#it’s been written in the past in a way that suggests that sometimes the Hulk finds processing information in words really difficult

[daydreamerdrew]

The Incredible Hulk (1968) #246

[theladyscarlettt]

Forgotten Figures (pt. 1)

(LEGOLAS X READER but this is written specifically where anyone (even if you are not a LOTR fan) can still enjoy/ understand the work)

Pt. 1 Overview: When Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn are in search for the missing young hobbits, the hunters soon become the hunted. Overwhelmed by a pack of merciless, blood thirsty orcs, their prospects do not look promising until a figure from Legolas’ past emerges. 

*This is a multi part work, that follows the reader and Legolas’ story on repairing love, rehabilitating trust and rediscovering the beauty of life. 

*RATING: MA (mentions of death, language, suggestive themes, gore, and implied mutilation; I will always place a trigger warning on each part that involves such descriptive topics. BUT don’t worry there is some “fluff” too for all you hopeless romantics)

---

*Pt. 1 Warning: light battle gore and language 

---

Their feet could not carry them across the terrain fast enough.

“Quick now, Gimli!” Aragorn demanded, glancing back at the hobbling dwarf. 

“I’m goin’ as fast as me legs will go, damnit!” The dwarf huffed, once again quickening his pace to catch up with the man and elf. 

Up ahead, a young elf prince strode with ease across the rough rocks and soot brought from the murky sky above. As he glanced back, he saw the pack of orcs seemingly doubling in size, his mind began to race as he drew his bow. 

“We must fight,” the prince stated, coming to an abrupt halt. 

“Legolas,” Aragorn began “I admire your courage but we are far outnumbered-”

“and out of breath” Gimli wheezed, collapsing to the earth. 

Aragorn looked to his friend then back to the elf, “We must press on, there is an abandoned village just over this hill, we might seek secrecy there.” 

Legolas looked from the man to the orcs across the horizon then back to the man. “Get up, my friend” He commanded, hauling the dwarf off the earth, agitation lacing his normally, steady tone. 

A bellowing howl rang across the land as the three quickened their pace once more. Soon, the man spotted a court yard, surrounded by strong iron gates. “There!” he pointed, redirecting the focus of the group. 

“On three.” Aragorn began, “one, two, three!” the three creatures pulled back on the gates, a whining shriek filled their ears as the iron released its hold for the first time in centuries. Once inside, the three braced the gates and waited in a circle of stifled breathing. 

“Where are the bastards?” Gimli huffed, his axe resting on his shoulder. 

“Hush now,” Aragorn whispered, looking about the forgotten stone walls of the village’s court yard. The three stood in a circle for sometime, until they heard the growling language of the orcs and the howl of their beasts.

The three passed a look of awareness between each other, tightening their grip on their weapons. 

“What are they saying?” Aragorn whispered into Legolas’ ear. 

Legolas tilted his head slightly to hear the orcs beyond the gates. 

“They know we are here,” he stated flatly, “yet, they hesitate.”

Aragorn scrunched his eyebrows, “What do we do?”

“We wait.” Legolas said.

A few moments passed and nothing but the sound of grunting beasts surfaced from beyond the walls. Gimli shifted his weight, eagerly awaiting an attack, Aragorn stood still with a strong grip on his sword and Legolas perched at the foot of a statue, listening, waiting. 

A crunch echoed throughout the stone, disrupting the silence. Gimli wheeled around to face the noise, only to find stone. Aragorn’s eyes frantically scanned the tops of the walls. Suddenly a scarred head popped over the wall followed by a body. “Legol-” Aragorn began but an arrow sent the orc back flying over the wall. As if on cue, dozens of orcs began to flood over the walls and the sound of thunder echoed as the beasts tried to break down the gates. Legolas’ arrows began to fly, swiftly taking down the orcs one by one. 

“Give me a boost will ya, Laddie?” Gimli grinned at Aragorn. Aragorn rolled his eyes as he squatted down to thrust Gimli into the air. Gimli flew over to a ledge, welding his axe at the same time, decapitating the orcs that met him. 

Turning around Aragorn was met by a blade but skillfully blocked it, then kicked the orc back into another. He then spun to sweep the legs of an orc while slicing open the body of another, all in one fluid movement. A foot landed on its head as Legolas hopped across the court yard on the heads of the orcs, like a game, all the while releasing arrows into the sky. Once he reached Gimli’s side, the two took down 20 orcs in a matter of seconds. 

“Haha! That makes 14 for me!” Gimli cheered, looking slyly at Legolas.

“28!” Legolas grinned, “oh-” 

The two ducked as an orc swung a sword over their heads. Gimli went to swing up his axe but Legolas swept his legs, then fired an arrow into the orc’s chest. 

“29” Legolas announced.

“Ya cheated!” Gimli protested, his face the color of his beard. 

“You just have to be quicker, my friend.” Legolas smirked.

A cry came from across the court yard. Legolas looked for the owner of the sound, only to find Aragorn buckling at the knees, an arrow in his side.

The two leapt from the ledge and made their way to their injured friend but were met by a new wave of orcs blocking their path. Legolas looked pass the orcs, to Aragorn, who lie on the ground, moaning in pain. 

“There are too many of them!” Gimli cried, swinging his axe.

Legolas shot an arrow into the chest of two more orcs, as he reached for another arrow, his fingers were met with air. A grunt escaped his lips as he drew the daggers at his sides. He looked back in the direction of Aragorn, only his body was no longer there. His eyes frantically scanned the court yard until he saw a cloaked figure dragging Aragorn across the grass. He pushed past the orcs, only to be met by a larger orc, a breed he’s never seen before. This one darker, the scars formed symbols foreign to his teachings and hair that draped across hulking muscles. He cocked his head to the side in curiosity but was struck about the side and tossed across the court yard like a doll. Legolas moaned in pain, and reached for his missing dagger. The new orc, came into view and stepped on his arm. A sharp pain surged through Legolas’ arm, as he stabbed the orc in the calf. This move did not injury the orc but only angered it, the orc bent down and grabbed Legolas by his neck, strangling him. Legolas’ feet dangled and his eyes bulged but he could not seem to escape the orc’s grasp. 

Suddenly, a dagger came into contact with the orc’s throat. The orc froze, blood cascading down his scarred skin, his body slumped and Legolas fell to the ground, gasping for air. Above Legolas, the cloaked figure from before stood, bow drawn. Legolas tried to stand but failed and settled for rolling onto his knees. The figure moved swiftly across the court yard, in strong strokes, fast releases and skillful leaps the figure eliminated 1/3 of the orcs in minutes. 

Legolas while regaining his composure, watched the figure glide with little to no effort about the court yard. Something about these movements, which were heavily elvish influenced, seemed dreadfully familiar to him. He looked down at the fallen orc beside him. “Such strength, such accuracy,” he thought. In the throat of the orc the handle of the dagger caught what little light the sky was producing in magnificent arrays of color. He tried to catch his breathe but the air was suddenly unbreathable.

 He reached over the corpse, and pulled the dagger from its throat. He turned the forgotten relic of his past in his hands slowly, inspecting every curve and indention. His eyes began to sting with the sorrow of a thousand mourning souls. Looking up he saw the orcs retreating back over the wall and through the broken gates. Gimli jogged over the Legolas, bewildered, yet enticed by the figure. 

Legolas slowly stood to his feet as the cloaked figure, pulled the other dagger out of a fallen orc. The figure turned to face Legolas, and froze.

The court yard fell silent with the ambience of connection.

The figure began to approach the two slowly, which only gave Legolas more adrenaline. The figure then stopped a couple feet away and held out their hand. Legolas looked from the hand to the dagger, a breath he’d been holding escaped his lips as he held out the dagger. The figure reached for the dagger but Legolas, in one motion, dropped the dagger, grabbed their hand and pulled back the hood. He stiffened. 

“S Suilad, Legolas.” She said.

Link to Forgotten Figures (pt. 2)

[bookcoversalt]

A+ youtube video! I feel like this is a dumb question, but what other sources, exercises, etc would you suggest for a writer wanting to get better at, like, everything you do in that video? I feel like I'm just not intelligent when it comes to writing and reading. I slap down whatever seems fun and I'm sure it makes for a bland story full of stupid plot holes and everything you talked about, so how does one get better at dissecting this stuff and...writing/reading intelligently?

Thank you so much!! There’s a tendency to consider analytical people just “smart”, as if the observations they make come naturally to them. But that super isn’t true: being thoughtful and critical about media, like drawing or writing or playing a sport or learning an instrument, is a skill that you pick up by absorbing reference, learning the language of the art form, and then practicing replicating it through your own perspective.

ABSORBING REFERENCE

My two biggest critical inspirations are Lindsay Ellis, a video essayist who covers film and culture, and Film Crit Hulk, a screenwriter and movie critic, and I’ve been consuming their work since I was 15. (I’m 25 now! that’s a wholeass decade.) I've picked up many, may other sources along the way: other video essayists, pop culture commentators, TV critics, spirited roasts of 50 shades of gray, actual “writing craft” books and blog articles, long goodreads reviews of books I thought I had a pretty good grasp of the flaws on, funny booktube reviews, even “anti” posts. I read “how the last season of game of thrones went the fuck off the rails” articles til my eyes bled, not because I cared about game of thrones, but because there was so much good, insightful reporting being done on How And Why A Story Fell Apart.

LEARNING THE LANGUAGE

Not all of this is good or useful. There’s a lot of bad faith or shallow criticism out there. The cinemasins clickbaity style of nitpicking “plot holes” or penalizing a work for the mere presence of tropes without regard for broader artistic intent and cultural context is particularly insidious and should die. The people who think twilight is stupid because it has sparkly vampires are missing the point. A LOT of people critique YA in particular from a place of bitterness or bias or misplaced expectations (and so did I, to some degree, for a long time. I’ve worked really hard to grow out of that, I hope). But the point is to seek out content in this vein-- not what I consumed necessarily (I would not wish that many GOT thinkpieces on anyone), but stuff that interests you. The more of this you mindfully consume and the more perspectives you collect and compare, the more context you’ll have for what’s being discussed and the more you'll naturally start to form your own opinions on it. You will learn, slowly, by osmosis, to pull what strikes a chord with you from the noise.

REPLICATING IT THROUGH YOUR OWN PERSPECTIVE

The cool and fun part is that to some extent, your brain will start doing this on its own. You’ll read a book and you'll just notice more. You’ll call plot twists faster, or be more cognizant of the pacing, or connect dots you might not have otherwise connected. You’ll see the logistic scaffolding in your own work more clearly and you’ll be more aware of choices you’re making subconsciously. You’ll recognize thematic hypocrisy or worldbuilding inconsistencies and have the language to name them.

And you’ll also have the tools to explore your less clear-cut, more emotional reactions to art. And this is the most important but “hardest” part of this: sitting with vague feelings and unformed thoughts trying to suss out what’s at the heart of them and why, using your hard-won critical “training” and your contextual knowledge.

I like to frame them as questions:

Why did the end of [book] feel disjointed? Why didn’t I connect with the main character in [book]? What really resonated with me about the plot of [book]? Why does [character] appeal to me more than [other character]? Why does [book]’s use of [theme] make me uncomfortable?

Sometimes it comes down to just preference or subjective taste, and that’s fine and good to know. But more often than not, you’re reacting to something concrete that can be identified: 

The ending of HOUSE OF SALT AND SORROWS feels disjointed because it comes out of nowhere and has nothing to do with our heroine’s efforts in the larger story. I didn’t connect with the main character in HEARTLESS because within the context of the worldbuilding, her choices didn’t make sense. What really resonated with me about the plot of UPROOTED is its thematic coherency. The Darkling appeals to me more than Mal because the villain romance power fantasy aspect of the series is better fleshed out and ultimately more rewarding to read than the love story of two flawed teenagers. ACOWAR’s use of trauma and recovery makes me uncomfortable because it ceases to be a sincere element of anyone’s arc or characterization and becomes yet another tool to make Rhys look like the best and coolest and wokest fae boyfriend.

Pulled from an old Captain Awkward article, this is something I have in a sticky note on my desktop as sort of a criticism guide: 

One of the things we try to do is to push past “I liked it”/”I didn’t like it” as reactions to work. What is it? What is it trying to be? Is it good at being that thing? Was that a good thing to try to be in the first place? Did the artist have a specific agenda? How did it play with audiences at the time? Does it play the same way now? What stereotypes does it reinforce/undermine?

Even if it’s only for your own personal growth rather than intended for an audience, I recommend putting burgeoning critical thoughts or questions you’re trying to “work through” down in writing somewhere: goodreads reviews! tweets! blog posts! spamming your group chat! Even just a private word document. The synthesis of thoughts into written content forces you to identify and choose a specific articulation of your idea(s). If it’s in a pubic or semipublic forum, you’ll also be able to see which of your ideas resonate with other people, and that can (isn’t always, but CAN) be useful information as far as having an external barometer for when you’re onto something.

And then..... you do that a bunch of times in different ways for many years, with a lot of different books and movies and games and whatever else. Like any other skill, you will get better the more you do it. (Again: I have been doing this for ten years now, and it still took me three months to write that video script. Forming nuanced, informed opinions and then articulating them coherently is hard.)

As kind of a footnote tip, seek out peers who have the same goals and feelings, and try to connect with them! Lots of my current internet friends found me back when I was posting on my personal blog about problems i had with THE SELECTION or RED QUEEN and we bonded over having similar opinions and being in similar places in our writing/ reading/ careers. These people now beta read my scripts and posts and help me brainstorm or refine ideas. I strongly believe that creatives (and critics) do their best work and grow the most within a network of support and feedback.

But also, in regards to creative writing in particular, i want to be clear that having fun is the most important thing. I absolutely think creators need analytical skills to improve their craft, but without the enjoyment of doing the thing at the core of it, there is no craft at all. If you have to choose between the "smart” thing and the fun thing, choose the fun thing. Tbh, if you’re worried your work is bland, analysis probably isn’t the solution--  figuring out how to have more fun is the solution. And letting yourself lean into the stuff that’s wild and awesome and so incredibly you that it sets you on fire to write is a skill of its own :)

[vmheadquarters]

We’re still playing our game of written hot potato! Dozens of your favorite authors are taking turns to tell a Veronica Mars mystery story. Each writer crafts their chapter and then “tosses” the story to the next person to continue the tale. No one knows what will happen, so expect the unexpected!

Follow the “vmhq presents” and “murder we wrote” tags for all the installments, or read the story as it develops on AO3. --Chapter Twenty of MURDER, WE WROTE is written by @beezlebobble​​. And stayed tuned next week for Ch.21 from @DRiver2u - tag, you’re it!

—————————————————————————————————— CHAPTER TWENTY by @beezlebobble​ a/k/a orionseyes

“Wallace!” Veronica exclaimed as she hobbled as quickly as possible, clutching Logan’s arm. Logan dropped her hand as he raced over to the staircase to bend down and check Wallace’s pulse. As Veronica finally neared, he helped her clumsily and painfully crouch down to check on any other injuries Wallace might have. The rest of the group huddled around a very still Wallace.

“He’s alive! But we’ll have to wait to find out if he’s broken anything. I don’t see signs of broken bones, but he must have hit his head and back pretty hard coming down that slide.”

“Looks like a wild ride. Wallace was Slip, Sliding, Away…Slip, Sliding, Away…” Dick crooned as Veronica reached out and smacked his nearest limb hard, which happened to be his leg.

And slide it was. What had been previously a normal, albeit ornately fussy, wood-paneled staircase, was now a long, slick, wooden slide. The steps had collapsed like a funhouse trick and Wallace had been taken completely by surprise.

“Dick, how can you?! Someone’s trying to kill us! And I might be next. They know I’m wearing my Louboutins and I can’t outrun them or walk in the snow! Anyway, they would get totally ruined. Oh God, I almost went upstairs to get something out of my bag, that could have been me! Walter’s unconscious, but I might have been killed!” Gia wailed as she turned and cast herself dramatically into a nearby Luke’s arms. He patted her back ineffectually while Susan and Carrie simultaneously rolled their eyes. They caught each other and started to giggle. Alexis sighed and clutched arms around her middle as she looked down on Wallace’s still form. Duncan and Cole hovered behind Susan and Carrie with concerned looks on their faces.

“For the last time you idiots, his name is Wallace! Veronica shouted. She glanced around the room and rubbed her chin, “This seemingly-luxurious mansion appears to have a ridiculous number of secret rooms and hidden mechanisms, like it was built for the stage or as a movie set. I think we need to figure out what exactly this house is, who owns it, and see if anyone can recall its history.” Veronica had that steely, intent investigator’s look in her eye that made Logan equal parts impressed and aroused. He reached out and pushed a wild lock of hair that had escaped from her ponytail behind her ear.

“Baby, this is why I love you. There isn’t a challenge you won’t face.” He stood up briskly and brushed his hands on his jeans. He then reached out a warm hand to help her rise to her shaky feet.

She gladly took it. It was a solid comfort and she realized that she looked forward to Logan actually being her partner in the future. “At some point, sweetheart, you’re going to have to find me something I can use as a cane. I’m not built for resting. Us Mars’ are hardy, peasant stock, not made for swanning on some low-slung couch like Gloria Swanson. Girls like me gotta give birth in the cornfields and get back to milking the cattle, you know.”

Logan grinned and bent down to sweep her off her feet. “Honey, you need to sit still for at least fifteen minutes while we gather our collective wits and sort this out. Let Daddy Logan make you nice and comfortable.” He carried her carefully back to the living area and deposited her on the plush, heavily upholstered sofa which had been moved aside for the mattresses.

“Hey Casey, you and Dick grab Wallace and move him out here. Lay him out on the mattress by the dining table and we’ll get to business,��� Logan directed as he grabbed a blanket to lay over Veronica’s lap. “Wait here a second.” He got up and left the room. A minute later he returned hoisting a leather tufted ottoman that had been in the library.

“In case you want to move around and keep that foot elevated.” Veronica cupped his face and gave him a quick, tender kiss. She’d missed how much he was always taking care of her.

“OK, everyone, gather round! Mother Goose has some stories for you kiddies. First, let’s figure out this house situation. Has anyone heard of this house, been at this house, or known anyone else who has? You’re all Richie Riches, surely, some of you must have visited or heard something.”

“I have never heard of this place, and please don’t call me Shirley,” Dick piped up. Logan reached over and slapped him on the side of his head. “Ow, man, why did you smack me so hard?”

“Shut up and quit fooling around, Dick. There’s at least one dead man and multiple attempts on other people’s lives and you have to keep acting like a fucking donkey.”

Dick grumbled and plopped himself down on one of the mattresses. Everyone else had seated themselves around in a circle.

“My dad used to sail out this way sometimes, but I don’t think he landed on the island or knew the owners. I think I remember something about it being a hotel or inn?” Casey suggested.

“No, I don’t think it was a hotel. There are no exit signs, or a front desk, or a lobby. It doesn’t have that institutional, sterile feel.  It feels like someone’s not-so-welcoming home,” Carrie stated. “I’m not sure if I could live here, but it looks like someone did. This island is not exactly inviting.”

“I think you’re right, but I guess it was long shot to think that any of us Southern Californians would have an idea about this place. If only we could boot up Mac’s computer or someone’s phone and try to find more info about this place.” Veronica mulled this over while she stroked the arm of the couch as she leaned back.

“If it helps, I was told that this place had been used for murder mysteries for a really long time. Like, maybe decades? That should help narrow down any search,” Mac offered.

“Did Jen know anything?” Veronica asked her.

“Maybe.” Mac shrugged. “She seemed like she had been doing this for a while, and that the house itself served that purpose for a lot of groups.”

“OK. First, we have to find Jen. For information and probably for her own safety. She might be in cahoots with the killer, or he might have already gotten to her. Regardless, she has info that we need. Second, we are partnering up if we need to leave this room, but otherwise staying put. I don’t think any of you are in cahoots with the killer, mainly because some of you are just not that clever.  So that means, everyone keeps an eye on each other. We are all going to leave this island alive. Even Dick.” Dick glanced over and pointed both his pointer fingers at himself as if to say, who, me?

“We know that our suspect is a large male. He managed to drag Leo’s body in the snow to the stable. He tossed me off the balcony like a ragdoll. But it’s entirely possible that he’s just the muscle because the mastermind behind this must be our hostess!” Everyone in the circle nodded in agreement and Alexis shivered.

“The other thing we are going to do is figure out how many hidden rooms, cubbies, compartments are in this place. That means going room by room, tapping walls and pushing unusual looking panels, knots in the wood, carvings, knobs, handles, sconces, books in bookcases, and lifting statue-like things. You’ve all seen it in the movies, so use some of those as guides. I have a feeling our mastermind can’t resist watching us and is hiding somewhere in the recesses of this large, weird house.”

Logan leaned over and threw his arms around her. “My girlfriend is so smart and sexy. You all listen up.  There’s no way we’re getting out without Veronica’s help.”

“Your girlfriend, huh?”

“Yup.” Logan popped his mouth to say. “The smartest, sexiest, peskiest girlfriend a lucky goofball like me could have.” He hugged her to him and kissed her firmly on her head.

“Unnnhhhh.” Everyone turned sharply around as Wallace moaned. He groaned again as he slowly sat up while clutching his head. “Oww, my head. Did the Hulk club me or something?”

Logan rushed over as Veronica looked gratefully at him. They truly were going to be a team and it made her heart almost burst to see him showing care for one of the most important people in her life.

“Now, Wallace, you need to be careful.  I think you bumped your noggin pretty hard as you came sliding down.”

“Ugh, now I remember! I took the first step and the stairs just disappeared, and that was it.”

“OK, Wallace, you need to lay back down, you might have a concussion.” Logan tenderly helped Wallace lay prone as he gazed up at Logan with a bemused expression.

“Look at you, helping me. Veronica would be so proud.” He sighed and laid back as Logan covered him a soft, camel-colored throw.

“I am proud.” Veronica called out with a huge smile on her face, showing all the affection she felt for him. Logan turned towards her and grinned back. It felt so good to be in tune with each other. They were going to grow together and face whatever the fates would bring.

“I can’t stand it anymore!” Dick cried as he rushed past Casey and pushed him into Cole, who raced after him. He grabbed both handrails and yanked himself to the top of the landing. There was a cry from the next room.

“Yee-haw!” There were some squeaks and then a low rumble as Dick rolled from the base of the stairs into the living area and rose with a flourish. “Ta-da!”  Casey took one look at him and took off for the stairs. The next few minutes were chock-full of sound of a flurry of idiots and donkeys racing up the slope that remained of the stairs and hurling themselves down.

“I’m hungry.” Gia whined. “I don’t want pop-tarts for dinner. I’ll just die if I don’t eat anything. My doctor says I’m anemic and should forage at least every two hours. I wonder if there’s anything paleo in this god-forsaken dump?”

“Right, we’re all hungry, but the food is being guarded by Madison's corpse. Do you really want to eat that?” Logan asked, looking around at the glum faces.

Dick chimed in. “I don’t care; if no one else does, we should go for it. Logan cooks a mean pasta. I mean, my doctor says I’m a growing boy and I gotta forage every hour.”

“But pasta is carbs!” Gia complained.

“Gia, god help me, just shut up for once. I think pasta is a safe bet and there’s probably enough down there to feed all of us.” Logan got up and pointed at Cole and Duncan. “You and you are coming with me. I’ll go into the pantry, grab supplies, and pass them to you. We all have to keep up our strength for what lies ahead.”

The three of them headed down to the basement as Veronica leaned back and sighed. This was not going to be easy. Her injury was going to make everything so much harder and really put her at a disadvantage against her two or possibly more hidden foes.

In her hideout, Della watched the screen closely and focused on Veronica. She did not trust that girl. She was always kind of skeevy. Look at the way she ordered Logan around. And he was literally waiting on her hand and foot. It really was disgusting. She would never make Logan do that. She would worship him, and cuddle him, and stroke his hair, and then make delicious pasta meals for him. Pasta, wait? That gave her an idea. She couldn’t do anything to what they were currently going to eat, but she could sneak down there after and prime some of their future meals. Hmm. This was going to be lots of fun. She had the perfect stuff to spike their food.  She walked over to the small desk in the room and pulled on its only drawer. Inside was a bottle of just what the doctor ordered.

[themyskira]

So....have you read the latest Avengers #20, about the current version of She Hulk? How do you feel about that?

I’ve made a point of avoiding Jason Aaron’s Avengers because I truly can’t stand what he’s done to Jen. He took a character who, for all her more recent traumas, for all she can struggle to balance her legal career with her the pitfalls of being a publicly known superhero, loves who she is and embraces being green wholeheartedly -- he took Shulkie and turned her into Lady Bruce Banner, retiring lawyer whose inner ragemonster is just waiting to break loose. It’s some deep-seated bullshit and I’ve been trying my best to simply wait for it all to pass over.

But it was hard to ignore Avengers #20, because this was the issue where Jason Aaron went right off the fucking rails. I mean, he really went full Aaron Sorkin on his readers, and that isn’t a compliment.

Classic She-Hulk: Charming. Witty. Sensational. The Jolly Jade Giantess. The sassiest super-lawyer in all of Brooklyn. More laughs than a barrel of Deadpools. Fun. For years, that’s how the world described my client.  Until the accused came here and flushed all that global adoration down the gamma-irradiated toilet.Jason Aaron She-Hulk: Rrrgh. Objection. Some still like--Judge Jen: Overruled!Classic She-Hulk: The accused would like you to believe she’s not at fault for what happened to my client. That these changes in her personality are the unfortunate side-effect of her new powers, which were awakened inside her by some meddling space giants... and that since that happened she's been doing her best to regain control of herself. To do right by my client and give the world back the gorgeous, green, fun-loving bombshell they know and love. But that’s a complete lie, isn’t it? ... Ladies of the jury, I ask you... is this the face we want to present to the world? After everything we’ve worked to accomplish over the years, is this the sort of muscle-bound downer of a Hulk we want to be?

This sequence takes place in the context of a mental simulation being used by Jen in an effort to build her control over her powers, but in truth it’s just three long and excruciating pages of Aaron taking petty swipes at fans who are unhappy with his portrayal of She-Hulk. Through this exchange, he deliberately frames criticisms of his She-Hulk as shallow, over-the-top and sexist, suggesting that those of us who dislike his barely-recognisable ‘roidmonster Jen simply don’t understand good writing and that we just want a fun sexy green bombshell to wank over.

(Also implicit in this, and indeed throughout the comic, is the view that classic She-Hulk is less meaningful as a character because her comics are frequently humour-oriented. ‘Funny’ is situated in contrast to ‘deep’, ignoring the fact that Jen’s best writers have found room for both, and that Aaron’s She-Hulk fails to be either.)

And that sets the tone for the whole issue. From that point on, the entire comic is just Aaron transparently editorialising that no, you guys just don’t get it, my She-Hulk is better and deeper and more feminist than your She-Hulk.

“I was an omega-level threat in the charm department. I was the Hulk you’d want to have a glass of pinot with. And the craziest part was, my powers, for the most part... made me happy. An incredibly rare occurrence in my line of work. I actually enjoyed being a hero. I loved being the fun Hulk. I loved it a whole helluva lot. So how come I don’t miss it?

“There’s a war on. And the trolls have taken Australia. I’m part of the team that’s taking it back. These trolls come from a faraway realm, but I know their kind. They would’ve laughed at the old me. Made crass jokes even as I was taking them down. This time, nobody’s laughing. And I love it with my all big, green, glowing heart.”

The frustrating thing is, he’s right on the cusp of something genuinely interesting here.

Men who speak angrily and aggressively are apt to be seen as tough, forceful and strong-willed; women who do the same are more often viewed as shrill, nagging, hysterical, bitchy. Many women consciously or unconsciously learn to mask their anger, make ourselves smaller and less threatening. Asserting yourself can be the difference between being seen as the ‘fun girl’ and the humourless bitch.

And the sexual harassment he references -- the sexist jokes, the propositioning, the devaluing of women’s capabilities -- not only are these things that many women, from the most disadvantaged to the most powerful, face to different degrees, they’re relevant on a meta level to the portrayal of women in comics.

All of these themes would be ripe for exploration in the context of classic She-Hulk. Jen is a fun-loving character whose life isn’t governed by rage and the need to control it the way other Hulks are, but that doesn’t mean she can always afford to lose her temper -- as both a woman working in a profession rife with sexism and ‘old boys club’ attitudes, and as a female superhero in the public eye, “you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry” takes on a whole different meaning.

Conversely, we might also think about Jen’s privilege in this regard -- that by virtue of her public profile and influence and general ability to grind men into a pulp without breaking a sweat, she doesn’t face the same level of discrimination as other women. That other women (particularly women of colour and LGBTQI women) don’t have the same freedom to express their anger as she does, not without consequences. And that -- as both the superhero She-Hulk and as the high-profile lawyer Jennifer Walters -- she is in a position to help other women to be heard and ensure that their anger is answered with change.

As for historical sexism in comics, there’s no better antidote to the male gaze than hiring more women and nonbinary people.

None of that seems to interest Jason Aaron. Rather, in defence of his roided-out Girl Bruce, he seems to be saying... what? ‘I have fixed sexism by making Jen so buff that men are too scared to undervalue or sexually harass her’?

(Which, by the way, they still do anyway.)

Next, we get this exchange:

Deadpool: Why’d you stop being funny? I mean, you were really good at it. You were like... me before me.She-Hulk: Rrgh. Rather be free.Deadpool: How’s that?She-Hulk: Free to be ugly.Deadpool: Um, wait, can’t you be both?

So, the implication is that before now, Jen wasn’t “free” to be her whole self -- that she had to be the fun, funny girl to avoid being seen as too angry and threatening.

And aside from the fact that, as I said, I think there are many more nuanced ways to explore this without negating Jen’s characterisation -- this is just lazy goddamn writing. It’s not an idea Aaron has explored up till now, nor is it reflective of the ways in which Jen has been portrayed in the past. It’s just a messy retcon jammed into the story to justify the ‘superiority’ of Aaron’s version of the character. Once again, the writer is speaking through the characters.

We also see Aaron once again implying that being “ugly” -- by which he means physically imposing, buff, not resembling a typical comic book pinup girl -- ‘frees’ Jen from the constraints of sexism, which is full-blown outrageous.

You think that men only sexually harass women they deem attractive? Really? You think that sexism stops at catcalls and underestimation? You think that Jen, a female superhero in the public eye, isn’t going to be subjected to ugly sexist slurs no matter what she looks like? That is as insulting as it is naive.

Later, Aarons-via-Jen engages in some meta-criticism of the fact that She-Hulk has traditionally been portrayed not as a huge, buff ragemonster but as a sexy bodybuilder (and retconning in a shit-ton of sexual harassment while he’s at it, because remember, sexism only affects women society deems conventionally attractive).

“Cousin Bruce said something once, a few years back... about how envious he was of me. How easy he figured I had it. When he hulked out, he became a giant, deformed monster who couldn’t even wear normal clothes. While there I was looking like a bodybuilder who’d just been spray-painted green. I could wear suits, walk down the street without people running and screaming. Teenage boys hung posters of me on their walls. Must be nice, Bruce said to me, to be that kind Hulk.

“I’d never wanted to punch my cousin so bad. And that’s saying something. I told him about the parts of being me that he was oblivious to. About all the times I’d been hit on during team-ups. The bad guys who’d cop a feel when we were fighting.  The sleaze ball who published photos of me topless when I was in the Fantastic freaking Four. (I’d really rather you didn’t Google that.) No paparazzi ever followed Bruce around taking photos of his butt while he was fighting the Leader. I told him... looking like a big scary monster didn’t seem so bad to be sometimes.”

And here we really get to the thesis underlying Aaron’s argument, the reason he feels She-Hulk needed a complete overhaul.

Like most superheroines, She-Hulk was shaped by the male gaze. It’s fair to say that played a lot into her original character design as a green Amazonian bombshell, whose appearance and comparative level-headedness stood in stark contrast to the huge, monstrous, rage-driven Hulk whose powers she inherited. Heroines in cape comics are supposed to be ‘fun’ and ‘sexy’ (as judged by the men they were typically being written by and for). Jen’s body has frequently been the subject of titillation and her promiscuity has frequently been the subject of crude humour.

Aaron seems to view this as the flaw at the heart of the character, and it’s something he’s set out to correct -- by making her the gigantic, buff, scary, angry Hulk she was never allowed to be at the outset. Sexism thwarted! Strong Female Character accomplished! Give yourself a pat on the back, Jason.

Except, here’s the thing.

It’s true that Jen has often been depicted through the lens of a male sex fantasy. 

It’s also true that many readers have embraced her as a female power fantasy.

As the super-buff, super-strong, seven-foot-tall She-Hulk, Jen doesn’t feel the need to bite her tongue or moderate her opinions or diminish herself out of concern for how others might respond. She doesn’t have to hide her confidence or her sexuality. Through her transformation, Jen gains the freedom to embrace all that she’s been repressing -- the brilliant, witty, brash, assertive, body-confident parts of herself she’s always kept hidden from the world.

In looking at Jen selectively through the lens of sexualised artwork, instances of bad writing and a frankly snobbish undervaluing of humour comics, Aaron zooms right past everything that makes her such an appealing and empowering character to so many readers.

Which brings me right back to Deadpool’s comment earlier in the issue: Can’t you be both?

If your complaint is that Jen is portrayed in a male-gazey, overly sexualised manner that de-emphasises her strength and physical power, hire an artist who will draw her as the buff, badass giantess that she is.

She-Hulk doesn’t need a gamma power-up or a brutish alter ego to be formidable, she’s She-Hulk ffs. And stripping Jen of all her femininity in the process of turning her into a ‘roided-out tank raises some dodgy gendered assumptions in itself.

(For me, Peak Jen is a giant buff green woman in a bright pink designer suit. Not only can she be both, she already was.)

And hey, just gonna throw this one out there again, if your complaint is that since her creation Jen has been predominantly written and drawn from male perspectives for a male audience, resulting in some sexist and oversexualised portrayals, how about you hire some goddamn women and nonbinary people to write and draw her?

This is not the Great Feminist Reimagining of She-Hulk that you think it is, Jason Aaron. This is a slightly more pretentious rehash of that time David Goyer dismissed the character as a “giant green porn star”. You’re trying to ‘fix’ Jen by negating everything that she was previously, which is quite simply bad writing.

And when you find yourself dedicating a full issue of a comic book to calling your readers stupid for not liking your treatment of a character, that feels like a pretty sure sign that you’ve fucked up.

[parkersharthook]

All My Sides Ch. 3

(Peter Parker x female!reader)

warnings: tension, stupid decisions, kidnapping

3.5k+ words

Ch 2

“Spider-man… I have something you want.”

Peter’s blood ran cold as the video panned over to Y/n who continued to hold her head high despite the fear in her eyes. She had a bruise forming around her right eye and blood spotted on her bottom lip. Her wrists were bound behind her back and her feet were tied to the chair she was currently sitting in. There was a gag in her mouth. Peter sprung to his feet, running to get his suit on immediately.

“Spider-man… this is a live video that is playing on every news station and screen available. Every billboard in Times Square, every phone in civilians’ hands, every radio and TV station… they will see your beloved Y/n Y/l/n die if you don’t listen to every instruction I give.” Peter watched on the TV in his room as Dr. Connors appeared with a sinister grin. “Meet me in Time Square in thirty minutes or…” he glanced back to Y/n, “well you can guess.”

“Mr. Parker, Sir is calling you.”

“Decline.” Peter’s voice came out rough and gritted as he pulled on his civilian clothes over his Spiderman suit and shoved his mask into his backpack. He slung it over his shoulder and sprinted down the steps of the tall tower, and continued running the short distance to Times Square. He saw the hordes of people stopped and staring at the billboards and then to the sky as numerous avengers began to appear in the sky overhead. Peter pulled up his hood and dropped his head. He knew what Dr. Connors was looking for, and if he let Y/n get hurt due to his stupidity… he would never let himself live it down.

The mad scientist came back onto the screen, “I’m glad you followed my orders Spider-man. But I see you didn’t show up as you… I’m proud. You remembered our little game. Citizens of New York!” His voice bellowed out of every speaker nearby, “We’ve been missing a certain web slinger for the past week. No one knew why, until now. Our friendly neighborhood Spiderman,” he spat out every word, “has lost his powers.” Gasps rippled through the crowd.

He continued, “He is just an ordinary boy. But this is no ordinary girl, you see. This is Y/n y/l/n. Not only is she the daughter of former police captain but she has a special relationship with Spidey. And if he doesn’t cooperate then at 6:30 pm her body will be dropped from the bell tower of St. Margaret’s church. You know the one.” Y/n’s eyes filled with terror and her body tensed against its restraints. “So… Spidey. You know where to meet me. It’s where we first met. Just you and me. You have twenty minutes.”

Peter could still see the avengers with the ability of flight soaring through the sky scanning the people below them. They were looking for him, trying to stop him from doing something stupid. He noticed Sam tuck his wings and turn tightly around, heading towards the large church in search of Y/n. Peter shook his head and fell into the crowd of people. He knew that Y/n wouldn’t be there. He quickened his steps as he walked towards what might be the place of his demise. He had shit to do.

~.~

“Can anyone see him?” Tony barked out from his spot above the pointing crowd

“Nothing.” Bucky muttered as he pushed through the crowd.

“He should be here!” Steve growled out into the comms.

“That guy said that this was a game.” Wanda stated, looking down back alleys for him. “They’ve done this before.”

“So Peter’s not here?”

“He said that Spiderman showed up but not as ‘him’.” Natasha muttered and then it clicked, “he’s not out as Spiderman.”

“Fuck.” Steve muttered, “We’re never going to find him.” He turned his head towards the sky as Sam began to fly back in, “Sam?”

“She’s not there. Nobody is.”

“It’s a game guys.” Wanda repeated, heading towards the rendezvous point. “Nothing is going to be straight forward. Stark, don’t you have some kind of tracking on his suit?”

“If he even has the suit…” Tony muttered, “But it’s only activated when he has the mask on.”

“Well we know he’s going to confront this guy either way. We’re just gonna have to wait.” Sam suggested.

“Not gonna happen.” Bucky growled out.

“Bucky’s right.” Clint said, “let’s find out everything we can about this guy.”

“We can’t waste time going back and forth between the tower and here.” Natasha met Bucky’s eyes from across the crowd and nodded slightly. “Meet me and Bucky on the corner of Broadway and 7th. I have a plan.”

~.~

“Seriously guys?” Tony said with a raised eyebrow as he stepped through the doorway into the small apartment. Natasha rolled her eyes and walked to a small linen closet.

“We don’t tell you everything Stark.”

Tony sat down in an office chair and spun around slowly, “but maybe you should.”

Wanda picked up a throw pillow with a small smirk, “it’s cute.”

Bucky fought back a groan, “don’t make us regret this.”

Clint folded his arms and leaned against the wall, “so what’s the point of this. Why are we here?”

Natasha pulled out 2 large metal briefcases from the closet and set them on the dining room table, “It’s close to times square and St. Margaret. We can use this as a base until we know for sure what is happening. It saves time and energy.”

“We have more resources at the tower.” Tony drawled out in a complain

Steve rolled his eyes, “Natasha has everything we need right here, and I know you have your mobile computer with you. You take it everywhere.”

Tony grumbled under his breath but still pulled out a rectangular device. He flicked it in the open space causing blue holographic projections of the news to appear. Wanda and Clint took a step closer to examine each broadcast and headline. Anything that could give them a clue.

They all worked in silence for a while, trying to solve the mystery when Tony spoke up, “A secret apartment? Really?” Everyone groaned in annoyance, “next thing we know, you’ll be telling us that you two are married.”

Natasha walked by him with a stack of reports. She sent him a devious wink, “maybe we are.” She sat down at the table with the folders and opened them up one by one.

Steve, who had been looking over her shoulder, stopped her movements. “Check out this one.”

“But you guys aren’t… right?” Tony turned to Bucky who was concentrating on the profile of Dr. Connors, “married, I mean.” Bucky glanced up at the older man but offered no answer as he just got back to work.

“What’s important about this one?”

“Look at these.” He spread out the photos of a fight that Spiderman had been in a few years ago.

“What about them?” Wanda asked as she came up to the table. “It’s just Peter fighting a big lizard.”

“Right but look at this one.” Steve repositioned a grainy photo of Peter fighting a large lizard who had a shredded lab coat on his back.

Clint picked up the photo and looked at it closer, “I remember this. It was something with Oscorp before they went out of business. SHIELD try to uncover the details, but everything was pretty much burned to the ground.”

“Gross… Oscorp.” Tony said with an exaggerated gag

“Do you remember anything else about it?” Steve asked Clint. Behind them Bucky’s eyes had widened as he read a particular file sheet.

Clint scratched his head like the old man he was. “I think that this lizard guy was some guy who experimented on himself. Went completely wrong, as they always do. But after the battle with Spiderman he didn’t show up for a while. We assumed he died.”

“Guys…”

“Why hasn’t anyone asked Peter about this?” Wanda asked

“It never came up, I guess.” Natasha supplied

“Guys…”

“Well after all of this is over we need to get more details on this.”

“Agreed.”

“Guys!” everyone turned to Bucky who had grown paler. “The lizard is Dr. Connors.”

“What?”

“Look here.” Bucky showed them all the written report on the scientist, “He was a scientist at Oscorp for years and then he suddenly went off the grid after that incident. He lost an arm from an accident and his main topic of research was regeneration of tissue.”

It clicked for Tony, “he tried to regrow his arm and turned himself into a lizard.”

Wanda furrowed her brows, “please connect the dots.”

Tony swiveled to face her, “lizards have a regenerative property. Dr. Connors probably studied them and mixed their genetic makeup with something else producing a mix of the super soldier, hulk, and Spiderman serum. He injected it into himself and it went wrong.”

“Meaning that he turned into a big ass lizard?” Steve asked, obviously still not convinced.

“Think about it. This doctor guy suddenly disappears after this incident with a large lizard which is the animal he happened to experiment on. Then he suddenly comes back looking for revenge on Spiderman?” Bucky said, “It’s obviously him.”

“Okay but how would he know Peter’s identity? Or his connection to Y/n?”

Wanda smacked her forehead, “Y/n had an internship with Oscorp back in Highschool. She literally worked next to the guy.”

“Okay but Peter and she weren’t dating back then.”

“But they were still friends.” Wanda supplied, “she told me that her and Peter would sometimes meet up for lunch during her break and talk about all this sciencey stuff. Dr. Connors even approached Peter about him working there full time.”

“But he decline because he had an ‘internship’ with Tony Stark.” Natasha supplied. Wanda nodded at her.

“Okay but how does he know that Peter is Spiderman?”

“Ladies and gentlemen! The main act has arrived!” The TV which had not been previously on, switched to life with the live broadcast.

Clint frowned deeply as he stared at the television, “oh shit here we go.”

~.~

Peter froze as the broadcast came over his phone.

“Hello there Spiderman! Still dressed as a civilian I see… good boy.” Dr. Connors’s voice was chilling. He continued on, “I’m proud of you for going where I wanted you to, but you aren’t finished yet.”

“Leave her alone!” Peter’s voice came out rough and hoarse.

“Tsk tsk tsk. Not so impatient young man. But congratulations are in order as you have solved my previous riddle. But alas neither I nor this fair maiden is there.” Peter moved to turn around and walk right back out of the sewer, but Dr. Connors’s voice stopped him. “Awww, don’t leave yet Spidey. In fact, I don’t think you can.” He laugh maniacally, “I have a camera on you right now. You turn around… you reveal who you are.”

Everyone tensed. Everyone in that apartment full of superheroes, everyone on the streets of New York, everyone who had a radio in their car, everyone who was hearing this tightened their muscles.

Natasha, though nervous for the boy, still had her mind in spy mode and took notice that Peter seemed to be in an abandoned subway tunnel.

“He has his backpack.” Wanda whispered, “That means he has his suit.” At least that was some good news.

“But Spiderman you seemed to overlook a few key details. Yes… it is true. I wanted you to end up where you are, but that isn’t where we first met. Think hard, Spidey. You can do it… you’re a smart boy.”

“Why don’t you just reveal my identity now? Why do this? What’s your end game?” Peter called, his back still turned to the camera

“What’s all the fun with that?” he cackled loudly. “You have 30 minutes to get where you need to be. And please… do show up as Spiderman. It’ll just make it that much more dramatic.” The screens went blank and it took a few moments for the shock to wear off.

Peter got moving immediately. He knew exactly where he had to go.

~.~

“Where is he going?” Tony asked in frustration as he slammed down some paper on the table

Steve pressed a finger to his ear, “Sam? Status?”

“Empty.” The voice came back static, but everyone still heard the message. They deflated.

“If he isn’t at the Oscorp building and he isn’t at his apartment, then where could that fucking mad man be?”

Natasha sat in silence, fingers pressed together as she thought over everything. She turned to Bucky who was in a similar position as her, “where did Y/n intern?”

“Oscorp Industries.” Bucky replied stoically.

“Yeah I know that. But where? Which location.”

“What do you mean which location?” Natasha rolled her eyes at her sometimes clueless boyfriend and pulled some papers closer to her. She checked them over once, twice, and then a third time again. Something wasn’t adding up. Click.

She opened her laptop quickly and typed out a quick google search. She let a small smile slip over her lips. “Boy oh boy, are you guys lucky to have me on the team.”

“What do you mean? What did you find?”

Natasha turned her laptop around as everyone crowded around, “The location listed under Y/n’s place of work is the Oscorp in Midtown. But if you go through the records of their listed employees she isn’t listed there.”

“An unpaid intern?” Wanda asked. Natasha shook her head and pulled Dr. Connors’s file closer.

“Look at his. Place of work, same building Red Division.” She pointed to something on her screen, “This Oscorp building was very open to the public. It had tours and interns and schematics online, but as we know Oscorp was into some very shady stuff.”

“They had a secret division with a secret building.” Tony said as he smacked his forehead, “how could we be so stupid?”

“But we would have found out about that when Oscorp fell.” Clint pointed out.

“Not if it was listed under a different name. That Oscorp building was organized into 3 colors or access levels: blue, green, purple. And if Y/n was as high up as she is labeled as, she would be in blue. There is no red.”

“Then where did Connors work?” Wanda asked, studying the file and still not making sense of anything.

“Here.” She typed out a quick search and spun the screen back around towards her teammates.

“Location not found?” Clint gave her a look

“Exactly. It doesn’t exist… anymore.”

“Wait… that address. That seems familiar.”

Bucky looked at the paper, “that’s because it was the Red Line Grocery Market back when we were kids. We worked there for two summers.” he looked up at Natasha, “but the address would still exist.”

“Not if they redid the gridlines in that neighborhood. That grocery store is still in business, bought by one Norman Osborn almost 2 decades ago. They moved locations once the gridlines were redone to a new and upcoming neighborhood… in Queens.”

“How did you even find that out?” Wanda asked somewhat amazed.

Natasha shrugged, “googled red division with Oscorp. The article that the Red Line Market was under new ownership came up. Researched the given address, linked it to its old address and the gridline renewal. Found its current location.”

“So, that’s where he’s hiding Y/n? In a grocery store?’

“Not exactly. A block from that store is a supply warehouse where they keep their inventory. I bet you, that’s where we find them.”

Bucky slowly shook his head, “I don’t doubt that this is all a connection but how on earth would Peter have his first meeting with Connors at this warehouse that no one affiliates with Oscorp?”

“I’m honestly not sure, but we’re gonna find out.”

~.~

Peter took a deep breath and walked through the warehouse doors. He didn’t even remember this place for the longest time, but as he took in his surroundings the memory came flooding back.

“Hey Peter!” Y/n called as she walked down the sidewalk with a new-found energy. Peter spun around, his bag of groceries hanging from his fingers. He smiled widely.

“Hey Y/n! What are you doing down here?”

“My boss sent me to pick up some supplies from the warehouse around the corner. I’m meeting another scientist there.”

Peter chuckled slowly as they fell into a steady rhythm, “no offense but that sounds kind of shady.”

Y/n laughed and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, “I thought so too honestly but a ton of the other interns have been here before and have met this Doctor, so I think everything will be okay.”

“Do you want me to walk you?” Peter suggested lightly, “Just in case?”

Y/n bit her lip and looked up at Peter through her eyelashes, “I’d like that.”

Peter pulled the mask over his face and threw his backpack behind some random shelf. He didn’t really care if he lost this one. “Spiderman!” The loud booming voice came through a set of speakers on the wall. Peter shivered, knowing that the man behind the voice was much closer.

“Welcome everybody! To the final act! This next performance will truly test your precious Spidey’s heroics… if he really is the hero you believe him to be.”

“Let her go!”

“Sorry Spidey… no can do.” his words came out slow and taunting. Peter wanted to punch him in the face. “do you remember?”

“remember what?”

“the first time we met. You stood in front of me, shook my hand, smiled, worked beside me.”

Peter shook his head and frowned, “I wish I never met you.”

“hey now. Don’t say anything that you’ll regret.” He stepped out of the shadows, crazed look in his eye. He cocked his head to the side and smirked, “words hurt you know.”

“Where is Y/n?”

He clicked his tongue, “oh don’t worry… I’ve been taking very good care of her.”

~.~

“Guys! Guys!” Wanda yelled loudly pulling everyone out of their heads. “he’s back on.”

Bucky leaned against the back of the couch as he stared at the TV, “well Nat he looks like he’s in a warehouse.”

“And you’re surprised because?” She smirked as she loaded a gun and slipped it into her thigh holster. “Now what are you waiting for? Let’s go get our boy.”

~.~

Connors pointed his finger at Peter and stepped towards a large door, “follow me Spiderman, I’ll take you to her.” Peter took a hesitant step forward as Connors whirled around to face him again, “oh by the way you’re still being broadcasted. Say hello to New York!” He waved his hand excitedly into the air.

“Dr. Connors, you’re sick. You’re not stable.” Peter said calmly and slowly

Connors’s eye twitched and he shook slightly, “I’m fine! But your girl won’t be if you continue like this.” he breath heavily, “now… follow me.”

“Dr. Connors, you know me. You know Y/n. You don’t want to hurt us, and I don’t want to hurt you.” He raised his hands steadying them. His web shooters pointed directly at the man.

He cackled maniacally, “You think that I know you can’t handle your web shooters? You have no powers! You are nothing right now! Oh silly silly boy.” He pulled a small button out of her pocket and hovered his thumb over it dangerously close. “I press this, and she’s gone.”

“What?” Peter’s voice cracked slightly

“There is a gun.” Peter swore he stopped breathing, “Sitting directly in front of Y/n. Fully loaded and ready to be fired. now guess what the button does.”

Peter didn’t know what to do. he was lost. He had never been in this situation.

“now, if you’re’ ready to cooperate. Follow me.” Peter took slow hesitant steps behind the crazy doctor until the two entered a large empty room. In the middle was a metal chair, she was tied to it. Her hair was matted to her face with sweat, small dribbles of blood were falling down her face. A gun sat directly in front of her face. She shook with fear.

“Y/n….” Peter barely whispered. he moved to reach her, but Dr. Connors just moved his thumb closer to the button. Peter stopped and tore his eyes away from Y/n to look at Dr. Connors, “lower the trigger. What do you want? Money? Security?”

Dr. Connors laughed and shook his head, “don’t be ridiculous Spiderman. I know you don’t have any money and the minute that your little Y/n is here, I know you’d send those little friends of yours to find me. No, I want something else. Something that only you can give me.” His smile widened, and Peter felt his blood run cold.

He watched as Dr. Connors slowly walked over to Y/n and pushed the chair forward by an inch, the gun almost pressing against her skin. She whimpered in fear and squeezed her eye tightly.

Peter’s voice wavered, “what do you want? I’ll do anything.”

“I know…”

“please, Dr. Connors.” Peter was one threat away from dropping to his knees and begging.

He laid a surprisingly soft hand on Y/n’s head, but she flinched away anyways. “I want you to take off your mask, Spiderman. Reveal yourself for who you truly are.”

Ch 4

taglist: @awkwardfangirl2014 @givinggoodvibes @unhealthyobsessionwithmarvel

[notbigondoors]

Hi mun! If I'm not mistaken you're a woman? I'm a girl who loves to write but I've been told it's something "for men." IT'S 2020! Anyway my point is: I don't know how good I am but you definitely make me realize these people are wrong. You're incredible at writing and you add so much detail! Now, question: since Banner was a part of Vision's creation, and the Hulk is a part of Banner, does Vis ever randomly feel rage or stuff that could be a result of Hulk's mind in his portion of Banner's mind?

{out of equations} First of all... I am a woman, yes. ^_^ LOUD AND PROUD, lol. And yeah, I know what you mean. I’ve been told that women can’t write by teachers, classmates, co-workers, various other peers... so yeah. But I mean... women have been writing with that stigma for centuries and it hasn’t stopped us yet, right? XD Also... my favorite author is a woman, some of the best literary works of the past were written by women, and some of the greatest fantasy epics of the present day were also written by women. So, in an eloquent word, that’s bullshit. XDDD Women can write. We do write. We will write. Don’t listen to anyone who says otherwise.

Secondly... THANK YOU! Detail is kindof my thing. I write detail to a fault sometimes. Like... sometimes I really add way to much detail to things, haha. But I do try to keep it interesting, so I’m glad you are enjoying my interpretation of Vision.

Thirdly... to your question... I don’t think the Hulk enters into Vision’s personality at all. I know that body-wise and power-wise he’s comprised of a lot of different sources, but personality-wise, he’s really a conglomeration of coding and programming (to start with, anyway, he did run with his own sentience and personality once he was born, but yeah) of two people at his root. Tony Stark and Bruce Banner. Ultron... came from Tony. J.A.R.V.I.S. also came from Tony. So really it’s just those two actual humans whose personalities would have come through in Vision. For Hulk to be involved in forming Vision’s personality he himself would have had to write code, hahaha (that’s an interesting mental image... he’d probably just mash the keyboard), and write it with his own personality in mind. Because it’s not like biological children where Vision would inherit genes affecting personality from his dads, heh, it’s all in the coding.

So... Tony... was well-meaning, and he did create J.A.R.V.I.S., which for the most part was kindof a sentinel-like, helpful, somewhat protective and vigilant program. But with Ultron, his well-meaning ideas about wanting “peace in our time,” didn’t translate well with the methods he chose. He programmed Ultron to believe that in order to have peace, one must destroy those disrupting the peace, and since Tony is a distrustful and abrasive sort of guy with most people, I feel like what went wrong with Ultron was that some of that came through to the point of Ultron not trusting any humans to make the right decisions. All humans will eventually contribute to a disruption of the peace and need to be controlled. That’s how he seemed to think. How do you permanently control human behavior? You kill them all, heh. EXTREME... to be fair, but I feel like those subtle biases in Tony’s personality came through amplified in Ultron.

Bruce contributed to Ultron as well, but he was working off of Tony’ ideas and direction, so I feel like his participation at that point was probably more as a passenger as far as just lending his expertise and not really driving the meat of the project. He didn’t even wanna work on it in the first place. I feel like that intellectual drive to create something novel might have motivated him to eventually help Tony in that endeavor, but once he saw the way Ultron came out and way Ultron thought... I think at that point Bruce realized where they went wrong with the programming. Once the cradle with what would become Vision’s body inside was in his and Tony’s hands. I like to think that Bruce would have been this time a lot more involved and present in the process and not just a passenger. I like to think he made some very definite and major changes to the programming to either avoid or amend what Tony did wrong.

Ultron did upload some of his consciousness, but whatever was uploaded probably only contained factual information, process coding, or very basic, objective ideas. What was so biased and misguided in Ultron’s personality and what gave him sentience and consciousness had not been transferred at that point, because Vision was still inactive. If his whole mind had been downloaded, Vision would’ve been up and running... and wouldn’t have been Vision at all. And we saw the percentage was still very low when Ultron unplugged himself.

Where does all of this leave us? I think Ultron transferred the ability to think and understand what he did, but none of the biases that brought about violence and anger. Tony and Bruce provided updated coding that amended whatever went wrong with Ultron to make him jump to those genocidal conclusions. And here I really place more emphasis on Bruce’s contribution because I feel like him in his human, non-Hulk form, would have been more patient, prudent, calm, and generally interested in avoiding conflict and violence for the sake of violence. That was always something he hated about the Hulk side of him was just the unmitigated destruction and death he would bring about. So I think he would really want to avoid that, especially in a being made partially of vibranium that would be really hard to subdue, heh.

And then there were the remnants of J.A.R.V.I.S., which I feel was Tony’s good side as far as programming. All the good things like being helpful, watching out for danger, providing information, suggesting solutions... Sounds like Vision, right? So that’s a huge part of his personality as well. And then... there’s whatever Thor contributed with his lightning, which I think was more energetic and potentially magical rather than any part of his personality.

So that was a long way of saying no, I don’t think the Hulk would provide any influence for Vision’s personality. I think it’s going to be a combination of Tony in various facets (initial coding, J.A.R.V.I.S., Ultron, additional later corrective coding) and Bruce (inital coding and later corrective coding). I think the good aspects of Tony’s intentions plus Bruce’s prudence and a deep desire for not just peace but also an end to violence, which are two things that are not always equated, those are the two major components of Vision’s personality.

Thank you for this question! This was fun to hash out! =D

[emmybluefire]

Accounting for Powerful Characters in RP Events

Story Time

So, towards the last couple hours of my shift at work, a rather concerning thought occurred to me: 

“I roleplay a dragon for a reason. But every time I enter the city, or attend an RP event, I’m not allowed to use it. Period. At this point... I might as well be playing a generic mage. That kinda sucks...”

And to be honest? I got a bit angry about it. To the degree that I even started verbally ranting about it to myself in the form of mutters. I just sat there asking myself: Why? Why is it that whenever I enter a RP event, I can’t play my character to the fullest extent? I’ve worked so hard to balance out them out. To make them fun, make them memorable... and yet, people still have yet to get the full experience. 

Dilemma

Every time I try to cast something like “Spellsteal” or “Counterspell” or even use the most basic of dragon abilities: “Dragon’s breath” I’m told “No. No, you can’t because it’d solve the problems in the event too quick! And it would be very unfair to others!” It’s almost like people just- don’t account for powerful characters. Ever. No, that would make things “Too Complicated” or “Too Easy.”

But that’s when this thought occurred to me: “Powerful characters being ‘too special’ and ‘A sign of bad RP’ and ‘A red flag that indicates an asshole player’: These thoughts have been so ingrained in our collective server conscious for so long that even guilds who say they’re alright with powerful characters still don’t account for them in their events.”

This often leads to someone having to constantly annoy the DM asking: “Hey. Is this okay? Can I do this or would it be too much?” and detract from the RP at large. And let me tell you, that’s not fun at all. You feel bad for annoying the DM, and the DM winds up constantly distracted from actually running the event. That needs to change.

Disclaimer

Now, before I get too far into this: I would like to say I understand the opposing argument. One character being more powerful than the others would, In fact, make things unfair to other players. It could, in fact, make things too easy. A character that can solve a complex problem with one spell does tend to remove the challenge the DM worked so hard to develop all too quickly. Games like D&D, 5e especially, face this challenge all to often once the characters get to certain high levels. It’s a problem so many people are unsure how to tackle. At least, in a conventional setting...

On one hand: You need to let your characters play true to how they would. On the other: It really sucks when your hard work is surpassed so easily. Many DMs are unsure what to do, and so leave things as is, and silently vent to their closest friends in the background afterward.

My post today isn’t here to argue against this argument. My post today is here to offer potential solutions to these dilemmas all DM’s and event runners face every day. So, without further Ado: “How to Account for Powerful Characters.”

“Flex Raiding”

This one is my first and foremost solution. The one that I, as a DM or Event runner, would personally turn to as my first solution. In MMOrpgs like “World of Warcraft” , the RP environment is so diverse, vast, and random that it’s rather hard to cater to everyone’s preferences. You have people who like playing silly mundane characters like Old Men, Young Warriors, Book Binders, or even just your average run of the mill Civilian Drunk. But in the same environment you also have people who like to play more grandiose characters like Grand Archmages, Grizzled War Veterans, Elemental Lords, Dragons, and things like that. Sometimes more than one pour into the same pot, so to speak. So when you run a guild or dungeon group that contain characters from all ends of the spectrum, it’s hard to find one particular “Rolling System” that would accommodate for all of those and have it still be fair. 

My solution? Don’t. Instead, here’s what you can do:

In some MMOrpgs, there’s a mechanic called “Flex Raiding” , it’s when the raid or dungeon scales to the number of players doing it at once, and the levels of each player’s character. One can, in some ways, apply this same principle to roleplay events.

Write a version of the event that would come to being if your entire group consists of “Powerful Characters” , A version of the event for when your group consists of just “Mundane Characters”, and a version for when you have a mix of both. It doesn’t have to (And shouldn’t) just be: Army faces hoard, and bellows into them head on.

This can manifest in ways such as: Your antagonists anticipated facing powerful characters, and prepared accordingly. Perhaps they tamed large, hulking creatures from the deep, and placed them among their ranks to aid the hundreds of soldiers. The powerful characters must focus on them to succeed, while the mundane characters keep the armies busy. Or perhaps they managed to cast a large defensive spell that makes it hard for even the most powerful characters to enter, and the mundane must find creative, mechanical ways, like siege engines, to get past it.

Your antagonists trapped the protagonists, and now the soldiers must defend the casters for as long as they can while they pool their powers together. Encounter ends once the casters succeed in casting a very large, devastating spell that annihilates all enemies around them, or the soldiers fail to defend the casters, and must retreat.

Or perhaps it is just a generic battlefield scenario, and all you have are the mundane characters to appose them. The limit for this is truthfully the sky. Your imagination. BE CREATIVE WITH YOUR ENCOUNTERS!

You prepare accordingly, and you’ll be able to run an event where everyone is able to play their part, and their character to the fullest extent. The downsides to this obviously are the level of preparation you have to do in order to make a viable “Flex Raid” ... and obviously the complexity. But if you get used to doing this, it’ll become much easier than it sounds.

Share the Spotlight

All (Well Written) Characters have strengths and weaknesses. Even the most powerful ones. All characters are an aspect of the player’s creativity. Everyone knows that. You could have a really powerful archmage, but they have a crippling phobia of rats. That very same powerful archmage could also be a ritualist caster, meaning that their really powerful spells take time to cast, taking them out of some attack rounds. Without that time, they’re just a generic mage. Little things like that. Of course I’m describing my own character here, but in that situation, your other party members could very much help you out. 

You enter a dungeon that’s infested with rats, and now the archmage is too shaken up to cast. In that situation, the spotlight would turn to the druid who’s able to talk to said rats and remove them from the scene, while one of the more soft-spoken characters work to snap the archmage out of it.

The warrior suddenly finds himself in the middle of an enemy tavern after failing at a stealth roll. At this point, the spotlight would shift to the bard and rogue who’d step in and form a charming distraction or convincing lie to make the patrons look the other way.

The party is asked to come up with battle plans for the impending war ahead but none have any idea how. All, save, for the warrior. He’s fought in wars before. Hell, he was once a general! He knows how to do this. The spotlight shifts to him as he lays his hands over the map and is very quickly able to find a choke point to slaughter the enemy from.

The party is surrounded by a hoard of encroaching goblins, and all seems lost. But at the last second, their draconic ally catches up to the rest of the group and bellows a large cyclone of flame onto the unsuspecting hoard. The spotlight then shifts to the dragon as the party now has an opening to escape their predicament.

Little things like that would help to make roleplay events far more dynamic, all inclusive, and fun for everyone involved. Powerful, OR mundane. Sharing the spotlight with everyone, gives everyone a chance to shine in one way or another. The downside to this one: Depending on the nature the groups you play with, this may require quite a bit of improvisation. But if you’re good at that? Well, what the hell is stopping you? XD

Creative Bosses

Ah yes. The Classic boss. The biggest, toughest, most badass motherfucker in the entire antagonist group. Perhaps even the one leading them all too. I mean, it is in their title right? “The Boss” Well, here’s the thing. MMOrpgs and turn based RPGs often execute them in a way that: “We need a bigger challenge? How do we do that... hmmm.. MORE HEALTH OF COURSE!” ... This, my friends, is a mistake. Especially when there’s much more powerful characters in the group you’re running with. Said characters would, “realistically” just melt through that ungodly amount of health.

All adding more health to a boss does is create conflict among a group, and prolong an event for far longer than it should be. Come on guys. We all have lives, we cant spend ten hours a week of it playing through an event that gets almost nowhere. Instead, what I’d suggest is to consider the following questions: 

-“What makes this ‘boss’, the boss?”  

-“What is happening to them that’s making them so impossibly powerful? Can it be stopped? How do you get around it?” 

-“Does ‘power’ always have to mean magical ability?” 

-“Do they utilize all the resources at their disposal? What’s stopping them form doing so if not?”

Considering these, and applying the answers to your “boss” makes them much more interesting and dynamic. It gives the players something to strive for, something to work together on as a group to figure out and take advantage of.

Your boss could just be a normal human war general, but who’s power come’s from his political influence and the men he has at his disposal. This makes the players strive to expose his corruption and unseat him from his political standing. The men at his disposal could also make it difficult to get to him as well. Get past those obstacles, and suddenly he just becomes a normal human that can be overpowered and arrested just like any other.

Your boss could also be a young, power-hungry elven sorcerer who’s only been studying for about a decade. But in that decade he somehow came across forbidden lore and is now attempting to conduct a ritual that makes him physically invincible. The players could find out about this and find him in the middle of this ritual. To stop the ritual and take away his invincibility, you can’t just cast a “Spellsteal”. The overwhelming power of such magic would tear anyone apart without proper anchoring. So to stop him, you have to destroy his ritual components and the magical crystals he’s siphoning from while he tries to stop you. The boss fight, at that point, would just be avoiding his attacks and his minions until you shatter all the crystals, and the ritual itself is the thing that destroy’s him. Not you.

Conclusion

Accounting for powerful characters, when done right, can be just as hard as it is fun and dynamic. All it requires is, if you’re willing to have a powerful character in the group, is to mold the event accordingly, and work to understand the strengths and weakness of each member. If they don’t show up then have a backup writ on hand for the non-powerful characters. It just takes a bit of care and consideration. I suppose the TL;DR to take away from all of this is: Be creative, consider the circumstances, and create rolls each character in your party has a chance to fulfill. That way nobody feels left out, or held back.

Thank you all so much for reading. As you can tell, I did a lot of thinking into this. I’m open to discussion, and questions should anybody have some. But overall, I feel I’ve said all I need. After all, the goal of this post wasn’t to tell you--step by step--how to account for a powerful character. Just ideas and suggestions to guide you on your way to greatness! ... Being over-dramatic of course XD. But yes. All of you, have a good day or night wherever you may be!

[holocron-inthe-restrictedsection]

Night Shift at the Temple

Written for @celebrate-the-clone-wars Writing Wednesday prompt: Night Shift!

A Jedi Temple Guard sees all, speaks to few, and has attachments to no one. One must be prepared for any threats that may arise, especially at night, while most of the Temple sleeps.

Words: 1849

(Read on AO3, or click ‘keep reading’ below to stay on tumblr)

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        Even without a chrono, it was obvious when nighttime had descended on the Jedi Temple. Through the massive skylights and slotted windows, a blue-yellow haze interrupted the dark sky, billions of light pinpricks glittering like planet-bound stars. The planet never slept, not really. Half the populace was always awake, traffic never lessened, and silence was an ancient myth.

The Temple District stood separate from the rest of the bustling world, distanced by more than a kilometer of calm city blocks. Within the Temple, the grand halls were mostly empty. The internal lighting mechanisms had dimmed to half-power, a soft glow emanating from the sconces. Enough light to see by, but not so much that it was overwhelming. Though it was always quiet in the Temple, the night brought a hush that I'd never heard anywhere else.

By the time I readied myself for my rounds, the majority of the Jedi had retired to their rooms. I donned my ceremonial robes, affixing a belt around my waist and pulling on my gloves and gauntlets. With great care, I placed the white, gold-detailed Temple Guard mask over my face and raised the hood of my robes.

It had been three years since I had last left this room without being entirely concealed. Some would have felt restricted, surrendering their very identity, but I did not feel as such. To serve as a Temple Guard was the highest honor I could ever dream of, and I was more than willing to suffer anonymity if it meant proving my devotion to the Order. I took my lightsaber pike and carefully clipped it to my belt within easy reach, and exited the sleeping quarters.

As I made my way to my post, I came in contact with only two beings, who were conversing quietly as they walked. The Ithorian and Theelin Jedi nodded in greeting as they passed. I inclined my head slightly in response, though we exchanged no words. I had never learned their names, but the pair of them frequently walked the halls at this time, always deep in conversation, seemingly without a destination in mind. Sometimes I would not run into them again; sometimes, we crossed paths four or five times during my rounds.

I couldn't help but wonder what it was they always had to talk about. It had been quite some time since I had spoken with anyone other than the other Guards, and the idea of always having some matter to passionately discuss was vaguely intriguing. Emotional detachment was critical to properly perform my role; to defend the Temple from all threats, I could not afford to have my judgment clouded by my feelings. There is no emotion; there is peace.

I passed the Archives and glanced through the arching doorway. Holobooks and datacrons shimmered blue and white upon their shelves, data terminals lined up along the main walkway, busts of notable Jedi bookending the aisles. A handful of Jedi occupied the space, seeking information about the galaxy as they prepared for upcoming missions.

An aggravated-looking Padawan paced up and down the aisles, halfheartedly looking around for trouble. I suppressed a smile as I recognized the telltale signs of Council-ordered Archive security duty. It remained a favored tactic of the Council when attempting to instill patience, vigilance, or humility in headstrong Padawans. I'd been put on guard duty a few times myself when I was young.

Sitting in an isolated corner, I recognized a Gotal staring intently at a datapad; he would be here well into the night, studying some culture or other. Back when I went on off-world missions, I would often see him when I came to study holocrons. He was a wise Master, and I had learned much from him as the night grew long. Of course, I had not spoken with him since entering the ranks of the Guards. A part of me wondered if he knew what I had risen to. Maybe he thought I had died, or else been reassigned. Whatever he thought, it didn't matter.

I continued walking, following the twists and turns of the halls.

I arrived at my post, the intersection of five main thoroughfares. Another masked Guard stood waiting for me to relieve them. I didn't know their name, but their presence was familiar. They nodded wordlessly to me, and stepped away. I watched them pace down the way I had just come, then stood at attention.

After Master Cin Drallig, head of Temple security, checked in with me, I began my patrol, choosing the north-bound corridor to start with. We did not have set routes to follow, merely designated areas. That way, we did not fall into a routine that could be easily monitored by potential trouble-makers. Tonight, I was near the northern hanger bay and a mechanical repair room, my path passing through one of the dining halls.

Nothing seemed amiss for the first part of my patrol. Most nights were uneventful, as it should be. Though I was always prepared for any disturbances, a quiet shift was a good one. Three months before, there had been a breech in a lower quadrant of the Temple as an arrogant Zygerrian slaver tried to access the crèche. After breaking in, she had gotten lost in the winding halls and passages, but was able to navigate enough of the Temple to avoid detection for almost a full day before she was finally apprehended and taken into custody. We had all been on high-alert for a month afterwards, anticipating another attempted kidnapping, but none ever came.

As I stepped into the dining hall, I found the regulars eating their morning meal – well, their first meal. When I first took up the night patrol, I had been surprised to learn just how many nocturnal species made up the Order's ranks. Frigosians, Nazzar, Tumanians, and so many others, their body's sleep patterns requiring rest during the day, allowing them to be active at night. I'd wondered if they were able to maintain a regular sleep cycle, or if they had to be awake during daylight hours to receive assignments and begin missions.

Of course, I hadn't had an opportunity to ask, and doubted that I would. These Jedi had formed an order of their own, a system of beings who inhabited the Temple separate from the rest of the Order. They may intermingle at dawn and dusk, but neither nocturnal nor diurnal fully lived in the world of the other.

Having experienced both, I was struck by the differences that existed in the Temple depending on the angle of the sun. Those who woke at night were always soft-spoken, more light-footed, as though they prowled around the Temple on the lookout for prey or predator. In my observations, they tended to have a stronger ability to sense and manipulate the living Force. Those awake during the day tended to be rowdier, bolder, and far more dependent on sight. Perhaps that had come with the evolutions of their species millennia ago.

None of the Jedi in the dining hall greeted me as I passed through, and I did not acknowledge them. It was my duty to be watchful, not social.

I returned to the intersection of hallways, turning left to continue patrol towards the hanger bay. The civilian mechanics were gone for the day, and as I activated the door control and entered the bay, was greeted with darkness and silence. Hulking transports loomed in the darkness, speeders and starfighters casting long shadows from the dim emergency lights. The lack of humming engines and sparking tools, chittering droids and laughing mechanics, made the hanger feel very lonely.

Something was behind me.

I spun on my heel, snapping my lightsaber into my hand, but didn't activate the blade. The hall was deserted. I hesitated, reaching out with the Force, sensing for any lifeforms.

There, around the corner. A very strong presence in the Force, lurking just out of sight.

I relaxed, recognizing the imprint. It was young Skywalker, out past curfew once again. On his way to the repair room, no doubt. Whenever he couldn't sleep, the boy snuck out to tinker with electrical components. I'd caught him no fewer than two dozen times since he'd come to the Temple. Of course, that was just how often I'd actually found him, and escorted him back to his room. Lately, it just didn't seem to be worth it; the boy was stubborn, and if he was determined to work on droids late at night, then so be it. He wasn't about to cause any mischief.

Besides, I'd always had a soft spot for younglings out to explore the Temple. The Masters would not approve, and the written rules were to prevent the young ones from leaving the crèche. But it was an unspoken understanding that younglings and Padawans would sneak out no matter what. We had all done it when we were their age. The Temple's paths were numerous, a labyrinth of hallways and courtyards and rooms built up after a thousand years of expansion and construction. The Temple was too fascinating not to explore. And in the basic sense of the word, it was their home; they should be allowed to go where they so chose, as long as their was no danger.

“Master Drallig will be checking this sector before mid-night,” I said casually to the empty hall. The mask distorted my voice. “I suggest you be back in bed by then.” I turned deliberately away.

There was a moment's hesitation, then I heard the soft padding of running feet behind me, sliding around the corner and fading down the corridor, towards the repair room.

I allowed myself a smile as I locked the hanger access door again and clipped the lightsaber back to my belt. I sympathized with young Skywalker's nighttime missions. When I was young, I would find my way to the Room of a Thousand Fountains and swim in the ponds for hours. More often than not, I was caught and sent back to my room. But there had been one young Jedi Knight, Ky Narec, who would just sit and talk with me, quizzing me about my studies, answering my questions about the Force, never criticizing my nighttime excursions. When I became of age, he had taken me as his Padawan.

For a moment, I felt a twinge of sadness. Master Ky had been so proud when I passed the Trials, and had advised me whenever I needed him. But I hadn't spoken to him since I joined the Temple Guard. I wondered where he was now; I hadn't seen him around the Temple in several years. Last I knew, he had been given a long-term assignment on an outer-rim world.

I drew a deep breath, shaking myself out of my thoughts and stepping back to the hallway. I could not dwell on my past connections. I could not focus on protecting the Temple if I was distracted by my own feelings. There is no emotion; there is peace.

I continued following the path, alert for any danger.

[thefingerfuckingfemalefury]

Last thing I wanna say on what happened in Detective Comics...

I personally agree with what Kate did.

I think morally and ethically she made the right call to save Cass’s life and the lives of many others. And I hate the bullshit way Bruce and Tim are acting towards her. I don’t like heroes who kill all the time or treat life like its cheap but at the same time I think for a hero to say that killing is NEVER justified or acceptable is also ridiculous...I don’t want Kate to turn into the Punisher but at the same time I think Bruce and Tim acting like she’s done the Worst Thing Ever just because she took a life to safe COUNTLESS OTHERS including a friend and teammate when there was no clear way to otherwise prevent it is ridiculous too...heck, Wonder Woman and Superman, two of the most caring and compassionate heroes in the DCU who value life greatly have BOTH killed in the past...Superman took the lives of three Kryptonian criminals in a story back in the eighties and Wonder Woman has killed in combat as well as having killed Maxwell Lord to prevent his fascist plans coming to pass. Killing shouldn’t be the way heroes solve all their problems or deal with all their foes but sometimes it IS justified

That being said, I absolutely understand if people aren’t happy about this story direction. Personally I wish the story hadn’t played out like this either. Just because, in-universe I agree with what Kate did does not mean I think that this is how the story should have been written or that I’m happy with it and I do not wanna suggest that people who don’t like this story are wrong for thinking that

Also in universe, while I think Kate was right, I don’t think Basil deserved what happened to him. It was an awful situation and he wasn’t responsible for his actions...his Clayface form causes him to lose control...in the same way Bruce Banner isn’t responsible for what happens when the Hulk rampages, Basil is not Clayface...Clayface is something Basil turns into

And I hate what has happened to Cass as well :( And I don’t think her being mad at Kate makes Cass a bad person or that her reaction is somehow not justified. She lost her best friend. She is more than entitled to be angry.

Honestly I just hope that somehow things can be worked out. I hope that bridges will be mended and the team will pull together again. I am trying to give Tynion the benefit of the doubt that the end goal of this story isn’t to demonise Kate Kane or end with everyone miserable and hating each other. I totally understand why people are afraid that is what’s going to happen though. And again, I don’t blame people for being pissed

If the story really does end with Kate’s character being shit on her by her being portrayed as a villain or “Not as good” or “Not as moral” as Batman for what she did then I will be pissed off as well.

Also just wanna say, while I’m giving Tynion the benefit of the doubt here I’m not saying I expect all of Kate’s fans or Cass’s fans or fans of the book in general to do the same. People who are pissed off at this stories feelings are valid too. I really wish that the story had ended better and happier than it did. Basil deserved his second chance. Cass deserved to get to be happy with her friend. And Kate deserves better than being treated like she’s no better than a criminal by Bruce and Tim :( 

[deilands]

Authenticity in Transition

“Some writers confuse authenticity, which they ought always to aim at, with originality, which they should never bother about.” – W.H. Auden

I’ve written a lot over the past month or so. Some of it has been fiery and some of it has been contemplative. Recently I’ve been called to task by someone important to me about a few things. The best way I can summarize these things seems to be wrapped up in the questions of authenticity.  

“Tone: Think of all the ways you strived for being better and more and higher and devout-er as a Christian… you seem to be doing all of those same behaviors, same stilted language. For whom?” –anon

I have this problem. I’ve described it before as transitional fire. Whenever I am moving away from one thing to another or whenever I am changing from someone to someone else I tend to blaze away. I become like the incredible (or not-so-incredible) hulk and I write in language and patterns that suggest anger and rage and disgust.

I can go back to my old journals and blogs and find my transitionary phases. I can find the places when I change from one thing to another – whether by logical choice or by emotional movement – and I can find in those places some of this same fire. Seventeen or so years ago, I was in one of these places. My Christianity was firmly intact and I was for the time angry at what I viewed as the overall hypocrisy of the church. I find it amusing now, looking back, how close I was and how far I was from who I am today.

I will never claim to be a poet – really. Sometimes I write poetry. Most of the time it’s horrible stuff with a rhyme and meter that’s not even remotely fun. In this previous of time, I was expressing myself in blogs and poetry aplenty and I want to post one that got me into trouble back then. It’s not long and it may give proof to what I mean by this transitory problem that I have.

Tattered Dresses - 3/25/2003

All the bells were silent Except the one to toll the funeral Of the murdered Sons of I The bloody corpse of Am The bridesmaid's dresses a tattered remnant Of her casket gleaming brown Never let it be said that she, the bride, While losing breath to putrid kisses Should breathe the rotting stench of life Holding in air of the earth The flower-girl hanging from the tree of life Her dress ripped from her body's smiling face There were ten virgins met by rapists Ended that line bitter quick Taking their oil with slapstick faces While the former asked for more And found their flasks then broken The Maid of Honor against the wall Beauty's dress a remnant of lingerie from prying eyes Can it be said that the steeple Of our churches reveal our nude form While praying piously from the pews of bitter wood We call ourselves the bride of I The lover's call of Am goes forth But we still mend our dress before the marriage Of the man we've engaged then lost to earth When will life return?

See what I mean? I have other stuff that is much more contemplative much like this entry is interspersed with this odd disgust or rage at where perhaps I viewed myself being mere months before. And so I come to the point of this post.

I’m not sure what authenticity looks like. A very dear friend of mine used to say to me that I tend to make excuses for my own feelings. I still find myself doing this. I say how I feel and then I create the reasons that I feel that way instead of letting the feelings simply be what they are. I get hurt or angry or sad or depressed and if it is due to someone else I look for ways to absolve them even while I at times work against them.

This transition for me is different than others. In the past, I always had this concept of Jesus the Christ who wanted things to be right but was looking for mankind to get their shit together. Here – in this place – it’s almost like I’ve realized that it is God who never got his shit together. Worse – he vacated the premises a long time ago. The great I am simply never was. And all of my railing and anger and desire and hope and feeling of chosen-ness was simply my own internal stuff.

I was listening to a podcast today and something was mentioned that did strike home. We don’t suddenly change when we lose faith. We stay the same people. We care the same. We love the same. We value the same things. I still show a lot of angst when it comes to the things that I believe or stop believing in. I still use harsh language while I’m processing because in some ways I’m still convincing myself.

It would be a lie if I said that I don’t pray anymore or don’t somehow get the feeling that there is a grander narrative to my life. Sometimes I still get that feeling like I’m being watched over my shoulder and wonder if I turn around fast enough will I see Him there – divine hiddenness and all. I’m like a smoker who is sticking things in my mouth because of the habit. I grasp onto mystical straws at times because I don’t want to lose the mysticism that formed my entire life.

So to those of you who think that I’m covering my eyes and ears and eyes and not seeing that I’m railing against the things that I say I don’t believe in. . . I see it. And for those who think that all of this is cerebral – it is. . . and it isn’t.

I had to give the eulogy beside the casket of a student once. Draped in his robotics attire and with students and adults alike – his parents and younger brother and all of my team. I didn’t cry. I gave a speech with all of the gravitas that I could muster. I looked at his parents and stayed strong not because I was hiding my emotions but because I process them differently.

God died. Or – my belief in him did. And I’m still writing his eulogy and doing so in front of a crowd of people of my own making. Because it seems fit that I shouldn’t let this thing that made up so much of my life to go without eulogizing it’s worth and worthlessness.

I don’t know if I’m being authentic in my transition or not. I do know that I’m trying. I apologize for those times that I come across as overly angry or snarky or ridiculous. Maybe that’s just processing. Regardless, I don’t ever want to become the person that spends his time hanging onto old relationships that have died.

I hope this brings a bit of clarity to the reader.

Goodnight.  

[bishreview]

Top 20 Films of the Year

I think it’s about time I did something about films so here’s my list for the top 20 movies. This year has seen a rise in quality superhero films, some strong horror flicks, but I’ve felt genres like comedies and science fiction have really dropped. This list will include films that were released to Australian audiences in 2017 but will miss the Oscar nominated ones at the start of the year because they were classified as 2016 still. Enjoy.

20. Spider Man: Homecoming

Superhero films really did well this year, with Spider Man’s first lead film in the MCU a pleasure to watch from start to finish. Focusing on the high school aspect rather than the superhero aspect (like all previous movies of the hero have done), Holland brings the role to new levels of excitement, humour and reliability, making this maybe the best film incarnation of the hero.

19. Split

Split is a different sort of film. It’s a super-villain film, disguised as a psychological thriller, disguised as a horror. James McAvoy’s role as the character Kevin, a person who has multiple personalities, is incredible as he switches between different personalities, with their own characteristics, with ease.  M. Night Shyamalan looks like he’s making a comeback, and it’s exciting to watch.

18. Raw

Have you ever watched a film so gross but so engaging that you can’t look away even though you’re disgusted by what you’re watching? Because that’s Raw. Julia Ducournau’s unique film about cannibalism is incredibly unique and brilliant, whilst also being one of the hardest to watch films I’ve ever seen. Big warning to those with weak stomachs.

17. Star Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Jedi

The Last Jedi will probably go down as the most decisive Star Wars film ever. Disney have made it clear that they are avoiding canon in their trilogy, turning away from the comics and focusing on the films. With The Last Jedi they took it further, taking risks throughout the whole movie. In doing so, they made the most unique Star Wars film yet, and maybe the strongest since the original trilogy, focusing on the balance of the force instead of the usual ‘good vs. evil’.

16. John Wick: Chapter Two

John Wick is such a brilliantly written character. Although the second instalment in the hit-man, revenge franchise looks more into his past and the organisation he was a part of, we still know little about the ‘Boogeyman’. Keeanu Reeves is brilliant as the titular character and Derek Kolstad has again written another amazing story, creating one of the most interesting and unique cinematic universes.

15. A Ghost Story

There are some movies which capture your imagination and place you in a story that you can escape in. A Ghost Story is a different story. It’s heartbreaking but makes you feel warm. Casey Affleck and Rooney Mara are brilliant as the two leads, holding a chemistry which is hard to create so naturally. Although it’s slow at times, there is a certain beauty throughout the movie, drawing you into the love story even at it’s slowest moments

14. Logan Lucky

Logan Lucky is a really fun film. With a great cast including Adam Driver, Channing Tatum, Riley Keough, and Daniel Craig, the heist film is an entertaining watch. Although heist films sometimes feel cliched, Logan Lucky utilises the American car racing competition NASCAR as its setting, allowing the film to explore a different range of characters, making it one of the most intriguing heist movies in years.

13. Wonder Woman

The DCEU is getting really hard to watch. Justic League, released late this year, was more of the same average flicks which has plagued the franchise since Man of Steel. Before that though was Wonder Woman, the cinematic universe’s saving grace. Gal Gadot is incredible as the iconic superhero, carrying the movie all the way through with her engaging performance. Mid-way through the year I stated this film was the saving grace of the franchise, and that could never be more true now.

12. The Big Sick

Rom-com’s have never really been my thing. I often feel their stories have been done over and over again and that the genre doesn’t try to be do anything different. The Big Sick though is a story which hasn’t even been attempted by the industry yet, a movie about religious and cultural traditions and progressing forward with them. Kumail Nanjiani explores his real life story in such a tongue in cheek way that you can’t help but love the story and the characters.

11. The Lost City of Z

I was remembering this film the other day (I’ve only watched it twice) and the feelings I got from it still gives me the chills. The exploration of the jungle in James Gray’s film about real life explorer Percy Fawcett is gorgeous. It’s a slow burning movie that depicts Fawcett’s addiction to the Amazon rainforest in such a mesmerising way that you often forget that he’s searching for gold, rather just wanting to live in the Amazon. Charlie Hunman is brilliant as the lead and it’s a movie that will stick in your mind for a long time.

10. Thor: Ragnarok

2017 was a great year for the MCU, and Thor: Ragnarok was the shining light. Although the previous Thor films have been some of the more weaker entries in the franchise, Ragnarok was able to give the titular character his best story yet, combining the comic with the Planet Hulk storyline. With incredible performances by Chris Hemsworth, Cate Blanchett, Mark Ruffalo, Tom Hiddleston, Tessa Thompson and Jeff Goldblum, NZ director Taika Waititi created the best and most fun Thor that has ever hit the big screen.

9. The Beguilded

The Beguilded was a strange watch. Based on the 1971 novel of the same name, the film explores lust, forbidden love, obsession, fear and hate in a stable manner, balancing these themes effortlessly. Sofia Coppola has deservedly won awards for this film and will hopefully be nominated for a few more after being snubbed at the Golden Globes.

8. Silence

If I were to pick a film that I have seen this year that still disturbs me it would be Silence. Set in 17th century Japan, during the Tokugawa shogunate, Silence follows two Christian priests (Adam Driver and Andrew Garfield) trying to track down their mentor (Liam Neeson) whilst continuing to spread their outlawed religion. The movie is very graphic and doesn’t hold back on the Crucifixion techniques that were implemented during this period. Garfield also delivers the performance of his career, pulling you in emotionally to his character’s experience. 

7. War On The Planet of the Apes

It was always going to be hard to complete the Apes trilogy, as the first two films of the franchise were both amazing. War though is best of the three. An incredibly emotional experience as we watch Caesar and his fellow apes fight for survival against humans. Andy Serkis is again incredible as Caesar, continuing to prove that he’s the best actor in a motion capture suit.

6. Logan

Superhero movies were truly a shining light in 2017. The fourth comic book movie on this list (and the highest), Logan (based on Old Man Logan comic) is an incredible experience. Allowing the movie to have a restricted rating was a risk but it paid of as it allowed the character to be at his brutal best. Hugh Jackman will always be Wolverine and Logan was a perfect way to send off nearly two decades of the character on the big screen.

5. A Monster Calls

A Monster Calls (can also be called How to Tear Someone’s Heart Out) is the saddest film of the year. It hits you deep in the feels, ensuring the audience cries their eyes out by the end of the film. Lewis MacDougall is incredible as the lead, and the supporting cast are brilliant, especially Liam Neeson as the voice of The Monster. The film blends a heartbreaking story about cancer with a beautiful fantasy world, utilising water-colour animations to bring the audience into the imaginary world. 

4. T2: Trainspotting

T2 has been a long time coming. A sequel to the incredible original (Trainspotting) has been rumoured for a while, and Danny Boyle has finally delivered two decades on. Bringing back the beloved Scottish gang, led by Ewan McGregor, T2 doesn’t hold back on themes of getting old, reminiscing on youth, and trying to make up for the mistakes of youth. With all four of the characters being on a path which joins them back together, fans of the original will feel blessed with this sequel, whilst new fans will straight away connect with their stories. 

3. The Disaster Artist

The Disaster Artist is a perfect homage to the greatest film of all time, The Room. Delving into the creation of the aforementioned masterpiece, The Disaster Artist is about more than having a laugh at the people who were involved in making it. Instead it allows a sympathetic view on the desire to be an actor, to create film as an art form. Both Tommy Wiseau and Greg Sestero are respectfully portrayed by the Franco brothers, allowing a look into the hardships they faced during the making of The Room. It’s a fantastic story, both hilarious and relatable, and could be the Franco brothers best performances.

2. Dunkirk

I’ve always felt like Christopher Nolan has an obsession with outdoing himself every movie. After the epic (albeit flawed epic) which was Interstellar, it looked like he was going to stick on the sci-fi route which had dominated so many of his previous films. Instead he made Dunkirk a history piece about the Allies biggest failure in World War II, the loss of France. The film is tiring to watch, moving slowly and feeling like it’s in a constant route, as every small victory is followed by the plan going wrong. Fionn Whitehead is terrific in his debut mainstream role, and Kenneth Branagh, Mark Rylance, Tom Hardy and Harry Styles also bring in strong performances, suggesting that Dunkirk may be Nolan’s best work.

1. Get Out

I watched Get Out again last night and it still hits me the same way as it did the first time I watched it. Jordan Peele’s directorial debut is incredible. The comedian jumps into a genre unfamiliar to him, in a horror/thriller, and he delivers. Get Out is a unsettling film, raising issues of racism (and anti-racism) without making it overbearing. Daniel Kaluuya is incredible as the lead and will hopefully get rewarded during award season, and the supporting cast of the film (notably Lakeith Stanfield and Betty Gabriel) help create a chilling atmosphere throughout the whole film. The twist ending also may be one of the most impactful non-events in film history, with the expectation of what is going to happen making more of a statement than what actually happens (it will make more sense once you see it). Get Out is an incredible film, close to the best for this decade so far, and my number one film for 2017.

That’s my film list. It came out later than I wanted it to but I’ve just been hammered with work at the moment. I’ve completed the Top 50 Singles of 2017 list and that will be released tomorrow so stay tuned for that. Thanks for the support and hopefully you’ve enjoyed this list.

[ncmagroup]

Written by Pete Caputa

  I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of bad emails from salespeople. I am sick and tired of receiving unsolicited, uncustomized, long-winded, self-promotional emails from lazy salespeople. While I could write a complete book series with a slew of bad examples, I received a particularly irritating one the other day that sent me over the edge.

  I responded to the salesperson just to tell him how bad it was. This brand new sales development rep defended himself in a back-and-forth email exchange, giving me, even more, reasons to be mad.

Realizing I was getting nowhere with this rep, I ended the conversation telling him I’d write an article on why I found his approach so annoying and ineffective.

Without further ado, here’s the prospecting email I received.

(I changed the names and value props on the email to protect the guilty. But I left as much of the badness as possible.)

  Peter, before the weekend

  Hi Peter,

I’ll be reaching out to you on the phone in the next couple of days/next week but I wanted to follow up with an email as well before the weekend.

We haven’t had the pleasure of meeting but I’m reaching out to introduce myself and see if we can schedule a 15-minute conversation sometime next week.

I work for a company called BoogerPickers — we help businesses better manage their digital booger picking technologies, and when I came across your website and assessed the tools you’re using, I realized this is a great opportunity for us to help you.

To be brief — we are a booger indexing solution that:

Eliminates the chaotic burden of handpicking boogers from your nose

Enables access to smaller, difficult to reach boogers in order to increase successful booger extraction

Optimizes the ROI from your existing booger pickers (reducing time and maximizing ROI)

Companies similar to yours in the industry rely on us to be the foundation for their entire booger picking stack and I think HubSpot Inc. could definitely see the value in BoogerPickers as well.

I’d love the opportunity to share this in a bit more detail and hear your feedback. 

Are you available for 15 minutes sometime next week?

Can’t imagine a quick chat about increasing booger picking and optimizing your booger pile would be a waste.

Cheers, Clueless Chad

PS — Check out this recent TechCrunch article about BoogerPickers’ recent round of funding and future plans!

  As you read that, you probably saw many of the mistakes. But just in case you’re as dense as the guy who sent it, I’ll walk you through the mistakes I saw one by one.

Don’t Trick Your Prospects into Opening Your Email

I was pissed off before I even read past the first line of the email body. After reading the subject line, “Peter, before the weekend,” I opened this thinking that it was urgent or maybe even from someone who knew me. But then realized it was from a salesperson who didn’t know me at all.

This salesperson successfully tricked me into opening his email. In the subsequent email exchange, he defended his subject line by saying that it got a 78% open rate and a 12% response rate. He failed to realize that he probably irritated at least 66% of his prospects by tricking us into opening his email.

Don’t obscure who you are or what you want. Instead, use a subject line that’s obvious. You might even be better off having no subject line compared to one like this.

If You’re Going to Call, Just Call

“I’ll be reaching out to you on the phone in the next couple of days / next week but I wanted to follow up with an email as well before the weekend.”

At this point, I’m already pissed off because this salesperson tricked me into opening his email. This line increased my anger. Not full-Hulk. But getting there.

If you’re going to call a prospect first, just call them. If you’re going to email before you call, send an email. Either of these avenues is acceptable. What’s not is sending an email to warn your prospect that you’re going to call them. Just do it.

The worst part about this line is that it leaves me with no idea why this salesperson is writing (or going to call) me. He didn’t personalize the email to me in any way. He did not do any research on me. He made no attempt to build any type of personal connection.

When sending an email, your first line should mention something about the prospect, not you or your cold calling plans. Something like, “Congratulations on your new product launch” or “I saw that a few of your team members recently read about topic X on our website,” or in his case, “I noticed you’re using 12 different booger-picking technologies.”

The first line of a prospecting email should always be about the prospect, and never about the salesperson.

Don’t Insert Your Call to Action Before You’ve Established Value

“We haven’t had the pleasure of meeting but I’m reaching out to introduce myself and see if we can schedule a 15-minute conversation sometime next week.”

My thought bubble after I read this line: “Really? Pleasure? Who the hell are you?” I especially love how this salesperson asked for 15 minutes well before he introduced any potential value to me. Does he think his prospects sit around all day hoping random strangers will call them? Or maybe he thinks his excitement about his product compensates for his lack of genuine interest in me or my challenges?

I don’t have any suggestions for changing this sentence to make it better. Statements like this should not be written in sales emails — plain and simple. They’re simply extra words, which can only hinder your efforts considering that most experts recommend three to seven sentence sales emails.

Assuming he correctly punctuated his sentences, this email is 13 sentences. If I were to try to cut this email down to the ideal length, this sentence would be the first to go, especially since doing away with it would help him get to the point faster …

Suggest Only One Benefit in Your First Email (If Any)

“I work for a company called BoogerPickers — we help businesses better manage their digital booger picking technologies, and when I came across your website and assessed the tools you’re using, I realized this is a great opportunity for us to help you.

“To be brief — we’re a booger indexing solution that, to name a few things …”

At this point, the salesperson started to explain the problems he solves. While I’m not a fan of spitting out value propositions in the first email to a prospect who has never heard of you, I’ll give him credit for getting to the point (finally).

However, the problem is that he threw a bunch of benefits at me like spaghetti at a wall. As sales prospecting expert Heather R. Morgan says, “Keep things short and sweet … by keep[ing] your email focused on one core idea or benefit.”

And as best-selling sales and marketing author David Meerman Scott would say, this guy needs a gobbledygook meter. Why? This salesperson includes a lot of vague words that are overused by marketers and salespeople. At best, most prospects read phrases like “optimize ROI” and “reduce time” and ignore them. At worst, they think, “bullsh*t,” and lump you into the bucket of over-sellers.

Lastly, if you’re going to say “to be brief,” be brief. But, maybe, just maybe, don’t say it at all. Just be brief.

Realize That Your Prospects Don’t Care What You’d Love to Do

“I’d love the opportunity to share this in a bit more detail and hear your feedback.”

The last thing I care about is what this salesperson would love to do. In general, I don’t care much about what strangers who spam, deceive, oversell, and waste my time would love to do.

This line should also be cut from the email. Any statement starting with “I’d love to … ” should be transformed into a question like “Would you be interested in … ?”

Don’t Ask for a Phone Call in Your First Email

“Are you available for 15 minutes sometime next week?

“Can’t imagine a quick chat about increasing booger picking and optimizing your booger pile would be a waste.”

The rep might not be able to imagine himself wasting my time, but I can. After all, he’s already wasted my time and pissed me off with this email. Something tells me he wouldn’t “totally redeem himself” on the phone.

Lately, I’ve been advising salespeople to stop asking to schedule a call in their first email, especially if they don’t know whether the prospect is in the market for a product or service like theirs. I realize this bucks traditional sales prospecting wisdom.

However, I’m seeing that buyers are reaching a frustration point with these types of cold emails. It seems (not so surprisingly) that the last thing a busy executive wants to do these days is to get on the phone and hear a pitch. They can go to a website and read the pitch much more quickly — anytime, anywhere, and in their underwear, if they want.

But because salespeople are sometimes getting high single and low double-digit response rates (in this case, 12%, according to “Chad”), most companies are okay with the collateral damage that results from a cold email campaign. Missing the mark 90% of the time — even though it pisses prospects off and tarnishes the company’s reputation — seems to be an acceptable prospecting casualty rate. But I don’t get it.

While those types of numbers might be the status quo in prospecting, they would indicate a failure in any other game. Why do we accept this collateral damage?

These low response rates indicate that it’s probably too forward to ask for time on the phone. Instead, focus on simply getting a response. Do this by asking a conversation-starting question to determine their priorities. Something like, “Do you ever get frustrated by X?” or “Is this a problem for you?”

That said, I do think it makes sense for salespeople to offer to do a phone call at some point, but I’d recommend offering it as a follow up to an email response. After all, communicating via phone could be the prospect’s preference. But, the offer should sound something like, “I am available to get on a call with you at [day and time] if you believe it makes sense to explore how I can help” instead of “Do you have 15 minutes to get on the phone?”

Resist Tooting Your Own Horn

“Cheers, Clueless Chad

“PS — Check out this recent TechCrunch article about BoogerPickers’ recent round of funding and future plans!”

Interesting choice of horn-tooting PR. Any good salesperson should know that their company’s funding does not do anything to validate that a prospect needs what they have.

In general, salespeople should avoid talking about themselves or their companies in the first email. Don’t toot your own horn. To get responses to your sales emails, demonstrate your expertise by doing your research, customizing your approach, making a very educated guess about one way (and only one way) you could provide value, and ask a question to see if this benefit syncs with their priorities.

Reach Out to the Right Contact

This email is unquestionably bad, but I haven’t even gotten to the worst part yet. The worst part is that I’m not the person managing “booger picking” for HubSpot. If this guy did a very small amount of research by looking at the size of the company and my title on LinkedIn, he would have realized that I probably don’t even know the guy that manages booger picking at HubSpot.

In the subsequent email exchange, the salesperson admitted to sending the same exact email to a bunch of people at HubSpot, since he didn’t take the time to determine who the correct contact was. Don’t be this lazy.

If you are going to knowingly email people who aren’t the right contact, at least take Aaron Ross’s decade-old advice and use his “Are you the right contact?” email templates. Just be careful — while there is a time and a place for this approach, don’t use it if you can find the right contact on LinkedIn. In the last 10 years, LinkedIn has come a long way, baby.

A Better Prospecting Email Template For This Scenario

Taking into account all of the advice above, here’s an email template that this salesperson could have used to successfully get a response from me. (Since I don’t really understand exactly what his company does — despite his efforts to fill me in — I’m taking some liberties by assuming that the wrong booger picking technology negatively impacts lead generation.)

Losing website leads because of inefficient booger picking?

Hey Pete, 

I read your impressive article on lead generation and shared it with our VP of Sales. I wish our marketing team generated leads for us at that volume. 

I know your team is world-class in this area, but I’m wondering whether you’ve ever looked at the negative impact too many booger picking technologies have on your lead generation funnel? From looking at the way your booger picking technologies are deployed on HubSpot.com, we estimate you’re losing 3% of your leads. 

Could this be a problem for you and your team? 

Regards,  Clued-In Chad

  Go to our website:   www.ncmalliance.com

Salespeople, Please Stop Sending Terrible Prospecting Emails Like This One Written by Pete Caputa

[whereisthefood123]

A date was never an easy task

Hello everyone! I'm on a roll today! Here's Prompt for day 5 of Gajevy week 'First Date'. Hope you like it and tell me your thoughts on this one!

Summary: Gajeel wanted to treat his girlfriend to a nice dinner. He should know by now that things are never that easy for him.

Word count: 5.2 k

FFnet

Things… weren't going as expected… in the least…

"Ugh! We shouldn't have gone there in the first place! I mean… Agh! What a bunch of idiots!"

Gajeel and Levy were walking on the street after they had been 'asked' to leave the fancy restaurant where they were having a nice dinner.

It was their first official date as a couple and Gajeel wanted to do something romantic for his Shorty so he asked Lily for help, which turned out to be Lucy, Mirajane and Lily's help. They suggested this fancy restaurant in Magnolia by the edge of the canal. Supposedly, it was a very exclusive and romantic place and people had to wait at least 2 months to get a reservation there. But with how popular Fairy Tail was and with some favors asked around by Mira and Lucy, Gajeel managed to get a reservation for tonight.

He had been pretty excited, even when he didn't wanted to admit it at first. It was a way to show he cared about the little bookworm and he had been doing his best to behave during the entire meal. But then, his plans went south when the unexpected happened...

"Calm down, Shrimp…" Gajeel walked behind her and he had to speed up to keep up with her. It was a funny scene since Levy's legs were shorter than his but somehow the anger fueled her walking, leaving Gajeel always one step behind.

The bluenette's face was red from fury and the dragon slayer could swear there was steam fuming from her ears. Her fists were clenched tightly to her sides, rosy fingernails digging into her palms but Levy couldn't bring herself to care. She was beyond angry at the people from the restaurant.

"They're idiots, Gajeel! That's what they are! Just some dressed up idio- Ah!" Levy's angry rambling was cut short when her right heel got stuck on the sidewalk and she almost fell face first into the pavement. Almost. Gajeel caught her immediately by her waist and held her up straight.

"Breathe, Shorty." Gajeel said in an incredibly calm voice. He usually was the one who would lose his temper and Levy would be the one saying things to calm him down, but he knew that this time he needed to keep his composure and be the voice of reason. He had his own murderous thoughts directed to those inside the restaurant but now was not the time for him to let his fury get the best of him. Right now, he needed to focus only on Levy.

The solid script mage stopped walking and Gajeel didn't remove his hand from her waist. Instead, he got closer to her and completely encircled her body with his strong arms. Levy's right shoulder was pressed against Gajeel's rock-hard chest and she let her body leaned into him, welcoming the warmth he emanated in this cold night. She didn't look up at him, instead she looked down at her feet, trying to conceal the angry tears that had gathered in her eyes.

"And these…" she seethed through clenched teeth and a shiver traveled down Gajeel's spine at the coldness in her voice. "These shoes… Ugh! I hate high-heels! I don't know how I let Lu-chan talked me into wearing these!" She was shaking in anger and the iron dragon slayer felt sorry for the stellar mage. He knew how dangerous it could be to be on the receiving end of Levy's anger.

As much as she wanted to calm down, Levy couldn't help but still hold on to her anger. It had been a lovely evening with just some minor 'inconveniences' along the way but then she just exploded in rage against the waiter at the restaurant...

Inconvenience #1

Once Gajeel and Levy had arrived to the restaurant and he had asked for their table, the hostess gave them both a 'are you serious you're not in the wrong restaurant' look. It made Levy uncomfortable since it wasn't like they were underdressed for the occasion. If fact, both of them had dressed up nicely for their date.

Gajeel was wearing a black suit with a white button up shirt with matching black shining shoes. He even wore a black tie, that looked somehow a little bit tight, and had his hair tied back in a loose low ponytail. He looked so handsome and Levy couldn't help the blush that tinted her cheeks whenever she sneaked a glance at his gorgeous hulking figure.

As for Levy, both Mira and Lucy had helped her in choosing her outfit, applying makeup and taming her wild blue locks. She was wearing a beautiful white blouse that fell off of her shoulders with a low cut on the back that showed her guild mark. A black pencil skirt hugged her curves just perfectly, reaching just above her knees. She had some light makeup on her face that made her hazel eyes stand out beautifully and her hair was done in a fancy pull up bun with some locks falling down here and there. She wasn't wearing a headband for tonight, but instead she had at least a hundred bobby pins to keep her hair out of her face. Finally, and to most of Levy's dismay, her outfit had been complemented with black high stiletto heels; not that she disliked the shoes, but she wasn't used to wearing them so she had stumbled quite a few times on their way to the restaurant earning an equal amount of teasing remarks from her boyfriend.

Still, the lady at the entrance of the restaurant had stared at them, eyeing the couple up and down several times before checking into her reservation's book to find the name 'Redfox' at the top of the page. She apologized halfheartedly and guided them to their table.

Levy was sure Gajeel was going to make a snarky remark against the hostess or at least huff in irritation at her behavior. The bluenette knew he hated whenever someone passed judgement over him just because of how he looked and he could never stay quiet about his annoyance. It was something she envied about him since most of the times Levy would just hung her head down and tried to act as if the criticism didn't affect her. She liked that he always stood up to those who thought of themselves all high and mighty; not that she ever mentioned it to him.

Instead of the expected behavior, Levy was surprised when Gajeel looked down at her and smiled, motioning her to follow the hostess.

The bluenette took a deep breath to calm her aggravation at the hostess' behavior and smiled back at Gajeel before following the path to their table. Well, if Gajeel wasn't getting angry at this then Levy shouldn't make a big fuss out of it, right?

Inconvenience #2

Once seated at their table, both of them were looking intently through the menu, not quite understanding a single word written there. Sure, Levy was able to translate the menu's language, since it was written in something akin to Boscan to make it look fancier. But she couldn't understand what the dishes meant or if the combinations of flavors even sounded appetizing to her.

On the other hand, Gajeel couldn't even read a single word in the menu but some of the pictures reminded him of some dishes he had cooked once or twice in the past.

They looked up from their menus and an idea struck both of them.

Gajeel shuffled his chair closer to Levy's and she read out loud the menu in Fiorian. Then, Gajeel explained to her about the dishes and the mixing of flavors; sometimes, he even gave his opinion on whether she might like the dish or not.

With their combined efforts, they were able to order their meal.

Still, their waiter gave them an odd look as if he was annoyed that they took too long to decide what they were going to order. He took the menus and left without any other word and his attitude caused Levy to furrow her nose in irritation.

'Well, if you want us to order faster, you can write the menus in Fiorian… What's the deal with using another language? Steak is steak here and in Bosco' Levy thought while glaring at the retreating back of their waiter.

Surprisingly, or not that much, her attention was brought back to her boyfriend by a flick of his finger to her forehead. She narrowed her eyes at him and he just let out his famous laugh.

"Gihi, we make a good team, am I right Shrimp?" He showed her his charming one-sided grin and that was all she needed for her anger to dissipate. It was incredible how this man was able to brighten her mood with one simple action, even when those actions were rude like flicking her on the forehead.

Inconvenience #3

While waiting for their food, Gajeel and Levy started talking about recent missions and everyday shenanigans from the guild. They were laughing and enjoying their conversation so much that they never noticed they raised their voices slightly.

When the waiter arrived with the first course of their meal, he told them 'politely' to keep their voices down since they were disturbing other customers. At his comment, Gajeel looked at the waiter with eyes that said 'Are you freaking kidding me?'

Levy was sure that the iron dragon slayer was about to say something about that and she wasn't going to stop him since she was also getting very annoyed with the rudeness of the restaurant's employees.

Unexpectedly, Gajeel just crossed his arms over his chest and closed his eyes as if trying to calm himself down. "Tch, fine." He huffed and dismissed the waiter with a lazy wave of his hand. The waiter vowed after setting their plates down and with an unimpressed expression hurried back to the kitchen.

Levy looked at Gajeel in confusion at how calm he was acting with the whole situation; she sure was very angry right now and would be glad to back him up at yelling at the waiter and the other 'disturbed' customers.

On his part, Gajeel looked up at Levy and nodded his head at her, reminding the bluenette that there was a plate of hot soup just in front of her. Without another word, they dug in and kept talking but now in a quieter tone.

'Well, if he's not getting angry at this, maybe I'm reading too much into the situation, right?' Levy thought through a couple of spoonful of delicious soup.

Inconvenience #4

When they were at the second course of the meal, a delicious steak with salad on the side, Levy noticed Gajeel's eyes shifted to one of the tables on his right. He looked tense and Levy swore she saw him clenching his jaw. Gajeel noticed she was staring at him and relaxed once his eyes landed on Levy's concerned gaze. Then, he smirked at her and kept eating his meal as if nothing had happened.

Levy directed her eyes to the same table her boyfriend had been paying attention to see what got him so tense.

That's when she noticed the whispers.

People from around their table were talking in low voices trying to be discrete about the things they were saying. Levy didn't have dragon slayer's hearing, but she managed to catch some hushed words.

Dangerous… scary… uncivilized…

Phantom Lord…

At that, Levy turned her head to her right to look straight at the woman that dared to mention Gajeel's former guild. That's the moment she realized people around them were talking about her and Gajeel, and about Gajeel's past.

They were judging her boyfriend and she was ready to go to the woman's table and give her a piece of her mind.

"How's it?" Gajeel asked in a deep voice and Levy snapped her attention back at him. She looked at him confusedly and he chuckled at her expression. "Yer food, how is it?" He clarified.

"Oh." Levy looked down at her plate and cut down another slice of meat. "It's good." Her voice was devoid of emotion and Gajeel raised an eyebrow at her questioningly.

"What's wrong?"

Levy sighed and placed her fork and knife down. Then, she leaned forward on the table and spoke in a low voice. "Are you hearing all that?" Her eyes showed concern for him. She knew his hearing was sharper than normal people and if she was able to catch some of the whispers, she wondered what else he was hearing.

He chuckled and looked at her with his crimson eyes. "Don't worry about it, Shrimp. Ignore them." He shrugged and continued eating.

"But, Gajeel… They are being very rude…" Levy had been feeling very uncomfortable in the restaurant since entering and the fact that other customers were talking about him just added up to the uncomfortable situation.

"So what? Let them talk… If they wanna pick a fight, I'll give it to them." He grinned mischievously and Levy giggled. She had to give it to him, Gajeel was acting very maturely with the whole situation.

"Always thinking about fighting…" She rolled her eyes but smiled sweetly at him.

"Ya know me. Gihi." He laughed but stopped abruptly and turned his head to his left. Levy followed his gaze and saw two men looking their way and talking about something Levy couldn't hear. She noticed Gajeel narrowed his eyes at them and his expression promised pain to those men for whatever they had said. The men quickly looked down and shut their mouths when they noticed the dragon slayer's glare.

When he stayed like that for a couple seconds more, Levy reached out and placed her hand over his, drawing his attention back to her. "Let them talk." She said in a kind voice and Gajeel's expression showed his surprise on the fact the Levy was using his own words against him. "If they want a fight, we'll give it to them." She winked coquettishly and he grinned back.

Levy knew that those men probably said something about her, since she was sure Gajeel had heard a lot of comments about him but never reacted the way he just did. She found it adorable that he acted nonchalant when people criticized him but if they even dared to say anything about his girlfriend they would be at the receiving end of a deathly glare and probably a strong punch.

The whispers didn't quiet down but Levy decided to ignore them as Gajeel had suggested. She was happy to be with him and she wasn't going to let some strangers ruin their date.

Inconvenience #5 - or as the author likes to call 'the final straw'

As they were waiting for the dessert, Levy started to talk about one of the latest books she had read which narrated a story full of mystery and suspense. Gajeel was so concentrated in hearing her tale that he didn't notice he started to chew on his fork until he was about halfway through the silver cutlery. Levy laughed at his flustered expression and waved it off, saying that they would just pay a little bit extra to replace the fork.

At that moment, the rude waiter appeared at their table and looked at Gajeel disapprovingly. The iron dragon slayer couldn't care less what the waiter thought about him but he looked down in shame for embarrassing Levy in this fancy restaurant.

"Sir, the cutlery is not included in the menu." The waiter shook his head from side to side and stood up straighter. "I'm sorry but I have to ask for both of you to leave immediately."

Levy looked up at him and frowned. "And why is that?" Her tone was even but held some defiance in it which the waiter didn't liked at all.

"For destruction of restaurant's property and for disturbing other customers."

"Oh really?" Levy stood up and crossed her arms over her chest. Somehow, the serene expression on her face showed the anger she had been bottling up up to this moment. It made the waiter swallowed thickly. Gajeel stared expectantly at her for he had no idea what the little bookworm was about to do or say.

"And here we were just thinking about paying for the fork but I guess you don't care about that anymore, do you? And the fact that we're 'disturbing'" she made air quotation marks "other customers is just because they are unable to stay out of other people's conversations!" Levy raised her voice to make sure everyone around her heard her. It worked wonderfully for the patrons in the nearby tables looked at her in shock and fear.

"Miss, you need to calm-"

"No, you're going to listen to me now." Her voice was strong and definite, shutting up the waiter effectively. "You have been very rude to us since the moment we step foot inside your restaurant and I don't care how fancy or popular this place is, you cannot go treating people like that! You're just a bunch of pompous, materialistic and obnoxious bunch of morons!"

"Miss, I suggest you-" The waiter tried to raise his voice but the solid script mage wasn't over with her speech.

"And there's one more thing you must do urgently! So listen carefully: grasp your ears firmly and pull, that way you might just be able to remove your head from your ass! (*)" A sharp intake of air from people around told Levy that her speech had the desired effect. Her face was red in fury as she breathed deeply trying to calm down her racing heart.

"That's enough, miss!" The waiter made a motion to grasp her arm but in a blur of movement, Gajeel was standing between Levy and the waiter.

"Don't even think about it." He growled at the man, promising him a world of pain if he dare to lay a hand on his girlfriend. The waiter visibly shivered in fear and took one step back.

Gajeel smirked at the waiter's reaction and grabbed his jacket from the back of his chair. "We're leaving." He motioned for Levy to grab her purse while he tossed some jewels on the table. The bluenette still looked like she had a lot more things to say to the waiter but did as her boyfriend said and walked out of the restaurant with Gajeel close on her heels.

End of the list of 'inconveniences'. Back to our fuming bookworm and comforting dragon slayer.

Gajeel noticed Levy was still looking down to the ground and sighed for he was getting quite desperate in trying to comfort his girlfriend. "Why are ya so upset? Just forget about them… It's not like ya to be this angry…"

Levy looked up at him and now he understood what the waiter felt at being at the receiving end of her deathly glare. 'Oh crap'

"Me?! Why are you not angry at any of this Gajeel?! You have been acting like a different person this entire night! And I want to know why!" She prodded him on his chest and Gajeel held her at arm's length.

"I- I just wanted to behave during our date! What the fuck is wrong with that?!" He roared but Levy didn't flinch at his response. She didn't believe a word he just said.

"I know you Gajeel Redfox. Now, tell me what is going on!" She crossed her arms over her chest and cocked an eyebrow at him.

Gajeel clenched his teeth in annoyance but he knew she wasn't going to be fooled by him. "Tch. Fine." 

He pulled his left sleeve up and there Levy noticed a rune sequence that circled Gajeel's wrist. She stared at it intently and Gajeel knew he didn't have to explain anything further to his smart girlfriend; she had already figured it out by herself by just looking at the runes.

"Mira?" She questioned and he just nodded confirming her suspicions.

"Threaten to behead me if I didn't use it. And she wasn't talking about the head that's over my shoulders."

"Ugh… un-fucking-believable." Gajeel always loved whenever Levy cursed since it made her look even cuter in his opinion.

It was quite easy to dispel the runes, just one swipe from her magic pen and Levy had the runes vanishing, freeing Gajeel from the written spell. It was an anger-control spell and not very complex, but it helped the one wearing it to keep their temperament on check. Honestly, that was the only reason why Gajeel hadn't punch the waiter in the face or yell at the hostess or even threaten any of the other customers.

Mira got it from Freed and forced Gajeel to wear it.

Levy rubbed her temples in frustration. 'Why does everyone have the need to meddle into our lives?' She thought and looked up at Gajeel who was rubbing his wrist in the place where the runes had been. 

"Better?" she asked him in her sweet and melodic voice.

He grinned at her, noticing that by focusing on something else her anger just started to dissipate. "Yeah, thanks Shrimp."

She beamed at him, proud of being able to help him. She took one step backwards and was about to say 'Anytime' when her right heel got stuck again in the pavement making her lose her footing once more.

Gajeel quickly grabbed her by the waist one more time and prevented her from falling down. As he steadied her, he noticed she started to shake in anger once again and muttered something along the lines of 'stupid shoes' and 'last time I take Lucy and Mira's advice'.

"Alright, time out Shorty." He wasn't going deal with another anger explosion from his girlfriend so Gajeel did what he does best. He hoisted her up on his shoulder and carried her like a sack of potatoes to a nearby bench.

"Put me down, Gajeel!" She hit his back repeatedly with her tiny fists but the dragon slayer didn't let go of her until he reached his destiny. He put her down not so gently on the bench and before she could yelled at him, Gajeel knelt down in front of her, taking in his hand one of her feet.

Levy stared at him in confusion while the dragon slayer carefully examined her shoes. "How much do ya like this shoes?" He asked her and Levy furrowed her brows.

"Hate them with all my gut."

"Gihi, good then."

Snap!

Levy's eyes widened and before she could say anything, she heard another 'Snap!'. She looked at Gajeel who had just removed the high-heels from her shoes. Now, the black stiletto heels were black flats shoes that she found to be much more comfortable and much more like something she would willingly wear on a daily basis.

"Better?" He smirked while she inspected her 'new' shoes with wonder in her eyes. She smiled widely at him and Gajeel felt his heart do a somersault in his chest.

"Yes, thank you!"

He laughed at the irony on how other women would be furious at the mere thought of someone tampering with their shoes, but not his bookworm. No, she was happy to be rid of those high heels and he was glad he played a part on bringing her that happiness.

His laugh was cut short. He choked down while trying to laugh and breathe at the same time. The tightness of his tie didn't help at all to his situation.

Lily had convinced him to wear the black tie to look more elegant but it had been unbearable for Gajeel from the moment he put it on. Not that he isn't used to wearing a tie (heck, he loved his red tie that he uses along with his white suit when performing at the guild) but he was almost certain that the garment was not the right size for him but there was no time for him to go out and purchase another one. So, he got stuck with using the black tie that seemed to have a death grip around his throat.

He tugged at his tie and Levy just noticed how uncomfortable he seemed to be by using it.

"Here, let me help you." She reached out and loosen up the knot on the tie before she took it off from him entirely. Gajeel inhaled and exhaled deeply, feeling relieved to be rid of the constrictive garment.

"Thanks." He smirked and reached out with his hand to ruffle her hair when he stopped just when he was about to place his hand over her head. He had noticed the up-do hairstyle and thought better than to mess up her hair; she probably spent a lot of time fixing it up just for him to mess it up. 'But damn, I really like to ruffle her hair' he thought while he retreated his hand.

Levy noticed this and deflated slightly. Even when she complained every time Gajeel ruffled her hair, she liked his unique way of showing his affection to her. She frowned and an idea struck her then.

"Hey, Gajeel. How much do you like this tie?" She questioned, showing him the black tie in her hands.

Gajeel quirked an eyebrow at her. "I want to burn that shit to ashes and shove it through Lily's throat." He said in all seriousness and Levy laughed at his answer.

"Good. Can I use it then?"

"Uhm, sure…" He answered carefully, not fully understanding what she wanted to do with the hated garment.

With his approval, Levy reached up to her hair and pulled all the bobby pins out, letting her blue curls fall freely. Then, she used her fingers to comb her hair slightly before placing the tie on her hair and tying it like a bandana around her head. It helped to keep her hair out of her face and it made her look cute and pretty. The black makeshift bandana even combined with her outfit.

"So, how do I look?" She tilted her head to the side and looked up at Gajeel.

He felt how his breath got caught up in his throat even when he wasn't wearing the tie anymore. He forced himself to snap out of the stunned state and smiled at her with so much love that Levy's heart fluttered at the sight of his smile.

"Beautiful." His voice was barely above a whisper but she heard him clearly.

Then, Gajeel leaned down and kissed her gently on the lips. Levy melted into the kiss, feeling all the emotions the dragon slayer transmitted by that simple action. It made her feel light headed and she wrapped her arms around Gajeel's neck to make sure she wouldn't fall down from the bench. When he pulled back, his eyes stared deeply into Levy's and she felt how her cheeks reddened by the intensity of his gaze.

He chuckled at her dazed expression. Then, he stood up and offered her his hand to help her up. "Come on, Shrimp."

"Where are we going?" She took his hand and stood up from the bench, immensely grateful to having not to take one more step on those high heels.

"Well, the night isn't over yet and we still have a date to finish, right?" He smirked down at her when she locked her arm with his.

Levy was confused about what he was talking about. She was almost sure they were going to head back home after the disastrous evening, but it was endearing that Gajeel still wanted to have that promised date. She smiled at him and walked by his side, leaning her head on his muscled arm.

This turned out to be the best date ever for both Levy and Gajeel.

An hour after being kicked out of the restaurant, the couple found themselves sitting by the big oak tree at Magnolia Park enjoying each other's company. Levy had in one hand a newly purchased book and the other one was tangled in Gajeel's wild mane. She ran her delicate fingers through his hair in a soothing manner that had the dragon slayer practically purring on her lap.

This, this is what happiness felt like.

She had been reading out loud one of her favorite novels and Gajeel had been enjoying every second of it, admiring the expressions coursing through her face and how she subtly changed her voice whenever a different character was speaking.

The moonlight hit her just in the right angle that made her glow in the darkness of the night. It felt reminiscent as of how Gajeel felt about Levy. She was his light in the darkness that had plagued his life and now, been like this with her, he wondered how he could have lived without her in the first place.

"Why are you staring at me like that?" Levy's voice brought him out of his inner thoughts and he just smirked at her confused expression.

He had been staring at her with his crimson eyes just thinking how fortunate he was to have her in his life. Her, the girl he had hurt in the past, was here loving him for who he was, not expecting him to be someone different, not wanting to go out on fancy dinners or pretending to be someone who he wasn't. She loved him just for who he was, the gruff and brash son of a bitch he was, and he really wondered what the fuck did he do right to deserve such a wonderful person as Levy McGarden.

Levy on her part smiled down at him. He had that look in his eyes that told her he loved her with every fiber of his being. This is all she wanted to do for their date. To be the two of them together and comfortable in each other's company. That's what she loved so much about their relationship. He never expected her to be perfect, or wear fancy clothes or high heels. He loved her as much whenever she wore a sundress as when she wore a sweatshirt. She loved that he never forced her out of her passion for books, instead he encouraged her and willingly stayed by her side until she felt satiated with her reading.

They had a rocky start, there was no denying such a fact. But right now, being gazed down with such fierceness by those ruby eyes, Levy would go through the pain, the struggle a thousand times if it meant she would get another chance to be like this with the man she loved.

Gajeel didn't answer her question and she wasn't expecting him to do so. He just pulled Levy down gently into a chaste kiss and she smiled into his lips. She locked her eyes with his and he lost himself in all the emotions trapped inside those hazel orbs.

"I love you too, silly dragon."

Right now, she felt like the luckiest girl alive and he, well he felt like the luckiest son of a bitch in the whole world.

'Is this how a first date is supposed to feel like?'

Thank you so much for reading! Hope you liked it! Remember to share your thoughts with me on this one [Hehe, sorry it's too long but I had to compensate for making lots of you wait so long for an update]

Couple of author ramblings:

1. I never knew the phrase 'the straw that broke the camel's back'; I was going to use 'the last drop' or 'the drop that spilled the glass' in Inconvenience #5 because in Spanish it is 'la gota que derramó el vaso'. Never heard about the camel before xD sounds funny if you translate it back to spanish.

2. (*) just discovered this phrase ("Grasp your ears firmly and pull, that way you might just be able to remove your head from your ass!") and I couldn't stop myself from using it! Hope I used it right!

3. As mentioned in a previous post in tumblr, I still have one more prompt to go (Grief). The last prompt-Living together inspired me to write a Council series and the one-shot I had planned for that prompt will be used as one of its chapters (hope I'll have more time to write soon so it can be up faster)

Thanks again for reading! One more prompt to go!

WTF (Where's The Food)

[bedlamsbard]

Do you have any advice for coming up with a plot when you already have your setting and characters? I'm not writing a fic but I figured fic writers also have heir characters and setting pre-plot and you're an amazing writer so I thought you'd be a good person to ask?

I’m not sure that I’m going to be particularly helpful here, because I haven’t written original fiction in a while and I’m the kind of fic writer who believes that if fanfic can be completely divorced from the canon, then it’s failed as fanfic, so I’m not sure how much of this is transferable, but these are some of the things I think about as a fic writer who writes primarily plotty fic:

To oversimplify greatly, plot is the pithy description: “The one where X happens.”  (Ex: The plot of Rogue One is the Rebel Alliance stealing the Death Star plans.)

Also: “The one where X happens because of A, B, and C” – “The plot of Rogue One is the Rebel Alliance stealing the Death Star plans because a Rebel intelligence officer and a group of rogues with various ties to the Empire uncovered the existence of the Death Star and decided to find a way to thwart it.”  (Note: This is not the only way to describe the plot of Rogue One.)

Plot is also the progression of events that make up the pithy description: Thing 1 happens, Thing 2 happens, and as a result of these things, Thing 3 happens; meanwhile Thing 4 is happening because it is not at this point affected by Things 1, 2, or 3, but somewhere along the line Thing 72 will not happen unless Thing 4 happens first.

This is the primary way that I plot – I’ll have scenes or images or lines that I write the story to use, and then backtrace to work out what things have to happen for those scenes to occur later on.

Wake the Storm is a good example of this: the two images that I wrote the story for were Anakin crawling through the ventilation shafts on Vader’s star destroyer and Anakin fighting Vader on Mustafar.  So I had to go back and figure out what the sequence of events for those things to happen would be.  (Wake’s a little unusual in that these are beginning and (near) ending scenes; Gambit and Backbone both have keystone scenes that are closer to the middle of the story as well, but Wake didn’t.)

Sometimes your brain is not consciously aware of these things, and you figure it out further down along the line.  Sometimes you’re further down along the line and you go back and reread and go, “huh, if I use X throwaway line, I can do Y main plot point.”

Plot should flow naturally from characters and setting.  Most of the fic I write is in a genre that I call a single-point divergence AU: if one thing goes differently in canon, how does that affect everything that comes afterwards?  Everything is progressive; actions have consequences both immediate and long-term.  Those actions will flow from characters, both from their choices and events that are out of their control.  (And what will be out of one character’s control will not be out of another’s.)

This is essentially the same method that alternate history writers use.  (I’m a historian, so I think about cause and effect a lot.)

I try to have an action plot (the sequence of events) and an emotional plot (the character arcs).  These should be inextricably intertwined and inform each other; the events of one will ultimately not be possible without the other.

Wake has two primary emotional plots: Anakin and OT!Obi-Wan

Backbone has two primary emotional plots: Hera and Cham.

Gambit is a weird case because the action plot and the emotional plot involve separate sets of characters – the action plot is what happens with the Gambitverse characters, and the primary emotional plot is what happens with the Wakeverse characters.  Certainly there are secondary emotional plots for the Gambitverse characters and a secondary action plot for the Wakeverse characters (and the primary action plot affects the Wakeverse characters because they’re present in that ‘verse, but it’s not their action plot), but Gambit was partially an exercise in seeing if I could separate the one from the other.  I can and did, but the effect was to make the story feel slightly lopsided in a way I’m not entirely happy with (but couldn’t avoid without changing the way I approached the story).

I come up with a lot more plots than I actually use, and about 95% of the time, they flow directly from canon because of the kind of stories I gravitate towards telling.  They also tend to be questions that I’m trying to answer.

Some examples:

How would Anakin react to suddenly turning up in the OT era?  (Wake the Storm)

What would the repercussions of this be, both in the OT timeline and in the PT timeline?

How would Ben react to Anakin suddenly turning up? Luke?  Leia?

What if Queen Amidala was the leader of the Confederacy?  (Queen’s Gambit)

What are the events that would lead this to happen?

What are the repercussions of this change, both in the past and present?

How would canon!Padme react to this?

What if Hera and Kanan were Imperials?  (On the Edge of the Devil’s Backbone)

What are the events that would lead this to happen?  Is there a point in canon I can use for this or do I have to make it all up out of whole cloth?

How this does effect other characters and events in the Rebels timeline?  Other characters and events in the saga timeline? (A.k.a. how important are the Ghost crew, anyway? – Remember that Backbone was plotted immediately after S1.)

What if Obi-Wan a Sith lord?  (All Along the Watchtower; planned)

What are the events that would lead this to happen?

What are the long- and short-term repercussions of this?

What if Anakin didn’t go dark side and survived Order 66? (What is Lost)

This isn’t a great example because I wrote this literally ten years ago and remember none of my thought process, and would do it differently today.

What if Obi-Wan was a woman?  (Oxygen & Rust)

What does this change in the saga?

The way that characters interact with her – how does that change the events of the saga?

Here’s an example from a TCW story that I partially plotted a few years ago, but didn’t end up writing:

In “The Unknown”, Tup reacts to Tiplar and Tiplee as Jedi, but seems unaware of Anakin, suggesting that Anakin may have been specially programmed into the chips not to be an Order 66 victim.

What if more clone chips started malfunctioning and all the Jedi were targeted except Anakin?

The most dramatic way for this to happen would be in a group setting, so that it’s immediately evident to other Jedi that Anakin isn’t being targeted.

That’s going to look suspicious as hell and the other Jedi are probably going to take Anakin into custody.

Let’s have Obi-Wan be injured in this attack and out of the picture, so Anakin feels trapped and alone.

Palpatine is pissed off because this isn’t playing into his plans at all, so he’s revising and improvising on the fly.

If all of the sudden Jedi can’t trust their clones, then that’s going to have massive effects on the war – a.k.a., the Separatists can suddenly make a huge push forward.  What if Dooku starts taking the war seriously?

Anakin’s an enterprising sort and after what happened with Ahsoka, he doesn’t have a whole lot of reason to trust the Order in this scenario, so it makes sense that he would escape.  (Maybe Palpatine helps to engineer this, because it’s easier for him to have Anakin loose than in prison.)

There ought to be a clone in here, make it Rex, who was aware of what happened with Tup and Fives.  He teams up with Anakin.

Rex is going to be wary of having that thing in his head and Anakin needs proof, so they need to find someone to remove it.

How is Padme going to react to all this?  Anakin doesn’t want to actively involve her, but he also wants to let her know that he’s all right.

Anakin escaping makes the Jedi Council pretty sure he’s guilty, but after Ahsoka they’re feeling burned, so maybe they proceed with more caution.

At this point Palpatine doesn’t have many options as Supreme Chancellor other than making Anakin look guilty; as Sidious this is an opportunity for him to recruit Anakin.

It would make sense for Anakin to contact Ahsoka to have an ally outside the Order, especially if she’s still on Coruscant.

at this point I stopped plotting this story out.  I never had an ending.

(this was originally supposed to be my cool down story after Queen’s Gambit; I wrote Backbone instead)

Here’s a link to some writing meta that I like (and which influenced me a lot when I was younger – you’ll note that this is where I got the terms “action plot” and “emotional plot” from).  Her 10 minute AU is essentially the same as my single point divergence AU, but she breaks it down better than I do.  (ETA: I want to clarify that I don’t agree with Synecdochic on everything, but I really can’t deny that a lot of this was pretty crucial to my development as a plot writer.)

This isn’t really helpful insofar as coming up with ideas goes, because when it comes to original fic, that’s…what I don’t write and haven’t written for a while, because I’m so used to bouncing directly off canon for ideas.  When I do write original fic, I have a tendency to mash stuff together – “classic urban fantasy + ancient Rome,” “traditional high fantasy + modern urban setting,” “prison hulks + space,” “New Orleans-inspired + WWII + magic” – and see what that gets me.  If it’s something like a genre – urban fantasy, high fantasy, prison break – then I look at what the common tropes for that genre are and how they function in a different setting.  And hope that something shakes loose.  (I haven’t done originals in a couple of years, and the last time I was working on one I was co-writing.  Which is a whole different thing.)

Hopefully there’s some food for thought here!

[blackgirlsuperherorants]

T’Challa is the only logical character in Civil War.

Period.

Listen. I love T’Challa, but he’s not my fave. I’m just always defending him on here because y’all Marvel fans constantly shit on him. 

Steve Rogers is my fave (and Storm, but she’s not MCU, so Steve in MCU.)

Steve Rogers makes more sense than Tony. But Steve Rogers is also illogical as hell in Civil War. Falcon... has a reason for not wanting to sign the accords, but he follows Steve a lil too blindly, too. The fuck is Ant-Man even involving himself. 

Okay, Clint feels like he owes Wanda because her brother saved his life, so he’s logical.

Vision, literally the most logical character in the MCU, makes NO SENSE in his support of the accords. The first thing out of his mouth is correlation as causation, which is illogical. Just because more world ending events happened after the supers appeared doesn’t mean they happened BECAUSE of the supers. Loki didn’t come to Earth BECAUSE of Iron Man (Cap’s only adventure prior to that was in WWII, Hulk’s adventure wasn’t world-ending, and Thor and Loki already have had adventures on Earth/Midgard, long before Thor’s first film.) Loki came to Earth because he had some convoluted idea to take it over, out of Thor’s protection. THANOS will arguably come for Earth because of the Avengers/supers, but that hasn’t even happened, yet. So, yeah, Vision is using first-year philosophy major logic, which is fine because he’s a baby, but still.

(To be fair, Ultron was Tony’s fault a little bit, and the events of Thor: The Dark World were kinda Thor’s fault.)

Spidey isn’t logical, either. He just blindly follows Tony, not even knowing what he’s fighting for. 

Natasha, maybe, is just still trying to find the good side. She feels guilty about her past, and is always trying to be on the right side. So, maybe, the accords feel right, to her. 

Rhodey is similar. He’s very “soldier” and “patriot” and has always tried to steer the Avengers and Tony to the “legal” side, even sometimes to his detriment. (Iron Man 2, entrusting Tony’s Iron Man tech to Justin Hammer.)

T’Challa IS seeking revenge, but his makes the most sense in the movie. And when he realizes his rage was 1) sort of unwarranted and 2) completely misplaced, he self-corrects. Without any instruction, coercion, or suggestion from anyone else. He apprehends Zemo and takes him into custody. He takes Bucky to Wakanda to try to help him deprogram. He doesn’t turn Cap in to the authorities for trying to apprehend Zemo. He maybe even sees to it that Tony gets home safely (this is just speculation, but everyone else got where they are because of T’Challa, so it seems likely that he helped Tony get home, too, because Tony’s suit is wrecked.)

So, yeah, spare me your rants about why T’Challa was bad, or just as bad as Tony, or mean for going after Bucky, or any of that reductive bullshit. The screenwriters actually did a good job with his arc in the film. He reluctantly supports the Accords with his father T’Chaka. When T’Chaka is killed, he seeks his killer, to “kill him (him)self.” When he finds Barnes, he immediately springs into action. When they are all apprehended by the UN team/the Avengers, he lets them take over. When he escapes again, he tries to stop him. When they meet at the airport, he tries to stop him. When he finds out where Steve took him, he follows Tony to find him and stop him. When he overhears their conversation with Zemo, he realizes he has had the whole thing wrong. Then he realizes he’s only been thinking about vengeance, and seeks justice instead. The writers did an excellent job with him. He’s purposefully paralleled to Steve and Tony, in that way. Steve and Tony have both lost someone. They both are in pain. They react to it in justified but illogical ways. T’Challa has lost someone. He is in pain. He reacts to it in a justified way, but begins to see the error of his ways and tries to handle it the right way. He’s PURPOSEFULLY written that way in the movie, to show how extreme both Tony and Cap are acting. I still think Steve is more right than Tony, but he handled being right in such a poor way. And Tony, at the end, just goes off the deep end. Which, again, is understandable, but in no way logical or justified, at that point.

(Although, that’s arguable. It’s a great question to pose, though. Is James Barnes responsible for what The Winter Soldier did? That’s actually the question posed in ‘The Trial of Captain America.’ Which was a fun read.)

Anyway, yeah, T’Challa wins the Civil War, for me. And I think this movie sets him up to be VERY integral to the future of the MCU- as a more steady leader than both Tony and Steve. Which is awesome. 

So, stop trying to downplay him or demonize him, because you’re actually wrong, and that’s not what the writers were actually trying to do with him. 

Fin.