#it’s separation from emotion or something Very Bad those are the options

[chirpsythismorning]

This makes me feel like Mike is lying and knows he’s lying in his monologue:

And…

And dot dot dot…?

El’s literally choking and Mike is frozen.

Will pushes Mike and tells him not to stop, reminding him of his speech in the van.

Then, even as he is about to say it, HE STALLS.

It’s clear Mike is having a serious internal conflict when it comes to saying I love you to El, and for a character whose most important rule is ‘friends don’t lie’ and whose sister had an identical plot line where she couldn’t tell her boyfriend I love you when she realized she didn’t love him and was starting to have stronger feelings for someone else, I feel like the answer is right there.

But the And dot dot dot just does it for me.

Like what is with the dramatics.???

It’s so weird to me because if the problem was as simple as Mike being scared of losing El, he wouldn’t have risked things by not saying it when she was crying in her room during their fight.

As the cop car was taking her away, it wouldn’t have been the perfect moment, and yet the way Mike said everything he could to reassure her but avoided simply saying the one thing he knew she wanted to hear, something that had her crying not even 5 minutes earlier, saying it could have been a way for Mike to comfort her in this moment of uncertainty.

Then there’s the letter, where El says from instead of love, and this is the last semblance of contact they have with each other, which has given Mike the impression that they had a fight they could never come back from. And so, he lost her in that moment. His greatest fear has apparently already come to fruition.

The rest of the season he continues to grapple with his insecurities and his concerns with where him and El stand, with Will reassuring him. He nods his head about someone he cares about not liking the truth. Him constantly talking about his conflict with El as if it’s something that cannot be fixed?? Dude it required 3 words?? And what reason exactly would he have to agree with what Will said, unless there is some truth he’s already aware of that he doesn’t think El will like?

And then their reunion in the desert happens. THIS could finally be the moment he makes clear to El how he feels. He hasn’t lost her, they’re back with each other and she’s safe and alive and happy to see him.

So why when she leans in fully, does he hold himself back (El’s face is perfectly symmetrical vertically with the frame when their foreheads meet, whereas Mike is more so leaning back horizontally as much as he can, doing his best to keep his mouth as far away from El as possible)?...

So, no kiss then?…

After they separate and smile at each other relieved, instead of making a point to say ‘that thing’, Mike decides to shift focus from them, to those around them, seeking our Will specifically.

At Surfer Boy, they get interrupted by Argyle and his pineapple pizza. Leading up to it, Mike doesn’t look like he’s about to confess this deep and emotional reason for why he couldn’t say I love you.

I guess… I dunno… I guess I just wanted to say that—

AGAIN WITH THE DOT DOT DOTS!

If Mike was going to say I love you, that would have been the most anti-climactic love confession in the history of television. He doesn’t sound like he’s about to tell her something genuine from his heart. He sounds like he’s about to say something because he feels obligated to.

And then that leading to the monologue, where there is more stalling…

Mike had soooo many chances to say it, and if he was truly scared saying it would make losing her eventually ‘hurt more’ (words inspired by Will’s speech), then he could have said it any one of those previous instances and could have saved them and their relationship.

Instead he treats it like no man’s land, as if it’s this bad word that isn’t an option, until it’s quite literally the only option.

I think that while it is heartbreaking, it makes Mike a very complex character. While he did lie, it was a pretty selfless act, because he was breaking one of his most sacred rules, he was lying. He put it off for sooo long for a reason. He goes against how he truly feels in his heart, and that’s in large part why they lose .

Another factor to all of this, that makes me think this is very likely, is again the major theme of friends don’t lie. And how there is one scene from s1 in particular that offers up a really good Mike and El parallel we could get for them in s5, that I think would make this whole situation and the buildup to it, just sooooo fucking layered.

Imagine something similar to this conversation in s5, but switch Mike and El around:

Rewatching all the seasons in general opens up a lot of possibilities for brainstorming about potential callbacks we could see in s5. When it comes to the importance and impact of lying in the story, with s4 being filled with characters lying, there is just something so full circle about s4 opening with El’s letter filled with lies, Will’s veiled love confession filled with lies that his feelings are El’s and the season closing off with Mike lying to save the world and as a result failing.

And then in s5, kind of bringing together all of these lies, with the truth this time.

Having a parallel to this, with El calling Mike out, would finally give her the chance to voice to Mike, face to face, how she feels truly about everything, and having it be in a way that will sort of put Mike in his place, in a similar way he did to her, would be kind of insane.

Not only that, but in doing so, along with making byler canon by the end end of the series, this entire scene in s1 could be re-contextualized to something much more incredible than it was to viewers in their initial viewing.

After s5, this scene would never be the same:

[nogacheloveka-blog]

The Bad Sanses somehow ended up in the Backrooms. №1

next 2

This is the translation of the first post from Russian to English. I understand English, but it is very difficult for me to write in English, so I asked chat GPT to help me. I have corrected some parts, but there still may be mistakes.

Originally, this drawing was supposed to contain an alarming image to pair with another drawing of Dream with an alarming image. I couldn't make it work, so I decided to draw Nightmare on skates. Behind him, Dast appeared, and I remembered a fanfic that interested me, and gradually, all the others were drawn too.

This is actually art for the translation of the Wayward fanfic, which I sent to the translator to try to give him the strength to continue the translation. I just read the first chapter on ficbook, and I was struck by how Nightmare and Error were not alone, but with the Night's children, wandering around Backrooms.

I know that there is a lot of horror in the text itself, but I am a supporter of cuteness, and my Backrooms with a group of Sanses will be quite toothless and cute. I don't know if my inspiration will last long, but let it be as it is. Plus, Roskomnadzor has again gone through my VPN, and before I can finish reading other chapters of the original, I will need to look for other services (not cool).

The concept is as follows:

🔪 Killer. He doesn't see anything terrifying about his current situation. Probably the calmest of all these newcomers. It's really something new in his life. It is unknown how long his enthusiasm will last.

🪓 Horror. He is currently in a wild panic. He can't stop thinking about the lack of food around him. It's pretty critical for him because of how he was changed by his own dungeon - he needs physical food. But Kill's stupid jokes distract him a little.

🦴 Dast. This guy is extremely tense. He's not all right even in normal times. He found a way to cope by sticking closer to Papa Nightmare, who is quite noticeably sucking out his emotions. He doesn't feel strong hunger yet. It's unclear whether it's due to stress or other reasons.

⛔ Error. Oh, this guy is harder for me, but let's say that together with the soft and cute Backrooms, we have a less unstable and cute Err. He's scared to wander these corridors alone because "these anomalies" can find a way out, but he can't. Fortunately, he doesn't need food. Out of a sense of contradiction, he wanders nearby. They are especially useful to him. At least Nightmare and Cross. At the insistence of the latter, he keeps the group together with threads. He already wants to strangle Killer with them.

⚔️ Cross. An anxious child. In the same degree of panic as Horror, but copes by turning on his instincts as a former guard and watching their backs. He was the first to experience the fear of wandering alone, suddenly getting lost.

🌙 Nightmare. It seems that he is the only one who has fewer and at the same time more problems in the current situation. When they first lost Cross around the corner, they were able to find him by his panic. He feeds on the negativity of those around him, even Error feels it. Feeds Cross and Killer with magic (not ship things). He considers options for what to give Horror as food (remember all those survival guides in Backrooms on a cellulose diet). It is in his interest to take care of the survival of the others in order to feed himself. He uses all his diplomacy to prevent Error from leaving the group - this glitchy devil, due to his proximity to the code, feels all these "portals" that have already separated the group more than once. He understands that the group will soon get used to the environment, and the stress of novelty will be less.

==================

Links to the materials that inspired me:

Original: https://archiveofourown.org/works/46523554/chapters/117149551

Russian translation: https://ficbook.net/readfic/018cc86e-a416-7f80-8511-6d42d3136ac4

Nightmare belongs to Jokublog Killer belongs to RahafWabas Dust belongs to Ask-DustTale Horror belongs to Sour-Apple-Studios Error belongs to CrayonQueen Cross belongs to JakeiArtwork"

[bunposting]

Copy and pasting this from my one reblog since some folks were having some trouble with being able to like or reblog it, and I think it is important to get out there.

Nestbox culling (which is euthing kits shortly after they are born) is something that can sound unsettling and stirs up a lot of feelings. I get it! Baby rabbits (baby anything) are adorable, and it sounds so awful to kill them for any reason other than deformities or illness or lethal genetics. This is one of those times, though, where we have to think about it from a logical standpoint rather than from a purely emotional standpoint.

Think about how often rabbits are able to breed. Think about how many kits are in each litter. For many breeds, 6+ kits in a litter is the ideal. Even if a person only breeds their rabbits twice per year, that's 12 kits per rabbit every year. Ideally, a person would have at least two does - that brings our total up to 24 kits per year on average. This isn't even counting the breeds that average around 9 kits per litter (that would be 36 kits per year).

Now think about space constraints and financial constraints. People only have so much space for only so many rabbits. Even if they only breed once a year and only have one doe, that's still 12 kits. That's 12 kits that are going to need cage space. Depending on the breed, those kits won't reach a reasonable meat weight until well after they've been weaned, and by that time, bucks need to be kept in separate housing. If a person doesn't have the capability of attempting to keep their does in a colony or tractor, they'll need to keep each individual doe in a cage. That means that person who only started with two rabbits would need to have a minimum of 8 cages in order to grow those kits out, maybe more depending on how fast those kits grow and when they rebreed their doe. 8 cages can cost upwards of $400 if they're new, and still a similar price even if they are used. Now imagine a standard rabbit breeder, who would have likely at a minimum at least 4 does and a buck. 4 does producing an average of 48 kits every year. That means a breeder would need an absolute minimum of 29 cages. That's $1,450 spent just on cages. It's a huge investment to have a large amount of rabbits, and it's a huge investment to be making on kits that are obvious from birth that they will provide very little if any benefit to their breed as a whole. That's not even mentioning all of the extra feed costs (especially now with inflation being so bad) for feeding all of those extra rabbits.

Some breeds have very specific markings - like the rabbit in my pfp, for example. These markings are often able to be determined if they are mismarked or not from a very early age. Those mismarkings need to be culled for. In order to avoid the extra costs associated with having extra cage space you don't actually need just to grow out a bunch of kits that you already know won't cut it as breeders, the only other option is to sell those kits after weaning. No breeder is going to want them, so what are you going to do? You'll sell them as pets. CONGRATULATIONS - You've just contributed to the problem of rabbits in shelters, feral rabbits, rabbits suffering in pet homes that can't take care of them. Imagine even just two kits from every litter being mismarked and needing to be culled - if you've got four does and 8 litters, that's 16 young rabbits that will need to find homes in just one year.

And so, in order to avoid those things, a good breeder who knows what space constraints they have, knows what financial constraints they have, and doesn't want to contribute to the problems that ARAs constantly say we contribute to, may very well choose to cull kits in the nestbox that they know won't make it as potential show or breeding stock.

Just because a kit is killed so young, that doesn't mean it has to just get tossed aside or that it has no use. Talk to my cat about that - she absolutely loves a good whole prey raw snack. Or talk to any dog. Or any snake. Or large lizard. Maybe go talk to the raptors at a raptor sanctuary, or small carnivorous creatures at the local zoo or wildlife sanctuary.

None of this is even mentioning the benefits nestbox culling has on the doe and the other kits in the litter. Does may often have more kits than they can reasonably care for. Sure, some can be fostered by another doe, but why put the strain on another doe for kits you know won't make the cut anyways? By nestbox culling, it reduces the amount of stress on the doe. It also makes it so the kits that do have a chance at being utilized for breeding get a more ample supply of milk, and therefore all grow to be bigger, stronger, healthier, and overall more robust.

Nestbox culling is an act of animal welfare. It ensures that the breeder isn't trying to care for more animals than they can reasonably/financially handle. It ensures that animals aren't going to end up in shelters, or being freed somewhere, or suffering in homes where they aren't being cared for properly. This is extremely important in species that have a large amount of babies in each litter, which is something that I know can be very hard to understand when a person either only has experience with species that have very few babies per year, or has no experience with breeding animals at all - but it's important to understand, because it's the kind of thing that can bring even more stigma onto already stigmatized species such as rabbits.

[olderthannetfic]

How does one get out of such a cult-like group as with said bnf? Sorry, may not be the most appropriate venue, but you are also the only one I know of entertaining such.

--

Usually, it starts by them waking up and then reaching out for help.

I think many people in a cult-like or abusive situation see someone else's personal account and go "Wait... why does this seem so familiar? Oh shit!"

It isn't always even the same type of toxic thing: A description of an abusive family wakes someone up about their religious group, or a documentary on people leaving self help cults makes someone take another look at their family dynamics.

But very often, they don't wake up right away. Some external force separates them from the person who's warping their thinking. Perhaps they're thrown out or perhaps they try to walk across the border to Canada and are firmly but politely turned away and then forced to call their estranged family. (Seriously, read kumquatwriter's account. It's fucking wild.)

--

If you're asking me for actual concrete advice for yourself, then it depends whom you're trying to rescue.

Rescuing other people rarely works. How far are you willing to go? How much of a right do you have? Kumquatwriter's mother spent years saving money and talking to a therapist, preparing to swoop in the minute the abuser's hold finally faltered, but that's something you do for your child, not your casual internet friend.

Most of the time, if your friend falls in with a bad crowd, you need to cut them loose and leave them to it.

If you're asking about you yourself, then you're not in this same situation at all. Nobody asks about this until the scales have already fallen from their eyes.

If this is what you're after, then I'm guessing the problem is that you have sucky friends, but they have blackmail material on you, and you're afraid to leave because they'll retaliate. The first thing to do is to assess the level of real world danger and take steps to neutralize it. (That would be if they know your employer's phone number or something.) What you should do depends on what kind of dirt they have on you.

If you live with a cult... uh... there are nonprofits that help deal with that kind of thing and I think your problems are above my pay grade, but there are organizations out there that will help you escape. I'm guessing you wouldn't have phrased things as above though.

If the danger is more to your emotional well-being, your online friendships, your fandom reputation, etc., as is commonly the case, then that's emotionally painful but far less complex. You can either slowly withdraw, perhaps using "school's busy" or something as an excuse, or you can burn your current fandom identity and make a new one.

I'd change fandoms for a while if your old friends are really nasty. Turn off anon everywhere. (Actually, most people should do that. Clearly, I don't, but for most people, it's the smarter choice.) In fact, wherever you can, turn on those options where only people you follow can interact with you.

Not relevant to the recent events but highly relevant to many toxic fandom friendship situations: If you've been part of a pack of bullies and/or publicly espoused ideas you now find abhorrent, it's time for a new identity and a fresh start.

Culty shit tries to convince you that outsiders are all Mean and Scary, and one of the first steps is realizing that many people are perfectly nice and won't judge you for being manipulated. But, at the same time, you don't actually owe the world a public performance of leaving the group, and it can be helpful to have a clean break.

Kumquatwriter had some in-person and money shit to apologize for, and I salute her for putting all that out there, but she also did that after some therapy and solid family support, and it took guts.

The vast majority of people who send me asks like this are guilty of no more than posting a few "Bad fiction harms people!" posts and hanging out with assholes in a discord, and most of them have a way worse support network. It takes a pretty robust individual to do their growing and changing in the public eye. In a lot of cases, simply starting over makes more sense.

What you primarily need is space and privacy and then, once you're on firmer ground, some new friendships with some healthier boundaries. Look up people talking about being "ex antis" if you want some examples of how this kind of thing tends to play out.

--

But yes, as I imagine you noticed, I tend to reblog fandom drama of this type because I want people to know what the patterns look like. It's a lot easier to quietly ghost toxic people once you know they're toxic than to figure out that your friend is not your friend in the first place.

I won't say I'm invincible. Nobody is. But my junior high was basically a cult, and it gave me an early inoculation against every creepy self help organization and fandom clique I've run across since.

[childes-w1fe]

𝑴𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒏𝒄𝒉𝒐𝒍𝒚

I’m back! Before we begin, if you’d like to read up to date on this fanfic the rest of it is posted on my wattpad under the user f0restfawn

 ✧˖°ʚ🍓ɞ♡

𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒓 2-𝑨 𝒈𝒊𝒓𝒍 𝒃𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒆 𝒐𝒇 (𝒀/𝑵)

!𝑻𝑾!: 𝑴𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝑺𝒆𝒍𝒇 𝑯*𝒓𝒎, 𝑺𝒖𝒊𝒄*𝒅𝒂𝒍 𝑻𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕𝒔, 𝑻𝒓𝒂𝒖𝒎𝒂, 𝑩𝒆𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒚𝒂𝒍, 𝑳𝒐𝒘 𝑴𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒍 𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒕𝒉, 𝑮𝒂𝒚 𝑷𝒆𝒐𝒑𝒍𝒆

 ✧˖°ʚ🍓ɞ♡

Alone at an empty cafeteria table sat a young girl with a blank look on her face. On the outside, she looked completely normal, happy, and content. On the inside, she was far from normal.

Normal. A group of normal people, all different but also similar. They shared the same interests, opinions, and emotions. A group of people that stayed together and always found a way back after a fight. The three. The trio had been with each other for many years and were considered family by that point. A young girl named (Y/N), her crush, and her best friend. An inseparable trio. (Not the calamity trio btw lol.)

Despite the years and the unbreakable bond the three had, they always seemed to find a way to separate. Any fight or inconvenience would lead to screaming arguments over the phone or abandonment. In every situation (Y/N) would either be the target or the blame. Panic attacks would come to her often, not allowing her to keep food down, think properly, or move on. 

She was never able to move on. Too attached to the good memories, pushing away and despising the bad. No matter the number of times her mother would tell her, "You have to be more mature, and don't act on your impulses because of their immaturity. You need to leave them and branch out."

But how could she leave? She cared too much, and it was too late to branch out. By high school, everyone had already formed their groups. Not to mention, the very different options of the people around her. Nervous to try something new, she would always come back. 

The most recent fight. There was no coming back. The door had been shut, and that same young girl finally didn't care anymore. She felt.., free. Well, for a little while. (Y/N) had other friends, and even if she didn't talk to them as much, she still had some type of comfort. Until she didn't. 

Accusation after accusation. One she hadn't even known about, which turned out to be true. She didn't even realize what had been done in the first place, as she had no idea and no I'll intentions. All of the comforts she found in those people were gone. Those people slowly drifted away from her, leaving her nothing but an aching heart.

And for the first time, she had thought about doing something she would have never even imagined before. Suicide. When she closed her eyes, she would imagine taking pills from a medicine cabinet or taking a sharp knife from the kitchen. She was suffering in silence, wanting to tell her mother what was going on, for even a sliver of comfort. But she knew better. With how serious those accusations were, she would never hear the end of it.

Living each day in fear. Fear of what she had built for herself crumbling, fear of losing her family's support, fear of losing the one thing that kept her sane, her phone. Ridiculous? I know. The internet provided enough entertainment to drown out her problems and make them disappear for a little while. All those two had to do was say one word, and that word would ruin her.

"Keep moving, keep the facade up, just make it to the summer." It was what she would try and reassure herself, but it was easier said than done. 

For once she wanted them to feel what she was feeling. The pain, the fear, and betrayal, the disgust. But most of all, she wanted them to move on, as she tried to. To stop talking about her, to ignore her, to not bring her name up. That was her last wish for them.

She envied those who dared to take that step, as she wanted what was happening to end but was scared. Scared of death, scared of saying goodbye, scared of losing.

But.., hadn't she lost from the beginning?

 ✧˖°ʚ🍓ɞ♡

You scrambled to put on your converse, as your mother was rushing you out of the door at 6 am. It was your first day at your new school, and you were nervous. The school-issued uniform didn't fit your style, so you switched it up a bit. (You don't have to wear this, I just made it for the story.)

"Hurry up (Y/N)! I'll be late for work!"

"I know I'm coming!" You threw your backpack over your shoulder, grabbed your other necessities and ran out of your room, not bothering to close the door.

Your mother stood near the front door with her huge purse and a hand on her hip. She looked at you for a second and then smiled. 

"You seem to be in a good mood. Did you meet anyone yesterday?" She winked at you.

Your face turned red as you recalled yesterday's shenanigans. 

"Wait-you did?! I was joking, but I can't believe it! I'm so proud of you!" 

"Nooo..."

Your mother snickered at you. "Alright kid, we have been wasting too much time. We have to go before I'm late."

You walked out the front door and sat in the passenger's seat of the car. Your mother sat in the driver's seat and turned on your favorite song.

"Nothing wrong with jamming out before your first day, right?"

You nodded excitedly, and you and your mother jammed out to music the entire car ride.

✧˖°ʚ🍓ɞ♡

She stopped in front of the school. Multiple students were chatting and talking to each other. 'Oh no..., I'm so not ready for this.'

You looked at your mother as she caressed your cheek reassuringly.

"Don't worry you will do great. This is an amazing opportunity for you to branch out!"

"But what if I don't do great? What if people think I'm weird?"

"Then let them think that because I know the real you. You're strong, smart, creative, beautiful, and best of all, my daughter." She squeezed your cheeks at the last statement.

"Mom..."

"I know, I know. Don't embarrass you in front of other people." She let go of your cheeks and looked down at your necklace for a moment. Her face softened as she sighed and carefully inspected it. A rose quartz necklace, carved into the shape of a rose. She ran her thumb over the smooth curves in the crystal. (This necklace is so pretty, I have it irl, and I love it so much.)

"I miss her so much, mom. It hurts." Your voice cracked as you began to get emotional. 

She envelopes you in a hug. "I...I miss her to hun, but you have to stay strong, for all of us."

You nod, as she wipes a single tear from your eye.

"I have to go to work now before I'm late."

"Ok, mom. I love you."

"I love you too darling." You open the car door and step out. Your mother waved at you and you did the same. She drove off and your smile faded. A voice startled you out of your trance.

"I didn't know a freak moved to this school."

You turned around to see a girl around your height with ginger hair in two braids, wearing a baseball hat backwards. 

"I'm sorry?"

She rolled her eyes at you. "You aren't from here."

"Uhmm... Is it obvious?.."

"Duh, I'd recognize a weirdo anywhere."

You rubbed the back of your neck awkwardly. She looked you up and down, almost like she was judging you. 

"Nice necklace, mind if I borrow it?" Without waiting for an answer, the random girl snatched the necklace off your neck.

"Hey! Give it back please!" 

She smirked at you. "Hmm... I don't know if I should." 

"Maggie! Give it back!"

You both turned to look at who had interrupted your conversation. Maggie scowled. It was Sasha. Your cheeks turned pink.

"What if I don't?" Maggie protested.

"We both know you have too much to lose. You wouldn't want the principal to find out you're bullying a new student, would you? It would suck not being able to come to any of my sweet house parties."

"But- I"

Sasha shook her head with a smirk. 

"Fine! This necklace is lame anyway." Maggie shoved the necklace back into your hands and walked away. 

Sasha smiled and walked up to you. "Sorry about her, she thinks she can pick on anyone."

"It's fine, it was my fault anyway."

She seemed slightly bothered by your ability to take the blame for something that wasn't your fault. Sasha noticed you messing with the chain of your necklace, and took the necklace from your hands. You looked at her confused until you felt her putting it around your neck.

"It looks good on you (Y/N)."

You smiled at her. "Thanks."

Sasha turned away to hide her blush. "Since you're new here, why don't you stick with me and my group? Well make sure no one else picks on you." 

"Sure, I don't see why not."

"I'll introduce you to them." She grabbed your wrist and you followed her into the school. You reached the gym and you followed her under the bleachers. (I have zero ideas where the trio hangs out lol)

Two other girls were standing under there. Your jaw dropped at the sudden realization. 'Holy-'

"Girls, I'm back. You remember the new friend I was talking about?" 

Anne and Marcy looked up at Sasha, as she pulled you out from behind her. "Here she is. Her name is (Y/N). (Y/N), these are my friends, Anne and Marcy."

The two froze as they looked at you. 

"(Y/N)?" Anne spoke up.

"Hey.."

Marcy blurted out, "Wait!-You go to this school too?"

You giggled. "Yeah, I just moved here."

"I assume you two have met (Y/N) before?" Sasha asked.

"Mhm. Yesterday." Anne replied and Marcy nodded.

"Okay cool." Sasha shrugged and leaned against you.

The three surrounded you and made conversation. Marcy showed you some of her games, Anne showed you some cheesy, teen crush magazines, and Sasha showed you clothes she thought would look good on you. 

'Maybe moving wasn't such a bad idea after all.'

✧˖°ʚ🍓ɞ♡

You stayed and talked under the bleachers with the three until the bell for class rang. You walked to your first class and took a seat, which was dreadfully dull. Sometime later, you stood in the hallway between class changes and felt a tap on your shoulder. You turned around and saw Sasha for a second time. 

"Oh hey, Sasha. Do you need something?"

"Anne and Marcy are coming to my house after school, and we wanted to ask if you want to come over." Her eyes drifted to your lips, then back up to your eyes. 

You were surprised at the sudden invitation and blushed. "I would love to!"

"Awesome. I'll see you there, cutie." Sasha then winked at you with a smirk and walked away. You were considerably as red as a tomato. 

✧˖°ʚ🍓ɞ♡

After class, you made your way to the library. It was a decent size, despite this public school being a downgrade from your previous one. You went straight to the fantasy section and scanned the books. 

'I've already read most of these.'

Maybe the library was smaller than you originally thought. While busying yourself with fantasy books, a section hidden in the corner of the library caught your eye. Out of curiosity, you made your way over there. 

A book suddenly fell from the bookcase, spooking you. It had a warm yellow cover, with elegant gold accents. 'Woah. This book looks old.'

You picked it up and dusted it off. A large star was on the front of the cover, it looked like a crystal. It sent a chill down your spine. You picked it up and sat down in one of the beanbags on the other side of the room.

You flipped through the pages, only to find words in an unknown language. Strange symbols and images were on all of the pages. The most noticeable page was in the middle. What made it stand out from every other page was how the page was gold, instead of the regular brown color, and had a huge image of the sun brightly shining down on hundreds of figures, bowing down to the sun's glory. All words on this page were in an unknown language, except for one section. 

This section read, 

"The glorious sun, shining bright for the entire solar system to witness. 

Blinding all with its beauty, but burning those who dare to get too close. 

The sun is a star. This star who will deliver us, and protect us from hidden evils unawakened. 

The fourth of the three points to the highest level. Mending and healing what is broken.

Oh glorious sun, shining in even the darkest moments. The greatest sorrow will not dim your shine. As your radiance will bring light into the darkness. 

But beware. To use this power too great, could put an end to the light. Never fly too close to the sun, unless you're willing to burn."

'Wow. That was...deep.'

You didn't understand the poem but decided it was too interesting to put down. A shifting noise pulled you out of your daydream. A person had sat in the bean bag across from you, so sucked into the book they were reading, they didn't even notice you sitting there. You grinned at who it was.

Marcy was reading a book you had read before. A book full of unexpected twists and turns, and was about halfway through it. 'Just wait until the main character dies.' 

Her eyes widened and you giggled. She looked up to see who laughed. "What? Why are you laughing?"

"Oh, I've just read that book before, and the same thing got me too."

She smiled at you. "Please don't spoil it for me though."

"Don't worry, I wouldn't do something like that. I hate it when people do that to me." You smiled at her. 

Marcy blushed and turned to the next page. You got up and sat right next to her, and then proceeded to lean on her shoulder. She looked like she was about to explode from embarrassment.

'Cute.'

✧˖°ʚ🍓ɞ♡

It was finally time to go home, and you were super excited to go to Sasha's house. 'I'm so excited to go to someone's house. Maybe we'll play truth or dare, prank little kids on Roblox through adopt me, or maybe even play spin the bottle-.'

You shook those thoughts out of your head as a blush began to rise to your cheeks. Your mom arrived to pick you up. You got in the car and looked at her.

"Hey mom.., I know this is late notice, but I made a friend at school and I want to go to their house."

Her eyes widened as she suddenly hit the brakes. You jolted and let out a small scream.

"You were invited to someone's house?!"

You nodded at her excitement. "Yes, her name is Sasha Waybright."

Your mother grinned and made teasing noises. You blushed and covered your face. 

"Oooh, you made a new friend and she's a girl?" She grinned at you. 

"We're just friends mom."

"Okay then, whatever you say." She began to drive again and took you home. You needed to pack a few things before you go to Sasha's house. 

You grabbed some necessities, a change of clothes, and other things and stuffed them in a small kuromi bag. (I adore kuromi so much, Live Laugh Love Kuromi)

You threw your bag over your shoulder and went downstairs. 

"Okay mom, I'm going to Sasha's house now."

She looked up at you from the counter in the kitchen. 

"Alright! Have fun dear! Don't stay out too late!"

"Okay mom, love you."

You walked over to Sasha's house following the address she texted you. You knocked on the door, and Sasha opened it. 

"Hey cutie, I'm glad you came."

You smiled at her. 

"Come on inside, Anne and Marcy aren't here yet, but they will arrive soon."

She opened the door wider to let you in and then closed it behind you.

"Follow me."

You followed her up the stairs into her room. It was fairly big and clean. 

"Nice room."

"Thanks, you can set your bag down if you want. I'll be right back, I'm gonna go get something."

You nodded as Sasha walked back downstairs. 'I should change out of my school uniform.'

You walked into the bathroom inside of her room and changed into some lounge shorts that showed off almost your entire thighs, and an oversized crop top that fell off your shoulder slightly and had astrology designs on it. You put your school clothes back in your bag and sat down.

"Ok, I'm back-."

Sasha walked back into the room and almost had a heart attack when she saw what you were wearing. Despite being oversized lounge clothes, they still showed off your features, and Sasha couldn't help but stare. 

"Oh hey, Sasha-...Are you ok?"

Her face was red and she looked away respectfully. You stood up to her about to ask what the matter was, and Sasha stood forward, only to trip and fall on you. Luckily, you caught her and your hands were resting on her waist. Your lips were seconds away from touching and you both stumbled back immediately. 

"Ah- I'm sorry." She scrambled for words.

"It's fine." You looked away flustered.

You wished you would've kissed. 

✧˖°ʚ🍓ɞ♡

[lovingmny]

i’m gone. - lee felix

pairing : felix x reader

genre : angst

warnings : swearing, crying, arguing, breaking up, idk

summary : you and your beloved boyfriend were always in good terms, but one night, it all took a huge turn to the wrong side.

wordcount : 743

a/n : this is my first angst!! hope you enjoy<33 might have some mistakes since english is not my first and favourite language !! also i’m a fast typer so might include some accident typos, anyways hope you enjoy<3

m.list

You were excitedly getting ready for your date night with your boyfriend that was planned a few weeks ago. You just did you makeup and now was moving onto attacking your closet, until you heard you phone buzz.

“love i am so sorry, i have to cancel the date, i have an unexpected schedule. i swear i’ll come to the next date💕”

You were devastated, on the verge of a breakdown. This was the 10th time this has happened. It felt like, he didn’t love you anymore. You fell to your knees and started sobbing as thoughts filled your mind.

“what if he doesn’t love me? what if he’s seeing someone else? and that’s why he’s making excuses.”

Those kind of thoughts filled your mind to the brim. You were crying, sobbing, sniffing whatever you’d call it. Your crying was later interrupted by another notification on your phone.

You quickly got up and opened your phone. You were relieved to read the message you were sent.

“i’m coming home a bit later today, maybe at night but i don’t have time to attend the date, love you”

You were relived. Even though he said he isn’t going to attend the date, your still happy he’s atleast coming home and not hanging out with other girls.

The relationship between you guys was always close. Both of you guys loved skinship, and were very clingy after all. You found a lot of same habits and traits you both seemed to have. Even what you both eat.

When you met Felix, it was an instant click. You hung out all the time, talked about each other all the time, basically involved the other in anything. In college you decided you wanted to go from besties to lovers, but weren’t sure if Felix was feeling the same.

You later on built the courage and confessed to him one thursday evening. The whole day was full of emotions ranging from sadness to overwhelming happines. After that you guys were inseparable.

But what you didn’t know was what would happen this night. Something horrible. Something that you will remember for the wrong reasons. That you guys were finally separated.

You heard the door open as you were sitting on the couch eating chips. You sprinted to the door and greeted Felix with a warming hug.

“well hi” felix said while hugging you back.

“i was thinking we could watch a movie and cuddle after? how does that sound?” you excitedly ask while smiling.

“bae i’m sorry but i’m really tired. maybe some other night?” he groaned.

“you almost never have time for me! i don’t know if i can do it. i never can spend anytime with you alone, privately! whether it’s you hanging with the boys or you always have an excuse!! i’m never an option.” you complain, not noticing that you are raising your voice.

you see Felix’s eyes starting to get watery and his freckles are getting drowned in his tears.

You only now realised what you said and tried to hypothetically apologise, but nothing helped. You felt too bad, you really fucked it up now.

“no it’s fine, i’m just trying to focus on studying, i’m sorry. i’ll try to find you more time, love, i really am sorry.” he blurted out, which only made you realise that now you cheeks were getting stained in you tears too.

“no no no no bae it’s okay, i’m the one to blame, i fucked up, i said hurtful things, it’s my fault, my reason to apologise.” you said, tears staining you grey t-shirt.

“whatever, i can go if you want, you said you couldn’t do it anymore” he said. you froze for a second there, to fully understand his words. did you really say you couldn’t do this? shit, you did. you knew he wasn’t coming back either, so you tried to stop him from going, but were unsuccessful.

There he went. he just ran out door to the dorms. you completely lost it when the door closed. you fell to your knees and started screaming his name while sobbing uncontrollably.

It had now been a few days since you and Felix broke up, and you had noticed he was constantly avoiding you, you were hurt by it, but it was understandable. You hurt him, and he’s allowed to be hurt.

Every night you always found yourself curled up into a ball in your bed sniffling onto Felix’s hoodie, which had his scent to it. It was the closest thing you had to him. You were really not okay.

But you can’t do anything but just wait for him.

idk yall tell me how this went!!🥹 i just made something and i hope y’all enjoyed <3

[glade-constellation]

This is kind of just me needing to write out my feelings to understand them better, because we have a lot of mixed feeling about Eclipse’s death right now. Sorry if it doesn’t make much sense.

(This turned out much longer than I thought so I put everything under the cut, but I think everything written down is important. Also, when emotions are mentioned, I’m talking more so about healthy coping mechanisms to cause better emotional outcomes. I didn’t really know how to properly word it until I wrote a lot of this so I didn’t want to have to go back and change it. The post is long enough as it.)

I kind of hate how media portrays that death is the only way to handle “bad” trauma survivors. As a trauma survivor myself, seeing this makes me feel like society hate me. Yes, Eclipse was a terrible person, but was death really the only option? Truly and honestly?

It’s so blatantly obvious to us that Eclipse didn’t know how to use healthy coping mechanisms because he was never taught them. His entire life has been bad thing after bad thing. He quite literally woke up for the first time to learn he had been abandoned and left behind because he was Moon’s unwanted coding. His first feelings he ever truly felt for himself were confusion and hurt. On top of this, he was trapped apart from the real world with his only way out being something that badly burned him. When he finally gets out he’s met with extreme hostility and hate (which I don’t blame anyone for with the way Eclipse introduced himself in the first place). His own creation he made to help get him out of Sun’s headspace (Bloodmoon) turned on him and tried to kill him. Every single person in the entire show either turned their backs on him or used him for their own gain.

Yes, Eclipse was kind of doing this to himself, but people also seem to forget what part of Moon he was made from. He was Moon’s attempt at removing the kill code. A code specifically created to kill and hurt. Moon was at least created with other protocols that counteracted the kill code. He had other emotions and thoughts besides the code made to make him murderous. Eclipse was the code, or at least a part of it. He was made with no other emotions and impulses to pull from. Anything else would have been needed to be learned, which he never got a chance to do.

People might argue that Kill Code, the actual code itself, was able to become a good person where Eclipse hasn’t, but I feel these two scenarios are pretty different. The fandom is really bad and doing the Trauma Olympics with these characters, which is a very bad thing to do. Comparing people’s trauma is disrespectful and just plain rude. Trauma is trauma, it still hurt someone regardless of what it was that caused it. While Eclipse and Kill Code are basically the same thing, they went through two completely separate experiences. Also, Kill Code had access to coping skills that Eclipse never had. Kill Code was still connected in some ways to Moon, where as Eclipse had been completely cut off.

Earth was the only person who ever really tried to help Eclipse, and even then she was biased. The first conversation those two really had was the first therapy episode they had together, in which she blatantly tells him he can’t be fixed before she even hears his side of the story. The only things she’s heard about Eclipse are from Sun and Moon, one who is amnesiac and the other who’s had to deal with the worst of Eclipse’s torture. The way she talks to him in this episode also shows that she thinks he can just choose what emotions he is feeling. Once again, I want to go back to the fact that Eclipse was made from Moon forcefully ripping out his kill code. He doesn’t know how to feel any other emotions. They were never programmed into him and he was never taught. Every meeting after that between those two was just Earth getting more and more fed up with Eclipse until she kind of just gave up.

(I didn’t mention Lunar trying to help Eclipse specifically because Lunar never actually did. He supported Eclipse for a bit, got fed up with the constant stress and trauma, and then became Eclipse’s enemy. There was no therapy attempt like Earth tried.)

I’m not saying Eclipse was a good person. He has only ever killed, maimed, tortured, and abused his entire life. Everyone he met was instantly shown hostility, and they had every right to return that same energy back. He did absolutely terrible things and should be held accountable for them. Being traumatized does not give anyone the right to do any of what Eclipse did.

The thing is, Eclipse did still have a chance at redemption. We’ve already canonically seen several other “bad guy” characters get redemptions. Kill Code was given a redemption arc. Lunar was given a redemption arc. Bloodmoon was killed, but both canonical characters and the fanbase believe they could have been redeemed. There is absolutely no reason that Eclipse could not also be redeemed.

I think something the fanbase doesn’t quite understand is that redemption and forgiveness do not go hand in hand. Some people feel like a step in the process of redemption is being forgiven, which isn’t true. You can be forgiven for your mistakes, but that has nothing to do with your personal growth. That someone else’s emotions entirely. Sometimes, something you did will affect someone so deeply that they will never be able to move on. As long as you are striving to be a better person and doing everything you can to achieve that, then you are redeeming yourself.

Eclipse never really seemed to want to change, but I think that’s also because he was never given the tools to do so. I think his last moments really show that he could have done better had he been given the support he so desperately needed.

Eclipse wasn’t scared of dying. He was scared of being hurt. He literally asked Solar Flare, in a very shaky tone, “Do you think it hurts?” He said himself that he was tired, and I think he was just done with the hurt. He was in a constant state of emotional turmoil and pain and he was just done.

Honestly, maybe Solar Flare summed him up perfectly. Eclipse was not a good person, by any means, but he cared. He always did. Probably too much, about things he really shouldn’t. And in the end it cost him everything.

In the end, I do feel Eclipse could have been redeemed. He may not be forgiven, but I don’t feel like he never could have changed. This is just another example of someone who went through something terrible becoming bad because they didn’t have the resources they needed to be better. It would have been hard for him, but I do feel Eclipse could have done it. Especially with how low he was during his final moments. But that’s just it. He’s dead. You can’t fix things from the grave no matter how much you wanted to.

Death will never been a good replacement over redemption.

[imagine-silk]

Yeah some of the characters took a bit to warm up to (I think Nick was my least favorite character cause I compared his attitude after being infected to Max, who is such a sweetheart and only complained about hurting 🥺) I do agree that Dylan, Ryan, Laura and Max are amazing! (Though I had such a soft spot for Kaitlynn cause she worried about Nick, and Abi after the attack. And she tried to cheer Dylan up after he lost his hand) Though those are my thoughts. And Emma was such a bitch, I agree (the chase scene though made me like her after though? Kinda like the Emily chase scene in Until Dawn, where you dislike the character before but liking them after the whole chase). And Jacob, oh man, I kept joking about how he’s such a simp 😂😭. I heard that House of Ashes multiplayer was better than the quarry (I haven’t played it but if it is I’m jealous). Wolf pack is fun if you have someone scared of horror games playing with you, it makes it funny af (I’ve been trying to get a third person for wolf pack so they can mess up my decisions/qte lmao). Also I apologize for messaging you often about this, haha, I just had so much fun talking about it with someone.

Okay, I saw a post that said he thinks the bite brings out their nature before they turn and it makes a lot of sense and that's a good chunk on my feeling towards Nick and Emma.

I've explained this to my friends that Nick and Abi are normal person terrible. Like they're not particularly evil or really bad in any meaningful way, they just suck. Abi and Nick like each other but can not for the life of them get together. Abi dismisses everything he says and is the most self-sabotaging person I've ever seen in my life and that's saying something. It's the strangest thing I have ever seen. If he says that he thinks whatever happens was meant to happen she says people can and will take advantage of that and relieve themselves from blame for the bad things they do and is super demeaning about it. ┌( ಠ_ಠ)┘ Girly-pop, you did not need to say that. She also ignores him all the time and again, very weird because she doesn't really do it to anyone else. Nick himself seems fine and okay, he gets visibly sad when she does these things to him but moves on. Makes sense, it hurts. However, if the post is right he has a lot of feelings under the surface that are more than concerning. He also has the option to be just as pedantic as she is. So normal people awful.

Also the comparison of Max and Nick is kind of funny. Nick gets really aggressive and attacks them while Max just tells Laura his tummy hurts. He's so cute. Max did nothing wrong squad.

Kait grew on me because she changed. And she did it really fast so as much as she is mean for no reason she is caring and knows how to take authority. She probably was a really good counselor, I wouldn't be surprised if she can just flip a switch.

I feel very complicated about Jacob. On one hand he's very dumb and makes poor choices but they come from a good intent, no matter how questionable the reason is. He's a himbo. He's highly emotional and is very free about it. But he is so insistent about getting back with Emma he loses the plot. But he's also just a little guy who doesn't know what consequences of his actions will do. If there wasn't werewolves trying to kill them off I think the night would have ended and they would go separate ways. She'd probably ghost him and tell her fans about it now that I think about it. Jacob is a fratboy, not my favorite trope but Emma is evil so it makes him look like the biggest saint in the world. So yeah, very complicated.

All that being said, I do like the game. I am super critical of media in general and will pick it apart thoroughly but that almost never means I dislike whatever I'm talking about. It's very campy and that's what it was aiming for so it's great for that genre. The dialogue is great to show they're a bunch of dumbass kids barely in college. Choices make sense for the characters. The map is really good and having all of them run around is pretty cool, turning them into team A team B. I recommend a play or two for anyone.

Also listen to 'Bizarre but Bonafide'

[cl00udyyanan]

If your still accepting requests of these,

How would a relationship be with Venti and Wanderer (separate) with a Pisces reader?

Feel free to ignore this!!

this will be fun i already know it, im sorry but you picked the worst two characters to try and be in a relatonship but! WE WILL MAKE IT WORK!!!!

pisces and gemini

okaayyy venti! he is a little gemini, whihc means he values freedom (i see what you did hoyo) he is very independant physically and emotionally. this can contrast a pisces who is known to be very dependant especially when inlove. in your eyes, venti is so special to you (post him everyday, with him everyday, basically just so obsessed), he's so important to you! your relationship is centered around adapting and giving the other something they lack. venti can bring fun and knowledge to your ideas and way of life, wherest you are an open minded lover who can bring the most out of him. (maybe try to convince him to stop his drinking problem)

butt, you guys have horrible communication. say venti was gone for some time (he follows the wind ofc) and you're upset about it! he'll simply shrug you off with a "ehe sorry lol" and go on about his day. it may give you the impression he don't care, but he does he just doesn't understand how it may affect you. he might not understand that his in a relationship, not some friendship where you guys kiss every now and then lol.

in the end, you guys are better off as friends, venti is just too all over the place for you and you might be too sensitive to give into it. if you can work on communication and understanding, it might work out

compatibilty: uhh 40 i don't have too high hopes for it tbh, but you'd make great friends!

pisces and capricorn

onto scara! at first, your relationship would start slow. capricorns and pisces are known to very quiet people unless around ppl they're comfortable with (this may or may not apply to you who knows). you two would learn eachother slowly, which i think is pretty cute. you're first attracted to the strong and confident side of scara, the way he carries himself. scara will like how you treat him so differently from others, you might be softer to him. so you're lucky you're one of the people who doesn't get insulted by him every day. you two have mutual trust thats sweet and cute tbh. pisces are said to be adaptable, which is good for scara because he's very stuck in his ways, hopefully you're able to keep up with him. scaramouche teaches you to have more self esteem and be more confident, you teach him to be a little more softer. its honestly so adorable.

as every relationship, there is a bad side. pisces are known to be emotional, if this applies to you, you and scara are going to be in a bit of trouble because he does not handle emotions well. (proof: archon quest, proof: mommy issues, proof: abandonment issues.....) he's not going to be able to express himself all the time. you two gotta work on that a bit. oh, also, he's really controlling which might make you a bit worried in the relationship but he doesn't mean it in a bad way he's just concerned. once again, you two can work on that and it'll be okay

in the end, you two could have a nice relationship really! probably scaras best option. its a sweet tender love for both people who just needed a couple hugs yk (ik you do). you two need to work on those issues with the controlling and emotions. yet honestly, you can overcome those i believe it!

compatibility: 77

[loveyourlovelysoul]

Hello. How are you doing?

Can i ask for some advice? What should i do when my friend(s) ignore me or give me silent treatment? I used to react but now I've stopped doing that, it's always me who apologize not her. It has happened in my previous friend group too and they only used me and bullied me later due to my gentle, overcaring and silent nature. It's heart wretching tbh.

Hey :)

It really is, and I am so very sorry you had/have to go through such a tough situation. At times gentle caring people like you tend to give a lot to others (also in fear of being betrayed and abandoned), and because of this they often encounter people who rather continuosly take from them; and honestly takers rarely know when to stop. This is why it's important to build up boundaries, to remind ourselves we're not responsible of making their life better at any cost nor we need to do this much to be accepted.

I don't know the background stories so take all I am going to say with a grain of salt.

My suggestion is trying to focus on you first. Since you had that terrible experience with your past group, it could be that being ignored and "ghosted" brings up lot of issues inside of you, connected to how you were used and abused by those people (and maybe even further in your past, Idk). it could be of help for example to try and check within what you make this silent treatment and being ignored mean about you. Not just the possible consequences that experiencing these behaviours may make you worry about but also what they mean about your persona according to you (eg. this person ignores me -> I probably said something wrong, they're tired of me, they are using me cause I'm too gentle, they have found more interesting people than me, they'll bully me/leave me + I'm bad, wrong, not worthy or lovable, I won't have good friends ever, I will be alone...). Be kind and gentle with yourself in the process, do not give your gentleness away only on the outside. You need it first. And it's so precious, never lose it please. This is tough stuff, so don't be afraid to ask for help and support. (I'll come back to this and your "silent nature" later on).

Another advice I want to give you is to try to build up your self defense. And by this I mean healthy emotional boundaries: try to not let your emotions and thoughts be defined by those of your friends, by how they treat you and how much they respond to you and all. Separate yourself from them. Especially separate your self worth and lovability from them. You are worthy and lovable whether they ignore you or not. If you really need to, when you feel like you are being ignored you can consider the possible options for why you are being ignored (eg. maybe something else is going on with them? maybe since it's not an urgent answer they decided to answer me later? maybe they forgot to answer me?... -it depends also on the situations in which you are being ignored or you are feeling ignored: not saying your feelings are not valid at all, but at times negative past experiences can make us more easily anxious and coming to fast conclusions, so it's also worth to see if we're being objective or not. Please though, don't let others manipulate your thoughts about this: if they're ignoring you, they are and this is why it's important to stay as objective as we can). Just try to not stress over these reasons though or they will only make it worse: even if there's none, still focus back on you and try to stay balanced and not overthink about the possible consequences. Stay present. Your worth is never defined by your friends. Especially by those who cannot help you when you need.

If it's someone you feel a connection with, try to communicate with them about yourself and your feelings, your insecurities too. You wrote that you're generally silent, but maybe you can find a person in a group with whom you can try to connect more deeply (if it's reciprocal) and you can share more with them, ask questions, be talkative.... You can also express your feelings when you are being/feeling ignored by saying something like "Since I had *this past negative/abusive experience* with those people, I feel uncomfortable when you don't answer me or ignore me cause it makes me feel like I did something wrong to you. Can you please help me and tell me if I actually did that or you simply need some time for yourself/have other plans for the time being?" Same goes for the silent treatment: "I'm sorry but right now I don't understand why you're not considering me. Can you please explain to me what I did wrong?". (If you fear being judged when saying this, I ofc understand you but remember that people judge others in fear of being judged themselves, so it's never about you even if it seems so. Relationships need to be safe places for everyone involved imo or they're just useless).

As you start speaking up about your issues like this, try to work on what makes you so uncomfortable like, eg. the fear of being abandoned/judged, possible social anxiety(?)/shiness, not feeling enough to have friends and ending up alone... Which is not the case, please trust me. You will have great relationships also cause of your character (just try to balance it a bit more: eg. "overcaring" can be a bit too much, you can try to be just "caring" of others and use the "over" part for you); take your time to work on yourself, especially protecting yourself. Don't be scared of expressing yourself, your likes and dislikes... this may help you discourage those who may think they can take control of you, manipulate you or even make fun of you cause of your laid-back nature.

It's already far too long so I won't say anything else. Wish you all the best, take care of you<3

[redwinterroses]

For the road trip, on a personal note (and thus the separate ask so feel free to delete or what have you): I noticed the Christian description in the bio and out of curiosity as a Christian myself, were you raised as such? Did you convert later in life (either to a different denomination or Christianity as a whole)?

I guess I'm just asking about your testimony because I like hearing them. :) BUT I get it if you don't want to share or if I've misunderstood your bio lol

In any case have a safe trip today!

This ask makes me so happy, but I'm going to stick it under a cut due to general conversation of religion and some religious trauma. :)

So -- first off, sorry for taking so long to answer this. I'm like an infant with no object permanence as far as asks go. The minute I look away it ceases to exist, lol.

But! Answering now.

Yup, there's Christian in my bio. I'm not very in-your-face about it but I occasionally mention church or my pastor's wife or something on stream. I think I started humming a hymn the other day before I caught myself lol.

My dad's a pastor, and I was raised in church. Literally. Like -- every time there was an event, and half the time when there wasn't: I was at the church. We lived next door to the church(es) most of the time, and in later years we would sometimes go spend the day there in the summer because the church had AC and our house did not. XD

But yeah: churches. Plural. Being a PK is no bed of roses -- we were chased out of one church by an assistant pastor who bullied the congregation and scared them into "asking" my dad to resign, and in another my then-best-friend's mom led a ring of conspiracy theorists who thought Dad was part of a cult out to take over the world. (I wish I was exaggerating. I'm legitimately not.) We were forced out of our house (because the church owned it) two weeks before Christmas, no one from that church would speak to us ever again, and though I still live relatively close to that town I refuse to drive through it.

I'd lived in ~8 different houses before I was 12, and that particular event ended with us being homeless for 8 months and living in my grandad's basement. it was bad, I still have nightmares about it 20-ish years later, and I've legitimately blocked out a large portion of that year from my memory -- which can lead to some fun discussions sometimes with parents or sibs who remember something I don't.

And because of all that, I... don't have a lot of trust in the church, as an organization. I teased my dad the other day that, frankly, he's lucky all of us didn't ditch the whole shebang. He didn't laugh, actually. He agreed.

These days I'm dealing with what certain circles call "deconstruction" -- dunno how in on Current Popular Christian Lingo you are, but basically I'm going through the (very arduous, very stressful, often very emotional) process of picking apart everything I've ever been taught and trying to evaluate what's really true, what's just tradition, and what's outright wrong. So my testimony is kind of just starting, honestly. I don't have any dramatic conversion story (though I was baptized in January in a church where they forgot to turn on the heater in the baptistry so that's a vivid memory XD) but I'm in the middle of some kind of reformation, rediscovering the beauty and hope of my faith, and we'll have to see what comes out the other side.

Sooooo... yeah. That's the answer there. Probably a bit heavier than you were expecting, so sorry about that. :) Being a Christian on this webbed site isn't exactly... a popular option, so I feel a leeeeettle defensive about the faith that I've worked dang hard to keep and am working even harder to grow like some stunted little bonsai tree LOL.

But thank you so much for the question! And we had a lovely and safe trip back, so thanks for those well-wishes too. <3

[layzeal]

What is "yuwu"?

OH BOY WHAT IS YUWU

carrd 1 / carrd 2

So, 余污 / YuWu /Remnants of Filth is the second novel by Meatbun Doesn't Eat Meat (more famously know for writing 2ha), and is also the forgotten middle child #sad

it's sort of a prequel to 2ha which takes place thousands of years prior, but it's a separate story and you don't need to have read it to understand/enjoy it!

so, our main couple is:

Mo Xi / General Mo / Xihe-jun

Stern, quiet, bad-tempered, mysophobic. Known as the most self-controlled and ascetic General of the Chonghua kingdom;

In his youth at the cultivation academy, when his family fell in disgrace and he was at the verge of despair, he was able to find solace in his shixiong Gu Mang, whom he developed a deep friendship with, (and later, love).

However, all of that fell apart when Gu Mang defected, abandoning him, his country, and his army to join the ranks of the demonic Liao Kingdom, leaving Mo Xi with nothing but betrayal and a (literal) knife through his heart.

So he is understandably put in distress when, 7 years later, Gu Mang is returned by the Liao kingdom as an offering for peace talks, and he must balance his feelings of hatred, anger, betrayal, love, and affection as he seeks answers to what happened all those years ago.

Answers that Gu Mang might not be able to give him.

Gu Mang / General Gu / Beast of the Altar

Bright, intelligent, warm, ideallistic; the last person people expected to become a turncoat

A slave-born who climbed through the ranks through his own merits, he was once Mo Xi's shixiong, and the devoted General of the Wangba Army, and one day defected to the enemy and led inumerous attacks against his own countrymen.

This is as much as I can say about him if you want to go into it completely blind. Just know that... something isn't quite right with him upon his return, and the mysteries behind his motives for betrayal run very deep. The turns and revelations will throw you into SO many emotional loops.

.

This novel is EXTREMELY catching right from the start, with messy characters and relationships, flashbacks that come back and forth almost as if you're experiencing them yourself, slow-burn revelations, ANGST ANSGT ANGST, and MORE angst. I may have been changed as a person.

this is a great option if you're interested in meatbun's works, but feel like 2ha might be a little too much (it def is for me). the dark content is quite toned down, but what it lacks in "fuckedupness" it definitely makes up with heartwrenching angst. it's a very character-driven story, and it VERY QUICKLY delivers on making you care for them!

i assume most of my cnovel followers are here from modao, and yep lemme say, if you like mdzs you'll for sure like yuwu as well!

[meili-sheep]

Tower of Fantasy v/ Genshin Impact

So I only did about 2 hours of Tower of Fantasy. But I'm not one of those people who are willing to play something for 10 hours waiting for it to get good.

Haha, that kind of gives my opinion way, doesn't it?

Let me start by saying that Tower of Fantasy and Genshin are different games.

And you might say, "Well, No shit Kai."

But listen, what I mean by that is Genshin Is an RPG with Co-op. Tower of Fantasy (I'm gonna just call it Tower form from now on) Is an MMORPG. And those are different experiences at their core. And to be honest with that, I don't know how the comparison between the two came about.

Because in an MMORPG, you have to play with other people. And story-wise this is a trickier hill to climb. While in an RPG playing with others is optional. And I like that option with Genshin.

And my big issues with most MMORPGs are the issues of immersion and player agency. Both of which Genshin does well, and Tower does not.

Let me start by talking about player agency because this was my biggest issue with Tower.

Because of the gacha nature of both games, it's optional to play the game as your chosen protagonist. But in genshin, the player still has a contention with the Lumine and Aether. The story is ultimately still about the traveler. And the traveler, like the player, is slowly discovering the world. So the player has a deep connection to the traveler while still not needing to play as them. And the ability to play as a character you can connect more with only builds on this, but the traveler is still crucial.

Now little spoilers for Tower.

Tower's PC. From what I played. There was no reason for them to be there. There is no reason for them to care so much about Zeke and Shirli. The story is about Zeke and Shirli, and the player is chasing them. This takes all the agency away from the player.

And really, this is a big pet peeve of mine with media, in particular, games (Because they tend to be the worst offenders of this), try to pull an emotional scene with character but haven't given us a chance to connect to the character. Let me break down my understanding of what happened to show you why this just doesn't fuck work.

So form I got off the game. The world got the Raccoon City treatment. And the air carries this radiation that turns humans into mutants or something.

The players get attacked and separated from our twin(?) and end up injured, and the devices that protect us from the radiation it's battery die. (This was really weird cause who would go on like a mission and not have that bitch at full charge) But as we lose consciousness, someone is talking about wiping our memories.

We wake up saved by this sibling pair that changed the battery. They show us around the safe camp we do some basic help-out shit. The gacha element is introduced. (And actually, I like the idea of why this came was gacha, but the execution was really poor). What ends up happening is the safe haven is attacked by raiders. We help fight them off. This ends with not only a RE-style fight with a boss who thinks it's a good idea to inject himself with some suspicious goo. ut with, the young girl sibling overloading the device that helps protect her in an effort to protect her brother.

Needless to say, she starts to turn into a monster, and they try to pull off this emotional scene where Shirli is telling Zeke to kill her Of course, he can do it, and he eventually runs off to this bad guy group to try and save her And we follow after to bring them both back.

First off. I had no empathy for Zeke of Shirli. Shirli was your dull typical happy-go-lucky girl who really just wanted to see the world and Zeke, her overprotective brother. So both of them were really very boring. And I would have had more empathy for Zeke IF HE DIDN'T MAKE A RULE WHERE THE PERSON CLOSES TO THE SICK PERSON HAD TO KILL THEM. Like He's a bad leader for not being able to follow through, and he's worst for putting that rule in the first place. Because he's essentially forcing people to traumatize themselves by killing their loved ones.

And the worst part. I was just along for this melodramatic ride. Like I was already building my character in my head as this happy (robot) boy who just wants to help and protect people. Also, a little on the dumb side, which would fit into why he wasn't fucking bothered at all waking up and having NO fucking memories. But It was tough to get into it when I had no effect on the story, and while I could see why my character being the dumb baby boy he was, would latch on to Sherli. I just struggled to want to, and I honestly wanted to see him more as stopping Zeke and letting Sherli pass as the person she wanted to be. But Again. I had no choice.

And In genshin thing can be very linear storywise. The Traveler and their journey are still the strong core of the story. We are the focus, and we are affecting the world, even when Paimon volunteers up forever little favor someone asks of us. And heck, even in recent updates, the Traveler has been showing more annoyance at these events. But in Tower, I felt none of that. Instead of me driving the story forward, I felt like I was being pushed along. Nothing I did would matter.

Now let me touch on the Gacha of Tower. Part of what makes Genshin's Gacha interesting and why people pull for characters. IS THE STORY. In the main quest, we connect to characters like Diluc and Jean, Zhongli and childe, Ayaka and Kazuha. We learn about these people, and we just want to see more of them! To play with them and for me make up little stories about my daily adventures with my team!

In Tower, there isn't any of this. The characters are actually weapons. And from what I understand, the character themselves if a simulation of a former great warrior or something. And I like the only weapon banner, and I like this idea. I'm simply not invested in getting the characters because I don't get any connection with them. Like, I managed to get an SSR. I think his name was Crow or something. And I liked seeing my character with this character's weapon. I just didn't care about him. I think it would have been interesting to see interactions between the Simulacra and the PC.

Oh, a more technical side. Genshin's controls are more intuitive. And the graphics are tighter. I had a lot of clipping while playing Tower, and I had to turn the sensitive way down for the controls not to feel like I was on ice everywhere. (Also, nitpick they called the sensitivity they called it camera and not the mouse. And please, please let me bind skills to my other mouse buttons. I bought this expensive gaming mouse for a reason!)

But here is sort of my point in this long ramble.

Games are an art form. An interactive art form. And That makes it a fantastic way to tell a story! To truly connect with people to have them really experience your story! And Despite all its flaws (And it is very flawed). I can tell that Genshin wants to tell me a story. It wants me to engage with its fun characters, it wants to take me on an adventure, and it wants me to shape that adventure. Tower wanted to bather on about this really cool dream it had about Mixing Resident Evil and Kingdom Hearts, and it was all in space.

[ahiddenpath]

Hidden's Life

Life chat beneath the cut, very long x_x

So uhhh it's been... bad. I'll just go with bad. If you don't have mental/emotional/whatever space for Bad, I recommend you stop here. Let's have a quick lil internet hug, and then go be at peace, lmao! Er, I guess trigger warning for mentions of family... problems? Trauma??? I'm not sure how best to say it.

Family Stuff

I'm not sure where to start or how much detail to share, but... I guess it started with my mom asking a favor that was... Totally unreasonable. It was phrased in a way that put the results of decades of her poor decisions in my hands- "This is a big favor I'm asking, and if you don't want to do it, that's fine... But I'll lose my livelihood because of it." This favor would have also dragged me back into her hellish situation with her husband/my father, whom I have been no contact with since I left home for my own safety (like... all levels of safety).

I agonized over it for a week. I didn't want to be responsible for my mom losing her current livelihood. I called around to family, who all told me that her decisions brought her here, and that they all offered help at different stages, but my mom turned it down. That reminded me of the help I offered over the years that was also turned down.

I scheduled an emergency therapy session to talk about it, and my therapist also suggested I say no. She also recommended that I try to help in a safe capacity, which in this case was researching options for my mom. I put hours into scouring the internet, emailing and DMing with services that could help my mom, and compiling notes for her.

I emailed my mom to turn down doing the favor she asked, and I included all of the information and resources I found for her. Within ten minutes, I received an email saying, "This stuff won't work." Ten minutes after that, a second email: "I guess I'm done, then."

Ie, you have failed me, and my livelihood is gone because of you.

To be clear, the ideas I gave her would have solved her problem, but it would have involved effort from her and bringing professionals into her... professional problem. So basically, it's okay if I put in a ton of effort into solving her problem, but it isn't okay if she does. It's okay if I'm dragged way out of what's comfortable for me to help her, but it isn't okay if she does something uncomfortable to solve her own problem.

The emails pissed me off more than the first call. It's difficult to feel guilt after your offer for help was extremely rejected, lmao (which might have been my therapist's goal, ha!). My mom sent me a text that was just... Awful. Basically, "Even though you let me down, I still want to see you." To which I responded that I was unavailable. She sent another text saying that she was knows she shouldn't have asked me and that she was just scared, and can't we just put this behind us.

Again, I was absolutely launched into another orbit by this. No apology, and a demand to avoid all consequences. Mmm, my fave, delicious. I did one of those things where you write a million text responses and delete them until I landed on something that said what I needed to say and nothing else: "I understand you're scared and in a bad situation, but my feelings matter too. I need some time."

So uh... Now I get to figure out how to navigate this. It's been about a week, I think, of trying to just... Not think of that situation at all, and failing off and on.

I want to be a badass, tough, mature person who can navigate this stuff elegantly. I want to be able to see these interactions as the result of my parents' trauma and learned behaviors, things that existed before I was born and aren't really a reflection of me, or even of my relationship with them. But inside, I'm still a hurt kid who wants to be seen as myself, who wants to be apologized to when appropriate, who wants parents who separate their trauma from their relationship with me.

I'm not sure how this will change things between my mom and me. Although I have taken distance from my mom in the past as needed, this is the first time I've come out and said, "Yeah, no, you hurt me bad, and I need to deal with that before I talk to you again." You might ask why that is, when it's surely been warranted. As a child, I wasn't listened to, and was punished for trying- not like, go to your room kind of punishment, but derision and backlash. As an adult, the response has been to... act confused when I try to express anything negative. I don't know where to go from here, or what I'm looking for.

Actually, no, I'm looking for peace. How I find that will be up to me, and I don't know what that means yet.

Insurance/Paying for Therapy

So my last job offered amazing healthcare that 100% covered my therapy. It turns out my new insurance for the fancy new job at the huge, worldwide company... Does not. At all. Cover therapy.

SooOOooOOooo on top of the stress of the situation, I suddenly owed $155 for the emergency therapy session. After joking that I should bill my mom, I texted my therapist, who asked if I have an HSA. Fortunately, I do, and my company puts money into it annually, so I used that, although it's nowhere near as good as a stronger insurance package.

But ugh, I thought this company had a better package! I feel so caught off guard and frustrated. Which leads me to another subject...

Coworker Arguments

Sigh, so I've been working closely with a coworker, and if I'm honest, it isn't going that well. He has had a lot of stuff happen in his personal life that has translated into me stepping up for him, being unable to ask questions I need to ask because he is out, and just generally being sort of... On my own with stuff that isn't necessarily my project, but someone has to get it done! Let's call this coworker Z.

So one of our coworkers recently had a healthy baby and safe delivery, hooray! As I was celebrating in the lab, another coworker brought up how bad health care/family care is in America. Z said stuff like, "Society wouldn't benefit from healthcare (provided by the government, as a right)." I about rolled my eyes out of my head facing the other way, but stayed quiet as Z argued with other coworker. Then, Z said, "Well my wife and I didn't get those benefits when my teenage kids were born, so how would we be compensated?"

To which I sadly, most unfortunately, regrettably blurted, "If we (ie society) have that attitude about everything, then there will never be progress."

Immediately sensing my mistake, I bolted, not wanting to be involved in the discussion/argument. I thought I was safe, but hours later, Z said, "You know, I was thinking about something you said earlier..."

I was like, "Oh, uh- Yeah?" Sensing danger, obviously. So Z quoted me on the above, and then started the most confusing, disconnected series of statements I have ever heard in my life. I genuinely couldn't follow him at all. He would say something, I would respond, and then he would change subject???

At some point, Z said, "Well I think a doctor should have more respect than, say, a plumber, because he was educated more and worked harder to get there."

I responded, "I don't respect people based on their careers, and I have no way of knowing how hard they worked, or what resources they had or didn't have." I was thinking of my friend who worked three jobs to put herself through undergrad, while still drowning in student debt, vs my friends whose parents paid for the entirety of their education through medical school.

Z pivoted with, "Of course we judge people. Otherwise, how did I pick my wife? By your logic, I could have randomly married anyone."

I replied, "That's... A huge false equivalence? You said you judged people by careers, what does that have to do with picking a spouse?" At this point, I said that I couldn't follow the argument anymore and excused myself.

It's been weird between us since. My friend says that I struck a nerve with my comment about progress- I seem to have challenged his ideas about himself without meaning to. The rest of the discussion was probably him being emotional and confused, hence how impossible to follow everything was. And I was getting upset, too. My family, friends, and myself have all gone through a lot that proper healthcare would alleviate, so to be told that society won't benefit from that... To be told that people should be judged based on careers, when careers are so often linked with socioeconomic background/opportunity...

Worse yet, the latest cloning strat he made and passed on to me was incorrect, so I wasted days of work because he insisted I start as soon as the primers came (ie, I had no time to check). This is like the third strat from him that didn't work. I'm going to ask my boss to let me do my own cloning strats from now own, as I have been for eight+ years.

Work

It is so difficult and frustrating! I actually am beginning to see that I do a great job, it's just that the place has an inherent chaos that I am still learning to navigate.

Speaking of, we were reorganized a week ago, and I had to sit through so many ninety minute meetings where they asked the people who planned the reorg their... opinions about the reorg (spoiler: they thought it was God's gift to the company, of course). I still don't know how my day-to-day will be altered, and in fact, I'm finding that a lot of stuff has changed on a, "who do I ask for this service now," basis.

It's such a weird situation, because there is so much opportunity at my new company, and I have learned so much. But it's also a huge mess, every little thing, and it's so hard to do our work because of the crowding issue and people just... Taking shit you ordered for yourself from your bench because it's gone everywhere else. No shit dude, that's why I ordered my own, thanks for that.

At the same time, I'm beginning to see... I have what it takes in a way I didn't realize? I'm deep diving strats and researching what's wrong and coming up with actual, actionable answers. I'm growing and it's extremely difficult and exhilarating and wild.

But like... Should every day be this difficult?????? I don't know what to think, if I'm honest.

Creating

I'll be real here, I haven't been creating or active online for a few weeks, now. I'm going through a lot. I hate hate hate when the things you love most are the first thing to be dropped when you're struggling. If I've been distracted/not present/kind of "off" overall online, please know it's not you at all, it's 100% me and this mess I'm struggling with.

I'm planning to hold off on my next fic update until Odaiba Day, as this is the only way to guarantee I have something for August 1. Um... I can't really promise anything at this stage. I hope you'll understand <3

I hope you're all doing well! Even if I'm not around much, I care about you! Thanks for caring and reading this, you're a beaut! Take care!

[transwhorefinn]

Assigning jrwi characters enneagrams: Chip

ohhh boy so. My first thoughts were: he’s either a 4 or 7. Hear me out here I heavily think he’s a 4 deep down (this is not because I, Chip kinnie, am a 4 haha). At first I went straight to 7 due to 7s having the materialistic uncaring for nothing but being constantly indulged euphoria stereotype which we see early on with Chip but then I thought about it and I was like “nah that’s so surface level of his REAL traits” which we’ve been shown. So let’s analyze this bad boy

I am going to be using the enneagram institute site because I find it pretty good at just calling the shit out each of the types so.

First off

This

Literally

Screams

Chip (maybe not the temperamental, though he probably is very emotional he’s just been suppressing it)

Now, can’t say we’ve seen Chip at his best so can’t attest to those traits but the “moody and self-conscious” definitely, despite his arrogant facade he has a lot of doubts about himself from his insecurities about being captain to his relationship with the term “bastard”, he knows his flaws and his confident facade is just a faucet of ignoring his insecurities.

(Random note:

What, I mean what little I know of Rumi they’re probably a 4)

Again with the Chip deffo has low self-esteem and his “I’m the best and I know what I’m doing” act is just covering for it. The “Fantasy Self” something Black Rose pirates, just like Arlin yeah yeah Chip doesn’t think he, himself, is good enough and he needs to be someone different or follow someone/something else to be Something.

Whatever the fuck Chip was doing during the Grimm arc murder mystery party thing. Chip taking on parts of Gillion now (the shape water and etc). He has disguise self too. Oh and he lit copied Arlin with the tattoos and clothes and yeah.

Holding onto the Black Rose pirates and Arlin despite the wonderful future he has in store with the Riptide pirates. Fours fucking love sticking to bad stuff and kind of victimizing themselves.

I think this is self explanatory….

So yeah… Chip is a 4. (Okay well I can’t exactly say he’s a 4 because there’s the fact that a lot 4’s turmoils happens internally (shit like fantasizing about other worlds yada yada, ofc not every 4 needs to do this but y’know) and we don’t get that many glimpses into Chip’s head and stuff, also most 4s have a creative artistic factor to them (ofc not required) and idk I mean if we consider his grandeur dreams such as when they were making the blueprint for the Albatross parts of that show)

So now onto the harder part! The wing!

Two options

4w5 and 4w3

I say 4w3 (deffo has no correlation with me being a 4w3 hahhaha)

So 3s are driven by the fear of being worthless and the desire of being valuable. They have a tendency to strive so much to be successful they become so separated from themselves they no longer know what they want, not what other’s want, but them. We see some of those traits of 3 during his conversation with Nicklaus, when he answers Niklaus’ question of what he wants, his first three answers are about other people. Finding Arlin, helping Ollie, win the war. And then he says “Be free, sail around the sea and mess around with a stick all day”.

To prove why he’s a 3 and not a 5 we also need to discuss 5s

So 5’s, their core motivation is knowledge, to understand the world around the, to know everything as a way of protecting themselves from the uncertainties of the world. Anyways I really don’t think Chip is exactly seeking knowledge. Also 4w5 tend to be the “artistic introvert” of the two with 4w3 being named “the aristocrat” think theater kid vs art student (Chip would totally be a theater kid omfg).

ONE LAST THING

I gotta put the Enneagram songs by Sleeping At Last to solidify my point

Listen to it. It’s Chip.

And added with 3

Anyways so thanks for coming to my TEDTalk I’ll probably do one for Gillion and Jay and probably more characters but y’know

Looking at my paragraph it’ll take a bit.

Further readings:

[twigon0metry]

The Gender Dilemma

Either sex and gender roles matter, or they don’t. 

 I’m gonna cover a lot of ground in this post, but as pride month is nearly halfway through now (at the time I wrote this post), it brings to mind something that has been bugging me for quite some time. 

 Within the last few decades or so, there has emerged a concept within the scientist and lgbtq community that separates the idea of male and female into two parts--the psychological gender, and the physical sex. Sex only refers to your body, while gender is more of a mind issue--an idea, a feeling, or a conviction. 

 Sex in and of itself is easily definable...which genitals a person has, the hormonal makeup of their bodies, and often their physical appearance. But most of the world, if you were to ask them what gender means, they would not be able to explain it beyond what they feel to be true. 

 Why is that? 

 Gender is described as a mixture of ideas and societal influences that shape how we view ourselves. So if someone were to be physically male, but feel female, then they would describe their gender as something opposite to their sex. Some people even identify their gender as an inanimate object such as water or space. But let me dial it back a bit, to the first line of this paragraph. 

 Societal influences and constructs--often hated and despised by members of the LGBTQ+ and alternative generation Z communities, yet present nonetheless. When it comes to gender, typically the world has two options, each with very specific ideas and expectations. When people think of men, they think taller, muscular, more objective in thought, blunt, strong, aggressive, and enjoyers of hard skills such as heavy machinery and sports. They think suits, pants, beards, chiseled features, deep voices, and natural leadership skills. When people think of women, they often think of soft voices, flowing hair and fabric, dresses, skirts, makeup, the colors red and pink, nurturing attitudes, curvy figures, and soft skills such as emotional support and childcare. They think of pregnancy and children, and deep feelings.

 These things in and of themselves are not bad. However, the ideas and identities that society presses on us often go too far, and then we have parents raising their children only within those specific barriers and thousands of instances of sexism. This is indeed something to abolish and something to be angry about.

 Now we come to my generation. One look on the right side of the internet will bring you to them--passionate, expressive, individualistic social warriors who live for the next meme, the next trend, the next thing to defend. Despite my misgivings about the culture they have created, I think that the increased social awareness for those who are struggling is a beautiful thing. However, with all of these new concepts appeared, swiftly being approved, and championed to all who will listen, there are a lot of contradictions. 

 First of all, this paradox. If there are no gender roles, no universal definitions, no societal expectations--what is gender? 

 Gender is inescapably tied to our physical bodies. Otherwise trans people wouldn’t get dysphoria, because what they looked like and how their bodies worked would mean nothing to them. It is also inescapably tied to our culture, and who we are as people. To me, my experience growing up as a woman is a completely unique experience. The friends I have, how I communicate with others, even how I think is all based on that. 

 Now, if we were to change the definition of those societal expectations and disregard them entirely in favor of a feeling, what do we have left?

 We have nothing at all.

 Without anything to tell us what means to be male or female, we have nothing. Because those outside factors tell us the difference, the blueprint, how we should feel and act, regardless if it is right or not. From the time we are children, we learn through watching the world around us what means what. People cry when they are hurt, people hug when they love each other. If someone yells at you, that often means they are angry. If someone has an army uniform on, then likely they are enlisted in the army. 

 If we were to never have an army at all, and there was someone in an army uniform that you saw, you wouldn’t know what that means. Assuming there were no other armies in the world, you wouldn’t be able to understand what an army was or what it means that that person was wearing those clothes. They would just be wearing different clothes. 

 What does it mean to feel like a woman or feel like a man? The only possibly way that people could think they know that is through the very gender roles they hate. It is clear in many instances of LGBTQ identities and relationships that gender roles, although they are extremely flawed, are an integral part of being a human. 

 The first example is gay relationships. In many (not all cases), there is a more dominant person, and a more subdued person. There is a “top” and a “bottom”, when it comes to sex. There are butch and femme lesbians--which, likewise, are girls that present more masculine, and girls that present more traditionally feminine. Many lesbians dress and act more masculine on purpose. Why is that?

 It is because the human body is hardwired for heterosexual gender roles. All of those concepts, masculine, feminine, top, bottom, dom and sub all come from gender role norms. They are all derived from them. If gender didn’t matter, people wouldn’t even need to label themselves more masculine or feminine, because they would just be themselves. There wouldn’t be implications of heterosexual gender roles within any gay relationships at all. And yet, there is, enough that it’s considered a stereotype.

 The second example is the transgender side of the LGBTQ+ spectrum. What causes a man to feel like a woman, and a woman to feel like a man? This, besides being something scientists cannot answer, is something that isn’t spoken about much. In our world, the experience of being a man or being a woman is dictated not only by our bodies but through nature and nurture, and societal standards. The way I grew up as a woman is entirely different how one would raise a boy, and as a woman, I grew up in a place of less privilege than I would as a man. Men do not have to think about the possibility of having children, they do not typically feel more complicated emotions very deeply. They do not have to worry about being in a place where they can feel confident and safe. 

 That being said, how then, can a man feel like a woman, considering the way he grows up is so much different? How can he possibly know, since he has never experienced it fully himself?

 The only way that transgender people can possibly even get close to defining this for themselves is their own feelings, and societal gender roles. I.e. their idea of what being a man or woman is like. Again, if there were no gender roles whatsoever, then transgender people would not exist, because there would be no expectations for how to act for themselves or others. There would be nothing to compare to, no “blueprint” so to speak, of how a woman or a man should act and feel. 

 Considering the restrictive and toxic nature of our current gender roles, it is no surprise that many people (especially women), tend to avoid gender entirely and identify as nonbinary. If I had not grown up aware of this, if I had not grown up and been allowed to be who I am and have it not relate to my gender at all, if I was not a Christian, I would have identified as nonbinary myself. Being a woman is hard, and being a man is undesirable to me. I don’t like my period, I wish my chest was smaller, and I don’t want children. I wear what I want, do what I want, regardless of what is expected for me as a woman. I don’t want to have the possibility of being raped or objectified. I don’t want to live within the confines of pink dresses, red lipstick, clean hands, gentle words and demure, elegant attitudes. But because someone taught me that being a woman is better than that, and that I can be myself without it relating to my gender, it isn’t a problem for me. And even so, I, having lived within a construct of lesser privilege, could not possibly fathom what it would be like to be male. 

 The idea of gender I see around me is so shallow. Genderfluid people fluctuate between feelings, ideas, their own interpretations, and choose which one to put on every day like it’s a costume. The suffering trans people go through as they try to reconcile and find peace with themselves is palpable. The children around me, some as young as nine or ten, switching from gender to gender, sexuality to sexuality, trying to find a stereotype that fits them perfectly so they no longer have to fear that they will never know who they are. Gender, and sex, for that matter, has been diluted to a set of clothing you can put on and take off whenever you feel like it, like a child playing dress up. But despite the cries for destruction of societal norms, destruction of roles and stereotypes, they are still there, and unknowingly, enforced even more. 

 Without heterosexual gender norms there would be no terms such as femme or male that genderfluid and nonbinary/agender people use to refer to themselves. There would be no top or bottom, no sub or dom, no gender and sexuality crises. The concept of being nonbinary would not exist, because if there aren’t any blueprints or expectations for your gender, you wouldn’t feel the need to be outside any of them. If there was no specific definers for gender, people wouldn’t define themselves and identify themselves by it.

 The only way that you can truly relate to an experience that someone else has is by experiencing it yourself. The next way is someone else, through the internet, a textbook, or indirectly through society, telling you what that experience supposedly looks like. And if that doesn’t work, all you are left with are feelings. 

 Societal norms and stereotypes are shallow and toxic. Feelings are chaotic and change, just like thoughts. Most people don’t identify with their feelings. If I am angry, I will not be angry for the rest of my life, even if I feel like I will be. If I feel like my friend is talking behind my back, that doesn’t mean they are for sure solely because I feel like it. I would not be able to say that I am an army veteran because I feel like an army veteran inside. I would not be able to say I am a different race than my body because I feel like I am, because I relate to them, because I think that I think like them, because race and ethnicity is so much deeper than stereotypes, ideas, and feelings. It is a lived experience. How is gender and sex any different?

 You can never fully separate yourself from gender roles, because they are the only way even know how to define your own gender. So either gender and biological sex, together, matter, or they don’t. Anything else is an illusion.