#im not sure I wont wake up soon and regret it and cry over years of wanting long hair and cute hairdos

[sophiemars]

Due to the impending European energy crisis, I shall forego showers and baths, walk around with a bar of soap and wait for the fucking rain

[squeak-the-cat18]

Since im bored and have nothing else to do : more song quotes!!

(Tw because most of these are sad/depressing)

(Also none belong to me credit goes to the respective artist)

I'm drowning in your memory but it is all that I have left

Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't want to know.

Do you care about all the little things, or anything at all?

I wanna sunburn just to know I'm that I'm alive

If I can't see the sun maybe I should go.

Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming of angels on the moon.

Did you know that every day is the first of the rest of your life

This is to one last day in the shadows and to know a brothers love

Tell me all your thoughts about the stars that fill polluted skys

How did you love?

It was almost love, when I heard that sound and the walls came down I was thinking about you.

Its not what you believe, those prayers will make you bleed

Time will take us all and turn us into stone

Her hands tell the story of hardships that we'll never know

How did you love?

How we forget ourselves from the cradle to the grave

We are the judge and jury

I drove for miles just to find you and myself

Its not your fault im a bitch, I'm a monster

Sure as the sunrise shes seen things you'll never see

I can't let her go.

Please don't go most nights i hardly sleep when I'm alone

I think of you whenever I'm alone

Would anyone care? would anyone cry if I finally stepped of the ledge tonight?

Would anything change? Would you all be just fine? cause I need a reason to not throw the fight

It just might save my life.

Home, a place where i can go and take this off my shoulders.

I wont to lie so hard to hide I've never felt worthy of love, I would give up everything I had just to feel good enough.

Someone take me home.

Tell me why the world never fights fair

Shes still here fighting, better know there's life in her yet

Tell me how all my dreams turned to nightmares, how did I loose it  when I was right there

Just to get to a place where even though there's no closer,  I'm still safe

I found no cure for the loneliness, I found no cure for the sickness.

I'm 11 minutes away so why arent you here?

Would anyone notice if tonight I disappeared? Would anyone chase me, and say the words i need to hear that im no burden, not so worthless

I would sell my soul for a bit more time

You swear to god but I'm a nonbeliever

So tell me when it kicks in

This is how it ends, I can feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream

Would anyone want me if they knew what was inside my head?

No no don't leave me lonely now, if you love me how'd you never learn

All the voices in my mind calling out across the line

Your losing faith while I've been holding on.

It leaves us with regrets and picks apart the threads of over fragile bones.

Tell me pretty lies, look me in the face tell me that you love me even if its fake

We were blessed by the breath deep inside of us

Give me the strength to look the devil in the face and make it home safe

Playing dead I'll never do, gotta keep an eye on you

Promises broken again

Would anyone see me for the person I really am?

Take a hit shoot me down I will never hit the ground

Put an X on my chest, but I'm still standing cause I wont forget all the hell you put me through, I'll save myself in spite of you

This time I wont let go

When you go down all your darkest roads, I would have followed all the way to the graveyard

I keep digging myself down deeper, I wont stop til I get where you are

Trying to find the root of all that's come between us

White flag, never going up no no

Don't you know I'm aint afraid to shed a little blood

Id rather die than give up the fight

You look at me with eyes so dark I don't know how you even see

I'm good, I'm good, I'm great.

Ain't that my blue in her eyes?

Where everyone you know never leaves too soon

Too many years of battle scares and now we're broken

But while your on your knees how did you love?

Don't take her from me

Don't wanna see her grow to be just like you

But it only feeds my energy

I'm chasing dragons, this dragon's got my hand

Sweet love, my oldest friend, have we come to the bitter end

This time don't you save me, baby I can feel myself giving up

But I dont see so easily what you hold in your hands.

Pray for my soul

Those eyes tell nothing of a soul that is spent, a soul that's longing for death

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Saving Grace - Part 9

Steve leaves you and your son to go back to Peggy unaware your pregnant.

Your heartbroken and struggling without Steve until Bucky Barnes steps up to help you out. With you and Bucky growing closer everyday will he be your saving Grace?

I was sat on the sofa nursing Grace when the front door swung open and a laughing Harrison came running in.

"You better run pal I'm gonna win!" I heard Bucky chuckle.

"No way!! I faster!!"

I turned just in time to see Harrison throw himself in the armchair declaring himself the winner while Bucky was carrying various bags of groceries in.

"Hey doll" Bucky smiled over at me with a wink before heading into the kitchen.

"Uncle Buck i win!" Harrison yelled happily.

"Yeah you did Buddy, good job" Bucky called back sounding amused.

"Wow your so good bud" i smiled at my biggest baby, he just laughed and run into the kitchen.

"Okayyyy" i mumbled as i straightened up my shirt and moved Grace so i could wind her. Harrison came running back seconds later with a pink t-rex stuffed teddy in his arms.

"This is for Gracie" he said holding it out.

"It is? Oh my god! She loves it baby"

"I picked it out"

"He really did, i couldn't say no" Bucky chuckled walking over and giving me a kiss.

"Its very sweet babe, but where's my gift?"

"Im your gift" Bucky wiggled his eyebrows at me making me laugh.

"Your such a dork"

"I know but you love this dork" he shrugged with the cockiest grin spread on his face.

"Oh i regret it...." i shook my head teasing him "here take your daughter i need to pee so bad" i said getting up and passing Grace to him before quickly darting to the bathroom.

Coming back into the living room a few minutes later i smiled seeing Bucky cuddled up with both kids who were fast asleep.

"Wow that didnt take long" i chuckled sitting in the armchair "your like the baby whisperer"

"I took Harrison to the playground on the way home, think he wore himself out and lil miss is in a milk coma!" He laughed looking down at Grace who was sleeping with a smile on her face.

"Hey, so i was thinking of asking Wanda to come watch the kids the weekend" i said suddenly feeling really nervous as i played with a loose thread on one of the scatter cushions.

"You mean...."

"Yeah if you want...."

"Of course i want!" Bucky nodded quickly making me chuckle.

"Good! Thats good, i thought maybe we could go up to my dads cabin and get Wanda to stay here with the kids. I dont really want them at the compound incase Steve shows up"

"Sounds good to me doll, but just so you know Sam said Steve hasn't been around for weeks. He seems to have realised how bad he messed up"

"Even so, it will make me feel better about being away from them if i know their here"

"Okay I'm sure Wanda wont mind being here, she practically lives here lately anyway" he rolled his eyes.

"Shes just trying to help" i said sticking up for my friend "and its a godsend to have her around while your working"

"I know I'm just teasing" he grinned "its fine doll".

After 20 minutes or so of sitting watching TV with Bucky i felt restless and got up to head to the kitchen to make some tea.

"You okay?" Bucky asked instantly.

"Yeah just making some tea"

"Okay, its just you've been a bit quiet"

"Didn't want to wake the kids" i shrugged and carried on to the kitchen. While waiting for the kettle to boil i suddenly found myself standing there silently crying. Since having Grace id occasionally burst into tears for no reason, now would apparently be one of those times!! damn hormones!!

After grabbing a tissue and wiping away any evidence that id been crying, i splashed some cold water on my face and continued making the tea (a coffee for Bucky) and headed back to the living room.

He was sitting alone on the sofa when i walked in and looked at me with a smile.

"Where are the kids?"

"I put them to bed, baby monitor is on the table" he pointed to the split screen monitor in front of him "i need some time with my girl now, come here mama" he smiled holding out a hand towards me. I couldn't help but smile as i put the mugs down on the table and took his hand. Bucky tugged me towards him and pulled me down onto the sofa to lay with him, his front pressed to my back.

"Feel better?" He mumbled against my ear as his hand caressed my hip slightly.

"Im fine Buck..."

"I heard you crying doll"

"Its just hormones, i didn't even realise i was crying at first"

"If something was wrong you'd tell me right?"

"Of course i would" i told him truthfully reaching back to kiss him "i may fall asleep in a minute I'm exhausted"

"No problem, you should get some sleep while the kids are sleeping...."

"Okay, just stay with me"

"Always".

The next day i headed to the compound to talk to Wanda about having the kids while Bucky and i went up to the cabin. I had checked Steve wasn't around before going over, i wasn't in the mood to deal with that today. I had Grace with me but Bucky had taken Harrison to the zoo for the afternoon, since Grace arrived we had made an effort to spend time with Harrison on his own so he didn't feel neglected and end up hating his baby sister!

"So what brings you by here? Its been a while since you stopped by" Wanda asked rocking Grace in her arms.

"I came by to ask if you were free to watch the kids this weekend...."

"Oooh you finally got the all clear for physical activities huh?" She teased wiggling her eyebrows at me.

"I did! And stop that!" I laughed "i think we've been very patient!"

"Oh you have i know!! Of course i'll look after them" Wanda agreed straight away smiling like an idiot "its what aunties are for anyway"

"Thanks Wan, could you come to us though? I dont want them here incase he shows up"

"Yeah thats fine, makes sense anyway. Everything i'll need is at your place"

"Thats great, i'll get the guest room set up for you".

I had been at the compound for a couple hours now and thought it best to head home and start on dinner. Bucky and Harrison would be back from their day trip soon. I was just about to get up and get Grace settled in her pushchair when i heard Wanda speak up.

"What are you doing here?!"

I snapped my head round and there stood Steve Rogers in jeans and grey henley, his beard had grown back in and his hair looked a little longer..... just how he had looked when we first started dating!

"I...i was looking for Sam, we're meant to be going for a run" he replied holding up his duffle bag.

"Well can you go wait somewhere else?"

"Its fine Wanda I'm leaving now anyway" i gave her a tight lipped smile and finished getting Grace in her pushchair.

"Y/N..... could we talk for a minute? Please?" I heard him ask.

"I've got to get home Steve, Harrison and Bucky will be back soon?"

"please? just a few minutes?"

"Steve, she said no!" Wanda snapped at him, they had always been close and it was horrible to see the distance between them now.

"Okay...." he said sadly turning to leave.

"5 minutes" i suddenly said shaking my head at how stupid i was agreeing to this.

"5 minutes is good, thank you".

"I'll stay close by, yell if you need me" Wanda said quietly to me as she left, we both knew Steve heard every word though!

Steve walked over and sat in the chair next to me, he leaned closer to the pushchair to look in at Grace and smiled.

"She's beautiful Y/N"

"Thanks. So what did you want to talk about? Like i said i need to get home"

"Right" he nodded "Bucky and Harrison been anywhere nice?"

"Bucky took him to the Zoo for the afternoon"

"Man i miss trips to the zoo, Harry always loved seeing the lions" he smiled at the memory.

"His favourites are the wolves now"

"The wolves huh?"

"Yep ever since Shuri and T'Challa visited and called Buck 'white wolf' his been obsessed with them" i shrugged.

"Thats cute" Steve nodded sadly before looking up at me "im sorry. Im sorry for everything..... i should never had left"

"No you shouldn't have, but you did. You can't change that Steve"

"I know. I dont know what i was i thinking sweetheart"

"Lets not not do this again. It wont change anything.... you chose another woman over your fiancé and your son! All those years i gave you and you chose a woman you spent 5 minutes with a 100 years ago!!" I took a deep breath trying my best to stay calm and not shout at him, i didn't want to wake Grace "i loved you so much and you threw it in my face. You didn't even have the balls to say goodbye"

"I know" he admitted avoiding eye contact and we sat silently.

"If you could go back to that day, the day you left us..... would you still do it?" I asked breaking the silence.

"I dont know.... i had a beautiful life with Peggy, but i missed you and Harrison so much. There was no way to get back to you, the machine hadn't been invented yet so i had no choice but to embrace my life with Peggy"

"You know what? Im glad you went" i suddenly told him shrugging my shoulders "if you had of stayed here Bucky and I wouldn't be together" i saw Steve grit his teeth hearing me mention his best friend "and i can't imagine my life without him, i love him more than any man I've loved before. I thought what you and i had was the real deal, my big love..... but i was so wrong. Bucky is it for me Steve, so i guess i should be thanking you for leaving"

"Theres no second chance for us is there?"

"No. Maybe down the line somewhere we can try to be friends but it'll never be what it was" I got up getting ready to leave when he cleared his throat and wiped away a few tears that had escaped.

"What about Harrison?.... can i spend some time with him? I know i dont deserve it but I've missed him so much"

"Thats up to Harrison. I cant make him spend time with you Steve, but if he wants to.... its something we can discuss. Look i really need to get home, bye Steve".

Saving grace tags:

@jennmurawski13 @kenzieam @captainchrisstan

@s-t-r-i-k-e-us @lets--be-honest

@ms-betsy-fangirl @damnaged-princess

@farfromtommy @disneylovingal @lbuck121

@billweasleey @rynabarnesrogers

@heathens-takeitsl0w @lacontroller1991

@supervengerslock @barnesandrogersworld

@mariswritingforfun @perpetually-tuned-out

@thummbelina @marvelousstyles

@broco8 @ineffableg-irl

[safebubblebycyg]

jegulus (jamesxregulus) on- telling people! fight me, i like the ship:

sirius:

☆ he was the second person they told

☆ "you're- you're what???"

☆ "pads, are you deaf? we're dating"

☆ sirius was shocked to say the least

☆ regulus immediately regretted saying anything

☆ "james, why couldnt we have just left it at remus, i knew this was a mista-"

☆ "i personally think you could have done better than james, reg, but whatever hits your bludger"

☆ "padfoot, no one says that-"

☆ became stoked after getting over the shock

☆ literally would NOT stop yelling about how james could become his brother-in-law

☆ regulus now regretted telling him for different reasons

☆ james could have sworn he saw sirius sketching a wedding invitation with his a reg's names on it

☆ yells "cooties" everytime they touch

☆ gives them both cookies on their monthly anniversarys

remus:

♡ first one they told

♡ well, he more confronted them about it

♡ "regulus has a hickey that wasnt there five minutes ago and i left you two alone to grab a book for that long"

♡ james blushed profusely and regulus simply looked like he wanted to turn to dust and cease to exist at that moment

♡ remus laughed

♡ "im literally dating your brother, regulus, i could care less"

♡ james sighed and relaxed immediately at remus' carefree reaction

♡ regulus didnt lighten up so easy, still scared from being caught

♡ "...you wont tell, right?" he spoke softly

♡ REMUS HEARD HIS HEART SHATTER, THE POOR LAD DIDNT WANT HIS FAMILY TO HEAR ABOUT HIM AND JAMES, MERLIN BLESS THIS PURE CHILDS SOUL

♡ "of course not, i know what that would do to you, i wouldn't ever do that to you regulus. especially because sirius would chuck me at the womping willow and let it beat me alive"

♡ remus makes excuses for them when they're both running late from making out in broom closets

♡ once jokingly gave them condoms "no baby black-potters are needed here"

♡ provides james with advice on dating a black (he really only told him that cuddling and chocolate was the way to go when they were upset and to wing the rest)

lily:

◇ she found out on accident

◇ she was just trying to find remus when she walked in on regulus and sirius swooning over their boyfriends

◇ she didnt really mean to walk in at the exact moment said "if james potter does not marry me soon, i think i might die, hes so lovely, siri, really he is"

◇ she dropped her books which made the two look up and regulus immediately bust out in tears

◇ he only wanted the marauders to know and now the girl james crushed on for over a year knew

◇ sirius rushed over to lily and begged her not to say a word to anyone, telling her that only the marauders knew

◇ she agreed upon seeing how much of a mess reg became

◇ regulus sobbing attracted remus and james (she was looking for remus in the first place)

◇ james just about slapped lily for "making my precious baby cry"

◇ "you two make a lovely couple, i wont say a word. it was an accident really. i was looking for remus. can we go study now?"

◇ "yeah, of course, lils"

peter:

♤ last of the marauders to know

♤ sirius told him. without permission. at 4am. while they were sneaking to the kitchen.

♤ yeah, it was an odd scenario

♤ sirius had woken up starving and decided to wake up the one marauder who would gladly sneak into the kitchen for cupcakes at 4am; peter

♤ as the two were sneaking about the castle, they caught a gryffindor and slytherin couple snogging

♤ peter gasped and almost peed himself "but they're rivals!"

♤ "no, they're lovers. just like reg and james! WAIT FU-"

♤ sirius didnt have time to swear as peter whipped around and stared at him

♤ "YOUR BROTHER IS WITH JAMES??!?!??"

♤ sirius guilty nodded and shoved peter into the kitchen

♤ he then explained that regulus and james wanted to tell him later that day but now that peter knew, they should know that he knew

♤ james slapped sirius

♤ regulus thanked peter for being accepting (relatively so, he just wanted to know who he was supposed to cheer on at quidditch matches)

BONUS! mcgonagall:

♧ hell yeah, james told mcgonagall

♧ she actually found out after remus and sirius

♧ "reggie, cmon, i have to let the third love of my life know that im taken" "T H I R D ?"

♧ first is regulus, second is sirius, and third is dear minnie

♧ regulus and james knocked politely on her door after dinner one evening and were invited inside

♧ "what can i do for you boys?"

♧ and james, with the dumbest grin on his face, said "my dear minnie, i am now taken by the more handsome of the black brothers and felt the need to make you aware of my relationship status"

♧ she grinned. though taken aback at the relationship, she was pleasantly surprised that james and regulus had taken the time to tell her

♧ "that's lovely, you two. im assuming i must keep this a secret?" "oh yes, only moony and padfoot know"

♧ mcgonagall felt honoured that she was the THIRD to know

♧ "professor?" "yes, mister black?" "please make sure my parents dont find out, or anyone in slytherin"

♧ regulus had shattered yet another heart

♧ "of course, mister black. you are safe here at hogwarts"

COOLIO, THATS REALLY IT THANKS FOR ENDURING MY LOVELY JEGULUS BECAUSE IM IN LOVE W THE SHIP

[littlebitoffanfic]

Make It Count

Fandom: Creepypasta Character: Jeff the killer Relationship: Jeff/reader Request: you haven’t done jeff the killer in a while . do you still do the creeypasta fandom? Great! Jeff thinks hes in a dream and they fuck but he wakes up the next day and realises his dream came true You sat on the sofa in the large living room with the tv on in the background while you read. The house was rather quiet tonight, with most being away on either killing sprees or proxy tasks set by slender. Either way, you were glad you were getting some time to yourself. As if fate had heard your exact thoughts, you heard the front door open and close as someone entered the house. Turning, you looked at the entrance to the living room, expecting to see either Laughing Jack or Jeff since they had been the first out so might be the first back. But you didn’t see them. Normally they would come to the living room first to find someone to gloat to about their kills. But they didn’t. Moving off the sofa, you heard the stairs creaking as you heard someone going up the stairs. “Hello?” You called out, hoping whoever had entered the house would reply. You had a sense of dread as you walked to the bottom of the stairs and looked up to see Jeff climbing them with a limp. “Jeff?” You called out to him, quickly running up the stairs to his side as he froze. “Hey [y/n]!” Jeff cried out with a false joy that made you suspicious. Despite the smile that dawned his features, you knew something was wrong. Your eyes quickly looked over his body and found an area with more blood on it than normally. And growing. “What happened?” You asked, looking up to Jeff who knew he had been caught out. He let out a growl and lifted his hoodie and tee-shirt to show a nasty stab wound. “Damn prick got the upper hand for a moment.” He growled, dropping the fake voice for one with pain and anger in it. “Don’t tell the others.” “I wont. Now come on.” You took his hand and guided him up the remaining stairs with support and towards your room where you had a med kit. “What were you going to do if I hadn’t found you?” “Hoped for the best.” Jeff chuckled slightly, seeing the disapproving glance you shot him. Inside your room, you made him lie on the small sofa you had as you quickly fetched the med kit from your bathroom. You had the second biggest room in the house (apart from slenders) and your own bathroom which was always handy. Slowly but surely, you stitched the wound up, jeff wincing at the start but managing to drift off half way through. That was the one thing you were grateful for. Proxys had a lot higher threshold for pain. You made him take off his hoodie but leave his top on which you just pushed up. Deciding against waking him, you threw a blanket over his body before changing into a nightgown in the bathroom and then lying down in your own bed and drifting off. ---------------timeskip ------------------- It was still nighttime when you woke to the sound of groaning. It took you a moment to remember Jeff was in your room and passed out on the sofa. Well, he was. You could see in the moon light he had sat up. “Jeff?” You called out softly, propping yourself up on your elbows. Jeff seemed to tense at your voice before twisting to look at you. Then something in him snapped. He threw of his covers and moved across the room in a flash before pressing his lips to yours in a rough kiss. You jumped at the force alone as he dominated the kiss, a deep growl leaving his chest. But you were eager to kiss him back. You didn’t know what had came over Jeff, but you were glad. It was hard being in the house with him because you loved him and had done for years. So to have him take control and kiss you like this made your head spin. When he felt you kissing back, he crawled onto the bed and you kicked off your own covers as he moved between your legs, his hips buckling slightly. You felt him through his jeans and boxers. He was hard and grinding against you for relief. You leaned back and wrapped one arm around his neck and the other slipped between your bodies to rub his bulge, making him growl. Proxys weren’t lovie dovie, they weren’t romantic and lovers. You knew exactly what you were getting yourself into and you needed as much as he did. You had all but forgotten about his wound. Breaking the kiss for a moment, Jeff fumbled to undo his jeans and pull himself out of his boxers. You didn’t even bother trying to take off your panties and he didn’t mind. He simply pulled your nightie up and reached between your legs, pulling them to the side. Apparently, the quick make out session had been more than enough to get your going as your hips buckled against his fingers which rubbed there. Moaning, you didn’t care who heard. It all seemed so surreal. He didn’t take long before lining himself up with your folds and thrusting inside. You threw your head back as you let out a strangled moan as he filled out. You felt Jeff press peppered your jaw and throat with kisses as he began to thrust inside you at an almost painful rate. But you had a high threshold for pain, and it quickly turned to pleasure as you wrapped your arms around his neck to pull him back in for another kiss. His hands found your waist and held your hips down as he fucked you senseless. You needed it though. How long had you wished for him to do this to you? To just push you up against a wall and fuck your brains out. To take you from behind with no warning. You just needed that release he could offer you. “Pl-please.” You gasped against his lips as his hands gripped your hips painfully. You didn’t even know why you wee begging him. “Yeah, fuck. You’re so good.” He moaned as he gasped for air. You raised your hands over your head as you moaned. He took this as an opportunity for one of his hands to run up your front and onto your breast. Arching your back into his hand, you moan. “I love you.” He suddenly growled, burying his face in your neck as if he had said it to you a thousand times rather than this being the first. “W-what?” You gasped as his thrusts became quicker and harder. “I love you!” He then bit down on your neck, making you cry out. “I-I love y-y-you.” You moaned as the pain was quickly eclipsed by your orgasm that crashed over your body. You quickly moved your hands to the back of his head, desperate for something to keep you grounded as you felt the pleasure pulse through your body in the most magnificent way. But you weren’t the only one. After a few more erratic thrusts and moans, Jeff came. You lay there for a few moments, basking in your orgasm as Jeff pulled out of you and moved to your side so you were closest to the wall. His arms wrapped around you so easily as he pulled you against his chest. Not that you minded. Closing your eyes, you drifted back off for the final time that night. --------------time skip ---------------------- When you woke, you could still feel Jeffs arms wrapped securely around you. You had moved to lie on your side, your back to Jeff but he was cuddled up behind you. And it seemed you weren’t the only one to have woken up again. You felt Jeff pull his arm out from under you to push himself up, a slight growl escaping his throat like it was sore to move. You rolled onto your back and stretched, a soft moan leaving your lips as you felt your muscles tighten from the nights sleep. This caught Jeffs attention. “[y/n]?” he asked, sounding confused and a slight big scared. “yeah?” you breathed, not fully awake enough yet to realise what sort of situation you were in. “Wait, why are you in my bed?” He asks, making you open you eyes a sit up. “You’re in my bed.” You point out seeing his eyes dart around the room which was still dark thanks to black out curtains but the sun poked in through the side. Then his eyes trailed back to you and looked at your neck. “Shit.” He growled as he scrambled out of your bed, his legs obviously not fully awake yet as they shook slightly. “Im sorry.” “Sorry for what?” You ask, confused as you moved out of the bed, wondering what was on your neck. The second you looked in the mirror that hung on the wall, you remembered everything. You had had sex with Jeff. And now you had a love bite on your neck. “Shit!” You cursed, rubbing your neck as if it might come off if you did. “I thought it was a dream!” Jeff growled as he moved quickly to grab his hoodie. “thought what was a dream?” You turned to him, confused as ever and slightly scared. You didn’t want to see him regret last night. “When I woke up. I thought I was in a damn dream again.” He clarifies as he pulls his hoodie on, fumbling a little. “Again? Do you dream about fucking me often?” You ask, getting a little more agitated. “every fucking night!” He growled then froze as he met your eyes. “You said you loved me. Last night. Do you say that in your dreams?” You ask, your voice soft as you walked over to him, scared he was going to run out. “Yes.” He breathed, unable to lie to you but also unable to maintain eye contact. “And outside the dream?” You ask as you stand in front of him. “Do you want to fuck me, to love me, outside the dream?” “More than anything.” He breathed, his eyes showing fear for the first time. “Good.” You smiled, leaning forward and kissing him, this time softly. Jeff seemed to melt against your lips as you kissed him softly and sensuously. While you needed it rough last night, both of you needed a little tlc this morning, even if he wouldn’t admit it. You take his hands in yours and guide him back to the bed. “Come on, lie with me for a little while.” You smile as he eagerly climbed back into bed with you, wiggling out of his hoodie but filching and holding his side when he threw it. “Your stiches! I completely forgot. We’d better check them.” You panic, starting t scramble out of them bed but Jeff wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you back. “Nah, im good.” He chuckles, and you knew from the death grip he had around your waist you weren’t getting away any time soon. “Im gonna have to get some concealer and foundation.” You mumbled, rubbing your neck as you lie against his chest. “You’ll need more than that?” He chuckled, seeming to puff out his chest proudly at the love bite. “You wont be smirking when everyone else in the house see it.” You look up at him and saw a flash of fear cross his eyes again, this time because of the amount of proxys who protected and cared for you. “Shit, I only got a few hours left alive.” He breaths as you move so you were straddling his hips. “Well, then. We better make it count.” You giggle as you lean down for another kiss.

[the-marvel-imagines-blog]

Madness | Chpt. 5

Requests are Open

Chapter Title: “Thunder in the Rain”

Pairing: Loki x Original Female Character

Word Count: 7,968

Warnings: angst (I mean, when is it not angsty?), new character alert, also some kissing :*

Name Pronunciations: Hjalmar: “He-all-mar” | Aaldir: “All-deer” | Ephinea: “Eh-fin-ee-uh”

A/N: Y’all are my favorite people in the universe. Thank you so much for reading and enjoying what I’m writing. Even if not every chapter is you cup of tea, it means a lot to see that people are leaving likes, messaging me, reblogging, etc. I love you all so much! Also, please note that I have taken and will be taking a lot of creative liberties pertaining to these characters. This will be shown in excess during the upcoming chapters, so I just wanted to give a bit of a warning.

Tagged: @teddyboobear @alledeglyfunny (anyone who wants to be tagged can message me and ask. It’s not a problem at all)

As I walked away from him, a part of me hoped to hear some kind of regret in his voice or anything at all, even. Instead, I heard nothing. He was silent. Maybe I had to do what everyone had been telling me to do all along: let him go. In my heart, I knew what would have been best for me. I knew that I would have been safer and filled with less grief if I let him go and went to Midgard to be with the Avengers and her. I knew that she would undoubtedly fill the void in my heart that Loki left there, as she had been the one to fill it ever since he fell. Still, I felt responsible for him as well as the Nine Realms. I saw the damage he had done to the world we knew as our second home. His suit was black (the absence of light), gold (what had once been my favorite color), and green (his favorite color-the color of my eyes). He attacked the part of Midgard we had last been to together. It was a night of laughter and happiness for both of us and a memory that was now clouded with pain and darkness. He still used the daggers I had given to him before he left for a battle with Thor-a battle Thor talked the Allfather into keeping me out of, as I was still recovering from the last one.

A piece of me wondered if he had a reason. Maybe he truly didn’t care for me anymore, maybe he lied to me all those years, but for what? What did he have to gain from an orphan girl? He was a God, and I was just another Asgardian. There was nothing extraordinary about me. If he wanted to manipulate someone for so long, why wouldn’t he choose someone with more power? I had to believe that it was more than that. I had to believe that there was something else that I just wasn’t seeing clearly. He was still in there. The man I knew was still holding on and fighting back this new version of himself. I didn’t know what happened or what made him turn on me so quickly, but I had a few theories of my own. Perhaps he found out about my secret from Odin that day, but I still didn’t even know how Odin would know in the first place. Maybe he fell out of love with me quicker than I had ever anticipated he could. I didn’t understand, but it wasn’t for me to try to figure out in the middle of the night when I was still sick from the ale that evening.

I made my way up to the training grounds, casting the illusion just long enough to make it past the guards. Once my eyes were dried, I dropped the illusion, finally visible again. I lifted a dulled sword from the rack and walked over to one of the training dummies before taking out every ounce of anger, frustration, and pain on it. I didn’t need to build my skills with the sword anymore. However, I knew to practice regularly to stay nimble. Tonight, however, was simply to hit the dummy as hard as possible to make my muscles sore. I just wanted to make myself tired enough that I could fall asleep for the rest of my life, and if I couldn’t achieve that, I at least wanted to be tired enough that when I laid down in bed, I could fall asleep immediately. I didn’t want to think of his harsh words or the way he glared at me like it was my fault he fell in the first place. I didn’t want to think of the mistakes I had made or the grief I felt over the loss of a man who meant so much to me.

Listening to the loud crack as my sword hit the dummy over and over again helped drown out the sorrow in my heart and the voices in my head that were even more cruel than Loki could ever even hope to be. As I growled, I thought of every moment in my life that I felt anger, every moment I felt alone, every moment I felt weak. I thought of the night he told me he hated me, the fall, when I saw him on Midgard, when I left her, when Tony Stark shed a tear for me, when she cried. There were so many moments, but they all came rushing back as the wall I had built up to keep them away finally broke down and crumbled into nothing. Suddenly, I heard a loud crack and opened my eyes to see that my last swing of the sword had been too successful, as the blade lay broken on the ground.

“For a woman as peaceful as yourself, you sure like breaking swords when you’re angry,” Thor’s voice rang out from behind me.

I whipped around, surprised by his presence. I hadn’t heard him coming, and I certainly didn’t feel him because of my clouded thoughts. As soon as I looked at him, my mind quieted once more. He was a peaceful soul with eyes as deep as the oceans. He leaned against one of the pillars with his arms crossed over his chest. His robes cascaded over his broad shoulders, and he wore a slight grin upon his lips. I shook my head, dropping the handle of the sword, which would be of no more use, “I apologize if I woke you,” I murmured, attempting to walk past him. I was in no mood for speaking as my frustration had not been washed away completely.

He caught my arm before I could pass him, and as my chest continued to heave, he spoke, “you did not wake me, Lady Eva. I figured that after you visited Loki, you would come here,” he said, hinting at the fact that he already knew what I had been up to that night. My mouth gaped open as I searched for any possible explanation other than the one he proposed. Before I could lie, he continued, “my brother has been playing tricks on me since we were children. Do you not think I can tell? Plus, I’ve known you since we were children, and I knew you would go down to see him at some point,” he shrugged.

“I had to. You can be mad, you can tell the Allfather, you can do whatever you need to do, and I won’t be upset. All I ask is that you continue fighting for him the way I have,” I said, straightening my shoulders, “I will accept whatever punishment my King sees fit.”

“Your King will never know,” Thor replied in a hushed but stern voice, “I will not be speaking a word of this to my father. You did what needed to be done, something he doesn’t believe is worth the time or energy. You’ve looked out for my brother since we were kids, and I would’ve been ignorant to believe that you would just stop because of what happened on Midgard. You still see the good in him, and I admire that because I still love him just as much as you do,” he added, “how was he?”

I stepped back over to him, and he released my arm from his grasp. I motioned around the training grounds, “well, I’m out here, so it didn’t go as well as I had anticipated. He’s still hurting, and it continues to break my heart every time I see him. I can feel his pain just as I could before, but it’s amplified.I just don’t know if I can keep doing this to myself, Thor. I don’t know if I can keep trying to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. It would kill me to abandon him like this. His mind is chaos. He needs a moment of clarity, of peace, but...maybe I can’t give that to him,” I answered the best way I could.

“Who better to show him that moment of clarity than you?” he asked, gazing down at me with eyes that shined like the sun on my darkest day. While every other love I felt paled in comparison to that which I shared with Loki, Thor brought something else into my life, something more beautiful than life itself. He reminded me that life was not about power or status, it was about living. He had a love for all living things that matched my own, and I loved him all the more for it. Thor never pushed me away, “you have done so much for him, Eva. You may not think you’ve done enough, but you’ve done more than everyone else put together. You have sacrificed more than anyone else. All I know is that you need to take fate into your own hands sometimes. Maybe you find that you don’t want to wait for cooperation from Loki or the Allfather. All I know is that you have allowed others to control your destiny for too long, and it’s time for you to take your control back,” he added, “and if you need to talk or cry or scream, you know that I’m always here.”

My eyes filled up with tears, and I pushed them back, having cried more than enough over the situation. It felt like I couldn’t stop since the fall. It was that moment that I made the promise to myself: I would be weak no longer. I would weep over my situation no longer. I could mourn for the man Loki once was or give him no other option other than to accept my help. As my chest continued to heave due to the unchecked frustration, I grabbed the back of Thor’s neck and attacked his lips with my own. It was the only thing that felt right. It only lasted for a second before the shock forced him away from me, and he held me at a short distance. He cleared his throat, color filling his cheeks, “why did-what are you...we can’t do this when you’re still a bit drunk, Eva. I don’t know if this is you or the ale from earlier, but...you aren’t in the right state of mind for this right now,” he noted, chuckling to lighten the mood.

“Does that really matter anymore?” I asked, closing the space between us once more, and he allowed me, “I want this. Do you want this?” I asked, gazing up into his eyes.

He sighed, “you know I do, and you know I’ve wanted this for a long time. There’s a reason I haven’t done anything since we were young, though, Eva. You belong with Loki, and I don’t want to get in the way of that. I love both of you too much to ruin what you have,” he whispered, his arm snaking around my waist, telling a very different story than the one spilling from his lips.

“What do you think you would be ruining? The rubble of our love? Do you think you can shatter heart we shared anymore? Could you kill a flower that was already dead?” I asked, realizing that, while I loved Loki more than life itself, he loved me no longer, “I will love your brother until the day I die, but he has hurt me so much, I think I deserve a moment of happiness. I deserve to remember the sweetness of love, which is something I have forgotten the taste of for so long. Remind me...please,” I begged, grasping onto his robes in a desperate attempt to let him know that I would not hold anything against him.

He searched my eyes for any hesitation that could have been lingering there, but he found none. He found only loneliness and grief. Perhaps he felt sorry for me, or perhaps he was giving into urges that had lain dormant since our childhood. Either way, he kissed me. I threw my arms around his neck as he lifted me off the ground. I wrapped my legs around his waist, grunting lightly when he pressed me against the pillar he had been leaning on only moments ago. His lips were smoother than I had remembered them, and I could feel the areas he bit when he was nervous. As his left hand grasped my thigh, offering me an extra level of support aside from the pillar, his right hand steadied my face as he kissed me with more passion than I’d ever anticipated.

To my disapproval, his lips departed from mine, and he began to sprinkle kisses along my jaw and down to my neck, a place Loki always loved. As I squeezed my eyes shut, I forced the thought of him from my mind and focused on Thor. When he grazed his teeth against my neck, I arched my body into his, feeling a shiver run through me. As I arched into him, his arms wrapped around my body, squeezing me against him hard enough for me to feel every muscle and every crease even through the clothes. For the first time in such a long time, I felt small in someone’s arms. Aaldir, Hjalmar, and Loki always made me feel that way, like I never needed to worry when they were around. However, she had the opposite effect on me. I was the one to make her feel small, the one to protect her. Ever since her, I had not felt like the small one until now.

With one arm still draped over his shoulder, balancing myself, I grabbed his face with my other hand and turned his head so that he was looking into my eyes. I saw joy and desire and so much anticipation. I pressed my lips to his once more before pulling away and trailing kisses along his defined jaw and down to his neck. His hold on me tightened as I ran my lips along a sensitive spot. As I kissed him, he walked us down the hallway toward his chambers. He opened the doors with his back and shut them with his foot. When we were finally in the comfort of his room, he peeled me off of him and pushed me down onto the bed. I chewed on my bottom lip and laughed as his eyes scanned over my body.

Before I could react or speak, he joined me on the bed, nestling his body between my legs and proceeding to kiss me once more. As soon as I felt his warmth, Loki’s face flashed behind my closed eyes. I tried to blink away the tears in my eyes, but it was like he could feel my hesitance. He pulled away from the kisses and pushed himself off of me in an attempt to figure out where he had gone wrong. I shook my head, trying to collect myself, but I was failing miserably. The promise I made to myself such a short time ago was already being broken as I began to cry, “I’m sorry, Thor. I’m sorry,” I broke down, hiding my face in my hands. I felt so much guilt in that moment, so much anger at myself for being so stupid as to believe that I could just replace the love I received from Loki.

As soon as I began to cry, Thor crawled over to me and wrapped me up in his strong arms, “I know that you don’t want to hear this right now, but as your friend, I need to say it,” he stated as my body quivered and trembled in the arms of the man I wished I was meant to be with. If I was destined to be with Thor, my life would have been so much easier because he would have loved me from the very beginning until the very end. I wouldn’t have felt this pain. Maybe I was just cursed, though. Maybe it was my fault that Loki was hurt the way he was. Maybe I was at the center of his pain. Before my mind could continue down the darkened trail any further, Thor spoke, “I love you, Eva. I have loved you since before I can remember, and I’ve never stopped loving you. For a long time, I wished that you chose me instead of Loki. I wished that you would find happiness with me, but I always knew that you two were meant for each other. Even though it kills me to say it, you and I don’t belong together. You belong with Loki. You always have. And I can’t let my love for you ruin your relationship anymore than it already has,” he said, grief clear in his deep voice.

I shook my head, wiping my tears away as I found the strength to gaze up at him, “you didn’t ruin our relationship, Thor. You had nothing to do with this,” I murmured.

He sighed, “there’s something I need to tell you.”

*Thor’s POV*

I had been more surprised that she stayed after I told her the story of that day, more surprised than I was that she didn’t try to hit me. Instead, we shed tears together, and I sat with her until she fell asleep. After I told her what happened and apologized profusely, she lessened my guilt by being adamant about how it wasn’t my fault. Still, I could see the pain the truth brought her. She was heartbroken, and she went to sleep that way. A piece of me wished I had kept it from her, but it had been two years of her questioning why Loki turned his back on her, and I knew the truth.

Unable to sleep, I found myself with Heimdall in the Bifrost. Though even looking at the Bifrost brought Eva a sense of misery, she spent much time in the very spot I was standing, and I knew that it was because the her fear and sadness over that fateful day paled in comparison to love she had for the Midgardians and...her. She asked about them often, and Heimdall would always fill her in on the health and well-being of each of them. She was always the most concerned about Tony, the two of them having a special connection that I could not understand. Steve also held a special place in her heart, which I could understand much more. He was a soldier and always put the needs of everyone else above his own. He didn’t like to fight, but he did so that others could know peace. Eva did the same.

As I stood next to Heimdall, staring out at the stars, I felt his gaze shift over to me for a fraction of a second, “you told her,” he noted, clearly having cast his gaze upon us when he felt her distress. The two of them were connected the same way her and I were connected. It paled in comparison to Loki’s connection to her, but we could feel when something wasn’t quite right.

I nodded my head, “I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t keep it from her any longer. She deserved to know the truth,” I insisted, feeling guilty that I brought her to an even deeper level of grief but feeling hopeful that it would help her see the truth, that she had done nothing wrong, “she’s become far more destructive since Hjalmar’s death, and I sensed that she was spiraling. She’s lost so much. She blames herself for Hjalmar’s death, and she blames herself for Aaldir’s sorrow. She blames herself for Loki’s turn and believed it to have been her fault, like she could’ve stopped him from wreaking havoc on Midgard. She had every right to know the truth,” I added

“You are not wrong,” he stated, gazing back out at the stars, “she sacrificed so much for Loki, but I fear that she will now try even harder to free him, even if it means committing treason. She has no reason to show the Allfather anymore respect, for she now knows that he played a pivotal role in pushing your brother over the edge,” he added, and I gazed over at his solemn expression. He lowered his grief-stricken eyes, “I fear for her safety if she tries to disobey the orders of the King.”

“You have my word that I will do everything in my power to keep her from doing anything reckless, but she has never listened to me the way she listened to Hjalmar,” I said, thinking of one of my dearest friends, “how is he?” I asked, hoping for some words of comfort about Hjalmar’s new home in Valhalla.

Heimdall sighed, “I...cannot see him,” he confessed, hesitant to speak the words to me. I furrowed my eyebrows, confused as to how the gatekeeper and the guardian of the Nine Realms could lose track of someone. Before I could ask any questions, he turned his haunting gaze upon me, “I have searched for him, hoping to regale Eva with some stories of him when she came; however, I have not found him. I have searched every realm, every planet, every moon. I have searched the entirety of Valhalla, and I even looked for him in the Realm of the Dead. Still, I have found nothing,” he said, turning back to the stars, “I suggest keeping this between us for the time being. There is no need to put her through anymore pain right now,” he stated, strongly.

I nodded my head, “but what if she comes to you and asks about him?”

He frowned, the mere thought of it bringing a sour taste to his mouth, “then I will be forced to break the heart of a princess.”

*1 week later*

After another night spent watching over Eva and getting barely any sleep, I found myself standing beside my father, the man who was the cause of so much of her grief. She knew it now. She knew what he had done, and while I was surprised that she didn’t hate me for the role I had to play in Loki’s downfall, I was unsure of how generous she would be with my father. The two of us watched her as she practically danced around the training grounds with Sif and Ephinea. She hated fighting, but there was a side of her that came out when she fought that I had never seen before. She was skilled in battle the way no other man or woman could ever even hope to be. She blocked the attacks from each of the goddesses, and the two of them pulled no punches. Sif and Ephinea never went easy on Eva, so for Eva to hold her own against the Goddess of War and the Goddess of Strength, respectively, said so much about her skills.

As gracefully as she blocked what would have been a “finishing blow” from Ephinea, she began to take the offensive, swinging the dulled swords and moving like the ocean. I had gotten the chance to see her on the battlefield so many times throughout my life, and it always left me in awe. She had a plethora of her own weapons, many of which Aaldir had crafted for her or helped in the crafting process. He had given her two short swords that she used on occasion, and he also gave her the greatsword she used most of the time. Loki had gifted her a set of daggers, which were delicately crafted but stronger than anyone could anticipate due to their beauty. She danced around Sif and Ephinea, fighting both of them and successfully knocking them down and finishing them. After her success, she helped them back up onto their feet before starting again. I glanced over at my father, “she has grown far more skilled in the art of battle than even you could have anticipated,” I smiled, gesturing to her.

He nodded, a faint smile tugging at his lips underneath his beard, “if this is how you plan to sway my mind on the matters she has brought up time and again, it will not work,” he reminded me.

I shrugged my shoulders, “it wasn’t my intention, but it would’ve been nice,” I stated, gazing upon the girl who was so strong but so broken, “she has a point, you know...about Loki,” I murmured, wanting my words to be between us. I watched as his eyebrows raised in shock, which was understandable as I had always been fairly quiet on the matter, never explicitly taking anyone’s side, “I don’t believe you to be delusional, which is why I think you know-as well as she does-that Loki doesn’t belong in the dungeons. He is far more dangerous around people who think like him. His mind was corrupted far more after he fell. Even if we could get him back to the way he was before, when he was only trying to take over the throne, instead of killing hundreds of innocent people on Midgard, it would be better than leaving him down there,” I explained, hoping that he would listen to me with an open heart and open mind, unlike when he listened to Eva make the same case about Loki.

He gazed over at me, the icy blue eye as solemn as ever, “so, you are proposing the same thing? I release Loki into Eva’s care, knowing that he is a weakness for her? Knowing that she could never do what needed to be done if it came to it?” he asked, “I simply implore you to think through every scenario,” he added, sensing that he had offended me.

I narrowed my eyes at him, knowing that he was not completely sincere, “no, you are asking me to doubt her. You are asking me to trust her less, but you don’t know her the way I do. You didn’t see her on Midgard the way I saw her. You have no idea what she has done-the sacrifices she has made-for the good of the Nine Realms, for the good of Asgard. You don’t see what she has given up, but I have,” I growled under my breath, angry that he would try to plant the seed of doubt in my mind.

He shook his head, “I do not wish for you to doubt her, but I do wish for you to look at this from a place of objectivity. If you did, you would have the same doubts I do,” he replied, a voice as calm as the breeze that morning.

“I can look at this objectively, and that’s why I believe she could take on this task. While we cannot go back and rewrite the past, she can turn the tides in our favor. If she were somehow able to turn Loki back to our side, think of what our strength could be with an ally like him! We would be much stronger with him as our ally than with him as our enemy,” I exclaimed, gesturing out at her, “look at her, Father! Truly see her for what she is! She’s no goddess, but she possesses the same skills as one. I don’t think this is coincidence. I truly believe that she is meant to be much more than another Asgardian woman.”

“You have much to learn about her, my son,” he frowned, trying to force a smile and failing. I watched as the look in his eye became distant, like he was revisiting a memory that brought him pain. He tried to push it away, but it lingered there.

I shook my head, “I know all there is to know about her. I know her better than I know myself most of the time,” I chuckled, gazing out at the woman I was in love with. For a long time, I fancied Ephinea and Sif. The two women were stronger than anyone gave them credit for, but I couldn’t talk to them the same way I could talk to Eva. Eva was just...special. I knew every little thing about her, even though I was sure my brother knew far more, things I couldn’t even imagine. I glanced back up at my father, “there’s nothing I don’t know,” I assured him, thinking of the many secrets she had hidden from him, secrets he would never even know.

“There is so much you don’t know about her, so much that you need to know,” he said, a sad smile spreading across his lips as he gazed out at her once more before stepping away from the railing and turning to face down the hallway, “walk with me and learn,” he motioned, and I obeyed, falling in step with him and casting one final glance back at Eva. Once we were far enough away from the prying eyes and ears of everyone else, he began speaking, slowing his pace, “before you or I, before my father and his father before him, Asgard was created. Where once there had been nothing, we received a land of beauty, peace, and salvation. This was the place where the Asgardians could call home, a place that was more beautiful and rich with life than any other, and we took it all for granted,” he explained.

“The land began to dry up. Where there had once been lush forests and beautiful mountains in the distance, it was barren. The Asgardians who lived her long ago took from the world but never thought to give back. They built this city upon her natural beauty, hiding the plentiful gifts she bore to them. The creeks and streams began to dry up. People believed that it was the world’s way of grieving. She had always provided for them, always gave more of herself than they could possibly take, but they did not rejoice as their ancestors once did. They took the gift of life for granted, and they took this realm for granted. They did not thank the world for her blessings, and they did not live their lives the way we were meant to,” he continued.

“The drought of the world continued. Food was more difficult to come by, and we were running out of fresh water. We began sending people to various realms to acquire what we needed and bring it back here. We had already stripped our world of all she had to offer, and we were doing the same with as many others as possible. Life was dwindling, and we were unsure about the future of Asgard,” he said before letting out a long sigh. When I cast my eyes over to his face, I saw that he was reliving a memory that haunted him, and a sadness came over him that I hadn’t seen before, “I had an older brother growing up, a man I’ve never spoken about, a man no one speaks of anymore,” he confessed.

I furrowed my eyebrows, wondering how it could be that an entire piece of Asgard’s history was lost to me, “I forbid his name to be spoken, and there are not many who remember him, not the way I do,” he frowned, “Cul was older, stronger, and much more capable than I was. He believed himself to be the rightful King of Asgard, and when my father-your grandfather-died, Cul took the throne for himself. My father had groomed me to take his place after he died, but my brothers and I allowed Cul to rule because of his promise to keep us as his close advisors, a promise he broke shortly after his coronation. He picked from a group of his loyal followers to be his advisors. It wasn’t until he took the throne that we saw just how twisted he was, how his desire to rule festered into a madness we had never seen before.”

As we walked into the throne room, he stopped and stared up at the golden throne for a long moment, “he ordered that we strip the other planets of their resources, and if we were met with hesitation, we were to take the resources by force. He wanted to make it clear that no one would stand in his way. A part of me wants to believe that he had good intentions, that he wanted to show the Nine Realms that Asgard was still a powerful seat. However, the more he took from other planets, the faster ours was dying, so my brothers and I did what needed to be done. We stopped him,” he said, frowning at the memory. I could tell that it brought him so much pain even recalling it, so I couldn’t imagine the pain he went through when he lived it so long ago, “there was a bloodbath in this throne room. My younger brothers fell that day along with so many others, and it came down to just Cul and I. He had sent his followers away to spare their lives because he knew I wouldn’t kill him, that I would spare his life because of the ancient rules, rules he never followed but rules I couldn’t break,” he explained, glancing back over at me.

I furrowed my eyebrows, “but you broke them on that day?” I guessed, hoping it to be true.

He shook his head, a few strands of white hair falling out of place, “I couldn’t, and it wasn’t because of the ancient rules. I couldn’t kill him because he was my brother, he wasn’t the King of Asgard, not to me. I couldn’t kill him because I could still remember running around the palace with him and getting in trouble for fooling around for too long when I should have been studying battle techniques. Instead, I banished him to the Realm of Death, hoping that Death would be able to do to him what I could not bring myself to do. It was where he belonged. He delivered so many souls to Death that day alone that he deserved to face them all once more,” he said, glancing back over at the throne and narrowing his eyes, “but if I could go back with the knowledge I have now, I would have killed him when I had the chance because-”

Before he could explain his reasoning, a booming voice caused the entirety of Asgard to quake beneath our feet. It was the first time in my life I saw pure fear in my father’s eyes, “Odin!”

*Eva’s POV*

I stood in the courtyard that overlooked the Rainbow Bridge. Thor and Odin stood side-by-side in front of Sif, Ephinea, Fandral, Hogun, Volstagg, and I. Behind us were members of Odin’s kingsguard. While I had not wished to even wake up at all that week-let alone see the Allfather-I stood there out of the love I had for Asgard and my willingness to protect the people from any intruder, including the one that stood before us with his battleaxe strapped to his back. He stood the same height as Hjalmar once did, only slightly taller than the God of Thunder himself. The man before us all held himself like a King with his shoulder straightened and his head held high. He looked massive, like he was a force to be reckoned with. I had never met him, but he looked so oddly familiar to me, like a face I had seen only once before.

Dark brown hair that matched his short beard fell in waves nearly as long as mine, but he pulled the strands from his face and fastened them behind his head to see clearly. Even from our distance, I could see myself clearly in his piercing green eyes. Those eyes were filled with so much anger, so much hatred, but they were still so beautiful and pure...a green that matched the colors of spring. My breath hitched in my throat, and it felt like I was going to suffocate. I knew those eyes. I knew them from somewhere, and when he spoke, I began trembling with unchecked fear, “I am Ezra, son of Cul, and I have been sent here by my father, Cul, son of Bor, the rightful heir to the throne of Asgard. I have been instructed to deliver a message to the usurper, your false king,” he spat out, grimacing at Odin. I was shocked by his words, unsure whether or not they were truthful. I had never heard of Odin having any brothers aside from Vili and Ve, and neither of them had any children of their own. It was clear by the looks on the faces of my comrades that I was not the only one who was confused by his claims.

Even if he did, Odin was our King, and for an outsider to show up in Asgard and insult the throne, it was unacceptable. While I was angry at Odin for justifiable reasons, I did not hate him, and I would still fight to protect Asgard and her people. As I made a motion to step forward, Ephinea put out her hand to hold me back. When I tried to pass her still, she grabbed my arm, making her movements as small and unnoticeable as possible to keep from gaining the attention of the the outsider. She gave my wrist a gentle squeeze, trying to remind me without words that this wasn’t the right time. The small motions still pulled the attention of Ezra, and he glanced over at me in particular. His green eyes scanned over my body, and he smirked, “you’re just itching to kill me, aren’t you?” he asked before glancing back at Odin, “I see why you keep some of your best warriors chained up in the dungeons-like your son. It must be terrifying to have this one roaming around,” he said, gesturing to me.

A fury erupted in my chest as he mentioned Loki. I gritted my teeth, my chest continuing to rise and fall at an alarming rate. Still, I remained silent, not wishing to escalate the situation. Odin spoke up, “did you come here to discuss the population of Asgard’s dungeons, or do you have another motive?” he asked, cocking an eyebrow with a mischievous grin. He was pulling a page out of Loki’s book, smiling in the face of danger. It was one of the things that made me love Loki even more, and it made me see Odin as so much more than I had been willing to in the past. In that moment, he became so much more three-dimensional than ever before. While he had forsaken Loki in the past and made his own mistakes, there was a piece of him that still loved the young trickster. When I saw him find his confidence the way Loki did, it made me think of the impact Loki’s actions must’ve had on the Allfather. While I wished to speak with Odin about it, I knew that this was neither the time nor the place for such discussions.

Ezra cast one more glance over at me with a smirk that made me sick to my stomach, but he turned his attention back to Odin when I grimaced at him, “my father sent me with his demands. In his exile, he has been building allegiances with many people within the Nine Realms and beyond, and I can assure you that none of them are particularly fond of Asgard. They would be willing and able to tear Asgard apart at my father’s command, but he is willing to go about this peacefully,” Ezra stated in a menacing tone.

“And what does Cul want in return for his promise of peace?” Odin inquired.

Ezra chuckled, stepping forward, “he wants the throne back, the throne you stole from him,” he growled, pointing a finger at the Allfather, “he demands you hand over the throne of Asgard, and in return, you will be exiled to the Realm of Death just like you did to him. As I see it, you have two options: you can surrender and meet his demands, which will lead to a peaceful life for your people; or, you can resist, which will lead to our return and the subsequent bloodbath that will take place. Either way, we will take the throne of Asgard, but your decision could save thousands,” Ezra said, offering Odin the ultimatum as if he was in any position to do that. He came to Asgard with no supporters behind him and threatened a King with the entire Asgardian army at his disposal.

Odin smiled at the man in front of him, and I saw the condescending undertones, causing me to smile as well. While I harbored some ill will toward him upon recent news, I could not bring myself to hate him or declare that he was a poor king. He held himself with strength and dignity, which was something that would not work in the strangers favor, “you forget the third option,” he smirked, and Ezra cocked his head, clenching his fists, “it’s where I let your armies come, and I defeat Cul just like I did all those years ago. I had no problem doing it then, and I won’t fail now. You do not look for peace, but I pity you if you try to fight us. We know much about what must be sacrificed to maintain peace, and I do not wish for a war. However, I will do what needs to be done should your father attempt to wage a war against Asgard and her allies,” he explained, “so, you can tell my brother that his proposition was met with resistance.”

Ezra chuckled, stepping even closer to Odin. As soon as he was too close, the entire army behind us drew their weapons, but Odin raised a hand, wishing to entertain the boy for even longer. I listened to the warriors lower their weapons, but they did not put them back in the sheathe. I glanced down at Thor’s hands that were balled up in fists. Ezra leaned in close to Odin and spoke, “well, I came here for your surrender, and I’m not about to leave empty-handed,” he murmured before stepping away from the two of them and pointing at me. Once more, his eyes trailed along every piece of my body before locking eyes with me, “I’ll take that one,” he dictated, closing the space between the two of us.

Before he could stand directly in front of me, Ephinea stepped between the two of us, “try to take her, and I will rip you in half with my bare hands,” she threatened, rage clear in her voice. She had always been like an older sister to me, so it didn’t surprise me that she would react like that to someone who was threatening my safety.

Ezra glanced over at her but then back at me, “call off your dog, pet,” he instructed, cocking his head to the side with a smile filled with false admiration.

I scowled at the nickname he decided to give me, and I felt a chill run down my spine at the thought that I could be traded off to ensure peace, even if that peace would be short-lived. Odin’s stunned silence was not helping ease my troubled thoughts, but I had to act with strength and grace just as I always tried to, just as my father taught me all my life. I raised my hand and rested it upon Ephinea’s shoulder as I stepped out from behind her. She gazed over at me, horrified and flustered because of my actions. She had no idea what I was planning to do or why I was planning to do it, but I offered her a short glance that I hoped would set her mind at ease. When I stepped between her and Ezra, he didn’t break eye contact with me. He smirked, one of his eyes twitching ever so slightly as he narrowed them at me.

He searched my eyes-for what, I didn’t know-and when he didn’t find what he was looking for, he grabbed my chin and brought his face impossibly closer to mine, “tell me, what is it you want, pet? Do you wish for acceptance? Strength? Power? A real family? A place where you belong?” he asked, “I’m sorry to break your heart, but you won’t find any of that here, not with the current ruler. And, what about Loki? I’m sure you want him back, too, don’t you?” he asked, causing my breath to hitch in my throat. How did Ezra know about Loki? How did he know about my deepest desires? As I stared up at him with wide eyes, terrified that he was able to pick me apart so easily. He raised his eyebrows, sympathy crossing over his face, “you have so much to learn, beautiful, and if you cooperate, we’ll give you the answers you seek and the opportunity to live out the rest of your life with Loki,” he murmured before grabbing a fistful of my hair and pulling me even closer to him, “but should you fail, I will find your girl on Midgard and tear her apart in front of you just for fun!” he growled, my heart twisting and shattering into a million pieces before he pushed me down onto the ground.

“THAT’S ENOUGH!” Thor’s loud voice boomed, almost like thunder itself. I could barely think of anything aside from Ezra’s threat. I was paralyzed with fear at the very idea that enemies of Asgard knew about her, that they could use her against me. Thor spoke as I tried to collect myself, “you are sorely mistaken if you think we’ll just hand her over to you. Now, we have entertained this madness for long enough. If you try to take her, you will not live to see another sunrise,” Thor promised, glancing down at me and nodding his head. I knew that I would have nothing to fear with Thor by my side. Even if Odin, for some reason, wanted to send me away, Thor would betray his father just to keep me safe.

Ezra chuckled again, laughing in the face of the God of Thunder, “I haven’t seen a sunrise in nearly 300 years,” he confessed, and a piece of my heart broke for him. I couldn’t help but see small pieces of Loki in him, the anger, the pain, the hate. I had nothing to compare Ezra to, though. I knew the man Loki used to be, so I knew that pieces of him were still alive. Still, everyone could be saved, and that included the enemies of Asgard. Ezra continued, “no matter! I’m used to taking what I want by any means necessary, and I don’t lose,” he said before unsheathing his axe in one swift motion and swinging it down toward Thor.

In the split second it took Ezra to begin the attack, I jumped up to my feet and drew Hellbreaker, one of the many swords my father had helped forge for me. Right before his blade could graze my prince, I stepped in front of it, catching the handle of his battleaxe with the blade of my sword and stopping him from hurting Thor. His eyes widened in clear astonishment. I was sure someone like him didn’t anticipate anything extraordinary, especially not from the person he nicknamed “pet” only moments prior. I pushed him away from the Thor and I, “you don’t lose?” I asked, grinning up at the intruder, “well, neither do I!”

[lim-lifeinmotion]

A story about a boy just a little bit broken

I would like to tell you a story About a boy that is broken Not by much Only just a little bit if at all You see this boy was a happy child He did normal happy child things He’d play and sing and dance Even if not very good but oh how this boy liked to play In the mud, mud pies, mud soup He liked the mud he did Stuck in the mud, mud scrub, mud bath mud, mud, mud, mud, mud He was an odd little child, Liked playing with barbie dolls, ken dolls He had no preference really And eating snails He enjoyed spending time with his friends Although mum made this difficult sometimes You see mum didnt always agree with the other mums Im sorry you cannot see them anymore But that is okay because he had plenty of other friends to play with But none were like them He felt sad and lonely Where are all my friends? This boy also loved to fish! What a thing it was Spending time with dad who he never really saw One weekend away this little boy had a new friend Of who’m he’d like to play! A new friend he thought  “I’m so happy” Mummy and daddy should we play? Allright said the little boy He knew nothing better Down his pants went I dont understand why? Touches his pee pee Nobody can touch that? But a new friend is a new friend “This is our little secret”? Okay So everynow and then They’d play mummy and daddy She was a lot older  He was only 3 he didn’t know any better He did not want her to touch his pee pee Or lick his private parts But a new friend is a new friend Will everyone be angry? So as the years went by mummy and daddy wouldn’t stop fighting To count the days when they were happy? He was young but even he could count as high as 10? It’s all your fault we fight they said Time and time again If it weren’t for you kinds we wouldn’t have these problems “I don’t want to be the problem”? How do I not be the problem? Be a better boy, listen a little more, Maybe if i stay home I can show mummy I‘m a good boy I dont want you to go away This little boy found a new friend!  Hip hip horaay He was so happy and excited A reason to wake up every day But this boy could never stay over Not for a whole night What if mummy was gone when I get home? Please take me home, I want to go home now. Once more mummy disagrees with the other mummy, I am sorry you cannot see them any more I’m sorry I’m not supposed to talk to you I have to listen to what mummy says Now they wont stop fighting, And we’re moving in with my aunty I liked her dog and her pool and her piano A few years we were happy, no more yelling at last But as this boy got older He saw his sister being yelled at Please stop fighting I don’t like to see you all cry When she was 15 she had had enough He didn’t want her to go but knew mummy would be happier if she did So she did We were happy again Daddy came home but the fighting continued Only with my other sister now It wasn’t long before she moved out  A few years into highschool You see everyone in this family Was in the top of their clases They were not dumb or stupid They weere in fact extremely smart Nerissa was good at english,

 drawing, she was also a very nice singer Tyla was good at netball and maths, she was so popular and so was nissy Ryan was good at maths and art and really enjoyed running and sports, He wasn’t the storngest but he could run and never look back But now everyone had moved out And I was again all alone The boy had no friends Although everypne knew who he was At school he’d walk and chat Bounce between groups making them smile and laugh You’re so funny ryan So many friends now! But on the weekends it was playstation and games Nobody wanted to hang out with him  Out of uniform he really didnt belong And the yelling started again His entire life he did not think it would ever be him? But im such a good boy mummy I try my best every day Until one day It was time to leave You see out of nowhere he met a boy A boy he fell in love with Someone that liked him, thought was funny and kind It’s all he’d ever wanted The boys became close They shared their first kiss Their first everything What a time to be young, to be alive He would get bullied  By the younger students Because the older ones knew his sisters Everybody loved them But they no longer went to school They both left way too young They were so smart and so popular I dont understand why? But this boy didn’t care The silly words people would say He was happy and in love He finally had a friend He started living with this boy, His family were like his own No fighting no yelling A safe and peaceful home for two years they lived together until they grew apart When you’re young you are curious There is so much to live for to see and to do He began to see the darkness again His home was gone again He had no friends The words now had power He tried but he let them in Fag they would say Push and shove him they would do In class he cried At home he died He began to wonder about death How beautiful it would be So he took the knife and made his first cut An addicion he would soon regret At first they were small On the wrist because thats were people did it right? But too many eyes saw  You cannot wear an armband all year So he took the knife and took to his thigh So much more flesh to cut I can go deeper and harder now than before This boy truly wanted to die Bloody sheets  Vodka bottles He stopped going to classes But did all his work He didnt want to be a drop out But he didnt want to go to school So in a bottle of chi he’d mix A bottle before, during and after school Nobody suspected a thing, He never wore uniform anyways He was never rude or inpolite The opposite in fact He had to be a good boy He had a job which he quit Becausee he drank and cut and cried Nothing could stop it A part of him had died So he decided he needed money Skipped a few weeks rent Was told they needed to talk So up he went and left He didnt mean to hurt them He didnt want to be a burden They found the bottles and the bloodied mess He didn’t want to make them angry So back he went “home” To the yelling and screaming The rules oh the rules Do not exist From here things fall apart and there is no more rhymes That little happy child, he was dead now, he died a long time ago and all that was left was darkness, sadness, an anti depressant shell He spent his days drinking and taking drugs and cutting himself. Nothing made sense, the only clear thing in his existance was the fact that he no longer wanted to be in this world and he made it clear that he was just waiting to die. I missed a lot out of this story, a lot of good things happened, he was so loved but honestly those memories are all but faded and bleak lost somewhere in the dpeth of the lonliness he had felt his entire lfe, the sadness, the emptiness that filled him. He was annorexic and coudln’t eat, he saw his weight go from 64 down to 48 where it would stay for some time. He met a lot of amazing guys but none felt right, none gave him that feeling that young cute boy did and no matter how hard he tried all he ended up leaving was a wake of destruction and hurt wherever he went. I could count 10 different people he ended up destroying, 2 earned the label. He never intended to hurt them, he really tried, he just wanted to feel loved, to feel something, anything at all. But never could. He sold his body for sex at the age of 17, he needed money to continue drinking and living because partying to forget was all he knew. What a messed up life this poor child had, no wonder he’s a god damn mess until the other day he knew anything bad that could have happened had happened to him, the other day when he remembered he was molested. He’s been raped by his best friend, molested when he was a child, sold for sex, beaten, thrown to the ground, abandoned on the side of the road by his parents. literally kicked out of the car at 3 or 4 years old and I just remember him standing behind the car screaming and crying, begging to let him back in. He been cheated on, drugged, ruphied, overdosed and died. He’s tried to kill himself on more occasions than I can count of both hands and both feet. He’s put himself in hospital but never once has he intentionally tried to hurt someone, Never has he ever laid another finger on another human being that he hasn’t blacked out and done in a fit of rage, childhood trauma is funny like that. I am not a bad person and I know this to be true but I feel like there is little more that life could throw at me, little more that I can have done to me because I have seen it all, been through it all and I am so angry at the world for this. For so long I see eyes that reflect the soul, I know how to play this game, I managed to trick myself into believing I was happy in order to stop myself from killing myself, you can sure as hell bet I will trick you too. When you look into my eyes and you see that pure innocent smile, that cheeky grin, the light sparking as it fills you with that infections glow. Sure some of the time it is genuine but for the most part I am just so sad and there is no way I want to put that onto anybody else, ssssssssso I will fool you into believing I am happy and so damn peaceful but my actions reflect someone so broken, so detroyed, someone that has next to no love or respect for themselves because how can I? After everything? Im working so fucking hard to make this work, to re learn the things I had stripped away from me, pice by piece, like tiny cracks forming on the glass I was constantly trying to fix and mend but like so many cracks I couldn’t keep up with the speed at which they were forming and shaterring. I became so very good at fixing them but now I am left with a broken soul, A shattered mind, a scarred body, left trying to yet again mend the pieces but she is so very tired, a life without a brake and I am ready to put the brakes on before I break because breaking is all I know how to do, breaking is what I do best but I just need a brake because it will break me otherwise. I know I am such a powerful person, I am so god damn resiliant yet still so fucking loving regardless of all this shit. I wonder sometimes how the fuck I am still here, kicking, working, moving forward trying to make a better life for myself, because with all this on a page and missing quite a lot, that is too much for one 24 years of “life”, That is too much for anyone to endure. I havent even mentioned my sisters life, how they both tried to kill themselves, “Home” was that bad that they would rather have died than exist. My youngest sisters boyfriend killed himself when she was 16 or so, she wanted to follow, had a note and the noose all ready. How much shit can life throw at somebody before it really is just starting to take the piss, I feel my life is just one big fucking joke because no way can this be real, no way can this be the reason I was put on this earth for. If there was a god why would he look at a 3 year old and smile telling him he was going to be sexually assaulted time and time again, beaten and abused for the rest of his 25 years in the world. How fucking dare you. How fucking dare you. This may seem like I am asking for pity but that I do not want, I don’t need your sympathy because it makes no god damn difference o me, It doesnt change the chemicals in my brain, it doesn’t give me a reason to get up in the morning or give me comfort in bed at night. I want you to know how fucking cruel this life has been and why I am so god damn fuking messed up in the deepest and darkest way possible. “Why” is the big question of endless possibilities but this is one of those reasons, one of the many possibilies, the endless ways my life could have gone and destiny looked at me and chose this path for me. Fuck you, Just fuck you and your bullshit lenses about flowers and fairies, I grew up with the monsters under my bed, the headless horseman was my ride through hell and back, Samara was my pen pall and nobody was there for me in the end to protect me, I can’t even protect me, I can’t say no to people so I just close my eyes, pretend to be enjoying it and let it happen. Fuck you Unedited rant because fuck reading this to edit its way too fucking much

[feraldavestrider]

i never check my mentions apparently @alpacalmond and @uiyutrentasei tagged me in a GTKM thing so im gonna do it oh uhhhh 2 weeks later LOL because i cant sleep and i hate myself

i tag @hal-strider if they didnt do it? and @noctiilucent, @kiyumiarashi, @whimsicmimic and @ataliaf uwu and anyone else who wants to do it!!

how tall are you: this is a cryptid question. i get a different result every time i try to measure myself and ive never asked anyone else to do it for me. some people tell me im very short, others have told me im average height for someone who is afab. im gonna hazard a guess at 5′5 tho.

what colour are your eyes: very dark brown

do you wear contacts and/or glasses: glasses. i literally CANNOT see without them. i mean like 2 inches from my glasses-less face is so blurry its unbelievable. i get super triggered by eye stuff tho so contacts are a no go ALSO i look weird w/o glasses anyway.

do you wear braces: no my teeth r p good actually. one is a bit wonky but thats life

what is your fashion style: i mean 90% panties and a sweaty 4 day tshirt because i just spend all day in my room like a goblin. BUT when i actually go out im ur basic ass post-emo trans dude with skinny jeans, converse and a too-big graphic tee. sometimes i spice it up with a plaid shirt because im fuckin GAY.

when were you born: october 12th 1999, babey

how old are you: 18 motherfucker flashes my titties and gulps a bottle of vodka im an ADULT

do you have any siblings: yes. a younger brother and hes a cunt

what school/college do you go to: im at sixth form rn (last yr of highschool technically if ur american but im not and hs finishes at 16 yrs old here deal with it). im going uni next yr tho and this years almost over for me academically since we go on study leave soon for our final exams. uwu overshares

what kind of student are you: the asshole who never studies for tests and does homework at 5am the morning before and still manages to pull straight As to everyones anger. im also the adhd class clown who makes random noises and cant concentrate half the time. ik i hate myself too im so annoying irl even more so than online.

what are your favorite subjects: in terms of actual content of the subject, english lit fs. in terms of classmates/teachers/general atmosphere DEFFO drama we spend half of our time eating cake, singing random shit and just losing our minds while filming it on snapchat which shouldnt at all be allowed.

what are your favorite movies: god idek. um. fuck. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i cant think of a single movie. ok ok ok i got it: white chicks, premium rush, scott pilgrim vs the world, the cornetto triology too i just love edgar hes such a great director. i like a lot of the marvel movies esp the spiderman hc and thor ragnorok and both gotg were p good. i love a lot of movies my brains just a void that sucks memories up into its fat gob and steals them from me forever.

what are your pastimes: sleeping, crying, used to be rping but i gave up on that, playing overwatch way too much and getting tilted because im shit, reading fanfictions did i say sleeping

do you have many regrets: dude. my guy. come in close. let me whisper in ur ear. are you close? no, closer. ok. 

YES

what is your dream job: whoo boy. im do indecisive and i think a LOT of jobs seem super cool that id never do i.e. be an actor or be in a band. my dream job since i was like 8 was to be a writer which is unlikely since i cant even finish a pwp oneshot. but thatd be cool. id also like to write plays and direct them but thats also wild and v dream > reality. 

would you like to get married: honestly. marriage as an institution? angers me. i dont like a lot of things about it. BUT. part of the reason i hate it is honestly if ur in a long long term relationship with someone ur better off married than not in terms of the benefits so. id happily get married if the other person wanted and/or we felt like it was the right thing to do, i just dont really care about being married or having a wedding tbh.

do you want kids? how many if so: no. hard pass. i might adopt if im long-term with someone who SUPER wants kids but that likely wont happen because i dont want to get into a long-term relationship with someone so desperate for kids since i dont have that same enthusiasm. sorry. ill be ur uncle gabe but im not having my own children im just not well equipped to literally have a full time job of making sure little idiots (meant affectionately) who dont know fuck from shit dont just straight up die. i can barely do that for myself.

how many countries have you visited: shit dude actually ive only visited like... uh... 4??? a lot of my holidays tend to be to the same countries (portugal/america) so i dont have that much experience like i feel like i do.

what was your scariest dream: hmmmm. when i was a kid i had these recurring dreams where i worked at this like. “zoo” where these MASSIVE, i mean ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE string rays that were also pancakes were like. hooked up to make electricity? anyway i hated the job because we all abused the rays super bad to make them generate the power and it sucked and it was all dystopian. there was stuff where like we had to kill the baby rays and stuff. anyway one day it went all planet of the apes and they broke out somehow and could fly and they killed loads of people and i had to go into hiding because they were super clever and could id who had worked at the zoo plant and wanted revenge. its super weird ik but this is pretty tame for my dreams they go HARD and BIZARRE and this one always made me wake up feeling super sick and scared idk. ur welcome.

do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other: no im lonely but its ok because i need to work on me 

put your playlist on shuffle and without skipping the first 15 songs: ok so i dont really have a “playlist” per se so im just gonna use my top 100 2017 songs on spotify which ignores a lot of my non-spotify non-2017 bangers but whatever.

1) ‘My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark’ by FOB

2) ‘Tuxford Fall’ - Vasudeva

3) ‘Our Lawyer Made Us Change The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn’t Get Sued’ - FOB

4) ‘Fried Noodles: Getter Remix’ - Pink Guy, Getter (listen ive never watched any filthy frank he weirds me out but this is a banger)

5) ‘Brick By Boring Brick’ - Paramore

6) ‘Thnks Fr Th Mmrs’ - FOB (i really dont listen to this much fob this is crazy)

7) ‘Death Note L’s Theme Goes Metal’ - Charlie Parra del Riego (theres no defence for this)

8) ‘Turnstile’ - Vasudeva

9) ‘Idle Worship’ - Paramore

10) ‘Monster’ - Paramore

11) ‘Miss Missing You’ - FOB

12) ‘The City’ - Madeon

13) ‘Far Too Young To Die’ - P!ATD

14) ‘Don’t Stop’ - Nothing More (really this is the band i listen to much smh these results are so skewed)

15) ‘Smile Like You Mean It’ - The Killers

[rkleedongminie]

When it rains... it pours...

tw self harm, panic disorder, self hate, child abuse mention, bullying, blood

tw child abuse self hate BACK DATED OCT 13TH  parents home - early morning 

he was skipping school and training for this. 

in retrospect, this was probably a huge mistake on his part. it’s been a month since he was last around either of his parents. two months since his father hit him, leaving him bruised for weeks. almost two months since his parents kicked him out. his mother giving him a look of pity as she told him it might be better for him not to come around. so he didn’t.

he didn’t go around. due to a mix of free for his father, and anger that his mother wouldn’t do anything for him. disappointment that she would kick him out rather than try and stop his husband. 

it’s quiet when he steps inside, he knows kyulkyung might be out on the town. and his father is supposed to be on a business trip. he always takes on this time of year, but it’s always alone. so his mother should be the only one home-- unless she’s at work. which, part of him is hoping she isn’t. part of him wants to see her. 

that part got its wish. 

“dongmin?” her soft voice, so similar to his own, comes floating from the end of the hallway by his bedroom where she just stepped out. they’re looking at each other. for the first time in almost too months. dongmin can feel all kinds of emotions floating around his head right now. 

confusion, hurt, anger, hope, love, fear

a heart beat passes and neither of them say anything. both of them waiting for the other to make a move. and dongmin doesn’t even know what he could say to her. doesn’t know what could be said from either of them to make up for the time lost. not just the last two months, but the last few years. all the time that she has ignored him, or yelled at him, or over looked his own feelings. 

“i...” she started, moving closer to him but pausing when he flinched away. a look mixed between hurt and understanding crossed her face. “i’ve been wanting to call you for a while, i just didn’t think you would want me too.” her tone help so much pain in it, and dongmin could tell she meant it. could tell she had really missed him, and that made his heart clench. he could still hear her voice the day she told him to get out. remember the lack of emotion, and how she hadn’t even hesitated. yet now she’s telling him this.

he can’t.. he can’t take this. 

without a word, he turns on his heel and leaves. 

tw panic disorder  BACKDATED OCT 18TH school building - Wednesday afternoon 

he had to leave the class. 

his thoughts were on a whirl wind right now, and have been since he left for school this morning. all he can think about is the debut casting. the boy group that sphere is going to have, the group he auditioned for with jaehyun and kibum.... the one that kibum made it onto. kibum is leaving. 

he’s so happy for his hyung. so proud of him for making it into the group. he knows that kibum deserves it and that he’s going to be really awesome in any group. sphere is super lucky to have him. so of course he supports this decision. kibum is leaving.

but it’s so weird to think that kibum isn’t going to be around anymore. he isn’t going to be there to eat lunch with. isn’t going to be there to make sure dongmin doesn’t stay late for training. isn’t going to read be forced to listen to dongmin whine about homework when he’s working during breaks. kibum is leaving me.

and he knows that this is just his mind making things hard for him. he’s aware that kibum isn’t leaving because of him... but... 

but what if he is. 

people lie. thats a thing people do often. his mother has lied all the time, to people he doesn’t know and to himself. she lied the last time they spoke. what else makes sense for that? she couldn’t be regretting kicking him out. taking the side of her husband ( because really, he can’t think of that man as a father anymore, not when he’s too fearful of the man ). people have been lying for ages. 

and it’s not like dongmin isn’t a problem child. 

he’s heard it before. people have told him that he’s annoying for crying, that he’s too heavy, that he a nerd for how much he studies. he’s been called all kinds of names, and so obviously... he just has to add burden to that. because why else would kibum leave? the sphere casting provides such a good cover. a good excuse. 

the thoughts just wont stop coming. and no matter how many times dongmin tells himself that it’s ridiculous, he can’t get them out of his head. his back presses against the cool walls of the empty classroom he took refuge in. sliding down until he was sitting on the floor with his head in his hands. silent sobs shaking his body.

he’s exhausted. emotionally, and physically. sure, he’s been telling everyone that he’s fine. he’s been putting up the front. but he hasn’t been okay since the incident with is father. he hasn’t felt like himself since then. he hates himself for this. hates how weak he is right now and that he just can’t get over it. why can’t he get over it? why is he so weak.. stop crying... stop crying.

the tears roll down his cheeks in quick succession, soaking his sleeves in the process. but no matter how many times he chants, the won’t stop. “please... i’m sorry..... i’ll be good.... i promise i’ll be good.... i’ll keep good grades... i’ll train extra hard....” his voice comes out in a broken and pained whisper, muffled in his sleeves. “please don’t leave me.... please don’t leave me alone.... im sorry.” he repeats it all over and over.. and over again. hoping that maybe something will come from it. crying until he has no more tears and is just dry sobbing into his arms. 

by the time he had himself under control again, his head was throbbing and the makeup he was using to cover his exhaustion had been rubbed off. but that’s nothing a quick stop in the bathroom can’t fix.

just have to reapply another mask. 

BACKDATED OCT 21TH  royal building - 2am 

he isn’t going home. 

it’s officially 2 hours into the first day of kibum not being a royal trainee. 

and he isn’t going home. 

tw self harm, blood  BACKDATED OCT 21TH royal building - mid afternoon 

he’s exhausted. 

even more so than he has been the last fee days. a mix of the fact he hasn’t slept yet, and that he hasn’t taken a break. no one can force him to stop either-- or... he doesn’t give them a chance to stop him. avoiding everyone as best he can, even jaehyun hyung. as much as it hurts him to avoid them ( and even though it seems like he doesn’t have to try with baekhyun, something that really hurts him ). 

he doesn’t need to see them and have them all make assumptions of his own health.

he’s fine. 

he’s fine. he’s fine. he’s fine. fine fine fine... 

during lunch, he slipped off to a bathroom, feeling his chest constricting when he dodged around jaehyun’s offer to eat together and darting away before the older male could say anything more. he can’t right now. he can’t stop moving, he can’t stop. 

the day has been going so very slowly, the first day without kibum hyung. the very thought about that makes his heart constrict painfully, and dongmin’s head is flooded with thoughts. mocking thoughts that cause tears to well in his eyes. he can’t focus on anything. 

it’s like he falls into automode. his body moving without his mind being aware of what he is doing. one moment he was all but running down the halls to an empty bathroom, the next he was silently crying on the tiled floor, clutching at his shoulder to stop the blood flow. the pain on his arm did enough to dull out the screaming in his mind.

enough so that he did it again.... and again.

he was careful with it, making sure it was just high enough that his sleeve would cover the marks at all times. he remembered hearing his parents say stuff about teenagers who harmed themselves. the negative image the had painted for dongmin. and he doesn’t want anyone else to know how far he has fallen. 

because he hasn’t.

he’s fine.

tw self harm mention, panic attack FORWARD SET NOV 1ST  home ( kibum’s apartment ) - 3:42 am

he woke up in a cold sweat. his breathing coming out in quick pants as he came down from the nightmare. eyes darting around the room as if his father would appear from the shadows. it took a moment, but he was able to get his heart rate down a little. reaching over to pick up his phone so he could check the time.

mistake. 

still open on his phone was the very cause of his nightmare. a innocent text message from his father. a simple sentence that set dongmin’s heart rate up once more, caused his breathing to pick up. a lump forming in his throat as he tried to keep back his tears. knowing he would wake up someone in the apartment if he was too loud. and thats the last thing he needed.

             [ message: you are expected to return home by the end of the month, or else ]

why. why why why. why is he messaging now? why does he want dongmin back in the house? so many questions he has that probably wont be answered. he couldn’t even bring himself to respond to the text. too afraid of what he might get back. there was no way he could move back in. no way at all. he can’t. he won’t.

it feels like something heavy is on his chest. his breathe coming in short bursts, as if he couldn’t get enough of it in his lungs. almost blindly, he gets out of bed and slides to the floor to find his backpack. his actions don’t even feel like his own.

like someone has taken control of his body and he’s only watching them from the sidelines. watching as the remove something from the pencil case in his backpack. feeling numb as his sleeve is rolled back, showing the still healing marks on his shoulder. 

feeling broken as more marks are added. 

at 4 am... when he is expected to be up soon to get ready for school.

dongmin silently cries. 

[missjackil]

The One Who Remembers

The first time Sam saw him, it was just after the Hell hallucinations started. It was only a glimpse, just out of site from his peripheral view, so he quickly forgot about it when he first encountered the memories of the meat hooks. Soon after, Sam would see him more clearly, sometimes standing, sometimes kneeling, and more often, just curled in the fetal position on the floor. Sam knew who he was, once he saw his bloody, broken face. It was himself, the one he met and killed when the wall in his head crumbled. It was the part of him who remembered Hell.  

After Cas shifted the pain to himself, Sam only saw him occasionally in dreams. Always looking the same, always speaking softly, telling Sam he wasn’t going to fight him, while the words weren’t spoken, Sam knew even as it happened, that he was pleading to die. To just let it be over. Sam remembered how badly he wanted to keep the memories locked away, but he more so wanted this part of him to stop suffering. This actually made killing him easier than killing his soulless self. Putting him down and out of his misery was the easiest kill Sam ever had. The dreams of him weren’t frequent, so Sam just wrote them off as any vivid nightmare he had acquired throughout his life, and never spoke of it or dwelled on  it much. However, for some reason, after the insane conditions over the last couple days, Lucifer himself was staying in Sam and Dean’s bunker. along with his Father, Chuck, and the dreams suddenly returned with a vengeance. They weren’t repeats of the normal dream, now his burnt, bloody, tortured self would scream in pain and terror, begging God for help, and Sam awoke in a cold sweat, shivering and nauseous, his throat raw as though he, himself, had been screaming. The bunker was dark and quiet. Dean had not burst through the door, gun in hand, as if reacting to Sam screaming in the night, so Sam was sure the screams weren’t audible. He went to the sink to splash water on his face, pausing to let a round of dry heaves work its way through his system, and he let the warm air of his room fill his now over exerted lungs until the shaking stopped. He needed a drink. Whether it would be a beer, a shot of Johnny Walker, or hot tea with honey and ginger, wouldn’t be decided till he got to the kitchen. Lucifer was locked safely in the dungeon, even though Chuck assured Sam and Dean that he was completely powerless and couldn’t harm them if he wanted to, they didn’t want to take any chances, Powerless or not, Sam knew he was there. He could feel him in the air, and could swear he could hear him taunting “Saaaam? Sammy? C’mon bunk buddy, hang out with me like we used to. Want to talk about old times? Hey! I know, how about a nice game of spin the  bottle? Maybe Twister? I promise I wont cheat this time HAHAHA!!”  Sam knew it was impossible, so he shoved the thought away and concentrated on the sound’s coming from Dean’s laptop in the war room. A basketball game. It must be a repeat since it was nearly 3am. This is good, he’ll watch videos with Dean and have a drink or 2 to calm his nerves. When he got to the war room, expecting to see his brother in the “dead guy” robe and about 6 beers into a good buzz, he saw Chuck instead. Maybe he would actually be better company right now. Sam knew he could talk to Chuck about anything, he always did, the only difference now was that he could see him face to face, and get an immediate response if he needed one. “Hey Sam!” Chuck said, just as Sam crossed the threshold into the war room. “You had a terrible dream didn’t you?” Chuck didnt even make eye contact, but slid a piping hot cup of tea in front of a chair next to him, encouraging Sam to sit for  a while. Sam smiled, and sat without hesitation “Yeah Chuck, I did” he took a sip and let it warm the ache in his throat “but I um, I dont think it was a dream.” Chuck shut the laptop and turned to Sam with full attention. “Want to tell me about it?”  Sam sipped again and cleared his throat. Maybe talking face to face with God was harder than he thought. A nervous smile came across Sam’s lips as he stared shyly into the cup of tea, as if it held more answers than the Creator of the Universe that sat beside him. “I know you know I spent time… downstairs. In Hell. In Lucifer’s cage.” Chuck nodded, “And you’re anxious because Lucifer is here? I can’t make you trust me Sam, that’s a choice all your own, but I promise you he can’t….” “No no no, Chuck, its not that” Sam cut off “I trust you, I do… i always have, but Ive been well, seeing things.” Chuck sat straight, drawing just a little closer into Sam’s space, nearly forcing him to make eye contact. Sam’s shoulder’s dropped, in reverent surrender. “When the wall crumbled, I went unconscious, and I couldn’t wake up until I killed my symbolic pieces, and absorbed their memories. Of things I’d done when I had no soul, and ummm everything that happened in Hell.” Sam swallowed hard and broke eye contact with Chuck, but Chuck stayed focused. “Tell me what that was like” Sam shifted in his chair and rubbed his face. “It was hard, sort of. I literally had to kill myself, twice. Just so I could put myself back together. But, my last piece, the piece that remembered Hell.. it wasn’t hard to put him down. He wanted it. I hurt for him so bad, that it felt merciful to me, to put him out of his misery. But now, I saw him in my dream, screaming, and begging for help. Begging YOU for help.”  Sam’s throat grew tight. He wasn’t sure if it was anger, or grief, or just plain sadness. His eyes welled, and he tried for a moment to hold the tears back, but he couldn’t help it. “I guess I don’t understand why you didn’t help, is what I’m saying.”  Chuck sat back and crossed his arms. “I did help Sam. I put Cas back together and gave him the power to pull you out. I can’t honestly tell you why your soul was left behind, that’s something you need to ask Cas about, but I steered your brother in the direction to get your soul out and told Death to help him. I still give all of you free will, so I put my hands in much more with you guys than I have for anyone for thousands of years, the time it took you all to figure out the right paths were on the three of you.” Sam was speechless. Half happy to have some blanks filled in, but half mortified that he may have offended God to his face. He looked up at Chuck “Im sorry, I spoke out of turn, I didn’t mean to accuse you of….” Chuck held a hand up for Sam to stop apologizing. “It’s okay Sam, really. Ive heard worse from the Archangels. I want to know what has you worried right now.” Worried. Is that what this was? Yes…. Yes! Sam realized for the first time, he wasn’t scared, or grieving, he was worried. “Im worried Chuck…. that I made the wrong call with him, or me as it was.”  Another tear rolled down Sam’s cheek. He sniffed and wiped his face again. “Im worried I shouldn’t have killed him. Maybe I could have helped him.” Guilt flooded over Sam like a dam broke in his soul. He didn’t put this part of himself out of his misery, he just ended it. The pain may not be increasing, but it wasn’t gone. It was like taking someone out of a fire but not helping them with the burns. He knew now that his soul didn’t simply need to be brought out of Hell, it needed to heal. Something he was never able to do. Was it even possible? Where would someone even begin to heal themselves after centuries of brutal torture? Sam buried his face in his hands. How did he miss it? He was always the first one to see if a victim needed help after a possession or a monster attack. He would make sure they got to a Doctor if they needed one, or he would recommend they find someone to talk to, and would offer his own phone number if they felt he could help. But somehow, with himself, he didn’t even bother. He would think “I’m alive, I look and feel healthy, I love, and I am loved. I can still help other people, so I’m just fine. A lot of people have it worse.” Chuck let Sam cry for a while. He knew it was luxury Sam rarely gave to himself, and not even once had he cried about the pain he had suffered in Hell, once he was out and intact. It wasn’t until Sam spoke through his sobs “Im so sorry, it was my fault. I could have helped but I didn’t. I was selfish wanting to come back so fast.” Chuck grabbed Sam’s hands roughly. “Now Sam, STOP! It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know then. You didn’t know you would get through it alive, let alone be capable of healing yourself.” Sam met Chuck’s eyes again “What can I do now?” Chuck smiled “Whatever you want. What would you like to do?” Sam thought for a moment. “I want to go back. Can I go back and talk to him, or umm me again?”  Chuck winked and touched Sam’s forehead. Instantly, Sam was out. Once again, Sam entered the room. It was Bobby’s house. Dark and only lit by candles. White sheets draped over the furniture. Sam could even smell the Old Spice and whiskey like he did that day he first met him. The only difference now was that Sam was 5 years older, and completely unarmed. He knew he was there, his bloody, broken self. He could smell him. Burnt flesh, singed hair, dried blood, sweat, and fear. Not strong enough to overwhelm him, but just enough that the memories came back to the front of his mind in detail. A smell that was around himself for 180 years.  Sam walked cautiously through the room, remembering this part of himself had a blade. He was pretty sure he wouldn’t use it, but still mildly regretted coming unarmed. Then he saw him, once again sitting at the table with his head down and hair hanging in matted strands over his face. “Hey, um Sam? It’s me, or, us, the living part.” Sam could see in the candle light, this figure stand up. “Why are you here?” Sam held up his hands to show him he had no weapon, and said “I need to talk to you. I want to help.” He could see himself walking around the table towards him. His face was more visible, but barely recognizable. When finally stood within inches, he lowered his head as if a last effort to hide the pain from this older, (yet younger) healthy man in front of him. “You can’t help me Sam. Just kill me, put me out of my misery” “No, that’s where we were wrong the first time.” Sam reached out and touched him on the shoulder, but the weakened, damaged man flinched against his touch. It must have hurt him, or maybe he didn’t know touching doesn’t have to hurt. “Im sorry” Sam said while pulling his hand away. “Here, come sit.” They both sat after Sam adjusted the sheet over the couch to be more comfortable. “I can help you okay? I don’t need to kill you to stop the suffering, I need to heal you. Then I can be whole again, and you, and I, will heal. Will you trust me?” “What choice do I have?” Things began to be more clear now. This poor, mangled creature thought he had no choice but accept whatever pain or grief was bestowed on him. As something he couldn’t control or maybe even felt he deserved. Now Sam knew where to start. “First off I want you to know we made it. We made it out alive, and though there were some really rough patches, things got better. WE got better.” Broken Sam let his eyes look over himself 5 years after their first meeting “Yeah, Id say you look a lot better than I do.” And Sam could see a hint of a smile on his lips. Sam couldn’t help but smile himself. he’d have to admit that he was actually pretty pleased with his body at 32 years old. He attributed that to eating healthy when he could but never denying himself pizza or a juicy cheeseburger when he wanted them. He hadn’t had so much as a cold in 5 years, not counting the side effects from The Trials. “We, or I, have made so many choices in my life, that have brought me to where I am now. There’s been some very poor ones, sometimes people got hurt, people I love and care about, but some were very good choices, and saved a lot of people, though, the most important one, where we somehow saved the world, is the one that actually got us here, where we both are right now. “ Sam could see the guilt come across the face of his tortured self. “So, this, is our fault right?” Sam thought for a moment, thats not what he was trying to say at all “No, this wasnt our fault. We broke Lucifer out of his cage, yes, that was a very bad choice, but saving the world afterward was not. That was the best choice. What Lucifer did to us, was HIS doing. Not ours. His choices and his alone.” At that Sam saw it. A light shine behind tortured Sam’s eyes, and he could see his skin begin to regain color. This is where the healing starts! “Touch me!” Sam said placing the hand of his broken soul on his heart. He looked confused. “See?!” Sam said, with a new found excitement “I’m alive, and healthy, WE are out, WE survived. Can you feel it?” Sam could see that he could. He could feel his heart, pounding away in his chest as it made more light come from behind battered Sam’s eyes. Sam watched him take in a few long deep breaths, as though he hadn’t breathed in ages and it brought more color to his skin, as streaks like faded claw marks began to disappear from his arms. “I can feel it” he said finally. “I can breathe and it doesn’t burn! It doesn’t hurt, or stink, it feels…. good” He said with an actual smile. A smile of sheer relief, and Sam could see himself 5 years ago begin to emerge from under the scars. “This is good!” Sam felt his skin become tingly and static charged. He was surprised he couldn’t hear it. “Now, keep breathing, keep filling your lungs with air and know that it’s life okay? We lived, we are alive. We aren’t perfect by a long shot, but we do good. He tried to destroy us but he didnt. We can still fight for whats right, and still love and be loved back!” Sam’s tortured soul was clearly recognizable as himself at 27 when he overpowered the Devil himself and jumped into the pit, but something in his face was wrong. Something still unrecognizable. “ What’s the matter? Did I hurt you?” “No” he said “I just dont remember what love is. What it feels like.”  Sam felt his heart break. Even through the worst parts of his life, even when he thought he hated Dean or his father,  or even his mother once or twice, for bringing the hunter’s life into the family, he knew he never stopped loving them. Even more recently when he and Dean had nearly killed each other on a couple occasions, he loved his brother, and even when Dean was a demon, he knew deep inside he loved him and that would be the real reason he came back, but this poor boy, just spent 180 yrs of furious hate and violence, that it managed to erase love from his memory. “I can show you. Will you let me?”  “Yes.” Sam had to admit to himself that this was probably the strangest experience of his life, and that was a pretty high bar, but it felt right. It felt like the only way this part of his soul would finally feel peace. “Can I touch you?” He asked “Yes, just please don’t hurt me.” A twinge of pain hit Sam in the heart, but he could honestly answer “I promise I wont. And you can stop me at any time.” A trusting nod was returned. “Love feels like this.” Sam said, as he touched his hair. No longer matted and blood stained. Soft and smooth, his right hand cupping his jaw which until a few minutes ago was smeared with blood. Sam felt this piece of him becoming warm under his touch. Placing a hand around Sam’s wrist as if to close a connection and maybe even to feel as though he could pull away if he wanted to. But he didnt. Sam moved in closer to him, and just wrapped his long strong arms around him. Pulling him into his chest and resting his chin atop his head. “This is what safety feels like.”  Both Sams were silent. Sam didn’t rush anything. They literally had all the time in the world, and he would give himself whatever he needed. From the way he felt him, as he finally wrapped his arms around Sam’s back, he knew this was something he needed, and he kissed the top of his head, closed his eyes and smiled. “Are we okay?” Sam asked after several minutes of silence. “I think so.” He answered “But, how can I be sure you’re real and not one of Lucifer’s tricks?” Sam was stumped for a minute. He remembered this feeling all too well when he had a hard time determining what was real and what was a hallucination. He remembered what Dean had told him about Hell, and how the pain was different. Feeling the pain from the real world helped him focus more on what was real, but he couldnt possibly cause this man any more pain. Then Sam remembered that sometimes Lucifer would trick him with pleasure. Making him think for a moment he felt good and then he would instantaneously be hanging from hooks in his face. That pleasure he felt though, was different than pleasure topside. It was more like a drug induced pleasure, than a real human feeling. He could show his soul real pleasure. “I remember the tricks he played to make me think I was happy for a moment and then steal it away from me. It felt real in the moment, but it felt superficial, only on the surface. It didn’t feel like this.” Sam  pulled back away, just far enough to look into his eyes. To connect with him on level that they would both feel on the inside. He held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes until he saw life begin to sparkle in them. It may have been enhanced by the surrounding candle light, but they burned with hope. Sam closed his own eyes and pressed his lips to his temple, along his ear and to his lips. Soft with closed mouth, he stayed for just a second or two before he felt those other lips part and invite his tongue inside. It was beautiful. Sam couldnt deny it. It might have been the best kiss hes ever given or received  and he knew his counterpart felt it too. They were connected now, and everything one felt, so did the other. It was more than intense, it was epic. Sam could tell by each touch what he needed, what he craved and feelings of true, honest, pure pleasure grew like vines from the soles of his feet to the hair on his head. They both needed to feel each others bare skin surround them. Sam wasnt exactly sure how or when their clothes wound up in a pile on the floor, but it was a dream right? No, he was sure he wasn’t in the real world, but this was definitely something real. Sam laid along side himself at 27. Admired his own body even then. strong, muscular, maybe a little less hair in some places, and maybe a little more in others, but for the first time in his life, he realized he is beautiful. Not just attractive, or a 7 and a half, but actually beautiful. He let his hands and lips explore himself, as he also returned the admiration of his future body. It was confusing, but amazing at the same time. He wanted nothing more than to make love to him, himself. And he did. Everything one felt, so did the other, so every movement was perfectly in line. When slowing down was best, when speeding up was better, and when they came simultaneously, it was nothing less than perfect. He felt everything in his body and soul release pressure like a volcano, and then it was calm. Both Sams were silent. Sam awoke in his room. Sore and exhausted, but peaceful. He felt like he had slept for 3 days but the clock on his phone said just 7 hours. He was thirsty and starving, but was happy to smell bacon and pancakes cooking. Maybe it was a dream after all? He didn’t think so, he really felt like the healing actually began and a great weight was lifted off his shoulders. He made a promise to himself that whenever he felt that pain well up in his soul again, he would go back and visit his new friend. The most important person he’s saved yet to date… Himself.

[inaleatherjournal]

Late at Night

(( A friend of mine have been doing Sunguard’s writing prompts and Ive been wanting to for a long time to write out this one for Vinnie. Im not in the guild, but I sure enjoy reading character stories from their page! )) A quill scratched across parchment, leaving behind graceful loops and swirls of words in its wake as Vinnie sat hunched under single floating bauble in darkened bedroom. Quiet snores of Mandulus could be heard from behind him. It was spur of moment borne from a conversation earlier with his husband about Dalheim and danger of his service to Silvermoon that all but reminded Vinnie of their ever presenting mortality. With a heavy sigh he finished his instruction to select firm who would be handling his will. “I, Vynistus Reynald D’Anastasis-Kazeral...” Vinnie winced at his full name, too pompous sounding, but such is required for formal notary. “Give full permission and responsibility to this firm to hold listed items until the time of my death. When I have passed, the firm shall have my permission to read and execute contents of my will to proper recipients. If at the time certain recipient  is found to be deceased, the letters and intended items shall go to my husband, Mandulus Alexsander Asadorian Kazeral the Third to do as he sees fit. Within envelope will be eleven letters to be personally read by person bearing names on each slip. My body is to be left in my husband’s, Mandulus, care and discretion. If at the time of my death I am separated from home, Dalheim Windchaser have full responsibility of returning me home. I also personally request this verbal message be delivered by the firm to one, Nauhil Kael Aranstus. - You get nothing you son of a bitch. Signed, Vinnie Kazeral” The bespectacled blond then blew on paper until the ink were dry enough and shuffled it into a folder along with list of items the firm would hold. The formal notary would have to be read and agreed upon with his executor soon as he brought what could be stored away in the vault. Then solemnly, with air of heaviness, he tucked each sealed letters into folders. It was emotionally and mentally draining to write every single one of them and he felt more tired than usual.

________________ Mandulus, @xxcrimsondreamerxx My light and my rock. In the envelope I leave you the key to my Father’s old estate, its coordinate and a vial. It is in shambles, worthless and ruined, but there are a vault holding many treasured possession that have passed through generations of my family. Do as you deem appropriate with them, there are fair number of things I believe our children would benefit from. I know I hardly talk about my family. What I never told you is that my Father valued bloodline more than anything else, while he placed bounty on me, he never ceased his hope that I, the black sheep, would return. With Solaris and Cernus, I am no longer the last of my line. Everything is warded to ensure only descendants of Remistus D’Anastasis may pass, but the spell might have worn down over years. Take the vial just in case, it holds my blood and is enchanted so you too, may enter. You’ve given me something far better than I dreamed, a good home within your arms, wonderful children, and a lifetime of loving you. With life I’ve led, I’ve always known that one day fate will come to take me away and knowing you… Please, my Love, dont despair. Take peace that while death may have physically separated us and my spot in bed next to you will be empty when you wake up to morning’s dawn. I will be with you in your heart and soul. Then when your time comes, we will be together again. By the light of the sun - eternally yours, Vynistus _______________ Dal, @dalheim / @bracelet00 My heart, my love, I give you my share of Fae’s Rest. It is only fitting that you own part of the Inn as I have and know you will always have a home away from home and a place in my family. In envelope you’ll find estate’s documents with your name on it, it will only need your signature. There are no words to describe my love and devotion for you. You’ve been my everything, as are Mandulus and Chiryn. My heart hurts as I write this, knowing that when you read this, I’ll be gone and it’s unfair as there’s nothing more I want than to spend an eternity with you. If there’s an after-death, I will be waiting for you. Yours always, Vinnie _____________ Alex,

My son, I leave you my journals and notebooks of my work. While I know your interest lies elsewhere, it holds many secrets you might find useful and skills to add to your repository of knowledge. I trust you will know what to do with it. You are turning into a fine mage. I am proud to call you my son and fortune had me lucky that I could be your parent. I may not be physically here to watch you turn into an exceptionally talented young man I know you will be, I will be with you. Please look after Daddy, he’s strong, but he wont be taking the news of my death well. Love,

Papa _______________ Asher,

My niece, I leave you Steel and her foal. Talbuks are loyal and fierce. Within their heart is need to run wild and roam, much like you.  May Steel and her children carry you far around Azeroth and beyond and be secure in knowing where ever you go, I will be with you. Ive never told you this, but your father and I are related. I know you will be angry over having been denied this knowledge earlier on, but know this - I wanted you to have a choice and when you choose to accept me as your Uncle, it was one of happiest day of my life. Thank you. Love,

your Uncle Vinnie ______________ Solaris and Cerenus,

My sons, I leave you my daggers. Krey’theis for Solaris and Tarum for Cerenus. They have served me well and their blades do not dull easily. Take them to a mage in Silvermoon and as you are my blood, they will know what to do to have it bonded to you. Having you two were best thing that had happened to me, Mama Keke, and Mandulus. I have watched you take your first steps, your first escape from Mama Keke’s pen, watched you two speak secret language only twins can understand, and grow quickly into pair of trouble makers. I could not be prouder or more fortunate to be your father. Please look after Mama Keke and may Krey’theis and Tarum protect you on your journey. Love,

Papa _____________ Arielle Dalheim,

My beautiful daughter. I leave you charmed protection brooch belonging to my sister. You were named after her and she was beautiful and headstrong just like you. You also have been given Dalheim’s name, bravest, most loyal elf I’ve come to know and I know you too, will grow to be strong and fierce as he is.  I leave as well a voice recording and photo so that as you grow, you’ll remember what I sound and look like and know that while I couldnt stay, I love you. Love,

Papa __________ Mama Keke, @the-flannel I’ve thought long and hard on what I could leave you, but couldnt come up with something you already have. We’ve shared bed, shared home, and you’ve carried my children, and done so much for me. I am forever in your debt. You’re of strong heart, strong will and I know you will go far in life. When time comes and all children have grown up, and you feel the itch to walk the land - Under floor board of seventh steps to the top floor of the Inn, there’s a precious stone that will call my old companion over. He will keep you company. Love,

Vinnie ___________ Kio, My good friend and lover. The forge have always been yours, but I leave you my tools, maps, and notes on good ore veins. I know you will make good use of it and may it bring fortune to you. We havent always been on best of terms, but know that I hold you to highest esteem and value your friendship more than anything. Thank you for being steadfast friend, always being there for me even when I have been distant. I do have favors to ask of you. Whenever chance you have, please have Dalheim’s back. He is loyal to a fault to his cause and I worry. And keep watch over Mandulus, he hasnt lived his life to fullest yet and I will be most disappointed if he spends it wallowing or hurries after me. Love, Vinnie __________ Chiryn, @meeshay

The apple of my eye and stealer of my heart.  I leave you a key to my safe in Silvermoon and my jewelry tool kit. I know you have a set of your own, but perhaps, you’ll know of someone who’ll put it to good use, someone as talented as you are. The safe holds my collections of gems and it would be a shame to let them gather dust. I expect you with your skill make good use of my gems and create many beautiful things to grace Azeroth. You’ve filled my life with joy and laughter and I am forever fortunate to have loved you. My only regret were letting you go. Know this as you journey through your life without me, I will be with you, if only in your heart and soul. Always yours, Vinnie ______________ Falothemier They’Aran,

Chunky. My oldest, most cherished companion. As arrogant as we Sin’dorei come off, we cannot live forever. I fear this is something you will learn far too soon as your kind have tendency to outlive. I leave you my most precious gem, a heart. I believe you will know what to do with it. Please watch over my family. I have given Ke’edil the stone you’ve given me and he certainly will feed you many cupcakes. May you grow old and wise, I will always be with you. Vinnie ____________ Bal and Riandis, My good friends. You both have been through best and worst time with my family.  I am always grateful and fortunate to have known you both. Within envelope will be a check for a hundred thousand gold to be put in your name. Make good use of the money, finish the garden, fix up the house, and get that wedding you both want. With all my love,

Vinnie

______________ The blond sniffled softly and sucked in through his nose sharply, not the one to cry as he folded folder’s flap intending to secure everything within. Then stopped. He wasnt quite done. Snatching another plain parchment, he dipped his quill and quickly scribbled another letter, blew on it, and folded it to tuck in with all other letters with a touch of wryness to corners of his lip.

“Nauhil, For fuck’s sake. Go be a proper father to Asher or I’ll haunt your sorry ass till the sun goes nova. Show this letter to Dalheim so he knows you have my permission, otherwise he’ll shoot you. Vinnie” END

[yamlog]

today i allowed myself to take a good hard look at the rows of photos i have buried at the bottom of my feed and i made sure to focus my eyes, not let them blur and glaze over his face. i really looked at him. i looked at the way the light hit the cheekbones i really loved, i looked at the curve of his eyelids, i looked at the hint of ribcage beneath his tshirt. i think i had to, because seeing how mj is avoiding-but-not-avoiding her ex is making me understand that avoiding is not the way to go. her heartbreak is fresh, not even a month, but in many ways i am still behaving like her. i don’t listen to good advice and i avoid and avoid the source of pain. i think that by locking up and burying photos of him that i took when i was in love, i can grow out of it. but of course i am wrong, again, as usual, because even now when i stare at his face in the photos, knowing full well that i can never see this again in real life (he might as well be dead and cremated) i feel an ache. a real ache, not a metaphorical one. my chest literally twinges inside as if something’s twisting. and it gets hard to breathe. meanwhile all i can think about is how much i like what i am seeing and how sad it makes me to never reach it again. what is wrong with me though like seriously is this an imprint? did i grow some kind of dysfunctional neural pathway in the short time i was with him? it’s like programming i cannot change, what the fuck. at this rate, i wish i could turn blind so i will never have to see his face again or feel tempted to look at photos. but that’s silly, bc i need my eyes to earn a living. so i guess the next best thing would be to wish he really was dead so i can cry at his urn at the crematorium every week until i have properly mourned and can move on. i feel like a zombie. or maybe he is the zombie, neither here in my present reality nor there in a past that can be said to no longer exist. or maybe my heart is the zombie. or maybe my feelings for him is the zombie. aiya this is a difficult metaphor to wrap my head around. bottomline is, i’m pretty sure i still love him. i’d go back to him in a heartbeat. but he’s gone. dead, figuratively. i dont think i am living in the past because i am really making an effort to be here in the present and be here for all my friends who need me sometimes. but i have brought my feelings with me. they’re not “past feelings” they are PRESENT FEELINGS. right here and right now i still have living feelings. for a dead person. so what does that make me? stupid?? probably. maybe i should enforce a rule whereby i make myself stare at photos of him until the pain subsides. like cutting yourself until the nerves in your skin are so damaged and scarred over you no longer feel pain. i don’t know how long i can distract myself by going along with everyone else’s pace and physically doing the things to “move on” when in reality thinking about him still makes my nose sting and my eyes water. but he doesnt exist!!!!!! he cannot. so much time had elapsed it is so unlikely he has remained the same. employment, politics, interactions with others, maybe even new lovers must have reshaped him somehow. the person i love is probably not there anymore, or he’s been melted down and recast into a different form that i will not recognise.

i wish he wanted to meet me, and cared to see what kind of person i have become after all this. i miss him every single day. i still think about him every single night. sometimes i catch myself about to say his name and i have to close my throat before i utter and commit the atrocious act. i don’t dare find his socials because i’m terrified of what i might see. im afraid i’ll go to the cinema with mj next week, 2 heartbroken girls, and run into him holding hands with a woman i don’t recognise. i dont know how i’ll handle that. i may fling myself over the bannister of the spiral staircase and end my miserable existence on the spot. maybe i’ll take out a knife and slit my wrists on the spot so i can bleed to death with my eyes fixed on him and leave earth looking at the person i love most. on some level i do hope he has found happiness and is capable of making someone happy in a sustainable way that doesn’t put a strain on his career too much, but a big part of me still wishes i could be that person. it’s so pathetic to admit that i still wish and wish and wish i could be the recipient of his love. isn’t it so stupid to pine for treatment i won’t receive? why cant i be happy with someone else giving me double? a serious question. why does it have to be him? if only i could email god to ask.

if i do reach my deadline without being able to find happiness elsewhere and i do fling myself off some building or another, i dont think i’d like to be a ghost haunting and cursing him for all eternity anymore. i much rather there be no afterlife. no women living in banana trees. no vengeance, no reincarnation, nothing. i just want to stop existing and stop being conscious or anything. i want to disintegrate and take all my hurt and futile desire with me. no more boundaries no more self no more singularity. it would be so blissful to just dissolve and leave the fabric of existence and no longer think of him because there will no longer be a “him” because there will no longer be a “me” who “thinks.”

i wonder if he thinks of me still. i wonder what he thinks of, of him in relation to me, of me in relation to him, of me like this, of the suffering he MUST know he has caused. i dont think ive been the same person since october. it’s not like a simple apology can patch up a hole. i forgive, but the wound doesnt disappear with forgiveness. i forgive the stake in the heart because at my core i love love love love him, but the stake is still lodged in there. and i can’t die. not yet, at least. i dont think he knows the extent of the damage done. i still have nightmares every single night. i can’t remember the last time i had a good dream. i consider myself lucky when i wake up and immediately forget 95% of my bad dreams. i am so busy everyday but when im asleep i can’t manifest happiness. it’s all violence, and hatred, and meeting spectres from my past, and decay and weeping and pain. sometimes i feel the pain in my body itself. phantom and ungrounded but pain demands to be felt. i can’t just Wish it away.

i no longer believe in the possibility of miracles. but i still believe in a divine plan. if i am still unable to kill my love for him, there must be a reason. a good reason. maybe my ache makes me the friend my friends need when they get dumped. maybe i will be led by my pain to decide to join some event or cause, even if as a means of distracting myself, and end up meeting someone who really needs my support and friendship. maybe i can contribute to society in a way that i wouldnt be able to if i were perfectly happy. i like to believe that there is a purpose behind everything, even failure. and im not naive enough to think that the reason god has allowed to me suffer is because he will bring deliverance and turn a stone-cold heart back towards me. life isn’t a storybook. he won’t come back, and he won’t love me again. it’s fine. it’s fine if my continued misery could serve a greater purpose SOMEHOW. let me save one person. let me have the wells of empathy needed to say the right thing at the right time and improve someone else’s life. i cannot live like this with just myself and no contribution to the nett happiness of the world.

i did a tarot card reading for SH today, she visited my cats and we had lunch and talked about books. despite what happened at the start of the year ive found it in my heart to forgive and reconcile and take the first step in repairing our friendship. ive readjusted my expectations so i wont feel betrayed or letdown again in the future. and i recognise that she needs me more than i need her, which is a good enough reason to stay. pride is stupid. i decided years ago that i will not let pride get in the way. even if he thought i was pathetic. i dont care. love IS pathetic. my only regret was running away from him that day because i didnt want him to see me cry again. not because of pride but because i didn’t want to burden him even more. he would have been late for dance if i had allowed myself to stand there and cry. but maybe i should have. so now i will just put myself out there and move past friendship-level hurts. the reading was eerily accurate, even down to her sun sign. and extremely extremely apt for her because she’s starting uni soon and everything on the cards aligned. she jokingly said i was a witch. i only wish i was a real one so i can do Something, Anything.

[writingsofthemoonchild]

Luna's POV

I woke up smiling for a change. Today is my birthday. I turned 12 at one in the morning. I stayed laying on the couch for a while thinking about the day and every possible thing that could happen but wont happen. The next thing I know a pillow is thrown at my face.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!" Devin shouts. I groan and roll over, nuzzling my face into my Ronnie Radke pillow.

"Come on! Your family will be here in an hour and i want to swim before the girls get here!" They whined shaking my shoulder.

"But i wanna sleeeep! Its my birthday let me sleep." I dragged out the 'e' in sleep like a child.

"No! Lets swim. That should wake you up."

"Ill only get up if my cousin Sev is will be here. Which he wont, cause he's in the UK."

"You never know, Darian." I snorted unladylike like. But who cares, Im never lady like.

"Saying he will be here is like saying Ronnie Radke or Motionless in White will show up." I rolled over and looked at my only friend seriously.

"Please Darian. Once the girls get here, we wont be able to swim just us two and we will be forced to play with them." I sighed looking at the ceiling . Tears threatened to show as i thought about my cousin Severus. He hasn't come to visit since i was 7. I missed him dearly.  The small cloak he got me when i was 5, is way too small. It hangs up on the corner of my mirror next to my signed Alternative press bag. The bag was signed by Nick Major when i met him.

I threw back my blanket and sat up. Devin grabbed their swim trunks and muscle tank before running into the bathroom. I stretched looking at one of my dogs.

"Teddy, why hasn't he come to visit? Did he forget about me? He hasn't even written or nothing!"  I leaned down and hugged the small furry animal. HE squirmed underneath my face trying to lick me. Laughing, i sat back up. My mom walked into the house from outside.

"Oh good your awake. If you want to swim before anyone gets here, get going. Make sure anything you don't want the girls messing with is hidden or put up." She said stirring something on the stove.

"What are we having?" I asked walking into the kitchen.

"beer brats and burgers." I nodded and walked back into the living room as Devin came out of the bathroom.

"Leggo Darian!" I smiled slightly before walking into the bathroom with my clothes. I quickly changed before walking outside. Devin was already in the pool, adjusting to the cold water.

"The water feels amazing. Its not cold at all!" Devin shouted to me. I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah right. We just filled it up two days ago." I set down my towel and glasses before throwing my black hair up into a bun.  I ave always wondered how i had been born with black hair. Whenever i asked my mom said she had deep brown almost black hair, like my dad's. But i wouldn't know if she is telling the truth or not cause she dyes it blondish brown. My older brother has light brown hair which raises my suspicions even more. I started up the pool ladder, watching my slight reflection in the water.

I have always felt like an outsider in my family. The only person i didn't feel like an outsider with is my cousin Sev. I was splashed out of my thoughts, literally, when Devin splashed me. I gasped at the cold water.

"Hey!" I splashed water back.

"You bitch!"

"I'm not a bitch. I'm a witch." I smirked at them as they glared.

"Shut up." Devin took a deep breath before going under. Letting my hair down, i decided to join them. I put the band around my wrist before breathing in. I jumped a bit, curling my feet in so i was sitting criss-cross. The cold water flushed against my skin as i sank.  The coldness licked my skin as i pushed my self back up. I gasped in air as i resurfaced.

"THAT'S FREEZING!" I shouted hugging myself. Devin laughed. We messed around, talked, thought of what we would do if a band walked into the yard. Soon we heard doors closing and little girl voices. I quickly got out and put all of the nice floaties, we didn't want to be popped, into the garage by my moms car. I quickly shut the door that led into that side, so if they did come in they couldn't see the floaties. My two twin cousins came running up to the gate in their swim suits.

"Darian! Devin!" they screeched. I smiled slightly. I got back into the pool as they came running in. They said hi to my mom before running over to the pool. Let the party begin.

An hour later, everyone arrived and food was just finishing when the gate opened. I ignored it not really paying attention. All of the adults stopped talking. They stared at the gate. Devin looked over confused.

"Darian, whose that?" I spun around. As my eyes focused on the person, i gasped.

"SEV!" I scream rushing out of the pool. He smiled at me. I ran over but stopped abruptly in front of him. I was soaking wet and didn't want to get his clothes wet from a hug. He rolled his eyes and pulled me into his chest. Automatically my arms went around him. I felt him nuzzle his nose into my hair.

"Ive missed you so so so so so so much, Sev. You have no clue. " I pressed my face into his chest. He kissed my head.

"Ive missed you so much, too. Im so sorry i didn't write to you. l have multiple letters explaining why i couldn't come visit again but all of them sucked. I thought you would hate me. But i have one letter, i wanted to personally deliver."

"Severus, no. Dan and I told you we didn't want her going." My mom said walking up behind me. I pulled away and looked at her confused.

"Going where?"

"Hogwarts. The school i teach at." My mouth dropped.

"WHY CANT I GO?"

"You don't need to go. We raised you as a muggle and you are going to say that way."

"What do you mean stay that way? Just because you raised me as a muggle doesn't mean i am one. I'm a witch! I should be able to learn about magic!" I said lowering my voice as i spoke. I was furious. Sev simply pulled out a letter from his cloak pocket. He handed it to me. I looked at the wax seal.

"Flip it around to find out more information." Sev said calmly. My moms eyes widened.

"Don't!"  I flipped it around quickly and turned around so she couldn't take it from me.

Miss. Luna Snape

The biggest room in her cousin's house

I stopped reading. Tears rushed to my eyes.

"What is the meaning of this? Who is Luna Snape?" I spoke loudly. Everyone stared. My mom, if she is even my mom, looked down.

"Darian, your real name is Luna Crow Snape. I am your biological father. When you were a baby, i had given you to Laura to raise as i was unable too. She is your cousin, not me." I stared at the both of them in shock. His words slowly digesting. As each second passed, more and more tears rose up and pooled in my eyes.

"is this true?" I whispered. Laura nodded. "WHY DID YOU CHANGE MY NAME AND NOT TELL ME SEVERUS, WAS MY FATHER?" Silence. "TELL ME please..." I lowered my voice at  the end.

"its not safe for you. We even almost didn't tell you that you are a witch. We hoped if you didn't know, you would stay here with us. You thought if you knew he was your father and knew you were a witch, you would want to go to the UK." Tears rolled down my face. I stared at the ground thinking. Silence consumed everyone once more.  My body shook as i tried to hold back a sob. I thought no one notice, but i was wrong. Sev walked over and engulfed me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around his neck and cried. I sobbed like a baby. He held me as i cried. No one spoke. The only thing you could hear was my sobs.

Now everything made sense. Why i had black hair. Why i felt to close to Sev and no one else in my family. Why i didn't look like my "parents". These thoughts running threw my head made me cry even harder. Severus bent down a bit and wrapped an arm around my thighs before lifting me up. I wrapped my legs around him so he could walk easier. He carried me into the house and to the living room. No one dared to follow. He sat down and put me on his lap.

"Shhh. Its okay. Let it all out." He soothed petting my hair. I gripped his shirt in my fists. After a few more minutes of crying, my sobs turned into hiccups. I sat back and wiped my eyes. Sev smiled small at me. I sniffled.

"Sorry for crying on you." I croaked.

"No worries."

"Do you regret giving me a way? Or are you happy you did?" i asked softly. He frowned.

"Look at it this way. If i would have kept you, you would have never had the memories you have. You never would have made the friends you have made. You would have been stuck with a stranger for most of the year while i was teaching. You wouldn't have had the life you have had. But yes, i deeply regret giving you a way. I cried every night after Laura took you." He moved a piece of hair behind my ear. "I have tried to get you back before. They refused. I tried to at least have them tell you everything but they wouldn't have it. I want to be able to spend more time with. Get to know more about you." I smiled at him before snuggling back into his chest. My head resting on his shoulder.

"I understand. I want to get to know you more also. You are the only person out of all of my family here, i feel i fit in with. I've felt like an outsider my entire life. The two events that you were at, are the only ones i felt that i felt like i belonged there." We sat in silence for a few moments, just bathing in the moment.

"We should head back outside." I nodded standing up. Sev stood up. I quickly hugged him. My father.

He quickly hugged me back. Then we headed back outside. Everyone stopped their conversations. Devin smiled sadly at me from inside the pool. I smiled widely back. They raised an eyebrow.

"Just it time. Food is finished." I ran down the stairs. All of the food was set up in the garage. I dragged my father into the garage and over to the food. I licked up lips, staring at all of the food. Sev handed me a plate. I thanked him as i grabbed it. We walked down the line piling our plates.

"Would you like ketchup on your hamburger?" I scrunched up my nose.

"Eww no"

"How about mustard?"

"Gross." I smiled up at my father. He smiled down at me. Quickly, i made a silly face, making him chuckle. We both ended up laughing.

[missjackil]

The One Who Remembers

The first time Sam saw him, it was just after the Hell hallucinations started. It was only a glimpse, just out of site from his peripheral view, so he quickly forgot about it when he first encountered the memories of the meat hooks. Soon after, Sam would see him more clearly, sometimes standing, sometimes kneeling, and more often, just curled in the fetal position on the floor. Sam knew who he was, once he saw his bloody, broken face. It was himself, the one he met and killed when the wall in his head crumbled. It was the part of him who remembered Hell.   After Cas shifted the pain to himself, Sam only saw him occasionally in dreams. Always looking the same, always speaking softly, telling Sam he wasn’t going to fight him, while the words weren’t spoken, Sam knew even as it happened, that he was pleading to die. To just let it be over. Sam remembered how badly he wanted to keep the memories locked away, but he more so wanted this part of him to stop suffering. This actually made killing him easier than killing his soulless self. Putting him down and out of his misery was the easiest kill Sam ever had. The dreams of him weren’t frequent, so Sam just wrote them off as any vivid nightmare he had acquired throughout his life, and never spoke of it or dwelled on  it much. However, for some reason, after the insane conditions over the last couple days, Lucifer himself was staying in Sam and Dean’s bunker. along with his Father, Chuck, and the dreams suddenly returned with a vengeance. They weren’t repeats of the normal dream, now his burnt, bloody, tortured self would scream in pain and terror, begging God for help, and Sam awoke in a cold sweat, shivering and nauseous, his throat raw as though he, himself, had been screaming. The bunker was dark and quiet. Dean had not burst through the door, gun in hand, as if reacting to Sam screaming in the night, so Sam was sure the screams weren’t audible. He went to the sink to splash water on his face, pausing to let a round of dry heaves work its way through his system, and he let the warm air of his room fill his now over exerted lungs until the shaking stopped. He needed a drink. Whether it would be a beer, a shot of Johnny Walker, or hot tea with honey and ginger, wouldn’t be decided till he got to the kitchen. Lucifer was locked safely in the dungeon, even though Chuck assured Sam and Dean that he was completely powerless and couldn’t harm them if he wanted to, they didn’t want to take any chances, Powerless or not, Sam knew he was there. He could feel him in the air, and could swear he could hear him taunting “Saaaam? Sammy? C’mon bunk buddy, hang out with me like we used to. Want to talk about old times? Hey! I know, how about a nice game of spin the  bottle? Maybe Twister? I promise I wont cheat this time HAHAHA!!”  Sam knew it was impossible, so he shoved the thought away and concentrated on the sound’s coming from Dean’s laptop in the war room. A basketball game. It must be a repeat since it was nearly 3am. This is good, he’ll watch videos with Dean and have a drink or 2 to calm his nerves. When he got to the war room, expecting to see his brother in the “dead guy” robe and about 6 beers into a good buzz, he saw Chuck instead. Maybe he would actually be better company right now. Sam knew he could talk to Chuck about anything, he always did, the only difference now was that he could see him face to face, and get an immediate response if he needed one. “Hey Sam!” Chuck said, just as Sam crossed the threshold into the war room. “You had a terrible dream didn’t you?” Chuck didnt even make eye contact, but slid a piping hot cup of tea in front of a chair next to him, encouraging Sam to sit for  a while. Sam smiled, and sat without hesitation “Yeah Chuck, I did” he took a sip and let it warm the ache in his throat “but I um, I dont think it was a dream.” Chuck shut the laptop and turned to Sam with full attention. “Want to tell me about it?”  Sam sipped again and cleared his throat. Maybe talking face to face with God was harder than he thought. A nervous smile came across Sam’s lips as he stared shyly into the cup of tea, as if it held more answers than the Creator of the Universe that sat beside him. “I know you know I spent time… downstairs. In Hell. In Lucifer’s cage.” Chuck nodded, “And you’re anxious because Lucifer is here? I can’t make you trust me Sam, that’s a choice all your own, but I promise you he can’t….” “No no no, Chuck, its not that” Sam cut off “I trust you, I do… i always have, but Ive been well, seeing things.” Chuck sat straight, drawing just a little closer into Sam’s space, nearly forcing him to make eye contact. Sam’s shoulder’s dropped, in reverent surrender. “When the wall crumbled, I went unconscious, and I couldn’t wake up until I killed my symbolic pieces, and absorbed their memories. Of things I’d done when I had no soul, and ummm everything that happened in Hell.” Sam swallowed hard and broke eye contact with Chuck, but Chuck stayed focused. “Tell me what that was like” Sam shifted in his chair and rubbed his face. “It was hard, sort of. I literally had to kill myself, twice. Just so I could put myself back together. But, my last piece, the piece that remembered Hell.. it wasn’t hard to put him down. He wanted it. I hurt for him so bad, that it felt merciful to me, to put him out of his misery. But now, I saw him in my dream, screaming, and begging for help. Begging YOU for help.”  Sam’s throat grew tight. He wasn’t sure if it was anger, or grief, or just plain sadness. His eyes welled, and he tried for a moment to hold the tears back, but he couldn’t help it. “I guess I don’t understand why you didn’t help, is what I’m saying.”  Chuck sat back and crossed his arms. “I did help Sam. I put Cas back together and gave him the power to pull you out. I can’t honestly tell you why your soul was left behind, that’s something you need to ask Cas about, but I steered your brother in the direction to get your soul out and told Death to help him. I still give all of you free will, so I put my hands in much more with you guys than I have for anyone for thousands of years, the time it took you all to figure out the right paths were on the three of you.” Sam was speechless. Half happy to have some blanks filled in, but half mortified that he may have offended God to his face. He looked up at Chuck “Im sorry, I spoke out of turn, I didn’t mean to accuse you of….” Chuck held a hand up for Sam to stop apologizing. “It’s okay Sam, really. Ive heard worse from the Archangels. I want to know what has you worried right now.” Worried. Is that what this was? Yes…. Yes! Sam realized for the first time, he wasn’t scared, or grieving, he was worried. “Im worried Chuck…. that I made the wrong call with him, or me as it was.”  Another tear rolled down Sam’s cheek. He sniffed and wiped his face again. “Im worried I shouldn’t have killed him. Maybe I could have helped him.” Guilt flooded over Sam like a dam broke in his soul. He didn’t put this part of himself out of his misery, he just ended it. The pain may not be increasing, but it wasn’t gone. It was like taking someone out of a fire but not helping them with the burns. He knew now that his soul didn’t simply need to be brought out of Hell, it needed to heal. Something he was never able to do. Was it even possible? Where would someone even begin to heal themselves after centuries of brutal torture? Sam buried his face in his hands. How did he miss it? He was always the first one to see if a victim needed help after a possession or a monster attack. He would make sure they got to a Doctor if they needed one, or he would recommend they find someone to talk to, and would offer his own phone number if they felt he could help. But somehow, with himself, he didn’t even bother. He would think “I’m alive, I look and feel healthy, I love, and I am loved. I can still help other people, so I’m just fine. A lot of people have it worse.” Chuck let Sam cry for a while. He knew it was luxury Sam rarely gave to himself, and not even once had he cried about the pain he had suffered in Hell, once he was out and intact. It wasn’t until Sam spoke through his sobs “Im so sorry, it was my fault. I could have helped but I didn’t. I was selfish wanting to come back so fast.” Chuck grabbed Sam’s hands roughly. “Now Sam, STOP! It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know then. You didn’t know you would get through it alive, let alone be capable of healing yourself.” Sam met Chuck’s eyes again “What can I do now?” Chuck smiled “Whatever you want. What would you like to do?” Sam thought for a moment. “I want to go back. Can I go back and talk to him, or umm me again?”  Chuck winked and touched Sam’s forehead. Instantly, Sam was out. Once again, Sam entered the room. It was Bobby’s house. Dark and only lit by candles. White sheets draped over the furniture. Sam could even smell the Old Spice and whiskey like he did that day he first met him. The only difference now was that Sam was 5 years older, and completely unarmed. He knew he was there, his bloody, broken self. He could smell him. Burnt flesh, singed hair, dried blood, sweat, and fear. Not strong enough to overwhelm him, but just enough that the memories came back to the front of his mind in detail. A smell that was around himself for 180 years.  Sam walked cautiously through the room, remembering this part of himself had a blade. He was pretty sure he wouldn’t use it, but still mildly regretted coming unarmed. Then he saw him, once again sitting at the table with his head down and hair hanging in matted strands over his face. “Hey, um Sam? It’s me, or, us, the living part.” Sam could see in the candle light, this figure stand up. “Why are you here?” Sam held up his hands to show him he had no weapon, and said “I need to talk to you. I want to help.” He could see himself walking around the table towards him. His face was more visible, but barely recognizable. When finally stood within inches, he lowered his head as if a last effort to hide the pain from this older, (yet younger) healthy man in front of him. “You can’t help me Sam. Just kill me, put me out of my misery” “No, that’s where we were wrong the first time.” Sam reached out and touched him on the shoulder, but the weakened, damaged man flinched against his touch. It must have hurt him, or maybe he didn’t know touching doesn’t have to hurt. “Im sorry” Sam said while pulling his hand away. “Here, come sit.” They both sat after Sam adjusted the sheet over the couch to be more comfortable. “I can help you okay? I don’t need to kill you to stop the suffering, I need to heal you. Then I can be whole again, and you, and I, will heal. Will you trust me?” “What choice do I have?” Things began to be more clear now. This poor, mangled creature thought he had no choice but accept whatever pain or grief was bestowed on him. As something he couldn’t control or maybe even felt he deserved. Now Sam knew where to start. “First off I want you to know we made it. We made it out alive, and though there were some really rough patches, things got better. WE got better.” Broken Sam let his eyes look over himself 5 years after their first meeting “Yeah, Id say you look a lot better than I do.” And Sam could see a hint of a smile on his lips. Sam couldn’t help but smile himself. he’d have to admit that he was actually pretty pleased with his body at 32 years old. He attributed that to eating healthy when he could but never denying himself pizza or a juicy cheeseburger when he wanted them. He hadn’t had so much as a cold in 5 years, not counting the side effects from The Trials. “We, or I, have made so many choices in my life, that have brought me to where I am now. There’s been some very poor ones, sometimes people got hurt, people I love and care about, but some were very good choices, and saved a lot of people, though, the most important one, where we somehow saved the world, is the one that actually got us here, where we both are right now. “ Sam could see the guilt come across the face of his tortured self. “So, this, is our fault right?” Sam thought for a moment, thats not what he was trying to say at all “No, this wasnt our fault. We broke Lucifer out of his cage, yes, that was a very bad choice, but saving the world afterward was not. That was the best choice. What Lucifer did to us, was HIS doing. Not ours. His choices and his alone.” At that Sam saw it. A light shine behind tortured Sam’s eyes, and he could see his skin begin to regain color. This is where the healing starts! “Touch me!” Sam said placing the hand of his broken soul on his heart. He looked confused. “See?!” Sam said, with a new found excitement “I’m alive, and healthy, WE are out, WE survived. Can you feel it?” Sam could see that he could. He could feel his heart, pounding away in his chest as it made more light come from behind battered Sam’s eyes. Sam watched him take in a few long deep breaths, as though he hadn’t breathed in ages and it brought more color to his skin, as streaks like faded claw marks began to disappear from his arms. “I can feel it” he said finally. “I can breathe and it doesn’t burn! It doesn’t hurt, or stink, it feels…. good” He said with an actual smile. A smile of sheer relief, and Sam could see himself 5 years ago begin to emerge from under the scars. “This is good!” Sam felt his skin become tingly and static charged. He was surprised he couldn’t hear it. “Now, keep breathing, keep filling your lungs with air and know that it’s life okay? We lived, we are alive. We aren’t perfect by a long shot, but we do good. He tried to destroy us but he didnt. We can still fight for whats right, and still love and be loved back!” Sam’s tortured soul was clearly recognizable as himself at 27 when he overpowered the Devil himself and jumped into the pit, but something in his face was wrong. Something still unrecognizable. “ What’s the matter? Did I hurt you?” “No” he said “I just dont remember what love is. What it feels like.”  Sam felt his heart break. Even through the worst parts of his life, even when he thought he hated Dean or his father,  or even his mother once or twice, for bringing the hunter’s life into the family, he knew he never stopped loving them. Even more recently when he and Dean had nearly killed each other on a couple occasions, he loved his brother, and even when Dean was a demon, he knew deep inside he loved him and that would be the real reason he came back, but this poor boy, just spent 180 yrs of furious hate and violence, that it managed to erase love from his memory. “I can show you. Will you let me?”  “Yes.” Sam had to admit to himself that this was probably the strangest experience of his life, and that was a pretty high bar, but it felt right. It felt like the only way this part of his soul would finally feel peace. “Can I touch you?” He asked “Yes, just please don’t hurt me.” A twinge of pain hit Sam in the heart, but he could honestly answer “I promise I wont. And you can stop me at any time.” A trusting nod was returned. “Love feels like this.” Sam said, as he touched his hair. No longer matted and blood stained. Soft and smooth, his right hand cupping his jaw which until a few minutes ago was smeared with blood. Sam felt this piece of him becoming warm under his touch. Placing a hand around Sam’s wrist as if to close a connection and maybe even to feel as though he could pull away if he wanted to. But he didnt. Sam moved in closer to him, and just wrapped his long strong arms around him. Pulling him into his chest and resting his chin atop his head. “This is what safety feels like.”  Both Sams were silent. Sam didn’t rush anything. They literally had all the time in the world, and he would give himself whatever he needed. From the way he felt him, as he finally wrapped his arms around Sam’s back, he knew this was something he needed, and he kissed the top of his head, closed his eyes and smiled. “Are we okay?” Sam asked after several minutes of silence. “I think so.” He answered “But, how can I be sure you’re real and not one of Lucifer’s tricks?” Sam was stumped for a minute. He remembered this feeling all too well when he had a hard time determining what was real and what was a hallucination. He remembered what Dean had told him about Hell, and how the pain was different. Feeling the pain from the real world helped him focus more on what was real, but he couldnt possibly cause this man any more pain. Then Sam remembered that sometimes Lucifer would trick him with pleasure. Making him think for a moment he felt good and then he would instantaneously be hanging from hooks in his face. That pleasure he felt though, was different than pleasure topside. It was more like a drug induced pleasure, than a real human feeling. He could show his soul real pleasure. “I remember the tricks he played to make me think I was happy for a moment and then steal it away from me. It felt real in the moment, but it felt superficial, only on the surface. It didn’t feel like this.” Sam  pulled back away, just far enough to look into his eyes. To connect with him on level that they would both feel on the inside. He held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes until he saw life begin to sparkle in them. It may have been enhanced by the surrounding candle light, but they burned with hope. Sam closed his own eyes and pressed his lips to his temple, along his ear and to his lips. Soft with closed mouth, he stayed for just a second or two before he felt those other lips part and invite his tongue inside. It was beautiful. Sam couldnt deny it. It might have been the best kiss hes ever given or received  and he knew his counterpart felt it too. They were connected now, and everything one felt, so did the other. It was more than intense, it was epic. Sam could tell by each touch what he needed, what he craved and feelings of true, honest, pure pleasure grew like vines from the soles of his feet to the hair on his head. They both needed to feel each others bare skin surround them. Sam wasnt exactly sure how or when their clothes wound up in a pile on the floor, but it was a dream right? No, he was sure he wasn’t in the real world, but this was definitely something real. Sam laid along side himself at 27. Admired his own body even then. strong, muscular, maybe a little less hair in some places, and maybe a little more in others, but for the first time in his life, he realized he is beautiful. Not just attractive, or a 7 and a half, but actually beautiful. He let his hands and lips explore himself, as he also returned the admiration of his future body. It was confusing, but amazing at the same time. He wanted nothing more than to make love to him, himself. And he did. Everything one felt, so did the other, so every movement was perfectly in line. When slowing down was best, when speeding up was better, and when they came simultaneously, it was nothing less than perfect. He felt everything in his body and soul release pressure like a volcano, and then it was calm. Both Sams were silent. Sam awoke in his room. Sore and exhausted, but peaceful. He felt like he had slept for 3 days but the clock on his phone said just 7 hours. He was thirsty and starving, but was happy to smell bacon and pancakes cooking. Maybe it was a dream after all? He didn’t think so, he really felt like the healing actually began and a great weight was lifted off his shoulders. He made a promise to himself that whenever he felt that pain well up in his soul again, he would go back and visit his new friend. The most important person he’s saved yet to date… Himself.

[missjackil]

Ayye, for the prompt thing, can I get samcest between Hell!Sam and s11 Sam, during the period where Lucifer is in the bunker? 🙌🏼

The first time Sam saw him, it was just hours after the Hell hallucinations started. It was only a glimpse, just out of site from his peripheral view, that he quickly forgot about it when he first encountered the memories of the meat hooks. Soon after, Sam would see him more clearly, sometimes standing, sometimes kneeling, and more often, just curled in the fetal position on the floor. Sam knew who he was, once he saw his bloody, broken face. It was himself, the one he met and killed when the wall in his head crumbled. It was the part of him who remembered Hell.  After Cas shifted the pain to himself, Sam only saw him occasionally in dreams. Always looking the same, always speaking softly, telling Sam he wasn’t going to fight him, while the words weren’t spoken, Sam knew even as it happened, that he was pleading to die. To just let it be over. Sam remembered how badly he wanted to keep the memories locked away, but he more so wanted this part of him to stop suffering. This actually made killing him easier than killing his soulless self. Putting him down and out of his misery was the easiest kill Sam ever had.The dreams of him weren’t frequent, so Sam just wrote them off as any vivid nightmare he had acquired throughout his life, and never spoke of it or dwelled on  it much. However, for some reason, after the insane conditions over the last couple days, Lucifer himself was staying in Sam and Dean’s bunker. along with his Father, Chuck, and the dreams suddenly returned with a vengeance. They weren’t repeats of the normal dream, now his burnt, bloody, tortured self would scream in pain and terror, begging God for help, and Sam awoke in a cold sweat, shivering and nauseous, his throat raw as though he, himself, had been screaming. The bunker was dark and quiet. Dean had not burst through the door, gun in hand, as if reacting to Sam screaming in the night, so Sam was sure the screams weren’t audible. He went to the sink to splash water on his face, pausing to let a round of dry heaves work its way through his system, and he let the warm air of his room fill his now over exerted lungs until the shaking stopped. He needed a drink. Whether it would be a beer, a shot of Johnny Walker, or hot tea with honey and ginger, wouldn’t be decided till he got to the kitchen. Lucifer was locked safely in the dungeon, even though Chuck assured Sam and Dean that he was completely powerless and couldn’t harm them if he wanted to, they didn’t want to take any chances, Powerless or not, Sam knew he was there. He could feel him in the air, and could swear he could hear him taunting “Saaaam? Sammy? C’mon bunk buddy, hang out with me like we used to. Want to talk about old times? Hey! I know, how about a nice game of spin the  bottle? Maybe Twister? I promise I wont cheat this time HAHAHA!!”  Sam knew it was impossible, so he shoved the thought away and concentrated on the sound’s coming from Dean’s laptop in the war room. A basketball game. It must be a repeat since it was nearly 3am. This is good, he’ll watch videos with Dean and have a drink or 2 to calm his nerves. When he got to the war room, expecting to see his brother in the “dead guy” robe and about 6 beers into a good buzz, he saw Chuck instead. Maybe he would actually be better company right now. Sam knew he could talk to Chuck about anything, he always did, the only difference now was that he could see him face to face, and get an immediate response if he needed one. “Hey Sam!” Chuck said, just as Sam crossed the threshold into the war room. “You had a terrible dream didn’t you?” Chuck didnt even make eye contact, but slid a piping hot cup of tea in front of a chair next to him, encouraging Sam to sit for  a while. Sam smiled, and sat without hesitation “Yeah Chuck, I did” he took a sip and let it warm the ache in his throat “but I um, I dont think it was a dream.” Chuck shut the laptop and turned to Sam with full attention. “Want to tell me about it?”  Sam sipped again and cleared his throat. Maybe talking face to face with God was harder than he thought. A nervous smile came across Sam’s lips as he stared shyly into the cup of tea, as if it held more answers than the Creator of the Universe that sat beside him. “I know you know I spent time… downstairs. In Hell. In Lucifer’s cage.” Chuck nodded, “And you’re anxious because Lucifer is here? I can’t make you trust me Sam, that’s a choice all your own, but I promise you he can’t….” “No no no, Chuck, its not that” Sam cut off “I trust you, I do… i always have, but Ive been well, seeing things.” Chuck sat straight, drawing just a little closer into Sam’s space, nearly forcing him to make eye contact. Sam’s shoulder’s dropped, in reverent surrender. “When the wall crumbled, I went unconscious, and I couldn’t wake up until I killed my symbolic pieces, and absorbed their memories. Of things I’d done when I had no soul, and ummm everything that happened in Hell.” Sam swallowed hard and broke eye contact with Chuck, but Chuck stayed focused. “Tell me what that was like” Sam shifted in his chair and rubbed his face. “It was hard, sort of. I literally had to kill myself, twice. Just so I could put myself back together. But, my last piece, the piece that remembered Hell.. it wasn’t hard to put him down. He wanted it. I hurt for him so bad, that it felt merciful to me, to put him out of his misery. But now, I saw him in my dream, screaming, and begging for help. Begging YOU for help.”  Sam’s throat grew tight. He wasn’t sure if it was anger, or grief, or just plain sadness. His eyes welled, and he tried for a moment to hold the tears back, but he couldn’t help it. “I guess I don’t understand why you didn’t help, is what I’m saying.”  Chuck sat back and crossed his arms. “I did help Sam. I put Cas back together and gave him the power to pull you out. I can’t honestly tell you why your soul was left behind, that’s something you need to ask Cas about, but I steered your brother in the direction to get your soul out and told Death to help him. I still give all of you free will, so I put my hands in much more with you guys than I have for anyone for thousands of years, the time it took you all to figure out the right paths were on the three of you.”Sam was speechless. Half happy to have some blanks filled in, but half mortified that he may have offended God to his face. He looked up at Chuck “Im sorry, I spoke out of turn, I didn’t mean to accuse you of….” Chuck held a hand up for Sam to stop apologizing. “It’s okay Sam, really. Ive heard worse from the Archangels. I want to know what has you worried right now.” Worried. Is that what this was? Yes…. Yes! Sam realized for the first time, he wasn’t scared, or grieving, he was worried. “Im worried Chuck…. that I made the wrong call with him, or me as it was.”  Another tear rolled down Sam’s cheek. He sniffed and wiped his face again. “Im worried I shouldn’t have killed him. Maybe I could have helped him.”Guilt flooded over Sam like a dam broke in his soul. He didn’t put this part of himself out of his misery, he just ended it. The pain may not be increasing, but it wasn’t gone. It was like taking someone out of a fire but not helping them with the burns. He knew now that his soul didn’t simply need to be brought out of Hell, it needed to heal. Something he was never able to do. Was it even possible? Where would someone even begin to heal themselves after centuries of brutal torture? Sam buried his face in his hands. How did he miss it? He was always the first one to see if a victim needed help after a possession or a monster attack. He would make sure they got to a Doctor if they needed one, or he would recommend they find someone to talk to, and would offer his own phone number if they felt he could help. But somehow, with himself, he didn’t even bother. He would think “I’m alive, I look and feel healthy, I love, and I am loved. I can still help other people, so I’m just fine. A lot of people have it worse.” Chuck let Sam cry for a while. He knew it was luxury Sam rarely gave to himself, and not even once had he cried about the pain he had suffered in Hell, once he was out and intact. It wasn’t until Sam spoke through his sobs “Im so sorry, it was my fault. I could have helped but I didn’t. I was selfish wanting to come back so fast.” Chuck grabbed Sam’s hands roughly. “Now Sam, STOP! It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know then. You didn’t know you would get through it alive, let alone be capable of healing yourself.” Sam met Chuck’s eyes again “What can I do now?” Chuck smiled “Whatever you want. What would you like to do?” Sam thought for a moment. “I want to go back. Can I go back and talk to him, or umm me again?”  Chuck winked and touched Sam’s forehead. Instantly, Sam was out.Once again, Sam entered the room. It was Bobby’s house. Dark and only lit by candles. White sheets draped over the furniture. Sam could even smell the Old Spice and whiskey like he did that day he first met him. The only difference now was that Sam was 5 years older, and completely unarmed. He knew he was there, his bloody, broken self. He could smell him. Burnt flesh, singed hair, dried blood, sweat, and fear. Not strong enough to overwhelm him, but just enough that the memories came back to the front of his mind in detail. A smell that was around himself for 180 years.  Sam walked cautiously through the room, remembering this part of himself had a blade. He was pretty sure he wouldn’t use it, but still mildly regretted coming unarmed. Then he saw him, once again sitting at the table with his head down and hair hanging in matted strands over his face. “Hey, um Sam? It’s me, or, us, the living part.” Sam could see in the candle light, this figure stand up. “Why are you here?” Sam held up his hands to show him he had no weapon, and said “I need to talk to you. I want to help.” He could see himself walking around the table towards him. His face was more visible, but barely recognizable. When finally stood within inches, he lowered his head as if a last effort to hide the pain from this older, (yet younger) healthy man in front of him. “You can’t help me Sam. Just kill me, put me out of my misery” “No, that’s where we were wrong the first time.” Sam reached out and touched him on the shoulder, but the weakened, damaged man flinched against his touch. It must have hurt him, or maybe he didn’t know touching doesn’t have to hurt. “Im sorry” Sam said while pulling his hand away. “Here, come sit.” They both sat after Sam adjusted the sheet over the couch to be more comfortable. “I can help you okay? I don’t need to kill you to stop the suffering, I need to heal you. Then I can be whole again, and you, and I, will heal. Will you trust me?” “What choice do I have?” Things began to be more clear now. This poor, mangled creature thought he had no choice but accept whatever pain or grief was bestowed on him. As something he couldn’t control or maybe even felt he deserved. Now Sam knew where to start. “First off I want you to know we made it. We made it out alive, and though there were some really rough patches, things got better. WE got better.” Broken Sam let his eyes look over himself 5 years after their first meeting “Yeah, Id say you look a lot better than I do.” And Sam could see a hint of a smile on his lips. Sam couldn’t help but smile himself. he’d have to admit that he was actually pretty pleased with his body at 32 years old. He attributed that to eating healthy when he could but never denying himself pizza or a juicy cheeseburger when he wanted them. He hadn’t had so much as a cold in 5 years, not counting the side effects from The Trials. “We, or I, have made so many choices in my life, that have brought me to where I am now. There’s been some very poor ones, sometimes people got hurt, people I love and care about, but some were very good choices, and saved a lot of people, though, the most important one, where we somehow saved the world, is the one that actually got us here, where we both are right now. “ Sam could see the guilt come across the face of his tortured self. “So, this, is our fault right?” Sam thought for a moment, thats not what he was trying to say at all “No, this wasnt our fault. We broke Lucifer out of his cage, yes, that was a very bad choice, but saving the world afterward was not. That was the best choice. What Lucifer did to us, was HIS doing. Not ours. His choices and his alone.” At that Sam saw it. A light shine behind tortured Sam’s eyes, and he could see his skin begin to regain color. This is where the healing starts! “Touch me!” Sam said placing the hand of his broken soul on his heart. He looked confused. “See?!” Sam said, with a new found excitement “I’m alive, and healthy, WE are out, WE survived. Can you feel it?” Sam could see that he could. He could feel his heart, pounding away in his chest as it made more light come from behind battered Sam’s eyes. Sam watched him take in a few long deep breaths, as though he hadn’t breathed in ages and it brought more color to his skin, as streaks like faded claw marks began to disappear from his arms. “I can feel it” he said finally. “I can breathe and it doesn’t burn! It doesn’t hurt, or stink, it feels…. good” He said with an actual smile. A smile of sheer relief, and Sam could see himself 5 years ago begin to emerge from under the scars. “This is good!” Sam felt his skin become tingly and static charged. He was surprised he couldn’t hear it. “Now, keep breathing, keep filling your lungs with air and know that it’s life okay? We lived, we are alive. We aren’t perfect by a long shot, but we do good. He tried to destroy us but he didnt. We can still fight for whats right, and still love and be loved back!” Sam’s tortured soul was clearly recognizable as himself at 27 when he overpowered the Devil himself and jumped into the pit, but something in his face was wrong. Something still unrecognizable. “ What’s the matter? Did I hurt you?” “No” he said “I just dont remember what love is. What it feels like.”  Sam felt his heart break. Even through the worst parts of his life, even when he thought he hated Dean or his father,  or even his mother once or twice, for bringing the hunter’s life into the family, he knew he never stopped loving them. Even more recently when he and Dean had nearly killed each other on a couple occasions, he loved his brother, and even when Dean was a demon, he knew deep inside he loved him and that would be the real reason he came back, but this poor boy, just spent 180 yrs of furious hate and violence, that it managed to erase love from his memory. “I can show you. Will you let me?”  “Yes.” Sam had to admit to himself that this was probably the strangest experience of his life, and that was a pretty high bar, but it felt right. It felt like the only way this part of his soul would finally feel peace. “Can I touch you?” He asked “Yes, just please don’t hurt me.” A twinge of pain hit Sam in the heart, but he could honestly answer “I promise I wont. And you can stop me at any time.” A trusting nod was returned. “Love feels like this.” Sam said, as he touched his hair. No longer matted and blood stained. Soft and smooth, his right hand cupping his jaw which until a few minutes ago was smeared with blood. Sam felt this piece of him becoming warm under his touch. Placing a hand around Sam’s wrist as if to close a connection and maybe even to feel as though he could pull away if he wanted to. But he didnt. Sam moved in closer to him, and just wrapped his long strong arms around him. Pulling him into his chest and resting his chin atop his head. “This is what safety feels like.”  Both Sams were silent.Sam didn’t rush anything. They literally had all the time in the world, and he would give himself whatever he needed. From the way he felt him, as he finally wrapped his arms around Sam’s back, he knew this was something he needed, and he kissed the top of his head, closed his eyes and smiled. “Are we okay?” Sam asked after several minutes of silence. “I think so.” He answered “But, how can I be sure you’re real and not one of Lucifer’s tricks?” Sam was stumped for a minute. He remembered this feeling all too well when he had a hard time determining what was real and what was a hallucination. He remembered what Dean had told him about Hell, and how the pain was different. Feeling the pain from the real world helped him focus more on what was real, but he couldnt possibly cause this man any more pain. Then Sam remembered that sometimes Lucifer would trick him with pleasure. Making him think for a moment he felt good and then he would instantaneously be hanging from hooks in his face. That pleasure he felt though, was different than pleasure topside. It was more like a drug induced pleasure, than a real human feeling. He could show his soul real pleasure.“I remember the tricks he played to make me think I was happy for a moment and then steal it away from me. It felt real in the moment, but it felt superficial, only on the surface. It didn’t feel like this.” Sam  pulled back away, just far enough to look into his eyes. To connect with him on level that they would both feel on the inside. He held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes until he saw life begin to sparkle in them. It may have been enhanced by the surrounding candle light, but they burned with hope. Sam closed his own eyes and pressed his lips to his temple, along his ear and to his lips. Soft with closed mouth, he stayed for just a second or two before he felt those other lips part and invite his tongue inside. It was beautiful. Sam couldnt deny it. It might have been the best kiss hes ever given or received  and he knew his counterpart felt it too. They were connected now, and everything one felt, so did the other. It was more than intense, it was epic. Sam could tell by each touch what he needed, what he craved and feelings of true, honest, pure pleasure grew like vines from the soles of his feet to the hair on his head. They both needed to feel each others bare skin surround them. Sam wasnt exactly sure how or when their clothes wound up in a pile on the floor, but it was a dream right? No, he was sure he wasn’t in the real world, but this was definitely something real. Sam laid along side himself at 27. Admired his own body even then. strong, muscular, maybe a little less hair in some places, and maybe a little more in others, but for the first time in his life, he realized he is beautiful. Not just attractive, or a 7 and a half, but actually beautiful. He let his hands and lips explore himself, as he also returned the admiration of his future body. It was confusing, but amazing at the same time. He wanted nothing more than to make love to him, himself. And he did. Everything one felt, so did the other, so every movement was perfectly in line. When slowing down was best, when speeding up was better, and when they came simultaneously, it was nothing less than perfect. He felt everything in his body and soul release pressure like a volcano, and then it was calm. Both Sams were silent. Sam awoke in his room. Sore and exhausted, but peaceful. He felt like he had slept for 3 days but the clock on his phone said just 7 hours. He was thirsty and starving, but was happy to smell bacon and pancakes cooking. Maybe it was a dream after all? He didn’t think so, he really felt like the healing actually began and a great weight was lifted off his shoulders. He made a promise to himself that whenever he felt that pain well up in his soul again, he would go back and visit his new friend. The most important person he’s saved yet to date… Himself.

@eruthiawenluin maybe a little longer than a ficlet  but I hope you like. LOVE the Prompt!!