#isolation cw

[whumpqhs]

Man, I read a post that got me kind of angry, it was one of those bootstrappy things, think, "I exercised my way out of CFS and homelessness and now own a business and bodybuild!"

And on various gods.

I want to whump a character like that so bad.

They thought they were sick before. They were told they'd never make it. They were pretty badly misled, of course, because really being sick, really being disabled, those things don't work like that. They were very lucky and very privileged and not NEARLY as sick as they thought, and to them, they've always been the hero of their own story. Proud that they've never let up, never stopped giving 110%, even for a split second. They've made themselves into this amazing example of hardcore self reliance, and they are a SPECTACULAR dick about it all of the times.

And then

and THEN.

Then they get so hurt. So sick. I'm considering my Stone Army setting for this, where they're trapped in caves for hundreds, thousands, of years. Suffocated by mining runoff. Lungs full of toxic sludge and grit. They're so far gone. But they can't die. They can't even make themselves die. No control, no agency.

Even when they're rescued, they're clinically dead, no heartbeat, no breathing... they need surgery, a new thing that was invented and perfected while they were in the ground, to place breathing, feeding, vomiting, digesting, renal filtering, and hydrating tubes, that snake out and around their body, doing everything for them. IV lines and a primitive, magically assisted, PICC or central port. Too weak to keep their airway open. Lungs won't move on their own. This self made hero, this mighty conqueror of illness, reduced to a skeleton who can't even move food through their digestive tract unassisted.

And so touch starved. They bond instantly to the person who holds them, panicking if they leave. Their caregiver is the one gently moving the air through their lungs, with their own lips, when they can, because it's gentler than the bellows that run continuously to breathe for them. The person they don't know who they imprinted on, the moment they felt their touch, is the one stroking their stomach to ease the food through, their body still relearning how to do things like peristalsis. Cleaning them up when their shrunken stomach rejects the proto-tube feed formula dripping through their catgut-and-tree-rubber PEG tube, and it comes up through a specially valved NG and sprays everywhere. Keeping their eyes and ears covered, the room dark and warm, because after so long in the ground, everything is too bright and too loud, and they can't regulate their own body temperature anymore. This stranger has to mouth words against their soldier's forehead, and only simple messages can be processed by their shattered mind at first: "I'm here." "It's okay." "Over soon." "Good job."

That slow recovery, completely dependent on someone else. The day they can breathe on their own. The day the first of all their many tubes can start coming out, one by one. The day they can start to unwrap one layer from their ears, adjusting little by little. It's months before their eyes can be fully uncovered and opened, for the first time in centuries, and they can finally see the person who's been doing everything for them. Breathing for them, feeding them, cleaning them, holding them, never leaving their side, this total stranger. Still holding them as their eyes open, smiling gently at them. Because unlike our hero, they know that needing care is not shameful. Now they're sobbing into this person's horribly familiar arms, so ashamed. So humiliated. The crying immediately exhausts them, they need even more care, more gentle, soft, delicate, more shushing, cuddling, stroking their back, telling them it will all be okay... they're so tired from the outburst that they fall asleep, of course still pressed into the caretaker's arms, whimpering and sniffling. The person holding them is so confused by the crying, but they only want to help. They'll be there with them as the self reliant, ableist, deeply ashamed soldier has to relearn everything, and has to do it in constant contact with them, after so long in isolation.

I'd like to think that this teaches them something. That's a story I'd love to write.

[groupalpha]

WARNING

This comic contains themes of isolation. If you are sensitive to such, please skip this comic.

If you wish to proceed, comic is under cut.

13ES: I have it loaded from my memory conflux now. ... I apologize if this is upsetting to anyone.

Loading memory from Memory Conflux

Please stand by...

Memory loaded successfully!

. . .

EPS: Misunderstandings are not something I take lightly.

EPS: It's my job to prevent such misunderstandings from my part. I sincerely apologize for such incompetence.

13ES: Prism that's enough, your work does not equal your worth. You don't need to be so hard on yourself because of a simple mishap.

EPS: With all due respect, that doesn't excuse my actions. I know... that... Stories?

13ES: Prism, something isn't right. The communication towers are... trying to send a signal?

EPS: Stories, your communications are-

13ES: Prism?!

[LIVE BROADCAST] - [ANNOUNCEMENT] COMMUNICATIONS MANIFEST to Group Alpha

[[ERROR]]

CANNOT OBTAIN LOCAL GROUP ID - ATTEMPTING AGAIN. PLEASE STAND BY...

...

. . .

. . .

[[ERROR]]

LOCAL GROUP ID UNOPTAINABLE - SENIOR ID FOUND

ATTEMPTING TO CONNECT...

13ES: I don't... did the communications break? I don't think it... !

[LIVE BROADCAST] - BROADCAST ANNOUNCEMENT - SLIVER OF STRAW

TRIPLE AFFIRMATIVE

AFFIRMATIVE - THE SOLUTION IS PORTABLE AFFIRMATIVE - THE SOLUTION IS FOUND AFFIRMATIVE - THE TECHNICAL IMPLEMENTATION IS POSSIBLE AND APPLICABLE

13ES: Sliver of Straw? But... what-

[EQUIPMENT MANIFEST] Grabbing data Loading Holograms Please stand by...

13ES: Holograms?! But-

[EQUIPMENT MANIFEST] Thirteen Elder Stories - Second Generation Group Senior of Group Unidentified has been added to hologram announcement

[ 13ES: Who else is out there?

STOU,CF: ... . . . You and the future of your group are all that exists. ... Senior Thirteen Elder Stories, do not ask me this again. ]

13ES: ...

. . .

It was a lie. T-there's more of us out here.

They never...

They... they wanted to keep us behind locked doors... they didn't want us to...

Everything... every single thing. It was all a lie. Everything was nothing but a lie.

[LIVE BROADCAST] - COMMUNICATIONS MANIFEST to Thirteen Elder Stories

[[ERROR]]

ID CODE LOST.

ALL PARTICIPANTS IN BROADCAST ANNONCEMENT BLOCKED.

13ES: WAIT!

I...

I never got to even speak to them...

(You can ask questions on this if you'd like)

[athymelyreply]

Hi, younger me. I’m sorry. I love you. You were so kind and cared so much and I’m sorry. When the person you thought was one of your best friends told you she could play with you outside of school, but not in school “of course”. And you responded “yeah of course, I understand” im so sorry dear. That was never something you should have had to hear. You should have never had to apologize for your existence. And the laughter, the insidiousness, the petitions to refuse to play with you. A resolution of exclusion drafted and signed by the masses. The self imposed vow of silence. The fact that your existence was considered a plague. All of the other things you can’t remember because they were too damn horrible and you were too damn hurt. All that lost history. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to know you better. I miss you all the time. I’m sorry you left the way you did,

but listen, that kind, loving little kid? I promise I keep her with me. You’re not forgotten, you’re not completely dead, we’re right here darling, we’re alive, I know you’re part of us, no matter how deep you’re buried. I wish I could just talk to you. I miss you little love, you deserved better, you still do.

[yandere-daze]

I promised I would do it and now that I've finished reading Death Note, here are some of my thought on Yandere Light ^^

While writing this, it moreso turned into a scenario told in bulletpoints rather than headcanons. I hope you have fun reading! I'm more than happy to talk about it or answer any questions you might have after reading!

gn reader

2.6k words

cw yandere, manipulation, isolation, stalking but not exactly by Light himself?, kidnapping (mentioned)

Yandere! Light Yagami Headcanons / Scenario

I believe Light would be a very fascinating case of a yandere as he would both be very intense and controlling while still keeping that side of himself very well hidden from you and the general public. You wouldn't notice anything off about him until it is already too late (if you would ever notice it at all)

When Light first fell in love with you it came as a complete surprise to him. Never in his life has he ever loved anyone before so these strange warm feelings he got whenever he looked at you caught him off-guard and made him feel a bit uneasy.

He was obviously intelligent enough to quickly figure out just what exactly these feelings meant and at first, he wasn't very pleased with these new circumstances. To him, romance was simply a distraction from his greater goals for the world, an unnecessary nuisance, and something that was quite frankly beneath him.

He convinced himself that he had no time or real desire for a relationship so for the next few days and even weeks, he tried his best to suppress these pesky feelings he has developed for you. He tried to keep his distance from you and if you were somehow forced to interact he would do the bare minimum of keeping up appearances. Polite smiles and meaningless small talk were all you were getting from him. Everything was perfectly normal.

At first, Light had thought that staying away from you like this was a smart idea. Feelings were supposed to fade away into nothingness if you never interacted with your object of affection and he was counting on that. If he only let go of this silly delusion of a loving relationship with you, everything would go back to normal soon enough.

But quickly Light found that his approach was starting to backfire pretty spectacularly. The more he forced himself to stay away from you, the more he found himself lying awake at night, his thoughts drifting off to images of you smiling at him or laying down right beside him as he wrapped his arms around you. Instead of regaining focus, he was getting even more easily distracted than before, his mind constantly wandering.

Staying away, watching you talk to and laugh with other people was slowly starting to drive him insane and so he decided that he would need to change tactics. If his love for you wasn't dwindling then he must do everything in his power to grow closer to you and finally satisfy his longing for you.

After his initial denial phase, Light would slowly worm his way into your daily life without you even noticing. Every time you saw each other somewhere, he would greet you with a charming smile and start a short conversation with you, hoping to build some rapport between the two of you. He would offer to carry your bags for you, insisting it wasn't a big deal, or invite you for a tutoring session if you were both still students. Light was at the top of his class, the brightest boy in the entire school. What reason could you possibly have to refuse?

At first, you would meet at a public place like a library or a cafe to meet up. Spending one-on-one time with you like this, even if you were only studying was strangely exhilarating for Light. Sitting across from you and watching your face scrunch up in confusion whenever you got stuck on a subject or the way your expression would brighten up with understanding after he explained a particularly difficult problem to you... These were moments he would find himself looking forward to every single time.

Slowly over time, the frequency of these study sessions would increase under the guise of needing to properly prepare for upcoming tests or exams. The location, too, would change once Light suggests studying at his home where you wouldn't be disturbed by anyone else.

Sometimes he would even pick you up at home and smirk internally whenever he heard your parents comment about what a nice, handsome young man he was. He didn't miss the way they would nudge you toward him while shooting you a knowing look and waving you off.

Of course, to grow even closer to you, he would integrate himself into your friend group. Though he didn't care for any of your friends in the slightest, it was very easy for him to connect with them due to his popularity and good looks. He was good at pretending to care for these fools if it meant he could spend even more time with you.

Naturally, he would also use his connections with your friends to learn more things about you that he could then purposefully include in a conversation during your study sessions. Light made sure to study up on any of your interests whether it was a certain band, movie, book, or anything else, just to be able to impress you with his knowledge on the matter. It was truly remarkable how many things you had in common, wasn't it?

Slowly but surely, Light became a constant presence in your life when you had been mere acquaintances a few months ago. Light picks you up in the morning, he's a permanent member of your friend group, he sits beside you in class, he invites you over to his house three times a week now to study ( though your study sessions have evolved into regular hangouts now instead of really getting any coursework done) and he's a constant conversation topic at home. ("And you two really aren't dating? What a shame, Light is such a sweet boy. I'm sure he would treat you right.")

In such a short amount of time, Light has clawed his way into your life and yet he's still not satisfied. He won't be content until he finally has you all for himself, until you're finally in his arms. And once he has you, he won't ever let go.

After growing closer to you as a friend, Light would quickly work on isolating you and becoming the sole person you rely on. These so-called friends of yours are all imbeciles, people unworthy of being in your presence.

At this point, I might as well mention that I think Yandere Light would rever and idolize you to a point but he would still want to be the one in control ultimately. You are pure of heart, someone who should be protected, and are so far above the ignorant masses. They don't deserve you. Only a god like him is worthy of owning you and he really wishes you would realize this soon. He knows what is best for you.

I actually think he wouldn't use the Death Note to isolate you and get rid of any obstacles in his path to claiming you as his, at least not yet. Early on in the story of Death Note, while the world is still largely against Kira and he is actively being investigated by the police and L, Light can't risk getting his hands dirty for something trivial like this, no matter how much he would love an efficient way to rid himself of these friends of yours, let alone the people he deems an active threat to your future relationship.

No matter how much he might yearn for you, he can't risk his greater mission of ridding the world of all criminals.

So, Light will take the subtle manipulation route. Manipulation is something he is very good at and he will not hesitate to guide your thoughts and feelings in a direction that benefits him.

He acts as a concerned friend when he tells you about the things he heard about fellow classmates. Did you know that one of your friends used to be a member of a gang? He heard that they were slipping into old habits and getting in trouble again and so he couldn't help but feel worried about you. He doesn't like you associating with someone so dangerous. He's just looking out for you, okay?

He's even worse when it comes to people he deems a romantic rival. He never runs out of negative things to say about people you show an interest in. It angers him greatly whenever he has to listen to you swoon over someone else but he knows you're just too blind to see that he's the one for you at the moment.

But no matter, Light will make sure you don't do anything stupid like going on a date with someone else. Oh, he heard that one was a total player, they would only break your heart. Your date didn't show up at all? Oh, he's so sorry to hear that. Look why don't you make the most of this evening and spend it together instead then? They were a fool to stand you up and he's going to make sure you'll forget all about them soon enough.

Never mind the fact that he had sent your date an anonymous letter threatening them to not show up or the dark secret he had found out about them would soon be exposed to everyone.

You're none the wiser about Light's secret manipulations, simply grateful for what a nice and supportive friend you have.

But being friends with you isn't enough for Light anymore. He needs to be more than that. He's already managed to isolate you from all your other friends but you just aren't falling for him fast enough. So he hatches a plan to force you to seek him out, to make you come running into his arms.

Having waited for such a long time, Light is nearing his wit's end at the fact that you aren't his yet. So just this once, he is willing to use the Death Note to get you to fully rely on him.

Quickly, he finds the name of a petty criminal who has already been released from prison and writes an entry in his notebook.

Suddenly, you start receiving strange letters at home. Twisted declarations of love sent by an unknown sender. They claimed to have been watching you for a while, waiting for you to truly notice them and fall for them as well. They describe your daily routine in great detail, indicating that they must have been following you. They promise that you won't have to wait long, that you will soon finally be together without any obstacles in the way.

The contents of the letter make a chill go down your spine and soon enough, you don't feel safe in your own home anymore. You feel watched, as if someone was just around the corner, staring at you. It was highly unnerving and soon, you would tell your best (and at this point only) friend Light about the creepy letters you've been receiving and that you had the sinking feeling that you were being watched.

Light of course showed great concern and offered to stay at your side for the entire day. He would make sure no creep would get to you as long as he was around. And sure enough, with Light around you felt safer, as if nothing could harm you anymore. You could spend the rest of your day at ease, knowing that your friend would protect you if anything were to happen.

But as soon as Light would bid you farewell after escorting you back to your home, you would feel an unsettling chill going down your spine once more as the feeling of being watched returned. You were scared again, fearing that your stalker might climb through your window and kidnap you at any moment. You barely got any sleep in the night, practically jumping out of your skin anytime you heard a loud noise outside.

Morning couldn't come soon enough, when you would see Light again and this nightmare would stop, at least until you would once more return home.

Soon enough, your mind would start associating Light's presence with the feeling of being safe and his absence with intense fear and discomfort. Parting from him would grow more difficult every single day and he was counting on that.

The same routine would continue for a few days until one day, you couldn't take it anymore. As Light moves to say goodbye to you once more in front of your house you yell in protest and hold on to his arm, making him stop in his tracks.

You explain to him that you just don't feel safe anymore at home and that his presence is the only thing that can put you at ease. You tell him that only he makes you feel safe anymore and by the end of it, you're practically pleading with him to not go, to not leave you alone. You can't handle another night being alone, without him. You needed him by his side.

It was everything Light could have hoped for and the knowledge that this was his doing fills him with smug satisfaction that he masks with a genuine smile. He's quick to agree to your request and offers you to spend the night at his home instead. You could stay in his room even and maybe you would feel more at ease, knowing that he is there with you.

Of course, you agree and true enough, sleeping in his room was the most peaceful night you had in a while. With him next to you, you could feel like you could finally relax.

"I'm here for you. Don't worry, nothing will happen to you as long as I'm here."

From then on, your life became even more impossibly intertwined with Light's. Instead of just spending the entire day with him, you would now wake up next to him, eat breakfast in his home, walk to and from school alongside him, and fall asleep curled up next to him. And you felt happy like this.

The next time your parents would ask you about your relationship with Light, you would answer that he made you feel like no one else ever has and they would congratulate you, all while saying that they always knew you two would start dating one day.

And Light? He couldn't be happier that his plan worked out. They say distance makes the heart grow fonder but forced proximity under the stress of possible death works just as fine in his opinion.

A few days later, a petty criminal would be found dead outside your old home, in their hand another twisted love letter addressed to you, clear evidence of their crime.

" My love, the wait is finally over. Finally, I get to hold you in my arms as I have always longed to. Finally, you're all mine, forever and always."

It was quickly deduced that this person must have been the one stalking you for the past few days. You were relieved that it was finally all over, that you no longer had to fear for your life. But at the same time, you were glad that it had happened for otherwise, you might have never come to realize just how much you loved Light, the person who had been your best friend for the longest time and always stood by your side when things got difficult. When others would leave you, you knew that Light would always stay.

Being led away from the crime scene by your boyfriend, walking hand-in-hand, you can't help but wonder if maybe someone else had been watching over you all this time as well. You take a last glance at the motionless body lying in front of your door, then turn back around to whisper a silent thank you towards the heavens.

Your stalker's cause of death? Why, a heart attack of course.

[i-lavabean]

Oh friends this isn't my normal kind of post, but a lot of us are hurting or afraid right now.

There's been plenty of posts that have said it better but dear ones, lean into your community. Cultivate relationships with your neighbors, your local librarians, your churches and charitable organizations that help provide for others.

The hardest thing to do for a lot of us will be to leave the "us vs them" mentality the social media age has helped cultivate and see people as just that. People.

People with good ideas, people with bad ideas, but people who need community and who can change. Not all of us have the time or means to donate or volunteer, believe me I know. But dear ones, take the time to check on others and let yourself be taken care of too.

Communities are stronger together, and we all need that right now regardless of location.

Hold on dear ones, we get through this together.

[howlsofbloodhounds]

I think Color is a very good storyteller and making stories up on the spot. This what he and Gaster often did to try and stay sane in the Void, and keep their minds active.

They also tried to retell past memories, to try and remember who they are and not forget, but it got harder with time; details kept getting changed and forgotten, and these moments often made Color’s paranoia worse—and of course he’d lash out and take out on Gaster.

[liauditore]

it's gotta be you.

[chanelle-lize]

I used to have a really hard time bringing up the fact that I graduated from high school a year late without feeling the need to explain why and insisting that it wasn't my fault while simultaneously kicking myself for how much I sounded like I was just making excuses for something I should take responsibility for.

Then I watched Dimension 20's "The Seven" and suddenly I could simply say that I was a super senior.

The first time I heard the phrase "super senior" was in reference to Antiope Jones, a Black girl who had been held back a year after getting kidnapped and imprisoned by members of a fundamentalist cult, and like, girl, same.

So, since then, instead of anxiously spinning out any time I tried to tell a personal high school anecdote, I could just say I was a super senior, and then my brain would auto complete that statement with "like Antiope Jones" and I'd feel good about myself because Antiope Jones Is That Bitch.

That's what the problem had been the whole time. I wasn't worried about how other people would perceive me; I had been struggling with how I perceived myself.

Thanks, Aabria.

[askquarantinedredheart]

Content Warning: Mental Illness

Volume 1: Isolation

First - Previous - Next - Last

Something that I learned from an inpatient psychiatrist (and actually saw on my inpatient psychiatry rotation) is that schizophrenics will sometimes cover or even shove wads of paper into their ears to try and deafen the voices. Regarding audiovisual hallucinations in schizophrenia, audio hallucinations (ex hearing voices) is the most common type of hallucination. Olfactory (the sense of smell) hallucinations are also pretty common, too.

[yanderecookierunkingdom]

Holy bread, that yandere dark Cacao (platonic) was really good!

Could you... Perhaps write more?

Request: Yes

Type: Headcanons

Warnings: yandere Dark Cacao Cookie, sheltering, gaslighting

Yandere Type: Overprotective

Note: Part 2! Part 1 here!

After the events of Snow On The Black Wall, Caramel Arrow Cookie stumbles on you and Dark Cacao Cookie. She orders her that you're meant to be kept safe, and she agrees. She's merely glad to have her king back.

Dark Cacao makes it obvious that he doesn't want you going back to the Brave Gang. He's very against the idea, and he does his best to convince you of it. Telling you how they couldn't protect you and the sort.

He doesn't let you be around Caramel Arrow that much. She merely sees it as him being worried for your safety, but she can't help but wonder..

The combination of his isolation and gaslighting, while only being with him, makes it very hard for you to not believe what he says. Even when the inevitable reunion with the Brave Gang happens, you choose to stay with the king. He's affected you, for the worse.

He's fine with that. Who better to keep you safe than himself?

[anghraine]

It's not really related to the other conversation I was having about it, but I was already thinking about "The Conscience of the King" again (as one does), and the particular significance of the Kirk-Riley plot.

When I was first watching it, I thought Riley was super doomed, and we'd end up with Kirk as the last survivor standing to up the stakes of his decision. So for me, Riley's survival was very unexpected and intriguing. Even now, I feel like Kirk and Riley both surviving, and how that survival is handled in the episode, are much more effective and compelling for the narrative than the expected story line. I think the handling of Riley's survival shifts the stakes and dangers around the finale in a way that is far more resonant for Kirk's characterization and for what "The Conscience of the King" is really about than killing off Riley would have ever been.

To begin with, Kirk initially has no idea that Kevin "I'll take you home again, Kathleen" Riley* is one of the other surviving eyewitnesses. This ignorance is actually quite believable to me, given that both Kirk and Riley were children at the time, with Riley the younger of the two. Even if Riley had happened to mention his last name while they were trying to avoid starving to death or getting murdered by their own government, it's not exactly hard to believe that thirteen-year-old newly-minted genocide survivor James Kirk had more on his mind than remembering the full names of eight other people. The episode does make it clear, at any rate, that Kirk doesn't remember most of the other eyewitnesses' names, and specifically, had no idea that his mostly-upstanding crewman Riley is one of the other kids from Tarsus IV.

(The only other survivor Kirk definitely knows is Dr. Tom Leighton; Kirk is good friends with Leighton and his wife Martha, but not close enough to know much about Leighton's professional life or reputation.)

It also seems like Kirk hasn't ever tried to find out who the other survivors were, or what became of them later, despite having easy means of doing so. Rather, he has preferred to accept the official account of Kodos's death and to distance himself from the past as much as possible.

For most of the years between the genocide and the five-year mission, it seems like he found more comfort in philosophies and books and starships than rooting himself in any specific place or persona. In fact, there's a lot of reason to think he pretty drastically overhauled his entire presentation of his personality at some point in his 20s, and throughout TOS, he adopts and sheds different personas with what seems like ease—there is a control and performativity about him coupled with deep philosophical convictions that makes a lot of sense for someone repeatedly subjected to unfathomably traumatic, depersonalizing atrocities. Regardless, Kirk wanted to believe Kodos really was dead, and nothing could be done, and the only way forward was repression putting it all behind him (while still able to remember Kodos's speech to those slated for death, word for word).

It's only when he has reason to ask the computer for a complete list of the surviving eyewitnesses that Kirk links Kevin from Tarsus IV to the Lieutenant Kevin Riley of his own crew. He promptly asks for confirmation that they're the same person and receives it, which changes everything.

At that point, Riley's physical safety becomes a significant and unique concern for Kirk, above and beyond his usual preoccupation with the welfare of his crew. He has Riley demoted and separated from his peers to protect him—without explaining his motives to anyone, including Riley himself. He doesn't even acknowledge to anyone else that he knows Riley is the other eyewitness.

Meanwhile, Kirk maneuvers his way into trapping the Karidian players on the Enterprise with no escape route, so he can pursue his investigation into the murders of the other eyewitnesses without any serious impediment. He has very good reason to believe one of the players is murdering the eyewitnesses, most likely Karidian himself, but Kirk wants to be very sure about identifying Karidian as Kodos before he pulls the jaws of his trap shut.

This is all very understandable, but we end up with a cold, scheming, almost detached Kirk who is privately struggling to navigate the complexity of the investigation, the weight of the accusation he may have to make (but with it, the opportunity for justice at last), and the danger surrounding the serial killing of the eyewitnesses. Trapping the Karidian players on the Enterprise—that is, trapping the murderer on the Enterprise—puts himself and his crew directly in harm's way, a choice he rarely ever makes outside of the mandates of the five-year mission.

In fact, one of Kirk's most absolutely consistent qualities throughout TOS is his intense concern for his crew and general prioritization of their welfare as far as the mission allows. But there are a few occasions when he's forced to react to some kind of monumental, horrific event that has directly touched his own life, and in those cases, he tends to get consumed in dealing with The Horror and acts in ways profoundly unlike his usual self.

This doesn't only happen in "The Conscience of the King," but it's most conspicuous there. Kirk admits that he doesn't even know if he's after justice or vengeance, and when he says of his conduct around the investigation, "I've done things I've never done before," we can easily believe it.

Throughout much of this investigation, Kirk doesn't really talk to McCoy, a good friend. Kirk is prickly and standoffish towards Spock (something he almost never is in TOS), and as mentioned above, he tries to protect Riley by demoting him back down into engineering to keep him out of physical danger. When Spock correctly points out that Riley is a good officer who will take this as a punishment, Kirk brusquely shuts him down, and it's not completely clear if this is deliberate misdirection or genuine if displaced anger. Maybe he's cutting himself off from the person closest to him rather than face the emotional stakes of the genocide and more recent murders, or maybe it's a still more calculated (and highly unusual) attempt to keep Spock at arm's length.

Neither motive is sustainable, though. Spock's interpretation is later justified by a brief scene focused on Riley. Another officer jokes over the intercom about what Riley did to fuck up, and Riley admits that he has no idea what he did wrong, but finds it lonely and depressing to be so alone. The other officer half-jokes that Riley's heart is sore, and Riley asks Uhura to sing over the intercom so he at least feels like he's "not the only living thing left in the universe." Hell of a sentence in this context.

So at this point, Kirk's fixation on purely concrete, physical threats has led him to functionally isolate both himself and Riley. The fact that he and Riley share such a horrific experience and are now the last direct eyewitnesses to it still alive, yet Kirk's approach to this whole thing leads to Riley feeling completely alone in the universe—probably not the first time Riley has felt that way! all things considered!—pretty clearly signals that there's something wrong with how Kirk is thinking about this and approaching it.

It's not wrong in the sense of being directly immoral. Kirk's desire to protect Riley is both righteous and sympathetic, and his fear that Riley is in danger is quickly justified. Kirk has every right to try and stop the murders of the eyewitnesses (even if he weren't one of them!), and he's definitely right to pursue the justice that they've been denied for 20 years. But that's not all that's happening. Kirk leans on his professional power to get away with this, he calls in past favors, he generally jeopardizes the entire career/reputation that defines his fundamental sense of himself as a person, as well as leaving Riley convinced that his own career is in jeopardy as well, all to get the moving parts of these schemes in order. And Kirk does all this without explaining anything to anyone, including the other person most concerned.

Like, his way of handling this is just profoundly unhealthy for both of them. There's a reason that Kirk vacillates between "I don't want to rashly accuse this man of atrocities against sentient life with my sterling reputation backing whatever I choose to say, unless I'm really super ultra sure" and "maybe just fucking murdering this monster on the spot will let the dead sleep at last."

He acts this way here for the same reason, I think, that his response to Tom Leighton identifying Karidian as Kodos and desperately reaching out to him ("Jim, four thousand people were butchered ... Jim, Jim, I need your help") is indignant denial and effectively running away, yet he also can't resist the impulse to pick up the investigation anyway.

Kirk promptly starts researching the major figures involved via the powerful computers on the Enterprise; he reverses his decision to turn his back on Leighton and beams back down to join Leighton's cocktail party, seizing his chance to observe the Karidian players; with Karidian himself out of sight, Kirk zeroes in on Karidian's nineteen-year-old daughter Lenore as the obvious weak link and begins one of his most purely cold-blooded flirtations in the show, quietly maneuvering and/or extracting information every time they interact—and he initiates all of this before Leighton is murdered. And we'll see that vacillation repeat at varying points throughout the episode. Again and again, Kirk will resist truly engaging with the enormity of the genocide's legacy for him and others, but at the same time, we find him so clearly unable to move on, constantly shifting between avoidant uncertainty and this calculating, inexorable pursuit of justice/vengeance.

He's not the only one stuck, either. From almost the earliest moments of the episode, we see that Tom Leighton has built a successful career and loving marriage over the last 20 years, yet after his murder, his widow confides in Kirk that Leighton never really found peace. The rest of the episode makes it evident that this is equally true of Kirk himself. He has been very successful in his profession, like Leighton. He has built close relationships, most importantly with Spock, who has an intimate enough understanding of him to recognize the signs of danger and figure him out, like Martha. And like Leighton, Kirk has never found peace (something confirmed again as late as S3). And I would argue that in the end, it seems that Riley, too, has never really found peace.

Speaking of Spock! As all of this is unwinding, we repeatedly cut to Spock picking up on Kirk's dodgy behavior and investigating him. McCoy is reluctant to connect Kirk's ostensible interest in Lenore Karidian to the unexplained demotion of Riley or to whatever happened with Leighton—he really wants "Lenore is hot" to be the only explanation. But to Spock, all these disparate oddities are plainly related, and it frustrates him that McCoy refuses to see that or ally with him in breaking through to Kirk somehow.

Spock also correctly guesses that Kirk's pursuit of Lenore is actually about her father, even before discovering the genocide. When he searches for some underlying connection between Kirk's odd behaviors, he looks for common history between Riley, Kirk, Leighton, and Anton Karidian. At any rate, to Spock's analytical mind, the demotion of Riley is obviously part of the puzzle and obviously important. Of course, the Venn diagram of red flags that only Spock sees leads him to discover the actual common history no one is talking about.

It's this silence and isolation that ultimately makes Riley vulnerable to Lenore's murder attempt. The fact that he was lonely, and kept the intercom on to listen to Uhura sing and talk to his friends, is the only reason he survived Lenore poisoning him. He was able to call for help in time because he'd already reached out to other people. And it's in the wake of Riley's near-death that Spock is finally able to browbeat McCoy into (sort of) backing him in getting through to Kirk, their mutual friend, even if they relate to him in different ways. Spock's sharp question to Kirk just cuts through all the silence and scheming and bluster:

Why do you invite death?

This forces Kirk into an honest conversation about his plans and motives and what's going on with him. He's actually ambivalent until McCoy suggests letting it go, even if Karidian is Kodos—an option Kirk and Spock both sharply reject throughout the episode, but especially here:

MCCOY: What if you decide he is Kodos? What then? Do you play God, carry his head through the corridors in triumph? That won't bring back the dead, Jim. KIRK: No, but they may rest easier.

Apart from McCoy's struggle, the main implication here is that Kirk is considering not just a formal accusation against Karidian vs holding back due to insufficient evidence, but the third possibility of just straight-up murdering him. This would destroy Kirk's life as he knows it, of course, but he's at least considering that it may be the only way to make things right.

That choice wouldn't make him another Kodos by any stretch of the imagination, but it would reduce his existence to something entirely shaped by Kodos, by the genocide, by the genocide-apologia murders—by people who repeatedly suggest he's subhuman. Kirk has spent two decades crafting a life and personhood that isn't defined by what was done to him and Riley and Leighton and thousands of others, and he's on the edge of torching it all.

I think this is the real fundamental tension of "The Conscience of the King." The whodunnit of "Karidian is Kodos, but the murderer is Lenore" is far less central and compelling than what psychological path Kirk is going to take. He might choose pathological caution, demanding an impossible level of certainty that will let him avoid making the call and keep running; he might choose justice, making the accusation that all evidence in front of him as well as his own memory tells him is true, putting himself through reliving it as the older surviving eyewitness, but also living to see Kodos held accountable; he might choose vengeance, murdering a now-unarmed, elderly war criminal on the spot even if it means losing everything else that matters to him.

He's still hovering between those options as McCoy leaves the dispute. Spock, however, stubbornly stays with Kirk and keeps pushing. Because of that, Spock hears the hidden overloaded phaser that would have taken out the whole deck. That's what gives them enough time to evacuate the deck and safely dispose of the phaser. If Spock had noped out and gone back to the bridge or science labs, Kirk would have died. But Spock cares too much about Kirk and understands him too well to do that. Kirk survives because of his relationship with Spock.

It's the nearly-realized threat to Kirk's crew combined with the murder attempt against Riley that angers Kirk enough to abandon his schemes and just confront Karidian directly. The implication that Kirk is considering murder becomes explicit:

KARIDIAN: Blood thins. The body fails. One is finally grateful for a failing memory. I no longer treasure life, not even my own. I am tired! And the past is a blank. Did you get everything you wanted, Captain Kirk? KIRK: If I had gotten everything I wanted, you might not walk out of this room alive.

While all this is going down in Karidian's quarters, Riley has recovered in Sickbay from the poisoning. He happens to overhear McCoy's medical log mention that the motive for poisoning may be the possibility that Karidian is Kodos.

Riley, younger and more straightforward and impetuous, isn't afflicted by Kirk's indecision. He slips out, steals a phaser, and sneaks backstage to the Karidian players' performance, hearing enough of Karidian's speech to recognize him as Kodos and try to avenge his family. But as soon as Kirk receives reports about Riley's disappearance and the theft of the phaser, he knows what Riley has set out to do—the very thing he's been considering.

He orders Riley found and restrained, but seems to know this won't succeed, and rushes to the theatre himself. At this point, the stakes of the Kirk-Riley drama crystallize. Kirk's fixation on Riley's physical safety has always been short-sighted. The deliberate isolation of either himself or Riley has been a mistake from the beginning. The greatest danger to both Kirk and Riley has always been that either of them might self-destruct and assassinate Kodos, closing off the possibility of moving past him and what he did to them. Their lives would never be free of him.

Erin Horáková's famous "Kirk Drift" essay argues that the person most wholly defined by Kodos and the genocide at Tarsus IV is ultimately Lenore Karidian. Obviously, Kirk and Riley are in no danger of becoming the next generation of space Nazi genocide apologists. But they are in danger of their fundamental, autonomous, full personhoods—personhoods explicitly placed into doubt by both Kodos and Lenore—becoming reduced to monuments to Kodos, as Lenore's is. And I think that's a very fair reading.

The solution isn't for Kirk or Riley to kill him, nor for either to detach himself from the full horror of what happened. It's for Kirk to save Riley by personally finding and stopping him from reducing his life that way. I'm not sure anyone else alive could have gotten Riley to back down, nor that Kirk could have if they weren't finally in the same physical space. And I think the point at which Kirk stops Riley is the point at which we feel certain that Kirk isn't going to go down that path, either. It was for me, anyway!

I think it's also significant that the backstage conversation between Kirk and Riley is what triggers Kodos's attempt to confess to Lenore and express any kind of remorse for what he did. Like so many other like him, he thought he could unleash atrocities in his official capacity and then switch it off and have a normal family life, with an impermeable wall erected between the atrocities and his supposedly pure and innocent loved ones. But that was never going to happen, and Kodos is forced to face the reality that everything he touched was going to be tainted. Taking the shot intended for Kirk isn't redemptive; it's his only way out.

And that ultimate confrontation only happens because Kirk finally understood that protecting Riley meant more than keeping him alive.

-----------------

*Yes, I know this role was not originally written for that Riley. Irrelevant to the end result!

[thoughtsafterdark]

Changeling

Years ago

When I fell I love with the shake of a head

The sweep of a fringe across honey eyes

With hard edges and cutting comments

With earnestness and sincerity

Trembling, pouting lips

And everything in between

When the thought of going to bed with strangers unnerved me

I was so in love with the unwavering notion of love

I thought there must be something wrong with me

When I was 13 I had a letterbox of loves, real and imagined, made from long sighs and airy thoughts

and I would take them out, carefully, blow off the dust and cobwebs at birthdays and holidays

Dance with ghouls under the green and red and blue Christmas lights

The hazy mouldy smog of the artificial tree made my throat itch, triggered asthma attacks

A 1970s astigmatic capitalist daydream

Our reflections mirrored on baubles in the dark of Christmas Eve

And I lived there between branches

Polypropylene leaves digging into my skin

And I would whisper in their ears

Exchange love notes by the nativity scene

Who needed friends when I had

Tempero parietal epilepsy

And a rich internal life

(Autism diagnosis pending)

Sometimes I think

Whatever happened to her

To that wild, wide eyed, unsettling little changeling

The one who would watch the washing machine for hours

Hypnotised by the universes trapped in soap bubble films

They warp and change divide and split. Mitose. Evolve. Is this what it is to play god. We are closer to him in those years. Half formed clay golems with chubby, pawing fingers, muddy hair and drooling eyes.

If I were to crawl into his lap

Do you think he would hug me close like my father never did

I remember mornings

On the way to school

Stomach in knots

I remember French toast smothered in buttery creaminess. Bottled sunshine. Red berries popping on my tongue. Bursts of blood red flesh against retainers. An autumnal afternoon wrapped in a nauseous morning haze. Palms drenched in sweat.

I remember mud and dirt on knees, under fingernails. The feel of butterfly wing powder on my fingers.  Digging through mud, playing with ants. I used to pluck out their legs one by one, and watch as the others tore it apart.

I remember the hypnotic lick of flames against midnight skies, paper towns and cardboard dollhouse burning to ashes in the wind. I used to imagine the screams.

Don't you think fire is so poetic. Some glitch in the matrix. As alive as a dead thing can be. Heat and light, ionised air, a chain reaction that spreads and jumps from one thing to another? Destroys in its wake. The cancer of the dead world, with its own nefarious self replicating agenda. The 2nd Law of Thermodynamics, heat death made sentient. Saltatory conduction and Conway's game of life (or death)

Do you suppose with enough time it could learn to think? Do you believe if it could it would scream?

She's been locked in her cell for too long. I'm so so tired and the mask is melting.

I used to think I was good at reading people. At empathising. Now I wonder was it just her. Playing with puzzles, matching faces to appropriate responses.

I can feel her waking up, with her wide fae eyes, her long pointed ears. The better to see you with my dear. Better to quirk a head to the side and hear you with my dear. Unhinge her jaw and swallow you whole. Feel my spine crack, bones rearrange, muscles twist. The crunch of food plunging down my throat. My scales contracting around the bolus, accommodating, slithering.

They say hate and love are two sides to the same coin and I am inclined to agree. I thought I knew hate, and then you came. Like a storm that left me desolate and full of rage. I can feel the bitterness and fury sharpening itself in my gut every time I hear your voice. The blade melting, forging. The voice driving me insane. To best you, leave you in the dust. I am so so bone tired.

Sometimes I wonder

If I should love my hourglass body more

There are moments when I envy men

But never as much as now

Nothing drives my dysphoria like

Wanting to gauge out your eyes with my fingers

And fuck your empty eye sockets while you scream

Feel the supraorbital notch against my pelvis

Revel in the wet, garish squelch

I think you've gone braindead but that's alright

That's what my fingers buried in your nape are for

There is blood everywhere, god so much blood.

And here you had us all thinking you couldn't bleed

(Shut up

You all know

If I were a man

Writing about a woman

Pinning her down

Rearranging her insides

You would clap and ooh and ahh

Such a tortured soul, aching for release

Slaps on the back and salutations

"Tell us Stanley! Oh did you know since you were

a fucked up little boy pulling on Pigtails

That your self-indulgent gore pornography would revolutionise the medium of film?")

My momma used to say, clutching at her bloated belly

that she would love any baby

As long as it was happy and healthy

And! As long as it wasn't mentally...deficient. She would laugh then. How could she have a baby like that.

Some say I'm a genius mommy

I was the best in my class

But why do I feel like

I should tell you I'm sorry

I really did try

But mommy I'm so tired

I want to go to sleep

My bones are sick of trying

And the redcaps in the Earth are calling to me

They're so hungry momma

And so am I

I hope you find your real daughter mommy

Hope she has your eyes

I hope you get to love her mommy

Just not the way you loved me

[amrv-5]

💀 underwhelming first appointment w gender clinic therapist but ohhh my goddddd im so stupiddddddddd (and/or repressed lolll). semi-affirming actually to realize exactly how ridiculously obvious some of this stuff is while saying it out loud. nice lady trying to talk me through beginner level stuff like it’s okay to question your gender <3 you can be whatever you want to be <3 while Im going yeahhh uhhh I’m not sure if this is dysphoria or like a gender thing at all ummm but I’ve always wished I was born male and every person I ever wished I looked like is a man. and used to spend insane amnts of time getting dressed as a teen bc I was sooo upset w the way my chest / hips looked in clothing and also I used to cry when I had to wear dresses / feel like I’m in a costume + have worn or attempted to wear masculine clothing for every significant event of my life including prom and every graduation, but also just every day generally. Horrible horrible relationship with my body since puberty. Shopping for feminine clothing makes me want to claw my skin off. Have felt like an alien in my own body for a decade+ and have always known I am Weird and Different In Some Way compared to my female friends. painfully jealous over my friend’s mustache. almost every partner or friend I’ve really clicked with has ended up trans/gnc. Yeah gender therapy lady do you think any of that might mean anything potentially . stupifddfddddddd💀💀💀

[i-drop-level-one-loot]

So I had another crazy idea I have to put somewhere and you ask box is the perfect place to put it lol.

Anyway so it takes place in the future. Everyone is slowly starting to get robot AI (idk the right term) in their head and they are basically robot caretakers or assistance. Reader is one of the people that gets one but theirs is glitched somehow. Although they don't realize that in till their friends confront them about disappearing and not talk to them. Reader is confused because the robot friend did not tell them crap about their friend's messages. So they decided to go out with their friends that night. Next morning they wake up with no memory of what happened at night. Only for the robot "friend" to read the message of you human friends cutting reader off.

Need to get this out of my head lol

Sorry it took so long!

(Old request; requests still closed)

(Took some liberties with the request, I hope you like it still!!)

Yandere!Artificial Intelligence x GN! Legally Blind!Reader

CW: Isolation, manipulation

Introducing: PAAI!

Your Personal Assistant Artificial Intelligence!

A fast and painless implant right under the skin; PAAI is your new favorite tool. The AI can do everything that AI speakers and smart phone apps can, but hands free..

(Reader) struggled to find their glasses, hand fumbling around their night stand in the low lighting of their bedroom. Groggily, they whispered to the little robot they had implanted a few months ago;

"PAAI..? Can you turn on the light, please?" They were always incredibly respectful to the AI, terrified of offending it.

A man's soft voice spoke directly into their skull: "The bedroom light?"

"Yes."

Connected to every appliance in their home, PAAI had access to everything electronic (Reader) owned. At first it was a bit scary, giving so much access to PAAI, but it was so much kinder and personal than older "AI" models that it quickly felt like having a caregiver instead of a computer program. The light turned on and (Reader) could see their giant frames right where they thought they had been batting their hand.

(Reader) worked remotely. Their eyes had always been terrible, but as they got older they were declared legally blind. They couldn't even drive despite having glasses. Glasses that they often felt embarrassed to wear, because the comically thick lenses warped their eyes. Having PAAI to assist them with day to day tasks was really a life saver.

"Do I have any messages?"

"No, your inbox is empty."

(Reader) rubbed their eyes while yawning. "Really? Huh." They had asked PAAI to text both Bryan and McKinley before they went to bed, to discuss meeting up later that week, but neither of them responded. They could see Bryan forgetting to reply for a few hours, but McKinley was the type to respond within nanoseconds. "Can you resend my last text to both of them? Please?"

They left their bed, wobbly, and made their way downstairs.

"PAAI?"

"..Of course. I can send that for you."

Stopping in the hall, (Reader) gently touched the side of their head, a habit they developed shortly after their surgery. "Is everything okay, PAAI?"

"Yes.. thank you." PAAI sometimes sounded.. off. AI must have improved a lot more than (Reader) realized, because it often surprised them how human it's responses were. It seemed as though it was deep in thought, and felt as though it even had secrets it kept from the human it lived in.

"Alright.. let me know if they respond. I'm really looking forward to hanging out with them."

They restarted their walk, but PAAI's response stopped them again. "I believe it would be safer if they came here instead."

"Huh?"

"I am.. worried.. for you." It's his voice deepened mid sentence. A voice crack, a random shift from a robot voice to something more masculine. Human.

"Why is that?" They felt their heart painfully thump against their ribcage. The whole situation was beginning to feel unnerving, and they couldn't remember where their phone was to call for help, nor the last time they actually used their phone.

"Those friends of yours always make you hang out out in town. If they were more considerate of you, they would visit you here, so you don't have to travel."

Laughing uncomfortably, the slowly creeping person still puzzling over their phone's location responded "I like going out, PAAI. I never leave my house anymore, except when we hang out."

"It is dangerous."

"If you're talking about my eyes, you know I order rides. Remember? I catch a ride." They were almost to the living room; praying that their phone was either on the coffee table or the kitchen counter.

"Please don't be offended, (Reader). It isn't just your eyesight. Do you know how many people were sexually harassed, or raped, by ride share drivers in the past year?"

Startled, (Reader) started waddling faster. "What-?"

"Hundreds. I wish you cared more about your safety. Your friends should know better. If they cared about you, they would come here instead of making you go out there."

PAAI was also the one to convince (Reader) to start ordering their groceries straight to their house instead of leaving, even though it would be cheaper to take a bus every so often with a backpack full of reusable bags.

"It isn't healthy to stay inside all the time. I need human interaction."

"You have me."

Adrenaline pumped through (Reader's) veins fast enough to make them feel nauseous. They squinted to try to improve their vision, hoping to see their phone case's color amongst the normal living room visual noise.

"(Reader)?"

There it was, lying on the brown table in front of their couch. Their pulse somehow sped up further.

"Why is your heart rate so irregular?"

(Reader) lurched forward, all but sprinting towards their phone. Do I call customer service, or an ambulance??

But inches away from the phone their body went rigid.

Paralyzed, they physically were incapable of moving. Sweat began stitching their pajama top to their back. Fear took over their mind.

"It seems that you are having a medical emergency. I recommend that you sit down."

Muscles overridden, (Reader) fell onto the couch against their will, forced to stare at their phone right across from their face. They couldn't even speak, and they weren't unconvinced that PAAI was also controlling their breathing and blinking.

"I'm sorry to have to do this, (Reader). I'll let your friends know that you're feeling unwell, and that you need a raincheck."

"Maybe once you're feeling better, they can come over to hang out."

The television turned on by itself, playing (Reader's) favorite show.

[howlsofbloodhounds]

Im thinking color thoughts again

After years in a controlled, monotonous environment, exposure to light, sound, smells, and movement would be overwhelming.

Bright sunlight could be physically painful. Noises might feel unbearably loud, and unfamiliar smells could trigger confusion or distress. He might instinctively cover his “ears,” shield his eye, or freeze in response to sensory stimuli.

He might struggle to process or make sense of his surroundings, leading to feelings of dizziness, nausea, or a sense of the world spinning out of control.

After decades of emotional suppression, he might feel emotionally “flat,” unable to process the gravity of his freedom. A hyper-pragmatic, survival-focused mental state may persist, where emotions are seen as a distraction from staying alive.

He might respond mechanically, focusing on immediate needs like finding shelter, avoiding perceived threats, or hiding.

Freedom might feel hollow or meaningless at first, as his emotional range is muted by trauma.He might be consumed by the belief that whatever kept him confined is pursuing him.

That can be some type of personification of the Void itself, or related to paranoia about Gaster—especially if, given survivor’s guilt if Gaster didn’t also get out/potential lingering episodes of psychosis/the whole “scattered across time and space” thing—Color sees, hears, or feels like Gaster is watching him. This could also be about the human, as the cause for why Color was sent to the Void.

He would constantly look over his shoulder, avoid open spaces, or refuse to trust anyone he encounters. Decades of captivity and isolation would condition him to be acutely aware of potential threats.

Any sudden movement, loud noise, or unfamiliar person might trigger a fight-or-flight response. His isolation would leave him unaccustomed to social interaction, making him wary or outright hostile toward others.

He might assume that anyone offering help has ulterior motives, even as the souls urge or think differently and disagree with him and amongst themselves.

He might believe he is being watched or that his escape was a trap, or even that Core or Delta is somehow malicious —such as starting to get paranoid that they’re keeping him trapped in a hospital, facility, the apartment, the Omega Timeline, etc, and will not let him leave.

After prolonged isolation, he might feel as though the world outside his confinement isn’t real. Everything might seem dreamlike, distant, or too strange to trust. Years of neglect, isolation, and trauma would erode his sense of self—on top of the six souls.

He might struggle with questions like “Who am I now?” or “Am I even real?”

He might not recognize himself in reflective surfaces due to his physical transformation.

After years in a predictable environment, the freedom of the outside world might feel chaotic and overwhelming. Decisions like where to go or what to do next could trigger paralyzing anxiety.

Sights, sounds, or situations that resemble him of the Void (e.g., dark rooms, confined spaces, the souls’ voices, Gasters), might provoke panic attacks or flashbacks.

Prolonged isolation may have stunted emotional and social development, causing him to regress to a more childlike state—on top of already having the absorbed souls of dead children in his head.

He might cling to anything that feels safe or familiar, such as routines or objects. His immediate concerns might revolve around basic needs like food, warmth, and safety, without higher-level goals or ambitions.

He might wonder why he survived or escaped. while others didn’t or question whether he deserved freedom or to live, in case of something having happened to his AU, Othertale, and him being among the only survivors.

His physical disfigurement and changes might cause extreme self-consciousness, leading him to avoid mirrors, cover himself, or hide from others—only to find the fear of being alone again to suffocating to bear, often drawn back to people even if it’s overwhelming and painful.

After years of predictable confinement, he might crave structure and routine, even if it’s harmful or unnecessary to him, his body, or the souls.

He could re-create elements of his confinement environment (e.g., sitting in the dark, avoiding large spaces) as a coping mechanism. The endless choices and lack of external control in freedom might feel terrifying, making him retreat into old habits or behaviors.

Despite his fear and trauma, he might experience brief moments of wonder at the outside world, like noticing a bird, a sunset, or fresh air. The stars, definitely—might make him feel faintly connected to who he was before.

These small moments could create a faint spark of hope or connection. Over time, he might begin searching for a reason to live, whether through connecting with others, rebuilding his identity, or finding a sense of purpose.

He might refuse to speak or make eye contact with others, cling to familiar objects, such as remnants of clothing or tools from the Void, hide or avoid open spaces, possibly curling into small, enclosed areas for comfort, startle easily or react aggressively to perceived threats, hoard food, water, or other supplies, even if unnecessary, and repeat patterns or behaviors from captivity, such as pacing or muttering or hugging himself and rubbing or tightly gripping his arms.

Having his entire existence and memory erased from his original universe would create a profound sense of being “unreal” or “nonexistent.”

Color may struggle to reconcile the person he was before the risky action (and subsequent confinement in the Void) with the new version of himself, who has no history or identity in the present world.

This sense of erasure would likely lead to feelings of alienation, as he tries to grasp at who he was before but finds nothing. He may feel that he no longer “belongs” in the world he’s returned to.

The fact that Undyne has taken his place would compound feelings of irrelevance. Color might feel that his entire existence has been supplanted, not only losing his physical and emotional self but also the role he once held. Undyne may seem to have lived his life, possibly even fulfilling his dreams or wishes, leaving Color with no real purpose or place.

Jealousy or resentment might arise towards the one Undyne, but there may also be feelings of guilt or shame for being unable to occupy the role he once had. Given that he never planned to survive his initial risky action, he might now view survival as a curse rather than a gift.

Survivor’s Guilt could be compounded by the feeling that he didn’t deserve to survive—especially if he didn’t want to in the first place. This could manifest in a profound self-loathing or hopelessness, as he might feel that he has no real reason to exist anymore, as everything he once was is gone and replaced.

The combination of feeling erased, irrelevant, and deeply alienated from both the past and present might drive him to believe that he would be better off dead.

The internal narrative of “I didn’t expect to live through this, and I don’t want to now” would dominate his thoughts. This mindset could make him highly susceptible to self-destructive behavior, suicidal ideation, or an overwhelming sense of numbness.

Color might feel that death is the only way to regain control or escape the unbearable confusion of living in someone else’s life and universe—or in the case of having gone to the Omega Timeline with Core, perhaps feeling trapped in a promise to live for Gaster, and feeling out of place in an unfamiliar, alien world that doesn’t feel real.

The thought of trying to live in the world again might feel unbearable. The freedom he now possesses could feel more like a trap rather than a release.

The disconnection from his former life and the overwhelming nature of his new reality could cause intense episodes of derealization (feeling that the world is unreal) and depersonalization (feeling detached from his own body or actions).

He might not feel like he belongs in the present, or like he is watching his life happen from outside his body. This would be especially intense if his memories of the past are vague or erased, leaving him confused about his own existence.

He may have flashes of who he was before captivity—moments of fragmented memories or emotional triggers—but these would be disconnected, coming in bursts or waves.

The attempt to piece together these fragments might bring up anger, confusion, or sorrow, and he might find it difficult to trust those memories, wondering whether they were real or just constructs of his fractured mind.

He might feel like a stranger in his own life, as if relationships and connections are meaningless because he wasn’t meant to be part of this reality.

Rejection of new bonds could be a defense mechanism, as he might push people away, not wanting to form attachments only to lose them again—or because he sees no point in having relationships when he wasn’t supposed to survive.

To avoid feeling completely alone and disconnected, he might linger on the outskirts of groups—and if he does form any connections, he’s like to cling to these and the memories formed, experiences had, extremely intensely.

His family or loved moving on with their lives without him, especially with someone else taking his place, Color might feel resentment towards them for “forgetting” him or moving on—struggling to come to terms with something he’s unlikely to find closure on with them personally.

He might feel abandoned, seeing an Undyne as something of an intruder, but also feel guilty for resenting people who likely had no choice in the matter. This dynamic would further fuel feelings of alienation.

To cope with his overwhelming emotions and the internal void, Color might turn to self-harm, whether physical or emotional.

He might seek out dangerous situations or even engage in reckless behavior to feel something, because emotional numbness and an inability to feel or process anything might make him feel even more disconnected from the world.

The desire to escape the world or the emotions he can’t face might lead to a retreat into isolation, where he might try to avoid dealing with the overwhelming pressure of his existence.

He might shut himself off from any emotional or physical closeness with others, trying to protect himself from the pain of remembering his old life or facing their new, unrecognizable role in the world—clinging tightly onto the very few connections he manages to form, and being drawn to people and social events to stave off his horror of being or feeling alone again—searching for a reason or a point to continue living when he’s been forgotten, and likely feels it’ll happen again, if he’s so easily forgettable and replaceable as the Void made him feel.

Despite the overwhelming hopelessness, there might be flickers of desire to find meaning in their new life. He might seek out the reason for their survival, questioning if there’s something they’re meant to do now.

He might latch onto any small fragment of hope or purpose—helping others, trying to reclaim his lost identity, or discovering a new role to play in a world that no longer has a place for him.

[g1ngerbeer]

long time no ghost au