#it has been a difficult year mentally wise for me...

[treloninjaki]

What if...

[tarotwithlove]

PICK A CARD ⋆ 2024 Predictions!

reminder that this is a general reading and messages found here may not apply to everyone. take what resonates, leave what doesn't, and don't force anything if it does not fit.

BOOK A READING WITH ME · BOOK A 2024 YEAR AHEAD READING WITH ME (GENERAL OR NSFW) · LINKTREE · 18+ PATREON · SUGGEST A PAC TOPIC · TIPS ♡ tips, bookings, and feedback are highly appreciated!

GROUP ONE

• reprieve from financial struggles. sudden positive turnaround or breakthrough in avenues you are, and have been, actively pursuing. modelling is significant, think also modelling clay. 

• ‘california love’ by 2pac + 2 of cups. finding your soulmate… in another person or in a passion. 

• doing things you wanted to do as a child or teen - wearing bolder colours or a specific style, getting a specific tattoo, starting a specific hobby, pursuing a specific career path. 

• ‘this year was a movie’. barely having time to catch your breath with how things are changing . acting/directing breakthrough for some.

• getting your first camera for some, first luxury bag for others.

• beachside apartment. 

• be careful of oversharing; of sharing plans, hopes, and dreams, before things are finalised. you may win the lottery this year, remember to protect your information as much as possible. be wise with your energy AND your money.

• start saving and investing. 

• ‘the truth fool: be honest’. be honest with yourself most of all this year. if you can’t be honest with yourself about your dreams, goals, desires,  regrets, and mistakes, who can you be honest with? 

GROUP TWO

• highs and lows in mental health. trial and error with finding treatment or meds that agree with you. finally getting a proper diagnosis and help around june/july. 

• finding out you’re cancer free or celebrating another year being cancer free. may be someone you’re close with, too. ringing the bell with a loved one. a clothing boutique, for some.

• adopting a stray ginger cat - especially if you don’t consider yourself a cat person. 

• working at or opening your own animal shelter. 

• ‘peach’ by the front bottoms. unrequited love. confessing to someone and being led on or being rejected; for some, realising the person you’re seeing is using you as a distraction or to get over the person they actually have feelings for. 

• letting go of limitation with the way you live your life. being more adventurous. going skydiving, scuba diving, sperlunking, or deciding to become a nomad and travel while volunteering. 

• this is your year of fateful connections, with things working out for you in unimaginable ways. you may meet a future business partner at a coffee shop or a high-paying client at the gym or at a hardware/crafts store. 

• ‘the empty fool’.  this is an oracle card of unlimited potential. the guidebook says: “the empty fool invites you into nothingness for a change. he carries no message and has no meaning. he’s simply here to remind you that your life is your own, and only you can create it.  but before you manifest the things you desire, you must let go of all previous things.” you can achieve so much this year - if you don’t stand in your own way. even when things seem difficult, do not give up. your persistence will sow your rewards. 

GROUP THREE

• suddenly coming into a large amount of money or into an abundance of opportunities - you have the choice to share this new wealth with others or to use it to found a brand new life for yourself. 

• ‘say something’ by a great big world & christina aguilera. entering your first romantic relationship, having to heal wounds about love and self-worth you thought you had already healed. experiencing your first breakup.

• leaving behind your family or people who rely on you. moving to another city or country. 

• nine of pentacles + the lovers. new job opportunities offering you the chance to have your own space and independence for the first time. new apartment.

• major theme of this year: choice. having to choose between yourself and your family; between yourself and your friends; between yourself and your lover. especially between your career/desired career and others.

• “do what feels right”. follow your heart.

• your intuition levelling up. seeing improvements in your finances thanks to a tarot, astrology, divination business or social media accounts. 

• ‘habit’ by sekai no owari. 

• learning to play an instrument. 

• ‘the fool’s tax: live and learn’. facing the consequences of making the wrong choices time and time again, of following the wrong path, of fighting against destiny. you may feel things are not working out in your favour this year, no matter how hard you try or how much faith you have. it may be time to change tactics or to change paths entirely. 

GROUP FOUR

• allowing yourself to be more free in all aspects of your life – especially sexually, for some. you may have had a bad breakup in the last year or two, which has made you generally hesitant to date again or enter another relationship, but this year sees you taking positive steps to turn your love life around.

• ‘get up 10’ by cardi b. standing on business. being able to look back at this year proudly, proud of yourself and what you experienced and achieved. 

• getting cosmetic surgery or transforming yourself with skincare, diet, and gym - being able to look at yourself in the mirror and liking what you see. 

• writing a love song or romance novel. going viral/blowing up/sales increasing because of social media word of mouth. think of what happened to ‘this is how you lose the time war.’

• spending time in nature. going camping and hiking, getting your dream job working in a game reserve, national park, or otherwise with the environment. 

• welcoming your second child, for some. having twins. teaching your child/children about your job; one of them telling you they want to follow in your footsteps and do what you do and, thus, taking steps to make sure this is possible. 

• saving for higher education. 

• making the best of difficult situations. giving a sick pet all the love and care you possibly can and making sure their last moments are peaceful ones.

• ‘the faith fool: have faith’. things are working out in your favour, even when they don’t feel like it. don’t forget that. 

[chaoticbardlady99]

Yesterday I Felt like Dancing (Astarion x GN! Reader)

Synopsis: You have burnt both ends of the candle and haven’t been taking care of your mental health. Unable to get yourself out of bed, Astarion begins to worry about you…

Author note- I have been hardcore struggling with my mental health lately and writing my silly little fics has been the only thing pulling me along. I thought it might be therapeutic to write about my current feelings (I have ADHD, MDD, and GAD so it’s a party up in here). I hope you enjoy!

CW- Suicidal Ideation, symptoms of depression, brief outburst, mentions of mental health diagnosis and poor medical advice.

Title inspired by song “Into the Walls” by Griff.

*not my pic, could not tell you where I found it so I apologize in advance. If you think it might be your picture, please message me so I can give proper credit.

Your last day before backtracking from the Mountain Pass to the Goblin camp is a difficult one.

Not for the group as a whole- just you specifically.

Days before a Mindflayer kidnapped you, a healer back home had told you your brain was sick. You had been devastated- resigned to your miserable fate.

You had been struggling for years at that point with inconsistent motivation, exhaustion, nightmares, and irrational thoughts for months. You have been functional for the most part, but then an overpowering wave will hit you like Warhammer in the ribs and you are rendered useless until it passes.

The healer suggested sunlight, exercise, eating healthy, and spending time with friends to help your affliction when you hit rock bottom. You were wildly unimpressed with her. At the time, you preferred to self isolate so you stayed by yourself in the woods trying to find peace there. You would have to let her know that her “going out and enjoying the sun” message is not always wise- you may get a tadpole shoved in your head. You can’t be that mad though- the tadpole helped bring your pep back.

Anyway, you have been doing all of that for weeks now, you even felt great, but today? You could not have hit rock bottom harder even if you tried.

You woke up that morning unable to get yourself out of bed. It was a rest day so it wasn’t a big deal, but you also know that your companions are going to have things they need to talk to you about and favors they need you to take care of.

Gods you had tried to get up. You are grateful that your past self had the gumption to wash off and change into clean clothes last night, but your armor is still disgustingly sitting outside your tent and your hair is long and wild. You had wanted to braid it, but it all felt like too much work.

Everything feels like too much work right now- even staying awake- so you drift in and out of uncomfortable naps throughout the morning. No matter how many times you fall asleep, begging for relief from the painful brick wall sitting on your brain, it never leaves.

You can feel the midday breeze rustle your tent. You’ve been laying here for hours now. You are crying and you honestly aren’t sure why. You feel completely paralyzed by all the things you need to do to be ready for the Underdark.

You need to clean your armor, go over the Goblin Camp’s map with Wyll, find Gale a magical artifact, and probably comfort Lae’zel since she’s been branded a heretic- but you won’t. The shame and self loathing continues. You are a silly, worthless little human being.

Every person who knocks on your tent gets a simple, “I’m just not feeling well,” and then they walk away. You don’t know why it makes you more sad than appreciative. If you were in their shoes- you would be bending over backwards to make sure they had everything they needed and you wouldn’t let them feel alone. Then you resent yourself for feeling that way towards your companions- they don’t owe you anything and you were the one who chose to help them- you didn’t ask for anything in return. This is all your fault.

The only person who hadn’t come to visit you was Astarion- which hurt your heart just a little, enough that the numbness coursing thickly through your body wavered for a moment. You are quite smitten and he is obviously not. Another mistake to add to the swirling black hole your mind has fallen into.

You knew it was stupid to want his comfort and affections- you had merely slept together a little less than a week ago. Astarion has been quasi avoiding you ever since and when he does talk to you- he’s awkward. You constantly look for flying pigs- Astarion feeling awkward or being awkward is unheard of.

You have come to accept that you were just some tryst and obviously he hadn’t enjoyed it as much as he said he did.

Astarion isn’t to blame and the situation itself certainly didn’t contribute to the sudden lack of emotions. You knew that you were on the verge of a mental collapse sooner rather than later, but you had foolishly hoped you wouldn’t be alone through it. It feels less all consuming when you try to find a reason. It’s more comfortable to know than it is to give up and say, “my brain is fucked and there isn’t a damn thing I can do so I guess I’m stuck here.”

You are jolted out of your thoughts by another knock on your tent.

“I’m sick,” you say flatly.

“Ha- you act like that will deter me. I can’t even get sick, Darling.”

Before you even have time to register that Astarion is on the other side of your tent- he pushes his way through the flaps and stares down at you in confusion. And… concern?

Astarion steps inside and kneels down next to you- scanning you for evidence of illness or injury.

“I suppose I had been worried for nothing,” he smiles sweetly at you, “you are totally fine. Come on Darling, you have to get up and eat. Wyll is fumbling with that map.”

You look at him and begin to cry. Astarion’s face lights up with alarm.

“What- what did I do!?”

“Please don’t make me,” you sob, “I just want a break. I’m so tired. I want to lay in this bed forever and never leave, but there is so much to do and it’s paralyzing.”

You continue to cry and you cover yourself with the extra blanket- successfully hiding your face.

“Go away,” you whisper, “I need to be left alone.”

You say it, but you are far from meaning it. You want him to stay- to hold you- but he doesn’t want you so it will only make everything hurt worse once the numbness fades away.

You wait for several moments and then you hear him leave. Your silent cry turns into choked sobs and your body is shaking from the pain you are in. The numbness hurts. The numbness tells you that you shouldn’t be alive.

Maybe you shouldn’t be.

Everyone here would be able to figure it out on their own (eventually) and you would finally be free. Free of your uncomfortable brain, free of your ugly body- free of the expectations of others. You would no longer be holding them back like you are today- like you will again in the future.

You are sure they would temporarily grieve you, but that was the deal with this whole journey. You had all accepted that one of you or all of you could die at any moment. You will just put them in more danger by being here…

You shake the thought from your head, violently- your head is pounding from the growing tension headache and dehydration. The tears eventually stop and you just… well, lay in bed again. You stare blankly at a book over in the corner. You keep trying to convince yourself to get up and read the damn thing- do literally ANYTHING else than just stay here in your bedroll.

Instead, you fall asleep.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You wake up to someone knocking on your tent post. You grumble incoherently, covering your head and you hear your unexpected guest sit down next to you. The smell of food fills the tent and your stomach grumbles.

“You need to eat, my Dear,” Astarion says softly.

You are stunned to hear his voice grace your ears. You slowly pull the blanket down to just below your eyes and look at him. Astarion looks distressed, like he doesn’t want to be here. Why would he? You’re a nuisance.

You sit up gingerly and grab the bowl from him. You manage to give him a lopsided smile.

“Thanks. You don’t need to stay, I will be fine on my own,” you say apathetically, staring into the broth.

“I want to stay,” he says, “if you’ll have me.”

The expression on his face is unreadable, but he seems genuine. You nod, your lips pressed together tightly. You eat as much as you feel like while Astarion studies you.

Usually your anxiety is at an all time high (in maybe one of the better ways) when you are around Astarion- he gives you butterflies, butterflies, and even more butterflies. Usually your heart is racing in his presence, but right now you just feel empty.

“Where is your hairbrush?” Astarion asks.

You frown with confusion, “it’s in my bag, why?”

Astarion gets up and goes over to the bag- digging out a few items. He pulls out a lantern, your hairbrush, and a hair tie. Astarion comes over to you and sits down behind you. You feel him gather up the stray pieces of your hair and get to work.

Astarion runs his fingers through your scalp and your tangled hair- the feeling is soothing and it opens something inside of you. Your body shakes silently with sobs and you feel the worm behind your eyes wiggle as Astarion asks for access. You aren’t sure.

“I want to understand,” Astarion says, “please.”

His voice is so raw and desperate- you swallow thickly before allowing him to explore your current emotional state. The silence in the tent is palpable and you feel tense, uncomfortable even. No one has ever cared for you while you are in this state before.

You feel him continue his hairbrushing after he exits your mind. Astarion leaves soft kisses on your shoulder as he gently pulls apart every knot. It helps- you realize- to feel cared for. The numbness still hurts, you still hurt, but it’s nice to not feel so alone.

After Astarion is done brushing your hair, you feel his delicate fingers begin to intricately braid your hair. You wonder when he learned how to do hair.

“Leon’s daughter, Victoria, used to ask me to braid her hair all the time,” Astarion says in a bittersweet voice as if reading your mind, “I picked it up so that she would stop bugging me about it. She said and I quote, ‘you have the perfect braiding hands!’”

You smile to yourself tenderly, “That’s very kind of you, Star. I am sure she appreciated it as much as I appreciate it now.”

You feel Astarion’s hands falter at your words and you are unsure if you have upset him or not. A pregnant pause occurs before Astarion finally clears his throat and goes back to braiding your hair.

“I’m glad that I can help,” Astarion’s delicate, vulnerable words hang in the air, “I’ve… been worried about you today.”

You feel positively flustered and bad for making him feel that way.

“Oh you don’t need to worry about silly ole me! This happens sometimes” you make your voice chirpier than it needs to be, “This is actually the longest I’ve gone for a long time without this happening. I have theorized that the tadpole might help which is kinda cool- I think?”

You laugh awkwardly- desperate to ease his worry.

“How often does this happen?”

Shit. That was the winning question wasn’t it? Astarion will surely never see you as anything less than broken now.

“I’m not really sure,” your voice comes out in a whisper, “I usually always feel a bit of it all the time, but it’s manageable. I function very well regardless.”

“But this one isn’t manageable and evidently you aren’t functional right now.”

You sigh, “No, it isn’t and no, I’m not.”

“What changed?”

“Nothing,” you say, maybe too harshly, “that’s the part that drives me crazy. Yesterday was incredible- I was on top of the whole world, felt like dancing and screaming from the rooftops, but today!?”

You inhale and hold back the muted scream that wants to fill the air.

“Today,” you hiss, “I don’t even want to deal with any of this shit anymore. I’m so fucking tired. There is too much to fucking do and too many people depending on me. Then everyone gets irritated with me if I ask to push off their problems so I persevere through it despite knowing I’m getting bad again. I’m a giant stinking trash heap that everyone keeps adding more to.”

Astarion finishes braiding your hair and presses your back to his chest, pulling you into him. He puts his arms around your waist and settles his chin and face in between the crook of your neck.

“I just feel like such a nuisance all the time- no matter how hard I push myself to prove I’m not. Sometimes I think everyone would be better off if I just… went away.”

You both sit there quietly. At some point he had taken one of your hands in his and he was tracing shapes into the back of it with his thumb. Your omission still hangs heavily in the air.

“I wouldn’t be better off,” Astarion says hotly, “I’d be stuck with all these weirdos by myself. That would be truly miserable, Darling.”

You shake your head, a half smile on your face.

“And besides- you are not even close to a nuisance,” Astarion states, leaving a kiss on your cheek, “at least you aren’t in constant need of magical objects to eat or blood to drink. Oh and you don’t require a painstaking amount of searching to prevent you from literally burning everyone alive.

“Oh and did I forget to mention, we have not one, but two women who despise each other and follow hateful Goddesses which was a fun choice for whatever sick bastard twisted our fates this way.”

You laugh breathily, closing your eyes and letting the sound defrost some of your insides.

“What I’m saying is- I think you are the least of everyone’s ‘nuisances’, my Darling,” he says, squeezing you tighter to his chest, “despite how little you think of yourself. We ne- no, I want you to stay. I know everyone else would say the same, but I must emphasize that I would be horribly distraught if you disappeared. Hells I’d even pay to have you resurrected.”

You gasp playfully, your voice falling slightly flat, “You? The most frugal man I have ever met would pay 200 gold coins to ‘Strike thy name from the record’?”

Your impression of Withers gets Astarion to genuinely laugh- the sound vibrating in your chest. You lean into him and he guides you back to laying down. Astarion entangles his legs with yours as he holds you tightly- your faces are mere centimeters apart. You love the way Astarion smells- rosemary, bergamot, and brandy. You wish you could be wrapped up in him forever. You are still in pain- everything still hurts and feels too difficult, but right now it feels a little less heavy.

“I would throw bags of Gold Coins at that corpse out of revenge, my Dear,” he teases, “you couldn’t possibly think I would ever let you rest peacefully in your grave- I would be far too angry with you and unhappy without you to let that happen.”

You lay there and despite yourself, you lean forward and leave butterfly kisses along his cheeks with your lashes. Astarion scrunches up his nose reflexively and smiles at you. You plant a sweet, short kiss on his lips.

“Thank you Astarion- for everything.”

You close your eyes as he traces circles along your lower back. Your eyes begin to droop, and you fall asleep.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When you wake up the next morning- you are disappointed to find that you are all alone in your tent. The heavy numbness is still there and you sigh. At least last night made it more bearable.

You look on the side where Astarion had been sleeping and find a note with a bottle attached to it. You pick it up and begin to read.

Tav,

Astarion had asked me about herbs for some relief regarding mental discomforts. I unfortunately don’t know many, but this is a mixture of St. John’s Wort, Valerian Root, and Ashwagandha. Historically, I know these have been used to alleviate emotional and mental pain.

Astarion didn’t tell me why he was asking, but I deduced it was you pretty quickly when he began shooing everyone away from your tent this morning.

I hope this helps- we are all here if you need us. May Silvanus light your path as you navigate this difficult time.

-Halsin

You sit in your own stunned silence for what feels like hours. Halsin knows and he wants to help? Halsin doesn’t think you are screwed or a nuisance? The man barely even knows you!

You are a bit embarrassed, but you can’t help but laugh at the image of Astarion telling everyone to leave you alone.

You open the bottle and a pleasant, earthy smell fills the tent. You drink the mixture (that definitely does not taste anywhere near as pleasant as it smells) and you do feel a slight bit better. Your apathy feels even more tolerable now. You will have to thank Halsin.

You slowly rise from your tent and look around. Everything is packed up neatly in the corner- your clothes from the previous day are folded nicely and you notice all the holes are sewn up.

You jump when someone enters your tent abruptly- the midday sun warming your skin. You turn around and Astarion is smiling at you, but looks nervous.

“I cleaned off your armor and your weapons,” he says awkwardly, scratching the back of his head, “I also packed up your stuff- as you can see. We have to start leaving unfortunately, but I’ll help you get on your armor like I usually do- I might still need help with mine though, but I can ask someone else if it’s too much for you right now. Lae’zel and Karlach offered to pack up your tent. Wyll and Shadowheart figured out the map- Wyll is going to be our ‘fearless’ leader for the day. Gale has some food for you to snack on while we travel- which you will be eating, by the way.”

Astarion is looking at you with a vulnerable expression on his face. He plays nervously with the gold coin in his hands.

You can hardly believe what you are hearing.

“Did- did you do all this for me?” You say with disbelief.

You never thought Astarion was capable of smiling shyly until he had admitted to you that you had been his first thinking creature- you certainly never thought you’d see him become shy twice in your presence.

“I did and it wasn’t a nuisance so don’t even begin to worry about that,” He walks over to you, gently cradling your face in his hands, “I hope this is all okay.”

You smile- the first genuine feeling of happiness you’ve felt in the last 24 hours gently sparks in your chest as you stare up at him. You get up on your tiptoes and bridge the gap between your lips.

“Thank you Astarion, this is perfect- you are perfect,” you are crying tears of joy, “this is the kindest gesture anyone has ever made for me. So just, thank you.”

“Of course, Darling,” he says smiling in between kisses, “I won’t let you lose to yourself. We’ll get through this together from now on- no more hiding.”

And for once? You actually believe someone.

-if you guys like this, please let me know if you would want a part two written from Astarion’s perspective.

Update- I did the thing you silly geese

https://www.tumblr.com/chaoticbardlady99/735969926279528448/i-took-all-this-love-i-found-and-i-hope-that-its

Tag-list: @spacebarbarianweird @domainoflostsouls

[whatbigotspost]

What I wish I could get people who didn’t grow up in highly controlled, abusive environments to understand is that when the very people who are forming you are really fucked up and bad, you are FULLY incapable of knowing that as a kid.

You’re not capable of “damn my dad is really not ok” or “mom is toxic” for a long time. It’s years and years of “this is life. That is my dad. That’s my mom. It’s just how it is.” It often takes PAINFUL moments of realization to get to even questioning if your life isn’t normal. In fact, in my experience, it takes many painful moments to eventually get you there. Someone at school making fun of your parents, for example. Or some outside caring adult noticing things they seem worried about w/ you. Or a particularly extreme incident of abuse that shakes you. Or reading/hearing someone recount abuse they survived and you get the sick realization it’s like a mirror for you.

When your primary caregivers are your means of survival, your brain wraps you in many many many protective layers of denial and whatever the fuck else it needs to so that you can get through it. Many folks like myself will spend more time healing ourselves as adults from our childhood than we spent in the childhood of trauma itself.

Also, let’s be real, an implication I’m making here is that a lot of folks don’t even pick at the thread of “was I abused?” because it’s too overwhelming all together. Or even “was my childhood kinda fucked up?”

Spoiler alert. If your childhood was kinda fucked up, it’s better, in the long run, to acknowledge and address that. Anyway, this is my characteristically long winded way of wanting to recommend some books on the subject that I have found deeply relatable and meaningful:

•Jeanette McCrurdy’s memoir I’m Glad My Mom Died: If you’d be up for an unflinching look at a deeply difficult childhood that includes physical, sexual, and emotional abuse and neglect and disordered eating in the Disney-universe, this is your read. Thinking about what McCurdy has had to overcome chills me to my core but the feelings she shares in words felt deeply relatable and I know they will help many.

•Ashley Ford’s memoir Somebody’s Daughter: I’m biased to love her because she’s a fellow Hoosier but you will love her too. Incredibly well written and deeply moving, Ford’s memoir covers her childhood with an abusive mother, a father in jail for rape, and survivorship of her own rape, as well as her place thriving now. She offers us such meaningful processing of her story. (And just writing style wise, this one is a mega fave.)

•Grace Cho’s memoir Tastes Like War: this one is a deep dive into Cho’s upbringing with a mother (who like one of my parents) has schizophrenia. I found her account of having a first hand seat to a parent’s mental health decline too relatable. The components of her story that focus on her mom’s experience of war and immigrating from Korea and the role that Korean food plays in their lives, are moving beyond words.

•Tara Westover’s memoir Educated: having been raised in a very isolated, survivalist Mormon family and tiny community in Idaho, Westover shares her personal story of a quest for escape and education. Although my family was nowhere nearly so unusual and isolated as Westover’s, I feel what she chronicles will highly resonate with anyone raised by someone who seeks to keep you away from “mainstream influences” or who is any level of survivalist.

Obviously, these are heavy reads and DO NOT check them out if you don’t feel in the right headspace. Each one moved me to tears multiple times. But if your awful/strange childhood and leaving it (them) behind makes you feel alone trust me YOU ARE NOT ALONE ❤️

I also recommend these reads for anyone who wants to see at an anecdotal level what are experiences of people raised in highly abusive environments and/or raised by parents struggling with mental illnesses and/or people raised in high control situations. Chances are you know/love someone who fits that description and you may gain helpful insights.

[thiswaytwoinfinity]

Emma's Epic Multi-Fandom Rec List: Oscar Isaac Edition

Work and life and everything took over for a little bit, but I am back with *part 2* of my massive fanfic recommendation list, because good lord I read so much fanfic I have a problem.

I do my best to reblog as much as possible but sometimes I miss it so this is my attempt to make up for that and give all of the amazing creators on here the credit they deserve. Thank you all so much for sharing all of your work with us. This year has been a long and difficult one for me, especially mental health wise, and being able to escape into these stories has been so valuable and important to me. 

If you read anything on here that you like, please reblog and/or comment on these pics to show the creators some love! 

AN IMPORTANT NOTE: While not everything listed here will include smut, many of these authors have 18+ blogs. Please, please, please respect their boundaries and DO NOT INTERACT WITH THEM/THEIR CONTENT IF YOU ARE A MINOR.

Stories marked with ❤️‍🔥 contain NSFW content

Moon Knight: 

The Best Kept Secrets ❤️‍🔥by @melodygatesauthor — First of all, Mel is the *queen* of Oscar Isaac-fandom fic, especially anything about our beloved Moon Boys. She’s got stuff for every genre, every mood, every random plot bunny — she’s also created some of the most fun and original character.ai bots — but I have such a soft spot for this fic, a dad’s best friend fic where each chapter is a different member of the system. 

A Bit Dodgy ❤️‍🔥by @melodygatesauthor — another brilliant one from Melody, featuring professor! Steven falling in love with a student, Jake being protective (and hot) and Marc learning to let down his walls around people. I will genuinely be a little sad when it’s all wrapped up because I’ve loved this journey. 

Cherry Pie ❤️‍🔥by @whatthefishh and @melodygatesauthor — I’m trying not to just rec people’s entire masterlists but these two make it SO DIFFICULT. Anyway, as someone with a soft spot for Steven (is it obvious yet?) this is a particularly steamy and surprisingly sweet fic about his first time. It’s written in such a brilliant way that you can just picture all of the desperate, delicious faces that Steven is making throughout and it’s just … it’s a 10/10 y’all. 

Spoiled Rotten by @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction — MARC. MARC MY BEAUTIFUL, EMOTIONALLY GUARDED BELOVED I love when Marc gets to be soft and this was such a beautifully written, real-feeling story about his relationship insecurities and his desire to be treated like the precious gift he is. If the universe could just give me one chance to spoil this beautiful man … 

Personal Time ❤️‍🔥by @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction — Look, we have already established my love for Steven Grant. I want to hug him and kiss him and let him tell me about Egyptian gods and eat vegan burritos with him and cuddle him all night. But this story? This story makes me also want to ruin him. 

The Moon Boys + Where They Like to Put It ❤️‍🔥by @ivystoryweaver — These little blurbs are pure filth and I would like them tattooed on my eyelids so that I can forever be haunted by them. There is a surprising amount of characterization packed into such a short package and that takes an incredible amount of talent. 

On My Knees ❤️‍🔥by @ivystoryweaver — Look. If Steven Grant came to me, begging on his knees (literally!) for his job back, I too would fold immediately. This two-parter is also great because the first story is pure fluff (and pining for Steven, which, i can relate) and the second brings all of the tension and anticipation to a head with some genuinely smoking hot smut. I’d also like to give a shoutout to Ivy’s Oblivious Roommate Headcanons Series, which is honestly making my obsession with everyone’s favorite gift shoppist a little worse in the best way. 

driver!jake and rich girl!reader ❤️‍🔥by @campingwiththecharmings — THIS FIC. I love the slow building tension, the gorgeous image of Jake smoking outside his limo during a night out, the SMUT. It made my brain melt in the best way, possible. 

Lessons in Touch by @marc-spectorr— Ugh, the PINING. There’s only one part to this so far and I am already so obsessed with it that I’m recommending it. I cannot wait to see where this one goes because I just am already so in love with this Steven and their relationship. 

With The Lights Out ❤️‍🔥by @moonknightly — Jake is, understandably, often characterized as the sexy, seductive one in the system so it’s such a treat to read a virgin!Jake fic. This one is so lovely, a perfect mix of vulnerable and steamy while still feeling so true to him. Basically, I love when Jake gets flustered and I need more of it. 

Friendly favors ❤️‍🔥by @runa-falls — (Not so) unrequited pining between Steven and his best friend and the ways they begin to reveal their feelings for one another by … “helping each other out” with their “needs.” Steamy and sweet in equal measure and it just makes me want to scream in the best possible way. 

Making Trouble ❤️‍🔥by @juneknight — Possessive!Marc owns me, completely. This and its sequel (where Jake gets his revenge) are two of the hottest, most wonderful smut fics that I have read in this fandom and good lord, it breaks my brain every single time I read it. juneknight is also the creator of the mind-meltingly sexy Dorm Room Marc series which is also *chef’s kiss* 

Miguel O’Hara (Spider-Verse) 

Halo ❤️‍🔥by @missdictatorme — One of the most interesting Miguel concepts I’ve ever read: Reader is Miguel’s new AI assistant (complete with hologram body) and you ask for the chance to design your own appearance. The slow build of the relationship between the pair is so fun to read and the tension between them as Miguel realizes that their relationship with one another is … unorthodox is amazing. I think about this story all the time. 

Something New ❤️‍🔥by @runa-falls — Hoooooo boy. I recommend you read this one in front of a fan or the AC because good lord this is hot. 

Decadent ❤️‍🔥by @ivystoryweaver — This one has it all: gorgeously steamy smut, the tension of a slow-burn relationship build, a hint of angst and a mystery at the center of it all: is Miguel a vampire? Or something else? Can he be cured? It’s so good and I honestly give a little squeal every time I see there’s a new chapter out. 

Punch-Out Love by @astroboots— Miguel O’Hara boxing AU? Hell yeah. This one is exciting and tense and thrilling and I was invested from the first sentence. Cici also co-wrote the iconic Every You, Every Me, which I am ashamed to say that I only just started reading but it is just as incredible as everyone said. Her stuff more than lives up to all of the hype. 

Monster ❤️‍🔥by @writefightandflightclub — Oh, you thought you’d make it through a Miguel O’Hara rec list without some size kink? This is insanely hot and a little dark and so, so good. Heed the warnings, but if this is your thing, trust me, it will sit in your brain forever. 

Assorted Oscar Characters 

Bloom For Me (Santiago Garcia) ❤️‍🔥by @whatthefishh — The Triple Frontier Regency AU that you didn’t know you needed. Trust me on this. 

Oxford Comma (Rydal Keener) ❤️‍🔥by @whatthefishh — *The* definitive Rydal fic, in my opinion. There is something about the way that Mona writes Rydal that makes him so irresistible, so charming and easy to fall for despite how much you want to resist (or maybe punch) him that I think captures the essence of the character so well. 

How (Nathan Bateman) ❤️‍🔥by @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction — Set post-Ex Machina, this lovely (and steamy) fic delves into how Nathan deals with the aftermath of the situation with Ava as well as him learning to let another person (not an android!) into his life. It’s my favorite take on a softer version of Nathan and I just adore it. (Also for more amazing Oscar-character content, Fen’s Kinktober masterlist is *chef’s kiss)

Three Years (Nathan Bateman) ❤️‍🔥by @youvebeenlivingfictional — My favorite Nathan fic, ever. The tension between him and the reader, the underlying questions about whether their whole relationship and dynamic is the result of genuine feelings on his end or just him manipulating people, the added angst of Reader’s dynamic with their friend and *her* crush on Nathan — it’s just so good. 

Somebody to Love (Richard Alonzo Munoz) ❤️‍🔥by @writefightandflightclub — Not just one of my all-time favorite Oscar Isaac fics, but one of my all-time favorite fics period. As I have previously gushed, this is a gorgeous, romantic, slow-build of a story written with such stunning imagery and poetry and with little nods to an already-familiar relationship that just makes their ultimate relationship even more swoon-worthy and perfect. And the smut is 10/10, five stars, completely mind-melting in all of the best ways. I love it, I love it, I love it. 

[a-grayscale]

I’ve been really into Cult of the lamb recently, and one of the things I find absolutely fascinating is the bishops + Narinder and their injuries regarding the see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil, think no evil, and do no evil scheme, and how that points to how the bishops acted and were portrayed before their injuries even without some of the dialogue, as well as how drastic their behaviors and mentalities must have changed after.

Narinder is the most obvious with this because before he was chained and sealed away, he was doing things that were perceived by others to be evil. (I couldn’t find a solid source of what it was specifically he did other than betraying the bishops, so let’s leave that to interpretation) Whatever it was he was doing, the other bishops considered to be bad enough that they imprisoned him for 1000 years with very little movement overall, and hence taking away his ability to really DO anything.

Shamus’s is another great example because seeing as they’re the god of war, as well as considered to be the brightest of the bunch and very wise, it only makes sense that they’d think an incredible amount, and considering the war part it only makes sense that they’d therefore THINK evil in the way we see evil being done DURING actual wars. So the injuries to the brain obviously must hinder this and leave them to be a mental shell of what they once were mentally, crown or not. I find it incredibly intriguing to think that before they lost a majority of their brain function that they were probably far stronger and far more deadly than we face in the game because they could think of so many ways to destroy an enemy, evil or not, and how limited their thought process was post injury.

Kallamar is a bit tricky seeing as we only really hear Kallamar as a cowardly person, but considering he’s the god of pestilence, which throughout history has time and time again looped over famines as well as wars and (obviously) deaths, it’s safe to assume he heard many evil things, and when you hear something especially from family or people you love and trust, you tend to absorb that thing into your own ideology. With that logic, I like to think Kallamar was hearing and thus absorbing these beliefs as he heard them from his siblings. Post injury, however, I think he probably had a very difficult time hearing in general, and considering the betrayal of Narinder would no doubt affect his ability to trust even his other siblings, I feel like he’d stop absorbing the ideologies his siblings had, for fear they may betray him too.

Heket, we learn, was the more fearsome or aggressive out of the siblings. She no doubt would have been loud about her beliefs, evil or not. (I’ve had experience with aggressive people, and one trait they tend to share is that they are LOUD about their opinions) To say Heket most likely was a loud and very vocal bishop with what she believed is an understatement, I’ve no doubt she would have preached ferociously before her injury about what she thought should go. Post injury however, she would have to have lost some of that ferocity due to not having a proper voice outside of using her crown. Without her crown as a follower, she barely speaks because she most likely is in a lot of pain when she does, and I have no doubt that there was still pain speaking even before she lost her crown, her throat was ripped out! So she probably had to be careful not to overexert her voice even with the crown, and thus I think she wouldn’t have had the energy to be as loud and ferocious speaking her truth, because she would’ve been in absolute pain to preach like she would have before her injuries.

Leshy is by far the most difficult to analyze with the pattern here, I mean he’s the god of chaos how does that relate to seeing evil? Then it hit me like a stack of bricks, Leshy was they youngest and thus probably looked up to his siblings. Effectively WATCHING and SEEING evil. And from seeing his older siblings doing all this as well as being the youngest sibling, I’ve no doubt he copied them just like younger siblings normally do when they look up to someone. With that logic, pre injury I think he was probably very observant with his siblings and wanting to be like them. He’d see his sibling talk or act a certain way and go to copy as younger siblings do. Post injury, he can’t do that anymore because he can’t SEE them do these things so he doesn’t have a visual as to WHAT they’re doing. Plus, he’d probably be hesitant to blindly copy his older siblings after Narinder, his big brother, clawed his eyes out!

these are just my takes on their before and afters and how they do or would act as a result of everything, but whether you believe in any of this stuff I typed out or not I hope you found some enjoyment out of it! I think my overall point is that theorizing about all of this is just really cool cause there’s a lot of possibilities as to how they were affected physically and mentally. :)

[feralbutfluffy]

44: Crowley

Chapter 44 of Too Wise to Woo Peaceably

***

Crowley had just had, quite literally, a Hell of a day. 

First, he’d been picked up, stripped down to the studs, and put back together. 

Then, he’d watched Aziraphale fight The Metatron, helped him make the bastard disappear, and now they were finally back at the bookshop where Aziraphale had just admitted to wanting him - quite desperately, he’d said - over eighty years ago. Crowley wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do with the information but he figured he was entitled to at least a minute to process it.

Aziraphale obviously didn’t agree. He was tearing at the skin of his middle finger with the nail of his thumb, looking more irritated by the second.

‘Well, know it now,’ he’d said, the impatient, haughty tone of it suggesting there was an unspoken ’ ...you absolute dolt ’ tacked on the end. Crowley wanted to shake him.

Or kiss him.

Maybe both. Probably both.

The angel was unbelievable. He’d been distressingly anxious to the point of tears about sinning or some such, and then... this. Telling him he’d wanted him back in 1941. Quite desperately! Crowley let the words circle around in his head.

He just needed a minute. He needed to think, which was damnably difficult with Aziraphale sitting there watching for a reaction. He didn’t want to make a single move until he was sure it wasn’t the wrong one. He was trying to stay completely still until he had it all straightened out in his head.

He was really trying.

Unfortunately Aziraphale was starting to look like he was reaching the limits of his patience, so Crowley felt obliged to say something.

Better safe than sorry.

“Right.”

Aziraphale’s brow furrowed. “Right?”

“Ng. Good to know. Thought I’d misread that whole situation.”

Aziraphale’s face went completely blank. “Good to-? Oh?”

“‘S fine, water under the bridge. Let bygones be bygones. All of that.”

Aziraphale looked a bit stunned. “Bygones. Of course,” he said, nodding in agreement.

Well. That settled that.

“...Except,” Aziraphale forged ahead, sounding like the words were being pulled out from between gritted teeth, “it’s not really - technically - bygones.”

Was he saying-?

No. Crowley told himself to remember his honeycombed mental faculties; they clearly couldn’t be trusted. He brushed past it.

“But, 1941. I mean... Why didn’t you tell me?”

Aziraphale’s eyes flew wide in surprise before narrowing. “Oh, I don’t think you’re in any position to ask me that.”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

"I think it's a bit rich of you to be taking the moral high ground on the subject of keeping things to yourself," said Aziraphale snippily, then turned away.

"Why didn’t you tell me you’d been living in your car?”

“What?” Crowley wondered if it was possible to get emotional whiplash. 

“During that whole business with Gabriel and- Well. You said you wanted your apartment back because you were bored of living in your car. How long had that been going on? Why hadn’t you told me?”

“This has absolutely nothing to do with anything,” Crowley grumbled. 

He knew it sounded petulant. He didn’t care. Why were they talking about this? 

“It has everything to do with everything! On the topic of things we haven’t told each other, it seems entirely appropriate to ask why you - for several years, apparently! - failed to mention you were living in your car. Really, Crowley!”

Aziraphale sounded annoyed bordering on exasperated, but he was certainly looking much more composed. Crowley thought the newfound assurance probably came from the familiar feeling of having him on the back foot.

How exceptionally irritating.

“I don’t see why it matters. T’was fine.” Crowley rolled his shoulders uncomfortably.

“Of course it matters! You know you could have stayed here! You were here most of the time anyway, what possible difference would it have made?”

Crowley’s mouth was set in a hard line. “Leave it,” he muttered tightly.

“No, Crowley. I will not ‘leave it’! I cannot believe you let stubborn pride get in the way of asking for help! It’s perfectly absurd! And more than a little offensive-”

No no, no. He didn’t get to do that. Crowley cut him off, scowling.

“You said, “You go too fast for me.” You said that! And now you’re asking why I didn’t ask to bloody well move in?” 

Aziraphale jerked backward and stared at Crowley with evident surprise. 

“Oh.”

Crowley blew out a frustrated breath and looked away. Any normal day and he'd have jumped up and paced around the room. Actually, any normal day and he probably would’ve stalked out the door. He would have done something - anything - to relieve the frantic nervous energy building inside him. 

Instead, he was pressed into the sofa next to Aziraphale, discussing their cohabitation - or lack thereof - and only just about managing to act nonchalant about changing seating positions.

It was excruciating.

He couldn’t think of anything to say, so he said nothing.

Aziraphale was sitting ramrod straight, still staring at Crowley. “I- I’m sorry you didn’t feel you could ask, I certainly didn’t-” he broke off and tried again, his voice softer. “That was a long time ago. And I didn’t mean it, not really. It was-” His hand fluttered in the air, searching for words. “I was overwhelmed.”

Crowley shrugged and tried to sound casual. “Yeah. Well. Took it to heart.”

“I can see that.” Aziraphale looked deeply affected. There was something that looked suspiciously like sadness in his eyes. 

“I do wish you had told me, Crowley. I would have- I really would have liked you to stay. You would have been welcome. More than welcome.”

Crowley swallowed uncomfortably and sidled a questioning glance at the angel, unwilling to make the moment more painful for himself with the addition of direct eye contact. Aziraphale nudged Crowley’s leg with his foot, and it was so wildly out of character that Crowley jumped at the unexpected contact.

“I think-" Aziraphale sighed. "I think we’ve been rather silly, perhaps.”

Crowley could feel himself trembling with the effort of staying still.

“I think you’ve been keeping things from me all this time and - Muriel told me about your trip to Heaven, by the by - and I think, I could be wrong, but, well, I could well be wrong- I mean it’s entirely possible I’m jumping to-”

Crowley felt like he was waiting for the sword of Damocles to fall on his head. 

“Just say it,” he said wearily.

“Well is it possible you might have thought that by keeping things from me you- you’ve been- I mean to say, you’ve thought you were perhaps… protecting me?”

Their eyes met. Crowley’s mouth was dry as parchment.

Obviously, he wanted to say. Obviously, you precious, oblivious idiot.

“Yeah,” he said instead. Slowly. Warily.

“Can I-?” Aziraphale gestured between them and Crowley had no idea what he was asking but he nodded anyway, because he’d never been able to deny the angel anything, had he?

Well. Almost anything. 

Come with me… to Heaven!

He stiffened at the memory before being hauled back to the present by Aziraphale shuffling closer. He forced Crowley over until they were sitting thigh to thigh.

“Is there anything else you haven’t told me because of this entirely misguided intention of shielding me from harm?”

‘Shut up and die already!’ 

‘Extreme sanctions.’

‘Anyway, Armageddon the sequel, that's a nah.’

“A few things,” he admitted. 

“Serious things? Important things?”

“Yes. Probably.”

“Why?" Aziraphale looked hurt. "Did you really think I was so weak? So incapable?”

Crowley started to shake his head, slowly and then more vigorously.

“Did you think so little of me?”

“No. No .”

“Then why?”

Crowley spread his hands helplessly. “Didn’t want to tell you things that might hurt you,” he said eventually. “Just, yeah. Mn. Didn’t want to hurt you.”

Aziraphale was so close it made his skin prickle. He clenched his jaw. The angel’s head was down and he was looking at Crowley’s yellow socks with a pensive look on his face.

“If you had just talked to me-”

“Isn’t that just-”

They stopped. Aziraphale gestured for Crowley to continue.

“Well it's just... Isn’t that how it goes? You get into difficulty, I help you get out of it… Practically tradition!” He sounded defensive and a little guilty. “I don’t know why we’re talking about this, honestly. It’s- You know I think you’re-” He hissed through his teeth, and started over. “Obviously you’re not weak or incapable. I mean, The Metatron- You know. You must know. Anyway. Look. I just wanted to-”

“...Be the hero,” interrupted Aziraphale, not unkindly.

Crowley bristled.

Aziraphale gave him a gentle push with his shoulder. “You are, you know. Almost always.”

An embarrassed heat worked its way up Crowley’s neck. “Nng,” he said.

“You should know though that I don’t actually need you. I mean, I could have extricated myself from those situations-”

“Of course,” he said dully. Of course he didn’t need him. Presumptuous to think he might. The embarrassed heat became a simmer of shame.

“... What I mean to say is, I could have got myself out of those situations, I think, but I didn’t, because I- Well.” Aziraphale cleared his throat and continued, sounding a bit sheepish. “I rather wanted you to come to my rescue, you see. It always makes me so happy to see you, to- to turn and find you in my corner.” 

Crowley blinked. Searched for words, found none.

“So, ah, that’s the thing, I think. I hope that made sense. Did it?”

Did it? Crowley didn’t know. He thought he understood, but the understanding was being dragged backward by a clawed fear digging its heels into well-worn notches. His mind was completely useless, whiting out into a screaming blankness.

“I don’t need you, Crowley. I mean, I do, but only- What I'm trying to say is that I don't need you to shield me from the truth, or protect me from whatever it is you think I might feel. I don't need you, but I do want you."

There was a silence, and Aziraphale swallowed audibly. "All the time, actually.”

Crowley couldn’t hold a single coherent thought together. A colossal wave of emotion crashed over him and he was tumbling through churning chaos, unable to breathe and with no idea which way was up. His fingertips dug into the leather cushions.

”Not just in 1941, Crowley. All the time.”

Crowley’s eyes darted around the room, frantically looking for something to ground him in the moment. Aziraphale reached out to gently, gently turn his face towards him.

Their eyes locked and Crowley had to swallow down a pleading whine. He searched Aziraphale’s face and found only resolve, and concern, and tenderness, and something that looked like - but couldn’t possibly be - love. He heard a choked whimper escape from his throat. 

He couldn’t bring himself to care. Any embarrassment was burned away by scorching desire.

Aziraphale curved both hands around Crowley’s head, being very careful to avoid hurting him, and brought them down until he was cradling his jaw in his hands, his thumb gently smoothing the skin next to his mouth. 

“All the time, Crowley,” he repeated, then hesitated a moment before continuing. “That is to say…Now.”

Crowley felt as if his muscles had turned to brittle stone. Part of his brain was suddenly afraid that he was still elsewhere, that he was still in the white room, that everything that had come after had been a dream, and that his imagination was crafting this entire unlikely scenario out of longings long-buried. 

Aziraphale kept his eyes on Crowley as he closed the distance between them. He did it slowly, so slowly, giving him every chance to pull away. 

A spark of panic sputtered to life. This wasn’t happening. This wasn’t real. This was-

Aziraphale’s lips met Crowley’s, soft and tentative, and the spark of panic was immediately snuffed out.

Aziraphale opened his mouth the tiniest amount, moving against his lips, coaxing him to kiss back. He angled his head to deepen the kiss, and Crowley finally, finally, felt his muscles unlock and melt into a moment he’d yearned for but never thought he’d be lucky enough to get, not really, not ever.

And all it had taken was the kind of grievous bodily harm that would traumatise someone for at least a century, and a fight to the death against the Voice of God.

Crowley would do it all over again if that was what it took for him to have this moment.

He had the blurry recollection of Muriel calling him a masochist, and one corner of his mouth curved up as he flicked his tongue against Aziraphale’s, laughing against his mouth when the angel startled. 

This was happening. This was real.

This was bliss.

[idkwhatimdoinghere1655]

Australian GP 2024!

Mads' Race Recap!

Oh my jesus lord christ alive this was a goddamn good day. OK, I'll try to remain calm, but that is VERY difficult under the circumstances of my 3 best boys getting the podiums. But, I shall do this in order of constructors. Also, thanks to @lipringlrh for edging me through the entire bloody race cause she knew what happened, I swore I was going to be sick.

Red Bull - Nice qualis from Max, and I can't say I wasn't happy with Checo's three place penalty, just because I definitely think it helped the main race. Everything was all honky dory, then Carlos overtook and I was just like 'OK Carlitos, sure'. Then Max was slowing down... Then Lando and Charles passed, and the everyone else. The brakes were smoking, I was screaming out of pure joy. Now, don't take this the wrong way, I love Max. BUT, this provided my boys some very good opportunities. I reckon if Checo hadn't gotten the penalty, he could've tried to pip in front, but I won't dwell on what didn't happen.

Ferrari - WE GOT A FUCKING FERRARI 1-2 BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHEN I TELL YOU I LOST MY GODDAMN MIND IT IS UNPARALLELED! Anyway, I'll be constructive, for a moment, at least. Charles and Carlos had some mental quali pace, so how they didn't get pole is a little crazy to me. Alas, none of that matters now. The second I saw Max go, I was like 'oh fuck we've got it'. Carlos DOTD and race winner, barely 2 weeks after having his appendix out and he doesn't have a seat?! Absolutely diabolical. It was sweet how he went back to singing Smooth Operator, I was waiting for it. When I heard the commentators saying that they may swap the positions so that Charles could lead the WDC, I was shitting it. Yes, I wanted Charles to win, but I didn't want it to be because of something stupid like team orders. Charles can win without needing it handing to him, and it would've been so damn disrespectful to Carlos. Every year that a team has finished 1-2 in Melbourne, they've gone on to win both championships... It's our year, I'm telling you.

So happy to see them back at the top, both of them did incredibly, Charles was pulling pace out of God knows where for that fastest lap. And the strategy was good???? Like, bringing Charles in when he said he needed to? Listening??? Nice stuff. Hearing the Spanish and Italian anthems was absolutely amazing. Also, I feel like this really highlights how special Ferrari is. The team were screaming that Italian anthem like there was nothing more important to them, and they were all hugging and having a whale of a time. It was just so fucking nice to see Charlandos up there, so fucking good. So so so so so happy, Forza Ferrari. Everyone is a Ferrari fan.

McLaren - OK, so, quali wise, Lando kinda came out of nowhere. I feel like Oscar was just... There? We were racing, it was the 'rarri 1-2 with Oscar in P3 at his home race, it was lovely stuff. Then they swapped the positions. Can someone please tell me why they swapped the positions? Pretty sure it was something to do with either less pace or more recent pitting or something, but I'm not 100% sure. As much as I love Lando, I wanted him to stay down in P3 just for that Ferrari 1-2. I needed it. The last few laps, I was looking at the delta between Charles and Lando, and I was relieved to see that it wasn't changing. Super happy for Lando, Oscar did loads better at his home race, nice one for all.

Mercedes - What the hell is going on here? Like, Lewis' qualis weren't good, George's were fine, nothing bad but nothing spectacular. Now the race was something else. I can't really blame Lewis for his problem, since it was a mechanical issue obviously as opposed to driver error. From what I saw of George, he didn't even do anything that bad. One minute he was fine, the next he was turned on his side. I may not want Merc to get points, but I don't want a crash to be the reason why. He's OK, so that's all that really matters. But, as for the car in general, there's something wrong with it. It's not just a one week thing where it's a bit off, this has been consistent. Yes, George had a nice P3 in qualis the other week, but the pace just wasn't there at all in the race. I just don't know what's going on with them at the minute, and the fact that they're so behind the Ferraris and McLarens is concerning.

Aston Martin - Pretty mediocre all together, I've seen varied opinions on Fernando's 20 second pen. Some said he was kinda to blame for George's crash, from what I saw, he was just avoiding George after the fact. I don't really know, so I won't comment until I watch another replay. But yeah, nothing too special, but they do need to up their game.

VCARB/RB/REDBULLSHITTYEDITION - Yuki Tsunoda. Well bloody done babe. Got extra points thanks to the Fernando penalty, even if I didn't really see him during the race like... at all. But, he must've done a pretty damn good job to end up all the way in eighth before the end of the race. Now, Daniel. What is this man doing? 12th is not bad, but when your teammate with less experience in the same car is doing that much better than you in your home race, you know something's up. I love Danny Ric, but Carlos is more likely to get that Red Bull seat than he is at this rate. Slightly disappointed, I won't lie.

Haas - Both drivers getting points? OK, OK. I actually think Kevin could've gotten higher in qualis if Checo hadn't impeded, but I'm glad Checo was put down on the grid. Overall though, nice drive from both, nice to see them get points.

Williams - Right, realistically, what harm would it have done to let Logan drive? It wasn't his fault, Alex has fucked it at that circuit so many times at the same place, and Alex didn't even get points. It wasn't fair, and he took it like an absolute champ. #justiceforlogiebear #cancelwilliams

Kick Sauber - These guys need to fix their pitstops I swear to God. How many times are they going to get that wheel nut stuck on? They did 1 good one for Valtteri, but they screwed up all the others. Zhou's pitlane start was unfortunate after it looked like his front wing just... fell off. Someone said the car reminds them of a wheelie bin, I completely agree and can't see it any differently.

Alpine - Pierre 's fault for getting the 5 second penalty, but other than that, they were shit as usual. Pierre was running pretty high for a little while, then just kind of... fell back. I can't help but laugh at them, I know it's mean, I just find it so bloody comical. I think FC Versailles is just a distraction, but he has just invested in a Tier 3 league, unheard of French football team... Nice one, I guess.

[psychicreadsgirl]

Could you please do a personality and general reading (career/health/love) for Jang Wonyoung (IVE)?

Personality wise/other stuff I pick up about her

Very guarded, secretive, protective of herself, has very few friends (almost 0), independent, focused on her career, very serious (don't joke about her), very cold, doesn't really express her emotions/doesn't really feel much, kind of robotic, has some trauma that she is deeply suppressing like if she remembers this incident or some other ones she'll break down, suppresses her feelings a lot so she doesn't feel anything, determined, disciplined, worries a lot

I'd say her mental health is pretty poor - also probably grinds her teeth a lot due to stress/anxiety. Her personality is very suppressed or robotic because of her mental health. She is blocking a lot of feelings/emotions - when I read her, I just get a very empty person, almost like a pretty porcelain doll...

She could potentially break down fully at any time if she gets triggered. Either her mental health is so poor that she can't even stand on stage or her physical health is so bad that she needs to be hospitalized.

There are some traumatic/unhappy instances that she would like to forget and keeps blocking them away. I think her thinking is that as long as she doesn't feel, she won't get hurt. She'll probably overwork herself or control herself in unhealthy ways like diet. She gets some sense of control when she's able to control what she eats and her weight. She tries to fill the emptiness/unhappiness in her life by getting more CFs etc because that makes her feel like what happened was worth it (i.e. she's successful etc.)

It is difficult to get a true personality reading for her at this moment in time because she has shut herself down completely. You're really looking at an empty shell within her right now. If you look at her eyes from recent pictures, you can see that they're more or less empty. There's no "soul" in the eyes. Perhaps years ago, she was more energetic, optimistic, and happy.

(Compare Wonyoung's eyes with the other 2 guests beside her. You'll see what I mean.)

*So this Wonyoung post became frozen when I clicked post, yet it still posted. That to me means that Wonyoung feels very stuck in her current situation yet time still goes on, so she sort of feels like she has left herself behind at a platform a long time ago while everyone's time sort of continues to go on. I think she does want help/want a way out of this because my post still got published. If she didn't want her situation to be known at all, then my post would have just completely froze and I wouldn't have been able to publish it at all. Unfortunately at this time I don't think I see anyone extending their hand out to help her nor is she directly asking for help. She's too guarded for anyone (tbh) to offer help..

[mooncalfe-art]

I just wanted to ask, clarify, and/or talk about some things:

So first, there are the ages posts, one, has Leo be 22, and Mikey being 19, I think. I can't remember Raph and Donnie's ages, but I do remember Donnie and Raph were between Leo and Mikey in age I think. And I even think Donnie was the 2nd oldest? Which is/was cool! And/or interesting.

But now, u have the updated age post, and all the turtles are (Leo, Donnie, Mikey, and Raph that is. And Lita) are six now. And I gotta admit, I liked Leo being the eldest, and by 3 years when compared to Mikey. Since I see him as such an ultimate big bro/as the ultimate big brother. Oh well; I can still think of him like that if I want to, he defin. acts like the ultimate big brother (be it eldest and/or a just a big brother (too), and u originally had him as 22 in that other post as well.

I am also guessing in their past lives Leo may have been the oldest, than Donnie, then Raph, then Mikey? Hence where u may have gotten the ages somewhat in that other ages post?

Also, them as turtles is 6 (I think that is what u meant?)? But mutant-wise, biology?-wise, and mentally wise they are late teens and/or early-ish 20's, correct? Just to clarify?

Also; I hope they are aging normally now!

(Sorry for all the questions and stuff, this stuff just has me a bit confused).

Have other thing(s) to say, but I will leave that for another Ask(s), and just leave this Ask as my ask talking about this subject.

P.S.: Do u prefer to get Asks here or on ur mooncalfe (I think) tumblr blog?

Mutant age is weird in IDW TMNT! The way animals are mutated it's like they instantly turn into adults with language skills and full cognition or whatever, as opposed to other TMNT incarnations where they mutate more gradually and age the way humans do. It makes pinpointing the Turtles' ages (and Alopex, Splinter, etc.) difficult and confusing. So yeah, when I listed their ages in that first post, I meant biologically (late teens) rather than chronologically (just a few years). Also I think the way Tom Waltz was writing the mutation it was like the characters' experience as animals was taken into account as to what their age, physicality, and cognitive level would be upon mutation (like Hob was an older cat, for example, so when mutated, his "cat years" were translated into the equivalent of human years which meant he ended up as a 30-something adult). And that's not even taking into account the psychotropic serum which would bestow human-level intelligence on a mutant, like when Slash was first mutated he was very animalistic but then when he later got the serum, it gave him instant adult-level intellect. Early in the series there was something about the serum splintering the animal's consciousness from their natural instincts (where Splinter gets his name from) but I'd have to go back and read that first arc again, it's been a while. Tom, why did you make this so confusing?!? ;)

I got the different ages from what my former editor Bobby Curnow's headcanon was, I based them off that and how the Turtles looked in their past lives like you said, yeah. And yep they are all mentally, cognitively, physically, biologically late teens, they don't actually act like 6-year-olds or anything like that. ;) And I think you're right that they (and other animal-born mutants) would be aging normally now.

This is all complicated by the fact that we're not actually allowed to give the characters specific ages in the comic, so technically and canonically the Turtles are eternally late teens, the way other comic characters like Batman or Spider-Man never actually age despite time seeming to pass within their respective universes. @_@ So I guess my original answer to the age ask is non-canon, since those ages will never actually be confirmed in the comic. I hope that all makes sense!

I actually shut my old mooncalfe tumblr down the other day, so you can send asks here! :)

[drdemonprince]

could you tell us about your experience with mushrooms? I've tried it many times, and I feel like it hasn't changed anything for me (though i had no expectations), but maybe i was "doing it wrong"

I posted about it a couple weeks back, so you can scroll thru for that, but it didn't do much for me. I felt high like I was on weed, I danced in a warehouse for a while, which was as pleasant as it always is substances or no, I went outside and the grass and leaves were shimmering, my friend drove me in their car and we listened to Bjork and it was very pretty and moving to watch the sunlight glisten on the skyscrapers and the lake, I felt a sense of peace and certainty in living here being an immense gift that I should cement by establishing more permanent roots here, housing wise, and then we went to the beach to watch a drag show and i drank a bubble tea and felt relaxed and good. later in the evening, mostly sober watching children's dog movies of the 90s like All Dogs Go to Heaven, I got kind of emotional. but nothing beyond my normal range of possible feeling. i was depressed the next day, sad like a forlorn child in a manageable way. i was irritable and pissy the next few days, desperately craving my own space and quiet, which used to happen a few years ago when i was in a worse living situation and place in my life. it felt like backsliding. i was annoyed that i felt that way. it stayed like that for a few days. now a couple weeks later im basically the same, but a little more resolute about some changes that i want to make. i feel like a serious adult man. if anything it just got me to where i was mentally heading a little bit faster.

sometimes the shrooms have something to teach you, my friend blair says, and sometimes they don't. while i was high in the car listening to bjork, i turned inward and asked the mushrooms, "hey guys, whats going on? what do i need to know, if anything?" and they said to me (im speaking metaphorically here) "you already know exactly what is going on in your life. you know what you're good at and what you want, and you know what has been persistently making you upset. youve made certain decisions about how to navigate the difficult things in your life, and you have an accurate gauge of what the costs of that are. not much else to say. you know what's going on." and i was like "bet." i didn't hallucinate, i had no big revelations, and i probably wouldnt do it again for a very long time because the come down sucked for me.

people overhype what substances can do for you, a lot of the time. it's just a tool. it can be fun. it can give you diarrhea. it can make you cry, and maybe that's good. it's not a solution to your problems it's just another problem but some problems are worth it in your own risk cost calculus etc.

and i find that many autistic people just aren't all that impacted by substances like allistics are. we're so reflexive at masking that our impulse may be to maintain composure and level headedness at all times. i was pretty sober after anesthesia too. i often wish that substances would give me some grand feeling of release, but once the drug hits my system all i want is to remain in control, as i always do. there's an infamous story about a guy who the CIA tested acid tabs on, who didn't hallucinate or act funny after like 30 consecutive doses. he just seemed normal. it turned out he was at baseline absolutely consumed with debilitating anxiety. so being super fucking high just gave him something to direct his hyperanalytical system's attention to. i hope someone reading this will remember this account and provide a link, im not being super precise. but. there's something about that experience that i relate to. ive never been out of control on any substance. i always seem pretty lucid, maybe a little sillier or more tired but even those things feel like a choice.

[manicpixiedreamjew]

hi. i don't want to trouble u so if u don't want to answer this feel free to ignore it. it has been my dream for years to convert to judaism and i've been in contact for a while with a synagogue in a town near mine, participated in shabbat services and some high holidays even (rosh hashanah was my favorite), started reading the recommended books etc. i loved it all but once i mentioned the unjust treatment of palestinians by the israeli government and my politics which are generally very left-leaning i was told that the palestinians aren't oppressed, that no jew thinks like me and that with my views it would be more than difficult to get close to the jewish religion and i was basically told to distance myself from the community. this was a progressive synagogue btw. i live in germany and in one of its smallest states population-wise as well, so now due to this rejection i'm kind of losing hope to be ever able to realize my dream. i assume you'refrom the us and i know the us has a big jewish minority while germany has a very small one for obvious reasons. i have a lot of understanding for why zionism exists but i simply can't agree with it bc it goes against my morals. i can't feel patriotic for any country. and personally i do not agree that being a leftist and a jew is mutually exclusive. i get the impression from your blog that you are a leftist as well. did you have any such problems when first getting in contact with a jewish community? i don't want judaism to be a space where i need to leave my morals at the doorstep (that would be ironic and nonsensical to me) and hide things abt myself (like that i'm a leftist, lgbt, mentally ill) but i'm scared now that this won't be possible. anyways. hope you're having a nice day/night. here's a monke for u. 🦧

ty for monke!!

im so sorry youve had this experience, as far as my own experiences go, this sort of treatment is extremely unusual for any liberal or leftist jewish circles in the us. i myself am not versed in the israel/palestine conflict but my rabbis are, and they CONSTANTLY speak out against the injustice happening over there, and they offer unbiased tours of israel where you go talk to palestinians and israelis both

i dont consider myself zionist or antizionist and i really have no energy to go into the whole shebang debate, so i will publish this and see what my followers have to say :) pls no vitriol or meaningless political fighting on this post this person is genuinely confused and hurt

anon if you want to private message me i can get you in contact with my rabbis who could explain this better than any of us could i bet!

[everythinglucymaudmontgomery]

A Few Words in Defense of Poor Robin and the Time She Was Living In

It's been really interesting to read everyone's vitriol regarding poor Robin. I remember reading this book through at least twice before and never thinking of Robin as anything other than a fellow prisoner of Jane's. Is she a good mother, by no means, but I've always felt that she's doing the best that she can under the circumstances.

I think that her life is a literal living hell. She has a husband across country that she desperately loves but most likely thinks despises her because I KNOW she despises herself. She is forced to be a social butterfly by her mother and she can't even express her emotions by crying at night in her own room because her mother will be able to tell and will find some new creative way to torture her and, by extension, Jane. Her daughter whom she loves fiercely, evidently looks just like her father and is a constant reminder of what she lost/threw away. She is playing a part in a horrific nightmarish play just to survive because she doesn't know what else to do. At that time, and under those circumstances, I don't doubt that she sees living with her mother's horribleness is her best option for providing for Jane. I can't imagine how many times she has most likely visualized running away with Jane by herself but most likely is more afraid of the two of them starving to death and NO mother ever wants to remotely consider that option.

I'm also pretty sure that the time frame for this book is sometime in the 20s/30s. According to the website for the Canadian Museum of History, Canada was among the most profoundly affected countries. So add that to Robin's fears for their livelihood.

And please let's not forget that, for all of Robin's faults, Jane does not doubt that her mother loves her. I have more to say in defense of her and Jane and their secret ways of expressing love but since I don't want to give away any spoilers to those who haven't read it yet, I will refrain.

Another thing that I have found is very interesting about how Maud wrote both "The Blue Castle" and "Jane of Lantern Hill" is that she writes more strictly from one point of view. As common as that is in many books, one thing I always liked about the Anne books was that you got all of these wonderful insights into the minds of other characters. I have seen it a precious few times so far in Lantern Hill.

The reason I point this out is that most of how we are seeing Jane's life play out is from the perspective of an 11 year old. Don't get me wrong, a very perceptive (at times) and wise beyond her years, 11 year old, but an 11 year old, none the less. They are not known to be the most broad minded of people and have a tendency to color the world with a narrowness that can alter reality to some extent. We do have to take a lot of her experiences and outlooks with a grain of salt giving others the benefit of the doubt at least.

I have often found it very difficult bordering on impossible to read books from other time frames without being influenced by the modern sensibilities and customs I am used to. For example, how could Cinderella's stepmother get away with taking her own house away from her after her father died and treating her like a slave? Oh wait. This was not the 21st century, orphans were not looked at the same. In fact, most people looked at orphans as if it was THEIR own fault that they were orphans, like losing your parents makes you a bad person and not worth time or pity.

Am I excusing Robin's behavior? As a mother, NO. Do I think the grandmother should be excused. HEAVENS NO! But I do try to put myself in their shoes as much as I can and remember that this was a different time and place. Not to mention, as a sufferer of mental health issues and knowing that that was something that was not touched with a ten foot pole back then and good lord knows what genetic predisposition they had in that regards on top of living through WW1 and the Great Depression AND the Spanish Flu Pandemic!!!!

Anyway, I hope this makes some semblance of sense to my dear fellow lovers of L.M.M. It's been so interesting and enlightening getting to hear the different thoughts and outlooks from fresh readers of this little known but wonderful book.

[creativwit]

AO3 Masterlist

This is my AO3 masterlist! You can find my AO3 here under CreativWit! I currently have 71 works on there, so this post is going to be a loooong work in progress until I can get all of those put together. So consider this post as "Under Construction" for a while!

Spy x Family Works

Floodgates - (WIP)

Cowritten with @rachellysebrook / @rlbbackup Pairing(s): Loid Forger/Yor Forger, Franky Franklin/OC Rating: Mature Trigger Warnings: angst, temporary character death, self-harm, suicidal thoughts/actions, mental breakdowns, mental health issues (depression, anxiety, PTSD, paranoia), starvation, injury/injury recovery, jealousy, assassination/assassination attempts Summary:

Unlike most other jobs, Franky’s didn’t come with a contract when he first signed up. Then again, Franky’s job isn’t like other jobs. It didn’t come with a comprehensive list of responsibilities, health insurance, a set wage, or a boss to report to. At the end of the day, no matter how many people he keeps in contact with, Franky has to deal with his own issues on his lonesome.

Twilight more than proved that to him.

Hold Onto Me (I'm A Little Unsteady) - (Completed)

Pairing(s): Loid Forger/Franky Franklin, background Loid Forger/Franky Franklin/Yor Forger/Fiona Frost Rating: Teen Trigger Warnings: implied/referenced child abuse, implied/referenced human experimentation, child experimentation Summary: (Part of the Spy x Family Rare Pair Server's Rare Pair Week Event!)

Franky rolls his neck, trying to relieve the tension building up from Loid’s insistence. Dropping his offered hand, Franky asks, “Why isn't going to bed without me an option?”

Loid frowns. He doesn’t respond right away, choosing to stand up. He sways with exhaustion, and Franky quickly sets his cup on the coffee table, prepared to steady Loid if he needs to. Loid pays him no mind, placing his hands over Franky’s tie and undoing the knot. Franky raises an eyebrow, but he lets Loid pull off the tie and push off Franky’s suspenders.

“If we’re gonna have a late night talk,” Loid mumbles, words nearly slurring, “then we’re gonna get comfortable.”

I Do It All For You - (Completed)

Pairing(s): Loid Forger/Fiona Frost/Yor Briar Forger/Franky Franklin Rating: Teen Trigger Warnings: canon-typical violence, mental health issues, references to depression, suicidal thoughts/actions, self-sacrificing actions, self-worth issues, gunshot wounds, near-death experiences Summary: (Part of the Spy x Family Rare Pair Server's Rare Pair Week Event!)

Franky huffs, shaking his head. “Conflict. So pointless.”

Nightfall looks at Franky with a blank expression, but she can’t help the curiosity. “I take it you’re not one for violence.”

“No,” Franky snorts. “I’ll leave that to you lunatics.” Then, Franky eyes the folders, frowning slightly. “Seriously, sweetheart…be careful. The people you’re dealing with are no joke. They’ve taken out WISE agents in the past.”

Nightfall’s attention snaps back to Franky, suddenly losing all humor. “How many?”

“Too many,” Franky responds, giving her a chaste kiss on the cheek. “Please…don’t make it another.”

Symbol Of My Devotion - (Completed)

Pairing(s): Camilla/Dominic Rating: Teen Trigger Warnings: arguing, implied/referenced child abuse, implied/referenced child neglect, implied/referenced self-hard, self-esteem issues/self-hatred, self-doubt, secondhand embarrassment, implied/referenced eating disorder Summary: (Part of the Spy x Family Rare Pair Server's Rare Pair Week Event!)

The past few months have been…difficult to say the least. More than once, she met with the office ladies at a bar, drinking herself stupid as she lamented her woes. She’s seen their looks: Sharon’s exasperation, Yor’s pity, and Millie’s annoyance. Camilla figures they’re getting tired of hearing the same spiel, but how can she help herself? After over a decade of dating Dominic, and over six years of living together, she figures they would have had their dream wedding already. Since she was only a teenager, young and kicking her feet in bed over her first date with Dominic, Camilla has planned every detail, from her perfect dress down to the grain of the venue’s wooden floorboards. Dominic, on the other hand…he hasn’t quite been as open about his preferences for their wedding or honeymoon since the very beginning.

Part of Camilla wonders if he wants to marry her at all.

To Wash Away My Pain - (Completed)

Pairing(s): Loid Forger/Yor Briar Forger/Franky Franklin Rating: Explicit (sexual content) Trigger Warnings: self-esteem issues, self-doubt, chronic pain Summary: (Part of the Spy x Family Rare Pair Server's Rare Pair Week Event!)

“You know, love…orgasms are known to help women with menstrual pain.”

Loid opens his eyes to stare at her. “Are you…asking for sex because you’re on your cycle?”

Yor laughs, her eyes crinkling in delight, and the sight makes Loid’s stomach flip. “No. I’m talking about you.”

“He doesn’t get periods, Yor.” Leave it to Franky to state the obvious.

Shaking her head, Yor finally explains herself, “What I’m trying to say is that if orgasms can help menstrual pain…” Yor’s eyes suddenly flicker with excitement. “Isn’t it worth seeing if it can help with chronic pain as well?”

Push My Luck - (Completed)

Pairing(s): Yuri Briar/State Security Service First Lieutenant Rating: Mature (implied sexual content) Trigger Warnings: chronic pain Summary: (Part of the Spy x Family Rare Pair Server's Rare Pair Week Event!)

“Oh, is that the only thing that’s stopping you?” Yuri presses, his tone suddenly switching from his innocent facade to something low-tinged and dangerous. “Meaning that if we could, that if we could get away with it, you’d do it?”

“Yuri-”

“Because let’s get one thing straight, Lieutenant,” Yuri continues, tongue darting out to lick his lips, “I’d do it in a heartbeat, whether we could or couldn’t.”

My Advice? Just Shut Up and Kiss Me - (Completed)

Pairing(s): Loid Forger/Franky Franklin, background Loid Forger/Franky Franklin/Yor Briar Forger Rating: Teen Trigger Warnings: self-esteem issues, self-doubt, voyeurism Summary: (Part of the Spy x Family Rare Pair Server's Rare Pair Week Event!)

He can practically hear Franky rolling his eyes. “I’m pretty sure this is a trial-and-error type of deal.” Franky snaps his fingers. “Trial by fire, that’s the term.”

“Less fires, the better.”

“Well, yeah,” Franky snorts, and Loid can hear him balancing precariously on two legs of his chair. The urge to push him over and teach him a lesson is almost too strong to ignore. “Think about it, though. How many people actually read up on relationship advice these days?”

“How would I know?” Loid sighs heavily, closing his eyes as he gathers the remaining dregs of his quickly fading patience. “I’ve never done this before.”

“Well, I have-”

“And how did that work out for you?”

“Terribly, actually. Thanks for asking."

And The Memories Bring Back You - (Completed)

Pairing(s): Loid Forger/Franky Franklin/Yor Briar Forger, Franky Franklin & Anya Forger Rating: Teen Trigger Warnings: PTSD, grief/mourning, implied/referenced minor character death, past character death, repressed memories, past trauma, self-esteem issues Summary:

“Papa Scruffy,” she starts, her tone lilting up as she prepares to ask him a question. Franky gives her his attention, but his fingers continue to play the lullaby. “Can you teach Anya to play?”

At that, Franky’s heart swells, and a bright smile crosses his face. “Of course.”

~~~~~~~

Franky teaches Anya how to play guitar, and maybe he remembers some important memories along the way.

I'll Give You Shelter - (Completed)

Pairing(s): Loid Forger/Yor Briar Forger Rating: Teen Trigger Warnings: self-esteem issues, injury/injury recovery, implied/referenced PTSD, canon-typical violence, stabbing, near-death experiences, blood and injury Summary:

“Stay…away…from my…husband,” she snarls.

Against his training, Loid’s instincts overwhelm him. He recoils away from Yor. No…that’s not Yor. The low-pitched voice, the all-too-familiar promise of death lacing her words. She speaks in a tone heard from very few people, all of whom Loid steadfastly avoids. Loid doesn’t know who the woman in front of him is, but she is not his wife.

The S-Classes That I Raised Works

These Lines Pain a Picture (A Picture of my Pain) - (Completed)

Pairing(s): Han Yoohyun & Han Yoojin, Han Yoojin & Bak Yerim Rating: Teen Trigger Warnings: implied/referenced self-harm, scars, suicidal thoughts, depression, recovery, implied/referenced suicidal actions Summary:

Regressing five years instead of the entire eight years leaves behind its scars and not just the mental ones. At night, he dreams of his brother’s corpse in his arms, tossing and turning in bed as though his physical efforts could ever prevent the pain that haunts his every waking step. He hopes daylight will bring new solace, praying that the sun will burn away the lingering shadows at the edges of his vision. But then the light catches on the silvery parts of his wrists, and he falls into the depths once again.

Batman Works

If You're Going To Break My Heart, Lie Instead - (Completed)

Pairing(s): Tim Drake/OC, Past Tim Drake/OC, Tim Drake & Dick Grayson & Jason Todd & Damian Wayne, Tim Drake & Bruce Wayne Rating: Teen Trigger Warnings: cheating, failed relationships, abandonment issues, references to depression, drinking to cope, self-esteem issues, self-confidence issues, coping Summary:

Throughout the whole performance - if Tim could even call it that, considering how often Henry blatantly missed notes – Claire never took her eyes off the damn guitarist.

And Tim was starting to wonder if he was losing a competition he hadn’t known he was competing in."

~~~~~~~

Or, alternatively, Tim is in a happy relationship with a girl he loves, until he finds out that maybe this relationship isn't as two-sided as it may seem.

Porcelain Tomb - (Completed)

Pairing(s): Tim Drake & Bruce Wayne Rating: Teen Trigger Warnings: implied/referenced child abuse, implied/referenced child neglect, generational trauma, childhood trauma, mirroring Summary:

Bruce visibly chewed the inside of his cheek, mulling over his words. When he spoke, he did so slowly, as if being cautious with his words. “You were starting to worry me.”

The sudden incredulity makes Tim scoff lightly. “I- how?”

“You reminded me too much of Janet Drake.”

In the Name of Love - (Completed)

Pairing(s): Tim Drake & Dick Grayson Rating: General Trigger Warnings: implied/referenced child abuse, implied/referenced child neglect, generational trauma, childhood trauma, past minor character death, implied/referenced murder Summary:

“Mom and dad never loved me, did they?”

The question comes so out of the blue that Dick feels justified in his reaction of choking on the steaming tea Alfred had delivered to him only moments ago. His eyes swivel to meet Tim’s, but his little brother isn’t looking at him. The far-off look in Tim’s eyes tugs at that old ache in Dick’s chest.

It’s going to be one of those nights, isn’t it?

[okthatsgreat]

@lottiematthewsgirl ENABLER!!!!!!! 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻

still on the topic of ultimate talents coming with a time limit, a LOT of entertainment talents have to keep this in mind. the idea that eventually their target audience will abandon them because they have grown out of the talent they were initially famous for. honestly this kind of applies to ryobe even (considering his content creation is catered heavily to a teenage audience, and eventually he can't hold that relatability any more), but he has the possibility of pivoting into different content yknow? but ocs like erin and rie, whose entire lives revolve around a "character" (one is definitely more of a character than the other LMFAO) they must maintain in order to succeed in their industry, do NOT have that much of a choice. for a pageant queen and a children's entertainer, they are extremely limited in what they are able to achieve in their selective industries. not to mention, they only have so much time before they grow up and out of the age range that each industry calls for. this kind of pressure on two teenagers is a lot of the motivation of why they act in the way they do and why at times (especially in erins case) they act selfishly!

i've definitely touched on it already, but beauty and being seen as young and gorgeous is something that is so pivotal to rie's career. her entire livelihood frankly depends on her youth and beauty, and she only has so few years to capitalise on this before she is seen as expendable in the industry. it is an absolutely horrifying sentiment, but rie is in her prime at SEVENTEEN. which should be NOBODY'S prime. but she knows it, the beauty world around her knows it, and she must do literally everything she can to survive and thrive while she is able to before she becomes washed up and irrelevant. this is a lot of reason why she is so difficult to crumble personality-wise, because if she is seen as disagreeable that is a HUGE dent to her already flimsy career. thats why she keeps on that practiced smile of hers and answers every single question like it is the interview portion of a beauty pageant--- unbiased and vaguely compassionate :)

and i think something so interesting about pippy/erin especially in regards to time limits is that while rie is currently IN her prime, pippy is actually PAST it already. she is only a teenager and she is literally already past it. this is not pippy's prime and she knows it. the peak of her career was when she was a child!!! an actual child, when her tv show was the most popular and pippy made the most sense as a character!! so much of erins personality is a desperate attempt to maintain that child persona of hers that has gotten her into the industry and sustained her entire household. she cant AFFORD to grow up--- growing up means shedding pippy and losing everything. erin has been conditioned into this almost "do or die" mentality where even if there ARE other areas she could go into, she has been so greatly frightened away from them and considers her life to be over once her show ends. she is on seriously borrowed time, and the more she ages and keeps up this relentless, overly chipper persona the more obvious it becomes that she is a grown teenager in a children's costume trying desperately to cling on to the only fantasy world she has ever known and been loved for

yeah anyways they both make me insane. girls on borrowed time that consider their lives over when their careers end LOL. lol......

[thiswaytwoinfinity]

Emma’s Epic Bday Multi-Fandom Rec List: Stranger Things Edition

(yes, there will be many parts because oh my god I read waaaay too much fic)

Since it was my birthday recently (and around the 1-year anniversary of when I started actually using Tumblr again after a years-long break) I figured it was only fitting to do a giant master list of all of the amazing fanfics that I have read (and reread) in the past year. 

I do my best to reblog as much as possible but sometimes with work and life I miss it so this is my attempt to make up for that and give all of the amazing creators on here the credit they deserve. Thank you all so much for sharing all of your work with us. This year has been a long and difficult one for me, especially mental health wise, and being able to escape into these stories has been so valuable and important to me. 

If you read anything on here that you like, please reblog and/or comment on these fics to show the creators some love! 

AN IMPORTANT NOTE: While not everything listed here will include smut, many of these authors have 18+ blogs. Please, please, please respect their boundaries and DO NOT INTERACT WITH THEM/THEIR CONTENT IF YOU ARE A MINOR.

Stories marked with ❤️‍🔥 contain NSFW content

Stranger Things: 

colors (series) ❤️‍🔥by @loveshotzz — this was my introduction to ST fanfic and hooooo boy what an intro it was. what i wouldn’t give for a steamy, forbidden romance with best friend’s dad!Steve —sorry, Jenny, but he was just too hot to resist — it’s hot and emotional and basically the stuff that fantasies are made of. loveshotzzz is also the creator of the Foxy Lounge series, featuring flirty bartender Eddie and bad-at-fighting bouncer Steve which is also *chef’s kiss* 

Time to giddy up, yeah? ❤️‍🔥by @loveshotzz — two words: pornstache Steve. Two more words: mustache ride. Two more? You’re welcome. 

As You Wish (series) ❤️‍🔥 by @corroded-hellfire — my all time favorite Eddie series! Ryan and Luke are the most adorable, hilarious kids (i loved their little “scheme” to set their dad up with their babysitter) and the little family that Eddie and his sons form with the reader has just been so delightful to read. (also, for the record, it’s on sight with brittany)

put me through it, baby ❤️‍🔥 by @agentmarvel — PINING EDDIE MY BELOVED! Ugh I loved the slow building of the friendship between Eddie and reader, the angst of him knowing that her boyfriend was trash but not wanting to cross a line, the passion between them. As i wrote when i reblogged it, “Screaming, crying, laughing, smiling, CRYING 😍🥹😭🥵 “ 

take me higher ❤️‍🔥 by @munson-blurbs — i will never get enough Argyle stories, and bug has written some of my favorites. this is one i reread all the time (i’m clearly a sucker for a good babysitter fic) because i love the way Argyle feels so real in it. The flirtation, the banter, those sweet little moments of awkwardness, it’s all truly 10/10. A special runner-up mention goes to this blurb which features best friend! Argyle and hair pulling and is just … just a dream. 

bad idea  ❤️‍🔥 by @abibliophobiaa — if i’ve said it once, i’ve said it a million times: Steve Harrington is a menace. Best friend!Steve gets his hands on the romance novel you’re reading and decides to tease you with all of the flirty things he picked up from it. Steve is at peak menace in this, which means i fell hard and fast. 

this is gonna sting by @lovebugism — this one was written so, so beautifully. Sweet, lovestruck Eddie afraid to open up and confess his feelings always hits me hard and the imagery in this was just so stunning that i think about it a lot. I aspire to write a sentence as beautiful as “he leaks a bright red truth right across from you and carries everything he feels about you in raging scarlet scrapes.”

Steve Harrington Boat Smut ❤️‍🔥 by @lovebugism — God, what a glorious day it was when those pictures of Joe Keery on a boat in Italy made their way online. Anyway, this is exactly what is says on the tin and exactly what we all needed in that moment. 

This story by @pouringmyheartoutforpaper — sweet, sweet lovesick Stevie who is determined that things will be different in this relationship meets reader who has some insecurities about how slow their relationship is progressing. Gorgeous, sweet, fluff that will give you the warm fuzzies. 

The Tune-Up ❤️‍🔥 by @roanniom — Issa, queen of smut! This mechanic Eddie story is so hot that it will have you contemplating whether or not you should mess with a few things on your car, just for an excuse to come visit him in the shop. (Also just read all of her stuff. It’s so, so good.) 

Happy Mother’s Day, Steve Harrington ❤️‍🔥 by @roanniom — STEVE. HARRINGTON. BREEDING. KINK. WILL MAKE BRAIN GO BRRRRRRR. I rest my case. 

The Riddles Three ❤️‍🔥by @blueywrites — You cannot convince me that Eddie “Dungeon Master” “Lord of the Rings nerd” Munson would not try and do a Gollum impression in bed. As a firm believer in goofy, weird bedroom antics, this story is canon and I will hear nothing else about it. 

Smoke and Cherry Pop Rocks ❤️‍🔥 by @somnambulic-thing — want to have your heart broken in the best way possible? HERE YOU GO. A gorgeous, tender, emotional story about regrets and moving on and finding the courage to open up, even if it’s a little too late. 

Classified ❤️‍🔥by @pullhisteeth — considering the slightly absurd premise — putting an ad in the paper to lose your virginity — this was gorgeously grounded and real. Eddie is so lovely and gentle in this and it was just a treat to read. 

monster under the bed ❤️‍🔥by @eddiemunsons-missingnipple — i’m going to be honest: this is monsterfucking. But if that’s something you’re into, you *need* to read this. It will make you go feral.

River Monster! Eddie ❤️‍🔥by @courtingchaos — brb, wandering along the banks of all the rivers near me in an attempt to lure River Monster!Eddie to come out and mate with me. Again, it is monsterfucking, but … come on. It’s so good. (Meg also has some of the best Gator Tillman fics out there. They’re hot and weird and wild in all of the best ways. 

My Goyle Fiend ❤️‍🔥by @bettyfrommars — You want monsters? You go to Betty. Trust me on this. Her gargoyle series was the first that I read from her and I was hooked instantly. She’s written werewolves, vampires and is currently working on a brilliant series where Eddie works at the Nightmare Factory and appears in your dreams as all kinds of different ghosts and ghouls. If things that go bump in the night aren’t your taste, her biker! Eddie and Steve series are also great, as well as her beautiful gigalo!Eddie story. 

I Can See You ❤️‍🔥by @fairyysoup — I don’t know that there are enough words to express how much I loved this story, The not-so-unrequited affection, the building tension, the way Steve and the reader keep coming together over the years, Steve’s big grand gesture at the end … just so beautiful and moving and steamy. I’ve already reread it like 4 times. 

Stranger Things Adjacent  a.k.a. Joseph Quinn characters 

The Hat Shop Girl (Ralph from Timewasters) ❤️‍🔥by @rehfan — Y’all this story is *so* good. It packs so much into this love story — issues of class, grief, sexuality, power dynamics — in a way that just makes their journey so much richer and more interesting. This version of Ralph is perfect, soft and sweet and well-meaning but also the way his confidence builds throughout the story is delightful and the smut between them is so delicious and delightful. 10/10. 

Knight in Shining Armor (Billy Knight) ❤️‍🔥by @rehfan — I’m gonna say it: This is my favorite Billy Knight fanfic of all time. So soft and tender, it handles Billy’s mental health in a way that feels really empathetic and realistic while also letting the audience indulge in the thing everyone really wants: to give sweet Billy all the love in the world. 

This Billy Knight Masterlist ❤️‍🔥by @pollenallergie — I could not pick just one of these amazing Billy fics. pollenallergie is, in my mind, *the* authority on all things Billy Knight and she’s got it all. Her writing is soft and steamy and touching all at the same time and I love it all. 

Worth It (Ralph from Timewasters) by @wheels-of-despair — Do you want to feel *all* of the delightful warm fuzzies as you daydream about the perfect life with sweet Ralph? This is the story for you. Every chapter is delightful and touching and will make you feel *all* of the feelings. I love it so much.