#im stressing over it so much i cant sleep
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Well, what animals are you totally NOT afraid of then? Like the ones that you'd always be fine with being around
cats !! i have a cat, shes great ! id pet a stray cat if they looked calm enpufh and in a mood to be touched .. alll other animals thouth ? not really !! i have a huge fear of getting bit by an animal and then getting rabies and BOOM dying !! and all mammals carrt rabies !! i went to sicily once and went out fot a walk at night and i saw a bat (far fron me in the sky) and i ran back home so fast that i almost tripped three times, i would notbe able to live in lijr any place in like amrrica or asia because if i saw a lizard or a weird fucking insrct ??? id leave immedialy i woukdnt get any sleep !! i see videos where therws just like bears around in the forest and people go on thosr fuking forests ?? and its common to go there ?? with fucking bears ??? i cant do that .. thats not me ... i wpukdnt even go NEAR a country where bears are a possibility ... im a pussy .. if i see a tiny mouse i get scared that they will bite me and i will die .. i cannot do it .. i have a fear of insects i cant even be in th3 samr ROOM wi5h a fly, mosquito, ladybird, moth or ANY flyong insect because i am too scared and my hesrt is beating si fast im 10 seconds away from gettimg a hesrt attack !!!! i have never seen a roach but from what ive seen online if i did see a roach id call the hospital immedeiately because i will have so much stress in thar one moment that im probbaly going into shock and my hestt will stop due to the high bpood pressure inside me .. we have those fucking crane flies here i am SO TERRIFIED OF THEM !! AND I MEAN IT !!! ONE TIME I SAW ONE NEXT TO ME AND I 9ANICLED SO HARD I FELL ONTO THE FLOOR ROLLED OVER AND BADHED MY HEAD INTO A WALL BY ACCIDENT AND THEN GOT UP, SLIPPED, BAMGED MY HEAD INTO THE OTHER WALL, AND JUST CRAWLED FRANTICALLY ALONG THE FLOOR TRYING TO OPEN THE LOCKED DOOR AS FAST AS POSSIBLE !!! I AAS SO FUCKING SCARED !!!
i realise i talked mostly about insects but i am afraud of all animals equally to me a rat abd a bear have the capabiloties to kill me even in different ways and a chicken fucking chaded me down once into a bathroom when i was like 10 and that was actually quite terrifiyong they fucking chased me across the playground into the classroom and into the fucking bahtoom i literally climbed on top of a sink because i wss scared and the fucker wouldnt leavr me alonr .. i have alwyad been a cowrd i was born with fear in my body
#do not be fooled by my fear of my animals i will still always try to save an animal if i see it#one timr a random ferret came into the house when i opened the door and i was terrified#but i picked him up with fear and shaky hands and put him in the pet carrier and fed him and broight him to a vet#scared theoughout with my hesrt beating so loud i could hear it thumping in my ears#hes fine now by the way i brought him to a vet and they took care of him !!#unfortunately i am a pussy and a coward
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Whatever happens next is of my own making and I don't like it.
#justmefeelingtherain#its easier to blame others for why bad things are happening or events that you have no control of#but this time i put my foot in my mouth and could possibly screw everything for myself in the forseeable future#im stressing over it so much i cant sleep#and i vow to tame my enthusiasm and stop caring about unimportant things#i just cant seem to find the right balance#i want to crawl into a ditch and be left alone#im strongly suspecting i might be on the autism spectrum but i need to be properly diagnosed
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never have i been so entirely exhausted from sitting in front of a laptop in a dark room for three hours gay! and so full of delight and happiness! like wow! i have not felt this good in ages!! and its a good kind of tired! i feel like im glowing!
but shit, the update is more than i could've dreamed of. like i said - three straight hours of combing, and i probably still missed a thing or two! i'm even saving the storytime audio to enjoy in the morning, i haven't listened to it yet!
i already have so many thoughts and emotions but i'm... so wiped out oh my god lmao. so much new stuff at once! i need to sleep on it all! and in the morning i will be more than happy to reply, interact, answer asks on this subject, share my actual thoughts - i just need to take the rest of the night to Process and rest, yk yk
and i know i "missed" some links on my liveblog! i know i know! i didn't add every single thing i found - like most of the Wally audios - because i'll be compiling them all into a labeled post tomorrow! when i wake up! i'm already looking forward to it <3 i'm confident i personally found all of them, though! i was Thorough! i went through everything at least twice, i tabbed through, i clicked on Everything...
but yes i hope you all are having a wonderful Update Day/Evening/Morning/Afternoon As The Case May Be. this is truly a delight and again, more than i could've dreamed of. i'd forgotten what it's like to be so wholly excited and delighted by something! it's been so long since i've felt this kind of genuine joy and whimsy! usually im white-knuckling my optimism and happiness but tonight it was all authentic 100% non-forced From The Soul!
#a very exciting day of Not Much Happening and then Everything At Once#the constant (joyous) stress over the update and then the intense euphoria of experiencing it....#very very exhausted i have no energy left in me for literally anything#a sleep will fix that though#and ill be back to Chatter and Ramble#absolutely unprompted#scribble salad#i cant believe we're only at the very beginning... there is already So Much!#so much good stuff! incredible stuff! monumental work! i literally cant fathom that this is the Tip of the iceberg! what the fuck!#but thats something to swoon over another day#we have the update!#a plethora of audio clips and new information to chew on!#but yes yes i will make a tumblr post with all of the links#in order! labeled! for your convenience and viewing and reblogging pleasure!#and a different post with my personal thoughts and emotions! i have many!#alright yes stepping away from the laptop now#water. teeth. cats. sleep. yes. totally going to do that.#i already know im gonna lay down get cozy and then my eyes are gonna Fly Open. Wide Awake#perhaps i should take some melatonin lol#i want to be able to wake up in a timely manner Well Rested and ready to compile!!!#a melatonin night it is!#but yes i hope you all are having fun!!!#feel free to shoot me asks and such! i am more than happy to Respond and Discuss!#i will be making my main posts / sharing my thoughts before answering anything tho lol i will say that now#that way i can say my piece#and then if i get any asks about something ive already covered i can just Link the Post!#for ease of all of us <3#but yes goodnight!!!#i cant wait to scribble and talk and AGH!!!#to clown and everyone working on welcome home you guys are the fucking most and its just. its everything
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#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan#i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch#shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else#even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress#but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside#academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project#i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send#myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it#but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or#maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something#just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there#it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so#tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing#ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position#and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle#sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux#i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices#even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it#unrelated
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not to get personal and talk about my mental health but im getting personal and talking about my mental health bcus i need to get this off my chest in an indirect way where there is a degree of separation between myself and whoever is listening to my plight. im currently in a strange predicament where i obviously need medical help for my severe anxiety but my anxiety is so severe that i cannot contact any doctors about it
#i am experiencing heart palpitations pretty frequently due to my anxiety#i can often feel my own heart pounding against my ribcage#and feel my heartbeat in my arms & neck so hard that it distracts me#i couldnt sleep last night bcus of how hard & fast my heart was pumping#it was at 100+ bpm while laying down & trying to sleep#and then during the nap i took this morning i had stress dreams of my worst fear rn#and my worst fear is people i am not familiar with entering my home#not even just strangers. the other week my cousin came over but i havent seen my cousin in years#and i avoided her so fucking much that i didnt even SEE her. i didnt apeak to her. i heard her voice ONCE from another room#and hearing her voice was enough to set off my anxiety so fuckin bad i ended up taking a double dose of my meds that i cant get refilled#the last time i had a physical check up in like. 2022. my pulse was at 117bpm while i was sitting down making casual conversation with them#i cant tell if im actually developing a heart problem or if its all stemming from my anxiety#even just typing this all up my hands are shaking and im starting to sweat#krav talks
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you would think considering how much it loves sleeping that my body would, yknow, sleep when i ask it to. or even just when it has barely slept in days and im trying so hard to sleep
#the bin#uugghhhh i woke up at 1pm today bc my stupid idiot body refused to go to sleep at a reasonable time even tho i was alreday so sleep#deprived. i have to work at 6:30 tomorrow morning :/ so i guess i wont be sleeping till then bc i still have to clean stuff and shower#maybe maybe maybe ill get a nap in but idk. bleh. i hope after i get home my stupid body will sleep. its gonna have to bc i work 7 hours the#next day so i cant do that too sleep deprived. i really really hope i dont have to :( hhhh#i wanted so bad to get high last night mosty bc my body has been refusing to sleep this past week but my sister n her boyfriend didnt come#over so i wasnt able to get more edibles :( or boxes for packing. hhh. i need to move so soon! i have no idea what day its even gonna be yet#i badeky have an idea of how much its gonna cost either. they finally gave me a gas cost estimate afeyr ive been asking for 3 weeks#hhh. well. whatever. i only have 4 more shifts. im kinda sad tbh. i really like working here. my coworkers are so nice#tomorrow is probs the last time ill ever see my fav coworker. shes so nice. shes so nice she used he/him for me and calls me orb#i just mentioned the name in passing once after i changed my pronouns on my nametag and she noticed and she remember!#and before she used it for me she stopped and asked if i was comfortable with it or if i wanted to keep it private. i have never EVER met#another cis person who would even think to ask that. most cis people dont understand why you would care. shes like. the nicest person ive#ever ever met. why did i have to find such a great place to work in minnesota? well. even if i am super tired tomorrow morning itll probably#be ok. butbi really would prefer not to be.#i dont know why i havent been able to sleep properly. bleh. i do liek what edibles do to me its a fun time but its kinda annoying that i#cant use them very casually for sleep or pain. they incapacitate me for 14 hours minimum.#well. at least no matter how stressed i am abt everything. i will definitely be elsewhere in 18 days max. should be less than that.#i will miss this job and these coworkers but i am relived that i wont have to go to work for awhile. esp with this tooth pain.#and im so excited to be able to draw again! im glad im moving a month before artfight bc itll give me time to get shit prepped#i wanted so bad to participate last year but i wasnt able to come evn close to finishing any attacks bc i was too tired from working
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[pained wailing emoji]
#.pdf#rd#THE REST OF THIS IS JSUT ME WHINING. FEEL FREE TO IGNORE#i dont wanna go to work ‼️‼️‼️ i feel like i am nearing a breaking point i am sofucking burnt out#every time i go to work. my brain gets Scary at me. stresses me out. dont like it ☹️#im supposedto be going in tonigjt but im dreading it sososo much#my work hour options have changed from “fully flexible” to “7am-9pm only” whcih yeah i know that doesnt sound that bad. but i have non-24#(circadian rhythm disorder that makes me sleep progressively later every day circling fully around the clock over ~3 weeks or so)#and bcos of it often i have to force myself out of bed in what my body thinks may as well be the middle of the night just to get to work#and then i dont ever get enough time to recover from that to actually let my sleep fall back into its natural schedule wjich is the only#time i feel properly rested. so essentially im chronically sleep deprived which is making me chronically stressed and way less productive#i just reslly really want to fucking save up a little money and just Not work for a week or two. bjt. with my sleep bullshit i cant really#work enough to be able to put anything aside. at all#so. kind of an unrealistic desire i guess. lol#ive been feeling like this ever since like early january when i was told i ahve to stick to a more normal schedule. & its only getting worse#idont know i just wishthere was something i could do that was fully flexible on timing but also doesnt havw the kind of workload that would-#-stress me out like basically anything with longer-term projects so ykmow Most flexible schedule jobs.#i do have one thing in mind i could do on my own but its dumb and probably wouldnt make much money and has startup costs i cant afford rn..
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Haha we used heating so we're fucked again
#im. having a complete meltdown#horrible shift last night we're both wrecked. get home and electricity ran out#presumably bc we were using the heater a lil bit bc its freezing#so last of the money has gone on that but we have. i think a lil over a week till payday? and i think its gonne run out by the weekend#I. THINK we have food#i havent actually eaten since yesterday afternoon#stressed out my fkin mind i just want to curl up and cry and sleep#but i gotta try and make food happen first#i. really really cant ask for more money everyone helps so much and i hate it#but im a tenner overdrawn so if literally anything elae comes up before enxt thursday we're fucked
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man I wish it was easy for me to cry instead of stuffing shit down all the time. I'm too good at repressing shit and disassociating, the second I start to feel something it gets sucked right back in
#can't sleep because I'm stressing over these medical bill payments that are gonna leave us with maybe 100$ in the bank#my heart feels like it's being sat on by an elephant#but at the same time i feel nothing#like absolutely nothing#i feel fucking dead inside#and it'll be fine!!!! we just have to survive til the next paycheck comes!!!! we're okay!!!!#but we're not and so much of it is because of me and my partner is a fucking saint because they're so goddamn understanding#and it makes me feel that much worse#im so tired#i cant do this shit anymore#i cant
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#ok im not gonna let myself complain abt it too much. even if complaining is very cathartic to me. like its just part of the process#anyway im gonna try to not do that....#but yeah i hate being ill and in pain. it's like a veil is pulled over myeyes and the entire world gets so dark and scary#idk how to explain i just feel so alone and so anxious and so unhappy#my experience with healthcare is sadly that treatment never helps and nothing gets better#so that's why i always get kinda depressed when something like this happens#the doctor suspects it is gallstones. and i got those rectal pills skskks that i'll try for the pain#then i just need to wait to get an ultra sound scan so they can check for gallstones. then i dont know#i was too stressed to ask her abt diet and such but im reading online and im like?? idk what im supposed to eat#that pain is just fkn awful and im so scared of triggering it#esp bc i dont fkn know how to put a pill up my ass that stresses me out even more#if i had an ordinary life i.e a job and friends and such it's easier to handle these things. but when u feel vulnerable nd scared it makes#it sm worse.....#and im so fkn stressed abt school now!!!! how am i supposed to sit and class when im in pain???? and barely sleeping#yeah idk. i need to find a way to get thru this ksksks :(((((#maybe im over dramatic or smth. i prob am. but i cant describe it im just in sm pain and im scared and confused and stressed af#i also have no idea how long this will last or if i can start eating normally and when i can start going for my walks again#like will this not pass until they remove the potential gallstone or what??#i hate this pain sm it hurts so bad i dont know how long i'll be able to endure it#im also getting closer to a depression so.. idk im just not ok rn ksks
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The bookmark tag was #holder until i think of a tag for these asks but To Be Real even I forgot what it was...
BUT YEAH thanks so much for reading and I'm glad it's :] Intelligible At Least :] obviously I would be up for reading anything that came to mind after putting you and your followers through All That but understandable... A lot of people I've shown the checklist items or pointed out specific behaviors to have actually said similar [i.e. I'm In This Picture And I Don't Like It], so I totally get what you mean, too!
I think a lot of my picks wound up being generalized trauma responses/aftereffects of abuse or neglect [hence I meandered off into just talking about Jo's father half the time], so I guess it's to be expected a lot of them don't read as being CSA-specific or are broadly relatable; it's not like he's supposed to be read that way, after all. I just wasn't able to zero in on many of the more specific ones because I've Never Seen Jo In This Situation Chief I Don't Know What He Thinks About His Name Or His Body Or Mirrors Or Sex Or Affection I Don't Know How Well Or Poorly He Sleeps [Presumably Poorly Though He Has The Second-Reddest Eyes In The Whole Game]
I don't really think I'll have anything to add though unless Infinite Wealth goes off the rails or I actually continue reading the book... so that will have to do... I originally was just riffing on RGGJo's attachment issues, self-destructiveness, and specific entwinement of sexuality/aggression/romance, and his portrayal in my fic lined up pretty closely, so I thought it'd be interesting to apply the same lens to Y7Jo...
But Yeah x2 thank you for the opportunity to talk about it and I'm Glad It's Intelligible At Least x2
THANK YOU i really should change that tag to something better... <- i will immediately forget to do so like a jackass
BUT YA OF COURSE OF COURSE i was truthful when i said it was a real good read (but once again. i have -5 speech skills so i can't properly word SHIT) and was a thorough examination of jo's trauma and how it manifests in him and how it's exhibited through his actions. ALWAYS a big fan of that :)
#snap chats#IN REGARDS TO Jo In Situations that is. VAGUELY my specialty#ive at least thought of jo's attitudes towards affection/relationships#and i Do Not Think he sleeps AS adequately as he should whether it's due to just. Overworking or#If I May Dare To Think he might be prone to night terrors#the Danger Zone of me thinking of Jo In Situations that dont have a lot of background is that i end up projecting a LOT of my issues LMAO#i dont know what it says about me when a lot of those issues seem to fit him#i do try my best NOT to over project of course i try to keep everyone relatively in the bounds of believability to their charas#which is why its funny when i do end up doin a lil projection it works out. Apparently#not sure i could do the same when it comes to jo's POV on his name and body tho. i hate those things bout myself for uh#VERY different reasons LMAOO tho i could imagine jo harboring some feelings of. hm. whats the word.#not Total Disgust But Some and Some Agitation whenever he has to acknowledge he exists outside of being a tool. To Put It Bluntly#cause we know he sees himself as a tool in some aspects- a bullet more specifically. so i can imagine instances where he has to Be A Human#its just. Ew Whats That LMAO YK WHAT I MEAN i do. i know what i mean. mirrors are evil#SORRY IM RAMBLING i shouldnt be.. i got gameritis <- i fucked up my wrists playing sonic riders somehow and it hurts to move#point is i very much enjoy thinking of jo and i enjoy looking at him through a multitude of lenses so AGAIN#thank you much for writing in :] im sorry i have three jewel beetles and a cicada shell for a brain#i am always interested in reading what you have to say tho... cant stress that enough..#truly curious for how jo will be in infinite wealth now that he Doesnt have to be a bullet anymore. what are you like my guy.. lemme see..#now pardon me while i fuck up my wrists more. i do not want to do my job today (i will soon im just delaying the inevitable. as a treat)
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#ahaha we r playing it fast and fucking loose out here in the middle of fucking nowhere#like for real. dangerous fucking day. why? bc being around ppl stresses me out so fucking much i cant function#we've done 16hrs of driving in the last 3 days and i have not eaten much bc i get so stressed in restaurants#and so many things either bother my braib or my stomach and nothing tastes good and i csnt advocate for myself and if someone else tries to#advocate for me i get freaked out and paranoid abt being watched#so yeah. low on food and im so neurotic that i cant pee in public restrooms. which is not good so i dont drink much which is double not#good. which is to say that i got up todsy at 6am in an undernourished condition and then did fucking like 8hrs of field work in#the fucking desert. real real bad move. do not fucking do that. my pee looks so bad. god if i dont have a panic attack or burst into tears#by the end of the week it'll b a miracle. im already going all weird. i have v little bandwidth to pretend to b human then i do field work#and it all goes out the window bc im focused and trying to get things done asap and if things arent efficient i start to freak out. so ppl#will try to joke or talk to me and i just stare at them for a beat too long bc my brain is lagging and its all awkward. just like dont talk#to me and let me get this over with. i basically did lunges for like 5hrs my legs r gonna hurt so bad and we have 4 more days. like it was#bad today. like the undergrad with us also thought so. i feel so bad 4 him but hes a good sport. i dont kno whats gonna happen the rest of#the week. i got back todsy and wandered around bc there r like 3 rooms in this field house and i csnt relax if someone else is in the room#i went outside and ate a jelly sandwich sitting on the ground like a weirdo. like im pretty sure im noticeably being weird bc i do try to b#slightly charismatic normally but rn im stripped to my base elements like. oh ur talking to me? ok u arent saying anything interesting so#im moving on. im not gonna speak unless i absolutely have to and im gonna find a corner to hide away in. pls do not contact#hopefully im so stressed ill skip my period bc i do not wanna deal with that on top of everything. and the fact that im wide fucking awake#at like 11.30 after the day ive had is not looking like a good sign on that front. its a sign if fucking crazy. im laying#here on this bunkbed in a too warm room. no pillow bc im a freak and i dont wanna sleep bc im not tried and i cant sleep around other ppl#ugh so many bad vibes. do not do what i did. pls. that was real dangerous.#god i think that was at least a 13 or 14hr day. fuck that. i don't even care abt this project and im worried that's showing#not to mention the bad thing i did like a month back when i was losing my mind has caught up to me. its fine. awkwardly annoying but fine#hhhh actions have consequences ☹️#tw food#unrelated
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hmmm
maybe i need to not do this tonight after all
#speculation nation#discacc shit#i am. just stressing myself out with this pressure lol#+ with minimal encouragement atm im just running myself in circles#trying desperately to finish writing. and i am soooo close#but i can just imagine how this will turn out#i push myself too hard to finish this chapter tonight. which it WOULD take a real push to finish it tonight.#bc im officially at 16k words for this chapter. and i am not even done writing.#i stay up far too late to edit. bc that is a Lot of words to edit.#i end up sleep deprived. it's a long chapter so people wont even be able to read it quickly#i can barely sleep anyways bc im too busy waking up every hour to check to see if there are any comments (which there likely wont be.#or at least will be minimal comments. bc as i said it is a long chapter. people cant make it through it quickly)#then i crash tomorrow bc i didnt get the engagement i worked so hard for as quickly as i wanted it#im still without a beta reader bc andi is recovering which means i dont have the safety net / reassurance that beta reading provided me#and ultimately i end up in a shit state tomorrow. unable to even jump into my next bit of writing as ive pressured myself to do.#i can see it fully laid out before me bc this is EXACTLY what has happened the last few chapters. last chapter especially.#i did end up getting pretty good engagement on the last chapter. but it took time. & by then i'd already had an entire crash over it#as much as i want to finish this b4 the 21st i really need to be mindful with myself#i am doing no one any favors by rushing it. least of all myself.#really if youve read this far + youre a discacc reader. i would rly appreciate if u could send me some kind of encouragement#even as little as liking this post would help. tho a reply/ask would b more effective lol#im currently stuck in the sink hole of 'no one cares' so. it'd help to have that proven wrong.#is it annoying that i have no fucking object permanence w/ knowing ppl care about my writing? Absolutely!#but idk im just trying to do my best with a shit brain. any bit of help/reassurance would be appreciated
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I’m so exhausted and stressed and overwhelmed. I was sick for a whole week with a flu and had to miss a week of uni. I have a midterm project due in less than 2 days and I haven’t been able to finish it because I can’t sleep and my body is still recovering. And my professor isn’t responding to me. I might just lose it.
#text#personal#tries to sleep and gets 394738372928 anxiety attacks#and my entire body hurts so much#times like this I hate having a weak immune system I always fall so ill there is no in between#and mentally ????? i keep beating myself up over this even though I cannot HELP it#im trying not to be so hard on myself but i’m so behind and im stressed out this project is worth 50% of my grade#my gpa is dying#i graduate next year i cant afford to fuck any of this up#i hate this i hate myself l. o oo o llll
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I slept rly deeply last night even tho it took me a while to get to sleep but I think that was bc I had acid reflux and I'd been playing videogames too late not anything else.... still only got 6 hrs but doing pretty okay all things considered 😚
#and not feeling sick this morning so im sticking w the higher dose for one more day. my heart rate does feel a little uncomfortably fast#but its tolerable. just gonna make notes of how it goes through the day and ill submit my review form to my dr this evening#and hopefully she'll give me the green light to drop back down instead of continuing to titrate up#this is making me think of those heartrate fetishists... do u think i could make money selling tachycardic heart recordings online#i do wanna try to exercise this morning while i have energy. might take the bike out it looks like a gorgeously sunny day#maybe ill try to map my cycle route to work so i can consider cycling there instead of taking the bus in a couple weeks..#i cant atm thp cuz they have scaffolding up and its blocked off the bike racks sadly 😔#i think making myself eat + drink as much as i can has helped control the nausea too. just need a lot of fuel to process meds properly ig#and a lot of sleep.. its a bit stressful to think abt how rigid im going to have to be abt my daily routines if i want to stay medicated#but to be honest i have a pretty rock solid sleep/meal routine already bc its the only way i can function with the hours i work#so like. i dont rly need to worry too much. i think i reacted badly the first couple days bc my base anxiety was high#and then bc that feeling was heightened by meds -> made me not eat/sleep properly -> knock on sickness the next day#but yeah still the side effects arent very nice and i dont wanna take the risk of it exacerbating every difficult emotion i deal with#but fingers crossed bc 30 worked rly nice for me and i had barely any side effects so hopefully i can settle w that long term 🤞#we will see....#ANYWAY. sorry for making the same post over and over the last couple days. talking abt it on here has helped me feel a lot calmer#i dont wanna bother ppl irl w every thought and physical symptom i experience hourly. but this is my blog i can do what i want#hope everyone else has a nice sunday <3#.diaries
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crying shouldnt cause headaches, thats just cruel honestly.
#the bin#i went through to figure out costs more and im most likely not gonna be abek to bring almost any of my belongings#i can probably manage to at least bring my pets. my sisters boyfriends cat cant tow and it doesnt have a lot of space in it so im not gonna#have much room for anything at all. i guess maybe its a good thing my sister wont be coming then :/#honestly. im not actually THAT upset. he seems fairly chill and respectful of my boundaries. moreso than my fuckin sister is. not that thats#hard to accomplish. if i set a boundry with her she will most likely break it repeatedly and then also refuse to apologize#im still uncomfortable with it but not much more than i was with going with her anyway. i van just keep earbuds in the whole time probably#im really upset that ill have to leave my stuff here though. with her. i hate that. and im also probably not gonna have a bed when i move#and ill be sleeping on the concrete basement floor so uh. that sucks. a lot. my aunt probably has an air mattress i casn borror for a bit#im also probably gonna see if i can convince my sister to let me take one of her beta fish and the one tank she has for it. its a small tank#so i could easily bring it. its too smalm for the poor thing but its gonna be in that if it comes with me or her so. and i wanna get it#something better. ive become pretty attached to it after taking care of it for the past 4 months. ugh the fact she just ditched me with her#fish pissed me off so much too. not to mention the snakes were supposed to be a shared pet but she just stopped dling anything ever and it#became exclusively my responsibility to care for them and pay for all their stuff. she should not have pets of any kinda#im trying blt to be really upset. i can hopefully bring my most important belongings at least. his car isnt THAT small. and then ill only#need to pay for the gas and thats it and i can definitely afford that. hhhh. ill figure it out. i hate this :/#my head hurts so bad from having a 2 hour long meltdown. im so upset over our whole relationship and everything#she just keeps doing selfish things over and over again and treating me like an idiot for not knowing things she didnt tell me#specifically treating me like im stupid for not knowing she isnt gonna be able do what she specifically told me she could#im im so mad at her for the ditching me and the repeatedly taking advantage of me specifically for money and fucking me over#wnd everything before that. our whole relationship. im seo stressed abt this. i have nobody now.#i hate her so much. im glad i can clearly see how abusive things have always been bug it doenst make it sting any less#and it doenst helo the fact she continues this behavior now too
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