#it’s also possible that being unconditionally loved allows you to finally love yourself

[alexiethymia]

he makes her feel selfless and she makes him feel selfish

attempt at a meta or rather more incoherent gushing about these two

I love the contrast of the above scene, how Vash is joyous, all-smiling. While Meryl is wrecked, in tears. Most often, it seems that’s how they also remember each other.

Meryl likes to remember Vash happy and at peace. Vash remembers Meryl while she’s solemn and also a bit vulnerable. In a way, they inspire emotion in each other that’s hard for them to express. Vash has had a lot of sadness in his life, but while he will always wear a smile, I think he finds it harder to let himself be genuinely happy than to cry. Meanwhile, Meryl hates to cry. She hates to let down her guard and appear as if she can’t take care of herself, but with Vash, she really can’t help herself.

I ship WildeHopps (another goofy tall character hiding sadness with a smirk and a straight-laced, determined shorty. even their eyecolors are the same!) and I remember that there was a thing in the fandom about foxes that they can’t help but shout when they see their mate, and I don’t know how accurate the translations are, but even when they reunite again, Vash can’t help but shout out ‘Meryl!’ in happiness (seriously despite how surprised he was, he could’t help his smile. and he only called out meryl despite milly also being there, like rude, vash, if milly wasn’t such a sweetheart and loved you both to bits, but anyway, I digress…)

I really loved the fistbump (*cough indirect kiss cough*) scene so much because in asmuch as it was Vash comforting Meryl, it was also about him taking comfort in Meryl, which when we remember from his waterworks when Marlon called him out on it, he previously found really hard to do.

On Meryl’s side, we actually see that she has the same values as Vash. I love the Little Arcadia chapter/episode so much for this reason. Grandpa’s speech to Meryl about following your own path and your connection to your parents, resonated with her, but we as the readers also know that it’s something that would have also resonated with Vash. She wanted to resolve the conflict without anyone losing their life, and at first couldn’t understand why something like land would be more important than life. But push comes to shove, when she sees the resolve of someone to protect something, she puts her life on the line anyway. We even see traces of it in the anime with how she also shoots non-lethal shots, and that one time when she saved Vash, she shot the light to fall on the person instead of shooting the person. That sort of pacifism is present in her and Milly although they may not be as obvious about it as Vash, which is why despite himself, Vash finds himself growing closer to the girls and considering them as among his most important people despite the fact that he knew them only recently compared to the people from Home and Marlon. Even Milly’s principles regarding family bonds would also be something that would resonate with Vash, and it’s important that he was there in the shadows because I think that was the turning point in how he started to consider them his friends. So in a lot of ways, despite Meryl not wanting him to, I think Vash truly sees the vulnerability that she tries to hide. And I find it so believable and endearing that he would be drawn to her because of that similarity and connection between them.

they both inspire hope in each other

When I say that Vash inspires Meryl to be selfless, it’s in the way she will risk everything just so she can be there for Vash, to overcome fear and her own human limitations, just so she can hold him close. Vash (and through his connections with others like Luida) inspires in Meryl hope for a better world. At the same time, I always got the feeling that the type of love that Meryl felt was something she would be content to keep on giving to this person who always kept on giving to others, even when there was a chance that she would never get it back or have it returned. I imagine that she would have been fine with that as long as Vash felt that he was unconditionally loved.

When I say, Meryl makes Vash feel selfish, it is within the context that selfish for Vash is already a normal level or base desire of wanting to be happy in other people. I remember Legato’s observation of Vash, that he considered himself as having utterly no value in this world. Of course a person like that would be fine with dying!

But this person who considers himself worthless, eventually makes a promise like this.

Vash must know that there’s a high likelihood he’ll die. Someone as self-sacrificial as him wouldn’t want anyone, much less a person he cares deeply for, to be hurt by him. And yet he makes this ‘selfish’ request of Meryl anyways. And it matters so, so much that he does. Because it shows that he can consider himself as someone who can make another person happy. It’s a promise to her, as well as to himself, that he won’t let himself simply die. He wouldn’t anyway because of how much he values Rem, but with this promise, it feels like his wanting to live is finally something he wants to do for himself, and not just as a continuation of Rem’s memory. Like with the fistbump scene, this promise was as much for him as for Meryl. I know he still would have fought to live and to protect humans, but at the same time, in the wake of Wolfwood’s death, I also felt that he would have been at peace should he have died trying. So this promise was to tether himself (to her). It’s something to keep him fighting to live now that he knows there’s someone out there waiting for him, by his own actions at that. More than that or simply put, it’s just a simple thing of allowing himself to want something or someone.

And this is how Meryl inspires hope in him. All this time he’s loved humans, but it always felt like he was living beside them and not with them. He doesn’t know what it is with Meryl, maybe her sheer stubbornness, but somehow she ends up representing that hope, that possibility of finally living together with humans (with her). In contrast to Meryl’s hope, it’s a very simple and humane one. To have someone care for him, to have someone wait for him, to have someone to come home to, to have someone who loves him. And it’s funny that it seems that Meryl expects nothing in return for her overwhelming love for Vash, because Vash actually meets her halfway. He’s the one to initiate the kiss. He’s the one to make the promise and have her promise. Finally, he’s taking the chance of his happiness into his own hands and doing something about it. I just, I really can’t with them. No wonder I ended up being vashmeryl trash.

[donnerpartyofone]

The morning of my big public speaking thing, I wake up at 6 because my back hurts so bad from sleeping weird I can hardly stand it. Realize that I ruined the clothes I was supposed to wear because I forgot how to take care of them. Realize that I lost my allergy pills, even though I'm away from home and living out of a bag and there's not many places that anything I own could possibly be. My hairdresser who is also my friend, and I probably should have cut off the service relationship when the friendship started, texted me last thing last night and first thing this morning to ask if I need a haircut, adding all kinds of hypotheses about why I might or might not need a haircut. Texts me again to confirm that she realizes I'm not home and am probably preparing for my event. She obviously needs me to get back to her for personal, emotional reasons, and I'm thinking about how even though I care about her, a lot of our interactions seem to be one-way maintenance routines. Thinking about how everyone I know is screwed up and wondering how they got to adulthood without figuring out what to do with themselves. Thinking about how not everyone is like this, how I'm the only one in my own family who is like this. Thinking about when I thought I finally figured out what was wrong with me and it was a big relief, and then one of my closest friends who has the same problem let it slip that she doesn't believe me. Back to just being a no-reason, no-excuse piece of shit; back to witlessly destroying everything in my path just randomly and unintentionally, not because I'm disordered and maybe I can't totally help it. Thinking about how the only other person who is at least as much of a wreck as I am just blames everyone else, from his parents to his coworkers, for all of his failures. There is nothing in his life that isn't someone else's fault. I at least have this, that I can take responsibility. It's only me, I'm my only real problem. I'm sick of dealing with it, though. It's so inconvenient. It's a waste of resources. Usually when you have a situation that you determine cannot be improved, after all due diligence, you disconnect from it and move on. If I were my own employee, I'd fire myself for negligence and incompetence. If I were my own roommate, I'd kick myself out for messing up the house and wrecking all my stuff all the time. If I were my own girlfriend, I'd break up with myself in a heartbeat and everyone would ask what took me so long. But you're not allowed to do any of that stuff with yourself, it's against the law where I'm from. I'm always thinking about this episode of a sitcom by a certain recently canceled standup comedian where he has to babysit a psychotic little boy. He finds the kid in the bathtub soaking in his own diarrhea, and the kid says, "My mommy says anything I do is ok because I love myself." I feel like that's the world we live in. The only thing that's not illegal is loving yourself unconditionally, and if you break the law you get punished with le grand tumblr discourse about how low self-esteem is the specific result of being a solipsistic egomaniac; if you hate yourself that means you actually love yourself, but in the bad way, so actually you really are a big stupid asshole, just not for the reason you thought. Now I have to wait until other people are awake so I can make a lot of noise leaving the house to buy an iron and replace my allergy pills, because buying my way out of my problems is the only thing I'm capable of doing, for now, while I still have some money saved up. After it runs out, it's just going to be total carnage from then on.

[deanablack]

Okay so rom-coms. I feel like everyone is inherently a sucker for them. If you're not, well you are. But that's besides the point. What I'm here to talk about today are the endings. You know how the movies end when the main characters finally say the three magic words and then hug and then kiss and then walk off into the sunset? And we do swoon after it. And there might have been tears accompanied with the happy endings. Happy ones, mind you. But we do cheer them on. We do go to beds a little bit content that once more love triumphed and we got to see the main characters win.

Now, what I have lately noticed is the realisation of each of us of being the main characters in the our own movies. And granted they won't be shown on the big screen and neither would we have the world rooting for us. But there is this belief. Of having a happy ending. Don't tell me there isn't. That'd be a lie.

Now this belief entitles us to an unlimited hope of having a happy ending of our own. Of one person, the person we have also coincidentally chosen, to choose us. Now when this person would choose us, it should be like the movies. It should be unconditional. Irrespective of the borders of the countries, the obligations of life, or any other bullshit reason that practically dictates difficulty in sustaining something romantic. But, we crave it nonetheless.

We crave it not because of unrealistic expectations. Because believe me, the hope of wanting someone to choose you inspite of it all, is not unrealistic. It's human. We crave it because we believe it to be possible. And it is. But we do forget one integral part. We tend to forget our role in it.

Each one of us is waiting for our rom-com moment so hard that we forget to embrace it when it does come around. We have to choose them for them to choose us. It is always a two-way street so how can we expect a person to cross it for the both of us? Which brings me back to the endings of rom-coms.

You know why it ends right when they have confessed to being in love and have hugged and kissed and walked of into the sunset? Because. Love. Is. Supposed. To. Be. Enough.

It is supposed to sustain the two of them irrespective of heartache and the difficulties of distance and obligations. It is supposed to last. It is supposed to say that these two have confessed to choosing each other every day and loving each other unconditionally. Now we can complete this story because this love will allow them to find a solution for all the problems keeping them apart. Together.

This is why it ends then. This is what we wait for. We are not looking for the problems to disappear. Because we shouldn't as they won't. We are just looking for someone worth solving them for. And gosh, if you do find someone who chooses you and there are problems, just ask yourself, "If I walk off into the sunset with them, will it lead to everything being alright? Will loving them ease out the wrinkled seams of your life?" Rest, you shall know.

[getyourblisson]

New Moon October 25th, 2022

October 25th New Moon in Scorpio

The New Moon energy always magnifies our opportunities, and always favors what provides us with greater freedom, self-sufficiency, and possibilities.  The choices that we make during this time, will impact all of our existences.  As a result, it is important that we pay extra attention to what we choose and do.

This New Moon brings in some bittersweetness.  This means that we are likely to experience some highs and some lows with it.  While some might be in one piece or another of it; most will likely have pieces of everything.  On the positive side most of it will be beneficial; and if we stay with things through to completion, then we will see the victories and success as well.  The key is all in how we handle the challenges.

The challenges arise as lies, deception, and manipulation are brought to the surface.  We are finally able to see what has been hidden from us; and this is happening so that we will address it and take care of it appropriately.  Those that are still in this space, are the ones that are trying to block the successes of those working with wisdom and serving God and helping humanity.  However, with a little more perseverance; all of the corruption comes crumbling down.

The purpose of the corruption is to try to prevent the breakthroughs that allow Divine Presence to be strong in the world; and to keep the attention off of the corrupt that are trying to breakdown the world.  Endings are inevitable; but they don’t have to destroy us.  We can take things and transform them and rebirth into something that is rooted in unconditional love.  It is important to stay away from heavy equipment, try not to travel, and to use extra caution with what you do.  In times of great transformation and transition; we are more vulnerable and accidents tend to be more evident.  It will be wise to choose your endings instead of letting them be chosen for you.

Challenges can be avoided where we are working with foresight; and can see the direction things are going based on the choices being made now.  It is no different than realizing that something hanging off of a counter edge has a probability of falling.  Take time to really look at how different choices and options could play out; and consider if they will really lead you in the direction that you are looking to go.  If you are being given a second chance at something; it is important to reflect on how it turned out in the past, and why things would be different now.  A little thought can go a long way to keeping us moving in a positive direction.

We also are gifted with the presence of Divine Love.  This is an opportunity to choose to handle things in peaceful ways.  That doesn’t mean giving into others; but realizing that you have the power to see anything through to completion, and can use loving strength to resolve things.  Remember your spirit is stronger than any challenge that you face.

At this time, we will benefit from being in quiet and peaceful settings.  This will help as we take the time to delve deep into the core of who we are.  This time strongly favors learning to see your own beauty; and to love all of yourself.  It is a time of reconnecting with who you are and realizing the beauty and power of your own infinite self.  True love can be favored at this time; but remember no matter how much someone else may love you, you must love yourself unconditionally too.

I welcome you to see things through to completion.  What if this is where the victories and successes are; and you are right to breakthrough into them?

I welcome you to embrace the truths that come to the surface.  What if with a little more perseverance, the corruption comes crumbling down?

I welcome you to realize that endings don’t have to destroy you.  What if you take them, transform them, and rebirth them into something rooted in unconditional love?

I welcome you to do things with foresight.  What if this helps you to avoid major challenges?

I welcome you to choose to handle things in peaceful ways.  What if this is about seeing things through to completion with loving strength?

I welcome you to take time to delve deep into the core of who you are.  What if realizing the beauty and power of your infinite self is important even if others already love you?

The Code Journey ~ 2022

[kayxleeee]

Loki Laufeyson:Delusions (Loki x Reader)

Warning: NONE! Slight Mean + Sad Loki

A/N: Love this one! I always feel so bad for Loki in Thor The Dark World :(

Summary: After Loki returns to Asgard he is immediately sent to prison for his crimes on Earth. Unfortunate events occur when Asgard is under attack and you just want nothing more than to check in on your beloved.

Word Count: 2k+

*NOT MY GIF* Do not copy my work

The news of Loki return to Asgard was both worrisome and exciting. There were rumors being spread about that he was returning as a fugitive for the destruction of not only earth, but the crimes that he had committed against  Asgard. You of course found yourself just happy to know that he was alive. He may not had been well, but sure he was very much alive.

Living. Breathing. Speaking.

Out of all Thor’s closest friends, you and Loki bounded the most, which caused you solely, to develop feelings for him. These feelings would lead to a sever fallout between you and your warrior companions. With Loki’s criminal accusations, hate and critism came from many, especially from Sif and Fandral. For you to still think highly of him,--well you were considered a traitor in their eyes.

When he returned you were forbidden to pay him any visits. Odin also ordered that the only visitors Loki received were of kin and even those visits were kept very minimal. Now with the unbearable news of Frigga’s death you worried about his sanity even more than before.

The queen has been deceased for a few days now, Thor was easily consoled  by Jane’s presents and the support of the Asgardian people who were also mourning their queen. However no one was concerned for the fallen prince, except for you. You knew that his crimes were severe, but nothing was more torturous than knowing of your mothers death and there is nothing for you to do because you are locked away without even the slightest hope of saying goodbye.

For days you try to receive information on the location of where Loki was being held. You are a warrior of Asgard, you should have known these things, but because of your so-called bias-ness for the Prince of Mischief you weren’t allowed. Your inquiries about Loki’s whereabouts in the palace were extremely noticeable and you received a lot of animosity for it, especially from Lady Sif. She called you stupid and selfish for wanting to see him. You were also accused of not having any dignity or self respect. No one would tell you directly where Loki was being held, but with enough sneaking around the palace, you finally over heard a few guards speaking of his whereabouts.

With the common criminals.

-

You have been watching two sets of guards for more than an hour. You wanted to  slip past them undetected, but you needed to wait for the perfect moment. You weren't one of the most skilled warriors in fighting but you were known for your intelligence and abilities to be clever in any situation. The plan was for you to create a diversion to get the guards away from the staircase leading down to the dungeons.  You knew that since the palace had been attacked from the inside out the guards would be on high alert. You cast a large stone, breaking a window to which the guards attention is drawn to the noise. They run into the direction of the shattering glass. As you sneak past them, the memories of Stif warning you fills your mind as you flip into the entrance running down the concrete staircase as quickly as possible.

“It’ll be the last thing you do” She threatened.

“He is a prisoner, he knows his crime.” She scoffed

“If you go to him, we will know where your loyalties lie.”

“Loki cares nothing about you, he is a man who cares simply for himself.”

You reach the bottom of the large steps, hoping you were turning down the correct corridor as you ran quickly. You notice on your way that the majority of the cells are completely empty. This worried you, but did not stop you from searching for him. You luckily reach his location without any mishaps.

“Loki!” You announce breathlessly watching as he paced around the small room with his back turned away from you.

His cell was tidy, clean as if he had not touched a single thing. He had all of his things that brought him comfort; fancy furniture, books, papers, and pens. You knew that Loki loved to read because the two of you spent the majority’s of your time together in the library. You felt at ease knowing that he at least had that. This was of course curtsy of the Queen; she asked for these items. Although he was being punished, the only thing she wanted for her dear son was that he was comfortable in his confinement no matter what he had done.

“What is it ?!” He snapped turning around to face you. He took heed in your presence and then pressed his lips into a thin line. “Ah, Lady (Y/n).” He greets you calmly, then an amused grin appears on his face. “Here to tell me the mighty King has passed on too?”

His comment took you by surprise, you assumed he would be just as grateful to see you, as you were to see him.

“Don’t be so morbid Loki!” You cut him off with offense frowning your face in confusion. “With the news of your mother passing, I would think you’d have far-more compassion for your family, for Asgard.”

“My family.” He repeats, mocking your charismatic tone placing his hand over his chest. “My Family is not here on Asgard. My family are no more than those disgusting vile creatures you fight and kill.”

“Loki I know you’re hurting, I know you have all this anger built up, but you have to know that you do have family and loved ones here on Asgard.” You say subtlety hinting at yourself. “I did not come here to be mocked.” You say in a calming voice as he walks over to you.

You place a hand on the enchanted glass as you look up to his figure continuing to speak. “I am not one for your dramatics, I just wanted to see how you were holding up.”

“Holding up?” He lets out a malice laugh. “Ha! Holding up?! I am locked in a cage like an animal!”

You slam your fist against the glass in annoyance realizing your loving reunion was falling flat. You did not come here to argue with this man, you didn’t even plan far enough to think of exactly what you wanted to say, but it was never envisioned like this.

“And who’s fault is that Loki?! Who’s fault!?” You snap matching his dramatic tone.

“My own! For trusting idiots!” He yells back and you can’t help but think what idiots he were referring to. He continues,  “Why are you even down here, Odin forbade anyone from seeing me, you can’t be THAT stupid. Or perhaps you want to cast more stones?”

“Cast stones?— I came here as a friend Loki. All this worrying I did for you, all the tears and regrets. I risked my own life and freedom by coming down here” You scoff rolling your eyes at his demeanor. “Just to be spat on by you?”

“Better I to you, then you to me.” He laughs.

“That is your problem, you always think people want to hurt you just as bad as you want to hurt them! Look at you and your brother, he mourned you, we all did, and you go and do this? Destroy and take over the only place he loves. What did you gain?!”

“Oh bullshit! That place was nothing, but a pathetic little wasteland! They needed ORDER.”

“They needed no such thing Loki, YOU needed a sense of belonging.” You say with emphasis.

“My god you’re just as delusional as my brother .” He laughs.

“Delusional?!” You yell.

“Yes.” He says calmly, pleased at how angry he was making you. He walks away and sits on his couch crossing his legs and resting his arms on top of them. “D-e-l-u-s-i-o-n-a-l, delusional.”

As he walked away you noticed a single error in his walk as if it all was an illusion. Something that only someone who knew Loki would catch if they payed close enough attention.

“Enough, no more illusions Loki. Show me your true state, I know you are not this heartless. The only person who stands here delusional is you!”

With that, what you thought was the real Loki fades away in shimmers. A much sadder scene formed before you. The cell becomes a mess, with the once neat furniture, either broken or distorted across the room. The scuff marks on the walls concluded that he had thrown the furniture with immense force. His beloved books were ripped and torn to shreds, and his once neat clothes tattered and disheveled. Your eyes meet his saddened pale figure sitting on the floor near something he recently broken. Fresh blood oozes down his foot as the glass that was lodge in him is discarded next to him on the floor.

“IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED TO SEE!? A BROKEN MAN YOU SEE !?” His unruly hair falls into his face as he screams at the top of his lungs, veins bulging from his neck.

You immediately go to the side panel that unlocks the cell, running to his aid. You kneel beside him where there is not much debris, wrapping your arms around him and pulling him into a tight hug. He barriers himself deep into your neck letting out a silent sob. You hold him close as if you never wanted to let him go.

“I am here Loki.” You whisper to him placing a kiss to the top of his head.

You have never in your seen the Prince so weak, so fragile, so upset, so venerable. This all must have taken a huge toll on him, you couldn’t imagine what he was going through.

“ I did not want this for myself, I did not want this, not for her.” He says lowly as his voice breaks.

“I know.” You rub his back softly. “But you have to know that she loved you unconditionally with all her being, Loki.”

“I-, I don’t believe that.” He sighs with a hint of hesitation in his voice. “No one could ever.”

“That should not be hard to believe because I do, I love you too, I love you unconditionally.”

“You love me?” Asked confused he pulls away from your embrace looking at you with puffy red eyes.

“Yes.” You admit.

“You surely love as a friend correct?” He questions with squinted eyes.

“More.” You place a hand on his cheek giving him a small reassuring smile. “I’ve always loved you Loki, more than a companion, way before any of this.”

He places his hand over yours, giving you a weak smile, then leans in to kiss you. You were surprised , but quickly adapted the new feeling. The kiss was sweet and slow, so slow it felt as if time had stopped. He pulls away resting his forehead against yours.

“This probably is the best news I’ve received all week.” He says with a light chuckle. "I'm so sorry."

You smile pecking his lips once more before speaking again.

“I hope you know that for me to love you unconditionally, that I know who you are deep down. I know you aren’t all bad. I know that you had your reasons for going to earth and ruining New York, just as you had reasons for all the mayhem you have created. What was it ?” You say attempting to have him open up more.

“My reasoning ?” He asked in an unsure voice. “ I do not know.” He concluded turning way to look forward as if he was thinking.

“I find that very hard to believe Loki.” You say resting your head on his shoulder, taking his hand. “But I’m here whenever you’re ready to open up.”

It was true, you never thought Loki was all bad, you knew that there had to be reasons behind his mischief and misunderstanding. A few minutes passed of the two of you just being in one another’s presents. You imagined in other circumstances, this is how Thor felt when he Jane, as if nothing else matter other than the fact that they had each other.

“It…. His name was Thanos, after I fell from the birfrost—” He finally spoke, but it was short lived.

“(Y/n)!” You hear Thor shout from the other end of the cell interrupting. He states at the two of you intensely.

“Thor it is not what is seems.” You say imagining Lady Sif would soon be on her was as well.

“You are not in trouble (Y/n), but I need to speak to my brother, alone.”

You turn your attention back to Loki and he nods patting your hand. The two of you get up and Loki weakly walks you over to the entrance of the cell that you  previously came through.

“We can talk later, you know I’ll be here.” He looks at you with a knowing grin placing another kiss on your lips, before Turing to his brother.

You nod turning away to leave the two alone to talk. You had hopes that one day you and Loki could somehow be together, and finish that conversation, but today was clearly not that day.

[revengeisourlullaby]

If I Never Knew You Pt.1

Pt.2   Pt.3   Pt.4   Pt.5   Pt.6

Warnings: 18+, eventual smut, arranged marriage plot, kinda royal au, some fighting, secret relationship, angst.

a/n: This is going to be a six part series. I’ve never done a series before, but I write so much anyway I thought why not make one. I’ll probably upload each part daily unless there is demand for them to come faster. I hope you enjoy. Requests/asks will be open if you wanna send smth to me! Although I will admit I am kinda slow in finishing requests. I have a lot to balance in my life so my apologies if I don’t get to them immediately!  

Word count: 1.8K

Loki x female!reader 

The sun shone through the window of your home, the golden rays warming up your cheeks and waking you from your slumber. Sitting up, you stretched, feeling the sleep vibrate out of your body. Tossing the sheets off your body, you swung your legs out of the bed and walked to the bathroom to begin your morning routine. Finishing with tending to the mass of hair on your head you trailed back into your bedroom to change into clothes appropriate for the day. An array of dresses always leaving you indecisive about what to wear.

Settling on an olive green one you walked towards the mirror and fastened the ties around the back of your neck. The loose sleeves draped over your shoulders, cascading down your back, and gold accents adorning the neckline. Finding your shoes, you slipped out of your bedroom, closing the door behind you, and walked down the hallway, the chatter of your family becoming more clear as you near the entrance of the main room. 

 “Good morning, mother. Father.”

It seemed you had slept in quite a bit, given your parents already eating breakfast. Your mother piped up

“There’s a portion left for you on the counter, my dear.”

Eying the food you decided you weren’t all that hungry yet. You had just woken up and your body had yet to settle. Declining, you grabbed your satchel and began to walk towards the door.

“But Y/N, you should really eat something before starting your day.”

“I’ll be fine, Mom. I promise. I’m just not that hungry right now. I’ll eat when I get back.”

Finally reaching the door, your father chimed in,

“You know, Y/N, just because you try to avoid the obvious, doesn’t mean it’s going to go away any sooner.”

Dropping your head, you sighed. You couldn’t seem to escape the duties of being a young woman in a world where royal obligations were something you were expected to partake in. Upon reaching the age of 18, you were supposed to be on the lookout for a decent suitor of a husband. The fact of the matter was, you were now approaching 22 and had yet to find someone acceptable, not only by your standards but by your parents. 

For this uniting of peoples would also be a uniting of families. You had until your 21st birthday to find a man suitable to everyone's liking and if you didn’t, arranged marriage was the next option. No one wanted to be known as the woman in Asgard who couldn’t get a man to offer his hand in marriage, yet here you were in all your glory. It was frustrating. 

If only they knew. 

“I know, Dad. Things are a little bit harder when I have to seek my parents' approval for my marriage.”

Your tone became short, frustrated at the entire situation. You already had someone, for a while now actually, but you hadn’t the guts to inform your parents because you knew they would shut him down. So you loved in silence. It was more than painful, not being able to be truly open with your lover, but you had yet to find the right time to pour out your heart to your family. Taking a deep breath, your grounded yourself and turned towards the door,

“I’ll be back later, I love you.”

Your mom got to responding before your father did,

“We love you too dear. Make sure to pay attention to who you’re around. Be safe.”

Smiling lightly you finally walked out the door and stepped into the fresh air that was Asgard. It never got old. The scent of the trees and freshwater that surrounded this place sent one into such serenity. Just being outside could allow your mind to drift elsewhere and forget about the troubles in your life. Walking as far as you could from your home you spaced out in the direction you were going. 

Coming back to when you accidentally kicked a pebble across the ground. Looking up you found yourself in one of the many gardens that surrounded Asgard. Walking to a marble bench, you scrunched up some of your dress in your hands, folding one leg under you before sitting atop it. Crossing your other leg across it and letting the fabric of your dress fall to the ground. 

Pulling your satchel into your lap, you grabbed your journal out of it and began to sketch the garden in front of you. Paying special attention to the detail of the flowers, wanting to make sure you entirely captured the essence of their beauty on paper. Lost in concentration, you failed to hear the footsteps approaching behind you. It wasn’t until you felt a hand rub small circles into your shoulder that you turned around. 

Hair fell in your face, obscuring your view of who was in front of you. Bringing your hand up to place your hair away from your face you dropped your pen on the ground. You went to reach for it, but a separate pair of hands grabbed it first.

“You seem to be quite the mess today, my darling.”

A genuine smile stretched across your features before looking up into the enchanting blue of his eyes. 

“Loki, hi! What are you doing out here?”

Sitting down next to you, careful to avoid your dress he spoke,

“Well, I was informed that a beautiful lady was sitting in the garden in front of the palace so of course, I had to go inspect the situation. And upon seeing a stunning shade of green draped over the bench, I had to introduce myself.” 

An airy laugh left your throat, blithe being showcased across your being.

“If I didn’t know any better, it sounds like you fancy this beautiful woman.”

“How could I not? Her beauty extends beyond the physical. She's incredibly intelligent and the only one to unconditionally show kindness and love to those who deserve it. It’d be incredibly injudicious of me to not be aware of that.”

“Alright, alright Loki, you’ve buttered me up enough.” you chuckled

“It’s never enough, darling. And it’s not buttering you up if it’s true, which it is. So, against your wishes, I shall continue to do it.”

You rolled your eyes and smiled. Looking down at his hands, you placed yours on top of his and gazed into his eyes once more. Glancing down to his lips and back up to his eyes, you slowly leaned in, Loki meeting you halfway. A kiss so tender you forgot it was Loki whose lips were tangled in a dance with your own. 

Loki moved his hand out from underneath yours and placed it on your cheek. You pulled away from the kiss and nestled your head into his hand, his thumb caressing your cheek allowing you to relish in the moment of being with each other. Flashing your eyes back up to his you asked,

“Shall we go for a walk?”

“Why not?”

Stuffing your journal and pen back into your satchel you untangled your legs and got up from the bench, Loki helping you stand up so that you didn’t trip on your dress. Taking your hand in his own, you two walked through the garden on a path that would eventually lead you to the entrance of the palace. 

“I’ve missed you Loki. I always miss you, I hate being away from you.”

“I know my love, I do as well, but you of all people know our predicament.”

You stopped in your tracks and turned in haste to stop him as well, making him face you. You brought both your hands up to cup his face, an idea flashing bright behind your eyes,

“Well, maybe we can change it! We can be the change to get rid of this stupid rule. I can’t imagine my life without you Loki. I don’t want to have to share my world with someone else. It’s only ever going to be you.” 

Bringing his hands up to your wrists, he looked deep into your eyes, sorrow and hope swimming behind his facial features. 

“Maybe we can, although we have to prepare for the worst...but that doesn't mean we can’t try.”

Giving a small smile, he moved his hands to the back of your head, thumb caressing your temple, and leaned in to kiss you. Giving you all the reassurance you could’ve asked for. Pulling away from each other you continued down the path hand in hand. Closing your eyes you took a deep breath, serenity washing over you. 

Opening your eyes, you realized you were closing in on the front of the palace meaning you would now be in the public eye and the last thing you wanted was more gossip to fall upon you. Looking at your lover, you stopped walking, halting him in his tracks. Forcing him to turn around and look at you.

“What is it?”

You sighed, suddenly being overcome with emotion.

“Well, if we walked any further, everyone would see us and I wouldn’t want to cause any trouble for you…”

“...Trouble? For me?”

Loki scoffed, his signature smirk following.

“Love, all I’m known for is for causing trouble, I wouldn’t mind another notch on my belt.”

You were hesitant. You loved Loki and you knew your feelings were reciprocated through him, but it was difficult breaking from the chains of what you ‘were supposed to do’. It left you in such dissonance and yet you felt in your heart to rebel so fiercely that Asgard would immortalize your change. Your silence alerted Loki and he spoke again,

“Y/N, if we are to ever make any sort of change we cannot hide in the shadows anymore. We cannot separate and scatter like roaches when the light is shined upon us. We must bask in it. That is the only way we can possibly aspire to reach our goal of loving one another in true fulfillment.”

“You’re right.”

“I always am.”

You placed your hand back in his and Loki smiled down at you. 

“Ready to have the target on your back, Y/N?”

“As long as you’re by my side, I can handle anything.”

Walking out of the secluded area of the garden, you finally stepped into the light. For the first time in the last year being open about your courtship with Loki. Asgard’s God of Mischief and your parent’s worst nightmare. You felt armored for anything to be hurled in your direction with Loki was by your side and always would be. 

The anxiety of it all had yet to drain from your bones and you couldn’t help but draft up ‘what ifs’ in your head. As if Loki was scavenging through your brain, he gave your hand an inspiriting squeeze, bringing you back into your body and out of your head. If only you knew how the whispers of your choice in partnership would rain the fires of hell all too soon.

[scxrlettwxtches]

a life with you | hwang hyunjin

genre: assassin au, epilogue(?), inspired by @chaninfused​ “row, row, row your boat” universe

description: when you have doubts about your future with hyunjin, the assassin is more than happy to reassure you that all he wanted was to be with you. 

word count: 2.8k+

a/n: i am officially a month late and terribly sorry, furat dear. TT happy (very belated) birthday to you! thank you so much for screaming with me about hyunjin, rrryb, and everything else in between. most of all, thank you for being such a dear friend. <3 i really hope you enjoy!

For the first time since Hyunjin became your friend, your confidante, and then your darling, doubts about your relationship began to fester into gnarly thorns, sitting in the deep recesses of your heart. 

It didn't have anything to do with your love for Hyunjin. On the contrary, your love for the man was stronger than ever, built upon a bond of trust and deep care for one another. Hyunjin had stood by your side through the highs and the lows, just as you had watched him discover what it means to love someone, watched him discover that he himself was capable of being loved. 

No, your doubt stemmed from an instinctual fear that the two of you were simply not compatible because you would never be able to assimilate into the lifestyle he grew up in. 

You thought you could do it, at first. After all, what's so hard about being well off? What's so hard about being able to splurge a little extra money on your clothes, your food, your overall lifestyle? 

You quickly learned that noble life wasn't quite as simple as that. 

For one thing, it was overwhelming to the highest degree. Ever since you agreed to attend the banquet with Hyunjin as his significant other, you'd been thrust into an endless cycle of dress fittings, shoe fittings, and practically any other type of fitting that exists. The party itself was also an overstimulation of all your senses; there was so much to see, so much to comprehend and hear and say that it all just got a bit too much for poor you.

So that was why you were here alone, standing on an empty balcony to find some fresh air, some quiet, and some peace. The wind felt nice against your skin in comparison to the stuffy rooms and banquet halls, and you couldn't help but wonder guiltily if you could head home by yourself. You didn't want to bother Hyunjin, of course, who was born noble and was probably enjoying himself. 

“Oh, thank goodness, I've finally found you!” 

As if the stars had heard you, Hyunjin stepped out into the balcony, his expression wrought with relief as he made his way towards you, taking your hands in his. 

As you gazed upon him, those long lashes, those soft lips, and above all, those gentle eyes that held nothing but love, affection, and concern as he studied your face, you found yourself once again falling deeper in love with him, as if that was even possible. 

“Why did you abandon me in there?” The assassin almost whined, and you fought back a smile as you rubbed your thumbs against the back of his hands.

“I just needed some air, and you seemed preoccupied,” you explained, ducking your head slightly as Hyunjin shrugged off his long coat and wrapped it around your shoulders. 

“But you didn't need to escape so quickly without telling me,” he argued like a petulant child when his eyes suddenly flashed with a sharpness that you hadn't seen in a while, “Unless...did something happen?” 

Damn Hwang Hyunjin and his ridiculously fine-tuned awareness. 

You shook your head, running your hand up and down his arm, “Nothing happened,” you smiled soothingly. 

“But you look unhappy,” he insisted, cupping your cheek with his gentle hands, worry filling his dark brown irises, “My darling, please tell me what is wrong.” 

Inside, Hyunjin was panicking. He knew you better than he knew himself, and he knew the look of uncertainty on your face when he saw it. Were you beginning to have second thoughts about him? Was being with him becoming more of a burden than a blessing to you? Was the constant little weight in his coat pocket something that he’ll have to throw away soon?

Logically, Hyunjin was almost sure that any of those possibilities weren't true. You loved him, and you loved him dearly. The two of you have been through thick and thin together, and he knew your love for him was as deep as the darkest oceans and as pure as the sunrise sky. But yet, the coil of doubt could not totally recede from his mind. After all, you were always so much more than he could ever dare ask for. 

“Hyunjin,” you spoke softly, your smile so knowing that the assassin felt more at ease just at the sound of your voice, “Relax.”

“So something is wrong, my love?” 

You sighed, cursing at Hyunjin’s endearingly insistent nature. Hyunjin was a fixer at heart. Whatever was bothering him, whatever was bothering the people he loved, he was proactive about finding a solution. He’d go to the ends of the earth to find one if need be, which was what he did for your precious daughter all that time ago. 

But this, this wasn’t a problem that you were sure he could fix.

“I don’t know if this is going to work, Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin had never experienced such physical heartache until this very moment. His eyes widened with alarm, a terror that he could hardly keep clamped down, but ever the gentleman, he waited for you to finish before interjecting.

“I know you were so eager to introduce me into this world, to give me luxury that I didn’t experience before, but truthfully, I don’t enjoy this lifestyle,” you confessed, gesturing to the ballroom where the party was still ongoing, where the lords and ladies chatted and drank the night away, “It’s stifling for me, Hyunjin. But this is your life, and I don’t want to take that away from you--”

You found your answer in the searing kiss that closed the gap between his lips and yours. Hyunjin’s kisses were passionate, palettes of red and orange that swept you off your feet time and time again, but they weren’t all consuming. His fire was warm, homely, loving, and you quickly found yourself wondering why you had any doubts in the first place.

“Is that what was worrying you?” He murmured, pulling away with bright eyes as he brushed the hair away from your face, “That I wouldn't want to leave this life for you?” 

“Oh, I didn't doubt that you'd leave if that was what I truly wanted,” you assured him, your hands resting against his chest as he listened intently to every word you said, “And that worried me. I don't want to make you choose between me and your life here.” 

Hyunjin shook his head, brushing your cheek with his gentle, yet calloused fingers, “You've got it all wrong, my darling,” he whispered, pressing his forehead against yours for a short moment before pulling away, “Come with me?” 

Confused, excited and only slightly worried, you followed him wordlessly, placing your safety in his hands without question, as you've always done. Hyunjin led you back inside the estate, but not back towards the party that you were so obviously trying to avoid. Instead, he took you somewhere the music seemed to blend into the peaceful silence and where the mindless chatter faded  into nothingness. 

"Am I even allowed to be here?" You were pretty sure you had no need to whisper, but you still found yourself doing it. 

“I'm allowed, so you're allowed by association,” Hyunjin said with a smile, brushing a strand of your hair away from your face as he laced your fingers together, tugging you down the hallway until he stopped at a particular room. 

“Miss?” He bowed dramatically, making you giggle as he opened the door, pulling you in. 

You looked around the space, a quaint little thing with a small office desk and a simple bed, but everything was clearly expensive and high quality. Even though most of the design and decor was quite minimal, there were little touches like the choice of wooden, the scent of the candle, the distinct stuffed animal that you remembered was once Nari’s. It all just screamed Hyunjin.

“Is this your room?” You asked with a soft laugh, brushing your fingers against the wooden surface of his drawer before picking up the small stuffed bear.

“Yes. I didn't need much space, and I'm not here often, so I just took one of the smaller guest rooms,” Hyunjin chuckled before turning and seeing you with the familiar stuffed animal in your hands. His expression morphed into one of nostalgic happiness at the memory of someone that meant the world to him and pain at the reminder of his own failure, “Oh, that was one of Nari's stuffies.”

“I remember,” you found yourself smiling sadly, lost in the memories as you squeezed the stuffed animal gently. 

Hyunjin walked over, eyes distant as he gently placed his hand on it's head, “Wherever I used to watch over Nari while you ran errands, she always wanted me to play with this stuffed animal in particular,” he chuckled softly, “I always want to have a part of her in my life, so I held onto it. I hope that's alright with you.” 

Your eyes watered as you gazed up at the man who you loved unconditionally. Such a gentle soul, a person who'd treasure all that were close to him, a man who had such a natural instinct to nurture and care for others. 

“Of course, it's alright,” you smiled, placing the stuffed animal down, “I-it's more than alright. She always loved it when you came around to see her.” 

Hyunjin chuckled, wiping the corner of your eye with a delicate swipe of his finger before gently guiding you to his desk, “Close your eyes, my darling.”

“Why?” You raised a suspicious eyebrow as your hip leaned against the desk and Hyunjin stood before you. 

“Because!” His lips curled into a pout, “I have a surprise for you.” 

“You better not have bought me another shawl, darling. I don't mind that the last one got a small tear in it,” you berated him preemptively, worried that Hyunjin had fallen back into his habit of overly indulging you for the sake of making you happy. 

Hyunjin’s eyes sparkled, and you wondered briefly if he was the only person who seemed to enjoy being nagged at, “Just close your eyes, darling. Please?”

Oh, he wasn’t playing fair anymore, not as he flashed those irresistible puppy eyes, and you could do little more than let your eyes flutter shut. You felt his hands take yours, guiding you to open your hands with your palm facing upward. Giddy with anxiety, your confusion was palpable as you felt a featherlight weight fall into your hands.

“Alright, open.”

When you opened your eyes, you could barely hide your puzzled expression as you inspected the piece of paper that Hyunjin placed in your hands. Unfolding it, you scanned through the contents to get to the chase and then--

The paper fell to the ground as you let out an audible gasp, whipping your head up to glance at your lover. It was his sheepish, excited and slightly anxious expression that truly made it real to you.

“Was that a good gasp or a bad gasp?” He asked, trying to lighten the mood. 

“It’s…” you swallowed, still trying to sort through the plethora of emotions that were clouding your mind, “it’s real.”

Hyunjin couldn’t fight his smile, realizing that he’d made you speechless for one of the first times in his life, “It is, darling.”

“B-but, it’s right in that secluded area outside of town, the place that I always--” you spun around to face Hyunjin, utterly dumbfounded, “How did you know?”

The assassin laughed, picking up the deed which you had rather unceremoniously dropped on the floor, “We were taking the carriage back to your bakery once, and I noticed the way you looked at the cottages in that area. Plus, you mentioned once that you’d want to live a simple and secluded life, and this location fit your description quite perfectly. It’s nothing really--”

Your lips pressed against his as you shut him up with a sweet kiss, cupping his cheeks and holding him close, “I love you,” you murmured without an ounce of hesitation as you pulled away from Hyunjin, cheeks flushed and eyes bright.

Hyunjin looked dazed, utterly lovestruck as he gazed into your eyes, pulling you towards him as he sat on the edge of his desk, “Do you like it?” He asked softly, playing with your fingers and making you smile. Oh, Hyunjin, always so eager to please, so eager to do things right for you, to make your life easier. You wondered how you ever deserved such a lover. 

“I do,” you smiled softly, looking down at your hands.

“It’s a small cottage, but it has enough space for us and...more...if that situation ever arises,” Hyunjin’s ears seemed to redden, and your heart skipped a beat as you realized what he was so gently insinuating. 

“I love it,” you whispered, watching as your fingers laced together. 

Hyunjin’s eyes brightened, “You do?”

“I do,” you smiled at his eagerness, “Do you? Do you want this life? I won’t fault you at all if you do not--”

“Oh, my darling,” Hyunjin murmured, gazing into your eyes as you drowned in his loving gaze, his bottomless affections for you that gave you the butterflies even after so long, “When will you realize that I want nothing more than to live a quiet, simple life with you? When will you realize that some of my most treasured moments were with you and Nari in your cramped little bakery? All I've ever wanted was to find a nice, quaint little location that wasn't too far from the town, and for us to grow old there together…”

Your eyes welled with unshed tears as you brought his hand to your lips, kissing it gingerly, “That’s all I want, too,” you confessed, “I want to live quietly and happily with you, put our suffering behind us…”

Hyunjin was silent for a moment before he tugged you towards him, “If that’s what we both want,” he trailed off, red dusting his cheeks as he looked down, “would you like to get married?” 

It wasn’t a sudden proposal. Hyunjin and you had vaguely mulled over the idea for months now, especially since it was becoming increasingly clearer that the two of you loved no one but each other. But to hear those direct words falling from his lips, with no lighthearted quips or jabs to deflect the sincerity of it, it utterly floored you.

The assassin took your silence for doubt, and he looked back up at you with shining eyes, “I know you had bad experiences with your past marriage. My line of work isn’t exactly stable either. But, Y/N, I’ll spend my life showing you that a future with me will be worth your while. Would you,” he swallowed nervously, “would you let me do just that, my darling?”

“Oh, darling,” you murmured, reaching forward and cupping his cheek with your hand. He leaned into it almost desperately, “You have nothing to prove, nothing to show. We’re equals in this relationship,” you smiled, standing on your tiptoes and gently pecking him on the nose, “And yes, I’d love to marry you, Hyunjin.”

The childlike sparkle in his eyes made you giggle as you watched him physically process your words. Slight confusion, then disbelief, then awe. 

“Really?! Oh, my love, I’m so happy!” Hyunjin lifted you in his arms, spinning you around as you laughed, wrapping your arms around his neck. When he placed you down, he fumbled around in his back pocket, eyes wide, “I-I can’t believe I forgot this! We were having such a soft moment and the question just slipped out of my mouth--”

Giggles burst from your lips as Hyunjin finally managed to pull out a black velvet box, revealing a small, simple, yet priceless diamond ring. It was so undeniably Hyunjin to get so caught up in proposing that he’d forget to present the engagement ring to you, and you found the two of you chuckling about it up until he gingerly slipping the silver band onto your third finger.

“Oh, I do have a request from Jisung, who wants to be present at the wedding,” Hyunjin said when the two of you were finally curled up in his bed, embracing each other’s warmth.

“I’d be happy to invite him,” you chuckled, looking down at your finger and at the glimmering stone that now rested on it, “It’s beautiful, by the way. The ring.”

Hyunjin smiled, leaning down to press a kiss to your hair, “I passed a jewelry shop when I was running some errands for your bakery, and it just reminded me so much of you,” he said, brushing his fingers across is, “Elegant and beautiful.”

“Such a flatterer,” you complained to hide the heat in your cheeks.

“Oh, no no. There will be much more of that now that we’re engaged,” Hyunjin teased, tickling your waist, “I hope you’re prepared.”

And you were prepared, alright. All of the trials, tribulations, and the joys of marriage, you were ready for all of it as long as Hyunjin was by your side.

fin.

[candychronicles]

violence // k. takami (hawks)

A/N: my lovely take on @sightoru​’s dante’s inferno collab! congrats on 1k (and many more)! i loved writing this, was definitely so different and so much fun!! also, please please please heed the warnings. i mention some potential very triggering things in here! 

CHARACTER PAIRING: Takami Keigo x Reader

WORD COUNT: 1,645

WARNINGS: sacreligious themes (it is dante’s inferno, after all), death, grief, mentions of eating disorders & self harm, negative coping mechanisms, violence and overall violent themes

SYNOPSIS: the seventh circle of hell is violence: what will you face here?

Want to indulge yourself in all the circles of hell? Click here! 

panting, you prepared yourself for the next circle, chill seeping into your bones as you pressed yourself against the cold metal of the creaking elevator. sir nighteye looked forward, no emotion betraying his face as he continued to guide you through hell. you weren’t certain what would happen in the next cycle but you were so close, nearing the seventh beast, and you were more than determined to finish and see your mom once again.

“this next one will be no more or less difficult than anything else but you may find it particularly hard to handle nonetheless. please exit and i will see you on the other side,” was all sir nighteye said before the elevator screeched to a halt. 

he gestured with one slim hand towards the now open door, a blinding light flashing in your eyes. you shielded your vision from the assault but marched forward, determined to get out of this hell hole as fast as possible. taking one step forward, you fell into the light, a silent scream ripping from your lips as you careened towards nothing.

isopropyl alcohol

that was the first thing you noticed as you came back to your senses. rubbing your eyes, you jolted your body forward, blinking at the harsh light, cocking your head as you tried to gather your surroundings.

an unsteady thrum of beeping caught your attention and with careful consideration, you opened your eyes, blinking once, twice, three times to make sure you were right in what you saw.

your mom laid under a plain white cotton sheet, monitors going off left and right, doctors swarming around you like you were absolutely nothing, like you weren’t even there. they spoke gibberish to you but what you did know is that you were watching your mother die all over again. you tried to help, tried to do something, anything to keep her alive, but your hands went through her body like she was made of thin air. you sunk to your knees, pain and despair clawing its way into your heart once more. your brain was confused, unsure of what was going on, only knowing intense emotions and suffering.

you burst your way through the crowd, slipping through them like a ghost as you panicked, struggling to find your way out and somewhere where you could calm down and figure out how to get back to the elevator.

“whoa,” a gentle voice said, hand placed firmly against your shoulder to stop your body from running.

“you can see me?” you questioned, looking up at him quizzically, trying to place where you had recognized him before.

“yeah, you’re running like a chicken with your head cut off in the middle of a hospital. kind of hard not to notice.”

quickly, you observed all the people around you, everyone looking at you with sympathetic eyes. you felt ashamed that you had acted that way, let the emotions get the best of you all over again as you watched your mom die once more.

“who are you?” you finally asked, blinking owlishly at him as you tried to understand what was going on.

“you can call me Keigo,” he replied, ushering you over to an empty waiting room so you could catch your breath.

“why don’t you tell me what’s wrong?” Keigo asked, a kind and gentle smile on his face as he encouraged you to talk.

without hesitation, you began to speak, expressing all the feelings you had, feelings of guilt that you couldn’t help your mother more, feelings of sadness that she was gone, of anger that she was taken away from you, of anger that you didn’t do enough to save her. he listened with rapt attention, the air getting thicker and heavier the more you ranted and raved about yourself and the whole situation. before you even had a chance to process what was going on, he grabbed your hands with his own, eyes peering deep into your soul.

“is that why caused so much harm to yourself? not eating or drinking for days, not showering, wallowing in your self pity, punching walls and slitting wrists? lashing out at yourself because you felt like you were too weak to help your mother, punishing yourself for not being there for her enough, for not loving her enough in her weakest hour?”

“w-what?” you asked, struggling to pull your hands away.

“i mean, i agree with what you did. your mother deserved better, deserved a child who could be there for her unconditionally, but you shouldn’t only be mad at yourself darling. those doctors didn’t do enough to save her either. it wasn’t just you who failed her but every healthcare worker out there too. they should’ve caught the cancer earlier, they should’ve treated her better, they could’ve saved her life but instead let her die on that creaky old bed, you by her side crying and not trying to help either. absolutely pathetic, all of you.”

as he went on and on, you felt your anger grow. not only at yourself and the doctors but him as well. you knew you were angry with them, you knew you hated yourself but for him to infer that you weren’t good enough, that nobody was good enough, set your heart ablaze. wrenching your arms out of his hands, you smacked him in the face, blood boiling at his insinuations and words.

you expected him to look shocked, angry or even confused but instead went wide eyed as he cackled, hand coming up to rub the imprint you left on his face.

“that’s it baby, hit me again. c’mon, don’t be shy, hit me once more. get all that anger out, make yourself feel better,” he cooed, tilting his head to give you better access.

without even thinking, you launched yourself at him, punching and kicking and screaming, angry at the world, angry at yourself, not even caring about him or what he was, enraptured with the feeling of power that came over you as you wailed on Keigo. 

as the blood pooled around him, you felt yourself getting weaker, the anger continuing to rage inside of you but the energy draining out of your body. red rivulets of blood danced and moved along the floor, attaching itself to his back, creating a dripping red pair of wings. realization flashed before your eyes as you watched the man stand up and crack his back, seemingly no worse for wear despite the beating you gave him. 

“y-you’re Hawks, aren’t you?” you asked, remembering the fallen hero who had lost his wings and turned to the side of villandry in times of hardship.

“in the flesh, baby.”

“you’re in charge of violence… a man who was once a hero, turned villain as his friends and partners betrayed him.”

“you make it sound so sad but really, it was enlightening, a real treat to be able to punish those who put me through so much pain,” he confessed, flashing red stained teeth as he leaned over you, his bloody wings dripping onto your face.

“how do you feel after all that fighting, hm? want to keep going? i’ve got all of eternity to fight you.”

you went to protest but before you got a chance, a fist connected with your face and you were hit with the flashback of your mother dying once again. 

a kick to your stomach had you thinking of the days laying on the bedroom floor, too tired to even crawl into bed.

a shot to the knees had you thinking about the time you sat with blood dripping from your thighs, wanting so badly to feel something, anything other than the emptiness you had felt before.

punch after punch, kick after kick had you wallowing in despair, anger at yourself for ever allowing yourself to feel again, anger at Hawks for kicking you while you were down, angry at the doctors for letting your mother die and angry at the world for taking her away from you.

just as you were about to give up and let the feeling of despair and anger consume you, you thought about all the good times you had with your mother, all of the memories of love and devotion, how she made you promise her that you would be happy after her death, how that promise got you out of grief the first time and how you so desperately needed to hear those words again.

with a determined nod, you rolled under a couch, kicking it up from above you towards the man with the feral grin. you shot out into the hallway, not caring about the pain and anger anymore, wanting to live and be happy for your mother, forgiving yourself, everyone around you and the universe itself for putting you through so much pain. turning a corner, you spotted the light at the end of the tunnel, the elevator glistening from the harsh hospital lights.

“come on little bird, don’t you want to play? don’t you want to fight your anger away and be punished for the failure that you are?”

“you may have caused so much violence in your life Keigo, you may have chose the wrong path and led a life of anger and pain, but i won’t do the same. i will live happy and free, not only for my mom but for me as well.”

with that said, you rushed through the empty hallway, leaping into the elevator, turning around to face the fluorescent light as the doors promptly shut in front of you.

“you’ve seen better days,” was all sir nighteye managed to comment as he took in your bloody and disheveled appearance.

you frowned and scoffed, the pain disappearing as you readjusted your hair and clothes, mentally preparing yourself for the next circle. 

you were not about to give up. 

[thisdreamplace]

So, I'm the anon who sent that long ask about the void. And your answer made me realise a lot of things. So I decided to find out what my inner, core beliefs are and what my belief system is like. I realised I hadn't at all been acknowledging my old story and I couldn't change it or let go of it without finding out what it was.

So I talked to myself, and I wrote it all down, and it was. Depressing. I didn't realise how many deep-rooted, awful beliefs I had about myself and my life. Obviously those were the things that would keep on playing out regardless of whether or not I forced myself to not acknowledge it. Because those were the things that I actually, really believed deep down inside.

I've realised that two of my biggest problems are lack of self worth and anxiety. And I can kind of see where they came from. Not fully, I still need to do that work and unpack that so I can start to understand it, but kind of. My problem now is that these two problems are very deep-rooted and I am not sure at all that I'll be able to effectively fix those problems and heal myself. These sound like problems you'll need long, intensive therapy to fix. And I got really overwhelmed and upset thinking about that, so I started to wonder, can I manifest confidence, getting rid of my anxiety, and better mental health? All things are possible, right? So I should be able to do that. I've seen a few success stories about people manifesting better mental health for themselves, and I want to do that too.

But I don't want to fall into the trap of lying to myself all over again. I know that I need to change my beliefs but I have no idea where to begin.

Any advice? How can I manifest better mental health without making the same mistake again?

hello <3 i’m glad to hear back from you !

hmmmm to be real with you, when something was deep and painly engraved, i had to work through it. while knowing that this wasn’t my end, it wasn’t my story. just something i had to feel out as it released. so i guess that’s my only advice to you.

don’t neglect yourself because of your manifestation — as in, all because you’ve manifested better mental health, it does not mean that you cannot feel low or cry or whatever else you may perceive negatively. do not deny yourself the journey and process, because that isn’t helpful. you think you’re doing the right thing bc “well if i have better mental health then im happy and thats final !” or smth like that. but no ! not at all. it’s really about honoring yourself in every moment and being your #1 supporter. so i think this is the way you can keep yourself from falling back into trying to force a belief that simply isn’t working — don’t judge yourself. decide on your desire and know that nothing you experience along the way is hindering you.

also, don’t label yourself so terribly. could therapy help ? absolutely. and it’s a wonderful option for many, but it’s not always affordable and accessible. don’t look at what’s within you as a terrible hurdle to overcome — take it day by day. it was never stopping you, you stopped you. and this releasing process allows you that freedom that you couldn’t see was always available to you through the darkness that lingered. so breathe. this isn’t about fixing yourself — it’s really about accepting and loving yourself unconditionally more. and you realize your limitations were only limits because you saw them that way and now you get to change the narrative. that’s all it is. don’t let yourself see this as a chore. full honesty (even when it’s ugly) with yourself is the way.

also here’s this post again bc it really gives you the process from start to finish. do you need to follow this perfectly ? absolutely not. you have to be willing to play around and find your own way that really speaks to you. but this is a great outline to begin with.

i hope this helps. i wish you all the best 💓

[crystalsenergy]

Lilith in Cancer / 4th house: negative mother complex | devouring mother archetype

archetypes, negative complexes and astrological positions

[mother's behaviors - the shadow part of Lilith in Cancer and the 4th house]

(Demeter and Persephone)

note: the position is far beyond what i’m exploring through this post. the focus here is on just one side of Lilith.

obs.: before anything, like everything in astrology, not all positions are manifested in the way that astrologers describe because everything depends on the native's will, whether in an active or indirect way. not every position or aspect will manifest in the same way in all people, not to mention that here i focus on the negative point of the position, but it still has its positive points, even if that is not its primary nature.

Lilith in Cancer / in 4th house = possibility to behave like Démeter

Démeter symbolizes the Great Mother, with characteristics that many of us venerate, but also, behind her own exalted attitudes, she keeps an extreme side and an overprotection that masks an ability to allow her daughter to create her own individuality and flourish in other gardens, finally gaining freedom.

exacerbated "love" and overprotection masked by the person's fear of gaining individuality, freedom and becoming a woman she doesn't want her daughter to become.

this complex is related to the mother archetype.

characteristics of Lilith in Cancer/in 4th house:

the exacerbation of maternal instinct

extreme vulnerability

ability to develop dependent relationships

fear of being without her/him nourishing figure, wants to prune the person as if pruning branches of a tree

internal emotional insecurity

control of the other through emotions

denial of giving or receiving love, and at the same time, an excessive desire to dominate those around you through “love”

obsession with emotionally controlling people

projection of her/his personality over that of her/his daughter / son or mother, due to the unconsciousness of her/his internal maternal instinctual world

about the negative mother complex itself

-> the mother complex is present in all people. it can represent the need for affection, protection and connection. if the initial experience we had in life was satisfactory and met our expectations and needs, the mother complex tends to be positive. however, if the experience is one of extreme protection and “care” or an extreme absence of it, we can speak of a negative mother complex.

-> the person experiences the archetype of the Great Mother in intimate relationship with the mother. from this relationship, a particular idea of ​​being a mother is being elaborated by the person's psyche.

-> Demeter, in mythology, acts as if she has a real property right over the daughter. she sees herself primarily as a mother and not as an individual separate from that role, however, she also has an unconscious attitude as a personal relationship. she acts by exercising power and control over her daughter Persephone, and seems to be always sacrificing herself when in reality she is unable to make a real sacrifice: to give freedom to her daughter.

-> her maternal instinct imposes itself brutally until she succeeds in annihilating her own personality and that of her children”

this theme has already been present in several films / paintings / myths, which shows that there isn’t only goodness and positive aspects in a mother's protective behavior.

the story of the film “Tangled” is a good example:

in the end, this positioning of Lilith in Cancer may, deep down, have a possibility of keeping a fear of letting someone create “wings” and freeing themselves from such a relationship of immense dependence. the shadow part of this position shows us an extreme emotional insecurity and inability to love someone truly, unconditionally, accepting the individuality of the other.

and in addition we have the film “Black Swan”, in which the main character seems to be doomed to be trapped in a cage being her mother's eternal child. however, this intense “love” only masks an insecurity and a fear of leaving the daughter to allow her to build an individuality. 

this exaggerated "love" and emotional nutrition comes with only one condition: seeing the other being an extension of themselves. this can be particularly present in those who become mother, because the maternal issue occurs more strongly because of Cancer / 4th house. the person doesn’t need to be considered a bad person, it isn’t necessary to make a character judgment, but to notice the effects and it's good or bad to behave like that. it's obviously not healthy for either side. one is too limited and depends on the figure (in this case, the mother depends on the daughter to nurture her), and the other is limited in developing a stronger personality.

how to deal with it in a healthy way?

-> be a person who allows others to have their own individuality. here i gave an example of a maternal figure, a devouring mother, but this side of Lilith can arise in other types of relationships as well: in friendships, in loving relationships. the background, what marks this position is emotional insecurity and the need to control something / someone to supply such insecurity. therefore, it's important to note any pattern of emotional abuse from you towards others.

-> note that you don't need people to be a validated, important person. others don't have to be there to make sure you're feeling well.

-> be aware of possible ambiguities such as: desire to control emotionally x rejection of nurturing someone. at first you want total emotional contact with someone, but in order to control the person. and then, when it comes time to give in and allow yourself to nurture someone and have a good exchange, you run away. pay attention to that.

it’s important to mention that people with Lilith in Cancer / Lilith in 4th house may or may not behave in such way, always prevailing the choices of each individual. moreover, these positions also have good sides. but in this post, the focus is the SHADOW, which is also present in some individuals, even if not in all, and should be discussed and brought up.

[zukkoxx]

mha boys realizing they’re in love pt.1

w/ deku, bakugo

tw⚠️ insecurities!, self doubt!

deku 🥦

izuku knew he loved you since you guys started dating.

he had liked you for a long time, and when you finally got together in your last year of UA, he couldn’t have been happier.

he planned on living the rest of his life with you. and would go through any feats to make it possible.

so when you started to feel doubts about your relationship? that was a wake up call for him.

you had just finished training, all sweaty and tired, walking back to your dorm with a towel around your neck.

you scrolled through your phone mindlessly, and just happened to come across a twitter post about your boyfriend, deku, who had just taken down one of the villains that’s been on the run for months.

you smiled. you were so proud of him. already achieving his dream in becoming one of the greatest heroes. and getting the recognition he finally deserved.

you made it your your dorm, slumping on your bed as you read some of the comments.

woah this guy is still attending UA!? he’ll be a great hero for sure

there’s no one like him!

deku strikes again! what a stud😍

you laughed at some, grimaced at others that claimed the mission was too easy for him. but one particular comment had you freezing in your spot.

is he single? i won’t hesitate to run to the scene and give him my hand in marriage right now!

you knew it was a fun, lighthearted comment. but you clicked the the commenters page and instantly noticed how beautiful as preppy she was.

she was also a big deku fan...probably had more merch than you.

you sighed and threw your phone across the bed.

for the past few weeks, you had been thinking about how different you and izuku were in terms of success.

you were both in your last year of high school, and he had already done so much.

worked on so many cases with pro heroes and went through successful missions all the time. he was destined to become the greatest hero.

and you?

well, you’ve never even caught a villain.

sure you’ve helped out on low grade missions for the hero you interned under, but you had never been publicly praised like izuku. you never stood out.

you had trouble believing you’d become a hero at all.

you always wondered, wouldn’t izuku be better off with someone that could keep up with him? who wouldn’t hold him back. someone who he wouldn’t leave in the dust when he excelled in the future.

he deserved someone better.

your thoughts were cut off when your dorm door brushed open, revealing no other than the man himself.

izuku walked into your room with worried eyes and seemed out of breath.

“y/n? ive texted and called a bunch of times. why haven’t you answered?” he asked, and you subtly turned to your phone that you discarded on the other half of the bed.

“my ringer was off. sorry izu.” you tired to give him a smile as he sat next to you on your bed. “i saw an article about your mission today. you were amazing!” you complimented.

“ahh you give me too much credit. i couldn’t have dont anything with the pro heroes and other people helping.”

“still, you’re a great hero. i wish i was like that.” you chuckle dryly, past insecurities already pushing forward again.

“what!? you’re a great hero y/n!” izuku exclaimed.

“i’ve barely done anything izuku. i don’t know how you put up with me. i should be able to help you on your missions, but i’m stuck in the same position i have been in. i don’t know when i’ll improve.”

you didn’t mean to sound so pathetic, but you had been feeling this way for so long. it was all just spilling out now.

and izuku? he literally stopped breathing when he heard what you were saying about yourself. “you deserve someone that will be able to keep up with you. what will people think when they find out the amazing deku is dating a weak, incapable, good for nothing-”

“don’t say one more word y/n.” izuku cuts you off, and you look up to meet his eyes piercing yours.

they were dark, nothing like their usual gleaming glow that shined when he looked at you.

there was no sign of amusement on any of his features. just dead seriousness

“what the hell are you talking about y/n?” he asks, but doesn’t give you a chance to respond. “you’re one of the most courageous, brave, intelligent, capable people i know! where is all of this coming from?”

“i’ve been thinking about it for a while. it’s just you’re so...amazing and i’m so...” you knew anything you could have said after that would make him even more angry. it was nothing positive.

god he probably hated you for being so insecure.

“you’re you, y/n.” izuku says softly. “you’re you and you’re who i love. i don’t care about what i do, what you do, who says what! i love you for you!”

izuku looks at you with so much love and compassion. you stared into his eyes, wondering what was gong on in his head.

well? at the moment he despised himself for letting you feel this way.

you were his whole world! the person who supported you in everything he did and he would support you in the same way! he couldn’t understand why you were feeling this way when he was literally...in love with you.

he loved you yeah of course, but hearing the way you were speaking about yourself, and how you had doubts about your relationship made his heart physically hurt. he was absolutely and unconditionally in love with you and wouldn’t be able to see himself with anyone else.

and he needed you to hear it.

“y/n you’re my everything! i’m so in love with you, no amount of fame or recognition could make me even think about leaving you!” izuku said urgently, and he finally calmed down when he saw a slight smile reach your lips.

a real one this time.

the conversation continued, and izuku promised to let you learn and remember how in love he was with you until it was the last thing he’d do.

bakugo 💥

bakugo would never pursue anyone unless he definitely knew he loved them.

so of course he never asked you out when he couldn’t differentiate if what he felt for you was love, or if it was a stupid little crush.

he didn’t like thinking about his feelings, especially the irrelevant ones.

he was trying to become the number one hero. who needed time for love anyways?

so he ignored his “feelings” for you, not allowing them to confuse him any longer.

it wasn’t until a few months into his third year when bakugo got the worst news of his life.

you were on a mission. an important one that had you absent from school for weeks.

bakugo was worried.

he’d text you every few days, asking what was going on and how things were and you’d always respond with “it’s fine.” or “we’re hanging in there.”

he assumed it was a pretty difficult mission, but nothing you couldn’t handle.

you were strong

so when he heard from a certain icy-hot that you were in the hospital in critical condition after completing the mission, he forgot about everything and ran straight to you.

ignoring aizawa’s calls, he almost blasted himself out of UA and checked every hospital for you, considering he didn’t even ask todoroki which one you were in before he left.

when he finally reached the hospital holding you, he sprinted to your room.

he found you hooked up to a bunch of wires and tests.

you looked peaceful, sleeping while the heart monitor beeped beside you.

but you looked horrible. bloody bandages covered almost every limb, and your body was covered in bruises.

bakugo’s heart dropped to his stomach. he couldn’t stand seeing you like this.

why does his feelings have to be 100x more noticeable when your tragically hurt!?

he sat down on the empty chair beside the hospital bed, wondering why no one else was visiting at this time.

he stared at you, something he couldn’t get off of his mind lately.

“why do you make me feel things, dumbass?” he asked, waiting for a response. “i never skip class! you just had to get hurt and make me skip the test review.” he rolled his eyes, but his face softened as he looked at you, still sleeping.

“i’ll help you study. you’ll probably fail without going over what we learned.”

.....

“would you wake up, you shitty woman!” he yelled, gripping the side of your bed “this is scary, you know?”

.....

“i should’ve called you today, i just assumed you’d be too busy to talk. if you told me you were in trouble, i’d blast my ass to wherever you were in a heartbeat.” bakugo said, feeling his actual heart skip a beat when you still didn’t respond. 

“please wake up...”

after about an hour of waiting, your other classmates came in, checking on your condition.

you still hadn’t woken up, but your vitals were better and your breath were more steady.

by the time night fell, everyone left; except for bakugo

he was just starting to fall asleep when he felt she. he heard you stir in the hospital bed.

his head shot up, quickly turning to face you as he saw you blinking you eyes slowly.

“y/n!” he yelled a little louder than anticipated, making you shoot awake and look at him.

you blinked a few more times before realizing who you were looking at. “katsuki!?” you asked, trying to sit up, but feeling a sharp pain in your side.

“hey! don’t move dumbass. are you okay? do you remember anything?” he frantically asked.

“umm...i’m fine?” you said, sounding like you were trying to convince yourself. “why are you here?”

“why am i here? you were admitted into the hospital in critical condition!”

“i-i’m sorry, everything’s a bit fuzzy right now.” you say softly, putting a hand on your forehead and tryin got remember everything.

bakugo softened, and waited until you got yourself together. “how long have you been here?” you ask

“since this morning.”

“this morning!? katsuki what about school? do your parents even know you’re here?”

“why the hell are you worried about me? you’re the one hooked up to all these machines and can barely move!” bakugo yelled, trying to understand why you were so focused on him being there with you.

“i just never thought you’d be the one to go out of your way to check on someone. let alone be here the whole day...” you whispered, suddenly feeling shy at the idea of bakugo keeping your sleeping body company for hours.

bakugo froze at your words.

he really wasn’t the type to go check on people for more than a few minutes. especially not one to skip school because of it.

maybe he did this because he felt a little more than what he thought he did.

maybe this wasn’t a stupid little crush? maybe it was something serious that he had just been blowing off.

when he heard about your condition, he just couldn’t stand by. there must have been something that pushed him to run to you.

“it’s cause u care about you...idiot. i wasn’t gonna a let you suffer here alone.” he huffs, crossing his arms.

“katsukiii do you like me or something?” you asked in a teasing tone

he couldn’t believe you were making jokes at a time like this. furthermore, he couldn’t believe how easy it was for you to see through his facade.

“i do.” he states. there was no point in lying.

“i was just kidding kats-“

“i’m not.” he cuts you off. “i care about you, and i like you. a lot. so...you better like be bad damn it. or i’ll blow you to bits!”

you chuckled and smiled tenderly at him. you definitely weren’t expecting him to say that, but you weren’t complaining.

“i like you too...i guess.” you smile, and katsuki tsked before smirking at you.

he finally felt like he could breath again, and that everything was going to be fine now.

except...katsuki didn’t like you. he loved you. but no way would he tell you that

this absolutely sucks i can’t believe i’m posting this. if you can, plz give me some requests so i don’t make trash hcs like this again. they’ll be a pt.2 later. hopefully it isn’t as bad as this one.

click here to send a request. i’d really appreciate it!

[rainbowsky]

I guess there is no other way for dd than playing along & publishing a propaganda song, but doesn’t he have any say in that? Is it because he is part of the party? I see the cover for this song is unmeaning, but dd seems so sure & righteous in his doings, expects it from others too, always standing behind the values of the ccp. How can someone queer come along with these values? Just because it’s his job? How can he reconcile that with his attitude towards his own feelings? thx as always ~♡

Fake, fan fiction, CPN.

This is in reference to a previous post.

There are so many layers to this question, and your ask rubbed me the wrong way a bit, Anon, is because it comes across - I’m sure completely unintentionally - as insensitive to some of those layers. But that could be because I’m very touchy about anything that might seem to denounce them for behaving within their circumstances.

Survival - Under such a regime, people will do what is expected of them for their own safety and well-being. Especially people who are from a targeted minority group such as anyone LGBTQ. This is just common sense, and we all need to have some compassion for the harsh realities GG and DD are dealing with. This is a regime that regularly commits horrible atrocities. To expect them to go against that regime in any way is to expect them to risk their safety and well-being. And for what? So that a few privileged international fans can feel better about the choices their idols make? Out of some misguided Western sense of ‘wokeness’? We all need to realize and respect just how serious the situation still is in China for queer people, particularly very high profile, enormously popular queer people with the most popular CP in the country, under a regime that has explicitly forbidden anything that might seem to promote homosexuality. Anything they need to do to protect themselves, I fully support unconditionally.

GG and DD are from a targeted group that is living under an often brutal, totalitarian, repressive, propagandistic regime that has been systematically rolling back LGBTQ rights. Anything they do relating to that regime should be carefully and compassionately considered from that perspective and through that lens. Just a few of the factors at play, here:

Misguided belief - Every country, every regime in the world raises their citizens with the values they want upheld by the population. Yes, even the supposed ‘free and democratic’ US of A. Some of those values will absolutely suck - for example, the idea that universal health care is not a human right, or that corporations should have more power than citizens. But when those values are the water you’re swimming in, it can sometimes be difficult to even separate yourself enough to see those values for what they are, let alone begin to examine and question them.

Celebrity image within a cultural context - There are many things that are going to be expected of GG and DD as celebrities within a sociopolitical climate such as the one in mainland China. Things that might be difficult for us to understand because we are so far removed from the cultural and political realities they are working within. Especially in a place like China, no celebrity is going to be allowed to go very far if their behavior and speech in any way goes against the image of what the regime wants the public to follow. Every celebrity is going to be a mouthpiece on some level for whatever the regime wants to be expressed and upheld. If we want to keep seeing GG and DD in dramas and variety shows and performances, we’re just going to have to accept that.

Personal values - Whether some fans like it or not, some of the values that are voiced or upheld by GG and DD are going to reflect their own genuine beliefs and values based on their own life experience. For example, it’s possible (and it’s impossible to say for certain) that DD is very against drugs. Anti drug messaging might rub some international fans the wrong way given the progressive values we often hold about drug use, but it’s DD’s own right to hold his own views and express them in the world. It would be pretty sad if we reject someone - someone whose views are often repressed by their circumstances - for expressing the few genuinely held views they actually are able to openly discuss. Again, this is not a claim about how DD feels about drugs, it’s just an example I’m using to make a point. They have the right to their own conscience, and to hold and uphold whatever values they choose to.

Patriotism - Most of us love our countries. Why should GG and DD be any different? Do they not have the right to love and support their country, even in spite of some of the ways their country makes their lives more difficult? People these days are fond of painting things as black and white, but there is real nuance to most things in life. I loved my family, for example, despite the fact that they were extremely bigoted toward me and my values. I loved them while hoping they would grow and change over time. I’m sure it’s probably no different for GG and DD living in a country like China. We can love our countries while still wanting them to be better and do better. Most of us have mixed feelings about the complex issues in our lives.

So to answer your question, Anon, I’m sure that DD reconciles his feelings just fine, just as I reconcile my feelings for GG and DD just fine. It’s about accepting reality and making the most of the hand you are dealt. It’s about living the best life you can within the parameters you are given. It’s about loving someone for who they are.

And it’s not as difficult as it might seem. Remember, this is just their reality. To outsiders some of these issues and struggles might seem really crazy, harsh and difficult, but from the inside it’s just ‘normal’. What they’ve always known and lived with.

Of course I’m sure they struggle against things from time to time, and they certainly push the boundaries as far as they can, but I want them to be safe more than I want them to take a stand. By a huge, wide margin. So whatever they need to do to be safe and to be allowed to prosper, I trust their judgment and I leave it in their capable hands.

I will also add, as a final note, that we don’t really know their true feelings or values, nor do we know if they are ‘part of the party’. Let’s not forget that they aren’t free to fully express their opinions not just because they are Chinese, but also because they are celebrities.

And as we all know, this is utterly fake fan fiction. It would be completely foolish for anyone to think otherwise.

I have written a bit about this topic previously. That post can be found here.

[ahopelessromantic]

Love in the Time of Corona ➳ S. Reid

Pairing: Spencer x Reader

Warnings: Some mentions of anxiety, Spencer is in love and forgets how to act like a person

Word count: 2,5k 

Prompts: 23, ‘You love me?’

Getting locked in a hotel with your colleague hadn’t exactly been in your plans. But maybe spending quarantine with Spencer wasn’t even that bad of a thing.

“Are you sure?” Chewing on the insides of your cheeks, you watched Spencer talk to Hotch on the phone. “Alright, call us if anything changes.” With a sigh, he hung up and turned to look at you. “Hotch is trying to pull some strings to get us back home, but for now we’re stuck here.” You nodded, your gaze darting around the hotel lobby. “I need to call Garcia, she needs to know where my spare key is so she can get in and feed Goblin, and shit, I probably don’t have enough food for him for two weeks at home, someone needs to-“ Spencer calmed you down with a hand on your shoulder. “Hotch said Garcia already went to your apartment and fed him, she knew where the key was from when she watered your plants last time you visited your parents. Goblin is well taken care of.” You exhaled and looked into his eyes, scanning them for any form of anxiousness. But there was only kindness in them, and you relaxed. If Spencer wasn’t freaking out, then why should you?

“Come on.” He said, a light smile on his lips. “Let’s go check out how badly assorted the hotel library is.”

Goblin was your cat back home in Quantico, a spoiled diva you loved unconditionally and worried about endlessly. You hadn’t exactly expected the state you were in to go into corona lockdown so suddenly and the whole ordeal made your whole body buzz with anxiety. Of course you wanted to protect as many people as possible from getting sick, and under normal circumstances you would have gone into quarantine without a word of complaint, but you just really wanted to go home. You normally didn’t have a problem with the middle-class hotels your employer booked for you when you were away on cases, but then again you also normally didn’t have to spend long amounts of time in them. Spencer and you had been sent ahead to go check out a possible serial killer case, and the rest of the team would have followed once you had confirmed there were lives at stake. But now, instead of investigating, all you could do was aimlessly roam the hotel’s dull hallways, wishing for a change of scenery or at least, your own four walls. The only distraction and good thing in all of this was Spencer, who was doing an amazing job at keeping you sane. Being alone with your thoughts so much wasn’t exactly the best for your mental health, and if anyone in the world could understand that it was Spencer. He knew what it was like when your own thoughts became a weapon sharp enough to destroy you.

“Look at this idiot.” You chuckled and turned your phone so Spencer could see the picture Penelope had sent you. “He knows exactly that he’s not allowed on the kitchen counter.” Spencer smiled, zooming on the picture of your cat passed out in the sink. “Looks like you raised him well.” He teased, causing you to throw your napkin at him. “Hey! I’ll have you know that I am a very devoted cat mother.” You both laughed, only to be interrupted by the maid that was on breakfast duty. She sighed and sent you both a dreamy look before pulling out her notepad. “Such a sweet couple you two are, makes me miss my younger days. Can I bring you anything else?” Instead of telling her about the second tea you had been meaning to order you just blinked at her in shock. Spencer across from you seemed just as frozen, the two of you probably looking utterly stupid to the hotel’s staff member. She just rolled her eyes and started loading your plates onto her tray. “Not there yet? Okay, I’ll leave you to it.” Once she was gone you both erupted into baffled laughter. It had been eight days in the hotel already, and you were slowly starting to make friends with the staff, but so far you hadn’t really been that close with them. Each day was a mere repetition of the one before, and you were barely clinging to the last shreds of normalcy and sanity anymore. Spencer and you met up for breakfast in the mornings, tried to work on the case for a bit just for the sake of feeling like you still had something meaningful to do, went to lunch, sought shelter in the tiny library that was mostly there for show, had dinner and then, sometimes, you went for a drink in the hotel lobby bar. The two of you were growing closer by the day. It was slowly beginning to feel like Spencer was just an extension of your own limbs instead of a whole different person. You had learned long ago that once Spencer felt comfortable around someone he latched onto them, but now it felt like your souls were truly melting together.

“There you are.” He spoke softly, sitting down across from you. You just acknowledged him with a smile, playing with the coaster of your drink. “I went ahead and ordered your favourite.” You mumbled and watched him nod. Spencer could tell something was off, feeling slightly helpless over how to help you. “You look awfully lost in thought today.” Surprised at his words you looked him in the eyes, not yet used to him being so tuned into your emotions. “I just-“ You stopped yourself to sigh heavily. “I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind. I can’t sleep properly and when I do, I have these really vivid, weird dreams, I miss my apartment and my cat… this just isn’t exactly how I expected this case to go.” Spencer nodded in understanding. “According to a research centre in France, there has been a 35% increase in dream recall, and participants of the study are reporting 15% more negative dreams than usual. Dream experts believe that the withdrawal from our usual environments and daily stimuli forces our subconscious minds to transform the invisible virus into a lot of different things in our dreams. Actually, it’s perfectly normal to be having weird dreams right now. I have them too.” You felt a warm feeling bloom in your chest. Whenever your mind got the best of you these days Spencer was there to bring you back to reality again. He was the ratio to your emotio. “Thank you.”, you mumbled shyly. He smiled. “Come on, let’s get you to bed. You need to get your mind off things.” Conveniently, your hotel rooms were right next to each other, so even after you parted ways for the night you didn’t feel too far from him. For some reason though, that specific night was the worst one for you since being quarantined in the hotel. Even after two hours of shifting you couldn’t find into the realms of sleep, despite feeling exhausted and drained from doing nothing all day. You finally decided to get up and make yourself a cup of tea, loudly stumbling over one of your shoes on the way to the electric kettle. You groaned when your behind met with the floor, not even the carpet properly cushioning your fall. Great. You had quite literally arrived at the bottom of things. A knock at the door ripped you out of your thoughts and, limping slightly, you made your way to your room’s entrance. When you opened the door your face was met with none other’s than Spencer’s, a worried look on his face. “Are you okay? I’ve been hearing you shift around for ages and then I heard a loud thump.” You smiled sheepishly. “I’m good. I just couldn’t sleep again and tripped on my way to make myself some tea.” He looked at you, something like worry in his eyes. And then, suddenly, he hugged you tightly. “Spence, what are you doing?” You asked with wide eyes, face smushed against his chest. “Did you know that hugging releases oxytocin? It’s a powerful hormone that works as an antidote for depressive feelings and anxiety. It also underlies individual and social trust. Hugs even affect our physical well being, for example by lowering our blood pressure. Scientifically-“ “Spencer, I love you, but for the love of god please shut up now.” You murmured, long having closed your eyes and leaned into his warm embrace. It was only then you realised what exactly you had just said. You felt him tense up. “You…” His hand on your back suddenly felt like it was going to burn through your skin. “You love me?” You leaned slightly away from him to look him in the face, surprised about your own words. “I think I do.” You spoke in wonder. Apparently, your subconscious had already known about your feelings for Spencer for way longer than your conscious self. But instead of answering, Spencer stepped away from you, a frazzled look on his face. “I… excuse me.” Helplessly, you watched him disappear back into his room, fear speeding up your heartbeat. What had just happened? Had the lockdown madness finally gotten to you? With trembling fingers, you closed your door behind you. That night you didn’t catch a minute of sleep.

The whole next day you couldn’t find Spencer anywhere. It seemed like he was actively hiding from you, and it made your chest hurt from rejection. He was smart and most of all he was your friend, you had really expected him to at least talk it out with you. But no, rather than that it seemed like he had never stepped foot into that damned hotel. It wasn’t until the late evening hours, when you had already gotten ready for bed, that you saw him again. He had knocked on your door, standing in front of you with an apologetic look on his face and three flowers clutched in one hand. They seemed oddly familiar to you, and at second glance you realised that he had stolen them from the hotel lobby. Before you could even begin to ask, he sent you a pleading look “Please, please don’t say anything right now. I want you to know exactly how I feel, and I practised it in the mirror but quite frankly I have never been this nervous in my life and I might forget something if you start speaking.” His voice was shaky, he was stumbling over his words like you had never seen him do before. “I’m sorry. For running off yesterday. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to tell you this for the longest time and then you just said it so casually and for a moment all my fuses burnt through. I’m so in love with you and I am so terrified because I’ve never felt like this, and I know that once I tell you this it will be real, and my life will change forever. I didn’t think there was a person out there like you, a person for me. There is no scientific proof for soulmates but you just… fit with me. I love you too, (Y/N). I love you.” His words had rendered you speechless. You felt tears run down your cheeks, and it was only when you felt Spencer’s hand wipe them away that you returned to reality. You placed your hand on his, further leaning into his touch, and sobbed. “I didn’t mean to make you cry, I’m sorry. This isn’t really my strong suit.” You laughed and pressed a kiss to his hand. “It’s not mine either. And don’t worry Spence, you were perfect. Thank you for having the courage to tell me. Just please, never run off on me like that again.” He leaned his forehead against yours and closed his eyes, a serene smile on his lips. “I promise.”

From there on, the rest of quarantine passed by incredibly quick. Now, you were actually glad you were locked in with Spencer. It gave the two of you the perfect time and opportunity to explore the very nature of your relationship. You started sleeping over in each other’s rooms, wearing each other’s clothes, at night Spencer lulled you to sleep by reading to you. When Hotch called once the two weeks were over to tell you that you would be able to return home with the jet you were almost disappointed. But at least this you could board the jet holding each other’s hands without worrying about anyone seeing. And it wasn’t too bad either that you had had your first time with each other and joined the mile-high club at the same time. You were never going to be able to look at those leather couches the same way again. Touched down back home in Quantico you had the orders to return straight home and quarantine for another fourteen days. Stood in front of your car you could tell that the two of you were trying to prolong your time together, rambling on about the most random things just to avoid having to say goodbye for two weeks. But watching him walk away after one last, long kiss filled your heart with such aching that you called out for him to stop. “Wait, Spence!” He turned around, an almost relieved look on his face. “Yeah?” He walked back to you, gripping the strap of his bag. “I know this is crazy, and maybe it’s too much considering we haven’t even officially talked about whether or not we’re dating now but… I just… hate the thought of suddenly not seeing you for two weeks straight after seeing your cute face every day for what feels like so long. So… do you want to quarantine at my apartment? We can get some of your clothes on the way there, and I promise I’ll cook whatever you want. I just don’t want to miss your morning cuddles anymore.” A wide smile had spread across his features while you had talked, and before you had even fully finished he had already nodded enthusiastically. “Thank god you asked, I didn’t know how to.” Both laughing, you got into your car.

“Oh, you gotta be kidding me.” Morgan groaned when he saw you and Spencer enter the BAU together once quarantine was over. You didn’t even have to hold hands for everyone to see that you were a couple now. “When did they start dating??” Emily looked at you with a grin, crossing her arms. “Technically, it doesn’t look like they started dating. They were just locked in together for so long that they fell in love.” Hotch joined your little group, the usual frown on his face. “Enough about the lovebirds, we have a case to get to. But-“ He turned to look at you and suddenly there was a teasing grin on his face as well. “Looks like quarantine treated you well, right?” You just rolled your eyes, burying your face in your hands. “Not you too, Hotch, not you too!”

Spencer actually didn’t even end up leaving your apartment once quarantine was over. In fact, he had gotten so comfortable that after two months, he terminated the contract for his own flat. Now, every Sunday morning, it wasn’t just you spread out on your couch with your cat anymore. It was the two of you.

[snapefiction]

#2. Christmas Card - Snapemas Challenge

A/N: Day 2 of #Snapemas! I hope you’ll like it! :)

Idea from @deepperplexity ´s Writing Challenge !

❤️ Please remember that English isn’t my native language and that my Writings will include Mistakes and maybe weird formed sentences. ❤️

Pairing: Student!Severus Snape x Student!Reader (kind of?)

Warnings: Bullying, Mentions of a wrecked Home

Word count: 2273

Y/N - Your Name

#2. Christmas Card

Cautious to not make a sound the young raven head boy made his way through the corridors that seemed to be endless. Hoping he wouldn’t meet Potter and his pack of idiots on his way to his Potions Class with Professor Slughorn. His life wasn’t doing him well and to be honest he was more than just sick of it. Every day became an endless torture and drained every drop of energy out of him. The Fact that he was still getting out of his bed everyday was a wonder. He felt like - he knew- he was a dead man walking. Not because he did something sinful, no, but because Potter and Sirius in particular decided to turn his life into hell. As if it wasn’t enough that his Parents were treating him as badly as imaginably possible he got bullied almost every moment of his school day. Thinking about all of this made him clutch his books closer to his chest.

He really wished for an friend or at least someone to talk to. But there was no one. Yes, he got quiet well along with Professor Slughorn. But that was different. He taught him Things he really found interest in and was the first person ever who was showing any kind of positive interest in him. But he still was a Professor.

Merlin had some Mercy with the sad boy and he gladly didn’t meet his bullies on his way to class. The cold temperature at the dungeons remembered him that Christmas was coming soon. As he prepared his materials for class he couldn’t get his mind of having to go back home. His Father was even worse than the Marauders and would try everything to make Severus regret that he was born. If he only knew that he wasn’t quiet happy about being alive as well he probably would be mad at him for that as well. Potions, which was his last class for the day, went by quickly and so Severus could finally make his way towards the Libary to grab some new books before heading to the dinner. This Time he wasn’t as lucky as earlier. Potter already awaited him before he could slip into the great hall and just grab a Toast and maybe a Muffin.

,, Aww Snivellus, I heard you are going back home over the Holidays? Not even Dumbledore wants you around on Christmas.“ The Head of the Gang, the arrogant Swine Potter spat those words towards Severus before he almost choked on his Laughter.

,,I bet that not even your Mother wants you around.” Black now added and just hit a Nerve Severus wasn’t aware of he still owned. ,,Shut up you idiot!“ Quickly he laid his Hand on his wand just in case that Potter was up to something again or if his attack would remain just vocal this time.

You felt the tension from afar. Something was wrong and you knew you had to do something against it. Looking around your table you couldn’t spot any type of issue happening. Fast you pushed yourself up from the table just so you could get out of the great hall and finally spot what caused you your unease. It were Sirius Black, James Potter, Peter Pettigrew and your Brother Remus Lupin. Again they picked up on Severus Snape the Young Slytherin. Oh, you hated it whenever someone got treated badly.

- Flashback -

You knew who Severus was because you often heard Remus and his ,,Friends” gossiping about him. Once, back at home when everyone of his friends went back home you dared to ask Remus some questions about Snape. ,,Remus?“ Quickly he looked up. You loved your Brother unconditionally but this topic laid like concrete on your chest. ,,Yes, yn?” His usual dreamy smile invited you to the seat next to him on his bed.

,,Can I ask you something? You got to be completely honest, okay?“ Nervous you watched him tense up a bit before nodding shyly in agreement.

,,You can ask me any-"

,,Why do you bully this Slytherin boy so much? What did he do?” The words rushed out of your mouth so fast that you feared he didn’t catch up everything you said. His following silence filled the room with empty assumptions. Watching his hands fidgeting around with a Thread from his trousers.

,,I don’t have many friends, you know.“ He then breathed shaky. ,,I tried to talk to James and Padfoot but… I don’t know. I don’t like it either but they’re the only friends I got. And Severus was just.. there.. kind of.” Remus voice was trembling and you knew he felt sorry for Severus and like his hands were tied.

,,That’s not okay. He’s always alone, does he even have friends? And you worry about losing Potter and-“

,,I’m not proud of it either, YN.” ,,It’s such a pity that you choose to be selfish when it comes to other people’s wellbeing. I really wished you’d be better than .. them.“ Leaving his room you couldn’t stop but feel pity for Severus and anger about your Brothers little Boyband. From this day on you told yourself you won’t ever let this behaviour slide again. If Remus wouldn’t stand up for whats right, ethical right, then you’d do it. Periodt.

Watching how Potter used his wand to let Severus fly around made you angry. He treated him like a gummy figure. But it was even worse that your beloved brother again did nothing.

,,Expelliarmus!” You shouted towards Potter who was more than just surprised about this sudden attack. ,,Remus, what the hell is wrong with your Sister? Is she out of her mind?“ Out of the corner of your eye you could see how Severus quickly grabbed his belongings and rushed into the great hall.

,,Shut up, Potter. Your behaviour is more than just disgusting. If you want to fight, fight against me, you wimp.” Your voice rose and instantly made James shit up. ,,Y/N, just leave, okay? Merlin, that’s non of your business!“ Remus tried to shove you back into the great hall but you just turned around to face him and whispered: ,,Don’t Make me use Silencio on you, idiot.” Tearing away your arm you just shook your head towards the rest of them and walked back to your seat. Knowing this won’t have any type of revenge following because that’s the one thing Remus would never allow them to and they would never hurt someone this close to them. As you looked over to the Slytherin Table you saw Severus sitting alone in front of an empty plate. He was rubbing his head, probably out of pain from his downfall, before he drank something from his cup and picked up his fork. Wondering what’s on his mind you just copied his movements. First taking a sip from your water and then starting to eat some broccoli and potatoe slices.

As the Christmas break neared and you received multiple cards from your close friends, housemates and even one from your Head of House(which just wanted to let you know that your courage was truly admireable and wished you a merry Christmas) you couldn’t deny but admit that those little cards made you feel loved. Slowly you slid the colorful cards into your suitcase before looking through your cupboard again. Your Christmas Shopping Spree from early November made you buy an additional Christmas Card for someone special this year.

It wasn’t a secret that Severus never got Mail or Presents and this, besides all the other sad truths about this boy, made your heart tear apart for just another few millimetres. Over the last few Months or maybe even year you couldn’t deny that there weren’t some sort of butterflies in your belly whenever you saw him. Yes, you felt Pity because Potter was more than just a pain in the ass but you also liked him for .. for everything he was. He was really smart, a rare gift that People Potter sadly didn’t own. He was gifted in Potions and knew ways of brewing you didn’t even considered plus he was, if you got past his hard shell, a really nice Boy. You were too shy to ask him to be friends or something but sometimes, when courage hit you, you sat down across of him in the library to just let him know that there was someone not hating his pure existence but appreciating it to the fullest. Even though you never talked to him you knew it was your time to make the first step of introducing yourself. He hasn’t rejected you until now so why would he after receiving something like a Christmas card? Closing your cupboard you quickly went over to your desk with the spare Christmas card in one and your feather in the other hand.

It was the last meal before the train would arrive and he’d have to go back home. It felt like a hangman’s meal. Every bite made him want to choke on it. He could feel how the chicken laid like stones painfully in his stomach. Some Students weren’t even attending at the Breakfast before the Train arrived. He hear them in the common room saying how nervous they were and how they couldn’t eat anything out of pure excitement. How that must feel like? Would he ever know? Laying down the fork he thought it would never come a time for him to feel safe and happy. He sighed and let his head hang low.

As something in front of him moved he quickly looked up. The last thing he needed was Peeves or some students bothering him now. He just wanted to sulk in sorrow until he had to catch the Train back to London. Confused he had to notice how an young owl landed right in front of him. He had never seen it before so his skeptics was appropriate. Scanning the Envelope he almost didn’t believed his eyes. It was addressed to him! Taking the Envelope still being curious and cautiously he traded an piece of his dinner with the Owl as an payment. As it flew away he carefully watched around. Was it a prank? Was someone watching him? No one even seemed to take any notice of him. So who would write him a letter? Shoving it in his robe he quickly made his way to his room so he could read it in the safety of some privacy. Almost running to his room he couldn’t stop thinking about who’d write him a letter. His feet couldn’t run any faster but he still tried to speed up so he could finally discover his new possession.

Reaching his room, falling onto his bed and closing the drapes with a small spell he tried to open it. The Envelope seemed to be stuck and as he grew more and more impatient he notice a small sentence on the back of the envelope. ,Do not open until it’s Christmas Day.“ A deep sigh left his throat. It was casted with an spell. Torture! Making him all tensed up and then making him wait another 48 hours! How would he even be able to wait until then? Unsatisfied he closed his eyes.

To his surprise the time until Christmas went by fast. He couldn’t stop thinking about the Envelope he got. The whole Train ride long, the whole time he had to spent with his parents while eating dinner together or just in general he could get his mind to think of something positive. It was exciting. He had no doubt anymore that anyone would prank him. A tingle spread through his whole body as he finally sat down on his bed, laying his book aside, and finally carefully tearing open the envelope. He was slightly shaking as his eyes carefully watched the Christmas card. It was draped in glitter and colourful pictures. The card was as cheesy as could be- but he loved it. He never had gotten a Christmas card himself before. Also it was rare to receive anything at all. So this was better than anything he had ever gotten. He was sure about that. Almost forgetting that there was a Text inside of the Card he eased his eyes from the glittery pictures and finally got to read the writing.

,,Dear Severus, from the bottom of my heart I wish you a Merry Christmas. I hope you’ll get the best presents this year and have the best holidays as possible. This Card is a reminder that there’s someone appreciating you. Don’t care about that Potter Dunderhead and his idiot friends they’re not worth it and just jealous of you. Sometimes I am too because I’ve never met someone intelligent as you are. Maybe, I really hope so, next year on Christmas I can call you a friend of mine. Again, Merry Christmas, Severus. And a happy new year.

x’

He admired the beautiful handwriting before realising what all those words meant. All that made his teeny tiny heart flatter. There was someone he didn’t knew that was liking him? Someone who cared? A smile formed on his face. Banning his sorrow and just leaving a shimmer of hope. He couldn’t hear his parents shout to each other anymore, he couldn’t feel the cold of his room creeping into his skin, the darkness from the outside didn’t bother him anymore and he forgot anything bad that had happened this school year. It all didn’t matter because there was someone thinking about him.

Merlin, This was the best Christmas ever.

Click here to read Part #3. Smiles of the Snapemas Challenge!

Taglist: @deepperplexity

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[buckysforeverprincess]

New Plan of Attack Ch. 6

Dark Viking! James Barnes, Natasha Romonoff

Words: 1704

Warnings: None. This chapter is pretty tame but necessary.

A/N: Welcome back! Hope you’re enjoying this series as much as I am. This chapter is pretty mellow, but after the last few chapters, it’s needed. However, James is still dark and things are happening!!! Enjoy!

It’s mid-day when James leaves his home and begins to walk down the road and into the Viking village. He’d spent the morning trying to figure out how to unjumble the mess he made a week ago when he set the plan for Wanda’s death in motion to no avail. How did things get so complicated and what the hell was he going to do to fix his mistake? Gods, he never planned for this and the fact that he’d not is what was frustrating him more.

 James waved to the people as he walked by, all of them smiling at their leader. Their failure as a leader, he thought in his head. He can’t believe his plan backfired on him. Well, it didn’t exactly go badly. Wanda was dead and that was supposed to be the result, but Steven was the one that was to take her life, not the Princess, and because of that he’d have to figure out a new way to get his plan to carry on.

 Natasha is standing on the steps of her home, waiting for him as he gets closer. He can see her staring at him, most likely analyzing him, knowing his mood has been soured as of late, no signs of turning around.

 “What’s with the long face?” She asks when he stands in front of her.

 “Do you really need to ask?”

 She chuckles and shakes her head, turning around and opens the door to her house. James follows and steps inside, the room warm and inviting from the fireplace. Natasha shuts the door and makes her way to the table and sits down, the brunette following suit and joining her.

 “Why don’t you tell me what’s really bothering you.”

 “Really? As if you don’t know!” He replies and Natasha rolls her eyes.

 The redhead crosses her arms to her chest and shrugs. “I fail to see what the problem is. You got what you wanted, and Wanda is dead. Perhaps you'd be happier about this instead of sulking about.”

 James sighs and sits silently for a moment, trying to will himself to calm down, feeling the frustration growing with each passing moment. “She wasn’t supposed to kill Wanda… It was supposed to be Steven.”

 “So??!!” Natasha scrunches her face, not understanding why the who is important. “You got what you wanted. You no longer have to deal with woman you wanted nothing to do with, and her men are now loyal to you. What more could you ask for?”

 James groaned, putting his head in his hands and stared at the table. Natasha was right. The plan to end Wanda’s life had worked. Once her men learned she tried to kill the Princess while she was with child, they immediately pledged their loyalty to the leader of the Viking clan, not wanting Wanda’s actions to reflect badly upon them. It was a solid victory for James.

 The downside? Well the villagers immediately fell in love with the Princess. That wasn’t supposed to happen. When they heard it was self-defense, it touched their hearts and suddenly she had gained their love and trust. James was baffled by this. How could they love her when her family is the reason they lost everything? To him, it just didn’t make any sense.

 James looks up and runs his fingers through his long brown locks and lets out a frustrated sigh. “It was supposed to be like this.”

 “And why not?!” Natasha is quick to fire back. “So, what if it was her?! Would you rather not know she’s capable of murder?!”

 He opens his mouth to speak but quickly stops before a sound can escape. Thinking back, he knows the Princess had made an attempt on his life not so long ago, but he wasn’t sure if she actually would’ve followed through. The force of the blow he’d stopped told him she might’ve killed him if he hadn’t stopped her, so maybe, somewhere deep down he knew what she was capable of when he set this plan in motion.

 However, something about Wanda’s death felt different… like the Princess was playing at her own game. Was it possible she was beginning to figure out her place in his plot and if she was, how could he throw her off his scent? James couldn’t risk her putting everything into place just yet. It was too early in his plan and he’d already come too far to lose control and have everything come crashing down. There was way too much at stake now and James would have to come up with a new strategy if he was ever to succeed.

 “She can’t be trusted,” James says with a sigh.

 Natasha huffs. “Of course, she can’t. I think you’ve underestimated your Princess. So, what do you plan to do about that?” She sits back in her chair with a smirk.

 That was a good question. He did underestimate his bride to be and that’s probably the one thing that’s got him the most bothered. If she could easily kill Wanda, then she’d have no qualms about slitting his throat in the middle of the night. He’d have to change things up if he wanted his plan to continue forward and that meant he’d have to change his tactics with the Princess.

 “I’ll need to make her like me,” James tells Natasha, “she’ll have to learn to like me, maybe even love me.”

 Natasha erupts in a fit of laughter, making James cringe and shift uncomfortably in his chair. “Oh… my… god!” She choked in between laughs. “Good luck with that!” She barks out and continues to laugh.

 James knows it’s far-fetched after the treatment he’s given her but he’s pretty sure this is his only shot at redemption. “I think I have a new plan.”

 The redhead stops laughing and quirks up her eyebrow, setting her elbows on the table and leaning in closer to James. “I’m listening.”

 “The people have fallen in love with the Princess and want to see more of her. What if I give them what they want?” James grinned and sat back in his chair, waiting for Natasha to chime in.

 “Hmmm…,” the woman replied, her face looking like she was in deep thought. “Okay, so you do that… allow the Princess more freedom. Then what? How’re you gonna make her fall in love with you?”

 James twists his face and swallows hard, the words he’s about to say painful to think about much less vocalize. “I’m gonna give her my undying devotion and attention.”

 Natasha snorts and rolls her eyes at him. “Yeah, I’m sure she’s gonna buy that. Excuse me if I don’t give you my blessing because if that’s seriously your plan, I see failure in your future.”

 James lets out an exasperated sigh and lowers his head to the table, banging in into the wood for dramatic effect. “Help me, Natasha!! I’m desperate.” He looked up and found her staring at him, eyes fixated on him like she was digging deep into his soul.

 “Maybe you’re onto something.” She clicks her tongue, her lips curving up into a smile. “Yes… we can work with this.”

 The Viking perks up, raising his head and giving the redhead his full attention. “Go on.”

 “You’ll have to change your tactics. No more cruel and mean James. It’s time to transform yourself into the Prince you’ll soon be, which means you’ll have to pretend to be utterly devoted to her and love her unconditionally. It’s time to place yourself in the game.”

 James nods enthusiastically. “This I can do, but what else? There’s got to be more to this plan than me faking the perfect life.”

 “Oh, there is...,” Natasha reassures him, “...you’re also gonna give her your best friend, Steven, as her protector and confidant. Insert him more into her everyday life. Let her learn to trust him, form a bond. One that you certainly won’t be able to break.”

 “But why?!” James questions, not able to contemplate why Steven would be a key player in this new plan. “If I’m pretending to love and cherish the Princess, why would I want him involved? Wouldn’t that just screw with the entire dynamic?!”

 Natasha smirks and raises her eyebrows. It takes James a moment but then he blinks rapidly and an “ahhh” comes from his mouth, like he finally figured it out.

 “Now I think you understand. While the village sees you being the honorable, doting, loving, husband and father, the Princess will never forgive you for what you’ve done to her. By inserting Steven, there’s a very strong chance that through their time together and the bond they’ve created, they’ll fall in love with each other. Love equals betrayal and once that happens…”

 James stands, grinning from ear to ear. “I can rightfully kill them both!”

 “As the King to her lands, you can kill them both for betraying their King and Kingdom. No one would stand in your way.”

 He begins to pace the room, his smile deepening with each turn, but then he stops and quickly sits back down in the chair across from his friend. “This is a plan that will take time. It’s not going to happen overnight.”

 “You’ve got nothing but time. Besides, the more love you show her and the more kids the two of you produce, the more vile her act of betrayal becomes. You’ll have everyone sympathetic to your cause.”

 James bites at his lip and nods, convinced this was the way to turn everything around and get exactly what he wanted. “She was always meant to die.”

 “And this way, everyone will want her head and you will be the one to serve it on a platter.”

 This new plan would work. He would pretend to love and honor the Princess and when the time came, he’d crush her and make her pay for all the vile things her and her father had done to them and he’d finally have the life he was once promised. All he had to do was play the waiting game, and it starts by pushing the Princess and his best friend together.

 “Revenge and victory will be mine.”

Viking Tags:

@ellallheart @sebastianstansqueen @kaithezaftig

Forever Tags:

@jamesbarnesappreciationclub @kruscht @palaiasaurus64 @breezy1415 @sarahp879 @supernaturaldean67 @averyrogers83 @scarlettsoldier @lovely-geek @titty-teetee @geeksareunique @peaceinourtime82 @leosandbuckysgirl @the-goddess-of-mischief @mychemicalimagines @awkwardfangirl2014 @collette04 @notyourtypicalrose @onebatch--twobatch​ @miraclesoflove​ @kcd15​ @xxloki81xx​ @death-unbecomes-you​ @thatfanficstuff​  @hotoffthepressfics​ @chuuulip​ @unlikelygalaxygiver​ @lancetuckershairgel​ @babypink224221​ @mybabe-buckybarnes​ @shield-agent78​ @the-real-kellymonster​ @caplanreads​

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i really liked your s6 blaine meta! would you be willing to do something similar for season 5 episodes 14-20?

Hi Nonny! Sorry for the delay, this is kind of a huge undertaking.  I’m going to be honest, this will be more of an abridged answer.  I really recommend looking over to my Finding Kurt Hummel Meta, because a lot of Kurt and Blaine’s stories are intertwined, and I do talk a lot about Blaine and his motivations there.  That said, let’s dig in! 

Pre-New York Arc

So, as Blaine tells us when before he’s going to graduate, his senior year has been really hard and really weird.  He broke up with his boyfriend, dealt with a school shooting, suffered the loss of a good friend, and then got engaged.  (Y’all should check out my Glee Timeline to see just how squished all of this stuff really was.) By the time his tenure as a high school student is over, he’s desperate to fast forward to being a full fledged adult -- living out his dreams in New York City.  The problem is trying to force your dreams come true doesn’t always work, especially when a) you’re still a kid trying to figure things out and b) you still have a lot of insecurities and mental health issues to deal with.  

So Blaine (and Kurt) still have a lot of growing up to do.  And a lot of the New York Arc is figuring out just that.  

Let’s talk about the proposal for a second, too.  Blaine jumping to marriage is, yes, a bit pre-mature.  He’s was so desperate to get his relationship back on track with Kurt, and so wanting to prove his commitment, he jumped about fifteen other steps and went straight to what he would be the ultimate band-aide -- marriage.  Well, just because you’re married (or engaged) doesn’t mean you don’t have a lot of issues in your relationship.  Blaine and Kurt were too young for their engagement -- and not necessarily because of their age, but because they really hadn’t dealt with a lot of things the move to New York, the cheating, and the first break up did to their relationship.  However, Blaine wants to ignore a lot of the red flags because he feels since he has Kurt back, and put a ring on that finger, he should be fine, right?  His insecurities about Kurt not loving him or wanting to leave him should be squashed because -- ring.  Right??  Oh, Blainey. 

New New York

So, what we don’t see is the six-to-nine months of Kurt and Blaine living together.  Which is a shame.  Because we don’t see how it started, and how they probably were so head over heels wanting to live together and do all the fun things Burt listed off in his conversation with Kurt before the proposal in Love Love Love that they did not have any kind of conversation about how living together would ultimately work.  So, it’s nine months later, and things aren’t so rosey.  

Blaine is trying very hard to make them the old married couple he wants them to be (which is no shade on Blaine!).  He’s singing old timey songs, and basically trying to show his love through acts of servitude, and kind of trying to ignore the nagging feeling that Kurt’s unhappy about it.  

Blaine is a giver by nature, and wants to make Kurt happy, and he thinks if he can be the perfect boyfriend (because he wasn’t before, made a mistake, didn’t take into account that Kurt really was part of that issue, and blames himself for the relationship woes) that his relationship with Kurt will be fine.  The problem is that Blaine is losing himself in the relationship -- trying to be the person he thinks Kurt wants him to be, and the person his own imagination thinks he should be, instead of the person he really is.  

The other thing is that Blaine is a bit clingy.  There’s nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with your significant other.  But Blaine wants to spend every waking moment with Kurt so they can share their magical journey together.  You see -- in high school, they were joined at the hip, and did do a lot of things together.  But they also had a lot of time apart.  They both had groups of friends to do things with, and different households to go home to.  But now, all aspects of their life are jammed into that little loft.  And for Blaine, it’s fine, (though it’s not - he has to learn how to be an individual person, too), but Kurt is struggling with it. 

Here’s the part where I do need to bring up Blaine and his homelife.  Blaine being who he is - is somewhat just his personality.  But part of it is also his homelife.  We can infer that unlike the Hummel household, Blaine’s family wasn’t exactly ones to unconditionally supportive in the same way.  He always had to compete for attention (and possibly love) with Cooper.  He has always felt that no matter how ‘good’ he is -- he’s a failure.  And he is, by far, his own worst critic.  These are things that Kurt cannot fix for him, and while Kurt can continue to love and support him, Blaine himself has to reach a belief that he is a worthy individual of love, support, and happiness.  

Also, because Blaine is trying so hard to make life perfect for Kurt, he’s not being able to make his own experience uniquely his own.  He tries to find a cute couch -- but it’s rejected (rightfully because bed bugs, but still).  He tries to make himself a space in the loft, but Kurt shuts that down.  Everything is about how Kurt thinks and feels, and because Blaine’s giving in on these things, he starts to go inward on himself, and thus they fight over dumb things.  (Kurt needs to learn how to share and compromise, Blaine needs to learn to stand up for himself and his own wants and needs.)  

As an aside, Blaine isn’t really jealous of Elliott -- that’s a bit of displaced anger.  But going to Elliott does help (wise sage that he is), and while that convo is a little weird, there is some good advice in Elliott saying you have to figure out who you are, and maybe not be so clingy.  Boundaries are good and don’t lose yourself in the relationship. 

So, about their decision to live apart -- my Kurt meta had a good paragraph: 

I’d also like to mention that Kurt isn’t really thrilled with Blaine’s idea.  He doesn’t want Blaine to leave, but he recognizes that something has to change.  Unfortunately, they’re still young and growing and don’t have the tools or experience to figure out how to fix what’s wrong.  So - in a way, I get this solution.  Blaine doesn’t know how to give Kurt emotional space - so let’s try physical instead.  

Blaine wants to fix the situation, so it’s no surprise that Blaine is the one to comp up with the solution.  It’s not great (honestly, they should have moved out and found their own place but alas tv show logic), but it’ll have to work for now.  Blaine is more interested in salvaging his relationship the only way he can try to.  Unfortunately there are some other, bigger issues going on, but for now, they’ve come up with something that might help.  

Bash

It’s a shame we don’t get more Blaine during this episode, because I think it’s really important.  There’s a story here about the frustrations a gay couple can have when one of them is going through a major trauma, and the other can only sit and wait to see how it turns out -- adding in outside factors such as, hospitals not allowing the partner to visit because they aren’t legally “family”.  

So, one of Blaine’s biggest fears is losing Kurt.  And this time he does to an external power.  Blaine, who likes to control things just about as much as Kurt, feels like he should be able to protect Kurt no matter what, and comes out of this episode feeling like it’s his duty to do that.  

You see, Blaine doesn’t think he’ll survive very well if anything ever happened to Kurt, and kind of ignoring the fact that Kurt kinda jumped into the fight himself, Blaine decides that he’ll do everything in his power to ‘save’ him.  Problem is, that’s not at all what Kurt wants or needs....  Which will be discussed more in the next episode. 

Meanwhile, Blaine manages to piss off Carmen Tibideaux with he and Rachel’s little duet idea.  Not liking anyone mad at him, he does go retake the final (or whatever it is), and pours his own fears and sadness into the song.  I do kind of wonder if Blaine’s involvement in this is a slight nod that Blaine won’t be finishing his college career at NYADA.  (Which is fine - the school is utter shit.) 

Tested

Okay, god.  Here’s the Kurt Meta because this is one really complicated episode that I won’t do justice in the little blurb I’m going to write here.  There’s A LOT going on, and it’s helpful in understanding the story as a whole, and I do write about both their sides in the Kurt Meta. 

So, here we are -- Blaine is trying to make Kurt’s New York life and experience perfect, and he kind of ignores his own.  But, he is indulging himself (as young people in new places often do) and not taking care of his physical health either.  He does gain some weight (or Glee tries to suggest that he does), and this latches on to his insecurities from before.  

A lot of this episode’s issues comes down to identity --- Blaine saw himself as the White Knight in Shiny Armor -- the one who protected Kurt from Karofsky, and made him smile.  The one who was the prince who got to give the other prince the Happily Ever After.  The problem, though, is all of this is magical fairy tale talk that doesn’t work in the real world.  

Kurt isn’t a delicate flower who needs rescuing.  He is very physically fit, and is seen as attractive by other people.  And Kurt is trying to find his own, individual identity that isn’t solely connected to Blaine.  All of this activates Blaine’s major insecurity about being rejected -- about not being loved enough.  He doesn’t understand that he doesn’t have to be the person who another person needs for them to love him.  He can just be the person who someone wants.  But Blaine has a very hard time with this concept.  His value of himself is wrapped up in how much he thinks he’s needed, which of course, causes all the problems.  

What’s making it worse is that Blaine begins to manipulate the situation -- trying to make Kurt ‘need’ him again, which is very unhealthy (don’t do that guys!).  But also starts to do what he always does, and we see a repeat of the issues had back in season 3/4.  Blaine starts to pull away physically because he fears he’s not good enough, and in turn, Kurt pulls away emotionally, and it’s just a downward spiral that they keep doing.  

The thing that Blaine is not doing is expressing how he actually feels to Kurt.  When he finally does that at the end of the episode, when he reaches out and says ‘hey I need help’ Kurt is finally there for him.  (Yes, Kurt is still pissed, but at the end of the day, Kurt is not wrong about the fact that he’ll never stop loving blaine -- no matter what happens.)  The problem is, no matter how many times Kurt can say it, or even show it, until Blaine actually trusts him, it’s never going to work.  

As an aside -- one of the reasons I think the second break up actually was good for them, is that Blaine learns how to love himself, and live with himself, after Kurt’s gone.  He’s too attached to defining his self worth based on what Kurt thinks of him -- and that’s not healthy.

(Also, I encourage you to read the Tested Meta -- there is so much to dig into in this episode!) 

Opening Night

There really isn’t much Blaine in this episode - but we do see him use his acts of service love language towards Rachel.  Usually, she’s much better in her response, though.  

I also want to point out that it’s Blaine’s idea to go to the gay bar.  I’m all for Blaine starting to learn where his places in the city are.  Makes me wonder if Kurt and Blaine frequented there together, of this was a Blaine only thing.  Hmm.  

The Back-Up Plan

So... the June Dolloway stuff.  Okay.  

June plays to Blaine’s romantic ideals of what life as a successful performer would be.  And, as we’ve talked about, Blaine’s self worth is based on the idea of how much people need him (or want to use him).  So, he kind of falls into June’s trap, and lets her try to mould him into who she thinks he is.  The problem is, that entails getting rid of Kurt.  But a big part of who Blaine is - is loving Kurt.  

There’s also the issue of competition again (which came up in Tested, too) that I kind of roll my eyes at.  I’m not going to say that Hollywood, or the performing arts, isn’t competitive.  Because it is, in a lot of ways.  However, I feel like media and society are often the ones pushing that narrative.  You can be successful and still support your friends and love ones.  

There’s an entire conversation to be had about how art is subjective, and this idea that this painting is better than that one is just kind of stupid, so all of these fancy awards for things are really, often times, just rich or powerful people stating what they think is the “best” and puts a false equivalency on things that can’t or shouldn’t be pit next to each other.  

So, this whole idea that Blaine is ‘winning’ because June picked him is just -- whatever, Glee.  The thing that I do like, however, is the fact that, despite Kurt being disappointed in the situation, he is still supportive of Blaine and his career.  The thing that I think is a bit contrived is Blaine’s eagerness to please everyone leads him to lie to Kurt instead of be honest about what’s going on with June.  But alas, television. 

However, as we’ve talked about earlier -- Blaine’s ultimate goal is to make everyone happy at the expense of his own happiness, so it isn’t out of nowhere that Blaine would try to please June and Kurt at the same time, in an attempt to ‘fix’ everything before someone rejects him. 

Old Dogs, New Tricks

So... this episode really isn’t about Blaine or the Klaine issues at all.  Chris was perhaps wise (and maybe mandated a little) not to even get into it.  

The thing, though, we do see is that Blaine’s spending a lot of time on his fantasy career ideas with June.  He does recognize that Kurt isn’t really happy with life, and while the Klaine issues will eventually hit the fan, that’s not what this episode is about.  It’s about Kurt trying to find his own place, and make his own happiness, when everyone around him is becoming more successful.  It’s really not Blaine’s issue -- and I’m glad Chris didn’t make it out to be.  

Instead, Blaine plays the supportive partner here, and while they do need to work more of their shit out, I’m glad they do get a softer, and more emotionally aware moment here.  

The Untitled Rachel Berry Project

So, Kurt mentions in this episode that he and Blaine have had some long conversations about their relationship.  And while I’m sure that’s true (probably a lot after Tested), I do have to wonder if Blaine wasn’t listening as well as he should have been.  I think, in order to preserve things, Blaine probably nodded along, and took more notes on how to be the world’s perfect boyfriend, while maybe not actually comprehending some of the issues Kurt laid out.  All the while, I’m guessing that Blaine didn’t express many of his wants or needs, in order to not rock the boat.  Unfortunately, all of this holding back, on both their parts, comes back to haunt them. 

The big lie comes out, that Kurt isn’t in the showcase, and this plays a lot on Kurt’s insecurities, partly about being a failed performer, and a lot about his trust issues with Blaine from the last time they broke up.  Blaine is the type of guy who tries to make everything perfect until he literally can’t anymore, and he’s left there being forced to tell the truth, even though he knows it’ll hurt himself and Kurt.  And while this, normally, would be a minor thing, because of their past history -- this self-imposed forced disappointment is what he expects.  Because he believes that sooner or later, he’s going to eventually disappoint everyone he loves, and they will eventually leave him.  

The thing is -- Blaine has a tendency to push people away, because he thinks that’s what he deserves.  But interestingly, Kurt comes back to him -- and they talk about it.  

And, I’m just gonna quote my Kurt Meta cause I don’t feel like writing it all out, but the Klaine scene here is important! 

So - yeah, let’s break this down…  Kurt’s pretty stiff when he comes to Blaine, arms crossed, looking forward out at the birds and not at Blaine.  He’s thought through is anger, but these kind of conversations are still hard for Kurt.  But then there’s Blaine – who outright says to him that the showcase doesn’t mean anything without Kurt – that /Kurt/ is more important to him than his career.  And Kurt visibly relaxes when he hears this.  Because its confirmation of something he does already know – that Blaine really does love him.  He seems to fuck it up, but he loves him.  And it’s something Kurt really did need to hear again.  

(Obviously vise versa needs to happen, too, but more on that in a second.)

So - Kurt goes on talking about birds, and builds this elaborate metaphor around them – about how taking a step out of the nest is freakin’ scary, but you can’t stay in that nest forever – at some point you have to trust that you can fly.  And even if you fall and hit the ground, you have to keep on trying.  

Well, Kurt comes to the smart conclusion that relationships are like his bird metaphor – you can’t have a relationship unless there is implicit trust there as a foundation.  And he’s learned, the hard way, that yeah, sometimes one of them is going to fuck up and they will hit the ground like a stone, but if you hold on to your faith that it’ll be all fine in the end – that you can help each other out keep that solid foundation, it’ll be okay.  Because at the end of the day, you can’t ever be 100% that someone won’t hurt you again, you can’t control anyone else but yourself (oohh and Kurt letting go of complete control is huge - HUGE).  

And yeah, yeah this little speech is nice and all but what about what’s about to happen? What about the second break up?  Do you guys remember in Dance With Somebody when Blaine says to Kurt - if you’re unhappy talk to me don’t cheat on em?  Well - this is almost the inverse of that.  Kurt says to Blaine that you don’t even know if or when someone’s going to break that trust – and this is true, because yeah, Kurt is going to fuck it up not that long after this conversation.  

But this is a resolution to the original issue back in season 4 – Kurt’s finally understanding that in order for this thing to work, he has to choose to trust Blaine.  Blaine can’t instill that in him – it’s something Kurt has to do for himself.  And for better or worse, he does choose to trust Blaine, to love Blaine, to let Blaine in implicitly.  Blaine has been desperately trying to break through Kurt’s shell since the whole cheating incident, get back into that place in Kurt’s heart.  But what Blaine doesn’t know - or realize - and what Kurt’s just figuring out himself, is that it’s not about Blaine’s ability – it’s about Kurt allowing it to happen.  

Kurt doesn’t let people into his world, past is exterior, implicitly into his heart – but on a smaller scale, this whole June ordeal kind of just puts things into perspective.  Yeah – he was mad about Blaine’s lie – but he realizes that the way Kurt was acting about it, he was going to be hurt either way.  And he can be mad and be angry, but at the end of the day, they all have choices to make, and Kurt makes the decision to still stand by Blaine through the hard stuff as well as the easy stuff.  

(But what about season 6? Well – we’ll talk about that when we get there ;))

I will say this – Kurt never breaks his promise about loving Blaine no matter what.  Even through the stupidity of the second breakup, it’s really not because he doesn’t love Blaine.  That’ll always be apart of him, and the more they go on, the more he understands his own heart will always feel that way.  

Meanwhile – Kurt actually can be (gasp) a loving and supportive partner.  Yeah, it’s hard on him to feel unwanted by June – he’s been fighting that fight since forever.  But he is proud of Blaine, wants Blaine to fly incredibly high – and much like way back when in season 3 with Tony – he’ll be there giving Blaine flowers and telling him how amazing he is.  Which is reassurance that Blaine needs, but doesn’t always get.  

(I realize that’s mostly Kurt’s POV - but it covers what’s going on with Blaine, too.)  

The thing though, while Kurt’s learning what it means to trust again, Blaine really just wants everything to be fine.  And gives in to Kurts wants and needs immediately.  The one problem, really, that’s still lingering is the fact that Blaine is still only defining himself through his relationship, and that’s not good, and is part of the reason Kurt’s going to pull away, and ultimately break up with him, the second time.  

But, we do end the season on a happy note.  Blaine, feeling the love and support from Kurt, is able to stand up to June, and is able to have a moment for himself, where he gets to express his true self, in the form of showing everyone his love for Kurt at the showcase.  We also get a moment of a small step forward when Kurt let’s Blaine have a bit of the loft -- a small space to call his own.  

Yes, ultimately it’s going to break down again, but it’s a first step.  By the end of the season, Blaine and Kurt have started to learn what being in a real, adult relationship is like, but ultimately, for Blaine, he needs to learn to be okay with himself first and foremost, and that is what Season 6 was about... 

If you’d like to continue on, here’s the Season 6 Blaine Meta! 

I know there are things I didn’t get into -- like Blaine’s relationship with Sam, but idk, I don’t think there was much to pick apart there.  

If you guys have any questions on specific things, let me know! :)