#in other news there was something deeply wrong with me as a youth.

[quietwingsinthesky]

whenever i think ‘hey am i doing okay rn’, as long as i can come back with ‘well, im not praying for the devil to come possess me so i don’t have to live anymore’, i think i’m doing okay

[absolutebl]

Top 10 Most Underrated BLs of the last 3 years

(mid year 2021 - end 2023)

This list will not include BLs that ended their run in 2024. I need some distance to know if something is actually underrated (We Are maybe?) or justifiably ignored.

1 I Cannot Reach You AKA Kimi ni wa Todokanai (Japan 2023 Netflix?)

This classic friends-to-lovers BL is everything Japan does best. Angsty. Emo. Aching. Driven by real thirst. Yamato is deeply in love with his childhood bestie, Kakeru, and has been for ages, increasingly unable to hide his ungainly damaging high school need. He wants Kakeru in every way possible and it oozes off of the screen. Kakeru is silly and a little simple, but not frenetic or overly camp about it. He is earnest, and genuinely wants to keep Yamato in his life, which means giving a romance (and gayness) a fair chance. We watch him realize his affection and what form it can take in a truly authentic way. This show was impossibly kind to both of its lead characters and I felt almost honored that I got to watch something so lovely and rare play out on my screen. Full review.

2 My Ride (Thai 2022 Gaga)

Thai BL grew up with this pulp (the first ever pulp to make my end of year top 10). It’s a truly lovely and special little show featuring the extremely rare pairing of sunshine/sunshine (AKA a cinnamon roll couple) plus mature explorations of relationships using one of the softest, sweetest, and most innocent friends to lovers vehicles. Kindly, overworked doctor meets broken-hearted motorcycle taxi rider in an “other side of the tracks” slow burn romance. The support cast is excellent, making for great friendship groups and family dynamics. With honest queer rep that adds to, but doesn’t impede, the story, and genuine conversation about the nature of class, wealth, and classism, not to mention communication, honesty, and respect for boundaries, you can’t go wrong with this show. In other news, I am a sucker for a single dimple. Full review.

3 Our Dining Table AKA Bokura no Shokutaku (Japan 2023 Gaga)

A lonely salaryman (+ talented cook) gets accidentally adopted by a college kid (and his little brother). I was always gonna love this show if they stuck to the original yaoi (which is very dear to my heart). And they did! Paralleling it almost exactly. It’s a quiet & cozy little parable of found family alleviating loneliness. Possibly too slow for some but definitely high up there for me as the best of what Japan can do with softness (like Restart After Come Back Home). It’s only flaw (if I dare say such a thing) is that it is not really “romantic.” Lovely & sweet but the romance beats are being used to build a family relationship, not just couple intimacy, but that's OK with me. This is a very safe show for anyone to watch.

4 About Youth (Taiwan 2022 Gaga)

A truly lovely little coming of age high school BL with a classic YA low drama but high angst and earnest depth. I didn’t even mind the singing, and that’s saying a lot. A weak seme/uke dynamic but tons of BL tropes (both rare in a high school setting but common for Taiwan) makes this one feel both sweet and colored by real world authenticity and grit. Full review.

5 Step By Step (Thai 2023 Gaga)

This was Thailand’s answer to The New Employee, and everything I loved about that show I loved about this one. This office romance between a stern boss and sweet subordinate felt more authentic to cubical work than previous Thai BLs of this ilk. That authenticity added tension to the narrative and its characters development (how novel). I also really enjoyed the charming side characters and the brothers' relationship to each other (although I could have done without that brother's side BL). Full review.

6 DNA Says Love You (Taiwan 2022 Gaga)

DNA deserves extra marks for an upbeat approach to a queer story arc that other shows have systemically mishandled with sadness (in the guise of realism). There is a twist, which I found predictable, but knowing what would happen didn't spoil this show. The leads are luminous and engaging, and it’s full of queer found family representation and an unexpected amount of domesticity, plus it’s Taiwan, so the kisses are great. The first few eps are rough going but have patience, it's worth it I promise! The second half is really special and life/love affirming - and the end is big-grin charming. Full review.

7 Unintentional Love Story (Korea 2023 iQIYI)

Of all the BLs on this list, this is probubly the MOST underrated. OMG the plot! Uke forced into a totally understandable betrayal, falling in love despite himself, put into a corner he can't get out of, the AGONY, the PAIN in those gorgeous eyes. Gah. Okay, so: A boy loses his job due to trumped-up corruption charges accidentally discovers his ex-boss's favorite artist, now a recluse. Evil manager offers him his job back, if he can convince the artist to rejoin society. Instead, they fall in love. I found the artist a bit stiff and reserved but Gongchan (maknae of B1A4) is a fucking GIFT - he carried this show (which I do not expect from the idol element). He was luminous with extraordinarily expressive eyes, just drown in the emoting abyss. The external conflict, social tension and pressure is complex and beautifully executed, plus Korea gave us legit side dishes (NOT a love triangle, hally-fucking-luya). Full review.

8 Dear Doctor I'm Coming for Your Soul (Thai 2022 iQIYI)

This is a romance between a doctor trying to save his patients and a reaper who is both his enemy and (eventual) lover (basically the genius premise of a gay Doom at Your Service). High concept looks good on you, Thailand. It’s lovely to see KarnNat back on screen together and they are still great, and Karn is just as painfully beautiful as ever. I enjoyed this one more than its ending deserved, and the best I can say is that it’s not strictly HEA but if you’re okay with Life: Love on the Line, you’ll be okay with this BL. It’s set up well, there’s no surprise unpleasantness like HIStory 3: The BL that shall not be named. Full review.

9 Destiny Seeker (Thai 2023 WeTV)

A darn near perfect pulp featuring 3 likable grumpy/sunshine pairings with uncomplicated iterations of enemies to lovers. At least one half of each does a decent amount of pining and there’s good chemistry, classic tropes, and excellent communication rep. It’s fun and full of linguistic jokes. Sublimely cheesy but a good rainy day offering with tons of rewatch potential. (Also WAR PEANUTS!) Full review.

10 Make a Wish (Thai 2023 grey)

A doctor who can see the dead strikes a bargain with a wish-granting irreverent tree angel - naturally they fall in love (from Sammon: Manner of Death & Triage). Stars Fluke Natouch opposite not Ohm, but who cares because Fluke has chemistry with everybody. Once again the Thai afterlife is incredibly bureaucratic but I enjoyed the premise and the unfolding of the story (it’s not predictable but still satisfying and with nice little twist). I like that the doctor is just gay AF - fag hag bestie and made of swagger. The cast is excellent but the comedic stylings are a bit overblown and tonally off. It has sad parts and did make me cry but is ultimately happy with a great sex scene, good smiley kisses, and all the agency.

10 others I rarely see anyone talk about:

Triage - Many would put this at the top of the list, but I don't find it very rewatchable and that weighs a lot in my assessments. Still it is GOOD and very underrated. BL does Groundhog Day featuring a doctor stuck in a time loop who must save a poor little rich boy from death by seducing the stuffing out of him, then PLOT TWIST, poor little rich boy must do the same for doctor! Unfortunately… stuffing keeps leaking. I thought the plot was engaging if a little redundant and occasionally exhausting. The pairs were all well done, low heat but with decent chemistry and the support characters were likable (or unlikeable, as required). My reason it's not in the top 10? If anything, the romance arc detracted and distracted from the main plot, but that doesn't stop this from being a genuinely good show it's just time loop is not a trope I personally enjoy. Review here.

See You After Quarantine? - This under appreciated gem is Taiwan’s answer to Gameboys and is just as charmg and adorable yet still as quintessentially Taiwanese as one might hope. It features a Japanese love interest and the cutest most confused disaster gay. Slow burn because the two have almost no actual screen time together and yet manage some truly amazing chemistry. Honestly how does Taiwan do it?

The Tasty Florida - I don't know, maybe it's Speed nostalgia, but I love this one, classic Korean BL with all those strengths and flaws... but The Prettiest.

You Make Me Dance - it's Korea but somehow they got this one, maybe by featuring mature characters and a real world crisis? Also they both ve hot.

Blueming - at the time it got a lot of attention but it seems to have faded into obscurity under the shod of The 8th Sense and Love of Love's Sack. This was a precurser to both and well worth a watch if you like it when Korea gets a little gritty.

Love Stage!! (Thai version) - I liked this IP alerady more than most. But this is the best of the 4 adaptations, and the first full Thai version of Japanese IP. It's both charming and notable in the industry. Hard to find and that's why it gets so little creddit but I think it's well worth the effort to track down.

Oh! Boarding House - I think most who watched this din't jive with it because it's an ensamble piece witha wicked love traingle. But I really enjoyed it. It felt like the move Kdrama BL that Korea has given us and I like me some Kdramas.

What Zabb Man! - one of the better BLs to come out of Star Hunter in the last few years. I like this pair a lot more than most, and the sides are wicked great. This is probably one of my favorite food themed BLs, actually.

2 Moons The Ambassador - possibly the lowest scoring BL to appear on this list but I just really like the leads. Nothing else is good, but they are kinda awkwardly fantastic. I also like how gay af the seme is.

Stay By My Side - This show was an interesting take on the "ghost boyfriend" trope. About a boy who is tormented by hearing the dead, except when he is around one other boy - desperation+proximity = love. Despite a strong initial premise it ended up mostly being enjoyable for sappy domesticity but nothing more. Still, I always give extra credit for the diabetes-inducing sugar content and rewatch capacity.

Requested by the lovely @l1xyz

FYI: I judge “underrated” on the strength of what I see people talk about (or more precisely not talk about) on social media, MDL reviews, and YouTube watch numbers (when available, as compared to comparable shows from the same country). 

Because of this, statistically, there will always be quite a few BLs that are difficult to get hold of.

Here's my pulls of the Top Underrated BLs prior to 2021. Considering the amount of content generated over the last few years, the pool to draw from is likely about the same.

My Top 10 Most Underrated BLs prior to 2021

Seven Days

Restart after Come Back Home

Wish You

Nobleman Ryu’s Wedding

He’s Coming to Me

Oxygen

My Day

Most Peaceful Place

HIStory 2: Right or Wrong

HIStory: Obsessed

I'd throw Great Men Academy in there, but I always dither over whether it actually is a BL.

[revelisms]

New WIP has me deep in the emotional whumpzone (per usual)—so even more Ghost headcanons: Angst Edition. Because why not ❤️‍🩹

CW: Family dysfunction, parentification, negative self-image, anger issues, relationship issues, grief. Also some heartwarming-ish moments? Sorta kinda? (;-;)b

Primo

Faced the harshest transition within the church as the first successor to the new Order, having to meet both the old clergy's expectations as well as the standards Nihil, as part of his bargaining, had been pressured to achieve.

Also saw first-hand much of the darker underbelly of the church (e.g., murders caused by the ghouls, corruption in the clergy, etc.), which he tried to shield the younger ones from witnessing. It's not all champagne and caviar in these halls—especially at the top.

Has had few consistent lovers in his life, but has loved them all deeply. Getting beneath his surface-level affections can be challenging, though. He has a kind, nurturing presence with most everyone, especially those he likes to have around—but as a partner, he can be protective to the point of patronizing. Very cautious, at times condescending, and ultimately fearful of ever losing someone again. Loves like a dragon guarding a horde of gold, and can get just as ugly for it.

Didn't want to have to step into the role of essentially father and mother for the boys, but he felt he had to. There's a hardness to him, for that, and a sense of young adulthood that he's lost; he feels ancient in a way that's difficult to explain, and always has. There's very little of him that feels youthful anymore.

His love for gardening runs deeper than most take it for. He's always been interested in healing magick and herbal remedies, and it's an older field of study he gravitated to in his earlier days. He's been on the cusp of too many tragedies to turn a blind eye to it, now, and so this is his way of doing something. He sees himself as too old, too frail, and frankly too booksmart to do so, otherwise; it's an underlying resentment of his, after watching too many ritual acts go wrong.

Having the Sight of clairsentience (aka: seeing into the minds of living things) has made him a bit of a chronic skeptic. He has lost his trust in most things; the few that he keeps to are the realms of possibility and self-determination: that what he sees in one moment does not have to be Truth, overall. But it hurts, being cursed to know what others truly think and would wish to do, even if they won't voice it. He tries to stay kind, despite that.

Secondo

He was always an angry child, and wrestles worse with his frustrations as an adult. His spite and his rage have fueled him; in many ways, Wrath has been the one constant of his life. But it has broken countless relationships in the process, and created a reputation that most siblings fear.

He's a very bitter, armored man—and, as a result, can be a bit of an ass—but he's aware of it. (Unlike someone else. Grumble grumble.)

Despite their theoretical closeness in age (I HC a bigger gap here), and quite a few shared emotional traits, he and Terzo couldn't be more polar opposite. Since Secondo was unwantedly looped into Primo's surrogate parental role once he got older, he took the brunt of this with Terzo, who was hell to manage. He has a lot of regrets over this, and puts silent blame on himself (in fairness, more than he should) for Terzo not getting the support or affection he should have when he was younger. Their relationship has always been strained from this.

Daddy issues out the wazoo—and it's translated into most relationships (work or otherwise) he's had with authority figures, since. He's a beast to deal with, when it comes to the clergy; most members of the cloth will toss him straight to Nihil before they have to even think of handling him (which is disastrous, in itself; he's inherited much of Sister's traits when it comes to bickering Nihil into place, and their All-Father can't stand it...but c'est la vie).

In short: Hell forbid you share a table with these two. Copia and Nihil's mess is tame, comparatively.

Genuinely one big tender-hearted teddy bear beneath it all, but few are given the privilege to see it. He's a very romantic man stuck in a complacent chain of disposability, and he's made his peace with that. He's certainly not an easy person to love; being in a relationship with him is a constant yo-yo of moods that can explode at the drop of a pen—but with the right balance, with someone who can ground him, he could rival the poets of old with his lavishness. Roses and wine and sweets for days. (And kisses. Satan, don't forget those.)

Having the Sight of retrospection (aka: seeing the the past) has been both the root of his fascinations with history and, ironically, his complete disgust of those who claim to study it (...which he is, but anyway). It's also led to some hard wounds due to Primo trying to safeguard him from the darker nature of the church as a child vs. the realities he was forced to bear witness to once gifted the Sight. It broke a lot of his security in the doctrines, and his trust in Primo. As a result, he views their eldest, above all, as a liar and has learned to take the guidance he shares with a grain of salt.

Terzo

Was a very rambunctious, escapist-driven child, and it has led into him being a flippant, snide, and at times callously individualistic adult. However, this battles with his desire to be valued by others—most of all, to help someone feel better in themselves. He's incredibly kind and soothing, when he wants to be.

The mix of priorities can be puzzling. As much as he can be selfish in one moment, he would roll out of bed at 2am to conduct a blessing for an insomnia-riddled sibling of sin, without question (which is...other WIP shh). This can make it hard to know where one stands with him, and whether any special treatment they've seemingly been given is all that special, after all.

Can be extremely petty for the spite of it, often through comments that cut to the bone, but almost as frequently in performances he knows will pull eyes. Nihil and Sister are often the joint instigators of this, and it tends to trickle down, unfairly, into his treatment of Copia—though he knows it shouldn't. He's not proud of this, and attempts to curb it when he can, but in many ways his temper is a mirror to Secondo's own; once something sets him off, he can become fiercely cold and hurtful. Getting on his bad side is a vile place to be.

Has, for lack of a better term, a tightly controlled persona: almost impeccably funny, sly, and suave, especially once he's ascended into the papacy (and been put on a tightwire of clerical demands). Few have seen the quiet, withdrawn, fidgety side of him. Few, he doubts, would want to.

At his most fundamental, he is heavily driven by a need to feel seen, accepted and loved—but he's repeatedly sabotaged it once it's been given. The siblings dubbed him a "loose kite" well before his Cardinal days: someone without a tether bound to land wherever (and with whomever) he wants. Most are aware that he's an egregious flirt, and little else, and have learned to never take his affections too seriously—and, to an extent, that's exactly what he wants. On the other hand, he's shot himself in the foot with this: a self-fulfilled prophecy of nothing ever panning out (and one he fears ever panning out at all, as much as he wants it).

Having the Sight of premonition (aka: seeing the future) has been dual-edged. He's seen the beauty of his own future, and of select others, countless paths over—and, just as wickedly, their demise. Countess potentials, countless lovers, countless beings, countless deaths. It has never been a source of peace, for him; he can only know with certainty what may occur once he has taken the first step onto a bounded path. Starting the route to his Papacy was his only confirmation that he was doomed to fail—but, for years, he knew little else.

The biggest splint in his Path, always, was Omega. Saints and demons, it was always Omega.

Copia

You could fill a jar with the things this man would nitpick about himself—and still, he would nitpick more—but he is nothing if not a source of reassurance for any who have known him: both in his bumbling Cardinal days, and in the slow-sewn confidence he's found in his senior roles. One of the sweetest, if sweetly awkward, souls one could meet—but give him any passing compliment, and he'll scrape it under his heel.

For all he craves true praise, hungers for it, he is so hesitant to believe it. He has never felt good enough in his own skin. Not for Primo's success, not for Secondo's intelligence, not for Terzo's confidence. Certainly not for the clergy's standards. And Sister—Mother—well. He's never quite known how to untangle the dreams she poured into him from his own.

Was effectively the black sheep of the family for much of his youth, despite receiving more affection from Sister—which, in retrospect, only added to the resentments. He had always been seen as an other, most harshly by Terzo, who felt that his ability to even have a relationship with his own mother was squashed by Copia devouring her attentions.

Losing them all made it easier, in some ways. It had to be done. (Hell, he misses them. He misses them so much.)

Loving him can be an overwhelming experience. As a partner, he goes overboard on the regular (often, humorously, with disastrous results). It's challenging sometimes for him to realize he doesn't need to perform, in this; that he can just be. He hadn't taken the best cues from Terzo, in that—but who else could he have looked up to, but Terzo: who was beautiful, and desired, and bright as a star?

There's a cruel irony in that. Terzo had never quite opened up to his little brother—but if he would have, Copia would have only known how much they had in common: how much of their black-sheeped image-loathed performance-pillared suffering they'd shared. (But the past is the past, now. Copia can't think on that, too long.)

Having a belatedly repaired relationship with Nihil and Sister has been complicated for him. There's an unspoken attempt at correction, for their (seemingly) final and "true" heir—attempting to be a better father, a better mother, to be a family. He'd never quite had that, in all those years before. A part of him loathes that only now he's being given it.

The Sight of clairvoyance (aka: seeing the Bridge between realms) is strange sort of blessing, in this. They're all with him, always. Through life and death, through all of it. And perhaps that's what he'd always been meant to be—a homestead for those lost souls to gather; to live free again, if for a moment. He finds comfort in that, much as he can.

[junkbbykow]

𝒴❁𝒰’𝑅𝐸 𝒯𝐻𝒜𝒯 𝐵𝐼𝒯𝒞𝐻 - 𝒫𝒜𝒞

I’m gonna help y’all remember who you are and get to the nitty gritty of YOUR baddie energy <3 My latest PAC is here!

Omg guys! Thank y’all for 50 followers. As a special treat and thanks I’m going to be offering one of my paid readings in PAC form! Remember this is general, take what resonates and leave what doesn’t!

Pick a Picture below! 1,2,3

Pile 1 - The Powerhouse

Remember Who You Are - What comes naturally

Well sheesh pile one. You take no sh*t and no prisoners. You say what you have to say and mean it. You’re incredibly fair and also generous. You help those who are deserving but keep your energy safe and locked away. I see you might also be a defender of some sorts. You keep anything that doesn’t serve you at bay and keep it pushing. Literally giving toxic energies a face of disgust. Y’all are not here for it. You’re a leader and philanthropist. You help others and share your resources with equity to those in need of your gifts but also yourself. You have great boundaries and keep sh*t in check. Nobody crosses you, your (chosen) family, and the abundance you create for yourself. You have wealth and high standards. You’re simply better than some people AND THAT IS OKAY. Don’t let it get to your head lol. One persons guides coming through heavy so maybe connect with your ancestors, guides, spirit and listen to your dreams

Divine Messages

Lmao don’t do too much for family. You live them deeply but don’t be afraid to say no, ask for reciprocation or just restate your boundaries. I feel like y’all can get down from being in this maternal/paternal energy but someone(s) are going to make this better and give back to you the way you give to them. Don’t overextended your abundance. The goal is to build generational wealth that exists beyond this lifetime. Maybe some of y’all have a younger brother or sibling. Keep them in your prayers and manifestations they may be dealing with some emotions they haven’t learned to express. Open yourself up to them and be a light in their life. A strong message here is to stop overburdening yourself. Yes, you are capable but EVERYONE has their limits and you need to start making that clear for those around you our spirit will do it on your behalf. Your skills are needed for much more than this present moment. Be wary of running yourself ragged trying to be everything to everybody. PROTECT your abundance and nurture it. Don’t just hand it out willy nilly. You deserve your abundance and spirit sends it your way for you. Treat yourself but more importantly INVEST IN YOURSELF!!!! Somethings (people, places, habits) need to be let go of with the quickness.

The beauty others see in you

People see you as a forever student. You are always learning new skills, adapting, and leveling up your life. I feel like if someone needs help researching or has an oddball question you’re the person for the job. People think the world is your oyster. Nothing can stop you and honestly who would dare with the energy you were presenting earlier. Before I saw you as fierce and cut to the chase, but people close to you see this youthful, creative, and joyous person who is eternally optimistic even when they have their moments. Whether their in your life, in the future, or speaking from the other side, your (chosen/soul) family LOVES YOU. They also see you as some sort of traveler. With a simple yet cute sense of style. Comfy but in the most fashionable way possible. You are also EXTREMELY beautiful. TW nudity/Sexual attraction On a more general sense I think a lot of people want to see you naked. In the most natural way possible. Whatever insecurities you have people don’t care they want to see you hair, bumps, acne, rolls and all.

How your destined person sees you

They see you as lost? Lmao not what I expected. You can be hard headed sometimes (me too) and they love this about you don’t get them wrong but that’s one of the big things they see in you. Your a crazy kid with wild ideas and you sure as hell are not gonna let anything stop you. You’re tough and but also very soft. You’re new to this (dating). Or maybe you’ve never actually experienced love and this person will be that to you. When they say lost you’re not codependent or struggling your just an extremely go with flow, take all the punches kinda person. They recognize y’all as meant to be. There is nobody else who matches them as perfectly as you. There’s just you. Nobody they could dream up would be as perfect and as exquisite as you. There words not mine 🥹

How to embody these attributes & utilize your gifts

Recognize that you are going through something. You have been left feeling helpless, alone, and defeated. That is okay. It happens. You don’t have to pick yourself up this very millisecond. I know you’re a determined individual who moves towards their goals at the speed of light but you need to reconnect woth your soul energy. Plain and simple. That means inmer child work, root chakra healing, physical therapy. Feed your soul the best way you know how. One step at a time. You got this. Get off social media. I also feel like you’re defensive right now. But there isn’t anything that needs defending. Nobody is taking your spot. There is only you. That’s it. So just rest, please. Everything will be here when you’re feeling better. Promise. Also stop fighting. Whatever that means to you. Chill out and let things pass. I’m picking up on a family scenario. Also stop telling people your grand plans. There energy is getting all mixed in with your projects. Also stop giving away every dime you have. Save. Buy yourself something nice okay. Not every part of you is meant to be given to others.

How to Honor Yourself Daily

Listen to your emotions. Release the hustle energy and breathe. Be playful, act goofy, make dumb choices. They’ll lead you somewhere unexpected. Ofc be safe but have FUN. Acknowledge how you’re feeling daily and show up for yourself by nurturing that aspect of you. Come to terms with your emotions and validate them. Also be creative, study, read, you enjoy acquiring knowledge, so do that. This is not the time for others. It’s the time for you and you only.

Tidbits: New York, College, Professor/educator, These boots are made for walking, children, laughing, music to my ears, water, mermaid, art, study, books, color, sun, 5, wand, fire, galaxy, 2, earth, wings, mother, familiar

I hope you enjoyed your reading! I appreciate all likes, reblogs, and feedback! Please visit my masterlist for more PACS, Ask Games, Paid Readings and more!

Pile 2 - The Nurtuer

Remember Who You Are - What Comes Naturally

Y’all are naturally kind in this pile. You let things come to you. You’re not a chaser and you have a very relaxed energy. I see you as someone who awaits every new day with adventure. You teach people patience and forgiveness. Your heart is so warm. And you make yourself a safe haven for those who need it but also yourself. Taurus energy???? You are very good at processing and understanding your emotions while remaining grounded in reality. You balance feelings and logic and respect how one does not exist without the other. You are wise beyond your years without even doing anything. It’s inate to who you are. You see a lot of beauty in the world and love nature. You seek adventure but not in a chaotic way. You truly appreciate life itself the mundane and the extraordinary. What you find beauty in is unique. Career isn’t really your focus or where you find happiness or fulfillment. You’re giving homemaker vibes. So if you’re struggling in career how can you comfort others and make their lives more comfortable. Your energy is calm. The fast life is not for you. It’s okay to dream small. I know everyone is saying make a name for yourself but maybe you just want to live in a cottage somewhere and grow fruits. That’s valid.

Divine Messages

I feel like y’all have your sh*t together lmao. You’re creating the life you want for yourself and disregarding the status quo. This might have been a new revelation. You’re leaving behind this need to be someone your not. I feel like your journey here is to nurture yourself and live a good and chill life. A new day is shining on you. I feel like some of you might not agree with this, but maybe question why you want your goals and what do you REALLY want. A tough lesson may be coming towards you. I feel this is more on a spiritual/mental level for a majority of the group. I don’t know if spirit is going to give me all the details. There might be a man in your life who is ending a cycle in your life and you will have to leave them behind. A death of some sorts is coming.

The Beauty Others see in You

Okay so people can see that you are fair, generous, and just. They also see you as a protector. A mother hen of sorts. Also you’re here to guide people. That’s a part of your life plan. People see that you can nurture things from start to finish. You complete your goals and are very orderly. People aspire to be as well put together as they see you being. Like I said, you’re a homemaker of some sorts and people love to be in your energy, room, home, ect. You make it a nice and comforting place to be and you accommodate guests very well. You’re sociable but independent and people recognize that. You’re the #1 host and gathering spot. You are very magical and people see you as a creator. Like you manifest, manipulate, and transmute like crazy!!!! You get what you want and reach your desires by any means. I know you might be tired of hearing this but you’re very strong. You keep your inner world in shape so that it can reflect out into your universe. You stay optimistic by balancing your understanding of your external and internal realities. I feel like this part was from spirit because it was so introspective.

How your Destined Person Sees You

You are illusive. You’re so mysterious. Everyday there is something new with you, another layer. (very sweet energy 🥹) They probably enjoy late nights with you. Being your partner is a CONSTANT adventure. Late night drives, traveling through the woods, you’re literally a witch/spiritual asf and that is new to them 😭. I feel like they see you like in a coven late at night dancing around a fire naked with your friends. And it wouldn’t be surprising to catch you like that. They might want to be apart of your witchy endeavors don’t be afraid to let them take part and share this part of yourself. With all that adventure they also see you as mature and respectable (you got layerrrsss). But in all of this they don’t think you understand how amazing, beautiful, and luxurious you are. You are so special and unique. You spend a lot of time worrying and anxious and they really just want to take care of all of it for you. They will do everything in their power to affirm you day to day. They want you to be the star that you truly are. Unstoppable.

How to embody these attributes & utilize your gifts

Focus on yourself. You’ve spent so much of your life catering to others and it’s time to invest in you and you alone. Some of the people you’ve been helping, leave them behind. They may seem hurt with your decision but tbh it doesn’t compare to the weight/burden they are in your life. You’re put together so these people don’t respect your emotions because your not trying to get attention for your pain or make everyone feel what you’re feeling. You carry yourself and your own responsibilities and these people just can’t accept that their problems are not your issue. Friends support one another, they do not do the work for each other. Be youthful again, leave seriousness behind. Life is a joke and that’s okay. And it’s okay to be alone for a little bit. Love you babes 💕 Taking this time alone leads you to a whole new world, I promise.

How to Honor Yourself Daily

Just getting out of bed is enough. To get water, eat, shower, turn on the tv, I don’t care. These people who have left your life or about to honestly left you in shambles. I think you were better off before them and now you’re trying to rekindle who you used to be with the knowledge and the maturity you now posses and that’s honorable. But rest first. There are so many day in a lifetime and it is okay to sit down and rest. Tomorrow is promised so please release all those burdens these people left behind. Also cry, throw tantrums, and reconcile with who you truly are. I think someone is coming in and offering you abundance. If not someone something. You be fulfilled and content just rest baby 🛌 Also stop giving people gifts rn. I’ve said this like three times in this pile but genuinely you have to stop 😅

Tidbits: death, hermit, nature, creek, wildflowers, pastels, harmony, gardening, trail, forest. star, night, giggles, silence, nobody else but us, freedom, fresh air, cozy, sleep, blankets, hot chocolate

I hope you enjoyed your reading! I appreciate all likes, reblogs, and feedback! Please visit my masterlist for more PACS, Ask Games, Paid Readings and more!

Pile 3 - The Trailblazer

Remember Who You Are - What Comes Naturally

You are constantly striving for internal growth. You also love to dress up and be creative. You may like to use ‘odd’ things as accessories or pick up flowers and put them in your hair. Your a benevolent leader who encourages others and yourself to come out of your shell. You walk in a room and turn heads. Not only are you beautiful but incredibly unique and you express that outwardly. People often ‘don’t know what to do with you’ you don’t fit into any molds (so stop trying) You make your own lanes and you innovate. Heavy influence from earth and air here. Please get out in nature. It’s your home. Also connect with water! You are often uncertain which comes with the territory of being so unique. You fit so many roles. You might have felt akin to all three piles for certain reasons. So much lies beneath the surface that even you have yet to find. Even when uncertain you trail ahead at full speed and don’t fear the consequences because you are righteous (with good reason) Your ancestors/spirit/guides entrust you with great responsibilities. Listen to them because your connection to them is so innate and pure. Like fresh water (I just saw a drop of water drip into still water maybe your actions this lifetime will have a great ripple effect for generations) This can be scary but don’t worry your protected and will find your way. No need to rush or overthink it. Literally just be you <3

Divine Messages

I think you’re going through a rebirth right now. Visit pile 2 if you felt called to it. I feel like you are only seeing the negative or refusing to be patient. Chill out for a second you need time. You just came out of something you need to redefine yourself and truly connect with your essence. Let your worries fall away. Your restless during your time of rest which is counterproductive. Let the ‘abundance’ of your last cycle be cleared so that the absolute monstrosity of wealth and opulence can come through. Leave social media alone. Especially if you’re watching other people be successful and so on. It’s not your time yet and that’s okay but your not in the headspace to be happy for other’s success right now so get off Tik Tok lmao 😅.

The Beauty Others See in You

Y’all reflect back to others what they wish to see in themselves. Parts that are missing or have been lost over time come up in you or your relationship to you. A true shapeshifter. Be wary of this because you don’t want to have a mask on in every relationship. Be you. You are everything all at once. You embody so many attributes, desires, goals. All of it is so much and can be overwhelming at time but it’s truly beautiful to see. Coming across someone as unique as you, Pile 3, is rare. Know that. Not everyone with a pretty face and interesting surface is worth your time. You stick to your roots and who you are regardless of what the crowd is saying. They aren’t you and subscribing to that lifestyle isn’t you either.

How Your Destined Person Sees You

This is a destined connection. Also it’s giving queer! They might see you as tomboyish or a very strong balance of femme and masculine. If you’re non-binary your partner loves this about you don’t worry. They also see you as a muse. Your body, personality, and the way you think inspires them. Your constantly transforming and that is a great place to draw inspiration. They either want to provide for you or truly see this connection that will bear fruit from its labor! Very sweet and genuine energy here. You redefine family for them. All the doubts they had about building one are swept away after meeting you. They see you as someone who can build a family and generational wealth together. Go you!

How to Embody these Attributes & Utilize Your Gifts

Be confident or find confidence within yourself on many levels. Be confident in your work, studies, appearance, and so on. Also, fall in love? I think this is from your destined partner embody your strength and radiate that energy so you can signal to them that your ready and here. Idk I feel like this pile knows who they are and already embodies their gifts good on y’all but also check the other piles if you felt drawn to them.

How to Honor Yourself Daily

Ignore illusions. People may try to rush you, make you feel insignificant but it’s not true. You have true power and you yield it with kindness. You are a star don’t let others highlight your misfortunes and mistakes. Let go if things not going according to plan and look for the next opportunity. Also stop taking people’s BS. Like it’s tired. Put your foot down and focus on your own growth and practices. Take back what is yours.

Surprises are on their way to you. That’s why your reading was so quick to the point

Tidbits: 8h, pluto, soul, transformation, apple, snake, 222, 333, cloud, 9, creation, crown, fire, tower, iPad

I hope you enjoyed your reading! I appreciate all likes, reblogs, and feedback! Please visit my masterlist for more PACS, Ask Games, Paid Readings and more!

Your other songs are Long Time - Intro, Playboy Carti & NVR MET, CMNT Glitch Gum Also Never Ending, Rihanna

Remember, you’re that b*txh!

xoxo,

Junkbby Kow

[a-court-of-fics-and-errors]

Keep Moving Forwards, Part 15

Azriel x Reader Fic

Summary: After finally deciding to leave your abusive and manipulative mate for good, you find unexpected companionship with Azriel, the Shadowsinger of the Night Court. As you navigate the aftermath of your traumatic relationship, you struggle to understand where the mating bond went wrong and contemplate your path forward, vowing never to return to the past.

Find other parts here: Master List

To follow this fic, follow tag "Keep Moving Forwards Fic" or comment to be tagged in future parts.

Content Warning: This story contains depictions of extreme emotional manipulation and abuse, detailed descriptions of direct physical abuse, and scenes of men hunting women with implied sexual assault. Please read at your own risk.

Word Count: 4.7k

Author's Note: This is a multi-part series. Unlike my previous works, this fanfiction delves deeper than just fluff, exploring complex emotional landscapes. As I navigate this new writing journey, I kindly ask for gentle feedback. The topics addressed are profoundly impactful, touching many lives with diverse experiences. Please be gentle with yourselves and others. Healing is a journey, and everyone processes it differently. Be kind to yourself. Take what resonates, and leave what doesn’t.

I drew inspiration for the story of the mating bond from the song "The Origin of Love" featured in the musical "Hedwig and the Angry Inch." Whenever the topic of the mating bond arises, this song comes to mind, and I extend my heartfelt gratitude to its creator. It never fails to move me to tears, and I am deeply thankful for its presence in my life. If you'd like to listen to the song, here's the link: The Origin of Love

Please continue reading, being aware of the above content warnings, ensuring you are in a healthy headspace. Give yourself time to process and be gentle with yourself.

As the cabin continued to be repaired, you found more time to wander into the woods, venturing far enough to need a tent, which you packed up and camped overnight in. About a day and a half’s walk from the cabin was a small village where lesser fae lived. Though small, it teemed with life, and the fae welcomed you warmly. None were familiar with the cabin you now called home, but they were eager to help with supplies to fix it up. An older fae female named Bettina, with long, flowing grey hair braided with flowers, traded you vegetable sprouts for an afternoon’s work in her garden. Another young woman with sunburnt cheeks and a babe strapped to her back traded you new fabrics for your collection of books.

Mortus, the village craftsman, was more challenging to trade with. He wanted nothing you had, but he was the keeper of glass panes and treated wood planks. He was an older fae male, his face weathered from harsh winters, yet he retained the youth of someone who had spent his life bathing in lakes and galloping through meadows. Knowing you couldn’t carry much through the woods, you promised to return with something of value to trade.

Returning home with your new items, you dropped them in the cabin, which remained untouched since you had left, and parsed through your bag. You found a set of hunting knives, many much too large for your purposes. The serrated one left your stomach in knots as you pushed out the memory of Anthea’s death. You wrapped them in their leather bindings and set back out to trade them. Mortus was happy with the trade, and upon your return, he packed a mule with the items you had requested. He threw in the mule because you had baked him five different breads with the fruit from the nearby bushes. He noted the mule was old and worthless, but you didn’t mind the company. You lovingly named him Clover, as he seemed to love munching on the leafy greens for hours on end. Though the day-and-a-half trip took three days due to Clover’s stubborn need to stop at every possible water source, you didn’t mind the company.

While you despised the life you had lived in the mountains, you didn’t mind the skills that came with it. You knew how to fix and mend without missing a beat, maximizing your use of nails and learning to use tree sap to seal wood slats. Within a few weeks, the cabin was almost livable. You even took an entire day to build Clover a small pen with branches, sticks, bark, and sap, hanging an oil lamp from the ceiling of the covered plank landing you had made. Clover merely watched as you dropped a pile of wood on your foot, cursing every word that came to mind as you hopped up and down. He just chewed his flowers and grunted at you for disturbing his peace and quiet.

By the time summer was in full swing, you had returned the cabin to its former glory. The roof was patched, and the glass panes of the windows were replaced with various colors. Mortus had given you the colored glass pieces at a cheaper price as he had a hard time transporting glass to and from Velaris. He mentioned going to the market every six months and offered to take you with him, but you politely declined. Your life was here now.

Though your skills in furniture building were limited, you managed to fix up the old rotten chairs for the kitchen table and crafted a small bedside table for the upper loft. Your biggest feat was creating a makeshift mattress from dried weeds and extra fabric. It wasn’t comfortable, but it was much better than sleeping on the hardwood. Your garden bloomed nicely, with zucchini and squash coming up in large batches. Berries from surrounding bushes were a happy addition to most meals.

You even conquered your squeamishness about trapping animals. You caught a few squirrels and rabbits with traps the village children taught you to create. While you still cried each time you landed a final blow, you used every part of the animal, even fashioning sewing needles from their bones to trade with the village females. You visited the village once every few weeks and became well-liked, with villagers storing items for your next return.

Your life seemed blissful. Though you couldn’t rid yourself of your mate, who still tormented you, you felt a sense of peace and self-sufficiency. However, you found it odd how shadows seemed to come and go within the cabin some nights. When evening turned the room deep purple, and you lit the oil lamps, shadows fluttered about with a mind of their own. While off-putting, it happened frequently enough with no ill effects that you almost forgot it happened at all.

In the heat of mid-August, you made another trip into the village and were met by a fae male who seemed to have taken a particular interest in you. Kai, a male about 20 years your senior, with a mop of brown hair often falling into his eyes, often accompanied you through the village, helping carry your supplies which he tied to the ever-resilient Clover. Kai had a kind face, speckled with freckles and crooked teeth, but his green eyes held nothing but kindness. He was strong from years spent working with his father chopping lumber to sell to craftsmen in the city. Kai was always willing to walk alongside you and asked after you constantly.

As you exited the cottage of Meriam, a fae female with five young children who often traded your baked goods for dried cotton, you found Kai running his hand over Clover, who seemed to almost roll his eyes at the interaction. Kai looked up at you with a lazy smile. “Hey.”

You bounded down the steps, your new boots slightly too large but lighter than your old ones. “Hi,” you smiled back.

“How are things?”

You tied the cotton sack to Clover, Kai handing you the lead. “Things are good. Just getting some stuff.”

“Want some help?” Kai asked.

You smiled, appreciating his consistent offer. “Sure.”

The two of you wandered down the dirt road, chickens running amok underfoot as Clover huffed, nearly stomping on one.

“How are things for you?” you asked him.

Kai nodded, “Good. Fished this morning, got a fairly good catch, lots of trout.”

You congratulated him on his catch.

“I’m going to cook them up tonight, if you wanted to stay for dinner.”

You considered the offer, rarely staying past early evening to make it to your first clearing to set up camp. “I don’t think I can. I have a long way home.”

Kai shrugged, his hand resting on Clover’s shoulder, which twitched away horseflies. “You could stay the night,” he offered.

You laughed, “I don’t want to put anyone out.”

“You wouldn’t be,” Kai responded. “You could stay with me. I mean, I’m offering you dinner.”

“Kai, that’s very kind of you, but—” you started.

“I’m serious, Y/N. It’s no trouble at all. Plus, then you can finally taste my fish fry instead of just hearing me brag about it.”

You considered it for a second, the back of your head ringing with uncertainty. You hadn’t slept much the last few nights, and the exhaustion was catching up. You might sleep tonight unburdened by your mate. You looked up, catching Kai’s hopeful eyes. You had declined every other offer he had made before, at least five different times, and yet his offer came up each time.

You laughed slightly, “Sure.”

Kai nearly jumped with excitement. “Really!?” he squealed out, regaining his composure. He cleared his throat, looking straight ahead. “That’s great. That’s fantastic.” He peeked over at you, and you smirked at him.

“If this fish tastes awful, though, I’m never letting you live it down,” you joked.

“You’re going to melt over it,” Kai promised. Smiling widely, he added, “Meet me in an hour?” You nodded, and he hurried off between two cottages. You shook your head, laughing to yourself. Kai knew so little of the world and seemed to have such a sense of childlike wonder. You often found him more like family than anything else. Or at least more like the odd sense of family you had created for yourself. You spent the next hour bargaining with another female who seemed unhappy with the length of your stitches in a quilt you had been working on to trade for a new sack of flour, but you finally convinced her to make the trade, promising that you would up your skill level before the next time you saw her. 

You made your way to Kai’s cottage, set farther back up on a plank platform. Tying Clover to the railing, you walked up the stairs where Kai met you at the door before you could even knock.

“Hi!” he greeted eagerly.

You smiled, “Hi.”

Kai stood there for a moment, basking in his smile before remembering to let you in. “Oh,” he stepped back, waving his arm. “Please, come in!”

You entered his small cottage, smaller than your own. A mattress was pushed into the back corner, various axes and tools were strewn about on the floor in a pile. In the middle of the room, a blanket was set on the floor with a plate of cooked fish in the center, surrounded by plates of rice, beans, cooked squash, and berries.

“You outdid yourself,” you noted, gesturing to the blanket.

Kai stood behind you, his cheeks reddening slightly. “Oh, I, uh, I don’t have a lot of company, so I just…” he stammered, “I don’t have a kitchen table, so I thought we could do it picnic style.”

You chuckled lightly, “That’s very sweet.”

Kai’s eyes brightened before he gestured to the blanket, “Please, sit.”

You did, and he hurried to the shelves next to the stove, pulling down a bottle and popping the cork off. Sitting across from you, he handed you the bottle. You pressed it to your lips and tasted the sweet blueberry wine, its tart flavor tightening the back of your mouth as you swallowed, nearly moaning with delight. You licked your lips slightly before handing the bottle to Kai, who took a drink himself.

“It’s been so long since I’ve had summer wine,” you said.

Kai took another long drink before handing it back to you. “I’ve been saving it. I got it last time I was in the city and wanted to wait for a special occasion.”

“I’m the occasion?” you asked.

Kai smirked, “Don’t flatter yourself.” He paused. “But I guess so.” He brought a fork to the fish filet still steaming on the platter and put it on your plate. “Here, try that.”

You took your fork, stabbing it through the meat that flaked away easily. The buttery smooth texture and light citrus flavor swirled on your tongue. You let out a moan, “Okay, you were right. This is delicious.”

Kai smiled, taking a bite of his own. “I told you.”

Greedily scooping another mouthful, you asked, “Where did you learn to cook like this?”

He swallowed his bite, “My mother taught me. We’d always get a big catch of fish, and then she would make this whole meal for the village.”

“I’ll have to thank her for teaching you the next time I see her,” you noted.

“Oh gods, if you ever tell her, she won’t stop talking about it. She loves you,” he laughed back.

You nodded lightly, smiling into the bite you took.

Things were always easy with Kai. He never asked questions that made you uncomfortable. He never seemed to want anything more than your time. You could joke with each other, and conversation was effortless. Time moved slower with him. The night waned as the sun set, the two of you finishing the entire plate of fish and all the sides. You both laid on the blanket, sprawling, looking up at the ceiling, laughing through hiccups as the fae wine spread through your bloodstreams.

____________________________________________________

“I swear,” Kai laughed out, “I’ve never seen him more angry.”

You coughed out a laugh, sitting up slightly. “He chased you naked through the woods?”

Kai closed his eyes, pressing his palms into them as he heaved out laughter. “I’ve never been more terrified in my life.”

“Why did he think you stole his clothes in the first place?”

Kai threw his hands up. “Fuck if I know,” he laughed. “He had it out for me from the beginning.”

“So what happened?” you asked, slurring your words.

“I climbed a tree, and he lost me,” he laughed. “He just wandered around, dick to the wind, threatening to skin me.”

You laughed at the sight of one of Kai’s friends, Liam, who often was the butt of jokes in the village but had grown into a handsome male lusted after by other village females.

“What happened after?” you asked.

Kai turned to his side, propping his head on his hand. “I waited until he left, and then when I got back home, he had thrown all my clothes into the trees.”

You guffawed, tears gathering in the corners of your eyes. You took the bottle of wine and brought it to your lips but found it empty. You turned it over and shook it, a sad frown on your face.

“Gone?” Kai asked.

You nodded.

Without knowing why, you let out a loud laugh, laying back as the bottle hit the floor. Kai smiled and started laughing too, the two of you almost howling as he looked at you. “What’s so funny?” he asked.

You managed to push out between laughs, “Your face!”

“What about my face?” he laughed.

“I can’t look at you without laughing,” you cried out, covering your own.

“What, am I that disgusting?” He punched your shoulder.

“No, you just—” you wheezed, looking at him again.

“What?” he asked, smiling widely.

You turned to him, your lips trembling as you tried to hold back laughter.

“You’re just looking at me?” Kai said.

“You have a silly face.”

Kai smiled slightly. “I have a silly face?” he taunted back.

You nodded, laughter bubbling up again.

“You’re so drunk,” he laughed.

“You’re drunk!” you pointed a finger, slightly off target.

“I know I’m drunk,” Kai responded, “and so are you. And you keep laughing at me because you’re cruel.”

“I wouldn’t be so cruel if you didn’t have such a face,” you laughed, drawing a lazy, squiggly circle around his face.

“I’m glad you find my appearance so amusing!” he laughed again, lying back on his back.

The two of you sat in a soft silence, still slightly gurgling out laughter. 

Kai turned toward you, and you giggled, tears streaming down your face. “Are you done laughing at me?”

“Are you done looking like that?”

“What do you want from me, Y/N?” He chuckled. “I can’t change my face.”

“Then I guess I’m not done laughing.”

You turned to Kai, who smiled at you as you giggled, your hands resting on your stomach, rising and falling with your laughter.

“You’re a mystery,” Kai whispered.

“Ooo, spooky,” you responded, raising your fingers and wiggling them slightly.

“No, really,” Kai said. “You come out of the woods one day, say nothing about where you’re from.” He gestured to the fish. “You steal from us—”

You cut him off, “I bartered!” You laughed.

Kai laughed with you, continuing, “Okay, you participated in barter and trade, and then you disappear into the woods. Three weeks later, you come back up here demanding more and tell us nothing of who you are.”

You tried to hold back another laugh, looking at him as Kai raised himself from the ground to sit up, his legs crossed as he leaned his head against the wall.

“What do you want to know?” you asked.

“Anything you want to tell me. You can tell me whatever story you want, just tell me a little about the mysterious female in front of me.”

You hoisted yourself up, still laughing lightly. You swiped your finger through the juice of the berries in the bowl and sucked the sweetness from it. “Well, I was born from a dragon.”

“Obviously,” Kai said, “explains the scales and fire-breathing anger.” He joked.

“Of course,” you said, “and I spent my days plundering the cities of Prythian, wreaking havoc on innocent families, and flying to mountains to protect my treasures.”

Kai smiled and nodded. “And then you were cursed by a wizard?” he asked.

You shook your head, wagging your finger. “No, no, no, a witch. It was a witch.”

“Ah, yes,” he said. “A witch cursed you to be a female for the rest of your life.”

“Cursed to live in the woods for the rest of my days, never to know the speed of the wind and the glimmer of gold.”

“A tragic tale, to be sure,” Kai smirked.

You feigned a frown. “I cry myself to sleep every night.”

Kai smiled and leaned his head back, closing his eyes.

You looked at him, his peaceful face, and felt your inhibitions lower slightly. Pushing back the incessant pounding of your mate with it, you traced the floral patterns of the blanket and cleared your throat. “No, I—” you coughed, “I was born in Velaris.”

Kai opened one eye to look at you. “A city girl,” he smirked jokingly.

You let out a small giggle. “Not for long. My mother took me out of the city when I was still really young. We found a village in the woods, kind of like this, and she raised me there.”

Kai opened both eyes and jostled his feet. “What about your father?”

You shrugged.

“He’s a bastard?” he asked.

You shrugged again, a smirk on your face as the alcohol's warmth tingled in your toes. “Don’t know, never met him!”

Kai looked at you incredulously. “You don’t know your father?”

You wiggled your nose, numb from the wine. “My mother said he wanted nothing to do with us.”

Kai looked at you more seriously. “I’m so sorry.”

“Oh,” you slapped his leg playfully, “don’t get sappy. I don’t know the guy, so it doesn’t matter. I don’t feel like I’m missing anything.”

Kai started to giggle again. “I guess that’s true. Can’t miss what you don’t know.”

You started laughing again too. “Besides, what if he’s ugly?”

Kai guffawed, pushing tears away. “Then that would explain your ass face.”

You punched him in the thigh, and he cried out, “Ow, fuck, reign it in.”

“Pussy,” you joked. Kai rubbed his leg and smiled at you. “Sorry,” you apologized.

“Well, now you owe me, as I’m wounded. So how did you get here?” Kai asked.

You felt the words fall from your mouth faster than you could stop them. “I met my mate, who was sent straight from hell,” you pointed down to the ground, “and he was so fucking mean and took everything so seriously.” Kai’s face tightened slightly. “So I ran away from him, and I watched someone die, and then I met the High Lord of the Night Court, nice guy actually,” Kai seemed to straighten slightly. “And then I said goodbye, and went into the woods, and now I’m here.”

Kai looked at you, a serious tonal shift. “You have a mate?” He stammered, and got out, “The High Lord?”

You nodded, swaying slightly as you pointed to your head. “Still can hear him up here.”

“Y/N—” Kai started.

“Ugh,” you said, leaning back, “if you’re one of those traditional fae with a stick up their ass that thinks you have to stay with your mate, I don’t wanna hear it,” you slurred.

Kai leaned forward slightly. “No, no. I guess I just, I didn’t think that mates could be cruel to each other.”

You laughed slightly. “Oh, you are very wrong.” Kai paused, unsure of what to say. “You don’t need to pity me,” you said. “I should have seen it coming. He was shitty before we accepted the bond. I don’t know why I thought it would change after we were mated.” You picked a hangnail from your thumb.

“You’re brave,” Kai noted.

Kai watched you with intense curiosity as you shook your head, turning the corners of your mouth down. “I was desperate. Bravery didn’t have anything to do with it.” Kai didn’t respond, his eyes encouraging you to continue. “When I was a child, my mother would tell me stories about mates, about fae who loved each other so deeply they felt each other’s souls dancing with their own.” You looked at the ceiling, imagining the tales your mother spun. “These fae would spend their entire lives looking in the mirror and only see half of themselves looking back.” Your eyes traced the beams above you. “And then one day, they would find their mate, and suddenly,” you snapped your fingers, “the world was whole, and every piece of you suddenly made sense.”

Kai leaned forward, captivated. “She’d tell me how colors would be more vivid, food would taste better, heat would feel hotter and cold would feel colder, and the world would feel suddenly so much larger and yet so small.” You swallowed down the lump in your throat. “She would tell me this story about how, long before the world was as it is now, where clouds were made of fire and the mountains were tall enough to scrape the sky, long before the fae existed, there were these creatures who roamed the world.”

Kai’s eyes widened with interest. “Some of them looked like two males sewn up back to back, and those were the children of the sun. And the children of the world were two females meshed together. The children of the moon were a male and female. These creatures, they would spend their days talking, reading, and learning about the world around them. They were so happy to be alive. Every day they would thank the sun or the moon or the world just for being alive.” You envisioned these beings, with four arms and legs, wandering around the barren wasteland of the world, content with each other.

“And then,” you continued, “the gods grew jealous of the bond that the creatures had with each other. They never knew loneliness, sorrow, or anger; they had no fear.” Kai listened intently, shifting slightly to lean forward on his arms. “The gods worried that the creatures would disobey them and that if they had no fear and no worry of loss, they wouldn’t hesitate to battle them. The more the creatures talked, the more they began to question the gods' power over them. So the gods decided they would split the creatures into two, just cut them down the middle.” You made a slashing motion with your hand. “And so the gods made this plan, and they filled the sky with fire and ice, and they struck fear into the hearts of these creatures. As the fire rained down, they ripped the creatures apart with giant swords. When they were all separated, they blew a giant windstorm through and scattered the creatures and their partners across the world, threatening that if they ever defied them again, they would split them again, and they would have one arm and one leg.” You laughed slightly at the image.

“My mother would say that as the creatures tried to continue to live, they spent their lives roaming the earth searching for their other half. When they had children, and time continued on, they died out, but their children still searched for the other half, like that need was buried deep inside them. As the children had children, and their children had children, and then at some point, they gave birth to the fae. We carry that same need to search for this other half. And that’s our mate. When we find them, and that bond snaps, it’s because we have finally found our other half, and it’s a tiny act of defiance against the gods who taught us to hate, fear, and be angry. But also taught us to know love. She called it the origin of love”

Kai sat back, absorbing the story. “That’s...incredible,” he said softly. “I’ve never heard anything like it.”

You smiled, a bittersweet expression crossing your face. “My mother had a way of making everything sound magical.”

Kai reached out and gently touched your hand. “She gave you a beautiful gift with those stories.”

You nodded. “I think my mother just needed something to hold onto. I think...” you paused, “I think she was a very broken woman. And that if she could find this one piece of herself then everything would come together and be fine.” You felt a tear run down your face. “She would always tell me that if I found my mate someday, the world would be right.” You brushed the tear away, the alcohol still bubbling in your blood. “So when I met my mate, I just accepted the bond right away. I didn’t even think twice about it. I didn’t think the bond could be wrong; I just thought that if I loved him hard enough, he would be kind. Or that if I was his missing piece, it would just take some time for him to settle.” You shook your head, sniffling slightly, crossing your arms over your chest. “It’s just a stupid story. She got it wrong.”

Kai scooted closer to you. “Y/N, I’m sorry.”

You shrugged. “No reason to apologize. I was a child. I was a child when she told me that story, and I was a child when I accepted that bond. And now I have to live with that choice.”

Kai shook his head, looking downwards. “Does he know?”

“Who?” You asked, looking at Kai.

“Does your mate know where you are?”

You shook your head. “If he did, he would have come to take me back by now.”

Kai sat in silence, as did you, staring at the ceiling, trying to tame the tears that rolled down your cheeks.

“You said you met the High Lord? Is there nothing he could do?” Kai asked.

“I didn’t tell him,” you paused. “It wasn’t his concern.”

“It’s not your fault, Y/N. You shouldn’t have to live with this,” Kai pleaded.

“It was a foolish mistake. And believe me, I’ve looked into ways to split the bond. It’s not feasible.”

Kai sat for a second. “And you can still feel him?”

“Every day.” You blinked away another tear. “I can feel him scraping the inside of my mind, trying to get me to come home.”

“Do you talk to him?” he asked.

“I used to. Now I’ve stopped altogether.”

Kai nodded. “It’s not fair.”

You chuckled. “Out of all the unfairness in the world, my mated mistake is the least of the problems.”

Kai shook his head. “You’re allowed to be angry. And you’re allowed to say it’s not fair.”

You raised your brows. “I know. And I am angry. But I’ve seen a lot more hurtful things than to wallow in my own suffering anymore.”

Kai crawled over to you, positioning his chest slightly above your own. “Your suffering is important to me.” You looked up at him, his hair hanging down in his face. “I may not know it myself, and I may not be able to feel it, but never in a hundred lifetimes do you deserve to be tormented.”

You opened your mouth slightly, but Kai cut you off. “I don’t want to hear you deny it. I care about you, and I wish it could be different.”

“It can’t,” you said back.

“But it doesn’t mean I can’t wish it for you. Even if you’ve stopped.”

You smiled up at him, as his green eyes traced your own. Kai didn’t say anything, merely gazing down at you, his eyes softening slightly as he took one hand and ran his fingers through your hair. And then, without thinking, you started to laugh again, uncontrollably. Kai simply rolled his eyes and rolled off you onto his back.

“You’re a child,” he scolded you. You continued to laugh until your stomach ached and at some point, Kai joined in on your laughter, bellowing out joy until the late hours of the night.

To my lovely readers, I'm not apologizing for writing men into my world that I would throw myself at immediately. Throwing feminism to the wind, I will drop everything to wife that man up. And yet, I warn you to not get attached, because the only person who can hurt you is yourself... and also me..... @thatacotargirl @mcuamerica @lilah-asteria @florabelll @fightmedraco @marvelbros-oneshots @mariahoedt @quinzzelx @romantasyreader28 @minnieoo @mysteriouslydeafeningwerewolf @annabethgranger123 @krowiathemythologynerd @scatteredstardustt @romantacyreader28 @caroline-books @slytherintaco @sevikas-whore @sidthedollface2 @405rry @sleepylunarwolf @acourtofbatboydreams @quiettuba @julesofvolterra @skylarkalchemist @darling006

[zadr-day]

Why ZaDr?

Think of every worthwhile rival ship that has ever existed; dip it in a poison coating of cynical worldbuilding, sprinkle it with a topping of shunned existence, and let the devil kiss it with a waxy pair of slimy, scifi alien lips. Only then, will you  have yourself a sample of what ZaDr has to offer. These characters are compelling in themselves; one being a bizarre and paranormal obsessed clone of Earth's greatest scientific mind, the other a malfunctioning spaztic robot ant from beyond the stars. Each of them ostracized, for one reason or another, largely by virtue of their own passionate past mistakes.Those mistakes, failed efforts to be seen as worthwhile, to be praised, to be loved. But then you set them against each other, as enemies. As mirrored foils. Neither of them in the right, gray morality reigns supreme as they are  purely obsessed with their own selfish reasons for self aggrandizement. Anything “good” that might happen as a result of their actions is always cast in the light of unintended circumstance. The true fight is with reality itself, while the sharp end of that crushing conflict is pointed towards the only one who could possibly understand what they’re going through. In the world of Invader Zim, every mentor, leader, parental figure, teacher, adult, child and Invader, feels more real by virtue of misanthropic absurdity. Their inability to provide the support and guidance for the main characters to function in a healthy way, is so very like the absence of nurturing many people feel in their youth. To anyone who has experienced life at its worst growing up, these caricatures of the real world provide a powerful sense of being seen. There is something radical about a story that isn’t written with any other moral than “ this living in society shit sucks”. That speaks to people, and continues to speak to me. ZaDr has always smacked of tragedy, in that you know things will end badly for everyone involved, but it’s still impossible to look away as everything is set ablaze. Two headstrong protagonists, locked in a battle of opposing wills and addictive delusion. It makes the sweetness sweeter, it makes the pains of grand fantasy ache deeper, knowing that these two characters are ultimately fighting losing battles for pitiful reasons.The denial of personal failure, the stubbornness to find purpose. In all of reality, all they truly have is each other. To see that dynamic and ship them is to say that love is possible even in the most dire of circumstances. Time and time again I find myself returning to ZaDr. I think something about the dynamic speaks to the part of us that knows things are wrong and that the fight against it is worthwhile. And that struggle, while futile, can still hold a tremendous amount of personal importance. It speaks to failing, and having the strength to get back up to try again. No matter the odds. For a pairing hated by its own creator, the fixation that Zim and Dib have on each other is an undeniable magnetism seen by the fandom since the launch of the cartoon, all the way back in 2001. This ship has staying power, and after over two decades has failed to fall into total obscurity.  Those touched by its effects have gone on to create resonant, deeply meaningful works. This blog, and the posts that I make on the topic, are my way of giving back to the ZaDr community. By displaying the stories of triumph and tragedy put forward by the IZ community, I hope to welcome new fans and give back to long standing fans by providing a living archive and blog space. I look forward to sharing the wonderful talents of so many artists with you all. Happy first ZaDr day of many

[bibbykins]

Moonlight Reign Ch.1

A/N: Instead of forcing myself to focus on one series at a time, I'm planning to write what sparks joy to write in the moment and post it as I go! Hopefully this will clear some wips and help me feel less disorganized lmao! Not to say I'm not working on THB, I def am I just want to have something to post as I work on THB and the bigger projects like the LWAB fics among other things! So (hopefully) I'll keep these chapters limited to 5-7k, but we'll see lol pls enjoy and send me asks I thrive on them and so does my motivation!

And a huge thank you to my wonderful B @rapline-heaux for beta-reading ily!!

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Yandere! Mafia! BTS x Reader

Words: 5.7k

Warnings: crime, sensory flashbacks, trauma, unhealthy relationships, yandere behavior not rlly in this part but soon, pining, violence, past abuse, past neglect, academic neglect, stitches, drunk Jungkook, tackling, pinning someone down, mention of open relationship, poly is the norm is this au

“It’s time to go now.” 

1, 2, 3, 4

“Five years after the fall of the underground power family, Moon Corporation, people still suspect an even more powerful company has taken their place since…”

1, 2, 3, 4

“It’s… so red…”

1, 2, 3, 4

“The exposure beheld more answers than questions, but on the five-year anniversary of the suicidal explosion that killed the head, Moon Byungyeol and his daughter, the elusive green-haired girl who was 18 at the time, colleagues mourn in secret and establishments fear an anniversary heist or something worst than last year as the date rapidly approaches…”

1, 2, 3, 4

“Locals have several theories on the big conglomerate that now controls Seoul’s business, underground and above, with the mafia organizations and gangs running rampant, people fear the government is under their thumb as well…”

1, 2- SHUT UP

You inhaled deeply as if just surfacing from the drowning body of water residing in your brain. Your fingers stilled from the tapping, a  desperate attempt to make you surface, a sorry technique your brief stint in therapy drilled into you. Maybe having nothing led to illogical personal connections with a number. Of all your training as an heir, it was the mundane basic curriculum lessons that fascinated you the most. You were never good at math, but you loved to be perplexed by the numbers. It was a humbling experience, and in your fruitless calculations, four was always the easiest to wrap your head around. Of course, you didn’t know how humbled you’d be until you were a 20 year old trying to figure out how to do middle school math. Your education left much to be desired growing up, but you still enjoyed learning. 

You used to be convinced four was too perfect of a number for such an ugly world, and though you let go of the notion with your past life, it didn’t change that it was a world you had to feign blind to now. In your youth, four was a beautiful result of a simple equation, a funny origin to big numbers. It was a warm hug among the violent reactions when you’d get questions far below your intended grade level wrong. In a world where stuffed animals were banned from your childhood room, the number four was all you had. You didn’t particularly like how pathetic that made you feel, but it didn’t change how much it helped you on days like these.

Your palms retracted from their firm placement on the wall you leaned on, relaxing you. Releasing your slightly curled fingers, you stifled a bitter laugh at the desperate attempt to grasp onto something. It was always so degrading to scrub off the marks your acrylics made along the wall, but the stiletto nails made taps loud enough to bring you back. It was an absolute mystery how the school you worked at let you get away with these. 

Your little episode was finished as you settled your mind with the news continuing to drone on. You massaged your jaw, sore from the subconscious clench you were cursed with. You blew out a sigh as you felt your face and nodded when no tears were felt. Your phone buzzed, alerting you to the time and you groaned. Your damn neighbor would be here any minute now.

Jungkook wasn’t a mean guy by any means, quite the opposite. He was extremely insistent on your well-being, so much so it bordered on doting, and such behavior made you clam up. You didn’t know how to respond to his fussing over you. Hell, you didn’t know how to respond to most interactions outside of your old family business for a long while. That was just one of the many things he taught you, and he never once lost his cool doing so. He was patient with you, and you didn’t know how to thank him for it. 

You both had been in the same class when you attended university, and while you were fine with letting your temporary acquaintanceship go no further than asking for notes or the occasional study session, he was a force to be reckoned with. You just kept running into him and when you moved here and found he was your next-door neighbor, you knew there was no getting out of it. He was going to be your friend. Although, you never understood why he wanted to be so bad. 

Cut to a whole year after you both graduated, and it still didn’t make any sense. You both were polar opposites in a lot of ways. He was the regular party boy always at clubs and coming home at ungodly hours of the night. Meanwhile, you were usually in bed by 11:00 pm and only left your apartment for the job that barely covered your rent. Needless to say, you weren't exactly a social butterfly, so if you found one friend in Jungkook, you figured it wouldn't be such a crime.

However, having Jungkook as a friend meant having a weekly dinner with him as he mooched off of your TV and you mooched off of the food he paid for. It was an even enough exchange. Plus, it was nice to talk freely, or well, as free as you've ever been able to, even if just for a little bit.

You faced the mirror, patting down your hair, thankful for how much healthier it was without the cheap dye job you had done yourself when you were 14, “That green didn’t suit me at all,” You mused, fixing your hair, “Plus it nearly ruined my hair.” You murmured to no one in particular, keeping track of your speeding thoughts as you settled back into Earth. 

Jungkook knocked on the door and you nodded to yourself, “It’s open!” You called and sat down at the table as he walked in, take-away bags in his hands.

“You really shouldn’t leave your door open like that, you know.” He tsked like he always did. It just made sense to leave it unlocked when you knew he was coming, especially if you needed to run to the bathroom so you could finish crying before facing him. Of course, you haven't had to do that in a while, but better safe than sorry. Your issues, for lack of better term, were no secret to Jungkook, and you both knew it, but you liked to avoid having him see you at your most vulnerable when you could help it.

You simply shrugged as you helped him unpack the food, “We’re the only ones on the top floor.” You reminded him, “it would be quite silly of a criminal to come all the way up to the 20th floor.” You chided.

“Still.” He tried to argue but quickly gave up. Jungkook knew by now that you could take care of yourself, but sometimes you wished you’d let him do it for you more often. However, he let this potential argument go, this time. He looked around and narrowed his gaze at the TV, “Why do you still have the news on?” 

You paused and looked up from your food as it prattled on about your family, “I guess I forgot,” You forced your casual tone, “Did you get-”

“Syndicates, huh…?” He echoed the news reporter’s words, eyes fixated on the screen with a curious look, “The news is so weird with this stuff.”

The chopsticks in your hand stilled. You wanted to say that the syndicates were even weirder since they were the ones that probably signed off on the script. As a little girl, that was the first thing you had learned, how to play chess outside on a park bench, how to play chess crushing people in your hands as you moved them. It had all been the same to you for far too long. 

“Like I care, it’s just background noise.” A lie, you hated lying, but it was something you had to get used to doing for the sake of your safety.

“You aren't scared of these guys at all?” Jungkook looked at you like you were crazy, although his eyes didn't match the rest of his face's intensity.

Shaking off the weird notion, you rolled your eyes, “A world without you buying me dinner is pretty spooky but that,” You gestured to the TV, “Is a cheap haunted house in comparison to the hell of making dinner or worse, ordering it myself, on a Friday night.” You giggled.

Jungkook rolled his eyes with a scoff, “Is that all I am to you? A sugar daddy?” He asked in mock offense and you nearly spit out your drink.

You swallowed roughly before glaring at him as he laughed, “If you’re my sugar daddy, I need a new one.” You retorted and his laugh died while a childish pout settled on his face, “I mean, all I get is a measly dinner once a week and I still have to work and pay my bills?” 

“Well, what do I get, huh?” He crossed his arms, and it made you chuckle. Laughter had never come easy to you growing up, and it still had a hard time coming to you but after years by Jungkook’s side it was easier than ever to do, “Where’s my sugar?” He thrusted his cheek toward you, tapping on it with his index finger.

You rolled your eyes in spite of the flutter in the pit of your stomach and pushed his face away with your index finger, “My presence is your sugar, dummy.” You teased and how easy it was to be human around him made you smile wider, “Plus I let you watch your silly little shirtless men.” 

He clicked his tongue, “First of all, if you’re going to call them shirtless men, at least call them hot because look at him.” He pressed a button on your remote and his favorite fighter, Park Jimin filled the screen, “Second of all, it’s literally fewer syllables to just say MMA fights.”

You took a bite of your food and shrugged, “Don’t you have, like, a million boyfriends? Wouldn’t you make them jealous drooling all over Jimin?” You challenged, vaguely remembering Jungkook saying he had more than three boyfriends at some point. Not that it was surprising, most people had at least two significant others. Unless they were you, of course. You had no one to talk to but the man sitting in front of you, forget about a significant other. “He would make me pretty damn insecure.” You chuckled.

Jungkook scrunched his brows at you, “Six.” He corrected, mirth filling his eyes already.

You looked from the TV to him, “Hm?” You tilted your head to the side.

“I have six boyfriends, thank you very much.” He stated matter-of-factly, and you rolled your eyes at his tone, “Why? Are you trying to give me seven significant others?” He feigned a scandalous gasp, “Well, the relationship is open, you know, so I guess I could pencil you in–” You cut him off by shoving a piece of chicken in his mouth with a glare. The teasing made your chest seize for a split moment when faced with his teasing smirk, so this had been the best way to shut him up. 

Jungkook had always been a flirt, he often relished in teasing you to see how embarrassed you would get. Thankfully, over the years you had gotten used to it. You had already known his relationship was open since he mentioned how often they’re all apart, but you didn’t care to entertain that kind of intimacy with Jungkook even in your thoughts these days. It was just better that way.

“Ha, ha, we got a comedian.” You deadpanned and before you could say anything else, something on the screen caught your eyes, “What the fuck?” You mumbled.

“What?” Jungkook inquired as he looked at the TV, swallowing the food you fed him.

The camera had panned over the crowd and over an eerily familiar face poorly covered with sunglasses. The etching of a scar peeking out of the cheap frames told you all you needed, though. That was your uncle. 

What the hell was he doing showing his face? Let alone this close to the five-year anniversary of everything. The new syndicate in charge took great joy in celebrating the fall of your family, no doubt they’re itching for someone to make an example of someone. Worry tried to leak its way into your veins, but you fought it. Why should you care about him? If he wanted to sign his death certificate, that was on him.

Still, the sight of a man you were almost positive you’d never see again made you feel uneasy. You’d acclimated to regular life quite well, so one of the few remnants of your past life appearing like a ghost was ominous. In spite of your unease, you couldn’t look away. Almost as if you were waiting for him to poof away. You kinda wished he would. 

The camera changed and you finally blinked.

“N-Nothing.” You finally said, shaking your head, “I just thought I recognized someone, that’s all.” Your hands trembled for the briefest of moments as you lifted food to your mouth.

“Oh really, who?” Your only friend asked curiously and you shrugged as you chewed.

“Just some teacher that called in today.” You lied and it made your food taste sour for a moment. It was for the best you lied, you had to keep reminding yourself of that. 

“Hell, I’d call in too if it meant I could see the fight live.” You were thankful Jungkook dropped the topic and let your shoulders relax. You shouldn’t feel bad for lying, really. An unspoken rule between you both was that you never pried about private details. Jungkook led his life and you led yours. Hell, you don’t even know what he does for a living, but it wouldn’t surprise you if it was living off of his boyfriends’ income. Not to mention you didn’t even know if he lived with anyone else next door or if that was just a place of his own to use on occasions. Though, you couldn’t help being a little jealous at the idea of being so pampered. 

“Yeah, I could go for a silly little shirtless man fight on occasion.” You shrugged with a cheeky grin. 

“Silly?!” Jungkook guffawed, “I’ll have you know if he wins this fight, he’ll qualify for the championship, so this is pretty high stakes.” He toted his knowledge of the sport.

“Hasn’t he already been champion like a few times now?” You asked, barely following.

“Yeah, but, he’s been off his game this season for… personal reasons, so he’s never been this close to not qualifying.” He admitted, and your brows scrunched at the melancholy in his eyes. 

“Damn.” You mustered, “How do you know all this?” You asked, genuine curiosity lighting your eyes.

Suddenly, Jungkook’s cheeks reddened as he tore his eyes from you, “Interviews and stuff, you know.” He waved his hand dismissively and you rolled your eyes. 

“Nothing wrong with being a fanboy.” You chided, “I’m certainly in no place to judge.” You offered, reminding him of your fixation on TV dramas, making him snort before you both honed in on the TV.

These fights were quite fascinating and allowed you to at least tap into some of your training. It was how you knew that Jimin was going to win this fight from the first calculated punch, his form was immaculate and instead of going for the face, he drove his fist into his opponent’s ear. It was a dirty trick, but it was more than enough to give him an opening. 

“Holy shit, I think he might win this.” The fanboy across from you breathed. 

“No way he isn’t going to win.” You confirmed.

“Don’t get my hopes too far up.” He all but squeaked out, basically on the edge of his seat.

After a couple of rounds and idle chitchat, the fight ended with Jimin as the victor. You clapped lightly, but Jungkook was so elated he hugged you as he let out a celebratory roar. The first couple of times he did this shocked you so bad your hands almost went to snap his neck. Now that you were both years into the friendship though, the gesture just made you chuckle. Soon after, just like it did every match, Jungkook’s phone vibrated and he had to leave. He always left you with some kind of affection and this time it was a kiss on the cheek, a rare one, but not a huge step from the common forehead kisses he gave you.

“Don’t drink too much.” You warned and he flashed you a cheeky smile, “At least don’t get into trouble.”

“We’ll see.” He chuckled,  and you rolled your eyes.

“Well then don’t make it my problem!” You yelled and he waved a hand as he closed your door behind him. 

—

“Father?” You whimpered as a strong hand patted your head to calm you, or soften the blow of what was to come, you couldn’t quite tell, “Tell me you didn't.” Your voice was in shambles as you trembled beneath his palm.

The news mocked you as panic took a hold of your body, shaking it out of the shred of blissful ignorance you had clung onto. Ever since your father took you in, you had many responsibilities, but the comfort of not needing to keep up with the public facade kept you going. You hated the public, all the pleasantries, and honeyed words. None of it made sense, and now, now you felt foolish for not involving yourself more. For not ensuring that something like this could never happen and crumble the only world you’ve known. 

Still, even as despair monopolized your nerves, a tear wouldn’t fall. You weren’t sure if you knew how to shed them, but you knew it would only piss off your father. 

Moon Byungyeol was a rough man and calling him father teetered between feeling genuine and like a formality. He was a boss first, but sometimes he wore the mask of a dad. Sometimes, but it was enough times with enough gusto that you couldn’t tell which side of him best represented his true self– or if he even had a truthful bone within himself. 

He may have been rough, but he was all you had. He and the family he brought you into had been your first priority all your life, even when you had never really been his priority at all.

Not unless you could be used as currency. 

“Y/n, it's time for us to go,” His voice was somber, but even. You’d never seen him so outwardly upset, but even so, he didn’t so much as let his eyes water as his life’s work shattered before his eyes. He was left with a subdued longing as he looked at the TV, melancholic defeat infecting his usually strong posture, “I let this greed consume me, and I'm afraid it's begun eating not just me alive now.” He admitted and it made you feel ill. 

“...such evidence is linking the Moon Corporation to heinous organized crime activities painting them as a possible syndicate, but no arrests have been made nor has a formal criminal investigation on Moon Byungyeol himself been launched, but many workers under the company are being investigated due to possible involvement…”

Everything was dying. The realization that everything you did, all the lives you took, all the training you had suffered through, had never been for some prosperous empire you were promised. All of it had been to supply the lining of your father’s and uncle’s pockets. You should’ve been angry, shocked, or even appalled, but you weren't. You were numb to the fact that you were raised on lies. Fear resided in your veins about what that meant for you. 

“If I just cash out and retire, we could never live in peace,” He shook his head as he switched off the TV before he placed his hands on your shoulder, catching your attention, “But Uncle Byungjoo has a plan that I think might just work.” You swallowed hard at this. Anything Byungjoo could think seldom meant good things for you. On your best days with him, you were a mere afterthought, but on the worst days– most days– you were–”The only thing is that you and I will have to… separate…”

He was going to abandon it. No, he was going to abandon you. The only thing more pitiful than your fear had to be your shock. What reason did you truly have to be surprised that he was throwing you away just as easily as he picked you? He was going to cash out one last time, and leave like this whole operation meant nothing to him. All the while you had put an inkling of faith in his heart to love this empire, like a fool. At the very least, it was the closest thing to love that you knew. This entire place was all you knew. When was the last time you had gone out on your own as anything but his daughter?

“But…” Your mouth was woefully dry, “The empire, just like you said, it’s-”

“We were never an empire,” His self-loathing clung to each word and disgust curled in your stomach as you looked at his solemn face, “I treated this organization as a bank, a money maker, it was inevitable that the paper I cradled would catch fire.” The roundabout way he was speaking began to grate at your nerve. The pseudo-poeticism of his words did nothing to save his dignity, but you didn’t tell him that. 

You didn't scream, yell, or cry. 

At least you hadn't, yet.

“Then who will rule Seoul?” You wondered aloud.

“That’s not my problem anymore.” He said as if it were the easiest thing to come to terms with.

“Who will stay with me?” You asked meekly, immediately regretting it as you watched his previous words dance on his lips before he decided against it.

He smiled warmly at you and it brought a chill down your spine, “Some of us are meant to be alone.” He patted your shoulder and you wanted so badly to break into pieces from the impact. 

No one would stay with you. Not him, not anyone, and he didn't care.

That wasn't the answer you had hoped for. You hung your head in shame, shame that you expected anything other than a cold answer from a man on fire. The request for him to just kill you was on the time of your tongue before he turned around, ready to attend his last hurrah.

////

You woke up with a start from a bang outside, but considering the fact that it was 4 am, you chalked it up to city noise. Now awake, you stared at the ceiling and blew out an annoyed sigh. You were constantly plagued with flashbacks both in and out of your dreams, and you wished the rancid memories would choose one state of consciousness to haunt you in. Your therapist a couple of years back told you it's normal for people who have gone through what you have to constantly see what you were then in trying to dissect where you are now. Essentially, it was a constant cloud that hung over your head, and no matter how far you removed yourself from that life, its consequences would stay etched into your skin.

Another bang sounded outside your window and you grimaced. Anniversary week was beginning, and you felt more on edge than usual.

Five years ago exactly, you saw the match light. In four days, it will have officially been five years since you saw the flames engulf your home, your family, and everything you were. Each year, this week was chaos for the city of Seoul. Each day was accompanied by an event that slowly grew more and more above ground. It was almost mocking the past, the surfacing of dirty secrets. Secrets the world knew, but never wanted to see, cowards.

The new syndicate at the top of the kingdom was known as Bangtan to the underground scene, but with a “Group” tacked on after the ominous name, they were also the kings of the business world. They were much better at actually hiding their identities, hence why most average people assumed there was no such syndicate anymore or that the “law” took care of it. As if the “law” wasn’t under the thumb of the kings. 

Even so, your information could very well be outdated. The whispers from the underground, also known as the Underworld or even more to the point, Hell, reached your ears less and less as you removed yourself from the lives of anyone who knew who you were. No longer working at the diner your previous nanny ran shut you off from the underground so much so you seldom became aware of Anniversary Week’s events until two days before the main event. 

Another bang, but this time on your door, startled you out of your thoughts, “I can’t believe you went to the bar on a day like today- where are your keys?!” An unfamiliar voice spoke through your door.

“Ask, y/n,” Jungkook’s slurred voice rang out in a yell as you flinched at the volume, “Y/n! I need stitches!” 

This wasn't the first time Jungkook was yelling outside your door, demanding your assistance. This was just another facet of your friendship that you both silently agreed was fine. You never really asked questions, you just patched him up and left him on your couch. It really wasn't any of your business, nor did you have any desire for it to be. Jungkook was an MMA fan, and you knew he was big on that scene and the fitness scene, so it just made sense he would get into fights. You could only hope these fights were agreed upon prior to alcohol, but you weren't naive enough to actually assume that was the case.

“This isn’t even your door, baby, come on.” The voice grunted and your attention peaked. You had encountered a few men trying to help Jungkook home, but you seldom got such an obvious confirmation of their relationship with him, “What? Are you trying to booty call your neighbor?” The unknown man teased and you rolled your eyes. Were they all like this?

“I wish!” Jungkook shouted in response and you were fine with leaving your door closed this time until he spoke, “Ew, I’m dripping on the doormat.”

This made you huff as you hopped out of bed in your large t-shirt and shorts and ripped the door open. You were faced with a man with perfectly styled black hair in a three-piece suit accompanied by a trashed Jungkook with a short, but deep, cut on the corner of his forehead. The man that looked a few years older than you and Jungkook stopped struggling with your neighbor as he looked at you with the most pristine and exasperated face.Everything about this man was polished. Even as your neighbor lazily draped around the man, his suit had barely begun to wrinkle. 

Meanwhile, he looked you up and down with contempt before sighing, “Look, just forget we were-”

“Y/n!” Jungkook cheered before he passed out.

“No booty calls here, sorry.” You remarked flatly, “He usually keeps his keys in his wallet for some reason.” You nodded to his pocket before you looked at his forehead again, “But he does need stitches.” You opened your door a little more, gesturing for them to come in.

The man narrowed his eyes at you, “Do you usually play nurse for him?” You bit your tongue and swallowed his condescending tone with a sigh. You couldn’t tell if he was jealous at the thought of his boyfriend having some neighbor who treats his wounds in the dead of night or if he simply didn’t like you. Although looking at his face, there was no way this man was jealous of you. His gaze was sharp nonetheless, sharp and vaguely familiar, but his eyes held no recognition for you, so you let it go.

“Only when his blood is dripping on my doormat, for the third time this month,” You pointed to the sullied mat that you had just cleaned fully this week, “Bring him in, this isn’t that uncommon-” 

“But-” He tried to object, noticeably a little clammy at the unspoken knowledge of their relationship. 

“Any more blood on that mat and I'm making you pay for it, now come on,” You snapped as he walked in and sat Jungkook in a chair around your table. You shut the door as you pulled your first aid kit out, “You have to sit him on the floor or the couch.”

He complied to the couch, and though he didn’t say anything, you could see the question floating around his mind.

“When he wakes up, he attacks whoever is in front of him,” You spoke, preparing the needle and thread, and you had to ignore the curiosity peaking within you when you saw the other man shift uncomfortably at your comment,  “And I can't stitch and hold him down at the table,” You explained, settling your knees to lock on both sides of Jungkook’s legs and your elbows pressing on his shoulders.

“Aren't you scared he'll hurt you?” The man asked as you began stitching.

You scoffed, “I can play scared if that's what you want, but certainly not for free.” You chuckled, but he remained straight-faced. Tough crowd. You worked very hard to develop your banter skills these past five years, but he paid them no mind making your smile drop. 

Eventually, you just went on stitching in silence until the man broke the silence, “Who are you?” The man spoke mid-way through your stitching.

You paused for a moment, “Didn't you hear Jungkook? I’m y/n, and who are you?”

“None of your concern,” He clipped.

You snorted a chuckle, “You're bleeding on my hardwood floor, that has me pretty concerned.” You gestured to your hand to show him the small cut on his and he slowly grabbed a napkin to press against his hand with his mouth in a thin line, “Concerned for my floor I mean.” You clarified, “But a word of advice? If you don’t want to be suspicious of you, don’t act suspicious.” 

He sighed, “My name is Namjoon-”

You were tying the final knot when Jungkook snapped his eyes open, “Shit.” Was all you were able to get out. He immediately dove at you, pushing you to the floor, making the needle in your hand scratch your forearm before you threw it across the room to avoid the tempting notion of stabbing him with it. You sucked in a breath through your teeth at the burning sensation while you struggled to shake him out of it. 

It didn’t take a genius to deduce why Jungkook’s fight or flight was so concentrated, he’d obviously grown up with a reason to be. Nevertheless, it has never been your place to pry or judge, if anything, it’d be quite hypocritical. He'd seen you in a less-than-ideal mental state plenty of times, to put it lightly. Plus, you knew he didn’t mean any harm, and he was always pretty apologetic after the fact. Although, you were sure the struggle looked pretty concerning as you saw Namjoon scramble to his feet. 

Namjoon was trying to find an opening to cut in between the battle as Jungkook was sloppily throwing his fist down and you were moving your head to dodge each blow. Though his moves were sloppy, they were still fast and you could only dodge for so long. With no other option left, you sighed before slamming your forehead on his fresh stitches to make him stop to register the pain. You took advantage of the opening as you effortlessly pinned his arms down with your knees planted on his upper arms, “Jungkook!” You snapped as Namjoon watched his younger friend finally recognize you in his drunken haze.

“Y-Y/n?” He questioned, his tongue thick in his mouth, “You hurt my head- hey, you’re bleeding on my shirt!”

Your arm had a scratch about half the length of your forearm, it was shallow and oozing blood, but you didn’t flinch, “Wonder who made me hurt both my arm and their head, dumbass,” You muttered, examining his stitches to make sure the impact didn’t affect the new suture, “And you got your blood on my doormat and my forehead, so let’s call it a draw.” You grunted as you fixed the suture.

The sight of someone towering over his boyfriend after headbutting them made Namjoon on edge. Jungkook talked for days and days about how much he loved spending time with his neighbor, but something was… off about you. Why would a school nurse be that skilled in combat? Jungkook was a ruthless fighter and you hardly flinched. 

This string of thoughts prompted his mistake of grasping your wounded forearm to make you stand so he could properly question you. What he didn’t calculate in that movement was the fact that he grasped your fresh cut, which hurt like a bitch. This pain made you bring your other forearm to his neck, pressing firmly into his trachea as his back hit the wall with a bang. You both looked at each other in surprise at your reflex. You gasped softly before releasing him, “Don’t ever manhandle a lady, Namjoon,” You mumbled as you brought distance between the two of you, “I don’t do well being frightened.”

Namjoon regained his composure, impressed by your reaction time and ability to weaken his pride in such a short matter of seconds, “Who are you?” His tone was rougher in comparison to when he first asked the question.

“None of your concern,” You mocked his voice cartoonishly, becoming more and more irritated with his line of questioning, “Now take him, an alcohol pad, and go.” You hissed, unceremoniously tossing the package at him.

He gave you a sharp glare but complied, hauling Jungkook over his shoulder and leaving.  The door shut and you let a relieved sigh escape you. You shut your eyes tightly, frustrated that you let your instincts take over like that. Namjoon was undoubtedly suspicious and that’s the last thing you needed. You opened your eyes and caught sight of the clock nearing 5 am, and it was a Saturday now, so you were going to sleep in as much as you could.

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Masterlist

[jjkamochoso]

JJK Characters and Songs that fit their Love Lives

Warnings: none, but some lyrics in the songs are a bit suggestive!! Also I’m mostly just an anime watcher so if this info isn’t up to date on what’s going on in the manga I’m sorry!!

Choso: I Wanna Be Yours by the Arctic Monkeys

Choso would do anything for his partner and would also be absolutely obsessed with them!! He would try to prove his worth at every given second and acts of service is for sure his love language. He’ll be anything his partner want him to be, as long as they call him theirs.

Gojo: Boombastic by Shaggy

Y’all already KNOW this is Satoru’s jam!! He’s a chill dude that lives to please his partners, romantically and otherwise. Smooth like silk and can take rejection like a champ (though, let’s be real, who’s rejecting him?), he is Mr. Lover Lover!!

And here’s a more serious one for him because I feel like people sometimes only focus on silly Gojo

Gojo Pt. 2: Hanging By a Moment by Lifehouse

Even though he has a happy go lucky side that usually shows, Satoru is a man that feels and cares so deeply. I feel like this song represents the part of him that’s trying to find himself beyond being a strong jujutsu sorcerer and the right partner could help him through those anxieties. He would want a partner to live in the moment with him and be the missing pieces to each other’s puzzles.

Geto: Roll to Me by Del Amitri

Suguru, though he’s been through a loooot, still has a good heart imo. He would be there wholeheartedly for the person he wants to date. Like in the song, he’d be there day or night to talk or be ready to support the person whenever something goes wrong.

Shoko: My Friends Over You by New Found Glory

I had a younger Shoko in mind when I chose this song but I feel like it still kinda applies to older Shoko as well. If she was seeing someone, it most likely would be low commitment and not that serious. Her friends come first, always. If her partner was dragging her down and boring her, she’d have no problem cutting them off asap!

Nanami: My Heart I Surrender by I Prevail

If there’s one thing I associate with Kento, it’s YEARNING. Yearning for a life he truly wanted, yearning for the safety of the youth. Would it be fair to assume his love life follows that pattern? He wouldn’t know if the person he liked returned his affection but that wouldn’t stop him from giving away his whole heart as he waited for the answer.

Yuji: The Way You Are by Babe Patrol

Yuji is great for this song. He holds strong conviction for doing what’s right and is always supporting those around him. As seen with Yuko, he appreciates people as they are and doesn’t expect them to change or conform to arbitrary standards. He would love his partner for being completely, unabashedly themselves.

Nobara: Wake Me Up Before You Go Go by WHAM!

Nobara is filled with fun energy and loving (in her own way) vibes so using one of the literal meanings from this song, I would think she’d be so down to go dancing with her partner! I could also see her complaining of a fast heart rate around her crush since she’s always hyped up and being around that person certainly wouldn’t help.

Megumi: And I Love Her by Kurt Cobain

Megumi is a straightforward, low key moody, no nonsense man so this song is perfect for him. It doesn’t dance around feelings at all and tells the audience like it is—a love between him and his partner will never die.

Panda: The Power of Love by New Found Glory

Panda has endless amounts of love for his friends and I know he believes in the power of love, 100%. He’s surrounded by it every day—Yaga, his classmates, even his teachers. Panda has a lot of love to give and isn’t afraid to show it!

Maki: SUGAR by Brockhampton

This song has a lot of lyrics that mention not needing anyone help and being able to do things individually and that’s Maki’s core belief. However, there are some mentions of learning to be okay leaning on a partner and I think that’s how she’d be. If she ever opened up to a partner, it would have to be her and them against the world forever.

Toge: Josie by Blink 182

Inumaki would need a partner who was there for him, no matter what. Someone who would laugh at his jokes, because let’s be honest, he’s hilarious, and someone who would bring him food just because they remembered his order. He would also love someone who shares the same crazy sleep schedule he has so if they were up at 3am watching “Vacation,” like mentioned in the song, that would be his dream.

Yuta: All 4 Love by Color Me Badd

This whole song SCREAAAMS YUTA!!! This certified lover boy would do anything for his partner and be their knight in shining (white) armor (jacket). He would never fail to tell his partner how lucky he is to have them and how attractive they are as well!!

Todo: She’s So High by Tal Bachman

I am 1000% convinced Todo would treat his partner like royalty and hold them in the highest regards. His passion for literally everything is unmatched and I absolutely expect to see that in his love life. Like in the song, he would equate his partner to icons like Cleopatra and Aphrodite because he thinks so highly of them.

Mai: I’m Thru With Love by Marilyn Monroe

Mai is definitely through with love. I feel like she’d fall in love once and completely give up the idea of finding someone else if it didn’t work out. She can’t stand being vulnerable and warm to others so this song is high key perfect for her.

Noritoshi: If I Could Ride a Bike by Park Bird/Chevy

Noritoshi deserves better!! There, I said it!! My boy doesn’t get enough love and that’s reflected in this song choice. The pressure to be a perfect member of the Kamo clan is a lot for him and having a partner that fits those same standards to be accepted is impossible so he’s left imagining what it would be like to love and be loved. I think he would want nothing more than to wake up and see his partner’s smiling face looking back at him and be able to go on carefree adventures with them.

Kokichi: Heaven, Iowa by Fall Out Boy

Poor Kokichi :(( I went a bit literal with the relation of the lyrics “scar crossed lovers” since his whole body was littered with messed up skin but I do feel like this song captures his vibe well. I feel like he wouldn’t ask anything of his partner and would just be beyond grateful he finally had someone there for him. He was doomed from birth with his heavenly restriction, thus having a dark outlook on life and further relating to the lyric “kiss my cheek, baby please, would you read my eulogy?” since I think he would like his partner to be there for him even after his death.

Miwa: Everywhere by Michelle Branch

I feel like Miwa is a hopeless romantic so she would relate to this song in that no matter what she does, it relates to her partner. No matter if it’s closing her eyes to sleep or keeping her partner in her thoughts wherever she goes, Miwa has a big heart and just needs to be hugged!

Momo: One Love by It’s Benzzo

I don’t know much about Momo but I know she can’t stand sexism so her partner would have to be open minded and kind, never failing to make her smile. She would just want someone to treat her right!

Yuki: Kiss Me by Sixpence None the Richer

This is the perfect song for Yuki imo. She seems like a flirtatious girl and would love a partner that went all out in romance for her. I think she’d like to get dressed up and then get swept off her feet every date night. Telling her partner to kiss her under the stars would be a great way for her to end the night!

[strongermonster]

this is a really weird thing to complain about perhaps + has a really simple fix of "why don't you just switch banks then bc no one cares??"

but last year (maybe the year before?) my bank switched from a very conservative navy blue, berry red, and steel grey colour scheme that had a sort of feel of professional detachment to it that i've come to associate with dry corporate things like banking, to this "fun" new thing that's lime green and hot pink, with (mostly) light grey text on dark grey backgrounds, and uses exclusively black and white pictures of Attractive Diverse Youths of an Indeterminate Age Doing Fun Millennial-Appealing Non-Banking Activities to try and jazz it up, and i... i don't... hate it, but it feels... wrong?

it feels too very specifically engineered. calculated. like, you're a bank. you're a financial institution owned by a larger one that has all the money in the world and does not care to help a single soul with it, but you know it doesn't matter because we're stuck with you anyways.

"free spirited photography" "old-fashioned competition" "energetic black-and-white imagery" why does it feel like they're trying to convince me of something?? this is like a new wave social media app that hasn't figured out how manipulative phrasing has worked yet.

the whole thing feels disingenuous and tacky. they're an online only bank, so they're trying to appeal to millennials and younger by being Hip and Cool with the Youths, but it just feels sour. reminds me a bit of 'they live (1988)'-ish, or when you get a new job and they're like "we're a family here! 🥰" and everything is really sleek and buzzfeed/tech startup-esq and counter-productively techy in a really inhuman way and you end up getting fired over zoom by a bohemian chic hr woman wearing fashion glasses she doesn't need with bangles that jingle the entire time she gesticulates while telling you she's really-really sorry your mom has cancer, but you did break company policy by taking 10 days off this year 😢

also when i say "i don't hate it" i mean uhm. if this was the kind of colours and imagery that someone was using to promote a community-based event that involved interacting with other people, i would find it enjoyable and engaging. but there's something about it being used to encourage engagement with an app designed to take my money that makes me feel uhh well all of the above i guess.

i don't know. corporations have more access to us on a deeply personal level than ever before, so when i see things like this it makes me nervous to think about how many greedy corporate execs sat in a room workshopping the best way to seem like Your Cool Friend like some sort of shapeshifting social parasite. but maybe i'm just paranoid.

[80s4life]

Pawns”

Word Count: 4,522

Status: Requested!

Ask: Pleeeeeaase write more of Cal from titanic. Literally any prompt I’m so hungry😭

Ask #2: Pleasee could we have more cal hockley content, specifically more chapters for "the things I've never done" and even more short stories if you have the time, I love your work 💕 [THANK YOU SM! I WAS STARTING TO GET SELF CONSCIOUS OF MY WORK AGAIN]

Ask #3 will have an attachment to a separate Cal fic as well, so no request will be shown here until that one.

@: Three cutie pie nonnies!

Relationship: Caledon “Cal” Hockley x Female!Reader

Fandom: Titanic 1997

Summary: Thrusted into the roaring 20′s, all you wanted to be was free and outgoing as all the booming women in city. However, your father’s deal with the devil seals your fate in the hands of your advisor and boss, Caledon Hockley; a man who is haunted by memories, stubborn in his ways, and opposed to the newfound strength in the young women of America. You’re a slave at his will in his eyes, yet you’re just as free as the new reformed women in your own. You’re stuck at a standstill in this endless game of chess, but who’s the pawn?

Warnings: forbidden, early 1900′s morals and customs, Reader is a maid, Cal is the head of the house, Post-Titanic sinking, mature language, kinda spicy, PTSD, domestic violence (included in a PTSD episode ONLY), Kind of a Beauty and The Beast AU for inspiration

{gif is not mine, credit goes to @locke-writes​}

It was all an act of practicality from the start: your father owed his father money and he had a set of nimble hands to rid himself of. 

Nathan Hockley was a millionaire who dealt in the steel tycoon business in Pittsburgh. Your father had a habit of gambling with the wrong people, which had allegedly caused your father to have an uncomfortable run-in with the powerful man. Unable and too stubborn to do so, your father handed you off as a way of reparation for the damage the bastard had caused.

Nathan’s son, Caledon Hockley, was the exact replica of his father. He was cunning, stubborn, powerful and wealthy; a disrupting mixture of facets that could either lift or crush you with a simple snap of a finger. He was dangerous, among many of his other qualities, which made your business in the Hockley’s presence just that much harder.

With the pandemonium that followed the sinking of the Titanic in 1914, the physical and mental effects had taken ahold of Nathan’s deeply treasured and only son, practically keeping him on house arrest until he was “better”. However, to both Nathan and Caledon’s dismay, 6 years had done nothing for his declining health, the reasoning behind why Nathan had administered you into Caledon’s household in the first place.

All of these events have led you up to this point, your suitcase rolling behind you as one of the many maids in the manor lead you up to your room to unpack. You haven’t seen this young and precarious man yet, but something is telling you that you most likely don’t want to. You are soon to be given your list of instructions to follow immediately and precisely; left to your own devices to either stay afloat or drown in the fury of the Hockley men.

Maria, a young maid in her 20′s, around your age, approaches you with a pure and youthful grin, a light blush to her cheeks. Her hair is cut into a cropped bob of black hair with short but soft curls, her lean frame with modest green eyes making her endearing - intoxicating. “You must be Miss Y/L/N?” her cutesy, high pitched voice only adding to her allure and picturesque innocence.

“Yes, that’s me,” you mutter, displaying your hands as if to show yourself off in sarcasm.

“No need to be so glum!” she giggles, bowing her head to catch your eyes and raise your line of sight. “I’m Maria Espinosa, but I’d assume the least you’d want right now is formalities.”

You snort, but let her continue nonetheless.

“I’ve your instructions - written myself, of course!” she smiles brightly; any harder and she might break her face. “As you know, with your appointment into this manor, the rest of the faculty will be let off, per Nathan Hockley’s request. But, don’t fret, the list is simple, short and can last all day without having to pay too much mind. Every Tuesday and Thursday, there will be a grocer that will restock the cabinets, refrigerator, etc. and help you with the cleaning. You are not to touch the east wing and only reside within the west - this will help eliminate the messes to clean and prevent extra exertion-”

“Sorry, if I may be crude, why are we not to go in the east wing?” you ask, curiosity getting the best of you.

“It was...” Maria drifts off, choosing her words lightly, “After the accident in 1914, the east was torn by his own hands. It was once used for balls and such, but after the Titanic,” she whispers the name as if someone might hear her, “Caledon was bedridden and sick, upset, angry, any emotion in the book. He used that wing as a way to let those emotions out.”

You stay silent as you stare at her with morbid curiosity and fear, nodding once before returning your attention to the list. The rest seems easy, not like the job was ever hard to begin with, just an annoyance for better words. 

Maria clears her throat, “Anyway, you must make at least two meals a day, mainly breakfast and dinner, both at 8 am and 8 pm. Caledon might decide not to have lunch some days, but if he does, make sure it is brought to him by 12 pm. He doesn’t like tardiness, so as long as you follow the rules as tightly as you can, you won’t be a target. Any questions?”

“No, no. I’d presume you’d want to be heading out?” you smirk at her mischievously and instantly watch as her taut muscles relax.

“Very much so, yes! It’s been forever since I’ve had a moment of freedom.”

“Well, don’t let me keep you, I’m sure I’ll be fine,” you shoo her off playfully. This is your family’s mess to clean, the least you can do is let her be free of the shackles that are now passed down and chained to your ankles. 

Maria is halfway through the door when she turns to you from the foyer, “I’ll do a monthly checkup to make sure everything is in line, and for a little company in your lonesome, okay?”

You smile gratefully, hands coming up to play with your nails, “Thank you, you’re very kind. Though, I don’t want to be a burden.”

“A burden? You just gave me my freedom!” she exclaims, laughing as she waves a hand. “I’ll be back by the end of the month! Settle in and enjoy the quiet!”

The moment the door slams shut, your shoulders droop heavily. Your eyes scan the spacious mansion with frightening curiosity. You’ve never even remotely been near land such as this, and now that you’re inside, it feels almost too much. You let your hands glide the carved wooden banister as you walk up the huge steps to the second floor, taking a left down a hall.

Your legs carry you down the long corridor, and, as you place your key into the fob, your eyes lay onto the door across from yours: ‘Lord Hockley’ carved neatly on the door. There’s a rustling behind it and footsteps that approach the other side of the door, eliciting you to push the key one click further and dive through the door as quickly and quietly as possible.

You flop onto the bed with a huff, trying to calm the beating of your heart just enough to allow you to unpack and prepare dinner within the course of 3 hours. When your room is finished, you nod in satisfaction, taking a bath in the connected bathroom and changing into a thin, sheer dress before exiting your room and back down the steps to the kitchen.

Finally do you take the time to read the list on your own. It includes very detailed and descriptive instructions, easy nonetheless, of medication usages and what to do with each, meal plans, recipes, a map of which rooms to clean and how to clean each one, and Caledon’s nightly and morning rituals to follow precisely.

Shrugging your shoulders, you roll your neck to release the tension before opening the cookbook up to the recipe designed for today’s date. “Pork roast,” you state alloud, cringing at the echo of your voice being followed by more movement in Hockely’s room.

Your mind roams as your eyes get lost at the sight of the luscious woods out the window, hands deftly whisking away at the pork roast’s grease with the intent of making a nice gravy to coat the dry, but tender pork roast. Shaking your head, you peer down and try to busy yourself with the already settling boredom you’re consumed by. 

You can hear the halls creak, the water drip from the faucet, birds chirping outside, the soft sway of the wind, random clicks, ticks, and other noises. You’re destined to go insane.

You jump unexpectedly with the sound of a crash from upstairs. The noise comes from the general direction of Caledon’s room and you all but groan at what the sound indicates -  what your being here demands. 

Putting the roast of low, you close the lid with a soft click before ascending up the stairs to Caledon’s room. You stand outside the door, hand on your heart, as you try to calm your rapid heartbeat and breathing. This was to come about sooner rather than later, so you should be glad it’s happening now. However, the banging continues within the room and you know that even if you had met him in a few months, the hell that follows him would never be escaped for as long as your father’s debt remains.

Knocking on the hard wooden door, you speak softly, “Lord Hockley? Is everything alright?”

You’re not given an answer, only the sound of something heavy being thrown and falling to the floor.

“Lord Hockey?” you call out again, louder this time. Unsurprised, you are followed by no answer once more. Annoyance creeps into your words a third and final time, “Lord Hockley, I will come in there myself if you do not open this door. Now,” you demand.

Shrugging when no voice calls to you form the other side of the door, your hand twists the doorknob and pushes the door open. You legs carry you only so far before they stutter to a stop just past the door frame. 

Just before you, there is a disheveled, sweaty Caledon Hockley, fit from youth and some maturity in his thirties, shirtless. His eyes look crazed, like a madman, as his hands grip a chair at his desk with white knuckles. Around the room, there’s shelves torn down, broken, books in a disarray on the floor. His bedsheets are thrown about with the other chair from his desk propped against the wall in his fury.

You stare wide-eyed, but somehow, not alarmed in the slightest. You were accustomed to this sort of outburst, especially within the hard working men. You saw it in your father - even in your younger brother. “Lord Hockley,” your voice is softer again, all annoyance and anger lost at the door. 

His eyes snap up to you, as if he had just noticed your arrival or presence. “What are you doing in here? You are not to barge in a man’s room, that is uncouth for a woman of your age and status. What is wrong with you?”

“Lord Hockley-” you try to start your confession.

“A woman is not to speak up to a man; are you ferel? Are you-?”

You don’t allow him to finish his slandering, “-I am mentally efficient, Lord Hockley, and very aware of my positioning here. However, I did knock, three times to be exact, with no answer. There had been a ruckus in here for about-” you peer up at the clock above his desk, “-an hour and a half now. I came to be of assistance, but if my help is unwanted, I’d happily leave you to your self-pity on your own?”

He has no other emotion present except bewilderment plastered to his face; eyes wide, mouth agape, and at a struggle for words. His fists clench and unclench as his eyes pan down to stare at the floor, appearing deep in thought.

“Lord Hockley, if I may be so bold?” you ask, scanning his body language and searching to find the meaning of this man’s crazed outburst.

“Go ahead,” he mutters, a hand going up to rub some hair from his eyes, still staring at the floor. 

“You may confide in me if that means helping your mental health?” you offer. You know this could go one of two ways: either one, he’ll turn you away, suffer alone, and claim that men have no such weaknesses, or two, he’ll let his guard drop and release him from these dark episodes he’s no stranger to. The latter seems rather unlikely.

“I am not mental.”

“I did not say that. I was simply insisting that everyone has a dark place their mind goes to, which is a detriment to a person’s mental health. Let alone someone who is expected to heal quickly and pick up the family business, am I correct?”

Just as you thought you were getting somewhere, Cal’s eyes snap back up to yours with anger, the malicious anger tearing at his body again, “You know nothing of my family’s business and nothing of me. You have no audacity as to even assume or place yourself in my shoes. I should have you thrown out or hanged for your mouth alone. Get out!”

“Just trying to be of service, sir, since I’m at your will!” you smile sickeningly, bowing to him and sliding through the door just as a book is picked up and thrown.

You let out a deep breath of air on the other side of his door, now in the safety of the hallway. Your throat tightens with a soft sob, tears welling in your eyes. You truly feel as a prisoner on death row, hands and ankles encased in heavy metal cuffs; struggling to walk under the watchful gazes and heavy chains slowing you down, keeping you locked in this manor. 

You weren’t the perpetrator, you know this, but you were framed to support the guilty with your own naivety and love.

You drag yourself back down to the kitchen to finish the man’s meal with dejection, but still devoted for the greater future - when you no longer have to be a maid in this manor and be free, lost in the world again.

“Lord Hockley?” you call once more at his door, only this time, you’re holding his tray of dinner. “I have your meal, are you decent?”

You hear a muffled ‘Yes’ and proceed through the door cautiously.

It seems he’s settled now, sitting at his desk with notes and papers scattering the floor and desk. He hadn’t cleaned the room, which you suspected you’d have to clean in the near future. However, you notice the bed is drenched in liquid, and when you look back at him, you notice sweat beading at his forehead, a thin sheen of sweat glistening against his skin.

“Lord Hockley?” you call again, stepping closer towards him. He chooses not t answer you, so you press further. “You’re sweating.”

“I’m very well aware of what my body is doing.”

“Are you feeling ill? I can help you if-” you are cut off by his fist meeting the solid oak of the desk.

“I do not need any assistance from the likes of you, nor do I want it,” his voice is stern, scary.

You try not to lose your temper so easily this time, so you give him a kind, tight-lipped smile. “Of course, my lord, you are a man after all. A man is able to take care of himself just fine, though he installs many maids within his manor. Maids like me,” you giggle dryly, “What shall I do instead, since you are able to clean, cook, and much more without the help of the ‘likes of me’?”

Caledon only groans, “Just leave the food here, you are dismissed. I’ll leave my tray for you to clean in the morning.”

“Oh, how kind,” you roll your eyes, scurrying to the door.

“Oh, and Miss, maybe you could find a better countenance and leave your convictions in your pillow when you arise. Wouldn’t want to explain to my father - and yours - as to why you were no longer needed and let go.”

You can hear the sinister smirk in his voice, but you choose to ignore it - for now -  and head to bed briskly.

The next two weeks follow you in a similar form. You do as your told, albeit begrudgingly, and get into many of your childish arguments. Your interactions with the man are nasty and violent at times, always finding yourself dodging an object, taking threats, and coming in the next morning asking for more. 

More, more, more; you ask for more because there is nothing else to be given. You have to take everything as a grain of salt. You have to because this means your father’s life and yours. If you manage to screw up, and you will, they will not only have your father’s head, but yours for Caledon’s punctured ego.

Though, somewhere within those weeks, you started to care less and less.

“Lord Hockley?” you knock at his door, tray of food in hand. He once more gives you no answer, so you push in.

Greeted by no light in the room, you walk around in the darkness, knowing this room like the back of your palm now. Placing the tray of food on the oak countertop and go to strike a match, lighting the candle on the desk. Going around the room, you light each and every one of them until the room is dimly lit enough to see.

On the bed, you find Caledon, sweat having gotten worse as you’ve noticed he never leaves his room. When you step closer, he is shivering, teeth chattering. Worried, you go to place the back of your hand to his forehead, but quickly draw your hand back when he jerks upright.

“Lord Hockley!” you jump, the ghost of his skin still lingering on the pads of your fingers. “You’re burning up, I need to help assist you now. You’re very ill and the sickness has gone on long enough-”

“No!” his voice rips through you quiet pleas, rattling off the walls.

“But, Lord Hockley-”

“I said ‘No’! I do not want assistance, I am a grown man!”

“’You can take care of yourself’, yeah, yeah, bullshit!” you scream, the frustration, fear, and hurt finally meeting your words as you are blinded by your emotions.

“What did you say?” Caledon looks at you in disbelief.

You cringe as you can guess what is about to take place in mere minutes, but you don’t hold back anymore. “Is your bigotry deafening your hearing or did you hear me call bullshit?”

Shakily, Caledon gets off his bed, his frame towering yours as he glares down at you with pale skin and dark, chocolate brown eyes.

“Your father wouldn’t want you to be sick, knowing that you would have to run his business soon.”

“My father-” Caledon cuts himself off, a hand going to wipe his face. “This has nothing to do with the business.”

“No? Well then, why else would I have to pamper you like a king? Is it because you’re defective?”

Caledon’s pacing now, trying to calm his increasing ragged breathing.

“Or is it because your useless to him? Mentally unstable?” you continue, trying to get a rise out of him.

“You know nothing of his business nor my personal life!” Caledon snaps back to you, anger finally bursting.

As his anger ensues, he takes steps close to you each time, piercing his thick index finger into you chest for emphasis. “You are nothing, you are worthless. I am a wealthy businessman. I am a strong, independent man with power. People would miss me if I were gone!”

“If you’re such a big man, you wouldn’t lock yourself away in your room like a toddler.”

That’s what finally did him in. You pressed a personal button when your short quips finally hit a nerve, testing his masculinity. Before you have time to react, a glass vase is hurled at you. It was a short throw, and was nowhere near your face, however it caught you by surprise and smashed against your hip.

You ignore the pain, though all you wanted to do was bury yourself in a hole. You came here to help him, but all you are returning is anger and hurt that is most definitely placed at you. 

“You’re sick and it is my job to take care of you, so your father won’t have my ass because his baby boy isn’t okay. It’s my job to make sure you are very well satisfied. It is my job that you get your linens washed, food prepared, room cleaned, and make it my duty that your estate is fully functioning all on my own!” you jab a finger in his direction, placing more distance between your bodies until your back hits his door, his body on the other side of the room behind his desk.

He goes to say more, but you cut him off with more furious blows.

“Though, what isn’t my job is to allow you to threaten me. It isn’t my job to be belittled and yelled at by you. It isn’t my job to allow you to throw objects and whatever anger you have and hurl them at me! That is not my job, nor what I will allow any longer!”

“I never asked you to be here. I didn’t want you here. You forced yourself into my estate to protect your father. You knew what you were getting into just by the public papers alone. You knew what was to be expected and yet you came here anyway. You made a prisoner and a victim of yourself.” Caledon’s gaze does not falter and neither does yours.

“You’re correct, Lord Hockley, I may have known what I was getting myself into. What I didn’t know nor expect was the childish frustration and blatant disregard for human decency. I’ve tried over and over again to be kind, but against your better judgement, you couldn’t allow me to be the person to hold such compassion.” 

Your eyes are welling up with tears now as you feel a warm liquid flow down your palm and to the tips of your fingers.

“You do not understand what is bothering me and you never will,” Caledon finally starts to calm himself, the self-pity returning as he recounts lost memories you cannot decipher.

“No, but I have made it abundantly clear that I was here to help assist you. However, you saw it as being weak, so it wasn’t in your cards to even allow me the common courtesy of being a human being. You felt as if I was lying to you.”

“God, you are so annoying,” Caledon groans.

“The feeling’s mutual.”

“You know, when you’re silent, I almost like you -  wait, are you injured?”

“No!” you yell almost instantaneously. 

“Did I do that? Its dripping on the floor, what happened?”

“The glass,” you almost stutter, the atmosphere changing quickly. “The glass shatter and cut some of my hand, I’m fine.”

“You’re hurt.”

“And, you’re ill.”

Caledon sighs, his shoulders slumping. Motioning for you to exit the room, Caledon says nothing as you make a silent pact to clean up. 

You are suffering whiplash from the sudden change of emotion and it leaves you on edge, but with the cooling of his mood, it allows the adrenaline and some stiffness to leave you. Confusion overtakes your mind.

Guided into the kitchen, you start to take out numerous medications, searching for something to accommodate his symptoms. Caledon walks up to you quietly, almost afraid to get too close.

You do not say or look at each other, finally finding the right medicine and sliding it to him on the counter before sitting down on one of the bar stools. He sits beside you carefully, taking the medicine. 

Taking some gauze and wiping away the cuts with an alcohol wipe, you struggle to wrap your hand. That is, until a warmer, larger one goes to encompass it gently, waiting for an action of opposition to its intentions.

Caledon gaze burns the side of your head before you finally acknowledge him with fear. Softly, he starts, “…Just allow me to help?”

You nod softly as the tears form in your eyes again. Some time passes before you finally work up the nerve to ask, “Why do you do this?” 

Caledon looks up from you hand with confusion, which urges you on to elaborate, “Why does your mood change so swiftly, so suddenly?”

Sighing, Caledon gives you a firm look, as if he’s deciding whether to trust you or not -  to tell you. “The Titanic,” he starts, “When I survived, I lost almost all of who I was. When I returned home to my father, I was constantly burdened with memories. They would consume me, control me, until I felt like a madman. The only solution was anger. When the anger takes control, there is no longer that burning sadness, guilt, and regret; no hoping I’d done something differently. I couldn’t allow myself to do that because I was no longer that man anymore.”

“It’s scary,” you croak, peering into his eyes.

“It is, but what’s worse is the life I’ve lived after the episodes. My father found me defective, worthless. I will never be able to fully recover, which is bad for business. He locked me away in this estate to stay hidden from prying eyes, bedridden to remain unseen even in this secluded property. I insist on doing the simplest actions myself because it makes me feel as if I’m showing my father I am still capable, just changed.”

You nod slowly as you take in this new information, grateful. The man has finally opened up to you, he’s no longer a stranger in his own home as it seems.

Calmly, Caledon pats your hand, signalling that the wrapping is done. A hand reaches up to tuck a strand of hair from your face, resting it on your cheek just afterwards. “I know I’ve hurt you, but please, try to understand me, I’m not asking for your forgiveness... I just wanted you to understand-”

“You don’t need to ask that, I already forgave you a long time ago,” you smile softly, placing one of your hands on his opposing cheek. “We will learn to adapt, just as you have many times before. We are no longer strangers, yeah?”

“Yes,” Caledon smiles with glossy eyes.

“We will work on this together. You are not alone anymore.”

Caledon looks at you with uncertainty.

“I am here, always. Understood?”

“Understood.”

Kissing his forehead softly, you other hand goes to be placed on his shoulder, “Repeat it.”

“I am not alone,” a tear slides down his cheek.

“Not as long as I’m alive,” you smirk, placing a kiss to each of his eyelids.

“Never again,” the both of you say together, lips finally meeting as if to seal the promise the both of you now shared deep in your hearts. 

“Never alone.”

[dearreader]

hello fellow members of the tortured poets department.

today i enter into evidence my boy only breaks his favorite toys and analyze it. i’m most excited for this one as i think the running metaphor is a great one and love the details ive already seen. it’s also one of my favorite songs on the album so this was move exciting for me.

previous days: fortnight, THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT

this song is probably one of my favorites as it uses a toy metaphor for taylor. she’s already made references to youth and toys with her relationships in the past, notably on lover with inthaf being about regrowing again as a person with her muse. also on cruel summer she refers to the object of her longing as a “bad bad boy, shiny toy with a price, you know that i bought it”. with that line implying many things about that relationship and taylor letting it be something less than what she wants it to be to be with him, i also like to think about the line with the price being fame and her buying it so now she can’t have him.

BUT in this song taylor is referring to herself as the toy!! i love this metaphor for her as with her talking about not seeing herself as human and having constant metaphors about being bought and sold (dorothea) or being picked but only to suffer instead (daylight and clara bow). so her being a toy fit this metaphor, especially with how she’s been recently with eras tour AND leading up to the tour. she was everywhere and was THE hot item. and going back to 2016 being seen with you on her arm meant you were hot shit. so taylor saying “the sickest army doll, purchased at the mall/rivulets descend my plastic smile” hits you like a gut punch because even at her lowest moment ever she was still marketable and family friendly to sell. her sadness can be turned into songs or magazine titles or anything really as long as it makes money for everyone AND it references you’re losing me and could be her at the end of the relationship, having fought for years and was now battered and bruised and heartbroken. BUT if that’s how she was referring to herself back in 2016 where she was fighting for her life trying to make anything work but was chewed up and spat back out, with the added detail of her plastic smile being how taylor says she smiles in her sleep because it’s so natural to her (as we saw in the lwymmd video) it shows that she wasn’t real and was just there for others enjoyment in either playing or destroying her. and with the following line being “cause you should’ve seen me when he first saw me” not only referencing how taylor kept going back to the beginning of the relationship to justify staying so long BUT also saying “i was so worse then so it doesn’t matter how he plays with me.”

but with either affect this song has such BEAUTIFUL imagery. taylor describing him building castles for her doll self to play in only for him to destroy them (building up her expectations of their future but backing out and changing his mind so she never knew if they were in the same page of their future) or them being puzzle pieces that fit together perfect and made a beautiful picture only for him to break it. AND her saying that when you pull her string one of her automatic responses is “he runs because he loves me” which references several songs:

new romantics with “please take my hand and please leave me stranded”

you’re losing me with “now your running down the hallway/don’t you know what they all say/don’t know what you got until it’s gone” (which means that he would constantly put her back in the shelf but come running back to her again and again)

down bad with “how dare you leave me safe and stranded”. so with this automatic response saying he runs (away or toward her) because he loves her is because it’s so deeply ingrained into her from all her relationships and what he kept doing to her. she didn’t think anything was wrong because that’s what was always right.

i specifically love the outro and NEED to discuss it. just, her saying she was willing to stay with him for so long because he actually PLAYED WITH HER. and not just in a “he played with my feelings” but that he actually used her how she was designed. he loved her, built the idea of a future with her, and stole her heart and broke it! and that was more than any other person. because she actually meant something to him. and that thought was enough to keep her going until it wasn’t…

other line parallels i didn’t how to fit in but loved:

“maybe your electric touch could bring this ghost town to life”//“inescapable. not even going to try. and if i get burned? atleastwewereelectrified.”//“‘cause i knew to much, there was danger in the heat of my touch”

“and when i break, it's in a million pieces”//“stole my tortured heart/left all these broken parts”//“breaking down, I hit the floor/all the pieces of me shattered as the crowd was chanting, "more!"

“what a charming saturday/that's when she sees the littlest leaks/down in the floorboards/and she just knows she must bolt”//“i used to switch out these kens, I'd just ghost//rip the band-aid off and skip town like an asshole outlaw”//“i felt more when we played pretend/than with all the kens/'cause he took me out of my box” (AND THIS ONE I LOVE SO MUCH because we all called taylor out being like “hey girl, we know it wasn’t” and this is her saying “THIS IS WHY IT FEELS DIFFERENT!”)

[bomberqueen17]

caught up

Ha so i managed to watch all the episodes of the new Witcher season this weekend, so now i can -- let's be real I wasn't avoiding spoilers before, but like, I've read the books right, it's like, there's only so much they can do to surprise me. (below discussion is not in-depth or spoilery, more general and I don't have a ton of time so not meant to be anything profound)

I see they've taken Cahir's character in a delicious other direction-- book!Cahir is a dutiful young fanatic whose youth and relative inexperience is kind of critical to his character (and kind of parallels Ciri's contemporary journey, as she goes from being an idealistic child through all the things she goes through, he also is humbled and shamed and loses his idealism and his fanaticism gets a layer of tarnished desperation and then he finds his humanity etc-- chefkiss), but the Netflix version is an older, more deeply-committed fanatic, more intimately and personally tied to the ruler he serves so faithfully. They've also done some worldbuilding for Emhyr's missing years that I think is very interesting. It's funny, Cahir's actor is too old (but a great actor), and Emhyr's is too young, they've tried to age him up but he's like. Well he's like thirty. It hits weird. But, television, that's how television is.

I was using my sister's television since i had the house to myself, and could not figure out how to get subtitles on, so any of the lines that were whisper-growled-- that is to say almost all of them-- were largely unintelligible to me. But many of the ones I could make out were also just-- word salad, pretty things strung together for the vibe, so I don't feel like I missed out. You just had to get the gist, and sometimes it was an incredibly impactful book line that they crammed in there kind of unearned, but if you recognized it you could imbue it with the correct meaning yourself. This is not really a criticism. The whole thing was so rushed because they had to cover like 20 episodes' worth of material in eight, so it was just cruising on vibes and did so I think admirably, conveying a lot of worldbuilding complexity without having really a moment to get into it, and shorthanding character development in snappy one-liners that were pretty effective if you just. Suspended disbelief about literally any kind of logistics.

I did like some of the details they did choose to give us. Cool themes with Ciri, which I think convey the entire message of the book extremely well. And like-- when she's exposed to a bunch of sunlight, they showed her suffering with sunburn. That's a great grounding little bit of detail, even if it went away by the next scene because there wasn't time-- such a good detail, really eloquently conveyed by the framing and the actress and the props.

It's like.... an incredibly abbreviated art form, where they're doing grand gestures of vibes to get the story across.

Absolutely perfect for fanfic, LOL. There's really no well thought out detail to contradict so you've got a largely blank canvas. I also have deep regret that I don't think I can retcon my fic Keira into the Keira from Netflix who was both hot and had like, the perfect earthy practical personality, fuck she's good. Relatedly I loved the detail of how in the books Margarita Laux-Antilles was described as the most beautiful women in the world, and they cast a fat Black woman to play her, an absolutely gorgeous fat Black woman, and there in every scene of the sorceresses being beautiful were several fat women being beautiful too. It's something, ok.

I kept being like "omg woman hot" as i was watching, which was funny. I was by myself though, so it was fine, no one was there to witness my incoherence except the discord channels i kept typing into the wrong ones of.

one tiny sort of spoilery bit: i loved the delicious scene with Ciri confronting Cahir, but it was so rushed it was awkward, instead of showing us much they just had to have Cahir say it, and it was-- well the vibes were fucking delicious, but the execution kind of clumsy. But as I don't plan to rewatch, have zero fear that in my head I will rebuild this myself into something absolutely fucking perfect and id-tastic. Alas that we lost the book vibe where she clearly hadn't really realized he was a person until she knocked his helmet off and saw his stupefyingly blue eyes etc., and his terror and such, but i'm just gonna go ahead and fold that back in there in my mental recreation of it, don't worry. LOL if it worked for you as shot I Do Not Blame You.

oh also i'm in love with Philippa and now i feel bad i was so careless with her in my fic. Maybe I need to give her a bit more depth. I used her game characterization, I admit it, and Netflix did so well by her I'm sort of ashamed I didn't think of her like that.

[oswaldsleftbicep]

real important question here: who do you think that is the best husband material from the game? and pls rate them from best to worst-

rating the boys as husbands

a great way to wrap up my married life series! i kinda dived more into the cons of marriage in this, stuff i didn't get into in the original posts. i'd love to hear what y'all think about this, how you'd rate them, etc. that being said, these are all my opinion, based on my own perception and standards as to what qualities a life partner should have

married life hcs: part 1 | part 2 | part 3

genre: other, angst if you squint

cw: first draft and unedited rambling

Lucia

❧ he's a great husband; not much changes in your relationship so it's all still very fun and youthful and full of spark

❧ he pulls his weight around the house and makes sure to support you always

❧ since he's the breadwinner, you aren't required to work in order to keep y'all afloat, so if you aspire to be a house spouse, this one is for you!

❧ he has his moments where he doesn't take things as seriously as he should, he likes to brush things off and look on the bright side as often as he can. however, he knows very well when to stop and take things seriously, which saves you from a lot of intense arguments

❧ also, because of his work, he gets incredibly busy and there are times where you see very little of him and it can get stressful, especially once the two of you get so used to seeing each other all day, every day. the stress of being the new king also piles up on him, and every now and then he really struggles with managing it, and he can end up snapping at you or shutting you out for a bit

❧ overall rating: 9/10

Levy

❧ y'all have a very quiet marriage and life together- which absolutely isn't a bad thing! it'a all just very lowkey, but the love is always there

❧ and the life and home you two share is so full of domesticity and comfort, it truly is a safe space for the both of you

❧ you both have to work to support yourselves, which paired with the fact that he's not extremely helpful in terms of housework is,, not the best thing ever. don't get me wrong, he tries his hardest, but growing up having most things done for him is a deeply rooted habit of his

❧ you also have to keep in mind his attitude; levy is a very stubborn man, and he's been known to go behind loved ones' backs to get his way. communication and patience are musts in your marriage with him

❧ when arguments do happen, expect the silent treatment and cold shoulder, but by the end of the night, he will always come back to you and neither of you will go to sleep before talking things out

❧ he might take you for granted every now and then, but his love, appreciation, and admiration for you is eternal and will keep him tethered to you forever

❧ overall rating: 7/10

Mefy

❧ you love him, and he loves you. that's something that you have to remind yourself of a lot.

❧ right off the bat you have the secrecy about what he does for work; you have essentially no idea about his life outside of your shared home, and you often find yourself wondering, "who is my husband when i'm not around?"

❧ similar to levy, he doesn't do much around the house, and he doesn't seem to be too apologetic about it. this especially sucks considering that you have a job too. you can't stay home to take care of things, so you have to squeeze in time after work to meal prep and clean the house

❧ a lot of the time, you just feel like your marriage was more of a mutual agreement than a statement of your romance and devotion

❧ if you can set aside his secrecy, deceptiveness, and meanness, he's very sweet and considerate of you and your relationship. he sets aside his own opinions, and pays attention to the things you care about, keeping them in mind to bring up at a later date

❧ he leaves you wondering a lot of things, which can cast shadows of doubt in your mind, but you know he's faithful and will always return to you. that trust and confidence is one of the biggest things keeping your marriage afloat

❧ overall rating: 4/10

Oswald

❧ trying my best to set aside my own biases for this one-

❧ it's very hard to find a man more devoted to you than oswald. he takes his vows very seriously, and dedicates the rest of his life to act as your servant not literally of course but ya know. anything he can do to make sure you live a safe, comfortable, and secure life, he's doing

❧ he really tries his hardest to help around the house with cooking and cleaning, but his strength really lies in the latter. it's very endearing tho, seeing him try his best and looking to you with a sparkle in his eyes, eager to please

❧ but then you have to keep in mind his other job; assuming that he continues working for lucia and kaim, and until there is a complete cure for his condition, he will likely continue to be sent on missions. how long he's gone for, you never know, and the only solace you get is his promise to return home to you

❧ and then you have the effects of his condition. he tries to keep you at a distance from him when he goes on a rampage, but things can happen. he's hurt you once before, and it would absolutely eat him up if that ever happened again. there are risks, but in the end, it's an illness and support from the one he loves most is what keeps him together

❧ overall rating: 9/10

Kaim

❧ he's dedicated his life to servitude; to him, marriage is just an extension of that

❧ he wouldn't just marry you for the heck of it tho, he really loves you and is thoroughly devoted to you, and it shows with how gentle he treats you, and how he pampers you in his own special way

❧ you know that being married to him ensures that you'll be well taken care of and secure in your way of life

❧ but it's hard for him to keep home and work separate, and it can sometimes seem as if he's more your boss or overseer than your husband. he takes charge of a lot of things at home, has specific expectations, and instructs you on things to do a lot

❧ it's rare for him to just relax and be with you, as his life is basically his work. the infrequent, sacred time you have to yourselves is often right before bed, unwinding together and relishing in each other's closeness, which appears to be all he needs

❧ overall rating: 6/10

Mikael

❧ this man has a lot of complexity to him, and a lot of it is due to internal conflict. he has such string desires, but because of his upbringing, way of life, and status, he's learned to stifle those desires down into performative indifference

❧ he relies on you to help him with that, and he's learned to be comfortably vulnerable with you, which really strengthens your marriage

❧ he sticks his nose up at a lot of domestic housekeeping tasks, resulting in you either doing it yourself, or forcing him to help out while he pitches a fit lol

❧ he's a big homebody, which shows he's comfortable in the house you built together and gives you slight peace of mind in that you always know where he's at, but if you ever want to go out somewhere, it can take a while to get him to agree

❧ in order for this marriage to last and be successful, you have to be willing to help him, to help each other, grow and adapt and heal. there's a lot of therapy-esque reflection and conversation between the two of you, most often late at night

❧ overall rating: 5.5/10

Ricardo

❧ he's surprisingly great to live with: he's tidy, does his part in housework, knows how to cook

❧ the fun and youthful excitement of y'all's dating stage relationship lasts very well into your marriage; he refuses to go quietly into your aging together, and really values having memories and fun experiences together

❧ his frugality can get a tad bit annoying, especially because it's conditional. he's great at budgeting and paying bills and dues, but every now and then he'll make an impulsive financial decision

❧ which ties into his reckless behavior. having you and your marriage in his life definitely calmed him down, but old habits die hard. at his core, he still has those heartless, borderline psychotic impulses

❧ and let's not forget his dark ending. he is capable of that, and whether you're aware of it or not, the risk for that becoming a reality is still there. you've helped him change and become a better person, helped him mellow and settle down, but how much can nurture reverse nature?

❧ overall rating: 6/10

Noel

❧ he tries his best, but doesn't fully grasp this whole marriage concept

❧ the beginning of your union together consists primarily of you teaching him how to live with someone else. every now and then, it makes you worry about if you're treating him like a child

❧ don't get me wrong, he learns and understands eventually, and he becomes a good person to share a life with, but for a good while in the beginning, your union gets tested

❧ he's a prime example of you need to live with your partner for a while before you get married

❧ honestly, you don't feel as though your relationship with him changed much after marriage; if anything, you just feel more responsibilities piled up as you have to essentially train the poor man to be a husband

❧ and it's not his fault, remember that, he's lost everything at one point, memories included, and every day is a learning experience. as long as he has you by his side, he's confident that he'll become everything that you deserve

❧ overall rating: 4/10

Lucas

❧ life with him is full of adventure and bright, warm feelings. with it, though, is a feeling that you're walking along a tightrope, suspended high above the surface of the earth, but as long as you have your focus on one another, you'll always remain balanced

❧ it's not like y'all are struggling to get by either, early on in your marriage just has the classic vibe of newlyweds working hard to save up and build a beautiful life, sticking by one another through thick and thin

❧ his,, collection of belongings can be a reason for a bit of stress, especially if it all just continues to pile up. he won't clean or organize his belongings regularly unless you ask him to, and he never really sees a problem with it

❧ the two of you are always up to something, there's hardly ever a boring day in your shared life. on the other side of that coin, though, is his desire to always be going somewhere, wandering about and almost getting himself into trouble with his nosiness

❧ this one's hard to explain, but all he's ever wanted was you. he's waited countless lifetimes to have you, and he'd do it all again. yet, there's just something about him that tells me there's an unfulfilled desire within him, something that he'll continue to search for and will leave him perpetually, partially unsatisfied with his life

❧ overall rating: 8.5/10

[hirayaaraw]

Fall From Grace 1: Where The End Begins

NonIdol!Jeonghan x Y/N

Tags: Polical angst, slow burn, contains cursing, fluff if you squint

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any names or characters, businesses or places, events or incidents, are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Songs to listen: Dancing with our Hands Tied, and State of Grace by Taylor Swift (even future songs to listen are all by our queen Taylor Swift 🫣)

Your hand and his intertwined while his thumb slowly draw circles on your skin. Your head on his shoulder. A famous sitcom in the 90s playing in the background. Jeonghan laughed at one of the character's punchline and you smiled. You moved your head to see his face then kissed his cheek.

Jeonghan turned his head to you and cupped your face. The sitcom is now long forgotten. He gave you a chaste yet passionate kiss. Jeonghan rest his forehead to yours.

"We have 45 minutes to go before Seulgi comes." You reminded him but his hands never left your face.

"That's 1 episode and 15 minutes of kissing." Jeonghan said in low voice. You rolled your eyes. He always have a rebuttal to whatever you say.

'Annoying idiot but my idiot' You murmured that made him laugh. You wrapped your arms around his neck and initiated the kiss. It's been a week of not being able to be with him.

You hate to admit it but you always crave for his presence and hope he does too. You both pulled away to breathe.

"You took my breath away." He said. You playfully slap his chest.

"We need to start to clean up. Seulgi might arrive earlier." Jeonghan nods. You both pick up the soda cans and junk foods plastic at the coffee table. When everything has been clean up, you took his cap hanging at back of your door.

Jeonghan gave that look. The look that you are too familiar. He hates the set up. He hates how you both need to sneak just to see each other. He hates how both of you need to avoid each other in campus.

All you can hope for is in an alternate universe you both can love without barriers. You both never asked each other about future plans. You and Jeonghan just live in the moment.

You tip toe in front of him to joustled his hair before putting the cap. Jeonghan gave you a small smile. He leaned on you and gave you a peck.

"I love you." He said.

"I know. " You smiled. Jeonghan smiled too. He knows it all too well about your thing on saying 'I love you'. If you can't say it, he will say it for the both of you. "Try the other route today. Seungcheol might get a sniff if you keep using the shortcut from my apartment to your frat house."

"Yes, I know. I get it." He said while trying to get on his shoes.

"Text me once you arrive at the frat house." He nodded. Once he were all set, Jeonghan looked at you.

"Do you want to elope? I am tired of hiding like we did something wrong. It's the elders who hate each other not us." There he goes ranting again. And there you go, just smiling with heart eyes. "San Franciso or somewhere with beach then we will live in peace."

"Yoon Jeonghan." You said with so much affection.

"Yeah?" You hugged him.

"Great plan but first you need to go back before Seulgi's back." Jeonghan sigh then kiss your cheek. Just like he always do.

"See you around campus." You nodded before he left.

You let out a deep sigh. How did the two of you whose roots are deeply entangled found each other falling? You were sure that you hated his guts but here you are sneaking him in every weekend. Things were much better when you hated him. You can see each other in the campus and you can both scoff each other. You spent the freshman year with endless tirades. Sophomore years tip toeing around and being confused. And now, as junior, you both just let things go.

Freshman year

The youth, vigor, and excitement of the students in the new turn in their life can be felt in the air. Excitement were gone when you stepped in to your International Politics class and saw a familiar face. It's an elective you need to take. Studying in an Ivy League university you understand that you might brushing shoulders with the sons and daughters of different nation. But you didn't expect to see this person.

Yoon Jeonghan, grandson of the dictator. His grandfather spent jail time but the ill gotten wealth were never collected. His grandfather died last year because of cancer. Although, her heart always go with people who suffers with cancer, his grandfather is an exception. You believed that he deserves more pain.

Jeonghan felt someone boring a stare on him that he moved his head around the room and found the culprit. He raised his brow but you roll your eyes then walked towards an empty seat. Jeonghan laughed at your antics. Completely unaware of why you gave him an eye roll.

The 1st few weeks went on like that. Bantering with your eyes until your professor called you for an opinion regarding the political dynasty that is rampant among developing countries.

"If the same set of family keeps on holding power, everything will be the same. These set of people will never give their citizens what they deserve. All they do is to fatten their wallet." You breathe then look at Jeonghan who is looking back at you. "What infuriates me more are their next to kin who are benefitting from their corruption."

You heard a snicker and saw Jeonghan smiling while his friend is pointing him while laughing.

"Also, I have never heard anyone who held a position too long take respinsibility of what they did. Best example is the Yoon family." You heard a gasp in the crowd. You said what you said. Your Professor silenced the class and asked you to sit down.

Just a few second later, you saw Jeonghan raised his hand. The professor let him have the floor.

"Park Y/N, right?" He said with a smile before looking at your professor. "I don't think it is necessary to bring the Yoon family in the conversation as the family didn't come from a developing country which is our topic right now."

You raised your hand and your professor let you stood up. The class were being entertained with the impending debate.

"I mentioned the Yoon family as an example of a group of people who didn't take responsibility for their atrocities." His friend gave a low whistle upon your rebuttal.

"As far as I remember, "Dictator Yoon" served jail time for all his crimes against the country. Isn't that enough?" Jeonghan said which even infuriates you.

"The justice system impose the penalty but it does not mean your grandfather took responsibility." He scoffed when you finally connect him with his family. The professor and other students immediately open their phones to see if you are saying the truth.

"Going back to out topic about political dynasty, isn't your family part of a dynasty? Your father was a lawmaker, now your mom is a minister." Another shocker for the whole class.

"Just like what you say 'was' and you can't say it is dynasty if only 2 people from my family held a position and take note not succeeding terms. Maybe my family just have a thing on over throwing corrupt families like yours." You smirked at him. Feeling like you won against him.

The professor ended the class early before the two of you make a brawl inside his classroom. You try to get out quickly but his two friends reached you.

"Hi! I'm Joshua Hong." You squinted your eyes trying to remember his face. He extended his hand to you. "Yeah one of the privillege asshole. Son of the Hong industry."

You nodded and shook his hand then another friend of Jeonghan introduced himself. You know this guy well. Choi Seungcheol.

"Seungcheol. Illegitimate child of the previous president. The guy who made him resign? Ring a bell?" You laughed at his introduction. Once his paternity were found out, the media hounded the former president and his consituents asked him to resign. Well, that's not the only reason why his father resigned. It was found out that he mismanaged a fund. Choi Seungcheol's identity is the final nail on the coffin.

Jeonghan just looked at them while waiting for Seungcheol and Joshua to end their conversation with you.

"You should join the international students club and meet people from our country." Joshua gave you a flyer with a colorful design with all the flags available on it. "Or join our parties at the frat house every weekend."

He winked at you. Seungcheol groaned then pulled Joshua away. You bid your goodbyes to them and saw Jeonghan still looking at you before switching his gaze to his two friends.

You spent the rest of the 1st semester making arguments and Jeonghan countering your statements even if it does not concerns his family. When 2nd semester came, you don't have any courses that requires meeting him but that doesn't mean you don't see him in the hallway. You still give him a side eye while he gives you a scoff. Joshua and Seungcheol kept on inviting you on the weekend parties. You finally gave in at the year end party.

It was a big house party in one of the Hong property in the city. Drinks are flowing, all the club food you can think of are available, and everyone is playing every drinking game you know.

Your eyes wander around and you can't help but wonder where is your not so official mortal enemy. You greeted the familiar faces in the house. The booming sound and flickering lights are not your thing. You took a glass of Merlot and find a place with little noise.

A spiral staircase welcomed you at the 2nd floor. You were about to settle in the 2nd floor but your curiosity where the spiral staicase will lead you piqued you. There you found a balcony facing a manmade lake and the face you were finding in the middle of the crowd.

"I'm sorry. I'll just go down." You said immediately and you were about to go down when spoke.

"No, you can stay." Jeonghan swig down his beer and start walking towards the exit.

"You know what we can both stay." You said that he did not expect it. He nodded and went back to his position. You both sit side by side.

Compare to thunderous noise at the first floor, you both enjoy the silence and peace. What an irony to enjoy peace with someone whose surname is a household name within the walls of your home. Not for a good reason but for how the government can seize their properties they gain during his grandfather's regime.

"Just to clear out any impression, I got in this university with scholarship." Jeonghan giving you a sad smile. You don't know what to say so you just nod. "Monthly stipends, dorm, and book allowance are also covered."

"That's nice." You said before sipping your wine. You don't know what to say.

"For the record, I didn't hate your parents." Jeonghan continued his monologue that made embarassment seeps in. It felt like a one sided hatred. "And I didn't hate you.'

"I'm sorry." That's all your soft voice can say. Jeonghan just nod. You can feel your face is already flushed with red.

"You don't need to apologize. I'm used with the stereotype." You look at him who is gazing at the stars above. You saw his handsome side profile and sad eyes.

"Yoon Jeonghan." You called his name without any anger. He hummed and you put the wine glass at the floor.

It must be the wine or the beautiful stars above. You grab his cheek and gave it a quick peck on his lips. You don't know why you thought it was befitting for the moment.

Jeonghan's eyes became wide at your surprise kiss but it didn't take a second when he pulled you for another kiss. You can taste the flavored beer he was drinking. You held onto his shoulder as he deepens the kiss.

That night he wasn't Yoon Jeonghan, grandson of a dictator, and you are not Park Y/N, whose parents actively fighting or investigating the Yoon family. You are just Park Y/N and he is just Yoon Jeonghan.

Sophomore year came like that kiss did not happen. Gone are the banters, side eyes, and scoffs. You just see each other in the eyes and somehow you both understand each other.

[woodpengu]

Healing from trauma is wild. Especially the long-term stoof.

Here I am with a bundle of skills I developed from youth... only for me to "forget" all of it. Because of how the nervous system works - tying skills and memories together - processing/transforming/healing one can "erase" the other, which is both fascinating and terrifyingly frustrating.

I haven't posted new illustrations in a long time because of this effect. In fact, all of my creative interests are deeply impacted by this. So, on the one hand I'm celebrating the progress and forward momentum of healing. But on the other... I have to re-teach myself skills in a way that is almost learning from scratch because there's no longer trauma.

Because of that... I feel behind. I feel like I'm a child in an adult suit being judged immensely for my lack of capacity. But the only one judging me is me, and anyone I think is judging me is measuring the wrong detail against what they believe should be true. So, I have to remind myself that I need my own patience more than anyone else does. I have a lot to learn and reteach myself at this time.

But it explains why I haven't posted new art or talked about my drawing or barely shared my writing. Among all the other skills. And this is something severely punished by the popularity- or activity-based algorithms throughout the internet, which is a painful hit to mental health when you're a small bean wanting to make a splash in the world.

Maybe my point is... if you're feeling lonely, behind, stunted, or like you've forgotten how to do things... I hear you, see you, and understand what you're going through. Healing trauma is busy work, and you're doing the best you can under all that pressure. Give yourself some credit for trying to live instead of continuing to be a victim.

Loving Kindness

[pacinosgf]

🎁 and now some news from the cultured side...

“Oathes is a testament of this very vulnerable moment in my life when all I wanted to do was give up. Life has always been hard, but I’ve always seen it as something that must be done nevertheless. It’s part of my heritage: as I grew up with the knowledge that my immigrant parents had come so far and refused to be less than what they were back home, I knew I had no choice but to follow their steps. But I was incredibly lonely, traveling around the world and meeting people who seemed so much happier and more well-adjusted than me, my mother was sick, my sister wasn’t doing very well in her own life. I couldn’t come up with anything that wasn’t about grief and loss. I didn’t want to talk about the world, I wanted to write about my own problems. I tried to explain this to my editor and she said is a writer ever happy? Is there anything a writer likes to write about other than themselves?

Writers and editors share a complicated relationship, being people of such different natures. She was worried that I wasn’t writing anything and that I was heading straight into a breakdown: worst of all, I would crash somewhere around the world. I was offended that she would say something like that to me, already being sensitive enough from my internal problems. So what I did? I hung up the telephone and refused to answer her calls or any letters and decided I would only return home when I had something new. And what happened? I had to return home because the money ran out and I couldn’t write a single thing. I had to take jobs like freelancing for magazines, proofreading other people’s writing, just so I could pay the rent and eat. All that and I still wasn’t talking to her.

Like any other relationship, we just had to sit down and talk. She came to my place one night with a bottle of wine and an apology. As she apologized and I pretended I wasn’t utterly miserable in my situation, she held my hand and said But I meant it, I should have chosen softer words. Why don’t you write about yourself? Why don’t you write a novel? Figure out what is wrong.

I never planned to write novels. I thought writing novels was something for interesting people with exciting lives, busy inner lives. As I didn’t meet the requirements, I became a non-fiction writer, someone who could write about the interesting people with exciting lives. But I couldn’t write anything anyway, so why not try?”

Written in 1982, published only half a decade later, Oathes introduces us to the life of an immigrant girl deeply involved in the American cultural landscape of the 70s, a stand-in for Song herself. Finding herself in love with a girl who represents the decadent side of this culture and feeling lost among people with different priorities, Nari returns to the pivotal moment of her youth: leaving home to experience the life of a rock journalist for a few weeks and meeting former groupie Goldie Pearson.

@gllianowens