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it will never cease to agitate me how something so simple is something which is simultaneously so complex & overall confusing if you don’t have a reliable source for it. saying this because once i inevitably get my drivers license i will be more than happy to drive people places, even if said people are those i don’t know of well and even if its late. not because i believe they owe me anything, nor is it an action out of ‘the kindness of my heart’ but genuinely just because its something they deserve & everyone deserves on the most basic level, easy access to places they need to get to, and the fact some people have to go through loopholes & loopholes just to exist in a certain places is incredibly infuriating.
#i could go on and on about this. seriously#in all sincerity even if said person i was driving hated my guts i’d be okay with it as long as they weren’t trying to wreck my car yknow#even if they dislike me & hate me or want me gone or something they still deserve a ride cause its like. its a RIDE dude.#you need to be able to commute to like get your groceries or some shit and not have to take a bus thats super expensive all the time#even if you dislike my existence or personality or like. genuinely whatever im not gonna be petty#and once again this isnt a weird like ‘augh im better im a kind person’ shtick. im dumb sometimes & incredibly bad at social cues#& other things im sure; im not a god or saint or whatever just cause i can drive & you cant. you just need a ride dude#and once again im more than happy to oblige because id much rather you get to the place you need to be safe & sound even if you hate my guts#than for you to take some unstable like shitty ride and feel unsafe. thats never what i want for anyone ever; genuinely ever#okay tangent over#cybers tangents
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Last November (M)
title: last november (m) post date: december 14th, 2020, 8pm est ⤷ revamped/extended: march 27th, 2021, 10pm est pairing: seokjin x reader(f) genre: angst, smut, exes to lovers au summary: you two broke up on good terms. even seeing each other on your friends’ yearly end-of-november trip was never awkward. so why did this trip feel so different? and why does it feel like the end of something that wasn’t even there in the first place? warnings: angst, bad puns and jokes, mutual pining, light dom/sub undertones, oral sex (m/f receiving), nipple play, hair-pulling, choking, rough sex, unprotected sex (pls be responsible!), dirty talk, spanking, creampie, seokjin is a consent king, did i say angst?, did i also say bad puns and jokes? mobile users: alt link if this doesn’t open in tumblr ➛ AO3 word count: 23.7k 24.7k !!
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On the last Friday of every November, your group of friends piled into two cars and set off into the mountains.
Ever since you all graduated from high school years ago, everyone branched off into their individual, intricate walks of life. Different towns, different jobs, different social circles.
But before those grand adventures started, each of you promised one thing: a yearly trip to keep the friendship alive.
This time around, you happened to be in the “decidedly more fun” car as Jimin, Taehyung, and your longtime friend Rin jammed the backseat with singing and road trip games. Since Seokjin took driver, you claimed navigator, leaving the front of the vehicle a bit muted compared to the other half. Which was fine - you always loved relaxing on the sidelines while your friends played with chaos and hilarity.
Namjoon kept you company from time to time, too, so you weren’t completely alone in your preferred space.
The only thing that could’ve made the ride awkward was if you and Seokjin were on bad terms.
It wasn’t every day you found yourself sitting beside your ex, after all.
But that simple fact didn’t phase you. The truth was that your breakup was clean and painless - a massive relief to your friends. Back then, it would have torn everyone to pieces picking sides.
The split was so organic that you couldn’t recall an awful reason why it happened. Separation proved as natural as the changing of seasons: you had moved away for university and he powered through his own medical pursuits. Over time, the relationship simmered to a text every few days, resulting in the night in which you decided that it was better to remain friends.
What sucked was the fact that, over the course of time after the breakup, you fell for Seokjin. Annoying, charming, incredible Seokjin.
You didn’t come to terms with it until last November, when you watched his eyes sparkle under an indigo ocean of stars and it just clicked. Agony carved into your heart some nights when you thought about nothing else, but you couldn’t admit your feelings. Not when you two decided that your river had run its course. You couldn’t risk smothering the last embers of your relationship, so radio silence remained your lonely swan song.
Of course you wanted to admit it. You wanted to tell him. Because no matter who came after, they all fell short. Every smile flashed your way, every pair of arms wrapped around your torso, every night spent between the sheets. Nothing compared to what you got from Jin. That man created a hole in your heart that lingered in his wake, a hole through which all of your subsequent relationships plummeted.
The truth was simple: you didn’t want to ruin what you had. Even if what you two would always be was just friends, that endgame was enough for you.
At least, that’s what you told yourself. Every night when you couldn’t sleep, and every morning when you woke up to an empty bed.
Your vision snapped into focus as your phone screen bloomed. The maps app signaled for a turn, so you relayed the direction to Seokjin, who repeated the direction out loud before following through.
Just like always.
The road in front of you melted into a different scene entirely as you recalled why he started that habit. It sprouted from one of your car rides to a diner situated on the other side of your hometown.
During the drive, you did your best as navigator, but your boyfriend was so into the music playing that he missed some turns. One errant right later had you both terribly lost, the surrounding area swallowing the car in darkness. On instinct, you dove into defense mode, trying and failing not to outright panic.
“My maps won’t load,” you stuttered, hitting the screen with your finger, “Shit, shit, shit.”
“Don’t worry, I can just—”
“Don’t tell me not to worry,” you bit out. “Let’s just get out of here.” You hated how pure paranoia pricked at the corners of your eyes. Getting lost was completely irksome and going back home was more appealing to you than moving forward with the date.
“Okay. I won’t,” Seokjin assured you, turning the wheel and rolling the car out from the shadowy street. “How can I help instead?”
“Oh, umm.” With grateful eyes, you stared at your boyfriend and admired his consideration. You’ve never been asked that while upset before. “You could, uh, repeat the directions before following them? That might help.”
His lips curved into a smile, and streetlights flooded the car to bathe his sincerity in a warm glow. “Repeat directions, you got it.”
The memory faded as you blinked and observed the endless mountain range enveloping the road. Snow topped the summits in white caps; coniferous trees swallowed the steep slopes. As if reminiscence clogged your ears, the music in the car seemed louder outside your broken reverie.
Taehyung, as always, took charge of the aux. He usually had an eclectic mix of tunes on rotation but, that time, nothing but upbeat Christmas music was queued. You had to admit: merry music coating the car windows and mountainous scenery claiming your entire vision put you in the best mood.
It was even better when Seokjin sang along. You really did like his singing voice.
“I like my singing voice, too.”
Your eyes snapped toward the driver, expression freezing over as you drank in his delight. Did you really say that out loud? You knew Seokjin enough to know that he was never going to let that go.
“Yeah, well…” You lazily swatted his grin away. “Don’t flatter yourself.”
Seokjin chuckled, his hands comfortably resting on the wheel. “Are you offering to do that for me? It’s minimum wage, but I’d hire you.”
Rolling your eyes felt like the only appropriate response, so you did exactly that, your exasperated gaze looping around to land on your phone. “Relish this moment, Seokjin,” you advised, zooming out in the maps app to make sure you were still heading in the right direction, “Because it won’t happen again. And take the next exit. We’re almost there.”
“Yes, yes, next exit.” You missed the smirk on his face as he scanned the roadside for the telltale sign. “Moment relished,” he quipped, “But I prefer my moments with ketchup and mustard.”
Your groan drowned in his boisterous laughter, but the hand on your face betrayed you since it couldn’t quite cover up the glee that formed right after.
An hour later, everyone had unloaded the vehicles at the campgrounds and pitched the tents. While Hoseok and Jungkook worked on starting the fire pit, Namjoon and Jimin took their time organizing the food and snacks. Rin had disappeared with Taehyung somewhere, but Yoongi said he spotted them taking pictures a ways off.
“They should be helping,” he muttered. “There’s a lot to do before it gets dark out.”
Squatting down to rotate sizzling meat on your portable grill, you waved him off. “They’re shot-swapping since it’s golden hour.”
The silence that followed gave you pause. When you looked up in curiosity, Seokjin and Yoongi regarded you like a foreign language coated your tongue, their struggle to decipher it earning a chuckle of pity.
“They’re both huge influencers, so they know how to take pictures. They always do this when we get together,” you explained, spinning the kebab onto another side, “And golden hour is around sunrise and sunset. It looks like everything is soaked in gold, and it makes your pictures look pretty. But that’s an old term already! You geezers should keep up.”
Yoongi simply raised an eyebrow and kneeled to turn his designated stick. Smoke from the charred meat wafted into your noses as he declined, “I’ll pass. That sounds stressful.”
A rapid clapping of tongs next to your ear preceded Seokjin’s offer, “What are we waiting for? Let’s golden hour swap!”
Why did he have to be so endearing? A cough escaped your throat, disjointed laughs following right after in their awkward escape. Beside you, Yoongi flung condescension Jin’s way, his voice stocked with disappointment as he warned, “Don’t speak. You age yourself.”
You transferred your kebabs to a foiled plate before standing, blood rushing to your lower legs. Seokjin was unleashing a hearty tirade at the other man grilling when you intervened, “That sounds nice, actually. I’m in a photography class so I was planning on taking some photos anyways. Lemme just get my camera.”
As you walked away, you couldn’t escape the abrupt change in atmosphere hovering over the grills, its looming tension caressing the back of your coat in a slight push. The words exchanged were soft in volume, but their possible meanings stayed clanging in your ears.
“Did you tell her yet?”
“No.”
“Do it. She deserves to know.”
You slipped out of your tent with a heavy jacket and lightheadedness. Medicine would’ve helped with the latter, but the med kit Seokjin packed remained strictly for emergencies. Besides, you couldn’t quite slap a bandage on what was truly bothering you anyways.
As you inspected your class-registered Polaroid, you continued to wonder what Yoongi meant earlier.
What was he implying? You deserved to know what? You couldn’t say the feeling swirling around your gut was a positive one. After all, there was a distinct difference in what a person should know, and what a person deserved to know. What was so important that Yoongi practically ordered Seokjin to spill?
Was there another person in his life now? That was one thing that crossed your mind, but you filed that under the “should know” category, even though it twisted your stomach to think about.
The news had to be something urgent.
Was Seokjin getting married?
Without your permission, vessels in your heart shriveled, squeezing life from your already battered soul. A betrothal was entirely possible with his pursuit of a medical degree and coming from a well-to-do family. Maybe he was in an arrangement?
That possibility dropped an anvil on your chest. You couldn’t say that you were completely fine were that the truth. How could you be fine with something like that if you loved him? Of course, you would be happy if he was, but your heart would require recuperation for an extended amount of time. Give or take a few years.
You wandered so far into the depths of your mind that Seokjin’s sudden appearance kicked you back to shore, a yelp leaving your mouth at the same time your Polaroid left your hands. If the camera wasn’t hanging from your neck, you would’ve been in deep shit with your professor as soon as it hit the cold soil.
Its bulky frame definitely bruised your lower chest on the downswing, though. “Ow. Geez, Jinnie, you can’t just sneak up on people like that.”
Your eyes widened in realization. Jinnie? Shit, you hadn’t called him that since you guys were dating. Quite obviously, the stockpile of thoughts and worries involving his secret were blocking your brain from better judgment.
And apparently you weren’t the only one affected by that nickname because Seokjin’s eyebrows shot into his dark locks, his peculiar glance shifting away. Odd.
After an awkward second, he cleared his throat. “Does it hurt?”
Is it supposed to? You knew he was inquiring about your injury but your thoughts drifted to what hadn’t been divulged yet. “No, it’s fine,” you lied. “Let’s pick a spot before we lose the light.”
You don’t remember how long you walked, but the pair of you ended up far from the original campsite.
In your defense, it wasn’t like you planned that outcome. The trees matched at every turn, so you kept wandering until you found a good clearing - or at least some rocks to break the forested monotony.
A foil to your pickiness, Seokjin voiced his thoughts every ten paces, his votes of confidence constantly crushed by your boots. If you had a cent for every time he declared a spot “the one,” you could actually afford the Polaroid dangling from your neck.
It was at a calm clearing with some patches from last snowfall where you decided to settle.
Unhooking the strap from your neck, you ushered, “Let’s do this quick. It’s almost over.”
“I wanna do it first!” You thought Seokjin meant to take the camera from you, but instead he scuttled into the clearing, striking a pose once he reached its center. Of course the fool meant that he wanted his pictures taken and not the other way around. How was any other idea plausible? “Hurry up, you said!”
“The ‘S’ in Seokjin stands for ‘Selfish,’” you yelled, positioning the Polaroid against your eye regardless. His face enlarged in the lens and, to his credit, you couldn’t argue that he was the clear model between you two. The man could pursue a career in fashion instead of medicine and you wouldn’t bat an eye.
He looked handsome merely standing there, cheeks dimpling at nothing in particular and his charm ever effortless. Even the slight bags under his eyes didn’t take away from his natural beauty.
Par for the course with Seokjin. That unbothered self-assurance was one of the traits you liked and hated about him.
At least, initially. The more you got to know him, your outlook on that defining characteristic was one of admiration, not hatred. You simply needed to start shoving some of that confidence down your own throat like a different type of vitamin C.
After a telltale camera snap, the man threw out his coated arms in another pose. “And the ‘Seok’ stands for ‘Seok in my presence!’”
“I think I’ve been in it long enough. My fingers are pruny,” you droned while lowering your Polaroid, ignoring his wiggling in the background. It seemed you were still accustomed to his ridiculousness.
Yet another thing you gave him credit for: he was never afraid to be a dork. When you first met him, you admittedly thought he was faking it. Over time, you recognized his authenticity, and you grew fond of everything wrapped in the gift that was Kim Seokjin.
You waited for the picture to materialize in your hand. When your impatient model approached you and asked why you weren’t shaking the polaroid, you informed him that you should, in fact, not do that. “It’ll damage the final product!”
“So that song is…”
“Wrong. Yes.”
Pure shock flashed across his face. “What other lies have I been told?”
The captured memory started blossoming, and you watched as the color bled into life. “That you aren’t the funniest person on the planet,” you answered, earning a scoff.
“In that case, you’ve just been misinformed.” Seokjin huffed before offering an outstretched palm. “Now hand over the camera, it’s your turn.”
“Me?” You didn’t think he was serious when he said swap. In reality, you just assumed he whipped up an excuse for you to take pictures of him.
And you didn’t mind. It was nice to have that charming smile directed at you, even if only through the lens of a camera. The Polaroid would be your shield, blocking Seokjin from the pain swimming in your eyes, barely afloat in pools of regret and guilt and loneliness.
“Yes, woman! When was the last time you had your picture taken?”
Slowly, embarrassment swelled across your cheeks when you realized it had been a very long time. Legitimately long. You never asked others to take your picture; rather, you were always the one behind the lens. The last time someone actually offered was…
“When you took one,” you stuttered out breathily, “At that park.”
It was during one of the last dates you two went on before you left for university. There was a carnival you were dying to visit, and Seokjin surprised you with tickets and a kiss.
You remember being so elated while traversing through the whimsical booths, failing fantastically at the rigged games, scarfing down sticky, billowy cotton candy. Squeaky horns and childish laughter filled your ears, and you could still feel Jin’s gentle fingers on your hand as he shyly tugged you under glowing stringed lights.
The main attraction was a carousel keeping everything else in orbit, its charisma shining like a golden, spinning sun. When night fell, you too gravitated toward its charm, standing behind its barricade to watch horses and teacups endlessly turn.
It was so captivating that you forgot yourself and where you were - who you were supposed to be spending time with. Swiveling in fear, you scanned the bustling crowd for your boyfriend, realizing that you needn’t worry at all.
Seokjin simply waited behind you, holding up his phone and telling you to pose. You were so caught off-guard in that moment that your face contorted hilariously right as he snapped the photo. In his eyes, it was the greatest picture of all time.
However, it wasn’t that well received by its subject. You begged Seokjin to delete it, and he finally caved on the grounds that you took a replacement. Conceding, you stomped back to the gate guarding the twirling attraction and pranked your boyfriend with a blank expression.
But as soon as Seokjin drawled “You look like you don’t care-ousel,” you burst into laughter - your unabashed mirth becoming his background on every device he owned.
The scene faded from your eyes as the current Seokjin stood in front of you, gripping the Polaroid instead of his phone. Gone were the lights and sounds of the theme park and, with them, your fleeting moment of solace.
“Oh,” was all he stated in return, and you swore the temperature chose to drop in that moment just to mock you.
“You know I don’t prefer it anyways.” Your heart was losing its grip, sorrow evident in your shaky tone. You folded your arms to shield your body from the weather and unwanted emotions. “I’m definitely not as photogenic as you.”
“Nonsense,” Seokjin shot back. “Now hurry up, it’s only golden minute now!”
And just like that, his warmth melted any awkwardness like spring chasing away winter.
In retrospect, he probably regarded that moment at the carnival differently, or he just wanted to keep those memories in the past where they belonged. It hurt to be the only one so strongly affected by them, but Jin had the right idea. If there existed a standard list of activities to do with an ex, talking about the past wasn’t one of the options. Especially if you had feelings for said ex.
Plus, you didn’t forget that there was something he had to tell you. It seemed like you were going to have to wait a little longer for that, and your anxiousness wasn’t pleased.
As you ambled to the center of the clearing, you focused more on the crunching sounds your boots made rather than your feelings. With a quick survey of the area, you surmised that it really was a pretty spot, the mountain range peeking behind the trees adding depth to the setting. Adjusting your outfit, you took a breath of courage before staring at the eye of the Polaroid.
Seokjin moved the camera from his face and called your name, roping your gaze to his concern. “Smile, okay?”
On instinct, your throat constricted. You couldn’t hide behind the lens that time. But smile you did, and you hoped Seokjin thought it genuine, silently pleading him to not notice the anguish lingering behind your crescent eyes.
The fire pit your friends constructed blazed bright as you both made it back to the campgrounds. Everyone occupied the surrounding logs and, judging from the soft pop pumping from a portable speaker, Jungkook must have commandeered music control.
Jimin turned when he heard your footsteps, his expression indiscernible as he shifted his gaze between you and Jin. Thankfully, he didn’t say anything, only turning back to Yoongi to continue their conversation.
Seokjin and you parted ways effortlessly: he slotted into the empty space next to Namjoon and you headed to your tent to stow your camera.
And for some reason, that easy departure was hard to swallow.
Your pitched space offered warmth upon entry, and you dumped yourself onto your sleeping bag without a word. A few quiet moments passed before you unzipped your backpack, the tiny action feeling so tedious, so difficult to achieve.
After you finally stored your equipment and closed your bag shut, you just… sat there. Contemplative.
Mentally, you were in a bad place. Your thoughts and emotions banged into each other, their war rendering you powerless - captive. Fidgeting with the plasticky fabric of your sleeping bag, you thought back to what happened after you two left the photo spot.
It was an uneventful walk back for the most part. The polaroids turned out nice, all thanks to the very rare and very expensive camera you borrowed. Seokjin claimed yours and handed you his, and faced with your sudden curiosity, he sheepishly offered, “You don’t have to keep it.”
You were more questioning of the fact that he stored yours in his jacket, but you didn’t want to broach that subject. It was beginning to scare you. Maybe it was the fact that he was acting strange, coupled with the other fact that he was hiding something from you.
Why were you suddenly afraid to confront him? You two were open with each other during your relationship. Were you also wanting to put this dreaded conversation off as long as possible, too?
If he was with someone else, though, would he still be keeping your picture?
It was too much to think about, so you tried to lock everything in a box and sit on it.
You saw the light of the campfire after a few minutes of walking through the woods - a handful of silent, crawling minutes. It was bugging you that Seokjin didn’t say anything on the way back. A quiet Jin was a Jin knee deep in thought, and not in good circumstance. In a moment of weakness, you almost offered out your hand to grab his, but you instead crammed it inside your coat pocket.
When you both rejoined your friends, it seemed so easy for you guys to separate, like you didn’t just go off and do something so intimate. Even though that wasn’t the word you wanted to use.
You resigned yourself to the big picture nonetheless: it wasn’t like what Taehyung and Rin did. Your best friend was insanely popular on social media with her carefully curated feed and relatable-yet-unachievable style. Taehyung had his own massive following for different reasons, and you couldn’t deny that he knew exactly what he was doing to gain the hearts of many. They were snapping photos for each other to show millions of anonymous beings across the world.
You and Seokjin just took photos for each other to have. No one else was going to see those.
Why did you feel like that was significant?
The edge of your sleeping bag began to fray under duress, so you plucked your body off the ground and slipped back outside. What you expected was the temperature dipping a couple degrees in nightfall. What you didn’t expect was Jimin waiting for you, puffy jacket and all, leaning against a tree.
When he saw you emerge from your tent, he straightened and regarded you with caution. “Everything okay?”
You adjusted the front of your coat before fishing a beanie out to cover your ears. “Yeah, why?”
“You were just in there for awhile,” Jimin explained, his eyes searching yours, “And you were with him for a long time.”
“I don’t like being interrogated, Park,” you sighed.
“I know, I just…�� He mirrored you and huffed his own breath toward the ground. A quick glance had you noticing that his own beanie was knit as thick as the fog in your mind. “I just want to make sure.”
Jimin was whom you considered closest next to your best friend and formerly Seokjin. After your break up, Jimin regularly sent you texts to check on you, despite your constant assurance that you were okay. It got to a point where you phoned him and pleaded reprieve - to reach out only if he had something critical to say.
His broken reply? He only texted you because Seokjin wouldn’t.
You ended up crying after that call, and the tears annoyingly persisted a couple nights following.
He was also one of the only two people in the world that knew you loved Jin. Rin was the other, and that’s only because you let it slip during a girls’ night over cheap wine and period piece movies. Something about an early morning confession in a dewy meadow was enough to loosen your alcohol-mottled tongue.
After you ran your fingers over your head, you responded, “Can I ask you something?”
Your friend’s eyes roamed over your face. “Of course.”
“What’s he hiding from me?”
Jimin instantly clammed up at the question. His dancer frame assumed a rigid position, each limb locking, including his jaw. “It’s not my place to say,” he answered gravely, pulling anger from your center.
“Does everyone else know this secret except me?” You really couldn’t take it anymore, especially knowing that something you supposedly deserved to know was possibly public knowledge.
“Just the guys,” Jimin divulged, and you scoffed.
“I can’t believe this.” You made to walk away, in the opposite direction of the campfire. Into the woods again.
Jimin said your name like he just wanted you to understand already, halting you mid-stride. “I’ve been trying to get him to talk to you. Trust me, I have.”
“He’s a grown man, Park. His decisions aren’t your problem,” you whispered.
“But aren’t they yours?”
“Not anymore. We aren’t together right now, if you don’t recall.” You knew you were spitting bullshit, and Jimin did, too. If Seokjin wasn’t giving you problems, you wouldn’t have been hiding in your tent or literally and figuratively walking away from him. Guiltily, you turned back to face Jimin and give him his credit.
He was this way for everyone in your group: the glue that hung on and fought to keep people from breaking apart. Whenever a fight broke out between warring parties, Jimin was the middle man. Always.
Sighing, you relented, “I’m sorry I’m taking this out on you. I’m just so confused, and the longer he hides whatever he’s hiding from me, the more restless I’ll be.”
“Everyone is on your side in this,” Jimin replied. “He just needs to, I don’t know, woman up.”
A breath of laughter escaped you at the tweaked phrase, the tension coating your shoulders slowly sliding off in clumps. “Did you say ‘woman up?’”
“Men aren’t shit,” your friend explained, pointing a gloved finger to punctuate every syllable. “At least women get things done.”
“I would totally drink to that if I had a bottle in my hand, Jimin.”
“Ah, well that can be arranged!” The boy’s eyes crinkled as he spun on a heel. “Let’s go. Jungkook and Taehyung brought out the drinks awhile ago. I missed out on a few bottles already talking to you.”
“Oh, I feel so remorseful,” you cooed, your voice worthy of giving kids cavities. “Almost as if I cared.”
“Ass,” Jimin snapped, but he could only laugh. When you joined his side, he turned and whispered, “But seriously. If he doesn’t talk about it by the end of this trip, I’m giving him hell.”
The temperature dropped again at that moment, and the wind blowing through the pines cut straight into your bones. Your shoulders hunched on instinct and you blinked to get needed moisture. Was it going to snow? The skies above did look intimidating. Was it going to storm?
A sudden trepidation settled into your gut. “Did we check the weather,” you queried, shuffling through your brain to see if you monitored it yourself before the trip.
“Uh-umm, I did,” Jimin answered through chattering teeth, “But I didn’t see anything other than it being cold.”
You pulled out your phone and regretted doing so, your fingers freezing over instantly. You were lucky you all chose a location that was still in signal range - really, thanks went to Rin and Taehyung for incessantly demanding it every year.
Pulling up the weather app after a few tries, you cursed at the oncoming forecast. “Well, there’s more to it. Snow’s coming in,” you relayed to Jimin. “Let’s pack up and find a place to stay.”
The car ride to the nearest lodging felt immensely different than the ride to the campgrounds. Some people focused on defrosting, one person worried about the people in the front, and the two said people in the front weren’t talking at all.
It was you that broke the silence when you steadily gave directions, and Seokjin would repeat them like always. Selfishly, you wanted the car ride to keep going just so you could hear his voice. He wasn’t saying anything otherwise, and there wasn’t music playing for him to absentmindedly sing along to.
The first snowfall was light as your caravan entered the small town nearby, which relieved you. Tiny snowflakes clung onto the windows and you lost yourself in their geometric patterns. Lights from the shops and other stray cars reflected in the slick roads to create a symphony of color, and white patches already settled on trees that lined the main way.
Seokjin spotted the lodge first, and he rolled into a spot towards the entrance, Jungkook’s car slotting into the next space. Your driver rolled down his window and repeatedly pointed his finger down to signal for Yoongi to follow suit. “Let’s go in and make sure they have our rooms first,” he called out, and Jungkook leaned over his console to shout a hearty okay.
You hoisted yourself out of the car and waited for the boys to follow. Seokjin went to stand next to you, but instead of Jungkook popping out of the other car, it was Namjoon that emerged. You could only guess that the youngest slyly started a game to have the loser get out.
Your stomach turned when you realized it was most likely because no one wanted to be left alone with you and Seokjin.
Remorse burned your throat. This trip was supposed to be fun, but it just felt strained. Were you overthinking? Or was your churning gut correct in its assumption?
At the very least, you hoped everyone else was having a better time than you were.
It seemed that the man beside you had the same feeling that a challenge was pitched. “Rock-paper-scissors? Or nose goes?”
Namjoon just laughed at the ground as his face flushed. “Nose goes, and I put my finger on my mouth so, umm, that’s that.”
You chuckled while you three made your way to the door, both of them towering over you on either side. Seokjin opened the entrance for everyone and, when you stepped foot inside, you were hit with a wave of warmth mixed with an undercurrent of gingerbread. The entirety of the main entrance bathed in plaid or embroidered throws, and there was an obvious affinity for Christmas on display with the plethora of garlands, lights, and a towering Christmas tree in the front bay window.
Namjoon and Seokjin quickly got distracted by the toy train running through a snowy village setup. Adorable, but not helpful.
Alone at the front desk, you received confirmation that your group had four bookings, and you thanked the concierge while you gathered the keys.
The rooms weren’t next to each other. One of them sat on another floor, and the rest were separated but shared the same level.
A container of pamphlets caught your attention, so you grabbed one before strolling away. “Guys, let’s claim our rooms. After that, you can watch the train all you want,” you called out, tapping them both on the back with the thin brochure.
They swiveled their heads to your retreating form before following you out the door.
“No. We are not doing that again.”
“Come on, hyung, it’ll be fun!”
“I’m with Yoongi on this one. We could all end up in the same room.”
“But what if you get a room to yourself?”
“Why can’t we ever just pick like normal people? And Hoseok-hyung, you laugh but you have the worst luck out of all of us.”
“Excuse me! That’s only because you all psyche me out!”
“Let’s just pick something. My phone’s almost dead.”
You stood next to Rin while you two watched the boys decide how room assignments were determined. It was a sight to see: them crowding the small hallway, bags littered around their bulky shoes. You both were thankful they were courteous enough to let you two keep a room to yourselves. They even made sure yours wasn’t on the other floor, just so that you girls wouldn’t be alone.
They were going to pick random rooms one-by-one, not knowing which options the others picked until they opened a door. If you and your friend also had to choose, you were risking the possibility of being stuck with Seokjin, which was the last thing you wanted.
On a day where your friendship was actually normal, that wouldn’t have mattered one bit. But right then? The tension surrounding him would have been detrimental.
He had something to say; he wasn’t saying it. You were a sitting, fidgeting duck.
Jungkook whipped his phone out to search the internet for a random coin flip generator. “Here. Heads, we do it. Tails, we don’t.”
Yoongi just snickered in defeat and already started picking up his bag. “I call picking first.”
His intuition proved sharp as the generator pulled up Heads: they were going with the random room assignments. Taehyung kicked his head back with a sigh, and Jimin and Jungkook burst into laughter while the elders collectively groaned.
As Rin giggled at their misfortune, you sent a rueful smile Seokjin’s way out of habit. You were still friends, after all, and he seemed so distraught over the prospect of horrid results. His eyes locked onto yours and, for a brief moment, he offered a shy grin in return.
The fluttering in your chest was quickly shooed away.
It was while everyone relaxed around a public lounge area that Jungkook hurled an accusation, his eyes alight with the flames licking the nearby fireplace. “Hyung cheated.”
Seokjin immediately sat up in his plush chair and retorted, “Take that back! I did nothing of the sort. You all were just too lazy to take the stairs to the next floor.”
Taehyung shot him a side eye and shared his own eloquent opinion. “Seems sus.”
A whole new wave of bickering erupted, and you redirected your attention to the snow storm blustering outside tall windows.
You were thanking every deity above that you guys decided to leave in time. It would’ve been hell in the campsite during this weather, or even while squeezed into the cars.
Though the original plans were derailed, you were pretty happy with the current lodging situation. Who knew a small town would have a humongous lodge? It had to be assumed that this was the main business keeping the town running. Rin was absolutely drinking it in and stated she even wanted to bring her family there, her thoughtfulness curving your mouth upwards.
Another good thing that came out of this trip proved to be the room assignments that Jungkook ended up loathing. They had you clutching your sides when all was said and done.
Four of the boys managed to pick the same room, and Hoseok and Yoongi snagged a room to themselves. These results resulted in one Kim Seokjin speeding up and down the hallway, wholeheartedly shouting with glee. Yoongi almost crumpled to the ground in relief at the end, and Hoseok fell over in laughter when he entered the full room. You could feel the desperation in Namjoon’s muffled voice as he begged Seokjin to let him change rooms. The only reply he received was an ominous “If you behave.”
“Don’t blame us,” Yoongi laughed out, both hands lightly gripping the arms of the rocking chair he chose. “This is what you young people get for trying to be cute.” His relief from only having to bunk with one other person left him chipper, you noticed. To his credit, it was amusing that the youngest four ended up in the same room.
“Okay, gramps,” Jungkook snapped, earning a laugh from Jimin on the seat next to him. “But she definitely gave hyung clues!”
You whipped your head around to shoot a confused look toward your accuser. “Me?”
Multiple eyes darted between you two like pinballs, and you didn’t have time to brace for his next words,
“You know you won’t see him again after this trip, so you—”
“—Kook!”
All oxygen abandoned you as Jimin rushed to shut the younger man’s mouth, practically slapping his face. Eyes popped out of his head as Jungkook paled in realization.
The rest of the boys bore glares into the youngest one’s countenance, but Seokjin turned directly towards you with concern.
What just happened? Your fingers gripped the varnished wood of your chair as you slowly locked eyes with your ex, and your heart dropped like a stone when he shifted his gaze to the floor.
What the fuck was happening? Your brain was going haywire. What did Jungkook mean? You wouldn’t see Seokjin after this trip? The man that you couldn’t wait to see on the last Friday of every November? That was bogus. He was joking. It was a joke, right? One more weekend before Seokjin was gone from your life forever? Impossible. Ludicrous.
Why wasn’t anyone saying anything?
Beside you, Rin clutched one of your tense fists in her soft palms. Addressing the group, her sharp tone demanded an answer when she asked, “What the hell is going on?”
The silence that followed was palpable. Not even the pleasant music drifting through the lodge was enough to damper the tension.
“I think,” Yoongi finally murmured, his words ice, “This is our cue to leave.”
“No need,” your friend snipped, “We’ll go.” She whispered your name before softly tugging you to vacate your seat.
When you pried yourself from the cushion, it took a moment for you to control your legs to actually move. You knew all the guys were watching you, but you were too embarrassed to acknowledge them, too upset to look any of them in the eye.
Rin led you away from the lounge, making sure you were heading toward the nearest staircase before spinning on her heel. “To the unfortunate soul that gets to explain this to me,” she bit, clutching everyone’s attention in her underlying threat, “Text me where to meet you in ten minutes.”
Both you and Rin occupied the carpet, backs against the cookie cutter sofa that existed in each room.
You two pushed the furniture around so that the couch faced the windows instead of the plain TV, and you surprised your friend by dumping yourself onto the ground instead of the cushions. Rin didn’t question you, though. She only followed suit.
The curtains were shoved to the side to reveal the relentless storm, and you watched the swirls and streaks of white until your head fell onto Rin’s shoulder.
“I should’ve been paying attention to you,” she murmured, “I’m sorry.”
You shook your head, the motion feeling awkward in its tilt. “No, no. You’ve been having a fun time, so I’m happy I didn’t ruin that.” Your laugh was dry. “Until now, at least.”
Rin lowered her shoulder so that you rested more comfortably. “How are you feeling?”
“Like I’m going through a breakup again.”
Fuck. You didn’t realize until the words left your lips that it’s how you really felt.
It had been a few years since you guys ended things. Throughout that whole time, you didn’t feel awkward one bit.
Well, that wasn’t entirely true. The “date” that Seokjin brought to the Christmas party last year made you want to tear your hair out. But, that was because she was obviously after his finances and that was the year you realized you loved him.
The conversation you had with Seokjin turned sour, but you really wanted him to see the big picture. You could still recall that night with clarity, the snow falling much lighter than what you currently witnessed outside.
“Seokjin, do you honestly think she likes you?” The red dress you wore was so vibrant that it glinted off the dinnerware spread across the decadent table nearby.
When you pulled your ex aside that night, the only quiet place you could find was the dining room, long abandoned once everyone got their seconds. Up until this point, it was obvious Seokjin wasn’t understanding you. You tried to tell him how you saw it, and he would just brush things aside.
“You sound like you care more than I do,” he accused, his eyes looking everywhere but your face.
Before you responded, you scoffed. “I’m your friend. Of course I’m going to care.”
You remember the strong emotions you suppressed that night. You couldn’t let more things slip than necessary. Yes, you could show him you cared. Yes, you could show him he needed someone else. Just as long as you didn’t give too much of your own feelings for him away. “You deserve someone that at least likes you, for you.”
Seokjin finally stared back at your stormy features, his eyes filled with something unsaid. You sucked in a breath. What else would he say? You liked him for everything he was, but that relationship didn’t pan out. Obviously. You would’ve been going to this Christmas party together if you still dated.
Maybe you shouldn’t have been having that conversation - it was already hard enough for you to say you were his friend. You wanted to be more than that. Again.
“I know she doesn’t like me,” he finally admitted, running a hand through his bangs. The urge to caress his ever soft strands filled you with grief.
You really did like his hair, and it looked even better when coupled with his Nutcracker-esque attire.
“Then why…” You struggled to find a reason why they were even there together. It was a Christmas party with your friends. Why would he bring someone that he didn’t like?
“She’s interested in Namjoon.” Seokjin’s eyes quickly turned into crescents when he witnessed your expression, and his full lips pursed to contain his laughter. “I was trying to get her off me the whole night, but she was trying harder than she needed to to make him jealous. I’m irresistible, you know.”
“Irritable is more like it,” you growled, playfully shoving him aside. “Ass! I was just trying to protect you and you knew this whole time!”
“It’s nice to know you’re looking out for me!” The man beamed as he made his way out of the dining room.
“Yeah, well,” you whispered, tensing slightly when he stopped. “They have to be perfect. It’s what you deserve.” And you really did mean that.
Seokjin’s smile faltered, and you shot him a half-smile before exiting the room yourself.
That was the last time you guys had an argument, if you could even call it that. The rest of the moments you had with him were completely fine. You wondered if Seokjin could see through you during that conversation. He was perceptive, sure, but you may have gotten away with looking like just a good friend.
It was just worrisome since you couldn’t control your emotions that night. You only got to see him in person during these November trips and Christmas parties when you went home, after all. Seeing him again after realizing you loved him ignited something within you, and it took the whole night to put that fire out.
This looming news just felt way too heavy to handle. Was it because you reached where the sidewalk ended? You weren’t going to see his face in person or hear his laugh out loud. There wasn’t going to be off-the-cuff, awful dad jokes thrown your way every end of November.
A nagging idea, far in the depths of your mind, kept tapping your shoulder. But you brushed it off with a scowl.
Even if you acknowledged the concept, there was no way Seokjin felt the same about you. Neither one of you said you loved each other throughout the time you were dating. Were there times you thought you did? Admittedly, yes. Did you ever think about telling him? Another yes. But he never hinted that he felt the same, so it would’ve been awkward for you if it turned out he didn’t. The absence of a confession kept you from revealing yours. So of course even now, you couldn’t tell him. Especially since he was apparently leaving.
Rin didn’t speak for awhile, but you knew she wasn’t the best at comforting people. She was number one at standing up for you and protecting you, but when it came to the softer parts of consoling, she did flounder. Which was endearing and calming in itself.
“How can I help,” she simply offered, and you nuzzled further into her neck. She always smelled so nice, your guardian Rin.
The adrenaline from Jungkook’s bombshell, your swift exit, and the constant stream of thoughts started to wane. Exhaustion slowly took its place like honey sliding into a jar. Softly, your eyelids drooped and you whispered, “This room is a castle, so be my big bad dragon and don’t let anyone in.”
The last sound you heard before falling asleep was a tinkling laugh followed by a small “As you wish, princess.”
When you regained consciousness, you discovered that you were strewn across one of the beds instead of the ground. You couldn’t even estimate how much time passed while you were out, but the storm outside was still thrashing and the only light in the room was the emergency one by the door.
You groggily propped up weary limbs in search of your phone, eventually swiping it from the nightstand. Still half-asleep, you barely registered the pain meds and glass of water sitting on that same table, their dark silhouettes waiting patiently.
Bright pixels mocked your drool-covered chin. Scrunching your face instinctively, you scrolled through your notifications while blinking sleep from your lashes. You received multiple texts, but you didn’t want to open the threads completely, so you opted to check them from the Home screen.
Jiminie [7:20pm]: Fuck, I’m sorry that happened. Please be okay. Love you.
Tae [7:21pm]: free hugs whenever you need. you know the drill.
Rin-Rin [7:36pm]: I know you said not to let anyone in but I literally couldn’t carry you to the bed. Forgive me!
Yoongi [7:37pm]: He’s in his room. I kept telling him to tell you. I know it’s shit to find out this way so if he doesn’t explain things to you, I will.
Hobi [7:39pm]: we’re here for u love!! let me know if u need anything. there’s a small concession stand downstairs so if u need smth i can run it up!!
Jiminie [7:40pm]: Kook is in bad shape. He swore he thought hyung told you already. Don’t worry tho. I’m not letting him off easy.
Rin-Rin [7:43pm]: Hey, love. Just spoke to Seokjin. I think you need to talk to him yourself, but only if you feel up for it.
Joonie [7:45pm]: I gave Rin a bottle of pain meds we had in our room
Joonie [7:45pm]: Go ahead and take some when you wake up
Joonie [7:45pm]: We can count this as an emergency
Jiminie [8:21pm]: Let me know if you’re okay, okay?
Kook [8:33pm]: I’m so sorry
Rin-Rin [8:48pm]: Grabbing us some snacks from downstairs, I’ll brb.
Your battered heart sank even more when you noticed a distinct absence amongst the names. Seokjin didn’t send you a single message.
What had gotten into him? Did he still not want to talk to you despite you knowing his secret? You clicked your phone shut without opening any of the messages and sunk into the pillows. It was 8:49pm, so you had barely missed Rin’s departure. Her exit was probably what woke you.
Unwittingly, you found your device in front of your baggy eyes again, berating yourself for hovering over Seokjin’s thread. The last text he sent stared back at you in a mocking set of pixels.
Kim JokeJin [Thursday, 9:23pm]: Let’s make this one the best one!
With the previous context, this was just a regular message about the yearly trip. With the right context, these words tied your throat in a knot.
You were sure you loved him, but what you were feeling now was even stronger. If you were honest with yourself, you would say that this is what yearning truly felt like, what something deeper than love felt like.
But you were a fool and a liar, so you convinced yourself it was only because you wouldn’t see him again.
As soon as you were about to give up and lock your phone, the thread updated with a new text from Seokjin, and you stilled.
Kim JokeJin [8:51pm]: You’re probably still asleep, so I don’t want to wake you.
You immediately clicked on his message, your anxiousness protected by the absence of Read receipts. The typing bubble kept popping in and out of the screen and, with bated breath, you waited to see if a second text slid into the thread. A hard exhale whooshed from your throat when the second message came through.
Kim JokeJin [8:53pm]: But I owe you an explanation so come up when you can.
Fingers locked your phone in an instant when the door creaked on its hinges. Rin entered with an armful of chips and various candy bars, and as you started to get up, she tutted.
“Sit down, lady.” Packages crinkled as she dumped them onto your covered legs in a processed, sweet and salty heap. “Did you take the medicine?”
You shook your head, very sure that you looked like a cranky Troll doll.
“Go ahead and eat something really quick so the medicine will work. When you’re awake enough…” Rin’s voice trailed off, but you filled in the blanks yourself. Go talk to him was what she wanted to say.
“Can’t you just tell me what he said?” You were hopeful that Rin would save you the pain of confronting Seokjin yourself. In reality, she denied your request.
“Not this time,” she murmured, “This is something that needs to come from him.”
You figured as much, but it didn’t hurt to try getting out of it. It was a conversation that you both wanted and dreaded to have. Under your goosebumps, your bones trembled.
If you were frightened by the mere gist of it, how were you going to react to the real thing?
The reality was that you needed the closure Seokjin was offering. You didn’t think this vacation - or your friendship, for that matter - could regain normalcy until you had this talk. “Sorry I ruined this trip,” you whispered, playing with a corner of the closest bag of chips.
“I’m sorry, is your name ‘Jungkook?’” Rin laughed. “I’m kidding. It’s not ruined. At the very least, it’s salvageable. Maybe.”
“You should be a weather girl with these confident forecasts,” you joked, coaxing a laugh from your friend. You offered a small smile in return, but your heart wasn’t in it. She kinda forgot that this is the last trip you guys would have with Seokjin. If anything, it was doomed from the start.
Little striations ran across the door greeting you, shallow cuts skirting up and down the frame. You roved your eyes over the rough texture; contemplative, lost in the mahogany brown expanse.
If only you were a sturdy tree. You wouldn’t have to worry about any hard conversations in life. All you would’ve had to worry about was possibly becoming a rickety chair for a spoiled brat, or one of Namjoon’s tables that he would eventually damage and lament over.
With a breath, you finally knocked.
It didn’t take long for Seokjin’s freshly showered form to answer, and when you saw him dressed down to a plain white shirt and black pants, you quickly shifted your eyes to the floor. Didn’t he know that outfit was your favorite? Your weakness?
“Hey,” you simply said. “I’m awake now.”
He nodded and let you in, the door closing with a soft click. When you crossed the room, you stopped in front of the couch, anticipation already caking onto your clothes. There wasn’t much to say on your end, you figured, so Seokjin had to take the lead.
Instead of launching into topic, he walked towards you and grabbed a bottle from his nightstand. “Do you want some water?”
You could only stare at the plastic in question. “Did I come here for water, Seokjin?”
There was a heavy pause before the man planted his offering on the nightstand. “No.” Sitting on the longer side of his bed, he clasped his hands together, blank eyes glued to the floor. “Jungkook is right. I won’t be able to go on these trips anymore.”
“Why?”
“I, umm,” Seokjin answered, his words fumbling, “I kinda got into Harvard Medical School.”
“What?” Your anxiousness was forgotten as you gawked at him. That was what he was holding back from you? All this time? That amazing, fantastic, crazy news? Without thinking, you bounded toward him and crushed him in a hug, careful to not push him back onto the bed. “Seokjin! This is what you couldn’t tell me?”
His arms remained at his sides. When he responded, his explanation bounced onto your shoulder, “I literally won’t have a life once I start. None of you will be able to see this face, isn’t that enough to be sad about?”
Another moment of weakness came over you, and instead of overcoming it, you gave in. Your arms tightened around him and you whispered, “No, I’m so happy for you. You’ve worked so hard…”
There were bags under his eyes for a reason. You knew the nights he got three hours of sleep far outweighed the nights he got more than that. The reason you two didn’t get to see each other was his relentless studying and discipline, and you didn’t want him to have to choose between you and a future career. You both were way too young for those rash decisions.
It was with this memory that you were reminded of why you broke up: you wanted him to focus on his goals and you would do the same. “Really, I’m so proud of you.”
Why you hadn’t let go of him at that point was a mystery to you, but you couldn’t seem to stop. The feel of his body against yours consumed you, held you captive even if his arms didn’t.
But after a moment, you felt strong limbs wrap around your sides and emotion wrap around your throat.
You don’t remember the last time you two truly embraced. It was a given that the last time you did, you were both completely different people. Both so young. Both so naive.
“Thank you,” Seokjin breathed, his head finally a beautiful burden on your shoulder, “But there’s more.”
Tension froze your veins, taking the color from your complexion. Of course there was more. There was no way that was the big reveal, even though it was a monster in itself. “Oh,” was all you managed to squeak out.
Seokjin’s arms gently pushed your body away so that he could look you in the eyes. You already missed his stronghold, but you listened as he spoke. “My parents want me to go back home. To Korea.”
You blinked. “Even though you got into Harvard?”
“No, no, after that,” Seokjin expressed with a level of confidence only he could achieve. Like it was inconceivable that he wouldn’t get his doctorate. He then searched your face, the pause holding weight. “So, I don’t know if I’ll see you guys again.”
The wind howled outside and you shivered as if you were standing out there in the cold. There was so much that you wanted to say, but all the thoughts you had in your head melded together into sludge. Words struggled to leave your mouth. Nothing processed correctly in your brain.
Seokjin wasn’t joking - not this time. He really was going to be swamped in work and work and more work. Even the holidays were going to be crammed, and you were sure he wanted to use those rare rest periods solely to recharge.
Yes, he would still be able to text and call everyone, but that would be the extent of communication. He wasn’t big on social media. Even if he was, there would certainly be a dip in his activity now.
Just like you felt earlier, you really did feel like you were going through a breakup again. Only this time, the last remains of your relationship were at stake.
You didn’t want that.
“We’d still be friends,” you weakly offered, wondering if you were just saying that to convince yourself.
An empty chuckle startled you, and when you looked at Jin, he directed an empty gaze toward his nightstand’s lamp. “Yeah… We’d still be friends,” he repeated, and the way he said that made your shoulders sag. It was almost as if he didn’t believe you.
“But Seokjin… You should be so happy. I mean, you’re incredible,” you whispered, a heavy feeling weighing down your chest.
“What if I’m not?”
You sucked in a breath, suddenly not knowing what to do. Was he saying that hypothetically? No. There wouldn’t be a reason for him to ask if he truly was.
How were you supposed to respond to that? Being a doctor was his goal - you were sure of it. If he got accepted into Harvard of all places, then his future glimmered as bright as his charm. “What do you mean,” was what you decided to say. Because you needed more from him than that.
“You said I should be happy. What if I’m not?”
“This is what you’ve been working towards your whole life!” It didn’t make any sense. None of this was making any sense. Who wasn’t happy that they got accepted to one of the most prestigious medical programs in the world? “You did everything you could, and now you have something to show for it! We even broke up over this. And that’s fine,” you quickly added at the end. You didn’t want Seokjin to feel bad for that at all.
“What I’m trying to say is,” you continued, wanting to get every logical word out before more irrational ones escaped. “You’ve gotten everything you wanted. You deserve to be happy.”
You could feel the doors of your heart scraping shut. Even if you wanted to try to be with him again, you would have to give up on that dream. There was no way it was going to work if it didn’t pan out last time.
Fists clenched, you hated how your heart gravitated towards Seokjin on this damn trip, loathed how your brain produced its own highlight reel. Somehow, they both knew this was the end before you did.
“I don’t have everything I want, but you’re right. I’ll be happy.” He sounded bitter. Why did he sound so bitter?
“What more could you want,” you blurted, the question materializing between the two of you in bold letters. You were just getting frustrated at this point.
This was his dream. The ultimate goal. The one thing he wanted out of life.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does to me.”
“Well, it’s none of your concern.”
“I don’t care if it is or not.”
“You really want to know?” Seokjin shot off the bed, immediately towering over your small stature. As your eyes reached his face, you watched as his lips twisted, your shocked features taking in his frustration. “It’s… It’s love, okay? That might sound weird to you, but I’ve realized that all of this is pointless without it. That’s what I’m missing. I want to love again.” He shoved a hand through his hair, his forehead slightly wrinkling under duress.
The first thing that threw you off was the mere mention of the word. That was so brave of him to even bring it up. With you, of all people: someone he’s dated before. It must have taken so much courage for him to admit that.
But there was another word in there that stood out amongst all the others.
Again. He said again. Did he love someone before? He couldn’t have been referring to what you guys had. You never once said those words to each other while you dated. So who was he thinking of? And why did it hurt to know that he had loved before and it wasn’t you?
“I didn’t know you wanted that,” you replied, your voice painfully small. “But I don’t think it’s weird.”
You wanted nothing more than to just confess to him already, but you had no clue what he would say if he didn’t want something with you. The moment escaped like a thief in the night.
“Ah, well, if you knew the whole story,” Seokjin sighed, his breath shaky, “You would definitely think it’s stupid.”
“Why did it end the first time?” You wanted to get to the bottom of it. Maybe through his explanation, you could find something salvageable. You cared about him - so damn much. Seeing him in a state of utter helplessness seized your heart and gripped it tight. “With the one you… you loved. What happened?”
Seokjin’s indiscernible stare pierced through your soul, his silence screaming that he didn’t want to talk about it.
And you understood his reluctance. The list of activities to do with an ex didn’t include this as an option, either.
You felt the steely aftertaste of guilt on your tongue. Maybe he wanted you to just leave him alone already. Besides, you already pushed him to tell a multitude of truths that night. Asking him about a past love life was most likely crossing the line. “I’m sorry,” you apologized, uprooting yourself from your spot to leave. “You don’t have to tell me. I’ll leave you alone.”
You made it three steps before Seokjin responded, “She decided to end it.”
A vice clamped your chest. You stood in your new spot closer to the door, eyes boring into the floor. “Even though you were in love?”
That must have been awful. If you loved him when you two broke it off, it would have absolutely hurt. Very much like what was happening to you now, in fact. Because fuck, were you absolutely disintegrating like a paper on fire.
“I don’t think she loved me,” Seokjin disclosed, his words tightening the clasp around your lungs. “But I loved her.”
“I’m so sorry, Seokjin.” Tears brimmed across your eyes, but you didn’t want him to see you break. You thrummed with so many emotions in that moment, swept by the current of his words, his heavy tribulations.
He loved someone in the past. You loved him in the present. If only you both harbored a love for each other in at least one point in your lives.
“That must have been hard.”
“It wasn’t, for the most part.” His brittle words crumbled as they appeared. “I saw it coming.”
You chewed on your lip. Seokjin’s confessions were so full of pain - the amount of love he had for this person was obvious. Looking back on your relationship, you remember your split being mutual. It was mutual, right? There weren't any feelings involved. Whichever other situation Seokjin was referring to had to be sometime after you.
Maybe it was someone during his college days. But wouldn’t you have at least heard about them through the friend circle? Their name must have just left your mind. You knew Seokjin flirted a lot but he needed to be serious to really start a relationship. This one just sounded tragic.
“I don’t know what to say,” you admitted sincerely, your chest about ready to collapse, “Other than don’t give up. You can do it. Love again.” The joints in your knees threatened to give out. Telling the one you loved that he could find someone again was too much. Too, too much.
“Ah, yeah. Well.” Seokjin turned away from you in a shrug. Even the back of his profile was perfect. “Thanks for being a good, uh, friend.”
Friend. Could you teleport to your room and stay there? You couldn’t be the one to give him what he wanted, especially since he was about to be gone for a very long time. No matter how much you wanted to. Oh, how you wanted to.
You swung around to face the door once again. Critical words almost freed themselves from your lips, but you held them back, swallowed them down. “I’ll always be your friend.”
Head storming, you commended yourself for keeping your voice level. The tears were able to recede - which relieved you, since you wanted to make it through the rest of the conversation with dry eyes. With one tiny head shake, you whispered, “Let’s get some sleep, okay? I don’t want us to ruin the rest of this trip. Like you said before, we have to make it the best one.”
Seokjin got up and made his way over to you, and you turned around with a fresh face once you knew he was close enough. The smile he wore was manufactured, but you didn’t want to pry. Instead, you repeated your advice as you both approached his door. Because you wanted him to understand. “Seriously. Don’t give up, you hear me?”
“Don’t give up,” he echoed as he pulled on the handle, like you were just giving him directions. He stilled for a moment in deep concentration before looking your way. Dark eyes bore into yours and you could almost hear them speak, but he gave one final nod and vowed, “Okay.”
Little striations met you again when you gave Seokjin’s closed room one last look, and you swore they regarded you with pity. Finally breaking, you let your tears fall the whole way back to your floor, wishing to be made into a sturdy tree in your next life so you never had to feel that way again.
The next morning found all nine friends situated in various places around Seokjin’s room. You thought it amusing that the boys never really settled for normal seats, always choosing a table or windowsill perch instead. As an avid fan of the floor yourself, apparently, you were once again plopped on the ground in front of the sofa. Only this time, you weren’t drowning in the depths of your past.
“Looks like the snow piled up high last night, so we might not be able to use the cars,” Namjoon observed after his long fingers created a tiny crack in the curtains. His argyle sweater blended in with the burgundy fabric and the sight put a small smile on your face.
The action surprised you since you spent the whole night swathed in a blanket of regret, your arms caging your ribs in an attempt to stopper your bleeding heart. If only you were so bold as to allow a confession to fall from your lips. Three words to solve two peoples’ problems.
But the risk involved was too high. The hurt following an unrequited love confession would haunt you through every sunrise and sunset.
Jungkook’s exasperated voice sliced through your thoughts. “What are we gonna do then?” You glanced at him right as he threw himself onto Seokjin’s bed, bouncing the other two occupants like buoys amongst waves.
“What we can do: stay in,” Yoongi responded while repositioning himself against the headboard.
Taehyung’s sigh mingled with Rin’s tsking noise, Jungkook’s deeper groan almost in harmony with the both of them. Their melancholic concerto almost pulled a laugh out of you, but the next suggestion came from Hoseok, “I brought some board games we could play. Cards, too.”
Seokjin quickly shot him a look. “You don’t play board games. Or games. Or cards. Actually, what do you do?”
“I look after all of you.” Hoseok’s head always bobbed when he spoke to accentuate his points. “Hence why I brought board games and cards just in case!”
You couldn’t refute the man’s claims, either. Hoseok always made sure everyone packed what they needed before trips but brought extra stuff in the event that the group needed something else. Helping was just part of his nature. Yesterday was one example. Rin got the snacks last night, but you were sure he would have woken up at any point in time to be your comfort food delivery man. If being a leader were a sport, Hoseok would be the dark horse that you never saw coming until they finished first. Then you couldn’t deny their talent and skill.
Taehyung didn’t let the dark horse live, though. “Thanks, hyung. Did you pack a snowblower, too?”
Rin’s laugh could always be heard amongst your friends, but not because she was a girl. Hers was just so distinct and heartwarming, like a cozy throw or the thought of cookies in the oven. It was only slightly better than Jimin’s.
Speaking of which: Jimin was eerily quiet throughout the whole meeting, his gaze lingering on you more than once. You noticed it ever since you burst into Seokjin’s room and lauded the man’s scholastic advancement. Which couldn’t be helped. No matter how painful last night’s conversation was, you still wanted him to know how proud you were. After all, a person could be sporting a dagger through their heart but still have love to give.
You didn’t know why Jimin was acting strange. The big secret was unveiled but you would come to terms with it. Was he afraid of how you would be feeling? Or was he just sympathizing with you because he assumed you weren’t exactly fine? Talking to him later to iron things out was going to be essential. The multiple glances he threw your way proved too much.
“I have a pamphlet we can look through,” you responded, waving it in the air like a white flag. The decision to bring it just in case proved to be the right one, even if Rin threw a small fit from having to fumble through her bag for the room key again. Warmth from the thick hoodie swallowing both your body and your bent legs validated the first time you went back into your room.
Rin stuck her tongue out at you but smiled right after in her best Sour Patch Kid impression. Cute. You breathily laughed before unfolding the flimsy paper. Shifting your eyes along the colorful pages, you started listing out the lodge activities. “Okay, so we have… Kayaking: no. Lake yoga: no. Mountain biking: no…”
Even though the lodge boasted a huge amount of things to do, the majority of them required there to not be four billion inches of snow outside. Only a few remained, and majority rules determined ski slopes the winner.
The only issue with the slopes was that they only allowed groups of three at a time. To remedy this, groups were formed and a rotation was set based on a heated tournament of rock-paper-scissors. And while Hoseok didn’t play board games, cards, or even video games, he seemed to be a pro at that.
He picked Seokjin and Yoongi for his group, and they were going out first, to the eldest’s horror. You saw his anxiousness coming from miles out - tackling snow with one board was much more up his alley than tackling it with two.
Next, Jungkook chose Namjoon and Jimin since he wanted to somehow “win” on the slopes. They gave him much grief for that.
And that left you with Rin and Taehyung, but they wanted to check out the spa area first, so your group was going to catch up later.
Which wasn’t ideal for you. You wanted to watch Seokjin ski. Or really, you just wanted to see him as much as possible before the trip ended. Seok in his presence, like he said. Maybe being pruny in this case was a beautiful thing.
Room Service knocking on the door interrupted your thoughts, and Jimin let them in to serve the breakfast Seokjin ordered for everyone prior. While the dishes were distributed, the group was already firing bets and insults and digs at each other as if a clear winner would emerge outside. And you welcomed every bit of their energy. Chewing on food while basking in everyone’s competitive nature was enough of a distraction from your woes. At least, until you caught Jimin deep in thought again.
The spa was decent, so you three ended up staying for almost an hour. Both the sauna and facial massage served to ease the thick layer of tenseness under your skin. If only you could transport yourself into a cloud of steam every time you thought about Seokjin. Maybe that would’ve helped with the anxiousness and guilt you felt every time you thought about confessing.
And you were grateful for Taehyung tagging along because he really did offer free hugs often. Even while Rin scanned over the receipt for everything you guys did, the man slung a lean arm around your shoulders.
His voice glided over your hair when he leaned in to ask, “How did it go last night?”
You sighed before responding, debating on how to answer him. You decided to take the easy route. “Good. Better than I expected. I just can’t believe it took him that long to tell me! I was so worried this whole time.”
Taehyung squeezed you gently. “Finally. We kept telling him to just admit it already.”
Rin was in the middle of paying when you smiled. Her hair gleamed in the incandescents, and you reached out to touch it as you admitted, “It’s just weird that he wanted to hide that from me.”
“Well, you’re his ex, so he thought it would’ve been awkward.”
A laugh shot out of you, and Taehyung gave you a look. “Seokjin’s so strange. He knows I’ve been rooting for him this whole time. I mean, Harvard? That’s incredible.”
Normally, friends would converse about achievements and be sincerely happy about them. But something else happened in that moment that set alarm bells off in your head. Whether it was Rin becoming a block of ice in front of you, or Taehyung slowly peeling his arm off of your shoulders, you suddenly got a feeling that something wasn’t right.
When Rin spun around to face you, the expression painted on her face reminded you of those Renaissance pieces you saw during one museum date with your ex. Her eyebrows artfully scrunched; her full lips twisted. Was she on the side of the angels, battling demons? Going to war?
No, she was just trying to clarify something. “He didn’t say anything else?”
You gulped. “I mean, yeah?”
“What did he say?” Taehyung furrowed his dark brows, his own face a work of art in itself.
“That his parents are making him move back to Korea when he’s done with his doctorate,” you revealed, suspicious of the both of them and Seokjin now. You kept your tone level to hide any emotions under the surface. “Why, is there more?”
Once again, you were swept under the wave of confusion. The waters there were dark and cold, and you felt like you couldn’t swim to safety this time. It was as if cotton clogged your ears and a thin film coated your vision. You didn’t even register Taehyung furiously typing on his phone while Rin led you all out of the spa’s reception area.
“Do you want there to be more,” was all she offered before sitting you down on an earthly toned loveseat. The fluffy rug under your shoes snagged most of your attention.
“I don’t know how to answer that, but I guess not,” you finally grunted, feeling angrier and angrier from being left in the dark again. Comparable to a disease, this dangerous feeling was taking over you, trickling into your veins drop by black drop. “Honestly, I kinda just want to go back to the room until we meet for dinner. Whatever you guys are hiding is starting to piss me off.”
“Let’s go,” Rin agreed, urging you to get up and follow her to the room. But you shook her off.
“I’ll go by myself.” Buzzing with anger, you shuffled through your bag to grip your key. “Just let me be alone for a bit.”
Taehyung looked absolutely livid, but he nodded along with Rin. You didn’t watch the two of them share a knowing glance as you drug your crumpling form to the stairs, hoping pieces of you didn’t crumble off before you reached your temporary bed.
From the moment your tired bones hit your comforter, time traveled at a strange pace. You didn’t know how long you spent lying prone on the sheets, your head lolled towards the window. Watching the light snowfall outside did nothing to bring you out of your dark space.
Being left out, confused, and feeling betrayed left you mentally drained. How long were you going to feel like this? Like you were just going to keep being lied to? Maybe you weren’t outwardly lied to, but omitting something was still considered a lie. The truth was still held captive and you couldn’t even pay it a visit.
Rin and Taehyung reacted strongly to what you said. That had to mean whatever else Seokjin was supposed to say to you was big. You weren’t stupid. At least, that’s what you concluded.
But what if you were this time?
You loathed this feeling. You hated being looked at with pity. Even Rin knew what was left unsaid this time, so you were truly alone in the dark.
A dark monster within you rose to life, and you ripped yourself from the sheets. Snatching your coat from the couch, you jerked your arms inside, striding toward your door with purpose. A ball of fury, you were determined to march up the slopes and confront Seokjin. Everything was getting ridiculous.
Tugging the door open, you flinched at the figure waiting on the other side. A brief moment of silence and bewilderment and worry washed over you, quelling a small part of your harbored anger. “What happened to you?”
Seokjin stood in front of you wrapped in his puffy coat, hair in disarray and a small gash on his cheek. His nose was red with the cold and a small cut, and his eyes looked as if he had been holding back tears. Tears? Was he crying? Even now, it seemed like a few were threatening to fall as his gaze lowered. A ghost of a voice wafted from his mouth as he replied, “Jimin.”
You winced. Remembering the glances the younger man gave you this morning, you should have seen a conflict brewing. Your friend wasn’t lying when he said he’d give Seokjin hell. Something must have broken out when they were on the slopes, or anytime you weren’t there with them. “Shit. I’m sorry.”
If you didn’t have that revelation with Rin and Taehyung, you would have been absolutely thrown by Seokjin’s appearance and the cause of it. But it seemed that both groups found out what he told you last night and neither were pleased with the result. What that result was, you couldn’t determine yet. But based on your own categories, “I got into Harvard” and “I’m moving back to Korea” fit in the Should Know box. The Deserved to Know box was still accepting applications.
“Come in.” Your fury had to simmer on a proverbial stove for the time being. “I have a first aid kit in my bag.”
You hurried him into the room before making a beeline for your duffle. The adrenaline built while you were fired up was still thrumming your bones like guitar strings. Nothing more was said as your bag crinkled with your rummaging, even though you wanted to just wring answers from his neck already.
But you couldn’t. You needed a moment to collect your thoughts, both the past woes you were fighting and your current worries.
As Jin awkwardly stood in front of your bed, you kept pondering. What the hell happened out there? How did it end up in a physical altercation? Did Jin fight back? It was already obvious Jimin initiated it, but you wondered if he sported any bruises, too. Not from Seokjin, though. Because you couldn’t ever see him throwing a punch. You were more curious about someone like Yoongi. The elder one was incredibly protective of Jin.
When you found the kit, you spun around to start tending to your ex’s face. “Bed,” you ordered, pointing towards yours with the first aid box. Your tone was harsh, but you weren’t holding it back.
The man was silent as he delicately sat on the comforter, and you instantly noticed how he refused to look at you still.
No matter. Treating his cuts was a priority, but that didn’t mean you weren’t going to force him into confrontation right after. Seokjin wasn’t going to have a choice.
Perching yourself next to him, you propped one leg up to steady yourself, clicking open the small kit next to you. It wasn’t as fancy as the one he carried along, but it housed the basics. Fetching some antiseptic and cotton first, you told him to turn towards you so that you could start.
And despite your anger, your exasperation, your frustration, the hands you lifted to Seokjin’s face were nothing but calm.
Throughout the time you dusted his cuts, you kept your gaze on his cheek, his mouth, his nose. A wall erected around you that you refused to take down. After all of the hurt Seokjin had caused, the turmoil he had put you through, it was pertinent you wouldn’t let him in. You had your soldiers’ arrows at the ready, directed right at his wounded face.
But if you so much as flitted your gaze toward his eyes, your walls would crumble to dust. Your gates would slam open in surrender.
Because having him this close to you after all this time was like coming home. And you harbored that feeling ever since the scent of his cologne consumed you. Your face hovered inches from his, your fingers gently pressing his features. All of the nights you yearned to be this close were so lonely and cold, and his warmth was tugging your heart by multiple strings.
His looming absence was hitting you deeply then. If you gave in only to lose him again, the pain would surely hollow out your soul until you were a mere shell of yourself. You wanted nothing more than to sink into the mattress and slip down into the soil underneath the lodge.
Suddenly, a hand cradled your cheek, and you shook on impact. Without thinking, you locked eyes with Jin, and it was then that you realized he was wiping hot tears from your face.
“If I’m the reason for these,” he whispered, “I’m sorry.”
Something strangled escaped you, and you finally caved. “You are,” you exhaled, unable to stop the tears from falling. “You really are.”
You tore yourself from the bed, instantly feeling the lingering warmth of his fingers fade. A chasm was created between you two: your chest heaving on one side and his face crumbling on the other. The mountain of thoughts and feelings you created broke down under pressure, emotions roaring down its slopes in a cathartic avalanche. “I’ve been looking like a fool this whole trip, and apparently everyone is feeling so fucking sorry for me. Why can’t you just tell me everything? What did Yoongi mean? What do I deserve to know? You told me you got into Harvard and have the audacity to say you aren’t happy? What the hell is that about? We’re supposed to be friends, so why am I feeling like you’re letting that all go?” You choked on your tears and clasped a hand over your mouth, a burn blossoming in your chest from the dry sobs.
Seokjin’s eyes ringed with a burgeoning shade of pink, both of his pupils glossed in guilt. “I’m not… I’m not letting that go, but--”
“But what, Seokjin,” you gritted out, “Please stop and just tell me already.”
“But I was too scared,” he admitted, “I’m still scared.”
“Why are you scared?” The question drifted to his face, and you could tell he was struggling to answer even that one. It pained you to be this close yet so far from the answer.
“Why are you scared, Seokjin,” you whispered again, realizing that his hands were shaking.
“Because…” You watched as he clenched them on his thighs, and he struggled to get the words out. “Because it’s going to happen again.”
Enough with the obscurity. Frustration reached a boiling point. “What’s going to happen again?”
“Exactly what happened last time!” Seokjin declared as his eyes pleaded with you, eyebrows furrowed and kneeling in anguish. The skin encasing his watery eyes remained that same dusty shade of affliction.
You couldn’t for the life of you understand what he was saying, until you remembered last night. When you asked him about the time he loved before.
Wait.
Your hand made a slow descent from your face as you matched Seokjin’s stare. A million words skittered across your eyes, transforming into liquid and sliding down your skin. You were sure you looked an absolute wreck with your tear-stained cheeks and reddened nose, but that didn’t concern you at all. The only thing you could hang onto was Jin’s words, just short of a confession.
But you had to be sure. You weren’t settling for five words that could mean a thousand other things while arranged the same way. “The one from before,” you more stated than questioned, “Where is she now.”
Seokjin never broke his gaze, doing an incredible job of keeping tears at the edges of his eyes. Heavy breaths caused his chest to swell with each pass. Voice low, he finally, finally caved, “She’s the one on the polaroid I have in my room.”
The entire conversation from last night struck you like a freight train. So many realizations hit you at once and you didn’t know how your trembling legs were keeping you upright.
It was you. He was talking about you.
Your coat smothered your limbs like a cage, your whole being rattling inside like an animal starved.
That was what he was truly hiding from you. That was what he had buried deep down into his chest. And you couldn’t blame him one bit after you realized it was exactly what you were holding from him, too.
No matter the reason, you still kept your own truth hidden. It occurred to you then that you couldn’t be angry - that would just be hypocrisy. There was bravery in confession, and even more so to someone you no longer were allowed to feel that way about.
You were the one that forced the truth out of Seokjin, and now you only felt like a coward.
Movement in front of you snapped your vision back into focus. He was getting up to leave. Why was he leaving?
“I knew this would happen,” he said, his voice strained. “I’ll go. I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable.”
Oh. He assumed your silence was from guilt. Guilt that you didn’t feel the same. And he was about to walk out with that egregious misconception. What an absolute fool.
But no matter how hard you tried, the words wouldn’t budge from the back of your teeth.
You had two choices here. One, you told him. You laid everything out and you admitted that you felt the same. Then tomorrow, he would leave your life and you may not see him again for years. And you tried this before - being in two separate schools and living different lives while holding onto your relationship. It obviously didn’t work last time, and you still saw him from time to time. This situation would be a thousand times harder.
Which brought you to the second option: you let him go. You let him leave without telling him how you felt. Rip the bandage off right there and then. Leave him to pursue his dream, and with that the freedom to go and find someone else to love. Was that what you wanted? Was this your own sick version of loving him? All the villains in the universe would applaud you as you lied to his face while telling him not to give up. How fucking cruel would that be?
“Seokjin,” you called out, and your chest subtly heaved when he turned to stone by the door. His broad back remained still as you took a step towards him, and only after you roamed your eyes over his shoulders did you notice small movements. But he didn’t face you. It was almost as if he didn’t want to.
Agony consumed your entire being as you made your decision.
You shut your eyes, clenched your jittering fingers into hard fists.
“See you at the campfire,” you whispered, your voice unfamiliar even to yourself.
The only response you got was the soft opening and closing of your door.
Compared to last night’s lion of a snow storm, tonight was but a mere cub. There were small flakes here and there taking their time to descend, and the fixtures from inside the lodge were the only light source beside the fire pit you were approaching downstairs.
Situated in the center of your friends, the flames danced across their jovial smiles as they passed bottles around. The drinks weren’t the lodge’s, but the ones you all brought and snuck out of the rooms - the telltale green glass was enough of a hint.
After Seokjin left, it took you a couple minutes to let everything out, and about thirty minutes crying into Rin’s shoulder once she witnessed your crumpled form on the floor. She listened to your recap of the conversation and Jin’s final secret, and through broken sobs you told her you couldn’t tell him yours. When she asked why, you told her your reasoning. When she called you an idiot, you wholeheartedly agreed and cried even harder.
But you still stuck with your decision. It was for the best. You loved him so much that you wanted what was best for him, and that was to let you go.
“Promise me one thing,” Rin murmured, earning a nod from you. “Only go through with it if you know you won’t regret it.”
A sharp pain sliced through you then, but you acquiesced. “I won’t.”
She then grabbed your Polaroid from the bed. It was Namjoon’s idea to bring it to the campfire once he heard you brought it on the trip. “Are you okay with this?”
“Yeah,” you gulped, regarding the old piece of the past with heavy eyes. Seokjin confessed to you with the help of that camera. You weren’t okay with the mere idea of touching it. “Yeah, it’s fine. I want everyone to enjoy themselves tonight, so. Yes.”
Even if that meant you suffered. This was Seokjin’s last trip with everyone, not just you. Why keep them from making good memories just because you were a walking dark cloud?
You reached the bottom of the rickety stairs, the squeaky noises catching the attention of the boys. Most of them raised their bottles to you, but you caught Jin staring at the fire instead.
If you got through this night in one piece, it would be a miracle.
Namjoon stood as you and Rin settled into your seats. “Okay. Since we’re all here now, I say we start.”
As everyone gave their cheers, the eldest just looked confused. “Start what?”
“Something for you,” Yoongi explained, his body already comfortable in his Adirondack. “Since you aren’t joining us for these anymore.”
“Ah, yah,” Seokjin protested, “You don’t need to do anything—”
“Don’t lie, you already love this,” Jimin cut in, all smiles despite the companion bruises and cuts on his face to Jin’s. “Although, your opinion may change in a second.”
Jungkook paused his leg bouncing to shout, “Let hyung explain!”
You smiled as the group settled, but noticed that Jimin was looking at you strangely. You didn’t have time to process it, though, since Namjoon headed things off while a bottle rested against his chest, “Jin-hyung. We just want you to know that we’re proud of you. Even though we may not see you for awhile, you’ll be in our hearts and on our minds. Starting tomorrow, you’re already Dr. Kim to us, so I say we all call you by name tonight.”
Laughter and claps filled the air, drowning out Seokjin’s weak protests.
Namjoon cleared his throat to calm the air, and you watched small flakes catch in his hair as he continued, “We’ll each do two things: give you advice, and ask for advice. Since you’re clearly educated, we figured you’d have a lot to say.”
“Oh, I’m just lucky.”
“And keep sharp, everyone. Miss Photographer over there will be taking pictures.” Namjoon nodded at you, and you gave a short smile while holding up the Polaroid. You were fine doing this; behind the lens was your safe space.
The boys and Rin slowly got through their questions and advice, and you were shocked by how insightful Seokjin was being. You never truly realized the magnitude of his intelligence. Every person around the campfire hung on his every word, and it didn’t help that you all took a swig after every good point he made - many, many times. You diligently fired away on your camera, making sure to get Seokjin with everyone so they could all have a moment captured with him.
When Jimin’s turn came, he shot you a glance before looking at your ex. “Jin. That sounds weird to say. Jin-hyung.” He looked at the ground before continuing, and you knew it was to compose himself. “My advice to you… Sorry,” he buried his head in his elbow for a brief moment. Yoongi looked away.
“I kinda gave you advice already,” Jimin trudged on, “And you took it. So, my next piece of advice would be to, uh, keep going.”
You were rooted to your chair. Seokjin didn’t spare you a single glance during that exchange, but you knew it was about you. It had to be how he ended up at your door earlier. He even said Jimin was the one responsible for his wounds.
“Thank you, Jimin,” Jin replied. “As for my advice to you, it’s okay to let people figure things out on their own. You don’t have to put it on yourself to be the one that keeps people together. If something ends up breaking, you’re going to think it’s your fault.”
Jimin regarded him with watery eyes before nodding and wiping his freezing tears. And when he looked your way, he saw you only looking at Seokjin. Your face was slowly cracking, and the shadows in your facade were exacerbated by the flames.
It was your turn; everyone else went. The Polaroid felt like a boulder on your thighs.
You blinked before setting the camera down and clutching your bottle. Since Seokjin was on the other side of the fire, you had to stand to see him, your tenseness on full display.
What could you possibly say in that moment that he wanted to hear? That he was willing to listen to? You were certain you took his heart and slammed it into the ground earlier. It would be better if you just didn’t say anything.
“Seokjin,” you started, pausing to collect yourself. “My advice to you is to forget the advice I gave you before.”
Several pairs of eyes looked at you then. Even Jin finally regarded you, the most aware of what you were referring to.
“What I’m trying to say is: it’s okay to give up sometimes, because not everything that you want to happen is going to happen. There will be times you will just have to let things go. And that’s okay. Because maybe letting things go would end up for the best.”
Jimin’s eyes bore into your soul. He sat so still that it put all the statues throughout history to shame.
Seokjin grabbed his bottle with both hands, elbows resting on his knees. “Interesting advice.” His eyes danced as they took in the warm flames. “I might even follow it.”
Both of your lungs threatened to give out at his words. Your hands almost dropped the glass you were barely clinging to, but you never looked away from Jin. It was as if your attention was chained to his body, your soul weighed down by his earlier confession and now his possible break.
If he followed your advice, shouldn’t you be happy? It’s what you wanted in the end, right? You would let him go, and he wouldn’t look back.
Snow drifted onto everyone’s chairs and the fire crackled in front of you. A small breath left you in a wisp of white. Warmth did its best to help you, but the cold was too strong. No amount of fire in the world could melt your icy conscience - you truly left Seokjin in the dark. He practically admitted that he loved you, and in return you gave him nothing. Of course he would consider your advice.
“But I like the sound of not giving up. It has a ring to it that exists beyond the sound it makes when someone says it,” he cut himself off, the silence deafening. Inside, bells rang in your head. What was he implying? Seokjin’s voice was as clear as blue skies when he continued, “So, I guess I’m stealing your advice and giving it to everyone here.”
Your gaze shifted to the side as everyone turned towards Seokjin. This was something you weren’t prepared to digest. Settling back down into your chair, you tried to even out your breathing and neutralize your shaking fingers.
Your feelings were warring with each other in a confusing battle. If you wanted him to follow your advice, why were you relieved when he said he liked not giving up? Did that mean you hoped he still waited for you? Years and years and years from now?
“Take it from me: don’t give up,” he advised. “But what I mean by that is to not give up until you’re happy.”
Guilt squeezed your eyes shut, clamping your lids down. He was going to wait. Love was the one thing he wanted to be happy. And you held your love for him tightly in your hands, behind your back and hidden from sight.
But even still, in the midst of your silent rejection, this man wasn’t letting go. Without saying the words, Seokjin was going to wait for you. Because he still loved you.
This was too hard.
“To being happy,” Jimin boisterously cheered, startling everyone and causing your bones to rattle. His glass remained high in the air, and everyone joined in with their own proclamations.
“To being happy,” you whispered alongside the others, quickly taking a swig.
Yoongi was the next one to pipe up as he declared, “Okay, now that all that’s done, let’s just drink for fuck’s sake.”
Amongst the laughter and “thank god”s thrown about, you quickly downed the rest of your drink like it was your lifeline. You needed more than liquid courage to get through the rest of the night. The camera by your feet was snatched up by Jungkook before Taehyung could get to it, and you prayed to every higher power that they kept it in one piece.
As everyone made their way back to their rooms, you noticed Seokjin joking and laughing with the others like normal. It was a continuation of the rest of the night, since after the advice conversation it was nothing but fun. Your Polaroid almost ran out of film, for one, but watching everyone fight over the photos was entertainment in itself. There were digs toward Jin until he turned red, jabs thrown at Jimin’s fragile emotional state, and Rin’s warm laughter coating everything in a soft glow.
And it was a bittersweet event. There was nothing more you wanted than to capture that moment and place it in a snowglobe. The world wouldn’t interfere with your friends, and none of you would ever leave.
Seokjin was about to head up the stairs to tuck in for the night. Full of soju and stupidity, you blurted, “Leaving already?”
He stilled before turning toward you. “Oh. Yeah.” He regarded you with a look you couldn’t completely decipher. “Long day tomorrow.”
“Right,” you replied, hating the sudden hollowness you felt. Or didn’t feel.
“Well… Good night.” Seokjin tapped the banister twice before heading up, and you softly wished him good night before speedwalking to your room. You were only tipsy, so the fast trip didn’t bother you. The camera in your hands kept your center balanced the whole way back.
By some strange miracle, you kept it together the whole time after everyone’s campfire speeches. You imagined yourself as an ice sculpture, surrounded by the guests of honor. Everyone gave you a glance and thought nothing else of you. They could only see composure and poise. Only when they got closer could they see you slowly melting, rivulets of remorse cascading down your entire frame.
Rin was in the middle of her skincare routine when you entered your room. As soon as she heard your footsteps, she made a noise indicating she had something to say. The product around her mouth didn’t let her yet, though. Which meant you had to wait.
You stood in the doorframe of the bathroom, vision spinning just a smidge. This was probably a talk you didn’t want to have, but you gave your friend her podium. It was only fair. Her serious talks were few and far between.
But she didn’t have much to say when she finished getting ready for bed. In fact, she only said three sentences.
“It’s 11 o’clock,” she stated plainly, her tone indicating she was done with the calmer approach. Bluntness was more her style.
“Okay?”
“We leave at 7 in the morning.”
“And?”
“It means you have eight hours to decide how you’re going to feel for the next ten years.”
Silence.
All you could respond with was silence.
Dead air. Sober. You were sober now. In that moment, you may have held your breath for a century. Too many thoughts flooded your brain, from past memories at a carnival to future images of an empty apartment with a bed fit for one.
It was stark. Blank. There wasn’t going to be a future with Seokjin, no matter what you said.
But when Rin put it that way, would you feel better if he knew the truth? Or would you keep this idiotic stance and lock your feelings away forever?
For the third time that night, your fingers rattled. Rin took them into her comforting palms.
“Go,” she murmured, and she smiled as she witnessed you burst into the hall.
Your strides were incredibly long as you hurried down the corridor. The doors blurred on either side of your vision, the pattern of the floor elongated with your fast pace. Your camera thudded into your chest over and over. Step after step after step got faster and faster as your anxiousness bubbled into your brain. The last turn before the stairs made you skid, and you rushed up the rickety steps. Your heart was thrumming, scratching at your chest to set it free.
When you got to his door, you were certain you woke sleeping neighbors with your rapid knocking. But you couldn’t stop yourself. Nothing could possibly stop you now.
You had no plan. There wasn’t time to think. All you wanted was to see him. All you could think about was letting everything out. Eight hours. You had eight hours.
Seokjin tugged the door open, pausing mid-swing when he saw your face. He looked so beautiful. Full of warmth. Like home.
“Jinnie.”
You didn’t mean to call him that, but you didn’t take it back. You weren’t taking anything back anymore. His eyes roamed over your features multiple times, searching for any indication that this was a dream. But it wasn’t. The words finally slipped from your lips.
“I’m not following your advice. Or my own.”
His eyebrows furrowed, but you pushed on.
“I’m giving up. But I’m giving up because I can’t let you go.” When Seokjin stared at you, it was impossible to look away.
His response came out in a rush, “What are you… what are you saying?”
“I’m saying I love you.” You huffed out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. “Damn it, I— I just love you. I love you so much it hurts.”
A shaky exhale left you at the look on his face. The quick descent into realization formed in the corners of his eyes, tears pooled at the edges before quickly streaming down his cheeks, collecting at the crux of his chin. Glassy orbs bore straight into your soul in search of answers, of truth. And if he wanted those answers, you already admitted the biggest one, so words were easier to come by.
“I’ve felt this way ever since our trip last year,” you started, slowly inching toward the wreck of a man. Not like you fared any better with the streaks forming on your own cheeks. “And I know it’s the stupidest thing to tell you now since you’re leaving, and we failed at long distance before, but--”
Seokjin breathed out your name, and his next words would stay imprinted in your mind forever. “I still want to try. And I’ll try as many times as you’ll let me.”
“I know. I know that now,” you whispered.
Passion and warmth bloomed in your chest, spiraling out into the far reaches of your limbs. Hundreds of nights imagining him accepting you again didn’t prepare you for this feeling. Nothing was holding you back; your walls came crashing down.
You finally broke and shielded your face in your hands, and you felt sturdy arms shield you from the world. The cruel, beautiful world that brought you two together right before he disappeared from your life again. You cried, and sobbed, and wheezed. The elation from his confession only magnified the pain of his departure.
You felt the weight of the Polaroid leave your chest as Seokjin lifted it from your neck. “Come inside,” Seokjin whispered into your hair, earning a hiccup from your chest. “Please.”
It was only then that you noticed you were still out in the hall. A small nod from you was all he needed to guide you into his room, and your throat constricted at the bags lying open on the bed.
Seokjin was already packing. Packing while thinking he was going to go through the same thing he went through last time. You felt absolutely sick. How could you even think of doing this to him? If there was a way to make it all up to him, you would do it. “I didn’t want to tell you before,” you confessed, burying your nose into his chest. “But that was wrong of me. You almost left without knowing. I’m so sorry.”
Strong, lean fingers traveled through your hair as your camera was placed on a table. The heavy clunk it made reached your ears, and a whisper followed. “I didn’t want to tell you, either. You don’t need to apologize.”
“If I told you earlier, we would’ve had more time. Now I’m just sad.”
“Look at me.” Jin caressed the back of your head, naturally lifting your gaze. His watery eyes took yours in, and he leaned forward to kiss the top of your hair. “We still have tonight, so if we’re going to be sad, let’s wait until after.”
“But you’re crying, too,” you observed, feeling slightly better from his words. How Seokjin was able to have that effect on you, you would never understand.
A light huff from him made you melt. “That’s because I’m so happy,” he confessed, softly laughing again and wiping his eyes with both hands.
He was happy. Seokjin was happy. You looked at the growing smile under his fingers, and you had no choice but to grin and join in his laughter.
Not because it was funny. But because it was unbelievable. You were able to gift him the last piece he was missing - he was finally able to find that happiness. How were you about to deny that from him? Now it seemed unfathomable.
When you looked at his hands again, you noticed there were lingering cuts. Worry washing over you, you cradled one in your palms and asked as Seokjin looked at you, “Should I take care of this, too?” Though the man had more than enough knowledge on playground injury care, you still offered because you wanted to be there for him in any possible way.
He replied instantly, “I took care of everything. Jimin, too. You saw him being his usual self earlier.”
“He said he’d give you hell if you didn’t talk to me on this trip. I didn’t think he would go this far, though.” You reached up to run a thumb along the small gash on Seokjin’s cheek, the blood drying into a deep red. “I’ll make him regret it later.”
Jin leaned into your touch, causing sparks in your skin. “Don’t,” he whispered, “He’s the reason I ended up at your door.”
You just nodded and lost yourself in the feel of his soft face. It was incredibly smooth under your fingers, even better than when you held his cheeks all those years ago. To think that this man loved you ever since then, and continued to do so until now, was unbelievable. But it was true, and no amount of words could account for how you felt about that.
Those eyes overflowing with adoration and affection were solely for you, and diving into them felt like being immersed in sunlit waters.
“Can I kiss you?”
The simple question took you by surprise, but you gazed at his lips. They only looked inviting, so who were you to deny him? “Please,” you sighed, and your eyelids closed shut at his pillowy touch.
Color sprang from your heart at his confession, but heat burst from your chest at his kiss. The moment his lips met yours, every worry wrapped around your conscience snapped in two. Vines of doubt, regret, and anxiety withered under the warmth of Seokjin’s touch. It was cleansing. Powerful. Searing.
A hand captured the back of your neck, and Jin took advantage of your gasp by dragging his tongue around the edge of your lips, a wordless plea to let him in. You gave in immediately, leaning forward and deepening the kiss, roping his tongue and eliciting a groan.
Heat rushed between your legs and you echoed his sound with a soft moan of your own. Unwittingly, your hands found their way to Seokjin’s chest and you reveled in the feel of him under the thin material of his shirt. Without breaking your lips from his, you skirted the cotton hem with your fingers.
Jin knew what you wanted, and his grin against your mouth only made you flush with desire. He broke from your lips to fully remove his shirt, and seeing his bare chest wiped the air from your lungs. You could only stare as you took in the lines of his solid build, wondering how the hell he had the time to achieve that look.
Seokjin smirked at your reaction, tossing his top and hauling the bags off his bed while you were taking time to process everything. “Do I need to charge you?”
You shook your empty head like a zombie. Your brain was currently mush, purely focused on the way his muscles rippled and slid against the confines of his skin. “No, don’t. I didn’t bring any money with me.”
Laughter erupted from the other side of the bed. After Seokjin placed the last bag on the floor, he straightened and clarified, “I meant plug you in. You seem to be buffering over there. Low battery?”
“Shut up and get on the bed,” you teased, shrugging off the coat you still had on. You didn’t even get to change since coming in from the campfire.
“Shut up and get on the bed, yes,” Seokjin fired back mercilessly as he sat on the comforter. He knew exactly how to push you. Even though you laughed, you made you way over to him and stood between his legs.
You were silent then. No matter how happy you were, his departure tomorrow was weighing on you. The time you had with him was short.
You wanted to make the most of it. Bringing your hand up to his face, you made sure to lightly skim over his gashes before mapping the rest. You wanted to ingrain every curve, every dip, every feature into memory. Every second was precious. The polaroid you had of him would still be no match for the real thing. If only you could capture the warmth of someone and keep it frozen in time.
Sure fingers clasped your hand, and Seokjin softly pulled you closer. Your first instinct was to rush in and hug him for dear life, and he immediately did the same to you, snatching the breath from your lungs and tugging tears from your ducts. You buried your face into his neck, inhaling his familiar scent and lamenting all the time you spent worrying over the smallest things.
“We don’t have a lot of time,” Seokjin whispered, squeezing your heart.
“I know,” you choked. You didn’t have much else to say.
“I just want to make sure we use it to do what you want.”
You loosened your hold on him, astonished by his consideration. The growing bulge under his pants was more than screaming his wants. You felt it ever since the first kiss. But even still, he wanted to accommodate you. Your needs before his.
It just made you fall for him even more.
Reaching down to skim your fingers along his cock straining against his pants, you hovered your lips over his neck. “I want you,” you whispered before descending upon the smooth expanse of skin and earning a groan.
Without warning, Seokjin tightened his arms around you. In one smooth motion, he effortlessly lifted you to straddle his thighs. You didn’t have time to think as he followed up with grabbing your head, pulling you down for another heated kiss. Your fingers latched onto his shoulders, scraping them when he thrust his tongue into your mouth.
“Don’t do that yet,” he grunted, and you didn’t need to ask why after feeling a twitch in his jeans.
You obeyed for the time being, cupping his neck with both hands. When you rolled your body against his, the hard feel of his stomach made you whimper. It was when you settled back on his hardness that your eyes widened. You were sure he was aching despite his silence. Maybe you could help him out a bit. “Jinnie,” you whispered, a firm hand on his chest, “Lie back for me.”
“I love hearing that again,” Seokjin admitted through a content smile, starting a fire across your cheeks. He leaned back after giving you another peck, and you plucked yourself from his thighs to take your shoes off.
But time was your biggest motivator to strip most of your clothes at that moment - not just your boots. Your pants were first, followed by your sweater, and finally your shirt. The whole time, Seokjin stayed propped on his elbows, watching you intently. He couldn’t hide the adoration in his eyes even if he tried. As he watched you stand there in nothing but your set, he smiled. “You’re beautiful.”
“Thank you,” you whispered in return. “Still not as great as you, though.” You started unbuttoning his jeans before he could defend his stance, and he lifted his lower body to help you shrug them off with his underwear. When Seokjin’s thick cock sprung free, your heart jumped at the sight. It had been so long since you felt it, tasted it, rode it. Was he thinking the same? Taking his velvety length in your hand for the first time in a long time, you felt a burst of confidence at its familiarity and his response.
“Baby,” he groaned, running a hand through his hair. “Please.”
You didn’t need another word. At the sound of the familiar pet name, you already started hovering over his cock, admiring how pretty it was before diving in. Licking around the head, you used the slick to glide your mouth far down his shaft, rolling your hand along the bottom to coat the rest.
Seokjin jolted at the sudden pleasure, and you felt a pang in your heart. You wanted him to remember this night. And you were much more experienced than you were before, though you would only get so much time to prove your growth.
Coming up for air, you used your hand to gather the rest of your spit and slide it down his cock, rubbing it a few times before diving down again. The stilted, garbled noises coming from your filled mouth were even getting your own underwear soaked, but they weren’t a match for Seokjin’s. His delicious grunts and moans sent you close to the edge. They were deeper than you remembered, and he wasn’t one to shy away from showing you how turned on and pleasured he was feeling.
The prominent veins of his cock were the roads along which your tongue traveled, and you made sure to love them all in between stuffing him fully in your warm mouth. He was so big, but you wanted to take every inch, tears welling in your eyes with your efforts.
You fought through even when you felt him rock the back of your throat. Seokjin took that moment to sit up, causing tears to leak fully down your cheeks at the deeper thrust. His hands dove into your hair, but he didn’t force your head down. Instead, they tugged you off his cock, and he gazed down lovingly at your wrecked expression. Jin’s voice dipped an octave and came out coated in sin as he asked, “Can you go a little more for me, beautiful?”
Your body tingled on instinct. You nodded and, when he smiled, you gripped his drenched dick in your fingers before descending your mouth onto his balls. Seokjin bucked his hips forward in a jolt as you grinned, lapping at his salty skin and delighting in the tremulous groans rolling down your back. Your hand squeezed the tip of his shaft before you straightened again, taking his cock captive without pause.
“Shit,” he grunted, his long fingers diving into your hair. His hands still didn’t push you down further, oddly, so you took the initiative and plunged down yourself.
The feel of his cock in your mouth was so familiar. It was almost second nature how easily you sucked him off, knowing when to hollow your cheeks and pull him further down the abyss of ecstasy. When to sink further and hum, ripping a delicious sound from his throat. Even when to bob and swirl your head around, effectively shutting down his ability to function.
It was then that you chose to really bring it home. You breathed through your nose as you took more and more of him in, even after you couldn’t breathe anymore. You felt your nose hit this pubic bone, and the long moan you got from Seokjin was worth the burn in your throat. His fingers tightened around your head, but when you came up gasping for air he didn’t stop you.
“Come here,” is all he said, tugging you up to straddle him again. A trail of saliva swung from your lips as you came up, but you paid it no mind. If anything, it added to the building lust inside your bones. Your panties were absolutely drenched by now, so dragging your core along Seokjin’s cock caused both of you to twinge. “Fuck,” he gasped, fueling your heat.
“Jinnie, please,” you whimpered, your voice hoarse. You wanted everything from him at once. You were getting impatient, and the overwhelming time pressure was stressing you the hell out. “I need you, please.”
Suddenly, everything stopped as Seokjin cradled your chin and swiped the spit from your lips. “You have me,” he assured you. “You have all of me.” He kissed your nose. “And you’ll have me for a very long time.”
Relenting, you leaned into his touch. “Now is what I’m concerned about.”
“I know,” he agreed before kissing you again. “I just wanted you to know the rest.”
“Okay,” you whispered before capturing his full lips with your own. When you felt him wrapping his arms around you, your heart leaped into your throat. When you felt him shift the both of you to lower you onto the bed, you already knew fresh tears were waiting behind your eyes.
With great care, Jin slipped your underwear off your smooth legs. Your bra was deftly unhooked next - not without an eyebrow raise from you and a wink from him - and tossed from the bed.
Staring at your naked form, Seokjin appeared completely lost in thought. It got to the point where you felt like covering yourself, but when you attempted to he swiftly denied any insecurity. “Don’t keep this from me,” he whispered. “I want to remember everything.”
You kept it together until then. Something in you broke and you softly choked on a cry. So he was thinking the same as you. This was the last night for a long time.
Starting from your shoulder, he kissed his way down along your neck, your collarbone, your chest. Taking one breast in one hand, he swirled his tongue around the nipple of the other. You gasped from the sudden burst of pleasure, which made Seokjin repeat the motion on the other side. He then lightly sucked on the nipple, releasing it with a small pop.
You wanted to close your eyes and lose yourself in the waves of pleasure he was giving you, making his way down your body. But you wanted to relive this night again and again. So you had to keep your eyes on him. Only him. His mouth’s searing heat as it kissed along your stomach, and the stark cold left behind when he moved on. His soft touch as he gently pried your legs open, and dark, lust-filled eyes as he stared at your dripping entrance. You wanted to remember the way he kissed along your legs, nipping in some places to make you gasp. The way his beautiful lips connected with your heat in a reverent kiss before his tongue explored inside. Each flick of his tongue, squeeze of his fingers on your legs, noise from his lips. How you loved him through every second of him worshipping you.
As soon as he brought his fingers up to caress your folds while sucking on your clit, you had to stop him. It was too much. You wanted to feel him when you broke.
Seokjin wordlessly obeyed as he crawled above you. You pulled him down for a kiss, not caring how he tasted. Your hands then went to his shoulders as he positioned himself at your entrance.
“Are you still…”
“Yes,” you nodded, touched that he remembered. “I’m still on it.”
“Okay.” He swooped down to capture your lips, and when you clenched your fingers around his shoulders, he grunted. “Are you okay to take it all?”
“Go slow. For now,” you said, earning a nod. “It’s been awhile.”
Seokjin’s gaze was heavy as he prepared himself. “Same.”
At the initial push, you whooshed out a gasp. It had been way too long since you’d been with someone. The intrusion indeed hurt. Maybe you should have let him prep you more, in hindsight. But Seokjin was nothing but tender as he waited for you to adjust. Once you were okay, he steadily pushed out and in again, going deeper. Slowly but surely, you were able to fully take him in.
And the feel of him completely inside you was nothing like you’ve felt before. It was comfort. It was home. It was a perfect fit, and you wanted to stay like that forever.
“God,” Seokjin groaned, “I don’t want to leave this room.”
You chuckled, rolling your hips. “Hmm, pussy or Harvard. That’s a pretty tough one.”
“If it’s yours, Harvard can wait,” Seokjin grunted before sending your thoughts spiraling with a huge thrust. You outright whined at him, but he pulled out only to spear you again with one long motion. “You still like it rough, baby?”
Chills cascaded down your spine and pooled at the apex of your toes. This was the Seokjin you were waiting for. You wondered if he was still into that after witnessing everything he was doing for you beforehand. But oh, were you ready for the pivot. “Fuck, yes,” you moaned. “You know I do.”
“You still have your word?”
“Carousel, yes.”
“Good girl.” That was all Seokjin needed. Grabbing the top of the headboard behind you, he launched into a rough and relentless pace that had you seeing stars. You felt so full, yet so weightless as you let your body go limp. The feel of Seokjin’s cock slamming into you repeatedly would continue to exist for months after tonight, the ridges of it sliding along your walls never forgotten entirely. You needed as much as he could give, and he knew that.
Gripping one of your legs, he hauled it over his sweat-slicked shoulder and tilted himself to reach a deeper position, twisting his reddened face to plant kisses on your ankle. Mewl after mewl tumbled from your lips at the deep thrusts.
“Touch yourself for me, baby,” Jin commanded while still pounding into you, and you wouldn’t dream of disobeying. Your fingers went straight for your jiggling breasts, teasing your nipples and tugging them for his blown out eyes. You moaned, and smirked when you saw Seokjin beginning to lose himself.
His tell was his scrunched eyebrows, and his eyes shifting down to watch his cock ram into your tight cunt. You still knew, after years.
You fell into complete ecstasy when he reached down with his free hand to rub your clit between your bodies, loving the way the veins in his arms protruded. Imagining licking along them all made you moan. And you didn’t care if the people around you heard. All of your mewls, moans, whines - they were all for Jin. He could have all of you again and again.
After one particularly deep thrust, he tugged his cock out, leaving your walls fluttering around an agonizing emptiness. “Turn around. On your knees.”
“Holy fuck, yes,” you rasped. He wasn’t letting the night go to waste at all.
Before you even assumed the next position, you felt a hand come down on your ass. The smack jolted you forward in pain, with pleasure settling in its wake.
“So pretty,” Seokjin whispered, ghosting his hand over the spot he spanked. He gave it another smack before gripping your ass cheeks apart. You assumed he was roving his eyes over your drenched core. “And still so wet.”
“Just for you,” you affirmed.
“Just for me,” he repeated before adjusting his knees on the bed to get closer. “But you might be too loud tonight, baby. I’m going to need silence from you this time.”
Shit. You were never, ever good at this part. But you nodded. What you weren’t expecting right away was the initial stroke to be rough, right down to the hilt. You cried out immediately, earning you a harsh spank.
Seokjin’s sudden laugh made you chuckle in embarrassment. He breathily joked, “Out of practice?”
“Something like that,” you admitted, your elbows and grin lost in the sheets. “I’m rusty.”
“Okay, let’s just do this then.” Jin leaned forward, stretching over you. You groaned at the feel of his solid chest on your soft back, your eyes rolling into your head feeling him completely mold into you for a moment. He got a fluffy pillow from the other side of the bed and let your head rest on it. “Can you bite this for me, my love?”
The new name spread wildfire across your face. “Yes. That I can do,” you assured him. When you had the material securely in your mouth, you nodded to signal he could continue.
“Good girl.” And continue Seokjin did. He went right back into the dominant Jin he loved being, and the one you loved being with. There was no mercy in his thrusts, stroke after stroke after stroke. If you lifted your back a little or lowered your butt, he smacked your supple flesh and corrected you instantly. “Ass up, baby.”
With Jin’s relentless pace, your body went limp and hung on by a thread. Loosening up allowed for even more of his cock, and your muffled moans started getting louder the closer and closer you got to the edge. You could feel your core tightening, threatening to unleash the pent up tension.
“That’s it, beautiful,” Seokjin praised, feeling your walls squeeze around him. “Do you want to come like this?”
You hastily shook your head. You wanted to see him when you came. And if you remembered correctly, he loved seeing your face when it happened, as well.
“Too bad,” he chuckled darkly, and you almost came undone right then. “Guess you’ll have to come again the way you want to later.” Reaching under you, he toyed with your clit as he kept the pace from behind.
You let go of the pillowcase as you kicked your head back in a moan, your saliva trail slowly gravitating toward the sheets. Seokjin only let you breathe for a second before pushing your head back down into the thin material. “Make noise again and you won’t come at all.”
Fuck. You bit hard into the pillow, tears forming at the corners of your eyes as you felt yourself losing control. His fingers felt divine on your bundle of nerves, his dick sliding through your folds over and over and over. The hand he placed on your head smoothed over your hair before bunching it and tugging. You reared back, dots swimming in your vision. “God, I want to choke you. Can I do that, my love?”
You released the pillow from your mouth again. His consideration was top notch tonight. Too much? You couldn’t decide or really care. “Yes, just do it. Do anything. Please. I’m so close.”
“Mm. Then cover your mouth.” Before you could follow his command, Seokjin pulled you up by a shoulder to be flush against his front. Sweat coated your back and your ass, causing you to slide down his chiseled stomach while speared on his cock. A strong hand wrapped around your throat, and the fingers that were teasing your clit mercilessly now ventured into the front of your folds.
One of your hands shot up to clamp over your mouth right before you let out a long groan. You loved when he took control, and when he lost control. If both happened at the same time, it was heaven.
You could barely last on your knees as his dick slammed up into you repeatedly. The hand around your airway was tight but only just, his praises in your ear being the real culprit of your stolen breath. Your pussy clenched harshly around his length, and you knew from the tight coil in your body that you were seconds from euphoria.
Seokjin felt it instantly. “Come, baby.” And as soon as he relinquished your throat did you give in, waves of pleasure coursing through you and a white burn shimmering in your lungs. It seemed endless. Ripple after ripple thrummed through your body, your joints slowly unlocking from their initial freeze. Behind you, Seokjin groaned and sang sweet nothings in your ear, his arms wrapping around your chest in a scorching embrace.
The high ebbed, but did not completely recede. You knew Jin still needed release, so you kissed his wrist next to your shoulder and whispered, “I want to see you now.”
“Whatever you need.” Seokjin slowly unsheathed himself, and you felt a slight pain. You watched as he positioned his back on the headboard. He knew what you wanted to do.
You made your way over to him and hovered over his length. Locking your hazy eyes with his dark set, you kissed him lazily as you languidly sank back onto him. Seokjin groaned when you didn’t use your hand as a guide beforehand. And frankly, that turned you on, too.
“You’re so tight still,” he grunted, his hands coming up and grabbing your ass before settling on your hips.
You rolled your hips before finding a rhythm. “You’re just big,” you mock complained, earning a deep chuckle.
“Aww. You sound. So. Sad,” he teased, thrusting up into you to punctuate each word. Your mewls were welcome now since he was done with his role. Now he could just sit back and enjoy your show for him. And occasionally torture you.
You found your rhythm again, rougher with him now with your hands in his dark, sweaty locks. One of your hands dropped onto his chest and raked down his breast, eliciting a higher moan than normal.
The sound caused heat to pool between your legs again, and you upped the pace. Your thighs burned from the exertion, but you kept yourself distracted by diving into Jin’s neck and nipping in multiple places. His arms left your hips to wrap around your back, and your breath faltered as he took over again.
Seokjin was close. He was always close when his limbs locked hard into place. His upward thrusts were fast and hard, and you could only moan in his ear and take him in. The coil that released once tonight was tightening again, and you murmured in his ear that you were close.
Seokjin only needed to kiss you like his life depended on it for you to unravel again. The wave was weaker than last time, but it could still cover mountains. Your head felt light, dancing above the clouds with no intention of coming down. You pushed yourself from his lips, allowing him to see your flushed chest and reddened cheeks. The second orgasm faded and loosened your limbs, but your heart felt completely connected to his, your soul nestled into the comfort of his tender embrace. “I love you,” you sighed, and you immediately felt a huge twitch between your folds.
“Lie down, baby. I’m close.”
“It’s okay,” you whispered, cradling his cheek. “Come inside me, Jinnie. I wanna feel you.”
“Shit,” he grunted. His thrusts descended into madness. Your heart rattled at the sight of his dusted red cheeks, sweaty neck, heaving chest. He was the most beautiful man you’d ever seen, and the one you would overturn stars to find should you ever lose him again.
When he gazed down at your joined sex, you took in the wet strands of hair on his forehead. When he kicked his head back against the headboard to look at you with lidded eyes, you bit your swollen lips. This wonderful man was your lover, your ex, your friend, and now your lover again. Only this time, you truly loved him back. And you wanted to think back to this moment forever.
Tears sprung into your eyes as he pulled you in for a searing kiss, and his orgasm released into you in spurts. The thrusts he made then were slow and powerful, and your body bobbed with the swells. You kissed him harder than necessary, almost willing to bruise your own lips on his. The longer you held his lips captive, the longer he couldn’t see your sorrow.
But Seokjin already felt the drops ping his chest. He just let you cry because that’s what you needed. Even when he broke from the kiss, he never said a word. He trailed kisses along your wet cheeks, your sweaty nose, and your glistening forehead. His poignant visage held nothing but stars, and it reminded you of the night you fell in love, crushing your spirit ever more.
Touch after touch after touch only coaxed more tears from your eyes. It felt never ending as you sat spent in his lap, still on his softening length. Sheer willpower was what caused you to finally speak, your voice hoarse, “We should clean up. You still need to pack and sleep.”
“We should, and I do,” he whispered. He patted your bum. “Can you get up by yourself?”
You nodded before extracting yourself from his firm thighs, lamenting the fact that human bodies had limits. As you waddled to the bathroom, you stumbled along the way, Seokjin softly chuckled while following you and steadying you when needed. Even when you shot empty glares at him, the smile in his eyes never left.
The rest of your time spent in his room consisted of silence and kisses. Ever the gentleman, he let you lie down on his bed while he used the other half for the bags to pack. It didn’t take him too long since he was organized from the jump, so when he was done he cleared the bed and joined you under the covers. When you felt a weight on your stomach, you looked down to see your camera dumped on the comforter.
Seokjin wrapped a strong arm behind your neck. “What do you call naked pictures taken with a Polaroid?”
“Oh, no.” You turned your head to face him. “What?”
“Just pictures. But that’s old nudes.”
You punished him by attacking his sides instantly, yanking a batch of honky laughs from him. Knowing your own weaknesses still, he unleashed his own parry, and it took a minute for the both of you to settle in a draw.
“Don’t tell me the only reason you brought this into the bed was to tell that horrid joke,” you chuckled, your head back to resting in your pillow.
“Nope. I wanna take one of us.”
After getting past all seven of your objections and excuses, Seokjin whittled your walls down and got you to agree. The end product existed on the last film in your Polaroid: a crooked snapshot of him kissing your cheek as you smiled with creased eyes, sheets held against your chest. And he conceded in letting you keep it after watching you clutch it lovingly in your fingers.
You immediately sought comfort in his embrace after setting the photo next to your phone on the nightstand, and he stole multiple kisses from you way after your eyes couldn’t stay open any longer.
“Get some sleep, my love,” Seokjin whispered.
And despite your sound of protest, you were pulled into the abyss of sleep right as you felt pillowy lips caress your forehead.
Rin-Rin [6:40am]: You’re lucky I love you. I packed your stuff and left out an outfit for you when you come down. Just don’t be late or I’ll drag you back down myself :)))
Jiminie [6:45am]: RISE N SHINE LOVEBIRDS
Rin-Rin [6:46am]: Oh, yeah, I may or may not have texted Jimin.
Jiminie [6:46am]: ABOUT TIME
Jiminie [6:46am]: !!!
Tae [6:47am]: jimins scream woke me up. i can only assume that means ill get to be an uncle soon. dont let me down i want this(:
Joonie [6:48am]: Aaaaaaaaaa !!!
Jiminie [6:48am]: And I know you want to yell at me for yesterday so I am ready for that whenever you are
Kook [6:50am]: <3
You smiled at your texts before locking your phone. Seokjin was already up and about, making sure everything was packed and accounted for. When he saw you stirring, he came over and surprised you with a kiss so deep that it revitalized your sagging emotional state. “Morning,” you chuckled, swinging your sore legs out of the sheets and wincing at the cold. “I need to head back down.”
“Yeah, Rin already sent the first round of threats. I’ll see you at the car, okay?”
You pecked him on the cheek after you slipped on your boots and grabbed your Polaroid. Stepping into the hallway, you kept reminding yourself to not completely lose it yet. There was still a whole car ride you got to have with him, and you were determined to slow down time however you could.
Your phone buzzed again, and you assumed Yoongi and Hoseok were just now waking up and getting the gossip. Checking your notifications only validated your guess.
Hobi [6:52am]: AHHHHH HAPPY FOR U~!!!
Hobi [6:52am]: ASLSKDJSKDHSKDJ
Yoongi [6:53am]: I’ll make sure to drag him back sometimes. It’s ludicrous to say that we’d never see him again. Drama queen. Anyways, happy for you. If you need anything, let me know.
Hobi [6:53am]: we’ll see seokjinnie again love. and if u miss him a lot then we can make sure you see him. im sure he’ll be missing u too
How you were able to win the friend lottery and meet these people, you had no clue. But you weren’t going to ever question the fact. All you would do was embrace your blessings and love them.
The car ride to the airport was long, but still much too short for your liking. Between the loving gazes you directed at Seokjin as he sang along to Taehyung’s music, the looks full of mirth Jimin gave the both of you from the backseat, and the laughter of both Rin and Taehyung, you were the happiest you’ve felt in a very long time.
Throughout the ride, you got the feeling that you were going to be okay. Seokjin was starting an insane adventure, but you were also going to be there every step of the way. Not just on the polaroid he decided to stash in his bag, but in his heart and on his mind like Namjoon said around the fire.
There were still plenty of ways to see each other and communicate. And since he technically didn’t start until next summer, that gave you plenty of time to see him before then. The many possibilities made you question your hesitation in the first place.
But none of that diminished how much of a struggle it was still going to be.
When the car rolled to a stop in the airport parking lot, your chest constricted. When everyone got their bags out of the cars and started the trek to the shuttles, your hands shook on your straps. As soon as everyone started saying their byes and separating to check into their airlines, you found it hard to breathe.
But a tender hand brushed through your hair, and plush lips connected with your forehead. In an instant, you felt okay again.
Seokjin’s calm voice slipped over your features. “Your flight leaves in two hours, right?” When you nodded, he continued, “Okay. Come shop with me before I have to go to my gate!”
You tried your best to keep a positive attitude while you watched Jin peruse different airport stores. When he would hold stuff up for you to approve, you would smile or dramatically turn things down. Even the cute neck pillow he really wanted got the dreaded rejection.
But that was only so you could pay for it when he wasn’t looking and surprise him. The huge laugh and grin you got in return was worth the trouble.
When it was time for Seokjin to head to his gate, you brought him in for a crushing hug. “Let me know when you land,” you demanded.
“Of course, honey,” he said through a smile.
“‘Honey,’ now?” You regarded him with a raised eyebrow. “You have so many nicknames for me. I can’t keep up. Do you have a favorite you could stick with?”
Seokjin rested his chin on your head. “Ah, I have a favorite. But it’s not true yet, so I shouldn’t use it.”
A fire ignited in your heart, the flames warming you from the inside. “And which one is that?”
“Would you look at the time!” Jin’s body heat left you in a rush as he stepped away, and your instinctual pout made him laugh outright. He cupped your chin for a kiss that rocked your whole being before pulling away. His eyes held galaxies in them when he stared into yours. “Guess you’ll have to wait for the answer to that one.”
“You’re a jerk, Jinnie,” you huffed, but you kissed him again. “You’re lucky I love you.”
“I really am. And I love you,” he responded. His hand came down to squeeze yours before he had to part. “I’ll let you know when I make it. Call me when you get home, okay?”
“Okay,” you replied, and you watched his long strides with a heavy heart and a hopeful mind.
As you told yourself again and again, you were going to be okay. It was going to be tough, it was going to be absolutely painful. But as long as you decided to keep loving each other, everything would work out.
You knew better than anyone that love was a choice. And for Seokjin, you would choose it a thousand times over.
And besides, the current state of technology was on your side. The possibilities of communication were too endless for you to dwell on the distance. Were there going to be days in which you only received one text? Most likely. Were there going to be weeks where you weren’t going to hear much from Seokjin at all? Definitely. But this time, unlike last time, you welcomed every bit of it. Your heart built a bridge to his that defied any sense of physical distance. On opposite sides, both of you were achieving success in your own ways. In the end, you would always come back to each other to celebrate together. Even though this was the last November trip you had with Seokjin, it was the beginning of many, many wonderful years to come.
It was later, while you were waiting for your own flight to finish boarding, that a message was sent to your phone.
Jinnie [12:04pm]: Attachment: 1 Image
You couldn’t help but grin. As you gazed lovingly at the picture of Seokjin smiling next to your polaroid, another one came in before you could respond.
Jinnie [12:05pm]: Until you’re really next to me, this will have to do. Don’t get too jealous!
You laughed to yourself, rolling your eyes while setting the image as your wallpaper. Locking your phone, you tapped the glass to see your screen light up, observing the picture again.
On a plane heading to another city entirely, Seokjin was doing the exact same thing. Except in his case, he was smiling down at a girl caught in mid-laughter, body aglow from the bright yellow lights of a spinning carousel behind her.
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a/n: whewww so if you made it to the end, hi! i seriously enjoyed writing this and i learned so much. it’s my first fic and first huge one-shot, so if you have any comments/concerns/constructive feedback, please let me know! my ask box is always open, too. lastly, here is my m.list if you want to browse! 🌨🌨🌨 ++ feedback box (added nov. 25th, 2021): ⇥ of course, any reblogs/comments/messages are appreciated! ⇥ for the ones that aren’t okay with reblogging with a review, commenting on this, or sending a message, i went ahead and made another anonymous form where you can send in what you think! ⇥ no emails collected, no need to put in a username. it’s literally just a feedback dropbox :D ⇥ here! ++ ⇥ masterlist
#seokjin x reader#seokjin smut#seokjin x you#bts imagines#bts fanfic#seokjin angst#bts smut#bts angst#ryenwrites#member:seokjin#lastnovember#last november#ryen writes#seokjinsmut#hope you guys enjoy this one!#i know i said the 15th#but i was pretty excited#and finished the editing today!#ficswithluv#UPDATED MARCH 27TH 2021!!!
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20 Years Ago Pt 1
(Kyalin)
Kya stood back with a grin. She did it. Despite her mother's doubts she had successfully pulled off the perfect highschool reunion. People were chatting, dancing and congratulating her.
"Well Kya, you did it." Her bother said, standing beside her with a glass of punch.
"Don't drink that," she said, "it's spiked."
"How do you even know that?" He asked looking into the cup.
"Waterbenders intuition." She lied. Truthfully, she had been the one to spike it.
"Look," Tenzin said, gesturing to the door."
"Hmmm?" She turned her head, her brows furrowing. Lin Beifong.
"What is she doing here?" Kya asked, she knew for a fact she didn't invite her.
"I asked her to come," Tenzin explained, "she doesn't get out a lot and well, I thought it'd be nice for you two to see each other." Kya rolled her eyes. She had no business with Lin, and the idea her brother thought otherwise was stupid.
"I have nothing to say to her." Kya stated, taking his cup and downing it.
"It seems like you do." Tenzin replied, letting his sister walk away.
Kya huffed, sitting down at her table, two cups of punch in her hands, both of which were for her. It seemed everyone here was having a good time, except her. She couldn't help it, Lin's prescence set her off.
"How am I supposed to enjoy myself when she's lurking around?" She spoke to herself, taking a drink from the left cup.
"Still talking to yourself, I see." Lin said, sitting next to her.
"Still condescending, I see." Kya mocked, finishing one of her drinks. Lin reached a hand over, grabbing the other one.
"Thats mine." Kya said. Lin raised an eyebrow, keeping eye contact with the older woman.
"Then take it." Kya looked at her quizzically, Lin had a sadistic grin on her face, like she was enjoying Kya's anger.
"No." Kya replied, "you have it. On me." Lin smirked, placing her lips to the cup and downing the whole thing her face unraveling in a look of disgust.
"Thats so sweet." The metalbender groaned.
"Some people like sweet things." Kya retorted. Lin sighed, glancing to the stage.
"You know, we're kind of old to be doing this." Lin said.
"I think I know how long to hold a grudge." Kya replied, refusing to look her in the eyes.
"Raava, Kya do you even remember what you hate me for?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
"Then enlighten me."
"It was my senior year, you promised to come with me to prom, we had it planned and everything. Then someone started dating my brother and ditched me to give a blow job behind the bleachers. I had no other friends Lin, everyone hated me for... well, you know, and you just... you left me alone. To be ridiculed by my entire grade. I had to leave out the back door because by the end of the night I was covered in punch and didn't want to be seen by the cameras."
"Okay, wow. First of all, it wasn't a blow job." Lin started, "second of all, I didn't mean to leave you. I just didn't know how long it would take."
"Oh my God, Lin, do you not hear yourself?" Kya asked, "you left me alone on my night to fuck my brother. Dick move, by the way."
"I wasnt fucking your brother!"
"Right so he let everyone believe that you and him fucked for the rest of the year?"
"Yes!"
"Really? You think I'm that stupid?"
"Kya, ask Tenzin. We didn't do anything that night, I didn't have the guts too. I never intended for he and I to do anything but he got ahead of himself and told all his friends so I told him not to worry about it." Kya looked away in disbelief.
"If that was true, why didn't you tell me?"
"I tried, you were so upset and 'banned me from the island. I asked that idiot arrowhead to talk to you but I guess he never did." Kya stared at her, unsure of what to make of this. Lin had lied before, but she seemed so sincere... stop. Remember how you felt.
"I'm not listening to this. I have a speech to give." Lin slammed a fist on the table and let Kya go. The watsrbender made her way to the stage, motioning for the crows to gather.
"I just want to say how happy I am everyone could make it today." She began, "it's been a long time since we've seen each other and I have to say I'm absolutely thrilled with the people you have all become."
"I'd like to say something!" Kya looked down at the speaker, he had a hat on, a jersey for some pro bending team and awfully greasy shorts. Roy Cavanaugh. The idiot who had splattered her with punch on prom night.
"Well I'm not really-"
"Roy! Roy! Roy!" The crowd chanted.
"Fine," Kya caved, "come here." He climbed onto the stage, taking the mic from her and holding it a little to close to his mouth.
"Can I just say," he started, "had I known you were gonna look like that when you were older I would've been nicer to you." Kya pursed her lips.
"Thats enough-"
"With that being said, are you still a dyke? Because I'd like to show you my-" Kya took the mic from him, staring at him angrily. Laughter mixed with awkward silence. She stared into the crowd, their familiar beady eyes focusing on her. Passing their judgment and she realized then and there she didn't want this reunion to see people, she wanted closure.
"Roy," she said, "you're an idiot. You always will be. Maru," she directed to his wife, "he cheated on you. Multiple times with Christine. Blonde hair, two girls down. Yeah that one." Roy looked at her, his eyes begging her to stop.
"Also," she said, "we all know it was you who shit on the floor during gym class. Everyone did. Just some of us were decent enough human beings to spare you that guilt. Now get out of my party." He jumped off the stage, his friends no longer sticking beside him, his wife ignoring his call.
"Oh to answer your question," Kya called before he left, "I am still a dyke. And that's not going to change for any of you." She smiled, satisfied with herself. She caught a glimpse of Lin who had a look on her face that resembled a smile. She dropped the mic, marching down the stage steps with gusto when she fell backward and collided with the steps.
"Kya. Kya. Kya, wake up." Kya's eyes batted open, pushing past the pulsing sensation in her head.
"Where am I?"
"The school gym."
"Why?"
"You slipped. Hit your head pretty bad." Lin said, pushing her down when she tried to sit up.
"Wheres Tenzin?"
"Jinora got sick, he went home. He sat here with you though, for an hour."
"How long was I out?"
"Three hours."
"Three hours?!" Kya tried to sit up, but her head refused her.
"Stop moving so much, just lay on this." Lin took off her coat, bundling it up and placing it under her head.
"Where is everyone" Kya asked.
"They went home. After your speech and... trip, I guess they decided they didn't deserve to be here." Kya snorted, taking the water Lin offered her and holding the freezing ice to her head.
"That works too," Lin said, moving beside her.
"Why did you stay?" Kya asked, moving her eyes to Lin.
"I am a police officer, it wouldn't look good if I left an injured person here."
"Oh." Kya said, trying not to sound disappointed.
"But also... I wasn't done talking earlier."
"You? Lin Beifong had more to say. I'll be damned." Lin laughed slightly before taking a deep inhale.
"I'm sorry, for everything." She said, "what I did to you that night, it wasnt fair." Kya smiled reaching her free hand to Lin's and holding her leg.
"Can I be completely honest with you?" Kya inquired.
"Of course."
"I think I over reacted, just a bit."
"Oh really?"
"Yes, now shush. I... I had feelings for you, back then." Kya admitted. She felt herself blush, and immediately regretted everything she had said.
"Kya, I know you won't forget that night and the trauma it caused you, but you shouldn't know I never meant to hurt you. I didn't go because I was scared. I made these other plans because I didn't want people to see me with you and-"
"You were embarrassed of me?"
"What? No, God no... Kya I didn't want people to see me with you and talk because I knew that if we danced, or shared a drink, I'd have to confront the part of myself that liked you, too. And if that was true then what other rumors were?" Kya looked at Lin in disbelief. All this time, all this hatred she had kept for Lin when the true enemy was fear. She pushed herself up, leaning against the wall and putting the ice next to her.
"Lin," she spoke softly," I'm sorry. You shouldn't have had to feel that way. If I pressured you or-" before she could finish, Lin's lips met hers. She was taken aback by how soft Lin's lips her. The Beifong kissed with so much emphasis and emotion Kya had to pull away for a moment.
"Lin..." she whispered, "you have no idea how many times I thought of this moment."
"I think I do," Lin replied, "I thought of it everyday for the last 20 years." Kya grinned, pressing her forhead against Lin's before wincing in pain.
"You're in pain." Lin said, pulling away.
"No I'm fine just a little headache." She winced again and Lin moved to her knees, standing up and offering her hand.
"Come on." Lin said.
"This unnecessary really Lin-"
"You can't stand, can you?" Kya shook her head. Lin side, bending down and reaching one hand under her shoulders and the other under her hips. She pushed, taking Kya in her arms with a grunt. Kya blushed when Lin met her gaze, doing her best to keep her head up.
"Are you going to carry me all the way back to the island?" Kya asked.
"Maybe. I was going to put you in the back seat of my satomobile."
"That works." Kya replied. Lin carried the Waterbender out of the highschool gym, Kya stifled a chuckle at the disaster her party had turned into. At least she'd missed most of it.
Kya had fallen asleep on the drive over to the docks, waking up briefly to get on the ferry before passing out again on the railing. Lin must've carried her all the way to the temple because when she finally came too, she was on the couch in her childhood home.
"Well, she might not remember that part." Kya blinked her eyes open, seeing her mother and Lin sharing tea over the coffee table.
"Good morning." Katara said, getting up and putting a hand to her daughters head.
"What time is it?"
"Six."
"In the morning?" Kya exclaimed. As if on cue Lin opened the blinds, revealing the sun as it peaked over the horizon.
"Lin caught me up, dear," Katara said, "you had a minor concussion, nothing I couldn't fix. But please take it easy okay?"
"Yeah, thanks, Mom." Kya pushed herself up, accepting the cup of tea Lin handed her.
"So, how big of a fool did I make of myself?" Kya asked, rubbing her eyes.
"Eh, I've seen worse. If they didn't remember you before, they do now." Kya sighed, taking a sip of the tea.
"Well it is what it is." She whispered. They sat in silence for a moment before Lin stood up.
"Where are you going?" Kya asked, motioning to follow her.
"Relax," Lin said, pushing her back onto the sofa, "I'm just going to bathroom."
"Oh."
"Was the whole night not enough time to catch up?" Lin asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Well no, I was passed out for most of it." Lin chuckled slightly and Kya blushed again.
"Then I'll be right back."
"Okay." Kya watched her go with a longing look in her eye. She looked back to her mother who shook her head with a dumb grin.
"Oh stop." Kya scolded.
"I didn't say anything."
"You didn't have to."
"She stayed awake the whole night you know." Katara said.
"That doesn't mean anything."
"Whatever you say, dear." Kya pursed her lips, looking back in the direction Lin had disappeared to.
Well shit.
#legend of korra#lin beifong#kyalin#avatar the last airbender#suyin#kya ii#kyalin ff#enemies to lovers#soft at the end
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can you Please write the scene with bakugou's piercing SGDHEFEH the concept is too funny to me !!!
anon you’re lucky 報復性熬夜 is a concept i am firmly attached to so here i am at 1 am rattling this off instead of getting my beauty sleep. please excuse the standard of writing as a result
by the second day, katsuki is seriously considering agreeing to todoroki’s earlier and ambiguously sincere proposal that they play i spy.
he doesn’t know what it is about this particular job that’s so unbearable. no, scratch that- of course he knows what’s unbearable; it’s sat right next to him on a too-small chair in their too-small room staring impassively out of a too-small window. but he’s been thrown into so much shit with icyhot you’d think he’d developed some kind of immunity by now, the way vaccines microdose you on viruses so you can resist the real thing. call katsuki an antivaxxer, he guesses, because he has overdosed on todoroki ever since he met the asshole and he’s still not ready for how far up the wall he’s driving him when they’re stuck together for two straight days without a breather or any contact with the outside world.
cards on the table: stake-outs aren’t his thing. he does them just fine, fuck you very much, but he doesn’t like ‘em. why would he? they’re some ungodly blend of extremely boring and extremely tense, where nothing happens right up until way too long into it and then everything goes to shit unprompted. it’s rare he ever gets called in on jobs like this- people tend to assume he lacks the temperament for it, for one, and for another he’s too useful to lock away for days on end. it’s only because their suspected target is so insanely volatile and dangerous that it’s the two of them waiting for her to show her ugly face- no one else is even allowed in the perimeter. which is fucking fine, but he just wishes the cops would get their shit together for once and actually have the proof ready by the time they call the pros in so he doesn’t have to wait before he goes in guns blazing. instead they talked some bullshit about how critical of a stage this was and blah blah fifteen years of (obviously mediocre) work had gone into setting this trap, etc etc. the point is that it’s led to katsuki stuck in the world’s most disgusting little apartment, staring out of a splintered window for two-going-on-three days with no one but the world’s most annoying prodigy to keep him company. the place is such a dump they’re sleeping on mats in sleeping bags. it’s like fucking UA summer camp, and at this point he’d take the kidnapping over the waiting.
day one wasn’t so bad, right up until he realized there would be a day two. day two is bad from start to finish. they’re supposed to take turns on watch but there’s fuck all else to do except sit on their phones, and katsuki can only quote tweet so much dumb shit before he gets bored. he can’t talk to anyone outside because of confidentiality bullshit, and there’s no point checking work shit when he can’t do anything from where they are. so it’s either silently watching the warehouse or talking to todoroki, and todoroki is a fucking terrible conversationalist.
the thing with icyhot is this: katsuki doesn’t hate him, okay. like, he hates him, but also not really. they’re, at a push, maybe, sort of, friends. verging on close ones. not that he’d say so, but after the amount of dramatic self-sacrifices and final stands against a joint enemy they’ve endured he can’t really muster the energy to argue otherwise. todoroki’s tolerable, sort of maybe. usually katsuki borderline likes working with him, because if nothing else he’s good at what he does, and they know each other too well to be anything but in sync in the field. if they were doing almost anything else he’d be relieved at the choice of pairing.
they are not, however, doing anything else, and todoroki still fucking sucks at talking like a normal person. when he’d woken katsuki up for his shift of night-watch he’d loomed over him ominously like a fucking ghoul and said, voice belying no humor: “do you think plants can feel pain?”
there’s fucking nothing to talk about. anything interesting is essentially vetoed because it’d inevitably distract them from the whole intent observation thing, and katsuki hates small talk on a normal day but especially when todoroki’s doing his ‘alien attempting earth dialect’ bit and asking him about weather or the tokyo transportation system or whatever. so they just sit in semi-silence and occasionally go on very stupid tangents katsuki is glad no one can witness and remain overall bored out of their fucking skulls.
by day three they’ve already exhausted i spy and also the alphabet game and hangman, and katsuki draws the line at tic-tac-toe. todoroki looks implacable as always but his eye has started twitching a little. katsuki tries to think of literally anything that could plausibly take up their time and not take their eyes off the window, comes up short. twister is not a good idea even ignoring their lack of a board. shop talk is so very tempting, but he’s not losing this villain and wasting two days’ suffering because they get carried away on some long-winded discussion, so that’s not an option either.
“how’s your ear?” todoroki says, and at first katsuki thinks he’s really fucking lost it if he’s started asking after the wellbeing of his individual body parts, but then he remembers the last time they saw each other katsuki was throwing himself into the path of some jackass with a trumpeting quirk who nearly blew out his eardrum, so he guesses half ‘n half’s not entirely insane yet. he shrugs, shifts in his chair.
“fine. couldn’t hear shit from it for like three straight days, though. and my balance was fucked.”
“it hasn’t scarred at all.”
“yeah. lame place for a scar,” katsuki says, flexing his fingers absently. they’re all of them more roughed up than they were at UA, but talent and good healers have kept him mostly intact, give or take a few big nasties like the time he got gutted in first year or his near loss of an eye around graduation. privately he suspects genetics have dealt him a good hand, what with his gene donor’s perfect skin, but then todoroki doesn’t have that excuse and he’s not scarred anywhere ugly except the obvious, though katsuki could point blind to most of the nasties he’s accumulated under his suit.
not that he thinks about what’s under todoroki’s suit. god, he needs to get out of here.
“i don’t know,” todoroki is saying now, thoughtful. “a lot of people have ear-scars, no? from piercings.”
“that’s different,” katsuki says, immediately contrarian, even as he thinks about it. by the warehouse a truck stalls, but then moves on, lessening his momentary excitement. “most people don’t let that shit heal. unless you’re a moron there’s no point getting a hole jabbed through your ear if you’re not sure you want it.”
“would you?” todoroki asks, mildly curious, and taps his ear where katsuki can see him in the window’s reflection. “get a piercing, i mean.”
“what’s it to you?”
todoroki rolls his eyes at him like he’s being pointlessly difficult, which he maybe is a little. “i don’t know. i think it would suit you.”
“yeah?” katsuki sniffs, mollified and trying not to show it. it’s always a mistake to let icyhot know when his obvious ploys are working. “been thinking about it?”
“i can hardly sleep at night for thinking about it,” todoroki deadpans, which makes katsuki scowl and stomp down on the extremely unwarranted flush crawling up his neck in response.
“fuck off. i guess i’d do like one or two.”
“really? you always say no to tattoos.”
“that’s different. i don’t trust some asshole to draw a fucking infinity sign on my knee or whatever. sticking a hole through an ear is hard to fuck up, and you barely register it after. if you get a shitty tattoo you have to think about it all the time.”
“if it’s easy then why don’t you have any?” todoroki asks, but he sounds genuinely curious more than like he’s trying to catch him out, so katsuki thinks about it honestly.
“don’t have the time. ‘s not like i can really afford to pencil in an afternoon to the nearest parlor or whatever just for that.”
“i read you can pierce your ears with a needle.”
“i guess i haven’t fucking thought about it that much, then,” katsuki grumbles, forever irked by todoroki’s smart mouth. problem solver his ass. the guy goes around making problems for everyone.
they sit in silence for a beat, watching the breeze rattle the wooden planks barricading a window opposite them, and then he thinks needle, and does some very quick mental arithmetics to reach the conclusion that todoroki is probably also landing on, judging by the way he blinks when katsuki briefly glances his way.
he thinks about the job, and how close he’d come to throttling todoroki during i spy, and the great dawning nothingness ahead of them for fuck knows how long still. at the very worst, they have to start moving with a needle in his ear.
“pass me your medikit.”
todoroki does, but when katsuki unzips the pack he shifts. “it’d be easier if i did it.”
“it’s not rocket science,” katsuki mutters, considering the needle critically before glancing back out of the window. “'s not like i give a shit about precise location.”
“i’m just saying i wouldn’t have to go in blind. and you can keep watch while i do it.”
“or you can keep watch while i do. same shit.”
todoroki only shakes his head, because unlike some people who shall not be named he is not so incredibly psychosexually attached to offering help where it isn’t wanted. “fine.”
katsuki eyes the window, squints at his ear. tissue’s the best bet- he thinks he could probably manage cartilage fine, but on the off chance they have to drop everything and run he doesn’t want to accidentally snap a bone and start the fight inconvenienced. lobe it is.
“wait,” todoroki says, just when he’s focused, and then reaches over without removing his gaze from the window to press two fingers to the needle, tip going blisteringly red-hot before he releases it. cauterised. their kit’s sterilised anyway, but katsuki grunts his begrudging thanks, repositions himself.
“wait,” todoroki says again, and this time katsuki can’t help but turn to glare at him where he’s still watchfully staring outside.
“fucking what, icyhot?”
“two seconds,” todoroki promises, gaze flickering his way for half a second with something like self-effacing amusement before he turns his eyes dutifully away and reaches his other arm around to pinch his ear, which flares cold so quickly katsuki hisses even as his cheeks heat. fucking weirdo.
“could’ve just said,” he mutters, ignoring his not at all jumpy pulse to refocus on the task at hand as todoroki does that obnoxious lip-twitch thing that means he’s smiling internally.
physics dictates that he keep his wrist at an angle if he wants the needle to come out right, so he does, braces and jabs. it goes so easy he almost doubts his own success, not even the slightest twinge of pain ensuing. he twists for good measure, removes the needle, watches tiny beads of blood emerge from the piercing.
well, that was anticlimactic, katsuki thinks, retrieving an anti-bacterial wipe for the needle, and then pauses, staring at the window.
“motherfucker.”
“what?”
“what the fuck am i supposed to put through this?”
todoroki’s mismatched eyes go gratifyingly wide in the window, and for one spectacularly braindead moment two of the world’s most outstanding pro-heroes stare at one another in a shitty broken window with equal amounts of retroactive dismay.
“um,” todoroki says, or as close to ‘um’ as todoroki will ever say. katsuki wishes dearly he was still of an age where he could throw him through a wall. then his eyes focus elsewhere, sharpening with what could pass as professional focus but is mostly naked relief. “um.”
um in-fucking-deed. by the warehouse, a door has just opened a sliver.
“you owe me a fucking earring,” katsuki declares, but so fast it lacks any aggression, already halfway out the window by the time he finishes speaking, atrophied limbs reviving with an ecstatic chemical burn as fresh air hits their faces.
god. if he ever gets stuck on stake-out duty again he’s sleeping by himself under a parked car or some shit.
they make disgustingly quick work of the fight, in the end, days of pent-up frustration and skull-numbing boredom leaving them so bursting with power that it’s almost embarrassing for the villain, but when the first kow-towing police officer reaches them full of praise and suggestion that they handle another job he has queued up they chorus a ‘no’ so violent the guy actually jumps.
todoroki’s not so bad, katsuki thinks fondly, watching his face slide into frigid blankness with absolutely no idea of how shitless he’s scaring the officers around them. it’s almost enough to make him forget to kick his ass for the enormously shitty banter he’d had to endure vis-a-vis his still-bleeding ear throughout the entire tragically short fight.
almost. not quite. who even knew there was a ‘gay ear’?
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Burnt Bridges
Summary: Once a bridge has been burnt down, can it be rebuilt? Set after party / exposure of Lewis (Ch 15) Pairing: Ayna Seth x F!MC (Kennedy) Rating: M (NSFW) Word Count: 6k+ Notes: That turned out to be a lot longer than I expected. Also, I'm not very into writing smut, so I apologize if that's unfulfilling. This is my (very messy) take on how the reconciliation should've played. I wrote this mainly to sort out the very conflicting feelings this plot brought me. Enjoy. Dance away your troubles, that's how the saying goes, right? As far as Kennedy is concerned, that's how her evening was going, and she was enjoying every minute of it. She was almost happy, what with such a huge weight lifted off her shoulders. It felt good to be carefree again, if only for tonight.
The man behind the paranoia that her life had turned to was thankfully incapable of harming her any longer. At least that's what she was intent on believing for the moment. Maybe things would turn out not to be so simple but, for now, she was satisfied.
This rollercoaster of a day had started out like just any other day until she came knocking on her door, claiming to have an idea of how to help the Rutherlandian catch the person who’s been setting her up.
Ayna Seth.
Kennedy never felt so confused by anyone else in her life.
She had met Ayna at Vancross and they had hit it off from the beginning. She felt at ease in Ayna's presence, the elder woman had a power to make her feel like she could just be. It calmed and soothed Kennedy at the same rate it thrilled and excited her. Even when the press was breathing down her neck and her mother wouldn't get off her case, Ayna never wavered, and Kennedy felt blissful to have found someone she could count on. That is, until she found out that Ayna was the one helping set her up. That day Kennedy found out what it meant to feel gut punched. Heartbroken. Devastated.
Ayna sold her out, pure and simple. But she was also the woman who kind of sold herself out to help Kennedy get her life back. Ayna risked her reputation, her job, her relationship with her father and her own safety by posing as bait to draw Lewis Wright out. Kennedy couldn't ignore that, could she? Ugh- that was messy.
I need a little break, she decides, unable to get Ayna out of her head now that the woman has intruded herself. Finding a secluded spot at the bar where she could lay low for a while, she motions to let Dionne know she's going for a drink. And that’s exactly when her eyes catches Ayna's. Would the woman think she was being invited there? Kennedy couldn't tell and she simultaneously wished for and against it.
She approaches the bar and orders another one of those flaming drinks Dionne got her earlier. The bartender sets to fill her order and by the time Kennedy is putting out the fire with her hands, she senses a frame approaching her from the side.
"What an intense day," it was Ayna's voice. Kennedy took in the older woman's stance. She appeared relaxed and loose. Maybe the dance had eased her troubles away as well? Whatever it was, it seemed to do her good.
"Yeah, I seriously hope that's not what my life is gonna look like from now on," Kennedy answers truthfully.
"It's just the election cycle. I'm sure everything will settle down once your mom wins again."
"You think?"
"Well, I hope so. At least you won't be so much in the spotlight anymore."
"I'll drink to that!"
Kennedy offers Ayna a smile and turns back to the counter. She takes a sip of her drink and absentmindedly strokes her wrist when she settles it down. Out of the corner of her eye, she catches Ayna glancing at her.
"Hey, can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
Ayna pauses, opens her mouth and then closes it again, apparently changing her mind. "Uhmm, nevermind." She glances away, rubbing the back of her neck and Kennedy can feel a shift in the energy surrounding them. The relaxation seemed gone, replaced by awkwardness, was that it? It is then that she realizes she had been stroking her wrist. She abruptly stops, clenching her fists on top of the counter. Ayna's face fell. Shit! So much for just being, huh?
"I should go. You enjoy the rest of the night with your friends." Ayna offers dejectedly, shifting her weight as if preparing to depart. "I'm sure at this point Dionne won't mind me gone.”
Kennedy was taken aback by how faster her heart was suddenly beating. She wanted to say it had to do with how much she’s had to drink and not with the unexpected panic she felt at the prospect of Ayna leaving, but she knew that would be at least half a lie. She wanted to chastise herself, realizing now that the truth was she desperately missed this feeling of them being comfortable in each other’s presence. She wasn't ready to let that go.
“Can’t you stay a while longer?”
“I shouldn’t. I have to be at Vancross early tomorrow morning. Work and all.” Ayna says with a sheepish smile that resembled more a grimace and wraps her arms around herself.
That was a telltale sign that the TA was putting up a front if Kennedy ever saw one. She wracked her brain looking for something to say that could take the edge off Ayna, but in reality, how would that be even possible? They were in the middle of a speakeasy surrounded by loud and obnoxious people (which may or may not include her own friends), and sitting between them was this huge unaddressed elephant. She couldn’t possibly expect to dissolve all the tension between them when they had to shout every sentence just to be heard. But she just wanted to talk to Ayna. Really talk it all out. She knew this sudden desire to bare her soul was probably the liquid courage speaking for her, but she would be damned if she didn’t make the most of it.
"Do you live far from here?"
"A little. Why?"
Kennedy drowns the rest of her drink in a single motion, throwing more fuel at the bravery that seemed to be guiding her actions as of now, preparing herself to do what she really wanted to do. If there was anything this whole ordeal taught her was that she should live her life fully. She was going to be judged and quite literally haunted for every little action she made it seems, so she was going to make sure from now on that she’d live on her own terms. No regrets.
"Can I come with you?" She blurts out. "I'd rather be somewhere quieter.” And anywhere else if it meant being with you, she added in her head, not being brave enough to say that out loud, though. Not yet, anyway. “Today’s been exciting enough.”
She feels Ayna’s eyes trained on her face.
"I'm not sure your bodyguard would agree to that."
"I can handle Tatum."
“You’re not drunk, are you?”
“No.” Maybe just a little?
“Are you sure about this?”
“Yes.”
A few seconds ticked by before Ayna answers, their gazes never breaking. Kennedy could only imagine Ayna might be pondering a few thoughts of her own.
“Ok.”
The conversation with Tatum wasn’t exactly a breeze. He first chastised Kennedy for convincing him to go drinking and letting his guard down only to later on pull this stunt. Then he proceeded to (in a very concerned and caring tone, Kennedy had to admit) tell her he didn’t think it was a good idea. For reasons of safety and otherwise.
“I don’t mean to be insensitive here but you thought she was sincere before and you know how it turned out”, he said.
“I understand where you’re coming from, Tatum, but I’m doing this with or without your help.”
So he helped, of course, even though he was off duty (and displeased). Half an hour later Kennedy found herself enjoying the most awkward car ride in the history of awkward car rides. Agent Demarco was driving, Tatum by his side riding shotgun, and a very, very uncomfortable Ayna sat opposite her in the back seat, nearly glued to the door. The TA spent the entire drive looking out the window, only breaking out of her shell as far as it was necessary to direct Demarco through the city streets. Well, this is going great.
Kennedy let out a breath of relief when they arrived at the apartment complex. It was short lived, though, as Agent Demarco's voice cut the silence. He didn't exactly look very thrilled by the whole situation either.
"Which apartment is yours?"
"208-A."
"Could you give me your key? I'll check it out and be back in a few minutes."
"Hmm, sure." Ayna fished for her apartment keys, giving them to Agent Demarco. Tatum didn't follow, choosing instead to take a few steps back, but not too many, his posture stiff, back on the job.
Kennedy hated all of this. It seemed they were intent on making Ayna feel like a criminal and remind Kennedy herself the reality of their situation. She knew it was well-intentioned, but she didn't care for it one bit.
Fifteen long minutes later, Agent Demarco returns exclaiming "Coast is clear". Tatum chips right in, "Alright, Kennedy, you can go in, but Agent Demarco and I will stay by the door. If you need anything at all, you just have to call for us, ok? Leave the door unlocked." Yes, definitely intent.
As soon as both women cross the threshold and close the door behind them, Ayna's shoulders slump slightly.
"I'm sorry about that."
"Don't be. They are just doing their jobs."
"Still..."
“Well, would you like something to drink?” Ayna says, deviating the subject for now. She leaves her shoes by the front door and starts for the kitchen.
“Do you have coffee?”
The adrenaline provided by the loud music and boisterous environment of the club seemed to wear off during the ride and Kennedy felt the need to sober up however possible. It seemed this wasn't going to be a very pleasant conversation afterall. The whole fiasco with Demarco and Tatum served to remind her of that.
“Sure. You’d be surprised to know sometimes coffee is all I have. I’ll start a pot.”
Ayna busied herself in the kitchen and Kennedy took the opportunity to explore a little bit. She took off her own shoes and went for the living room, admiring the various pictures scattered around. Some were of Ayna and her friends, Kennedy assumed. On the wall, Kennedy spotted a collage picture frame adorned with pictures of Ayna and her dad in various scenarios: when she was a baby, graduating middle school, at what seemed like a soccer game? She should file that information for later.
“You and your dad look sweet together.”
"Thanks. It's easy when he's a very sweet man himself." Ayna emerges from the kitchen carrying two steaming coffee cups, offering one cup to Kennedy. "Black coffee ok?"
"It's fine."
They both take a seat and quietly enjoy their coffee for a moment. Kennedy chooses the armchair, leaving the entire couch for Ayna. She didn't want the TA to feel cornered like it happened in the car.
"How is he doing?" It was Kennedy who broke the silence.
Ayna sighs. "He's fine. As well as can be expected. I'm thankful the treatment has been working so far." She lowers her eyeglasses a little and rubs her eyes, looking dejected. Kennedy would slap herself in the face if she could for bringing this up. But then again, that is the main reason they are deep in this conundrum, isn't it? There's no good in avoiding it.
For the brief moment she catches Ayna’s glasses off her eyes, Kennedy notices the deep circles resting beneath them. She had noticed before that Ayna looked a little worse for the wear, but this is when she got to see just how much.
“You look tired.”
“Sleep has been evading me lately.” Ayna quickly slides her eyeglasses up again. "I suppose these help hide it a little, don’t they?"
"You don't have to hide with me, Ayna." What the hell, Kennedy?
"That's... sweet of you to say."
That brief slip of misplaced affection threw them right back to silence. How to go talking about something like this? Kennedy thought there really wasn't an instruction manual on how to go back to talking to your girlfriend after she betrays you. Were they ever really girlfriends? This train of thought is not helping me much either.
"Do you have a plan for what to do now? For his treatment, I mean." Kennedy decided to steer the conversation back to Arjun. She was genuinely curious and interested.
"I have some savings. I'm going to see if I can at least pay for his surgery and figure out the rest as it comes."
"Would you accept my help?"
"Kennedy, I couldn't possibly. I already took so much from you."
"What if I loan it to you?"
"And how would I pay it back? I'm not sure I'm even going to manage to keep my job." Ayna pauses, breathing deeply. "And my dad wouldn't accept it either. I'm sure now it's only a matter of time before he finds out how I... how I managed to pay for his treatment."
"Ayna, don't worry about this. I won't let it come out that you were involved with this."
"Kennedy, that's sweet. Much more than I deserve from you, but I don't think you can really do this."
"I'll do everything I can, then. You shouldn’t lose the love of your father because a dead-ass jerk took advantage of you in a moment of vulnerability.”
“Is that how you feel? About what I did?”
“About why you did what you did. I don’t think you’re a bad person, Ayna.”
“My dad thinks so highly of me. It’s going to crush him when he finds out.”
“Then let’s hope it doesn’t come to it. Your father seems like a nice man, he should have peace to recover. And he should have you.”
“You wanna know what's the worst part of it? I don't think I was completely honest with you at the hospital,” Ayna confesses, and she begins to get agitated, rubbing the palms of her hands in her thighs, the coffee long forgotten at the coffee table. “The truth is it scared me to learn how far I was willing to compromise my values. My dad always tried to teach me to do the right thing, and I always thought of myself as righteous, I always strived to live up to his standards. But when I was approached, I barely hesitated in taking the deal.”
Kennedy provides no reply to that, mainly for feeling Ayna wasn’t done letting it all out. The silence stretches for a few seconds before Ayna hangs her head, taking in a long breath. “I know this doesn't help my case, but I think you deserve my complete honesty. And I want you to know that when you were attacked, they crossed a line that I just couldn’t go along with, even if I haven’t...” She trails off averting Kennedy’s gaze, her own looking troubled, as if she was caught off guard by what she was saying. “I couldn’t do it.”
What is she saying?
"Ayna-" Kennedy starts speaking, but is quickly interrupted by Ayna, now sitting at the edge of the sofa, her body turned in Kennedy's direction. “I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’m so, so sorry you were ever put in a position to feel terrified.”
You should be! was Kennedy's first thought. This was a hard one to swallow and Kennedy felt her blood boil as she was, for a second, back in the moment she realized Ayna was the only one who knew she was at the lake. The moment she realized she was betrayed. “I’m not gonna lie, it was pretty scary. And to find out that you, of all people, were somehow responsible... it hurt, Ayna. It hurt so damn much.”
In a fluid, fast motion, Ayna crosses the living room, now kneeling by the armchair, resting her hands near Kennedy's but not really touching. “I’m so sorry, Kennedy. That’s all I can say. After getting to know you, all I ever wanted was to make you feel safe. All I ever wanted was to be there for you and support you in any way I could.”
“But that’s why it hurt so much, you see?" Kennedy exclaims a little on the exasperation side. "Because I felt all of that, Ayna. That's how I saw you, my safe space, someone I could really trust, that I could always to turn to. When I realized it, God I felt so stupid.”
It pained Kennedy to say these words as it pained Ayna to hear them. The TA all but deflates, shoulders slumped, head hanging low. After a few seconds, Kennedy is sure she heard a quiet sniffle and all her exasperation disappeared. Ayna was right there, kneeling by her side, and Kennedy's heart screamed at her to reach out, but her head wouldn’t let her do it. They weren't there yet.
“Look, Ayna, I’m not saying these things just to be mean to you. I guess I... I don’t know, I guess I just wanted to get it out of my chest", she says instead.
“I understand," Ayna replies releasing a sigh. She gets up and turns her back to Kennedy for a few seconds, discreetly wiping her eyes before turning back around. "I should be counting my lucky stars that you’re even here talking to me. I appreciate that. You really didn’t have to be here but you are, so thank you.”
But she really had to, Kennedy thought, or the doubts and resentment that were threatening to build up inside of her would eat her alive.
She could see that the turn the conversation took was really weighing down on the older woman. Ayna looked even more tired and dejected than when they first arrived in the apartment. The sight of it was upsetting Kennedy deeply. She was discovering she really couldn’t stand the idea of Ayna Seth being in pain, no matter where their relationship was standing.
“I know it can’t have been easy for you. To be caught between a rock and a hard place like that,” she offers, trying to make Ayna feel at least a little better.
“Kennedy, I don’t want to sound bad but... I have to ask. Why are you being nice to me?”
“Well, I learned that from you. To put myself in other people’s shoes. I... I didn’t like the way I saw everyone treating you earlier.”
Kennedy bit her lip, pondering if she should say what else she didn’t like, which was the way Zaira looked oddly comfortable pulling Ayna towards the dance floor. She decided against it; she felt confused as it was without adding yet another emotion into this pile of crap. Jealousy would have to wait. “I don’t think you’re a horrible comic villain who deserves to be lynched at every opportunity and I wish everyone would just stop treating you like that.”
To this Ayna offers a genuine smile. Kennedy can also see how some sparkle flashed briefly through Ayna’s eyes. “Thank you. This means a lot coming from you.”
Kennedy smiles timidly in return. She pauses for a moment, trying to process everything they have said so far. She really believed Ayna was caught in a bad place having to choose between two people she cared about. Kennedy knew Ayna loved her father fiercely but... what about me?
She takes in her surroundings for a minute: here she was, seated by an armchair in the living room of Ayna’s apartment, and the TA was standing right across from her. There was no better time or place to get the answers that she needed, and it was getting late, and to be dancing around the subject was exhausting her. She gets up from her position, approaching slowly but decidedly the other woman.
“Tell me Ayna. If we haven’t grown close, if you didn’t know I wasn’t just a rich spoiled privileged brat, would you have continued to feed Wright information about me?”
"After the attack on you, no, I don’t think I would’ve."
“Would you have reached out to me to let me know someone was out to get me? Would you still have helped me flush him out?”
“I like to think that I would’ve, yes.”
"What were you going to say when you said you haven't? Haven't what?"
That was it, what she really, really wanted to know. She wanted, scratch that, she needed to hear Ayna say it. And the TA kept fidgeting, shifting her weight from one foot to the other, looking everywhere but at the younger woman. So Kennedy presses on, searching for Ayna’s eyes, repeating the question once she found them.
"Haven't what, Ayna?"
"Fallen in love with you.”
That was Ayna’s answer, and said with an unwavering certainty so unlike her recent attitude, that Kennedy felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. She was certain she never felt so much in such a short span of time before. After that, there was no turning back anymore. She would take the plunge, and so help her God. Live life fully.
"Look, you risked everything to help me get my life back. The slate is wiped clean as far as I'm concerned,” she states, stepping closer to Ayna.
"Do you really mean that?” It was Ayna’s turn to tentatively take a step closer to Kennedy now, hope written all over her face.
"Yes. I don't want to hold a grudge and be angry with you. Not when you make me feel... so much more.” Kennedy goes forward again, reaching an arms-length distance from the other woman. “You mean the world to me, Ayna. I don’t want to pretend anymore that you don’t.”
Ayna reaches out, taking hold of Kennedy's hands in her own. Her movements are slow, almost calculated, and Kennedy wonders if that’s out of fear that any sudden movement might break the spell of the past few minutes. She intertwines their fingers together while glancing intently at Kennedy, her eyes searching for something.
“Do you think you can forgive me entirely? Wholeheartedly? If this all goes suddenly away in the morning, I’m not sure I can handle it.”
The proximity of Ayna is enough to make Kennedy feel her entire body go warm. Although she had a thousand objections at the back of her mind screaming back at her, right now all she wanted was to keep feeling whatever it was that Ayna’s touch made her feel. But she couldn't lie. She couldn't make any promises when she herself wasn't sure of anything but her desire to just try and move on. So she searched deep within herself the most honest answer she could find.
“All I can say is that I’m going to try my best. Is that good enough for you?”
Ayna takes a long breath and shuts her eyes. She lets go of Kennedy's hands and slides hers gently up the younger woman's arms until she reaches Kennedy's face. She cups Kennedy's cheeks and lets her thumb caress them. Kennedy responds by sliding her arms around Ayna's waist, bringing their bodies closer together, feeling her world narrowing down to Ayna and Ayna alone. And when Ayna opens her eyes, Kennedy feels like she‘s staring right into her soul.
“Yes."
That simple word was all it took for Kennedy's head to go spinning. She feels Ayna leaning in further, slowly, giving Kennedy one last opportunity to back away. Instead, Kennedy closes the distance between them. There was nothing else she could do at this point.
Their lips meet in a slow, tender kiss. The feeling of Ayna's soft lips, the smell of her perfume, the warmth of Ayna’s body pressing into hers... it was all so much, Kennedy felt overwhelmed. At the same time, it wasn’t nearly enough. She parts her lips to deepen the kiss, inviting Ayna in, and Ayna responds by sliding her tongue through Kennedy's bottom lip before slipping inside. Tongues dancing together, Ayna loses one of her hands in Kennedy's hair and Kennedy's hold on Ayna's waist tightens a they get lost on one another, savoring the feeling of being in each other's arms again.
“I missed you, Kennedy. So much.”
“I missed you too.”
The sweetness and tenderness is quickly replaced by passion. Days of lingering doubts and longing translate into hands roaming everywhere, both eager to show just how much they missed each other. Ayna's hands grab Kennedy's small back and pulls their hips together, fingers digging into skin before sliding down and scratching her thighs, while Kennedy buries herself in Ayna's neck, kissing and sucking her jawline, her earlobe, the nape of her neck, every inch of skin she could find. She lets out a sigh as she feels that the exposed skin is wanting, covered by many layers of clothing too much, and grabs a hold of Ayna's blouse, tugging it from Ayna's skirt. She motions to take the shirt off of Ayna only to have her movements halted.
“No, not so fast." Ayna holds Kennedy's hands and steps away from her embrace for a second. "I want tonight to last as long as possible.”
Kennedy understands the implied message. This was their first time together and who knew what tomorrow may bring? She looks at Ayna, whose eyes are burning with desire and filled with so much emotion that a shiver runs up Kennedy's spine. Tonight was theirs.
"Can we move this to the bedroom?" Kennedy asks panting, feeling her insides squeeze with the prospect of being so intimate with Ayna, both literally and metaphorically. The smile that crept upon Ayna's face at the request could light up the whole sky. "You don't have to ask me twice."
With as much enthusiasm as fondness, Ayna takes one of Kennedy's hands in her own, lacing their fingers together, and gently directs them towards the bedroom.
Once inside, Ayna wraps her arms around Kennedy's torso from behind, pressing her chest against Kennedy's back, holding her tightly in place. She buries her head in the nape of Kennedy's neck, breathing Kennedy's scent in. "Let me stay here for a minute, please," she mumbles quietly, and Kennedy lets her, closing her eyes and relishing in this quietude that Ayna's embrace always brought her. They sway from side to side, finding a rhythm together, until Ayna starts peppering Kennedy's neck with small kisses. Her hands slides languidly under the lapels of Kennedy's cardigan, pulling it out and tossing it to the side. She then directs her attention to Kennedy's shirt, sliding underneath it and shoving it upwards, her hands caressing the skin she found on the way. The heat emanating from Ayna's hands left a hot trail on Kennedy's skin, and Kennedy felt like she was melting right there.
She turns around in Ayna's embrace and captures Ayna's lips once again. With much more paced but no less yearning movements, Kennedy slides her hands down Ayna's chest, reaching for the hem of her shirt. This time she's met with no objection and she happily takes it off as well, settling her hands on Ayna's now bare shoulders. “There’s something I always wanted to do."
"What is it?"
Instead of answering with words, Kennedy entangles her fingers through Ayna’s hair and picks lightly on the hair pins keeping the bun in place. “Can I?”, she inquires softly.
Ayna nods her consent. She closes her eyes and leans into one of Kennedy’s hands as the young woman tread her fingers through her hair, letting it loose and guiding it over her shoulders. Once she’s finished, Kennedy brings both her hands back to cup Ayna’s face, lingering there. “You are so beautiful”, she says in a voice no louder than a whisper, prompting Ayna to open her eyes. Kennedy tried to cool down a little the look of adoration she knew she probably had imprinted on her own face, but the quick reddening of Ayna’s neck and ears told her she most likely failed.
She continues her exploration now going for Ayna’s glasses. When the older woman offers no resistance, she pulls it off. And that was a sight that Kennedy was sure would be engraved on her mind for a long time to come. Ayna looked completely different now, stripped bare from all formalities she had held on to keep her distance. She looked so vulnerable and very unlike the imposing figure she could occasionally be as a TA.
“You know, I can’t see very well without my glasses on.” Ayna says quietly.
“You look like a whole other person. It’s like I’m seeing you now for the first time.”
Ayna pauses for a moment before gently taking the glasses from Kennedy and placing them by the nightstand, “I guess I’ll have to keep you pretty close to me then.”
When she leans back towards Kennedy, her whole attitude‘s changed. She seemed filled by a renewed determination as she kissed Kennedy deeply but unhurriedly. Her arms engulfed the smaller woman tightly, one hand at the back of Kennedy’s head, keeping her in place, the other grasping firmly at her back.
Slowly, Ayna walks forward urging Kennedy with her, until the back of Kennedy's knees collide with the bed, prompting the younger woman to gasp.
Ayna looks pointedly at Kennedy, a hidden question dancing in her eyes. It endears Kennedy that Ayna's being so respectful at the same rate it saddens her that it might be out of fear.
"I want this, Ayna. I want you."
With the encouragement, Ayna sits Kennedy on the bed, kneeling in front of her. "Maybe all of this could go, then?" She picks on the waistband of Kennedy's pants. "I believe we are a little overdressed."
"Yeah, we should fix that," is Kennedy's reply, and she goes unfastening the button of her pants only to be halted.
“Let me. I've been wanting to do this for a while."
So Ayna unfastens and rids Kennedy's lower body from her jeans, and then she stands up and removers her own skirt before joining Kennedy on the bed. Their lips meet instantly, legs entangling together, and Kennedy moves on top of Ayna, settling her weight down on the TA's body. They both moan in unison when their hips touch, fitting perfectly.
"There's still a few layers of clothing remaining. Are you slacking off?" Kennedy teases.
Ayna's chuckle fill the air, "Oh, no, I wouldn't dream of it,” she says, as she moves to unclasp Kennedy's bra. They quickly complete the task of ridding each other of their underwear, standing now completely bare in front of one another.
"Come here," Ayna pulls Kennedy back on top of her, moaning softly when they settle into each other. “You feel so good.”
Kennedy responds by merging their lips together again as she lets her hands wander all over Ayna’s body, stopping longer at her breasts. She feels Ayna’s hands focused on the curves of her ass and inner thighs. She sighs deeply.
“I can't wait any longer. I want to touch you."
"Well, go ahead."
But it's like the answer fell on deaf ears. "I need to."
Guiding Kennedy’s hand lower on her body, Ayna says "Yes, please."
Kennedy did, and it was everything and more. She was intoxicated by everything Ayna: the warmth of her lips, the floral scent of her perfume, the sweet sounds that came out of her mouth in the form of whimpers and moans, the softness of her most sensitive places. It was all so beautiful. She moves so her mouth can join her hand, and soon Ayna's labored breaths increase in rate and intensity at Kennedy's ministrations, letting Kennedy feel she's coming closer and closer to the edge.
“Ayna, look at me." Kennedy all but demanded. "I want you to look at me while I bring you over the edge."
"Oh, fuck... yes!” Ayna struggles to mumble, panting heavily as she complied and locked eyes with Kennedy. The young woman focus on her fingers strokes against the TA’s center, and she can tell it’s taking all Ayna has not to close her eyes again as she arches her back, riding out her pleasure. Kennedy felt on cloud nine.
“That was... it was...” Ayna tries to say, struggling to catch her breath.
“Tell me.” Kennedy asks as she plants a chaste kiss in Ayna’s shoulder, easing the woman down from her high.
When Ayna finally catches her breath, she answers affectionately, “No one has ever made me feel like this.”
Kennedy feels every one of her heartstrings being pulled again. This seemed like a common occurrence this night. This is going to be the death of me. But before she could dwell longer on this, Ayna was moving on top of her.
“Well, may I touch you now?”
“Yes, please.” Kennedy answers with a smirk that is quickly wiped from her face as Ayna’s lips find her neck, sucking on her pulse point, eliciting a moan from her.
Ayna is so tender Kennedy feels like she understands now why it's called "making love". Oh shit, I am in love with her too, aren't I? Well, should I? And at the worst possible moment, her mind decides to play tricks on her. This is when it chose to wander back, again, to that horrifying experience, as well as the crushing pain that followed through at the realization of Ayna's betrayal. And now she feels Ayna going lower and lower, trailing her mouth down Kennedy’s stomach, then her navel, as she kept her downward path.Oh my god, no, this is too much. I can't handle it.
“A-Ayna.”
“Hmmm.”
“Ayna, wait.”
Ayna halts immediately. “What? What is it?”
“I’m not- I’m not ready for...” Kennedy is struggling to get her words out, and she prays Ayna understands what she's trying to say.
In a flash, Ayna's face is back up, staring right at Kennedy as she brings one hand to caress Kennedy's face, the other propping her up. “Hey, it’s ok. You can tell me anything you want or don’t want, ok? We don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with."
“I’m just not ready for you to... go down there,” Kennedy admits begrudgingly, avoiding Ayna’s gaze.
“Of course. We can snuggle all night instead if that’s what you prefer.”
Oh for crying out loud! Of course, Ayna had to be the gentlest and most respectful even when faced with rejection in the very throes of passion. The war raging inside Kennedy was exhausting her completely. She knew she said she wanted it, and she meant every word. Objectively, she knew the truth about her feelings, she just didn’t think she’d have to own up to them so soon. Love, was it? Ayna was looking at her every inch understanding, not one bit judgemental or mad, and Kennedy wondered how great their relationship would've turned out if she was just the average girl, not the First Daughter of Rutherland, and if she could've always been met with that sweet and understanding Ayna, not the lying and deceitful one. She wanted so much to trust Ayna again, wholeheartedly, she wanted to feel her touch, she wanted to be loved, she just really wanted to just let go.
“Or you could... use your fingers?” she finally finds her voice, unable to not want to feel Ayna all over her.
“Yes, I can do that,” Ayna says, and to comply, she slowly brings her hands over Kennedy's center, looking for any sign of objection but finding none. “Like this?”
“Yesss, just like that.”
“Can I kiss you?”
“Y-yes.”
Ayna kisses Kennedy pouring her everything into it, and Kennedy feels it for what it was. If transcribed into words, it would probably say ”Please, forgive me. Please, let’s start again”.
Kennedy knows Ayna is following her lead, but she needs more. She knows Ayna won’t do anything she doesn’t signal that she wants. So with one hand she holds Ayna’s hand in place, and with the other she guides Ayna’s head towards one of her breasts.
And that felt so good, it was like she was being thoroughly consumed. A powerful desire to simply belong to Ayna begins to rise from deep within Kennedy’s heart, overriding any sick trick her mind was attempting to throw at her. She needed to know what that felt like.
“I need to... to feel you... inside.”
It was impossible for that request not to be met with compliance, so Ayna slid one finger through Kennedy’s opening, and then another, and with each thrust, she is taken closer and closer to that point of infinite bliss.
The part of her who still had some lingering doubts was being thoroughly massacred, and as much as Kennedy feared it, she was also glad to see it go. Even if it tried to tell her to be smarter, to draw a line, to keep away from Ayna and all the potential heartache she represented, none of that was enough to make her stop feeling everything else this woman made her feel, and loving Ayna felt so, so much better.
So in between ragged breaths and with a strained voice, she can’t stop herself from saying “I love you.”
Ayna buries her head into Kennedy’s neck, her movements gaining a boost of energy as she picks up her pace. When she feels Kennedy slipping into oblivion, she curls her fingers to draw it out as much as possible.
“Let it go, Kennedy. Let go for me.”
“Yes... oh god, yes.” Yes, let’s please just start again.
Kennedy’s whole world goes spinning as a thousand stars explode right behind her eyes and she cries out in ecstasy, letting go of everything.
She gets back from her high and is met with the sight of a very smiling Ayna lying on her stomach. “How are you feeling?” Ayna asks grinning lopsidedly.
Honestly? “So fucking liberated.”
That prompts laughter out of Ayna and Kennedy loves the sound of it. “Well, I love the enthusiasm”.
They snuggle close together, Kennedy now resting her head in Ayna’s chest, while the TA drapes her arms around the younger woman’s shoulders, “And you. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
And there it is again, the infectious grin in Ayna’s face. God, this woman is beautiful.
They spend a few minutes enjoying the quiet together, occasionally offering small kisses, lacing hands together and exchanging soft caresses, until Ayna asks, “Can you stay tonight?”
Kennedy stiffens. "I don’t think that would be a very good idea.”
“Oh, ok. I understand.”
“I’m sorry, I-“
“Hey, it’s ok, Kennedy, really. Tonight’s been a crazy ride, your mother’s still campaigning and the Peace Summit is right around the corner. I really understand.” She then adds a little sheepishly, “Can you stay for a few more minutes?”
“Yeah, but just a few more minutes."
"I'll take it," Ayna answers with a small genuine grin, diffusing the situation, and they settle against one another again, each lost in their own thoughts as to what this night represented. As messy as her feelings had been, Kennedy was thankful this happened. It felt so good to be nested comfortably in Ayna's arms, she just had to hold on to this feeling and let her heart heal.
After many more minutes, Kennedy moves, mumbling quietly, "I should go."
Ayna places a kiss on Kennedy’s forehead and disentangles herself from the younger woman. “Ok.”
Kennedy jumps out of bed searching for her scattered clothes while Ayna puts on a robe. Once they’re both redressed and composed, the TA laces her fingers with Kennedy's as she leads them towards the apartment door.
“Tonight was pretty great,” Kennedy said once they reached the door, feeling like offering Ayna reassurance. She didn't want the TA to be fretting all night long as she had a feeling this is just what might happen.
“Yeah, it was.”
“I know we still have things to work through, but... I do want this, I promise." Kennedy holds both Ayna's hands in her own and waves their joined hands for extra effect, "This won’t be gone by the morning.”
Ayna's face light up in a huge smile. "For as long as you’re willing to not close the door on us, I’m going to do everything I can to show you can trust me again." She leans in to steal one last kiss. “I’m all in, Kennedy. I love you.”
“I love you too. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“See you tomorrow.”
With that Kennedy leaves, heart full of hope. Who said burnt bridges can't be rebuilt? This time around, maybe it'll be much stronger, and no amount of fire would be able to burn it down.
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The Man on the Side of the Road - Part 7
Title: The Man on the Side of the Road - Part 7
Pairing: Dean x Reader
Word Count: 6,184
Warnings: Angst, Semi Graphic Mentions of Self Harm, Mentions of Previous Suicide Attempt, Anxiety, Depression, Desire to Relapse, Mentions of Pain Killers, Self Hate, Self Blame, Fluff, Dean being the best.
Summary: Driving down the road, going well over the speed limit. You come across a man walking in the opposite direction with a bouquet of flowers in his hands. His head cast down as he walked. Your gut instinct is telling you to check on this man, no matter what your parents told you growing up. Little did you know just how much this would change your life.
The Man on the Side of the Road - Masterlist
Square Filled: Falling in love ( @spndeanbingo)
A/N: The contents of this fic are not suitable for all audiences. This is your warning. That being said, I hope you enjoy this part! Feedback is greatly appreciated.
You lay in the middle of your bed, your books scattered everywhere and your laptop in front of you. You hated midterms. You hated that you didn’t have the week before off to study. You were stressed out to the max, and you were trying to bury yourself in your homework. You didn’t want to deal with everything else.
Ever since everyone found out that Jo was pregnant with your ex-fiance's baby, you had just shut down. You didn’t want to talk about it, or even think about it. Even more so when people asked you about it. Ketch had tried to talk to you a couple of times, about it specifically. It was now clear to you that he had been cheating and he knew it as well as you did. It was hard for you to see him after what you knew. Jo hadn’t even glanced in your direction. Ruby tried her best to keep the topic light for your sake. You knew deep down that she was still talking to her, even if she told you that she wasn’t friends with her anymore. Your trust had been betrayed more than once by so many people you considered to be close to you. It was really hard for you to wrap your mind around everything.
Your mom blamed you for making Ketch look elsewhere. If you would have catered to his needs you wouldn’t be in the situation you were in. Clearly he wanted a baby and you withheld it from him, so he found someone better than you. You did this to yourself. That was the conversation you had with your mom earlier on in the day. The conversation that brought you to tears. After all, he’d been with Jo for two years. You clearly hadn’t been good enough for him for a long time.
You were never going to be good enough for anyone.
Your eyes glossed over with tears as your mother’s words rang through your head over and over again. You read over the same sentence eight times before realizing you had. Studying was no use. Midterms felt irrelevant at this point. You had so much more going on that you just didn’t care about studying, or your grades. You didn’t care about anything else. You just wanted the world to swallow you whole.
“Hey you,” Dean’s voice cut you from your trance. “You got time for a study break? I’ll make you a snack.”
“Uh no thanks,” you shook your head. “Not hungry.”
“Okay,” he nodded. “Can I help you study for anything?”
“I think I’m going to pack it away for the night. I can’t retain anything,” you admitted. You prayed he couldn’t hear the defeat in your voice.
“Understandable,” he smiled. “You want to do something tonight? Watch a movie? Take a drive in Baby?”
“You finished?” your head perked up with a smile on your face for the first time all day.
“I finished and drove her home today,” he beamed widely. “You wanna go for a drive with me?”
“Of course,” you agreed.
“Good,” he smirked. “I could use some quality time with my best friend. You look like you could use a break too.”
“You got it,” you nodded. “Just give me a few to clean myself up.”
“Okay,” he smiled, shutting the door behind him. You packed up your books, and placed them on your bedside table. You shut your laptop and rolled off the bed. Your legs felt heavier than usual from sitting cross-legged for so long on your bed. You walked straight into your bathroom. Your hair was a mess, and your eyes looked tired. You were tired. Tired of studying. Tired of crying. Tired of it all. You needed a good week of sleep to begin to feel better.
You opened the bottom drawer, your eyes falling on the plastic case that was once meant for dental floss at one point. You knew exactly what was in that case, and the fact that you were staring at it right now was a big problem. It was a bigger problem than a lot of the ones you were already facing. You were at the point mentally that you felt like this was an option. That this was okay again when it was the farthest thing from okay.
You slammed the drawer shut. A single tear slipped down your cheek. You were better than this. You didn’t have to resort to this. You were stronger than that. You were going to get out of this bathroom, and head out to Dean. You were going to ride in his baby, and try to take your mind off of everything. He wanted to spend time with you. You were going to pull yourself together and be the person he knew you to be. He didn’t need the extra theatrics.
You didn’t bother changing out of your sweatpants. You’d much rather be comfortable in the car and be able to jump right back into studying. You grabbed your bigger sweater, pulling it over your shoulders. You could hear Dean twirling the keys in his hands as you stepped out of your room. Going out with him was probably going to be the best part of your day.
He was waiting by the front door, keys in his hand. He had put on a blue, red and white flannel, making him look all the more comfortable. God, did he look good in flannel. He looked good in anything he wore the more you thought about. Dean was handsome, and there was no denying that. You thought that the second you laid eyes on him. Bloodshot eyes and all.
He motioned for you to head out the front door first. He locked up the house with his key while you headed to the beautiful ‘67 impala that sat on your driveway. You were in awe. She looked brand new. Dean had done an amazing job with her. You had no idea he was this good with cars. You were damn sure she was a write off when you saw her. You were sure your jaw was on the ground.
“Here, let me get the door for you, m’ lady,” he grinned, reaching for the passenger door handle. He opened it up for you, allowing you to slide in before shutting it for you. He circled around the car, hopping in the driver's seat. He put the key in the ignition and started her up. It had to be one of the most beautiful sounds you had ever heard. The car was a thing of beauty. Inside and out. You could see yourself going on roadtrips in this car.
“You did an amazing job, Dean!” you complimented him. “You are really freakin’ talented. This took you no time at all.”
“Thanks,” he smiled. “It feels good to have her fixed. My dad would have been proud, I think. This was his. He loved this car. I’m just happy that I have her back. Makes me miss him a little more.”
“I’m proud of you. This car deserves to be driven again,” you told him. “You can park her in the garage if you’d like. Keep her safe and untouched.”
“You sure?”
“Hell yeah! She’s worth so much more,” you assured him. “So where are we headed anyways. You never mentioned a destination.”
“Somewhere special. Somewhere we’ve never been together. I think you’re going to like it. I just need some time there. It’s a happy place.”
“Then I look forward to it,” you breathed out. “Everything okay today?”
“For the most part, yeah” he mentioned. “I feel a little off today, not going to lie to you. I just wanted to drive my baby, and show you her. Driving helps me clear my head.”
“I understand that. Something else to focus on. Just the open road,” you smiled sincerely. “I am really proud of you, Dean. Not just for fixing up the car. You look better and better everyday.”
“Thanks Y/N,” he nodded. “Means a lot to me coming from you.”
“You’re welcome.”
“So I needed to talk to you about something. You said I could talk to you about anything right?” He questioned.
“Of course,” you said, turning your head to look at him, giving him your full attention.
“There’s this girl,” he began, taking a deep breath. A small smile playing on his lips. “I see her pretty often. Out and about, you know? She’s nice to me, I think she flirts with me. She’s beautiful, and she’s smart. I’ve been thinking that I want to ask her out, but I’m not sure how to do it in a way that doesn’t come off as too strong.”
“Do you know her well?” You asked. Deep down, you were a little upset that he was asking a girl out. A part of you knew that if he did, and the girl said yes, Dean would be spending very little time with you. It was selfish as hell, but you knew how much you needed him. Even if he didn’t know you nearly as well and that was on you for that. You were the one who couldn’t quite break the wall down. You weren’t going to make him choose you over someone he could have an amazing relationship with. After all, he deserved to be happy. You had dealt with your issues on your own most of your life anyways. You could survive without him if it came down to it.
“I’d say I know her a fair bit, but not too extensively,” he shrugged. “You’re a girl, how would you like a guy to ask you out?”
“Honestly, it’s really just about how confident you come across rather than how. I’d like to know he’s paying attention to me if he does, and that he sounds like he really wants to go out with me. I’ve only ever been asked out once so I really won’t be helpful.”
“Nah, you’re plenty helpful. You’re my best friend. I just hope she says yes,” he chuckled. “I don’t think any of what you said is going to be a problem. Now if she says yes, is dinner and a movie okay?”
“For the first day, yeah! That’s a great first date,” you breathed out.
“What would be your ideal first date? I gotta know for the next guy who asks you out,” he winked.
“Dean, no guy is going to ask me out,” you scoffed playfully. “Dinner and a movie is good. Mini golfing is also another good one, especially if it's someone you kind of know. Honestly, I’m up for anything that he thinks I’d like. I’m not picky. It’s all about who you spend time with over what you do.”
“All fair points,” he let out a laugh. “Mini golfing is definitely a good first date idea.”
“I’m glad you think so,” you let out a chuckle. “When are you going to ask her out?”
“Not sure yet. I might just wait to see if she shows anymore interest in me before I take a leap. I just don’t want to do it and then have her say no.”
“She’d be stupid to say no to a guy like you. You’re a catch. You’re smart as hell. You’re cute. You’re the most amazing cook I’ve ever met,” you told him. “Not to mention, you’re clearly good with your hands.”
“I hope you’re right,” he smirked.
“I know I’m right,” you nodded. “It’s the one thing I’m certain about.”
Dean drove through the streets of Lawrence, heading towards the edge of town by the looks of it. You figured he just wanted to drive her for awhile. You really didn’t mind. You didn’t care where you were going, or when you’d be home. The open road was going to give you some time to relax, and not think about how messed up everything was. Just you and Dean on the road. That was exactly how you wanted things.
Dean was pretty quiet as he drove, and you wondered what exactly was on his mind. If he was solely focused on driving or if his mind was elsewhere. No matter how much you watched the road ahead of you, your mind resorted back to that little plastic container at home. The thought had barely left your mind. You knew you weren’t going to stop thinking about it. Not until you did something drastic about it. And after that, you’d hate yourself more than you already did.
“I feel like it’s time I ask are we there yet?” you giggled.
“Yes we are almost there,” he chuckled. “I spent a lot of time here when I was growing up.” You nodded your head, taking a deep breath. You could enjoy the sound of that. Learning a little more about him.
After about five more minutes of driving, Dean made a right turn off the main road. The street was quiet. Not too many people in sight for just after six. It was a nicer day out. All you needed was a sweater to keep you warm. The sun would be more than enough. It was surprising for fall, but you weren’t complaining. It was only a matter of time before things got cold.
Dean pulled into an empty parking lot. In front of the car was a small forest by the looks of it. Behind you was what looked like an elementary school. Did he go to this school growing up? You were probably going to find out at some point throughout the evening.
You got out of the car at the same time. You glanced over to Dean to see where exactly you were going. He motioned for you to follow him. You were headed towards the forest. Dean clearly knew where he was going and you were going to have to trust him. You could take it all in and hopefully that cleared your head. Something else to focus on, Y/N.
You and Dean kept a safe distance between the two of you. Your eyes were everywhere, taking it all in the best you could. It was beautiful to see it all. You had never really been around forests, and paths to walk in. Nothing was as beautiful as this. Growing up, it was always big houses, and parties. You didn’t get to explore like this. Not like you wanted to.
Eventually the path led to a narrow road with a rapidly decreasing hill. It was pretty steep when you started walking down it, but there was something in the adventure that you looked forward to. There was something that you found relief in. The openness of the wilderness was almost comforting. It was almost like no one could find you here. A safe space from people like your mother and Ketch specifically.
At the bottom of the hill was an old ruins building that caught your interest. There wasn’t a single person in sight. You headed straight over to the entrance, Dean following closely behind you. You couldn’t stop your eyes from wandering. You wanted to take it all in. Remember it when you got home and were left in the silence of your room.
Dean lead the two of you across the wooden bridge to get across the rocks beneath it. There was a ledge big enough for the two of you to sit on comfortably. Below the ledge was a small body of water, and some trees that grew tall, covering above you. It was enough to keep you distracted. It was absolutely beautiful. You could see why this place was special to him.
“We’ve been friends for a little while now,” he pointed out, breaking the comfortable silence. His eyes took in the trees above.
“Yeah,” you nodded. “Best friend.”
“You want to talk to me about what’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” he swallowed hard. His lips formed a line as you looked at him. He wasn’t joking this time around. You knew there was no pressure for you to talk to him. He’d never pressure you to. But you could see the concern in his eyes. It damn near broke you. You couldn’t. You knew if you did, there was no going back for either of you. You didn’t want to add that extra weight on his shoulders. “Okay.”
You adjusted yourself, resting your back against the wall of the ledge. You brought your legs up to your chest, breathing in the fresh air. His words were ringing in your head. He offered to let you talk to him. He was your best friend. If anyone would understand what you were going through, it would be Dean. He knew the little things you did because he lived with you. He knew something was wrong. He knew that you were struggling immensely. As much as you didn’t want to burden him with it, you knew you weren’t going to be able to hold it all in for much longer. You were trying your hardest to make it through each day. You couldn’t do it much longer. You already wanted to open up the plastic container in your drawer. It was only a matter of time before you did and caused more damage than you already had.
“I’m not okay,” you breathed out. “I’m the farthest thing from okay right now, Dean.”
“It’s okay, I’m here,” he nodded. “Talk to me.”
“I need you to promise me something,” you almost mouthed. A lump forming in your throat..
“Anything,” he smiled, his voice a little higher than usual.
“Promise me that you’re okay right now. Promise me that if I talk to you that it’s not going to ruin all the progress you’ve made. That you’re not going to see me any differently.”
“I promise you,” he stated, holding out his pinky for you to take. “I’m more than okay, Y/N. I promise you that I am. Is that the reason why you haven’t talked to me yet? You’re afraid of being too much for me? You’re afraid I’d see you differently?”
“Yeah,” you nodded. “You’re already going through so much. I don’t want to be too much for you. I’m the one that’s supposed to have it together.”
“You don’t have to all the time,” he smiled weakly at you. “Why do you think I brought you out here? I can see you aren’t doing okay. You never have to worry about it being too much for me. You talked me out of killing myself, Y/N. If you think that I wouldn’t be there to do the same for you every single time.”
“I don’t want to kill myself,” you assured him. “I know how much that would hurt you, and I can’t do that to you. But I have to tell you that it’s really hard for my head to not think that way. Everything that has happened with Ketch, and Jo. The way I feel about myself. The way I feel like I’m going to end up. I spent the last three years of my life with a man that would rather fuck my best friend than me. My mom thinks that it’s my fault he got Jo pregnant. I should have given him exactly what he wanted, and I didn’t. It’s my fault why it happened.”
“It’s not your fault, Y/N. You didn’t push him towards her,” he shook his head. “Cheating is a choice. Don’t believe for a second what your mom said to you. None of his actions are your fault. You are not responsible for what he does.”
“Two years, Dean. Two years he had been cheating on me for. What does that say about me and the person I am?”
“It says you’re loyal. Even if the guy is a piece of shit,” he stated. “You have a big heart, Y/N. That’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s one of the things I like about you.”
“Sometimes I feel like it is. All I have ever wanted was for someone to love me the way I love them. You know how pathetic that is? How pathetic I am for staying with him for as long as I did?” you sighed.
“You had your reasons, sweetheart. It’s not pathetic to want to be loved, especially when your mom never showed you what it felt like. Every relationship is great in the beginning. You can’t recognize signs of abuse as easily when you are in a relationship,” he mentioned. “It’s so fucking hard to see them when they aren’t physical.”
“I know you’re right, but there were so many clear signs, Dean. Physical signs! And I am still stuck around. I stuck with it, thinking that he was going to get better. That I’m a good person and I could make him a good person too. I stuck around after he hit me. After all the things he did that weren’t okay. I can’t help but think that I’m in this position because I chose to stay. Because I said yes to marrying him. I didn’t want to be alone. It didn’t matter how well he treated me at what time. There are so many things that I should have done differently. That I could have done instead. This should have happened two years ago and not two months ago.”
“Is that why you can’t move past this? You’ve been bottling it all up for that long?” he asked. “You’re not alone, you know? I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. You got out and that’s the most important thing. It doesn’t matter if it wasn’t right away. You are a good person, Y/N. Regardless. Now, I’m pissed that he laid a hand on you. But sweetheart, he’s not going to hurt you anymore and I’ll make sure of that. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here now.”
“Yeah, now,” you breathed out, he reached his hand over to your calf.
“And from now on,” he added in. “I’m not checking out on you. I’m not leaving you. Believe it or not, I actually love living with you. You’re the best roommate I could ever ask for, and an even better friend. Ketch threw away a rare diamond for a stone he found in a swamp. He’s not good enough for someone like you. He never was and he’s never going to be. I don’t ever want you to doubt yourself because he couldn’t keep it in his pants. He’ll get bored of Jo and the baby, and he’ll try to come back. You are worth more than that. You are worth more than most people can give you.”
“Dean,” you cocked your head to the side, wiping away one of your tears.
“Y/N, you are beautiful, and smart. You have a gorgeous smile, and the biggest heart of anyone I know. In fact, you remind me a lot of my mom. What I can remember anyways. You deserve so much better, and one day you’re going to find it. You don’t deserve to be sad like this.”
“I don’t want to be sad like this,” you admitted. “I haven’t felt like this in a really long time. I just want it all to go away. I want to be able to look at Ketch and not have my heart drop into my stomach. I want to be able to laugh at Jo when she’s nine months pregnant with a guy who is going to do the same thing he did to me to her. He’s going to leave her when she needs him the most. By then, I want to be over this. I want to move on from this.”
“You will be, sweetheart,” his lip curled upward. “I didn’t think I’d ever get better after that day and I did.”
“You’re strong, Dean” you told him.
“So are you,” he half smiled. “You’re the strongest person I know.”
“I don’t feel that way right now,” you confessed. “Before you asked me to go out with you tonight, I went to the bathroom and opened up my drawer. In the bottom of it, I have this little plastic container that used to be for dental floss. I have a razor blade in it, and I so desperately wanted to cut myself, Dean. So bad.” That was the very first time you had said those words out loud to someone else. It was the hardest thing you ever had to say to someone you were close with. You didn’t want to scare him away by saying it. You didn’t want him to feel like he had to watch you. You just wanted to tell him before you got home and retired back to your room and something happened. If something happened.
“You- do you? I don’t remember seeing any the day we went swimming together,” he pointed out.
“I haven’t in two years,” you stated. “Remember how I said I’ve been there?”
“You -”
“It was the scariest moment of my life and I remember every detail until I passed out. I had gotten to a fight with my mom earlier on in the day about my sex life of all things. She made some comments that stuck and kept going on and on the whole day. When I got home, Ketch was on me about going out to the bar with his buddies. I said no, and he told me I was boring now that he and I were together. The sex had gone out the window. He said I could stay home and sulk, he was going out regardless. I just wanted to take the edge off. Cutting was how I did it. Made me feel better when everything was so chaotic. I was on the bathroom floor when I did it. It made me feel better for awhile. But I was in that headspace where I thought the world was against me. I got sloppy. Before I knew it, I had gone too far. For a split second, I thought about just leaving it. I got lightheaded quickly and called 911. I told everyone it was an accident. But no one believed me that it was. My mom wanted me in a mental institute, and didn’t want anyone finding out that Ketch’s girlfriend tried to kill herself. My dad - he was there for me when I needed him. He’s not around much if you couldn’t tell already. He works all over the place. But he stopped and took three weeks off to stay with me in the hospital while I got help. He was what got through to me. That was the last time I cut. Before that I felt like I deserved pain, other times I just had an itch. When Ketch saw them for the first time, he told me that crying for attention wasn’t attractive. He didn’t realize how bad it was until the day I almost died.”
“I know it’s not. Believe me, I know it’s not,” He nodded. There wasn’t a single hint of judgement in his voice. “And you want to do it now?”
“If I’m being honest, it’s been in my mind all damn day. But I know that if I do, then all of the progress I made will be erased, and I’ll have to start from scratch. I know it’s going to make it all worse, and not better. But I can’t think of anything else,” you shared. “Everything feels so fucked up that I don’t know which way is up. I didn’t want to bother you, and I don’t want to call my dad and worry him. I miss my dad, if I’m being honest here.”
“Here. Look at me,” he said softly. “I’m up. I’m your best friend, Y/N. There is no one in the world that looks out for you the way I do. I’m the one who protects you. I brought you out here, remember? I care and I’m not going anywhere. It’s okay to miss your dad, sweetheart. Don’t be afraid to call him if you need him.”
“What if I can’t get past this, Dean?”
“I promise you, you will,” he nodded. “I’m not going to let you go through this alone. Now, I need you to pinky promise me that you are not going to cut yourself. Can you do that?”
“I hope so,” you sniffled, holding your pinky up for him to link his with yours. “I don’t want to let you down.”
“You won’t. You never have,” he furrowed his brows.
“You’re the only person I haven’t.”
“You won’t ever,” he stated. “Ketch is a no one. You said it yourself, not everyone is like him. He’s going to regret it, and you can invite him to your wedding and have him watch you walk down the aisle in a dress that’s a million times prettier than the one you sold. He’s going to watch you and think about how that could have been him if he would have treated you better, and cared about you the way any human being should care.”
“I like that idea,” you nodded your head. Your lip curling up at the thought.
“Me too. I’m so fucking proud of you,” he reminded you. “I think you and I have a lot of learning to do about ourselves. I think we should take that road trip next week. Go see my brother. Spend some time away from this town. Just you, me and baby. Let go of all the toxicity here and come back refreshed.”
“Yeah, that sounds like a good idea,” you nodded.
“Feel a little better?”
“A little,” you whispered. “Thank you for listening.”
“You don’t need to thank me,” he shook his head. “I care. You can talk to me anytime.”
“I care about you too.” Dean shifted closer to you so that he was sitting directly in front of you. You could see it in his gorgeous fanfiction green eyes that he wasn’t judging you. He genuinely cared about you and how you were doing. He wanted you to get better so you’d get back to that ball of fire he met that day on the road. He opened up his arms for you to crawl into, and you graciously accepted this time.
It felt so damn good to be hugged by him. You weren’t sure whether it was his affection that he showed you, or the fact that he was just showing you affection in the first place that really struck a chord with you. His hugs were always warm and welcoming, and you embraced it every time you got one.
You also knew now more than ever that you were really starting to fall for Dean, and there was no stopping it now. It really should have scared you, with the whole thing with Ketch. But it wasn’t that problem. The problem was that he was too good for you, and he was into another girl. He couldn’t see a girl like you as someone he wanted to be with. You were the best friend. The wing woman. The one he came home to after a long day. You weren’t going to be his girlfriend or future wife. You weren’t going to be the perfect girlfriend for him. You didn’t know how, and quite frankly, you were too broken for his love. He deserved happiness. He deserved everything you couldn’t give him.
“You wanna head home? You’ve gotta be hungry by now,” he asked you.
“Yeah okay. Can you make some of that tomato soup for me? My stomach is still uneasy,” you said, giving him your best puppy dog eyes.
“On one condition.”
“Okay?”
“I want your blades gone. I don’t want you to open up your drawer and be reminded that they are there,” he stated. “And in return, I’ll throw out the painkillers in my bag that you didn’t know about and we’ll start fresh.”
“You -you still have-“
“Extra in case I wasn’t successful. I haven’t touched them, I promise. I actually forgot about them until I found them yesterday. I wouldn’t do that to you. I swear.”
“You’ve got yourself a deal.”
Dean helped you off the ledge, making sure you were safely on the ground before you started walking. You had to admit that you did feel a lot better after talking to him about everything that was going on in your head. You knew what was going to happen if you didn’t. Dean was the one who was keeping you grounded. He had proven to you time and time again that he truly cared about you. He was the only real friend you had ever had the more you thought about it. He was the kind of man you wished you had in your life all those years ago.
Dean threw his arm around your shoulder, pulling you into him as you walked up the big hill. You smiled softly, snaking your arm around his waist to hold him back. It was comfortable for you to be so close to him. That was where you wanted to be. Right next to him. He made you feel completely safe. He protected you. You wanted to be able to protect him.
He opened up the car door for you, allowing you to get in before he circled around to the drivers side. You were looking forward to going home and relaxing, You weren’t going to study anymore than you already had. You were going to see if you could convince Dean to watch a couple of episodes of Dr Sexy with you so you could start catching up. You just wanted a night with him.
“I’ll get started on that soup for you,” he smiled. “Can you go grab the tiny case for me?”
“Yeah,” you nodded.
“The pills are in my room. My duffle bag in the side pocket. They are in a plastic bag,” he told you.
You headed down the hall, stopping at Dean’s door first. You twisted the door handle, opening up the door. He had his bed made, and on the end of the bed was his pyjama pants. He had a t-shirt folded right on top of it. On the nightstand, he had a bottle of water and a picture of his family. The duffle bag was sitting in front of the closet. It was empty for the most part, which meant he had moved his stuff in completely. You took that as a sign that he felt like he was at home. He really did love living here with you.
You opened up the side pocket of his duffle, reaching in to find the bag of pills. There had to be at least fifty painkillers in the bag. It all came rushing back to you again. If you hadn't found Dean that day, he wouldn’t have been standing in your kitchen right now. You wouldn’t have met your best friend. You wouldn’t be standing if it weren’t for him and everything he had done for you. That’s what was making it so easy for you to hand Dean the blade. You didn’t want him to have that same fear you felt the night he moved in with you.
You were quick in heading out of his room, and going into yours. You only had the one left that you kept in your drawer. This time when you looked at the plastic case, you didn’t have the urge to open it and use it. You didn’t want to disappoint Dean. You wanted him to stay proud of you. To never doubt the trust he had in you.
You headed back to the kitchen, finding Dean standing at the stove, stirring away at the soup. You placed the plastic case on the counter, and the pills right next to it. He turned around with a sad smile as he looked at the two things together.
“Fresh start,” he nodded.
“Yeah,” you agreed. “Thank you for being an amazing friend to me, Dean.”
“Always will be, sweetheart. We gotta look out for each other.”
“Dean, I’ve never told people a lot of the stuff I’ve told you. You know, the stuff about my mom and dad, Ketch, and the way I feel. No one else really knows about it, except you. I trust you, Dean. I trust you more than I have trusted anyone. I’ve always needed someone like you in my life, and I never thought I would have someone. I really hope that you know just how big of a spot I have for you. You are my favourite person, Dean.”
“You’re my favourite person too,” he smiled softly. “And for the record, I’m really proud of you for talking to me today.”
“Made me feel better,” you admitted. “What are the chances of me convincing you to watch some older Dr Sexy with me tonight, and maybe sleeping over?”
“High, very high.”
~~~~~~~~~~~
Part 8 coming Sunday!
Did you like it? What was your favourite part? Share your thoughts with me via reblog, reply or send me an ask! Your response is what keeps me going!
#The Man on the Side of the Road#Dean x Reader#Dean Winchester#Dean Winchester One Shot#Dean Winchester Imagine#Dean Winchester x Reader#Dean Winchester Fanfiction#Dean Winchester Fanfic#Dean one shot#Dean Imagine#Dean fanfic#Dean Drabble#Dean Winchester Drabble#Supernatural#Supernatural One Shot#Supernatural Imagine#Supernatural Fanfiction#Supernatural fanfic#Supernatural x Reader#SPN#SPN One Shot#SPN Imagine#SPN Fanfic#SPN Drabble#SPN Fanfiction#supernatural-jackles
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Midnight Shift: The Serpent at Burger King - A Seduction of Kevins Summary: The Devil comes disguised as everything you want, Alice Cullen comes with fondue fountains and Bugattis. wc: 1.7k Read on ao3
There was one simple lesson I learned from a young age and quickly internalized while living as a Cullen.
Never play chess with a psychic.
You think a mind reader is a problem? No, you just have to add on geographical distance and then you're back on an equal playing field; as long as you keep apart, you can use your best strategies and winning is still possible. A psychic though, there is no distance you can go to be hidden from their sight. Once they get their teeth in you, your odds at winning are – for a lack of a better word – shit. So, as I held Alice's gaze at our local Burger King, I reminded myself this one very important rule.
Never play chess with a psychic.
Too late.
If you did find yourself playing chess with a psychic, the best course of action would be to become irrational and flip the board. You might not win, but neither would they and you'd save yourself the effort. I took a deep breath and assessed the situation. There were currently five humans with ten pairs of working human eyes at the restaurant; flipping the board would be disastrous, either people would die or they'd bear witness to vampiric activity. So that's out of the question, next strat.
Though Alice had gotten used to reading around the blind spots caused by me, she hadn't totally mastered it yet. My best choice was to act without thinking and take over the conversation as much as possible. That, well, that I could manage no problem.
"Well, well, well. What do you have to say for yourself, Mr. Assistant Manager?" I addressed Gay Kevin, hoping to also neutralize Jasper. Mr. Emotional Roofie was another obstacle here, trying to goad my coworkers so that they emotionally overwhelm him was my best shot. "Showing up two hours late to your shift with no warning?"
Gay Kevin looked exhausted.
"Please, not in front of the customers," he sounded embarrassed. Not Kevin snorted and took the interruption as an opportunity to make Milkshake boy his drink and get away from Alice. Meanwhile, Straight Kevin hopped over the counter and directly headed towards the old fries – if we didn't do our duty to eat them, they would be thrown out.
I also took notice of the guy that came in with the Kevins; he was shorter than Gay Kevin but slightly taller than Straight Kevin, he had thick black hair, but more importantly, he carried a video camera with him. He observed us, brown eyes full of amusement, and I sincerely hoped he was a vlogger.
"They aren't customers," I chirped with a predatory smile.
"I am a one though," Milkshake boy frowned. I waved him off.
"You're Not Kevin adjacent. You don't count," Gay Kevin looked increasingly irritated despite Jasper's attempt at giving chill vibes. He crossed his arms.
"So, what's this? You decide to throw a party while I was gone?"
I was about to retort when Alice interrupted me. I glared.
"There IS a party involved, but not here and not right now. Alice Cullen, nice to meet you, I'm –"
"Resentment's sister," Alice scrunched up her nose but nodded.
"Yup! And I came here to personally invite you, other Kevin, and Not Kevin to Nessie's party"
"You said you were born on 9/11," Straight Kevin's said accusingly with a mouth full of fries.
"It's not a birthday party," Alice tried to clarify, only to be drowned out by Not Kevin.
"You were born on 9/11?" I turned to address him and realized he was making Milkshake boy a chocolate shake, ruining all the hard work I put into my performance. Today was definitely not my day.
"I mean, yeah, but not like 9/11 9/11. I'm only 16," Not Kevin nodded but then his eyes widened as a realization seemed to hit him.
"Oh fuck. I forgot that was 20 years ago…"
"I wasn't even born 20 years ago," Straight Kevin added and it seemed to act as a punch to Not Kevin's gut.
"God, you guys are babies. I remember my parents picking me up from kindergarten early and being glued to the news for the rest of the day," Gay Kevin's statement also appeared to have a negative effect on Not Kevin, making him look even more miserable. Camera man looked like there was no place he rather be. Alice, well, she looked endlessly irritated.
"I feel so old" Not Kevin whispered, shell-shocked.
"You are old. What are you, like 50?" Not Kevin glared at me.
"What's 9/11?"
I blinked. Everyone went quiet and stared at Milkshake boy, who looked very confused. No one spoke for a full beat.
"Jack's 19 and, uh, Canadian," Not Kevin shrugged helplessly and said as if that explained everything. He handed the kid his milkshake.
"Hey, I thought there weren't any Oreos –"
"ANYWAY," Alice said loudly and we all looked at her, "it's not a birthday party. It's more like a celebration of Nessie's first job. Our family would love to have all of you for dinner"
"She means that we'd love to have you at the event. Not that we want to eat you for dinner," Jasper added unnecessarily and made me want to face palm. So, I did.
"I wasn't worried about possible cannibalism when she said it, but now I am," Straight Kevin took a wary step away from Jasper. Alice rolled her eyes.
"There will be plenty of free food and you can take as many leftovers as you want with you," Straight Kevin seemed to seriously consider this.
"I'm in," Alice handed him a pink envelope and smiled. Fuck.
Improvise.
"Speaking of customers. We have one right now," I pointed at Camera man, "so we can't deal with you right now," I tried to push Alice out the store but she held her ground.
"I'm also not a customer," he shrugged, "I came for the rats"
Shit.
"Tài…don't do this" Gay Kevin pleaded.
"My hands are tied. I promised my audience," so he was some sort of vlogger. This was admittedly the only good thing that has happened today.
"See, he's not a customer. I can stay," I groaned at Alice's smug tone.
"Technically, you're both loitering. So, neither of you should stay"
"I agree with the Assistant Manager"
Alice and I stared down at each other while Camera man and Gay Kevin had a silent conversation with their eyes. For the next while, the only sounds that could be heard in the restaurant were Straight Kevin loudly chewing, Milkshake boy slurping, and Olivia Rodrigo's drivers license playing on the speakers.
Suddenly, Not Kevin snapped his fingers, drawing our attention to him.
"You know, it occurs to me that since both Kevins are finally here, I can take my break. Come on Jack, I'm taking you home," he quickly made his way around the counter and grabbed Milkshake boy. "I'll make sure to call if I'm somehow two hours late," I smirked at Alice as her eyes narrowed. I greatly encouraged any action that made her look like that.
Milkshake boy tilted his head and didn't let himself be dragged out of the joint. I had half a mind to help Not Kevin.
"But dad said to –"
"Your dad will be ok with this as long as you don't set the house on fire. Again" Milkshake boy frowned.
"It happened once. I said I was sorry"
"Yeah, yeah. Come on bud, time's ticking"
Finally, that seemed to get Milkshake boy moving and heading to the door.
"Don't forget your invite!" Alice called out.
"We're good," Not Kevin responded with a hand on the door and the other pulling the teen along.
"Did I mention there will be a fondue fountain?"
Not Kevin hesitated by the door and I could only feel horror as my stomach dropped. Not Kevin was weak for cheese and cheese related by-products.
"Chocolate or cheese?"
"Both," I held my breath. It wasn't fair, it wasn't fucking fair.
"Shame, I'm on a diet"
"You aren't –"
And they were both gone before Milkshake boy could finish calling out Not Kevin's blatant lie. I fist bumped the air and stuck my tongue out at Alice, fully intending to gloat over this minor victory.
That is, until I saw Alice smiling.
Fucking psychics.
"What's got you so smug," I snarked, hoping to get a hint of whatever vision she just had. She smirked and I could tell she could see right through me. So much for not playing chess with psychic.
"I had a sudden revelation that everything will be alright," her eyes twinkled with mischief and, not for the first time, I was very jealous of Edward. Why the fuck did he get the mind reading powers? Tactile thought projection was so stupid and useless the majority of the time.
"You're so fucking annoying"
"I prefer the term persistent," I'd prefer if she was set on fire. "Which reminds me, hey boys"
Camera man and Gay Kevin stopped doing whatever the hell they were doing and paid attention to Alice, who was holding up one her dumb little pink envelopes.
"What do you say, a chance to eat fancy rich people food and see some fancy rich people cars," Camera man turned to Gay Kevin.
"Babe"
"Is this like, appropriate. Professionally speaking," Gay Kevin scrunched up his nose trying to figure out the etiquette of this weird ass situation.
"I'm more than happy to take you guys on a spin in my brand-new Bugatti"
"Babe"
"Why does this feel like bribery?" Gay Kevin narrowed his eyes at Alice, he seemed incredibly suspicious.
"Because it is," I growled and attempted to set Alice on fire with my stare.
"And I fully admit it. I just want to throw a good party, and guest are a very important part," she stretched out her hand towards Camera man, "think about it, that's all I ask"
Camera man and Gay Kevin shared a look, and Camera man grabbed the envelope. Ugh.
"Wonderful! Remember to R.S.V.P., we'll leave you to it," she waved and grabbed Confederate hubby.
They walked away and I could hear Alice speak, her voice far too low for human ears, but just the right volume for me.
"There's been a change of plans, we're meeting up Esme"
I scowled. I knew it was bait, I knew Alice wanted me to hear her, and it was driving me insane. Why would they need to see Esme? Why would Alice want me to know this?
I fucking hated my life.
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After Hours- Chapter 14
Previous Chapter
Chapters: 14/?
Words: 2400+
Warnings: None
Tags: @milkymaidme @dangertoozmanykids101@alexakeyloveloki @little-moonbeam-666 @marvel-ous-fics@clovermariear@lynnesm@bitchyikes@moon-child-of-a-poet, @allthecraftandthings@bubblegumspitt @shockwavee @blondekel77 @nerd–nirvana @valdemarismynonbinarylove@nightrose64 @pastelhexmaniac @iistormii
If you’d like to be added, let me know. I’ve also posted this on AO3
------
Evelyn barely made it halfway down the hall, before she felt Loki’s large hand engulfing her wrist.
Screw him and his long ass legs.
By now the tears had long escaped her eyes, and she’d be damned if she let him see, lest she annoyed him even more.
“Evelyn! Why in the world are you -”
“ - Can I please...just go?” Her face was stubbornly turned away from his, as she attempted to keep her voice steady. But like he so nicely said a few minutes ago, she was easy to read.
"I will not let you go, especially if you're crying like this,"
Evelyn shrugged her hand out of his grip, surprising them both, "... I'm fine! Like you said, I'm too damn expressive. I'll get over it." She said that, but her voice wavered greatly due to tears.
"Please love, follow me back inside. My words were much harsher than intended...I admit that.”
He stepped closer, but she backed away in turn.
“You..you spoke to me like I was fucking slow. Like a child. How was I supposed to know you hated your sister’s fucking guts!”
Her tears flowed freely now, and Evelyn couldn’t help but feel more ashamed. She was always more sensitive than others, so whenever she was reprimanded, yelled at, or scolded in her younger days, tears would immediately follow.
Unfortunately, those feelings had yet to change.
“Evelyn, you are far from slow, and you are not a child. I.. I am sorry. That was not what I meant to imply.”
Loki wasn’t the warmest person in the first place, so he did not know how to comfort others through regular means, not to mention apologizing.
In fact, Evelyn was probably the first person he'd properly apologized to in years.
Simply because in the past he didn't give two shits how his blunt, unfiltered words affected others. If they understood his point, that was all that mattered.
But as a consequence, he caused the woman he cared for to cry.
“You said what you said, okay?” Evelyn sniffled, wiping the tears from her eyes, “I’m...I’m just gonna go home. I’ll grade the tests there,” she made her way past him to head back to the office. Loki immediately followed, his voice revealing a hint of frustration, “Please do not be like this,”
“Like what? Childish?” She picked up her bag that was lying on the couch once she reached inside, then gathered the pile of tests neatly into her hands, “I need a folder for these, by the way.”
Loki’s face hardened, “If you’re going to leave without speaking to me properly, then yes, you’re being childish. I apologized for how I phrased my words, but my point still stands.”
“Well... I got your point. But this was what you signed up for. An immature, clumsy mess of a woman. I can't keep secrets for shit, and I'm easy as hell to read. If you thought I'd be anything else...sorry to disappoint.”
Evelyn looked at him with mustered courage, holding out her hand, “A folder, please? Then I'll leave.”
She could see the gears practically working inside his head, as he stared at her outstretched hand with narrowed eyes.
It took a moment. And without warning, he reached out to grab her by the wrist.
Since the action was sudden, the tests she held against her chest with her free arm fluttered to the floor.
Loki pulled her against him, as he stared down into her widened, startled eyes,
“Immature and clumsy, you say?”
He laughed mirthlessly, and the sound of it sent a shiver down Evelyn's spine.
"My darling girl, while I am quite infatuated with you... I will only apologize just once. If you cannot sense my sincerity, then I am at a loss."
She attempted to pull back against his grip, but his hold remained firm, "I am not a gentle man, especially when I am this peeved. So yes, I spoke as if you were incompetent. And no, I will not do so again."
Loki brought his other hand up to her cheek, staring into her tear-filled eyes, "Because seeing you cry like this is discomforting. Any other time, I would have revelled to be the cause of it."
He let her go then. Unsurprisingly, Evelyn backed away immediately. "That's... that's a weird ass way to apologize..."
"Is it really? I've brought you to tears before, but at the time we both enjoyed the reasons why."
Evelyn was still hurt and put off, but she could not help the way her face heated at his suggestive words. She cleared her throat, hoping to bring her mind out the gutter, “...Anyway, the reason you’re so pissed is because of that lady, Hela. What’s the whole deal with that?”
At the mention of his sister’s name, a scornful expression quickly appeared on his face, “Must I explain? I was actually starting to forget about that horrid encounter.”
“Considering you hurt my feelings because of her, I think that’s pretty fair.”
Loki sighed in resignation. He did feel regretful, so it was the least he could do.
“Due to past...issues between us, she despises me, and the feeling is mutual. I am not sure why she came here personally after all this time, but I could only assume it was to make my life difficult. Evidently, I was correct.”
“Oh…” Evelyn chewed at her bottom lip, now feeling worried, “ I didn’t know it was like that...she won’t cause us any trouble, right? Like tell anyone about us, or..?”
“Not necessarily. While she’s certainly curious, I doubt she cares that much at the moment to take action. However...seeing her brought back unpleasant memories, and I imparted my agitation upon you,”
Evelyn did not step away this time when he moved toward her, and allowed him to slowly pull her into an embrace, “ I was worried about what she might have done and said to you if she discovered we were together, as she is still quite vengeful. I truly did not mean to patronize you.”
She listened patiently to his reasoning. Evelyn was clueless as to what kind of history the siblings shared, but it must be particularly bad to have affected his mood this much.
“As long as you know. I’m...I’m just really sensitive, and I hate being talked to like that in general. Especially by you.”
“I know, my dear. I will mind my tone in the future,”
He tightened his hold, kissing the top of her head, “How shall I make it up to you?”
Evelyn pulled away from him slowly, putting a smile on her face as she spoke quietly, “Um, I’ll think about it. But I just need some time to myself right now…”
Her heart dropped when his face transformed into a frown. Loki probably thought she was going to stay with him, but she needed space to evaluate how she currently felt. He apologized and she acknowledged that - but a part of her couldn’t help but still feel unsettled.
Loki fixed his expression immediately, his smile mirroring hers in its falsity, “If that is how you feel, then I won’t force you to stay. I will take you home,”
“Uh...actually, I want to walk home this time. It’s a nice evening out, so…”
Evelyn didn’t feel like riding in his car at the moment, especially with the tension currently between them. Aside from that, the fresh air would do good to clear her thoughts.
However, the look Loki gave her right then almost changed her mind.
Evelyn thought he was going to chastise her once more. But instead, Loki closed his eyes as he spoke in a deceptively calm manner,
“I am not entirely comfortable with you walking by yourself… especially since it has gotten late. But so be it,”
Before Evelyn could even breathe a sigh of relief, her professor interjected once more, “ Since that is the case, I will accompany you on your walk home.”
“What?” Her voice was louder than intended, but that was the last thing she expected him to say.
“Well, I mean, don’t you have work to do? And, like, I’ve walked home alone plenty of times, you don’t need to go out of your way…”
“You are my partner now. While I acknowledge your autonomy and independence, I prioritize your safety above all else.”
She became momentarily speechless, her mouth closing and opening as she tried to gather up another excuse, “Well, I mean, we can’t be seen walking together...and stuff. That might be suspicious right? Especially considering the whole thing with your sister…”
“Walking together is not a filthy act. We will be fine,”
Loki turned around to return to his desk, picking up his jacket from the hanger right next to it. He looked at the tests still strewn about on the floor, then back to Evelyn. “We will grade these...exams another time. With much focus. ”
-----------------------------
“Do you walk this distance every day?” Loki said after a while, as he walked side by side with Evelyn. Well, they were side by side - but she insisted that they remain a reasonable distance apart from each other, despite the fact that they were no longer on campus.
Evelyn blamed it mostly on paranoia, but she was actually just feeling petty. If someone wronged her in any way, she held onto that resentment for at least a day or more. Even if they apologized.
So Loki accompanied her mostly in silence, as he probably sensed she was still feeling a bit bitter. If he thought that was childish, he made no indication that he thought so.
Evelyn jumped a bit, his voice pulling her from her thoughts, “Uhm...yeah. It’s not that bad, just a half an hour walk.”
“..It is no wonder you were always late for classes. Does your sister not drive?”
“She does...but I just like the scenery. And I’m good at speed-walking.”
At her answer, Loki’s brows furrowed.
While the area where Evelyn lived wasn’t all that bad, it wasn’t good either. The streets were covered in litter, with the odd stench here and there as they passed by the shops and delis. The only good aspect he observed was the abundance of trees since there was a park in the vicinity.
Loki frankly thought it was filthy, but he kept that bit to himself.
“It is...nice. I suppose.”
Evelyn didn’t seem to notice his disdain and only smiled faintly at his answer, “I mean, it could be better. But I try to enjoy the little beauty in things, Y’know?”
Loki remained quiet as she said so, his expression thoughtful at her words.
The rest of the walk continued in silence, and Evelyn only piped up once more when she saw that they reached her apartment.
"Well, we're here…" Evelyn stopped in front of the staircase leading up to the building, turning to face him. The air between them wasn't all that pleasant still, judging from his stiff posture.
There was an awkward silence between them now as they stared at each other, neither unsure of what to do next.
Did she kiss him goodbye now? No, she still felt off. Then a small hug?
While she pondered her options, Evelyn didn't see that her sister had exited the building, humming a tune as she did so.
Candice stopped right in her tracks once she saw the pair below the stairs.
"Uhh...Eve?"
Both Loki and Evelyn’s gazes shot up towards the stairs instantly at the sound of her voice.
“Wait...is this…?” Candice’s finger pointed to Loki, as she looked down at them in astonishment.
Evelyn was frozen, whilst Loki’s expression was rather hard to decipher.
“Is this professor Laufeyson?!” Candice shot down the steps in record time, her body radiating with excitement.
“I...um, yeah..?” Evelyn replied awkwardly, still shaken by Candice’s unexpected intrusion.
Candice didn’t seem to read the awkwardness in the air though, judging by her next words, “Holy crap, so it is? Well damn, he’s even finer in person -“
Before Evelyn could reply in aghast and embarrassment at her sister’s bold words, Loki piped up with confidence, unperturbed. “Candice, correct?” Loki held out his hand for a handshake, which she stared at for a moment before taking it, “ Your sister speaks much about you.”
“Oh does she now?” She quirked a brow in question in Evelyn’s direction, before looking back to Loki, “Well, I hope it was all good! She tells me a lot about you too, Mr. Laufeyson.”
“Then I assume Evelyn informed you about us? And please, just Loki is fine.”
Evelyn stood in silence, observing the two as she marinated in nervousness. The tension between her and Loki was already off as is with what happened, and she hoped Candice didn’t worsen it with her choice of words.
“Yeah, I know y’all seeing each other. Wanna come inside actually? I just made some dinner and you can join us. I wanna know more about how y’all met-”
Evelyn’s head whipped towards Candice. What now?
She interjected immediately in alarm at her sister’s chatter, “ I - Candice, hold up would you! Loki’s busy and he has to walk back, you can’t just -“
“If you would have me, then I shall join you.” He looked towards Evelyn, her mouth still open after stopping mid-sentence, “ That is, if Evelyn is fine with that.”
“Of course she is! Right, Evie?”
Both of them turned to look at her for a response, and she couldn’t help but feel pressured. “I - of course I don’t mind… but weren’t you just about to leave Candice? And Loki...you don’t have to feel obligated to stay or anything,”
“I was just gonna take a lil jog. But nope, changed my mind!”
“I want to stay not out of obligation but to spend more time with you. This is far from bothersome.”
They spoke one after another, backing her into a corner. She had no good reason to argue, so Evelyn couldn’t help but eventually relent.
“I...okay. If it isn’t any trouble to you…”
“Let’s head inside then! I hope you like curry chicken Loki cause that’s all I made,”
“That sounds absolutely delightful,”
And so, Evelyn followed behind them helplessly as they trudged up the steps to her apartment, uncertainty piling inside her gut.
#loki fanfiction#tom hiddleston fanfiction#loki fanfic#professor loki#Loki Laufeyson#loki odinson#loki fic
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Hi love! I was wondering if you took emergency requests? I know you mostly do Klance, and I love them! But, a week ago I was verbally sexually harassed by my friend. It made me self conscious about my sexuality. (I'm a lesbian btw) and last night I had a nightmare that my friend...r**ed me. Do you think I can have Keith and Lance comforting the reader after waking up from this nightmare. Maybe Keith reminding her that there's nothing wrong with being gay? If you can't I understand. Thank you sm!
Hello there! First, I wanna say how sorry I am you had such a horrid nightmare and dealt with being harassed. That is not okay from anyone, even if they are your friend. I hope they leave you alone. I am a bisexual woman and though I have not experienced your exact situation, I have dealt with judgement from family. It isn’t fun and can do a lot of damage.
Secondly, I do not normally take reader requests. Personally I am not a fan of second-person. Like you have seen, I write mostly fanfiction from a third person point of view, and occasionally first person. I do not consider myself skilled in said POV, it is hard to convey, a bit confusing, and not my cup of tea. HOWEVER, I will try my best with what I can come up with!
Do be lenient with me, this may be a disaster >_< But if it’ll help, I’ll lend my hand to you.
Remember, you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you. Love is love.
Now, *cracks knuckles and bREAKS NECK* Lets try this out
-----------------
When you wake up, you’re in a cold sweat. The air around you is stifling. The blankets heavy, and for a moment you wonder if your bed is actually a coffin, ready to bury you away and suck the life from your bones until all that remains is a shell of a human.
You wipe your brow, slick with the remnants of the nightmare still lingering, a vivid, broken record player repeating the same horrible fear your so-called friend instilled in you.If you could reach in your head and pull out memories, you’d do it in a flash, removing the filthy, disgusting, wretched thing daring to plague your thoughts. It was real. Far too real. Yes you have been stressing about the incident for awhile, but you didn’t think it would be bad enough to enter what one would usually call a solace. A safe place among a reality ruled by chaos.
You switch on the light by your bedside, driving the shadows licking at your feet back to where they came from. You move out of the covers, feeling suffocated, and sit there, hearing nothing but the hum of the lamp and your erratic heartbeat.
You have closed your eyes, trying to think of something else. Something happy and comforting, but you just can’t get rid of this sense of...wrongness. The feeling of being and outlier and wondering if the nightmare lead to a truth.
You are so into your head that it takes you a couple minutes to realize you aren’t alone.
A red and blue hue glimmers against your eyelids. It is not harsh like the notifications of your phone, nor bright enough to make you assume your overhead lights were switched on. You peak through your dark eyelashes, sleep lingering at the corner of your eyes and a curiosity pushing aside the demons for a bit.
When you look, two very familiar boys stood before you. One with dark hair curving at the nape of his neck and eyes resembling the cluster of stars amidst a dusk night. The other with a darker skin color, tall and lanky, and the irises mirroring the seas of the beautiful and unknown. They smile, posing no threat or ill-intention. You do a double take, seeing if they would disappear the moment you blink, their bodies translucent. But they remain, the taller boy’s smile broadening ever slightly.
“You’re--”
“Lance,” he winks. “And this fireball is Keith. We heard your distress.”
“My...distress,” you say carefully. “This--this isn’t real. You guys are fictional. I must be dreaming still.”
“No, no dream.” Lance shakes his head, pointing to the window. “We are from the stars. I was going to come alone, but Keith over here is a sad pup whenever I leave.”
Keith rolls his eyes, nudging him with his elbow. “You know why I’m here, jackass.”
“Because you love me?”
“Literally not the point.”
“So you DO love me.” Lance’s eyes were practically sparkling.
Keith rubs his eyes, sighing. “I question my taste in men.”
Lance juts out his bottom lip, ocean blues big and watery. “How rude! And after I gave you a cute purple lion at the faire.”
You couldn’t help it, you giggle. It is funny to see the interaction take place, your focus less on your nightmare and more at the boys bickering, though with love placed in their hearts. It was nice, seeing something so natural. Sweet, even. It makes you feel less abnormal, though the slithering thing in your gut turned to remind you of why you are awake in the early hours of morning.
You cringe from the reminder, the boys noticing and quiet their conversation. They ask what is wrong, and you tell them as best you could without breaking into tears, though it proves challenging.By the time you’re finished, they are sitting by you, attentive and sympathetic, Lance offering his hand for you to take and Keith telling you you do not have to go into details. That is the great thing. They listen. Not once do they interrupt, shame you, or display signs of disappointment. They care not of why they were called, but genuinely concerned, the pain all too familiar.
You spill everything out. Even your insecurities. How you love girls rather than boys, your worry if the friend was right, whether there is something wrong with you or not. If you are someone in need of fixing; in need of divine intervention like so many have preached on television and on the streets. If you should force yourself to like boys rather than girls, and if you are deserving of love if you go against the hetero-normative standard friends and family kept badgering for.
They listen. But more importantly, they care.
“It’s scary,” Keith starts. “Not knowing if you belong. Being different. There is this whole expectation of you built up the moment you’re born, and if you don’t fulfill those expectations, it’s a gamble to be you. You don’t want to lose people, because you love the idea of being accepted. But you hate denying who you are, because it’s like slowly dying.”
“You love being loved. it’s a lot easier, but the closet you shoved yourself into becomes cramped.” Lance adds softly.
“I’m not you, and you are not me.” Keith says, looking to the sky. “We are very different. But if there is one thing I learned in my short life, being loved for all of you is the best feeling in the world. Being who you are, being what is right in your heart, it’s the wings you need to fly.”
He moves his gaze to you, and gives a warm smile. “Being gay--being you--is okay. There is nothing wrong with loving girls. You deserve to find love, even if it’s in a girl. Which would you rather be, feigning a marriage to a man and be miserable, or kicking the big man in the balls and smooching the hell out of the girl next door?”
“Keith, a true man of wisdom and words.” Lance jokes, earning him a flip of the bird. Lance smirks, it melting into understanding and kindness as he turns to you. “He is right, though. Honestly, that friend of yours can take a hike. You don’t need that negativity in your life. You deserve way better. And I mean five star better, not the bare minimum. Do not settle for less, go on and kiss the girl of your dreams. If I were to have remained closeted, I sure wouldn’t have been able to be with that man over there.”
He points to Keith, the dark haired boy blushing. Lance then grabs some tissues nearby and wipes away your tears. Keith brings you water, and they remain by your side until you felt comfortable and sleepy enough to curl back into the covers. The boys tuck you into bed, and you are hit with a wave of melancholy, for you know they are about to leave.
‘Don’t look so sad. Chin up, buttercup.” Lance rustles your hair. “We aren’t leaving forever. We will be with you every step of the way. When the hours are late and all seems frightening, just know we are beside you. You may not be able to see us, but we are there.”
Lance grabs Keith’s hand, Keith squeezing back and not letting go. “you’re not as alone as you think you are.” Keith says. “Your found family is out there, excited for you to enter their lives. Hold onto that hope.”
“And no one is going to hurt you.” Lance continues. “Guard yourself and stay away from that friend of yours, if you can call them that. You are not a toy. You are a human being, and you should be treated like one.”
“Call on us if you need anything.” Says Keith. “We will be there.”
And so they were until you closed your eyes, filled with nothing but sweet dreams and a sense of a weight being lifted from your chest.
---------------
I really hope this helped a little bit, dear reader. If you feel in danger, please contact someone you trust or report it. The behavior of your friend is not acceptable and should not be tolerated. I’d deck them in the face if I could
You are loved. You are strong. You are a badass.
Sincerely, Shania
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The Beginning - Chapter 1
[Mod Arts: A little fanfic about how Barley and Indi met/got together. Complete fluff with a side of mild family issues. Rating: PG-13 Word Count: 1631]
“Barley’s chill,” Monica assured as she clicked a few times on her computer. Watching her as she did this, Indi bit her lip. She had been playing Quests of Yore with her online friends for years, bringing someone new into the bunch made her feel slightly queasy. What if he judged her? What if he made fun of her?
Indi didn’t have another moment to worry because suddenly the boy was there in a loud flurry. His one liner (that she had missed) managed to make both Kyle and Liam laugh; Monica gave him a pity chuckle. “Tough crowd,” the boy tsk-ed before acknowledging Indi, “so you don’t have a funny bone Indigo Girl?”
Indigo Girl.
There was no malice behind the words –no intent to hurt or belittle– he was simply interacting with her like he would any other person. Her chest unconstricted and she smiled slightly. “Naw, I do, I just have a little more class,” she joked back and he chuckled in return. In fact, everyone had laughed at her joke, including Monica.
“So why have I never met m’lady before,” Barley asked, raising a dramatic eyebrow and Indi’s mood fell. The light, fluttery feeling dropped from her stomach. This was always the elephant in the room.
“I-Im sick… can’t go out…” Indi stuttered out quietly. Barley’s face immediately fell with hers and he sat back, his mood significantly changed.
“Oh… how sick?” He looked like a lost puppy. Indi chewed on her bottom lip before speaking. Why was he so torn up about this?
“Just Anemia… but it can get really bad some days. I get dizzy spells, bouts of random tiredness, random upset stomachs, and exercise is a bitch. My moms have decided it’s easier to keep me inside.” His face seemed to lighten a degree, but not back to its original state.
“Forever,” Kyle snorted out. The word hung in the air and Indi sucked on her bottom lip harder, she could see the cogs working in Barley’s head. She could see the moment he realized she had pretty much never seen the outside world.
“Well I get out for doctors appointments…” she finally spoke up.
“Enough of the chatter,” Monica finally chimed in looking bored. Indi knew it was an act, Monica was like an older sister to her, they would always look out for each other. “I wanna play some Quests of Yore.”
“Oh, of course,” Indi piped up, grateful for the distraction, “this new campaign is gonna put y’all through it!” She started pulling out her Quests of Yore journal and flipping through it, till she landed on her newest writing. “Sabotage, spies, amnesia, Civil Wars!” Liam and Kyle groaned, they never liked the complicated stuff.
As Indi started to DM the session she got a private message from Barley. Accepting the friend request sent along with it, she opened it. I’m sorry. She stared at the text as rehearsed words poured from her mouth. She stared until she couldn’t any longer because she needed to look at her notes for prompting.
~ ~ ~
The text was left unreplied to for three whole days. Barley had begun to wonder if he had said the wrong thing, if maybe she now hated him. It was late on the third day when he had opened the chat again to check –he always worried that his notifications might glitch and he’d never know she even replied– upon opening the chat he found she was typing. Suddenly she stopped, after a long pause she started again, only to stop. Sighing he turned off his phone and flung it on the bed, covering his eyes with his arm. Five minutes later the phone went off.
Snatching up it he turned on the lock screen to look, it was probably Kyle or Liam wanting to play online. He nearly dropped the phone when he realized it was a text from Indi. Immediately, he unlocked his phone to read it. What had she said?
I don’t know how to reply to this… I’ve tried for a bit, but I just can’t. Originally I had typed up this great message about how it was okay, and how it was for the better. But to be honest, I hate it. I feel like Rapunzel locked up in here. I don’t know what it’s like to be a normal… and that sucks. IDK why I’m telling you all this… but you seemed like you sincerely cared, so I thought you should sincerely know.
Barley drank in the text, he read it over and over until the words were burnt into his brain. How was he supposed to reply to this? He couldn’t just give her a throw away answer like ‘that sucks’, he wasn’t that type of guy. He genuinely cared. She had spilt her guts to him because she thought he genuinely cared.
And he was going to prove it.
Like what? He sent back.
Huh? She replied.
What normal things have you missed? There was a long pause as she typed up a list, but this time she typed furiously.
Stargazing, driving, going to playgrounds, hanging upside down in a tree, going to ice cream shops, just walking down the sidewalks.
Twisting up his mouth Barley stared at the text and honestly tried not to cry. This girl hadn’t had basic childhood experiences. She was a prisoner in her own house, not a child. Finally he texted back: What are you doing later tonight?
Why??? She answered back.
Just wondering.
That’s not weird.
Just answer me.
Nothing.
He smirked, this was it, he was going to help her tick off her list one thing at a time, starting with stargazing. Video call at 8pm-ish?
Sure?
Good, was all he replied before setting down his phone with a grin. Everything was in place for a perfect plan.
When 8 o’clock finally rolled around Barley started a call and Indi immediately picked up. “Which way does your room window face,” he asked.
“This is getting really creepy, are you gonna come kidnap me,” she joked back.
“No.”
“North.”
“Coolio.” Barley threw open his window and managed to scramble out of it, before Indi realized something was happening.
“What are you doing,” she was half laughing and half terrified.
“Climbing to the roof,” Barley grunted as he hoisted himself up. “There.” Refocusing the phone on his face he smiled and Indi gave him a real laugh.
“Barley, you are the strangest boy I’ve ever met.”
“Say what you must,” he joked back before settling on the northern hemisphere. “Are you looking out your window?” He watched as she shuffled around, and then he caught a glimpse of her room.
It seems lonelier than he imagined; white walls, neat bookshelf, the bed crisp and made, nothing on the floor (from what he saw). He stared a little too long, lost in thought and missed her words. She repeated them and he finally focused on the moment, but his stomach rolled.
“I’m at my window.” He caught her words this time around and plastered a grin on for her.
“Okay. See those five stars just to the right? They make a zig-zag line?”
“Yeah,” Indi breathed out looking up on her end.
“That’s Cassiopeia. And the right next to it, those four stars on the right, that’s Andromeda's legs. Ursa Major and Ursa Minor are out too, off to the left there.”
“I cannot believe you,” Indi suddenly laughed. Her voice held no tension, only great humor. “You’re trying to take me stargazing.”
“Well, yeah. I-I thought I could help you live out your dreams you know? Tomorrow we can hang upside down from a tree, and once I get Guinevere up and running we can go driving too!” Barley was blushing slightly, he didn’t know why, but he felt anxious voicing his plan.
“Oh,” Indi’s cheeks flushed and he noted how he liked that, it brought some color to her face. “I-I’d like that.” They sat in silence for a short time before Indi bit her lip and spoke.
“So, Guinevere?”
“Yeah,” Barley piped up. “Sweet van, automatic, roomie in the back. She needs a lot of work though; new breaks, the back lights are shot, a spark plug needs replacing too. Oh and I totally have to repaint her, tan is not her color.”
“Sounds like a real junk heap,” Indi giggled, “why did you even bother to buy it?”
“Her,” Barley corrected and they laughed together for a bit. Once the laughter died down he said, “I thought it’d be a nice summer project, you know. Make my own car, then it’ll really be mine. And so Guinevere was born.”
“No yet,” Indi corrected, “once you fix her up she’ll be born. And we will have cake, and party hats. It’ll be a grand birthday.” They chuckled together and suddenly Indi let out a big yawn. “Whelp, that’s my cue for sleep, I have to make sure I get what I can. It helps to be rested.”
“Of course,” Barley nodded.
“Thanks. See you tomorrow after school?”
“Yeah! We have a tree to climb.” Smiling at each other they hung up. Climbing back down and into his room Barley grinned to himself. He was saving Rapunzel from her tower.
~ ~ ~
As Indi went through her night time ritual to get ready for sleep, she thought about Barley. Why was he being so nice to her? She had originally thought pity, but tonight he proved her wrong. There was no pity in his eyes, there was only a caring glow. If it wasn’t pity, then what was it? What made this boy care so much about her?
Lying down in her bed Indi stared at the ceiling for a while before falling into sleep.
#onward#onward pixar#onward barley#barley#barley lightfoot#onward barley lightfoot#pixaronward#pixar onward#fanfic#fanfiction#imagine#imagines#onward imagine#onward imagines#barley lightfoot imagine#onwardsona#persona#onward persona#Self Insert#Selfshipping#Selfship#self ship#self shipping#indi x barley#indi mayor-paine
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such sweet sorrow
ao3
before she leaves, clary writes eight letters.
I. JACE
Dear Jace,
By the time you read this letter, my memories of you and the Shadow World will be gone.
It was the price the angels made me pay for the runes I’ve created.
It seems strange - and a bit cruel - that after everything you and I have been together, this is how we end. With me a mundane again and you reading a letter stained with tears I won’t remember crying.
But I have no regrets. These have been some of the best times of my life because of the people I was lucky enough to share them with. Because of you. You were right to think I loved you unconditionally. I do. And I always will. No angel or demon could ever change that.
And even if I don’t remember you, you will always be in my heart.
Love,
Clary
II. SIMON
Dear Simon,
This is really hard to say. I think it’s especially hard to say it to you, but I owe you an explanation. Well, I owe you much more than that, but this is all I can give you for now: when I created that rune today, to stop Jonathan, I made Raziel angry. So by the time you read this, I’m not going to know you’re a daylighter. I’m going to think you’re dead.
The hardest thing to come to terms with these past few hours has been the fact that I will never see you again. I can’t imagine my world without you, Simon Lewis. That can’t possibly be real. Life without you is just a horrible nightmare. But I’m going to have to face that nightmare soon, and I won’t be able to wake up. I’m just sorry that you’re going to lose a friend, too.
Please don’t do anything stupid like come looking for me or try to change this. You can’t change this. I’ve made my choice and I would make it again. Because this sucks. This really fucking sucks and I don’t think I’ve been in this much pain since my mom died but at least this time there is a point to all this pain: I saved people. I saved you. I’d give up anything to keep you safe. I wish I didn’t have to break your heart to do it, but I can’t change that, either.
I love you. I’m going to miss you. I wish we had more time.
Love,
Your Clary, always
III. ISABELLE
Dearest Isabelle,
I scrapped so many drafts of this letter. I don’t know where to begin in telling you what you mean to me. Asking you to be my parabatai was supposed to be my way of telling you how much I love you and how you make me better. A better Shadowhunter, a better friend, a better person overall.
But that’s no longer a possibility, seeing as by the end of the night, I won’t remember you or this life. Apparently Raziel doesn’t approve of my rune mixing angel and demon blood.
I know. I want to be angry too. But I killed my brother this morning and my runes are already disappearing. There isn’t a lot of fight left in me.
Give ‘em hell on my behalf, won’t you?
I should end this letter now, before I go off on tangent after tangent and run out of time and realize I haven’t written to anyone else. But before I do, I just want to thank you for being the kindest, strongest, most amazing woman in the world. I’m very sorry that I will never get to call you my parabatai, but I know that in some way, our souls are already bound together.
Love,
Clary
IV. MAGNUS
Dear Magnus,
A part of me wanted to write this letter and give it to you before anyone else’s. Before anything became permanent. I wanted you to run after and me and tell me that we can fix this, you and me. Point out a loophole, help me come up with a solution, help me do something. But there is nothing either of us can do this time around. Which is why I really hope you didn’t find this until after your honeymoon.
At times, I think you know me better than I know myself, so I doubt there is anything I can say that you don’t already know. But let me just say: thank you. For everything. I couldn’t have done any of it without you.
With love,
Biscuit
V. ALEC
Dear Alec,
If a couple months ago someone told me that I would be tearfully writing a goodbye letter to Alec Lightwood of all people on his wedding day, I would’ve laughed in their face. But that’s exactly what I’m doing right now, so I guess you were right: nothing in this world is impossible.
All jokes aside, I’m proud of how far we’ve come, both in our weird relationship and as individuals. During my time in the Shadow World, I’ve managed to build a whole new family, and you’re undoubtedly a part of that. You’ve been more like a big brother to me than my own could ever be.
I hope you and Magnus live a long and happy life together (by the way, congratulations! I can't think of a more perfect couple.) and I hope you don’t miss me driving you crazy too much. And I really hope I don’t forget the things I’ve learned from you all.
Love,
Clary
VI. MAIA
Dear Maia,
It seemed plain wrong to write to everyone but you. Truthfully, I don’t even know if you still kinda-sorta like me, or if Luke leaving the pack and you and Simon breaking up means you and I can’t be on good terms anymore. But I hope that’s not the case, because I really like you, and I don’t want you to think I’m an idiot for writing a heartfelt farewell letter to someone who hates my guts.
On the off-chance that you do, in fact, still like me, here is my heartfelt farewell letter:
I don’t know if the others told you, or if you even want to hear, but tonight is my last night in the Shadow World. By tomorrow, I won’t remember any of this, and I won’t remember any of you.
I wish you were going to be at Magnus and Alec’s wedding so we could use some of my borrowed time to get to know each other. I know it sounds like a waste, because I’m going to forget anyway, but I don’t see it that way. I mean, isn’t everyone living on borrowed time in one way or another? I wish I could use mine to do everything I’ve been putting off and get to know everyone I haven’t had a chance to.
Sorry, I’m probably being a little weird and depressing. I initially started writing this to tell you that I wish we’d hung out more, yes, but mostly to say I heard you were alpha now, and that’s how I know the New York pack is going to be just fine, and I’m more than a little disappointed that I won’t be around to see just how amazing you’re going to be.
(Also, Simon’s an idiot for letting you go.)
Sincerely (hoping this wasn’t too weird),
Clary
VII. MARYSE
Dear Maryse,
I’ve recounted this in too many letters tonight, and every time I bring it up or think about it my heart hurts, but here goes: tonight, Raziel is going to take my memories and my powers. I’m going to just be Clary Fray again, and I’m not even going to know what I’ve lost.
But that’s not why I’m writing to you. I’m writing to ask you to give Luke's letter to him when he gets back, and to say that I’m happy you’re in Luke’s life, and that you were in my life, however briefly. I’ll admit I didn’t like you very much when we first met, but seeing how much you’ve changed and how much Izzy and Alec and Jace and Luke and Magnus love you has certainly changed that. I wish the two of us had the chance to get to know each other, too.
Especially because right now, I could really use a mom.
-Clary
VIII. LUKE
Dad,
I’m sure the others have already told you what’s happened, so I won’t waste ink and precious time going into details. I’ll just say what I need to say. The important things. Which are these: I love you more than I could possibly ever say, I want you to be happy, and you should grow your beard back.
And this: I don’t know what’s going to happen now.
It’s only to you that I can admit just how scared I am, just how badly I wish this wasn’t happening. I don’t want to break your heart any more than I already have but I don’t think I could have said (or written) this to anyone else. And I needed to say it to someone. I'm no stranger to going blindly into dark, dangerous adventures, but I still hate doing it alone.
Selfishly, I hope to see you again. I don’t know if I will even remember you in a few hours (I don’t see how I could ever forget you, but the angels have their ways, I suppose), but I can’t imagine a life without you. You have always kept me grounded in this crazy, messed-up life every day since before I can remember, and even if I’m a whole different person tomorrow, that won’t change, and neither will my love for you.
But, anyways, I didn’t mean to make this letter so depressing. All I want to say is that I love you, and I’m going to be okay, somehow, so please just live your best life and be happy, because you deserve it.
And maybe be a little proud of me? I’m trying very hard not to let anyone down today.
Love,
Clary
IX. UNWRITTEN
Dear Clary,
You’re going to be okay.
#sh fic#clary fray#c: clary#r: clary x luke#r: clace#r: climon#r: clizzy#r: fraybane#r: fraywood#r: claia#r: clary x maryse#angst#canon compliant#canon divergence#fix-it fic
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i DO recommend these fics, but this ISN’T actually a rec list
a while ago i did a meta about Bucky Barnes and the Winter Soldier and Hydra and the headcanons I put in The Terror of Knowing, and I mentioned that I wanted to compile a long-ass list of fics that inspired The Hundred Year Playlist and ppl (hi @conlatio and @marveluc) asked about it SO HERE, AT LONG FUCKING LAST, IT IS.
Fanfiction, like every other art form that has ever existed in the history of ever, is all about synthesis: combining pre-existing elements to make something new. It’s the making something new thing that’s exciting. (If you’re not making something new with your found material, that’s called plaigiarism and it’s distinctly uncool.)
When I was in college and grad school, if we used material from other scholars to make a new idea, we made sure to include a bibliography.
Now this is fic, so like. Everyone knows that we’re using found material. We put the fandom in the tags and everything. But there’s a lot of unseen inspiration, because it’s harder to tag all the fics and metas you read that gave you ideas and inspiration along the way.
I’m... making an attempt.
These are some, SOME of the fics that inspired the headcanons and characterizations and whatnot that then got incorporated into THYP. I’ve been reading MCU fic since 2014 (possibly earlier) and I didn’t even start thinking about THYP until 2017, so there’s probably a lot of stuff that went into my subconscious that I’ve forgotten about. I’m @ing the authors and sources when I know them, but if any of yall want me to like, un-@you (is that a thing??) or if any of you know of authors who have tumblrs that I DIDN’T @ but should have, pls let me knoooowwww
A (Probably Incomplete, but at least Attempted) Fanfic Bibliography for The Hundred Year Playlist
by Seriously I Don’t Have More Important Things To Do? Astonishing.
PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS IN THE FICS THEMSELVES. THYP may be rated T for Teen (and even that I debate about tbh, given all the swears and violence) but most of these fics are very emphatically not. some of them will probably squick you out, some of them might be triggering, so take care of yourselves.
I’ve divided the list into sections by the story they inspired, but all of these stories inspired all the parts of THYP, this is a very very very rough categorization. Think of it as my fanfic n headcanon spice rack. some stories are going to have more or less of one spice or another.
Dreamers With Empty Hands
All the Angels and the Saints by @cesperanza
"You're a brutal person, you know that? You're always rummaging through my guts with your bare hands!" and then Bucky turned away, his long, muscled back curving as he sat on the edge of the bed, hunched and struggling for breath. Steve wanted to draw him, and he also wanted to blot the image from his memory: this picture of Bucky in despair.
Speranza’s Socialist Steve is deeply flawed in a way that people don’t usually write him and i love it so much??? He’s angry, and egotistical, and righteous in a way that’s hard on the people around him and I was like YESGOOD MORE PLS. It’s also a masterful example of how to write a story that’s ostensibly Steve-POV but still manages to make Bucky not only a main player, but a driving force. It’s about Steve, on the surface, sure. But it’s also about Bucky, because Steve is about Bucky and I just *clenches fist* love it.
cascades.
This fic. THIS FIC. Hngh. Okay so this fic is good on so many levels, but for THYP, the takeaway was me very gently lifting the Bucky-Steve-Barnes Family dynamic and then adding more swears to get to my take on the Bucky-Steve-Barnes Family Dynamic. Namely:
“Steve was a bit of a Barnes, too, wasn’t he,” she says.
“He was ours,” says Rebecca, shrugging. “We were his.”
i crie???
More Man Than You
“You’re very pretty,” she said, and Steve tensed up.
“I’m not a fairy.”
“No, you’re not, are you?”
this fic has a study guide. and that’s literally all I feel I need to say about it. It’s an exploration of queer culture and masculinity in the 30s and 40s, thinly veiled as stucky fanfiction. (It’s also pretty brutal so I’ll reiterate that you need to heed the goddamn warnings)
Also, lest yall think I came up with Billy Thompson in a vacuum, I didn’t. In this fic, there’s a violent mob runner called Duke, and Steve comes up with a plan to take him down, and Bucky makes sure that there’s a Different plan that Steve doesn’t know about. It’s all executed a little differently in this fic, but the idea lodged in my brain and got reused in THYP, and kind of became a central theme.
Good Morning Heartache, What’s New?
The Night War by @praximeter
IF YOU HAVEN’T READ THIS WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE. This is... honestly, just one of the finest pieces of fiction i just
HNNNNGH
I don’t know that I can point to any specific part of this fic and say “this gave me that idea” it was more the... the feel of it. The way the Normandy invasion is written and the way the trauma is handled and the way Steve is just slightly to the left of being a real soldier and especially this:
He asked me with a smile on his face what goes through my mind when I line up my shot—God and country? Pearl Harbor? Uncle Sam? —and I stared at him struck dumb from the question so long that I think he thought I was just plain stupid. The fact is that it is none of those things—not even close. It is sick, numb fear and careful, barely breathing so that I don’t miss. I must never miss. And then when I shoot, an awful thought curls up from my trigger finger to my heart “how many mothers must be praying I will miss?”
The Thirteen Letters
oh you didn’t really think that Not Easily Conquered wasn’t going to be on this list, didja? OF COURSE IT’S ON THE LIST. But possibly not for the reason you might think. That fic is legen-fucking-dary of course, and the scene where Steve gets stabbed was obviously very inspirational for that bit in GMHWN where Steve gets shot in the thigh, but the scene that really got teeth into my brain and Would Not Let Go was the one where the Howlies meet the Winged Victory of Samothrace and
Bucky knows the truth now. It is a deep and insurmountable truth. She has no face. Like the operative whose head he beat in, like the boy who he killed one month into active duty, even like Bucky himself, Nike is faceless. Bucky feels unprepared, or like he should have brought an offering.
Beside him Steve quakes before the oldest and the only god.
look my fixation with statues didn’t come from nowhere is what i’m saying ok
Sincerely, Your Pal
This fic haunts me because i hate the ending. not because it’s not good (It IS good) or because it’s not the right ending for the story (it IS the right ending for the story) but just because i h a t e i t. I just like happy endings is all, and resolutions, and this fic is why THYP will have a happy ending.
But also, I really liked the way this fic dealt with Bucky in Basic and lines like this really caught in my brain:
And of course I want to kill some Nazis I guess but not because they’re people. Not because I actually want people to die because I don’t.
And that sentiment definitely fed into how I write Bucky especially.
The Terror of Knowing
there must have been a moment by @redstarwhitestar (magdaliny’s marvel sideblog)
Listen, I’ve been trying to make sure that there’s a good spread of writers on this list but magdaliny is the exception. Magdaliny is the exception for a lot of things and there must have been a moment when we could have said no is always the first fic I think of when I think of a fic about Bucky’s time as the Soldier. Which is ironic, because it’s very much about his time after that, but that first chapter made uhhhhhhhhhhh an impression.
The fractured nature of the narrative, the way that the reader can piece together a coherent timeline but the main character can’t... that was very influential on TTOK. example:
“Kill him,” the officer says.
The subject says: “Why?”
☙
“Kill him,” the officer says.
The subject makes a mess.
☙
“Kill him cleanly,” the officer says. “Good! Good lad.”
I’ll build a house inside of you
Another magdaliny G I F T, an AU where Nat is much younger and Bucky is her dad, and if you think that didn’t affect the way I write Bucky and Nat’s relationship in THYP, then you are dreaming.
Past the praises of the handlers, above the hot wet smell of cordite and blood, Natalia can hear crashing and shouting down the hall.
“—goddamn animals, they're little girls, they're just kids, you fucking—”
Her father screams in English, in Mandarin, in Russian, and then he just screams.
I know that’s a super sad excerpt but listen and hear me when I say this fic is actually really good and wholesome and it’s got A+++ OCs and All The Widows and it’s just really good ok
Memory
Bucky is hard AF to write and very few people write him half so well as magdaliny but one of those people is emilyenrose and this fic is M A S T E R F U L. Bittersweet and achingly perfect. It contains this beautiful moment that really stuck with me, where Steve is comparing the post WS “James” to the Pre War “Bucky” and realizes...
He truly hadn't known James all that well. James hadn't let him. Hadn't wanted him to. Hadn't wanted anyone near him, ever—
—the way Bucky went, when he was miserable, when he was angry...
and that, to me, was kind of key when I went on to write the Soldier, because the Soldier IS Bucky, even when he isn’t.
Fool For Sacrifice
Dona Nobis Pacem
THIS GODDAMN FIC came to me outta FUCKING NOWHERE, I’d already written the first draft for FFS, I’d already started posting it, for crying out loud. And then all of a sudden I stumble upon THIS and i just
It’s already fading, just hours after the skirmish. And the wounds Sam stitched will heal without a mark. And the welts on Steve’s chest will disappear. Like all of it never happened.
Fuck the serum. He keeps thinking it, saying it. Maybe if there were some goddamn scars, it’d be easier to process the damage.
This fic is heavy af, it’s like the 65k word version of That Chapter in FFS Where Steve Hits Rock Bottom. This was the fic I read when I was ramping myself up to tackle That Moment
three white horses
This is the other fic I read to ramp up for That Scene, and I think that probably shows in the way I wrote it. It is also is a Strong Contender for the title of Heavyweight Fic That Convinced Me Buck Is Jewish. Honestly I cannot praise this fic enough.
I think the thing that stuck hardest about the Steve in three white horses is the way he feels ghostly himself, like he’s only drifting through the present, and somehow most of his living happens in the past. It’s very beautifully done, and very subtly done, and it’s my go to fic if I am in Dire Need of a Good Clean Crie.
It’s getting an extra long excerpt because This Is My List And Neither God Nor Man Can Stop Me.
Steve's fingers touch metal when he reaches into the second-to-last box, and he feels the blood drain out of his face even before he's looked down. He knows the feel of it too well. He'd know it blind, a hundred years from now. It's Bucky's not-a-medal.
It'd been Bucky's grandfather's, or maybe his great-grandfather's, made of the kind of sterling silver that tarnishes if you look at it funny, so Bucky had always been polishing it; he'd traded cigarettes to the mess staff for baking soda and vinegar, during the war, but the thing was still soot-black half the time, like it is now. It'd been a fool's errand, wearing a thing like that in Axis territory, but Bucky'd worn it on his chain like the rest of the guys wore their Christophers and Michaels, and HYDRA'd ignored it. It was a subtle thing, though: nothing like wearing a Magen David, or the implacable H on Bucky's tags, just a thin slice of metal with a stylized branch and an oblique squiggle Steve only knows is the Hebrew word for life because Bucky told him so.
Bucky'd had a curious mix of reverence and irreverence about it, the same mixture that seemed to colour the whole of his religious life. He'd teased Steve sometimes, saying, “No, wait, you gotta kiss it before you enter the building, you schmuck, what are you, some kinda heathen?” with his legs around Steve's waist. Bucky hadn't complained when Steve had carried on with an inch of silver between his teeth, but Steve had offhandedly called it Bucky's good luck charm once, and Bucky'd blown up; it's not a superstition, he said, it's not a fucking amulet. He'd apologized later, and he'd explained, and said it was a touchy subject, just ingrained. Jews weren't supposed to believe in luck. Bucky'd thought maybe it was the opposite: maybe luck didn't believe in Jews.
Sparked Up Like a Book of Matches
AH YES, THE FIC THAT TAUGHT ME ABOUT LIL AUDREY JOKES. SIPPY CUPS OF SUPERBOOZE! A ROBOT CALLED SHITCAN!! WHAT MORE COULD YOU NEED IN A FIC??? I really like the way it addresses Steve being in the future is all
This one could probably also fall into the list of fics that inspired DWEH, in part because of This, which stuck with me Hard and heavily influenced the opening:
“...You ever have scarlet fever?"
Sam shakes his head.
"It starts in your throat, like an itch, and as your fever starts to climb, your tongue swells up and turns white and that's when they know, really, even before the rash, that it's scarlet fever. You can't swallow, it hurts so much. You're freezing and your joints ache and your fever keeps spiking and you start to hallucinate. I, uh, I thought things were crawling on me and there were voices that I didn't recognize whispering things that didn't make any sense. My mom had to fight me just to get me to drink broth, but I threw it up most of the time, anyway. Then I got pneumonia from being so worn down from the scarlet fever and I was so lucky, Sam. Nobody seems to understand how I lucky I was to make it through. Talking to people today, to make them understand I'd have to tell them I survived bird flu only to fall sick with Ebola."
listen. For reasons I can’t fully explain, I really wanted to read that happening so i wrote it, and this is what being a writer is All About.
Actually, on a second thought, I might be able to explain it: it’s because an experience like that is Capital F Formative, and I really wanted to explore how there’s a tiny sick kid rattling around inside Captain Beefcake’s souped up bod.
(And an additional shoutout to Steve Rogers’ American Captain, a webcomic that now exists only in the Wayback Machine, but which was L O V E L Y and I sincerely hope that the artist knows that)
No Hope for the Weary
Strays
This fic? is so fluffy?? Like literally so fluffy. But this fic (and, obviously, Infinite Coffee) were very much behind the inclusion of the God Damn Starbucks, and also the source of a lot of my headcanons about Barnes & Rogers: Secret Millennials. For Example: Bucky’s Notes on How To Be A Millennial:
- Lots of coffee. Travel mugs or paper cups from Starbucks place. Often looks guilty for drinking, obv derive pleasure from doing so. Unknown as to why. Investigate further? Why is there one every two blocks if no one wants it there?
Infinite Coffee and Protection Detail
This is another fandom classic that needs very little introduction. A+ characterization, A+ OCs, Utterly Charming from start to finish, and the originator of a very distinct way of talking that got very strongly coded in my brain as Winter Soldier Bucky.
He passes within 4 m of Barnes on his way back to his building. The mission imperative achieves a Doppler effect.
contactContactCONTACTContactcontact
Aw.
If They Haven’t Learned Your Name by @silentwalrus1
If I had to point to one (1) fic and say “Blame This Fic for THYP” it would be this one: the Fic that my roommate and The Gal Pal know as “The One With the USS Motherfucker.” This might seem like an odd statement, because if you’ve read them both, I don’t think you’d necessarily put them in the same class. silentwalrus is a genius of hilarity and THYP is a big pile of The Sads. ITHLYN is delightfully unassuming and I’m sometimes embarrassed by how pretentious THYP ended up being.
I would technically put this under the list of fics that heavily influenced NHFTW on account of the way it portrays Bucky going by gradual degrees from murderbot to mostly human person, but listen I could never write Cryptid!Bucky the way Silentwalrus has. It’s magnificent. And TBH the level of Intensity in ITHLYN’s Steve has is something I aspire to, and the Sam Characterization is On Point, and both those things influenced FFS, 112%. Nat’s Chaotic Slav Energy in this fic is OFF THE GODDAMN CHARTS and I LOVE IT. Every single side character, down to the spaceship is given the kind of care, attention, and characterization that just... it cannot be beat, my dudes.
16/10 highest recommendation. I could not possibly pick a single paragraph from this behemoth but uhhhhh
Two minutes in there’s a grunt and a slippery, gritty noise somewhere to her left, and then the Soldier barrels past at breakneck speed, vanishing down another tunnel. A second later Steve careens around the corner, bounces off the opposite wall and crashes away after him, so fast he’s nearly a blur. Natasha’s brain, entirely of its own accord, provides her with the utterly unhelpful accompaniment of a Yakety Sax soundtrack.
that’s it. that’s the fic.
Also, this fic is Stoutly To Blame for the playlist aspect of the hundred year playlist? Silentwalrus really got me good with Grounds for Divorce by Elbow, one of my all time favorite songs, which was then paired with one of my all time favorite chapters. By the time Caravan Palace’s Lone Digger made an appearance, I was sunk. This fic introduced me to Lyube, and gave me a new appreciation(?) for dubstep. So many of the songs ITHLYN used ended up in my Very Long Stucky Playlist, though I think the only one that then went on to become part of the Hundred Year Playlist: Upside Down and Inside Out by OK GO.
And Finally, the Coup De What The Fuck Ever:
Ain’t No Grave by @spitandvinegar
yet another fandom classic... I wasn’t sure where to put this fic, but I couldn’t NOT include it in the list. Spitandvinegar’s Steve is charming and so? Sweet? and the ANG Bucky is a delightful foulmouthed mess of a person, and the Sam/Claire pairing is something I DIDN’T KNOW I NEEDED, BUT I VERY MUCH NEEDED IT and I don’t know that I can point to a single thing and be like: Ah Yes, This Bit, but this is definitely one of my faves:
Imagine you live in this country, right? And there's a brutal war, and you witness and maybe participate in a horrific amount of violence, and you lose absolutely everyone you care about. Then you end up in this other country, where the culture and ways of doing things are completely foreign to you, and random assholes make fun of you for how you dress and act and talk while you're still coming to grips with the fact that everyone you love is gone and you can never go home again. Meanwhile, everyone around you is like "smile, motherfucker, you're in the Land of Plenty now, where there's a Starbucks on every corner and 500 channels on TV. You should be grateful! Why aren't you acting more grateful?" So you have to pretend to be grateful while you're dying inside. Sound like an traumatized, orphaned refugee? Also sounds like Steve fucking Rogers, Captain Goddamn America. Except that most refugees were part of a community of other people who were going through the same thing. Steve is all alone, the last damn unicorn, if the last unicorn had horrible screaming nightmares about the time when it helped to liberate Buchenwald.
Usually this explanation yields a "huh." People don't want Sad Refugee Steve: they want Captain America, Indestructible Defender of Freedom. But that doesn't mean that Sam isn't right, because he is right, goddamnit. So yeah, Sam's a little protective of Steve. And if the last unicorn finds out that its best damn unicorn friend in the whole world is actually alive, then damn straight, Sam's heading out with a tranq gun and bringing that damn unicorn in and starting a goddamn unicorn wildlife refuge in his backyard. Or something like that: at a certain point the metaphor kind of gets away from him.
Til The End of the Timeline
I’ve recced this so many times you’ve probably all gotten sick of hearing about it, but it’s an invaluable goddamn resource and you should all check it out.
A Shit Ton of Metas and Blogs, some of which are tagged with THYP Research but especially @steve-rogers-new-york and @hansbekhart‘s How To Brooklyn and @historicallyaccuratesteve
and last but certainly not least
LITERALLY EVERYTHING @quietnighty READS HOLY SHIT
If you’re looking for a common thread through all the above recs, it’s that almost all of them have podfics, and the vast majority of those podfics are by Quietnight. I am, and always have been, an audio learner. I read my writing aloud when I’m editing, I listen to audiobooks when I’m commuting, and when I’m cleaning, and when I’m playing computer games, because I like stories, and I especially like listening to stories. Quietnight’s podfics are Of The Highest Quality, and her taste in fic is Impeccable.
hooooly shit this post is long wow okay. I can’t promise I won’t add more to this later, but I’m leaving it for now because goddamn. it’s as complete as I can make it at this time. I’ve added a “THYP Fanfic Bibliography” tag in my bookmarks, and incidentally I really need to make sure I’ve gone through and kudosed all of these because goddamn.
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My Journey to Delmar
Wow, blog #3! Who knew I had it in me??
My love life(if it could be called that) was never fun and mostly just confusing and messy until I found my husband.
I’d had crushes on boys when I was young but my first “boyfriend”(psh!) was in 8th grade. Back then I had a group of friends that was pretty evenly mixed boys and girls. At that time, we all basically played square dance with each other(it was just a case of switching partners when the last girl was done with whoever she was “dating” at the time. embarrassing, I know). My first actual guy who acknowledged the mutual crush we had on each other and put that boyfriend/girlfriend label on us was a boy named “B” (names changed out of embarrassment). He was sweet, funny, somewhat shy as well, but never seemed embarrassed of me. It was a quick, young thing that ended for reasons I’m not sure(patterns start here). I casually dated/crushed on other “square dance partners” from that friend group with little heartbreak or consequence. It seemed like I always had more feelings for them than they ever had for me(also pattern). I was friends lots of guys as well at school just because they were generally more fun/funny than the girls. My style at that time also started to transition to more of a punk/emo style that made me feel more comfortable and like myself.
Anyway, my next, more serious, “square dance partner” in that friends group started innocently enough, with pretty little thought that this one would actually change my life pretty intensely. This relationship started out pretty chill. Mostly just hanging out, taking walks, sitting together at parties(if they could be called parties). “O” was even my first kiss. Sadly, this was a time I initiated and felt like I was more into him than he was to me. We started hanging out more and more and with my close friends less and less. He started to lightly pressure me and guilt me in little ways that I didn’t even really notice. He would make small comments about things he liked and disliked about me. Sometimes he would contradict himself but I just assumed I misunderstood him the first time. He would even tell me things that I knew instinctively(!) were lies and stories but I just figured I was wrong. Slowly his moods, attitudes, preferences would start going from one extreme to another. His stories got more unbelievable but they also preyed on my want/need to help and take care of others. He had claims of abuse, neglect, being poor, but all of it had a ring of believe-ability to it all. So I always tried to protect and help in whatever way I could, even financially. With his swinging preferences, one day he would love my style, then say I was a “poser.” He wanted me to be a “bad girl”, then wanted me to be more “innocent.” He would love my curves, tell me I was fat, tell me to leave alone, then call me and tell me not to hang up for hours. Make me stay with him while he cried and tell me to go F*** myself basically. I sincerely stopped believing everything that I thought. **Big disclaimer: Ladies, Always trust your instincts. Don’t brush off that nagging voice. If you think someone is lying to you, they probably are. For those of you believers, I fully believe this nagging women’s intuition that people always talk about is the holy spirit trying to guide you. Don’t ignore that gut feeling. It can save you time, money, energy, heart break, and possibly your life. I’m not exaggerating when I say there are times I think this intuition saved my life.**
I second guessed everything. I mean everything. What I thought, wore, said, how I acted, even as little as what I listened to with my music. I would talk to my few remaining friends about him but I shielded him. I made everything sound less bad. I cannot stress to you how much he just straight up made me think I was wrong. Always wrong. I went from having normal female teenage emotions to my feelings predicated on his and his swung so hard that I felt just sad and anxious so much of the time. I didn’t even realize it either. Hindsight has cleared this up so much. So how the hell was I supposed to get away from this? I didn’t! I believe 100% that God used his mood swings to save me. He decided he hated his life in Indiana so much that he ran away to his biological mothers house in Washington. Also around this time he told me that his mother was diagnosed as bipolar and that he thought he was too. This did start to connect the dots for me in some ways but also made me feel like a crap person if I gave up on someone who was mentally ill. He straight out told me that he would never get on medication and never talk to a therapist. He thought it would take out his spirit of who he was(or some ridiculous crap like that). Even with this, I was so controlled that I still stayed with his ass. He would call and message at all hours to talk, to beg for us to be together, to cry, to yell, to vent about how terrible his life was. He even would tell me how he hated me but didn’t want to break up, but wanted to get another girlfriend who was better, hotter, would “take care of his needs”, as a second girlfriend. That broke my heart. Destroyed me. Made me feel like a piece of trash that had to be discarded to the side but was kept around for the scraps.
Finally, one night he flippantly said he wanted to break-up so he could be with this girlfriend(whom he did cheat on me with). I just said OK. I do not think he knew I meant it. He wanted me back almost immediately the next day but I decided I was done. I even eventually had to block him because he was still trying to manipulate me.
After that, I was a bit more hesitant with my heart. I still tried to just have fun with guys(laugh, make jokes, etc), but I second guessed when I thought I maybe had a crush on someone. Even now looking back, I remember boys pretty obviously flirting with with me but I thought they were actually making fun of me. I couldn’t fathom someone genuinely flirting with someone who looked like me, who was as uncool as me. Sad, huh?
The next guy I even attempted anything with was this super friendly guy I had class with. I crushed on him and I figured he didn’t have a crush on me but he was kind enough that he’d go to prom with me if I asked(he was a sophomore, so could not go by himself, so it made sense to me to ask him.). He agreed to go and we went. It was a pretty fun night, lots of dancing but nothing too remarkable. At the end of the night, after having an ok time, I got pretty bummed out when he basically left me at that. Polite after that but pretty much stopped being friends.
After a while, one of my friends invited me to go to a random guy she somewhat knew house to hang(aka she wanted to make out with said dude but didn’t want to go alone). I went, hung(very uncomfortably), and ended up being set up with make-out dudes buddy, “W”. This was another time I was half-sure I was being made fun of or being set up as a total joke. “W” had no balls to even ask me out himself. It was fully ridiculous, BUT, we dated for maybe a month. This was another time where I initiated the first kiss. I basically always felt like a joke with him. Like he was going to throw up when he kissed me. He ended up breaking up with me in front of his bosses house after hanging out the whole evening, just to get back with his ex-girlfriend the next day. Yey for me.
I even met some dumb joker who was a friend of a friend. I think our first interaction was on instant messenger. Two dates, me driving 35 minutes to meet up with him both times. He immediately gets back with his baby mama. I never wanted to admit that one. I will say that these terrible “relationships” all came back to this complete lack of self confidence and respect. I wasn’t worth anything better. Totally thought this.
After I met my husband, I still continued to have these thoughts. Still wondered when the other shoe would drop. When would he drop me and find out it was all a joke or a lie? Even in the past year, I am realizing I still allowed those things put in my brain long ago to still affect my feelings today. I’m still working today to be more clear and accurate in how I feel and how I look at myself. Also, allowing myself to feel happy and good when someone(AKA hubby) wants me to be happy and feel good. Insane but God is still working in my heart and head.
Also, I can’t emphasize how much my husband has done to be steady and strong, caring and loving. I know I’ve never told my husband the extent of what happened in my relationships in the past, so the fact that he has always been such a rock is that much more amazing. Whether or he knows it or not, he saved me. Literally saved me from everything I could have put myself through. I could never repay him. Ever. I’ll love him forever.
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The Talk | Tybalt & Lucio
WHO: Lucio Montague & Tybalt Capulet WHEN: Tuesday, April 14 WHERE: The Estate WHAT: Tybalt tells Lucio the terms of the Princess’s new decree and the pair have a talk that was a long time coming.
@ty-capulet
Tybalt
Ty's rage had slipped into residual anger and a bone-deep weariness that he vaguely wondered if his Father or Bea had ever felt as head of the family. It was that Montague crime lord's fault they were yet again in this mess. He refused to believe that Megan was at fault for the ending of their claim and certainly hadn't deserved being summoned for a verbal berating by her Highness. The only thing he shared with the Princess at this point was their opinion on Lord Oz. He'd ceased pacing in favor of collapsing in his study, a glass of whiskey in his hand while he waited for Lucio to arrive. Lucio. It hadn't occurred to him exactly how the submissive would take this news. Tybalt had merely wanted him there.
Lucio
The entire car ride was tense for Lucio, unsure of what awaited him at the Capulet estate. He almost laughed at how absurd it was, the fact that he was rushing to comfort Lord Capulet as opposed to his own family, but his relationship with Lord Oz was now marred, perhaps beyond repair. He felt more at home with Tybalt, and now more concerned than he had for any Dominant before him. When he arrived at the estate, he tipped his driver and wasted no time finding his way to Tybalt's quarters, knowing where the man would be. His study. He'd found the man in this position before, sitting with a whiskey. This time, he announced his arrival with a hand on Tybalt's shoulder. It was clear whatever had been discussed was weighing heavy on him. "What happened?" he asked.
Tybalt
The weight of Lucio's hand on his shoulder brought him out of his thoughts. It was a simple comfort. "The Princess is angry. Convinced that the families are playing games. She cited Oz and Megan, people who have left Verona entirely....even Emmet's death....to prove we have not held up our end of the bargain in the first decree. She thinks we are fools...she even insulted Beatrice's leadership. " He voice held the remaining anger from the meeting. Meeting? It was more like an ambush.
Lucio
Lucio sighed, knowing it had to be something awful that had been discussed. "Our families did what was asked of us. Even if we were playing games, her father's decree came without fine print. What more could she possibly want of us?" He didn't want to go back to fearing the loss of his business, his home, everything he'd worked for.
Tybalt
"She wants two more claims," Ty said bluntly, hating the sigh in the younger man's voice. "By August." The timeline seemed ludicrous.. "She will count Meg and Oz if they reconcile but that seems bloody unlikely and I personally would rather see him rot alone forever then subject Megan to him again."
Lucio
"Two more claims...?" By August. He couldn't comment on Ty's wish for Oz to be alone forever. Despite everything, Lucio still wished for the man's happiness. "Are there even any of us who are seeing one another...? Besides us?" But what they were was still not as defined as all that. He couldn't imagine a claim by August. He hadn't even entertained the idea of a claim at this point. Still, the fact was, they were likely further along than anyone else.
Tybalt
Tybalt hadn't even thought of himself and Lucio during the meeting. But Lucio was right, there were no other couples between the families at the moment. Which until now, he'd viewed as a good thing. Why hadn't he considered them earlier? He'd be lying to himself if he said he'd not thought of them being more...permanent but he wasn't sure either one of them was ready for a claim. "Besides us...no, there isn't. Not that I am aware of," Ty said, catching Lucio's eyes for the first time. His brain raced. Oz was a stubborn a man as he was. This could end badly."If we don't make it...the Princess intends to strip us both of our titles." A title he'd never thought he'd have but had done so much to prove he deserved in the short time he'd had it.(edited)
Lucio
Lucio felt gutted. He started pacing around the room, needing to move so his brain could process, make sense of what he was being told, perhaps come up with some solution that didn't involve he and Tybalt pushing themselves to do something they weren't ready for, something they weren't even sure they wanted. "Doesn't she see the good you've done for your family? What could she possibly gain by stripping you of your title? We met the requirements of the decree. This is ridiculous!" He stopped pacing to look at Tybalt. "What do you intend to do?"
Tybalt
Tybalt's focus had shifted as soon as Lucio began to pace. He could tell the submissive was already trying to figure it out. As if it was a problem that he could solve alone. Tybalt stood when Lucio stopped, took his hand and pulled him closer. "I am collateral damage in this fight. She hates Oz, that much was clear. Threatening me means that I will comply," he sighed again. "I intend to figure this out without sacrificing any of the family. I won't force a claim to keep my title. If I did that...I wouldn't deserve the title in the first place. "
Lucio
Looking down at their joined hands, Lucio wracked his brain. "She would ruin you just to get at him. This is no longer about what is good for Verona. It's all pride and ego. Disgusting," he replied, shaking his head. "August is not far from now. A little more than three months for two people to start seeing one another, fall in love, and enter a claim. I'm sure those will be very strong relationships." He couldn't help but roll his eyes. Trying to keep his anger at bay, Lucio clenched his jaw.
Tybalt
Ty could feel Lucio's anger radiating from him, it was in the clench of his jaw. "The Prince...he meant well enough I suppose," he said, shaking his head. "But the Princess...I don't know if her hatred is really that strong or if she really does feel slighted." Lucio made a good point. Any relationship that hadn't already started wouldn't be ready for a Claim. Not a strong one. Which brought him to the topic he'd been probably avoiding for far too long. "You are right. Three months...it's not long enough...but, maybe..." he started. "I have never sought to define what we are to each other. But, there is something between us. That much is something neither of us can deny. As much as I hate what is happening right now, it's forced me to think about who we are to each other. I...am not good at this obviously. But right now, in all this madness, I cannot bear the thought that it might drive us apart and that is something I never thought I would feel."
Lucio
Lucio's gaze met Tybalt's as it became clear what he was referring to. He was saying a lot of different things, all things that Lucio wanted to comment upon. He hadn't assumed a claim was in their future, or in his own in general. But he, too, didn't want what they had to end. To voice that now...it would not be easy, and it was clear this was not easy for Tybalt either. "I...well...I don't think it's much of a secret that I... care for you." He sighed, annoyed with himself, having to speak this way. "What is it that you want of me right now, Lord Capulet? I am not someone who is good at this either."
Tybalt
Tybalt did blame Lucio for question. Neither of them was equipped to deal with the question presented. That they were even choosing to have this conversation was indicative of the level of care between them. What did he want? "Right now?" Tybalt said, looking away for a moment before tugging Lucio closer and into his arms. "I want nothing you aren't already giving. I want you to know I care about you as well. And I want you to know that I...want to see if there is a future for us. One that really has nothing to do with the Princess' demands."
Lucio
Lucio looked at Tybalt seriously. Of course, he wanted to say more, but he was already feeling rather vulnerable, his care showing through his rage on Tybalt's behalf. "But if it came down to it....if it meant the difference between you losing your title..." He trailed off, unsure of how to ask the question. "You'd want to put a collar around my neck, wouldn't you?" He tried not to feel suffocated by the idea. "I...have never truly considered a claim before..." he admitted. "But I am aware you are the head of your family. You have certain responsibilities...a family, children...Perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself...I just...I fear making any promises. I'm not...someone who is equipped for what most submissive aspire to."
Tybalt
Tybalt thought about it for a moment. His title...that was something that was never supposed to be his. "Most of my life people have called me selfish. And I've never done anything to make them think otherwise. As much as I want to lead this family..." This was hard for him. Hard to admit that he cared enough to not Claim someone. "Lucio, I never thought I'd claim anyone. If I ask, to Claim you, it won't be because I am about to lose my title. My title was never supposed to be mine in the first place." Lucio may doubt his sincerity but that wouldn't be the first time. "Not to be a complete egotistic bastard but if I wanted what most submissives aspire to...I could have had that already. That's not what I want...I want you."
Lucio
Lucio had to think too. It was insane to even be having this conversation. After Aurelio and Giovanni, he'd taken special care to isolate himself. How had this happened? "You want me. Even if I never want a collar? Or children? I'm not saying a collar is out of the question, but..." It was a new consideration, one that he knew would likely destroy what he had left of his relationship with Oz forever. Maybe that was the sacrifice he had to make for his own happiness, but it wouldn't be without tremendous guilt. "I want you too. But I want to actually be right for you." It was as honest and open as he could be.
Tybalt
"I want...I want to find out what we can be. I want to give us a chance to see if a collar is what we both want. Because yes, I want you," Ty said. His family would call him a hypocrite. They already had. He didn't care. "I think you are right for me. I asked you on a date. I've...never done that. I can't say I've had a relationship with anyone that has lasted as long as we've been seeing each other. This...it's a risk. It's all a risk. I am willing to take the risk to find out if we are right for each other."
Lucio
"Then...we're doing this," Lucio replied. Tybalt was right. It was a risk. Lucio hadn't been operating under any other impression. He'd felt himself growing more attached to Tybalt and the idea of them together. "Together..." He looked down at his own hands that fell on Tybalt's chest, gripping onto his shirt without thinking about it.
Tybalt
Tybalt gave Lucio a tentative smile. "Together," he affirmed, hand moving to take Lucio's chin between his fingers. He held those lovely eyes for a beat before saying the word again. It was a promise. Ty brought their lips together in a nearly chaste kiss to seal it.
Lucio
Together. In a sense, Tybalt was willing to potentially give up his lordship for their relationship, and it struck him that it would likely be the biggest sacrifice anyone made for him. As he looked into Tybalt's eyes, he resolved to do anything he could to keep Tybalt from having to do so. And so the kiss sealed this silent promise in his mind as well.
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such sweet sorrow
Characters: Clary-centric
Relationships: Clary Fray & Simon Lewis, Clary Fray & Isabelle Lightwood, Clary Fray & Magnus Bane, Clary Fray & Luke Garroway, Clary Fray & Alec Lightwood, Clary Fray & Maryse Lightwood, Clary Fray/Jace Wayland (mostly implied), Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood (mentioned), Luke Garroway/Maryse Lightwood (mentioned)
Rating: G
Summary: She writes eight letters.
I. JACE
Dear Jace,
By the time you read this letter, my memories of you and the Shadow World will be gone.
It was the price the angels made me pay for the runes I’ve created.
It seems strange - and a bit cruel - that after everything you and I have been together, this is how we end. With me a mundane again and you reading a letter stained with tears I won’t remember crying.
But I have no regrets. These have been some of the best times of my life because of the people I was lucky enough to share them with. Because of you. You were right to think I loved you unconditionally. I do. And I always will. No angel or demon could ever change that.
And even if I don’t remember you, you will always be in my heart.
Love,
Clary
II. SIMON
Dear Simon,
This is really hard to say. I think it’s especially hard to say it to you, but I owe you an explanation. Well, I owe you much more than that, but this is all I can give you for now: when I created that rune today, to stop Jonathan, I made Raziel angry. So by the time you read this, I’m not going to know you’re a daylighter. I’m going to think you’re dead.
The hardest thing to come to terms with these past few hours has been the fact that I will never see you again. I can’t imagine my world without you, Simon Lewis. That can’t possibly be real. Life without you is just a horrible nightmare. But I’m going to have to face that nightmare soon, and I won’t be able to wake up. I’m just sorry that you’re going to lose a friend, too.
Please don’t do anything stupid like come looking for me or try to change this. You can’t change this. I’ve made my choice and I would make it again. Because this sucks. This really fucking sucks and I don’t think I’ve been in this much pain since my mom died but at least this time there is a point to all this pain: I saved people. I saved you. I’d give up anything to keep you safe. I wish I didn’t have to break your heart to do it, but I can’t change that, either.
I love you. I’m going to miss you. I wish we had more time.
Love,
Your Clary, always
III. ISABELLE
Dearest Isabelle,
I scrapped so many drafts of this letter. I don’t know where to begin in telling you what you mean to me. Asking you to be my parabatai was supposed to be my way of telling you how much I love you and how you make me better. A better Shadowhunter, a better friend, a better person overall.
But that’s no longer a possibility, seeing as by the end of the night, I won’t remember you or this life. Apparently Raziel doesn’t approve of my rune mixing angel and demon blood.
I know. I want to be angry too. But I killed my brother this morning and my runes are already disappearing. There isn’t a lot of fight left in me.
Give ‘em hell on my behalf, won’t you?
I should end this letter now, before I go off on tangent after tangent and run out of time and realize I haven’t written to anyone else. But before I do, I just want to thank you for being the kindest, strongest, most amazing woman in the world. I’m very sorry that I will never get to call you my parabatai, but I know that in some way, our souls are already bound together.
Love,
Clary
IV. MAGNUS
Dear Magnus,
A part of me wanted to write this letter and give it to you before anyone else’s. Before anything became permanent. I wanted you to run after and me and tell me that we can fix this, you and me. Point out a loophole, help me come up with a solution, help me do something. But there is nothing either of us can do this time around. Which is why I really hope you didn’t find this until after your honeymoon.
At times, I think you know me better than I know myself, so I doubt there is anything I can say that you don’t already know. But let me just say: thank you. For everything. I couldn’t have done any of it without you.
With love,
Biscuit
V. ALEC
Dear Alec,
If a couple months ago someone told me that I would be tearfully writing a goodbye letter to Alec Lightwood of all people on his wedding day, I would’ve laughed in their face. But that’s exactly what I’m doing right now, so I guess you were right: nothing in this world is impossible.
All jokes aside, I’m proud of how far we’ve come, both in our weird relationship and as individuals. During my time in the Shadow World, I’ve managed to build a whole new family, and you’re undoubtedly a part of that. You’ve been more like a big brother to me than my own could ever be.
I hope you and Magnus live a long and happy life together (by the way, congratulations! I can't think of a more perfect couple.) and I hope you don’t miss me driving you crazy too much. And I really hope I don’t forget the things I’ve learned from you all.
Love,
Clary
VI. MAIA
Dear Maia,
It seemed plain wrong to write to everyone but you. Truthfully, I don’t even know if you still kinda-sorta like me, or if Luke leaving the pack and you and Simon breaking up means you and I can’t be on good terms anymore. But I hope that’s not the case, because I really like you, and I don’t want you to think I’m an idiot for writing a heartfelt farewell letter to someone who hates my guts.
On the off-chance that you do, in fact, still like me, here is my heartfelt farewell letter:
I don’t know if the others told you, or if you even want to hear, but tonight is my last night in the Shadow World. By tomorrow, I won’t remember any of this, and I won’t remember any of you.
I wish you were going to be at Magnus and Alec’s wedding so we could use some of my borrowed time to get to know each other. I know it sounds like a waste, because I’m going to forget anyway, but I don’t see it that way. I mean, isn’t everyone living on borrowed time in one way or another? I wish I could use mine to do everything I’ve been putting off and get to know everyone I haven’t had a chance to.
Sorry, I’m probably being a little weird and depressing. I initially started writing this to tell you that I wish we’d hung out more, yes, but mostly to say I heard you were alpha now, and that’s how I know the New York pack is going to be just fine, and I’m more than a little disappointed that I won’t be around to see just how amazing you’re going to be.
(Also, Simon’s an idiot for letting you go.)
Sincerely (hoping this wasn’t too weird),
Clary
VII. MARYSE
Dear Maryse,
I’ve recounted this in too many letters tonight, and every time I bring it up or think about it my heart hurts, but here goes: tonight, Raziel is going to take my memories and my powers. I’m going to just be Clary Fray again, and I’m not even going to know what I’ve lost.
But that’s not why I’m writing to you. I’m writing to ask you to give Luke's letter to him when he gets back, and to say that I’m happy you’re in Luke’s life, and that you were in my life, however briefly. I’ll admit I didn’t like you very much when we first met, but seeing how much you’ve changed and how much Izzy and Alec and Jace and Luke and Magnus love you has certainly changed that. I wish the two of us had the chance to get to know each other, too.
Especially because right now, I could really use a mom.
-Clary
VIII. LUKE
Dad,
I’m sure the others have already told you what’s happened, so I won’t waste ink and precious time going into details. I’ll just say what I need to say. The important things. Which are these: I love you more than I could possibly ever say, I want you to be happy, and you should grow your beard back.
And this: I don’t know what’s going to happen now.
It’s only to you that I can admit just how scared I am, just how badly I wish this wasn’t happening. I don’t want to break your heart any more than I already have but I don’t think I could have said (or written) this to anyone else. And I needed to say it to someone. I'm no stranger to going blindly into dark, dangerous adventures, but I still hate doing it alone.
Selfishly, I hope to see you again. I don’t know if I will even remember you in a few hours (I don’t see how I could ever forget you, but the angels have their ways, I suppose), but I can’t imagine a life without you. You have always kept me grounded in this crazy, messed-up life every day since before I can remember, and even if I’m a whole different person tomorrow, that won’t change, and neither will my love for you.
But, anyways, I didn’t mean to make this letter so depressing. All I want to say is that I love you, and I’m going to be okay, somehow, so please just live your best life and be happy, because you deserve it.
And maybe be a little proud of me? I’m trying very hard not to let anyone down today.
Love,
Clary
IX. UNWRITTEN
Dear Clary,
You’re going to be okay.
#canon compliant#angst#goodbyes#c: clary#r: clary & simon#r: clary & izzy#r: clary & luke#r: clary & magnus#r: clary & alec#r: clary & maia#r: clary & maryse#r: clace
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Unspoken | Part 2
Dean x Reader
Summary: Dean is unresponsive and kind of a dick in your relationship lately and you decide to finally leave. Events cause a bond with Crowley. What happens when Dean finds out?
Words count: 1816
7 1/2 hours later, 2 gas stops and 1 long cry session along the side of the road and you had finally made it to Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Jody had always said you and the guys were welcome had you ever needed it, and well, you needed it. At least just for a few days until you figured out just where you intended to go. She welcomed you in with open arms although she had grimaced a little when you told her you left Dean and would appreciate her not telling him you were there if he called. "Just while I'm here. After I leave I don't care what you tell him, please" you begged. "All right, all right. Go put your bag in the guest room and get some sleep. I'll make breakfast in the morning and we're going to talk about this" she mothered. Rolling your eyes, you thanked her and went back to the guest room.
After a hot shower you tried laying down to sleep but instead tossed, turned, and cried so much there was no sleep to be had. You got up, threw on a clean pair of jeans and t-shirt and grabbed your jacket and keys before heading out the door for a drive.
You sat at that crossroads for what felt like ages deciding whether you were making the right choice or not. You got as far as actually putting the box in the hole 3 times, but couldn’t bring yourself to cover it with dirt, summoning a demon to make a deal with. You felt like you had walked 3 miles with the amount of times you walked from the car to the hole to the side of the road to sit and cry or throw up.
"Darling I have never had someone debating a deal so long in my life...well after life" you heard Crowley's distinct accent and annoyance from behind you. You turned to see him leaning against the street sign inspecting his fingernails as if he might have gotten some disgusting mortal dirt on them.
"Gee sorry to bother you. I'm sure you had nothing nefarious to do" you scoffed.
"Well I did have plans but then some of my minions came to me complaining of this pull at a crossroads that kept snapping back at the last minute. Thought that sounded like something that might amuse me. So spit it out sweetheart. I haven't heard any chatter about those two dolts being on a hitlist... well not any new ones at least, so this can't be about them" he rattled on.
Again you just started crying uncontrollably without being able to get any coherent words out. Crowley sighed and rolled his eyes before stepping over to you to wrap his arms around you in a caring hug. "Now now pet, what's got you blubbering about" he asked sincerely. You had been one person Crowley didn’t hate even though you were a hunter. He had this small soft spot for the boys, but since you had helped him out and not been a douchebag hunter like most and actually got to know people/monsters before just blowing them away or chopping off heads, Crowley had always liked you. That and you could dish out as much crap as he gave, especially to Dean and Sam, he genuinely didn't want you hurting. As soon as you could stop crying enough to tell him what happened, he insisted you two talk somewhere other than the side of a dirt road. "This is a Tom Ford after all"' he boasted about his tailored Jacquard stitched suit.
With that he snapped his fingers and you found the two of you sitting at a large white marble and glass dining table in the middle of an impressively large white dining room with minimalist art flanking the side walls, a gigantic beautiful kitchen behind you and a floor to ceiling glass window overlooking a gorgeous lake in front of you. You looked at him wide eyed and he simply shrugged his shoulders "What, I have a summer home, sue me". That's so Crowley to say. A fruit platter, bread and cheese platter, and piping hot tea was splayed out in front of you. You snagged a slice or melon and started talking about everything that had been going on, like he was one of your best girlfriends, not thinking that he could use this against Dean or you in fact at any time he saw fit.
The two of you walked for about 3 hours when you had started yawning. He snapped you back to your car at the side of the road in South Dakota a few miles from Jody's house. He gave you a phone with his number in it, since you left yours at the bunker not wanting it to be tracked, and told you to call when you thought about his offer and disappeared. You drove back to Jody's and went straight to bed, feeling a little better since having talked to someone, even if it was the King of Hell himself.
When Jody had woken you up to ask if you wanted breakfast you politely declined and went back to sleep. You actually stayed in bed moping all day. Jody had brought in a plate of breakfast anyway and had sighed disapprovingly when she saw it had been untouched later that day when she brought in some lunch. "Honey I know you're upset but you gotta eat something" she rubbed your arm as you stared out the window from where you were still lying in bed. "Do you need me to stay home with you? I should just call out. I'm going to call out" she prattled. "No. I'm fine Jody. Go to work. I was just going to get up anyway" you lied to appease her caring nature. "All right, but you had better get some eating done missy or I'll shove it down your throat when I get back" she threatened unconvincingly. You grabbed the sandwich off the plate and took a bite of it, giving her a cheek filled smile "happy"? She shot you a pissy smile and left for work. As soon as she was out the door you spit out the sandwich and laid back down.
You were starving, but not for some turkey sandwich and chips. You decided to go check out the fridge. Nothing looked appealing while everything looked appealing at the same time. Ugh, you closed the fridge and went back to your room not having decided anything was worth eating, so you ate the damn turkey sandwich and chips. Then you went back to bed. Thoughts of what you had, what happened, and the options laid in front of you swirled around in your head, making you start crying once again. Good thing that crying often led you to sleep.
When you awoke again it was dark out already. You checked the time, 9:39pm. You got up to go downstairs, seeing the empty lunch plate was gone, you assumed Jody was home from work and had checked on you so she grabbed it. You made your way down the hall when you heard her phone ring.
"Heeeey Dean, what's up?"
"No I haven't heard from her, why?"
"What did you do?"
"Uh huh, right and elves shrink my clothes while I sleep at night!"
"Yah yah, I'll call if I hear anything"
"You too, Bye"
She turned to see you leaning against the wall entering the living room. "Thanks" you offered a genuine smile.
"I keep my promises. Now you wanna tell me what happened between you two?"
"Ugh Jody I don’t want to talk about it again" you whined.
"Ok fine, I'll just call Dean back and tell him to come over so we can all talk about it" she gave you her dare me to smile. You did not want to dare her.
"FINE!" You balled your hands up into fists at her. Damn her and her motherly ways.
You followed her into the kitchen where you grabbed some sodas and sat at the dining table while she made microwave popcorn. You started spilling your guts while she listened and gave a head nod and a mmmhmm once in a while.
"Why didn’t you call me, I thought we were friends?" She asked looking hurt.
"How many people in this line of work do you know that are good at sharing feelings with other people?" You retorted sarcastically.
"True. But when your relationship starts tanking after 2 years, I'd think that would warrant a call" she replied pointing a finger.
"Next time I promise I'll call MOM" you laughed.
"Very funny. So what's your plan now?"
"I am still thinking about that. I think I'll just throw a dart at the map and go" you said as you picked at the handful of popcorn in your hand.
"Are you going to play with that all night or actually eat it?"
"I completely planned on playing with it, but now that you've uncovered my plan I guess I'll eat it."
The two of you talked for about another hour until she retired for bed having to work in the morning. You told her you were going to shower and go for a drive, maybe a bite to eat at the diner in town so she didn’t worry.
And that's what you did. Showered and went to the diner. Once you walked in you spotted an oddly overdressed gentleman sitting at one of the booths. You walked over and sat facing him. "Kinda not the place I'd expect to catch suck a dapperly dressed man in" you smiled.
"As opposed to the side of a dirt road perhaps?" Crowley responded with his usual sarcastic inflection. "So any news for me?" He asked.
"I want to go over some details, how's this going to work, any possible loopholes you might be hiding first" you squinted suspiciously at him.
Placing his hand to his chest "Darling I'm offended at the accusation that I would be so devious as to loophole anyone. Ok I have on occasion in the past, but this is a true-blue offer for you. I simply want to help."
"A wise man once told me the devil is in the details darling" you grinned.
"Oh he sounds quite handsome too" the witty banter never ended with him.
Details were discussed as you downed a double bacon cheeseburger, large cheese fries, a milkshake, and 2 pieces of cherry pie.
The next morning you picked up your bag from Jody's, left her a note thanking her for the hospitality and friendship but you were ready to start a new chapter of your life and you'd stay in touch. With that, you grabbed your keys and headed out to your car where Crowley waited patiently in the passenger seat.
To be continued...
Part 1 .. Part 3
@feelmyroarrrr @nervousmemzie @imamotherfuckingstar-lord @nolahxrocks
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