it's funny how most of the times i tell myself "i'm doing it just for attention" or that "i'm just faking it" or whatnot (i'm not diagnosed, i'll have my very first therapy session in two days, pretty anxious about it tbh but anyway) but literally i never talk to anyone about how i feel/my thoughts/my struggles/etc. and i actually have always kind of suffered from being considered "weird" because of my "quirks" or because i've never been as social as my peers and i went as far as self-convincing i was actually extroverted and enjoyed parties/social events in general when they literally make me anxious and i always try to look confident and pretend my awkwardness is just me being funny (i am actually funny tho lol) and i always try to pretend i'm "normal" (who defines normal anyway but okay) .
and anyway it's not like i saw some random post i related to and proclaimed to the world i'm autistic. i made my research and i think there could be the tiniest teeny possibility i might be autistic (tbh i don't feel comfortable with self-diagnosing exactly because i already feel like i'm pretending even if doesn't make any sense. i support people self-diagnosing when "people" isn't me lol).
sorry for the vent :") lately i've just been struggling with the duality of "accepting i have symptoms of autism even if i'm not diagnosed" and "shut up you're just pretending you have them for clout" (even if i know it doesn't make any sense and i'm just making myself feel worse than i actually should).
hello !! :)
i completely understand where you’re coming from. self-diagnosis is tricky to come to terms with, but it’s important to remember that it’s really okay
being self-diagnosed is okay, being formally diagnosed is okay, being self-suspecting is okay, it’s okay
you including yourself in this community isn’t excluding anybody else, there’s room for all us and more some
i get that it’s a lot easier to support self-diagnosed people and go “yeah ! you’re valid !” while also thinking of yourself as a fraud because you are also self-diagnosed, but it’s really fine
at the end of the day, we’re all just autistic people, and some got a doctor to agree with them when they say “i’m autistic !” which is super cool, but another super cool thing is hearing someone say “i’m autistic !” and just them agreeing with themselves
either way, is totally fine
let yourself breathe for a moment, ‘cause at the end of the day you are not a bunch of symptoms, you’re you, and forget anybody that tells you that you’re in the wrong for how you choose to address yourself (including yourself !! you gotta stand up to yourself sometimes and tell them to stop being so mean !! you’re trying your best and that’s absolutely gobsmackingly wonderful and i’m very proud of you for it !!)
just give yourself a break from the “will they won’t they’s” of self-diagnosing, and just do whatever you can to help yourself out
look up advice for autistics online and see if it helps, dump your heart out to your new therapist about anything and everything, just take advantage of any opportunities you see and give yourself a helping hand, because you very much deserve one <3
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My family just told me the dates of the trip they’re planning this summer and it looks like I’m going to spend most of pride month in states that want queer people dead. Just really hoping they decide to come home a day earlier so I can at least go to a pride parade with my church
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I thought I was late to my appointment at the ADHD clinic but the ADHD clinic knows their clients well and the appointment reminded me to be here at 1:30 when my appointment was actually at 2:00.
Me: oh good I'm actually on time! :)
Me, realizing why and being overcome by the mortifying ordeal of being known: >:/
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i did actually attend a catholic school as a kid because it was the only school within walking distance and my parents worked all week so they couldn't drop me off elsewhere and while i was there one of the other kids stabbed me through the hand with a pencil during a fight so i guess i'm like. 1/5th stigmatic.
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the thing is that they're so fascinated by sex, they love sex, they can't imagine a world without sex - they need sex to sell things, they need sex to be part of their personality, they need sex to prove their power - but they hate sex. they are disgusted by it.
sex is the only thing that holds their attention, and it is also the thing that can never be discussed directly.
you can't tell a child the normal names for parts of their body, that's sexual in nature, because the body isn't a body, it's a vessel of sex. it doesn't matter that it's been proven in studies (over and over) that kids need to know the names of their genitals; that they internalize sexual shame at a very young age and know it's 'dirty' to have a body; that it overwhelmingly protects children for them to have the correct words to communicate with. what matters is that they're sexual organs. what matters is that it freaks them out to think about kids having body parts - which only exist in the context of sex.
it's gross to talk about a period or how to check for cancer in a testicle or breast. that is nasty, illicit. there will be no pain meds for harsh medical procedures, just because they feature a cervix.
but they will put out an ad of you scantily-clad. you will sell their cars for them, because you have abs, a body. you will drip sex. you will ooze it, like a goo. like you were put on this planet to secrete wealth into their open palms.
they will hit you with that same palm. it will be disgusting that you like leather or leashes, but they will put their movie characters in leather and latex. it will be wrong of you to want sexual freedom, but they will mark their success in the number of people they bed.
they will crow that it's inappropriate for children so there will be no lessons on how to properly apply a condom, even to teens. it's teaching them the wrong things. no lessons on the diversity of sexual organ growth, none on how to obtain consent properly, none on how to recognize when you feel unsafe in your body. if you are a teenager, you have probably already been sexualized at some point in your life. you will have seen someone also-your-age who is splashed across a tv screen or a magazine or married to someone three times your age. you will watch people pull their hair into pigtails so they look like you. so that they can be sexy because of youth. one of the most common pornography searches involves newly-18 young women. girls. the words "barely legal," a hiss of glass sand over your skin.
barely legal. there are bills in place that will not allow people to feel safe in their own bodies. there are people working so hard to punish any person for having sex in a way that isn't god-fearing and submissive. heteronormative. the sex has to be at their feet, on your knees, your eyes wet. when was the first time you saw another person crying in pornography and thought - okay but for real. she looks super unhappy. later, when you are unhappy, you will close your eyes and ignore the feeling and act the role you have been taught to keep playing. they will punish the sex workers, remove the places they can practice their trade safely. they will then make casual jokes about how they sexually harass their nanny.
and they love sex but they hate that you're having sex. you need to have their ornamental, perfunctory, dispassionate sex. so you can't kiss your girlfriend in the bible belt because it is gross to have sex with someone of the same gender. so you can't get your tubes tied in new england because you might change your mind. so you can't admit you were sexually assaulted because real men don't get hurt, you should be grateful. you cannot handle your own body, you cannot handle the risks involved, let other people decide that for you. you aren't ready yet.
but they need you to have sex because you need to have kids. at 15, you are old enough to parent. you are not old enough to hear the word fuck too many times on television.
they are horrified by sex and they never stop talking about it, thinking about it, making everything unnecessarily preverted. the saying - a thief thinks everyone steals. they stand up at their podiums and they look out at the crowd and they sign a bill into place that makes sexwork even more unsafe and they stand up and smile and sign a bill that makes gender-affirming care illegal and they get up and they shrug their shoulders and write don't say gay and they get up, and they make the world about sex, but this horrible, plastic vision of it that they have. this wretched, emotionless thing that holds so much weight it's staggering. they put their whole spine behind it and they push and they say it's normal!
this horrible world they live in. disgusted and also obsessed.
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Listen, you should never film strangers in public without their consent, but I swear there need to be fines or something for people who do that shit in some spaces. For example: I had to go to the ER last night, and some jerk filmed a woman who just came in and was clearly having an asthma attack. She immediately got to go back, and he was unhappy about that. Believe me, I get that it sucks having to wait when you're in pain, but you don't get to pick who deserves care when. The medical system in the US is a nightmare, and the ER could be the worst moment of someone's life. No one deserves to be recorded because some jack ass believes someone doesn't look like they need care.
This is fine to reblog. People who film strangers should be shamed if nothing else.
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