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blissful-independence · 3 years

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Code Lyoko: REvision

I just finished binge watching Code Lyoko on Netflix recently to relive my childhood & forgot how cool of a show it was! While it is an awesome story, some things couldn't stop bugging me that didn't line up. So I revised in a short format the entire series in a way that follows a proper timeline plus what I would've added for the show. I hope y'all like it!

Word Count: 3.3k

Characters

Lyoko Warriors

Jeremie Belpois

Date of birth: 22 February

Age:

Season 1-2: 13-14

Season 3-4: 14-15

Height: 163 cm/ 5’4

Birthplace: Ville de Clichy, France

Family:

Daphne Belpois- Mom

Michel Belpois- Dad

School: Kadic Academy

Grade:

Season 1-2: 4th year (FR)/8th grade (US)/Year 9 (UK)

Season 3-4: 3rd year (FR)/9th grade (US)/Year 10 (UK)

Yumi Ishiyama

Date of birth: 27 October

Age:

Season 1-2: 14-15

Season 3-4: 15-16

Height: 165/ 5’5

Birthplace: Kyoto, Kansai, Japan

Family:

Hiroki Ishiyama-Brother

Akiko Ishiyama-Mother

Takeho Ishiyama-Father

School: Kadic Academy

Grade:

Season 1-2: 3rd year (FR)/9th grade (US)/Year 10 (UK)

Season 3-4: 2nd year (FR)/10th grade (US)/Year 11(UK)

Ulrich Stern

Date of birth: 13 January

Age:

Season 1-2: 13-14

Season 3-4: 14-15

Height: 173 cm/ 5’8

Birthplace: Berlin, Germany

Family

Christoph Stern- Estranged father

Emilia Stern-Estranged mother

School: Kadic Academy

Grade:

Season 1-2: 4th year (FR)/8th grade (US)/Year 9 (UK)

Season 3-4: 3rd year (FR)/9th grade (US)/Year 10 (UK)

Odd Della Robbia:

Date of birth: 1st April

Age:

Season 1-2: 13-14

Season 3-4: 14-15

Height: 160 cm/ 5’4

Birthplace: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Family:

Adele Della Robbia-1st oldest sister

Pauline Della Robbia-2nd oldest sister

Elizabeth Della Robbia-3rd oldest sister

Marie Della Robbia-4th oldest sister

Louise Della Robbia- 5th oldest sister

Mary Elizabeth Della Robbia- Mother

David Della Robbia- Father

School: Kadic Academy

Grade:

Season 1-2: 4th year (FR)/8th grade (US)/Year 9 (UK)

Season 3-4: 3rd year (FR)/9th grade (US)/Year 10 (UK)

Aelita Schaeffer/Hopper/Stones

Date of birth: 25 September

Age:

Season 1-2: 12-13

Season 3-4: 13-14

Height: 160 cm/ 5’2

Birthplace: Zurich, Switzerland

Family:

Franz Hopper-Father

Anthea Schaeffer-mother

School: Kadic Academy

Grade:

Season 2: 4th year (FR)/8th grade(US)/Year 9(UK)

Season 3-4: 3rd year (FR)/9th grade (US)/Year 10 (UK)

William Dunbar

Date of birth: 11 December

Age:

Season 2: 14-15

Season 3-4: 15-16

Height: 175 cm/5’9

Birthplace: Edinburgh, Scotland

Family:

Thomas Dunbar-Father

Fiona Dunbar-mother

School: Kadic Academy

Grade:

Season 2: 3rd year (FR)/9th grade(US)/Year 10(UK)

Season 3-4: 2nd year (FR)/10th grade (US)/Year 11(UK)

Kadic Academy Students

Elisabeth (Sissi) Delmas

Date of birth:17 May

Age:

Season 1-2: 13-14

Season 3-4: 14-15

Height: 163 cm/ 5’4

Birthplace: Paris, France

School: Kadic Academy

Grade:

Season 1-2: 4th year (FR)/8th grade (US)/Year 9 (UK)

Season 3-4: 3rd year (FR)/9th grade (US)/Year 10 (UK)

Patrick Belpois

Date of birth: 22 August

Age:

Season 4: 14-15

Height: 168 cm/ 5’6

Birthplace: Bordeaux, Nouvelle-Aquitaine, France

School: Kadic Academy

Grade:

Season 4: 3rd year (FR)/9th grade (US)/Year 10 (UK)

Viktoria Klein

Date of birth: 14 February

Age:

Season 1-2: 13-14

Height: 163 cm/ 5’4

Birthplace: Munich, Bavaria, Germany

School: Kadic Academy

Grade:

Season 1-2: 4th year (FR)/8th grade (US)/Year 9 (UK)

Nicholas Poliakoff

Date of birth: 8 July

Age:

Season 1-2: 13-14

Season 3-4: 14-15

Height: 173 cm/ 5’8

Birthplace: Saint Petersburg, Russia

Grade:

Season 1-2: 4th year (FR)/8th grade (US)/Year 9 (UK)

Season 3-4: 3rd year (FR)/9th grade (US)/Year 10 (UK)

Herb Pichon

Date of birth: 20 November

Age:

Season 1-2: 12-13

Season 3-4: 13-14

Height: 163 cm/ 5’4

Birthplace: Paris, France

Grade:

Season 1-2: 4th year (FR)/8th grade (US)/Year 9 (UK)

Season 3-4: 3rd year (FR)/9th grade (US)/Year 10 (UK)

Season 1

1x01: X.A.N.A Awakens Part 1 & 2

Similar to the original episode in the 3rd season

Jeremie meets Ulrich because of a biology project in Ms. Hertz’s class.

Odd gets introduced as the new overseas student by Jim.

Odd is partnered with Jeremie and Ulrich due to there already being an even number of students.

Yumi’s first year as a student at Kadic is explained when she meets Ulrich at the Pencak Silat class taught by Jim.

This is the explanation for why she doesn’t have friends & why people confuse her for Chinese.

Parallel to the episode, Ulrich and Odd discover the supercomputer and ‘Maya’ when helping Jeremie with his robots suddenly attacking him.

Odd eagerly volunteers to be virtualized first to Lyoko to meet ‘Maya’ following Ulrich when Odd is in trouble.

The boys agree to help ‘Maya’ and try to turn off the supercomputer the following day.

Odd notices Ulrich staring at Yumi while on campus, pushing him to talk to her even if he doesn’t know what happened in martial arts class.

Ulrich apologizes to Yumi for being standoff-ish & wants to continue practicing together.

Sissi gets jealous and follows them around, causing her to get caught in a XANA trap.

This is how she sees the supercomputer leading to the first return to the past.

The group promises to keep everything between them and help Aelita.

Keynotes for S1 storyline

The main goal is to bring back Aelita from Loyko.

Jeremie learns how Odd, Ulrich, and Yumi can feel phantom pains after being devirtualized on Lyoko.

Ulrich learns Yumi moved from Japan just the year prior.

Yumi introduces the boys to her parents and little brother since she has a good relationship with Mr. & Mrs. Ishiyama.

The boys learn how Hiroki is an intelligent kid while mischievous, something Odd takes note of when they hang out.

Due to both their somewhat poor communication skills, Ulrich and Yumi dance around the fact they both like each other.

Ulrich does end up having a girlfriend in S1, a blonde German girl named Viktoria.

Yumi represses her feeling once seeing Ulrich happy with someone.

Sissi and Yumi get into a fight when Sissi threatens Ulrich with exposing his journal to everyone.

A page having details of Ulrich’s feelings about both Viktoria and Yumi.

Jeremie struggles with the balance of Lyoko and the real world, forgetting about his parents to the point they drive to Kadic for a wellness check.

Odd develops a secret crush on Aelita as time gets closer to materializing her.

The warriors learn about Ulrich’s estranged relationship with his family when Kadic hosts a Family Day. Ulrich is the only one from the group to not have a family member visit.

Mr. & Mrs. Ishiyama has sympathy towards Ulrich and wants to know what goes on with him in his schooling like a parent, even advising on how to help his grades.

Two of Odd’s sisters, Adele and Pauline, come for Family Day.

Sissi doesn’t leave Ulrich alone until it makes Victoria dump Ulrich towards the end of the season.

Yumi is a shoulder for Ulrich to lean on.

When Aelita is finally materialized and done safely with her ability to attend school in S2, Yumi can see Odd’s crush but promises to keep it between them.

Season 2

2x01

On Aelita’s first day enrolled in Kadic Academy for the spring semester, she is linked to Ulrich’s cousin instead of Odd’s.

As everyone comes back from winter vacation, Ulrich notices a new student in Yumi’s class named William.

Hearing from Odd through the grapevine of William, Ulrich isn’t a fan right away especially seeing how close William appears when speaking to Yumi.

Ulrich tries to not be jealous but can’t help it as Yumi seems to be enjoying herself when speaking to William.

Viktoria talks to Ulrich again to catch up, making Yumi internally jump to conclusions.

While in class, Odd asks Aelita to join him to take Kiwi out during lunch.

This confuses Ulrich & (especially) Jeremie, but Aelita agrees to have a breath of fresh air.

During lunch, Yumi introduces William to Ulrich and Jeremie but asks where Odd and Aelita are.

William jokes about Odd and Aelita being a secret couple.

Jeremie doesn’t find this funny and storms to the library.

Ulrich takes this as William being a rude person, a green light to being vocal on his dislike towards him, then follows Jeremie to the library.

Yumi doesn’t appreciate Ulrich’s attitude, following William for lunch.

Aelita and Odd come across an abandoned house called “The Hermitage” and enter the forest.

Aelita feels intense deja vu, suddenly having unknown flashbacks in the building.

Odd finds the place creepy, especially when discovering what looks like a little girl’s room.

Xana. Return to the past. Yumi and Ulrich reunite on a bench during the lunch period.

Yumi tells Ulrich about Odd’s crush on Aelita

Ulrich is surprised but also should’ve seen it coming after thinking

She understands Ulrich’s coldness towards William after the comment.

Ulrich says he’ll be better at biting his tongue and won’t tell Jeremie about Odd’s crush.

Aelita is back in the forest alone, standing in front of The Hermitage.

Keynotes for S2 storyline

Aelita is determined to discover her connection to The Hermitage with or without Jeremie’s help.

Aelita has been rewarded a scholarship to attend Kadic Academy.

William’s backstory of hot-headed comes more to light, specifically with Ulrich in physical activities.

Ulrich tries his best to not let William get the best of him, knowing it will blow up in his face if he does.

Yumi struggles with feeling homesick & out of place from being far away from Japan.

Sissi tries to mess with Yumi’s head about Ulrich and Aelita’s about Jeremie.

Viktoria tries to be friends with Yumi but can’t due to Sissi’s words.

Odd learns to become more mature to better himself after events blow in his face with Aelita.

Aelita is trying her best to be oblivious to Odd’s feelings as she has never been in this situation.

Odd actually does give something to Aelita for Valentine’s Day

Ulrich gives Yumi a necklace

Yumi helps give Aelita as much advice as possible, knowing she is also in the same boat since William came to Kadic.

Ulrich gives Odd advice to back off Aelita because he knows how much Jeremie likes her.

Jeremie finds all of Aelita’s personal information on Franz Hopper’s CDs.

When Odd tries to move on from Aelita, he ends up making regressing back to immaturity with girls as a ‘casanova.’

Xana takes control of the ‘return to the past’ program, causing the gang not to use it in S2.

Jeremie teaches Ulrich how to use the supercomputer first in simple terms for basic things.

Ulrich’s father surprises Ulrich and meets his friends, showing a strong dislike for Yumi, which causes a stronger refit between the two.

Odd tells Jeremie his feelings for Aelita after her almost dying on Lyoko.

There is ambiguity on what Jeremie does with this information.

When it is the end of the year & time for everyone to go home, Aelita stays with Yumi for the over month-long summer break.

Viktoria tells Ulrich she isn’t coming back to Kadic after this year. She also tells Ulrich to go for it with Yumi.

Ulrich decides to spend most of the break with Jeremie in France instead of going back to Germany.

Season 3

3x01

The Warriors come back to Kadic from their summer break, where luckily, Xana hasn’t done anything to harm Earth. A note Aelita takes as Xana, knowing they were apart without a trace.

The Warrior’s all meet in the courtyard as they wait for their new class schedules.

During the break, Jeremie reprogrammed the Return To The Past and added new programs to the supercomputer.

A new additive is Odd, gaining unlimited laser arrows and flexibility similar to a cat.

Jeremie asks Odd if they could speak in private, going to a bench away from the others.

The two talk about their mutual crush on Aelita and promise to not let it get between them as friends.

Jeremie asks if Odd really likes Aelita and is surprised to hear an honest, genuine response from him for once.

While everyone is waiting under the arches, William comes up at Yumi, eager to catch up after the break.

Ulrich remains distant to William after the constant back and forth, which William has no problem with.

Yumi can see the discomfort from Ulrich and excuses the two of them to another part of the campus.

Sissi catches Ulrich & Yumi holding hands ‘demands’ an explanation but doesn’t actually get one.

After returning back from the core of Lyoko, the talk about adding a fifth member is first brought up.

Keynotes for S3 storyline

Outfit changes for everyone to start the new school year.

Yumi changes her from black all around to a pink skirt, black tights, and a thin long sleeve skull top.

Aelita’s outfit is an updated version of what she was wearing when virtualized on Lyoko. A purple heart baby T-shirt with black shorts and pink tights plus lace-up boots.

Odd is lowkey with his acts of kindness to Aelita.

Ulrich’s mother, Emilia, comes to visit, where she catches Ulrich and Yumi together under a tree. Emilia doesn’t like Yumi right away.

Emilia and Ulrich argue about their distance as if it was only Ulrich who caused it.

Ulrich states how he’s the kid and shouldn’t be reaching out all the time to his parents.

Jeremie and Aelita show Yumi and Odd how to use the supercomputer after a mission where Jeremie cannot use it.

William is initiated as a Lyoko Warrior in the middle of the season.

Yumi is highly vocal against it the whole time because she doesn’t trust him.

Odd and Ulrich help train William to be a better fighter but notice his cocky attitude never changing even after a few Lyoko trips.

Aelita gains the power of foreshadowing instead of Odd getting it back.

Yumi is honest about her feelings to Ulrich after he doesn’t return at all from a mission.

He gets frozen in Xana’s dome.

They finally get together.

Ulrich teaches Hiroki and Johnny how to approach girls respectfully.

Aelita and Jeremie have growing tension from Jeremie’s repetitive stubborn overprotectiveness.

Odd and Aelita grow closer as they expand their creative passion for music.

Jeremie becomes jealous of Odd and Aelita spending time together only to make it worse with Aelita.

William takes Yumi and Ulrich’s new relationship way too hard. He becomes irresponsible when on Lyoko resulting in him getting caught by the Scyphozoa.

Aelita blames herself for William as she hazily saw the mission leading in that direction.

Season 4

4x01

Following Lyoko getting destroyed by Xana, the warriors are on high alert of anything on Earth.

Aelita is the one to find what Franz Hopper sent to the supercomputer to help reprogram Lyoko.

Jeremie and Aelita set up Sector Five and the forest sector first before other parts of Lyoko.

Jeremie improves Yumi’s telepathic ability and gives everyone super sprint instead of only Ulrich. (Aelita with flying)

When on Lyoko to find William, they see he can mimic what Jeremie programmed, such as

His version of flying like Aelita

Getting an over bike like Ulrich

Throw his sword like Yumi’s fans

William devirtualizes all of the warriors

The Warriors think of a plan to handle William the next day.

Yumi and Hiroki get into an argument about Yumi’s diary getting lost.

Hiroki stole it to give gossip for Milly but had it fallen out of his backpack.

Ulrich tries to help find it, knowing his situation with Sissi last year.

Hiroki gets caught in a Xana trap that smacks him unconscious, causing Yumi to panic for her brother.

Yumi stays on Earth with her parents while the others go to Lyoko to deactivate the tower.

After the return to the past, Jeremie begins looking for a temporary solution for William’s absence.

Yumi, Ulrich, and Hiroki go out for ice cream as all is forgiven.

Yumi tells Ulrich she’ll one day show him what she wrote before they got together.

Ulrich promises to do the same.

Keynotes for S4 storyline

The William Clone is programmed to have adaptive sensors, making him somewhat normal to the unknown person.

Odd’s parents and older sister Marie come visit Odd to watch his short film.

Marie gives Odd advice for his love triangle dilemma.

When it is time for the week of Christmas break, the Warriors find a way to spend the holiday with Yumi to be all together.

Ulrich and Yumi almost break up from a misunderstanding by Xana disguising themselves as each other.

Xana-Ulrich creates an argument with Yumi while Xana-Yumi kisses another classmate.

Odd mischievously submits Aelita’s mix CD for the Subdigitals audition when she cannot make it.

Aelita is grateful to Odd when she is picked as a finalist.

Odd gets kicked out of the group for showing the new exchange student Brynja the factory.

Once back into the group (called on by Jeremie), Aelita and Odd get into an argument that lasts longer than any Yumi and Ulrich fight.

Jeremie is the mediator for Aelita and Odd, telling the two to be honest with each other.

Odd tells Aelita he likes her finally, and Aelita says she doesn’t know her feelings. Jeremie tells her it’s okay if she likes Odd back.

Aelita needs time to think, and the boys give her as much space as she needs.

Jeremie’s cousin Patrick enrolls at Kadic permanently, allowing the two to grow closer as family.

Patrick helps Jeremie come out of his shell a little bit, and in return, Jeremie tells Patrick about Lyoko.

Patrick promises to keep it a secret and thinks Lyoko is insane when sent to be part of ‘Return To The Past’.

William comes back a little bit before the last episode.

Yumi and William have a conversation where he apologizes for his actions on Lyoko and reacting horribly to her and Ulrich’s relationship.

William does a whole apology tour with the Warriors about his carelessness that led to getting trapped by Xana.

Odd and Ulrich are verbal about their distrust for William, especially to his face.

As Aelita finishes destroying Xana and comes back to Earth, Odd is the one to catch her as she cries for the loss of her father.

Series Finale

With Xana now destroyed thanks to the power of Franz Hopper’s sacrifice, the warriors must now turn off the supercomputer as there is no real purpose anymore. To Yumi’s surprise, the rest of the warriors are hesitant to turn it off. Yumi gets upset when everyone but her vote to not turn off the supercomputer and is quite confused by it.

Yumi distances herself from the rest of the group, not wanting to hear what their excuses are.

In an irritated voice due to Yumi being stubborn, Ulrich says he likes being a hero who feels unstoppable. He doesn’t get that feeling on Earth where he struggles in school with parents who are hardly present in his life.

Yumi says encouraging words about how Ulrich is a great person on Earth who cares for his friends and others.

Jeremi tells Patrick and Aelita how he is scared of turning back into a loner after shutting Lyoko off.

Patrick tells Jeremie he shouldn’t worry about that because the Warriors are all really close.

Aelita says they have a bond that can’t be broken even if they all live in different countries.

While in gym class, Aelita asks Odd why he didn’t want the supercomputer to be shut off.

Odd doesn’t want to turn it off then begin to miss it, but he knows it is for the best.

William tells Jeremie they need to shut the computer down after everything that’s happened bad to him.

Yumi apologizes for her stubbornness and hears out everyone's reasoning for not wanting to say goodbye to Lyoko yet.

Aelita talks to Odd about what they could be like in the future.

They never fully say out loud what happens, and there are no hard feelings from Jeremie.

One last hiccup from Sissi resulted in the last return to the past by Jeremie and Patrick. Aelita and Odd are sitting together on one bench while Yumi and Ulrich are under a tree.

#code lyoko #code lyoko evolution #fanfic #fanfiction #cartoon network #netflix #revision #writing #ao3

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dweemeister · 3 years

Photo

Best Documentary Short Film Nominees for the 93rd Academy Awards (2021, listed in order of appearance in the shorts package)

NOTE: For viewers in the United States (continental U.S., Alaska, and Hawai’i) who would like to watch the Oscar-nominated short film packages, click here. For virtual cinemas, you can purchase the packages individually or all three at once. You can find info about reopened theaters that are playing the packages in that link. Because moviegoing carries risks at this time, please remember to follow health and safety guidelines as outlined by your local, regional, and national health guidelines.

A Love Song for Latasha (2019)

On March 16, 1991, Latasha Harlins, a 15-year-old African-American girl, was murdered by Soon Ja Du at Du’s convenience store in Los Angeles. The murder, which occurred almost two weeks after Rodney King’s beating at the hands of the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), contributed to the start of the 1992 LA riots one year later. Directed by Sophia Nahli Allison, A Love Song for Latasha is an avant grade film that intercuts statements by Latasha’s friends and family about the young girl they cared deeply for. Alongside reenacted scenes of childhood, of black girls frolicking on the Californian coastline and the streets of Los Angeles, the film serves as an intimate eulogy for Latasha – one delivered as memories about her become less immediate.

Whatever justified rage the Los Angeles rioters might have felt in 1992 is not the dominant force in Allison’s film. A Love Song for Latasha is foremost a cinematic lament rather than a political polemic. With the reenacted scenes edited and appearing as if it resembling a home movie, this piece appears like a visualization of the memories that the interviewees are recalling. When Latasha was murdered, she ceased to be just a daughter or a friend. A Love Song for Latasha, thirty years on, seeks to reclaim those distinctions for those who knew her best – something, given the significance of Latasha’s murder in history, that may never happen.

My rating: 6.5/10

Do Not Split (2020, Norway)

From Norwegian documentarian-journalist Anders Hammer comes Do Not Split, a street-level glimpse into the protests against the 2019 Extradition Law Amendment Bill (ELAB) that inspired the passage of the 2020 Hong Kong national security law. The events depicted in Hammer’s film include the Hong Kong police’s sieges of the Chinese University of Hong Kong (CUHK) and Hong Kong Polytechnic University, in addition to small-scale clashes between protesters and police, as well as mainland Chinese instigating confrontations. Hammer’s footage is harrowing material, a collection of violent imagery with few moments of individual revelation or introspection outside of the presence of Michigan-born activist Joey Siu. Do Not Split decides not to attempt a dialectic of why the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) and the Hong Kong Legislative Council (LegCo) are pursuing these changes and are brutalizing the protesters, depriving this film of the context that less knowledgeable viewers might need. For those who have been keeping at least superficially aware of events in Hong Kong, there is never any question on which side Hammer is on – despite Hammer’s journalistic background, this is not a piece of objective journalism.

Yet this is not agitprop due to the politics left mostly unexplained, and none of Do Not Split’s flaws take away from the rawness of the protesters’ desperation and the cynicism of the police and government officials enacting the crackdown. Despite the repetitive nature of the footage by the time it reaches the final stages of its thirty-five-minute runtime, Do Not Split contains excellent, crisp hand-held footage that makes immediate sense of the space and time of the depicted violence.

My rating: 8/10

Hunger Ward (2020)

For Pluto TV (some cord-cutting television service I was not familiar with until I started writing this) and MTV Films and directed by Skye Fitzgerald (2018 Oscar-nominated short film Lifeboat), Hunger Ward follows doctor Aida Al-sadeeq and nurse Mekkia Mahdi as they treat malnourished children in the midst of ongoing the Yemeni famine. The famine, directly related to the civil war that began in late 2014, has seen almost a hundred thousand children die in what UNICEF describes as, “the largest humanitarian crisis in the world.” Fitzgerald film works best when focusing on Al-sadeeq and Mahdi, as they describe the heartbreak conditions of the hunger ward and their experiences since the famine began. However, much of Hunger Ward’s footage is too in-your-face with footage of the mothers’ grieving and the last moments of several children. It appears almost as if gawking at the desperation and death that occurs every day in this hospital.

This is not to say that there is no revelation in the image of a child with their eyes glazed in lifelessness or the unearthly wails of a mother overtaken by grief. Fitzgerald edits and shoots their film in a way that makes this process – a child in their last moments of care, a declaration of death, a shot of the child’s corpse, a cut to the mother inside or arriving to the deathbed, and the echoing despair – occur tediously in their movie. Hunger Ward never breaks from this tedious formula. The film is redeemed only by withholding its slings and arrows until some text prior to the end credits, correctly assigning responsibility with Western nations that have enabled and abetted the violence in Yemen.

My rating: 6/10

Colette (2020)

Colette Marin-Catherine is in her twilight years and, upon first appearances, one might not predict the incredible life story that she has to tell. She was a French Resistance member, and French Resistance narratives tend to be sidelined in favor of those depicting Allied soldiers liberating France instead. But Anthony Giacchino’s (the brother of composer Michael Giacchino) film, distributed by British newspaper The Guardian and made for an extra feature of the virtual reality (VR) video game Medal of Honor: Above and Beyond, decides to linger on the memories of Colette’s murdered brother, who died at Mittelbau-Dora concentration camp in Germany, instead. At the urging and with the assistance of the young historian Lucie Fouble, who is interested in telling Colette’s story (although technically this is not Colette’s story), Colette travels to Germany to visit the site of Mittelbau-Dora so that Colette can… spill out her feelings?

It is self-evident that Colette does not see the academic or personal value of such a trip, but the irascible subject of this short film will nevertheless humor Fouble – her intentions genuine, her approach questionable. Colette, who cannot forget the loss of brother but has not been dwelling on his death, is emotionally vulnerable throughout the trip to Germany, and the audience learns little about Colette, German atrocities, or her brother. Even in these moments, she remains a compelling figure on-screen, but this movie is a disservice to its eponymous subject – one who deserves more credit as a member of the French Resistance, as someone not defined by the worst thing that had ever happened to her.

My rating: 6/10

A Concerto Is a Conversation (2020)

Distributed by The New York Times and executive produced by Ava DuVernay, Ben Proudfoot and Kris Bower direct a deeply personal documentary short film to bookend this slate of five. A Concerto Is a Conversation contains a conversation between Kris Bowers (composer on 2018’s Green Book and 2021’s The United States vs. Billie Holiday) and his grandfather, Horace Bowers Sr., before the premiere of Bower’s concerto at the Walt Disney Concert Hall in Los Angeles. What follows is a disjointed film with sketches of Jim Crow-era America from Horace’s past to the anxiety-laden self-questioning of Kris’ present. Kris, as a black man, is questioning his place in the classical music world – which has, justifiably in some ways, been seen as staid and white. If A Concerto Is Not a Conversation can bridge the differences between Horace and Kris’ stories, it barely does so thank to the scattershot editing.

Yet Kris and Horace’s conversation is wholesome, admiring, loving. This is Kris’ way to show his appreciation for his grandfather and the struggles that he endured for most of his life. The out-of-focus background makes A Concerto Is Not a Conversation seem almost like a dream, a meeting that almost should not be happening. And in honoring Kris’ profession and the piece that is set to debut, the film is divided into noticeable thirds – just like a concerto’s three movements. A Concerto Is Not a Conversation might not make for the most cohesive viewing, but it is a celebration of a profound bond, tied together by forces that defy even the most eloquent words: music and love.

My rating: 6.5/10

^ All ratings based on my personal imdb rating. Half-points are always rounded down. My interpretation of that ratings system can be found in the “Ratings system” page on my blog (as of July 1, 2020, tumblr is not permitting certain posts with links to appear on tag pages, so I cannot provide the URL).

For more of my reviews tagged “My Movie Odyssey”, check out the tag of the same name on my blog.

From previous years: 88th Academy Awards (2016), 89th (2017), 90th (2018), 91st (2019) and 92nd (2020).

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kornrosen · 4 years

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hello :) just to clarify 1 = bad and 10 = good in termsof grades in Germany? It's confusing as in some other countries it's reversed!

Oh no sadly it’s a little bit more complicated. The point system is only used in the last two grades (=Oberstufe) because all those points will be added and make up a part (i think it’s a third everywhere, but I’m not sure) of your final grades.

Im gonna explain in detail how German grades work, so TLDR: The points go from 0 (bad) - 15 (good) and Mailin has the equivalent of a B- in the American system.

Usually in Germany we use grades from 1 to 6, where 1 is good and 6 is the worst. Similar to the American system where they use A to F, just with one grade more.

So now is where the complication begins. In some states like Bavaria those are usually the only grades. You get a 1 or a 2 no inbetween. In other states there’s usually steps between grades. And those can very well be different in every school you go to. I think the most common system nowadays is to use decimals. So can get a 1,1 or a 3,5 and that just means you’re between the two grades. This is also how your average in the end is written. So your points will at one point be translated back into this system!

The other common system of steps between grades is with quarter steps. These are indicated with a + or a - or with both grades at once. So for example a 2+ (2 plus) is a 1,75. A 2- (2 minus) is a 2,25. A 2-3 (2 to 3 or in German 2 bis 3) is a 2,5. And this system is actually used in the point system as well.

So how does the point system work exactly? So the points range from 15 to 0. To remember how they’re translate you begin at 15. This is the best one so it’s a 1+ (0,75). And then you go down with the quarter steps of every grade. BUT there are no half steps, so no 2-3 (2,5) or similar grades. And the last grade 6 has no quarter steps, because it just means you really did fail. (It’s what you get when you hand in an empty paper) So the points translate like this:

15 points = 1+ (0,75) 14 points = 1 13 points = 1- (1,25) 12 points = 2+ (1,75) 11 points = 2 10 points = 2- (2,25) 9 points = 3+ (2,75) 8 points = 3 7 points = 3- (3,25) 6 points = 4+ (3,75) 5 points = 4 Very important! Below this you fail. Where I did my abitur you could only have 5 grades below this point in the Oberstufe, or else you will not be allowed to do your Abitur. 4 points = 4- (4,25) 3 points = 5+ (4,75) 2 points = 5 1 point = 5- (5,25) 0 point = 6

Last bit about grades in Germay, then I’ll stop: I know there’s systems like for example in France or in some universities where the top grades are never given to anyone and a B+ would basically be like an A. That’s not the case here, the 15 is very rare in courses like History or German, where it’s the teachers’ judgement but it is used and it commonly happens in Maths, Physics or similar courses.

Hope this helped and didn’t confuse you more!! Also feel free to correct me if any of this doesn’t apply to Berlin!

#druck #german info #i guess #norangensaft #ask #it was really fun to explain this haha

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vinniev214972 · 3 years

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Kicking rocks on the block, telling all the OG’s I’ll be coming for yo spot when you're not looking. Hot cooking, Momma got it on the kitchen table. I thank God we were always able to, get the leather couch, big screen cable too. Nintendo when those good grades come through. These lyrics are from the #BestRapperAlive Do you know who that is ? #HappyLaborDayWeekend 🙂 💥Merch link in my bio 💥 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 💰DISCOUNT CODES 🤩 GOATX- 10% off & free shipping @zarges.usa GOATX5OFF- 5% off @ruggedbound GOATX15- 15% off @midlandusa GOATX - 10% off @dfgoffroad goat20- 20% off @condition1case GOATX - 17% off @rockpalsofficial • ➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖ 👇Check out these pages below 👇 @ruggedbound - South African importer for @bigcountry4x4sa adventure gear! @zarges.usa - best Aluminum cases imported from Germany for all your expedition storage needs (GOATX -10% off) @dfgoffroad - Fridge Tilt Slides 🙌 & more! @fjc.club - showcasing the hottest FJ Cruiser Builds in the world 🌎 @toyotatrailteams - highlighting Toyota’s on the trail doing what they do best! 🙌 • • • #outdoors #explorer #wanderor #overlander #fjcruiser #fjc #fjcruiseroffroad #fjcruiserforums #fjcruisernation #fjcruisertrd #fjcruisers #trdpro #trd #trailteams #toyotafj #yotamafia #yota #yotalife #yotagang #armygreen (at Peter's Point Beach) https://www.instagram.com/p/CTccJZeHNXs/?utm_medium=tumblr

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tester2080 · 3 years

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Nuclear power is necessary to stop climate change. Here's why.

15/09/21

I'll be covering a few different concerns and topics related to nuclear energy, such as:

1. Safety

2. Efficiency

3. Waste

4. Feasibility

Safety: When people think about nuclear energy, they usually instantly think of accidents such as Chernobyl and Fukushima and the risks associated with a nuclear meltdown. This causes people to write of nuclear power as dangerous and not worth it. However, this couldn't be further from the truth. In reality, nuclear meltdowns, especially ones that end up doing any harm, are incredibly rare.

Apart from Chernobyl, no nuclear workers or members of the public have ever died as a result of exposure to radiation due to a commercial nuclear reactor incident. Most of the serious radiological injuries and deaths that occur each year (2-4 deaths and many more exposures above regulatory limits) are the result of large uncontrolled radiation sources, such as abandoned medical or industrial equipment. (There have also been a number of accidents in experimental reactors and in one military plutonium-producing pile - at Windscale, UK, in 1957 - but none of these resulted in loss of life outside the actual plant, or long-term environmental contamination.

There have been two major reactor accidents in the history of civil nuclear power - Chernobyl and Fukushima Daiichi. Chernobyl involved an intense fire without provision for containment, and Fukushima Daiichi severely tested the containment, allowing some release of radioactivity. These are the only major accidents to have occurred in over 18,500 cumulative reactor-years of commercial nuclear power operation in 36 countries. [1] 2 major accidents in 18,500 reactor-years is incredibly low. Imagine if there was a single reactor built. If that had the same probability of meltdown as the average of all nuclear reactors so far, it would take 9,250 years for an accident to occur. The pyramids were built 4,691 years ago. If the Egyptians had built a modern nuclear reactor, it would likely still not have experienced a meltdown, and wouldn't for another 4,559 years. The FAA estimates there to be 25,506,000 flight hours per year [20]. In 2019 there were 86 plane crashes [21]. This works out to be around 3.37176 crashes per million flight hours. Comparatively, in total there have been 162,060,000 reactor hours and 2 main accidents. This works out to be 0.01234 accidents per million reactor hours or 273.24 times less likely for an accident to occur from a nuclear reactor than a plane per operating hour. Nuclear plants are similar to plane crashes in the way that they are incredibly rare, and therefore every accident sees major coverage. Just as you hear about every plane crash but not every car crash and therefore planes seem less safe than they are, you hear about every nuclear reactor accident but not every person who dies from fossil-fuel related pollution, or other deaths involved in the production of non-renewable energy, therefore making nuclear power seem less safe. Furthermore, the probability of a nuclear meltdown occurring is much higher when you include accidents, such as Chernobyl, which occurred in the 1980s, when safety was not as prioritised and therefore skews the current probability of a nuclear accident. It would be like including accidents from back in the 40s when assessing the probability of a plane crash nowadays. However, due to the low number of nuclear power plants and exceptionally low number of accidents, a more accurate figure is difficult to calculate. However, the risk of any nuclear accident occurring today is incredibly low.

Additionally, accidents are far from the only way producing power kills people. Air pollution, which largely comes from fossil fuels, kills over 5 million people a year, contributing to 9% of global deaths, and making it 4th highest contributor to deaths a year [2]. When you compare 5 million a year to the approximate 5,000 deaths overall from nuclear energy, the deaths from nuclear power seem incredibly low. Whilst obviously we must strive to reach 0 deaths, this is impossible with current technology. Air pollution resulting directly from fossil fuels is estimated to cause 4.5 million premature deaths a year [3]. The total electricity generation from fossil fuels is approximately 136,761TWh per year [4]. Given that (including accidents) nuclear power causes 0.07 deaths per TWh [1], if you replaced all fossil fuel electricity generation with nuclear power, approximately 9,573 people would die a year from all nuclear power related causes (mining, accidents, etc). This means that approximately 4.5 million people a year would not die that would have died had fossil fuels been used. That means that despite nuclear power being heavily opposed by the general public [5], the use of nuclear power would actively save millions of lives a year.

That brings us on to our next point. You may have looked at the safety graph and are thinking "well solar only kills 0.02 people/TWh and wind is only 0.04/TWh, compared to 0.07/TWh [1] - so why would we use nuclear? Why not just use solar and wind, after all, they kill less people." However, scaling up to a planetary (or even country-wide) level is really where ordinary renewables start to fail.

Solar and wind power alone can't scale up fast enough to generate the vast amounts of electricity that will be needed by midcentury, especially as we convert car engines and the like from fossil fuels to carbon-free energy sources. Even Germany's concerted recent effort to add renewables-the most ambitious national effort so far-was nowhere near fast enough. A global increase in renewables at a rate matching Germany's peak success would add about 0.7 trillion kilowatt-hours of clean electricity every year. That's just over a fifth of the necessary 3.3 trillion annual target.

To put it another way, even if the world were as enthusiastic and technically capable as Germany at the height of its renewables buildup-and neither of these is even close to true in the great majority of countries-decarbonizing the world at that rate would take nearly 150 years. [6] The storage of all the renewable power would also be an issue Bill Gates, who has invested $1 billion in renewables, notes that "there's no battery technology that's even close to allowing us to take all of our energy from renewables." [6] Our analysis demonstrates that realising nuclear energy's potential is essential to achieving a deeply decarbonised energy future in many regions of the world [7] While we are installing renewables at record speeds, at the same time the amount of fossil fuels we're burning for electricity still keeps rising year by year. Renewables have, so far, not been able to catch up with the demand for new electricity and so despite our progress, emissions from electricity are still rising world wide. [8] It becomes rather clear when you look at Germany, which has been actively removing nuclear power plants. Despite building huge amounts of renewable plants, they still get 49.5% of their energy from non-renewable sources [9]. Compare that to countries like "France and Sweden: In France, only around 10% comes from fossil fuels, while 67% comes from nuclear and 23% from renewables, primarily hydro [10]. In Sweden almost 30% comes from nuclear power, and almost 45% from hydro [11]. So we know that nuclear energy can work at scale."[12]. These countries clearly show how nuclear can be used alongside renewables to get the maximum benefit of both. Renewables on their own are not enough to power the entire grid, as they have periods where they must go offline. For example, wind and solar can only produce maximum power for 35.4% and 24.9% of the year respectively [13]. This means that the other 65+% of the time, energy must be taken out of batteries if we were to just use wind and solar. This is not feasible. However, compare those percentages to the incredibly high 92.5% of the year where nuclear power plants can produce maximum power [13]. Therefore, by having both nuclear and other renewables, nuclear can easily supplement the power generation when other renewables cannot. The only other power source close to nuclear's capacity factor is geothermal (74.3% [13]) however, that is not a feasible method of energy generation in most countries. Furthermore, nuclear plants are incredibly efficient. It is estimated that 1 pound of uranium can provide as much energy as 5,000 barrels of oil [24]. Regardless of how safe you believe nuclear power plants to be, if you want to stop climate change by powering the grid cleanly, they must be used.

When people think of nuclear reactors and the downsides, nuclear waste is a very common thing to be cited. However, 97% of the waste is low or intermediate level waste (90% and 7% respectively) and storage of it is not much of an issue [14]. The idea that we don't have any idea of what to do with the remaining 3% is untrue, "Safe methods for the final disposal of high-level radioactive waste are technically proven; the international consensus is that geological disposal is the best option."[15] "The concept of final storage in deep geological formations has become established as a means of safe radwaste management in order to ensure lasting protection against radioactive waste for people and for the environment. This method allows the radioactive waste to be kept away from human living environments in the long term - i.e. for many millennia." [16] "There is a common solution to the challenges of ensuring long term safety for spent fuel and of preventing weapon grade materials being illegally diverted and misused. Deep geologic repositories are the answer. The paper describes the specific engineering, geological, hydrogeological and geotechnical challenges involved at each phase in the development of a geologic repository." [17] In the incredibly rare scenario where there has been a leak, it has not caused any significant harm. In 2014 a leak was detected in a repository in New Mexico. 13 workers tested positive for radiation and even though every radiation level above zero is worth investigating, the radiation exposure was ten times less radiation than that delivered during a typical chest X-ray. [17] It is clear that safe storage of nuclear waste is not much of a problem, with the only issue being with potentially the amount of space it takes up, however, currently the amount of high level waste is "12,000 tonnes worldwide every year, which is the equivalent of a two-storey structure built on a basketball court or about 100 double-decker buses and is modest compared with other industrial wastes."[14]. A lot of this HLW can be reprocessed "As of 2013 approximately 370,000 tons have been generated worldwide since the first reactor was connected to the grid, of which roughly one third (124,000 tons) has been reprocessed" [18]. For example, "In France, where fuel is reprocessed, just 0.2% of all radioactive waste by volume is classified as high-level waste (HLW)" [15]. Additionally nuclear recycling [22] exists and could possibly be used to further reduce nuclear waste. However, costs for such reactors are high, and engineers in that area are rare. Additionally, there are fears about the plutonium created being used for weapons (although such a thing being successfully carried out is very unlikely) [23].

Despite the many recent breakthroughs in nuclear fusion [25][26] nuclear fusion is still likely at least 5 years away from reaching net energy output, and like 20 years away from feasibly being able to use it to power the entire grid. Whilst I wholeheartedly support the advent of nuclear fusion technology and development, and believe once it powers the entire grid we should start retiring nuclear fission plants. However, we cannot just hope that nuclear fusion or some other magic technology will swoop in and save us from climate change at the last second. We have already gone past the point of no return - at this stage we are simply attempting damage mitigation really

Many changes due to past and future greenhouse gas emissions are irreversible for centuries to millennia, especially changes in the ocean, ice sheets and global sea level. [27] Nuclear fission reactors are here now. They work. They can feasibly stop the effects of climate change. However, we must act now. We must stop decommissioning nuclear plants early, and try to rapidly build new ones. It is a race against time. As I have mentioned previously, renewables alone will not be enough. And I'm not going to argue that we should go entirely nuclear either. What we need is a mix of both. I have shown that nuclear power is safe, effective, and necessary. If we want to stop climate change, we cannot shy away from using one of the most powerful tools we have. Thank you for reading.

If you found this article changed your mind, or even perhaps just put you on the fence about nuclear energy, please share it or even just a summary of the points here, or in any of the sources listed, on any sort of platform you may have a following on. We must change the public perception of nuclear power for the better. We must save lives by reducing air pollution. We must save the planet. It is an immense challenge and we need as much public support of viable climate change prevention methods as possible.

If you have any questions or issues regarding this article, feel free to contact me at [email protected] and I will try to get back to you as soon as possible.

[1] https://www.world-nuclear.org/information-library/safety-and-security/safety-of-plants/safety-of-nuclear-power-reactors.aspx [2] https://ourworldindata.org/air-pollution#air-pollution-is-one-of-the-world-s-leading-risk-factors-for-death [3] https://www.greenpeace.org/usa/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/The-Price-of-Fossil-Fuels-full-report.pdf [4] https://ourworldindata.org/fossil-fuels [5] https://ourworldindata.org/grapher/public-opposition-to-nuclear-energy-production [6] https://www.wsj.com/articles/only-nuclear-energy-can-save-the-planet-11547225861?ns=prod/accounts-wsj [7] https://energy.mit.edu/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/The-Future-of-Nuclear-Energy-in-a-Carbon-Constrained-World.pdf [8] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhAemz1v7dQ - https://ourworldindata.org/grapher/elec-fossil-nuclear-renewables?stackMode=absolute&country=~OWID_WRL [9] https://strom-report.de/germany-power-generation-2020/ [10] https://ourworldindata.org/grapher/elec-fossil-nuclear-renewables?tab=chart&country=~FRA&region=World [11] https://ourworldindata.org/grapher/electricity-prod-source-stacked?tab=chart&stackMode=relative&time=earliest..latest&country=~SWE&region=World [12] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhAemz1v7dQ [13] https://www.energy.gov/ne/articles/nuclear-power-most-reliable-energy-source-and-its-not-even-close [14] https://web.archive.org/web/20160313120210/http://www.world-nuclear.org/information-library/nuclear-fuel-cycle/nuclear-wastes/radioactive-wastes-myths-and-realities.aspx [15] https://www.world-nuclear.org/information-library/nuclear-fuel-cycle/nuclear-wastes/radioactive-waste-management.aspx [16] https://www.ensi.ch/en/waste-disposal/deep-geological-repository/ [17] https://onepetro.org/ISRMIS/proceedings-abstract/IS00/All-IS00/ISRM-IS-2000-015/50923 [18] https://www.nature.com/articles/nature.2014.14778 [19] https://www.boell.de/sites/default/files/2019-11/World_Nuclear_Waste_Report_2019_Focus_Europe_0.pdf [20] https://www.faa.gov/air_traffic/by_the_numbers/ [21] https://www.theguardian.com/world/2021/jan/02/plane-crash-deaths-rose-in-2020-despite-pandemic [22] https://whatisnuclear.com/recycling.html [23] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breeder_reactor#Discussion [24] https://web.archive.org/web/20140418044236/http://pandoraspromise.com/ [25] https://phys.org/news/2021-09-superconducting-magnet-magnetic-field-strength.html [26] https://www.popularmechanics.com/science/a37359406/nuclear-fusion-ignition-breakthrough/ [27] https://www.ipcc.ch/report/ar6/wg1/

#nuclear #nuclear fission #fusion #nuclear fusion #fission #electricity #carbon #electric #zero emissions #greenhouse gas emissions #climate change #global warming #power #politics #ecofriendly #save the planet

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kevkesblog · 4 years

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Translation: kicker magazine profile about Julian Brandt (July 27, 2020)

By Thomas Hennecke and Matthias Dersch

Had he made this artistic pass during the corona pandemic with empty stands in the stadium, it would have been a pity. A week before Christmas however, there is almost no free space in the Signal Iduna Park left. Everybody is ripped off their seats – except the RB Leipzig fans – the moment Julian Brandt marks the second goal. Brandt digs deep into his toolbox. Receiving the pass by Sancho, processing the ball, shot. Three actions in one fluent move, south American suppleness with ice-cold efficiency, a master class. Goal of the month December.

This cool blonde with the jersey number 19 – he is a man for the special moments. A player who makes a difference. And a gambler. A footballer having fun and who lets the difficult things look easy and made his relaxed demeanor a trademark. You can guess why he named Diego (the Bremer, not Maradona”, like Brandt said in BVB-TV) is his idol. The Brazilian used to have the blessings to do great things on the pitch. Diego also had a dream goal in his repertoire: 62,5 meter distance on April 20, 2007 against Alemannia Aachen. End score: 3:1.

The fact Brandt coolness also comes from a sometimes fatal way of risking things, relativizes his actions. You are torn a bit. People who appreciate show, spontaneity, art and creativity will love him more than people adding statistics and all mistakes and how they translate onto the pitch. The ‘Süddeutsche Zeitung’ looks beyond that and celebrated Brandt as a “Player with the Wow-Effect”. Brandt plays passes, so precise they will find almost every gap. As if they were managed by an electronic brain. He celebrates chop passes which look good and find their goals. But he also screws up counter chances with sloppy passes. He gives goals to his opponents with carless back passes. Or he shoots x-times against the goal, without a slightest danger to the goal keepers.

2019 is the second year with coach Lucien Favre and the so-called “restart”. BVB manager Zorc took a lot of money into his hands, in order to optimize the team. Looking back he wouldn’t be as passionate about some transfers as he was back then – but the 25 million euros for Brandt are still a good and useful investment, Zorc thinks: “Julian is a talented football player and has a lot of potential. He is very active on the pitch, demanding the ball, plays in a self-confidend way and doesn’t hide.”

Then follows the “but”. Zorc follows everything very closely from his box seat on the team bench. He sees mistakes by Brandt, unnecessary mistakes – calles “unforced errors” in tennis. “He still does a lot of them”, Zorc complains. “He has still work to do when it comes to working against the ball, Julian knows that best himself.” Indeed one doesn’t have to look far to find weaknesses. He himself is his biggest critic, the professional once claimed. Yet, he never lets that sort of self-reflection get out of his hands: “I always question myself, whenever I’m not performing well. But I never question the fact that I still can do it.”

It’s easy to spot: this Brandt-guy is not Mr. Perfect nor a football-playing robot. Rather he is an un-adjusted fine spirit on the pitch. Always in a good mood, with a fresh quote on his lips. During the USA-journey to Seattle last year, he was walking interested through the Museum of Pop Culture where Borussia was celebrating its “Black and Yellow night”. He had some small talk with journalists, he seems relaxed, approachable and cool. The opposite of the footballer clicheé of being arrogant. Brandt is “a fantastic guy” says Captian Marco Reus, “he’s a funny and open guy”.

As engaging, positive and uncomplicated his persona comes across: sometimes however Brandt appears to be less serious about stuff. It’s seems as if an extra scoop of ambition is missing, based on his body language. Unlike many other professionals. “I heard from many people before, about me looking like I’m sort of listlessness I embody”, Brandt said during an interview with the former BVB-player Patrick Owomoyela. Yet he assures: “My inner drive is always there.”

Brandt shows both faces during the game against Leipzig. Magical and faulty. He serves Timo Werner the 2:2-goal on a silver platter with his horrible wrong pass. “Perhaps someday there will be the award: wrong pass of the month”, says the 24 year-old. “I’m sure, I’ll get into the top 5.” BVB-boss Hans Joachim Watzke is face-palming on the stands in that moment. With some distance he likes Brandt’s way of playing. The BVB-boss says: “Julian makes extraordinary mistakes, because you can only play extraordinary if you take risky passes or have risky ideas.”

Five months later, both major teams in Germany play against each other on the evening of May 26. Borussia against Bayern; light house 2 against light house 1. Dortmund has to win, otherwise the Bundesliga title will be gone and Dortmund starts in a rush. Erling Haaland gets the ball in the midfield after 17 seconds, by winning a head ball against Joshua Kimmich. From the back Brandt storms in front like a speed train, captures the situation, speeds up the game and passes over to Thorgan Hazard with his left foot. The clock ticks – 19 seconds into the game – Manuel Neuer gets out of his goal and saves the situation for Bayern at the last moment. But he passes the ball into Haalands feet. His shot rushes through Neuers feet until Jerome Boating saves it for Bayern on the goal line. Brandt goal celebration dies on his lips. The blitz goal after just one minute – it would have been his act as well.

Same game, 43rd minute. Mats Hummels defending for Dortmund, the ball moves a few meters to the left. Kimmich gets the ball, looks up, sees Roman Bürki standing a bit too far away from the goal, shoots and scores. The guy standing the closest to Kimmich: Brandt. It would have been unfair to make him responsible for the goal alone, half of the team is responsible as well. Yet some people who’s heart is beating for black and yellow would have preferred Brandt at least trying to hinder Kimmich on making his genius shot. He does: nothing.

He's a day dreamer, Brandt once said. Day dreamers keep strolling through their thoughts. A study found out: day dreamers are capable finding time to dream because their brains have enough space left. In the past day dreaming was understood as a sign of lack of concentration and attention – today people see it as a sign of intelligence and creativity. Like a lost professor: brilliant, sharp mind, yet sunk into his own world.

It is however no explanation for him being passive in front of the goal in May that basically pre-decided the German championship. Brandt made his day dreamer confession in a different context – when asked about a career plan. He doesn’t have one, he said: “Everything that happens in my life, happens spontaneously. I don’t even know what I will be doing in three weeks from now.” Brandt lives his live as free and individual as possible and as disciplined as necessary. He likes to sleep long in the morning and only leave “shortly” in order to just barley making it on time at the training ground. “Every minute is sacred” he says with a wink of an eye. “I don’t know how often I had to pay a penalty for being too late.”

A year Brandt is employed in Dortmund. The statistics are showing respectable numbers. 42 games, seven goals, 13 assists, ten second-pass assists. The season prior in Leverkusen he had seven goals and 15 assists – just in the Bundesliga. He added six scorer points in the DFB Cup then and the Europa League. “I had to find my place during the first months. I played on many positions and didn’t know many of the boys yet. It’s why it was a bit un-harmonic”, says Brandt. “Nevertheless, now I’m “in”. I had a nice year with great moments. I have to say: I’m really satisfied. Everything can get much better. However its was fine for the first year.”

Brandt wanders through the BVB team, gets put into five different roles. The center midfield is the place where he can show his class the best – whenever he has the game in front of him. He can put his instincts and creativity into force and can create chances with his passes. He is basically a lost force when playing way in front. Except against Slavia Prag in the Champions League he confirmed with two assists, Favre decision putting him into the front as a striker. His abilities are also limited once he plays on the wings.

He never has a lack of commitment and engagement. Brandt is running on average 11,85 kilometers in 90 minutes. Nobody of the permanent Dortmund players is running more. He wins 52,4 % of his one-on-ones – more than Sancho (45,6%), Marco Reus (44,6%), Hazard (42,0%) or Haaland (41,4%). His passing with a 84 percent accuracy however still has room for improvement compared to the other specialists like Axel Witsel (94,1%), Dan-Axel Zagadou (91,1%) or Raphael Guerreiro (89,2%).

Brandt is brilliant in games like against Gladbach (DFB Cup, kicker-grade: 1,5), against Fortuna Düsseldorf or Schalke in the Bundesliga (both 1,5). He has personal low points in Freiburg (sub in and out of the same game; grade: 5), in Munich (grade: 6) and against Milan in the Champions League, where he basically loses the ball in almost every scene. Every game becomes a personal balancing act for the highly skilled national player: he dances on a high wire – here and there he loses his grip and crashes down.

His time in Dortmund started with a glitch. He makes a mistake and drives onto the parking lot of the youth time at 7.45am in the morning. A BVB employee has to show him the way. Brandt decided to leave the comfort zone Leverkusen on purpose. “Dortmund” – he says, “Dortmund is much bigger in terms of media interest, the stadium, the number of fans and in terms of pressure. It’s a different game here. It could make a mark on me and will serve me good.” And then there is the wish to win a title which made him to transfer to Dortmund. It’s about a basic attitude in sports, Brandt said a year ago, “everybody should have the drive to win every game.”

Because Dortmund only won 28 of their 46 games this past season (seven draws, eleven defeats) a lively debate about coach Favré heats up as well as a discussion about the mentality of the team. No fans will get together in Dortmund and celebrate the fifth second place finish of the team since 2013. Nobody will fill extra pages in historic club chronicles, some BVB players are now suspecting. “We are not satisfied to finish second”, Brandt confesses. “We aren’t angry, but also not satisfied. We want more.” He then sticks up for his colleagues who get criticized for some bad performances and whenever there are doubts about their mentality and the harsh criticism: “We want to the big price. The team is hungry, they are in for it to win titles. The team is capable of that. You have to always aim high.”

Children who are having their first day of school this year, have lived a life only knowing Bayern Munich as German football champions. In order for them to understand that other teams can be successful as well, Dortmund needs to win the “all-or-nothing”-games, Brandt thinks. The duels with the other Bundesliga havy weights: Bayern Munich, Leipzig, Mönchengladbach, Leverkusen. “You have to win those games, if you want to stay on top”, he says. “Yet you also have to take smaller teams seriously. Something like a 3-3 draw against Paderborn is fatal.”

Borussia Dortmund gave the players four weeks vacation. This Thursday the team will come back together well rested. The months during the corona crisis, the tough hygiene rules of the German Bundesliga, left a mark on Brandt. “It does something to you”, he confesses, “you don’t see many people. You see your family, perhaps a few friends. Otherwise: nobody. You are happy to be able to go out and have some freedoms again.” Now he can go out again – at least a bit.

#julianbrandt #julian brandt #bvb #BVB09 #borussiadortmund #borussia dortmund #Bundesliga #dfb #diemannschaft #German NT

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afoolforatook · 5 years

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A RWBY V7 Ep12 rant.....When I say this is long..... Legit was fucking 37 pages double spaced at one point. Sorry....

Before this gets started I want to warn you, this is long (even longer than I thought it’d be going in). It’s probably too long ... actually it is definitely too long but if I agonize over editing it down again and again I won’t get it up before the finale. It’s probably repetitive at times, and most certainly not anything I’ll be showing off as an example of my top essay writing. And I want to be able to say that the length pays off because I have some grand hopeful insight at the end. I want to say I know things will be okay. But the fact that I can’t is exactly why I’m writing this, and why it’s so long. So if you need this to have a hopeful ending, I’m sorry, I don’t have one for you currently. I want to, so badly. But to me false hope would be even worse. So if you can’t handle another long post that doesn’t end with a way to fix things, it’s okay, take care of yourself. But maybe the most hopeful thing I can tell you, and tell you up front, is that you aren’t alone in your pain.

I want to preface this all with one more thing: I don’t hate CRWBY. I respect them, support them. I’ve wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt as much as I could. That doesn’t mean I can’t criticize them or expect more from them or just be plain angry with them. I can be vocal about all of that without harassing them, without hating them. I don’t think they’re just plain evil or homophobic. I still want to believe that they can do things that will allow me to trust them again. Maybe it’s naive, but I want to, at the very least, still have hope that this wasn’t malicious, just very poorly conceived and executed.

And I know that other people who are hurting like me are lashing out towards CRWBY. And while I don’t at all condone that kind of reaction, I can understand it to an extent. Because I’m very, very hurt and angry and it would be so easy to let loose and say all the awful stuff I want to in my anger. To yell and call people out and not care how I come across. It would definitely be a lot easier than spending all week writing this long thing and agonizing over making it perfect. There is nothing wrong with venting and being raw and open and angry, but just as we want CRWBY to be aware that their actions can truly hurt people, we need to be conscious of the fact that so can ours. Many people are very hurt right now. And whether or not you think it was queerbaiting/BYG or not, or even whether or not you just think it was bad writing, no one has the right to invalidate the people who are hurting right now, many of whom are queer people dealing with personal traumas and mental illness.

The few people who are attacking CRWBY and other fans (and there is a difference between being angry and vocal about that anger and just attacking them) do not invalidate the hurt people are feeling. If you are hurt or angry you have every right to be. You have every right to stop watching the show or leave the fandom, or communicate your hurt to CRWBY. But communicate means just that; communicate. Talk. You can be as angry as you are, you don’t have to temper your pain to be more tolerable to the people who caused that pain. But there is a difference between being harsh and honest about how hurt you are, and harassing real people. And I won’t say “harassing real people over a fictional character/show” because I know it’s more complicated than that. My hurt this past week isn’t over a fictional character or a ship. It’s about me and what I’ve been through and the fact that the very thing that gave me strength in hard times was turned into something that confirmed my biggest fears and hurt me immensely.

The world always gets so sentimental when we see things about fictional stories giving people some comfort, and we celebrate that. But as soon as people say they can be hurt just as much by media, we lash out, say they’re overreacting, that they’re just getting upset over fictional characters. But you can’t have it both ways. We can’t want fiction to be important and inspiring to people and then belittle people who are negatively impacted by the same material, especially when often that vulnerability comes from a history of trauma and/or being neurodivergent. I am extremely hurt. I feel betrayed and abandoned and angry. And it will take time for me to process all of that and move past it. But I can be all of those things without attacking CRWBY or the people who might disagree with me.

To me, this isn’t about disagreeing. We can argue forever about whether or not this was queerbaiting or bury your gays or poor writing (and I honestly at this moment don’t even know what I think about all of that because I’m not in that headspace currently) but the fact is that there are many, many people who feel it was, and who are hurting because of that, and whether you believe it was or not does not give you the right to invalidate the real pain that they are feeling. Who is right is less important than the fact that people, people who were already vulnerable, have been hurt. So, please. Respect each other. Respect those who are hurting. Respect those who aren’t and don’t understand, and respect CRWBY. You can still be angry and speak out without attacking others.

With that said, to fully understand why this has affected me so much, and why it’s going to take a long time for me to get back to where I was, regardless of how the volume ends, there are things you need to know about my history. It’s a lot of background and this is already going to be a longer post than I’d really like, but it’s important to understanding why RWBY is so important to me, and thus able to have such a negative effect on me. So please, bear with me. Also, fair warning, though at this point it’s probably obvious, but my story isn’t happy. I still haven’t found my own positive ending to it. If it’s too much for you to read right now, please, like I said before, take care of yourself.

I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Farley. I’m 24, nonbinary (they/them), biromantic, demisexual. I have MDD, GAD, ADHD, Panic Disorder, OCD, Comorbid PTSD, and am trying to get an official autism diagnosis. I’m a full on alphabet soup. I struggle with imposter syndrome, intrusive thoughts, self-isolation, dermatillomania, and multiple trauma related phobias. My queer and neurodivergent identities are huge parts of my life and I try to be as open as possible about them, in the hopes of helping end the stigma around them. One of the main ways I cope with my mental health issues on a day to day basis is through hyperfixations. While it might not technically be the healthiest method, it’s what I’ve found to work for me when I’m in a really bad place and unable to practice more active coping skills. Through stories and characters that I relate to, I can separate my problems from myself a little and both escape from them for a while when needed, and view them a little more clearly from a new perspective.

That’s some important info about me, but what really matters here is the past five years of my life and the trauma within them.

In October of 2015, a few months into my sophomore year of college, I went into a deep depression, mostly brought on by multiple family deaths and stresses over the past summer that I had not properly had time to process and recover from. I quit my job as an RA and withdrew from school and moved back home with my parents. While this was the right decision at the time, it wasn’t easy. I left a very close group of friends at school, and didn’t really have a strong support system at home aside from my parents. My friends from high school had all gone off to college themselves, and the few that still lived in town were often busy with work or school. And because I have an intense fear of driving and needed time to get myself in a better place before starting a job, I ended up spending most of my time home alone. I became more and more isolated, to the point of verging on agoraphobic, and my parents and I started thinking about ways I could basically get my life started again.

But isolation messes with your head, and makes you want to just isolate more and more. In mid February of 2016 I started to really work on being social again. Mostly because I started talking to my best friend from high school, Emma, regularly again. She knew I was struggling, and while I’ve always had a hard time keeping in touch with people, Emma has always been the person I never felt self conscious about going to. We talked everyday. After high school, Emma’s mom and younger brother had moved to Ohio (I live in NC) and Emma had gone to school in Oregon. Her father lives in Germany. So between visiting her family in Ohio and Germany she didn’t have a lot of time during breaks to come back to NC to visit friends. Since we graduated I’d only seen her once for about 12 hours during that awful summer. But now we were skyping and chatting everyday. And slowly I started to be less and less scared of being more social. I wanted to hang out with friends. I was excited about going back to school in the fall.

Something important to understand about me and Emma is how close we’ve always been. We’d been best friends since 8th grade. We told each other we were soulmates, soulfriends, when we were 15. Nearly everyone in our small high school thought we were dating at one time or another. I always knew I loved her. I was fine with our relationship being “only” platonic. Because platonic wasn’t “only”. It was absolutely perfect. It was having her as one of the most important people in my life, and me in hers, and that’s all I wanted. But I also knew that if she ever wanted to try a romantic relationship, I’d be open.

Around the time I left school Emma had been going through a lot herself. She was finally getting help for her own mental health issues and she was, for the first time, really thinking about her identity and sexuality. On May 4th 2016 she texted me like always, but this time she was nervous. She wanted to tell me something. She said she was still confused about her sexuality and didn’t know where she fell. But when she tried to think of being with someone, the only person she pictured was me. And I told her basically what I just told you. So we started talking about testing out us being a couple. She had already been planning to come to NC to visit after she went to Ohio later that month for her brother’s high school graduation. And my parents were going on a two week vacation around that time as well. So we decided that she would come and stay with me for two weeks. We would keep this to ourselves until then, so that we could see if this was really the best thing for us. And if so, then we’d tell people. We’d always talked about living together after school, but now we wanted to see exactly what we wanted our relationship to be. She bought a bus ticket for May 26th and would stay through June 10th or so, which would mean she’d be there for her 20th birthday on June 5th. We talked everyday about our plans for her visit. How excited we were, how we could cook dinner together and dance around the house in our underwear, and just get to be Us again. We talked to friends, planning to visit friends from high school and maybe even my friends from college.

On May 18th I texted Emma around 11 pm. I hadn’t heard from her all day which was unusual but she was in Ohio celebrating her mom’s birthday and getting ready for her brother’s graduation that weekend, so she was probably just busy. We’d told each other goodnight every night for months at that point. So I told her I loved her and was so excited to see her in just over a week.

The next morning it was a bit odd that she still hadn’t texted me back but again, I just assumed she was busy with family. And then the mail came, and the last part of a birthday present I was making for her arrived. So I got to work, giddy.

Around 2 pm my other best friend from high school, Juli, called me. For some reason I decided I’d just call her back later, I was too engrossed in making Emma’s present. About 20 minutes later I heard a knock on my door and turned to see my parents standing in the doorway to my room. I vividly remember spinning around happily and saying “Hey! Everything okay?” even as I noticed the tears on my dad’s face and how pale my mom was. My stomach knotted and I stood as my mom said “N-no. Honey…..” and walked towards me. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for her to say that a grandparent or aunt or uncle had died. But as she got closer and put a shaking hand on my shoulder, I got a little more confused, a different kind of scared. One of my cousins? One of my baby cousins?

Nothing could have prepared me for her telling me that there’d been an accident in Ohio. That Emma, and her mom, and her brother, and her aunt had been in a crash…. And that all four of them had been killed on impact. The only thing I remember about the rest of the night is the pain of continuously screaming, punching the wall until my dad stopped me, and calling my friends from college, trying to have someone to talk to, someone who I could call who wouldn’t also be mourning. I couldn’t handle my own grief, let alone anyone else’s at that moment.

There’s a lot more to that story. There’s the memorial service in Ohio and meeting her dad and stepmom for the first time. There’s the service we put together at our high school and seeing our friend group all together again, except not. There’s the panic attacks every time I saw a garbage truck, or my parents drove off to work.

But most importantly for what you need to know right now, is my sliding back into isolation. I barely ever saw my friends from home and every time I did for the next two years it had something to do with mourning Emma. I saw my college friends a few times; them coming to visit or me taking a bus to stay the weekend. But eventually they went back to school and I stayed at home. I drifted away from high school friends because I didn’t know how to handle being with them when everything we did together reminded me of what I’d lost. I didn’t know how to talk to them because I needed their support but knew I didn’t have it in me to be supportive of them, and that wasn’t fair. I drifted away from my college friends for the same reasons, and even more so as the group dynamic that I had left slowly changed and faded until I didn’t know who was talking to who anymore and I again felt bad for dumping my shit on them when I couldn’t do the same. I began to think that all I brought to any social interaction was my pain and hopelessness. I would just bring everyone else down. They shouldn’t have to deal with my pain. So a year after I left school I was even more alone. I’d lost or pushed away all the people in my life that I’d expected to be lifelong friends, family. And I didn’t know how to begin to fix that. I didn’t know if I wanted to. I didn’t know if I deserved to.

The only reason I was even still alive was because anytime I even got close to thinking about hurting myself, I could just sense Emma glaring at me, yelling at me, telling me that I couldn’t let this stop me from living out all those dreams we’d talked about. And I knew that my life wasn’t just mine anymore, that all those dreams, that bond, the parts of my favorite person that only I knew, would be lost if I died.

But I didn't have my friends to vent to, and as supportive as my parents were (I’d told them and a few close friends about me and Emma that first terrible week) I needed friends. But I didn’t know how to reconnect and I was too scared to go out and meet new people, especially knowing that at some point I’d have to drop the “dead girlfriend” bomb on them, and who’d want to stick around after that? So I tried to use media and hyperfixations to pull myself out of spirals, like I always had. But it was hard. Because most of the things that had been comforting before were all things I’d shared with Emma, and so now they were just more reminders of her absence. And even new things I found soon turned rotten because I couldn’t help but think about how I wish I could show it to Emma. Everything that made me happy for even a moment would pretty soon make me sad.

Eventually I found things that comforted me and helped me be creative again and that led me to starting school again, nearly three years after I’d left, at SCAD. I loved the classes. I wanted to be there. I’ve always been a fiction writer but now there was so much in my head that I needed to get out, to process, and to share with people, especially people like me dealing with an unimaginable grief. Those past few years had been made even more difficult by the lack of representation I found in grief material. Everything was either about grieving the elderly, not someone who’d barely even gotten to live. Or if it was about someone young it was due to suicide or disease or violence; in other words things that at the very least, left the grieving with some cause to care about, or something to be angry at, some real world outlet. I didn’t have that. I didn’t relate to that. And even harder was finding anything I could relate to that included the complexities that my queer identity put on my grief; there were people I could and couldn’t tell about our relationship. Did I say I lost my best friend or my girlfriend? What if her family didn’t approve and wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t let me have any of her things, wouldn’t want me around? And one of the biggest things I kept thinking those first few months; why had my life become a ‘bury your gays’ soap opera plot line. Was Emma supposed to just be my tragic backstory now? Was I just supposed to use this as angsty fodder for the rest of my life? What about her? What about her dreams, her potential? What about her progress? She’d just gotten to a place where she was accepting herself. Where she was overcoming her mental health issues, where she was proud of who she was. Why was I allowed to keep going and she wasn’t? I couldn’t find any support for these feelings. Not books or groups or forums. So I decided to make them myself. I started writing and drawing, putting together what I called my Grief Scrapbook. I was working towards the thing that mattered to me more than anything; telling our story. I was getting the chance to create the content I’d so desperately needed.

But I was still alone, even at school. I was 23 living with mostly 18/19 year olds. And while there wasn’t anything wrong with them, I was struggling with a strong sense of dissociation. Everywhere I looked I saw Emma, forever 19. And there I was, continuing to age and getting further and further away from her.

My first year at SCAD I made two friends, and while I love them, they didn’t fulfill the hole left by the large close knit groups of friends I’d lost. I tried to get back in touch with my best friend from college, only to find that she was no longer talking to me. And I don’t blame her really. Yes I’d been going through things, but so had she, and I hadn’t been able to be a good friend for her. So if she needed to move on for her own good, no matter how sad that made me, she had every right to do what was best for her, just as I had been trying to do.

I’m now in my second year at SCAD and recently started hanging out with a new group. And they’re great and I’m slowly feeling more confident and secure around them, but I still struggle. I still miss the relationships I held so dear, the relationships I let dissolve. I still worry I’ll never have that kind of connection with people again, and that if I do somehow manage to find it, I’ll mess it up again. Some days are particularly rough, when I sit with my thoughts too long, or see something that reminds me of any one of the many people I miss, and I ache for the happiness I had. And it’s those moments when I turn to hyperfixations (I do promise this is getting to RWBY).

This past February the final How To Train Your Dragon movie came out. The HTTYD franchise holds a very dear place in my heart, as it was my main hyperfixation during high school, and something I shared with Emma and other friends. The second film came out the day of my graduation. It was the last movie Emma and I saw together before she moved to Ohio and then went to school in Oregon. It was the last movie we saw together at all. I knew it was going to be very emotional for me to see the final movie, alone now. But I had to see it opening night. And (spoilers for The Hidden World I guess) the movie ended up being about the reality of having to let go of the important people from your childhood as you grow up. About dealing with the fact that sometimes the people you expected to always be a part of your life, aren’t. I loved the movie, but it destroyed me. A few months later I had to get through May, the 3rd anniversary, away from home for the first time. And it was extremely difficult. I’d had to take a break from HTTYD and process things.

So my main hyperfixations weren’t helping me get through a really difficult time. But around the time HTTYD 3 came out I happened to get back into RWBY. I’d watched the first season or so when it first came out, but then had just kind of forgotten about it. And so, in the absence of HTTYD, I got caught up. And I can’t say there weren’t things that hurt, that made me have to take a moment and collect myself. Watching the end of volume three, watching Pyrrha and Jaune finally kiss, and then watch their relationship die with her before they even had a chance to be together, hit way too close to home. Logically I should have projected on Jaune more than I did but I think I couldn’t, because it wasn’t just similar, it felt like I was literally watching the worst moment of my life play out. He was too much like me to handle. But there was Qrow. And at first I just kind of latched onto him because I liked him. I like his characterization, his design, and I was a fan of V*c ( I hate to even mention him here for fear of causing a totally different discourse, but Emma and I were big fans of his and high school and met him and when everything happened with him it was just another thing that felt like a good memory of Emma had been tainted.)

And so I was watching while the last half of volume six was airing. And I was watching Qrow slip further and further into his depression. I watched as he felt betrayed by Oz after grieving him and then getting him back. I thought more about how he’d basically lost his sister, about how he’d grieved for Summer (regardless of whether it was platonic or romantic), how he lost hope in having strong relationships ever again. How he felt cursed and how he pushed people away to protect them and himself from more pain. I saw how the Apathy affected him and how close he was to giving in before Ruby and Weiss snapped him out of it. I saw him struggle to get himself back together for Ruby and the rest of the kids, but not know how. I saw every single fear I’d struggled with those past few years in him. I related to Qrow more than I’d ever expected to. And so my hyperfixation on RWBY grew. His addiction was my isolation. His insecurities of hurting others and thus pushing them away was my fear that for the rest of my life, I would be alone because I was always going to be too broken to be worthy of friends and love.

And then everything happened with V*c and for a bit everything hurt again and I had to get away from RWBY and the toxicity within parts of the fandom. And when I was able to come back I was excited but worried. I hoped that Qrow would continue to develop, continue to progress alongside me, that I would like his new actor enough to finish healing the sting I’d felt over V*c. I just wanted Qrow back, I wanted this character to be there to help me again.

Because Qrow Branwen gave me hope. He gave me hope that I could get better. He gave me hope that even with my insecurities and trauma, something I’ll never be fully free from, I can deserve people who care about me, and that there are actually people who will care about me. He gave me hope that good things can still happen to broken people. And not just people who were once broken and have healed, but people who are still figuring out how to heal, who know they will never fully heal, but also know they still are worthy of support and care. And then volume 7 started and I got more than I’d ever dreamed.

There was the hug with Ironwood. And even though I shipped Ironqrow, the idea of there being a romantic aspect to that hug wasn’t what made it important. It was the fact that we got Qrow connecting with an old ally (and an adult), finding that he even still had an old ally. That despite everything that had happened with Oz and Lionheart, despite all the trust he’d had broken, maybe he wasn’t actually alone yet. And then we got Clover. I’ll admit I was wary of him at first. I was worried about the traitor theories, the death theories, and then the theories that he’d negatively affect Qrow, making him feel worse about his semblance. But then he grew on me so quickly. Because he smiled at Qrow. He got him to talk about himself, called him out when he was putting himself down, told him how well he was doing. And while it’s wasn’t because of Clover, he was sober, and Clover had to at the very least help him stay that way. Qrow was hunching less when he walked, opening up, being more vulnerable and social. He was smiling, laughing, making jokes. He had a steady partner that he trusted and worked well with, likely for the first time since team STRQ. And yes, I shipped them, but honestly while I would have still been disappointed if it was never canon, given how blatant it really seemed like it could be, it would ultimately have been okay. Because again, it was less about Qrow finding love and more about him finding support. And then I saw Qrow and Clover and Robyn team up, and whether it was canon or just fandom I felt represented. Not just in the way I had with Qrow about my mental health, but as a queer person struggling with complicated grief; the exact thing I had never been able to find and had taken upon myself to create for others. I saw Qrow being loved (again, whether platonic or romantic isn’t as important) and healing. Even if Fairgame never actually happened, I could still see them as queer characters helping each other process trauma. And maybe I set myself up in a bubble part of the fandom that fully convinced me that Fairgame was possible, but at the very least I truly, undoubtedly thought that Clover would side with Qrow.

And as I watched episode 12, I could feel my stomach sinking. Okay Clover didn’t side with Qrow at first, but maybe he’ll come around. Okay maybe he won’t come around, but maybe he’ll take Qrow in and they’ll have time to talk, maybe even with Ironwood. But then Clover abandons the ship, abandons Qrow and I was scrambling even more for hope that things would be okay. Maybe he’s trying to get away to diffuse things. But then “Never pegged you for the manipulative type” the first sign of Qrow doubting their entire relationship, of feeling betrayed again. And then Clover calls Qrow cynical? Maybe I’m forgetting something, cause I haven’t gone back and analyzed every scene with them, but I can’t remember Qrow ever being cynical around Clover this volume that we’ve seen. Self-deprecating yes, but this is legitimately the happiest and most secure we’ve ever seen Qrow. But okay maybe they’ll reason and Clover will come around. But then “We don’t have to fight, friend.” and it’s friend not Qrow. And then “You don’t know my friends. That’s how it always goes.” and I broke. I almost stopped there, a part of me wishes I had. Because it was already so broken, this thing that had even in the past few weeks, been a main pillar of hope for me. But maybe they’ll come together to fight Tyrian. And then Qrow goes after Tyrian and Clover keeps attacking Qrow. Well maybe he’s really trying to protect him, or has some plan. But then they continue to fight each other. And they don’t have even a moment of “who’s the bigger threat here? Us or the serial killer?” And then Qrow works with Tyrian?! Tyrian the serial killer? Tyrian the unstable maniac? Tyrian who tried to take Ruby? Tyrian who nearly killed Qrow? Tyrian who fucking worships Salem, who Qrow has spent most of his life fighting, has lost Summer to, and countless other traumas? (and I get the possible reasons, realizing that Clover won’t lay off of him so Tyrian is his best bet and then he can take care of Tyrian, but I still don’t like it. But this isn’t even about whether or not I think it’s good writing or characterization and it’s too long already to get into that.) And then Tyrian and Qrow fight so well together and I honestly felt sick. We haven’t seen Qrow work that well with anyone. Not RWBY, not Ironwood, not Clover. And now we see it with fucking Tyrian? And maybe it’s a stretch but it honestly felt like another nail in the “Qrow attracts bad” coffin that is his insecurities. Qrow and Tyrian fight nearly perfectly together and it felt so damn wrong. Clover’s wrong here, Qrow’s wrong here, and it all feels so very very wrong based on the entire progression of their relationship throughout the volume. And then Qrow takes down Clover’s aura and I’m just empty. There’s no hint of him trying to just beat Clover and not kill him. He has no reason to think that Tyrian won’t actually go for the kill during this fight. But they continue to have these snippets of “We don’t have to fight” or “I want to trust you” while showing no signs of holding back and still caring about the other’s well being. And then Qrow’s voice breaking during “Why couldn’t you just do the right thing…”. We’ve literally never seen Qrow this emotionally compromised, let alone during a fight. He’s crumbling because he finally had someone who made him think he could get better, that he could have close relationships, that he could be good for the people around him. And now he’s losing it.

I was broken here, I was already spiraling. I knew Clover would get hit. I knew I would be struggling to deal with this episode because I had so fully expected a different course. But I thought there could still be hope. There had to still be hope. CRWBY wouldn’t give us all that development, wouldn’t show Qrow finally happy without leaving some hope for things turning around in the finale. He’d get hit by Tyrian’s stinger and Qrow would have to work to save him and they’d work things out. But then “I trust James with my life… and I wanted to trust you.” And I’m sobbing. Because I get it, Clover’s loyal, but when Qrow’s face hardens I know what he’s thinking. What he’s trying not to think but it’s so hard to fight: “Maybe it is me. Maybe I can’t be trusted. Maybe I’ve ruined things again”. Even though he knows what James is doing is wrong. But he trusted James, he trusted Clover. And he thought they trusted, cared for him. And now they’ve both turned against him and no matter how much he knows he’s doing the right thing, he can’t help but worry that he’s still the thing broken here, that he still messed up somewhere and ruined the relationships he needed so much. I was breaking more and more as I watched this source of my own hope lose all hope.

And then Harbinger. The weapon Qrow built himself. That he modeled after his hero. The literal extension of his soul. And only moments before, Qrow destroyed the one thing that might have protected Clover. Clover’s emblem falls. Tyrian with “Like you killed Clover”. And yeah yeah Qrow being framed is heartbreaking. But it’s more that he’ll believe it. He did. He fucked everything up again. He tried so hard to do the right thing and still managed to hurt the person he cared about. And if Clover, the foil to his bad luck, could be destroyed by his semblance, how does anyone else stand a chance? And then blaming James. Swearing to make him pay (I honestly don’t remember if he says make him pay or kill him but I physically can’t rewatch that scene to see which it was). And yes he blames James. He hates James. It was the last straw breaking on someone he wanted to trust so much, wanted to have as a friend. But he still blames himself. He still knows he’s cursed and all the progress he’d made with Clover’s help is ripped away.

And then “Good luck”. I’ve seen people saying it’s sweet, that it’s a moment of reconciliation, of Clover showing he still cares. And I don’t necessarily disagree. But I hate it. Because Qrow won’t take it that way. It’s just another reminder that good luck is out of his reach. And then the goddamn sky and the bi flag colors. And then we see Qrow cry for the first time. And then…. The scream…. I literally nearly vomited and that was the thing that sent me over the edge into full blown panic attack. Because I know that fucking scream. I know how it feels. I hear it ringing in my ears, I feel my throat getting raw. I could hear and see and feel myself in the same position. The nightmare I’d fought off for years; kneeling over Emma’s body and there being nothing I can do but scream and scream as the last of the hope I was clutching to faded with her… with Clover’s eyes.

It wasn’t that Clover died. It wasn’t that my ship won’t happen. It was how traumatizing it was. It was that Harbinger was now defiled. It was that Qrow set it up to happen. It was the sky. It was seeing the light go out of Clover’s eyes. It was Qrow’s scream. We’ve never seen a death like this on RWBY before. Yes we watched Pyrrha’s death. But there was no blood. We didn’t see her bleed out. We didn’t see the exact moment the light left her eyes. We saw Adam stabbed and some bleeding and then hitting the rocks, but we weren’t right there, seeing the exact moment of his death close up. If Clover had been stung by Tyrian and died I’d be upset still, and many of the issues I have would still be relevant. But using Harbinger like that, playing directly into Qrow’s own insecurities like that, after having him do things that felt extremely out of character in order to set things up for Tyrian to kill Clover like that and blame Qrow? It felt vile.

It didn’t just feel like bad writing or different narrative choices. Hell, it didn’t even just feel OOC. It felt malicious. It felt like twisting established plot and characterisation completely in order to make it fit some tragic climax that was only chosen because it would have the biggest emotional impact, not because it was the best way to continue the plot. And they can’t say that they didn’t expect people to be so attached to Clover. Because if they didn’t expect that to be so emotional for viewers, then why do it like that in the first place? Why put in the climatic cinematic shot that mirrors when Yang lost her arm? Why have Qrow screaming over Clover’s body be the final shot? If Clover was never meant to have significance to both Qrow and fans, why make his death so painful? They can’t say that they didn’t know fans would get so invested at the same time that they say that it was necessary to make it that traumatic. It’s not that you can’t kill off beloved characters, no matter how long they’ve been in the show. But if you do, it’s got to feel important, it’s got to feel necessary, and it’s got to make sense for those characters, or else it just feels like you’re playing with peoples’ emotions for no reason other than shock factor.

I’ve seen a bunch of theories and discourse. Arguments over whether or not it’s queerbaiting or bury your gays. Over whether or not it’s bad writing or out of character. And I’m sure I’ll eventually have a stronger, more thought out opinion on that, but right now I can’t even get there.

I’ve seen theories as to why CRWBY did this, why it’s important to the plot. And maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’ll be just as surprised in a good way next week as I was in a traumatic way this week. But it will take a lot, and I will still need time to recover and dig myself back out of my own intrusive thoughts that saw this episode and rejoiced because “See!? See, good things can’t happen! You’ll always lose whatever good you find. You’ll always ruin whatever good you find.” And none of the theories I’ve seen make that better. Maybe they’ll bring Clover back with the Staff of Creation or some other method: doesn’t matter, the damage is still done. Qrow still is betrayed and traumatized. And even if Clover came back and Ironwood realized he was wrong and stopped, even if everything went back to exactly what it was, Qrow still would have lost all the progress he made this season. Because even if everything was fixed, Qrow would still have to fight down the newly boosted fear that everything will fall apart again. And similarly even if I come back to RWBY and things are good, I will still have a hard time trusting the show, and will still have to climb my way out of a hole I had just gotten out of, except this time I won’t have the comfort of RWBY to help me.

Or maybe Clover won’t come back and Qrow will relapse and try to kill Ironwood and lose his mind like the scarecrow he is. And what will that do but reinforce the fear and idea that “broken” people can’t escape their vices? That they’ll always come back to pain. Yes, it’s important to show that people can relapse and still get better, that relapse doesn’t mean all hope is lost. But there’s a difference between a relapse and new trauma that directly undercuts all the progress you’ve made. That’s not inspirational, it’s exhausting. Yes, you can come back again, but what about the next time and the next and the next? When will you just get to be secure in your happiness without worrying that at any moment you’ll thrown back to square one?

If it turns out there’s some great plot point this creates, some big revelation that fixes things, I still think it wasn’t done properly. Fine, have that, have that pain. But don’t end on that and leave people for a week. It’s not about it being a cliffhanger. It’s about people who are traumatized being abandoned. (Again, I’m not even getting into how, if this did happen, how episode 12 would still feel off from a characterization standpoint and whether or not it was poor writing. It’s an analysis I can’t currently do.)

And maybe my least favorite theory and the one that I might see as most likely; that Qrow won’t relapse. That he won’t completely lose it and instead Clover’s death and influence will be what keeps him going. Because yeah, that sounds great, that sounds heroic and strong and like the progress that came from knowing Clover did make a difference. But it feels wrong in this instance. Qrow’s had that. He’s had loss that hurt him but he kept going to finish something or honor them. He kept going after Summer died. He kept going for Ruby and Yang and Tai. If he didn’t have that, why would he have kept going when things were so bad? But Qrow doesn’t need that again. He doesn’t need another pain to spur him on. He needs support. He needs proof that his hard work, his struggle, has been worth it and that he still has allies. And not just the kids. Because as much as he respects them, as much as he believes in them and their abilities as hunters, he’s still protective of them, they still aren’t on an equal level. He still feels responsible for them. And that’s good for him, but he needs adults too. He needs people who aren’t his responsibility. He needs adults who can call him out on his shit. He needs adults he can lean on, who can take care of him. And now who does he have? Summer is gone. Raven is gone. Tai is back at home. Oz is gone. Lionheart betrayed him. James has now betrayed him. Winter has sided with James and might not be alive much longer? Robyn is there, but also hurt, and we haven’t seen anything to suggest that they are particularly close. And now Clover is dead. Clover, the only person we have ever seen Qrow let his guard down around like we did this season.

And it’s not that the “Staying alive for the person you’ve lost” is a bad plot line, and if I’d trust any show to do it I would’ve thought it’d be RWBY. But I can tell you from fucking experience, forcing yourself to keep going in honor of someone? Yeah, it might keep you alive. It might give you meaning and even lead you to do great things. But when it’s just you and your head? When you’re alone because you’ve lost everyone who kept you going and now you have to keep going without them, for them? It fucking sucks. It’s not poetic. It’s not this heroic strength that lifts you up. It’s a crushing weight of fear that you will fail again, that you’re the only one who can carry this burden, but this time you’ll let down the person most important to you. And then not only will you have fucked up your life but you’d have made their suffering and loss meaningless.

And I can see why CRWBY might take this route, what their message might be, and maybe for them and for some people it’s good, but personally it’s crushing. Because it can be a good thing to have the desire to honor someone spur you on, that’s literally why we still have RWBY. But if that’s the only thing you have? It’s toxic. You have to have other support and motivations of your own to keep you going without becoming hollow inside. And right now, Qrow doesn’t have that. Right now, if Qrow uses this to push him forward, it’s not recovery, it’s not avoiding a relapse; it’s falling into a new, much harder to spot, addiction.

Yes, shitty things happen regardless of whether or not you’ve recovered from previous shitty things. Yes, life isn’t fair and sometimes it feels like you just get hit down over and over. And yes, people die in war and it’s ruthless and unfair. But RWBY is still a show. It’s still a show about hope. It’s still fiction, an escape from the cruelty of reality. And to me there were multiple other options for the plot to create conflict and sacrifice without doing it in a way that seems so needlessly cruel.

This is complicated and layered and I think there have been mistakes made on multiple sides, and in the end, we still don’t know what CRWBY has planned and how things will go from here and why they chose this. Because everything has a meaning in RWBY. At least I want to believe that. But right now it’s very hard to think that all the meaning that was what made this my favorite volume, was anything more than a trap to make the end that much more painful. And that hurts. I want to believe that’s not the case. But it’s very, very hard. And like I said before, even if they pull it off amazingly and everything makes sense after next week, damage has still been done. No matter what happens, there were ways things could have been handled either throughout the volume or in this episode that, while still having emotional significance and sacrifice, could have been less traumatizing to a large portion of the fandom who supports CRWBY specifically because they trust them not to do something like that to them.

In the end I’m hurt because right now it feels like the entirety of this volume was just a build up for the shock value of tearing Qrow down again. And I’m just tired of it. I’m biased I know, and maybe for some people it’s an important narrative. But to me it just feels like angst just for the sake of being cruel to a character who can’t catch a break. Since Emma’s death I understandably haven’t been a big fan of really angsty fanfiction. At first seeing fics where a character lost their partner made me irrationally angry. Because why can’t good things happen in fictional worlds? Why do characters I care about have to suffer like I do just for the sake of being angsty? Why would someone do that to a character they love? Why inflict that absolute agony onto a character when you could just, let them be happy? Yes conflict and sacrifice are crucial to good storytelling, but you still have to leave a character some hope, or else what’s the point of just watching them linger in misery? This kind of pain isn’t just a plot point that gets addressed for one or two episodes and then is fully dealt with. It’s a part of who you are now and will be for the rest of your life.

I’ve been sad over shows before. I’ve thought plot lines were bad and like I’d lost a character that deserved better. But I’ve never had something take me from a (relatively) stable mindset to a truly frightening spiral like I’ve been in this week. If this had happened when I was younger (granted if it had happened before Emma’s death it wouldn’t have had the same meaning), if it had been during that first year? It really might have been a breaking point for me. The final straw. The only reason I’m able to know that as truly devastating as this has been for me this week, I’m not in actual danger of getting to a critically low space, is because I’ve learned how to deal with those low places these past four years. I’m still in a dangerous headspace but I know how to handle it. I know to reach out, to vent, to ask friends to keep an eye on me, to keep an eye out for critical signs that I’m getting worse and I need more professional help. But if I’d had this trauma as a teen and saw this, or if I’d seen it before I’d built up this method of keeping myself safe even when in the worst headspaces? I don’t know that I would have been able to deal with it.

There’s a loud part of my head that is berating me for letting this affect me so much. For letting a show and fictional characters be the catalyst for me having to actively ask my friends to keep sharp instruments away from me for the first time in years. I’ll have a moment of clarity of “It’s not that bad, you’ll get past it” before being swallowed back up by the hopelessness. I have moments of “How could you let a fictional character’s death put you in this place, but not Emma? How is he more important?”

But it’s not about RWBY or Clover or Qrow. It’s about my brain, and how I as a neurodivergent person deal with things. It’s about this how thing that I use to filter parts of my life through so that I can handle them in more reasonable chunks, is now a trigger itself. I currently don’t have any other hyperfixations, which means every time I have a moment of silence, or start to get feeling down again, my brain goes to RWBY, because usually that’s how I pull myself out. But that just reminds me of the loss RWBY currently represents. Not just the trauma this has brought up, but the fact that I’ve lost this source of comfort. And then I’m left scrambling for anything as I spiral further and further. I’m at the point where unless I am having constant outside stimulus to keep my brain occupied I go right back into a nosedive. And there’s nothing I can do on my own to stop it. So I just have to ride it out, fight back dozens of overwhelming intrusive thoughts, and try to think that I won’t always be this miserable, even though the current thing that was helping me believe that has just shown me the opposite is true.

And no, creators can’t be held responsible for the mental states of fans of their work. But when things are done that directly hurt so many people, that even if not intended to, feel so calculated and malicious, they have to acknowledge the part they played in that trauma.

The point of whether there was queer baiting/byg, and mlm representation and how its handled, is very important, but it is also something I just can’t even begin to look at right now from an analytical viewpoint. I can’t begin to come at this from an activist place right now. And I know there are plenty of other people who can speak on it better than I could currently. My queer identity is largely wrapped up in my grief and how it affects me, but that also means that when I’m spiraling, it is very hard to focus and make good points about things that are not issues I’ve directly experienced. The only reason I can write this at all is because these are really just emotions I’ve dealt with for years that were dragged back up.

RWBY has always been about finding hope when it feels impossible. But this feels like it’s becoming “keep finding new hope but know you’ll lose it too and have to start over”.

RWBY has been what gave me hope that even when bad thing after bad thing happened, there was a reason to keep going, that eventually something good would come your way and you don’t have to live in fear of losing it. That you can still be broken and be worthy of good things. But this episode ripped that all away and told me that sometimes a person is never meant to be happy no matter how hard they try.

A big reason I have clung to RWBY so much, and admired CRWBY so much, and in turn been so forgiving of plotlines or details that I maybe wasn’t the biggest fan of, was because I see myself in them. They lost Monty so suddenly and tragically and I understand that as much as anyone who isn’t them can. I understand the drive of keeping the show going. When I’m working on my own writing and art about my story and my loss, they are a huge inspiration to me to keep going even when it feels impossible. I can barely listen to Indomitable because, much like Jaune losing Pyrrha, it is uncanny how close to home it hits. They have been through more than we as fans can or should ever expect to know. Because even as someone very open about their grief, who wants to get rid of the stigma of expressing grief, I know that everyone deserves to keep as much of their grief and pain private as they need. And I can't even begin to imagine how hard it is to work on a show that is literally a feat of love and honor to a person you’ve lost, and then have people attack it and you, and make huge accusations, even try to use your loved one’s memory against you. It’s my biggest fear in creating something so incredibly personal but so important.

And I know that everyone handles grief differently, and no matter how many people you have to support you it can be an extremely isolating thing. I know that no one has the right to tell someone else they are grieving wrong, and I would never dare do that to them. Because I know that the ways I grieve and the things that piss me off about grief and people’s reactions to it, will not line up with everyone else’s, and that’s okay. So the exact things that hurt me so much may be the things that CRWBY find cathartic.

But I still think it’s important to talk about something that hurts you. To help people understand a facet of grief that might not be what they’ve experienced. Because even people who want to help, who want to provide representation to those hurting, can never please everyone, and even can even hurt people. I want to trust CRWBY. I want to believe they care about the queer community (even if they don’t always succeed in providing good representation), I want to believe they wouldn’t purposefully try to hurt queer fans with queerbaiting or byg. I want to believe they don’t actually hate mlm.

Narrative is complicated and sometimes things are done that will unknowingly cause harm, or that were topics that the writers didn’t understand enough to properly execute. Things that may seem so obvious to the people who were hurt could truly be things that hadn’t occurred to the writers. And that’s not to excuse those writers from acknowledging their mistake, but to give them a chance to learn and improve. I think a great example is The Adventure Zone (slight spoilers ahead), and how Griffin McElroy handled the fans’ reaction after Sloane and Hurley died in Petals to the Metal. He hadn’t wanted to hurt anyone but he made a decision that was very upsetting for many people and that wasn’t okay. But he listened and apologized and from there on not only tried to provide better representation, but asked about how he could do so, consulted the people he was trying to represent in order to do everything he could to not cause that kind of pain again. Creators are human and deserve second chances, as long as they show they are actively trying to improve.

Things will be learning experiences, but the people who are hurt in those learning experiences, and who are often the ones hurt in such things over and over, are still allowed to be hurt and upset. Intent is not effect. And for creators who want to be inclusive and supportive, it is their responsibility to accept criticism and work to avoid making the same mistakes. Like I said at the start of this, criticism is not harassment and harassment helps no one. Be as angry as you are, be as open as you need, but cruelty to people who are honestly trying to do good but will still make human mistakes just creates more pain and conflict. You don’t have to like it or forgive it but you can’t invalidate the people who are hurt, who do.

I love RWBY. I want to love CRWBY. I want to keep watching. I want to keep supporting and trusting them. And maybe I’m letting a show have too much influence over me. Maybe it’s unhealthy to project so much on a character. Maybe things will prove to be necessary to tell the story they want to tell. But speaking as a neurodivergent, traumatized, grieving, queer person, I still feel betrayed and hurt by something that I trusted enough to be vulnerable about and I don’t want to sugarcoat or hide that.

I can’t say I hate CRWBY or I’ve lost all hope in or respect for them, because I’ve related to them so much and know how complicated things like this can be. And because I don’t think I personally can write someone off while still in such an emotionally raw space. I’ll have to take some time to see if I’m able to watch the finale this weekend, but I will most likely watch it, if not just a bit later than I usually would. And RWBY has thrown big surprises at us before, and I can’t know what will happen in the finale and how it will feed into or try to heal some of the pain we’re feeling. But regardless of what the narrative intent is in Clover’s death, it needs to be acknowledged that episode 12 alone, ending on such an intense scene that wouldn’t be resolved for at least a week, hurt people. And CRWBY needs to acknowledge and take responsibility for it. I can’t say that I’m the most up to date on social media and what each person involved with volume 7 has said in the past few months. But I know that numerous official twitter accounts posted things that led people to put more credibility in Fairgame, myself included. And that even after seeing how big the ship had gotten, and knowing what the outcome was, some of CRWBY continued to seemingly feed into the excitement, even teasing about how hard episode 12 would hit us.

That’s honestly one of the reasons I think this feels not just like bad writing or something, but betrayal. Of course RT can’t control everything everyone involved with RWBY posts, but for a company that has tried to seem so supportive of lgbt and mentally ill fans, they should have, at the very least, not have fed the flame and given people hope and supposed credibility that they knew would crumble after this episode. It feels like, even if they hadn’t intended this entire plot point to come across the way it has, they saw us going down this path and egged us on for added shock factor.

And even if somehow the finale fixes everything, it doesn’t undo that hurt. It makes me think of the trailers for Insatiable when it first came out. How toxic and fat shaming they seemed and how people reacted poorly to it, but then all the people involved responded with how positive the show was, and that people shouldn’t judge it before they saw it. Or those “joke” videos or posts of kids coming out and the parents getting angry but then it’s about some stupid other thing. It’s meant to trigger a very sensitive issue, that people who have gone through traumas related to those issues are all too familiar with seeing over and over. So why would they have faith that this wasn’t just another one of those times when everything they see points to the opposite? Why trigger people who have already been hurt, for the sake of shock factor? It’s poor and callous writing.

And that’s what this feels like. It feels like we were exploited in order to make this hurt more. And maybe that was a very unfortunate accident. But CRWBY still needs to acknowledge that they made mistakes, and do what they can to prove to the fans that they still deserve our trust. And that’s not going to be an easy one and done thing. For some it may never be enough, and that is completely valid.

Of course everyone has different histories and issues that can lead them to be drawn to a certain show or character. And creators can’t ever know for sure that they won’t bring up painful things for any of their fans, and often trying to do so can make the content and message suffer. But even though everyone might not have a story that is as “obviously” traumatic as mine, might not have things they so directly relate to in Qrow and in Clover’s death, they’re all still valid in the pain they’re feeling. One of my least favorite things about living with grief is people thinking that their traumas and struggles aren’t as big or important as my own.

This week I’ve told people how hard a time I’m having, and why. And the people who know my backstory understood. The people who didn’t know though, brushed it off as crazy fangirl, tumblr discourse drivel. Even to my face after I told them how much I was hurting, they would groan about people getting so obsessed with fictional characters. You shouldn’t have to know why something negatively affects someone the way it does in order to respect the fact that it does. And I’m not more valid in my pain than people with “smaller” reasons. The fact is that a lot of people are hurting. A lot of queer and mentally ill people are reliving trauma. And like me, many of these people trusted CRWBY to be supportive, to be a comfort in a world where it’s hard to find sometimes. And that makes it hurt all the more.

I wasn’t in the fandom when Monty died, so I don’t know a lot about how CRWBY handled it, what they said publicly, what inevitable fandom discourse there was about how to navigate things. The only reason I bring him up at all, (because I’ve seen people mention him in discourse posts before and it’s usually hurtful and out of line and I truly hate it) is because he, and how CRWBY continues to honor him by keeping his creation going, is a huge part of why I feel so attached to it. My creative focus is on talking about Emma, about honoring her, telling her story, about sharing my grief with people. And while it’s extremely important to me, it’s also terrifying to think about people one day saying I let her down, or that because I made certain decisions I ruined the work or anything like that. And whether or not I am currently happy with every member of CRWBY doesn’t affect the fact that I will always keep in mind that RWBY is something directly tied to someone they’ve lost and it can be extremely difficult to have that kind of work criticized and not get defensive or angry (that’s not to say we can’t criticize things that are made in honor of someone, but that we need to remember there are still people dealing with grief on the other end of what we say). They’ll react poorly to certain things, they’ll say the wrong things, they’ll but heads with opinionated fans. And that’s not to excuse them for that, or to say we shouldn’t hold them accountable and communicate our problems with them and expect them to learn from past mistakes. But they aren’t faceless monsters in some big corporation who just make this for the money. They have real emotional investment in their work and I honestly believe they are well intentioned and want to support lgbt and mentally ill fans. But good intentions don’t ensure there won’t be negative impact, and if they truly want to keep, or regain fans’ trust and support they need to show they understand that.

It may be naive and there may be things I don’t know that might have changed my view but until now, even with some writing choices I didn’t love, I've really liked CRWBY and trusted them. I personally can’t say I hate them and write them off right now. I understand if you can, if this was the last straw or just proving your view, and that’s all valid. But I want to, as much as possible, believe that they’re well intentioned. RWBY is far from perfect. CRWBY is far from perfect. But that’s ok. As long as there’s effort to improve and acknowledge mistakes and try to make amends

It’s possible that things I’ve said here may anger some people, and unfortunately, as much as I tried to avoid it, may hurt CRWBY. Because as hurt and angry with them as I might be right now, I don’t want to hate them or hurt them. I’m human as well, and I’m very passionate about this and have a very personal attachment to it. So I acknowledge that it is totally possible that I have said something here that I could have handled better. If so, please, let me know. Constructively. If you need to, privately. Don’t attack me for it. I know when a conversation is toxic to me and I will not put myself in that position and will block people. But I want to be open to criticism, just as I want CRWBY to be. I want to know what I did wrong and how I can work to do better in the future. There are also certain things that I firmly believe that I know not everyone will like. And that’s okay. I have my own ways of dealing with grief and pain that will inevitably conflict with others. In those cases, while I won’t apologize for being honest about how I feel, I will understand and listen to how I may have hurt you. Different opinions and ways of coping will always be a part of grief conversations and it is less about making others agree with you and more about giving people a place to express their pain.

This is ridiculously, stupidly, long and honestly I’m not sure there’s a clear point and if you read through it all the way, you’re a saint. But I just needed to get this out, and I hope that maybe, somehow, through the ranting, it might help someone feel less alone in their pain, or feel validated. I started writing this on Sunday and wanted to post it before the finale. It’s now Friday and who knows if there’s really any point to posting it now, but still.

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. I don’t know how I will handle it. I’ve seen discourse that made me anxious all over again all week. I’ve seen jokes or edits or trolls that made me sick. But there are people out here for you. There are people to talk to who will just listen. You aren’t alone. And while I can’t promise you that everything will be okay, I can promise you that there will be people here to help you get through it. There are ways to get through it. They’re not always fun or ideal, but they’re there. And eventually you’ll be able to feel okay again. The pain might not be gone for good, but you’ll have good moments again. You’ll learn how to create good moments. I still want to believe that “broken” people can be happy again, even though the world may try to show me otherwise over and over. It’s not easy, and sometimes I honestly just don’t see how it can possibly be true. But I keep trying to get back to those good places and appreciate them, for as long as I can.

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