#it’s not the kind of place where I’d feel safe telling people I’m autistic either

[just-a-cinnamon-bun]

Nothing like a bad night at work that really remind me that I am, in fact, disabled.

[asexual-abomination]

Plat!Yan!Chrollo x Autistic!Reader x Plat!Yan!PT - Soulmate AU Part 5

The final part is finally here! It did manage to delete itself a couple of times, but I was finally able to recover it! I really hope you can enjoy this end to the series!

As always, this idea was inspired by the lovely @kiame-sama! I have no traditional education in writing, so any and all advice is appreciated!

Requests will be opening shortly after this goes up, I'm just writing up some final rules!

Hope you enjoy reading!

-----

Night had fallen over the city by the time you were left alone.

You could feel your heart pounding through your body, scared beyond reason by the insane situation you found yourself in.

It seemed to have become a theme in the past few days, carefully setting forth a plan only to be thrown into some absolute catastrophe.

Over the course of the day, you had been dragged around to many random people, security workers and police officers all asking you questions and getting irate when you couldn't tell them everything. Some of them had tried to be kinder to you, speaking in lower tones and going slower, but they were all showed that they were upset when you refused certain details.

You couldn't tell them now, but all you wanted was to keep them safe, hoping that your soulmate would take mercy on them if you were found now. Marnie had been kind enough to keep you company through the entire day, though she wasn't the nicest either, and she had been the last one you saw when she dropped you off at this meagre hotel.

It was a large, cement high rise building on a dimly-lit street, with cheap furniture that probably didn't even get washed between visitors. When you first considered trying to sleep, you found that the blankets were made of scratchy, harsh material that made your whole body cringe away in disgust. That wasn't even to note that they were too light and thin to provide you with any comforting weight.

Anyone would think that you had no more tears to spare today, but as you finally sat on the worn-down chair, you began to choke up with stress. You had heard many counselors and friends say that anxiety could be much like droplets in a bucket, slowly building up in the mind until it could burst into tears, but you had never thought that you would feel stress as immense as this.

There was no need to move right now, you could just cry and choke on your breath, and there was almost something comforting about the all of the emotion of the moment.

That peace that you were trying to enjoy as you sobbed was quickly broken by a new voice in the room.

"(Y/N). I'm sorry."

With a sharp gasp, you looked up to find the intruder, only to see Jo leaned against the far wall of your room. They were looking at you, apologetically staring with sadness in their expression.

"I didn't - I didn't predict that there would be an issue with the airship. Now they've found you." They continue to speak with almost ominous tone, voicing their concern with a tired sigh.

They've found you? Your soulmate? Already? Who were these people, and why were they so obsessed with finding you?

As if you hadn't been overwhelmed enough, Jo had truly decided to drop a bombshell on you at this moment. In utter confusion, you looked towards your friend for any explanation.

Jo sighed again, looking away with despair, "They're minutes away as we speak. We can't run or fight." They paused again, contemplating as they look at you with a soft expression, "I - I don't know what to do."

-----

"Alright! This is where (Y/N)'s being held!" Shalnark's cheery voice rang out through the dark street, cutting through the tense atmosphere surrounding the other Troupe members.

"Would you like one of us to accompany you inside?" Pakunoda asked Chrollo, who stood closest to the building's doors.

The Troupe leader sighed as he turned towards his friend, his expression dropping at her question. He could understand the obsession that the rest of his subordinates had for his soulmate, but he knew that he had to be the first one to see his (Y/N) in person.

They had all seen your little friend sneak in through the window of your room, and Chrollo knew that he wanted the joy of getting rid of them himself. Pakunoda watched his expression carefully, and quickly stepped back, as if to give up on her own question, knowing better than to irritate her boss further.

The remaining members on the scene all took a step back, allowing Chrollo the freedom to enter the building, with a silent promise that no one would be leaving or entering while they stood guard.

-----

To both Chrollo and Jo, there was a deafening silence in this moment. Chrollo stood in the doorway of the small hotel room, not even glancing at his rival, as his eyes were immediately fixated on his soulmate, now finally sat before him.

To you, still sat between these two, there was not quite a silence, as you could hear the soft hum of old electrics hidden in the walls of this dingy place, almost comforting in the face of such intimidating auras.

"(Y/N)!" Chrollo's voice cut through the room, overflowing with joy as he stared at you. He had known that he would be happy in this moment when he could finally lay his own eyes on you, but he could have never predicted the way his heart would twist and flip with bliss in your mere presence.

That bliss was quickly cut off by Jo stepping in front of you, though their breath was shaky with fear at the prospect of fighting in your presence. The second that they had stepped out, Chrollo's expression darkened, as he immediately allowed his aura to flash out, quickly met by Jo's in an equal amount.

Not wanting to hesitate for a moment, Chrollo drew his knife and summoned his book, ready to kill at a moment's notice.

"I let you run once, I think you should be grateful for that, you little pest." His voice had a threatening tone, and though he wouldn't admit it, he almost hoped that Jo would run scared, so that he wouldn't have to kill them.

Against his hopes, your valiant guardian stood firm, though they were shaking just slightly. It was no secret that Chrollo would win this fight, Jo was heavily out of practice and stressed from days without sleep, and Chrollo would stop at nothing to reach his treasured soulmate.

"Wait." Your voice was hushed in the tense atmosphere.

-----

The Troupe had begun to worry when there was no sign of their boss for nearly 15 minutes, especially given that there hadn't been any sign of violence from within your room.

"Do you think that the boss got ambushed?" Shizuku wondered aloud, not expressing any real anxiety just yet.

"I do not think boss would get ambush that easy." Feitan was more suspicious of the silence, knowing that Chrollo had been very cautious when entering the hotel.

They continued to wait outside of the building, patiently watching every possible exit. Only a few members of the Troupe were here to see the new soulmate, with the rest searching the city for a decent place to keep you temporarily.

"Oh, look!"

Their heads quickly swiveled to the doorway, watching with a level of shock as Chrollo stepped out of the hotel, holding a new figure very close to his side. This new person was hunched, as if on the verge of pulling away from his touch, and was anxiously tugging at something in their hands.

Most of the members present recognized the sweet face of the sought after soulmate, and those who hadn't seen them before promptly caught on. However, that didn't clear up any confusion among the members.

"What happened to their friend? Did you kill them?" Shizuku was once again the first to break the silence, making you flinch at the bold and brash question.

Chrollo was swift in shutting down further questions, pulling you towards the getaway car, before suddenly telling everyone else to leave.

"Everything has been sorted, I'll tell you the details later. Where are we staying?" Chrollo was incredibly brief, a sharp tone to his voice that most Troupe members only heard after they almost botched a mission.

"There's a hotel in the city center that works for the mafia, we've booked you a couple of rooms!" Shalnark tried to walk over towards the car, wanting answers to this whole situation like the others. However, the quick spike in his boss' aura put him off immediately from that idea.

"Good. Send me the details, and I'll contact one of you tomorrow sometime." Once again, the Troupe leader sounded just slightly angered, a great change from his usual demeanor.

Chrollo quickly stepped into the car, breaking his anger for just a moment to glance at you with a soft smile.

"Don't worry about a thing, dear. Thank you so much for working with me here." He quickly began driving, shooting towards the new hotel and away from your friend's solemn gaze in the window.

"We've got our whole lives ahead of us now. Don't think about them too much."

-----

"Wait." Your voice was hushed in the tense atmosphere.

No amount of breathing exercises could have kept you calm in that moment, but you knew that there was no other option in this situation.

"I'll - I'll go with you. Chrollo." You surrendered yourself with fear, wanting to be careful with how you worded every part of this.

As both of their gazes fell on you, every nerve in your body felt as if it froze up, not wanting to speak another word, but knowing you had to.

"If I can prevent one of you from dying, I'd rather end this situation without a fight."

These two were supposed to be the closest people to your heart in the whole world. Jo, your oldest friend who had always protected you from what you couldn't understand in this world, and Chrollo, your destined soulmate, the one that the universe itself claimed would be the greatest friend that you could ever have.

You had understood since you were young that you wouldn't often be able to truly affect the world around you, always to slow to catch on or say something, but in this moment you could save someone you love, so you had to do something.

"(Y/N), no! Don't be stupid for me!" Jo was quick to interject, evidently trying to drag you back to your senses.

"I think it's their choice to make." Chrollo's deeper voice rang out through the room, reverberating through what felt like your whole body, a soft smirk appearing on his features.

"Look. I..." You trailed off, almost not ready to be so bold in what you were going to say next, "I want to keep both of you safe, and, well, from where I stand, the best way to do that is to end this... peacefully."

"Well then, come here." With his small smirk growing into a wide grin, Chrollo opened his arms just slightly, welcoming you in.

You felt almost to weak to stand, and as you did many times when you felt weak in the past, you looked to Jo.

"I won't stop you, I mean, I can't." They spoke after a brief pause, "But this is the wrong decision."

Although your heart was pained by their words, you knew that you had to take this next step on your own, for their own safety.

So, with shaky strides as Jo stepped to the side, you moved towards Chrollo, right into his waiting arms. As soon as you were close enough, he pulled you in tight to his chest, not letting you see the evil grin he sent Jo's way.

"Let's go, dear, everyone's waiting."

With all that had happened, you felt a lot less need to hold back your tears.

-----

Thanks for reading!

[andersunmenschlich]

"Was I Abused" game

Copied and pasted from this post by @furiousgoldfish (to save space since you can't reformat anything in posts you reblog).

Is it accurate? Who knows! My memories of childhood are incomplete! Besides, a lot of these things seem frankly normal to me and not abusive at all... which, if they are abusive, is probably an especially bad sign. Hm. Anyway, on to the game!

Reblog and bold the things your parents have done to you! Italicize if you're not sure. (copy paste it all and then bold)

Physical abuse

parent slapped me to prove their point / teach me a lesson (I don't remember. It would have been loss of temper anyhow, not point-proving or lesson-teaching.)

parent spanked me as a “punishment” saying it was for my own good (Hey, I was raised full-on Michael Pearl TTUAC-style. This is foundational.)

parent pulled on my hair to force me to move

parent threw things at me while angry, things heavy enough to hurt me (Kind of? She and my sister were on my bed, top bunk. I was cowering on the floor. But I dunno if she was angry.)

parent trapped me in a room/corner so I couldn’t escape them (I don't remember. But I do know, in my very bones, that there was no escape from them. You couldn't run. You couldn't hide. And trying would only make things worse.)

parent hit me when I wouldn’t obey them / tried to confront them (To Train Up A Child, people.)

parent used a twig / stick / belt to lash at my body (Again—this is the Pearl technique. My parents broke a lot of wooden paint mixing sticks on me before discovering this whippy plastic rod about the thickness of a pencil! You could sharpen the end in a pencil sharpener, too. They had a ton of those, it seemed like. And a short one for trips outside the house; it fit in Mom's purse.)

parent grabbed me to force me to pay attention to them

parent pinned me down and physically prevented me from escaping (...Yeah. Again, this is the Pearl technique.)

parent brought me into situations where I feared for my life (I—look, it's not like the fears were rational or anything. It's just that the world is terrifying when you're autistic and so much hurts. And have been taught your whole life that "the world" is a terrible, dangerous place that can kill you both physically and spiritually. Yeah.)

parent made it painfully obvious for me that I’ll obey them or suffer injuries (I mean. TTUAC.)

parent threatened to beat me if I wouldn’t do as they say (This was the most basic part of my childhood. Like air. Under what circumstances would this not be the case? Unimaginable.)

parent forcefully fed me something I refused to eat (Does not letting you eat between meals, and putting the same food in front of you at each meal—over and over again until you either eat it or it grows mold—count?)

parent made an attempt at strangling / drowning / burning me

parent banged my head / body into the wall / furniture (To be fair, I hit him first. And it's not like I broke the table when his punch sent me across the room: I didn't hit it that hard. Just busted open the back of my head a bit.)

parent forced me into sexual activities

Emotional abuse

parent called me derogatory names and slurs more than once (Frankly, I'm still reasonably convinced that I am a monster. And evil. And I am definitely a fool, at least biblically speaking. "The fool says in his heart, 'There is no god,'" indeed.)

parent said my name mostly with hatred and scorn in their voice (To be fair, it was my name.)

parent degraded and humiliated me in front of others for fun

parent insulted and devalued something really important to me (I mean, in retrospect, it was dumb. Just a worthless paper model of a house, that's all. It wasn't even that great. I was a little kid, after all. So what if I'd spent all day on it? It was still garbage, really.)

parent deprived me of something that meant the world to me (I don't remember. I genuinely don't remember, but I still have trouble admitting that I care about anything because part of me is terrified that if anyone knows I like a thing they'll have a way to hurt me, and that fear has to have come from somewhere, right?)

parent yelled and swore at me in anger more than once

parent blamed me for things that were out of my control/not my fault (And they do feel bad about this now.)

parent shamed me for my physical appearance

parent guilt-tripped me for not pleasing them well enough (I mean, they tried. But good luck; I have no idea what guilt feels like. I bought a book about it because I was curious.)

parent regarded me as a burden, and shamed me for needing them at all (Hmm. I don't really do shame either. I was a burden, though.)

parent insisted I couldn’t take a joke after I was hurt by their insults

parent never comforted me / got angry if I reached for comfort (Again, to be fair: I'm autistic. I'm pretty sure they were just having trouble with my body language and facial expressions. Why else would they punish me for bad attitude when all I wanted was to be cooed at and fluttered over with the same concern they showed my siblings when they cried about their wounded knees?)

parent punished me for crying / showing fear / showing trauma symptoms

parent humiliated me for showing excitement and happiness

parent subtly let me know that my feelings and my problems don’t matter (They, uh. They don't. My feelings and problems are mine. Why should anyone else care? It's genuinely not their problem.)

parent got angry at me for feeling depressed / angry / tired / suicidal

parent blamed me for feeling depressed / angry / tired / suicidal (Who else's fault would it be? They're my feelings, produced by my body and brain, experienced only by me, in my own head. Dang if I see how anybody else could be to blame.)

parent compared me to cousins / other children to prove how I’m the worst (Dang you, Perfect Second Child. ... Although... in retrospect... that set-up wasn't great for you either, was it. Hm.)

parent decided for me how I feel when it was convenient for them

parent told me that I was crazy / delusional / need to be locked away (I don't remember. It sounds familiar. But I don't. I don't remember.)

parent threatened me with kicking me out / sending me away if I don’t change (Kind of? Does it count if you overhear your parents talking about it in their locked bedroom? Not their fault I was listening at the door, surely. They were genuinely considering it. I can't blame them. I was a terrible child.)

parent refused to accept my sexuality gender / tried to force it to change

parent required me to act normal to protect family’s reputation

parent isolated me from family activities they all enjoy (Nooo, haha, I did that all on my own.)

parent assured me that nobody will ever want me (I mean... "only a mother could love" is a saying for a reason. And if even my own mother couldn't love me, well! I don't remember whether anyone told me this outright. It just seemed... obvious.)

parent insisted that I was lucky and that I could have had it much worse (I could have!)

parent made me responsible for their well-being and made me the caretaker

parent insisted that their harmful acts were all done “out of love” (The subject of love was confusing. "I don't love you," "I hate you," "I have to love you because you're my child, so I love you—but I don't have to like you, and I don't, I don't like you at all" ...it was all very confusing.)

parent demanded I be available for their requests at any time (Well, yes, obviously. To Train Up A Child was very clear about this.)

parent punished me for trying to establish boundaries (Boundaries, boundaries. Hmm. Interesting concept....)

parent destroyed my belongings as a form of revenge (Revenge? I don't know. Consequences, I think it was. For keeping all my favorite toys on my bed, and nesting in them. So obviously they had to be thrown onto the floor. And at my head. Ahaha.)

parent made inappropriate sex jokes and comments in my presence

parent denied doing any of this and insists that all the blame is on me (I'm not sure they aren't right, honestly. As previously noted, I am a horrible person, and I was even more horrible as a child.)

Psychological Abuse

parent kept pointing out my flaws as proofs that I won't achieve anything (Mmm... was it them, or was it me doing this? Seems like they were always telling me how intelligent I was, how talented, how much promise I had. The voices asking why wasn't I doing anything, why couldn't I use the gifts God had given me correctly, why was I wasting it all, I'm the stupidest smart person ever, garbage, can't do anything right, etc., seem to have always come from my own mind.)

parent called me stupid, incompetent, ignorant, while withholding information that I needed to know in order to complete tasks

parent would change their side of the agreement at a crucial moment and then pretend it was obvious from the start

parent stalked me / distrusted me without any reason / invaded my privacy (I'm really not sure. What privacy? A four-bedroom house with twelve people in it has very little room for privacy. And if you have nothing to hide....)

parent attacked my insecurities and vulnerabilities in any argument (Dad's always been very good at this. It's his emotional intelligence, I think. Never been much of a cryer, but he can do it to me every time!)

parent forced me into degrading actions while they watched

parent threatened to leave me

parent regularly accused me of behaving the way they did

parent never acknowledged, praised or approved of my actions

parent always demanded they be acknowledged as right without any proof / explanation (Sort of? They had explanations. It's just that those explanations were often terrible. Not that my parents were aware of that.)

parent insisted that they’re a great parent using financial support as proof

parent insisted that I should be grateful for how good they are to me (Keeping me safe from the world! The evil, dirty, disgusting world, full of immoral monsters! Oh, the horrible things that could happen to me without their protection! ...Which is not entirely untrue, I guess. But... I dunno....)

parent gaslit me and tried to make me believe my memories weren’t real if I confronted them with what they did

Neglect

parent didn’t notice I haven’t been eating properly (Frankly, I preferred that. I never much cared for being forced to eat things that made me feel sick.)

parent didn’t notice I was sick / didn’t care for me while I was sick

parent didn’t notice I was injured (Eh. After the first few years of my life, that suited me just fine.)

parent didn’t notice I didn’t have clothes / shoes I needed for school (I didn't go to school.)

parent didn’t notice I suffered from trauma (Look, it's—it's the autism again, okay? Living in a world that hurts you horribly at unpredictable moments is traumatic. I didn't know it was trauma. I just thought it was life. So how could they have known?)

parent didn’t notice I was anxious and stressed (Oh, they noticed that.)

parent didn’t notice I was depressed (Once again—I didn't realize. So how could they? I'm really not sure this counts.)

parent didn’t notice I was cutting myself (Whipping myself, actually. With tree branches. Until the skin broke. Hmm, that was when I was in my early teens, though—as a kid I used to turn a little wooden rocking chair upside down and throw myself into the sharp ends of the rockers. To be fair, they might have noticed. Just... who really cares? I was a rough and tumble kid. Scrapes and bruises and cuts and what-have-you were to be expected. Anyway, there was no cutting; I never cut myself.)

parent didn’t notice I was suicidal (I wasn't. I'm not. I won't be. Mind over matter. Ha.)

parent didn’t notice I was being sexually abused

parent didn’t notice I was being bullied

parent failed to get me medical attention when it was needed

parent failed to teach me the very basics of self care

parent didn’t seem to notice any of my needs and feelings except the absolute minimum I required to survive (Uh. Anything more than the absolute minimum you require to survive isn't a need. You need to survive. Do you really need anything else? I mean, it's nice, a definite plus, but....)

when I notified them of these things, they denied it, accused me of lying, decided it wasn’t happening and/or blamed me for it

Financial Abuse

parent made me feel ashamed for needing money

parent made me feel like I was a financial burden to them (But I was. Come on, now. There's no way honesty counts as abuse. ...Is there?)

parent only gave me minimal money to survive (I don't—there were kids out there getting money from their parents? I mean, they're giving you clothes, food, and shelter already. What for would you need money? I must be missing something.)

parent made sure I never have a decent amount of money on me (Again—I never had that much money. Quarters from the Tooth Fairy: that was it. Money from birthday cards or whatever went in the college fund under their bed. "For your future." And I raided that stash later to buy books anyhow.)

parent took the money I earned from me

parent used the money to blackmail me (if you continue this way let’s see who will pay for your bus ticket!)

parent insisted since they “pay for my stuff” they have the right to control my behaviour and actions (and attitudes. Is this, um. Is this not true?)

parent had enough money for luxury but kept me without anything

parent refused to get my medicine / get me medical attention because it’s too expensive while they got everything for themselves (Nah, they didn't visit the doctor either.)

parent would keep me anxious over if they would pay my expenses or not

parent would make me do as much work for them as possible before they would pay for a necessity

parent kept me in the dark over family finances even when I was of age (Was that them, though? Or was that me? It's difficult to know what's going on with your money when you can't go outside during the day—so no bank visits—and you don't have the password to your bank account because you never asked for it, so you can't do anything online. Which was just as well, because my laptop was... not great. Almost certainly terribly insecure.)

parent would make sure I never have enough money to escape them

If you bold more than 5 things, you have been through abuse. For some particular ones, even one true thing on this list means you’ve been badly harmed by your parents. Also this list is not complete, there are many more abusive behaviours not listed here, feel free to add!

[one-abuse-survivor]

before i start, thank you so much for doing what you do;this blog has given me good advice countless times and i really have to thank you for that.

my issues with my parents are that they don't take me seriously. i can literally go up to them and say: "mom/dad, i think i might be autistic or have ADHD (both would be quite likely) can i get that checked out" and list a bunch of examples why i think that and they'll just be "nah, that can't be, you don't seem like that at all" as of i didn't break my mind over it researching it and talking to people who have it to see if we've had similar experiences just to get some kind of reference as to why i feel the way i feel and why i struggle so much with things that so many other people find so easy.

but then, in the following weeks and months (after talking w them) they just randomly point out things about me that kinda annoy them, like me talking out of turn a LOT or me not looking at people or me having trouble focusing if there isn't also music and a movie going at the same time or mom saying that i seem hyperactive to her because i'm always moving my legs or pacing around or rubbing my hands or drumming on the table with pens. things like that (plus a lot more) were the exact things i was telling them about and they just put it off like it's nothing but as soon as it affects and annoys them it's suddenly very real. at this point i'm struggling to talk to my parents about anything even remotely more serious than generic smalltalk and i'm having a hard time believing myself that my struggles are in fact real and i'm not just making them up.

and also on a less related note; the thing i hate most about my parents: if i'm wearing headphones and couldn't understand what a parent was yelling from somewhere else in the house then it's my fault. but if it's the exact same situation but i'm the one calling and they couldn't hear me, then it's obviously my fault too (i kinda get the first one but srsly how could i not wear headphones when they're constantly arguing with my brother in the room next to mine) (either way if one of the scenarios is clearly my fault, then the other shld be clearly their fault bc that's how logic works)

hhhh, this got quite long. i would love to hear your thoughts about this

a continuation from the other ask about my parents not taking me seriously even when i ask them for help with my hardest problems. that ask didn't really go in the direction i had planned but there is so much going on between my parents and me that i really need to talk to someone about

background: i'm around 15-16 rn and have a brother who's 18. primary school was academically very easy for me (lots and lots of great and even perfect grades) but my brother didn't have it as easy (lots and lots of mediocre and meh grades) so my parents really just kinda let me do my thing while they were constantly busy with my brother. so i got really independant and did all of my stuff on my own bc a) i always had done it that way and b) my parents were already busy and stressed. but after my brother got his first computer and got into video games his grades dropped and my parents started constantly arguing with him and taking away his computer and stuff like that so there was always a lot of tension (and i got to a point where i can't handle people yelling; that's what i was referring to with the headphone thingy at the end of the last ask) i don't know if i can go that far and say that my parents kinda neglected me and my emotional needs in favour of saving my brother grades but that's pretty much the way it feels.

i'm now a sophomore (school works a bit different here but i'm the equivalent of a highschool sophomore afaik, here it's just 10th grade) and starting from about mid 8th grade (end of 2018) i've been struggling a lot with self care and upkeep of my already minimal social circle and academic stuff (i'm at the academically highest level of school you could be at my age without skipping any years) and also mental health.

i got quite depressive and started isolating myself and casting away friends and my grades went down a lot, which really disappointed me because my great grades were kind of my trademark thing. but i didn't feel safe talking to my parents because of the huge distance that we built by me "never" needing their help with stuff.

in that time (almost a year ago, our anniversary is in twenty days or so) i got a girlfriend and i'm hella glad that i can talk to her about everything but i feel like i can't just go dump trauma and parent issues on her forever

about last november or so i was at a pretty low point and was suicidal and that's kind of when i snapped and went to my parents to talk so being cast away and having my issues invalidated really really hurt then and made me spiral even deeper and my gf was the only thing keeping me afloat.

i'm kind of a bit better now but i have rebuilt my view of my parents from "idk we never really interact" to "trying to interact or talk is not worth the energy" and needless to say i don't like them that much

oh and i forgot about all the times i got panic attacks and sensory overloads @ school because there are so many people there (1700 students + 200 teachers) and it's loud everywhere and of course asking my parents for what to do if suddenly everything is too bright and too loud and you can't move or talk because of it didn't get me anywhere (and since i didn't know what it was called or how to describe it properly, i didn't really find any Information online either

and just typing this makes me think of so many more things that they did that aren't okay things to do (a lot of gender identity stuff for example because i'm also neck-deep in that) . but writing this has also helped a lot right now. thank you for being there and listening.

and just in case i'm ever gonna pop back in to say something i'm gonna drop a name for easier identifying

sincerely - 🌌 milky way anon

Hi, nonnie! Thanks for the kind words, I'm really glad my blog has been of help ❤️

I'm sorry your parents are making it hard to believe your struggles are real :( you deserve to be taken seriously and to get access to all the help you might need. Just the fact your symptoms are there and you're noticing them and they're interfering with your daily life is enough to get them checked, regardless of if you need a diagnosis/meds/anything else. No one deserves to live wondering if their struggles are worth discussing with a doctor or professional.

And you're right: if one of those things was your fault, then the other should be theirs, logically. But I don't even think it's "your fault" you didn't hear them because you were wearing headphones, to be honest. I think it's just something that happens from time to time and that doesn't warrant getting mad over; I think it's the kind of thing that simply needs to be talked about so everyone in the household knows how to communicate with everyone else without getting frustrated. It's as easy as saying "hey, whenever I put on headphones I'll just text the family group chat to let you guys know I won't hear you. If you need anything in those moments, just text me instead". I do this with my girlfriend sometimes—if we're wearing headphones and we're in the same room, we simply pat each other when we need something and wait until the other takes off their headphones to talk. It really doesn't have to be an issue where anyone is to blame. You're allowed to take steps to feel safe and comfortable in your house without getting punished for it.

But, of course, this doesn't work if the people around you choose to prioritise "being right" and proving you're wrong over a peaceful and healthy cohabitation, which is what most toxic and abusive people do.

As for your second ask, I would say if it feels like your parents neglected you and your needs because they were always focusing on your brother, then it's okay to say that they did. The fact alone that those feelings are there makes you deserving of talking about it and wanting to heal from it; the cause of those feelings doesn't have to be something major, or sound deeply traumatising when you say it out loud, in order to "count". And people whose emotional needs were consistently met don't feel like they weren't.

I've already shared this video before, but if you want some resources on identifying and healing from emotional neglect, I really recommend watching it. Please bear in mind, though, that the video says it's important to not blame parents for emotionally neglecting you, but I don't think that's the message a lot of people need to hear and I think you should allow yourself to feel angry at your parents for not meeting your needs and causing you trauma. That's pretty much the only thing I'd criticise about the video.

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with your grades and mental health lately, nonnie. I had a quite similar experience when I was in high school—I used to always get great grades, but my mental health and trauma put a lot of strain on them (as well as on my social life; I lost a lot of friends in those years) and it was really distressing to see the only thing that made me "worthy" crumble between my fingers like that. I'm still trying to unlearn this idea that your grades define your worth, and it's been really hard.

I'm so sorry your parents weren't there for you when you hit that low 😔 I'm glad your girlfriend could help you stay afloat in that moment, but they absolutely should've been there for you all those times you reached out to them for help with your struggles, and the fact that they didn't is emotionally neglectful of them.

I'm glad you're in a better place now ❤️ I really hope you can find out all the information you need on gender identity and sensory overload and any other issues that might be affecting you. Know that you deserve for your parents to be there for you. You shouldn't have to face any of this on your own, or even with only the support of other people your age. You deserve for them to care. You deserve to have your symptoms checked out. You deserve adult guidance to find resources to help you better understand and manage your struggles.

Sending all my virtual support your way ❤️ and happy belated anniversary to you and your girlfriend!

[silenceofthecookies]

One piece matchup for @basilisa-scorpii / @some-piece​ 

I’m 25 cis woman. Bisexual, however, I tend to lean more towards men or more “masculine” women, when it comes to physical attraction. I’m a tall gal (180cm/5’11) and on the chubby side of the scale, especially when it comes to boobs (I’m outranking OP girls, I’m afraid, rip my back xD), apple body shape, long legs. Dark, almost black, wavy hair, dark eyes, olive-ish complexion. Pierced girl here: 3 in left ear, one in right and a labret; totally planning more as well as tattoos. Rather tomboyish with a huge love for punk style, I like wearing black clothes and “break” them with something warm and vivid, like yellow or red.

ISTJ and Capricorn. Extremely introverted. Shy and reserved towards “stranger danger”, but I like people in general and I like company, as long as I’m having a safe distance and the “people time” is balanced with solitude. I have a huge tendency to be gloomy, can come across as rude and insensitive to people who don’t know me well, since I don’t really care about social boundaries, I’m sarcastic and have quite a morbid sense of humor. I am horribly hot-headed, but I do my best to tame it, so I rarely explode… But when I do, then it is indeed an explosion. Around the right people, I tend to get softer (aka the face people usually see on my blogs, doing my best to not be a bitch lmao) and more chaotic. Once I become close to someone, I am loyal to death and kind of overprotective. I’m not really affectionate and can’t express emotions well, my love language is an act of service. Biggest flaws: stubborn af, clumsy, oblivious, over-cautious, control freak, workaholic.

I love reading (sci-fi, fantasy, thriller, crime stories, magical realism, comics), travelling, history and archeology (ancient and medieval Europe), ornithology, stargazing and astrophysics, mythologies and folklore, cooking, writing, Greek history, language and culture. 

I also like: wandering around early in the morning/at night, reading on a windowsill, visiting random places in my city and around, rainy summer days and storms, birds, cloudless nights, dark chocolate, when someone plays with my hair, freedom of choice, meditating, good hot tea, hiking, sitting in water (hooot baths!), tattoos, piercing and body art, liquor, atmospheric bars with good music, good beer and good, small company.

I hate: crowd, clingy and noisy people, being told what to do and when, covering my neck and chest, being touched without asking for permission first, hot and sunny weather, losing control over situations or myself, cruelty against animals, kids and weaker people; bigotry, judgemental people, injustice, symmetrism, sterility, overly spicy food.

Any additional info you would like to share, fun facts, etc.

I’m neurodivergent (autistic and I suspect I might have ADHD in addition, though it both can go together and shares some similarities so who knows).

Used to be very sport oriented (trained basketball and for short time fencing) but because of health issues I can’t do that anymore. I do like being active whenever my mental and physical states allow me to (I just love yoga cause I can flex how flexible I am lmao)... But I need to be watched cause die hard or do nothing and I end in even worse condition, so yeah, someone with one more brain cell than me is needed around xD

I have a very high tolerance for toxic substances, such as alcohol, drugs, lots of meds… And luckily very good pain tolerance, cause most painkillers don’t work on me and whoa boy.

(No wonder I hate dentists with passion.)

I get along better with people who are straightforward and honest, even if sometimes they might tell me something I do not wish to hear. I will sniff bullshit out on a mile and if someone lies to me once, it’s over. And on top of that, I just don’t get hints, implications, allusions. Also, since I absorb emotions like a sponge, people who act too dramatically quickly overwhelm me, either it’s negative or positive emotions. 

I’d be the definition of a slowborn protagonist… Because it’d take me ages to realize someone has a crush on me and even longer to open enough to accept them lmao I’m a horrible, hopeless case.

I match you with... 

Trafalgar Law!

Bas. I kid you not. I spent 10 minutes trying to figure out if your match should’ve been Law or Zoro. Went down my list as usual, ended up with those two anyway. And here I wanted to surprise you ☹ Anyway, here’s why I picked Law:

Law is very calm, levelheaded and in general, not noisy at all. He’s a balanced person who generally won’t overwhelm you with his own feelings and emotions. He’s straightforward with his words and actions, because who has time (or energy) for beating around the bush? When Law says something, he means it. What also makes him a good match for you is that he is very calm, even in emotional situations, so he can step in before you explode.

A relationship with Law is very much drama-free. He’s a doctor, a captain and an insomniac gremlin, he doesn’t have the time nor energy for fights. You’re both adults, and problems will be handled as adults, by talking. Law won’t raise his voice unless you do so first and even then, it’ll take a while. In the rare case a fight escalates, he'll just walk away and wait for the situation to cool down.

Law is very patient with you. He’s not a person who will quickly get attached. Once he falls in love with someone, it’s unconditional. If you’re in disbelief he’ll show you through his words and actions that he’s serious. If you can’t accept it, he’ll wait until you can. He’ll give you all the time and space you need. Be prepared for some teasing about that way later in the relationship when you’re both comfortable with it though.

Law shares in your dislike of crowds, so dates will usually be something away from them, or something where you can easily get away from should it be overwhelming. Much like you, he too has times where he needs to recharge from social interactions by having some alone time, and he will never judge you or guilt you for needing some time for yourself.

Let’s not forget Law is a doctor. He understands your health, both physical and even to a degree mental, and will help you where needed, mostly by telling you not to push yourself and stopping you when you’re doing so anyway. He’s concerned about you but not in an overbearing way, trusting you to know what your limits are. Be prepared for a little nagging when you do know better but do things anyway.

Law’s love languages are quality time and acts of service, preferring to show this feelings for you through actions rather than through words or physical affection. He's happy you're not too clingy either, though that doesn't mean some affection isn't needed from time to time.

In general, Law will always respect your independence and even encourage you to do things with people beside him. He knows he's very busy and sometimes won't have enough time for you, so he wants you to have other people as well that you can enjoy yourself with. He doesn't easily get jealous either, though he is curious about your friends, wanting to meet them at least once, if only so he knows who you're talking about when you tell him about your day.

[child-of-peace]

So I was watching Fitzsimmons clips on YouTube, and noticed a scene I had quite forgotten existed (given that I watched the first season in one day with my friends, it’s no surprise I didn’t remember this part) but I wanted to talk a bit about 1x20. (This will be an in-depth Fitz-centric analysis of that scene, just to let you know.)

I’d like to make clear from the outset, this is completely my own opinion based on my own experiences. Other people may read the scene differently and that is completely their own opinion and I respect that.

I’m autistic myself and I headcanon that both Jemma and Fitz are autistic too (though really it should be canon with all the signs they’ve given us throughout the show). The clip I saw was of Fitz very clearly having a meltdown, but because the video I was watching was only about Fitzsimmons + every time they say each other’s names, the clip only showed a couple of seconds of it. So I found the episode in question and looked for the scene.

For anyone who plans to watch the show and has not already seen this episode or heard any spoilers for it (though how you’ve managed to avoid spoilers, I have no clue!), I’m about to reveal one of the biggest spoilers for Season 1, so maybe just scroll past this post.

Anyway, so in the scene we see Fitz, Coulson and Trip standing by whilst Jemma is doing an autopsy on the dude who, as this scene later reveals was killed by Ward. Fitz clearly saw Ward as a big brother kind of figure and as we all know, was unwilling to believe Ward was capable of this.

Throughout the early parts of the scene, Fitz is displaying some of the “signs of distress” (as noted by the National Autistic Society) which can be seen as a precursor to a meltdown: pacing, repetitive questioning and even, as Jemma is giving her report, going completely still. Also, when he talks to Trip and Trip puts his hand on Fitz’s shoulder (terrible decision), Fitz pushes him away saying “Don’t touch me.” (This likely would’ve made Fitz more overwhelmed because contact can be Bad especially from a near stranger when you’re close to/having a meltdown.)

The meltdown itself doesn’t hit until Jemma says “Ward did this.” You can see beforehand, she is hesitant to say anything, partially because she can tell Fitz is getting overwhelmed, but she has a job to do. The next moment, Fitz flings something metal across the room and pushes everything off the nearby surface, because this information is too much, because it’s bad, bad, bad and he’s overwhelmed.

Jemma knows what’s going on. Of course she does. They’ve been best friends for eight years by this point, this is certainly not the first meltdown either of them have had in front of each other. Each autistic person has their own rules about what works for them and what doesn’t when they’re having a meltdown. So Fitzsimmons probably have a routine, little things they do to calm each other down, such as the hand-on-shoulder thing which they do all the time to comfort one another. The hand-on-shoulder thing in and of itself is important because it’s a somewhat safe place to touch and familiar for them and if the comforted party needs more, they can go for a hug, if that’s enough, they can put their hand on the comforter’s and if it’s too much, they can easily move away. This shows they have their rituals.

Whilst Coulson and Trip are shocked at Fitz’s “sudden” outburst, Jemma gasps at the noise, but then immediately steps towards him. She knows what she’s doing. She calls out his name, and when he starts hitting the wall (which is something that will cause him pain), she reaches for him (this is a bad idea unless you are sure the other person is comfortable with it) and she tries to stop him from hurting himself by moving him away from the wall.

Here’s where it goes wrong. Now to be clear, I don’t think that’s through any fault of the writers or the actors here, but rather, the reaction from a neurotypical (or at the very least allistic) character is very real and true to what can happen in real life, and therein lies the problem. Coulson gets involved.

Coulson clearly views this as a fit of rage or something to that effect, and therefore, his reaction is to treat Fitz as a younger colleague who has lost control of his emotions due to anger and is now acting out, rather than recognising what Jemma does: that Fitz is not okay. When Fitz leans over the table, Jemma puts her hand on his shoulder; familiar, safe. But then Coulson is there, by his side, saying, “We need to hold it together, listen” as though this is something that Fitz can control, like all he needs to do is put a lid on his “temper”; bad, bad, bad.

To hear this as a response to a meltdown will not help you to calm down. It’ll only make you more stressed. This is shown when Fitz, after Coulson says this, hits out, knocking something else off the table. Jemma’s crying. She doesn’t know how to help Fitz because this is their boss stood in front of them, and what can she say in front of him. She can’t tell him to back off and give Fitz space. She can’t tell him that he’s not helping. All she can do is watch as her best friend struggles. The only support she can offer is her hand on his shoulder.

“All that anger, all that pain, you need to hold it in and focus on Skye.” Pain, yes. Anger, no. He’s not angry. He’s overwhelmed. Holding it in won’t help and is certainly not healthy at all for him. And as for focusing, it is so hard to focus on something else when your brain is still struggling to process one piece of information. And Coulson doesn’t stop talking, doesn’t stop trying to “motivate” Fitz into redirecting his “anger”. And when Fitz doesn’t respond, because he’s trying to calm himself down so that he doesn’t feel like he’s a hindrance to his team like his father probably led him to believe, Coulson grabs his shoulder (not roughly) and pulls him up so that Fitz will look at him. Fitz lets him, because what else can he do, this is his superior and his father most likely drilled some bullshit into his mind before he was ten, but he doesn’t look at Coulson’s face.

Fitz, in his overwhelmed state, cannot stand to make eye contact or even attempt to pretend to make eye contact. Instead, he averts his gaze, keeping it low, as Coulson tells him what he needs from him. Then Fitz meets Coulson’s eyes when Coulson says “can you do that?” To a neurotypical, maybe this sounds like an “I need you to do this for me, cool?” (I wouldn’t know) but from an autistic perspective, this sounds like “are you capable of doing that?”. This, therefore, to Fitz sounds like Coulson is saying “your autism is getting in the way of your work and your inability to maintain the standards a neurotypical would be able to maintain makes me question whether or not you are suitable for this job”. Of course, that isn’t what Coulson is trying to say, but for Fitz? Fitz, whose father called him stupid and incapable when he was young. Fitz, whose peers mocked and isolated him. Fitz, who struggles to open up and forces himself into being someone else around NTs because, in his experience, they don’t understand him and many won’t even try. Fitz takes this as a reprimand.

So he nods, because he can’t speak right now, but he’ll be the person they need right now. Because if he isn’t, will they give up on him? Fitz leaves the room, head hung low, Jemma just behind him.

There is no follow-up to this scene, but I imagine that, when it was just him and Jemma, his meltdown struck properly. And, as far as I can remember (which apparently isn’t very far), he doesn’t have a meltdown like this in front of his team again (with the exception of Jemma’s disappearance, when he lost the one person who understood him/the love of his life, but even then, with witnesses, his meltdowns seem contained), most likely a result of this and the trauma he still carries from his childhood.

You can find the scene in question on YouTube here.

TL;DR: In my opinion, Jemma’s interaction with Fitz during his meltdown in this scene was based on years of friendship and trust and actually listening to what he needs. Coulson’s interactions with Fitz, while well-meaning, were probably more damaging than helpful. If you have an autistic friend/family member, find out what their specific needs are when they have a meltdown, and try to keep a calm voice and don’t overwhelm them.

I’d like to make clear here, that I love Coulson as a character, I just think he reacted badly in this scene because he didn’t recognise what was happening. Plus, Coulson is completely justified in wanting to help Daisy (Skye), but he’d have better luck if he let Fitz calm down and sort his thoughts out first!

[painted-crow]

Submission time #3

The one who asked about Slytherin primary.

Thank you for answering my submision. 

Yes, the question about what’s up with that trust thing is a good one. I’ll have to think about it. 

As a person who either has or models some kind of fluid secondary for social situations and survival around people, I know that people can do and say stuff they don’t mean, just for that specific moment, just then and there. We all listen to our friends, to our family members, we might not always mean it, but we’ll still play along.

You wouldn't play along with someone you don't care about, though.

That’s what human relationships calls for, at least that’s what I think. (There’s a good chance I’m not a Gryffindor secondary). That’s what I’ve seen even in my friends.

But I also believe that we operate on some kind of principles. We may not really care deeply about something our friend is talking about, but we’ll be there and listen and try to be honest and say what we think if asked, because we care about them. The same way we can sit at the same table, write our essays, share thoughts and care about each other, but after an hour that will be gone, because now we operate on a different principle or thought. But then if your relationship becomes a value, a force on itself, a ‘principle’, that feels safe.

I think, personally, there’s a principle that you don’t talk bad stuff about your friends behind their backs with acquaintances, because if you do, what made you do it? If a friend does it, even if they say sorry, you can’t trust them anymore. You may love them very much, you may come to their parties and be so glad that they’re doing so good, but you know that the trust is broken. It’s hard to get, but has to be sacred. That means I can’t drop my performances with you anymore, I can’t be real and completely raw with them anymore.

Probably that’s why I emphasize trust that much. It means I’ll give you VIP access to my life, my thoughts, myself.

It sounds like what you're saying is, a relationship doesn't feel safe until caring about each other is the rule rather than the exception. You don't fully trust until that's established. It also seems like the relationship doesn't feel "real" to you until that happens.

This seems very Slytherin to me, but for most Slytherins, their inner circle people aren't the only people they'll let themselves believe might care about them. It seems like you're operating like that, though, and you don't have anyone in your inner circle right now, maybe because you're having a hard time trusting people in general. This is kinda textbook burned Slytherin.

Other primaries don't usually have this kind of dichotomy. They have relationships, and some are closer than others, but there's not so much a threshold like "okay, now we belong to each other and I can trust you completely." They may have relationships that are that close, but they wouldn't be able to draw a line showing when it got there.

Using different masks also costs energy, so probably I’m only modeling Slytherin secondary.

Probably a model, but also... doing stuff generally costs energy.

This is so slippery, like I’m trying to balance on some kind of invisible line in order to not be seen as a bad person, and I know I can do it easily and quickly.

Sheesh, you don't even trust yourself. Your brain is a hostile environment.

I managed to minimize my primary sorting to either Gryffindor or Slytherin. Both burned. Your insights on Ravenclaw primary really helped. You guys are really beautiful, and it sounds like your systems are neat and constantly updated, I’d wish I’d do that too, but I don’t have a preference for this kind of method, sadly.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it's not for everybody. Glad the post helped though ^^

You know what’s funny? I can’t think of anything that could have been that traumatic or dramatic to have such an impact on me. Most people go through more than I did my whole life, I’d say I’m the one to blame most of the time for my mishaps. 

So, I have a question... are you autistic? (Or have ADHD? That's a similar experience.) Because if you know the answer is yes, then like... duh. That's going to have an impact.

Otherwise--and I need you to understand, this is coming from a neurotypical-passing autistic girl who's never been formally diagnosed--there's a possibility you're autistic and don't know, and that sucks. A lot of autis who were quiet kids or adapted good social skills get overlooked for diagnosis, but we still go our whole lives being subtly (and not-so-subtly) told there's something wrong with us, until we internalize it, because we don't know any other explanation for why we can't just be like everybody else.

We find ways to act that are "safe" and won't be rejected so quickly. We can have a hard time making friends, partly because it takes so much energy to be around people when we're hyper-aware of how we look to the people around us, constantly monitoring to make sure we don't misstep and accidentally offend people. We ignore our needs in order to fit in with society, and we blame ourselves for having those needs in the first place. We call ourselves lazy or weak or hypersensitive, and we push ourselves to burnout in the name of "just trying harder."

It's exhausting.

If you relate to this? That's a traumatizing experience, and don't let your brain tell you otherwise. Being autistic or having ADHD, in our current society, is incredibly difficult even if no one realizes you aren't neurotypical. (It's easier if you know what's going on, though. Also, you start to find other autis, who are cool people and have A+ taste in memes.)

Or maybe none of this applies to you. It's just some of the stuff you've said, like about having to "survive" social encounters, or being worried about people seeing you as a bad person, or blaming yourself for "mishaps." Some of it reminds me of friends of mine who have c-ptsd. It's enough that I feel like I should ask if you've looked into this.

*sheepishly climbs down from soapbox*

I wanted to say that I collected judgment about the world more than on that situation. Strangely I can relate to some things from the other persons’ submission. I do absorb others opinions, ‘energy’, and it fades away with time after not being around. It costs me energy and effort to hold onto a belief, unless I really feel it, or it stuck, like they said. I have to constantly remind myself ‘this is good, this is right’.

And even then, like for my degree, the thought that I will be able to help people can’t comfort me the same way as the thought that I’m doing this for my family, that they won’t need to worry about my future anymore. It gets better if I can do stuff, that’s why I like to throw myself in situations. Then, in little things, it’s easier to say that this or that feels better in this situation.

My values don't weight the same, some of them are mine, mostly related to the fact that someone hurts someone, something. Others are what I know is right, but I don’t feel it, I collected those, and sometimes I feel like I’m hiding behind them, behind those words. If I’d be a Ravenclaw primary, this wouldn’t be an issue, right?

Starting to think you model burned Gryffindor primary.

Like the other person said here, I don’t have a defined sense of self, but I think this relates more to a secondary than a primary. I used to really overthink this question, but then one day I thought ‘I am me, every day this is me, I’m more my actions and the principles I can find under it then some thought that can easily be proven wrong. I am not the same person I was yesterday but kind of the same in some sense, but it’s logical to me if I base these things on my actions, and those depends on the situation.

So, Gryffindors also construct themselves, in a way. It's much more organic and subconscious than a Ravenclaw system. They don't *have* a system, who they are is the system. They construct themselves out of experiences and actions and decisions and it all comes together into a person with an intuitive understanding of right and wrong.

I get why this looks like it might be a secondary thing, but it's not really about methods--this is how Gryffindors grow into themselves and their beliefs. They're not making up their ideals out of thin air, they do come from somewhere.

I think you might model burned Gryff.

Sounds like Slytherin secondary, but I’d say it’s still always me, I’m still somehow honest, raw, just choosing which face of me to show, but then I don’t work on things, although I like honesty and to invest in relationships, so maybe still a Hufflepuff secondary.

Puff secondaries don't have to be dedicated to everything. If relationships are where you invest, then that's where you invest.

But the bra thing, oh god it does sometimes feel like this. That’s why I like to stay at home most of my free time. By not having to react and act and do and speak I’m most of the time my true self.

Right? Guards down, nobody expects anything of you, you can just chill. Alone time is the best.

Nah, I’m strange, but it’s fine :D

Just as long as you know you're the cool kind of strange ^^

I can’t say I don’t have connections and relationships. I have my family, a couple of friends. Maybe I feel this way because at this point in my life, in this situation, my studies, they aren’t here, not in the same spot as I am. They can’t objectively stand here with me and understand how I feel. Yes, I still feel like it would be fine if I’d only wouldn’t be alone in this situation. I always feel better, stronger, fuller when I find a friend in new places, situations, schools. I’m a loner who wants connection, laughter, shared views and excitement that only a relationship can bring in my life.

Hiss hiss lol.

It looks like now I did not spoke so much about what maybe makes me a Slytherin. Maybe I’m just craving a relationship that would match my situation, that would make me grounded in it, because relationships with my family and friends doesn’t provide me with this. Maybe I’m not one, but Slytherin primary is the one I can understand, and get behind mostly. Gryffindor primary would be... A strange fit. I can understand it but I can’t get behind it, most of the time. It’s like someone saying that they think I’m beautiful. It would leave me blinking for a second and not really understanding are they for real or do they want something from me.

Do you think Slytherin would still be a good fit here?

Yep. Burned Slytherin modeling burned Gryffindor, I think.

P. S. Thank you for your advice, I’m definitely trying to get my own mind untangled.

Sure thing! Hope this helps ^^

[poplinn]

I do think that the new outbreak of toxic people drumming up their toxic groups in this fandom is hurting people. They think theyre doing something right but all they're doing is making mentally ill and/or young fans too scared to enjoy or create in fear of being harassed.

Hi anon! first of all i want to apologise for responding so late. I have a lot to say about your ask and just wanted a clear head before i decided  to respond. i want to start  off by saying you are absolutely right.

Before i continue i am going to put a read-more because, well, i have a LOT to say about this, so, mini-rant ahead under the read-more…

These people are doing more harm than good.

I understand if you want to make a small list with content warnings, for a fandom, that is completely fine! But using such a list to start bullying, harassing, threatening and in general, witch-hunting people is not okay. Many great and talented people have been driven away from the fandom by that tiny toxic group(or the cucks, as i like to call them for easy sakes). Content creators are even scared to post their content too now, both of these things are a huge shame. It’s terrible. Sites like tumblr are supposed to be for sharing your content without limitations. [well, until the nsfw ban, but you get what i mean..]

I happen to be in contact with some people on the blocklist, and let me tell you, they are truly amazing and wonderful people. 

Yeah sometimes people make content you may not agree with, but that doesn’t mean you have start attacking people for it. Do you know how easy it is to click the unfollow or block button? But apparently some people are so stupid they prefer to screech instead of click one single button. 

But for example, I dislike a certain popular hc for medic. I dislike the Jewish medic hc. I’m a Jewish man myself, but I don’t like seeing Jewish medic for multiple reasons, none of which are out of antisemitic nature. What do I see when I see Jewish medic? I mind my own fucking business. The person who posted that wanted to create that, fine by me. I don’t agree with it, and I don’t have to. I’m not going to make a dumb expose list for everyone who ever said anything about medic being Jewish. I mind my fucking business like a normal, mature person. 

And there was/is a huge discussion about drawing or writing tf2 non-con…yeah, rape isn’t good. Every sane person knows that. Writing or drawing rape does not mean you’re a rapist (unless it’s an autobiography of course, then I’d like you to take a trip to prison). But, some people, including myself, write or draw non-con as a coping mechanism. I use confrontation to cope. I have a few triggers, and by confronting myself with said triggers I’m slowly getting over said triggers.

If I write or draw about these triggers or rape, I feel like I’m relieving my feelings about what happened to me. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, and i’m not the only person who does it like that. 

Yeah, I get people don’t always want to see that. That’s why tags exist, that’s why people use those tags for content and trigger warnings. That’s why you block those tags if you don’t want to see it.  It’s that simple

Also, some of them make the claim that fiction is reality. I disagree, fiction is not reality. Yes, fiction can impact reality, but it isn’t one and the same. If you can’t distinguish fiction from reality then, well, you’re either not ready for fiction or not old/stable enough to be able to tell the two apart. Besides, if fiction really IS reality then so many movies and books would have been banned, or the writers of those must have been in jail by now, right? Writing a book about a fictional serial killer does not mean the writer is planning to or already has commit murder. Take Tf2 fan-fiction writers for example. They write about dudes slaughtering each other on a daily basis, but some of them wouldn’t even DARE to hit a fly in real life. 

People who commit crimes because of a fictional piece were already going to do so to begin with. No sane human sees a crime that occurs in fiction and thinks to do the same. Those who do commit crimes because of a fictional piece were already planning to do so to begin with, and were probably not a completely hundred percent stable person.

And about the discussion of miss p being a lesbian, yeah I get that Jay said she’s gay and that, and if she really was a Canon lesbian, it’d be weird to ship her with men. However, those cucks do also make soldier a homosexual despite him having a (gorgeous) wife? Isn’t that kind of hypocritical? Anyways, Jay most likely was joking about miss p being gay, he’s known to be a jokey person like that. I feel like the way he did it was just saying “oh yeah btw she’s gay”. To me it feels vague. In the same sense that jk Rowling suddenly says everyone is gay in Harry Potter. Yeah, I hc her as a funky lil lesbian too, but i don’t go off on a tangent when someone sees her as bi, because the way she was “confirmed” as a lesbian, was vague and uncertain, and most likely a dumb joke that split the fandom in half.    

Anyways, most of the cucks I ran into are underage, and aren’t even allowed on this site, which can explain their irrational behaviour, and refusing to listen to anyone who slightly disagrees with them, but lemme tell y'all something, minding your own fucking business would have prevented this entire blocklist ordeal.

Besides, YOU are in control of what you see on the Internet. Don’t like a certain type of content? BLOCK IT! or just, STOP LOOKING AT IT! it’s not that hard!

You are responsible for your own experience on the Internet. Not ready for that? Then close your phone/laptop and go outside. Content creators are not responsible for what you do online, these creators don’t know you, don’t expect them to fucking take care of you, they’re not your parents. Avoiding certain content does NOT mean you have to start policing others on what to post. You have no right to tell artist what they can and cannot post. Again, you may criticise or dislike it, that’s fine, but actively demanding censorship or threatening the creator makes you look like an incompetent asshole. 

And if you disagree with something, it’s better to start with calming yourself down and contacting the OP in a respectful and mature manner. Maybe talk to them, broaden your horizon, broaden their horizon. Can’t agree eventually? That’s fine, it’s normal. Simply block the tag or the creator themselves and boom! You’re done, and didn’t harm anyone in the fandom and probably learned something, and OP probably too! If something isn’t tagged you can always, nicely, reach out to OP and ask them to tag. Most of the time they will. And if they don’t, just unfollow or block them if they continue posting a certain something that triggers you. Making a blocklist is one of the most immature things you could do. You bully and harass people to the point where some feel unsafe, and some even suicidal, in a fandom about a dumb fucking hat Simulator. Is that really what you want?? A fandom is supposed to be a safe and fun place for everyone who likes a certain something. By being toxic, and harassing others to the point where they don’t even feel safe(not only those who are young or mentally ill) in a what was supposed to be a safe place for them, you’re actively harming that safe place, and frankly, you don’t deserve to be in the fandom. 

Also, I’ve seen a lot of these cucks say they actually hate tf2 as a game, and really, if you hate the game so much why are you still here in the fandom? And ruining it for the rest for us?

If you do feel unsafe, follow steps I mentioned above. Talk to people, block tags, block people, and mind your own business without policing others in what they can and cannot do. Unfortunately, the creators who do feel unsafe because of the toxic group cannot talk them, because the moment someone even slightly disagrees with them, or tries to respectfully discuss why they’re being “cancelled” the cucks start screeching like full-blown autists.

You’re not the law enforcement, you are (most likely) a minor who isn’t even allowed on tumblr in the first place, and who has no idea how the internet, or fandom spaces in specific, even work.

Fucking hell I miss 2014 Tf2 fandom sometimes. 

~~

I hope this ramble makes sense, and again I’m sorry for making this so long.

And I’m sorry for posting drama again, I don”t like it either, and i usually have a lot of patience, but after a few years of this shit, i have come to reach my boiling point, and i just snapped, I’m sorry.

I sometimes refer to the cucks as you, idk why, but just now that isn’t referring to you anon.

Hopefully this will be the last of drama/discourse for now.

Thank you for reading, have a good day. 

-pop 

[wandering-dogs]

Hi! I hope this is ok to ask, but why'd you pick a BC to be your service dog? Definitely not judging, because I've been really strongly considering it myself, but everyone tells me that BCs are generally too sensitive for public access!

Oh boy, I just managed to delete everything I wrote on this. =w=;Well. This is REALLY fucking long, so… Under the cut we go.TLDR; there were a lot of personal circumstances to think about between my disabilities, money, and timing, and it was moreso that a BC fit neatly into those than I necessarily wanted a BC from the beginning.

So! First off, I should mention, you’re absolutely correct. When I got Wander, this was a thing I was warned about. I specifically asked for a dog who rebounded off of scares quickly, and I got just that. He definitely recovers fast, but he is, absolutely, a sensitive dog. Moreso than I would have wanted.

But, there were a few things I had to think about that led me to getting a BC, even with the warning that they were sensitive.

1. I’ve seen a lot of successful border collie service dogs. Like, a surprising amount. This was one of the reasons I even started looking into them! That, combined with a few questions placed at a few different people, really made them seem like an option. Not necessarily, the ideal, but…

2. I don’t like the main service dog breeds. Or, rather, I hate living with them. I’ve owned labs and golden retrievers, and I really, truly, did not want to have to live with another. I think they’re great dogs! I think all my friends should have one! But I know myself, and I know that it would not be fair to me or my dog to get one of those two breeds. Even if they have a higher chance of success, what would that have mattered if I was constantly getting annoyed at things that are perfectly normal for those breeds? Poodles, which were another option, I just didn’t know enough about. There’s a lot of grooming that goes into them for one, which I have no experience in (though I’d love to learn) and I know nothing about their temperaments other than they are retriever-y dogs. Which is why I ended up vetoing them to be on the safe side.

3. An organization was likely out of the question. I don’t know enough about organizations and how they should run to tell a good one from a mediocre one, to start. Then there’s also that they normally choose breeds that I just simply don’t get along with. But the real kicker is that I really couldn’t locate one that would work with me. I’m autistic and have PTSD along with some other mental issues. Finding an organization that works with autistic adults? Near impossible. I, to this date, have not been able to locate one that looks decent. And PTSD ones are mostly geared towards veterans, which I am not. The other issue is time frame; I did not have a ton of waiting time.

4. So, I was majorly depressed at the time. Like, sleeping for days on end, not getting out of bed, angry, depressed. This was partially due to processing multiple layers of trauma! The main issue however was that I hit an autistic breakdown. Think of it as a mental break. I couldn’t read for several years after this happened, for example. I still, to this day, have some days where I cannot read more than a sentence at a time without losing the ability altogether. Typing up a paragraph? This whole thing that you’re currently reading? That was a pipe dream for me at the time. And for someone who spent their whole like from age 4 (yes, four) to 19 reading chapter book upon chapter book a day to cope? That was a devastating loss. I have still not been able to read as many books, but I’m improving! (for reference, I’m currently 23)

4.5. Animals are my life. At the time, we had lost our old rescue lab, and just gotten Simon, who had settled in beautifully. I’d intended to see if he would work out as a service dog, but was told no immediately (family dog, not YOUR dog), and wasn’t allowed to work with him. This meant his anxiety worsened because I couldn’t continue his socializing, and by the time they realised I really needed a service dog, it was too late for Simon to have a chance. (He’s also protective, so it wouldn’t have worked out anyways most likely) But, I was depressed, in bed, and had no purpose. Caring for a puppy would force me out of bed. I knew this, my mum knew this, and so it just kind of… It didn’t have a rush or timeline. I was willing to wait. But it definitely was something I couldn’t just sit around and wait years for either.

5. Originally, I’d planned on getting a Berger Blanc Suisse. And in all honesty, I still plan on getting one! I still think they would be better suited to my needs, and I certainly prefer the look and size of them! But, I couldn’t find a good BBS breeder near me, and shipping/flying out was likely not an option either. Now that I know more of where to look, I have my eye on a few, but… That’s neither here nor there.

6. I was worried that the dog would wash out. I couldn’t be sure that I would be able to afford regular training, as I am paid based off of commissions, and knew my parents wouldn’t make it a priority (i was correct). This meant that there was a pretty decent chance that the dog would wash out, because I was the only one who’d be training him. I didn’t really have any local dog training friends, all I had was some practice on Simon and a plethora of videos and research. Which meant that the dog washing out had to be taken into account from the start. I’m not a person who would be able to rehome a dog I raised as my own, though I understand why and how others do. But I definitely needed some sort of backup plan. Border collies are good at sports, make decent pets in case the dog washed out into an ESA, and yet also were okay service dog prospects! Not ideal, but it was one of the closest I could find to an ideal dog. A little bit of sensitivity seemed like a decent trade off for a dog who I knew I could do a ton of things with, even if my plans well through.

7. I’d been looking into BC’s already, more as a backup plan if I couldn’t locate a BBS breeder that would/could work with me, when I got a recommendation towards a BC breeder. I went in, looked at her page, looked at her dogs, joined her pup group and poked around, and finally sent her a message, asking if she was going to have any future breedings that would supply a dog with the temperament I needed. She messaged back saying she had a puppy there already who fit, and we worked out a discount contract. I’d already had some money saved up between commissions and some donations, and my parents offered to cover the rest of the cost. After that, its history.

I’m sure I forgot something, but that’s… a lot of info anyways.

I want to be very clear though, now that I’m at the end.

I don’t regret getting Wander. I am not on good terms with his breeder anymore, after a lot of drama, but I do know a lot of people who own her dogs, and like them very well. I love Wander a lot, and he really was the perfect dog for me at the time. I don’t know if I’d change any of my choices if I had the chance; I can’t claim to know that.He’s not perfect. I’m not perfect. I call him a service dog in training still because I feel that he very much is. I can’t say for sure that I’d wash him out. He has flaws, and I am afraid that they’re worse than I think. But when given the opportunity to act out or be afraid? He doesn’t. He constantly surpasses my expectations.He does have a few issues caused by my dad when he was a puppy; Barking at strangers, for example, or people leaning over him, which makes him a bit nervous.He also is not a perfect dog because I’m not a perfect trainer. With the right experience, I think Wander would have already been a fully fledged service dog. But I don’t have that experience; I couldn’t give him that.

If you wanted reasons to go for a border collie as a service dog, there are plenty.They make great dogs if they wash out. They pay attention to you. They’re ready to go whenever you want or need to. They aren’t grooming heavy. They’re not as talkative as some other breeds (Wander for example is near silent). They’re gorgeous, multipurpose dogs.But there are just as many, if not more reasons to go with a golden, or a lab, or a poodle.So my advice, unsolicited as it might be, is to make sure that your reasons, however many there are, are weighed correctly. I had fewer reasons to go with a border collie, but they were more important reasons to me. They weighed more than the reasons I could have chosen another breed.

Next time, I doubt I’ll get a border collie. But for me, with the timing and other concerns I had? A border collie, especially Wander, was the perfect choice.

I’d also definitely rather have a trainer next time, but I’d also have rather had one this time too.

[azuremist]

So, this post will dip its toes into some of The Discourse™, because today, I will be talking about something I found in the Professor Layton fandom that made me want a Burger King pissy meal. This may not be entirely coherent, as I am a very emotional person, but then again, neither are any of my posts, really. In case any of you are wondering, this is 100% okay to reblog, but if you aren’t an abuse survivor or have PTSD, don’t clown around on this fucking post. This is under a ‘read more’ because, believe me, you do not want this to be clogging up your dash. As many of you know, I’m autistic, so when I’m passionate about something, I tend to infodump, so this may be quite long.

 This post will also be covering possibly triggering topics, so please read at your own risk.

 Now, this post will be about a blog entirely irrelevant to this, except for the fact that it is where this whole thing is happening. I will not be tagging that blog, because I do not think the moderator of the blog is at fault or anything, they just happen to be a confession blog where people put their opinions on; opinions which I will be talking about today. But for anyone interested in seeing the posts, they’re @/professorlaytonconfessions. Obviously, don’t witchhunt, but I’d hope you all would know that by now.

 So lately, as anyone following that blog may know, the hot topic of discussion is how Luke’s parents are portrayed as abusive in the Professor Layton fandom so that Luke can be portrayed as having PTSD/being adopted by Hershel, and how that is apparently a bad thing. Which, allow me to clarify: if you do not portray Clark and Brenda that way, that is totally fine. What is not fine is the way that these people react to an abuse survivor saying that they portray Luke’s parents that way to cope.

So, here is the original post in question:

 (“Luke’s parents are not abusive. Clark and Brenda Triton ARE NOT ABUSIVE. You can say Luke was adopted by Hershel or whatever but the Tritons aren’t and never were abusive.”)

 This, from what I can tell, appears to be the first post on this matter. And, while it isn’t as bad as some of the stuff we’ll be seeing later, there is some stuff to unpack. Mainly, their language in saying that people can do one thing (say Luke was adopted by Hershel), but can’t do another (portray them as abusive). Can it be frustrating if a fandom misrepresents your favorite characters consistently? Of course it is!! I’m not saying it’s not! But what I am saying is that you can’t tell people how they can and cannot portray characters. It’s their choice. If you do not like it, then look for content of the Tritons elsewhere. Or, make it yourself! Everyone has the power to make the exact kind of content they want to see, if they just make it themselves. And if you don’t think of yourself as talented, commission somebody to write or draw it! Freelance artists need the money, you want the content… It’s a win-win.

 However, a different anon replies with this confession:

“You guys can say that Clark wasn’t abusive in canon, and I guess I’ll agree. But fictional characters can be whatever we want, and some people want to project onto Luke and his relationship with his parents. Don’t make abuse victims feel bad for projecting themselves onto fictional characters.”

 And this? This is a perfectly reasonable statement. It is true that abuse survivors can project onto Luke’s relationship with his parents, and it is understandable that, as such, they may get upset when seeing a post that (as we just covered) tells people what they can and cannot do with these characters. People, especially people with trauma, project onto characters so much that it has become practically a meme, of sorts, especially in the artist/writing community. I would know, as I do this a lot, as well. So, while the tone of this post reads to me as slightly more frustrated than I initially was upon reading the original post, it’s honestly not a good feeling when somebody criticisms your healthy coping mechanisms just because they don’t like how you portray a character; especially if, like me, you struggled for a long time with unhealthy coping mechanisms before finding this one.

 And while I wish this was the end, and this could just be a nice post about how traumatized people cope, someone decided to send in the coldest, most brain-dead take here today, in my opinion:

“my good dude, a fictional character may be a fictional character but they are still a… character. that’s literally the meaning of the word. they’re not blank slates. as someone who really adores luke’s parents, this is just really awful and pretty dismissive, please just move your projections elsewhere.”

 Now, this is so much to unpack that I feel tempted to throw away the whole damn suitcase. But okay, sure, let’s take a crack at it. Someone replied, to an abuse survivor, saying that projecting onto these fictional characters to cope with their literal trauma, by saying that their healthy coping mechanism is ‘just really awful’. Why? Because they really adore the characters, of course! That’s more important than an abuse survivor learning to heal from what horrible thing traumatized them! Of course! Yes, perfectly reasonable. (For those of you who have trouble reading it, that was sarcasm.) And then, immediately followed that insensitive remark with an almost doubly insensitive remark: ‘Just move your projections elsewhere.’ This truly shows how much this particular person cares about how two characters are portrayed over how a trauma survivor feels. The utter lack of respect to say, ‘Just move your projections elsewhere,’ to a real person with PTSD trying to cope, just because they dislike seeing fictional people get portrayed as bad people, is lacking empathy in every sense.

 For those who do not understand, allow me to make a comparison. Imagine a soldier with PTSD, who has a service dog to stop them from having a panic attack in public. Their service dog helps them cope with their trauma, and makes them feel safe. Now imagine that they took their service dog to their favorite public place. Perhaps a diner they went to when they were younger, someplace that comforts them… And someone in the restaurant came up to them and said, ‘As someone who hates dogs, this is awful and pretty dismissive. Please just take your canine elsewhere.’

 Now this may seem like an extreme comparison, but let me tell you, as someone who has both PTSD and a service dog: it’s not, really. Either way, you’re calling the way someone copes with their trauma awful for wanting to exist in a place (the diner, the Professor Layton fandom) where they can feel safe.

 Now, let’s just move on from that bordering-on-ableist post, because there are still more things to go. Here is the next post:

“This isn’t aimed at abuse survivors… it’s more that there are so many artists in the fandom (a lot of popular ones) who push for this headcanon that the Tritons were horrible parents and Luke should stay with Layton instead. (Some artists outright refuse to draw the Tritons??? What?) As a fan of the Triton family, it makes me feel bad… no one ever projects these kind of headcanons onto a character who deserves it, like Descole (the one who ACTUALLY tried to hurt Luke) or Randall ect.”

 Okay, so first. ‘This isn’t aimed at abuse survivors, it’s more… so artists’. Implying that artists can’t be abuse survivors? Yes, this even includes ‘a lot of the popular ones’. Just because someone doesn’t say they have PTSD does not mean that they do not have it. You are not, and never will be, entitled to personal information, and that includes diagnosis. The exact artists you are making this vent about may very well be an abuse survivor, but you just don’t know. You shouldn’t have to know to decide whether or not someone is ‘valid enough’ to portray a certain character a certain way. Same goes for people who refuse to draw the Tritons all together. I’m going to say it again: you are not entitled to personal information, and that includes why someone may not want to draw a certain character.

 And, you feel bad? How bad do you think the traumatized people who are drawing this stuff feel? This is just like the autism moms who say stuff like, “But their autism is so hard on me!”

And, as for why they don’t project these headcanons onto Descole and Randall… Maybe it’s because they were abused by their parents specifically, and want to make Luke go through the exact same thing they did. Maybe they just like Descole and Randall more than the Tritons. But then again, as I’ve said: you are NOT! Entitled! To personal! Information!!

“people’s headcanons, preferences and interpretations are not a personal attack. people like and dislike the same things and that’s okay. don’t take someone disliking something you like personally bc I can guarantee it’s not personal.”

 This one is easily the most tolerable of everything we’ve seen, but there are still certain things I’d like to point out. Particularly, ‘Don’t take someone disliking something you like personally.’ Because, for abuse survivors, it isn’t as simple as a matter as ‘liking’ or ‘disliking’. It’s how you cope. It’s how you feel safe. Fictional characters mean so much to people with mental illnesses and/or disabilities, so of course we may take it personally if you decide to tell us how we can enjoy them. And calling coping mechanisms ‘liking something’ seems to be infantilizing the issue quite a bit. But with that being said, again, this isn’t too terribly bad. Unlike this next one, which is, yet again, just a god-awful, brain-dead take.

“i feel like an issue in this fandom is that often artists who get popular have these awful headcanons (like luke’s parents being abusive.) and because those artists are popular it feels like their hcs are EVERYWHERE and people copy them just to get in their good books. when in truth they’re probably just a vocal minority’

 And here we have, again, the return of the assumption that artists (even these ‘popular artists’ that you are trying so desperately to blame) do not have PTSD. Just, assumptions everywhere. We also see the return of the descriptor ‘awful’ to describe how abuse victims cope, which is just… Well, you know. And this particular post leaves me with so many questions! Most of them of the ‘how do you know who and who isn’t traumatized’ variety. “How do you know that artists, even popular artists, aren’t abuse victims?” “So, is what you’re proposing that abuse victims just don’t ever make vent art involving these characters? Or, at least, not post them anywhere?” “How do you know that the people presumably ‘copying the popular artists’ aren’t abuse survivors, either?” There are quite a large amount of assumptions being made here, and it’s just frustrating to see. Anybody can be traumatized, anybody can be trauma victims trying to cope. But, also, say it with me now: YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO PERSONAL INFORMATION, TO SEE WHO AND WHO ISN’T ‘VALID ENOUGH’ TO PORTRAY A CHARACTER A CERTAIN WAY.

 And, with that final post, we are up to date with all of the current posts on the matter. Now, allow me to remind you that ALL OF THOSE POSTS WERE IN RESPONSE TO AN ABUSE SURVIVOR SAYING THAT THEY USED LUKE AND THE TRITONS TO COPE WITH THEIR TRAUMA. Every time someone insinuated that no artists had trauma, called the headcanon ‘awful’, all of that, was in response to a literal, real-life traumatized person. Because… What? They portrayed a character in a bad way? So they should just find a whole new coping mechanism, and ditch this one that works, just because you, a stranger on the internet, told them to?

 So you may be asking yourself, “Azure, I have read 2,000 words of your ragetyping. What is the point of all of this?’ Well, my friend, besides just getting all of this out of my system, I think the point of this can be summarized quite concisely by a post made by @/your-fave-has-ptsd: “It is far more important for us (people with trauma) to see ourselves in the media than it is for us to stay true to canon.”

 So, if you put how a fictional character is portrayed over abuse survivors’ feelings (and, again, I must reiterate: you don’t know who does and doesn’t have PTSD), then maybe you should really reevaluate your priorities. If you don’t like how someone portrays Luke’s relationship with his parents, maybe just make the content that you want to see yourself, and block those who make the content you do not want to see. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[storysongandstars]

Let’s Talk About Gripps

So I feel like Gripps gets the least attention out of the Rowdy 3, which is understandable since he’s really the quietest and most in the background of them. But sometimes I’ll notice something about him that seems so surprising and so interesting and I feel like the fandom’s general perception of him just doesn’t do him full justice. It takes a lot more work to understand Gripps than it does the other rowdy boys, but I decided it was time for me to put in that work. After rewatching every scene with Gripps in it here’s what I noticed: 

When Gripps does talk he seems to spend a lot of time stating the obvious. It’s most apparent here (I do not know what ADR is but apparently Max wrote it so, canon?) and when he and the others first get raised up out of the floor in Blackwing. At first this may make it seem like he takes longer to realize what’s going on around him, and while that may at least be sometimes true I think it has more to do with him just verbally cataloguing the situation, and there’s usually a reason for him to be saying what does. 

For example, when Amanda and Cross are arguing about whether or not they’re in Canada Gripps says: “We are in the woods right now.” That’s all he knows about the where they are so that’s his contribution to the conversation. This may also be his way of saying that it doesn’t really matter if they’re in Canada or not, they’re just in the woods, I get the impression that Gripps cares more about details than big picture stuff. When they were Blackwing for example, he knew exactly how many seconds they’s been there but didn’t think to translate that knowledge into the context of days, and he might not even have known how to. 

I want to make it clear though that I’m not saying that Gripps is dumb, he’s just more focussed on small-scale than large-scale, and I’d say he’s probably more likely to consider the implications of the details he notices than the others are. When Amanda is the van with them he’s the one to ask her if she saw “anything cool” because he noticed that her eyes “went all funny” (wait was that line like a secret future-reference to the Mandelbrot Eyes that we saw a few episodes ago, we never really see much of what Amanda’s eyes look like when she’s having a vision because we’re seeing the vision, sorry this is getting off topic)

Speaking of Gripps and Amanda, when the rowdies show up at the grocery store to save Amanda from her attack and the assholes filming her Gripps is pissed. Cross might be first out out of the van yelling but Gripps is the first one to throw something at the guys’ car and then he actually head-buts one of them. This is the only time we see one of the Rowdy 3 hurt someone who isn’t one of show’s main antagonists (Men of the Machine, Blackwing, Kellum Knights). When the Rowdy 3 are fulfilling their role as The Cavalry they usually get put up against armies or at least direct threats to the heroes that can’t be handled alone, otherwise they stick to property damage and leave people alone. This is the only time we see any of the Rowdy three hurting a regular normal person (Cross and Vogel do grab the other guy but they just scare him and let him go). Gripps is...strange. I mean none of the Rowdy 3 seem normal but even compared to them Gripps gives off a vibe of ‘Different’. It’s likely that Gripps might have ended up in similar situations to this in the past and thus would have a personal reason to be especially mad at the people making fun of Amanda. It’s also worth noting that when Todd tries to stand between the Rowdy 3 and Amanda Gripps is the one to knock him down. 

But also, Gripss is probably the angriest out of all the rowdies overall. In the scene where Riggins shows up Gripps is the one to suggest that they beat him up “We should stomp his ass” and the one to directly threaten him “Your family’s gonna miss you too” and when Martin rushes forward to directly confront Riggins Gripps holds his hammer like he’s getting ready to swing it. Gripps is more loquacious in this scene than in any other (as someone who also talks more formally and elaborately when I’m angry I get it) and his voice sounds different as well. It’s harsher, rougher, every word sounds like a snarl. 

I’m sure though that this anger that Gripps has comes from the loving loyalty that all of the rowdies share. Gripps is the most physically affectionate with Vogel, we can even see him giving Vogel a piggy-back ride when they’re on their way to trash Todd’s apartment. He also paints Amanda’s fingernails after her fight with Todd and makes her smile. In Wendimore we see him tousling Amanda’s hair and (along with Cross) making sure Vogel gets a jacket. If any of the rowdies are maternal it’s definitely Gripps. 

He’s also artistic! He paints each of his fingernails a different bright color, he did Martin’s tattoo and probably Cross’ and his own as well. I’d bet he’s the one who wrote “OH NO”, “RUN”, and “ROWDY 3″ on their van.

In terms of fighting and weapons and vandalism Gripps either uses a sledgehammer or throws furniture or, as we see in the new stills, puts two cube helmets on his hands and presumedly smashes stuff hulk-style. He tends to favor stuff that can do more damage with fewer hits which kind of reflects his style of speech, when he does talk he gets his point across in only a few words. 

As I mentioned before Gripps is more strange than the other rowdies and I think he might be the most aware that people might see his being different in a negative light. I pointed out before how he seemed especially mad at the assholes making fun of Amanda and when Friedkin says he only needs to talk to “The one who talks normal” Gripps responds with “Aw shit, that isn’t me” and that seems to suggest that he’s been told before that his speech patterns are unusual. I’ve thought for a while now that Gripps is probably autistic, and while we don’t know anything about the rowdy boys’ lives before Blackwing or how long they were in Blackwing before the first breakout (Max please tell us anything I beg of you) I think it’s safe to assume that Gripps’ early life involved being treated as something of an outcast. Luckily he doesn’t seem to have internalized any of that negativity, at least not anymore. 

We do have one small clue as to Gripps past, the only clue we have to any of the rowdies’ pasts. When Riggins was trying to get them to go back to Blackwing he said “Your family misses you, Gripps”

“Your family misses you, Gripps”

I honestly don’t think there’s anything more mysterious or intriguing that Riggins could have possibly said. The only explanation I’ve been able to come up with is that Gripp’s parents or maybe other relatives that were responsible for him work for Blackwing. Either they were so dedicated to the cause that they were willing to let their own child be experimented on or...well...they might have been under the impression that it was for his own good. The lengths people will go to in order to normalize their atypical children are often horrifying. 

Just to end things on a better note, in episode six Gripps reacts to the craziness of Wendimore by saying “These things are so dumb, and I love it!” And honestly it’s an understandable reaction. Wendimore is weird and senseless and wild and honestly the rowdies are less out of place there than they are in the real world. I was starting to think that they might end up staying there but I guess Amanda’s mission to unite the Blackwing subjects and fix the universe means that’s not gonna happen. 

So that’s Gripps: Quiet, angry, caring, detail-focussed, strange, and deserving of a lot more attention from the fandom than he gets now. I hope this analysis helps with that. 

[sweettsubaki]

ok so apparently my step mother told my dad she thought I was trying to get between them?

And like.... is she serious? I'm the type of person that would take my resentment ro my grave rather than try to do something like that. Both because my dad's relationship has nothing to do with me - so far there don't seem to be any abuse patterns... slightly toxic ones but mostly because he has to be in between us and that's partly my fault. And because while I'm unable to confront others about how I feel due, in part to my social anxiety - also the fact that I'm a coward and a generally avoidant type of person-, I am waaaay too honest to be able to lie and manipulate to that point.

Lying about doing my homework or not having forgotten to pay my bills? sure. Going out of my way to break my dad's relationship? If I truly wanted to I'd just have lashed out once I couldn't hold it in... but it never even entered my mind.

Does she seriously believe I'd get in between my dad and someone who seem to generally make him happy?

I already have to try to calm things down because she got vexed two/three years ago when I said I wasn't a hugger and her thing about hugging every time you're in the same room was too much for me but I could do it like... at meal times or something like that (and apparently that was me rejecting her idea completely... smthg along the lines of "if you don't want to hug just forget the whole thing". Like I know that I'm not the most sensitive person and I tend to mess up, I usually can recognize those in the immediate aftermath but that one's not on me).

And it got worse every time... once I couldn't find a date to coincide with when they wanted to go to the Pays Basque to release my mom's ashes in the sea (my scheduled was too messy to be able to tell so far ahead and in the end I couldn't go) and she told me that they were going to do it because at least one person cared about my mom's last wishes... I'm still really really mad about that one and apparently she doesn't remember saying it so it's all in my head. Which, honestly was the point when I was done with her on her personal level btw because this was wrong on so many levels, one of them being that it was absolutely not my mom's last wishes and that something this dumb would soooo not be in even the top 50 list of her last wishes (my family's not good with this kinda stuff in general, I'm pretty sure my dad even forgot where his dad was burried, we're more of a...memento kind of grievers... graves and bodies? not really our thing).

Anyway she thinks the problem is that I'm too self centered (granted it is one of my flaws) so no matter what I'm the one who's at fault and I should just apologize and do what she wants.

I'm generally all for keeping the peace and avoiding confrontation. Hell I can often even admit that it's my fault if it'll make the other party leave me alone (unless it's something I'm hyper focusing on...then I won't) granted I usually insist that in a conflict there are two parties at fault even if one of them is more at fault that the other... I usually have issues with moral absolutes so I just try to nuance things a bit, like if I didn't answer you bc my phone was on airplane mode to save my battery then yeah it's kinda my fault bc I should have checked my phone sooner but if it's on airplane mode the call's just not gonna get through - it wouldn't either if the battery was dead anyway, so, mostly my fault, but not only because I don't think taking credit for smthg I had no control over is helpful to anyone... I usually leave it alone if the person's stubborn but I always at least try.

The thing is that she insists that everything is on me. I'm the one who doesn't help enough and who doesn't spend time with others and I should be considering their place as a 2nd home and I should feel safe to be myself there... except almost every single part of myself is problematic and I should just stop being the way I am and be better and the only reason I'm not healed from my anxiety/depression/whatever(apparently I might be autistic or have ADD) is because I don't want to... Like yeah I've used over 7000€ going to therapy over the years bc I don't want to feel better... it's totally not money I could have used for something I'd find interesting like books or travel or games or merchandising or food.

Seriously what do you want to say to that? My preferred reaction is "yikes let me go back to sleep and leave me alone, we'll each have our turn at having to deal with my dad". But my dad insisted that I continue the conversation because she's not feeling well (no kidding, she's suicidal... oh and she managed to get past her issues 'cause she fought for it... I'm sorry but I'm clearly not the only one with mental issues), so I tried, again, and I might try again if she contacts me directly. But now that? Like if the chance to reconcile had been slim before, now it's non existant unless something weird happens like aliens kidnapping me. This is such a bad understanding of my personality I don't even know where she could have even gotten the thought (I mean I have an idea but it's not linked to my behavior)

I honestly thought I had matured but I'm having flashbacks of my teens by thinking that dealing with people's feelings sucks and I should be allowed to just read and play and be left alone away from any and all conflict (Playing Ostrich? me? more likely than you think)

[aspiedistra]

Low Empathy - A Personal Perspective

I feel the aggressive urge to Rant abt autism things...don’t mind me...Negativity beyond this point...and probably not a lot of coherence. 

I am...So tired of some aspects of being autistic. I have accepted this as a part of me. When I first realised I was autistic I actually felt happy. Because for the first time I finally made sense. For the first time I truly BELONGED within a community of people (the autistic community) who would understand me and my experiences) 

And it’s not actually something I’d want to change about me, if I’m being honest and fair with myself. (In this moment, perhaps, because I’m hurting, and frustrated...but in general, no.) It’s not something that, if it ever could be “cured” I would want to be cured. Because I do not think that I, or any other autistic people, can, or need to be, fixed. 

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt sometimes. And you know, I’ve learned to deal with/am learning to deal with the more negative aspects that other people have talked about. The sensory issues, being overloaded, and melting down, I’m getting there with them. They suck. And they hurt. And they scare me sometimes, but I’m dealing with them. I’m dealing with the social aspects, the difficulties I have sometimes with figuring people out. I’m dealing with it all...But there’s one thing right now that’s causing me pain, and it’s ironically the thing that makes everyone assume that I feel nothing, and am a mindless, uncaring robot who goes through life utterly unhindered and unbothered by everything. 

I’m low empathy. 

Low empathy pretty much across the board. But I do care. I do feel. I do love. And I want to help the people I love. I don’t want them to be upset, or sad, or anxious, or scared. I want to help them. And I can’t. Because I feel like a big aspect of low empathy everyone overlooks is that, not only do I have a real struggle feeling what other people are/connecting with them on that level (which can be really fucking isolating while we’re on the subject) I have no idea how to comfort. I have no idea what to say. I have no idea what to do. 

Maybe someone with a better understanding of psychology and all that will tell me that I’ve got some wires crossed here, but for me, this feels like it’s directly linked in with my low empathy. 

If there’s a practical thing that can be done about someone else’s problem, I’ll do it. (Sometimes it’s done out of the compulsion because I feel I should help, but don’t have that kind of compassionate empathy necessary to jolt the feely part of my brain into helping, but the now pretty much instinctual ‘rules for passing’ part kicks in and does what needs done) but once there are no practical things I can do...I get stuck. 

In cases where the practical help is coming from a place of compulsion/vague sense of decency, it’s mostly okay. I feel kind of guilty, because I feel like I should FEEL things and want to like pat them on the back or something, but I pretty much get on with life, with just a hint of awkwardness and the feeling that something is a little bit missing. 

When it’s someone I love, though, when it’s someone i care about deeply who I know is hurting/sad/scared/whatever and I’ve either exhausted all the practical options or, worse, there were no practical options in the first place, that’s when I start wishing I was someone else.

 That’s when I start hurting. That’s when I start feeling hopeless, and helpless, and useless, and lost. That’s when I start feeling like another breed of being entirely. That’s when I start wishing that there was some way I could pierce this little bubble around me that stops me connecting on that level with other people. 

Where ‘that level’ is something I have never felt with anyone; I have only ever felt its absence. I have people that I love in my life. I know that I love them, I feel that I love them (and yes, I worried I would never experience that, would never know it, would never feel it for anyone, would never be able to. But I can. And I do). I trust them, I feel safe with them, I feel a kinship with them, I feel a connection to them...But I do not feel connected in that emotional way that empathy seems to bind people together. 

Most of the time it doesn’t really matter. Most of the time that little bubble between us is only a hair’s breadth wide. I’m happy, I’m loved, I’m safe. I know that. I know that they know it with me. That is enough. That is more than enough. 

But sometimes, the times when they’re upset, the times when they’re hurting and I don’t know what to do about it, when I can’t do anything about it...Those times it feels like this great, gaping expansive void. I feel like there’s a shit tonne of deep space between us, and that I might as well belong to an entirely different breed of being. 

And I WANT to do something. I want to help. I want it so badly that it hurts. And this is not something I can learn. This is not something I can change. Because even if I do, even if I can learn, even if someone was able to provide me with a list of actions to perform and things to say to deal with every single specific person, and every single specific problem...I still wouldn’t KNOW in my soul that I was doing the right thing, that I was truly helping, that I was acting on this strange instinctive impulse that everybody else seems to have to know how to fucking help the people that they love when they’re in pain. 

And that’s an awful thing to lack. It’s an awful thing to have only by the hole between you and someone you love where you know it’s supposed to be and can never find it. It’s an awful kind of helplessness to feel. And it’s not something I think anyone who hasn’t experienced it will ever truly understand.

 And I get so frustrated whenever I see representations of people (autistic or not) with low empathy. because we so often get shown as these unfeeling robots, who go around hurting people, or being utterly indifferent to the sadness of those around them, even when they’re aware of it, and feel no desire to help or do anything at all and...I don’t know. Maybe some people do feel that way? And I don’t want to undermine their experiences at  all but I’m willing to bet there are also a lot of lot of people like me who don’t have that. And know they don’t have that. And mourn the loss of it, and the inability to ever have it. And they WANT to help they just don’t know how and that kind of pain is something I will never be able to appropriately put into words. 

And of all the autistic things about me. And some of them are wonderful, they truly are, if I wasn’t autistic I don’t think I’d be here now. But all the things that are difficult I can deal with...because they only hurt me. The sensory issues, the overloads, the meltdowns, even the difficulties in social situations...They only affect me. They only hurt me. And this doesn’t. This hurts the people around me. This hurts the people I care most about. Because I feel like I’m not able to give them the level of emotional support that they deserve. Because other people can help them, other people can make them feel better, other people know what to do and what to say and I don’t. And that’s frustrating, and agonising, and terrifying all at the same time. And I hate it. In all honesty...I hate it. 

[ncfan-1]

Yes, I Am Southern, and No, You Do Not Get to Tell Me I’m Not

My relationship with my Southern identity is… complicated. I hate many things about living here, in small town Deep South U.S.A. I hate how insular it is, how pervasive the racism and queerphobia where I live is. Driving through the next town over is often an exercise in embarrassment because nine times out of ten, if I am looking for a Confederate flag, I will see one. I hate how judgey a lot of people are, how quick they are to write someone off for being less than immaculately polite. I hate how deep-red Republican my hometown is, and all that that represents. I hate how hostile a lot of people are towards anything that’s different from what they’ve grown up with, and how much they set themselves as being better than other, larger communities, like people who live in cities don’t care about family and community just as much as they do.

But… if anyone tries to tell me that I’m not really Southern, I do get very bristly and defensive, probably because, weirdly, I’ve always been made to feel like I don’t belong here.

I’m ace. I’m queer, in a place where being queer is about as far from widely-accepted as it is possible to be in the United States. I’m queer in a place where I never feel as though I can be safely out as queer, where I’m always going to hide a huge part of myself from everyone around me in the interest of my own physical safety. When I’m at my grandparents’ house, I go to church with them and listen to the preacher scream about how the gays are going to burn in hell for all eternity while the congregation says ‘amen’ (Way to love thy neighbor, guys). Even if I otherwise fit in here, this by itself would likely be enough to make me feel deeply alienated from my community, because this integral part of my identity is rejected and forced down into hiding.

I am possibly (I’ve never been tested, but this is the general consensus around my family) autistic. Like I said, I’ve never been tested, so please don’t quote me on this, but at the very least, I have a hard time reading subtle tones and social cues, which has historically made social interactions like navigating a minefield, and even now, I cringe away from social gatherings a lot of the time because there are so many people who judge you so harshly for social gaffes and slip-ups. There are so many people who think being mildly rude is literally worse than being, say, a violent criminal, if the violence is of a certain sort.

For reasons no one, let alone myself, understands, I don’t speak with any kind of a Southern accent. I’ve been singled out for this, had people assumed that I couldn’t possibly be from the South I’ve lived in all my life because of the way I talk. People always ask me where I’m from and they’re always so surprised when I say I’m from here, because, oh, listen to how she talks; she couldn’t possibly be from here!

My politics make me an outsider. A lot of people think supporting a woman’s right to choose makes you a baby killer, and me being a Democrat makes me ‘the enemy’ to a lot of the Republicans here. I know that’s not an experience unique to the South, but it sure hasn’t helped me feel like I belong here, when I have to hide my political beliefs too.

On a petty note, I can’t stand a lot of the Southern ‘staple’ foods. I don’t like grits; I don’t like sweet potatoes. I don’t like peaches, I don’t like green tomatoes, I don’t like okra, I don’t like hush puppies most of the time, and I despise tea in all its forms.

My mother likes to say I’m not really a Southerner, I’m really just a Yankee, because of two years I spent in Virginia that I can’t even remember anymore. It hurts. It’s always hurt. Whenever she says it, I always hope it will be the last time, that maybe this time she’ll pick up on something, that maybe she’ll magically realize how much it hurts me to hear her say that, but nothing doing. Hell, she did it again tonight, and when I finally tried to tell her to stop, that it hurt me, these things didn’t even register to her because she was too wrapped up in how my trying to tell her that something she said hurt me embarrassed her in front of others. ‘Oh, it’s just a joke. Why can’t you see it’s just a joke?’ Why, yes, Mother; I know it’s a joke. That’s precisely why it hurts so much, that you looking me dead in the eye and telling me I don’t belong here is your idea of a joke, and that nobody else sees anything wrong with it either. That’s the big joke of my life, that I feel like an outsider in the only place I’ve ever lived, that I don’t belong in the only place I’ve ever lived.

So yeah, I really do feel like an outsider here, even though I have literally never lived anywhere else. This may explain my fondness for characters in fiction who find themselves outsiders, exiles and the like; I do feel a certain kinship with them. I spend most of my time feeling alienated, feeling like I don’t belong, but if someone tries to tell me I don’t belong, it does make want to snarl at them. Part of it is just spite, just that I don’t feel like I belong, but this is still the only place I’ve ever lived and I’m not going to let someone tell me I don’t belong, I’m not going to let them take it away from me. Part of it is that, I don’t know, maybe I’d actually like home to be the sort of place where I could belong, some day. No matter how much I hate large parts of it, no matter how much I feel like an outsider here, the South is the only place I’ve ever called home. That does mean something, even if what it means doesn’t always feel good.

[jatamansi-arc]

So, the movie Split. Let’s talk about that. And before I dump my spoiler-laden commentary about it beneath the cut, let me say this: about 60% of the problems I have with this movie were about how the clips they used manipulated the previews into a ‘Villain with DID Kidnaps Some Kids!!! CRAZY STUFF HAPPENS YEEHAW!’

Completely ignoring all my critiques for a second, what Split is actually about, is an allegorical tale on how complicated the nature of trauma is on the human psyche. But, with that, I’m gonna cut the rest.

Fair warning, talk of sexual abuse and violence and mental illness below. 

The trick with the trailer, is that what it shows you are exclusively things that happen within the first 20 minutes of the film. This doesn’t absolve it of any of its actual problematic elements, which trust me, there are still a lot of them. Like... I don’t even know where to start levels of ‘a lot of them.’ But I think if it had been more honest about the content of the film, people would have had a much better idea of what to expect going in. It plays on the stigma to get you in. That’s gross as fuck. But at least it’s not like... two hours of torture porn, either?

Like I said, I wanted to watch it without giving any money, because I’m trained as a historian and it’s like... they really push that whole ‘come to your own conclusions with what the source gives you’ thing. Which, while we’re on that subject?

What this film is actually about, is trauma, triggers, and respect (or that lack thereof.) The writing of the DID is ridiculous and grossly problematic, and I won’t sit and sing praises of M. Night for it. You’re not gonna find that here. There were a lot of things that could have been done differently -- much better -- so that we didn’t have to rely on an already stigmatized population to tell the message the story is getting at. Because while this film exists as an allegory, and a metaphor in and of itself, most people are too oblivious to read between the cracks to see any of that. Just ‘PERSON WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES IS TOTS CRAY AND KIDNAPPING WHEEE!’

So, I’m gonna just lay out what the trailer doesn’t as bluntly as possible. 

The actual breakdown of the character of Kevin is this: beginning in late toddlerhood, Kevin begins to be viciously abused and beaten by his mother. This trauma eventually results in a split, to which Dennis is the first, who studies and learns what behaviours will keep Kevin’s mother at bay and develops characteristics in line with several anxiety disorders. As they grow older, Dennis, despite protecting Kevin from his mother’s abuse, begins to show problematic paraphilias. How the rest of his “alters” come about is not said in film, but what is later implied is that, once Kevin learns what are healthy coping mechanisms are from his therapist (before the professional portion of the relationship goes belly up, but I’ll get to that later), that his “healthier minded” alters do not allow Dennis to front for this reason. Nor do they allow Patricia to either, who is another alter, because of her manipulative and aggressive behaviour.

The alters (which I’m not going to put in quotes beyond the above, because it’s 3am, but assume they are there) you see in the trailers? Those are Dennis, Patricia, and Hedwig (who is apparently nine and easily impressionable.) Who they don’t show, but you see in the film, are a few other alters in diary entries that last about 30 seconds to a minute a piece:

Jade: Shown that this alter has diabetes and has to take insulin. Their journal entry is complaining about how hard it is to obtain insulin, because doctors refuse to take their condition seriously at all. Barry: Enjoys fashion and “has control” of the system. Or used to. Seems to be extroverted and is the one that their therapist seems to have most contact with. Is coded as being a gay, overly feminine guy very overtly, which ughhhhhh. Orwell: You see this alter twice and literally, speaking as an autistic person, if Orwell is not meant to be read as autistic, I will eat my own shoe. Obsessed with history and Islam, from what I gathered.

That said? Here’s some other relevant... idk. Relevant something:

#1) The girls Dennis kidnap, outside of Casey, are the very same girls that ended up triggering Kevin into this downward spiral. Doesn’t make what happens to them okay, and it certainly doesn’t explain the behaviour of a grown ass man, but there you go. They ‘prank’ Kevin, triggering him and forcing him to confront his traumas without prior warning. This fractures the system he has in place and allows for Dennis to take control, and sick of being mistreated, him and Patricia set about unleashing ‘The Beast.’

The Beast, by the way, is literally the personification of the anger and resentment Kevin feels at being abandoned by his father, because I imagine it meant many more years of abuse that could have been perhaps been avoided. He exists not in the ‘room with the chairs’ where all the alters seem to metaphorically sit, but in Kevin’s memories of the train station his father left him at. Basically, I don’t think he’s meant to be an “alter” insomuch as just a feral combination of trauma and rage that wasn’t properly treated or healed because the therapist was too busy preening over her own career.  

( Which, well, I was abandoned with my stepfather by my mother and abused sexually/physically/mentally/etc. repeatedly for years by him -- which lead to partial fragmenting of my personality -- and honestly, I think that’s the hardest part of my trauma/PTSD component to reconcile with? So maybe that’s why I’m reading it that way. )

#2) Casey is a survivor of sexual abuse and the talk of being ‘pure’ and ‘impure’ has less to do with what those words mean and more to do with the fact that The Beast is relating that she understands what trauma is capable of doing to someone. Literally, he spares her because ‘oh, you get it.’ Then he walks away, laughing. Alrighty. If you say so. 

The good thing that comes about from this, is that by tearing her clothes in the climax (which you think is kind of pedo-y fanservice at first)  exposes the scars she has from years of dealing with her own abusive guardian. They are noticed by the medical staff in the ambulance, and through her reluctance to go with her uncle, it is implied that they take her somewhere safe for her to recover. Which may be the only positive of this entire fucking movie, and even then it’s like jesus christ. 

#3) The therapist in this is hella flawed. Like she sits and glorifies her patients as showing us what the mind/body connection is capable of and at first you think maybe there is going to be a decent rebuttal to the fuckery of how it’s portrayed in Kevin at some point. Nope. She projects her own problems and desire to be recognized for greatness onto her patients and Dennis in particular misreads this as cues about the Beast. 

( I actually liked the therapist character for all the wrong reasons because I recently had a fucking psychologist who started projecting her feelings about her daughter onto me as a patient and how confusing and frustrating it was for me to navigate as someone who had been recently diagnosed with PTSD and had literally just survived almost being strangled to death a few months prior. )

So, that said? Is it a good movie? The story is weak and problematic as fuck but also not as literal as the trailer implies but also like worse in other ways? The upsides are that the acting is actually good and so is the cinematography. Literally probably the entire reason I sat through the whole thing and didn’t get bored at the 45 minute marker. That and I literally was confused for two hours by how well James pulls off a South Philadelphian accent (I lived in Camden for awhile, so.)

Basically? I’ve seen worse film-wise, and the acting is definitely like 10 Beefy James McAvoy Arms, but the marketing relied on the whole ‘mentally ill people are always violent’ thing to bait you, but then gives you a bunch of other problematic shit to irritate you with until you, too, develop Beefy James McAvoy arms and an urge to smash shitty portrayal of mental illness in 2017. I would see it to draw your own conclusions, because I’m a big one about doing that sort of thing, but I would further suggest not paying for it if that’s possible. 

Side note: Wasn’t Taylor-Joy in The VVitch? I swore I recognized her terrified face from some other movie I’d seen recently. Idk. Speaking of movies that are basically torture porn. D:

[pinkpeccary]

all the trans ask game asks !!!!!!!!!!! or any five, if that's too many !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^-^

under the cut bc long

1. How did you choose your name?i still use my birth name irl, because it’s familiar and i like it, but i use ollie on here bc it’s the name i would change to if i changed. i like it because it’s gender neutral, leaning masc, but could easily not be. it actually started as a name for characters i made up, and eventually i realized i liked it enough to use it for myself.

2. What gives you the most dysphoria? (Acknowledging that not all trans people experience dysphoria)probably when people assume me to be a girl and refer to me as such. like it bothers me less if the person knows it’s not totally accurate, and it depends on the circumstances and the person and the word they use (i’m pretty okay with girlfriend or sister), but that’s the big one.

3. Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?i’d say more social, the physical stuff comes and goes and i can control for a lot of it with clothing

4. What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric?idk really, i think i just try to distract myself by being around people i trust and just doing something else to get my mind off it. if it’s a physical thing i might change clothes to something that makes it a little less strong.

5. What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?junior year of high school, when my trans male friend was talking to our theater teacher about the complications of passing and being out and shit and mentioned demigenders as a complicating factor in that it’s not as black and white binary as people think

6. When did you realize you were transgender?probably a few months after i started thinking about it, the process was a little weird because i went from “i’m a girl” to “i’m a demigirl” to “i’m agender” and so on, but yeah

7. What is your favorite part of being transgender?this isn’t true of every trans person, but personally i find it very freeing from gender roles and biases. because i’m fluid and have difficulty conceptualizing gender in the first place, i can kind of just respond to any “x gender does this” thing with either “that applies to me” or that it doesn’t, regardless of the gender they name. 

8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?i think i’d self-describe as genderfluid. idk what between, but i think it is fluid and it feels different from day to day. i can’t easily conceptualize how gender works, so most of my descriptions are based of vague feelings. lately i’ve been leaning masc (gender-wise, not necessarily presentation-wise).

9. How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed?i talked to my mom about it a bunch during the process and that was fine. i didn’t really tell anyone in high school because it never came up and i didn’t know how to bring it up. at college it’s fairly straightforward, it’s customary to share pronouns when you meet people here, so i say i use whatever pronouns and that’s that. i’ve only really gotten into the details of it with [k tag].

10. What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been?haven’t really tried it, i don’t really get bottom dysphoria

11. What are your experiences with binding or tucking?binding works somewhat. i don’t like that i have to wear a shirt over the binder to really get flat; if i just wear the binder it doesn’t look as smooth.

12. Do you pass?i mean the obvious response to this is “as what?” i don’t read male bc i’m smol, have a round face and a girl’s name, etc. in terms of dress i think i’m probably read as queer in some way, because of short hair and occasional “boy” clothes, but idk what people think my gender is by looking.

13. What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?i want top surgery. idk how that’ll work, because i’ve been trying to get it arranged for this summer but being home is a bad experience so idk how that’s going to work. also i haven’t looked into this much but getting rid of the ability to be pregnant would be A+.

14. How long have you been out?since i got to college pretty much, so about 8 months or so

15. What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?so the ones i can remember off the top of my head, in no particular order: demigirl, caedogirl, commogirl, agender, agenderflux, nonbinary girl, stargender

16. Have you ever experienced transphobia?only microaggressions, like people using overly binary language or assuming me to be a girl, etc.

17. What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?my college has all gender neutral bathrooms. elsewise it depends on where i am, if i feel safe doing so i’ll use whichever bathroom is free/closer because i feel like i can identify with both binary genders to the same extent in that case

18. How does your family feel about your trans identity?my mom’s supportive, so’s my dad as far as i can tell, idk if my sister knows and i don’t care, my brother definitely does not know bc i’ve never really explained it to him (and it would be hard bc he’s got some cognitive issues and is still kinda young so it would take a while) but he’s wonderful and i’m sure he would be fine with it

19. Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?i wouldn’t. i don’t want to read as binary in either direction.

20. What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?i wish i could’ve figured this out when i was like 10. i had major dysphoria all through puberty and ignored it on the basis that it was “probably just body image issues” and that i had “more important things to worry about.” i wish i could’ve known this was a possibility then so i maybe could’ve done something earlier.

21. Why do you use the pronouns you use?i use it pronouns. i don’t like binary pronouns bc i’m not binary, and i don’t like neopronouns bc they’re too weird for me (not that they’re bad, i just don’t personally like them). singular they sits weird in my head because it uses verbs in plural tense, even as a singular word. it is my compromise for that, as a singular gender neutral pronoun. it also has the added benefit of feeling right for when i want to distance myself from personhood, which i do as a mentally ill / autistic thing sometimes.

22. Do your neurodivergencies affect your gender?absofuckinglutely. i can’t conceptualize it. i really like things to make sense bc #autism, and gender doesn’t make any fucking sense. 

23. What’s your biggest trans-related fear?i don’t really know. i guess maybe people not letting me be who i am? idk. i’m in a pretty good place wrt physical danger, bc i pass as my agab, live in a pretty liberal place, and am v white. so idk.

24. What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition?ignoring gendered clothing, stopped having periods, telling people i use any pronouns

25. What do you wish cis people understood?i want them to know what it’s like to not be certain in your gender. i can’t understand what that certainty feels like, but it seems really strong in most cis people (and some trans people as well) and i want them to understand that not everyone has that.

26. What impact has being trans affected your life?i mean it’s a major part of my identity, so probably a lot, but idk specifics. 

27. What do you do to validate yourself?i really like the phrase “i’m the prettiest boy.” i’ll usually say that in my head when i’m having a good day, or like when i’m getting dressed in the morning and i like my outfit (even if it’s a girly outfit). it’s not technically accurate, bc i’m not really a boy, but i would prefer to be read as a boy than a girl.

28. How do you feel about trans representation in media?it’s pretty shit. there’s a couple good reps, but mostly you don’t really see it. also nonbinary rep is absolutely terrible.

29. Who is your favorite trans celebrity?ngl the only one i know is laverne cox

30. Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?idk

31. How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?last semester i went to my college’s trans affinity space (this semester it conflicted with a class i’m taking). online i just kinda talk about my gender sometimes, i’m not really that involved.

32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?probably the same (autistic genderfluid), presenting boy-ish, etc.

33. What trans issue are you most passionate about?i have no passions 

(this is a lie i have many SpIns)

34. What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?whatever you id as and whatever you feel comfortable sharing is totally cool and you are rad

35. How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality?i mean i’d honestly say my gender identity is probably a symptom of my disability. aside from that i’ve got the thin white kid privilege in that i look like the stereotypical nonbinary. i’m fairly privileged in terms of trans stuff based on location, circumstances, appearance, etc, so yeah.

36. What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression?i wear what i feel like for the day. i like sundresses, and usually think of myself as more “boy in a dress” though it definitely doesn’t read that way. sometimes i wear more boys clothes, and i think i just read kind of butch rather than “boy”.

37. Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither?i lean masc on the basis of i’d rather err on that end of the spectrum. it’s like a balance between how i’m seen and how i feel, and the “girl” end already has a whole bunch of stuff, so i’m balancing it out by being more “boy”

38. What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?in big words it’s grayromantic acespike. it’s connected to my gender in the sense that it’s probably also a result of being autistic. i’ve only really been attracted to one person (my current bf), and i guess the only comment i’ll make is sometimes there’s an implication that i’m not gay enough, not because of being a-spec but bc the only person i’ve demonstrated attraction towards is the opposite binary gender from my agab. so. that’s a thing.

39. Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?i really don’t care. [d tag] isn’t, and he’s wonderful, so i don’t think it matters to me.

40. How did/do you manage waiting to transition?i just kind of distract myself. there’s only really one thing i want to do, and i’ve been living with dysphoria for long enough that i can kinda just wait it out until it happens.

41. What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things?tumblr

42. Do you interact with other trans people IRL?i have a bunch of trans friends (not so much in my immediate friend group) but yeah

43. Are you involved in any trans-related activism?no

44. Free space! Answer any question you want, or make up your own question to answer.i don’t have the spoons to come up with a question rn but this was fun