outtacontext-galaxy-discord

[epitomees]

I’m to punch your writing bad vibes so get your butt ready.

To be slightly personal, your writing has been one of my inspirations for a while now. If I had to describe your style, it doesn’t dip into overly flowery purple prose that makes it difficult to tell what is going on, but it's meaty enough to put me into a character’s shoes and really give me a sense for the emotions they feel and why they feel that way. Little details like usage of punctuation, bolds, italics, caps, etc. truly sell your muses as their own person, complete with distinct voices. These little things may go unnoticed, but to me, It’s the little things like these that really show how much care and effort you put into your writing.

And generally, it really gives me motivation to sit down and write, whether it’s for a reply or something personal.

Your writing is very satisfying to read, and I know I’ve said it multiple times before, but it has truly opened my eyes to characters I would have normally been apprehensive or understood little about if not for you. There’s something about how you write P5 related content that makes me wish you were in charge of the game. You really hit all the things I enjoy about the game and seamlessly incorporate it to your writing, as well as improve its shortcomings.

(To be slightly personal again, your enthusiasm for this game, through IC content or OOC posts, is one of the reasons why I’ve been able to slowly come up with ideas on how to slap my P4 muses into P5, but more importantly, enjoy the game for what it is. Without you, I have no doubts that it would have taken me much longer to appreciate it.)

Of course, your writing achieving this effect would not be possible without your understanding of the game, its themes and its characters. Not just P5, mind you. P4, too. Despite me knowing the events of the game almost by heart, you always bring up something fresh about it that makes me view it in a new light and keep the P4 era going in my heart, and by P4 era, I mostly mean Naoto.

I know you’ll make me fall in love with P3 all over again soon, so I’m looking forward to that :^)

There is a lot more for me to say, you being a cherished friend is one of them, and also that you are a horrible little gremlin for encouraging my illness known as Naoto Disease, just to name a few things, but that’s for a later date, since I don’t want to make this ask stretch on for miles.

PS remember that I won’t stop loving you dani-lion xoxo

((You are a damn good, genuine friend, Liz. I needed to hear this.))

[fxoye2]

I find the idea that Jim’s views Spock’s attractiveness as serious as a gravitational law interesting— for Spock, I think the equivalent of that, in all versions — even AOS, when they’re most combative — is his loyalty to Jim. Like, he would follow Jim anywhere; he’d do anything for Jim because he trusts him more than anyone. Falling in love with him was something, however, he didn’t expect along with that bone deep loyalty, nor was his attraction. I think in every universe, he’s aware that Jim’s handsome, both in looks & personality, but it’s only when he has to reckon with that on his own that it starts to kind of make it a problem. I do think this goes differently for each version of Spock (I guess TOS/SNW are technically the same version? Idk)

Ohhh man, I love this question, and I think the idea of Spock’s loyalty to Jim being as fundamental as Jim’s attraction to Spock is just perfect. It’s like these two are bound by something so deeply ingrained in who they are that it transcends everything else. But yeah, how that plays out definitely depends on which version of Spock we’re talking about because each one brings something unique to the table. Let me break it down because I have many feelings about this, and Spock in every universe is just… ugh, my heart.

AOS Spock is complicated in ways that tie directly into his internal conflict between his Vulcan and human sides. He’s so emotionally complex, and I think a big part of his issue is that he still sees his human side as a disadvantage—a flaw he has to constantly overcompensate for. His struggle isn’t so much about feeling “less,” but about feeling like he has to prove himself more because of the parts of himself he doesn’t fully accept yet. He’s sharp, he’s snarky, and there’s this almost defensive layer to him.

He’s not the type to openly acknowledge emotions or attraction, and that’s what makes his journey with Jim so fascinating. Spock’s loyalty is a given—he’d follow Jim anywhere, trust him with his life—but the attraction? That’s where things get messy. Spock didn’t expect to feel this deeply for Jim, and it takes him by surprise. He’s always compartmentalized his emotions, but Jim forces him to confront the fact that some feelings can’t be neatly filed away. And this is where we see the cracks in Spock’s otherwise logical exterior. He’s devoted to Jim, but coming to terms with why he’s devoted? That’s a whole other battle. AOS Spock fights against that attraction because he hasn’t yet accepted that his human emotions are part of what makes him whole. He’s always working to keep things in check, and when those feelings for Jim creep up, it’s like his whole carefully constructed world gets shaken.

And honestly, AOS Spock’s bitchiness? It’s his armor. He uses it to maintain control over situations, over himself, and even over how others perceive him. He nitpicks, he points out illogic, because it’s what he does to himself. He holds himself to impossible standards, and it spills over into his interactions with others. His loyalty to Jim, though, is what begins to soften that, even if Spock isn’t ready to admit it. The depth of that loyalty opens the door to feelings he can’t quite control, and you can see him wrestling with it throughout the AOS movies.

Now, TOS Spock is a whole different kind of complicated. He’s not any less loyal to Jim, but the way he deals with his emotions is much more measured. He’s had more time to figure out how to balance his Vulcan and human sides, even if he still struggles with that internal conflict. The difference is, TOS Spock has learned to bury his emotions deeper, but that doesn’t mean they’re not there. His loyalty to Jim is absolute, and you can tell that, over time, it evolves into something more profound. But where AOS Spock is sharp and defensive, TOS Spock is more subtle and witty. He’ll make those little jabs, sure, but it’s less about proving something and more about gently teasing. His relationship with Jim feels quieter in some ways, but no less intense.

TOS Spock already knows that Jim is an extraordinary human being, and I think, on some level, he’s always been aware of his attraction to Jim—he just keeps it under wraps because that’s what Vulcans do. It’s not that Spock’s feelings aren’t as intense as AOS Spock’s, it’s that he’s better at managing them. He’s already learned that emotions and logic aren’t mutually exclusive, and while he still defaults to logic, his connection with Jim is something he doesn’t need to question. His loyalty, his love—it’s all there, and I think he accepts it more readily than AOS Spock does. It’s like he knows, deep down, that Jim is the one person who truly understands him. He just doesn’t express it in the same fiery way.

And then… we have SNW Spock, who, I know, isn’t everyone’s favorite, but bear with me because I think he’s incredibly important to Spock’s overall journey. A lot of people feel disconnected from SNW Spock because he’s so different from the Spock we know and love in TOS—he’s more polished, more… cishet on the surface. But what I think people miss is that all of this is intentional. SNW Spock is raw. He’s unpolished. He’s messy, and I think that’s exactly what makes him so fascinating. This is Spock before he becomes the person we know in TOS.

SNW Spock is a character in the middle of a huge personal struggle, trying to balance the expectations of both his Vulcan and human sides while navigating his role in Starfleet. At this point in his life, he’s still desperately seeking acceptance, and that manifests in how he presents himself. His fit, polished appearance isn’t just a Starfleet standard—it’s Spock’s way of maintaining control when he feels like everything inside is chaotic. He believes that if he can just present himself as disciplined and perfect on the outside, it will compensate for the internal turmoil he’s experiencing. This external perfection is a shield he uses to protect himself from feeling like he doesn’t belong.

What’s interesting about this phase of Spock’s life is that he’s still following social expectations, and that includes how he approaches relationships. The fact that we see him kissing women in SNW isn’t about him suddenly being straight or heteronormativity—he’s just trying to follow the script he thinks society expects him to. Women show interest in him, and he assumes it’s only natural to reciprocate, even if that’s not truly what he wants deep down. He’s still too caught up in the idea of fitting in and doing what’s “normal” to question whether those interactions align with his actual desires.

The heart of SNW Spock’s struggle is that he hasn’t yet realized that he doesn’t need to perform for others to have value. His carefully maintained appearance and relationships with women are part of his attempt to find a place in a world that wants him to be either fully human or fully Vulcan. He hasn’t yet found peace with being both, and so he’s trying to mold himself into what he thinks people want. It’s not about rejecting his queerness or his more complicated emotions—it’s about trying to fit in when he still feels out of place.

Ultimately, SNW Spock is searching for validation, trying to balance the weight of expectation with his own identity. He’s still figuring out where he belongs, and part of that process involves adhering to social norms that don’t quite fit him. It’s a messy, uncomfortable stage, but it’s also essential for his growth. Spock is trying to control the parts of himself that feel unmanageable, but over time, he’ll learn that he doesn’t need to fit into anyone’s mold.

In all versions, though, that deep, unwavering loyalty to Jim is what anchors Spock. Whether he’s young and unsure in SNW, snarky and defensive in AOS, or refined and reserved in TOS, that loyalty evolves into something more—something that goes beyond words, beyond logic. And that’s what makes their connection so powerful in every timeline.

[mercurial-madhouse]

Trigger Warning: Healing is painful, but there’s so much light on the other side if we’re strong enough to walk through the dark.

My hope in sharing my story is to help anyone who reads it find peace or healing, just as I always aim with my fiction. If it feels right to you to do so, I encourage you to reblog this. It is highly personal, but I choose to share it publicly.

************

This past Sunday, I received an email responding to my desire to withdraw from a fic fest. Instead of the simple “You have been removed from the fest” that I’d been expecting through an official channel from mods to a participant, this is the response I received. Please be aware, the following is painful.

***

We've removed you from the fest and will mark you down as not being welcome to participate in future fests. We show a great deal of compassion toward our writers, which is why we send reminders, answer any and all questions, and provide extensions when requested. There's a reason why our fest has one of the highest numbers of fics of any fest/challenge in the fandom - it's because we support our participating writers and do everything possible to assist them as they complete their fics.

However, once a writer has repeatedly failed to communicate and missed both a deadline and an extended deadline, it's clear that they do not have any respect for the fest, the mods, our time, or our own unique situations, as we don't have endless extra hours to track down participants in a fic fest. Several reminders on three different platforms, an extension, and requests for writers to simply let us know if they need more time does not demonstrate a lack of compassion in any capacity. We also showed a great deal of compassion by welcoming you with open arms into the [redacted] after you insulted the fest, insulted [redacted] fics, and made writers uncomfortable last year after signing up to beta their fics, all while pretending to support and uplift writers in the fandom just as you did in your email here.

Have a great week!

- [redacted] Mods

***

This email arrived right at the end of the night, just as I was lying down to sleep. I couldn’t read it all the way through. It elicited a trauma response in me. My heart started racing, my palms were sweaty, I was shaking, I felt sick to my stomach.

I went into fight/flight/freeze/fawn mode. My first response was to freeze. In order to escape the barrage of pain bombarding me, I simply dissociated and disconnected from my body. It allowed me to sleep, but barely. I deleted the email in a desperate attempt to pretend it didn’t exist.

The pain caught up with me twenty-four hours later. I couldn’t breathe, my lungs shrunk in around my heart. My whole body locked up. I couldn’t move. I knew that if I spoke, even to say ‘hello’ to someone, I’d start crying.

The moment I was alone in my room the tears came. The pain came, bursting through me. I sobbed uncontrollably, curled into myself on my bed, begging for the pain to stop, begging for a miracle, screaming internally for relief and to understand what I’d done to deserve this because I didn’t have the air for more than broken whispers.

I fell asleep whispering ‘I need a miracle’ over and over. The mantra blocked out all the disgusting thoughts that wanted to keep swirling through my head. This is it. This is the final proof that you don’t belong here. You never have. You never will. Run away, M. It’s over. You tried, you failed. You always do. You always will.

I fell asleep out of sheer exhaustion.

Grief is intense. These are the moments where we don’t think we’ll survive what we’re feeling. My love, whoever you are, if you are reading this, hear from me. The agony passed. I needed to feel that agony, to allow it to move through me and to give myself the space to feel it. Without diving off the deep end into what hurts, I wouldn’t have been able to find the inner peace to keep healing, to start to understand.

The residual pain is still there, even as I write this post. But it no longer overwhelms my senses. And by Tuesday morning, I’d been given insight into what was happening.

I experienced a trauma response because it mirrored mistreatment I first received in childhood from family and classmates alike and continued into my adult life. In full view of others, it was acknowledged as cruel even by my mother, who struggles with her own guilt because she never stood up for me. No one did.

So I internalized the mistreatment. I must deserve it if everyone else around me is ok with me being singled out like this? At first I spoke up for myself. But in the end I stopped speaking up for myself too. I had never healed this pain and here it was, coming back around again, forcing me to face it, to heal it once and for all.

I still do not know what exactly I may have said to cause these accusations that you see in the email. **I do not and will not deny them.** Even if my words were taken in a way I did not consciously intend, to deny that I said anything that caused someone else pain is to deny my own power AND to deny that everyone’s emotions are valid and worth digging into.

I have the power to inflict pain, just as I have the power to spread and share love and joy.

Whatever I said came from a place of pain, of believing I did not belong in this community. That I am not good enough or worthy enough to be here. A series of unfortunate but necessary events when I first entered this fandom completely disintegrated my core beliefs in my abilities as a writer, something I have always kept so close to my heart, and my belief that I had a place in this fandom.

I expect, as I look into my past patterns, that what I did was try to logic why I wasn’t allowed to belong. At the time, this fest was the only subset of the fandom I knew, I was so brand new. So I looked through all the prompts in the fest. I brought a scientific method view to answering the question: “What is it about the fics people write in this fandom am I unable/incapable of doing?”

This process allowed me to generalize everything I saw that I perceived as ‘I can’t do that, this is why I don’t belong here’. Consumed in my own doubt that I could measure up and write something worth reading, I dropped from the fest last year too. If I can’t contribute writing that’s worth reading, I could at least stick with what I do best, which is helping others be their best selves. I had signed up to beta, and I chose to cling to the only grasp of belonging I had, which was through beta’ing. I ended up beta’ing four fics last year for the fest. And, of course, each of them were (and still are) incredible fics. At the time, it was further proof to me of exactly what I can’t accomplish.

In all likelihood, these generalizations, stemming from a place of pain and jealousy because I wanted to write good fics too, came out in a personal conversation with someone, which they translated as a personal attack. It is valid. Whoever you are, your emotions are valid. It does not matter how I meant whatever I said, pain is what you felt. This person did not feel comfortable sharing that pain with me, so instead they turned to others and shared. My moment of vulnerability and pain then spread more pain.

Pain only comes from pain.

The response was to shadow ban me. In fact, I was never meant to find out about any of this. The pain this person shared was simply taken at face value and that was that.

So on my end, this decision showed up in the physical world this way: Suddenly all my asks went unanswered, people I tagged to share snippets and last lines and get to know more through ‘about me’ posts or who had once talked to me through DMs simply stopped speaking to me in a way that is only noticeable to the person being ignored. I thought I was going crazy. But there it was, right in front of me: absolute proof that I wasn’t good enough to be a part of this fandom.

Is anyone else beginning to see the cycle of pain?

I expect I continued this cycle right back, because the pain turned to bitterness. I’d been doing everything I could to support every author the best way I knew how, and this was what I got? The exact opposite?

I found out about this shadow ban and actual blocking around June of this year. An ask sent in by a friend for me, inquiring why I couldn’t reblog a post that’d been sent to me by someone else, finally gave me the answer that I’d been banned for the accusations you saw above.

Horrified, hurt, and unable to comprehend any of this except to know that I support every author no matter what they write, I sent an apology to the mods, trying to end this cycle the best I could without knowing any of the details of what had happened. There was nothing more I could do.

They thanked me for the apology, though as you can see from the email, it was never accepted. I do not say that as a judgement call, but simply as a statement of what happened. Everyone is entitled to accept or not accept in their own time and their own ways.

I have been healing so much since everything that occurred last year. And the more I dig in to this cycle, the more my heart goes out to the drafters of this email, to the person I hurt with my words who then turned to share it out of context with others, and to the people who shadow banned me in connection with this situation.

We attract to us what resonates with us. Like attracts like. Which means just as I’ve attracted the greatest friends to me, I have also attracted this pain, and conversely, these mods and that person attracted me to them.

Deep down, on some level we share the same core wounds. And the person who can really understand just how painful those wounds can be is someone who feels them too.

So this is my message to the mods of the above email, to those who have shadow banned me and want nothing to do with me, and to the original person I hurt with my words:

I am sorry for my part in this pain. I am sorry for causing pain and I apologize for it. You are loved. You are enough. You are doing a fantastic job. Your feelings are valid. Your hurt is valid. I don’t know what occurred that hurt you before I entered the fandom, but after finding out from others that an email like the one you sent above is ‘Oh that’s just how they are’ tells me something else happened to hurt you before I even arrived.

Your hurt then is valid too. Allow yourself to feel it and process it. Don’t let it consume you. Don’t let that hurt and fear of it happening again or believing that that’s how everyone is push away from you people who in fact love just what you love. If someone has a different belief from yours, don’t let it invalidate what is true for you. Believing internalized lies about myself only caused me pain. And we spread and create what we believe to be true, whether we consciously realize it or not.

So here, now, is my truth:

I choose to perpetuate love. I choose to spread love. I choose to understand my pain and the pain of others, to transmute it, and to heal it, instead of passing that pain on.

I choose compassion. Compassion for myself in making these mistakes, and compassion for those who have hurt me. I do not condone the email that was sent to me. No one deserves to be treated that way. I choose to focus beneath the visceral anger and lashing out, to focus on the agony beneath the words, and stop this cycle of pain.

I choose to belong in this fandom. I choose to support every author in this fandom and ensure no one ever feels not good enough. I choose to own my past mistakes and learn from them.

I choose trust. To trust that those who I truly hope will see this, will see it. I have no expectations of responses or outcomes or reactions. My only hope is that whoever will benefit from seeing this post will see it.

This is not a matter of right or wrong, bad or good, just or unjust. It is a situation of two parties in pain, triggered by the same triggers.

Looking back on that email, I’ve come to realize that half of the pain I felt when I received it was not my own. I felt the pain of the attack, sure, but I also felt the immense pain beneath those words. And I wish I could hug you. I acknowledge your pain and I acknowledge how painful it is because I know that pain myself. I also know that this pain isn’t you and it isn’t who you are.

So I choose to remember the mods I first met around this same time last year in this same email chain. Mods who were so kind and offered advice to a brand new writer even when she sent an email that had nothing to do with the fest and was still struggling to find her place in the fandom. I choose to remember how beautiful that kindness felt. I choose to remember how I was so grateful for that kindness that I shared my gratitude for these same mods in an email with with another fandom friend at the time. I am still grateful for you.

You are so loved. You are loved for being exactly who you are. This fandom is built upon love. A shared love of five incredibly talented lads who have brought so much joy and light when each and every one of us has needed it the most. Shine your light through the dark and believe with all your heart that you are not alone. You have support. I support you. Shine on. Don’t let anyone dim it.

[blackbat05]

I need a break

Shangqi x Reader (Platonic) 

A/N: I feel like I’m loosing steam towards the end of my placement and wow I have never needed a break this badly before. Perhaps a short Shangqi x Reader imagine where they are both University students. Seriously at this rate I’ll just be solely a Shangqi writer HAHAHA. Doing this on my phone because I don’t want to open my work computer. Let’s see where this impromptu idea takes me to. Hope you enjoy it and as always like and comment if you wish!

Genre: PG-13

Warnings: None really, just friends supporting each other! I guess there’s an inaccurate timeline if you look at the MCU but hey this is an imagine plus if you look at some of the wiki pages, Shangqi is actually born in 1998/1999. So appreciate if you’re kind enough to go with the flow to read this comfort fic! 

‘Y/N!’ Shangqi rushes to catch up with you after class. You made an effort to conceal your tiredness but he saw it right through. ‘Gosh…you alright?’

You think to yourself. Were you really alright? The answer was pretty obvious. You were ten weeks into your placement and your emotions were a jumbled up mess. Having to deal with work responsibilities was one problem, school assignments were another issue all together. At this point, you felt like you were just getting through each week for the sake of it.

At first, you believed that what you were going through was simply a transition to becoming an adult. You thought that naturally, you would be able to persevere through the stressful periods by yourself. But of course, it has been hard.

You were a social work intern at a neighborhood youth centre, thirty minutes away if you took the train and bus. The work was fulfilling in it’s own ways, but recently there were self-doubts filling your brain, if you were really cut out for the job in the future. If you weren’t, what else could you do?

As you sat with Shangqi in the school’s student-ran cafe, you found yourself pouring out the exact same concerns to him. Credit to him, Shangqi never interrupted your monologue, he just simply listened. That’s what best friends were for. That’s what you did for him to when he ran into issues with his family.

Even then, he couldn’t deny that hearing you doubt yourself broke his heart. He had known you since high school. You mostly kept to yourself and one or two close friends. Despite joining the school’s athletic team where you were one of the main athletes, you preferred to stay in the shadows unlike some of your teammates. That didn’t stop you from going out of your way to help other students in need; like helping the girl who was in an arm cast to copy the social studies notes, even if it meant you had to do it twice. Or maybe just talking to a friend who was stressed out about their results.

Basically, you had studied your ass off to get a secured spot at this university who were only one of the few that offered the degree. He remembers you telling him the moment you got your offer, ‘I’m finally good at something. I don’t have to worry anymore!’

Shangqi wasn’t stupid. The pandemic had done some crazy things. And by crazy, it affected the self-esteem that you had been working so hard on by participating in various projects and events, with you being in charge of a drama production that was promoting on mental health. That was a big deal considering that you were a major introvert.

Online engagement was never easy. In fact he has heard some of your struggles that you’ve shared with him regarding this and it only makes him admire you even more. For someone who preferred to keep to themselves, stepping out of one’s comfort zone, to take on a role that wasn’t just simply about helping people - that took guts.

‘I’m sorry I’m just loading you with all this. I just feel…’ You trailed off, suddenly becoming emotional again. Again, Shangqi does not pry. ‘That I can’t do anything right.’ You emphasize that you had ended the statement for you were unsure that you could keep your cool if you had tried to continue on.

‘If I hear you saying sorry another time,’ he chides, ‘you’re paying for our meal later.’ Your lips curved upwards slightly before returning to its somber position. Shangqi decides that a meal won’t cut it. He needs to deploy ‘Operation Y/N’. Standing up with your buzzer to collect the food, Shangqi whips out his phone. There will be a few changes for today.

Food was definitely a cure in this situation, but it was only a part of the solution. After inhaling your ramen at light speed, Shangqi tells you that today will be a different Friday. ‘And you can’t complain! It’ll be a weekend tmr,’ he tells you. So why not? You figured that even if you went back home early, your head wouldn’t be in the right place to complete the essay for your English module.

‘Hold up! The VR studio that Katy was talking about?’ You look at the tickets inside the taxi that was taking you and Shangqi to the location. ‘How did you even, it was so hard to get these tickets!’ From the time Shangqi met you outside the classroom, he had yet to see you so ecstatic. Until now.

‘Well,’ Shangqi gives his best shrug. ‘I called in a favor from a friend. Said that it was for emergency purposes.’ He raised his fingers to make connotations in the air much to your amusement.

‘Wow… just how much do I not know about you Mr Popular?’ You teased. Shangqi decides to leave the fact on him having to persuade the Wakandan Princess in giving him free tickets.

‘Please! I swear whatever you want me to do, I’ll do it! It’s for Y/N!’

‘Ey well why didn’t you say so? If it’s for that nice friend, of course!’ Shuri leaves the entrance of the compound, an exasperated Shangqi trailing behind.

Yeah, the VR studio that Katy told them about was also funded by King T’Challa himself. With stunning life like visuals thanks to Wakandan technology, the VR studio was located in a middle class neighborhood. T’Challa believed that no matter where kids came from, they should have the right to enjoy and to explore the world. For now, he wasn’t ready to share that he was on the way on becoming a full-fledged Avenger yet - you just had too much on your plate. He’ll just have to settle with this white lie.

‘Is Katy coming?’ You were on the verge of vibrating off your seat. ‘She would love this place!’ Even when you were struggling, Y/N still manages to think about other people. Today, Y/N will put her needs first.

As if to answer your previous question, you can see an equally excited Katy waiting for the two of you at the roundabout. ‘HEL-LO EVERYONE! LET’S GET OUR FRIDAY STARTED IN PROPER SHALL WE?’ Her loud voice had attracted stares, some very displeased looks too but at this point in time, you didn’t give a damn. Katy was right, it was time to enjoy!

You wished that you could slow down time, or even replay it continuously when you needed cheering up because the only thing you felt was pure happiness - euphoria even. Your stomach was in knots for laughing hysterically together with Katy when Shangqi jumped in shock from a surprise scare from a zombie. ‘I’m keeping that for leverage,’ she tells you, quietly slipping her phone into her fanny pack. 

The Wakandans had really outdone themselves this time. Your favorite VR was the paradise VR. Slipping the headgear, you say goodbye to the smiles of Katy and Shangqi, whisking away to a beach that oddly reminded you of your dream destination - Hawaii. From where you were standing, you were surrounded by green and majestic islands. Despite their sheer size, you weren’t intimidated. In fact, you were healing. 

Your mind was no longer in the room of the VR studio. How could it when the sun kissed your skin, giving you the much needed energy that you were lacking for so long? In the room, the two sees you kick your shoes to the side, going barefoot. It may have seem strange, but with the monitor beside you, your actions were perfectly logical. 

As a kid, you used to despise the prickly feeling of sand in between your toes. But now, you grew to love the sensation that each grain of sand had on your skin. It made you feel grounded, that everything was going to be ok. You raise your virtual hand to touch your face - were you crying? 

‘She must have been really stressed huh?’ Katy whispers to Shangqi who nods in return. How he hated the fact that you were giving so much to your work but still felt underappreciated. Forget the Avengers with superhuman abilities, you were the true MVP. The VR ends and you remove your headgear. ‘I’m ok,’ you automatically reassure them despite the dry tears left on both cheeks. You step down the platform slowly, trying to regain sense of the real world. 

What you didn’t expect was the two embracing you in a hug, squishing you in between them. Maybe that had set off the waterworks. For someone like Katy, she had sage advice.

‘Life can be pretty shitty right? But I’m so proud of you fighting it Y/N. Just remember that it’s ok to be weak. I mean, I’ve seen worse from Shangqi,’ she jabs her finger towards his direction, earning a glare from him. That’s Katy, always trying to add a bit of humor to this grey world. Calming down, you let go of the both of them. ‘Thanks guys, for everything.’ 

‘Hey,’ Shangqi responds, slinging his arm over your shoulder. ‘We’re friends, so we don’t leave each other behind.’ Phone beeping, he retrieves it to check the message. ‘And look at that, nice timing. Who wants Korean BBQ?’ 

Trailing behind them, you get an amusing view of Shangqi bickering with Katy on how many Soju bottles she’s allowed to order later. As San Francisco welcomed the night, you were just thankful that you had the two of them to walk through this crazy maze called life. 

‘Last one to the shop is paying!’ 

‘Oh you’re on Mister!’  

A/N: I really just think that this was also an imagine for me to cope too. So I can only hope to finish my placement/assignments/exams well! To anyone who does studies and work simultaneously, I fucking respect you (allow me to use expletives for now, these people deserve the respect). If you’re going through a stressful time, I hope this brings the slightest comfort for you and remember… YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Again, thank you for reading! 

[makingspiritualityreal]

Numerology Life Path 1 - Your Birth Card and its Ruling Planet

Numerology Life Path Numbers and their assigned Tarot Card Meaning Series

This is the first post in my astrology/numerology/tarot series, that only concerns you, if you are a Life Path 1. Posts on consecutive Life Path Numbers will follow. Originally, I wanted to do them all in one post, but my writing turned out to be so long, I decided to split the post and seperate the Life Path Numbers. The introduction part of the post will be the same for all Life Path Numbers, in case you only read a post about your own Life Path Number, and nothing else.

Introduction   

The concept of a Birth Card links Tarot and Numerology together, in order to deepen our understanding of a vibration of a Life Path Number we are born with. The Birth Card, or rather Birth Cards, are Major Arcana Tarot Cards with assigned numbers, which correlate with Life Path Numbers. Understanding the meaning of tarot cards, mixed with the knowledge of Numerology Vibrations, helps create a more unique vision of your life experience.

A person with any given Life Path Number, having several Major Arcana energies present in their lives, usually struggles with one of the energies more than the other. As a result, life will probably force them to focus on mastering one of these energies. In general, however, any Life Path describes both your biggest downfall and ultimate triumph - just like with an Astrology Chart, the highlighted numbers/astrology houses point to your biggest strengths and weaknesses. For a better understanding of this concept, visit my article “Natal Chart - A map of your issues?”

Remember, that everyone, besides their Life Path Number and Birth Card also has a unique astrology chart. Thus, for some people embracing the higher expression of their energy is easier, for others it’s harder and it takes more time to master, and some energies become easier to deal with than others. Most human beings are somewhere in between, working on their path and having some achievements while struggling with difficulties at the same time 

In the spiritual community, there are differences in opinion on linking Astrological Planets and positions to specific numerology numbers energies. My take is a result of my own personal experience, conversations with other people in my field and research, in order to give you the widest possible spectrum of ideas and increase the understanding of every Life Path Number.

If you are a Master Number 11, 22 or 33, there will be a seperate post on how the Birth Cards apply to you as well. 

Even If you have only a basic understanding of Astrology, Tarot or Numerology, this post will still be helpful to you, because it describes the unique vibrational mix that comes from the expression of both these spiritual sciences mixed together. To calculate which Tarot Cards and what Life Path correspond to your birthday, click here.

Life Path 1 - The Wheel of Fortune, the Sun and the Magician 

One of the biggest struggles of a Life Path 1 is their need to release control patterns, and instead channel them into direction and embrace their own unique path through allowing themselves to be different and authentic. This requires these people to accept an element of faith in their lives, because as a pioneer, they won’t have any easy, familiar, logical guidelines or role models to follow. They have to learn how to identify, trust and listen to and follow their inner voice. That intuitive voice then leads them to a creative manifestation of their life path, as they become a trendsetter, leader and guide for others. Faith in their case means believing in themselves and their path, even if they can’t see a precise outline, and even if they have noone to validate their vision. 

Being born with this life path brings with it issues of the opposite nature to its purpose, before these natives manage to step into their unique creative or leadership position. These people may face rejection, ostracism and lack of acceptance for who they are, they may be rejected for not fitting in, for being “different” and misunderstood, starting with their family circle. This brings out the shadow side of the life path 1, which is practicing control, conformism and people pleasing, while they close off their heart and hide away from following their path. This can happen especially if they carry lingering intense trauma from all the rejection and possible abandonment they faced early on in their lives. Difficult situations can lead a Life Path 1 to adopt a coping strategy - while they people-please on the surface, they maintain tight, even repressive control underneath, which creates internal emotional blockages that result in selfishness, self centeredness, lack of openness and nervous tension. 

As much as these behaviors come from a place of suffering, the illusion of people pleasing that an unhappy Life Path 1 can create can have little to do with actual caring for others or forming bonds, since it is performed out of a need for self protection, not out of love. A hurt life Path 1 succumbs to a false belief, that the world is against them, and that everyone only cares for themselves. As a result, their emotional unavailability can create a high level of internalised loneliness due to icing out or hurting those, who actually care for them. Yet, even a suffering version of a Life Path 1, despite their individualistic streak deeply craves people validating their mission in this lifetime. If not worked on, this internal emotional blockage can stop these people from blossoming and stepping into their authentic role. 

To look into the ultimate expression that can be performed by a Life Path 1, we look at the assigned Tarot Birth Cards. 

The Magician - Being the Number 1 in Tarot, the Magician pertains to this Life Path having an ability to create and manifest their own, individual unique path, without needing to follow others, but rather inspiring others to follow them. The Magician being linked to the ultimate manifestation skill, does so easily because he trusts his gut instinct, and the path simply appears right in front of his eyes due to his own instantaneous, energetic creation. For better or for worse, Life Path 1s have that power, whether they realise it or not. Being such skillful manifestors, they can use it either to build, or to attract and recreate painful events, as long as it’s necessary for them to heal. This points to an essential question every Life Path 1 should ask themselves on the daily - what inside me has created this outcome? Which one of my internal decisions and emotional reactions has resulted in this situation? How did I subconsciously manifest this outcome? Life Path 1s are living proof, of how each and every one of us is an architect of our energetic reality, and how we always have a possibility to manifest a new beginning. A Life Path 1 that embraced this skill is someone, who effortlessly wields their creation power as an art of living. 

The Wheel of Fortune - This card points to the necessity for this Life Path to be able to learn how to handle life’s unpredictable situations, and not lose themselves in their false coping control mechanisms as a result of the shock. The Wheel of Fortune is a card of Fate, a card of sudden, unexpected events, that we have no influence over, but also the card of hopeful new beginnings, the understanding, that even the most dire situation can turn around. This card shows us, that the Universe is a balancing force, that works towards harmony by intervening in necessary moments, no matter how unpleasant these changes may seem to us, and that we can’t know, plan or influence everything with our limited perspective. This card is a projection of the internal faith, that a Life Path 1 must preserve in order to continue on their path with limited external support. The Wheel of Fortune shows us, that we need to surrender to the events happening around us, try to understand the meaning behind them, and make the most out of them. This also links to the Magician ability of creating something substantial even in the most difficult circumstances. These are all important lessons for a Life Path 1, that can resist certain events, if it feels they happened outside of their pre-approved plan. However, a matured Life Path 1 views these twists and turns of faith as new opportunities, that allow them to go even further and achieve more in life, because they know sometimes a shake-up is a wake up call.

The Sun - Teaches the Life Path 1 individual, how to embrace the carefree, free-spirited nature of this Tarot Card. This is necessary, in order to be able to breeze through life and not stop in one’s pursuit, even in the face of external disapproval. Number 1 is also ruled by the Sun astrologically, especially the positive, warming, leadership aspect, that makes people feel cared for in its own, unique way. This describes the role, that a Life Path 1 can have in their community, when they communicate with it from an authentic, open heart space. The key here is honesty with oneself and uninhibited self expression.

Being such an individualistic life path, in Number 1 there is a level of solitary, internal work that always needs to be done, even if it’s performed in response to someone else’s advice or support. The struggle here is mostly internal, as it is a constant battle of being able to have clarity of vision, a fight for how things “should be” and a challenge of embracing how things actually are. As they grow older, Life Path 1s gain understanding, that most of the guidelines they lived by are false mechanisms, adopted from an early environment that was constantly trying to constrict their internal growth. When they mature, they let these restrictions go, and unapologetically follow the calling of their soul.

The path of being a pioneer is an uncharted territory, a battle through obstacles, that does however bring an ultimate victory, if one embraces the challenges and powers through them. All pioneers are call madmen, before they are called geniuses.

[starleska]

when Logic twists: an analysis of Logan, cognitive distortions, and a future Side

spoilers ahead! this is a little deep-dive into some foreshadowing in the latest Sanders Sides episode, and what i believe the team are going for in terms of Logan’s arc. just some thoughts i had after the episode - i hope you enjoy, and would love to hear your thoughts too :) tw for discussion around mental illness, trauma, abuse, intrusive thoughts, therapy, etc. 

so, we all know that Thomas does a marvellous job portraying difficulties with mental health. he uses interactions between his Sides to carve out fun stories that dramatise the the internal struggles which come with facing complex situations, including those which arise from your specific history and mental illnesses. the writing behind Sanders Sides often uses consideration of real symptoms and therapeutic techniques in order to impart useful advice to the audience who may be struggling with similar issues. with all of this in mind, i thoroughly believe that a good chunk of you are correct about this new Side (foreshadowed in Logan’s eyes) being Wrath, or some variant of Stress or Anger, and here’s why: 

Logan is the side of Thomas which is constantly needing to pick up the slack. not only does he spend a good deal of his time de-escalating conflict between the other Sides, he is constantly letting his own dreams (and consequently, needs) fall by the wayside to comfort, validate and assist Thomas' overall desires. we even literally see him benched during the court case with Janus - his input is considered unimportant unless he is deemed as the voice of reason. with this understanding, Logan is viewed by the other Sides as a Side who doesn’t need help. He’s Logic, so they believe he always knows what is appropriate, and how to control himself - or even that he doesn’t need to control himself at all.  yet i don’t believe this to be the case, and i think ‘Working THROUGH Intrusive Thoughts’ foreshadows this in an intriguing way: by utilising the dynamic between Logan and Remus. for context, i am speaking as an individual who suffers from Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), a form of PTSD. whilst the Thomas we know in the Sanders Sides universe is of course somewhat sanitised and simplified for the easier imparting of moral lessons, we know that this Thomas suffers from issues with intrusive thoughts, low self-esteem, and high anxiety. whether or not these can all be attributed to an underlying condition is irrelevant, but what is intriguing is whether these symptoms are being exacerbated by traumatic, triggering or otherwise stressful events affecting Thomas’ life - which, based on the direction ‘Working THROUGH Intrusive Thoughts’ went (using the relationship with Nico as a conduit), i think is true. when you experience a number of traumatic events or an acute amount of stress, your Logic can become faulty. let’s think about Logan not as a super-genius who just knows what is the correct thing to do all of the time: his knowledge comes from a bank of information and experiences, which he constantly uses to provide a ‘rational’ stance next to the more ‘emotional’ traits of each Side. yet Logic relies on evidence in order to build up this ‘rationality’. let’s think about a scenario wherein you are told every day by someone that you are ugly. now, if this occurred later in life, your Logic might have already rationalised that this is not the case - that you are beautiful just as you are, that this person is seeking to hurt you, that they are projecting, etc. your Logic would make those reasonable counterpoints based on past experience. however, if you were told by multiple people throughout your life, every day, that you are ugly - say, from caregivers, or close friends - you would internalise ‘i am ugly’ as part of that internal Logic. in the first scenario, you would be able to accurately evaluate the thought, ‘i am ugly’ as a cognitive distortion. however, in the latter scenario, you may be unable to, because you have this bank of ‘evidence’ that other people perceive this as reality. even if those people are abusers, or have an ulterior motive, the notion will be internalised and become your reality - so your Logic will say, ‘i am ugly, based on all of the evidence.’  i find this interesting because in this latest episode, they specifically had Logan call attention to cognitive distortions. we must remember that Logan is a part of Thomas. this is Thomas attempting to rationalise with himself, to implement mindfulness and CBT techniques which he knows to be successful, because they have worked in the past and he has it on scientific authority that they help with intrusive thoughts. but this leads us to a question: what happens when you experience so many traumatic events, or so much stress, that your Logic turns against you and begins to validate your intrusive thoughts?  imagine for a moment Logan’s awesome rational power - but levied in support of all of Thomas’ deepest fears. in my own experience with CPTSD, a horribly thorny mental trap is the one you fall into when you start down the path of ‘i must be a horrible person, just like they said. i must have deserved everything done to me. look at all of the evidence.’ these thoughts often appear rational due to the intense nature of the sufferer’s pain, particularly if that pain is repeated or prolonged. i believe that Logan’s outburst, paired with Thomas’ fretting over not receiving a call back from Nico, are supposed to represent the building stages of this mental trap. such thoughts are difficult to emerge from, but they become even more difficult to deal with when met with a powerful emotion: Rage. if you have cause to think thoughts of the ‘i am a disgusting human being’ variety thanks to trauma, stress or similar negative events, often there is a good deal of pent-up Rage stored alongside. justifiable Rage, one might say - it certainly feels so in the mind of someone who has suffered so terribly. if one is prone to hating themselves, feeling inadequate or other fertile breeding ground for intrusive thoughts, they may also sometimes snap into the opposite extreme - becoming infuriated by everything that has happened to them, and that they are still needing to deal with yet more pain in the present. this is something i have suffered from personally: when mixed with trauma, it is equal parts emotional dysregulation, and being triggered by something. you might be enRaged by the idea that you were ever ‘passive’ as a victim of something terrible, and want to ‘fight back’. in other words, the emotional state of your Rage will feel justified - and this can cause you to engage in some deeply destructive behaviours. this is why i believe this new Dark Side will be Rage (or an equivalent). Logan’s ‘STOP IGNORING ME!’ speaks of a breaking point brought on by years of fixing other people’s problems, only to receive very little in return. there’s a misconception that people who are ‘good’ at handling stress or fixing other people’s problems (i.e., not showing much of the strain) are simply less stressed as a whole, and therefore should be saddled with yet more stress. Logan’s screaming at Remus, and Remus’ delight at Logan’s response, shows us that Logan is exhausted from all of the hard work that he’s had to do in order to fight Thomas’ intrusive thoughts and cognitive distortions, alongside the massive amount of stress in his life. likewise, by giving into his impulsivity and opening up more opportunities for further stress, Thomas has allowed Logan - and his Logic - to become vulnerable to Remus and intrusive thoughts. Logan may have successfully been able to dispel the intrusive thoughts which had no basis in reality (for instance, a murderer hiding in Thomas’ closet) - but what happens if Thomas is given validation for an intrusive thought? in other words - what if Logan feels he has reason to listen to Remus? i believe this Rage has been simmering within Thomas for a long time, and his debut is going to be explosive. there are lots of ways this debut could be written; some have theorised that Logic and Rage will be a kind of antithesis to the Creativitwins, wherein the two are fused as Thomas has internalised his Rage as having a Logical root. this would have Rage not as a separate side, but a kind of version or alternate mindset for Logan, a bit like how he was when in Virgil’s room. i would not be surprised at all for this episode to include both Remus and Janus - Remus, revelling in the intrusive thoughts which Logan/Rage is now allowing to fly free, and Janus, delighting in Logan/Rage’s validation of destructive behaviours, which may well include Deceit. i could also see Virgil being drawn in by this irresistible combination of Anxiety-fuelling thoughts - intrusive thoughts inspiring inadequacy, Deceit inspiring fear of being found out, and the terror of Logic being twisted to validate every fear Virgil has ever had for Thomas. you know when someone has hurt you really badly, and so in your head you come up with countless (awful, unrealistic, hurtful) ways to ‘get back at them’? that’s what i think the next Sanders Sides episode is going to be like.  of course, like Anxiety, Intrusive Thoughts and Deceit, Rage will have his uses too. i believe, if any of this theorising is correct, that the next Sanders Sides episode will follow a narrative discussing if Rage is justified when one is hurt to a massive extreme, and what Logic can one follow when it backs up every destructive impulse. are you being Logical if you are full of Rage? basically, i think Logan (influenced by a breaking point and giving over to Rage) is going to do everything in his power to be destructive, under the idea that it is the only Logical thing to do. i believe he will fall to the horrific power of cognitive distortions and mental illness, and that the other Sides will need to use their strengths to bring him back. anyway, that’s all my thoughts! my apologies for any inaccuracies, or if anything in here was upsetting. i’d love to hear what you think about this, and your own theories! :D take care 💏

[jerichomere]

MBS EPISODE EIGHHHHT

weak. I hate to say it but I could feel it in my heart from the start. It had good moments but this episode just didn’t bring it home. I’m going to break this up into my usual notes and then some general evaluation. Notes: What is the deal with curtain and food? He has so many weird scenes with meals.. there’s probably some hidden meaning here but I don’t know what it is And they didn’t get to chuck-root the school :((((( Constance? Wants to pour acid on curtain’s feet Haha I liked Kate’s little “Nyoope” when the recruiters found her Martina redemption and the fighting tetherball team, sure Jackson and Jillson get even more unhinged. they terrify me We got Kate yeeting Constance up the tower, but her bucket had a built in rope motor somehow WE GOT KATIE-KAT but we didn’t get Sorry it took me so long And Milligan’s still moody instead of joyous Go Constance, break the thing, yay Number Two and Rhonda had some real shippy energy in this episode and PLEASE they are SISTERS Two more close profile shots of curtain in this episode, one where he is physically shorter than Milligan but dominating the interaction, and one where he’s physically looking down at Reynie but Reynie’s getting to him. Reynie has a heart to heart and curtain passes out. That’s different. Sticky even said, “it’s anger” and he was like “no, it’s vulnerability” oooooookay then. The whisperer is not an intercom/loudspeaker. sheesh. So the kiddos leave and the twins talk, resolving nothing, then curtain escapes REYNIE AND MISS PERUMAL NO COMPLAINTS HERE *sobs* Kate and Madge at the end <3 Constance refuses adoption!?!?!?!??! And no age reveal obviously rip Sticky’s family redemption he’s going to the totally not made up Boatwright Academy now Mr Benedict is like, I love you all, no snowball fight, the end. SIKE Curtain, SQ, and a totally real engineer lady are on a BOAT. You know, I felt bad for the engineer this whole series, as she is portrayed as kind of doing the technical work hoping it’ll be used for good, while curtain abuses its practical application, but her mood really shifted in that last scene. She was like heheh hey guy that I know is definitely is evil, howabout this mysterious blueprint... are they really trying to set up the sequel. Some tree branches will have to get pretttty bent.

Evaluation: keep reading! (sorry it gets long)

To recap what I’ve said from the start, I think the casting is fantastic but the tone is wrong. The darker, more saturated filter, the isolating camera shots, and very understated music make things colder and stilted. This is a constant throughout the whole series. The book was warm, messy, and full of charm, which I didn’t feel watching the show.

characters were.. compromised? Mr B starts off with a LIE about test winners going to Boatwright Academy. That undermines EVERYTHING he does from then on. “Regrettable but necessary” DOESN’T cut it. He’s also just so anxious and jittery instead of his gentile, kind, strong book self. Just from the show, they didn’t frame his genius very well. He seems more like a fool. Not really confidence-inspiring. In the same way, Being directed to cheat is one thing, but Reynie should NOT have lied to SQ to manipulate him into seeing the forest or whatever. Yeah reynie felt bad about it and SQ called him on it, but this is like the core values of our protagonist team, the strong love for truth. Also, I feel like in the show Reynie’s leadership isn’t highlighted. Like, everyone else has their thing but you almost wonder why he’s framed as the main character. The girls got bonding and the boys got bonding but there was hardly opportunity for him to really bring the team together into a cohesive unit Also, as much as I love Number Two’s life of crime (because it’s funny), she too should have that love of truth, but instead regularly does unlawful things. AND they never explained her eating, and even stopped having yellow clothes :( Additionally, the side story of her and Rhonda’s friction (entertaining I suppose) also really changed the character dynamic. In the book, the adult team was unwavering and wise, a sturdy basis for the perilous missions of the children. But their internal strife, while adding drama, makes them seem unreliable and less absolutely good and trustworthy. And I think trust and integrity are key parts of the book’s solid narrative. Constance’s refusal of the adoption felt wrong too. She was like, “Respectfully decline, but. I’ll stick around here.” I think they were trying to keep going with her contrariness, but it just comes across as foolish pride? Constance is a LITTLE GIRL. She DESERVES a FAMILY. SHE DESERVES A LOVING PARENT (and two wonderful sisters). Yeah family doesn’t have to be by blood OR lawful paperwork, but her actions in this scene really just. cuts off the feels at the knees. We KNOW she’s strong and independent but that doesn’t mean she HAS TO BE or even necessarily WANTS to be all the time. Over the course of the series we see her warming up to people, a kind word here, a little smile there, but this adoption refusal is.. harsh. Then we’ve got Sticky. Yes, he struggles with the comfort of the whisperer. And he overcomes it. BUT in one of the earlier episodes, they had him fighting with the team, defending the whisperer, dismissing his friends... and I count this as betrayal. It may be extreme on my part, but I think he went too far. The Society is the Society. In the book he bested his fears for them and with their support. Yeah he desperately wanted to just give in but he had PRINCIPLES and knew why he couldn’t. His honor, his responsibility to stop curtain, and his loyalty to his friends got him though. But in the show he just dumped them. And then was like, oh oops jk I’m back. (I knowwwwww the book has the privilege of being able to explain characters’ thought processes and emotional states, while shows have to work with more tangible actions and words but stilll I did not Like That) And finally, curtain wasn’t smart. He had hired people doing all the work. He just used it to his ends. Less evil genius and more manipulating creep. But this? I’m more ok with. As an villain, he got the job done. But this makes him less of a foil for Mr Benedict and more of an antagonist, if that makes sense. In the book they never knew each other, but were both alone in the world and greatly smart, and they chose verrry different paths. Whereas in the show he and B were always kind of opposites, warring in motivation and method from the start.

Let’s talk about the boss battle (such as it was). I said it was weak and I meant it. The book is heart pounding. There is so much going on, and so many people in play, the narration jumping all over the place in real time, all culminating in that clash at the top of the tower. Now, the show... the highs weren’t the highs. It felt more like checking off story points. Kate and constance outside - check. Resist the whisperer to stall for time - check. Milligan reveal - check. Reynie starting to figure out narcolepsy triggers - check. Constance shouting then you are the greatest fool of all - um, no, that didn’t happen. Constance defeating the whisperer - check. Curtain escapes - check. We got zero action. No good fights. I know Emmy Deoliveira is a kid and I’m not mad at her for not being able to do action sequences or run with Constance piggyback. But there was almost no physical conflict on-screen, and that’s Kate’s real time to shine. Also they had Number two and Rhonda in the tower ready to fight and then they just didn’t. All this build up for nothing. Furthermore, and I think this is the biggest problem, there was no momentum. Yeah they cut from scene to scene, but the music and tone cut scene-to-scene too. So there was like, dramatic music, Kate’s ready to fight! Get hyped! and then cut to absolutely silent, mr curtain staring at someone. feel mildly disturbed. and then cut to Rhonda and Number two being friends and ready to fight! Aww! And yay! Get hyped! And then cut back to Sticky sitting in a chair, dead silent. It goes on like this. The music, the urgency, should have carried throughout, building in intensity and desperation as the kids come together and curtain unravels more and more and then BAM! curtain down and OH NO! the whisperer and finally Constance’s “I... DON”T.... CARE!!!” and then the madcap escape from the island. Watching, I just couldn’t get swept away. Storywise, they tied it all up and logically it made sense but the emotional culmination just wasn’t there. It was over and done too quick. It fell flat. I didn’t feel the struggle, the suspense. And then they gave us a fabricated Mr B and Curtain conversation that didn’t really help anything. And then the falling action had some nice moments but as I mentioned, the things with constance and sticky kind of made it feel less relieving, joyful, and sweet. I know a snowball fight is elaborate to set and film but I would have loved to see it.

Final thoughts I can’t help but love the kids. I’ll say it again, I sure liked this casting. And for all the changes they had to make, the original central plot was there, and most of the characters were recognizable even with all the alterations. So I did have problems with some of that underlying integrity, as well as the overall tone and execution, but I also laughed at the little funny things, jammed to the title theme, and was excited to see this, my favorite book in the world, get more recognition. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to adapt a work of prose into an audiovisual medium, and considering how outlandish the book sometimes got, they gave it their best shot. I didn’t love it but I can recognize the accomplishment. In terms of faithful and well-made adaptations, on a scale of Percy Jackson to Harry Potter, I’d give The Mysterious Benedict Society a 6.5/10.

[inthiswhisper]

on dean’s perception of cas’s feelings in 7x21.

hello, it only felt natural to analyze 7x21 with 6x20 in mind because both were written / directed by ben edlund and i haven’t known peace since this man entered my life.

what’s been eating away at me from 6x20 is this exchange—

dean: cas, we can fix this.

cas: dean, it’s not broken.

—after dean realized cas betrayed him. obviously, dean was giving cas a chance to correct his mistake despite cas not seeing it as a mistake. however, “broken” indicated cas wasn’t just talking about the situation. he was speaking about himself — an angel’s operating system, loyalty to heaven, and obligation to prioritize it. none of that was “broken” to cas because it was ingrained in him.

so, when dean gave him another opportunity to change his mind—

cas: you’re the one who taught me that freedom and free will—

dean: just because you can do what you want doesn’t mean that you get to do whatever you want.

cas: i know what i'm doing, dean.

dean: i'm not gonna logic you, okay? i'm asking you not to. that's it.

cas: i don’t understand.

dean: next to sam, you and bobby are the closest things i have to family, so if i am asking you not to do something, you gotta trust me.

cas: or what? you can’t [stop me], dean. you’re just a man. i’m an angel. 

—dean tried to appeal to cas’s emotions. cas was moved, but he favored his own plan again. dean wanted to believe cas was more human than angel, like anna. but he’s not human, he’s meant to be a machine, which fate basically calls cas in 6x17 — a war machine. angels are preoccupied by the bigger picture, even if they’ve rebelled, like anna again when she tried to kill sam. cas was aware of “family” and “love” — he even said so — but the nuances of love didn’t affect him like dean. cas couldn’t yet choose family over duty. embracing free will through dean was easy because defeating fate aligned with his mission. he just happened to stumble upon friendship / family along the way. so, regardless, the mission overrode his humanity. cas wanted to choose dean, but he knew he should protect heaven.

this brings me to cas’s behavior throughout 7x21. three separate bits of dialogue stand out to me—

cas: we weren’t sure at first which monkeys were gonna make it. i was backing the neanderthals, but in the end, it was you – the homo sapiens sapiens.

-

cas: we were assigned to watch the earth. often, it was boring.

-

sam: you’re in our corner, right, cas?

cas: no, i don’t fight anymore. i watch the bees.

—and they touch on cas’s original relationship with humanity. he never interfered, only looked from the outside at the Great Plan / Natural Order run its course. it wasn’t until cas saved dean that he even entertained his doubts—

hester: the very touch of you corrupts. when castiel first laid a hand on you in hell, he was lost.

—because that’s when the first domino fell. that’s when he truly bonded with humanity. i don’t believe the “corruption” line refers to queerness, by the way. i think it simply means dean convinced cas to continue doubting. he kept caring, because of dean, which to angels meant having a “broken” system. dean was the reason cas fell—

hester: you have fallen in every way imaginable.

—as an angel against god’s mission, and then just happened to fall in love with him too. but the issue in 7x21 is the default setting angels have. anna got punished for straying, cas himself got reprimanded, and hester even uses cas’s pursuit of free will to mock him—

hester: you wanted free will. now i’m making the choices.

—by almost destroying him. (side note: the beauty in that moment is a demon saving an angel, which was clearly unnatural and leaned heavily into going against the natural order.)

so, when sam and cas have this interaction—

sam: it says we need to start with the blood of a fallen angel.

cas: well, you know me. i’m always happy to bleed for the winchesters.

—cas is referring to the consequences of choosing free will because of them and the first time cas truly rebelled, using his own blood to create the sigil and help them stop zachariah.

but cas bleeding for them again doesn’t change the fact that, like in 6x20 when his default was to protect heaven, cas’s default in 7x21 was originally to regress and not interfere. dean’s issue is that, either way, cas has a non-human default he falls back on. an “operating system” dean wishes was more human than angel.

it was clear earlier, during a game of sorry!, when cas believed consequences of messing with the natural order could not be escaped. death warned dean about this and dean even believed in it before getting cas back. now that cas was back, dean believed in him and wanted cas to help correct his mistakes—

dean: i want you to button up your coat and help us take down leviathans. 

cas: i’m sorry, i think you have to go back to [the] start [of the game].

dean: this is important. i think metatron could stop a lot of bad.

cas: we live in a “sorry” universe. it’s engineered to create conflict. why should i prosper from your misfortune? but these are the rules. i didn’t make ‘em.

dean: you made some of them — when you tried to become god.

—but dean had to fight for cas to do it here as much as he did in 6x20. cas either believed in doing the most (godstiel) or playing by the rules of the game (as angels should), where actions had consequences. he tried to fix problems as god, but was guilt-ridden when he learned about the people he hurt. dean could only throw the entire sorry! board game away—

dean: forget the game, cas.

cas: i’m sorry, dean.

dean: no. you’re playing sorry.

—and beg cas to feel instead of fall into a routine of apology or non-interference with no real resolution. cas wouldn’t, so—

dean: the angels — they don’t care. i think maybe they just don’t have the equipment to care. seems like when they try, it just... breaks them apart.

—dean was later convinced (and continues to be convinced) that no matter how hard he tried to humanize cas, the result would not be what dean wanted. despite what was said in 4x10—

dean: you’re some heartless sons of bitches, you know that?

cas: as a matter of fact, we are.

—the capacity to love and experience emotion is there, but too much will ultimately destroy him. even during this exchange, cas implied to sam—

cas: what do you mean “better”?

—that there was nothing broken to fix, or to make better. guilt over what cas did was so overwhelming that sam’s trauma from hell alleviated his pain. in cas’s eyes, to “fix” him would be to “break” him again. obviously he’ll get better, but i’m interested in how this push and pull continues regarding dean’s struggle with cas’s humanization, or lack there of.

i’ve heard jensen say in panels and interviews that dean believes the way cas understands human emotion is different than how dean does. i see why he believes that, but i also think it’s less about “having the equipment” and more about cas learning to feel without self-destructing, like how dean has self-destructive habits as a result of feeling his own emotions.

externally fighting fate with free will is deeply embedded in them and it’s easy for both to do because they’re soldiers. when push comes to shove, they can take it. now, they’re learning something harder — to internally fight. to overcome the instinct to suppress or cast aside feelings by opening up to another form of free will, love, without a fear of consequence. like i said, cas didn’t see dean as family on purpose — he, like dean, saw hope and followed it, then happened to stumble upon something more. i think they’re both navigating what that means and pushing the other to continue fighting for the external, but coming to terms with the internal. it’s only when they lose each other that either man begins to unravel, regress, and / or lose his way, so their fight is as much about each other as it is about heaven / the world. the latter is simply chosen out of instinct, duty, or as a mask for the former — what they really want. what neither thinks they can have.

[awhitehead17]

Universal Signs

Chapter 15 / Previous Chapter 

Also on AO3

Enjoy! :D

There's an overwhelming sensation of agonising pain and cold numbness throughout his body. It’s so strange that he wouldn’t be able to describe the feeling even if he tried. One thing he can determine however, is how his mind seems to be in some sort of haze, making everything seem unclear as he comes back to consciousness.

He’s aware of when he wakes up, he feels his breathing deepen and his body twitch when he tries to move. He barely gets his hand off the bed before pain is traveling up his arm and through his side. He groans and drops the limb back down where eventually the pain tampers off leaving his limb almost numb like. He soon finds out that his other body parts are all in similar states.

The process of waking up is strange. It’s not something that Kon does very often and when he does its usually because of dire situations. For him to be feeling this weak, something serious had to have happened.

In that moment he couldn’t recall what happened, his mind is in a haze which is making it difficult to think about anything in particular. Perhaps he should find out where he is first and then work out what happened? Right, that seems logical enough.

He’s not sure how much time passes by but eventually he’s able to crack his eyes open and blink away the blurriness that clouded his vision. When it finally clears he finds himself looking up at a plain ceiling which tells him nothing about his location. In slow and controlled movements, just so he doesn’t strain his body too much, he lifts his head up and cranes his neck around so he could observe his surroundings. As soon as he turns his head he knows where he is.

He’s in the infirmary of the training operations centre on Krypton.

Kon lets out a groan, his mind thinking about what the implications of what that could mean. From his glance around the room, he finds he's the only current occupant there and how no other workers were nearby. Directly to his left were various machines which all had a wide variety of data blinking on them, they were all attached to the medical cot he’s currently lying on.

That leads his gaze to look down his body. He sucks in a sharp breath when he sees the stark white bandages stretched across his torso, heavily padded on his side in particular. At least that explains the sharp pull he felt earlier.

It’s the physical pain that triggers off his memories to what had happened for him to land badly wounded in the infirmary on Krypton. The League of Assassins. Tim. The fight. Bart. Getting stabbed. Kryptonite. Hitting the emergency beacon.

It also explains why he feels awful, getting struck by kryptonite is never pleasant. It’s practically poisonous to his kind and could kill them if it enters their systems and isn’t immediately treated. Kon wonders how he’s alive.

Gritting his teeth, Kon braces himself and sits up on the bed, it takes humongous effort just to get sat up right and even more to get himself into a position where he’s leaning back against the headboard. By the time he’s settled he’s breathing heavily and feels like he’s about to pass out. The sudden nausea doesn’t help either.

“Kon-el!”

Kon opens his eyes up, unsure of when he closed them, at the loud exclamation of his name and watches as a figure rushes towards him from the infirmary’s entrance. Before he could recognise who it is, slender arms were encasing his shoulders and pulling him for an embrace, Kon’s just about able to lift one arm to wrap it around the figure.

They pull away and he finally sees who it is. Despite the circumstances, a small grin stretches across his lips at the sight of her. “Hey Kara, long time no see.”

She smiles in returns before she’s scowling and punching his shoulder in retaliation. “You idiot! You almost died! What were you thinking about going up against the League of Assassins? Getting stabbed by kryptonite? Rao Kon, you have no idea how frustrated I am with you!”

Kon pouts and rubs his shoulder but doesn’t stop her from ranting. He watches as she starts pacing the length of the bed, waving her arms around in dramatic gestures and as her long blonde hair flicks from side to side with the movements. They were family, cousins, this was her way of fretting over him.

After a moment he looks at her apologetically. “I apologise for worrying you Kara, you know that was never my intention, especially getting stabbed by kryptonite.”

“I know Kon,” she sighs defeatedly. She stops her pacing and slumps down on the bed next to his hip facing him. “It seemed like you weren’t going to make it. I was worried. Even Kal was concerned.”

Kon raises his eyebrows at hearing that, surprised at the news. Kal was one of the top leaders of Krypton, not the top but certainly the most respected, and often gave Kon the cold shoulder when they crossed paths. The only time they really communicate is through work when Kon does a check-in report.

He’s supposed to be Kon’s father too.

“Where is he now?” Kon questions his cousin.

She waves a dismissive hand. “Off doing his duties, you know what he’s like. He’ll be happy to hear you’re awake though.”

Kon nods before stopping himself, catching onto an earlier part of their conversation. “How did you know it was the League who stabbed me? Speaking of which, where’s my team? Are they okay? What happened, I remember collapsing after calling the beacon but that’s it.”

Kara hesitates before answering him. Kon could visibly see the internal debate she was having with herself on whether she should share the information or not. Her hesitation only aggravates him, obviously something bad has happened or else she wouldn’t be reluctant to tell him.

“Kara.”

His cousin sighs and looks at him guiltily before the expression changes into something more sombre. “Your crew are alive Kon. Cassandra was the first to wake and is making a full recovery, our staff were able to flush the poison out of her system and heal the wound. It’ll take a few days before she’s back to normal.”

Kon nods listening intently. He’s glad Cassie is recovering, it seems like she was the most fortunate out of the three of them, getting away from the League the least scathed. He looks expectantly at Kara for her to continue with news on Bart’s wellbeing.

“Bartholomew, isn’t as fortunate I’m afraid.” She tells him carefully, almost calculatingly, being weary of how Kon will react to the news. “He has yet to wake up. They’re having trouble analysing what’s in his system so they can work on an antidote and treat it. For now he’s alive but his metabolism has rapidly decreased and his accelerated healing factor seems to be almost non-existent. As far as I am aware they have contacted those on Keystone and have promised to keep them informed. If Bartholomew’s condition doesn’t improve they’re talking about transporting him back to Keystone.”

Kon merely nods after hearing that. He moves his gaze away from his cousin and stares at the blank wall in front of his bed. Guilt, fear, anger and sadness stir inside of him at the thought of Bart not waking up.

Normally he’s good at detaching from his emotions but when it’s those who are affected that he’s closet too, Kon struggles to do so. Poor energetic Bart, lying somewhere cold and now unmoving.

Kara reaches out and gently places a hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze as she does so. “Members from Keystone are on their way here to see if they can help first, of course they have more insight of a Speedster’s body than us Kryptonian’s do. At the moment our teams doing everything they can to keep him breathing.”

Kon doesn’t think much more of it, he gently pushes her hand off of him and makes a move to get off the bed he’s on. “Where is he? I need to see him.”

Hands are instantly pushing back down against the bed. Kon submits under the pressure, finding himself too weak to fight back and the dizziness from earlier returning at full force. It takes a moment before it passes and he squints at Kara, silently demanding for an explanation.

The blonde Kryptonian glares back, crossing her arms over her chest in a show of annoyance. “You’re not going anywhere yet Kon-el. You are not nearly recovered enough to do so. You had severe Kryptonite poisoning, you’re lucky it didn’t kill you. It’s going to be several days before you’re back to normal then even longer before you have all your abilities back.”

Kon huffs and thumps his head against the cushion underneath his head. He doesn’t want to admit it but he knows she’s right.

Kara settles back down at his hip. “To answer your other question, once Cassandra woke up, I spoke to her and kept her company. She explained everything that happened and what’s been going on with your team recently. Of all the beings in the universe Kon, it happens to be you who stumbles across a human being from Earth! Mind explaining that one?”

Kon shakes his head in disbelief, a ghost of a smirk crossing his lips at the coincidence of it all. “I don’t know. We were doing our job and there was this human who was lost, confused, scared and I knew I had to help him. In my defence I didn’t know he was human to begin with.”

Kara raises an eyebrow and smiles. “That so? And as if helping the human wasn’t enough, you manage to get yourself mixed up with the League of Assassins at the same time! What were you thinking Kon!”

“It wasn’t intentional!” Kon exclaims, he waves his hands about uselessly. “We were going to finish our task, return the items and then go and take Tim home. The League just is an unfortunate factor, one of which has nearly killed my friend and is probably torturing Tim as we speak!”

His cousin doesn’t say anything for a long time, she simply sits there on the edge of the bed observing him. He doesn’t know what she’s thinking, not sure if he actually wants to know. In the end, whatever it is, she keeps it to herself and stands up from the bed. “I’ll let them know you’re awake, they’ll want to check you over and once you’re cleared you’ll need to go speak to Kal. He has questions.”

Kon closes his eyes and sighs. That’s a conversation he really would rather not have.

Kara pats his shoulder once before turning around and leaving. Then just like before she came, he was alone in the infirmary once again. It doesn’t stay that way for long because Cassie is soon bursting into the room. Kon perks up and barely slides off the bed by the time she reaches his side.

She bends down and pulls him up for a hug. “Thank Hera, you’re alive Kon. I was so worried, when Kara told me I was the first one awake and now that Bart may not wake up, I had no idea on what to think.”

Kon embraces her as tightly as he could before having to let go and slumps back down on the bed, his body still too weak to be upright. “I’m so sorry Cassie, none of this was ever supposed to happen. I never intended for things to escalate like this. And now Bart is hurt, you’re wounded, Tim is back in their hands and we’ll probably lose our jobs and positions because of my decisions.”

A sharp smack to the side of his head makes him jerk and look at her in surprise. Before he could voice his protest she’s pointing at him and glaring. “No. Absolutely not Kon. You’re not taking the blame for this, none of this was your fault. We all knew the risks of bringing that human on board, furthermore we knew what we were risking after we found out who was after Tim.”

“It wasn’t supposed to escalate so much,” Kon comments weakly, knowing she was in fact right with her words. They did know what they were getting into, Kon said it himself that they’ll deal with the League when they come across them but now that they have? Kon knows he was way out of his depth. The League are a force he, and his team, weren’t prepared to face against at all.

“It never does,” Cassie says lightly, “What’s happened is awful but Bart is a fighter, something we both know and we know he’ll fight until he can’t. He’ll be fine. He’ll be back chattering our ears off before we know it.”

Kon opens his mouth to agree with her, that their friend is a fighter who won’t let something like this stop him, when a low, deep voice speaks up from the door of the infirmary. Cassie and Kon both look over to find a Kryptonian worker standing there in an upright position with his hands behind his back.

“The commander wishes to speak with the two of you. Immediately.”

His tone and words leave them no choice in the matter. Kon shares a grave look with Cassie before nodding at the worker.

“We’re on our way up.” Cassie tells him. She turns back to Kon, looking over him with concern. “Are you okay? Do you need help?”

Kon grits his teeth and slides off the bed, having to grab hold of the edge for balance when he stumbles slightly. He could feel his body trembling with exertion, his body still weak from the kryptonite poisoning he suffered. He sends his team mate a look. “Help may be needed, please.”

Cassie says nothing as she takes one of his arms and throws it over her shoulders and as she positions her arm around his back.

After grabbing him some clothing, they wordlessly make their way up to the head office of the training operations centre where Kal is waiting for them. As they travel Kon marvels at everything around him, all sorts of memories and feelings coming back to him as they pass through the corridors of the centre.

The TOC is a central base for youthful Kryptonian’s who are choosing their career paths. It helps them learn the basic and fundamental skills, how to fight, survival on different planets, how to control their abilities and much more.

It’s practically where Kon grew up and where he met Cassie and Bart for the first time.

Krypton has a strong alliance with other planets throughout the universe, it’s one of the strongest to currently exist. With that alliance it allows opportunities to happen such as exchange programmes; this means beings from certain planets can come to Krypton to learn the culture and their ways while in return Kryptonian’s can visit their planet and learn their culture and ways.

It’s an opportunity to meet other species and see how they live, it also provides the chance to help strengthen bonds between the planets for any future business that may take place.

Kon met Bart and Cassie because of this exchange programme, the two of them were visiting Krypton and were staying at the training centre where Kon had been at the time learning battle strategies.

The three of them surprisingly hit it off and by the end of the programme they had decided to form a team between them. They chose to go down the collector’s career path, this was so they could stay together, get their own space ship, explore the universe and genuinely have fun while doing it.

And now here they are in the future, still at it and getting into all kinds of trouble. Getting into messes that was way out of their contracts.

“Enter.”

Kon blinks at hearing the voice. It’s only then that he realises he and Cassie have made it to the head office and were waiting outside of the room to be called in. Once the voice could be heard, Cassie leads them into the room, only stopping their movements when they’re standing in front of the desk.

It’s a simple room. One desk by a wall with a couple of chairs in front of it. Adjacent to it was a large book and storage self, on the opposite side was a small table surrounded by a couple more chairs. Behind the desk there was a large open pane window that allows spectacular views of the city below to be seen.

By the window is a tall, broad shouldered being. He’s currently staring out of the glass, not paying them any attention. Kon subtly pushes against Cassie’s hold, attempting to hold his own weight. He still felt weak and shaky but he needs to appear strong in front of this Kryptonian, looking weak won’t get him anywhere. She lets him go but keeps a hand resting on his lower back in light support just in case.

Kon takes a breath and draws to attention. “Sir. You wanted to see us.”

The Kryptonian turns and Kon’s met with an identical reflection of himself. It’s still unsettling about how much they look alike, father and son. Same black hair, same facial structure, identical blue eyes. Thankfully appearances is as far as it goes, they weren’t anything alike personality wise.

“Yes I did. Thank you for coming. Take a seat, I know how taxing the last few days have been for the both of you.”

While Kon would rather stay standing, to be on equal ground for the conversation they’re about to have, he knows he won’t be able to stand up right for much longer and silently takes one of the chairs in front of the desk. Taking the seat now by his own choosing looks better than collapsing into one later on. Besides him Cassie follows suit.

“Kon-el, it’s good to see you awake and moving about. How do you feel?” Kal asks.

Any other time, Kon would be grateful for the attention but he knows his wellbeing isn’t a priority of Kal’s.

“I’m well.” Kon tells him curtly. “But we all know that isn’t why you wanted to talk to us.”

Kal narrows his eyes at Kon. “Very well.” The older Kryptonian moves to the desk and sits down in the chair facing them. He sits up straight and stares at them, almost daring them to disobey him. “You lied to us Kon-el. You and your team are in serious trouble for your actions and the consequences they have resulted in.”

Kon opens his mouth to comment but a sharp look being sent his way keeps him quiet.

“We told you to be alert because of the rumours going around about there being a human from planet Earth in this part of the universe. We had warned you, only to find out you were hosting the human being the entire time! Do you have any idea what kind of implications this has caused, what this could mean not only for human beings, or even Kryptonian’s, but for every other species as well?”

“He was lost and scared!” Kon exclaims, unable to keep himself quiet any longer. “All we wanted to do was help him and get him back home. How were we supposed to know that Tim was involved with the League of Assassins?”

“Exactly. The very idea that a human had reached this part of the galaxy was a concern itself. They are by no means developed enough to have discovered space travel or advanced enough to have developed the technologies to assist with it. A human in this part of the universe is by no means an accident. Finding out that there is one around means something major is happening.

Furthermore we’re finding out that the League of Assassins is behind this, it means they are scheming and planning something to which we have no ideas on what it could be. That leaves us, and all of our allies, in a vulnerable position.”

Kal is staring at them with fire in his eyes, his lips are firmly set in a line and Kon couldn’t help the anger that boils inside of him. He isn’t one to lose his temper quickly, but Kal alone is enough to set him off.

“This isn’t Tim’s fault sir.” Cassie says evenly. “He had no idea who he had been kidnapped by, he couldn’t understand anyone until we were able to get him a universal translator fitted. It wasn’t until we discovered that Tim had somehow managed escaped the clutches of the Demon’s Head that he was even involved with the League to begin with.”

Kon appreciates Cassie backing him up, even after all of her spitfire towards the human, she does care about him and doesn’t wish him any harm.

“We’re not saying this is his fault. We’re saying you should have reported to us immediately as soon as you found him.” Kal snaps back. “The League of Assassins and the Demon’s Head are forces we do not want to cross paths with under any circumstances.”

“It’s not like it was intentional. We didn’t tell the leaders because we didn’t know what you would do to Tim. For all we know, you would have simply negotiated with the League and handed Tim back to them to stop whatever war is headed our way. Your priority wouldn’t have been Tim’s safety.”

“You’re right it wouldn’t have been, the priority is, and will always be, Kryptonian’s first. But now because of your team every species is at risk of whatever the Demon’s Head is planning. Just because he now has the human once again doesn’t mean he’s going to let it go. A Kryptonian, an Amazon and a Speedster all ‘took’ something that ‘belonged’ to him, he’s going to take that as a personal offense and use it as a declaration of war against us.”

Kon grits his teeth to stop himself from lashing out once again. It’s frustrating because he can see what Kal is saying but underneath it all he’s talking about simply handing Tim over and being done with it. Kon wouldn’t, couldn’t, accept that.

He squares his shoulders and levels Kal a firm look, not backing down as the older Kryptonian’s fiery gaze meets his own. “I don’t regret my actions, I would happily hide Tim’s presence from you and the leaders again in heartbeat, especially after finding out you’d happily chuck him back to the League with no remorse.

Punish us all how you please, the League has already had a stab at all of us, one of which is still unconscious who may not wake up, so it can’t be any worse than that. For now, my team and I are going to find a way to rescue Tim from the clutches of the Demon’s Head because no one, no matter what species they are, deserves to be in the hands of that monster. Then we can deal with the repercussions and whatever war is impending throughout our galaxy.”

There's a moment of silence as Kon’s words hang in the air between them all. Kal’s sat there looking at him shocked while next to him Cassie’s playing the blank emotion card. Kon knows he's going to have to have a serious conversation with her about everything soon.

Kal, predictably, is livid. “You will absolutely not get any more involved than what you are already. From now on, until this is situation is solved, Young Justice are to stay on Krypton and not leave the planet under no circumstances. That is an order.”

Kon raises an unimpressed eyebrow, he’s long gotten used the authoritative voice Kal has and they both know how good Kon is at following orders.

Instead of arguing and protesting at the unfairness of it all he sends Kal a fake smile and carefully climbs up to his feet. “Very well father. This has been a lovely talk but I’m feeling rather drained. If you would excuse me, I’m going to go rest up. After all I am still recovering from Kryptonite poisoning.”

Without waiting for any more words Kon turns and begins to make his way out of the office. Cassie is quickly there by his side, wrapping an arm around him like they had been earlier and helps him walk out of the room.

To his surprise Kal doesn’t call or shout at them from behind, he silently lets them leave on their own accords.

“You are so explaining to me what that was about Kon!” Cassie hisses into his ear as they walk through the corridors of the centre.

“Head to our old rooms.” Kon mutters to her as they turn a corner. “I know and I will. I mean it Cassie. We need to go back and rescue Tim, we can’t leave him there.”

Cassie is silent for a moment before she’s speaking up. “It won’t be easy.”

He doesn’t know if she’s indulging him or if she’s actually on board with the idea. “I know.”

“Everyone will be against us. We’ll have to sneak off, steal a ship, then get out of the planet followed by working out a plan on how we even get close to the League of Assassins base, not alone mention where would we find Tim and then the escape afterwards.”

“When have we ever done something that's easy?” Kon grins at her. “We have to Cass. You can either join me or I’ll go by myself anyway.”

“Well for starters, we need to rest and recover. Then we’ll talk about it.”

Kon continues grinning. Even though she hasn’t verbally confirmed it, he knows she’ll help him rescue Tim. It sucks they won’t be here for Bart but maybe the Speedster will wake up before they go. Either way Kon knows his next mission and he’s going to make sure he sees it through.

[dorevenge]

where ignorance is bliss - chapter 2: where grass was green

SUMMARY: Obadiah is off to Washington to assist with the war in Vietnam, and Peggy and Maria grow closer, as Maria learns something she wishes she didn't. [AO3 LINK]

CHAPTERS: 1 [2] 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 ☆

November 15, 1959 – Bronx, New York, Obadiah’s Apartment

Struggling to find ways to pass the time after the war, Peggy frequented my apartment. The Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division (or, S.H.I.E.L.D., as everyone says to save precious time) has been involved in the fight with Vietnam for a few years now. Obadiah left for Washington right after the Stark Expo to give weapons consult in the war, and I haven’t seen him in almost three months. We would write letters sometimes, and phone even less. I moved into Obie’s apartment to take care of the place while he was away for an indeterminate amount of time, and Peggy crashed in the living more times than she would care to admit.

“Did you love him?” I ask, fixing the two of us another round of Old Fashions. The empty Chinese carryout containers are scattered across the coffee table before us. There’s a good restaurant between the S.H.I.E.LD. Headquarters and the apartment, and Peggy will frequently grab something on the way here.

“I only knew him for a couple months,” Peggy replies, taking the glass. I curl up next to her on the couch, our heads leaning in towards each other. “So it’s hard to say. It could have been. We were both young, thrown together during some of humanity’s darkest days. We were all looking for something to believe in.”

She swirls the glass in her hand, lazily watching the whiskey fall back down the side before continuing.

“What about you and Obadiah? Is this love?”

“I don’t want to talk about him.” The corners of my mouth curl downwards on their own. Peggy notices. Peggy always notices.

“Trouble in paradise?��

“It’s more like paradise when he’s gone rather than when he’s here.”

“Why is he your boyfriend if you don’t even like him?”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” I take a large gulp of my Old Fashion, the whiskey burning the back of my throat. “He’s my fiancé.”

Peggy sits up, and my head slides off her shoulder to the cushion of the couch.

“Your what?” She takes my left hand into hers and finds my ring finger bare.

“I keep it in my sock drawer. Whether out of safekeeping or embarrassment, I’m not sure.” I sit up.

“When did this happen? And why did you say yes?” She looks at me with a tight expression, concern and worry on her face. Her red lipstick is all but gone, a faint imprint of it left on the rim of her class, and her usually tight curls hang loose around her neck and chin. If she weren’t so upset, I’d reach out to tuck one of them behind her ear.

“The last day of the Expo. He… He’s comfortable. We have our routine. We play chess together, I straighten his ties, I smile at the men he wants to invest in his company. I get some of the profits for my charities, and we make each other look good.” I frown at the empty glass in my hand and contemplate fixing another.

Peggy sets down her unfinished drink and looks at me. She has a way of effortlessly shifting her gaze from disapproving to comforting in a second. I never know if I’m going to be talking to the “unrelenting founder of S.H.I.E.LD.” Peggy or the “let’s go shopping and day-drinking” Peggy.

“I’m sure there’s a man out there that complements you and makes you feel good. You just-”

“-haven’t found him yet,” I finish her sentence. I’ve heard it from everyone – my parents, coworkers, strangers who learn I’m 23 and still unwed. 24, I remind myself; my birthday was on the fifth, less than two weeks ago. I feel the effects of the whiskey settling in, my eyes growing heavy and my weight shifting to my stomach. “You’re lucky to have experienced two great loves.”

“Daniel is far from a true love, hence why I stay with you the majority of the week. I’m also fourteen years older than you and have had more time to find them. I was 24 when I met Steve; there’s still plenty of time.”

“There doesn’t seem to be many men like Steve left.”

-

Peggy was gone without a word the next morning, and I am left alone with a pounding headache. By the time I wake, its well past noon on Saturday, and the mail’s already been delivered under the door.

I rifle through the envelopes once my toast is done, the coffee pot almost full, and the majority of the mail is addressed to Obadiah. Bills and letters of interest from inventors that I’m supposed to forward to him in DC. There’s a letter addressed to me in his precise, meticulous handwriting, but the one that interests me most is from Roxxon Oil Company, a large, thick packet with “CONFIDENTIAL” stamped across it. Naturally, I open it.

Maybe it’s the lingering hangover or the knowledge that Obie would forgive me for anything under the sun, but I rip open the envelope as I sip on my morning coffee, pouring all its contents out on to the table.

Most of the information doesn’t interest me, talking about drill efficiency and rigs and pipelines, until I find the balance sheet and investing information. I did get my master’s in accounting, as Obie tends to forget as he relegates me to a trophy wife. As I drift back into sobriety, the pieces start falling into place. Roxxon isn’t investing in Stane International; Stane is investing in Roxxon, and they were already profiting, working together, inventing together. The copies of the blueprints are of Obie’s design, seeking to create clean energy to replace gasoline down the road. In the last two years, Obadiah has made hundreds of thousands of dollars, with deposits and withdrawals from countless accounts, and reinvesting it, the paper trail deliberately as confusing as possible. I’d call it embezzlement if it weren’t his own company.

I get a scratch piece of paper and start doing the math. It isn’t adding up. Nothing is adding up, the dates and locations, let alone the cash, with several documents addressed from Russia. I sit up, my heart in my throat, pulsing so hard it feels like the world around me was shaking.

Obadiah is not a sneaky man by nature. I knew that he was interested in me before he realized it; I knew when he was going to ask me to go steady with him; I know when he is on the brink of a great new idea. He tries his best to hide things, but every move of his body betrays him. I’ve caught him sticking things in the back of his closet and under his bed more times than I could count, and I’ve never had the opportunity to check with him there. But seeing as he’s away…

Kneeling, I fumble underneath the bed frame until my fingers find purchase on a briefcase, and I slide it out. I wrestle with the knobs until I realize there’s a four-digit code keeping it locked. Before I mess with the dials, I notice the number. 0213.

“Oh, Obie. Do you have to be so predictable?” February 13th was our first date; he chose the day before Valentine’s Day because he believed the holiday of romance should be reserved for people already together, and he made a spectacle on 14th because we were together at that point, by his logic.

The top of the briefcase pops open at my touch, and inside I find numerous telegram slips, copies of both those sent and received. I sift through them quickly, none of them really catching my eye, filled with code words that I didn’t have the motivation to try to decipher. One of them caught my eye, and this is one of the only times Obie’s over-organization paid off because the telegrams were in chronological order.

RECEIVED

September 21, 1957

To: Stane, O.

O., I am glad to hear you secured the trust-fund. Let me know what day you’ll tie the knot, and I’ll tell you where to wire the funds. I might just send you a gift to celebrate.

NEFARIA, G.

SENT

September 28, 1957

To: Nefaria, G.

I’ll be traveling for work extensively the next four months. Please send files to Location 2. She can’t know anything.

STANE, O.

RECEIVED

September 30, 1957

To: Stane, O.

O., safe travels. Remember the end goal – the reactor that threatens our future. It cannot be manufactured by anyone but us, for our sake.

NEFARIA, G.

Prior, my heart had felt like it was running a mile a minute; now, it feels still in my chest. Dead in the water, like a stunned minnow tossed in to attract larger fish. “The trust fund.”

I had been courted before for my parents’ wealth. In college, a boy had pursued me relentlessly. He made me feel beautiful, special, and like the only star in his sky. He had convinced me that love was this roller-coaster rush of emotions, one collision after the other, until his dormmate clued me in on his intentions. That’s why I try to keep Obie in the dark about what I’ll inherit, how big my trust-fund really is. Growing up, I was unaware of how good we had it; all my friends in boarding school were from the same social and financial class, we all vacationed at the same spots and shopped at the same boutiques. It took a lot of eye-opening experiences at university for me to realize life was different for others, and it honed my ability to detect insincere motives. Too little, too late, but I won’t let it happen again.

With shaking hands, I put the papers back in their order, and I snap the briefcase closed, pushing it back under the bed with a force. I return to the kitchen table where I had spread the other documents out, collect them, and place them back as they were. I’m not sure if I need to try to seal it to make it look unopened, or if I should destroy the whole thing. He hadn’t asked me about forwarding this one specifically, so he might not be expecting it. Under the documents, I find the letter addressed to me again. Obie’s handwriting hits me differently now. How well do I actually know the sender?

Mar- (God, I hate it when he calls me Mar.)

I am writing to you with success here in Washington DC. We have made valiant efforts with the war. We expect Vietnam to concede soon. Our troops are vigilant and the best America has to offer, and their farmers pose no threat to us or the hope of victory. I expect to return home to you Friday the 15th of November. I’m sorry, darling, that I missed your birthday, but perhaps I can make it up to you.

See you soon at home,

Your Obie

Friday. Today was Friday.

The living room was a mess. Peggy’s and my drinks and dinner dishes scatter the room, the mail on the table, and I look equally disheveled. I know Obie would be disappointed, as the apartment is always speckless when he’s here.

I am a flurry around the house, collecting garbage in the bin and dishes in the sink. I tie the heaping garbage bag and leave it by the door, and rush to check my appearance in the bathroom. A scarf around my hairline will make the windswept, frenzied style look intention, and I change into a simple blue sundress. Obie didn’t have a dishwasher, so I put an apron on to protect my dress from the dishwater.

As I was setting the last glass out to dry, a knock resounded from the front door. I could feel it reverberate in my chest, and my heartbeat pulsed in every finger in my hand. Shaking, I set the glass down, wiped the water off my hands, preparing myself to smile and wine-and-dine the man I’ve already committed myself to.

[hatlvs]

hi  ..  it’s  cecy  again,  i’m  so  sorry  skfdsl  i’m  the  mun  of  OPHELIA  AYDIN,  now  bringing  u  my  son,  atlas  !  just  hit  the  heart  if  u  wanna plot  !  @mapleviewstarters​

『 jonathan daviss. twenty-two. cis-male. he/him. 』 oh heavens, is that ATLAS HOLMES from CHESTNUT DRIVE i see roaming around mapleview? minnie may’s always calling them -APPREHENSIVE & -RESOLUTE. i happen to think they’re not that bad! they’re a pretty cool VET INTERN and every time i’ve seen them, they’ve always been +DILIGENT & +INTUITIVE. i hope i see them around again!

tw: drugs, physical abuse, stabbing.

THEN:

atlas is born and raised in mapleview, been here his whole life, his family has been here for several generations and the name is very respected. his grandparents were very involved in town politics and stuff

his parents are the town’s weirdos like they’re very open, very fun, were definitely hippies once upon a time and still kinda live by that. everyone who’s met them and are friends of atlas’ are adopted by the holmes’ now. i don’t make the rules

atlas has an older brother, orion, yes his parents had a theme, and after they got him things became really hard for two ppl who weren’t really used to taking responsibility. they started using a lot and whilst they were always very loving, they also tended to unintentionally neglect their son

things got worse when atlas came around, definitely a mistake and his parents tried their best to fit him into their lives, but there really was no room for children in their then current lifestyle

a long custody battle erupted between atlas’s parents and atlas’s grandparents. most of atlas’ early childhood was spent bouncing between them, but at 7 his grandparents won custody over him. orion, 14 at the time, got to stay with their parents

his grandparents were a literal nightmare, very religious people, atlas was not allowed to do pretty much anything he wanted to do and was expected to be the perfect grandson at all times. any mistake was punished, any time he spent w friends outside of school hours were punished. that didn’t stop him from sneaking out to hang out w lane tho

he was very often physically abused, would show up with new wounds and bruises every week at school, but would ofc blame it on being clumsy etc etc. it’s a small town so some people definitely had an inkling

at 13, atlas had a fight with his grandfather which resulted in a kitchen knife in his chest, a sudden but deliberate action not meant to kill, but definitely to harm. he was hospitalized for a week and it was then he was given back to his parents as his grandparents would never see him or any family again really. today atlas has a scar, but no other wounds/ailments (except the trauma).

his parents really did their best all those years to get him back, but in a town where atlas’ grandparents were so influential very few wanted to get on their bad side — and who would believe a reckless couple who couldn’t care for their own children after all?

NOW:

the holmes-case got a LOT of attention not just in mapleview, but nationally. it was a huge scandal, a heartbreaking case, one of the biggest court cases the town had seen. atlas doesn’t like to talk about it simply because he doesn’t wanna be pitied or defined by it. of course, he’s never going to escape it entirely

after atlas moved to chestnut drive at 19 to live by himself, his parents moved out of town and have opened a fox sanctuary where they save foxes from fur farms. they have about 15 foxes in total and atlas has a large outer area at his own place for his own pet fox, malakai

loves his parents, doesn’t get along w his brother bc atlas is lowkey bitter and has trust issues

works as a vet intern just outside of town and loves his job

PERSONALITY / MISC:

*aggressively* “i’m FINE” 

atlas is a really chill and respectful dude, gets along w everyone for the most part. be nice to him and he’s nice to you, it’s always been that simple

he’s pretty logical and intelligent, has a tendency to let that rule over his feelings tho

does not shy away from physical touch, if you need a hug or some cuddle time he’s got your back

not the most gregarious type, he’s quite the introvert, but he makes exceptions if u get close to him

has a lot of respect for animals and the environment. there lives a tiny sjw within him

loves nature!! wants to live in the woods. hozier probably wrote a song about him

atlas struggles with (rarely, but it happens) anger issues. he never learned how to deal with his emotions and when he was finally back in a loving home the only thing he dared to feel was anger — anger that a whole system let him down

he smokes a LOT of weed, it helps him calm down

a n x i e t y

it’s clear his past has left some imprints bc he still flinches when people around him move very suddenly, but he’s getting better gradually

he goes to therapy, but he hasn’t told anyone but lane

abandonment issues, big time. does get kinda clingy on his closest friends bc of it

has a big old van he drives around in like the lil hippie he is

TL;DR:

nice boy who has endured a lot of pain in his childhood. loves his friends, has a pet fox rescued from a fur farm. calm and pragmatic most of the time, but can react with anger if he’s facing difficult emotions he doesn’t know how to respond to. anxious and doesn’t know how to trust himself. has the aesthetics of a witch honestly.

POSSIBLE CONNECTIONS (whatever gender is fine)

a neighbor of his grandparents (they lived on main street), someone who probably sorta knew what was happening there whilst atlas grew up. could be someone older or someone around his own age. could’ve tried to report it or not

former classmates !

a flirtationship ! they lowkey look like they’re dating, but they always brush the comments off. could be just platonic but could also turn romantic !

someone atlas used to crush on and it was super obvious and he’s still awkward about it

someone he babysits for, or he walks their dog, or something like that idk i’m not great at these

exes on good terms

exes on bad terms

sibling-like friendship

protective friendship

neighbors! chestnut drive gang come thru

friends !!! lots of them

someone he lowkey dislikes bc they’re part of the system that failed him ? idk how this would work but i’m throwing it out there 

anything anything anything at all

[oveliagirlhaditright]

Chapter 2 of my Lawlight story, “Queries” (rated M). https://archiveofourown.org/works/29342865/chapters/72072144

During the Yotsuba arc--after L and Light have begun some relationship, that had just started as L trying to trick relationship out of Light--it becomes clear that Light is having some hallucinations because of brain tumors.

And this will lead to L questioning everything he'd thought he'd decided about Light's character, and Kira later eventually wondering if he should or shouldn't be spending some of his remaining time as he is.

Naturally, Light's coming back to headquarters didn't sit well with everyone… or anyone for that matter. And while L was glad that technology had progressed enough, that Light could easily give himself chemo while he worked... a lot of times, wires from said machine attached to Light would get tangled up, or something else would go wrong with it, and Light would swiftly have to go to the hospital. But Light was figuring out how to deal with that. He was a genius, L supposed.

But Light wasn’t the only one trying to logic out everything new in his life. L wondered where his own conscience was in all of this... Surely, he should have been sympathizing with Light, if he actually cared about him or whatever his heart was telling him.

He also should have been trying to accommodate Light here, to the best of his ability… but L wasn’t doing that. And he felt nothing, except for a strange kind of ire against Light. No, Kira.

"…Light-kun, if I found Kira and he was ill, with only a short amount of time to live, would it be inhumane to sentence him to death?"

And of course, Light punched L in the face for that little gem. And when he did, the detective thought it was a very good thing that the two of them were in the kitchen right now—where no one could see them—and that they barely wore the handcuffs anymore, otherwise L would have gone flying once more.

"Ryuzaki, you bastard! Is that really what you think of me? I bet a cruel part of you wishes that I was Kira, so he’d really suffer in his death, huh?!"

Well, there really was no denying it, was there? L thought, as Light’s hand that was now attached to L’s shirt—holding him up—somehow went down said article of clothing to somewhat arouse L, even as they fought.

“Yes. No matter who Kira is, I think he deserves something like that, for all the lives he’s so carelessly thrown away. Even if he is you, Light-kun, Does this make you still want to sleep with me? Does it make you want to kill me?”

In the back of L’s mind, where his conscience did still exist, he couldn’t fathom how he could ever be so cold to someone who was dying: someone who he even felt something for, which was a rarity in and of itself.

L was probably even lying here—since he truly wouldn’t want Kira to suffer, because otherwise he’d be just like that man in his desire for just desserts. But L still couldn’t help but to try and get a rise out of Yagami Light. He just loved the little games that they played…

But Light seemed near crying now, and so the game suddenly wasn’t very fun anymore. And L found himself near putting a finger into his mouth and biting his nail to the quick in punishment for this.

“Ryuzaki, you’re the worst. Honestly, the worst! I’m not Kira, but I could still see why he would want to target you. I can’t believe I ever thought I lov-

“Anyway, I guess being cutoff is how you get the job done, huh L? So, what did I expect? …And we’ve been here long enough. We should go back and join everyone now, before anyone suspects anything.”

Though Light was presumably calm and not furious now, he still made a show of throwing away L’s strawberry cake for good measure. And L thought about switching to another persona for it: mayhap the one where he acted all too innocent. He easily could have looked at the fallen cake in faux-confusion with a finger pressed to his lips, couldn’t he?

But he did not. Since for whatever reason, L had activated his ice queen personality and he seemed hellbent on staying there. "Light-kun knew when he began our 'relationship' that it was all a game. I find it hard to understand why he’s so upset now. And why should we go back to the task force now, when we haven’t even done anything for them to be suspicious about? I say we have some fun, and give them just that.”

“Ryuzaki, what are you talking abou-” But Light’s words were cut off, when L unzipped Light’s fly, released his cock, and then leaned down to try and give the teen the best blowjob he’d ever performed.

L would have liked to believe that his doing this was some sort of minor way of making up for how he’d been treating Light… even though all he was doing was continuing to toy with the boy’s feelings, just like the monster he’d always known he was.

…

After the two’s “bathroom break”—and they were wearing the handcuffs again, to explain why they’d had to leave together in the first place—L and Light diligently got back to work.

And then Light did the worst thing he ever could have done, in L’s book, in finding something important before even he did.

Though L ended up discovering this in a very untraditional way. Light had collapsed in front of his computer monitor, that held the glorious information he had clearly just uncovered before he passed out. And L saw this info just when he’d been going to check on his boyfriend and call the paramedics in for him… he did not do that now.

It seemed that Kira's power had been moved to the Yotsuba group, if the data Light-kun had uncovered meant anything. Most interesting.

And L knew that the old Kira would have been expecting him to follow this lead as soon as he came upon it.

And so he did, long before he even thought about going to the hospital after Soichiro had finally gotten Light there.

…

Eventually, L did find himself walking into St. Luke’s International, pushing open the worn door as if it were his destiny to do so. (And of course he was here, the back of L’s useless mind told him now, since he clearly loved Light.) And L was beginning to think that he should just take up residence at this place.

Light looked horrible… L saw when he reached Light’s room. Worse than he ever had—with red puffy eyes, pale skin, a runny nose, and an utter weakness about him as he struggled to keep his eyes open. And it was that, that that made L drop the façade he’d been wearing for so long, and actually care.

And he started off that act of caring, in deciding to sit on Light’s bed, by his side, like any significant other might do if their loved one was sick. …Fortunately, Light’s family was out at the moment, buying him “something better than hospital food”, so they wouldn’t see this rather intimate act.  

"Light-kun... no, Light. I know you find the ‘kun’ honorific childish… I want you to know how substantial the information you found today is. Thank you for doing your part."

Light gave L a searching look then. And if L was a lesser man, he might have gotten into a name calling fight with Light over it, for his having just hurt him in his attempt to be kind.

“…You know I don't believe your recognizing my contributions for a second, right Ryuzaki? I knew it was a game to you, the moment we began kissing. Of course I did. And it will be even when we finally do have sex, I know. If anything, I think you're just trying to assuage your guilt here, by complimenting me... But even so, I know that’s a lot coming from you. So, thank you."

Outside the window, a frost had begun to set in. Its icky fingers drifted closer to L’s person, and he thought it was one step closer to turning L into death, like he always knew he was. Because what else could he be, if he always destroyed everything so thoroughly like this? And it was in seeing such fault in himself, something that he couldn’t bear, that he decided to try and put blame elsewhere.

It was just with the certainty at which Light had said all of that, that L found himself wanting to fuck Light into the headboard to try and make some kind of point. Or to just kiss him delicately, to let the boy know he was wrong about his guesses… and that really, he was the thing that L now treasured most in the world.

L did neither of those things, but instead decided to try and continue being nice. Didn’t they say to kill them with niceness, or something like that? If that was the case, L would prove that he had the higher body count than even Kira.

"Light... I want you to forget the way I've been treating you lately. Let's go back to the way we were. I’ll even find better ways for you to work on the case while being sick."

Light sighed at that—nearly knocking his heart monitor off, as he flexed a finger—and L was lost. Shouldn’t someone as ambitious as Light—ambitious as Kira—leap at an opportunity like this, and try to take advantage of L with it?

Instead, Light just seemed bone tired. "I'm on my deathbed, Ryuzaki, and you're still playing games? I can’t believe you! But I still want us to be together, so I guess I’ll listen to tht… reluctantly."

And if L was poetic—and he was certainly anything but—he’d say that right now, Light was cleanser on an overly drawn canvas. And if L looked at him—though he very much desired not to, because he didn’t want to be overcome by his own emotions—he would have even said that Light himself looked like a drawing of perfect angles. And he didn’t at all have the entanglements that L usually hated in a person. Light was simply as he was… even now, while somehow lost in his own charade, Yagami Light was still Yagami Light, and L couldn’t help being moved by that.

Though he shouldn’t have been, since it was clear that Yagami Light now cared about L too much. And that had never been part of the plan. It was far too dangerous. And yet, here they were.

And L didn’t know if it was for these cursed feelings he had, the investigation, or for hate that he found himself asking the next question: "Do your doctors have any new suggestions for you, Light?"

“…They’ve suggested radiology for me, Ryuzaki.”

L had figured that his friend might say that. And when he did, it made him hunch down and think, drawing away from the bed that he’d been sitting on for a good fifteen minutes now. If he were in Light’s position, he honestly wasn’t sure what he’d do. Did he care about his life so much, that he would risk what that might do to him? Or would he let his suicidal tendencies get the best of him again? …

Maybe L did know. And if it came down to it, Light could do that, too.

And just as L thought that, it began thundering outside. And if he didn’t have such good control over his facial reaction to things, he would have laughed.

But now was not a time to be happy. No, here she should have been worried about his lover for a number of reasons, so Light deserved L’s candor now. And L gave that to him. “I wouldn't do it, if I were in your position, Light-kun. Zapping your cells with lasers sounds more dangerous than using drugs to me …But then again, I'm not in your position, am I? So, who am I to say, really? Do what you think is best, as I’m sure you always do."

"…If it weren’t for some sort of grace, maybe you would be in my position, L.”

And at these words from Light, L couldn’t help but to laugh bitterly. This was the most Kira-like thing that Light had ever said. But L was going to leave it alone... for now. Since he had a heart within his chest, after all, if he looked hard enough for it.

“Ignore everything I just said… Get radiology treatment, Light. If they think it will save your life, do it. And then come back to me, when you can,” and L walked away then, deciding to leave Light to his family for now. Since they all deserved to be together when Light was dying, didn’t they?

So, leave the situation, he did… and L tried to ignore the horrid feeling that he was forsaking his other half as he did so.

…

But though L had laid his heart on the line for Light there, Light had apparently taken to heart L’s first words—and didn’t follow his later advice, to try and save himself—and that had L biting his nails, as Light became even more sickly when he returned this time.

And if Light didn’t look like he was about to have his life claimed my a reaper, L would have thought that Kira was doing all of this on purpose to garner some sympathy from him. Who knew? Perhaps he still was. But L had begun to doubt that, as his feelings for Light grew.

.…And it pained L, more than he would have liked to admit, to see the person he still had some sort of relation with every night, hurting this much.

But even then, L still tried to keep the game between them going somewhat. Because even if this Light was no longer Kira, L knew he still longed for the thrill as much as he did. So, he poised a question to his boyfriend now.

"Light-kun," L started, popping a cherry into his mouth and then tying the stem with his tongue. "…What if you don’t have cancer? I'm not doubting the severity of your illness, no, but perhaps you were misdiagnosed. Some of your symptoms do line up with Parkinson’s, I think. And doctors make mistakes countless times… though I don’t mean to frighten you."

But frightening Light was exactly what L did. Or made him angry, more like. And Soichiro too, for that matter. He seemed like he would have been quick to jump to his son’s aid, if Light wasn’t a much better smooth talker himself. "Yeah, that would be so much better, Ryuzaki. I'd just die later—and suffer more—and end up quadriplegic. I think I'll pass."

The truth was, that a part of L almost hoped that Light would have Parkinson's. Because despite what Light was saying… there was a chance that he wouldn’t get so ill with it. At least not fast. But since Light would still die with that, L was close to suggesting that Light just might have Chron’s, but he thought he’d be doubting Light’s strength far too much, if he said that. And just after he’d promised he would be nicer, too. So L kept these thoughts sealed.

"I apologize, Light-kun. It's only a three percent possibility, after all. But I thought I should still say something to try and help you, on the off-chance that I’m right."

And it must have been the grim subjects that caused Yagami Soichiro to bring up something that L never would have expected. And that was truly something.

"Ryuzaki...” the man said, “it seems to me that you and Light—our brightest workers here—haven’t been making any headway, because of Light’s condition. I hate to say this...  but the Yotsuba group is only killing their own rivals, and there can't be as many of them as there are criminals in the world. So, the killings aren’t like before... Maybe we should give up and let them continue, so I can take my son home and let him rest. I say this all as a concerned father."

Though L certainly understood why Soichiro would ask this, L would admit to feeling let down by the chief here: it was like how pretty much everyone in L’s life disappointed him, besides Wammy… and Light, annoyingly enough.

But if L had a son, mightn’t he feel the same way about him that Soichiro did about Light now? He tried to focus on that. "Yagami-san… While I, of course, will continue looking for Kira, neither of you are required to do the same. Yes, Yagami-san: go and rest and be with your family; I cannot thank you enough for your service. You too, Light."

L was searching for a strawberry at this point, not giving the situation as much as attention as she should have been—partly because he was disassociating, and because he was sure Light would say no, he guessed—that L felt like he’d been hit by a bus when Light soon agreed (Matsuda-san, too, if his words to Light of “But you’ve come so far!” meant anything.)

"Th-that may be best, Ryuzaki," Light admitted, with a pensive look in his eyes. And L whipped his head to stare at his boyfriend in astonishment. All his calculations had told him that Light—that Kira—wouldn’t even abandon the case for even his own life. So, did this mean that he was wrong about Light, and about him being Kira, too?

L wanted to beg Light to stay for two reasons, but he had to pretend he had the moral high ground here. And so, the tired detective did. “Don’t antagonize them, Matsuda-san. If the two of them want to leave, they're certainly allowed to do so. However, Light-kun, I must suggest you stay one more night for surveillance purposes."

And there was a needy tone to L’s voice, that he prayed the task force didn’t notice. Honestly, L didn’t know if he was wanting Light to stay to examine him one more time, or so he could get laid. Perhaps both.

But whatever L was feeling, Light have must been experiencing it, too. For he looked at L with shining eyes and decided his fate. "...One more night then, Ryuzaki. I can handle that much."

And L chose to give a discreet smile, and not think on how their parting would be such sweet sorrow.

...

Later that night, when the two of them were trying to express whatever it was that they felt for each other, it was Light on top of L. And the two of them were close to having sex: moreso than they ever had been by far. Light was just about to enter L; and the fact that Light was still waiting and teasing him was truly torturous… but really, L knew that they should probably stop here. Light was getting tired. And if they became this intimate with each other, wouldn’t it make everything worse?

So, L gently pushed Light off of him, indicating that he should retire, and gave him a quick kiss with all of his apologizes laid bare in it.

And then, truly shockingly Light gave one himself. “…I'm sorry for everything too, Ryuzaki. Please don't leave me, if you can manage it. I know you’re somewhat agoraphobic… but can’t you take some time off the case to come and see me?”

L gave that much thought, as he snuggled into Light—smelling his fine-shampooed hair—and wishing he never had to let go.

The truth was, that L didn’t see it within himself to do that. He was too set in his ways. And if Light was dying and wasn’t Kira, it was probably best they never saw each other again.

But still… L didn’t exactly want to break Light’s heart right now, so perhaps to choose his words carefully…"Light… your leaving is alright. Don’t feel bad about it.," L tried to placate his first ever friend, while placing a kiss to his neck that also showed that they weren’t just friends, didn’t it? "You've done more than enough for the case, and for me personally. So as much as I would like to continue where we left off just a moment ago… it’s probably best for your own sake, if you begin packing right now.”

But that seemed to be the wrong thing to say. Light was less rested now, and he sat up to glare at the storm outside, as if it had personally offended him.

Finally, there were these words from Light, before L was about to joke about getting out a lie detector to unearth the truth from him. "...I wouldn't be leaving, Ryuzaki, if I thought I could offer anything to this investigation. But I'm too sick to now. And... because you’re the best detective in the world, and think it wasme… I'm now afraid I used to be Kira. So maybe my leaving is a just an excuse to get away and protect you from myself."

"…Or your staying here, if you chose that, could offer some wonderful insight into Kira. Since even if you aren’t him, you’re quite good at profiling him. But I understand why you have to leave, Light: like I said, don’t worry about it."

Deep down, L knew that he was only being nonchalant because he believed no one could ever really love him—wasn’t that why he was so clearly pulling away from Light’s embrace now?—but he refused to give that truth any thought, and rather chose to be “selfless”. Even wearing a smile on his face, and everything.

“Hey, Ryuzaki… you know I’d never leave if I had another choice, right?”

And L hated this guilt within Light: absolutely despised that he’d made this perfectly normal boy—who was not Kira, at least not right now—fall in love with him, just so he could study what he believed the mind of a serial killer to be.

But near instantly, as he still felt very guarded, Ryuzaki tried to push back this notion that he’d caught feelings too, because the great detective L was above that, wasn’t he?

Squeezing Light close to himself now for a very selfish thing that L wanted to pin their whole “relationship on”, L found himself speaking once more. “Of course I know that, Light… Do you what must to protect yourself. But if you and Chief Yagami ever want to return, just give my one mobile a call.”

L let himself be pulled into another kiss by Light then. And they did more than that, too. Light was astonished by how sweet their coupling here actually was… but he knew it wouldn’t last.

…

A Month Later

To say that L found absolutely no leads after two of his best workers left the investigation, would, sadly, have been an understatement.

The Kira Countermeasures Force had assumed that Higuchi was the third Kira, of course, but when they had brought him in for questioning… he’d denied everything and had seemed out of sorts with himself, and like he’d lost his grip on reality entirely.

This was all been brought to light when Watari was torturing the man (something that hadn’t set well with L’s people at all); and then the murders had started up again. And L wasn’t sure if it was due to the second Kira, a new Kira, or somehow Higuchi still. Though L doubted that one, since these killings didn’t match the ones he had done before. Criminals were back to dying like live stock, and so L surmised that the second Kira was back in action again. And so, he needed to bring Amane Misa back into the fold.

L had been forced to release the girl when all the “evidence” he had had against her had gone nowhere, and her manipulator had left the building. So, he wasn’t exactly looking forward to this call…

Speaking of Yagami Light… L knew that he was not the first Kira at the moment. Light was undergoing massive treatments for his health, and the hospital seconded this. And Soichiro himself kept giving L updates about Light… not that the man was entirely trustworthy, as he was clearly biased where his son was concerned, but L knew he could probably be believed in this case.

As for Light himself… he kept sending L risqué texts, which proved to the detective that he hadn’t entirely lost his sense of humor, which was good L supposed.

And he was embarrassed to admit that the texts left him wanting Light, and to be with him again post-haste.

And, yes: he’d even decided that he preferred the feeling of Light inside of him, then what he thought it would feel like to be inside of Light. So, he wouldn’t fight the boy about that again, if and when he got back. But none of this was important now. No. The task force breathing down his neck was what was.

“Ryuzaki, what’s your plan to get Misa-san here? You haven’t convicted her of anything… and you tortured her last time; and she won’t want to see you without Light-kun here,” Ide whispered right next to L, bringing him out of his stupor. And he’d startled L so thoroughly, that the man was lucky that he hadn’t used his Capoeira skills on him.

“He brings up a good point, Ryuzaki,” Matsuda allowed, as he cleverly put more sugar cubes into L’s coffee, so that it was practically swimming in them. What an irreplaceable part of the team Matsuda was, L thought now. And as such, L thought he could probably reward his team with some info here that they wouldn’t have ferreted out themselves.

“The plan, as it were, is to not be so brutal this time. I will not get a warrant for Misa-san, and will instead invite her in for a lovely chat with Light’s best friend and see what happens.”

“…Do you really think that will work, Ryuzaki?” Mogi-san asked what all of them were wondering, but so unsurely that L didn’t instantly berate him for doubting his superior. “Do you think that Misa-san can overlook what you did to her so easily?”

Watari, as if sensing the tension in the air, came in right then to offer the men smokes. And everyone took one, except for Matsuda (because he was still quite childish in L’s mind. He had expected nothing else), and L, who only liked the taste of sugar.

And as it happened, L thought about quipping that they all might die of cancer before Kira could ever to them—and L was about to send a glare Watari’s way for his choice here—but he did not.

Instead, L just spoke the truth that had become crystal clear to him. “I think you all forget how much Light-kun means to Misa-san.”

And as he always was, L was right.

Just a day later, he found himself sitting across from Misa like he had during her and Light’s disastrous date months ago (the bruise on L’s cheek stung from the memory of it), and she seemed altogether more put together and nervous than she ever had been before. And L zeroed in on that, like a shark would blood in the water.

"Err, what did you want to talk to me about, Ryuzaki? I wanted to go see Light! Have you heard that he may be going into remission already?!"

“I had heard, Misa-san,” L admitted, finding himself slightly grinning even though he didn’t want to and he thought he’d schooled himself better than this “And I may be more thrilled about that then anyone... But important things must be discussed, so-”

“Exactly, Ryuzaki! We have to talk about the important things! I know you brought me here that creep Higuchi, but I’d rather talk about how you and Light are friends!”

This was… suspicious to L. Though, to be fair, anything Light or Misa did was suspect to him. But it was like Misa had developed a conscience and was wanting L to be Light’s friend, so the two of them wouldn’t have to kill him. Perhaps L could work with that.

L leaned forward, steepled his hands together, and thought deeply. “I understand that that’s important, Misa-san… but Higuchi. You wanted Kira to be stopped because Light-kun was working on the case before, yes? So why do you hold back now?” Misa’s lovely golden eyes flashed then, with a kind of emotion that L couldn’t entirely decipher. And even though L thought he was most certainly gay, even he was captivated by them and all the pent up things there. “Stop talking about Higuchi, Ryuzaki! You think Light is Kira. We all know you do. And you’ll never stop doing so… So what if I was prepared to tell you you’re not wrong, per se, if you keep being his friend?” L felt his throat drop into his stomach; and his eyes no doubt flashed in the way that Misa’s just had. It- it couldn’t be this easy, could it?

Had Light done something to upset Misa for her to betray him like this? …But was it a betrayal? Misa still wanted L to be Light’s friend, so how did that work?

“…Misa-san, are you saying-”

“I’ll never say it again or testify in a court or anything like that… but work with me, Ryuzaki, and I’ll work with you.”

Yes, L could definitely do this.

He reached across the chasm, took Misa’s hand, and shook it.

[atruththatyoudeny]

Monthly Reads | July 2020

Happy 28th! As always, my undying love goes out to all the amazing authors this fandom still has. You are all incredible! Thank you for sharing your work with us ♥ Here are all the 21 fics I read and enjoyed this month:

⋙ The Murmur of Yearning | MediaWhore | historical - no smut - arranged marriage past rape/non-con - implied/referenced dubious consent - minor character death - slow burn - 93k Four years ago, Harry Styles was forced into a marriage of convenience to enrich and ally both his and his promised's families. The sudden, and slightly suspicious, death of the Marquess of Haxshire, however, brings great disturbance to Crescentfield Hall and, as his late's husband's closest male relative, Harry unexpectedly finds himself the head of a family he never felt he belonged to. Between a meddling distant cousin hellbent on inserting himself in Harry’s life, his wicked and mistrustful mother-in-law and his late husband’s advisors refusing to help or take him seriously, Harry struggles in the fight to keep what he’s earned and make the Estate finally feel like home. Luckily he doesn’t stand completely alone and finds himself an unlikely ally in Mr Tomlinson, the elusive Land Stewart who has been taking care of the property in the shadows for years. Louis Tomlinson is caring, patient, and unlike everyone else, he doesn’t seem to think Harry committed a murder.

⋙ Donor-Conceived | jaerie | a/b/o - omega/omega - friends to lovers - intersex omegas - pregnancy kink - unplanned pregnancy - fertility issues - miscarriage mentioned - male lactation - lactation kink - 31k When Harry receives the worst news of his life, it's now or never if he wants to carry a child of his own. Without an alpha, it's a daunting idea. But after it's a go, he finds another omega having a child from the same donor and become fast friends. It is only logical that they raise the boys as half brothers, making sure their sons keep up the relationship with the only connection to their anonymous father. It seems like the perfect plan but life doesn't always work out that way.

⋙ Just a touch of your love | anonymous | a/b/o - touch-starved - past abuse - past rape/non-con - miscommunication - anxiety attacks - 12k “What if something happened to you? What would I say to Niall?” “Nothing, he would have to wait to see my corpse on the news like everyone else.” Deadpanned Harry. Louis’ gasp was all the answer he got. Ok, so that might have been a bit too much. With a calmer voice, he said, “It’s really fine. I’ve walked to the tube countless times, I can handle myself. Just go home and tell Niall to stop mothering me.” Louis was finally walking by his side and gave him a sideways glance before talking. “He doesn’t know, does he? Of your, uh, condition.” Harry tensed and his breath became erratic, but he didn’t say a word. Louis continued. “His nose probably hasn’t picked it up, and you’re lucky Liam’s also a beta, but it took me a minute to confirm it. Your scent is gettin’ so…” He seemed to struggle to find a word. He didn’t finish the sentence, but the emotion in his voice made Harry’s tummy churn. -- Or, Harry is a touch starved omega trying to get through it on his own. Louis happens to be the only alpha around to realize it and offers to help.

⋙ We're Not Who We Used To Be | jaerie | trans female character - trans Harry - childhood friends - friends with benefits - transitioning - gender dysphoria - body disphoria gender identity - first time - self-medicating - reference to depression - 7k Louis comes back to his childhood home and sees an old friend who has changed quite a lot since the last time they saw each other.

⋙ Sincerely, Yours | anon | strangers to lovers - military - 25k Prompt:Historical AU where Louis is a soldier on his way to first deployment and Harry is working at a diner. They meet there when Louis is waiting for the bus, Harry tries to cheer Louis up and agrees to write to him while he's deployed because Louis doesn't have anyone else to write to. People kinda make fun of Harry for writing to (and falling for) a virtual stranger but otherwise everything is great until Louis stops writing. AKA travelin' soldier by the Dixie Chicks but gay and with a happy ending.

⋙ Ever Since I Tried Your Way | anon | historical - 1940s - 1950s - farm/ranch - internalized homophobia - hurt/comfort - emotional hurt/comfort - fluff - smut - gender exploration - body worship - 26k Harry had been kissed before, but never like this. He’d shared sweet, curious kisses behind bleachers and in soda shop booths, one or two more daring ones in cars parked on dark suburban streets, but the girls he’d kissed had never filled him with the desperation that erupted from Louis’ touch. He parted his lips and pulled him closer, as though he could breathe Louis straight into his lungs, as if he could swallow him. He wanted to consume Louis the way he consumed the body and blood of Christ. He wanted to place Louis on his tongue and feel him dissolve into a frothy mess of starch and saliva. He wanted to gulp him down until his teeth were stained purple and he was drunk on him. He wanted him in some violent holy way that made his hands shake where they were twisted in Louis’ shirt. In 1949 Harry left his bride at the altar, running away from the only life he'd known. When a kindhearted farmer offers him a ride in his truck and a place to sleep the two find themselves inexplicably drawn together. Isolated on Louis' farm with nobody but a field of dairy cows to intrude, the men are finally able to explore the parts of themselves they've spent their lives hiding away.

⋙ sleeping on our problems | falsegoodnight | a/b/o - college/university - mpreg - friends with benefits - angst - slow burn - hurt/comfort - 67k I’m in love with you, Louis thinks. He feels empty, weighed down by his sadness and the loss of Harry inside him just moments ago before his knot finally went down. There’s moments where he’s sure Harry feels the same. Like now, when he’s gazing down at Louis with so much adoration and tenderness. It’s like they’re both on the cusp of something more, but neither of them ever say a word. His confession is on the tip of his tongue ready to slide out like honey, and yet he remains silent. They both do, looking at each other and recognizing the reluctance mirrored in each other’s eyes. It’s then that Louis realizes they’re both scared. - Or Louis sleeps with Harry and they have more than just catching feelings to worry about.

⋙ in a world alone | falsegoodnight | a/b/o - Swan Lake AU - historical - royalty - magic - curses - friends to lovers - slow burn - mpreg - 51k Harry’s breath catches as the glow grows bigger and bigger until he’s squinting his eyes and blinking at the sudden intense brightness. He closes his eyes, rubbing at them helplessly. When his eyes open again- he gasps, grip loosening on his bow as he gawks at the sight before him. Because the swan is gone. And in its place is the prettiest omega Harry has ever seen. - A Swan Lake AU

⋙ The Baby Whisperer | jacaranda_bloom | strangers to lovers - prior mpreg - neighbours - fluff - smut - kid fic - 19k Harry’s newborn baby is having trouble sleeping and nothing he does seems to work. Tired and alone and at his wits end, Harry is at a loss until a new neighbour arrives to turn his world upside down. OR the one where being neighbourly takes on a whole new meaning.

⋙ was in no hurry, had no worries | defencelouis | strangers to lovers - car accidents - smut - daddy kink - 21k The year is 1999 and Harry can’t stop dedicating songs to Louis on the radio. Or the one where Harry hits Louis with his car.

⋙ Strong Enough | jacaranda_bloom | enemies to lovers - exes to lovers - angst - smut - divorce - 21k “So…” Liam starts, and Louis instantly knows where this is going. He’s actually glad it’s Liam that's dragging the subject out from the shadows and into the light. Louis turns to face him, mirroring his position on the couch and nods, ready for him to continue. Liam takes a deep breath. “Have you spoken to Harry recently?” Five years after Vertigo goes on hiatus, the band comes back together for a benefit concert. Can Louis and Harry work through their complicated past, or are some wounds too deep to be healed?

⋙ What's It Gonna Be? | zeldasayre | high school - 37k Louis looked thoughtful for a moment. “When are you meeting with Clare again?” “Thursday,” Bebe said, looking over at him, the ice clinking in her glass as she stirred it with a long spoon. “Why?” He grinned, narrowing his eyes. He took a long, dramatic pause, sipping his lemonade, and then said, “Scheming.” aka I've watched Shura's "What's It Gonna Be?" music video one too many times. ((Or, Louis and Bebe, best friends since childhood, have crushes on two of the most popular kids in school, and in an attempt to increase their respective chances, Louis befriends Harry Styles, quarterback of the football team, while Bebe befriends Clare Uchima, head cheerleader. Only... the plan... doesn't go exactly as planned.))

⋙ There Goes My Life | anonymous | older larry - colleagues with benefits - mpreg - unplanned pregnancy - smut - lactation kink - 8k Metallic taste in the mouth, check. Aversions to favourite foods, check. Nausea without throwing up, check. A heightened sense of smell, check. Sore and sensitive nipples, check. It had felt as though Harry had been ticking off boxes from his own mental checklist and every new addition brought him closer to an existential crisis. Pregnant. Everything over the last few weeks began to make sense; thoughts he pushed from his mind because he was too busy, and to be honest too scared, to think about. Getting knocked up from a few-night’s-stand was something that happened to teenagers and/or uni students, but certainly not to a forty-year-old Member of Parliament such as himself. *** Or, the one where Harry is single, a Member of Parliament, gets knocked up and has to deal with navigating motherhood in his forties. And Louis? Well, his life is about to change forever as well. This is a tale about colleagues with benefits and the consequences that can come with that.

⋙ Mother I'd Like to * | anonymous | implied mpreg - MILF Harry - 4k “What’s up, dad?” Oliver asks Louis, standing in front of Harry in a way that hides his friends from the view. “Is there something wrong with your mom? Your friends are staring a lot.” Oliver goes beet red at that. He groans and hides his face on his hands. “Oh my god. Oh my god.” --------------------- Written for the prompt: Harry’s and Louis’ son is like 16, so he is hanging out with his friends and his friends are teasing him about how hot his mother (aka harry) is, just like the 1D boys always did with Harry about Anne. The son feels super uncomfortable and Louis is super confused why these little teenagers boys always stare at Harry’s body when he is cooking for them whenever they visit until he finds out they think of Harry as the hottest milf in town (more humor than actual sexual references pls, this is supposed to be more funny than awkwardly sexual :D)

⋙ An Invincible Summer | Brooklyn_Babylon | farm/ranch - historical - 1940s - period-typical homophobia - adoption - minor character death - epilepsy - homophobic language - smut - 44k Never content to stay in one place for long, a few months down south researching for his novel seemed like an idyllic, slow-paced summer to Louis. He wasn't ready for the blistering heat, the backbreaking work of watermelon picking, or how stifling the attitudes in rural Georgia would feel. And he definitely hadn’t anticipated falling in love with the farmer’s son. The summer of 1946 would turn out to be everything worth writing about.

⋙ a trail of honey through it all | faeriestyles | strangers to friends to lovers - mild violence - D/s undertones - 27k The boy in front of him, well really, the man in front of him, was like something out of a confusing wet dream. Built, tall, tan and muscular, his skin glistened with sweat after a long day of working outdoors with his hands. He was wearing a cut up old American football shirt, the bottom hem was torn and the sleeves were cut off to the point where the t-shirt was really just a loose tank top. The shorts he had on had clearly been full length jeans at one point, and were now just crudely cut off above the knee. His white socks were pulled up too high on his calves, and the brown work boots he had on were old as fuck, the leather peeling along the edges of the soles. Curly brown hair stuck out from the edges of his backwards snapback, and there was a smudge of grease wiped along his brow bone. The smattering of hair along his jaw proved that he hadn’t shaved in a week or two, the hair growing in thicker across his upper lip and around his chin. His sinfully bowed mouth was pink and plump, and Louis was suddenly hyper-focused on the way that he chewed at the toothpick stuck between his lips. He looked like he needed a shower. Louis wanted to lick him. Or, the TPH fic we’ve all been waiting for.

⋙ The Recklessness in Water | LarryOn | light angst - smut - 50k Louis Tomlinson is miserable. He's stuck on a family vacation at a lake cabin in New Hampshire when all he wants to do is bemoan his sorry existence and wallow in his sweatpants. As if the humidity and mosquitos weren't bad enough, he becomes the singular target of an obnoxious lifeguard named Harry.

⋙ baby blue | soldouthaz | cowboy AU - famous/not famous - angst - hate to love - enemies to lovers - smut - hurt/comfort - minor violence - 39k Harry Styles takes his time coming out to greet them. Louis only knows what he’s seen on file and what he’s heard them talking about, but he fully lives up to the image he had inside of his head. He saunters down the front steps of the farmhouse in his Levi’s, brown snakeskin boots curving out from underneath the denim Louis’ sure he had specially made. He’s got on a plaid button-down tucked into the jeans because of course he does, curls spilling out from either side of his cowboy hat around his sunglasses and country-tan skin. “Harry Styles,” he drawls, extending a hand to Louis’ manager, “Pleased to meet ya’ll.”

⋙ with no way out and a long way down | we_are_the_same | royalty - soulmates - strangers to lovers - fluff - angst - no smut - emotional hurt/comfort arranged marriage - 31k Prince Harry is ten when he receives his soulmark.

⋙ adjudication | bottomlinsons | royalty - historical - enemies to friends to lovers - enemies to friends - love letters - betrayal - slow burn - light angst - arranged marriage - 75k Harry's been engaged to Princess Charlotte of Ryde for as long as he can remember. He's come to know her, to love her, through the letters she's sent him over the past three years. But when the wedding finally arrives, Harry quickly learns that nothing is as it seems. With his crown and country at stake, Harry must decide who to trust in this strange new land. And the sly Crown Prince of Ryde doesn't seem inclined to make things easy.

⋙ Something to Prove | trysomecats | a/b/o - enemies to lovers - mpreg - smut - 9k Louis is the first and only omega to work at Red Valley Medical Center. Despite being more than qualified, he still faces prejudice for his career choice everyday. From patients refusing his treatment to condescending alpha doctors intervening with his work, practicing medicine in Boston is more challenging than Louis had ever thought it would be.

[a-longer-love]

Seeing as supernatural has officially wrapped, that Dean and Sam have hung up their jackets and boots (for now) and I’ve seen so many wonderful and heart wrenching and heartwarming posts explaining what this show means to everyone, I figured it may be cathartic for me to do the same.

Now, I’m not an emotional person typically. I like logic and tend to live on that side of my brain, I don’t deal with emotions well, and that’s why this week has been so damn difficult for me. Trying to figure out why the heck I’m crying over a stupid tv show! Well, I’ve figured out, probably because it isn’t just a stupid tv show.

I started watching this show on day 1, I was 14, life had not been kind up until that point. The only thing I knew was that Dean from Gilmore girls was in it, and that Jensen guy was super cute. I never even fathomed that 15 seasons later I would be hardcore mourning the loss of this show and these characters.

Over the years I lost touch with the show, high school, sports, jobs etc. got in the way. Then I moved away for college, I was alone, homesick and didn’t know anyone. I happened to see something promoting the season that year, and immediately grabbed back ahold of this lifeline. A little older, not much wiser, and a lot more jaded, I related to Dean so much. I was able to understand so much more about the internal struggles and inner demons they fight on top of those externally they deal with. I immediately figured out how I could catch up and watch the seasons I had missed. This was also around the time I found this lovely hellsite that is Tumblr. I found a community and a family when I had no one and for that I am eternally grateful. My eventual roommate for the next 3 years was also a huge fan, and we watched religiously for the next few years.

Then again, life got busy, I graduated, started working, found a man who I somehow convinced to marry me and moved away from home yet again, and I disengaged from supernatural again. Then cue 2020 and the quarantine. About half way through I was not in a healthy head space, I was depressed, anxious, and just not doing well. I was regressing to old unhealthy coping methods and that’s how I stumbled back onto Tumblr. It just so happened one of the first things I see is something for spn season 15...once again...the show, the fandom, the characters were there for me at my lowest. I decided to start watching from episode one, and catch up. I will be caught up just in time for the final 7 episodes to air. I’ve become emotionally invested again, and now that I’m older have been able to reflect and appreciate really just how much this silly little show with the cute boys has literally saved my life a few times.

Not only the story but the actors who give so much of themselves to us, who share their struggles candidly and openly and foster such a welcoming and understanding (and sarcastic af) community that will no doubt live on. Reading through the plethora of posts today it really hit home the eclectic group of weirdos this show has touched and brought together. And not only impacted, but did so in a most profound way. Literally saving lives. It’s a hard thing to say goodbye to for very valid reasons. We know this was something special, we know this doesn’t happen normally, and we know we have been blessed with literal angels on earth with this cast and crew.

All in all, I guess what I am trying to say is thank you supernatural for being a lighthouse, informing so many lost and wandering souls of a safe haven. A place to rest and replenish when needed. For teaching us to always keep fighting, and to fight for the important things. That family doesn’t end or start with blood, and that nothing ever really ends.

[ak47stylegirl]

Life Changes: Chapter 16

Chapter 16 is done! wooohoo! XD 

This fic is dedicated to @gumnut-logic (also thanks Nutty for letting me use Jack XD) 

The rest of the chapters can be found here. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! XD

----

Virgil pov

He rolled over in bed, staring blankly out at the city skyline; the sun having risen long ago. Three days have passed since that dreadful night, and Alan still hasn't woken up. 

Their baby brother had fallen in to a coma. 

The doctors had started to suspect that Alan could have suffered undetected brain damage, ordering brain scans to be performed. And as it became clear that Alan wasn’t going to wake up any time soon, the hospital had moved him to a more secure, more permanent room in the ICU.

Where they could visit him freely and without restrictions on how many of them could see him at a time. Kayo had also doubled their security immensely in the last couple of days, doing background checks on all of the hospital staff. 

And it was no surprise to any of them that Dr Jim Smith was on the list of ‘don’t come ten feet near Alan or you die’ list. Kayo had been very insistent on that. As well as background checks, Kayo had also (somehow?!) compiled a team of vetted and trained security guards for them.  

There were three guards standing watch outside their hotel room right now, along with two more guarding Alan’s hospital room. Plus Kayo, who insisted on protecting Alan personally and not even hell freezing over would change her mind. 

And in a sense, Kayo was also guarding Scott, who had barely left Alan’s side; only leaving to eat, sleep and take bathroom breaks. Even Grandma couldn’t get him to leave on the threat of home cooking…

Which wasn’t a threat that you take lightly, she would actually follow up on it but even that time old trick has lost its magic in the last few days. Their world was falling apart, and a little bit of burnt food didn’t scare them like it used to. 

The hospital was encouraging them to talk to Alan like he was awake and could hear them, that hearing their voices could help him regain consciousness. 

But he couldn’t even step foot in the hospital after seeing Alan laid out on that hospital bed; Neck in a brace, unable to breathe on his own, almost lifeless in his stillness. 

He had stumbled out of the ICU and into Scott’s arms, sobbing his heart out on his big brother’s shoulder. Repeating over and over again that he was to blame, that it was all his fault!

Scott had pushed him away slightly, his hands placed firmly on his shoulders with an almost furious look in his eyes. “It is not your fault, Virgil!” His brother had snapped, blue eyes ablaze with emotions. 

“There nothing-” Scott’s voice cracked, wavering slightly, “-you could have done, so please stop this…” 

He had been so startled by...well the fact that Scott had been pleading with him, begging him to stop blaming himself, that he had just nodded mindlessly. He was just so tired at that point, that he just wasn’t going to fight Scott on it.

That first night, he was in such a state of distress that the only way he was even able to fall asleep was because Grandma had chosen to sit by his bedside until he fell asleep; effectively comforting him enough that he was able to finally fall into a much needed deep sleep.

He was a complete wreck of his normal self. All while falling asleep that first night, all he could think about was how much of a failure he was. And he still was thinking that, because he couldn’t even muster up the will to get out of bed. 

It was like his mind and body had just shut down completely. Before he was feeling too many emotions; now, he was struggling to feel anything. He couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t eat…

Every time he closed his eyes, he would see his baby brother bleeding out on that gala floor or on that hospital bed, so still, so lifeless…

And with every day that passed with no sign of Alan waking, his nightmares got worse and worse. He knew John and Gordon had noticed, how could they possibly not have? They were sleeping just a bed or two across from him.

He hated that he was worrying his brothers, because why else would they be here with him when they could be at Alan’s bedside instead? He thought with a sigh, looking over at his brothers, who were sitting on the bed across from him. 

John was sitting in the corner of the bed, legs crossed as he furiously typed away at his tablet.  All while ignoring Gordon, who was spread lengthways across the bed, half-heartedly strolling through his phone. 

The room was filled with an anxious boredom as they waited for Grandma or Scott to call them with some form of news on the results of Alan’s brain scans. 

But the nearly endless wait was driving them stir-crazy…

When will they hear some news? And would they like what they may hear? If he was being honest, he was dreading that phone call. Because what if the results came back positive? 

Hasn’t Alan suffered enough? 

“Honestly!?” Gordon yelled, causing him to jump and look over at his brother, who was glaring at his phone. “you would think they would have better things to report on then our family!” 

“Unfortunately” John lowered his tablet with a weary sigh. “Anything happening to our family is front-page news to those people..”

Gordon scowled, throwing his phone down on the bed; missing John by a thin margin. “Well, I don’t care if it's front-page news or whatever, why can’t they just say out of it?!” 

Gordon’s face crumbled slightly as he moved into a sitting portion, hugging his knees. “His face is plastered all over the interwebs John…” Gordon whispered, his voice losing its anger and in its place was an immense sadness. 

“Along with those grainy photos of Virg-” Gordon frozen, suddenly realising that he was, in fact, awake and looking right at him “Um, I mean-”   

He sighed deeply, forcing himself to sit up, “You mean those cellphone photos of me desperately trying to keep Alan from bleeding to death?” He answered almost emotionlessly as he rubbed at his face tiredly. “I have seen them already, Gords..”

He couldn’t even turn the TV on or go on his phone without getting blasted with reminders of what happened. And even then the news networks would be blasting it from the tallest skyscrapers. 

It was like it was haunting him everywhere he went... 

He frowned slightly, moving so he was sitting on the edge of the bed. He could feel John’s eyes on him, scrutinising him like he was a complex math problem John was trying to figure out. He didn’t like it...

“Um...yeah, those photos…” Gordon mumbled, rubbing his arm nervously, his eyes flickering between looking at him and not looking at him; Gordon’s reddish-brown eyes filled with barely masked concern.  

Everybody has been giving him that look lately…

Gordon looked over at John, “Can’t you or Jack do anything about it? Like maybe get them taken down?”  Jack was their lawyer and a pretty good one at that. 

John sighed again, shaking his head. “Jack is already flat out busy with making sure the people responsible for all of this get life in prison..” John explained, his frustration and fury at the people responsible for hurting their little brother clear in his voice. “Doesn’t help that the GDF is being difficult…”

“Difficult?” He wondered softly; his curiosity peaked, “how so? I thought It would be clear and easy?” 

They attempted to kill Allie; the GDF should easily see that they deserved to get life in prison? 

John’s eyes flashed to him again with that same masked concern in them as Gordon’s eyes had. “You would think so, but the higher-ups of GDF are thinking of treating this as an attempted robbery gone wrong, rather than attempted manslaughter because, well-” John hesitated, avoiding their eyes. 

“Because?” Gordon questioned. 

John sighed wearily, looking up at them with a deadly serious expression, “-Because apparently to them there isn’t enough proof to prove that Alan getting shot was intentional...” 

His eyes widened in horror. 

What?!

“What?!” Gordon exclaimed, jumping up from the bed in outrage “Not enough proof?! Alan is in a coma and paralysed because of that asshole!” Angry tears had gathered in Gordon’s eyes. “Maybe even brain-damaged! How is there not enough proof?!” 

He stood up and walked over to the window, pinching the bridge of his nose to try and keep some kind of control over himself; what happened to not feeling anything?

Deep breaths Virgil, deep breaths... 

“What about all of the witnesses?” he questioned, facing away from his brothers as he glared out the window. “Everybody saw it, you…” his voice shook “you couldn’t miss it if you tried..” 

Alan’s terrified eyes, a flash and a loud bang. Allie on the floor, blood everywhere; baby brother crying in pain. That man laughing...

He gripped the windowsill tightly, glaring out at the skyline, “Everybody knew why, it wasn’t an accident, it wasn’t a stray bullet…” He took a shaky deep breath, feeling his eyes fill with moisture, “He looked right at me and said ‘International rescue couldn’t save my sister from being paralysed, so now I’ll return the favour!’” 

He turned to face his brothers, both their faces bleached pale; Gordon’s more than John’s. This was the first time he has spoken in detail about what transpired that night to his brothers. “There's no way that wasn’t intentional..”

“They’re going to get what they deserve Virg, Jack and Lady Penelope are confident of that…” John spoke, his voice taking on a gentler tone, the tone he uses when he’s talking to distressed and panicked rescuees. 

He hated the fact that John felt the need to use that voice on them, on him...

“It may not seem like it but…” John’s shoulders dropped, his brother’s eyes filled with exhaustion. “But it only has been three days since that night; court cases take time...”  

“Feels way longer than just three days…” Gordon muttered softly, scuffing the sole of his shoe into the carpet. “Especially with Allie not..” Gordon dropped back down on the bed next to John, wrapping his arms around himself tightly, “you know, waking up..” 

Every single one of big brother instincts was screaming at him to go and comfort his brother, but he hesitated, and in that time, John had beat him to it.

“I know Gordy...” John sighed sadly, pulling Gordon in a loose one-armed hug; their little brother collapsing like a rag doll against John's chest with a little sniffle. 

His already broken heart seemed to break even more at the sight of their mischievous and fun-loving little brother looking so down; so drained of happiness and hope. 

Sometimes he forgot that Alan wasn’t just Gordon’s little brother but his best friend as well. How didn’t he noticed that he wasn’t the only one that wasn’t dealing well with Alan's injury?

The self-hatred he was feeling towards himself seemed to double at that thought. 

“They’re not going to get away with this Virgil; I promise you that..” John promised, aqua blue eyes looking right at him, voice leaving no room for argument. “Jack, Colonel Casey, Penny and I are going to make sure of that..”

“I know…” He sighed, running his hand through his ungelled hair, turning to look out the window again; just being able to make out the hospital in the distance. “I’m going to have to testify, ain’t I?” 

“If you’re willing and that is what you want to do, of course, you can..” John explained with an odd, almost worried tone to his voice. “but Scott, Grandma and I were talking, and we think it’s a better idea if you don’t..” 

“What?” He turned around in astoundment. Even Gordon looked confused, looking up at John with a raised eyebrow. “What do you mean, don’t testify?” His fist clenched slightly as anger started bubbling in his stomach. “If I don’t, they’ll get away-I..”

He bit his bottom lip, glancing out the window as anxiety flooded him again at the thought of those people being able to walk free. “I…I have to testify, or else they’re...they’re..”

“Virgil..” John’s voice cut through his panic, sounding incredibly sad as well as concerned.  “With how many witnesses there were, you don’t necessarily have to testify for there to be enough proof to prove them guilty..” 

“But…” He glanced back at his brothers, and the first thing that hits him is just how concerned they looked, both of them; even Gordon. They weren't even trying to hide it from him anymore. 

His fists clenched as he turned his face away from his brothers. They did think he was broken, didn’t they? Why else would they be acting like this? 

“We just don’t want to push you too far by forcing you to relive that night, Virg” John explained gently, “you have been through a lot these last couple of days after all..” 

Understatement of the year, he thought with a scoff. 

John continued, “and we don’t want to see you get hurt any more than you have been..” 

His eyebrows furrowed, the anger starting to bubble in his stomach again. He wasn’t the one that was hurt, what was John going on about?! Alan was the one that was hurt! 

Not him! He thought as he gripped the window sill tightly, his eyes squeezed shut as he tried to push his anger down. He didn’t understand why he was getting so angry at his brothers; they were worried about him because they cared.

But maybe he wasn’t really angry at them but more at himself? Because deep down, he didn’t feel like he deserved their worry; he was the one that had let their baby brother get shot after all. They should hate him...

Like he hated himself...

“That’s why we think testifying in front of all those people, including the guys responsible for this, isn’t such a good idea..” John explained, his voice filled with brotherly concern; which just seemed infuriated him more. “Especially when you don’t necessarily have too..”

Things went silent for a moment; like his brothers were waiting for him to say something, but he wasn’t in the mood to talk, he didn’t trust himself not to start shouting if he did.  

John sighed, sounding slightly disheartened “Scott wanted to be the one to talk to you about this, he thought you’ll probably take it better from him than anyone else..”

He rolled his eyes, looking out at the skyline. Of course, Scott would want to be the one to talk to him. That was typical Scott, always wanting to be the one to shoulder the burden. 

But that meant that even Scott, his best friend, though he was..was broken? He realised with a shaky gasp, a feeling of betrayal missing into the anger he was feeling. Sure John had mentioned Scott being a part of this before, but the meaning of it all was only just hitting him now...

“I’m not made of glass…” He whispered tensely as he turned to face his brothers, anger seasoning his voice like a strong chili, hot and burning. “So will you please stop acting like it?!” 

His voice had raised to a shout, like he feared it would; but right now, he didn’t care. John’s eyes hardened a touch, but they were still filled with that same concern that filled him with rage. 

Gordon flinched, brown eyes wide with startled fear and concern, “Virg, John was only saying-”

“I know what he was saying, Gordon!” He snapped at Gordon and instantly regretted it as Gordon’s eyes filled with hurt. “Gordon I-”

“Forget it..” Gordon muttered as he got up from his position on the bed, “I’m going to take a bath; closest thing I'm going to get to a swimming pool for a while..” 

The shared bathroom door slammed shut. 

“We're just trying to look out for you, Virgil..” 

Just as fast as his anger appeared, it disappeared just as fast; maybe even quicker, leaving him feeling empty and hollow once again. He turned to look at John, feeling horribly lost. 

“I..i know, I just-” Suddenly being stuck in a room with the people he had just yelled at, was too much for him to take. “I’m going for a walk, call me when you hear news…” 

Then he ran, only stopping long enough to put his boots on and grab his phone before he was out the door; not looking back. 

He was getting really good at running away it seemed...

[msladyrosa]

I'm here to tell a story that my heart is screaming at me to tell.

This is me. I fucking hate myself, just as much as I fake loving me. I don't think I've ever been this contempt as I was in these photos. I'm awkward and I fake confidence by throwing sarcastic and snarky comments. My coping mechanism consists of lying and just hiding behind my fake me. I've created a confident, pretty and delusional front that isn't me, but it's just as real as the raw version. My raw is ugly and disgusting and I hate it. I hid it and for the love of the non existent God there is, I wish I didn't have the raw side. I write in my skin, because if I went back to cutting, then I would no longer have pretty skin that people can love. I love eating, but I don't do it, because of the fear of losing my 36,28,42 measurements. I'm suicidal, but heavens forgive if I make a joke about it in order to cope with my insane itch to make my skin purple. My arm hair is soft and the last time I shaved I was scared that someone might see the thin, white lines that are underneath. My body is sexy as fuck, but Heavens forgive me if I actually feel comfortable in it. Thoughts of "they'll be fine without me" or "it's better if I'm not here" are drowned by the words I told someone who was a suicidal as me, "killing yourself would not make the pain disappear, you're just passing it on to someone else". I'm such a fucking hypocrite, or is it just a twisted way of actual introspection? What is wrong with the way I walk funny because I'm dizzy for the lack of food is that people notice. Oh great deity in the sky, please allow them to notice, but forgive them is they dare to ask what's wrong. I look happy and relaxed in the photos, hell yes, but not I'm an anxious mess that's writing this in the middle of a mental breakdown. Parents are never the one's to blame, no forgive them for not validating their children's emotions and struggles. No, strict parenthood creates strong-willed, rightful and successful people that think of themselves as worthless, weak, pathetic excuses. Oh we lie, and we lie good. Ask actors if they had strict parents... You'll find none, why? Because strict parents will inforce you an internalized fear of failure outside of social norms and acting is "a waste of time" to their standards. Support doesn't come from the right sized bra, but it sure as fucking hell is welcoming to be held and somehow relived from a burden you didn't fucking asked for. I was so happy ya'll. I was in cloud nine. That day I had a date with a guy I like that I thought was way out of my league, I lied my way through his pseudo intellectual remarks and he believed it.

We know how to lie so good and so true that eventually you lose track of your actual motive to do it in the first place. Society wants you perky and pretty, fuck yeah they do. How do I get all perky and pretty when I only see disgusting, overdosed surroundings? It's easy to get worried when you finally realize somethings not right. It wasn't right to be kneeling at someone's feet screaming a nasty and raspy wail of pain. 10 years it took me to fucking do that and yet nothing really changed. Now I'm just looked at with pity and the quizzical look that can only mean "when is this one gonna blow up again?" Oh, honey, I won't, you're just worried that you're just realizing this now. It's easy to be outside and just stay that way.

I was so happy, all the time. I was forced to lie in order to move forward. You love me? Yeah, as long as you earn it. Are you proud? Sure, as long as you don't fail. Am I okay because I feel like this? Well, it's fine as long as you keep it in. It's beautiful. "As long as..." my reality had always been subjected to a condition, and clause, a fucking constant reminder that I have to earn my happiness. I have to earn my own idea of self worth that is diluted through your standards. I have to earn reassurance from the people I surround myself. I must assume the best case scenario but I can't be surprised when it's the worst outcome.

Having loved a mad human made me realize how flawed I am. I was happy. So, so happy I forgot I wasn't. I tortured myself through endless nights of doubt, starvation with a full kitchen. Sleepless nights contemplating self harm and then decided against it because I had work and the cute client at work would see how damaged I was. I tortured myself with the idea of loneliness in a see of people, only to realize I've been in that see long enough that I grew a tail and fins. I was plagued my guilt because I didn't love them, but when exactly did it go from happy to uttermost bullshit? I was so happy I forgot what sadness was.

I was so happy it started hurting. Hurting when I failed to do something. It was excruciating when I was not able to buy a car because I had noticed I had spent my money of pleasing those who swore they'd provide for me. I was in pain when I showered and instead of singing, I just blasted music loud enough so that nobody heard my hyperventilating bitch ass. I was in so much pain that I welcomed it as my way of happiness. I loved my pain, because I've had it my whole life.

I had it when I was in forth grade and in order to fit in I had to go a sneak around to kiss a boy, and I didn't want to. It was there when I was accused of fighting other girls, but in reality I was trying to establish my self worth, so I was punished. In fifth grade I loved a boy so much I had written beautiful words to describe how much I loved his smile, and so he said I was stalking him and he got scared; 2 months later I was in a shrinks chair talking about it; fast-forward to last night, that same boy explained to me how much he wanted to fuck me now that he had lost weight. Middle school was terrible. Seventh grade, I was constantly degrading myself because another pretty blonde chick was only my friend when she could laugh through me. I insulted a perfectly great teacher because she noticed my self destructive behavior. Eighth grade came and I was lost with a blonde boy. He was beautiful and I was not. He was friends with the girl that swore fielty to me and he chose someone else and because he chose the pretty pale skin on someone else, I settled for the kid that wantedto finger me in the bleachers during recess. Ninth grade came and I was failing classes, parents were strict and hurtful, but they aren't to blame for my shortcomings. That's when I found myself in the arms of the pretty blonde thing I had fallen for. The pretty girl had him in public, I could only have him when we snuck around and he would hold me and kiss me like holding on to his life line. I was letting him touch me, but my self hatred didn't know no boundaries so I suck to my knees and gave my first blowjob at the top of staircase wearing only a lazy purple bra and the school uniform and the shame I'll forever wear because I did it without wanting to, but because I was expected to.

I was so happy to be out of there, that I ended up sinking deeper into my lie. I was smart, new and vulnerable. That's how I met the wholesome boy I called my first boyfriend who was nice and respectful, but he was as ugly as they come. I was a queen to him, but he was looking more like the ogre on the fairy tale and there came my vanity, my ego, my selfishness. I was brutal and I couldn't care less. High school started with a bang with the boy I played with, and when he got to close to my actual raw person, I kicked him out with a bang and he cried. I just stood there not knowing how to react, so I just went on to the next person I could lead on and play. Junior year I knew was difficult, and a black boy with a nice boy and a promising basketball future came around, I once again craved approval and degraded myself to it. That's how I ended up sneaking around 10 minutes before my parents picked me up. In the second floor, I'd found myself again on my knees, and expected to give a blowjob in exchange for attention, and like before, I was hidden, and I expected to be I had tears in my eyes, but because of my shame. Senior year came in, and the black boy with the attractive body was replaced with another, but this one only had pretty eyes and the promise of spoiling me with his family's money. Once again, I said yes when he said he wanted me to be his girlfriend, at least this time I was not hidden, but I was back in the cycle and I ditched my best friend in a movie theater so that I would be in the backseat on a Dodge, sucking my pseudo boyfriend's dick with tears on my eyes, not becauseofhis size, but becausethe disgust towards myself. Like before, I was expected to do so, and so I did.

Heavens above forgive the religion to blame women for sin and lust, but instead punish us for the boys who couldn't keep their dicks to themselves. The end of senior year came, and I was relieved, but then I fell for the guy my parents liked. Humble background, similar interests, and a promise of stability. I was ditched because for him I was a whore and his friends told him so, I accepted the insults and insinuations.

I was so happy, I forgot the rest. College was great and a religious nut job, a platonic love, a semi smart dipshit with the complex of being over everyone in experience, a quiet mature man that treated me with decency, the suicidal broken guy who needed healing #1 and the suicidal broken guy who needed healing #2, later, here I am.

I was so happy in these pictures, I had no idea was contemplating my own disappearance. I write this with migrane, blue ink from a ballpoint in my thighs, with nostalgic memories of moments where my mind wasn't this crowded. I was so happy it hurt. I guess that my logic dictates that happiness is painful and that my pain can bring me joy, but fuck I was so happy.

I had everything. I was pretty, I was smart, I was important. I'm still all those things, but right this very second, I'm happy, and painful so. Heavens above forgive for I have sinned...

I dared to fail... I sinned

I dared to fall into lust... I sinned

I dared to judge... I sinned

I fucking dared to wake up every miserable day... I had sinned.

I dared to be painfully happy... I sinned

I lied... and so that's my greatest sin of all.