#it takes up all my time and energy lol
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exercises in drawing sooo expediently (putting last night’s hours spent on few, tiny edits & putting down flat, stylized colors into a drawer)
#and the initial effort that involved yknow like 95% of the lineart...maybe still a couple of hours. which Is relatively quick for me lol#certainly still considering [can i draw goosebumps the musical Visualization Manifestations] lol daunting....things take me so much time#and you Know im wrestling myself like Stop cleaning it up so help me lol...always drifting towards Honing in efforts at more spontaneity#or flexibility or what have you...which is easier to try out when first of all i'm working off of smthing already drawn/sculpted/stylized#corned beef#luca#Takes An Inhale....haha no i can't max out the tags i intend to go do kitchen things impendingly. try to sprint through unending remarks#first of all my not being able to put entire lengthy tails in composition uncropped here: tries not to look hurt =(#second of all i love when things have the vignette energy so much. that is exactly what i want yes please thanks. just hangin out#who all put on thinking caps so hard like Caps For Sale guy that all this was possible like. how did this get so grounded lol how's it so#like mostly Various Phases Of Hanging Out. it is so everyday. of course it's not completely like ''and that would def happen like that irl''#and of course saying ''wow it's not very fantastical huh'' is like so a premise is magical fish people. the point stands like my god....#hanging out everyday grounded Distilled To Essence goings on like. you go ''what if these ppl were just hanging out'' & You Get That....#speaking of Distilled To Essence that sure applies to ''ya we know our Core here is 'what do/will you do for your friend here. vice versa'''#like that's so obviously front and center throughout like just. starting to think however things were whittled down to the core of things#it's like when you Do distill things to the point you absolutely know what all Things Are About here you can execute things epically winsome#head in hands for a moment like my god.....setup payoff.....it's fine. we're all fine#i love vignette energy i love people having cool dinosaur raptor type tails and otherwise galaxy brain fish designs that i think pwn hard#i also love successfully / strongly executed setup payoff b/c you know what your story's about and could and did distill to that essence#i love when the essence is what can/must/should/will you do for your friend; furthermore i love. arcs kicking off with / ft. serendipity#sometimes Getting Going on your emotional arcs involves happening to run into other ppl even if for characterful reasons#just little sometimes you can't do xyz on your own for yourself but why don't you go have some experiences with a kindred spirit or two#wherein there need not be any particular distinction between friendship and [friendship that Could be the foundation of romance] b/c#how would you know when there's no Real World internality in stories and b/c in what way is such a distinction Meaningful in many stories#and then when you'd normally go ''oh they forgot sauce in my order =('' & glumly move on you can/do immediately request sauce for the bestie#we've all been there....also the visual style i'm like is that watercolor influence i detect....do we have art direction? directing art?#anyways i'm so. and i'm also glad to take advantage of like ''ok time to try drawing spontaneously / loosey goosey here''#just little [screaming as billions impends] and [hypothetical practice at such processes]....we have fun#see i didn't get to thirty tags (i think. surely) not b/c i truly zoomed to the kitchen it's like idfk half an hour later. im. riled#oh my God no this is tag thirty lsdjfsd;jf im soooooooo. i gotta go
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I am so annoying when it comes to watching stuff bc I have to be sucked in right away if I am doing so by myself, which is totally weird bc some of my faves have been slow burners, I should know by now to give stuff a chance, but instead I look at stuff and am like, “this is nice, but when will it change my life?”
#seasalt talks#the platonic ideal for like my type of show is kyousougiga#bc I was hooked from the first episode and it never failed to grab my attention#even utena which usually edges out slightly ahead has its lulls that are necessary but also on a first viewing can be less engaging#idk I think I just know shows to be such an investment and so many stories are relatively unambitious#like I think I need some sort of promise that this will make it worth caring#I remember middle school Seasalt was like 'does the protag have to change over the story can't it just be a fun adventure'#but now a story like that feels almost disrespectful lmao#like stories take so much time and energy on both ends#why should I choose this one over millions of others?#even action-fests like Black Lagoon and Hellsing are ultimately here to be an adrenaline rush first and foremost#yet still manage to care a lot about its characters and say 'yeah this meant something to them'#I'm still stunned that right at the end of Hellsing they decided that this battle had thematic weight and it actually worked#or Black Lagoon where even though it is an adventure of the week type of deal#when you look at the big picture Rock and Revy's journey are a very heartrending throughline#lol sorry for all the fandom tags this is gonna end up in#just bemoaning my own pickiness
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happy jaemin day ₍ᐢ.ˬ.ᐢ₎♡
#jaemin#na jaemin#nctinc#nct dream#happy jaemin day#oc#imma be honest idk what half of these are i didn't have time akdjsfh but i still wanted to make something so .. take my crumbs#happy birthday babie<3#you were the first one i noticed outside of those i already knew (ten taeyong mark)#and then long story short now i'm into nct running a blog for them like the clown i am#lmaoo no but really i'm so grateful i saw you in that one performance bc otherwise i rly wouldn't have gotten into nct#i have honestly never seen an idol that cares about his fans as much as you#idk how you have the energy to keep up with sending 984932842384 bubble messages a day but dude honestly ..speechless#you're always spoiling us whether that be thru pics you took of the members or selfies or msgs or just anything rly#we do not deserve you at all !!!! wtf !#it always saddens me thinking you gave up your childhood (as did the rest of dream) to pursue this but it also is very heartwarming to know#that you don't regret it and that you would do it again akjdhf we rly do not deserve you ;;#me saying i wont write anything extensive and then going off about how much i love you lmao *clown emoji*#also not to be off brand with my bday posts but everyone and their mom were doing through the years for countdowns so#i wanted to spice things up but my brain is currently the video of goofy floating so here is the most random comp set lol#just moments i think hes pretty (or weird)
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I just want a hug and some loving words and for someone to tell me it's going to be okay
#but instead I'm stuck in the vicious cycle if work long hours go to university and spend all my free time rushing to get assignments done#and dreading the exams that are in a couple days that I haven't had time to revise for#like i am in so much fucking pain#mentally and physically#majorly physically tbh#i feel sick#i feel faint and like im going to throw up constantly#i keep going days without eating because i literally forget to eat because I'm too busy and i accidentally trick myself into thinking i ate#when i actually didn't#and I'm exhausted and i want to talk to people but don't have the energy to carry conversations or start conversations#and my head and eyes are constantly hurting and i KNOW i need to take a break and slow down and pause but if i do that#i either miss a deadline for an assignment and fuck up my uni grades or miss an exam and fuck up my uni grades or i miss a shift at work#and fuck up my job and i can't afford to do any of those things so i have to just suck it up and fucking deal with it because i have no#other choice but FOR FUCK SAKE it HURTS SO MUCH. I am physically in so much pain and i don't know how I'm even still standing half the time#had to get that out my system lol sorry#bpd#assessments#student#mental health#borderline personality disorder#cluster b#lesbian#lgbtq#exams#lgbt#brat
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lol
#negative in tags#sorry I've not been able to shut about about this all week but it's been a bad one#and I'm just realizing rn how hard socialization has started getting for me like at this point it is SO difficult for me to just -#understand what people r even saying#and today my head kept acting up during Work Itself in a real bad way and I'm still masking ok (thank fcking god) but it was an Effort#cause every cell in my body just wanted to curl up on the floor while I had to keep acting normal and talking and Making Sense lol wtf#like I'm out here wondering why I'm so exhausted 24/7 well maybe it's the 48 hours+ a week of Constant Mental Strain#hmmmm <3#anyway I'm really sorry if I ever just. stop socializing right or start isolating or anything all I can do is prommy it's not on purpose#but it's considerably difficult to talk to people when the things they say to me dont make sense and my thoughts don't make sense and -#my brain's energy is in the negative#just taking it one day at a time rn for real
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A very quick random card au Rokka concept drawing since they've been living in my head rent free
#keese draws#bandori#rokka asahi#random card au#I mainly wanted to go for the 'edgelord oc made by a 12 year old' vibes with them#idk how well I did but I like how the bat wings turned out so Ill take that as a win#so ok gonna do a lil ramble here even though Im typing this out at 2 am#so first of all all the black stuff on them is from getting stuck in the void place but I wont go too into that rn#as for the head bat wings and eyes and such their parents in this au are a vessel of light and a bat based star bound#and refresher in case no one here has read my other posts star bound are basically a mix of wizards werebeasts and phoenixes and vessels of#light are the randomly selected incarnations of one of the major gods in this world's chosen warrior sort of#both are way more complicated than that but we dont have all day so moving on#vessels of light have a back pair of wings and wings replacing their ears kinda and that was their dad and their mom was a werebat ig#so smoosh those together and you get a messed up lil creature#plus all the indescribable amounts of power yknow gotta have that edgelord oc energies#also because of ~worldbuilding~ they also have basically a direct connection to the light god who hates them lol#theyre also towards the start of the story re emerging from the depths of the void place which had basically been preserving them for like#200 or so years so theyre having A Time#hey at least after leaving the light god cant directly contact them anymore so small victories ig#and they also figure out how to leech of of its power so thats also good for them ig#theyre mostly spending the story trying to find any amount of footing in this new time and trying to find a way to help misaki#misaki and they are from the same time period and were friends before things kinda went to shit and misaki died ish#again its complicated but shes ok ish dw too much#but yeah unfortunately rokka pretty quickly ends up with royal guard out to get rid of them for reasons they dont know#but hey they befriend ran and tomoe so thats pretty cool#theyre one of the protag trios I like to call them the cant fucking read trio#two of them need glasses but dont have them and one of them has brain damage and is still in the process of relearning how to read#so theres plenty of times where theyre all just huddled around a sign or smth trying to combine their brain power to read the damm thing#the three of them are funny to imagine side by side also because ran and tomoe just look like some guys and then theres rokka#honestly probably did wonders for keeping tomoe from being recognised by someone sooner fmdkfbr
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#j.txt#i dont know whats wrong with me well actually i do and ill list it in a sec but first i just need to say im SO FUCKING FURIOUS.#ive really just had it with the general public with myself with everything im going through right now i literally just want to *** ******.#work was so fucking shitty today the customers were 10x worse than usual my body hurts and im being overscheduled to hell and back despite-#already saying i cant do more than 20hrs a week and even thats pushing it. so im also behind on nearly all my classwork and everything-#i manage to turn in is trash but i dont have time to put actual effort into fixing it so! it all fucking cycles on#im already dropping out of one class so i physically cannot afford to drop more and focus my energies so im sure my gpa will drop#PLUS somehow despite working so goddamn much im still broke and tuition is coming up so ill have to explain to my parents that i need help#and deal with them bitching at me for now budgeting properly lol<3 im just so fucking tired of all of it i have No motivation for anything#i end up wanting to be unconscious all the time bc i know its not fair to be so furious when its nobodies fault but my own and i hate taking#that out on other ppl but like what am i supposed to fucking do lmao<3#sorry for all of this like i said. im homocidial rn and not in a fun way ill be over it soon but for now im stewing in rage to keep me going#vent
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Ouurhrhhhhhf
#I AM SO SORRY I HAVENT POSTED ART IN SO LONG LOL...#esp sjnce its simon and nahyutas week...i am very sorry i couldnt participate:((#i need to look through everyones at the end of the week tho..... teehee#i haven't had time to sit through them all but trust me ...i will make it#ILL GET BACK TO IT SOON BTW. I HAVE NOT FALLEN OUT OF LIVE FOR THEM#got burnt out and only drew for so insta didn't hate me at the start of the year until now#and now my exams start. literally on monday . and work takes up a lot of energy too.#BUT ILL GET BACK TO IT 💪💪💪#i miss them so much ... i want to improve art as well lol#ANYWAY SORRY LOL love u loads
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Mom, who have no idea how I am on a daily basis: please go out and shovel snow off your porch!
Me, who have been avoiding going outside and people at any time the last year: (:
#miranda talking shit#Not just pandemic situations but like... Going on walks and buying food and stuff#Ive only left my house to go to the hospital and to buy food a handful of times its concerning lmao#Mom thinks ive been going outside on walks like i do during summer at home ... No mama im isolating myself and feeling like trash thats all#Im meant to come along to grocery shop with my home help but ive been sending them out alone 9/10 times since this autumn#Only time i somewhat feel motivated to go is if oliver is going but he have only had my shopping twice in the year I've had them#At least i.... Am awake at the time ? Like i could just go back to sleep and let them go but i take my meds and try to get up#I miss seeing friends.... One of my two friends from my city moved away for study this autumn so i am like well dang#Explaining all this to anyone who havent experienced severe depression is also basically impossible lol#Its eady to just say 'but just do it (:' when you genuinely have to use so much mental energy to even eat... Keep up ones hygiene ... Do#Basic chores... Its deppressing how much willpower i use to just do the minimum and it still looks like im just bein lazy#I wish i had my mental capacity as my brother so i could just play video games 12 hours per day and basically be happy with that#I love video games but i feel guilty playing them because its not productive so instead i just lay in bed and zone out#My brother is the biggest stain and liability to society and everything one shouldnt be but he actually can do it without feeling guilt#Hes probably also autistic and definitely got hdhd but my emotional intelligence and awareness of others is the biggest thing dividing us#And anxiety i guess is a problem for me and not him. Then you know he basically mentally abused me growing up because he took out all anger#On me who was 6 yrs younger than him so now im here and hes ... There#Its almost funny how the most 'failed' child of us siblings is probably the most content with their life and less likely to off themselves#My sister got a family but im fairly sure shes somewhat unhappy with being a mother. She never wanted that life#And my oldest brother is... Well i guess hes me in man form to some extent. Hes definitely deppressed and havent finished high school etc#But he's still ... Trying ? Doing work and stuff and last couple of years hes very into gardening...#And then theres me ... I guess that im the only one getting 'the help' i deserve bc i have personally basically wanted to get diagnosed (':#All us siblings are just fucked one way or another ... Wish i didnt get the deppression etc part. Mental illness really runs wild in my fam#I love my mom but damn... She really came from an deppressed/bipolar dad and schizophrenic/autistic mom ... And then mom got kids with an#Shit who probably got add and something else but of course with a ton of unresolved family trauma which he then put his own kids through#All families have their issues ... But i dont really have one in anything but name and its filled with mentally ill people who can't adjust#To this society. Some people should not have biological kids... My family is part of thay group...#Negative
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It's a beautiful day and my Rabbi loves me. Alhamdulillah.
#okay so I woke up early enough to shower and pray with no rush#I put on a dress that I bought last year and that didn't fit me before and today it just fit perfectly#because yes I lost a good portion of weight since last summer and I am healthier alhamdulillah#then I got out of the house early enough to catch the bus#and then when I got to school they gave me breakfast Alhamdulillah#so Allah has provided for me food#then It was time to work and I find my name in the list of substitutes which means 3 hours chilling in the AC#and after only half an hour the principal comes and tells me that even for the second shift I am not working so I can go home if I want to#and I was like OMG IS THIS MY LUCKY DAY OR WHAT#and THEN !!!!!#I got out of the school and I was waiting in the sun for a cab and hear me out this is the desert so I could stay here until Maghrib lol#and this administration car happens to be going from the school to my village and the principal was like come on we will take you there#and I could literally fall in sajdat shukr right there right then#GOD IS GREAT#all the timw#chwaya positive energy#I am having a blessed morning I thought I'd share#because energy is contagious
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Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers (◠‿◠✿)
ahfjghjdkshgldjg ty <3
hehe this one (skank!quinn cheerio!tina) it's my most popular quinntina fic lmao but also idk i was rlly happy with how it turned out bc i really tried to make it ,, flow / make sense ?? and idk if it reallyyyyy does now when i reread it but i still really like it :D and it was one of my first "longer" ones too ahaha
kurt and the phantoms kahgklsdj even tho it's been 8257487 years ,,, i don't necessarily like all the writing lmao but for the most part i like what i have conceptually at least and idk i just like the au ;-; wish it would continue lmfao (i will eventually probably T-T)
ahhhhhh the first klaine fic i posted and i haven't read it in a while but at least what i remember i love ;-; idk i know i have a few lines that i really really like in it lol why am i explaining things rip i realize this doesn't ask for that buuuuut here we are XD
this blamtinaaaaaa sometimes when i'm bored and have Literally Nothing Else to read i'll reread this XD i really like it and my other glee advent fics too i also reread when i have Nothing to read (lmfao rip me saying i'd try to do them all for the excuse of writing more :P)
this one bc i'm really glad i tried writing kurtana and i think i mostly like the way it turned out (not completely but yk what can you do lmao) but there are some lines i really like :D
if u r fic writer and u see this pls feel free to do it too :o i would love to seeeee
#bruh remember wehn i did the entire k/aine advent with qulnntina last yr and actually kept up with it lmfao How#tysm for the ask :))#asks#anonymous#sorry i've been mia this week not that ireally think anyone cares XD#it was SHOW WEEEEEKKKKKKKKK so we had a shit ton of practice and just thinking about glowstick club#all this time and energy i put into .... spinning glowsticks :')#but our show was yesterday and it was SO FUCKING AWESOME ALDHFGKALJBDFDFJKGNDKSGHJ#i'm still like slkdghjfgdkhfghsd like i want to do it again XD rip me hving to go back to normal life after hell week#and now this being academic hell week bc i procrastinated shit and i already had a million things happening this week academically lol#case in point i am choosing to answer this ask instead of studying for my math midterm that i DESPERATELY need to study for#but yk i'm just not lmfao#who cares when i can think about spinning glowsticks sjdgfgfjkd anyway#the show was so so good i'm so sad it's over T-T i'm so glad i joined this dumb random ass club even tho it takes up too much of my time XD#not me looking to join board next yr too#anywayyyyyfdgdhgkjdhgdkgkds i should do work wow#sorry to make this ask just a tag ranble post but i'm not making a separate post so here XD
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lowkey if this other position at my job (that's not being a fucking cashier) doesn't wanna hire me and i end up unemployed after friday i won't even be that mad about it
#i need a job but also the thought of having some time off between finding another job sounds heavenly#i want to do more stuff LOL like#i miss writing i feel so fucking drained after work that all i can do is mindlessly play genshin#bc its so easy to just login and play#writing takes more mental energy u know#but i miss it sm i have so many ideas i want to write#my eren wips and yuuji wips and this zhongli fic ;-;#works got me so depressed LMAO#esp cause i feel so unappreciated too#c shut up
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so today my brain has decided to be consumed completely with thoughts of Rodimus
#takes up a chunk of my brain at all times#hyst.text#i think he's officially getting label#god i need to do a reread of mtmte#it's been a hot minute#honestly i'm kinda tempted to just dive full in and try and re consume all of the best parts of idw transformers before it's gone#also if it isn't clear i'm now channeling this energy into drawing him lol#might end up doing something more complex once I get comfortable#I am thinking just..so many thoughts
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health update: no longer in pain all the time, but i still have very shitty lung capacity and also i am constantly sleepy all the time. currently working on trying to stay awake for longer than 8 hours a day and then maybe building up the energy to Do Things once more but it is frustratingly slow going.
#:)#sometimes i eat food and my body's like 'ok that's it! that's all your energy spent right there!' and it's like. lmao cringe#been forcing myself to try and at least get one paragraph of writing done each day to try and build that up again#but it is hard because sometimes my energy will randomly crash out and that's me fucked for like two days#my sincere hope is i have the strength to do more liveblogging by the end of the month but if i'm honest i can't guarantee that#because liveblogging is a time intensive task and i am struggling to sit down and do Anything for more than an hour without being drained#but i really and truly want to get back to doing stuff and i am really mad that this cringe disease is taking so long to recover from!!! lol#as always the minute i am well enough to do stuff i'll let you all know. just wish i could tell you when that will be
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You ever just realize how much better your mental health is now than it was a year ago?
Like man my bad weeks were actually lasting like month last year or even more sometimes and now I’m here not having one since like February
Is the betterment of my mental health because of my therapist or cause I started watching dsmp tho, that is the real question (/hj)
#I bring this up because I talked about having cereal all the time a few minutes ago lol#I have no energy for basically anything during bad weeks#and that includes making food or having food that takes energy to eat#cereal is not included in that#so I had it#pretty often last year#anytime my parents weren’t cooking dinner I made cereal#which probably wasn’t healthy tbh#but oh well
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last night I reconnected with my lifelong childhood bff playing animal crossing and it’s like time never passed 🥺
#saw her a couple weeks ago for her sister’s farewell/parents anniversary get together and I was nervous seeing them???#people I knew my whole life and my anxiety was like y’all grew apart for a reason you changed too much#meanwhile my sister was like just get out of the car jennifer#and she reunited running and crying to her bff who is my bff’s little sis#and I see my friend like hey are we like friends?? my anxiety says it’s tentative#turns out she felt bad about not keeping touch too lol#maybe it’s my childhood anxiety. like I always felt she was the cooler friend#to my relief she still likes to talk about sailor moon princess tutu mermaid melody all the childhood shows that made an impact on us#my therapist lately has been telling me to open up more and it feels nice to express myself!#I feel alittle hyperactive on tumblr this past weekend but I felt happy seeing friends posts#I honestly didn’t log on anymore because I felt like I don’t have much to contribute in the guise of trying to reduce internet time#just gotta achieve a perfect balance with time cause I tend to go all in lol#the energy it takes to socialize is alot since my anxiety activates#just acknowledging it and reminding myself to be true to me helps alot#long tags with jen :p#click clack
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