whining to me around this age about my Father and how horrid he was towards her. I remember looking at her, deeply disgusted and disturbed. I simply said to her "Why don't you leave." (I knew what divorce was as I was a voracious reader). I don't remember what she said to me but whatever it was I must not have been too impressed.

This was also the age around which my migraines and stomach aches began. I think I must have been stressed the fuck out. I spent days lying in bed, unable to move or talk much. I’m sure I faked some days so that I would be left alone in blissful solitude, free to read a few books and not have to talk to anybody or justify why I wasn’t being a Good Student and in school. Those were the only days I knew peace.

-

Suddenly we moved to the desert. Not all of us, just Mother, Siblings and me. Father would remain behind, nobly sacrificing his time with his family to do...??? Nobody told me, but I wasn’t impressed. I remember telling people we were leaving and nobody understood why. I couldn't understand it myself. I said goodbye to childhood friends, not fully understanding that I would never see them again in my life, and got dragged away to someplace without explanation or justification. This is when the last of my trust in my parents began to erode.

We moved into the desert.

By this time I was a maudlin child, prone to fits of anger, stealing and acting out. Coming to Africa (I won't disclose where) was not fun. We landed on a sunny afternoon in the worst heat I have ever experienced and shortly after we arrived, I became deathly ill from something in the water. I spent long days with an IV in my arm, staring out into a featureless desert with distant ruins so degraded they looked more like natural formations than old building. The desert was beige and dry and far too large. I stared at it for days, weeks, perhaps months. I was feverish and delirious with nightmares and simmering, barely contained rage. I couldn’t speak the language very well. It was an isolation.

Eventually I recovered but something had burned away with the long fever I had experienced. I became angrier and more pitiless than ever before. I think I was depressed, looking back now, but at the time I felt empty. I was someplace strange, with no friends and with no Home, where every day felt the same and looked the same and where everyone who came to observe the foreign girl judged me to be a false, defective, wilful, not-quite-right girl. I looked like them, I had the same skin colour (too dark for some) and face but some ill-defined thing was wrong with me. I stared too much, I talked back too much, I was never agreeable and I always stood my ground. I also still didn’t speak the language very well. I remember some relation slapping me in the face the first time she met me because I "should be cooking and cleaning". Bitch, nobody taught me how to! I never forgave her and hated that bitch forever after, glaring at her anytime she came near. My Mother seemed shocked at my behaviour but overall ignored me as she finally felt she was home and had her people around her, including a housekeeper. It was the fucking time of her life. For me however, this time is when I learned that my needs were unimportant to everyone around me so long as I stayed silent and out of the way, so long as I did what I was told and kept to myself. And so I did, getting to know myself and learning how to care for myself so that I could remain sane and functional. I learned to finish tasks or just plain ignore them when I didn’t feel like I wanted to comply, but above all, to keep to myself.

I spent days sitting on the roof of our house or roaming the city. There was no electricity, no video games and no TV, no school... those days were the emptiest days I had experienced yet. I just existed, day-to-day, my boredom punctuated by flurries of violence and intense fear. People chased a man into our house one night and took him away by force; they were armed and we never heard anything about it. Unfocused gangs of feral boys roamed the neighbourhood, to be avoided like the plague because they were ‘not nice to girls’, a euphemism for sadistic violence and possible rape. One day I stood at the corner of our street and saw an actual tank moving in the distance, followed by large groups of people and armed soldiers and eventually the abrupt, clacking noise of bullets being fired. I was told this was a ‘protest’ and that it had gone ‘unusually well’. Another time a baboon broke into the house, terrorised the maid and escaped with a good portion of our dinner. Nothing made sense; there was constant chaos outside and inside the house; and of course the usual chaos of my Parents and their toxic, unpredictable behaviour. Father would ring the house at all hours of the day, constantly, mad with paranoia and constantly on edge, easily angered. We had to have 3-4 phone lines installed because he would call, check, wait a while and call again. He constantly checked on everything, cross-interrogating me, the siblings and then Mother. Eventually, She would retire to a room and close the door behind Her. I felt pity for Her then, but the pity would dwindle as I left and enjoyed the rest of my day. You can imagine this behaviour became worse when mobile phones became available about a decade later. Looking back, this seems to be evidence of some deep paranoia, mistrust and perhaps projection/subconscious realisation that we were all much more happy without him around.

-

I became less and less trustful, more and more tight-lipped, and began spending more time teaching myself things like cooking, cleaning, writing and how to care of my growing body. I insisted on being enrolled into school and resumed my education, I was growing away and trying to separate my emotions from what was around me to preserve the integrity of my own mental health. In essence, I lived alone within the family home, preferring to spend time by myself and to learn the life skills I needed so that one day, somehow, I could get away. Getting away became more than a dream, more than a nice fantasy; it became a singular obsession, the one goal towards which I directed all my energies. I made the mistake of talking about it openly, of laughing about it and enjoying the look on people’s faces when I said that this is what I was planning to do with my life. That shortly I would be heading out of there; that I would take the first chance I could get to get the fuck out of there and never contact any of them again.

Perhaps that’s where my Mother got the idea to do what she did then. Perhaps She didn’t like my flirtations with the neighbour boy, didn’t like me becoming independent, confident and growing away from the rest of them. Perhaps She got pressured into it. I don’t know. Whatever her reasoning, She planned to do something to me that I still to this day never expected from Her. Where I was always expecting to receive the most harm from my Father, I realised in hindsight that I should have been wary of Her. My Father got a polished and false version of me - my Mother saw and heard my truth and demonstrated that she found me to be intolerable. So she betrayed me.

She planned and organised for me to undergo FGM. I think I was 12 at the time. I will not go into the details of it in this post, suffice it to say that it was extremely traumatising and I was far too old for this to happen. My power was taken away, I was stripped of agency and my confidence was completely shattered. It was all done by a group of women including her; surprisingly, not only were no men involved in the process or plan, my Father had no idea (he claims but I kinda believe him) that this was going to happen. The sheer depth of her betrayal sent my anger into overdrive. An unimaginable 2 or 3 weeks happened. Like the last time I was seriously ill, I spent time confined in bed, unable to move, delirious and experiencing nightmare after endless nightmare. This is when I stopped trusting in anybody completely. This is when my plan to escape became a grim mission in life. I never again spoke to my Mother without contempt in my voice. I did everything in my power to continue my solitude and my need to be independent manifested itself in every way possible, down to not asking for the slightest amount of help.

FGM broke me deeply, but it also made me cognisant of the power and vulnerability of my sex. I became more acutely aware of gender, of the power imbalance between the women and men in the society where I lived. It brought home to me how vulnerable a woman can be in the world (some areas of the world were and remain far more dangerous than others). I saw how women were vulnerable at home and vulnerable outside the home. 

I also embraced and enjoyed my own sexuality, feeling a deep connection to myself in that way and fighting back against the shame that everyone wanted to indoctrinate into me. I didn’t give in even though that was the tougher path, even though it took every ounce of my strength and power to remain myself and keep myself from disintegrating. 

I spent long stretches of time on my own. I was deeply damaged and took solace from the silence of the desert, the emptiness and timelessness of the arid land. I sat and contemplated my past and my future. The desert was hot and everything within it was very pale, stripped of colour by the stark, heartless sun. Yet it was not empty of life - here a small lizard crept by, there a large turtle trundled along moving deceptively quickly, soon a small moving rock on the horizon. Goats and camels came and went. People were distant dots on the landscape. I walked through the desert barefoot, looking for answers or for relief from pain but there was no reply. The desert could not take my pain away but it was large enough to accept it. The desert was large enough so that I was a small, safe speck within its expanse. I could scream, shout, fling things around and lie in the dirt, and I could watch the sun go down and the Milky Way slowly rise to take its place.

Deserts are too large, but I love them for it.