#it’s not like ive got bad memories there. it’s an old lady house but still perfectly put together

[pandrewlin]

New writing in this old ancient thing-

Been a while since ive writen something here. About 2 years i believe. Alot of new things since then and I'll try to write them all best to my memory.

We got a powerline up, then took it down, then put it up again. Made some batteries then some more then destoryed them all. We couldnt figure out a way to stop the rain from breaking them and i was tired of remaking them over time. We switched from basic generators to industrial ones. Now we have an excess of power rather than none.

Speaking of power and making stuff, the old workshop is still around but not used a lot anymore. Before it was fitted with only 2 stonecutters. Now we made a new workshop that is bigger and has actual tool cabinets to speed work up. It fits 4-6 stonecutters.

Next to the stone worshop is a boarding house. I remember i said something about making one a while ago wellllll, that one didnt work out and now just like most things theres a new one. It fits 15 to 18 beds and everyone has a end table. A but of an overkill and maybe fitting that many people into a room is bad but they have 2 sculptures which apparently makes them happy enough to keep working for us.

The old workshop has a tailor bench, art bench, and biofuel refinery.

The biofuel renfinery takes us to the plant fields where we have 3 big fields of peanuts, corn, and strawberries. Which makes a very big overflow of raw food and fruits that we then sell, cook, or turn into fuel for the generators. Even with all that we still regularly have over 3000+ raw food st all times nowadays so if anything happens we'll survive starvation at least.

The raw plants get taken into the freezer which the cooks work all day to turn them into meals for everyone to eat. Which is definitely overdone too since we have 273 simple meals and 26 veg fine meals. Only wade knows how to make the lavish ones but the others will get there surely with all the meals they make. The freezer is regularly overrun and we are currently implementing some shelves in there to help control the large amounts of food.

The fields are getting a pathway of cobblestone done to inprove walk speeds through them. Glad that my husband no longer has to walk through the tall grass to reach them.

We have an actual properish research lab up. It has 4 research benchs in there and each has a comfy soft sheep armchair to relax on as people study how to make our lives better here.

Speaking of sheep and wool, that brings us to the animal pen. Just one and its bigger than anything else we have currently probably. It holds the muffalos, sheep, and alpacas. Only the sheep are capable of breeding and um thats no longer an option i guess. The other animals are all female and the sheep were 3 ladies and a ram that we got as a gift i think. The ram is dead because Lifan killed it.......

We have a church/gallery. The richest and prettiest building we have made so far. Its to be used for festivals and the like and converting people.

Right next to it/in it is the throne room holding me and Gregoria's thrones. It also holds the statue of truth which stands in the middle of the room and holds a beauty like no other. I wish i had the words to describe it all but i wanted this to be more of a collection of what we have and not me rambling on and on about paintings and statues.

Up there near the church we have a warehouse that holds EVERYTHING for the colony. Wood, stone blocks, weapons, wool and cloth, clothing, money, and even the chemfuel. (Probably a bad idea but i personally couldnt care if most of the stuff burns in there. Its got like 50 shelves in

there and its mostly unorganized but ive tooken the liberty of at least arranging the weapons and stone blocks away from everything else.

The old house is still up.....kinda. I will make up a blueprint to demolish it and build it back up to actually house guests and companions someday but not anytime soon at least. Its got a few guest rooms near it and the guests are free to eat and buy whatever meals or supplies they want and can find. Havent gotten any problems with it before so why fix something that isnt broken.

Well actually there was this one time we had several guests keep buying up all the baby food instead of the meals we had which lead to a slight feeding problem.

Theres the kitchens near the fields and that fits 4 stoves and it needs to be slightly expanded to fit some more sinks in there.

We have plans to take down the two trap defenses we have and make proper openings to the colony. We'll have one at the south western wall near the animal pen and then another on the northeastern wall. Put some barricades and sandbags for our shooters and then some traps to keep the animals out.

I think thats about everything we have building and room wise.

That now brings us to people and stuff. This will be fun.

First off we have Kurthos and me. Been married about 3-4 years now and hopefully a long long time in the future. We have 2 kids and honestly....might be expecting another in a while. Been real peaceful and defenses will be doubled in a while so why not.

Our first kid, Michelangelo or Angel as we call him, is 8 i think now. He's got a passion for speaking and mining(he's just like me) but he's more of a follower of the goddess then any of us i think. He tries to convert all the other kids and that leads him to fights and tussles with them. He's a decent fighter though, a little bit of training and a weapon and i might let him out the walls to fight against the squirrels and rats around here.

Our second kid, Anyisha, is a darling. She's a pure daddy's girl though thats primarily my fault as i was never quite there after her birth. Thats what traveling the world searching for a relic and only coming back for a quick kiss and hug from your husband and more supplies will do to ya i guess. She's got an intrest in planting i think, and she loves watching the researchers in the lab. She'll do well in the future im sure.

Then there's Gregoria, my sister who we met and hosted when i found her in the empires databases. She stayed with us which im happy for because we need all the hands we can. And we can feed more so why not house more🤷🏽‍♀️.

Wade and MJ are happily married with their two kids. MJ insisted on having her second almost nearly as soon as she came back from her first birth. Both still newborns though Lenny, the first born, is almost a toddler. Hanno is the second born, both boys. MJ wants to try for a third and a girl but Wade knows she already has her hands full with 2. She's been going so crazy trying to care for them that most of the time she's just breastfeeding them or moving them in and out the nursery because she swears even one degree too hot is too much for the kids.

Theres Dolores/Glasses. She is Wade's greataunt making her my.......great great great aunt or sum like that. Shes our main researcher and does a pretty mean job with her gun. Also a decent cook whenever she has time for it.

Thats all the family though. The servants are another whole thing-

Sanna- The main spreader of our goddess belief. She has a more of a knack for convincing people than me. She's a cook and an awesome fighter. Though she's old as bones so she stays in the kitchen more times than not.

Katyusha- main gardener and creates art statues for the buildings. Shes got a natural talent for melee fighting but if only she had more experience.

Homann/Hailey- Second gardener and our second nurse. She's a night owl so shes good for making sure no one dies overnight because when MJ goes to sleep not even a raid can wake her up.

Sarai-A kid that decided to stay from a refugee group. Shes a little sweetheart and shes got a heart and the hands for making things so she might be our main builder in the future.

Lifan- a poor sad boy. He got changed into a mushroom fungoid after a fight and its had his upsides and downsides for him. He lost his wife in that fight and got the sad news that he is now stertile too. Him and his wife were trying for a child and he's always wanted to be a father. His aunt has come and i hope she can brighten his mood again. The upside to his transformation is that now he's basically a walking super soldier. He was already really strong before but now that he's also a psycaster(maining fire and warlord) and he has sick natural armour and healing abilities, he's overpowered as ever. Plus he can only die if you cut off his head or neck. Used to think those fungi things were disgusting but Lifan is a pretty uhhhhh strong dude so hes fine in my book.

[jullieeinwonderland]

I remember the day I got the news my best friend died of Cancer. Christmas Day… I wish I could easily forget the way her mom was screaming crying, the crack in her sisters voice when she told me… the way her whole family looked the day of her funeral. The way her daughter kept leaning toward the casket to get close to her mommy one last time. I remember literally sitting there numb & blank for hours after the news. When it finally hit me, I cried for days straight, every single night. Even tho, I seen her get sealed into the wall, I seen her in a casket , it felt unreal. I wanted her to wake up , I wanted it to be a joke, I wanted her to pull through so badly. It took me months to wrap my head around the fact I’d never hear her infectious laugh, or hear her voice, or see her beautiful face ever again. It’s been 2 years & I still expect a call on my birthday, I still wanna text her to ask how her n her daughter are doing or to see my phone light up with her name on it. This is a death, I lie n say Ive accepted , I say it’s fine , I’m over it but truthfully, I don’t think there will be a day I don’t wish I could just go to her house , lay on her bed n talk for hours or just to simply call her. It’s a death that hurts me deep into my soul cause we were connected by the soul since the 6th grade when I met her. That was my soul sister, not just my best friend. She knew every secret, ever scar, every detail about me but most importantly accepted me fully for who I was, what I came from & who I grew to be all the years we were friends n I accepted her. I didn’t care when she lost her hair, or lost weight, I didn’t care she had cancer… I still seen her as the same person till the very end. The day she passed she definitely took a large piece of me with her. There’s not a day that goes by, I don’t replay her voice , her laugh , all our crazy memories in my head cause I’m utterly terrified to forget it all. This is the girl that brought me a pan of heart shaped brownies & a jar of pickles to school on Valentine’s Day for me, the girl that always came through for me, the girl that gave me a safe place to be when I didn’t have one at home. The one that taught me true friendship & what a true friend is. One the realest people on my team. The sweetest person I’ve ever came across. To know her was to love her. She touched peoples hearts, she loved everyone around her so deeply, I always aspired to be more like her. I always looked up to her even tho she was younger than me. I always rooted for her, I wanted to see her go to college, I wanted to see her raise her daughter. I wanted to see her live life. I wanted to be old ladies in rocking chairs with her like we said we would be. Cancer robbed her of all that. Robbed all of us of her beautiful presence. I’ll miss her forever, & I really do hope maybe, one day just maybe; I’ll be okay with her death & one day it won’t hurt so bad just to think about her or speak out on her name n all our experiences together. I know she’s dancing in the sky, & I know she’s living her next life but I’m selfish.. I want her back.

[orcelito]

I think one of the most fascinating things about my dreams is the fact that there are reoccurring locations in the dreams.

Not like places I know in real life, though there are a few of them that occur somewhat regularly. But places my mind just... fabricated, that it decides to go back to.

I have an abandoned house with long corridors that has been the source of several creepy dreams. I have a weird... tower of sorts, in a city, that has been the location of both a dinosaur attack and an anime convention (in different dreams). I have a pseudo-Boston, where I know it’s Boston (in the way that dreams are), but none of the buildings are actually ones in Boston... but I’ve been to these made up buildings several times, in a variety of dreams.

There are more, but these r just examples. It’s weird to experience a dream and realize upon waking that I had been there before. Especially when they are dramatically different dreams, but for some reason taking place in the same location.

[clearlyshyobservation]

Kokichi is dying (V3 chatfic, no particular ship)

TW: Infers abuse, talks about ableism, neglect, panic attack pretty much, depression, self loathing. never being good enough

i am so sorry but vr au's need to be sad, love yall :)

(Background info: This is set in a vr au, they are not with their fake memory parents (Ie; kaito's kind grandparents) but rather why they really have)

(Also i have no fucking clue what ship i was going for???? pretty sure they are all on the table, and kokichi talks like an idiot in this and i love it. Gonta's writing is based off of his Japanese talking style, so no more caveman talking).

USERNAMES:

(Space monkey: Kaito, Detective pikachu: shuichi, Elton john: kaede, Antman: gonta, Mr. Gonstealyoman: korekiyo, Atua's bitch: angie, emoboi: ryoma, be-boop: kiibo, bread roll: Maki, cum dumpster: miu, mommy: kirumi, Gremlin: Kokichi)

TLDR: Chaos ensues, slight angst

Gremlin: omfg im fucking sicK im gonna fucking die i bet this was kaitos bitch ass fault for coughing on me with his tuberculosis headass gROSSSSS I HATE EVERYTHINGGG

Space Monkey: i-

Space monkey: I didn't get you sick dumbass,,,, my tb is fugckin cured bi-

Bread roll: he's dramatic and gross dont believe him

Gremlin: yall mean for what?

Gremlin: i have a life taking disease and yall laughing i- 

Gremlin: see you at my funeral bitch

Detective pikachu: What are you sick with then

Gremlin: anythong bitch, im the universe

Antman: He sounds delusional, thats not good

Detective pikachu: He's always delusional, he's Kokichi

Mr. gonstealyoman: I guess this name is better than my old one

Mr. gonstealyoman: thank you kokichi :) I am glad we have come to an understanding

Gremlin: kay sexy

Gremlin: IGNRE WHAT I JUST SENT

Gremlin: IGNORE IT IGNORE IT IGNORE ITTTTT

Antman: who was that for???

Gremlin: NO ONE,,, 

Gremlin: Okay,,, maybe sexy tall men in general lowkey

Gremlin: okay,,,, maybe anyone over 6 feet 

Detective pikachu: i feel excluded

Detective pikachu: good, i don't like you kokichi, your an ass

Gremlin: u sound jelly shumaiiiiii

be-boop: perhaps he is telling the truth, you know,

be-boop: according to my data, in chapter four Shuichi stated that you will never have friends, and no one will ever like you

Gremlin: SHUT THE FUCK UP STOP MAKING ME FEEL BADBSKVKHDVKDSKJV

Antman: do you need me to come over? I can make you tea?

mommy: Do you know how to do that, Gonta? I can teach you?

Antman: Gonta does know, thank you very much. 

Antman: Gonta is not a child, Tojo-chan, please don't regard me as one

Antman: Gonta can cook, can clean, can be gentle, and has his own mind

Space monkey: but we're just making sure man, cuz, you know,,,, chapter 4

Antman: I am capable of things just like you!!!!!

Antman: Gonta doesn't know why you guys treat me like a child :(

Gremlin: yeah, hot stuff over there is basically a prodigy homies

Antman: Gonta is dumb though, don't say that.

Antman: Gonta is no prodigy, in fact, he is below average in everything

Gremlin: Whats ur test scores bitch

Antman: Gonta got a 98 on my english test,, but i wanted a 100, which would make Gonta actually smart :( 

Antman: Gonta is not good enough to be friends with you all

Antman: I can do basic stuff like tojo said...

Antman: maybe i do need help?

Antman: im not sure anymore:((((

Gremlin: THEY ARE ABLEIST GONTA,,, THEY FEEL SUPERIOR FOR TREATING UUUUU LIKE A CHILD

Detective pikachu: You sound really delusional Kokichi, maybe you should get sleep

Gremlin: S T F U, IM SPITTING ST8 FACTS BITCH

Detective pikachu: Sure you are. Now get some rest. 

Gremlin: GRRRR WHY WONT YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU IDIOTS??

Bread roll: Cause your stupid and aggressive

Gremlin: your personality, basically?

Bread roll: shut up at least i have a boyfriend

Gremlin: Technically, you just stole my frienemy 

Gremlin: Yall do be avoiding each other doe

Space Monkey: WE ARE NOT

Gremlin: Yeah yeah

Gremlin: yesterday i saw you to enter the same cafe by accident, duck your heads, then sit across the cafe from each other, all while  avoiding eye contact

Gremlin: Soooo,,, things not going well in paradise?

Detective pikachu: you're nosy

Gremlin: says the literal detective 

Space monkey: everythings fine your just a dickkkk

Gremlin: "oooo! Im momo-chan, i say bad word and go brrrrr"

Space monkey: im going to fucking stab him 

Gremlin: You cant, ive already enslaved you with my chaotic, yet cute hijinks, havent i~

Space monkey: STOP STOP NO NOT THE SQUIGLY

Gremlin: is it the sex? WHY DONT YOU MAKE EYE CNOTACT WITH UR LADY NO MORE 

Space monkey: ITS NOT THE SEX I HATE YOU

Gremlin: im free by the way at 8 ;)

Bread roll: STOP trying to steal my boyfriend kokichi, ive told you this before

Bread roll: NO

Bread roll: BODY

Antman: Gonta interrupts to say, Gonta loves you kokichi, and we should get flowers together, than maybe we can prank some people :D 

Bread roll: Ive never wanted to stab you more, gonta

Gremlin: I'd enjoy that very much, fine fellow ;)

Gremlin: but idk,,,, can you like take care of me first, cuz IM SICK BECAUSE OF KAITO TUBERCULOSIS ASS

Space monkey: I DONT HAVE TB ANYMORE

Gremlin: SURE YOU DONT 

Space monkey: I DONT

Gremlin:  BUT GUESS WHAT

Gremlin: YOU STILL SMOKE DUMBASS AND THATS NOT GOOD FOR U OR YOUR TUBERCULOSIS

Detective pikachu: He smokes?

Atua's bitch: he does, i walked in on him in the bathroom lmao

Atua's bitch: he was scared shitless and threw it out the window, needless to say atua does nt approve

Gremlin: DO YOU EVEN HAVE THE VACCINE????

Space monkey: Uh,,, i was taught vaccines were bad, so no i don't have the vaccine

Gremlin: I HATE OLD PEOPLE

Gremlin: ABOLISH OLD PEOPLEEEE

Gremlin: THEY SPREAD MISINFORMATION AND IT PHISCALLY HURTS ME TO SEEEEEE

Space monkey: your dramatic, it cant be that bad

Gremlin: say that when you catch it again

Gremlin: i swear you coughed on me like,,,, 5 weeks ago tho

Antman: OOOO! Fun fact: Tuberculosis can lay dormant from 3 months to a few years! 

Space monkey: u guys are just trying to scare me

Bread roll: Just checked the chat after using the br and,,m YOUDONT HAVE YOU VACCINES???

Detective pikachu: Im sorry, but kaito, please,,,,, for the love of god get vaccines

Space monkey: alright alright, ill do it cuz you guys are all on my case and i don't like being the villain :(

Gremlin: Im so happy i have gonta with me rn, he is making me tea while yall rot in your distant ass relationship (THIS IS FOR YOU KAITO)

Space monkey: Im going to destroy your bloodline in about three seconds if you dont stfu right fucking now

Gremlin: Hhehe i have an inaprwopwiate joke uwu

emoboi: STOP PLEASE DEAR GOD

cum dumpster: wHAt Is iT YOU WHORE

Gremlin: i was gonna say wouldn't he need to like,,,, have sex with my family to weed out my bloodline or something??

cum dumpster: i-

cum dumpster: Why am i acting surprised, ive watched porn with more extravagant plots than this

cum dumpster: ie; are you guys FUCKING? RIGHT INFRONT OF MY SALAD??? is one i will cherish with my soul

emoboi: hehe why did she point out the salad

Space monkey: I hate u kokichi, i truly do

Gremlin: I bet if you got the chance u would kiss me space boy :P

Bread roll has left the chat

Space monkey: o god is she ddoing one of those bf loyalty tests or smthing???

Space monkey: now im nervous lmao

Gremlin: why you so nervous stupid~~~~

Gremlin: It not like ur cheating on her homie

Space monkey: It's just a placebo effect

Gremlin: My brain feels fried Momo-chan,, i don't understand big boy words right now

Space monkey: Basically, if you take a pill that doesn't do anything but you don't know that and believe it does, you will scientifically start to feel better

Gremlin: first and only time saying this, but thank you 

Space monkey: HEHEHEB YOU SAID THANK YOU YOU SAID THANK YOUYOU SAID THANK YOUYOU SAID THANK YOUYOU SAID THANK YOU

Gremlin: Kaito,,, imma need you to do me a favor and look up on your ceiling

Space monkey: i hate you, idk what it is, but i hte you

Gremlin: good <3

Space monkey: HE REPLACED ALL MY THE STARS ON MY CELING WITH FUCKIBG DICKSSS

Space monkey: THIS IS THE LST FUCKING STRAW IM GONNA LOSE IT

Space monkey: IF MY GRANDPARENTS SEE THIS BULLSHIT THEY ARE GOING TO KILL ME, SLAP ME, MAYBE BREAK MY NECK AND DESTROY MEE

Space monkey: Im GENUINLEY panicing HOW TF am i gona get this off my wal???? They are going to bbat me senselpess help me shUichi

Detective pikachu: o god, i can sense the sheer pain and scaredness in  that tet, 

Detective pikachu: are you for real gong to get hurt or are you pulling a kokichi?

Space monkey: FUCKING HELP ME IM NOT FUCKING JOKINGKABKCB HELP THEY ARE NOT HOME RN THEY ARE LIKEE,,,, 40 MINUTES AWAY PLEASEE 

Gremlin: okay,,, maybe this wasn't the best prank.,,, i guess i'll help clean up cuz im not that much of a sociopath

Gremlin: tbh my parents can go shove it too lowkey terrible 0/10 

Space monkey: AHHHH IM SO SCARED PLS PSL GET HERE FAST

be-boop: Of course, i will come, i will survey the outside of the house

Antman: Gonta is coming too! We will get this done in under 40 minutes!

Space monkey: OKAY

Gremlin: Lowkey, if i cough on you ignore it bitch your the one who made me like this

Space monkey: W HA TDONT COUGH ON ME IM NOT SICK ANYMORE

Gremlin: I will give you TB again just cuz your making me suffer

Space monkey: Suffer what??? putting dicks on my FUCKING WALL???

Gremlin: Guilt, idiot, im feeling guilty. 

cum dumpster: oof thats new

emoboi: yeah i wasn't expecting it

Mr.gonstealyoman: Me neither. It is rather peculiar seeing it being texted by him because he is always feels not guilty of his bad actions.

be-boop: I do believe he means it, though...

emoboi: impossible.

cum dumpster: i agree, literally impossible.

Gremlin: I HAVE A FUCKIBG SOUL YOU CRazY CONSPIRACISTS

Antman: Quick question, shuichi can i stay with you again? It'll be dark when i get home and gonta can't do that so,,, please help

Detective pikachu: my parents are like blank slates, who eat slowly, watch tv slowly, and never look at me. Im sure they wouldn't mind :P

Antman: ALRIGHT! :D LETS GET MISSION: MR. MOMOTA ROOM REPAIR DONE!

Gremlin: ooo! I like the name! IM INNNN! 

Detective pikachu: On it!

be-boop: Ready for look out!

Space monkey: I love you guys :)

AN: Im lowkey sorry i ended this chaotic mess with angst,,,, but like fr i love it i love angst,, i hate reading it but love writing it

[pondermoniums]

A little post season 3 ficlet (2749 words) featuring some holiday fluff <3 See tags or read on ao3 here ~

• • • •

Billy still feels it. He wishes his muscle memory had died with him, but it just came back with him too.

The things he felt.

The things It felt.

Everything It made him do.

His psychiatrist tries to tell him that his scars are his body claiming his soul back. Billy couldn’t agree. He didn’t like touching the starbursts on his torso because the shiny scar flesh felt tissue-paper thin—not to his fingertips, but underneath. His heart trembled as if he could just push a little too hard, and enter his ribs—

“Hey, the new place opened up off Main Street. You know those new roads they’re building? There’s already a Greek place there. Let’s get a menu.”

Billy frowned at him. Steve Harrington. He’d been at the mall. Billy didn’t remember seeing him…during…but afterward. In the spotty shreds of memory that were all his own, he remembered Steve looking nearly as bad as he felt. The memories swirled together like a circus dream. Steve and…Robin. Her name is Robin…in striped costumes. Steve carried Max away from his body. Robin practically did the same for the girl with a number for a name. All of them glowed with Starcourt neon pink and purple and red.

Steve’s car hummed around them, and fell silent when he turned onto the fresh asphalt of Hawkins’ new road. Steve laughed a little. “Farmer Higgins is probably still fuming. Last thing the mayor did before he got booted out of here was steal land for these businesses.”

“What’s it matter?” Billy exhaled. There were less people in Hawkins to fuel the shady economy anyway.

“Well I can’t speak for your Camaro, but my car doesn’t last long, driving brodies with trees in the way.”

His little sapphire. A dark mixture of humor and apathy seeped into his blood at the memory of Steve Harrington, of all people, slamming into him. He didn’t do it hard enough.

Now he sat in the car Steve drove. Not because the Camaro couldn’t be fixed, but because Billy wasn’t fit to drive yet. Maybe there was something full-circle about it. Or a broken circle; an open-ended thing, like Billy.

“As if you could do a brody.”

Steve smirked. “Thankfully I’ve ruined enough fields for practice.”

And then he pulled right off the road, slipped through a tiny thicket of trees framing the road, and burst upon a dry, yellow field. He turned sharply, throwing Billy against him…until the car locked into a paradox of calm and chaos. The back wheels revolved around them to dig a doughnut in the earth. Steve let the wheel go, and they rocked as the car jerked with the front tires straightening.

Steve looked around them to find the road again and made a mock sound of getting sick. “Glad we didn’t eat first.”

He grinned at Billy, making him realize a smile had stuck on his face like a cramped muscle. He pushed a hand over his mouth, physically melting it off.

The food was good. The flavors shoved their way over his pallet. It was kind of hard to enjoy food now. He ate when his body needed it but he didn’t get the emotional reaction to it—

“I didn’t know we had Greeks in Hawkins,” Steve conversed openly. A small, lost part of Billy remembered Steve calling him out for being mouthy during basketball, but Steve could talk. He wiped his mouth and dug back into his rice plate. “Then again, Robin and Dustin always have something to say about authenticity. Like you spend a day outside of Indiana and you’re worldly.”

“Did you forget where I’m from?” Billy spoke before he meant to. California didn’t seem to matter much any—

“Did you?” Steve tossed back.

Silence fell over their booth while Steve waited. Then he went back to his food when Billy clearly didn’t care about responding.

Over and over again.

Steve picked Billy up.

Hospital.

Food.

Back to Cherry Lane.

Steve talked. Sometimes Billy replied.

Then things began to change. Steve took Billy to the grocery store after Billy’s therapy. Billy had emerged ruddy-eyed liked he smoked a pound of weed, and Steve had merely said, “I’m feeling tacos.”

Only instead of a restaurant, he took them to the store. And then the Harrington house. Billy talked more there.

“No, no, it’s queso fresco.”

“It’s just cheese, though?”

“Jesus, it’s like I’m the one who grew up with farmers. Different rain waters different grass. That makes different cows, which make different milk. Do you know anything about breweries?”

“Do you?” Steve challenged while they made a mess of his kitchen counter. Crumbles of white cheese, lettuce, and other tacos toppings littered the fancy granite.

“I know that breweries stay put. Because the water’s different. They have to have the right water to make the right beer. I haven’t had my favorite lager since I moved here.”

“What’s it taste like?”

Billy told him. Billy told him a lot of things. Steve just…got a rise out of him the way his therapist couldn’t. Then again, Steve never asked about all the things Billy wanted to burn out of his brain.

Then Cherry Lane fell off the list. Billy couldn’t say how exactly he moved into Harrington’s house. Maybe the food flowed into Billy falling asleep, and starting the next day from Steve’s house just happened too many times. Maybe Max used Steve’s pool too many times. Maybe it was when Billy realized Steve wasn’t just driving him to his physical and mental therapy sessions.

He walked out of the physical therapy gym at the back of the hospital to meet Steve in the same lobby they parted ways in. But Steve wasn’t there. Billy asked the nearby receptionist if “the guy with the hair” had gotten lost to the bathroom, but she only replied, “He’s running a little overtime, but he should be on his way.”

Billy’s appointments took hours. It made sense for Steve to leave and come back—

But the elevator dinged, and Steve was too busy reading something to not walk into a passing nurse. “Oh! Ow—sorry! Sorry,” he exclaimed, holding his arm…

He rolled the shoulder of that arm on the way through the parking lot, swinging the arm round and around like he was warming up for tennis. Inside the car, Billy cornered, “What were you doing in there?”

Steve glanced at him but shrugged as he turned the ignition. “Blood work. An IV drip. MRI’s. My usual stuff. The drip took longer this time.”

“Usual stuff? How come I’m just now hearing of this?”

“Remember, Robin used to meet us here? She got cleared faster.”

“Cleared out of what? How are you more broken than she was?”

Steve stared at him for an unnerving minute. “They…kind of beat the shit out of me. So… I mean, you pack a wallop, but Russians with an agenda put you to shame.”

Billy suddenly wondered if he’d overstepped a boundary. Steve just talked so much, and took whatever Billy gave him without flinching that he never considered…

“Getting concussed and doped up with unknown chemicals isn’t everyone’s normal Thursday.”

Billy had forgotten that Steve had been through shit like this before. Not with the same variables, but… “I forget that your normal got thrown out the window before I got here.”

“It’s not a competition,” Steve tried to say lightly. He waved a hand in front of the vents as if their lingering in the parking lot was just to wait for the heating to kick on.

“And if it is, who’d win?”

“Oh, I think Will Byers has us beat.”

That…hit differently than Billy expected. A laugh burst out of him, like it had just been waiting for a weight to lift off of him to break free. “Yeah. Maybe he does.”

Then they went to Steve’s house, where more and more of Billy’s clothes had accumulated. The kitchen had been stocked with food bought from Steve’s wage and Billy’s top-secret government allowance—which turns out, was rather high. Steve, for all his fancy furniture and basically bottomless bank account thanks to his parents, had to pick his jaw up off the floor when Billy finally revealed the monthly check to him.

“Holy shit. Don’t let the nerds see that; they’ll siphon quarters out of you for the arcade.”

“They’re old enough to want beer and condoms.”

Steve scoffed as he flipped their dinner pancakes. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think they’ll sooner pop their cherries than go for beer.” Then he grimaced and waved his spatula. “New subject! Change the subject.”

Billy laughed from the breakfast bar, where he was arranging his medication into a days-of-the-week organizer. It was just a bar of little snap-closed boxes, but it helped him keep track of the pills he took—and the ones he ignored.

Steve had asked him once, “Why do you always leave the red ones?”

“They turn me into a vegetable.”

“Oh. You can’t, like…split it in half? Half vegetable?”

Billy couldn’t say why he felt comforted by Steve’s uniquely clueless way of thinking. Perhaps the guy actually made sense, or maybe he just over-simplified things in an over-complicated world.

Now, though, he set the spatula down with the announcement, “Oh! I got you something. Well, I hope I got the right stuff.”

Billy didn’t go with him to the garage, but he did follow Steve with his eyes. Blue irises locked onto the shockingly familiar box of lager when Steve returned. “Where in the hell did you find that?”

That dopey, thrilled grin made Steve glow like the Christmas lights they’d thrown all over the open floor plan. “Dude, there are professional shoppers! I mean, that makes each can like…a twenty-dollar beer, and this is the only box I got, but this is the stuff you were talking about, right? The lady on the phone said they released other flavors, but you only said ‘lager,’ so it’s what I got.”

The cans were practically frozen from being in the garage, but Billy tore open the box as well as he could to pry one out. “I don’t think I’ve been given the okay for alcohol.”

“We can water it down.”

“You don’t water down beer!”

“Then split one with me. I’ve chilled glasses somewhere…”

He went digging in the freezer drawer and pulled out plastic wine glasses. Billy snorted as he accepted one. “This is so cheap.”

“Yeah well, even mom’s fancy bimbo friends break wine stems around the pool. Gimme that.”

Billy appreciated that Steve made it sound greedy, instead of pitiful. Billy had trouble with his hands.

The can snapped open with a satisfying metallic crack. Billy teased as Steve poured, “Is this your first rodeo? Look at all that foam.”

“We’ve got time. The pancakes are almost done.”

Billy pushed his pill organizer aside to rest his chin on his arms, listening to carbonation sizzle while he watched Steve’s shoulder blades move under his sweatshirt.

“When do you get cleared for pot?”

Billy rolled his eyes. “I don’t think I’ll ever be officially cleared for that—hey, hey!”

Steve had turned around, leaning back against the counter with a pancake in his hand and a full cheek. “Whuh?”

“You’re eating my dinner! Dump the skillet over a plate and get over here!”

Steve came around to sit on the stool next to him with a pancake in his mouth and—

“Are those my slippers?”

“You mean my slippers that I hadn’t worn yet? Yeah, I took them back,” Steve retorted.

Billy successfully knocked one off his foot. “They still had the tags when I got to them. So dibs.”

Steve kicked the other slipper into the living room. “No dibs if you don’t have both.”

“You’re wearing my sweatpants. I get your slippers.”

“I get your beer and you get my pancakes.”

“Not if you eat all of them! Syrup, now,” Billy demanded with a grabby hand gesture.

Steve disintegrated into giggles that made him sound as much like a little kid as movie heartthrob. He finished pouring and passed the bottle.

So it went. Back and forth. Back and forth.

First Steve took Billy’s time. The minutes that built into hours driving to and from the hospital. Then Billy ate his food. Steve covered the restaurant tabs until they switched to cooking at his house. Steve washed his clothes and wore them like his own. Billy took Steve’s car keys and drove for the first time with Steve practically hostage all the way to the tree farm.

“I didn’t take you for a real tree kind of person.”

“You have the ceiling space for a nine-foot tree.”

“How the hell are we hauling a nine-foot tree?” Steve practically blanched. “And with what car?” He adjusted his earmuffs because he’d rather be caught dead than wear a proper hat. Billy, meanwhile, strolled through the greenery and the first snowflakes spitting from the sky with leisurely ease in his beanie.

He laughed, “I like how you’re not saying no.”

Steve didn’t do much to hide his mimicry as he trudged behind Billy, who chuckled to himself. “For once it actually smells nice. The trees really cover up the cow shit of—oh my god, there are actual cows.”

A line of tables displayed other living decorations like wreaths and garlands, but beyond them was a field of black and red cattle. Billy moved under a line of wreaths hanging over their heads to see how they actually had blankets on their backs. “Are the cow jackets norm—”

Steve caught his mouth in a quick, firm kiss. The sound of their lips parting echoed in Billy’s ears. Steve’s fingers lifted off his jaw to touch something noisy above their heads. Billy dumbly looked up to see the tiny bells interwoven with a mistletoe wreath. “Careful. We have real mistletoe here. Not whatever plastic California has.”

He left Billy stupefied, having the audacity to stroll away with a whistle on his lips before Billy snapped out of it and nearly tackled him. “OW! Agh, fu-shit, Jesus—”

“You’re better about planting your feet,” Billy breathed against Steve’s earmuff. He held Steve’s arms trapped against his body.

“Are you always this mean when someone kisses you?” he strained in Billy’s tight grip. The gravel under their boots grit and rattled as Billy dragged Steve deeper into the trees. “Alright! I should’ve asked! I’m sorry—”

Steve might’ve stolen the first kiss, but Billy shoved him into a tree and took it back. He took Steve’s cold shock against his lips, until hot breath warmed them up between nervous stares. Then Billy took his lips, his tongue, the taste of the mint brownies Steve ate on the way here. The cold tip of Steve’s nose pushed into his cheek, and Billy’s heart felt fragile against the softness of Steve’s mouth.

His breath trembled as he asked, “Why did you do that?”

Why do you give me rides? Give me food? Why do you cook every night? Why did you give me a bedroom? Will you let me into yours?

Steve’s arms around his waist moved, tightening a little but also moving up Billy’s spine as if to comfort him. To anchor them together. Steve swallowed, and the fragility in his eyes made Billy’s throat hurt. “I didn’t get to the first time.”

Billy couldn’t stand it. He pushed Steve’s earmuffs off in his effort to press his face against Steve’s neck. To absorb the delicious little sound that escaped him when Billy’s cold nose found the warm pocket inside his collar.

Billy didn’t think he’d be able to kiss anyone ever again.

Not after…

But all he wanted was to keep Steve’s lips on him. To steal him away like some fairytale winter troll and either keep him or devour him if he tried to leave.

“Billy?” His name was muffled against his own scarf, so tightly did Steve hold onto him.

But if Steve was taking…maybe Billy could let himself be stolen again.

“When we’re home…” he sniffled on his way back up to standing on his own. “Kiss me again.”

“Can I kiss you now?”

Billy laughed through his tears. “No, you’re buying me the biggest tree your car can carry. And I’ll steal that wreath while they’re distracted.”

“You have the money to buy it!”

“That’s no fun.”

[anestheticrage]

Be me: Japanese honor student🎓, 15, with half a brain and even less of a plan. Hunting bitches by day and witches by night. Livin that dank only child✌️ life while mom n dad yeet all over the globe, leavin me plenty of time to forget not to make 2 lunches for myself #quirky 😜

no time for socialization or basic electronics skills ???📱??? when your best friends are an alien demon rabbit🐰👽 and the inexplicable Hole ™ in your brain. lmao, btw did i mention im ✨M✨A✨G✨I✨C✨A✨L✨

dreamin bout my 2D waifus again when familiar pink haired cancer patient dances through my brain passin out fliers: Kamihama Meguca Dating Service: Sponsored by Cult of the Magius. 250 stones per session 🤔

seems legit, Mr. Moneybags. wasn't spending my unwieldy sack of gemstones on anything else anyway. lets pull 💎💎💎

first up we have Redhead Radagast and her plethora of plants. 🌿☺️🦎

anndd, nearly dies immediately. 

well not off to a great start but i guess shes pretty cute at lea- oh FUCK its her girlfriend, Tsundere Poseidon😒🔱💦, and their exasperated, straight and single Sword Mom 😔🗡️🔥. fml gonna have to save up for the next pull. might as well play a few rounds with what i got tho. 

get in some good girl talk about things like school, color coded hair styles, body count, permanent soul damage, and our personal demon pacts. ya know, the usual 😚 . realize my dark backstory seems to be missing, so the girls take me to Ketchup Queen Sappho 🍅🥧 (wtf?) to molest my glowy egg stone. whatevs, more action than ive had since Kuroe 🖤 got added to the story anyway

the gang agrees it's time to hunt down the cutest rabbit pimp 🕶️🐇💵 in the city. >> say 🎵mukyuuu🎵 one more time and ill hug you so hard my backstory will pop right out, you adorable fluffy bastard. plz be my new best friend 💕

Form brand new friendship pact with Kyubae, and remember that my lil Sis 🐥 was always the best wingman for pickin up magic chicks, and kept her side of the room so spotless i forgot she existed. whoops 乁༼☯‿☯✿༽ㄏ Maybe if I find her i can stop paying these exorbitant pull fees.📵💎

speaking of which: hot damn this week's featured bachelorette is a 19 year old model and magical detective🔎 with massive levels of PTSD and self loathing 🥵💙💦 more likely to stab you or dramatically jump off a rooftoop than utter a single positive comment. wow, maybe i really COULD find true love…

... if i had MORE THAN A 1% FUCKING DRAW CHANCE. 😡 smh

hard to make much progress finding sis or winning the broken heart of a hard boiled detective amidst the never ending lover's quarrel of the Trident Vine Lesbians. 💔 Sword Mom tells them if they don't behave a monster will take them away. LOL classic mom 🤣

>>>HOLY FUCK IT DID

declare all-out war on urban legends, starting with staircases ⚔️ to reunite the dysfunctional trio, and hope that I net a way better lineup with the next 10x pull. at least sad sleuth lady came to help out. they say combat is the best way to bond wi-   and there she goes off the rooftop again 🙄 fml

alright that got way off track, we need a fresh start, away from all the loli drama. how bout a little B&E🔓🔨🤷🏻‍♀️ at the local house of worship to clear my head. ahh nothing like the unanswered prayers of the masses to get you in the mood for another wasted pull, and the 🔥 MIGHTIEST 🔥 headache you could ask for with a side of Double Cooked Pork 🐖🍜 (meh 5/10🧾)

venture forth into the spiritual unknown with your new human flamethrower🔥🌻🧡 and ask your favorite private eye to please, for the love of Eve, trade Meguca accounts with me~~~ Head through the eastern spirit portal to meet up with hologram propaganda sis and detective crush's evil ex, who joined a dating-app cult (#fuck) and also turned into the moon?🌕?(that's rough buddy)

get ambushed by Acid Horse on Wheels 🌈🐴 and vomit up my soul so hard that its time for a crossover episode. T U R F F F   W A R R R *que operatic harmonies* 💛 Blondie with the hair drills and enough attitude and guns to fill up a noble phantasm tries to ban my account permanently, but PI heartthrob denies her admin privileges. aww babe i didn't know you cared. 😭♥️

get kidnapped by my new true love and go back to her place 😏  defs enough empty rooms to house five emotionally traumatized girls and at least two ghosts hehehe👻 XD 💚🃏💜🎸 decide to form the anti-gossip brigade and recruit my blazing sunflower after getting ambushed by the witch living in my fruit loops🥣

❌outvoted 2:1 that cults are bad. mf. fiinneee one last pull to round out the team and then I'll delete the app. cmonnn Karin 🎃~

OH HELL YEAH TWO FOR ONE.

Always wanted a daughter 💜🔨🐄 with a penchant for pissing off the local Martial Arts & Books Club and drinking suspicious liquids offered by total strangers. Well if it's good enough for her AND the sexy mayadere with enough game to seduce a mermaid, might as well get in on that myself. 

#curseddrank 🤢 0/24 would not recommend to a friend, 'cept maybe Ria

win alot of cash 🤑, blow up a fountain, meet the pied piper²🎶🖕, moon cult, monochrome feathers, something about liberation✊🏻; adopt temper tantrum cow girl. aces 💜🥩

Next up!!! skydiving with DJ Hammer! Jump to apparently-not-certain death after suicidal A.I. 💚💾🗼 tells you to rescue her hostage before they run out of Radiohead albums and have to move on to Thom Yorke's solo discography. save the invisible shield kitten 💚👑😿 from happiness and get chased through the internet by the sexiest homicidal Paint Pallette 💚🎨😈 since Caravaggio. (apparently green is the color of the digital apocalypse. i’m deleting Kako from my friend's list)

that’s it, fuck this app. 250 stones 💎 per-life-threatening-experience is more than i’m willing to deal with 😓 don’t wanna mess with the perfect nuclear family anyway. we've already got: 

✔️the two emotionally traumatized moms with memory and commitment issues

✔️the adhd daughter with anger management problems and a giant hammer

✔️the psychologically abused scizophrenic cat

✔️and the eccentric aunt with crippling anxiety

#squadgoals

now that were done hoarding bitches, its time to hunt the witches. and the bitches makin the witches. btw did i mention the witches ARE the bitches! AND WERE ALL GOING TO DIE!? 📽️⁉️💀 wait fuck lets back up a second

This is Nemo📕 and Token🧪 and they have all the answers but prefer if you only ask vague questions in exchange for vague responses so they can fill in the rest by discussing their superior intellect 🧠 at length. not to mention they built that dating app, so of course everyone in my harem decides to be a FUCKING. TRAITOR.🤬

cept waifu prime ofc 🥰💙. [PTSD > brainwashing] 'yOu CaN bE tHe LeAdEr NoW'. i have been from the very beginning you traumatized Hinedere nightmare. maybe if you weren't so caught up collecting surrogate daughters you would've noticed IM👏THE👏ONLY👏 ONE👏PROGRESSING👏THE FUCKING👏PLOT✨

rescue the rest of dysfunctional found-family™ from selves before my adorable firebender burns down Disnihama🎡🔥😱 during her weekly anxiety attack. (love the makeover T B H) 

CHAPTER 8: Magical Girl Massacre🩸🗡️

   - everyone has like, the shittiest day ever

   - the new Pope really needs to be extradited from the church

   - make friends with a really pretty tree 🌺🌲✨

i swear, if i don't finish this god damn story in time to get that free pull im gonna beat the shit out of every mirror i find in that giant mansion that i haven't even had any time to even mention yet. 🖕🏚️ let alone EVERYTHING happening with the prequel [fuck you, I'm the star] girls 💗💜💙💛❤️️ and their multidimensional melodrama. We don't need that many repetitive af episodes to emphasize that Homo-ra is a shitty person. we've all seen Rebellion. 🙄

NO, I DONT CARE IF YOU WANT SAPPHO'S BACKSTORY, I ONLY HAVE 79 STONES LEFT AND IF YACHAN FINDS OUT I HAVEN'T DELETED THE APP YET IM GONNA HAVE TO GO SLEEP IN WITH SANA 😭💎💸😠

uhhhggggg where were we… Topple a cult and burn down Hotel Denoument only to realize that Sis was fused with the dating app servers this entire madokafuckin time (told ya she was the best wingman 😊). 

Dilemma: Sis =🥚, Triumvirate of Trouble want 🐣. What do? vote now:

Help Hatch - IIIIIII

Not Do That - IIIII

What The Actual Fuck Is Going On - IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Lets just fight everyone until something good happens.

🔥🔫🔥🗡️🔥😱🔥🌆🔥😱🔥🛡️🔥💣🔥

Kill (???) the artist-in-chief of the italian reindeer murder police after teaching her the true meaning of Christmas 🎄 hatch 🐣lil Sis and realize she WAS your wingman all along🐰 MUKYUUUU! we're just gonna ignore how much trouble it would have saved if you'd just mentioned that. "yOu DiDnT aSk..." 

FUCK YOU SPACE BITCH. ONCE AN INCUBATOR ALWAYS AN INCUBATOR 🖕🐇🔪

anywho, somewhere along the lines we of course summoned the Antichrist ⚙️ because why not raise the stakes to max and still not kill off a single character. Madofuckinkami, can we PLEASE wrap this up. 😩💤

feathers (not the culty kind, tfm) rain from the sky, and the power of friendship and not having the Urobutcher 🔪🩸as a lead writer saves our peacefully sectioned off alternate reality 😇

TL:DR fuck cults, real life waifus DO exist, don't sell your soul to space rabbits, or your stones to megacorporations. Enjoy arc 2 on the JP server with your shitty translation patch you filthy fuckin weebs 

Yours Truly, 

- Thirsty Weeb Eroha 💗💎😘 

[aboveallarescuer]

Daenerys Targaryen in A Storm of Swords vs Game of Thrones - Episode 3.5: Kissed by Fire

In this series of posts, I intend to analyze precisely how the show writers downplayed or erased several key aspects of Daenerys Targaryen’s characterization, even when they had the books to help them write her as the compelling, intelligent, compassionate, frugal, open-minded and self-critical character that GRRM created.

I want to make it clear that these posts are not primarily meant to offer a better alternative to what the show writers gave us. I understand that they had many constraints (e.g. other storylines to handle, a limited amount of time to write the scripts, budget, actors who may have asked for a certain number of lines, etc) working against them. However, considering how disrespectful the show’s ending was to Daenerys Targaryen and how the book material that they left out makes it even more ludicrous to think that she will also become a villain in A Song of Ice and Fire, I believe that these reviews are more than warranted. They are meant to dissect everything about Dany’s characterization that was lost in translation, with a lot of book evidence to corroborate my statements.

Since these reviews will dissect scene by scene, I recommend taking a look at this post because I will use its sequence to order Dany’s scenes.

This post is relevant in case you want to know which chapters were adapted in which GoT episodes (however, I didn’t make the list myself, all the information comes from the GoT Wiki, so I can’t guarantee that it’s 100% reliable).

In general, I will call the Dany from the books “Dany” and the Dany from the TV series “show!Dany”.

Scene 5

This episode was written by Bryan Cogman, but he admits here that the scenes in Essos were actually written by D&D.

Before I talk about the scene itself, we need to consider that its premise is flawed to begin with. Neither Barristan nor Jorah are known for making jokes and being friendly and amusing in general, they are actually known for lacking a sense of humor:

And Daario Naharis made her laugh, which Ser Jorah never did. (ASOS Daenerys V)

~

"Give that tongue of yours a rest unless you'd rather I tied it in a knot."

Tyrion swallowed his retort. His lip was still fat and swollen from the last time he had pushed the big knight too far. Hard hands and no sense of humor makes for a bad marriage. That much he'd learned on the road from Selhorys. (ADWD Tyrion VII)

~

Twice exiled, and small wonder, Tyrion thought. I'd exile him too if I could. The man is cold, brooding, sullen, deaf to humor. And those are his good points. (ADWD Tyrion VIII)

*

Littlefinger was the last. As Ned looked to him, Lord Petyr stifled a yawn. "When you find yourself in bed with an ugly woman, the best thing to do is close your eyes and get on with it," he declared. "Waiting won't make the maid any prettier. Kiss her and be done with it."

"Kiss her?" Ser Barristan repeated, aghast.

"A steel kiss," said Littlefinger. (AGOT Eddard VIII)

~

In the purple hall, Dany found her ebon bench piled high about with satin pillows. The sight brought a wan smile to her lips. Ser Barristan’s work, she knew. The old knight was a good man, but sometimes very literal. It was only a jape, ser, she thought, but she sat on one of the pillows just the same. (ADWD Daenerys II)

Which is not to say that they can't ever laugh at people's jokes or make jokes themselves, but it's noticeable that the show's time to depict Dany's storyline is limited and that they still chose to write a scene that has little to do with their core personality traits.

Even more importantly, these two are unable to be friendly with one another because Jorah is too suspicious of Barristan and wants to isolate Dany from other men:

“In King’s Landing, your ancestors raised an immense domed castle for their dragons. The Dragonpit, it is called. It still stands atop the Hill of Rhaenys, though all in ruins now. That was where the royal dragons dwelt in days of yore, and a cavernous dwelling it was, with iron doors so wide that thirty knights could ride through them abreast. Yet even so, it was noted that none of the pit dragons ever reached the size of their ancestors. The maesters say it was because of the walls around them, and the great dome above their heads.”

“If walls could keep us small, peasants would all be tiny and kings as large as giants,” said Ser Jorah. “I’ve seen huge men born in hovels, and dwarfs who dwelt in castles.”

“Men are men,” Whitebeard replied. “Dragons are dragons.”

Ser Jorah snorted his disdain. “How profound.” The exile knight had no love for the old man, he’d made that plain from the first. “What do you know of dragons, anyway?” (ASOS Daenerys I)

~

“It was said that no man ever knew Prince Rhaegar, truly. I had the privilege of seeing him in tourney, though, and often heard him play his harp with its silver strings.”

Ser Jorah snorted. “Along with a thousand others at some harvest feast. Next you’ll claim you squired for him.” (ASOS Daenerys I)

~

“A warrior without peer ... those are fine words, Your Grace, but words win no battles.”

“Swords win battles,” Ser Jorah said bluntly. “And Prince Rhaegar knew how to use one.” (ASOS Daenerys I)


~

“...A change in the wind may bring the gift of victory.” He glanced at Ser Jorah. “Or a lady’s favor knotted round an arm.”

Mormont’s face darkened. “Be careful what you say, old man.”

Arstan had seen Ser Jorah fight at Lannisport, Dany knew, in the tourney Mormont had won with a lady’s favor knotted round his arm. He had won the lady too; Lynesse of House Hightower, his second wife, highborn and beautiful ... but she had ruined him, and abandoned him, and the memory of her was bitter to him now. “Be gentle, my knight.” She put a hand on Jorah’s arm. “Arstan had no wish to give offense, I’m certain.”

“As you say, Khaleesi.” Ser Jorah’s voice was grudging. (ASOS Daenerys I)

~

Ser Jorah watched with a frown on his blunt honest face. Mormont was big and burly, strong of jaw and thick of shoulder. Not a handsome man by any means, but as true a friend as Dany had ever known. “You would be wise to take that old man’s words well salted,” he told her when Whitebeard was out of earshot.

[...] “This Arstan Whitebeard is playing you false. He is too old to be a squire, and too well spoken to be serving that oaf of a eunuch.” (ASOS Daenerys I)

~

“Sit, good ser, and tell me what is troubling you.”

“Three things.” Ser Jorah sat. “Strong Belwas. This Arstan Whitebeard. And Illyrio Mopatis, who sent them.” (ASOS Daenerys I)

~

But when Mero was gone, Arstan Whitebeard said, “That one has an evil reputation, even in Westeros. Do not be misled by his manner, Your Grace. He will drink three toasts to your health tonight, and rape you on the morrow.”

“The old man’s right for once,” Ser Jorah said. (ASOS Daenerys IV)

~

“Whilst you have an honest beard, is that what you are telling me? You are the only man I should ever trust?”

He stiffened. “I did not say that.”

“You say it every day. Pyat Pree’s a liar, Xaro’s a schemer, Belwas a braggart, Arstan an assassin ... do you think I’m still some virgin girl, that I cannot hear the words behind the words?” (ASOS Daenerys IV)

~

“Khaleesi, before you kneels Ser Barristan Selmy, Lord Commander of the Kingsguard, who betrayed your House to serve the Usurper Robert Baratheon.”

The old knight did not so much as blink. “The crow calls the raven black, and you speak of betrayal.” (ASOS Daenerys V)

I doubt their book counterparts would spend their time apart from Dany talking to each other about their pasts, and I think that's a significant change because it's another way that makes show!Jorah (whose book counterpart is a slaver who tries to groom, isolate and undermine Dany) be seen in a much more positive light than in the books.

*

JORAH: It was a bitch of a siege.

BARRISTAN: Mm, you were first through the breach at Pyke?

JORAH: The second. Thoros of Myr went in alone, waving that flaming sword of his.

BARRISTAN: Thoros of Myr. Bloody madman. Robert knighted you after the battle?

JORAH: Proudest moment of my life. One knee in the dust, the king's sword on my shoulder, listening to the words. "In the name of the Warrior, I charge you to be brave." All I could think of was how badly I had to piss. In full plate metal for 16 hours. Never occurred to me till the fighting was over. I was very nearly the first man knighted to piss on the king's boots.

In the books, the siege of Pyke is brought up in this context:

“By then my father had taken the black, so I was Lord of Bear Island in my own right. I had no lack of marriage offers, but before I could reach a decision Lord Balon Greyjoy rose in rebellion against the Usurper, and Ned Stark called his banners to help his friend Robert. The final battle was on Pyke. When Robert’s stonethrowers opened a breach in King Balon’s wall, a priest from Myr was the first man through, but I was not far behind. For that I won my knighthood.”

“To celebrate his victory, Robert ordained that a tourney should be held outside Lannisport. It was there I saw Lynesse, a maid half my age. She had come up from Oldtown with her father to see her brothers joust. I could not take my eyes off her. In a fit of madness, I begged her favor to wear in the tourney, never dreaming she would grant my request, yet she did.”

[...] “What did she look like, your Lady Lynesse?”

Ser Jorah smiled sadly. “Why, she looked a bit like you, Daenerys.” He bowed low. “Sleep well, my queen.”

Dany shivered, and pulled the lionskin tight about her. She looked like me. It explained much that she had not truly understood. He wants me, she realized. He loves me as he loved her, not as a knight loves his queen but as a man loves a woman. She tried to imagine herself in Ser Jorah’s arms, kissing him, pleasuring him, letting him enter her. It was no good. When she closed her eyes, his face kept changing into Drogo’s.

[...] She had heard the longing in Ser Jorah’s voice when he spoke of his Bear Island. He can never have me, but one day I can give him back his home and honor. That much I can do for him. (ACOK Daenerys I)

As we can see above, the siege of Pyke is brought up to contextualize Jorah and Lynesse's relationship and parallel their relationship with Dany and Jorah's current one. It is there to service Dany's storyline, motivations and relationships - with that backstory, she realizes at that point that, while Jorah loves her, she can't love him back. This makes her feel guilty, so much so that she thinks she has to compensate by bringing him back home. This is also an instance that displays how deeply ingrained patriarchal views are on this universe - because Dany is a woman, she thinks she owes her knight something in return for his protection. The roles of liege and object of desire intersect in a way that wouldn't happen to a king.

But why am I saying all of this? My point is that connections between past and present in ASOIAF matter only to the extent that they say something about our POV characters. The Arianne/Rhaenyra and Arianne/Nymeria comparisons matter only to the extent that they inform Arianne's motivations and storyline, as well as the Jon Snow/Blackfyres one, which informs Catelyn's views on Jon. By contrast, the show brought up the siege in Pyke only so that we would empathize with show!Jorah again, but that was never the main purpose in the books, in which the backstory primarily serviced Dany's character. But then, the show writers are intent on erasing how creepy and disrespectful Jorah's treatment of Dany in the books is.

Also, the only new detail that they added was that Jorah wanted to urinate while Robert was knighting him. Was that really necessary?

BARRISTAN: Robert would have laughed. He was a good man, a great warrior. And a terrible king. I burned away my years fighting for terrible kings.

In the books, Barristan has more conflicted feelings about Robert Baratheon than he ever lets on in the show:

“Some truths are hard to hear. Robert was a ... a good knight ... chivalrous,
brave ... he spared my life, and the lives of many others ...[”] (ASOS Daenerys VI)

~

I came to bring Daenerys home. Yet he had lost her, just as he had lost her father and her brother. Even Robert. I failed him too. (ADWD The Queensguard)

~

And what did Robert say when he saw them? Did he smile? Barristan Selmy had been badly wounded on the Trident, so he had been spared the sight of Lord Tywin's gift, but oft he wondered. If I had seen him smile over the red ruins of Rhaegar's children, no army on this earth could have stopped me from killing him. (ADWD The Kingsguard)

Barristan may admit Robert's value as a knight (highly questionable as it is), praise him for showing mercy to the Targaryen loyalists and be ashamed for "failing" him. At the same time, Barristan still feels anger for the deaths of Rhaegar's children, so much so that he can't stop himself from thinking he would avenge them if he had seen Robert smiling at the sight of their corpses. Also, when he thinks about the people he failed, he thinks that he failed "even Robert", which shows that he had considerably less regard for him than he did either Dany or Rhaegar.

I don't think Barristan would ever call Robert a "good man", and I think his feelings for Robert are particularly important because they inform Barristan's siding with Ned when he asks Robert not to kill Dany, as well as why he chose to follow Viserys (Rhaegar's heir) instead of Stannis (Robert's heir) and why he demands that the Shavepate does not kill Dany's hostages if he is to side with him.

Also, again, Barristan would never share his personal feelings (much less negative ones) about anyone with Jorah.

The infuriating part, though, is this one:

JORAH: You swore an oath.

BARRISTAN: Yes. And a man of honor keeps his vows, even if he's serving a drunk or a lunatic. Just once in my life before it's over, I want to know what it's like to serve with pride, to fight for someone I believe in. Do you believe in her?

JORAH: With all my heart.

First, they portray show!Jorah as a reliable source as to whether we should trust show!Dany or not. While one might argue that these are two different characters, not only the erasure of Jorah's negative behaviors for the sake of an unrequited love story is still disgusting, but Jorah was never a reliable source about Dany in the books.

Second, Barristan's arc is partly about finding out on his own that Dany is a worthy liege after spending years following bad kings:

“...The truth is, I wanted to watch you for a time before pledging you my sword. To make certain that you were not ...”

“... my father’s daughter?” If she was not her father’s daughter, who was she?

“... mad,” he finished. “But I see no taint in you.”
 (ASOS Daenerys VI)

~

“So I am a coin in the hands of some god, is that what you are saying, ser?”

“No,” Ser Barristan replied. “You are the trueborn heir of Westeros. To the end of my days I shall remain your faithful knight, should you find me worthy to bear a sword again. If not, I am content to serve Strong Belwas as his squire.”  (ASOS Daenerys VI)

~

“I flung my sword at Joffrey’s feet and have not touched one since. Only from the hand of my queen will I accept a sword again.”

“As you wish.” Dany took the sword from Brown Ben and offered it hilt first. The old man took it reverently. “Now kneel,” she told him, “and swear it to my service.”

He went to one knee and lay the blade before her as he said the words.  (ASOS Daenerys VI)

~

“Freedom to starve?” asked Dany sharply. “Freedom to die? Am I a dragon, or a harpy?” Am I mad? Do I have the taint?

“A dragon,” Ser Barristan said with certainty. (ASOS Daenerys VI)

Having show!Barristan ask show!Jorah's opinion on show!Dany diminishes the impact of the passages above, which display his own judgment based on the time he spent on Dany's side.

Having show!Barristan ask show!Jorah's opinion on show!Dany undercuts Barristan's arc. The show writers might have show!Barristan say that he wants to "fight for someone [he] believe[s] in", but that's just lip service; these words ring hollow because we don't see him finding out for himself.

Could the show writers have added an original scene that gives the characters around show!Dany more to do? Of course (though I've argued before that even the scenes focusing on show!Dany are often seen from the viewpoint of her advisors and prevent us from fully experiencing the journey with show!Dany herself). But they should have thought about whether it fits into their characterizations in the books and, if it doesn't, why is that change necessary? What does having show!Barristan not find out on his own that show!Dany is a liege worth following cause besides undermining both Dany's and Barristan's characters? What does having show!Jorah not be a creepy and be a reliable source about show!Dany cause besides making a slaver look better?

*

Show!Grey Worm's first scene has its strengths. I like how it displays show!Dany's genuine empathy for the Unsullied, as well as show!Grey Worm's admiration for her. The actors gave good performances. There is one departure from the books (that I don't really understand the purpose of; they probably forgot about it), though:

DAENERYS: What is your name?

GREY WORM: Grey Worm.

DAENERYS: Grey Worm...

MISSANDEI: All Unsullied boys are given new names when they are cut ... Grey Worm, Red Flea, Black Rat. Names that remind them what they are ... vermin.

The books go even further on the slavers' dehumanization of the Unsullied:

“This one’s name is Red Flea, your worship.”


The girl repeated their exchange in the Common Tongue.


“And yesterday, what was it?”


“Black Rat, your worship.”


“The day before?”


“Brown Flea, your worship.”


“Before that?”


“This one does not recall, your worship. Blue Toad, perhaps. Or Blue Worm.”

“Tell her all their names are such,” Kraznys commanded the girl. “It reminds them that by themselves they are vermin. The name disks are thrown in an empty cask at duty’s end, and each dawn plucked up again at random.”

“More madness,” said Arstan, when he heard. “How can any man possibly remember a new name every day?”

“Those who cannot are culled in training, along with those who cannot run all day in full pack, scale a mountain in the black of night, walk across a bed of coals, or slay an infant.” (ASOS Daenerys II)

Not only their names remind them that they are vermin, they are also changed every day so that they lose their sense of individuality. 

Even with this change, I'd say that the scene still conveys how unacceptable and cruel the slavers' treatment was.

There are other changes that I find more concerning. The first is the most inconsequential: why is show!Missandei calling show!Dany khaleesi instead of Your Grace? Only Jorah and her khalasar call her by that title in the books. I suppose this is a Doylist issue since s3!Dany was more recognized as "khaleesi" than "Daenerys" by the audience, but it still goes against their characterizations.

The second is that, as I said in my 3.4 review, this scene would have made more sense in Astapor:

One of the first things Dany had done after the fall of Astapor was abolish the custom of giving the Unsullied new slave names every day. Most of those born free had returned to their birth names; those who still remembered them, at least. Others had called themselves after heroes or gods, and sometimes weapons, gems, and even flowers, which resulted in soldiers with some very peculiar names, to Dany’s ears. Grey Worm had remained Grey Worm. When she asked him why, he said, “It is a lucky name. The name this one was born to was accursed. That was the name he had when he was taken for a slave. But Grey Worm is the name this one drew the day Daenerys Stormborn set him free.” (ASOS Daenerys IV)

Dany still had to choose which freedmen would occupy the ruling council, so I assume she stayed in Astapor for a few days. With that in mind, if abolishing the custom of new slave names was one of the first things Dany did after the fall of Astapor, it's much more likely that she did it there rather than on the march to Yunkai. Why couldn't they have written this scene there? Because seeing her leave Astapor makes for a more visually impressive scene, I guess. As I said before, though, it gives weight to the superficial reading that show!Dany only went to the city, took its military force and left (even if we'll later find out that she also installed a ruling council there in 4.5). Being faithful to the books would've prevented any misconception of this sort from happening.

My third and final issue is that this scene is meant to be of secondary importance in the books. As one can see in ASOS Daenerys IV, it only appears as a brief flashback in the context of a scene in which Dany is seen giving Grey Worm military orders. That's because the focus of the chapter is on Dany's character development as a leader and a military tactician (similar to how ASOS Daenerys VI only shows the conquest of Meereen as a brief flashback in the context of Jorah telling Dany that her "sewer rats" won her the city; that's because the focus of the chapter is less on the adrenaline and victory and more on the aftermath of the sack and its negative consequences, intertwined with Dany's personal problems).

One might argue that we could have had both this scene and show!Dany's character development in the next episodes. However, as I will explain in future reviews, the show writers don't care about show!Dany's character development at all, which is why it becomes enough of an issue for me to bring it up.

*

JORAH: King Robert wanted her dead.

BARRISTAN: Of course he wanted her dead. She's a Targaryen. The last Targaryen.

JORAH: I suppose no one on the small council could speak sense to him.

In this interview with Bryan Cogman, Elio Garcia interprets show!Jorah's actions as if he were "fishing for information about just what Barristan knew about him and his dealings with Varys". That's not an unreasonable guess, but it's another one that does a disservice to Barristan's character. In the books, Barristan only hid information from Dany about Jorah because revealing Jorah's betrayal would mean revealing his identity. If his identity had been already revealed, he would have told her much earlier - that's what happens right after she finds out that he's Barristan Selmy, after all:

“...And since the day you wed Khal Drogo, there has been an informer by your side selling your secrets, trading whispers to the Spider for gold and promises.” (ASOS Daenerys V)

However, because the show writers probably know this, they made another change just as detrimental to Barristan's character:

BARRISTAN: I didn't sit on the small council.

JORAH: No? Doesn't the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard traditionally ...

BARRISTAN: Traditionally, yes, but I killed a dozen of Robert's friends during his rebellion. He didn't want advice on how to govern from a man who had fought for the Mad King. Can't say I minded much. I always hated the politics.

I'm not saying that the Barristan of the books loves the politics or that he's one of the best political players of the books. Far from that. Still, his character development culminates in these realizations:

The gods of Westeros were far away, yet Ser Barristan Selmy paused for a moment to say a silent prayer, asking the Crone to light his way to wisdom. For the children, he told himself. For the city. For my queen. (ADWD The Queensguard)

~

His queen was the Mother of Dragons; he would not allow her children to come to harm. (ADWD The Kingbreaker)

~

"You would break King Hizdahr's peace, old man?"

"I would shatter it." Once, long ago, a prince had named him Barristan the Bold. A part of that boy was in him still. (ADWD The Queen's Hand)

Before Dany, Barristan remained silent as he watched Aerys and Robert committing atrocities and abusing their power. After Dany, he's not only revolting against a bad king (Hizdahr), he's also taking on her anti-slavery cause and declaring war against the slavers. That's character development. Siding with Ned against Dany's death was Barristan’s first (albeit small) act of rebellion and the beginning of an arc that will later lead him to fight against slavery because of the very girl whose murder he opposed.

On HBO, not only we'll never see show!Barristan doing any of this (because he'll be killed off earlier), we are seeing him dismiss the importance of political action, which is the very opposite of the ultimate realization of his book counterpart's arc. And what's worse is that all of these changes are being made for the sake of show!Jorah's character.

*

JORAH: Yeah, I imagine I would, too. Hours spent jabbering about backstabbings and betrayals the world over.

I don't know if show!Jorah reducing politics to "jabbering about backstabbings and betrayals the world over" is necessarily proof that this is what the show writers think. That being said, that dismissal can be considered foreshadowing of how little they will care about adapting Dany's ADWD storyline properly. It can also be interpreted as proof of how they tend to oversimplify the characters according to their basic archetypes. If Jorah and Barristan are warriors, of course they don't care about politics and are friendly with each other (all men are friendly with each other and all women are catty with each other, right? See also: Tyrion/Davos, Jon/Gendry, Sansa/Arya, Dany/Sansa, etc).

BARRISTAN: Mm-hmm. Still, she'll have to wade through that muck if she wants to rule the Seven Kingdoms. She'll have good men around her to advise her, men with experience.

JORAH: Which men do you have in mind?

BARRISTAN: Forgive me, Ser Jorah, for what I'm about to say, but your reputation in Westeros has suffered over the years.

JORAH: It suffered for a reason. I sold men into slavery.

BARRISTAN: I don't know if your presence by her side will help our cause when we go home.

JORAH: Our cause? Forgive me, Ser Barristan, but I was busy defending the khaleesi against King Robert's assassins while you were still bowing to the man.

BARRISTAN: We both want her to rule. Am I wrong?

JORAH: You only joined us a few days ago. I can't speak to your intentions.

BARRISTAN: If we're truly her loyal servants, we will do whatever needs to be done, no matter the cost, no matter our pride.

JORAH: You're not Lord Commander here. You're just another exile. And I take my orders from the queen.

First, I don’t know why the heck would show!Barristan tell show!Jorah rather than show!Dany that Jorah’s presence might not help her cause. Not only it makes him dumb (because show!Jorah obviously wouldn't take that well), it also makes it seem that he likes show!Jorah enough to advise him to leave, which is not true at all in the books, as I've already showed above.

Second, I hate that this exchange makes it seem that show!Jorah feels guilty for selling men into slavery (he doesn't in the books). He was still trying to normalize slavery in 3.1 and 3.3!

*

I know that fandom tends to praise Bryan Cogman for trying to correct plot holes and for paying attention to the books' events and the show's continuity. That knowledge doesn't mean he necessarily understands the characters well - he certainly does not understand Dany well, and this comment is proof of his ignorance:

“Yeah, it’s probably refreshing for Iain Glen! How many times can he explain something about Essos culture to Dany?  ;)”

If he really understood Dany, he would also say that we don't just see Jorah giving Dany knowledge. We also see her retain that knowledge and apply it later, we also see that she has knowledge of her own (because, let's not forget, she has lived in Essos for almost her whole life, certainly for a longer period than Jorah) and we also see her making decisions of her own volition. The misconception that Dany is ignorant and too reliant on the men around her is dismissive of her character, but it unfortunately informs the show's writing of her, for they erase many moments showcasing her intelligence and competence.

He also says that "the Dany stuff is a challenge" because of the lack of material, which is a flimsy excuse - many key scenes of her chapters were cut (see here), even if she doesn't have a lot of chapters in ASOS. Lack of material to adapt was never an issue for anyone in any storyline. The show writers should have been overwhelmed with the amount of material they had and the necessity to select them properly (which they failed to do because they mostly looked at the scenes as plot points).

I'm nitpicking his comments, admittedly, because he also said that (show!)Dany's story is "the rise of a villain". He really doesn't know anything about her.

*

For this review, there's no comment of mine on any Inside the Episode because D&D's Inside the Episode 3.5 doesn't talk about show!Dany's storyline. I'm not commenting on show!Dany's clothes either because she's wearing the same clothes from episode 3.4 and I've talked about them here.

[go-dark-turtle]

Heres a link to part 1 of Chapter 3 of Free the future.

Now let's continue onto part 2 of Chapter 3 the fan fiction. Please enjoy 😊)

Just as you two headed down the hallway you heard a helicopter approaching the beach house. Everyone rushed to the front and saw it land and two pilots walked out to greet Mr Joestar.

"We have a new team member joining us he's in the back." Joseph smugly grinned

"What seriously, he must be small?" the tall haired man leaned in the back and smacked his hand down on the seat

"Ah please be careful he was cranky on the way here" The young man addressed

"Pfft is he a dwarf or something?" the frenchman giggled

Just then a small dog rushed out the seat and dived for his face and started to bite his hair.

"OI get this mutt off my face!" he rolled about the floor as the others laughed 

The dog smirked and let out a huge fart before biting more hair out of Polnareff's head.

"Smelly dog! Ugh! what the heck!" He tried to pry the dog off his face

"His name is Iggy and he likes to chew on hair, fart to make his point but most of all he loves coffee gum, thanks to Avdol we were able to catch him you see he's a stand user he's the fool" Joseph puffed out his chest at the description. 

Just then Avdol grabbed the gum and threw it away from Polnareff. The pilots had brought supplies for the remainder of the trip and placed it in your boot, they also brought a camera for Joseph. 

"Say guys shall we get a group photo?" He smiled at you all.

You all walked around the back of the beach house and you found a nearby rock and you all posed. Joseph and Polnareff sat on the floor with Iggy in his arms, the rest of you stood behind them and smiled brightly as it was taken, the young gent passed the picture onto Joseph and they took to the skies leaving you with a new companion. 

 *Mega time skip*

Night had fallen once again on the Bombay cottage and everyone was sitting in the living room once again you sat on the floor and Avdol approached you and held out his deck of tarot cards

"You don't have a name for your stand do you?" he asked you softly

"No i don't, oh tarot cards!" You looked down at the cards

"Yes I like to leave it to fate to name our stands ive done it for myself, Jotaro and even Mr Joestar." He nodded for you to pick one

You drew the card from the top of the pile and you drew the Ace of Wands

"Hm very interesting from here on in your stand shall be known as  Ace Aqua. I hope you are happy with the name." 

You smiled and nodded happily to know that your stand had such a unique name. "Thank you Mr Avdol." 

You then turned back to the tv. 

"Say Y/N I'm curious what would have happened if you didn't stop us from going across that dessert?"  Jotaro asked while he brushed a few hairs out his face.

"Oh, well you would of had to fight N'Doul, thing is it would of been an easy fight but..." You paused to you pointed to Avdol "You would of had a neck injury" You looked at Kakyion and you swallowed hard "and you would of had your eyes cut, unable to see for a few days and unable to leave the hospital" 

Both men looked at you in shock Avdol even gripped his neck and sighed heavily as for Kakyion he held your hand and closed his eyes.

"I'm so glad you found us and made sure we didn't met with that horrible fate" He softly spoke. 

"If that were to happen what happened next?" Polnareff asked

"Well you went to Luxor and you split up into two groups Jotaro and yourself got attacked by Alessi, he had the power to make you a child and well um...." You blushed slightly as you continued on "Polnareff fought against him naked, jotaro punched the crap out of him as a seven year old." 

Everyone apart from the Frenchman giggled at the fact an enemy saw him naked and had to fight against him.

"Heeh heeh, so what about us, Y/N, what happened to me and Avdol?" Joseph wiped a tear of joy from his eyes.

You blushed more and you shook your head and your eyes widened.

"Oh come on surely it's not that bad, did we at least beat them?" he asked

You nodded but still you didn't say a word.

Avdol also became curious " well could you at least give a small description?"

You nodded and you answered them both "So you fought against Mariah, but she has a magnet stand and she used that against you." 

"How?" Even Kakyion became curious

You sighed and picked up the book and TV remote from the table and you looked directly at Joseph and Avdol. " Avdol the tv remote is you and Joseph the book is you. " 

You made the items lined up to each other and you brought them to the edge of the table that's when you made the book turn parrell of the edge and the tv remote in front, you closed your eyes with embarrassment as you slowly dragged the remote down the book, the others mouths hung open with the odd giggle, the older men's eyes widened. Just as  the tv remote got half down the book, you stopped and you pulled them apart only to bring them back together with a force and kept pushing back and forth. 

The younger men giggled and snorted loudly at the display you even had a small giggle at seeing Avdol's eyes widen more and looked at Joseph and he pouted at you with a blush across his face. 

"Ha ha ha ha! Imagine if granny Susie saw you both. You'd be in deep trouble for sure" Jotaro slapped his knee and laughed more

"Oi oi oi oi! You leave your grandmother out of this, she doesn't need to know." Joseph gritted his teeth in annoyance and walked up to you and summoned hermit purple. "No way can this be true...." 

He used his stand to check your memories and thoughts and thats when he fell flat on his butt.

"OH MY GOD! HOLY SHIT! YOU DIDN'T MENTION ABOUT AVDOL PEEPING AT THE WOMAN IN THE LADIES ROOM!" Joseph was in more shock than before

"What?!" Avdol turned his head to his older friend in shock and glared at him "I wouldn't do such a perverted thing!" 

Just then Iggy started to bark at the window and Polnareff tried to shut him up but then the tv started to flicker, and everyone turned their attention to the window and saw a woman outside holding the dune buggy high above her and she grinned and flung it forward.

"SHIT!" Joseph pushed everyone out of the room and hurried along the hallway and out the front door before the house exploded behind you all.

You look back and tears began to form. You couldn't believe your childhood holiday home was destroyed and to make matters worse, she found you, Mariah found you. 

"Quick get to the car!" Avdol pushed you with him as he rushed to the back of your car. Polanerff slipped and fell over and tried to stand back up and he slowly made his way over to the car, Mariah on the other hand slowly walked her way around the beach house laughing knowing she brought fear to you. 

Avdol swung the door opened and pushed you in and he pulled Joseph in after you before he climbed in the back. Jotaro slid across the bonnet of the car and jumped into the driver's seat and began to fumble about the radio and the keys trying to start the engine, shifting the gear stick, Kakyion opened the other side of the back seat and rolled down the window with Iggy on his lap. 

"For god sakes Jotaro!" Joseph sent Hamon through the keys and got the engine to start.

He revved the engine and began to reverse quickly and spun the car around ready to leave, that was then Polnareff quickly hobbled his way to the passenger seat with Mariah on his tail. She grinned and cut the telephone wires from above and sent them forward after him. 

His eyes widened as the cables came closer, Jotaro quickly leaned over and rolled down the passenger window as the tall haired man dived forward, however due to his muscular body he was stuck with his butt hanging out. 

"Ahh! help me pull me in quick!" he panicked.

Just then Mariah grinned and sent one of the cables and smacked it across his ass, again and again. 

"OHHHHH~ Hooo hoo hoo~ Jotaro help me! Ohhhh! Ohhhh ohhhh HOOOO~" he pleaded  to his younger friend as he was partly in fear but also enjoying the pleasure. 

He kept on wriggling and eventually he pried free and sat down on the seat and he quickly rolled up the window before she could strike again. Jotaro shook his head but then floored it building up dust and the car wheel spinned against the sand just then the car wasn't moving forward in fact it was heading backwards straight for her.

"Oh god Oh god OH MY GOD! She found me. I don't know how she found me." You held your face and started to panic. Joseph held you tight 

*Cue the start of Roundabout theme* 

"Don't worry Y/N. We are gonna make I swear" Joseph patted your head.

Kakyion and Avdol both looked at each other and they both leaned out their windows and both shouted "TAKE THIS!" 

 A focused CrossFire Hurricane and Emerald Splash launched in her direction and sent her flying backwards into the ocean. 

Just as she made impact that's when Jotaro drove off making sure to leave the enemy left in the dust.  

 [<--------To Be Continued----------]

Chapter 4 part 1

[seriouslyblacklikemysoul]

An Ephemeral Eternity in Seven Parts - Steve Rogers x Reader

MASTERLIST Warnings: Gifs aren’t mine. My English. Also, last sentence - well, maybe it’s the start of something new.  Word Count~ 7k.  Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI PART  VII

 The melancholic notes of the guitar accompanied her soft and broken voice in a song that reminded very much of a lamentation of her past, her present and her future.

 Everything she touched, begun to decay. Everyone she loved, had only ended up unloved, depressed, addicted or alone. It had made her wonder if she was the one; if she was the wolf dressed as the little red riding hood. What if everyone around her was simply a helpless sheep and to prowl for her next meal she clothed herself in love and kindness, only to poison those closest to her until they are damaged beyond repair. She could only ever ruin so many relationships before she understood that the devil lived inside of her making her a toxic landfill disguised in fake beautiful grass and flowers - she had never been afraid of the monster in her closet, she had always been terrified by the one she saw in the mirror.  She didn't remember which night it was - the one she left, like a thief, not making a sound, knowing that he heard her. It made her decision easier when he didn't even try to stop her. It was selfish - he had been badly broken too. She felt the failure calling out her name - she couldn't make it better for him because she was a mess. She had lost herself and she wasn't sure she wasn't sure she wanted to be found. And so she left. She took a few clothes with her and left.  She had no solid plan for her days ahead. She couldn't find a point to it. She had wandered aimlessly when she found herself in a small city that did not speak English. She had smiled painfully to herself. A stranger among strangers. 

Not long after her decision to stay there for a while, she had to find a way to earn some money in order to get by. The kind old lady, who had helped her with almost everything, seeing in her face the granddaughter she had lost just mere weeks before she turned up in her door - since she was one of the very few people who spoke English -  had offered her a job she thought it would suit her. There was a small place where those who stayed behind went to drink and listen to old and soft songs about loss, love and pain. They were missing a singer. She had thought why not.  Isabella had been nothing but kind and sweet, just like a real grandmother - not that she had met one.  "Grief is a deeply personal and solitary journey. No one can truly feel or understand your loss but you, even those who have experienced it themselves. But grief is also love, and for that reason it has a right to exist and be felt. It is the debt we owe our memories. It is the final way we love someone" she had soothed her after the first time she heard her sing. There was pain in her voice, even when she sung in Spanish. She had never believed it would cost her everything. Yet, it did. 

 Months flew by as she had fallen into a simple yet so human routine. Many handsome men had threw themselves to her but she had closed herself, letting no one in. She had lost people along the way. She had left others behind. She had cut them out of her life, sometimes uncertain if it was the right decision. Looking back, she had done things she might have regretted now. This quieter life she had now was closer to the one she had been dreaming the cold nights that she had been held by HYDRA or trained by Madam B. She couldn't sake the feeling that something was missing - she was different and she hadn't ever realized. The girl from her past wasn't the woman she had grown to be.  "Hay un hombre guapo buscándote, cariño" Isabella suddenly told her, making her slightly jump from the couch she had been seated for at least two hours, starring at the wall. Seeing her lost eyes, Isabella sat down next to her and took her hands in hers.  "Listen, cariño. Love transcends gender, age, political beliefs; it crosses borders. It’s literally the strongest motivator and force we have. It makes people do things they can’t explain. And it comes in all forms and it comes when you least expect it and it comes and it goes and it changes and people have spent years and wrote books and studied the stars trying to understand it. And sometimes it’s the boy you called over to get over,  the boy you were crying about and sometimes it’s the girl you grew up next door to your whole life and sometimes it’s a friend who saved your soul or a baby you didn’t expect. But it’s all around us in forms yet to be manifested- letters yet to be written, hands yet to be held. And all goodness stems from it and it literally changes the world. So even though it sometimes causes us pain and it drags us into situations we didn’t ask for, we can never close ourselves off to it or give up on it. We have to keep loving because it’s the closest thing we have to magic and without it we’re just a conscious pile of bones and life means nothing. Ve hacia el" and just like that, from the mouth of someone who used to be a stranger, the entire meaning of life and love and pain was summed up into a minute of hope. Isabella had lost her son and her granddaughter, everyone she ever loved and yet, there she was telling her to embrace life with its bad and its good. Tears she had no idea when they escaped, were running down her face. "Mi bella Isabella, gracias por tu sabiduría. Gracias por tu amor. But if I go to him, I'll leave you and I can't do that to you" she told her truthfully. Isabella just shook her head and smiled.  "I'll always be here. Go to him, cariño". She kissed her cheek and hugged her as tightly as she would love to be hugged. She had been everything she was missing.

 As the song went on, her eyes fell on him - he had just entered the place. And every memory she kept tacked away, came back rushing through her veins. In her head, she could hear Isabella's words but her heart just didn't want to get hurt again. She knew the moment he talked to her, she would succumb her entire being to his hands. 

War was the only dance he had ever known and she wished they could have had more time amid the chaos and fire and blood to show him that there could be another way. She fell in love with the way he saw the world, the way he saw her... She fell in the chasm of his soul and his light. She would gladly drown in the darker half of the sea to hold him in her arms for more than just that single night of peace. She had been aware that they had met and they had loved in a warzone and even though his kisses had melted away the gunfire, they still held echoes of the fire burning in him but she knew hers were the same. He had been worth the risk time and time again because with his hand burning into her skin, she had hope once more ... and the blood that had stained him couldn't take away his goodness and the stars that had betrayed him, didn't mean she forsaken her devotion. There had always been a rage built inside their souls, just like this love was worthy of burning empires down ... screams that follow them all the way home only to be quieted when she kissed the blood from his lips... and even when the universe will force them to part he will remain, echoing in her heart that only belonged to him. She knew that they were the ugly parts of the love story but she also knew they were the beautiful ones too. The song came to an end and she went to the table she held every night, the one far away from the lights and the people. Eyes never leaving his, she nodded for him to join her, as she poured herself a glass of red wine. He had never been so afraid of a moment and its impact. He had no idea what to say to her or how to be around her, when she poured and offered him another glass of wine.  "I didn't know you could sing" he told her before he hid his face in his hands, only to resurface as red as a tomato. She tried to swallow her laughter but failed.  "You're still not good with women, Steve" and just by saying his name, her heart places itself in his hands. He smiled brightly even though he had messed up his opening line, it had worked out. She was sipping her wine with a fondness he had never seen before. Maybe leaving was the best thing she had done - and he would be selfish to ask her back. Again. Not leaving her alone, to decide her own path. He needed her in a way he hadn't needed anyone since...  "I will come back Steve. But I need you to promise me that we will search and search over and over again for a way to undo this -and if we don't find one it will be because there isn't, not because we overlooked it" she told him boldly with her eyes a soft lilac color, as she looked over her shoulder, signaling to someone to approach them He was taken aback. He believed that she wouldn't even want to talk about what had happened. He had seen the way Bucky had looked at her before he... and he had already suspected his feelings towards her. Steve knew it had a great impact on her - not that it had been the only reason for her breakdown. After realizing her new powers she had refused to use them because they were the reason half of the planet was dead. He looked at her with a new found admiration - she was the bigger person.  "Of course. May I ask why?" he prepared himself to hear a reason he wouldn't like, instead, his heart broke a little bit more.  She smiled and stood up to give her sit to an old woman he had never seen before. It was the first time Steve saw this side of her.  "Isabella, este es Steve. Ese hombre guapo que me estaba buscando" she spoke in Spanish making him question if he knew her at all. Isabella took his hands into hers and looked at him just like his mother would have, which caused some tears to appear. They got to know each other and he realized that she had never felt the love of a family - and she craved it. When Isabella said her goodnight, having already invited him to spend the night in her house, she grew quiet. She knew he was waiting for an answer. "She is the reason why. She lost everything - her son, her granddaughter - and yet she hasn't lost hope. She told me to live life with everything that comes with it and embrace it because it's all we got.  She is the reason I am talking to you. She told me 'go to him' because love is the closest thing we have to magic and I couldn't just tell her I have magic running through my veins but couldn't save her family" she said with fire in her words and determination pouring over her. 

It felt wrong. Being back, felt wrong. She had followed him once again, but this time she hadn't found the people she had last time. She felt out of time – as if she didn’t belong. No one was waiting for her; Natasha was broken and Tony was nowhere near the place. Maybe she had been naïve for trusting him again; deep down she knew the only thing they had been left with was bitterness. She spent her days reading, training and trying out different things. Steve had an unhealthy need to fill Sam’s shoes as he had begun some group session. The irony was obvious to her; He was telling them, urging them to move on while he would never. She had seen as much in his eyes when they were talking about his past and the beginnings of his story – way before he became Captain America. There was one particular story he didn’t feel like sharing and she understood why – but also bothered her. She had kept her promise and had searched everything in order to find a way to undo this. She had spent days and nights looking for an answer. There had been times she felt so useless she wouldn’t get out of her room – nobody dared to disagree with her on those days. Slowly yet steadily, Steve and her grew distant and she felt as if they were miles apart even when they were sitting right next to each other. Being positive had never been one of her assets and that fake optimism Steve had, got on her nerves. Then again, maybe it was just his way of coping with the events. She had found herself longing to leave the base and go back to Isabella’s house more than enough times to realize that she never felt at home in the Avenger’s base. And the years flew by without even noticing it. The only thing new must had been the fact that she met Carol, a woman with many of her own powers and a life experience to match them. Other than that, Natasha had been obsessing over Clint – who had gone dark after his family disappearance. She could never say that all of those people had died – they had just dusted away. Which was the same and she had been fooling herself for a very long time. Steve had been the positive fucking little unicorn in front of others but he was so lost when they were alone. A raccoon was sending them emails with reports and Nebula wanted to get revenge a tad more than all of them combined.  She knew things were bound to be different, but she couldn’t recognize anything anymore. She had been drifted away from those around her because she didn’t feel a connection to them anymore – the only thing they had in common was anger. She had just made a cup of coffee when Steve walked in, finding Natasha on the verge of crying as he went on about the bright side, but Nat wasn’t having it. She just plopped down next to Natasha, smiling towards Steve without even bothering to listen to their conversation but her eye caught something. Something unexpected. “Oh! Hi. Hi! Is anyone home? This is Scott Lang. We met a few years ago, at the airport? In Germany? I got really big, and I had my mask on. You wouldn't recognize me” Scott Lang was rumbling on at their front gate. Before she could register their reactions, she had buzzed him in and left the room running towards him. “Have you ever studied Quantum Physics?” Scott asked them a moment later. “Only to make conversation” came a sarcastic answer by Natasha, which didn’t bring him down. “Alright. So... five years ago, right before Thanos, I was in a place called the Quantum Realm. The Quantum Realm is like its own microscopic universe. To get in there, you have to be incredibly small. Hope, she's my... She was my... She was supposed to pull me out. And then Thanos happened, and I got stuck in there” he said while he was struggling not to tell the entire truth about their relationship. “I'm sorry. That must've been a very long five years” Natasha sincerely told him only to be shocked when he replied the most unbelievable thing. “Yeah, but that's just it. It wasn't. For me, it was five hours”. Steve and Nat shared a quick bewildered glance, while she had figured it out, because she had indeed studied Quantum Physics. “See, the rules of the Quantum Realm aren't like they are up here. Everything is unpredictable. Is that anybody's sandwich? I'm starving” Scott said as he strode over to pick up Nat's sandwich, and bit into it. “Scott, what are you talking about?” Steve asked him confused and puzzled. “What he is saying is, time works differently in the Quantum Realm” she chimed in, gaining a strange look from Steve and a very impressed one from Scott. “The only problem is right now, we don't have a way to navigate it. But what if we did? I can't stop thinking about it. What if, we could somehow control the chaos, and we could navigate it? What if there was a way to enter the Quantum Realm at a certain point in time but then exit at another point in time? Like...” he went on. “Like before Thanos” she half-whispered. “Wait, are you two talking about a time machine?” Steve asked as he couldn’t believe his ears. “No. No, of course not. No, not a time machine. It's more like a... Yeah, a time machine. I know it's crazy. But I can't stop thinking about it. There's gotta be some way... There's gotta be...some w... it's crazy” his craziness was making her head dizzy. She knew they would have to talk to her father, sooner or later. She hoped it would be later but that was not gonna the case. “Scott, I get e-mails from a raccoon, so nothing sounds crazy anymore” Nat reassured him. “So who do we talk to about this?” Scott cut to the chase and everyone looked at her. 

They pulled over at his cabin and one by one got out of the car. Tony looked at them and she could tell that he was not looking forward to the discussion about to take place. He acknowledged her with a single hey, and so she decided to let them talk in peace while she was gazing at the lake from afar. "I know you got a lot on the line. You got a wife, a daughter. But I lost someone very important to me. A lot of people did. And now, now we have a chance to bring her back. To bring everyone back. And you're telling me that won't even... “ his voice got louder as he tried to sell his desperation to Tony. “That's right, Scott, I won't even. I got a kid” Tony simply told them, making her remark. “Yeah, now he’s got a kid” she retorted, making him realize what he had just said. As on cue, Morgan run to her dad, who picked her up. “Mommy told me to come and save you. And to tell to the pretty girl to stay a while” Morgan told him as she pointed at his other daughter. “Good job. I'm saved. I wish you'd come here to ask me something else. Anything else. Honestly, I... I missed you guys, it was... Oh, and table's set for six” he went on and informed them. “Tony, I get it. And I'm happy for you, I really am. But this is a second chance” Steve tried to reason with him but she already knew he wasn’t gonna give up just yet. He had to solve it on his own. “I got my second chance right here, Cap. I can't roll the dice again. If you don't talk shop, you can stay for lunch. And you should stay for a while” he concluded as he turned to face her. She smiled at him. She was going to stay a while and Steve saw it. It was hard to say goodbye but unfortunately it had become easier with the years. Steve, Nat and Scott were walking back to their car outside Tony's house as she was stepping inside, hugging Pepper. She could feel him slipping away from her life but she didn’t know how to keep him there – well, she didn’t even know if he wanted to be there anymore.

The day had been quiet, Pepper was an amazing mother and Tony was trying to be a great dad but he knew that he had failed once before, so he wasn’t hoping for much. They had lunch and she met Morgan a bit better. The kid was smart, but that didn’t come as a surprise, it was rather a given. “So how do you two know each other?” she asked suspiciously as she eyed her. Tony almost chocked but she kept her calm, as she was sipping a glass of wine. “We used to work together for a project, sweetie” she smoothly told her without raising any suspicion and even thought Tony felt relieved, Pepper shoot him an angry look, making him nod his head as if they made a promise. “You’re an Avenger!” Morgan exclaimed, excited with her new discovery. But before she could say a thing, Morgan begun asking questions – more questions than anyone before, leaving her stumped. “Honey, come on. Don’t bombard her with your questions. Wanna help me with dessert?” Pepper came to the rescue quickly and she couldn’t be more thankful. Silence fell and it was awkward because no one was going to break it first and Pepper knew as she said louldy "talk". Both of them rolled their eyes at that. "She is smart, that's from your side and she is beautiful - that's all Pepper" she commented shortly after. He almost laughed at her quick comeback.  "How are you? How are things back?" he asked her sincerely, trying to make up for all the lost time. She shook her head, not wanting to lie. Something he understood very well.  "Let me guess. You have been drifted away from people, especially Steve" he made a wild guess and he knew he was right. She stopped hiding her feelings. "Everything I thought I had is no longer. That's why I came here with them. They are asking you to be a hero and save the world. I just wanted to ask you a favor. A while back, I... I left and went -" "To a nice lady called Isabella, who lost her son and granddaughter" he finished her sentence for her, leaving her puzzled. "What? Did you really think I wasn't looking after you?" he asked her. "Well, you left to start a family and didn't even call, so... um. I should have" she concluded at last. He disagreed with her. She had stayed there, not to ask him to fight with them, but to help her find a way, because she knew that there was going to be o return for him and she wanted Morgan to have both of her parents and to feel loved. One of his daughters should. 

She was just watching him work from the couch as she was drinking a hot cup of tea. “Look at a mod inspiration, let me see what check out. So, recommend one last sim before we pack it in for the night” he gave orders to his computer. “Maybe in the shape of a mobius strip, inverted, don’t you think?” she commented as she took a look to the holographic experiment. He agreed with an impressed look. “Do as the lady suggests” he informed Friday. “Processing... “ “Give me that eigenvalue. That, particle factoring, and a spectral decomp. That will take a second” he had just stepped away, towards the couch but it was not to be. “And don't worry if it doesn't pan out. I'm just kinda –“ “Model rendered” Friday announced sending waves of bewilderments down her spine. Tony in a complete shock of amazement as the render came back as 99.987% successful, fell back ecstatic by this discovery. “Shit!” they both exclaimed at the same time. “Shit” Morgan giggled as she repeated the word they had just uttered. Tony took on the father roll quicker than she had thought as he nodded to her to take care of everything that had just been projected while he took Morgan away. They had solved time travel. They had actually found out how to go back in time. Her mind was blown away just by looking at it. As she was walking around the holographic model, Pepper came down the stairs looking for her. “You should rest honey. It’s late” she told her like a mother would. She smiled at her and waited for Tony to get back. “Maybe it’s not” she told her, leaving her puzzled. They both sat on the couch, Pepper reading a book and she was just thinking of the endless possibilities. People less lucky than her would get to see the sun again. Isabella’s family. Spider-kid, Wanda, Strange, Bucky. Oh Gods, Bucky. She had tried to forget about him and how much it had affected her. It had been one of the few failures of her life. “Not that it's a competition, but she loves me 3000. You were somewhere on the low 6 to 900 range” Tony announced as he joined them and got Pepper to scoff. “What are you reading?” he asked absentmindedly as she noticed. “Oh, it's just a book on composting” Pepper told him, making her long for a simple life once more. “What's new with composting?” he asked again without really wanting an answer. Before she could, he cut her off. “We figured it out, by the way” he blurred out, pointing at his daughter proudly. “You know, just so we're talking about the same thing –“ Pepper tried to catch up on their new discovery, very happy they were working together. “Time travel” he simply informed like it was nothing. “What? Wow... That's amazing, and... terrifying. Oh, that’s why you told me maybe it’s not late” she told him amazed as she turned to her still very much astonished. “We got really lucky” she commented and both of them agreed. “Yeah, I know” her father said a tad sad. “A lot of people didn't” Pepper softly nudged him. “No, I can't help everybody” he tried to be civilized and open for debate about it. “It sorta seems like you can. Both of you” his wife disagreed. “Not if I stop. I can put a pin in it right now, and stop” he insisted but they all new what was about to happen. “Tony, trying to get you to stop has been one of the few failures of my life” Pepper echoed her thought from moments ago. Tony smiled proudly about that very fact. “I sometimes feel I should put it in a locked box and drop it at the bottom of a lake... go to bed” he had almost given up on saying no. He wasn’t able to deny that she was right. “But would you be able to rest?” her soft voice pierced through his head. “And neither would you. I know that you left at some point because the memories were too much” she told her with honesty. She couldn’t believe how selfless Pepper was being about something so dangerous. “Come on, kiddo. It’s time to sleep. Tomorrow we are gonna go on a trip” Tony urged his daughter. She could get use to that. “Goodnight Pepper. Goodnight To-… dad” she finally told him, making him smile in pure happiness for the first time in a while.  

The whole world was changing and she had been a part of that very fact. Every plan, every strategy and every theory had been mapped out but she knew that sometimes, even the cleverest of minds can miss a point – so small that no one could have seen. Wanda was trying destroy Thanos, having cost everything to her, Scott and Hope were trying to kick start the engine of the van and everyone was trying to get the gauntlet as far away as possible, without it being very easy of a task. 

Pepper landed next to Okoye, followed by Mantis, Shuri, the Wasp, Gamora, Nebula and herself much to everyone else’s opinion – they all thought she was going to be right by Steve. Thanos' army charged while they helped Carol Danvers gey through the Outriders, Sakaarans and Chitauri. When Carol and she flew towards the van with the Gauntlet, Thanos, after being stopped by Pepper, Shuri and Hope, threw his double sword at the van, destroying it completely. He knocked Carol down and smacked Tony away as Thor arrived in an attempt to pin Thano’s arm down – Steve came rushing towards them, helping Thor but they were all overpowered. In a desperate attempt, when she saw Thanos picking up the gauntlet she punched him away. Thanos grabbed her by the arm and threw her away like she weighted nothing. Thanos put on the gauntlet, gamma radiation from the stones all over his body, as he tried to snap, but she arose again, and stopped his fingers from snapping, opening up his hand similar to what she had seen Steve doing in the other battle. She almost had him, forcing him onto his knees, as her powers were finally enough, she was ready to steal the stones herself. She knew she could take them on – she was part of them and they were part of her. But alas, he pulled the Power Stone out of the Gauntlet and used it in his free hand to hit her away, almost killing her in the prosses. Tony was looking at his daughter terrified and too scared to think of what might happen. He made one last attack on Thanos, having an entirely different plan on his mind. Thanos pushed him away, ending up right next to his older daughter. All it took was one look and she knew – before she could anything at all, everything was already over. “I am inevitable” Thanos snapped his fingers, but nothing happened. He saw that the stones were missing. “NO!” she screamed but Tony simply smiled at her. s except a metallic "clink." He sees the Infinity Stones are missing.

“And I– am– Iron Man”.

The cruelest thing that someone had done to her was first claim to love her more than anything in the world. That he had never seen anything as exquisite as her. That she was every star in the night sky. That he would never leave her. And then one day, out of the blue he did. He lulled her into a false sense of security, convincing her that this, this is the forever love she have been looking for. This is the kind of love she needed all this time, the kind of love she had craved and let her get comfortable in it because it would last. And then, one day, he walked away. He made her believe that there would never be another. And then one day, he forgot her. He simply left without warning after promising her eternity. How ephemeral it turned out to be... It had been years since he came back. Not him - not her Steve. Peggy's Steve. She had refused to meet him - she had refused to even look at him, or be in the same building. She felt betrayed. She had lost Natasha as she had sacrificed herself to get the fucking Soul Stone. She had lost her father and that felt on her - she still felt responsible. And then Steve had decided to leave her all alone to fight her demons after constantly reassuring her he loved her.  But he caught her by surprise, when he entered her office, as she was now in charge of everything her father once held - Morgan was too young and Pepper wanted some time off with her daughter. He knocked the door, waited for her to call him in and he entered. She had been facing the other way, on a phone call but the minute she turned and faced him, her phone fell on the floor and her heart skipped more beats than she could count. "Hello, Ms.. Stark. Do you have a minute for an old friend?" he was being polite as well as sarcastic but her mind had already imploded, so what the fuck? Gaining some of her confidence back, she raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms.  "We were never friends, Mr. Rogers" she fired coldly but he knew her better and she hated it. He looked at her and all it took was a moment. He too raised his eyebrow and walked towards her with absolutely no intention of leaving. Before she could register his acts, he had enveloped her in to his big hug and she felt so fucking angry - it still felt like home. Without even knowing it, she was crying with her head almost resting on his chest.  "It’s weird. It’s weird how you have the same face but you’re a completely different person. It’s weird how I have so many amazing memories with you but they died off as you’re a completely different person. It’s weird that I’m mourning over someone that is still alive because you’re a completely different person. It’s weird, you’re a completely different person. And I hate you for leaving me, but I can never really hate you because I love you" she told him as he sat them down to her couch. She left his arms to look at him. She lowered her walls and finally opened up to him again.  "If I could do it all again, I would stay up later. I would ask more questions, unashamed of how personal they were and not afraid that I wouldn’t like the answers. If I could start over with you, I wouldn’t doubt my instincts. I wouldn’t fear what people thought if I catered to your every whim and laughed at every stupid joke. If I could try again, I would embrace every moment of every fight and ask for everything I needed from you. I wouldn’t worry if I was too needy, too attached, too much of anything. I would be myself more. I would scream louder. I wouldn’t hesitated to tell you I love you, in every way, every day. If I could do it again, I would not love you in halting steps always looking for some sort of validation that I was stepping on solid ground. I would jump into you and if you didn’t catch me, then I would still be picking up the same broken pieces I am now" she sincerely told him. She had lost both her friend and her father, both of them in the name of salvation and then Steve choose to leave her and go back. She had refused to exist for a while because she couldn't function. As everything crumbled around her, she had looked for a something to hold on to, but those closest couldn’t hear her amidst their screaming matches. She looked for those who swore to be there during her weakest moment only to see the illusion fade away leaving only crossed fingers, emptiness, and disappointment. She was done searching for someone, when someone did appear.  Without even thinking about it, he wiped a single tear that ran across her cheek. He wasn't her Steve, but those eyes...  "I never believed that I would have felt the way you made me feel after all those years in the ice. I owe you everything. And repaying you in the way I did... I wouldn't have forgiven me if I were you. An apology won't help, I know. For what it’s worth, you will always hold a special place" he told her in tender way that reminded her of their story and more tears found their way out. And he wiped every single one of them. She could tell from the way he hugged her when he saw her. He had kept the silent promise he had made when she was too drunk to remember what she had asked of him. Years had passed since she allowed herself to see him again. After saying a polite hello, they hugged like friends did. But then he squeezed her a little tighter right before he let go. She had almost rested her head on his chest out of habit, because it suddenly felt just like old times. She had thought she'd never be in his embrace again but there they were. They both wanted to hold on tighter but they knew they were different now. But she could tell from the way he hugged her, from the way he held on just a little longer, that somewhere, deep down...  "I missed you too" she smiled at him, a strange but very much wanted feeling of relief washing over her heart. They both knew, no one could stop loving. Once you have loved someone honestly, truly, you will never be able to un-love them. You can only find someone you will love more. At that time, your old love will not feel so strong, but it will always be in your heart, it will never let you forget something that at some point along the way made you happy.  "You hold a special place in someone else's heart too, you know" he commented like a genie. Her eyebrow arched. "Stop playing matchmaker, you old wise owl" she mocked him. At least, she could start again. He still held her face in his hands, he still held a piece of her, he would always be her first love. The bigger the love, the harder the fall. They stayed like that until Bucky walked into her office, looking for her. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously when he saw Steve holding her but he reprimanded himself almost immediately. She saw the way Steve looked up at him and she knew he wanted some alone time him. Leaving his hands was harder than she thought, smiling at all times. "Don't be a stranger, Rogers" she bid him goodbye but his eyes told her this wasn't the last time they would see each other and she found solace. She passed Bucky in her way out, smiling brightly to him, making his eyes sparkle in hope. She had just left the room when she heard Steve being completely honest.

"She is different now. I was too much of a punk to see how beautiful she really was. Her heart was beautiful, she cared so much about me and I never understood why. I don't think I treated her the way she deserves to be treated - but you do. Don't look at me like that, Bucky. I am old, not blind. I can see the way you two look at each other. Back then, her love scared me, it was so intense. I almost forgot how enticing her smile was. She just wasted so many tears on someone like me and for that I will never forgive me" he told his friend but his mind was someplace else. She smiled to herself and finally left them alone. Whatever was to come, she would face it. Finding closure had never been about forgetting. It had never been about drowning out the voices of her past or about closing her heart to memories that used to make you happy. Finding closure meant accepting a situation for what it was and moving on. It was coming to terms with the way things were and knowing that she couldn't change what had happened, but could still find growth among the broken pieces.

 _____

“I am so glad I got my heart broken. It led me to you”. ____

Taglist: @accio-rogers @coffee-with-orion @stydia-4-ever​ @smilexcaptainx​ @elliee1497​

[boywivlove]

| Lutz | 01 

Chapters | 02

Pairing: Past Hoseok x Reader | Eventual Jimin x Reader

Genre: Figure skating AU | Slight angst | Fluff

Words: 1K +

Summary : After your last performance at the Junior world championships leaves you with a broken leg, your longtime boyfriend and team mate Jung Hoseok decides to partner with someone else and sign with a new agency  for the next competition, leaving you behind with the remains of a severed relationship. 2 years go by and your leg has long since healed, but a nasty blow to your confidence has put you off the idea of return to the competition circuit after being left behind. But when a chance meeting with an old friend catches you by surprise, you find yourself with a new partner. And after working hard you end right back where everything went wrong. But this time your going to show just far you’ve come.

Warnings : Mentions of broken bones and injury | some strong language |

Authors Note: Heyyyy SO Im still here haha, Ive been so busy with work and getting ready for christmas Ive not had time to write, but hopefully people are still here and want to read my skater AU hahah >W<

Its funny how things can change so quickly. You feel like everything just fits together, like a jigsaw portraying the image of your perfect life. You never really think about the perfection shattering like a mirror and you, being left to pick up the pieces of your once perfect reflection. Some things are just not meant to last forever I guess.

It was currently autumn time in your small little town, the leaves had long since shifted from lush greens into the beautiful hues of orange and red, like fire lining the cobbled streets. The chill in the air calling for thick winter wear and stalls of delicious hot foods perfect for this kind of weather. Yet as you walk the busy street, your once beloved time of year now only brought you broken memories and an ache in your bones you couldn’t seem to shift. 

You readjusted your messenger bag as you opened the door to the small coffee shop, the bell chiming as you felt the warmth kiss your frostbitten cheeks. It had been two years to the day when your dreams were ripped away from you. It was in this very cafe that you remember every detail of that night, every word he spoke to try and make you see his point of view, as if to soften the blow of his abandonment. Who was he trying to kid? His name was Jung Hoseok, Jhope in the figure skating circles. Yes, THAT Jung Hoseok. Lovable bad boy Pro skater Jung. god. damn. Hoseok. It was such a bad break up, if you could call it a break up. More like complete abandonment in your opinion. Who the hell abandons their girlfriend and skating partner for competition? Him thats who. 

It all happened at the junior world championships. You and Hoseok had been partners for 10 years, ever since you could balance on your skates. and for 5 years you had been a couple going strong. All the training you put in had led up to that moment, the moment to prove yourselves and be scouted out by the mass of agencies that had attended in hopes of snatching some new blood. It was finally your turn and you both breezed through the routine, the toe loops? no sweat. the Salchows were child’s play for you both. But then came the triple lutz. You had practices this particular move almost a hundred times and every time you were near perfect. But that one particular moment. The one time you needed to be flawless, lady luck decided fortune was not in the cards for you. You lost footing mid air and Boom. One broken femur and a trip to the hospital later you felt your ego bruised and your chances of being talent scouted shot.

It was two months later into your recovery Hoseok had asked you to meet at the cafe you sat in now, four booths over in fact. You had arrived a little late due to your injury inconvenience. He had ordered your favourite hot drink, peppermint hot chocolate and asked how you were. You didn’t think nothing of it but he had been distant since the accident. It wasn’t anything you felt you had to worry about, you were confined to the house the majority of your time after being released from the hospital so it was natural to you you hadn’t seen him in weeks. It was only when he cleared his throat and bit his lip you knew something was on his mind, it was a habit he had since he was a kid. Time seemed to slow down in that moment as your world caved in from under you.

“hey listen,, this is a little hard for me to say…”

“oh? is everything alright? I know we haven't been able to practice in a while but once im all healed-”

“no no its,,, look Y/N ill be straight with you.”

“ o- ok?”

“Y/N,, I want to go somewhere with my figure skating. and with you off the ice for the foreseeable,,,, I dont think I can go anywhere.”

“ oh… uh- so,, are you saying you want to go solo?”

“Not quite,,, aghhh listen, after your accident I realised were on different levels in our skating, this just proves it. This competition should have been easy for us and you go and break your leg for fucks sake,”

“oh like it was my intention to make an idiot of myself out there? How can you blame me for that?! Hoseok if you just wait we can work, I can work on my routines. i ca-”

“Y/N I cant say thins any other way but, I got a call from the S.F.S.A and they want me in their program. They’ve partnered me with a great skater and she-”

“Wait… you've already signed with them,,, and got a new partner. Hoseok I cant… I cant believe you. We always said we skate together or not at all. and you know how much I wanted us to get into S.F.S.A TOGETHER? Its like you dont care about anything we worked towards… and just because I broke my leg? … I just. I cant believe you.”

“come on Y/N dont be like this. This is a big opportunity for me. The Seoul Figure Skating Association in a BIG deal. I thought you’d understand. Your my girlfriend why are you being like this”

“Im HURT Hobi!? The slightest inconvenience and you throw me away? ,,,”

The silence was deafening as the two of you sat in that booth, The lighting overhead made Hobis blonde tips look almost white, and your eyes shimmer with unshed tears. It was as if the Hobi you knew, the man you’d loved since childhood had disappeared the moment he sat down. After all the hard work and effort you had put in, both in your teamwork and relationship, was it all for nothing. 

“I dont think this is gonna work between us anymore… Things, things change. People change and, I want this Y/N. I cant wait for you anymore.”

Those few sentences broke your heart. With nothing else to say to him you stood up, your crutches steadying you as you said nothing, what could you say to someone who just threw away everything you had together for a chance at bettering his career,,, a career you both put so much effort into. A career he was perusing with someone new. Hoseok stood with you when you struggled to adjust your bag around your head, he looked as though he wanted to help you, but the angry tears threatening to spill out of your reddening eyes was enough to tell him not to. As you made your way to the entrance you looked back at him, his face was masked in an almost pained expression, his cheeks were starting to pinken and his jaw was shaking slightly as thought he was about to cry. You left the shop before you could hear him saying its for the best. if that was what he thought then he can leave you. You were just thrown to the kerb and in that moment. your perfect world had shattered. your reflection left broken into pieces on the floor.

So, two years later and here you sit, in the same cafe, looking over to the booth your whole life came crashing down. Your leg had healed well, and you took back to the ice almost instantly to train yourself up again, but after the pain of losing your partner on and off the ice, you just couldn’t find the confidence you once had. It was as if your competitive lust for figure sating had left you with Hobi. It was after your loss of confidence your mental health took an even bigger hit, you felt yourself declining from the world and the people around you as you just got by day to day. You felt you could heal from what happened physically, but not mentally. But all grey clouds have a silver lining, days went by, the sun came up, and you eventually felt like yourself again. It took a lot, but it was the lack of self confidence in yourself that led you to your current occupation, your local ice rink had an opening for the overseeing the beginners lessons for ages 5-10, as much as you wished you could get back to being the skater you once were, the kids have grown on you. Your days that were filled with dull moping around the now very single woman’s apartment was now filled with tiny rosy cheeked little faces eager to learn. and everyday you felt yourself becoming more and more like yourself. And its this part of your life when you meet someone who turns it all around for you.

[kendrixtermina]

Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

[adlexegam]

please tell me, am i in the wrong?

so basically i decided to join here cause i at least know my post wont get removed here. i tried posting my story on reddit’s AITA but my post kept getting removed because on their posts you cant post about abuse. so fuck it, here i am, hoping for someone other than my bf and myself to tell me im not wrong. context:i decided to invite my boyfriend over without telling my parents, i did it max 5 times. i was 16 at the time and he was 18. i got caught and my punishment was to get my phone taken away, my number cancelled, im no longer allowed to drive a car or get my license, im only allowed one friend, im not allowed my laptop anymore, im no longer allowed outside without constant supervision, cameras were installed in and out of the house, and just about every day since december of 2019 ive been getting told how disgusting i am for wanting to be with a n****r (my bf’s half puerto rican half white, i’m half hispanic and half white too), how if he was white he would have come to the front door and shook my parent’s hands and asked for permission to date their daughter, how im a dirty n****r lover who will get pregnant from him and have to slave away to take care of our half breed mistakes, how if i stay with him he’ll sell my body on the streets for money, how if i have sex with him ill get every std on the plant, all that 50′s bullshit. ive gotten pregnancy tested (im celibate), drug tested (mom claims she smelled weed in my room, so he’s a dirty n****r drug dealer apparently forcing me to do drugs, guess what i am against drugs since i know itll change my brain chemistry and i have weak lungs),and std tested (still celibate).  for the first few months after they found out i was allowed my laptop at home to do homework, and only allowed my phone during school. one day i got home and i got greeted to the fact that i no longer have a laptop and now have to use the house computer to do all my work at home. of course i got mad because for months ive been doing everything they wanted, and suddenly im being punished for being suspiciously good? my mom got on top of me and fought me to take off my backpack to take my airpods too, left my phone on the kitchen table. i grabbed my phone and locked myself in my room. she found out i took my phone, and once i unlocked the door i held my phone above my head so we can just talk. instead she got on top of me and started scratching me and all over my arms to get to my phone. i dropped it from the pain of the scratches on my arms. earlier that same day i was getting ready for school with my laptop open, camera taped over, looking for any school assignments i missed. my mom unlocked my door and saw my nude body getting ready with my laptop open, and just went back to the kitchen table and told my dad how much of a slut i am and how im posting my nude body on the internet. i quickly put on clothes and came up to her yelling how im just getting ready for school and how theres tape over the camera. i even told her to look at the laptop, the only thing open was google classroom. my dad got up and started yelling at me for being a slut and for talking back. for once i finally got tired of being yelled at, i finally stood up for myself. he punched me in the face and when my mom got in between to defend me (she caused the whole situation), his swings went back in on her stomach. i screamed dont hit my mother and tried to push her off him, he used the oppurtunity to grab my shoulder by my uniform and punch me in the shoulder. everything was a blur after that. my mother drove me to school and yelled how i shouldnt have been a whore on the internet. i fought back. before i got to school i yelled “please, just fuck off”. this is important later, because she used me saying that as the excuse for her getting on top of me and scratching me and ripping my backpack off my back. because i swore at her. it was okay. but here’s the important part. he hit me in front of the camera. i knew the police would ignore the emotional abuse ive been getting for my entire life. i got my physical evidence. finally, after 16 years, i had my evidence. i told my boyfriend what happened, and we agreed to meet after school the next day and call the police. i wanted to be emancipated, since my parents adamantly agreed that i (apparently) only wanted to be emancipated because my ‘poor street rat n****r boyfriend’ was manipulating me into it. ive been dreaming of this day since i was 8, when i realized what ive been told wasnt normal. they showed up on the corner of where i called. i told the policemen what happened to me the day before. they asked if i had any scars or bruises. i said no, he didnt punch me hard enough to get a bruise the next day, and my mother didnt scratch me hard enough to get scars. they knew what would happen if they gave me physical evidence. after i said that, the policeman interrogating me asked me something that will stay with me until the day i die. “he never really hit you, did he?” i began crying and saying yes! yes he did! i have video footage to prove it! we have cameras in the house! it happened right in front of the cameras! more questions ensued, and i was brought to the police station while my boyfriend waited at a local coffeeshop for me to finally be free from the abuse. at first i was scared, but the cops calmed me down. i told them everything. all my memories spilled from my mouth like water from the niagra falls. everything came rushing out, my fears, my forgotten memories i forced into my box of never to be remembered, the times before i feared for my life, the times i knew something wasnt right. i told them everything from the bottom of my heart. they listened and asked all the right questions.(if you want to know what happened to me and what i told them, ill post them in a future post if anyone cares)  one of the officers, the only one with melanin skin and a father to a beautiful girl, expressively felt sick from my stories, from my life. not even he could understand why, as a father, why any parent would find it right to do to me what they did. he was my favourite police officer, he was the kindest and the only one who really wanted me to feel comfortable. he talked to me on the level of a person, not a child. eventually cps came and he told me to tell her everything too. i did. she asked where i wanted to go if i got emancipated. i said to live with my boyfriend, his family is willing to take me in and once i get a job ill pay minimal rent so i can be free. she said ‘no, you cant live with a minor.’ i said he’s not a minor, he’s 18. she said ‘oh, then yeah you definetly cant live with him’ she said if i wanted to leave i would be put into a women’s shelter since i was too old to be adopted/put into foster care. she said i would be r*ped if i was put in there. she said i should just take it until im 18, then ill be fine. she said that there were no scars or bruises, so it wasnt that bad. (this part is blurry, the more i remember it the more the memories overlap, im sorry for any confusion) the police interrogated my parents. they believed every word they said. my mother used whitepages as a source to prove how my boyfriend lied about his name. my mother used our hours long calls to prove how im obviously being manipulated to lie. she said how im just a liar, as my father said, a pathological liar. they had no cause to me being a pathological liar, i was just born that way. i was lying to get into my manipulative boyfriend’s arms for my body to be used by him and his friends. i was obviously being manipulated, why would i want to leave my loving parents arms? i was obviously doing this just out of anger of getting my laptop and phone taken away, obviously. its not like they EVER did anything wrong to me, they were just teaching me to grow up a mature adult, ready for the world. they would never put their hands on me. the police never looked at the cameras. they never questioned me again. i was a liar. at home the child protective services lady said my room quote ‘ranked of weed’. i have never done weed. my boyfriend has never done weed in my room.  at the station they said they couldnt find a record of my boyfriend. i later found out that, even after he gave them his social security number, they still questioned his existence. at the station they told my parents they couldnt find his record (he has none, hes never committed a crime). at home a therapist came. to my knowledge, my boyfriend was never real (no record) and i would still have to be at home. i wanted to die. the therapist said she wanted to take me to a mental hospital. my mom was there and consented. my dad later came home, yelled at me in front of the therapist. she said im suicidal, with his consent she would call her supervisor to take me to the local mental hospital. he consented. while she called her supervisor from across the kitchen, he said: “she wants to kill herself? fuck if i care, she can drown herself in a river for all i care” i sat there shocked.  the mental hospital was a blur. once i got home i got my phone taken away too. my only communication would be from the 10+ year old computer we have in the kitchen. facing out so anyone that walks by can see what im doing. one of the cameras is watching me at all times, but is positioned so that it cant see what i am doing.  once i got home i used our kindle fire. i logged into discord on incognito mode. i asked him to send me his birth certificate. was he even real? was i even real? was our late nights of cuddling nothing? were the walks in the park nothing? were the ‘i love you’s nothing? did meeting his family from an hour long train ride mean nothing? were the chinese food dates nothing? were the confessions of our embarassing secrets nothing? were the times we had non-vaginal sex and laughed in the middle from how silly we were being mean nothing? were the times we had tiffs and talked it out mean nothing? did he save me from my ex-abusive partner just to use me? were the times we layed down next to each other with the only covering being my blanket, staring at each other in wonder of how lucky each of us were, was that nothing? when we spent hours telling each other our  entire life stories, was he lying? did the times he called my body the most beautiful thing he ever has seen, the times he’s said he didnt think he’d ever fall in love again from his ex, was that a lie? he sent his birth certificate. it was real. his birth date his name it was all real. he told me what happened to him. i told him what happened to me. he apologized for it going the way it did. i apologized for doubting him. child protective services sent a therapist me and my mother had to meet with weekly. 2 hours, 10 times. it lasted until the first weeks of quarantine. me and him are still in the same love we’ve has since before he found out how truly insane my parents are. the only reason we’ve ever gotten into fights is from how much he wants me to run away (before you say ‘ok maybe the parents were right, he sounds manipulative’, no, he only says that after every time something else happens at home and how he has to cope with the fact that im okay with being abused since its my normal. he wants me to run away from the abuse, not just so we can see each other again, so i wont be hurt anymore). he’s still the man i want to marry, the man i want to call mine and for him to call me his. we get scared the other might get tired of the waiting and just decide to leave for someone each other’s family would like. we talk through it. we know we can wait. i know i can take it until im 18. he knows he’ll be prepared to take me in once im 18. we know we can take the late nights awake, missing each other. we can take it because this isnt puppy love. this isnt purely passionate love. he wants me to be safe, and i want to finally be free. so you’re up to this point and you’re probably thinking one of three things: jesus christ can this lady capitalize anything?? or holy FUCK this is long it better be good or why did she title her post that? first of all, i do what a want nehenehenehneh second of all, whoever reads this needs the full context before i ask my question third of all, because of what happened a couple of days ago. a month ago my dad passed from covid-19. ive become the housewife while my mother has taken over the family business and my brother does the grass once a month. my mother still cooks, but i clean the dishes and fold laundry every day and vaccuum the whole house twice a week. a letter came in the other day stating how our child protective services case is now closed. they never found signs of physical abuse or neglect. my mother reminded me for the infinitieth time how stupid i am for getting manipulated. how much of a dirty n*****r lover i am. how i will never be anything without her. then she brought my father into this i started the situation, which made him depressed. he was depressed, so he couldnt fight off the virus. because he couldnt fight off the virus, he died. she blamed me for killing my father she blamed me for my father for deciding to go out every day without a mask for my father deciding to put in his eyedrops in an insanitary environment she blamed me  it was my fault i knew i was leaving when im 18 i knew i wanted to tell my mother at least a month before i left that i was leaving but now theres no going back once im 18, im gone im never turning back i will never be treated like this or talked down like this ever again but who will clean? who will vaccuum? who will make sure the house is organized? do i stay? can i even go? i just dont know anymore should i go? and well, what i started this post with, please tell me, am i in the wrong? for planning on leaving when im 18? to finish this post, i just want to say a few things. dont tell me to call the police or child protective services.i already did. they believed my abusive parents and told them how they can protect themselves against me, since i was the one who started all this. plus, look at the fucking news. no fucking wonder they believed my parents. my boyfriend looks hispanic and i look white. no fucking wonder they believed my parents. fuck cops. not all cops are bad, but no cop should fucking gun down people for their race. no person should be judged from some racist  person saying “oh im fearing for my life” and the person in question is black/a poc and is doing fucking nothing. they believed my fucking abusive parents because they threw my bf under the bus as bait and the police went for it. dont come after my family. all that will do is make everything worse for me. my mother can’t even look at a poc without claiming they’re related to my boyfriend and are going to follow her to kill her. dont do anything to me. just please answer my question. please just tell me if im in the right or if im in the wrong. i know this is abuse. i know whats happening to me is wrong. but i know i can take it. i know i can survive. i will survive and achieve my dream of becoming a doctor. i will be my own person. i am me

[aestheticseungmean]

Memories-Ateez

Synopsis- After an accident causing you to be chained to the hospital bed makes you forget your memories, soon you’ll remember each member.

Warning: This is 𝑛𝑜𝑡 accurate.

Colors are the memories

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The wires trapped you to the bed. The tubes made your nose sore but you needed them so you could breathe. The IV made you unable to move your arm much and the constant in and out of sleeping exhausted you. The raspy sound of you breathing and the steady beeping of the monitor were the only sounds in the room. But that sound was soothing to the people who visited you because it meant you were still alive. Blinding lights gave you constant headaches all the time. Words came out of your mouth but they were weak. “Mingi?” He looked up at you hopefully. “Yes?” “Can you turn the lights down?” Happily, he turned down the lights.

Slowly, you were slipping into sleep until a sharp pain shocked you awake and you gasped for air. “MINGI-“ you grasped the bed, your body shaking vigorously. Scared, he called the doctors who ushered him out of the room. “NO. I NEED TO BE IN THERE WITH HER.” He fought and clawed until security dragged him to the waiting room. The boys that were waiting for him had to hold him back. “I know that she’s important to you, Mingi but she’s important to us too.” “YOU DON’T KNOW HOW BAD IT HURTS, SEONGHWA.” Mingi turned towards the doors but Seonghwa turned him around. “BULLSHIT, MINGI. I’M HER BOYFRIEND FOR FUCK SAKE. I LOVE HER SO YEAH, I KNOW HOW BAD IT HURTS. NOW SIT DOWN.”

It was currently 3 AM so nobody was being bothered except the few nurses that remained there. Mingi reluctantly sat down. A few hours later, Seonghwa went to grab some drinks. As he was coming back the doctor came out. “Mingi, your sister has stabilized but…she might have lost some or all of her memory including you guys.” Audible gasps were heard as Mingi dropped down onto the floor and cried. This was worse than when his parents died. Shock froze Seonghwa and he dropped the tray of drinks. The liquid splattered everywhere and tears welled in his eyes. “Can we see her?”asked Jongho. The doctor nodded and the boys followed him leaving the mess for the janitor.

There you sat even worse than ever. You had a new gown and I.V. The medicine wore off and you were awake. You looked with wide eyes at the boys coming into the room. Mingi reached out to touch your hand but you pulled it away. “Who are you?” That’s what it took to make Mingi break down again. His own sister didn’t remember him. You looked around the room and a red-haired boy caught your attention. You knew him but you couldn’t put your finger on it. He softly smiled at you and then it hit you. “Hongjoong?”

Memories flooded your head. Hongjoong washed your cuts and bruises. “I’m going to start calling you Eomma, Joongie. He smiled at you and played along. “Then I should call you grandma because you are prone to accidents.” “Yah! You act like I hurt my finger when I touch you.” Laughter filled the air. “You did remember?” Another memory popped up. “HONGJOONGIE? GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS?” “Is it hump day?” “No.” You pouted. Hongjoong smiled at you being cute. “IT’S. MY. BIRTHDAY!” Each breath, you poked him. “I’m twelve now!” “Old lady! Old lady!” You poked him again and held your finger. “OW, MY FINGER!” “I’ll kiss it to make it better.” He kept true to his word and kissed your finger. “Thanks, Joongie~”

Hongjoong moved towards you and nodded. “It’s me. How did you know?” “Your smile, Hongjoong Eomma.” A loud sob came from the floor and you saw the boy that tried to touch you. He was crying and you couldn’t figure out why. “Excuse me, nurse?” The nurse who was doing your vitals looked at you. “Can you help me to the bathroom?” She nodded and helped you. When you flushed the toilet, you turned to the sink. You looked up and gasped. The slightly less plump lips and a softer nose stood out to you. You had the same features as the boy but softer and smaller. With the nurse’s help, you waddled back to the room.

A few weeks later, you could walk by yourself. The same 8 boys came to the room everyday. Each time, the same boy cried. He was sitting in the chair biting back his tears when you got up and slowly walked towards him. He looked up at you confused. Softly, you grab his hand and held it before asking a question. “You’re my brother aren’t you?” Realization came to him and he jumped up and nodded. You made an m sound with your mouth but you couldn’t continue. His name slipped your mind. “M-m-mi-“ you sighed. “It’s okay, I’m just glad you remembered who I was to you.” You softly brushed away his tears and smiled. “I’ll get it so don’t tell me.” He nodded and hugged you. “Yeosang, come here.” You heard from somewhere in the room. Yeosang you repeated. Yeosang, Yeosang, Yeosang.

A brief memory of you being pushed on the swing on a summer afternoon appeared. You were laughing and smiling with the boy who was pushing you but you kept screaming. “Yeosang, higher.” “Don’t fall.” But you did. You fell and cried. The boy carried you in his arms to your house and you could hear your brother reprimanding him. “SHE SAID HIGHER.” “THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD DO IT.” “SHE’S 18! YOU DON'T HAVE CONTROL OVER HER LIFE.” You stared at the ceiling waiting for it to stop. “EVER SINCE MOM AND DAD DIED IN THAT CRASH, IT HAS BEEN JUST US SO SORRY IF I AM TOO PROTECTIVE.”

Yeosang. You remembered. “Excuse me, um M-Min- argh! I’ll be right back.” Quickly, you scanned the room and saw a boy with a birthmark on his face. You tapped on his shoulder. He turned around hopeful. “Yes?” “Yeosang!” You were sure of it. He looked the same as the boy just older. “You remembered!” He hugged you. “Yeosang, higher,” you repeated from your dream. “That was two years ago.” “I remember though.” They were excited that you were slowly remembering them through memories. Within two weeks, you remembered two out of eight names and three out of eight faces. Even the doctor was surprised by her recovery speed. Thinking of the doctor, he came into the room to deliver news.

“Glad to see you are all awake!” “Hello, doctor.” All eyes and ears were on him. “You can go home in two days, we just want to run a few more post trauma tests. At the rate she is going, she might remember you all by the end of the year.” Cheers and smiles filled the room. Two days later, the celebration began. You walked home to the house that you found out was shared with all eight boys. A “Welcome Home” banner hung over the cake that said the same thing. Mingi hugged you and sat you in front of your cake. “Vanilla cake with the frosting cold, just how you like it.” You took a bite and savored the flavors.

Then it hit you. “Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear, Jongho! Happy birthday to you.” You could hear Yeosang start the korean version. “생일 축하합니다! 생일 축하합니다! 사랑하는 종호! 생일 축하합니다!” He blew out the candles and your brother served the cake. “I’m going to put my cake in the fridge. I like the icing cold.” “Then I will too because you are the food connoisseur.” You giggled at Jongho placing his piece next to yours. Soon all the boys were following suit. “Now how are we going to tell them apart?” “Mine has any name on it.” “Let’s organize them by age.” You put yours next to Yeosang’s since you were only a few months older. In the meantime, you guys danced to the different songs that were playing on the radio.

“I remember Jongho’s birthday.” “I’m glad my birthday was so memorable.” You looked at your cake intensely. Quickly, you got up and turned the radio on. A song from your memory was playing and you danced along. “Come join me!” The nine of you laughed and danced and ate cake all night long. It was time to head to bed but you found one of the boys sleeping there. Being nice and trusting, you laid next to him and closed your eyes. “Why can’t you remember me? Was our relationship not memorable?” Nothing came out. Frankly, you couldn’t think of anything to say. Instead, you fell asleep. When you woke up, you left a note. “I’m sorry I don’t remember our relationship. Hopefully I will soon.”

The first sweatshirt you could find, you threw on. It was a bit big on you and you wondered why. You ran a brush through your hair but you couldn’t do anything with it. You couldn’t remember how to braid or anything else. “Do you need help with that?” A shortish boy stood in the doorway. He had a bright smile and fluffy hair. “Yes please.” Feeling obligated, you lowered yourself. “Ah, thank you.” His fingers intertwined in your hair slowly French braiding it. It felt like Deja Vu. The whole thing felt familiar. The boy’s fingers braiding your hair as he hummed. You slouched so he could reach the top of your head. Him catching your eyes in the mirror and smiling.

“Ahh, too tight!” “Relax, it will loosen up. I didn’t pull your hair that tight.” You looked at him in the mirror wincing every time he pulled another strand. “Wooyoung-ah. I’m going to be bald by twenty-five because of you.” Wooyoung laughed. “You are such a whiny baby.” “Can you sing me a song?” “Which one?” You shrugged. He started humming 𝕊𝕒𝕧𝕖 𝕄𝕖 by BTS. Not realizing it, you started to sing along to it. As the song ended, Wooyoung put in the ponytail holder. You stood up. “Thank you!” “You whined the whole time and now you’re going to act like you didn’t,” he teased. “Sorry, Wooyoung-ah.” You held a finger heart up and he reciprocated it. “You’re welcome.”

Just like the memory, he finished humming and put in the ponytail holder. Carefully, you stood up and hugged him. Confused, he hugged you back. “Thank you, Wooyoung!” “You remembered me! Was it me braiding your hair for the first time?” “I don’t know but we sung um- I’ll hum it for you.” You hummed 𝕊𝕒𝕧𝕖 𝕄𝕖 and he smiled. “I remember that day, you were getting ready for homecoming. You were so pretty! Let’s go look at the pictures.” Before you knew it, you were being dragged to the hall of memories. Photos from all family and friend events were littered on the wall. He pointed at one with you in a short, poofy dress. You recognized the boy in it as the one who shared the room with you. The boy was in almost every photo with you and your eyes wandered down the hall.

You made your way to the living room but the picture remained in your head. For the rest of the night, you were distracted. You knew Wooyoung, Yeosang, Hongjoong and Jongho. That’s half the battle at least. Confused from the conversation the boys were participating, you got up. “Where are you going?” You looked at your brother. “Just going to wander around the house.” With nowhere in mind, you wandered back into your room. The pink and blue lacy fabric caught your eye from the closet. Curious, you picked up the dress. Almost immediately, you remembered the picture. It was your homecoming dress.

That night, you laid staring at the ceiling and the boy wrapped his arms around you. The rings on your fingers matched and for a minute you could hear his voice when you got it. “It’s a promise ring because I am so in love with you, it hurts.” A smile appeared on your face. You didn’t know who he was but it felt right. Slowly and carefully, you grabbed his hand and drifted off to sleep. The morning light peaked through the bathroom and onto your face. Annoyed, you got up and started your day. Before you knew it, you were in the kitchen making pancakes. A yawn sounded behind you. “Wah, pancakes!” You turned and saw a bright smile.

“I’m hopeless, San. All I can make is scrambled pancakes.” You pouted and he squished your cheeks. “Here, let’s make pancakes together.” When you got scared to flip the pancakes, he grabbed your hand and helped you flip it. Finally, you got a good pancake. “SAN, WE DID IT!” You hugged him tight and jumped in joy. You eventually learned how to make pancakes from scratch and it became the favorite around the boys. Once a week, you woke up and made pancakes and the boys would slowly gather around the table at the smell. “PANCAKES ARE SERVED.” “WAH, PANCAKES!” “You are so dramatic, San.” He giggled at you. “Pancake day is the best day.”

“I don’t know how I know the recipe but I guess it’s pancake day, San.” “Pancake day is the best day!” You laughed and waved him over. San practically skipped over to you. “Here, try this.” You held up a tiny pancake to his mouth and he bit it. “Wahhhhh, just like last time.” Rolling your eyes playfully, you laughed and playfully pushed him. “So dramatic.” The smell of pancakes cooking caused a crowd around the table. Excitement filled the air as the boys looked at the pancakes. “We missed good pancakes.” “Hey!” “Sorry, hyung.” You laughed at Wooyoung and Hongjoong’s banter. “Eat up guys.” No movement was made. “We need a picture of you with your pancakes.” You did nothing but smile for the picture. After that click was heard and an okay came from Mingi, the boys didn’t hesitate to go for the food.

Within an hour, all the pancakes were gone. “That’s yummy in my tummy!” “Aww, San is so cute!” “Stop, Wooyoung!” Wooyoung shook his head no and teased San even more. “This photo will look good up on our wall of memories!” “First photo since the accident.” The boys were chattering happily. “What happened to me?” You whispered softly, almost afraid to ask. The noise died down and the boys looked at you with sadness in their eyes. Mingi spoke up. “You were at a gymnastics competition and you were winning. A girl got jealous and put stuff on the balance beam before your turn. Of course you were last so no one else would get hurt. Going for the final round off and flip to exit off the beam, you slipped and hit your head. At the hospital, you had a seizure and you lost your memory.”

“But you are gaining it back!” Yeosang tried to lighten the dark news. “Yeah, that’s good news…” You put on a fake smile. “I guess.” Deep down, you wanted to cry and have someone hold you tight. “I’m going to go shower.” Everyone looked concerned but you were already off to the shower. The water was warm when it hit your back. You drew with the suds against the wall. Angry, you finished your shower and threw on leggings and a shirt. After blow drying your hair, you put it up and went outside. “Let’s see how much I can remember.” You were stretching when San saw you through the window. “GUYS COME HERE.” Everyone was waiting to watch you, scared. You did a basic cartwheel and it felt good. Then, you did a handspring and laughed. Taking a running start, you did a round off into a back handspring, to a double twist and landed perfectly.

The boys cheered even though you couldn’t hear them. Filled with exhilaration, you got up on the balance beam. Starting slow, you did a handstand into the splits. Flipping yourself back up, you did more flips and tricks. You landed on the ground gracefully and bowed to your imaginary crowd. Immediately you got embarrassed when the boys came out. “Did you see that!” “You did amazing!” Happily, you made your way to the trampoline when your brother stopped you. “You were struggling with the trampoline and kept hurting yourself, please don’t.” “I feel like I have to do this. Just to try it out.” He let go of you and watched you perform tricks perfectly whereas before, you could barely get a backflip in. You landed and stopped yourself.

You did the back twist but couldn’t get your feet down in time so you landed on your stomach. “FUCK!” Once again, you got up to do the trick again. Again, you failed. Sighing, you took a break and sat on the trampoline. A memory popped up in your photos and you watched the video. “You got this, sis!” “Mingi, catch me!” You fell and he caught you. “That was a good back handspring! You’re getting better on the balance beam.” “I did it for you.” Another video popped up. “Now announcing contestant 478.” You powdered your hands and perfectly executed your routine. Now it was time to see who goes to the finals. “And in first place to the finals is number 478!” You ran to Mingi and your boyfriend who kissed you. “You’re so amazing!” Smiling, you put your phone to the side and kept trying until you got the tricks down.

Smiling brightly, you stood on the edge of the trampoline. “I REMEMBER!” You stumbled a bit and couldn’t catch yourself. “MINGI!!” He leaped forward and caught you. “You said my name!” The smile on Mingi’s face was from ear to ear. He sat you down and you walked over to Seonghwa. “In my memory, you kissed me. I remember but I can’t remember your name for now. Please don’t tell me. I want to learn it.” Seonghwa nodded but was dying inside. It hurt him that you don’t remember his name. He wanted to hold you and kiss you again.

After the fun in the yard, you went inside and sat on the couch. Yunho plopped down next to you. “I remember the day we met. You were practicing for your gymnastics competition and you accidentally ran into me. I was new to the area and was nervous. You bought me ice cream with chocolate sprinkles. My favorite part was you introducing me to your friend group. Best decision I ever made was to go to the ice cream parlor with a stranger.” You laughed and listened. It was a cute story you thought.

“Come on, you can do this!” You were encouraging yourself. Then you started to do your practice routine. For the finale you landed and turned right into an unexpected passerby who fell. “ARE YOU OKAY?! I AM SO SORRY.” The boy shyly smiled at you. Politely, you offered your hand to which he took. “I’m ____!” “I-I’m Yunho.” “You don’t look familiar.” “I just moved here.” You perked up. “Let me take you to get some ice cream! To say sorry and as a new step in a possible friendship.” That was the first time Yunho had smiled in ages. “Okay!” The two of you talked until you got to the ice cream parlor. As soon as you had your ice creams, you walked with him to your house. ”I want you to meet my brother.” The door opened and your brother appeared with the trash. “Mingi, this is Yunho my friend. Yunho, this is my brother, Mingi.” There was an awkward silence.

“There was a tension between you and Mingi.” “Ah, you’re remembering me!” He ruffled your hair. “YAH, YUNHO!” Yunho got up ready to run. You chased him around the living room laughing. “Get back here!” “Never!” Out of breath, you both threw yourself onto the couch. A smile covered your face. You couldn’t help it. These boys brought you happy memories and they make you happy, even if you can only remember a few. A movie was turned on by one of the boys and you fell into the film. Dozing off was hard to not do but you found yourself doing it anyway. Finally, sleep took over and you were out cold. Seonghwa bid goodnight and carried you to bed.

You have decided that the sun is holding a grudge against you. It’s like it is its mission to blind you and so far, it is working. Lazy day today you thought. You dragged yourself out of bed and into the closet. The boys had left to go do something so you decided to do nothing. There it was sticking out like a person wearing neon orange. The dress laid alone in the corner almost begging you to put it on. Ultimately, you took it to the bathroom and slipped it on. You twirled and watched the bottom flare out.

“Wah, you are so pretty!” “Thanks, Wooyoung!” Mingi beckoned you over for a picture. You had been going out with Seonghwa for three months and he had asked you to Homecoming. Seonghwa wrapped his arm around your waist and stood beside you beaming. The music was blaring and pretty much everyone was either making out or grinding. You simply danced with Seonghwa. “I love this song.” He grabbed your hand and started to slow dance with you. You were distracted. As the song ended, you looked up. “Seonghwa?” He looked at you. “I love you.” It was as if he’d won the lottery. “I love you too!” Without thinking, he kissed you and the two of you got lost in the moment.

“WE’RE HOME!” You raced out and hugged Seonghwa. “W-What is this?” You said nothing, instead, you grabbed his shirt and pulled him down for a kiss. “I fucking love you so much, Seonghwa.” After the shock wore away, he kissed you again. This time deeper. When he pulled away out of breath he couldn’t help but smile. “I love you so much too!” He looked at you again and realized that you were wearing your homecoming dress. “That is my favorite memory of us.” “Mine too, Seonghwa. Mine too.” Finally, you had remembered everyone but you got hit with one last memory. This one had all of you.

Mingi stood there crying and you couldn’t help but let a few tears fall either. The nine of you watched as the funeral home buried your parents. You remembered the fact that they were just home smiling and leaving for date night. “Bye guys. Have fun!” “You too mom except, don’t have too much fun.” Horror hit you as every mean thing you have ever said to them flashed through your mind. How you wished you could take it back. The few tears turned into uncontrollable sobs. You couldn’t stand, it hurt too much. Anger and sadness controlled your emotions and you ran out into traffic. Arms wrapped around you but you pulled away and looked at Seonghwa angrily. “Come back to me. Stay with me.”

[brunhiddensmusings]

random movies/shows i just remembered were a thing

there is no point in any of this other then me being impressed that i remember all of this shit and reflecting on ‘i couldnt make this up if i tried’ a live action tv series of alice in wonderland, it was violently 80s an ‘alf’ cartoon series, that was MORE violently 80s an alice in wonderland cartoon series from the makers of the alf cartoon series which was only moderately 80s neverending story animated series that is somehow underwhelming enough it erases memory of itself a show where james earl jones sits in some kind of negative plane room that has a floor, doors, windows, a chair, and one lamp yet somehow no walls, the windows just kind of hover there. he told stories. how the hell did a show where james earl jones just tells soothing stories fly under everyone's radar? a live action reading comprehension series that featured a kid with magic gloves that rode a stationary bycicle to warp through dimensions that im sure no other human being ever saw so im partially thinking it might have been a hallucination except hallucinations typically have higher production values an animated glowworm movie that was trying to do with the glowworm dolls what MLP the show did for MLP the toys. it contained at least one song i can still remember the tune of 25 years later. there was a moleperson that gave off strong lesbian vibes who was rebelling against her biker vibe moleperson family an animated movie about ‘the lollipop dragon’ that seemed like there was other content on the intellectual property but ive never seen any, taking the form of a car race through whats essentially candyland to prevent liver and onion flavored lollipops being the new official christmas candy to be distributed by santa clause live action series that was only ever on at like 4AM where someone tells fairy tales that are slightly more disturbing then they should be while illustrating them in chalk which is one hell of a trick the animated series ‘mummies alive’ that was trying to basically copy/paste everything they could from the ‘gargoyles’ show but forgot to make it good not to be confused with the ‘tutenstein’ show, which somehow made less sense ‘dink the dinosaur’ a tv series hoping nobody noticed it wasn't actually land before time the animated series a live action series where a modern family was trapped somewhere that was a dinosaur infested jungle so they had to live in a tree house that was only just barely taller then the t-rex that was continually stalking them. the moon had claw marks on it i think? it was basically swiss family robinson but early 90s animated movie ‘the elm chanted forest’ that im more just baffled my parents were able to acquire something that obscure in their pirated vhs collection, i cant think of a possible reason anyone in my family would ever have been in the same room as a copy of this. like damned i havent even seen any of the youtubers that rate obscure bizzare movies even mention this fever dream. the highlight was probably when the talking mushrooms started breakdancing in a impressively racist manner like damned you raised the bar on racist cartoons somehow for about two minutes in an otherwise completely inoffensive movie from i think croatia. seriously its the best part, even better then when the cactus king summons his sapient weapon minions and engages his ferris wheel of doom to kill all the beavers

the animated series ‘superdave’ about a daredevil who gets repeatedly maimed, and repeatedly framed it as though he was a real person in the way jackie chan adventures does the animated series ‘wish kid’ where macully culkin aged 9 is granted basically fairy odd parents style wish abilities from a baseball glove. gilbert godfried its there, constantly, like hes almost there as much as the kid is holy crap i forgot the tazmanian devil got his own show for like five months yall remember when the ps1 first launched? when the game cases were strangely huge for no particular reason because they hadnt adopted the jewel cases yet and there were only like seven games available for the system and none of them even knew how to incorporate memory cards? ‘blazing dragons’ was a point and click adventure game that happened to be one of those seven games, eric idle was one of the people who made the game yet ive never met anyone who remembers playing the game or even hearing anything about it. yeah, this game had an animated series.... it was surprisingly witty in a were not even trying to make sense way that was purposefully avoiding explaining its world live action series ‘zoobalie zoo’ where people in the worst fursuits known to man just kind of exist in an almost entirely empty set where a handfull of circus cage wagons that i assume were their homes were the only structures outside of like two cardboard bushes why the hell was ‘mighty max’ not a cultural icon the way invader zim was, that show rocked so hard ‘the robonic stooges’ where the 3 stooges are robots jhon candy had an animated series where he played himself as a camp counselor. it.... kinda worked almost, blending the generic 80s camp movie ‘bad land developer’ formula with self aware complaints. it only stank a little the animated ‘happy days’ spinoff where they have a time traveling spaceship

not to be confused with the one where the partridge family lives in the year 3000, or when casper the ghost lives in space.... im beginning to see a trend here ‘starship troopers’ the CG series where surprisingly nobody ever died an animated series about a green rabbit on a spaceship that i only recently learned also was not a fever dream from when i was 8. all images i see of it only convince me more that im still hallucinating its existance i cant rmember the name of it but a live action series about aliens living on earth, all the adults have actual costumes to disguise themselves as humans but the baby, who is apperantly the ruler of the universe, is a disturbing pink puppet. also they have magic powers instead of technology and the theme song was ‘wishing on a star’. memories of this show still occasionally haunt me but it was still better then charles in charge just on novelty value there was a ‘jhonny quest’ reboot that aged him up and incorporated CG for a kind of cyberspace setting for the sole purpose they had a villian that was a quadrapallegic but could do things in the cyberspace setting, yet really nobody should have cared because the cyberspace setting wasnt connected to any real world imput devices so he was just the main boss of his own videogame why are you picking on this man. they were foggy on if haji actually had magic powers or just really hardcore yoga skills, and one fanatical zealot villian who basically escaped from the place they keep the well written batman antagonists you remember the ‘the way things work’ book? it had illustrations on every concept of physics and mechanical processes that used mammoths to explain everything from the screw to the lever to sewing machines to integrated circuits. yeah, it had an animated tv series .....somehow not to be confused with ‘cro’, an animated series about a mammoth that was frozen, thawed in the late 80s, was able to talk, and was a framing device for his stories of a weirdly sexily drawn caveman teen that invented all technology

it was basically ‘the croods’ but better and 30 years earlier a live action series based on ‘harry and the hendersons’.... im surprised they could create enough material for one full episode like seriously where do you go from there? its surprisingly hard to think of a story for ‘were a modern 80s family who has bigfoot as a roomate’ an animated series where a basketball player, baseball player, and hockey player are secretly superheroes. there was also a hardcore badass old lady who did most of the work. wayne gretszky was the one nobody respected the pocket dragons had a show. yes, a show based on collectable porcelain figurines that were marketed for their cute value on home shopping network CG series ‘vanpires’, yes it was about sapient cars that were vampires and actual live children who turned into cars that were vampires. that is all oh yeah, there was a back to the future animated series, i thought i repressed that better speaking of repressed memories, i cannot escape the knowledge that ‘super duper sumos’ and ‘mega babies’ existed, booze cannot erase this knowledge

[mariemarvelbear]

Korvac

Hope

Avengers x Reader

Warning: Angst.So much Angst.Slow burn angst.Abuse.Mention of rape.Brainwashed.ANGST.Blood.Torture.Swearing.Kidnapping.18+

Part 18

“Come on!You can do it!” You could hear her sweet, joyful laughter from a mile away, it would echo through the halls and into each and every room in the house, and would cheer everyone up, it was at times like this that everyone just loved the blonde lady even more. “Come on Nathaniel!” Eviana cheered, watched the tiny toddler make his way into her petite arms, cradling him once as the two of them laugh. “You did it baby! Aunt Eve is so proud of you!”

“Hey!I’m getting jealous already.” Natasha exclaimed, carefully grabbing the tot and snuggled him in her arms.

Korvac’s brows furrowed as he watched the Queen took another breath,tossing in their shared bed as sweat trickle on her face- her raven luscious hair sticking onto her face. “What’s happening?” The King asked, fear evident in his voice as he looked at Victor on the side-the two of them watching the Queen sleep.

“She’s remembering them Korvac…. We can’t help it anymore.”   “Hi.I’m Eviana. I’m lost.”

“Hello there.” A tall guy smiled, his golden fine hair glowing in the room where he stood tall in front of the child, hair just like his. “I’m Steven.Call me Steve.”

“But-“ Eve stuttered, stopping as she eyes the Captain’s attire “ You’re Captain America.” 

“Eh. Sometimes”

Eve giggled, smiled as she looked at the Captain- her emerald eyes drilling into his blue ones. Steve couldn’t help but think that he’d never seen such dark eyes with so much light in them. Soft wisps of that pale honey hair swept past her ear and caressed the skin of her neck, jaw, cheeks and around her rather beautiful, jade like eyes. Those eyes rimmed with thick, long, dark lashes that brushed her cheeks every time she closed her eyes, seemed to bore into him every time he looked into them and nearly lost himself, even though they just formally met a minute ago.

                “What are you doing now?” Korvac asked, eagerness evident in his voice- worry plastered on his face. But the doctor didn’t answer, he took the stirring rod and mixed the eight potion that he was making for the Queen. “Will that work now?” Victor gave Korvac a look, glared at him and told him to shush and let him do his job. He was tired and weary, and yet he was working up until dawn- he understood Korvac though- he knew that the guy only loved the young lady so much for him to do such evil things. For them it wasn’t evil, it might not be just but Korvac was just doing what he wanted to do. He wanted Eviana, and he acted on it. Dr. Victor Von Doom, he was a great scientist, chemist and a renowned doctor. Some people would say that ever since he was a child-he was evil, but he would always say that he’s just wired differently. Others look at a squirrel and see something cute, but Victor would see something he can murder. But he doesn’t want to just shoot it though, he wants to see how long it can last while he disembowels it nice and slow. He wants to see the light go out in its rodent eyes while he examines its innards. It was not only for science nor his experiments. The truth is that, he enjoys it. He gets a kick out of it. And then he’ll record it on his phone, so he can play it over and over to relive the moment. When he grew up and started working abroad when his parents died- Victor met Michael. The two of them soon started a company with them being the founder and head chemists, they became rich as their company got recognized by different corporations, becoming two scientist who was the first to find the cure for cancer. Victor became happier when his childhood best friend followed him and worked for him as his assistant- She also left their tribe-The Gypsy; and stayed with Victor. As Valeria became one of the board members of their company, the two started spending much more intimate time together, Valeria always liked Victor- it was the doctor that hardly notice the lady, but as he spent time with her, Victor knew that he was falling for her already.  After some time, the two of them started dating- leaving Michael all alone. The latter became a left out, a loner, it was as if he was back to being his ‘pathetic’ younger self- a weirdo. He was becoming jealous of Valeria, she took his lab partner, his partner in crime and his buddy- but what Korvac didn’t realize was that he was jealous not of Valeria, but of his own buddy- Victor; who had a lover, a romantic partner- who had a girlfriend,someone who chooses him because of this thing called ‘love’; not because of the money he can offer,nor the fame he can give.

“Michael, Look.” Korvac’s train of thought was interrupted, the divinity quickly looking at the doctor-following his gaze towards the lady in front of them. The love of his life; His Queen, Eviana. “She’s getting stronger Korvac.I don’t- I don’t know if we can keep her away any longer.”

  “Tony.Tony.Tony, look at me.” Eviana whispered, voice lingering with care,love and a sprinkle of worry. “Anthony, don’t.Don’t go there.” The tiredness that begun a while ago remains like a veil over Tony’s skin, grey and cold. And as Eve caress his cold arms, Tony could only watch the creeping sorrow where there should be joy; over him. It sits like November rain on his skin, enough to chill what was once warm inside. Enough to cover the warmth and happiness that he somehow felt, after years of being in the pain and agony he’s currently feeling-Tony was back at it again, and Pepper wasn’t there to try and soothe his pain away. He planned to just stay there in the cold, comfortably numb and hurting.But Eve knew better. “I understand it hurts Tony, I do. But please remember this Anthony, I love you.More than my life.”

  Tony quickly woke up, his eyes shot wide open,his breathing was rapid and shallow as his heart beat raced each other, trying to keep up with his running mind -as if he was just chased by dozens of hound dogs; ready to eat him alive. He tossed around just to see his king size bed cold and empty, making him shiver as he clenched his mouth again; trying to stop his teeth from chattering each other. Everything then became a blur, his vision was getting darker and his head felt so light yet numb; yet it ached with so much longing.

“Eve!” Tony called, Fighting his way out of the tangled mess of his thick blankets. He continued chanting out her name, the name that his heart, mind and soul craved. The name that he wanted to stay forever, but was instantly gone in an instant; just before his heart was getting better and healed. Tony whimpered, he felt cold and alone. Brows furrowing, Tony’s hands quickly got a hold of his aching chest. He groaned, breathing heavily as his pupils dilated.Your lifeless body was the last image that flashed in his eyes.

“F-Frida….”

    “You passed out again Tony.” Dr. Cho sighed, a sympathetic smile plastered on her face as she looked up; adjusting the guy’s IV drip. “When was the last time you slept?” But before Tony can answer jokingly, she interrupted him. “Proper rest. At least eight hours Tony.”

The genius philanthropist heaved a sigh, raising his hands in defeat as he sat down on the edge of the bed. The light in the infirmary was bright enough to wake him up, abundant to make his brain cells work again as his mind think of anything to work on his suit. Even though he didn’t use them anymore, there were no aliens nor terrorists, nor random bad guys who wanted the Avenger’s attention. There were no one invading their world and he was getting impatient, He badly wanted you back. Even though he knew, that you’re now-dead. Something inside him didn’t believe it, And Tony badly wanted to agree.

  “Peter.” A loud bang echoed through the halls of the Avenger’s facility. A broken light bulb, now rolling onto the dusty floors. Sticky webs evident on it. “What are you doing?”

“N-Nothing.”

“I need to talk to you, Remember?”

“Yeah. That’s why I’m here Dr.Cho~”

“Okay Spidey, but before we go to my office. Promise me that you won’t touch any of my stuff.”

“There’s nothing to touch here Doc,Everything’s old,broken or useless. Just like the Avengers.”

Helen frowned. She never liked anyone touching her stuff, they were hers and they had their own proper places.Just like her perspective with the team, though they weren’t hers; Yes. But they were her only family, and she never tells them this but she’s always proud that she’s their doctor. That every after mission, how small or big their scars or wounds are- All of them go to her.  To see if their okay and well. Then they let her be; But she’s always there for them as they are for her, Just like her belongings. But now,there weren’t anything  nor anyone to even take care of.

“Tony needs your help.” And with that, Peter quickly stood,and in a blink of an eye he was already at the door. “Peter, No.” But the teenager didn’t budge.He stood still, his back facing her as his grasp tightened around the door knob. Peter stood there as the memories flash in his mind, the memories he had with Bucky, Clint, Steve, Wanda, Pietro, Sam, M’mbaku and there’s Tony. Peter shook his head, afraid that if he let himself think of him, He’ll just break down. Enough for him to go back to the arms of the old guy that he treated as his dad.The old guy that continues to deny the truth.

“What do you want Dr.Cho? I told you already, I have nothing to do with him.” Peter whispered, trying to portray anger yet fails;sadness evident in his eyes.

“He’s alone Peter.”

“He pushed us away!” Peter screamed, instantly; his eyes was filled with tears and sorrow. “How can we help him when he doesn’t even help himself?! How can he agree so easily?How can he be so fine with ‘Iana’s passing even though we all know that she’s not!That she’s out there.Alive and wanting to be found, wanting to come back.Back home.With us.” Peter finally broke down, his knees failing him as he fell to the ground;crying like a toddler. “She’s not dead Dr.Cho.You know that.We know that.” Peter sat there, dominated by a profound sadness-fatigued engraved on his worn face.

[eleanor-writes-stuff]

chemistry (my heart’s a city you’re out to destroy) - [IV/IV: EPILOGUE]

Kylo Ren - superhuman, mercenary, and the world’s most dangerous man – has recently resurfaced after a mysterious three-month disappearance.

Rey Niima, listicle writer by day and investigative reporter by night, is way too busy to worry about that. Seriously, she’s got a million things on her plate - she doesn’t have the time to think about anything else.

Especially now that news editor Benjamin Snoke has returned to the office and seems hell-bent on making her life… interesting.

At long last, the end.

Questions are answered, loose ends are tied up, and the road to recovery leads to a happily ever after.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 Also available on AO3. And hey, maybe check out my Twitter and Ko-fi? 

. . .

At the last intersection before Takodana Street, Rey reaches out to still Ben’s nervous tapping against the steering wheel.

It’s the third time in ten minutes that she’s had to do so, and he allows her to pull his hand off the wheel and into her lap with nothing more than a sheepish look from under his lashes.

“Babe, you need to relax. I can’t believe big bad Kylo Ren is this nervous about meeting a little old lady.” Neither of their smiles sour at the mention of his alter ego; after six months of difficult but frank conversations, they’ve finally reached a stage where everything is out in the open but also firmly in the past, something to laugh about now that the wounds have healed.

They’ve also reached the stage where she introduces him to the woman she considers her mother for all intents and purposes, and Rey’s spent the past week trying to assure her boyfriend that tonight’s dinner is going to be just fine. Judging by the way Ben’s fingers keep twitching in her grip, she’s not exactly done a good job.

“Little old lady makes her sound so harmless,” he mutters as the light turns green. “She raised you, Rey. You. There’s no way she’s a harmless little old lady.”

She could tease him for that, but Rey takes pity on him and decides to simply accept it as the compliment that it is. “Okay, fine, so maybe she’s not going to be some cute little grandma,” she concedes, quickly powering through the rest of her sentence before Ben can panic, “but I promise everything is going to be okay. She’s going to take one look at you and ask to keep you forever.”

He doesn’t look convinced.

In the face of everything they’ve been through, of all they’ve overcome to reach this moment, introducing Ben to Maz doesn’t seem like a big deal at all. When she tries to tell him as much though, the tapping just starts back up.

Rey sighs and stares out the window at the familiar surroundings leading to her childhood home, casting about for a distraction. There’s no shortage of shared memories and inside jokes for her to pick from, but one in particular causes a laugh to bubble past her lips unbidden.

“What?” Ben asks, sparing her a quick glance as his lips twitch in response to her laughter.

Rey shakes her head. “Nothing, just… Remember that first day at the office? I didn’t realize it then, but…” She thinks back to their very first meeting outside of his mask, to the wild look in his eyes when she bumped into him, and laughs again. “You were horrified to see me, weren’t you?”

“I could never be horrified by you,” he objects, too distracted and defensive to realize he’s turned onto her street and Maz’s house looms just down the road. “I was terrified, sure, but not horrified.”

“You say that as if there’s a difference,” Rey snorts as they reach the end of the street, only to find that there is, in fact, a difference.

She’s seen Ben terrified many, many times now – starting, of course, with the incident they’re talking about. But parked in front of her mother’s house, having arrived without noticing it and now being mere feet away from his worst nightmare – this is the first time she’s ever seen Ben horrified.

“Is it too late to turn around?” Ben asks even as she moves to release her seatbelt. “We could just tell her I got sick and we need to reschedule–”

The weathered front door swings wide open, and Ben tenses as Maz appears in the doorway.

“Too late,” Rey shrugs, and laughs as she leans forward to press a reassuring kiss to his cheek. “C’mon, it’s going to be okay. I promise.”

Ben is the first person she’s ever brought home, and in the days following Maz’s invitation to dinner Rey had expected to find herself just as nervous as he is about the whole thing. They’ve already discussed the future, already made plans to move in together, but this makes it all real somehow, feels like the first actual step towards that future. And maybe five months ago – or three, or even one – that would have unsettled her, but Rey knows now that everything is as it should be, that they’re finally ready for this.

So she calmly takes Ben’s hands and gives them a squeeze, and gets out of the car to introduce the two most important people in her life to each other with not a single hint of nerves.

“I’m home!” Rey calls out with a grin as she rushes towards Maz, careful not to slam her weight into the older, smaller woman as they meet in a tight hug.

“Always good to have you back,” her mother murmurs into her hair, and they share a quiet moment before Maz pulls back and peeks beyond her shoulder to greet the new arrival. “And you brought a snack! Come closer, Rey’s boyfriend. Let me get a good look at those eyes my daughter is so lost in–”

Ben has always worked best under pressure, and this is no exception. His nerves seem under control as he makes his way up the driveway to join them, and there’s even a smile on his face as he humors Maz and stoops down so that she can get her hands on his shoulders and her face all up in his business, one hand pushing her Coke-bottle glasses up her nose to get a better look at him.

Maz gasps and takes a step backwards, and Rey braces herself for the kind of horribly yet charmingly dirty comment only a little old lady can get away with. At least she’s warned Ben about this bit, so she doesn’t have to worry about him running for the hills when Maz inevitably comments on what good handholds his ears must be or how those lips were made for a higher purpose or–

“Ben Solo!” she croaks, one hand to her heart, and Rey swears she’s never seen her foster mother this genuinely taken aback in all the years they’ve known each other. Maz’s eyes glimmer with tears as she slowly steps closer, reaching forward to settle a hand on Ben’s shoulder once more as her other hand slowly cups his cheek and pushes his face this way and that.

Ben, meanwhile, appears to be completely frozen.

“It is you,” Maz whispers in awe as she finally completes her examination, allowing Ben to straighten up to his full height in a daze. “I would know those eyes anywhere.”

“What– How–”

Rey winds one arm around Ben’s middle when both his voice and his footing falter, planting her feet in the ground when he sags against her just the slightest bit. “Maz, are you saying… you know Ben?”

“Know him?” her mother scoffs, voice still thick with emotion as she ushers them into the house, Rey pulling Ben along as he shuffles after her. “I practically raised this boy. Broke my heart to lose you, second only to your parents I’d say.”

That snaps Ben out of it. “My parents? You know my parents?”

Maz closes the door behind them. “Oh, child,” she sighs, eyes soft and sad as she pats Ben’s arm. “Come. There is so much to talk about.”

. . .

Dinner is left untouched and forgotten in the kitchen as the three of them huddle close together in the living room, Rey offering Ben silent support and comfort as he and Maz fill in the gaps in each other’s stories to finally form a complete puzzle.

The story goes like this:

One of Ben’s first memories of Snoke is his supposed father droning on and on about his uniqueness, about how special his bloodline makes him. It’s how Ben had pieced together the truth about his adoption-slash-kidnapping in the first place, realizing sometime around the age of six that the man who poked and prodded at him with needles and strange liquids and odd contraptions all day long was not his real family.

The story goes like this:

A long time ago, a highly respected scientist by the name of Sheev Palpatine rose to prominence for his seminal work on gene editing, and his magnum opus was a test subject by the name of Anakin Skywalker, a man he had been experimenting on since infancy in order to create the ultimate human specimen.

The story goes like this:

The Knights of Ren weren’t always five. In fact, when Ben was twelve and finally satisfactory to his father, Snoke introduced him to fifteen new playmates who would be living with them from now on. Having known no one other than his father from the age of four, young Ben was ecstatic to finally have friends – friends who, he would realize in time, just weren’t the same as him. They couldn’t run as fast, couldn’t jump as high, couldn’t kick as far, couldn’t play as long – and eventually, the slowest, weakest ones just… disappeared. In time, though, the four who remained learned to keep up with him, after months and months of poking and prodding and strange liquids and odd contraptions. And so the Knights of Ren were born, with Kylo Ren – the strongest, fastest one – their natural leader.

The story goes like this:

Eventually, the ugly truth about Palpatine’s experiments came to light, and with it a dozen nameless children buried in shallow graves. Not everyone, Palpatine argued, was ready to become the best possible version of themselves. Not everyone, he said, was destined for greatness. The law had none of it, and Palpatine was thrown behind bars for the rest of his short life while Anakin went through every test known to mankind until he was finally allowed to walk free and live a normal life, complete with a wife, two kids, and a white picket fence. Until one day, the past reared its ugly head and broke something inside him – and that day ended with a dead couple, two orphaned children, and a dark secret never meant to be unearthed.

The story goes like this:

Secrets never stay buried for long.

. . .

When all of the pieces finally fall into place, when the last question has been answered and there is no more room left for doubt, Maz goes upstairs to call the Organa-Solos and urge them to make the one-hour drive over.

“I always knew,” Ben says, head in her lap as they lounge on Maz’s porch, his eyes glued to the stars while hers keep careful watch over him, “that I had a family once. But for some reason I never thought…”

Rey runs her fingers through his hair and allows him to gather his thoughts.

“All of the others, they had lives from before, lives they remembered and could go back to after Snoke,” he murmurs after a while. Rey already knows this, already grilled him about the other knights months ago, but she lets him speak anyway. “But this life is all I’ve ever known, all I can remember no matter how hard I try. I’ve been Ben Snoke for so long I couldn’t even remember Ben Solo. Rey, what if… what if…”

Ben turns to her then, looking more scared than he had the night everything came crashing down around them, and her heart aches for him, for what he’s going through, for the pain and fear and tiny spark of hope she knows all too well.

“You know, by the time Maz found me, the Organa-Solos had all but disappeared from this city.”

She keeps her hand in his hair even as her eyes stare blankly ahead, taking a minute to sort out her thoughts before she turns back to a puzzled Ben. “Growing up, everyone knew who they were. Your mother practically ran this city, and your father was nothing short of a legend. But one day she stepped down and he retired, and not long after that they just… disappeared.”

Rey lets that sink in for a moment, holds still as Ben finally rolls off her lap and pulls himself up into a seated position next to her.

“I was still so young then, I had no idea what was going on. Only that the pretty lady wasn’t on front pages anymore and I never saw the Falcon in another race on TV again. But that was five years after you disappeared, Ben. They tried for five years to find you, did everything they could to hold on, and eventually it just broke them. They gave up everything – their jobs, their home, their lives – because it was too painful without you. Because they love you.”

Ben is crying now and so is she, tears running down their cheeks as she reaches for his hands.

“And I think… I know everything is going to work out, Ben. Because they love you. It doesn’t matter if you don’t remember them, or if they don’t recognize you, or if things are awkward at first. They love you, and you’ll love them, and that’ll be enough until everything else works itself out.”

Because it would have been enough, for her and her parents, if they’d just loved her.

And it has been enough, for her and Ben, while they fix everything else.

So Rey knows, she knows, that when Han and Leia walk through the door in an hour’s time and Ben meets his parents for the first time in more than two decades, everything will be okay.

“How can you know that?” Ben whispers, hands holding hers so tightly it nearly hurts. “How can you be so sure everything will be okay?”

Rey leans forward, presses her forehead to his and waits until Ben closes his eyes to do the same. “Because you’ve already been through so much, baby. Because I know you can make it through anything. And because I’ll be right there with you, every step of the way.”

That, above all else, is what finally gets him to relax into her and release her hands in favor of wrapping his arms around her waist.

“We’ll face this together, I promise,” she murmurs against his lips, kisses him soft and slow until she can feel the beginnings of a smile on him. “You’ll make it through this, Superman.”

He laughs, a puff of air against her chin, and Rey pulls back to find that teasing smirk she’s come to adore.

“Oh, so now I’m Superman?” Ben huffs as he crosses his arms, bright eyes giving away the act.

Rey hums in mock contemplation. “I mean, you did turn out to be my awkward coworker secretly moonlighting as a superhero, so…” She shrugs, biting back a grin as Ben pulls her into his lap.

“And who does that make you, then?”

Underneath his playful smile, behind the brightness dancing in his eyes, there’s still a small, scared boy forever looking for reassurance, forever unsure about his place in this world. So Rey trades her grin for a soft smile and gently takes his face in her hands, stares deeply into his eyes until the right words come to her.

In all honesty, she’s had them ready for months.

“The woman who loves you no matter who you are – Superman or Clark Kent, Kylo Ren or Ben Snoke or Ben Solo.”

Awe washes away everything else on his face, leaving Ben with wide eyes and parted lips as he takes in her words. His breath hitches, he slowly blinks his eyes, and then finally, finally he gives her a brilliant smile for all of two seconds before she’s pulled into a kiss that says everything she needs to know.

“I love you too, sweetheart,” Ben whispers between kisses, holding her so close she swears she can feel the beating of his heart. “Always have, always will.”

The front door opens, and Maz says something about light traffic at this time of day and another forty minutes at most and–

Rey presses her palm to Ben’s heart, the heart she’s known from the very start even when nothing else was certain, and knows that together they can face anything.

. . .

And that's that, friends. After almost exactly three months - just two days shy, in fact - this story has finally come to an end. I can only hope it was a satisfying one for both characters and readers, and worth all the time and emotion you've so generously invested.

To @nancylovesreylo, I hope this satisfied you above all. I've come to love this Rey and Ben so dearly, but I know this story would never have existed without you. Thank you for this amazing prompt, and for everything else you do for this fandom. I could spend years trying to write a birthday fic worthy of you, but I hope this came somewhat close to that at least.

Once again, thank you to everyone for waiting even when all hope seemed lost, and for giving this odd little fic a chance in the first place. I hope you've enjoyed this, and as always please don't hesitate to like/reblog/comment. Until next time, friends!