#im not saying we never got like. tv time but it was really rare i wont lie and they were particular about

[sleevesareforlosers]

if you genuinely excuse ipad parenting by saying 'people have to work long hours and are tired when they get home so its not their fault' id like to direct your gaze to the entire human history worth of single parents, poor parents, parents working strenuous jobs, etc, who existed before ipads

[k9iriz]

𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐠𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐬

𝘣𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘬!𝘧𝘦𝘮/𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘹 𝘫𝘰𝘦 𝘣𝘶𝘳𝘳𝘰𝘸

𝙨𝙮𝙥𝙣𝙤𝙨𝙞𝙨: 𝘫𝘰𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘫𝘰𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘥𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘯𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵, 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘰𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘬𝘺 𝘣𝘦𝘵, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘶𝘯 𝘰𝘯 𝘣𝘰𝘵𝘩 𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘴.

[ warnings: fluff w/ a pinch of smut, newlyweds alert. new years update so im sorry if it’s short i just wanted to write sumn about joe:) ]

“joe! the fight is on!” i yelled as i ran downstairs, rushing to turn the tv on as joe followed behind as i was in a robe, and he was in his, open and out.

“alright, here i come, mrs. burrow.” joe jokingly chuckled as he grabbing a water before he sat next to me on the couch, grabbing a water before immediately tuning into the main event of the card.

me and joe normally bond on things, even special date nights reduce to ufc fights or any type of martial arts because it’s rare for a girl to like it.

especially since we were newlyweds and we had all the free time since the season was over. but not only do we do, we made up a tradition to do on these fights. it encites the fun within it all.

betting on it.

“usman has leon in the second around by knockout.” joe smiled as he took a sip of his water, making me blink out and stare at him.

“nope, leon has it, third round, knock out. bet on it.” i smirked that the last part as i looked over at him, smirking to say the least, before looking at me the same way.

“okay, winner…gets 500 dollars.” joe shrugged as i looked over at him, smirking as he did the same.

“okay, but let me raise the steaks. double it and the winner gets the cookie jar money.” i smiled as joe furrowed his eyebrows, looking at me as i sat up.

he was taken aback by that, but he wasn’t turning it down.

we had a cookie jar with money we randomly have left to save for any future things we planned on, but for right now it was just sitting there at that moment.

it was a total or near estimate of 3,800-4,000 dollars in there, but who really was counting?

“alright. you’re on beautiful.” joe confirmed as he kissed my lips, making me blush, he’s so cute.

I YELLED loudly as i jumped up and down, my prediction was right after all.

joe looked defeated in some way but smiling because this was the best ever bonding time we’ve ever had, especially date night kinda things. just proud of me but it kinda sucked he lost thousand dollars.

“i told you! didn’t i not?” i squealed as i jumped up and down on the couch, making joe laugh, his face turning red at his wife being hyper.

“alright, alright beautiful. you got me there. congrats.” joe chuckled as his face turned red making me slouch right back into his lap, facing him.

“mnm…thank you mr. burrow.” i smiled as he kissed me on my cheek, tapping my thigh as the ppv concluded.

“what do you plan on doing with the winnings anways? shopping?” joe asked curiously as he looked at me with his hooded blue-icey eyes. lord. if looks could kill.

i took it in as i giggled a bit, but i thought about it for a second before smiling, adverting my eyes back to him.

“im gonna use it…and the cookie jar money…go get your whole mancave redecorated like you asked, for your birthday baby.” i smiled widely as joe’s eyes lit up, making us share a passionate kiss, whi body language changed immediately.

he loved how i was never selfish and always thought about him, even though he’s great at taking care of me in return.

i love him so much.

“really?” joe asked again as i chuckled, confirming it as i yelped at him randomly picking me up out of nowhere.

“i love you so much y/n.” he whispered as i smiled, doing the same.

“i love you more…but where are we going? we have like two more fights to watch.”

“nope, but you know what i really wanna do? i wanna go some actual rounds, and make you tap-out…hm?” he bit his lip at me as i wrapped my arms around his neck, returning the same energy look.

the sexual tension. “mhm…that’s if you don’t tap out on me.” i playfully smirked.

“trust me. i got enough energy.” joe smirked as he took me into the back, making me squeal the night played out well.

and we did some unspeakable rounds that night…date night successful.

[ HELLO?? nobody asked for some joe newlywed fluff with a pinch of smut HUH? but happy new years! 😗 even though they lost so idk why im updating. ]

[adonis-koo]

sweet nothing • 7

↳ Description: being a guest at the Jeon Estate after a mishap of being kidnapped and dragged into your brothers affairs isn’t all that bad. Truth be told it brings you a lot closer to the mobster and owner of the estate Jeon Jungkook himself.

His two rules are simple, don’t cause trouble and don’t give him a hard time. Somehow you manage to constantly do both in the most endearing way despite being pregnant and waddling around most of the time.

Pairing: Jungkook/reader, ???/reader

↳ Genre: slice of life AU, mafia!AU, pregnancy, there’s like…a little bit of a plot but not a lot, future smut? maybe? it's very domestic!

Word Count: 2k

Previous | Next…

Note: IM ALIVEEE, barely, but my skin is clearing, my cortisol levels are lowering, nature is healing 🧘‍♀️ 🍃 I finally gave up and just decided that despite this story not being plot heavy, we’re still getting some plot anyways

“Are the meds not working?” You frowned, standing at the entryway of Jungkook’s bedroom, his laptop abandoned on the other side of the bed as if in defeat, he wasn’t asleep, just vacantly staring at the ceiling while laying down.

You felt an amused sense of pity for him, you don’t think you’ve ever seen him look so utterly miserable before.

“They are, just not fast enough.” He rasped out, not bothering to look at you as he sighed, closing his eyes, “I can't even focus on anything.”

You could feel your heart tug just the slightest for him, he really did look awful, “Well how about we watch a movie? It could take your mind off the pain.”

“I need to work.” He stressed the word as best he could despite his eyes still being shut.

“Okay well, as far as I can tell, you aren’t working.” You replied walking up to the bedside as he opened his eyes into an unappreciative glare.

You offered a somewhat apologetic smile, “C’mon it’ll make you feel better, you’ll have something to focus on.”

Grabbing the remote off his nightstand you left him little choice in the matter, he said nothing, eyes following you as you rounded the bed, huffing a little as you managed to get sat down next to him.

“Remind me why I put up with your antics?” Jungkook asked dryly.

You shrugged as you turned on the TV, “You tell me.”

Jungkook only stayed silent, even as you gave him a side glance, perhaps a little curious, after all, how could you not?

If he had an answer, he kept it to himself as you browsed through the streaming services before eventually settling on an action movie, the plot however was difficult to keep up with, Jungkook however funny enough seemed invested.

Half way through the movie you had given up, the sleepy lethargy you had been experiencing the last few days winning out as you began nodding off.

“Are you really sleeping through the climax?” Jungkook’s raspy voice made your eyes open.

“This was for you not me,” You complained, managing to grab the throw blanket that had been hanging off the end of his bed, curling up against the fuzzy material.

For a brief moment, a memory pulled a smile to your face, “Y’know….when I was little, Wonho used to make me soup- it was from a can but it was the thought that mattered, he’d always get me a fizzy soda from the corner store and we’d watch cartoons together. I remember falling asleep against him and then I’d wake up tucked in on the couch.”

Jungkook’s eyes stared at the TV but you could tell he was no longer focused on the movie, dare you say he seemed almost bothered by your words.

“What?”

He seemed to be debating something in his head, “You used to never go into detail…about your parents. Just that they weren’t around.”

You gave him a weak smile, you knew what he was asking. It rarely got brought up, but you did recall mentioning the few times he had tried to pry before, always shewing the question away with a ‘My parents were never around’.

You shrugged, “Would it be too simple to say that was the truth?”

Jungkook shifted a little to face you, “Was it that simple?”

There was no challenge in his tone, only a quiet raspy question, he was always good at hiding his intentions, shrouding it behind an unphased expression, but the more you had gotten to know Jungkook, the better you had become in the art of seeing the subtle shift in his gaze.

And right now he was nothing but curious, he always had been, but even moreso now.

Your hands had managed to hold the lower half of your stomach, otherwise you would’ve crossed them, eyes flickering away from him you gave a small shrug, “For me….”

You paused for a moment to gather your thoughts before you relented with a quiet sigh, “They were always off going to bars and clubs together, they were addicts. Wouldn’t come home for days at a time, and when they did they were never sober.” Your lips twisted into a frown, voice no louder then a whisper, “Then one day only my dad came home. Definitely not sober but he was crying, like hysterically sobbing, and he just collapsed in front of me and kept apologizing.”

“Grabbed me real tight around the shoulders and kept babbling incoherently, his mouth was all discolored and his skin was real clammy looking.” You rubbed your head, the memory leaving an icky feeling in your chest.

Jungkook looked pensive after a long moment of silence, it was as if he knew there was more, “And?”

“Apparently he overdosed on fentanyl on the living room floor,” You smiled bitterly, “In front of me…I don’t remember it though, can hardly recall the night anymore honestly. I was young, maybe eight or nine. Wonho was around thirteen at the time and he ended up intervening, he told me later that he found out my dad pimped out my mom to get enough money for the fentanyl, problem was that the dealer was apart of the Jang Hi mafia. I can’t even remember the last time I saw her before she disappeared, don’t know if she’s even alive anymore.”

“You never went to look?” Jungkook asked, a soft note could be detected in his voice.

You shook your head, “There was nothing to look for,” you couldn’t hide the sadness in your voice, your lips trembling a little, “She was never there to begin with…maybe that makes me a bad person, but I can’t imagine having a child and just…”

You couldn’t even think about it, your hands rubbing over the swollen skin of your stomach to try and calm your nerves.

“Out of all the people I’ve met- and trust me, I’ve met a lot,” Jungkook’s hand lifted, fixing your blanket back over your shoulder, “In comparison, you’re an angel.”

You stared at him for a long moment before you couldn’t help the smile that tugged on your lips, a smile of his own appearing, “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”

“No, I'm saying it because it’s the truth.” Jungkook replied, it was quiet for a moment, his gaze dropping, “You’ll make a great mother.”

“You think?”

“I know,” He had a confident look about him that was difficult to not believe, “How do you feel about the delivery coming up?”

“I still have another twelve weeks to go Jungkook,” You tried to push the anxious feeling from your chest, “But I am nervous, I mean, I’ve never had a child before, don’t really know what to expect, other then I’ve heard it’s excruciating, which I guess is a given…”

You squinted a little, the movie long forgotten playing in the background, “I was terrified when I first found out I was pregnant, and the morning sickness was awful. I could hardly hold anything down the first few days, I was so sensitive to smells, any kind of strong scent gave me a raging headache…”

Jungkook’s lips parted and you could almost see it, hear it, the question of who the father was. But his lips immediately shut once more, as if perhaps sensing you would be unlikely to answer.

“I thought about it…” You admitted quietly, “Getting an abortion, but…” You shook your head, “I don’t know, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Any other woman in my shoes surely would. And even now, I wonder if I made the right decision, if I had known Wonho was going to disappear like this…” You sighed, “I don’t know, I guess some silly part of me, thought that maybe, this was meant to take me to a new path in life, one where I’d work hard and I’d be able to separate myself from this life. Was that too naive to think?”

“I think anyone who values their life would want that,” Jungkook concluded easily, “Someone who isn’t meant to be in this lifestyle, who’s honest, and still has a shred of dignity left.”

It was quiet for a moment before he continued, “You were always too good for the underground. Shame you got dragged into it.”

You shrugged, “I don’t really think about it much anymore, I mean, it is what it is.” You chewed on your bottom lip, “Maybe it would be better if I didn’t keep the baby. I’m sure any couple unable would kill for the chance to adopt.”

You had never seen Jungkook straighten the way he did on this moment and you couldn’t help but somewhat regret your words, not your thought on it, but the fact that you had voiced it aloud.

It wasn’t the first time you had thought about it either, it was stupid of you to think having this baby would do anything other than pull you into the underground further.

“What makes you say that?” Jungkook’s gaze was like steel, it made you shy away a little, almost feeling the same way when you had first met.

You couldn’t keep eye contact with him even if you wanted too, “A lot of reasons,” you confessed, nothing more then a whisper, “The fact that I’m a single mom for starters? Or the fact that my brother is in serious debt and I’m being held here as a makeshift safe house? Let’s not even begin to talk about being able to properly provide for a child. I never had present parents and I don’t have anyone to ask for help.”

You felt tears of frustration fill your eyes.

Jungkook parted his lips, but quickly shut them once more, you could tell he was battling a plethora of questions, which maybe he didn’t deserve an answer too, but you could tell it was beginning to slowly eat at him.

Instead Jungkook’s lip twitched as if in irritation at whatever he was thinking about, eventually vocalizing his thought, “Is the dad really that much of a deadbeat?”

He didn’t say it but you could see it on the tip of his tongue, ‘I never thought you’d go that low’

You didn’t say anything for a long moment, carefully thinking about how to reply, it wasn’t that you were purposely withholding information, it just simply brought back uncomfortable memories.

“Far from a deadbeat. Furthest thing possible,” you shuddered, “It did cross my mind,” You mumbled, “Finding him. Them. But…” you trailed off before shaking your head, “What good would that do me? He might want the baby but he isn’t gonna want me.”

You only glanced down at your stomach, hand rubbing around the swollen skin as you felt a flutter trill across, the baby once again kicking.

It briefly made you smile, your worries put at ease.

A hand suddenly reached out, grabbing your chin along with your attention.

You nearly jumped at Jungkook being nearly nose to nose with you, his lips parted and his eyes had so

many things they wanted to say, “You can always ask me for help.”

You hated the way you felt all of the old feelings you had once upon a time suppressed into nothing more than a blur of self-gaslit delusions.

But it was never delusions, it was never just all in your head.

“Can I?” Your voice wavered.

Jungkook stared at you for a long minute, his eyes dropping briefly to your lips before he eventually, almost reluctantly looked away, only letting out a small laugh.

Perhaps a tone of bitterness if you really listened close, possibly regret?

“We’re gonna have to replay entire last quarter of the movie,” Jungkook complained with a rasp, sinking into the bed frame and suddenly you remembered how easy it was to pretend like there was never anything there.

You cleared your throat, before giving him a weak smile, “I’ll get the remote.”

The past was the past anyways, you’d just have to figure things out one day at a time, just like you always have.

[no-see-um-incorrect]

Ok soooo im having a really fucked day mentally…….. so here’s how my favorite ASMR boys would help you during your mentally fucked days 

Seth🏕️

He’s been there. He knows how it is. 

He’ll pick you up throw you over his shoulder, grab the softest blanket in the house and a whole box of your favorite cookies/comfort snack. He puts on your favorite playlist/movie/TV show

Put you on his lap with the blanket over you and hold you close. gently kissing your neck and shoulders. He doesn’t say much. he doesn’t have to say much. he’ll listen, he’ll nod. But rarely will any words be spoken unless prompted 

Charlie🍕🐭

He knows you. You guys literally grew up together, trying to hide it from him is pointless. 

He’ll walk up to you and give you a big hug. (as big as the skinny bitch can muster) and he won’t let you go until you are willing to sit down and talk about it.

“it’s OK Casper”

“let it out……I’ll be here when you’re ready”

“Your not a burden babe… you’re never a burden”

After you’re done talking, you lay in bed together and cuddle until you both asleep

Milo🐾

We already know how good Milo is at this kind of thing.

Provided that you’re not already in panic zone. Milo can always tell when his sweetheart is not doing well.  he goes up behind you and wraps his arms around your waist.

(provided that you have the same reaction as me that would make you cry right then and there.)

He listens, he holds you close, he makes it better.

You’d think he was taking lessons From caelum for how quickly he makes “the knots” go away. Sure some knots will always be there and he knows that. But he will try his hardest to make you feel safe and loved.

If I do caelum I just might cry While typing this

Sam❤️

(What is it with broken southern men) Sam. much like Seth also knows what it’s like.

“I got ya darlin’….you’re safe here”

Sam holds you close to his chest. And just lets you vent while he softly rubs your back. He’ll use his flannel sleeve to wipe off any stray tears.

You can ask if you’re being too much. You can tell him you didn’t want to be a burden. 

But he won’t have any of it.

“darlin do you think it’s a burden when I share my sorrows with you?”

“No.” (If you say yes. f@ck you)

“then why do you think I’d be burdened with hearing yours?”

Once the vent session is done, and your tears are dried. He’ll give you all the kisses, and whisper all the sweet nothings. And get you back to feeling like you’re on top of the world. 

 Auron📚

(Didn’t think I was gonna bring him out did ya)

We know that he’s not the softest guy in the world, but when he is it’s good.

He realizes that you’re not acting your normal self and will request a meeting with you (whilst also clearing the next two hours of his schedule)

He sits on the couch in his office (he’s loaded He has one) you sit down next to him, and he pats his lap.

“come here. rest your eyes rook” you lay your head in his lap, and he  runs his fingers through your hair. He won’t push you to talk. He’ll just wait until you’re ready.  but if he feels that you’re not telling him because you don’t want to bother him. He’ll reassure you.

“we may be on work hours,  but I want you to know i’m still here….. you can interrupt me at any time of the day or night if you need anything”

The rest is up to you.

Guy🍕

It doesn’t matter if you are the best at hiding it. if literally nothing in your demeanor changes, if you’re just the same as you always are,

he knows 

“Honeyyyyy~ what’s wrong”

Hide your emotions all you want you’re gonna end up talking about it. he’ll kiss all over you, Whispering little praises, make extremely lewd comments. you know guy being guy just a lotmore than usual. and somehow even he’s confused about this. It makes you feel better. 

Sorry if this sucks, my hands were shaking the entire time and I still don’t have my glasses fixed. Love y’all, and I wish you well 





[daemonwritesstuff]

MATCHUP TRADE — FT. @karusenka

A/N: Hihi!! This was so much fun for me to do! I haven’t written for btd AND tpof for a while now :,) im so happy to do this again, and I hope you enjoy your matchup and the characters you got! here we go!

⚠️TW: toxic relationships (duh), abuse, torture, violence, noncon, NSFW (a lot of other very nasty, nasty things… I mean that’s all these games are about LMAO).

For Boyfriend To Death, I have matched you with…

Ren Hana!

• As you can tell I have matched you up with Ren! I feel like the dynamic between you and him work out so well together! You probably won’t get treated as harshly as long as you follow his rules, really, really well… but sometimes he’ll think your breaking his rules and he’ll start torturing you with anything that’ll leave permanent scars on you.

• You would probably be his maid around his house and you are not to go anywhere outside without him with you (which is a very rare thing to happen), when your helping him with cleaning the dishes, doing laundry, etc you’ll be one step closer to gaining more his his trust and you’ll get to have more freedom to, just that’s something that’ll take longer to achieve (if your still alive after some years).

• He also enjoys your sense of humor! usually when your making silly or stupid jokes he’ll start laughing so hard! but if you start joking when the time isn’t good at all with him he will get really mad and use that collar he gave you when he kidnapped you and electric shock you until you feel like your gonna pass out (and he may lock you in a bedroom too, yes it’ll be boarded up and there is nothing to break it open with).

• Adding onto your humor, you do tend to make him laugh including when a situation is really bad (he’ll try to not burst out laughing when he’s about to put you through another torture session again), if you start annoying him to the point where he can’t stand it anymore he’ll start scratching (and maybe burning some of your skin with a lighter) you all over until you start begging and pleading for it to stop, repeating apologies until his heart decides that he should stop.

• Him being a beastkin, he also has his times when he’s like really horny, so it’s good that you can also be the same as well! he’ll usually force you to have sex with him almost everyday, what can you even do about it? you wouldn’t want him to ruin or perhaps break you hm? you should just oblige by his commands then. When your sleeping with him (usually happens later when he starts falling in love with you) he sometimes can’t help but get really turned on by you, including when your sleeping! he’ll always do it with you, especially when you don’t know <3

• He’s in awe whenever you tend to get mad about the slightest things, usually he’ll try to comfort you and let you watch your favorite tv shows or anime’s and let you eat your favorite meal for the day but on the other hand he’ll probably start teasing you or doing something more extreme to get you to get upset and cry more, he loves being in control of your emotions! he wouldn’t give it away to anyone at all.

• You won’t ever catch him saying the three forbidden words “I love you”, just never will that happen, even if he has started taking a liking to you he will never say it out loud but when you say it to him he gets all warm inside the heart and sometimes even blushes! and he’ll always ask for your words of comfort when he needs it on some days, and it’s even better since you also enjoy cuddling! just don’t move away from him or he’ll take away everything he’s given you so far.

• When holidays come around like christmas, valentines day, your birthday, etc those are the days he’ll spoil you with all the things you like for being so a very nice pet like he’s been training you to be… He’ll buy you pink clothes, plushies and other pink stuff to see you jump around in excitement! He even got you a gaming console so you can play as many horror games as you like! he may also play horror games with you to so you aren’t so bored when your locked up in the house forever

• He loves squishing any chubby parts of your body when cuddling! it’s like his personal stress toy when he’s anxious or sad. Anyways, you’ll always be his favorite pet, even if he has to kill you one day… he’ll never let you go even if he has to reassure you, you’ll give up one day and realize that your stuck here with no way out…

For The Price Of Flesh, I have matched you with…

Celia!

• I have matched you with Celia! I feel like the dynamic between you and her can balance out really well and you would definitely be her favorite prize she has one so far… she would definitely wanna give you the princess treatment but she would put you through together sessions and treating you like trash to see if your worthy enough to rest your head on sometime or comfortable or even if your worth enough to get treated good.

• You and her are similar in some ways, usually with your anger issues and her temperament together, you should try not to get mad at her you do not want to see her pissed off and you definitely don’t wanna do anything that’ll get yourself killed easier, your life is in her hands now… you might as well obey her like the loyal rat (a name she calls ya) you are… When you started caring about her and help her clean the room you were trapped in and not make a mess everywhere you’ll have a better relationship with her… and she’ll actually start feeding you and giving you more comfortable items / other things you may need.

• I feel like she can vibe with your humor but will NOT show it for a very long time, she’ll really judge your sense of humor a lot and would tell you if you need to be sent back to elementary school to actually grow up… but you know, once you guys are both civilized she won’t comment as harshly and sometimes you’ll make her let out a chuckle. Once she thinks that you had enough of the serious situations you would get yourself into she won’t punish you so much, but if you do make he mad or tend to say the wrong thing she wouldn’t mind stomping her foot on your head.

• She gets her ego BOOSTED when you start apologizing, getting guilty and begging for mercy when your under her terrifying wrath, even if her insults don’t really mean much when she’s taking her anger out on you or hurting you she’ll say the most nastiest names towards you, but after those happen she’ll try her best to comfort you (she doesn’t really want you to see that she turned soft for you) and awkwardly rubbing your shoulders to stop you from crying.

• When she needs to take her anger out on you she will start forcing to have sex with you… she does want you to feel pain, but a way you can distract her is if you’ll just let her sit on your face while you please her the best you can until she has calmed down… she will not go down on you at all but she’ll finger you and let you grind on her if you were good enough, sometimes she does this when she’s torturing you really badly and will shove toys up and make you sore for some days… the only way you’ll get the best treatment from her when you have sex with her is as long as you please her really well and bonus if you do all the things she enjoys.

• Like Ren, she also enjoys teasing you whenever you get mad, it’s so cute to her and it gets her more excited!! You are not even one tiny bit intimidating to her at all… The only person that should be intimidated is you. She loves it when you come crawling to her and begging for her forgiveness, she’ll always forgive you when this happens and you can actually see that her looks soften more when your like that.

• And also like Ren she’ll also spoil you on any type of holidays as well! it’s usually during those times when you’ll get so many new things like new clothes, accessories, and any other stuff that might’ve been too used up or broken by now, she enjoys seeing you all happy, she’s so glad to make her toy giddy, and during those days you won’t be getting tortured or treated badly at all! you better savor those moments that inky happen every year!

• When Celia and you kill her husband together, you’ll ask her to come stay with you, to run away together far away where no one would know, just you two in this cruel world, but she would be so dumbfounded, why after so long of torturing you would you still want her? that was a question that still remains to be answered but she has loved you too much to say no, so she softly and genuinely smiles while saying “Yes”… She definitely thinks you guys are soulmates… something in her heart and head is telling her to not let you go now and never… she’ll never find another like you again and she would enjoy herself just being with you in the end <3

[imthatpowerful]

a lil yapping lowkey 😪😓

also i know im not the only one w these experiences, i think it’s something everyone experienced actually so please share ur experiences if u have similar ones cuz i’m intrigued.

i was thinking n shi and i js realized ive been a master manifestor and shifter and allat since i was a kid before i even knew the name of what i was doing 😭😭😭 i manifested a couples things like my height, 🍒 size, me moving to the US and prolly a lot of other things and all i did was persist in the idea that one day i was gonna have those things. sometimes id pretend i alr had those things. i didn’t even know what i was doing was manifesting and when i got exactly what i wanted i was shocked 😭 lowkey regret manifesting those so imma undo those but anyways that’s not the point.

i also def shifted and astral projected as a kid as well. i have vivid memories from when i FIRST gained consciousness at 3 they’re kinda vague but i can remember the feeling vividly. i remember this one night i was sleeping and suddenly i was out of my body and floating to the ceiling, i felt like a balloon, i was attached to my body by a string, i saw myself sleeping. and i kind of went through the ceiling. i was really scared and didn’t know what was happening and i wanted it to stop, and then it did. and i don’t think it happened once. i remember this VIVIDLY. it’s a core memory, not sure if it was a dream tho bc that whole era where i was newly conscious was kind of like weird but i bet on my life it was real and i astral projected that night.

i remember a BIG airport looking place i was in before i was born or before i was conscious it was orange tinted my mom was there, i was a baby, and there were other babies and mothers there. it was like a baby airport or something idfk and mothers i think were picking up their babies, but i was alr w my mom so i didn’t know why we were still there. i think that was my spawn point. i also remember a big green grass field and a big windmill w red blue green and yellow fans and a farm (all based off this ad i saw on tv) istg i was there either in a dream or irl but it was def irl bc some of my earliest dreams i remember literally were so simple like a woman in a red dress and a man in a suit running and the ground breaking beneath them or this vampire movie we had on dvd as a dream but 10x scarier, plus i was rarely (actually never) a character in my dreams when i first started dreaming. i also remember playing w my brother and suddenly i was in his pov and i could see myself. def shifted on accident. could’ve also been a dream. there are also other occurrences like when i first started watching nursery rhymes etc. any arab moots know exactly what video im boutta describe. it’s that video of nancy ajram i think and she’s a fairy and she’s saying not to scribble on the wall i think it said shakhbat shakhabeet. that was like one of the first medias i consumed as a kid. i remember being in the village for the nancy ajram mv istg, like i was there it felt so real my memory is so vague but i remember seeing a fairy and being in the middle of the village and a forest that’s all i remember but i remember the feeling. and there’s def more times ive shifted. but like i could yap on and on about if i remembered but it’ll be too long.

i also think i’ve lucid dreamt but can’t remember any specific core memory or occurrence.

like overall i think i naturally knew all of that and then when i got old enough to learn religion and stuff like that’s when i stopped being able to do allat. i remember being bummed out to find out allat wasn’t real and i actually lowkey refused to believe in my religion at first i remember my granny and mom telling me to say the thing that would make me a member of the religion and i crossed my arms and refused and they told me not to do that. ever since then i let go of any belief i had of the supernatural. deep down though,i was a lil agnostic and i carried doubts that the supernatural wasn’t real bc i knew what i experienced, but i was scared of going to hell (now ik that what u believe and assume happens after death is what manifests) so i fought those thoughts. all those memories of me doing those things were burried, and since it was an early memory i convinced myself it was prob a dream. but again what 3 yr old has VIVID dreams that feel real. now that i believe in this stuff again i know i used to do allat. and it was so normal for me. so glad these things found me again though. maybe that’s why i didn’t hesitate to believe in this stuff or question it when i rediscovered it.

having to unlearn what society conditioned me to believe has been a really long journey but i can feel myself becoming that little girl again who literally was shifting and astral projecting like it was nobody’s business.

if u made it this far thank you i love you 💗 here’s a cookie. and js know you WILL shift and have everything you ever wanted. heck you already have it now!

[luvluvdally]

MEETING DALLAS

Ive never been the type to fall in love.

Especially with a boy who wouldn't be able to love me back.

My Parents weren't around. Ever.

Ive never known them, My grandparents raised me.

My Grandfather is a respected man he built his construction company from the ground up.

He was able to give me and my mom.

A comfortable middle class life.

It was pretty boring.

To me It seems like to be present and known.

Was to be a "Greaser" Or "Soc".

Im not exactly anywhere near them.

My grandmother is a strict old soul.

My Grandparents weren't that old despite being grandparents.

They were in their late three when I was born.

My mother had me at sixteen.

She dropped me off and left when i was only a week old.

My dad was a man even older than my grandparents.

We don't talk about it much.

My grandpa likes to help anyone he can.

So when a family of five, Tragically and suddenly becomes three young "lost boys" as he said.

He took the olde one "in" and gave him a job.

The younger one two.

He some genius and was hired to tutor me.

It embarrassing to have a kid younger than you

treat you like you below him.

Even though I knew that was never his

intention.

__________________________________

It was a boring Friday late afternoon.

I was heading to Ponyboy Curtis house.

I liked his name it was unique, it was nice to know someone with a unique name.

Like me my name is Estrella.

Star.

My middle name is luna.

I liked my name.

It was the only thing that made me feel special.

It was also the most my mom ever did for me.

Estrella, Luna, Smith.

__________________________________

I got Pony's house.

I knocked on the door expecting the same

greasy hair boy as usual.

But I saw a brunette, it seemed like he didn't care much for his hair.

Or first impressions.

He was only wearing a pair of dark blue jeans.

"Hey darling, what brings you here" He smiled.

I clutched my books bringing them closer to my chest.

Looking down I quickly and quietly let out.

"Im here for Ponyboy curtis, sir".

"Sir, Com'n don't be so formal doll"

He reached out and grabbed a strand of my hair twirling it around his finger.

"don't" I whispered screamed pushing his hand away from me.

I didn't really want to.

"Hey dal cut it out" Pony came pushing past

him.

"Hey, Star come in" He continued.

I nodded my head walking in.

I felt His Eyes on me, as I walked past him.

Setting my books down on the table.

__________________________________

The whole time me and Pony were doing our tutoring session he didn't speak.

He just sat there staring or watching TV.

I looked up from my notebook to look at the time.

5:15pm.

"Hey pony, Its time" I nudged his shoulder still looking at the clock.

"Mmhm" Pony rarely talked to me unless needed.

"For what" I heard a the familiar voice I now knew as Dallas Winston say.

I turned over to him.

Not to respond but to study him.

Dallas Winston, Tulsa's bad boy with a record so long he has two folders full downtown.

There was something about him I thought.

There just has to be.

I was shook to out of my thoughts by his words.

"So, is that a yes? Pone what with this gal she just stares".

I was completely confused.

"What? I think it was the loudest I've ever spoked around Pony.

"He wants to know if you'd like to go get cokes as the dingo, But i told him that your curfew".

"I can ask" I interrupted.

I think pony was shocked that was

talking so much.

I got up and headed to the phone.

I looked over to Dallas, He was putting his shirt and shoes on.

As I picked the phone off the hook and dialed the only number I could remember.

"Hello" I hear my grandmother say.

"Hi gram, Pony and his friend invited me to go get some cokes" I was quickly cut off with a slur of questions.

Who, where, you know curfew and who again.

I lied a little to her.

"Umm some friend he's over here to keep an eye on Pony so I think Darry trusts him" I knew that would convince her.

She loves Darry

__________________________________

We walked to the Dingo.

I was the only one not talking.

Never been much to talk at all.

Juts didn't like it.

I felt an arm around my shoulder.

"What up with this broad man".

Broad, I thought to me it was not a simple way to describe a woman.

"Im not a Broad" I pushed his arm off me.

"What with you? Ever heard of personal space?!"

I looked at him expecting a hurt or angry emotion plastered on his face.

But it wasn't that.

He was smiling at me.

"I think I like this broad Pone".

I finally knew then,

what was under all that bad bot act.

It was New and Intoxicating.

I've never felt this was about a Someone before.

Let alone a Boy.

__________________________________

I Hope you guys like this one.

I love it.

So far Im not sure where this story will end up.

- With love Cynnie

[ticklishfiend]

um long irl tickle story because i’m tweaking out rn 😀

so i’ve got this friend who is also not Just A Friend and it’s complicated LMFAO anyways, we’ve done kink play stuff before so we know everything each other is into. obviously this means they know i’m real big into tickling fjskjf (which no, is not purely sexual for me lol. neither of us are very sexual people, kink isn’t always abt sex and i think more people in this community need that to register in their brains LOL)

ANYWAYYS so i dont think they know Just how into it i am, like they dont even know abt this blog but im slowly working up the courage to tell them abt it bc i know they wouldnt be weirded out (im just shy LOL). so bc they dont rlly know how big of a thing this is for me, they’ve never Really tickled me before.

now, i’ve tickled them. plenty actually lol. it’s super fun and i love tickling them sosososo much bc they’re reactions are so cute and they’re really good at holding still lol. but anytime they’ve tickled me, it’s mainly just like a poke here or a squeeze there, nothing for real yknow.

which is like. it’s fine. but every time they do it i get skyrocketed into the biggest lee mood for like days on end and usually i get too embarrassed to tell them dhsjndjsg

but the other day i actually decided to tell them how much it affected me. we had both spent the night at a friends house, and at every sleepover when its time for bed, our other friend goes to her room and then its just the two of us alone in the living room. we were high the other night and cuddling, and they kept teasing me by making claw hands and wiggling their fingers at me (i’ve told them before it flusters me So Bad when they do it and now they’re just relentless with it 😭😭), they poked me a few times like usual but also kept quickly skittering their fingers on my foot which they’ve never done before and dhsjjdjdf i was too high i was losing my mind

so that was it, but the next day when i got home i texted them telling them they were so evil for that bc now im feeling crazy. they found that hilarious and teased me abt it for a minute 😭 so i thought that was the end of it bc they rarely tease me too much (im mainly the dom in our relationship so i can understand why lol)

but then. but then.

my friend group went hiking all day today, so when we got back to my friends house we were pretty beat. me and my friend were cuddling on the couch watching tv, but they just kept. poking. me. i felt crazy LMFAO

so ofc bc im me, i was tickling back! i’m more deliberate with my tickles, so i kept squeezing their side and poking places i know they’re ticklish at. they ofc kept making wiggly hands at me, but atp im like so lee and it’s not enough 😭

so. i called them a coward! (teasingly, ofc). i didn’t get specific cause our other friends were right there and id rather they not know abt it LMAO but this main friend knew what i was talking about. they were playing all offended, trying to defend themselves, but they kept not actually tickling me so ofc i kept calling them a coward hehehe

so later tonight once we were at our own houses, we text each other almost immediately. ofc because i was feeling super lee after all that i told them i was (playfully) mad at them for teasing me earlier

they started defending themself again saying they aren’t a coward, so i texted back with “always threatening but never actually does anything about it 🥱 coward behavior to me”

they texted back with “when i come over tmrrw its over. im gonna get you”

😨 WHAAAATRTSJS

AAAAHHHHHH

i was. freaking out LMFAOOO

they kept teasing me back and forth about it and i am STILL losing my mind and that was hours ago 😭😭

we’re hanging out tmrrw night and yall. yall idk if i can HANDLE ITFNFKD we’re spending the night like we always do so once we’re alone and ALSO HIGH AGAIN………bitch i can’t my stomach just turned a flip thinking about it omfg

anyways yeah sorry i know this was long but this little back and forth on “will they ever actually tickle me” has been going on for almost a YEAR now so im justifiably freaking out abt it LMFAOO

i’m also taking my driving test for my license tmrrw before we hang out so let’s hope i don’t start thinking abt tickles and crash the car 👍

[malikarchive]

A Deep Dive Into The Beat-Tape "reflective" By Aerate and Areyetee

Written by Me, Malik (aka kingmalik)

On November 3, 2023, the beat scene world was shocked by storm when rising producers aerate and areyetee dropped their surprise collaboration project "reflective". Till this day the project stands as one of the most cohesive and groundbreaking projects of the post-dirteesoulhop era beat scene. And with aerate (aka PSICOSE) gaining some extra traction in the scene after winning Dibiase's beat battle, I think it's about time we shed light on, in my opinion, one of his best projects to date, a partnership/collaboration made in heaven resulting in "reflective"

We are introduced to the project with what sounds like clips of random vhs samples, and then a sampled house track, which instantly lets you know what the inspiration and direction of the project will be.

Words from the producers : 

Malik - “so what was the thought process behind the tape?”

Aerate -” Honestly like i was in the mindset of like trying to keep it as coherent and smooth as possible. From my POV it was like putting pieces of a puzzle together”

Areyetee - “i kinda just sent chops and made beats and let roy do the busywork so yea what he said lol”

Malik - well it definitely did come out cohesive. With that being said was there any moments in the tape, whether it be transitions or sample choices that were purposeful?

Aerate -"Im glad you asked that cuz frankly i rarely see appreciation for like skits or transitions

The art of finding random vhs rips on youtube and finding that little piece of audio gold is most of the time completely accidental LOL

you never really know when youre going to find a little piece of audio that sounds absolutely perfect and i live for that really” 

Areyetee - “yea all the transitions and skits n shit were heavily scrutinized i would say. i did do all the transitions and skits on my side of the tape so I guess that's my contribution to keeping it cohesive. just making sure it sounds clean and there's a good balance between music and downtime was all basically”

On sample choices 

Aerate - And as for this i mean.....im a house fanatic so most of the chops and samples i sent were of house songs LMFAO”

“im on a road to making sure everyone flips house at least once”

Areyetee - “on the other side of that though i feel like you’ve carved your niche in this scene with to the point where to me it sounds like im biting u most of the time i try to flip house LOL

Aerate - “Its kinda funny cuz like whereas im not that great at flipping rnb and i dont flip it often, most of the niggas in this scene are like fuckin pros at it

"Its the status quo atp”

The first track, whatsmissing is what sounds like a soul sample accompanied by fast kicks & heavy sidechain, giving it a stutter-y feel. as if the voices on the sample are struggling to breath, but just pushing through and the catchy drum pattern guides u through it with a bounce .

Appealing to the cohesion of this project, onme is seamless transition from what’s missing, the beat takes you aback by its complete abstractness. you just got hit by surprise. and just as your getting used to the beat , the drums disappear and the beat is broken down and there's a tv ad esque transition into the next beat

The third track righthere is a simple flip of the airy intro to singer Olivia's "its on again” from the early sounds of 2000’s r&b gives the audience a moment to take in what was just heard. this is probably my favorite out of the whole tape as the snare rolls keep the accelerated beat pattern thru the first few beats continue, and what sounds like bird sounds give off the feeling of being one with nature, floating.

getyou is another fast kick heavy beat, drum pattern carrying the groove of the track. and throughout you hear what sounds like a female voice coming in and out which reminds me of that house/disco sound. To further the musical ride we are on with this project, the beat is broken down and a vhs rip is brought in to transition to the next beat

The track fun sounds just like its name, I might be reaching but the voice in the sample it sounds like he’s saying fun at some moments, one of my personal favorites off the tape.

On sequence we get a lowpassed sample that is a pleasurable contrast to the chaos heavy part of the tape. not much to say abt it but its repetitiveness was addicting and you get lost in it's sauce, one of those tracks you upload an extended version of 10 minutes up on YouTube to.

Next up, the beat for spring is introduced gradually with a spaced out sample before we get those avant-garde drum patterns we all know good and well from aerate. as the beat ends we hear the words “spring” shouted out as it dissolves to nothing but white noise..

The track aura, brings what sounds like a more jazzier approach to the sampling in this project, with the closed hat and snare combo clashing against each other it feels like the drums are having a conversation with the sample, with more drums being added to the track as the song progresses, definitely one of those tracks you have to put both earbuds in to fully grasp what's happening. This track feels like the beauty behind chaos.

The interlude marks the end of the first half of the tape, where aerate’s distinctive drum and mixing style flourished.

On Excellentmecha we instantly hear a change in mixing choices, the drum pattern sounds completely new. We’ve reached areyettes side of the tape

On Wayward the beat starts with just the kick and the sample before the rest of the drum pattern comes in one by one. And once it reaches a climax, white noise is introduced, the drum pattern is taken out and the kick and the sample are left in. the detailed yet simple sound of this beat is reminiscent of the “soulhop” sound like that of ohbiliv, yet with a house inspired take on it.

The track heaven is a house sample chopped and sidechained by the kick in a way that keeps you hooked and addicted to the weird vocal placement. The vocal sample makes it one of the more standout tracks from this tape.

On Incomingfire areyetee shows off his crazy side with a groovy chaotic beat that quite literally sounds like.. incoming fire 

With the track Deject, this might just be my ears making its own comparisons but this track has a heavy benja influenced sound to it. 

And continuing the common theme of cohesiveness, the stuttering end of Deject takes you into backhere .

off the strength of the stuttering transition, backhere's never ending snare rolls work well with the beat and the transition as it all feels in one with each other. With this track the project got somehow even more experimental, with the snare rolls acting as ear candy reminiscent of gun shots. The piano and ambient sounds coming in and out keep u hooked, before the beat is slowed down and video game esque transitions come in flowing through both backhere and the next track

glad (remix) marks one of the only tracks where we get a definitive female voice present in the track, a noticeable contrast in aerate’s sample choices . fun fact, this was a spin on a previous beat called “glad” by aerate. The reason for the remix - “I just felt the original beat was lacking in its impact and i knew areyetee could do the chops way more justice than i did so i sent them his way” - aerate

The track aqua comes as one of the more laid back calmer beats of this project, the (as what i like to call them) “michael jackson chords” keep u relaxed throughout the track. Before the beat ends and the transition comes in. Looking at this track and its placement retrospectively it could be signaling the end of the road-trip this beattape serves as.

The penultimate track Train feels like the accumulation of all the inspiration the project pulled from. after all the house samples and influences throughout the tape, we finally get that staple “kick on the 1 2 3 and 4” drum pattern on a track.

On The outro the tape closes out with yet another vhs rip and brings to an end to a very cohesive and smooth tape. 

To me, this tape sounded like a statement, aerate and areyetee staking their claim as one of the best producers out, this project was the result of chemistry and synchronization between the two. In my opinion the tracks aura and heaven are the defining tracks of this project as they serve as aerate and areyetee's coordination at it's finest points.

If you haven't heard this project yet, this is your sign to check it out.

Peace, Malik

[thotsforvillainrights]

i would like to request anything with Redestro please 😩🙏 im starved of content for him

(Anon, I'm starved too honestly. We need a little more content for the old man on this hellsite. I'm sure all 12 of his fans will appreciate it lmao. Now for a random fun fact about me personally, I love fishing. That being said, for story sakes let's say you're not to fond of it.)

~Fishing~

headcanon|scenario|imagine|match-up

-It's a well known fact that when you become someone's significant other, one of the ways you interact with each other is through sharing your interests. Unless you have literally everything in common (which is rare) sometimes you don't always like the same thing your partner is into. This is where a sort of compromise comes into play! Now believe it or not, he's accepting of all you enjoy but not very fond of it. The one thing he doesn't prefer is going on walks or hikes with you. Going outside a lot or whatnot. He loves you but sometimes when you want to go out with him, it's after he's had an unbelievably long day at Detnerat. He'd prefer to rest of course, but being the type of man that he is, you'll never EVER hear him complain or outright say no to you.

-The shoe was on a different foot when you heard him excitedly clamoring on the phone with Hanabata early this morning. You stretched and got out of bed to find him in the hallway digging through the coats until he found a dark green vest and a matching hat adorned with fish hooks and bait. He noticed you and turned to smile. "My apologies for waking you so early. I'm preparing to go on a trip with Hanabata...fishing!" He began going on and on about how much he enjoyed the activity and you could tell it really meant a lot to him. You could also easily tell near the end that there was a longing look in his eyes. The same look he gives when he wants to say something to you badly. To ask you something if we're being specific.

-"Can I come?" His eyes immediately light up at your question as he eagerly nods his head. He asks if you really want to do so and you agree. So it was a little white lie, so what? Yes you would rather be at home relaxing rather than on the back of a boat for hours at a time while two middle aged men attempt to catch fish that you later find out they just toss back and don't even keep. However, the bigger picture was you out here sharing a hobby with him, taking a small bit of interest in what he enjoys.

-You couldn't le for a second. Seeing that huge smile on his face the whole day really made you feel warm inside. You sat and listened (sorta) to his long stories he had to tell you, and also to his random fishing lessons and tips as well. You even took a crack at it, although you weren't able to catch anything for yourself unfortunately. You'd taken a second to get some meaningful pictures right around sunset. One particular picture you'd be keeping despite protest, is the moment when Hanabata had fallen off the boat and remerged with a large lilypad upon his head rather than the hat he wore earlier today. You'll likely use it as blackmail for a few more days and squeeze a couple of free lunches out of him first.

-When you'd made it home together and got cleaned up from the day, you both chose to unwind on the couch and watch some TV. He'd of course happily dozed off next to you while you were channel surfing and that very same smile hadn't left his face not even in his sleep.

[ginnsbaker]

Ginny baby I’m having a mini-crisis

I think I like my best friend and I don’t know how to go about getting rid of this. I’ve known her for 7 years and throughout that time I’ve had two separate occasions where I developed feelings for her, first time not that serious but I can’t say that about the second time. Admittedly the second time I surely panicked briefly but the feelings faded both times, what always followed after was that I’d feel insane for even believing I could feel that way about her in the first place.

BUT now it’s back and I’m in a sort of denial about it? I talked about it with another author here before but we ultimately chalked it down to it just being attraction. Now I’m scared that’s not the case?

Last night I went clubbing with some close friends but I ran into (let’s call her Wanda I guess?) while waiting in the line to get in. Wanda looked so damn good, I’m already shorter than her normally but she’d was in all black wearing her platform shoes along with a skirt and a blouse. Wanda and I are touchy drunks(with other friends too) but the way that we’d been last night had me feeling something. Whenever Wanda and I would talk, we’d lean our bodies closer together and start talking directly into each others ears, her hands finding mine after the start of every sentence- one would assume we were doing that because we couldn’t hear one another but it wasn’t loud and when we’d talk to the people around us we’d stay firmly in place. Wanda went out with three friends and one of them was this guy who I knew liked her, I thoroughly enjoyed the fact that he saw me holding her and talking to her in a way that looked intimate.

I didn’t really think much of it last night cause I’d been focused on having a great time, but now that it’s day I’ve realized all of that really put a different angle to the perspective I once had about what I was feeling and why. I hate it, i want it to go away because I’ll always prioritize maintaining our friendship above anything else, this is not something I’ll ever admit to anybody I know but I guess I’m saying all this because I wanted to ask if you’ve ever been in a similar situation and how did you cope? How did it play out for you?

Somebody once told me it might only be attraction and a gauge that I could use to see if it was is imagining a future with them and I wish they hadn’t said that. I’d genuinely believed it was just attraction but I’ve been thinking about that question all day today, the answer to that question has my heart racing at the imagination of it all, but I swear I’d been indifferent to it when I’d first been asked.

The less I think about it, the more I ignore it, the less it feels real so thanks for letting me rant to you gonna go back to gaslighting myself out of this(SI SE PUEDE). Needed to get all this off my chest. 😮‍💨

omg sorry I was already asleep when this went in.

*wears calliope's hat* before we proceed i have a couple of questions:

how long have you known you're attracted to your bestfriend? was it even before you were friends?

have you been in relationships with other women?

(disclaimer: im not a therapist of any sort im just experienced when it comes to being gay cause ive been gay since i was 2 and now im almost thirty lol)

I'm assuming she's straight? so here's my #1 piece of advice is: NEVER FALL FOR STRAIGHT GIRLS

fine, there might be few instances where falling for straight girls will eventually shake their sexuality and give us a shot, but dude, that very rarely happens. Fics, movies, tv series love to portray them often but in reality.... NO.

Feelings for bestfriends WILL pass. I assure you that. Cause yea, I've been in your shoes. I met my best friend in college during sophomore year, and we were from different groups of friends and I intentionally got to know her because I had a crush on her (turns out later on, she also has a crush on me, but it's the type of crush where she finds me pretty so it's basically straight people crush). She had a boyfriend when we became close/bestfriends and I was hang up on her for two years before the feelings finally went away.

Now she's married, and she's still my bestfriend and everytime I think about the past where I was very attracted to her, I'd laugh.

I coped by just letting it run its course. And definitely being interested in someone else helps. Go out there, meet new people, get to know new people. You have the luxury of using a dating app without being judged for it (in the 2010s that's not the case).

Again, whenever possible: DO NOT FALL FOR STRAIGHT GIRLS

The less I think about it, the more I ignore it, the less it feels real so thanks for letting me rant to you gonna go back to gaslighting myself out of this(SI SE PUEDE). - Dude, keep thinking about it. exhaust yourself. go through the drama and the wonderful feeling of being attracted to somebody. it's all part of life. accept that you have feelings for her and then decide: 1- if you want to pursue it 2- if you want to let it pass.

I decided not to pursue it because she's really straight despite the fact that she's touchy and back in college, i'm the only one she'd ever sleep in her apartment and we kissed like 1-2 times on the lips (yes straight girls dont mind)

But in the future, lemme repeat: DO NOT FALL FOR STRAIGHT GIRLS

[palukoo]

84 - what's the exact middle of the films you've seen this year lmao

ex-lady (1933)!!! a movie that you watch and go woah that couldn't have been made just a year later!

i actually enjoyed it and found it like an interesting study almost in like. what the hays code took from us lol. because like obviously there were certainly some outdated things that i don't currently recall the finer details of bc i think it was probably mostly the like standard issue 1930s shit. BUT it also genuinely did shock me in its portrayals of like sex and non-monogamy. im gonna kinda get into it so this is gonna go under a cut lol

like it was very casual on pre-marital sex and had discussions of like not wanting to get married in spite of loving each other and didn't vilify her for not wanting to get married (but then they got married anyways bc of social expectations) and like. iirc the non monogamy did just start as her husband cheating maybe but then!! they were just like okay lets do an open marriage now! we're still married but we're just gonna treat it more like casual dating we'll live separately and can see other people. which is crazy bc stuff now still barely portrays open relationships i feel (and like if so, rarely in a way that isn't a joke or explicitly like bad/cringe/whatever in some way). and like, it DID end with them being like actually we just love each other and should be with just each other but it wasn't really judgy on it, like it was like okay this isn't right for us, but not like this was dumb or bad and we never should have tried it. it honestly gave it kind of similar treatment/consideration as the conflict in their marriage caused by them working together and having like professional disagreements (that i think made her go work for someone else but NOT stop working!! win!! i may be wrong but that's my recollection). oh also on the pre-marital sex, the wiki plot summary i just checked mentioned that like it kind of implies use of birth control! hell yeah! the other wild part is that it also just. had them watching like a female burlesque dancer (or similar level of like ooh sexy woman) and then be like well that got us in the mood so we're gonna have semi-public sex now!

so yeah idk it just makes me kind of like damn obviously it's not like all other cultural things would have been fundamentally changed if we didn't have the hays code but i do wonder like how much the state of like attitudes towards sex and like portrayals of non traditional sexual/romantic relationships in movies (and eventually tv) would have been different/where we'd be today. like watching certain pre code movies and then code movies bc i think to an extent people think old movies are like that yeah bc of the code but also because it was the 1930s! and like yeah that's true and i said that too (bc the racism sexism classism etc) but there are some things they were generally like. doing interesting portrayals of that you wouldn't expect! idk if this is coherent at all i'm just always thinking about what the hays code took from us.

i know bette davis like hated this movie bc like she felt like it was too much of like a glamour girl role/they sexualized her too much in the marketing and like that's fair and i could say so much about the studio system but i'm not gonna get into it. (i will say like it's also probably bc bette was not uh particularly sex positive lets say but like. i do think it's also fair for her to want control over her own roles/publicity and how sexualized she is lol). and i will say, it's certainly not like great writing or particularly compelling characters but at the same time it's such an interesting cultural relic of a moment of sex positivity that was so immediately shot down after. also... relevant to your interests its apparently a remake of illicit (1931) starring barbara stanwyck. so there's that.

[woahjo]

tbh i'm also really curious about what all your answers might be to all those questions in the ask game if that's okay with you 😆 you have a very interesting and nice perspective (as i also see in your writing) that i am curious and want to know about your thoughts through those asks if that's fine :) (you don't have to if you think it's too much!)

this is SO SWEET!! i don't mind answering them at all!!! i'll try and do most of them, but im gonna pick my fav questions from the list <33 and ill put them below the cut. im so flattered actually that u wanna hear my answers to them what if i blushed...

What did you dream about last night?

OH FUCK i forgot i had this dream until i got halfway through the questions but last night i had a dream that i was at work but i was falling asleep during it. like could not keep my eyes open,.. and my manager messaged me on teams and she was like "we can see you doing nothing" but for some reason i just could not wake myself up. and then when i DID wake myself up in the dream i was like "bro something is wrong why does it feel like im still asleep. wake up!" and then i woke up and realized i was just dreaming. it scared me 😭

What is your favorite color?

i like yellow and orange!!!! but lately i have been on a bit of a light blue kick since this summer!!

Do you feel more connected to the moon or the sun?

this one is cute!! i think i feel more connected to the sun. i'm more comfortable during the day and tend to be in a better mood. plus i really like the way it feels on my skin <3

Have you ever wished on a shooting star?

a few times!!! i've seen some on the rare occasion i went camping, but i never really remember my wish long enough to know if it came true or not lol

What do you enjoy daydreaming about most?

god this is going to sound so corny but lately my fav daydream has been imagining that im winning my first emmy for an animated tv show. idk i just imagine the way it would feel to have my work and dreams recognized, getting to thank my parents and team and shit. corny corny i know but i love imagining it.

Do you believe in guardian angels?

i do, but in a nonreligious way! i won't go too deep into it, but i've had many dreams / experiences that preceded major life events that i can't explain otherwise. even without it, it's nice to think that there is something out there looking out for us. kinda like the universe has us in mind.

What is something (or someone) you’re in love with?

this one is hard!! i haven't been in romantic love with a person ever i don't think (mutually at least), but i am in love with my friends. i really truly believe i met them for a reason and i think i'm the luckiest person because they're in my life. i have so much love for them that i genuinely don't know what to do with it. my other love... and i say it so frequently... is writing and storytelling. it's the greatest love of my life, i know it.

What’s your ideal summer aesthetic?

linen clothes and dresses and flowy shorts and humidity and laying on the floor outside. unheated swimming pools, music from a speaker or the tv, friends laying out on towels. exploring cities and sweating and driving to the beach on a whim and sitting on the porch eating lunch. roadtrips along the coast with the windows down. yeah <3

Talk about something exciting or good that happened to you this year.

maybe not this year, but this summer, i spent a month traveling japan with one of my best friends.

Where do you feel most at home?

with my friends!!! always always always with my friends

What is something you own that is important to you? What makes it so important?

writing and creating things and making art!! i genuinely can't stop myself from doing it. i write and make things with the same urgency and feeling as eating or drinking water. i do it before i sleep and when i wake up and even just in my head constantly. it's corny, but it's a part of me and i genuinely can't live without it.

Do you believe dreams have meanings or are they completely random?

i've had some WILD dreams that absolutely have meaning. some of my dreams are totally random, but i think a lot of them are symbolic of things or feelings i'm experiencing. i had one that was so long and frightening and weirdly poetic that there's no way it couldn't have meant something. haven't quite figured it out yet tho LOL

Do you believe in love at first sight?

nope! i've definitely written about love at first sight, but i think that to really LOVE someone, you have to know them. that's one of the best parts about love.

What’s the sweetest thing someone has done for you?

i've spoken about it before but when my dad had a brain bleed in may and was rushed for emergency surgery, my friends (and housemates at the time) emailed all of my professors for me, packed a lunch, packed my car with blankets and tissues, sat with me while i packed a bag with clothes, and drove me six hours one way so that i could be at home with my family. he ended up going into surgery while i was on the drive back home and the housemate driving me held my hand for hours while i waited for news that he was out. i'd never felt more held and loved than i did then and they are some of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me to this day.

What’s your zodiac sign? Do you think you fit the general characteristics of that sign?

i'm a taurus (with a leo moon and leo rising)!! and i absolutely think i fit the characteristics LOL

Are you more of a hopeless romantic or realist?

mmmm i'm not sure! i'd say hopeless romantic if i had to pick one, but not to the point that i don't know how the real world works. i don't like big gestures though, so im not sure if maybe that disqualifies me LOL. i just like the idea of eventually being known and loved for it.

What’s a song that gives off good vibes anytime you listen to it?

hold in, hold on by kid bloom!!!

Have you ever written a love letter?

nope!!!

Name a book you don’t mind reading over and over.

heaven by mieko kawakami. i could read it 800 times and never be sick of it. the lilith's brood trilogy is a close second, though i've only read it once so we'll have to test it. but i LOVE that series.

What do you do to feel at peace?

i write or draw!!! that's typically my first instinct when i need some quiet or some callie time. i feel very calm when i create.

[likeawolfatthemoon]

even though 1989 is my least favorite album, it came out when @damn-its7am and i lived together. right after i graduated from college, moved out of my parents' house, and across the country from arizona to illinois. most of my distinct memories of listening to it are during winter driving (which was traumatic at first for someone who learned to drive in phoenix) and that is why it will always be a winter album to me.

a lot of feelings 1989tv is digging up under the cut

and that entire period in my life is......fraught. i was finally free (somewhat) of the weight and trauma of living at home that i had desperately been hoping to escape for so long. i was with my best friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was happy and excited but also struggling with mental illness the likes of which i wouldn't even begin to get a grasp on until years later when i was diagnosed with bpd. it somehow felt like finally getting to have positive experiences more often made those negative feelings sting a thousand times worse. i couldn't find a job for six months!!!! i felt like a failure. and when i finally did (when haylie got me a job, really) then i had to contend with having a real life job for the first time!!!!! but i had someone i was excited to come home to and who loved me and who i felt like i could finally be a real person with. then i had to contend with the extreme jealousy that came with her good and healthy traits of: having other friends, happening to be falling in love at the same time, having school AND a job to be focusing on instead of spending time with me (please note: i know these are NOT rational things to experience jealousy over, it was the undiagnosed and untreated bpd, we have since discussed this period in our lives and are better for it, i feel very grateful to have a friend who has empathy for my mental health struggles 💖, but i am feeling weirdly emotional about 1989 right now, thus it is being aired out in this post lmao - if you experience these kind of extreme emotions over your relationships like.......seek help, not being facetious, i say this with love and empathy) (also note, said person she was falling in love with is now her husband and we love him, we always have, a very rare good man - he was never the problem) (he and i also have in common that we can do a smashing dennis quaid impression)

i was also contending with like.....the fact that my mom was dying......and that i just left. and i was mad at her. and i felt so guilty. but i also didn't want to talk to her bc her brain was so messed up that she wasn't even really my mom anymore. and maybe it wasn't even that i was mad at her, maybe it was that it was too painful to answer the phone and try to carry on a conversation with someone who couldn't string two lucid thoughts together. but looking back on it now, the lucid thought WAS just im sick and im scared and i don't know what's going on and i want to talk to my baby and to this day that stills eats away at me and makes me feel physically ill with hatred for myself.

it felt like i was in a freefall and still to this day i don't know if it was a good or a bad thing, but probably both. at least i jumped, at least i did something with my life and that was better than the stagnation and depression i was in before. i was suicidal and i had more anxiety than i had ever had in my life......but it also kinda finally felt like there were glimmers of hope. and the everyday of my life, when i wasn't living in my emotions, was good. I know the way im talking about it sounds so terrible but i look back on this time with such nostalgia as well. and it really was a first step toward a healing journey that im probably going to be on my entire life. it just feels like SO critical and crucial to who i am as a person - and 1989 was the soundtrack over all of it.

i think that is why i am just so in love with the tv cover and her smile and it being the FIRST album she's smiling on. she's reclaiming that time in her life with a breath of freedom and peace and looking back on it happy and triumphant and PROUD of herself.

fuck yeah. you did that. me too.

[needsmustleap]

okay posting my thoughts IMMEDIATELY after having finished the finale:

-lance reddick 💔 hope whatever's next is treating you well. killer performance

-i think the show really would have benefited from longer episodes and maybe more eps too..... they really had to rush through things imo and i wish we could have gotten more downtime with the trio to see their personalities and relationships more. and also like camp in general, when they cut back to percy training w luke it was kinda jarring, like when did they even have time for that

-i really wish they had kept the dimension of annabeth having a crush on luke & showed us their relationship more. she struggles w his betrayal throughout the whole series and the reveal in the finale just felt kinda underwhelming. also i think it's so realistic and relatable to have a crush on a guy like that lol and it just overall adds more flavour in gen but also to her dynamic w percy

-in gen i feel like the show was already foreshadowing percabeth hard and i wish they had not lol. but i was worried they would do that so i may have just read what i thought i was gonna see into it.

-this ties back to pacing/short and limited # of eps, but it's just interesting to see how they tried to take it from book to episodic tv show. the second last few eps i think didn't come off as well/weren't as satisfying as episodes. just interesting to think about the structure an ep calls for and how/where it was a bit incompatible with the story. idk

-i did really like it. the guy who plays poseidon is so hot so gotta watch black sails i guess lol. i need to rewatch to better articulate the things i liked i think. looking forward to watching the making of lol.

-minor thing but wish they had eaten the food at times lol. i know there are very good reasons why they rarely do this in shows in general but i feel it just added to the sense of detachment from the characters that i had.... like idk, eating can just be so personal lol but also they're on this long quest and strapped for cash the entire time, they should be scarfing! they were in the book! minor but it distracted me a bit. and i think also speaks to the lack of downtime/pacing etc thing. i just feel we didn't get to really know the characters well. i think all my thoughts tie back to this really.

-concluding point : it took me so long to get used to seeing them be babies lol, i guess in my mind i tend to always think of them as my age. it's been so long since i read any of the books so i guess i was closer to their age back then esp during the sequel series, so i mostly remember having known them back then i guess? was just odd, they're literal babies!! but i got used to it. looking forward to (hopefully if they get renewed i guess) seeing more of this version of them. may have to reread the books but i may be looking for something i can never get back lol

-glad we saw so much of sally, and her relationship w percy and its complexities. they really focused on parenthood lol

-hopefully if they get renewed they can do longer and more eps. idk tho you really can't trust these platforms. it's sad bc the show could've been really great if they'd had more time to work with. it was good but you can feel the crunch for time imo

-like it's a tv show.... the whole thing is getting more time w the characters (yes the entire thing of all tv shows)..... i just keep thinking, how different is this to the movie exactly. ya it's more faithful the book but what else? it's been eons since i last sawthe movie lol but idk im just thinking.

-really need to rewatch to marinate more on they did end up saying/doing

-okay good night

-wish we had gotten more grover also lol but this ties back to everything i already mentioned

[gravitycoil]

Dream of 6/9/23*

(gross, helminthophobia, graphic warning)

Yet another dream where this shit happens but, I was home and it was night time and I'm going thru the fridge trying to find a snack and I see this meat. Ground beef or something. I couldn't tell if it was rotten or not so I asked my mom and she then proceeded to say it's fine and eating it straight up raw just from the fridge? (it was rotten) She then gave me a piece like held it up super fucking close to my face and I practically jump backwards away from it and make sure it didn't touch me at all. I'm like, "I'm not eating that. That's disgusting." and some other shit happened but I don't remember what but eventually Im in the car at nighttime like, idk why but I'm in the back just sitting there and I realize someone is in there with me and I freeze i didn't know what to do but I eventually just speak up and they turn to face me and I startled the shit out of them. We didn't say anything to one another but he got out the car and opened the backseat door next to me and sat next to me and then some other guy got in the driver's seat. I look at the new person and I recognize them even tho idk who it is at all but im like holy shit I know you. Eventually I say something like "You need to take me to the hospital I'm afraid if I have worms" and he starts driving and taking me there and I'm just anxious and paranoid as hell I think we eventually get to the hospital but they wouldn't take me in for some reason like they refused to help me and even kicked us out so we had to sneak in and find out for ourselves. I pick up this paper or something that detailed a bunch of symptoms of different parasites and what they looked like and all these different details and I realize that I had every single one described and had them for a long ass time. I don't remember what they were called but as soon as I realized it, I could feel them. One of them was super rare and the only way to get rid of it was purposely infecting yourself with another parasite so it could eat the rare one. It was all so fucked up I hated all of it. I don't even think I was able to get them out of me like I'm pretty sure the end of this dream was me accepting I could never get rid of them.

Dream shift

Was a hunter and was in a group with like 2 others and we had this rival smoker group who lived up the rafters of the roof while we lived on the ground and every so often one of us would be snatched by one of them but we always helped each other get out. I remember we were very cat-like with our body language and headbutted each other we also loafed a lot. lol. The smokers were getting really annoying like we were all trying to sleep but they kept picking at us and I got really really mad and ended up scaring them back into their corner up the roof. I might've killed some I don't remember. At one point we all try to sleep again and I remember it being something like If you didn't sleep in a certain amount of time you got killed or something lmfao. I remember I couldn't sleep at all but I tried to pretend I was and for some reason a tv turns on and is playing music and for whatever reason everyone started to blame me even tho I did nothing. They kicked me out.

Dream Shift

Was home or something. I was at some house thing and it was night time and I'm showing my friend around I'm like giving him a tour and I sense something bad was about to happen or something and I tell him in a really panicked mannor to start lighting candles and placing them in the corners of the house and he was all confused asking me why and I just yell at him to do it and that there's no time, eventually I try to hide in a bush with him and we suddenly can't move anymore and this woman starts to look around for us we perfectly hide from her and I don't remember who she was or what she wanted but I remember being so relieved that she didn't find us and nothing bad happened.