#it just felt very nice like it made me think of being a mom someday

[blessthishouse]

Got to see my grandma today, life is good

[joeys-babe]

Someday We’ll Be Together

Chapter 14: October 1st

————————————————————————-

(y/n's pov)

Joe stayed at the house long enough to eat breakfast with my parents and me before he had to leave to set up for our date.

there were so many kisses shared that morning, it seemed neither of us could get enough of the other. my parents didn't seem to mind at all either, in fact, they thought the opposite. they could tell Joe made me so happy and that's all they wanted, to see me happy.

my parents, plus pretty much everyone around us could tell that Joe and I's connection went deeper than "best friends", that being said.. when they found out that Joe confessed and that we were more than friends they were so happy that it finally happened. it felt like a game to them, waiting to see who'd confess first since it seemed inevitable.

even though we had confessed to being "in love" with each other, "I love you" hadn't been said yet. That was going to be a separate occasion.

Joe and I had decided to not reveal our non-official relationship to his parents yet. We'd be doing that tomorrow night in a funny, quirky, very Joe Burrow-style way.

I had just told Joe bye when I walked away from the front door and towards the stairs, my mom was in the kitchen with a smirk on her face as she looked at me.

"He makes you happy, huh?" - your mom

"Extremely happy. My cheeks hurt since I've been smiling for the past 10 hours straight." - you

"That's the best type of pain, honey." - your mom

"I'm starting to understand that." - you

"Do you have any clue what the date entails? Or even where it is?" - your mom

"Uhm.. nope! I'm sure Joe has something nice planned though." - you

"Okay.. you better start getting ready, did Joe tell you what to wear?" - your mom

"You're starting to make me realize that I know nothing about this date." - you

"Then text him!" - your mom laughed

I felt like a teenage girl as I ran up the stairs giggling, and simultaneously pulling my phone out of my pocket.

Instead of texting Joe, I thought it would be easier if I called him so I quickly found his contact. Since last night it has been changed to "Joey💕". Crazy how the day before yesterday I had him blocked, and now there's a heart by his name.

Joe answered in less than two rings, his deep beautiful voice ringing through the phone causing a blush on my cheeks.

"Miss me already, baby?" - Joe

His cheerful tone of voice made it easy to picture the expression that was probably on his face right now. A war-ending grin on those perfect lips that I loved.

"That too. But, I was calling because I need to know some details about our date." - you

"Ask away." - Joe

"What do I need to wear? Where is it? What time-" - you

"y/n, sweetheart chill out. You can wear whatever, I'm wearing sweats. I'm picking you up so don't worry about a place and I'll prob be over at your house at 6." - Joe

"Okay sounds good. I can't wait." - you

"Me neither. I've been thinking about this night for probably a decade." - Joe

"Me too, I'll see you in a couple of hours?" - you

"Yup, I'll see you then. Bye, beautiful." - Joe

"See ya later, Joey." - you giggled

When the tone sounded through my phone speaker letting me know that Joe had hung up, I fell back onto my bed. Butterflies swarmed through my stomach as my cheeks heated up; feeling more loved than ever before.

*time skip*

"do I look okay??" - you

It was currently 5:55, just five minutes before Joe would be picking me up for our date and I was standing by the front door as my mom helped with any finishing touches.

For my outfit, I opted for a pair of baggy jeans and an oversized graphic sweatshirt. It was comfy but cute and chic at the same time.

"You look great sweetie. You need to stop worrying though, it's just Joe." - your mom

"Sure it might just be Joe. But I still want to impress him! I've waited so long for this night, Mom. I want everything to be perfect." - you

"Everything will be perfect if you stop stressing!" - your mom

I went to open my mouth to utter a rebuttal but the ringing of the doorbell beat me to it.

My mom gave me an encouraging smile as I reached for the doorbell but hesitated to open it.

"You got this." - your mom

I nodded and quickly opened the door, Joe's gaze lifted from his shoes to my face. As he did so, the large smile that I adored made its way onto his face.

Joe was wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt; a simple combo that made him look so complexly handsome.

We just stood staring at each other for a few seconds, we didn't know what to do.

"Oh! Yeah these are for you!" - Joe

Joe moved his hand from behind his back revealing a bouquet of white roses. He handed them off to me as a blush of crimson flushed his cheeks.

"Aww. Joe, I love them. They're so pretty!" - you

"I'm glad you like them. Wanna get going?" - Joe

I nodded and my mom took the flowers from my hand.

"I'll put these in a vase then put them in your room. You two have fun!" - your mom

My mom practically shoved me out of the house before shutting the door behind me, Joe took my hand and led me to his car.

Before I could even reach for the handle, Joe opened my door and once he knew I was comfortably sitting he shut it back.

When Joe started driving a comfortable silence fell over us, our hands intertwined on the center console while music played through the speakers.

"So... where are you taking me??" - you

"It's a surprise. We've been here together before though." - Joe

"Oh really?" - you

"Yup, as kids. Don't look in the backseat by the way it'll give away everything that I have planned." - Joe

I nodded but when we were at a red light I couldn't help but peak. Joe immediately noticed and let go of my hand, he grabbed my chin gently and moved my gaze to him.

"No peaking!" - Joe

I laughed at Joe's pouty expression and before I knew it he was pulling me by my chin to connect our lips.

It was such a sweet kiss, Joe's lips were soft on mine with a hint of possessiveness. A silent promise that I was his.

The only thing that made us pull away from each other was the light turning green.

"I don't think I could ever get tired of kissing you." - Joe

"Good, because I could never get tired of kissing you either." - you

Ten minutes later Joe was pulling onto a dirt road that felt familiar but not significant.

"Backroads? Are gonna kill me?" - you laughed

"No ma'am. Not after I just got you all to myself. Maybe in a couple of months." - Joe joked

"Oh shut up!" - you

"I'm just playing, baby." - Joe

"I know you are Joey." - you

When Joe parked up in the grass and helped me out of the car, the sight my eyes landed on took my breath away.

"I hope you like it..." - Joe

There was a red checkered blanket laid out on this grassy hill that had a beautiful field view. A white sheet was hung between two trees and a mini projector was on this upside-down wicker basket. On the blanket was another folded blanket, two pillows, with candles scattered around the perimeter.

"It isn't the most romantic first date ever but I did try to make it something you wouldn't forget." - Joe

I felt tears well up in my eyes, happy tears of course. This was the sweetest thing a guy, or anyone really, had ever done for me.

When I turned to face Joe I watched panic fall over his face when he saw my teary eyes.

"Joe. It's perfect. I love it." - you

"Really?" - Joe smiled

"Yes, it's so sweet and so romantic." - you

Joe laced his fingers with mine and led me over to the blanket, my heart filled with so much love as we got closer to it.

"You can go ahead and get comfortable, I'm gonna grab the food from my car." - Joe

"Okay!" - you plopped down on the blanket

Joe had to chuckle, you looked so cute and he was oh so in love with you and everything about you. Being in your presence alone had him melting.

He returned shortly with the picnic basket of snacks, the pizza, and the cooler of drinks.

Joe spread everything out before sitting down beside me.

"Okay, so I tried to think about all your favorite things. Everything I thought of, I bought. We can eat the picnic snacks first then eat pizza." - Joe

"Sounds perfect!" - you

Joe grabbed the picnic and started getting things out. When he pulled out red grapes I decided to play a little prank on him.

"Uh Joe, I like green grapes." - you

His neck snapped so fast in my direction as a worried look appeared on his face.

"What? Since when? I was sure it was the red ones you liked-" - Joe

"I'm kidding Joey!" - you placed a hand on his shoulder as you laughed

"Oh. I was worried I messed something up already." - Joe

"I assure you that you won't mess anything up, we've been here five minutes and I've already cried." - you laughed

"Those were happy tears right?" - Joe

"Major happy tears." - you

Joe smiled as I leaned forward and pecked his perfect lips. When we pulled away he kissed my cheek and continued sitting everything out on the blanket.

"Hey, what's the projector for?" - you

"I planned to watch the sunset, but I was worried that the sunset might be underwhelming. So if it is, we've got a movie to watch instead." - Joe

"Woah, Joe you've thought about everything haven't you?" - you

"I've run every possible situation through my head and adapted. There is no way this is getting messed up." - Joe

"That's sweet of you." - you grinned

"I try." - joe smiled

"C'mere, lay with me. You should start the movie and we can eat our snacks." - you

Joe scooted over on the blanket carefully to not bunch it up and laid down next to me.

"What movie you wanna watch?" - Joe

"It's October so how about a Halloween movie? Not a horror movie of course since you are scared of them." - you

"I'm not scared of them, y/n! I just don't like them!" - Joe

"Sure, Joe." - you laughed

"I didn't come here to get made fun of." - Joe

I laughed as I laid my head on his shoulder and threw an arm over him.

"Sorry, babe." - you

"You know, I love when you call me that and baby." - Joe

"Well, I love calling you them." - you

Joe leaned down and pressed a kiss onto my lips before sitting up to open a box.

"Chocolate-covered strawberry?" - Joe

"Ooh! Yes, please!" - you

He leaned down on his elbow to where he was hovering over me and led the strawberry to my mouth. My hand found its way onto his chest, just wanting to remain in contact with him.

"Good?" - Joe

"Mhm, they're really good. Hand me one, it's your turn." - you

Joe handed me a chocolate-covered strawberry and I leaned up a little bit to guide it towards his perfect lips.

"Mmm, those are good!" - Joe

"What else do you have? I'm feeling something savory." - you

"We can have the pizza." - Joe suggested

"Oh yeah!" - you

Joe grabbed the two plates he brought and handed me one, along with a few napkins.

He was hesitantly reaching for the pizza box and for a second I wondered why he was seemingly nervous all of a sudden, he seemed fine up till now.

I watched Joe place the box between us before he slowly opened it. When he did his eyes immediately traced off to mine, and that's when I realized why he was nervous.

Written in pepperoni said, "Be My GF?" 

Joe was silently freaking out, scared he asked too soon, worried about what you're answer would be, or if it was a lame way to ask such a big thing.

You on the other hand felt like you were on cloud nine. This was such a Joe way of asking you to be his girlfriend and you found it sweet and so endearing. It was perfect and quirky, just like Joe.

While you were swooning over the proposal, answering the question seemed to have slipped your mind. When you're eyes finally met Joe’s and he seemed frantic you realized you hadn't answered his question yet.

"Of course, I'll be your girlfriend!" - you

Joe’s once-nervous expression turned lit up with excitement as he leaned forward to crash his lips onto mine.

My hand cupped Joe’s cheek as I held him as close as I could get him, his lips rough on mine.

When Joe and I pulled away from each other huge smiles were plastered on our faces.

“So, I'm your boyfriend…” - Joe

“I’m your girlfriend…” - you

We looked at each other for a second before erupting into nervous giggles. It was almost as if our teenage selves came back for a second.

A few minutes later we had calmed down and got comfortable on the blanket. Joe got Hocus Pocus playing and we were cuddled up eating our pizza, stealing kisses after bites, and feeding each other snacks now and then.

The sunset didn't disappoint and neither did the view of it.

It seemed as if life couldn't get any better than it was at that moment. I was watching one of my favorite Halloween movies, and eating my favorite snacks, all while cuddling up to my boyfriend.

“Joey?” - you

Still lying on his shoulder, I rubbed his chest to get his attention.

“Yup?” - Joe

“Thank you for all of this. This was the best first date ever and I've loved every second of it. I'm so happy to finally call myself yours.” - you

“You’re so welcome, baby. I'm glad you've enjoyed it because I have as well.” - Joe

Sadly once the sun had set and the movie ended shortly after, it was time for us to leave.

Joe told me to head back to the car while he gathered everything up saying he didn't want me to get cold without the blankets.

Even while I was alone and Joe was putting stuff in the backseat, I couldn't stop smiling.

Today had been so perfect; waking up next to Joe, having breakfast with him, and then having the best date possible to end the night.

I wasn't without Joe for very long and when he got in the car he slipped his hand onto my leg as he turned onto the main road.

“My girl.” - Joe squeezed your leg

You had smiled at the gesture just thinking he was reminding you of his presence but in all honesty he just wanted to say it out loud to see if it would feel any more real to him. He couldn't believe it, the girl he'd had a crush on since high school was his girlfriend. She felt the same way about him that he felt about her and it was so surreal to him.

It was silent in the car, not an awkward silence but a little too quiet for Joe’s liking so he went to shuffle his usual playlist.

“Aye! We listened to your music the last time we were in the car. It's my turn.” - you

“Whatever you want, babe.” - Joe laughed

I connected my phone and shuffled my everyday playlist, a content smile on my face when “we fell in love in october” was the first song that played.

It hit me that it was October 1st. This song felt a little personal now that Joe and I started dating in October.

“This is kinda our song now…” - you

“Well. We started dating in October, I don't remember what month it was when I fell in love with you a few years ago.” - Joe smiled

————————————————————————-

Authors note: this chapter has me feeling REALLLLLLLL single.

Hope you enjoyed! ❤️

[7ndipity]

Stargazing (Serendipity Teaser)

Jimin x Reader

Summary: A glimpse of you and Jimin's relationship as roommates.

Warnings: Implied bi!jimin, not proofread

A/N: I'm very excited to finally be able to share another preview for a series that I've been debating about writing for almost a year that will be starting next month, Serendipity! The main series will center around Namjoon, Jimin and Jungkook, but I hope to eventually expand it to include all the members. I'll be posting more details later this week, I hope you'll like it! 💜

Masterlist Serendipity M.list (tba)

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

Jimin dragged himself through the front door with a loud sigh, being met with the sound of mario kart from the living room.

“Hey, how was your date?” You asked, not looking up from your game as he wandered in.

“Dull.” He dropped his coat over the chair arm before coming to flop down next to you on the sofa with a sigh, laying with his head in your lap.

“No good?”

“Eh, I don’t know. She was nice and all, but it was just kinda blah.”

“I’m sorry, Chim.” You patted his hair soothingly. “What happened to that guy from last month? He seemed nice.”

“Ugh, no! All he talked about was his fitness routine, I think he was just trying to sell me a gym membership.” He shuddered, making you laugh.

“See, this is why I don’t date.” You said.

“That and you’re a hermit.” He smirked.

You shoved a pillow over his face, which he responded to by flailing his arms and yelling dramatically, making you laugh.

“Oh, my mom’s coming over for lunch on Sunday, I thought you might wanna join us?” He said after catching his breath.

“You know your mother hates me.” You remarked.

“She doesn’t hate you, she just doesn’t approve of you.” He responded.

“How is that better?!”

“It’s not, I just wanted to clarify.” He said. “So will you?”

“I don’t know…” You said, delberating.

“Pleeease?” He begged, looking up at you with big eyes.

“Fine.” You relented.

“Thank you!” He rolled over, hugging you tightly.

“Wait, what time is it?” You asked suddenly.

“Uh, 10:44, why-?”

“We gotta go to the roof!” You exclaimed, rolling him off your lap and scrambling to your feet.

“Why?”

“There’s a meteor shower in 7 minutes, hurry!” You said as you yanked on your coat over your sweats.

“But I just-”

“Roof now!” You dashed out the door.

Reluctantly, he followed after you, lagging behind on the stairwell up to the roof access door.

By the time he emerged into the cold, you were already perched in your usual place on one of the old folding beach chairs that the neighbors left up there, head back as you scanned the sky intently.

Slowly, he took his seat next to you, his gaze lingering on you rather than the display overhead.

He loved seeing you like this, face illuminated by the moon, literal and metaphorical stars shining in your eyes; you looked positively ethereal.

It was moments like this that he adored, despite the bitter chill, just getting to witness your joy and enthusiasm over the most random things made his heart swell with so much love for you that he wanted nothing more than to kiss you untill he couldn’t breath.

Except he couldn’t do that, because you were just friends.

God, he hated that word, it tasted bitter and metallic on his tongue. He wanted so badly to tell you how he truly felt, but the risk of potentially ruining one of the most important relationships he’d ever had was too big to ignore.

“What is it?” You asked suddenly, catching him staring.

“Nothing.” He said, quickly turning his attention to the sky.

Maybe he would tell you someday, but for now he would content himself with this.

For now.

[writhe]

7 years. the day always sneaks up on me

it’s always hard and i’m always fragile. i usually feel tired or achey or sore. i was worried going into today. i feel like i always fail to safety plan or anything but grief is weird in that if i try to plan around it it makes a show of never being cathartic enough. i don’t know what asks to make of people. i don’t know how to prove that the wound is deep enough

i wasn’t sure what to expect but i feel like, in a very beautiful way, i was reminded of the connections and love i have in this life

called Olive, we laughed, we talked, and very little about grief felt too heavy to bear.

a friend stopped by this morning. i was still undressed and in the middle of unpacking / cleaning. i didn’t expect to hang out but we did for an hour or so and talked about some things i hoped we would someday (but was worried we might not get the chance). it was a nice break, a nice change of pace, and it was so nice to see them. there’s not always closure on everything, but you’re less alone in your hurt than you think sometimes. i’ve missed them. there’s a lot of things i feel the absence of in my life right now & just this today made everything ache a little less

I walked Halliwell. I called my dad and my grandma.

franklin came by and we talked about the book i picked out for him and then we, for an hour or two, looked at some of the scrapbooks my mom made for me. my housemate hung around too. it was intensely vulnerable to share the ways she loved me, but i felt so happy too. i can’t believe how lucky i was. i’m glad other people can get glimpses of it sometimes

another friend is heading southwest for the winter in her van. we had her birthday party and i got to host it. friends i’ve known for years came out and i felt so good. i felt like i couldn’t stop smiling. it was very striking. i slow myself down sometimes and i make myself just look at the people around me & think how lucky i am to be in the same place as them right now. to look at them, see them breathe, see them laugh. most people in this world don’t get to see my friends like this. i get to behold them & i get so see something so rare and magic

I was very, very loved by someone once. i will never get her back, but i think she would love the love i get to know now

[theghostofashton]

1, 8, 11, 18, and 24 :)

thank you :)

the last sentence you wrote

from the olympics au:

Carlos Reyes, son of Andrea and Gabriel, and arguably, the Reyes he’s spent the most time looking at.

8. if you had to write a sequel to a fic, you’d write one for…

for the longest time it was the you saw the truth in me verse and i did write that, but i've also toyed around with writing a sequel to made up of a thousand scars, something that checks in with them a few years later to see where they are in their lives, how tk's navigated his recovery, etc. this feels a little more like an au to me with very loose ties to canon so i'd love to explore things like what tk ends up doing for work and what his life looks like, years out of rehab

11. a WIP you’d like to finish someday

this feels a little like cheating because it isn't posted but i think my exes to lovers fic. it's basically shelved at this point until i can kind of figure out where i want to go with it but it's such a special fic and i really want to eventually finish it and post it

18. if you keep them, share a deleted sentence or paragraph from a published fic

i have an entire document of deleted scenes from you saw the truth in me, i'll post one at the end!

24. how do you recharge when you’re not feeling creative?

answered here!

deleted scene under the cut - one of the things i worried about with this fic was it sounding too soapbox-y. that was always going to happen, but i felt like this scene was too on the nose and i couldn't figure out how to fix it, so it got cut

“It makes sense,” Carlos says. “I can’t even imagine what that must be like. To have people talking about you all the time and not being able to control what they’re saying or defend yourself. It sounds exhausting.”  

“You know,” TK says faintly. “You’re the first person to tell me that.”  

“What, that it’s exhausting?”  

“Yeah.” TK shrugs again, chuckling humorlessly. “Most people just think it’s part of the job, something I have to just deal with, and they’re right, but…” He shakes his head. “Everything gets loud sometimes, you know? And I couldn’t say anything because I’d get called ungrateful. I was so lucky to be where I was that I wasn’t allowed to be anything but happy about it.”  

Carlos thinks back to all of the headlines he’s read, all the anonymous sources about how insufferable and spoiled TK is, how far up his own ass he lives, how he’s so out of touch with reality he doesn’t even care what people say about him anymore. This doesn’t sound like someone who is any of those things. This doesn’t sound like someone who has completely checked out.  

“And I get it,��� TK is saying. “Probably sounds fucked up to hear me complain about my tiring filming schedule when a single mom is working two jobs to feed her kids. I get why people didn’t want to hear it. My life is so hard, I have to wear nice clothes and walk red carpets and spend my time filming movies that are guaranteed to rake in millions. But it’s like- it got to be too much. I didn’t know what to do. I tried so hard.”  

“I don’t think it’s a contest,” Carlos says carefully. “Everyone has their hard days, right? When the world’s too much and you don’t know where to turn. Everyone has them. You’re not a bad person for it. The single mom who works two jobs is in a situation she shouldn’t have to be in, but that wouldn’t change for her if you just didn’t talk about what you were dealing with. That wouldn’t help her.”  

When TK looks back at him, his eyes are a little glassy. “Yeah. Just wish the rest of the world thought that.”

[pbandjesse]

I had a pretty nice day. And we got to end it with our signed contracts and getting the inspections scheduled. It is starting to feel more real and I'm getting to feel a little more excited.

I slept okay but not as well. I had very strange dreams. About exploring the basement of our building and moving and all those things my brain is working though. I let myself wake up naturally again and woke up around 930 and didn't feel amazing but I felt okay.

I had things to do before Naomi and Kim came over. She had texted me asking if I had green fabric and I said I would pull out some cheistmasy fabrics for us.

I would have eggsalad again and would pick up some stuff. I would take a hair drto the tops of my candles to try and fix a few imperfections. This did not work as well as I was hoping but I still think they look great and I'm very proud of them. I'm excited to give them as gifts.

I would do a lot of knitting today. And was able to finish all the pieces for one whole side of the blanket I'm making and I'm thrilled about that. I would do that basically on and off all morning.

I did some cleaning and played with sweetp and just enjoyed being home where it was warm and not outside where it was grey and gross. I encouraged James to take the car to work because of the weather and I'm glad they did because it was gross today and would start raining pretty soon after I got up. It was just grey and sad outside all day. It's still pouring now actually.

Kim would text me a little after 1 when her and Naomi arrived. I came down to get them and Naomi was clearly excited. Rushed right upstairs.

Sweetp was being very friendly and lovey which was really cute. And I love how much Kim and Naomi love him. He would hang with us some of the time they were here but he also would just do his own thing.

We had lot of work today. And that was awesome. I didn't want to be belittling or anything but I wanted to go over some basics and skills that seem really easy but take some skills. Like cutting the fabric and threading the needle but also just using a fabric tape measure. And I was able to go over a bunch of my tools like tailors chalk and pinking sheers and it was fun.

We started with a shirt and that went really well I also had Naomi do a blanket stitch around the collar because it's fleece and it makes it look more finished. And she did an excellent job. We would next use some cotton and I showed her how to sew down the hems first and then attach the pieces and that one would be a little jacket.

Finally we would work on a little scarf for one of the plushies that just has to big of a head. But he looks great! And we were just loving the way this scarf turned out. Honestly I could seriously see all the progression Naomi is making and I was having so much fun showing her everything. And she was able to use the sewing machine almost completely independently. I am thrilled. I hope to show her how to use her own someday!

Her mom was also just really nice to talk to. Kim is very sweet and I told her about the house and she wished us luck and she made me feel a little more excited.

I am still trying to not be to excited but I won't lie, I am excited. I've been saving ideas of painting and furniture and all that fun stuff and I'm just really excited to start figuring things out. I dont want to be disappointed but I don't think I'm going to be. I think it's going to be great.

After they left I would clean up our stuff and would jump into my next project. I heated up some frozen Mac and cheese and started planning out the stand for my fish knife.

I knew I wanted to do a board like a billy bass. But as I was laying it out I was thinking about it being on a plate. And I really ran with that and I love it. It's not done. I want to add something else to the plate but I had so much fun figuring this out.

I even used some modeling paste to create some dimension to the things on the plate and I was just having so much fun over the day. Painting. Then letting it dry. And coming back and forth. And for real, Callie knocked it out of the park it's such a good gift.

I would go back to the couch to continue to knit while I was waiting for the paint to dry. And soon James was home and I was so happy to see them. And they were so sweet when they got home being so lovey. They are very clearly stressed about everything but I was still really happy that they seemed so happy in that moment.

It was decided we needed to go to the grocery store for a few things for the dinner I wanted. James said I didn't need to come with them but I wanted to be with them. And so we headed out into the gross night together.

The grocery store was fine. We got a few fun things. But we stuck to the list for the most part.

While we were checking out Harold called us. And said to check our email because he has great news. His email was so cute with lots of bottle emojis. But the sellers signed the paperwork and we can move forward with the inspection. We are getting an air quality test tomorrow and then on Tuesday afternoon we are getting the home inspection. I'm thrilled. I am excited that we will get to be there so while he's doing his inspection I can be measuring things and looking at specifics like closets and the back "yard" and measuring things. Just being more excited and it's just really fun.

We had some stress after we called Harold back in the car and got some answers about how things will go and what we need to do. He said we needed to wire the money for the deposit over. But we didn't know how to do that so we had some stress when we got home.

We couldn't figure out how to Google it and our banks websites weren't helping. Finally we decided we should just text Harold and he said we can go to our bank in the morning. Excellent thank you Harold.

I had some nachos while James made us some Thai curry rice. Which was really good but I mostly wanted to eat the naan James made which was very very good. Love my James.

They were kind of upset with stress. But we would talk and try to just chill. They had forgotten their laptop cord at work so they used my laptop to watch sports while they painted their nails and I continued to knit and paint.

It has been a really nice night. I washed my hair. And we talked about our Christmas travels. And now we are in bed and it's just nice listening to the rain. I feel happy. Tired and sore but happy.

Tomorrow we have many things to do. We have to go to the bank. James is going to make cookies. I have to go pick something up from awah. We have to go get food gifts. And then we have the Christmas party at the BMI. It's going to be a full day but I think it's going to be fun.

I love you all. Goodnight everyone!

[odysseywritings]

15 Questions

Tagged by @aquadestinyswriting thank you so much!

(Game here is to interview your OCs with these questions and how they might answer. Let's begin!)

Haven: Hey, how's it going?

Interviewer: Hello, Haven. It's a pleasure getting to sit down and talk to you.

Haven: Thanks.

Interviewer: No need to be shy or anxious, just be honest with these questions, and I hope others will get a clearer picture of you.

Haven: Vuhh, huh, yeah.

_-_-_

1. Are you named after anyone?

My birth parents had a friend who died before I was born. He was a rough, surly guy ready to fight anyone, but he was loyal to his loved ones and had a secret soft side. His name was an older thing called "Hvienzda," or Star. I'm glad they made mine more modern. He died saving my mom from a violent mob instigated by the local leader.

2. When was the last time you cried?

I'm not saying that in public.

3. Do you have kids?

I'd like to someday. I want to bring a legacy in this world, show them love, fun, and learning, and have them discover themselves and the universe.

4. Do you use sarcasm?

Not as much as Reina, especially since I come off meaner and more literal than I think. Usually it's for guys too delusional to know it.

5. What's the first thing you notice about people?

How they treat vulnerable people and animals.

6. What's your eye color?

Blue.

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings. If it's a very cheesy B movie, it's fine, but I can't handle the gory ones anymore. I want to see the underdogs get their reward!

8. Any special talents?

The powers, being a monster, that stuff. But I REALLY want to show off my art and creations!

9. Where were you born?

In the mountains of Lucinikov. Lonely town, and I felt self conscious when I wasn't normal or tough enough to fit in, but it felt like a nice barrier from warriors coming in.

10. What are your hobbies?

Creating, petting animals, touching soft things, discovering, anything musical, games, puzzles, getting... loose in the healing waters.

11. Have you any pets?

No, I feel I'm bad luck... I'd rather care for animals when I see 'em.

12. What sports do you play/have played?

Hmm, not a lot of conventional ones. My favorites are using our powers for games, like blasts in moving hoops, or fencing to get the other out the ring. Reina wants to keep wrestling with me for some reason... Oh, I also like Chessball.

13. How tall are you?

4 Glumgloons tall.

14. Favorite subject in school?

Arts or science. Anything to get my mind going and doing something.

15. Dream job?

Hmm... A, uh... A freelance scientist / artist / protector of the unprotected / dancing sensation / scavenger hunt master / first real life puppet!

-_-_-

Tagging: @avrablake @ayzrules @blind-the-winds @bloodlessheirbyjacques @howdywrites @perringwrites @pluttskutt

[redheadbigshoes]

Hey Stephanie, that other anon speaking about her mom made me want to just sort of vent/ask about my own parent. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about a year, and I’m so happy with them. They’re my first serious relationship and by far I’ve felt more attracted to them than any other person. Before her, I’ve only ever had “crushes” or “dated” guys (who usually turned out to be queer in some way, and whom I never kissed or was physical with). I should mention that I’m 20 and living at home, also.

I’ve identified solidly as bisexual for a couple years now, but since dating my girlfriend, I’ve been seriously questioning whether or not I’m actually attracted to men at all. I’m not repulsed by the idea of sex with a man, but I wouldn’t say they turn me on and I have never related to cishet women’s descriptions of their attraction to men. Currently I kind of go back and forth, and I’m not solid on either label, but I’m not looking to have any sexual experiences beyond my relationship with my girlfriend so it’s not really relevant except for my own peace of mind.

Anyway, my parents are not religious, but I was terrified of coming out because my dad is more of a traditional type. He has lesbian friends and has no problem with gay or queer people usually, but I ended up coming out before I felt ready because I was talking to him about going to lunch the next day with my current girlfriend (who was then just a friend I had a crush on), and he said it sounded like a date. Things ended up getting and staying heated for quite a while, and though he didn’t stop me from dating her, it was clear he wasn’t exactly supportive.

This situation is complicated because I feel very confused and conflicted. He’s pointed out how much worse I could have it when we watch movies where the parents are not exactly supportive of their queer kids (i.e. Everything Everywhere All At Once) without realizing that he’s acted like them. He has at times been very kind and supportive, but then will say things like he hopes I’ll grow up and find a nice boyfriend someday, and how sad he is, and other hurtful things. He doesn’t understand how I could possibly not know if I’m bisexual or a lesbian, and views my potential bisexuality as a way for him to hope that I’ll find a man. If I am a lesbian, I’m scared to come out again and probably won’t want to.

It’s less of a burden now than it was when I first came out and started dating my girlfriend, and I mostly brush off these comments when they happen, but when I’ve tried to talk to him about how hurtful some of the things he has said are he says that I’m not allowing him to have his feelings and that I’m in the wrong because “if somebody doesn’t react the way you (I) want them to,” then they’re not “right” or something. I’m fine with him having his feelings, and he’s doing his best, but I can’t deny how hurtful this whole process has been to me at times. Is it worth trying to talk to him about this at this point? Should I just leave it alone? And if I do decide that lesbian suits me as an identity, do you think it would be worth it to risk undoing progress we’ve made in the past year?

Thank you and apologies for writing an essay in your inbox ❤️

First I’d like to say you shouldn’t apologize for venting here. My blog is a safe space for that.

About you questioning whether you’re a lesbian or bi: attraction is always positive, having neutral feelings, not feeling anything at all or having negative feelings when it comes to something romantic or sexual is not attraction. Whenever I see someone questioning whether they’re a lesbian or bi I always recommend watching these videos (you can find the others in the tag #source: patronsaintoflesbians). Also, you don’t need to understand your attraction right now, you don’t need to label it specifically if you don’t want to.

Unfortunately sometimes parents being friends with queer people (or seeming to be accepting of LGBTQ+) is not an indication they will accept you, at least right away. I think you should give your dad some time and space for him to get used to the fact that you’re not straight, sometimes all they need is time. I also think if you do end up realizing you’re a lesbian, it wouldn’t be good to come out again to your dad right now, he first needs time to get used to you liking other girls, and if in that time he approaches you and asks you about your identity, then I think you should tell him the truth.

[stillthesunkenstars]

Heyy, I hope it’s ok to send you a message about this and it doesn’t cause more anxiety or anything for you (and feel free to ignore or delete this if you want, that’s totally fine by me). I know I don’t follow your main here, but I do scroll through it every now and I just did that and saw all your posts about leaving tumblr and the BS fandom.

it’s late and past my bedtime and my brain is kinda fried rn, so I hope this comes out the way I want it to, but all I wanted to say is that I’ve loved your art ever since I first saw it and your drawings are a very big reason why I first started messing around with the DWEU/BS myself. I still haven’t been able to read as much BS stuff as I’d like to, but I do plan to do that someday, and the character and her stories have been a really big inspiration to me over the past couple of years. like the way she keeps being a good person and choosing to be kind and loving her friends and trying to hold her family together in spite of everything the universe has throw at her to try to break her down… that’s meant A Lot to me, and I think your posts and artwork were a huge reason for that. like they really kickstarted my interest if that makes sense.

I’m sorry you feel so alone here, and I really hope you have a better time on other social media sites! we all have to do what’s best and healthiest for us, and social media is a thing meant entirely for our own enjoyment, so if you’re not enjoying this place, then definitely don’t feel bad for moving on!

but I don’t ever want to look back and realize that I didn’t tell someone they mattered when they did, so I wanted to send this message to you and say everything I just said. and also that I think your art is amazing, like not just your DW/BS art, but your whole style and everything is so cool and inspiring to me. anyway, yeah I have to go to bed now lol :’) but I hope you have a good time posting on other sites, and maybe I’ll see you there sometime! and thanks so much for all the amazing Brax art you’ve given us, as someone who also cares about that character it’s always made me so happy to know there was someone else out there who cared about him and that I wasn’t the only one. I wish you all the best! ✨🌟

Hey gurt!! Thanks for this message that is so kind of you to say😭😭 leaving tumblr for a while is kinda an impulse decision because for a consecutive week my mom just decided to trigger me about my art unprompted and it made the loneliness I felt because of tumblr worse in a way? But now that I left tumblr for a few days I really do feel much better, I want to return to make drawings for those of u who also enjoys BS but I know making drawings with the intention of ‘feeding’ other people within such a small fandom is what drained me in the first place so I’m hesitant. I’m going to therapy this week to talk about this (and a lot of other things on my mind I’m not only going to go to therapy bc tumblr lol) but if/when I return I must sort out my relationship with this website. I’m not a very nice person I think and I don’t always act rationally here but I want to just. Take a break for a while on tumblr

And YES BS is just such a good piece of media!! Like for all its dysfunctional family shenanigans like everything everyone ever does is out of love mostly… I like brax for the corpse party esque mindgames horror stuff but knowing that before everything he really started his descent into madness wishing the tragedies like what happened on dellah would not fall upon his friends and thus taking the matters into his own hands is just. The road to hell really is paved with good intentions 😭😭 that being said I don’t think I would quit drawing bs art ever because while it is a hyperfixiation it is a genuinely good piece of media that captures my almost every aesthetic.

Genuinely thank you for this message again, I’m very happy to know you enjoyed my art 😭😭

[pandaking8308]

So I'm just going to write till someone either notices or not. I'm probably doing the worst I have every done in life and have absolutely no support. I watch my mom kill herself at a young age and watched as my dad shut down. I didn't really have a good childhood but to me it was so much fun. Mostly drinking and drugs. I was able to get past that move forward in life, but like everyone's story, this involves a girl. We had a great life, well, it seemed great. I worked with our kids and lived very well. Both had jobs and were members of the school and the town. I was very happy for awhile then came the turn.

So about 5 years in I just couldn't belive her I watch her do shit that made no sense. I was accused all the time for cheating or lying. It was that way for almost 2 years then I left because she told me about I guy I knew she had slept with and guess what she did. She lied for 5 years about it made me pay for the two times I lied about going out and getting drunk which I lied a whole 11 minutes. Then came hell.

For the last 6 years we have still been fighting calling each other and trying to get over one another. I mean I have I just assume she is to. So what I mean about this being hell is one night had to stay at our house which became her house. Got in a fight she hit me I black out and hit her. I wasn't right even though I was blacked out I was wrong and it ate me up so much I started doing Heroine because I could stand what I had let happen. I lost my daughter and my step sons I lost everything all in one night because I couldn't stop fighting with her. Long story short went to rehab got better then went to prison because I was to busy getting fucked up that probation could wait. Nope 1 year and 3 days is how long I went. Was doing good till the call

She called me on my birthday when no one not even my roommate gave a fuck. I went seen her and it was nice till 3 days later same shit I didn't send her money fast enough she called and made me feel like shit about everything when my life is not in the best place right now. Not doing fentanly or heroine but coming close now that I had to block her and delete my FB. I'm already alone most the day and I don't have alot friends mostly because I had a family for a while. So last few days I've been sitting here wondering if I overdosed would anyone know? Would anyone care? I wasn't always so closed off but life has a way of doing that to you. I don't think anyone would care pretty sure I wouldn't even be missed. I have watched my life burn to the ground and I sit in the ashes remembering when I had a family and people who cared about me and I just can't seem to find a way to forget or forgive myself for all I let happen. Part of me wants to die really just so I don't have to do another day alone. Part of me wants to just fade away and hope someday I find something worth being on the planet for.

Truth is, I'm hoping for death just because who cares people die every single day with not one tear dropped for any of them. I wish I wasn't like this, but it's hard not to be. I know it's coming, so I thought I should write it down and see if someone reads it they might not feel so alone, and it could help because it's not with me. I'm alone, and it's just getting worse. I guess I just want something left in this world before I go that says how I felt if I do go out like a cowered. I felt like dying for all the love I lost.

[tiffanygrayslife]

I Met a Little Angel

This is a story I’ve shared across various social media platforms, and my hope is that it will someday be seen by the right people.

So, my family and I often take trips to North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, because we own a condo down there with a few other families. One of my favorite things to do at the beach is go to karaoke. I love to sing, so my family takes me to different karaoke places. One place in particular we often go is called Duck Dive. It's a small bar, and karaoke takes place on a small deck area outside. It's such a nice, laidback environment. Everyone is so nice, and the food is awesome.

The first time we went was a few years ago on Memorial Day, and I had an experience there that still makes me very emotional to this day. After I sang one of my songs, a lady came to the table to introduce herself, and talk to me about my singing. Her name was Kathy, and she was so sweet and easy to talk to. I'm Autistic and struggle with depression and anxiety, so talking to new people is usually very difficult for me. However, I felt immediate comfort around this lady. As we talked, in her arms, she was holding her 3-year-old granddaughter, Bristol, and she introduced her to me. I took one look at Bristol, and I thought she was the most beautiful little girl I'd ever seen. I don't know what it was about her. I guess I felt her aura. I don't know, but she was special.

Kathy and I talked about music, and she told me about her family. One of her daughters, Brittany, was one of the karaoke singers that had gotten up to sing once. She sang a Miranda Lambert song, and she was INCREDIBLE! AMAZING voice! It turned out she was Bristol's mother.

I never actually got to talk to Brittany, but Kathy told me about how when she was Bristol's age, she had cancer. The doctors didn't think she'd survive, but she did. They told her she wouldn't be able to have any children, but she ended up having three—two boys and of course, her youngest, Bristol. I was truly touched by her story. It was inspiring to me how she beat the odds, and more than once!

As the night went on, Bristol continued to touch my heart with her adorableness and her sweet actions. For example, when her mother got up to sing again, she stood next to her, and at one point, she hummed a little into the microphone. It was so cute, and it made me smile! There were things that I didn't see that my mother pointed out to me later. I'm also visually impaired, so I can't always see what's going on around me. Anyway, there was a couple there who are now good friends of ours, and they had two little dogs with them. Bristol went over to pet and play with the dogs. Mom also told me that Bristol came up to our table twice just to smile... AT ME! I wish I would've seen that, because if I did, I would've returned the smile and thanked her. I also remember when I was talking to Kathy later on, I felt someone behind me, and I think it was Bristol. Maybe she was looking at or playing with my hair. But, the moment that touched me the most was when her mother was singing a duet with Jessy, the KJ, and one of her family members was holding her during the song. I remember looking right at her, and making eye contact with her. One of my Autistic traits is difficulty making eye contact. It makes me so uncomfortable and anxious, but not with Bristol. It was almost as if she was communicating telepathically to me, trying to send love and light my way. At the time, my depression was kicking my butt, and it's almost as if she was saying, "Everything will be okay." I almost broke down crying. I don't know what it was about her that touched me so much, but it was a powerful feeling. It was like her aura filled up and lit up the entire place. I could tell many people were enamored and moved by her, not just me. That night was so uplifting. Being in her presence, I felt as if I was in the presence of an angel. Her grandmother, Kathy, was also a very uplifting presence, someone I felt like I could open up to, and be myself around. She was a devout Christian, but not one of those pushy, self-righteous Christians. She was kind, caring, and like Bristol, radiated so much love and light.

At the very end of the night, I sang "You Raise Me Up" by Celtic Woman (my all-time favorite group), and I dedicated the song to Bristol. I don't know if she heard me when I said the song was for her, but I hope that made her smile, just like she did for me.

What really hurts, though, is that I never got to say goodbye. We had to rush out of there for some reason. I guess everyone was just ready to go home, but I never got to say goodbye to Bristol or Kathy. I did give Kathy my contact info, but I never got hers. I never got a chance to ask. I never got a chance to even take a picture with her or Bristol, so I'd at least have something physical and visual I could look at to remember that night. I never received any friend requests from Kathy. I have no idea where she and Brittany and Bristol are. I don't even know their last names (and I wouldn't disclose that publicly, even if I did). As we were leaving, I could've sworn I heard Bristol shouting "bye" to us, and I remember how that ripped my heart out. After we left, I had such a nasty feeling that I would never see them again. When we got back to the condo, I finally broke down crying. While it was a very uplifting experience, it was also very painful to leave without any true closure or true exchange of contact information, so I could at least stay in touch with them. It was almost as if I came out of the light and back into darkness, wanting so badly to turn back, but not knowing how.

When we went back to Duck Dive a few weeks later, we learned that they came there a year before around the same time. One of the waitresses also said that they were from around Charlotte, North Carolina, but she didn’t know anything else about them. Every time I went back to the place, I always hoped I would see them again. We decided to arrange to come back the following Memorial Day to see if they would be there again. My amazing grandfather made a special trip just for me, so we could maybe see them again. On Memorial Day, we went to Duck Dive again, and we waited... and waited... and waited... all night... and they never showed up. I was absolutely heartbroken, and I felt so bad for wasting so much of Granddad's time, as well as his gas, since it was a long drive to the beach, and not to mention imposing on our friend who allowed us to stay at his place, since we couldn't stay at the condo that weekend.

Here's one thing you have to know about me. Another one of my Autistic traits is super-sensitivity. I feel things very deeply. I also have a hard time making and maintaining friendships. Connecting with people is hard and scary for me, so when I come across someone I feel an instant connection with, it's so rare, and I actually feel motivated to make an effort in building a friendship with that person. I felt that instant connection with Kathy, and I wanted to build a friendship with her. I don't want kids, because I know that being a mother would be way too stressful for me, but I felt a connection with Bristol. Not a motherly connection, especially since she already has an incredible mother, but maybe more like a big sister or auntie sort of connection. All I want to do is to constantly remind her to always stay true to herself. Hold onto that sweetness and that beautiful spirit of hers. Never, ever let anyone try to change her, no matter how hard they try. I guess I was so moved by her purity, innocence, and beautiful heart that I wanted to protect her from the cruelty of this world somehow, or at least tell her to keep that inner beauty of hers protected and a part of her through it all. I also wanted her to know what a special and wonderful little girl she is, and how she makes me smile just by being herself.

I wrote a song for her, and my amazing friend, Adam Smith, wrote and recorded this beautiful music for it. The song is called simply "A Song for Bristol." It's my message to her to always stay true to herself, be kind even when others are unkind to her, always hold onto what makes her so special, and let the world see how awesome she is. I wanted to give her and Kathy a CD with that song, or at least play it for them. I never got to, but I pray to God I will someday.

For the longest time, I’ve been battling with my heart and my mind over this. My head kept telling me to let them go. Accept that I will never see them again, but my heart kept telling me to keep looking. Don’t give up. It was like they were fighting constantly, and I’m like, “Hey, Tom! Jerry! Would you two shut the hell up already?!” I tried for so long to listen to my head, and force myself to let them go, but I just couldn’t. I’ve talked to my family about this, so many of my friends, and even my therapist. They could all tell how much this affected me, and most of them encouraged me to keep looking. Most of them, including my therapist, believe whole-heartedly that I will find these people again. The turning point came when one incredible friend pointed out that meeting these people saved my life. This friend has seen me go through so much heartache and pain, and she said that these people made a huge difference in my life. Another friend recited the lyrics to the chorus of Celtic Woman’s rendition of “When You Believe” to me. Those two made me realize that seeing Kathy and Bristol again wasn’t just something I’d really love. It wasn’t an “obsession.” It was a dream of mine, and I am a strong believer in not giving up on your dreams. So, I have decided I’m going to keep looking, until I just can’t anymore. As soon as I made that decision, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I realized just how detrimental to my mental health it was for me to force myself to let go of something I obviously didn’t want to. My friend, Shanny, AKA Shanny Bananny on YouTube, posted a video on her channel with the hashtag #LongLostFriend, to help spread my story in hopes that iw will be seen and heard by the right people. My therapist was the one who suggested contacting Delilah about it. So, maybe she can help me get this story out somehow. If so, that would mean so much to me.

Kathy, wherever you are, thank you for being so wonderful to me that night. I still remember. Brittany, I never got to meet you directly, but you were AMAZING! I LOVE your singing voice, and your story is so inspiring! Good for you for defying those odds, and being the boss of your life, not the stupid cancer. Cancer can go pound sand for all I care! And, Bristol, never, ever stop being the amazing person you are. Always stay true to yourself. This world is full of people who will try to change you, hurt you, and break your spirit. DON'T LET THEM! Kill them with your kindness instead, and keep being your awesome self! I miss you guys so much, and I pray I will see you again someday! I hope I do, because I want to give all of you big fluffy sweater hugs!

[loved2]

Today marks 6 months since i got robbed of literally everything i had. My phones, laptop, all of the jewelry i inherited from my mom & other dead relatives, money, my documents, well mostly everything lol. Its also a pisces full moon. During the last pisces moon (when it happened) i felt as if i was losing everything i loved. I had been very emotional about letting go of my attachment to 2 of my girlfriends who i was no longer talking to, i missed my mom terribly (also marked 3 years since her passing), i was unhappy at home, wasn’t talking to anyone, struggling to find my purpose, wanted to quit my corporate job, then my bestie moved to another continent. The day she left i told her i felt as if everything in my life was ending/being taken away from me. 2 days later i got robbed at gunpoint lmao. How sway. Tbh i still don’t know how to feel about it. For the most part i’m okay i guess. I put it behind me really fast like i do with most things. I try to feel it as much as i can then i move on to be there for the ones who don’t deal with stuff like this so easily. Which i probably shouldn’t have done in this case. Idk. I’m not really caught up in it and i don’t think about it often. After that my entire life changed once again. I always thought it was a funny full circle moment since my mother passed 3 years prior in the same period. And it was the exact same feeling. Meh idk. I’m so used to feeling like this at this point i don’t really mind when i end up in these situations. It’s what most people know me for. “Resilience”. Whatever thats supposed to mean. It’s just saturn’s strong presence in my life i guess lol. I have this weird relationship with these constant difficulties. On one hand they make me who i am. And i’m very proud of who i am at this point despite all thats happened. I’m very stoic and okay with anything that comes. I welcome it even. Its nothing new to me. I like the balance i guess. You need the dark for the light. Even if most days aren’t so light but the darks are very… dark. On the other hand i wonder if this will continue to be a constant theme in my life. This year i’ve basically lost everything again but now i can say i’ve truly built something beautiful for myself. I hope it’ll last. I know it will. I made it. I guess you find yourself when you feel most lost. I hope you guys don’t have to go through it in this way lol. But i’ll take it. I know myself now. I know i have a lot to swallow. I’ve made peace with it and found some enjoyment in the process of it even. I always come out better than before. Eventhough the before is soul shattering and heart wrecking (or wrenching?… idk). Can’t escape the 8th house cycle lmao. Death is the most prevalent thing in my life. Anyway i love reflecting on moon cycles especially ones like these. They mean so much to me. This one is very close to my heart and also caused me a lot of pain. But i still adore it. It has caused me to be where i’m at now. It has caused deep transformation, death & rebirth. I finally feel (mostly) secure. I know where i’m headed. I feel like i truly know myself now. Hoping this will continue to be like this for a while. I just need a break. No disruptions anymore for atleast this year please universe. I am tired. N e ways its been nice to look back. Like i always do bc i can’t escape the past. You know my flowers are pretty bc i’ve taken care of them everyday even through the storms. Life is still beautiful eventhrough all of the storms honeys it will repay you in ways you’d never thought possible. Someday i will show you some roses that i grew effortlessly. That day is not today 🐚 P.S. one day i will write entire post about this days chart. Lets just say i’m a cap rising and at the time it was happening cap was on the ascendant. Better… mars was hitting my 2nd house and mars is my most malefic planet. Like you can’t make this shit up lmao.

[woolcityweavingco]

travel is one of the few things i look forward to anymore.

I love to travel. When I was a kid I always wanted to travel to new places. I remember being excited as a kid watching tv shows on the travel channel, telling my parents about different cities and being dismissed because travel was something only rich people did, too expensive for us. I get excited thinking about traveling to the south of France or Aotearoa or Iceland, someday but for now I'm traveling close to home.

Cost has always been something that's made travel feel out of reach, but I've felt like I've watched enough travel hacks that I can make it work.

i don't think only people with a lot of money should be the only ones to travel

I'd never been to the west coast but I had wanted to go Los Angeles pre-pandemic as a graduation gift for finishing my bootcamp. but then my mom ended up leaving the country, and I kept making excuses like not having a job after my boot camp until it was too late and the entire world was shut down.

After things started relaxing I was still scared to go

The first thing I remember thinking about LAX was geez it stinks.

I went to one of the gift shops because I didn't have change and bought a W Magazine with Dolly on the cover and then took a bus to the hostel.

I remember there was a couple on the bus who were speaking in a foreign language wondering if they were also going to the hostel. It was dark, and I knew things would look different in the daylight but I couldn't help craning my head around to see everything we passed by.

When we got to Santa Monica I noticed that all the trees were decorated with little ornaments even though it was October.

One of the nice things about hostels is that they're usually in really nice spots. The hostel I had stayed at in Chicago was literally right next to an L station. The hostel in Santa Monica was a short walk to the beach.

I had just seen the 4k restoration of Possession but that was on a big screen at the Ayrsley. In some ways I, like most millennial people who had been socialized as women, could relate to Isablle Adjani's character. I didn't really recognize anything in this character.

Should I be watching a movie I need a college degree to dissect? Maybe I've gotten too comfortable with my level of intellect and no longer feel any urgency to pretend like it's higher than it really is.

I will say it is a fucked up movie though, maybe I'll rewatch it for Halloween.

it's escapism, you're literally wanting to escape

the nice thing about travel is that you can imagine yourself in a brand new life.

have you ever wanted to just take off and leave and never come back?

I told my mom i was going to a work thing so she wouldn't worry. it was the first time i had left home since the pandemic started, so I'm sure she had reason to worry

Santa Monica beach is just a walk from the hostel. I woke up early before the sun rose and walked out to the beach

I loved visiting the musuems

I really loved the Little Tokyo Galleria.

I walked PCH all the way to El Matador Beach (shout out to Flashpacking America for the idea). I walk alot normally so this was pretty easy, I was just really scared because it was a highway.

One reality I was prepared for and was really excited about was how many Latino people there are in Los Angeles, especially how many Salvadorans there are.

Los Angeles has the most Salvadorans in one place anywhere outside El Salvador itself.

I had heard that there was a Salvadoran Corridor in LA near Koreatown.

Sometimes when I speak spanish I wonder how much my accent comes out. I wonder if other spanish speakers recognize me as Salvadoran. In my experience it's a very relaxed way of speaking, colorful and particular. it's kind of like hearing a southern accent when you're from the south it puts you at ease.

Walking around the market I felt at home. I called my mom to tell here what I was seeing, the fruits, the clothing. I sat down to eat some pupusas and a family sat down in the table next to mine. There were like six people and they all spoke spanish. I wonder what it would've been like to have moved to Los Angeles instead of Charlotte, I'm proud of being a Salvadoran but there isn't a really a strong Salvadoran community in Charlotte the way there is in a city like DC or LA or hell even Long Island had Central American festivals every year as long as we lived there.

I think if I did move to LA it'd be for a reason like that, to be closer to my culture without having to leave the US.

I left the market and bought a box for my mom, and some candied coconut candy for me.

I actually was so sad to come back home. It happens every time. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because

I’m not really good at anything no matter how hard I try to be but when I travel somewhere new none of that really seems to matter

i'm a nobody. i'm a loser but being on the beach it doesn't hurt so bad.

[sukirichi]

no guidance

pov: you ask your step-brother to guide you in your first time 

part of the everything step cest collab by @dilfhub​ thank you for everything! 💕

note. lol this rotted in my drafts for weeks but i finally finished it eeeee

cw. virginity loss, sexting, mild corruption themes, fingering, oral sex (f. receiving), possessive! akaashi-ni, slight dumbification, pseudo-incest (step siblings)

You knew better than to associate with the likes of Miya Atsumu. As if him being one of the most notorious fuckboys in campus wasn’t enough of a warning sign, his reputation was also infamous for being the “Virgin Killer.” In simpler terms, he took pride in corrupting the innocence of whoever was foolish enough to fall into his trap, and yet there you were, bottom lip caught between your teeth as you shamelessly sexted with him.

Unsurprisingly, he’s asking for nudes. Again.

It had been approximately three months since you passed notes with the said Miya twin (and of course you liked the worse of the pair) before your friendship escalated into something...more sexual. It was no secret Atsumu had a high sex drive, something you were still foreign with, so you weren’t really taken aback by his open vulgarity over his desire to fuck you.

The first month, you were nice enough to sent him a snap of your titties. Albeit still a little shy over not having sent anyone such an intimate photo before, you were beyond exhilarated.

The next, you sent him a booty pic. It wasn’t anything sexy since you were only in your campus hoodie, the door locked because you didn’t want your parents walking in on you trying to get a good angle of your rounded buttocks.

And just last week, you finally gained enough courage to take a photo of your glistening pussy, sent with a caption of ‘thinking of you...’

Now, you weren’t stupid despite your preference to act naive and innocent. You knew your actions would entice him to lead into something more, if his dick picks that show him already leaking weren’t enough of a telltale already. But as your phone pinged and his name flashed above your screen, the words, ‘meet you at Issei’s party this weekend? I think I’ve waited long enough’ loud and clear – your heart dropped into your chest.

Without another thought, you shut your phone off and rolled to your side.

The thing was, you’ve never really had sex. You couldn’t even be brave enough to lose your virginity to your hairbrush or to buy a dildo despite your friends’ insistence it was much better than an actual cock (quote unquote: both can make you orgasm, but the former didn’t come with toxic attitudes of horny college boys.)

Sure, you’ve watched porn, and you watched a lot – but nothing could compare to the actual experience of it. Your fingers could only get you so far.

Glancing at your phone that kept lighting up with texts from Atsumu, you felt something stir deep within your stomach. Curiosity? Arousal? Nervousness? Excitement? Perhaps all a mix of both. You’ve heard from all the girls Atsumu’s slept with that even though he meant bad news, his cock could be likened of that of  a blessing that converted them into ‘I hate him’ to ‘Gosh, I wanna fuck him again.’ Addicting, they called him, and now you were being offered a path to being on a path that most likely had no point of return.

You sighed.

The saner part of you warned you to stay away. There was no rush to lose your virginity now. Just because most of your friends had enough experience, it didn’t mean you had to be the same as them. After all, you came from quite...a strict household.

While everyone had been away from their parents and independently living in their dorms, you still stayed under the same roof as your father and step-mom, along with your older brother who was only a year ahead of you. Akaashi was a very sweet presence to have that you didn’t mind not experiencing that ‘youthful freedom’ too much, simply because your brother was a better company than whoever you could room with. He was kind, always ready to help, and you could confidently say you trusted him more than you did your closest friends.

Maybe that was the reason why you knocked at his room past midnight, shifting your weight from one foot to another. The faint sliver of light peeking from the cracks in his door told you he was probably still working on projects and the like, really not a good time to bother him, but you couldn’t hold on any longer.

At the back of your mind, this was the right thing. He was the right person.

“’Kaashi-nii...?” you knocked again, aware that he had a habit of listening to music on full volume while studying. “Are you there? Oh, were you studying, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to barge.”

Your brother stood in front of you, his headphones hung around his neck. He’d swung the door open to reveal that he was, indeed, previously hunched over his desk to work on something. Upon seeing the guilty expression on your face, Akaashi smiled at you in reassurance. “Hey, no, it’s fine,” he ushered you inside, setting you down at the edge of his bed while he sat across you in his swivelling chair. “Do you need help with homework again?”

“No...”

Turning away from him shyly, you opted to fiddle with your fingers as you stared at your lap. You had come here in a whim. You didn’t really think this through, and even though you’d been in his room a thousand times before, his dark blue sheets and tidy room that smelled sweetly of his detergent and vanilla cologne made you feel dizzy.

It didn’t help that he looked so mouth-watering in this light too.

Messy hair, long, slender fingers that absentmindedly spun a pen in those pretty hands of his, his dark eyes hazy and as welcoming as ever under the dim light of his desk lamp – how could you resist?

“What is it?” Akaashi quickly picked up on your silent worries. He’d always been observant, taking his role as your big brother seriously that he had attuned himself to sense even the slightest differences from you. Even though you’d only become family when you were already in middle school, it felt like you had known him for a much longer time than that, his warm hands rubbing soothing circles in your knees pulling the tension away from you.

“You know you can tell your brother everything, right? I’ll listen to you, you don’t need to feel scared or nervous.”

Guess it was now or never... “There’s this boy in my class...”

Akaashi’s eyes immediately darkened. All the warmth in his face disappeared, now replaced with a hardness you didn’t think was possible for such an understanding, patient guy like him. “Is he hurting you, forcing you to do something you don’t like?” his questions shot out one by one, and your eyes widened when he held you firmly by the shoulders. “Do I need to hurt someone?”

“No, no, it’s not like that!”

Your brother relaxed back in his chair. For a moment, your mind conjured up the dirtiest image of bouncing on his cock (and you know his cock is pretty after accidentally walking in on him changing clothes in high school) as he studied, but you quickly shook the thought away with a clear of your throat.

“What’s wrong then?”

You took a deep breath. “I just...I like him a lot and he asked me to have sex with him someday,” your words came out barely above a whisper, the courage seeping out of you until meeting Akaashi’s eyes felt impossible. “I said yes because of course I like him but...I’m afraid.”

“Hey,” Akaashi tilted your chin to look at him, his blue eyes pooling with worry and brotherly concern. “You know you don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”

“I just don’t want to disappoint him. I-I’ve never done it before and I feel like I won’t make him feel good. That’s why I came here,” you peered at him under your lashes, tongue darting out to nervously lick at your lips that felt uncomfortably dry. “You told me I could ask you for help in anything and you’re my brother so I trust you a lot to guide me on this one.”

The silence in the room was suffocating.

You were so close to running out of his room and pretending you didn’t exist for the rest of your life because what the hell were you asking? He was your brother, he obviously didn’t see you as a woman. You bet in his eyes, you were nothing but a little sister, and there really was no stopping him from kicking you out of his room until – “You want me to be your first time?”

You looked up at him so fast you actually felt your neck ache from the sudden movement. Heat spread all over your body, especially to your core at the unreadable expression in his eyes, yet it wasn’t...bad. He wasn’t rejecting you.

“Yes, please.”

Akaashi nodded at your hushed words. Slapping his palms to his knees, he walked to his bedside table where he pulled out an inconspicuous bottle with some sort of liquid you weren’t familiar with.

“Okay. Nii-san will teach you everything, but first, I need to prep you.” Fuck, fuck, fuck, this was actually happening!

You could barely process the events that happened next as he discarded his shirt to the ground, exposing his toned upper body to you from years of playing volleyball. While you sat there frozen and with a frantic beating heart, your brother barely blinked an eye as he gestured for you to take your clothes off. Wordlessly, you pulled your top off and shimmied out of your underwear. Too shy upon being exposed to a male for the first time in your life, you immediately headed towards his bed and closed your eyes, breath heavy and laboured as you waited for his next movements.

Akaashi’s hand went up to your knee, and you flinched at the contact, relaxing only when his soothing smile greeted you. “Lean back for me. Just relax and loosen up, okay? I’m not going to hurt you, Nii-san will make you feel good.”

Swallowing the lump in your throat, you did as he told. You were still shy, but you were feeling a lot less nervous. His hypnotizing gestures of caressing your thighs made you sigh in contentment as your head hit the pillow, legs falling open like it was second nature to spread yourself to your brother.

The thought had you biting your lip.

Before you could think too much about it, you felt a cool liquid being spread all over your lips. You gasped and clutched on the sheets out of reflex, staring forward as your brother stared at you cautiously, his lube coated fingers experimentally rubbing circles over your pussy lips. It felt so lewd for him to touch you like that – those same hands that always held yours in your weakest moments – yet it felt so good; the strange sensation tightening your chest.

“I-it’s cold.”

“I’ll warm it up for you,” he reassured, “How far have you gone? Any prior sexual experience?” Akaashi then began to playfully roll your clit between his fingers, eliciting a high-pitched whimper from you. He grinned at your reaction – so vocal for him already – and he was determined to hear more of it. “Ever tried sucking someone off?”

“No, but I’ve watched a lot of porn.”

“Porn is different from actual sex, baby,” the nickname fell so effortlessly from his lips that you didn’t dare question it anymore. Not that you could anyway, because the tip of his finger was prodding against your hole that was embarrassingly clenching around nothing. “How about here? Have you tried masturbating?”

“Don’t ask me such embarrassing questions!”

“You’re spread open for me already, you don’t need to be embarrassed,” You covered your face with your hands to hide, but Akaashi pried them away, his grip on your wrist both demanding yet gentle. “Tell me so I know how many fingers I can put inside you. I need to stretch you out.”

“Just one.”

“Louder, baby.”

“Just one finger,” you blurted out, finding it harder and harder to breathe the more he glided his fingers between your slit. Fingering yourself couldn’t even compare to the beauty of having him do the same to you, your arousal only heightened by his dedicated stare at your shaven pussy. From below your bodies, his pants had begun to home a tent.

“Two hurts a little bit and ‘em too sore.”

“What a tight cunt,” he commented with a smirk. “I’ll have to take my time with you then,” You nodded gratefully, about to smile at him with hearts in your eyes when Akaashi slowly slid a finger in. Your moan came out breathless and muted as you stared at him, mouth open in a silent gasp. The intrusion wasn’t anything new but he expertly pumped his finger in and out of it that your walls fluttered around him, head thrown back for another broken moan as he slid another digit. The stretch felt fucking perfect – the slight sting more than welcome in your virgin cunt that was now being fucked by your brother.

“Shh, it’s okay, it’ll feel better soon. Just relax.”

Openly, your slight squeaks of pleasure had increased in volume. Akaashi fingered you until he was knuckle deep, his other palm flat on your abdomen. Had you been in a better state of mind that wasn’t previously clouded with pleasure, you would’ve been embarrassed at the loud sloppy sounds of your pussy, but you remained there with trembling thighs, your nails digging at his thigh as you stared at him wide-eyed.

“Feels good?”

“M-more,” you begged through gritted teeth, “Nii-san, more.”

“Not yet, baby, you’re still too tight,” Sooner than you’d like, Akaashi pulled his fingers out of you. Both of you gazed at the webs of arousal between his fingers; your face painted in shock while he smirked at it, chest swelling with pride. Then, his eyes slid over yours, hooking his hands under your knees before he settled between your thighs.

“Come here. I’m going to go down on you.”

“Nii-san, no!” your protests fell on deaf ears, almost as if he knew you didn’t really mean it. His ears knocked with your knees locked around him, and you shivered as you felt his hot breath right before your burning cunt. “It’s embarrassing...don’t want you looking at my kitty like that.”

“Your kitty is very pretty and Nii-san wants a taste of you,” he mumbles while pressing kisses all over your pelvic bone, his sticky fingers massaging your inner thighs into relaxation. Your head pressed back harder on the pillows at the sensation, the pleasure too immense and he was just starting. “Didn’t you say you want me to teach you everything? This is just a few lessons you have to learn so don’t be shy. I’m sure you taste heavenly,” Clenching your jaw from the overwhelming bursts of ecstasy, you failed to notice how he dipped his head further, tongue darting out to lick a flat stripe. Your eyes blew wide open as he torturously and slowly dipped his tongue from your hole, the wet and warm muscle licking all the way up from your slit until the clit. “See? I told you. Heavenly.”

“’Kaashi, ‘Kaashi, oh, oh!”

“You sound so pretty but don’t be too loud,” Somehow, he managed to raise his arms and placed a palm over your mouth. “We don’t want Mom and Dad to overhear.”

Your legs trembled around him until you nearly suffocated him, but how could you stop when he was rolling his tongue side to side, licking and cleaning up the previous wetness he’d pulled from you?

It was too much, too good, and soon you were moaning behind his palm as you came all over his face.

Akaashi greedily slurped up the juices that squirted all over his face, unbothered by the mess you’ve made. He didn’t stop until he was sure you were completely clean, and you were already on the brink of overstimulation when he locked his lips around yours, sucking whatever he could take. Unable to take it any longer, you pushed his head away and fell on your side in a desperate attempt to catch your breath, sending him a seductive glare, only to soften as you his lips, cheeks, and nose shining under the moonlight.

“Nii-san, your face—”

“It’s okay, I’ll clean up for later,” he shrugged it off and stepped out of his sweatpants, ripping a condom you didn’t even notice he had. You watched with baited breath as his cock sprung free, the tip red and glistening with pre-cum. Akaashi rolled the condom over his throbbing cock and situated himself before you, pumping his length a few times before aligning it with your hole, sending you one last look of approval.

“You ready for my cock now? This might hurt a little bit. You just need to relax and I’ll go slow, okay? Tell me if anything feels uncomfortable.”

Nodding, you made yourself comfortable and braced the sheets for preparation, wincing a little as he pushed the tip in. Akaashi felt you clamp down on him, his hips stilling just as he loomed over you, his arms resting beside your head. In this position, you could see each detail of him – the thickness of his lashes, the love blooming in his eyes, the sweat beading in his forehead and everything soft and slow written all over his face.

“Still okay? I can stop if you want.”

You shook your head and wrapped your legs around his waist to pull him closer. He raised a brow at your initiation, but you merely smiled at him to hide the mild discomfort. “I can take it, just keep going.”

A few minutes later and a hundred still good? later, Akaashi had slid himself in. He allowed you to get used inch by delicious inch until he was completely seated inside you, hip pressed to hip and his hand caressing your cheek. “You’ve done so well,” he praised, “How does having a cock stuffed in you feel?”

“S-so full,” you replied numbly, the feeling of him throbbing inside your heat so fucking delicious. “Love nii-san’s cock.”

“Yeah? I’ll give you more then,” he warned, and you knew you couldn’t go back anymore when he placed his palm flat beside your head. Akaashi began to move his hips, slowly at first to let you accommodate to his length which your pussy hugged greedily. You were moaning left and right and his groans above you was erotic enough to make you cum on the spot, the pleasure doubling as your pebbled nipples grazed his toned chest.

“Nii-san! So big!”

“I know, baby, you’ll get used to it, don’t worry. It’ll feel better soon,” he rasped, scowling when you raked your nails down his back, though not hard enough to draw blood. It would definitely leave a mark though, and the pain of it urged him to move his hips faster, the sound of skin slapping against skin echoing through his room that began to warm by each passing second. “Feel better?”

“Feels so good,” you cried around him, reaching up to bury your head in his neck and clinging to him like a koala. It did feel so good, so much so that you just might get addicted to this. “Love Nii-san’s cock.”

At your words, Akaashi’s patience that thinned a while ago completely broke.

His pace increased and he gripped your hips tightly, sitting back on his knees just to watch his cock slide in and out of you. The lube made sex feel a hundred times better from how easily he’s easily punching through your walls, the sight of you splayed out for him – hair strewn across the pillow, little whimpers leaving your lips, breasts bouncing right before his eyes and abused pussy lips hugging his shaft – it made him growl with possessiveness.

“This is how you should be fucked – you gotta be fucked right,” he announced, thumb coming down to rub your clit. As expected, you cried out and tightened around him.

He faltered for a moment at how tight you were, but he kept pushing, driving his cock in and out of you until he turned into you a sobbing, slobbery mess.

“You sure that boy of yours can make you feel this good?”

“N-no, Nii-san’s cock only!”

“That’s right, it’s just gotta be me, okay?” driving both his hands around your neck just to clench your airway as a warning, Akaashi fucked you harder than before. The sudden inability to not breathe made you impossibly tighter around him that you felt each ridge and vein kissing your bumpy walls. “Say it. Say you’re mine.”

“I’m yours, I’m Nii-san’s property!”

“I’m gonna mark you as mine, claim this pussy as Nii-san’s only, yeah? You want that?”

“Cum in me, ‘Kaashi, cum inside!” you prompted, and what good of a brother would he be if he didn’t grant his little sister’s wishes? Growling, Akaashi snapped his hips hard until the tip of his cock successfully kept repeating that sweet spot in you that you didn’t even know you had. You were crying, moaning, too fucked to respond as you came, and your lewd expression was all it took before he was releasing his cum inside the condom. “Kaashi, Kaashi, ah!”

Akaashi quickly pulled out his cock and took a minute to regain his breath, his head cradled on his hands at the earth-shattering orgasm you both had. Not a moment later, he’s tying his condom and throwing it to his bin, finding his way right beside you as you blinked sleepily at him.

“Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”

“No, you were great. Just tired.”

“Do you want to sleep in my room tonight?”

You smiled at his concern, pulling him in closer for an embrace. He was warm and sweaty that it felt uncomfortable, but you wanted him beside you, and Akaashi began to caress your hipbones with so much tenderness. He knew he was a little rough for losing control like that.

“I’d love that, thank you,” you mumbled, more than ready to call it a night and sleep when his weight shifted off the bed. Akaashi rummaged through something in his drawers before he disappeared in the bathroom for a bit, coming back to spread your legs open once more. “Wh-what’re you doing?”

“It’s called aftercare. If your partner can’t provide this and pamper you, I suggest you break up with them,” he snickered, and you hissed at the sensitivity as he wiped away your cum with the towel. You soon relaxed, however, all thanks to Akaashi’s doting nature that you were falling asleep on his bed, allowing him to clean you up as he pleases. He set the towel aside and snuggled right next to you, his nose bumping your jaw to pull you away from dreamland for a little while. His previous sexual aura had now dimmed; his brotherly concern present again. “You still want to fuck your classmate?”

“Hmm...he’s really handsome, and I heard from the other girls he’s got a huge cock too,” you giggled, not really aware of your words as you said, “Probably even bigger than yours.”

Thinking that he might be offended, you almost apologized after a moment, but Akaashi only laughed as he hugged you tighter. “Size doesn’t matter. It’s who owns the cock and their talent in pleasuring their partner that matters,” he confidently stated, fingers running up and down your spine that brought chills down to your toes as he nibbled on your ear. “And I know I fucked you so good he can’t compare.”

[pbandjesse]

My chest is still very tight and I have pains under my ribs but I did feel better today. Just kind of over tired. I had a lot of trouble just connecting and having conversations where it normally would have been fine. Like I still had the conversations, but it felt like it took a lot more effort and that I was being weird. I just needed some rest.

It was a nice day though. The air felt normal. The weather was absolutely beautiful. I was looking forward to sitting outside and selling some stuff but mostly just working on my knitting project.

James got us together. I was not my best self but my eyeliner was good and my hair was nice. It would be very windy at the market but it didn't bother me. I had a flannel and would be comfy.

James helped me unload when we got there. I was for sure moving slow but I still only took like 10 minutes to be fully set up. Rosia was the educator inside today and she came out and was my first sale!! She bought my one very very large frog and just absolutely made my day. Thank you Rosia.

And I would have a pretty good sale day. I made $99. My two little friends that come with their change were back and used multiple dollars to try and win stickers. They ended up winning 4 before I had to tell them no more. Going to cost me money because of the printing cost of the stickers. The boys at 5 and 7 and I think they understood in the end.

They are so sweet though. I would give the 5 year old, Santiago, a coloring sheet, and his brother the 7 year old, Sebastian, and him would also try my loom which was super precious. The mom kept asking if they were okay, if they were bothering me, but honestly they are so soft spoken and sweet I didn't mind at all. They gave me a 500 pesos coin from Columbia! Neat!

And I did have other very good conversations. Merril came with her friend and they bought a few things. I also got a big hug which was so sweet. James got us both pies from Ginny. James got key lime and I got banana pudding. I would also buy sour cherries and strawberries to use to make a cheesecake dip tomorrow for the end of the year party tomorrow. I did not eat a million of the strawberries. I would wait until I got home and only had a few.

Stanley came out and hung out with me for a bit. Helen gave me a flower when she saw I was foraging the broken leaves and pedals on the ground to make pressed flowers. Super nice of her. Her and Anne laughed at me when I went to get a paperback book from my car and the pages barely close but I think it works really well. Forms down better then a hardcover. Though I would like to get an actual large flower press someday. I have a palm sized one but I just find it a bit to small for most things I find.

The end of the market really couldn't come fast enough. My ribs still feel swollen and I feel very top-heavy. And I was really looking forward to going home.

Meril told me to come say goodbye to her inside the museum while I was saying bye to James. I didn't have my wagon so it took a few trips to get everything packed away. And then I went inside and took over the desk so James could get us 711 pizza.

I chatted with a few people. Got a few visitors in. Joked with the dog treat vender from the market when she came in and was flabbergasted to see me at the desk. And then I went home.

When I got back to our neighborhood I remembered there was a block party so I had to take sort of a silly way to get back to our street. But it was fine. I got my two big bags inside. My totebag with all my purchases and moneybox, and Jamess laptop bag. And I was very very winded which sucked a lot.

But it was fine. I got things put away. I was getting ready to go take a shower and I remembered I wanted to clean the air conditioner filter and I'm glad I did because it was absolutely caked. From dirt but also the smoke I'm sure. It could not have been helping my chest. So I vacuumed and wiped that down and it's much better now.

I got my shower and then had a few bites of the banana pudding before I went and laid down. I would be out like a rock for almost 2 hours.

When I woke up I felt a little disoriented. James was at a baseball game for a few more hours. Apparently making friends with a baby. And I got up and made a sandwich and decorated another house in animal crossing. It was fun.

I would get back in bed after that. And just watched tiktoks until James got home. Their team won so that's nice. And they would have a little dinner and take a shower and join me in bed to watch more tiktoks.

And that's where we still are. I am getting bleary eyes and breathing deeply isn't comfortable but I know I will fall asleep soon.

Tomorrow I hope to go to the grocery store first thing and then make my things for the party. I don't know who else is going but I am looking forward to it still.

Sleep well everyone. I hope you are feeling good!

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

“Elliot Page doesn’t remember exactly how long he had been asking.

But he does remember the acute feeling of triumph when, around age 9, he was finally allowed to cut his hair short. “I felt like a boy,” Page says. “I wanted to be a boy. I would ask my mom if I could be someday.” Growing up in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Page visualized himself as a boy in imaginary games, freed from the discomfort of how other people saw him: as a girl. After the haircut, strangers finally started perceiving him the way he saw himself, and it felt both right and exciting.

The joy was short-lived. Months later, Page got his first break, landing a part as a daughter in a Canadian mining family in the TV movie Pit Pony. He wore a wig for the film, and when Pit Pony became a TV show, he grew his hair out again. “I became a professional actor at the age of 10,” Page says. And pursuing that passion came with a difficult compromise. “Of course I had to look a certain way.”

We are speaking in late February. It is the first interview Page, 34, has given since disclosing in December that he is transgender, in a heartfelt letter posted to Instagram, and he is crying before I have even uttered a question. “Sorry, I’m going to be emotional, but that’s cool, right?” he says, smiling through his tears.

It’s hard for him to talk about the days that led up to that disclosure. When I ask how he was feeling, he looks away, his neck exposed by a new short haircut. After a pause, he presses his hand to his heart and closes his eyes. “This feeling of true excitement and deep gratitude to have made it to this point in my life,” he says, “mixed with a lot of fear and anxiety.”

It’s not hard to understand why a trans person would be dealing with conflicting feelings in this moment. Increased social acceptance has led to more young people describing themselves as trans—1.8% of Gen Z compared with 0.2% of boomers, according to a recent Gallup poll—yet this has fueled conservatives who are stoking fears about a “transgender craze.” President Joe Biden has restored the right of transgender military members to serve openly, and in Hollywood, trans people have never had more meaningful time onscreen. Meanwhile, J.K. Rowling is leveraging her cultural capital to oppose transgender equality in the name of feminism, and lawmakers are arguing in the halls of Congress over the validity of gender identities. “Sex has become a political football in the culture wars,” says Chase Strangio, deputy director for transgender justice at the ACLU.

(Full article with photos continued under the “read more”)

And so Page—who charmed America as a precocious pregnant teenager in Juno, constructed dreamscapes in Inception and now stars in Netflix’s hit superhero show The Umbrella Academy, the third season of which he’s filming in Toronto—expected that his news would be met with both applause and vitriol. “What I was anticipating was a lot of support and love and a massive amount of hatred and transphobia,” says Page. “That’s essentially what happened.” What he did not anticipate was just how big this story would be. Page’s announcement, which made him one of the most famous out trans people in the world, started trending on Twitter in more than 20 countries. He gained more than 400,000 new followers on Instagram on that day alone. Thousands of articles were published. Likes and shares reached the millions. Right-wing podcasters readied their rhetoric about “women in men’s locker rooms.” Casting directors reached out to Page’s manager saying it would be an honor to cast Page in their next big movie.

So, it was a lot. Over the course of two conversations, Page will say that understanding himself in all the specifics remains a work in progress. Fathoming one’s gender, an identity innate and performed, personal and social, fixed and evolving, is complicated enough without being under a spotlight that never seems to turn off. But having arrived at a critical juncture, Page feels a deep sense of responsibility to share his truth. “Extremely influential people are spreading these myths and damaging rhetoric—every day you’re seeing our existence debated,” Page says. “Transgender people are so very real.”

That role in Pit Pony led to other productions and eventually, when Page was 16, to a film called Mouth to Mouth. Playing a young anarchist, Page had a chance to cut his hair again. This time, he shaved it off completely. The kids at his high school teased him, but in photos he has posted from that time on social media he looks at ease. Page’s head was still shaved when he mailed in an audition tape for the 2005 thriller Hard Candy. The people in charge of casting asked him to audition again in a wig. Soon, the hair was back.

Page’s tour de force performance in Hard Candy led, two years later, to Juno, a low-budget indie film that brought Page Oscar, BAFTA and Golden Globe nominations and sudden megafame. The actor, then 21, struggled with the stresses of that ascension. The endless primping, red carpets and magazine spreads were all agonizing reminders of the disconnect between how the world saw Page and who he knew himself to be. “I just never recognized myself,” Page says. “For a long time I could not even look at a photo of myself.” It was difficult to watch the movies too, especially ones in which he played more feminine roles.

Page loved making movies, but he also felt alienated by Hollywood and its standards. Alia Shawkat, a close friend and co-star in 2009’s Whip It,describes all the attention from Juno as scarring. “He had a really hard time with the press and expectations,” Shawkat says. “‘Put this on! And look this way! And this is sexy!’”

By the time he appeared in blockbusters like X-Men: The Last Stand and Inception, Page was suffering from depression, anxiety and panic attacks. He didn’t know, he says, “how to explain to people that even though [I was] an actor, just putting on a T-shirt cut for a woman would make me so unwell.” Shawkat recalls Page’s struggles with clothes. “I’d be like, ‘Hey, look at all these nice outfits you’re getting,’ and he would say, ‘It’s not me. It feels like a costume,’” she says. Page tried to convince himself that he was fine, that someone who was fortunate enough to have made it shouldn’t have complaints. But he felt exhausted by the work required to “just exist,” and thought more than once about quitting acting.

In 2014, Page came out as gay, despite feeling for years that “being out was impossible” given his career. (Gender identity and sexual orientation are, of course, distinct, but one queer identity can coexist with another.) In an emotional speech at a Human Rights Campaign conference, Page talked about being part of an industry “that places crushing standards” on actors and viewers alike. “There are pervasive stereotypes about masculinity and femininity that define how we’re all supposed to act, dress and speak,” Page went on. “And they serve no one.”

The actor started wearing suits on the red carpet. He found love, marrying choreographer Emma Portner in 2018. He asserted more agency in his career, producing his own films with LGBTQ leads like Freeheld and My Days of Mercy. And he made a masculine wardrobe a condition of taking roles. Yet the daily discord was becoming unbearable. “The difference in how I felt before coming out as gay to after was massive,” says Page. “But did the discomfort in my body ever go away? No, no, no, no.”

In part, it was the isolation forced by the pandemic that brought to a head Page’s wrestling with gender. (Page and Portner separated last summer, and the two divorced in early 2021. “We’ve remained close friends,” Page says.) “I had a lot of time on my own to really focus on things that I think, in so many ways, unconsciously, I was avoiding,” he says. He was inspired by trailblazing trans icons like Janet Mock and Laverne Cox, who found success in Hollywood while living authentically. Trans writers helped him understand his feelings; Page saw himself reflected in P. Carl’s memoir Becoming a Man. Eventually “shame and discomfort” gave way to revelation. “I was finally able to embrace being transgender,” Page says, “and letting myself fully become who I am.”

This led to a series of decisions. One was asking the world to call him by a different name, Elliot, which he says he’s always liked. Page has a tattoo that says E.P. PHONE HOME, a reference to a movie about a young boy with that name. “I loved E.T. when I was a kid and always wanted to look like the boys in the movies, right?” he says. The other decision was to use different pronouns—for the record, both he/him and they/them are fine. (When I ask if he has a preference on pronouns for the purposes of this story, Page says, “He/him is great.”)

A day before we first speak, Page will talk to his mom about this interview and she will tell him, “I’m just so proud of my son.” He grows emotional relating this and tries to explain that his mom, the daughter of a minister, who was born in the 1950s, was always trying to do what she thought was best for her child, even if that meant encouraging young Page to act like a girl. “She wants me to be who I am and supports me fully,” Page says. “It is a testament to how people really change.”

Another decision was to get top surgery. Page volunteers this information early in our conversation; at the time he posted his disclosure on Instagram, he was recovering in Toronto. Like many trans people, Page emphasizes being trans isn’t all about surgery. For some people, it’s unnecessary. For others, it’s unaffordable. For the wider world, the media’s focus on it has sensationalized transgender bodies, inviting invasive and inappropriate questions. But Page describes surgery as something that, for him, has made it possible to finally recognize himself when he looks in the mirror, providing catharsis he’s been waiting for since the “total hell” of puberty. “It has completely transformed my life,” he says. So much of his energy was spent on being uncomfortable in his body, he says. Now he has that energy back.

For the transgender community at large, visibility does not automatically lead to acceptance. Around the globe, transgender people deal disproportionately with violence and discrimination. Anti-trans hate crimes are on the rise in the U.K. along with increasingly transphobic rhetoric in newspapers and tabloids. In the U.S., in addition to the perennial challenges trans people face with issues like poverty and homelessness, a flurry of bills in state legislatures would make it a crime to provide transition-related medical care to trans youth. And crass old jokes are still in circulation. When Biden lifted the ban on open service for transgender troops, Saturday Night Live’s Michael Che did a bit on Weekend Update about the policy being called “don’t ask, don’t tuck.”

Page says coming out as trans was “selfish” on one level: “It’s for me. I want to live and be who I am.” But he also felt a moral imperative to do so, given the times. Human identity is complicated and mysterious, but politics insists on fitting everything into boxes. In today’s culture wars, simplistic beliefs about gender—e.g., chromosomes = destiny—are so widespread and so deep-seated that many people who hold those beliefs don’t feel compelled to consider whether they might be incomplete or prejudiced. On Feb. 24, after a passionate debate on legislation that would ban discrimination against LGBTQ people, Representative Marie Newman, an Illinois Democrat, proudly displayed the pride flag in support of her daughter, who is trans. Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, a Georgia Republican, responded by hanging a poster outside her office that read: There are TWO genders: MALE & FEMALE.

The next day Dr. Rachel Levine, who stands to become the first openly transgender federal official confirmed by the Senate, endured a tirade from Senator Rand Paul about “genital mutilation” during her confirmation hearing. My second conversation with Page happens shortly after this. He brings it up almost immediately, and seems both heartbroken and determined. He wants to emphasize that top surgery, for him, was “not only life-changing but lifesaving.” He implores people to educate themselves about trans lives, to learn how crucial medical care can be, to understand that lack of access to it is one of the many reasons that an estimated 41% of transgender people have attempted suicide, according to one survey.

Page has been in the political trenches for a while, having leaned into progressive activism after coming out as queer in 2014. For two seasons, he and best friend Ian Daniel filmed Gaycation, a Viceland series that explored LGBTQ culture around the world and, at one point, showed Page grilling Senator Ted Cruz at the Iowa State Fair about discrimination against queer people. In 2019, Page made a documentary called There’s Something in the Water, which explores environmental hardships experienced by communities of color in Nova Scotia, with $350,000 of his own money. That activism extends to his own industry: in 2017, he published a Facebook post that, among other things, accused director Brett Ratner of forcibly outing him as gay on the set of an X-Men movie. (A representative for Ratner did not respond to a request for comment.)

As a trans person who is white, wealthy and famous, Page has a unique kind of privilege, and with it an opportunity to advocate for those with less. According to the U.S. Trans Survey, a large-scale report from 2015, transgender people of color are more likely to experience unemployment, harassment by police and refusals of medical care. Nearly half of all Black respondents reported being denied equal treatment, verbally harassed and/or physically attacked in the past year. Trans people as a group fare much worse on such stats than the general population. “My privilege has allowed me to have resources to get through and to be where I am today,” Page says, “and of course I want to use that privilege and platform to help in the ways I can.”

Since his disclosure, Page has been mostly quiet on social media. One exception has been to tweet on behalf of the ACLU, which is in the midst of fighting anti-trans bills and laws around the country, including those that ban transgender girls and women from participating in sports. Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves says he will sign such a bill in the name of “protect[ing] young girls.” Page played competitive soccer and vividly recalls the agony of being told he would have to play on the girls’ team once he aged out of mixed-gender squads. After an appeal, Page was allowed to play with the boys for an additional year. Today, several bills list genitalia as a requirement for deciding who plays on which team. “I would have been in that position as a kid,” Page says. “It’s horrific.”

All this advocacy is unlikely to make life easier. “You can’t enter into certain spaces as a public trans person,” says the ACLU’s Strangio, “without being prepared to spend some percentage of your life being threatened and harassed.” Yet, while he seems overwhelmed at times, Page is also eager. Many of the political attacks on trans people—whether it is a mandate that bathroom use be determined by birth sex, a blanket ban on medical interventions for trans kids or the suggestion that trans men are simply wayward women beguiled by male privilege—carry the same subtext: that trans people are mistaken about who they are. “We know who we are,” Page says. “People cling to these firm ideas [about gender] because it makes people feel safe. But if we could just celebrate all the wonderful complexities of people, the world would be such a better place.”

Even if Page weren’t vocal, his public presence would communicate something powerful. That is in part because of what Paisley Currah, a professor of political science at Brooklyn College, calls “visibility gaps.” Historically, trans women have been more visible, in culture and in Hollywood, than trans men. There are many explanations: Our culture is obsessed with femininity. Men’s bodies are less policed and scrutinized. Patriarchal people tend to get more emotional about who is considered to be in the same category as their daughters. “And a lot of trans men don’t stand out as trans,” says Currah, who is a trans man himself. “I think we’ve taken up less of the public’s attention because masculinity is sort of the norm.”

During our interviews, Page will repeatedly refer to himself as a “transgender guy.” He also calls himself nonbinary and queer, but for him, transmasculinity is at the center of the conversation right now. “It’s a complicated journey,” he says, “and an ongoing process.”

While the visibility gap means that trans men have been spared some of the hate endured by trans women, it has also meant that people like Page have had fewer models. “There were no examples,” Page says of growing up in Halifax in the 1990s. There are many queer people who have felt “that how they feel deep inside isn’t a real thing because they never saw it reflected back to them,” says Tiq Milan, an activist, author and transgender man. Page offers a reflection: “They can see that and say, ‘You know what, that’s who I am too,’” Milan says. When there aren’t examples, he says, “people make monsters of us.”

For decades, that was something Hollywood did. As detailed in the 2020 Netflix documentary Disclosure, transgender people have been portrayed onscreen as villainous and deceitful, tragic subplots or the butt of jokes. In a sign of just how far the industry has come—spurred on by productions like Pose and trailblazers like Mock—Netflix offered to change the credits on The Umbrella Academy the same day that its star posted his statement on social media. Now when an episode ends, the first words viewers see are “Elliot Page.”

Today, there are many out trans and nonbinary actors, directors and producers. Storylines involving trans people are more common, more respectful. Sometimes that aspect of identity is even incidental, rather than the crux of a morality tale. And yet Hollywood can still seem a frightening place for LGBTQ people to come out. “It’s an industry that says, ‘Don’t do that,’” says director Silas Howard, who got his break on Amazon’s show Transparent, which made efforts to hire transgender crew members. “I wouldn’t have been hired if they didn’t have a trans initiative,” Howard says. “I’m always aware of that.”

So what will it mean for Page’s career? While Page has appeared in many projects, he also faced challenges landing female leads because he didn’t fit Hollywood’s narrow mold. Since Page’s Instagram post, his team is seeing more activity than they have in years. Many of the offers coming in—to direct, to produce, to act—are trans-related, but there are also some “dude roles.”

Downtime in quarantine helped Page accept his gender identity. “I was finally able to embrace being transgender,” he says.

Page was attracted to the role of Vanya in The Umbrella Academy because—in the first season, released in 2019—Vanya is crushed by self-loathing, believing herself to be the only ordinary sibling in an extraordinary family. The character can barely summon the courage to move through the world. “I related to how much Vanya was closed off,” Page says. Now on set filming the third season, co-workers have seen a change in the actor. “It seems like there’s a tremendous weight off his shoulders, a feeling of comfort,” says showrunner Steve Blackman. “There’s a lightness, a lot more smiling.” For Page, returning to set has been validating, if awkward at times. Yes, people accidentally use the wrong pronouns—“It’s going to be an adjustment,” Page says—but co-workers also see and acknowledge him.

The debate over whether cisgender people, who have repeatedly collected awards for playing trans characters, should continue to do so has largely been settled. However, trans actors have rarely been considered for cisgender parts. Whatever challenges might lie ahead, Page seems exuberant about playing a new spectrum of roles. “I’m really excited to act, now that I’m fully who I am, in this body,” Page says. “No matter the challenges and difficult moments of this, nothing amounts to getting to feel how I feel now.”

This includes having short hair again. During our interview, Page keeps rearranging strands on his forehead. It took a long time for him to return to the barber’s chair and ask to cut it short, but he got there. And how did that haircut feel?

Page tears up again, then smiles. “I just could not have enjoyed it more,” he says.”