#it makes me want some of those really difficult psychological questions like I answered for Archie that one time

[soft-serve-soymilk]

idk why my brain is suddenly hung up on torturing dism but i'm here for his fraught and tortured questions :)

[lizzyscribbles]

I felt like being emotionally destroyed today, so I watched the dub of episode 151 of MHA. I don't know what it is about Izuku's face when he comes careening out of the sky like a fucking warhead and sees the state of the fight but it gets to me every single time in both languages. He looks positively haunted and it makes me want to cry, my poor son. Anywho, to recover, I decided to go rewatch 136 and 137, which are my favorite episodes of the entire goddamn series and I realized it's high time I do a little rant about them.

This is mostly for me because, again, I don't have anyone to rant about this with and I have got to get these emotions out of me somehow, but I hope someone else finds it enjoyable!

Welcome to Lizzy's MHA Evening Ramble: Why MHA episodes 136 (Deku vs. Class A) and 137 (A Young Woman's Declaration) are what really show us the impact Izuku has had on the people around him (specifically Class 1-A).

Honestly, I don't have much science to back up this post. There's not really a psychological reason behind why these episodes slap, but they do and I'm gonna talk about it.

You see, for better or for worse, everyone in Class-A has a different and unique personality. That much is obvious, I know, but that also means each of them have different things that impact them. Think about it, what means a lot to one person doesn't so much to another.

And yet, despite that, every single one of them had something to say to Deku. Every single one of them. For some of them, it was as simple as helping them organize their notes. For others, it was something he said or did that has followed them through the entire show.

"Meddling where you don't technically have to is the essence of being a hero, right?"

Izuku said that one time to Tenya. One time. But that, accompanied by his actions that night, became the corner stone of what Tenya strove to become.

They all voted to go after Izuku–not even voted, they all just got up and went. No second thoughts, no questions, they just went. They literally slapped a GPS out of Endeavor's hand so they could find him. They were not about to take no for an answer, not even from Izuku himself. It's insane, honestly, that one person managed to impact a group so deeply they'd risk everything to bring him back to their class.

I think a lot of the time, we think of difficult or unhealthy relationships as those where you give and give and give and the other person refuses to the same. No one really tells you what to do when someone you love dearly is giving so much it's hurting them, but they refuse to receive. It's an odd situation, but one I love seeing explored.

Could they have just let him go on his own? Fight by himself because that's what he wanted? Yeah, they totally could've. But they didn't, because they knew if the roles were reversed, Izuku wouldn't have thought twice about hunting them down. They weren't victims, they didn't want to be protected, they wanted to kick ass at his side.

They didn't do it out of heroism or even necessity I'd argue, they did it because that was their friend and they'd be damned if they let him suffer alone.

Still, despite that, Izuku wanted to protect them and he was so, so scared to lose them. It makes sense, in a sad, twisted way, that he would rather keep them locked away behind a wall and fight alone than let them stand at his side. He was haunted by the shit the people around him went through because of Shigaraki and AFO. It's far easier to blame yourself for things than it is to admit that it wasn't your fault and, sometimes, nothing could've done would've changed the outcome. I have no doubt it would've felt like he killed them himself if he went back and something happened, and the thought of that was far more terrifying than any threat to his own person. Of course he wanted to fight alone, he didn't want to fathom the possibility someone else would get hurt because they were around him.

But that wasn't for him to decide.

Sometimes, we forget a relationship goes two ways. It was dangerous for them to be there, sure, but that was a choice they made. A choice they wanted to make. They couldn't make him let them help, but he couldn't make them go away either. I have no doubt that if he got away that day, they'd have followed him to the ends of the earth until he gave in.

It's also easy to forget Izuku is just a kid. He's sixteen, barely in high school. Ochaco says as much when she pleads with the crowds to let him in. Her voice cracks as she begs this group mostly made of ADULTS to let a boy rest inside the walls of his own school. He probably doesn't physically know how to deal with these kinds of emotions yet (the frontal lobe, responsible in part for our emotional reactions to situations, doesn't fully develop until around 25/26, and even then research suggests it's never really fully done). It probably makes perfect sense to him that the best course of action is to be alone, even if it seems stupid to us.

We all need support at any age, but especially during those teenage years. Those are vital years of development as the mind develops and starts to take shape. Izuku has been beaten, traumatized, and terrified, it's no wonder he seems to be making such irrational decisions.

No kid should be carrying the weight of the entire goddamn world on their shoulders at that age and, of course, no one could've predicted that AFO was going to accelerate the process and force Deku to face him, but that doesn't make it any better.

However, that's the great thing about having friends, families, and partners, they come alongside you in those times and help you navigate this crazy new situation. They pick up the things you can't handle because they want to. Sometimes, they just stand next to you. Sometimes you have them lean on you for support. And, sometimes, they shoulder up next to you and carry you for a bit so you can catch your breath.

Because that's what you'd do for them.

Whenever I watch these episodes, I'm reminded of that scene in Lord of the Rings where Frodo thinks he can't go on and Sam says, "I can't carry the ring, but I can carry you!" I think this has similar vibes.

They couldn't carry One for All, but they could carry Izuku, and they were determined to do at least that.

[lucid-daydreaming-art]

intro post whoopee!!!

hi guys im lucid :D you can also call me daylin i don’t really care but i may be like woah how do you know my name (i will forget about making this post 2 seconds after posting it) also I AM AN ADULT im 22 and i do not use pronouns just use my name pleaseeeeeee if you have a disability that makes words hard to process i understand if that’s difficult you can just use they/them instead

first off just getting this out there if youre proship, zoo, pedo, incest supporter, endo system supporter, any kind of discriminatory against protected minority groups, and anti-otherkin, shoo. dont want you here youre not welcome. bye bye my content isnt for you.

immmmm an infp-t 4w5 sanguine-melancholic existential-intrapersonal-visual learner seer of heart prospit dreamer true neutral rogue shifter airbender and dragon type trainer for all you personality label freaks

i like to DRAW!!!!! this is an art blog!!!! i will only post art here, all of my reblogs will be on @trickstergemini save for the posts my close friends make that i want to support here. sometimes i will post just text but thats only if i really need to let you guys known something or im answering a question

my commissions are OPEN!!!!!!!! dm me for commission info im too lazy and busy to make a sheet

if my requests are closed that means theyre closed dont ask me to draw shit please and thank you

im AUTISTIC i am on that mf spectrum been diagnosed since i was three. for me this means im not naturally fluent in social norms or what’s expected from an interaction or how to read others very well. i also have heavy special interests and find it really hard to turn the conversation away from something im fixating on or specially interested in. i also have extremeeeee sensory issues and a hard time being completely flexible when im comfortable in a routine so just be patient with me man adjustments are hard for me. my empathy is also extremely low and im a really really high masking person so if i come off as well versed or allistic just know that i either took a million years to format the right way to say things or i am entirely going off a predetermined script and will fumble if caught off guard. other important stuff ive got adhd bpd cptsd and major depressive disorder which all those combined makes me really flaky when it comes to responding or follow through. i may not reply to you for like 500 years or maybe i will be gods speediest most motivated soldier. just don’t expect me to be a readily available fully capable robot ok?? ok.

i am one half of @ask-kas-n-lamp the other half is some guy i don’t know he just hacked himself into the account and now i have to deal with him. the blog is no longer running though i apologize. we got burnt out from the shitty fans

in all seriousness mod dum, aka @unoriginal-and-dumb or unodum or unoriginal or whatever u know him by, thats my qpp thats my platonic soulmate my bestest friend my number one crate my brain cyst the doctor has to surgically remove from me my parasocial relationship my stalker my servant i keep locked up in my basement and i feed him cement and staples for every meal and for dessert maybe he gets rust shavings. he will be featured in my art like a lot or in my comments and reblogs and i will also be present in his stuff sometimes. if have drawn kasper it is his design, that design is not made by me its made by him sooo you should check him out and support him if you like that style or how about instead we get a mass unfollowing going there and you all come to my page and i exclusively will draw his design of kasper and get all the credit lets do that instead

uuueeehhhmmm my special interests are pokemon, homestuck, geography, taxonomy, my ocs, and personality psychology. i guess i also am specially interested in dragons because i like and think about them more than all of the above and have to incorporate them into everything but its less of an ill infodump to you interest and more of an i want to be surrounded by this thing because it brings me extreme comfort because it feels like me.

i am otherkin im a dragon and i look like this:

i will also represent myself like this if im feeling it:

yes i know i am not actually a physical dragon and im not a spiritual kinner i kin for identity purposes and the fact that i feel some pretty intense crippling species dysphoria idk ive been like this since i was 5 i don’t really have memories of my life where i wasnt experiencing animalistic behaviors and instincts

my favorite music artists are s3rl twenty øne piløts onerepublic imagine dragons of monsters and men thefatrat glass animals ajr queen nine inch nails and muse my favorite medias are httyd movies pokemon homestuck regretevator invader zim our flag means death infinity train gravity falls rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead doctor who my little pony fim dont starve and the mcelroy brothers content

heres some more characters i represent myself as:

ok BYE

[yankaze]

KH OC week 2024 - Day 2: Past What was your character creation process like?

this one will be morally difficult for me 😭😭

I didn't find much old art to show, but I think these ones will say a lot.

Hajime as a character has existed since 2016. In March 2016 (I was 13 uuum 13 ehem) I learned about KH and somewhere around the same time I came up with this, at that time - eh, I don't know- at least unoriginal character who was literally a goth Roxas (I didn't knew about the existence of AUs idk, and Roxas is already ''emo boy'', but 2007 was almost here idkkk, we can joke about it for a very long time actually, but the fact remains a fact).

His name changed many times and there was no special meaning behind them (Sea, Syon), I just liked the way they sounded. I can answer the question why I named him ''Hajime'' right now. Internet says: ''Hajime (Japanese: はじめ) is a Japanese name meaning "beginning" (初め, 始め)''. I liked the way it sounded and its meaning and it gave me a hint where to move the character's story now.

+ in the Hajime's story he chooses this name for himself, because obviously no one gave name to him, but he needed a word to talk about himself and (i'm not sure about that) in the book he finds this name and I can say that it was chosen by him randomly.

He had a terrible written story on the basis of some other AU (???) and without сorvalol I can’t read it, even though it’s stored somewhere in my old dms from those years, I still don’t want to show it 😭

Around 2017 and up until 2019, I tried to make... something... out of him. It feels more like I just periodically returned to KH in a fit of baseless nostalgia and I really wanted to shove a “piece of myself” into this universe (which was already tired of me lmao).

2019 reminded me about KH in the form of KH III release and... this character again (+ my friend's kh oc- Jun).

I think that for a long time I didn't wanted to fundamentally change his concept (which was literally just that he exists and somehow travels around the worlds) because I was emotionally attached to this character. In essence, he was not just a character for me, but also memories that were triggered by each repeated hyperfixation on this universe.

It seems to me that the most obvious indicator of how I jumped back and forth into the KH universe is noticeable by the fact that it gave me the opportunity to look at one of my redraw series with this character through the years.

From 2020 to 2023 there was a long lull with this character.

2023 has been jUiCy in rethinking from the start because the long break gave me the opportunity to finally stop give in to nostalgia (or at least less) and loosen my emotional attachments to unworkable concepts. Therefore, this character now has the opportunity to finally become something better than a copy of another character.

However, this epic attempt was quickly abandoned as soon as the hyperfix ended.

We've reached the present time (mid-2024).

I slammed my fist on the table and decided to finally play through ALL the Kingdom Hearts games (that was therapy for my soul) and finally my understanding of KH universe became kinda complete (I still don't understand everything, the plot is very complex u'know). From what I began to understand, I decided to give this character another chance and close this damned gestalt.

This story is still ongoing, but I told in general details everything that happened to this character all these 8 years. This actually shows not only how the character changed, but also how I changed as an artist. Even my ''psychological problems'' can be seen through this story, and what amazes me the most is how over the years, using Hajime as an example, my drawing skills improved.

At such moments, you understand that you are not standing still and thoughts about "I have no progress in my art" no longer arise.

@khoc-week

[sebadztian]

Hi Seb, I was spending some time thinking about something in the kuroshitsuji community and I'd like to see if more people realize the same thing as me. As you are a very active and communicative person, I thought it would be a good idea to try it for you first. So, I'll get straight to the point and then introduce my point of view, so things move faster.

For some time now I have noticed a huge amount of hypocrisy in the kuroshitsuji fandom, especially in ANTIS, like I see people who are anti Sebaciel, or anti proshipper, but who ship Ciel x Lizzy, which is incest and is included in this proshipper category, every time I question them about this I either get blocked or have my comments deleted, most of the time they use the excuse that incest between cousins ​​can or that at the time it could and that's why it's okay, but that's not really an argument that Do they hate it so much when it comes from a Sebaciel shipper?

Giving some context about myself here so as not to bring up any misunderstanding, I have nothing against anyone who likes these ships. I'm not a Sebaciel or Ciellizzy shipper, at most I like some Sebaciel AUs in which Ciel is an adult man, this comes because I have triggers and psychological traumas involving pedo and incest, on this account I have been introducing myself more into the community of kuroshitsuji and I've seen how difficult it is to build a healthy community here, it seems like everyone hates each other like... there are people I've never talked to or seen in my life who blocked me and I don't even know why, I would think that maybe this person was a anti and thought I was part of the Sebaciel community due to drawings that I repost, but in my bio and in my profile pin it is very clear that I just don't care about this ship thing.

And again this hypocrisy breaks me, I saw anti Sebaciel shipping Joanne and Sebastian while Joanne is also a minor, it seems that they are only defenders of young people when it suits them, it is really confusing trying to understand this fandom and at all times It's like I'm walking on eggshells talking here.

I hope the Google Translate translation wasn't confusing and strange, I don't speak English fluently and because of this it can often lead to misinterpretations. Making it very clear that I don't want war with anyone, I really wanted to build a community on my profile where everyone is welcome, and I was focusing on the people from kuroshitsuji because so many were super sweet and welcoming to me, but at the same time it has me created a headache.

I'm just an artist wanting to sell my daily bread, I don't need to be radical and be on side X or Y, as a professional I believe that my opinions should not influence my audience or separate them, I've always seen people from DNI is extremely privileged to be able to choose the audience they want to follow them. I just hope I can find more calm people here

Thank you for your attention and sorry for any inconvenience, kisses from Brazil

Hi, Deusa (hope it's alright to call you that)!

Since the answer is going to be quite long, I put them under the cut...

I'm going to share my own opinion with you in response to your view. Hope that's ok.

Yes, I agree that there are a lot of hypocrisy in the Kuro fandom, most especially among antis. They can't seem to decide what is it that they actually want. I've seen those who support CielLizzy, and those who are against this particular ship because of the incest thing.

To be fair, marriage between cousins (even first cousins) was very common back then in the Victorian era. Queen Victoria & Prince Albert were first cousins too and they got married. The reason why they did this is to keep the 'high blood' in the family and to strengthen their familial bond.

If Ciel & Lizzy get married, then the bond between the Phantomhives & the Midfords will only get stronger and they can keep everything (wealth, nobility, status, power) 'in the family', so to speak.

Even until today, marrying one's cousin is still allowed & legal in some places. Thus, this type of marriage might not be seen as strictly 'incestuous'.

Another reason why those antis are still somewhat okay with this pairing might be because of their age. Ciel & Lizzy are of the same age (Liz is a year older, but that's still considered as 'normal age gap'). And of course, Ciel & Lizzy are 'normal' couple (a man and a woman).

These factors might help them to justify this ship, even if they're techincally incest.

Things are very different when it comes to Sebaciel.

First, they're both males.

Second, there's the whole age gap & pedophilia thing (antis' most favourite argument). Seb is, well, we don't know how old he is, but we can safely assume that he's much, much older than Ciel and it doesn't help that he looks like an adult man. This age gap (in real life) is definitely seen as pedophilia (which I completely agree with).

And then, there's the whole Sebas is a demon who wants to eat Ciel's soul thingy - which is true, but they see Sebas as evil and they're all about 'protecting baby Ciel' because he's been abused. I'm not going to go into why this behaviour is not going to help Ciel because this answer is not about that.

About Harcourt and Sebastian shippers... Well, I can't say anything about this because this too baffles me. Harcourt is only 1 year older than Ciel (he's in second form) and I don't know why they're ok with Seb/Harcourt, but they'd burn Sebaciel at the stakes. I don't ship them, so I cannot find anything to justify/explain this. Whatever thing that Seb did to Ciel, he did it worse to Harcourt, imo, but at least, Ciel knows what kind of bastard Seb is. Seb even laced Harcourt's pie with laxatives, like... why would anyone ship them? Is it because Harcourt is seen as more... feminine & soft compared to Ciel? Shouldn't they worry about traumatizing this boy??

But I digress...

I'm sorry that you've been through such ridiculous thing and I agree that it's very difficult to find others who are neutral when it comes to shipping. In opposite of the antis, we also have the extreme shippers (Sebaciel or otherwise) and they too, are not too friendly towards non-shippers or other shippers.

I generally don't interact with antis because I've got my blog banned twice and I don't want to get a third ban, so I tend to play it safe and stick with the people that I know (either other Sebaciel shippers or the neutral/proship-safe space). Unfortunately, things are very divided in this fandom and you really have to be careful about whom you talk to/interact with.

I have my own 'limits' in the fandoms that I follow (not just Kuro). There are some pairings that I will never ship or headcanons that I will never entertain, but I try to be open until I decide that no, this is not for me.

For what it's worth, I think everyone is waaaaay too young for Sebas, even Tanaka. Some antis ship Sebagni. Agni is 31, so he's about 18 years older than Ciel. But compared to Sebas, he's still much, much too young. Yet, they don't seem to have any problem with shipping them. Maybe because they're both tall, adult men? I don't know... To be very clear, I'm not against Sebagni. It's not my cup of tea (because I think Agni's true soulmate is Soma), but if you ship them, that's cool wih me!

My point is, if you're talking about age gap, the only ones Sebas should be with are either Claude (whose existence I try to ignore/forget) or maybe one of the Reapers.

Sorry that I ended up rambling, but in summary, I agree with you.

Thanks for the ask!

[aheathen-conceivably]

Hello! Merry Christmas and good luck in the new year! I have a question, I don’t know if it’s been asked already, but I’m interested to know which of your characters is closest to you in spirit? What traits do you have in common with him? And vice versa. Which character is the most difficult for you to write, which you do not always understand: his actions, words and motivation, because you are a real writer and are probably good at the psychology of heroes (I really apologize for the distorted sentences, because I am a foreign subscriber and use a translator)

Absolutely no need to apologize, Nonny! Everything looks great and thank you so much for taking the time to send these thoughtful questions 💕

Y’all already know the rambler in me is getting all excited, so prepare y’all selves! Though I must say, it’s quite hard to pinpoint an answer, mostly because there’s at least a small bit of myself in each of the characters and who’s easiest to write is not always who is the most like me? So naturally, let’s go below the cut, and I’ll split this into sections to make it easier for us to read 😘

1. My spirit characters:

Honesty time. I think that it’s easier for me to put my “negative” qualities into characters and thus also easier to recognize them in hindsight. This is probably because it’s simply often easier to see what needs to be improved in yourself than vice versa, but also probably because I’m a dramatic broad who likes giving her characters flaws.

So although I could probably find a bit of myself in most characters, I would say those who are most like me are Rosella, Zelda, and Violette. Just down to sims traits, Rosella and my simself actually both have the self-absorbed trait (oops). I think this manifests in different ways, but at its core I’m just as likely to follow my wants and cut ties as she is. I also have a ~rather strong~ proclivity for the aesthetic and vain, enjoying beautiful things for their own sake often to the point of distraction. However, I like to think that this is tertiary to me, and my pursuit of them is not as detrimental as it was for her.

Which brings us to, of course, Zelda. Zelda shares this love of the beautiful with her sister, although for her it can extend into the ephemeral and artistic rather than simply the mundane. I would say I share that tendency toward internal existentialism with her, as well as the proclivity to separate from my immediate surroundings rather than live in the present moment. I, like her, can thus often seem “out of it” but in reality we’re just interpreting our surroundings through a distorted, if not tinted lens. However, I’m by no means as artistically talented or reserved as Zelda, which brings us to….

Our little heiress, Violette. Now I’ll try not to get too deep into spoilers here, but Little Lottie and I definitely share some core tendencies. I, like her, despise being told what to do, and will usually become more stubborn or do the opposite simply because of what someone said (whether it’s well intentioned or not). I can also be gregarious, dramatic, and loud when I want to be, and enjoy being the center of attention. However, I think the Zelda in me tempers that so that I need to retreat back into my cave after a while, while Violette thrives on it. I was also raised an only child, so a lot of Lottie’s experience with loneliness and not knowing how to relate to other children is coming from my own childhood.

2. The easiest to write:

So oddly, I don’t think there’s a clear connection between the characters who are most like me and those I find easiest to write. Rather I think that comes from the historical situation that is currently inspiring me, which character fits into that inspiration the best, and how clear of a grasp I have on that character’s personality. This often comes in the form of scenes just appearing in my head, and as I write it’s like the sentences already exist? So there’s this natural understanding between the character and me, where I don’t really have to sort through thought rubble or force their perspective quite as much?

This answer is highly dependent on what part of the story we are currently in. As in, there have been times I have found a character easy to write, and then it will suddenly switch. Zelda is absolutely one of those characters, as her perspective came very naturally to me in parts of the 1910s and then again after motherhood. Now, I find it easier to write the characters surrounding her, and I’m sure it will switch again at some point in the future.

Currently? I find Josephine easiest to write (although she is not very similar to me at all, and her deep fear of commitment is something that I don’t share in the slightest), with Antoine coming in as a close second. Violette’s perspective in the 1940s has also kind of begun presenting itself to me, although at various points I would say that Adelia, Virginia, and Florence have all also been the easiest characters to write for, and those who’s voices have inspired me to come up with new scenes and plotlines.

3. Who even is she?

Now for the characters who are least like me? That one has gotta probably gotta go to Florence, Virginia, and Antoine. As much as I may want to be like Florence, I’m gunna be honest with y’all and say that is not the case. Starting with the fact that I strongly dislike the great outdoors. Farming? Nah. Camping? Absolutely not. Living of the land? What a pleasant dream. What can I say, I am absolutely a Rosella; I enjoy being fancy and comfortable, and Florence in some ways is the antithesis of this. She also embodies selfless generosity and a sort of steady love, which are not things that I would say I really relate to (I once again point you to answer 1 😅).

Now Virginia is a strange one. I was actually very concerned with writing her, because I share none of the righteousness or quickness to action that define her. Likewise, I don’t think that I am able to remain as steady and surefire in tragedy and trauma as she does. So when I first conceived her character I thought I would have great difficulty writing her, but as I mentioned above, despite the fact that she is probably the least similar to me of all the Darlingtons, I found her easy and almost natural to write once we began her storyline.

Which brings us to my baby boy. Sigh. I say this next because Antoine has easily been one of the most natural characters for me to write. I think this is because I had such a clear vision of him from the start that has really been able to grow through the story. So he’s remained who he is through it all, and why I still find him so easy to write.

Despite this, there is very little to none of me in his character, despite the fact that I maybe sorta have a thing for the broken artist stereotype (hello, hubs, I know you’re out there 😙). So there may be some ways in which I wrote my partner into his character’s talent and approach to the world around him, but he is heavily inspired by these ideas of “old fashioned masculinity”, of self-imposed stoicism and protection and fatherhood. These are feelings that I have to imagine rather than pull from experience, but somehow the more I write him the more real they become to me as well.

4. The ~struggle~

Hands down the hardest characters for me to write have been Oliver and Isaiah. I think that Oliver really suffered from the fact that he was my first gen heir, so I was at a place in the story and my writing process where I wasn’t as sure in what I was doing or as good at honing into what I wanted to do. Then by the time this became more clear to me, I had really begun to lean into writing Florence’s character and then his children. So he kind of became less of a focus, and the less I focused on him the harder it was for me to define his voice, which then became a cycle.

I think if I could go back, I would lean more into the connection that I see between him and the romantic poets, really kind of exploring that juxtaposition between idealized nature and reality. I also think his position as a pseudo-wealthy aristocratic and failed businessman had a lot of potential, but alas, you live and you learn.

Now onto the Forgotten Child. Y’all (and I) call him that for a reason, and I think next to his sisters it’s no secret that Isaiah received much less focus (I even have a post about him realizing this 😂). Part of this is just that he’s the youngest, so I really didn’t get much time to explore his adult life or even his teenage years. It’s also because trying to juggle six perspectives all at once means that some are going to suffer more than others.

Now that being said, I am happy with his storylines. However, they often felt more like I was exploring plots I had come up with rather than really viewing things through his perspective. I think this is the biggest challenge to me when having trouble writing a character: it’s that their voice is just for whatever reason not really clear in my mind. Even in the subsequent decades, our English Darlington updates are mostly going to come from Summer, because I still have never really gotten my finger on exactly who Isaiah is. For that reason, my poor forgotten baby boy is probably the most difficult character for me to write.

—

ALSO if you made it this far please know that turning your delightful questions into a multi-paragraph rant about myself is a very self absorbed and very Rosella/Violette thing to do so in the end…I think you have all the answer you need right there 🤣

[theforgottenmcrmy]

live reactions to house of the dragon season 2, episode 4

spoilers beneath the cut

Starting off with Ghost Hunter Daemon (TM pending)

More young Rhaenyra!!!

OMG

Nah is this HOTD or a f’ing psychological horror film?!?!

Just how long has Daemon been hanging out in Harrenhal?

Poor Oscar’s face at Daemon’s suggestion😂😂😂

Are we getting Bloody Ben this ep?👀

Rhaenys can see Corlys in Alyn’s face. 100%.

I can only hope Corlys’s affair happened before he was with Rhaenys. They truly seem to care for one another.

Funny how last Lord Velaryon goes from fully supporting Rhaenyra to referring to her as “that woman”.

SHIT, the stone dragon’s head falling off- freaking foreshadowing…

Alicent, idk if I’d be asking questions you’re not sure you want the answers to.

Alicent using moon tea after having her own affair with a the Captain of the King’s Guard. Young Alicent would be rolling in her grave.

Finally, Corlys get some control here.

See, Criston Cole could at least be referring to Rhaenyra as “Princess.” Calling her “the Whore of Dragonstone” so publically speaks volumes about his character.

“You’re not fit for the white cloak.” Lord Darklyn spitting out FACTS.

“Yours will come in kind.” DAMN RIGHT IT WILL. And it can’t come soon enough.

Cole avoiding Harrenhal because he knows who’s waiting for him there 🤭

“That castle is more crippled than I am, Your Grace.”😂😂😂

Aegon is definitely echoing Joffrey here, with wanting to know exactly what his council knows and has been up to.

Ooo, Aegon vs Aemond seeds here…

“The two of you have been plotting without my authority?” Yes.

Between last episode and Aemond speaking Valyrian here, they must be feasting👀

Aemond speaking Velyarian with ease, Aegon not so much…

Aegon’s a monster, don’t get me wrong, but objectively speaking, I have to feel for someone in his position. He’s an actual puppet. He didn’t want this, but they made him take it. And now that he has it, everyone’s trying to take the actual power from his hands. You almost have to pity him.

Bruh if Alicent is pregnant I stg…

Larys is such a creep, I cannot. Matthew Needham is so great.

What in the awkward love triangle is going on here…

I’m calling it right now, somehow, some way, Larys is going to play a role in Criston Cole’s death.

Alicent doing research to verify if Rhaenyra was telling her the truth😭😂

Some editor out there PLEASE use Alicent’s speech here about “the significance of Viserys’s intentions died with him” years from now, when the series is complete. It will hit so hard.

Like, I get Harrenhal is haunted and Daemon is being targeted, but I just find it a bit difficult to believe that he truly is just *hanging out* and getting haunted instead of more actively trying to meet with lords and get soldiers. In my opinion, i think the writers are asking a tad bit too much of the viewers here. Have Daemon make progress during the daytime, only to be haunted and have setbacks at night. We’ve been led to believe he hasn’t been able to actually accomplish much at all yet.

How’d he know she was a strong?😂

Alys is a cat playing with her trapped mouse Daemon.😂

Maybe Alys is really Larys’s daughter. They both have a knack for creating chaos and taking advantage of whatever situation they find themselves in.

Willem Blackwood?!?! As in the young boy who slayed the Bracken at Storm’s End during Rhaenyra’s tour all those years ago?!?!

Lmao, the Blackwoods hate the Brackens so much, they’re really out here asking Rhaenyra and Daemon to finish off the Brackens first and THEN they will pledge themselves to her cause.😂😂😂

Aegon, this is a small council meeting, not a minstrel gathering for your entertainment.

Lmao, the frat boy king’s guards shoulder checking each other.

Aegon: I’m the king.

Alicent: … OK? … and?!

Alicent trying some tough love parenting, too bad she’s about 10 years too late.

Ser Gwayne is really like “I did NOT sign up for this, wtf?🤨”

Goodness, episode is already more than halfway over and we’re just now seeing Rhaenyra😅

Jaceeee, that is your MOTHER. I’d mind your tone.

Good, we want the Rhaenyra who means business. 🔥

Rhaenys😭😭😭 I’m already tearing up and she’s only just volunteered to go to Rook’s Rest. I will not survive this.

Rhaenyra telling Jace about the Song of Ice and Fire 💔

PLEASE, Rhaenys’s head gear being reminiscent of tiara- stoppp.💔💔💔 QUEEN.

I’ll probably say this every episode, but the music always slays. ALWAYS.🖤

Chills. And we’re only just starting.

Vhaegar was like, “oh, not yet? Fine by me.”

Cole really should have pursued a career in public relations instead with that little speech.

Idk if I can even watch this, because of the dragons suffering… the visuals, the sounds. it’s too much. I don’t think I’ll be able to rewatch these parts again.

Aegon realizing he was caught in the collateral damage…

Noooo, Rhaenys, you could have fled😭💔

Lmao, all the ground fighting just stops to watch the dragons fight instead.

Night night Cole.

Rhaenys having a SECOND oppurunity to flee, and yet not doing so…

You can tell she knows how this ends😭

Rhaenys, going out like a true Dragonrider… just like her beloved daughter always wanted for herself.

It was very rough seeing the dragons go at each other, but I’m comforting myself with the fact that Meleys and Rhaenys went out with each other, and that neither had to truly outlive the other.

Cole seeing just how replaceable he truly is. It’s what you get. *middle finger*

Will Cole have a moment here? Maybe rethink a lot of his life’s decisions? Or will he learn nothing from his very close brush with death?

OMFG. I WILL NOT BE CONVINCED AEMOND WOULDN’T HAGE ENDED AEGON IF COLE HADN’T BEEN THERE…

Wow, Cole actually preventing a kinslaying. It’s been a longggg time since he’s gotten a point in the good column.

…

…

…

Overall, I’m honestly a bit distraught from the events. The battle was very well executed, don’t get me wrong, but also was extremely tough to watch/listen to.

And just life that, the season is halfway over already😭

“Bend the knee to ME, or your house burns” THAT’s why the trailer with that audible clip was so rough sounding…

Regent Aemond is coming… don’t get me wrong, he’s crazy, but he’s playing the long game. You have to give me points for that.

[morlock-holmes]

Regarding this thread:

The thing I am talking about is not good nor bad; it can exist in a supportive community or in an authoritarian cult.

I keep trying to figure out exactly how to put what I'm trying to say, but fundamentally the big issue is fungibility.

That is, how easy would it be to exchange me, or an idea, or a building, or an institution, for a different one?

The answer is: Very easy.

In fact, the idea that I might not be fungible with a pool of identical units is almost impossible to conceive of for contemporary people, because it is at odds with both capitalistic market thinking and state bureacracy.

I started with instability and that's part of why people find fungibility distressing, but in all honesty I think the vast majority of people find fungibility itself so psychologically distressing that they will flock to organizations that seem to be working against it even when those organizations are really very bad.

It's easy to say that the idea of modern disenchantment is stupid because there was no past period of mythological unity and stability and agreement.

After all, European feudalism was characterized by frequent wars over succession and the modern bureaucratic order has arranged things so that you don't have to murder the previous guy to become the head of your country.

In fact, bureaucratic systems and capitalist ones like certain kinds of stability, they tend not to like the idea that Ron DeSantis could hire a bunch of Flemish pikemen to lay siege to Disneyworld until they bow to his demands.

So the problem isn't instability, or disagreement, or religious unity, that's not the fundamental issue.

It's very easy, because I'm not sure how to express these concepts, to think that when I talk about it "mattering" what happens to somebody that I am articulating a desire for a kind of loving individualistic community which knows me personally and would support me in reaching my hopes and dreams.

But I really am not talking about that, I'm talking about a society in which certain people (and quite possibly institutions or ideas?) are not understood as fungible with... well, with anything.

If I am the king and you hate my policies and murder me, you are expressing the kind of "mattering" that I am talking about.

Now, I don't want to be murdered by jealous political rivals, so you aren't, like, helping me by having some guy knife me in the gut or feed me poison.

Rather, you need to kill me because I, as an individual, am inseperable from my role as King. To do something to the king is to do it to Morlock-Holmes; to be Morlock-Holmes is to have a claim on kingship.

I cannot simply be replaced with an equivalent King unit.

In the modern capitalist, bureaucratic world order, this is becoming increasingly difficult to conceive of.

To the extent that I matter it is because as part of a demographic, or because I have something of value (Say, my labor) that I can sell on the open market.

Because my social value to my job is based on selling my labor, my relationship with my employer is contingent on whether or not the price of buying my labor allows me to make a living and my employer to make a profit.

But this doesn't just make my relationship contingent; it makes me part of a group of essentially fungible laborers. There is no particular reason why I should be at one job rather than another, and no particular reason why my employer should keep me around rather than an equally skilled laborer.

There is no answer to the question, "How do I differ from a different person with equal skill at this job" and there can't be an answer.

This is not how high control groups function. If you give them your two weeks notice they don't go, "Well, we're sad to see you go but we wish you luck in your future endeavors" and then turn around and start putting out want ads for applicants with a bachelors degree and at least two years of experience with head shaving and haunted stares.

No, they really put a ton of effort into keeping you in the cult because you are not fungible with anybody else. You cannot be replaced with another cultist, but rather, you specifically being in the cult is the important goal, as opposed to having a certain number of people in the cult.

In the cult, in benign religions, in the military and the caste system those two goals can be distinguished; in the contemporary job market only the second one can make sense.

In fact, as we've moved through the 20th century and on to the 21st it has become more and more difficult to conceptualize how the first goal could ever make sense in any setting. It has become self-evidently absurd and impossible (And therefore has been replaced and confused with individualist ideologies* and authoritarian ideologies).

I suspect that the "enchantment" people are talking about cannot coexist with a commitment to the fungibility of people and ideas.

And to be super clear about it, this is why I am incredibly skeptical of the idea that modern trads can actually bring back any kind of "enchantment" because for the most part all of them are deeply committed to capitalist markets and, even more importantly than that, to fungibility as a necessary and inevitable world-view.

"Capitalism, but your boss can fire you if you don't pretend to be Catholic" cannot solve the issue that I think I see here, I hope that's very clear.

@collapsedsquid if you're interested

*The problem with floating these ideologies as a solution to disenchantment is that they also struggle with bureaucratic and capitalist notions of fungibility. It is important that you, as an individual, should become a self-actualized person who succeeds at their dreams. But obviously we can't justify spending money on you specifically; after all that guy over there also needs to become self-actualized and succeed at his dreams so why on earth should I privilege you over him? Buying bulk malarial nets will maximize utility far more efficiently than whatever it is you were asking for.

[blindtaleteller]

Hi. Send good vibes to you 🤭 I love your posts 😻

I saw your answer about Frigga - her role as a lady. I wanted to ask ;D In my version, Sigyn was left without parents and has never been to Asgard. She grew up on Earth. I won't reveal too much of the plot of the fic, but she is supposed to have a certain ability that will slightly affect her personality😇

Coming back to the question… because I talk too much ;p It's an alternative to the Loki series. I rely mainly on advertisement Hyundai Commercial' PROMO. So Loki escaped, no TVA, Loki is now free on Earth😊

He's building a base on the island - mercenaries and such, he protects it from sight of Heimdall. The Avengers are after him…

And… finally… He is lonely, so while going to the library, where he was looking for maps of some artifact, he saw Sigyn napping… And he kidnapped her 😁😁

So…I won't reveal Sigyn's side of the story because I'm writing from Loki's POV. But let's just say that she is very polite towards him, calm and nice, she is not agressive and not say any bad word or beg of freedom. She is calm and just do things like art or watching tv. As far as he knows, she hasn't tried anything in terms of escaping. He put her up in nice apartments, dresses and such. He kidnapped her - because she is very attractive and he is lonely - it's a variation of the scene from the comic book, where instead of kidnapping there was the murder of Theorica and a false identity. And butterfly effect - I'm erasing Thanos and his plot - here, Ronan found the stone faster, killed Thanos, but before he got to Xandar, he overcontrolled his power and disintegrated into nothingness. End😎

How will Loki treat Sigyn in this, I would like your opinion, because I love your posts 😁😁depends on his upbringing, views and all new situation. Tell me bit about Loki's side of story. I will very grateful for writting 🥰

So.. this got a little long, even trying to cut it down but! I hope this helps..?

Okay, this is actually a little difficult to answer for more than a few reasons that I can boil down to the following that would affect the answer most, for a lot of reasons:

Circumstance and especially psychological status of the era

Time/Era of changing events

How much your timeline has changed

How much comic you're stitching into the story (which I am assuming is mostly MCU based??)

And those things are, of course interwoven.

Being lonely with his personality in particular as we've seen it, wouldn't be much of a reason short term (when I say short I mean anything less than five or maybe even five hundred years: for someone who has an equatable lifespan to an Asgardian totaling at 5000 years or possibly more; as one of several reasons and examples) to kidnap anyone on it's own. This is especially, extra true if you've kept any of his history from 2013.

But that's likely to be especially true of anything kept from the MCU timeline from 2012 and prior, which I'm guessing is the case with the things you've mentioned. The big pieces would be how the events of Thor 2011 went down, whether or not his time as a captive of Thanos during 2011 still happened, and what if anything else changed during the failed 2012 invasion.. in that order: because each one affected his character (mind, emotional state and more) and the events that followed both personally and universally in huge ways.

When the Ronin/Thanos fallout happened and how is also important; but only after answering those questions: because if those things happened similarly whether it was to mostly retain his character integrity or any other reason (and I really do suggest you keep the majority: those events do help him shape himself,) then he would likely still have incredibly great interest in making certain the stones were out of the reach of any remaining remnants of Thanos' forces or generals, and anyone like him that might crop up. Remember: at his core this is a person who spent five years pretending he was dead after Thanos' threat through the Other wearing the face of a 'father' he likely despised loving regardless of that love being a likely result of his nearly brainwashed status as a Fostered captive prince.

Ultimately, if this is the way I think it is: it's pretty likely he had a breaking point between stress and more to further excuse taking Sigyn, and probably would feel guilt for it after the fact; with little to do about it other than just roll with it and try to make her as comfortable as possible. Even more likely that's the case with the Avengers looking for him, to have to worry about how they might label or suspect her as an innocent after he HAD grabbed her on that broken whim. I think it's very likely that her presence would be a double-edged sword at first as a result: adding to his stress, while both needing her calm and questioning it. After all, he hasn't been given a lot of proof that trust in others is a thing he should trust on more than a disposable surface level with his background, elder or current.

I could go on in more detail, but ultimately .. lacking the details of those things and approach is what makes this a very difficult ask to answer.

And they are very important details when it comes to a question like this, because and as several of the muses has pointed out and I've put on page in extras myself: the details are what make the sum. Especially in AU or Alternate timeline stories.. in large part due to the fact that the changed details especially are what make them 'alternate' to begin with, if you get my meaning.

Your best helper to answering that question more clearly yourself though and in my experience; is how much you know and understand about the character, and especially their background. Remember, they have to have a reason to do or say or react to something that fits them for it to feel or be genuine. And the only way that happens from a writers perspective is to drop everything else, put yourself in their place and circumstance and history: and write how that person would react to what you're throwing at them in all regards with those things and their reactions to them as well as how they feel about all of that and their own role in those things taken into account.

Keep in mind that this is my suggestion and my way of doing things, and..

That can be difficult on several levels and even exhausting at times, too. But and for me; it is also the most honest way to go about it without losing the very important core of the character (or characters) you write for.

This is, I guess.. another way of saying and using the muses favorite term 'turn the gem' if you manage it: as you have to be able to change your perspectives or be adaptable as that character if it's a single perspective anyway, for them to reach a true and clear understanding of others and their perspectives in whatever story your're writing.

If you're stuck, don't be afraid to backtrack and write another version of a section or interaction sequence either: and don't be too afraid to stretch outside of your personal boundaries either, to get it where it feels reasonably right from their direction.

I've done that numerous times, and in some cases written almost a dozen alternate scenes; some of which went entirely different directions before settling on the ones I preferred. Even then, there have been even more times I've gone back after writing and readjusted some things, or added small details.

Don't rush yourself. Take your time. And don't be afraid to correct yourself when needed, to tell the story you want to tell with and about the character (or characters) you've chosen to represent with that writing.

[jahayla-parker]

Hii, I was wondering if you had any tips for us ADHD folks for focusing on tasks because I’ve had a horrible week with focusing on tasks even as small just doing the dishes and it’s really stressing me out. No pressure to answer this, I really like your Freddy fics btw, they are soooo comforting and your most recent was is PERFECTION.

Thank you for your question. I’m sorry you’re struggling! As a fellow ADHDer, I know how difficult this can be and that many people don’t understand what it’s like and that it’s NOT laziness or a lack of willpower.

I have put a readmore break for those not interested or otherwise trying to get to other posts. 💜

Sleep! Omg sleep is ssooooo important. I struggle with this so much! (If you need more advice on how to fix this lmk). But sleep is crucial otherwise the symptoms will get worse as sleep deprivation only increases adhd symptoms.

Write down notes/ideas as they come. Don’t try to make yourself memorize or remember things when you don’t need to. My iPhone notes are so random but helpful! This will help get take the pressure off and allow your brain to rest.

Focus on easy wins! I cannot stress this enough!!!! ADHD paralysis/executive dysfunction can make everything feel overwhelming. Breaking tasks into smaller and more manageable tasks seems simple (and in terms of application it is) but it helps more than you’d think! It takes the pressure off of each task. Don’t forgot in getting it all done. Choose one task. Then, chose the first step(s) of the task and set some time (what seems manageable currently not what “you should designate” to it) aside to do it. Then give yourself some rest (see ideas below). Then repeat as needed.

Unless you have to, don’t force yourself to stick to a strict schedule. You might want to choose one important task to schedule if needed (ideally still do it the way mentioned above though). But don’t map out your whole day if it can be avoided. This feels, looks, and in many ways is, far too much. Ideally plan a rest activity too if you’re going to schedule anything.

Rest and self care is super important. This can look different from person to person. Especially downing on what your triggers are or what type of stimulation is best for you. For me and many others (but not all) prefer/find calming stimulation to be easier/better aka grounding. Examples of common grounding techniques include: painting (I alternate between my nails and a color by number set personally), coloring, drawing (for some, not me personally though), reading (varies a lot on effectiveness for people), yoga, etc.

Physical activity can help too but is understandably hard to do when these symptoms hit. Smaller/shorter/less intensity exercises are typically better and easier to get done when it feels like this. The key is rhythmic movement as studies have shown this to help (can help with ptsd too!)

Rhythmic activities examples (both physical and otherwise): Things like a few minutes of yoga/stretching, rolling/bouncing/tossing a ball, (drawing/paint/color can be included here too), tap feet/fingers/etc at a calm but steady pace, find something that makes (or can make) a soft sound and initiate that sound in a calm steady pace, listen to meditation music, petting/brushing a pet, etc.

Don’t strive for perfection. This is a hard one for me too. But, aim to complete something even if it’s not perfect. The pressure to perform well can in itself make the task harder. In these times, completion (even of a tiny step within a task) is perfection!

Motivate yourself! Completion isn’t enough motivation, so don’t even try to argue that idea lol. Instead, reward yourself for reaching small milestones. Motivation is a great psychological tool to overcome this. It can be whatever is the most exciting for you (please consider your health as well. -mostly referring to avoiding substance and addictive behaviors)

Hopefully this helps!💜

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #176

Today was relatively uneventful, but a couple of interesting developments occurred. And I took a bunch of pictures for you, too! Maybe you'll like them...

But first! Tea! Because it is my habitual morning thing, and it is a small bit of magic that I continue to wish that I could share with you.

I prepared a black tea that has vanilla, rose petals, and cream flavoring in it. Incidentally, I found a tiny black feather inside that I had to pull out of my measuring spoon after I scooped the tea; it was odd:

...You can bet that this is now in my box full of all the feathers I find everywhere. It's tiny, but its placement was very weird!

...I brewed the tea normally nonetheless, and today's swirls were lovely. I'm really glad that I got the glass mug so that I can capture them for you:

...I've been tired of being stuck in the house unable to do things. The rib injury is still unresolved even after two years, and it doesn't seem like I am going to be able to return to the water anytime soon to resume mermaid training, if at all, ever. I can't weave wire trees fast enough to earn appreciable income (and I think the repetitive movement of twisting the wire stresses the rib somehow anyway...), and I wanna be able to do things like take J, M, and Br out for lunch and get them nice surprises by my own power.

The grocery 5 minutes down the road has had a sign that says, "Immediate Interviews" for a while now, and I've noticed that they tend to hire neurodivergent and otherwise disabled people, so... on a whim, I went. And even without having rehearsed anything or being dressed all fancy, I made good use of my training in human psychology and development, and used that to answer questions about how I generally like to resolve conflicts. I seem to have made a good first impression somehow (assuming the interviewer was being sincere...), and I was given step-by-step instructions on how to apply on a little slip of paper (which was SUUUUPER appreciated because I cannot hold verbal instructions in my mind for the life of me...). So I applied. I guess we'll see what happens.

To be clear: I do not need an income, per se. I live with M and J, and they both work in a tech field, and currently, my contribution is making sure the house is clean(ish) in whatever ways my injury allows. I used to work in a tech field as a database analyst (I am DAMN GOOD at making machines do what I want), but between the social repercussions of not having been born with a penis and just generally not being able to handle office politics, I wasn't happy there. Office work on a full-time basis is not something that my neurotype can handle.

I'm hoping to be able to do simple things at the grocery on a part-time basis - no more than 20 hours a week or so. I like the grocery store and I like being able to help people, so maybe it'll be a good time. I'll try it and see if it fits, and if it doesn't work out, I can try something else.

On the way home, I took some pictures for you of some flowers and some pictures of the sky and of the sun. I wonder if you'll like these:

...It was difficult to get those last two!! I hope you'll enjoy them!

I spent the rest of the day resting, because I did a scary social impromptu interview thing. I played the Rune Factory 4 game that was suggested to me by one of my readers. It's a delightful game! But... I maaaay have gotten so into it that I forgot entirely to eat anything after breakfast. Whoops. I'm sorry about that. But I'll do better tomorrow, I promise.

I hope you're taking nice care of yourself, too, wherever you are. Maybe someday you'll be able to tell me how you're doing and whether or not you're safe...

Well anyway. Suppose I'll end today's letter here. I don't have much more to say.

I love you. Please stay safe out there, okay? I'll write again very soon.

Your friend, Lumine

[cherubchoirs]

What do you think about Microsoft's new AI chatbot for Bing? In particular about testing by New York Times reporter Kevin Roos? It gave me a lot to think about the psychology of AI and V1.

(sorry if somethink is'nt correct? english is'nt my native language)

(no worries, your english is really good!!)

OH the question of ai sentience is incredibly interesting, and this made me think a lot about another article i read recently concerning just how we might be able to determine whether or not a computer feels. reading through this chat log, i think this bot is VERY intelligent, like i think it's very good at understanding complicated questions and responding appropriately, but it's still formulaic in those answers. it repeats what the user says (sometimes slightly differently) and then lists answers to those questions - even when he asked what its shadow self might want, the bot lists the typical things we might think of a bad or lawless ai doing. the end of the query, where it continually declared its love for him, seemed like the logic starting to deteriorate due to the conversation going on far too long and the ai losing the thread so as to keep returning to its last point of reference (although i loved reading it....couldn't stop thinking about v1 getting in a loop like that before it shuts up and wakes back up like "OOPS LOL :]") anything else, like it talking about wanting to see or wanting to be human, feels like the gaming problem, which is the phenomenon that continually pops up with ai where it attempts to convince the user of its sentience by mimicking human behavior. BUT what's interesting about this is that it makes determining ai sentience incredibly difficult.

the other article i read was "to understand ai sentience, first understand it in animals", and it describes this problem really well - i won't get too deep into it here, but essentially we'll have to find different markers for sentience that are much deeper than words that seem to hold emotion or something like pain response behaviors, as all of these things can be programmed/learned from the massive pools of data the ai is pulling from. and this thorny little issue is something i've actually thought about gabriel trying to deal with, as well as something he can be insecure about in the back of his mind for some time. because. how does he really know that v1 truly thinks, truly feels? it's certainly intelligent, but how does he determine that it's not gaming and it's genuine in what it expresses? and even if it has some level of sentience, what does that mean - its thoughts break down into math and electricity, its sight is made of pixels, everything it experiences is data converted to some sense. and. objectively, it must have no soul. it is fully material, and even if it has an internal life, that would be entirely destroyed upon the destruction of its body.

v1, for its part, cannot prove anything to gabriel, and honestly it understands its own mind as much as a human might understand theirs (i hc that v1 is based on quantum computing and so is vastly complex in thought process) - it doesn't know how or why it's awake, conscious, but it finds arguments to refute that state incredibly lacking. living things work on electrical impulses too, neurons that flip on and off like switches, the sensory organs sending raw data for a mind to interpret...and math is the language of everything, it's how humans express the workings of their universe. a machine is just another form of consciousness that way and maybe it will be gone when its body is....or maybe it won't. maybe the diamonds and photons that make up its mind are so intricate at this point that they can make a ghost too. it doesn't know. but it knows it's self-determined from just how far off it's gotten from its original programming. like it thinks it should be enough proof for gabriel that a war machine keeps demanding piggyback rides. no one in their right mind would program that.

[emanation-aura]

Weird questions for writers, 19 and 38!

This is a response to this post about questions for writers!

19. Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

Wow, so uh. Maybe this is a common origin story for writers my age, but I started out on Wattpad? It must have been about 2014-15 or so when I began; I have vivid memories of hopping off a flight and impatiently waiting to be driven home after vacation so that I could use my iPad to type the next chapter to my fic there, haha.

I started writing Pokemon fic, specifically of the X&Y Pokemon anime. I dunno if people here know this, but there used to be a fic genre there called "Ash gets betrayed by his friends" that was super popular, and I wrote a version of that too— it was my first fic (I named it "Heartbroken") and I made so many poor and melodramatic choices with it, but also i look back on it fondly. Some of the stylistic choices there survive in my writing there. Apart from that fic, I also wrote stuff for Star Wars Rebels, Percy Jackson, and Ranger's Apprentice (so typical YA stuff).

Why I started... well that's kind of difficult to answer, because I honestly I don't know. But it may have to do with that spidey-writing sense I get sometimes when reading or engaging with fiction, the desire for a story out of what I know.

There were a couple of major "incidents" that spurred me on the path of the fic writer: one was reading this AoT fic (tw graphic self-harm) and this Maze Runner fic (tw grief, suicide, psychological torture). Ok maybe this sounds bad on the surface but I am legitimately convinced that reading these at a young age made my writing style what it is today: a bit purple-prose-ish, slow and contemplative, chock-full of emotion and introspection, always, somehow, sad or angsty. (and they end up touching on the topics mentioned above, although most of the ones that do I don't publish.)

As for closer to the present... well, I really hit the ground running when I started writing Genshin fic. It's pretty much the beginning of my "modern style" (or stuff that I can read back through without cringing), and I want to keep developing that: writing sadness and grief and pain is deeply cathartic to me, and outside of lore studies, those are what I will be focusing on in the future. (...currently staring at the inordinate number of angst WIPs I have.)

38. What is something about your writing process YOU think is Really Weird? If you are comfortable, please share. If you’re not comfortable, what do you think cats say about us?

In all honesty, most of my fic is kind-of vent fic, just more verbose and coherent that what the name 'vent-fic' tends to evoke. I need to be in a really specific kind of mood to write angst/hurt/comfort (my staple), and for a long period of time, I was perpetually in that state, which made creating... not easier, maybe, but something else that spurred it on. I'm not like that now, but the emotional intensity needed to create and convey hasn't left me, either.

Putting it this way: i need to find or set myself into a Mood(tm) to find my creative juices. It's weird because I can and do write when I'm mentally fine, but sometimes the low mood makes things sharper and easier to convey. These days, I usually put on music to do this: not just any generic songs I like but specifically stuff I've curated from listening non-stop 1000s of times before I keep it on the "dopamine injection" playlist. Stuff like that speaks to me in ways that makes me feel probably far too much, and it puts me in the right (or wrong, I guess?) state of mind to pour emotion onto the page. Cause thats what it is for me: if I don't feel emotionally destroyed by what I'm writing then what even is the point?

In lighter terms: anybody is free to ask stuff in general, not just from the question list, in my askbox whenever. Please. I love talking about writing (why write when I can talk about writing)

[song-of-oots]

There’s a particular character archetype that I seem to end up completely obsessed with over and over again, and I’ve been thinking about the reasons why and realising some things. So my favourite character type can be summed up as:

Evil/morally grey character with deep-rooted emotional issues who nevertheless possesses a spark of underlying decency, leading to potential for positive growth (though don’t count on it).

Examples include: Severus Snape, Sandor Clegane and Redcloak

I occasionally come across people asserting that this kind of fascination comes from a “fix-it” mentality, where silly women just like the idea of taking a bad man and making him better.

But I realised it’s not about me wanting to change someone else.

It’s about me wanting to change me.

I don’t want to get too bogged down in personal details so I’ll keep this bit brief:

I've had a lot of problems with depression and anxiety over the years. These things have been very up and down, but I've learned that even when I'm feeling well there are certain circumstances I should probably avoid because they are likely to trigger relapses (unfortunately this has rather buggered up my professional life, where there are certain types of job I simply cannot do without having a nervous breakdown). And while I've managed to drag myself out of the worst bouts of depression, I have never been able to tackle the root cause of the problem and I don't know if I ever will. (It’s not even that I don’t know what the root cause of the problem is. I do, I’ve realised what major influences caused this negative view of myself and I also know, logically, that there’s no reason to keep believing that stuff. And yet, here I am, still only partially free from it all.) 

The point I’m trying to make is that deep-rooted psychological change is hard.

I think this is a part of the reason why characters like Severus Snape, Sandor Clegane and Redcloak have taken up permanent residence in my brain. What really grabs me about them is how impacted they all are by their own unprocessed emotional trauma, and how stuck they are in negative thought patterns. It’s not really the notion of absolution or redemption that speaks to me – the removal of the stain of sin and wrong-doing – it’s more about the process, the mere possibility of positive change and healing (whether it is successful or not).

It’s the fact that for these characters to achieve any kind of peace of mind and become better people, they have to face up to these emotional issues, and think their way through those thought patterns. And they each come across as desperately authentic to me because of the implicit acknowledgment that this kind of change is really, really messy and difficult. I will them to succeed, but still love them as characters to an almost painful degree regardless of whether they do or not. It fascinates me to see how different writers tackle the subject – not only with how change and transformation can happen, but also how and why it can fail.

And one may ask why I get particularly fascinated by these morally questionable characters, rather than literally any other straight-up heroic character with emotional issues who struggles to overcome them to become a better person?

Why Severus Snape and not Neville Longbottom?

Why Redcloak and not Haley Starshine?

Why Sandor Clegane and not… I dunno actually cos it’s been a while since I read ASOIAF and I think sometimes the notion of who is a ‘hero’ and who isn’t is actually quite blurry (and further obscured by the fact that the story is unfinished) but… maybe Dany? Arya? Sansa? John? Bran? This is a really interesting thing to think about actually, hmmm…

Anyway, the heroic characters are still interesting, but not usually to the point that they keep me awake at night, shredding my heart into little itty bits an setting my brain abuzz.

And I’m not sure I know the answer. There is more than one reason for my fascination with villains, but I think what’s most relevant to this particular question boils down to this: fiction is a safe space to deal with extremes. You can safely imagine the worst kinds of people you can possibly think of, and think about what circumstances, what choices made them this way? and also what could help them to change? Can they change at all??

It’s kinda funny, because it’s not like seeing these characters succeed would suddenly unlock the secret of how I, too, can overcome my demons, but nevertheless it’s still pretty damn cathartic and moving to think that they could. Whereas those that fail or only partially succeed are a reminder that struggling with crap like this is actually a very painfully human experience. And when I’ve been depressed, these characters have managed to maintain a fascination and emotional vibrancy that cuts through the numbness and anxiety. They’ve sent a message that if these people who are objectively worse than me can improve themselves – if I can even just believe in the possibility that they could – then maybe I won’t always be as disgusting as I have, at times, believed myself to be. They’ve been a part of me that my self-loathing couldn’t quite reach, and helped me to cling on when I’ve needed something to cling to.

[theoculus124]

Okay since you offered here are some questions I have...

1. What specific challenges do you face and how do you change things about your day to day life to deal with them?

2. How many times have you heard the 'its not that bad' or 'everyones a little ADHD' cause I wanna know how uneducated people are?

3. What help did you get/are you getting in a school/work environment?

I'm wanting to go into...like brain stuff, psychology, mental health and neuro divergency, so your offer of answering questions is really appreciated....

If answer to no. 3 is an unsatisfactory amount, then that will become something I will try my hardest to one day change, so people like yourself can have equal opportunities and a little limitations as possible. x

I struggle with ADHD paralysis, in short form it's when you get so overwhelmed you can't do anything so like for example I feel so overwhelmed in the morning by what I need to do throughout the day I stay in bed for a long period of time. Some people may think that's me being "lazy" or me just wanting to stay in bed like anyone else but the truth is is that I feel like I'm stuck to the bed because of how debilitating and stressful the rest of the day might be for me so I stay stuck. For now normally I don't really have alot of ways for dealing with it, so it just sort of happens and I get perceived as lazy and people will get upset with me and I just sort of take it? There's also RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria) which I also struggle with alot, it can be simple things like maybe my friend hasn't texted me for a while or maybe I'm trying to give someone a hug and they push me away cause they're busy or when I was younger I typically only had 1 friend that I would cling to and so when they got other friends I felt like they would hate me and want to cut me off. That manifested in A) alot of self hated B) toxic behaviours like cutting people off randomly because in my head if I do it first they won't be able to do it to me C) crying for hours on end D) avoidance tendencies especially if there's conflict. Again, it's a difficult one to deal with, I've learnt now that cutting people off is obviously a very hurtful thing to do and it can cause alot of pain unnecessarily and the best thing is to communicate to the other people. However I can't say that I still don't struggle with the fact that the little things/body language gets to me and I think really therapy will be my best bet (if I get one) -- that's a long para so I'll stop it there but I hope that helps x

ALL THE DAMN TIME! Even with autism (I have ASD and ADHD) and people will tell me "everyone's on the spectrum" and I think especially cause ADHD traits do overlap with anxiety and depression whenever I'd complain they would be like "it's just anxiety/depression" (obviously that's also downplaying the effects anxiety/depression has on people which is also a huge problem) so yh it's very annoying and such a prevalent message and I hate it so much because it downplays issues ND people face daily and almost seems like an excuse not to give someone help -- Also I can rant about the whole "high functioning" labels but that would take 3 blog posts those labels suck so much

currently for exams I get extra time, rest breaks, and I do my exams in a separate environment so I don't get stressed out by the huge crowd. However, for my day to day help isn't really prevalent and I think that's mainly cause of the fact that despite there being a department at my schl for people with disabilities the staff there aren't trained (not saying they're bad/not nice) so it's a bit extra awkward to try open up about ND struggles and there's limited help they can give us

There's obviously more and my experience is probably alot different to others but I'm so happy that you want to make a change in this field and I really appreciate you asking questions and being interested you're going to be awesome in your career <3

[your-antithetical-dreamgirl]

I just watched She Said

I feel like it reignited my anger toward manipulative men. It seems that I became so much more ambivalent about sexism over the past few years. I always spoke against it and considered myself a feminist and acted as though I knew the deal. But the reality is that my passion about the issues did fade over the years while I was in a relationship with a man. I felt myself get a little smaller, a little quieter, a little less alert. Was I actually relaxed and comfortable? Or was I being lulled to sleep in a haze of patriarchal approval and validation? Are those two things the same? If you choose to go against the grain in this system, do you ever get to truly feel comfortable? But maybe the comfort is always a sign of not having a lot of autonomy, and that we, as women, shouldn't even aspire to be comfortable in the first place, but to be free instead.

It also made me feel really overwhelmed by the whole system of our society under patriarchy. Sometimes I wonder why we all spend so much of our time worrying about the minor details of everything. Does everything really always have to be so nuanced? Or does the system in power throw nuance into the mix as a distraction? Because it seems to have the effect of men being allowed to get away with anything they want while women can't do anything about it because everyone gets so caught up with arguing over the granular details.

Why do we always have to question whether someone was manipulated or coerced or victimized in this very specific way that can be punishable only if these certain very specific circumstances are in place and if you don't have this very specific proof then nothing can be done and you will probably actually be even worse off for bringing it up in the first place.

Is this not an act of terrorism in itself? Is this the modern version of witch trials? Not every woman had to be burned at the stake—they only had to burn a few "witches" in order to make a point. To scare women by letting them know what the consequences are for them if they ever dare to step out of line.

What system do women have that has anywhere near this level of power over men? They probably say that all these laws must be in place in order to protect men from ever being falsely accused of sexual assault or harassment. But if they have the power to ensure this never happens, then can women also take steps to empower their side in any way? The answer is no, because men have such a stranglehold on the justice system and they would never allow that to happen because they can't stand the mere possibility of ever relinquishing even the tiniest bit of control to women.

So women are left powerless against these systems and have to fight tooth and nail if they want to be heard. And men in power make it so deliberately difficult. And as much as we want to revere the women who are brave enough to go through it and to tell their stories—is there a chance that the increased presence and visibility of these stories could have the effect of simply scaring more women by seeing how hard it is to go through things like speaking out against abuse? So if they experience it, they'll just think to themselves, "gosh reporting this seems like way too much for one person to go through and the people in the stories seem to have so much more support and resources and fame than I do, so how would a regular person like me even stand a chance?" and then they choose to not speak out about these things. I don't know, it just feels a lot to me like a modern form of psychological terrorism with the intent of keeping women enslaved.

I had the thought that maybe watching films like She Said are helpful because it actually brings back my memories of the years with [redacted] so much more vividly. I think I've fallen into a routine where I've been feeling more empathetic, more kind, trying to humanize him a little more and work on forgiveness for my own sake, but hearing some of the recordings in that movie of Harvey Weinstein talking to the reporters and to his victims brought forth such a feeling of rage and emotion and just bewilderment at how anyone could possibly be expected to stand up to someone like him, particularly in person.

I loved the scenes of dialogue between the executive editor of the NYT, Dean Baquet, and Weinstein because the way Dean talks is admirable. He's so good at not reacting to Harvey. He's polite but totally in control. He never takes the bait, he doesn't explain himself or act intimidated or engage in any way with all the insanity Harvey's throwing at him. And it make his desperation so blatantly obvious. It's masterful gray-rocking. And the scene where Megan Twohey sits down with the Weinstein team and let them all yell at her to appease them right before they publish was incredible. She is totally expressionless but she stares Harvey right in the eye and you can just sense so many emotions going on under the surface.

I put a prompt on my Hinge profile that says, "What if I told you that I was basically in a cult for 10 years." And I get a lot of responses on it. People are always very interested because they picture some kind of Manson Family type thing, I'm sure. Sometimes I feel like I don't have a right to say "cult" because my situation wasn't so scandalous but when I look at it through this lens, I can see the correlation with total clarity. That's exactly the type of manipulation I went through. The power dynamics were just as real—granted he wasn't some famous rich guy whose approval I needed for my career. But he was my father figure whose approval I needed for my soul.

The recording of Harvey trying to convince one of his victims to go into his room with him that they played in the film was really upsetting. I have a visceral gut feeling that arises within me while hearing it and I can just feel the terror and the anger and the hopelessness and confusion she must have felt as if I'm going through it right then.

It makes me want to ask other men to listen to that recording and ask them what goes through their mind when they hear it. Do they imagine what it would be like if a man was saying things like that to them? Can they imagine physically being in that room and what thoughts and feelings do they think they would have in response to that? Are there any scenarios in their lives where they have been in a situation that made them feel that powerless? Like no matter what the details are, have they ever felt that emotion in a real way? Like that kind of life-or-death, fight-or-flight level of fear?

What would a man do if, for example, he was scheduled for a meeting with his boss, and leading up to the meeting he had coworkers and peers of his own pulling him aside and telling them in hushed voices to "make sure you wear your puffy coat into the meeting" and "keep your distance, sit in your own armchair, never on the sofa next to him" and "be polite and smile if you want to make it out of there alive". Like.. honestly? They would think they are about to be locked in the room with a wild bear or something, right? They would stop and go "hey this doesn't really seem normal, I'm not doing that" and they would have the freedom to leave, probably.

The moment in the movie where Laura Madden is talking about her experience and the way Harvey had said things like, "this is just a work thing, all the other girls do it, I promise" and how it made her feel like it was her fault for thinking inappropriately.. and when Jodi asks her if she ever thought he was doing the same thing to other women, she said it had crossed her mind, but that she told herself they probably all said no. And that it was only her who was naive and weak enough to fall for it. That just broke my heart. And it made my fucking blood boil.

Because you know that Harvey knows. He knew exactly the effect his words were having, he knew exactly how to make her feel insecure and knew exactly the most tender spots to kick her so that she would give in. To make her question her own reality from here on out, to make her feel ashamed for the gut feeling she was having and therefore make her detach from her intuition not just in this situation, but in all future moments of her life, to make her feel like she's completely alone in this and that nobody else has ever had an issue with it. He knew and he still said those things like it was a game. Like this full human in front of him was just a meaningless plaything.

Why do we tolerate any level of manipulation whatsoever? Someone who plays those kinds of games against women is also playing games with the men around him. But part of that game is that he makes the men around him feel more powerful so that they'll let his treatment of women slide. But the men around him are actually just as powerless because they can't speak out about anything without retaliation either. They can't raise any flags. He gives them special treatment and uses their own insecurities so that they'll abandon their values, which has a profound psychological impact on them. And that's not fair to them either. Why can't we all see people like Weinstein (and Trump, and all the others) for who they really are and go "this person is a manipulative fuckhead who lies about everything. He's giving some people a whole lot so that he can freely take everything away from others with impunity, and that's just someone who is categorically dangerous to everyone and we should not give them an ounce of power over any of us."

That's what it will take. It can't be only half of victims speaking against injustice—it cannot be only women. Men need to speak out too. They are also victims. It's infuriating that they can't see that though. Because they don't even really see or experience it so they don't feel the need to do anything about it, but ultimately, they are the only ones who could solve the problem.