#if you stop learning you stop growing

[iloveyou-writers]

Making mistakes, doing things "wrong," not writing perfectly... none of it makes you a "bad writer." It makes you human.

Learn from the mistakes, don't tear yourself down over them or you'll be less likely to learn and get better and more likely to give up.

[giantkillerjack]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

[inkskinned]

something bad happened to you, and you died, and you came back wrong.

not wrong all the way. the little ways. you forget important dates, stopped going out with friends. it's harder to make you smile. you're apathetic towards things you used to love, afraid of places you used to go to cheer up. quieter. flinching. different.

you came back for love. you're still here for love. what pulled you back was a brightness so loud that even death couldn't outshout it. death heard the call and smiled at you and said okay. go home. somebody is waiting for you.

but you came back different. like lot's wife; you've turned into salt. you used to chirp through life in hops and skips; but now you lose skin just standing up. you have to move slower, skimming across this world without-touching-it. most things feel dull - until they're suddenly all-too-much. life, and being alive just rushes up and over you and you get hopelessly crushed.

you try to explain it to them: it is ugly, but this is what you are, now. the huge golden hoop of your halo now a little bronze ring. you are still watering your plants and wearing the same clothes. after all, you worked hard to come home. this life; so odd and off-color, now that you are wrong.

but they waited for you - it's just that they wanted the "you" that happened before this. the "you" that could sing in the show and hug people tight and look at a blade without breaking down to cry. the you with a smile in pictures. god, holyshit, it's like looking at a completely different person, isn't it. that other-you; the one they actually wanted.

you are the consolation prize. you are the body that forgot the ghost. you are the memory of the bad thing, and the death after; like you are wearing that memory as a banner. you are a fragment, an assembly. simulacrum. you don't make eye contact in mirrors, afraid the light will glance off and your true nature will flash back at you.

you hear them talk about it in their hushed, desperate whispers. sometimes they even admit it to your face; harsh and violent, acid thrown at christmas dinner. god, can you just fucking be normal again. you do not remember what normal is. you had to climb so far to get back here; you are far too exhausted. you want to open the glass door of your heart and show all the gears. can you help resolve whatever got messed up?

you try so, so hard. you came back for them. because you believed they would love you, even when you were so horribly broken. because you believed they would be patient. because you believed unconditional meant "without exception." you cannot do things the same way. you just get tired too quickly these days.

you want to put them on a couch and pour them the tea with hands that shake more than they remember. you want to line them up and draw them a map of where you have had to wander. you want to show every bruise in a backsplash; the little helpless ant of your soul carrying all that weight, over and over. you want to say: yes! it is different! but i did it for love!

you want to say: "i'm not the same, but i'm yours and i'm here. can that be enough?"

[sysig]

Two skeletons in a trench lab coat (Patreon)

Bonus:

He’s very careful! Everything was fine before you interrupted!

[cringefail-clown]

how does Beforan Karkat react to Kankri's pretty much idolizing of him?

hes absolutely baffled (he secretly loves the attention) ((sollux wont stop making fun of it))

[lesbian-sunshim]

support me on patreon or leave a tip!

rare pairs for your consideration - apple bloom x twist

[nellasbookplanet]

I just caught up with ep 63 and I'm fucking vibrating. The difference of the Bor'dor reveal and the Dusk reveal! Dusk spending their entire time with the party stirring up drama, once caught out still openly provoking and trying to find an angle to straight up kill Fearne's parents, and the party still struggling to find every reason to let them go, let them live. And Dusk never gave a shit. Why would they! They were a fey assassin! And still the Hells fought and argued for them and let them walk away despite openly remaining a threat.

And then we get Bor'dor, wet paper tissue of a man, tragic backstory up to the gills, genuinely spending time to bond with them, having his little practice session with them being his proudest moment, sharing vulnerabilities. And though he drew first blood, he did it trying to run away, not kill! He did it having seen these people murder his friends and drag their dead bodies out of the hole! He was helpless on the ground, all but begging them to end him because he saw no reason to keep going! There was enough turmoil and doubt in him that he could probably have been deradicalized! He hated them but he loved them too!

And had this been early campaign, in all likelihood they would have let him live. But this is a Bell's Hells who have already been betrayed once by an ally, who lost Eshteross to the Ruby Vanguard, who lost half the fucking party to the Ruby Vanguard, who went on a grueling journey to get Laudna back, who struggled and struggled and still failed to stop Ludinus and ended up separated and scared and not knowing whether the world is about to end or not, whether their friends are alive or not.

And they were done. They did not fight for him. This is war. Were Dusk to show back up now, I doubt they’d survive the encounter.

[thepoisonroom]

it's so crazy to be in a really healthy relationship but still have emotional problems because every time i want to catastrophize about things with my girlfriend i'm like "buddy that doesn't even make any sense are you sure that's not your brain problems 🤨"

[stevesbipanic]

Fandom is for everyone, don't gatekeep it.

[jacksprostate]

something that I think is difficult to learn, but defined my young adulthood so far, is you have to learn to be okay with being deeply uncomfortable sometimes. Sometimes, there's something you have to do, and it will suck the whole time. But you need to do it, and your life will be way better afterward. Sometimes, you have to look at and really introspect on something that makes you deeply uncomfortable. But if you don't you'll never grow. Sometimes, it will be deeply uncomfortable to develop your own opinions and think critically about the world around you. But you need to. Sometimes, it will be deeply uncomfortable to have done that, because you won't be able to unlearn what you know, and many people may disagree with or even hate you over it. Sometimes, it will be deeply uncomfortable to be who you are, know what you know, and stand firm on believing what you believe, because it's deeply uncomfortable for people to dislike you. Sometimes, it's deeply uncomfortable to admit you were wrong. Really wrong. So wrong, you fucked up your life just a bit permanently. But god, all of it— if you push through, it will get better. You'll be stronger. You'll know why you believe what you believe. You'll know what you stand for. Why you stand for it. You'll be less attached to the false comfort of cognitive dissonance. You'll be more willing to face new situations, new changes. Talk to new people. Work with new ideas. The world opens up to you. When you get comfortable with being deeply comfortable sometimes, it's not so scary. You're not terrified all the time. And, I mean, it's not that it doesn't still suck. There's so much that pains me to think about. Deep, soulcrushing realizations. But. It becomes: this is bad. This is very very uncomfortable. But I can get through it. I can stick to what matters to me. You become able to hold true to yourself. You become able to know who you actually are.

And I think that's important. So I wish for everyone, a little more ability to be uncomfortable. We can't rid life of disagreement and upset and discomfort. But we can grow beyond it anyway.

[waitineedaname]

reading the novel, i love how blatantly indulgent of the juniors lan wangji is. when he was their age, he was duelling wei wuxian over broken rules and lived his life by behaving as precisely as what was expected of him, and now as an adult, he's basically letting the juniors do whatever they want as long as it isn't unsafe and generally letting the kids act like kids

which leaves wei wuxian to have to be the one playing bad cop. wei "has never followed anyone else's rules in his life" "bane of lan qiren's existence" "public enemy number one" wuxian has to be the one being like "oh my god don't burn money on someone else's doorstep, don't you know that's rude. you kids need to focus on your studies more, why isn't anyone teaching you anything useful, do i have to do everything myself around here"

[mizmatched]

The way the pjo fandom treats nico diangelo makes me want to slam my face into a wall

[braceletofteeth]

If you want to be happy, I hope it comes true.

I hope you will be happy too.

[eichiyume]

i think more people should realize that they are not entitled to forgiveness regardless of mental illness. if youve improved/are trying to improve then thats great and you deserve encouragement for that growth. however anyone youve hurt is not obligated to accept your apology and thats ok thats just how life is

[sammygender]

YALL ARE NOT SERIOUS PEOPLE no way i’m looking at the tumblr tag for spn 7x03 aka the sam centric flashback episode dealing with his childhood trauma and how he feels like he’s a freak and everyone is just posting about DEAN. dean and his stupid fucking pie. dean winchester used to be my guy! genuinely! s2-3 i truly thought i was a deangirl! But you people (plus this show atp lmfao) are making me hate him😭

[luesmainblog]

Before you tell someone to KYS, consider:

would I want my family to know I sent this?

would I want my closest friends to see this?

would I tell my therapist what I'm about to say to this person?

If I would, how would they react?

Is this a healthy response to what I'm upset about? Is there a better way I could deal with this anger?

Is this illegal where I live/where this website is hosted?

If they actually go through with it, am I prepared to face the legal consequences? Is what I'm upset about worth doing time in jail, and spending the rest of my life knowing that I am responsible for another person's death?

Am I relying on the idea that this person will not retaliate if i act cruelly? Am I prepared for a callout post, report, or potentially getting harassment sent my way?

Hackers exist. Is what I'm mad about worth my account, data, or the possibility of being doxxed? It is always morally repugnant to tell someone to kill themselves, no matter how much you may feel they deserve it. But this isn't about morals. It is genuinely stupid and unsafe to do this, even if you own a decent VPN. And always remember: Tumblr has Filtering Tags for you to block what you don't want to see. If you find yourself angry, disgusted, or otherwise upset when you come across certain content, block the relevant tag and move on like a well-adjusted person. It's right there in your settings, under your birthday.

(potentially relevant tumblr tip: the For You dashboard notoriously sucks, and you'll be blocking a lot more people and tags if you rely on it. Use the Tag Search or the Tags to find posts and blogs that you like, then follow them and use the Following dashboard so that you only see things from people you trust to give good stuff.)