#it’s not like they’ve been actively posting stuff since i sent that message either so they could very well be busy

[chiritori]

i have worms in my brain ☹️

[saturdaysky]

hello! i hope you don't mind a message, but i am just excited to see someone else who liked AMCE and would love to know if you have recs for books that are similar, because i've been thinking about it for like a month straight since i finished reading it and would love something else to occupy my brain the way that it did. no pressure to answer ofc, just happy to share good vibes over a book :)

I do not mind it at all! <3

I do have some books that scratched a similar itch as A Memory Called Empire! I looooved the thoughtful focus on culture and language and identity within an intricate setting, so these recs follow that pattern somewhat.

Under a cut because this got kind of long.

The Imperial Radch trilogy by Ann Leckie

Liked the exploration of culture, identity, and imperialism in AMCE? You will probably like these books, since they also grapple with those themes. Also present is the exploration of personhood, who has it, and who does not -- because our main character is a person who used to be a starship. Or well, sort of. Wikipedia has a decent blurb:

The novel follows Breq—who is both the sole survivor of a starship destroyed by treachery, and the vessel of that ship's artificial consciousness—as she seeks revenge against the ruler of her civilization.

These books are honestly some of my favorite books ever. They combine a really thoughtful and deliberate focus on all the stuff mentioned above, fascinating plots and world-building, and characters who absolutely made me Feel Things. Highly recommended if you like, say, emotionally closed-off and damaged characters learning to care and be cared for while also skillfully navigating an intricate web of power to pursue their goals and reckon with the harm they've caused. But with bonus smart thoughts about robots.

The Foreigner series by C.J. Cherryh

I haven't fully made my way through this series, but it's rewarding every time I sit down to read another book. The books follow Bren Cameron, diplomat to an alien court, as he negotiates the intricate web of politics and intrigue involved in making sure the crash-landed colony ship he represents doesn't get obliterated or obliterate anyone else, despite humans making some monumental fuck-ups in the recent past.

And when you live and work and eat among one people, how much do you really belong to the people you came from? Of course, neither side really trusts someone who straddles both worlds, and to cap it off, the atevi people he lives among are different from humans in a fundamental way: they have no word for friend or love because those are alien concepts to the atevi. They do not feel such things. Instead, they live by an intricate web of obligation and favors. Trust is something a little more practical and a lot more deadly, for the atevi.

But these are not heartless novels -- part of the joy is watching the main characters grow meaningful relationships, even though the form is fraught and strange and never quite means the same thing to the people on either side.

If you like slow and thorough explanations of culture where meeting with your friend's grandmother is a potentially perilous activity (because the tea might be poisoned, because she might take you on a hunting trip you won't come back from, because she's a formidable political power and might be trying to assassinate your friend, because your friend might know all of this and have sent you anyway, also your friend is the king) these are books you might like.

The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison

If you like deep dives of culture, language, identity, and loyalty within the deadly intrigue of a fantasy court, I hiiiiighly recommend this book. The book follows Maia, the youngest and least-favored heir to the throne who gets unexpectedly crowned when everyone else in line dies and must quickly learn to survive the cutthroat politics. But Maia isn't cutthroat by nature; he is kind and must negotiate how to keep that kindness in the face of pressures that would be easy to solve with cruelty, as well as people keen to take advantage of what they think of as a weakness.

This book'll hit you with a lot of fantasy language at first (it's a focus of the book), but if you stick with it you'll be fine. You're learning all this intricate court language at the same time as our protag; he too is a little out of his depth at the start.

Steerswoman series by Rosemary Kirstein

I dearly want to go back and read these -- it's been a few years, but they absolutely sucked me in. The books follow Rowan, a steerswoman, as she tracks down the mystery of a strange and incongruous gemstone. In-universe steerswomen are basically traveling scientists and naturalists who have taken an oath of truth.

The books start out in what seems like your fairly typical Standard Fantasy Setting with wizards and dragons, but as Rowan learns more about the strange gem, it's clear that this Standard Fantasy Setting is...not as it seems. There are three things that I loved about these books: the sense of wonder and discovery as our fantasy scientist protag reasons through problems and begins to discover she lives in a sci fi world, the interesting relationship between the main characters, and the excitement you as a reader have when YOU realize exactly what mysterious object Rowan is describing and what the implications of that are for the setting.

The Broken Earth trilogy by N.K. Jemisin

Riveting series -- brutal and beautiful. Straddles the line in some respects between sci fi and fantasy. Follows characters who live on a far, far-future Earth plagued by catastrophic climate events called "Seasons" that last generations. There are some people born who have power drawn from the earth; these people are alternately hated and ruthlessly trained to hone their powers to attempt to prevent another Season. (This sort of sounds like the setup to a YA coming-of-age novel, but it is really really not.)

The world and fantastical aspects are fascinating (cyclical post apocalyptic societies! geology magic!), and the books themselves explore family bonds, racism in both a personal and systemic sense, and broken systems and the wounds they leave upon the people within them even as those people wound others. The series is not a light read, but it is a good one.

Literally anything by Ursula K. Leguin

All of her work could be recommended if you liked AMCE. Her writing spans fantasy and science fiction, and includes thoughtful and moving explorations of some similar ideas: culture and cultural exchange, gender, different societal setups, you name it.

If you're looking for a good novel, The Left Hand of Darkness is a classic for a reason. If you'd like a sample platter of interesting short stories, The Birthday of the World and Other Stories is wonderful.

[piteouspeculiarity]

Defining Home: Extended Author's Note

Warning: This might contain spoilers for the series

(For clarity, when I say 'Tommy' etc in this post, I'm talking about the characters from my fics, not the content creators themselves.)

So it's done, huh? This note will include the sappy shit, the fun facts, then some of the more serious stuff, because I just didn't want to add an essay to the end of that chapter.

First of all, thank you all for the support along the way. Defining Home is easily my most popular series of fics I’ve ever written and I’ve been writing fanfic for years now. The comments and the kudos and the bookmarks were so very validating when I was new to the fandom, and still are. Hell, people have gifted me fics and written related fics to Defining Home, which blows my tiny mind. I haven’t gotten the chance to read a lot of them yet (procrastination I know thy name), but when I do, I’ll be leaving my best comments in thanks <3

I'll be honest, when I posted the first chapter of Enough, I never expected it to turn into what it did.

That first chapter was written in my phone notes at 3am, hours before an exam. I hadn't interacted with the fandom at all at that point, didn't even have a Tumblr for it, but boy oh boy did I get a warm welcome.

The point is, that first chapter was a very spur in the moment thing, mainly consisting of one scene I couldn't get out of my head (Tommy on a train to Wilbur's). I've gotten a few people telling me since then that they wished that they could write as well as I can, which is a huge compliment, but every person can write a fic like Enough. There are things that we all struggle with when it comes to writing: dialogue, prose, starting scenes - I have my own things I struggle with, things you might have noticed, things you might have not. You don't have to be a perfect writer to tell a story, especially in fandoms, where betas are easy to come across.

Write your story, even if its just for yourself. Posting that chapter gave me the chance to make new friends and I'll never stop being grateful for that.

One of those friends is Kat, who I've mentioned a couple times in the author's notes, but who honestly, I owe a lot to. Kat has encouraged me and been one of the main motivators to write this fic when I felt like it would never be finished, or that I'd never live up to other people's expectations. Sometimes, that meant motivating in some weird ass ways, but hey, it worked.

People who know me in discord servers might know that I'm a simp for Kat and it's damn true. Kat, I love you, you've improved my life more than you know in the last couple months and you deserve so, so much happiness.

In fear of love reciprocation from Kat, we'll move swiftly on to the more fun side of things.

Anyone feel like fun facts? You might already know some of these because I tend to overshare in author's notes, but I'm pretty sure some of them are new to all of you.

Barney the dog? Named after my own late labrador, who I love very much and loved to jump in lakes and need rescuing, time and time again.

I had no plans in moving Tommy in with Techno, hell, I had no plans in Techno moving to England at all. It was as much of a surprise to me as it was to everyone else when he told Tommy the news, but I latched onto the idea and ran with it. I think it worked out okay, in the end.

Techno has a draw in his bedroom full of parenting books, most of which were stolen from Phil.

After Tommy asked for help about what to do with Dream, Wilbur sent Dream a dm telling him he better not fuck anything up and if he did, Wilbur would not hesitate to humiliate him in front of millions of people. It was unnecessary, of course, but Dream was definitely a bit more cautious about what he said when he listened to Tommy’s explanation.

Some of my favourite things about writing Defining Home:

The Tesco v Asda discourse. Look, some of you just need to accept that Asda is the superior shop and get off your Tesco stanning bullshit. /j

The offers I would get for new chapters, some honourable mentions being newborns, siblings, diamonds and kidneys.

Now, I know that as much as I tried to, I won't have managed to include everything that everyone wanted from Defining Home, whether that's certain confrontations or scenes, I am sorry if I haven't included.

I don't imagine myself writing any more in the series, not because I think there isn't more I could write about, but because as a whole it feels complete to me, and any added oneshots I write would disturb that.

Right now Defining Home feels well rounded in a way that I'm proud of. The minute I realised that Enough was going to turn into a series I planned out how I wanted it to work. Maybe its just the maths part of my brain, but I like how there's three fics, with three chapters in each and how Tommy heals as you progress throughout the series.

My aim for the series was for the tone to get lighter as you went through, because yes, things kept happening (confrontation with dad, beach incident etc) but the point was that Tommy dealt with those things in different ways that he would have earlier on in the series. I have lots of thoughts and lots of emotions about how he felt safe enough with his family to experience nightmares and such. I made an effort in The Truth Behind Family to include more fluff, especially in the last two chapters, because I think it’s important to show that yeah, his parents’ abuse effected him, but it didn’t dictate how he lived his life. 

Like yes, I could write about their first Christmas together, for example, and add it onto the series, but I don’t think that I’d be able to do the rest of the series justice in that. Defining Home is largely about what the title implies, Tommy discovering what words like ‘home’ and ‘family’ mean beyond what he’s been told he’s stuck with and I believe that by the end of the series, he’s been successful in that. 

I'm so proud of the characters I wrote, Tommy in particular, for how far they've come in Defining Home, but I think that in a way, it’s time for me to let them go.

That’s not to say I’m done with writing for sbi! Hell no! 

I have a couple long fics in the works and a one shot I’m working on. The main fic I’m excited to focus on now Defining Home is finished is heavy heart, heavy head, heavy hero which, to put it simply, is an sbi royalty au, where unfortunate circumstances mean Tommy is forced to become King. It’s going to be a little more plot focused than Defining Home was and I am so very pumped to give it my full attention instead of leaving that lonely one chapter on AO3 like I have been doing.

I was 🤏close to making a Discord server, but ultimately decided I’m much more suited to causing chaos on other people’s servers than running my own. I think at this point the karma would be too great to even consider making my own server, so if you’d like to talk to me on Discord, keep an eye for me on other people’s servers - I mainly lurk, but I’m pretty active on one or two :D

On a more serious note, Defining Home deals with some heavy topics and I’ve had comments tell me that they relate to Tommy’s situation and wish that they had their own found family to run to. 

This Tumblr post has a list of phone numbers and places you can contact if you need help or want someone to talk to. Saying that, I recognise that a list as long as that can be daunting, so feel free to shoot me a message and I can either help you find the right one for you, or keep you company for a bit if you need it. 

Not all of us are lucky enough to have our own found family, but that doesn’t mean that you won’t forever, or that you’re alone. My dms and ask box are always open if you want someone to talk to.

Keep yourselves safe <3

- Lee 

[kiribakuhappiness]

Fic ask game 17 and 6?

Fic Ask Game:

17: What has been the proudest moment for you so far since you started writing?

This is gonna sound so absolutely cheesy and cringe because it really doesn’t have much to do with my own writing at all but - whenever I get messages from other people (usually anons) who tell me that they’ve started writing again because they’ve been following along with my blog for a bit and I inspired them to just say fuck it and get back into it (or to start writing for the very first time in general!)

Seriously, trust me, I know how dumb that all probably sounds, but I think that is quite possibly the coolest thing I will ever do; inspire other people to enjoy the same things that I do. The internet is such a weird, wonderful, horrifying place because everyone is so encouraging and friendly until suddenly you’re Doing The Thing and then everyone seems to develop some kind of a vendetta against you because you’re making moves when they’re not or you’re not making The Right Moves or you’re making the Right Moves but you’re not from the Right Demographic to be making those kinds of moves and honestly? I’m fucking over it.

If you’re not confident enough in your own damn writing and you’re not having fun with it and are completely content writing literally just for yourself, then you need to a choose a different hobby/career path. Thinking that someone else is going to “steal your thunder away” or whatever else just because they write a similar story to yours or write a story that you’ve been thinking about writing for a while is a big ole red fucking flag - and if you’ve never heard anyone say this before, then listen to me real closely when I’m telling you right now.

Your story is just as unique of a creation as you are - even if you’re using the same old damn tropes to tell the same old damn story. I can write a Fake Dating story and litter it with hundreds of overused tropes and as long as I’m actually enjoying what I’m writing and as long as I’m giving it a proper effort to make it my own, then there is literally no one else who can write the same story as me, even if all of the elements and characters within the story are exactly the same. They won’t be able to replicate the way that I express certain emotions through the characters, they won’t be able to simulate the flow of a carefully constructed conversation/interaction like I can, they won’t be able to nail the imagery or the flowery sentence structures or the scattered symbolism or whatever else it is about your writing that makes you LOVE WRITING so damn much.

So whenever I get a long rambling Ask about how someone on this random blogsite in this random corner of the internet read my KiriBaku stories and were inspired to try writing or picking up writing again as a hobby? Bro - there is absolutely nothing else that I could ever create that would be cooler and make me feel more proud of myself than that. I truly fucking mean that.

6: What are some topics you will never write about?

This is a really interesting question because I know that a lot of people get really defensive about these kinds of things - whether it’s because they feel really passionately about a certain topic or perhaps they feel like it’s not their place to write about certain things, the reasons vary and the reactions to them vary even more.

For me (personally); there is nothing I won’t write if I have good reason for writing it.

This isn’t me tooting the ole “I Can Write Whatever I Want Cause Fuck Censorship” horn, because quite frankly I find that mindset to be kind of childish and ignorant to have (don’t misinterpret what I just fucking said, you internet scoundrels. I am not calling the act of having that kind of mindset childish or ignorant, I am saying that usually the people who have that kind of mindset are younger or uniformed in some way).

Just because you can write about something doesn’t mean you should.

Recently, I got some rather colorful Anon Hate about Cold Turkey, and honestly, I was expecting it to happen at some point to some degree, and while I won’t get into all of the gory details because like I’ve said many times before this blog space is for positive interactions and I feel like things like that are best left between the sender and the blog owner (though if you’d really like a response from me to something like that - try taking yourself off Anon next time so we can have a proper chat). But I understand where they were coming from when they sent it, which is why I chose to hear what they were saying but not directly engage.

To them - literally for all they know - I am just some random person on the internet who wrote some smut and that on its own is enough to condemn me right off the bat. Dude, I get it. I am literally the easiest target in that regard, internet trolls and those who feel they have a social justice to impart will obviously trickle into my Asks after posting a story like that because that’s how they feel and nothing I say or do can take that away from them (and it shouldn’t). It doesn’t hurt my feelings, I don’t take “You’re Horrible, go Choke” very seriously from an internet stranger, and that’s mostly because I know for a fact that person probably didn’t even attempt to read my story before they sent me all of that unnecessary hate.

It wasn’t just a smut story - it was a story that contained smut, and there’s a difference.

There are many people who use smut purely as a way to let loose on some of their most wild fantasies (whether those fantasies are morally grounding or not is a totally different topic), and honestly, as long as it doesn’t involve anything unsavory (and you all know EXACTLY what I’m talking about and if you don’t then bless you, you are what’s right with this world) then it really isn’t any of my damn business what they choose to write about on the internet.

I’m not their fucking mom. I’m not their therapist. I’m not their dictator or their president and, quite frankly, they are NOT my responsibility. I can look at something and be like, damn, that’s kind of fucked up in a way that my own emotional trauma doesn’t cope well with (I am not a foot fetish person blah gag sorry I just don’t get the appeal LMAO), but then I can just scroll past it and move on with my day.

But writing a story that contains smut doesn’t mean the story itself isn’t trying to make some kind of a point, or portray some type of healthy boundaries within a sexually active relationship (whatever relationship that may be), or try and enforce the idea that just because you have a connection with someone and just because it feels good, that doesn’t mean things will just magically work out if nobody ever openly discusses what they’re feeling.

That was literally the whole point of Cold Turkey, and I think that if the Anon who sent me that hate were to have actually read the story, then they probably would have recognized that and they might have even appreciated the overall message (or maybe they still wouldn’t, and that’s fine too)!

In the story, Katsuki believes that being attracted to Kirishima is like having an addiction because it helps to put a mental barrier between himself and his emotions that he is so unequipped to handle, and so to combat those undesirable feelings, he reacts in a sexually deviant way because in the moment it feels like the right thing to do in order to get what he wants without having to deal with any of the stuff that he doesn’t. But then he comes to realize that there’s far more to loving another person than just your sexual attraction towards them (which we see when there starts to become this emotional distance between them despite having been such good friends beforehand and despite having taken their relationship to the next level), so then he tries to defensively shoot to the opposite end of the spectrum and ignore literally everything that he is feeling in order to stumble back into the Friend Zone and maintain the relationship that they had before they were ever sexually active with each other - which he then realizes isn’t enough for him anymore. Kirishima was the perfect catalyst for this situation because at the end of the story, he showed Katsuki that there can be a happy medium between them, where they can exist together as friends and as lovers, and how all of that messy emotional stuff can still be portrayed in a healthy, sexy, fulfilling story that keeps the reader invested without falling victim to the same old toxic relationship tropes that usually come with this type of story.

There’s nothing I won’t write about if I have a good reason for it. Pretending that things don’t happen in real life and so shouldn’t happen in fiction is the same as turning a blind eye to gay relationships in fiction as being nothing more than either just “A Light-Hearted Wholesome Fic” or “Ravage Crazy Fantasy Sex.” There is a healthy medium, with beneficial values and positive outcomes, because Love is still Love and the experiences we all go through are one in the same.

Don’t let other people tell you differently. We are all humans, and we all deserve to know that the love we feel for others is in no way deviant or forbidden or taboo (whether that be with another man, or another woman, or another non-binary, or another of any of the other various labels that we like to give that make us easier to separate and manipulate and isolate from each other).

So if I write something with smut in it, or I write something with excessive violence, or I write something unsavory, I’m not doing it for shits and giggles or because I get some kind of sick pleasure from it. I’m not trying to provide shock value and I’m not trying to pry off of other people’s traumatic experiences (I’m not even trying to show any of my own because that’s my own business!)

I think a writer’s responsibility, especially in fiction, is to tell a story; a realistic story, a relatable story, a funny story, a heart-warming story, a sexy story, a heart-wrenching story. And yes, it’s all just fun and games, and no, people probably shouldn’t take it as seriously as they do, but that’s the great thing about participating in fandoms and choosing to be on the internet, everyone has their own opinions and beliefs (whether you like or not), and everyone has advice to give and wisdom to share and not everyone is filled with malicious intent if you’re willing to accept all of that for what it is.

These Ask responses got crazy long LMAO sorry sorry!! I just had so much to say and I wanted to say it in a way where I could get my point of inclusion and perspective across! I feel very passionately about these kinds of things and I don’t generally get to discuss them so openly so I really appreciate anyone who has made it this far! Thank you so much for the questions!! <3

[lord-rosenth0rne]

There are plenty of good conservatives. WHO who you donate money to DOES directly support shitty people who want certain groups pushed down (minorities, lgbtqia+, etc). The fucking audacity if you to get so heated and then say you don’t support chik fila. Im dead laugh. Do you not see how ridiculous you are??? Id hate to be your friend because you are literally being a bitter bitch actively harming any friend you might have you are minorities and lgbtq+. fuck off. (2/2)

(Sorry about this, guys. I just couldn't resist. I'll make this quick and politics will be off the blog asap. I'll get some funny stuff rolling when I'm done. Maybe some of Roomie's artwork as well.)

If you are so sure of yourself, come off of anon. There shouldn't be any reason for you not to if this is what you really believe. Unfortunately, resorting to name-calling disqualifies you in my book for meaningful debates but you really should be more proud about your stances instead of being anon.

And, I must stay it's bold of you to assume you'd even make the cut to be a friend of mine. So far, you've kinda shot yourself in the foot on that option. My friends and I don't talk to one another this way and we know where one another is coming from, even if it comes out wrong. We don't cancel each other and know when to agree to disagree. We barely even hold grudges. I'd rather not be your friend if that's the way you'd talk to yours in a disagreement. It's disgusting and abusive. My friends are well above all of that, thank you.

I'm not afraid to say my stance is the fact politics aren't black and white and no one should be treating it as such. A donation for a politician does not mean you support every little thing about them. Voting for a politician does not mean you support every little thing about them. It's naive to believe that. That's reality. You are choosing who you think is the best to run the country on their policies on various subjects. It's the same with Congress. What are their policies for protecting the country, what do they plan to do for the deficit, where do they stand on this, where do they stand on that? And you gather all of it up and figure out which is the best candidate for our country. It's very unwise to choose someone for a single policy alone and ignore the rest when it is a weighted decision. You are going to have to suck some things up when making a decision, especially when both politicians are the scum of the earth.

"Good Republicans (originally it was conservatives, the anon messaged to change it)"? According to what, exactly? Because they market themselves as LGBTQ+ friendly or minority friendly? What are their other policies like? Women's issues (including anatomy since some like to pretend a woman can't get pregnant during rape)? Abortion stance? Planned Parenting stance? Country issues? Security issues? Border issues? The deficit? The economy? Foreign affairs? Unemployment? Disaster response? What exactly ARE their stances on the LGBTQ+ and minorities and are they really allies or just trying to buy your vote only to not do anything once they get in? How do they feel about Trans people and transitioning? What do they think are basic human rights? Do they want troops overseas or to bring them home? How would they take care of our military and veterans? Police reform? What do they think of illegal immigrants? How would they help low-income families and neighborhoods? School funding? Medicaid? Social Security? Health insurance in general? How trustworthy are they? Are they sincere or is it empty promises to get where they want to be? What is their history like? Do you see why this isn't a black and white issue? There is no way you would ever have a candidate check all the boxes right. You could screw yourself over very easily if you do not pay attention. The same goes for Democrats. You thought they were off the hook? Nah, fam. Same damn thing. Rules for all, not for some.

If you're talking "Good Republicans" as in civilians, then you're kinda shooting yourself in the foot here as my original post pretty much defended the person in question. Scott IS a good person, as per his actions, but everyone wants to condemn him for doing what he thought was right.

Where do you draw the line? What is the most important out of all these issues and what issues would you allow to fall to the wayside, maybe hoping the candidate might not be so bad about it and have a change of mind? That's the issue you're facing every time you go up to the ballot box. At least, it is when you're well informed. When you're not, you're basically going the shallow route and picking a winner on what they've been most vocal about like a well-groomed dog at the annual dog show.

I don't support Chick-Fil-A for donating MILLIONS, not thousands, to anti-LGBTQ+ and discriminatory organizations, you know, places that SPECIALIZE IN THOSE ACTIVITIES. Same with the Salvation Army. Burger King knows what they did. Politicians don't specialize in that. They have much more going on than to be doing that. They have countries and states to run and nowadays, that's a career death sentence. I mean, you do support cancel culture. That's why you've messaged me, to confirm your stance on what happened to Scott, who also, mind you, sent donations to pro-LGBTQ+ charities, further proving my own point.

And yes, according to a lot of people as per your first message that I laughed at and deleted before realizing I wanted to respond, I'm supposed to be LGBTQ+ but there are a lot out there, including in the LGBTQ+, who don't believe ace/aro people belong there or exist in general. Oh, and I'm nonbinary. But that's okay. That doesn't mean I don't support them either way.

[mrswhozeewhatsis]

To stop the accusation that I’m dragging this out to please the drama llamas, I’ve studied everything I got (and spent a fair amount of time searching for things on blogs), and managed to whittle things down to their bare essentials. I’ve also tried to talk to everyone about everything, which took time. I won’t address everything that everyone has said on both sides, just a few points that are either concrete, or I can’t address them privately for whatever reason.

The timeline as I’ve been able to piece it together is like this:

Vanessa made a post about more popular writers complaining about lack of feedback. 

Beka messaged Vanessa wanting to know why Vanessa had a problem with her.

Vanessa responded in a way that upset Beka.

Beka blocked Vanessa.

Vanessa got around the block and sent anonymous asks to Beka.

Beka outed Vanessa by responding to the asks publicly.

Vanessa deactivated her blog.

Friends of both proceeded to attack each other.

Claims about Beka (this is not a complete list):

Only supports her friends on her blogs and in Pond Angel Fish Awards

Although it’s been a couple of months since Beka has reblogged fics from other writers at all, by going back through her #read with me tag, I see reblogs of fics from at least a dozen different writers just in May and June. I’ve only been tracking Angel Fish Awards since February, but since then, Beka has nominated 8 stories by 8 different writers.

Ignored asks for Big Fish advice sent to her blog

If there were a way for me to prove this, then I wouldn’t be listing it here. As it is, it’s impossible to prove. As a Pond admin, I’ve experienced the weirdest stuff with asks. I spent one evening chatting with a member while they repeatedly tried to send in asks, and we didn’t get a single one. I do know that asks sent via the app seem to be more likely to be eaten than asks sent via desktop, but asks sent both ways have disappeared. 

There are other claims, this is not a complete list, but I will be addressing them with Beka personally (I have already started doing this, actually). I’m only including these two because they can be proved or disproved with facts. Some of the other claims have been leveled against Big Fish in the Pond other than Beka, as well. The Pond will deal with those privately, but we hope you will see an improvement in these areas when the Pond returns from hiatus.

Claims about Vanessa:

I’ve talked to Vanessa about these, without anything constructive coming from it. I tried. I tried to explain to her that she could have gotten further by using less provocative language and offering constructive suggestions. We ended up having the same old arguments about unrelated issues and going around in circles. The only thing Vanessa ceded was that she should not have continued to reach out to Beka after Beka blocked her. She has apologized for this. I don’t need to list the rest here, just know the conversation happened and nothing came of it.

Claims about Beka’s opposition:

Made unsubstantiated claims about Beka sending herself anon hate

I’ll be the first to tell you that I don’t have a single clue how to figure out who has sent an anonymous ask on Tumblr. However, what I do know is that it requires access to the inbox the ask was sent to. In order for someone who is not Beka to say that Beka sent herself an anonymous ask, they would have had to have hacked into her account, somehow. I don’t know much about this, but it sounds illegal. Since there was proof of this offered, it’s a useless claim.

Picked apart posts on her personal blog and said they were intended for her writing audience when they were not

Beka’s personal blog was, she thought, relatively private. It was not meant for her readers to see. (There is an argument to be made about how it’s still a public blog that the world can see, but the charge is that she intended for her readers to see it and respond, and that is not the case.) Yet, someone took it upon themselves to stalk it, and then match posts between the two blogs, making it look like it all came from one blog. They then took their argument to the absurd and claimed she was using her mental health issues to drum up patrons on her Patreon. If that were the case, then it all would have been on her writing blog. But it wasn’t.

Belittled Beka’s cries for help, and then attacked her further

I don’t care if you didn’t believe her when she said she was on the edge, you just don’t do that, folks. That right there is the point where you either walk away or report her to Tumblr as a threat to herself. The last thing you do is double down on your attacks. Take a break, walk away, find a kinder, gentler way to make your point. I don’t care who they are or what they believe or have done, when someone puts the gun to their head, you do not tell them they are an awful human being.

Dissected every post, word by word, including auto tags, using intentionally provocative language

Not every post made was like this, but a lot were. This is high school stuff, guys. To rip apart words used by someone obviously in pain instead of reaching through and looking for the meaning behind it is petty and cruel. Not to mention it takes so much more energy to dig into things like that than to just respond to the meat of things. To take someone’s blog name and twist it into a degrading moniker is sickening. To attack words used in an effort to distract from the topic at hand, or to just add on to the already heaping pile of anger you’re throwing around is unconscionable and pointless. This is not what people who are coming from a place of love or kindness do. This is what you do when you hate someone, and that’s just not cool, guys.

Brought up old issues thought to have been settled a long time ago

My husband calls this “stamp collecting.” There’s a statute of limitations on things, and it depends on the thing, but my personal limit on Tumblr is about two weeks. If nothing has been said about something for two weeks, I assume it’s in the past and I try to move on. I say this because, if it weren’t settled, then we’d all still be working on it, right? If something is bothering me, and I work on it with someone, but I’m not happy, then I’m gonna keep working on it with that person. If they seem to forget (which happens because we’re all human), then I’m gonna send them a quick message. “Hey there! I’m still working on this thing. Can we talk about it again?” I do this with contractors who work on my house. I did this with clients when I worked in an office. To bring up something that happened a long time ago like it’s still an active issue is pointless, and goes against one of the main tenets of effective arguing.

Taking obvious glee in tearing down another person

Do I really have to talk about this? If you had any care for the other person, even enough to just care that they are a person, you would not gloat about how you’re going to tear them apart.

Really, all of this stuff comes down to if you are approaching the world and everything you do from a place of love or from a place of anger and pain. Even if you are angry and in pain, treat other people like you love and respect them, and you will find that everything is just better. 

If you feel like I’m coming down on one side or the other of this situation, just know that I’m not. Pretty much, I don’t like things that were done by both sides. These are just the things I feel more comfortable talking about in a public post like this.

Other stuff that’s come up in the course of all of this:

Complaining about notes/followers

So many writers, lately, are frustrated. Tumblr sucks balls on a good day when it comes to notifications and the whole algorithm mess, and that’s still being generous. In an effort to keep the porn blogs at bay, they’ve stifled all creators. Add to that how tags seem to never work when you’re searching for something, and disseminating your work is nearly impossible.

I could tell you all the different ways you can change your focus on the readers you do have, give you lists of things you can do to expand your audience, and offer advice about not comparing yourself to other writers. But you’ve already heard all of that. So, I’m just gonna say it.

If you complain publicly about a lack of notes or followers, you’re gonna look like a dick.

That doesn’t mean you are a dick. You’re just gonna look like one. You’re going to look like you’re ungrateful for the readers that you do have, which is going to turn off those readers, and you’ll end up with even fewer notes and followers. If you manage to disparage other writers while you’re complaining, you’re gonna look like an even bigger dick. So, just don’t do it, unless you don’t mind looking like a dick. 

Need to vent about it? Find a close friend and send it to them in a private message. Have a funny thought about it that you want to share? This is exactly what private messages are for. Create a group DM in discord. Heck, I think even Tumblr has a group chat option, now. Just, don’t put it on your blog, unless you want to lose followers. 

The number of admins at the Pond

Some folks seem to think that the Pond needs to add more admins in order to react more quickly when something goes down. Honestly, I have talked to Mana and Kale about stepping down as admin because I believe the opposite is true. We have a policy that we all must agree on the big things. However, we are separated by 8 time zones. There is a rare hour every few days (sometimes it’s weeks) when all three of us are awake and not occupied with caring for family members. We have a private group chat thing where we each toss ideas and questions and such into the pot when we’re doing things. When the others get to it, they add their two cents. Usually, there are two of us active at a time, and then we wait for the third to stop by for approval. Often, the third has a question or argument that then needs to be addressed, but the first or second one isn’t available. More admins would only be a good thing if we were all in the same time zone. But we’re not. We are an international group, which I believe is a good thing, but the downside is that it slows us down. Sometimes, being slow is a good thing, too. Generally, at least one of is calm and level-headed at any given time. It shifts on who that one is, but they keep us from doing anything rash.

The whole problem is that no one feels like they can tell you when there’s a problem

I’ve heard this so many times, now, but I haven’t responded to it publicly, so here goes. 

Most of you don’t know what I’m like in person, but I’m built like a linebacker. I’m tall, I’m heavy, and I have wide shoulders. I have literally scared small children. Take Jared Padalecki, add another Jared Padalecki on the side, and then take away all the pretty, and you come close to what I’m like when you see me walking down the street. 

I don’t want to be a scary person that anyone is afraid to approach. My goal in life is to be kind and fair. I will give you second and third chances, because I know how awful it feels to be written off. 

My ask box is always open. My chat windows are always open. My email address is mrswhozeewhatsis@gmail.com. I’m the same on discord and skype. I don’t care if you think your thing is stupid, if it’s something that’s bothering you, and I can help, then I want to help. I can’t always help, but I always want the opportunity to try.

If I have ever done anything that made you feel like I didn’t care, then I give you permission to tell me. I’ll hate hearing it, but I need to hear it. 

If I have forgotten to follow up on something for you, PLEASE REMIND ME. Holy, cow, I have a TERRIBLE memory. It’s really bad. I have tricks and stuff that I do to try to make sure I don’t lose track of things, but it still happens. Please, come back to me and remind me that I promised you something. I guarantee that I will not be mad or upset. I will be glad, because you’re helping me to be the person I want to be.

I think that’s about it. The Pond is still on hiatus, indefinitely. We have a lot of things we’re talking about for if/when we come back, and some of them are really exciting to me. I hope we come back. I hope we can make the Pond what we always meant it to be. We’ll need help, and constant feedback from our fishy family, but I still have hope.

[joshler]

regarding my last post

tw// topics relate to suicide/suicide prevention, racism, and bullying

before i get put on blast for “being white” or whatever the replies have accused me of: no, i’m actually a queer asian poc! my dad is a chinese immigrant from hong kong and my mom is cambodian who immigrated to america from vietnam during the vietnam war. i support blm 1000% bc i feel that as a fellow minority, we are on the same team. we’ve felt oppression, in different degrees, yes, but oppression nonetheless. i wanted to clear the air in regards to myself personally because the things aimed at me in the replies of my last post were insensitive and ignorant when you do not personally know me.

i would like to say i’m more of an update page at this point for TWENTY ONE PILOTS. i’m not here to get political, but i do want to say some things in regard to yesterday’s twitter incident with tyler joseph. first of all, YIKES. the joke was distasteful and the entire “thread” on everything he made yesterday had the worse timing in the history of ever. the platform “joke” was in regards to everybody pressuring for him to say something on current events such as blm, lebanon, etc. those things are very important and i have already done many things on my part to support blm and lebanon including donations, signing petitions, and posting on my main social media accounts (i’ve really ghosted tumblr) with ways others can help. i put links to resources, petitions, and places to donate among other helpful sites. the way tyler handled things yesterday was really idiotic on his part. with that dumb joke, he could have immediately linked blm and apologized right afterwards which is what should have been done. instead, he moved on into a tangent regarding mental health and suicide awareness. i understand what he was trying to say, but in the heat of the political movement RIGHT NOW, shifting the conversation to mental health while it should have been about blm was a terrible choice on his part. even if he connected how mental health and blm tied in together, it would have been great for what he was trying to say.

WHAT HE MEANT for all of the sjws jumping on this bc “a white man is being racist and using his privilege”: september is suicide prevention month. tyler’s intensions with the platform tweet was to make fun of everyone mass tweeting him for the past few months (you cannot make people do things). he was NOT mocking blm or any political movement. that platform joke was supposed to lead into talking about mental health. for anyone who doesn’t know, tyler is a very meticulous person. there’s no doubt he’s planned talking about this stuff for a long time. the fucking band’s moto is “stay alive” so of course mental health is a huge part of twenty one pilots culture, and tyler would want to talk about it. at the same time, that doesn’t mean i’m at all excusing him for not immediately speaking on behalf of blm in yesterday’s tweets. once he saw that what he was saying was not received as he thought it would be, tyler apologized for hurting anyone and sent out the links.

this is not the first time he has talked about blm either (as seen above). his band mate (josh) and wife (jenna) have spoken on behalf of blm as well. debby ryan (josh’s wife) has been the most vocal in regards to everything going on right now. for you strangers out there to jump on here and to call him this and that is doing nothing but spreading negativity. you are wasting your own time. instead of badgering people, how about taking your business elsewhere or at least trying to educate others. do not come onto my replies just to make trouble. as fans, you can’t just say “we don’t personally know them” while you know even less than we do since you just popped in when shit hit the fan for them and they turned “problematic.” tyler did what was right at the end of the day. i am not praising him at all, but he has at least apologized and learned his lesson.

in regards to them being rich and not donating: nobody knows what they’ve done behind the scenes. i personally donated to many blm funds and to the red cross in lebanon, and nobody knows that until now! just because you donate does not mean you are obligated to publicly blast that for everybody to know. your money is going to a cause that you support, and that should only really matter to you. celebrities are no exception to that idea.

fun fact: tyler has a niece named mercy on his wife’s side! she is black and tyler and his wife are extremely close to her and her family. to come out of no where just to call him racist and all that when you in fact don’t know a thing about him besides some surface tweets is uncalled for. in regards to being silent on the crisis in lebanon, tyler is part lebanese! without a doubt, he’s donated to some sort of lebanon aid fund. but again, we will never know.

for those of you upset about the platforms: dollskill isn’t the only site that sells those boots! dollskill is certainly the most popular brand the shoes are on, but if you look them up, the platforms pop up else where as well. to blatantly say “oh he supports dollskill so he’s racist/homophobic/supports the police/all the shit that company stands for” is just as ignorant as you think he is!  dollskill as a company is complete shit. i don’t support them at all. many people think they’re from dollskill mainly because of this one instagram page that’s all about finding the exact/similar clothing to what tyler/josh/jenna/debby have worn, but we cannot be 100% sure that they were purchased from dollskill. that shit company steals from other smaller artists/designers, remember? (that same instagram account reuploaded a link to a different store who is selling them, as found here)

if you still have beef with tyler and what he said, there’s really no point in bickering just to call complete strangers “stupid” or “clowns” or just really hurtful names! you are screaming into an abyss and hurting others at the same time. there is a fine line between straight up bullying and educating others on bettering their understanding with what is currently going on. my intensions behind the post was to show that he had become active again. we are a fandom, and i like to update my page when they post new pictures. that is simply what i did. i made THIS post to clear the air on what people were saying about ME. i deleted tumblr off my phone because what was being said was just belittling and i didn’t want to see that when this whole situation with what tyler did already made me upset. feel free to dm me if you would like to talk about anything. i would be happy to discuss any points that i’ve mentioned. i would much rather have a civil conversation than be picked on through replies and anonymous messages.

at the end of the day, not everyone can always have satisfied and that’s okay. if anything, this entire situation truly opened my eyes to that. hopefully you read through this whole thing before you put anything on blast again.

here’s this, too. they do care.

summary: sorry on behalf of tyler joseph. he needs to work on reading the room better.

[xxchibimasterxx]

meowchiis replied to your post “It is really hard to resist the temptation to go back to someone that...”

i know i don’t know the situation personally but i’ve been there - there are days that feel impossible and like it would be easier to go back but trust me you’re doing fantastic �� soon you won’t have to repeat this to yourself and you’ll make even more progress! you’re doing great trust me

Thanks, Sam. I appreciate it.

The situation itself is...long and complicated. I’ve been friends with this guy for nearly 8 years, and even though a huge chunk of that time has been spent fighting and arguing and having periods of time where we’re not talking to each other, it’s still really hard to let go of all of that. I mean, 8 years! Christ.

I stopped talking to them mid-February, after an incident that was just...very obvious they were in the wrong for, and yet they insisted that I was the problem instead and refused to give even the most basic apology because of it.

To keep it as brief as I can, the night before, we wanted to watch some episodes of a show we were watching together that we needed to catch up on, after they had been either gone or busy for like, months. But the internet was bad and we couldn’t sync up our videos, so they said that we would watch this episode tomorrow, at noon, earlier in the day, because they assumed the internet was bad because everyone was home at night. “We will watch this episode tomorrow, okay?” they said.

The next day, it’s noon, and they’re seemingly not around. I send them a few random messages throughout the day to see if they’re around, and I wait for them. They don’t respond until around 6:30 pm, which would have been 7:30 pm their time, and the only thing they have to say is “I’m doing that thing you don’t like. That’s all I’m gonna say.” Which is basically code for “I’m getting drunk or high right now.”

Now, to keep that short, basically, I had put my foot down before about not wanting them to talk to me if they were high or drunk because I did not like talking to them while they were under the influence. It just wasn’t fun, it was obnoxious and annoying, at best, and kinda creepy and a little cult-ish, at worse, because when they were high, it was like either talking to a wall that babbled about bright colors and crap, or they’d talk as if they’d unlocked the secrets of the universe or opened up their third eye or something--ya know, that kind of stoner stuff. And even though they knew I didn’t want to talk to them while high, there were several times where they deliberately withheld that information and would attempt to continue having a conversation with me if I messaged them without knowing, only for them to confess either after a few minutes of talking, or after I get suspicious and questioned them if they’re high. So like, they’ve broken my fucking trust on this before, and because of that, I demanded that if I message them and they’re drunk or high, they need to tell me, and then don’t talk to me. Just a “Hey, I’m drunk/high right now, we’ll talk later,” that’s it! But even then, they’d keep pressuring me about it and acting as if I had some terrible problem to overcome, as if it was on par with being some kind of bigot, even though my problem wasn’t him getting high, I just didn’t want to have a conversation with them while they’re high, but somehow this was so hard to grasp? Like they’d make it out as if we’d never talk to each other again, or they’d be hyper-literal about it and think that “talking” meant “all communication, period, even if it’s important information” rather than “an actual conversation.”

Anyway, so, I’m mad. Because this is all they had to say, after I waited all day for them. No apology for not making it, no explanation for why they didn’t make it, just, “I’m doing the thing you don’t like,” and in the absence of an explanation, all that tells me is “I chose to ditch plans with you and get high or drunk instead.” But, they’re drunk or high right now. It didn’t seem like the best time to Get Into It, so I said “Okay” and left it at that. The next day, I waited until noon to see if they’d ever come around to apologizing and explaining why they ditched me, if something had happened before they decided to go get drunk or high, or hell, if they had just fucking forgot. They didn’t, and so I breached the subject and sent them a message that said, “You suck, by the way. You said we would watch that RWBY episode yesterday afternoon and you weren't around, said nothing all day, and then only responded at night to tell me you were ‘doing that thing you don't like.’”

They then proceed to claim we could have hung out otherwise but “you don’t like talking to me like that,” implying that it’s my fault we ended up not hanging out because of my “weird” boundaries. This, despite the fact that even if I didn’t have a problem with hanging out with them while they were high, it would be a moot point because the plan was to try to watch stuff early in the day, not at night. I call them out on the passive aggressive remark and how it wasn’t okay for them to be so flippant about my boundaries, especially when this wasn’t even about my boundaries this was about them dropping the ball on plans, they get mad at me for it and claim they were just stating things, and in general proceed to claim that it’s mean of me to demand they respect my boundaries instead of asking them to because “that’s what friends do,” ignoring that the reason I demand is because they’ve repeatedly disregarded my boundaries before, and they go off about how they don’t like being told what to do and why should they tell me anything when plans change and they don’t like being told they suck and they hate feeling judged about their choices and how they have a huge problem with that, and like!!! 

IT’S NOT ABOUT THE DAMN DRUGS. IT’S BASIC HUMAN DECENCY, THAT’S WHY. YOU MADE PLANS WITH ME. YOU CHANGED PLANS. YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME INSTEAD OF KEEPING ME WAITING IN THE DARK, OR IF YOU COULDN’T, YOU SHOULD HAVE TRIED TO APOLOGIZE AND EXPLAINED LATER WHEN YOU COULD! LIKE MAYBE RIGHT WHEN I MESSAGED YOU! YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME RIGHT THEN WHY YOU DIDN’T MAKE IT! And in the complete absence and absolute refusal to make an apology or explanation (they actively refused!), all I’m still left with is that they willingly ditched plans with me to get drunk or high instead. And buddy that’s not a good fucking look. 

And just. The way they treated the whole thing, the way they actively dismissed how I felt and kept twisting the conversation to be about them and how they feel (which can be summed up as “I’m upset you’re upset with me and told me I hurt you, and I think you’re just judging me because of drugs and not for any legitimate reason”), and it just all reminded me that even if they had changed for the better in some ways over the years, at their core, they’re still...this. They still react by being more offended at being told they hurt you and doing all sorts of mental gymnastics to justify why you’re the one in the wrong, actually, and you’re the mean one, the toxic one, the abusive one.

It reminded me too much of our earlier fights, and that’s when I seriously decided to try to break things off.

And see, the pathetic thing is that, while I haven’t spoken to them since mid-February, and while I’m trying to distance myself, I still can’t bring myself to actually delete them from my social media and stuff because I can’t...really deal with the permanence of it yet, I guess. And I guess part of me is still just holding out to see if they’ll come around and give me a damn apology, as sad as that is.

I’m trying to get myself into the headspace of letting go, but fuck, it’s hard.

[deadinsidedressage]

So my snail mail blog has like... almost as many followers as this and all I do is set up a fucking queue of aesthetic photos and post my own outgoing mail; which means my followers don’t interact with me at all--- which means y’all are getting this story because I need... attention?

I started writing penpals off tumblr (and therefore running my blog) over 2 years ago. Three of my very firstly acquired penpals have (had lol) continued writing me this whole time (idk if y’all know about the penpal community on tumblr, but you get  a lot of casuals who get too in over their head and fall off. it happens. writing takes time.). Two were very SUPER quick responders & a very loyal! They also ended up becoming penpals with one another because I rec’d them to each other (one was like actively looking for more and the other just writes such short letters that she can handle a big ass volume). Both were also like, not super conversationalists but it was sort of their individual quirks and not like being jerks or anything (Penpal X had a confusing way of responding & Penpal Y just seemed like someone with difficulties communicating with others but was also super sweet). Penpal X started giving me weird vibes--- just really getting too gung-ho with subjects that I knew they weren’t sincerely into and were just like being super fake into it to like... gain favor with me? It was just getting really hard to write letters because I felt like what had once been a genuine penpal relationship had turned into a really odd fake one where the person was just really desperate to make me happy and yikes didn’t like. Anyway, since we’d been writing for 2ish years, I did send Penpal X a “break-up” letter sort of sending best wishes and explaining that I just was really struggling writing letters but had really valued their penship and was perhaps open to writing again in the future (just that I needed time and especially with all the wedding planning/being an adult stuff going on I just needed to curb down my penpal volume anyway).  Didn’t block Penpal X on any socials, just wrote the letter and sent it and was chill with answering questions if they DM’d me because I sincerely didn’t wish them any ill will, just couldn’t write them anymore. Never got any messages, Penpal X moved on.  Now... then out of nowhere, I get a “return to sender” on a Penpal Y letter. They had just moved so I thought perhaps the address was just wrong and that was the issue (because it did say it was “undeliverable due to address”. Mmkoi. Pop on the tumblr to send them a message and ask if the address was right... Tumblr says blog doesn’t exist. Hmm. Now, Penpal Y also did a lot of fandom stuff and got a bunch of mean anons from people related to the fandom. Penpal Y had mentioned it in like a recent letter too. So my immediate thought was “oh maybe they deactivated tumblr bc bullies”. Then I hop on the Instagram and I can’t find them... So then I’m thinking, errr... either the bully was on all platforms (their username was the same) or it’s me... Right so, banking on it just being an internet bully thing... I do what ya do when you can’t read your penpal’s handwriting correctly... Google that shit. Find the address I was using like potentially had the wrong city name, so I readdressed the letter and sent it off.  Now, Penpal Y responds FAST and if they don’t then they’ve been sick or something else and find away to tell me--- also has a history of contacting me to ask if I’d received their letter if my lazy ass is taking too long to respond.  Letter as sent off like... a WHILE ago. Now to the point I’m thinking that I might like... never get a response and this penpal like blocked me all on all social to ghost me.  ESPECIALLY since I just checked again today and saw their Tumblr was active again (or I was unblocked) and they’re like full on running a Secret Santa thing. (which I had signed up for??)  Anyway, I’m being some type of way because it’s sort of a courtesy thing to let people know you’re done writing them when you’ve corresponded as long as we had. I’m trying to nail down a “why” and the only thing I can think was maybe Penpal X defamed me to Penpal Y?? No idea though. I’m salty though.

[nikfix]

Cranking Up the Gain with Neverdie’s Tani Cariño and Bren Pasamba

(Photo source: http://www.redhorsebeer.com/index.php/blogs/article/5-local-releases-to-watch-out-for)

NEVERDIE might be over, but hopefully, posting my gear feature about them isn’t too late. I’ve seen these guys around, and I’m really impressed with what they‘ve done as a unit. They brought the house down the moment they played the first set in their second to the last April 14 at Saguijo, Makati. They played their last gig the week after at Mow’s,  Matalino, Quezon City. The energy and power these guys shared onstage is something I strive to have with the gigs I play. In this gig, I made some new friends with guitarists Tani Cariño and Bren Pasamba.

(This interview was done last month, the week after Garage Morning’s gig with them)

Fun Fact: their bassist Lip Dalangin is my trusted luthier, as well as with my band Garage Morning. 

How did you start making music and playing guitar?

Tani: I started in the late 90’s after my older brother taught me how to play “Basket Case” by Green Day. I guess after that it’s never been the same.

Bren: Originally I wanted to play the drums, but a kit was too expensive and our house at the time wasn't big enough to have space for one... or handle the noise. So as a compromise my mom borrowed an old classical guitar for me instead. But my first real guitar was a Rockstar classical guitar where I learned and played Eraserheads songs.

How did your band start out?

Tani: Neverdie started out as a skate crew. After accumulating enough guys in the crew we decided to form a band. I guess after the last show, we’ll go back to being a skate crew.

Bren: I wasn't supposed to be part of Neverdie initially, just a seessionist. But since my schedule was more flexible, I got in haha.

Who are your main influences? And how did they inspire you to play better?

Tani: I’m a huge Blink guy so my first primary influence would be Tom DeLonge and Mark Hoppus. I also took a bunch of ideas from Rufio, Mock Orange and Moneen. More recently, I’ve been influenced by bands like Title Fight, Transit, You Blew It! and The Menzingers.

All these bands are quite melodic in the midst of grit which is what I lean more into. I love the melodic stuff and I always try to listen to new bands so I can get new ideas from them. My foundation for riffs are the Tom DeLonge influenced ones then I just expand from there.

Bren: As a kid my main influences were Ely Buendia and Tom DeLonge haha. But as I grew older and started discovering more music (thanks to Myspace and Limewire) it introduced me to those who influence my music and playing now. From the top of my head: Taking Back Sunday's John Nolan, Brand New's Jesse Lacey, George Harrison, Nothing's Brandon Setta, Title Fight's Jamie Rhoden, Mong and Diego from andwich, Steve and Pakoy from Typecast, David Gilmour, and Kevin Shields, the guys from You Blew It!, The Flatliners, Joyce Manor, and lastly Beast Jesus' Francis Maria and Raphael Pulgar are my inspirations to play although I'm aware it doesn't show in my playing haha. Listening to the songs they've made just inspire me to play in general, nothing in the terms of technique or technicality, pero their playing gets me in the mood to play.

Tell us more about your music.

Tani: Aside from Neverdie, I also play in Irrevocable and Lindenwood. Unfortunately, both Neverdie and Lindenwood are currently calling it a day for different reasons. I personally felt that us in Neverdie just overstayed our welcome. We decided to just finish the band off and start a new band with a slightly different sound. It’ll be our last show / 2nd full length release on April 21 at Mow’s.

As for Lindenwood, our vocalist just decided he wanted to try different things outside of music. Maybe at some point we’ll be back but at the moment it’ll be good for us to take a break. We put out a full length last year.

I’m currently active in Irrevocable which is a band my girlfriend is also in. Featuring members of Nyctinasty (now 3/3), Behind Bears, Beast Jesus, Past Forward, The Oemons, Browse in Bridge and Disquiet Apartment. We have a Singapore show and an album release coming up. We’re planning more fly shows after that so I hope we pull through!

Bren: Neverdie has and always has been a pop punk band though we are and have been influenced by math rock, emo, post-hardcore, hardcore, etc. So whatever happens after, it will be in the same spectrum. As for my future plans, hopefully I get a job soon after my masters because I've been eyeing so many guitars and pedals online haha. GAS is too strong.

Tell us about your guitars. Which is your favorite one and why?

Tani: I’ve been a Tele player for the longest time but I’ve recently started using Rickenbackers for many reasons. I like how not a lot of people use them and they sound different. I do have to work harder to make them sound amazing but it’s always a great pay off.  They’re durable as well because of the all maple build. Here’s my current lineup of guitars:

1) 2000 Rickenbacker Fireglo 330 – My first Rick. I was actually supposed to trade a bunch of guitars for a 60’s American Vintage Tele but when I saw this in the room of the guy I was trading with, I asked him I could grab this instead and he agreed. Rickenbacker stopped using Bubinga for their fretboards so I’m stoked I was able to grab one. I also got lucky with this one because it has the Toaster pickups.

2) 2014 Rickenbacker Blue Boy 330 – If you ask me, it looks more like a Seafoam Green 330. This one has the High Gain pickups and the newer Caribbean Rosewood fretboard. I like Bubinga but I actually prefer the color and feel of the Caribbean Rosewood more plus it’s sustainable.3) 2007 Rickenbacker Blue Burst 360 – I actually had to ask around for this guitar because I saw the dude from Oh Flamingo! use it. He borrowed it from a friend and I sent that dude a message. This one has the High Gain pickups and Bubinga fretboard. To me, if my 330s feels like a Gibson 335 then this one feels more like a Les Paul.  

3) 2007 Rickenbacker Blue Burst 360 – I actually had to ask around for this guitar because I saw the dude from Oh Flamingo! use it. He borrowed it from a friend and I sent that dude a message. This one has the High Gain pickups and Bubinga fretboard. To me, if my 330s feels like a Gibson 335 then this one feels more like a Les Paul.

4) 2008 Fender Custom Shop Custom Classic Telecaster – My first Custom Shop. I fitted a Miles Anodized Gold pickguard in it. It has the premium ash 1 pc body and the flamed maple neck. Serial number says it’s made in 2005 but the paperwork says it’s 2008. Easily the best Telecaster I’ve ever owned.

5) 2015 Fender Mexico Classic Series 72’ Telecaster Custom – A birthday gift from my folks. I got this in Tom Lee HK. It’s heavily modified at this point. I added Graphtech string trees, Graphtech 3 barrrel saddles, 1 meg pots on the neck, a Bareknuckle flat ’52 on the bridge. I might get a Wide Range neck pickup that’s spec’d more like the vintage ones down the road.

6) 2011 Fender Mexico Blacktop Telecaster – Another birthday gift from my folks. I got this in Tom Lee HK as well. Also, heavily modified at this point. I added Graphtech string trees, Graphtech 6 saddles, Graphtech Nut, Tesla PAF on the neck, Seymour Duncan Prails on the bridge, anodized black Miles pickguard, Ernie Ball knobs. I have a Bareknuckle humbucker sized P90 on the way and I’ll be fitting it on here. I’m also thinking of swapping out the tuners for the locking ones.

7) 2014 Miles Interloper – I have a guitar business called Miles (currently in hiatus) and this is the first prototype. It’s a Jazzmaster body with a telecaster neck. Fitted with a roller bridge, tune-o-matic stoptail, one volume knob and, Seymour Duncan Jazzmaster Antiquities. Pine body and a maple neck with a kamagong fretboard. I used this on the road so much. It’s pretty beat up so it’s retired at this point.  

As for favorites, at the moment it’s both 330s and the Custom Shop Tele. All guitars are fitted with DiMarzio Cliplocks and Elixir Nanoweb strings.

Bren: Initially I was a Les Paul guy until Tani forced everyone in Neverdie to get Telecasters. Prior to that I always dreamt of getting a Les Paul though my first guitar was a Strat copy (which I think is the most common starting point for beginners?). But I discovered and fell in love with Offset guitars, particularly Jazzmasters. I love how they look and feel being a bigger guy. I have a White and tort Squier VM Jaguar, a Red and Tort Squier VM Jazzmaster, a Black and tort Riverhead Jazzmaster, a Miles Guitars Interloper (Telemaster), a Black on Black MICSIS Custom Jazzblaster, and a Black and Gold Fender Blacktop Jazzmaster, my "Number 1", on my rotation. But my current favorites are my Stratocasters. I fell back into them a year ago thanks to Nothing. Whenever I feel like switching things up I use either my Black on Black MIM Fender Squier series Stratocaster or a Cream on tort MIJ Fender Stratocaster. I bought a white on mint SX Stratocaster on a whim because I loved the color haha though I've never used it. Still on the hunt for a Telecustom haha.

Let’s take a look at your pedalboard. What effects do you use live?

I used to run with a bigger pedalboard but after doing one fly show wherein I had to pay for my overweight baggage, I decided it wasn’t worth it anymore especially since I always bring my amps to non-fly shows anyway. Nowadays, I just run with a boost, a small reverb that’s maxed out to act both like a delay and a normal reverb depending on the situation, an amp based OD (or parametric EQ), a tuner and a wireless rig.

For this year, the mainstays on my board are the following:

Shure PGX14 Wireless Unit – My dad gave this to me as a birthday gift back in 2006 if I’m not mistaken. It’s the piece of gear that I’ve had the longest and still use to this day.

Korg Mini Tuner – I’ve been using regular sized Korg Pitchblacks for awhile now so going with the mini tuner just made sense especially since I downsized. I absolutely hate clip on tuners for live use so I just prefer pedal tuners as they react faster.

Vitoos ISO8 – I only got this last week. It’s my first time using an Isolated PSU since I recently got a pedal that requires it. Most PSU’s are made in China so I had no issue with getting a relatively unknown brand. It’s my second Vitoos PSU and I’ve always had a great experience with them. Also helpful when you need to play shows in other countries that don’t use the same power voltage you normally do since it’s rated internationally. Get one at Guitar Pusher. Highly recommended!

Orange Two Stroke – Another pedal I just got this year. I’ve been eyeing this one for awhile now but I couldn’t pull the trigger just yet because It was so confusing to use then one day I just decided to go for it and I’ve been using it ever since. It’s a great Parametric EQ / Clean Boost pedal which dials my tone better and makes use of my amp more. Orange amps are typically dark amps so I use this to raise a bit of the high mids. Probably the most versatile pedal I have because it can do so much it’s insane. You can place it anywhere on the board, you can use it for acoustic or bass, you can turn your single coil guitar into a humbucker or vice versa, you can use it as a regular OD or boost pedal, etc etc. Highly recommended!

For my boost, I switch between a bunch of Wamplers (Euphoria, Pinnacle, Plexi Drive), a 65 Pedals Colour Boost and, a JHS Superbolt. For future fly shows, I might use two Wamplers instead of the Two Stroke. One for boost and the other to act as my preamp since I can’t bring my amps with me. I also have an Orange Amp Detonator which is an ABY pedal. I haven’t used it live but I will if I’m suddenly lacking one guitar player in any band I am. I also use Lava cables.

I also have a separate board at home. I just plug in my live board beside it. For my home board I have a NUX JTC Looper on that for practicing and writing songs. I also have one of the ODs above on it as well so I can play with different tones at home.

Bren: From the guitar I go into my Devi Ever Hyperion to my Snark Tuner then to a Diamond J-Drive MK3, to a TC Electronic Flashback X4, to a TC Electronic Hall of Fame Reverb. This is where my board really ends, but I have 2 loopers at the end: a TC Electronic Ditto and a Boss RC-3. The Ditto I use at home when just playing around, and the RC-3 I use live as a sampler, for comic relief haha.

I’ve seen Tani bring this amazing Orange TH30 Head with a 4x12 cab. What amps do you use at home and live?

Tani: It’s actually a 4x10 cab and I love how it looks like a 4x12. I only started using 10”s last December 2017. I find that the 10” speakers have more detail compared to a 12” so that’s what I’ve been using recently.

I still use my TH30 head and 4x10 cab at home as well as an Orange CR120 head, Orange Dual Terror and an Orange 2x12 open back cabinet. My tube driven Orange heads are setup to have more head room. I placed a 12AT7 tube in the first gain stage rather than a 12AX7 to give the amps a bit more breathing room. All the Orange gear I have sound great both on stage and at low volumes. Tough as nails too.

Bren: I currently have an Ibanez TSA15H paired with a Miles 1x12 Cabinet with Eminence Red White and Blues and an Orange Tiny Terror with an Orange 1x12 Cabinet. I primarily use the Oranges, and mix it up with an Orange Micro Terror as a back-up when I&#39;m feeling lazy. I also have an old Kustom 2x12 Cabinet but it is too bulky to bring to shows.

What are you listening to right now?

Tani: A new record by a band called Fiddlehead released last week called “Springtime and Blind” featuring members of Have Heart and Basement. Scott Sellers of Rufio also put out something new called “The Judge”.

Bren: I've been listening to The Wonder Years’ new album since it came out. Then on rotation I have Daniel Caesar, Citizen, Basement, Modern Baseball, Code Orange and Knuckle Puck when driving. Also Hop Along's new album is good too. I also discovered this new band yesterday called Any Name's Okay, they're good haha. Yeah so far they're who I listen to on a daily basis nowadays.

What advice can you give to your fellow guitar players and musicians who want to play like you do?

Bren: My advice for other players and myself is stop comparing your playing to other people. It'll help you find your own "voice", but it'll help you relax as well as a person and as a musician. Just relax and be comfortable in your own skin... or fingers haha. Learn from those you watch and who's around you, don't compete because it really isn't a competition haha.

Tani: Never skimp out on tuners. Get a high quality pedal tuner because the cheaper ones just don’t react as fast. The more time you tune on stage, the less time you have to play so make sure to get one that tracks well. I’ve had a good experience with the Snark Tuner pedal. I think that’s the cheapest tuner pedal that can track almost as well as a Pitchblack.

Avoid displaying guitars in your room. Keep them in a case when not being used. Always check everything in your gear if it works before the show. Bring a back-up of a back-up because you never know if something will go wrong. Study your gear well to a point that you know if it’s making noise, you can instantly pinpoint the problem. Buy a can of contact cleaner. If it’s making noise, it’s most likely dirty. A quick spray of contact cleaner will usually do the trick.

Practicing regularly with the band is important but it’s also important to practice how to setup and tear down your rig the fastest way possible. I absolutely hate it when bands take so long to setup and tear down.

If you’re going to try and play like someone, don’t just pick one and try to keep an open mind so that you can find your own style in playing.

Most importantly, have fun. If you’re in a band that writes original songs, don’t focus on profit or even if people will like it. Write songs that YOU will like.

[cereittanyprincess15]

Unfortunate hiatus (very long post)

Hello darlings, I’d like to have a not-so-quick word. I know I’ve been very scarce with posting since last year, I’m very aware of it in fact, and while I’ve still managed to get a few MEP parts out and one pretty long video since then it hasn’t been nearly enough compared to have much I wanted/needed to have finished. The thing is, I burnt myself out trying to finish my TTWU audition on time, it was so bad I was losing major amounts of sleep, and the day it was due I was actually running on fumes and only getting some rest in the hours it was rendering before I had to run to work because it ended the exact hour I started. It was really bad, but I got in and I was so happy, but because the burnout had begun I wasn’t able to summon that same amount of drive to finish the first round and ended up falling into a very deep depression.

I loathed myself for working so hard to get in and then dropping out before I could finish that first entry when everyone else was working so incredibly hard around me and that spot could’ve gone to someone else, someone who could’ve told their own story, and that depression mixed in with the burnout to create the biggest blackhole of inspiration I have ever experienced in my years as an editor. So I stopped editing for a while, and became what I hated the most: a deadline-missing unresponsive unreliable MEP letdown. 

I joined so many MEPs before the rp started that I was left with no drive to finish the parts I had left, and I felt so embarassed and hypocritacal in not finishing anything that I feared going up to the hosts to explain why I wasn’t done. If I had no intention of finishing the part because I lost interest I ended up lying because I felt they had waited so long, I should just suck it up and give them their part anyway, and if I wanted to finish my inspiration to actually sit down and work was still gone so I had to keep asking for time. I was disgusted by myself for letting my reputation, at least how I saw it, fall because I was becoming that awful type of person who disappeared once the deadline came around, and I wanted so badly to finish everything but no matter how long I regained my strength or how inspired I became by those really awesome parts I was looking so forward to I just couldn’t bring myself to work for longer than an hour or so if I was lucky.

That was last year, and so many people are still waiting on me. There are for certain MEPs I want to leave because I just don’t care enough anymore, and ones I want to finish, and while my friends were telling me to put my own feelings first and just leave the MEPs, I never could. Well, now I have to.

Last week I was downloading the last movies I needed for a HUGE multiship video I’m doing for a friend (who’s also been waiting ages for this and I am so thankful for her patience) and while I was away from my laptop my drive holding all of my movies decided to crash. I plugged it back in and it popped up after about ten minutes of it being so frozen that even my laptop was freaking out, and it appeared to be fine, until I tried to play a video. It disappeared from my computer list and the drive itself started to make a horrid clicking noise, and after a second of panic I unplugged the drive and checked the internet for an answer on my phone seeing as my laptop was also acting very very bad. 

Naturally, the sound was even worse than I’d expected. According to the internet, it could mean there’s a piece inside the drive that’s out of place, and the clicking was it possibly ruining my data. That, or the drive is already dead. It’s been unplugged since then and tonight I was able to bring it in to get it sent off just like the last time my drive broke. This time, instead of just agreeing on the expensive price and sending it off, the woman behind the counter told me she can’t do a thing with it until I bring in a receipt for the drive. That, and $1600. Then it’d be sent off to I’m guessing Toronto to get checked out, where there’s a chance that my data couldn’t even be recovered.

That was the last screenshot I took (back in January so there were tons more now) of how many movies I had and how much space I had left to show my friends when I told them I really had no more room. That’s just the movies, which I’ve bee collecting for a decade with almost all of my animation ones being in 1080p, with some rarer ones being my greatest pride of them all after years of searching. The rest of the stuff on that drive was my documents, including plans for videos and all my stories that I’ve been writing but not posting since gradeschool, all my pictures including ones of friends I no longer talk to, family, a lot of fanart I’ve collected, and gifts, all my music which is mostly on my laptop but there’s a good amount I deleted off here to make space, all of my downloads including my sister’s old videos that not even she has anymore, more gifts from friends that are no longer available online at all, videos I love and have been watching since 2006, and all my own videos that I’ve made since then as well. I have the vegas and AE files themselves on another drive to free up room and get it all in the same place, but my videos themselves I may’ve just lost. Completed ones, incomplete ones, random ones I made for myself, some animation projects I did for school, all the bits and pieces of old manips for really old projects, all of that might be gone now and after leaving the store knowing that it could be gone for good even if I had the money to send the drive off I spent the next hour or so crying alone in the car because of how frustrated I was.

I’ve heard the old ‘sometimes these things just happen, gotta move on’ spiel, I’ve heard it a lot over a ton of different subjects. But this was my past, 12 years of it, all collected into one place. If this stuff is gone I’ve lost so much that I’ve personally created and found joy in doing so, and I’ll never be able to recreate it or get it back. I find it impossible to just ‘move on’ from something like that, and it’s tearing at me so hard that I can feel my chest physically hurting.

So, now that this has happened, I’ve officially lost my inspiration. I’m taking a long break from editing now that I’ve lost so much of my material, and almost all of my non/disney collection, and will be withdrawing myself from most of the projects I’m in sans a few, which I will list in a bit. I have a mobile backup downstairs where I can get a good deal back, but most of those files are old and I don’t have the money or space to get a brand new drive to copy it onto and start my movies collection over again, nor do I have the energy. I have around 100 of those 753+ movies on my editing drive, and I still have all my shows, but that doesn’t really help a non/disney editor much if all she has is anime. 

I was hoping to open up my first rp contest this summer, so I could become more active with the community and make up for how little I participated in TTWU; I wanted so badly to be apart of the group, but I felt I didn’t deserve to speak to such awesome and talented people when I couldn’t give it my all, so I disappeared just like Jim and tried to let myself be forgotten. I wanted to make up for that with this new rp, and make more friends, but this had to hit me right as I was finalizing the details and now I just don’t have the energy to even think of starting it.

Things I’m leaving, I’ll message the hosts:

Girls Like Girls - Belle and Anya (halfway done, no masking)

Game of Survival - Helga and Tarzan (never started, lost inspiration)

Unhealthy Relationship - Gothel and Bernard (really lost inspiration)

Hit Me Baby - Tulio and Belle ft Louie and Jane (never started, unsure of deadline?)

Meteor Shower - Elsa and Peri (really wanted to do but never started)

Over the Sea - Jane and Pocahontas (cancelled I think?)

Body Electric x Control - JD and Rapunzel (never started, lost Heathers)

I Took a Pill in Ibiza - Hollina (never started)

Young Love - Miguel and Sinbad (never started)

Things I’m finishing (if the hosts still let me):

The Heart Wants What it Wants - Ariel and Lottie ft Eric (halfway done, no masking) 

Perfect Ruin - Aurora, Tulio, and Jim (almost done, haven’t lost anything) 

Gasavages - Phoebus and Dimitri/Peter (still fixing up to personal perfection) 

Gasavages - Mulan and Esmeralda (never started) 

Dirty Dancer - Felicie and Camille (halfway done, lost inspiration) 

Ghost Lights - Jane and Mulan ft Eris (gunna talk to host about it) 

Personal projects I need to finish:

That multiship video (only lost those final movies, have lower quality ones on mobile drive just in case, everything else is on editing drive)

All my collabs are on hold unless the other person wants to just cancel them considering what happened, granted I only have collabs with two people but still

All my requests are still written down and are doable but now I have to rely on what I have left and screenshot sites so that unnecessarily complicates making them

All my MEPs have no deadlines now seeing as I have parts in all of them and I’m obviously not going to be finishing them anytime soon, either way the deadlines all passed last year so it’s not like setting new deadlines will matter right now. I feel so bad about having to walk off of so many considering they’ve waited so long for me, but I don’t want to lie to anyone any longer and keep them waiting on me. I never wanted to be so unreliable but I ended up being a real shithead when it came to deadlines, so maybe I deserve this as karma. Either way, this blog probably won’t have many additions to it in the near future unless a miracle happens and I get my drive fixed, but I won’t be holding my breath. Maybe now I’ll get the chance to work more with Teen Titans again and do some anime videos, but that’ll only be after this sadness wears off.

[silver-wield]

Eldarya Bullying

I don’t usually do serious issues, but since this has been happening to me more and more lately, I figured I’d try and address it for shits and giggles (can you tell I don’t do this type of stuff?).

Bit of history to start?

Online bullying started out as vicious comments and personal remarks directed at one person by a group of people to make that person feel worthless and without value to society. The comments would be by people they knew in person and would mainly focus on things like their physical appearance or intelligence, their home life or personal habits.

With the rise of online forums and games the style of bullying began to change, simply because bullies needed a way to get around the rules put in place by those games and forums to prevent themselves being reprimanded for their actions. They were no longer able to sit behind their computer screen and call someone fat or ugly without getting their comuppance. They also became more distant to the person they were bullying, being total strangers to them and not someone they actually knew. Instead they began to employ more passive agressive methods to get results, making underhand comments that would apply to the victim in such a way that a passing reader wouldn’t think any bullying was taking place, but the reaction from the victim was such that they were told they were overreacting, further enforcing the bullying behaviour, or that they were the bully for not reacting in a negative way to the comment, which appeared harmless.

Now to why I’m even bringing this up and how it relates to me.

Anyone who knows me on Eldarya is going to be aware that I don’t subscribe to the typical way of commenting on subjects, that is so spineless and sickly sweet that it’s the human equivalent of talking to your dog in a baby voice. 

Anyone who doesn’t know me on Eldarya, well, the above comment should tell you more than enough about how I go about commenting; I don’t mince my words and never have. I find it insulting to people to not speak to them as though they are adults, fully capable of holding a conversation and/or discussion/disagreement/debate on multiple subjects without throwing their toys out the pram and acting like they’re actually two year olds who happen to have got control of the computer.

Apparently, I’m an idiot for thinking this.

A few months ago I was mass hounded off the website by several people, who took it upon themselves to berate me every time I commented in a thread that wasn’t one of the ones I had requested be opened, my guard’s thread or the two fan fict threads I use. To put it in perspective, there are 1400 + topics on Eldarya across 9 player active sections -- I’m not including the admin ones or foreign language ones naturally -- and, as a player, I only use 2 of those sections. Of the threads I previously managed there were 5, so add that to the 3 other threads I was “safe” in and I was permitted to post in a total of 8 threads on Eldarya. Any other thread -- and I do mean any other thread -- I was either willfully ignored by every player posting -- unless they happened to be a friend of mine -- or I was ganged up on for not wording my comments in a way that was as pleasant to them as they wanted it to be. 

By gang I mean 10+ people all posting one after the other either disagreeing with my comment, the way I worded it or the way I responded to a reply, until it got to a point where they were able to act as “good guys/sjws/forum heroes” by stepping in and “mediating” the situation their group had caused and effectively placing blame squarely on me, which I would obviously disagree with, since I hadn’t actually done anything except comment on a topic. At this point a moderator would step in and “break up the fight” and I would get a private message reminding me that my tone isn’t acceptable and my behaviour isn’t acceptable and I was antagonizing other people and they were afraid of me and how I reacted to them.

They’re afraid of me. I have honestly never heard of anything so pathetic in my entire life. A general comment that other people decide isn’t to their liking, so they tell me off, but they’re afraid of me and I should watch myself because of it. Yes, that makes total sense and I should be very sorry for making all of these innocent children scared of big, bad me. Or, they’re just saying that shit because all of those comments get noted by the moderators, which then forms a portfolio of how they then treat those players when they come across them in the forum in future.

To add insult to injury, these people then began hounding me in the threads I had control over, so it became such that I couldn’t post in my own topics. Since they were mine, I did engage with those people and informed them they had no business telling me what to do. Cue moderator intervention, which resulted in me being reminded again that I had no right to comment the way I did. In my own threads. The people who reprimanded me had no such message sent to them.

This was when I decided I didn’t have to deal with this kind of shit and left the forum for a time. 

When I returned, hoping I would be able to be like every other player and just post my comments on topics without being told I was being “offensive” because I didn’t cover my words in toffee and rainbow glitter, I became aware of repeat behavior by a group of 6+ people who actively went out of their way to antagonise me in hopes of getting rid of me permanently. These people have made deliberate efforts against me, posting insults, rude comments, passive aggressive statements to encourage the moderators to reprimand me and also disgusting gifs, also blatant lies about me and yet not one of them has ever been fully reprimanded on their behaviour or told that their actions are bullying and contravene the tos that all players sign up to. (Guess how many times I’ve been told my comments go against the tos because someone messaged a moderator to say they were offended by my general comment?)

Surely, you think, the correct thing to do is to inform the moderators and beemoov staff of what’s happening? Well, I did. The moderators are only temporary, so can’t really do anything besides tell people to mind their tone and refer them to the admin. I was also advised to stick to places where I didn’t get aggravation from people who didn’t like my comments, hence my activity on the site going from any section where I found something interesting, to 3 threads. That was their solution to people harassing me, that I should stop posting so much on the forum because they were the many and I was only one person. Obviously a hate group would be able to send more messages about someone than one person saying they’re being bullied by multiple people. I’m not the best at math, but that’s pretty obvious, even to me.

So, the sum total of my available places to post on Eldarya is now 3 threads: the Obsidian guard, the Tomes of Obsidian and In the In-Between. If I post anywhere else I get “reminded” by people that I’m not welcome in their threads. I’ve had people message me to “invite me not to post” in their threads because I make people feel “uncomfortable.” People don’t know what I’m going to say and they avoid posting because what if they say something that I disagree with? I should stick to places where I’m welcome.

Yes, I said “disagree”. I don’t go into threads looking for things to argue about or belittle. The worst thing I’ve ever said about something is “this makes no sense.” For that I was told by a moderator not to use those words because “they’re offensive”. 

I shit you not.

I’ve had people inform me that posts that have nothing to do with them are being reported because they don’t like it and they find my tone to be “unacceptable to the happy atmosphere of Eldarya.” 

To sum this up for you: Can’t post anywhere but 3 threads, get told my comments make people uncomfortable and I should stay in my 3 threads, if I disagree with something I’m offending people, telling someone things don’t make sense is “offensive”, my tone isn’t “happy” enough for their liking, there’s a hate group actively trying to get me banned permanently from the site to “save it from me.”

If you don’t think this is bullying then you need to look up the definition.

If Beemoov thinks it’s ok for a player to be treated this way simply because they don’t happen to fit their perfect ideal of what a player of one of their games is then they need to take more customer service seminars than I originally thought they did. 

You might be asking what I’ve done about this; why haven’t I changed the way I post to make myself more socially acceptable to everyone on the site? Why the fuck should I? Are you not allowed to be yourself? Why am I not allowed to be myself because it’s not quite what you think someone should be like? I am on Eldarya exactly how I am irl and I’m not going to pretend to be something I’m not. The way I post on Eldarya is the way I talk. I do laugh in the middle of sentences; it’s called a nervous tick and it happens because I’m naturally anxious that the things I say aren’t going to be well recieved. Hmm, funny that. I say it anyway because it’s what I think. I do rely heavily on contractions and slang, but don’t we all? As for the lack of spelling, punctuation and grammar, well, you can see I do actually know how to use them. It’s something I cultivated on purpose to stop me being such a grammar nazi over what’s nothing more important than basic conversation. People speaking in a relaxed atmosphere to each other shouldn’t be told that they can’t use a comma where they’ve put it, or that they’ve used the wrong type of “your”. (Bonus bullying comment: I’ve been told that people would love to “go grammar nazi on my ass” for the way I type on the forum, assuming that I don’t know how to properly spell and use the English language. As for me, I only get picky in stories because they’re stories, they’re supposed to have proper structure). Back to my point; I am who I am and I shouldn’t have to change that to be “allowed” to post on a public forum without being told I’m offending people and that they’re afraid of what I might say to them.

Might. 

In threads on subjects that I have little to no interest in.

So the potential of me commenting also results in me being told that I am not welcome on the forum.

Seriously, if that’s not bullying then I think I need to look the definition up again, too.

And I know I’m not the only one, because for as many people who don’t like the way I comment and feel I shouldn’t be around and that they don’t like me “ruining their forum”, I have also gotten just as many messages from like-minded players who feel they can’t comment on things because they get ganged up on for not sugar-coating their words.

It’s a public forum. None of us own it. We all have a right to express our opinions on subjects and content posted on there. If someone says things in a way that another person doesn’t like that doesn’t mean that person is being offensive or rude, it means they didn’t use words you find acceptable to your personal rhetoric. They are not then worthy of being bullied because you feel like you’re doing a civic duty by removing this person who doesn’t talk the way you do.

We are all different and should be able to express our different opinions and views in a way that we are comfortable with. We should also be able to take those different views and opinions and ways of speaking without assuming they’re offensive just because they’re not how you would say it.

To conclude: 

I mentioned at the start that I took a break from Eldarya after being bullied for doing nothing more sinister than disagreeing with people and questioning things, like people do.

After learning there’s a hate group purposely trying to evict me from their precious site, with no one making any moves to stop them, I’ve decided they can have it; it’s poisoned.

Some of you may disagree with that view point and that’s fine. Some of you may be singing and dancing about my, now permanent, absence. I’d link you the song from Wizard of Oz, but I’m sure you’re all big enough to find it yourselves, or not as the case may be.

[limbokid]

Kenny and Bebe for the domestic ship memes 🖤

(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ @sugarbebe​ ♥ sent an ask meme!! || status: accepting. 

SEND ME A SHIP AND I WILL TELL YOU: 

( THIS POST IS FUCKING LONG, I’M SORRY )

—who’s more dominant: I think they’re almost equally ranked on this, though since Kenny has much more patience than Bebe does, I believe he would be more passive about things than she would. Unless he’s sees something as unfair/unjust, he could be pretty assertive and confrontational so in a sense pretty dominant. But openly Bebe would be the more dominant of the two.

—who’s the cuddler: They’re both affectionate but I think Kenny would be more of the clinger here. He primarily uses affection to show his love. When it comes down to it though, he’s more physical than he is verbal. Bebe likes being showered with attention and affection from what I know, so i think this works out well for the both of them.

—who’s the big spoon/little spoon: Haha, honestly when these two come together their actions/choices are usually different from traditional standards. I'm pretty sure even though Kenny’s like SIX inches taller than Bebe, she would probably big spoon him. Often. He also lowkey prefers being held.

—what’s their favorite non-sexual activity: I think they would enjoy simple activities that would allow them to communicate without feeling claustrophobic. Something like, exploring areas they’ve never been before; slow walks in natural environments; the cliche car on hilltop- listening to music. They would probably take a lot of pictures together or of each other making stupid faces or just plainly goofing off. I’m sure they occasionally do movie marathons in their spare time. I also think they would enjoy a fair share of aggressive activities, as they’re each competitive in their own right. It could be anything from a Karaoke Duet to Laser Tagging, Ice Skating to out doing each other in Carnival games. Basically two extremes, really chill or no chill.

—who uses all the hot water: Kenny’s used to his water heater malfunctioning. He’s showered in cold water hundreds of times, I don’t think it would faze him much anymore. So. Bebe, no doubt about it.

—Most trivial thing they fight over: If it’s a domestic issue?? Taxes..?? I’m not sure tbh?? Maybe, messiness?? Kenny has a habit of never putting things back in their rightful places. That might start an argument?? IDK???

On the other hand, if it’s a relationship issue, I believe it would be absence and or lack of trust from either party. There’s something about loving someone tremendously and then having them leave you with nothing but a letter; never seeing them for another fifteen years -COUGH- that could potentially fuck with someone’s psyche y’know?? ALTHOUGH, when someone you love is in constant danger, and frequently disappears for days to weeks, without any explanation that’s also pretty fucking shady LOL. The reasons are valid at least..!!

—who does most of the cleaning: Aha, I think we’ve discussed this HC before, huehue. They’re pretty equal here. They sometimes team up and purge the entire fucking house together. 

—what has a season pass on their dvr/Who controls the netflix queue: LMAO, “DVR.” MY MUSE IS TRIGGERED. Anyway, I think Bebe controls the Netflix queue ( or y’know.. Cordelia probably hogs up the whole fUckin account ) since Kenny doesn’t really care. He just wants to spend time with her when he can. Possibly cuddle, possibly bang, possibly O.D on leftovers. -Unless they promised to binge a specific show together. THEN “BRING THE POPCORN AND SCOOT OVER BITCH, LET’S FUCKIN’ DO THIS.”

—who calls up the super/landlord when the heat’s not working: Hmm.. I not sure. I have a feeling that Bebe couldn’t be fucking bothered to talk to the landlord. Honestly, she probably hates them haha. Either she’s best friends with the landlord or YEET. In short, it would  T R I G G E R  Kenny, but I think he would do it.

—who leaves their stuff around: Hahahahahaha. Kenny. Maybe even Bebe?? I still think Ken would win this round by a LOT. Back home, his room would stay messy for months, until sooner or later he had a SUDDEN urge to clean it all up. He was really good with laundry though!! At least.. after he ran out of it. Washing everyone’s laundry was actually one of his many  chores. Unless their washer broke down, which it would.. constantly. If this occurred the whole family would just collect their piles of laundry, and take it to the public Laundromat together. He’s just used to being messy- and then… tidy.

—who remembers to buy the milk: Probably Bebe. Kenny never… really.. got to buy groceries.. so.. In all seriousness, groceries weren’t a part of his chores, so he never made it a habit to apply this rule to his regimen. No matter who he lives with. He’s just used to missing a meal, so he doesn’t worry about it.

—who remembers anniversaries:  Both!! Even though Bebe sometimes acts like a t’sundere, she totally loves romance. And luckily, Kenny is the type to pay attention to things that matter to his S/O’s. I think they’re both romantic’s and know how to woo each other well. So all that’s left is WHO SAYS “happy anniversary!!” FIRST.

—who cooks normally: Well, Kenny passed Home Ec with flying colors, and he’s actually a decent cook so. I suppose Ken would?? I can remember if Bebe was bad at cooking or not, but i think she tries anyway. Which Kenny finds extremely adorable, whether she fails or not.

—how often do they fight: I honestly don’t think they fight unless the problem is UNAVOIDABLE. I think they both kind of don’t mention anything until it get’s really bad. Like “well shit. you almost died, i think this might be a sign…”

—what do they do when they’re away from each other: I think they’re either working or indulging in their favorite hobbies. There’s also that whole concept called a social life, friends and shit. Crazy, I know!! It’s so weird how their entire existence doesn’t revolve around each other and that they haven’t surgically SEWN THEMSELVES TOGETHER. They’re such a strange & quirky couple!!!!

—nicknames for each other: UM. -SWEATS- HA, HAHAHAHAHa. HAHAHAHAHA. ( inside jokes are gr8 )

—who is more likely to pay for dinner: Kenny would try to pull that chivalry shit, because my boi is a gentleman, but if Bebe wants to be an independent  woman who doesn’t need some hobo’s money, then Ken won’t fight it. He likes being pampered anyway.

—who steals the covers at night: Kenny is a pretty calm sleeper. He doesn’t move much, and he doesn’t really snore either. He does get hot easily, and he sometimes has recurring nightmares, he’s also a light sleeper but that’s about it. I think bebe wins this round. Ken wouldn’t mind this though, he would probably pull her in and big spoon her cocoon fortress.  

—what would they get each other for gifts: Ummmmmmmmm. I think Bebe would notice how he’s constantly tense and probably book a spa day for him. He’s never been to a spa, so I can imagine him being very uncomfortable at first but then ADORING it afterward. Kenny on the other hand would put on a costume from a her favorite movie character and make up their home to look like her favorite scene and play out her fantasies, no questions asked. “oh, you like drama bebe?? i’ll give fucking give you drama.” ( the movie could be about WW3 and HE STILL WOULDn’T GIVE A FUCk. “this is a little weird but sure babe i’ll cosplay hitler.” )

 —who kissed who first: According to our HC’s… We never decided.. Though, my gut is telling me that the first kiss was mutual. Mostly cause’ YOU KNOW HOW MY BOi FEELS ABOUT CONSENT. Unless they were shitfaced. Then my gut is probably wrong HAHA. Yeeeah, I’m gonna hit you up after this..

—who made the first move: Honestly Ken is a naturally flirtatious person, I think he probably made a move waaay into the friendship stage, but since it’s usually his default, Bebe probably didn’t even notice it. HAHAHA RIP.

—who remembers things: NO ONE. IT’S CANON AND MY MUSE IS FUCKING  T R I G G E R E D. Nah but, I think Bebe is probably that chick that has a really aesthetic planner with color coordination and everything, that she never really bothers to fill out and she just owns it and leaves it on her desk to feel proficient LOL. I’m just gonna give this one to the both of them. I think they can both be responsible when it’s needed. But of course, everyone has their mishaps.

—who started the relationship: I wanna say BEBE SO BAD. Things would be so much more IRONIC and hilarious.

—who cusses more: Probably Kenny, he’s got a SAILORS mouth yo. He’s not embarrassingly bad.. He knows when and where it’s the right time to say stupid shit. Usually..

—what would they do if the other one was hurt: Drop EVERYTHING. It doesn’t matter what they’re doing. I think they would be at each other’s side as soon as possible. They would heal each other, mentally and physically. Whether they’re in a romantic relationship or not. I believe that they care about each other immensely  

—who is the dirty talker: As I’ve said before Kenny’s more physical than verbal. He is a sexual person, but he’s MUCH more LUSTFUL if he loves/cares for the person. I think Bebe would probably take the cake here. Whether or not she does indulge in dirty talk. He really only does it upon request. ALTHOUGH…. If you get him drunk, there are no limits, he’ll say things that would drop Bebe from 1st to 10th place.

—a head canon: They text each other sweet, positive and fluffy messages when they’re away from each other. Just in case the other is having a really bad day.

[neverisalongtime-ja-blog]

Chapter 36: The video

I’m so so sorry for not posting yesterday. The amount of work I had was insane! But here it is: Chapter 36!

I wanna let you all know that I’m gonna be traveling next week so is very possible that I wont post next week. Sorry for that! I’ll still active on Instagram, tho. 

Hope you all enjoy this chapter ‘cuz I loved it!

Remember to check Anastasia’s Instagram that is on fire:

Anastasia_Truman  ❤️️

Thanks to everyone who reads the fic, much love to you all! ♥

That Thursday she woke up early and full of energy, she was living a dream. She asked Mandy to come with her but the pink haired girl preferred to stay in Los Angeles with Peyton, An understood her and didn’t get mad about it; at least Mark was going to make her company and he was taking Stephanie with him. She was nervous, she didn’t know why, she had met some of the greatest names in music before: Bowie used to read with her when she was little, McCartney was always there on Christmas at her father’s house to party, even Elton John says she is his niece, but this was different, she was going to meet her lifetime crush.

-          This is weird! – She said to Mark at the lobby of the Palms Hotel in Las Vegas – A hotel room just for me… Alone!

-          You have been in hotel rooms alone before – Mark said to her taking the elevator.

-          Not in the last year – She answered – I stayed with either Mandy or Josh, never alone.

-          How is the Josh thing going? – Stephanie had to ask.

-          He is in Los Angeles with his girlfriend and I’m here to meet my longtime crush and to get drunk with you – She said clapping hands with Stephanie.

-          I don’t agree with the last part – Mark said as the elevator doors opened at their floor. The penthouse – You have two hours to get ready and then we’ll meet at Nove for dinner with Richard.

-          Thank God I packed my good dresses.

An could see the entire city from her room, it was almost nighttime and the lights from the casinos and hotels were starting to shine. Las Vegas was an amazing city; it was an escape for her and her LA friends when they were in high school. She had a bath, put on a short black deep neckline loose dress with a dark blue velvet bralette underneath and killer black stiletto heels (with red soles, of course). She met Mark and Steph, who was glowing in a silver long sleeve dress, and took the elevator together to the restaurant. Nove was located at the top of the Fantasy Tower in the hotel and it mainly served Italian food. They walked into the fine decoration and to a table, next to a giant picture window where they had a panoramic view of Las Vegas. There was Richard Austin, looking as dapper as he could with a pair of black skinny jeans, a black t-shirt and a leather jacket, his hair was combed back and his brown eyes were shining with the help of the restaurant’s lighting.  He got up from his chair to receive them.

-          Hey! – He said stretching Mark’s hand – I’m glad you all made it!

-          Yes. We’d never say no to a trip to Vegas – Mark said  – This is my fiancée Stephanie – He introduce her with such pride – And this is my little sis, Anastasia – She was shaking.

-          Not so little! – Richard said laughing but then he took An’s right hand and kissed it. She automatically blushed – Let’s take a seat – He moved a chair so Anastasia could take it, such a gentleman. Better for her she got to sit next to him. She was in heaven – I already ordered a bottle of wine so I hope there’s no problem with it.

-          I never have problems with wine – Anastasia said and Richard smiled but her brother gave her a hard look. She and Stephanie laughed.

They talked about any topic one can possibly imagine and Anastasia realize that Richard’s cockiness was just a stage thing, he wasn’t like that at all in real life; he was nice and sweet and had this manly man portrait perfect for his 36 years of age. Something Josh didn’t have, he still looked like he was 25 in her eyes.

-          We went to Italy last year with the tour and I swear you can’t find pasta like the one you find there but I have to say that this is so close! – Anastasia said talking about the Amatriciana pasta she was eating at the moment.

-          I have to agree – Richard said – Where in Italy?

-          We went to Turin and Bologna, beautiful places, not so great to play… at least for us – She said after sipping from her wine glass.

-          Why? – Richard wanted to know.

-          We didn’t connect with the audience there – She answered.

-          So, we’re here for business – Mark said breaking the spell of the conversation between Anastasia and Richard.

-          Right! The video! – Richard said – I’m so glad that you had the time to do this because I’ve been following your career and when I saw you on Mark’s Instagram I knew I had to have you on this. The song is a satire of being this extremely confident rock star but the video story is about two hotel workers that enter one of the rooms and rob the guests while they are out. The thing is that you’re going to be singing in the video and going to be like the master planner of everything, I’m just there to help you. But we are going to be a couple and I must warn you that there may be a kiss… or two – Her mind was about to explode, she would get to kiss the guy of her dreams? Life was perfect.

-          I must warn you that I’m a terrible actress – She said to him.

-          You are not. I’ve seen your videos – She felt ashamed that he saw her in Dead Curse’s videos – I’m a diehard Dead Curse fan.

-          No, you are not! You’re just saying that! – She laughed.

-          I am! Ask your brother – Richard said pointing to Mark.

-          All he did in the studio was saying how much he liked your voice and the way you wrote your songs and how magnificent everyone sounded in that band.

-          You guys are a work of art – Richard said.

After dinner, Richard excused himself to go home and have some sleep since they were going to start shooting early the next day. Mark was tired too but Stephanie and Anastasia decided to stay a little bit longer at the bar.

-          Let me see that ring! – Mark gave Stephanie a Claddagh ring; it was an Irish tradition since her family was from Ireland. The ring was silver and had two hands holding a diamond in the shape of a heart. Claddagh rings had lots of meanings but wearing it with the point of the heart towards the fingertip on the left hand meant engagement.

-          Oh God! He thinks about every freaking little detail!

-          It was perfect! – Stephanie said.

-          I wanna hear everything about it – Anastasia said to her smiling wide.

-          Not only did I meet U2, which is my favorite band in the universe, but he proposed to me while they were performing “Where the Streets Have No Name”, which is my favorite song from The Joshua Tree – little did Steph know it was all Anastasia’s idea – They played the record in order so “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” followed and I swear I could have died in that moment and I’d be gone happily.

-          Now we have a wedding to plan!

-          I have no idea what I want – Steph said drinking champagne.

-          We’ll figure it out – Anastasia said to her. Barbara is perfect for those things, ask her for help!

-          She was over the moon with the news! – Stephanie talked again.

-          Because we all love you so much, sweetie!

-          What about you? This guy was flirting with you blatantly!

-          No, he wasn’t! – Anastasia laughed.

-          He was! Believe me; I know it when I see it.

-          Should I tell him that I used to have his face plastered on my bedroom wall when I was sixteen?

-          Oh my God! No! – Stephanie was laughing hard.

-          You don’t know where that may lead me! – Anastasia was laughing too. In that moment she received a message on her phone, she looked at the screen and saw it was from Josh, “What are you doing? I miss you”. She didn’t reply. She hadn’t told him that she’d be going to Vegas for the weekend, it didn’t matter because he was with Lauren.

-          Is it Josh? – Stephanie asked and Anastasia nodded – Forget about him - The girls got up to pay for their drinks and started to walk to take the elevator back to the floor where their rooms were located - Try luck with Richard! – Anastasia laughed hard.

-          Richard is married and has two kids and that’s a territory I won’t enter – Anastasia said entering the elevator.

-          He is not! He got divorced when they started to record, actually many songs on the album are about that.

-          Didn’t know that! – A smile appeared on Anastasia’s face – Do you think I have a chance with him? – Anastasia said while walking to the hallway.

-          Look at you! You have a chance with any guy you want!

-          Do you realize I use to have wet dreams about him when I was younger?

-          Even better, you know what to expect!

-          Shut up! You sound like Mandy – She was laughing hard – I’m going to sleep. I have a video to film tomorrow – She hugged Stephanie in front of the door of the room she shared with Mark – I love you!

-          Love you too! See you tomorrow!

She entered her room, changed into her pajamas, removed her makeup, put on a face mask and grabbed her phone to read Josh’s messages again, she thought if it was a good idea to reply to him, it was midnight but she was sure he was awake so she decided to text him.

An: Sorry for the delay. I’ve been busy. I’m in Vegas for the weekend, working on some stuff – She sent it.

Josh: Wow! Vegas? You didn’t tell me anything – He answered back, she couldn’t tell if he was angry or not.

An: Sorry, it was a last minute thing – Why did he care? He was with Lauren, she thought.

Josh: Fun stuff?

An: I’m filming a video for a band.

Josh: Which band? – He always had to ask everything.

An: The Genius Sex Poets, they’ve been my favorite band since I was 16, so this is like a dream come true.

Josh: That’s a very stupid name for a band – She knew he was laughing even if she couldn’t see him – Where did they get that from?

An: From The Killers’ video “Mr. Brightside”, that’s the name of the fictional band on it.

Josh: I’m not a fan of The Killers, at all – He was being arrogant.

An: I love them! They also got their name from a fictional band on a New Order video.

Josh: The battle of the fictional band names. I’m stuck in the Joy Division era.

An: Not everyone has the luck of having a drummer with a grandmother called Dorothy – She said it because that’s the story behind Dot Hacker’s name.

Josh: He is your drummer too!

An: I like my band’s name better.

Josh: You know? I thought Fleetwood Mac was your favorite band.

An: Well, you have lots of favorite bands too, but this is different, I’ve had a platonic crush on Richard the lead singer FOR YEARS.

Josh: Mm… ok – He was definitely mad now – When are you coming back?

An: Is Lauren gone? – She had to ask. She didn’t expect him to text her while she was there.

Josh: No, but I miss you even with her next to me.

An: You know that’s fucking confusing, huh?

Josh: Yes, I am aware of that…

An: I’ll be back on Sunday, probably. If the filming doesn’t extend.

Josh: Good to know!

An: I’m going to sleep since we start shooting tomorrow early.

Josh: Dream of me. Love you – Anastasia felt that message so awkward she didn’t even smiled.

An: Love you too.

 Next day she woke up early, tired and angry thanks to last night conversation with Josh. She didn’t expect him to write to her while Lauren was in town, she actually didn’t want him to do it. She didn’t want to think about it, to think about him. Above all that she was happy, it had been a glorious night: meeting Richard Austin, her platonic love and thinking about him asking her to be on his band’s video, it was a dream come true.

She put on a pair of jeans and a Red Hot Chili Peppers t-shirt, she had tons of them after the tour, this one was white with the logo in red and black. She paired the outfit with black vans and she hit the road. They were filming in the same hotel so Mark led her to a room in the third floor where the production was being held. She saw Richard and he hugged her like they’d known each other for years (she was shaking), then he introduced her to the rest of the band. She had seen them live so many times before but never got the chance to actually meet them, she never idolized anyone but this was a big moment in her life. |Then it was time to meet the director, a friend of Richard’s. He explained the story to her: she was going to be a cleaning girl from the hotel and Richard was going to be working at the reception. After spotting a rich couple that was staying there, they decided to rob them. Anastasia’s character was going to be in charge of the operation and she was going to be singing like it was her song. She was excited and agreed with everything. It was then time to start and the first step was hair and makeup.

-          We were thinking about changing the color of your hair but we wanted to consult it with you first – The director told her – We have a couple of wigs – He pointed to a corner when they had a caramel wig, a blond one and a red one. She chose the red one as soon as she saw it.

-          I had red hair once, years ago – Anastasia said.

-          I would have liked to meet you then – Richard said smiling. And she blushed. “What is wrong?” She thought. She didn’t use to blush that often.

A hair dresser put her wig on and a makeup artist did magic on her face and after wearing a cleaning service uniform she was ready to film. She had time to hear the song on repeat while she was getting ready so now she knew it as if she’d written it herself.  

First day of shooting went great. An and Richard were having great chemistry, which got more intense next day when they had to film in one of the hotel rooms, where they were stealing the jewelry and cash from the “rich couple.” On the script she would get to try on one of the wife’s gowns, a beautiful green dress that contrasted heavenly - or more like devilishly - with the red hair. Of course she took a million pictures and selfies during breaks.

In that part of the video they had to dance and enjoy the clothes and things from the guests they were stealing. Anastasia had to try on Swarovski necklaces and diamond earrings and she was in heaven. They had a bunch of fake cash and she kept throwing it to Richard, they were having fun until a part of the video where he hugged her after a dance and he put his face close to hers, it was pure tension, she looked into his eyes and he looked back into her big, turquoise eyes and almost, almost kissed her but the director yelled “Cut!” breaking the spell.

-          Thank you so much for doing this – Richard said after shooting was done.

-          You don’t have to thank me, I had so much fun doing it! – She had so much fun two days had gone by without her thinking about Josh.

-          I think I’m going to hit the ‘Ghostbar’ at the Ivory Tower – Richard said looking at her straight – Would you like to join me?

-          Yes! – She said without even thinking about it. Mark and Stephanie were enjoying the city so she didn’t have to worry about them.

The Ghostbar was a beautiful place, extravagant and fancy just like every other place in Las Vegas. They got a spot at the actual bar, Richard ordered a Margarita for her and a beer for himself. She liked that, him taking charge. But she didn’t know why.

-          Mark told me you guys where touring right now – Richard said.

-          Yes! We’re opening for the Red Hot Chili Peppers – She said.

-          That’s why you’re wearing that tee shirt? – She laughed and realized she wasn’t properly dressed for such a fancy place like that.

-          I have a ton now! Nah, but I’m a fan, I love them.

-          They must be fun people to tour with.

-          I thought they were going to be wilder – Anastasia had a drink from her Margarita glass, it tasted like heaven – They are all fathers now and are into this natural vibe. I was expecting Flea running naked around at every venue – He laughed.

-          I like the Peppers! Haven’t seen them live in a while though. You guys are going to play Glastonbury soon, right?

-          That’s a dream come true…

-          We played there a couple of times before and there’s not a better crowd in the entire world.

-          I know, I’ve seen you guys in Glasto a bunch of times.

-          Oh, are you a fan? – He laughed after drinking some beer.

-          The biggest! I used to have your face plastered on my bedroom wall when I was sixteen – She stopped – And I can’t believe I just told you that – Richard started laughing hard – Not in a creepy way, though!

-          That’s awesome – Richard was still laughing – I would like to say the same but you weren’t around when I was a teenager. I would love to have that beautiful face on my wall without a doubt – She couldn’t help but smile.

-          Thank you – She drank more of her cocktail.

Being with Richard was so easy. They talked about everything; even his divorce and about how hard it was to have a real relationship being a musician, even harder with somebody that’s not in the same business. He had been separated from his ex-wife for almost a year, and was the father of a boy. An told him that she knew people that managed to have successful relationships being in this industry (Eric, Mandy and even Mark) but she totally understood him because for her father it had been a hard issue all of his life; even though it had something to do with the fact that her father was a fucking man-whore sometimes.

They connected, and connected well. At the end of the night he thanked her again kissing her hand and they even exchanged numbers.

She came back to her room with a big smile on her face. It wasn’t about love; it was about having a great time with an amazing person. She was happy and on top of all she was calm and Josh didn’t appear in her mind – or her phone – for the rest of Vegas trip.

That Sunday she managed to have an amazing shopping spree with Stephanie in some of the most exclusive stores in Sin City. After that, Mark joined them for a late lunch, and that night they flew back to Los Angeles. Once at home she received a text: “Hope you made it home safe, thanks for joining me and everyone this weekend”, it was from Richard and she just stood there, in her kitchen, smiling like an idiot.

Read chapter 37