#in conclusion i love them all

[crowleave]

ok so the thing is, the kiss really was the best way crowley knew to convey his feelings to aziraphale because nina and maggie were right, they do talk but they never say what they mean.

but that doesn’t mean they don’t understand each other, at least to a certain extent.

and crowley knows aziraphale

he knows that he loves books and plays and the stories made by humanity. he watches his angel learn magic the human way and finds out he learned french the human way and knows better than anyone how much he loves human food. he throws a ball to get nina and maggie together because that’s what the humans in jane austen novels would do.

crowley knows that aziraphale romanticizes humanity, loves the drama and the stories and every little thing that makes humans human.

and what could be more human than a desperate kiss asking someone to stay

[dumbasswhatever]

whenever i glance at the aa4 transcript i have to force myself to close the tab quickly or i'll spend forever scrolling on it bc the characters are just too funny. apollo and trucy went in klavier's office and looked at the cocoon replica on a plate and began guessing what it was. "is that... gum, maybe?" "gum?" "yeah, he was chewing it when he got a phone call so he put it on the plate for later consumption" "you'd think a rockstar would be able to afford a fresh piece..." all while klavier is standing there two feet away from them able to hear every word

[turtleblogatlast]

I think about Leo’s “I’m your least favorite” comment to Splinter in “Down with the Sickness” a lot. It’s likely just a throwaway comment, a way to get Splinter to leave him alone before Leo gets sick too, but I can’t help but wonder if Leo believes it on some level.

Obviously it’s not true, Splinter loves him as much as he loves the others, but…it wouldn’t be shocking if Leo believed otherwise. After all, just in “Many Unhappy Returns” alone, Splinter has, with no hesitation, said comments like “my other sons would have taken this seriously” and “I knew I should’ve brought purple”, said “no” to Leo’s “I love you”, and pretty blatantly didn’t extend any trust in Leo’s plan even after Leo was fairly effortlessly defeating their opponents.

It was only after, when they’d already won, that Splinter finally gives him a “it was all you my son!” And…that’s basically it. Raph is the one who announces his trust in Leo. Not their father, even though Splinter is the one to witness Leo lowering his walls for once (which Splinter doesn’t react well too, because Leo only lowers his walls in the most hectic of times, and because he lowers them only then, either no one is around or no one is in the right state of mind to respond properly, leading to Leo building his walls back up, and the cycle continues.)

Again, it’s not because Splinter doesn’t love Leo, but Leo…can’t be feeling too good about all that. The way he never reacted surprised about any of Splinter’s words too…

He may know that Splinter loves them all, as a group, but individually…I don’t think Leo believes he ranks all that high with that love. Gives another meaning to “I’m nothing without my brothers” huh?

(Of course, I’m willing to bet the invasion changed that understanding, but with that comes the potential misunderstanding that his father’s outright love is tied to Leo sacrificing himself.)

[caitlynmeow]

Alcina gets no blood because she's a noblewoman with class and she always wipes her mouth clean afterward but her daughters are messy and they just don't care (and she lets them be)

[speakofcompersion]

God of Performance Taemin ft. the cutest audience in the world 🥰 Move on AKMU's The Seasons: Long Day, Long Night (231103)

Bonus: AKMU also being cute

[cluescorner]

I cannot imagine being a Damian stan right now. You've got both Zdarsky's bullshit (where he clearly doesn't give a shit about your boy) and The Boy Wonder (where Juni Ba clearly gives so many shits about your boy) coming out on the same day. The whiplash must be insane. I hope y'all get some nice warm soup for your efforts jfc

[turtletoria]

my favorite wordgirl character, jerma

[just-existing-as-you-do-blog]

Listen I don't think Ven and Icarus could ever get together except in what if fics BUT what I could see happening is Icarus having a deeply unrequited crush on Ven that they would not be willing to explore because Icarus is under the impression that Fable will be bringing everyone back from the dead. OR post war I could see them developing either a QPR or a romantic relationship as they heal (if they both survive that is.)

[mayhemart]

✨✨ New hyperfixation acquired ✨✨

[izartn]

So, about how I see Link Click's Lu Guang and Cheng Xiaoshi relationship:

As it stands in canon? Queerplatonic partners. And it's convenient for the plot that they're like this.

Because of Chinese censorship it can't be explicitly romantic, yes I know it. Let me tell why it's queerplatonic for me. The way these two have intertwined their lives and futures together?!

Owning a business and living together, that hint in ep2 (comparing them to the subtextually older lesbian couple who also came across as queerplatonic bc censure) where Xiaoshi wonders/fears if years down the line he and Lu Guang will separate/break up implying their partnership is for life as far as he's concerned (the parallel can be taken as a subtext romance too but follow me we're talking text), the way they were already going also on vacancies together three years prev in canon, etc...

Without entering on their complimentary powers and the way the dives need both of them if they want security in not screwing the past, and the inmense trust and vulnerability the dives themselves require?

They're not simply best friends either.

Those aren't the actions of normal, totally not queer friends. Cheng Xiaoshi checks out women on the dives, sure, (and men too when the host is feeling it which I love bc they can't address it directly bc censorship and then it comes across as Xiaoshi being super confident in his own relationship to sexuality/gender) but I don't think he would ever date bc Lu Guang is already there, filling that place in his life minus sex and romance but all that same companionship and intensity of feeling.

These two meet in what, the last year/s of High School and then proceeded to latch onto each other with a commitment reserved for romantic partners.

And I know you want to say, "it's the censorship! they'd be romantic and canon if not for the censorship!"

Are you sure? Are you sure the story would work if there were explicit romance in it? (I mean, if they could I'm pretty sure they would have nailed it anyways but allow me my a-spec delusions) Cheng Xiaoshi and Lu Guang feel so much like an already established pair, they work like one, and Link Click is not about them coming together like many other stories. Are you sure this would work as BL?

There's a distinct difference on the way they start the show already like six years at least since they're best friends and three or two since they live together. That's not usually how it goes. I'm talking not just romances but every buddy or nakama anime/show, where the protag has to learn to work with who will be his best friend or rival. These stories usually have the same kind of plot progression as a romance which is why they work so well when you make the subtext text.

But a story where the main romance is already established and we're following a plot that has nothing to do with it? Much more rare, even stranger to find them well done although there are some very good ones and with the friendships instead of romo they're more common. For example, Soul Eater, which is all about the trials of it and how they hace to truly come to understand each other. That's Link Click a bit, but not even then.

Link Click juggling a budding romance between Lu Guang and Cheng Xiaoshi with all the other stuff is going on?? Messier for sure. I don't know if people would have liked it as much or if the donghua would have been as well done.

As it is, Link Click has the exact level of emotional connection between our protags it needs to have incredibly high stakes emotionally and at the same time not need a detour by romantic scenes/fanservice that would derail the plot or the other charas importance. That it happens to be pretty queer anyways in a platonic way?

Nice for the aroace-spec folks watching the show xD

Btw, I'm pretty sure in season 3 we're going to get more of Lu Guang's PoV, the origins of their powers and the past between him and Xiaoshi. It'll probably dig more into the aspect of "testing their bond and coming stronger bc of it" which is were the romantic subtext usually comes through...

—unless you're very very good at writing like Arakawa in FMA, who nailed the brotherly relationship without tipping into incest subtext which I've seen more than a few writers fumble. or the latest D&D film for the platonic childrearing and partnership for a no familial example between a man and a woman also very very difficult to get right for writers dunno why—

... but until then, for now I'm incredibly satisfied by the canon.

The other read of course it that they're already a couple since well before the start of season 1, and to mentally edit what we saw in canon with that lens (it wouldn't be very difficult honestly) but reading only the text? Queerplatonic partners!

There also how Xiaoshi and Lu Guang don't have that anxiety/insecurity of their bond that makes it so easy to read the want for something, like a romance for shipping purposes. Despite the disagreements on the Dives or the trials of season 2 or Lu Guang keeping secret Cheng Xiaoshi future/past death they read very steady which is fun. I love some good established relationship, you can go to deeper places when the base is already secure and the risk is higher for the characters. Plus I love domesticity! Yes, I do my angsty/Gothic leanings notwithstanding. Don't you know you need a home for the Gothic to be effective?

[vampirepunks]

Higgs Monaghan, "Beach Babies," and mind control

We know that the Bridge Baby dolls that Higgs and the Homo Demens used function completely differently than the human BBs invented by Bridges. But did you know they're also otherworldly vessels of extinction itself?

The novelization of Death Stranding suggests that these BB dolls from the Beach ("Beach Babies," as my husband and I refer to them) warp the minds of their users and bend human will towards the goal of extinction.

So... how many of Higgs Monaghan's decisions after meeting Amelie are his own?

The first thing to note is that Bridges BBs react negatively to the presence of these Beach Babies, as seen here when Sam encounters terrorists using them.

Lou does not like these things. Perhaps that's why she points the Odradek at Higgs during their first encounter with him?

The novel introduces us to a porter who visited the Evo-Devo Biologist (referred to as EV in the book) while equipped with one, a couple years before Sam's expedition. He was polite and overall pretty normal at first, but then on his next visit things get... weird.

So... there are holes in reality that using a Beach Baby allows you to see, and that's how the tar leaks from the Beach into the world of the living. Speculatively, this might be how Higgs is able to DOOMS-jump so easily and frequently (and summon tar), without getting exhausted or needing much focus at all, in addition to his level 7+ DOOMS.

Oh, but it gets weirder. And scarier, as soon as Extinction Entities are mentioned.

Wow... he sounds a lot like Higgs, doesn't he? Come to find out, Higgs gave it to him.

But surely this is just him echoing the party lines of Higgs' organization and repeating Higgs' same sentiments... right? Unless...

Important to note, this porter doesn't have DOOMS. He shouldn't be experiencing extinction nightmares, but his Beach Baby is showing them to him.

Whether directly or not, this thing talks to him. Like some eldritch call of the void or an element of a Lovecraft novel, it tells him that extinction is the only answer, the only solution.

EV is, understandably, instantly alarmed when she sees Sam with Lou, relating this story back to him. Sam is quick to connect the dots between that porter, the terrorists, Lou's terror at encountering these other BBs, and Higgs himself.

As they discuss further, a chiralgram recording from that porter begins to play, in which he takes credit for the voidout that killed Heartman's family and explains why he did it.

So then, how is Higgs affected by his own Beach Baby? From his perspective, it doesn't sound good.

We can infer a few things from this:

The Beach Baby acts as the vessel for Higgs' connection to Amelie and her Beach. By the nature of his powers, that's why he's able to DOOMS-jump constantly without getting exhausted, control BTs and timefall, and use telekinesis. Think of it like supercharging a battery; his powers are fueled by connection to the dead, and through Amelie, he's plugged into the dead of five mass extinctions, skyrocketing his DOOMS abilities to their maximum potential.

The Beach Baby (perhaps even Amelie directly, by using it) shows Higgs extinction nightmares beyond the scope of normal DOOMS nightmares, "speaking" to him and giving him forbidden knowledge that fills his mind with thoughts of extinction in terms of inevitability, even without Amelie telling him directly.

(Speculative): Higgs betrayed Fragile because of what the Beach Baby did to him, and perhaps doing so was Amelie's own will disguised as his idea. After all, he turned on Fragile immediately after connecting to the BB doll, severing his closest bond practically overnight. Further, Fragile states (at least in the book, I forget if she acknowledges this in the game or not) that it wasn't Higgs who prevented her from DOOMS jumping with the nuke in South Knot City, but "someone else," who she later determined to be Amelie. Amelie ensured that Fragile had no power in that situation, and that there was no way for her to escape without hating Higgs in the end. Personally, my reading is that Amelie wanted to be Higgs' only option and only remaining connection; she set herself up to be all he had left, the only thing he could focus on. It's easier to control someone who's isolated, scared, and alone otherwise, and would remove the risk of him having doubts about accepting extinction because he had nothing--and no one--left to lose.

(Speculative): The Beach Baby acts as a mind control utility. Whatever hopes, dreams, and beliefs a person has, this BB doll can override them and bend its user's will towards the goal of extinction instead, reshaping their ideology to fit the EE's goals. It's impossible to say how much of this control is direct and tangible, but it grants Amelie a high degree of influence over Higgs' inner world, removing any sense of rebellion against her or instinctive resistance to the concept of total human annihilation.

Established later in-text (too much content to cite and embed), Higgs experiences grandiose delusions surrounding his role in the extinction, falsely believing that he's the one in control, viewing himself as "the bridge that brings the extinction" and is destined to safeguard Amelie so mankind can meet its end. Despite the facts, he genuinely thinks it was all his idea, his plan, and he's the mastermind behind the whole thing, personally chosen by cosmic forces to deliver the apocalypse and usher in a new world after humanity is gone.

As soon as Higgs is disconnected from his Beach Baby by Fragile, his delusions completely shatter and he immediately reverts to cold, hard logic, albeit the kind steeped in self-hatred. His ego does an immediate 180 and he realizes, "it was all make believe,” and "a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and righteous fury. Signifying nothing." It hits him all at once: he was nothing but a pawn, a tool, a means to an end, played for a fool. Upon seeing the error of his ways, he can only lament how blind he was. The book decidedly doesn't kill him, instead leaving him on the Beach, "alone, without a person in the world to connect to," thinking, "this is how I'm meant to be," as he remains stranded "with nothing else to do but continue to confess his endless sins."

We'll never know how much of Higgs' mindset and atrocities were truly his own, while acting as Amelie's herald, and how much of it was solely based on Amelie's unseen influence. Just like Lady Macbeth, Higgs is both villain and victim to a greater evil, so to speak.

[moe-broey]

I've only read the first volume of Dungeon Meshi but I'm convinced Laios and Marcille are both autistic but two EXTREMELY different flavors of autism, so much so it enables autistic PVP (one sided, Laios is unaware, possibly due to the autism)

[lunarharp]

into the deep end - 30k T orufrey fic, focusing on memory trauma, disability, and romance.

the sweet oblivion of the victim, the poisoned freedom of the other.

for one moment - it had felt like two parts returned - the needed reunion of two disparate halves. no more secrets, no more pain.

the moment you get to give back what you never wanted to take. that moment, under the night-blooming flowers, when they had both let out the same single broken sigh of relief.

but they were never whole to begin with, were they?

qifrey swore he wouldn't say 'sorry' to this man any more if he could help it - sorry is cheap now. he didn't want to be in a position ever again where you only have 'sorry' left. so he just looks down into the threads of his blanket, strains his eye until it hurts, feeling his insides - his throat, heart and head - burn with pain. he expects more, but olly says nothing.

olly says nothing.

[lesbicosmos]

rewatching s1 of broadchurch even tho im halfway through my first watch of s3 because i have an obsession with rewatching things and DAMN there are way more hints at who ended up being the killer than i originally thought, and a bunch of moments that are really ironic in hindsight

spoilers under the cut (yes it came out like 10 years ago but im still putting a spoiler warning)

ep1 - joe and ellie talk in the kitchen after hardy makes the statement to the media

joe: do you know what happened? i mean should we be worried for other kids?

on first watch, his tone of voice and body language here just seem like confused and worried parent, but on second, there's definitely a hint of panic in his voice

ep2 - joe, tom and fred in the cafe

joe: this is a terrible, unspeakable thing thats happened. but nothing like it will ever happen again here

tom: you cant know that though can you? you cant be sure

then after this joe's facial expression looks SO guilty like he can't think how to respond

ep3 - hardy questioning tom with joe in the room

hardy: can you think of anyone who would want to hurt danny?

THEN THE CAMERA IMMEDIATELY CUTS TO JOE. ik near the end joe swears he never wanted to hurt him but this is still a rly clever piece of editing, i love when shows do this. also the fact that in every scene where he's questioning tom, joe's in the room and occasionally talks but he's never in the frame of the camera hardys using to record it. he was literally right under their noses the entire time and they never suspected because they were focused on other people too much

ep4 hardy goes to the millers" for dinner

this scene hits so much different on second viewing holy shit. at one point they're talking about marriage and work and how hardy's divorce was partially work-related and:

hardy: this job, it does it to you

ellie: well, not to us

ellie actually makes me sob she loves her life so much then it all just comes crashing down on her

joe: do you think you're gonna solve this case?

hardy: certain.

joe: good :)

joe's reply itself here makes sense but there's a few seconds before he says it where his face is just blank and mildly panicked. he's genuinely worrying about being caught at this point.

now this one isn't a direct hint or anything but just if you think about the dialogue in a different context...yeah it fits

hardy: you bloody liar

joe: ive said nothing

hardy: and yet-

joe said nothing to the police or ellie and yet was lying the WHOLE time.

ep5 - brian asks ellie out

ellie: sorry, im married

brian: and thats an issue is it?

ellie: happily married, brian

brian: oh. okay, fair enough. only lots of people aren't though, are they?

ellie: i am.

THE IRONY OH ELLIE LET ME GIVE YOU A HUG PLEASE

ep6 - jack's wake

ellie spends the whole scene looking around to see if anyone looks worried, at one point she looks into a room (seemingly at nige but joe is stood nearby having a different conversation) and she makes eye contact with joe RIGHT as the camera cuts away

ep 6 - joe takes tom to the skate park and ellie arrives

ellie: i was just looking round that bar at the wake thinking "its someone here, why cant i see it?" the longer this goes on, im starting to suspect everyone

joe: when you say everyone...

ellie: well, nearly everyone

this is probably the most obvious hint that i can't believe i didn't catch on to. of COURSE they're gonna make a point for the killer to be the ONE person ellie LITERALLY SAYS she isn't suspicious of.

ep7 - ellie lets susan leave the police station

ellie (about susan's past with her husband and daughters): in your own house, how could you not know?

just ow. the irony of it all. fucking ow.

[itslikeaspaceship]

She’s not used to this kind of affection really. It’s odd, scary kind of, the way he’s so gentle with her. Maybe it’s because after the hospital she was convinced it was a one-time thing, that he’d only done it because she was to fragile for him to treat her any other way, but the longer they lived in Jackson the more she realized that Joel was just like this.

For such a large man, he was so insanely attentive.

At times it was even intimidating.

She remembers the first time he’d ever wiped food off her face. He had sighed beforehand, staring at her as she rambled on and on to Tommy about whatever dinosaur she was currently fixated on. She could see him out of the corner of her eye, and every second that passed with him staring at her, the more she’d talk. This wasn’t the first time adults had gotten mad at her for being excited, but Ellie wasn’t gonna back down just because he wanted some quiet.

Eventually the sighing stopped and he instead reached out his hand toward her face. That’s when she flinched.

Joel was a tough guy, sure, but she’d never gotten the impression he’d hit her. Apparently she was wrong.

She pulled back, taking a deep breath to prepare for the sting, but nothing happened. Peeking open an eye she saw that his thumb was resting against her chin, and he was simply just frozen in place. Even Tommy had stopped eating.

“You had some soup on your face kiddo.” He said, clearing his throat.

“Oh.” She leaned back into his hand then, allowing him to swipe his thumb along the juice on her face.

The rest of dinner was quieter, and she knew they were watching her, silently talking back and forth with their eyes.

It wasn’t like it was that big of deal, FEDRA agents did it all the time, it’d just been so long that he’d taken her by surprise.

Joel however didn’t see it that way.

When they’d gotten home, he’d ushered her inside, sitting her on the couch and demanding her to stay there. “I’ll be right back, don’t move.”

She listened for about five minutes until curiosity got the better of her and she ended up peeking through the curtains. She watched as he paced back and forth, jaw clenched while he muttered to himself.

She couldn’t understand why he was so angry about this. It wasn’t like she actually thought he was gonna hit her, it was mostly just muscle memory, and besides, it was a normal adult thing to do. Right?

When a kid messes up, that kid gets punished. She was talking to much when he might’ve wanted her to stop, so he was punishing her. Except obviously he wasn’t and maybe he was mad because she was convinced he was.

She bit her lip at the thought. Why wouldn’t her brain just fucking shut up for once?

“Ellie.” The door creaked and she jumped from her spot at the window, throwing herself back down on the couch.

Joel’s footsteps were heavy as he made his way to her, but his face wasn’t as harsh as before. She couldn’t decide if that comforted or scared her.

“Look Joel-”

“No ma’am.” He said, one finger flying out from his clenched fist. “It’s my turn to talk.”

Her breath was caught in her throat at that. Maybe she was wrong, maybe he was angry at her.

He was quiet for a moment, mouth opening and closing until eventually he began to speak. “When we were at dinner tonight, and I went to get that food off your face, why in gods name did you flinch?” Maybe he could see the fear in her then, and so he made sure to clarify. “I’m not mad, I promise, I just wanna know. I need to know.”

Even then she wouldn’t look at him, eyes glued to whatever surface looked the most interesting at the time. “It’s not even that big of a deal Joel. I knew you weren’t gonna hit me.”

From the corner of her eye, she saw his own widen for a split second. “Ellie.”

She groaned, tossing her head back. “Seriously Joel can you just let it go. I get it, I had food on my face and you were wiping it off. Now I wanna go to bed.”

She tried to jump up from the couch, feet carrying her as fast as she begged them to go, but Joel was faster.

“Ellie we are not done here.” He grabbed her wrist, making her jerk around.

“I don’t understand why you’re making such a big deal about this. It’s not your fucking problem.”

“The hell it isn’t. Ellie you thought I was gonna hit you, your insane if you think that’s not something we address.”

And maybe it was the confusion about this whole situation, but something in her snapped. “Why the fuck do you care?! You said it yourself, you’re not my dad, and I’m not your fucking kid so stop acting like this is something it’s not.”

She saw hurt flash in his eyes then and it made her feel physical pain knowing she was the one who caused that, but for some reason her mouth just wouldn’t stop.

“I know your pissed okay, but just let it go. It’s none of your business and-” Suddenly his arms were reaching out, and though she tried to fight it, he was wrapping them around her, pulling her as close to him as possible.

She didn’t react at first, body tense and arms straight at her side, but then Joel did something he’d never done before. He kissed her head.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered against her hair, his lips falling against her temple once more.

For some reason every bit of fight left her body then, and she completely crumbled against his chest, arms looping around him and squeezing him as tight as she could.

“I’m so sorry kid.” She didn’t mean to cry, but a few tears escaped anyway, and she just wiped her face on his shirt, relishing in the utter warmth it brought.

“I’m sorry that I ever made you feel like you were anything less then my kid.” He rubbed her back as he spoke, voice so gentle she swore it wasn’t really him talking. “And I would never ever hit you. No matter what you do, how bad it is, we keep our hands to ourselves. Do you understand?”

“Yes.” She whispered.

After that day, he saw the incident as cause to treat her like actual glass. His hands were so light everytime he touched her, cradling her against him like she was this precious thing. It was so confusing.

It would be different if she didn’t care, it wouldn’t bother her so much, but it hurt worse when she started craving it, and it became almost a problem when her body felt as if it was failing just because he didn’t kiss her head bye.

There was one day where he was leaving for an early patrol, and of course, he was late. And instead of the regular forehead kiss and Joel hug, he just yelled out his goodbye and ran out the door, promising he’d be back before dinner.

She hated that day. Every hour that passed all she could think about was how she wanted Joel. She didn’t eat lunch and barely touched her dinner.

Joel stared at her the whole time, trying to gently encourage to take a few bites, but it was like a switch flipped. Sure Joel was here but she hadn’t felt him, so why would she want to do anything at all?

“Ellie?” He gently toed her with his boot, eyes all soft and easy. “You gotta eat something baby.”

She just shrugged her shoulders, pushing some more food around with her fork. “I’m not hungry.”

“Not even for cheesy potatoes?” He said lightheartedly, putting his fork on her plate. And despite her mood, she couldn’t help but smile.

Cheesy potatoes were in fact her favorite, but the catch was, she never put them on her own plate. Instead, she let Joel get them in bulk and then she’d steal whatever she wanted from the pile, knowing he’d finish the rest. He always teased her about it, telling her to get her own food, but she saw the smile and the little shakes of his head that came with it, indicating he was in fact amused.

But tonight she hadn’t even looked at him or touched his plate for that matter, she opted instead to stare at her own food and dwell on why she felt so weird. It was a feeling she assumed that not even cheesy potatoes could fix.

“No.” She sighed, putting down her fork altogether.

Joel looked absolutely flabbergasted at that. “You’re not eating cheesy potatoes? The world must be ending. You feelin okay?”

She shrugged for probably the millionth time today. “Yup, just not hungry.”

He gave her a hesitant look, stopping his movements as well. “Hey, you sure?”

Fuck, why did he have to be so nice about it? So fucking gentle?

“Mmhm.” She mumbled, running her sleeve across her face to catch those stupid tears she hadn’t even meant to cry.

“Ellie.”

“No it’s good, I’m good.” She gave him what was probably the least assuring smile ever, and picked her fork back up to push some more food across her plate.

Joel didn’t like that, and so he stopped eating altogether. “Why don’t we just go home?”

She knew it wasn’t a question, and yet she still argued. “No it’s fine Joel, just finish your food, you’re hungry.”

“Mm, not really.”

“Jo-”

“I think I’ve had enough cheesy potatoes to fill both of us for a week, let’s go home.” Though this statement was said with love, she heard the demand in it. It was time to go home.

“Okay.” She said quietly, slipping on her jacket and racing out the door.

More tears threatened to spill over as she raced to the house, feeling Joel’s stare as he walked behind her. She didn’t understand why he couldn’t just fucking let things go. They didn’t need to talk about everything, which of course was what he was gonna do, but things would all be so much easier if he would just fight with her. If they would yell and scream, hell, sometimes she’d prefer him to just dig a hole and throw her in it. For some reason she felt it would hurt less then actually telling him what was the matter.

It would also be less embarrassing.

She swears she’s in the clear when she pushes the door open, already forming a plan to get him off her back, but she’s barely even inside for a minute before he’s right behind her, telling her to stop.

“Ellie.” That’s all it takes, one single word and she’s turning around, feet glued to the ground.

“I’m going to bed.” It’s defiant, an opening to an argument, but it’s easier then admitting what she really wants.

“No ma’am you’re not, sit down.” He points to the couch, slipping his coat off and tossing it on the rack.

Every muscle, every bone in her body says to keep walking away, to start a fight. But her mind won’t let her. She must stand there for what feels like forever debating whether or not it’s worth it, but when Joel looks at her, eyes still soft besides the gruff sound to his voice, she caves immediately. With a groan she begins stomping over to the couch, hearing Joel mumble something about dinosaur feet on his way to her.

Any other day she’d laugh, come back with some stupid statement about how he’s older then a dinosaur, but all she can think about now is the way he gently placed his hand on her shoulder when he walked by, how the place where it was is warm and tingly. How she feels like there’s a piece missing from her just because it’s gone.

“You gonna tell me what the hell is goin on or am I gonna have to beat it out of ya?” He says it with a smile, a ploy to get her to laugh. She doesn’t.

“Nothings wrong.”

“That’s not what I said.” He replies, hands clasped in front of him as he leans forward. “Talk to me kiddo.” He just stares then, waits for her to speak, to yell, anything. But she feels stuck, like she’s walking through quicksand, going so far down she can’t breathe, can’t see anything other then her own fear.

“Ellie hey,” He grabs her hand, running his thumb over her knuckles. She cracks a little more, eyes growing misty as she feels his callouses touch her newly soft skin. Why is this so hard?

“Look at me honey.” He crouches down, hands on her knees. There’s warmth everywhere on her body now, reaching from the tips of her toes all the way up to the top of her head, and yet somehow she’s still so fucking frozen in place.

“I can’t” She croaks out, a little sob shaking her upper body.

This obviously scares him, she feels it in the way his jaws ticks a bit, his hands tightening their grip on her own. “Ellie I promise you, whatever it is, no matter how bad it is, you can.”

She fights for a little while longer, Joel’s thumbs keeping her grounded as they brush along the skin of her hands and every now and then her knees.

How does she explain this? Where should she even start? Hey Joel, I feel like a fucking mess whenever you don’t hold me all the time because I’m a little baby with absolutely no self-worth and can’t function unless you kiss my head goodbye.

That wouldn’t do. No matter how much it was true, it wouldn’t do.

The frustrations of not being able to voice it made her chest feel even tighter, her fingers instinctively curling around Joel’s as she fought to breathe.

“I can’t.” She says again, eyes closing shut.

She hears him sigh before he readjusts to sit on his butt, hands never moving from hers. “Try.”

“I-”

“Ellie try.”

She inhales deeply, still struggling to find her own footing. It’s like a war inside her brain. Tell him, don’t tell him, back and forth nonstop. The only thing that seems to quiet it is when he lifts her hands to his lips, kissing her knuckles and massaging her tense hands. “Try.” He whispers again, in what she reads as a plea.

But how?

“You know,” The words come before she can even understand what’s happening, and she starts to stop, but he whispers it again and so she keeps going. “You know in the mornings when you like, when you hug me bye or like,” She sighs, still struggling. “I don’t know, when you kiss my head and stuff.”

She thinks she sees recognition flood his face and for a moment can breathe. “Oh Ellie, if you don’t like that just….” Everything goes quiet and her ears start ringing. Just kidding, he doesn’t get it.

“No.” She says quickly, “no please it’s not that.”Confusion now, and she feels even worse. “It’s, I like it when you do that.”

“Ellie I’m not understandin. I’m sorry.” She inhales again, trying not to cry. It’s not his fault he can’t read her mind and it’s not his fault she doesn’t know how to speak it.

“Promise you won’t make fun of me? No matter how crazy.”

“I promise.” He says it with no hesitation, without even blinking. She thinks that’s a good sign.

She takes a deep breath. “I don’t like it when you don’t do that. Like this morning when you left without a hug and you didn’t do anything like at all I thought I was gonna explode the rest of the day.” She’s quiet for a moment. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me?”

Joel gives her a little smile, cupping her cheek. “Baby there’s nothing wrong with you.”

“Yes there is.” She says frantically, pulling everything away from him. “I’m almost fifteen, I should-I should be able to function by myself. I should be able to go to sleep without you around, I should be able to have a normal fucking day at school without needing your hugs. But I can’t do it.”

He opens his mouth to reply, eyes going even softer as he watches all of her frustrations fall into his hands. “Ellie.”

“No there’s-there’s something wrong with me, I know it. I’m like a baby and I shouldn’t-”

“Hey now,” He says, grunting as he moves next to her on the couch. “Don’t talk like that, you’re not a baby and there’s nothing wrong with you.”

“Yes there is.”

“Ellie listen to me.” He guides her eyes to meet his, rubbing his thumb along her cheek. “You’ve gone your whole life without anybody to hold your hand. Nobody to say it was okay when you were scared, nobody to take care of you when you’re sick. And your goddamn tough for that.”

She smiles a bit at that and he takes it as a window to keep going.

“But you’re still a kid, and kids need affection. It’s normal, hell,” He laughs, “Sarah still cuddled the same damn way you do. So it’s okay.” Ellie sniffles, nodding her head at his words. “And really the only difference between that babygirl and this one is that you have a shit ton of catching up to do. But it’s okay.” He repeats it, needing her to get it through her thick head. “You hearin me?”

He leans their foreheads together, his lips gently kissing her temple and she just closes her eyes, reveling in the feeling of his utter presence “Yeah.” She thinks she does.

“Good, now no more theatrics.” He says jokingly, pulling her to his chest. “Okay?”

“Okay.” She laughs, nuzzling into his side.

It’s still not easy really.

It takes her weeks to finally walk up to him and just wrap her arms around him in a hug, but she does it, and a little bit of the weight loosens when he rubs his hand over head.

He takes the whole thing like champ, tries to make it easier for her to come to him. She doesn’t understand what he does differently or if he even changes anything, but everything else seems to just fall into place on its own until eventually it becomes normal for her to randomly walk up to him and fall against his chest. No matter where they are or who they’re with she learns that it’s okay, cause he’s gonna pull her in close and keep her shielded from everything and everyone, every single time.

And now, instead of feeling likes she’s walking through quicksand, it’s like she’s standing in a field of flowers. Easy, safe, and most importantly, home.

[marimeeko]

This week on BNHA, 'Dad For One' came true....just not the one you were expecting