#it isnt fair. she tried her fucking best to make everyone happy only to be put under the MOST scrutiny. she didnt deserve her death

[cure-typhoon]

It's always funny how people blame Karkat Feferi and Sollux for causing Eridan to snap because hfwkrj???? Like damn Sollux and Feferi only tried to not get everyone killed with Eridan's stupid plan to ally with Jack, which lets be honest, it wouldnt have worked and it would potentially give the ubication of everyone else and get them all killed

And Karkat just saw two of his friends get murdered and one get seriously injured, was it a good idea to say that shit to that past version of Eridan? But like what where you expecting from him?? He couldnt even talk to the past version of Feferi because he was so goddamn emotional!

And Eridan knew that he did something that made Karkat so fucking angry to him and he still decided to kill Feferi and Kanaya and he was probably thinking on killing Sollux when he attacked, but he ended up failling on that one.

Like Homestuck is full of shitty things happening to the characters but that doesnt mean they're free of blame when they do shitty things. Like example to be fair:

Karkat my favorite guy in the world, he lived in the hell that is Alternia while being a mutant which made him the little asshole he is, does that mean he is free of blame when he is a jealous brat who tried to control Terezi because he was jealous she was spending time with Dave? No! Feferi was the heir to Alternia who lived under the constant thread of murder and wanted to make the Alternia place, that doesnt mean she isnt condescendant with Sollux and Eridan's feelings or that her ideas for the Empire are really questionable at best.

Like there is a difference between "Oh i wished they had a happy ending :c/I love this character so much/or their environment influenced the way they act now" to "They never did anything wrong with their lifes and the things they did wrong are the faults of someone else"

Obviously the issue is a lot more complicated than this but I don't want to go on this forever lol

[yioh]

hello when i say wen qing never did anything wrong i mean exactly that

[brelione]

Not as Terrible (Rafe Cameron X Routledge!Reader)

Warnings:Not proof read, swearing

Being John.B’s older sister was definitely and adventure.You were only older by a year but that one year age gap did a lot for you.Whether it was arguments or discussions on who would do a dangerous task you could always pull the older sibling card.

Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didnt but it was always worth a shot.But then again being the older sibling and John.B’s only family meant that you had other responsibilities,including messing up anyone that messed with him.

Rafe kissed you gently, a grin on his face. “I love you.”He grinned,hands in your hoodie pocket. “I know.I gotta go soon,JB’s gonna get made at me.”His face fell,pouting. “He shouldnt be your responsibility.”He grumbled,holding you tight.

You simply shrugged, not wanting to go through your life story and how it was now your job to take care of him.He could never understand the situation, he didnt really give a damn about Sarah.He also had a father, a shitty one for sure but he still had a father at least.He couldnt understand being a pogue either.

You guys were completely different in pretty much every way imaginable but ‘opposites attract’ or whatever bullshit. “I know….I’ll see you tomorrow though, right?”You asked,sitting up.He nodded,pulling you into another quick kiss before kissing your forehead lightly.

 “Dont forget to hate me.”You reminded him,opening his window and sliding down the fire escape,feeling his eyes on you as you hopped the fence.He sighed, becoming tired of the little game you guys had to play.

Because Rafe was the direct enemy of your brother and his friends that meant that you were supposed to avoid him entirely.It was just the rules of life.But that being said if you ever came across one of your brothers enemies you had to mess with them.

That included messing with Rafe,randomly showing up and flicking the back of his head,disappearing before he knew it was you.It started as you being an annoying presence to ruin his day,spitting gum onto his windshield or placing fake tickets on his car.

But slowly you started falling in love with him because of course you did.It was fucked up but you couldnt stop it, him eventually falling for you too.Thats when this little game began, sneaking out of your house and over to Rafe’s to cuddle and watch movies together,coming home late at night when John.B and his friends were having a fire.

JJ would pull you onto his lap, asking where you had been.He had a thing for you, claiming that it would be fine if the two of you guys got together because you were only eight months older than him so it wasnt that strange.

The age gap itself wasnt strange, it was the fact that he was your brother’s best friend for the last eight years that made things strange.You were fine with sitting in his lap while he whispered jokes into your ear in attempts to get you to laugh.

Of course it felt a little wrong because you were dating Rafe but you couldnt exactly tell him that without John.B finding out too, instead just letting JJ mess around with you because you knew nothing was going to come from it.

The next day you were decided to go with them to the beach, regretting it when you saw Rafe with Topper and Kelce, sitting in beach chairs with beer bottles in their hands.You saw JJ’s jaw clench, John.B rolling his eyes.

 “Why are they here?This isnt fair.”You brother grumbled, Pope nodding in agreement.The five of you decided to sit in the sand for a while,JJ’s hand on your knee almost like he was trying to protect you from Rafe’s eyes.If only he knew.Rafe kept looking over to you, a blush on his cheeks as he did so.

Eventually they left, leaving you and your brothers friends alone on the beach. “You know, I think im just gonna head back home.I have a headache.”You told them, making your way up the sandy hills before they could question it.As you began your walk down one of the dirt streets to get back to the house a bike pulled up next to you, your boyfriend being the one riding it.

 “Hey pretty girl.”You could practically hear the smile through his helmet.You sighed, stopping your walk to stare at him as he took off his helmet,leaning down to give you a quick kiss. “You coming to my house tonight?”He asked, twisting the fabric of your tshirt.

You shrugged, not sure what your brother was going to be doing. “I dont know if I can, John.B and the others might want me to go get groceries with them or something.”You replied,feeling his grip on you tighten,humming. “I havent messed with them in a while.”He muttered, glad when you smiled. 

“Thats good, I would have beat your ass if you did.”You teased with a roll of your eyes. He chuckled,kissing your forehead. “I would've liked it though.”He admitted.You laughed,smacking his arm lightly. “Shut up.”You grumbled, unaware of JJ watching you guys. 

“Is he bothering you?”JJ asked, coming out from his hiding spot in the trees.Your eyes widened, your stomach tightening.Shit. “Uh...no, everythings fine, JJ.Just go back to the beach.”You told him,hoping you didnt sound too suspicious.His blue eyes fell to your hand, the one that was holding Rafe’s.Fuck. 

“Is something going on that I should know about?”He asked,glaring at Rafe like he was trying to make his head blow up. “No, just go back to the beach.”You told him, a sort of assertive tone to your voice that was reserved for John.B when he wanted to do something dangerous.JJ’s eyebrows furrowed, not used to you speaking to him like this.

He nodded,walking away, sending you a look of disappointment before disappearing into the trees, most likely about to tell John.B what he had just seen.Rafe noticed how uneasy you were,hugging you. “Hey, dont stress about it.He’s got nothing on you, whats he gonna do?Complain that we were having a conversation?”He asked, not really helping.

“So I just saw (Y/N) talking to Rafe.”JJ grabbed a beer from the cooler, all eyes falling on him. “Cameron?”John.B asked, not really believing that you’d ever talk to such a vile human being.JJ nodded,sipping the alcoholic drink.

 “They were all over eachother, it was weird.”He grumbled, a slight jealousy in his voice.Kiara raised her eyebrows, a little mad about the situation. “What do you mean they were all over eachother?”She asked, looking over to Pope.

 “I mean they were holding hands and shit,giggling and he was like,I dont know.Its weird.”He tried his best to explain,realising it didnt sound as serious as it was. “(Y/N) doesnt giggle...she just...she just stares at people.Are you sure it was Rafe?”Pope asked.This was out of character for you.You had joined their conversations before, all of you talking shit about the Cameron family.

You had called Rafe a “Cruel, disgusting bitch.” it didnt make sense that you’d willingly talk to him.Meanwhile you were on the back of Rafe’s bike,arms wrapped around him tight as he pulled into his driveway, trying to figure out the best way to sneak you inside.

You ended up being hidden by him as you guys shuffled up the stairs, nearly getting caught by Ward.Luckily he was too busy on a call, not paying attention at all as Rafe pushed you inside his room, locking the door with a sigh. “What do you wanna watch?”He asked,falling on the bed next to you, grabbing the tv remote.

You shrugged,wrapping an arm around him with your head against his chest. “Doesnt matter.”You replied, watching as he picked a random horror movie,knowing that hed probably end up squealing and holding onto you.Your phone dinged, vibrating against your thigh.

You sighed,picking it up to check what someone could want or why they were trying to talk to you.It was a text from Kie, asking why the hell you were at Rafe Cameron’s house.There was no way in hell she actually knew that, she was probably just guessing.You sat up,taking Rafe with you, his chin on your shoulder and a frown on his face.

You:????

Kie:Your snap map is on.What are you doing with Rafe?

You:Im not with Rafe

Kie:Seriously like are you ok

You:Im fine lol

Kie:But why are you with Rafe?

You sighed,turning to look at the kook king. “What should I tell her?”You asked, unsure what to do.If you told her that you in Rafe were dating then she would obviously tell John.B and that meant that you would be in deep shit and would never hear the end of it.He sighed,kissing your shoulder lightly.

 “I dunno, baby.Tell her whatever you feel comfortable telling her.”That wasnt really helpful.You couldnt exactly lie to her.There was no other reason that you’d be at the Cameron’s mansion if it werent for Rafe.You hated Sarah because Kiara hated Sarah so you couldnt exactly use that excuse either.You were anxious the whole time you typed, praying that she wouldnt tell the others.

You:Can you keep a secret?

Kie:Yeah

You:What would you do if I told you I was dating Rafe?

Kie:You dumb idiot

Kie:Rafe??Really?Out of all people?

Kie:Hoe you could do better

Kie:So like youre cool with him hitting JJ and Pope?

Kie:Shit you need to tell JJ

You sighed,biting the inside of your cheek. “Why do you need to tell JJ?”Rafe asked,curious.You groaned,leaning against him. “He’s got a thing for me.”You explained, hoping you hadnt made him feel insecure.

You:He’s nice to me,ok?Plus he hasnt beat anyone in months and im happy and I just need you to not say anything

You waited for an answer, only seeing a ‘read’ receipt. “Shit.”You sighed, realizing that you had probably made the wrong decision by telling her about your relationship. “What?”He asked, not understanding exactly what had happened. 

“Watch her tell everyone.”You tossed your phone down onto the blanket, laying on top of your boyfriend. “It wouldnt be so bad,would it?”He asked, knowing that you were probably embarrassed to be with him. “I just...you know how they feel about you.”you reminded him, hearing him sigh. 

“I know.”He replied as he rubbed small circles along your stomach. “Im trying to change though.”He muttered, pressing a kiss to your neck.You nodded, understanding. “I know you are but they dont.”You grumbled,your leg resting at his hip as he continued leaving kisses down your neck.

You didnt leave until four in the morning, staying up with him the whole night.Ward and Rose had gone out on a date, leaving the two of you with his house to yourselves.You sat on the kitchen counter,your legs around his waist as you shared a pint of icecream.

 “This is the expensive kind.”You noticed,coming across brownie chunks and bits of chocolate truffle.He smiled, nodding. “Yep, its just kook life I guess.”He replied, not really caring. “This shit is like...ten dollars a pint.”He only laughed, not understanding how you hadnt grown up with the same things he had.

He just couldnt wrap his head around the fact that not everyone was like him.You couldnt exactly blame him, he had been isolated most of his childhood and if he wasnt by himself he was surrounded by kooks. 

“You can go to the grocery store with me next week if you want.We can get all the expensive icecream you want...maybe we can get some for John.B too, you know, to win him over.”He explained his idea.You shrugged, not sure how to feel. 

“You dont even do your own grocery shopping, remember?”You asked, seeing him roll his eyes. “I’ll go grocery shopping for you, baby.We can get cookie dough and mix it into brownie batter.”He continued,scooping another spoonful of icecream.You bit the inside of your cheek, thinking about it.It sounded fun but most grocery stores wouldnt be open at the times you were with Rafe.

“I gotta go, i’ll see you tomorrow though.”You promised,kissing him quickly.He backed away to let you slide off the counter, putting your phone in your pocket. He tugged at your t shirt, bringing you close to him so he could place a kiss on your lips, enjoying the feeling that he knew he wouldnt feel for a day at least.

He knew that the second you left his happiness would leave with you, making his mood a bit dull as he hugged you.“Do you want icecream to go?”He offered.You were quick to shake your head, leaving quick so you could get home.He pouted, wishing you two could be together more often.

You tip toed into the house,turning on your bedroom light only to see The Pogues all sitting in there, staring at the door. “Rafe Cameron?”John.B asked, sitting up on your bed.You sighed, sitting down. 

“Really,Kie?”You asked, looking over to the brunette. “JJ took my phone!”She exclaimed, making your eyes travel to JJ. “Are you serious?”You asked the blonde, noticing him pouting. 

“I thought he should know.”He muttered.Pope just seemed mad. “How long has this been going on?”Your brother asked, glaring at you. “Im not doing this right now.”You shook your head, going to leave the room when he grabbed your wrist.

 “(Y/N).What would dad think?”He asked.You scoffed, unable to believe that he went there. “Dad would want me to be happy, unlike you.He hasnt bothered you guys in months!Cant you see that he’s changed?”You asked,all of them avoiding eye contact.

 “No!People like Rafe Cameron cant change, (Y/N)!Do you think he actually likes you?”John.B asked, regretting it the second it left his lips. “Oh, fuck you!”You exclaimed, leaving the room and slamming the door behind you. 

“What the hell, John.B?”Kiara shouted, angry with her friend. “I didnt mean it like that!Lets give her a minute to cool off.”John.B grumbled, feeling JJ and Pope glaring at him.

 “What the fuck is wrong with you?”Pope asked, just as angry as JJ.John.B just sat, listening to their cursing and anger. “I didnt mean it!”John.B shouted eventually, tired of their yelling.JJ shook his head, going to find you.

You werent in the bathroom or living room, leading him to think that maybe you had left until he looked out the kitchen window.He saw you in the hammock, leaving the house with a slam of the screen door and going to lay down next to you. 

“What do you want?”You asked, not looking at the blonde. “Does he really make you happy?”JJ asked,waiting patiently for your answer.You nodded, turning to look at him. “Very much, yeah.”You answered,seeing a grin on his face. 

“So then why does it matter what we think?I mean, im definitely the better choice here but if he makes you happy then go for it.”He chuckled, looking over to the house. “John.B is mad.”You muttered, wrapping your arms around JJ’s torso as the sun began to come up.

 “He’s always mad, doesnt matter.If he can hook up with girls all the time I dont see why you cant have a healthy, loving relationship.It seems dumb to me.”He shrugged.You laughed quietly, not understanding when JJ became a life coach. 

“Yeah, I agree.I just dont want him to be mad at me, you know?Its not like if he’s mad at you, you can just leave the house but I cant.Im stuck with that bitch all the time.”You ranted, earning a small laugh from him. 

“Yeah, true.I think you should just live your life how you want to live it.If you want to be with Rafe then be with Rafe.Personally im not a fan of him but that doesnt mean I can just control your relationships.I mean, youre right.He hasnt really bothered us in months and I havent seen him around The Cut looking for trouble so maybe he has changed.As long as its healthy and everything is consensual.Everything is consensual,right?”He asked, looking down at you.

You hadnt really seen this side of JJ before, usually only seeing his flirty and joking side. “Of course.”You replied, flicking his stomach. “Right, so thats good.If John.B’s mad then that sucks but there’s nothing you can do about it.”He sighed, staring up at the sky through the tree branches. 

“Are you mad?”You asked, curious for his answer.He bit his lip, thinking about it. “No, not really.I just cant believe you like him of all people.”He chuckled, feeling you flick his head. “I didnt like him at first, it kinda just happened.”You replied.JJ nodded, not saying anything else.

You fell asleep in the hammock next to JJ,waking up at noon.There was a note on the kitchen table saying that they had all decided to go out on the boat for the day and that there was pepsi and yogurt in the fridge.You could tell by the handwriting that Pope had written it, everyone else had probably forgot about you.

At eight the next night things werent as tense as they had been before.John.B had even driven you to Rafe’s house, ranting about safe sex and telling you to give Rafe a slice of ‘humble pie’.You rolled your eyes,getting out of the van and telling him to fuck off before walking up to Rafe’s front door, knocking lightly.

He told you that you didnt have to climb through his window anymore.Since you had to tell the pogues about your relationship he had decided to tell his family about it as well which meant he didnt have to hide you anymore.

John.B watched from the van as Rafe embraced you in a hug, smile on his face as he kissed your forehead.He had never seen Rafe look like that, the only smile he’d ever seen on Rafe Cameron was the kind that belonged to an angry sociopath.

But now he kind of just looked like a squishy, smiling gremlin.You and Rafe stood in the doorway for a moment, talking about how things had gone with John.B.Rafe had noticed the van sitll in the driveway, sending a quick and awkward brave towards your brother.A grin came across John.B’s face as he backed out of the driveway.Maybe you dating the Kook King wasnt as terrible as he thought.

@sexytholland​ @28cnn​  @popcrone818​ @fttayla​ @cherryobx​ @n1ghtsh4d3-67​ @drewstarkeyobx​ @poguestyleskye​ @judayyyw​ @jjtheangel​ @jj-iz-bae​

@sunwardsss @meaganjm​  @sarcasticsagittarius1998​ @natalie-kate-98​ @nxsmss​ @broken-jj​ @joshy-obx​ @prejudic3​ @outerbongs​  @copper-boom​  @httpstarkey​ @teenwaywardasgardian @drewswannabegirl​  @simonsbluee   @jiaraendgame  @khiaraaa-in-spacee​  @on-socks-off​  @abbiesthings​ @kindahavefeelingskindaheartless

[companionship]

okay one big post to get the finale out of my system! it's been lovely reading all of your analyses and reactions, and looking at all your amazing gifs and edits :')

fair warning: this is going to be so stinking long omfg

the things i enjoyed:

vincenzo remaining an anti-hero through and through, especially the fact that he didn't hold back at all when it came to myunghee and hanseok's death. he gave them a taste of their own medicine and then some forreal, their deaths were brutal but oddly satisfying, and i'm saying this as someone who usually hates violence/gore. throughout the show, they've always hinted at what he was Truly Capable Of and boy did we get to see it

vincenzo fumbling in hanseok's house and not being his usual self – a lot of people thought it was ooc, which i understand! i felt like that was the Point, to show that for once, he's not the invincible mafia consigliere that everyone thinks he is. what he did to the man who killed his mother and the army of security guards was a reaction, but this is the first time he's flustered, caught at a disadvantage, and faced with the very real possibility that he might lose somebody incredibly important to him. idk it made him more human to me

vincenzo literally not hesitating for even 0.1 seconds to fold his entire body around hers when he thought hanseok was going to shoot again – yeah that whole bit made my heart clench i feel like a crazy person i won't get over it

the chayenzo hospital scene... my god it was so tender my heart broke. the laugh they both shared, out of sheer relief that she's okay. the little joke about paying for the private room. the way not much was being said, but everything was being said at once. the way they looked at each other, as if it wouldnt ever be enough :( the quiet acceptance that this is their last night together, and that he's going to have to kill a bunch of people after this, but for now they have this. for however brief.

chayoung being chayoung – her big ass personality at the courtroom at the end after winning ms oh's case. her hopping around in those heels, looking elegant and sleek, mocking the hell out of rich conglomorates. she's in her element again and it made me so, so happy to see. i absolutely adore her, she's everything really. after all that loss and the whole ordeal, i'm glad she's able to return to what she does best: putting capitalists back in their place

mr lee being Very Much Not Dead – idk how i wouldve been able to handle it after witnessing hanseo's death like im glad he got the chance to be a dad

the kiss – my god....

the things i didn't like:

hanseo's death – lmao is it even a surprise... say what you will about his death being foreshadowed, but i really just hated hated it. i hate that hanseok won this one. i hate that hanseo worked so hard to redeem himself, only to lose it all. i hate that he was given a taste of what a real family was like, and then having it taken away so cruelly. even though i said above that i didn't mind that vincenzo was ooc at the mansion, i was still screaming at the screen because there were plenty of opportunities for the situation to be reversed. i don't necessarily blame vincenzo for hanseo's death, but i do wish that they had a funeral scene for him. i wish they acknowledged his sacrifice, and how pivotal he was in turning the tables. if not for hanseo, vincenzo really couldn't have pulled any of this off, from the interpol tipoff to the tracking device in the watch. idc idc hanseo is in malta rn, enjoying the sun and the beach, going to therapy, and teaching the local kids how to play hockey even though there's no ice :(

chayoung being bedridden the whole finale – like... NAH lmao this aint it chief... if things went my way, she wouldve gotten out of the hospital depite her injury and dealt with myunghee before handing her off to vincenzo. i loved their animosity for each other, and i wanted chayoung to be the one at myunghee's apartment waiting for her, rubbing it into her face. i wanted chayoung to verbally finish myunghee with that sharp ass tongue of hers and really dump a load of salt on her wounds. then vincenzo could do whatever the hell he wanted. you could argue that the show is called Vincenzo but i really dont care lmao it started with chayoung avenging her dad and she should've been able to strike the final blow. also what was her big second party? are we really just going to ignore her capacity for evil? after all that moral work done, after that time she spent coming to terms with using evil to combat evil, we're just going to... keep her bedridden? park jaebum u will pay for this

vincenzo losing his family – besides hanseo's death, i think this was what i hated the most from the ending. the start of the show showed us vincenzo's departure from the mafia with the very clear intention of Not Returning. the capo died, his loyalties lie with no one, paolo can suck it. throughout the show, we see him repeat over and over that he wants to get the gold and skip off to malta to enjoy a peaceful life there, while reflecting/repenting for the things he's done. vincenzo was gearing up for a lifetime of solitude. the whole point of the show was for him to find a real family and have a real chance at happiness. park jaebum really said FUCK THAT! we're gonna have him ditch the family that he built from scratch with the love of his life and then make him return to the family that tried to kill him AND make him the capo... pjb said we're gonna separate vincenzo from the family that accepts his past and sees it as a strength and not a weakness. the family that was formed out of solidarity, the family that he fought for and fought alongside with blood, sweat and tears. not to mention the goddaughter of his? sorry i would laugh if it didn't actually rile me up so bad

vincenzo not being able to come back to korea – i've said this in another post of mine, but given that he is The Vincenzo Cassano with all those resources at his disposal (guillotine file, mr ahn/mr cho/the chief etc.), the fact that he isnt even able to stay in korea for 30 fuckin minutes after finishing hanseok was ridiculous. the whole police chase was dumb as hell considering that the show has managed to stop politicians and mf presidential candidates from going after him like ? huh LMAO park jaebum had an on-demand pigeon army in this show and Yet he can't stop like 10 suddenly-righteous policemen. another big ass HUH

chayenzo (here we go...):

NOPE! i've reflected on the ending and decided that i'm going to be petty and salty for a while more before coming to terms with it

i can rationalise and try to be positive and tell myself that their love is enduring can transcend space and time and that in due time, they will find their way back to each other, and i have no doubt that they will because they're one soul in two bodies. it's quite literally canon that they're soulmates.

but let me wallow for a second

here we have two people who have done questionable and terrible things in their past coming together, growing together, grieving together, fighting together... you get the gist of it. you have two people who have found a home in each other. two people who, for all intents and purposes, were about to live in a whole lot of bitterness and solitude if not for each other and the life they built together (chayoung didn't have friends like that, and her family is gone too). to separate them like that at the very end is cruel. i know chayoung and vincenzo are mature and incredible and will be able to function without the other next to them. i know that they will still excel as lawyers and will defeat evil with their underhand methods the way they do so well but my god are they going to feel the absence and miss each other

my point is that they shouldn't have to. from what i could tell, they can't even communicate on a regular basis bc he'll be tracked and whatnot, hence the postcards. a postcard every month is a poor substitute for all those nights they stayed up drinking makgeolli and celebrating their wins. its a shitty replacement for coffee dates and fist bumps and all the moments in between. after everything they've been through, after literally fighting to death for their family, they don't deserve this. they don't deserve to meet up once a year for a couple of hours. they don't deserve pockets of time in malta or korea, their life in a perpetual countdown to when they're going to see each other next

they both deserve love and some semblance of peace (finally finally). they both deserve to have someone to come home to after a hard day of work, because doing what they do cannot be easy. they both deserve a family, deserve to have someone next to them that accepts their past and would embrace their future. they both deserve a hand to hold and a shoulder to lean on. i know they will still be It for each other despite the distance, i just wish the distance didn't even exist in the first place bc its stupid and cruel and their love shouldnt have to be proven or tested with time and space. let them stay together. let them grow together. let them be.

side note: song joongki and jeon yeobeen need another project together idc take it up with god

tl;dr: park jaebum u will be paying for my therapy bills

[thisdreamplace]

Im sad nd m feeling hopeless byond woeds. i feel directionless , alone nd..... very upset about everything in my life

Like yesterday i tried to talk to my mum abt somethng that was bothering me nd instead, she gets so much madder like she has high bp and her bp went up from yelling the crud outa me, like the only explanation other than eiyoo is she got defensive nd felt i was being ungrateful, i mean everyone else in the family stays silent and dont step forward i feel abandoned sometimes like maybe they're secretly glad shes not mad at them? Im sick of feeling this way. Idk if u know this feeling? Im not talking abt her my mum but i mean abt life in general? One real reason my mum is harsh is cuz im not doing well in life, like im not going places i want to (not literal places like metaphoricaly) bcuz of fear and social anxiety that no one ariynd me has a teeny idea of what its like. So im aware that she wants the best for me cuz i understand the everyone is u cincepf a bit. Even then its been years of same things nd issues repeating with me. For example m feeling like im gonna crack one day and when i break forever i don't even want to pick up my pieces!

Im so happy to hear ur doing wonderfully. Nd a part of me felt angry at it for a short while lol honestly like how come things are effortlesly going for u as u say, why cant i how can i experience it too, even tho my inner place is a nightmare place 😆 not a dreamplace like urs. I actually lov ur blog nd you lol dont mind me im just throwing out my thoughts, nd I fully understand how things weren't easy for u in the beginning nd everything u say on ur blog. Wish i could be brave nd not in my mind only

💀 nightmare place

i feel sad that you feel so down because life seems like its against you and you're feeling hopeless. its truly the worst to be in that sort of mindset, and i truly know you can find your way out of it. i'm glad you felt safe throwing out your thoughts here.

the truth of the matter is... the law can be difficult in the way that you really have to be willing to take responsibility for yourself. you really have to be willing to stop feeling sorry for yourself. you really have to be the one to pick yourself up and say, "enough is enough, i cant live like this anymore — i have to do better for myself." the truth is you have to want it more than you want to stay in your comfort zone. because if you dont, your comfort zone will always be waiting to invite you back in. and you will always answer the call. i would know, i lived like that most of my life. because the old way of life is comforting, its what youve always known so it makes more sense to you. you rationalize it, "this is the way things have always been." well guess what. it doesnt have to be that way. but i cant make you change your mind. only you can take that leap of faith.

you have to be willing to change before anyone and anything else does. no more waiting for life to treat you better so that you can finally feel good, you have to feel better with or without the help of the 3D.

when you say it made you angry to see how i'm doing well, i understand. i used to be similar. success stories were bittersweet. i felt happy for the person, but upset that i couldnt relate. why was everyone else able to make the law work in weeks and yet it had been months for me, and things just didnt seem to work ? why me ? that's the way i used to think.

well one day you'll look back at this type of moment and it'll all make sense. you seriously cannot keep being the same person, thinking the same thoughts and same feelings you have for years, thinking you'll get a new result. it's the opposite of what the law teaches us to be true. you've got to change and i mean really change. you must let the old story die and let the new story become your life, entirely.

you can brush off my struggle easily, but realize this. everyday i wake up and make the conscious decision to wake up and have a beautiful experience. a month ago i literally hit rock bottom; everything in the 3D i cared about so much seemed to fall apart. and i had to face that and still find the strength to say, "you know what, fuck this — i can't keep living this way." without the help of the 3D i had to pick myself up everyday, even when i felt like crumbling. i had more than my fair share of crying all day, of feeling like my heart would literally come out because of how hard i cried. considering that maybe life isnt for me after all, and perhaps i would be better off ending it there. i didnt have anything in the external world to give me hope. i had to find hope within myself. i had to look at a world that made me feel so ugly and decide its actually a beautiful world, despite the illusion. i had to take the law seriously, i had to surrender to the teachings, i had to make the art of imagining a daily practice because i decided i deserve better. and only i can give that to myself. the world cannot provide me with anything i refuse to provide myself with — this is the basics of the law. and through persistence, through not giving up on myself on the hard days, i am now singing a much more beautiful song.

when you fully accept that 1) imagining creates reality and 2) you are the only cause for all you experience... it becomes difficult to not take this more seriously. because you know how whatever you are/have within, is your experience. but you have to surrender to those truths, its up to you. i'd recommend listening to the podcast 'feeling twisty' if you're interested in what i'm saying here. mike is really the one who's explanation of the law helped me learn the importance of taking responsibility for my inner world.

im rooting for you sweet, dream place. behind the illusion of the nightmare, a dream awaits. 💖

[merlinssaggyyfronts]

BBC Merlin Rewatch:

01x01: The Dragon’s Call

—

FIRSTLY THE FUCKING DESCRIPTION LMAO “Merlin, a young country boy” COUNTRY BOY AHAHDHSNDH IF ONLY YOU KNEW!!! ITS LIKE SETTING SOMEONE UP FOR DISASTER BUT THEN AGAIN THEY WERE SO LIKE I MEAN-

aw look at merlin all happy and smily, walking into camelot like he isnt going to witness the death of his best friend/king and basically everyone he loves

LOOK AT HIM HES SO HAPPY!!! HE DOESNT KNOW YET

“like everyone, he must live and learn” yo shut ur bitchass up lizard man u literally tried to murder everyone in camelot that one time

“his name: traumatised 😍😍”

AH YES THE OPENING!!1!1!-!-! AHHH THE AMOUNT OF HAPPINESS I FEEL HEARING THE OPENING

fuck ur bitchass uther no one likes u

“i pride myself as a fair and just king” sir didnt u like basically kill ur wife... and thousands of peo- OH MY GOD MORGANA BB ILY

oh jesus okay hes dead um chile-

“when i came to this land” wait i thought he was raised kn camelot brb i forgot im an idiot wait,,, does this mean before this it was the du bois family on the throne of camelot?? also, mired in chaos? u mean like.... before ur wife died and everyone was living peacefully? ....okay

“merlin, seeing a person who's been stated had been studying magic get beheaded: [a magical being himself] ah,, welcoming.” -my gf

“since the great dragon was captured” ....so did no one think about where they put a dragon?? a captured one at that. ud think he’d be more smart but nah he just left a random ass dragon under his castle like THAT is going to end well

YUHH MARY COLLJNS HATE HIM!!! YELL BABEY YELL!!! “you took my son!” YES MURDER HIM OMG I CAN FEEL HER PAIN

“a son for a son!” omg why couldnt u have killed uther bb ur the perfect villain i love u ur literally just a loving mother i-

OOOOO GAIUS

.....why is there a bunny mask in there

why is thERE A BUNNY MASK-

why didnt merlins eyes glow when he dragged the bed to gaius to save him

also whats this slomo magic why didnt he do this after this why did season one haveso much magic and like every other season was just everyone throwing it back

like i get instinctual magic but like.... if its instinctual wouldnt it happen more especially when his powers get stronger-

gaius: what did you just do?!

also gaius, five seconds later: i know what it was!! i just wanted to know where you learned it

merlin: 😐

merlin, about his magic: i was born like this

gaius, who knows full well warlocks exist: impossible!

(are warlocks naturally born knowing how to use magic without learning? i mean if u have to learn magic like a sorcerer then whats the difference between a warlock and a sorcerer cuz wouldnt sorcerers atleast have to have some magic in them to actually cast spells? am i dumb or do i just not get it)

wait so merlin arrived in camelot on a wednesday

merlin, walking into camelot: it is wednesday my dudes

merlin: [witnesses an execution] aaaAAAAAA-

“someone that might help him find a purpose of his gifts” oh honey he’ll get something mUCH LARGER THAN THAT-

—

oH MORGANA

SHUT UR BITCHASS UTHER SHE WILL KILL YOU-

“the more brutal you are, the more enemies you’ll create” oh the waY SHE PREDICTED THEIR FUTURE OO

ah bless u lady helen/mary collins we love them spicy villains

...why do you have a dressing table in a tent

[watches mary collins murder lady helen] i never snitch on dadd- ...someone pls delete me

merlin, about his instinctual magic: i just do it!

gaius: ...lord have mercy what did i just sign myself up to

what ever happened to sir olwen did he die from accidentally overdosing

—

oHHH THERE HE IS THERE HE IS THERES MY BOY!!! MY LIL PRAT MAN!!!!

merlin looks so offended, oh god i could watch this whole scene for HOURS

oooOOOO YES MERLIN FUCK HIM UP!!! SHOW HIM WHOS BOSS

“do i know you?” “im merlin” “so i dont know you” ugh theres already sexual tension

“i would never have a friend who could be such an ass” “or i one so stupid”

also them, ten years later: “i use my magic for you arthur, only you” “just hold me” “i cant lose him! hes my friend!” “thank you..”

“tell me merlin, do you know how to walk on your knees?” OOOOH THE BOYS ARE FLIRTING

NOT THE “would you like me to help you?” SIR YOU ARE FLIRTING SO INTENSELY AND DONT EVEN REALISE IT SIR DO YOU KNOW YOURE FALLING IN LOVE

im convinced atleast half the knights with arthur were like “ayo thas kinda sus bro 😳😳 ayo 😳😳”

arthur: tell me merlin, do you know how to walk on your knees? would you like me to help you?

merlin: ....i really dont know how to answer that

imagine being paid to throw fruits at colin morgan omg id be so thrilled

OOOH HERE COMES OUR QUEEN GWEN!!! MY LOVE MY EVERYTHING YES ILY

gwen: well, arthur looks like one of those, save the world kinda men... and you dont

merlin, 1500 years later, having failed his destiny: well i mean you’re not wrong

—

gaius: uther banned magic a long time ago

merlin, flabbergasted as if he wasnt raised on tales of the death of his kind every day in the kingdom right next to his: why?!?!?

gaius: the dragon is imprisoned where nobody can free him

merlin:

(that is the face of someone knowing full well hes going to free that dragon. look at him. he’s already made up his mind.)

—

[sees merlin and arthur in the marketplace] oh heres he is again heres the lil bitxh ooo theyre about to FIGHT

god hes flirting so hard without even realising it, oh my god

“i could take you apart with one blow” “i could take you apart with less” um sirs this is a mcdonalds drive thru 😃

arthur: ahah, you’re in trouble now~ 😏😏

i had to pause cuz wHAT THE HELL WHY DOES HE SOUND LIKE THAT-

—

....yall are yelling very loudly, um, arent there guards near yall? people passing by? please relax

“im just a nobody, and i always will be” OH IF ONLY YOU KNEWWW

“if i cant use magic, i might as well die” ....well, ive got a surprise for you-

“maybe theres someone with more magic than me?” like... a whole dragon? i mean if you say so 👀

merlin about why he was born like this: if you cant tell me, no one can!

a fucking dragon, basically every magical creature and the druids: WELL-

the camelot guards are so stupid how the hell is this kingdom still standing

how does kilgharrah know merlins name? in prophecy hes known as emrys (and we see basically every magical being call him emrys and not merlin,, i think). so how does he know? did he stretch his neck long enough that he could somehow hear merlin? is it cuz theyre kin? is it cuz merlin and gaius were yelling so loudly that kilgharrah could hear them all the way in his cave? ig we’ll never know 🖐

merlin: where are you?!

kilgharrah:

kilgharrah: without you, arthur will never succeed.

merlin: ....oh look, im already paranoid

the amount of sadness i feel hearing kilgharrah say “none of us can choose our destiny, merlin. and none of us can escape it” is INSANE cuz in season one you can SEE merlin trying to escape it. hes doing his damned best trying to have some control over his life. and then in later seasons you can see the light slowly drain from his eyes as he becomes just another toy for the gods to be entertained by. he realises he cant control a single thing about his life so he does the one thing he can: protect arthur. and he loses SO MUCH because of it! its not fair, he deserved so much, and when he finally got everything he could ever ask for, it was taken away from him by his own mistakes.

arthur, seeing morgana in a beautiful dress: god have mercy 😍

uther: .....um

the way they set arthur and morgana up as if they arent gonna make them siblings i- what the fawk 😄

person A, who knows arthurian lore: oh no! arthur is going to have an affair with morgan(a) and have mordred! oh no!!

person B, whos seen merlin: oh no in this show its worse

person B, knowing full well theyre siblings: much worse....

gwen: who’d wanna marry arthur? 🙄

-

gwen, getting crowned queen of camelot: well fuck

hhhnghnh yes queen sing them to sleep yes murder his bitchass (and fail but like its the thought that counts)

on a sidenote tho this is such a fun way to murder someone, id try this

the absolutely OFFENDED “FATHER!” and the horrified look in arthurs eyss when uther announced merlin would be his manservant is PRICELESS OMG

oh the way uther unintentionally plants the first seed of his sons love story omg 😍😍

Conclusion: this episode is a 10/10 greatest episode with so many iconic scenes omg. mary collins u will forever have my heart for unintentionally kickstarting merlin and arthurs relationship destiny. i loved the whole thing and oh GOD does it already hurt knowing full well how the show ends

[cassyapper]

OKAY IVE ACTUALLY PLAYED TWO SESSIONS SINCE MY LAST POST SO IM GONNA COMBINE THEM HERE SORRY FOR THE LENGTH BUT,,IVE COME SO FAR I DONT WANNA STOP NOW

this is gonna be very messy cause i WILL be jumping back and forth as things come back to mind so uhh pls enjoy this absolute ramble <3

anyway. i continued playing omori and boy do i have some Thoughts

so first session; i went through the pyre(something i forgot the full name sob) forest/sprout mole village/sweetheart’s castle in one go and let me TELL YOU. DOING THAT WAS FUCKING INSANE I WENT NUTS holy shit.

so anyway.

pyre forest!!!! the lil race against the big spider coming after u for disturbing the smaller spiders mechanic was very fun i had a lot of fun figuring out the best routes to take. i know normally mechanics like that lead to ppl getting frustrated cause u have to keep retrying but i had a lot of fun!!!! sum annoyance but good natured type, th kind that just makes u try harder u know? i just enjoyed it JKFN;FN; candles in the foggy forest....now That is an aesthetic

the rare bear scared the fuckin shit out of me i remember it didn’t attack me straight away so i was like “aw (:” but then when i press x on him it takes me to a BATTLE SCREEN AND SUDDEN THAT MF IS TERRIFYING I WAS LIKE WHWHWHWHWKJDNJ. very funny i honestly wished i recorded my reaction

also omori is afraid of drowning...................................i am breathing heavily. i think whatever happened to mari is related to at least one of the things omori is scared of. so either heights, spiders, or drowning it seems. spiders doesnt seem super likely as a contributor to her death, and while falling from a height is more realistic, such a senseless way of dying doesnt seem to rlly fit ? with the vibe i get from the kiddos in the real world. which makes me think maybe drowning/otherwise suffocating is how she died...but we’ll see. also due to the forgotten library part, we know omori explicitly feared spiders/drowning before mari died so it’s also probable im jus talking out my ass here but still,,,,thoughts

also this motherfucker?

literally fucking terrifying. IT’S BODY IS MADE OF SUCC’D SPROUT MOLES...i still have no idea what exactly it was doing to them but jesus h christ!!!! evil and fucked up. do not feel bad for curbstomping it

sprout mole village!!!! very cute, im v excited to send that one dude his brother’s care package. i like how, when theyre not lost, sprout moles can be real endearing lil guys,,,theyre not my fav lil enemies but (:

also for some reason omori is the first game ive played where i really care about getting achievements ? so i literally did the back and forth on my save file just to get all the season sprout mole achievements JKDJFJ;. i ended up sticking w spring tho before moving on for real cause spring is my fav season irl (:

also i felt SO BAD for cutting down that one sprout mole’s chistmas tree he was just trying to celebrate but i wanted to see that present and coincidentally becoming a christmas ruiner was an achievement so all’s fair in love and war i suppose

ALSO. th fuckin plant monster thing under the scientist sprout mole’s room. major little shop of horror vibes from the design, absolutely adored it!!!!! originally i did  just cut the wire holding the piano over it, ending it in one go, but i was very curious abt it so i reloaded a save file to actually fight it and

i know it only spread that gas to make the kiddos happy cause being happy reduces attack i think ? it decreases attack/defense but seeing the kiddos smile so much was nice (:

however

omori...sunny....son boy.........u good ?

and now. sweetheart

the way the sprout moles completely adore and depend on sweetheart gives me such awful evil vibes and combined with such a luxurious background was fucking incredible

sweetheart herself, speaking of. bitch (sorta affectionately, certainly not derogatory)

i talked to every sprout mole in the audience before taking my seat and i literally dont know why. even when i picked up the pattern of where the unique dialogue could be found (usually the sprout moles farthest right) i still talked to all of them......just in case ? i have no idea. i dont know why i did that. i feel it’s important that i note it tho

LMAO SO WHEN SPROUT MOLE MIKE DID THE MINUTE OF SILENCE FOR YE OLD SPROUT MOLE

I LITERALLY FELT SO FUCKING BAD LMAO I WAS LIKE OH MY GOD NO!!!!!! I DID THAT!!! I KILLED HIM!!! OH MY GOD!!! I WONDER HOW AWKWARD OMORI KEL HERO AND AUBREY FELT IN THE AUDIENCE HOLY SHIT THEY HAD FRONT ROW SEATS TO SPROUT MOLE MIKE’S MOURNING!!! MY GOD FJKFN;;

also sprout mole mike describing 3′7″ inches as ”towering” was the FUNNIEST shit i have ever seen. also i have to wonder, since sweetheart made up the whole show of sweetheart’s quest for hearts in the first place, if she was seriously down to marry a sprout mole if one suited her fancy. jus v funny to me honestly. SPEAKING of sweetheart’s dating patterns I NOTICED THOSE FEM SKELETONS IN THE DUNGEON!!!!! BI SWEETHEART!!!! SHE’S JUST AS DOWN FOR GIRLS AS SHE IS BOYS

i know TECHNICALLY not everyone is in the dungeon for failing to be a good enough suitor but STILL...COME ON. THIS WAS BEFORE WE KNEW THAT. SWEETHEART BI I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL

anyway

when the lights when out and lightning struck the third contestant, i knew Immediately something was gonna go down. and when the mustache sprout mole was like “oh yes!! u!! in the striped pjs!! u absolute beast ur perfect!!!” i KNEW hero had just been selected as the replacement i was goign completely fucking nuts i was like OH MY GODNFNG; HIS HEART IS ALREADY TAKEN BY MARI!!!!!!! STOP

i ended up taking so many screenshots during this part cause i was going feral so here take a glance just cause i love, uh, hero

OUR HERO IN SHINING ARMOR DJLBH;KFJB

also GOD FUCKING DAMMIT IM SHORTER THAN HERO

hero shaking on the stage when he was introduced...oh my HEART....IM SO FOND FOR THIS BOY WTF!!!!! DKJDN;N

this is not really NEWS to me since it’s implied hero is tall but like come ON..... sorry just every time i find out a character is explicitly taller than me i need to huff about it, moving on,

HERO FUCKS

sorry i just have so many screenshorts during this aprt cause i was going fucking crazy but

literally terrifying! sweetheart bathes in that shit!! christ!

is blood good for ur skin? i imagine, so long as like...gore isnt in it and it’s solely blood it cant be BAD necessarily......but good ? regardless very fucked up. besides the fact that well, uh, BLOOD, blood is also sticky as hell. ur telling me sweetheart willinglhy bathed in that shit? disgusting. at least thin it out

anyway I HAD SO MUCH FUN DOING THE PUZZLES AT SWEETHEART’S CASTLE....FROM THE DUNGEONS TO THE KITCHENS TO THE BALLROOM TO THE LIBRARY TO THE GARDENS JUST EVERYTHING!!!! IT WAS SO FUN I ENJOYED FIGURING IT OUT SO MUCH IT WAS LITERALLY DELIGHTFUL...I LOVE THIS GAME SO MUCH THE GAMEPLAY IS SO FUCKING EPIC I LITERALLY HAVE SO MUJCH FUN.......OH MY GOD I JUST. INCREIDBLE!!!! FUCK

also the lil sir maximus bit.........i honestly felt really awful over having to kill them ): i think i even tried running once but it wouldnt let me...it hurt man ): they were just a family....

um but anyway,

i think it was rlly sweet how aubrey protested to the wedding cause she was worried abt sweetheart,,,like i cant rlly explain it idk how to put it into words,,like sweetheart is clearly not mentally well and having an episode, and aubrey being the only one to say “hey what ur doing is self-destructive and isolating” just mmmh. she cares a lot,,,and *i* care aubrey

also sweetheart’s battle theme fucking SLAPPED...SO GODDAMN HARD IM STILL QUAKING OVER IT....FUCKING BANGER YO!!!!!! INCREDIBLE

ah but alas

BASIL........I NOTICED THAT IT WAS HIS GHOST/SHADOW DURING THE EXIT FROM OTHERWORLD AS WELL BUT JUST FUCK

im so worried about basil ):

and it being so obvious that none of the others can see...........them asking omori if he’s okay.....oh my god. i go nuts

and then...the forgotten library part

i literally cried, again, oh my fucking god

these kids loved each other so much they ADORED the time they spent with each other and im QUAKING to know WHAT HAPPENED TO MARI......HOW DID THE FALLOUT GO. I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW

i know there are multiple endings to this game and on god i am not QUITTING until i get the happiest ending there is for these kids im literally a goddamn fuckign mess oh my god

MARI SHWOING UP IN THE LIBRARY AT ONE POINT AND LEADING OMORI...........IM LTIERALLY GOIGN INSANE OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD HE LOVED HIS SISTER SO MUCH HE’S SO CLEARLY LOST WITHOUT HER I CANT FUCKING DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW

GOD

okay sorry i just. ive said ti before but the grief in this game is so real and palpable and it aches, it aches so bad. also the white egret orchids in the library...i see u

but regardless.... session two real world electric boogaloo

LOVE that kel is like “so i need to run errands but u wanna come with me right? of course u do!” like fuck i rlly do. kel is just so delightful i would literally do anything to spend time with him

ALSO i noticed u can just refuse to open the door both times kel’s knocked now and it makes me wonder....if u could choose to ignore kel ? and then venture out urself or just ? i wonder what would even happen if u chose to not open the door. im CERTAINLY not doing it myself at the very least not this playthrough but i am curious...i bet that’s how u get a bad ending, by not talking w kel

but anyway....

aubrey and her gang not saying anything in the pizza parlor........i jus think abt that is all

ALSO!! pet rocks!!!!!!!!! LOVE this lil thing it’s so cute. jus rock paper scissors it babey

speaking of lil bits, love all the mini quests in the real world...it’s just rlly fun and builds up this cute lil town........it also makes me think that whatever happened to mari cant have been anything except an accident, bc no one comments on what a tragedy it was to omori. like if it was murder, there’s no way such a horrific situation wouldnt engulf the town for a bit and sweep over it for weeks at least, but that just doesnt seem to have happened. this is def me reading too into it tho;; point is neighbors nice (: also i got the seashell necklace and i go apeshit

ALSO......THE FUCKING...........CHURCH. I VISITED WITH KEL ON A COMPLETE WHIM CAUSE I WAS CURIOUS IF THE PASTOR WOULD TALK MORE ABT AUBREY BUT NO. INSTEAD HE TALKS ABT THE WEIRD VIBE FORM THE GRAVEYARD HE’S GETTING!!! AND THE DUDE WHO CHILLS IN THE GRAVEYARD SAYS SHIT ABT THE SPIRITS GETTING READY FOR SOMEONE TO JOIN THEM!!!! BITCH WAHT THE FUCK

THERE’S NOF UCKING WAY THIS ISNT ABOUT BASIL. THERE IS NO!!! WAY!!!! I SWEAR ON GOD IF BASIL DIES I WILL LOSE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ESP CAUSE THERE IS LITERALLY NO OTHER WAY HE COULD DIE EXCEPT SUICIDE THAT’S WHAT IT HAS BEEN IMPLYING OVER AND OVER I GO NUTS I GO APESHIT NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK

OKAY SORRY I JUST. HHHHHHHHHHH

baby has acquired baby

kel’s family is rlly cute,,,,v heartwarming. i trust them

i do worry abt like...the stark difference between recognizing kel’s accomplishments and hero’s...i just idk. i just keep thinking abt that bit in kel’s story abt hero’s depression when his parents focused on hero and ignored him, and i just. kel’s family is good People but i worry if kel has a good support system...i jus........): i am watching

ahh THE BASIL MISSING PART MADE MY HEART LITERALLY FUCKING DROP..I WAS SO FUCKING PANICKED I WAS LIKE OH MY GOD THIS IS IT BASIL IS DEAD

THANKFULLY HE WASNT BUT HOLY GOD HOW THAT WHOLE SITUATION PANNED OUT MADE ME GO NUTS!!!!!!! BASIL...AUBREY...HER GANG.......FUCK OH M YOGD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

THANK G O D I SNOOPED AROUND KEL’S HOUSE BEFORE LEAVING I WOULD HAVE H A T E D TO FIGHT THEM ALL AT ONCE IM GLAD I WAS ABLE TO JUST PEPPER SPRAY THEM JESUS CHRIST

oh my god kim like asking for aubrey all concerned before deciding to trust her and leaving.....kim i diagnose u with lesbain

the whole fucking. basil almost drowning scene. i seriously feel like ive changed like as a person over it. i am thinking . i am thinking. i am only evee thinking about mari and how omori just loved her so much and how the thought of her gave him strength. th pic of her ghost holding omori’s hand in the water made me cry

MMMM BUT. HERO!!!

I DIE I DIE I DIE HE’S SO PRETTY FUCK ALSO HIM PICKING UP BASIL WOOOOOOOO THIS IS WHAT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THAT’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT YEAHHHHHHHH

god i feel so bad about leaving aubrey tho. shes so clearly not okay and she so clearly did not mean to push basil in and oh my GOD I JUST...PLEASE....PLEASE CAN WE JUST TLAK TO HER I NEED TO TLAK TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED TO FUCK

the ghosts of omori and aubrey on the swings made me cry out like i had been physically assaulted

AHH BUT THEN TAKING BASIL HOME AND WHILE HE’S IN HIS BED HE JUST SAYS “oh sunny...there’s not way out of this...is there?” I LITERALLY GO BUCKWILD APESHIT INSANE STUPDI!!!!!! BASIL YOURE PUTTING UP A LOT OF ALARMING FLAGS HERE!!! PLEASE DO NOT FUCKING DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK. CHRIST. HELL. SHIT. THIS GAME IS DRIVING ME FUCKING CRAZY

GOD

oh my god but the day ending with hero and kel sleeping over at omori’s house...im kdnd im jkdim im not uhm okay THEY BUILT A BLANKET FORT PLEASE..I LOVE THEM

goddd hero going into the piano room....playing sum........and then asking omori abt the song he and mari used to play on violin...and then THE TITLE SCREEN MUSIC STARTS PLAYING....HI. HI HELLO HI YOU CANT FUCKIGN DO THAT HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOUFBJFGJNGN;EJNE; IM GOIGN NUTS

also the name omori comes from the piano.............interesting...i wonder why sunny likes being called omori in the dreamscape...

god but omori not having a srs hallucination cause he’s w his friends and he feels safe...im gonna sob

However. i did glance into the bathroom mirror. AND INSTEAD OF THE EYE MF IT’S A DISTORTED AS HELL GHOST MARI???IM SO FUCKIGN SCARED. IM SO SCARED. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK? CREEPY AS HELL!!!

ohh my god this GAME

so finally i ended up in whitespace again. do NOT like that omori is completely alone in the world!!! what the FUCK!!!!!!!! I AM SO SCARED AT ALL TIMES. im literally about to go play sum more tho after dinner so i will see what happens. god i jsut......this game is so fucking good it has me by the balls dude. SO glad i decided to play it bruh

anyway thanks for reading all of this if u did, it’s an absolute monster ik and ur a real one

[multifandomwriter18]

13, 16, and 37 for reader x turtles? I'm partial to Leo, Raph, or Donnie, but you decide! I love your stuff!! Hope this request isnt too boring 🐢🐢❤🐢💙🐢💜🐢

~Hi darling! Thanks for requesting. Number 13 was already done but I'll be more than happy to do your other two requests! I hope liked them!!~

-Also I decided to write both at the same time so enjoy.-

Raph x reader: Prompt - "Okay, I know we're all a bit sleep deprived and aggressive but let's be rational about this."

There has been a huge spike of crime going on in the city of the New York. Especially with the Foot which only meant that the boys were always out and taking these goons down.

Its wasn't much of a battle with them. They were horribly skilled and of course stand no chance against the team but after a while it gets tiring and becomes alot on them to deal with.

You can't even remember the last time you had seen Raph let alone talked to him, texted or called him. The last time you were able to even hang out with him was about a few weeks ago. And with work and your own life becoming busy it was getting harder and harder.

And even if you had days off you couldn't go down to the lair because for the most the day the boys would be sleeping. Their whole sleep schedule was messed up and clearly an angry and sleep deprived Raphael was not something you were willing to deal with as of right now.

After so many weeks of not seeing them, you decided to take the chance and go visit them.

You get yourself ready and take the trip to the lair. And it was a mess. You could already feel the tension between all the brothers and the lack of sleep was clearly noticable.

"Hey angelcakes." Mikey greeted as you smiled in reply, "hey MC. How is everything going?" You asked as the youngest sibling sunk lower into the couch. "We're doing great, angelcakes." He replied; sarcasm noted.

"Let me guess, Raph and Leo got into a tussle again?" You asked as he only nodded as he started to doze off. You take the venture towards the dojo where Raph was of course working out to blow off steam.

You peeked into the dojo to see Raph ramming his fists into the red punching bag. His muscles pulsed and clenched with each strike to the bag. His teeth clenched and lack of sleep framed his features.

"Raph?" You said softly as he only grunted in reply.

"Raph," you repeated as he finally looked over at you. At first he didn't want to believe it. He thought he was seeing things but once you walked over to him he knew you were real.

"(Y/n)..."

"Hey Red." You greeted as he looked down at you. "How are you doing?" You asked as he sighed, "how does it look like?" He asked as he turned back to his punching bag.

"I'm going fucking insane." He growled out as you sighed, "I know...Mikey told me..." you replied softly as he cursed under his breath. "You and Leo got into another fight?"

"He's been driving me insane. He's always on my fucking case." He cussed out as he rammed his fists harder at the punching bag.

"And these fucking Foot soldiers are non-stop and its getting annoying, they're almost as annoying as Mikey! Leo won't shut up and keeps acting like he acts like he knows everythin' and on top of that I have to deal with-ugh!" He snapped as he striked the bag once more, knocking it right off the chain and made me fly across the dojo.

Your eyes widened for a moment as you witnessed the punching bag sag to the ground. Raph was fired up now, his chest rose and fell in a fast pace, his large hands clenched into fists and his teeth gritted against eachother.

"Okay, I know we're all a bit sleep deprived and aggressive but let's be rational about this." You said softly as you gently rested a hand on his large forearm.

He took in deep and shallow breaths as he turned to look at him. "Just focus on me okay?" You added on as you used your other hand to caress his cheek.

"S-sorry.." he mumbled out as he leaned into your touch. "I know that it's been stressful. Everyone is tired and getting annoyed with this but you need to stay strong and work together." You said softly as he sighed, "it's hard to do that when I got everyone on my case.."

"I know...Leo can be stern but you gotta understand that he's also stressed out."

"I know...."

You smiled softly as you stroked your thumb against his cheek as be began to relax a bit more. "I missed you..." he barely managed out. "I missed you too." You replied as his gaze locked on yours and you smiled once more.

"How about you get some rest...it looks like you haven't slept in ages." You advised as he chuckled softly in reply, "I look that bad?"

"No, I still think you look handsome." You replied as you kissed his cheek. "You just got here though..."

"Who said I wouldn't nap with you?" You asked as he began to smile as he takes your hand in his and you both venture to his room for a 'nap'. Hey at least it unstressed him. *wink-wink-nudge-nudge*

Donnie x reader: Prompt - "If I mean nothing to you, then why do you hold me like I'm your world?"

You and Donnie have been great friends. Since the moment you and your roommate April had crossed paths with them. You were quite a nerd yourself and was always fascinated with Donnie's lab experiments and inventions.

But after many months of being close friends you had came to realization that what you were feeling towards Donnie wasn't just a friend like emotion. You liked-no loved him more than just a friend.

Donnie was the shoulder to cry on when you needed him most. The both of you supported eachother through everything. Anytime you were down he'd be at your apartment in a heartbeat as you would do the same for him. You both would spend many hours with eachother.

Either binge watching your favorite movies and or t.v shows. From making explosions in his lab, laughing, sharing good moments together or simply ranting about your problems or things that have been on your mind.

Yes your friendship with him is unbreakable but you were in love with him and he was head over heels for April.

April is great, she's nice and an amazing friend. You never had a problem with her. You two were also inseparable and sometimes you really hated the burst of emotions you had for her. You hated her for how Donnie admires her. You hated how his heart was only beating for her.

You wanted him to look at you the way he looks at her. You wanted him to see you the way you saw him. But...you can't force someone to love you...and god it hurt. It hurt alot...

It hurts how he would find a way to clear his schedule to be with April and sometimes he would hang out with her alot more than you. Maybe he didn't notice how it hurt you, maybe he did? You didn't know. But what you did know was that you couldn't deal with it any longer.

So visits to the lair became less frequent. You stayed away from the lab and half the time you would make up lame excuses of to why you couldn't come down to visit.

The brothers knew why. Hell they knew you had an insane crush on Donnie and when they realized of how you never came down to visit they knew why.

"Does our friendship mean anything to you?" Donnie asked as you turned to look at him. You were in the dojo, reading a book since the other brothers were out doing god knows what which left you and Donnie on your own in the lair.

"Does it mean anything to you?" You asked sourly as you forced yourself to continue reading but at this point the words became blurry and hard to read.

"Of course it does!"

"Oh really? Cause it doesn't seem like you do!" You snapped as you put your book away and glared at him.

"Says the one who hasn't been here in weeks!" He fired back as you rolled your eyes, "why do you care? You had April didn't you!" You spat as you hated how your voice became wobbly and weak.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"All I hear is 'oh April is so great!'. 'April is so smart! Oh April is this, oh April is that!' You make up so much time for her and nothing for me!" You yelled out as Donnie was speechless for words.

"That's-that's not true!"

"Yes it is! You treat her better than me! And then I'm left for seconds?! How is that fair on me!" You cried out as the tears rolled down your cheeks.

"Who has helped you in the lab? Me! Who has been there for you when you needed someone? Me! I thought I was your best friend, and then when April comes along I mean nothing to you!" You added on as Donnie's eyes dimmed.

You sniffled, trying to contain the sob from escaping you. "But I tried. I tried so hard to role with it because I love you..." you choked out.

His golden eyes widened as you let out a dry laugh. "I have loved you for so long and the fact that I still do-" you forced yourself to stop yourself as you shake your head.

"(Y/n) I-"

"I'm done." You forced out, not wanting to hear another word. You run past him only to have him grab your arm, "(Y/n), wait!"

You looked up at him, anger and betrayal filled your eyes as the tears swam in your (e/c) eyes, the warm tears streamed down your cheeks.

His own eyes grew misty as they filled with sadness and something else that you couldn't figure it out but at this point you didn't care.

"Let me ask you this." You forced out as your breathing became shallow as each word that escaped your mouth wobbled and trembled. "If I mean nothing to you, then why do you hold me like I'm your world?" You asked as Donnie's eyes widened for a moment before they dimmed once again.

You worked down the hard swallow and his hand released your arm and you nearly broke into tears right in front of him.

You stepped away from him and ran out of the dojo. The sob finally breaks out of you and god you wished...you really wished he had chased after you. That he would beg you not to go and hold you so close and never let you go but...

But that never happened and god it hurt. It hurt you so much...

Not every story has to end with a happy ending. Things happen and people change. And though the truth can sometimes hurt you, it also gives you the ability to heal.

And that takes time. It takes time to heal and it takes strength in order to move forward. And with that comes struggle but struggle become an allie as we take that struggle and learn from it.

And eventually we become stronger and are able to get back up and finally heal. Yes it will take time, it will hurt for some time but if there is one thing I know dear reader is that we cannot let the past hold onto us. We cannot let the pain take hold and drag us into the deep.

Past will be a distant memory and we can learn from it...

And as the long time saying goes, when one door closes...

Another opens...

☆▪︎End▪︎☆

Okay so we got fluff and shit tone of angst...I hope you enjoyed the imagine guys and I'm deeply sorry if I dampened anyone's mood. TSYM FOR REQUESTING LOVE!

[zarischarlie]

Yo this was supposed to be a shit post but it became a full on spec fic. But like, pretty sure Charlie and Zari would go like this

Every mission, on the ship, just anytime they're around each other they're arguing. It's the same stuff, snarking each other, snide comments, getting a little too close, and glaring at each other while the world fades around them

At first, Zari is convinced she hates her because shes insufferable. Shes blunt, rebellious, has an attitude. Shes all the things Zari wasnt prepared for.

After some contemplation, she starts to realize that a part of her is mainly affected still by how much she looks like Amaya. Everytime she sees Charlie, she expects her best friend, the woman who she loved to smile or chastise Zari for her childish quirks like staying up too late to play video games or not doing chores. Then Charlie speaks and Zari is so mad. It was hard enough that the woman she fell for loved someone else, left, and now she had to deal with a walking reminder of her heartbreak. It wasnt fair.

It takes a bit and that leads her to the conclusion that some of the anger she had for the universe and time travel playing cruel tricks on her was being taken out on Charlie. She finally gets it all out and is willing to make amends.

Then Charlie speaks and and shes still angry only this time, it's a different type of anger or one that was lurking under her Amaya feelings.

It's just, how could she not be mad?How couldnt she be mad at the way Charlie stole her snacks, the way she called her sweetheart or love, the way her dark brown eyes saw right through Zari's shit and deep into her soul? It was infuriating.

And then one night they're alone. Zari's in the kitchen for a late night snack, Charlie out of boredom. She sees Zari at the table and is all too happy to ignore her and leave but...she cant

Truth be told, she respected Zari. She hated how Zari backhanded and snided at every corner, but she respected her. For some reason, Zari seemed to just get it the most. She knew what it meant to be persecuted just for being different, what it meant to not let anyone in due to never feeling safe. She understood those moments where she was just so angry.

Because of that, she did want to find a middle ground. She loved getting the legend all riled up but if they were going to live together, they couldnt be at each others throats forever.

So she just stops in her tracks and bluntly asks why Zari hated her? She just didnt get. She had grown on everyone in the ship but Zari she couldn't crack. It bothered her

Maybe it's the sleep deprivation getting to them or something more, but it was the first real conversation they had about their relationships. Through the talk, they start to realize the other isnt so bad, that maybe this was a friendship that could work. Then Zari kisses her.

Both are stunned when it happens and as soon as Zari could process it, shes stammering finding some way to get out of this situation. She apologizes repeatedly and Charlie tries to tell her it's okay, tries to talk about it but Zari is still in shock. This couldnt happen. It just couldnt.

So shes running out leaving Charlie alone. Charlie, who's realizing that this woman is a lot more than she expected

Then it only gets worse from there. Zari builds up her walls and goes on pretending the kiss never happened. Shes picking more fights with Charlie who's mad as well because Zari keeps picking fights. It becomes a cycle.

Their original argue rate jumps up by 3000 and Sara is confused. Things seemed to finally have settled down between the two and now it was a hurricane of harsh words and her breaking them up.

So she talks to Ava. Now Sara is a bi queen, she has game, shes smooth and all that but the fact is, her gaydar is shit.

She tells Ava about Charlie and how her and Zari keep fighting and then Ava is looking her with eyes that just say "seriously babe?"

She breaks it down for her girlfriend. Two women who are extremely similar yet different, both with fiery attitudes, and both ready to tear each other limb from limb. Like Sara, they're clearly hot for each other

And Sara just looks at her so confused. Like, no. She runs a tight ship. She'd know if those two had feelings for each other. Damn, she didnt even think Zari was gay. This all was just blowing her mind. So then she invites Ava to see for herself

They walk in on the two in a heated argument and it only escalates from there. It's not until Charlie absolutely loses it and calls Zari out mentioning how she refuses to talk about the kiss.

Insert shook captain and her time bureau girlfriend.

It's only silent from there. Zari doesnt know what to say. She buried those feeling and they were just now being opened again. Not wanting to wait, Charlie just scoffs and leaves.

After a good old pep talk, Zari realizes she needs to talk to Charlie. Sara even uses the love is worth the risk line because Zari needed to hear it. She needed to hear that she couldnt bury things, that she was worthy of love, that maybe the universe gave her so many losses for this; a win.

She finds Charlie in her room blaring punk music in a fit of rage. She gets ignored for a bit and decides to just talk while Charlie listens. Even if she fucked up, ruined everything, she wasnt going to repeat her mistakes. She'd say how she felt

She tells Charlie how much that kiss scared her. How much she scared her. She was developing feelings for Charlie for a while now and in the beginning she thought they were ghosts of her feelings for Amaya. Then she started to smile at Charlie's small little laugh, the way she crinkled her nose, her terrible posture when she sat. She secretly enjoyed their fights too, no one ever challenged Zari like that, called her out. It lit a fire in her she never knew she had. As infuriating as those stupid pet names were as well, Zari loved the fact that sweetheart and love were names reserved just for her.

And Charlie wants to believe it. She really does. This sarcastic mess before her had captivated her from the moment she stepped foot on the ship. She hated her then with every fiber of her being but there was that little voice in the back of her head that echoed the same thought she had when they first met: who is this woman?

But shes been lied to before. Shes been hurt before. There was this insecurity that Zari only wanted her for her looks, because she looked like this Amaya girl. She wanted Zari but not like that.

Zari assures her that that's not the case. Yes she was in love with Amaya, yes she was crushed when she left or the moments she saw slithers of her relationship with Nate. But somewhere along the line, in all the time shes known Charlie, she moved on. She fell for the punk rock prankster shape shifter in front of her and there was no denying that. Not anymore.

Still she sees the doubt in Charlie's eyes and she finally decides to tell her in a way that more effectively communicated what she was feeling. She kissed her. And not a midnight kiss where she made a mistake, a proper one. One that threw caution to the wind, one that she never wanted to end.

When they finally pull apart, Charlie just holds Zari's hands to her cheek and forces herself to look at her. She wants to look away, run away, because shes never been this vulnerable with anyone. But she remembers its Zari and in that fact, theres a small comfort

She runs her thumb along her hand and in such a soft voice, one different from her usual loud and upbeat one, she asks "is this real?"

And Zari says yes. It's the realest thing shes ever felt and she wasnt planning on ever letting it go

[themoonandotherslikeit]

The Daughter of a Righteous Man- Chapter 13

*SEQUEL TO THE LOOK IN HER EYES*

After her husband is drug to Hell, Ava Winchester and her brother in law Sam try their best to do right by Dean and raise her daughter, only to find that good intentions aren’t always enough. Loving someone isnt always enough.

Chapter Thirteen, The Touch of an Angel

Ava

One kiss for the road. One kiss to say everything that we couldn't say, that we would never say. He pulled me closer, and I let him.

My heart was confused, my head swimming. There wasn't ever a choice. Not for this. Maybe in a different life.

Thunder rolled around us, and I pulled back. "We need to get inside."

"But if we go inside then it's over..."

I touched his cheek. It was rough from the beard he was growing. He looked older. "Sam... it already is over."

"I don't want to leave Nel..."

"You don't have to," I whispered. "I don't want you to leave." It wasn't fair, but I had to say it.

"I don't want to leave either, but this..." he gestured to us. "It's complicated. I don't know if I can look at you every day and not be with you."

I sighed and wiped my eyes. "Sam, I'm his wife. We got married. We had a child... He died for me. The two of us were happy, in love." I swallowed hard, biting back tears. "I'm his wife."

"And I'm his brother, Ava. You're not the only one who betrayed him."

Betrayed. There it was. The word I was searching for, but couldn't speak out loud. I promised my unborn child that I wouldn't let her fathers sacrifice go in vain. Instead, I got with his brother.

"It'll destroy him," I whispered. "If he finds out."

Sam looked down and he sucked in his breath. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"It never happened." He turned toward the house, walking up the stairs, and through the front door.

It was final. It's what needed to be done. Thunder roared around me again and rain started falling all around me, washing me clean. Or trying to drown me. At this point I honestly couldn't tell which was which.

I walked up the stairs and around to the other side of the house, opening the sliding glass door that connected the wrap around porch to our bedroom. I didn't want to pass Sam again. I needed some space. We needed some space.

I slid open the door, shivering from the rain.

Dean sat up suddenly, his muscles tight. He looked around for me.

"Hey," I said to him.

He exhaled in relief. "Hey back." He opened his arms for me and I crawled into bed, despite my rain-soaked clothes. "Ave, you're soaking wet." He raised his eyebrows.

"I needed some air."

He ran his fingers through my wet curls. "Is this too much?"

I searched his face, he looked vulnerable. He was looking into my eyes for an answer. One that sat on both of our tongues. Do I still love him? I touched his cheek with my cold hand. He was warm, and he smiled at my touch, turning to kiss my palm.

"It's not too much. All I've wanted for the last four months is to be with you."

I thought back to my birthday wish. I wanted to be with him forever. It was always us.

"You're shivering," he commented. "Let me warm you up."

I scooted toward him, and he peeled off my wet sweatshirt and leggings. I snuggled against him under the blanket, pressing my naked body to his. He wrapped his arms around me and tangled his legs with mine.

"Thank you," Dean whispered to me.

"For what?"

"I don't know much about Hell, I don't remember much... but I do know that the only reason I'm here is because of you. I know that if I'm still sane it's because I never forgot how I felt about you."

I pulled him closer, so close that my very being ached. I love him. I love him so much.

"I could still feel your lips... and your hips." He grinned and winked at me.

"I thought about your hips the first day I met you." Bed breaking to be exact.

"I thought about yours too." Dean looked me over, his eyes burning my skin even in the midst of darkness. "You look way too good in your dress pants."

"And you look good in a suit."

"I guess we make a good pair." He kissed me again.

"I guess we do."

Our hands we're together, fingers intertwined, and I examined his hands. They were cut. His knuckles still fresh. "What happened?"

"Have you ever clawed your way out of a coffin?"

I frowned and pressed my lips to his knuckles. "Can't say I have," I whispered, my heart breaking inside of my chest.

"Ava."

"Dean?"

"Did you get my note?"

I licked my lips and frowned. "It took me a long time to come back in here, but eventually I did read it."

"Did you do it? Let yourself be happy?"

I closed my eyes.

"Sam, if I watch anymore How I Met Your Mother I think I will morf into Ted Mosby."

"But it's happening. Come on one more."

"Why do you like this so much?" I asked, curled against his chest.

"It's hilarious."

"I mean, yeah. But why do you stay up with me watching it?"

"I like it,” he said stroking the length of my hair.

I knew why. I couldn't sleep, so he stayed up with me. It's how it had been since the first night I came home. The two of us cuddled on the couch watching some new tv show to distract me.

"So, I'm doing you a favor by watching it with you, is what you're saying." I grinned.

"Exactly."

"You're so dumb." I laughed. "I'm going to make some popcorn."

"Add the ranch seasoning!"

"What? Do you think I'm new here or something. Of course I'll add the ranch seasoning!"

"In my own way, in a different way than what I'm used to... yeah I was happy."

"I'm glad." Dean nodded. "What about Sammy?"

"What about him?"

"Was he happy? He's out of the life so I bet he is."

"Yeah, Sam was happy."

I just hoped with everything in me that he could still be happy.

Sam

Earlier

"Whiskey." I nodded to the bartender as I almost fell onto the bar stool. She kissed him. Of course she would. I knew she missed him, but somehow I thought it would've been different. Maybe it was because I still was tingling from being in bed together that morning. "Actually, make it a double."

The bartender slid me the glass, and I accepted the warmth willingly. Dean was back. I was so happy when I saw him, seeing him smile, seeing him alive. It's what I begged for as I dug at the frozen ground. It's what I threatened for with every demon Ruby and I exercised.

All I wanted for months was to see my brother again, and to not wake up in a cold sweat picturing him in Hell. It was all I wanted, but yet, when Ava saw him everything changed.

She looked shocked. He picked her up and her eyes locked with mine. The romantic dinner I was cooking for her was cold on the stove.

I finished the whiskey, and I gestured for another. What the fuck am I going to do?

"Sam."

I turned toward the familiar voice and was face to face with Ruby. Her hair was down in loose waves. She wore a tank top under her leather jacket. She looked pale.

"Ruby? What're you doing here?"

"Is it true?" She took a step toward me.

"Is what true?"

"Is Dean back from the pit?"

I took a drink of the new pour. "How did you hear about that?"

"So it is true."

"We think it was a demon."

"Sam." Ruby shook her head. "Demons can't just pull people out. Souls don't walk out of Hell. No one can do that. Not even Lilith."

I could see her shocked face as she tried to attack me, falling off short. "Maybe she isn't as strong as she likes to pretend she is."

"Sam this is serious," Ruby said low. "The demons are scared. I'm scared. Whatever did this is bad."

"You're a demon. Isn't bad your thing?"

"Not bad like a demon.. the earth quakes at its voice. This is cosmic. This is big."

"So what are you saying?" I asked with a sigh, gesturing for another glass.

"What are you doing?" She grabbed for the drink, but I stopped her arm.

"Celebrating," I said dryly.

"Is this about the girl? Fucking really Sam? What are you fourteen? There's so much more going on here than your love life." She moved closer to me. "Besides, if you need a girl in your bed you know one that's always willing."

I batted her away with a groan. I was attracted to Ruby, there was no doubt about it. She was sexy and powerful, but she wasn't Ava. Not even close.

"You need to figure out what this is before we are all dead," Ruby said, pulling her hand out from under mine. "So I hope your little fling doesn't get everyone killed. Goodbye Sam."

I watched Ruby walk away, swinging her hips. She was right. I couldn't be with Ava even if she wanted to. She was never mine to start off with, and more importantly, something yanked Dean from the pit, and we still have no idea why.

Dean

Alastair's eyes were black, his snaked tongue licking his lips as he brought the blade over my skin, carefully peeling it away.

I screamed out, not able to be the stoic badass I liked to believe myself to be. I tried to find my happy place away from the heat and sting of his blade. If I were alive I would've passed out a long time ago, but I'm not alive. I'm in Hell.

There was no happy place for me, no matter where I went I still felt his fingers on my skin forcing open wounds with tools that could only be invented by a master.

"Little Dean Winchester. So many scars. So much pain." He ran his knife along my skin, and I struggled against the restraint. "It's only a matter of time before I break you. Everyone has a breaking point."

Tears streamed down my cheeks. I wanted to call out for Sam, for Ava, but I knew better than to give him ammunition, to give him something else to hurt me with.

He lifted the blade and slammed it down on my ring finger, slicing it in two. My vision blurred for a second as I cried out, begging to pass out.

"Oops! It slipped!"

He was a liar. It never slipped. I was set up to endure an eternity of his sharp teeth and black eyes hanging over me, breathing hot wet breath that smelled like death.

"Well I'd hate for your other hand to not match." He lifted his blade with a larger than life smile, almost ripping open his cheeks to show rows and rows of razor sharp teeth.

I sat up in bed gasping for breath. I moved my hands out in front of me. They were still in tact.

"Hey, are you okay?" Ava asked, sitting up. She pressed the sheet to her bare chest.

"Just a bad dream," I admitted, my heart still pounding. I clamped my eyes closed trying to send the images away. I felt her lips against my shoulder and suddenly I could breathe deeply again.

I wasn't in Hell, I was with Ava.

A knock came to our bedroom door. "Hey ya idgits need to get around. I've got a lead." Bobby said through the door. "My friend Pamela is the best damn psychic in the US. If anyone can find out what pulled Dean out its her. Put on your boots, we leave in 10."

—————————

Ava and I drove in the Impala, and for some reason Sam rode with Bobby in his truck. Ava called Dad and told him we would pick up Nel on the way back home.

"He said he will take her to the park. He has enough bottles to last the rest of the day."

"He's going to take her to the park?" I asked dumbfounded. Not only was a four month old baby too young to possibly play at a park, but he never took his own kids to a park.

Ava snuck away to the bathroom to pump, complaining that her breasts were sore, while I got ready. I was a little disappointed that I didn't get to take a peek, but I knew there'd be time to make up for everything I've missed.

We pulled up to Pamela's house, and found a curvy brunette in a Led Zeppelin tank top and tight jeans waiting for us on the porch. "Bobby!" She said, waving as he got out of the car.

I raised an eyebrow at Sam. Maybe he could take her out. Sam and Pam, they could double with Ava and I.

Christ when did I turn into the guy who thinks about double dates?

I glanced at Ava as she shook hands with Pam, she smiled shyly and my stomach fluttered. I knew exactly when I turned into that guy, and I was weirdly okay with it.

"Dean Winchester back from Hell." Pamela grinned as she took my left hand in hers. She eyed my wedding ring. "That's a real shame,” she murmured tapping the ring.

I shrugged. "That's What all the women say."

I heard Ava snort next to me, and I grinned cheekily.

"Any word? Are the spirits talkin?" Bobby asked as we entered the house.

"I've used my spirit board with about a dozen spirits and no one knows who pulled your boy out."

Sam sighed. "So what next, then?"

"Next, tall dark and handsome, I do a seance."

"You're going to summon the damn thing?" Bobby asked, shocked.

"No, no." Pamela laughed. "More like take a glimpse at it, like a crystal ball, but without the crystal." She patted Bobby's shoulder.

She went into the dinning room to set up and I hung back to catch Sammy. "Hey," I whispered to him. "You should go for it."

"Focus, Dean," he said sharply before walking away from me.

I frowned. What's his deal?

"Alright, take a seat around the circle,” Pamela said.

The table had a cloth draped over it and a pentagram in the center. There were a variety of candles lit, and the only light in the room was coming in through the closed blinds.

We all sat, Sam next to Pamela, Bobby next to Sam, Ava next to Bobby, and me in between Ava and Pamela.

"Take hands,” she instructed us.

I took Ava's in mine. Her palm was sweaty. "It's okay," I promised her at a level only she could hear. She nodded, but didn't look convinced.

"I need to touch something that the mystery monster touched." Pamela eyed me up and down.

"Here," I said exposing the handprint on my shoulder.

She closed her eyes and we followed her lead.

"I invoke, conjure, and command you, appear unto me before this circle. I invoke, conjure, and command you, appear unto me before this circle. I invoke, conjure, and command you, appear unto me before this circle."

I opened my eye to take a peek. Something felt wrong. My heart was pounding in my chest, and I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I saw the tv in the corner come to life, on a static screen just like in the gas station.

"I invoke, conjure, and command... Castiel? No. Sorry, Castiel, I don't scare easy."

"Castiel?" I asked, feeling Ava squeeze my hand harder.

"Its name. It's whispering to me, warning me to turn back."

Pamela's nails dug into my skin, and the table began to shake. The energy in the room was growing, threatening to bubble over.

"I conjure and command you, show me your face," Pamela chanted, over and over, her hand growing hot on my skin.

All of our eyes were open now, but Pamela's. Bobby looked alarmed as everything in the room seemed to tremble with the power pulsing through it. "Maybe we should stop."

"No, I've almost got it." She turned her face upwards and with a loud voice she shouted. "I command you, show me your face! Show me your face now!"

The flame from the candles in the center of the circle shot upward, and Pamela screamed out. She fell backwards in her chair, clawing at her eyes. Our hands dropped, and I fell to the ground next to her, taking her head in my lap. She was bouncing between screams and sobs. "I... I can't see."

Where her eyes used to be, were two burned out holes. She was completely blind.

"Call 911!"

Castiel. What the fuck are you, and why did you bring me back? What could you possibly want with me?

—————

Chapter Fourteen, You Deserve to be Saved

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@xjamiedennettx

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[camillemontespan]

jealous heart [drake walker x mc]

Pairing: Drake Walker & Camille (my MC in the game)

Synopsis: Camille goes in search of Drake in the palace library which also doubles as a bar, so obviously he can be found here. She finds him... and Kiara. But how can she be jealous when he isn’t even hers and she is still in the running to be Queen?

‘Okay, so today you are getting to know King Constantine and Queen Mother Regina. You need to show how much you want to be Queen and also show how much you have learned about Cordonia. This is a big day, Camille. Any issues and this will reflect on you, on House Beaumont, on our entire position in the competition.’ Bertrand was filling in Camille on today’s activities while she was trying on numerous outfits.  ‘Remember: you live and breathe Cordonia and are so grateful to be taken away from your old life as a waitress in New York-’ ‘But my old life wasn’t so bad-’ Bertrand held up a hand. ‘They don’t need to know that. Besides, you were a waitress in a dive bar and lived in a studio apartment.’ Camille’s shoulders sagged. She caught Maxwell looking at her, a pained expression on his face. ‘Bertrand, maybe I can take it from here,’ he said. ‘You go and deal with more pressing Beaumont affairs.’ Bertrand glared at him. ‘’This is a pressing Beaumont affair.’ Maxwell slyly pointed at Camille, who was staring at the floor. Bertrand turned pink. ‘I’m sorry Camille if I’ve upset you. Sorry. I’ll go.’  He left the room. Maxwell stepped closer to Camille.  ‘Camille, are you okay?’ She looked up at him and he saw with shock that there were tears in her eyes. ‘No, Maxwell. I’m not.’

She sat down shakily on the chaise-lounge and clasped her hands together. Maxwell sat down beside her. ‘What’s wrong? Is it because Bertrand said you lived in a studio apartment? I’ve heard those are very different to palaces.’ Camille shook her head. ‘No, although that did sting a bit. I just feel like my heart isn’t in this competition. Like, it’s somewhere else.’ ‘Somewhere else?’ Maxwell ventured. Camille sighed. ‘Someone else.’ Maxwell drew in a breath. ‘Um... can I ask who?’ He tried to push down the hope he had. He had had a small crush on Camille since he had gotten to know her. She was always kind to him and funny and treated him like he was worth something, unlike everyone else who viewed him as the village idiot.  ‘I’m falling for Drake,’ she said quickly, wanting to get the confession over with. Maxwell’s eyes widened. Forget his own feelings, she liked Drake! This was huge!  ‘Camille! How long have you liked him?!’ ‘A while... it’s been a slow burner.’  Maxwell gulped. ‘Would he make you happy?’ Camille looked at him, her eyes sad. ‘I think he would. I can be myself with him.’ ‘Does he know you like him?’ Camille broke eye contact and stared ahead of her. ‘He does. We’ve had... moments. But he seems to believe I’m delusional and that I can’t ever love him. That he doesn’t deserve to be loved.’ Maxwell frowned. He had never seen Drake as the type to be emotional. He always saw this sarcastic, frowning man who enjoyed whiskey a little too much and never wanted to join in with his dance parties. He closed his eyes and all thoughts about Camille ever liking Maxwell back were gone. Though he liked her, he could see now that he had been blind. He thought back to the moments when Camille would insist that Drake join her, Maxwell and Hana for a drink. Or the times in the ballroom when she would sit beside Drake in the corner while everyone else danced. Or even when Camille would be joking around with Hana and Maxwell would glimpse Drake looking at her, a faint smile on his lips.  It was so obvious now. And Maxwell wanted her to be happy.  ‘You should find him,’ he said. ‘Tell him again how you feel and how happy he would make you.’ She frowned at him. ‘What about House Beaumont?’ Maxwell smiled. It was typical of her to think of others before herself. It was one reason why he liked her. ‘We’ll manage. I’ll think of a money making idea to keep us afloat. I just want you to be happy.’ ‘But the competition... Liam...’ she whispered. ‘There’s so much riding on this.’ Maxwell shrugged. ‘Liam could always pick Olivia. Go find Drake.’ She squeezed his hand. ‘Thank you, Maxwell.’ He squeezed hers back ‘Go get him, tiger.’

She wandered round the palace trying to find him until she worked out that he must be in the library. The library also doubled as a bar, which made her want to kick herself because of course he would be in the bar.  With new resolve, she made her way to the library.  She entered and stopped short. She saw him instantly - her eyes always found him first in a crowded room. It was always the way. He was near the back facing her and was emptying his whiskey glass. She was about to walk over to him when she spotted another woman sit at his table, her back to Camille. The woman handed him another drink and Drake smiled at her, toasting his glass with hers. The woman looked to the side and Camille drew in a breath. It was Kiara. 

Kiara had admired Drake since the day of the barn raising when Drake had helped her from being hurt by a beam. This act of kindness and the fact he had also been shirtless at the time didn’t hurt. Camille had spotted it instantly and had tried to ignore it. She had mentioned to Drake that Kiara seemed to like him but he had frowned and said he wasn’t interested. Now, it looked like he was. She watched them as they spoke and Kiara let out a shrill laugh when he said something. Camille’s heart contracted which she hated. Drake could spend time with other girls. He didn’t belong to her and she had no right to be jealous, especially when she was still in the competition to be Queen.  She watched as Kiara leant forward and pushed a stray lock of hair out of Drake’s eyes. He caught her hand and placed it back on the table but it was enough for Camille to audibly gasp. He looked up and saw her in the doorway before she could escape. His mouth dropped open and he rose to his feet. Before Kiara could turn around to spot her, Camille turned and ran away from the library, back to her room, tears springing up in her eyes.

It was only two minutes later when her bedroom door knocked. ‘Montespan?’ It was him. Camille stayed put on her bed, breathing harshly. He knocked again. ‘I know you’re in there.’ She groaned and braced herself. standing up to open the door. He stood over her, his face pale. ‘Montespan, it’s not what it looked like.’ ‘It’s alright Drake,’ she said, moving to shut the door. He brought his hand up and blocked her from shutting it in his face. ‘No, it’s not. Let me explain.’ She beckoned him inside and she sat down on the bed, watching him as he paced the floor. ‘I don’t like Kiara. I was in the library having a drink and she asked to join me, I would have preferred to be alone but hey, she was fucking persistent and kept speaking in French until she wore me down.’ Camille shrugged. ‘You can have drinks with whoever you want, Drake. You don’t have to justify it to me.’ ‘I do, though. I don’t want you to think that I don’t-’ He broke off. ‘Don’t what?’ ‘That I don’t care,’ he said. ‘I care about you. A lot. I don’t care about Kiara.’ Camille stood up and moved to him. ‘I can’t ask you to not spend time with the other girls, especially when I’m in this competition. I’d be a hypocrite.’ ‘I told you I would still be here. When you make your choice, I will be there, ready to accept whatever you decide.’ She looked up at him. He looked distraught. She placed a hand on his cheek. ‘I want out of this competition, desperately-’ ‘I know, Camille,’ he sighed, saying her first name. ‘But think of how that would look. How embarrassing for Liam. The press would drag your name through the mud. I can’t have you pull out for me.’ ‘But,’ she said, her voice wobbling. ‘I want you. You know I want you. You make me happy.’ Drake pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her. She inhaled his smokey smell of leather and the taint of whiskey. ‘You make me happy too,’ he whispered. ‘More than anything.’ ‘Drake, if he proposes to me, I’m saying no.’ He looked down at her, his eyes burning. ‘He would be hurt. He’d feel betrayed, I’m his best friend.’ ‘He can marry Olivia,’ Camille said desperately, remembering what Maxwell said. Drake ran a finger along her jawline. ‘Somehow, I feel that he doesn’t want to.’  She sighed, clenching her fingers on his shirt.

‘We will work this out,’ he told her.  ‘Not right now but once things become clear, we will work it out. Don’t worry. I’m with you on this.’ She nodded and his lips brushed hers. ‘I promise I won’t speak to Kiara alone again.’ Camille shook her head. ‘That’s not fair. Besides, I know you don’t like her that way. I just saw you both and felt jealous.’ ‘But you know I don’t like her?’ he said, confused. ‘I meant jealous because I wish we could hang out in the library having a drink, being close and not having to watch ourselves. I wish we could spend time together in public without causing gossip. I felt jealous because Kiara can do that with you whenever she likes and I can’t.’ Drake rested his forehead on hers. ‘Maybe one day in the near future, we can.’ ‘Maybe.. it’s not certain.’ ‘Then, let’s just enjoy this moment for now. We’re alone, together. What do you want to do?’ She smiled. ‘Honestly? Something cute. Like a couple would do. Maybe we could order in pizza and watch a movie. Touch each other while watching the movie maybe? I have to meet the King and Queen later today but it will be nice to relax.’ Drake grinned. ‘Pizza delivered to the palace it is. What movie?’ ‘What do you like?’ ‘Anything, as long as I can watch it with you.’ She smiled and squeezed his hand. ‘I want this to be over. I want this out in the open.’ Drake kissed her softly. ‘Soon. But let’s just enjoy this for now.’ They spent the next two hours eating pizza and watching a rom-com. Drake hated rom-coms but he put up with it for her because they made her smile and he liked to see her smile. If he could help her in any way to feel relaxed, safe and happy, then he would watch a million rom-coms. He wrapped his arm around her tighter and she nuzzled into him, smiling, all worries about Kiara gone. 

[bellamyblinkingrapidly]

Rewatching S8 Pt 2: Ep2

- Dany conveniently decides when she wants to be associated with her family.

- Tyrion is super in the doghouse about his family. If Dany doesn’t kill him or something I will be surprised. I want the payoff of her fulfilling all her threats against him.

- Sansa fucking leaving before Dany is so fucking petty and I love it honestly. SANSA STARK GIVES ME LIFEEEE. I love also seeing her armor crack - when Brienne brings up her mom or when she sees Theon. It’s important to remind us that she puts on this face of coldness & that she still has feelings underneath.

- wow gendrya is so hot they’re flirting so much I’m so glad they bang

- we should’ve been knew that Arya would kill the night king bc the white walkers and NK are personified as death and Arya knows death and says “NOT TODAY” to death.

- “I’m not that person anymore” Jaime says to Bran... interesting because he literally regresses back to that person & rejects change.

- “how do you know there is an afterwards?” A little dramatic bc like only 5 people we know die. At least kill of like 10 people if you’re gonna try to say that shit.

- Jaime and Tyrion’s convo just further asserting Tyrion is an idiot and ridiculously loyal to Dany and shouldn’t be. “She’s always been good at using the truth to tell lies. Don’t be too hard on yourself she’s fooled me more than anybody” “she never fooled you. You always knew exactly what she was and you loved her anyway.” I think this has HUGE implications for both Lannisters. Jaime loves Cersei anyway and returns to her. Tyrion loves Dany anyway. But they both pretend to themselves they’ve been fooled so they can feel better about themselves.

- But as they’re talking about Cersei Jaime gets lost in looking at Brienne. Disappointing that she didn’t end up being enough!!

- Jorah is the only one to bring Dany out of her bad mood. He reminds her she can be forgiving. Presumably he tells her to make peace with Sansa. Really good showcasing of how he is truly one of the only ones who still has her total trust and can talk her down.

- “he owns his and learns from them” BUT DOES HE THOU????

- wow lord Royce was really gonna defy the queen if Sansa said nah fam we can’t speak alone wow

- I wish I could have that kind of faith in my advisors. Tyrion is a good man. Sansa sees right into what bothers Dany & she defends Tyrion. She knows the way he’s being treated isn’t fair.

“I thought he knew his sister” interesting bc like Dany could say the same about Jon & it almost makes sense why she doesn’t trust Jon’s family or his judgment of his family bc she’s been burned by Tyrion

- Dany tries to play the feminist card lololol

- this talk about Jon has to have repercussions!! And just in general the obvious disagreements between Sansa and Dany needs to pay off somehow!!! Plsssssss

- Sansa seems to figure out what Jon has been doing... playing Dany and getting her North by making her fall in love. She’s the one doing stupid things for love. But then like after this Sansa acts still just as mad... and confused and out of the loop??? Like what does Jon tell her in episode 1?? Doesn’t she figure stuff out here in episode 2?? If so, why does she act like she forgot all of that by the next episodes???

- the Theon and Sansa reunion is everything and shows us so much of Dany’s mindset and worries.

- WHY SHOW THE STARKS UNITED AND PLANNING FOR WAR TOGETHER IF THAT ISNT GOING TO BE FULFILLED?? If they aren’t going to be a united front???

- also wtf why hasn’t Jon told his siblings about his parentage

- Bran seems super important and yet does absolutely nothing in ep 3.

- why was alys Karstark around so much??

- sams super long speech about death and memory is cool and all but um does it have any repercussions or echoes or anything for plot or story at all?? They make such a big deal out of this fight and it has such small consequences and stakes.

- wow Jon really dismisses the entire room including Dany’s staff lol

- so why do Tyrion and bran talk at all?? It doesn’t do anything????? Why have pointless scenes??

- wow Missandei and greyworm will never get to go to the beaches at Naarth. Sad. What will he do when the war is over?

- have you told her yet? Oh so finallllyyyyyy Sam is bringing it up again. BUT WHY THE HELL DID SAM ADVISE HIM OR ALLOW HIM TO TELL DANY THE PERSON WHO HE KNOWS IS A CRAZY BAD RULER?? Why didn’t he make him tell his family???

- there’s so much talk of everyone dying and so little pay off for this talk. No one SUPER SUPER important and shocking dies. I mean literally all the people by the fire survive. That is insane and unfulfilling imo.

- “well my golden lion days are done” wow another comment from Jaime about how he’s changed... and yet he will regress and apparently not change.

- ghost!!! Wish it was literally any other way.... bc he’s just standing there. But I missed him and somehow I feel like when we see Ghost maybe that’s a glimpse of the real Jon... maybe Jon sending him away represents him abandoning himself or not liking himself anymore? Bc of his deceit or his loyalty to the mad queen? Idk I’m picking at straws.

- so with Jaime out of the picture maybe Tormund has a chance?

- I love Tormund so much & im so happy for this moment. But all of these moments would mean more if people died I feel.

- I fought for you didn’t I? Glad this scene happened to set up for ep 3. Glad that Arya and The Hound got to have another scene besides the blacksmith one. Also a good reminder that Beric was brought back a billion times FOR A REASON... And we find out what that reason is next episode. Cool.

- Arya doesn’t find Gendry. She shoots arrows. Something familiar and like home. Probably reminds her of her dad and Jon. Gendry finds her. Love that she plays the game of faces with him.

- wow gendrya sex scene is everything

- still mad about no stark goodbye scene before the big fight - they didn’t even get one later like before KL HOW DARE U NOT GIVE US STARK GOODBYES AND STARK SIB SCENES

- wow so Tyrion was right about something “I think we might live”

- “fuck tradition” wow I love Tormund and Jaime. This moment is like the best in the whole season. Brienne becoming a knight is BEAUTIFUL. That look Pod gives her. Ugh. My heart.

- I actually wish that all that happened between Jaime and Brienne was the knighting scene. Because it’s so perfect and sweet. And since he leaves her to go back to Cersei bc he loves Cersei... it just ruins everything and leaves her so vulnerable and him looking really kinda sleazy imo. I just would’ve been totally content with their relationship just being this: mutual admiration and respect and encouragement.

- Lyanna and Jorah die ending house Mormont. I guess that’s the point of their scene? So um where’s Heartsbane now??? What was the point of this?? Sam didn’t owe Jorah anything. Sam saved Jorahs life because of the lord commander. Jorah serves the queen who killed Sams family. Why would Sam even give him the sword in the first place? What was the narrative purpose?? This sword protects Dany the woman who killed its previous owner. Like ???

- this sad montage is cool and sad but we only lose like Theon and Jorah from the next episode... so it just makes everything seem super dramatic with little payoff.

- Dany doesn’t apologize for being in the crypts. Annoying. I love that Dany thinks she knows what he’s thinking... oh that’s the stark my brother raped. Whoops.

- Jon is legit confused or frustrated by her response. Like he expected her to be happy to know she has family. But she’s actually just worried about the claim. So I think he didn’t quite know what she was before now. This to me reveals Jon believes she’s better than Cersei, will be a decent queen, but she has a temper and can be super vicious to those she deems as an enemy. I think Jon overestimates her desire for or love for family. She’s never had a family she could trust and love. Whereas family is everything to him. I think saying “Dany” is calling her something familiar as an equal. Whereas he goes back to “my queen” later which is super subservient.

[simplyserens]

( mentions of @theocannon, @ofcimani, @tvhnc, & @ofcmargos ) nova had left the prom almost immediately after having sex with ricky, she felt so dirty, usually she’d have better self-judgement or a voice ( usually one that sounded exactly like imani’s ) helping her to avoid doing the dumb shit she would if she was drunk. but as she stumbled with high heels in hand as she left the high school, still adjusting her dress, bottle of vodka she snagged from the bar in had, it was only then that she realized how far she’d strayed from the person she was in high school.

she puts her heels on as she reaches the dark and gloomy destination. she hated it here and yet she often found herself coming back time and time again. she listened to the satisfying crunch of twigs snapping beneath her feet, as she made her way through the rows of headstones, are neatly aligned. she stops in front of the headstones of her birthparents ‘ameila spencer’ and ‘johnathan spencer’ she nearly reaches out to touch them but doesn’t.

she sits there in the chilly new york air, perhaps she’d catch a cold or something worse, but she didn’t care at the moment. almost immediately she began crying, “hey mom, dad, it’s me. the biggest disappointment you know.” she muttered underneath her breath.

she wipes her eyes, “i know you guys didn’t love me. but you guys are the only people that i have right now okay.” she’s already crying again, unable to hold back, “tonight was probably the worst night of my life.” of course she was over-exaggerating, she’d made it through much worse than tonight. but somehow all of those things seemed to dull in comparison.

“you know usually i wouldn’t even be talking to you guys. i’d have imani or tahnee or just literally anybody else but—” she takes a deep breath, she was being pathetic, at least that’s what her mom would say if she was here. “imani has this boyfriend now, his name is jupiter, and i’m happy for her, really i am. but, part of me feels selfish that i just expected her to always be there, but isn’t that what best friends are supposed to do?” how did she even get to this point in her life? how did she get to trying to keep herself from bawling in a new york cemetery at one am?

“and tahnee—” even the name sounds bittersweet on her tongue, her once childhood friend tainted with the memory of what had happened between margo and theo, just the thought makes her take a long swig of the vodka, barely flinching as she does so, “— she has this girlfriend named margo, and god as much as i love tahnee, i can’t stand her girlfriend.” the mere thought of margo brings red hot anger boiling at nova’s fists, and she feels the urge to hit something, but she doesn’t. remembering the breathing technique she’d done with imani countless times before. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. it only helps a little bit.

she takes another long swig, before blurting out, “—and i’m pretty sure i have an alcohol problem— and—and—” the breathing doesn’t work anymore, she throws the glass bottle against a nearby tree, hearing it’s satisfying shatter. “—and i’m just so tired. it’s like everyone’s moved on with their lives, and here i am. what is wrong with me?” she asks to no one between sobs. 

she doesn’t bother wiping her eyes this time, simply letting the tears wash away all of her mascara. “i bet you’re wondering about theo.” no they weren’t. they don’t even know who theo is. they were long gone by the time you met him. is what a little voice in the back of her head tells her, but tonight nova allows the alcohol to speak for her. “turns out all i’m good for is being a stepping stone to much better things,” there’s a bitter laugh that escapes from her as she says this, “—and it’s no fair. i know this sounds dumb, and crazy, and selfish but he is was the love of my life, and i thought i was the love of his.” she’s crying even more at this point, unable to stop herself like before. “i hate him.” she says with no true malice in her words, only alcohol. “i hate him. i hate him. i hate him. i hate him. he broke my heart, and i hate him—” she reaches for the vodka bottle before remembering what she did with it, “—except i don’t hate him. and instead i hate myself more for it.”

she sighs, tracing the name of the gravestone with her finger, “i fucked some guy in a classroom today. he wasn’t bad. it’s just— the whole time i was thinking about theo. and before that i fucked this other guy in his apartment. and he wasn’t bad. it’s just— god i was thinking of theo then too.”

she swallows thickly, the exposed skin from her dress prodded with goosebumps. “— and it’s fine i mean seriously why should i be mad? — at least he said goodbye this time. — i just wish i hadn’t wasted my money buying this stupid present.” she says fishing a necklace out out of her clutch that had theo and nova’s names engraved into it, “and it’s not like i’m in highshool again asking carley ‘oh when’s theo coming home?’ who needs him? he didn’t go with me to prom, and i still won prom queen, right? i had four good years without him after carley did and he never once asked me if i was okay— to hell with him!” she shouts, “— i didn’t need him then and i don’t need him now. i’m going to get married, have a bunch of kids, find a better lover than he ever was, because there’s not a damn thing he could teach me about how to love someone.” she tries to play nonchalant but the tone in her voice is a dead give away, the waterfalls pooling in her eyes, “how comes he doesn’t want me mom?”

[femslashy]

begin again | chapter two

one | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine | masterpost | ao3 | playlist

It’s been three years since Baz left the sleepy Isle of Mage to attend university in London, and he hasn’t regretted a thing--except maybe leaving Simon behind. Convinced he’ll never be forgiven, Baz refuses to even visit until a frantic phone call from his stepmother sends him running home. Once there, Baz is forced to confront his past, question the future, and maybe, just maybe, get that second chance he’s always desired.

genre(s): angst+fluff+smut (in later chapters)

chapter length: 1743 words

triggers/warnings: none for this chapter

author’s note: a giant thank you to @amandaisnotwriting & @rainbowbaz for the beta/britpicking! full acknowledgments will be posted with the last chapter

(@arituzz​ i meant to get this chapter out on your birthday and i didn’t but it’s still dedicated to you 💜💜 happy belated bday!!)

I’m still here.

I’m still in Watford, still on the island, and I tell myself it’s because Daphne is anxious and scared, and won’t leave my father’s side. I tell myself it’s so Andrea can have a holiday alone with her girlfriend without me third-wheeling. I tell myself it's because my siblings miss me.

(I tell myself and I tell myself and I tell myself, like if I do it enough, I might actually be telling the truth.)

On the subject of Daphne, I’d nearly given her a heart attack of her own when I came down for breakfast my second day back with bruises under my eyes and swelling around my nose. She wouldn’t stop stealing glances at me as I ate my eggs, but didn’t ask any questions. (Not that I would have told her anything. As far as my parents knew, Simon and I were secondary school rivals who could barely stand to be in the same room together.) (I never bothered to correct them when those circumstances changed.)

One week—and many cold compresses from Vera—later, the swelling is gone, but the bruising still remains. I scrunch up my face at my reflection in the mirror, hissing as I remember why I shouldn't do that. Fuck Simon.

I’d just wanted to push him a bit, see if he would yell. In hindsight, I should have seen it coming. Simon’s never fought with his words, and me egging him on could have only ended one way. I just wish it hadn’t involved my nose.

I haven’t shown Andrea yet. I’m afraid she’ll think it’s the reason I’ve cancelled on  our holiday. Maybe I should, actually. Then I won’t have to admit the real (much worse) reason. Except she’d just cover up the bruises and drag me to the beach anyway—one of the downsides of being friends with a makeup artist; you can never get out of social gatherings because of your appearance. (That doesn’t mean I don’t try.) (It never works.)

After determining my reflection a lost cause, I leave the bathroom, bumping into Daphne in the hallway.

“Oh, Baz,” she says once she notices it’s me, “I was just looking for you. Can you take the twins to football club again today?”

I nod, because of course I will.  I can’t say I intended to spend my hols as a nanny, but I’m finding that I don’t mind all that much. It gives me something to do. (It gives me excuses.)

Normally Daphne would be the one taking them places, but  my father’s heart attack had shaken her more than I’d initially realised. According to Vera, she’d been out shopping for most of the day when it happened—apparently she and my father had a row—and she’d returned just in time to see him being loaded onto an ambulance.

She’s been glued to his side since he came home. As if on cue, Cecily and Roseline—my six year old half-sisters—come tumbling out of their room. They’re followed closely by Winston, Daphne’s black and tan corgi, who makes a beeline for me almost immediately. I brace myself for an assault on my ankles, but before he can get to me Daphne’s scooping him up, admonishing him in sickening baby talk while he licks at her face. “Why is that dog so obsessed with me?” “He just wants to be your friend,” she replies, and I frown—I don’t like dogs, and I especially don’t like Winston. (This has done nothing to dissuade his love for me.)

“I don’t want to be his friend.”

Daphne just shakes her head and laughs—like she always does when I voice my opinion on her dog—and looks past me at the twins. “Are you two ready to go?”

They nod.

“Do you have your bags ready?”

Wide-eyed, they run off—presumably in the direction of the bags, and I grab the keys, rolling my eyes at Daphne as she tries to get Winston to give me a kiss goodbye.

***

We’re barely out of the garage when Cecily lunges forward and shoves a CD in my face. “Play this.”

“No,” I say flatly as I bat it away, “no, we are not listening to One Direction. And put on your seatbelt.”

“But you said no yesterday. And the day before,” she whines.

“And I’m saying it again: no.” “I’ll tell Mum you’re being mean.” “I don’t care.” “I’ll scream.” “I’d rather listen to that. Seatbelt. Now.”

“You’re in trouble,” Roseline sing-songs; Cecily drops the CD and swats at her.

“Cece! Leave her alone,” I snap.

Roseline looks smug, and Cecily sulks and kicks my seat. “I want my music.” “Put your seatbelt on.”

She does. “Can I have my music now?”

“No.”

She continues to kick my seat for the duration of the trip, sticking her tongue out whenever I glance in the rearview mirror.

It’s a long drive.

***

As soon as we arrive, the twins jump out of the car and run to the pitch, screaming and jumping around once they reach their friends. I go to say hello to Coach Minos; only it’s not Coach Minos standing next to the watercooler. It’s Simon.

“What are you doing here?”

He jumps, and the ball he’d been bouncing on his knees falls to the ground. “Hey, Baz.”

“What are you doing here?” I repeat. “Where’s Coach Minos?”

Simon shrugs. “Dunno. He just asked me to fill in, so I am.”

“But you’re terrible at football.”

“I still know how to play,” he says defensively, “I can still help. And I’m not that terrible.”

I scoff. “I think we played enough together for me to be a fair judge.”

As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I’m remembering how those games usually ended—with tackles and kisses and me accusing him of cheating. (Judging by the look on Simon’s face, so is he.)

“I, um, I have to go now. The kids need me. I’ll be…” he points in the direction of the pitch, “there.”

“Right. And I’ll be…” I gesture to the stands where the other parents are sat, “there.”

Simon nods and jogs off. I force myself not to watch his retreating figure (or the way his back muscles flex under his shirt) and find a place to sit down, away from everyone. I spend the next hour pretending to be engrossed with my phone, and trying not to stare at Simon.

(I don’t succeed.)

***

After that, Simon is everywhere.

At the pharmacy when I’m picking up Mordelia’s allergy medication. At the bakery where he swipes two of my scones. Still filling in for Coach Minos at the twins’ football club. Running on the beach where I’m playing with Alfie. Stopping his run to build a sandcastle with Alfie. Knocking over said sandcastle with Alfie and immediately earning himself a best friend for life. (Which isn’t that impressive, considering Alfie’s three and loves everyone.)

I’m lying on the floor in my room when my phone buzzes in my jacket pocket, alerting me to a new message from Andrea, my flatmate back in London. (I suppose you could call her my best friend—she does—but that’s such a juvenile term that I avoid it whenever possible.) (Which is always.)

hows the isle of exbfs

Don’t call it that. Boring.

masochist just come home if its that terrible

I didn’t say it was terrible.

I almost pocket my phone then, mostly because I don’t want to deal with her questions right now, and a little bit because I’m afraid I’ll spill everything.

Andrea’s shockingly good at getting me to confess things.

I saw Simon today.

(Sometimes without even trying.)

!!! is that good??

My fingers hover over the screen as I contemplate my answer. I don’t know

are u going to see him again?? I’m not. wht not??? *why

Because it’s not like that. I didn’t mean to see him.

but u wanted to u wanted to see him right??

It’s not like that. We’re not like that.

but u want to be I don’t want to talk about it. Her next message is just a picture, one of those inspirational quotes that she’s so fond of. It reads: Everything you want is on the other side of fear. The paper is grey and the frame is black, stark against the white wall. It’s very aesthetic, very Andrea, and very much not what I want to think about right now.  I scowl as I type my response. I’m not scared. She responds with a gif of a laughing duck. alright luv And it’s not what you think. I don’t want Simon. who mentioned wanting simon ths isnt about wanting simon Andrea. i didnt bring up wanting simon u brought up wanting god baz stop talking about wanting simon all the time its embarrassing ur better than thsi grosd *gross baz baz basil dont be scared basil basilton bazzybazzybazzy i know ur reading these philippa says i need to leave you alone now oh she just took her top off what a clever distraction

The messages stop after that (thank you Philippa), and I set my phone back on my stomach. The floor isn’t the most comfortable place to lie down, but I can’t bring myself to get on the bed. It’s bad enough that I have to sleep there, in the ancient four-poster, with its dark red canopy, and gargoyles. (An excessive amount of gargoyles, really.)

I’m weighing up the pros and cons of sleeping on the floor when I feel a new message coming through. I snort and pick it up to tease Andrea about finishing too quickly—except it’s not from her.

I didn’t even know Simon still had my number, if I’m honest, and my heart is pounding in my ears as I read his words.

If I answer this, if I say yes, then we’ll cross the line from casual-friends-who-bump-into-each-other-sometimes to Friends Who Text, and there’ll be no going back—not without the potential for fallout. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I even want to do. My hands are shaking so badly that I can feel my phone beginning to slip from my grasp.

Everything you want is on the other side of fear. I take a deep breath, curse Andrea for jinxing me, and reply.

chapter three 

[fgiggl3sx2]

I want to fucking scream. I want to fucking cry. I want to fucking disappear. Why does all this keep happening? I feel i will never be good enough for you. I do things not thinking or knowing that it could possibly mess things up for us. I have never gone through this before, i never been with someone who gets pissed off with me because i deleted pictures of myself because i find them ugly or i just dont like it. It sucks because of the fact i didnt tell you all the trust is gone. It sucks that i downloaded messenger to check something cause i assumed you was using it i cant be trusted because i didnt tell you. youre right i dont think of these things because to be honest ive never had to do any of this before so its hard for me to keep up everything just to make you happy and for you to be at ease but some how i always manage to fuck it up without meaning too. And even if i explain myself and tell you the truth and the why behind it.. its too late because you already feel the way you feel and its not fair to me because im literally doing nothing wrong. And you still feel im talking to someone but how? You have all my information you can clearly see what i do and who i talk too. So because i dont remember old information i cant be trusted? You dont remember old and newer information but i trust your word behind it but because of what i did when it came to jeff its different right? Which isnt fair. It sucks that you always search for things in my past, yeah i did it in the beginning which i shouldnt have. But why are you doing it now? Its not right, but of course you are going to use that against me and make me feel like shit always. Any little thing i do you always make me feel like shit for it. It sucks, it sucks that im walking on fucking eggshells with you, because it seems like anything i do is wrong in your eyes when all i been trying to do is fix myself and us. Its gotten to the point where i question if you even love me anymore? Are you looking for reasons to just not love me anymore or to not care anymore? Are you looking for reasons to try and leave or just not give a shit about our relationship because it will be easier for you? ... I took a break from typing.. but here’s a random question you ever took a shower and then just put your hands on your ears and just let out a silent scream. i swear i was there just silently screaming for a good 2mins under the water with tears running down my face. i had the strongest fucking urge to cut myself like i just needed too.. instead i was just scratching at my chest i promised him i would never harm myself again but fuck do i want too. I hate this i truly hate this, i hate how im feeling its too much i feel myself exploding from it all. I ended up giving you proof because you feel that all i do is keep lying to you when im not i tell you the truth about it all but dont give EXACT detail. Why do i have to apply that i had to log into mine to click on your profile if i wasnt even viewing my own.. think of it as a detour you just pass through  a different way but you dont actually stop anywhere .. i didnt stop to view who messaged me i could care fucking less who messaged me but you dont understand that.. and oh look you found another reason to not want to trust me “how ironic” as you would say. Then assume i deleted shit when i didnt and if i did on fb it would tell you if i did or not. The messages you were thinking of was on instagram but because you dont want to believe it because you are uncertain im still a liar? And then you go and assume i would unblock him what fucking for? i have everything i need and want right in from of me which is you!! Why is it that you cant make any mistakes why is it only me? Like obviously you made a mistake but whatever i will take the blame for that one too because fuck it, im already at fault for everything else.Then we are going to bring up the cheating message there is so many different forms of cheating doesnt mean its right because its not cheating in any form is cheating. Me seeing someone behind your back is a form of cheating even if i didnt physically do anything with that person, but because i knew she liked me it was wrong of me to hang out with her. The only person i physically did that too was Guillo. But after him everyone else cheated on me and i felt i was in the wrong for hanging out with her knowing i shouldnt even though they already cheated on me.. i will always blame myself for everything because obviously i did something wrong for them to cheat on me right? It all stopped when i met Ryan though. He changed me in many ways and to be a better person i then knew what i wanted in a relationship and i knew i wanted to be married one day and to settle down so that was my goal in life. So when i say i use bad choice of words sometimes i really fucking do at times. Shit when i was with ryan i felt bad for even doing stuff with my baby daddy at times even if it was for chance. Thats how much i changed.. and when we cross paths again is when you met the changed me. And i fell so fucking hard for you and i already fucked up once. I dont know why you feel that i would EVER want to fucking do it again. HELL NO, i want to be your wife i would never cheat on you!! Im sorry it feels like endless lies but i did fix that but when im under pressure i fuck up soo much that i tend to ruin everything and i hate that about myself. I never been more sure of someone like you before. i never tried so hard in a relationship before either.. like when jessica said i came along way believe that because i really fucking did. i do things for you i would never do.. i didnt even do with ryan like give all my info to you and have you forever be able to read my texts. i would never do that for anybody i would tell them to fuck right off to trust me. i know its not easy trusting me right now because i keep fucking up my words and doing everything poorly because we simply think differently. But doesnt mean i wont keep pushing and trying. I just dont want you to give up on me because i know in person it was soo much easier for us it was and you KNOW THAT. I just hope you can make it up that long. and i hope you still want to be my Husband Brandon because i want to be the best wife you ever had.. and i want to be your wife. and i will continue to change and improve us and myself. for better or for worse. I hope you dont take this message as another fight because i dont have anymore fight left in me. I still cant stop crying.. you dont have to respond to this message at all. Just please ... Will you stay? Will you continue to fight? Most importantly ... Will you marry me? </3 

[ts-hvv4]

EPISODE EIGHT: “MERGE! Oh bitch how tasty” - Kurt

So after Trent walked there was silence for a long time, and an announcement came out (well two). The first was the Trent announcement (RIP we will avenge you!) At the bottom it announced he was the first member of the JURY! This excites me for three reasons. First off, I never made jury on my original season in Easter Island because I won and during my second season (darksided Generations) I was a self proclaimed (with heavy delusion) pre jury robbed goddess. The second reason that I almost shit my corduroys that jury stage was here was because if I was a pre merge juror, I would not under ANY circumstance vote for someone’s game I did not see. I also know Trent is personally rooting for original Armonia villains which is a vote in my pocket if I end up at the end. My final reason that I was excited was that I was happy that Trent got to participate in the jury stage because he deserves it. He played a phenomenal pre merge game and I’m happy he gets to at least have a say in the winner, regardless of the outcome.

I was getting to my other point, the second announcement came minutes later....MERGE! Oh bitch how tasty. I was stoked because we’re officially at that point. It’s also a little scary because there’s only five original Armonia left with Trent going. I’m also scared because I know Andreas and I have bad blood from Easter Island when my alliance bullied him all season long. I have a lot of ass kissing to do and I hope I have some good acting skills because this is going to be a chore. Actually the more I think about it, the only bright side of merge is that we’re that much closer to making it to the end. Oh and NED. Hydra is reunited and oh it feels good.

MERGE!! Yes! I’m so happy, and better yet—the people I wanted out most are gone! Olivia, Keegan and Trent. They were all coming for my head, and I LOVE they left one by one. That’s karma for you. Don’t get me wrong, I like/love them all on a personal level, but game wise I’m so happy they’re gone and I’m glad Trent is fine. Now I’m meeting the final batch of people. Sarah I already know but I need to catch up with her! Nikolas unless he’s just not there is online and hasn’t responded in an hour or so, but he was cool to talk to. Lukas and Matt however I do like the most right now! Matt I feel I’m connecting with a bit and same with Lukas. Kurt and Sharifa I still feel connected to, but Kurt said he can’t trust anybody right now due to what was going on, and him and sharifa were feeling me in on everything. Basically Olivia’s antics with going after me really messed her and her group up and it got her caught with her strategy like I knew she’d get caught eventually. I peeped her and Trent way before the curve, mainly because they were that fucking obvious. Jake I have to KEEP my eye on. Because they said he was upset with Olivia going but he’s saying he heard what Olivia was trying and was happy she’s gone. So imma have to feel him out but for now I think he’s lying due to what I’ve heard. As for the heroes I love them all and I really hope we stick together or they’ll just pick us all off. And that I don’t want to happen. At all. And I just hope for once I can chill and not have my name thrown, but you never know. This could be the start to a very messy round. I usually sleep late but I might sleep early because I feel I might be getting sick and I know as soon as I take this medicine I’ll be drowsy so we’ll see!!

Whew Chile... what a moment yesterday was. So the morning after me sharifa and kurt are plotting to blindside Sarah, I see that kurt called w nicklas and downplayed our relationship which nicklas didn’t buy but wasn’t too shaded by it. But I decided to tell sharifa and kurt that I know nicklas so they trust him more Which resulted in kurt going AWFF thinking that his game was ruined or something? Idk i was shaking but we talked it out and he was calm Then the plan for Sarah gets scrapped because trent decides to quit! It sucked because he would be a number for us, but it’s best to respect his wishes.... So trent goes and then we MERGE. Lord help me. I ain’t ready for this shit S O S

We merged....... im so happy because i could not stay on the heroes for much longer. We were getting too small and it was scary honestly. Of the 12 people in the game, there's 3 I haven't played this season with yet, which isn't terrible! I'm not meeting a bunch of people. I've also had a lot happening in my personal life so that's been impacting my ability to interact. One thing that is noteworthy is that Ned, Sarah, and I have reunited finally and we are about to run this game !!!!! Let it be KNOWN!!!

So these are my thoughts on everyone: Sarah: Love her, would die for her, we are co-winning this game together with Ned. Ned: Love him, would die for him, we are co-winning this game together with Sarah. Chris: So I know I've been 'working with him' but I don't trust him because I think he's a lot closer to Malik then I think. He is good for my game but I'm only working with him because I need to. Dennis: Similarly to Chris, I am only working with him because I need to. I think he might be reading into that more then Chris is... but I could be wrong. I think he presents as more of a target then me. Malik: I think he would turn on me if it meant saving his ass. But I think he's an asset to have around because people are mad with him. Lukas: I like him, he's funny and nice. I haven't been able to play with him alot because of the swap but hopefully we can. Nicklas: I think he's very smart as a former winner, so I am careful but I think we have a decent enough connection. Matt: Me and Matt are both playing each other and it's the funniest thing ever LOL.... anyways he's smart and will shoot himself in the butt for it. Jake: Don't know him much but I heard he is a snake so I want him OUT. Sharifa: SO DANGEROUS !! I think she's really dangerous but a good ally to have around maybe (?). I have a lot of respect for her coming back and being her true self so that's very empowering. Kurt: So the thing about Kurt was we played before but I wasn't really worried about that.... but I have found out from multiple sources that he worried about that. And no amount of me talking to him has changed that? So looks like I am now worried about that? UGHH Anyways this merge should be fun.... i just want single digits 

Okay so we merged and yeah now I’m feeling really grateful to have made it to this point, jokes aside. I am really grateful to have had the opportunity to not only play with Sharifa again but get to know her as a person so much deeper. She is such an admirable person and she really touches my heart. I know I’m sappy about her a lot but she truly is one of my closest friends in my real life.

The way my current relationships stand right now is ranked (w/ reasoning as so)   1.   Sharifa (duh) 2. Jake (my fellow f@ggot) 3. Ned (boy you lucky for Hydra) 4. Lukas (he thinks he’s my #1, I love him tho) 5. Malik (as much as I know his act is a facade, he thinks were close so) 6. Nicklas (we had a good talk and basically compared notes, very intelligent) 7. Matt (neutral, I trust him a bit to stay villain strong but only for so long) 8. Sarah (same feelings as I have toward Matt) 9. Andreas (we spoke and I apologized and he accepted, progress people) 10. Chris (seems friendly enough but Ned told me he has an idol so kinda sketch) 11. Dennis (hard to read, nice enough but know he’s heroes strong) & HOSTS 1. Nicole (my fav host sorry boys) 2. Owen (picks up the slack) 3. Andrew (quality humour but our fight sis :( ) 4. Monty (idk her....bc she’s intern & not around much) Love y’all ❤️

So Jake came clean to Sharifa and myself about having a relationship with Nicklas. This raises serious red flags for us because it’s like we’ve been questioning if Jake is truly with us or not this entire time and have wanted to believe he was. He claims he is closer with us and Nicklas is just the equivalent to like my Lukas. Sure, that’s a fair comparison, but the difference is that I told The Cock Destroyers about Lukas. Nicklas was Jake’s best and worst kept secret. Now I’m second guessing everything I say to him but I still want to truly believe we are sisters till the end. If he fucks us over I will be absolute heartbroken. Like, he’s my amigas cheetah.

Of the four newest people I’ve met, I feel the most connected to Lukas and slightly Matt. Nicklas before comes on or messages and Sarah only messages a couple of times and then vanishes. She’s someone I also know so I could use that bond but idk if I can trust her yet or not. The only one I feel I can trust atm is lukas but I’ll have to see how that goes.

Malik is a lot. I play along with most of his flirtation and advances but it’s solely to get myself in his good graces to ensure I have a loyal ally and someone looking out for me. It’s also because I made the mistake of purposely approaching him and almost like lead him on. Now he’s so attached and I can’t for the sake of my game just be like “not really into it please stop”. And I know there’s other boys who are uncomfortable by it too. Unfortunately right now he is our Phillip and we have to keep him around for now....Fuck im so mean. I make him sound so bad, he’s actually fine, I’m just a huge asshole and Malik when you see this I’m sorry dude.

K i guess i should update you When we swapped i connected with matt and sharifa the most Hated trent bc he tried to spread my name but we decided to vote kage out bc hes crazy-anyways now that we have merged sharifa wants to form some fucking majority alliance with the villains since we have majorty Only thing is that i like chris and dennis ALSO andreas, ned and I are in a f3 together and they know I have the idol. So anyways this isnt gonna work, i need to play secret spy but its gonna be hard deceiving sharifa. I got her to confide in me that she has the idol and I told her i have the idol as well -i regret telling her Also andreas and ned told me chris has the idol so im 100% certain the 3 of us know where all the idols are. Anyways, this is messy, im still a bitch and I need to figure something out. Wish me luck bitches ‘

I don’t like Matt anymore. He keeps reading my private messages and is talking in main chat and isn’t saying much or a word or reacted to me or anything. So I feel like he’s going to try to message me once immunity is over and I’m going to just roll my eyes and laugh so hard. I thought the guy was cool, but I spoke too soon. I did feel like something was off from the gate anyways with his first responses. I just won’t message him until he messages me but rn the only villain I like from the other tribe is Lukas. Sarah step it up sis I wanna say positive things about you!! On the other hand, Teen Titans all think we’re in trouble, so I’m thinking about snatching Kurt since he doesn’t trust anyone from his tribe and see how that goes. I would do Sharifa too, but I feel she’s likely connected with the others. But if I leave her out of a vote she could very well not trust me anymore. But the only original tribe members I trust are Ned and Kurt. And I trust the Teen Titans, we just need one more number incase they come for us. Maybe rocks I see?!

Sarah says something after I mention that she hasn’t been too talkative? Hmmm

Looking at the merge, I am PUMPED and NERVOUS and ready to LOSE! A lot of different scenarios can play out here- Heroes vs Villains prevail or Armonia vs Molysmeno. I have faith it won't end in the latter, in fact, I suspect lines may be a little blurred, but maybe not in the first tribal council or two. Having that said, a lot of people are surprising me this round in a good way such as Lukas,, Kurt, and Sharifa! Whereas my old pals of Sarah and Matt might have slipped in some people's eyes, I have to keep them in mind when figuring out what happens next. Jake may be targeted but I'm not gonna count on it just yet. All in all, I think I prefer Teen Titans more than Mystery Incorporated because it feels so genuine, but we'll see!

It would seem Malik's talking to Kurt/Lukas on turning on the villains. I'm not too sure how I feel about that. In order to fully trust that, I'd have to look into those 2 actually giving a name instead of wanting us to. Having that said, Dennis does not trust Kurt, Matt is sheeping to avoid 3-peating his merge boot status I suppose, the rest of the villains I guess dropped the whole Ned vote campaigns, and everyone else playing the Waiting Game like time is money so yeah

I do feel it is a little intriguing how the villains are acting coy and facetious when they have a majority, not to mention, hold more people than others. It's pretty telling that this group is pretty passive. Nevertheless, my intentions are to get the scoop and solve this mystery

Guess who is ready to lose their mind ???????????? So Malik is trying to get Kurt and Lukas to vote with the heroes which I know for a fact is not happening because Sarah told me that Kurt said that wasn't going to happen. Now im going to call Kurt because he's being shady and says he wants to vote the villains ? Kurt WHAT ARE YOU DOING

My goddddddd. I hate this merged tribe. The smart thing to do would be to stick to the villain numbers, but I know each villain has like 20 connections each outside of the villain tribe. I don’t like Andreas. He is fake to me. Idk why. I’m working so hard on making Malik like me, but he’s sketchy too. I love Dennis but I don’t think he loves me that much. Ned is a ghost. As of now I’m just going to sit back and let people handle this shit without me. I don’t think I’ll be the target if the heroes seize control, so that’s good. Shall be interesting.

Just got off my hour long call with Kurt and I felt good about it, I think we can trust each other. But then DENNIS messages lukas and sends a lie to him that Malik getting Lukas and Kurt is a ploy??? WTF ???? What is happening right now

Remember when I said I was going to lose my mind? YUP thats still happening. just about to hop on call with sharifa to show im willing to work with the crazy villains

Honestly? This vote sucks ass. As mentioned in the video, Nicklas was nice enough to tell me whats "actually" going on and I honestly feel like its best to just let it happen, because no matter what. One of my allies goes home. Either crackhead Malik, who has a big heart and is just trying his best, or  big heart chris who shared his idol with apparently the entire world and has to pay the price for it. I've been contemplating about this for the past 3.5 hrs and idk, as bad as this sounds, it just feels like it is better to not properly warn him. I've tried to give him hints that something isn't up or right tonight, but I can only do so much to hopefully not completely crucify my game. Of course there is the chance that I am actually the one who is going home or they are trying to send ned home anyways and bait an idol like that, but idk. I don't know why Nicklas would lie to me, when I am a valuable number to him. IF I survive I just need to start over and get my social game going properly. If you read this Chris and you actually went home tonight, I am heartbroken and sad, I would've gone as deep as possible with you and Andreas too, if he wasn't close to others aswell.

Im getting this weird feeling in my stomach that the tribal won't go as planned. Malik has gotten really quiet, and when he does that it normally means he is mad. I'm not surprised and honestly if someone didn't run their mouth I'd be surprised. Maybe I am the one going home ?? Who knows

It's gotten like wild quiet? Am i going home ? Randomly really nervous