#im still paranoid about things but its a me problem not anyone elses

[elfelt-valentine]

"oooo tumblr is made for communication twitter is just a cesspool of trash and bad opinions" i made more connections on twitter in tf community than i do on tumblr To This Day cuz saying things to people is much easier and very much expected when tumblr has completely different etiquette you losers keep spouting about every other month. i know my experience isnt universal but it really always comes down to navigating your spaces but with tumblr while its easier to navigate them i do find it harder to connect with people in this community.

[the-faultofdaedalus]

IDEA. AIRON MAN BESTIES WITH A ROGUE DOOMBOT WHO'S JUST TRYING TO BUILD THEIR OWN PERSONALITY AND LIFE OUTSIDE OF THEIR IMPLANTED MEMORIES..........

COULD BE AN ACCIDENTAL GAINING OF FREEDOM OF CONSCIOUSNESS, LIKE W/ SENTIENT ARMOR, BUT I ALSO THINK IT COULD BE RLLY NEAT IF THEY WERE A PROTOTYPE DOOMBOT THAT ENDED UP HAVING MORE FREEDOM AND CAPABILITY FOR GROWTH THAN INTENDED AND THEY'VE BEEN LIVING THEIR OWN LIFE SINCE (IDEALLY W/ VICTOR'S SUPPORT BC RESPECT FOR THE AUTONOMY OF HIS CITIZENS AND CREATIONS AND ALL THAT)

BONDING OVER THE TECHNOLOGICAL FUNCTIONS AND LIMITATIONS OF THEIR FORMS, THE PRESSURE TO APPEAR A SIMULACRUM OF A BIOLOGICAL ENTITY AND THE FEAR OF HOW OTHERS WOULD VIEW AND REACT TO THEIR TRUE SELVES, THE "I AM CONNECTED TO MY CREATOR, BUT I AM NOT HIM IN THE WAYS HE WAS HIMSELF AND I AM MORE THAT WHAT HE MADE ME FOR," THE STEMBOY SWAG, ETC........

I ALSO THINK IT COULD BE FUNKY TO EXPLORE LIKE. I AM AN INDIVIDUAL DISTINCT FROM MY CREATOR BUT I AM STILL TIED TO HIM. DO I FEEL OBLIGATED TO ONLY DRAW FROM HIS VISION? DO I FEEL GUILTY FOR ADDING ELEMENTS OF MY PERSONALITY TO HIS DESIGN OF ME? WOULD HE BE PROUD OF WHO I'VE BECOME?

TRULY THIS WAS JUST MEANT TO BE A VAGUE NOTION OF A POTENTIAL CHARACTER BUT I STARTED THINKING AND GOT HOOKED DJSLHFLSHFLS BUT YES HELLO

oh there literally are already feral doombots just Around. thats canon. they are... already sapient as far as im aware (but like, sapient in that they have enough of victor's memories and personality to successfully pretend to be him and sometimes for them to not know they aren't him. also they can feel pain. questioning why victor has made ten thousand cannon-fodder robots with also his whole brain in them which also can fully feel pain is a different post) but yeah feral doombots my beloved

there’s like…. at least two i know of. the one with the fancy coat and the one calling himself vincent that actually looks like a human, i love them. i have so many thoughts about feral doombots just Around and Vibin and its not like victor gives a shit. he can make new ones. whatever.

but also ;-; that's So good, especially if its somehow pre-reveal for iron man being Known as anything other than like, a human in an armor so perhaps he meets a doombot somehow (maybe it's stealing replacement parts from SI and when IM realizes that its not... actually taking anything dangerous hes like. oh. oh. because he's smart enough to also know why he isnt just going to get repaired like normal) and it's just, this sense of Recognition that iron man cannot say anything else

i think it would be good if it was like. iron man offers to help fix the bot. oor just, helps him. no expectation of anything else. and the doombot is supicious because of course it is, it was programmed by Paranoid Bastard Supreme, and it's not like iron man can even tell it why he wants to help it so badly, because even if he doesn't think it's actively a danger that doesn't mean giving it the information that he isn't human like everyone assumes wouldn't be... an incredibly bad idea. it's still attached to a supervillan, after all

(also sidenote but i am frothing at the mouth about potential doomquest in this universe it would be SO funny,,,,,, king arthur sends a pretty lady to iron man's room for "companionship" and iron man is just like. ah. ok. i dont know what is expected of me right now. also doomquest is very good to me, specifically, because its one of the only early comics things where almost anyone has more respect for tony than for iron man, which i enjoy, i think it would be SO good for airon man au especially if iron man is like. in danger of just... running out of power. technicallyyyyy i think this should also be a problem in canon, i think doomquest happens during chestplate era, where hes largely not able to go more than about a day without Dramatic Wall Outlet Time and yet hes fine just vibin in camelot (famously deprived of wall outlets) for at least a couple of days, but YEAH SEND AIRON MAN TO CAMELOT i think hed be both freaked out and also. sad that tony couldn't experience it. i think the background radiation of iron man's life is just... sadness that tony cannot experience any of the cool things he does)

but like... him continuing too help this doombot. maybe the doombot also helps him out somehow, as well. maybe subtly interveening in some fights. maybe giving iron man some neat lil tech tips. maybe a;klsdjfasdf the doombot still wants like. Something To Do and not just sit idle all the time or something so iron man hooks 'em up with a fuckin. tech support job. or like, product testing, for SI. something where he can just fix shit thats been broken in the stupidest ways or, try to destroy other things. who knows i dont. but maybe theres an attack at SI and iron man deals with it but hes damaged, and normally he'd like. hide away and do a quick n dirty patch job just so theres not obvious holes into nothing, but. the doombot follows him. and finds him. and its just... looking at eachother. knowing "oh fuck we're the same" and also "oh fuck he knows"

i think they should help fix eachother up and be buddies anyways it'd be good

[goremet-chef]

i wish i existed for like. me? i think thats not coming across how i want but what im saying is right (ramble/rant)

im mentally ill like most people are hello mento illness community but ? ive spent a lot of time reflecting and adapting and ITS KINDA SAD ive just learned to co-exist with this shit even when there is technically some kind of cure somewhere. i remember my therapist told me i find too much comfort in my sadness and thats still true, but like. IDK im living still which is good

cuz ive spent so much time with self reflection i just get it bro 😭😭 i know how to handle other people with bpd pretty well, like. ill do things specifically NO MATTER WHO IT IS whether they have bpd or not i wanna make sure i dont accidentally give anyone RSD if i can help it yknow? pick my words carefully and i try my best to speak in a way that lets people know i want to include them cuz i feel excluded a lot

same with depression, obviously i dont have pretty tiktok depression ive got sleep for 12 hours dont take care of my body rot in my room type but i see it so???? ITS LIKE THAT ONE POST LIKE " 'people get so depressed they dont brush their teeth??? 😰' people get so depressed they kill themselves" LIKE.. ITS CRAZY SKJFSF its just the sad reality with all mental illness, if its not aesthetic and if yr displaying negative symptoms, people arent activists anymore, they dont really care. theyll degrade and dehumanize you just like everyone else

SO i do my best to make sure ? idk i GET IT, so i want to make sure if anyone feels that way, they know i wont degrade them either, that i wont feel disgusted with them or what have you

I JUST WISH THAT LIKE. lord knows i dont want to be friends with myself ew that guy sucks but sometimes i wish the people around me felt more like i do. my family does just think im disgusting even when i explain i dont have the energy to even move sometimes, im constantly suppressing my sadness, rage, even my joy. constantly holding my mouth shut whenever something upsets me and makes me feel rejected cuz i know no one is gonna understand unless they go through what i go through

cuz i know how tiring it is, idk i just want other people to know that i see you and yr not awful for being mentally ill. really tired of all the stigma surrounding various mental disorders cuz it like. it seems like it never goes away???? no matter how much systems scream about DID rep in media it never gets any better (the best example i can think of in recent is moon knight and that still has its flaws), no matter how many bpd support groups there are people still think yr an abuser the second they hear you have it, same with npd and honestly all the cluster b disorders. the seriousness of depression and anxiety is often overlooked, autism and adhd are either glamorized like hell or completely looked down upon, its so. dumb

the problem is, once they learn you are mentally ill in some way, you no longer have a voice. because yr crazy and why should they listen to you? thats how they feel basically. they see us as like. subhuman?? not well enough to make our own decisions apparently, which is so sad and so fucked up. instead of helping you cope with these problems, they just strip away yr humanity. so if they wont make us feel welcome, i can at least do my part to make other people feel welcome, yknow?

i just wish that people would do that for me 😔 no one ever disputes that im disgusting or lazy, they always shit on me for being so anxious and paranoid, like my entire existence is a burden on the people i know. the only way to not feel like that is if i never share my mental issues to begin with, which has its own problems. i do have some people who treat me well despite my flaws, but a majority dont. guess thats just reality for people like me

[phoenixfangs]

(to preface, for this post im going to use trans rep as my primary discussion example but i think this line of thought could be applied to basically any marginalized group)

honestly regarding that last reblog and the essay i left in the tags, i dont want to hear anyone praising anything for ‘good representation’ or condemning anything for ‘bad representation’ ever again i think.

firstly because people are so braindead that they cant meaningfully identify either good or bad representation. everything that i like is good and everything that i dont is bad. anything created by any trans person is good and anything created by any cis person is bad. everything that is kind and saccharine is good and everything that is angry and miserable is bad.

(seriously if i have to see one more take thats like ‘media that centers around trans suffering is bad and harmful because i dont like it and it makes me uncomfortable it turns trans suffering into a profitable spectacle, and besides being trans can be a good thing actually its not all about pain’, im going to bite somebody. im sorry that a) u dont understand that sometimes the intent of the media or stories like that is to hurt u and make u uncomfortable, b) u dont understand that someone expressing the pain they felt Because they are trans, and that they wouldnt have felt if they werent trans, is a valid form of art and self expression, and u have no right to condemn them because u dont personally connect with it, c) u dont understand that media doing the bare minimum of including a trans character who isnt hatecrimed against isnt ‘celebrating transness’ and can absolutely also be turning trans pride into a profitable spectacle, and d) that ur making all of this my fucking problem. it is not bad or morally incorrect to connect with and represent pain, especially at the hands of bigotry. my god.)

secondly because arguably it will never fucking matter anyway until society at large comes to terms with and moves past whatever -phobia or -ism we decide to center the discussion on that week.

‘good’ trans rep is never going to change a bigots mind or heart because their problem isnt that they just havent learned the error of their ways: their problem is that they hate an entire group of people on the basis that this group of people threatens their status as majority, moral correctness/worthiness, controller, group in power, whatever—whether this is materially true or a paranoid delusion. likewise, ‘good’ trans rep is never going to be enough for trans people to feel validated because of the way society has been marginalizing and oppressing trans people for longer than most of us here have even been alive, and continues to do so. it will feel nice in the moment, to see that people outside of urself and maybe even outside of ur marginalized group dont think of u as subhuman waste, but that feeling will not last forever as long as hate crimes and bigoted policy keep getting real life trans people hurt, jailed, and/or killed. idk about anyone else but nowadays its incredibly difficult for me to feel anything but contempt, dread, numbness, looking at ‘good’ trans rep while all that stuff is still happening on the daily in real life. its like a pathetic consolation prize for putting up with the horrors of existing, ‘thank u for buying our product despite what feels like most people wishing u were dead, heres this cool sticker to acknowledge ur existence and ur status as one of the ones who doesnt Deserve to be dead because ur buying our product’.

‘bad’ trans rep is never going to push an indecisive person over the fence into blatant transphobia because, to a bigot, ANY trans rep in ANYTHING for ANY REASON is ‘bad rep’. childrens books with the softest, cleanest language possible to describe trans experiences are treated like manifestos written to radicalize our good pure innocent children into horrible sexually depraved monsters. drag queens and trans people interacting with children AT ALL are demonized and called pedophiles just for existing in the same space as children. hospitals that provide safe and necessary treatment to trans people as ONE of the services they provide are issued bomb threats for daring to care about peoples health. the HINT of anything to do with being trans is a call for outrage. yeah, that transphobic caricature in that tv show really sucks to see, but its not turning people into transphobes: it is broadcasting the already material reality that transphobes think of us as subhuman waste, deserving of ridicule At Best and total extinction At Worst. a person who becomes a vocal bigot after being exposed to ‘bad’ rep wasnt an ally before that changed their mind, they were just quiet. what is the point of ‘educating’ people how to spot ‘bad’ rep and call it out if all it does is reaffirm to us that we know how to spot it and condemn? how many transphobes have said ‘i thought trans people were demons and pedophiles for the longest time, but then a random tumblr user wrote a scathing review of this random trans character and how they were a totally unrealistic and nasty depiction of a trans person, and it just opened my eyes to the fact that trans people are actually people, turns out’? when that number is larger than the number of transphobes who have said ‘i didnt really know what to think of trans people before tucker carlson and matt walsh told me they were molesting our childrens minds, but now i know theyre a threat to society’, get back with me.

like. im so fucking tired at this point. im obviously very angry and passionate about this, but im tired too. im tired of people constantly trying to say that society is getting better, trans people are becoming more welcomed in society, because of the handful of trans characters in media and the pride shirts and mugs and shit that u can buy in chain stores, while literal atrocities happen every. fucking. day. i cant be okay or happy with ‘good’ trans rep anymore because it matters so little in the context of how people on the whole view trans people, and i cant be upset with ‘bad’ trans rep anymore because its a symptom of hate and ignorance, not the cause.

i reiterate.

society and corporations are selling us pride through hollow ‘representation’ in media and slogans on mugs for the express purpose of keeping us from fighting to FEEL pride. and all the glorious spotless squeaky morally clean rep in the world will not account for the absolute loathing i have felt from every other direction for years, and the loathing everyone else has felt for decades, and the loathing were all gonna continue feeling for god knows how much longer until people and politicians stop actively trying to criminalize and kill us.

[yeolkisses]

Sitting on the floor in a blanket with a cup of coffee and stressing out over things at 5:30 p.m.?

I would say “no thank you” but HA that’s what I’m doing.

[kelp-my-beloved]

More Empires fic recs

It's me again. This are a few of my favourite empires fics in ao3, this time multichaptered edition. This are all completed, both from s1 and s2, and in no particular order. Fics under the readmore, enjoy!

Four Reasons Why I'm Broken (And Why That's Okay), by Useless_Bisexual123: "False is paranoid. False has memory problems. False doubts herself. False gets nightmares. But maybe, just maybe, that's alright."

Rating: T Archive Warnings: GDV Chapters: 3/3 Words: 7384

This was one of the first fics I read about Empires!False, and Im absolutely in love with her characterisation in here. She's tired, stressed, and I love her for this. The writting is so good too, and before I realised I had read the entire thing in one sitting. Also, Lizzie is here, and every paragraph she's in had me either dying in laughter or was just too cute. Just. I love this.

Shifting Perspective, by @scribbling-dragon: "Shapeshifters are shunned, pushed away from the light they helped to diminish. Their God retreated as they were outcast, disappearing into shadows that had only just appeared. Yet, they whisper that He is still present in the crackling of lightning and rumbling of thunder. His luck never seemed to hold firm, he's rather certain that Luck themselves holds a grudge against him at this point. And, as Luck would have it, he's been cursed with the gift, and truly, who could have been more suited to it than the Ruler of Rivendell? (Literally anyone else, is the answer you're looking for.)"

Rating: T Archive Warnings: GDV Chapters: 25/25 Words: 112658

So, this one is I think the most popular in the list, and it's probably you've seen it around if you spend at least half as much time as I do in the ao3 fandom tag, but oh my god. It deserves every good thing. I know this is a long read but it's absolutely worth it. I read it while the last chapters were still coming out, A While ago, and it still lives in my head rent free. I wish it a lot of extra kudos.

fill your lungs, by rabbit_with_a_sword: "When Sausage collapses, finally unable to hide the side affects from being resurrected, Gem and fWhip have to scramble to prevent him from being drawn back into the Spirit Realm and face the consequences of his escape. But there's more to Sausage than he likes to show, and he didn't escape intact…"

Rating: T Archive Warnings: CCNTU Chapters: 12/12 Words: 18504

This fic somehow manages to be so hilarious and made me have so many feelings at the same time. A chapter would update and I would spend the rest of the week worrying about my poor blorbo. But also, the lore behind it is top noch, there are so many details that made want to point at them and shout my thoughts. I may or may not have gone a little bit crazy over them, but keeping my sanity was never an option.

Tabula rasa, by @capriciouswriter207: "tabula rasa: the mind in its hypothetical primary blank or empty state before receiving outside impressions -- Sausage wakes up in bed. It’s pleasant. He stares at the ceiling. He doesn’t move. He doesn’t think. He doesn’t do anything. He just exists. (or: the fight with a certain wizard saves him from the corruption, but it leaves him in an extremely vulnerable state)"

Rating: T Archive Warnings: CCNTU Chapters: 27/27 Words:31097

This one was finished recently, and I was not ready to let it go. If I'm forced to say only one thing about it, is how much I enjoyed the way it was written, specially going back to the beggining after reading the end. This made me feel A Lot Of Feelings, and I really couldn't recomend it enough.

Obligatory Notes:

I did my best to tag the writers, but there are a few that I couldn't find, if they have a tumblr. If you know one I've missed, please let me know!

Also, feel free to add your own recs! I want to read them!

More recs but this ones are one-shots

[violentviolette]

How do u cope with perceived rejection? I'm at the point rn where I don't want to leave the house bc I don't want to interact with anyone anymore.

oof, that sucks. im sorry anon.

honestly for me its a combo of a lot of little things and techniques but also its still hard sometimes. I also don't have any issue when it comes to strangers. I dont care if random people don't like or reject me or think negatively of me I only care if the people I care about and want to like me don't like me. if that makes sense? so sorry if some of this isnt as helpful for those kinds of situations

but okay so my main steps are usually firstly reminding myself that I'm not that important in peoples lives. and I dont mean that in a self depreciating way so just stay with me. most people are self centered in that were all the most important person to ourselves, we live in our own brains and with our own thoughts 24/7 and so were constantly thinking about ourselves and our behavior and our life and all the things going on in it that are important to us. and like thats a good normal thing but that also means that so is everyone else. no one is paying as much attention to me and what im doing as I am, because theyre paying attention to themselves.

so I remind myself of that and remind myself that most people have a lot going on that has nothing to do with me and so their bad mood or their quietness or their weird vibe isnt them hating and rejecting me, it just means theyre upset and theres a millions reasons why that could be that are more important to them than some little thing i did.

next up is that whatever the most mundane and casual explination that exists is, is probably the truth. and even if i truly think it isnt, i act as if it is until someone directly tells me otherwise. is someone not talking to me today or hasnt replied in hours? theyre probably really busy at work or eating or showering or maybe their phone is dead, and it helps me to ask myself “well when are some times ive taken 2 hours to respond and why was that” and if im being actually honest with myself i will find times when i have behaved the same but wasnt mad at someone or rejecting them. so i always force myself to believe the mundane solution, which helps me not act on any of my feelings.

because even if i really cant believe it in the moment, i can act like i do. so say someone hasnt talked to me and i feel like theyre rejecting me, i tell myself its just because theyre busy and not because theyre mad and force myself to act accodingly. i message them a normal amount and i dont mention my feelings or suspicions and then eventually they always talk to me again like normal and then i can be like “see, eveyrthing was fine and we were just being crazy. glad i didnt do anything about it”

only act on direct information, never assumptions. i act like nothing is wrong until someone directly tells me it is, because i dont live in their head and i cant read their thoughts. i dont truly know how they’re thinking and feeling until they tell me. (and for all u other aspd and npd assholes out there NO U DONT. genuinly and honestly. people are always capable of surprising us and even when we think we have them nailed and know exactly what their thinking, even if were right, u cannot just assume someones thoughts and take it as fact. its disordered and unhealthy and u need to stop doing it if u want better relationships with others) and if they haven’t directly told me something is wrong, then they haven’t communicated properly and that is on them. i dont read into vagueposts or status updates or tweets or level of activity or anything. i notice all of it because my brain is crazy but i force myself to ignore everything except the direct words someone says to me.

is their discord status something super upset that i think vaguely relates to me? that means nothing what was the last thing they said to me? oh that they love me and then we had a totally normal interaction. thats whats the truth, and if they were lying and they actually are mad at me, then thats on them for literally communicating the exact opposite of their feelings.

and lastly, if its people who ur close with, u can also ask for reassurance or validation in a way that doesnt accuse them of doing anything wrong. i will often go to my wife and instead of being like “are u mad at me?” or something i’ll say “im feeling really fragile today can u help reassure me that u love me and that im good?” or “I know u love me but can u tell me again i need to hear it extra today” or if its a friend sometimes i’ll say “hey im feeling kind of insecure and anixious today, when u get a chance could u reassure me that we’re still friends?” or literally just coming in the chat like “hello friends i require validation today” and then people will repsond with emojis and “god mood” and i will feel better

these are good ways to ask for support because they dont put any blame or onus on the other person, its about u and ur feelings, and usually if its people who care about u they’ll have no problem doing that. my friends and i tell eachother very often that we love and care about and genuinly like one another because reassurance and validation is Good and it should be a normal part of ur relationships. (no one insert a screenshot of that time ryo said he was feeling paranoid we hated him so i instantly sent him screenshots of my dms about my crush on him i will skin u)

but yea. those are the main things i do and tell myself and sorry this got so long but i dont know how to explain things like this without a million words lol i hope that made sense and that some of it was helpfull for u

[schizosupport]

does it still count as a delusion if I think I'm stupid to believe that and that its obviously its not real but I still have like flight/fight/freeze to the thoughts/wrongly percieved event/things in the corner of my eye, or get really scared? Like I don't think that I'm correct in thinking the thing and I don't think it makes sense/has been proven wrong by the person and by testing it lol but also I have a reasoning behind it and still think it? Esp if some of the specific paranoias are very transient (or don't come back) and sometimes triggered by horror content (damn tma t-t) or v stress related ??? I'm trying to figure out if I'm just prodomal probably (bcus I have like a million environmental and genetic risks and Im 16) or actually having delusions now lol ¡¡p but it might be substance induced so :p this stuff has been going on since like, last june maybe and when I started smoking almost everyday since august

(2) HI IM THE PERSON TALKING ABT THE DELUSIONS AND POSSIBLY BEING SUBSTANCE INDUCED !! I think I've also had an increase in negative symptoms in that approximately 1 year time frame than before, even though I'm autistic so experience a lot of the things they list in that stuff :p but that could be because I went through a traumatic relationship or because I've been unmasking over time since I'm not in public and been trying to acknowledge my needs during quarantine :p (3)  hi sorry for using all caps yesterday :(((( I didn't mean to make anybody distressed in any way. Also is thinking as a kid that people may be controlled by larger beings like sims and whenever we die thats because they got bored with us normal weird kid beleifs or ?? Or like after watching truman show I was always thinking abt if I was like it and I still kinda act like there could possibly always be a camera on me or someones watching me but my dad talked about putting cameras around the house and one time when I was getting on my phone because he had taken it away from me a notification popped up on his computer that I was using my phone and if he wanted to look at my screen so maybe its just me being scared cus of that even tho I dont live with him anymore :p and I have no reason to believe he or anyone else actually has access to my phone but they do and its really scary :'((((

Hi anon!

No need to apologize, you’re good, and you didn’t distress me! 

I am very brain-tired there days which makes it hard for me to respond thoroughly, but I’m going to attempt anyways. 

The exact definition of delusions vs magical thinking, paranoid ideation and anxiety can be hard to figure out, and the professionals may have varying opinions as well. The main question, to me, would be - are you very distressed by these thoughts? Are they hindering your ability to live life to its fullest?

If the answer is yes, then I find it less important what they are, and rather I would urge you to look into getting some help managing these symptoms. At the end of the day, knowing the name of what’s going on with you can feel empowering, but it doesn’t actually help much if it isn’t accompanied by an increase in support, understanding and potentially treatment.

Another thing is, you said you’ve been smoking almost every day - from the context I’m guessing you’re talking about weed? 

I know that a lot of people do feel like weed can alleviate some discomfort, and I’m not the authority on drug-use by any means, but I think that a daily intake of any drug, can be a cause for alarm. - No matter if that’s alcohol, weed or “harder” drugs. Especially in people who are susceptible to psychosis (which you seem to be), weed can have a negative effect, and it can definitely increase some symptoms, or even increase the likelihood of a full-blown episode. 

I know it’s easier said than done, and you probably have your reasons for smoking as much as you do, but from a mental health perspective, it does blur the picture. And it can make it harder to get the help you need, because you risk either professional writing off your symptoms as “purely druginduced” or alternatively, they ignore the smoking, and think that you’re more psychotic than you would normally be, which could also lead to the wrong treatment.

(Say for example, you’re smoking to cope with a certain set of symptoms (eg. adhd)- then that smoking causes psychotic symptoms - they treat that with antipsychotics. Now if your original problem was adhd, you would have been better off with a prescription for that, instead of having to take two mind-altering substances as patches on patchwork solutions)

Honestly I’m not the best to ask about the border between delusion and anxiety - professionals have repeatedly told me I’ve long since crossed the border (hence why I’m diagnosed as schizophrenic) but in my own mind I’m still just “a very anxious person”...

I hope this was at least a bit helpful, my computer is lagging and so is my brain, so I’m going to wrap this up here.

Best of luck anon!

Cat

[theabysswatchers333]

The Walten Files Theories:

I rewatched the series and I have some new theories and my guess on the timeline. If anyone saw my previous theories about Jack being in Boozoo. I take that back. I struggle to see faces and I got Charles and Jack confused. Anyway with theories from my brother I think I understand the Walten files a lot better now. But of course these are just theories or guesses to the story. I went all out and spoke on all my theories because I think that's what your supposed to do. Since the story of bons burgers isn't told in a traditional sense. My brother also helped me generate ideas so I want to give him some credit too, enjoy!

Firstly I want to cover two big mysterious. Jack and Charles. Their fates are really left to mystery. But I think we get enough clues that the peices can be put together.

Charles is the most unknown important figure in the entire series. We know what he looks like and who he was stuffed into but otherwise we don't get much else. I have a few theories on him. With the casting of Boozoos ghost and the fact that everyone Felix killed was an employee, I think Charles was an important or high ranking employee under the founders. My guess would be that either he made the animatronics, he was the person who handled the buisness side of things, or he was the highest ranking and most loyal Tech support. I think he may have been close to the founders. So close they set up opening day to be on Lily's birthday (I assume Lily was close to Charles, a daughter or a neice) I picked up on this when Linda called Lily by name in her letter. If it was someone she didn't know she would've said "opening day" or just "a birthday party" she had probably met Charles and Lily at least once to know this info. And at this time the company wasn't off the ground yet. So with that established I think Charles was killed for one of two reasons (or a mix of both) A. Jack set it up so that if something happened to him Charles got his part of the company and become a founder or B. Charles was the one who told the authorities about what happened at Bons burgers. If you remember in Rosemary's section there is a shadow that follows behind then slowly and walks in as shes stuffed. That couldve been charles. He may have picked up that Felix acted strange around his female employees (I always thought it was odd aside from Jack and Brian the majority of the deaths were woman) plus the "nows shes beautiful bit" which may have gotten Charles to keep on eye on the other employees and watch over them. But that eventually got him killed. Both theories are things Felix wouldn't have wanted to happen. When Jack is dead he acts as if he barely existed and even capitalizes off his disappearance. I think Felix while caring for the Waltens also had a big ego. Thinking he was above everyone and obsessive about his image. Which probably lead to all the deaths but especially Charles.

That leads me into my next theory. No one is in Bon. Bon is the face of the company. I think Felix's ego is to big for him to ruin the animatromic that is the company's brand. I think all the murders that happened when Bons burgers was open were entirely Felix. Even though we're seeing the bon animatronic. If you notice in Rosemary's part, bon had human hands. Separate from the suit

See? The suit is covering someone human. At this point Felix couldve been wearing the suit. But later it was probably impossible for Ashley and Brian to be killed by Felix. Which Leads me to my next part.

We can tell by Ed and Molly possessing their rabbit that the bodies don't have to be inside the animatronic for them to be possesed. While Felix obviously didn't die he still could've possesed Bon in some way. Like a poltergeist situation, where his guilt was so extreme. Plus his heightened emotions when he killed wearing the bon suit. It left Bon possesed by his energy. I think this makes sense as Bon is clearly hunting for Sophie. However he doesn't know what she looks like and is just randomly attacking employees that have the same uniform. So it doesn't make sense that Jack or Felix are actually in the suit.

I actually think that after Bons shut down the bodies were removed from the animatronics. All the animatronics have the same large holes in their chests. Which don't look like regular wear and tear. This is probably also why they could be reopened and reused as the biohazard was removed before they were stored.

Billy is dirty but doesn't have any holes, as he wasn't stuffed with a body until after he was put into the storage facility. Bon probably had blood on him from Felix and had to be cracked open, Sha was also opened. If your curious as to why Police didn't just take off the top layer and expose the exoskeleton. The inside of the animatronics probably had evidence that they took in. Like hair, blood, nails, or if you think some were stuffed alive (like Susan), scratch marks.

Now after those linked thearies let's go back to Jack. A lot of people wonder why Show bear wasn't apart of the show stoppers. But with the estimated timeline were shown. Jack was probably murdered first after Ed and Molly died. I theorize that A. Jack is in showbear and B. Showbear was in the showstoppers but Felix became paranoid or because it was his first kill while drunk he wasn't able to hide the body properly so he dumped the whole animatronic in a well. Probably just off the Bons burgers property.

With all those theories laid out im gonna give my estimated and theorized timeline

Jack and Felix co-founder a restaurant and name it Bons Burgers. They start to hire employees before it opens and set up the opening date to be on Lily's birthday. Which is Charles Neice or Daughter. Charles was close to the Waltens and Krankens and probably did behind the scenes work on the buisness or was a loyal friend they hired as an employee. Before opening day Felix is asked to take Ed and Molly to a school dance and drop them off at home. He takes them to the dance and drinks while he's there. He then starts to drive them home. Combined with his drunk driving and the loose laws on seatbelts in the 70s; Ed and Molly are killed in a car crash. Where Felix survives. Felix buries Ed and Molly, who go on to posses their stuffed rabbit even though their still buried. Jack kept calling Felix more and more panicked. Felix probably lied and said he took them to bons burgers and lost track of time. That he felt dizzy and needed Jack to come pick them all up. When Jack got there Felix probably attacked him and thought he killed him and roughly stuffed him in showbear. But because of his drunken state he couldn't quite do it right. So instead he dragged showbear to a nearby well and threw the animatronic inside. Jack was probably alive still. In his later messages he begs for help, stating that he can't breath. Rosemary or Felix reports all three of them missing. Opening day comes around, it seems it went smoothly but for some reason Susan is killed and stuffed inside Banny. Probably alive, per the "the rabbit is starving" section. Bons burgers continues operating until Felix tricks Rosemary into the back rooms. Wearing the Bon suit. He dismembers her alive and stuffs her in Sha. Charles walks in or he's already gone to the police so he's also killed and stuffed in Boozoo. Along with presumably Susan screaming at night still alive and begging for help. Bons burgers is closed for good. Felix still wants to kill Sophie to ensure that he is never caught but he never manages to do so. The animatronics are inspected and all bodies are removed. Everything is moved to the storage facility as the case is investigated. The case probably went cold, or at least the bodies weren't buried yet as Felix was never found out. With all of them having unfinished buinsess they still continue to haunt Bons burgers. Most of the showstoppers don't seem to reanimate. Instead finding their way into employee tapes, cartons, and the arcade games like bunny farm. Bon possesed by Felix's negative energy from his murders, attempts to hunt down Sophie. Eventually after the case is either dropped or goes cold. Attempts are made to reopen Bons burgers as the characters are still successful. The relocate project start up and the three employees are sent to try and fix the animatronics. Ashley goes into the backroom and is killed by Bon and stuffed in Billy. This shuts down the relocate project for a while. Brian is hired to try and fix the animatronics again. But is stopped by Bon and is hunted down and mauled left to die. Until eventually it appears the project is successful as Sophie and Jenny seem to be new employees handling the machines in a different setting. While playing Bunnyfarm Sophie starts to, and eventually remembers her family.

Stepping back from the lore and story in their universe. I feel like there is another angle you could see the story in. I also think the Walten Files could be being told from Sophie's perspective, possibly in thearpy. These seemingly meaningless tapes suddenly Jolt memories and flashbacks. Which would also explain the random music, dates, distorted pictures, and disjointed conversations. Honestly some parts in the Walten Files remind me of my own memories and flashbacks as a person with memory problems like Sophie. However there isn't much evidence for that. But it is still possible. From that Angle the sequence of events still play out the same but instead of the tapes being haunted its Sophie's having flashbacks as she remembers bits and peices.

That's all I have! Sorry it ended up being such a long post, I hope it makes sense. Have a good day, thank you for reading!

[mieczyhale]

mace im sorry i don't have coherent thoughts but i'm so just like,,, what was klaus this season. what was ben. the cult was pointless to klaus' character. the things that matter to klaus' character were ignored. the dave stuff was a lot of nothing. i felt like the possession thing shouldve been huge for ben and klaus' relationship but we're supposed to think klaus feeling violated is funny and inconsequential? ben going to the light was just shoved in at the end? i just---what???? who??

i’m on the same page as you, anony, especially in coherency lmfao

klaus this season was.. not totally bad, but i think most of that can be put on robert for his acting and how well he knows his own character bc the writers clearly didn’t know what was up (or maybe they did and playing him off this season as comedic relief, having him tossed to the side and mistreated, is going to play into s3 somehow. idk. i’m not writing off any possibility because overall the writers have done really really well with everything else so in my soul i feel like there has to be a reason they did what they did to him this season yknow??) for all the jokes they had him making and stuff, i think robert definitely played klaus the way we as fans know him - suffering constantly but unwilling to let anyone actually see that and if they do he’s gonna make it sound like a joke. he’s not gonna act serious because that leads to pain and he’s had more than enough of that. HOWEVER. i am genuinely so so pissed that he didn’t get to fight or really use his powers this season. and the part before ben sacrifices himself where klaus finally got up the courage to try and help, the fact that he didn’t succeed - that it wasn’t klaus who saved the day - is just... sldflksd GOD I HATE IT. oh and the scene towards the end where everyone gets shot and the one remaining swede kills the handler?? THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN KLAUS. he should have come back to life as he does, as is PART OF HIS POWERS, grabbed a gun that he knows how to use well - thank you vietnam - and he should have shot the bitch. but no. we didn’t even get that. vanya got klaus’s levitation and diego got klaus’s telekinesis and klaus got ??? a cowboy hat. which i mean looks good on him and he deserves it but it doesnt make up for *gestures at everything* and tbh even that was tainted because one of the siblings says “50$ if we leave him here” when klaus runs to grab the hat. seriously??!! SERIOUSLY??! it’s not funny, it’s just more of people not caring about klaus and thinking abandoning him is a fun joke to make ANYWAY. onto things you actually mentioned sdlkdsjf;ls i think the cult wasn’t pointless to his character necessarily, i think it did provide something, but it wasn’t used to its fullest extent. we got little things like klaus talking about it making him claustrophobic and making him feel like his skin is on fire, and his followers become something he cant escape even though he desperately wants too - it’s like having the ghosts all over again except he’s sober and these are live people who can touch him. but the show never actually out loud makes that comparison when they should have. i think it would have helped the cult thing seem less random. as for the dave thing.. i don’t think it was a lot of ‘nothing’ but again i think they could have definitely done more with it. it lets klaus see dave again, in a way, and it shows us more about both of them and the relationship they had. we learn more about dave, who he is, the kind of people he had around him and the environment he grew up in. it shows us that klaus and dave talked about all kinds of things, nothing was too mundane or unimportant. it shows us that three years after dave’s death klaus is still grieving and is still 100% in love. and it shows us that klaus isn’t always as selfish as people assume right alongside another hit to the face (oof unintentional wording) of just how much he loved dave. he wanted to save dave’s life so badly he made a fool of himself, put up with homophobia, took a hit to the face, and still kept trying to stop him from enlisting even though, per the last timeline, it would mean they’d never meet. klaus is willing to have dave never know him, is willing to handle that pain and heartbreak pretty much forever, as long as dave lives. my heart literally cannot handle it the possession thing. i haven’t stopped being angry and uncomfortable and disgusted by it since i saw it like 2 days ago now. that plot the writers really fucked up on it was a big thing for their relationship but not in any way that lead to growth or understanding or power control or ANYTHING. i love ben but i have so many fucking problems with him after watching s2 that i almost wanna take my love back tbh. the writers tried to make it seem like what ben was doing was okay - because he was angry and frustrated with klaus, because klaus wasn’t doing what he wanted, because klaus couldn’t stay sober, etc. like any of that makes possessing someone without their consent okay... or threatening to possess someone the moment their guard is down (leaving klaus paranoid and afraid to sleep).. or getting permission to possess someone and then refusing to leave (and its double garbage when diego encourages ben to continue possessing klaus. diego’s reason was gross and even if he hadnt given a reason he was still encouraging ben to not give klaus’s body back to him. which like.. im sure klaus can see and hear what’s going on. so he now is aware that his brother would rather have ben-wearing-klaus than actual klaus. the amount that would fucking hurt. a nyway) klaus never really got to talk about how it made him feel, not in any situation where anyone was listening. he never got to go off on ben for what he did, and what he was about to do, even though he had every right to. ben kind of knew how klaus felt about it but he showed very clearly that he didnt care. ben just did not fucking care about klaus this season. and it wasnt a ‘tough love’ thing like they tried to do in s1. it was just horrible and it hurt to watch. and i feel like s2 ben wouldnt have apologized to klaus even if he had been seriously confronted. we now know that klaus has this power. and we know that it can easily be abused by someone else. and i feel like that could tie into his ability to make the ghosts corporeal and such. it could definitely work as an interesting lead into exploring more of his many powers. and it could have worked as a way to bring ben and klaus closer without anyone getting hurt or violated. but.. for s2.. it wasnt used that way. it was used as a way to degrade and humiliate klaus. and they clearly wanted us to find it funny. it was one of the least funny things to happen all season. actually probably THE least funny thing. right along with nobody giving a shit when they thought klaus was having a seizure or OD-ing (both during their meeting with reginald and in the alley when they were supposed to meet up to use the briefcase five got from the handler), AND OF COURSE  nobody taking klaus seriously, paying attention to him, or caring about him (except for allison at some points) and ben finally going into the light at the end..  was kind of shoved in?? but i think what made it feel that way, for me at least, wasn’t so much the placement or timing of it but that it wasn’t really acknowledged afterwards?? it just.. happened, and we were all heartbroken, and on screen... nothing. it felt like a very sudden end to his storyline and yeah they could have done a little more to make it feel like a natural end for him thanks for the ask and sharing your thoughts on s2 with me~!! <3

[cheesecaketyrant]

Hello all! I would like to take the time to say; Thank you to: (Unfortunately I can't tag them! But they are known as shockwavefan and as well Soundwave - I'm not sure if I do have them on Tumbler or not!) @artsy-archangel @zen-drift! Y'all are amazing!

Now, I tried to clean it as best to my abilities in the form of RP format.

I did realize that for the cover is not quite accurate. But that's okay! (There were few mistakes in the last post; Shockwave was the one who killed Megatron, not Optimus Prime)

I'll be posting these as Chapters and Parts. Anywho I'm sure some of y'all been waiting for the next post- so.. here!

Oh boy, this starting to look quite interesting!

Chapter:1- All Hail Shockwave

(Part:1-2)

--------

Shockwave saw that his people were cheering, he looked at his experiment, no one could read Shockwaves mind. Not even those who have worked closely with him for years know. He walked down the steps, his metallic feet hitting the ground with each step.

After a few hours since he had left the stage, he was underground. Shockwave was once again his old self, the senator long ago was gone; the leader they know now is fake. He became leader as a way to have access to more tools. On the table lied a Cybertronian, a Decepticon, he screamed in agony but they never reached their destination. After enough energon had leaked the victim stopped screaming. Behind Shockwave were multiple dripping bodies of Decepticons hanging upside down. Shockwave, the terror which spread through the Autobot army was back, only he wasn't affiliated with anyone but logic.

--------

Today wasn't the best of all days as a sudden riot began however this wasn't the first that has happened. Prowl has come to an assumption that someone is starting the mods on purpose therefore he's been sending in the authorites to investigate. Later, situations got worse when Decepticons came Archangel's office reporting missing friends that haven't returned to their homes for awhile. He assured them he'll handle the investigation and they left in high hopes they'll have their friends back.

Archangel sighed as he laid back againts his chair and pinched the bridge of his nose as he closed his optics. Everything seemed to be getting worse however some events were to be expected but not missing bots.

A knock on his door interrupted Archangel's thoughts. "Come in." He responded as he fixed his serious composer.

Prowl entered with a datapad in his servo. "My team has discovered the culprit behind the sudden riots." Prowl told him. "Ratbat has been planning a scheme however its unknown what his intentions are."

"Ratbat was a Decepticon..."

"Of course you would know that given your past. Was isn't the right word for it: he " is" a Decepticon. He's proven to still be loyal to the dead cause." Prowl interrupted him and handed Archangel the datapad. "While I deal with Ratbat, I need you to inform Shockwave about the energon supplies. We've been getting reports of cannibalism in the streets and the percentage of casualties is high."

Archangel straighten and his servo tightened against the datapad in reaction to what Prowl wanted him to do. Was he testing him again?

"I'll... Be sure he's aware of the problems." He said in a serious tone, hiding his sudden dread.

"Good. Send me a report when you are finish." Prowl said as he left.

Archangel slumped in his seat more and groaned from stress. "Primus give me strength." He whispered.

Through that whole conversation, Prowl didn't give Archangel a moment to speak. Yes he knew how much the mech disliked him but this was peculiar. Also asking him to deal with Shockwave was definitely really low since Prowl was aware of his past. He was planning something and Archangel wasn't sure he wanted to play his game.

-----------

Drift gazed at the datapad in his servo, optics ridges scrunched together in a frown as the latest census showed that instead of an increase in their clients in the housing, some area were showing a drop in numbers. Odd. He placed that datapad aside and pulled up the records for the previous counts. The decrease was there but very marginal. Enough to be explained away by miscount or simply some bots just up and leaving their designated housing, moving in with others or goodness knows what else. He had had to deal with a fair number of strange reasons that bots just didn't stay put. But this was beginning to look like a pattern or maybe his war-wired brain module was trying to put a more sinister twist to what could just be perfectly normal situation. Yet his tanks gave that curious twist that he always trust and he simple knew that something was up.

But who could he turn to? He could try his Senior Officer but he also didn't want to come across as being paranoid. Primus knew his religious habits already earned his strange looks despite most bots being really good natured about it, some even being interested. his old friends were...dispersed. At one time he felt he could trust Ratchet above all, but the mech had thrown in his lot and time with Shockwave now. And it made sense, The CMO was always aligned with a leader.

Drift rubbed his helf crest and stared at the numbers again. He didn't know anything beyond them and a tank feeling. It wasn't enough to go on. He needed to start doing some ground work. Subtly of course, since he didn't need to start a panic. He was no Jazz but he was a fairly decent interrogator. Maybe he could start with the Police Reports. See if there were any notices for missing bots and if those names matched the ones in his register.

He vented out and picked up the datapad again. He had really hoped things would be different this time around but it seemed that it wasn't going to happy crystals. A mech poked his head in. "Drift, we got another riot happening, this time a bit closer to the recent bot settlement. Some of them are demanding relocation. Boss wants you on it!" Drift nodded, out of his chair even before the mech finished speaking. "I got it," he said, shiting to bot mode and heading to the scene of the now dispersed riot. A tall blue Seeker frame caught his optic as he arrived. "Archangel?" he mouthed to himself but the Seeker was swallowed up by the crowd work and his duties and Drift had his own to attend to. He made a mental note to check and see if that was indeed the Seeker he knew. The frightened group of mech and femmes huddled together as he approached.

"Hello, my name is Drift. Im from the Immigration Center. I'm here to attend to your issues," he began giving them a smile. "We need to get away from this!" a femme blurted out in a high pitch whine of her vocalizer, "We didn't come back to be in more war!" Drift shifted to modulate his vocalizer to soothing but firm tone. "I understand that and unfortunately I cannot relocate you to another sector. However, lets go inside and I can let you know how to make this place a bit safer for all of you. The Police as you see also got this under control. Trust us to do our jobs. We will make this better." The group huffed but led the way into their housing, Drift following behind them, hoping he was right.

-----------

The war was over. Cyberton was in an odd state. Shockwave was leader, the Decepticons and Autobots were scattered. You could even say they were shattered factions. (Roll credits.) The two factions in the war now needed to find a way to co-exist somehow. Putting that dreadful war behind would not be easy. The Decepticons' leader, Megatron, had unfortunately ceased functioning. Killed by that traitor, Shockwave. Soundwave would rip out that traitor's spark if he had the chance. But the Decepticons were not fully lost. They were nowhere near their previous power, however. They had much fewer numbers, not as strong a fighting force, and they had a leader who could not even hope to amount to what Megatron did.

Soundwave was only there because he had nowhere else to go. He would almost certainly be executed for the things he had done during the war. So he stayed with the army that the previous Second In Command of the faction had gathered. Starscream. It would certainly take getting used to. Starscream is not the leader Megatron was. But perhaps that could change with time. Soundwave would have to stick around to see that happen, and stick around he would.

----------

He was fuming, any bot that was an inch from him got shoved out of the way, and others, well they got thrown. It was very typical of Starscream when he threw a tantrum, to flick pain on others.

Being treated like the under dog for so long, he had picked up habits, and mold them.

But, this time was different- his attacks were more brutal then the normal. Starscream wasn't sure who gave the cadet the go to scout energon, with out a group. Something was off, Starscream couldn't put a digit on what.

Turning on the communication, the channel had been switched to private- just in case any was listening in. Had pinged in Soundwave, :'Find out who on Primus gave authority for a one bot solo mission, on finding energon!' Starscream said, almost half shouting, leaving his comm open for Soundwave response.

Takeing a sharp left turn, the Seeker stomped with each step. Dearing anyone to stop him, behind him was the sound of petter patter steps from small peds that came from none other then Rattrap, "Sir! Please slow down!" Stopping in his tracks, Starscream spun around, his servos now propped onto his his. "Did you already taken care of that mess?" The new Warlord said, in a demanding tone, rushing the mechanic vermin.

"Yes, Mord! I did what you've asked of me-" without giving him any further ado, Starscream turned back around and started to walk again in big strides. However it didn't seem like Rattrap was finished, "I need to talk to you! About Cybertron-" with this Starscream stopped in his tracks.

"Speak, and make it fast." The once Second in command command, not giving any room for small chit chat. "Well, uh. There's been reports- about disappearing bots back on home." Rattrap paused, in order for Starscream to react. "Witch fractions?"

"If my calculation and resources are correct- both." Rattrap held a datapad in his servos, clutching onto it as if it was his life line.

"Is that so, Then tell me, whose your resources, and how did you found about this?" Rattrap began to shift his pedes looking nervous. "The mech you killled-"

"Finish your report, then once your done leave the data in my quarters. Once done, bring up the dead bots profile- see what's all on his background history!" Starscream shouted, by now- he was more mad at himself to act upon reckless thoughts and actions, which made his mood even more sour.

Rattrap better prayed to the all spark, that this was just some miscalculation- rumors no less. If not- Starscream had more on his servos then that a war he was sure he was going to lose.

---------------

Drip, drip, drip. That was all that could be heard in the lab, Shockwave was collecting it; it's unknown for what reason but it seemed important. To the side was a whole diagram of the standard Cybertronian anatomy, there were beakers everywhere. To his right was a list of Decepticons and their pictures, most were all crossed out except three, Soundwave, Starscream, and Archangel. His experiment betrayed him, now was the perfect time to strike. At the bottom of the list was Megatron, his first victim, this was all part of the plan to save Cybertron. After a few hours had passed underneath the lab, he walked out into the barren wasteland which was Kaon.

|The Office|

Shockwave made sure he didn't have any energon on him, he didn't want to arouse suspicion to his actions. He landed, waving to his secretary, his fake persona was just to be clear. He walked up to his office, he sat down in his chair. Moments after, his secretary called. "Mr. Shockwave, you have a visitor from the Police Department, someone called Archangel." Shockwave was surprised, why would he want to see him? "Bring him up, we'll have a talk."

----------

Archangel was waiting in the lobby as the secretary contacted Shockwave of his arrival. He scowled as he wished the bot would call him by his rank as he introduced himself before but it seemed to have slipped their processor.

"He's waiting for you now, Archangel. He's at the top floor." She told him.

Archangel bowed his helm respectfully as he hid his sudden dread. "Thank you." He said before he walked past the counter and entered the lift. He pressed the top floor option on the lift's console and the hatch slid shut in response and began to ascend.

Archangel's servos clenched tightly as he grew tense and tried the venting technique Rung taught him to calm him down, however his emotions were overwhelming which deterred his efforts to relax. Despite his failure, he hid how he felt rather well as he remained stern as soon as the lift came to a stop. The hatch opened into Shockwave's office. The large purple mech was sitting at his desk and seeing him again made Archangel feel sick in his fuel tank.

"Commander Archangel of Iacon's Police Department. I have dire reports that acquire your attention." He said seriously as he placed the datapad on his desk. "We've been having multiple cases involving cannibalism in the streets due to lack of energon supplies. The public wants actions regarding the issues before they manifest into more riots."

[aresfms]

「 harry styles. cismale. he/him. 」i hope that #lexsquad member「 ARES BYERS 」adds me to the squad ! the 「 TWENTY THREE 」year old 「 FINANCE 」 major has been apart of the squad since 「 DECEMBER 2018 」and seems to be the 「 THE RECUSANT」of the group.「 ARES 」is a「 SENIOR 」 and seems to enjoy 「 BOXING AND SOCCER 」but you can always find them at a squad party , too !

listen don’t say i didn’t warn you, this is a lil long. but if you guys are interested in any connections ( scroll down to the end for some ideas ) then pls hit me up. im so ready.

okay basically i’ll do a summary in case y’all dont wanna read his SAD story. tw: domestic abuse, abandonment, alcohol abuse. 

Summary: ARES BYERS, 23, SENIOR.

A finance major at LexU.

He’s currently doing both soccer and boxing, but soccer would be for his athletic scholarship. ( he has a full ride )

Boxing would definitely be like more of an anger relief thing and honestly, he defs loves soccer but he knows he can’t rely on that for a forever thing. plus he defs things boxing is good money, yknow that side hustle illegal shit

Loves art like a lot.

 He visits his siblings probably every other day or whenever he can because he really is so protective of them or he’d even bring them to campus all the time even though his “ step dad” hates it.

His relationship with his mum is still super strained because she really is in denial about her toxic abusive situation with his “step dad”  and hes trying to tell her hes going to get her out and she just does not want to.

His mum is an alcoholic and his stepdad is physically abusive to them like most of her past partners which is something ares has been dealing with since he was a child.

hes solely doing finance to get a good job to get his mum and siblings out of the situation theyre in now.

he wants sole custody of his 3 siblings but i mean, he needs a stable job and place to live aka finance

 has 3 younger sisters who he adores.

HISTORY STUFF ( YIKES SOZ ) Its long everybody.

 He was born to teenage parents who hadn’t even graduated high school yet. They had a pretty tumultuous situation and his dad really didn’t think they should have a kid, but his mum thought that it would bring them closer together and make his dad mature…. Which definitely didn’t end up happening.

once Ares was born his dad stuck around for about a year or two before basically abandoning them and offering to give up parental rights to his mum Alycia.

That’s when things basically just went downhill. It really messed with his mum, obviously she was supporting ares on her own with no support from anyone, no family and very little money, at the time she had been trying to go to school but had to give that up once she was the sole provider for Ares. And the fact that someone she thought was going to be her partner abandoned her just led her down a pretty dark path.

It was just his mum and him after this. There wasn’t a lot of stability for them. His mum for a while was the only family he had. his grandma wasn’t really very supportive of his mum having the baby and living with his dad etc and they’re relationship was quite strained too.

• By the time Ares was about 12 he was already probably mature beyond his years, his mum by then had basically gave herself up to alcohol and had some pretty bad shady boyfriends in the house. Ares would definitely still vividly remember like explosive fights between her and boyfriends where things got physical between them and even to Ares from multiple different boyfriends.

His schooling was just.. a mess he definitely repeated a grade or two because of the commotion of home life.

Regardless though he was still VERY protective of his mum even if he felt pretty abandoned by her, he was just confused why she was letting these people come around when they were better on just the two of them. But that really didn’t last long, his mum ended up having multiple other kids with different people.

 So he has Maeva, Orion and Lea who are his half siblings and theyre all under 12.

I  think he definitely grew up faster than most because he always felt an urge to protect his mum and his siblings now especially. he worried about them all. He was definitely an anxious kid.

• His mum ended up marrying but honestly Ares couldn’t hate his stepfather more. He would refuse and still does refuse to call him dad or stepdad because he truly thinks he’s a piece of shit. Like he knows he treats his mum like shit and hes had no problem being physical with the both of them and once ares got old enough he really did start fighting back which only made it worse.

There’s probably been multiple times where its been ares calling the police on him after he fought with his mum but as usual his mum always takes his side which honestly fucked ares up constantly but eventually as soon as he could he was working even at like 13/14 because he was desperate to save money thinking he could help his family get out of the fucking mess they were in.

 His number one priority is and will always be his mum and his sisters even though deep down I think he has some kind of resentment towards his mum he’ll always love her. He just wishes that she would take his side especially against his “ step dad”

Basically though once he was about that age he realised he really needed to start focusing on school, grades and sport anything he could so he had some kind of chance to get into a good uni and get his family out of everything. Like he knew he’d need somewhere he could get a full ride since theyd never be able to afford it and somewhere still nearby so he could look after his sisters still.

 His stepdad knew though that ares was working even when he wasn’t supposed to be and he really took advantage of that, he was definitely beyond lazy and ares basically always felt more of a parent to his sister than anyone else.

 So basically he ended up graduating – late however he was 19 when he graduated high school because of repeats and luckily enough he got a full ride to Lexington university and he really took it within a heartbeat. He ended up choosing finance not because its anything he’s interested in but because he wanted something that would pay really well so he can support his family, but he knew he didn’t have 8 years to do medical school etc.

Personality:

 he can have a shitty attitude won’t lie, like he’s very focused and set on what he wants and needs to do and he wants no one getting in the way of that.

He’s super into boxing to release a lot of the pent up anger he obviously feels and really because he wanted to know how to fight back all the assholes his mum had in his life.

He is can be extroverted and talkative but I think with the people who aren’t close to him or to people he doesn’t have a real trust in it’s probably a pretty surface level. Its never about his family or past in fact I think that part would be something very few if any people know about.

his sisters aka his pride and joy, he probs has pictures of them in his wallet.

He likes to keep things light hearted as a distraction from himself but he definitely doesn’t let people in easily.

He really tries to avoid confrontation because it’s so triggering to him but he does have a temper which is what scares him. He is like paranoid he’s going to become a product of his environment so he goes against that as much as he can but if people come for his family or anything he would lose it.

Can be aloof.

 Has a hard time trusting anyone has good motives or will stick around because of much he’s been abandoned and how manipulative the people in his mums were.

He’s cynical.

 He really holds onto grudges pretty easily.

His ass is pretty sarcastic and witty, a huge smart ass.

 He’s not into commitment right now or he’s avoiding. Like the only examples he’s ever seen of relationships have been a mess and it’s not exactly his priority. ( but lbr  whats the fun in that. )

 He tries to abstain from alcohol but he finds that pretty hard. When he does he tends to drink pretty heavily which is why he tries not to because he knows it obviously has caused his mum so much grief.

 Hes an escapist.

 He’s really super protective though, of the people he does have in his life I think he really wants to give those people the things he didn’t have so he overcompensates and would literally fight whatever or whoever for the people around him.

he hates authority.

•He definitely is really big into art but that’s also something really personal he doesn’t share much and he knows like that isn’t going to provide for his family which is exactly why he's done finance.

Connections:

MY FAVE PART!!!

Long lost half sibling aka the child his dad had after he abandoned him

Someone who is a super good influence on his sisters ( id die for this.. )

Strangers who found out they were hooking up with the same person then became friends or enemies. ( my man a nastie sometimes. )

A FWB someone he can mess with and end up talk a little deeply with bc they think its not serious.

ANYONE who is a kid of one of his mums exes, like someone she dated, bc whew why not.

a rebound, someone he used to try to get over his ex!!

a fucking roomie plssss :) ( or past roomie, he lived off campus for 3 years so defs room for multiples ) this person rlly saw... everything

someone who went on a couple dates/ messed around but then realised omg we’d be so much better off as friends, somoene who rlly has each others back.

ooo someone who has an unrequited crush on him

Or someone he hates but yknow someone who he has mad sexual tension with ( hate meaning they lowkey would ravage each other )

One of his close confidants, someone who is basically one of the few people he can confide in.

An “ex “ who he broke up without much explanation.

His dealer ( smh im the worst )

Some co workers that has his back.

Potentially someone he’s fought against esp someone who does boxing too. es

Someone on his soccer team.

he very into art, so potentially someone who he might connect or do that with, he defs shows stuff sometimes but VVVV rarely.

someone he maybe wasnt that close w/ but he knows from back home so they’d suspect about his home life and he just is not having the prying :)

Honestly any connections im down. THE USUAL, bestfriends, etc etc

[liquidstar]

whenever you are ready, I would LOVE to hear about why each roommate pair was chosen :3c

im SO SORRY this is like a week late but when it comes to typing long stuff it can take me a while to jump past that bridge even if i REALLY want to, its just the adhdyslexic way... BUT i finally typed it all and im glad i did :) im going to put it under the cut of course

 I should preface this by also saying something I didn’t say before, the roommate pair system likes to follow a pretty strong “opposites attract” type model, it plays into the theme of duality and completion and “other halves” especially in regards to Iris and Crocus (The former of which having founded the school and set this system to begin with lol) so that’s something you’re gonna see a lot here. Anyway,

Amary and Rue are kind of a special case because since Amary was admitted into the school late and Rue was the only person without a roommate there was no one else to pair her with to begin with. But Rue is also special here, because there’s hardly ever been a student without a roommate from the get-go (Some people might drop out) but the crystal ball was ADAMANT about not pairing her up with anyone. At first Plumeria assumed it was because she’d be some type of problem child given her whole punk-rock thing, but in reality the crystal ball just knew that Amary would be admitted into the school later on. It can tell the future, it was looking ahead. Amary and Rue both needed each other to force the other to be better whether they wanted to or not.

Sorrel and Aloe also force the good out of each other, but rather than rivalry it’s the fact that both of them have a really strong genuine desire to become better people for each other and both feel a sense of obligation and protection to the other, so they really do help each other out a lot. They’re not perfect at it by any means because they’re still both dumb teenage boys but they make each other want to try

Carnation and Pine were paired together because their magic types are complementary and so are their ways of approaching them, they need to learn from each other. While Pine’s magic is all about innovation and the future, Carnation’s is very rooted in tradition and is seemingly set in stone. Carnation needs to adapt Pine’s sense of innovation to make something new with her magic, something only she can do. And in order for Pine to find constant inspiration sometimes they have to look back on the past. 

Geran and Fennel seem to have opposite problems that could cancel each other out if they actually cooperated. Geran doesn’t let himself express his feelings while Fennel is overemotional, basically they just need to learn a middle ground from each other and become… A stable current. That’s a water pun AND electricity pun.

Musk and Gallica should seem obvious, beyond being siblings and they literally need to be touching in some way to use their magic in major ways. Not pairing them up together would have just been a dumb move. Not to mention the fact that the only reason Gallica was even admitted into the school to begin with is because of Musk.

Daisy and Protea were just both good fits for each other, their magic types seem unrelated but compliment each other well, one is incredibly passive and the other very active, which also reflects their personalities. They basically have what the other lacks in that regard, but unlike certain others they both get along incredibly well.

Maggie and Tam are childhood friends, so like Gallica and Musk it’s pretty much a no-brainer that they got paired together. But aside from that they can both be pretty hard to have as roommates for one reason or another, but since they’ve already known each other so long they already work really well together and make an incredibly dynamic team. 

Hyacinth and Holly got paired together because no matter what Hyacinth says, Holly will always try to push them to be better, and no matter what Holly says Hyacinth will always stop her from doing something stupid. Together they can be competent wizards against their own wills.

Sun and Moon also got paired up together because the fact that they’ve known each other for so long makes them a better team, but also because they would have probably been too resistant to other roommates.

Cherry and Camellia got paired up together because Cherry has literally not felt fear in years so she’d have no problem rooming with someone who has basically ghost magic, and Camellia needs Cherry around as an example of how to be nicer and less gloomy all the time.

Zinnia and Pansy absolutely need each other to encourage the others jackassery, this MIGHT sound like a bad thing on paper but if you take their magic types into consideration it’s actually something that’ll help them both improve. That being said though, Pansy is the more responsible one with more chill vibes that wouldn’t let things to TOO far, and Zinnia needs that.

Bluebell and Heliotrope are partners because even though Heliotrope is very smart and capable, they’re also kind of an airhead that doesn’t work all too hard. So they need Bluebell there to boss them around and make them do work, and Bluebell needs Heliotrope around to show him how to relax for a bit and not burn out.

Fungus and Cactus got paired up together because Cactus has the most sort of parental personality, basically a “mom friend”, and that something Fungus needs since he’s younger and more socially isolated than most of his classmates, and Cactus is the other person who can look past his weirdness and just kind of laugh at it.

Violet and Cori are roommates for a similar reason, Cori can be very nice and supportive side, but she’s also a lot more laid back and it was important for Violet to have someone like that with her who isn’t completely overbearing like her brother. 

Almond and Primrose got paired up together because Almond sort of lacks creativity while Primrose has an abundance of it, and stuff like that can be important when you’re a wizard and really affect the way you use magic, he basically has to follow her lead until he gets it himself. Meanwhile he’s also around to talk her out of her overly eccentric or complex ideas, sometimes simple problems need simple solutions. 

Jonquil and Lavender got paired up together because Jonquil is easily a lot more athletic while Lavender is a lot smarter, they basically both have those qualities the other lacks. Jonquil isn’t the smartest and outside of his magic Lavender isn’t the most physical guy, in fact his magic requires very minimal movement despite being active, but they’re also both incredibly willing to help the other out. 

Lotus and Bamboo are a good fit because Bamboo is someone who is simultaneously very active and vigorous but still very soft in nature, she’d need a roommate that can match that tempo, while at the same time Lotus needs a roommate who’d inspire him to be more active himself instead of just thinking: being a healer=being passive

Celosia and Heather were paired up because Celosia is pretty much one of the only people who wouldn’t give into Heather’s bossyness no matter what but still wouldn’t care enough to actually start any serious drama. She’s just indifferent, which is good for Celosia and also good for Heather, because she needs someone like that to keep her from getting a big head.

Delphi and Lisia were paired up together because Delphi really needs a partner who would keep her from going too far while also having strong enough magic to stop her if she does. And Lisia needs someone who will force her to be more assertive if needed, even if the need to be assertive stemmed from them. 

Clove and Hazel are partners because Clove is someone who can talk Hazel down from being too eccentric about stuff while still not being too soft or too shy to deal with their antics, and Hazel is someone who can put Clove in situations that he hasn’t been in before, good and bad.

Nep and Buttercup are roommates because Buttercup has a need to be a “one of a kind” while Nep is a straight-up copycat, they basically are both incredibly annoyed with the other because of this but Nep has to learn that she’s her own person and Buttercup has to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around her, they just both force each other into that.

Cowslip and Ginger were a very obvious choice because they compliment each other very very well, both have southern themes and animal-related magic, they’re both two people that can just relate to each other and build functioning teamwork off that. 

Viscaria and Arum are paired up together because Arum can help Viscaria take it easy while Viscaria can help Arum have more energy, both pumping each other up and calming each other down depending on what the situation entails. 

Mint and Snowdrop are partners because both of their problems cancel each other out. Mint is overly paranoid and Snowdrop is kind of a jerk at first, neither of them would get along with ANY roommate. But because Mint steers clear of Snowdrop, Snowdrop leaves him alone, which in turn makes Mint less paranoid. They both have to learn to overcome these issues if they want to be a real team though. 

[lilacjaemin]

daisies

pairing: prince!jeno x gender neutral reader

genre: fluffy angst oh yes (plus lil commentaries hehe)

word count: 4.5k

summary: daisies symbolize true love – each daisy is really two flowers blended together in harmony, the center petals are one flower surrounded by the “rays” of another. they mean purity and innocence, one that swears a loyalty to love and a commitment to a shared secrecy. 

a/n: thank you to jeno for being my biggest muse!! oh also thank you to payton for helping me research flowers for this <3

·     royal prince!jeno can’t wait to rule his people and his beautiful kingdom full of flower fields and forests

·     but he can wait a little longer to get married

·     and one night the royal family throws a dinner party and a ball filled with suitors for their son

·     but jeno can’t take the stuffy atmosphere and the hundreds of girls trying to dance with him

·     so he runs off to his favorite spot in his kingdom

·     these rolling hills covered in daisies

·     it’s this pretty valley that nobody else knows about sometimes he goes there when his royal duties are too much and he needs to get away

·     but when he arrives he stumbles across you laying on the hill stargazing, engulfed in the flowers

·     he had no idea anyone else knew about this place

·     he really doesn’t wanna be around any more people tonight but in the dim moonlight he can make out the features of your face

·     he’s never seen you around the castle, and by what you’re wearing you definitely didn’t just run away from the same ball

·     so he carefully approaches and asks if he can join you

·     you sit up, freaked out that someone found this secret spot of yours

·     the figure is in a white button up and a dark blue suit jacket with gold swirls

·     he looks expensive but his eyes are kind

·     so you say okay

·     when he sits down next to you, he smells of many different expensive perfumes, which you find weird

·     you ask what he’s doing out here because by the looks of his dark suit he probably should be at some ball

·     and he says “yeah i should be.”

·     what?

·     and that’s when you notice the gold coronet resting neatly in his hair

·     ohhhhh he’s the prince

·     you’re sitting on the ground with the prince

·     the future king jeno

·     o k a y

·     suddenly jeno thinks he hears something and he’s paranoid of his parents’ royal guards finding him and this spot so he turns to you like did you hear that??

·     and before you could respond, out of nowhere he grabs you?? and dives into the flowers

·     your hands against his chest preventing you from smacking into him

·     he’s pulled you super close, his breathing rapid and eyes closed

·     you’re a little frozen, still in shock the prince just tackled you

·     he waits, realizing he probably just heard a squirrel or something

·     the ~kdrama~ moment happens where he opens his eyes and finds himself staring into yours

·     time stops for a split second, the wind ruffling the grass and daisies surrounding you two

·     and then he regains his composure and helps you up again

·     “are you okay? im so sorry! oh, that was so weird and creepy i just cant get caught out here.”

·     you blink slowly, the surprise wearing off

·     “yeah im totally fine.”

·     well maybe physically, but your heart?? about to beat out of your chest!!

·     jeno reaches his hand out and brushes a strand out of your face, smoothing out the rest of your disheveled hair

·     you swore fire ignited from his fingertips

·     you have to change the subject before you lose it

·     “so…you said you should be at a ball right now?” you clear your throat and brush yourself off

·     “ah, my family is pressing me to find a suitable partner. lately it’s just been dinner after dinner, dance after dance, i hate it.” he sighs, laying back into the hillside

·     “you hate people trying to get your attention?”

·     “i want to marry once i fall in love, not because they would be a good ruler of the kingdom.”

·     “i see.” you whisper, laying down beside him

·     “ i love my family, i love this kingdom and i can’t wait to rule but i wish that one part of my life could be normal. i tried to have the most normal childhood i could manage. i did everything i could to grow up and feel like everyone else, but nobody else has to have arranged marriages, so why do i?”

·     you stay quiet, soaking his words in, watching the moon as jeno continues to your right

·     “love seems incredible. i just wanna experience it for real. i don’t want someone ive only met a handful of times before our wedding, no matter how extravagant the whole thing is. i’ve tried so many times to explain to my parents that i can rule by myself for the time being and then ill find a partner, but they won’t let me.”

·     you listen to his worries, the whole time not realizing that your hand had made its way to rest on jeno’s arm

·     it’s something you do to comfort others, but he turns his head to look at you and you immediately pull away

·     you start apologizing, saying how it’s just a habit you have, but he stops you

·     “no no it’s okay, it feels nice to have someone really listening to me.” he smiles

·     oh his smile is beautiful, it shines brighter than the moon above

·     “i never get to hang out with other people my age and not have a bunch of royalty stuff looming over my head.”

·     you were just in awe that the prince who has it all is unhappy and you feel so bad and just wanna hug him because honestly he’s so cute

·     you listen while he rants about his duties and how stuck up some of the royal advisors are and how every suitor he meets is in it just for the wealth, they don’t really care about the him as a person

·     he asks what your take on it is and you talk about your views on love

·     you’re saying how you think it’s the most beautiful thing and that you’ve seen it in your parents and you want it so badly, but it always feels like all of the people in town don’t want a serious relationship

·     “i want to meet someone that makes every star look pale in comparison. i come out here to look at the night sky and hope that somewhere, the one i’m meant to be with is looking at it too.”

·     and jeno nods

·     he completely understands

·     “my family says i’m crazy for thinking that way. but i work in a library, im surrounded by incredible stories of romance, how can i not hope for one myself?”

·     he’s fascinated at the fact that you can date normally but don’t because you say there’s no one out there

·     jeno assures you there’s people out there, he has to meet with them constantly, he just never gets along with any of them

·     you talk about royal life into the late hours of the night

·     jeno is just so happy to have someone genuinely interested in his thoughts and feelings

·     he’s giddy, ranting about his plans for the kingdom and his goals for the future

·     you don’t know when you drift off, but you remember hearing his warm voice fade away

·     and you fall asleep on his shoulder

·     jeno doesn’t remember when he drifts off, but he remembers feeling your warmth at his side

·     when he wakes up at sunrise, jeno is like oh i‘m so dead they’re never gonna let me out of the castle ever again !!

·     but he looks at you, sleeping peacefully against him with daisies framing your face

·     he feels his heart do a backflip

·     is this how it’s supposed to feel? there’s not supposed to be a sense of dread pooling in his stomach like there is when a suitor walks in? interesting

·     gently waking you up, he tells you he has to run to get back to the castle

·     but he promises you he’ll do everything he can to come back to this spot to meet you and stargaze again

·     “i’ll be here.” you say sleepily, smiling at his messy hair

·     when he gets home his parents are like oh you are in so much trouble we threw that ball for you and you LEFT?? AND WE SEARCHED ALL OVER AND COULDNT FIND YOU?? WE THOUGHT YOU WERE KIDNAPPED??

·     and jeno is like um. oops? trying to contain his smile when he thinks of you and your soft hand on his arm

·     he gets read the riot act and is told if it happens again there will be serious consequences

·     and jeno never gets in trouble so this is big

·     but he’s willing to take the risk

·     for weeks he sneaks out and runs to the field each and every night

·     finding more reasons to love being in your company than there are stars in the sky

·     one night before dawn broke you stopped playing with the hem of your shirt

·     “i was thinking about what you told me the first night we met.” you say, eyes glued to the ground

·     “i know you’ll find somebody, and not just because you’re a prince. you will find someone who loves you for your heart, not just the riches.”

·     he stares at you, something in his eyes you couldn’t quite pin

·     jeno was glad it was dark, if not you would’ve seen the red dusting on his cheeks

·     “y-you’ll find someone too. i know it.”

·     its quiet for a minute and then very subtly, jeno grabs your hand

·     “is this okay?”

·     “of course it is. now can you tell me about the secret royal garden? i heard its incredible.”

·     you lay on your side and spend the rest of the night finding the stars in his eyes

·     another dinner is scheduled, this time with the family of a neighboring kingdom

·     this family has a daughter the same age as jeno

·     he knows in his gut that his parents want him to be with her

·     but he can’t shake the feeling of your hands in his

·     it’s where they belong

·     nevertheless, he fake smiles through the meal, tensing when she tries to reach for his arm across the table

·     after the disaster of a dinner, jeno sneaks away again

·     you can tell by the look on his face that he needs a hug

·     “i don’t want to be with her.” he breathes into your neck

·     “you’re sure you can’t talk to your parents about this?” you say, running your hand through his dark hair

·     “they don’t listen. i’ve tried, they just won’t listen.”

·     you hold him close, wracking your brain for a solution to this problem

·     but there seems to be none

·     jeno creeps back to the castle after spending the whole night wrapped in your arms

·     but the queen is waiting for him in his chamber when he opens the door

·     he’s banned from leaving the castle without supervision until he gets married

·     he’s never sent out unless it’s with a guard

·     he’s devastated and frustrated because he wants to sneak away to you but someone is always watching

·     he feels like he lost the one person who understood him the most

·     one day he goes into the castle library in an effort to get some peace

·     to his surprise, you are working in the front

·     you hear a gasp and when you look up jeno stands before you

·     “this library? you work in the castle and never told me!?”

·     “no, the town’s library is overstaffed because of the summer, so i took the job opening here. i always waited for you to come in and find out, but i guess you don’t use the library as much as i imagined.” you laugh

·     your heart is beating like crazy seeing him again

·     you bring him to your favorite little poetry corner, out of view of the entrance

·     huddled in amongst the books he takes hold of your hands

·     you can see him visibly relax when he feels your palms against his

·     “im so sorry, i tried so hard to go meet you but they have guards on me at all times. they won’t let me out of their sight.” he looks frantic

·     “jeno, i’ll wait however long it takes to be together. i still go to our spot every night, i still wait for you. i always will.” you reassure him

·     his brows unfurrow and he smiles, pulling you close to his chest

·     his heartbeat is soothing against your cheek and you realize just how much you missed him

·     “oh, i have something for you.” you reach into the last of the shelves, pulling out a thick worn book

·     he watches in confusion as you open to a page in the center

·     “here, i pressed these for you. for the nights when you can’t come visit, just know i’m there.” you show him two dry daisies, careful not to blow them away

·     his face lights up, gently taking the book from you and running a finger over their stems

·     he’s about to thank you when you hear someone call for him from the door

·     he frowns and shuts the book, tucking it under his arm

·     he presses a soft kiss to your forehead before scurrying off, leaving your skin burning and your mind dizzy

·     jeno’s parents are sure the princess from the neighboring kingdom is the one

·     and jeno can feel his stomach drop to his feet when they tell him

·     desperate to get to you, he tricks his guards into getting him something from the other side of the castle

·     he shimmies down his balcony and runs as fast as his legs can take him to the field before they can send search parties out for him

·     he grabs you by your shoulders and frantically tells you that they’re arranging his marriage

·     but it’s not what he wants, he can’t stop thinking about you

·     “jeno.” you whisper, pointing behind him

·     you see lanterns come over the hill and horses trample over the flowers

·     jeno stands in front of you to protect you but guards pull him away

·     he’s yelling at them to stop but they’re angry

·     you feel like you can’t breathe

·     one of the advisors recognizes you from the library and tells you never to come back to the castle

·     you stand and watch with teary eyes as jeno is dragged away and the candles fade into the night

·     a few weeks go by and you get word that the prince is betrothed to marry the princess and you’re absolutely heartbroken

·     you know jeno doesn’t want that

·     and even if it isn’t you that gets to be with him, you still want him to be happy

·     out of a job, you ask a family friend who works as a florist to hire you

·     “of course! we need all the help we can get for this wedding!”

·     oh no

·     your heart breaks even more but your family needs the money

·     you arrive a few days before to set up the decor and pray the the guards from that night don’t recognize you

·     and as much as it hurts, you hope you don’t run into jeno

·     but to your dismay he walks in with the princess and you feel your world collapse

·     you meet his gaze while they check on the ballroom’s set up and you can see the light behind his eyes go dim

·     suddenly he yells “NO! THIS IS ALL WRONG! WE NEED TO HAVE A MEETING TO DISCUSS THE DECOR IMMEDIATELY!”

·     he finds a way to break away from the princess just for a second and whispers to meet him at a different spot tonight

·     he says it’s under the willow tree at the edge of the forest by the stream and you nod

·     “the flower arrangements around the altar are hideous.” he goes back to frowning, trying his hardest not to steal glances at you anymore

·     you are sure there’s no way he could get away again but lo and behold you hear footsteps approaching

·     you run into jeno’s arms, worried this would be the last time you could ever hold him

·     he cups your cheeks, staring into your eyes

·     “we don’t have much time but i promise i’m not marrying her. we’ll figure something out, we’ll run away together, we’ll do something, but i promise i am not marrying her.”

·     he tries to assure you it’ll all be okay and he’s so certain it will be that you begin to believe him

·     but you hear footsteps again

·     lots of them

·     and you and jeno can hardly see because of the tears in both your eyes but you can hear the impending doom

·     there aren’t even words to say to each other, its over

·     it’s all over now

·     he kisses your forehead, then your cheek, letting his lips linger against your skin

·     jeno is ripped from your arms and both of you are taken back to the castle

·     they throw you in the dungeon and tell you that you’re going to have a meeting with the king and queen in the morning

·     you sit on the cold stone floor and cry into your palms, desperately trying to remember how jeno’s lips felt on your face

·     the next day you’re led out in shackles

·     you sit in front of the royals and the queen is furious

·     she’s yelling how dare you try and ruin her kingdom by getting in the way of her son’s relationship, how dare you still try and meet with him after everything that’s happened

·     she’s close to banishing you from the kingdom entirely when jeno runs in, “don’t you understand? im in love with them!” 

·     jeno loves you

·     “would you rather the kingdom be run by a miserable king or a happy one?” he’s crying and you want nothing more than to wipe his tears away but the shackles keep you planted to the ground

·     you’re exhausted and cold and sad and hungry and you have no fight left in you

·     the queen can’t believe what she’s hearing

·     “you would put your future people in danger for this peasant?”

·     “i would rather give up the throne entirely than marry that princess.”

·     “how could you say that? i didn’t raise you this way! i raised you to be a selfless leader!”

·     “how could you expect me to lead these people well if im unhappy?”

·     she pauses momentarily, a softness seeping into her eyes, but it quickly fades when she looks back at you

·     the queen is still fuming

·     “we’re going ahead with the arranged marriage and that’s final, jeno.”

·     she turns to you and tells you after you’re done helping with the wedding you’re never going to see jeno ever again

·     he cries out, running to kneel in front of you and taking your face in his hands

·     “jeno,” you say weakly, “its okay. i hope you can find happiness.” you try to smile for him but everything hurts

·     his mother watches the sad scene unfold in front of her with a tightlipped expression

·     “and i love you too, moonlight.” you whisper

·     he laughs bitterly, tears falling onto your heavy arms

·     he leans forward to kiss you

·     but his guards grab him and take him away before his lips reach yours

·     he yells your name all the way down the hall, kicking and thrashing to try and break free

·     you hang your head in sadness and feel a sob wrack through your body

·     its over

·     the day of the wedding arrives and you solemnly finish the bouquet for the bride

·     you fill it with orange mock flowers (they represent deceit) quickly hiding the daisies they had brought for it instead

·     you try to find someone to deliver it to her but everyone is bustling around trying to add the final touches

·     you trudge to her chamber and knock, hoping to place the flowers down and leave as soon as possible

·     but she invites you inside and you dig your nails in your palms to keep it together

·     she’s pretty, but from what jeno has told you about her the only thing she cares about is power

·     “so i heard you’re the one who tried to break us up.” she says through an unnerving smile

·     you stay silent

·     “its such a shame really. jeno is really torn up over you. he’s too sad to think straight. he sits in bed with this old poetry book, but he never turns the page. i think he’s gone crazy, he doesn’t even speak! but i won’t need him for much longer. once i’m in line for the throne i won’t even need to look at him.” she twirls her finger around the center of the bouquet

·     “and when i’m queen, you’ll be banished. it’s a win win!” she laughs, brushing past you to leave, “oh, and do stay for the wedding. i wanna make sure you see this.” you can hear the venom laced in her words

·     your hands are numb, four dark crescents in each palm

·     jeno stands at the altar in his dark blue suit, the same from the night you met him

·     he’s pale, rings of purple under his eyes, his hands in fists, a daisy in his pocket, you can tell he’s biting his cheek

·     you stand behind the tall vase at the back of the ballroom, peeking through the flowers

·     the music begins and in walks the princess, and jeno has never looked unhappier in his life

·     he’s barely holding her hands, nothing like the way he held yours

·     the priest asks if he takes this woman to be his lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, for as long as they both shall live

·     you hold your breath

·     it’s silent

·     the princess is smiling, but if looks could kill jeno would’ve been struck down immediately

·     “jeno?”

·     silence

·     a tear rolls down his face and you can see his body visibly shake

·     “no.” he says as firmly as he can

·     the crowd gasps

·     he drops her hands and begins to walk off when the king comes up next to him

·     “you better get back up there right now and finish this.”

·     “no.”

·     “what did you just say?”

·     “i said no, i’m saying no, i’ve been saying no. ever since i was little i’ve thought about what it would be like when i fell in love for the first time. i’d see the way you looked at mom and i thought i can’t wait for the day where i love someone so much i look at them the same way. and funny enough i did find that love. i fell in love in a field of flowers with someone who is more beautiful inside and out than the moon and all the stars combined. i finally found the prettiest flower of them all and i won’t stop fighting for them.”

·     he pauses and turns to look at his dad

·     “i know im going against your word, but you always told me a good king was one who finds strength in those around him, one who grows and rules to the best of his ability, and i’m the strongest when i’m with them, dad.”

·     he turns to the crowd, desperation dripping off his words

·     “i want to be a ruler you’re all proud of, but what kind of king would i be if i didn’t fight for what i want most?”

·     you didn’t realize you were crying until your tears ran down your neck

·     the queen stands up and you fear the worst for both you and jeno

·     “you really love them? you love them this much?”

·     “mother, i’ve always wanted true love. you know that. and i can’t see myself with anyone else.”

·     the princess is throwing daggers with her eyes behind them

·     the queen pauses for a moment and without turning around she says “come up here.”

·     you hesitantly walk up the aisle in your raggedy work clothes, your heartbeat pounding between your ears at all the eyes on you

·     jeno gasps “you were still here?”

·     “in no way are you ready to become royalty let alone a ruler, but i’ve never seen jeno stand up to us like this before, and i must admit it hurt my heart to not be able to give him the true love he wished for all these years. it’s not that i didn’t want him to experience it, i just wanted him to have the best partner for ruling over his people. but i think i caused more harm than good in doing so. you seem to really love him, and that’s all a mother could ever want for her child. if you promise to take all of the classes and lessons you need and work extremely hard to learn about this kingdom and what’s best for it, i’ll agree to you dating him. if you meet my husband’s and my approval, then maybe we can discuss marriage.”

·     “what!? absolutely not!” the princess stomps her foot “i’m supposed to be queen!”

·     “you never cared about my son anyway. get in your carriage and go back to your kingdom.” the king hisses

·     she throws her bouquet to the ground and storms out

·     both you and jeno are speechless, silent tears rolling down your faces

·     you thank the queen endlessly, promising to do whatever it takes

·     you cling on to him, trying not to collapse to the floor

·     “i almost lost you.” you say into the fabric of his suit

·     “never.” he mumbles into your hair

·     you walk hand in hand, fingers intertwined, back to your field

·     you lay down in the flowers and never let go of each other

·     tears wiped away with kisses

·     fingertips tracing the shape of your mouth

·     as the stars begin to poke out of the sky jeno connects your lips

·     it isn’t until the sun peeks up over the hill that he pulls away

·     and a year to the day you first met the prince in the valley, you stand in the same place, amongst the same daisies, under the same stars, reciting vows to each other’s teary eyes

[flightless-icarus]

may 20, 2020

so, since this is for my therapist, i wont be doing much introductions. yall will just have to get to know me as this goes if anyone else besides her is reading this.

today wasn't very eventful, or productive. i mean, it was a little productive, i got some of my panels done for my comic! i think about 3 or 4? i want to do a few more before i go to bed since i need to be doing 10ish a day to meet my quota. or im not gonna meet my deadline. i worry about not meeting that deadling a lot, im scared i wont be able to meet it. and i really feel like i shouldn't and cant miss this opportunity.

so as of right now, im a bit upset. it's 11pm and my mom went to take a shower, and, i know i said last time that i shouldnt be snooping but i keep getting super paranoid about them talking about me and what they're planning because, like everyone else ive ever lived with, is pretty quick to kick me out without even mentioning anything.

so i read her texts between her and my dad, and they were pretty hurtful?? i keep worrying, especially now, that i am the problem. like my dad mentioned in texts to my mom that "she hasn't talked to me in 10 days, why is she even here? is this still supposed to be part of her growth?"

1. ive been here for 2 months, who expected any growth in 2 months? especially when im still in the process of trying to solve problems and work through problems,  and 2. WHY would i want to talk to him? plus he hasnt talked to me!!! why does he think he can complain about me not talking to him when he hasn't done the same thing with me in 10 days!!

but, idk. anyway, i feel like im the problem. shitty situations follow me around and i feel like i just can't click with people anymore. i feel like im the toxic one, especially after reading those messages about my mom telling my dad she things im just full of myself, and him saying im this ungrateful, wasteful, disrespectful human being and how i trigger him so much and he's so scared i'll use shit against him, but he doesn't care to think about my feelings either?

i dont think im ungrateful, im grateful im being given a place to stay, but im not a fan of having to live with him again considering how much bullshit he put me through growing up. if i had somewhere else to go, and money to do it, i'd probably spit in his face and tell him to never speak to me again.

id love to get away from him again. despite the paranoia of him showing up at my door when i lived in oregon,  it still felt so amazing to be away from him. i know my mom isn't great but i dont know i still like her. i probably shouldnt, since she thinks im just as insufferable as he thinks.

i feel like im reverting back to how i was when i lived here the first time. i feel like theyre erasing all the progress ive made over the years with my ability to speak out when i feel likeim not being treated right. i dont even feel like i agree with the things theyre saying about me in text?? im not a bad person?? im not full of myself, or acting aggressively (unless provoked), and im not being ungrateful. im a little wasteful but that has a lot to do with my food anxiety. i wont eat anything if its been in the fridge for longer than a couple days, so i throw a lot of stuff out. and i feel bad, but if i eat it, even if its good, the anxiety of eating it will make me sick. and that just feeds the "see i shouldn't have eaten that, it made me sick"

i feel like i dont belong, i feel like im not welcome anywhere. i just want to move out and live alone and just die alone. i feel like thats the route im heading anyway.

i still find myself forcing myself not to cry, even right now.

im sad, im hurt. i feel like im the problem. i feel unwanted everywhere i go, i even feel like my own best friend only talks to me out of pity. i always worry she doesn't actually want to speak to me, she just does because she feels bad and doesn't want to take away the only friend i have. she knows shes my only friend. and has been for like 3 years now.

ive been feeling a lot of either nothing or sadness lately too, but tonights just worse that normal. part of it is from the Joker movie and part of it is from reading those texts. i want to say theyre gaslighting or theyre just saying that shit to get in my head, but those are private conversations, those are genuine, private thoughts theyre having. i mean... maybe theyre having those thoughts because they feel like im some awful person so their view of me is bad?? i dont know. i really dont. i always kinda thought my mom was at least sorta on my side, especially when she complains so much about how badly he talks about me and how she hates that he hates me.

i thought she was at least with me on this but i dont know. i dont know, and i dont like that i dont know. i dont know who to trust, or how to feel. i just feel like i should start keeping my mouth shut again because thats when the peace was being kept the best.

"dont speak unless spoken to".

right now, im: sad, anxious, a little nauseous, even sadder now that my cat has gotten off my lap, i have a headahce, and im tired but i dont think ill be able to sleep. i want to cry, i have the lump in my throat, but i don (i ended it here)

[sineluce-velius-tristitia]

Into the Deep End

Newt didn’t know what possessed him to come.

Maybe it was to see for himself that the most dangerous Dark wizard is properly locked up behind a cage. To assure that the man who had done horrible, despicable things had been properly apprehended; that there was no chance for Gellert Grindelwald to hurt another person.

But it wasn’t because of that.

Righteous, good intentions aside, Newt is terribly curious of this man.

A wizard of great power and influence, of genius and charm that attracts people enough to become his fanatics. A wizard of whose past is intertwined with Albus Dumbledore.

Newt stands there, in the bowels of MACUSA’s holding cells, practicing long acquired skills of stealth to sneak around unnoticed by the guards assigned just for a single—but incredibly dangerous—wizard.

He’d left his creatures with Queenie, not quite trusting but the alternative of leaving his creatures unguarded for any span of time was unbearable. The memory of his case being impounded was still entirely too fresh and a wave of fear at the mere thought made him a bit more paranoid.

Easily getting past the guards, Newt is surprised to find that nothing else is set up as defense. A superficial scan of the wards told him why. They had focused too much on keeping someone in rather than putting just as much effort in keeping unwanted people out. As it stands, Newt wouldn’t have any problems going in as long as he was careful.

It seems finding the cell he wanted wouldn’t be an issue. All the cells are unoccupied except for one.

He stops right in front of it, a frown knotting at his forehead still quite unsure why he had risked sneaking into one of the most guarded part of MACUSA. Pardoned he may be for smuggling his creatures and risking the Statute, he is still on thin ice.

“I don’t suppose staring into nothing would solve your problems, Mister Scamander.”

The voice is raspy and hoarse but lacking none of its confident lilt. Even with a heavily protected door between them, Grindelwald is every bit the wizard who had taunted and tortured him in the subway. Absently, Newt noted that a silencing charm was not one of the spells cast on the cells.

With a side glance to where he had come from, Newt cast a privacy charm around them, one that wouldn’t interfere with the wards.

The silence from the other side of the door was quite unnerving but even then, Newt doesn’t say anything. He stood there, arms crossed and hunched over, staring at the door separating him and Grindelwald.

Newt wonders why he could not muster fear or anger at the man who had taken his creatures away from him no matter how short of a time it had been. Wonders why there’s nothing but curiosity for a man who caused so much unneeded violence.

I’m not one of Grindelwald’s fanatics, he had said to the man. And he wasn’t. But a part of him always had been curious what made them fanatics. There has to be a reason why a single wizard could amass such a following.

Then, quite sudden and out of the blue, laughter full of mirth rang from the other side. It’s surprising, and the malevolent undercurrent of it made Newt shudder unconsciously.

“I seem to have underestimated you, Mister Scamander. But, ah, I see it now; what makes Albus Dumbledore so fond of you. Is there anything you wouldn’t do for your creatures?” Here, Newt scowls but still doesn’t talk. “I’ve seen what you do for them, walked through their homes and admired how seamlessly they exist. Danger doesn’t seem to be a word you adhere to.”

There’s a bitter aftertaste in his mouth as he swallowed when reminded by the fact the man had trampled over his case—his home. Nothing had been out of place when he had checked, not even the obscurus Grindelwald had taken out.

“I think it’s time for you to go now.” Newt could hear the smile from the man’s tone of voice. “We will meet again.”

It’s six months before Gellert Grindelwald made his presence known again.

Newt isn’t the least bit surprised the man had managed to escape. What does surprise him is when he finds a herd of thestrals loitering about in the street near his home in London. There’s a young chimaera too, affectionate enough that it lets Newt near without fuss.

“Hello, little one.” Newt coos as it climbs up to his shoulder. It leans on his fingers when he reached up to pet it. Pickett curiously peeks out from the lapel of his coat and climbs up to where the chimaera had settled. They had a staring contest before Pickett huffed and settled back down to his favorite place.

Newt chuckles affectionately, “Pickett seems to like you well enough. Now who might you be?” A small scrap of parchment is stuck on its back and Newt quickly reads it.

His name is Antonio. Keep him with you. You may do as you please with the thestrals.

The handwriting is unfamiliar. He couldn’t think of anyone who would send him anything of the sort and it’s more than suspicious. Perhaps he should send word to Theseus at the least. But contact with his brother isn’t something he wanted to do unless it was absolutely needed.

“You weren’t sent by someone bad, were you?” Newt asked of the thestrals and Antonio.

The small chimaera merely made a high pitched guttural sound at the back of its throat in response.

Newt smiles before clicking his tongue, calling the attention of the thestrals nosing curiously at the potted plants of the neighboring houses. He frowns when he noticed how thin they looked—thinner than how a thestral should be.

“Oh you poor dears,” Newt sighed, nuzzling one of the creatures. “We should get you somewhere more suitable for your needs.”

He leads them to his home where he had spent months in when the Ministry sanctioned his travelling ban. It’s roomier than his case but Newt missed being able to travel, being able to set his creatures free to where they belong instead of cooped up in a beautiful cage.

They may be replications of their home but it was a cage nonetheless.

A cold nose nudged his cheek and Newt smiled wryly. He can’t keep a herd of thestrals in his home. Perhaps he could send them to Hogwarts once they’re in perfect health.

It’s another month before the monotony of scouring through London and getting rid of his tails was broken when Antonio—who had taken residence on his person just as much as Pickett had—suddenly jumped down from his pocket and ran through the streets.

Newt, already used to such behavior from his other creatures, quickly scampered off to follow the chimaera.

He manage to catch up to the creature near an alley and had only managed to cradle him close to his chest, ready to scold him running off, when a hand grabbed his shoulder and the familiar feeling of apparation swallowed him.

They appear on a rooftop of some building, the wind whipping away at his overcoat.

“I did say we will meet again, Mister Scamander.”

Newt barely managed to cover a flinch of surprise but he does back away from the voice. Standing before him, head tilted to the side, is Gellert Grindelwald. There’s no trace of the months he spent in MACUSA’s custody.

It hits him that this is the first time he sees the Dark Lord as himself. Nothing in the Dark wizard’s face or body but the mask of Gellert Grindelwald. There’s nothing to blindside Newt this time, nothing to defend himself with, no barriers of any kind. Except, perhaps, Newt’s own ignorance.

The other wizard seems to be waiting for a response so Newt composes himself, “You did say that.”

In his hands, Antonio wriggles about and peeks up at Newt and then to Grindelwald. To his bemusement, Grindelwald reaches out a hand. “May I?”

Newt stares, unsure for a moment, before he realizes what the Dark Lord wanted. Instinctively, Newt lets Antonio out of his grasp, watching as the little chimaera crawled over to Grindelwald’s hand willingly. It was strange, seeing the intimidating wizard holding the creature carefully.

“I’m glad to see you’ve kept Antonio.” Grindelwald lifted the creature to Newt’s shoulder and let it go. “I’m afraid I can’t keep such a needy creature with me.”

Indignation churned in his gut but Newt tempered it down, focusing instead on the realization that Grindelwald had been the one who sent Antonio and the thestrals. He had to be cautious with what he says to the wizard. He says instead, “Antonio had been a good companion.”

Grindelwald hums, “I can see that.”

“What was it you needed with me?” Newt finally asked, absently petting Pickett and then Antonio.

“Nothing.”

Newt furrows his brows and looked closer at the other wizard. “Yet.”

A smirk tugged at Grindelwald’s lips. “Nothing yet, yes. When the time comes, you will give it to me.”

Newt had no idea what it is. But the conviction in the Dark Lord’s voice kept him from asking. It was curious how despite being cautious, there was no immediate urge to flee. Even lesser was the urge to interfere with whatever the wizard is planning.

“Until we meet again, Newton.”

There was a possibility that Newt refused the Ministry’s deals because he couldn’t seem to muster up the will to fight against the Dark Lord.

He had seen how the man fought, had been in close enough proximity to say that he could not repeat what he had done in that subway months ago. Not for the lack of trying but for the certainty that Grindelwald wouldn’t commit the same mistake twice.

“There would come a time that everyone—everyone—has got to pick a side. Even you.” Theseus had said.

I don’t do sides. He doesn’t. Especially now.

Newt knew that travelling to Paris isn’t such a good idea.

But with Credence alive, Newt couldn’t appease his conscience quite well. And even then, he had to clear things up with Tina.

Going to Paris isn’t such a good idea but Newt will do it anyway. And, glancing at Jacob who was recounting his and Queenie’s romance in the last year, Newt wouldn’t deny the speck of happiness at the familiarity of the situation. He missed his friends and he missed venturing out of the country. This time, hopefully, there wouldn’t be adrenaline of a chase and troubles of Dark Lords.

But considering who and what Credence is, Newt wouldn’t count on it.

The moment Antonio started fussing, Newt knew what was coming.

“Hey Newt-”

“I-I’m sorry Jacob,” Newt turns around to face Jacob, causing the other man to stop in his tracks. “But could you please, uh, hold this for moment-” He hands him the feather that they are using to track Tina, now encased in a clear box.

Jacob takes it with a puzzled expression. “Okay…”

“Yes thank you,” Newt tries to smile. “I’ll be back in a jiffy. Stay here. Or, uh, actually, you can find a café to stay at. I’ll find you.”

Then he walks over to an alley before letting Antonio scamper up his shoulder. “Where to now?”

With the squeaked directions from the little chimaera, Newt finds himself outside a house. He steps up to knock on the door and was greeted by a striking woman.

They look at each other, the woman sizing him up before inclining her head with an unreadable though pleasant expression. “Come in, Mister Scamander.”

Newt does so, brushing off the surprise at her knowing his name. “Thank you.” He muttered.

There’s a surprised gasp from inside and Newt turns to its direction.

“Newt?” Then he was engulfed in a hug that had him shifting in discomfort even as he recognized Queenie’s golden curls and soft voice. “Oh I’m so glad you’re here. It’s been so awful. Is Jacob with you? I’m so sorry I didn’t know what else to do.”

He pats her back awkwardly, spying the black haired French woman smirking at them.

“What – what are you doing here Queenie?” Newt asked as Queenie finally let him go, a niggle of worry finally settling in his stomach.

Her distressed frown brightened up into a smile as she gestures at the woman, “I was lost and she helped me. She’s been so kind to me but I uh…” Her face fell and dismay colored her voice. “You don’t happen to know where Tina is, do you?”

Newt’s shake of head wasn’t really needed but he still did so.

You need to leave.

“Oh, why do I-”

“Newton,” Newt turned just as Queenie drew her wand.

“You stay right there,” Queenie bit out, unconsciously pulling Newt behind her. “I know what you are.”

“Queenie.” Grindelwald strode nearer, arms raised to show that he is harmless. It doesn’t quite work but the man doesn’t put it down. “We’re not here to hurt you.” The man titled his head. “Nor will we harm Newton.”

Newt closed his eyes, resigned that he’s too late to have Queenie escape.

Please put your wand down, Newt spoke in his mind clearly. He may not know what the Dark Lord has planned but Newt didn’t want to aggravate the man though he seems to be more amused than anything else. Pleased, even.

Queenie’s stance wavered and she turned to him, confusion and betrayal clear on her face.

“It’s not what it looks like.” Newt whispered. This seems to amuse Grindelwald even further so Newt turns his attention to him. “Please let her go.”

“We will,” Grindelwald appeased but satisfaction lurked behind his mismatched eyes. “We only wish protect the innocent. To let her know that we are here to help.” His attention drifts to Queenie who is trembling. “It is not your fault that your sister is an auror. I wish she were working with me now to a world where every witch and wizard is able to live however they want. To love freely.”

Before Newt’s eyes, he sees Queenie’s resolve waver. She looks at him, a desperate attempt to keep her head straight. But even Newt isn’t sure what to believe so he grips her hand and moved his gaze away from her.

I’m sorry was all he could think.

“Go now,” Grindelwald said. “Leave this place.”

Obediently, they did.

Queenie tags along as Newt returns to Jacob.

They have a tearful reunion, both apologizing for their actions (and thoughts on Jacob’s part). But Grindelwald’s influence had taken root. Newt can see the determination in Queenie’s eyes.

He smiles, though, because Queenie and Jacob clearly belonged together.

A man passed by and the feather they had been following earlier that day ruffled excitedly and pointed at the man. Newt let it free, watching as the feather zoomed past them and back onto the man’s hat.

“Come on.” Newt muttered as he followed the man.

His reunion with Tina wasn’t quite as touching as Jacob and Queenie’s.

They manage to get Mr. Kama out of the sewers with them and the Zouwu safely inside his case. When they settled in the safe place professor Dumbledore had given him the address to, Queenie had finally gotten irritated enough at the tension between them.

“Tina!” Queenie huffed, glaring at her stoic sister. “Newt here was going to say something important.”

Newt froze from his spot halfway down his case. He slowly turns his gaze up at Queenie’s expectant look to Tina’s equally as expectant look.

“You really are sisters.” He blurted out, nerves having caught up with him. Somewhere in the room, Jacob purses his lips and palms his face. Queenie glared at Newt. “I- I’m sorry. I-” Queenie tapped her foot in impatience. “I wasn’t uh, there had been a misunderstanding, Tina. It’s my brother- Theseus and Leta are the ones who are going to get married.”

Queenie’s happy clap was the only noise heard in the silence filled room. Newt took the opportunity to go down his case to take care of the Zouwu.

Newt sees Credence again in the Lestrange Mausoleum.

It’s only him and Tina this time, having left Queenie and Jacob to guard Mr. Kama. Though they seem to have been unsuccessful.

There’s tension in the air, one born from familial disagreements. Newt felt distinctly out of place as Leta told her story, feeling as if he was encroaching on something he shouldn’t know. It doesn’t shed light to who Credence is and the look of disappointment in the boy caused sympathy to twist his heart.

His attention is broken by Antonio wiggling out of his pocket.

“Antonio?”

His startled whisper called everyone’s attention. Newt followed Antonio to where a passage opened at his touch. The chimaera croaked and scampered up his shoulder and settled there, anticipation making him absolutely still.

Beyond the revealed passageway was a large gathering of wizards and witches.

At once, Newt realized Grindelwald’s plan.

The fire of protego diabolica burned brightly as it danced to the whims of the Dark Lord.

Aurors who were unable to protect themselves got burned, dying with piercing screams that cut off as the curse ate them away.

Newt watched with a horrified fascination, following the motions of his brother as they defended against the flames. Queenie and Jacob were ways away and he could see her crying, screaming at Jacob in despair.

At the other side, Credence makes his way to the flames, barely held back by the maledictus.

Newt is rooted in his spot, watching as Credence crossed over, Grindelwald greeting him with wide arms. His eyes are drawn to Queenie, anguish and desperation clear on her face as she crossed over the blue flames. Their eyes meet and Newt lets out a huff, half hysteric and half resignation.

“Newton,” Everyone seemed to pause at the call. Newt heard Theseus’s breath hitch and felt the way his brother’s hand gripped his arm tighter. “It’s time, I should think.”

Newt clutches his eyes shut, taking in deep breaths as he gripped his case tighter.

“What does he-” Newt pulls away from Theseus’s hold. “Newt don’t!”

He avoids look at anyone, feeling Tina, Leta, and Theseus’s eyes burning at him. Grindelwald’s expectant, triumphant gaze seemed to be the only thing that doesn’t burn. Antonio is purring as his shoulder and Newt reaches up to pet him.

With surprisingly steady gait, Newt walks down the steps.

Time seemed to slow and the distance between him and the platform seemed to be longer than it looks.

“Newt!”

Newt pauses and turns to his brother only to have the flames come between them. Between Newt and everyone.

Leta pulls Theseus back and Newt catches her eyes. For the first time in years, Newt smiles at her. “Please take care of him.”

Then he walked away, towards Grindelwald’s expectant gaze. This time it seemed faster than it should. The flames are warm, comforting even as his heart broke at the screams of his name.

He doesn’t stop walking until he stands close to Grindelwald. So close that there was barely space between them. Antonio jumps from his perch on Newt’s shoulder over to Grindelwald’s. The Dark Lord reaches up and cradles Newt’s face in his palm.

Smugness and triumph swirled behind mismatched eyes.

And then they were gone.