#in getting help he was able to kick it and become a healthier person in the long run

[lord-radish]

I don't talk about this openly because it's a touchy subject, but I've really gotta get out of the drinking game. I've got issues with alcohol, and I've had these issues for years at this point, but I can't seem to escape it due to both mental problems and general proximity.

Like I have a friend who frequents a bar next door to where I live. I'll be passing through as a shortcut and say hello, and he'll like. repeatedly prompt me to get a beer. Like genuinely badger me until I give in and have a beer with him. Same thing on Sundays, he pushes me to drink repeatedly even if I clearly and repeatedly state that I don't want a beer. My family is full of alcoholics, and being drunk lets me be more social with them, so when I see family I can't escape it.

But I'm also really insecure and have a lot of trouble being around people when I'm sober, and alcohol loosens me up. It helps to be around other people and to get on their level when I get drunk, when my sober self is clearly running at a diminished capacity on that front. I stutter, I don't have timely comebacks and it's hard to maintain conversation. I was bullied for years and have reduced social skills because of that.

But I'm at a point where I have to stop. I drank two bottles of bourbon this weekend. It was a fun time and a good weekend, but it makes me feel so sick for days and I get caught in this loop of binge-drinking that eats up all my time and money. It's having an effect on my physical and mental health too, and I'm just flat-out less productive when I'm drunk and subsequently hungover. I feel sick all the time. I want to get out of this.

I vent a lot about my former best friend - and that's a situation where I acted extremely shittily, but the hatred for that guy is just sort of in me now. There was a point right at the end of our friendship where I had just been sober for three and a half months due to a health issue, and due to an ongoing mental health episode and a growing sense of isolation and detachment from my friends, I gave in and began drinking again.

In that moment I needed alcohol. It was a bad choice but it was a dark, dark time. But in hindsight, one of the most disturbing parts was the morning after. I felt fantastic, I was full of energy, and I gladly left the house after breaking my sobriety and went to hang out with my former best friend. We'd been growing apart because while I was sober, I began to notice how uncomfortable and hypervigilant of myself I was around him, and that led to avoidance and a few tense moments between us - but hungover and rushing on endorphins, I went to hang out with him.

And he told me that I seemed "like myself" again.

I've thought about this, and one reason I began binge-drinking the way I do was to pacify myself and be more pliable to my surroundings, where everyone else is calling the shots and I'm just along for the ride. A lot of that came back to my former best friend - he always took the passenger seat when we went driving with friends, he always had the aux cord, it was always about him. The decision to binge-drink to cope with my negative emotions was a personal decision that I made, and the negativity encompassed more than just our friendship, but I was having a prolonged negative experience with my best friend of the time, and that didn't help.

The disturbing part, in hindsight, is that alcohol abuse made me more agreeable. When I stopped drinking, things got tense between us. When I began drinking again, I was "like myself" again. Granted, I was happier after a mental health crisis and a growing sense of agitation and dissatisfaction. But I was wallpapering over my unhappiness and dissatisfaction with that friend by binge-drinking, and maybe that tenseness was justified considering how hard our friendship imploded just two months later.

Now I have a job and my own place to live. My personal issues are more general than they used to be - I was living in an actively hostile environment, and I was friends with someone who made me feel like I was always walking a tightrope. I have my own space, and I've made new friends - one of which actively drives me to drink when I don't actually want to, but things are just outright better, warts and all.

But it all comes back to alcohol. I'm not drinking as hard as I was during the pandemic - that's what gave me the health problem that I went sober for - but I am drinking a LOT. I drank two bottles of bourbon this weekend. I'm taking the day off work and losing money because I just need one day to myself to sort my shit out. Alcohol is ruining my life. It helps with my social issues, but it is ruining my life in so many other ways. And I'm not going to mention just how deep this all goes, but it's bad.

I don't really know what to do. I can't just announce it publically, because I'm almost certainly going to backslide on it at some point. I think quitting drinking is going to alienate me from some of my current friends, and I genuinely like them. Even the guy who badgers me to drink is a good guy who's treated me very well in the aftermath of losing my previous friends. I like spending time with him. But the writing is very clearly on the wall; I need to stop.

The issue is support. My entire world is built on the back of alcohol. My family and friends are both strong links to alcohol. I was seeing a counsellor for a long time who didn't think I needed to quit, I just needed to learn to moderate - that's been out of the question for years, I know what this is. I had another one before her who made me feel really judged for my issues with alcohol. And I've had very intense codependent internet friendships before that I don't want to even risk slipping back into, so this isn't a cry for help in the sense that I'm looking for a sober buddy on Tumblr to try and help me. I'm not putting any of you through that. I'm not.

Mostly this is just me getting my thoughts in order and expressing myself. It helped to get this all off my chest. I don't know where to go from here, but talking about it was a big first step. Like just as a disclaimer, I'm going to be fine going forward and I feel a lot better having spoken about this, so don't feel too concerned or alarmed - in the immediate sense, removed from the broader issues I discussed in this post, I'm fine. But yeah I just really needed to talk about my issues with alcohol, because my continued alcohol abuse is really bad for me in a lot of ways and it's really hard to take any sort of first step y'know. Hoping I can leverage this post into something more productive for the long term. Sorry for trauma-dumping on main.

[whythewords]

Just plain hitting the ground.

My sleep has been all fucked up. I don't know if it's still jet-lag recovery, I think I'm well past that stage. I think this is just general sleep shittiness. Sleep shttiness of my own making, really. For the past few nights I've been falling asleep watching a show or playing a game or editing a travel journal video from my trip and each time I realize I'm falling asleep, I get angry with myself, slap myself awake and then press on. Literally did it moments ago while watching TV, and now I think my body is probably pretty pissed off at me.

The trip was incredible. Truly everything I hoped it would be and more. All that shit in my last post about being "reborn" though...yeah sure, maybe when I got there. Maybe it was a different version of me exploring the streets of Osaka and shakily testing out my limited Japanese on the locals at an open mic. Maybe a different Joe was out there tossing back whiskey sodas with some local folks and some fellow travellers in Tokyo's entertainment district, and drunkenly walking an hour back to the hotel in the middle of the night with a big, goofy smile on my face. But I did not return a changed man, aside from the fact that I am now a man who went to, fell in love with, and vows to someday return to Japan.

Being back home has been kinda rough. I'm usually the first to get homesick on a long trip, and while I thought I was feeling it a little bit on my last day in Tokyo, all of it dissipated shortly after leaving the airport in Toronto and knowing I was resuming a work very much in progress. With school done, there's no more structure to keep my habits in check. Since returning, I've tried to resume a proper workout schedule, to eat better, to sleep better, to use my time better. I haven't been successful in all of those endeavours. I've found myself resuming that familiar zombie state of scrolling endlessly through social media on my phone, and doing that way too much. The mild thrill of the dating apps has become considerably less thrilling and hell of a lot more mild. "Who's going to want an incomplete person?" I keep telling myself.

The solution to this, of course, is to finish the project I've been working on. This long-standing upgraded version of "Joe 2.0, now with new career and a healthier lifestyle!" is still very much a work in progress. I started applying for jobs again. I think part of me was hoping I could skate by on the promise of the city job after speaking to my manager from my co-op terms and getting a promise that he would reach out soon. He hasn't. And truthfully I don't even think I want that role. Something different may be in fact the kick in the ass I deserve, and the challenge I need.

It hasn't been all bad. I've made some headway. But I'm still hung up on old shit. Old habits, old relationships. I don't know if I can pinpoint one thing that's setting off the chain reaction to cause the absolute worst culprit of this weird, dark funk I've found myself in: the poor use of time. It's despicable. Now I have too much of it and I'm using a lot of it to veg. I was meant to hit the ground running when school was over. "I'll finish up, I'll head to Japan, and I'll hit the ground running as soon as I get back." That's what I kept telling myself. That's what I kept telling other people! I was meant to hit the ground running but ended up just plain hitting the ground. There's probably a lyric in there somewhere.

Anyway, something that I have often resolved to do at times like these (but never actually followed through with) is to fire up Excel and plan out my days. A little schedule to devote x amount of hours to this, y amount of hours to that. Maybe I'll try that. Maybe it'll help. Maybe another therapy session. Maybe there's something more wrong with me. I thought about that one quite a bit today...how extremely, incredibly privileged I am to have been able to go on the trip of a lifetime that I planned almost every single part of...and to come back and have the audacity to be fucking sad. Is that normal?

Well, if anything it's a sign that I'm going to have to try a different approach to this whole self-improvement thing. The end goal is the same as it's always been. Find a job, save some money, move the fuck out of this apartment, find love. Those are some lofty fucking goals. But they're all doable, I think. They're all I really should be focused on.

Time to hit the ground again but actually fucking run this time.

Wish me luck.

[nitewrighter]

Headcanons for Robin/Nightwing and Starfire’s future in the animated series?

>If we're assuming they got together after "Trouble In Tokyo" I imagine they'd be together for about... two to three years. During this time Robin finally has the confidence to put on the mantle of Nightwing and move away from being Robin, but also something's still off.

>Like the thing about 03 Robin/Nightwing, at least in my interpretation, is that he's going to continue to be a hot-headed over-competitive asshole consumed by their hero work until Starfire's like, "Okay but do you actually see yourself having a life outside of this. Do you see yourself as a whole person outside of this." And Robin doesn't actually have an answer for that. So... she dumps him. She loves him, and she knows he loves her, but like... she also knows that the Dick she knows now will just keep throwing himself at a wall until he falls apart if it means getting the mission done, and she knows that's not healthy for either of them. She knows she's not helping him get past that.

>So Starfire goes into space for a time to get some perspective--and it hurts, but like... also Earth is a planet she got really attached to because she essentially crashed onto it after a series of really traumatic events, so she kind of needs to see how big the universe is because she let her world get so small so fast. She loves her friends, but she also needs to see what's out there, you know? So she goes among the stars, nearly gets recruited into the Star Sapphire corps, helps Razer find Aya (because goddammit I need closure there), has long philosophical sessions with The Android, hangs out with the Wonder Twins, kicks some Apokolips butt, hooks up with a Thanagarian hottie, gets fuckin' blasted with Lobo, gets in a bar fight with Lobo, has a long weird bonding session with Lobo, and drunkenly cries to Space Cabbie about how much she misses the Titans (and Dick) while Lobo's like, "You don't NEED them, you are a strong, beautiful, independent Tamaranean!" Helps Lobo patch things up with his own daughter, does her best to patch things up with Blackfire (Things are still really awkward between them but there are fewer coups involved, at least.) Does a whole bunch of humanitarian (tamaranean-tarian?) work on Tamaran, and honestly just kind of gets a great sense of like, "Okay, you know... I actually feel like a whole person now." Like she's seen enough of the universe that like... she doesn't feel like a fish out of water back on earth. But ultimately... she misses earth, and she misses her friends, and that's her home, so she returns. It's been like... 3 years, but she finally feels comfortable saying that's her home.

>Now in that three years, Dick's been going through it, too, but this is not a "Getting Your Groove Back In Space" situation. He's doing a lot of work in Blüdhaven. He has a kind of intense relationship with Barbara Gordon. Like the whole thing there was that Babs was hardcore a childhood crush for him, so it's like, "Yeah! This is what I've actually wanted the whole time! Guess I just have a thing for redheads!" But... nah. It's... not quite like that. Like Babs thinks he's cute but it's also like Dick represents her trying to get emotional fulfillment out of the whole cape life and everything's all tangled up in them trying to prove themselves to Bruce and why the fuck are they still trying to prove themselves to Bruce?! It's that situation where you think it's what you want and you convinced yourself its what you want for so long that you don't want to admit how hollow it feels when you finally have it... Dick's still willing to try for it, but Babs was always the brains between them and she breaks it off.... then she gets paralyzed and that fucks both of them up and Dick is like, "Hey let me be here for you" but she pushes him away. She's done. (Don't worry give her like a year and a half and she'll be kicking ass as Oracle--it'll all work out.)

>So Dick is like, "Fine. I can give up the cape life too. All it's ever done is fuck me up anyway." So he does. But it's not like he can sit around and do nothing. And that's where all of the fucking "Spyral" shit starts. Spyral sucks. He feels like a goddamn idiot with Spyral. But then everything starts funneling back toward Gotham again and uh oh it turns out Gotham has gone to shit--like way more to shit than usual. And that's when Damian pops up in Dick's life like "Bruce disappeared. You have to be Batman now. Also you suck and you'll never be Batman. Now put on the cowl. Fuck you." And Dick is like, "Wow. I cannot stress how much this is the last thing I want." And just to rub his nose in it further Tim Drake is just absolutely vibing as Red Robin so it's like, "Huh I guess all your Robin hangups were a you problem." But... somehow chasing Damian's freaky little sword-wielding-ass around and getting the shit kicked out of him by Jason and then kicking the shit out of Jason helps him work through a bunch of stuff? Like it's ugly. It's an ugly situation from all angles. But it's also Dick confronting literally everything that fucked him up about being Robin, while also trying to steer Damian to a healthier mindset as the new Robin.

>Eventually Bruce returns from the Phantom Zone or whatever, takes up the mantle of Batman again like, "Oh god I'm so sorry I never meant to put that on you and I realize I put a lot of shit on you" and Dick comes out of it finally being able to say, "I'm never going to be Batman. But if I'm going to be a symbol, and I know I want to be a symbol, I'm Nightwing." And Bruce is like, "Hey, that's great. So like... this is totally optional... but the league is putting together a kind of junior team. It's gonna be run a lot more cleanly that the first iteration of the Titans, but we can't be babysitting them the whole time... what do you say." And honestly being a mentor has like... really grown on Dick, so he's like, "yeah totally." And Hal fucking Jordan cuts in like, "Great! You'll be co-leading with Kory!" and Dick's like "What."

>Oh my god working as co-leaders is so fucking awkward. Like basically each sees the other like, "Oh fuck. They've gotten so much hotter and they seem so much more mature and together and I've just been a hot mess for the past three years." But then they start catching up more and more, and they start talking about their adventures, and god, they are such good co-mentors to the new Titans. They become really good friends and that whole guardedness about not wanting to hurt each other actually lets them develop a really deep and respectful non-romantic relationship. But also there's still that "Oh no they're hot" tension going on.

>To their credit it takes about like... a year and a half for them to finally hook up again, and then shit gets gross. They're just making out all the time, having cutesy little inside jokes during briefings, walking around the tower with shit-eating grins, it's unbearable. But also good for them. They are absolutely the team Mom and Dad and their shit is together.

>Eventually they get married and have Mar'i and they keep showing goddamn baby pictures to the league and the Titans when no one asked. The End. :)

[firelxdykatara]

there’s this trend in the atla fandom of ppl complaining about how the fandom mischaracterizes zuko and then.......mischaracterizing zuko.....in the same breath.......and i JUST

-insert that one gif of hades here-

look. i’m sorry. i know you love your weird headcanon that zuko is just an absolute dick, an asshole for no reason and that this should somehow remain a cornerstone of his personality no matter where in his life he’s being depicted, but that’s????? not remotely accurate to his character in the show lmao

he’s not ‘a dick’, he’s a traumatized teenage boy with emotional regulation issues and unhealthy coping mechanisms. these are not cornerstones of his foundation as a person, they are the result of--you guessed it!--the trauma he suffered as a thirteen-year-old boy. and while i’m not gonna pretend that he will ever be 100% perfectly well-adjusted (he’s probably always gonna have issues with his temper, ingrained trauma responses that will become far less commonplace but still crop up, particularly if anything happens to trigger a regression), but to pretend that people who focus more on ‘awkward turtleduck Zuko’ post canon are treating him like some ‘uwu soft boi who never did anything wrong’ is weirdly reductive.

and it’s so strange to me, because we see who zuko is before the trauma that quite literally changed the entire direction of his life. he was a kind, compassionate boy, who felt badly when he realized he’d hurt that baby turtleduck and that was why the mama had attacked him, and who stood up and spoke out in a war meeting because the general was planning to just throw away the lives of an entire squad and he couldn’t understand why anyone would treat their own people that way!

he wasn’t an asshole or a dick, and his rude and abrasive responses to stimuli came as a direct result of his trauma and the following three years of desperately searching for something he, on some level, had to eventually recognize he would never be able to find.

(iroh knew from the start that ozai had sent zuko on a meaningless mission that he would never actually be able to complete. i don’t think zuko ever fully realized this, but i do think he was beginning to subconsciously, and it’s why he was getting increasingly agitated and frustrated prior to discovering that the avatar was still alive. then, everything kicked into overdrive and he was desperate to actually capture the avatar and prove himself, so he never had to fully grapple with the realization that his father wanted him to fail.)

zuko with the gaang in the back half of book 3 is already much better at managing his emotions than at any point in the series prior (except possibly that one shining moment in ba sing se, moments before Disaster), and with his friends and uncle around him as a support network after the war, he would only continue to grow and become healthier and happier. (this is part of why i reject the comics out of hand, incidentally. bc i don’t for a moment believe that everyone would literally abandon him to the point where he had no one to turn to for help but his abuser.)

allowing zuko to be happy and healthy isn’t ignoring who he is at his core, it’s giving him the time he needed to heal and expanding on that. zuko was never just ‘a dick’, he was a traumatized teenage boy who needed to learn healthy coping mechanisms and emotional responses to things, but that was never a permanent state of being for him. zuko, pre-banishment, is a much more likely template for how a happy and healthy zuko would act, imo, and i don’t understand why so many ppl insist otherwise.

[theravennest]

Let’s Talk About Shang Chi...

I just got back from seeing Shang Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings. I had a great time with it. Just a lovely experience.

The fights were dope. The music was rocking. The actors’ performances really sold me on everything. I loved all the Xianxia elements. Y’all know fantasy worlds are my JAM!

But it was the characters that really drew me in. Every one of them were pitch perfect for me. The final act got a little jumbled, imo, but the characters and their dynamics were so good that it was enough for me to completely forgive and overlook the somewhat messy final battle. 

The story had a lot of heart. It was so personal and so anchored in real emotions. I highkey fell in love with all the main characters. I love their journeys and their complex  and grounded relationships with each other. I really liked the movie’s examination of grief, loss, and pain and the lengths people will go to in the wake of being overwhelmed by those feelings.

Let’s dig into it! This is gonna be a whole discombobulated mess, I just know it. lmao

***Spoilers below the cut!***

I really felt for Shang Chi, Xialing, and Wenwu struggling to figure out how to be a family again after they were all broken in different ways by the loss of Mama Ying Li. And each one of them trying in their own way to heal from it, some to extremely destructive degrees. 

How Wenwu treated his kids after being consumed by grief and violence was so utterly messed up but in two completely different ways. 

He treated Xialing like she was anathema, like she was literally nothing. Even when they were older and she had grown into an adult, he barely spoke to her in the entirety of the movie, could hardly even look at her. Partially because she looked like her mom and he retreated utterly from the pain of that, and partially because he constantly underestimated her in favor of her brother. This, of course, seeded the resentful tension between Xialing and Shang Chi from the start.

I’m a real sucker for sibling dynamics, as you all know. They’re my favorite types of family-oriented stories. (Side note, I really love the way the MCU has dedicated several stories to sibling relationships. It’s like my favorite thing in the MCU as a whole.)

I completely ate up the harsh and tricky relationship between Xialing and Shang Chi. Shang Chi completely let her down when they were kids, for her POV. (Not really his fault, he was a scared and traumatized 15 year old. Totally understandable.) But there is something to be said about the fact that she was also a child. A child dealing with her mom’s death too AND her dad’s aloofness. Then she was utterly abandoned by her brother. It’s no wonder she never quite forgives him, even though they mostly team up in the movie. They still have a lot to work out between them.

I really loved that she took on leadership of the Ten Rings at the end. The moment Shang Chi said she was “dismantling” their dad’s empire, I knew what was up. Though, the softy in me does hope that eventually they can find true reconciliation between them. I’m excited to see what we’ll see from her in future movies as a potential enemy of Shang Chi. It’ll be really interesting to see how Shang Chi tackles having to go up against his little sister.

And Shang Chi!!! OMG! Let’s talk Shang Chi and Wenwu now. When Wenwu drop kicked him into the ground and started the blame game for Mama Ying Li’s death like bro!!! I was so heated. He was 7 years old. A whole baby! She died because your thousand years of violence and conquering shit finally came home to roost. 

But that one line when Wenwu said Shang Chi’s 7 year old self “just stood there and watched” while his mom was killed actually revealed so much about Wenwu’s character. (The cutting way Tony Leung, a literal legend, delivered that was masterful, btw.) 

I actually think that it was the first time Wenwu has ever verbalized that he blamed Shang Chi for Ying Li’s death. Like maybe he’s always felt that way and all this time he was partially punishing Shang Chi for what he thinks of as a failure to protect or help the woman who meant so much to them.

Like, yes, he was training Shang Chi to take his place with him in the Ten Rings as an assassin but maybe he also wanted Shang Chi to kill his mom’s murderer as penance for letting her die in the first place.

Of course, it’s clear to see that Wenwu was absolutely shifting his own feelings of conflicting guilt onto his kids. Guilt that his past as a warlord is what got her killed. But also guilt that he put down the Ten Rings in the first place when if he had stayed a warlord, this never would have happened. But also the bone deep knowledge that if he hadn’t put down the Rings, Ying Li might never have stayed with him and loved him in the first place.

When Shang Chi threw it back at him that Ying Li probably wouldn’t love the person Wenwu had returned to, Wenwu looked so shook up. Phew! Perfect emoting from Tony Leung in that moment.

Honestly, Wenwu was having a very tragic and confusing time of it in this movie. Which is probably how that creature from beyond was able to find a crack in his psychic defenses and lure him to the gate. I had a lot of empathy for him even though I disagree so much with what he did to his kids, emotionally.

I really respect the fact that the movie never lost that sense of compassion for all of their feelings including Wenwu. I also respect that the movie really gave them space to grieve not just the loss of Ying Li but also the resulting dissolution of their happy family.

It’s just too bad that Wenwu’s grief made him push his kids away instead of pulling them closer. He completely emotionally abandoned them. A thousand years of power and supremacy yet he was broken because he never in that time fully learned how to process his emotions in a healthier way and his kids paid the price. They could’ve leaned on each other and on the love they found with Ying Li to help them get through but alas that’s the tragedy of the movie. 

I really wanted somehow for Shang Chi to make it through to his dad before he went too far to come back again. I genuinely did not want to see Wenwu die at the end. I wanted him to live and see Shang Chi’s changing dynamic with his father continue. I wanted to see him finally acknowledge his daughter as his true heir and see her accomplishments (dark though they will likely become considering the “softer” version of her is the one that ran an illegal fight club in Macao lmao).

Though I am happy Shang Chi got through to him enough at the end for Wenwu to save Shang Chi’s life, willingly pass the rings onto his son, and somewhat accept his own death after a thousand years of life. That was such a poignant moment between them. And I wonder if in that instant, Wenwu had the thought that in dying he’d at least see Ying Li again.

(Side note: I really hope his soul and the souls of everyone that got eaten were freed when Shang Chi killed the monster. I really want them to be able to move on to the next phase of existence. I really hope they weren’t destroyed after being eaten. I want Wenwu to reunite with Ying Li even in the afterlife, gotdamnit! Sue me, I’m a romantic.)

Let’s talk Simu Liu’s performance here for one second. He was incredible throughout. I completely bought into this strange but so real feeling that while he has a lot of anger towards his father, so much hurt, he also felt a lot of heartache and love for who Shang Chi wanted him to be. And the strange desire to want to help a man who emotionally scarred him so badly.

Simu really brought both sides of Shang Chi’s journey to life. Like, he was tying to find his own path, reconcile with the mistakes he’s made in the past (his sister, killing his mom’s murderer), and facing up against his father’s ideals and expectations. But there was also a side of Shang Chi’s journey that was about finally understand both his sister and his father’s point of views, and of learning/embracing his mother’s history. 

That moment by the lake when he revealed to Katy that he had actually killed the man who killed his mother. Whew boy! The emotions were so poignant. Simu Liu played it like *chef’s kiss* beautiful.

Speaking of character choices, I really rate this decision to have him actually go through with the assassination. It puts Shang Chi in an interesting position emotionally and somewhat morally. Instead of having his breaking point be him unable to kill as his father wishes, it’s instead the feeling of guilt and shame that he actually did kill the man.

I wonder if he felt a sense of satisfaction before the disgust and shame settled in. Because Shang Chi literally watched his mom die, he probably initially wanted to help his father hunt down the man because of that bit of dark need for vengeance. Until he got it, and felt ashamed to fully face his mother’s memory afterwards.

I’m interested to see how future Shang Chi movies and Simu will dig into and unpack that little bit of darkness these events instilled in the character.

Let’s talk Ying Li for a second here. This woman was incredible. An incredible martial artist, for sure, a mystical guardian and warrior...but she was also just an incredible person in general. Mama Ying Li was so self-assured, so steadfast in her convictions. She struck me as someone who knows exactly what she wants and is never afraid to reach for it.

Fala Chen portrayed her with such grace, warmth, and strength of character. It was extremely easy to see why Wenwu fell in love with her. She met Wenwu, a literal thousand year old warlord, and through shear strength of character led him to put down his weapons and his empire to make a home with her.

This man threw away his entire shadow army of assassins, threw away his whole plan to literally demolish her village in the pursuit of power...in order to play Dance Dance Revolution with her and their kids. (The highlight of their romance and the family flashbacks, for me, tbh.) 

And I know it’s not necessarily...positive BUT there is something...hmmmm, crunchy in the fact that Ying Li so completely altered Wenwu’s life by simply loving him that when she died he was willing to raze the whole world to get her back, damn the consequences.

Trying to properly explore toxic and negative turns in previously loving family dynamics is such a difficult task to take on. I really liked the complexity of the Xu family. All the actors really sold the family side of things. It was an almost tangible thing how much you could see how the love they felt had turned bitter and painful over the years.

The final battle was epic and mind blowing (There was a fucking DRAGON flying around for gods’ sake!) but I do wish it had stayed a little more grounded for longer in the beginning of it when the Ten Rings were fighting the Ta Lo warriors. I wanted to see more of that fight before they had the turn to becoming temporary allies against the soul suckers. It became a little too much of a CGI mash, for me, in some parts of it.

Still, the emotional beats held and the core of the story of this grieving family trying to hold on to the tatters of their world stayed consistent even through the final battle. I can forgive a lot because of the strong sense of character and connection there.

Plus, it’s a comic book movie. Spectacle is the name of the game and at least this one had cool fantasy beasts and dope fight choreo. 

Anyway, I’ve rambled enough. Let’s wrap it up here. Suffice it to say, I had a wonderful time with this movie. I’m ready for the next one!

[sobdasha]

been thinking about the really weird dynamics of the Honda family

and the ways they parallel with the Souma family.

Tohru's relationship with Grandpa Honda has always been really inscrutable to me. It seems like Kyouko liked him quite a lot, and the feeling was mutual, so their relationship ought to be close, right? But despite relying on Grandpa around the time of Katsuya's funeral, I get the impression that Kyouko and Grandpa aren't very close after that? He takes Tohru in after Kyouko's funeral, but doesn't provide a place for her to stay during the renovations, and they don't seem to keep in touch.

I figured this was for the convenience of the plot. If Tohru was close with her grandpa, then she wouldn't have no family, no one left, after her mom died. If Tohru had somewhere else to go, it wouldn't be so vital that she be allowed to keep living in the Souma house.

I've been thinking about Shiki, though, and about Akito and Shigure as parents within the Souma estate, and I'm wondering now if this wasn't actually a parallel playing out in brilliant Takaya fashion.

Starting with a recap, because a summary of info is always useful to me:

Kyouko grows up in a family that is very much about Keeping Up Appearances and Knowing Your Place. Her dad is verbally and emotionally abusive and isn't above slapping people either. Her mother isn't affectionate and doesn't protect her, probably because she's primarily concerned with protecting herself from the fallout when anything sets off her abusive husband. Kyouko has never had her emotional needs met and she's never been socialized to see others as real people with real feelings. Before even 7th grade she's become part of the gang scene in a cry for help and attention, and because these are the only people she can kind of understand. Her father has told her she's kicked out of the house at least once prior before he finally makes good on it and disinherits her at the end of 9th grade.

Katsuya and his younger sister grow up in a family that is also very much about Traditional Values and Keeping Up Appearances. Grandpa Honda is a teacher, and he puts a big emphasis on Proper Manners (and probably also other things like Good Grades, Fitting In, and Knowing Your Place). He's stern and pressures Katsuya to become a teacher as well. We don't know what Katsuya's mother was like, but I'm assuming she was also not particularly affectionate. It's only after her illness and passing, probably when Katsuya is somewhere around 20, that Grandpa Honda reevaluates his life and what's most important to him.

From a young age, Katsuya flew under the radar by heavily masking--ie, he made a cardboard cutout of what society expected him to be, so Polite, Quiet, Respectable, Studying To Become A Teacher, while underneath it all being filled with apathy, resentment, and loneliness. His moral compass is deeply skewed--see his teasing of people, his attitude of looking down on people, his bragging admittance to using his father's influence to get away with things, his creepy expressions that are identical to those of The Root Of All Evil (ie, Shigure). He has no real interpersonal relationships--family, friend, or romantic. He's a 23 year old TA who is fixated on and marries a 15 year old girl because she's the first person he ever recognized as human--he saw her in the middle of a violent meltdown and it was the first time he was ever really struck by the realization that someone else might feel the same feelings he does.

(Which, in addition to the dubious legality and widely-regarded ickiness, is just downright pathetic. I'm sorry, but it's true. Fruits Basket itself backs me up.)

The first parallel that jumps out at me is between the stories of Kyouko and Katsuya, and Ren and Akira:

Ren is an Outsider. We don't know what her family life was before joining the Souma clan, but based on everything about her I feel it's safe to assume it was also abusive. A large percentage of the Souma family is against the marriage, but Akira is adamant because Ren is the first person he's ever connected with. Similarly, the Honda family (save Grandpa) disapproves of Kyouko and she remains forever an outsider to them.

In Kyouko's case, Katsuya is able to ditch his family and start fresh with Kyouko. Ren, on the other hand, has to live within the toxic Souma family to be with Akira. Both husbands die, leaving a grieving widow and child behind. Kyouko treasures her daughter and finds a new reason to live in Tohru, away from the rest of the Honda family; Ren, already jealous of Akito for getting in the way of her relationship with her husband (and not dealing well with being pulled even further into the Souma family bullshit with all this curse stuff), and trapped within the toxic Souma family with no one on her side, chooses to perpetuate the cycle of abuse.

The thing I've been thinking about most is the parallels between Tohru and the Honda family and Shiki and the Souma family:

As I said before, Tohru's relationship with Grandpa Honda is very strange. It's not just me--Yuki and Kyou make comments to this effect also, I'm pretty sure. But I think I can finally make sense of it now, if I think of it in light of Shiki.

I think there are a couple chapters of FBA out there that I haven't read (the one with Akito, and were there other chapters beyond volume 3?), but Mutsuki implies--and I think we should take this at face value--that Akito and Shigure hope that Shiki will leave the Souma family. They are not kicking their child out. They want this as loving parents, who have done their best to raise their child in a good home in the midst of a very toxic environment. I like to think they will do a good job of explaining this to Shiki, explicitly and clearly. Akito could have walked away from the Souma family, but she chose to stay because she had a hand in perpetuating the toxicity and generational abuse in the Souma family and she is taking responsibility for trying to end the cycle. She has finally stepped up as the head of the family. She could have walked away, but she didn't.

Shiki had no hand in making the Souma family what it is. Shiki is not obligated in any way to put up with that bullshit. Shiki can and should walk away from that toxic environment, go somewhere new, and be happy. He and his parents and all his non-toxic relatives can visit and call each other and still maintain relationships, but in healthier places, as everyone learned to do at the end of Fruits Basket.

This, I believe, is what Grandpa is also doing for Tohru. He's just less explicit and messes it up at first.

I don't know exactly why we don't see more of Grandpa's relationship with Kyouko and Tohru after Katsuya's death. Is it because Tohru, as the narrator, is prioritizing Only Me And My Mom stories? Is it because Kyouko didn't want to be a burden (is that part of where Tohru absorbed it)? Is it because Kyouko couldn't maintain a good relationship with Grandpa with the Honda Family Toxicity in the background?

The Honda family toxicity shows up in full force again when Kyouko dies. Tohru is a riceball that doesn't belong in the Honda family fruits basket. No one, save Grandpa, will take her in.

And then he invites his daughter's family, which he knows is toxic and will abuse Tohru, in to live with the two of them.

I don't know who came up with the idea--if it's Grandpa, that's a bit cold, as he should be caring for Tohru. If it's his daughter ("Dad, you're getting older, you should be living with us so we can take care of you") that does make sense, both as a reasonable social expectation (which dad raised her to adhere to) and as a power move (the Outsider shouldn't be getting so cozy with dad, and dad's inheritance, without supervision). I'm leaning towards the daughter, as I don't think the family combining was intended to get Tohru to leave. I think the remodel, though, was something Grandpa Honda saw as a good opportunity to convince Tohru to leave the Hondas.

I think "I'm having the house remodeled and I'm staying with my daughter, but you weren't invited, I could pull my weight or maybe you could find your own accommodations with a friend?" was intended to give Tohru permission to not feel obligated to the Honda family. I think it was intended to let Tohru find someplace she would actually be happy, a found family living situation where she could flourish. I think Granpda sincerely thought Tohru would move in with Hanajima, instead of into a tent, and realize that she was so much happier and fulfilled there that she never came back to the toxic Honda family and had no regrets.

Grandpa's judgment was a little iffy there but he tried.

I'm realizing that, if everyone moved into Grandpa's house because it was bigger, and it's being remodeled specifically for that purpose...the fact that Tohru is sharing a room with her cousin is very significant. Grandpa was so confident, there is no place for Tohru in that house. Tohru was never supposed to come back after the remodel.

(I don't know that much about houses so it's possible that they just didn't have room; depending on whether that's the uncle or the son, you've got to have 4 or 5 separate bedrooms, which I guess could be a lot. But this is a manga, they aren't strictly constrained to realism, and Takaya makes every damn detail count.)

Tohru isn't supposed to come back after the remodel, but she does. She does, and the family is toxic to her, and Grandpa tells her more overtly that she is not obligated to live here out of familial loyalty. If there's somewhere else Tohru is happier, even if it's a really unconventional living situation, she should feel welcome to choose that instead.

Grandpa's a parallel to Akito here. He's been becoming aware, since his wife died, that his priorities were all wrong. That he raised his children wrong. That Katsuya appeared to have no real emotions and had never connected with anyone outside of Kyouko and their daughter. (Maybe he learned to make work friends?? But I doubt it.) That his daughter is judgmental and cares more about the appearance of being proper than about not being rude.

Don't think poorly of him, Grandpa says. Deep down, they're just evil people. But Grandpa recognizes that he had a hand in creating those evil people. And instead of being like Machi's mom, who goes "well maybe I fucked up" and then throws her out of the family, Grandpa takes responsibility for the family he made. He recognizes that he raised his kids in a way that caused them to be shallow and rude and to think of people as means to an end, and he also recognizes that it would be shitty to reject his kids for turning out exactly as he raised them. He has to live with them (and his choices), he says, but Tohru doesn't.

Looking at it like that, I respect Grandpa Honda more. He seemed a bit wishy-washy before--useful for some plot and character development points, but wishy-washy all the same. But it's a tough decision, and having to prioritize people is always shitty. Grandpa not rejecting his daughter means sacrificing a stable home for Tohru. Akito staying as the head of the Souma family so she can ensure the freedom of the former Zodiac means that her child will be subjected to the same generational abuse, no matter how loving and supportive of a home life she and Shigure provide.

But they're both trying to do a right thing in a crappy situation.

And Tohru, like so many of the former Zodiac, does find happiness and fulfillment in the new family she's able to make for herself. She learns to make her world bigger, and she learns that leaving doesn't have to be the same as cutting ties. And so I'm very optimistic that Shiki will find the same.

[icollectyoursins]

Leone Abbacchio Relationship HCs

🐉 anon asked for: “Abbacchio relationship hcs?? -🐉”

These are just SFW headcanons, so I went a little overboard to compensate for the lack of NSFW although, I’ll no doubt do some in the future. Tried to make these kind of organized so it’s easier to read. This will all be under the cut And, yes, reader is a stand user and can see Moody Blues.

Wanna know what I’m willing to write? Rules here!

Have a character, but no idea? Prompt list here!

Looking for more? Master post here!

WARNINGS: SFW, brief mentions of nightmares, trauma.

Word Count: 2226

General

Abbacchio is a tough cookie to crack when it comes to romance and forms of affection. He just doesn’t think he’s super into it. Until you gently caress his face while he’s falling asleep or maybe it was the time you curled up next to him while watching a movie. Or the time you casually laced your fingers with his while walking down the street. 

Okay, fine, he’s soft, but he would never admit it! Unless he’s been drinking a little too much. Then he’ll tell you how much you mean to him. Or when you’re feeling like shit and super down on yourself.

His nicknames/pet names for you are usually dear, cara/caro (darling/dear), but mostly he just uses your name. He likes the way it sounds! And, honestly, you like the way he says it too.

After you’ve been together for a while, he starts to notice changes in his personality and habits. He’s calmer, doesn’t lash out as much as he used to; he’s less on edge about everything. As well, he noticed that he was drinking less and when he was drinking, it was healthier. It wasn’t long binges in the middle of the night anymore, it was just one or two with friends or for a celebration. He didn’t really realize how much you helped him and how much you meant to him until then. He knew he loved you, of course, but that was really where it clicked in.

You notice the change too. He starts getting more playful in a weird Abbacchio way. It’s small things like poking your side or behind while you’re focused on something. Occasionally, he’ll wrap his arms around your waist from behind and whisper something sweet in your ear that makes you giggle. 

When Abbacchio isn’t reading, he’s listening to someone reading. He frequently listens to podcasts, audiobooks, etc. while doing his chores or driving. He thinks it’s a good way to educate himself on current topics or things he’s just interested in. With his whole past, I don’t think he would be interested in true crime or anything like that. Too triggering for him and with you, he really doesn’t want to fall back into old habits.

Now, he’s not perfect and he’s obviously a very hurt individual, so I think it would take someone with a lot of patience to help him get over some of his trauma (and yes, it is trauma). He has his rough days where he’s angrier and more on edge and this makes him more likely to yell or lash out. If you can avoid this, great, but talk to him about it later when he’s calmed down. He needs someone who is good with tense situations who can either calm him down or be able to walk away from the situation and come back later. That being said, you are not his therapist, you are not anyone’s therapist (unless that’s your job). You are their partner. A partner can help with some, but usually, you’re not trained enough to properly deal with something like this.

Dates

He enjoys taking long walks with you, especially near the water. The water is extremely relaxing to him and you’re relaxing to him, so it’s the best of both worlds. 

Not overly into picnics, but if you offer, he would be more than happy to indulge you by packing a basket with some nice red wine and a charcuterie board with some sandwiches. Sincerely loves the beach and sitting next to you on a blanket, enjoying the sun on the warmer days just makes him feel so human again.

His favourite dates with you are the ones where you two are on the couch at home together watching a movie. He enjoys the closeness, the relaxed state you’re both in and, of course, the popcorn. Eats it plain to be healthier, but when you’re not looking, he’ll add salt and butter to his. But, then one day one of the boyz introduce him to adding chocolatey things to popcorn (like M&M’s) and that’s it. His loose diet is out the window.

     The microwave beeped in the background while you plopped down, flicking through different disks in your hand. You had picked out a classic, cheesy werewolf horror movie by the time Abbacchio sat down with two bowls in hand. He handed him the movie while sneaking a handful of his popcorn into your mouth.

     “Mmph!” You let out a muffled sound of shock as warm chocolate squished into your hand. You dropped the chocolate into your bowl, looking at the mess you had just made. “What did you put in your bowl?”

     He chucked. “Mn’M’s.”

     “Why?”

     “Narancia told me to.” The DVD was in and starting up just as he was walking back, shaking the couch as he sat down with a grunt. He pulled a tissue out of the box next to him, handing it to you, then he grabbed his bowl, picking out a piece of warm M&M and sucking it into his mouth with a satisfying crunch. He licked his fingers while you cleaned your palm, frustrated with how little it was cleaning up. 

     “Ugh, whatever!” You began licking up the remnants earning you another chuckle from Leone. One of you presses play on the remote and settle into each other. You’re curled up into his arm for most of the movie, head leaning on his collar bone. He occasionally kisses the top of your head or pops a piece of popcorn in your mouth. 

     Soon, the bowls are empty and you’re practically sitting in his lap, holding each other close. He’s so warm, so comfortable. You find yourself starting to nod into sleep. He hums as he feels your breathing slow to a steady rhythm. Yeah, that movie was pretty boring, wasn’t it?

     He chuckles, carefully pulling the blanket from the back of the couch, pulling it around you while he got himself comfortable. There was no way he was getting up from this spot, so he might as well join you.

When Abbacchio is feeling fancy or bougie, he’ll take you out to restaurants or tourist attractions. If anyone tries to swindle you out of something, you can guarantee he’s going to at least insult them in some way or maybe just straight up kick them in the face. Regardless, he’ll protect you.

Affection

When in public, he still likes to keep you close, but tones it down a little bit. Usually, he’s got his hand on your back or you’re holding hands, hovering close to each other. 

He’s very protective and if the gang’s jokes go too far, he’ll let them know. 

In private, he’s obviously more relaxed. He doesn’t need to put on a mask around you, so he just lets it all go. He’ll come up while you’re doing chores and either hug you from behind or spin you around for a kiss before letting you continue whatever it was you were doing with no explanation. 

Very rarely lets you do his makeup, but when he does, he’s a little cheeky about it and kind of anal all at the same time. The easiest way for you to do his make up is sitting in his lap, so already he’s cocky about it, but then you start getting to the eyeliner and he gets picky.

   You perched yourself on Leone’s lap, carefully buffing out a natural-looking eyeshadow with a brush. Occasionally, he would crack open an eye, looking up to see the concentration on your face as you avoided any fall out from the shadow. He squeezed your thighs pleasantly then massaged circles into the soft flesh. You looked into his open eye with a coy smirk before returning to your work.

    You dipped the brush into the pallet again, this time a lighter shade for the inner corner of his eyes. Gently, you pressed the pigment in from the edge of the lid to the corner, then, like before, you buffed it out back into the lid. His hands began to wander, sliding up and down your thighs. You gave him another look, but he wasn’t paying attention this time, eyes closed. You scoffed.

    Finally, you finished, moving onto the eyeliner, picking out a sleek black You started with the outer corner, going for a winged look. Before you were able to press a line in, he grabbed your hand quickly, pushing it back so he could open his eyes.

    “You’re doing it wrong,” he said. You sat back, exasperated.

    “I haven’t even done anything!”

    The two of you got into a small playful argument of “oh, I’ll do it,” “no, I’ll do it.” Until eventually you settled with him doing your makeup in exchange.

    “Thank you, now.” You reached for two shades of lipstick, one purple and one black. “Which one do you want?” He rolled his eyes, grabbing the black as well as a handheld mirror.

    “No, no, no. You get to do your eyeliner, not your lipstick! The lipstick is mine.” You playfully kissed his lips before pulling everything from his hands, earning you a groan from Abbacchio.

Seeing as we’re talking about sitting on his lap! He loves it. Just, any physical touch from you makes him feel so loved, especially when alone at home. He particularly enjoys when you’re pressed up against him while reading a book or watching a movie with his arm around you. Alternatively, he enjoys your legs tossed over his thighs or his over yours.

Around the House

Now, chores. Abbacchio doesn’t like chores. He’ll do them if you ask, but he’s not gonna like it. Least favourite is laundry. He just kind of chucks his clothes on the floor in a pile until you tell him to move it or do it yourself. You can’t tell the difference between his clean clothes and dirty clothes, so you mostly let him deal with it when the pile gets big enough or he runs out of clothes.

Doesn’t hate doing the dishes, so he actually gets stuck with that since you’re doing almost everything else. If you’ve recently had the rest of the Bucci gang over, he’s less inclined to do it. Narancia and Mista both tend to be slobs, so their plates are always nasty, but he does it anyway, just complains a lot later. Nastiness aside, doing the dishes slowly becomes a therapy moment for him. Just his music, a bunch of clean dishes and pure peace.

Much like with dishes, he doesn’t hate vacuuming or dusting and will do it when asked, but doesn’t like it. Honestly, he’s not the best at vacuuming, he always misses corners and forgets to do one place, so you do most of it. 

Look, I’m not saying he’s a slob, he’s not, but he can get a little lazy, especially on his rougher days. That being said, if it’s a special day or he’s feeling a little romantic and has something planned, he’ll do everything. It won’t be perfect, but the sentiment is there. 

Sleeping

He has a very cute snore. It’s not loud or obnoxious, it’s soft and relaxed. Honestly, kind of soothing. That is IF you’re able to hear it. He usually doesn’t sleep until you do, but it’s very precious. 

Prefers being big spoon or ‘the pillow’ where you sleep on some body part of his (his thighs are exceptionally comfy and, of course, his pecs). He usually wraps one arm around you if he can, rubbing his thumb against your shoulder or forearm. 

But, one night, you got in bed late and he was already asleep, so you came up behind him, wrapping your arm around his waist then stroking his stomach softly. He’ll never let you know, but he was awake. That was the day he discovered he loved being a little spoon. He won’t fight if you happen to do it again.

Regardless, Abbacchio is clingy when he sleeps. Not bear hug, but always has an arm around you to make sure you’re there and safe. 

He gets some nightmares, of course. Doesn’t scream, just jolts awake and goes to grab a glass of water, then comes back, so it’s unlikely he’d wake you up from a deep sleep. If you are awake, ask him what he needs. Sometimes he needs you to hold him, other times he needs just some time alone, but remind him you are there for anything. If you’ve already got a glass of water next to his bed, he’s head over heels. So thankful. Might make you breakfast the next morning as a proper thank you.

Stand

What does Moody Blues think? Well, much like its user, it’s very analytical and almost cold when it comes to you, though if Abbacchio is away from you for a little longer than usual, but still in range (like being kept in a meeting too long while you’re in the car waiting) he’ll send his stand to you and help you relax a bit by letting you cuddle “Abbacchio” (the stand copying it’s user), or just let you relax with the stand itself! 

Actually, if he’s busy at home and you’re tired, MB will replay a time where you were cuddling in bed, or on the couch so you can snuggle with someone at least. 

[rinharu-purple]

Hi, nice to meet you!

As a fellow Gavin stan, I found your analysis quite interesting and I'm very happy that someone finally understand the other side of our ginkgo boy... Idk whether you play in CN server or MLQC. I'm just curious, what do you think of Gavin in S2? Because I hear that everything is gonna be different. Also, the latest main story in CN server--do you think the story will be more angst?

Thank youu..

Waiting for more analyzes from you ❤

Dear Anon, 

Thank you very much for your kind words and I’m also happy to meet you ^_^

Please excuse my belated answer. I waited specifically for cheri’s translation of the S2 CH11, so that I could give you a worthy answer <3

I play MLQC, because I don’t understand Chinese (yet), so I am following @cheri-translates on a daily basis for the season 2 material. (Thank you cheri, you’re the best! (ɔˆ ³(ˆ⌣ˆc) )

From what we get so far, Gavin shows some differences in his aura and character in S2 due to two main reasons:

1) He didn’t have the extreme teenage drama from S1 (except for his mother’s passing)

2) He and MC were companions during high school, so their relationship has a healthier fundament.

The events of the second season take place in a “parallel universe”, therefore MC’s relationships vary from those in S1. But also the Loveland City they are in is a different one, with different players but also different villains. So things DO change in S2 in general.

What do I think about Gavin in S2?

I - AM - IN - LOOOOOOOVVVEEEE - WITH - HIM!!! <3 <3 <3

Gavin was the main reason I watched the anime and downloaded the game in the first place. He was a very caring, understanding, talented and *ehm extremely good looking guy. He still is btw. This guy has a very big heart and is the most human among all LIs if you ask me. But sometimes I had the feeling in S1, that he wasn’t reaching to his full potential. His love for MC was at times awkward, mainly because he doubted himself a lot and was underestimating himself in many topics with regards to MC. His past with his father and brother was also weighting on him big time. Thus affecting his actions to a great extent. Gavin’s potential was bound by ball and chains and he didn’t seem to be able to free himself from them. And yet, he was a resilient guy, who made peace with his past, always finding the love&faith in his heart and following his own path. Those unnecessary insecurities caused by his experiences were Gav-babe’s downside in S1.

In the second season, we meet a very self confident Gavin who doesn’t get worked up in front of MC easily, let alone shy away from her. On the contrary, Gavin is teasing MC shamelessly and even toys around with her as he lets her hover over the ocean. Would you ever think that S1 Gavin would dare to do that? :D He interrogates her just for the kicks even though he doesn’t suspect her one bit, or asks her if he should detain her, since she looked like she was asking for it (I really recommend you to read the scene in CH11). Gavin is carefree towards MC and this makes him unbelievably attractive. Sure, I was surprised at first as I saw him immobilizing MC after meeting her for the first time after many years and was afraid, that he would be hostile towards her. Thankfully, this wasn’t the case...so far.

In S1, Gavin and MC were already in a harmonious relationship and were moving forward side by side gradually. But they were also having difficulties in terms of protecting each other from harm’s way and hiding their dangerous missions or wounds from each other. Which didn’t go along with a healthy relationship, even though they came a long way by the end of the S1. Plus, their positions weren’t even equal in respect of being a couple since Gavin was quite the simp and was insecure at times about his interactions with the MC. There was a teenage Gavin in him, who was telling him that he wasn’t good enough for her, that he is useless, that he is worthless. Therefore he always had his gloves on, so the speak.  

These insecurities are downed to a minimum in S2 and Gavin no longer has the self loathing inner thoughts, so it feels as though, he is the real Gavin. The Gavin who he could be, he should be. Up to this point (S2 CH11). I feel like we are watching a Gavin who’s reached, or is reaching, to his full potential. 

In S2, we see him co-operating with MC right from the beginning with little reluctance at first, which is natural since -you know- they are working for the opposing sides. But then we saw in CH11, that they make one hell of a team! In all honesty, Gavin and MC don’t even need to talk to each other to understand what the other thinks. We witnessed many times in S1 when they were thinking/saying/doing the same thing at the same time. But this time, they are aware of the fact that they can see through each other without words. Moreover, they banter with each other by calling one another out. Which is mostly Gavin calling her out btw. This almost flirt-like sweet bantering makes their interaction all the more titillating to me. The chemistry between them is very evident and Papergames makes sure to let us producers know, the attraction is mutual and on equal grounds. Maybe its only my opinion, but I find S2 Gavin way more sexier than the Version 1.0. But its probably because I find self-confidence to be the sexiest trait a person can have. 

On a side note, Gavin also doesn’t display jealousy as in S1 and I believe this also has to do with his self confidence. Jealousy is an emotion which arouses from lack of self-confidence and trust. And the level of trust Gavin and MC share in S2 is off the charts, dare I claim.

One might even say, that the tables have turned in S2. MC has her memories from S1 whereas Gavin has started having flashbacks or dreams about their past just recently. Because of that MC already carries her romantic feelings from S1, she is the one with denser emotions in the new chapters and is rather insecure in front of Gavin. Thus making herself vulnerable for his “toying sessions”. Gavin on the other hand is beginning to explore his heart’s desires towards MC only piece by piece. He cares a great deal about her and is drawn to her inevitably, but can’t quite put his finger on it. His body and soul is already reacting to her, but his mind is a little bit slow on this front. But as stated in R&S “Inevitable”, his heart is destined to get drawn to hers. 

Whether the story is going to get angstier...Let’s not fool ourselves, Papergames has the word angst in block letters carved in marble in their office. So yeah, I am pretty sure that the story is going to get angstier. But I haven’t seen anything as angsty as in S1 CH13, 14, 15, 18. Those chapters were really hard to read, but let’s wait and see.

Another important point about Gavin’s character in S2 is related to his position. He is now the Commander of the STF and therefore carries a heavier responsibility than in S1. We see in every chapter how strategically he is acting and picking the best option in which nobody gets hurt. He is still a maverick and does things in his own way and yet he is now well aware of the fact that each of his actions are affecting great numbers of people. With his subordinates he shares special bonds all the while keeping them disciplined and whatever he does, he prioritizes everybody’s safety equally (only with MC as an exception).  Of course, this was one of his strengths also in S1, but in S2, he can have a bigger impact, since he has more resources to do so. He has become the perfect leader.

Which can be tied to his balanced temper. In S1 there were times, where Gavin wasn’t able to control his Evol and caused mayhem. We haven’t seen any uproar like this in S1 so far. Gavin is in control of his Evol, his emotions and his blushes...hih...well... almost. But he certainly blushes much less in S2. 

So to sum it up, yes, Gavin is different in S2, but in all the good ways and I couldn’t find anything that goes in the wrong direction so far. We have a more mature, confident and experienced Gavin in S2 and I can simply say:

AMEN

I hope my answers can help you with your questions and you can always feel free the contact me if you have any questions...be it anonymously or not.

Have a nice weekend dear anon! d=(´▽｀)=b

[linastudyblrsblog]

Burnout, unfortunately, is everywhere. If you haven’t experienced it personally, you probably know someone who has self-diagnosed.

 Defined by the World Health Organization as a syndrome “conceptualized as resulted from chronic workplace stress,” it causes exhaustion, “feelings of negativism or cynicism,” and reduced efficacy. That’s a big umbrella, and the condition has become something of a catch-all for chronic, modern-day stress. 

Here are 11 of our favorites to help you create your own escape plan:

1. Figure out which kind of burnout you have.

The Association for Psychological Science found that burnout comes in three different types, and each one needs a different solution:

1. Overload: The frenetic employee who works toward success until exhaustion, is most closely related to emotional venting. These individuals might try to cope with their stress by complaining about the organizational hierarchy at work, feeling as though it imposes limits on their goals and ambitions. That coping strategy, unsurprisingly, seems to lead to a stress overload and a tendency to throw in the towel.

2. Lack of Development: Most closely associated with an avoidance coping strategy. These under-challenged workers tend to manage stress by distancing themselves from work, a strategy that leads to depersonalization and cynicism — a harbinger for burning out and packing up shop.

3. Neglect: Seems to stem from a coping strategy based on giving up in the face of stress. Even though these individuals want to achieve a certain goal, they lack the motivation to plow through barriers to get to it

2. Cut down and start saying “no.”

Every “yes” you say adds another thing on your plate and takes more energy away from you, and your creativity:

If you take on too many commitments, start saying ‘no’. If you have too many ideas, execute a few and put the rest in a folder labeled ‘backburner’. If you suffer from information overload, start blocking off downtime or focused worktime in your schedule (here are some tools that may help). Answer email at set times. Switch your phone off, or even leave it behind. The world won’t end. I promise.

3.  Give up on getting motivated.

With real burnout mode, you’re too exhausted to stay positive. So don’t:

When you’re mired in negative emotions about work, resist the urge to try to stamp them out. Instead, get a little distance — step away from your desk, focus on your breath for a few seconds — and then just feel the negativity, without trying to banish it. Then take action alongside the emotion. Usually, the negative feelings will soon dissipate. Even if they don’t, you’ll be a step closer to a meaningful achievement.

4.  Treat the disease, not the symptoms. 

For real recovery and prevention to happen, you need to find the real, deeper issue behind why you’re burnt out:

Instead of overreacting to the blip, step back from it, see it as an incident instead of an indictment, and then examine it like Sherlock Holmes looking for clues.

For example, you could ask yourself: What happened before the slip? Did I encounter a specific trigger event such as a last-minute client request? Was there an unusual circumstance such as sickness? When did I first notice the reversion in my behavior? Is some part of this routine unsustainable and if so, how could I adjust it to make it more realistic?

5.  Make downtime a daily ritual.

To help relieve pressure, schedule daily blocks of downtime to refuel your brain and well-being. It can be anything from meditation to a nap, a walk, or simply turning off the wifi for a while:

When it comes to scheduling, we will need to allocate blocks of time for deep thinking. Maybe you will carve out a 1-2 hour block on your calendar every day for taking a walk or grabbing a cup of coffee and just pondering some of those bigger things. I can even imagine a day when homes and apartments have a special switch that shuts down wi-fi and data access during dinner or at night – just to provide a temporary pause from the constant flow of status updates and other communications…

There is no better mental escape from our tech-charged world than the act of meditation. If only for 15 minutes, the ability to steer your mind away from constant stimulation is downright liberating. There are various kinds of meditation. Some forms require you to think about nothing and completely clear your mind. (This is quite hard, at least for me.) Other forms of meditation are about focusing on one specific thing – often your breath, or a mantra that you repeat in your head (or out loud) for 10-15 minutes…

If you can’t adopt meditation, you might also try clearing your mind the old fashioned way – by sleeping. The legendary energy expert and bestselling author Tony Schwartz takes a 20-minute nap every day. Even if it’s a few hours before he presents to a packed audience, he’ll take a short nap.

6.  Stop being a perfectionist; start satisficing.

Trying to maximize every task and squeeze every drop of productivity out of your creative work is a recipe for exhaustion and procrastination. Set yourself boundaries for acceptable work and stick to them:

Consistently sacrificing your health, your well being, your relationships, and your sanity for the sake of living up to impossible standards will lead to some dangerous behaviors and, ironically, a great deal of procrastination. Instead of saying, “I’ll stay up until this is done,” say, “I’ll work until X time and then I’m stopping. I may end up needing to ask for an extension or complete less than perfect work. But that’s OK. I’m worth it.” Making sleep, exercise, and downtime a regular part of your life plays an essential role in a lasting, productive creative career.

7.  Track your progress every day.

Keeping track allows you to see exactly how much is on your plate, not only day-to-day, but consistently over time:

Disappointing feedback can be painful at first – research shows that failure and losses can hurt twice as much as the pleasure of equivalent gains. But if you discover you’re off course, reliable feedback shows you by how much, and you then have the opportunity to take remedial action and to plot a new training regime or writing schedule. The temporary pain of negative feedback is nothing compared with the crushing experience of project failure. Better to discover that you’re behind and need to start writing an hour earlier each day, than to have your book contract rescinded further down the line because you’ve failed to deliver.

8.  Change location often.

Entrepreneurs or freelancers can be especially prone to burnout. Joel Runyon plays “workstation popcorn,” in which he groups tasks by location and then switches, in order to keep work manageable, provide himself frequent breaks, and spend his time efficiently:

You find yourself spending hours at your computer, dutifully “working” but getting very little done. You finish each day with the dreaded feeling that you’re behind, and that you’re only falling farther and farther behind. You’re buried below an ever-growing to-do list. There’s a feeling of dread that tomorrow is coming, and that it’s bringing with it even more work that you probably won’t be able to get ahead on.

List out everything you need to do today. Try to be as specific as you can…Next, break that list into three sections. Step 1: Go to cafe [or desk, a different table in your office, etc.] #1. Step 2: Start working on item group #1…Once you finish all the tasks in group #1, get up and move. Close your tabs, pack your bags, and physically move your butt to your next spot. If you can, walk or bike to your next stop…When you get to the next cafe [or spot], start on the next action item group, and repeat…

When you’ve completed everything on your to-do list for the day, you are done working. Relax, kick back, and live your life. Don’t take work home with you because that won’t help you get more done – it will just wear you out.

9.  Don’t overload what downtime you do get.

Vacations themselves can cause, or worsen burnout, with high-stress situations, expectations, and sleep interruption. Use it to help in recovery from burnout instead: 

Make a flexible itinerary a priority. [A] study from Radboud University found that effective vacations give you the choice and freedom to choose what you want to do. That means two things: Try to avoid structuring your vacation around an unbreakable schedule, and plan on going somewhere that has multiple options to pick from depending on the weather, your level of energy, or your budget.

10. Write yourself fan mail.

Seth Godin uses self-fan mail as a way to keep motivated instead of burning out on a project that seems far from completion:

I define non-clinical anxiety as, “experiencing failure in advance.” If you’re busy enacting a future that hasn’t happened yet, and amplifying the worst possible outcomes, it’s no wonder it’s difficult to ship that work. With disappointment, I note that our culture doesn’t have an easily found word for the opposite. For experiencing success in advance. For visualizing the best possible outcomes before they happen. Will your book get a great testimonial? Write it out. Will your talk move someone in the audience to change and to let you know about it? What did they say? Will this new product gain shelf space at the local market? Take a picture. Writing yourself fan mail in advance, and picturing the change you’ve announced you’re trying, to make is an effective way to push yourself to build something that actually generates that action.

  11. Break projects into bite-sized pieces.

Taking a task on in one entire lump can be exhausting and provide little room for rest in between. Breaking up your projects into set chunks with their own deadlines provides a much healthier, and easier, way of completing a large project:

The default take on deadlines is typically to consider them to be cumbersome and stressful. Yet, from another perspective, a deadline can be viewed as a huge benefit to any project. Without the urgency of a hard deadline pushing a project to completion, it’s easy for you, your team, or your client to lose focus. We’ve all worked on agonizing projects where the timeline just bleeds on and on, merely because the flexibility is there…

It turns out that the manner in which a task is presented to someone – or the way in which you present it to your brain – has a significant impact on how motivated you will be to take action. A study led by researcher Sean McCrea at the University of Konstanz in Germany recently found that people are much more likely to tackle a concrete task than an abstract task… It seems to me like the difference between being handed a map versus following the step-by-step instructions of a GPS device. Not everyone can read a map, but everyone can follow the directions. By breaking your project down into smaller, well-described tasks, the way forward becomes clear and it’s easy to take action.

[asubsdarkthoughts]

A note I’ll never send:

Day 1:

I just want to apologize for how I reacted. I overreacted, which was completely inappropriate.

Communication is what makes this work. Communication is a two-way street. You communicated you needed space, which I would like to point out that you did not provide a reason to why you needed your space. A family emergency is a completely valid reason to need space. But that was not communicated until this morning when you called me.

Since a reason to why you needed space was not communicated, I began to create reasons in my head as to why you needed your space. My minds a dark place. My anxiety causes my thoughts to spiral. So I spiraled out of control. It is something I am actively working on in therapy to control. I know I have a problem, and I’m working on fixing it so I can have healthy relationships moving forward in my life.

I have attachment issues and abandonment issues. I can attach myself to people very quickly, especially if I trust them. Then I become co-dependent on them to fulfill my needs. My emotional needs. I am fulfilled when I am of service to others, when I help others. I also need constant reassurance that I am needed, that I am wanted, that I am loved. As well as numerous other issues I can list out. That’s one of the reasons why a D/s relationship is appealing to me.

I’m a mess, I need structure. I’m out of control, I need someone to control me. Hold me down. Keep me sane. Calm my racing thoughts. And that’s what your dominance does for me. It calms me. I don’t have to think anymore. I don’t have to make decisions. You make the decisions. You tell me what to do. You take control so I don’t have to. Because let’s face it, I’m not the best at having control.

Because I have a tendency to be codependent I internalize other peoples behaviors and words. So when you stop responding to me, or tell me that you need space, what I begin to think is that you no longer need me. I think that I’m not good enough for you. I think that you’re ending things. I think that you don’t want to be in my life anymore. I think that there was something I did that made you need space. I think that I fucked up. I think that I opened up too much and I scared you away. I think that it’s all my fault.

Hence the lengthy emotionally charged, deeply insecure message I sent. I woke up, hungover from drinking way too much the night before. I went out and tried to find strength at the bottom of the bottle, but instead I found myself on the floor throwing up. I felt abandoned. My anxiety started building. All the questions in my head left unanswered. Why do you need space? What is going on? Why won’t you talk to me? Why can’t I help?

Then my insecurities kicked in and I was like why are you doing this to me? Because codependent people internalize others actions and self-criticize themselves which lowers our self-esteem. But you didn’t do any of that. That was all me, that was all in my head. And that’s what I am working on in therapy to stop doing. Stop internalizing. Stop blaming myself. Stop overthinking. Stop exaggerating. Stop turning small things into big things.

This relationship with you is helping me with all of that. Although you’re in control, I am becoming more independent - emotionally. Or at least I’m trying.

You’re unable to provide the emotional support I need, or rather what I want. I want more emotionally support than I need - because I’m codependent. I’m essentially trying to train myself to be less codependent on others to fulfill my emotional needs. You cannot fulfill them, therefore I am training myself to not need seek it from you. Now, that’s not to say I don’t want you to be there for me when I need you. Because your presence calms me. All you provide me with is all I need from you. Because it fills this other need. The subspace.

I should have respected your space. I shouldn’t have pushed. But my insecurities got the best of me. I kept trying to push them down but they slipped past my lips and through my fingertips where I expressed them in a very inappropriate manner. I am ashamed of the way I reacted when you communicated a need to me and I failed to respect that. I hope you can forgive me.

Typically when people tell me they need space, they leave me. I never understood why. I was always left trying to deal with my insecurities and emotions and I just never learned how to process those feelings in a healthy manner.

I stay with people I shouldn’t be with because I am afraid of being alone. I’ve been hurt and left so many times so I put up walls to protect myself. When I let those walls down, when I let people in, I become very vulnerable. When people I let it begin to drift, pull away, leave, etc. I freak out. Because my reasoning is: I let another person in and they hurt me. Everyone is just going to hurt me. Everyone is going to leave me. I get all these negative thought distortions. My therapist actually called me out on it. I told her everyone leaves me. Well, that’s not a truthful statement at all. Not everyone leaves. There’s a lot of people who are still in my life, people who Qi have been in my life for years. But because I was adopted, my birth parents “left me”. My dad “left” when my parents got divorced, but he never left me. My mom “left” for months at a time every year to go to Portugal. So I internalize that. So I create these thought distortions that everyone’s going to leave me. So when you said you needed space, the way I process information in my brain is “oh, he’s leaving me.” Then the spiral of negative thought distortions begin.

When you said you needed space without providing me with a reason, I’m left to make up my own. When I ask if you’re still my Dom and you don’t reply. I’m left to believe you no longer want to be my Dom. So I spiral, and I don’t stop. I tried to drown the thoughts out with alcohol. That didn’t work. I got so drunk I embarrassed myself. I had to have my best friend come pick me up and drive me home because I was so impaired I couldn’t make it home myself. And that’s MY fault. And I’m working on not resorting to coping that way. Next time I won’t react like that. Next time I won’t go out and get wasted. Next time I’ll stay home and journal, next time I’ll get really high and paint. Next time I’ll call my friends up. Next time I’ll utilize healthier coping strategies and also next time I will work harder to fight off these negative thought distortions.

Day 2:

My therapist gave me an assessment this morning. The results stated there is a high probability that I have borderline personality disorder. Fuck. It all makes sense now. Especially the way I reacted.

Day fuck yoou

I was vulnerable with you. I trusted you. The trust has been broken. You broke it. I don’t know what you will need to do to gain it back. Knowing myself you just need to say sorry and I will get down on my knees. Because you ensnared me in your trap. You reached into my chest and ripped out my soul. I presented it to you, and you tossed it on the ground, like it was garbage.

Change needs to occur for this to work. I don’t think you’ll be able to provide that. You wrapped me up in the mess that encapsulates your life.

Right now I need someone who I can give complete control to. If you cannot handle that responsibility then I can no longer call you my dom.

I will always care about you. You have a special place in my heart and I will probably always do anything you ask me to do for you, because I will always give you control. Because you mesmerize me. You always will.

But I need more. I’m hurting. I’m in so much pain. And I need to heal. I need to do what is best for me. If you can be a positive person in my life, if you can be supportive, than i can keep you. If you cannot provide any substance to my life than I can not keep you here. I need positive people. I am riding myself of all issues, anxiety.

Decide what you want. Communicate it. If you don’t want me then let’s be friends — in a couple months. Hahah, cuz I don’t like yoou right now. I need to hate you to get over you. Hating yoou is easier than heartbreak.

Day 3:

You can’t handle my submission. Or rather, should I ask you? Can you handle the gift of my submission?

You get the weekend you figure it out. After that I will make the decision.

I miss you so much I just want to hate you. Not talking to you is eating up inside

I just want to sit in your lap and have the whole world around me disappear. Because I’m your arms I am safe. In your presence no one will hurt me.

I would like to think that you’ll always care about me. I fantasize running into you at the bar. I’ll have moved on at that point. And you’ll be watching me, as I make my way across the room, and we’ll smile and maybe exchange words. I like to imagine the thoughts racing through your head at that moment. About how much you miss me, how much you want me. I like to imagine that inside you’re slowly dying because you realize you let the best thing ever just walk away. How you fucked it all up. Because honey, I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not my fault.

With love,

K.Sway

[mistakenvilliany]

Episode 6

Ah Episode 6! As I watch these beginning ones again, I am just struck with how lost I was still in my first time through. I didn't know names, I didn't have context, l was just absorbing as much as I could while enjoying watching my babies struggle with themselves and each other. Now, I can see the build up of everything we're headed into, and how this period really becomes the "idyllic youth" for both (or all, really) of them. If everyone was able to at the end to sit down with one another they'd probably start off with "hey, do you remember that time in the Cloud Recesses..."

Anyway on to the more detailed thoughts:

• Nie Huaisang sneaking around after curfew with peanuts is not suspicious at all, nope

• Okay, I have to say it - these are not the cool kids in school, I don't know that there are ANY cool kids at this school, but these are nerds. Blocking the light with robes and a weak ass talisman, and waxing poetic about the flavor! of! the! wine! The cool kids cringed

• I love that Wei Wuxian's first instinct is always to embarrass his little brother, and poor Nie Huaisang asked the question so he deserves to be shoved around between them.

• My baby barges in, unannounced and is immediately "why didn't I get invited?" and "you are all getting punished, right now"

• My other baby "We did good today! Have a drink with me!" And that is a cutsleeve reference, you can't deny it. So basically, Lan Wangji kicks his way through the door and Wei Wuxian's immediate reaction is "I want to climb that like a tree!"

• Then as the others run away and by baby is immobilized by the talisman, WWX closes him in, and has him do shots, well one anyway and is somehow still surprised when that goes badly. My other baby can be so dumb.

• Let's put him to bed, try to help with proper positioning of accessories and then get into depressing conversations. That's Wei Wuxian's game, and it sucks. But then it works? I mean, he does wake up in that bed. (I know, I know)

• I love that Lan Qiren has seen Wei Wuxian multiple times and punished him almost all of them, and it's only now when Lan Xichen talks about him that he's like "who is this kid?" and then "Crap there's another one."

• Lan Xichen must think that stories about Cangse Sanren are the funniest thing ever, he didn't even try not to react. Who told him that story? Or is it just kinda written down in the logs, "visiting disciple Cange Sanren punished for the offense of shaving the beard of Lan Qiren without his consent"

• Lan Xichen "Wei Wuxian is great! Brings life to the place" Disciple "WWX got drunk last night on the forbidden alcohol" Lan Xichen "See? Such youthful exuberance" Disciple "Lan Wangji was found with him" Lan Xichen 😳 *shocked Pikachu noises*

• Lan Wangji races to the pavillion to get punished, and I know that we're supposed to be thinking it's because of the drinking, and disobeying the rules, but he's really there because he had impure thoughts about a boy and is hoping to have some sense knocked into him

• Punishment with my other baby is kinda hard. I have lots of feelings and not really funny thoughts about what punishment means to ADHD kids, and abused kids, and the complexity of being both, and I could probably write an essay (based only on personal and family experience), but it doesn't really fit here. Ask me about it later

• Lan Xichen: "you just got my brother in trouble, why don't you go join him for a bath? Nothing could go wrong with that, experience tells me this" 😉

• I really wish that someone would have sat Wei Wuxian down and told him stories of his parents, my baby doesn't know anything and doesn't know how he fits anywhere. Just knowing more about them would have put him on such a healthier path seeing as he would be able to take pride that he exists, that he is theirs, and that it means something special to be their son

• Hearing Wei Wuxian call his name Lan Wangji immediately thinks "I am not clothed enough to deal with this bane of my existence, I might display a *reaction* and now I must smother my feelings and ignore him"

• Lan Wangji does not get enough credit for being reckless, here he is, in a cave that he didn't have any clue existed, so let's just walk straight up to the instrument on the pedestal! I looks like it's so old! What have I found here, it's amazing! And oh shit it's attacking Wei Ying! What am I going to do? Yes, using my sacred headband and tying him to me is reasonable, it's only so he doesn't get killed. That is against the rules after all.

• This is the official first use of inquiry in the show, and it seems like it's a mystical connection with the spirit world/plane of existence. And we know from later that they go ahead and teach this method to kids. I wonder if any spirits get super frustrated like when you're on hold forever and then the rep you finally get can't even help you, or sometimes even understand the problem. Even if I just wanted something mundane, I would totally turn into a resentful spirit if I had to deal that

• Let's see, five soon-to-be great clans and four pieces of Yin Iron? Yeah, that makes sense

• Lan Qiren to Lan Xichen: "this is not like Wangji" Lan Xichen: "what are you really concerned about?" Lan Qiren: "a storm is coming" WTF! I already said that Lans suck at communication, but damn, you just could have said that you think they might have eloped

• I wish I understood better the illness that plagues Jiang Yanli, cause mostly it seems that they went "and she shall be weak for plot related reasons we refuse to justify" Jiang Yanli is my treasure, and I will not have her treated this way by the writers.

• Wei Wuxian is so damn excited to meet Lan Yi, it's so cute!

• Lan Wangji to Lan Yi: "forgive me, but aren't you dead?"

• So for our introduction to Yin Iron we find out several important things: 1) the clans had no idea how bad an idea of creating a taboo was. Forbidden knowledge always works out great for everyone 2) Yin Iron is not to be fucked with, and some idiot went and corrupted it about a thousand years ago and no one can undo it. 3) Baoshan Sanren and Lan Yi were together, and the mirror image of Wangxian 4) bunnies can live for hundreds of years if they wear headbands

[shadow--writer]

When You're all Alone I will Reach for you, When You're Feeling low I will be There too

title

Maeve x Lucas. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. 4.6k

TW: heat exhaustion, passing out, a bit of blood, a lecture.

@dela-png

Lucas was stumbling a lot. Dizzy in a way. He had to keep pausing what he was doing to hold his head and lean against something. 

Checking in on him had become a habit, one he kept waving off. With a smile, a shrug, and then him getting back to work. His brows furrowing a little as he focused on something. 

She was starting to worry about him. He looked a bit more...gaunt. Okay, sure, gaunt Lucas still looked healthier than gaunt Maeve, but he looked so...pale. 

And that was odd. 

She tore her gaze away from Lucas for the fourth time in ten minutes. She wanted to ask him what was wrong, but they were both working in some way. The others he was working with didn’t seem to notice so maybe he was fine. Maybe the sun was just washing him out. 

But now even Will looked worried. 

She was currently trying to work on a new spell, taking a break from the clinic. It was so fucking hot outside and inside it was miserable. She wished it would rain already or at least be cooler out. 

Now she wasn’t as focused on her spellwork, and more focused on Lucas. His brows were deeply creased as he focused on walking right. 

Something was wrong, but she didn’t know what. 

She sighed, looking back at her notes and the old book she found in a back alley bookstore. The spell work was fascinating, but she just couldn’t...bring herself to keep reading. 

Lucas caught her eye again, her eyes softened with a question and he only smiled in return. 

A weak smile. 

His cheeks were redder now. She pushed herself to her feet. The fact she could see how bright his face was from here was concerning. 

Not a cloud in the sky. 

He turned away from her as she closed her book. 

Then slowly, he began to fall. 

It all felt...so dreamlike. So unreal. 

Her chair fell as she ran to him, the things he was holding spilling out on the dock as his fever got the better of him. 

It was like her world was falling down around her as her blood ran hot through her veins, the snap of him passing out enough to make her eyes and body glow like she was on fire.

The chatter of the other workers went dead silent as she skidded to a stop. 

She knelt down, pushing his hair back from his face. His skin was hot under her hands. Goosebumps erupted along her arms as the panic started to set in. 

“Lucas please,” she whispered, pushing his shoulders back so he’d be laying on his back. His face was red and he was burning up. 

She guessed heat exhaustion. 

But something else. 

She didn’t have time to figure it out, she needed to get him inside and out of the sun. 

Her eyes watered. “Please help me,” she whispered, to anyone who was listening. To no one listening. A few tears slipped down her cheeks. “I don’t know what’s wrong with him. He just…he just…” 

She clenched her jaw. “I’m a doctor for goddess sake! Why can’t I help him? I can’t…I can’t get him home.”

She needed to get him out of the sun, but with him on his back she couldn’t very well carry him. She was strong for someone her size, yes, but she wasn’t that strong. 

But she had to try.

Trying to keep her breathing calm, she pushed him to sit upright, and she swung him over her shoulders. 

She breathed in, holding her breath as she slowly stood up. Gods, stars and spirits he was heavy. And warm. He was almost too warm. 

Huffing, she stumbled forward. She isn’t going to make it back. She knew she wouldn’t make it. 

But she had to try. 

“I…hate you,” she wheezed, new tears falling down her face. “I can’t get you home.” She let out a tiny sob, stumbling again.

“I just want you to let me help you,” she snapped, it was useless she was talking to nothing.

Then suddenly he wasn’t as heavy anymore. 

And then he wasn’t on her shoulders. 

Her hands grew hot as she whirled around, but the person standing next to her only adjusted Lucas on their back. 

“You’ll pass out too at this rate,” they said, voice gruff. “You won’t be any help if you are.”

“Thank you,” she whispered, wiping her eyes. “I wouldn’t have made it home.”

They smiled at her, it was a nervous fluttery smile, as they shifted Lucas again. “It’s no trouble. I’m surprised you managed to make it to the end of the dock with him on your shoulders.”

“I left my book and notes.”

“I can bring those by later, if you’d like.”

“Thank you.”

“If it gets me out of work for a little while,” they joked weakly. 

She only grimaced back, the air crackling with an almost palpable nervousness. They were only helping in a distant way. Not because they really cared about him. She appreciated the help, but they were so skittish.

“Can I ask why you chose to help?” she whispered. Their head snapped up as she met their eyes. “You just...look like you want to be anywhere but here.”

“He’s a hard worker.” It sounded like they believed it, it was true. But they wouldn’t meet her eyes. “Shy as the devil, but a hard worker. And if someone passes out and you watch this tiny lady try and carry them off, no offense, wouldn’t anyone help?”

“Only you did,” she said softly. 

They sighed. Everyone who worked at the dock was so...tall. None as tall as Lucas as far as she could tell. 

But she was just...almost like nothing. 

She really was more of a burden than a help. She wondered why Lucas liked her so much. She was useless. 

She blinked back tears.

“Its rumours is all. He’s nice but people are scared of guys who have the resting face of a guy who wants to kill ya.”

“He does?”

They looked at her funny. “Well, have you seen him?”

She wilted. “He’s just...a sweetheart though.”

“I’m sure he is but that face is something most people don’t get past. Paired with the rumours it’s no wonder people are skittish of him.”

Rumours?

She stared at Lucas, he had a sunburn on the back of his neck and his breathing was a bit huffy. She needed to make something for him to eat and get him water. 

But there was so much he wasn’t telling her. She knew that.

She knew it from the day he paled at her mentioning the blue paint. 

Her eyes narrowed and she walked ahead. It didn’t take long for them to get Lucas home and inside. The person helping her from the dock only nodded and left. 

Leaving her alone. 

In the stifling silence of his home, with the curtains drawn shut to cool the house down as much as she could. 

Working quickly she filled a basin with water and tucked it under the bed where he was asleep. Wringing out a cloth over the basin, she pressed the back of her hand to his forehead. Fever. She was right about the heat exhaustion.

The way he was shaking...something else was happening as well. 

Judging by the lack of...activity in the kitchen, he wasn’t eating right as well. 

Blinking back more tears, she stared into the empty kitchen. She hated this. She hated it so much. He left her no choice but to try and cook for him. He needed to eat something, even if it was her shitty cooking. 

Letting out a deep inhale, she got to work.

~~

“Fuck!” she screamed, hurling the spoon she held at the wall. Her latest attempt at making something edible fell through. Latest attempt out of what? Five? Six?

“Fuck,” she whispered, pressing her palm to her eye. She felt her nose burn as she teared up. She hated this. She hated not being able to help him. She was useless. 

She sunk to the floor, crying softly as she watched the spoon slide off the wall and leave behind a smear of failed soup.

“I can’t do anything right,” she sobbed to herself. His home was eerily quiet with him asleep. It felt eerily quiet with her there alone.

Eerily quiet with no talk to fill the space.

She scrubbed at her eyes, drawing her knees up to her chin to make herself smaller. What was she going to do? It was too late now to go to the market to get something, and she didn’t want to leave him. She didn’t want him to wake up alone in the dead silent house while she just...failed to be of any use. 

She couldn’t even make soup right. 

She slowly got to her feet, sniffling and rubbing her tears away. She could do this. She had to try. 

She just couldn't do anything fancy. She couldn’t do anything he might do. She could...make one thing. Terribly, but she could try. 

He was going to get the talking to of the century when he woke up.

She looked around in his ice box, thankfully she hadn’t tried to use any of the meat yet. Her vision was blurred with a never ending stream of tears. 

She was just so...angry. Angry and upset and...scared. She could feel the deep fear curdling in her gut as she seasoned and prepared the meat, cutting it up slowly. 

She sliced her finger again, spewing curses through sobs. “Fucking idiot,” she yelled, kicking the cabinet with her bare foot. The sound echoed through the silent house as her toes throbbed from the pain. 

Blood slid down her finger as she popped it into her mouth, looking for something to bandage it.

She dug through her bag by the door, sticking an adhesive bandage on the cut.

Dejectedly, she made her way back into the kitchen.

She took her anger out on vegetables. Also taking out her fingers as she cut, but she wasn’t paying attention, trying to quiet her sobs. 

After many. Many. Many, tries of cutting vegetables up and then bandaging most of her fingers, the stew was simmering.

Finally something that she’s made hasn't failed. 

She shuffled over to the couch. There were so many things cluttered on it. Books, papers and other trinkets. They looked like they were moved recently, but the build up of dust on the couch was...not a good sign. 

Her body trembled as she just grew colder and colder. Why did he have to be such an idiot? 

And why did she have to be so in love with him?

She bit her lip so hard it started to bleed as she carefully moved the books and papers off the couch and onto the floor. She coughed as she kicked up dust, swiping angrily at her tears. Fuck him. Fuck this all. She hated it so much. She hated how depressed his house felt. She hated how terrible he was to himself. 

She hated how much she cared. 

Why did she have to care about it so much? Why did he just have to be...such an idiot. An idiot who was self sacrificial and stupid. 

And she had to go out and fall in love with him. 

She flopped onto the couch, sneezing so hard her body shook as she curled up. She needed to wait for the stew to simmer for a bit.

And she was just…tired. 

Breathing softly, she fell asleep.

~~

It was the smell that first dragged her from her bleariness. 

Dadí must be cooking then. But it was their beef carrot potato stew. Only made for a special occasion. What...was he making it for…?

She opened her eyes and the events of the last day hit her at full force.

Lucas. Exhaustion. Overworking. He passed out. She cooked. 

She was alone.

She looked down at her hands. They hurt. They hurt a lot. Blood beaded up as she curled her hands into fists.

Pushing herself off the couch, she rubbed her arms. The house was cold. It was cold without him laughing. It was cold without his voice.

It was cold without him.

She walked into the kitchen, checking on the stew. It should be ready. She peaked out the window by the countertop, the world bathed in starlight and old street lamps. The daylight world was asleep now. 

She scooped a little of her misshapen creation into a bowl, digging around his kitchen for another one and some spoons. She didn’t have the stuff needed for the broth, so she had to improvise. 

Finding two spoons from two different silverware sets and an old clay bowl, she dropped them on the counter by the stove. She grabbed a spoon for herself, and tried some of her stew, wallowing in self pity.

It...wasn’t the most terrible thing she had ever made. It was a far cry from what Lucas or hell, even what Aislin could make, but it would do. 

It didn’t inspire the joy it did when her dad made it, but the familiar taste brought a little comfort to her as she felt her stomach warm. 

She scooped more into a bowl, her footsteps soft against the worn wood flooring as she made her way to Lucas’ room. He was still asleep, but she didn’t care. He had to eat something. Along the way she swiped his canteen, feeling the water inside swish with her movements.

Her anger made her hands shake. 

She set the bowl on his bedside table, grabbing a chair from the kitchen and bringing that in as well.

She tapped his cheek once, and he let out a low whine. 

“Wake up,” she said. Her tone was flat and empty. Just like the house. 

She poked his cheek again and he cracked one eye open. He looked around blearily as she grabbed the bowl of stew. 

“You’re an idiot, you know,” she said, the anger barely being contained in her tone. She scooped some beef and a carrot onto the spoon, blowing on it softly. “And you scared me.”

She held the spoon to his face, helping him eat it. She wiped the excess broth from his chin with the corner of her dress, repeating the motion.

He only watched her, silently eating what she fed him. The way his face twisted let her know how bad it tasted. Sure it was fine to her.

But he had a…refined sense of taste. 

But he didn’t say anything, probably to spare her feelings. She didn’t want her feelings spared, and the sparks at her fingertips made her flinch.

She gripped the spoon tightly, trying to calm her erratic breathing. She would not hurt him in an outburst. She wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she did. 

“You...you have the gall to lecture me on my eating habits and then you turn around and pull- pull this bullshit!”

She was going to cry again. She didn’t want to cry in front of him but she didn’t know if it could be avoided. 

“You’ll work yourself to death at this rate,” she whispered softly, brushing his lower lip with her thumb. “You need to eat. And you need to take care of yourself.”

“I do eat.” His voice was rough and hoarse, breathing softly. His cheeks were still red but his fever had gone down a little. “Too much.”

“And then not at all.” He refused the spoon. She pressed it against his mouth. “You are going to finish this whole bowl,” she ordered. “You are going to finish this whole bowl and then you and I will map out an eating plan.”

He opened his mouth to protest, she shoved the spoon inside, her expression making it clear she was not in the mood for arguing. 

“We’ll make an eating plan,” she continued, scraping the bottom of the bowl. “And I’ll leave little reminders for you. If you want I can help you make meals to keep in your ice box so you have those ready if you don’t want to cook.”

She held the spoon to him again. “Why are you doing this?” he asked, taking the bite. “It’s not like I’ve done much for you.”

She chased the last bit of beef with the spoon, blinking away tears. “Yes, you have,” she said softly. 

“Yeah, sure.”

She held the spoon up to him. “Last bite.”

“What have I done to help you anyways? Feels like you’ve been-”

“Last bite,” she said firmly, cleaning the broth off his chin again. He took the bite and she set the bowl down, grabbing the canteen. She held it up to him and watched him drink for a moment.

“You’ve done plenty,” she started, brushing his hair out of his face. “You’ve brought me flowers. Made me lunch.”

“Well I make lunch for everyone.”

“And the flowers?”

He wouldn’t meet her eyes. “Just...for you.”

She let out a harsh breath. “You helped the kids make my new handkerchief. You helped me when my…my clinic was robbed. Lucas, you don’t have to do much for me at all.”

“Yes I do.”

“No, you don’t. I like spending time with you because I like you, isn’t that enough?” Her eyes snapped up to meet his.

“But you...you’re always helping me. Taking care of me like you are now.”

She curled his hair around one of her fingers. “Well I’m a doctor, that’s my job.”

He wouldn’t meet her eye. “Maeve why can’t I...why can’t I do the same for you?”

“Currently because you overworked yourself on no food, with heat exhaustion, collapsed, forcing me to face my mortal enemy in the kitchen and destroy my hands,” she said, letting go of his hair. 

He looked at her bloodied bandaged fingers, eyes widening. “Oh Maeve I am-”

“Don’t you apologize,” she hissed, her eyes flashing. Her anger coiled in her gut and then she exploded. “Don’t you dare fucking apologize to me. I want to see you do better. I want to see you take care of yourself like an actual fucking human! Not like you’re...you’re...a working machine!”

She was crying now. Tears slid down her cheeks as she pressed her fists into the sheets beside him. “I want you to do better because I care about you. Isn’t that enough?”

“Maeve don’t cry…” she swatted his hand away. He let it drop. 

She was seething. “You listen here to me, Batsaikhan Karimov,” she hissed, jutting a finger at his nose. He flinched at the use of his name. “I will cry if I goddamn want to! I will cry all the fucking time if I so see it fit! You have no right to tell me not to cry after the BULLSHIT you just put me through with your shitty fucking work and eating habits!”

He was shocked into silence. She was going on a tirade but she didn’t care.

“You’re going to listen to me, and listen to me good,” she growled. “We are going to figure something out for you. And if it means putting me on an eating plan as well because goddess knows I fucking need it so be it.” She was yelling. She probably sounded hysterical. “And for the love of all the stars and spirits you need to clean up your house. Sentimental value does not mean catching some sort of sinus infection!”

His eyes widened again, and he looked ashamed. “But-”

“No,” she snarled. “No buts. I will help you clean. We will find a place for everything in this house, we will dust this house. We will clean, sweep and mop. You sir, are now stuck with me. And guess what? It means I’m not going to coddle you at every turn and I'm gonna help you get your shit together. You hear that? No more fucking moping!”

He blinked rapidly, her chest heaved. 

“You...done?”

“Yes thank you.”

“Maeve I haven’t cleaned since the last of my family died. I don’t want to.” His eyes were hard as he looked at her. “It’s what I have left of my family.”

“Too fucking bad.” He flinched at the venom and weight of her tone. She ran her hands through her hair, shaking as she grew colder. “We…we aren’t going to throw anything out, but we are going to make this place livable again so I don’t break my fucking arm every time I decide to visit!” 

“What...what do you mean by that?”

“Guess what, shitface! You’re now stuck with me! Like it or not I’m going to be stuck to you like a leech.” She scrubbed at her eyes, she just needed to stop crying.

“But what if you leave?! Where does that leave me then?” he snapped.

“Well if you ever decide to kick me to the fucking curb you’ll bounce back. I will make sure of it.”

“Kick you to the curb?”

“Yeah, like every other fucking person I know,” she groused. “Even if I do go, you’ll wallow for a bit but your house will be clean, there won’t be dust, and you’ll have hopefully started healthier eating habits.”

“What if I don’t want you to go?” he asked softly.

“I’d say ‘good’ because I’m not planning on leaving anytime soon. I’m not here to fix you but the way you’re living now terrifies me. It scares me because I see myself in it. I see how I acted in you and I don’t want you to go down the same path,” she sniffed, balling the sheets up in her hands as she trembled.

“Same path?”

“I almost fucking killed myself in the plague due to not eating right. My house was a mess and I was depressed. I am not going to watch you spiral the same way.”

“What if I have?”

“Then I’ll drag your ass back kicking and screaming if I have to. I’m not going to fix you. I can’t do that, and I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to date you only to become your nanny. But I’ll be here to at least help you and be someone you can depend on.”

“Maeve-”

“Don't ‘Maeve’ me, asshole.” She glared at him, his eyes were open in shock. She let out a frustrated scream before smashing her lips against his. He made a startled noise at the kiss, hand coming up to tuck against the back of her head as he kissed her back with the same passion.

She pulled away after a moment, the angry press of lips making hers tingle. She rubbed her lips with the back of her head, looking away from him. “Don’t get a big head about it,” she sniffed, brushing his hair back and checking his temperature again. “I’ll go...clean up the mess I made.”

She turned away, trying to calm her erratic heart. Her skin was warm still, she fought to cool off and fight her magic off. Evil. It was all evil. 

His hand wrapped around her wrist. “Stay,” he whispered. 

She stopped. That one word sent her spiraling again. The one word made her love for him come bubbling to the surface. It was too much. 

She looked at her feet, turning around to look at him. His hand trailed down her arm and he gently intertwined their fingers. 

“But you need to cool down,” she murmured, moving closer to brush his hair back. The cloth on his forehead was still cool. 

“I don’t care.” The look in his eye was stubborn as he tugged on her hand. The force had her leaning into the touch. “Stay. Please.”

She was still mad at him. Furious.

She brushed his hair back, kissing his forehead. He was cooler under her touch now. “Okay.”

His arm immediately wrapped around her as she climbed over him and tucked herself into his side. 

She buried her face in his side. “I’m still mad at you though,” she muttered. All this time she thought she was the self sacrificing idiot. But nooo she just had to fall in love with one who was almost worse. “But I don’t want to leave the dumbass who passed out while working. Big idiot is my big idiot and he worries me.”

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “I’m sorry.”

“You better be.”

He chuckled softly, shifting over so she was buried in his chest. He was comforting, strong, and warm. She felt new hot tears fall down her face as she shivered. A fresh wave of cold washed over her body, eating her from the inside out. He was warm and he was okay. He was okay now. He was safe now. She helped him. She was still here. He was still here. 

She sneezed into the silence. 

He broke it, inhaling softly. “Did...you mean what you said?”

“About what?” she sniffed, rubbing at her eyes. She was starting to feel the effects of inhaling too much dust. “I said a lot of things.”

“About not leaving.”

“You’d have to drag me away.”

His hands tightened around her as she moved to take her socks off, throwing them to some corner of the room. She lifted the covers up and snuggled under them, her hair fanning out on the pillow behind her. She was starting to shiver violently. 

He brushed her cheek with his thumb. “Your freckles dimmed.”

“They do that when I’m upset.”

He kissed both of her cheeks gently, his breath warm against her skin. “I think they’re beautiful.”

She moved away from him. She didn’t want him to get any sicker. Lucas, she loved him, but he had other ideas, wrapping her up and keeping her close. She couldn’t fight it, he’d sulk. She knew it. So she gripped the fabric of his shirt like if she let go he’d fade away. “Don’t say sappy things. I’m still mad.”

His arms relaxed around her when he realized she wasn’t going to fight to leave. He played with her hair. “Mad mad?”

“Extremely mad mad. We start cleaning tomorrow. In the kitchen. I kind of made a mess.”

He laughed, it made his chest vibrate. His heart was a steady thump under her ear. “Of course you did.”

“You left me no other choice, dipshit,” she muttered to his chest.

“You’re very creative with those insults.”

“Yeah yeah whatever you say, mo grá.”

“And what does that mean?”

She would never tell him. No. She couldn’t tell him. Not with the idea of him leaving hanging over her. She needed to give it time. 

So she lied.

“Moronic idiot.”

He chuckled again, kissing the top of her head. “Whatever you say, Thumbelina. Get some sleep now, you look like you could sleep through a hurricane.”

“Oh wow that was very nice of you.”

“You just spent the last ten minutes insulting me.”

“Well you deserved it. Scared the shit outta me.”

He rubbed her back gently as she settled into his hold. He was warm. It was one of the only things she could focus on with how cold she was becoming. He tilted her head up to kiss her softly. When they parted she buried her face in his neck, waiting for his breathing to slow and become rhythmic. 

“Grá geal mo chroí,” she whispered, kissing the crook of his neck. His breathing was so soft, his heart steady. She blinked away more tears. “I love you.”

[chickensarentcheap]

Never Gonna Be Alone:  Chapter 1

Warnings: none

Tagging: @innerpaperexpertcloud, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @alievans007, @tragiclyhip

His flight lands at JFK shortly before two in the afternoon. He’d slept for the better part of it; worn out from the lengthy hikes in the oppressive heat. Something to eat and a shower had done him some good. Easing the majority of tightness in his back and shoulders and tackling some of the swelling and pain in his right knee. It remains the proverbial thorn in his side; first replacement failing after only a year and a half and then having lengthy and painful recovery issues following the second one. He’ll never be able to fully straighten that leg or go a day without some swelling or pain. The surgeons had done the best they could under the circumstances; warning him of excessive and irreparable damage done to the surrounding ligaments and tendons and preparing him for a third surgery before he hits sixty.

While miserable and hobbling at times, it’s still nowhere near as agonizing as what he’d been living with before. Ninety percent of his nights are spent sleeping straight through; very rarely is he woken by pain, nor does he have to resort to the alternating of hot and cold showers in effort of relieving some of the suffering. And there’s been no nightmares. Two and a half years of NOT having his rest disrupted by vivid and terrifying recollections of his times in Dhaka. THAT’S more of relief than the absence of pain; the troubles with his mind finally giving him reprieve thanks to a strict regime of medications and therapies. There’s been no manic or severely depressive moments; moods managed relatively well and healthy coping mechanisms long ago replacing the damaging and dangerous behaviours he’d once turned to.

It helps to have a support system. Knowing there’s someone in your corner that will constantly cheer you on; never letting you get discouraged or allowing you to give up on yourself. Oftentimes...when things get particularly bad...willingly carrying some of the burden and despair themselves. Had it not been for her, he would have surrendered a long time ago. He would have easily resorted back to the booze and the drugs; his life empty and meaningless and not worth the effort and the oxygen it took to stay alive.

He woke an hour before landing and placed two calls. The first to Dylan’s Candy Bar; a favourite destination of the kids every time they make a trip to the Big Apple. It’s one of the places they insist on visiting at least twice. Shamelessly dropping nearly all their spending money given to them by their parents; filling their shopping bags to the brim with sweet treats and various trinkets. The order was simple; seven plastic buckets -each adorned with the kids’ favourite cartoon character or superhero- filled with their candy and chocolate of choice and gift certificates for the sundae bar. The second call is placed to the ‘go to’ local florist. Two dozen long stemmed sweetheart roses; white, pink, and purple. It makes him happy; being able to both surprise and spoil her. The latter always launches a protest on her behalf; reminding him that she isn’t a materialistic person and most certainly doesn’t expect or need expensive gifts. But he can’t help himself. While they live remarkably simple and low key in the grand scheme of things, it’s no secret that money is no longer an issue; their bank account will never run dry and there will always be cash -BIG cash- rolling in. And he feels she deserves to be spoiled and treated like a queen. Not only giving him seven kids in as many years, but staying by his side through thick and thin; never giving up on him -or the- even when things were their darkest and direst.

She’s been with him from the humblest of beginnings; when he had absolutely nothing to offer her. Money had been scarce. Nearly all their combined savings used up on a mountain of medical bills; his long and painful recovery from Dhaka making any and all employment impossible. It was worrisome; wondering how the hell he’d keep a roof over her head and food in her pregnant belly. If he couldn’t manage THAT, how was he going to be able to properly care for a kid? They hadn’t had much back then; that tiny apartment outside of Sydney filled with used and mismatched furniture and barely any clothes in their closets. But she’d hung in there. Agreeing to marry him even though he couldn’t even afford to give her a ring, let alone a proper wedding. Loving him with every fibre of her being and always looking at him as if he was the most incredible man on earth; declaring that he made her feel safe and protected and that she’d never...EVER...felt that way before.

And that’s why he does. All of that blind faith and love and trust that she’s always possessed. The chances she’s given to him; forgiving him for all the broken promises and all the lies he told -never maliciously, only as a means of keeping her safe- and the times he fell off the wagon and went back to the booze and drugs. So many times she could have walked away; taken the kids and fled the country and made sure that he would never find them. But she never did. She never let it...HIM...break them. No matter how hard it got, no matter tears she shed, no matter how volatile the arguments or how many holes he punched in the walls, she never gave up. Even when she did kick him out, it hadn’t been a sign of defeat. It had been a warning; telling him that she wouldn’t allow someone like him in her children’s lives and he needed to clean up his act. He’s still ashamed that it took as long as it had. Six months spent wallowing in his self pity and despair; twenty four weeks away from his family because he was too scared and too weak to face his problems head on and try to solve them. And she’d taken him back; a tearful phone call in the middle of the night begging him to come home. They’d stayed up until dawn; having the calm and rational heart to heart that they should have indulged in months..if not YEARS...ago. And finally he’d been ready to change; crying and begging for forgiveness and promising to do whatever it took to make things right again.

To make THEM right again.

Although Anil had arranged for a private car to take him home, he opts for a taxi instead. While he appreciates Anil's continued generosity, it’s far too ‘flashy’ for him; a black Lincoln with tinted windows pulling up into Gramercy Park will only draw attention from the neighbours. While everyone residing there is just as wealthy -if not more- things are still relatively low key; North American made SUVs and sedans in place of luxury models from overseas, no outward displays of disgusting riches and pompous attitudes. He knows he and his family are an enigma of sorts; nine of them from Australia showing up out of the blue and dropping huge cash -especially for what’s considered a young family- on a place that'd been on the market for nearly two years. Then spending an exorbitant amount of money transforming the three story townhome into exactly what they wanted. Adding a private and secluded back deck complete with a wet bar and a hot tub and an area for outdoor food prep and grilling. Blowing the one wall out in TJ and Tanner’s room; removing would have been a study in favour of turning it into built in queen sized bunk beds and enormous walk in closets with enough space for clothes and toys. And a home gym stocked with the best equipment money can buy and a top of the line sound system; ; an addition off the kitchen that had been a last minute decision. It had taken two years and a dozen trips to and from Australia and New York CIty to get everything just right. Finding joy in seeing just what all the hard work and seemingly endless shedding of blood, sweat, and tears, could actually bring to their family.

When he’s two blocks away he texts his wife, letting her know he’s mere minutes from their front gate. The three littlest love that final stretch; kneeling on the couch and pressing their noses against the living room window as they impatiently await his arrival. She’ll try to get boots and coats on them in time; more often than not chasing them out the front door with winter apparel in hand, shouting about the dangers of frostbite and hypothermia and how they don’t want to spend their entire Christmas break stuck in bed with the flu. It’s been an adventure; raising seven children. Definitely not for the faint of heart or those lacking in patience. There’s the frustrating moments; two or three throwing temper tantrums in unison, an often mouthy and rebellious pre-teen girl that makes her mother her primary target, a ten year old boy that has absolutely no fear; who indulges -and excels- in even the most aggressive of sports and gets bored and irritable if he isn’t keeping himself moving. It’s chaotic and it’s noisy. School mornings are a whirlwind of activity; breakfast for a family of nine, the oldest helping finish and pack lunches, mom and dad working on getting the less independent kiddos ready and out the door. But there’s a lot of fun under that roof; an endless supply of giggles and little arms always ready and willing to wrap you in a hug. The great times far out number the trying and exhausting ones; rewarded with kisses and cuddles and those crinkly eyed smiles.

And there’s a lot of love in that house. If the pain and the worry and the fear that his brush with death had five years ago had taught him anything, it’s that they truly are capable of getting through even the toughest of times. They ARE stronger together than they are apart; fighting through all the pain and all the tears and coming out the other side relatively unscathed. And they’ve become stronger; as individuals AND as a couple. Their marriage has never been healthier. Rational and calm discussions taking the place of often volatile arguments and taking every opportunity presented to them for ‘one on one time’; whether it be date nights or their evening walks along the beach or coffee out on the deck while the sun rises. Seamlessly and effortlessly working as a team when it comes to raising their children, but never forgetting how important it is to acknowledge the bond that exists between them. Not just as spouses and two people that made babies together, but as best friends and lovers and each other’s biggest supporters and most loyal confidants. Marriage therapy has turned out to be the best thing they ever could have agreed to; able to acknowledge their weaknesses as both a couple and as individuals. Opening their eyes to the little things that annoyed and often -unintentionally- hurt one another and tested the limits of their patience.

Things aren’t perfect. But most days they seem damn close to it.

****

Clad in a cumbersome ski jacket and a pair of heavy and clunky winter boots, five year old Takota scrambles onto the living room couch. Leaning stomach first against the back cushion, he places his elbows along the top and heaves a long, forlorn sigh. “He’s late.”

Beside him -and already bundled into her own cold weather gear- Addie casts a glance towards the clock that graces the nearby fireplace mantle. “It’s only been eight minutes.”

“Mummy said he’d be here in FIVE minutes.”

“Maybe the traffic is bad. Maybe the cabbie is a really slow driver. I’m sure he’ll be here soon.”

“I hope so.” Another dramatic sigh. “I wonder why daddy had to go away in the first place?”

Addie twirls one of the braided tassels on her knitted hat around her index finger. “‘Cause Kota, he’s the boss and sometimes bosses have to go and boss people around. In person. Not just on the phone and through the computer.”

“Maybe he had to go and yell at them,” Takota suggests, and pushes his beanie towards the back of his head, then uses a forearm to clear beads of sweat from his brow. “His voice is REALLY loud when he yells. I bet he scared them . Do you think they cried?”

“I would cry if he yelled at me.”

“Daddy never yells at us. He doesn’t need to. He just gives us the stink eye. You know, ‘the look’.”

“The look is scarier than when he yells, I think. He yells at Millie sometimes.”

“That’s ‘cause she deserves it. We don’t. We’re just little. She’s big and mean. And bad. Really bad.”

“Who’s bad?” Brooklyn asks, soles of her boots loud against the laminate flooring as she clomps into the living room, then squeezes her tall and slender frame between the window and the back of the couch.

“Millie,” her twin replies. “All the time.”

“That’s ‘cause she’s almost a teenager,” Brooklyn reasons. “All teenagers are bad.”

“I think it’s ‘cause she’s just a big bitch,” Addie declares.

Voices -especially high pitched little ones that don’t come with a volume switch or understand the meaning of the word ‘whisper’- travel easily through the main floor. Particularly through the open concept design that seamlessly combines living room and kitchen; high ceilings and easy to clean carpet free flooring. A definite must have with seven kids and two dogs. And as she stands at the kitchen island nursing a mug of tea, Esme’s eyebrows arch as she catches the profanity that slips from her soon to be six year old’s mouth.

“Hey!” she calls, and drops her chin to her chest and narrows her eyes. “Language. Please.”

“Sorry,” Addie gives a sheepish grin, then turns back towards the window. “It’s true though.”

“Mum,” Takota turns to face the back of the couch; a pout on his lips and his arms crossed over his chest. “You said he’d be here in five minutes. It’s been an hour.”

“It’s been ten minutes,” she informs him. “It’s snowing out. People forget how to drive when it’s snowing. Traffic is probably bad. Patience, young sir.”

“I don’t have any patience. I’m five, remember? Why did daddy have to go away again?”

“He had some business to take care of. Far away.”

“He’s been gone for like a year.”

“I know it seems that way, but he’s only been gone for four days. Five if you count the night he left.”

“Why’s he leave when we’re sleeping?” Brooklyn inquires, as she traces a fingertip along the edges of the paper snowflakes -done in various colours and sizes- that she and her siblings had created and taped to the glass the evening before. “Why doesn’t he wait to say bye to us?”

“Because most of the flights leave at night. It’s not personal.”

“He should at least wake us up,” Takota says. “I hate not getting to say bye to him.”

“I don’t know, I’m kinda of glad that he DOESN’T say bye,” Addie pipes up. “I’d cry for sure. It’s better if he goes when I’m asleep. So I don’t ugly cry.”

Their chatter turns to plans to build snowmen in the small expanse of backyard, hopes of going sledding, and excitement over the buckets of candy that had been delivered only thirty minutes earlier. The bouquet of flowers sits in the middle of the dining table; a stunning arrangement of long stemmed sweetheart roses in her favourite colours and accompanied by a card that simply reads: I LOVE YOU. While not a fan of grand romantic gestures, over the past five years he’s shown an increased propensity for these ‘out of the blue’ moments. It can be simple yet thoughtful and personal things. Her favourite cupcakes from the local bakery back home, flowers being delivered to the bookstore in the middle of the day, or him taking a break from seemingly endless hours of ‘in office’ work and showing up with lunch for the both of them. Just taking the time to be with her is what matters most to her; the affection he gives and effort he puts into making sure she realizes just how often she’s on his mind. And how much he appreciates her and loves her and truly can’t imagine his life without her.

Then there’s the bigger and more elaborate things; the desire to spoil her every chance he gets, claiming it makes him happy to do so. She always protests. Reminding him that that’s NOT why she fell in love with him; marrying him when they both had very little yet their lives somehow seeming simpler and less stressful. But it just goes in one ear and out the other. his persistence and stubbornness always getting the upper hand. Showering her with jewelry and designer clothing and accessories; surprising with spa appointments and ‘girls weekends’ away with her sister. And then there’s the twice yearly ‘mommy and daddy only’ trips he insists they take. One always to their favorite getaway in Phuket, Thailand, and the other destination always kept a secret until they actually land. He says it makes him happy; being able to just randomly treat her to things they’d never been able to really afford before. Truly believing that she deserves to be spoiled; wanting a way to show how much he appreciates her and how grateful he is for the life she’s given him. A chance to prove he CAN be a good husband and father and that his past mistakes in no way to define who he truly is. And he always talks about how fortunate he is that he found a strong woman; someone that stuck around during even the hardest and darkest of times. Always loyal and faithful. Loving him when he didn’t make it easy to.

He’s come a long way in five years. THEY’VE come a long way. Both separately and as a couple. Therapy has made a world of difference; helping them get to the bottom of both individual issues and those causing friction and tension in their marriage. It had taken him a while to accept the idea of couples counselling; afraid that needing it was a sign that things were far worse than he thought they were Slowing coming around to the realization that it wasn’t because they had serious problems that had to be addressed, but because they needed to find ways to keep those issues from cropping up in the first place. Both had needed to be reminded that their roles in each other’s lives went far beyond just being spouses and raising children together. That the bond that existed between them surpassed what most normal couples could lay claim to. Best friends. Lovers. Each other’s most trusted confidants and most loyal and steadfast supporters. Once they began taking time out to spend together, they soon learned how to nourish those very different roles in each other’s lives. Their marriage started to see the benefits almost immediately; becoming stronger and their appreciation, gratitude, and love for another growing beyond anything either of them could imagine.

“Momma?” Takota appears on the other side of the island, having to stand on his tiptoes to see over the countertop. Like his Tanner and Addie, he’s on the small side; not blessed with the tall and lanky genes that the others -including his twin sister- had been given. And like Tanner, he is soft spoken and serious; loving to spend time outdoors, yet preferring quieter pursuits. Very creative; indulging in painting and drawing and any form of craft that he can get his hands on.

She glances up from the copy of the New York Times open in front of her. “What’s up, buttercup?”

“Do you think daddy went away because he had to kill someone?”

“What?” She gives a startled chuckle. “Why would you…?”

“TJ said that daddy used to kill people. Before he became a boss. That he was a mer...mer…”

“Mercenary,” she finishes for him, then pushes the sleeves of her sweater up to her elbows and moves to the stove; stirring the contents of a simmering pot. One of Tanner’s many culinary creations; a rather creative mixture of chicken, taco seasons, and various vegetables. It’s his newfound passion; cooking and baking. And he insisted that some of that day’s lunch be left over so daddy could try it when he got home.

The little things go both ways. She’s found her own ways of spoiling him and showing her gratitude and appreciation. Today it’s a warm meal and fresh, hot coffee and the hot tub on the back deck already bubbling; relief for what she knows will be an aching and weary body.

“Is it true? That he used to kill people? When he was one of those? A mercenrie?”

“Mercenary,” she slowly repeats. “And yeah, sometimes. Sometimes he DID have to.”

“Because they were bad people?”

“Very bad people.”

“Is that why he had to go away? To kill bad people?”

“I don’t know why. I didn’t ask for details. He just had to go away for a few days.” It isn’t entirely true. He did in fact head to Laos and Cambodia to do just THAT; two high profile drug and weapons smugglers with enormous price tags on their heads and lengthy lists of enemies. But he’d also said that there was ‘more to it’; things that she didn’t need to know. Details that made HIM extremely unsettled. Something THAT bad? He preferred not to place it upon her shoulders.

“Is he going to go to hell? Because he killed people?”

“No.” She scoops some of the soup from the pot and holds it to her lips; aggressively blowing on it and then checking the temperature with the tip of her tongue before offering it to her son.

Takota eagerly accepts the ‘snack’. “Are the people he killed going to hell?”

“How about we NOT talk about this? If you want to know those kinds of things, you ask daddy. He’ll be able to answer your questions a lot better than I will.”

“I think you’re just throwing him under the bus. Setting him up for failure. We BOTH know he won’t tell me.”

“You are way too smart for five. Taste good? The soup?”

“Really good. Tanner could be a really famous chef one day, I bet. I’m gonna be a lion tamer.”

Grinning, she moves back to the island and snags her mug; heating the tea with some of the remains sitting in the pot she had made earlier. “You are, are you?”

“Daddy said I could be whatever I want to be when I grow up. And I want to be a lion tamer. And maybe a dentist.”

“Both at the same time?”

“I can’t tame lions and fix teeth at the same time. That’s just weird.”

“Mum!” Brooklyn bellows from the living room, then begins pounding her palm against the window. “That weird guy is back again!”

“He’s talking to TJ,” Addie chimes in. “I think TJ is going to tell him off. TJ doesn’t like him. He thinks the guy’s an asshole.”

“Adeline! Language!” she scolds, and then turns the burner on the stove to the nearest possible setting and heads through the kitchen and out into the living room, Takota hot on her heels.

“Why is he back?” Brooklyn unlocks the latch on the window and aggressively shoves it open. “Why are you back, weirdo?! You already shovelled the sidewalk! It hasn’t snowed enough yet! Go away! Mum…” both brows are arched as she glances over her shoulder. “...TJ is going to flip out. The weirdo is asking if you’re here. He called you pretty. I heard him! TJ is pissed!”

“Hey! Hey you!” Addie yells out the window. “My brother is going to kick your ass!”

“No one is kicking anyone’s ass,” Esme says, and shoves her feet into a pair of Crocs by the front door and snags one of the many coats from the hall closet; a snowboarding jacket that belongs to her husband and is monstrous on her tiny frame. And she barely manages to get the front door open; the three littles rushing past her and out onto the freshly shovelled porch and half completed steps.

“Why don’t you just go away!” TJ is barking at the ‘hired help’; a neighbourhood kid that she’d hired three years ago to handle the sidewalk IF Tyler was away. TJ had willingly taken on the responsibility of snow cleaning their first Christmas in Gramercy Park. Happy to be in charge of keeping the walk, stairs, and porch clean, but knowing that anything past the front gate is off limits. “You already did the sidewalk! It doesn’t need done again!”

“What’s going on?” Esme wraps an arm around her son’s shoulders and pulls him tightly into her. He’s tall for only ten; less than an inch away from squeaking past her in height. Still slim yet not as lanky and awkward looking; shoulders broader and muscles in his upper body already forming and becoming defined. A direct result of his love for sports and the kid friendly workouts in the gym that his dad let’s him partake in.

“This guy…” TJ nods in the teenager’s direction. “...wants to talk to you. He called you pretty. He asked ‘where’s your pretty little mom?'. I don’t like the way he said it. And dad wouldn’t like it either.”

“Is there a fight?” Tanner inquires, as he and Declan emerge from the side of the house; hearing the shouting from the backyard where they’d been keeping an eye on the dogs and building ‘snow fortresses’. “Who’s fighting?”

“No one is fighting,” Esme replies. “Just a misunderstanding between your brother and Jacobi. I’m sure it’s nothing, TJ. Go back to what you were doing. Daddy will be home soon. It’ll be a nice surprise for him; seeing everything shovelled off.”

“I don’t like this drongo,” TJ declares, and gestures towards the teenager with the end of the shovel. “He called you pretty. No one calls my mum pretty. Even if she is.”

“Beat him up,” Delcan suggests. “Daddy would.”

“Daddy would NOT beat someone up for no reason,” Esme informs him. “Especially not a teenager. Jacobi,” she turns to the teen in question. He’s a senior at the high school only three blocks away; a nice enough kid from an upper middle class home, constantly clad in backwards ball caps, baggy jeans, a varsity football jacket. “Now is NOT a good time. My wallet’s inside and I have no cash on me and my husband’s going to be home any second and it’s going to get really crazy around here. And loud. Very loud.”

“You don’t have to pay me until next time. I was just going to ask you if…”

TJ steps in front of Esme, forming a protective barrier between her and the unwanted visitor. “My mum’s married,” he snarls. “To my dad. Leave her alone! My dad is big and he’s strong and he can hurt people. With one hand. And if he finds out you’re mackin’ on my mom…”

“Tyler..” she places her hands on his shoulders. “...enough. No one is ‘macking’ on anyone. Jacobi is just being friendly. He shovels the sidewalk for us when dad isn’t here. And takes the garbage to the curb. He’s just trying to be friends.”

“My mom doesn’t need any more friends. Especially GUY friends. Seriously, my dad will kill you. Trying to get with my mom? Yeah, my dad will lose his shit. And you don’t want him to lose his shit. He’ll break you half. With his bare hands.”

“He’s very protective,” Esme explains to the teen, and gives an apologetic smile. “When dad leaves, he takes the role of ‘man of the house’ very seriously. You’re more than welcome to come back later; you can come in and have some hot chocolate or you can stay for dinner.”

“Oh now he’s coming to dinner?!” TJ huffs. “He just wants to try and get in your pants, mum. It’s obvious.”

“You’re ten. You don't know what's obvious when it comes to those things. You need to settle down. Jacobi is harmless. He’s just trying to be friends. Wouldn’t that be nice? To have friends here? It’s always nice to have friends.”

“I have friends back home. I don’t need them here. I got Tanny and Declan. What do I need HIM for?”

“Daddy!” Addie shrieks, as she stands on the lower rung of the wrought iron fence that borders their slice of property. One mitten clad hand wrapped around one of the posts while the other frantically waves at the yellow cab that pulls up to the curb. “Daddy! Daddy’s home!”

******

Chaos erupts; the gate being thrown open and a stampede of six human bodies and two dogs trying to steamroll their way through. The pure joy on those little faces and the excitement in their voices enough to cause a lump of emotion to settle square in his throat and tears to prick at his eyes; the latter hidden behind the lenses of his sunglasses. It had taken work to get past the feelings of inadequacy. The self hate and guilt and shame that had been telling him for years that he didn’t deserve the life he’d been given; a second chance at being a husband and father. Therapy has helped him get past that; helping him learn how to forgive himself and look at everything he DOES have instead of constantly questioning WHY he does. Now all he thinks about is how damn lucky he is; to have created seven human beings and to know how much they love him and how much they need him in their lives.

He barely gets a foot on the curb before the three littlest are on top of him. Shrieking and squealing with happiness and grabbing at the legs of his jeans; all three chattering at once, anxious for his undivided attention and begging to be picked up. He opts to dropping to one knee; not caring about the snow and the slush that soaks his leg or dirties the fabric. All that matters is those kids; three sets of arms wrapping tightly around his neck and those and those tiny voices giggling and happily screeching in his ears. And he gives each one the same attention; laying on the back of their heads and pressing kisses to their lips and cheeks.

“Daddy!” Addie climbs onto his thigh and squeezes his neck even tighter. “I missed you! I missed you so much!”

“I missed you too, Peanut. Every second of every day. I missed ALL of you.”

“But me the most, right? You missed me more than anyone, right?”

“ALL of you. I don’t have favourites.”

“Yes, you do. I know it’s me, daddy. Everyone knows it’s me.”

“Maybe I’ve got a little soft spot for you. But you know who my absolute favourite is? My most favourite human in the whole world?”

“Mummy.”

“Exactly.” He gives her a final squeeze and peck on the cheek, gently sliding her off of his thigh and then standing; wincing at the discomfort in his right knee and the tightness in his shoulder when he slings his piece of luggage -a simple backpack often used during hiking and camping excursions with the family- up onto it. “Hey little red,” he greets Declan, and affectionately ruffles both the winter hat and the shock of red hair underneath. “What happened? Grow another foot while I’m gone? You look taller.”

“I’m going to be a giant like you, dad,” Declan declares, then stands on his tiptoes with his lips pursed for a kiss. “Mum says I might even be BIGGER than you.”

“Guess I better watch my step, huh? Treat her right? Or you’ll be kicking my ass when you’re older. What about guys?” He addresses the oldest twins, clapping a hand on the back on the back of TJ’s neck and pressing a kiss on his cheek.

Tanner...and his needs...are different. He’s the more sensitive of the two; so much like his mother when it comes to a near constant need to show and receive affection. And since his Autism diagnosis almost five years ago -high functioning, as the developmental pediatrician had called it, a term that Tyler finds gets under his skin and leaves a foul taste in his mouth- they’ve all learned just WHAT Tanner needs. Whether it be ‘sensory breaks’ when feeling overwhelmed or anxious or more one on one interaction. Today it’s deep pressure. Tyler feels his son’s need for it the second Tanner’s arms wrap around his waist. He’s struggling emotionally; likely missing him the most out of all the kids and having a hard time adjusting to being away from home and not having his usual routine. It’s been difficult to adjust to; trying to find that balance between giving Tanner what he so desperately needs and craves yet not alienating or neglecting the needs of the others.

“Hey, mate.” He presses a kiss to Tanner’s temple, then wraps both arms around his petite frame. Knowing the exact amount of pressure he needs to put into the embrace. It will last longer than what he’d shared with the others. Long ago getting used to Tanner’s ‘signs’; knowing it’s better for his son’s mental state if he allows Tanner to be the one to break contact.

The ten year old’s demeanour begins to change almost instantly; tension releasing from his body and his heart rate slowing down and the head to toe tremors disappearing. And he holds on until Tanner is good and ready to pull away, then places his hands on his son’s shoulders and crouches down to make them eye level. Smiling when his sunglasses are gently and carefully pulled off his face. That contact again; Tanner needing to be able to read the emotions and even the thoughts that he always says is ‘written in daddy’s eyes’.

“You good?”

Finally a smile. One that crinkles the corners of his eyes and creases the bridge of his nose. “I’m good, dad.”

“Good,” he leans in and presses a kiss to Tanner’s lips. “Miss me?”

The ten year old nods.

“How much?”

“Lots.”

“Just lots?”

The smile broadens. “Tons.”

“I knew it. I missed you too. Tons. I brought you something. From Vietnam. Remember how when I told you where I was going, you did all that research? Especially about the animals? What was your favorite one?”

“The sun bear.”

“Look what I found.” Reaching into the pocket of his navy wool pea coat, he pulls out a small porcelain statue of a sun bear. It had taken him two hours of scouring various markets near his hotel and in surrounding areas, but he’d managed to find one. Tanner’s obsession with studying countries and their native wildlife is no secret; postcards and other trinkets constantly pouring in from Koen and Rata and some of the other guys on staff.

Tanner’s eyes widen, and he gingerly “Just for me?”

“Just for you. I told you I’d do my best to find you something. You can add that to your collection.”

“Mum!” He excitedly turns to Esme as she joins them, cradling his gift in both palms. “Look what daddy found! Look what he got me!”

“That’s awesome nugget. Daddy never disappoints, does he.”

“Never. Thank you, daddy,” Tanner curls his arms around Tyler’s neck and presses a kiss to his cheek. “I missed you. I love you.”

“I missed you too, mate. And I love you,” he places his lips against his son’s temple. “So much.”

“Why don’t you go put that inside,” Esme suggests. “In your room. So it doesn’t get broken. You can come back out to play if you want. If not, dry socks please. Your feet are probably soaked.”

“And put my boots on the mat by the door and all wet stuff in the sink in the laundry room.”

“You got it.” She playfully tugs on the braided ties dangling from his head, then taps a fingertip against the end of the nose before he rushes off. “Hey, handsome,” she greets Tyler with a brilliant smile; one that’s a testament to immense relief his return brings. “Long time no see. Already upping your ‘best daddy in the world’ game, huh?”

“Couldn’t let him down, could I?”

“You never do. How was your flight?”

“It was alright.” He shrugs his bag further up onto his shoulders and reaches up to cup the back of her head in his palm, other hand falling on the small of her back and pulling her tightly into him. Despite the enormous difference in both weight and height, their bodies have always felt perfect together; easily and effortlessly melding into one another. He’d felt it that first day; 13 years ago in that rundown hotel room in Dhaka. She had felt amazing; soft skin and curves in all the right places, body warm and responding so eagerly and willingly to his. Everything it...about her...had felt good. It had felt right. And still does.

“I missed you.” Esme says, and perches herself on her tiptoes; the soles and heels of her bare feet lifting out her Crocs as she curls her arms around his neck.

“I missed you too. You have no idea how much.”

They both feel the stress and the worry immediately lift; her body leaning into his and her eyes closing, his hand gently pressing her head into his chest, his forearm sliding just under her ass. For minutes they stand in silence simply embracing one another and enjoying the reunion; snowflakes gathering in their hair and on the shoulders of their jackets. And when she eventually pulls away, he leans down to kiss her; long and soft and slow, palm moving from the back of her head to her cheek.

Tyler glances down, a grin playing on his lips. “What’s up with that outfit?”

“It’s a long story.” She reaches up to trace her fingertips over a handful of fresh scratches and gouges mar his face and forehead. “What’s up with these?”

“Those are also a long story. We’re missing one. There’s only six spawn. What happened? Finally have enough? Is she buried in the backyard?”

“I did FINALLY crack but she’s very much alive. She went to Alannah’s last night; for a sleepover. Alannah’s mom took them out today; for lunch and a movie and to do some Christmas shopping.” Alannah is one of the many friends Millie has managed to make during their trips to New York City; the daughter of a Korean diplomat and a former Rockette.

“She’s been THAT bad?”

“Let’s put it this way; she’s lucky she’s still breathing and I’m lucky I'm still sober.”

“Yikes. Not what I wanted to hear. Guess we’ll be talking about that later.”

“It can wait. No rush. She’ll be home for dinner. I’m sure she’ll still be in a mood.”

“I’ll handle it if she is.”

“And then I’ll get blamed for turning daddy against her.”

“Well, she’s got to learn. No one disrespects my wife. Not someone we know, not a complete stranger, not my own kids.”

“Always the protective husband. You hungry?”

“I could eat.”

“Tanner made some amazing soup yesterday and he insisted we save you some. And there’s fresh coffee AND the hot tub is already.”

“Best wife EVER.”

“I try. To keep my man happy.”

Smiling, he smoothes her hair away from her hair and loops errant strands behind her ears. “You do a very good job at that. And later, I’ll make YOU very happy.”

Esme grins. “Is that a promise?”

“That’s a promise.” He kisses her once more; her face cradled in both hands and her body more melting into his his.

Her smile is softer; eyes sparkling with a mixture of relief and happiness. And love. There’s always love there. And he's certain there always will be.

“I missed you,” he says yet again, and leans down to place a kiss on her temple and nuzzles the tip of his nose against her ear.

Pulling back to look at him, her hand once more moves to his face. Knuckles skimming along his jaw before her palm cups his cheek, her eyes never leaving his as two of her fingertips glide over his lips. She allows the the bottom of his chin to rest in the curve between thumb and forefinger, then softly and briefly brushes her mouth against his

“Welcome home, baby,” she whispers against his lips, then takes his hand in hers and leads the way inside.

[sammysdewysensitiveeyes]

Ranking Brotherhood of Evil Mutant members (including all interations) from your, most to least favorite and please expound why. I do like asking for opinions.

Hmmm....there have been several iterations of the Brotherhood, and I’m not very familiar with some of the later versions, so I’m just gonna go with the earlier versions that I know.  Bear in mind, this is entirely subjective, and I like most of these characters, so a character being lower down doesn’t mean I hate them.  Going from favorite to least favorite:  

Pyro:

Anyone following this blog has probably noticed I love this dude.  I’m not exactly subtle about it.  I think he’s interesting and fun, as villains go.  He’s snarky and cocky, and actually rather friendly when he’s not trying to kill you - very Affable Evil.  He’s not necessarily a very good person - he’s self-interested, and can be rather vicious, but he’s a character that I thought could potentially come over to the good side.  He seemed, at times, to get into the whole “Freedom Force” thing, and clearly enjoyed saving people alongside Longshot.  He seems to bond a great deal with his team-mates - Mystique, Avalanche, even Stonewall (although he was a dick to him and Commando when they first joined).  He even pals around with Blob, even though he also snarks at him sometimes.  In AOA, Pyro was the only one helping and being protective of Phantazia.  And now in Marauders he refers to them as his “friends,” and is perfectly happy traveling around with people that used to kick his ass, even appearing impressed with them (especially Storm), and being a surprisingly good team player.  I don’t think Pyro would necessarily become a good guy for altruistic purposes, but I think he enjoys having “adventures” and getting attention and hanging out with his team-mates.  I think if Pyro was on an X-Team, and was made to feel welcome, he’d probably be content to fight alongside them and follow the rules (which is basically what he’s doing right now with the Marauders), and maybe some of his team-mates’ virtues would rub off on him a bit.  (There was apparently a version of X-Factor pitched to Marvel years ago that included Pyro on the team, and I’m disappointed that never happened, although I loved the X-Factor that we got.)  And of course, there was also Pyro’s somewhat redemptive death, where he came to regret his past actions with the Brotherhood and wound up sacrificing his life to save Senator Kelly (fat lot of good it did, since Kelly got assassinated shortly after, but hey, he tried!) 

Along with all of that, I am also really intrigued by Pyro’s back story of being a romance author and journalist.  There’s the whole dichotomy of a guy who callously burns people to death and also writes gothic romance novels in his spare time.  And honestly, it sounds like he’s lived a really interesting life before the Brotherhood - traveling all around South East Asia, working as a journalist covering Indonesia and Vietnam (I’d assume he speaks at least a little bit of Indonesian and Vietnamese to be able to live there and cover news).  His motives for joining the Brotherhood have never been established, and I’m dying to know more about how he met Mystique, and why he decided to leave what was apparently a successful career and probably fairly comfortable life to go be an international terrorist.  Was it money?  A promise of adventure?  Did he really believe in Magneto’s cause?  Was he already getting into criminal activity before he joined the Brotherhood?  There’s a lot of potential for development there, but unfortunately most writers (except Claremont) tend to completely ignore all of Pyro’s backstory.  I’m still hoping that Duggan at least makes some reference to it, even just a throwaway comment about how Pyro used to write novels.

TL,DR: I like Pyro because he’s fun and clever, he makes friends with his team-mates, and he’s a writer. 

Toad:

Toad is a really intriguing character, but mostly I like him because he’s actually got a lot of potential, but he’s had a shit life and can never seem to catch a break.  In the earliest issues, he was just Magneto’s abused lackey, and appeared quite sniveling and pathetic, but later on it was revealed that he’s actually quite intelligent (and good with machines), he just appeared “stupid” due to all the abuse he suffered during childhood.  Toad also has a lot of interesting powers - writers seem to give him a new one every other appearance.  His stamina, agility, and super-strong legs could actually make him a pretty good fighter if he got proper training.  Plus he’s got the prehensile tongue, pheromone secretion, acidic saliva, secretion of a paralytic resin, mind control over frogs - his Marvel bio is a long, long list of secondary powers.  Toad could be quite formidable if he actually got his shit together, and there are AU’s (like House of M and Age of Apocalypse) where we see a much more stable, competent, intelligent Toad who is living up to his potential.  But 616 Toad remains a joke,  He’s either a low-level bad guy (they tried to level him up in the 90′s by making him the leader of the Brotherhood, but it didn’t last) or a pathetic sad-sack used for humor, or both.  His attempt to “join” the X-Men led to him being the janitor and basically getting treated like shit (he literally had no bed?) then getting kicked out when he follow Husk to the Hellfire Academy, even though he did that largely out of concern for Husk, and actually helped her and Quentin escape.

Basically, Toad has been subjected to horrible abuse pretty much his entire life, he has a mutation that makes him appear “ugly”, and everyone treats him with, at best, pity, and at worst, hatred and disgust.  I’ll admit, he’s had a few chances to better his life that have fallen through because of his own bad choices (and he’s done some horrible things, especially when he was leading the Brotherhood in the 90′s), but most of the time he’s just getting continuously kicked while he’s down.  To a certain extent, it’s really a matter of comic writers not being willing to take Toad seriously - he’s considered a joke villain, and therefore gets written that way, because he’s there as an accessory in someone else’s story.  At least the Toad/Husk storyline seemed to focus some on Toad himself as a character, even if it ended badly for him.  Sometimes, I kinda think Toad is written as evil or pathetic so that writers can justify other characters being shitty towards him.  Like, Magneto’s early treatment of Toad was absolutely, inexcusably horrible.  Magneto treated everyone in the Brotherhood badly, including his own children, but it seemed like Toad caught the worst of it.  Pietro and Wanda were also disgusted by Toad, although they had good reason, since his affection towards Wanda was pretty creepy.  Later on, Magneto was revamped into more of a noble, morally grey character, and his past abuse of Toad was mostly forgotten.  I don’t think the writers are necessarily doing this on purpose, but it kind feels like Toad remaining a pathetic bad guy was partially a way to excuse Magneto’s poor treatment of him, since Magneto was being reinvented as a more likable character.  And not just Magneto, but just about everyone who finds Toad disgusting or cracks jokes about how gross he is – it’s okay, Toad is awful so it’s totally fine to have the physically attractive good guys mock him and treat him like garbage.  (Hell, the artists can’t even decide what Toad’s physical appearance should be.  Is he skinny?  Fat?  Does he have green skin?  Is his nose ridiculously long or closer to normal?  Who knows what we’ll get in each issue.  And God forbid he be drawn without his tongue lolling out of his mouth.)

Also, I think that a lot of Toad’s worst personality flaws are at least partially due to the abuse he suffered.  To be clear, I’m not justifying the things that Toad has done. He set up death traps for people who wronged him, murdered Sauron’s girlfriend, and stalked and attacked Wanda multiple times.  That’s pretty shitty of him!  But I also think the abuse had a huge effect on Toad and how he interacts with people. Like, his tendency to obsessively latch onto people, and act like a sniveling lackey – the dude has had pretty much no love his entire life, and he’s always been treated like garbage.  Of course he has no self-esteem, of course he’ll fawn over anyone that shows him affection.  He’s been raised to believe that he is garbage.  Even his tendency to gloat over others being punished, and his whole “I’ll tell Magneto, and you’ll get in trouble!” thing is an understandable survival mechanism – other people getting in trouble means that he’s not the target, for once.  Obviously I can’t condone Toad trying to murder people that wronged him, but his anger and resentment is also understandable after the poor treatment he’s suffered.  In fact, I think it’s actually healthier for him to be angry than to think that he deserves it.  And a lot of the shitty things he did as Brotherhood leader also felt like him desperately wanting to be taken seriously, to be respected – also not a bad thing to want, even if his actions were terrible.  Basically, Toad has a lot of personality flaws, and he’s also had a lot of experiences that created or exacerbated those personality flaws.  The guy needs serious, long-term therapy, and I think he could become a better (or at least more competent) person if he got the help that he so obviously needs.

TL, DR: Basically, Toad deserves better.

Avalanche:

I have to admit, a lot of my love for Avalanche is all about his relationship with Pyro, be it friendship or something more.  (It’s something more in my headcanons, I will forever ship them.)  But he’s also a character that we don’t know much about, in part because he tends to talk a lot less than a certain chatty Australian.  He seems, more than anything, to be a practical-minded punch-clock villain, who is mostly in it for the money.  He doesn’t seem to enjoy putting on a show and reveling in his powers like Pyro, and he doesn’t seem to have the same mean streak that can be seen in Blob (and Pyro, to be fair).  I’m sure there are probably instances of Avalanche being dickish and cruel, but in a lot of his appearances that I’ve read, he seems very practical.  Do the job, get paid.  He also seems fairly content to be a follower or a lackey – happy to take orders from Mystique, or even follow Pyro’s lead when Mystique isn’t around.  That doesn’t mean he doesn’t have his own ideas or opinions, but he doesn’t particularly feel the need to be a leader.  Like Pyro, we also don’t know much about his past before the Brotherhood, except that he was married at some point.  Where’s his wife now?  Why didn’t it work out?  Was it because of him being a mutant, or was it his activities with the Brotherhood that drove them apart?  Does he still love her?  Why did he join the Brotherhood in the first place?  

Avalanche also seems to care somewhat about his team-mates, although he’s not as openly friendly as Pyro.  During Freedom Force’s disastrous last mission, he made the difficult call to abandon Pyro and Blob to save Commando, something that he was clearly broken up about.  And of course, he was willing to go on a mission in the Savage Land with Pyro to get a Legacy Virus cure (that unfortunately didn’t actual exist).  Avalanche is selective about who he cares about, but he still shows that he cares through his actions.  I don’t want to make this all about Pyro, but I really love their relationship.  The stoic, quiet guy/chatty energetic guy dynamic is great.  They just love being bros and committing crimes together, and they are quick to work together and back each other up, even in their earliest appearances.  I would totally read a min-series focusing on the early days of Mystique’s brotherhood, especially if it gave us some good Avalanche, Pyro and Blob development, and didn’t just center around Rogue and Mystique (both fantastic characters, but they’ve both got a lot of attention directed at them already.)

Also, Avalanche likes to garden, which is nice. And at one point he just got fed-up with everything and tried to retire and become a bartender, which is very relatable.  Unfortunately Red Skull murdered him after that.  Sorry, Avalanche.  I hope you are resurrected on Krakoa, living your best life.

Blob:

Another character who is often not taken seriously. Blob is mean-spirited, crass, and often self-interested, much like the rest of the Brotherhood members.  He also was extremely close to Unus, and clearly devastated when Unus’s powers went out of control and killed him.  Blob is one of those characters where I think his physical appearance has led to him being designated as a bad guy by the writers – he’s big and gross, so, just like Toad, he’ll be portrayed as a bad person in order to justify the good guys being terrible to him.  (Yes, I know there are “ugly” good guys, but let’s face it, they are rare.  Most of the good guys look like models.)  Blob also, like Toad, gets a lot of crap for his physical appearance, something that is literally part of his mutation.  I think some of Blob’s nastiness is definitely a defense mechanism, lashing out at others because he is used to being attacked.  It also seems like Blob is really lacking in close friendships, like what Mystique and Destiny or Pyro and Avalanche have (“friendship”).  He was really the odd man out in Mystique’s brotherhood.  He’s willing to pal around with various Brotherhood members, including Avalanche and Pyro when they’re not picking fights with each other, but he doesn’t seem to have a best buddy after Unus’s death.  I kind of admire Blob’s toughness.  It would be easy for him to completely lose his self-esteem, like Toad, but he stands up for himself and never grovels to others.  He is frequently insulted for his mutation, but he also seems comfortable in his own skin, which is good.  He shouldn’t have to feel bad about his own body.    

There was an AU story that showed a softer, more thoughtful Blob who wound up in a relationship with Psylocke, so we know he’s capable of showing a better side of himself.  To some extent, I like Blob’s crass, take-no-shit personatliy, but I’d also like to see writers give him more depth.  I’d especially like to see him reunite with Unus on Krakoa, and the two of them hanging out enjoying each other’s company.  I’m also enjoying the cameos we get of bartender Blob on Krakoa, I hope he is also living his best life.  

Phantazia:

Honestly, I mostly just want to know more about her. All we really know is that she has a PhD (in some kind of scientific field, I think….she is reading a book on astrophysics in one comic), and she was willing to join Toad’s Brotherhood (and she was also the only Brotherhood member that received an invitation from Exodus to Asteroid M). Why?  What was her life before that?  Who knows? Most of the time, she seems rather cold, and a bit distant from her team-mates (but I can’t entirely blame her, the Brotherhood is a rough crowd.  It’s hard to be the new team-mate, and probably especially hard to be the only woman.)  She did seem concerned about Pyro when he was suffering from the Legacy Virus, but she kind of dropped out of sight when the Brotherhood disbanded.   She seems like she was mostly in it for personal gain, especially since Toad’s Brotherhood was more about petty crime than mutant rights.  Apparently she was deeply affected by Wanda’s reality alterations, which took a toll on her mental health, and was last seen in a SHIELD holding cell.  I hope she pops up again on Krakoa.  

Rogue:

The only reason Rogue is so low on the list is that I sometimes forget she was ever a Brotherhood member, and because I like to focus more on lesser known characters.  But I really like Rogue!  She’s tough but sweet, and an incredible badass.  Leaving the Brotherhood for the X-Men meant walking away from her team and foster-mother(s), but she still did it, and became one of the X-Men’s most dependable and valued members.  I love Rogue’s past, her relationship with Mystique, her relationship with Gambit.  I love how she doesn’t take shit, but she also doesn’t go around acting like a jerk, like some of the “tough” characters.  (Wolverine, basically.)  I like the complexity of her struggles with her powers, and her knowing that her strongest abilities, like strength and flight, were basically “stolen” from someone else. I feel like I should say more, but Rogue is very popular and has had loads written about her already.  Rogue is cool, and she deserves the best!  

Mystique:

A truly fascinating character.  She’s also lower on the list because she is fairly well-known and popular, and also because she can absolutely be a manipulative piece of shit, willing to throw everyone except Destiny under the bus.  Yet, at the same time, we see her appear to genuinely care about people, like Rogue, Nightcrawler (after the unfortunate “toss baby off a cliff” incident), Destiny, even Pyro occasionally (she has a nice moment with him on Muir Island, and also calls him “friend” in X-Factor).  She’s a character who can never be entirely trusted, which is a large part of what makes her interesting.  I think she truly does care about a few, select people.  Hell, there’s an early issue in which Mystique fights a bunch of robots programmed to look and act like the X-Men (courtesy of Arcade), and she completely breaks down after having to “kill” the Rogue robot, then hesitates to attack the Nightcrawler bot.  I think Mystique can also be extremely callous, cold and manipulative, but I don’t think she is completely evil, just very self-interested, like a lot of villains. Also, she’s probably seen and experienced a lot of shit over her long life that contributed to that callousness (I figure if I’m gonna cut Toad and Blob some slack, I should do the same for Mystique.)  I do wish she would stop committing rape by deception in stories (meaning sleeping with someone while disguised as someone else).  It’s something that gets glossed over, even though fandom generally despises rapist male villains (and rightfully so), but Mystique pretending to be Blink and sleeping with Mimic is barely a story blip.  

Mystique is also interesting just because she’s such a badass.  She’s cunning, a good leader, a good strategist, excellent spy, good at hand-to-hand combat (she only loses to Arcade’s X-Men robots because she hesitates). She is damn formidable!  She’s also lived a varied and interesting life. There’s a reason she’s gotten so much exposure in comics.  I can also understand her being short-tempered while leading the Brotherhood, as she has to deal with the three stooges of Pyro, Avalanche and Blob.  Then things get even more complicated during the Freedom Force days.  Mystique has a lot of shit to deal with keeping those idiots in line.  Her relationship with Destiny is probably my favorite thing about Mystique, they are beautiful wives, and I hope she gets Destiny resurrected so the two of them can live happily together on Krakoa.  (Unlikely.)  

Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch:

I don’t have much to say about these two, even though I like them. I’m starting to run out of steam in terms of character analysis, and I tend to think of them more as Avengers than Brotherhood members.  They both deserve better.  Also, they are mutants and Magneto is their dad. Retcon?  What retcon?

Destiny:

I don’t have much to say about Destiny because she is very mysterious – always working according to some plan that only she knows. So it’s hard to really know her as a character.  She seems like a very intelligent and calm woman.  She’s always chilling while the Brotherhood guys are freaking out or picking fights with each other.  She also faced her own death bravely and willingly.  She seems to have a good sense of humor.  One of my favorite stories is Mystique disposing of Destiny’s ashes after her death.  She is throwing them off a boat at a specific time and place, according to Destiny’s instructions – and the wind blows them back into her face.  Obviously Destiny planned it as a last prank, and I have to like a character who sets that up.  Also, one time she let a rock wall collapse on Avalanche and Spiral because she knew they wouldn’t be seriously hurt, and she hated Spiral and wanted to enjoy her humiliation.  That’s some impressive pettiness.  Destiny is cool, and I hope she comes back.

Sauron:

I don’t really care about him at all.  

Mastermind:

Seems like a real creep, especially with his manipulation of Jean Grey/Phoenix in the Dark Phoenix saga.  At least he apologized to her at his death.  Also, he’s got three daughters, the dude gets around. Regan, Martinique, and Pixie (WTF?! I just read that in his bio.)  I am really confused by there being two Mastermind daughters with the same powers, but apparently it was actually a mix-up between two writers.  Oops!  

That’s all.  I know there have been later Brotherhood iterations with other members, including one or both Lady Masterminds, but that was during a time when I wasn’t reading much X-Men, so I’m not familiar with most of those characters. I might have more to say if I eventually read some of the later Brotherhood stories.  

[fermented-writers-block]

With the recent developments in Mr. Universe and Fragments, I couldn’t help but be reminded of an old thought I came up with several months ago, back when the fandom thought that Steven’s pink mode was simply a heightened emotional state of some kind, and even though we know now that it actually is a stress response reaction, I can’t help but think it might still be applicable here to Steven’s current situation.

TLDR: Over the course of the series, Steven’s views of his mother had fallen and continued to fall very far away from its original pedestal due to the sheer barrage of harsh realities and troubling secrets constantly being upended and revealed, and the shifts in how he has felt about his mother’s legacy seems to tell a very interesting story. One of a long, rocky uphill battle against a mountain of expectations, and a sudden, sharp plunge into a ravine of self-loathing before finding one’s way out of the darkness.

When the original series first started, he looked up to Rose Quartz the protector of Earth, seeing her as the always kindhearted and perfect person whose legacy he felt like he had to live up to. He tried so very hard to be more loving and thoughtful like Greg and the Gems had told him Rose had been like thus far into the show - like he felt they expected him to be if he wanted to stay useful and thus someone they would actually keep around like In Dreams suggests - and he struggled with his constant failures to match up with such an impossible image, potentially even as early into the show as Laser Light Cannon with his desperate pleading for the titular weapon to work.

In the middle of the original series, as he heard more intimate stories about what Rose was really like in person from his family, found out about Bismuth’s bubbling, and had to be told by a stranger that his mother, someone he had been led to believe had always promoted peace, apparently shattered someone, his image of Rose the flawless hero turned into that of Rose the liar with an unknowable amount of secrets that hurt his family immensely. 

He struggled with the question of whether Rose had made him for some untold grand plan, and he felt like he had to take care of the messes that she left behind, putting such a burdensome expectation on himself even though the Gems no longer expected him to be more like his mother. This culminated in I Am My Mom with his attempt to save his family from harm by resigning himself to sacrificing himself and atoning for his mother’s sins.

For the end of the original series, Pearl’s revelation that Rose Quartz and Pink Diamond were the same person the entire time finally gave Steven a fuller picture of Rose the person, someone who was flawed and still had positive qualities, someone who tried very hard to become a better person. He felt like he had really found his space with the Crystal Gems, and they expected him to be himself.

And yet, with the strange and inexplicable glimpses of Pink Diamond’s memories as well as White Diamond's existential questions either inspiring or bringing such a thought to the front of his mind, Steven struggled with the fear that his mother was still alive somewhere deep within his consciousness, and that ‘Steven’ the person had just been a lie the entire time. 

Post CYM and another of his mother’s secrets coming back to haunt him with Spinel, Steven had stopped worrying about who he isn’t. He now knows for certain that he’s not his mother, that she isn’t living in some dormant part of his gem ready to take back control.

But after years of trying to live up to the ideal of Rose the protector, fixing the mistakes of Rose the liar, and doing better than Rose the person with the way he pushed himself to help others, he now worries about - if there’s no one else left to help but himself - who and what Steven Universe is like if he isn’t his mother.

We’ve seen him struggle to deal with this identity crisis in Little Homeschool and Little Graduation, pushing himself to solve problems that he either couldn’t find a working solution towards or likely projected onto others out of desperation from his anxieties over being left behind. 

He expects himself to already do better, already help better, already be better than all of this. His approach of putting other’s problems above his own has worked before, so he shouldn’t be failing if he’s still doing the same thing he’s done before, but with every inevitable misstep and every doubling down on trying to be more like he expects himself to be and failure, the more those expectations feel impossible to ever actually meet.

I’ve been a longtime follower of the Worm Theory ever since @novantinuum made the first post that really kicked things off for it, and soon after Volleyball aired, a thought had occurred to me in light of Steven’s attempt at managing Amethyst’s program.

With Steven’s expression from his cracked reflection at the Reef, I couldn’t help but wonder if Steven might develop the fear that - while he isn’t his mother - he might just be becoming like his mother, and especially in regards to her flaws and repeating her mistakes. 

Let me be clear, I didn’t and still don’t think that the stress from such a fear would be even remotely close to being a major instigator for Steven to become the creature from the intro from his pink mode stress response, but with these newest episodes - particularly the ending to Fragments - it has felt like all of this had come to a head for Steven, and that we’ll soon see one of the actual instigating fears for his transformation in the finale.

In the promo, Steven looks like he’s trying to assure himself that he isn’t a shatterer, trying to reaffirm what he knows about himself in the wake of his accident with Jasper, but with the shot of him clearly leaving Jasper and the Gems behind, I feel that Steven may be struggling with the fear that he’s become like his mother there.

Or rather, the (apparent) reality that he’s become “WORSE” than her.

Even with all the horrible secrets she kept, Rose Quartz and Pink Diamond had never shattered anyone, and yet here Steven is, having done exactly that.

Never mind the fact that it was an accident, never mind that he is still the same kind and loving person at heart, never mind that he deeply regrets what he did, Steven’s sense of identity has been crumbling for a good while now with losing what he defined his life by in his ability to help people, and the fact that he had shattered someone and that said someone immediately acknowledged him as their Diamond could disintegrate nearly all of what sense of identity he has left.

These last few episodes, Steven’s mental health has been on a nasty decline in struggling with feeling like he either can’t rely on his support structure in Greg and the Gems for advice with his problems or that his support structures in Connie and his friends are drifting away, and because of this and how he might feel about himself after what happened with Jasper, the only place he may feel like he should be is on Homeworld.

Steven has put so much weight on himself to be a good person, to be better than his mother and all the horrible things she did, that this might just feel like a confirmation that he isn’t a good person, that even Rose was a better person than him despite the stuff she failed spectacularly at. There’s no more expectations to live up to on top of him, only what he really is now.

He had abandoned his human side in Mr. Universe, and now all that’s left is his gem side - that is, his Diamond side.

Or at least, that’s how it’d likely seem to him. 

It’d feel like the only point of support and belonging he has left is with the other Diamonds, as the one thing Rose wasn’t and tried desperately not to be in the end was a Diamond herself, and he may feel like he should just embrace his place since he’s “just as bad as them.”

Not only that, but he also tried to emulate Jasper’s mentality, coping methods, and appearance in his struggle to find some kind of ‘solution’ for his ‘diamond powers,’ and as such, there’s one final place where he might just be able to get a ‘solution’ - even though there’s no such thing as a full on solution for dealing with trauma.

With that said, while they most likely won’t initially understand or be that concerned with Steven giving up on his humanity to be with them, I can’t help but feel like the Diamonds have changed enough that seeing Steven act “like a Diamond is supposed to” would shake them HARD.

Acting that way had been what hurt themselves and each other for millennia, and they’ve been able to feel happier and create a relatively healthier dynamic between the three of them under Steven’s guidance, so to see Steven turn his back on all of that could make them VERY concerned for him. 

It’d put up an unsettlingly ugly mirror in front of the Diamonds to the people they used to be, and that for as much as they may have wanted Steven to be with them, this isn’t what they had in mind at all.

Perhaps that might end in an ironic reversal of what happened at the end of CYM, where instead of denying Steven as individual from his mother and trying to force him to be his mother out of a callous and arrogant kind of love, White acts out of a fuller love and genuine concern for Steven, and in the heat of the moment, accidentally slips back into some old behavior.

“I only want you to be yourself! If you can't do that, I'll do it! For! You!”

But whatever their response may actually be, this could very well be the second to last major tipping point for Steven at the very least, as at that point, EVERY person and place he thought he could turn to for advice or just finally belong to would likely either feel to him like they let him down or that they’re scared of what he feels he’s become.

Not even the Diamonds themselves feel like he belongs with them, and with how he felt like Connie had flat out refused to marry him instead of leaving an opening for them to talk about it later, I can easily see him extrapolating from the Diamonds’ reactions that he’s become not only worse than his mother, but ALL of the Diamonds.

Of course, the stress and anguish from this fear of himself and what he’s become most probably wouldn’t be the key factor behind him turning into the worm creature, just one of several major stresses that would likely influence such a transformation. 

Like @faelapis has discussed, most of the other contributing stresses had already been unbalancing Steven for a long time towards this direction in his tightrope act, and this kind of recent fear would merely be the final gust of wind to finally push Steven off. 

As for how Steven could potentially be brought from the brink of this particular fear (since I’m withholding speculation on what the exact other stresses could be until we get there), I can see one way that could help Steven with this and his struggle with holding himself to the standard of always being able to help others.

Mainly, with a potential mixture of something clicking for him to help him fully understand his mother’s choices and the self-loathing that seems to have been behind so much of said choices, and for something to help him with feeling like he’s supposed to always be a hero and fixing things, instead changing it to feeling like he’s a person for whom it’s completely okay to make a mistake, like it’s okay for him to not live up to an impossible ideal.

Like he is a human with both the bad and the good that comes with it. 

That just because he has the power to change doesn’t mean that he should pressure himself to never screw up badly even by accident, and that just because he’s capable of screwing up badly even by accident doesn’t mean that he is incapable of learning, growing, and improving afterwards. 

Whether this is accomplished through a combination of Greg and the Gems acknowledging how, even though they love him, they’ve messed up badly while raising him, Connie relating to his struggle to push himself to be better with her studies as well as the shared experiences they’ve been through, and some help from all the other countless people he’s helped over the years, I can’t claim to know.

But even though it can feel hard to do, even though it feels like you’ll never be able to pull yourself out of the dark, even though it may feel like you just keep failing over and over and over again, you can still always pick yourself up and change for the better.

[myrecovery18]

A year in Recovery

After a year in recovery from restricting there are things that I noticed I did before that I no longer or rarely do or that I’m able to eat now. Plus a little tips on what helped me recovery and stick with it. 

TW: MENTIONS OF RESTRICTING, ANAMIA, BIRTHCONTROL,  RECOVERY, TO THE BONE, TRAINING, LEARNING TO LOVE YOURSELF, SELF RECOVERY TIPS, & LITTLE HEALTH RANT IN THE MIDDLE.

I’m aware I can’t count calories anymore because I mentally will go under 1,500 calories without fail. 

When I use to eat I use to watch an edit of “To the Bone” religiously, I only watch it now when I want to. I don’t want to watch it when I eat. 

I use to sit in class and save food recipes or pictures of food to a Pinterest board instead of paying attention because I got bored and was thinking about food

I use to workout for an hour and a half in the morning and would get pissed if I couldn’t. I quit working out for a year until I was able to and injured my knee only to restart this year because working out is the one thing I know that helps relieve stress. Instead of focusing on working out as a form of losing weight, I focus on it now as a hobby, if I don’t do it one day that’s fine. I don’t get upset at myself. That took awhile to build that mentality especially coming from a 10 yr athletic background with a physical sport that required you to train 3 hours a day like volleyball. 

I used to eat and feel panicked about being watched by others; rarely do I think about that now. I can’t give you advice on how to stop that mentality.

I avoided eating Garlic bread for six years, it was apart of my fear foods. I nearly cried when I ate it for the first time this year and didn’t feel an ounce of anxiety. It still scares me the idea of eating it, but physically eating it doesn’t bring me anxiety. 

There are days where I eat one meal and I don’t blame myself, but I do let others know that I forgot to eat because my hungry cues didn’t signal that I was in fact hungry and needed to feed myself. 

While in recovery, I’ve come to realize that when I miss a meal, my body will pick up either the next day or two days later and tell me it’s hungry. I don’t force myself to eat if I’m not hunger. 

I use to cook myself every meal so I knew what was going into it or I monitored what my family was putting into the food. I don’t do that now or I use to make my own plate and make it smaller than I needed it to be. I allow for them to cook my food and plate it if they want to. 

I use to have bad mood swings; I rarely do. 

I use to drink coffee because I knew it is a natural laxative for me when I was having a bad day; I don’t drink it anymore for that reason. I drink it because I like the taste and enjoy coffee. The upset stomach is a negative now.  

Being told to lose weight by doctors or family members or that I was getting bigger would trigger me but now I don’t bother to acknowledge it since I know most doctors don’t acknowledge the pills I’ve been on caused the weight gain. The only doctor I’ve accepted the weight loss advice was my neurologist because I went through all the test and they came back normal, so I know I suffer from migraines naturally.

Birth Control Pills: I’m not a fan of them and refuse to be placed back on them despite the other ladies I go to pushing it on me to regulate my abnormal bleeding I recently had. Despite the fact I told her it was caused by the other Gyno’s failure to notice that it counteracts with my migraine medicines and caused the bleeding to extend by putting me on the birthcontrol pill I didn’t want (Side Note: I have iron deficiency anemia that no one can really fix because my panels come back with a weird combination so due to the gynos mistake it kicked in and I had to take my iron pills because I was getting exhausted too fast because of my blood loss which made me have more headaches. I do not take them daily because my previous doctors said I had too much iron in my system but I have a hard time storing it which is why every doctor I see can’t really fix it or diagnose it again because my panels read either too high, normal or low, so cheers to that.) I know this because my recent period lasted 7 days and was normal flow similar to how they use to be before I got on before control. I say this because your doctors won’t listen to you and will prescribe you a medicine regardless of your wishes. I decided not to take it and even now I’m losing the weight I gained slowly. 

My migraine medicine: Is used for both migraines (my neurologist wanted to boost it to the highest dose which I didn’t agree with since I already have the muscle tingles that happen all day and are annoying and could get kidney stones and I know I don’t drink enough water to stop that from happening; so I stuck to the dose I’m on. Again sometimes your doctors can be wrong. GO with what you’re comfortable with) and weight loss. The weight I’m losing could be contributed to that or the fact I stopped my BC pills, I’m unsure which or the fact I’m working again. 

So what helped me recover? 

 For one, I had a support system that kept me accountable in the form of my boyfriend who knew I struggled with eating. Including one of my highschool friend who kept track of if I eat in highschool when we were at lunch together, when my boyfriend couldn’t be there. Once I got into college, it became my own responsibility to hold myself accountable for eating and sometimes that didn’t happen because I become hyper-focus on one thing (still do) and fail to remember to eat. My boyfriend still checked in whenever he could to make sure I did eat whenever he choose to 

I changed my mentality. I no longer look for a diet to do. If I eat what society sees as unhealthy or healthy that doesn’t concern me. I’m going to eat what helps my body because I know what helps it. I know personally if my body doesn’t get enough nutrition I’ll suffer a headache and will get tired later on that day. You have to know your body and that starts with your mental. Some days will be bad and that just comes with recovery.

Eating the foods you like. I’m lucky enough to be on a college campus that allows us to be back in person during a pandemic and is serving us food. By them do this, I don’t often eat in my dorm room so I can save my food or don’t eat out or order in as often. Last semester when I lived in my own apartment, I ordered food a lot and I wasn’t ashamed by it. It just took a lot of my money. My college thankfully has the healthier options available for students who can’t eat meats or doesn’t prefer it. If I don’t eat in my cafetria on campus, I’ll go to our schools tea room if it’s open to grab something to eat if I don’t like anything they have, unless I ultimately have no time left I’ll eat in my room. 

I choose to eat whatever. Some days I’ll eat more vegetarian than meat or vegan that vegetarian or I’ll eat more meat if I want it. However, I do know that there’s days I’ll crave pizza. I don’t hold back and I’ll go get a pizza and it’ll last me three or two meals depending on how hungry I am or if I get Chinese food, that’s two meals. I learned to stop holding myself holding myself back from my cravings. If I want something, I’ll eat it.

One of the last things that helped me was watching over people go through recovery the same time I was choosing to. These people have already recovery so they don’t have many videos up anymore from that time in their lives so I can’t tag their channels here and probably won’t ever. But they helped me get through and see that I wasn’t alone. That it was okay to feel the things I was feeling. 

Lastly, I learned to start to love myself. I haven’t fully done it yet. But I don’t hate myself either. It’s taking time to realize that I deserve better in life. That despite what I look like, even if it’s at my heaviest or at my lowest I won’t care what people think of me as long as I love how I look. Now that’s been a struggle to work with and I’m only a few months into that mentality, but it feels good. I spent majority of my life avoiding mirrors and avoiding taking pictures with my family to the point I don’t have many pictures of myself from the times I grew up to now. Or I hardly understand some days how I look because I don’t look in the mirror. But I slowly starting to. I can tell in pictures on days where I do love myself and have confidence that I’m happier. I also learned to understand my worth and know that I shouldn’t feel miserable in a friendship. 

There’s small things you can do to recover now. It’s not an over night thing. There’s days where recovery will see pointless or if you’re even doing it right or if you’re just faking it for the shits and giggles, but you’re doing a good thing. Ultimately, recovery is about you. It’s not for anyone else. Not for your family, or your friends or your boyfriends or your pets. It’s for you and you alone. Because it only effects you physically and mentally and emotionally. You’re the one who has to deal with it 24/7 and has to actively choose to heal and keep healing every single day. It’s not going to be easy. I only listed a few things I’ve been through that was singular for me and important to me to voice, there were more things I did. I wish you all the best whether you choose recovery now, tomorrow, or in the future. Please stay safe.