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f4irys4n · 9 months

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this isn't us pt1

park jisung x afab!reader

tags gender neutral terms. cliche best friends to lovers trope. reader and jisung are both at uni. jisung is an art student. jisung pining over another person. jealous reader. jisung being a bit of a dick. arguments upon arguments. a lot of angst. mark looking out for you. jealous jisung. lots of swearing. jisung being very indenial. mutual stuborness. slight mentions of blood. violence and fights. kissing. a lot of crying. there will be a pt2 with smut.

wc 3k

one month.

one whole fucking month since you last spoke to jisung.

you were as stubborn as each other, everyone around you both knew that, and everyone around you knew that no matter how much they pushed you to speak to one another; it wasn't happening. the stubbornness, however, was only making things worse. the longer you went without speaking, the more resentment built up.

it all started over one particular topic. well, person.. jung jieun.

it was her second year at our univeristy, and your friendship group; jisung and you included; had all gotten much closer ever since her first few weeks.

ever since jieun was thrown into the picture, it allowed jisung to worm his way in. and what came with this was jisung slowly drawing away from you, and being attached to jieun's hip.

maybe you were jealous, you didn't deny that, but it just hurt that your best friend of 3 years started leaving you on read for days at a time and was willing to drop you any time of the day just to meet her as if all the time you'd spent together didn't matter to him anymore.

you're not usually one for confrontation, you avoid arguments and any sort of tension like the plague, but the way he was acting caused something to boil inside you and it caused you to snap.

you and jisung had plans to go to the cafe right next to campus after your final lessons of the day, and that caused excitement to bubble in your stomach. that was until he cancelled, babbling on about how he was ill and couldn't muster the effort to even get out of bed but denied all your offers to come over and look after him; like you've always done these past few years; only then to see him not long after this conversation walking to this said cafe with nobody but jieun herself.

now that hurt. that hurt a lot.

it's not like you could even be mad at jieun. she was your friend, possibly even one of your closest, and had absolutely zero interest in jisung. promising you it was solely platonic after overhearing you talking to your best friend, lola, about how you might have a 'small' crush on jisung.

but jisung, on the other hand, you were beyond mad at.

it started off with you ignoring his already very few messages, not even bothering to open them days after they were sent, despite him so obviously seeing you on your phone in lessons and around the halls of uni. and after a week or so you, you just started avoiding him completely, too scared you'd end up saying something you didn't mean out of angry if you spoke to him.

that was until he cornered you one day whilst you were in your dorm. so apparently annoyed at how you were ghosting him for so long, completely oblivious to how they were a result of his own actions.

"what have i done?" jisung asks bluntly, standing in your doorway so it was difficult for you to budge past him to avoid having this conversation.

"you'll have to be more specific," you countered, trying to shut down any sort of argument as fast as possible.

"you're obviously ignoring me and i just want to know what i've done wrong."

you scoff slightly, unable to hold it in. this made jisung cock up his eyebrow in confusion, curious as to what that was for.

"as if you don't know... everyone else has noticed it, why haven't you?" you sigh, trying your best to move past his taller build and get inside your room.

"clearly not. or i wouldn't be asking," he snaps sarcastically, his jaw tensing a little.

"maybe that's the problem."

you shove past him, attempting to slam the door behind you but he was too quick, squeezing himself through the door before it could close fully.

"look.. i don't know what i've done but-" "you've been fucking ignoring me for weeks!" you yell, taking jisung by surprise, his eyes wide in shock. he can't recall you ever yelling, not once in the 3 years you'd been friends.

"plans upon plans cancelled, rescheduled and cancelled again," you continue, venom dripping from your tongue. "we're supposed to be best friends, best fucking friends, and it takes you 5 days to reply to a message from me yet you can spend every waking minute with jieun."

"so this is what it's about?" jisung snapped back, pocking his tongue against the inside of his cheek. "fucking jieun?" "well.. i apologise for wanting to hang with a friend that isn't you for once."

"jisung! you're not getting it!" you yell, slamming your books down onto your desk in frustration.

"what am i not getting, y/n?" jisung yells back, hands balled up in anger. "that jieun's more fun that you? that she's easier to hang out with than you? that she's not as annoying as you? that she's basically better than you in general? because no! i get that, y/n! i completely get that." it left you speechless, hands shaking subtly as you try and hold in the sob you so desperately wanted to let out. you daren't even look at him.

jisung didn't even bother to look back at you before he stormed out, muttering something under his breath as he slammed the door behind him.

once you were certain he was gone, a loud sob left your mouth, tears immediately running down your face. your closest friend had just walked out on you, and you were more than certain that he wasn't even planning on coming back.

and that's what brings us to the present day.

one month without speaking to jisung.

you pretend to like it doesn't hurt, that it doesn't bother you, but it really does. seeing him walk away whenever you go to speak to mark or lola, not even wanting to breathe the same air as you anymore.

you were sitting in your room with lola, she was telling you about how she overheard mark and jisung having an argument, and she believed it could have been about you.

"mark said something about jisung being selfish," lola said, scrolling through her phone as she spoke. "he said that jisung was hurting someone, that someone being you, and that it was unfair he treated them that way. jisung obviously didn't like it, saying that there was a reason he was ignoring you."

"sounds about right, but what does he expect?" you ask lola "he can't just drop me for someone else all the time and expect me to still be all over him."

"don't you worry.. i'll ask mark all about it when i go to his dorm later," she grins.

"god.. your relationship makes me feel morbidly single."

you both continued to chat for around 10 minutes before you heard a knock at the door. lola jumps up to answer, a frown appearing on her face as the door opens.

"who is it?" you ask, before turning your head to glance at the doorway.

jisung.

"i'll... uh, leave you two alone," lola mumbles, quickly grabbing her things and hurrying out the door.

it was silent for a moment. it was suffocating. like a grip on your neck so tight it felt like you were gasping for air. you couldn't bring yourself to look at him, not wanting to see the barren look on his face.

he cleared his throat as if he was about to speak, but nothing came out, the silence lingering on for much longer.

"if you have something to say, just say it," you mumble, flicking through the pages of your homework, still not being able to build u the courage to look at him.

"i just- i just wanted to say-" he paused for a moment "-could you please look at me?" he asks.

your head raised slowly, eyes looking straight into his for the first time in what felt like years. his were red and puffy, they almost looked sore to touch; like he'd been crying nonstop for this entire month of no contact. gazing at him for the first time in a month felt terrifying, and it honestly brought butterflies to your stomach.

you almost felt joyful that he was here, but then his cruel words came flooding back in. 'that enid's more fun than you? she's easier to hang out with than you? she's not as annoying as you? that she's basically better than you in general?' and it made your heart tighten, and your stomach feel the same sickness it experienced that day.

"may i?" he asks gently, pointing towards the empty space on your bed, and you nod, mind feeling too fuzzy to even speak.

he once again stumbles on his words, unable to get anything out that was understandable or could even pass as an actual sentence. he takes a deep breath, inching closer to you until your noses were almost touching.

"i'm sorry.." he mumbles, and you could truly tell he was, but after what he said; that wasn't enough. sorry wasn't ever going to be enough. before you even had time to think, his lips were pressed against yours and you couldn't help but melt at the feeling.

despite this being all you've ever wanted, it still felt wrong, it felt forced. so you pulled away, to jisung's surprise of course. "w-what.." he stuttered, looking at you with a saddened expression on his face.

"y-you- you can't just-" you stumble on your words, not being able to think of what to say, your mind so clouded by the feeling of jisung's lips on yours.

jisung stood up, looking worried, questioning whether he had made a mistake and whether he should have even turned up in the first place.

"you can't just kiss me like that!" you scolded, tears welling in your eyes as you stared at him, what seemed like hatred feeling your eyes. "you can't kiss me and expect everything to be okay, not after everything you've said! you don't get to say sorry and kiss me, things don't work that way jisung," you continued, feeling even more hurt than before.

"but i thought you- i thought you liked me.."

"whether i do or not, you can't just come here and kiss me like that after what you said to me. you can say you're sorry all you want but you don't accidentally say those things, you only say stuff like that if you truly believe it," you spoke, voice shaky whilst sticking up for yourself.

"i see.. yeah.. i get it" jisung chuckles sadly "dont worry, y/n," he says in an almost bitter tone. storming out just like he did a month prior.

in that moment, you pulled out your phone and messaged chenle.

'hey.. can we talk :)'

mark: 'of course! right now? i'm free!'

'please.. it's about jisung.. meet in the courtyard in 10, it's late so barely anyone will be there'

mark: 'sounds great! see you soon!'

jisung storms back to his dorm, slamming his door behind him due to the anger built up inside him.

so much rage and aggression was trying to claw his way out, that he let out a straight yell, knocking over one of his art desk.

after breathing for a moment, he picked up the canvas, noticing it was ripped down the middle. it was a painting of you; he hadn't been able to get you out of his thoughts, his mind racing back and forth, burdened by the image of you all day long. and whenever he feels, he paints. that's why almost all of his entire workload recently was infested with images of you, some small sketches, others big canvas pieces fit for a gallery.

"what am i gonna do?" he mumbles to himself, chucking himself down onto his bed and running his hand through his hair in defeat.

honestly, he was so confused and didn't even know how he was feeling anymore. for a while, he was convinced he liked jieun, seeing her every day caused a spark inside him to light up and he chose to chase it. but then there's you, he'd never noticed it until after the argument, but being away from you, not speaking to you or even being able to indulge in your presence was physically painful.

seeing you every day but feeling too ashamed to speak to you felt like something worse than torture, it became too much that he was convinced he'd rather die than be away from your bright light. after feeling such loss, despite still seeing you around, made him realise he didn't like jieun half as much as he thought.

the constant longing he felt for you, the need to be around you and see you, to touch and hear you was all too much for jisung.

he started to realise that he liked you. he.. he loved you.

and suddenly those 3 years of friendship didn't feel so platonic at all. it felt like every second you knew each other, you were in love.

i mean who platonically spoons their friends until they fall asleep, who platonically gives their friends forehead kisses, who platonically would do anything and everything for their friend just because they had asked you too.

"but now she hates me.." jisung whispers, eyes welling up in shame.

you stepped towards the bench you spotted mark sitting at.

barely anyone else was around at this time, besides two girls you recognised from one of your classes sitting towards the main doors gossiping about some random boy you'd never heard of.

"hey," mark hummed, giving you a comforting smile. "lola told me jisung came to see you earlier..."

"he kissed me," you blurt out. "w-what?" mark choked, extremely shocked by jisung's sudden and bold move.

"he kissed me," you repeated "he didn't even say anything, he didn't explain himself or anything of the sort. he just said two fucking words; i'm sorry; and then kissed me, and thought everything would be okay. i said he can't say or do what he did and expect a kiss to make everything better, and then he stormed off once again."

"i told him to talk to you... just not like that," mark sighed at the younger boy's actions. sure, chenle wanted you both to get along again; you were two of his best friends and seeing you not involved anymore was heartbreaking for him and the rest of the group, but he didn't think jisung would be so tone-deaf to the situation.

you and mark talked for a good hour, originally about jisung but then you delved into other topics as he saw talking about the boy was really starting to get you down, surely some other conversation would take your mind off things.

and suddenly, there he was again; jisung slumped through the doors that lead to the doors, instantly making eye contact with you and mark giggling at whatever you two were talking about at the time, and he saw red. he knew full well that mark was with lola, he knew you saw mark as an older brother but that didn't stop his mind from wandering and creating impossible scenarios as to why you were both out here so late. alone. together.

"what the fuck?" jisung yelled, thankfully, anyone else that was sitting outside was long gone. he approached you and mark, jaw clenched just like his fists. "what the fuck is this?"

"what is what?" mark asks in confusion at the boy's sudden surge of aggression.

"this!" jisung yells, pointing at the two of you. "whatever this is!"

"it's a couple of friends... talking," you reply dryly.

"talking about what? huh?"

"you.." mark chuckled "and how much of a dick you're being. playing with people's emotions isn't cool, man. kissing them? what were you thinking? did you really think kissing them would fix everything? don't be so delusional. do you even like them?"

"yes! of course i fucking do!" jisung replies. you could see the anger in jisung's face rising, not pleased by mark's constant digs. "and then i come out here to you and them giggling and being too friendly," he spits.

"at least i'm being nice, jisung. treating them how they're supposed to be treated," mark growls back, becoming progressively annoyed with how one of his best friends was acting towards you and the situation. "someone has to fucking do it," he finishes, rolling his eyes.

"don't you think- i've always fucking tried... you will never-" and suddenly, jisung's fist came in contact with mark's face, not even finishing his own sentence due to how much rage he was being to see.

"jisung! what the hell!" you yell, holding mark whose nose was now dripping crimson red. "what the actual fuck is wrong with you?"

"i.. i.. don't know," jisung stutters, not being able to process what just happened. "mark.. i'm sorry- i really didn't mean to. i just- i couldn't stop myself!"

"jisung just leave," you mutter, trying to clean u what blood you can with the sleeve of your shirt. but he just stood there, watching you, unable to speak or do anything at all. "i said leave!" you yelled again, tears in your eyes as he began to walk away.

it'd been a few days since anyone had heard or seen anything from jisung. but at this point, not many of you really wanted to see jisung in the first place, not after everything he's done. he was constantly in his room, locked up, painting pieces for days on end.

no sleeping, no eating, no nothing.

for once, he was truly alone, and he didn't like it at all.

in the few days of isolation, he managed to complete the biggest painting he'd ever done. it was an abstract piece, a result of him just throwing random paints at the canvas in anger to see how it'd turn out, and to his surprise, after some touching up, the image started to look just like you.

he smiled at the painting, remembering how beautiful you were at all points of the day. you were the most stunning person he'd ever laid eyes upon, no wonder you made such a perfect piece of art.

in that moment, his eyes started to tear up. he was worried, fear coursing through his veins with every beat of his heart.

he was honestly terrified; terrified of losing you.

and he feared that he already had.

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lackablazeical · 9 months

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💙🥀Leonardo Hamato🥀💙

Specific Trigger Warnings -

Stalking, harassment, manipulation, physical/mental/emotional abuse of a partner, objectification of others, threats/acts of violence, yandere-like actions and behavior, violation of consent/boundaries (specifically to actions such as hugging, kissing, snuggling, grabbing, etc.), child neglect

Specific boundaries w/ this character -

Do not glorify/romantize/endorse Leo's actions ("I wish someone cared about me this much" etc etc.)

Do not ship Leo with anyone. At all.

Do not treat Leo as 'fixable' or anything of the like, or imply that he could/should be 'forgiven'.

Do not imply romantic/sexual intention when Leo is touching someone. He just likes physical touch, that is all.

General info -

Leo's birthday is October 27th. He is a Scorpio ♏️

Leo's main love language is physical touch, but he can give love through all five.

Leo is a sex-repulsed Panromantic Vincian man. He can feel romantic attraction but only feels any type of deeper attraction/connection with non-women.

Leo has combined-type ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder).

Leo has ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder).

Personality traits -

Leo is loyal, protective, obsessive, slow-to-anger, charismatic, controlling, manipulative, forgetful, strategic, and vengeful.

Leo doesn't get angry easily. He may get annoyed, but genuine anger is rare and hard to bring out. Often, it's a build-up of small things that makes him lash out, usually violently.

Leo is extremely loyal to those he loves. He will absolutely kill and die for his family, and for Usagi. Family is the most important thing to him, and he will choose them over anything else.

Leo, as a strategist, rarely ever does things without a plan in place. While his actions may seem impulsive or non-sensical, they are often to drive people apart, cause fear/pain, etc. Leo is extremely smart, and knows how to twist situations into his favor.

Leo is a control freak. He can't stand not being in control, and will do whatever it takes to maintain the power he does have. If that means violence, then that means violence.

Leo will spiral and be sent into complete delusion and panic if he's left without affectionate physical contact for too long. He needs it to feel grounded, and he will force the contact if he must to stay sane.

Important details -

His insomnia -

Leo has extremely intense insomnia. This is a result of an error when he was mutated. Originally, Draxum intended for all the brothers to require less sleep, so they could spend more time fighting wars and such. Instead, Leo got an overdose of that specific chemical, resulting in the state we see today, whereas his brothers got off with no ill effects.

He is physically unable to sleep for around a month, but Leo is able to force himself to stay awake for just under around 3-4 months before his body begins to shut down. Leo can't control this, and he is likely to pass out mid-conversation or while doing something because of this.

This insomnia has extreme physical effects on Leo. It results in glassy vision, sluggish movement/behavior, extremely bad memory issues, delusions, inability to concentrate for very long, and carelessness. Leo also has a lower natural heart rate because of this, and his eyes strain more easily. He also has extremely shakey hands, which mostly present themselves when he is typing/drawing/writing.

Leo's siblings don't care for Leo's behavior after being rested, so they often make attempts to keep him awake/wake him up faster. Without intervention, Leo can sleep for days. With intervention, he may get 6-8 hours max.

After being freshly rested -

After Leo has recently gotten sleep, he is noticeably more helpful, respectful, withdrawn, and thoughtful. He is more likely to notice smaller details, remember things better, etc. He is also nicer, and will better listen to things like 'no'.

This state lasts around 1-3 weeks, depending on how much sleep he got previously. He may revert back to his regular behavior faster if exposed to a catalyst (someone made him angry, he gets a look/smell/taste of blood, etc.)

His relationship with Big Mama -

Leo hates Big Mama. He distrusts her and her motives, and hates how she treats Splinter, Mikey, and Donnie. Game recognizes Game, Manipulative recognizes Manipulative.

Leo keeps BM alive exclusively for Splinter and Mikey. He is willing to kill her the second either of them gives him the word.

Leo will be courteous to her if he has to be. He will accept her gifts and call her Mother, but he makes his absolute distain of her very clear. He refuses to be alone with her and will silence anyone trying to tell her personal facts about him violently.

BM was the one who gifted Leo his sword as a sort of peace offering. It didn't work, but he took it anyway. Now, he never goes anywhere without it.

Leo is very strict about BM not knowing about Usagi. He regularly threatens his and Usagi's brothers to stay quiet about Usagi, and makes it clear that it is their necks on the line if he finds out they told her. BM would use Usagi as a pawn to get Leo to listen to her, and Leo refuses to give up his control.

BM is aware of some of the other Miyamotos (specifically Kenichi, Ishida, and Riko) but does not know about Usagi specifically. She just knows that they have more siblings. She also does not know that Leo has a connection with Usagi.

Leo and BM are actually quite similar, with their controlling and manipulative natures. Never tell Leo that, though. Unless you want your head cut off.

His stalking -

Leo began stalking around 10 years old. Most of his targets would only be interests between 1-3 months, before Leo got bored/they died/etc.

Leo has had 36 victims, including Usagi.

Leo does not have a preference when he stalks. Age, gender, species, etc has no effect on who he fixates on. Though he is likely to be more violent/intense towards male/masc people if they are his current focus.

Leo typically treats any death similar to a breakup. He'll cry, stew in his feelings, etc. It annoys the hell out of his entire family. Leo often gets over it quickly.

Leo fixated on Usagi differently because he was introduced to Usagi differently. Leo actually saved him from being mugged, which is the first time Leo had ever felt like an actual hero. This sent him into a complete spiral of obsession, and now Leo only and will only ever have eyes for Usagi.

His dynamic with Usagi -

Leo is an abuser. He is Usagi's abuser. He manipulates him, physically/mentally/emotionally harms him, etc.

Leo does not insult, slap, punch, or put down Usagi. Leo is very verbally affectionate to Usagi, which is one of the reasons people do not pick up on what is really happening.

Leo will bite, shove, pin, yank, choke, throw, or restrain Usagi. He is very controlling of Usagi's movement.

Leo does not explicitly put Usagi down, but will make Usagi feel powerless, dependent, etc. As example, Leo would NEVER say "You're nothing without me", but he WOULD say "where would you be without me?"

Usagi barters time and affection with Leo to get Leo to let him do what he wants. Leo often only properly upholds these deals around half the time. This could be holding hands for 10 minutes so that Usagi can go to the store with his brothers, etc etc. Leo is very much giving "changed the terms at the last moment" vibes.

Leo would become a husk of a person if he lost Usagi. He would slaughter anyone in his way if they tried to take Usagi (except his brothers, ofc.) Everyone is very aware of the fact Leo would act out violently if Usagi tried to leave him.

This is not to say Leo will always pick Usagi. If it is a life-or-death, no other option situation, Leo will pick his family over Usagi instantly, no hesitation, nothing. He will mourn afterward, though.

Leo's favoritism -

If Leo loves someone, in his mind, they can do no wrong. He will make excuses, ignore facts, and twist the narrative to remove blame from that person. He may also find a scapegoat to blame the behavior on instead.

If two people Leo loves are fighting, he doesn't pick sides. He will completely ignore the problem and say that it doesn't matter.

Leo is very much of the opinion that 'its in the past, so it doesn't matter.' So what people say, actions they take, past trauma, etc. Doesn't matter to him. This could be contributed to his memory problems as well.

After a fight, Leo will comfort the one that he thinks is more upset, aka more 'in need of support.' Typically, this will be Usagi.

Leo's power level -

Leo is the most dangerous of his brothers, WITH his sword. He could easily take any of his brothers down with it.

Without his sword, Leo is the weakest of his brothers. Leo is not good at hand-to-hand combat, and his fighting style completely relies on his sword and portals.

Fun facts -

Leo's favorite food is candied strawberries. He loves anything sweet or fruity.

Leo loves play wrestling and will often get very invested in any fights he gets in with his brothers or Usagi.

Leo has an extremely good pain tolerance. He would be able to walk on a broken leg and barely even register it.

Leo is a mystic prodigy, and his teleporting ability is entirely self-taught. It is much more sporadic and 'glitchy' than Rise, but Leo is still able to get things where they need to go. Leo's swords can split, and be either 1 or 2 weapons. 1 sword can create solid, doorway-like portals. 2 swords mean Leo can teleport between them, if he throws or embeds them in something.

Leo loves pop music, as well as 60s-90s Spanish music. He has an antique radio that he loves to listen to. Leo will also listen to rap/dubstep/hip-hop for Mikey and Don.

Leo loves rom-coms, and that is where Leo gets most of his ideas of love/romance from. He does not watch good rom-coms.

Leo babies his brothers quite a lot, but it is out of genuine care and adoration.

Tags that include Leo -

#addams! Leo, #addams! Leosagi, #addams! Hamatos, #addams! Disaster twins

#addams! tmnt au #addams! leo #addams! leosagi #addams! hamatos #addams! disaster twins

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ashwithane · 2 months

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happy 5th anniversary, fire emblem three houses!

i didn’t have time to do anything super elaborate, but i’m glad i could at least make some simple drawings of how i looked when the game released vs how i look now. i tried to give them a similar vibe to the in-game portraits haha

rant below about my feelings right now because there’s a Lot to say! content warning for mental illness and childhood trauma 🫠🤙

as you can see in the drawings, i’ve come a long way in the past five years. when three houses first released, i was a deeply insecure high schooler who never dared to speak up or express themself. i struggled with self worth issues and had long since begun developing ocd symptoms as a result of the fear i had that there was something wrong with me, something i couldn’t possibly know or change but that everyone would see if i made a single wrong move.

throughout high school, and my adolescence as a whole, i had a hard time connecting with people. but when i played three houses, i connected with the story, the characters, the ability to replay it again and again and always try something new, change characters’ classes and find new paired endings and discover the little details i hadn’t noticed before. i was playing three houses the weekend after covid lockdown was announced, and i remember talking to one of my friends about this cool game i’d just started my second playthrough of. we laughed and talked about the game, figuring that lockdown would only last a few weeks, and then things would be back to normal.

lockdown was difficult for me, as it was for most people. but at the same time, not going to school in person meant i could afford to let my guard down. i could afford to unmask, and discover who i was when i didn’t spend every moment in fear of what others would think. and so when lockdown ended, i started college still timid, but somewhat more familiar with who i was inside.

and then, one day, a thought hit me out of nowhere.

“am i trans???”

and thus began the journey of self-discovery that was my first summer after college. i started using the name ashe, started using any pronouns and later switched to just they/them. i also finally got up the courage to tell my parents i wanted to get tested for autism, and came back with that diagnosis to explain almost everything i hadn’t had the words to understand before.

recently, my mental health has gotten worse. i got diagnosed with anxiety at the same time i got my autism diagnosis, but nobody told me i have ocd as well until earlier this year. things took a nosedive for me over this past school year—i stopped taking risks, barely left my college campus, barely allowed myself to put effort into social connections out of fear that i’d be forcing people to put up with me. but through therapy and medication, i’ve been working through those feelings, and the fears my brain internalized as a result of the way i grew up: feeling like something was wrong with me, but not knowing what. today, i feel pretty good! i’ve been having more and more good days, so i’m overall optimistic about what my future holds.

to bring this back on topic, fire emblem: three houses has gotten me through countless tough times, and has been immensely helpful in figuring out who i am. so in honor of the anniversary, i’d like to give a special thank you to the characters who have been the most important to me over the past five years.

ashe: i’ll start with the obvious. ashe is the character i stole my name from, so of course he will always hold a special place in my heart. in addition to that though, ashe’s earnest personality and commitment to doing the right thing is immensely inspiring to me. he proves that it’s possible to make mistakes and grow from them, that your life isn’t over after one misstep. ashe has taught me to never give up on doing the right thing, and being the best version of myself i can be.

felix: this list would not be complete without the scrunkly of all time! obviously i find felix to be a very compelling character and fun to write, but his significance to me goes beyond being a writing muse. i’ve often thought that i wish i’d had a friend like felix when i was younger, and even now—someone who would drag me into situations i found stressful and encourage me (in his own rude way) to have confidence in myself. someone who would have stood up for me against the people who treated me like i was lesser. felix inspires me to fight for what i want, his shield symbolizing the ability to make your own choices for what and who you defend. he reminds me that there’s no glory in being a martyr, and so i shouldn’t make my well being a second priority. i love you felix and i’m sorry i put you through the horrors regularly (but not sorry enough to stop).

marianne: it’s probably concerning to say i see a lot of myself in marianne. her journey is incredibly inspiring to me, especially now as i see that the past five years have taken me along a similar path to hers. marianne starts out thinking she’s too different from everyone else to deserve a life like theirs, and condemns herself to crushing loneliness all to avoid the possibility of her hurting the people she loves. and yet she learns to live for herself, realizes that her mere existence doesn’t cause any harm, and learns to embrace her right to enjoy life. i hope to have the same strength she does, so that one day i can reach that point as well.

linhardt: no joke, i realized i was neurodivergent because of linhardt. so many of his lines and support conversations made me go “ha, he’s so autistic/adhd coded!” i made these comments repeatedly, but i also kept noticing all the little ways in which i related to him. linhardt was one of many autistic people who made me go “huh, i do that too! what do you mean that’s not normal???” his character also serves as a reminder that it’s okay to take a break once and a while, and that looking after myself doesn’t mean i don’t care about others.

if there’s one thing left to say, it’s thank you. thank you to ashe, felix, marianne, linhardt, mercedes, sylvain, ignatz, hapi, yuri, hell—my oc rowan, all the characters i’ve connected with and loved so deeply over the past five years. thank you fire emblem three houses, not for being the only reason i am where i am today, but being a major part of it nonetheless. and if anyone’s still reading, thank you for making it this far, and happy timeskip! 🎉

#this is the most i’ve overshared on here lmao but we ball #the art cave #fire emblem three houses #fe3h anniversary

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yandere-mha-blog · 1 year

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Part 12

Words:2033

You give yourself a peace of mind when going to the doctors

It had been four weeks since Dabis's little “visit” to your apartment, ever since Keigo told you he had roughed him up a bit, you had learned to relax a bit more, but there really was no sign of Dabi, still, there was that small molecule of stress int he back of your mind that kept nagging at you that he must have been planning something.

But something else was bothering you, specifically mother nature hasn't visited you. At first, you were so dressed with starting a new school and the fact your Ex stalked you down that the fact aunt flow hasn't visited you in over five weeks.

You thought back “Okay let's see, I got my period, then three days later we did it, then two days after we broke up, so it should be here by now., there is no way I could be, I mean we used protection so, I should be good right.” you hoped as you clutched your stomach “I need to get a test.”

You hustled to the convenience store near campus and grabbed a test, and some chocolate and checked out, and ran back to your apartment.

“Okay so i have to pee in the cut and put it on the test, I can't just pee on the stick…tv lied to me.” you thought as you sat the test down and waited. And waiting for these ten minutes felt like hell as you looked at the test, it was negative, thank god.

You looked a the back of the box

“Pregnancy tests are not 100%, too soon of a test may result in a false negative.”

“Oh come on!” you shouted as you tossed the test in the trash and grabbed your phone, you gulped and called the only other women you knew.

Your mom.

She picked up almost instantly

“Hi honey how are you doing?’ she asked “Have you made any friends.”

“Hi Mom, I'm doing okay, and yes I have made a nice friend, but I needed to ask you something real quick.”

“Well out with it,” she said

“My period..it's late,” you said

“.....I'm sorry what?” she asked

“Mom my period is late.”

“You have been at college for a month!” she said

“Mom I haven't slept with anyone here!” you yelled back

“Oh no don't tell me you-”

“Yes Mom we did, now look can you just help, I took a test and it said it was negative but i’m still scared….what should I do?”

She let out a sigh “Set up a doctor's appointment for blood work to test for pregnancy, (name) I have to ask did you use protection?”

“Yes, mom.”

“Okay good…did you always use protection?” “Yes Mom!” you said “But Mom what if im-”

“Ah, no no you will cross that bridge if you get there, now set up an appointment,” she said

“Alright, thanks ma, love you, ill call you soon.”

“You better, and tell me about your new friend.”

“I will later Mom,” you said and hung up and let out a long breath, you called the doctor's office and set up an appointment, lucicily they could squeeze you in tomorrow.

So when you were in the waiting room the next day instead of in class you got a text from Keigo

“Hey, where are you?”

“I'm at a doctor's appointment :P”

“Ohhhhh for what, or is it tmi?”

“Blood work, getting some stuff checked out”

“Well have fun with the poking and prodigy, the teacher is giving me the stink eye, want me to come pick you up after?”

“I’ll be fine thanks tho, don't skip class mister.”

“I won’t :P”

You were called into the doctor's office and sat on the table and waited, you were a bit nervous as you clutched your lower stomach.

“Hello (name), I'm dr sato, and what bring you in today?” she asked in an open voice as she sat down on the chair

“My period is late, and I think there is a slight chance I could be pregnant, I took a test but I hear taking them too early can result in a false negative,” you said as you fiddle with your sleeve

“Okay I see, when was your last sexual encounter?” she asked

“About five weeks, it was three days after my period, we used protection, but my period is like to weeks late.” you said

“Alright ill draw some blood and get it into the lab.” She said, “Was contraction used.”

“Yes,” you said

“What kind?” she asked

“Condoms,” you answered

“Alright and would you like to do an std screen today?” she asked

“Uhh, no thanks just the blood work, please,” you said

“Alright.” she said and continued to type down on her computer “i will go grab the supplies and be back soon, but from the sound of it, it sounds like a later period, have you been under a lot of stress suddenly?”

“I…I guess I have.” you explained “I moved into a new dorm away from home, after breaking up with a not-so-good guy, and he has been bugging me a lot.”

“Ah well as your doctor I will run the blood work, but to me, it sounds like the sudden change and stress in your life has affected your cycle.” she said “We will do the test just to make sure.”

“Thank you,” you said and she left, returning with a needle, you looked away as the blood was drawn out, the bandaid placed on your arm and you were sent home, they said the results would be done by tomorrow.

On the walk home, you felt a sense of shame. Thinking back on those nights, and how you now felt about him, at the time you just felt so infatuated with him, it felt right, but the situation, looking back on it, made you feel like an idiot.

“Oh (name)~” Keigo chimed in as you were walking past the fountain to your next class.

“Hey Keigo,” you said and greeted him with a smile

“I see you got a booboo on your arm.” he said pointing to the bandaid, they took your blood away to clone you.”

“Haha, no no, just some blood work,” you said

“Ah routine check-up?” he asked

“Something like that.” you said avoiding the question, you looked up at him “Hey Keigo are you feeling okay?”

“Huh, me?” he asked and pointed to himself “Never better.”

“... those eye bags say otherwise.” you said, “have you been getting enough sleep?”

“Yup sure have.” He lied

“....well maybe you should add a couple more hours of sleep,” you suggested

“...hmm perhaps I do require a nap,” Keigo said

“Also could you come over tonight to review what I missed,” you said

“I would love to, however, I have work.” he said dejected “I can give you my notes though.”

“That would be a great help,” you said as he handed you his red notebook. “I shall return it to you tomorrow in class.”

“You better.” he said and ruffled your head “Oops sorry I forgot you don't like that-”

“It's fine, it's growing on me,” you said with a smile and waved him off

“She is so cute.” he thought before slapping his face causing a couple of passersby to look at him as crazy. “No, we are not developing a crush on our best friend, who still needs to get over her psycho ex.”

The next day in class you and Keigo sat next to each other as you handed him back his notebook.

“Thanks again,” you whispered as the teacher droned on about the assignment you already finished, you liked to think ahead.

“No probs, did the notes make sense?” he asked

“Perfectly the chicken doodles in the corner really helped.” you quickly nudged him

“My draws do add a bit of a flair to my notes,” he said, you continued to check your phone waiting for the doctors to call, low and behold they finally did, and you excused yourself from the class using the back door.

“Hello, miss (last name)? dr sato here about your test results.” She said

“Yes that's me,” you said

“Well your test came back negative, however, you are low on vitamin D, I would suggest a supplement,” she said

“Oh thank goodness, thank you, doctor,” you said as you put a relived hand on your chest

“Of course call us back if you have any questions or concerns,” she said

“Thank you I will if any pop-up,” you said and hung up

“What was that?” Keigo asked, you jumped and nearly smacked him

“Jeez Keigo you scared the crap out of me!” you exclaimed as he put his hands up defectively

“I'm sorry I'm sorry you left in such a rush I thought something was wrong,” he said, you looked relieved now though.

“Ugh I am,” you said slumping against the wall

“Man it must have been something kinda serious then, have you been having faint spells or something?” he asked

“No nothing like that, just some personal issues that have been taken care of.” you said “and that is where this discussion ends.”

“Alightly, also did you know the teacher made it so if you leave his class you can’t get back in,” Keigo said

“...are you kidding me right now?” you asked as you felt your eye twitch

“Nope…wanna grab a snack?” he asked

“Might as well, I want something cold, it's hot,” you said

“Swee, I know this great ice cream shop a couple of blocks..that way.” he pointed down the street

“Well we can't go back to class, so let’s go,” you said and the two of you walked out of the building and to the ice cream shop, you just got a vanilla soft serve ice cone, while Keigo got the works.

“Keigo how do you know all the best spots for food?” you asked

“I just do.” he said “Also can I ask a question.”

“As long as it's not about the doctor's appointment, shoot,” you replied

“It's not.” Keigo said, “I was just wondering if you have seen your ex anywhere.”

“Surprisingly no,” you said

“Good, sometimes I wonder why you dated the human equivalent of a headache,” he said and you gabbed his side

“Owch!” he said

“Dabi was a headache looking back on it, but he had a charming way of weaseling his way in,” you explained

“Sorry sorry didn't mean to make it sound like I was blaming you,” he said, he messed up.

“It's fine, I know what you mean, but you sure do like to comment on my previous love life, when I know nothing about yours,” you said

“What there to say,” he said

“Well I've heard rumors that you are well…a playboy,” you said

“What me?” Kiego said “Probs because of how I dress and my laid-back attitude.”

You two were laughing a bit

“But I have had three girlfriends, one was in elementary school and she broke up with me after one hour because another boy gave her a cookie.”

“Heartbreaking.” you joined in

“Second one was in middle school and we broke up after three weeks because turns out her friends made a bet.” Keigo continued

“Geez that sucks,” you said

“My last and final relationship was in my 20s but we wanted different things and ended it after a year and a half.” he finished his story

“Different things?” you said

“Yup…like I wanted a change to my lifestyle and she wanted the same lifestyle so we kinda just split off, I mean nothing against her it wasn't like messy or anything,” he explained

“Lucky you, sometimes I wish I could go back and warn younger me.” you said “But at least know I have an actual friend.”

“Same here.” Keigo said as he looked at his watch “Unfornuinttily I have to get to my next class, so I shall see you later.”

“Later Keigo I’m gonna run as well,” you said and headed off to your next class and scarfed down your ice cream. Little did you know a certain someone was watching your every move.

#yandere keigo takami #yandere hawks x reader #yandere mha #yandere mha x reader #yandere dabi x reader #yandere my hero academia x reader #yandere bnha #yandere bnha x reader

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deafknell · 1 year

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Reading your answers from that ask meme and I've thought about trans Anastasia before too! It's a good hc. I wonder if there's any other ideas related to that hc that you'd like to share, cause I'm all ears

And if you ever write that fic I'll be there to read 👍

Hey hey! Thanks for the ask, I'm really glad to hear I'm not the only one thinking of it :D Apologies for the delay in getting back to you, I've been away on vacation all week haha.

This will be a lot of rambling rather than direct points, but I'll go over the main areas my headcanon falls under:

Her establishing her own identity/role as a hyena/parallels to the boy in Kararagi Girl Meets Cats

Clinging to a very feminine presentation/insistence on being a maiden

For the first one, we know from her side stories that Ana was a hyena, a poor orphan in the streets of Banan in the Kararagi city states. Most kids there grew up fending for themselves, with no discernable identity, name, or even any hope of climbing out of "the hole" they dwell in. With Kararagi law being incredibly vile as well, the most common fate for a hyena was either starvation, dying of illness or injury from other hyenas/unsavory people, or becoming a slave.

Anastasia is a very unique case. Not only was she able to eventually get a job after being saved from slavery (with Ricardo's help) but Ana was also able to actually name herself - Anastasia (coming from "Anagura" or "the hole" in reference to where she came from) Hoshin (from the most well known man of Kararagi, Hoshin of the Wastelands) This is very significant as, to my knowledge, we have not seen any other hyena reach anywhere near the level of importance that Anastasia has.

You can draw a lot of parallels between Ana in "Kararagi Girl Meets Cats" and the hyena boy she encounters. The boy, while bearing no name or relevance beyond his background, is probably the earliest example of Anastasia's morals being shaken up. When seeing the boy stare at her eating, she directly thinks of how stupid it is to rely on charity that doesn't exist, all while knowing she would have nothing if not for the charity of Ricardo and the bartender who took her in. It's made clear several times that Ana sees a lot of herself in the boy she encounters, even as she directly refuses to help him or do anything.

The boy, of course, steals her wallet and as a result causes her to be brought into slavery temporarily, but there's a lot in the boy's short appearance that leads you to think about the parallels between them. It's said a few times that Anastasia as a child fared stunted growth, but the full implications aren't as clear as they probably could be.

Anastasia's first meeting with Ricardo in "RIsing in Life Memorial Day" has her described as an untidy human child dressed in rags and filthy from head to toe, with very little trust in humanity. After seeing several men trying to grab her, Ricardo steps in to stop them from collaring her and marking her as a slave.

The very first thing she says to Ricardo after he offers her a bite of his pastry is this: "I’m no brat, I’m a girl. Don’tcha you call me that again, old man."

Interesting that's the thing that sticks with her - that her priority after nearly being made a slave for protecting two demihumans was to make sure she was addressed as a girl, right?

Later in that same side story, she seems enamoured with the clothes Ricardo picks out for her and it's mentioned about her wanting to grow her hair out. She's thrown out of her element, looking actually presentable, with Ricardo telling her she'll be starting work soon and it'll be up to her to sort her future out. Ricardo nicknames her Ana-bo, something confirmed in the Q&A to be because he thought she was a boy when he found her.

(Little side note: One of the Hoshin Sayings Ana sticks by goes as "Women should be courageous, and men should be charming." Which definitely adds to it, imo)

Something that Ana does repeatedly in the stories of her as a kid (both the translated and untranslated ones) is insist constantly shes a fair maiden or that she's a woman. Tappei has a habit of writing it a bit creepily (very weird comments made about a teen girl's body) but for the most part, she gets mad whenever Ricardo doesn't quite treat her as a normal girl.

One strong example is in one of the untranslated SS, "Bonds of Ice/Seven Years After/Anastasia Part", where Ana gets mad at Ricardo for not giving her a cute nickname and insisting on calling her Ana-bo or treating her as a kid. To be fair to Ricardo, he's been looking after her for years at this point and she's barely grown (due to prior reasons of malnutrition) but it definitely upsets her being seen as a kid and not treated as a cute girl.

The last point comes at a stretch, and very much headcanon, but I think a big element as well is how Anastasia really values and is attracted to Julius - somebody who frequently goes out of his way to treat her like a precious lady at every opportunity. He's the face of chivalry and will always engage with her teasing comments on her looks or behaviour, which always makes her happy. Where Ricardo will treat her like a daughter and the triplets call her their boss, Julius gives her that fairy tale fantasy treatment that she's probably longed for all throughout her years hating humanity and struggling to even eat at times.

I don't think I could do the headcanon justice in my own writing to the standard it deserves, but if I had the time to do so, I'd focus lots on that yearning part of Ana's childhood being explored through meeting Julius and spending time with the Iron Fang. Having the money for pretty clothes that she couldn't even look at, being able to hold onto coins that never fit her hands before... there's an unmistakeable amount of tragedy built into her, that never overpowers because her mindset of "you have to make your story your own" stops it from truly holding her back.

If you want to discuss more about trans Ana or Ana in general I'm all ears and would love to see it!! Happy to answer asks or dms, whichever you prefer! ^^

#rezero #ask #anastasia hoshin #Its so neat to have Julius and Ana both validate each others issues in that regard #Julius treating her equally but also giving her the levity she wanted #and Ana giving him purpose without applying the pressure Joshua does #Theyre so good for each other it hurts to read early arc six haha

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canmom · 1 year

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Animation Night 154: Kara no Kyōkai, part 2

Hi everyone, welcome back to Animation Night!

Last week we absorbed the first half of Kinoko Nasu’s early work Kara no Kyōkai, as adapted by a variety of directors at Ufotable. You can read about the background to this project there.

Tonight we’ll finish the job, with the last three films!

Let me give a little summary of the story so far. cw for rape, suicide, and trauma type stuff. This is a pretty edgy story.

In the first part, Overlooking View, we are introduced to taciturn knife-wielding Shiki, and her companion cardboard-nothing-boy Mikiya - who spends most of this episode asleep. They work for a woman called Tōko, who constructs startlingly lifelike human-sized puppets and prosthetics as well as running something like a supernatural detective agency. Shiki has a prosthetic arm, which Tōko made for her.

A rash of suicides taking place at an abandoned building draws the agency’s attention. Shiki observes a group of seven ghosts floating at the top of the building. Her first attempt to enter the building sees her attacked by her own prosthetic arm, but once it’s repaired, Shiki goes back and kills the ghosts, concluding they have something to do with Mikiya’s unconsciousness. Mikiya is her emotional support normie, not for others!

Meanwhile, Tōko tracks down a terminally ill girl in a local hospital. It turns out this girl has learned to astral project! She made contact and awakened the spirits of some other girls. But her astral body got ideas and went off on its own, and attempted to possess the body of Mikiya, who had regularly visited the hospital. With nothing left to live for, the girl kills herself too.

In the second part, A Study in Murder - Part I, we flash back to when Shiki and Mikiya were kids. Mikiya becomes interested in the spooky girl Shiki (式) in the school, discovering she has a male alter called SHIKI (織), and they hit it off - SHIKI definitely the alter that’s more interested which is a neat touch. But Shiki is behind a spate of brutal murders in the area, supposedly targeting people that cause SHIKI to front. Mikiya’s cousin, a detective, cheerfully spills details of the crimes.

Mikiya discovers Shiki standing over a corpse, but refuses to believe she dunnit, even when she straight up tells him as much. He starts camping outside her large, aristocratic house. Eventually, Shiki attacks Mikiya with a knife, but hesitates before finishing him off, sitting on him on a road. For reasons as yet unknown, she then passes out and is rushed to hospital.

The third part, Remaining Sense of Pain, is set in between the previous two movies. It concerns a girl called Fujino who, like Shiki, was unable to feel pain due to some sorcery performed when she was a kid. She has been routinely raped by a group of men. One day this changed after one of them hit her with a bat, and she went on a murder spree against the rapists using psychic powers. Afterwards, she is sheltered by Mikiya.

Shiki recognises in Fujino a mirror of her own whole thing, magic eyes included, and goes off to fight her. But she only seems to get satisfaction when Fujino is not dissociating to hell (feeling pain, enjoying killing), so she backs off at first. Tōko discovers that Fujino has a ruptured appendix, that is going to kill her sooner or later, and is now causing her constant pain.

Shiki pursues Fujino again, resulting in a psychic battle on a bridge - one that Shiki wins, at the cost of her left arm and massive damage to the bridge. But with Fujino at her mercy, Shiki comes around to using her magic eye of killing abstract concepts to kill her appendicitis instead, letting Fujino live...

The fourth movie, The Hollow Shrine, takes place after the second. Shiki wakes up from her coma, and the SHIKI alter has disappeared, or merged into Shiki, or something. She’s also gained ‘mystic eyes of depth perception’ as a result of whatever brush with death happened at the end of movie 1. These let her see flaws in everything that she can touch to ‘kill’ them, from flowers to people to rather more abstract things. She is morose and suicidal.

Alerted to the situation by Mikiya (not sure how they know each other), Tōko poses as a speech therapist and explains the whole magic eye thing to Shiki. A spirit possesses a corpse to pass through Tōko’s wards, attacking Shiki in the night. Shiki decides she would rather live, and uses her new powers to draw in the spirit and kill it.

Last time was a good time: both Nasu experts and people as naive as me experiencing the twists and turns of this bizarre story. So how will it end? Well, next up we have...

V: Paradox Spiral, seemingly a fan favourite! Shiki and Mikiya encounter a strange building which resurrects the dead! This one’s twice as long as the others so far, at two hours...

VI: Oblivion Recording: Mikiya’s sister Azaka is incestuously horny for him (why does everyone want to fuck Mikiya so bad? apparently the canon answer is that he is the ultimate normie and thus attractive to all the weird girls. thank you for being insane, Nasu). Meanwhile, at her school, fairies are stealing peoples’ memories. Shiki is sent to the school to investigate. Things escalate rapidly from there.

VII: A Study in Murder - Part 2: Another two hour beast. A new spate of murders is taking place, reminiscent of the ones that Shiki dun in 1995. As Shiki and Mikiya investigate, it dredges up some bad memories. We finally find out what the hell happened at the end of movie 2.

Planning to start at about 9:20pm UK time, about 30m time - sorry it’s late! We’ll be at twitch.tv/canmom, hope to see you again!

#animation night #kinoko nasu #the garden of sinners #kara no kyoukai

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conduitandconjurer · 2 years

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sorry this got long, so keep scrolling if you aren’t in a headspace for a mutual to vent ooc.

i’m upset for stupid reasons that, i think, go back to bigger or deeper things IRL.

i’m upset that i’ve been too busy as my mother’s sole caretaker OR playing frantic catch-up at work (i’m a professor and it involves a LOT of grading, lecturing, reading, and writing, and frankly extracurricular things like counseling and reporting concerns about students’ emotional or physical safety) to do things like shower, sleep 7-8 hours a night, eat as healthily as i should, exercise, and most of all, do ANYTHING creative to my own satisfaction. it has been more than a WEEK since i have showered! it has been since JUNE since i have even started a complete, finished, full-color artwork.

yeah, i know the positivity drill: “you create things for your own joy, not to be good at them.” but i only enjoy making things (image or word) that i can do with a certain degree of thoroughness and depth. i don’t like to half-ass anything. there’s also executive dysfunction borne of crippling anxiety and depression, which are more situational (C-PTSD) than the result of brain chemistry.

so i’m mad. i’m sad. i’m lonely. i’m tired. i want to just have some semblance of a normal adult life. i have not had a normal life since i was diagnosed with an incurable, progressively worsening illness AT AGE SIX. and i have let it get MUCH worse (my kidneys, stomach, eyes, lymph nodes, and blood vessels are all so badly damaged that there is no fixing them, there is just praying they don’t get worse, and now all sensation in my hands is going too: i can barely type this) because i’ve had to take over for my mother (no, insurance won’t help us, believe me, i’ve looked into it: she’s on dialysis but somehow “not sick enough”) and i have NO TIME to see my OWN doctors and do the necessary lifestyle changes to make MYSELF any better. i want to take a shower, and have energy to do anything after that. i want to go on a date. hell, i have a new boyfriend, but i find dating him to be a chore that i dread because i am so fucking drained by the end of the week that I’d rather just go to bed.

i want to be selfish. i just want to be SELFISH for ONE DAY.

but i know that’s not realistic. i mean i live in a world where everyone, EVERYONE, that i know, has just gone back to attending major events maskless, even though COVID is still surging. people like me are apparently expendable; we’re “sick anyway,” so if we die, it’s “expected.” we get left behind and NO ONE NOTICES.

i won’t be able to do Sheehantober/Sheetober, whatever it’s called, that super cool thing with all the creative prompts.

i won’t be able to draw/paint the entire notebook of ideas i’ve had waiting for “free time” since last february.

i won’t have time to answer my drafts here, that have been sitting since may.

i won’t be able to even catch up on Discord threads, and I CAN’T EVEN FIND THE TIME TO CELEBRATE KLAUS’S BIRTHDAY WITH GOOFY LIGHT HEARTED SIMPLE THINGS. I FUCKING FORGOT ABOUT IT ENTIRELY.

but honestly THAT DOESN’T MATTER EITHER, because i haven’t had the time to form many meaningful connections with people (aside two lovely souls who know who they are) in this fandom, and nobody inboxes me or responds to my open starters anyway. plus if they did, i’d probably be too sick or tired to do a thing about it.

mom just spilled perishable stuff all over the kitchen floor trying to get her own food, so now i have to go mop that up even though my sciatica is so bad that i’m sweating. this weekend, i have to somehow find time to get a house cleaner, inventory and remove extra dialysis supplies (32 HEAVY boxes to cover), find and buy a table with very specific parameters to hold a dialysis cycler, etc etc etc). a day in the life.

and you think, “can’t you ask somebody to help?” friend, if you say that, you have never experienced TRUE chronic illness, and how very quickly people you are close to become “too busy” to help when they have to interact with (noncommunicable!) illness, and acknowledge their OWN mortality.

#ooc #chronic illness cw #medical cw #sickness cw #depression cw #mental health cw #please do not reblog

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vinceleemiller · 4 months

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Misusing Divine Power | 1 Samuel 4

Are you misusing God's power, thus missing his power?

Welcome to the Daily Devo. I am Vince Miller.

This week, we are reading 1 Samuel 4. I've titled this chapter "Misusing Divine Power." Today, I am reading verse 22, which states:

And she said, "The glory has departed from Israel, for the ark of God has been captured.” — 1 Samuel 4:22

This verse is the shocking moment in this chapter. It is a statement of national stupidity. Israel made foolish choices, thinking they could harness God's power for personal means, which led to the capture of the ark of God. For those unfamiliar, the ark was a sacred chest containing the Ten Commandments that rested in the Temple, symbolizing God's presence and power.

Humanity has long been intrigued by God's power.

Even if we don't fully comprehend the intricacies of religion, we know that God, by nature, is considered all-powerful. The idea that God's power could somehow be harnessed for our benefit is undeniably attractive. The thought of this takes me back to those old classic Indiana Jones movies, like "Raiders of the Lost Ark" and "The Last Crusade" where notorious explorers are allured by the proposition that the Ark of the Covenant and the Holy Grail hold power that one could harness for personal pleasure and means.

For many, God's power is exactly what draws them to God. Consider the businessman burdened by anxieties and challenges. In desperation, he comes to God, praying that God's power will give him success or prevent the success of his competitors. If God's power can do that, the businessman sees value in God. Or consider the unbeliever who is terminally ill. Even though they have lived a prayerless life, their illness brings them to one of those "Hail Mary Prayers" for God’s healing power. If God can offer that, then they see some value in God. The applications of this twisted understanding of God's power are endless.

But this is exactly what the followers of God in Israel attempt to do in 1 Samuel 4. Believers attempt to harness the power of the ark of God for their own personal means, resulting in a mass casualty event of proportions that is catastrophic to the people of Israel. And that is what the woman in this text has learned. Her husband (Phinehas), brother-in-law (Hophni), and father-in-law (Eli) are all dead because they misunderstood and misused the power of God.

This entire chapter warns everyone about the misuse of God's power for personal pleasure. Harnessing God’s power even in our fragilities may be alluring, but it's fatal. We might even try to camouflage our attempt to harness our power behind a religious front, but still, this is fatally wrong.

With that, here are the six topics we will address in this chapter:

God’s Power Is Not Our Pleasure.

God’s Promises Are Powerfully Fulfilled.

Personal Sin Becomes A National Crisis.

God’s Power Is Not Your Good Luck Charm.

God’s Power Reveals Godless Corruption.

God’s Judgement is Painful for Everyone.

So get ready for a powerful chapter where we discover the God of all power.

#MisusingDivinePower, #HarnessingGodsPower, #BiblicalWarnings

Ask This:

How do you discern between seeking God's power for personal gain versus aligning yourself with His will and purposes?

In what areas of your life do you find yourself tempted to misuse or manipulate God's power for your own desires, and how can you realign your perspective to honor His sovereignty and wisdom?

Do This:

Don't misuse God's power.

Pray This:

Lord, help me surrender my desires for personal gain and align my heart with Your will, recognizing Your sovereignty over all things. Grant me wisdom to use Your power in accordance with Your purposes so that I may honor You in all aspects of my life. Amen.

Play This:

In Christ Alone.

Check out this episode!

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autobot2001 · 1 year

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A Scary Situation

This one-shot turned out to be very long, and fitting to continue another one-shot that turned very long. I unintentionally wrote a short story. Here's a snippet with prompts from Sicktempber. Full story up, hopefully soon. Will link it when it's posted

Fandom: Transformers Characters: Crosshairs, Drift, Jamie (OC), Ratchet, Jasmine (OC), Jolt, Lightning (OC), Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, Optimus Prime, Hound, Ironhide Prompts: Day 4; hiding an illness Day 6; sick and injured Day 8; persistent fever, Day 14; I shouldn't be worried about you, but for some reason I am" Alt 2; fuzzy socks, Alt 5; forehead kisses Warning: self-inflicted injury

Crosshairs and Drift knew Jamie was sick when they returned to her dimension. They were told four days ago. They expected her to be at the end of a cold by now. Though this has happened before, the two worry about how she didn't tell them she barely eats and struggles to get out of bed. The two are concerned about her 100° fever but decide to watch her for the next few days. Even while Jamie struggles to get warm. "Something doesn't feel right," Drift comments, "I know she's been like this before while sick with a cold, but…" Crosshairs looks at Jamie, also worried. They decide if she's not showing signs of getting better in the next two days, they're taking her to Ratchet.

The two struggle to sleep but stay in bed. Drift worries about Jamie's increased pulse even though it's normal with a cold. Even Crosshairs worries the next morning. Both know they tend to over-worry, considering the things Jamie went through that resulted in her coming close to death. Jamie's behavior this morning does worry the two. "I think a warm bath will help," Drift comments. Aware Jamie will not like being carried to the bathroom. He lifts Jamie's shirt, noticing something terrifying, "C-Crosshairs…." The mech looks at Jamie's abdomen, noticing what Drift is seeing. The two don't say anything. Both mechs aren't sure if they should return to their dimension now or not. Crosshairs quickly takes a picture and sends it to Ratchet. The medic quickly replies, telling the two to immediately get Jamie to their dimension. The two decide a stretcher would be a little better for Jamie. Relieved they can open a portal anywhere. What's concerning is the lack of response they get as Crosshairs lies Jamie on the stretcher.

Lightning and the terror twins wait by the medbay with Ratchet. All three are concerned seeing Crosshairs and Drift put Jamie on a stretcher. "I only told her, and they came with her," Ratchet explains, "which is perhaps a good thing. You five wait in the waiting room." "No, I'm not leaving her!" Drift argues. "You know you'll just be in their way," Lightning comments and hugs him. Damn, I hate how terrified he is. Sideswipe comments through the bond. And Crosshairs is going to act like he's ok. Something is wrong with Jamie and he has the same trauma as Drift. The five friends go into the waiting room.

The three medics can't believe what they're looking at. "You don't think she…?" Jasmine asks. "I fear that's what happened," Ratchet regrets saying. They see an infected cut and red like a rash around the cut. Ratchet injects local anesthesia, getting a groan from Jamie. He prepared the injured and infected area to get a biopsy sample and draw blood. "You don't think she was lying about being sick with a cold, do you?" Jolt asks. "We won't be able to figure that out. Jamie could be sick with a cold and now an infection," Ratchet suspects. Ratchet goes to run the tests. Jasmine and Jolt don't like they have to wait to help Jamie aside from covering her with blankets.

The five friends worry about Jamie, even if she doesn't show signs of being critically ill. They wait an hour before Ratchet walks through the doors. They hate hearing why Jamie is so sick. Crosshairs and Drift blame themselves for thinking she would be ok for the week they had to stay in their dimension and work. Drift sits on a chair, watching the color fade from Crosshairs' face. As much as he hates how Crosshairs hides how he feels when they watch Jamie struggle mentally, he hates watching the clear signs Crosshairs will pass out. He's told to stay sitting as the twins catch Crosshairs as he goes down. Drift feels dizzy. Ratchet hates seeing this. He knows this isn't unusual for the two mechs with what they watched Jamie go through. Hoping the twins and Lightning never have to go through what Crosshairs and Drift went through. Ratchet has also watched Jamie come close to death, but he has learned to stay collected. He and Jasmine will talk about this tonight and let their emotions free.

Jasmine and Jolt move Jamie into an in-patient room. Working quickly to get Jamie comfortable and begin treatment. "How bad do you think things are in the waiting room?" Jasmine asks. "Very, you know what Jamie has been through, and Crosshairs and Drift watched. We've only seen a fraction of what they've seen. Even if it was still terrifying. They thought she would be ok for a week." "And once they see how bad the infection is, they'll realize how wrong they were. Along with Optimus prime, Ironhide and Hound. I can't believe she's hurting this much." "This is scary, and it seems like this will never get better." The two sit in the room, waiting for the others.

Twenty minutes pass before Ratchet, and the five friends walk into the room. All five hate seeing how sick Jamie is. They know it'll be a few days before Jamie starts feeling better, and they are not surprised the medics put a nasolgastric tube in. Drift moves a chair by the bed and takes Jamie's hand, aware she's asleep. The three medics leave. The twins leave when they find out Crosshairs and Drift haven't eaten yet. Even though Autobots holoforms don't need food like humans, the Autobots make sure to eat daily. This does allow them to keep their holoform active without draining their energon.

"I can't believe it," Sideswipe sighs, "this is getting scary. I can only imagine how they feel." "I hate there's nothing we can do. They're struggling to help her." The two drop the conversation as they get close to the cafeteria. Uncertain if this is to be kept secret or not. Hating if this won't be secret, then everyone will hate the reason why Jamie is back. The two hope this can be secret until Jamie recovers.

This is getting terrifying. Crosshairs worries. He knows Drift isn't completely calm, nor is Lightning. "I hate we can't do anything," Lightning sighs, "how our love isn't enough for her, and having her stay here is unnecessarily impossible."

The twins return with breakfast for Crosshairs and Drift. The twins want to get the two out of the room for a while, but they know the two will refuse. Usually Crosshairs would convince Drift to leave, but the twins believe Crosshairs will refuse this time. Drift moves the chair to sit with the others. The twins and Lightning sits on the floor, rather than on the other bed.

It's a quiet thirty minutes before Ratchet walks into the room. "I hate to do this, but you all know how staying here isn't helping yourselves," Ratchet looks at the twins and Lightning, "I know you three are thinking of staying here with them. Jamie will be sleeping a lot. She'll be ok. You know I wouldn't put her in an in-patient room if she was at risk for declining." Ratchet leaves the room, not looking forward to the meeting he has to arrange. The five friends don't want to leave the medbay yet, but they know Ratchet will eventually make them leave.

"I can't believe she did that," Optimus sighs. "We asked for their help," Hound sighs. "You all know when Jamie isn't like this, she doesn't like how Crosshairs and Drift don't do their duties," Prowl reminds th others, "even if it's possible for the two to only help when needed. I'm a little concerned this could affect her ability to push her struggle to the side end fight in battle." "This is getting scary and complicated," Ironhide comments. It's decided for now Crosshairs and Drift are not working. Until Jamie is over the infection. Then, the five will talk about the plan. Ratchet adds how the twins and Lightning also worry about leaving Jamie alone. They also decide not to tell anyone Jamie is back. Hoping to avoid everyone in the base worrying more about Jamie.

Ratchet takes the four mechs to the medbay room. They see Jamie asleep and her guardians sitting by the bed. Ironhide and Hound can tell the two blame themselves. "They thought she'd be ok," Ironhide whispers. "Something had to have happened," Hound suspects. "That should be expected at this point, which is fragged up." Optimus stands by the bed, hating how much Jamie is hurting. Hating not even her close relationship with Crosshairs and Drift is helping. "I don't know what we're going to do," Drift sighs, "her dimension is the worst place for her, but we can't have her stay here. Every time we try, she's expected to come home." Optimus never shows his anger about the situation, even while everyone is talking about it — or ranting — but the anger has been building. He knows there are limited solutions, and Jamie's guardians have tried all of them. Unfortunately, Optimus doesn't think talking to Jamie's family — the cause of most of this — will help. Jamie has tried talking to them, and it didn't go well. Optimus hates how humans assume the person struggling is playing victim, and he's watching a friend deal with that. Everyone who knows Jamie believes part of the struggle is Jamie thinking if the adventure ends? But everyone agrees that is a tiny fraction of her struggles.

Optimus finds Ironhide and Hound in the hallway, talking about how disgusted they are with humans regarding mental health. "There's got to be something we can do?" Ironhide asks. "Unfortunately, the only thing we can do is keep her safe," Optimus sighs, "I was hoping not to resort to making sure Crosshairs and Drift are with her at all times. I don't know if it's wise to extend that to Lightning and the twins." "That's no good enough!" Hound argues. "Optimus knows that's not helping Jamie, but Crosshairs and Drift have been trying to help. There's not much we can do with the scrap in Jamie's dimension." "Unbelievable!" Hound punches the wall and walks down the hall. "I hope something changes before we lose her," Ironhide comments and walks down the hall. I hope so too, Ironhide. Optimus thinks. Optimus knows there's no point in staying in the room with the others. He leaves the medbay. The twins and Lightning also leave the medbay.

"We should at least change her clothes," Drift comments, leaving the room to get clothes. Crosshairs moves to the chair by the bed. The room is silent for a few minutes until the infusion pump beeps, which startles Crosshairs. He turns off the pump and feels Jamie's forehead, hating how warm she feels. He looks at her abdomen, even though it's bandaged up. I can't believe she's at this point. Crosshairs sighs. What can we even do to help her?

"Crosshairs!" Drift panics, seeing his friend looking sick sitting on the floor by the wall, "you ok?" Crosshairs doesn't say anything as Drift hugs him. Drift hates how Crosshairs acts like nothing is bothering him, but it's not easy seeing Crosshairs cannot act like he's ok. Neither are aware Ratchet is watching them. Damn, I don't think any of us can understand how close those two are to Jamie. He observes. Ratchet leaves the room before the two know he's been watching them.

The twins don't have to wait long before Jamie wakes up. Drift was hoping Jamie would want a warm bath but realizes Ratchet only gave her antibiotics but not medication to relieve the symptoms of the infection and cold. She doesn't like how Drift took the blankets off her. He works as fast as possible. Hating he can't have Crosshairs help, but he's changing everything Jamie is wearing which would mean Crosshairs would see her nude and the two are certain Jamie wouldn't want her friend to see her nude. "Fuzzy socks?" Crosshairs asks, seeing Drift putting socks on Jamie, "when did you get those?" "Would you believe these are in her drawers at home?" "No." "Well, that's where I got them. She's freezing even while under the blankets." Once Jamie is dressed and comfortable in bed, Drift gets her tablet and puts something on for her to watch until she falls asleep again. "It's going to be a long week," Drift sighs, "the only good is I can make sure she's getting enough, but only because of the feeding tube." Crosshairs hugs Drift.

Three days pass before Jamie starts to feel better. She leans on Drift who sits on a chair by the bed, trying to get Jamie to eat soup. With how little Jamie ate before she got sick, Drift worries she's trying to avoid eating rather than still not feeling up to eating food. Crosshairs watches, also worried Jamie is refusing to eat. Drift gives up trying to get Jamie to eat, hugs her, and lays her back in bed. "She's had a persistent fever," Drift sighs. "The cold she was sick with has likely passed, and now it's symptoms of the infection," Ratchet suspects, "unfortunately, I don't know if her lack of appetite is the infection or not." The three worry if this isn't because Jamie is sick. They look at each other, horrified. No one says a word.

Jamie is well enough to tolerate a bath, though she still struggles with chills. She lets Drift go into the bathroom with her, which turns into because he's worried she'll try something, to needing to help Jamie. Drift works as fast as he can to give Jamie a bath. "Sorry, but you need one, and I think this is better than a bed bath." I don't know if I should be concerned. Drift worries.

Jasmine checks Jamie's infection before Drift helps Jamie put on winter pajamas and fuzzy socks. Jasmine is concerned that Jamie isn't getting better even if she can get out of bed for a while. The persistent 100° fever adds to her worry. She goes to talk to Ratchet. Drift carries Jamie back to the room.

Crosshairs waits for the two. He notices Jamie isn't feeling good. Drift sits on the chair by the bed, not surprised to see Ratchet walk in. He takes a look at the infected area himself. "She is getting better," he tells the two mechs, "this is good for four days of treatment." "You sure? Because she was feeling well enough to take a bath, and now she's feeling worse," Crosshairs argues. "It's normal." Ratchet leaves the room. Crosshairs doesn't want to question Ratchet, but he worries Jamie isn't getting better. "She's wearing pajamas she'd be wearing in December and fuzzy socks, which we've never seen her wear. No way this is ok." "You know Ratchet wouldn't brush off something serious." Crosshairs sighs and sits on the chair next to Drift. The two sit quietly until Jamie falls asleep. Drift kisses her forehead and puts her to bed. "You ok?" Drift asks, "I tell you I hate when you hide how you're feeling, so I shouldn't be worried about you, but I am." "I can't anymore. She tried to end her life. There's nothing we can do but keep her safe and ensure she's eating. It's scrap. How long before we lose her? The changes we've seen the past ten years is hard enough, now this." Drift hugs Crosshairs. Both know there's nothing more to add to the conversation. The two go to bed.

By day seven of antibiotics, Jamie was feeling better, and ready to be discharged. The cut was fully healed, and the cellulitis was fully gone. The nasogastric tube is removed. The five friends decide to get Jamie out of the base.

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kywaslost · 3 years

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Idk but maybe a scenario where Aizawa comforts a reader after a bad test? I did so bad in my finals (I studied but just blanked out in the paper). Could be platonic or romantic. Up to you.

A/N: Hello! I’m sorry to hear about your exams, I actually fell ill because I overworked myself to prepare. I took all of mine barely making it through the day, literally. I did poorly on mine as well. I hope this helps, if only a little.

You were one of Aizawa’s hardest working students, and he knew that. You weren’t like Iida, overbearing and chaotic, but much the opposite. You were calm and quiet, still asking questions but not as overbearing as Iida. You’d come in early in the morning to study or finish up assignments and stay after school to ask for help and work a few practice problems with your teachers. Aizawa saw how hard you worked, so when he looked over the grades for each of your finals, he was stunned.

English - D+

History - C-

Math - F

Foreign Language - D-

Fine Arts - C

Science - B-

Quirk Training - C+

PE - A

It wasn’t like you to do so poorly on your exams. He frowned, shuffling the papers back into the pile of finals results next to him. He stuffed them into his bag before heading back to the dorms. Surely you’d be upset, since results were released this morning.

When he arrived at the dorms, you were nowhere to be found. He asked around, and everyone had said that they had not seen you since school had let out. Many voiced their concerns for you, describing how upset and distraught you seemed to be. Aizawa thanked his students before taking the elevator up to your floor. He approached your door and knocked softly.

“Y/N,” he called. “Are you in there? Some of the other students were worried and asked me to check up on you.” There was no response. His brows furrowed in concern for your well-being. “Y/N, I am coming in alright?” He slowly opened the door, seeing your room empty. Sighing, he closed the door again. Aizawa headed to his room to drop off his belongings before searching for you.

His next option was up on the roof. There have been several times he’s caught you sitting on the edge, enjoying the view of the sunset. Sometimes he’d catch you doing homework or drawing, simply taking in the calmness in the air around you. The man took the stairs from the top floor to the roof. Sure enough, when he opened the door you were there to greet him.

Your back was turned to him, looking out over UA’s campus. The breeze moved your hair in messy movements, covering your face.

“Y/N?” he said softly. You jumped, turning to face him.

“O-Oh, hello there Mr. Aizawa,” you said quickly, wiping at your face.

“Are you crying?” he asked gently, sitting down beside you.

You attempted to hide your face away from your teacher, but gave up. He had caught you in the act. “Maybe, yeah.” A warm hand made its presence known on your back.

“Is it about your final grades?”

You nodded, sniffling. “I tried so hard, I swear.” You started to tear up again. “I promise, Mr. Aizawa. I studied my butt off for weeks. But when I went into my tests, I just, I don’t know, blanked.” Aizawa rubbed you back gently with one hand.

“I know you did, kiddo. I saw you. You worked harder than anyone I know. Even harder than Iida,” he confessed. “I hate to say it, but it isn’t the end of the world. All of your teachers know how good of a student you are, how hard you work to stay on top of things. It is just a grade. A letter. It means nothing.”

“Bull,” you muttered. “I know you are trying to make me feel better, but these grades mean everything. If I don’t do well, I don’t have a future career. I’ve failed. I don’t belong here.”

Aizawa immediately gripped your shoulder, turning you to face him. “Don’t say that,” he said sternly. “Never say that. There is always next semester. You are going to be an excellent hero.” He wiped your tears with his sleeve. “Trust me, I know a hero when I see one.” The two of you sat in silence for a moment. “You’re spent. You’ve been overworking yourself for weeks, and it isn’t healthy. That is why you didn’t do as well as you thought you did on your exams.” He looked you in the eyes. “Take my advice: don’t overdo it next time.”

You hugged your teacher, grateful for his comforting words. “Thank you Mr. Aizawa. It means a lot.”

#bnha #comfort #bakugou katsuki #bakugou #bnha aizawa #aizawa #aizawa fluff #mr aizawa #shouta aizawa #ua #mha #finals comfort

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commonharlotwatchesbl · 2 years

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I’m so not normal about Vegas. I don’t think I can be normal about Vegas.

Below the cut it’s just a ramble of projecting, trauma dumping, and psychoanalysis.

Today’s episode was on the tougher side. Losing a pet is always a tender topic, but the way it was framed around Vegas’ trauma and the conversation between him and Pete about it hit too close to home. I’ve had a very similar conversation with my therapist. I have a sick pet, who was going into dangerous surgery for probably the third time. My therapist was asking me how I was feeling about it – the usual. I tried to talk about it without crying and failed miserably. I was obviously frustrated and expressed that just the potential loss should not hurt so much. She had to explain at a grassroots level to me that that is what an affectionate relationship is like and how it should be. It should be important, and that’s why it’s a good thing that it hurts. In the episode, I could imagine Vegas wanting to scream that if it’s like this, he doesn’t want any of it. But of course he cannot avoid it, since, as the episode clearly demonstrated, he’s not a psychopath and is very much capable of caring.

I love seeing people roast Vegas on how Pete gave him two minutes of therapy and the guy fell in love. As in, how emotionally unintelligent can a guy get? Well, for reference, I was instructed to do mindfulness noting techniques when I was 21: Whenever I noticed I was thinking, I was supposed to note for myself that I’m thinking. Same for feeling. However, I thought that it meant physical feelings, such as sore muscles or tingling. I did not realize that I had feelings, as in emotions, until I was 25, because I was so ill equipped to deal with them. I think they happened, I just wasn’t aware.

When you’re an extension of a parent instead of seen as an actual human, the mind has no option except perceive the self through the Other. You feel as if you are how your parent compares you to your peers. You are your grades, your progress in your hobbies, your successes compared to others. You got the second best result in an exam or a sports competition? The thing a parent like this wants to know only is why did you not get the first one and more importantly, who did? You get punished for failure. A grade B+ will give you a week of being grounded. (Really.) A child like this, in search for affection, doesn’t really develop likes and dislikes, the only way they can find human connection is learning to manipulate how others perceive you and draw positive feelings from there. This is why Vegas is so obsessed with being seen as “the second”. Anyone would think that’s an enviable position. He has an entire household of people who think he’s equivalent to a God, but he only cares about the gaze of some abstract Other he has learnt to place on himself. This, of course, he picked up from his father ever since childhood. This is why he's so perceptive of which version of him Pete reacts to the best.

The self harm… When you’re corporeally punished as a child, physical pain becomes a soothing comfort for emotions you’re ill equipped to process. When I was expressing age typical emotions at two years old, my parent considered it a failure on my part – I was being difficult and made her look bad – and used to slap me on the face. According to old documents written by her, after getting beat, I would crawl over to her to give her a kiss in an apology that I had upset her. Eventually I guess I learnt that affection is only on the table momentarily if I do something that makes her appear in a good light, and then the moment’s over. The only real attention you get from a parent like this is pain, and when you’re an emotionally starved enough child, pain is better than nothing. When you’re sad, you learn not to expect comfort, you learn to expect pain of some sort and what is familiar will become comfortable, so you do it to yourself.

Sometimes, you would find another place for comfort: another parent, maybe friends later on, maybe pets. But if you’re used to losing all of these new sources of hope, you begin to push them away right from the start to show yourself that you’re indeed not worthy of love. And when you're really desperate for human connection with a mind like this, you will think you have to chain them to the ceiling just to stop them from leaving. My only friend in elementary school moved away, my only friend in middle and high school moved away, my first boyfriend died, I’ve lost more pets that I can count. You give up and live every single moment waiting for the other shoe to drop. Every good moment is drenched in the knowledge that it’s not going to last, so why delay the hurt. Make yourself unlovable, control the perception of the Others so that they never know you, because, if they never know you, they cannot really leave you. Teach yourself to walk backwards out of any given situation. However, conveniently they can give you that little drop of good brain chemicals if you can trick them into seeing you in a light of power. For example, through violence and sadism. You can find a fan you can manipulate into seeing you as superhuman, but be all too willing to, well, shoot them I guess, because they would leave you anyway if they actually knew you. However, when you get the satisfaction of being seen positively through the other via a new state - vulnerability - you're going to want that kick of being liked while navigating a whole new experience. Vegas being perceptive to how Pete likes him, being addicted to being how Pete likes him, is going to teach him new ways of existing.

A child being put responsible for how others see a narcissistic parent is exactly how you would get a character like Vegas. A control freak completely out of touch with their own self with an emphasis on facades and impressions to whom others are only tools to either be seen through or tools to manipulate how others see them. For a personality like this, facing oneself is dangerous for everyone involved, since the toll on the psyche is not little and coping mechanisms are various.

However, if against all odds, the self survives this, what does one do with the surplus of love and affection that has previously only had an outlet in harm towards oneself and others?

I’m not normal about Vegas.

#kinnporsche the series #vegas theerapanyakul #vegaspete #kinnporsche

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forestlingincorporated · 4 years

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I wanna talk about Janet Drake

I’m not against exaggeratedly evil versions of Tim’s parents, tbh. It’s fanfiction, if we can depict an Exaggeratedly Good version of Bruce (which we can, and I do, and I love) then we can depict the Drakes as Exaggeratedly Bad. As someone who personally identifies with Tim, and his brand of complicated parental abuse in particular, I find it cathartic to uncomplicate that abuse and rescue him from the Obviously Evil Bad People.

That said, since much of comics lore is passed down word of mouth, the oral tradition surrounding Tim has developed this idea of Janet as The Worse Parent between her and Jack that was never really present in the comics. We see much LESS of Janet, and we have 20 years worth of comics depicting Jack as a neglectful hotheaded idiot who ultimate does love his son. More importantly, Jack isn’t very much LIKE Tim, so there is a habit to attribute Tim’s traits to his mother... and, as someone who really really identifies with Tim, Tim has... some negative traits. Tim can be a bitch sometimes. He’s fiercely intelligent and sweet and kind, with a strong sense of justice, but he can be cold and judgmental and unthinking - he fights those traits, but he does have them.

And it is perfectly fine to depict Janet that way. I’ve enjoyed depictions of Cold Calculating Janet Drake, but it’s not the ONLY option, and I want to challenge fans to consider different avenues. Tim could pick up these traits from anywhere: a nanny, Mrs. Mc Ilvaine (”Mrs. Mac”), a teacher, tv, Sherlock Holmes novels, Bruce Wayne himself. Tim is capable of not being like EITHER parent.

So, what do we KNOW about Janet? (I’ll also touch on Jack, but only in scenes he appears with Janet.)

When Janet was first introduced she was depicted as a gentle but “modern” woman. This was written in 1989, told by a 13 year old Tim, so this theoretically was meant to take place in 1979. I’m not here to give a lecture on the history of sex discrimination in the united states, but much of the legislation protecting women in the workforce or surrounding women’s bodily autonomy would have been very very new in this initial depiction.

Here, Janet is shown to be encouraging, emotional, maternal, and projects her own feelings onto Tim. Jack is shown to be slightly sexist, possibly discouraging, but not overbearing. And the artist is shown not to know how to draw children.

To insert some speculation, I think it’s important to note all the Drakes witnessed a terrible murder/accident that day. I point this out, because this is the last time Jack and Janet are depicted this way. It’s possible they changed as a result of this event specifically.

However, this is also a story being told by Tim. It’s also possible these events aren’t really “real” at all, and Tim is misremembering what his parents were like as a three-year-old, possibly projecting a more palatable version of his parents into the narrative. This is entirely up to personal interpretation.

In fact, the Drakes are shown in Legend of the Dark Knight attending Haly’s Circus, and the artist knows what a toddler looks like and they’re depicted as already having a slightly strained relationship. Jack is clearly on the defensive, and Janet seems to be passive-aggressive, though she could just be attempting to explain the situation to her toddler honestly. The intended tone isn’t especially clear.

I do want to point out, in this depiction, Tim isn’t being carried like he was in the previous one. He’s walking ahead of his parents, which isn’t a terrible horrible crime, but could be dangerous in a crowded place like the circus. Might be a subtle hint to his parents overall neglect.

Back to A Lonely Place of Dying, in Tim’s memories of the night he discovered Robin and Dick Grayson were the same person at nine-years-old, his parents are home, and watching TV together while Tim played... trucks, idk, in the living room with them. (This is semi-interesting, because you could say “oh, Tim liked vehicle toys as a kid” or you could extrapolate that this is another subtle indication of Jack’s sexism, providing Tim with appropriately “boy toys.” Either interpretation is valid. If Tim was assigned female at birth, would they have been given “girl toys,” or allowed to play with whatever they wanted?)

This is, to my knowledge, the only panel of the Drakes when Tim is between ages 3 and 13. They’re all together, which might indicate that the Drakes were home more often when Tim was 9, only later going on business trips when Tim was “old enough” but...

This is Tim’s boarding school when he’s 13. While most boarding schools in the US are for grades 9-12, Tim is clearly not a freshman at age 13; look how much younger the other kids in this panel are. In the US, the youngest you can attend most boarding schools is 7.

That means Tim could have begun going to boarding school anytime between 7 and 13. He most likely spent all of middle school in boarding school, at least. There are an almost infinite number of possible ways the Drakes handled having a business that required lots of international travel, an archeology hobby, AND a very young child. Janet staying home until Tim was 7, 11, 13, is equally possible as the Drakes having a nanny until 7, 11, 13. Tim just doesn’t talk about that period of his life very much.

(”What about Mrs. Mac?” - it is unclear when Mrs. Mac begins working for the Drakes. We only see her when Jack comes out of his coma. She could either be a long standing staff member, or a recent hire.)

Note: I’ve seen it said that it’s canon that “According to Tim, when his parents were home, they made a point to try and include him in their activities, bringing him along to events that were normally adults only.” I have never seen this panel, or I don’t remember it, so I cannot confirm, but I also cannot debunk this because... comics.

By the time Tim is 13, Jack and Janet are away on business trips a lot, with limited communication, and no firm return date. If I’m feeling generous, I’d say it was harder to communicate internationally in 1990 than it is today. If I’m not feeling generous, I’d say the Drakes are extremely wealthy, and international communication was easier than ever before in the 80s and 90s. They’re not even going home to see Tim in a week or two, they’re going home and calling Tim at boarding school in a week or two.

Even Bruce thinks its weird, though he doesn’t say so to Tim’s face. It’s written almost as if Tim’s parents’ neglect was meant to be a plot point that just got forgotten about.

Tim’s parents are fighting at this point (their poor assistant), but Janet still goes with Jack on these business trips. And she’s clearly involved in the business, somehow, but the comics never SAY what Janet’s JOB is. We’re told Jack is the exec, but Janet is ONLY ever referred to as Jack’s wife, though they’re later described as the “heads” of the company, plural.

Just to be clear, this is Jack’s business. There’s a perception that Jack is a bad business man because he and Janet fight over company decisions, and Jack looses the business after Janet dies, but Jack looses the company YEARS after Janet dies, and maintains it for about a year after No Man’s Land at that. We’re not told how Jack looses the business, but he’s got to be doing something right. Janet isn’t necessarily the “real brains” of Drake Industries.

And I’m not... gonna... touch the... exploitation and racism because... I’m not qualified to do that. But, here’s the panel. The Drakes sure seem exploitative and racist in their business decisions. Someone else can... analyze that with more nuance.

Regardless how how long they’ve been fighting, when their lives are in danger, the Drakes fall back into a loving husband and wife. Their marriage may be falling apart, but they do care about each other.

I want to show these panels because it shows that Tim and Jack do have things in common. They’re both level headed in a crisis and can be somewhat cold in their practicality. Janet meanwhile and silent. Jack is later willing rant and rave at their captors, but Janet remains silent.

That is, until they’re alone, and she finally lets herself fall apart.

God, Jack can be obnoxious. Janet just looks miserable and resigned. I actually think Tim takes after his parents in this respect in equal measure. Tim can have a temper, but he can also be fairly melancholy and defeatist.

Jack keeps reminding Janet to be strong and in control, which could be period typical sexism? But Jack seems so practiced and ready with the words of encouragement, and with Tim’s history with depression, I wonder if Janet has an inclination towards it as well.

As the end approaches, when Jack brings up Tim, Janet seems to have a lot of regret. She talks about “wasting” the good things, and I don’t think it’s too big of a stretch to assume she’s talking about time spent with her only child.

From this point on, Janet is at times spoken of, but not seen. Like here, when Jack says Janet wouldn’t approve of him and Tim being so “far apart.” He says this after he tells him he takes back his threat to send him back to boarding school, which might imply Janet was against the idea of boarding school? Though she obviously lost that argument when she was alive.

Jack will of course renege on this later, but that’s Jack Drake for you.

Or here in Tim’s illness induced dream, where he gets everything he wants. Though, since this is a fantasy of Tim’s, where his father and girlfriend are both more accepting and understanding than they are in real life, I would take this depiction of Janet with a grain of salt.

After loosing Drake Industries, Jack thinks about Janet (though, they call her Catherine/Cathy for some fucking reason) during his depressive episode. And... uh...

Hallucinates a Valkyrie???? Is this symbolic of suicidal thoughts, or is she... real? Or is he seriously hallucinating?

Anyway, we’re not here to discuss Jack’s mental state, the fact that he forgot Tim’s birthday, or that concerning “I was going to knock some sense into you but you’re still bigger than me” statement from Tim, we’re here to talk about Janet. And even though this entire arc is about Jack mourning his first wife, they don’t SAY anything about Janet herself at all. I mean, they don’t even get her name right, so I guess what was I expecting.

Then there’s Origins and Omens, which also doesn’t say anything about Janet, except that Tim’s memory of her is faulty - Janet was poisoned, her assistant Jeremy’s throat was slit on television, but Tim seems to have conflated the death he did see with the death he didn’t.

The only piece of canon to suggest that Janet might be cold, is Tim compares her to Thalia. And even then, he’s really just saying Janet was protective of him. It’s kind of a scary look to make at your kid, but Bruce does the same thing, so.

I do want to say... it’s not 100% clear if Tim is even talking about Janet. He could be talking about Dana. Dana was observably protective of Tim, though I don’t think he’s ever called her mom. He PROBABLY means Janet.

And finally we have Tim visiting his mother’s grave (in a duel Christian/Jewish cemetery, make of that what you will), where Tim says she was “a little religious.”

And that’s it! That is all we know about Janet Drake in New Earth. Hardly the Mom From Hell, but she isn’t perfect. I’d be interested in seeing some alternate depictions of her within the fandom.

I’m still gonna eat up Terrible Parents From Hell like a starving puppy dog, though. Just some food for creative thought.

#Tim Drake #janet drake #jack drake #robin #Red Robin #character analysis

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keilemlucent · 3 years

Text

(nsfw) ✧ (dark content warnings) ✧ (minors do not interact)

hawks | takami keigo x reader

wc: 1.7k

warnings: abuse, noncon/dubcon, yandere, vomit due to illness, delusion, reader is definitely not mentally well, brief description of injury, hawks is Not nice in this, reader has difficulty eating,

a/n: uhhh it’s 2am, time to post dark drabble lol!! i love like.... deep yandere stuff. when darling’s already been In It for awhile and worn down. mwah. chefs. kiss. anyways, here’s my take!

You want to know what rain tastes like.

Is it different than water from the tap? You had asked him one day. He chuckled but didn’t give you an answer. Just an easy deflection, something unrelated to pull your mind from the outside.

It is easier this way.

It’s so much easier to draw the curtains in the morning. Damn the sun, damn the light— You can take vitamin D supplements and pretend you don’t mind how dark the apartment is no matter the time of day.

It’s easier to ignore the multiple locks (seven. you count them sometimes to pass the time) that are bolted into the door. The time it takes him to open them with all their tumbling gears and thundering clicks is the preamble to his comings and goings.

You know to rise from your damn-near sacred spot on the couch to greet him. You go to him with a kiss on his cheek, and to give him hug so hard, it hurts. You can’t tell if it’s from the strain of your arms around his, or the pressure of his embrace around you. You don’t particularly mind either way. It’s the reminder you need that as empty and dark as the apartment is, he’ll always return.

Always.

You lock your hands behind his back, clasped below his wings. Routinely, you bury your face in his chest while he sways you. He asks about your day, but he isn’t listening. You don’t think so, but you don’t mind. Nothing you say means much, and every day is the same. You sit on the couch and stare at the floor. The walls. The ceiling if you’re feeling more adventurous.

You stopped watching TV alone months ago. No matter what you watched on Keigo’s big, sleek television, it was just a reminder. An awful, unavoidable reminder that the world is quite large, and you weren’t apart of it.

You couldn’t be. You were locked in place— one, two, three, four, five, six, seven — in the little apartment. Wasting away, as much as you tried not to.

...

“You need to eat, baby,” Keigo coax. He holds a deep spoonful of soup to your lips. It smells divine, like chives and cream. “Just a little. For me?”

‘For me.’

Your inability to stomach anything is his problem, just as much as it is yours. That’s just a fact.

“I don’t want to get sick again,” You squeeze your hands. There is a semblance of comfort in the action as Keigo inspects you. Searching.

It isn’t a lie. Your stomach growls and rolls, and it has been all day. Keigo has started to always leave ample leftovers in the fridge in the case you’d actually want to eat them. And you do. Sometimes, you even try! Really try. But the end result is always the same. Your head ends up dangling over the bowl of your toilet while you wretch and writhe.

Acid stings your throat for hours.

Despite Keigo’s... previous treatment, he seems genuinely concerned about this development. You’re hardly able to keep anything down, despite being well otherwise.

(You’re so unwell and have been for so long, he can’t begin to see it. The bruises are perpetual. The scars that you didn’t have a year ago are fixtures he can’t remember you without. The constant tremble you carry is from the drafty apartment, not from the deeply instilled fear you carry. The one he had branded (literally) onto you. Into you.)

(Fucker.)

You shake the thought off and open your mouth and accept the bite. And Keigo, bless his heart, is sweet enough to not shove the spoon to the back of your throat. He lets you suck the soup from it, quietly praising your work.

You manage to eat half the bowl before shaking your head, tummy already twisting in the worst, most familiar way.

Keigo gives you pills then. Four of them, all slightly different colors and shapes. You don’t know what they do, and you knew better than to ask (you’d gotten slapped across the face the first and only time you tried.)

The fourth pill is new, and Keigo, graciously, tells you that it’s for the nausea. That a special doctor is helping him help you. Isn’t that wonderful?

You’re so, so lucky.

(You hurl the next morning once the meds wear off. Your hands shake and your slam your fist into your temples. Begging. You’re not sure to who. Maybe to yourself. Your body. Crying for your wretched form to just stop hurting you. If you weren’t sick, things would be better.

Maybe, you’re begging Keigo. For help. To make it stop. To take care of you and coo that things will be fine as things are so completely not find that you can’t comprehend it. But he is the one who decides when you hurt. Shouldn’t he be able to make this stop?

Maybe you’re begging him to unlatch those — one, two, three, four, five, six— seven locks so you could dash into the world. Scream at the first person you see that beloved, pro-hero Hawks is so beyond deranged and fucked up. Maybe no civilian would believe you. But you were the evidence. You bore the slashes of his feathers. The perpetual imprint of his fingers on hips and thighs. You even had a brand on the bottom of your foot. K-E-I-G-O.

Maybe, you’re begging to whatever god you once believed in to kill you. You don’t care about the means. Be it your hand, or Keigo’s, or random chance.)

You spew into the murky water and try to forget.

...

Keigo’s special doctor comes by. You see the two exchange hands by the door when she first arrives. A flash of bills and coins. Paid off, part of you perks up. The doctor won’t talk about Hawks’ little captive. You’re sure it’s a handsome amount, based on the neutrality of her expression as she takes you in.

To care so little about something like you is hardly a surprise.

She examines you, collects some blood and other samples. Prescribes a few more medicines that have long and complicated names that are hard to pronounce. You try to forget them. You’re happy to be quiet. Sit next to Keigo while he wraps a wing around you and rubs your back in little circles. He’s warm and good, unlike the rot in your stomach.

Keigo praises you once she leaves, wrapping you up in him, scarlet feathers and all. Kisses your cheeks, telling you how well you did. How you didn’t falter, didn’t scream, didn’t let her touch you too much. How you were so perfect for him. You deserve a reward!

He treats you to fresh sheets and more kisses. The kind that feels like how lovers are supposed to kiss. There isn’t too much teeth or tongue, just slow, open-mouthed pressing that makes your tummy flutter in a good way (for once.)

“Isn’t this nice?” Keigo hums against your lips.

You nod, barely eager but not apprehensive either. Treading lightly on a carefully, self-cultivated path between wanting and revulsion. As good as it feels, you don’t want to give him. You don’t remember how.

His lips trail to your neck, to your collarbones. He pushes up your shirt and only leaves little pecks over your nipples and chest. No wounds that draw blood. No hickeys that last weeks.

You don’t realize you start trembling until Keigo has to grip your inner thighs to still you. So, he can coo blessed, little reminders.

“This feels good, doesn’t it?”

“I always make you feel so good.”

“You deserve this, all of this,” he says before pressing his lips to your clit. You’re just wet enough for him to fuck you on his fingers. Enough that when he bullies the bundle of nerves inside you, you coat his fingers in slick and whine. Your voice breaks, over and over, and little, unwanted tears leak into your hairline.

Keigo ignores them as usual. You can be so dramatic.

And Keigo, ever gracious, let’s you shatter on his fingers. Doesn’t make you beg, just whispered hushed adorations as you come undone on his tongue. He hardly toys with you after, and instead lets you fall into the sheets. Properly spend, though not exhausted.

You still shake, but that’s okay. It’s manageable.

Keigo cleans you up with a silken cloth. He wipes between the swell of your breasts, down your navel and to your cunt. His feathers ruffle as he does his work, clearly focused. There’s no speaking during it, only watching and observing.

“Thank you.” You speak without prompting.

Your words are dry and underused. Your lips feel chapped, and your vision is hazy in the dark of the bedroom.

Keigo gives you a smile (full of white-hot pride), clicking his tongue, “Of course, dovey. You deserve to feel good for me. I want you to. I like you like this.”

(He carries that same sentiment that no matter your ‘post-fuck’ state. Whether you’re twitching and dumb from overstimulation. Whether you’re bawling from pain and holding your hand over a too deep, ‘accidental’ wound. Whether your expression is blank, lips ajar, and face tilted to the ceiling.)

You can only agree with him.

What other option do you have?

...

(The doctor calls the following week. Keigo speaks to her in hushed tones from his office, muffled and stern. You only catch pieces of it.

“They do not appear to be suffering from anything specific illness.” The doctor pauses. “The weakness, fatigue, shakiness, forgetfulness, and nausea all seem to be tied back to prolonged anxiety. Constant surges of adrenaline that have pushed them to this point.”

Keigo doesn’t bother asking the source.

He knows it.

(And honestly? He seems a little proud.)

You return to settle on the couch. Ever practiced, you turn towards the door and find the locks.

One, two, three four—

That four one wouldn’t be too hard to pick, would it?

(You’d already tried months ago. It was just a chain lock, but Keigo had nearly snapped your wrist when he caught you trying to tamper with it.)

Five, six, seven—

Your stomach rolls and your hug your knees, still managing a smile when Keigo rejoins you. His wings flex, and he flashes you a golden smile. His phone is locked and in his hand, and you know he’ll ignore it for the night. He’ll wrap you in his arms and smother you with his wings.

It’s better this way, you remind yourself, turning from the locks.

#salem writes #tw noncon #tw dubcon #tw dark content #tw yandere #tw vomit #it's vomit from illness btw #tw self injury #please lemme know if i miss a tag #hawks x reader #yandere hawks #i might delete this or repost to my side blog sdklfjla #we will see #for now it is here

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alj4890 · 3 years

Note

I have an ask? What if Liam got Riley pregnant when they first met in New York? Would he still have to go through the social season? Would she have to raise a baby on her own would Liam find a way to help?

Ooooohhhh. Interesting. That would be quite the conundrum for them, wouldn't it? Especially since the social season starts the very next day after he visited her bar. Hmmm. Let's see what I can do with that time frame. I'm going on the assumption that the social season lasts at least three months with all the parties and traveling they do. Which will help out with the pregnancy part 😉 I think she would still go and take part in the social season since she wouldn’t know she was pregnant yet, but it would definitely alter how things end in book 1.

Masterlist

@gkittylove99 @darley1101 @krsnlove @kingliam2019 @texaskitten30 @yourmajesty09 @mom2000aggie @ofpixelsandscribbles @twinkleallnight @lodberg @twinkleallnight @amandablink @neotericthemis @mm2305

Aftereffects

Three months earlier...

"Well?" Riley tilted her head to study Liam's profile. "What do you think?"

He cleared his throat. Lips parted, yet no words were formed. Liam had so many emotions hitting him all at once that a mere stranger had made his one wish come true.

His eyes went from the Statue of Liberty to the woman responsible for him being able to see it.

"I'm speechless." He lowered his head, lips curving in a shy smile. "I've never been so moved in my life than I am in this moment with you."

She smiled and turned her attention toward the iconic monument. "She's really something, isn't she?"

He turned toward Riley. His eyes traveled down her beautiful face softly lit by the dull light coming from the ferry they were on and the sliver of moonlight from above.

"Yes," he moved closer to her. "She really is."

Riley looked up at him. Her heart raced at the tender longing she saw in his eyes. He seemed so lonely. So in need of encouragement. So in need of affection.

Before he could step away, she snagged his lips in a tender kiss.

He froze for two seconds before crushing her to him. He allowed all the feelings he kept to himself pour out as a fuel to draw moans from her. The desperation he had been feeling since his brother abdicated didn't seem to exist around this woman.

His kisses traveled down her neck.

"Liam." She sighed when he returned to her mouth.

Her arms wrapped around his neck as he pressed her back against the railing.

"I don't want this night to end." He murmured.

It took a physical effort to stop.

"Neither do I." She cupped his cheek. "I know you leave tomorrow."

He nodded, already feeling the heavy yoke that was about to be thrust upon his shoulders.

"It's not quite tomorrow though." She kissed along his jaw as she whispered. "We can still enjoy the rest of tonight."

"Riley, I--you know I must choose--I couldn't do that and simply leave you to search for a bride." He felt guilty just thinking about it.

He would be the worst sort of cad possible if he were to spend the night in her arms.

He shouldn't have pursued her. The moment she had turned around and greeted him in the bar, he had thought of nothing else except getting to know more about her.

"I want you." She whispered. "If tonight is all we have, then let's make the most of it."

"You have no idea how much I want you." He kissed her once more, completely unable to resist her.

******************

Two and a half months later...

Maxwell winced when he heard the noises coming from Riley's bathroom. Bracing himself, he timidly knocked upon the door.

"You okay in there, blossom?"

"What--" she heaved into the toilet, "do you think?"

"Maxwell!" Bertrand snapped. "What is the hold up. She should have been downstairs fifteen minutes ago."

His eyes widened at the sounds of vomiting.

"Is she ill?" He whispered.

Maxwell shrugged.

"She seemed fine last night." Bertrand thought over the past few days.

"She has been more tired than usual." Maxwell narrowed his eyes in concern. "And this isn't the first time I've heard her throwing up."

Bertrand's stern demeanor turned to worry. "You don't think she's..."

"Think she's what?" Maxwell asked.

"We have been pressuring her to wear the right clothes. I hope we haven't caused her to think she needs to lose weight." Bertrand explained.

Maxwell's eyes widened. He would never be able to forgive himself if he had made Riley think less of her natural beauty.

"Riley!" He anxiously knocked again when they heard nothing but silence. "Can we come in?"

"Sure." Her weak response was followed by her unlocking the door.

The brothers walked inside and saw her sitting in the floor.

Maxwell wet a rag and crouched beside her. He gently cleaned the sweat off her brow, his worry was now off the charts at the half hearted smile she gave him.

"Thanks." She lifted her eyes to Bertrand. "I'm sorry. I know I'm supposed to be outside for the--"

"Don't concern yourself with that." He tempered his usual gruff tone. "We must take care of you first."

Tears filled her eyes at how kind he was being. He wasn't berating her or telling her that House Beaumont needed her to win Liam. She wondered where this Bertrand had been hiding. Tears began to trickle down her cheeks as the brothers discussed ways to help her feel better.

He ordered Maxwell to pick her up and carry her to her bed.

As she settled back against her pillows, he called down to the kitchen and ordered a tray of soup, crackers, and tea to be brought up.

By the time he was finished, she was crying in full force.

"Riley!" Maxwell sat down on her bed and tried to hug her. "Please tell us what's wrong."

Bertrand reached for her hand. "You do know how lovely you are, right?"

Her eyes widened at that odd question.

"We think you shouldn't change at all." Maxwell added.

"Indeed. Many of the dresses in the boutique are," Bertrand's frown firmed as he tried to think of a way to keep her from thinking her body was at fault, "they aren't properly made. One can never go by sizes there."

"And you're size is perfect. Liam can't keep his eyes off you." Maxwell added. "In fact, you could probably add on some weight and be even more beautiful."

"Indeed." Bertrand latched on to that. "Size does not matter. It is what is on the inside that counts."

Riley lifted her head. "What are you talking about?"

"You're," Maxwell mimed vomiting.

"You must stop." Bertrand added. "You do not need to lose weight."

"I'm not doing it on purpose." She shook her head.

It touched her heart though that they wouldn't want her developing an eating disorder.

"I don't know what's caused this." She explained. "The weirdest smells and motions seem to set it off. Like yesterday, the smell of tomatoes had me running for a bathroom and I've always loved tomatoes."

"Could it possibly be your nerves?" Bertrand sat down at the foot of the bed. "The social season can take a toll on even the most seasoned noble."

"I don't think so." Riley mumbled. "It's like my energy has suddenly been depleted. Of course that could be because of the vomiting."

"So what caused it to start?" Maxwell asked.

"How long has it been going on?" Bertrand added.

"I don't know what set it off. It's been going on for a couple of weeks, but it is getting worse."

"Hmm." Bertrand and Maxwell shared a glance.

"Riley, I hope you don't think badly of me for asking," Bertrand struggled to inquire into something so personal. "But, have you, er...did you..."

She lifted her eyebrows in silent question.

"Before you joined us, were you involved with anyone?" He closed his eyes in embarrassment.

"Involved?"

"Any previous boyfriends or hookups before Liam?" Maxwell clarified.

"Oh!" Her cheeks heated with color. "No. I actually haven't been in a relationship for almost a year now." She lowered her eyes. "I had a bad relationship with a guy and decided to focus on myself once I got out of it."

Bertrand relaxed some. "A wise decision."

"So no one night stands?" Maxwell prodded.

"I've never been that type of..." Her eyes widened. She had been that type for one incredible night.

It was the driving force in making her decision to come to Cordonia in the first place.

"Oh no." She breathed. "The night I met you," her eyes held Maxwell's shocked gaze, "Liam and I sneaked away and..."

Bertrand shot up off the bed. "Wait here."

*****************

"We must be certain." Bertrand stressed. "The bloodwork must confirm what the test showed." His frown was fierce as he stood before the physician. "Discretion is a must in this situation."

"I'll have the results by this evening." The doctor replied. "And only I will run the lab work for Ms. Brooks."

"Here's my number." Riley scribbled it out quickly. "If I don't answer, please send a text and voicemail."

Once he was gone, she sagged back on the bed.

"What do we do now?" Maxwell asked.

"We have a ball to prepare for." Bertrand held up a silk dress. "We missed today's events, but we must make an appearance tonight. Everyone will begin to talk if we don't."

Riley nodded. Her mind though was whirling with the knowledge that she was pregnant.

How will Liam react? Will he be upset? Will he hate me for allowing it to happen? Will he think I'm trying to trap him?

How do I tell him?

Taking the dress, she forced herself to get ready.

***************

"Have you seen Riley any today?"

Drake shook his head. "No. Why?"

"That's strange." Liam folded his arms.

He wondered if something was wrong. He hated that he couldn't spend every single moment with her. What if she had reached the end of her patience with this suitor situation?

He shook his head when Drake offered him a drink.

"You've got it bad." Drake teased.

"Got what?"

"Love."

"I do?"

"Are you saying you aren't in love with Brooks?" Drake smirked. "I've seen you with her. Ever since she showed up at the masquerade ball, you haven't looked at any of the other ladies trying to win you."

Liam couldn't help but smile over that. It was true. His night with Riley in New York had been the most magical of his life. Each moment he had spent with her since then all but reaffirmed that she was the only one for him.

He was thrilled at how the people of Cordonia had fallen for her. The press had only positive things to say about The American that had come to win his hand.

He could picture her smile when she approached him at the masquerade ball.

"I think we both know we have something special. One night together will never be enough for me." Riley whispered as he kissed her hand.

"I agree." He held her hand a moment longer than was deemed appropriate. "It isn't enough." His bright blue eyes shined against the silver demi mask. "Are you certain I'm worth going through these next few months? What if--"

"We end up with our happily ever after?" She finished for him.

He knew he had completely lost his heart in that moment. Our happily ever after. Her optimism that they could have that helped him through every step of this social season. She was the prize he knew he could claim once he passed the final hurdle to be king.

He spent his time in dull conversations daydreaming about their future. How beautiful she would be as a bride. How comforting she would be as they dealt with his father's illness and troubles of their small nation.

Then he dreamed of the family they would have. He hoped they had many children, each with her infectious smile and kindness.

He hoped she would say yes when he asked her to marry him. Even if they never had all these other dreams of the future, he would at least have her and her love.

Then all of this would be well worth it.

He did worry about his father's reaction to the time he spent in her company. Whenever Liam attempted to discuss his feelings about Riley, Constantine would point out another lady of the court. He wouldn't allow his son to go ahead and make a decision.

"You better head downstairs." Drake finished off his drink. "Can't have a ball around here without the prince."

****************

"Any word yet?" Bertrand whispered.

Riley shook her head.

He softly cursed, causing her to burst into laughter.

"I'm sorry." She giggled when he shushed her. "But I would have bet a lot of money that you would never say that word."

He rolled his eyes. "Be that as it may, you should go mingle."

****************

"Lady Riley?" Liam gently tapped her shoulder. "May I have this dance?"

She turned around with a start. "I'd love to."

He took her hand and placed it within the bend of his arm. "You look beautiful tonight."

She gently squeezed his arm. "Thank you." Her eyes lifted to his. "And you're as handsome as always."

"I don't know about that." He winked at her. "But as long as you think so, then I'm content."

He took her in his arms as a waltz began.

"Let's not spin as much as we normally do." She pleaded when he twirled her.

His brow furrowed. "Is something wrong?"

"No!" She said quickly. "Just, um, a little motion sickness from time to time."

"I see." He kept his gaze upon her face. "I missed you today."

"You did?"

"I always do whenever you're not around." He admitted with a sheepish grin.

"That's so--" she felt the vibration of her phone.

She stopped dancing, causing Liam to nearly trip

"Riley, is something--"

"Excuse me, I have to--that is--this is from--" she ducked out a nearby door before all her revelations came tumbling out.

***************

She plopped down on the edge of a small couch and read the message from the doctor.

Hitting the link, she read the results of her bloodwork.

Her breaths came in and out in short gasps.

I'm really pregnant.

"Riley?"

All the color drained from her face as she looked up at Liam.

He shut the door to the ballroom and knelt before her.

"What is it?" He took her icy hand in his. "Is something wrong?"

She licked her dry lips and tried to tell him.

"Yes. No. I'm not sure."

He pressed a kiss to her hand. "Whatever it is, I will do all that I can to help you."

She blinked back tears. "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything." He laced his fingers with hers.

"Do you," she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, "do you love me?"

"I do." He admitted. "I had planned on telling you during the Coronation Ball."

"Really?" Her eyes narrowed. "I need you to be completely honest with me right now."

"I am." He lowered his gaze to their clasped hands. His thumb brushed against her skin. "I know I'm not supposed to say anything until then, but you are the one I will pick to marry," he looked up at her, "if you want to."

She bit down on her bottom lip. "Do you want children?"

"Yes, and not just for the continuation of the Rhys holding the crown." His smile gentled. "I want a family with you, selfishly for myself. I want all the holiday memories spent with them, watching them see the world with wonder, and seeing our traits passed on, especially yours." He chuckled. "Heaven help me if we have a daughter like you. I will be completely wrapped around her little finger."

Riley couldn't believe she was hearing all she needed to from him.

He really is Prince Charming. My Prince Charming.

"Do you remember the night we met?" She asked.

"How could I forget?"

She grimaced at the worry that still gnawed at her mind.

"My love," Liam sat down beside her. "Please tell me what troubles you."

"I had not been with anyone in a long time." She began. "I mean, no one for months when we spent the night together."

Liam merely listened, wondering where she was going with this.

"I didn't think in the heat of the moment. I should have. It was irresponsible, but I was so swept off my feet..." She took a deep breath. "And I found out today that I'm pregnant."

His fingers tightened around hers.

"I'm sorry. I know with the--"

"Pregnant?" Liam interrupted her. "You're certain?"

"The doctor just sent me the results of my blood work. That with the test I took and the physical exam confirms it." Her eyes widened when he suddenly stood up and took her into his arms.

The kiss he gave her weakened her knees. His arms held her as if she was the most delicate piece of porcelain.

"Marry me." He said between kisses.

"That kinda was the whole point of me coming here." She teased, once she saw how happy he was.

He smiled against her lips. "Is that a yes?"

"It is."

He stepped back and took hold of her hand. With quick strides he had them back in the ballroom.

Waving the conductor to stop the music, he held his hand up. "May I have your attention please!"

The court stilled as all eyes turned toward him.

Ignoring the hushed questions coming from his father, he settled his arm around Riley's waist.

"Lady Riley has made me the happiest man this evening. She has accepted my proposal of marriage and has told me that within a few months or so," he turned his adoring gaze upon her, "we will have an heir to the throne."

Constantine staggered back at this announcement. He had no idea the couple had become that close.

Regina called for champagne to be brought to all the guests as she embraced the young couple.

Liam held his glass up. He decided to force his parent to officially accept Riley in front of the entire court. He suspected that if he had not announced the fact they were expecting, that Constantine would find a way to break their engagement. He didn't know why he felt such unease with his father when it concerned Riley, but he wasn't going to leave anything to chance when it concerned her.

"Father? Would you like to give the toast?"

Constantine cleared his throat. Seeing no way around it, he stepped forward and lifted his glass. He hoped for Liam's sake that this woman would not be detrimental to his rule.

"To my son and the lady he has chosen. May they have all the happiness that I have found with my own queen and may their new family continue to serve Cordonia with grace and honor." He turned toward them. "To Liam and Riley!"

#choices the royal romance #liam x riley #choices the stories you play #choices fan fiction #trr liam

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