#is a woman. Someone who has a uterus is a woman. It doesn’t seem that complicated to me.” When asked if a woman whose uterus was removed

[crossdreamers]

Not all women menstruate. This is a fact. So why do women have to be defined by it?

Sara Rose Gibbs has published a very interesting thread over at Twitter on how she, as a non-menstruating cis woman was attacked by transphobes for daring to say the obvious: Not all women menstruate.

She writes:

I’ll never forget the first time I accidentally waded into a discussion on trans issues. It was a few years ago, I hadn’t really encountered the transphobic crowd before. Someone posted complaining about the term “people who menstruate” to describe, well, people who menstruate. 

The poster wanted to call them WOMEN. Embarrassingly, I knew very little about trans identities. So I wasn’t thinking about trans men or non-binary folks who might still have periods when I said I didn’t understand the problem with the term.

Not all women menstruate

I was thinking of myself - a cis woman who’s infertile. I thought it was both logical & inclusive to say “people who menstruate” because not all women do - & it can be very painful when people assume things about your reproductive system when it simply doesn’t work.

What followed completely shocked me. Suddenly my mentions were full of people screaming at me - awful things designed to cause maximum hurt. They called me a handmaiden, told me I was erasing women. One woman told me I was “divorced from my womanhood”.

Learning about transgender exclusion

So I looked into why they were saying these things. And that’s when I started to follow trans folks on here, watch trans YouTubers, start reading articles etc. I felt embarrassed that I hadn’t known what the discussion was about but also the bullying had been so intense, full on, cruel & personal that it left me in tears for days. And I’m a Jewish person on the internet. I thought I’d heard it all. I felt instinctively that it was important to defend whoever those nasty bullies were targeting. 

So trans people didn’t galvanise me into action, not initially. It was the transphobes. I may not have known anything about gender identity or transitioning - but I sure as fuck knew bullying when I saw it. And I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels that way. 

Follow up to thread

Just a follow up as this gained a lot more traction than I thought! The purpose wasn’t to centre myself (and I’m so so sorry if I came off that way) just to illustrate how the bullying mentality of that horrible movement is creating more trans allies than enemies.

Bit more context because it’s relevant - I think this was specifically in regards to some sort of workplace initiative for accommodations for people who menstruate. My point was if that survey had just gone out to women, that could have been distressing to people like me  as opposed to telling people that if you menstruate and want to feed back via this survey thing (if I’m remembering right) you can opt in, rather than have salt rubbed in the wound if it doesn’t apply to you or being left out if it does but you’re not a woman. Seems thoughtful.

Full thread here.

On how transphobes invalidate cis women

Note the way nearly all transphobes, to the right or to the left, insists on reducing a woman’s identity to bodily functions. This was the way traditionalists kept women under control in the 19th and 20th century. Women were nurturing life-givers, for sure, but they were also emotionally unstable, intellectually weak and unfit for positions of power, all because of their bodies. 

For some 200 years feminists have tried to get out of this body trap and show how women are the equals of men in any part of life.  But now, because of irrational transphobia, there are even women who try to reduce the worth of women to a fully functioning uterus, all in attempt to keep trans women out.  We see that this narrative also invalidates many cis women. This is truly sad.

Illustration by marzacz.

[silverdreamscapes]

I think everyone can agree the pregnancy plot in ACOSF was shit and problematic but what people have a problem with isn’t so much the changing of uteruses. It’s that a certain side of the fandom took one line about pliable bones and extrapolated a whole theory that pitted one woman’s uterus against another’s as evidence of a ship. (I can’t believe I even I have to type this out). And how do we know the line about Gwyn’s pliant bones is even about her womb? Maybe it’s proof she’s a lightsinger.

The line occurs when Gwyn is discussing her background and we found out what mythological creature she’s related to so we know that this passage holds a certain amount of importance. We find out she’s a nymph but not just any nymph…a river nymph. Then her eyes are compared to the sea, all of which connects her to a body of water. And what else is connected to a body of water? Lightsingers who are basically a rebranded version of a siren…mythological creatures who live in water and lure men with their voice. We know lightsingers appear one way, and then their “true face” is revealed. It could be they can change form. We don’t know because we get so little information but it seems that lightsingers have the “appearance” of one thing and then can change into something else. Pliant bones could play a part in that.

Then it’s revealed that she’s 1/4 nymph on her grandmother’s side. Her grandmothers as a river nymph who “seduced” a male from the AC. What’s another synonym for seduce?

To lure, beguile, charm, bewitch, enrapture, captivate, to tempt.

Doesn’t sound too dissimilar from lightsingers (aka sirens)

Azriel confirms that he sings in the POV when Gwyn of all characters asks if he can sing. And he replies that it isn’t just a title someone gave him which leaves the impression that if shadowsingers can sing, then perhaps lightsingers do as well.

We know Gwyn sings. There are tons of light imagery surrounding her. Nesta feels lured and beckoned and her power grumbles in answer to Gwyn. Then she has visions. Likewise Azriel’s “power” his shadows feel beckoned and lured by Gwyn. His shadows don’t “warn” him of her presence which sounds odd in and of itself. His shadows curl towards her breath, which is emitted by her mouth, and then curls back. Azriel never has a reaction to Gwyn, just his shadows. Then at 7 pm, when we know Gwyn would be singing, Azriel has a vision of sorts just as Nesta did.

So while people are using misogynistic theories about pliant bones so they can pit women against each other as proof of who has the best uterus to match up with Azriel and who can pop out his children, how are you so sure Sarah wasn’t actually setting her up to be a lightsinger?

(I’m not actually saying she is 100% a lightsinger but rather pointing out how ridiculous it is to use one line as proof of anything. It was one throwaway and people ran with it in the worst way possible)

[tomboyfriends]

So on Wednesday, I had to explain what a “terf” was to my therapist due to the nature of the sexual harassment and suicide baiting I received. I thought she would already know because the intake forms seem very gender ideology-savvy, but she asked anyways. So I told her what the acronym stood for, and that it’s commonly used as a pejorative and that people label women as this and then often proceed to threaten and/or harm them under the guise of socially acceptable misogyny. She then tied that into when that I said in my intake form under the gender identity section where I said that I don’t have a gender identity and consider gender and gender identity to be sexist/misogynist, and asked for more information. So I explained to her my definitions, that gender are social conventions and expectations surrounding how women and men should act, what resources should be available, whether they should be subservient to the other sex and learn not to prioritize themselves, etc. I said these are misogynist because none of these are intrinsic to what being a woman or a man actually is: being an adult human female or adult human male respectively.  I then mentioned I started to desist when I got into college and studied different courses focused on the human body and that all my textbooks and lectures said that being a woman or a man is a matter of biology as having the female/male phenotype, not sex stereotypes. She then said, “I see, so your definition of a woman or a man is very scientific,” and I agreed even though I thought that wording sounded funny. So she said, “So by a woman, you mean someone who has a uterus and ovaries?” and I actually disagreed. I said *most* women have a uterus and ovaries, and that those organs are the result of the female phenotype. Being of the female phenotype means that your body’s expression of your genotype results in bodily structures with evidence of being organized around the support of ova (and spermatozoa in male phenotypes). I explained that women who have had hysterectomies and oophorectomies were still female/women and that they had to be of the female phenotype for the genetic expression of uteruses/ovaries in order to get those operations in the first place. And yes, female is a phenotype: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2680992/ We brought it back to gender, and I mentioned how identities that contradict material reality are harmful. I mentioned the white man who identifies as a Filipino woman, and how it’s wrong for that man to self-identify as a woman just like it’s wrong for him to identify as Filipino. That such behavior just enforces and incentivizes stereotypes and harms women, who are targeted by misogyny and marginalized races who are targeted by racism. We also had a brief discussion of colorism after that. I said she didn’t have to agree with me and she was basically saying she was glad to hear me and that she was learning a lot from me. She said that I clearly gave this a lot of thought and that she liked that she heard that even when I was trans-ided, I was open to hearing new information and even changed an opinion once I analyzed data and decided for myself to accept the new information. I told her I love learning and hearing new information and that hearing something new doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll adopt it, but it’s good to listen to what other people at least a little bit think so that you can better address them. I used the example of hearing/reading white supremacist rhetoric won’t make someone a white supremacist, it’s dependent upon how they interpret that information. TL;DR My therapist wasn’t as gender ideology-savvy as the intake forms led me to believe, and I got to have a discussion with her about what women and men are and non-factual self-identification and how new information can sometimes change someone’s views.

[flower-biter]

19-25 February 2024

Just a lot of internal screaming, but in a quiet and exhausted way.

Monthly uterus horrors. Why has my body synced to the moon cycle? Full moons are weird enough already, especially this week, when apparently my “danger: do not approach” face was disabled without my awareness.

Weird corporate team building stuff. Mostly frustrating because the problem person in the group doesn’t seem to realize they’re the problem. The utter lack of self awareness would almost be funny if the rest of us didn’t have to deal with their messes and attitude all the time.

My eye exam was somehow cancelled on me???? I made this appointment in December and called to confirm and apparently it just…didn’t exist for them? And they’re booked up through May. Rage rage rage. But the next day the optometrist’s office called to offer me an optician job that I’d applied and interviewed for over a year ago that they’d ghosted me on. WHAT. (I’m not even licensed but they’re apparently so desperate they didn’t care about that, yet not desperate enough to have called me back in December 2022 when I followed up after the interview??)

So tired of screens. I just wanna take a walk in the woods and then come home to bake bread and make tea and crochet with my cat by my side. But no. I cannot.

I was sitting at a coffee shop to do some work and one of the gentlemen who cuts hair at the barbershop across the way said he liked my hair and invited me (a white woman) to go get my hair cut at the Black men’s barbershop. He was very sweet and I can’t quite tell if it’s a compliment to be invited, or a “oh honey, your fade needs HELP.” Probably a bit of both. I kind of want to check it out because I’m sure they’d do a great job, but I feel weird going into a space that is soooo not meant for me (even invited, I do still feel like I’d be imposing).

At any rate, I finally ordered my own clippers so I can just do my buzz cut at home instead of attempting to keep it trimmed with scissors between salon visits.

What is it this week? A guy from high school saw I moved back to town and asked me to coffee. I’m gonna go for the coffee and the laugh (I’m not really open about being gay, mostly for safety reasons, but I think I do look queer). Maybe we can be friends, god knows I need more of those around here.

Day trip to Charleston on Saturday for work; tried a new tour route, had a really good lunch, visited our new office, and took lots of pictures and videos for the company instagram.

WHAT IS IT THIS WEEK I was just sitting on a park bench in Charleston and an elderly gentleman dressed to the nines (polished shoes, cufflinks, matching pocket square and tie, full Sunday best at 9am on a Saturday) sat next to me and wanted to have a conversation about economics (in a relatively normal way). Very old southern, strong “Chah-leston” accent; had that polite way of complaining about politics where everyone knows where everyone stands, but they don’t make it personal or try to pick a fight or convert you, they just want to vent. He was very kind, tried to give me investment advice, then heaved himself up with his cane and left with a “thanks for letting an 84-year-old man ramble a little bit in your day!” before hobbling off. I didn’t even get his name.

My boss for my side job introduced me to a tour group with they/them pronouns and. I’m having a lot of feelings about it. We never even really had much of a conversation about it, she just noticed that I have “they/she” in my social bio and asked if I had a preference (depends on the day but either’s fine) and I’ve noticed that when I dress masc she uses “they” more readily, but still will sprinkle it in when I show up in a dress and lipstick. It just feels really good to feel seen, accepted, no questions asked, and for someone to make the effort. It’s not surprising - I found this job because I was looking for queer stuff in Charleston and she does LGBTQ+ history tours - but that easy acceptance is something so rare in my life so I really treasure it.

Forever curious at the success rate of the unhinged evangelical billboards on the interstate. I wonder what it would have been like to grow up (in general, but especially queer) in a place where these are not the norm.

Currently reading Stone Butch Blues and oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I don’t think I’m eloquent enough to put all these feelings into words.

Anyway. This week was exhausting. Haven’t gotten to crochet or socialize with friends as much as I’d like. Well, onward.

last week

[the-king-andthe-lionheart]

I saw this completely insidious comment on twitter this morning claiming that the Targaryen women suffering from miscarriages is proof that the Targaryen’s are “bad/evil/mad” which is utterly ridiculous.  Claiming that a person with a uterus having miscarriages and/or stillbirths is a sign that person isn’t good or morally pure just reeks of not just misogyny, but worse, tradfem and radfem idolatry.  Like I don’t care if these are fictional characters or not, when someone makes comments like this, this is not okay, and clearly speaks volumes about the commentor, so yes I will call people out for this just as I called people out for their fucking ableism when it comes to Arya and seeing comments about how “she’s too traumatized to live in society”, “she’s too traumatized and should just die” etc. etc.  And I say this because what you all are conveying is that you genuinely think that people who have a uterus who suffer from infertility or miscarriages is a morally bad person and that’s beyond fucked up.  Yes, I understand, these are fictional characters, but real living breathing people read those insidious comments and those types of comments can have a negative impact on people, making them feel bad and worthless and that is NEVER okay.  Many people who have uteruses suffer from miscarriages, it’s pretty common actually, and that doesn’t mean they are morally bad.  Like what kind of puritanical fucking nonsense is this?

Now speaking from a fictional standpoint in regard to ASOIAF, I just have to ask if the people who say shit like this also think all the other female characters in the books who suffer from fertility issues are morally bad?  And what would you think if your favorite female character who hasn’t ever been pregnant, was revealed to have fertility issues in the future of the books?  Would you disown them and call them evil?  Or would you change your tune?

And maybe it escapes the notice of these people, but GRRM tries to depict his faux medieval world in a fairly realistic manner in many aspects, and one of those aspects has to do with the realities of pregnancy in that type of society where women were pressured beyond belief to produce as many heirs as possible, without care to a woman’s health, with very limited knowledge about medicine, biology, and yes, even childbirth.  In the real medieval world, 1 out of every 20 women would die in childbirth in England.  That may not seem as high as some would think, but imagine you are a woman during that time being put through childbirth every year or every couple of years and so the rate of maternal death is even higher, because this time you may be that 1 out of 20.  Then we have to factor in how little they knew back then, so miscarriages are more common.  And let’s not forget how many sickly kids there were.  Only half of the babies born during this time even made it to adulthood.  GRRM tries to convey this in ASOIAF.  So to sit there and condemn these people for this, even fictional characters, is just fucking sick.  I really would like to know what possesses people to have the audacity to put these types of comments out there in the world where anyone can see, where any person going through fertility issues may see, because the way I see it, if someone says any type of shit like this, it just tells me that person not only lacks basic decency, but also empathy and compassion, which is so humorous considering how much those qualities are applauded in this fandom when it comes to specific characters.

[theletmeliveproject]

Quotes From Jennifer Aniston's Allure Interview and Lessons for The Community

“I would say my late 30s, 40s, I’d gone through really hard shit, and if it wasn’t for going through that, I would’ve never become who I was meant to be,” she says. “That’s why I have such gratitude for all those shitty things. Otherwise, I would’ve been stuck being this person that was so fearful, so nervous, so unsure of who they were, and now, I don’t fucking care. [...] I was trying to get pregnant. It was a challenging road for me, the baby-making road.”

“All the years and years and years of speculation... It was really hard. I was going through IVF, drinking Chinese teas, you name it. I was throwing everything at it. I would’ve given anything if someone had said to me, ‘Freeze your eggs. Do yourself a favour.’ You just don’t think it. So here I am today. The ship has sailed. [...] I have zero regrets. I actually feel a little relief now because there is no more, ‘Can I? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.’ I don’t have to think about that anymore.”

“[The] narrative that I was just selfish, I just cared about my career. And God forbid a woman is successful and doesn’t have a child. And the reason my husband left me, why we broke up and ended our marriage, was because I wouldn’t give him a kid. It was absolute lies. I don’t have anything to hide at this point.”

"I have flashes of every magazine rack, every airport newsstand. Those 'Jen Has a Baby Bump!' or equivalent headlines were everywhere (including Allure). We all felt entitled to the cellular happenings inside her uterus. We consumed those headlines, then dropped them in the trash and got back to our lives. But she couldn’t."

Reading through this portion of Jennifer Aniston's interview I felt a huge wave of heaviness and guilt.

I think this serves as a lesson for our community and a reminder about the harm we can cause to each other unintentionally when we don't give people the opportunity to choose a label for themselves and then in the case of celebrities like Jennifer, put them on a pedestal and assume them to be one of us. I remember seeing her on numerous lists of "Childfree Celebs" and it seems silly now that, so few people ever thought to question this when there'd been no official word from Jennifer herself.

I think this interview also stands as an example of the way that conversations around women's private lives, their sexuality and bodies and personal decisions, are both commodified and shamed.

Moving forward, I hope that this can prompt the beginning of a growth - both within our community and in the general society - in the way we interact with celebrities and the media and with each other. I hope it teaches us that just as we don't like people assuming we want/ will have children, it's equally important to not assume that every childfree person is so out of choice. Just as the narrative of parenthood dismisses our reality, we must also be mindful as childfree by choice people (especially those of us who are inherently free) of dismissing the reality of others too.

Links:

https://www.instagram.com/theletmeliveproject/

[yourtypicalfangirl23]

I am a woman.

In a world where there are two sexes, the male and the female, in which I am an inferiority. We call ourselves a intelligent species because we explore and understand different areas of knowledge yet we can’t even seem to treat half of the world population with respect. We give them “rights” when it should have been fact that females should have had them since the beginning because, again, there are two sexes on the Earth. 

Today there are already 11 states in America where abortion is illegal. After 50 years of Roe V. Wade it has been overturned in the country we call the “First world power”. In 1970 Jane Roe filed a lawsuit against Henry Wade, the district attorney of Dallas county, who challenged a Texas law by proposing to make abortion illegal except for when a doctor notifies that the pregnancy can be life threatening for the woman. Jane Roe eventually won the lawsuit by alleging that the state laws were unconstitutionally vague and it was a violation to her personal privacy. 

Since when did female bodies become a part of the constitution? 

We’ve repeated this so many times, IF YOU HAVE NO UTERUS, YOU HAVE NO OPINION. Even if you have one, you don’t have a right to colonize your morals and opinions on other people. Some people have certain privileges that others don’t, some people are struggling with mental health, some people are struggling with issues regarding monetary, some people are not healthy and some are just not ready. If you’ve never been in any of these situation, if you haven’t struggled like these people, again, you have no right to tell them about how they’re “killing babies”. 

Furthermore if this was really about life, then the governments would be focusing on gun violence, health care, education ETC. Except we don’t hear about any of that. 

Before 1973 Supreme court decision that legalized abortion, abortion was illegal in America. Denying women to abortions doesn’t prevent them from doing the procedure, it only encourages them do it illegally and in unsafe conditions.  Unsafe abortions is a leading cause to maternal death and morbidity, creating mental and physical health for women to plummet while burdening them with social and financial issues within their communities. 

6 out of 10 of all unintended pregnancies end up in abortion (WHO). 

In 1976 a research article from the center of disease control examined the data for national abortion from three years surrounding the rulings and estimated that the number of illegal abortions plummeted from around 130,000 to 17,000 between 1972 and 1974. 

Making abortion illegal won’t prevent women from “killing their babies”, instead they will be increasing the chance of an unsafe abortion. 

If this is not about life, then what is it about?

I am a woman and I will not let someone else control my body. 

[bisluthq]

The whole Jack’s ex and Saoirse situation reminded me of some family drama. I will give you the backstory first but that’s not the part that reminded me of them. I will make up names for everyone.

Thomas (who’s related to me) dated Rebecca for like 15 years (with a break up at some point in the middle). I didn’t think they wanted to have kids or get married because they had been together for so long and hadn’t done either. Then, they break up. Shortly after he has a new, much much much younger girlfriend, let’s call her June. They’re together for a couple of years before she announces her pregnancy at a family reunion. They get married shortly after the baby is born and have since had another 2 kids. Rebecca, we come to find out, has something going on with her uterus which makes her unable to have children, but she starts dating a man who already has a son. They got married recently and I think they have the sole custody of the kid because the mum was apparently horrible.

That was the most interesting part of the ask, but I’m always reminded of them because we have kept in touch with Rebecca because she was part of the family for the longest time. That being said, none of us like her that much? She actually caused a huge falling out in the family because she turned some people against each other. Cousins (which includes Thomas) didn’t speak to each other for years until their grandma died and they all met up and realized it had all been Rebecca starting drama. I think I might have shared this story before here because it’s wild.

But the point is, we like June a lot more than we ever liked Rebecca, but we’re still in touch with Rebecca. I don’t know how June feels about Rebecca because she’s never part of the conversations when we see each other. But Rebecca and her sister have called June ugly in front of me but have also said her children are really cute.

I’m sure my story is much more interesting than whatever went down between Jack and his ex. But every time someone brings up something like Jacquie wishing her a happy birthday, I think “that actually doesn’t necessarily mean they’re all on good terms” because Thomas and Rebecca didn’t end on good terms and I don’t think they ever talk, but some of us do keep in touch with his ex (and wish her a happy birthday) even though we like his wife more. I’m don’t know what the dynamics are between Jack’s ex, Jack, Saoirse, his friends and his family; but it makes me think of the dynamics in my family

ok this was a good and dramatic story, I enjoyed it - thank u queen. I agree, family’s weird. So I’ve got one kinda like that too where my uncle’s ex-wife (second wife so not really an auntie or anything they weren’t married super long) cheated on him. Actually publicly lol someone who knows him spotted her and the luvah boi like out at the beach and my uncle was in that area and showed up and got in a physical fight with the luvah boi and then obviously divorced the woman. A lot of people in my family didn’t much like her because she’s childfree by choice and a psychotherapist and used to bring up the psychotherapy stuff a lot but me and my one other auntie (also all childfree and into wanky academic talk) really did like her so while were on my uncle’s side because she cheated like we didn’t really wanna cut her off? Anyway she deleted everyone in the family except the two of us from all socials but she still follows us and we still follow her and talk to her sometimes. It’s not that deep lol. My uncle knows we talk to her sometimes and he doesn’t really care that much. He got remarried again (manz really doesn’t learn) and has a new bebe now (the new wife is suuuper young but seems happy with everything).

now on the other hand my bf has a nastier version of this, which is when his ex-wife’s cheating was exposed and he divorced her, his SIL (the cunty alcoholic one) publicly commented on a pic of the ex and the new bf (who she’d been cheating with) saying “cutest couple 😍” and my bf literally has never gotten over that. Not because his SIL was still talking to his ex because whatever lol right like they were friends and she cheated on him not on my SIL but because of that specific comment and I agree that’s rude lol. It caused big family drama that they’re still getting over like years later lmao.

but yeah family’s weird and idk why y’all would cut off Rebecca completely just because June’s nicer.

[ssfertilitycenterchennai]

How To Handle Fertility - A Guide to Help You Through the Journey

Fertility is a difficult topic to talk about. You might feel nervous and anxious, or you might be feeling shy. Regardless of how you feel, discussing your fertility with family and friends can be helpful in knowing how they’ll react and what their expectations are. Don’t let the fact that everyone else seems to know more than you about this topic hide the truth from you—you have questions and concerns, too! Reading articles and books may give you answers but it doesn’t answer your questions or help you with your struggles. Talking to someone who understands can help clear things up for you too. We understand that talking about something that makes us uncomfortable isn’t easy, but it will be worth it if you take the necessary steps first. Fertility is a challenging journey which requires patience, support, understanding, love, care, trust and faith.

 

What Is Fertility?

Fertility is the ability of an individual to reproduce. Best fertility hospital in chennai is the biological capacity to produce offspring. It involves the interrelationship between a man and a woman. If a couple is not able to create a child, the couple is considered to be infertile. Infertility may be caused by a number of factors, including age, genetics, and environmental factors. Medical treatments may help treat some cases of infertility, but in many cases, no treatment options exist.

 

Understanding the Meaning of “Infertility”

Infertility is when a couple is not able to conceive a child after a year of trying. It is not the same thing as the inability to become pregnant. Infertility is a complex issue and can have a variety of causes. It may be caused by problems in the process of birth, problems with the sperm, or problems with the female reproductive system. While not all cases of infertility are caused by a problem, in most cases, it is the cause of the infertility. Infertility can have a huge impact on both partners. It can affect a couple’s self-esteem and cause them to feel sad and alone. Partners may feel frustrated and angry at their inability to help. They may also feel responsible for the cause of the situation. Understanding the meaning of “infertility” can help you and your partner deal with their situation more positively.

 

How Common Is Infertility?

Around 12 percent of American couples struggle with infertility. ivf treatment in Chennai means that roughly one in twelve couples are unable to have children. However, infertility tends to affect women more often than it does men. This can be due to a number of different factors. If you are a woman, your chance of having difficulty conceiving a child is significantly higher than if you were a man. One study found that women over the age of 35 had a 7 percent chance of having difficulty conceiving. For men, the chances were much lower: a 2 percent chance of having difficulty conceiving. There are also other factors that can increase your chance of having difficulty conceiving including race, weight, and health. In the United States, 12 percent of couples are infertile. It is estimated that around 1 in 5 women and 1 in 7 men over the age of 35 will have difficulty conceiving.

 

 

Causes of Infertility

There are a number of possible causes of infertility. These can include problems with the woman’s reproductive system, problems with the man’s reproductive system, problems with the sperm, or problems with the egg. Some causes of infertility may be more obvious than others. For example, a blockage in the fallopian tubes (the tubes which carry the eggs from the ovaries to the uterus) would be a clear sign of a problem. If a couple has been trying to conceive for a long time and no longer has any signs of fertility, there may be a serious underlying problem that needs medical attention. Many cases of infertility are caused by problems with the reproductive system. This includes problems with the uterus, ovaries, and fallopian tubes. The most common cause of reproductive problems is age. As women age, they often experience changes in their reproductive systems. This is often due to the natural decline in hormones that occur with age. Some of these changes can make conceiving more difficult or make pregnancy difficult or even impossible. Women over the age of 35 are at an increased risk of having problems conceiving. Other factors that can increase your risk of infertility include race, weight, and health.

 

Finding a Realistic Understanding of Your Fertility Expectations

It’s important to remember that many couples struggle with infertility. There are many factors that can affect your ability to conceive a child, and these problems are not the same for everyone. It’s important to remember that you are not alone and that these difficulties are often very emotionally distressing. It’s also important to remember that many couples experience temporary difficulties and make it to a successful conception without any medical help. It may be helpful to read articles from sources that will help you understand your fertility better. Finding a partner you trust who you can discuss your fertility with can be helpful. You don’t have to feel like you are failing if you are unable to conceive. Many couples are unable to conceive and are successful parents. It’s important to remember that you are not alone and that you are not failing.

 

Tips for Becoming a fruitful parent

- Try not to get discouraged. A lot of people get into a cycle of “trying” and “not trying” without ever getting the help they need. Don’t let this happen to you! - If you want to try for a child, make sure you take advantage of all of your options. Talk to your doctor. Try programs like the Myths of Reproductive Aging Program. Make sure you are in a good financial position. You may even want to try something like the Fertile Future program. - Give yourself time. Don’t rush into things. Remember that it can take a long time to conceive. Don’t feel pressured to do anything in a short amount of time. Give yourself the time you need. - Don’t assume that you need to have sex every day. You don’t! Having sex once or twice a week is enough. - Don’t assume that you need to be ready to have children right away. Take your time and enjoy being a young couple first. Don’t feel pressured to do anything right away. - Don’t feel like you need to “settle down” and get married first. There is nothing wrong with keeping your options open and enjoying your freedom first. - Enjoy the journey. Make sure you take the time to enjoy the little things with your partner. This will help you remember that you are not only having a child; you are also having a relationship.

 

Conclusion

Unfortunately, fertility is not something that can be easily controlled. However, with the right steps and effort, you can ensure that you have a chance at becoming a parent. When you feel ready, try to make an effort to get pregnant. It may be difficult, but it is worth it.

[somethingconsistent]

It is so strange to be experiencing something I’ve dreamt of for decades.

I can remember being eleven years old and having a girlfriend of my brother’s come into my room late, late at night. I was up, because I never slept when I should have. She was about eight months pregnant and the baby was keeping her awake too. She sat on the edge of my bed and put my palm against her stomach, I felt the baby flip and turn through the skin. I couldn’t distinguish if it was an arm or a leg or a butt or a head that I was feeling, but I knew it was the closest thing to magic outside of pages within a spine.

It’s not as if that first spark of magic ever really went away for me. Our bodies are capable of turning a moment of pleasure into an entire human being. I’m happy it happened this way for me. With someone who I can call partner in all things. I know that isn’t the case for everyone. And I respect everyone’s right to choose what to do with the result of that moment.

This attachment didn’t happen right away for me. I don’t know if it even felt real to me until I started to feel her move within me. I couldn’t stomach the smell or texture of meat for months. I couldn’t handle the foam of mint toothpaste. I wasn’t hungry for the first time since the Great Depression of 2015. But I didn’t feel that magic that I expected. I didn’t feel like I was connected to this little blip growing inside me. I didn’t want to choose her name or purchase her any clothes. I didn’t want to design a nursery or think about the eventuality of the possibility of two lines. Even finding out she was a she through blood tests didn’t make it real.

It was that first popping of a bubble. That first bubblegum blown in the lower right quadrant of my abdomen. It was the increasingly steady occurrence of those little nudges. I am convinced she likes green apples because she seemed to dance most when I ate them in the 5th month.

I was terrified when I felt her finally realize she could move around my entire uterus. I found out recently that sometimes our bodies contract our uterus after orgasm. They can remain contracted for up to half an hour. They can feel rigid and round, and the baby is perfectly safe. It’s good, in a healthy pregnancy with a sufficient cervix to have orgasms because it can help prepare the body for eventual labor.

I can’t believe how much I didn’t know. I’ve poured over this information for fifteen years. I’ve read and heard countless birth stories. Ive asked for the gory details, the surprising moments, everything that you could possibly imagine to tell about. I’ve wanted to hear it. Sometimes when I speak to women who I am not close with I find myself wondering what sort of laborer they were. What comforted them. What position made their bodies feel anything but as if they were nearing being split in two.

I feel her move so often now. She doesn’t prefer the way my hip basin sits when my legs are crossed. She rewards me with squirms and elbows when I empty my bladder leaving her with more room. I’m happy for my long torso and my wide hips giving her plenty of room to grow. I’ve always said my good hair was the only portion of my genetics that I felt blessed in, but now I know this impossible to dress torso and these hips that make clothes shopping a pain do have some merit.

I’m thankful to every woman who has shared the details good and bad with me. I’m even happier to experience these good and bad things myself.

I’ve been trying not to consider the possibility of not loving this chapter of life. What if I hated being pregnant. What if it made me feel ugly and resentful of my body, rather than more beautiful and comfortable in my growing skin than I ever have before.

I wear horizontal stripes and don’t balk at how wide they make me appear. I wear shirts that are tight below the ribs and enjoy the way fabric stretches around my belly.

My once perfect belly button is nearing disappearance, and it’s only caused me the smallest bit of worry.

I don’t expect my body to ever return to what it once was, but I am so happy to watch it change and nourish this growing baby.

The anticipation has always been such a focus on me. Usually to a fault. Usually causing the big event to be overshadowed with what lead up to it.

I only get to experience this the first time once. I’m giving myself grace in being amazed. I’m letting myself marvel in a heartbeat, a hiccup.

This is one of the very few moments in life that is different than I expected, but in a better way than I could have dreamed.

[johnnyrobish]

Republicans Help Ketanji Brown Jackson Answer ‘What is a Woman?’

Last month, when Sen. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) went fishing for a “gotcha” question to ask Ketanji Brown Jackson at her Supreme Court confirmation hearings, she really thought she’d found one when Jackson declined her request to define “what is a woman,” by replying she was “not a biologist.”  This set the stage for tons of mockery from Republicans.  Marjorie Taylor Greene offered a Biblical explanation with “This is an easy answer. We’re a creation of God. We came from Adam’s rib. God created us with his hands. We may be the weaker sex — we are the weaker sex, but we are our partner - we are our husband’s wife.”  Then, Rep. Madison Cawthorn (R-N.C.) proclaimed “Science isn’t Burger King; you can’t just ‘have it your way.’  Take notes, Madame Speaker.  I’m about to define what a woman is for you.  X chromosomes, no tallywhacker.  It’s so simple.”  Finally, Sen. Josh Hawley (R-Mo.) chimed in that a woman was “Someone who can give birth to a child, a mother, is a woman. Someone who has a uterus is a woman.  It doesn’t seem that complicated to me.”  When asked if a woman whose uterus was removed via hysterectomy was still a woman, he appeared uncertain, by saying “Yeah.  Well, I don’t know, would they?”   

Now, I’m the first to admit I can’t really define “what a woman is" either, but I can define an “idiot.  And, from what I can tell, the word appears to be synonymous with the term “Republican.”  Adding to the confusion, Republicans are always claiming “corporations are people too.”  OK, then - perhaps we should demand the GOP tell us exactly what gender these corporations are supposed to be?   

Of course, Congressman Matt Gaetz has a somewhat unique definition of a woman.  He defines a “woman” as “someone way too old for him to date.”  On the other hand, I suppose a woman could also be defined as someone who's at risk of being “grabbed by the pussy” by Donald Trump.  Or, put another way, a “woman” is someone Donald Trump has to pay to have sex with.

Frankly, the question I’d like to ask is “Why are Republicans so obsessed with other people’s genitals and sexual orientation?”  Focus on your own “junk” you pervs!  The truth is, I'm not completely convinced most Republicans are even “human,” let alone men or women.  Funny how politicians like Marsha Blackburn have quick definitions for “what is a woman,” but still can’t seem to find an answer for “what is sedition?" 

Anyway, I just got a great idea I think may help settle this dilemma.  Let’s take Madison Cawthorn’s lead, and instead of labeling public restrooms as a "Men's Room" or a "Women's Room,” how about we simply go with a "Tallywhacker Room" and a "No Tallywhacker Room?”  Why, that ought to simplify things a bit, except for those guys who’ve had vasectomies, that now must be labeled as “altered tallywhackers.”

If you’ve enjoyed what you’ve just read, please consider joining me at:

[joannechocolat]

As a Mother

The other day, as part of a marketing exercise, I sat with a group of young women, trying to find the five words that define me best. I got WRITER, TEACHER, FOODIE – so far so good. Then we came up with MOTHER. Hmmm.

Well, yes. I have written about motherhood. Its influence on my life, my work, has been huge. My daughter is my heart. You already know that if you’ve read any of my CHOCOLAT books. But to define myself as a mother, when I have only five words to play with? It got me thinking. Never a good thing when I’m on a deadline, but the sense of vague discomfort wouldn’t leave.

Because, here’s the thing. Women are so often defined – and valued - by their reproductive status. You see it all the time in the Press: Jack Monroe, an activist who has written an array of ground-breaking cookbooks is described as a Single Mum (cue sympathy); Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe, a translator and aid worker who was imprisoned for six years in Iran for crimes perpetrated by our own politicians is described just as “a Mum” when she gets home (cue more sympathy, at least until she starts Expressing Opinions). Women expressing opinions on screen often start with the words “as a Mum”, as if someone who wasn’t might be less of an authority. Theresa May (not my favourite, but bear with me) was frequently questioned (and in some cases, criticized) about her inability to have children, as if somehow that made her less relatable, less fit to lead the country.

This kind of thing doesn’t happen when men are asked their opinions. So far, I haven’t heard a man preface any of his pronouncements with the words “as a Dad.” It is already sufficient that he, a man, has opinions to share. I don’t remember hearing about the reproductive status of Terry Waite or John McCarthy when they were released from captivity by Islamic Jihad. I don’t hear anyone asking Jonathan Franzen if he regrets not having kids. I don’t hear Salman Rushdie introduced as “acclaimed author and father-of-two.”  

It’s as if a woman’s value peaks with her sexual viability. Bestselling author? Prize-winning journalist? Politician? Prime Minister? The question always seems to be: Yes, but is she a mother?

So, no. I’ve crossed that word off the list. It’s not that it’s any less important to me. It’s just that motherhood isn’t a magnifying glass to make me look important. It isn’t a marketing tool to make me more relatable. It isn’t a gold label I want to stick on myself, or an achievement that I can claim. I have a child. I love her more than words can say, and I’m supposed to be reasonably good with words. But that doesn’t define me. And come Mother’s Day, when I will undoubtedly be asked to write an article or give an interview, I may or may not express opinions on my closest relationships, but they will be my words, not those of “a Mum”. I won’t be defined by that one time my uterus did the thing that makes me valuable in the eyes of a patriarchy. I won’t be defined by having raised a child (some mothers do that too, with or without the uterus bit), any more than I will be defined by my breasts, or the scars on them. Women are shaped by a million  things: experiences, mistakes, achievements, challenges. We are so much more than a word. Much more than our biology. And our value is not determined by the number of times we have given birth, or whether we have given birth at all. On Mother’s Day, remember this. We are valid every day. We don’t need an extra designation. Our voices don’t need to be amplified with phrases like: “As a mother.” We’re allowed to own our voices. To say whatever we want to say. So, as a mother, I’m asking you: (see what I did there? Nope. As a friend): stop putting your motherhood – or non-motherhood - in front of yourselves. You don’t need a special day. You don’t need to keep your voices down. You have all the days in the year. And you are enough. You always were.

[sokkastyles]

And it really calls into question how we think of Stockholm Syndrome and how there are so many phrases and ideas in our culture that we don’t examine enough, especially for the subtle ways they undermine women’s agency. Stockholm Syndrome is not a recognized diagnosis or disorder, and there are no accepted criteria for diagnosing it. But that doesn’t stop armchair psychiatrists from misapplying the idea to things like women in abusive relationships.

But Stockholm Syndrome is not the same as abuse, in fact, it’s a potentially very flawed idea that fails to encapsulate all the complexities of human emotion, survival responses, and psychology. The actual accounts of the Stockholm situation are far more about the hostages learning to see their captors as people, and developing empathy (which is what most of us do when we meet people).

It is, essentially, human nature for someone in such a situation to feel (and inspire) empathy for their captors—which would better increase their chances for survival—and to reduce it to a syndrome is a way of reducing women’s feelings and humanity to something both outside of their control, as well as equivalent to mental illness and insanity.

The conflation of women’s feelings and actions with mental illness has a long and terrible history. Not just in the sense that women’s tendency to be “ruled by their emotions” is the basis for so much sexism, but the very concept of “hysteria” which literally means madness from the uterus. The pernicious idea that being a woman makes our decisions suspect, our perceptions of reality invalid, and our actions not our own is incredibly damaging and yet that kind of sexism is baked deep into our culture.

The fact that the term Stockholm Syndrome was coined as a way to explain away women’s experience and agency, and even used to dismiss other women’s accountability for their own decisions, is very telling. but honestly not surprising. Society goes out of its way all the time to make women seem unhinged or stupid or just incapable of their own decisions. Let’s not allow that to continue.

- (source)

Considering recent discussions about Zutara and problematic shipping, I am fascinated with this and the way that Katara having empathy for Zuko is pathologized in-story as part of a narrative that she’s overly emotional and irrational. How her bonding with him while they’re both held captive is turned into some lurid capture fantasy by the play, and how Bryke themselves accused their female fans of idealizing abusive relationships because of the popularity of Zutara, even though Katara's empathy for Zuko was a natural result of caring for someone she saw as another victim like her, and even though Zuko apologized to her first, and when he hurt her, she held him accountable.

People use "Stockholm syndrome" so often to talk about enemies to lovers ships or Beauty and the Beast-esque narratives under the guise of protecting women, and that also applies to the discussion of certain fanfiction tropes, capture fics, arranged marriage, and other tropes that explore sexual dynamics in a dark or dubcon way.

But, going back to the Zutara example and how certain parts of the fandom paint it as abuse because of the mere possibility of an unequal power dynamic, and, on the other side, Zutara fans who scramble to assure the rest of the fandom that they only ship it in the most “pure” way to combat accusations of apologism, a lot of this seems to stem from a preemptive desire to protect women from not abusive men, as is the expressed purpose, but from themselves. And this goes back to the Stockholm situation as well. The man who coined the term did so because he was trying to explain why a female victim might resist his attempts to define her experience. If you look at Beauty and the Beast, for example, which often gets these accusations of stockholm syndrome thrown at it, the person in-story who is most invested in the narrative that Belle is crazy for loving the Beast and doesn't know her own emotions or what’s good for her is Gaston, the guy who wants her for himself.

It's also noticeable that Stockholm syndrome as a label is almost always applied to romantic/sexual situations, even though the term originated from a hostage situation at a bank that was not at all romantic or sexual. People who say that zutara would enable a similar dynamic often praise Katara's friendship with Zuko and her empathy for him, her willingness to heal her enemy and her forgiveness of him later. But apply romance to the equation and suddenly that empathy is assumed to be something unhealthy. People say a romance would "belittle" their friendship, as if romance and friendship cannot exist alongside each other. There's a clear distinction here that seems to imply that romantic feelings, or at least, romantic feelings in women, are governed by irrationality. The pop culture view of Stockholm syndrome is of a woman falling in love with her captor, even though the original situation did not involve any of the hostages falling in love with the bank robbers. But this was used to explain and pathologize a woman's fear of the police who were supposed to rescue her. What it's really about, then, is a fear of female desire and female autonomy, especially sexual autonomy, and a paternal desire to keep women under control under the guise of "what's best."

[teaboot]

Do you not believe in biological sex? I’m confused.

Hoo, boy. Apologies in advance, but this is gonna have a long answer.

The thing about "biological sex" is, it's a complicated science with a lot of nuance involved, and people who don't actually know anything about it love to use it to mean "penis is boy, vagina is girl".

Which, on the surface, makes sense to a lot of people. Its what we're taught our whole lives, and it's difficult to listen to any argument that contradicts our worldview. It's scary and confusing, and people automatically resist scary and confusing things.

The thing you need to know, though, is that what we call "Biological Sex" can actually depend on a range of factors: 

First off, primary sex characteristics: the bits directly involved in reproduction, what most people consider the defining indicator of gender.

Primary sex characteristics include the penis and testes, which are predominantly associated with men, and the vagina and uterus, associated with women.

This seems fairly simple on the surface, scientifically speaking, but bodies aren't that simple. People can and are born with combinations of these things and live long, happy, healthy lives with few or no medical complaints. Many don't even know they have undescended testes or ovaries at all, and only find out accidentally through unrelated procedures. Is a mother of three who's known herself to be a woman her whole life suddenly a man because she has 'male' sex characteristics? No? Then why should any other woman?

Someone who is still new to this might be experiencing a cognitive dissonance right now, trying to reconcile "penis is boy, vagina is girl" with "people can have both (or neither)", and they may try to do this by saying, "Well, this could be caused by mutations or deformities, so intersex people (people with mixed characteristics) are outliers, not to be included with "valid" genders."

Which brings us to the next factor: hormones.

Testosterone is Boy, Estrogen is Girl. That's what people know, so they don't want to accept any different. Different is confusing, confusing is scary, scary is bad.

But, like primary sex characteristics, these things can fly in the face of common understanding.

A woman, for example, who considers herself cisgender, who has breasts and a vagina and a uterus and all that, might have high testosterone. Because people have both! And because testosterone can give people body hair, among other things, this woman has chest hair and a beard. She LOOKS a lot like what we think of as "male", so do we tell her she's wrong about her gender? 

On the flip side, plenty of cis men with a penis and testes can have high estrogen for any number of reasons, and can develop breasts- does that mean they're women, now? 

Of course not. We have to listen to them to tell us what their pronouns are, what their gender is, and how is that any different from someone who's trans? It would be incredibly ride to tell anyone that "oh, you SAY you're a man, but you look like a woman to me, so I'm going to ignore everything you tell me and call you a woman until you can prove to my satisfaction otherwise."

So if primary sex characteristics aren't the final word on gender, and secondary characteristics aren't either, then what's left? DNA, right? Genetics don't lie, everyone knows that.

So, chromosomes, then. The barest evidence of human biological sex. XX means "female", XY means "male", forget all that mess about vaginas, breasts, and testes. Our chromosomes are the holy gospel of gender.

Except, again, nature isn't that simple.

Picture in your head a cisgender woman. She hits everything on our personal little checklist: breasts, vagina, uterus, minimal body hair, small jawline, high voice, everything. But she has XY chromosomes. 

Because, surprise! That happens! And it happens more often than you think! People can and do go their entire lives not knowing it! Because it isn't important to how we view our gender. We don't care. 

If you went to a lab today, got tested, and found that you had the "wrong" chromosomes- would you suddenly be fine with Becoming A Different Gender? Being treated like you're a different gender? Having to dress different, talk different, redefine your sexuality, because your DNA says you're wrong about your identity? How would that feel? Probably pretty shitty, huh? 

So, when we get down to it, what is the one true indicator of gender? We can't trust genitalia, because it presents on any number of variations and combinations. Secondary sex characteristics are out too, because hormones do whatever they want without rhyme or reason. Chromosomes do whatever the hell they want, fuck them, they're useless.

If we are to open our minds to what the science is telling us, then, what is it saying?

If we are to put our faith in "Biological Sex", then what does is dictate to be the truth?

That physical sex isn't just "boy or girl", it exists on a spectrum. It's not "pink or blue", it's magenta, mauve, violet, lilac, periwinkle, cyan, cobalt, or vermilion, and our idea of "boy or girl" is almost entirely a construct of our imaginations, of the society we live in. It's an illusion that dictates how we experience our lives, how we're treated, what makes us happy and comfortable or how we feel at ease.

Biological sex cannot dictate gender because they're different concepts with different rules grounded in separate realities, and no amount of pointless fussing can force them to cooperate. 

Sex is one spectrum, gender is another, and they don't know each other.

You can accept what the science says, or you can find excuses to justify the beliefs you're comfortable with. It really doesn't matter. 

Just don't be a dick about things that make you uncomfortable and the world will keep on spinning.

[shadow27]

"... here’s the GOP tip sheet: If you want to know whether someone is a woman, you should simply walk up to them and say, “Pardon, are you of Adam’s rib?” Alternatively, you could demand to see either a uterus or a “tallywhacker.”"

Republicans thought defining a ‘woman’ is easy. Then they tried.

Josh Hawley, Marjorie Taylor Greene and Madison Cawthorn opened their mouths and accidentally showed how complicated it is to define womanhood “I’m going to tell you right now what is a woman,” Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) informed the audience at a GOP event after namechecking Jackson. “This is an easy answer. We’re a creation of God. We came from Adam’s rib. God created us with his hands. We may be the weaker sex — we are the weaker sex — but we are our partner — we are our husband’s wife.” Sen. Josh Hawley (R-Mo.) was asked by a HuffPost reporter to define “woman,” and replied, “Someone who can give birth to a child, a mother, is a woman. Someone who has a uterus is a woman. It doesn’t seem that complicated to me.” When the reporter asked him whether a woman whose uterus was removed via hysterectomy was still a woman, he appeared uncertain: “Yeah. Well, I don’t know, would they?”

[ncssian]

A Favor: Part Twelve

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: this took so long bc ive been reading chain of iron and in general agonizing over things i cant control instead of being productive 🥴 that being said, absolutely none of the events in this chapter were planned in my outline, but here we are with something new!

***

December brings more snow and bone chilling weather, to the point where Cassian has to drag Nesta out of bed, either physically or by phone call, to get her to therapy appointments on time. 

She’s in the waiting room one freezing morning when, in her utter boredom, she musters up the nerve to turn to the girl sitting next to her. “What are you in here for?”

The girl blinks her large blue eyes, taking notice of Nesta for the first time. Nesta uses the opportunity to take in her freckle-painted face, a little wan but beautiful. Reddish brown hair hangs around her face and shoulders, creating a thick curtain from the rest of the world, and Nesta’s curiosity piques like she’s just found a shiny new toy.

It probably isn’t right to compare people to toys, but then the girl says, “This isn’t prison, you know.” Her voice is deep, almost sultry— completely at odds from her huddled-in posture and sickened expression. “I didn’t commit a crime to have to be here.”

Is she insulted by Nesta’s question, or is she poking a joke? Nesta decides to play it safe by murmuring, “Sorry, never mind.”

She starts to turn away when the girl says, “We’re trying a new type of trauma therapy today. I had to get here half an hour early because I couldn’t swallow my nerves.”

Nesta might lack many social skills, but she isn’t stupid enough to ask what kind of trauma the girl is being treated for. Instead, she nods casually as if she understands the struggle. “I’ve been coming here for weeks now and I’ve barely discussed shit. That’s mostly on me, but you know…” She actually doesn’t know where she’s going with her train of thought. “It sounds brave to do whatever you're doing,” she states finally. “I don’t think I’ll be able to open up that much about myself, ever.” 

The girl gives Nesta a weird look that she immediately recognizes. Nesta uses it every time she doesn’t know how to respond to someone who takes her by surprise.

The door to Lana’s office clicks open, and the woman herself pokes her head out with a plain smile. “Ready, Nesta?”

Nesta bites down on her frown. She has a feeling today won’t be as easy as her past sessions.

She’s about to leave without another glance at the girl beside her when that low voice speaks up. “I’m Gwyn.”

Nesta looks back at her as she gets up from her chair, and says the first reply that comes to mind: “Good to know.”

***

Nesta is contemplative hours after she gets back from her therapy session, bundled up in her bed with a coloring book. The repetitive motion of filling in the mandala drawing lets her mind wander, picking up and dropping different thoughts like she’s inspecting stones. 

She keeps her wrist light as she colors in with red. She finally said Tomas’s name in therapy today, though the action left a slimy feeling in Nesta’s stomach that lingers even now. She also spoke about her sisters, which somehow ended up leading to a discussion of her uterus. 

“How have you been dealing with the endometriosis news?”

Nesta shrugged. “I’m getting treated, and my last period was more bearable than usual—”

“I mean mentally, how are you doing? With how your condition could affect your future?”

Nesta narrowed her eyes. “Affect me how?”

“Have you never considered the impact it could have on your ability to bear children?”

“Not everything in life is about bearing children, you know.”

“We’re humans. It’s definitely something to consider.”

“Not for me. I’ve never wanted kids.” A mistruth at best. “I don’t care what endo does or doesn’t do to me on those grounds.”

In a way, Nesta told herself, the health risks were actually for the best. If she ever did, by some stupid loss of sanity, try to have children, then her body would act as a safety net from her decisions.

Lana only said, “You’ll never know how much you care or don’t care until you talk out your feelings.”

“Then I guess we’ll never know.”

Nesta lets the memory of that conversation drop like a stone on a shore. That’s not something she has to face for a good long while. No, right now she has to face her past. 

Her sisters, and her ex, and even her father— 

I wonder if I came off too strong with Gwyn today. 

Her hand stops drawing, and she switches out her red marker for an orange one. This thought she doesn’t mind inspecting for a little longer: she and Gwyn ended up leaving their sessions at the same time, which meant they were forced into stilted conversation on the way down to the parking lot. 

Not forced, Nesta self-corrects. She willingly initiated a conversation, and it didn’t go terribly. She wonders if making friends in therapy waiting rooms is a real thing.

Her phone vibrates beside her, breaking her hours-long mental bubble. Blinking dazedly, she answers the phone call.

“How are you?” is the first thing Cassian says to her. He makes sure to ask her that at least twice a day, like a gauging of her temperature. It makes Nesta wonder what she’s ever done in her life to call for such… attention to her well-being. 

“I’m good,” she answers honestly. “My head’s a little loud right now, but I don’t mind it.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No, I’d rather hear you talk.” She slumps back against her pillows, coloring book forgotten. “What’s up?”

“Ah...” Cassian sounds hesitant for the first time since their relationship started. “It’s just that I haven’t gotten my Christmas decorations up yet, and I was going to ask if you wanted to help.”

Nesta takes a moment to absorb his words. “It’s December fifth,” she says.

“Yeah?”

“You just seem like somebody who does their decorations the day after Thanksgiving.”

“Well, this year is a little different, with you moving out and being busy with school…” He pauses. “I was waiting to do it with you.”

When she doesn’t reply, Cassian adds, “I don’t even know if you care about Christmas. I know you and your family sort of ignored holidays. It’s fine if you don’t want to—”

“I’ll be over right now,” Nesta blurts. 

Half an hour later, Cassian swings open his door with a smug grin on his face; a vast difference from the stammering hesitance he displayed over the phone earlier. Nesta’s own lips want to pull up into a smile just at the sight of him, but she holds back and narrows her eyes instead. “What’s got you so worked up?” she questions as she steps into the warmth of the cabin and out of the freezing cold.

“The way you ran over here as soon as I asked.” He looks her up and down, still amused. “You didn’t even bother to change, did you?”

It’s true: she’s in the same sweatpants and long sleeved tee she wore around home, and her socked feet are shoved into slippers. 

“Get that smirk off your face.” Nesta flicks his nose before tossing her coat off. “If this is a competition about who’s got a bigger puppy-crush for whom, you already won when you delayed putting up your Christmas decorations for me.”

“Fair enough,” he grins. The words send an unexpected pang through Nesta, because it’s partly true, isn’t it? He cares more openly for her than she does for him. 

She looks away in guilt, not knowing how to fix the imbalance. Her eyes land on the living room coffee table, where their half-finished jigsaw puzzle sits. It’s been stored under the couch for the past few weeks, forgotten by Nesta and Cassian alike as they moved on with their lives, but now it’s sitting out again.

“Have you been working on the puzzle without me?” She raises an inquisitive brow, about to feel— hurt.

“Never,” Cassian promises, saving her from that irrational hurt. “I just brought it out because I figured we should get to finishing it one day.”

She pads over to the table, picking up a puzzle piece and turning it over in her hand. “I don’t know if you remember, but we had a terrible time working on this,” she scoffs lightly.

“Oh, I remember,” he says, coming up behind her and stealing the piece from her grasp. “I think it’s safe to say those evenings were the worst fights we’ll ever have together.”

Nesta leans back against Cassian’s chest and hums. “It made us a stronger couple, don’t you think?” She turns her head up and back to meet Cassian’s eyes, finding that he’s already looking down at her.

Hypnotized, she leans into his warmth. She only manages to land the smallest kiss against his lips when his hand squeezes her ass cheek. “You’re here for a job, remember?” He taps her butt before pulling away, gesturing to the Christmas tree in the corner of the living area with his chin. It stands bare. “You do tinsel, I’ll do lights.”

Tinsel is harder to work with than Nesta remembers. She only manages to get half the tree done before plopping onto the Persian rug, exhausted and covered in silvery material. She doesn’t mind laying there while Cassian continues working; it’s her revenge for when he napped on her bed while she moved in.

“You know the stair railings still need to be wreathed, Archeron.”

Nesta declines to respond, tilting her head on the carpet for a better view of her boyfriend’s ass instead. “All this decorating,” she starts. “Is it just for you?”

Cassian turns to her, surprised. “Well…”

She pushes up onto her elbows, catching her mistake. “Are we doing Christmas together? Or are your friends coming over?” She hasn’t bothered to celebrate Christmas in years now, and she doesn’t care much what Cassian’s plans are either way.

“I was hoping for both?” He sounds hesitant. “Christmas Eve is all the way over in Velaris, but I was thinking we could go together, open some presents, and come back and spend Christmas here.”

Nesta purses her lips. She doesn’t actually hate that plan. Both Feyre and Elain have been pestering her with the annual texts asking her to visit for Christmas, and for once, she feels like responding to them. The invitation is more of a formality than an actual request at this point; she doubts her sisters want her there after years of rejections, but… what’s the harm?

“Is that a yes?” Cassian asks at her unreadable face.

“Yes,” she states unflinchingly. She refuses to overthink the possible consequences of this choice and chooses to focus on the broad grin overtaking Cassian’s face. “Really?” he says.

“But there has to be rules.” Nesta sits up fully now. “No one can know we’re together, no matter how much you trust or love them.”

“We already agreed to that, baby.”

Yes, but Nesta knows the secret weighs on him heavier than he shows— even if he agrees with her that it's for the best. “It’ll be different when we’re together in the same room as everyone else,” she says. Cassian wears his beating heart on his sleeve, and she doesn’t think he’s ever had to hide it before.

“You’ll also be different,” she adds. “It’s a huge change of pace.”

Cassian drops the remaining strand of lights and smiles confusedly down at her. “What do you mean, I’ll be different?” He sits across from her, before the blazing fire. 

“You know how you get around your friends.” Nesta shrugs without a thought. “Like your personality readjusts to mirror the people around you. I used to find it a mix of sad and adorable, like a neglected puppy desperate for love, but now I— okay, I still feel the same way.” She waves a hand in a dismissive gesture.

By the look on Cassian’s face, he does not find her words so easily dismissed. 

Coldness curdles in the pit of Nesta’s stomach, the realization that she’s said something wrong. She can’t fix it until she knows where she fucked up, though.

“Is that what you think of me?” Cassian finally says lowly. His usually expressive mouth is drawn tight and narrow. 

“Um… What would you rather I think of you?”

His eyes widen in disbelief. “Seriously, Nesta?”

Nesta’s back stiffens, refusing to cower. “I only described what I’ve observed in the past.”

“And what you observed was a desperate puppy?” His voice is cold in a way she’s never heard before.

Okay, she’s starting to see how that might be offensive. She forges onward, “Tell me what you think about yourself in the presence of your family, then.” It’s a private victory that she says family instead of clown circus. But she’s not trying to turn this into a fight.

Cassian is silent, but his stare continues to rage at her.

“Tell me,” Nesta repeats.

His hands curl into fists on the rug. “I think I’m empathetic, easy to talk to, and easier to be around. Is it a problem if I’m likable?” Unlike you are the unsaid words.

Nesta inspects the space between them like it’s a chessboard. “And what part of yourself are you giving up to be so likable, Cassian?” she says quietly.

“Nothing.”

Nesta disagrees, if only because she’s been watching him out of the corner of her eye for years. “I think you base your personality off of those you love, and you lose a little bit of your true self every time you put others’ needs before your own.” 

She shuts her mouth, not having expected such honesty to come out of it. Cassian is taken aback, too, she can tell.

“And I guess it’s natural that you’d see all of that as a bad thing, considering your history of being closed off and self-serving to a fault,” he fires back with the flatness Nesta utilizes so often.

One for one. Fair enough. “We’re both right then,” Nesta says. “You work for your best friend because you have no ambition beyond serving your family, and I have no such family because I can’t bring myself to care about those things. Are we even now?”

Cassian furrows his brows, those defensive walls melting away as he realizes she’s completely serious. “What? No, Nes—” He shakes his head. “Okay, so maybe you’re right about me. Maybe I agree with you a little bit, but… If we see flaws in each other, then we should be working to overcome them instead of weaponizing them.”

Now Nesta’s the one shaking her head, quickly lifting a hand to stop him. “Relax there, sweetheart. I have no expectations from you or myself to go on some self-improvement journey now that we’re together. Talking about my feelings with a professional every week is hard enough.” Yes, agreeing to go to Feyre’s Christmas party is improvement. Slow, barely there improvement, but enough to wear her out for the rest of the month. For Nesta to fully let people into her life, to treat them as lovingly as she treats Cassian— that’s a long way away. She can’t envision it, doesn’t even know if she wants it.

Cassian must understand some of what she’s thinking, because he nods and backs off. He gets back up and returns to stringing lights, tossing a handful of tinsel at Nesta as if to say Get back to work. 

She stands and obeys, thinking their not-argument is officially over when Cassian says, “You’re wrong about one thing.”

She looks up from where she threads tinsel through fir leaves. He doesn’t take his eyes off his work as he says, “You do have a family. And deep, deep down, you care about them as much as I care about mine.”

***

Nesta catches Emerie’s eye as the dark-haired beauty walks into the pub. Raising a hand and waving, she gestures Emerie over to the booth she’s sitting in. 

“Look what I found,” Nesta says with a hint of pride, pointing to the redhead sitting beside her. “A third girl for girl’s night!”

“I was kidnapped,” Gwyn speaks up. “Jumped on the way to my car.” She’s out of her usual hoodie and in a tight-fitting blouse, looking stunning even while seeming out of place in the dim bar.

“She came here consensually,” Nesta retorts. “Emerie, this is Gwyn. We met at therapy.”

Gwyn offers Emerie an awkward smile.

Emerie slides into the booth across from them with raised brows. She looks between Nesta and the new girl and back again. “You invited her here? All by yourself?” she asks.

Nesta nods firmly.

Emerie breaks into a wide grin and reaches over the table to grab Nesta’s hand. “I’m so proud of you!” If Emerie were anyone else, she’d be squealing in excitement, but Emerie does not squeal.

Nesta waves off her friend’s praise, though a part of her wants to beam at it, too.

Gwyn glances between the two of them with slight amusement. “I mean, it’s not that impressive,” she says. “She came on a bit too strong, probably a five out of ten on the asking-someone-out scale.”

“‘A bit too strong’ is all you’re gonna get with Nesta,” Emerie says, lifting her hand to order drinks. “She’s all-or-nothing, and most people would pray she doesn’t give them her nothing.”

Nesta doesn’t know if that’s a compliment, but she supposes there are worse things that could be said about her.

“So, Gwyn, what do you do?” Emerie leans forward. “All our friends are law students and it’s starting to get boring.”

Gwyn goes off about her librarian job as Nesta orders their drinks, and Emerie rests her chin in her hand and listens eagerly. Christmas music plays softly in the background and snow flurries gently outside. Nesta thinks she can’t be doing that bad in life, if she’s managed to carve out this little slice of happiness for herself.

***

a/n: i promise shit actually happens next chapter! we're getting christmas with nessian and the ic in the same room for the first time

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