#im going to cry myself to sleep they deserved better | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

reystenius-01 · 5 months

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Sweet and Sour

Summary: Alexia comes home from that game to a sick reader. Comfort and fluff ensues.

(okay theres a bit of angst as well, i couldn't help myself, im sorry 😭)

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Alexia didn’t know whether to cry, to yell, or to hurl a water bottle against the nearest surface. They had lost. Barça had lost. Their first defeat of the season could not have come at a more dangerous time, in the first leg of the Champions League Semi-Final.

It was their first home defeat in five years, as well.

And to add salt to the wound, you weren’t around. You weren’t at the game today. You were at home, incredibly ill to the point where looking at a screen hurt your brain. You weren’t there for Alexia to cling onto, to reassure her that everything would come up blaugrana at the end of the day.

At least, though, you were at home, getting better for the second leg. You’d save them, Alexia told herself, as she applauded the fans for coming and attending. The fans deserved better than whatever the hell that performance was out there.

God, it kept replaying in her head. That miss. That fucking miss.

She could’ve levelled it, put her team on some somewhat stable ground for the away leg at Stamford Bridge. A part of her shattered when that ball went wide, it took majority of her willpower to get right back up afterwards.

The little head-slaps she usually gave Vicky were lighter now, only just. As much as Alexia would love to give Jona a piece of her mind (she’d do that tomorrow at the latest), you were waiting for her at home.

The mere thought nearly brought her to her knees.

Though she knew that you would understand, that you would be the usual radiating beam of positivity that you always were despite feeling like you got hit by a truck, a part of her feared that you’d be disappointed, not just of the team, but of her.

Alexia was brought out of her thoughts as Jona walked into the locker room. The usual post-match speeches were given, but a chunk of Alexia’s brain was just all mush after that game. It was mostly a blur, and she could hardly remember what she had said in her own speech. Thankfully, she didn’t need to do media. The last thing she needed right now, especially in her current headspace, was for some reporters trying to bait her into making a scathing comment.

She wanted to go home to you. And at the same time, she didn’t.

The team bus was mostly silent on the way back to the training ground, a few of the girls conversing in hushed tones, some faint music coming from the back of the bus. Alexia hadn’t texted you yet. You needed the sleep, so you could get better and get back to the team.

Salma’s head was on her shoulder, the girl having fallen asleep a few minutes into the bus ride. Alexia’s heart went out to the girl, and she had encouraged her to keep her head up.

The minutes went by like a blur, and before Alexia knew it, they were back at the training ground. The radio played faintly in her car as she drove back to your shared home, making a quick stop at the pharmacy to pick up your antibiotics, since the pharmacist had called her to let her know that your required dose for tonight was ready.

The first thing Alexia noticed when she got home was the smell of soup. You must’ve made some boxed instant soup or something, her thoughts confirmed when she saw the box and the seasoning packets. There was still some soup left in the pot on the stove. Well, there was dinner sorted.

She set the bag from the pharmacy down on the kitchen counter before heading upstairs to check on you. She quietly entered the bedroom, and saw you curled up in bed, your breathing steady and peaceful. She smiled softly, grateful to see you resting. You could be a little stubborn at times.

Carefully, she approached the bed and sat down beside you, reaching out to gently brush a strand of hair from your face, also gently holding her hand against your forehead to check on your fever. Thankfully, it wasn’t that bad anymore.

“Hey, amor,” she whispered, her voice barely above a murmur. “I’m home.”

You stirred slightly, blinking sleepily as you looked up at her. “Hey, pretty girl,” you murmured, clearing your throat and sitting up a bit so you could lean against the headboard. “How are you? How was the game?”

Alexia hesitated for a moment, trying to find the right words. She didn't want to disappoint you with the loss, especially when you were just starting to feel better.

“It was... challenging,” she said finally, hating how small she sounded. “But you know how it is. Win some, lose some.”

Your brow furrowed slightly, concern flickering in your eyes. You knew your girlfriend the same way you knew how to breathe. There was no way she’d ever use the words ‘win some, lose some’ to describe a game, especially a Champions League semi-final, at home no less.

You studied her for a moment, your eyes searching her face. “Lex, what's wrong?” you asked gently, sensing her reluctance to talk about it.

Alexia hesitated, her heart heavy with the weight of her missed chance, chewing a little on the inside of her cheek. “I... I had a chance to level the score,” she confessed, her voice barely above a whisper. “But I missed.”

Your heart broke then and there, not because of the loss at all. Your girlfriend, the Alexia Putellas and the two-time Ballon D’or winner looked so… small in front of you. Your expression softened with understanding, and you reached out to take her hand in yours. “Hey, it's okay,” you said soothingly, your voice filled with reassurance. “That’s football, love.”

Alexia noticed you shift closer to her a bit, your thumb stroking the back of her hand gently. You were keeping your distance a bit, not wanting to get your girlfriend sick, even more so now.

“But it was such an important game,” Alexia said, her voice trembling with emotion. “And I let everyone down.”

You shook your head, gently squeezing her hand. “You didn't let anyone down, Lex. You gave it your all out there, and that's all anyone can ask for. We win and lose as a team,” Alexia wasn’t looking at you, but you were looking at her, studying her. You could see her biting her bottom lip to keep herself from crying in front of you. “Mi vida, mírame.”

Alexia nibbled on her lip some more, before shaking her head. Your hand left hers, reaching up to gently hold her chin and encourage her to look at you. “Ale, mi niña bonita. Please look at me.”

She let you turn her face to face yours, and your thumb immediately reaching up to wipe away the tears that were escaping the corners of those gorgeous hazel eyes.

Your heart ached for her. She looked so vulnerable in that moment, and it pained you to see her so torn up over the match. “Alexia, listen to me,” you said, your voice firm but gentle as you wiped away her tears, albeit a little croaky as well. “You are so much more than just one missed chance. You are strong, talented, and resilient. And no matter what happens on the field, I am always going to be proud of you.”

Alexia's breath caught in her throat as she looked into your eyes, seeing nothing but love and admiration reflected back at her. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, her voice trembling with emotion.

“Don't apologise, amor,” you said softly, shaking your head. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Alexia shook her head, a shaky sigh escaping her lips. “I just... I hate feeling like I disappointed the team, the fans… and you.”

You reached out, cupping her cheek gently in your hand. “You didn't let anyone down, Ale,” you insisted, completely sure of what you were saying. “You're an incredible player and an amazing captain. And I couldn't be prouder of you–”

You doubled over, turning your head away to cough into your arm, your other hand patting your chest.

“Amor,” Alexia all but jumped to your side, hand rubbing your back despite you trying to keep her at a distance so that she didn’t get sick.

“I’m…” Another stream of coughs escaped you, and Alexia pulled away briefly to pour you a glass of water. “I’m fine, Ale, thank you.”

You accepted the glass, taking a few sips to soothe the irritation you felt in your throat, massaging it gently. “Maybe you should take some medicine,” she suggested, worry evident for your health.

“After this,” you set the glass on the bedside table, grabbing Alexia’s hands again and getting her to sit beside you. “It's okay to feel disappointed, Lex, but don't let one moment define you. You are capable of so much more than you realise, and I know you know that.”

Tears continued to stream down Alexia's cheeks, but there was a glimmer of hope in her eyes as she listened to your words. “I just want to make you proud,” she admitted, her voice slightly above a whisper, sounding more like herself now.

“Oh, bebita,” you murmured, your voice soft just like your smile as you bunched up your sleeve, wiping at Alexia’s cheeks. “You already make me proud every single day.”

Alexia sniffled, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips. “Even when I miss crucial chances in important games?”

“Even then,” you replied without hesitation, your gaze locked with hers. “Because you give your all out there, and you never give up. You always fight, and fight to make up for it.”

“You always know just what to say,” she whispered, a soft sigh escaping her as she looked at you.

“What can I say? I’m just so wise,” you replied, pulling a face, making Alexia chuckle and lightly shove your shoulder. “Hey, no bullying the weak and feeble!”

“You aren’t f-fuh–?” Alexia tried to copy your pronunciation, and with each attempt, your smile grew. “Amor!”

“What?”

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Just…” Alexia put her hands on your shoulders. “You’re not weak.”

“I know, mi amor, I know. You aren’t either,” you put one of your hands on top of one of hers, gently caressing her knuckles. “We’re still in it. We’ve been here before, no?” You looked at her knowingly, yet so softly and so full of love.

“Mhm,” she hummed, her smile getting bigger.

“We just need a bit of faith and trust. No matter what happens, win or lose, you’re one of the most amazing people in my life,” you reached out to run your hand through Alexia’s hair, still a bit damp from her post-match shower. “Want me to brush your hair?”

“I want you… to take your medicine,” Alexia said with a smile, and you groaned.

“Is it the tablets?”

Alexia pursed her lips as she stood up, stifling a smile as she held out her hands for you to help yourself up out of bed.

“Amor,” you whined, kicking your feet a little like a child being denied ice cream from a street vendor.

“Come on, my tough and pretty and sexy girl,” Alexia wiggled her fingers. “You can handle a few pills, lovely.”

“I told you that a few months ago, and you banished me to an air mattress on the floor because you didn’t want me catching whatever bug you had,” You held onto her hands, standing up. Alexia’s large hands patted your waist a little before holding you gently. It was an adorable habit of hers. “And then, you proceeded to beg for me to come to bed with you just because you couldn’t stand being apart from me for the night.”

“Come, come,” Alexia had a smile on her face as you went on your little rant, leading you down the stairs to your inevitable fate of having to ingest some pills. You hated the feeling of pills in your throat, even when you took them with water. “Don’t be stubborn.”

“Alexia, don’t be mean to me, I am ill,” you stopped at the bottom step, Alexia looking up at you slightly, tilting her head and smiling at the sight of you pouting.

You grumbled when she wrapped her arms around your waist and picked you up into her arms, begrudgingly wrapping your legs around her waist to hold onto her as she carried you into the kitchen, “Be careful, you played a rough half of football.”

Alexia glanced at you, brow furrowed. You weren’t supposed to be on your phone or any technology for that matter.

“Mapi called,” you smiled innocently, fingers scratching her scalp, the midfielder closing her eyes at the feeling briefly. “It’s been a while since she used short sentences.” Alexia winced. “Too soon, yep, sorry.”

“The doctor said you need to have three tablets–” Alexia braced herself for the mush of words that were about to come out of your mouth.

“Amor!”

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#woso community #barca femeni #alexia putellas x reader #alexia putellas #woso fanfics #woso one shot #alexia x reader

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yandere-sins · 10 months

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Ivyyyyyyyy >.< you're the worsttttt(read: BEST) oh my god the thoughts im having abt dilic with a period kink rn. Gawd and he doesn't even know it's a period kink, he thinks it's absolutely normal to do nasty things with his girl while she's bleeding out and feels proud about it that HE can take her pain away

OMG continuing the diluc saga but yan dilic thinks darling's period is the perfect opportunity to finally put his hands on darling. He knows you're in pain so he promises, he's doing this for YOU not him (lies) he'll ease it in gently and make it feel good! Soon darling will forget all about those cramps bc of him him him! He doesnt need to feel as guilty bc he's helping you out.....right? OMG PLS write something abt thissss, it can be any yandere or oc but im going crazy after what u saiddd

Hehe, you're welcome! I began writing this as just a talk, but decided mid-way through to make it a scenario!

a/n: I wrote this before my hiatus and coming back to correct it, I found so many mistakes, it doesn't even feel like I wrote this smh... I did my best to polish it a bit since I can't see myself rewriting it in the future but if you find anything oddly worded just ignore it lol I wasn't myself back then :')

[Warning: Yandere, Sexual Content]

I can just see the cock cogs turning in this idiot's head as he racks his brain about how he can help you. Clearly, you're in pain, but no matter how many more times he calls a physician to have a look, they just keep waving off his concerns. It's normal, they say. You're healthy. That's what everyone has to go through.

And yet he sees you writhing and crying in pain—it's breaking his heart!

Pillow pressed to your stomach, tears in your eyes that you can't blink away fast enough before they fall. You're especially irritable, but it hurts him more when you whine and complain; Diluc wanting to help you now more than ever. He's already gone through the usual stuff, the imported water bottles from Snezhnaya and the chocolate from Fontaine. If you utter so much as a craving, he has the servants scramble to get it to you. Nothing is too expensive or too hard to get. You could have asked for the heads of your enemies, and Diluc would have brought them to you with ribbons and glitter if that had helped with your pains.

But alas, it doesn't.

It's been three days, and his nerves are raw, the bags under his eyes dark, and the burden of your health weighs heavily on Diluc. He can't see how things will ever get better. The other times you were on your period were conveniently skipped by business trips, so this is hitting him full force.

"Exercising might help," one of the maids suggests as he forces himself to consult someone more knowledgeable than him.

"Sometimes, my wife likes a little stimulation to alleviate the pain," a vintner chuckles, winking at Diluc as the word of his helplessness spreads. And suddenly, inappropriate ideas get stuck in his head, making him blush like a young lad in love.

»»———————— ♡ ————————««

Taking a deep breath, Diluc raised his hand to knock on your bedroom door. It was terribly late, the servants asleep and only the eery flickering of his candle guiding him through the night. Most likely, you were tugged in and fighting for your well-deserved sleep, so he hesitated, fist hanging in the air before slowly dropping it to his side.

What he was about to do was not only foolish but also filled him with the same burning in his body as using his vision did. He could feel the warmth sweep over him from his head to his toes, the latter curling in his shoes while most of the heat was throbbing between his legs, aching to connect with your warmth in a less-than-innocent way.

However, these feelings were nothing compared to the agony of the last few days.

If this was what he had to do to help you alleviate the pain, he would. If it was for you, Diluc would do anything in his power, whether to protect or help you. If he had to become a mere plaything so you'd be freed of the pain, then his concerns were a small sacrifice for all the good he was going to do.

Brushing his hair back, Diluc took a deep breath, reminding himself there was nothing wrong with wanting to help. If the method the vintner suggested worked, everyone would be happy. And if not, he'd keep searching for ways to free you of the pain. Turning the key in the door lock, he pulled it out before slowly entering your room, ensuring he could give you two the privacy needed in this situation.

To his surprise, you were still awake.

You made a half-hearted attempt at a greeting, but when you noticed it was him, you only scoffed, turning away. It hurt when you gave him the cold shoulder so callously, but Diluc knew you were the one suffering at that moment, not him. He could forgive you for being dismissive of him. Your bedside lamp was still on, and he could see you clutching a pillow to your belly, his own stomach cramping up with remorse, even though, logically, he knew it wasn't his fault. He loved you as you were, the good and bad days, your misery becoming his own much too easily these days.

Setting down the candle on your table, he walked over to you. But not before locking the door from the inside, just so he could give himself a few more seconds before his approach. Every step cost him a lot of discipline, being near you never having been this hard. Even when he looked confident around you, Diluc only ever felt weak. You made him vulnerable. Desperate. Longing for your love and affection was all he was allowed to do, so even just watching your chest rise and fall set him ablaze.

Pushing off his shoes, Diluc focused on the little space you left at the edge of the bed. It was the only space he could see that was reserved for him, as he didn't deserve to share your bed, in your opinion. Yet, when he climbed in, pulling the cover over himself and snaking his arm around your waist, he was enveloped in your scent, your hair tickling his skin as he breathed in deeply. Had he known that heaven was hiding so closely to him, he might not have waited so long to come and see you.

"What are you--" you complained, pushing yourself away from him. But Diluc's hand had already wandered beneath the pillow, feeling the hot water bottle you kept secured there, only to replace it with his palm. He was just as, if not hotter than anything the servants could procure for you; his body temperature naturally elevated from his vision. It wouldn't burn you, but with his hand hugging your lower belly, it was much more effective and fitting than any appliance might be.

And you fell for it, even if just for a split second.

For a moment, you leaned into the comfort of his palm, the pain vanishing in the blink of an eye. Diluc even caught you sighing briefly before you came to your senses, jolting and pushing away from him, only to get stuck inside the blanket and pressed up against him. Diluc couldn't help but grin, having read your actions before they even occurred to you, but of course, this was a serious matter, so he quickly composed himself.

"H-Hey!" you yelled as his hand drifted lower, his face burying into the nape of your neck. He wasn't there to dilly-dally but to be of service. To help you in your time of need. By the time Diluc pressed his lips to your skin and his fingers between your legs, you understood his intentions as well, perhaps misinterpreted, but clear as day.

He was going to fuck the pain away.

If exercise and stimulation helped others, maybe it would do the same for you. His fingers were met with warm slick, your body flinching when he moved over your clit. Perhaps his calloused hands weren't made for caressing and soft touches but for teasing and stimulating. Judging by how puffy your lower lips were, worked up from days of rubbing your legs together and your panties aggravating them mercilessly, you were in dire need of his help.

"Don't fight it. You're not alone in this," Diluc reassured you as you squirmed in his hold, biting back the salacious sounds of pleasure you were keeping from his ears. You were so mean, keeping every little taste of appreciation from Diluc, knowing how much it meant to him. But he'd endure. Even when your ass ground back against his cock, making it incredibly hard to not focus on his needs as well, he'd put you first in all of this.

When he slipped his pointer and middle finger towards your entrance, a tremor went through your body, a gasp slipping out from between your lips. Diluc never knew how easy it was to get inside another person, greeted warmly and happily by your hole clenching around his fingers.

His kisses became more fervent against your neck, teeth snapping out as he felt like he was losing himself in your scent and warmth. The pushes of his hips against your ass became faster, your cheeks fitting so well around his shaft. You yelled at him to stop, but he barely heard you through the sounds of your sloppy, wet cunt, blood mingling with eager juices to allow him more reach inside you. It was almost as if he could hear them beg for him to go deeper, which just wasn't possible with his knuckles in the way, no matter how much he tried.

Forgotten was the pain as pleasure raked its claws through both of you, and yet, Diluc still heard you whine and sob as he scissored his fingers through your inside. It wasn't enough. He opened his eyes he didn't know he had closed, staring at your expression curiously. All he saw was anger and disgust, your teeth bared and ready to snap, while he could feel your nails digging into his arm. And yet, when he found your eyes, he saw a very different version of events. Lust, desire, longing. You wanted more, and Diluc wouldn't refuse such a request.

Slipping a leg between yours, he pried them apart, spreading you open wide. You gasped, squirming and trying to cut off his access, but Diluc only had to lean back to steal your balance, your body reliant on his while he gained more space on your bed. The hardest part was freeing his cock from the restraint of his pants, the fabric soggy with both your juices as well as his own pre-cum pearling off the tip of his engorged cock.

Nothing could have prepared him for the feeling of your wet cunt greeting his eager cock. No imagining of this situation could have come close to the throbbing heat, your walls convulsing around his fingers in eager expectation. Diluc placed his tip against his fingers, planning to slip them out and take the opening to sink into you, but with how wet the combination of blood and juices was, he felt himself slipping away, kissing your clit instead.

And for the first time, you moaned.

It was the sound of angels and everything nice, and he drew his hips back, trying again to fill you with his cock, missing it just an inch. All good things are three, and when he finally plunged it deep inside your pussy, you weren't the only one yowling in pleasure. No matter what he had imagined his first time with you to be, nothing would ever top the mess he caused between your legs, his cock ready to burst as it pulsated violently inside your equally as ready cunt.

He could feel the waves of pleasure going through you, the shudders in your limbs as he began to slowly press forward, kissing the last few inches of his reach. You remained stiff as a plank, but when he pulled out halfway before sinking in deep again, you were unable to keep your mouth shut, an elongated moan making its way to Diluc's ears, letting him know it was the right thing after all.

Immediately, any hesitation fell off him as he dragged his cock out and sunk it back into you. Fingers retreated to your clit, continuing to slip off and assault the little knob over and over while your walls clenched around his shaft, making you feel every one of his throbs and ridges, the heat between you two almost scorching.

Part of him couldn't believe it worked. That he actually managed to help you with this trick. But he'd have been a liar if he said it wasn't a pleasure for him, too. Diluc could never have dreamed about your proficiency in driving him wild, from your hot, puffy pussy wrapping around him to the improper sounds he had never heard coming from your lips before. The blood kept you so wet and loud down there; it was like you were synching your moans with your pussy, sloppy as they were.

It couldn't have been better, a shudder going through you from head to toe, your feet curling as you gurgled. Diluc wrapped his free arm around your throat, pulling you against him and burying his face in your shoulder as you came hard, juices leaking out, red dripping on the clean sheets with the blanket long discarded.

You were gasping for air as he plunged right back into you, waiting but a mere few seconds of yours before pursuing his own orgasm. Selfishly, but unable to stop. Diluc was already too deep in it, quite literally, your orgasm making your inside tight around him, but it posed no challenge with how drenched you both were.

A strained groan escaped Diluc as he buckled, feeling the first squirts of cum shoot out of him before he drew back, popping out of your cunt and covering it in his cum. His tip got stuck on your clit, as his jizz ejected under the pressure of his orgasm, making you mewl as you were once again stimulated. It would be a mess to clean, but it had been worth it.

You two collapsed, spent and dirty, but Diluc slipped his palm back over your lower stomach, rubbing the collection of juices over your soft skin, leaving a red trail. Kissing the side of your head, he was trying to collect his breath and thoughts, barely able to think straight as the feelings of happiness and his relief kept him in a chokehold.

"Better?" he asked, his voice a blissful rumble as he pulled you firmer against him.

But all he was met with was a cold glare and tears in your eyes. "I-I'm sorry," he stuttered instinctively, immediately feeling bad. What had he done to upset you again? Your teeth were biting into your lip as if you were holding back a tirade of screaming, ready to explode.

His cock twitched between your legs, bloody and so, so wet.

"I'll make it better! I promise! I will definitely make it better," he tried to reassure you, dazed with pleasure as he was, unable to see the actual problem with all of this. Your body convulsed in shock as he pressed his tip upwards again, and you gasped loudly as he sunk his inches inside you. This time, he wouldn't fail to make you feel better. And until then, he'd keep going.

All night long, if he had to.

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dovveri · 4 months

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could you love me while i hate myself?

synopsis: y/n, nayeon, momo, and sana are in a polyamorous relationship. momo walks in on y/n self-harming for the first time in 7 months. they all try and talk and work through this together.

warnings: we got depression, suicidal ideation, self-harm (cutting), blood, sexual references, cursing - also this is poly!namosa if ur not into that but i love getting comfort from everyone i love so

w/c: 6.9k

a/n: sooo i wrote this in a day bcs im utilising my #depression as inspiration and lwk we love writing as a coping mechanism - i’m so fine tho i just need my meds to start working again LMAO and they will vvvv soon trust - but in the meantime i can pump out the sad stuff hehe! lwk forgot abt boo and dobby until like halfway thru writing this IM SO SORRY #fakefan and i wasn't bothered to write them back in so they js don't exist here oops!

⸸

fuck. fuck fuck fuck. the thoughts were coming. you wake up hazily, dream forgotten, arms wrapped around nayeon, legs entangled with the three people you loved most in the world. you don't deserve them. shut up!

you shut your eyes, trying to will away the thoughts. they were always there, always in the back of your head, always nagging, telling you that you didn't deserve to live, that you were a worthless piece of flesh born only to cause others suffering, or born with no purpose at all. there's no point to it all. just die. they'd be better off without you. they'd be happier without you.

you feel tears prick the corners of your eyes. it was so loud. you needed them to be quiet. to return to the depths of your mind. you curl in closer to nayeon, trying to breathe in the scent of her to distract you, feeling sana's breath on your hand, listening to momo's soft snores, they were the only thing grounding you. they pity you. that's why they've stuck around for so long. they know if they left you you'd break. they don't love you. it's pity. they'd be happier together. just the three of them. they didn't need you. you needed them. you were a burden to them. you need to leave so they can be happy. you want the best for them don't you? SHUT UP.

you couldn't take it anymore, you slowly unwrap yourself from your girlfriends. slipping your arms from around nayeon's waist and pulling your legs away from the mess of limbs. you look back at them, sleeping peacefully, watch their chests rise up and down with each breath, it's bittersweet. you had so much love for them. you turn around again and slip out the door, closing it softly behind you.

you pad softly towards the bathroom, entering it quietly and sighing, looking at yourself in the mirror. dark circles under red eyes, messy hair, disgusting. look at you. how could anyone love you? the thoughts were louder in the bathroom. almost echoing off crisp white walls. your grip on the sink tightens, you tear your gaze away from the mirror, letting your tears fall into the sink silently. why did i have be born like this? born like this? honey you're not different. everyone else is able to cope fine with trauma, with all the shit that happens in the world. you're just weak. weak, crying little bitch who can't deal with a couple sad emotions. don't think you're special. you're not. why can't i feel normal? you're not normal. you never will be. you'll always be that weird kid on the playground that no one wants to play with. grow up and get used to it already. why won't you leave me alone? i can't leave you alone. i am you. you are me. we're stuck together.

your head's splitting, you don't even realise you're crouched in on yourself now. hands gripping your head, nails digging into your scalp, anything to try and stop thinking. you wish you could just go back to sleep. sleep was easy. you didn't have to think when you were asleep.

that's right. sleep. sleep forever. run away from your problems. that's all you'll ever be good at right? running away. you ran away from your parents when they found out you were dating not one, not two, but three girls! whore! you left your brother and sister with them. they probably got the brunt of their anger. or maybe not. maybe they hate you too for being a fucking disappointment. it doesn't matter. they don't care about you. you left them. now leave your girlfriends. it'll be easier. leave. leave. run. do it.

your lip is trapped between your teeth. you're biting down so hard it draws blood. you're rocking yourself on the floor of the bathroom. pathetic. all you do is cry. grow up already. you can't take it. it was too much. you needed- needed-

you're reaching for the loose tile you know is second from the towel rack, opening it and finding your stash of emergency goods. you had meant to throw it away you just kept avoiding it and now... well you needed it now.

you take out a scalpel, go into the old routine of cleaning it down with an alcohol wipe, the motions that are familiar to you helping you drown out the thoughts already. they're still there though. they were always there. you'd be lonely without us wouldn't you? you actually enjoy being mentally ill don't you? take some sort of sick pleasure in it? is it comforting? it's easy to fall back into old habits isn't it?

once it's clean, you can see clearly again. you remove your pants, spreading your legs and look down at the scars that decorate the insides of your thighs. you take a breath, clearing your head as best you can, and bring the tip of the scalpel to start a new line.

the immediate relief when the blade enters your skin and you watch the scarlet liquid pour out of you is incredible. you're like an addict, drinking in the pain and using it to clear your mind. suddenly, the only sound you hear is the quiet of the bathroom and your own shallow breathing. you've never felt more at peace.

but it's only temporary. like everything is only temporary. seriously? this again? is this the best you can do to try and get rid of me? we talked about this you idiot. you're never getting rid of me. because we're the same. you just made yourself even uglier. congrats. good luck getting your girlfriends to ever touch you again after they see those.

fucking hell. you can't help it when your hands move to the start again, just under the new line you've created. you're about to push in again when you hear a gasp.

you look up in alarm, bloody scalpel in your hand, fresh cut on your thigh.

"m-momo."

"y/n- what-"

"it's not what it looks like i swear- fuck- oh my god- mo- please-" you're scrambling, trying to pull up your pants and cover yourself, dropping the scalpel onto the floor with a clang.

she's on you in seconds.

"no no sweetie it's okay i'm not- it's okay it's okay-" she's pulling you into a hug, and you start sobbing.

you're burrowing your head into her neck, sniffling and crying, she wasn't meant to find out. they were never meant to find out. now you've done it. good luck keeping them now. no way they're going to stay with you after this. better breathe her in while you can because she won't be yours in the morning.

you're squeezing her tight, crying and blabbering into her and she lets you. hushing and brushing through your hair, pressing light kisses along your forehead.

when she starts to pull away you panic, shaking your head against her, terrified she's leaving you and this is it.

"no sweetie i'm not going anywhere. i promise. we just gotta clean you up okay?"

she pulls away from you gently, opening the cabinets next to the sink to grab the first aid kit and comes down to sit next to you.

your sobs have ceded but you can't bear to look at her, staring down at the ugly scars on your legs.

"can i?" momo makes a gesture towards your legs and you shrug, moving closer to her so she can work.

she's quiet when she cleans the wound, focused.

you idiot you stupid fucking idiot. she hates you she thinks you're so gross and-

"do the others know?"

you don't trust your voice to speak so you shake your head.

"is this why you never let us touch you?"

you blush bright red, gripping the bottom of your shirt.

"you know we wouldn't have judged right?"

the tears are coming back, you feel them building up in your neck again, clogging it up, choking you.

"i'm sorry if we made you feel like we would have." momo's voice breaks then, and you look up. momo wasn't one to cry. sana tended to be the more emotional one, nayeon and momo cried too, just less often and definitely more private, momo just took a little longer to come to conclusions sometimes.

"y-you didn't." your voice is croaky when you speak up.

she sniffles a little, finishing cleaning and grabbing the bandages.

"a-are you mad?"

she sighs. "not mad. just... confused."

"i-i- i'm sorry. i'm sorry i didn't tell you guys i didn't- i thought you would think- i thought you might leave or think i'm too much or i don't know i-"

she finishes wrapping the bandage around your thighs, looking up at you then, her eyes shiny. "i could never leave you y/n. i love you. all of you. you, nayeon, and sana are my family."

you're crying again now, hands coming up to wipe at your tears. she gently helps you put your pants back on then pulls you into another hug, breathing shakily as she lets herself cry as well.

you cling onto her shirt, the confirmation that she was still here and she still loved you grounded you.

you both sit on the bathroom floor there, tightly wound around each other. you memorise the way her breathing comes in and out, focusing on the little hiccups, every single movement. it was quiet.

she pulls away from you, hands coming up to cup your cheeks, thumbs swiping along them. "do you want to talk about it?"

you shake your head.

"do you want to come back to bed then?"

you think a little, "i might sleep in the guest room tonight. i don't really... it's not that i don't want to sleep with you guys, i just-"

"is it okay if i join you in the guest room then?"

you look surprised, "why?"

"it's okay if you don't want me to. i just want to be with you if that's okay. to make sure you're safe for one, but also just because..." she sniffs, pushing a strand of hair behind your ear gently, "i love you and i want to make sure you sleep well."

the tears well up again. "of course. it's not you i just- i don't want sana and nayeon to find out like this."

momo nods, pressing a gentle kiss onto your nose, "i understand. do you want anything before bed? water? a snack?"

you smile tiredly against her, still in a sort of disbelief she was still here. "i'm okay. let's go to bed."

momo nods again, standing up and pulling you with her, but she stops again suddenly, looking down, "does it hurt?"

you wince, "not really. i mean the point is kinda for it to hurt." your eyes widen when momo frowns, "but it doesn't! not anymore i mean. i kinda got used to it." her frown deepens, "i mean no not like that! like- well yes- but-"

"it's okay y/n. i want to know these things. if you're okay with sharing them." she's sincere when she looks at you, and then she's pulling you along towards the guest room. your heart drops a little when you pass by the master bedroom, thinking of nayeon and sana sleeping peacefully inside, wrapped around each other blissfully unaware, but momo squeezes your hand and you look back towards her, following her into the guest room.

she turns on the lamp light and starts removing all the extra pillows and everything that were only really there for decoration. once she's done, she starts ushering you into bed and you laugh a little at her earnestness, "you don't have to treat me any different momo. i'm still the same person."

she frowns, climbing into bed after you, "i just found out about a massive part of your life that you've been hiding from us. you're not the same person to me. not when i've only known half of you."

you still at that, unable to look her in the eye as she fumbles around with the blanket, covering both of you and then sliding an arm over your side.

"i'm sorry." you whisper once she's turned off the light and snuggled in close to you.

she takes a breath, "you don’t have to be sorry. i'm here now. i'm sorry it took me so long. but i'm here now. and i'm not leaving."

"even if i'm not the same person to you anymore?"

she finds your eyes in the darkness, "y/n i didn't mean it like that. i fell in love with half of you. i just found out there's another half that i can also love now. you're the same person, you just have more to you than we knew. and i want to know more about that so i can be a better girlfriend for you."

"you already are a great girlfriend."

she sighs, a hand trailing down your back, drawing random shapes, you curl in closer to her.

"i wanted to throw it all away. i wanted to tell you all. i just-"

she hums, letting you think out your words, continuing to trace patterns into your back, eyes locked on yours.

"it was hard. and i didn't think i'd need to say anything because i was doing good. i hadn't done it in so long. i don't know why today i just- i lost control again."

"y'know nayeon would say just because you haven't done it in so long doesn't mean you were better. it just means you stopped thinking about it but that didn't get rid of the problem. which is why eventually the problem came back."

you smile at her, poking her cheek, "you've been hanging out too much with nayeon."

momo whines, "we're girlfriends! of course i hang out with her!"

"you're right though. i'm sorry. i stopped cutting when we all started dating. i think i got swept up in all the excitement and the love but once the novelty wore off and i grew more comfortable with being in a relationship with all of you, some of the bad thoughts started to come back."

"what sort of bad thoughts?"

"...like that i'm not good enough for you- or that the three of you would be happier without me, or that i don't want to... that i didn’t deserve to live or that it’d be better if i wasn’t- y’know… alive-"

you can see the shine in momo's eyes and feel your own start to well up again while you talk. she lets you speak though, just lays there, stroking your back softly while listening to you.

when you're finished its quiet save for the occasional sniffle from either of you.

"do you still think that? that you're not good enough for us?"

you hum contemplating whether to be honest or to try not to hurt her, you decide you’ve hurt her enough and it was time to be honest, she was still here after all, she wasn’t going to leave you, "...yeah."

she's pressing her lips gently against yours, barely there, almost as if she's asking permission, and you press against her softly back to say yes. you can taste the salt of her tears in the kiss, its short, reassuring. you break away with a tender smile.

"i can't speak for the others. but i don't think we could work if we weren't the four of us. you know that sana and i tried to date when we were younger right? and it didn't work out? because we always felt like there was something missing. but once we all got together, it feels right to love each other like this. i think it'd be the same if you left. i think it'd feel like something was missing and i wouldn't be able to stay either. i'm not saying that to pressure you into staying like a 'if you leave i leave' kinda thing. i'm just saying that you are needed in this relationship and i don't think we would be happier without you, i don't even think we'd work without you, without any one of us."

god you didn't deserve her. you loved her so much.

"and the other stuff... we don't have to talk about that now but... if you're open to it in the future, i want to help you find some outside help if that's okay? you don't have to answer me now, just think about it, because i want to help, but i don't think we can do this alone."

you nod, lips quivering while she smiles at you, noses touching.

"thank you momo."

"of course sweetie. i love you."

"i love you too. so much."

she pecks you again, then places your hand over her chest, and you can feel the calm thumps of her heart.

she closes her eyes, lips only centimetres apart, you follow her lead, focusing on the feeling of her heartbeat rather than the thoughts, letting that fill your head, and slowly, you drift back into sleep.

⸸

you wake up with a dull sting on the inside of your thighs. you curse internally when you realise that it was because you had self-harmed for the first time in months. but then you feel a familiar hand tracing lines down your back, and the smell of soft peaches and you recall that momo had found you cutting yourself. but the way she's tracing your back means she's still here and she hasn't left and that you're still okay.

momo realises you're awake, moving her hand to your hair and brushing the pieces that have fallen over your face. "hi sweetie."

"mm morning. what time is it?"

she giggles a little, "its 5pm actually. i didn't want to wake you. nayeon and sana should be back home soon."

you startle, "what?! 5pm?! where did they go? did they-"

"shh shh no it's okay. i woke up early and made everyone breakfast. when they came in they asked where you were. i told them you slept in the guest bedroom because you weren't feeling well. they wanted to see you but i told them to let you rest. i don't think you should hide this from them for much longer though y/n."

you sigh, relaxing back into her embrace, "i know. i'll tell them when they get back." you can feel the anxiety beginning to chip away at you as soon as the words leave your mouth. you'd thought about it before in the past, about how they'd react. on the worst end of the spectrum, they'd leave you, thankfully momo hasn't done that yet. and realistically you don't think nayeon and sana will either. but there was always that fear in the back of your head. it was more likely that sana would feel hurt and start crying and nayeon would get angry that you didn't trust them with the information. both of which you didn't really want to deal with because you didn't want to cause any of them any negative emotions. but if you didn't tell them, it would mean forcing momo to keep a secret for you and have her constantly go around on tip-toes while worrying over you. it wouldn't be fair and you’d essentially be self-sabotaging your own relationship.

momo breaks you out of your thoughts when she uses her hand to rap lightly against your forehead, "what's going on in there sweetie?"

you shake her off giggling and she smiles, "nothing i'm just thinking about how to tell them is all."

"do you want me to be there?"

you look up at her, her eyes are sincere and caring, you could stare into them for the rest of your life, "yes please, if that's okay with you."

momo squeezes you against her even tighter, planting a kiss on your forehead and murmuring against it, "of course it's okay with me. i'd love to be there."

you smile against her, reminded of your eternal gratefulness and love you have for her, before your stomach starts to growl and you pull away embarrassed while momo starts to laugh that adorable, contagious laugh of hers.

you whine, climbing out of bed as she toddles along behind you, still laughing when you enter the bathroom.

you pick up your toothbrush and start to brush your teeth when you notice that the bathroom's been cleaned up since last night. there's no more blood on the floor and you look briefly over at momo who's standing on that tile looking at you carefully, the hint of a laugh still on her face.

"youscdonthaftawatchmeyknow."

she giggles when some toothpaste dribbles out of your mouth, tilting her head indicating she didn't catch what you said.

you spit out the toothpaste and repeat yourself, "you don't have to watch me y'know."

"i know."

you squeeze some of your facial wash into your hand, staring at her in the mirror when she doesn't move, still looking at your reflection with a gentle smile.

you shrug, closing your eyes and beginning to wash your face. you go through all the motions of your morning routine, and when you finish up and turn around to wipe your hands on the hand towel, she's still standing there watching you.

you clear your throat, leaving the bathroom and moving towards the kitchen. you hear her footsteps padding along behind you.

she overtakes you once you reach the kitchen, going towards the fridge and pulling out a few things. you sit at the kitchen benchtop and watch her reheat a few dishes that she must have made for breakfast and lunch.

"where did nayeon and sana go?"

"to the shops. we were meant to go check out that new bakery together in the city but i figured may as well let you rest, we can go another day."

"oh crap i'm so sorry i forgot! i would've woken up i'm so sorry-"

"it's okay sweetie don't worry. they were both fine to reschedule, they were more concerned about you than missing out on the bakery."

"why didn't you go out shopping with them?"

"i wanted to stay home with you."

"i was asleep."

momo hums, taking the food out of the microwave, "i didn't mind. here." she sets a bowl of sundubu jjigae in front of you and then goes to scoop out a bowl of rice from the rice cooker as well. you spent a lot of the last 24 hours crying but you can't help the tears that well up in you again at the smell. this was one of the first dishes momo made for the four of you when you moved in together.

"do you want me to feed you?" momo's joking as she slides the bowl of rice over, but when you look up at her and she realises you're crying she quickly panics, "i mean i can! if you want!" she's frantically rummaging for a spoon and scooping out some rice and stew and holding it out to you.

you laugh, wiping at your eyes with your sleeve, adoring the way she tilts her head like a confused puppy in bewilderment, a small pout appearing on her lips.

you lean up and take the spoonful into your mouth, chewing and swallowing before leaning across to peck her on the lips. "i just love you is all you idiot."

momo blushes and you take the chance to grab the spoon from her and start eating the meal yourself.

she pouts and is about to whine when you both hear the door open, the telltale sign of keys jangling and the happy chattering of your other two favourite people in the world.

"momo! we got that ice cream y/n likes but i still don't think it's a good idea for her to eat it if she's sick!" nayeon's yelling from the door, probably taking off her shoes and you can hear a short squeal and something crash followed by laughter and you know sana has probably knocked something down or fallen over.

you raise your eyebrows at momo who shrugs and grins sheepishly, grabbing nayeon and sana's mugs and filling them with water.

when they come into the kitchen all loud and giggles its a sight for sore eyes. nayeon's kissing momo hello and setting the bags of shopping they have down. sana rounds the corner with more bags and that infectious smile. you loved all of them so much.

nayeon spots you first, frowning and walking over to you immediately, placing the back of her hand on your forehead. "hey baby, sorry to hear you weren't feeling well last night. are you feeling better now?"

you blush, nodding your head, your mouth still full of food.

sana's next to bound over to you once she's kissed momo in greeting as well, wrapping her arms around your shoulders and kissing the top of your head, "we missed you today. i got you this top i think would be really cute on you though! and momoring we also got you one of those draw-on shirts but we thought we could turn it into a date or something so we have four!" she's rummaging through her bags, producing items of clothing and talking about each one with her endless energy.

you swallow your food and look up at nayeon who has a fond smile on her face while watching sana, when she notices you looking at her she smiles and leans down to brush her lips against yours.

"wait... you're not sick with anything contagious are you...?"

"what if i was?"

she's squealing, running behind the counter before momo laughs and hands her the mug of water she filled and urging her to drink it. she also passes sana her mug who kisses her again in thanks.

you hum in content, happy to be around the people you loved most. its almost as if... they'll leave you. you don't deserve them. this is all temporary. don't get comfortable. you clench your spoon a little tighter, trying to will away the thoughts as you shove another spoonful into your mouth, focusing on the taste and the love behind the person who made it for you.

"-and i almost fell into the fountain and she just stood there and laughed at me!"

look at them enjoying themselves. you’re the odd one out. the one who’s about to break everyone’s happy mood.

you can make out nayeon's cackle, "in my defense! it was pretty funny! you had all your bags and everything and you threw your phone at that little boy!"

"wait sana you did what?"

you should just leave. leave them. look how happy they are without you. all you bring is sadness and anger. you can’t give them anything they’d want. what could you offer them?

"momoringg!! don't join her in this! he pushed me!"

"yeah because you were trying to steal his girlfriend!"

useless. hopeless. there’s nothing you can do. you can’t get anything right. not your job, not your friends, they’ll realise soon enough you know? that they’re better than you. that they’re too good for you. then it’ll be them leaving you. do it first before they realise that and break your heart.

"i was not!"

"that definitely sounds like you actually."

"y/n! you're on my side right?"

you look up in a daze, confused at what the context of the conversation was. "sorry?"

momo's frowning, trying to meet your eyes but you avoid her, looking at sana who's pouting, "were you listening? are you okay y/n?"

"y-yeah sorry i was just- just thinking about something. can you tell me the story again?"

suddenly sana's all in your space, basically climbing into your lap and cupping your cheeks with her hands, squinting at you. "what were you thinking about?"

you blush immediately, "oh y-y'know, just work."

"work's more important than me?"

"no sana i didn't mean it like that i'm sorry. of course work isn’t more important than you. can you tell me the story again? i'll listen this time i promise."

sana hums, nudging her nose against yours gently, "i'll tell you if you tell me the truth."

"what truth?" you feign indifference.

you can tell nayeon is looking at momo, asking for an explanation with her eyes but momo shrugs, turning away and going towards the sink to do the dishes.

"we've been together for 7 months y/n. and i've known you for much longer than that. i can tell when you're lying honey."

you gulp, clutching the spoon tighter with your hands when you feel someone else, nayeon, unwrap your fingers gently and take the spoon away, interlocking your fingers with hers instead.

you stand up quickly, unable to be interrogated at such close distance anymore. sana looks a little hurt when you do, pouting but letting you go. you look at nayeon who's eyeing you with a concerned curiosity. momo still has her back to all of you with the tap on but you can tell her shoulders are tense.

you rub the back of your neck in nervousness, avoiding all of their gazes. "u-um... i actually kinda... have something i needed to talk to you all about..."

you can feel the anxiety ramping up, the adrenaline and urge to run away pumping through you, your palms beginning to sweat.

momo saves you when she turns off the tap and wipes her hands clean, "let's all go to the living room and have some ice cream and we can talk about it yeah?"

you smile at her gratefully and she returns it, grabbing the ice cream nayeon and sana just brought back and a few spoons and bowls.

nayeon and sana exchange looks of confusion but help momo bring the utensils over and eventually you're all sitting on your couch in the living room with the television on for some background noise so it wasn't too awkward.

you fiddle with your hands, not looking at any of them while the random sitcom you have plays in the background. momo notices and grabs a hand, intertwining your fingers and squeezing gently, reassuring you that she was there.

you take a breath, clearing your throat and looking up at nayeon and sana.

"so i- um- i don't really know how to say this-"

"it's okay baby take your time. it's just us right?"

"yeah we're not going to judge you honey. we're here for you whatever this is okay?"

you take a shaky breath in, mumbling incoherently to yourself before deciding, "u-um it's probably a bit easier to s-show you." you let go of momo's hand and start to undo the tie at your pants.

"um... y/n if all you wanted was sex i think there were other ways to-" momo slaps nayeon who yelps, rubbing her arm where she was hit mumbling a "what?" but momo shushes her and gestures back to you.

you stand up and drop your pants, immediately feeling the cool breeze against your naked legs, shivering a little and fighting the urge to cover yourself. you stare down at your feet when you hear the little gasps. you decide to start talking, refusing to look up, "i'm sorry i made momo lie to you. i wasn't sick last night. i woke up and started thinking some… not so great things and i needed it to stop so i- um- i went to the bathroom where i hid some of my old stuff and i um- well-“ you awkwardly gesture at your thighs before continuing, “momo woke up and found me after the first cut. i would’ve kept going if she didn’t find me. she helped me clean up and bandage it and then i asked to sleep in the guest room because i didn’t want to um- i wasn’t ready to uh- to tell you guys yet- i’m sorry for keeping this from all of you for so long.“

when you’re done, you risk a glance up, and find the three loves of your life, tears running down their faces.

sana’s the first to move, she gets up and practically jumps over to you, but she stops short right before you touch, “c-can i- c-can i hug you?”

you smile at her, feeling your own tears well up at the sight of your three girlfriends crying. “of course darling. i’m still the same. i still love cuddling with you.”

she doesn’t give you a second thought and buries her head into your neck, wrapping her arms around your waist. you realise you’re still standing in the middle of the living room with your pants down which is a little absurd but you wrap your arms around her, sagging into her a little when she squeezes. you can feel her soft crying and the tears wet your neck.

nayeon stands and comes around as well, a little hesitant but you look at her and offer a wet smile and she breaks, enveloping the both of you in her arms as well with a muted sob. momo joins in as well because of course she does, you look at her gratefully as she sniffles, fiddling a little with her fingers before coming around behind you and moulding herself to your back, hands coming around your waist and holding onto sana’s hands, giving them a squeeze for reassurance as well.

you're surrounded with all the love you wanted. so why do you still want to die? you don't listen to that voice, pushing it down and trying to stay in the moment. eventually, someone breaks away, and you awkwardly shuffle your pants back on, glad to be able to cover up your scars.

nayeon speaks up first, a hand still holding yours, squeezing gently, "how long have you been... y'know-"

"since before i met you. the thoughts started getting really bad when i was still in high school. and all the pressure with doing well and all the extra curriculars i was picking up, it just got too much. the only thing that worked was the pain. it got me through high school, and i started to rely on it. but then... the first time i slept with someone... she was appalled. i had almost forgotten the scars were there until my pants were off. she got scared off and i told myself i wouldn't let anyone else see this side of me."

"baby..."

"it's okay. it got better after i met you guys. and when we all started dating i stopped. i felt happy." you smile up at your girlfriends, tears still streaming down your face, "being with all of you made me forget those things. but they came back. and worse this time because- because i have so much more to lose now. i can't- i can't lose you-" you can't control the sobs when you break down again. pathetic.

the girls are surrounding you instantly, whispering reassurances, brushing through your hair, tracing shapes into your skin, you try and focus on your bodily sensations rather than your internalisations, try and focus on them.

"we'd never leave you honey... we're not complete without you, you believe me right?" sana's tilting your face up to meet hers, her eyes are watery, nose red.

"i'm trying to believe you."

she places her forehead against yours and closes her eyes, sighing slightly, "i'm going to tell you that everyday from now. that i love you and that i'm not going anywhere. until you believe me." she smiles and tries for a joke, "you're going to have to deal with clingy me for the rest of your life."

you let out a broken laugh, kissing her sweetly. "i love when you're clingy anyway."

she laughs as well, wiping at her nose.

you peek at nayeon. you know she has more questions, the frown on her face and the little pout she has breaks your heart. you reach a hand out to her, she takes it after some consideration, and you pull her into your lap.

"you can ask anything. there's nothing off limits. i'll try answer everything i can and i promise i'll be honest with everything. that goes for the both of you as well." you look over at sana who's moved to your side to allow for nayeon to sit on your lap, she's got a hand on the eldest's waist, playing with her shirt, her other hand on your shoulder.

momo moves to your other side, lifting nayeon's legs and placing them on her own, tracing her calves and brushing a strand of your hair behind your ear.

nayeon's biting her lip, you focus on the small mole under her left eyebrow.

"w-why didn't you tell us?"

you sigh, "i didn't really think i needed to at first. because i hadn't done it in so long. i thought i was better."

"is it because you thought you couldn't trust us?"

"no baby that's not it."

"why did you keep your old stuff hidden then? when we moved in together? a part of you must have thought you weren't entirely better."

you bring a hand up to caress her cheek, she leans into the touch. "you're right. i'm sorry."

"is it still here?"

you look towards momo for an answer and she nods, "i didn't want to throw everything away. i wanted you to make that decision on your own. i thought that if we forcefully got rid of your things you might just try and hide it from us the next time the feelings come up. it's there but i... i don't really like the idea of leaving you alone y/n..."

nayeon's squeezing one of momo's hands, "pretty baby's so smart. i'm thankful you found her momo."

you nod in agreement, "is that why you kept following me around?"

momo nods shyly, her eyes still wet.

"i'm okay with that. i don't- i don't really trust myself right now either. i think it'd be good if someone was with me. if that wasn't... a burden or anything of course..."

sana jumps in, "honey no. you're not a burden. i hope you don't think that about yourself. i love taking care of you. i'd love being able to be there for you while you get better."

you smile at her gratefully.

"what are some of the bad thoughts you have baby?" nayeon's bringing your attention back to her, you can tell she's struggling to formulate these questions. but you're glad that she's asking them.

"a lot of it is about you guys. because you're all the reason i'm still here today."

"what about us? what can we do sweetie?"

you shake your head, looking down at your hands which are quickly taken ahold of by momo and sana. "i guess it comes down to... wondering if you can still love me while i hate myself." your grip tightens around their hands.

"you hate yourself?" nayeon's voice is shaky now, she's trying her best to hold back her emotions, wanting to find out everything she can do for you.

you nod, tears dropping onto her pants.

"there's this song. i think- i think it might be easier to play that for you guys if that's okay? i'm not really- i don't really know how to talk about this..."

they nod and quickly try and find your phone. momo finds it and hands it over to you. you quickly unlock it and search for the song you're looking for. could you love me while i hate myself - zeph.

you press play, clicking into the lyrics and staring at them to avoid looking at your girlfriend's reactions. it's a short song.

could you love me while i hate myself?

could you love me though i don't deserve it?

could you love me like there's no one else

even though you know i can't return it?

could you love me when the water's rough?

or when i leave you in a desert?

could you love me, though i speak with knives?

knowing all to well that you'll get hurt

if you can't answer 'yes' just go

i'm more trouble than i'm worth

could you love me while i hate myself?

because i don't know how this works

i never learned how this works

when it ends, you awkwardly tap out of your app, putting your phone down.

"thank you for sharing that baby."

you hum.

nayeon takes a shaky breath in, then quietly asks, "is it okay if i sing for you?"

you're surprised, looking up at her, her eyes are red. you nod.

she closes her eyes, humming a note to start, taking a breath in again and steadying her voice.

i'll love you while you hate yourself

i'll love you because you deserve it

i'll love you like i love us together

until you're ready to return it

i'll love you when things get rough

no matter where you leave us

i'll love you even when you're

working out all your thoughts

i'll get hurt if it means

some of your pain comes onto me

i'll love you while you hate yourself

and we'll figure out how it works

together we'll learn to get better

when she finishes and opens her eyes, you're sniffling again, tears streaming out of your eyes.

sana's the first to speak up, bringing her hands up to wipe at the tears on nayeon's cheeks, "our little musical genius. of course you came up with a response exactly on pitch after listening to a song once."

nayeon lets out a broken laugh, leaning into sana's touch.

you meet her eyes, a bright smile gracing your face, and you probably look a little silly, wet cheeks and red nosed with tears still dripping out of you, but nayeon laughs again in relief, coming in and kissing you.

you kiss her back gratefully, trying to convey how much you loved her in your action. you can feel sana's hand on your arm and momo's fingers in your hair. you loved them.

the thoughts are still there. you think they’ll always be there. but you don’t have to take them on on your own anymore. it would take time, but the people you loved were going to help you through it. you needed to put some trust in them as well, trust that they wouldn't leave, trust that they loved you just as you loved them, you wanted to get better, for them and for yourself, you believed you could get better with their help, for now, that was enough.

⸸

an extra a/n bcs its important: hi! i recognise that all experiences are unique so i just wanted to say the descriptions here aren’t meant to be generalised and i didn’t intend to write any stereotypes or misconceptions and i apologise if i have - i try to draw upon my own experiences to be able to write - in saying that i hope that anyone who feels they relate to similar themes etc seeks the help they need from professional sources - my dms are open ofc but i am not a professional and it is best to speak to someone who can help you in real time and in physicality. stay safe love y’all practice some self care today if u get the chance! <3

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lunajay33 · 8 months

Text

Destiny Pt.6🐺 (Bonus)

Summary: Paul has just shifted to his new life as a wolf and feels empty without his imprint hoping he finds her soon, y/n just moved to forks to live with her dad and sister Bella and decides to go to the bone fire to make new friends

Part.5

•Masterlist•

It’s been a week since I moved in with Billy and Jake, and I’ve noticed I’ve gotten a bit better, I didn’t have to walk on eggshells and watch everything I do, plus Paul was able to come over all the time, I really loved Billy for allowing me to stay

Paul was laying in my bed as I was decorating the little room with the things I’ve brought over from my old room

I turned around and he was spread out just looking at me

“What?” I smiled as I jumped ontop of him

“You’re just beautiful” he laughed as he held my hips against his lap

“Stop that you know I don’t like all that attention” I said hiding my face in him chest

“Oh yes you do, I see the way you smile and blush after I say something like, how beautiful your eyes are, or the way you scream when you laugh, I know you love it when *I* compliment you” he poked as he rolled me over on the bed

“I suppose you may be right”

“See that’s my girl”

Those words went right to my heart, I can’t believe he’s all mine

“I love you Paul” I said softly as I placed my arms around his shoulders

He was quiet for a while but I could hear a growl or maybe some kind of purrr from his chest

“I’m sorry it’s too early I shouldn’t have…”

“No, I love you too, you’re my everything, my life” he took my hands and placed them against his chest

“You feel that?” The thrumming and warmth enveloping my hands

I nodded excitedly

“That’s my love for you, the love that will never die”

“Oh Paul how did I get so lucky” I said about to cry

For the rest of the evening we were wrapped around each other talking, sleeping, making out until Jake came barging in saying they had to go and patrol

“COME ON PAUL” Jake yelled from the front door

“You can come back here after patrol tonight that’s if you want!!” I smiled

“I’ll definitely see you tonight baby but don’t wait up for me, but I gotta go, love ya” he said running out with the boys all waiting there for him

“LOVE YOU”

~~~~~~~~~~

I stayed up as long as I could before I had to go to sleep exhausted, I pulled on my matching pajama shirt and shorts and tucked myself in

Hours later I heard the front door creaking open and a bunch of rustling around, too tired to get up I just waited till I felt Paul lift the blankets and pull me against his chest

Feeling his worth lul me to sleep

“Night baby” he whispered as I fully feel into the best sleep of my life

~~~~~

The next morning I woke up to the sun shinning in my face, I groaned roling over to be facing Paul

The sun was highlighting all his stunning features, his brown hair, his tan skin

I ran my fingers through his hair as he started to wake up

“Morning my love” I smiled

“How was your sleep with your personal heater?” He laughed

“Good except for the part where someone snores loudly in my ear”

“Hey I was exhausted from patrol give me a break”

“Okay fine just this time” then the phone rang

I ran to the phone wanting to let Jake and Billy rest longer

“Hello Black residence”

“Y/n is that you?”

“Bella? Why are you calling” I said nervous as I felt Paul come behind me and wrap his arms around my waist

“Look im sorry for what i said, we want you back”

“Bella you can’t keep using me as your punching bag when you have problems, I deserve to be happy too, and I’m happy here” I said leaning in closer to Paul

“But Charlie talks about you all the time, you could atleast visit him” she said getting angry

“Well I can call him myself and work it out, I gotta go now” I said hanging up

“You okay?”

“Ya I just can’t get a break with her”

“How about I take you to the woods for the day and show you a good time” he smirked

“I’d love that”

~~~~~~~~

#twilight fluff #twilight wolves #twilight wolfpack #twilight #paul lahote x y/n #paul lahote x reader #paul lahote #bella cullen #jacob black #edward cullen #new moon

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frownyalfred · 3 months

Note

Hello yes it’s me again 🤠 I’ve decided to continue this little series of “things that have caused me to wake up in the middle of the night and clench my chest and go “GAh” because it is summer, I have too much free time to cry over very good fanfics, and writers deserve to feel noticed (coming from a writer who’s favorite comments are the ridiculously detailed/long/rant ones) So without further ado…

d. the coral room fic tags being like “Omegaverse 🥰 Enemies to Lovers 🥹 Nesting 💖” but then in parenthesis “but Bruce’s ver of nesting is stealing super weapons to assasinate Clark” the first time I saw this tag I spat out my coffee and probably laughed for about three minutes and to this day I randomly wake up and laugh about I don’t know why it resonated so much but it was genius

e. On a less happy note I physically cannot bring myself to ever again open your fic “Silent Running” because the first time I read it I don’t think I slept that night. Definitely a wake up-go “GAH situation there, the absolutely bone chilling way that fic settled with me?? Idek why?? Like it’s definitely not dead dove whatsoever yk, but the way you write this subtle nuanced “something’s-wrong” feel… The way you wrote it? I can’t explain? But I’m not sleeping well if I ever read it again?

f. GAH THE WAY YOU TALK ABOUT ALF/MAR/THOMAS I FEEL LIKE A SOLDIER ABOUT TO GO TO THE TRENCHES I FEEL THIRTY YEARS OLDER I FEEL LIKE IM FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE??? BECAUSE YOU DO SUCH GOOD CHARACTERIZATION OF THEIR DYNAMICS BUT THERES THIS UNDERLYING IMMORTAL SADNESS TO EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM BECAUSE LIKE. THE BASIS TRUTH OF DC IS THAT MARTHA AND THOMAS DIE. It’s so ingrained into canon that they are the DEFINITION of doomed by the narrative- and not just Martha and Thomas as characters, but the Alf/Mar/Thomas relationship as well!! SND YOU MAKW ME ABSOLUTELY FALL IN LOVE WITH THEM?? HOW DARE YOU?? Why would you do this to us? Why must you write such good character dynamics?

g. Speaking of characterization, let’s talk about your characterization of Jason Todd. Let’s talk about the absolutely SCRUMPTIOUS way you write him. Because like there is no babygirlification in sight, but there isn’t any of that misogynistic Jason Todd homicidal meathead stuff either- you’ve somehow written him better then half the dc writers out there. Like I FEEL like I’m reading about Jason Todd himself in what I consider to be his purest form (like Under the Red Hood). You don’t push off his grief and trauma, you don’t misinterpret his feelings and emotions, you don’t make excuses for his mistakes and actions, you instead embrace the barebones of his character in its entirety in this??? Breathtaking way??? Like I don’t wake up and go “GAh” when I dream about this, I instead silently levitate from my bed like I’m ascending to the next plane of existence.

h. NGGFFFHHGHHKDHX the way you wrote Clark in “eye in the sky” HELLO MA’AM WHAT WAS THAT WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT-

Because it’s a Injustice AU right! You know what’s happening! You know that it’s so bad, that there is no longer Clark but Kal, that the regime is horrible, and that’s how you start us off, with the glimpses into the inner workings of the Regime and you know it’s just as bad as ever and you think you know what to expect- and then you meet Clark Kent. GAH. GaH. AUTHOR. WHY WIULD YOU DO THAT? IT HURTS!! It hurts to have Duke walk in and see Clark Kent, see him with his plaid shirts and glasses and you are completely taken by surprise because you were expecting Kal! What’s Clark doing here!! He’s supposed to be dead!! And then it hits you how GENIUS it is to write it like that (after you stop crying from pure shock. I’m a bit of a crybaby). Like AUTHOR YOU HORRIBLY BEAUTIFUL WRITER YOU. YOU KNEW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WERE DOING.

I. And what’s worse- how it must be for BRUCE!!!! GAH! GAHHHH! WHAT DO I EVEN SAY TO THIS? The psychological torment, the emotional damage, the potentials for angst, I’m actually getting all breathy just thinking about oml I start rolling around my bed like a crazed burrito and if anyone saw me they’d probably think I was possessed and/or having seizures. Im realizing maybe this got a bit too long.

I have to do this in increments otherwise I kinda just look crazy… 🌚 I’m just a girl 🎀 (I’m so sorry)

Moral of the story is once again I love your works and you are a good writer 💁‍♀️💐

Oh my goodness, thank you so so much for this lovely ask!!

d. thank you, I love that tag. and it’s accurate for the fic — that’s just Bruce’s way of getting settled!

e. I feel that! It was a dark fic for sure. I’ve been writing too much dark Clark recently, I need to change that.

f. their relationship makes me feel genuinely ill sometimes, not because they’re bad but because of the weight of the future hanging over them. I want to write another fic for them in my room full of coral verse for sure.

g. thank you so much! He’s a hard character to write sometimes but I try to avoid pushing him too far to any extreme. He’s complicated even if it might not seem like it!

h. thank you for mentioning this! It was definitely a deliberate choice to have Duke meet Clark and not Kal. The casual menace of it was just too attractive to me.

i. yeah, Bruce is really going through it in that fic. You know when you’re going through something rough and you just shut down as much as you can? That’s how I view him in this.

Thank you so much again!! This was the best thing to wake up to.

#asks #myfic #theresurrectionist

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lovebombs4life · 9 months

Text

is it over now? - c.t.h.

a/n: hey guysssssss… i haven’t posted in a hot minute cause ive had a million and one things going on all at once, so writing and posting have been at the back of my mind.

cw: SMUT!!! angst and fighting between reader and luke, friends to lovers w/cal, soft dom!cal, fingering, oral (f), protected p in v, praising, fluffy cal (i tho m that’s all but if i missed anything feel free to lmk!)

wc: 4,049 (not proof read)

———

“i didn’t know what a break meant, y/n! for all i knew we were broke up!” luke raised his voice as he ran his hands through his hair, walking back and forth in the living room of my apartment. i scoffed at him, clenching my jaw.

“so you thought you could sleep with someone else?!” i snapped back. his eyes turned cold. he took a step closer to me.

“i was drunk! she didn’t mean a damn thing to me!” he moved his hands as he spoke. i laughed in disbelief. my hands gripped at the roots of my hair.

“god, you are unbelievable!” i turned away from him, my hands going to my cheeks. they were warm, and i guarantee bright red as i yelled.

“we were on a break! what did that mean to you?!” he yelled, sitting down at the table.

“it meant we needed time apart! not that you could go sleep with other women!” i cried in anger. i stood in the middle of the living room, looking at him with defeat.

“luke i think you should go.” i spoke, my voice quieter now. his eyes softened, beginning to water as he heard my words.

he stood from the table, walking towards me. “please, y/n, let’s fix this.” he grabbed my waist. i stood still, my eyes watering. he slid down, hugging my hips.

“there’s no fixing this, luke. it’s over.” i let tears slide down my cheeks. i felt my shirt damped as he sniffled, crying too.

“it’s not, it’s not over, y/n, please.” he choked, trying to hold onto me tighter. i shook my head, wiping my tears away.

“it’s over, luke. it was over when you slept with another woman.” i took a deep breath, trying to keep myself from breaking down. he pulled his head away from me, his grip loosening. i backed away from him, avoiding eye contact.

i grabbed for my keys in my pocket, taking the key to his apartment off my keychain. i held it out to him. he sat on his knees, his face becoming red and puffy from crying. his hand reached out for the key shakily.

he fished for his keys, taking off the key to my apartment, leaving it on the coffee table next to him. i closed my eyes and turned around, going to my room. i heard the front door shut with a thud.

that’s when it all came out. i fell to the floor, my heart feeling as if it were in my throat. i let out choked sobs, gasping for air. my nose stuffed up and became runny. my mascara ran down my face, staining my cheeks.

i weakly crawled up into my bed, screaming into my pillow. my heart was burning, and my body was shaking. i turned my head to the side so i could breathe. i patted around for my phone, texting calum once i found it.

y/n: he cheated on me. we just broke up. i feel like im dying.

not even thirty seconds later, calum was calling me. i slid the button to answer, putting him on speaker. i sniffled as he spoke to me. “y/n.. are you okay?”

i sat up slightly. “no. i’m dying. my heart is in my throat.” i spoke, my voice breaking.

i heard him sigh through the phone. “what a dick head. you deserve better, y/n.” i wiped my eyes on the sleeve of my shirt before wiping my nose.

“funny he thought i was talking to someone else when i never did. he got such tunnel vision on it and wouldn’t believe me. i guess taking a break means that he can go sleep with other women. he didn’t even fucking tell me who it was. i think it’s better if i don’t know.” i spoke, calming down.

“i don’t wanna know either.” calum said.

i press the button on my phone to change it to a face time call. calum’s face soon popped up on my screen. he frowned when he saw the mascara stained on my cheeks. “go clean yourself up, get comfortable. i’ll stay on the phone with you for as long as you need.” he said. i nodded, bringing my phone into the bathroom with me.

i grabbed out my makeup wipes, scrubbing the makeup from my cheeks and eyes. i threw the wipe away, grabbing my brush afterwards, fixing my hair into a ponytail. i then decided to brush my teeth before finding pajamas to change into. cal did as he said he would, and stayed on the phone with me.

i grabbed out a sweater and threw it on, then grabbed a pair of shorts. i cuddled up into my bed, turning on my tv.

“there ya go, all comfy now. you’re already looking much better.” calum complimented. i smiled softly.

“you’re the best cal. thank you.” i looked at him. he was laying in bed too, watching me as i got comfortable.

before i knew it, i ended up falling asleep. when i woke in the morning, calum with still on the phone with me. it was close to ten in the morning. he was already awake, his phone was set up to show him sitting at his desk, playing his bass and writing. he had gone on mute so he wouldn’t wake me up.

i smiled at the small gesture, thinking it was sweet.

“didn’t think you’d stay on call through the whole night.” i giggled, grabbing my phone, showing my face. calum turned to face the camera, grabbing his phone to unmute himself.

“said i’d stay on the phone for as long as you needed. figured if you needed anything in the night then you’ve already got me on the phone.” he smiled. i jutted out my bottom lip as he spoke.

“that’s so sweet cal. you’re seriously the best.” he chuckled, nodding his head before looking down and smiling. my heart warmed at the sight.

i tried to push the feeling back. my mind just wants a rebound, right? i couldn’t do that, especially not to calum.

“how bout we hangout later? you can come hang here and we can watch a movie and you can play with duke?” he asked, hopefulness in his voice. i smiled, nodding.

“that would be nice. thank you again cal. i’m gonna go now. i’ll shower and get dress and then be on my way over.” i said. i waved goodbye as i hung up, getting up to shower.

i grabbed a different hoodie and a pair of leggings, heading into my bathroom. i took a few deep breaths as i stood under the warm water, letting last night wash away. he doesn't deserve my time. no matter how much it hurts.

i washed my hair, scrubbing at my scalp. i slathered the conditioner onto the ends of my hair, then grabbed my scrub, washing off my skin.

once done, i washed out my conditioner, and turned the water off. as i dried off my body, my mind went back to calum. the fact he stayed on call with me all night made my heart swell.

i finally got dressed, and grabbed my keys. i threw on my sandals and made my way downstairs to the parking lot.

as soon as i got to calum’s, i saw duke standing near the window by the door. i smiled and opened the door, immediately getting on my knees to pet duke.

“hi little puppy, you such a sweet boy? yes you are!” i baby talked, pulling the dog into my arms.

“good to see you too?” calum said, standing infront of me. i looked up at him from my spot on the floor, still holding duke. i smiled up at him.

“hey, i need puppy love right now, and you said i could play with duke while we’re hanging out.” i stated, sticking my tongue out at him.

calum tensed up slightly as i looked up at him through my lashes.

“i could give you puppy love.” he mumbled under his breath. i didn’t quite hear what he had said. i tilted my head while looking up at him still.

“what did you say?” i furrowed my brow. he shook his head and waved it off.

“nothing. let’s go get comfy and choose a movie, yeah?” asked, turning around and walking to the living room. i hummed in agreement, setting duke down on the floor. i followed behind calum, throwing myself down onto his large couch.

“any preference on what we watch?” he asked. i shook my head, grabbing a blanket that was draped over the back of the couch. he sat down next to me, pulling some of the blanket onto his lap.

his arm snuck around my waist, pulling me into his side. my cheeks flushed the slightest, and i tried to rub my hands on my face to hide it. i rested my head on his shoulder, his head laying atop mine. i yawned as he chose a movie, not really paying any mind to it. i slumped over, resting my head in his lap. duke jumped up on the couch, curling up next to my legs. i smiled, letting my eyes rest.

———

i rubbed my eyes as i woke up, stretching after laying down. i sat up, looking around the room. calum had brought me up to his room, letting me sleep. duke had followed along and was curled up next to me on the bed. calum sat at his desk writing. “how long have i been sleeping?” i asked. calum spun around in his chair, smiling softly.

“bout two hours. you started crying when you were sleeping. you were thinking about luke, huh?”

i shrugged my shoulders. “hard not to. you would too if you were dating for a year and then he cheated on you.”

calum nodded, frowning slightly. i shook it off, not wanting to keep thinking about it. “i think im gonna head out, i’ll talk to you when im home?” i said as more of a question. he nodded, standing up to hug me.

“call me if you need me, ‘kay?” he said, kissing the top of my head softly. i nodded into his chest before pulling away.

once home, i instantly went to my bed, flopping down face first. i checked my phone, seeing multiple messages and missed calls from luke throughout the day. i deleted his contact, and blocked it. i needed to cut him off otherwise i’d run back. i couldn’t do that to myself.

i smiled slightly as calum’s contact popped up.

cal: make it home okay?

y/n: yeah, sorry i didn’t text you, i totally forgot

cal: no worries :) sleep well y/n

y/n: how’d you know i was gonna sleep?

cal: im a genius that’s why

i giggled at his response. i plugged in my phone, setting it aside as i allowed my mind to wander before i fell asleep.

his lips danced over mine, his dark curls tangled between my fingers. my breathing picked up as his lips trailed down my neck, sucking dark spots upon my throat. i gasped at the feeling, his hands gripping my waist. “tell me what you want, sweetheart.”

i sat up quickly, gasping for air as if i’d just ran a marathon. i couldn’t be dreaming of him like that. we’re just friends. luke and i just broke up. i can’t use calum as a rebound. what if he’s not a rebound? you know you like him. my mind was screaming.

i checked the time on my phone. it was only ten pm. i slid my screen up, unlocking my phone. i clicked calum and i’s messages, sending him a text.

y/n: can you come over? and with a bottle of wine? or two?

cal: give me 10 minutes and i’ll be there. you alright?

y/n: yeah, need to get drunk. need to forget him

just as he promised, calum was here within ten minutes, holding two bottles of wine. i quickly snatched one of the bottles from him, popping it open and taking a swig of it. his eyes widened as he walked through the door, watching me drink from the bottle.

“a bottle for each of us then?” he laughed lightly. i nodded, walking to my living room. he followed behind me, sitting on the floor with me. i continued to drink from the bottle, calum doing the same with the other.

“he’s such a dick.” i muttered. calum chuckled, watching me slam down more wine.

“he doesn’t deserve you. i’m sure he’s sitting at home right now crying over you.” calum said. i looked at him, my face flushed from the alcohol.

“i hope so. i hope he feels miserable.” i smiled slightly. calum laughed again, drinking more.

within twenty minutes, we were both done with our bottles, and we were progressively getting drunker. i leaned my head back against the couch, watching calum as he played with the silver rings on his fingers. “you’re pretty.” i giggled, crawling over to him. he smiled as i ran my hand through his hair.

“you’re prettier.” he said, raising his hand to my cheek, caressing my skin. i nuzzled my face into his hand, kissing his palm.

his eyes flickers down my lips before meeting my gaze again. “wanna kiss you. can i kiss you?” i asked, admiring his features. he nodded, leaning in slowly.

my body tingled with excitement as his lips met mine. my mind was on fire from the alcohol, but all i could think of right now was calum. i whimpered into the kiss softly as calum pulled me into his lap. his large hands held onto my hips, moving them along his slightly.

his tongue glided along my bottom lip, asking for entrance. i parted my lips slightly, his tongue slipping into my mouth. he groaned as my hands ran through his hair, his hands still guiding my hips against his.

“want you, y/n.” he breathed out as he pulled away from our kiss. i kissed his cheek, going down to his neck.

“have me then, cal, ‘m yours.” i whispered against his skin. he held onto me as he stood up, brining us to my room.

he laid me back, kissing down my neck. “you sure you want this?” he asked, looking up at me. i nodded quickly.

“want this, want you, cal.” i whined. he chuckled at me, his hands grabbing the hem of my sweater. he looked up at me for consent. i nodded, lifting my arms as he pulled the clothing off. he groaned once he saw i wasn’t wearing a bra.

“so fuckin pretty. he’s missing out on this.” he praised, kissing my stomach, up to my chest. his tongue ran across my body, making me shiver.

“please cal, need you.” i whimpered. he smirked at me, his fingers pulling down my leggings, my panties going with them. he threw his head back as i spread my legs open for him, wanting more.

“should’ve been with me the whole time instead sweetheart, would’ve treated you so much better.” he said, kneeling down in front of me. i nodded, pathetic noises falling from my lips, hoping he would do something soon.

his warm breath against my heat made me shiver. he grasped my thighs, pulling my legs over his shoulders as he licked a stripe up my heat. i gasped, my hands quickly grabbing his hair. he smirked at my reaction, continuing to lick against me.

“taste so good princess, doing so good.” he praised as he slid two of his fingers inside of my pussy. i moaned as he curled them up inside me, continuing to lick at my clit.

i clenched my thighs around his head, my legs shaking. calum pulled his head away from me, replacing his tongue with his thumb, rubbing quick circles on my electric spot. “that feel good sweet girl? wanna hear you, baby, tell me how you feel.”

i groaned, gripping at the bed sheets. “feels so fucking good cal, so good, don’t stop.” i cried, my thighs beginning to shake. he chuckled as i clenched around his fingers.

“cum for my sweetheart, i know you’re close baby.” he commanded, going back down to work me again with his tongue. he slid out his fingers, sucking at my clit, swirling his tongue around. i mewled as he held my hips down, my body shaking.

my eyes rolled back as i came on his tongue, feeling him lick me up. he pulled back, giving me a wide smile. “taste so fucking good sweetheart.” he said, kissing me. i tasted myself on his tongue, moaning into his mouth. i grabbed at his t-shirt, pulling it over his head.

soon after i pulled off his sweatpants, then his boxers. i bit my lip as i saw his hardened cock spring out from the clothing. i’d be lying if i said i hadn’t thought about him like this before, but that was before luke.

“you have a condom, pretty girl?” he asked, stroking his length. i nodded, pointing to the side table next to us. he grabbed one out, quickly rolling it onto his dick.

calum teased my slit with his tip, slightly pushing in before pulling back again. “fuck me already cal, please.” i begged, my nails digging into his back lightly. he smirked, pushing in slowly. i gasped as he started stretching me out.

“doing so good sweetheart, need me to stop?” he asked, making sure i was okay. i shook my head quickly.

“don’t stop, i can take it.” i cried, my legs wrapping around his hips.

he pushed in further, holding onto my hips. “just a little more sweetheart, doing so good for me. look so pretty on my cock baby.” he praised. i whined as he finally sunk into me fully.

calum stopped his movement, kissing me softly, his lips dancing against mine before trailing down to my neck. “you can move now, cal, im okay.” i breathed out.

he sucked at the skin on my throat, leaving dark bruises as he slowly started to thrust into me. “shit, cal, faster, please baby.” i moaned, my nails running down his back. he groaned as i did so, picking his pace up.

“taking me so well sweetheart, you feel so good around my cock baby, making me feel so good.” he moaned, massaging one of my breasts in his hand.

i squeezed my eyes shut, trying to contain myself. i lifted my hand to my mouth, biting down, gasping hard.

“don’t hold back sweetheart, wanna know who’s making you feel this good baby.” he grabbed my hand away from my mouth, interlocking his fingers with mine.

“look at me baby, wanna see those eyes.” his hand squeezed mine, encouraging me to look at him. i struggled to pry my eyelids open, watching pleasure consume calum’s face.

i watched as his muscles flexed in his arms, his hips snapping against mine as he was buried deep inside me. my breathing became ragged as i felt the familiar fire growing in my stomach, my walls clenching around his cock.

calum’s hips faltered, groans falling from his lips. “you close baby? you’re doing so fucking good, you’re so fucking perfect, y/n.” he moaned, his hand trailing down my throat, caressing the bruises he sucked on my neck.

“won’t last much longer, cal, gonna cum.” i panted, my nails scratching down his back, making him buck his hips into me harder.

i cried at the feeling, digging my nails into his skin as my thighs began to shake. a few more thrusts from calum and i was done for, i was falling apart from his touch. my head swirled as calum slowed his movements down. everything was muffled, and moving slowly, my high washing over me so beautifully.

i’d never felt such a feeling as this, and i prayed it would never end. calum laid down on the bed next to me, pushing the hair out of my face. he kissed my cheek, speaking sweet nothings as i came back down.

i turned my head toward him, a lazy smile on my face. “should’ve been with you all along.” i giggled, my face a deep shade of pink. he chuckled, pulling me closer to him.

i soon fell asleep, and as i did, calum had gotten up and cleaned up my apartment a bit for me. eventually he climbed back into bed with me, pulling me back into his hips, kissing my head.

———

i woke up to the sound of knocking on the door. it must have been going on for the last five minutes, and i felt sorry for my neighbors. calum sat up, sliding into his sweatpants, walking out of the room.

i grabbed his shirt from off the floor, throwing it on over a pair of shorts. i walked to the door, calum blocking whoever it was. “who is it cal?” i asked, rubbing my eyes as i leaned into his side.

my stomach dropped as i saw the figure standing in front of me.

“why’s he here?” luke bit his lip nervously, looking at me up and down. he took in the fact that in was wearing calum’s shirt, and that calum was only in his sweatpants.

“why are you here luke?” i retorted, clenching my jaw, trying to keep my breathing steady. he ran his hand through his curls, pacing in front of the door.

“it doesn’t matter. you’ve moved on already with calum.” he huffed, pulling at his hair. i scoffed.

“you moved on from me before we were even over luke. you can’t even fucking talk to me about moving on.” i spat. he nodded, his face going pale.

“‘m sorry. for all of it. i’m sorry. i can’t even remember what i came here to say except for that im sorry.” he repeated, shaking his head, looking at me with sorrow in his eyes. i rolled my eyes, walking away.

“you should go, mate.” calum spoke. soon after, he closed the door, finding me standing in the kitchen. i had grabbed my phone from my room, scrolling through instagram.

as if seeing him at my door wasn’t enough, there had been a post about luke sneaking around with a girl. as i looked at the photos, my heart shattered, and i wanted to throw up. i dropped my phone on the counter, covering my mouth as my eyes teared up.

“there’s no fucking way.” i choked out, my knees becoming weak. calum quickly came up behind me, holding me.

“what happened?” he asked, his voice filled with worry. i fell back into him, sobbing into his chest. i shakily pointed at my phone sitting on the counter. he grabbed it, observing the photos. i felt his grip around me get tighter.

my knees trembled, making me slowly fall down. calum sunk down to the floor with me, holding me in his lap. “my fucking sister. are you fucking kidding me.” he whispered, stroking my head as i buried my face in his neck

“her and i used to be cool. she told me she was always into this other guy.” i cried, squeezing onto calum.

“this is so fucked.” he said, the anger in his voice rising. his hand moved down to my back, slow movements trying to calm me down.

i will admit, as he caressed my skin and i took deep breaths, i was already feeling better. he kissed the top of my head before i looked up at him, my face stained with tears, my eyes surely puffy.

he smiled softly, kissing my forehead. “thank you.” i whispered up at him, sniffling slightly.

“you’re welcome gorgeous.” he kissed my nose, making me giggle.

“they’re not worth it. they don’t deserve our time or hurt, or any emotions of any kind at all. we have each other, that’s what should matter.” he wiped the stray tears from my face with his thumbs. i nodded, nuzzling my face into his palm as he held my cheek.

how could it be possible that i was falling in love with him already?

#calum hood #calum hood smut #calum hood imagine #5sos #5 seconds of summer #calum 5sos #luke hemmings #luke 5sos #ashton irwin #michael clifford

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