#im sure ill regret it when im older

[frick-it-sugar-spice]

was gonna draw

instead gonna go lay down

[lovieku]

Good Luck, Babe! #1 ☆ jeon jungkook

what happens when you leave everything behind, only to be faced with it again years later? eunbi is convinced she was given another shot at keeping all she ever wanted, but it’s difficult when that all is her childhood best friend who doesn’t want to do anything with her anymore. how to earn his trust back?

☾ pairing: non idol!jk x fem!oc

☾ genre: childhood friends to strangers, friends to lovers, angst, fluff, smut

☾ word count: 10.4k +

☾ warnings: female oc named eunbi. explicit language. alcohol consumption. lots of flashbacks. mentions of menstrual cycle. misogyny (not jk). jk is one year older than eunbi. jk is a biker!! he doesn’t have tats and piercings though, that will come later. they’re currently in uni. jk is a film production student. eunbi is a literature student. awful abuse of italics. check masterlist for more!

☾ author’s note: hello!!! this is my first time doing this so please bear with me! english is not my first language so there might be some mistakes, if so please let me know. just in general, feedback is very appreciated :) as i mentioned, i never posted on tumblr before nor wrote an au in english so im kiiinda nervous about this… but i swear ill try to bring my idea to life in the best way possible and i wont make you regret reading this hehe… Also!!! each chapter is named after a song that reminds me of them <3 i hope you come to love eunbi and jeongguk as much as i do, maybe with time… thank you !

indexㅣnext

one ⋆ come back to me

Sitting across the table, he stares at her. The light of the twenty birthday candles reflecting in her eyes, the people surrounding her, his own friends. As she’s blowing out the candles, he wonders what she wished for. Does she ever wish to go back in time? Does she think of him, of what once was? Does she regret what happened? Jeongguk scoffs at his own thoughts, looking away from what’s in front of him. It makes his blood boil. How could she just forget?

“Did you even wish Eunbi a happy birthday?” It’s Dahye blocking his line of vision now. He looks up from where he’s sitting, pout on his face and eyebrows slightly furrowed, “Why would I? Would she ever do the same for me?” She would. Jeongguk knows he’s being petty, but he can’t help it.

His friend rolls her eyes, unspokenly conveying just how tired she is of this constant snubbing between Jeongguk and the birthday girl, “So you came to her party to do what? Sit here and burn holes into her skull? Fucking grow up Jeongguk, you’re being childish.” She forces him to get up, but as he does he’s not sure he can handle this whole situation for much longer.

Everyone is hugging her, but it all feels so fake. Her smiles and squeals directed to everyone else but him. He doesn’t even know why he’s still here, doesn’t wanna be part of this farce. He feels out of place with his own people. Why did she have to ruin this one thing he had created? Why did she have to be so likeable to everyone? He can keep lying to himself, arguing that there’s no actual reason, but he knows first hand that it doesn’t take much to become fond of her. She could be spotted in a million people. She’s effortlessly glowing, radiating the light of a thousand stars, and the light burns everything. It burns his eyes, his skin, his heart.

Jeongguk has to look down at his hands as he squeezes them into fists, trying to make sense of what’s happening. He’s letting anger take over, but he knows deep down what he truly feels is sadness. Helplessness, even. He looks up just to find her staring back at him, and is he reading hope in her eyes?

He needs to get out. Being in her presence isn’t healthy for him, especially on what’s supposed to be her day, her night. He can keep being resentful, but he knows he doesn’t want to ruin that for her. Walking away from the table, he reaches the backdoor of the pub and searches for a cigarette in his jacket. Stress is clouding his mind and he just needs to relax. Breathe.

In his pocket, he doesn’t only find the pack of cigarettes he’s now desperately trying to open, but also a reminder of how delusional he truly is. Jeongguk stupidly thought he could maybe muster the courage to go up to her and give her a little gift, just a sign of politeness, he thought to himself as he fished it out of a forgotten memory box. He knows ever since they saw each other again they’ve been acting petty. Purposefully ignoring each other as if nothing ever was. He thought he could at least put an end to this. Hand her a bracelet he still keeps from their childhood as a request for a truce.

Jeongguk shakes his head and scoffs. He feels crazy. Insane, even. Is he really the only one thinking so much about how weird this whole new dynamic between them is? He knows they haven’t seen each other in years, of course things have changed, but why is she acting as if he is at fault? As if he’s the one who should apologise? He fumbles with the cigarette and struggles to keep it still in his mouth. Just then, he realises he doesn’t have a lighter on him.

”Fucking hell,” he looks up, maybe searching for help, talking to something greater than him. “Why do you hate me, God?”

”Bad day?” Jeongguk startles. He knows that voice. Turning around, he guessed exactly who it belonged to. She takes out a lighter and puts it between them, waiting for him to take it. Such a small gesture seems to mean infinitely more.

”Uh, thanks.” Jeongguk is aware of how pathetic he sounds right now, voice small and low. “Um, happy birthday. I guess.” I guess? What the fuck?

Eunbi chuckles, amused by the way he’s acting. He swears that makes him even angrier, he feels like fucking screaming. “Thanks. We’re eating cake. Come back there when you’re done?” She stands there a few more seconds, just staring at him. She expects Jeongguk to say something, anything. Even give her a smile, a nod of his head. None of that happens.

With her hair styled in a half ponytail, perfectly tied at the back with a white bow, she nods to herself and walks away, leaving the lighter in Jeongguk’s hand. He’s left speechless. That’s their first proper interaction after years. That’s all they could say to each other. He feels the hole in his chest, that he had managed to almost fully close, reopen at such a rapid speed, and he feels the urge to get out of that place immediately. Like hell he’s going back there.

Cigarette long forgotten, Jeongguk throws it somewhere in his jacket’s big pockets along with the lighter, and tries to make himself unnoticed while he frantically searches for the exit. Why the fuck are there so many people out drinking on a Monday night?

He feels bad for leaving his friends without any warning but he’s afraid one more second here could cause permanent damage to his brain. There's no point in staying any longer whatsoever.

“What a fucking waste of time.” Muttering to himself, he pushes the door open and walks ahead, keeping his head low while fishing for his bike keys in his jeans.

“Jeongguk?” Of fucking course, he thinks as his eyes close for a second, searching for the little patience he had left. Eunbi’s voice fills the much quieter parking lot outside the pub, the sound echoing and making him stop in his tracks, helmet already in his hands as he turns around.

“You're leaving?” If he didn't know her (and he would argue he actually doesn't anymore) Jeongguk would think there's a cloud of sadness in her voice. He slightly shakes his head and looks behind his shoulders. Scratches his head. Anything to escape what is happening.

“Yeah, it's quite late. I have a 9 a.m. tomorrow. Don't wanna miss it.” He's lying. He doesn't have lectures on Tuesdays, and even if he did, he's no stranger to skipping classes. He doesn’t care if the girl knows all about his ways. Hell, being in the same uni friend group doesn’t actually allow to really avoid seeing each other every fucking day of the week.

“Right,” she nods, kicking the pebbles under her feet. He notices she chose to wear Converses even under the flowy white mini dress she has on, and they still look like she never cleans them. Then she hesitates, “Wait a second? I’ll bring you a piece of cake to take home. It's your favourite, double chocolate.”

Jeongguk doesn’t reply. Doesn’t even give her a nod of his head. The birthday girl looks like she’s waiting for it though, some sign of reassurance. She’s left with none of that again, and figures she should be as quick as possible to avoid Jeongguk leaving without knowing she truly appreciated him being here.

He scoffs at the sight he catches a glimpse of through the pub’s window, the girl frantically recovering a piece of the dessert she claims she knows it’s still his favourite — it is. At that, he almost thinks of waiting for her. Almost. He doesn't, his petty nature taking over. He hops on the bike, helmet on, revving the engine to finally get the fuck out of there. No waiting, no warning. After all, it's not like she'd ever warned him before disappearing.

Jeongguk feels absent for most of the ride back to his cramped rented flat. Dissociated. Mind full of thoughts (and maybe regret) but body so relaxed and at ease because of the gentle summer breeze brushing his skin. It’s nights like these that take him way back, places in his brain that he’s sick of visiting. Jeongguk actually doesn’t remember a lot, doesn’t keep on too many memories of his past. Instead, he thinks he’s probably cursed with having every moment with her carved in his head, from the first time he saw her to the last.

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

“Mom, I'm going outside!” A ten years old Jeongguk rushed down the stairs, hands full and voice shaking with excitement. Once again, he gathered as many toys as he could and his trusted camera to go play outside the porch.

Laying on the sofa, his mom was concerned Jeongguk would fall with how eager he was in his movements, “Alright baby, stay off the road though!” The apprehension was short lived, the woman letting a sigh out of her mouth, knowing taming little Jeongguk was mission impossible.

Nonetheless, Mrs. Jeon had always believed her son to be very intelligent for his age, both academically and emotionally. He had already developed a great sense of responsibility and empathy, especially towards his peers, so she never once doubted his actions.

On the other hand, Jeongguk felt a sense of loneliness. Being an only child during summer meant many things, one of them being the fact that he was bound to be alone most of the time since schools were closed. And so he would do what he liked the most. He would go out and film.

Usually, the subjects were his own mother, or father. But sometimes he enjoyed making scenarios on his own, pretending to be a great director and moving his actors — his toys — however he wanted, “One, two, three… action! We're rolling!”

His passion for photography and movies had grown increasingly over the past year, also due to him finding his new favourite thing ever in an old box of his dad, a Samsung SCD71.

As Barbie was about to finally kiss Ken under an imaginary stormy downpour, which Jeongguk was trying to make as believable as possible, a sudden noise had completely obscured the microphone of the camera, probably making the recording unusable. “What’s going on…” Jeongguk directed the camcorder towards the origin of the annoying sound, and through the lenses he caught sight of a moving truck that had just parked on the road. More specifically, it stopped in front of the house next to his, which he had learnt to be empty. Up to that day, apparently.

Curiosity had always been one of the most striking and dominant aspects of Jeongguk's personality, which he probably got from his dad. Camera hanging around his neck, he got up, hopped the fence and got closer to the truck, still careful not to get on the road, just as his mommy had advised him.

Jeongguk came closer, spotting a girl about his age carrying a box double her size. Her voice could be heard, even if suppressed by the weight of those items, “Mom, why do I need to carry these things, they're so heavy!” The girl whined fruitlessly, her mom going on about how she was just being dramatic, “Eunbi, just leave it on the porch and your dad will take care of it.”

To Jeongguk, it didn’t look like the kid was being dramatic. Those boxes seemed hard to even pick up. He bit his lip deep in thought, so much he didn’t even realise his feet moving on their own and getting even closer to the scene. Before he knew it, he asked, “Do you need help with that?” He felt the urge to lend a hand, just because that was in his nature.

The little girl was startled, almost losing balance at hearing a stranger’s voice directed at her. She couldn’t see who it was because of the box limiting her view, but she figured it didn’t belong to someone much older than her. When she put the carton down, she got confirmation that she guessed right. Still, her first instinct was defensive, “Huh? Who are you? And no, I don't need any help, thank you.”

It was Jeongguk’s turn to be startled. Initially left speechless, he tilted his head at being rejected when he was just trying to be nice. No problem, he’ll try again, “Oh, okay but… you were just saying the box is heavy?”

The snappy girl furrowed her brows, seemingly much mature for the age she was showing, “Yes, but that doesn't imply that I can't carry it.” Arms crossed, she looked proud of the reply she came up with, but really was just waiting for her dad to do something about the weighty box.

Tilting his head to the other side, Jeongguk reminded the girl of her little black poodle she had to leave back in her old town with her grandma. Big brown eyes and long hair, the boy pouted in thought, “Im- imply? What's that?” What can he say, he had always preferred scientific subjects.

“Whatever.” Eunbi — was that her name? — looked around in hopes to find her parents, who were inside, busy unboxing the most important items to get the long process of moving out started. When she stared back at the boy, she sighed, “I guess you can help me.”

Jeongguk chuckled contentedly, suddenly very pleased with carrying heavy things for a girl he didn’t even know. “What’s your name?” He tried to make conversation while they both went back and forth with the cartons, a silent competition between them on who was faster.

”I’m Song Eunbi… you?” Both too tired to keep carrying other stuff, they sat down on the stairs of the door to her new house, which she didn’t seem that excited about.

“Oh, I'm Jeon Jeongguk, I live next door. I came here because of the noise, heh.” He smiled a big one, showing his teeth and almost fully closing his eyes. That caused the younger one to smile too, starting to let her guard down. With the boxes out of the question, she noticed a big object hanging around his neck, “Woah… what’s that?”

She reached to touch the Samsung camcorder but he was quicker, grabbing it and tugging it to his chest in a protective manner. The pigtails girl retracted her hand, a slow pout coming on her face but not fully developing, because before that could happen Jeongguk had recovered with a jolt of his head, “Sorry, don’t like people touching it. It’s a camera. I use it to record and stuff. You wanna see?”

Eunbi didn’t reply, wary of the device in Jeongguk’s hand, and she just watched him maneuver it as if it was his job. When he gasped, she returned the attention to his face, “It was still recording. Forgot to turn it off…” He seemed more as if he was muttering to himself, but then he also shifted his gaze towards her.

Lifting the lenses up to his face, Jeongguk pointed the camera towards his — hopefully — new friend, “Do you wanna say hi?” He zoomed in and out, focusing on the background then on her. “Huh… hi.” She smiled sweetly and the boy remained on that view for more seconds than necessary, before ending the recording.

The initially grumpy girl seemed to share that same curiosity that characterised Jeongguk so well, because she eagerly started asking the older kid questions about the camera, and he easily complied.

They spent the next two hours watching Jeongguk’s self-directed short movies, in which Barbie was always somewhat saved by Ken; and then Eunbi was so inspired by that, she tore open her toy box and instructed Jeongguk just how to direct the sequel of one specific film he had showed her.

His mom was scared, to say the least. Opening the front door to call Jeongguk for dinner and not instantly seeing him. Panic, panic, panic. None of that was occurring in Jeongguk’s head, though. He was so excited to have new toys that he could use to fulfil his director dream, and Eunbi seemed happy too. Together, they created the most original stories that the only child could surely have never come up with on his own.

When Jeongguk thought he heard his mom’s voice, for the first time throughout those endless hours he lifted his head up from the camera. “Baby! Oh, thank God, I was so scared.” His mom came rushing towards him, holding his head to her chest.

Toys dropped to the ground, Jeongguk looked at his mother and the clear height difference made him also aware of how dark the sky had turned compared to when he first walked out his door.

“We were just about to come around!” At that exact moment, Eunbi’s parents walked down the stairs of their porch to greet Mrs. Jeon, “Our pleasure, you must be Jeongguk’s mom?”

The mentioned lady only nodded her head, anxiety still struggling to leave her body after thinking she just lost her only son. “I am… Um, I’m sorry about him,”

”No, don’t even!” Eunbi’s mom interrupted, “He’s been nothing but a sweetheart. We would love to have him, you and your husband over for dinner this week. We just moved in and it’d be nice to make friends.” She admitted, slightly embarrassed that her flow of thoughts made her say that out loud.

While the adults were sharing adults-stuff talk, Jeongguk managed to escape his mom’s embrace and go back to his new friend. He pointed the camera to himself, “I’m sorry, my dear public, but the movie has been interrupted.” Jeongguk announced with the saddest voice, looking over at Eunbi who nodded just as dramatically.

Now with the lenses on her, she sighed, “Yes, sadly. Will Barbie save Ken from the zombie apocalypse?” She sounded genuinely upset they didn’t get to find out, “I guess we’ll never know.”

They did find out. Made another four sequels that summer. Jeongguk will forever hold that to his heart as the best he’s ever had, the first time in his 10 years of life he spent the scorching season with a friend by his side, making the heat and the boredom bearable.

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

“Are you even listening to me?” Jimin looks at Jeongguk, annoyance clear on his features when he notices the younger one isn’t paying attention to his rant about cafeteria prices being ridiculously high. They had decided to try and get some assignments done in a coffee shop that had just recently opened, but actually ended up talking about anything but university. Jimin waves a hand in front of the brown haired boy’s face, “Earth to Jeongguk?”

The mentioned boy shakes his head, lifting it from the palm on which he was resting his cheek, “Huh? Sorry, what was that?” Jeongguk hadn't meant to space out, but lately it seems like it's been easier to get lost in his thoughts. Jimin's eyes soften visibly as he sighs.

“It was nothing important,” now that the blonde guy has his friend’s attention again, he thinks of shooting the question he’s been careful about asking. “I was actually wondering if you wanted to come out tomorrow evening. The whole group is going.” Hope fills Jimin's voice and he forces his biggest smile, knowing convincing Jeongguk to go out these past weeks had been close to impossible.

Jeongguk studies his best friend’s face, squinting his eyes suspiciously, “Is she gonna be there?” Such a simple question completely shutters the already minuscule hope Jimin had left.

Still, the blonde head tries to act unbothered, “I did just say that the whole group is going too.” He searches for the younger’s eyes but it looks like he’s already set on a firm answer.

“Then no.” Jeongguk replies, his eyes low on the table, picking up every uninteresting detail he can catch. He knows there’s no actual reason for him to reject Jimin’s invitation. He also knows it’s been a while since he started being this difficult over simple matters he wouldn’t have stressed about months ago. What he doesn’t know is since when he started feeling like he doesn't belong among his own friends. Or better, he does, yet he doesn't want to acknowledge it.

The older of the pair sighs, fixing his hair and trying to find a solution to his friend’s sudden change in demeanour, “You know, you really should talk to her. Sort this thing out between you two.” His voice is careful, almost too delicate. Jimin had always been a big advocate in the truce between the two, if there had even been a war to begin with, yet never managed to make Jeongguk reason with him.

No matter how gentle Jimin was trying to be, he still gets an unwanted reaction from the other man, who now crosses his arms on his chest and furrows his brows. “Oh, so I should be the one to talk first. Why can't it be her? No one ever thinks of the way I’m feeling.” Once again, Jeongguk is being unreasonably difficult. He hates the words he chooses as soon as they come out of his mouth.

Jeongguk knows his friends deeply care for him, especially the one in front of him. They had been glued together since the day they met, now even sharing an apartment. They weren’t totally compatible for multiple reasons, but that’s probably why they became so close. They both added elements that were missing to each other and created a smooth dynamic, a connection able to transcend many barriers.

That’s why Jeongguk knows he can be as childish as he wants, because Jimin will always find the right words to put him in his rational mind again, “Guk, what I’m trying to say is… This is genuinely not healthy for you. You’ve been stressing so much over this and detaching yourself from the others.”

The brown haired boy keeps eye contact with his friend now, no longer escaping confrontation. He’ll admit he’s tired of running. Jimin really hopes his eyes can help his words convey how he feels about this, “They’ve asked me if you’re okay, you know. They noticed. They miss you when you’re not there.”

Hearing this makes Jeongguk bite his lip and look away in thought. He’s never been like this. Jeongguk doesn’t want to be like this. Feels terrible knowing his friends have probably interpreted him being more absent in a completely wrong way. No one else knows about the real reason, except Jimin.

He feels stupid when he realises just seeing her again had taken such a toll on him, when really he loves being surrounded by his people. The people who have been by his side this past year, who made university bearable, with whom he finally felt like he belonged somewhere. Now, one of them is in front of him, trying anything to get him to say a simple yes, “C’mon? It’s gonna be fun, we can just be on our own if you w-“

“Jimin. It’s okay. I’m coming.” He doesn’t know if it’s an impulsive decision, but seeing the incredulous smile on the blonde guy’s face makes him not dwell too much on what he just agreed to.

Jimin scoots his seat closer, putting his hands on Jeongguk’s shoulders, “Really? You’ll come?” Seeing the other boy just nodding at his questions, he makes a sound close to a squeal and claps his hands, “It’s gonna be so fun. The best party we’ve ever been to. I promise!”

The younger one just laughs while Jimin goes on about how he has to update the group chat on Jeongguk’s presence and, “Should we plan our fits? I was thinking of wearing that shirt Hobi lent me that I never gave back.”

Jeongguk laughs, genuinely surprised that his presence could lift Jimin’s spirit up so much. He has been too harsh on himself ever since she made her appearance, thinking it wouldn’t make a difference if he was there or not for the others. Fuck her. Those are his friends too.

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

As soon as he heard the house phone ring, he picked it up. There could be three possible people calling: his aunt, his grandmother, or Eunbi. Guessing by the time displayed on his computer, it had to be the third. With how much the two of them spent talking over the phone (even if they lived next to each other) Jeongguk had asked his mom to get him a desk phone of his own, so it could be easier to call.

Pausing the game he had been close to finishing, he moved the device to his ear, “Hello?”

“Jeongguk…” Noises close to sobs could be heard on the other line, making the boy worry. It was definitely his neighbour’s voice, but something about it was not right.

With his eyes unconsciously wide open, making them bigger than they already were, he got up from his seat on the desk, “Bee? Everything okay?”

Silence was what he was met with initially, until he could hear sniffing and shuffling, “Huh… I don’t know. I think I got the… thing.”

At that, Jeongguk slowed down. Panic slowly left his body, which automatically sat down again on the chair. The boy almost didn’t consider a very important feature characterising his best friend: her being totally over dramatic about anything slightly outside of her usual routine.

If one single hair was out of place; if someone didn’t agree with her; if Jeongguk picked Toad instead of his usual Luigi in Mario Kart. Little meaningless actions that could get Eunbi to either yell, cry, or both.

When anything of the sort would get that reaction out of the girl, Jeongguk would do the most to be an absolute menace and make it ten times worse, just because he enjoyed bickering with her.

However, he knew not to do that in situations like these, when he didn’t know if she was genuinely hurt and needed some sort of comfort, protection. That’s why he did his best to understand the situation, “What… thing are we talking about exactly?”

“I… This is disgusting. But my parents are out, I’m home alone, and,” she sobbed “I need diapers but like, for women.” Another hiccup escaped her.

The boy on the other side didn’t know how to react. Had a vague idea of what could have happened but wasn’t that confident to assume, “What the heck are you talking about.”

“Jeongguk! Just get me those things and come here!” The line got cut abruptly and for a second Jeongguk sat there, just listening to the endless beeping. It resembled what was happening within his brain cells. Think, think, think.

He was pretty sure he saw his mother buying diapers-like stuff, came across them a few times in the bathroom. Knew every time she complained about pain, his dad automatically went out to buy those for her; figured it’s what Eunbi needed and begged for.

Putting the phone down, he sprinted to the upstairs bathroom, glad his parents were still downstairs, probably watching those game shows they love, assuming from their laughter. Which is also how he thought they would react if they saw him digging through his mom’s drawer looking for pads.

He found two types, “Why do they make one for day and one for night…” As he inspected them, he figured he should bring both and let the pained girl try them on or something. Do they go by size? This is weird.

Jeongguk took everything he could find and put it in his backpack, hurriedly going down the stairs and just then realising he had to come up with an excuse to his parents’ questioning eyes.

“Huh… Eunbi wanted to show me a new game she got. I’ll be back in a few.” He nodded enthusiastically, more to himself for being so quick on the spot, and rapidly exited the door before anything his parents said could stop him.

When he rang the doorbell, the first time wasn’t successful. He unconsciously bit his lip and tried again, worried something might have happened. With his finger hovering over the buzzer for a third time, the door suddenly opened and a messy haired Eunbi pulled him in.

“This is insane. I’m only eleven. This can’t be happening, Gguk. I used Dad’s computer to look this up and it’s saying this comes every month. Every month!” His back to the door, the boy was held hostage by his babbling best friend on the verge of a serious crisis, “This is the end of m-“

“Jesus Christ, stop.” Jeongguk put his hands on her shoulders, trying to get the scared girl to stop panicking, “I got what you need. They’re called pads, by the way. Also, why do I know more about this than you?” The older boy knew he shouldn’t be pissing off his already very pissed off neighbour, but he can’t help it. Loved making fun of her.

Still, with Eunbi’s voice being surely audible even from outside the house, yelling at him for disrespecting her, he took out the women-diapers and handed them to her, “Listen, I’m not sure how these work. I can look it up online, if you w-“

“No, oh my god. You don’t wanna see what I saw. I’ll figure this out.” Tugging the five packs of pads to her chest, she nodded confidently. She rocked on her heels, lifting her shoulders up and then down releasing a long sigh, almost as if she was waiting for something else. Jeongguk exchanged her (not so) convinced nod, not sure what else to do, “Huh… Okay, go.”

“Yes! Right,” Nodding again, this time repeatedly, she turned around. Not even one step in, she spinned to face the older boy again, embarrassment dancing on her cheeks, “Um… actually, stand outside the door?” She smiled her sweetest one and, without waiting for an answer, dragged him to the bathroom door, closing it to his face but still talking through the whole thing, oh, I think it fits like this; no, maybe like that. This doesn’t feel so bad. Just sticky. Jeongguk wasn’t sure this was what he agreed to when becoming friends with a girl.

Twenty minutes later, the newly menstruating girl came out of the room, looking up at her best friend. He was glad something different was now showing on her face, something close to relief, “I feel better, Gguk. I feel like this is a new beginning,” which was followed by her endless ranting — review and all — on this new experience. She couldn’t believe she shared her first period with Jeongguk. Heck, Jeongguk couldn’t either.

“Why didn’t you just call your mom?” With a movie playing in the background, only after an hour of looking up “menstrual cycle” online, he genuinely wondered why he was the one there instead of her mom or one of her girl friends.

By the looks of it, Eunbi didn’t take the simple question that well, “I get it, you hate me, you think I’m annoying and-“

“God, you get what I mean when I say you’re over dramatic?”

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

That version of Eunbi feels much closer to the one that’s in front of him right now, turned around and waiting in line to get inside the club all their friends decided to go to together. After agreeing impulsively, there was much rethinking on his side, but Jimin would keep begging him to just come, it’ll be a fun night.

Sure. There he is. Not even in, and already hating every second of it. It was not only because of her, Jeongguk just didn’t get the hype around dancing for hours and being suffocated by other sweating drunk bodies. To be completely honest, he dreaded these places. Now even more, having to witness Eunbi fighting with random men that take pissing people off as a hobby.

The worst thing that could happen to her already over dramatic personality is being joined by the origin of drama itself, Dahye. The latter is actually the reason why the now yelling girl became part of his friend group. In the middle of last semester, she had to look for a roommate and fate wanted her to be the last person on earth he wished to see again, especially in Seoul. However, they instantly kicked off and she got introduced to the others, which also included Jeongguk. Imagine his face when he saw her.

Everything led to this moment though, with Eunbi and Dahye entertaining the dumb, probably already drunk guys over an even dumber argument, “How are you judging me for drinking a Sex on the Beach when you literally reek of beer, the worst beverage on earth.”

Jeongguk doesn’t know if he’s glad or not that the girl didn’t lose her blabbering tendencies, the little kid inside him enjoying the bickering and seeing her worked up over dismissible issues. However, no matter if she’s discussing cocktails or science, he feels like keeping his guard up high this time, just because these men don’t look like they have the best intentions, and he doesn’t want anybody to get hurt. Anybody.

He’s proved right when they emit the ugliest laughs at Eunbi’s claims, with one of them getting almost all up in her face, which Jeongguk doesn’t like at all. He takes a step further, securing a safer spot behind the girls in case something happens and he has to intervene. You never know with the two roommates, it’s not the first time they’ll be causing a scene. It’s not because he cares about the shorter girl. He’s just worried about her potentially getting the group kicked out. Yeah.

Licking his lips, the bald guy (not even an inch taller than the girls in flat sandals) squares the Sex on the Beach girl up and down, doesn’t look like he’s close to letting the stupid fight go, “Let me guess, the cocktail, those shoes, the attitude… You probably study some dumb shit like Psychology, huh?”

Such a meaningless statement gets all his minions to laugh, patting his shoulders and making more comments amongst themselves. Dahye rolls her eyes, unamused by the whole act, “That’s not the outrage you think it is, babe.”

That only gets the drunk men to laugh more, Jeongguk squeezing his fists for a second and instantly reading the look on the other angered girl’s face, knowing she’s probably ready to turn this into the worst night of every present person’s life just for the sake of her degree’s reputation.

“Ha, ha. Very funny. It’s Literature, you dickwad. You know, you're single-handedly making engineers’ notoriety even worse than it actually is.” Jeongguk knows there’s no stopping Eunbi, but he wishes he could right now. He’s glad the girl is able to stand her own ground, but is also afraid this may end horribly.

The counterpart of the diss seems taken aback, his two brain cells struggling even more because of the alcohol in his body, “How do you know I’m an engineer?”

Having it served on a silver plate, the girl in her short dress smirks, “‘Cause you look like a fucking dick.”

The men feign their surprise, the guy that mainly entertained the conversation saying something along the lines of Wanna see?, pointing at his down area and snickering, while his friends act like he’s the absolute peak of comedy.

Jeongguk has to clench his jaw, not at all pleased with how the situation is escalating. He knows Eunbi can handle such stuff, but he swears he’s one more comment away from stepping in.

On the other hand, she doesn’t seem to mind, not even thinking of backing up and showing the guy her pointer finger and thumb almost touching, indicating the guy’s size. Jeongguk slightly smirks. Then immediately wipes that off his face. He doesn’t find her funny.

“You know, this is the third time you end up talking about my dick,” the bastard is getting closer to his friends, and Jeongguk hates that. “You’re funny, you just need to be disciplined.”

As soon as those words leave his mouth, Eunbi doesn’t hesitate to invade the guy’s personal space too, holding eye contact, ready to literally throw hands if not for Dahye quickly catching her arm to move her away.

The bald head scoffs, before adding the filthiest shit his misogynistic limited mind could come up with, “If you ever need this engineer’s dick when whatever you’re studying leaves your ass on the sidewalk, you can come suck it for a couple of wons.”

Jeongguk sees absolute red for a second. He’s had more than enough now, putting a hand on Eunbi’s shoulder before anything more than an incredulous gasp could leave her mouth. He makes himself noticed, not that it was hard with his taller figure, taking matters in his own hands, “What the hell is your problem, man?”

When the mentioned guy diverts his eyes from the girl he just degraded and moves them on Jeongguk, he takes a step back. Still, he doesn’t stop his dirty mouth from running, “Shit, is she already busy with you? Sorry, man.”

His group laughs at that too, and the taller boy unconsciously squeezes his hand on the girl’s shoulder, clenching his jaw. “You’re fucking disgusting. Get the fuck out of here before I make you.”

What his eyes convey is definitely stronger than the words he lets out, wishing he could destroy every bone in the guy’s body, who now knows to stop being so smart. He mutters a few more comments though, making it harder for Jeongguk to not act upon his violent thoughts, “I’ll give you three fucking seconds.”

That makes the guy lift his hands up in surrender and finally turn the other way, distancing himself even from his friends, who don’t find him amusing anymore.

Jeongguk thinks the whole thing is over, but of course he should have trusted his wide knowledge on the fussy girl’s behaviour more, and predicted that she wouldn’t have let it go so easily, “Oh, so now that a man broke in you shut up, huh? Come talk, you little pus-“

“Eunbi. C’mon. We have to get in,” It’s — strangely — Dahye who doesn’t go along with her roommate and instead directs her to the entry, assuring her how there’s going to be no more trouble and just a long night of fun. The other girl just scoffs, too busy looking back at those men to try and get them to react again, but when she’s inside and she loses sight of them she finds her eyes meeting Jeongguk’s, who is directly behind her.

The interaction is awkward, to say the least. She slightly bows at him in recognition, while he just nods and does his best to avoid finding her eyes again, resorting to turning around in search for Jimin, probably way behind with Hoseok.

He’s so thankful when he feels a pat on his shoulder, and looking to his side it’s Namjoon that pulls him into a side hug, “That was tuff, man.”

“Ah, nothing,” Jeongguk nods, adrenaline still struggling to leave his body and not allowing him to relax. He follows his friend’s steps even if they’re going in the same direction as the person he’s now even more than before trying to avoid. He didn’t plan to be this close to her for so long.

“I thought you hated,” the taller guy uses his chin to refer to the girl in front of them. “But here you are defending her.”

The other guy is glad for the loud music playing, the last thing he wanted was for the mentioned girl to hear. He also doesn’t want Namjoon or anyone else to think that was him coming in her defence. It was just common sense. Doesn’t know why he felt like breaking the guy’s nose though. Figures that’s common sense too.

Before he can justify himself, the remaining members of the group reach them, giving Jeongguk the chance to get away from the sight of the girl but still feeling a burning sensation on his tongue. The need to make himself clear.

The chaotic atmosphere is even more emphasised by his already tipsy friends telling him again and again how happy they are to see him here, shaking him by the shoulders with way too much enthusiasm. Now distracted by the earlier incident, he just jokes with them like usual, but he feels a nervous sensation creeping up his neck. With a drink in his hand, he tries to follow the music, but he can’t seem to focus.

When Jeongguk finds Namjoon again, who was already handed a drink by Jimin, he gets close to his ear, replying to his previous insinuation, “I wasn’t- defending her.”

The older guy furrows his brows at him, signalling the conversation being over and certainly not that important, “Sure, man.” Showing his thumbs up, Namjoon scream sings some lyrics at him, Jeongguk still feeling a bit uneasy. He just needed to specify that. He was not defending Eunbi. Well, technically. But Dahye was there too, and she’s his friend. Of course he would have done th-

“Ggukkie!” It’s Jimin’s voice pulling him away from his thoughts, but also pulling him closer to the floor, “I’m so happy you’re here! This is fun, no?”

Jeongguk nods and chuckles at his best friend’s horrific dance moves, just now realising how tipsy he already is but taking it as the opportunity to fully let what happened go.

The rest of the night is unexpectedly fun. He’s surrounded by great energy that his friends keep oozing, and he realises just how much he had missed laughing to the point of his stomach hurting. Shouting when the group's favourite songs came on. Chuckling at a way too drunk Hoseok trying to get him to move his hips a bit more. Of course, he should have predicted his friends’ main goal is to get absolutely shit faced tonight. He isn’t really in the mood for that, though enjoying the state of the others while too much alcohol is flowing in their bodies.

No drinking means Jeongguk’s social battery is running out much faster than the others’, not having enough energy to entertain the constant back and forth between his friends, and certainly to handle them not even needing one single break from the dance floor.

At some point during the endless dancing, he settles on just being by the bar counter, sitting on a stool and taking no more than a few sips from the drink Jimin had given him as soon as he had stepped foot in the club, which was hours ago by now. He doesn’t know why, but alcohol tastes awful on his tongue tonight and it’s a task on its own to even swallow it.

”Can I buy you a drink?” It comes from a silky voice on his right, close enough to startle him slightly before he recollects and takes in the girl looking at his face expectantly. She has soft features framed by smooth blonde hair, completely contrasted by her intense makeup and burgundy mini dress. So far from his type, but Jeongguk entertains it for some reason.

”Well, you stole my line there,” the smile he gives her is gentle but playful and it sets the girl into a fit of giggles, clearly amused by the mysterious dark guy sitting alone by the bar. And that’s exactly what she tells him, ”I had to give it a try, you get me? I love boys that look just like they need to be fixed.”

“That is absolutely ridiculous,” he genuinely laughs, and he’s joined by her. Jeongguk can’t lie, the conversation between them takes off right from the start. It’s a nice back and forth that takes his mind off things for a while, not enough to actually give into her flirty intentions, but enough to eventually move to the dance floor with her. She’s witty and he likes that about her. Abbey? Ashley? He clearly doesn’t like her enough to remember. Or maybe he just doesn’t care.

He can’t bring himself to, especially when his line of vision falls right on a tipsy Dahye-less Eunbi next to what seems to be more than one guy. She’s laughing a lot and he’s sure none of what the men are spluttering can be that funny. It’s probably just the alcohol, and that is enough for him to keep him observing. Only to make sure nothing bad happens.

Abbey-Ashley must have noticed his sudden disinterest, and with boldness she wraps her short arms around his neck, bringing him way too close to her face than he had planned to be to any woman this night. The eye contact is uncomfortable, and Jeongguk is itching to keep checking on whatever was happening not too far from him, but the blonde speaks her wittiness again, “You won’t let me offer you a drink and you’re not willing to dance with me, is this how men feel?”

The pearly smile on her face lets him know the setting between them is still playful, so he just shakes his head letting a small giggle out of his mouth. Now with the woman almost hanging from his neck, he resolves on just going along with her moves, and when he steals a glance at the girl he was previously keeping an eye on and sees her staring back he feels a sense of unwarranted satisfaction.

He keeps searching for that, wanting more of that groundless feeling but all he’s met with is more and more flashes of her digging a hole he’s afraid she’s gonna fall in, with the men acting way too friendly and her drunk mind not noticing. Or just not caring.

When the blonde in front of him starts being a little too inclined on taking the physical contact further, he regrets not even finishing his previous and only drink of the night, wishing he could give in but knowing he can’t with his mind thinking way too rationally and being too aware of his surroundings. He genuinely thinks Abbey-Ashley is a nice girl, and he feels sorry knowing he’s going to reject her. Thinks it was kind of fuckboy-ish for him to go along with her knowing they’re on two completely different lines, but still doing it because it seemed like the quickest escape from his running mind.

He gently puts his hands on her waist, intent on moving her away and trying to come up with a reasonable excuse, when he hears his name being called and for the second time tonight, he’s glad Namjoon’s parents fucked. ”Hey, JK- oh shoot, am I interrupting something?”

The smokey eyed girl breaks away from her moment and seems suddenly very interested in hearing Jeongguk’s answer, batting her eyelashes at him in hopes of getting a different reaction from what she knows the evident one is going to be. She did know the brown haired man was not interested; she still figured she could try and change that.

Jeongguk moves his gaze from his friend to the girl and hesitates, “Huh… not really.” He gives an awkward tight lipped smile, thinking this is fucking embarassing, then tries not to read too much in Namjoon’s weirded out expression, “What’s up?”

“Everybody is leaving, Jimin and Dahye already did with Hoseok after throwing up on three sofas.” Namjoon scoffs, rolling his eyes amusedly, “Anyway, see you in uni?”

Jeongguk has a few questions he’s afraid to know the answer to, but still he daps up his friend and then inevitably searches with his eyes for Eunbi, the reason for his worry. He knows Dahye, her usual ride home, will kill him if he lets her roommate wander off with some random men while drunk. Hell, he himself wouldn’t let that happen. He dislikes the girl, but he’s still human.

Jeongguk stresses even more when he sees her directed towards the exit with said guys. He completely disconnects from what the burgundy dressed girl is telling him, only picking up a “Can I get your number, though?”

Maybe it’s his guiltiness acting, or just him wanting to find a quick escape, but he does share his number in surely unanswered hope that she’s going to give up reaching out to him eventually. That does get her to part ways though, not before a sneaky kiss is left on his cheek. He really wants to kill Eunbi.

His next steps are directed towards her, ready to re-enact his previous success at getting rid of those beer stinking misogynists, but he’s left surprised, and in some sense relieved, when he sees her standing alone, arms wrapped around her small freezing figure with her phone to her ear. When he gets closer, he’s able to catch her muttering nasty remarks towards Dahye, so bad that he believes her roommate can feel them right now, in her probably passed out state and all.

”Fucking fuck, why is she not answering,” Before she can dial her number for the fifth time, she spots Jeongguk on her right, and for the first time since they saw each other again in years, she seems glad that he’s there, “Jeongguk!” Her voice is giddy, and he thinks he hasn’t heard his name being said like that in a long time.

Still, he keeps an unbothered act up while standing in front of her, hands in his jeans pockets, “Dahye went home already. I’m guessing she was your ride home.”

Now, he knows she’s overdramatic, but with alcohol flowing through her system that trait of her surely reaches its finite form. She lets out an incredulously loud gasp, mouth hanging and all, and whispers some more insults under her breath. When she still doesn’t reply, he listens more attentively to what she’s muttering and he latches on to her intention of going back home with a taxi, “I have 9,000 won on me, so that will probably do, Eunbi…”

He witnesses beyond belief the girl in front of him giving herself a whole encouraging speech before taking off onto the road, uncareful of eventual vehicles steering on it. That triggers his instinct, yelling her name. It unexpectedly but luckily stops her in her tracks, making her turn around with a not so pleased expression.

Jeongguk can’t believe what he’s offering to do while having to be met with that look on her face. Ugh, brat. “What the hell are you doing? C’mon, I’m taking you home.”

The laugh she lets out is so obnoxious and loud that a few people actually turn around startled, and Jeongguk has to literally sprint over to her, holding her wrist to bring her further away from the road and from the club’s entrance, “Shut up, God,” He whisper yells, while she seems to do the exact opposite.

It luckily stops at some point, but as if nothing ever happened she turns too serious too soon, ”You…” Her finger is pointed at Jeongguk’s chest in what seems to be a menacing manner, eyes narrowed and dipping into his, “You own that loud bike. I’m not getting on it. Not getting on it!” She yells that last sentence, making a scene as if she was trying to break free from Jeongguk’s hold, which he immediately drops, while still trying to get her to be quiet.

The genuinely desperate expression on the boy’s face is enough for her next move to be crouching in half, holding her stomach as unexpected laughter holds her body hostage once again, Jeongguk sighing unbelievably and regretting every single thought of his that led him to follow her outside.

”Can you please- be normal,” Jeongguk actually begs, bringing the girl up and noticing real tears around her eyes, smudging her glittery makeup. He doesn’t know what’s so funny, his expression clearly conveying that annoyment.

”You- You’re too funny,” She giggles, recovering from her sudden fit of laughter, which dies down slowly this time with her emitting a long sigh. The drunk girl shakes her head to herself, retrieving her phone once again and opening the Uber app. Jeongguk is having none of it.

”I’m being serious. I’m not letting you get a taxi at this hour. You’re getting on that loud bike, like it or not.” His firm statement is luckily not followed by chuckles, nor by a witty remark, just her snapping her head up with big eyes staring into his unsurely. He feels like having to deal with an eleven year old all over again, only this time his patience is running thin and he doesn’t feel like waiting.

The girl catches up to him, trying her best to keep up with his pace and following him closely to the vehicle that’s going to be her ride home tonight. She shivers, not only because she’s cold but also because she’s rethinking life choices. Eunbi scrambles to find anything to avoid what was bound to happen, her slow mind trying to come up with a quick escape and not even registering Jeongguk putting his jacket around her shoulders and securing the helmet under her chin, while she almost literally just stands there. “I’m sure-” she hiccups, “I’m sure that blonde girl would love to be in my position right now.”

That is not at all how it was supposed to come out nor sound, the confusion evident on the boy’s face being met with horror written in the girl’s expression. She stutters, “I meant, like- you should be taking her home.”

A part of his brain notes the fact that she was also observing him from a distance not too long ago inside the club, but he leaves that thought for his late night thinking. Right now, he chuckles amusedly, sitting on his bike while adjusting his hair, “Hop on. It won’t kill you.”

The possibility of the bike killing her almost does it for her, until she remembers the other option. Having to pay for an Uber at 4 a.m. while too drunk to even formulate a senseful sentence. In front of her instead, a free ride by no one other than the boy she’s been shamelessly avoiding for no reason, too scared to actually confront him. What a great second option.

Still, she balances herself using his shoulders and gets on the bike, not knowing where to put her hands next. That thought seems to be registering at the same time in Jeongguk’s head, who revs the engine, “I suggest you hold onto me.”

Eunbi scoffs, shoving her straightened hair back in a sassy manner, “There’s no way in hell-“ Her remark is abruptly interrupted by a loud squeal, followed by her arms wrapping around his torso in under one millisecond, with Jeongguk suddenly taking off at full speed.

He laughs a genuine one, and that gets the scared girl pissed beyond hell, yelling in his ear about how she hates his guts with her hands almost close to groping his pecs. Can you blame her? They’re the closest thing she can hold on to right now to survive.

He does slow down, as does his laughter and her screaming, but then as he rounds the club he spots the men who had been bothering Eunbi at the beginning of the night intent on crossing the street. He figures he can play a bit more before actually stopping sabotaging the girl in the back’s health. Just a little something to get back at them for their comments. So, he zooms right past them, cutting their way suddenly and almost probably going over one of their toes, their incredulous yelling and remarks being music for his ears, joined by the girl he’s taking home as she screams more insults at him, looking back at the angered men getting further as Jeongguk drives away.

”Are you trying to take my life?” She’s almost voiceless as she tries to make herself heard over the engine, squeezing Jeongguk’s waist in genuine fear. All she gets back from the biker is a giggle, and a tap on her knee, “Sorry. They deserved it. You can relax now.”

As suspicious as she may have been initially, he didn’t lie. The rest of the ride is pleasant, slow driving while a sweet summer breeze brushes her face and makes her hair flow with the wind. No one dares break the moment, not even at red lights when the only sound that can be heard over the silence is the growling motor. Eunbi is glad Jeongguk knows the way to her flat, having already been there with the others for a few house parties she and Dahye hosted. That means she can just zone out in the back, her head resting on Jeongguk’s shoulders, and right in this moment she doesn’t regret almost risking her life, the sight of the city flashing past her making her forget all about it.

When Jeongguk can feel the grip around his torso getting loose, he taps her knee twice, afraid she might be falling asleep. He’s proved right when that gesture gets her to suddenly shake her head, muttering some noises and tightening her hold around him again. He smiles, ”We’re almost home, don’t fall asleep on me.”

Indeed, the sight of her building comes to view shortly after, Jeongguk stopping in front of it and waiting for his backpack to get off the bike. When she does, she stumbles slightly, seemingly gaining consciousness of her surroundings again. Jeongguk notices she completely wrapped herself in his leather jacket, figures she was probably freezing to death in that short dress of hers. Thinks it’s a cute sight. Regrets having a brain right after.

Said cute sight struggles to take off the helmet, Jeongguk itching to help her, but she succeeds unexpectedly without any help. Still no word being uttered by any of the two, with her hair a tangled mess, she gets close to him and repeats the same actions Jeongguk did to her earlier, handing his jacket back and putting the helmet around his head. When she’s done she pats it, then takes a step back.

A simple ride home on Jeongguk’s bike seems to have opened a black hole of unsaid truths, being communicated by their eyes just staring at each other. None of them is ready to voice them out, though. Eunbi clears her throat, pulling the hem of her dress down as a habit, clearly out of embarrassment. Then, she fixes her locks, “That’s very dangerous, you know?”

Jeongguk hums questionly, moving some of his bangs out of his vision and clearly seeing goosebumps rising on the girl’s skin, unsure of why she prefers trying to converse after minutes of silence over warming up in her flat.

“You giving me your helmet and your jacket. What if you hurt yourself?” She keeps muttering some more remarks under her breath, probably slander reserved just for him this time. He can make out a dumbass. What a nerve.

She may be right, though. Without his jacket on, he was only covered by a tight black shirt, nothing on his head to save him from any eventuality he doesn’t want to consider. Still, he clearly doesn’t see why he wouldn’t have preferred to protect her instead of himself, but he doesn’t exactly say that, “If I didn’t do that, you would have been a popsicle by now.”

The girl giggles, proving him right when she wraps her arms around her figure, “So, you do this for every girl? What if one of them gets you killed?”

Jeongguk scoffs amusedly, shaking his head at her implication, but deciding to ignore it, “The only one who got me close to that was you.” He only says that to gain one of her too over the top reactions, and he’s glad when she furrows her brows, hanging her mouth and bringing a hand to her chest. He chuckles, “If anything you should be thanking me.”

The usually over dramatic girl now just nods, taking in the smile on his face and grasping the fact that it hasn’t been directed at her in a long time before this moment. She smiles too, “Yeah, huh… Thanks. For the ride. ‘T was nice.”

Jeongguk figures the wind must have dried up almost all the alcohol from Eunbi’s body, because she seems to be realising, just as he is, how close they have gotten to one another while ignoring the huge elephant in the room, her attitude being way less sassy and picky with this knowledge. Fazed by this sudden but obvious realisation, he only nods.

The girl quickly notices the change in his demeanour and she nervously bites her lower lip, aware their dynamic is going to return to cold stares and unacknowledgement, but still wanting to hold onto this moment even for one more second. “Oh,” her chest jumps in some sort of gasp, realising she still has something else to thank him for, “Thanks for earlier. You know, with those guys. I appreciated it.”

Differently from Eunbi, Jeongguk wants to be done with this pretence already. As soon as he found himself getting too lost in the fantasy of them still being friends, he quickly recovered and put the wall up high again, making the distance between them even farther than it was before. He doesn’t miss the sadness in her eyes when that shift happens, but he also doesn’t want to dwell too much on it, his tone unbothered all of the sudden while his eyes convey a different story, “No problem. Get inside.”

She nods, giving him a tight lipped smile, turning around slowly and making her way to the front door of the building. She expects to hear the roaring of the bike’s engine, but the only sound that can be heard is that of the birds waking up and singing their morning songs.

Jeongguk stays in his spot on the bike until he sees the girl enter the block, releasing a breath he didn’t know he was holding and then securing the helmet under his chin. Pats it, then immediately retreats his hand. “Dumbass,” That’s his signal he needs to get home as soon as possible and get some sleep, already imagining how difficult such a simple task will be with his mind running a hundred miles per hour. Fucking Bee.

[kouginoa]

PSYCHO PASS PROVIDENCE (english dub) Kougami & Akane moments. (SPOILERS)

at the end i added a photo of me in akane cosplay & kou in popcorn hehe 

this is a mess sorry... 

PT.1 [ how i felt, what im feeling, what i understood and what i saw ]

where do i begin, AH, ill start off with saying psycho-pass will forever make me so happy and i will always find comfort in this show. i’m so happy to have heard the english dub cast again. 

[ i want to say, my movie experience was pretty piss poor sadly, and tbh, i could not focus AT ALL on the movie, on what i feel like was 85% of the time. there was someone in the theater that was kinda like live commenting on the movie and it was so annoying and really broke the most emotional parts. after the movie i cried quietly a bit because i really have been waiting a year for it just for it to come out and be ruined by someone who could not shut their mouth.... just a psa: if your going to see a movie, please remember the space you are in ]

this is kinda just a ramble so sorry if it doesn't make sense~ 

the movie was truly amazing and TBH REALLY HELPED ME UNDERSTAND SEASON 3 in regards to not only why Akane was in jail but to better understand Arata & Kei. which i have to say, i have gown a little more fond of Arata and makes me wonder what more he is going to do in hopefully the later movies/ or hopefully seasons 

there was a lot that happen like ginoza’s hair flying in the wind and also kogamis wet hair but yeah ill skip to the part that really made me think a lot and the part that i could not stop thinking about Akane’s note to Kougami, and the very end/ the end of the movie being him saying he will get Akane out.

PT.2 [ Akane & Kougami]

NOW Kougami and Akane. wow, the part of kougami covering her from the bomb... we love to see it. KOUGAMI CARRYING HER BRIDLE STYLE AGAIN. WE LOVE TO SEE IT !!!!!!! god,,, any moment where it was just them two i wanted to cry and scream, i really need to relive the movie again alone because it was super super good and my dumbass has a pea for a brain and felt like if  i was to have any real reaction my brother (who so kindly went with me to the movie) would just look at me. 

but really they broke my heart many many times during this movie, kougami calling akane, trying to work his way to say sorry but ended up just being a smart ass and akane saying that she wishes he just said sorry. I WANTED TO SCREAM. i feel like this film was really eveything we have been wanting to see out of the two... i really feel bad for akane i do, i don’t know how to explain it but i feel like she was really never able to truly able to talk to kou. i mean she did in the elevator and during the phone call,,, but since kou never said sorry i feel like she never got to talk to him and i felt like it was really a lot for her and what all she experienced. 

kougami saying that he lives with out regret makes me feel like is what pushed akane to do what she did, i want to say, i really wanted to cry, REALLY wanted to cry when akane wrote a letter to him, kou calling akane an idiot/fool just like she did during season one, maybe i feel like, just how much it effected akane when kou wrote her a letter it kinda had the same effect on him. akane ending up in jail really gave kougami a new push, a push he hasn't had in a while

PT.3 [Gino, Kou, Akane]

going off of that kougami’s care for akane has grown as we know it’s party the reason why he came back to Japan was a way to see her and see how much shes has changed things for the better good. but Ginoza and Kougami talking about her really was truly sweet. Ginoza adores Akane a lot, and dare i say is kinda like an unsaid older brother. i thought it was really sweet to hear that Gionza wants to protect akane and make sure nothing happens to her. but with that being said... i really cant begin to think what ginoza felt after what akane did. 

poor ginoza really, i have gown really fond of him in the years leading up to now, after really seeing and understanding how much he cares for akane and how much he wants the best out of her, and how much he wants to see her grow. the part where gionza pushes kou against the wall in anger (for akane) really was fun to see. kougami not keeping his word (we knew he wouldn't) of saying out of their hair. ginoza, what a silly man. to think kou wouldnt find his way back home.. 

PT.4 [ ill shut up now <3 ]

to end- the way the movie ended and the way season three ended makes me want to cry,, even right now, as i said before, akane gave kougami a drive that it doesn't seem like he has has for a while now. although he has always felt the need to also take care of akane this time was different, he feels like she got there because of him, so its now party his job to get her out, 

but it makes me think of the end of season three and when kougami went to go and pick her up, that, besides saying that he was there to get her he also said sorry the sorry that akane had been waiting to hear for a while... but anyways... i think this movie really helped us better understand what more akane and kougmi relationship has faced, and also i like to think this all happen and now they are on the same level and have a better understanding of each other. kougami and akane are and have for once meet as equals. 

i think, what Akane did was really really smart, a smart way to show the world what is going on behind closed doors and how the system that japan is ran on is- like what any government system is,,, flawed. but also how the Sibyl System can be a good stepping stool to an EVEN better system but there just has to be some changes . BUT i also like to believe that while the sibyl system is evil and crazy i think it has its benefits, but just needs to be used wisely and more as a (again) steeping stool rather then a latter, point being... i think in this movie thats what i feel like what was being made super clear, that there needs to be room for growth for both the sibyl system and using it as a helping hand rather than relying it to fully judge someone.

i bet none of this made any sense, im writing this at 1:15AM after a con weekend with no glasses on :D , but this was my thoughts and my opinions about the movie unbiased... i have not read what anyone else had said, i didn't want what i was thinking to be affected by anyone else. but i cant wait to read some ! i like many of you, have been waiting for this for a really long time now and tbh am super sad that the  movie experience was not 100% it wasn't only the person saying shit though-out the whole movie but it was also bad on the theater i went to part as well,,, and like i said, i want to cry, i really do, my first time seeing the move was shat on and just have a hard time remembering what happened due to my bean for a brain lol... anywho

if you have any questions regarding the movie PLEASE DROP A QUESTION IN MY ASK BOX !!!! i want to better format my thoughts and i do best with questions hehehe

as promised… me cosplaying akane (wtf face reveal !??) to the movies + kou in the popcorn 🍿

☆ love u all <3 thanks for making this place, a place where i can talk about anything regarding psycho pass, you don’t understand :,)

[theaviskullguy]

D&D Obey me- Lucifer, Mammon, + The Twins!

@trash-opposum here you go. seperate post so people can find it but here!

Disclaimer, if i do the rest, im going to avoid making EVERYONE a tiefling or aasimar, those are just for who i think are exceptionally appropriate/is how im playing them as my current dnd character is just Belphegor. If yall want me to make the others (Asmo, Levi, Satan, maybe Diavlo but who knows) let me know!

so let's GOOOOOOOO

Lucifer

Aasimar, the kind from Mordenkainen so no special extra type

Noble background, mainly cause i cant think of anything else

As for class, we have four potential options

Two varieties of Paladin, cleric, or warlock

First paladin variety- Oathbreaker

In this case he was probably originally Devotion before the revolution, and whoops! Oath Broken!

It'd either be a point of pride for him ("I fought for what I believe is right, and there is no shame in that") or he'd hide it from everyone

Second paladin- order of the Crown! obviously because of Diavlo. fellas is it gay to swear undying devotion to your future ki- *gets shot*

Cleric, then Order Domain. clerics are sworn to gods and not demons but shush his patron might still be Diavlo. in an actual D&D setting i can see him instead swearing to like Tyr or something.

he wont be healing. clerics are tanky he's out here ordering people to drop their weapons and then fucking murdering them

Warlock, gotta be fiend patron. im not sure if its possible to be your own patron but itd be funny as shit. worse case its fiend patron with some flavor homebrew as i call it to literally just be a fiend in his own right climbing the infernal ladder as he levels up

i promise the others wont be as long

Mammon

Earth Genasi as those are descended from the Dao, which are the greediest genie. Also, they just look rich with gem-like stuff growing in cracks on their skin you just know Mammon's one of them

Charlatan background. he is scamming people left and right and it works

Rogue, thief subclass. Honestly any subclass other than Arcane Trickster (hes not smart enough) or Scout (hes not equipped for the "outside of civilization" shit)

Unlike for Lucifer, the others have Backstory! Woo!

Mammon is the son of a Dao and a human. His human parent helped him escape from the Elemental Plane of Earth, but then he was left on his own

So. He quickly learned how to con people. At first it was for survival, and then greed.

He found Lucifer while running one of these cons. In particular, his "con" was a vanishing act. He claimed he could become "one with the earth" when really he was curling up on the ground and casting Pass Without Trace. Lucifer saw through this illusion and threatened to out Mammon as a conman, unless he joined him as his ally. So, he did.

Lucifer keeps him in check, but that's not to say Mammon isn't fully on the straight and narrow

Beelzebub

Tiefling!!! variant tiefling favored to have fly wings.

Outlander background, ill explain why in a sec

Barbarian. Need I say More?

actually i will- Totem animal, spirit of the bear. Since bear gets resistance to all damage (other than psychic) while raging and i feel that works with Beel more than anything

now for his backstory! he isnt canon in the campaign im playing belphie in but his backstory has the same catalyst. When he was five years old, the kingdom he lived in was caught in a rebellion against a tyrant. In which, Beel saw his older sister get killed by a royal guard. Belphie was going to be killed- but was protected by a tiefling in a knight's armor (my previous character who was killed. rip avi)

Beel, in his five-year-old mind, just ran. He took off without a second thought- a decision he now regrets deeply.

He ran into the surrounding woodlands. And gets an Atalanta-style backstory. For those who dont know, Atalanta was a princess who was abandoned in the woods and raised by bears

So Beel is raised by bears. Which is way better than being raised by wolves

They teach him how to hunt, gather, and its all well and cute. He sometimes entered the rebuilding kingdom to trade in leftover meat for clothes and weapons- and, to try and find Belphie. No luck.

Eventually, Beel grows to be a powerful warrior. Hangry, sure, but his rage hold the rage of freaking bears. so keep him fed. please.

Anyways Lucifer and the gang (everyone minus belphie) encounter Beel in the woods, watching the cubs. Beel agrees to adventure with them. He says goodbye to bear mom and promises to visit- hopefully, with his twin, next time.

Belphegor

hehe its ME

Zariel Tiefling but i dont give a shit about the infernal legacy its just There. tail is a cow's tail he basically just looks like his demon form

Hermit background. again ill explain in a sec

Druid, circle of stars! to people about to scream "i just checked the wikidot why he no circle of dreams??" because that doesnt have to do with dreams and sleep as i wished it did. its the obligatory faewild subclass. i hate the faewild subclasses (other than the bard one that ones fun)

Currently n the campaign im in we're level 5, so his two wildshapes are wolf, and a bull. But he also has his three starry forms due to being circle of stars.

now. backstory! strap in this is Long

he's saved by my previous dnd character- Avi- and is taken in by him and his husband when the rebellion was over.

Except. due to seeing his sister die and not seeing his twin after that, Belphie assumed the worse and thought that Beel also died and he was the last one of his family

He fell into a pretty deep depression and had no motivation to do anything besides sleep, cry, and eat very tiny portions of meals.

eventually his adoptive dads start telling him stories. and. surprisingly. they seem to help! Belphie is still a shrinking violet but he eats more and can cook and do basic chores!

And Then Avi Goes Missing

His husband- Skull- asks the now 11 year old Belphie if he wants to come along to find him. Belphie declines, saying he needs to get in control of his life and some big quest is probably just gonna leave him with more trauma

Skull lets him stay home, and gives him one of his feathers. So if Belphie ever needs a hand, he can call Skull over and. well. have one of his dads at least

For five years, Belphie took to studying druidcraft, and the stars. He also enchanted his favorite pillow to float and be able to carry him. So he had a little more comfort when going out to buy groceries. He'd make detailed star maps to sell in return

When the sun rose on his 16th birthday, he left a note at home saying he felt ready to tackle his own destiny, and left.

He had a brush with Lucifer, but not Beel. so close, buddy.

Anyways he arrives at The Hunters Guild, finds his parents again, and takes residence in the observatory, where he studies his stars and druid magic again. But also, sleep and dreams.

and. yeah thats where we leave off! god that was long im sorry

[minkkumaz]

SOMEONE OLDER

la poésie romantique. words spoken passionately, yet holding no sincere meaning when spoken by all your past loves. but he held the key to your heart that no man ever could, establishing the belief that you didn't need anyone other than him; not even your own father. because myungho could treat you right, couldn't he?

PAIRING ji myungho x fem!reader WC 1.7k TAGS angst. suggestive themes. toxic college professor myungho. slight manipulation. reader has daddy issues. OMI NOTE this is.. extremely different from anything i've written but i saw an edit of myungho to 'someone older' by isabel larosa and it genuinely changed my life. idk how im gonna get away with this but i do not get paid to gaf END OF STORY!

father never taught you to stray away from boys that wouldn't treat you right, and nobody ever taught boys to hold a heart with care; instead breaking it recklessly. the constant rotation between showing love and begging for forgiveness stripped energy from your body like a piece of clothing. it might as well have been, because that would be easier, right?

maybe it was the way you looked. it was only your left shoulder on full display, as your slightly large tee - shirt clinged onto you. you had only assumed the boy was being nice by placing a calloused hand on your soft skin, pulling up the material slightly before smiling at you. the pull of his lips were sweet, masking something sinister underneath. such a small gesture made you so naive, it was your own fault getting involved with him. those memories became a puddle of mush, left in the past.

but it wasn’t just boys of his stature, it was boys in general. ill thoughts swarmed your head rapidly. a sense of self doubt, regret, vengeance. it left you in a forever state of numbness, zoning out into a false reality you wish you could call your own. a reality with a man that would treat you right.

the sound of gears turning in the clock on the wall was where your focus lay, emerging yourself in the tick tock, tick tock. each of your senses slowly depleted from your body, leaving you with the round device against the off - white wall. 

a hand slightly slamming against the desk in front of you cut into your mind like a knife.

“zoning out again, aren’t we, miss y/n?” professor ji spoke out, eyes like daggers, “see me after class.”

you nodded sheepishly, feeling the weight of the moment escape from your mouth in a breathy exhale as he went back to instruct the class. 

in an attempt to ignore the stares of your peers burning into your skull, you slid down in your seat. maybe they were looks of pity, or quite possibly hints of jealousy. yet time couldn’t pass any quicker, as you returned to the never - ending tick of the clock.

meeting a teacher after the bell rang was never on your roster, let alone with your stupidly attractive english professor. it wasn’t a secret how desirable he was. you could only hear seductive comments made about the way he left his shirt slightly unbuttoned, leather jacket draped around the back of his chair and not his shoulders.

students filed out in a fast - paced manner, painting the room to seem much bigger without as many people crowding the seats. your professor followed quietly behind the crowd, closing the door as soon as everyone had been gone. this left the two of you alone, as well as the familiar clock ticking in the background.

your heart became heavy in your chest, watching his tall figure approach you like a predator stalking it’s prey.

“y/n.” professor ji says your name sternly, “care to tell me how boring my lessons are that you haven’t been paying attention?” 

“professor– it’s not like that, i promise.” you stuttered out in an attempt to defend yourself, “i’ve had a lot on my mind recently and it’s getting the better of me.”

“why don’t you contact the campus counselor? i’m sure mr. yoonsung would love to assist you in whatever problem you have in that head of yours.” he suggests.

“i don’t think i can do that sir. things are a lot more complicated than they might seem. but i swear, i’ll try to keep myself in check.”

“you don’t think you can do that?” he laughs almost mockingly, picking up a pencil on your desk to spin between his bony fingers, “i might need a better reason than that.”

“this is so embarrassing..” you sigh in defeat, “it’s about my love life, professor ji. i don’t mean to be rude, but none of that is quite relevant to you, let alone any teacher on campus. so while i respect your request for me to seek outside advice, that won’t be happening.”

“so i’m just any teacher to you? miss y/n, i’m unsure that you understand who i am to you.”

“what is that supposed to mean?”

“you chose to major in english when you enrolled here. so i’d assume you would put effort not only into this class, but the person teaching it to you.” he states with an almost threatening tone, making your stomach queasy. 

a cat had gotten your tongue, leaving you with nothing to say in a situation where you felt you had to defend yourself. this made his lips perk up into a smile, taking the pencil he was holding to tilt your chin up slightly by the eraser end.

“i’ve only ever wanted to help you, y/n. almost like it’s my job.” he tells you, “you excel in every single assignment i give you, up until recently. dont let a beautiful mind like yours be so easily manipulated by a college frat boy.”

“this isn’t my fault, you make it seem much easier than it sounds.” your bottom lip quivers slightly at the position he has you in, yet also because he’s correct in his assumption.

“when you get an idea in your head, you find it in everything. do you remember who said that quote?”

“victor hugo. we’re learning about works in other languages to broaden our knowledge, so of course i remember.”

“your idea of love is tainted, hence why you let yourself get hurt. am i wrong?” he reads you like a book.

you nod at him, feeling your throat become dry. each of your senses were heightened, the cold rubber eraser under your chin being replaced by the tip of his finger. the state of your mind was vulnerable, crowded only by the idea of him and his frigid gaze.

a shiver ran down your spine as if it was being chased, his face creeping closer to yours until it was inches apart. 

“do you know what you want in a relationship?” he spoke, breath barely grazing against your lips because of the remaining distance. when you didn’t speak, his face contorted into an expression just a little bit colder, “you respond to authority when spoken to. don’t jeopardize your status in my class because you can’t answer a simple question. remember that i just want to help you.”

“i want someone to care for me as much as i care for them.” you finally let out with a sob, guilt washing over you for not giving a clearer response. 

“that was easy, wasn’t it? my poor y/n, not being treated properly because nobody quite knows how to.” he chuckles lowly, wiping a singular tear that rolled down your cheeks, “now that you know what you want, what do you need?”

“i– i don’t know, professor ji.” you pout.

“you already said it out loud. use your words to tell me.” his hand traveled around to the back of your head, gripping at your hair to move your head more upwards.

“i think i need someone older.” your words sounded distressed, yet they were all he needed to hear. 

“there you go.” he lets go of your hair, a switch in demeanor as he smiles at you, “come here.”

walking back to his desk, he leaves you in a pile of muck and confusion at your own. for someone you can hardly read, something about him makes you want to learn. 

you scoot your chair back, the sound of it scraping against the hard floors making you wince slightly. with each step approaching him, your heartbeat quickened. professor ji had always been an enigmatic figure on campus. young, passionate in his interests, and everything you were starting to think you needed in someone. 

maybe you wanted him to be passionate in you. 

“is this wrong?” you ask quietly, now face to face with him.

“there’s a flaw in your question, especially since you already know the answer, miss y/n.” he coos, reaching to move a loose strand of hair away from your face, “father wouldn’t tell you right from wrong. such a terrible man, isn’t he? so let me tell you what you deserve to hear.” 

“he’s not terrible, he just loves me differently.” you weren’t sure why you felt the need to defend your dad, but words came out before you could think.

“don’t get it twisted; those who love you warn you about the consequences others actions could have on a person. trust that i could protect you more than any man could.” he said with envy underlying his tone.

“yes, sir.” you shake your head yes, tears starting to burn your eyes with what you couldn’t determine if it was happiness or culpability.

“call me myungho.” he cupped your cheeks with his calloused hands, rough against your soft skin, “now let me take care of you, then you could take the weight off my shoulders.”

myungho brought your face closer to his, almost immediately closing the gap that separated the boundaries between professor and student. this barrier was destroyed in the span of seconds, his lips locking perfectly with yours. they were soft, barely chapped, and meant for you.

it was a rhythmic harmony that flowed perfectly like words on a page, pulling you deeper and deeper until you couldn’t pull away; too infatuated to stop and so unaware you couldn’t bother to give a shit at the thought of someone walking in.

he had you right where he wanted you, the objective that nobody other than him could hold your heart careful enough not to split it in half. 

the kiss escalated, making your lips puffy and red as they were attacked by his. one of myungho’s hands wrapped around your waist to pull you close. your arms were tucked into your chest, unsure where to put them.

once he finally pulled away from you, a string of saliva kept both of you attached, breaking away quickly. his eyes were dark, yet not in a way that would seem intimidating. a look you’ve never seen before.

you were ready to find out.

© 2023 minkkumaz, all rights reserved support your writers by reblogging + giving feedback! it is greatly encouraged and appreciated. thank you! → why feedback + reblogging is so important. ~ (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡ if you'd like, donate to minkkumaz !

[rainforest-daisies]

The diary

Character: James potter x gn!Reader

Synopsis: James and Sirius steal your diary, which has pages talking about your crush on prongs.

TW: angst, talk of bullying

Word count: 750

A/n: this took me centuries to write omfg-

Pt. 2

Your diary was the only place you could confidently write your feelings without feeling judged. The countless pages you’ve written in about your 3 year long crush- they’re going to be read.

“No! I wanna see what you write about!” Sirius was laughing his ass off in the corner of your dorm room as james tried to open the book without dropping it, yourself right behind him trying to take it back. You had caught up with him, and wrapped your arms around his jacket-clad torso.

You grabbed ahold of the book clasp, and yanked it towards yourself, prompting it to break off. It was a cheap $5 journal, what did you expect it to do?

As James lifted his arm above you, he began reading the messy, rushed handwriting aloud.

“‘Just this morning he gave me an early birthday gift, it had the most adorable bow!’ Hear that padfoot? A bow!” He giggled loud, “‘I wish I could stare into his eyes forever without the guilt of betraying my best friend.’” His face slowly dropped, and Sirius walked behind him to read the next paragraphs.

“James..i can explain-” he passed the book back to you, letting out a quiet “sorry”, before walking past you, bumping into your shoulder on accident. The air felt thick, like you couldn’t speak a word. “why didn’t you tell me?” Sirius took a step forward, catching your attention.

“Because you would have told him. You did that to Amos when i told you about him-” you defended yourself for the second time over a crush. He had informed amos diggory of your small crush, which some girls caught wind of, and didn’t let you live it down. He was the cause of months of bullying, and you wouldn’t let that happen again.

He didn’t blame you. He felt shame for putting you through that, he wouldn’t forgive himself. But he thought you had.

”ill go talk to James.” You began walking out the door, but you turned your head to look at Sirius, “please return that book to wherever it was. I dont even know how you found it…” you finished the last part while walking the rest of the way out.

You scrambled through hallways, looking in any possible place for prongs. You checked the quidditch pitch, no luck. You tried the kitchens (which got you a scolding from one of the older elves), and again, nothing. You finally made your rounds to the library, and to your luck. You saw him.

With the diary.

He was sat in one of the study table chairs, his glasses slid down his nose, and the book in his calloused hands. You quickly walked up to him, but his eyes never left the words written.

It seemed as if he was reading one sentence over and over, ‘he’s simply a daydream, an angel disguised in human form.’

“I didn’t know you felt this way about me.” He finally spoke, his voice slightly muffled by his hand, as he was resting against it. “Of course. And i never meant for you to.” It didn’t help your case, but you didn’t try to make any excuses. You were in this for good.

He looked up to you, staring into your eyes. “Im with lily. You know that.” He snapped the book back together, making a louder than expected noise. You flinched at the sound that bounced against the walls of empty and full shelves, regretting the situation you had brought yourself into.

He passed you the book with nothing more but a small nod, and grabbed his satchel full of school notes and small nicknacks from his partner. He made sure not to bump into you again, as he walked around you and out the door.

You stuffed the book in between your arms, and slowly walked out as well. Your shoes clicked against the hard floor of the library, and you glanced out of the doors window, only to see the last person you wanted to.

Lily evans.

She gives you a loud glare, she obviously knew. you look behind her, James. Your eyes linger on him for a bit too long, the sight of someone walking past you to leave the library made you look away.

[kurokmask]

now that we are on Link topic. do you have any other hcs that you've not included in the fanfic? like extra info and stuff?

sorry for the late answer, college blah blah blah

there's lots that haven't made it in explicitly, but they're all still swimming in my head when im writing him. this is gonna be disorganized, sorry!

Link likes being told what to do. secretly he likes having other ppl’s expectations on him bc it gives him security, so he doesn't have to think about who he is

not Link, but every version of OoT Zelda I write is transmasc, whether thats something Zelda is truly aware of or not.

again not Link but Cremia was supposed to have a hot Gerudo pirate gf 💔 sorry girl

I kind of regret not doing more with the Ocarina of Time, and time travel in general. Like, towards the end, Link would definitely try to use it, right? I think I'm going to do a major overhaul of the Termina arc soon.

Link can cannot write more than his name.

Link was originally going to be very open about his past adventures. But i decided bottling everything up and feeling ashamed about it and letting it fester like a rotting wound would be sadder :)

sexuality was going to be a concept i explored in the fic. ultimately i wanted to keep it a T rating so i didn't do this, but. it was definitely a thing! cut things include lotsssss of Sheik baggage, boyish feelings about Kafei, weird fierce deity sex dreams and um. remember Javert?

Javert and Link wereeee... supposed to fuck! I even wrote a before and after scene LOLLL. Javert was going to play a more important role in general, being a semi-reoccurring character. He was planned to be Link's kind of """only friend""" in Castletown. Link was drawn to him because of how much older and experienced he was, and Javert took pity on Link, both in a sort of genuine but also kind of overbearing way. ultimately Link got annoyed by him pretty quickly and once he started to get to know Malon he basically ghosted him. another example of how Link struggles to balance relationships, especially those who really care for him. obviously i. didn't go further with this. but it was planned for about a year before I scrapped it. But i hope you reread their scene together to pick up on some vibes.....

since im already being disgusting um. bottom. praise kink. but he never really finds this out. how sad.

when i was first conceptualizing his character, i was actually going to write link as bipolar. I ended up writing him more adhd/autism as thats closer to my own personal experience. but its still in the back of my mind, and it definitely manifests more as he gets older. but this man has so much going on please project anything you want on him and its real he has it

OoT Link is the only Link i hc as cis bc only a cis man would fumble the bag THIS bad. put those tights on boy

i have a weird hyper-specific modern au where he's living in 1998 germany with his little brother (whos just young link). they play ddr together, he goes to acid techno raves, and dresses like this

again, in a modern au, Link would be a total audiophile. his favorite musicians would be Kate Bush, Fiona Apple, Talking Heads, the Prodigy, Devo, the Mountain Goats, Modest Mouse, Nirvana, Radiohead, Nine Inch Nails, Bjork, the Magnetic Fields-- ok ill stop

if he was an Animal Crossing villager he'd be a gold wolf with the Jock personality

that's all i can think of right now, I'm sure more will come to me and I'll write them here. thanks for the ask, thanks so much for the interest!!!!!

[izchone]

enhypen as beatopia songs!

info: saw this trending on tiktok kind of and i wanted to do it for enha bc beabadobee + enha is like wow. world #exploded!! and i kind of made each one angst my bad😇😇 tws// just plain ol heartbreak😪😪

genre: angst (mostly!)

★♪ lee heeseung.

　now playing: see you soon

this song is undoubtedly hee. the trinket-like samples resemble his unorganized mind that was impossible to unravel. he wanted the best and only the best for his lover. his longing to make everything perfect for you turned into him knit-picking every single movement of yours. it seemed like he was judging you, and so you left with no warning, because that’s what he wanted, right?

‘it’s a walk in the park, you said it’s not that hard, im feeling kind of dizzy, i don’t want this to leave me, and i told you ill see you soon.’

★♪ park jeongseong.

　now playing: fairy song

him and this song are like a harmony. it’s like youre looking at him in a mirror or reading him like a book. an explanation of him to be exact. this was his life story, starting from when he met you.

‘guess when im older, ill be able to see, that when it gets colder, i care less about me.’

★♪ sim jaeyun.

　now playing: lovesong

what a lover boy. this song resonates with him as it depicts how he loves. the slow tempo represents the time he takes to really soak in ones love and reciprocate it, even if he knows the love won’t last.

‘i swear your in my head throughout the day, i can say that for a fact, know we had better days, but to keep me sane, i guess that this is just, another love song, about you.’

★♪ park sunghoon.

　now playing: ripples

sunghoon is such a melancholy being. the violins represent his yearning for you, but puppet strings pull him back from falling too hard. he grieves his state of being, not knowing which way to go. in reality, he just wants you.

‘ive been holdin back cuz im afraid that im too loud, six feet underground, i feel alone, again.’

★♪ kim sunoo.

　now playing: you’re here thats the thing

sunoo tried everything without regrets. he was always happy go lucky, and so you never knew how he actually felt. but you dealt with it and he dealt with you, and that was all.

‘you just won’t admit it that you’re smitten, hold on a minute please won’t you listen, cuz im not sure if you’re into me like im into you’

★♪ yang jungwon.

　now playing: the perfect pair

jungwon truly stayed the same. as well as your relationship. it never really grew. it had been the same old same old, exchange some hellos and then go back to your daily lives. and no one did anything about it.

‘you know me, better show me that you could say it to my face, cuz you know we’re the same, there’s worse things i can take’

★♪ nishimura riki.

　now playing: talk

the stereotypical teenage romance. he was your first love and your first heartbreak. he was on the hunt for perfection, and he treated you like a lab-rat. he ran out the house that day with no trace of him at all. his heart was spotless of you. you on the other hand.. not so much.

‘am i lost, why can’t i find you, a silhouette that’s in my head, you don’t exist you’re my imagination, you don’t exist you’re just a bad decision.’

a/n: first writing back!! im trying to make everything look aesthetic but im so lazy to keep my writing format the same im sorry😕😕

[09lover]

I think I already sent yours?? But hey! Better safe than sorry! Even more when it's someone I appreciate as much as you!!!

Thank you so much for everything. You've been so lovely and nice, I remember seeing you when you made the Christmas tree, I still saw you as some random entity on the internet, but followed because of the tree hehe... But then you followed back, and then you sent the first ask, and then I started to send back and... Idk, it's one of those times where I don't expect that I'll get along with someone that easily, it was nice

And then your lovely message on my tree, and you reverse adopting me and you just made my older sister brain go brrr and I became a bigger menace to you!!!

This past few days I've been all over the place and sometimes I fear I bother you too much.... If I ever do, let me know. But... Really, thank you for everything. I'm glad I got to meet you... Thank you for enabling me and letting me infodump jsjsjsj and thank you for just being a nice person

Happy new year! And I'll keep messing with you on this new one!

quite fortunately for you to recheck cause i actually didnt receive it yet.. surprise..? BUT AUAUDHHEHDJSE I ALMOST CRIED AFYER READING THIS STOP!!!!/aff

ill be so for real… i forgot what was the first ask i sent you.. but i can tell it was probablt very awkward because it was probablt and impulse decision since whenever i send asks its my interests overpowering the mental blockage and anxiety WHDJSJD BUT HEY REMIND ME WHAT IT WAS!! I NEEDNTO SEE IT… was it like the hi new moot ask??

i literallt just. pulls out gun and points it at you. you are now my older sister no choice :D/j SJDJSJDJSJ honestly no regrets sending that message.. PLEASE KEEP BOTHERING ME !! whether about specifically something or nothing, just do it… ill always look forward to your asks <333 I genuinely enjoy talking to you even if i may not sound like it. youve just slowly became an actual older sister figure for me…

thank you for findinf the christmas tree… so thay we had a chance to end up like this.. im always here whwnever you need me whether to vent or to talk or info dump… im always one message away!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU TOO!!! ill make sure to annoy you back at some point… rubs hands evilly

[voyage34]

*guy whos really normal about kodya voice* do you think youll have regrets? huh? sorry i guess i drifted off. will i regret what? i was asking now that. were together... will you regret it when we have to leave? and WHO says were together? since you asked me to move into your room? everyone. but! thats only so we can sleep together! pft!! whats so funny?! your powers are the only thing that help me sleep! and your room was too small for two people! besides, im your mentor. it wouldnt be right... what do i have to do? wait until graduation? do you know ill be 26 next week? im a lot older than you... so? im a lot taller than you. wha- hey! and i love you. KID! im starting to think you call me kid so you can ignore that ive grown up. i was only seventeen when we met, sure, but that was over two years ago. ive been by your side this whole time, i know how i feel. do you? i feel afraid. when im with you, i dont fear the dark voices like i used to... but i feel like ive been at war with a new voice. a selfish voice that always wants more from you. and im losing. is that such a bad thing? its not like im going to say no! i might not be able to protect you. i dont love you because its safe. theres no strategy with feelings. the only choice we have is to live with them authentically or to bottle them up until they explode. im not saying you have to- i already regret not doing that sooner. its ok, we still have a lot of time left.

[g0ttal0ve101]

🎶💯💤🎄😖🎮 for any of ur little shits :3

they are little shits………my little shits 🫶

TW: obsessive behavior, a lil suggestive, and implications of trauma.

🎶 - what type of music does your oc like? do they listen to music very often?

Sam: weezer/the front bottoms….like. mentally ill homosexuality shit. yes he listens to this shit 24/7….(he j like me fr.)

Evelyn: Beethoven? i mean what else do British people listen to? IM PLAYING-uhh probably shit like the cardigans/cults. and yes, she listens to music when cleaning :)

Thomas: Nirvana/Radiohead. yeah. it’s sickening. no, he doesn’t listen to music often unless it’s on in a party……

Lucian: he listens to literally anything. he doesn’t care. i mean like he doesnt really wanna listen to WAP or something but-yeah no he listens to whatever’s on the radio (he’s fucking weird.) and he doesn’t go out of his way to listen to music.

💯 - share three random facts about your oc that others may not know.

Sam:

1. ALWAYS wants to be riley’s type. so whenever she was dating jordan, HE WOULD DRESS LIKE JORDAN. if he saw riley spare a glance over at some girl, HE WOULD DRESS LIKE THAT GIRL THE VERY NEXT DAY. in other words he has no sense of style himself.

2. he didn’t ALWAYS have his stutter. it developed by the time he was six. also it’s genetic, not any sort of brain trauma or anything - his dad had a stutter when he was young too, but went to speech therapy and eventually fixed it.

3. speaking of which HE DOES HAVE A DAD YALL!!! HE’S ALWAYS OVERSEAS FOR WORK!! VEGA DADDY FOR THE WIN!! and no he’s not abusive or anything either lmao he’s just a busy man.

Evelyn:

1. yes she lived in the UK up until she was fourteen. she’s sixteen now. so she’s only been in the USA for about two years and she regrets coming.

2. she lives with her uncle alfie after the passing of her parents. he’s very distant and barely associates himself with her, but makes sure she’s well taken care of before she turns eighteen and gains all the money her parents left behind. so yeah he’s aight ig

3. she’s very good at horseback riding. (she took lessons from the time she was a kid.) however, she never puts any of that talent to use considering she HATES TOUCHING ANIMALS so yeah that ended quick.

Thomas:

1. had a prosthetic arm (left side) since the time he was nine. how did he lose the first arm? that’s a good question you should ask him!! sometimes it’s because of self harm and losing all circulation after trying to commit, other times it’s because he was kidnapped and the joker himself sawed it off. (he will never tell anyone)

2. he has his own band and plays at parties sometimes. the cooler thing is that david nixon is the drum player even though he despises thomas <3 but a deal’s a deal right? also it works out in the end for both of them bc thomas gets all the chics after singing and david gets all the dudes after playing.

3. a bit of common knowledge but - he has three siblings. an older brother, a younger sister, and a little brother. he hates them all equally. however, they aren’t actually full siblings. they’re all half. Adrian (their father) had babies with FOUR DIFFERENT WOMEN!! role model, am i right? also thomas hates every member of his family lmao.

Lucian:

1. LUCIAN WILLIAMS HAS A TYPE!!! fluffy hair, freckles, a grunge/gothic style, and FUCKED UP TEETH!!!!! GAAAAH!!! both his exes had fucked up teeth (aka sophia had braces and david was missing a lot of his), and now his current boyfriend does. (bitch is a shark.) like shit. he loves those fucked up teeth. <3

2. he has tons of scars. like. tons. and you might be thinking TRAUMA!!!!! bc yes. trauma. however, a lot of them are from him being a dumbass as a kid. he would climb the top of a tree and fall off it. he would swing on his neighbor’s tire swing and fall into a pile of hoarded trash with glass in it. he would try to pull a root out of the concrete stairs and slice his shins after he fell. he is clumsy.

3. it’s time fess up….he’s not a total skinny legend no mo. he works out and is actually PRETTY BUILT. he ain’t got no six pack or nothing but he has nice ass triceps tbh……..and that’s on having an axe as a go-to weapon <3

💤 - is your oc a light sleeper or a heavy sleeper? how are their sleeping habits?

Sam: pretty light sleeper. he’ll wake up whenever he hears footsteps, or when his curtains blow in the wind, or when the fridge turns on. he usually peeks under his eyelashes and then just goes back to sleep.

Evelyn: light sleeper. any little noise makes her sit up and check her surroundings, even if it’s just her furnace turning on. she’s still half asleep when this happens though, so she goes back to sleep pretty easily too.

Thomas: DEEP FUCKING SLEEPER LMAO. you think he cares if there’s a nuclear war outside his window? bro as long as it don’t make one side of his pillow hot…

Lucian: deep sleeper when it comes to noise, light sleeper when it comes to any movement in the room. if anyone touches him, he’s up. if anyone applies pressure to the mattress, he’s up. if any footsteps are in the room, he’s up. you get the point. he will jerk awake if he feels someone else is there with him. (trauma) it’s not so easy for him to lay back down either. depending on what happened, he usually stays up for the rest of night. (this improves if kai’s sleeping with him bc he feels safe.)

🎄 - what’s your oc’s favorite holiday?

Sam: HALLOWEEN! 🎃

Evelyn: EASTER! 🐣

Thomas: HALLOWEEN! 👻

Lucian: CHRISTMAS! 🎄

😖 - is your oc an introvert, an extrovert, or an ambivert? do they let people in easily, or are they more reserved?

Sam: not even a question lmao. INTROVERT. and he does NOT let people in easily. only if it’s a pretty young woman named riley morg-

Evelyn: honestly i’d say she’s an ambivert solely because she doesn’t care about being out in public. (she cares about the GERMS.) she doesn’t avoid talking to anyone but she doesn’t go out of her WAY to do it either.

Thomas: EXTROVERT? HELLO? HE’S THE LIFE OF THE PARTY. Thomas knows everyone and their mamas atp. he’s so extroverted that he would commit a crime in the middle of the street and no one would give a fuck because he’s Thomas Hall. and if someone has a problem with him, they’ll just be gone in like 2.0 seconds lmao.

Lucian: this might be a shocker but…introvert. yes lucian is definitely an introvert. he avoids crowds, he doesn’t like talking in front of people, and he definitely doesn’t like people acknowledging him. when he doesn’t know someone, he’s not all bubbles and flowers like he is usually - he’s on high alert. Lucian only shows his true colors around his friends!!

🎮 - what are your oc’s favorite hobbies?

Sam: Reading, mostly. His favorite genre is romance and horror so he can take notes lmao……….

Evelyn: idk what British people do to pass the time…..JK!!! Evelyn loves crocheting and sewing, and designs clothes for her gf a lot <3

Thomas: this man is so talented and yet his favorite hobby is having sex 💀-no but seriously. he can play piano, guitar, and drums. he can sing. he can draw photo realism. he can skateboard. etc. etc. etc. and yet he spends all his free time partying………

Lucian: everyone knows he loves gardening, but he also likes skating and coloring too. :33

[approximateknowledge]

you know what's fun?

reading sequels of something you haven't read the start of

sure things are "harder to follow", but on the flip side the world will almost always feel distinctly more rich because there was already stuff that happened here before. it makes a world *bigger* in a way because the older stuff set in it becomes *history*. to reconstruct and derive from context. feels more *real* almost

i sometimes do it on purpose, sometimes by accident, and ive never regretted it

examples:

-im reading discworld in no discernible order, but the very first one i read was thud! of all thing= near the end of the guard series. and it's *good* on its own. it felt so alive and complicated

-fuckign UQ holder; this manga has no right being good but it is; and it's the gog-damn *negima* sequel, which i didn't even know when i started reading it! ill never read negima it seems very uninteresting and horny in a way that doesn't appeal to me at all. but UQ is genuinely good (<reason i made the post, how is this thing good?!)

[foileadeux]

Hope you okay with more questions. What are your thoughts on how Hollow knight feels about their family members? Like Little Ghost or Hornet or Pale King or White Lady or the rest of the vessels (who are ded)

yep yep all good! ill admit the questions have been a little overwhelming because ive just never really done this before, but its super fun having a dialogue with you guys!! and its just nice to ramble about hk haha

MAN hollow has a lotta feelings about their family... ive always really liked the idea of little hornet and hollow forming a bond together at her time at the white palace. she'd play games and hide under their cloak, hollow would act disinterested once the retainers passed by but absolutely play along with her when alone. theyre friends! but pk would most likely separate them most of the time as to not distract them from their Pure Vessel Duties, which would upset little hornet and pk would have to deal with her punching her little fists on his leg hollow's thoughts on little ghost hmm.... im sure theres a LOT of regret there for leaving their sibling on that ledge, that regret extending to the rest of the fallen vessels- maybe a sort of survivor's guilt? i wish we'd known as to what exactly made pk choose hollow over their siblings, but im sure the titles placed upon them weigh heavy and feel misplaced considering they do, in fact, have thoughts and feelings LMAO. but other than their shared pain i think they'd be besties, even though they're likely born from the same clutch they definitely have a younger-older sibling dynamic. hollow showing up in ghosts vicinity to just stand there menacingly and then walk away without a word. Typical big sibling behaviour hollow's thoughts on pale king.... ough. im sure theres a lotta conflicting feelings, they definitely loved, idolised and respected him, but there's also the amount of control that pk had exerted over their life that made them feel very distant and isolated, i think this would bring maybe a tinge of resentment towards him, but mostly towards themself for failing their duties. lots and lots of yearning for pk to care for them as their father (coughs at the "please make me your son" in toba the tura). pain.....pain!!! and so, so much repression

[six40seven]

September 16-18th

I didnt go to school. I told Niki i was feeling too sick to and she just nodded and said it was fine. Just by her body language i could tell she was distracted by something else and i didnt want to bother her more then necessary. I wanted to say thanks to all the people on here sending kind messages and concerned asks. I am okay. I was just a little rattled these last few days and well, of course today. I havent slept in almost 32 hours. There is no way in hell im closing my eyes and waking up somewhere strange again with no recollection of how i got there.

This doesnt make sense, and i can tell youre telling me in your head “Ran you need to sleep.” And i know you’re right but it was just horrifying. I have a hard enough time remembering what i do when im awake. Why would this suddenly start happening to me. Its unfair. I was doing fine. Now im not, and i dread falling asleep again. Im too afriad to ask Niki to instal a lock of sorts so last night and the night before and really any time I’ve been feeling the urge to sleep.. well I’ve began to tie my foot to my post. ITS NOT TIGHT. I just dont want to wander off again.

Fall break is soon. I mean sorta. I attempted to attend school online the second day home after the ordeal but my connection was too shit. I guess its the trees blocking the signal. Or maybe the mountains. Speaking of trees, i havent left my house since that day. I dont want to risk whatever happened happening again, worse while im awak. Not that i think it will but the way the trees just… tempt me sometimes. I cant risk walking to the bus or walking even out of my house. WHEERE i use to consider it a blessing to not live in the town houses, i now regret never moving closer. Fuck. Its been so long since I’ve been outside im worried my skin will fall off my body and ill die if i spend one more day barred in my room.

Its okay, for the most part. besides the natural (?) urge i have to be outside all the time. Ive sort of forgotten to document much these o past few days. But i dont think anything else significant happened. As far as related to me. Niki didnt come back the first night and i spent all that time in ym room with the blind drawn and the lights on. I was afriad if i turned the lights off i would nod off. I ended up watching YouTube and Netflix on my laptop as well as cleaning my entire room.

Usually my room is a trash heap, i like it that way, its like having my own nest. But that first night. I couldn’t stand all the things and i pretty much Ed cleaned everything top to bottom in less then 3 hours. I found a few interested things while i was doing that, including but not limited to: a box full of my old Polaroids and camera, a stuffed animal i thought i had lost which went back onto my bed, and a total of 20 spare dollars made mostly out of 1 Dollar bills and quarters.

The only thing of real interest was the Polaroid camera. I thought i lost that thing years and years ago. I only know i had one at all because i have some older pictures pinned places and tucked into my phone case. Theyre all of people i dont really know but i like to think i do so i can carry some part of them with me. They must have been important to me at some point yk. So i decided to look through and sort out any of the Polaroids i remeber or anything like that. These are my findings. I’ll explain them after i show them to you.

starting at the left top and going left to right. It reads Nov 1st 20##. all of these are from when i was a kid. maybe when i was in 4th or 5th grade? Im not entirely sure the exact age i was. The photo shown is a picture i must have taken of some sort of important journal entry, i cant really read it but at least if i ever needed to remeber taking a picture.. I remember, thanks past me.

The next one, in order, is a picture of two shadows. Maybe three. Probably me. Maybe Niki… or Eryn. we were close when we were kids and hes in two of these already. So ill just mention him. idk if he will be okay with me talking about him on here. I dont think he knows i have this account. hopefully he doesnt find it. Not that i would care very much. He just doesnt like me. The caption is just a date. oct 3rd. no year. I wonder when it happened? sometime in my childhood probably. I havent used this camera in years and years. I lost it so long ago.

The third is a weirdly saturated picture of a park in my town. The bigger town. Its just weird. And the caption says… evacuating or something. Its sorta weird. also Niki might have taken this picture because her name is on it too. Seems like her type of thing. from what i remeber as a kid, when we still lived in the big town, she was into weird saturated pictures. Something about scene. I dont know really.

The fourth is on the second line of pictures i found in the Box. On the bottom left. It says July 20## again sometime in my childhood. It shows aforementioned Eryn crouching ont he ground showing something to everyone. Or the viewer. I can see myself, or younger me. Younger me off to the side. Someone else took this picture. I dont remeber this happening. But it was important enough to keep so there it is. Thats pretty much it.

The fifth, wow thats a lot of numbers. Its got a smiley face :) on it. and its a picture of the lake. Yk the one bordering the left side of the bigger town. Its one of the smaller more muddy parts so its all gross. Probably from a hike that i wanted to remeber with Niki or something. I loved the lake when i was a kid. It was fun to swim in but after… after awhile i stopped going and then it closed because of something weird and now you can only go hiking near and around it.

The sixth. A picture of me and ****** hugging. Eryn in the background. It reads Eryn & ##### July. Its a cute picture. I dont know… who ****** is? Yeah i dont know. but i must have known them at one point because thats them. Yeah. They look familiar in the worse way and i pretty much threw that one back in the box as soon as I could. I dont like lookign at it. My stomach hurts when i do.

The seventh. And last a picture of a cat. Even when i was a kid i also apparently liked cats. It reads Spring 20##.

So yeah. I just wanted to say im glad i was able to find them and document them somewhere. I also thought while im explaing photos and stuff ill go into a little detail about what i discovered from that night. Posted on here.

The first piece is clearly a path somewhere in the forest. If i were to say, somewhere further in the mountains, near where the older remains of mines are. The only thing wrong about this piece is that…. When i posted it, theres no wya for there to have been snow. So either the photo is altered in some way, which is unlikely, because from what i can tell it was posted in the middle of the night. Or it was actually snowing wherever i was. even though all the previous days it had been raining.

The next picture looks like some sort of underground tunnel, lined with bricks and ending in step leading up to a barred and maybe locked? I dont know, barred iron gate. I have never seen that place before. Ive been in a lot of abandoned buildings that I’ve found near here but I’ve never seen something like this. The only explaination i can give for the location is possibly a sewer enterance somewhere in the basement of one of the older buildings, not from the big town but rather from the smaller town nearer to my house. Again, it looks like its snowing. Which makes no sense in any context, since it was snowing when i woke up (even though i said i thought it was) and because if this was underground where would snow be coming from? The title says… I heard you. Im here. I dont remeber this. Obviously. and i dont know who i would have.. heard? It doesnt make any sense.

The third picture… i dont have much to say. It looks dark. Maybe its related to the second picture, maybe its on the otherside of the gate. But I’ve never seen a place that dark before. Especially if it has walls. which I think it does. so it must be in a building somewhere out in the forest. Sorta supports my abandoned building theory. Or abandoned mine shaft? I have no idea. But the capture is clearly a long hallway. the caption says something is wrong. No duh. I am clearly self aware even if i dont remeber. I wonder if i act different..

Anyway, thats all for the last few days. I probably will end up attending school tomorrow. Niki isnt home yet, its near the end of the day so if she isnt home by now im assuming shes staying overnight at the office. wouldn’t be the first, wont be the last. I might get a snack before trying not to fall asleep a third night in a row. If anyone wants to chat with me, ill be open to the distractions.

[crowsncorvids]

*guy whos really normal about kodya voice* do you think youll have regrets? huh? sorry i guess i drifted off. will i regret what? i was asking now that. were together... will you regret it when we have to leave? and WHO says were together? since you asked me to move into your room? everyone. but! thats only so we can sleep together! pft!! whats so funny?! your powers are the only thing that help me sleep! and your room was too small for two people! besides, im your mentor. it wouldnt be right... what do i have to do? wait until graduation? do you know ill be 26 next week? im a lot older than you... so? im a lot taller than you. wha- hey! and i love you. KID! im starting to think you call me kid so you can ignore that ive grown up. i was only seventeen when we met, sure, but that was over two years ago. ive been by your side this whole time, i know how i feel. do you? i feel afraid. when im with you, i dont fear the dark voices like i used to... but i feel like ive been at war with a new voice. a selfish voice that always wants more from you. and im losing. is that such a bad thing? its not like im going to say no! i might not be able to protect you. i dont love you because its safe. theres no strategy with feelings. the only choice we have is to live with them authentically or to bottle them up until they explode. im not saying you have to- i already regret not doing that sooner. its ok, we still have a lot of time left.

[fraener]

7/23/24

july is coming rapidly to an end. i never got to see my apartment clean again which sort of breaks my heart but it's going to be ok. i got into the window show which ill get a bit of money for, lucky me. keys to the new place are ready for me to pick up any time. faire is all wrapped up. went to the city, texted ian back, watched company 1 1/2 times, called sam. argued with h a few times but all seems well again. its hard and too easy at the same time. i think ive figured out that id really like to let go of most of the things i own and i would feel so much less burdened but im also so apprehensive because im so afraid ill regret it and itll hurt me really bad after. its hard to be in therapy and not be sure which parts to listen to and which to just act without consideration for...or even to look in and find no particular part with this issue but a bunch of parts worried there might be that i just cant see. i know it feels good to change and let go. i also know it feels strange and unfamiliar to have the chapters of my life be so finite and short, and feel so distant from previous chapters, have those chapters be so insular and dissimilar. living here now is nothing like when i moved in. i bought the bottle of soap i started with at this place to finish it out with the same smell. living here is not the same because i have nearly twice as much stuff and half as much people in my life. living here is not the same because the oak outside has grown so large i cant see out the window anymore. it's different without eve, its different with h. i feel like i am becoming so much more aware of change as i get older. it feels like everything is new always and nothing ever stays the same, whereas when i was younger everything was always as it was and nothing was ever different. i have such a hard time leaving things and places and people and times behind. i always loved this place, there was always more i wanted to do with it. i always hated it too. but from this month i want to remember crying in the kitchen and eating raspberries and breathing in the smell of sage and flint and sea mist and eucalyptus and spinning dark thread and washing dark wool in the heat of bg's kitchen and feeling final and not-so-final. i wish i could remember how to believe in the ends of things.