#im having so much fun she hates ppl and has no friends and stays inside all day ordering takeout and watching tv like i get her

[trailerparkdad]

welcome to the life of a quiet lab technician

[baekhvuns]

Myeong-dong is HEAVEN or maybe it's actually hell lmao for people who love spending money (me). Seoul is really fun, it's not my first time visiting but this time I will have more opportunities to see all the places in peace - at least I hope so. I'm also planning on visiting some spots I've seen in Korean variety and dramas.

Okay, well I'm a Stay too, so let me 👀 that fic even though I don't read for SKZ often.

DL was a video game at first and I tried playing because VAMPIRES, but it was awful truly, it's not only bad but just very gross and toxic. I know the girl ended up with one of the guys eventually - ofc she did.

I hate my mind, because I will never write those stories and I can't just force other people to write them for me. 😭

Btw I started reading Pharaoh's Concubine even though I have other webtoon updates to catch up with. So far so good, I've always been into ancient history but I don't see many stories taking place in that period of time. So many of the fanfiction I'm reading remain not updated wtf is this a curse, lol? I was spoiled for a while, I got used to weekly updates I guess. 😭 I'm impatiently waiting for you to drop your Hwa fic! - DV 💖

HIHI <3

Myeong-dong is HEAVEN or maybe it's actually hell lmao for people who love spending money (me). Seoul is really fun, it's not my first time visiting but this time I will have more opportunities to see all the places in peace - at least I hope so. I'm also planning on visiting some spots I've seen in Korean variety and dramas.

IVE HEARD SO MUCH ABT IT !!!! omg but that’s so fun,,, no bc same id spend so much bc everything there is packaged so prettily ,,,,,, one of my friends is going there for the exchange and i have a few friends in sk and i ALWAYS see them at myeong-dong or hannam-dong side (as in posts) & they’re always dressed like next level— and it excites me bc they look so pretty BESTIE IF U GO HANAM DONG UN VILLAGE I WILL WRITE U THAT HWA FASHION DESIGNER FIC WITH THAT BAEK SONG I WILL !!!!! I WILL!!!!

AAAAAAAAA KDRAMA SPOTS IF U GET A CHANCE PLS GO TO THE MOON LOVERS ONE 😭😭😭😭 live the yn there where ur king hwa patiently waits for u to return <3 i think the place is baekje land? it has a museum inside (u will literally live the y/n im writing atm omg)

Okay, well I'm a Stay too, so let me 👀 that fic even though I don't read for SKZ often.

YES OFC here’s the collab post so many good ones here 🤌🏼🤌🏼 omfg there’s a hwa x reader x yunho oruan high schio- im gonna- cry

DL was a video game at first and I tried playing because VAMPIRES, but it was awful truly, it's not only bad but just very gross and toxic. I know the girl ended up with one of the guys eventually - ofc she did.

aWFULL the anime idk how ppl like it i can’t even stand it,, downright disgusting tbh 😭😭 like she just??? gave herself up???? 😭😭😭 i debated for a long time if it was just pwp i think it is— SHE ENDED UP WITH A GUY???

I hate my mind, because I will never write those stories and I can't just force other people to write them for me. 😭

HFKWHDKWDHKW ME TOO BUT I GIVE MY PLOTS AWAY TO PPL SO THEY CAN WRITE bc sometimes i be wanting to see them just not from my writing also bestie ik u like it when the roles r reversed in a fic, i forgot to mention i have a san wip! it’s where he’s reader’s younger brothers friend (3 year age difference) and san has had a FAT FAT crush on the reader fbwmfjsk

Btw I started reading Pharaoh's Concubine even though I have other webtoon updates to catch up with. So far so good, I've always been into ancient history but I don't see many stories taking place in that period of time.

AHHHHH IM SO GLAD U DO ITS A RLY GOOD ONE 😭😭😭😭 yeah me too!! it’s i think my first and only story that took place in like egyptian period of time,, plus it’s all finished so even better !!!!

So many of the fanfiction I'm reading remain not updated wtf is this a curse, lol? I was spoiled for a while, I got used to weekly updates I guess. 😭 I'm impatiently waiting for you to drop your Hwa fic! - DV 💖

NAURRR LITERALLY IM SO USED TO THE WEEKLY UPDATES THESE ONES GET ME SO IMPATIENT 😭😭🔫 omg bestie i will deliver this like very soon bc it’s almost near the end thank u 😭😭😭💓✨💓

[fucker-anon]

Puppeteer Headcanons

K so this mans has been living in my head rent free since I first laid eyes on them (like 2013) so here are my headcanons about their backstories, personalities, and more. Some are inspired by the original stories and lore, some are inspired by other bloggers, some are me self-projecting. Warning there are mentions of dark themes so keep caution. Also i am not a writer, (im sorry) @creepy-bi-day enjoy!!

Puppeteer~

Backstory: 

Puppeteer was born as Jonathon Blake on July 23, 1974

Mother was Hispanic, dad was American. He grew up speaking Spanish and English. He also never really got along with both sides of the family cause he’s mixed (they didn’t like that). They kinda preferred his siblings.

had 4 younger siblings (3 girls, 1 boy). He was 4 years older than the second child.

ever since he could walk he was obsessed with musical theater. For a while his family was able to Johnny to theater camp. Stopped after the 3rd child was born due to financial reasons

parents were working full time to take care of their family. meant Johnny was basically acting like a 3rd parent. good news was he was able to take care of all 4 of them and meet their basic need of being fed, staying clean etc. bad news it meant that he was taking care of them 24/7 and was constantly tired and not taking care of himself. Started to develop symptoms of depression, but couldn’t get help due to the stigmas around mental health + he’s a guy.

got worse in highschool when his work load increased and he wanted to do more in drama and music but couldn’t cause he had to take care of his siblings. He also didn’t make many close friends except for one girl in his drama class Erma. 

Erma was his best friend and they started dating in their second year of highschool. She helped him as much as she could with his mental health, their studies, and even helped babysit some days. They brought out the best in each other. 

Erma loved dance and wanted to become a ballerina, but her parents tried to keep her focus on studies. They did allow her to take theater which she also loved. Her parents were very strict and controlling so she had to hid her relationship.

It wasn’t until the second child turned 13 (johnny was 17), when she started to help out more with the other three siblings (12f, 9f, 7m). Thanks to her help and now they were in a better financial position, johnny was able to join plays and bands which had afterschool practices.

He was really good. He discovered he was born with perfect pitch and was able to get the lead in a play in his final year. This was also when he was able to score a scholarship so some of his uni fees would be paid for.

he decided to major in theater and wanted to go on Broadway or at least become a drama teacher

however when apply for uni, Erma’s parents discovered their relationship and they offered Erma a choice, break up with johnny or else they wouldn’t pay for Erma’s schooling. They hated johnny mostly due to racism and the fact that he wasnt going into a “stable career”. Erma choose to break up with Johnny but didn’t want to tell him these reasons cause she knew that it would upset him. So instead she told him that she’s fallen out of love and wanted to break up.

Johnny agreed mostly to make her happy, but this started his spiral downwards.

Johnny didn’t have any friends other than Erma, he also went to uni in a different city so he didn’t have his family there. His depression got really bad, and he ended up isolating himself and failing first term. He decided to kill himself via hanging. Problem is he wasn't heavy enough to kill himself right away, so he was suffering for hours. 

He spent his last few hours allowing himself to finally “be selfish” and allowed himself to be angry at his family, Erma, and his overall life.

due to this anger, he was able to come back as a ghost, wanting others to feel the same pain as him.

when he came back he was able to change his body into his idea of a perfect vessel, some improvement were making himself taller, better hair, clear face, smooth voice, bigger dick.  and now feeds off of negative energy

Personality:

cold-hearted, cunning, manipulative, a smooth talking, somewhat charming. this is the very carefully crafted version of Puppeteer, He’s the guy who could talk you into doing anything, mostly stuff like jumping off a bridge

however once you get close to him, you see more of Johnathon than puppet. He is very protective of his close friends, will fuss over them and scold them if they aren’t taking care of themselves

good luck getting there tho. After Erma he really had a hard time opening up to ppl due to his fear that they will all leave him at one point. 

Powers:

he feeds off of negative energies, the more trauma the better (finally imma a snack), so he usually influences his victims into a deep depressed state where they off themselves. However once he started hanging out with the creeps (mansion au), he really didn’t need to do that since everyone is a lil fucked up. He just feeds off a little bit of everyone, so that no one is really affected. At this point, he probably has enough energy to outlive the fucking queen

He’s a ghost so he can levitate at most like 10 m above the ground, and if he focuses, he can go through walls and become invisible. 

he has golden strings due to the ectoplasm inside of him (make his eyes and mouth glow to). This strings are like limbs, They are tough to break but if you do its gonna hurt him a lot. They can extend up to 60 ft, and are about 1 cm thick. 

Fun Facts (cause idk how to categorize these)

lots of trauma, need therapy. he feels a lot of shame for what happened and only opens up to his very close friends. again born in 70′s, theres the toxic masculinity and some internalized homophobia. 

still a theater kid!! love musicals and can still sing and play guitar. His vocal cords are a lil more sensitive cause the whole hanging thing, but as long as he warms up, can has the range baby. also has Macbeth memorized

can still cook. while he doesn’t like his past and doesn’t need to eat. He wrote down all of the recipes he knew and will sometimes make them again

dick is 6.5 inchs soft 7.5 hard, i know y’all wanted to know. if also like 6′2 tall. tall big boi

i hc him as pansexual. yea he rather died again than admit that he loves someone, but he won’t care about gender. he still is cis tho.

he does fuck. not often but occasionally. slightly lower sex drive than average 

grunge king. he grew up in poverty and he great at diy. very leans more punk grunge but can be soft grunge depending on his mood. love beanies and his hair is a little longer than chin length with lots of layers. He is tempted to shave off the sides of his head tho. also has grunge and punk music on his playlists.

bad with tech. like the opposite of ben. gets called an old man since he couldn’t figure out how the tv remote works.

he doesn’t grow facial hair, doesn’t like the look.

acts like he’s too proper to cuss, but he does.... a lot

experienced some racism while growing up so he does say ACAB

probably has some piercings or tattoos or both 

still is depressed, has some tough days, but doctor ej gets him pills to help and he has a good support system

shit this was a lot so Helen is next with another post. ill get into their friendship and relationships with other in a whole new post if yall like it. someone tell me if this gives joy cause i could write an essay on this man

[desticuleconfessions]

hey desticule. so i have a supernatural-themed girl best friends story that i’ve wanted to share for a long time, especially because none of my irl friends ever rly understood the gravity of this experience w/o the context of spn. there’s a lot of fun parallels to stuff on the show, and its given me like years of brain rot and therapy lmao. so i really deeply appreciate this page as an outlet, thank you so much to the mods for making it. anyways uh. here goes. sorry it’s so long.

[tw: queer trauma, religious trauma, mental illness]

okay so. in 3rd grade i met this girl. we'll call her kate. we became best friends, as in our names were never spoken separately, we did (and won) every science fair together, she came skiing with my family every winter, i stayed with her family at their beach house in the summers, our younger siblings were friends, etc.

our birthdays were exactly 6 months apart (jan 22/jul 22) so we literally believed that we were celestially intertwined.

we wrote a novel together in 8th grade. her family is baptist, we attended massachusetts catholic schools. i would go to church with her family when i slept over, i held hands and said grace with them at meals. they are all tall and blonde and beautiful. classically angelic. i am south asian. i remember introducing her to harry potter in the 4th grade, her mother hadn't let her read em because it was "blasphemous", but i snuck her my copies and she would read them during lunch n recess and keep them in my locker. sorry this seems like a lot of unnecessary detail but it will be important later.

anyways we both got into doctor who and subsequentally supernatural (s1-8?9 at the time). i specifically remember getting her into supernatural. i also remember her instinctive disdain for destiel when i talked about it, i was showing her a meta or fanfic i think, and i talked her through undoing some of her christian household’s internalized homophobia (fully assuming we were both straight at this point) (we were fucking 12). we'd do the whole "bitch" "jerk" thing, i (the older one) affectionately called her 'sammy', her phone password was dean, mine was cas (and they still are). on my 13th birthday, she gifted me a samulet, which i still wear to this day. (additionally, she gave me a vonnegut 'so it goes' necklace one year) (thats not vital but) (goes to show the extent of my dean coding) (im also an aquarius lmao). im highly protective of her. i carry extra rubber bands on my wrist for her. i keep our money and phones in my jacket when the school takes us skiing. i sit next to her in the halls during lunch and organize her binder. on an 8th grade field trip, a boy made a gross comment at her and i broke his nose.

so we start high school together at coed catholic school nearby, i join debate, make a friend also into spn, she's bi. she asks kate out over text. kate's mom sees this. things turn.

now the rest of these things happened over the course of a couple months and due to my trauma memory loss, i have no idea how accurate some of these memories are so uh. don't hold me to them.

- her highly religious mother is not happy with this obviously. at some point, she brings a priest home and tries to have kate exorcised.

- at this point, we learn that kate is schizophrenic; it never seemed to create noticeable issues before bc her home life and childhood was a perfect happy dream (not an assumption, her words).

- she's still coming to school, sporadically now, i bring home her work, spend hours helping her.

- when she comes to school, she has seizures: sometimes we're fortunate enough that they happen in a class we have together. she freezes up and the teacher empties the room. i refuse to leave. i hold her hand and softly sing her favorite song and sometimes she comes back to me. sometimes she doesn’t and the bell rings and the teacher forces me to leave and let the nurse handle it.

- another time they announce a medical lockdown (to keep ppl out of the hallway if someone is being escorted to an ambulance) while im in catholicism class, i immediately know it’s her; she fainted in the pool during swim team practice.

- i stay awake for 6 days straight bc i read online that sleep deprivation induces some of the same symptoms as schizophrenia and if i could understand what she was going through, i could help her

- she shows up at my house w both of her parents 15 minutes before the winter ball, begs me to go bc her parents will only let her if i go. so i do. her mom lurks by the gym doors with the chaperones. during a slow song, kate and debate girl start to slow dance, i grab our friend’s hand, drag him in front of them so her mom can’t see and make out with him.

- i wanted to tell her to stop but i was too afraid i would lose us, that it would seem like i was homophobic or i was jealous, but i knew her in my marrow and it didn’t seem like she was in love or into the relationship, it was willful self destruction

- we talked in the last few years, she confirmed this.

- at some point, she says she’s sorry she didn’t tell me about the voices before.

- when we talk, she’s not her anymore, she doesn’t remember our inside jokes, our codes, i can feel her being slowly ripped away and apart in real time

- i have a vivid memory of arguing with her and her telling me im not real, that her mind made me up, while occasionally speaking to something? someone? else in the room. i hold her hand and point to the matching thin scars on our thumbs and try to convince her im real.

- she eventually drops out entirely, taken to some mental facility that im not entirely sure wasnt conversion therapy (it was definitely a religious facility) (and conversion therapy was not outlawed in new hampshire until 2019) and im not allowed to see her.

- every now and then i get cryptic distressing emails or texts from her.

- one in particular has the subject, “youandiwalkafragilelineihaveknownitallthistimebutineverthoughtidlivetoseeitbreak” which is the first line of the song ‘haunted’ by taylor swift (our shared favorite)(the summer after this happened we collectively decided we needed a new swift Our Song and chose ‘breathe’). the body of the email read “what the hell have i done”

- i pray for the first time in my life, every single day for a few months, in different languages, at temple with my parents, in the chapel at school

- on a club trip, i get a call at 2am from her, crying, asking me why i didn’t help her, why i didn’t stop her, that it was my job to protect her

here’s something i wrote about her, three yrs after:

I wasn’t careful enough and she caught quickly. She burned so close and so bright that for long afterwards, I could not see. And like that, she was gone. I walked into the chapel. Mea culpa. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.

[that last line is from the latin version for a catholic prayer called the act of contrition, it translates to “through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault”]

in the fall, i hear she’s starting at a small baptist school almost an hour from her house. she is dating the principal’s son. the principal is also her pastor.

in my second year of college, i have a bad acid trip in a snowy park in december. i put my hands into the snow and when i look at them,i see blood. i see her body in the snow adorned like it’s a funeral

i still have dreams about her. sometimes i meet her in a grassy field, flying kites and i invite her to my wedding. in others, i catch a glimpse of her ponytail and catholic school skirt and chase her up eight flights of stairs and when i grab her hand, she turns to ash.

at some point in a separate argument w my parents in which they went through my texts and found out i wasn’t straight (amongst other things) my dad says:“i knew i should’ve listened to [kate’s dad] when he told me the things you would talk about. he knew what you are. and he took his daughter away from you.”

last christmas we met up and drove around together, she tells me that for years she thought i hated her for letting me down and for abandoning me, and i literally have the dean winchester in ‘sacrifice’ five stages of grief when sam says “you know what i confessed in there?” because i could not even begin to fathom that she ever blamed herself. it had always been my fault. i had failed to save her. i corrupted her and i failed to save her.

anyways she’s fine now, she’s okay, im okay, we’ve talked and unpacked and we’re alright. but uh. yeah. that happened. the parallels make me crazy. now they can make you crazy too.

‎

[valkavavaart]

hi im bored so im doing an oc thing

i decided i wannan do this w multiple soooo im going wwww ophelia, alice, and beatrice thats all bye

1. how easy is it to make them angry? do they show their anger or hide it?

ophelia - it's kinda easy to get under her skin, and she holds a grudge so if u piss her off then she won't forget it. but also she doesn't really ACT on grudges, she'll just be a little rude next time u talk to her. she doesnt really show much emotion but does kind of having a permanent :| or >:| on her face, so she'll look annoyed even if she isn't...

beatrice - generally just being rude or annoying will make her mad, but she gets over things within seconds and doesn't take people all that seriously to begin with, so it's not like pissing her off will do much. she'll be like pouty and tell u to knock it off, but she also doesnt rlly care

alice - it's difficult to make alice mad. like you have to be SO annoying or hurt him in such a drastic way for him to get pissed. usually when hes mad hes still all smiley and happy tho so he'd kinda just be >:)

2. do they believe in soulmates

ophelia - she believes in them in the sense that one person may have multiple people that can come into their lives and be considered a soulmate bc nothing is permanent and blah blah blah she doesnt rlly care tho

beatrice - she doesn't believe in soulmates but enjoys soulmate au fanfiction

alice - he definitely believes in soulmates and fate drawing people together, but is conistantly disappointed when he finds out people he like arent destined to stay with him

3. do they have any pet peeves?

ophelia - people with no concept of personal space (unless theyre like merrick or one of her close friends)

beatrice - ppl who eat w their mouth open

alice - the sound of violins

4. do they have a happy place? somewhere they go in their heads when they need to relax?

ophelia - oph just goes to the library man

beatrice - she doesnt need one bc shes always vibing

alice - when the man needs to relax hes either drunk as hell or hanging out with as many friends as he can get together, spending time alone with his thoughts is literally a nightmare for alice

5. at what stage of their life were they the happiest?

ophelia - the current stage of her life

beatrice - there hasnt been a stage where beatrice hasnt had fun :) she doesnt have anything to worry about!

alice - the current stage of his life

6. at what stage of their life were they the least happy

ophelia - the ages of 12-17

alice - any time he gets to the point in a relationship where he breaks up w someone and then he goes into "my life sucks wahhhh" mode for a few months

7. at a bar are they more likely to buy someone a drink, or have someone buy them a drink?

ophelia & beatrice - have someone else buy them a drink

alice - buy someone a drink

8. have they ever broken any bones? if yes, how?

ophelia - when her powers manifested at the age of 12, oph lost the ability to feel physical pain which lead to her straining herself more. she'd get into accidents or push herself too hard because she couldn't feel that it hurt and wold get injured through that (and she still does, but she has more knowledge of her limits now) so i guess she wouldve broken some bones through stuff thanks to that.

beatrice - never ever broken a bone!! she drinks a lot of milk to keep her bones STURDY :)

alice - has broken like his arm or fingers or just anything in that area due to a fight or something. he'll probably have broken a leg at some point too. again, probably in a fight. or maybe he fell out a tree. who knows.

9. do they have any memories/experiences they'd rather forget?

ophelia - she generally wants to brush most of her teen years away and forget things relating to her family, but also cant bring herself to hate them despite how garbage they are, so,

beatrice - there are probably a few conversations she's had with alice and percy that she's like to never remember ever again

alice - he cherishes all his memories, good or bad! he always thinks that he can learn from his mistakes and hardships! even though all he does is repeat the exact same things over and over and o

10. what is their favourite memory from their childhood?

ophelia - although her parents have always been cold to her, they used to go camping when she was about 9-10ish, and she always enjoyed spending time with her siblings around then.

beatrice - in the method she had been created she technically never was a child um. but in her early life, she enjoyed hanging out with levi! :D

alice - haha

11. do they have a "type" that they are usually attracted to?

ophelia - no

beatrice - bea will generally befriend anyone if theyre cute or theyre like her guy friends. as for a partner, she wants someone thats at LEAST a head taller than her normal form (her regular form is 5'5"), they need to be someone that likes hugs, someone who would coddle her, someone who would cosplay with/for her, someone who would buy her things..

alice - his "type" is just "someone interesting", but he thinks all people are interesting in their own right- you have to be SUUUUUUPER boring for him to not be into you in some way.

12. do they have any favourite possessions?

ophelia - ALL her alien plushies (most of which were gifts from merrick)

beatrice - everything inside her wardrobe

alice - cleaver

13. do they have any tattoos? if no, would they ever consider getting one?

ophelia - she doesn't have any, and doesn't really want one, but she's seen some real cool space ones, and--

beatrice - tattoos vanish when she changes her form unless she focuses REALLY hard on keeping it there, so she's given up on trying to get one to be permanent.

alice - he doesn't have any, but thinks that getting a sleeve would be cool. he doesn't have any idea for what he wants, though, so he hasn't bothered getting one. he also gets worried that if he gets one of his current aesthetic, he'll get bored of it and have to do something drastic to remove it.

14. do they have any piercings? if no, would they ever consider getting any?

ophelia - has her ears pierced

beatrice - doesn't want piercings, wears clip-on earrings

alice - wants a tongue piercing r belly-button piercing maybe.. and ear piercing might also be cool...

15. what is their dream house like?

ophelia - she'd like to live in a small town on the coast or something.. she doesn't really mind living in a small house since it'd just be her and merrick. but also if she had a house with an observatory, she'd love that a LOT. generally just wants somewhere nice and laid back.

beatrice - due to her void realm taking the form of whatever she wants, she has her dream home! it's literally just an apartment with a few rooms, but it has enough space for all the stuff she wants.

alice - he's in a similar position to Beatrice in that he already has his own dream place bc teehee void realm. He's a little more selfish in that he gave himself a big house with lots of space and rooms for him to fill with stuff- but also he wanted somewhere big so that all his friends could stay with him :)

16. what is something about them that people would not expect just by looking at them?

ophelia - UHHH just how lazy she is, probably.. woman barely tolerates having to jog somewhere please let her sit down

beatrice - idk probably the fact she befriends murder boys like alice

alice - all the music he listens to is like crazy frog and caramelldansen

17. how good are they at choosing gifts for others?

ophelia - she'll either just outright ask you what you want, or she'll give you money or a gift card, she doesn't like having to guess for people

beatrice - she literally picks gifts for other people based on what SHE likes.. like she'll get u something cause she tinks it's cute it doesn't matter if u've ever mentioned it before

alice - if ur his friend then he will have a list of all ur interests in the back of his brain at all times and does a pretty good job picking out gifts thanks to that

18. do they have a certain skill that they're particularly proud of?

ophelia - she's very good at researching things and digging up information that a lot of people can't find so she thinks that's kind of epic for her

beatrice - she's good at dancing, video games, and memorizing things. she will show off these skills as much as she can.

alice - umm... eyeball removal...?

19. how would a stranger they just met describe them?

ophelia - UHHHH... she's just polite to strangers so i think she'd be described as just that?? she doesnt really leave lasting impressions on people

beatrice - cute, bubbly, maybe super annoying

alice - friendly? :D

20. how would a close friend they've known for a long time describe them?

ophelia - kinda stupid but really cute

beatrice - just a lil ray of sunshine :)

alice - if you're asking like.. kai or beatrice then it's "he's cute and fun and pretty and nice to hang out with!!" but if youre asking like percy or nero then its "hes creepy and gross and im gonna beat his ass"

[gionamim]

BRIANNE TJU,  CISFEMALE, SHE/HER.  —  looks  like GIONA MIM is  attending   AURORIA UNIVERSITY  in  auradon.  they’re  the  NINETEEN  year  old  child  of MADAM MIM,  which  means  they’re  from  THE ISLE OF THE LOST.  heard  they’re  SOCIABLE  &  LOYAL,  but  can  also  be  RECKLESS  &  FORLORN  ;  we all have our bad days.  people  normally  associate  them  with  LETTING MUSIC LEAD YOUR BODY , MUSHING A PIE ONTO SOMEONE’S FACE , STOMPING AROUND IN BOOTS TOO BIG TO FEEL POWERFUL ,  CLOSING THE DOOR SO NO ONE SEES YOU WISHING ON A STAR —  

hello hello !!! it took me way too long to plan this child but now that she’s here im so excited for her !! pls if u like cabaret, magic, baking, and bitching, then step right up !!!

[ PROFILE ]

NAME: giona giulietta mim

NICKNAMES: gg

AGE: 19 

HEIGHT: 5′1″ (smol)

BDAY: november 2 ( scorpio! )

BIRTHPLACE: camelot

DEATHPLACE: .....camelot

FEATURES TO NOTE:

vk colours: pink and green and black

tattoos of constellations dotted and lined on her left calf: the lyra, and scorpio

dotted by herself

she has no pulse, no heartbeat

she doesn’t bleed

body temperature is cold

her skin heals quicker than average, if damaged

DOESN’T LOOK ‘DEAD’ (no dead skin, no disconnecting limbs)

she actually looks pretty perfect lol thats the star in her heart ayyy

when she’s truly happy*, she glows (like a halo around her head)

*truly happy = well ..... it’s a case-by-case basis

ON THE ISLE: it wouldn’t have been a full halo ... just more like a sparkle in her eye 

[ BACKGROUND/ SUMMARY AT THE END OF THIS SECTION  ]

madam mim has always been an average witch, but the way she gains excessive power momentarily is by eating the hearts of other witches, wizards, and magical creatures. this was how she fought merlin, way back when. and when she was defeated, she was furious, distraught, ashamed, embarrassed, but mainly furious

she spent years trying to find the perfect heart to consume, the one that would give her the ultimate power to defeat merlin once and for all (petty bitch)

she REALLLYYYY just hated losing and its SO PETTY BUT SHE LETS IT DRIVE THE REST OF HER DAMN LIFE

and it took her years and years. TOO LONG, in fact. because by the time she found one, the creation of the isle of the lost had been found, and she was running out of time.

she figured out that the way to beat merlin was to use his own tools against him: LOVE, BELIEF, GOODNESS. and she was losing power, so there were no pure hearts to be found easily (though snow white had plenty of children, they were too heavily guarded), so she sought other means. 

she studied the lore of stars. she charted, planned, and waited for the next fallen star. it is said that if you were to consume the essence of a star, you would be filled with the purest magic of all, an everlasting, and sustaining magic. 

a week before she’s meant to be thrown into the isle, she finds a star. 

but it’s not all she thought it would be. the essence of the star was so pure, it was fading in her evil hands. in its raw form, it refused to be consumed, let alone touched, by her. so she wrapped it up in a cloth (its light already fading slowly), and scurried away, seeking another way to keep the star and ultimately eat it. 

bear in mind this is all just to defeat merlin 

she experiments quickly, using millifractions of the star and testing it on different creatures: she finds out that if she chooses the little woodland creatures and let them eat the heart -- and she eats their hearts...she’s awashed with the intense magic. 

but how to find a large enough heart that will stay alive all these years in the isle? she decides to find her child. the child she abandoned decades ago, the one where she can’t even remember where she left it. 1 year old, wandering the woods, died in the cold of winter. but she knows where it would have gone -- to the land of the dead.

and there, she finds a wizened old skeleton (elder gutknecht) telling her that she simply cannot take the dead out as she pleases -- but madam mim uses the last of her magic to find a way and now she finally has a capsule in which to keep the essence of the star

she keeps it in her daughter’s heart. and as soon as it is in there, the girl comes back to life -- well, an almost-life. she has no blood rushing through her veins, no heartbeat. she doesn’t feel pain or exhaustion as a living girl does. 

on the isle, mim begins a MIM’S MUSICALE -- a cabaret show and dinner theatre. giona is the cleaner and the waitress, as soon as she was old enough to carry a tray of food and a mop&bucket. it helps when your child’s half-dead and somehow seems more energetic at night. 

this is where mim’s ego truly thrives bc even tho she’s lost her shapeshifting powers, its still like 7 nights a week, ppl going to HER place to watch HER perform (like they have a choice lmao)

probably gives herself awards

fast forward to 12 yrs old: mim is settling into isle life but still impatient for when she and the other villains can break out. she hears giona singing while washing the dishes from the night before. the girl can sing. and, yes she was losing patrons bc mim’s performances are just too abstract for ppl to like (clearly). so she forces giona to become the new act. makes her perform, sing, dance, every night. 

mim almost forgets that there’s a star in this girl’s heart. she almost forgets, until she sees those small moments when giona’s in the kitchen, when she thinks mim can’t see her; baking a small cupcake from whatever ingredients she could find, and though there’s no magic allowed on the isle ... there is still something unnaturally bright about that girl. and she hates her for it. 

this ‘goodness’ and ‘purity’ thing is very merlin-y and she HAAAAATES THAT

HATES SUNLIGHT, HATES BRIGHTNESS, HATE, HATE, HATE!!!

BLACK SORCERY IS IN !!! MERLIN IS OUT !!!!!

so she works giona to death (sort of). and tells her she’s ugly. and bullies her into low self-esteem. 

16 years old: mim is getting more restless about being trapped in the isle. she decides to take action again. she begins to teach giona the mim magic, which is hexes and jinxes and shapeshifting, and ofc, a hatred for merlin. 

but by this time, giona’s made up her own mind about her life. and she won’t let her mother live it. 

SUMMARY: giona was dead and brought back to life with star-essence that mim put inside her heart, so she will eat the heart when giona breaks her out of the isle and then she’ll use that star magic to destroy merlin and be considered the greatest sorceror once and for all mwahahahaha. also the star thing is a complete secret, mim hasn’t told ANYONE and giona has no clue about the glowy thing.

WHAT CLOSE FRIENDS OF GIONA WOULD KNOW:

she has no heartbeat, her body is sort of cold, doesn’t bleed, doesn’t need as much sleep

probably if they’re the kind of friends that like ... are genuinely good for each other lmao, they probably saw a bit of giona’s ‘glow’ when she’s truly happy

[ PERSONALITY ]

100 bad bitches can’t tell me nothin’

still a sort of mini-mim because giona also has a very short temper and is prone to just .... never letting things go lmao 

hates her mother: found out at a young age that actually, she’s not ugly, and she’s not stupid and she starts to drown out mim’s nagging and bullying

but still, in the middle of the night (bc for some reason she feels more active at night and cant sleep), she hears her mother’s voice in her head and cries herself to sleep

loves music & shows & plays & acting & performing:  but hates being forced by her mother to do everything. she hates being forced to sing by someone, she hates being told what to do

hate hate hate !!!!

loves to bake: little cupcakes and muffins and baked goods, and cookies ofc, and bread, she loves to make all kinds of bread and pastries. at least, that’s the dream. on the isle, she’d be lucky if she could find clean flour. so far, she’s only made cookies and tiny cupcakes.

these foods are only reserved for her friends, and they are all SWORN to secrecy that they will never tell her mother

loyal to a fault: once she feels she can trust you, she will never let u go. it’s ride or die. growing up with a mother hell-bent on hating her, she began to appreciate the few friends she made on the isle, and will do absolutely anything for them

still tho she’s like ..... she’s a bitch first and a friend later 

loud as hell and speaks her mind and would probably get a tattoo that says NO RAGRETS.

loves magic: CAN’T WAIT TO USE HER POWERS AND TURN INTO ??? A BIRD ???

doesn’t know anything about her heart: all she knows is that her mother tells her to keep herself safe, otherwise all that “business of trying to bring you back to life will be for nothing”. 

so yeah, she knows she was dead. but she just believes her mother used necromancy to bring her back, and it clearly didn’t work the whole way because she’s not fully alive

but you wouldn’t even know it unless you tried to find a heartbeat

[ how they feel about heroes/villains ]

giona only hates one thing for sure that is her mother lmao

merlin ???? will be fun to see but like otherwise doesnt give two shits, will probably praise him and send him a cupcake to thank him for defeating her mum

operates on a “if you mess with me, i will mess with you back” basis

doesn’t want to join any squads that plan to ‘ruin auradon’ because to her its just hakuna matata bro let it go why can’t you just be happy we’re actually here ?? lets fuckin run away !!!

[ CONNECTYONS ]

from the isle:

VKs who regularly came to MIM’S MUSICALE and saw her perform! she will hate the reminder ty 

MIM probably also hired a few weekly performers, ppl who performed once a night so if ur muse was a performer on the isle pls hmu !!!! 

VK friends that giona met and has them try her tiny baked goods 

they must love the cupcakes and cookies OR ELSE >:(

now in auradon:

those who know magic, who would investigate/recognise why she glows when she’s ‘truly happy’ and tell her that she’s a STAR and that her mother is probably planning to EAT HER

DEAD PEOPLE TO BOND WITH OVER BEING DEAD 

women/nb to squad up with and go shopping with and basically pls give her a girl squad she will fight anyone for you and you can do each other’s nails and just MAKE HER TRULY HAPPY W REAL FRIENDS AAHHH

someone to show her the kitchens :0 and take her grocery shopping :0

MAGIC PPL TO TEST-DRIVE MAGIC WITH. i’m talking fun duels, and pranking people pls.

musicals ?? to join ??? where she can finally play the roles she wants to play, and sing the songs she wants to sing ??? amazin

[ MAD MIM MAGIC ]

shapeshifts into any animal !

shapeshifts their size ! can be teeny-tiny or gigantic

shapeshifts their features to look a little different ??? like can look hideous, or more beautiful, or taller, or with bigger ears -- but can’t change into a whole other person

potions and hexes and jinxes take more concentration, but she can do it

[ NOTES / STAR THINGS ]

oKAY SO !!!!

the star part is greatly inspired by Stardust, the movie, especially the part about her glowing when she’s truly happy

mim is essentially growing her child to one day be able to eat her heart, gain the infinite powers, and defeat merlin

but since giona is the star (over the years, the star became a part of her heart), rather than someone who consumed it, the magic works differently for her. so she glows, and she heals easily, and she is awake more at night. with giona, the star ecomes a way of being rather than a power-source.

if her heart were to be taken out, she would go back to being dead, with no hope of a second life as an undead or zombie, because the star is the only life giona actually has. once it is gone, she is nothing.

giona can still do all of madam mim’s typical magic ! shapeshifting is the big one, and her thing is pink-green coloured animals. 

[hvlly-blog]

- ̗̀ ❛ muse 22 , kim chungha , she / her . ❜ ̖́- did you hear about the monaco trip ? it’s legendary at ucla. holland “holly” min is going, i’m so jealous. their instagram makes it seem like they’re pretty vivacious and they’re all about an empty locket around a delicate neck  &  strawberry flavored lip gloss. can you believe they’re only twenty-one and they’re going on a free trip to monaco for the summer ? hopefully they don’t let their quixotic side show too much on the trip. 

hello… im xan ( she / her pronouns ) im 21 and its been...200 years since i’ve made an intro post or rped so JSDBJW go easy on me ! fun fact half my keyboard is broken…..so if i take 10 yrs to reply sometimes just kno….a bitch is trying her best ok... literally just winging all of this as i type if u thought i had a plan think again JSDBWB *jungkook vc* lets get it....

pause . before we get it JDBWJDJ we can plot here over ims if discord isnt ur scene !! BUT i am....way more likely to respond to discord messages bc its easier !! so u can find me on there @  A GIRL WITH LUV 💖✨🌙#8172 

idk what is triggering for any of u so if mentions of AGE GAPS, DRUG ABUSE, CAR ACCIDENTS, or SEX ADDICTIONS is sensitive stuff pls proceed with caution !!!

BACKSTORY: so . this is holland but she thinks her name is UGLY so she goes by holly 

she was born and raised in los angeles and her parents both own / run a luxury chain of rehab centers for ppl with $$$ ( u already know i want a plot involving this xx ) they are new money ! so holly really does not understand ... the spoiled lifestyle since her parents raised her pretty conciously on stories abt how they struggled as immigrants coming to a new country & making it & all that jazz

as a kid her parents would host / try to charm a lot of potential donors or clients so they’d make holly “entertain” them like as a kid she’d just be cute or maybe sing a song from chorus or just be impressively well-behaved but the older she got...the more her mom would demand from her /:

as all this was going on her parents started to have issues so instead of working it out.... holly’s dad just started traveling a whole lot to other states & countries where they had a business so growing up he wasn’t really in the picture . rip !

back to holly ! so her mom had a few close business partners and “friends” that where around holly’s family pretty much all the time and there was this one guy who was relatively younger than most of the men but still significantly older than 14 year old holly who had a huge crush. basically this man tried to take advantage of that bc hes UGLY .

one day holly’s mom caught this dude alone with holly and being way too friendly for comfort and instead of flipping on the dude she flipped on holly and was like we could lose our business and i think it’s all ur fault for causing drama” and holly was literally like What the Fuck !!! her mom cut off all ties with the dude but she still made holly feel like it was her own fault woo !!

more stuff her mom did ? yea ! one night when she was 17 she was out with this guy who had celebrity parents just eating at a nice place and drinking after and as he was driving her home, they get into a big car accident. turns out that the guy she had gone to dinner with had a coke addiction & was literally high the whole time & the only reason holly’s mom had set them up was so he’d check into their rehab center bc his famous parents were considering it but she never told holly any of that so holly was PISSED but relatively unharmed from the accident besides some bruising

basically by the time college came a bitch was ready she moved out, trying to have a fresh start away from her home life ! but college was also messy basically over the years holly developed a big dependency issue where she literally...craves attention and intimacy sososo bad bc she never got it from her family so ! she looks for it in other ppl like she needs to feel that validation so bad & she does that with really unhealthy sexual habits low key bordering addiction ! 

oh also ? since her family was never the family vacation type JSBDWJBDJ she’s never left california before so a bitch is VERY excited and if u try to make her feel bad for it . she will tell u to fuck off and let her have this !

PERSONALITY + TIDBITS: honestly one of the most sociable ppl u will ever meet she was literally raised to entertain and please so its super easy for her to make friends !! literally one of those ppl that just.....know everyone and ur like how the fuck !!! an avid social media user...are u even friends if u dont have a snap streak ? not to holly JSBDJWBDJ definitely her guilty pleasure aside from u know...sex ! 

speaking of sex she really.....ho(e)lly gets around ... 100% a chaotic bi but her trust for men is abt at a solid 0 ! she will still desperately seek validation from them though so thats fun ! she can be a gossip bc shes a gemini ... but she never does it on purpose she just ... tells funny stories & realizes half way through she was talking abt a friend’s tinder date horror story ... oops ... share secrets cautiously ! 

for someone who makes friends like its nothing shes pretty hesitant to share any real info abt herself bc she fears being rejected and abandoned ( not just romantically ) more than anything else like shes one of those ppl who ur like “oh yeah i know her!” but if someone asks u to tell them one important thing abt her ur not gonna know wtf to say

also she’s usually very amiable but if ur just .... a horrible person .. shes gonna be honest about it SDBSJWB shes got some strong opinions ! but also very unrealistic expectations in others so a lot of the time shes just ... disappointing herself for hyping u up inside her own head

she was an english major ! bc i love to self insert <3 JSDBJWBJ but she low key wishes she did something with film bc she loves editing videos & making videos abt her friends so if ur her pal ... u 100% have abt 50 videos ur a star in ! she tried to learned to speak french 100% for the aesthetic of it but only remembers like 5 words….she used to play the fucking ukulele but stopped bc her mom was like holly grow UP JSBDSJBJW shes scared of the dark /: like legit scared if she is sleeping alone a light has to stay on....and yea i dont know what else this is long enough JSDBJSWBJW IM SORRY

im out of ... juice UHHH but some basic ideas for plots are stuff to do with her family ( family friends, maybe ur muse or their family is somehow involved with her parent’s rehab center, or ur muse or their family could have been one of those business partners...whew we have possibilities !!! ), shes an only child so i would die for sibling type friendships, hmm also fwbs or just hook up connections bc those can get uhh Dramatic since she is so dependent on sex, also would die for like confidants bc thats rare for holly like sharing her deep feelings or whatever ... enemy plots are sexy but im gonna be real honest here . i suck at purely hateful connections so if u want a mean plot we gotta have depth ! JSXBDSJDB um romatic stuff too also more platonic stuff like best friends or party buddies thats literally enough i’ve been typing for HOURS . plot with me .. or Perish xx

[dcrothy]

hello friends !! it’s ya hoe moose (she/her) & i’m 21 and chillin over in the cst. i’m jazzed af to join this lovely group and rp with u all !! my gal dorothy here is a semi-new muse & i’m still working some stuff out with her but.....hopefully u like her anyway lmaooo. i would love love love to plot with u all so feel free to HMU or just LIKE THIS and i’ll come to you !! if you prefer to chat on discord just hmu on there instead, that’s chill with me. also bc i am such a.....pinterest hoe u can catch her board HERE !! more info abt her under the cut of course~

[ kristine froseth, cisfemale, she/her, 20 ] GINGER by THE FRONT BOTTOMS? whenever i hear that song, it reminds me of DOROTHY LINDVIG. maybe because they’re VIVACIOUS but also ALOOF. they’ve been living at mulberry apartments since AUGUST of 2016 in 410 and have 1 ROOMMATE. 

tw: trauma, eating disorder, drug use !!

ok so !!!! first thing’s first, she usually does by the nickname dolly. but she doesn’t care too much abt what u call her u can call her fuckass and she’d just be like what’s up

she’s a town native !!! grew up in a shitty area w a kind of shitty family. parents were never around, always off on benders or just....generally bein shitty parents. dolly & her older brother had to learn how to take care of themselves when they were pretty young and they’ve always done just fine. they didn’t have a lot of money so dolly got pretty good at playing up the cute lil girl role and getting free stuff out of ppl

as much as she claims she relies only on herself, she also relies heavily on the kindness of strangers bc without them she definitely would have gone hungry for real

in order to stay away from her house as much as possible she would hang out at the skating rink as a kid & eventually after stealing a pair of skates from the lost & found she taught herself how to skate & eventually figure skate as well. she’s always wanted to go pro but.....obviously couldn’t afford the training

her brother used to throw pretty big ragers in their place when their parents were gone so......she started drinking & doing drugs at a pretty young age & just generally hanging out with ppl who were much older than her & v bad influences.

trauma tw !! it was at one of these parties that she had a traumatic experience w one of her brother’s friends. she was 13 and she still hasn’t told anyone about what happened. it happened on more than one occasion and her brother is still friends w this boy so she just.....does her best to avoid him & pretend that nothing ever happened bc she refuses to acknowledge her trauma

she was pretty popular in school but never rly felt like she had any true friends ??? none of her relationships were all that deep and she mostly just hung out with people to get free stuff LMAO and like rides places i guess

but she does have her lil group of friends that she truly cares abt and when she actually cares abt u.......she’s around for LIFE u cant get rid of her sorry

she got emancipated when she was 16 and has been living on her own ever since. at first she’d would just stay at friend’s houses and sleep on their couches, but that stopped when she finally got a job at the skating rink teaching kids how to skate & got a new place to live. she’s been chillin working there and living in the apartment building for a couple of years now

despite the fact she has a job, a good portion of her income doesn’t even rly come from that ??? she has......a sugar daddy who finances most of her spending

that is.....a v brief outline of her life up until this point but imma talk a bit abt her personality now

she is.....very magnetic tbH. knows how to draw in a group and keep them interested

knows how to bat her eyelashes and flirt if it means she’ll get something out of it

she’s kind of mean, kind of not ??? she is v moody a lot of the time tbh like it’s either hit or miss with her. sometimes she’ll be in the mood to have a big long chat and in a split second she’ll be telling u to fuck off

likes to know everyone else’s drama but doesn’t like having drama of her own

kind of does her own thing ???? marches to the beat of her own drum. doesn’t rly follow any rules. she’s just out here

does most things out of spite. even if she doesn’t want to do something, if someone tells her she cant do something she’s gna do it no matter what

very animated and lively. the type to dance in the middle of the grocery store if a song she likes is playing

also the type to dance on tables at the club

doesn’t rly care what ppl think about her but.....does at the same time ??? if ur important to her she cares deeply abt ur opinion but if not........she doesn’t give a FUCK

makes homes out of people far too easily & it’s fucked her up!!!!!

she always has to keep herself busy or else she’ll lose her mind :))))

will do.......literally anything to get something for free ??? doesn’t matter what it is or who u are. she can HATE u but.....she will still blow u behind the 7/11 for a free slurpee u know

i wouldn’t say she’s hypersexual but she is highly sexual thx to her trauma !!!

she is friendly yet distant at the same time so like......while she will happily talk to u and hang out with u and whatever she avoids deep conversation topics ig ??? she always finds a way to leave or change the subject when it gets serious or make a joke out of things bc she can’t.........talk abt stuff ajsdfjkgdjgk

a very witty & clever girl. she’s v smart and would have done well in school had she had a slightly better life & didn’t have to worry abt whether or not she would starve

some extra tidbits abt her !!!

p much all of her clothing is vintage/thrifted. she likes to re-purpose old clothes and make them her own. but her aesthetic is v vintage. shoes are her fave & she’s always wearing some funky type of boot or platform shoe

just a real fashion bitch !!!!

catch her online shopping at almost any given moment

mental breakdown haircuts at 2am are her Mood

she loves going to cute lil vintage diners & drinkin a cherry coke. she....actually is lowkey addicted to pop 

can’t keep a relationship to save her life. will date someone and put herself FULLY into the relationship but.......will either get bored or cheat on them or put them up on a pedestal so it’s destined to fail after one lil mistake.

she is a self-sabotager like that bc she doesn’t believe she’s deserving of love or any good things really

smokes cigarettes

drug use tw !! smokes a lot of weed probably. also does a lot of cocaine. has a coke addiction, in fact

her fave colour is red

she has a cat named freddie who she adores more than anything else on the planet

likes to play poker & gamble

will literally try anything once

hates herself & is rotting inside!!!!!!!!!!!!

eating disorder tw !! another symptom from her trauma is the eating disorder she developed as a teen. food is.....one of her few things in life she can fully control so she controls it a Lot. she’ll go days without eating just to feel more in control & then often times after restricting a certain food for a v long time she’ll go on a massive binging and purging and it’s awful :////// 

just wants to have fun and forget abt how disgusting she feels on a daily basis & how much she hates herself :))))))))))

generally just.............a messy bitch

this is......a LOT. i don’t have a full wc page or anything yet but here r some ideas ig ???

friends !! ppl that don’t actually know her all that well but she pretends they do anyway

exes !! ya girl puts her whole entire being into relationships even tho she runs away from them right after bc self sabotage ???? so she prob isn’t on good terms with any of her exes but......she’s my bi queen so this is open to anybody!!!!

a drug dealer

party buddies

fwbs & hookups, that kinda thing

maybe someone she cheated on a partner with ??? for Drama

or like....someone who’s relationship she fucked up idk

maybe someone who has a crush on her or something & she’s like.......pls don’t what r u doing

someone she has a crush on & avoids them like the plague bc feelings are gross

a good influence

idK i want angst & cute fluffy stuff so just.........everything pls thank uuuu

and ofc.............the song connections i’ve sent to the main~

that was a LOT im sorry y’all but..........come plot w me pleaseeee :’)

[wheretogofrmhere]

I hate to ask this question but it's on my mind & I can't shake it ya know? But did you ever think that maybe Niall's not a good boyfriend? That's a hard thought to admit but its hard not to notice that H is looking stressed and tired and overworked in LA and he seems happy & laughing and having a good time in UK. He just seems super unbothered. Ugh I hate that I'm wondering this but do you think he dumped her to play around? I can't believe he cheated on her, I just don't wanna believe that.

okay so im gonna kinda hit on these from all points, if they come out kinda harsh i apologize, not my intent at all. i just want to clear up some things from my perspective. 

1. she looks stressed and tired BC she is stressed and tired, most likely from working non-stop and bc she has been since…..pretty much May. the only time shes had a moment to take a breath was the two weeks from the end of her tour until she started filming her tv show. and in between that, shes been doing photoshoots and also flying home to do re-shoots for bumblebee and im assuming trying to STILL get her album going. shes a busy busy girl, and that wears down on ppl rEALLY fast. i do not think shes looking stressed solely bc of niall. 

tbh, i think she looks fine/normal and as gorgeous as ever. i really dont see a difference other than her saying she was super tired in her livestream the other day. but 🤷🏻‍♀️

2. i dont get this whole “hes looking fine and happy so hes clearly okay” shit. only bc we KNOW for 100% fact that he went through hell and back for MONTHS after having his heart broken and we were literally none the wiser the entire time. just bc someone is smiling on the outside doesnt mean they aint got shit going on on the inside and that needs to be nipped in the bud fast. especially niall bc we know how good he is at “keeping face” for his fans and keeping his private life to himself. i do not think him having a good time on the golf course with his friends at one of the most important golf tourneys there is and 2 pics of him smiling at a wedding can really give us any insight on how hes actually feeling or anything he might be going through at the moment. and really that goes for anyone. 

and im not saying that he IS going through something and we just cant tell, im just saying that using him smiling at a wedding or having fun at a celebration party as a gauge of anything is not a good factor. that man can hide his private feelings REALLY well. 

3. no. i dont think he dumped her to fuck around or that he cheated on her (where are these ideas/rumors coming from?!?!) and yes, i DO think niall is a decent guy and a good boyfriend (from what i can tell). like, aside from his entire fucking album giving me that indication, from what she said many times, she was/is very much “in love” and they seemed/seem really blissfully happy, and there have been tons of pics to prove it, so i dont think that if he was a “bad boyfriend”, any of those things would have been the case. 

4. i do not know what is, if anything, going on with them in terms of them splitting up. again, nothing for me has caused any big red flags yet. ppl get stressed, ppl have other obligations/commitments, ppl in their industry work non-stop sometimes, ppl fight, they take time apart. its what happens and its real life. i do not know and i cant say until its made clear by either of them and at this point, i just dont even want to suggest such a thing. i dont want to put that bad energy out there. if they are still together, thats great! if they arent, then they arent. it sucks, but it is what it is. but again, nothing has jumped out for me to give me any real concerns and i think fans are holding onto this idea and picking shit apart and making things out of nothing.

at the end of the day, its their life and there is nothing i can do about any of it, no matter how much i would love for them to stay together forever lol im just gonna wait and see what happens. 

[frostironficrecs]

Any recs for the best frostiron aus? Bonus for lots of fluff or hurt/comfort :)

sdfghjk i know for a fact that this ask has been in my inbox/drafts for over a month and!! anon!!! im really fucking sorry!!! i hope you see this

now, these are some of the more notable and favored aus that i have within the first few pages of my bookmarks on ao3, i didnt poll ppl on their fave aus, so, yeah. i did try to find fluffy or h/c ones in particular tho, so i hope these are enjoyable. also its really very late for me so im just gona give titles, author/ratings/warnings, and summaries again.

Part of Your World- sombified419, T, Chose No WarningsTony hates business meets - HATES them - but he owed Pepper and off they went to Cuba. It was totally worth it, though, when a secluded walk on the beach led him to the love of his life. He couldn't have been happier - even with the slight problem of getting said love back to New York. Loki was primarily a swimmer, after all.

Dollars to Donuts- flailingmuse, T, No WarningsTony texts Loki offering money for Loki to be his personal takeout guy. It’s weird, but so is Tony, and Loki is strapped for cash. The arrangement becomes something more when Tony changes the script and asks him for something else – a favour.

1001 Tales of Once Upon a Time- lucius_complex, T, Chose No Warnings (Slight DubCon at one point, bc of soe noncon-ish kissing.)He could almost feel Steve’s stare burning a hole through his head. ‘I don’t understand Tony, what can you possibly do out of your suit that we haven’t already tried?‘It’s Widow that puts it together first. ‘It’s not what. It's who.'

Borrowed Heat- usedupshiver, T, No WarningsNo, Tony isn’t pleased about the fact that Loki is now a part of the Avengers. He can’t really forgive, he definitely can’t trust, but team is team so he does his best to deal with it. When a magical mishap turns Loki into a dragon – of all things! – it's for some reason still Tony he seeks out for help and protection. So now Tony is stuck with a clingy and demanding dragon for company, until things can hopefully be set right.The rest of the Avengers are not amused, but getting to know Loki in this new skin is letting Tony see the team trickster in a different light. Maybe he’s really not all bad?

Lead Me Not into Temptation; I Can Find the Way Myself- Like_a_Hurricane, Not Rated, Chose No WarningsWhen something ripped a hole in time and space, flavored with a hint of death, shards of the machinations responsible for it fell into the distortion. One shard did land on earth, and Tony nicked it from a friend's lab. The event that followed led someone to him, god or devil, possibly both, who found the mad inventor half-dead in a cave tearing palladium out of missiles. The god or devil, Loki of Asgard, eventually offered him a deal. From there temptation, damnation, and lack of any care for redemption, began to weave tangled webs around both parties, complicating matters considerably.

To Be Your Equal- usedupshiver, M, No WarningsGrowing up an unwanted orphan, to become an outsider with strange powers, Loki wishes for nothing more than to find a place and a purpose in life. When he is hired to help the rather mysterious Mr. Edward Stark with his just as mysterious work, he hopes to have found both.But nothing is ever easy, and even as Loki finds himself drawn to Stark, there might simply be too many things keeping them apart. Loki must decide what he is willing to sacrifice, and what means too much to ever give up...(A word of warning, there is a short sex scene between Steve and Loki but its very easily skippable, which is very much what I did.)

Taking the Fall- usedupshiver, M, No WarningsEveryone expects Tony to end up eaten alive sooner rather than later when he is put in the same cell as the Lyesmith, a man so dangerous even the members of his former gang are afraid to come after him. But sometimes it might actually be wise to just grin in the face of danger.

Innocent Hearts- STARSdidathing,T, No WarningsPrince Loki knows he's not as revered and praised as his older brother, but he still so desperately wants to be able to impress the one Asgardian boy who holds his affections. It just somehow never seems to go to plan.

If You Had This Time Again- dlsTony Stark closed his eyes in a wrecked Siberian bunker and woke up on a demolished New York street. Four years earlier.

Precious Gifts- STARSdidathing, M, No WarningsThor and the other Aesir might enjoy Midgard and the way its people worships them, but Loki is growing tired of such a simple, boring, mortal world. He is also growing tired of the virginal 'gifts' that the mortals keep trying to bestow on him. Loki has no intention of accepting any of them... but, well, that's before Anthony is offered to him. 

A Place To Stand- KageOtogi, M, Chose No WarningsWhen Tony Stark finds himself trapped in a parallel universe, there’s only one place he can turn to for assistance: Asgard. Unfortunately, the god that answers his call isn’t the one he was trying to reach, and Tony is left relying on Loki to help him take down Amora before she makes the change permanent and leaves Tony stuck in a world where Steve Rogers never became Captain America, Bruce Banner never turned into the Hulk, Clint Barton never went straight, and Natasha Romanoff doesn’t even exist. 

Family Reunions- LokasennaHiddleston, T, Graphic ViolenceWhen a freak accident raises questions about Tony's mortality, the Avengers find out there's a reason why Tony always survives his self-destructive heroics. Tony thinks he has the worst luck with dads and wants to just crawl back to bed with Loki. As for Loki... He just wants his lover to keep his promise and stay alive for a change.And to think, it's all because of Clint's dog.

Thou Shall Not Fall- STARSdidathing, T, No WarningsTony has only ever met one other vampire that likes to have as much fun as he does.

Diece Your Lonely Heart- STARSdidathing, T, No WarningsInside a snowflake like the one on your sleeve, there happened a story you must see to believe.Loki, a Jotun on Mt Jotunheim, was all alone; abhorred and feared by the Midgardians and the Aesir he hadn't seen another soul since he ran away as a child. Tony Stark was a Midgardian who didn't quite fit in with all the Christmas cheer. He needed to climb the Mountain to retrieve something and to get away from all the festivities.Tony was never one to believe in rumors but Loki was never one to believe in miracles. Christmas was just a fairytale and neither of them expected anything else.

String Theory- lashworthe, M, Major ((mostly) temporary) Character DeathIt's 136 years since Tony Stark died, taking with him all the secrets of his genius. Loki Ruser is the new up and coming genius who buys up the old Malibu home of Tony Stark to discover its secrets. He gets more than he bargains for when he discovers the Iron Man design plans, and a sentient hologram of Tony Stark himself. Eventual mature content. COMPLETE.

and thats all they wrote folks!! again,,, super sorry for having this take so long,,,,, aaaaaaa

[uniformbravo]

“quick” life update while i wait for my ipod to charge

(do ppl even still use ipods in this day & age. whats spotify)

i never made any posts abt it but i started the new semester & im taking 2 classes, it’s funny actually bc i waited even more til the last minute than i usually do to figure out my classes & spent the 1st week of school trying to see a counselor to find out if i still needed classes and that’s a whole other story for a whole other day but long story short the answer was no but i decided to take a couple anyway

mainly because every time im not in school The Depression takes over & i just needed something to Do so im taking intermediate painting (even tho painting 1 made me want 2 die every day) and animation (even tho i’ve already decided i don’t want to be an animator????)

so heres the thing, okay, since these are classes i don’t need in order to fill any requirements or anything i had to pick them based on nothing, really, like my main reason for taking classes this semester was to give myself something to do, right. i picked painting because my friend had told me she was taking it so i was like yo i’ll just do that too bc we had fun last time & it’s a good way to stay in contact. originally that was gonna be my only class bc i knew it’d be a lot of work and time but then i talked to my school’s art counselor about transferring to another school after im graduated from here and i’d said i was maybe interested in storyboarding so we looked at schools with animation programs and i decided super last minute to just take the animation class here and Boy what a mistake

last semester i was talking on here about a computer art class i had considered taking but dropped bc it seemed kinda... shitty?? because i hated the way the teacher taught and i felt like i wasn’t gonna gain anything from the class??? well animation is taught by the same guy and hhhhhhhhh he’s so fucking unhelpful it’s such a nothing class

see i was hoping to learn some hand-drawn animation basics like timing, squash & stretch, the fucking bouncing ball assignment, shit like that, right. the teacher was like “today we’re gonna go over the 12 principles of animation” and i was like “sweet i’ve heard of that this’ll be good” & literally he brought up a list, read off most of the names, briefly described a few, and told us to google it if we wanted more info like?? holy shit dude????? thanks for nothing oh my god

i’ve been taking a lot of time practicing animating in flipnote studio on my 3ds and watching youtube videos and i’ve been learning so much more from that than anything explained by my teacher bc godddd. basically what the class boils down to is like. flash animation. so far we’ve been working in adobe illustrator and animate & i cannot stand illustrator. i know it’s a good and useful program and if i wanted to i could learn how to use it & eventually get used to it but just the way he teaches it makes me want 2 slam dunk my computer

the computer art basics class was strongly recommended to be taken before this class but tbh i don’t even think that’s the issue here because i tried to take that class and his method was the same; he does a demo on screen that you’re supposed to follow along and do with him and he explains what hes doing as he goes but he goes so fast that if u miss a step ur fucked 

and it’s not just that he goes fast, it’s also that theres no understanding of the program itself, like ok u know how in math there’s all these formulas where if u just plug numbers into them it gives u the right answer? i always understood formulas better when i knew what each variable stood for & why the values were being added or multiplied together because then it made it easier to extract the information i needed from word problems and also helped me memorize the formulas themselves easier because i could make those associations between numbers and purpose. i had the groundwork of the formula, so i could apply it to all kinds of situations

this class is like, he only gives you the very specific formulas required to accomplish very specific tasks in the programs so i can’t make the connections to figure out how to perform other tasks and i get super lost every time & it’s super frustrating & i could ask for help because he comes around and helps people who need it but i sit in the back corner so he never really even looks my way so i feel like i can’t get his attention w/o speaking up or getting up to go get him & i get lost so often that it’s really just a pain to ask him every single time

i just hate when i have a problem in one of the programs & i just have absolutely no clue how to fix it or even work around it? im used to photoshop and illustrator is just so opposite that my brain doesn’t want to work with it so im. 100% floundering in this class

we have 2 assignments during the whole semester, the first was a group project where we hand draw a 3-second animation (~30 frames) and that was literally the very first thing we did in the class with no prior guidance and honestly i suspect that the only reason he assigns it is to fill the requirement for a group project (which i know is a thing bc a lot of my past teachers have talked about it being a thing) so it was literally just. a nothing project

the second assignment is our final which is a 90-second animation (~1080 frames) and we have basically the rest of the semester to work on it, so about a month and a half-ish? and all we’ve learned how to do so far is motion tweening in animate, basically. i mean we did a ball-and-string thing which was kind of different but it mostly involved a lot of copy+paste bullshit in illustrator & also like automatic shortcuts & stuff, there was really no drawing involved at all

also it’s one of those classes where everyone just kind of messes around and does their own thing like?? i saw one girl reading manga on her computer & these two dudes at my table were comparing yugioh cards & i hear like 50 thousand conversations about anime every day & i mean im not one to talk tbh but it’s just the atmosphere, it feels like u either know what ur doing or u just fuck around w/ ur friends and im in the “neither of those” category and the girl who was reading manga is in the “both” category bc every other time i’ve looked over there she’s got this amazing masterpiece on her screen that she made in illustrator & i die inside every time what the fuckkc 

he showed us examples of final projects from last semester and i noticed that some of them were done traditionally or in programs that were obviously not illustrator so i asked him about it & he said it doesn’t have to be done in illustrator/animate as long as it’s 90 seconds long so Guess What i think i’m just gonna make it somewhere else lmaooo i mean i feel like it’s a missed opportunity bc i have these programs at my disposal & im not even using them but god amn. god fuckign damn

im thinking of animating it in flipnote bc that’s what i’ve been using & im pretty familiar with it by now but im not sure because there are some important things im not sure i’ll be able to accomplish with it like backgrounds (which are another requirement for the assignment) and i don’t want to back myself into a corner, especially with how little time i have to do it, so idk for sure. my other idea was to use clip studio paint but i have the pro version which only lets u use 24 frames per animation which totals out to a whopping 2 seconds so idk if i want to have to deal with that bullshit either. right now im considering making the rough animation in flipnote so i can figure out the timing & shit and then slapping it into clip studio to finalize everything (or technically i could even do that in photoshop, since im more familiar w/ it & can probably work faster there- from photoshop it’d be a matter of copying the finished frames into clip studio to export into 2-second clips & then compile those in movie maker & then bam finished animation)

so!!! it’s a lot of shit im dealing with in this class & im just like. if im doing it this way then why do i even need to show up for class. what am i even in this class for im just basically making an animation on my own time with my own resources using none of the techniques taught in the class. im only doing this animation because it’s an assignment for the class im not gaining anything from. it just seems so pointless & the only thing getting me through it is the thought that i could possibly put this in a portfolio somewhere down the line, and for that i’d want it to look nice and not rushed so im thinking that for the sake of finishing the assignment i might just use my rough animation so that i can spend more time on the “nice” version afterward

aaaanyway it’s um Late for me & i went on about this for too long but i needed to get it off my chest tbh, i’ve been thinking abt making this post for like 2 weeks so there u go. i didn’t even talk about my painting troubles good lord. if you’ve been wondering why i havent been online as much lately This is why. also bc im a huge loser and 100% of my free time has been going into watching anime bye

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 4]

I’m on a roll.

There’s more rape in this one; it’s not really described in detail, though. There are also references to what occurred in the last chapter, and an instance of mostly consensual sexual activity (although it stops short of actual sex).

Recap: Last chapter, Tiaa’s foster parents Dave and Marie left on a trip, leaving her in the care of “Uncle Larry” (Dave’s brother), who promptly began beating and raping Tiaa. After one such incident, she ran off into the woods and encountered a strange man who claimed to be her father before blacking out.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

AN = No flames pls, theres no point!if u dnt like my story dnt read it, its as simple as that!

I never got the whole “don’t like, don’t read” thing. How can you know if you like it if you haven’t read it?

btw atlantiana is NOT marisue be cause look she is NOT perfect and not everyone in the stiry likes her! she has problems and she has flaws and shes UNHAPPY would u like her life?i no i wouldnt, its totally tragic and horible.u flamers arent even makin sense1

Having bad things happen to your character doesn’t make her less of a Mary Sue. Loads of Sues have tragic backstories. Look at Batman.

Chapter 4 - la push

I sat quitely on the la push beech apart form the party that was going on beside me. Mike Nooton was following me round like a pulpy and he was so borin! None of the things he had to say were interesting but I was nice to him because he wasnt a bad guy.

That’s actually pretty in-character for the guy, if I remember the Twilight Saga correctly. He’s nice, but not very interesting. I think Bella even made the puppy comparison at one point.

My thoughts were elsewhere - i could'nt stop thinking about the events of last night, when uncle larry had raped me and I had had my scary vision in the forest and a tall p[ale guy in my mind had cale me his daughter. I didnt understand any of I felt so so awful that I had been rapped by that hideous pervy SICKO when I had bin saving myself for the right guy and for marriage and my virginity was torn from my grasp by that twisted guy, it was so crule and unfair, it made me want to cry

So uh… what happened after she blacked out in the woods? Was her dad gone when she woke up? Did Uncle Larry do anything else to her after she returned home? Did she return home?

"omg MIKE watt are you doing talkin to HER?" I turned round and saw four nasty faces learing at us. It was the chearleaders I had seen in the cafetearia, and one of them was the girl dateing Ewdard Cullen, the brown hare girl who was standing at the back looking moody but not saying anything

You know her name! You’ve called her by name before!

"Stop being mean Jessica" mike said angerly "tiaas' awesome and if you can't see that its just you bein blind and shallow and stupid like your all ways are"

Think this is the author calling out her flamers or what?

"yah I mean look at her clothes, she looks like a stupid goth biaach with her slutty top and short skirt and fithnet tights is she a RAT HOOKER or what?" Jessica screamed.

Man, I love this fic. “RAT HOOKER” is a great insult.

She was realy ugly when she shouted even though she was technology a hot chick and was dressed in skimpy pink clothes.

I don’t remember Jessica that well from the books, but I think she was described as short and a chatterbox. I don't think she was a cheerleader or had a particular fondness for pink. Also she was dating Mike at one point after Bella set them up with each other.

"you no what Jess, you and YOur frends are SO shallow and YOU are the real slut! you and bella and angela and laruen may were short skirts and low cut tops an stuff but that doesnt maek u beautiful! Its watt underneath that counts!" mike shouted

Wait, so are they sluts because they wear revealing clothes or because of their behavior? Because right here it seems like Mike is criticizing them based on how they dress, which is a bit weird when we remember Tiaa also wears revealing clothing (“fishnet top” ring a bell?).

"yah, speakin of witch" said a sly blond girl in the gang who was called lauren, pointing at me "watts with her breasts, they are huge, I bet they are fake!- she laughed and her friends all laughed too even bella and angela who had been quiet until then.

I don’t remember a damn thing about Lauren or Angela but I remember they both existed. One of them was definitely shy but I don’t remember which.

I got up and pushed past them and ran away into the darkness. I cold hear them all laughing at me and i felt so embarrased I was relay sensitive about the waste I looked I hated the fact that it made all girls hate me and all guys stare at me, I would have given anything to be ugly or just inviable. I wasnt stuck up and didnt think I was beta than anyone else because of how I looked I just wanted people to treat me like a normal person! I could'nt help being slim and blond with relay big boobs it wasnt my fault I hadnt done anything wrong!

Remember in chapter 1 when Tiaa talked about how she used to be self-conscious about her appearance but got over it and now doesn’t care what people say about her?

-are u ok?" said someone from beside me

If you don’t have that MCR song playing in your head right now I don’t know what’s wrong with you.

"who arr you?" i asked. 3 realy pretty goth girls were standing there smilin at me and I smiled back

Oh, of course, the Sue’s backup choir.

-we are tyffani, abigaille and rochelle" they said smiling "you seem cool, do you want to be our freinds?"

I like the idea that Tiaa could be multiple friends.

Judging from the names, these three are children of that white mom whose baby name photo went viral on the internet. The one who named her kid Lakynn or something.

"ya of course, i'm just a bit meloncolly cause those horrible chearleaders were bein mean jerks and saying my boobs were fake" i said

"omg, u mean jessica and bellas gang? They hate us too because we dont care what they think" said tyfanni "they are just jealous cause youre the prettiest girl in the school now and theyre all plain next to you but we dont care about stuff like that, we only care about peoples personalities “

“That’s why we made sure to talk about how pretty we think you are.”

"cool" I said, and we talked for hours

I talked to tyfanni, rochelle and abigail for hours and they were so cool.

How long was that again?

I'd never had proper freinds before who didnt care watt i looked like or where I came from they just liked me for me, and I liked them cause they were uber cool and we had loads of stuff in common! But after a while they all went home and I stayed on the beech.

Glad we skipped the scene where Tiaa has fun with her friends so that we can get back to the part where Uncle Larry assaults her again. Nice to see the author prioritizing.

It was getting late but I didnt want to go home to uncle larry in case he raped me on his car again.

Phrasing seems to imply that if he raped her in a different location it would be alright.

Soddenly I heard a voice from behind me.

I hope “soddenly” is an intentional double entendre.

"well tiaa, thou seem to be causing quite a stir at school" his voice was smooth and sexoy and from another time.

Who could this be?

Edward.

Never would have guessed!

"what do you mean!" I demanded

"basically every gay at school wants to have sex with thee, and every girl wants to eat thee alive for it, hows that for causing a stir my lady?" he smiled and kissed my neck.

Wait, every gay at school? Including the gay boys? This girl is powerful.

"shut up jerk! Btw I met youre girlfriend before, bella I think her name is! I dont like her or anything, but how the hell can u cheat on her like that and kiss me how u did? Its sick ur a cheatin bastard and i should tell everyone. Tyfanni told me you and bella are like the schools golden couple or something, watt would happen if I told ppl how you had acted in that corridoor with me?"

Uh… the fic would go in a direction I don’t expect it to and it might be redeemed somewhat by at least being less predictable?

"OMG SWEET LADY! THY MUST NOT TELL ANYONE! " he screamed "it was a moment of madness thats all! Im so so sorry for watt happened,i hope thine can forgive me, but ive promised myself to bella and thats just how it is, no matter how much thou intrests me"

Use of OMG may seem anachronistic, but that abbreviation has actually been in use since the early 1900s, so it’s totally reasonable that Edward might use it. Although probably not out loud.

"fine, then stay away from me " I shouted as I left to go home but he followed me and grabbed me and pushed me down on the grind.

I think he’s sending mixed signals.

I was burning with anger and fury but I wanted him so deafly i didnt even try to resist him.

So deafly?

He new how much i wanted him and it drove me mad. He put his hands inside my panties and i gasped. I was soddenly desperate to sex with him and i tore my clothes off and i was in my underwear.

Again, I hope that’s innuendo, but in this fic it’s actually possible the author thinks “suddenly” is spelled like that.

I took off my bra and showed him my naked heaving beasts.

Nothing turns a guy on like naked heaving beasts!

"have sex with me now edward " I whispered

" i cant " he said, although his body was on top of mine and his fingers touched my nipples

"please, i'm begging you" I said, hating myself for being such a dirty hore but unable to control my burning desire

No one in this fic has any self-control whatsoever, huh?

-NOOOO!" he shouted and ran away crying.

I put my clothes back on slowly feeling so ashamed and embarased i could hardly move. I could'nt beleive i had begged him to do sex on me and even worse he had said no!

Okay, I guess Edward has a tiny bit of self-control. Which is good, as he is a vampire and would probably be eating people left and right if he was totally unable to control himself.

I went home and uncle larry made me cook his dinner and suck his cock while he ate his food and then he raped me and hit me with a shoe all night and i didnt even complain cos i felt like i deserved it for being such a horrible slut even though it made me want to die inside.

Bread, eggs, milk, squick. Uncle Larry seems more interested in hitting Tiaa than raping her, incidentally.

Uncle larry finally left me alone and I thought about killing myself as i cryed and cryed as i fell slowly into a dreamless sleep.

Aw.

Next chapter

[fertile-delirium-blog]

You know, everything I ever worked towards, care about, love or have been lucky to come across or been given an opportunity to, I’ve always gotten to a point where I fuck everything up realise where I went wrong or what I keep getting told I do or am and honestly everyone I ever believed enough to let in and be a bit of the real me or all of the real me, since I was little, I been trying to run from this sadness that I later found out is developed or called depression that I realise, I’ve never understood it, I never thought id have mental illness and I ran, I denied for so long.. people telling me I need help, I had a system that worked, a system that never allowed me to be verbally honest with anyone enough to actually get to know me , without the fear and what ifs that I now know is anxiety, funny I never really, really knew what it was but turns out the two together destroy my life, ever since high school, ive wanted to continually improve myself no matter what anyone said and the same time I maintained an image where I made myself make everyone view me the opposite of what I felt I was, when im angry, im actually upset, I made myself seem like I was okay enough n making it on my own so people wouldn’t view me as weak or a being who needed sympathy or attention or some street kid goimg nowhere when really, for too long all I wanted was to find where I belong n do what in my heart I felt n feel like will come back, be music that expresses things I can’t say or feels weird coming out of this mouth that isnt mine, dont feel right. Communication.. something ive never had real, experience with.. was mainly mute other than my outward image for my protection and other peoples shit for so many years before I met her, she made me want to talk, opened up n be the me I feel I am on the inside, but, how easy did I really think it was gonna be? …a lot easier than it was/is.. I’ve always been a lone wolf.. why did I think I could have a family life like that when… I convinced myself with this act I was over shit I wasn’t, that was my fuck up this is all before I fell in love and its funny… it’s a boy cries wolf story, she loved me.. I loved her but something in me didn’t let me properly love her the way I should’ve but if I knew then what I know, my god things would be different and this is what I was afraid of.. completely giving in to her that… I wouldn’t care about myself as much just wanted to make her n kids happy, that’s what made me happy that’s the reason for my being as the opportunity to do so after terrible things n times had us far away for a long time and realised that they the family I chose to have n m sorry I let you all down I’m sorry my bpd, bipolar depressive states is what im trying to focus on to gwt better, since I actually believed everyone but 18 years of unsaid, undealt with and put away in the black box f nothing, isn’t easy to unfold , realise grow, accept, change, love, heal myself and be what was wanted or needed to best of my ability, truth is with her, this focus on making my life a certain way disappeared, never thought it would happen.. i want to do n cater n help n just be n do or try to what it s she wanted if me, I tried I fucked up in the beginning, but still pay to this day.. sigh the balance of who I on the inside is out of whack n has changed.. I don’t think anyone ever did I thought I showed n expressed enough to understand, I guess, if im too sick to love I shouldn’t get on the way of where she wants to go n do, its a shame really, right girl wrong time, don’t care if we were meant to be or not the universe chose you that I loved that much I wanted to make a life, thins I did out of spite, jealousy, anger, major depressive states too much drugs or too long on drugs wasn’t really me, the me I thought you knew n loved was that you made me happy, only person to do that that’s not my siblings.. then there are your beautiful kids I’ve let down too many times.. idk what made me think I deserved you 3.. maybe the fact that I was hoping we all changed n we were happy, we were, that’s not fantasy, we had some great, great times ill never let go of wanted my career I chased for since I was a kid n ended up getting n wanted to have the normal family as well but I chose them in the end n always will but I gotta keep away for her, for them.. every time I get into this stupid certain major depressive state.. I do things to make it harder on myself but you know what the problem is.. the real me is hidden in a cube within and I can see everything.. and that’s not the real me. That’s something dark attached to me that wants to keep me hidden away.. so how do I defeat this other person I’m watching from the inside take over a beautiful physical being I don’t feel is mine and causing such pain for both her, I and my ex gf and her kids and tearing everything that’s mine (the inside) and hers(outside) causing such hate n was for each other n causes such distress for those who actually love me.. I would like you, any of you to hold my hand throughout me getting better.. but I also know I’ve had my times with help n no help n I run away.. I know how hard it is for anyone to love me.. or be there for me I want all to be happy n move on with their lives get And do things the deserve.. I don’t wanna hold anyone back jus because they care.. I’ve been alone since I was little.. may as well stay alone to the end.. cant bear to love.. there’s only her I will never have kids, it’ll always be them, don’t want to cause pain because I’m hard to love because I’m sad with myself n wanna make you happy same time.. god how did I get here.. I got nothing n no one.. at all n all I had before her was a dream I made into reality then set bar higher only to fall that fucking hard to be half the reason I hate myself and before that tried to be an accepted part of my family n moved on to my dream knowing my family will never know.. what ive felt, how low I sank at the age of 8, understand or acce ppl t me enough.. the most truth I can give them is that I want to die cos im not good enough for this world.. items are not feelings, being raped and beaten for 5 yrs of my childhood n being too scared to tell anyone due to death threats then once it comes into the open is apologetic and sad for then my mum gets angry at me cos she cant accept it sober,.. I do blame him.. but I also know that its my fault ive let him win and affect me as a person n how I grow for so long and being told o can do something bout it going to yoir mum n her telling me its no use they wont find anything too late to be then told 5 yrs later that, I can still do something about it.. and I havent.. all these little bits and pieces make sense from the moment of my mums impregnation to now that maybe, just maybe I was never supposed to have been born.. I don’t belong on this world, I was an unwanted mistake that had no friends got bullied, raped, beaten as a child to getting away from that man that is your brothers dad also and my brother ended up being my best friend mid teens to not even know what a friend is other than knowing not to let anyone know the bad I been through and alone.. always have been alone no one sees the me that stands behind this beautiful, sad but always fake smiling so i don’t seem so broken shell of mine.. no one can hear me but the people in my head and none of them want to let me out.. guess I don’t deserve anything else but being alone trying to fight people I can only hear.. if I used to see any of them..when I did see silhouetted bodies before I had too many drugs and certain.. things went away.. im sorry I blocked you out.. oh silhouetted bodies I miss you.. as scary as it would be sometimes.. you always helped me be strong enough for the next step, if it is you that torments me today.. why? And if it isn’t.. is it just mental illness?. Or is it so much more than that..

Was I killed or kill myself too early in past life I went straight through to this one??.. from the moment I was born I was not meant to exist.. im sorry to the people who love and care for me… none of you will see me again.. ill save you all the energy, the stress and the pain I’ve previously caused due to my own mind and my feelings but know if you could hear me.. not this voice of mine verbally.. but if you or i could translate it or if you could hear my inside voice I promise that all would be understandable.. no confusion, no bullshit, no actions I didnt make but she or they did.. they just want to break me.. all but one laugh at me, mock me, talk to me and then to her on the outside as a fucking game or to make us continually clash and that ruins me, my ex gf, and well because of all that I distanced from kids when asked.. and have gotten so far it breaks my god damn heart.. gonna be like my brother, like my sister.. cant be apart of their life, cant watch them grow but silently love all 3 of them silently from afar.. I don’t want anyone to love me and I don’t want to love anymore than I already do as long these people and depression n whatever else they say I got continues to win this fight.. hopefully at the moment.. they make m e want to die. For silence, no more memories, feelings and they make it known that this is not my body.. I a excluded from all beings.. even the one I reside in.. no support. Don’t want friends, don’t want family.. I just wish I could’ve gotten better for the ones I love and who love me.. im sorry .. I dont want a life anymore. I really realize .. I was not meant to.. I hope that everyone I love will hate me, already does,or will and can forget me.. I did have some real, real hapy good times with you mum, lola, jaiden, mia, rachele, LJh and TRh.. sorry Ive said and done some fucked up things and I hope if you do remember or think of me it wont always be bad because I had and was a genuine happy and fun girl at times. Especially with you guys. And im sorry if you guys dont know which ones are real and fake..im sorry .. I wanna get better but realising I was never meant to be here,n if I was it was to be alone n silent I was right tho.. im not here to have a life for me or make one for myself nd hurt people in process. I love in times of darkness and undenying voices… I dont need your care.. I dont want you to feel sorry I just hope when you think back on me maybe.. youll see the peaks of the inside me get let put due to the help from my outside n i ts something we don’t n wont talk bout..I wont make anyone put up with me just because they are or I am loved. Not anymore.. I love you all.. hope everyone gets what the want and deserve. And to the parents of whos kids I love as my own then just fucking distanced due to how I am not thinking boit if or how itd affect them.. im sorry fo all the wrong ive done by them but know how happy and grateful I am for you guys bringing them into this world.. we all know im shit at doing what im supposed to and moat times I was shit to them.. I dlnt k know if i t was noticeable but I did try.. but thank you for letting be apart of that and being “snips”.. and giving me a chance to love them and treat them like my own I wish I did better with all of you, their family, my family im sorry whatever this thing is im just sorry I ruined some good things and hurt people I love n who love me.. never again.

I love you all.. I feel like I didnt get to say it all.. but, o can’t keep crying.. I been typing for 2 hrs… I will be making another account and this will be my lalst post as mariah elrington. To the world and the people I love… im sorry. I hope ypu forgive me and see the good person I always tried to be I will love yo and appreciate you all forever.. im sorry that since I came to world I was doomed to be nothing but a problem but I swear.. I swear on everything… I always try to be better but fall harder.. doing this on my own and voices, my thoughts and the opinion of those who love me see the opposite to what im doing or how I am.. its really hard.. ive never done it this mentally tough before.. well on drugs trippin on non real stuff but this.. this is real life and for once, I dont have anyone to talk to even on a vague level.. not even a pen and paper.. this, this is all so o guess thank you tumblr idk how worst id be without you ..I love you all… this is the fkn truth.. I never meant for it any of it to be als bad as they are between my two families I love. I hope you can get it right, now without me, the problem, the burden,.the dralin and be happy I meam that from thr deep.side of my heart, I really hope I haven’t fucked it enough you wont recover.. but I may be a bit over my head.. they won’t care.. I mean they will for a short time,, but will be happy not long after no Im not saying im gonna kill myself, we all know I can’t. But none of you will see or hear from me again.. because I love you. And I love you alll im deeply sorry I couldn’t express or show it enough for that you guys to believe that a whole lot or know the extent of how much with how ive been but ti my blood family and made family… I love you all so much its because of you gus im doing this for you other wise ill never leave y'all alone cos I need y'all but can’t and won’t hurt anyone but myself anymore.. almost 3 hrs writing.. I still got more to say but gonna leave it there.. god damn it,I love you and I do hope my whole family have a good life n im sorry I ruined the parts of it that I did but be worry free I dont want anyone trying to reach out to me after this. Wil be ignored or unseen..

I love my families and im sorry I couldn’t get it right to be good enough well enough to not negatively affect you.

Have a great life, drink, party, love do the things you want and think o f me as okay if it helps just please,if you love me dont ever get worried.. dont ever assume anything just be be fucking happy, experience, travel, grow Chase dreams.. trust, they are possible no matter situation, lonliness or head space,long as you believe youre gonna.make i t real and do what you gptta to make it gappen, if some like me not even suppose to be alive can do it, you strong, smart beautiful family of mine I believe in you.. to all of you every age. and each everyone of you deserve it. The good fun or happy life with its obvious small obstacles that isn’t as stressful or hard t fix asits been as of late..

I am sorry. I love nd appreciate you all. And you will all always be in my mind And my hearts im sorry im too mental im sorry for all ive done.

I love you all.

Goodbye forever.. all 7 of you ill love always. Pls keep the good bout me in your hearts if you can’t forget. I miss you all like crazy wish I could see you all again to give a goodbye hug.. but a visioned one is gonna have to do. Know that’s the last thing youd recieve from me if that were the case.

Goodbye my precious family I loved dearly but took for granted and couldnt get better.. im sorry I put you all through so much. I really am I wish all of you could see how much love I got for each and everyone of you cos I know I didnt do that good of a job to make sure it was known but I hope it is not.. love you please be happy for me too, if its worth anything to any of you, cos idk how long it'll take to feel it again.

Goodbye fams.

-Mariah Elrington

[winstonhcomedy]

How’d Winston Do This Weekend? 10/12-10/14

WHATTTTT A SWEET DELICIOUS DADDY OF A WEEKEND! I had a show each night. Two booked and one open mic. I love weekends where I am working. This coming weekend I’m off because of a wedding, but then after that it is back to work!!!

Let’s start with Friday night. I figured I was in town so I might as well head down to Slyderz in Richmond. This room on Friday night’s is run by Lynn Painter, who used to run a show at Cary 100 on Wednesdays. It’s an urban room with dope staff, and killer wings and sliders. I got there at around 7:15 and only other person there was the bartender. 

I ended up ordering the dry rub wings and they were absolutely delicious! I am a wing boy. I love chicken wings. This was like the 5th time in 7 days where my dinner was chicken wings. I am going to die young, but I will have a huge smile in the casket with sweet buffalo sauce and lemon pepper running through my veins.

Lynn showed up around 7:50 and started to set up. We caught up a bit, and shot the shit until a couple other comics showed up. Chris St. John and Moe Singleton. Both newer comics who are out here grinding at shows. Chris had a ukulele with him and was also carrying a copy of the book Psycho Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz. It’s basically a self help book written by a plastic surgeon. I know nothing about it other than it sounds like it would be some of the most superficial wack ass shit of all time, but Chris swears by it. 

Turns out he set some of the groundwork for a lot of modern self-help books and workshops. It’s all about getting a positive outcome through visualization. So sounds pretty interesting, but honestly I’ve never been into self-help stuff. It always feels like common sense with fancy wrapping paper and a price tag on it. But if it works for you laydees more power to you. I am definitely a proponent of self-fulfilling prophecy so I don’t have too much room to talk.

At this point it starts to look like nobody is going to show up. It is after 8 (the start time) and we have a limited number of comics and no audience, but then they started to come in. When the show started we ended up with about 11 ppl there, so we were ready to get it on the road.

Lynn went first and was performing with hip-hop music playing super loudly behind him. He did a good job of making sure the audience was done ordering, and eating by the time he brought the first comic up which is always appreciated.

The first comic up was Moe. The best part is Moe had been waiting like 35 minutes for his wings to get there. As soon as his wings arrive and he takes his first bite Lynn yell’s, “give it up for MOE SINGLETON!” 

That is one of the great fears as a comedian. That your sweet, delicious, precious, dripping with sauce wings will arrive as soon as you’re called on stage. 

So Moe is up there doing his material with Asian Zing sauce on his hands an the has an ok set. A lot of stuff doesn’t work but he has some stuff that does. There is one lady in the audience who is throwing shade the entire set. Just side comments and being salty during the set. The highlight of which was Moe closing super strong doing his best joke, and people start clapping. She responds by saying, “y’all really gonna clap for that? Ok then.” Which honestly absolutely destroyed me. 

I am up second and I decide that Im going to have to get control of this crowd. So I start my set by talking to “the mean lady”. Just busting her balls by asking her why she had to be so mean to Moe. That we are all following our dreams and she’s just ruining them, and it was killing. It was a super fun set. I ask her what her name is and she avoids the question multiple times by shoveling fries in her mouth which was absolutely hilarious to me. This goes on for like 5 minutes and I get other people involved and it turned out into being a super fun set.

Honestly those are the best and most fun ways to handle a heckler. It was addressed to the point where she apologized to Moe but nothing was said that was so mean that she’d feel offended and walked out. She was laughing and having a super fun time as well. 

After getting control of the room I did about 2 new jokes and they both worked really well. They were both race jokes, and I like gauging an all black crowd to make sure that what I'm saying makes sense and isn’t ridiculous and offensive. 

I’d give this set about an A-. I felt really good about it, and it was definitely the best set of work week. It put me in a good mood for the two booked shows I had the rest of the weekend.  Definitely a dope start to the weekend.

Saturday I had a super chill and relaxing day which was nice. I almost completely forgot I was booked at The Push comedy theatre in Norfolk VA. I was supposed to be on the showcase, but regular host/comic Hatton Jordan was under the weather and needed someone to host and zaddy needs the money so I agreed. 

They had several dropouts so I had to snag a comic to ride with. I figured I’d pick a newer comic who could use the experience, so I guilted Rick Williams to skip his hockey game to ride with me.

We headed down, and had a super good conversation about comedy, Richmond, goals, aspirations, and just bad show stories. So it made the 2+ hour trip go by super fast.

We get there a little early and decide to look for a bite to eat. We find this hole in the wall taco bar called Sanctuary. It is sketchy looking af. It is down an alley, it has a flickering light overhead and absolutely no way to see inside or out. 

We go in and we are in this super narrow but dope spot. There is two tables and then the rest of the building is a bar that runs all the way back to the kitchen.  There is like pop/punk art on the wall, and they’re playing some rocking tunes over the speakers and running music videos that don’t match the songs on the televisions. It is like we are in a refurbished lane from a shooting range it is so narrow.

The tacos were delicious and the bartender was super nice. This will definitely be my spot to eat whenever I'm invited back to The Push.

We go over and check out part of the show going on before us. It is an improv theatre so they’re doing an improvised Halloween show to a nearly sold out crowd. The audience is loving it even if Improv isn’t my cup of tea. We watch for about thirty minutes and decide to head to the lobby to get ready for the show.Once in the lobby the other comics start to arrive including Kyle Phalen and Nick Deez (rva transplant). 

The first show ends and they make na announcement that if you were there for the first show you get into the stand up show for free. This is dope and we get a pretty good retention with about 20 people staying for the stand up show. This coupled with the people that bought tickets led us to having about 35+ ppl at the show which was sick.

They had us set up with a music mic stand stand, I said bump that and went to the car to get a traditional one. I just never really like anything but a round base mic stand. I might be crazy but it just is comfortable.

The show starts and I do about 15 or 16. I had a pretty good hosting set. I get so in my head and don’t do what I should do which is crowd work. I do about 1 minute of it and then go into my material. Half of my stuff hits really hard, the rest does ok, and only one thing doesn’t work at all. All in all for a host set it was pretty dope. I’d say this was a C. 

Honestly compared to what I can do I’d say this was definitely average, but that’s ok. People are now settled down and ready for the show. I did my job as a host, and I can tell people appreciated what I was doing. The big pops really popped.

Next up is Rick Williams, and he DID NOT DO SO HOT. Oooooweeeee laydees. He definitely was having one of those sets where you can tell the person on stage is hating it. It was a good learning experience for him. He’s in that stage of being a new comic where a lot of what he writes is sexual, violent, edgy, etc. 

It was cool to see him work through that, end up getting a few laughs and realize once he got off stage that he has other things he needs to work on. Always impressive to see a new comic really understand that not everything is going to work everywhere and it is good to be versatile. 

Later Nick Deez went up and had the set of the night. The people really dug and vibed with what he was doing on stage. He’s about a year in, and def making some strides. These are some of my fav people to bust balls with, so we were having a blast after the show.

I was singing a cover of Harvey Danger’s Flagpole Sitta where I changed all of the lyrics to being about Rick bombing. I had so much fun I’m definitely recording a cover of it on Garageband and when he leasts expects it I will release it haha.

All in all a super dope night with good friends. The ride back was fun as well. We got deeper into comedy, and our fears about doing it. Talked about my hopeful future move, and why I’m so scared of it. 

We really got into some kinda deep territory, but it was definitely good to do. I am super self conscious about my self and especially my comedy. I pride myself on being the hardest working comic in the area. All I can control is how many shows I do, how much I write, and how critical I am of myself. I legitimately will do and have done shows anywhere. I’ve done clubs, colleges, coffee shops, urban rooms, improv theatres, dive bars, redneck bars, nightclubs, alt rooms, theatres, I've opened for bands, singers, poets, drag shows, and this week I’ll be performing on my first burlesque show. Unfortunately I always have this fear that I can’t cut it in certain rooms, but each show is a reminder that that is bullshit and I’ll put my stuff up against whoever.

We ended our night getting McDonalds drive thru at 2 am, and that is the perfect way to end a night of comedy. I went to sleep happy knowing I had brunch and one last show the next day.

Sunday I go to brunch with Brock Hall and Rick Williams at Metro Diner in Willow Lawn. It was a nice relaxing brunch which I followed up with watching the last Harry Potter movie. 

Then it was time to get ready to head down to Newport News to be on Sunday Funnies at Cozzy’s Comedy Club which is Virginia’s longest continuously running comedy club. I always enjoy this show, because it is run and booked by my good friend Holly Owens. 

This week Mu Cuzzo was hosting and the lineup was filled with some of my favorite people to hang and chill with. Closing it out was Sid Bridge who runs the open mic at Cozzys and is an all around swell jew. We also had Jounte Ferguson, Torrey Huggins, and Ryan Valentine on the mic. Allison Moore was also on the show and finally there was Mike Jay. I’ve never met or seen Mike Jay before but he seemed like a good guy.

This is one of those shows that you have to make fun. There were 13 people there and 5 of them weren’t on the show and weren’t employees. But honestly Mu brought some good energy in what I assume was his first time hosting. We all just got into it and it became one giant super fun workshop.

Jounte did a new joke about how he might have slept with a r******d girl. I work at a school for autism so I don’t use that word on stage, it doesn’t work for me personally, but I will never police a comic’s language on stage. 

When I went up I just made myself have fun. I did nothing but crowdowrk for the first 8 minutes and it was all me asking questions to Jounte about how it was a “maybe.” Like how didn’t he know, and asking him a bunch of questions. he was getting so uncomfortable it was hilarious. Everybody was dying laughing and we were all having such a good time. I then closed with 4 minutes of new jokes and they didn’t go so hot. With an intimate crowd they really wanted the crowd work which was ok. I had a super hot and fun set and I'd honestly say for the room and how everyone else’s set went I’d give myself an A-.

The rest of the show was fun. Allison had a fun set as well, and Mike Jay did fine. He had some questions after the show about Clash of the Comics at the Richmond FunnyBone so we chatted about that for a bit before I left. 

Sid closed it out and I forgot he has a few jokes I really really dig. He has one about replacing any word in a sentence with the word “jew” and it becomes offensive and it’s a great joke. I’d never seen him play bass on stage but I guess that’s what he closes with. 

This was a fun show and my entire ride home I just kept thinking to myself how good it felt to do super well in front of nobody.

All of my success is tied directly to how much fun I am having on stage and I always forget that. Even in tough or weird rooms with or without audiences I need to remember I love comedy and that this shit is supposed to be fun.

So that was my weekend and it was super fun and delicious so until next time LAYDEES!!! I LOVE YOU ALL XOXO

[yoonasgf]

171013- saturday a rant dnt bother reading

i feel like i wanna talk to someone but then i think about it and what am i even expecting ? whenever i say smth i regret it immediately so just thinking abt expressing whats bothering me to others i just know ill regret adn feel guilty and embarrassed about it later so i never talk to anyone abt anything that goes on in my mind and it gets to the point where its so over bearing i feel like its drowning my head somehow , im so.. lonely wld be the word but lonely in my thoughts but like that doesnt even make sense idk im just writing here bc i need to let my feelings out somehow and i’d usually do it on twitter but like the 140 characters thing anyway i just feel like i want to let things out but whenevr i do i never like the answer i get, like if they give me advice i feel annoyed cus i wasnt asking for help i was simply stating how i felt (and most of the time its stuff that cant really be fixed?), if they tell me stuff like “i love you !” its like ok? ik its mean but someone elses love does not affect my situation at all since its an inner issue that doest rly have to do with self-esteem, and if they just are like ‘yeah’ or ‘thats so bad:(’ ijust feel like theyre not paying attention (even if they are) which makes me regret opening up, so i dont really know what im expecting when i vent to someone i guess i just want to feel like someone is listening to me idk im like so full of thoughts and feelings. writing this feels like its calming me down a little bit so i think im just gonna keep writing, in english (its funny how id rather open up in english since its my second language i feel more alienated from it so it feels less real? what im talking about seems less seriousdk) so whats circling in my mind is that i dont have anyone im urging to meet i dont have anyone i truly like anymore and that my ladies is so fucking sad and frustrating that ive mentally grown apart from my friends im just not myself when im with them and sure my fake-extroverted persona ive built throughout highschool is good at doing her job and she still gets along with them so well but now it feels like that side of me, the fake one, is another person like we used to share some “mental common ground” but not anymore i just dont have anything in common with that persona anymore so whenever im with my old friends i just become her it’s like i completely leave reality it makesme so lonely inside. and i cant help it its unvoluntary how i switch places with the other me i cant stop it and i hate it because i feel like its drowning me alive, along with my personal issues. lately ive been isolating myself a lot, i stay in the classroom during recess and i havent gone out in like a month.actually last time i went out i decided i just wont go out anymore i just think its not for me i truly dont have fun. is that okay like is that normal? like is just dont enjoy the loudness and the kind of jokes that go on, i think if grown too fast. i justdont wannatalk about drinking andsex and how evil the math teacher is, like its fine once ia while but iwanna discuss science and philosohy and share thoughs too,  anything else is so irrelevant it’s so sos irrrelevant to me. not that i dont enjoy good laughs anddrinking, but for that i feel like i wanna be with someone who is special to me? like someone whoi respect intellectually first, and then we can laugh at dog memes. someone i can show my realpersona to,and the thing is i have my best friends she’s literally so perfect bc she’s smart but also silly so we can talk abt hitler but then we can talk abt that one episode of sponge bob ? but the thing is shes graduating this year, and she has like an almost boyfriend, so i decided i should start getting used to her not beingwith me, but thats way more lonely than i thought. the guy thing, it wasnt planned, and shes with her crush most of the time which i totally understand i watn them to be together and stuff but i dont have anyone else but her- that is the real me not the fake persona, the fake persona hasmany people- but i though “she deserves this” so decided to step back so they can concentrate on each other. she ofc wouldve never asked this of me, but it seems like it was the best, sometimes i feel like a huge burden to her. but now imrealizing how lonely it has made me, being with her is like letting go of a breath that ive been holding and im realizing how much i need her. so i thought of like ‘slipping’ back in but im faced with the fact that we will infact part ways when she graduates because we’re attending universities in different parts of the country so maybe i should be getting used to the solitude, until someone else comes. and someone else seems to be here, this one friend i have in my new class, but im so scared of opning up to her, im scared of her kindness to me. i always think “why is she so nice? why does she stand up for me” at first she wasa bit too rough for me but as we spent time together i think she realized what kind of person i am and changed her ways so now were getting closer and closer and it makes me so 불안해 and 두려워 (idk how to express the sentiment in english) i dont even know what im scared of, it;s not like ive been hurt before in that way i think? maybe i have i cant remember. the point is, i know i should let this person in because she’d help me but i just cant seem to opne the freaking door its like my hand is shakinly holding teh doorknob without actually twisting it. i do think i will eventually tho. anyway. i was saying i spend alot of time alone these days, reading,studying, twitter, watching stuff, and its really nice i really do enjoy being by myself but i honestly dont have manyb things to do? so eventually the Thoughts come, and lately what ive been meditating is how the reason why i dont get close or attached to people (again the fake me might get closed but not me) is because simply no one is as good company to me as myself? which is fine wyou know many people feel like that, but i hate that if im alone poeple thinkg i dont have friends or that im sad and they think its bad that i am alone which is really not the case. i could be with ppl if i wanted to i just chose not to. theres this particular guy in my class actually, who thinks he has to be my friends bcim often alone and it irriates me so much bc 1. hes interrumpting my enjoyable me-time 2. he does it out of pity and boi do i hate pity like sometimes i just stay in the classroom doing homework or reading and he comes in likw “why are u always alone:(” because i want to you fucking dumbass andtoday or maybe it was yesterday particularly he said “why are you always alone is it becayse you dont have freinds bc you went on exchange and dont know anyone” llike um no im alone because i literally want to be alone you absolute dipshit and ido have 10 times more friends than you i just dont feel like being wit hthem you fucking asshole it pissed me off so much as if he’s ?? helping in anyway ?? i just wish anyone whosaw me alone wld tjust think ‘i guess she likes being alone’ isntead of thinking that im alone bc no one is willing to keep me company. isuddenly got really mad writting this. i think this really calmed me downishould do it more often its not like anyone who follows me here wld open it, like ideally this is whatdiaries are for but i dnt like to waste paper. im gonna write the date as well 

[deadcatelog]

chaha,, this is why i ended up crying on the sidewalk at 12am outside of a public event i’d brought a ticket for because i wanted.......  i thought we both wanted to go........ she told me she was in the city then suddenly she says she realized she was actually in longisland and about 2hrs away from the city........ even when.

i thought were going to do something fun together again for once, since it’d been so long...... i sai d i wanted to go see it and she said she wanted to come and i told her where i was.. she has a car and i took the train which is a lot slower and; she never responded? we used to talk for hours.. then about an hour, or a little more than an hour away? maybe 2? from when the event was soupposed to start she told me she was hanging out in a lounge with some of her other friends. drinking and partying? i was nt mad she was enjoying herself but i was peevedshe didn’t even tell me she was back in the city.... even if that was the case that she ever wasn t omg... it wasso close to when the even was soupposed to start. there’s no cell service in the subway and my phone was abt to die. i texted her asking, i don’t remember? omething about the event.i think i told her i was an hr away from it and since we were both in different places and w diff. transportation situations... she took so long to respond... my phone was about to die.. im so fucking easy to fool lmao, i was curled up in the corner of a room after i finally walked in the event charging my phone for 2 hrs (the event was 3 hrs) waiting for anything... she always lets her phone die when shes out late at night. my phone was on 1% so i thought maybe hers was too so i stopped thinking about it and just sat at the bar and listened to the music. i think my last text to her was “are you coming?” i woke up in the middle of the day the next day and there was just still no response.. i should have expected this. she’s been so cold lately. she probably just realized what a fucking mess and a burden i was and that she didn’t have to do that once she saw how normal people acted towards each other. she probably didn’t want to deal with the stress......she was being nice about it and i was being an idiot. last time we hung out i pointed out that there was this function in manhattan while we were in queens after getting something to eat, we spent all day in queens until she led me into a dunking donut and sat down and we sat there for hours. she said she had to charge her phone. she had a portable charger. right before this she kept telling me how tired she was and how she wanted to go home and i protested but then i was like... ok thats fine ur tired lets go to ur car and i’ll see u off but she told me she’d parked really really far away.i didn’t mind, she was the last person whose company i enjoyed. i was so scared of the idea  that she wanted nothing to do with me. we stayed in that fucking donut shop for hours. i was tired too so i got a double expresso so we could hang out like we’d sai we’d do.... like i’d traveled 2hrs for to do.... she didn’t even talk to me almost the entire time, she was jst staring at her phone. maybe complaining about how i wouldn’t take a hint. i don’t even know who those ppl r she never told me anything about them besides the fact that some of them were older than her and they went out drinking together often. she sounded like she really liked them. i didnt care that she had other friends whose company she enjoyed so much... it made me happy to see how well she was doing after hs. god im such a fool. i’m so fucking stupid im literally fucking retarded. she;d been acting weird and distant for months. i thought that was just what is was like watching your hs friends grow up when u two were in completel different situations but there were so many times where i’d toss all my plans to prepare to travel/hang out w her just to show up and suddenly she didn’t have the time bc she had something she had to do that ...just so happened to be starting like 10 minutes after i’d traveled all the way across manhattan to see her... im a fucking idiot. she probably decided she didn’t like me anymore a long time ago after nothaving to deal w me every day and was probably trying tolet me go easy by letting me chose not to make the same dumb decisions over and over but i was so desprate to hold onto her bc no one else talks to me. an y sane person wouldn’t have stood up for that... and some times i did say to her that what it wasn’t cool to call me over and say we should hang out only to tell me she’d have to bail for an interview or something she was scheduled for like a week b4 we met up or something. she never responded to those texts. i was so scared she would decide she was mad at me and done dealing with me so i never mentioned them again even though it fucking hurt. i felt like a toy being tugged around when she got bored but immediately threw away when something else, something more important than leisure of course, came up. i dont know how to make friends. looking back on it, were we even really best friends like i thought? we were only friends for a year, maybe that wasn’t enough? i enjoyed her comapny... and S’s comapny, and sometimes A’s company so much... especilly when we were all thogether even if it was just in class. maybe im just being inconsiderate and i cant see why so im jumping to conclusions bcfrom my point of view i’m?? everything hurts again. im always the fucking dummy, the crazy psycho weirdo that even the nicest ppl could see needed to be put down before it hurt anyone or them. even someone as blind as me can see it in their fucking eyes. they get wide, they back up a bit or hunch their shoulders and stop talking and my fucking dumbass just walks forward and keeps running my dumb mouth bc all i think of it is ‘oh! what happened? they wont be able to hear me from that far away i’ll walk closer and keep taling’ ad now im just  afucking angry loser screaming like a fucking toddler on the floor about how unfair the world is when the truth is nobody deserves to fucking have to deal with me. mr g was right to fucking hate my entitled guts. ms garia was right to fucking hate my guts too while putting on a huge fake grinthat i just saw as proof that what i thought she was probably thinking of me was just my outlandish brain trying to make me feel like the entire world was fucking against me when in reality that wasn;t the case when in reality that was the case because they have a fucking reason to be. even though i wasbeginning to ate my uncle for basically cornering me all the time and listing off all the ways he thought i was stupid and disgusting and a pain to have around wasn’t he fucking right? it i it cant just i cant just run around being offended by everyone in the world and giving them the silent treatment-- even if i thought i was giving them space,how could they fucking know?? 

there probably isnt a person on this planet that would feel sympathy for my fucks. ed up situation because they suddenly have to deal with treating this entitled stupid bitch super delicately  least she hurt them. i don’t even know what i do to hurt them, but i do it anyways. im 100% sure that its just by being me. my mother always fucking screamed at me since i was little how much of a curse i was on her. i can’t imagine my brother came out of nowhere with what he was thinking when he stomped upstairs and choke slammed me against my fucking bed and screamed in my face while he shook me and stepped on my laptop after i took my food back. he called me ungrateful. he yelled it to me straight in my ear as if to force it into my head. i don’t even remember being ungrateful?? he talked about brining home food he let me eatallthe time like white astle but i thought i’d always expressed my gratitute but maybe i didn’t?? i don’t remember. i always felt like id din. 

there’s a fucking REASON why EVERYONE i meet thinks im a fucking liar and more than worthy of their distain and being put in my place whether it meant i’d get my feelings or my fucking face hurt. everyone wants me to apologize to my brother. and my mother. everyone thinks im being an unreasonable cunt. EVERYONE in my family has shown distain or disapointment in me. it doesnteven fucking matter that i was ableto get into one of the best schools in the country. now i just get even more people outright avoiding me or confronting me bout how much of a fucking disgrace they think i am. my fucking exsistance is always a major fucking burden on everyone around me. it just keeps happening again and againandn again and i keep trying to change but the cycle never stops. it doesnt matter how good of a persn i run into, after having to deal w me for a few weeks they’ll start pushing me out of the way if im walking too slow or step on my toes or avoid me and talk about me behind my back. i can imagine it.... i’ve always told myself i was wrong and oerthinking myself but it always turns out to be true and its always worse than i imagned they’re always way more pissed off at me for my bullshit and that hurts more than any ~over anxious thinking~ i could tell myself. they dont deserve to have to deal with a fucking demon like me but im fucking human too and it hurts so fuking bad. i an see how much they hate me or are pissed to have to put up with me. my uncle told me a few weeks ago that he wish i knew how much he wanted to fucking hurt me when he came back to his apartment and saw the mess i made... i swear to god i was letting the fucking meat defrost... it was 1am bu i was up the entire time; i was making burgers. there were two and the first one was fucking raw and frozen on the inside despite deforsting it in the microwave. he asked me over and over again when school was starting again. i wanted to cry at how obvious it was he wanted me fucking out. i thought i just had bad luck witht my mom but that made me realize it wasn’t fucking bad luck it was all my own fault. probably from the very beginning. i couldn’t help that i didn’t want towash the dishes then and did eveything i ould to get out of it with her. i couldn’t help that even though i did wash the dishes and cleaned up after myself that i let everything aroun d me get so bad before i did something about it. back then i just didnt want to do it and i thought it was unfair that i was always the one to clean the dishes all the time while tony only had to tae out th e trash once a week or so. every time she told me to get off my ass and wash the dishes it was so fucking full it made me mad that i was cleaning up after everyone else. and every time i pointed that out of course both of them were aginst me. she and he told me in their own ways they bot h thought it was only fair. 

that fucking bitch. she wasn’t even anywhere close to fucking proud when i got into columbia. her voice was flat the entire time, i tried to get her excited so hard. i knew she cared about money, i told her how much money a school like this could help me make and it was basically fucking radio scilence. and i wasn’t even anywhere comfortable, i was at this place in brooklyn (fucking brooklyn, fuck brooklyn) for this other girl i’d just become friends with (that’s a lie, i dont become friends w ppl idk how she just picked me up like a dog off the dtreet. she told me she liked to do that with people once)and this new teacher that got so pissed at me when i wandered off like i wasn’t fucking 30 days off from being 18 years instead of 8 years old... my heart was singing. i’d finally gotten into my dream school and she didn’t care, and then she didn’t care either. they were both probably so fucking annoyed it hurt ind ifferent ways i didnt want to talk about it anymore. i wanted to hug everyone around me, for the first time in so long i felt like my world lit up in a billion colors and i could finally be happy iforever but it was like... no one felt the same way. i get a bigger reaction from strangers who can briefly relate to me off of some superficial shit all the time than i did. i’d lost that feeling after that. it went from winning the lottery to just another academic achievement that nobody but me and a few other poor souls that probably had to feel obligated to say something nice even gave a shit about. those types, i cant even imagine im an entire person to them. i’m just some symbol of like... society as a whole not being... fucking i dont know,? even this sounds fucking arragont and hell coming out my my mouth nowthat i type it out... lmao mr. g just gave me this fucking look after the announcement took place for the rest of the year. i wanted him to acknowledge that he was wrong about me so bad, haha, that he was wrong to hate me but of course why would being the first student in the history of our shitty fucking school to even get in shitting distance of an ivy league mean anything to him? he probably figured i got in bc i was black, and poor and using that + lies to trick the adoffiers to let me in. ms garcia too. she would hardly speak to me after that. her eyes seemed to burn whenever i met them. i... never thought that they were wrong, i couldn’t shake the enthusiasim i’d lost inside of me after the other day. i( can’t imagine they thought i was anything less than absolutely coddled and spoiled athome while my entire family stroked my ego and did my every bidding since it would probably explain why i acted the way i did in class and schooli guess. fuck i cant even remember more than half the shit i did in hs.)but wasn’t going to just so happen to speak about how great if feels to know that i was probably going to be set for life, for a great fanatastic life, when they were alwyas just barely keeping their mouths shut from calling me a a fucking retarded entitled cunt every time i opened my mouth and it pissed them off.

god no wonder they hated me. im losing my train of thought. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. i don’t even know wit when im hurting other ppl andyeti was always this self righteous bastard who claimed i only cared about others bc i did community service (that no one ever saw since i didn’t do it in school.... so it would be easy to just think that im just a lyingbitch trying to get attention and shit i dont deserve.... like w this admission offer lol)

everyone whose nice to me eventually learns it was a fucking mistake.i seethe way people look at me so clearly now, but still its neveruntil its too late i still dont fucking know what i do to piss everyone around me off all the time. everyone i figured was pretty smart around me always tended to avoid me or get angry at me for no reaosn i could explain. lmao. andr saw it too, she couldn’t stand being around me after a certainpoint. i dont have friends. ive never had friends like everyone else had friends. just fucking sympathizers (”why do you even speak to her?” just someone looking out for someone they loved when i did some dumb shit to them) i wish i had a knife so i could slit my throat right here. maybe then someone will read it and understand that i dont mean it but onestly would they?? am i getting anything less than i fucking deserve?? it doesnt matter if i don’t like it, i’m always brining fucking painful unnecessary bullshit into people’s lifes and make even the kindest people want to fucking rip my guts out for it. there’s a noose tied up to my closet right now but i please just please don’t want to suffer anymore.i dont want toknow what its like to be homeless, but idid this to myself. i’ve always fucking did this to myself. all my shit is password protected. i want to see myself as a martyr so bad but a martyr wouldn’t try and force someone to read this shit and try and make them feel bad for shit they barely had anything to do with that im just trying to drag them into bc i want to feel good about myself, and they only was i an accomplish that is by making other people feel bad?? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

a few weeks ag  i told myself i wouldn’t do it in my dorm because i didn’t want to make other people comfortable. i dont want anyone to come and see my body next to the fucking pigsty i always seem to create wherever i go. i dont want them to have to see my half naked body, but i didnt have any clean clothes. clothes... i jsut spent over 100 on some fucking jeans and a denim jaket bc i wanted it even though i can’t really afford it. me bac k on my bullshit again, of course.oh my god oh mygod. fucking hell god dammit. but isnt this nothing less than i desevre anyway? for making so many poor innocent people have to endure my fucking insane ly uncomfortable awkwardness and the natural hellfire that surrounds me and i was born with and burns everyone around me except for me. is it really so objectively terrible when they burn me back?? they don’t know that i dont have any idea what im doing. they dont know what goes on in my head. i learned to destroy my own feelingsand shut down my human reactions while i was livnngin that hell hole........the second hellhole i came from,theone here on earthnot the one ispwaned in lol.

i really dont even want to hink about the anger the peoplewhove trulygotten to know me will go through if i did die like this. everyone around them will be superifcially mourning and they wouldnt be able to say anything bad, haha~ about me because of the social pressure or w.e, they’dprobably feel terrible themselves because i know even thoughthey hate me and hurt me or want to hurt me or lie to me to hurt me or laugh ifthey make me flinch they’d probablyfeel bad about how glad they feel and should feel for having thishorriblehellcritter whipe herselfoff the face of the earth. and everyone elsewill think im pathetic, of course. so many people already know howpathetici am. theyll ust roll their eyes in annoyance and grumble how i did everything to deserve the shit i went through, and that it was pathetic how i canttake half the shiti dish out.then they;ll go on with their lives nd i’ll be dead and forgotten and the world can cheer silently that im finally gone.