#it's been a long time since i've just had a whole 24 hours where i did nothing BUT write

[katierosefun]

so annoying when you want to write and you have motivation and inspiration to write, but unfortunately. your real life obligations are dragging you away

[penultimate-step]

Lately, I've been thinking about the effect of real-world time on perception of media. Or, wait, let me start from the beginning.

When I was 11, I read the book Ender's Game for some school assignment or another. I don't remember ever considering Ender a relatable character, but certainly my understanding of the events was shaped by being of an age to see the protagonist not so much as a young child but as someone of my peer group, someone who could have been slotted amongst my classmates without anybody batting an eye.

Over a decade later, I read the sequel, Speaker for the Dead; it takes place many years later, when Ender is in his thirties, and my feelings about the in-universe time skip were undeniably shaped by the real life time gap between my reading of the novels. Reading the first book back then and then the second book now created a feeling where it's almost like, I'm browsing the facebook page of someone I had known in middle school but lost contact with, checking up on how they're doing today. The real-time factor caused me to perceive it less like a timeskip, and more like a reunion - the feelings were closer to "oh wow, that's my boy! I haven't seen him in years! Wonder what he's up to?" Which in turn gave me a better position to appreciate the parts of the narrative about him struggling to find a place in his adulthood than I would have been had I perceived it more strictly as a quick skip from 11 to 20 to 36.

While musing about this, I considered a VN I played a few years back, which took place over three in-game days - except at the end of one in-game day, the game would lock you out from progressing for 24 hours real time. So that as the in-game investigator protagonist was ruminating on the information that had been discovered that day, the player would be forced to do the same. In this example, by forcing the player to experience the same timeframe as the in-game characters, the sense of it being an in-depth and extensive investigation increases, even though without the forced pauses the game would be short enough to blow through in a handful of hours real-time.

Which brings to mind how time effects things in long-running serial works. It's well known that an audience which watches an episode or reads a chapter week by week has a very different experience than one binging through whole seasons or volumes at a time, but I wonder if the real time relative to the in-universe time makes that effect stand out more? Fight scenes, for instance, have been known to take up several chapters in certain manga or webnovels. What does it do to the reader's perception, if from their point a view a fight takes a whole month, while for the characters they read about it's only been a couple hours? Readers might feel that the situation is more stressful, since the pressure of the fight has been ongoing for a long time for them, while in-universe it was a rough afternoon but no more than that. Contrastingly, when a series skips ahead or otherwise has long periods of time for characters that feel short for readers, it can feel like no time has passed and everything is still the same, unless the author really stresses the differences in world-state that occurred offscreen. Because the reader hasn't changed at all.

No conclusion here exactly, I just think it's interesting how often an audience's response to a work, the emotions felt, are more closely tied to their real-life timescale, something almost completely out of the author's control, as opposed to in-universe time, which can be intentionally shifted or played with for the sake of the narrative.

[jpmarvel90]

Don't Belong part 2

Masterlist Natasha Masterlist

Part 1

Word Count: 5499

Relationship: Mother WandaNat x Daugher Reader

Summary: After Y/n's accident on her mission, her mother's are terrified that they might not get the chance to make things right with their daughter. That's assuming Y/n wants anything to do with them when she comes around.

Nat: Mama Wanda: Mom

Nat's POV:

It's been over 24 hours since Y/n came out of surgery and she's still unconscious with a machine helping her breathe. I thought she would have been awake by now and there'd be a relief that she was on the start of her long road to recovery.

Instead, Wanda and I are glued to our seats next to her bed. We've only gotten up to use the bathroom. Otherwise, we've remained by her side. Pepper kindly offered to take the boys for as long as it's needed. Though they are both very anxious to see Y/n themselves. They might be young, but they understand that she's hurt. They love their sister, and they want her to wake up just as much as we do.

I've not slept since we found out that she was hurt, and I don't plan to until she is awake. Though the longer it goes on, the more my body is fighting against that desire. I want to be there when she wakes up to show her that her moms are going to be there for her the whole way through her recovery.

Wanda and I have spoken a lot over the last day. We've shared our pain and sadness, whilst making sure we come up with a plan to help her with her recovery and to ultimately gain her forgiveness.

We both know that Y/n will not forgive us easily, if at all. But that doesn't mean that we're not going to try with everything in us. For too long we've allowed her to go about her life thinking that we don't love or care for her anymore. She has every right to feel that way after how we've treated her. But she will not ever question that again.

The both of us are sat in silence, both of us watching over our daughter. My eyes are trained on her chest, making sure that she is still breathing, gaining a lot of comfort from the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest. However, the silence doesn't last long until the door flies open.

Out of instinct, both Wanda and I shoot up from our seats and take a defensive stance in front of our daughter to protect her from any danger. However, we soon relax when we see Yelena's worried face. "I came as soon as I could." She tells us as she moves closer to the bed, her hand hesitant as it reaches out towards her niece.

Yelena has been away for most of the time over the last few years. She's been helping to find all the widows and has only come back for a couple of days at a time. Each time though, she has always made time for us. "How is she?" She asks, as I pull up another chair for my sister.

"It's not good. She's still in critical condition. They had to remove part of her liver, but Cho reckons that if she can get through these first few days, that she'll be on track for a full recovery." I fill her in as her eyes never leave Y/n. "Clint said that it was a double agent that set her up." She states and we nod in clarification. "I'll be paying a visit to Fury when I'm done here." She announces, an anger to her voice. "We've tried to see him, but Fury won't let us anywhere near him." Wanda warns her but Yelena just scoffs. "I'll get to him one way or another." She states and I believe her. She's incredibly protective of the people she loves, and she'll want to make sure that he pays. I actually hope that she does.

"Wait, you said you were with Clint?" I question her and she nods. "Yeah, he was with me on my last mission. He's waiting outside, he didn't want to intrude." She responds, pointing towards the window behind her where Clint is stood with a young girl next to him. "Who's with him?" I ask. "Kate Bishop. Clint's stray. He's going to see if she can join Shield." Yelena explains. "She was with us and had no where else to go so I said she could stay here for now." She adds on. If Clint thinks she's worthy of Shield, then I believe that she is. She must also be good if Yelena has been working with her. She wouldn't let anyone help who would slow her down.

"How long are you back for?" Wanda steps in with her own question, making my own ears prick up for her response. "As long as I need to be. I want to be around to help with her recovery." Yelena replies, making me smile. Y/n is going to need all the help she can get, and she adores Yelena, so I'm glad that she's not going anywhere any time soon.

After a while, we indicate for Clint and Kate to come in. We go through our introduction, and I can see how enthusiastic Kate is. She's very chatty and I'm surprise she's not pissed off Clint and Yelena yet though! "I read about Y/n in the Young Initiative files." Kate shares. "Did you know she is the only recruit to ever get a perfect score. She could have passed the exams two years ago and still topped the class." She tells us enthusiastically. "Sounds like you're a fan." Yelena teases her, making the young girl blush. "I guess when your parents are the Black Widow and the Scarlett Witch, you're going to be good." Kate chuckles.

It makes my gaze drop, something that Yelena clocks on to instantly. She's not been around so hasn't seen how we've treated Y/n. I'm actually worried for when I tell her. She's going to hate us for it and I'd be surprised if she even lets us stay around Y/n. "Y/n did it all on her own. With a little help from Steve. Her talent has come from her own ability and desire to be the best." Wanda corrects Kate, showing that we have no claim to how good Y/n is at being an agent. "Oh, that's even more impressive then. You must be really proud." She smiles at us and we both nod. "More than she'll ever know." I mutter.

__________

When Kate and Clint leave, Yelena is quick to question Wanda and I. We tell her of what's been going on and how ashamed we are and how much we want to be able to fix everything. "You don't deserve to fix it." She spits angrily at us. "It's no excuse to say that you got lost in the boys. Y/n is your daughter too and she needed you." She shouts, calling us both out on our actions. "We know Yelena. We can't take back how we've treated her. But I promise that we won't every do anything like that again!" I tell her sincerely. "No, you won't. I won't let you. If you are going to be back in her life as the parents you should have been, you have to be all in. You promised to be better than we had Natasha!" She tells me firmly with a finger jabbing into my chest.

"I know Yelena. I wish I had a valid excuse or reason for what we did. I will never forgive myself. I will always have a hatred towards myself for ever making her feel the way we did. But I'm not going to wallow and hide away from it. I want to own up to the mistake and try and fix it. I know that it's not going to be an easy fix, but I will stay here and face the brunt of the anger and pain that she's feeling because I will not give up on her. Not again." I tell her passionate. "Neither of us will. I promise you Yelena, we will do everything in our power to fix this." Wanda steps up and adds her own promise, taking my hand. At least we have each other through all of this.

Yelena doesn't speak, she just looks between the two of us, her chest heaving with anger. It's intimidating to be the one on the receiving end, but we deserve it. I'm glad that Yelena is here. She simple nods her head and that is the subject over with. For now.

That night, my body ultimately wins, and I end up getting a couple of hours sleep. Though it's full of nightmares that I can't seem to escape and then when I wake up, I'm terrified that Y/n will be awake already and I'll have missed it. But when my body wakes with a jolt, I'm met with my sleeping wife and still unconscious daughter.

I stretch out and move closer to the bed and take Y/n's bruised hand in my own. "I can't lose you. You are my daughter, blood or not and I love you so much. I know I haven't shown that to you and there is no excuse for that. I also know that you have every right to never forgive me. So, my only request, is please wake up. Please survive. I don't think I can live in a world without you in it." I plead with her. Hoping that somewhere in her subconscious she can hear me. I squeeze her hand, hoping for any response, but nothing comes.

The day goes by slower than usual. That is until Cho comes in to check on Y/n and gives us the good news that she should be able to breathe without the ventilator now. Wanda and I step outside as we watch through the window. We're holding on to each other tightly as we watch. "This is good. She's strong and this is the first step to her waking up." Wanda speaks. I can hear the hesitation in her voice, showing that she is trying to convince herself more than anything. "You're right. She is so strong. I know she's going to wake up soon." I add on, smiling at my wife.

Cho soon joins us with a smile. "She's doing well. She's now breathing easily on her own. I expect she'll wake up within a few hours. I'll be back to do a full examination then so we can assess her injuries." She informs us. I feel a sense of relief wash over me. Hopefully it won't be long until our daughter is back with us.

The next couple of hours seems to drag by. Clint, Yelena and Kate all paid another visit but left to try and sort a room out for Kate in the compound. Steve was then the next to join us, taking a seat at the end of Y/n's bed. It's a long wait until we finally see a twitch to Y/n's eye.

I'm the first to my feet, leaning over to see if I had imagined the small movement. "Y/n, honey. It's mama. Can you hear me?" I ask her, fighting off the tears threatening to fall. With a flutter, her blues eyes lock on to mine. "She squeezed my hand." Wanda says excitedly. "Baby, we're here." She tells Y/n, who's got a confused look in her eyes.

"You're in the medical wing sweetheart. You got shot on your mission." I explain to her. "S-t-Steve." She stutters out. "He's fine. He's here." I reassure her, waving for Steve to come closer. "Hey kiddo. Boy we're glad to see you awake." He tells her with a relived smile. One that she returns. "I'll got and get Dr Cho." Wanda states, quickly leaving the room. "T-the m-mission." Y/n starts but Steve is quick to stop her. "Is not to worry about right now. Just know it wasn't your fault. But we'll explain it when you're doing better." He tells her, earning a nod. She reaches out her hand to Steve and he instantly takes it. "You're not allowed to scare us like that again." He chuckles, his voice wavering.

"S-sorry." She replies, her eyes fluttering again. "It's ok sweetheart. Don't fight it if you want to sleep again." I tell her softly. She doesn't really acknowledge me, but she does seem to listen as her eyes flutter shut once again.

They don't stay closed for long though, soon woken up by Cho as she comes in with a wide smile. "There's my favourite patient." She smiles at Y/n, who grins in return. "I bet you s-say that to e-everyone." Y/n responds through a struggled chuckle. "But with you I actually mean it." Cho winks, before looking over Y/n's chart and obs.

She takes the time to explain Y/n's injuries to her and the plan for her recovery. I see her face drop when she realises she's going to be in the hospital for at least another week before being on strict bed rest when she's discharged. "I'll be around if you need anything or have any questions. So please get one of the nurses to get me if you need me. That goes for all of you." Dr Cho offers. "Thank you. For everything." I tell her sincerely. She gives me a tightly smile before turning on her heel and leaving the three of us too it.

With Cho gone, it's silent in the med bay as Wanda, Steve and I just watch over Y/n. She is struggling to keep her eyes open, but I can see a pain in them when they lock on to mine. "You should get some rest kiddo." Steve speaks up as Y/n nods in return. "W-will you s-stay?" She asks, making Steve smile widely. "Of course." He returns, moving to get another chair to sit with us. At that confirmation, Y/n seems comfortable enough to let her eyes close and for sleep to take back over.

It's almost agony to see her asleep once again. We've been waiting for so long for her to wake up, for her to be asleep so soon is tough. I almost want to start apologising and showing her that we're going to change and it's going to stick. But I don't want to overwhelm her. At the moment, her recovery is the most important thing. As much as I hate it, earning her forgiveness will have to wait.

"Now she's awake, you two should head to your apartment. See the twins, eat some proper food, and get some sleep. I can stay with her." Steve offers, but I'm quick to decline. "I don't want to leave her." I tell him, whilst gripping her hand tighter, my eyes not leaving her sleeping form. Steve lets out a sigh. "She'll be asleep for a while, and she needs you both on top form." He tells us.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and look up to see Wanda smiling warmly at me. I hadn't even noticed that she had moved from the other side of the bed. "Steve's right. We've been here for days. If we want to do what's right by Y/n, then we need to look after ourselves as well." She speaks sense.

With a huff I stand from my seat and lean forward to press a kiss to Y/n's head. "We'll be back later sweetheart. I love you so much." I tell her softly then move so that Wanda can say goodbye too. With one last look to our daughter, we both reluctantly leave. Though I smile when I see Steve move closer and take Y/n's hand in his own. Although I will forever regret how we have treated Y/n, I'm glad that she has had Steve there for her.

Y/n's POV:

Well, that was not how I wanted my first mission to go. I wanted to impress everyone, not end up in the med bay with part of my liver missing! Waking up was a weird experience. Seeing my parents' faces were the last thing I expected to see. They seem genuinely worried, but that was probably all a front for everyone else. They can't be seen to not care about the daughter they've ignored for the last few years.

When I wake up next, I see Steve smile down at me. "You're still here." I say and he nods. "Of course. I wanted to make sure that you're ok." He replies, making my own smile grow. I look around and my smile drops when I see that my moms aren't here. I can't hide that it hurts a little that they didn't stick around. But I shouldn't care about that. They haven't cared about me.

"Should have guessed they would go once I woke up." I complain, wincing as I try to adjust myself in bed. "Careful Y/n/n." Steve scolds me as he shoots to his feet to help adjust my pillows. "I told them to go." He admits and I look at him with a frown. "Not like that. But they have not left your side since you were brought in. They weren't looking after themselves and if they are going to help you through your recovery, they need to be at 100%" He explains but I just scoff.

"I don't need their help with my recovery. They didn't care before I was hurt, they don't get to care now." I groan. Steve takes his seat again and looks at me with his, "I know I'm right" look. "Y/n. I know you don't believe it, but they do care for you. They were cut up when you got hurt. They were devastated that they wouldn't have the chance to be able to make things up to you." He says. I roll my eyes, but he continues. "Look, I'm not saying you have to forgive them. But you can't question how much they have cared for you over the last few days."

"Fine, but I'm not going back to their place to recover." I huff, folding my arms. "Considering you've been shot and in a medically induced coma for the last few days, it's good to see it hasn't affected your attitude." Steve teases.

We sit in silence as I think about my parents. They surely can't think that just because they've been sat beside my bed whilst I've been hurt is going to make up for everything that they have done over the years? Who's to say that they won't go back to how they were once I'm healed? I have a place at Sheild now. Somewhere that I can make a name for myself and create my own family.

"I'm sorry I messed up the mission." I break the silence, my mind now moving on to the fact I failed at my first mission. "You didn't fail anything kiddo. We were set up. If anything, I should apologise to you. They were after me, but you were the one to get hurt. You did a great job of take on as many agents as you did." He explains, taking my hand in his. "You fought, and it's because of your skill and ability that you're alive. You impressed everyone." He assures me, running his thumb over my bruised knuckles.

Our moment is broken when my moms walk back in. "You're awake!" Mom says excitedly as both her and mama move into the room quickly. Steve moves back from my side, which I frown at as mama takes my hand in hers. I'm quick to pull it away. The hurt that flashes across her face doesn't go unnoticed, but I'm not in the mood to pretend like everything is ok right now.

"How are you feeling?" Mom asks, appearing to my left. "I'm fine." I respond shortly, receiving a warning raised eyebrow from Steve. "Are you in pain? I can get the nurse to come in and get you some pain killers." Mom fusses. "I'm fine." I repeat the same words. "That's not true, you've been wincing since you've woken up." Steve rats me out. Traitor. "If a 40 calibre bullet went through you, I'm sure you'd be wincing too." I snap. "Told you. Amazing how your attitude hasn't changed." Steve chuckles.

However, both my mom's look at me with worried looks. "I'm going to get Dr Cho. You look pale." Mom worries before rushing out the room.

Mama reaches forward and places her hand on my head, which I quickly try and move away from her touch. "You're hot. I hope you're not running a fever." She states. "Like you care." I mumble, but she hears it and that look of hurt appears on her face again. "Look Y/n. I know you believe that we don't care or love you. But that couldn't be further from the truth. I want nothing more than to talk to you about it and start to make up for everything. But right now, all that matters is your recovery. You can hate us and ignore us or yell at us, but we are not going anywhere." She states firmly, her eyes locked on to mine. I just roll my eyes and turn to look at Dr Cho who has walking into the room.

She checks me over and I notice the frown on her face. "What's up?" I question. "I'm worried about your temperature. I want to run some tests, but with the inflammation to your incision, I'm worried you've got an infection. It's nothing to worry about as we've caught it early. But we'll need to keep a close eye on you." She replies. "So, no discharge yet then." I huff.

Cho chuckles and looks up from my chart. "It's funny you think you were close even without this infection." She teases. "Aren't you meant to be nice to me? I'm a patient after all." I pout. "If I'm on good behaviour, can I get out early?" I plead. "Maybe in a week. But you'll be on strict bed rest and need to be cared for. You're still technically a minor." Cho breaks the news and I know exactly what she's getting at. "But I'm 18 in like 4 days! Besides, I literally got shot on a mission for Shield. Surely that's enough?" I argue.

"Y/n, you are going to struggle to walk, let alone be able to properly look after yourself. Even after you're 18, you'll need support during your recovery. It isn't a simple road ahead for you." Dr Cho returns. "So, what are you saying?" I get straight to the point. "I'm recommending that you are discharged to your family. You'll be in the compound so if anything goes wrong, you can get the right medical attention straight away." She explains. "Really? There are no other options. Can't I stay with Steve or something?" I ask but she shakes her head.

"Y/n, come on. It's what is best for you. Your moms will be there to help. I'll be away on missions so can't give you the care you need." Steve speaks up, but soon shrinks back as I glare at him. "Really, what makes you think that I'll get the care I need at home?" I growl, my anger building. "Y/n..." Mama starts but I cut her off. "No! You can't just stand there and act like the caring parents when you have done nothing to back that claim up. I've been the forgotten daughter for years! Slowly I have been pushed out this family and now you want me to just act like everything is ok and trust that you'll look after me?!" I yell, that frustration finally finding its way out.

"Y/n, you need to calm down. Your heartrate is getting too high." Dr Cho tries to calm me down. "Kiddo. You're ok. You need to give them a chance." Steve tries to reason. "A chance like I was given? I've practically raised myself these last few years!" I snap. Why is he suddenly defending them?!

"Please sweetheart. You're going to make yourself sicker. We want to be there for you. We're not denying how badly we've treated you. But I promise that it will never happen again. You'll be safe with us. We just want to be able to care for you and help you get to full health." Mama speaks, her eyes filled with tears. I look between her, and mom and I see that she's almost inconsolable. "Do I have a choice?" I sigh, turning to Cho. "Technically, yes. But physically, you won't be able to follow through with it." She breaks the bad news. Suddenly the sounds of my heart monitor becomes noticeable so I lie back and take a couple of deep breaths. I can feel all their eyes on me, and I let out a sigh. "Fine whatever." I respond. I just need to do everything that Cho tells me so I can heal as fast as possible and move back to Shield and start my life again.

__________

The next few days are not fun. My infection hit me pretty hard, and I spent a lot of time either sweating or freezing whilst fighting the urge to throw up. I hate being stuck in this bed and I just want to be healthy again and being able to go on missions. Before it went south, I was loving it. Even if it was just a small one.

I'm also finding it hard that my mothers are suddenly around all the time. Mama is much better at not smothering me. Mom on the other hand, she is always fussing. But that's her and I used to love it when I was younger, when she actually cared about my wellbeing. "Wands, she's already said she has enough pillows." Mama sighs, her own frustrations growing. "Yes, sorry you did." Mom apologises, slowly putting the pillow down she had in her hands.

"Can I get you anything else? Some food. Though the food here is pretty horrible. When you're back home, I'll make sure to cook you something tasty with the food you're allowed to eat." She starts to ramble. I'm not going to lie, that does sound amazing, and I'd kill for a bowl of paprikash right now. I remember when mom taught me how to cook it. It was one of the last memories I have of us spending quality time together.

I don't realise I'm smiling until I see both my parents looking at me warmly. I quickly shake it off, not wanting to let them think that I'm enjoying this in the slightest. "You know what. A sandwich would be good." I say, taking them both by surprise. I've not been very talkative, but I could do with a break right now. I know I won't be able to get rid of both of them, but I can at least take a break from mom fussing.

"Of course. I'll go and make you something up and bring it down. The bread is always dry here." She speaks, grabbing a couple of things and turning to leave. "Maybe I'll check with Cho if you could have a smoothy." She mumbles, making mama chuckle as she leaves.

I let out a breath of relief. I feel slightly less suffocated. But I am still very aware of mama's eyes boring into me. I'm used to her being quiet. She always observes, making her conclusions before talking when it's necessary. But seeing her now, it feels different. I'm pretty good at reading people and I can tell that she is lost in her own thoughts. I've only seen her like it a couple of times before and it's been after particularly difficult missions. Ones that bring up bad memories for her.

I grab the TV remote and try and find something to watch. I end up with Rizzoli and Isles on. I don't really watch it, but the sound is helping to break the awkward silence. Just after they break the case in the show, I notice mama sit more upright in her seat.

"When I found you in Hydra, I knew instantly that I wanted to help you. There was something about you that melted my heart. When we found out that you had no family to return you to, it wasn't even a question, I knew I was going to adopt you. In that short space of time, I had spent with you, I grew to love you." She starts. I don't look to her, my focus on the TV.

"Even though you had been through so much, you had this happiness around you. You were grateful for everything and found the joy in the smallest thing. I just wanted to give you a life that you deserved. When I married Wanda, I was so happy that I could give you two loving parents." From the corner of my eye, I can see her smile tearily as she picks at the skin around her fingers.

"I failed you Y/n. When I adopted you, I promised that I would be the best parent to you. That you would never want for anything. What's worse, is I never even noticed what I was doing. What we were both doing. I've always prided myself on being able to read people, but I couldn't see the damage I was doing to my own daughter." She continues, pain evident in her voice.

"I wish I could go back in time to change how we acted with you. To include you fully with the twins, to support you in your work in the Shield Programme. To show that even with the boys, you were loved and an integral part of this family. All I can do is apologise and promise that we are not going to let that happen again." She finishes, finally look up to me, a couple of tears falling down her cheeks.

"It's been years. We're not just talking about a couple of months here." I speak up, still not able to lock eyes with her. "Steve became more of a parent for me than the two of you." I admit, and that seems to make mama's heart break a little more. "Is it because I'm not biologically yours and moms?" I ask, my voice shaking.

Mama is quickly to her feet and takes my hand in between both of hers. "No. Of course not Detka, and I will forever hate myself that I've allowed you to think otherwise." She tries to reassure me, a panic in her eyes. "I wish I could give you a reason for why we acted like we did. Initially, it was because we were so focused on the boys, but after that, I have no idea. I wish I could pinpoint why, maybe it would make this all easier. I know you probably don't believe it, but I love you as much as those boys. Blood doesn't matter to me. You are my daughter as much as they are my sons. I know and feel that through every fibre of my body." She expresses. The sincerity is evident in both her voice and facial expressions. "Saying sorry isn't going to fix this. You only knew what you were doing because I called you out on it. Had I not gotten shot, would you have made any effort to rectify what was wrong?" I question her, my anger growing.

"We wanted to. We were planning on taking you to breakfast to talk and work out a way that we could make things right with you. But you had gone, and we couldn't get to you. You have a lot of people at Sheild that love you." She chuckles humourlessly. That is true. Maria is like an aunt to me and her and Fury happily kept my room allocation secret, "Look, I know that we don't deserve your forgiveness, but it doesn't mean that we are going to stop trying." She states firmly.

"It's not that simple mama. I have learnt to live without you now and I've got my own place with Shield. We can both move on with you getting your perfect biological family and I get the career I want." I say, but that only makes mama cry more. "No, our family is only perfect if you are in it too!" She almost shouts, but she's quick to calm herself down. "Look, we've got to live together through your recovery, let's just see how things go after that ok." She proposes. "Fine, but I can't promise anything will change." I respond and she nods. "I know. But I'm going to try everything to earn your forgiveness." She comes back with a newfound confidence.

We fall back into a silence, one that feels more comfortable. Mama looks less stressed, but her brow is still furrowed. When mom returns, the quiet is broken again, despite mama trying to get her to calm down. I try not to smile when she tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear. I miss this caring side of my parents so much. But for me, it's too little, too late.

Taglist: @reggierizzoli @ordelixx @mousetheorist

[avatar-anna]

I was thinking you could do a “5 times y/n told Harry she was pregnant” for the young!dad series !! That would be so interesting especially since in the last piece you mentioned that Harry already had a feeling she was pregnant before she even told him

The Thing About Having Six Kids

so i got this ask and a couple others that were kind of about the kids' birth/pregnancy a while ago, and went with five different instances about each kid in the youngdadrry universe. it's all surrounding their birth, finding out about pregnancies, etc. enjoy!

Young Dad! Harry x Young Mom! Reader

Simone

(a text conversation between Harry and Y/n)

Y/n: i'm pregnant

(one day later)

Y/n: Harry?

Harry: Are you sure?

Y/n: i'm sure

Y/n: i have four different pregnancy tests to prove it

Harry: I don't know what to say.

Y/n: the 24 hours it took you to respond kind of told me that

Harry: I'm sorry about that. It's just...a lot

Y/n: it's fine i guess. at least you finally responded.

Harry: Did you think I wouldn't?

Y/n: honestly? yeah. it's not like we're married or in love or anything. you don't even live in the same country as me

Harry: What are you going to do?

Harry: I know but I wouldn't just like disappear on you

Harry: I was just shocked that's all

Y/n: idk. i'm still trying to figure out a way to tell my parents

Harry: Shit my parents!

Y/n: that's kinda where i'm at right now

Y/n: but i think i want to keep it

Y/n: the baby

Y/n: fuck that sounds crazy to say. i have physics homework due tomorrow but let me stop and make a life altering decision really quick about whether i want to have a baby or not

Harry: I'm sorry. You know...

Y/n: for getting me pregnant? knocking me up? putting a bun in the oven?

Harry: It seems too early to joke about this

Y/n: it's keeping me from freaking the fuck out at the moment

(ten minutes later)

Harry: I want to talk about this properly and figure this whole thing out but I have to go

Y/n: please don't feel obligated or anything. this was just a courtesy

Y/n: i don't expect anything from you. i get it if your management wants you to delete my number and never see me again. i just thought you should know.

Harry: What are you talking about?

Harry: Y/n?

3 missed calls from Him <3

Collette

"Let's have another baby."

Y/n was close to nodding off, so it was very possible that she was dreaming. She looked behind her. It was dark in the bedroom, but Harry was close enough that she could see him, could see that his head was propped on his elbow so he could look down at her.

"What did you say?" she asked, because she needed to be sure.

"I...I want another baby," he said, voice soft even though they were the only two people in the room. Simone was fast asleep in her own bedroom, tuckered out after a long day of playing at the park and eating ice cream and fingerpainting with Harry. Now that One Direction was officially on hiatus, it was just the three of them—Y/n, Harry, and Simone. Y/n thought it would take some getting used to, living a relatively normal life. But their little family actually fell into it quite easily.

Perhaps a little too easily.

"Say something."

Y/n hadn't realized she failed to respond, but to be fair, that was a pretty big bomb her husband just dropped. Her husband. They'd been married for a few months now, but it still felt surreal, which was probably why the idea of having another baby felt too far from reality to comprehend.

"I just...I don't know what to say," Y/n said honestly. "I—I'm not sure we're ready for that."

"We weren't ready the first time," Harry said when Y/n finally flipped on her other side to face him. This seemed like a conversation he really wanted to have, so she thought facing him would probably be best. "I just think this might be the time, you know? I don't have an insane schedule anymore, there's no more management to say that we can't, and I've always thought about giving Simone a sibling. Don't tell me you've never thought about it."

"I...I have," Y/n said.

She did think about more kids. As young as she and Harry were and as impossible as their relationship seemed at times, Y/n couldn't help but think about wanting more. She loved Harry, and she'd been loving these moments they'd been able to share as a proper family recently. Harry was right, if they wanted to have another baby, now would be the time.

"Tell me what you're thinking," he said as she felt more than saw his hand push some hair away from her face.

"What happens when you start working again?" Y/n asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I know you, H," she said. "And I love you. Everything about you. And one of the parts that make you who you are is the music. This...this little bubble we're in, I love it too, but I know you'll want to go back to it someday. And then you'll go on tour for ten months, and I'll be alone to raise two kids by myself for a majority of the year."

It was harsh, but she trusted him enough to take it. This was the thought that always held her back. Y/n thought about the possibility of expanding their family on more than one occasion, especially in recent weeks when things have been practically perfect. But the reality was that Harry would want to go back to work. She knew, maybe better than anyone, the desire he had to make his own music, to create and write in ways he couldn't while in the band. And perform. Harry loved to perform live. Y/n knew that this time spent with just their family was fleeting, and she cherished every minute of it, the same way she knew Harry did. It was only a matter of time before he went back to work, and she wasn't sure she could raise Simone and a newborn without him.

"That's...That's all over now," Harry said. When Y/n tried to protest, he continued on. "What I meant to say was, the ridiculous schedules, the strict rules about when we can and can't spend time together, the separate hotel rooms. Mama, things can be different now."

"But management—"

"I bought out my contract," he said. "I haven't really given it much thought in a while because I just want to be present with you and Simone, but I've got a few people in mind for new managers. People who will prioritize our family."

This was certainly news to Y/n. It was hard to talk about Harry's management or the harsh thumb they pinned him under, so oftentimes it was a topic they avoided. Hearing him say this now, knowing how much money it would've taken to buy out his contract...that was a huge deal. As far as she knew, the other boys were just sticking with it until the contracts were finished. But Harry went and did what Y/n didn't even think was possible.

"Our family," Y/n repeated, and for a moment, she could see it. The three of them becoming four. It was crazy to think about, to think so far ahead into the future, but Y/n wasn't scared by it.

"Let's have another baby," Harry said again.

Looking at him, Y/n's heart squeezed in her chest. He'd been growing his hair out for a while now, and it was long enough that it reached just passed his shoulders. She loved it, thought it made him look older, more mature. And okay, hot. And Simone loved it too. She loved braiding it and putting bows and flowers in it or just twisting it around her finger. His shoulders were broad and lean, though he'd put on a little muscle in his arms from doing handiwork around the house, something he claimed he loved to do even though Y/n had heard him curse from another room while he worked on his latest project.

She looked at his face, the one that looked so different yet so similar to the one she'd met when she was seventeen. She wondered what those teenagers would think of the people they'd become, of the things they'd seen and experienced.

She thought about it. The baby-to-be. It would have Harry's eyes and smile, her nose and hair color. If it was a girl, she could wear matching outfits with Simone, if it was a boy...Well, they could maybe still match. Y/n thought about all the baby clothes—the adorable little onesies and shoes and mittens to keep the baby from scratching their face while they slept. She didn't let herself think of the late nights and sore boobs and dirty diapers. In this moment, she just thought about all the good feelings, every perfect moment that could be.

"You promise things will be different? I can't—I can't do it alone," she said, needing to hear him say it again.

Harry didn't try to kiss her, he didn't put his hands on her waist or pull her to his chest—all tactics he would normally use to distract her. This conversation was too serious, too important, and she loved him all the more for understanding that.

"I promise, Y/n," he said, taking her hand in his and squeezing it. "I will never make you regret living this life with me."

"That's not what I—"

"I know, but I just...I needed to say it."

He needed to make that promise to her, to himself. Life had not been easy, and Y/n knew Harry blamed himself for a lot of the hardships they faced.

"I don't," she said, kissing their joined hands. "And I won't. Ever. "

Harry grinned, and Y/n could tell even in the dark that his gaze was a little watery. Still, he inched forward and said, "So...?"

Y/n leaned forward and kissed him, her leg slotting between his. "Let's have another baby."

Maeve and Jules

"I'm sorry, did you just say twins?"

"I did. I'm seeing two heartbeats here. See?" The doctor said, pointing at the monitor she'd been observing closely the last five minutes.

Y/n couldn't quite believe what she was hearing. It was one thing to be pregnant (again), but an entirely different one to be pregnant with twins. "That's—"

"Amazing," Harry breathed.

Y/n turned her head away from the monitor to look at her husband, whose eyes were glued to the screen with a look of wonder in them. As she'd begun to process her own feelings about housing not one but two babies in her belly for nine months, she hadn't really considered how he might feel about it.

Looking at him now, she could tell he was ecstatic.

Y/n was still panicking a little, but seeing the elation on Harry's face was comforting. She took his hand in hers and squeezed it hard, needing to feel the warmth of his palm to ground her.

"Hey," he said softly, bending down to kiss the top of her head. "This is a good thing. Unexpected, but good."

"I know," Y/n said, letting out a shaky breath. "I know it's just...a lot. I mean...twins?"

"Nothing we can't handle," Harry said, kissing her cheek.

His confidence was reassuring. Maybe he was freaking out on the inside and not letting it show for her sake, but Y/n felt better about the situation at hand and was ready to continue with the appointment.

To the doctor, she said, "Are they healthy?"

The doctor smiled warmly. "They are. It looks like one of them is about a week behind, but that's nothing to worry about."

"Really? They're twins. That doesn't seem possible," Harry said, his brow furrowing adorably.

"It's rare, but it is possible. Fraternal twins can be conceived as much as twenty-four days apart," the doctor said.

Y/n understood perhaps a split-second before Harry, but when he did, he turned as beet red as she felt. The doctor didn't seem to mind their embarrassment, though she'd probably seen all sorts of couples and situations. Y/n imagined there wasn't much that the doctor hadn't seen before.

The appointment wrapped up pretty quickly after that. Harry snuck out of the hospital through a separate door while Y/n set up her next appointment. She met him in the staff parking lot, where he was standing by the passenger door to help her in. Harry gave her a quick kiss before closing her in and walking around to the driver's side. As he drove, Y/n was thinking about a number of things—twice the amount of clothes, twice the amount of crying, twice the amount of diaper changes. She was excited at the prospect of having a baby. It was a conversation she and Harry had before they started trying, but the idea of twins was a lot to wrap her head around.

She looked at Harry, wanting to ask how he felt now that they were alone, but she stopped herself.

Harry had one hand on the steering wheel, the other covering a wide grin. He was blushing a little too, and Y/n couldn't help but ask what had him smiling like an idiot.

"I'm trying to figure out which times," he said.

"What do you mean which—Are you kidding? Which times we conceived the twins?"

"Aren't you curious?" Harry asked. "Twice, babe. I put a baby in you twice. I mean, one of them had to be when we were on the yacht, right? I always feel good after we have sex, but I feel like we really outdid ourselves there. Clearly."

Y/n just looked at her husband in shock. "You are..."

"What? It's cool!" Harry insisted, but he was laughing too. "And it takes the edge off a little. Come on, you try."

So he was more nervous than he was letting on. That was comforting in its own way too, but Y/n appreciated his attempts to lighten the mood. They could have a serious conversation later, but for now it was fun to just forget all of that. Just for a moment.

Y/n gave him a dry look, trying to appear like she wasn't impressed until she eventually rolled her eyes and smiled. "Mm...I agree with the yacht, and...when you came back from London."

"Really?" Harry asked, more curious than surprised.

"Yeah," Y/n said with a little sigh as she remembered the night in question. "That was a good night."

It was one of those rare occurrences where Simone was in her own bed and Collette managed to sleep for more than a couple hours. They'd spent the whole night catching up and giggling like idiots and kissing and enjoying the pleasure of being truly alone with each other. Y/n loved those moments with Harry, where everything was just so simple and easy and it was just them having a little fun. They definitely should've been catching up on sleep while they could, but neither of them wanted to, so they stayed up with tired smiles and slurred movements until they heard Collette's cries through the baby monitor.

"It was. We should do that again sometime," Harry said. Taking Y/n's hand, he kissed the tops of her knuckles.

"You just want to go for triplets," Y/n teased, even though she knew that wasn't what he meant.

"I'm not that crazy," he said, but his smile told her he was thinking about the possibility. Maybe just a little. "I'm excited for this."

"Yeah? What do you think? Boys? Girls? A boy and a girl?"

Harry shrugged. "Our track record would suggest girls, but..."

"You never know," Y/n finished for him.

Geneva

"We have some pretty big news to share."

Once a month, the Styles family held a Zoom call with their friends and family who were scattered across the globe. Since lockdown began, there was a lot of adjusting—online school, not being able to go to the park to play, being at home all day. It was a lot for everyone, but Harry and Y/n did their best to make the adjustments smoother. And when they needed a break, they set up the monthly Zoom calls.

They were mostly just to catch up. Once all the children went to sleep, Harry and Y/n stayed up late talking to other adults about everything and nothing, maybe even played a different drinking game or two to round out the night before they went back to being parents. Tonight was a special night, though.

Multiple faces looked at Harry and Y/n expectantly through their computer screen. Both of them were sporting big smiles as Y/n leaned on Harry's side, one of his older sweatshirts covering her body and the almost imperceptible bump that was beginning to show now. Today was the first day she'd begun to show, and Harry nearly lost his mind with excitement. Finding out Y/n was pregnant had been somewhat of a surprise, but when she told him, he was over the moon. He's started to suspect, having recognized some of his wife's symptoms by now, but they'd been waiting for the right time to tell their families and friends, and tonight was the night.

"What's going on, darling?" Anne asked.

Neither Harry nor Y/n could barely contain their excitement, which probably gave away the news before they actually said anything. However, in their own eagerness to share the news, neither of them saw a few people on the call sporting knowing looks.

"We're having a baby!"

Cheers went all around as everyone congratulated the couple. Questions were asked about due dates and how far along they were and what they were going to do about the lockdown situation. Everything was just as Harry had hoped it would be.

And then things took an interesting turn.

"Who won?" Jeff asked.

"Won? What do you mean—"

"If my math is correct, which I'm pretty sure it is, I believe it goes to Gem," Sarah said, looking down at her phone. "She went with three and a half months. Glenne narrowly missed with three. No one had four so it goes to Gemma."

A collective groan went throughout the Zoom, leaving Harry and Y/n very confused.

"Did you place bets on us?" Y/n asked, sounding more astonished than offended.

"When lockdown became permanent, we knew it was a matter of when not if we would be getting the announcement," Jeff explained. "Someone has a physical copy of the pool somewhere."

"And all of you did this? Mum?" Harry said, brows raised higher than Y/n had ever seen them. When Anne nodded sheepishly, Y/n had to stifle a laugh. "So none of you were surprised?"

"I love you, dear, and I'm so so happy for you, but since you were seventeen, anytime you've come to me with big news, it's been about having a baby. For my own sanity, I've just come to expect it."

Harry looked down at Y/n, who was grinning behind her hand. For her husband's sake, her gaze softened as she reached up to kiss his cheek. "I mean, they have a point. Even you guessed it before I told you."

As the shock finally wore off, Harry smiled. He supposed it wasn't the worst thing in the world. So, he and Y/n were predictable, even though they hadn't really been trying this time around. They were in love and had a lot more time together currently. Things were finally back on track for them and their relationship troubles seemed behind them now. They were happy, and as long as his family was happy, some light teasing and bet placing seemed harmless.

He did pin everyone on the screen with a mock glare before moving on, though. "You guys made a whole pool. Really?"

"Yeah. Can you believe Jeff thought it would take eight months for you to get pregnant?"

"It was for the adjustment to lockdown period!"

"Eight months?"

And on and on it went. Harry just smiled and rested his hand over Y/n's belly, thinking about how much it would grow in just a few short weeks.

Natalia

"I want Mommy!"

Harry sighed and pulled his only son into his lap, pushing the curls away from his face and wiping the tears from his cheeks. "I know you do, JuJu."

Harry and the kids were waiting to hear from Y/n's mother, but he hadn't gotten so much as a text. He was anxious, worried that something was wrong, but Julian's crying served as a good distraction for the time being.

Julian continued to cry, still not understanding why he couldn't see his mother when he'd become so used to seeing her everyday. Harry would've been with Y/n had it not been for the little boy's crying, and he made the split-second decision to stay home while Y/n delivered the baby with her mother as support. He'd never missed any of his children's births, but for this, he could stay behind.

"She'll be back soon, bubba, I promise," Harry said, kissing Julian's cheeks and holding him close. "Should we go play with your Lego set? I know you've been excited to build it. Maybe we can build something to show Mummy when she gets home."

Julian shook his head and continued to cry into Harry's neck. Realizing his son was content to be miserable, Harry didn't ask again. He sat with Jules for a while, holding the boy to his chest and running a hand through his hair until his sobs turned into sniffles, and the sniffles into long, slow breaths. He waited a few extra minutes before taking Julian up to his room and setting him on his bed, making sure to place his favorite stuffed animal in his arms before leaving him to sleep off his troubles. As he walked away, Harry sort of wished he could do the same.

Every birth had been different. When Y/n had Simone, it hadn't been extraordinarily long, but it was extraordinarily stressful due to their young age. Collette was a fairly quick birth, perhaps a little too quick, seeing as Y/n barely made it to a hospital bed before the baby started crowning. The twins came early, which was apparently common for twins, but that didn't make it any less surprising to Harry and Y/n, especially because Harry was at the grocery store and Y/n was at the park with Simone and Collette and a nanny who was also there had to call an ambulance. Even still, Geneva's birth was probably the scariest, only because of all the rules and regulations brought on by Covid. Y/n's mother quarantined for two weeks so she could stay at the house while Harry and Y/n went to the hospital, as Y/n could only have one person in the room with her.

And now a year later, they were doing it all over again. Harry had been confident that this birth would go off without a hitch, that everything would be just fine, but the lack of word from his wife or mother-in-law made him nervous.

Later that day, Harry was still waiting. He'd gotten a text from Y/n's mother, which let him know that Y/n still wasn't ready to push but that they were getting close. That was an hour ago, and Harry had to believe that it was all happening now.

And he was missing it.

He knew being here with the rest of his children was important. That they were worried about their mother and probably found Harry's presence comforting. He just wished they could all be there in the waiting room instead of at home and fifteen minutes from the hospital. The not-knowing was killing him, and he was pretty sure his kids could sense it.

"Daddy?"

Harry's eyes flicked to where Collette was standing in the doorway of his bedroom. She was in her pajamas, a shirt and matching pair of bottoms with her favorite cartoon on them. Harry had been pacing around his room, his phone gripped tightly in his hand as he waited for someone to call him, but seeing his second daughter standing there, squinting at the light from his bedside table lamp told him he was up a little later than normal.

"Hi, peanut. What are you doing out of bed?" he asked.

Collette shrugged, her hair catching the light. She wiped at her nose and stepped further into the room until she stood in front of him. "Mommy always braids my hair before I go to sleep."

"She does, doesn't she?" Harry agreed. "She's kind of the best, huh?"

Nodding, Collette turned toward his bed and climbed up on it, looking at him expectantly. Even after having four daughters, Harry wasn't an expert at braiding hair. The girls always went to Y/n before school, and she did each of their braids or ponytails or pigtails happily. Harry always made sure to watch with a keen eye, and practiced on Y/n when she let him. He supposed now it was time to put all his practice to work.

The braiding didn't take long, and Harry didn't do half bad, in his humble opinion. Collette was just going to sleep in it anyway, so he wasn't too bummed by the few loose strands that he'd somehow missed.

He'd finished rather quickly, though Collette didn't slide off the bed to go back to her room. In fact, she nestled under the covers on Y/n's side of the bed, mumbling, "Night Daddy," before falling asleep. Harry didn't really mind. It wasn't the first time one of the kids stayed in his and Y/n's bed, and tonight, he figured he could use some company.

What he wasn't expecting was all of his children to stumble into his room. First it was Maeve, then Jules, then Simone, and finally Harry went to get Geneva, just so it was a proper sleepover. No one fought for space—which was a first. All the kids just found their spot and went back to sleep as if they were in their own rooms. Harry resisted the urge to take a picture so as not to wake anyone up with the flash of his phone's camera.

He hadn't planned on falling asleep. One moment he'd been watching a football game with the volume off, and the next he was blinking his eyes open as the sun began to stream in through the curtains. All of his little ones were still fast asleep, though Harry knew that would change soon. Maeve and Simone woke up early to watch morning cartoons, and Geneva would want her bottle within the hour.

Harry began to shuffle around and prepare for the usual morning routine—brush teeth, ok prepare the bottle, make breakfast for the early risers—when his phone rang. Startled, Harry rushed over to where his phone was plugged in, a huge grin splitting his face when he realized it was a video call from Y/n.

"Hi," Harry whispered, careful not to wake anyone up. "How are you? How's the baby? Is everything—"

"I'm fine, H. Everything's fine. Everything's perfect," Y/n said, a sleepy smile on her face.

Hearing that helped his heart stop racing, but only a little, as excitement flooded his veins. Y/n called him, which could only mean that—

"Wanna meet your daughter?" Y/n said, and even through the phone, Harry could see tears line her eyes.

Harry nodded, too overwhelmed with love and anticipation to form words. Quickly, he found an unoccupied spot on his bed and carefully sat down.

Y/n passed the phone to her mother who angled the phone so that Harry could see the baby, whose face was just barely visible through a pink blanket. He immediately felt tears well in his eyes, his throat going dry as he looked down at his daughter. Even through the phone, he felt every emotion he'd ever experienced when meeting his children for the first time. It was the most unique experience, Harry always thought. He'd seen and done so much, yet he still thought there was nothing like looking down at his newborn baby for the first time.

"Is that baby sister?"

Harry looked behind him to find Julian peering over his shoulder. Jules looked at the sleeping baby curiously, taking in his sister's little nose and tiny fingers and pouted lips. Then, he said, "Is Mommy there too?"

The camera panned up to Y/n, who was smiling and blowing kisses to Julian. "Hi JuJu, my love. I've missed you!"

"Mommy!"

"Mommy?"

"Mommy's home?"

Now everyone was up and crowding around Harry, taking turns talking to Y/n and baby sister, who had yet to be given a name. No one seemed to mind, though. If anything, they were more concerned about when Y/n and the baby would be coming home so they could have a party.

"Soon, my loves. The doctor wants me and the baby to stay one more night to make sure we're healthy. You think you can be good for Daddy?"

There was a chorus of yeses before everyone said their goodbyes, the novelty of a new baby sister wearing off when there were cartoons to be watched downstairs. Harry kept Y/n on the phone while he got Geneva's bottle ready, wanting to stay on the phone as long as possible.

"I know you must be tired," Harry said an hour later. He was in GiGi's nursery and watching her toddle around and play with her toys while talking to his wife.

"I'll hang up soon. I want you to get as much screen time as possible before I go," she said, turning the camera to where the baby was sleeping in the bassinet beside her hospital bed.

"Have you given her a name yet?" he asked.

Y/n shook her head. "I know we decided on one, but I wanted you to be with me when I said it for the first time."

"I love you," Harry said as his heart melted to mush.

"I love you too," Y/n said. She lifted the baby out of the bassinet, cradling her head with the expertise of someone who'd done it for years. Looking at Harry through the phone she said, "You wanna do the honors?"

Laughing out of pure bliss, he nodded. With all the tenderness and care he would've used if he'd been there in person, he said, "Welcome to this crazy, crazy world, Natalia Styles."

[sandyca5tle]

Slime HRT - 24 Months

Well, these past couple months have been hell, with a light at the end of the tunnel that I’ve now reached, but still. Anyway, on with the show…

So, before I get into the really gritty stuff, my jaw and teeth were converted pretty early on, as well as my ear bones. The former were a little funky, but honestly nothing really changed there, since I already don’t need to chew things, losing my teeth was no big deal, and for the latter, there was a small blip in my hearing - for a few minutes - but then it came back, honestly better than before. I wasn’t super worried about the hearing loss, particularly after eyes taste and smell, only how long I'd be deaf for, but fortunately, as I said, it really wasn't a problem. I’m pretty sure that my slime has just replaced my inner ear’s function innately, and since hearing is just interpreted vibrations, and slime is pretty good at vibrating. What was and has been nice is the cat ears I made a few months back can now actually function, which took a little getting used to, but my hearing is super good now, if a little overwhelming at times.

Right, on to the less pleasant parts: Remember how in the last update I said that apparently you know when your brain goes, yeah, that’s true, and it’s ‘cause it’s genuinely the most painful, disorienting, and scary thing I have ever experienced. First of all, unlike a lot of other changes, it kinda just goes all at once - I think it’s a survival thing, the brain/core wouldn’t function while being half transformed, and it’d probably kill you if they tried to. Only issue is that this means that your brain basically dissolves over the course of a few hours, which is excruciating, and the weeks leading up to that absolutely suck as well.

The first thing I noticed was the pain - headaches, some of the worst I’ve ever had (which I know I’ve said a lot over the course of this, but I was fortunate before to have very little issues, and turns out transforming your whole body hurts). I tried to take some painkillers to help, but they don’t seem to work any more - not sure if it’s ‘cause my biology is so different now, or ‘cause my body breaks them down too well, but either way they don’t work, so I had to suffer through the pain.

Either on top of or because of the pain, I've had a general sense of disorientation. It started off as just sometimes getting a little turned around in games and the like, but it progressed to getting lost if I tried to go anywhere (which was compounded by some other stuff too). Frankly it's a good thing in the final days before my brain changed that I hurt too much to go anywhere, else I probably would have ended up somewhere entirely unknown at a really vulnerable stage in my transformation.

I also have had some memory issues while things have worked things out. My memory has never been amazing in the first place, but I started to get very forgetful, forgetting appointments, plans, even eating (I'd usually ‘remember’ when I started idly eating random things I had around, which has meant I've lost a few things, but I don't remember what so I'm keep finding things I need to replace). I’m also pretty sure I lost some older memories too, but it’s really hard to tell if that’s from normal forgetting or forgetting ‘cause my brain was becoming mush, it’s kinda scary not knowing. This is also part of what compounded my disorientation - when telling left from right is getting hard, forgetting where you're even meant to go or have come from only makes things worse. Also, try reforming yourself from a puddle when you barely remember what you were before… definitely had some interesting shapes recently. Honestly, it was terrifying, I actually didn't know if I'd ever be able to remember things again (obviously I can, but I didn't know that at the time, and my memory of that period are sketchy at best)

Of course, the pain I mentioned earlier made it hard to focus on things, but even beyond that my ability to focus seemed to vanish. I have been so easily distracted over the past couple of months. Genuinely a glint of light or something could completely draw my attention from whatever I was doing, and then I'd usually completely forget what I was doing, get distracted by something else and wonder off. I apparently walked off in the middle of so many games and videos and just any activity I was doing. Frankly it's a miracle that I have any notes, or remember enough to actually write this entry, I kinda spent most of this last month piecing together what I do remember and have notes of (the notes are not the most legible, worse than my normal handwriting which is awful anyways (there's a reason I type these updates)). 

On top of all this, I also had nightmares and hallucinations. The former sucked, but honestly asides from waking up in some weird shapes in attempts to either fight or defend myself from whatever was jumping me in the nightmare (assuming it was a monster one) they were over once I woke up. The hallucinations were worse, since they could appear at any time, and oh boy do they seem real. Sometimes they were small things, noises, or a shape in my periphery. Other times they were blurry, intimidating figures in the distance. And of course with my inability to focus on things, these hallucinations would only be another thing to distract my addled brain. The worst though, was waking up from a nightmare, a puddle unable to reform, and the nightmare continuing as a hallucination in the real world. That'd usually shake me up for a day - and annoyingly my memory issues didn't really seem to extend to them. I'm still working out what was real and fake from that time, and it has not been easy, or fun. My ‘brain’ feels like goddamn soup whenever I think about that time. 

On top of everything else, sometimes I'd faint. Sometimes due to pain, other times (particularly towards the end of the transformation) I'd just keel over, only to wake up in a puddle of myself. It was really disconcerting and scary… kinda felt like my brain was just cutting out, and I was a little scared it might not cut back in at some point… and of course that’s one of the things I remember clearly, the fear and worry of that - very clear that the ‘remember bad shit’ survival instinct was and still is functioning, as annoying as that is.

Since I don't particularly want to linger on those thoughts more than I already have, an interesting thing to note is that even through all of this, my actual mental faculties didn't diminish - while I was forgetful and distracted, if I managed to make myself, I found myself just as capable as before. I partially did this to help assure myself I wasn't losing myself, but also because, let's be honest, slimes aren't known for being the brightest bunch, and I've been a little worried this whole time that I'd get dumber or something. The pamphlet I was given didn't really say anything about this happening, but I know from trans hrt that the information your given doesn't always include every possible effect (I know it certainly failed to mention the attention issues during the most recent stage, and the blindness from before) 

But, despite last month being basically the worst month of my life, I have survived, albeit a little scrambled, and I'm slowly putting everything back together. And of course, now, there's nothing human left in me! I'm all slime!!! (It makes me so unbelievably happy to be able to say that now).

Interestingly, unlike everything else, my brain hasn't fully gone, instead I ended up with what I quickly realised is a slime core! For those unfamiliar, slimes can have a core, which is essentially like their brain/major organ inside them, usually looking like a small coloured sphere. While slimes are usually pretty hard to damage permanently, damage done to a slimes core can be very debilitating, like heart, brain, or lung damage for humans and stuff. 

I actually think I had a kind of proto-core before hand, but didn't notice it, and I think it came around about when my digestive system was changed, since I think my core manages matter-to-slime conversion (I'm guessing this ‘cause that's improved since my core has now fully formed). I guess I didn’t spy it before ‘cause it was too small or something?

On that note, my core is/looks like, interestingly, a kind of verdant green gem. It mostly just seems to float inside of my goo, although I can move it around my body wherever I like, but I tend to keep it either right in the middle of my torso, or in the middle of my chest (at least in human form). Both areas have a decent amount of goo protecting my core, and it looks neat to have it there. 

It does actually look really pretty, especially when taken outside of my body (don't worry, it can be taken out of my body, so long as it remains in contact with my goo I'm completely fine), and yeah, just kinda looks like a funky green stone/gem. I am curious as to why it's green, and I'm kinda hoping it's gonna boost the efficiency of my photosynthesis, and that it's green ‘cause of chlorophyll, but I don't honestly know yet, need some nice sunny days to properly test it out. 

I did find out that if my core does become separated from my goo, I can just reform another body from stored goo around the core, leaving the old body to fall (but I can just reabsorb it afterwards to maintain mass). Oh, and before anyone worries that I was being reckless, I made sure to check that I wouldn't die before I tested anything.

On the note of stored goo, it seems like excess goo/matter is stored in the core, like fat in humans. I'm not sure what or if there's a limit or what happens if I try to eat too much, but as far as I've gotten for now, it seems to be fine. I have noticed that I actually seem lighter now, I still seem to weigh about as much as I look like I should (maybe slightly over) and as such it changes if I make myself grow bigger, but not really if I eat things. I'm not entirely sure quite what's going on there, as that seems like some physics defying shit, but it's actually super useful, means I can store as much mass as I'd like and not break the sofa when I sit down. 

So asides from all of those experiences and changes, I've found a couple other things that have sprung up from these changes. Firstly, I've found that my body feels much more coherent, I'm very much now one gelatinous entity, rather than bits of one and bits of another. Movement feels much more fluid now, especially outside of a humanoid form (not that I've gotten worse at being humanoid, just better at everything else) and I honestly find myself kind of hot swapping between slime ball and slime girl as I need/feel like it. Also navigating crowds is super easy now, just kinda slipping and moving between any gaps (I could kinda do this before, but again, now it feels so second nature). On top of this, my multitasking seems to have improved. I still can’t say one thing while writing another, but I've gotten better at physical multitasking; I struggle less coordinating my ‘hands’ when I try playing the piano for example (I still can't play it, but I've got more of the coordination for it). Add in that I can very easily have several limbs/pseudopods/whatever you want to call them at once (which is honestly why I think my multitasking has improved, it's to facilitate control of the numerous structures I can now produce) and it’s become very easy to manage multiple, physical, tasks at once. 

One thing I have noticed myself doing, almost subconsciously (and honestly, this might've started a little before now, but I'll talk about it here, since I've really noticed it now), I'll just adjust my body however I need in the moment. Now, this may sound kind of obvious, but it's a little funky (but mostly neat) to just suddenly grow an extra limb, or pseudopod to hold or grab something quickly, or to just adjust my mass to better balance or manage something. Again, very neat, but a little funky to realise when I didn't consciously think about it. 

Relatedly, shaping has become easier, not sure if that's due to practise, or having a more compatible neurological centre, but I seem to be able to shape myself quicker, and I seem to have gained a better memory for shape too, the latter is definitely due to recent changes, or at least, definitely due to the treatment.

I've  also still been working on my acid control, which feels like it's gotten easier, but again I can't say whether that's from practice or the recent changes, but I can at least somewhat reliably keep an area of my body acid free now for a bit.

Unrelated to the treatment, but I'm actually much shorter now, at least in my humanoid form, clocking in at around 4’4”(slime ball form has remained the same size, at around 30cm tall). I always liked the idea of being really small, and I can now, and it's not like it really offers any disadvantages, since I can just reach tendrils up to grab things from high up (with eyes/vision so I can see what I'm doing), plus it means I have more spare slime to spend on other, more fun things than just being tall. This all being said, the idea of using all my slime to become really big also has its appeals, but it's less practical for day to day life. 

To touch on one final thing, I definitely don't feel human anymore. I'm a slime, through and through, humanity is just a memory. I've mentioned before feeling more and more detached from humanity (if I ever felt truly attached) as this process has gone on, but now that I'm seemingly done, I don't feel human at all. Interestingly, I find this aspect has been remarkably similar to gender transition, with the feeling of being a guy slowly fading away until it seemed alien to think of myself as one, which kinda feels like where I'm at at the moment. I'll likely catch myself still including myself in humanity from time to time for a while, but I can safely say I'm a slime, and I am so happy I can now. So that’s what my life has been for the last couple of months, and while parts sucked - like, really sucked - the end result is so unbelievably worth it. While this feels like the end of slime hrt, I do have an appointment planned with the doc to talk about my next step and hopefully get myself onto shapeshifter hrt, so my next update will probably be about that. See y’all then!

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@calliecwrites, @friedsputnik, @now-entering-the-goop-zone, @scrubbinn, @lilacinthefog

@mint-and-authoress, @losttodreams, @redroversendjayover, @ariathelamia, @kanithedemoncat

[veren-cos]

I just can't do this!

Alex (sdv) x gn!reader

Kinda hurt/comfort but more just the reader getting out frustration. Lots of the reader swearing lmao

Not proofread, approximately 1k?? I really need to get a word count on these..

Today sucked. Today fucking sucked!

Nothing was going right. Oh my Yoba why can't anything go fucking right?! A new season started so all of your crops died, and you miscalculated how much money you would need for new seeds. Then you went mining to try and make up for the money. But you ended up getting beat by a zombie and needing medical attention from Harvey that you couldn't exactly afford.

You lost your best sword. You used up nearly all of your left over berries from the last season and Yoba knows how long it'll be until this season's start growing again.

And that's what you came home like to Alex. You hadn't cleared the old crops so now you were just stomping over and over on a poor old parsnip.

"You uh.. you alright there babe?" Alex walked over to you, kinda laughing at your pathetic attempt at rage, but was genuinely curious.

"No! No I am not fucking alright, Alex! Nothing is fucking going right. The whole town can go to shit for all I care! They won't get my crops anymore! Pierre can go fuck off, claiming my shit as his own. The mayor can piss off and cry to his girlfriend. But oh wait! He can't! because he is too much of a fucking asshole to actually say Marnie is his girlfriend!!"

You stomped more at the dust that was a parsnip. Every attempt got mildly more and more enraged and pathetic. All of the emotion and pent up anger was boiling to the surface but you were so tired from the repeated stomping it had become deranged.

"Okay, whew that was.. a lot(!) of emotion! You need out of here, like now." He went up and grabbed your shoulders. "I know just the place!" He shot you his signature smile before holding your hand and leading you away. You attempted to pull him off of you but couldn't manage to do anything. Today was rough and you were getting tired.

"Here, babe. Drink this. I just opened it before you came home. It's still cold!" He handed you a protein drink.

"Thanks," You spat out. You weren't meaning to be rude to him. But today was just so god awful!!! He knew you didn't mean it though, so he just kept walking.

Eventually, the two of you arrived at the bus. "What are we doing here? It is way to late to go to the desert."

"While we may be going to the desert, we are going somewhere you have never been before!"

You gave him an intense staredown. "And you're sure this is a good idea? It's mid-afternoon. Everything will be closing soon."

"Not everything! C'mon babe, let's go. You'll see." He pushed you forward onto the bus. And Yoba, that drink was awful! How did he drink those everyday..??

By the time you arrived to the desert it was nearly 7. You were still upset, and starting to get annoyed at the fact you didn't know where you were going.

"And here we are!" It was a beat up old building.

"Alex. Dear. What are the fuck we doing at an abandoned building in the middle of the God damn desert?!" It was too late for all this shit.

He stepped up and opened the door to reveal a dingy 24 hour gym. How had you never known this was here????

"It's been a while since I've been. Probably like 2 years? But they have this!" He gestured to a set of boxing gloves and a punching bag. "Perfect to get out frustration!"

"Babe I don't think I need a punching bag I think I need to legit punch someone in the face."

"They have a printer so you can print whoever's face you want and punch it." He pointed over to an old printer in the corner.

Holy shit, they really did! Too bad you didn't have your phone to print anything.

"Babe. Your anger is totally valid, and a lot of the times it leaves you with a lot of energy that you don't know what to do with." He looked around, reminiscing a bit.

"I know when I can here I was still pissed to all hell about my dad. Sometimes even thinking about him still makes me upset. And now, obviously, you can't go around kicking dead parsnips everyday. So here is a thing you can punch all you want! No danger from the mines, and no repercussions if you screw up. Perfect to let out some frustration."

For how beat up the outside looked, the inside was still pretty nice. There was a table of boxing gloves, and a few mats you could hit. Next to the table, there was both a hanging and standing punching bag.

"Now let's see what you've got."

He tossed you a pair of gloves, and picked up a large mat to warm up on your swings.

"This is silly" you kinda laughed the sentence out, but it truly was a silly thing. You knew that it probably would help, but he made it into the grand reveal that was just so silly.

"It may feel stupid, but you will fell better! I found that it helped more if I said out loud what I was angry at before I punch something."

"Okay... let's try" You put on the gloves, and they were a little too big, but that's okay.

"Whenever you're ready." He looked at you up and down. Even pissed as hell you were still hot.

"I hate that my crops die the second a new season starts!"

*bam*

"I hate Pierre for taking credit for my work!"

*bam*

"I hate that Mayor Lewis is a dumb greedy bastard who mistreats Marnie!"

*bam*

"I hate how long to damn community center is taking to build!"

*bam bam*

Your list went on and on. Punch after punch landed into the pad. Alex at first was trying to stifle laughter from how silly your complaints were, but quickly shut up when you started putting force into your hits. He was stumbling from the impact you left, where honestly it turned into a workout for him too.

When you were finally done, you felt great. It didn't solve anything, but all of the pent up energy got realesed in a shocking fun way.

"Babe.." Alex looked at you. "Remind me to never piss you off"

You burst out laughing. "Awh dear, I could never get mad at you." You booped his nose after setting the gloves down. "Is there anything else you'd like to do here? I seriously can't believe you've never taken me here!"

"No. No I'm good. Trying to not fall from you hitting the mat was enough for me." He laughed, and you could genuinely see he was wiped out.

So the two of you went home, and made casual conversation. He tried to get you to drink another protein shake but you strongly declined. Those things are seriously gross.

"Thank you Alex. It was really nice of you to take me there."

"Of course!" And he shot you another one of his signature smiles, just like earlier. The two of you made it a habit to go at least every other week from then on.

Masterlist

[yesbutmakeitgay]

Once Upon A Time I Used To Know A Girl

Chapter 18

Carol Danvers x Reader

Masterlist | This work's masterlist | AO3

Summary: Deep conversation with a hungover Carol Danvers.

Angst, Slow Burn, Amnesia.

Word count: 901

A/N: : @cordeliasdarling quite enjoyed this chapter when betaing it :)

Why Am I The One Falling Apart?

When you wake up again there's still light outside, but probably not for long. You take a shower and put on clean clothes after being in your tux for almost 24 hours.

You go to the kitchen to get an unhealthy snack and find a blonde head buried in its arms on the counter and a half empty sports drink beside her. You dig through the cabinets and find a cereal bar, the head moves making you turn around, "Are you sure you're alive?" you ask.

"No." the head mumbles.

"Did you throw up any more?" The head shakes 'no.' You start second guessing your conversation from last night, "What do you remember?" The irony of your question is not lost in you.

Carol finally lifts her head with her eyes tightly shut, "We got to the party, we were having a great time, all of a sudden you disappeared, I found the bar, had a few drinks, saw Val, started talking to her, next thing I know it's morning and you're in my room, but not in the fun way."

"Why'd you drink so much?"

She opens her eyes into a frown, "What are you, my father?"

"No, he's dead and I’m not."

"Fortunately." She downs the rest of her sports drink.

You sit right in front of her, "Why are you lying to me, Captain?" she squints, "When you woke up this morning you said, 'you're still here,' which means you knew I was there last night."

"I-" she's dumbfounded.

"What are you so afraid of?" You repeat her words back to her. She tries to leave but you stop her, "Uh-uh, I answered your question, now you have to answer mine."

She looks you dead in the eye, "You."

"Me? You kicked my ass twice just last week."

"When I found you after our last mission I realized that I didn't know what I would do if you didn't make it, I couldn't live with losing you like that," she pauses, "instead, I lost you like this. Sometimes I feel like it would have been easier to lose you like that, no offense."

"Non taken, I feel like that too." Your eyes go down to your lap.

"Hey, I’m glad you're alive, I’m glad you're getting better." She places her hand on yours making you lift your head again.

"Am I, though? I meant what I told you, no matter where I go or how long it's been I still feel like I’m missing something. At least before, I knew there was something they weren't telling me, but now, am I gonna be broken forever?"

"You're not broken, I’m sorry I wasn't here before, but I promise you I'm here now, for good." That is the first sincere thing you’ve heard her say since you met her again.

"See, that should make me feel better, but it doesn’t." You get up to leave.

"Come on, don’t go," Carol’s voice is sweet, her gaze alternating between your eyes.

"What’s the point of staying?" you sit back down, "They took you from me, that should make me angry, I should be hurt, but whenever I look at you all I feel is indifference," her heart drops to her stomach, "you know what the worst part is? I don't know if that's the result of what they did to me or if it is because you ran away." Your voice turns into a mere whisper.

"I was scared, I’m so sorry."

"Yeah, you said that when you were drunk."

"I meant it." Her features light up as she raises an eyebrow, "You didn't look so indifferent when I picked you up last night" You’re caught like a deer in headlights.

"That’s not fair, you know everything about me, I didn't even know your name until two weeks ago," you appeal.

"All is fair in love and war," she responds in an arrogant tone.

"This is neither! This is my life that you took away from me." You stop yourself from slamming your fist on the counter.

"You think I've been having a blast this whole time? I cried for weeks, I mourned you."

"I’m not dead!" you scream.

"But you will never be the person you were before. The amount of guilt I have in my heart I don't think I'll ever get rid of." You scoff, "When you couldn't remember me because I was gone, that was one thing, when no one would tell you about me, but now I’m here, you've seen me, we've talked, we've trained together and you still don't remember."

"That was the whole point, they took you from me to hurt you." It’s the first time you truly internalize what happened to you, you weren’t even the target of the aggression, yet, you’re the one suffering all its consequences.

After a moment of contemplating your words Carol speaks again, "I have this device that helps recover lost memories," she leaves out the part where it is usually employed for torture, "if you want I could lend you one, see if it helps."

"No, thank you," you’re quick to answer.

"Well, if you change your mind-"

"I won’t," you interrupt, "my recovery has been tampered with since day one, I want to feel like I’m in control." Carol knows exactly how that feels. The kindness behind her gesture hits a soft spot in your chest.

Chapter 19

👀👀

Tags: @graniairish @carols-photonblast @thelittleliars @unicorniusfallapatorius @prplepeony @eringranola

Let me know if you wanna be tagged :)

[starnightlover]

Hi. Sorry, I just really feel like complaining. Obviously you can ignore this, I just have nowhere else to word vomit lol. I've been trying to shift since 2019. I've gotten into the void state for like 20 seconds but got too freaked out/excited and lost stability before I could manifest or shift anywhere. I feel like I'm going crazy. I've done the whole thing of pasting sticky notes with affirmations all over my apartment, had meditated for an hour or more a day for weeks at a time, listened to subliminals 24/7 and obvious tried all the classic methods like the raven method, julia method, etc, etc. I've had multiple lucid dreams where I tried to make portals and I've even had a lucid dream (or I guess I shifted) where I saw a "centre" for shifting with a bunch of islands and floating petals that we used as transportation between islands. I got a whole tour by some guide and he showed me other lives I'm currently living. That was like a year ago, and I haven't manifested anything significant or went anywhere since then. I'm going through a really tough time right now. I wouldn't have gone on like this if I didn't believe in it, but I'm just feeling really beaten down. I'm exhausted and frustrated.

Hi lovely, I'm so sorry you feel this way.

It’s understandable. But remember all the lucid dreams you’ve had and the void states that you’ve been in. They’re a reflection of your ability for shifting. You’ve been incredibly close before, and your subconscious mind is capable of doing so. You can take a break if you want, because shifting requires a healthy amount of persistence. Just remember that no matter how long of a break you have, you’ve come really far already. The void state is one step away from shifting. And don’t forget your lucid dream, where you basically saw your ability to change realities. Don’t take my word for granted. Just think about it. You can do it, you do have the abilities, all you have to do is keep going. You can take a small break if you want to rest, but don’t let yourself lose all your progress. Stay determined, stay motivated, don’t lose your abilities. You can do this!!

You’ve come so far, and you’ve been in the final stages. Don’t think about how it’s been years without a single shift. It’s been years where you’ve learned techniques, you’ve learned about yourself, you’ve honed in your shifting abilities. Just because you haven’t shifted in years doesn’t mean you’ve made no progress. This is just the next step in your shifting journey. Go forward. Take that step. Shift like nothing’s stopping you. You’re so close. You’ve had enough time to think about it. You’ve been here, wanting to get to your desired reality for all this time. You haven’t given up on it yet. You’ve kept coming back hoping, trying, dreaming, wanting to shift to the reality you want and finally be with your hard work! Why would you stop now? You owe it to yourself to keep trying. Don’t give up, because it has always been your dream to shift.

Your determination, drive, motivation, and dedication to shifting is so praiseworthy. It's been years since you started this journey, and you haven't given up! You've persisted for this long and you've gotten close so many times, it's almost impossible for you to not have enough abilities to shift realities. Remember all the things you've seen and experienced while trying to shift realities, all the things you've gone through and the efforts of hard work that you've put into shifting realities. Don't give up now. You just have to keep going. You can do it, I believe in you!

Keep going. Don’t stop now.

I mean, just think about it: you possess this incredible power within you to shape your own existence. You're not just a passive observer in the grand theater of life; you're the playwright, the director, and the star actor all rolled into one.

You see, the universe is like this vast, infinite canvas, and you? You're the artist putting forth the brush. Every thought, every belief, every intention you hold is like a stroke on that canvas.

Now, here's the kicker: you have the ability to shift to any reality you choose. It's not some distant, unattainable dream—it's within your awareness right here, right now. Reality-shifting isn't this Herculean task reserved for a select few; it's as easy as changing your mind.

You are the god of your reality, lovely!!! You have the power to shift!!! It's not about waiting for the stars to align or some external force to swoop in and save the day. It's about realizing that the power you seek has been within you all along. So, embrace it. Own it. Know that you are the creator of your own destiny. And when doubts creep in or challenges arise, remember this: you are god, and reality-shifting is as easy as flipping the script. You've got this. After all, you are god.

And remember! You don't actually need specific methods to shift realities; it's about tapping into your innate power as a being that is pure consiousnious not attached to any body, mind, or reality! . Every moment, you're making choices that shift you to a different reality, and reality-shifting to your DR is just as easy! It's just bevomi b aware of it. While methods and techniques can be helpful tools, they're just that—tools! The real magic happens when you tap into your own inner wisdom and intuition, trusting yourself to allow the process to unfold organically. Embrace your innate creativity and intuition, and watch as your reality begins to shift in ways you never thought possible.

Now just remember my love, to keep on visualizing, keep on affirming, and most importantly keep persisting!!!! . And, be gentle with yourself along the way. Shifting may not happen overnight, but each step you take brings you closer to your DR. So hold onto hope, and know that your breakthrough is just around the corner.

[vashtijoy]

On 7/11, there's a morning conversation with Akechi where he compares the rate of shutdowns to the rate of changes of heart. So, about one shutdown a month over the two years, give or take? Doesn't account for the rampage fatalities at all, though, aaand he could've very well been lying or downplaying it, but it still seems relevant to the discussion.

Yess, this one:

Anon, I have stared at this so many times trying to find a way it could be true. Unfortunately, that's not all Akechi says:

Akechi 思えば、怪盗団騒ぎと、精神暴走事件⋯始まった時期も、広まるペースも、よく似てる。 omoeba, kaitou-dan sawagi to, seishin bousou jiken... hajimatta jiki mo, hiromaru peisu mo, yoku niteru Now that I think about it, their actions mirror the mental shutdown cases, with the rate of victims. Now that I think about it, the uproar with the Phantom Thieves, and the psychotic breakdown incidents... the time they started and the rate they spread at are quite similar.

Firstly, Akechi is talking about psychotic breakdowns, not mental shutdowns here—seishin bousou jiken, not haijinka jiken. These are easy to confuse in-universe, but even in-character, Akechi knows the difference; note that he also says "people change suddenly and cause strange accidents or horrible crimes"—not a mental shutdown at all.

Secondly, he's not just talking about the "rate of victims"—he's saying the time the events started, as well as the rate they grew at, are similar.

Now, we know the psychotic breakdown cases didn't start in May—we open in April on the subway accident, but the scary accidents have been going on for a long while—"since last year", someone says at one point. And a psychotic breakdown is the first thing Akechi does for Shido, two years before canon ever begins; Sae tells us the start of the incidents corresponds not with the rise of the Phantom Thieves, but with the death of Wakaba Isshiki—two years earlier.

As for the rate of spread? Well... coming back to that list of incidents in the background, there are eight of them on that list alone. That's as many palaces as the Phantom Thieves ever do. And we're still only in July, so the PTs are batting three for ... quite a few more than eight. Or perhaps we're supposed to count Mementos? But none of the Mementos cases ever make the news, or have a public impact. Mementos, effectively, doesn't seem to affect the wider world.

tl;dr: unless I've missed something really major, Akechi is talking shit here. What's actually happened is that, the previous day on 7/10, our friend the SIU Director. who has several of Akechi's puppet strings in his hand, has had a little talk with Shido:

Note that this guy does say "mental shutdowns"—haijinka no ken. It would be too easy if Akechi echoed him exactly, after all. But that evening, just hours later, Akechi is already on TV putting the new party line:

And the next morning, when he meets the leader of the Phantom Thieves at the train station, and casually mentions that the psychotic breakdowns and the business with the PTs just happened to start around the same time, and spread at the same rate? He's still implementing those orders he was given on 7/10.

(Seriously, pay attention to how often an SIU phone call is followed up by Akechi putting the plan into action. It's not just pancakes, y'know.)

But what is Akechi thinking, when he tells Joker this? Fucked if I know. Is he just fucking with his head, trying to make him feel exposed in the runup to the Medjed plot? Because that's starting in a week.

Is it an actual contradiction in the game? Because it would be the first I've found—usually when people say "this is a contradiction", my conclusion is "this is not a contradiction".

... is he telling him the plan? Because that's not outside his MO—he has that whole thing on 7/24 where he meets up with the PTs and tells them, essentially, "wow, all of you sure fit the profile, and yes, I am investigating you". In-character, Akechi has a tendency to stab people in the front, while keeping the real knives in reserve for when he's not in-character.

This is one of the conversations I come back to over and over, staring at it to see what I missed, or haven't figured out, or haven't read right. Or what's blinding me. Something is going on with that line, and I don't know what it is.

[crazylittlejester]

DAILY BRAINROT

I got jump scared by a pedestrian on my way to get groceries because I was thinking about this, and I don't have a good excuse because I am also a pedestrian.

Adding a "half out of control ADHD" disclaimer on this one.

I have been seized by the brainrot, and it is holding me hostage until I finish writing out Legend and Wild meeting for the first time in the vigilante AU, and that's why the next chapter of poor Hyrule's fic hasn't been touched today.

Legend gets to be happy in this AU because I think he's earned it. He's been around for like... basically forever, so he gets to have all the friends he wants. I am aggressively improving his quality of life here. I went to the effort of finding him a sandwich recipe (and honestly might try it myself because it looks tasty).

Back to the point, which is that I was thinking about what powers everyone would have in this AU when I was going to get groceries. It's a very tough question, and the fact that my area of expertise in high school was Marvel is not helping because there are too many options to pick from. So I only managed to work out the abilities for two of the boys so far, which is half the reason why I'm making Wild and Legend play nice with each other today.

Long story short, I decided Wild should actually get a copy-and-paste ability AND I HAVE A GOOD REASON, OK. I love love love the idea that the Shrine of Resurrection's Sheikah Juice stuff is actually liquid information and since I can, I figured why not just replace his blood with it or something?? It's fanfiction I can do what I want. So now Wild has blue Shrine Juice blood and is sort of partly like a computer I guess, which means he has the ability to copy "files" and store them in his "system memory." Which... actually kind of explains the amnesia, I guess. Had to delete a few "files" (memories) to make space for the new "files" (abilities/powers). Obviously I've got to put a limit on him otherwise he'd be WAY TOO POWERFUL, so I'm thinking that each "file" either has a cool-down period of 1x every 24 hours or he has to pick 1 power to use for each 24-hour period. This explains how the Champions' gifts and the abilities from TotK work, and it makes me feel Very Smart.

Legend is actually pretty boring in comparison. I didn't really want to have to pick between his numerous items, so I gave him a very basic enhancement ability with an emphasis on speed and agility in the legs so he can run around on top of buildings and do parkour. His power isn't anything special, it's how he uses it that's actually interesting because he's had to make up for being Very Vanilla. It DOES let him keep up with most people, though, with few exceptions. And I like this because I think it kind of does reflect on how he's not really a special person by himself and that his being interesting comes from his experience and knowledge and inventory. He's the guy who's been everywhere, done everything, and knows everyone, and that's where a surprisingly large amount of his flavor comes from.

I have a rough idea for Sky, but I'm not completely sold on anything for him, yet (because of the whole deal with Demise and all). I'm extremely tempted to make him think he's a normal guy when he just uses his Terrifying Prophetic Abilities in his sleep. Like, he thinks he probably sleepwalks so he tells Twilight and Warriors when he moves in and the first week goes okay, but then for the second week he is walking in his sleep and doing Crazy Shit while spitting out Creepy Prophecies about stuff. It's concerning, and they're trying to figure out how to tell Sky to go to therapy because he is An Absolute Ray of Sunshine during the day. (Maybe he just has remlit powers?)

Legend gets to be happy in this AU because I think he's earned it <- OBSESSED WITH THIS.

COPY AND PASTE ABILITY. I LOVE IT.

REMLIT POWERS ALSKDKDKD

dude oh my GOD i fucking love all your au’s so much, the insane amount of detail you put in em???? I eat it up every goddamn time. thank you for bestowing upon me your brainrot every day 🙏

[lumpyrock]

36 Questions to fall in love (well, maybe more than that) Chapter 6

(Last time I had someone DM me searching for the rest of it, so here's the AO3 link. Consider dropping a kudos!)

“What did you just say?” They must have been silent for at least a minute before that. Neither was even sure the other was breathing.

“I-- you--”

“I know what you said, why?”

“Because I like you?”

Luigi clutched his chest. “No, that's not true, it can't be.” He stood.

“It is, I've just been hiding it.”

“How long have you been hiding it, though? Have I become the new Peach? Am I just a replacement?!” Luigi backed away.

“It's not like that, I feel like I can talk to you more than I ever did her!”

“Oh, but it is like that! You don't like me for me, you like me cause I'm new!” He reached his foot back and took another step.

“But--”

“Save it! I didn't even want to come back here! I can't believe I wanted to spend time with you!” Another step back.

“Please, I don't want you to be her!”

“Then why--!” Luigi stepped off the desk. Bowser grabbed his waist before he could hit the ground.

“Don't die!” Bowser said, panic shaken.

Luigi looked to the stone floor, only a foot below him. He looked back up at Bowser. “I wasn't trying to.”

“I didn't say don't try to, I said don't!”

“Okay then, I won't!”

Bowser pulled him back up onto the desk, though he didn’t let go of Luigi’s waist yet. “Promise you won’t fall off the desk again?”

“Promise.” 

Bowser let go of his waist, sighing. “It’s not like that. I know you and her are different, and I like you in different ways,” he explained. “And I’m keeping my promise! I’m not going to kidnap you, any more than I already have.”

“I can’t leave though, can I?” Luigi asked.

Bowser paused. “That depends. Do you want to leave?” Bowser silently prayed it wasn’t the case.

Luigi's face flushed. He looked away. “Guess what I wanted the bag for?”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“I was going to escape with my bag, but I didn't want you to suspect me so I decided to continue on with the questions.”

“How were you going to escape? Either my guards or I would've found you.” Bowser asked, suppressing a laugh.

“Well…” Luigi paused, gears turning in his head. “I didn't think that far into the plan.”

Bowser laughed into his hand. He was too tired for this. “Don’t worry, if I caught you, I’d just ask you the same questions I already did.”

Luigi smiled, though it wasn't as genuine as some of his others had been. “You say that, but I have a feeling we'd have another breaking-in-through-my-window moment.”

“What can I say? I've been really bad at keeping promises.”

“It's fine, I mean, I wanted to be all independent and stuff, but I guess I can wait for Mario.”

“You were the one who wanted to come with me!”

“Yeah, but, I was tired, not thinking straight aside from, ‘huh, big guy suddenly wants to leave after wanting to stay forever? Well, might as well go with him!’”

“That seems an awful lot like wanting to come with me. You did cling to me like there was no tomorrow.”

“Yeah, to get you to stop! You're too strong, you would've shaken me off!”

“I think you like me back.” Bowser raised his eyebrows. He quickly remembered that Luigi almost fell to his death about the whole liking him thing. “Don't say anything. I know that was weird.”

Luigi nodded. “Yeah, it was.”

“I guess I'm tired as well. I haven't slept since 8, maybe, yesterday.”

“Oh poor you, it's not like you were kidnapped twice in the span of 24 hours!”

“You got to just be carried around, guess who was doing all the carrying?” 

“Guess who was thrashing around?”

“You slept the whole way here!”

“Not the first time!”

“Over 10 hours ago! I need sleep, and you are still a prisoner, by technicality.”

♡☆♡☆♡

Luigi walked next to Bowser as wind started to pick up outside the castle. It was a short walk to Bowser’s bedroom. Guess you don’t want to walk 10 minutes to get to where you spend a lot of your time. Bowser opened his door, gesturing for Luigi to enter. Luigi quickly did.

The room was nice, not royal nice, but still nice. There was a balcony where the red of the early morning sun could be seen, though it was mostly covered by clouds. Of course the bed was huge, and had the same sort of canopy that Luigi’s had. 

Bowser walked over to the balcony, opening the doors. “It’ll be nice to get some fresh air,” He explained. He walked back over to the plumber and stood over him, as if expecting something. Finally, Bowser sat on the floor, gesturing towards the bed. "Go ahead."

"What?! No. You are literal royalty, you go ahead!"

"I sleep in that bed every night, you go ahead."

"The floor is fine, really, you have a nice rug..." Luigi said, sitting down as well.

"You are the guest here, sleep in the bed!"

"You are the king here, you sleep in the bed!"

"I don't want special treatment!"

"Neither do I!"

Bowser sighed. "Well you're not going to sleep next to me, so one of us has to go up on the bed."

Luigi laid on the floor. "I'm not going up there."

"Well I think we've made it pretty clear that I'm not going up either!"

"I'm already comfortable."

Bowser frowned. He thought for a moment, before laying down as well. "Fine then. Be that way."

"See if I care." Luigi turned away. He didn't close his eyes yet, no, he didn't trust Bowser that much. Before even five minutes of him staring at the wall was over, he could hear a soft rumbling behind him. He rolled over, seeing Bowser curled up in a ball. 

As Bowser's chest would fall, the rumble would become more prominent. There was that little part of him, very little, that wanted to curl up next to him. Bowser wasn't being a mean tyrant, he was just sleeping. He almost looked...  cute.

Holy crap, Luigi had Stockholm.

After a lifetime of fighting and more fighting, he was falling hard and fast. Maybe this had been going on for a while, and he just didn't realize. Whatever the reason, he was here now and for the foreseeable future. He rolled onto his back, covering his eyes. Maybe if he just stared into the abyss, he'd forget about these questions, and he'd forget about Bowser.

Maybe, he wouldn't get his heart broken if he locked it away. Maybe if he made it through the night, he'd never have to see Bowser's face again. He opened his eyes, staring up at the ceiling. Tears welled up in his eyes, remembering every time Bowser had wrecked his life. Every time he was pulled further from the life he had dreamed of.

Tears fell silently to the floor as lightning flashed outside. Thunder followed a second later. Mario would hate him, Peach would hate him, the entire Mushroom Kingdom would hate him! Tomorrow he'd leave, tomorrow everyone would hate him, tomorrow he wouldn't be crying, but tonight he had one person who cared. 

He wiped the tears from his eyes, trying to control his breathing. He just wanted to be home, he wanted everything to go back to normal. A warm hand was placed over his. He looked over to Bowser with bloodshot eyes. Bowser looked back with the softest expression possible.

Luigi nudged closer to him. Not a word was spoken. Bowser wrapped his arms around Luigi. Their breathing was in cink as they both drifted off to sleep.

[aching-tummies]

Follow-up to 'Too Full to Sleep'

Follow-up to 'Too Full To Sleep'.

Shockingly, there was never any gas or gurgles as a result of the Ramen eaten on Saturday night. I really should make note of where those noodles came from/branding 'cuz I've never felt quite as packed full for so long as I did after eating those noodles. They were a new brand or whatever that someone in the household really wanted to try.

So…all this started on Saturday night. I woke up still feeling stuffed and I worked another 8-9 hour shift (so out on my feet for 10-11 hours of the day) and honestly really didn't feel up to eating much of anything for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. 24 hours after eating it and I my guts were still working on it. I have half a mind to believe someone must have replaced the noodles with some indigestible compound or whatever 'cuz that staying-power is something I don't think I've experienced in the absence of true indigestion. My stomach wasn't rebelling or whatever--no angry grumbles or sickly squelches or general feeling of upset/ill--I just felt stuffed to the gills for a very, very, very long time.

It's Tuesday now and I actually started feeling some minor hunger pangs for the first time around the afternoon today. Granted, I've been nibbling at food at regular intervals since Saturday to keep up the daily grind. Like, I nibbled on two or three bites of my packed lunch at work to avoid raising suspicions as well as to avoid potential awkward hunger making itself known while I was still on-shift. I picked at half a chocolate muffin for breakfast on Sunday. Chanced a breakfast sandwich for Monday's breakfast, went out to dinner with a friend Monday evening, and this morning I realize that it's only this morning that I started to feel little shy growls of hunger in my gut. Nothing ravenous or anything. Felt more like my stomach was testing the waters…seeing if the glut from Saturday had well and truly left the building enough to allow it to start asking for more food.

I don't know how that whole ordeal ranks in terms of kink. Like, on the one hand, being full for longer without the ill effects--awesome. But all I experienced was sheer fullness. No growls, no gurgles, no sudden uncomfortable shifting in my guts, no gas--at all, even when I tried swallowing air to see if it might give me a gurgle or two to indulge in or help move things along.

[jcbbby]

could you write something where the reader is going through it mentally with stress and anxiety and ed related shit to the point where it’s like effecting her physical health and jamie is trying to help her through it sorry if it’s oddly specific i was recently in the ER for a CT scan and it ended up being a stress induced headache and just wish i had someone to just comfort me 😭

oh, my poor friend!!! I'm so sorry you've been going through all that as of late. :( I'm glad the ER visit ended up being nothing serious, but as someone also recently in the ER for a CT scan...still not fun either way. and I've also HELLA been there, having anxiety and an ED affect my physical health. I'm sending you all the love I have in my heart, I'm here for you if you want to talk to anyone, and I hope you find some comfort in this lil fic. <3

warnings: mention of needles, hospital visit, mental illness.

-

You heard the front door close from across the silent house. Jamie must be back from his meeting this morning with his manager. You weren't sure how long he'd been gone, having been half conscious trying to sleep through this throbbing headache you had for the last...however long it had been. It started last night after a long day of errands and you went to bed without dinner, something you knew was probably bad to do but a sad part of you took a sadistic pride in that. Jamie kissed you goodbye when he left this morning, and low and behold, he came to kiss you hello in the same spot he left you earlier.

"Hi, darling." He spoke softly as he came through the doorway. "How are you feeling?"

You groaned slightly as you stirred, pushing yourself upright with your hands, resting your back against the pillows. You sighed, rubbing an eye.

"I'm just tired..."

You weren't lying exactly. Tired was the only word you could think of to describe how you had been feeling. The past few weeks had been very busy and stressful with Jamie's schedule. You were a person of routine; you needed to eat at specific times, the food you ate was carefully curated, you had a set routine for morning and night. The uncertainty of the day's timeline had wreaked havoc on your mental state. Jamie knew you had struggled with some mental issues, but you never let on the extent of it around him as best as you could. This time, however, it really overwhelmed you.

Jamie frowned as he walked toward you and gently sat on the bed. "Love, you've been in bed for almost 24 hours and you're still tired?"

"Well, and my head still hurts. It's just all at the back of my head...it's just throbbing." You screwed your eyes shut, bringing your hands up to rest at the base of your neck.

"Really? Have you taken any tablets to help?" He reached up to feel your forehead for any temperature. "You don't feel feverish at least."

You nodded your head lightly and then shrugged. "Didn't help."

"Do you think maybe we should get you into the ER? Just to be sure you're okay, since the medicine isn't helping and it's lasted this long?" He reached out taking your hand gingerly.

"No...no, I don't want to bother them if it's nothing." You shuffled yourself deeper down into the bed, as if getting comfier would convince Jamie you were fine.

"Darling, their whole job is to be bothered by people even if it is nothing. They're there to make sure it's nothing. Please, I just want to make sure you're alright, love." He squeezed your hand that he was still holding.

You sighed, squeezing Jamie's hand back. You didn't want to go to the ER. You didn't want to be a burden, not to Jamie or anyone at the hospital. Hospitals always freaked you out, too. The worst news of someone's life could be given in a hospital, and it always made you uneasy to be in one.

"Okay...okay, we can go." You looked up to him, eyes downturned in defeat.

Jamie gave a small smile as he got up and came around to help you out of bed. You felt weak and cold as you left the cocoon of the comforter. Black spots filled your vision as you stood up for the first time in hours, causing you to grab Jamie's shoulder for support.

"Stooduptoofast." You said through a scrunched face.

Without a word, you felt Jamie's arms scoop around your back and behind your knees, lifting you bridal style up into his chest.

"I'll do all the work then." He smiled before planting a gentle kiss to your forehead.

-

You sat in the ER waiting room for a couple hours, since you didn't appear to be in dire need of attention. Jamie held your hand as you used his shoulder as a pillow. He stroked the back of your hand with his thumb, bringing you a much needed sense of ease.

Jamie wouldn't let go of your hand the entire time you were back in a room to be seen by the doctor. He held it as the doctor and nurses conducted tests and asked you questions. He squeezed it and rubbed your back with his other hand as the nurse inserted an IV port to give you fluids, as per the doctor's orders. You flinched and looked away as you felt the sting of the needle in your wrist.

"You're doing great, darling." He whispered as the nurse walked out.

"What if I have a tumor or something? What if I'm having an aneurism?" You couldn't help but start to feel the slight panic set in while lying in the hospital bed.

Jamie came and sat along side you on the small rickety bed. "Oh, no, no of course you don't have any of those horrible things! We're just here to make you feel better, and you will in no time." He brought a hand up to tuck your hair behind your ear.

You leaned your head against his hand. You were so grateful for Jamie, he always knew how to make you feel better. He smiled and cupped your cheek.

"Hello! Oh, so sorry to interrupt." The doctor said from the doorway as you both looked over to him. "I just wanted to pop in to let you know that your work ups look pretty good. A little low on potassium, blood sugar is also very low, which might be why you're feeling a little weak and tired. But otherwise nothing of major concern. Your head looks okay, CT scan is normal. I would probably say a combination of stress and you're a likely dehydrated, which the fluids should remedy. Once you're finished with that bag there, I think I would be comfortable discharging you." He smiled.

"Sounds great, thank you." You smiled at the doctor.

"Wonderful, thank you so much." Jamie also smiled to him.

"Thank god..." You chuckled.

"See, you're alright and on your way to feeling better. I love you, darling." He kissed your cheek.

"I love you too."

-

Once the bag of fluids had finished, the nurses removed the needle and supplied you with discharge papers. The doctor was right, with the fluids, your head did start to feel a lot better.

Jamie took you home and you headed straight back to bed without a word. He followed you into the bedroom, leaning against the doorway as you climbed under the covers again.

"Do you want me to get you anything? I can make you something to eat." He looked to you, watching you settle in.

"No, I'm okay. Thank you though." You paused in your settling, looking over to Jamie. You knew he was right and that you should have something, but you didn't want to eat.

He let out a quiet sigh, slowly coming toward you and climbing into bed with you. He took you in his arms, looking to you with eyes, pleading.

"Sweetheart...please, let me make you something to eat. It's been over 24 hours since you last had something. It will help, I promise." He kissed your temple.

You turned to him, about to protest, but the look in his eyes hit you directly in the gut. He looked at you as if you were a fragile heirloom he had discovered in the dusty attic. He just wanted to take care of you, he wanted to see you shine again.

"Okay...you're probably right, babe. Thank you for taking care of me." You smiled meekly up at him.

He pulled you into him even tighter, wrapping you in a hug. He held you for a moment before pulling you back and holding you at arm's length. He caressed your shoulder with his thumb.

"Listen...I know things are tough for you right now...I know. But I also know that you are so strong. And even when you're not, I'm here to hold your hand and help you see it through, alright?" He smiled.

The tears immediately filled your eyes. Almost as if the love you felt for this man before you was spilling out through your eyes. You found your hands coming up to either side of his cheeks, pulling him forward to meet at your lips.

You pulled away, sniffling your tears away. "I do know that. You're always there for me. Thank you."

"You can thank me by eating the pasta I'm about to make you." He brought his hand up to playfully boop your nose. "Then we're even."

[wandafiction]

Realisations - Just Us Chapter 71

Warnings: Angst, Hurt, Talks Of Abusive Relationship, Talks of Trauma

Word Count: 4328

Series List | Chapter 70 | Chapter 72

================================

(Wanda PoV)

I look at my phone screen at the last message Y/n sent this morning, curled up on the bed as my own mind attacks itself as I think over the past 24 hours. I could hardly sleep last night, the bed felt so empty and I didn't have her warmth to keep me warm. It was cold, more so than normal. 

My eyes aimlessly wander around the bedroom, it's very plain and minimalist which is a little odd as a lot of the house is decorated. I also can't see any pictures of Sarah or Evie like I had expected to, especially in Y/n's bedroom. Then it hits me.

I sit up in bed and take a proper look around, I'm not in Y/n's room. I'm in a guest bedroom. That night me and the  boys stayed last week, me and her slept in this room. Why would we sleep in the guest bedroom? The answer lingers in the back of my mind but the dark thoughts of my wandering mind snuff it out quickly.

She has had so much going on this past month and a half, from her panic attacks to Vision and Steph, then how the news of her being a widow came out. My heart drops at a thought that has been lingering in the back of my mind since I found out about Sarah.

Is she ready for a committed relationship? 

A committed relationship where there are two teenage boys involved? 

She's told me she loves me and them, but what about what I did yesterday. What if what I did causes her to tip over the edge and she pulls away. What if she comes back today to break up with me? It wasn't just a petty fight. I said things that I can't possibly take back even if I tried my hardest too. I hurt her so deeply she wouldn't even let me hold her when we got home. 

I don't know what changed. She was so snuggly when we were in the aquarium after we talked, we were both ready to finally be completely open with one another. Me more than I ever have in my entire life. I want to be able to give her what she wants, I want to be the person she sees me as and not who I've always known myself to be.

I can't lose her. 

But, if she needs space and time to be able to sort her mental health out. Do something for her own sake, instead of putting everyone else first. If she needs help finding the light at the end of what I can only imagine is a very dark tunnel. If she needs my help everyday, but cannot allow herself to be helped. If she wants me to take a step back, stop being so overbearing and clingy. 

Then I will give her all the space and time she needs. I will show her how badly she can treat herself by showing her that she deserves to be number 1 for once. I will carry the flashlight and help guide her through it. I will be there to support her even when she pushes me away. Then I can take a step back, allow her to get back on her feet. I can slow down, enjoy the moments I have with her and take great care of what life has given me. 

My two beautiful boys.

And her. 

But I broke her and I don't know if she will want me anymore. God my mind was all over the place yesterday, well the whole week. Why couldn't I have just talked to her, broken my resolve of having to push my feelings away. She wants to know what I'm feeling, she wants to help me fight through whatever I go through. Yet I just can't seem to let her break down the walls that I have spent so long building, no one but Pietro knew how and he is laying in a hospital bed with tubes and wires everywhere. 

She called me Wanda yesterday. It broke me, but it broke me more knowing that I was the cause of my own hurt. 

Pietro would have called me out on my shit my by, telling me everything I needed to hear and not what I wanted to be told. He never minced his words telling me straight to my face with no fear of hurting me, because in the end he was always right. I unlock my phone, taking one last look at mine and Y/n's last message where we said 'I love you'. I go into my contacts and call the only person I know that can help. 

Nat: Hey sis! Why aren't you at work? Are you sick? 

Me: Uh, no I'm not sick. 

I think she can hear the tremble in my voice as I try not to cry.

Nat: What happened?

Me: We had a fight.

Nat: Is she home with you now?

Me: No, she left last night. She said she has to do something. I don't know where she is.

Nat: She left you after you had a fight! Like left you to sleep in the bed alone and went home?

Me: It's okay Nat I…..

Nat: No it's not okay. She left you after you had a fight, without resolving the issue. She left you alone Wanda. I'm not standing for it.

Me: Nat it's my fault.

Nat: I don't care who's fault it was, you don't leave the person you love after a fight.

Me: Nat stop! She….I…it was all my fault and I won't be surprised if she doesn't come back.

Nat: Don't say that Wanda. She will come back to you. What happened?

Me: A lot. Too much to say over the phone.

Nat: Where are you?

Me: At Y/n's house. Why? 

Nat: I will be there as soon as I can.

Me: Nat I can't ask you to leave work.

Nat: You're not asking and it isn't up for debate. Send me the address and I will be there.

Me: Okay. I really screwed up Nat. 

My voice barely above a whisper but I know Nat heard it because she lets out a small breath before speaking.

Nat: We all screw up Wanda.

Me: I don't know how to fix it.

Nat: We will figure it out together. Now send me the address I will see you soon. 

Me: See you soon. Love you sis. 

Nat: I love you too sis.

As we hang up, I choke out a sob. I don't want her to pity me and take my side like she did on the phone. She may be my best friend, more like a sister, but I can't have her pitying me. I need her to call me out on my shit, tell me what I should do. 

Then there's Y/n who I am worrying about, she hasn't texted me since this morning and it's scaring me. I don't know if she's safe, I don't know that she is okay, I don't even know where she is. However, I can't bombarded her with calls and messages because that's wrong, and she needs the space.

I can't lose her.

What if I'm too late and she is already gone?

I shake the thoughts out of my mind, but they remain lingering at the back like a slow torment. A storm is brewing in the deepest parts of my mind and I don't know how to protect myself from it.

To stop myself from falling into the rabbit hole of what ifs I pull myself out of bed. The same bed I had woken up in this morning alone, before taking the boys to school. The same bed that just doesn't feel safe and comforting without her next to me.

I shuffle along the carpeted floor to the small wardrobe in the room hoping there is something of Y/n's in there. To my relief there is a hoodie of hers in there, the only reason I know it's hers is because it smells like her. I don't wait another minute before putting it on, pulling the strings in the hood tightly so it tightens against my face. I put my sweatpants on then I put some fuzzy socks on. I bury my hands in the big open pocket at the front of the hoodie before making my way downstairs.

I start to make myself a cup of tea, not really fancying anything with high levels of caffeine in it. As the kettle starts to boil the water, I am pulled away from my tea making preparations by the doorbell. I look at the time on my phone, only 30 minutes has passed since the phone call with Nat. Wow she must have rushed here.

I make my way out of the kitchen to the front door, looking through the peephole to make sure it is actually Natasha. I sigh as I lean my forehead against the door, she looks worried. And take a deep breath before opening the door giving her a small smile.

"Hey." I pull the door open further, sliding out of the way to allow Nat in. Once the door closes she pulls me into a hug, leaning up to whisper in my ear.

"You're okay." I know it was her trying to be reassuring and it really didn't help, I buried my head into her neck as I shake my head.

"No, no I'm not. Neither is she. I fucked up Nat. So fucking badly. I don't know how to fix it." 

"Let's make a drink and we can talk." I nod into her neck, letting go of my hold on her smiling when her hands move to wipe my tears. 

"The kettles should be done. What are you drinking?" I usher Nat to follow me into the kitchen, her eyes bulging when she sees how big it is.

"I will take a tea please." She spins a full circle on her heels to take the whole room in. "It's a beautiful place you've got yourself here."

"Uhm, it's not ours. We aren't living together. This is her place. Her and Sarah's place." 

"Well that's something." I hum not really hearing Nat's words but once they register I hand her her now made tea with a questioning look.

"I just mean, you must mean a lot to her if she trusts you enough to show you this place. It's a constant reminder of the life she had planned, yet she has let you in. Let you see it for what it is. It's intimate really, with it being so personal and special to her."

"I sleep in the guest bedroom." Nat raises an eyebrow at me, I'm not quite sure what look she is giving me is.

"What did you sleep in the guest bedroom last night?"

"And last week." 

"Did she sleep with you though? Last week I mean." 

"Yeah." 

"Well I would do the same." 

"Do the same? What do you mean?" I lean against the counter opposite Nat who is sitting at one of the island's many chairs. 

"So I've said that she trusts you enough to show her into their home. Correct?" 

"Yes." 

"But she won't let you sleep in the master bedroom. Correct?" 

"Also yes. Nat what are you trying to get at?"

"She's not ready." 

"Not ready for what?" 

"Come know Wanda. I can't tell you all the answers, this is something you need to figure out. I'm just here to push you in the right direction." She takes a sip of her drink before sighing and looking up with sad eyes. 

"She has let you into her home. Her and Sarah's home. Meaning at one point or the other her and Sarah lived here. Planned to have a family here together." 

"Yes I know that."

"Wanda your being stupid. Really think about it. Who would have slept in the master bedroom." My heart drops through my ass.

"Her and Sarah." My voice barely a whisper. This is not why I asked Nat to come over, but I'm starting to see some things about me that I'm not liking.

"Exactly. Her and Sarah. Her and her wife. She isn't ready to have someone else in that bed. Let alone someone who I think she feels is replacing Sarah."

"I don't want to replace Sarah. I could never be Sarah." 

"Have you told her that?"

"I've told her she can talk about Sarah and Evie whenever she wants, that I'm always there for her." 

"Wanda you're not getting it." 

"Well you are not making any sense!" I slam my hand against the counter, frustrated more at myself for not being able to see what's right in front of me.

"Have you told her that you know you could never replace Sarah? That you don't want to replace Sarah! Have you asked her how she feels about you being in their home?" 

"No." I look down into my cup and my half drunk tea as I bite at my lip. 

"Wanda I know that you struggle with feelings. I know you struggle to have those big conversations. I know you struggle with what to say sometimes not wanting to hurt yourself, or anyone else in the process. But Y/n is different. She has been through so much in such a short amount of time. Her life went from one hell to another and another over and over again." 

I bite my lip trying to get the tears to stop falling as I listen to Nat. 

"She may not admit it Wanda, and maybe you just don't want to see it. But she is so much more broken then any of you would like to admit to the other. It's not just about the panic attacks, the PTSD or the dead wife Wanda. It's about everything that happened before, during and after that. She may say she is fine, but Wanda, she is struggling so much." 

"How could I not see it?"

"Because she didn't want you to, and you wanted to avoid having to talk. Really talk. You have both gone through your fair share of trauma, her more so than you but it does not invalidate that you went through shit to. Your shit has affected you in ways that cause you to build wall after wall that get harder to break down each time. Your trauma Wanda, is something that is holding you back from who you want to be when you're with her." 

"I don't want us to end."

"Then don't let it. She doesn't want it to end either I'm sure of it. You both have very different ways of dealing with things. But you need to put everything on the table, you need to make the first move. You may trust each other but until you both talk about how you move forward. Well then there is no safety net around you, trust without safety is like bungee jumping with a bit of string and hoping that it doesn't snap. You have to be ready to sacrifice a few of your walls, allow her to knock them down for you to be mentally in the right place to be in a relationship."

"You don't think I'm ready for something new? Nat we have been together nearly two months, we have said we love you to one another."

"Did you mean it when you said it? Or was it an in the moment thing that you let slip?" 

"Of course I mean it. I mean it every time I say it. I want her to know how much I love her everyday." I don't hesitate to argue back.

"Good because if she loves you the way I think she does, it would break her to know you don't mean your words. Saying that, if your love matches hers then you will be able to get through this. Together. You need each other to help you through. You need to look after each while also looking after yourself. Have you been to therapy recently?" 

"No, not for a few months."

"Well that's where you need to start. You need to speak to someone who is impartial to the situation, help them untangle the mess of wires in your brain that have been tangled for so long. You can't rely on just one person to do that for you. Y/n isn't a trained professional, she struggles to get her own brain to switch off let alone switch it off long enough to help switch yours off." 

"She always seemed so at ease and she talks to me so easily. I don't know why I can't do the same."

"She wears a mask Wanda, her smiles are fake, her laughter is not filled with joy as it should be." I bow my head realising now just how much I don't see. "But when she is with you it is all genuine. Wanda you are good for her just as she is good for you. Fight for her, but don't push her."

"Why can't I just open up. Talk to her. It would have made everything so much easier on the both of us."

"Wanda, she may wear a mask, hide how she is feeling. But you have built so many walls in the years of being with Vision that I think you don't even know how to start breaking them down yourself. That's why you need to go back to therapy, you need to be able to regain control of your mind before you commit yourself to helping Y/n. And she needs to do the same. And as for speaking with Y/n, start with small things. It doesn't have to be anything big. Her aim and my aim, our priority is making sure you are comfortable with who you are in your own skin. So start with the small things. Talk about how Vision always got you to do things you didn't want to do using the 'your my wife' card. Or how you are scared of bees yet they fascinate you so much you grow flowers just to see them pollinate." 

"Start with the small things?" 

"Exactly."

"How am I meant to start with the small things when we have so much to talk about today?" 

"Wanda, what did you actually say to her yesterday?" I stay quiet, shaking my head, fiddling with my rings. "Wanda."

"Yeah?"

"What exactly did you say to Y/n that caused her to spend the night elsewhere?" 

"I said she didn't know what it was like to be a mother." 

"Wanda." My stomach drops when I hear and see the disappointment on Nat's face.

"I know okay. It was a disgusting thing to say. And I can't take it back because I've said it now."

"Why did you say it?" Nat's tone is scarily calm, it's making me uncomfortable.

"I don't know."

"Well you must have some sort of idea otherwise you wouldn't have said it." 

"I said I don't know, okay! I have no fucking clue! I have never even thought those words would ever leave my lips, I have never even thought about them. So I don't know why I would!" 

"Well I don't know how to help you with this one if you want even admit it to yourself."

"Admit what?"

"I don't know because you won't tell me."

"Because I don't know myself Natasha! It's all so fucked up in here that I can't possibly think for long enough to try and get to the bottom of it."

"Well you need to figure it out because the excuse 'I don't know' doesn't fly with me and I'm pretty sure it won't fly with Y/n either. She has been nothing but kind, caring and welcoming to you and those boys, and you have practically chucked it in her face. You forgot about her past Wanda. It may have been for a split second, but you forgot and you said those words. I don't know how you will fix this if you can't admit to yourself why you said it. It's unforgivable Wanda."

"I know that. She hasn't forgiven me, in fact I don't want her to forgive me. I don't forgive me." 

"You don't want her to forgive you. Or is that you don't want to have to open up so it's easier to let her hold this against you then letting her break down your walls." 

"I…"

"Let me guess. I don't know." 

"Look, it's difficult for me, okay! Vision was never there. My parents moved away as soon as me and Pietro started our lives at university. Pietro is currently in a fucking coma, and Vision wasn't there for me! He never was! He never cared for me, he never looked after me when I was sick, never took me on dates! He never loved me the way I loved him, I was just a housewife in his eyes! So I stopped caring too! I built up my walls then reinforced them because I had no one! No one! Then I get into this new thing with the most amazingly talented and funny girl I've ever met and he thinks he has a say in my life! He told me he would take the boys away from me if I stayed in such a sinful relationship, he threatened not only me and Y/n. He threatened his own sons! He told me he would take me to court to get them taken away from me, pleading the fact that having two women bring up boys is not right and is not stable for them because they will grow up to be feminine! I...he...he planted the seed." 

I finally come to the realisation. 

I take in a sharp breath taking a step back as I crumble to the cold tiled floor, sliding myself down the counter. I pull my knees to my chest as I breakdown in front of Nat, my sobs echoing around the room as I try to control them to no avail. I hear the stool screech against the floor before seeing Nat join me on the floor as she wraps her arms around my body pulling me against her chest. 

"I've got you. You're okay Wanda, I have you." I grip onto her shirt, my knuckles turning white with the force. "That's what you have to explain to her, okay."

"Hmm?"

"Tell her what you just told me. She will understand Wanda, I know you're scared of allowing yourself to open up. But your relationship will burn to the ground if you're not open and honest with her about these things. So tell her what you just told me, okay?" 

"Okay." I mumble into her shirt as I try to slow down my breathing. 

"Now I'm mad at you for hurting her, I'm mad at her for leaving you last night but I think we both understand why. But I am livid at Vision, he is still causing you harm even after two years apart. You need to find a way to regain control of your life, don't let his words play on your mind for so long. You need to break down those walls you've built but build a protective barrier to protect yourself from Vision. He is a manipulative fucker who, if he steps out of line one more time, is going to have to deal with an angry Russian." 

"I need to talk to Y/n."

"You do. Where is she right now?" I shrug. "You don't know?"

"No. She still hasn't texted me. I'm worried Nat, what if something happened." 

"I'm sure she is fine Wanda."

"How can you know?"

"Because I have seen how much she loves you and love like that you don't let go. She will always find her way back to you."

"Thank you Nat."

"What for?"

"Being the voice of reason and actually calling me out for my shit. No one has done it since Pietro, so I always just shrugged it off and pretended like it didn't exist." 

"I will always call you out on your shit for however long you need me to. I am friends with both you and Y/n, you are a sister to me Wanda. I don't want either of you to get hurt, so if it means having a go at you or her then I will do so happily. Just don't bombarded her when she comes in, I think it's a tough day for her."

"What do you mean?" 

"Uh, nothing." She tries to brush it off by standing up and preparing to make a new set of drinks, but I'm quick to my feet as I look at her.

"No Nat, what do you know that I don't?" She huffs out a breath and bows her head.

"Do you remember the first time me and the girls met Y/n?"

"Of course I do."

"Do you remember me saying I recognised her from somewhere?" 

"Yeah she suggested that it was where she would visit Stark Tower but you said it was something else."

"Well I know where I've seen her before."

"Where?"

"It was an article back in 2017. It was titled. Sarah Stark marries a mystery woman. And there was a paparazzi photo of a brunette in a wedding dress leaving a venue with her arm wrapped through Y/n's arm." 

"Okay, why is that important?" I ask, highly confused about where this is going.

"Because the date of the wedding was the 18th of October 2017."

"What's the date today?" My bottom lip quivering when, not wanting to believe I hurt her at the worst possible I could have ever possibly done.

"It's the 18th."

"It's their anniversary?"

================================

[starry-blue-echoes]

so guess who Actually Managed To Finish Another Snippet :D

I've been Pondering exactly how the arrival to Air Supplena in Joseph's part of Star Swap would go for a while now, and it's kinda funny because going into planning for this one my initial idea was "Joseph Being Way Too Chill About Terrifying Things." However, then I realised that 1) with how I set up the time left, this was going to be in Joseph's last 24 hours of presumed life and 2) he's been repressing hard this whole time and I think he deserves a chance to actually express it all :)

so without further ado, here's 2.3k words of Joseph Having A Fucking Breakdown Breakdown

-----------

“I’ve used Moody to check the whole island. No one’s been here for weeks.” Abbacchio glared, arms crossed. “So spill, Jojo. If this is where you’re supposed to meet someone, where are they?”

He……

He didn’t have an answer for that.

For whatever reason, no one was here, and they hadn't been here for a while.

There weren’t any Hamon Users.

Sure it had been nearly a century but……

Surely they would’ve taught more people.

They couldn’t- Surely he and Caesar hadn’t been Coach’s last students.

Coach was dedicated and Caesar was stubborn, and the two of them had basically dedicated their entire lives to the art. Sure, given how long it’s been Lisa Lisa could be…… but Caesar had also mentioned Hamon could extend life spans! Surely he would’ve been able to make it to his 80s. They wouldn't just up and abandon Air Supplena without a really good reason-

But then from a small, dark corner of his mind he’d been trying to keep quiet ever since he woke up here, a thought reared its head.

……

Un…… unless……

Unless they didn’t have a choice in the matter.

Up until now he’d been assuming Giorno had swapped places with him but……

But he didn’t know for certain.

What if he didn’t.

What if the body of Joseph Joestar remained uninhabited.

What if the day of the fight came and he wasn’t there for the Pillarmen to battle.

What if they-

Oh.

Oh god-

They couldn’t- No, no, they were- Caesar and Coach were stronger than he was, plus they had Messina and Loggins as back up, they wouldn’t be stupid enough to fight them one on one-

But Joseph didn’t know.

“Jojo?” distantly he heard someone call out to him but their voice was insignificant to everything running through his head.

They were-

They-

They-

“FUCK!”

Abbacchio let out a curse as he scrambled back, just barely managing to avoid the small explosion of rubble as Joseph slammed his fist into the wall. Beneath the cacophony from the newly made (and rather sizable) dent in the wall Joseph could hear the snap of broken bone and wet sound of split skin, could see the blood staining the stone where his hand had connected, but he didn’t even have time to feel the pain before the Hamon sewed his wounds back shut.

“This- This is just PERFECT.” Joseph hissed, his still slightly bloodied hand combing through his hair and tugging at his scalp.

His last chance, his last hope, not only was it gone but so was everyone else, they were gone and it was probably his fault, he didn’t know what was happening, the Pillarmen weren’t here but they might’ve been, they clearly knew the location of the island and there was all the damage he’d seen down by the training rings that couldn’t have been possible for a Hamon User to cause-

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Bucciarati beginning to step toward him.

“Jojo, whatever’s wrong, I’m sure we can think of something to-” Bucciarati began, but the rage the grief flooding Joseph’s veins was too scalding, too bubbling, too consuming to even entertain the idea of listening.

Because hearing Bucciarati say those words, hearing offers of a solution, that suddenly made everything real, it wasn’t in his head, something was wrong wrong wrong it wasn’t supposed to be this way-

Deep down, Joseph felt something inside him, something that had been growing strained ever since the rings were placed deep inside of him, break.

“WHAT, BUCCIARATI?!?” He shouted, whipping around. “WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY DO?!?! YOU CAN'T FIX EVERY PROBLEM AND GUESS WHAT, THIS IS ONE OF THEM!!!!!”

The man flinched back, eyes wide and obviously shocked by the outburst. He blinked as if he’d never seen Joseph before, and something Joseph could only describe as recognition settled behind the man’s eyes.

“Hey-!” Mista stepped forward with a slight glare on his face, no doubt in defense of Bucciarati, but Joseph just barreled through whatever he was going to say.

“MY TEACHERS ARE DEAD,”

He’d never gotten along with them but he could respect them, they were just doing their jobs, just trying to keep him alive even though it was now going to be useless in the end

“MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD,”

Caesar, Smokey, Suzie, he hadn’t known them for very long but he’d never felt so much comfort around another person near his age before, never had to watch his words or act prim and proper, he could just be himself and now they were gone gone gone

“MY FAMILY IS DEAD,”

Oh god he wasn’t going to be able to say goodbye to Granny or Uncle Speedwagon was he. He was going to die without ever getting a chance to say “I love you” and “thank you for raising me” and “I’m sorry for causing so much trouble and worrying you” and

“I’M GOING TO BE DEAD IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS,”

He was going to die he was going to die he was going to die he was going to die he was going to die he was

“AND IT'S ALL! MY! FAULT!” 

His shout was punctuated by a crackcrackcrack beneath him, spiderwebs opening up in the stone beneath his feet.

Bucciarati held his hand out to stop Mista and looked at Joseph with a confused frown on his face. “What do you-”

“I was supposed to BE HERE!” Joseph continued, beginning to pace. Hamon crackled and popped off of his skin, hungry for some enemy to attack but finding nothing but the open air around him and the hard stone beneath his feet. “I’m the one they took interest in, I’m the one they made a deal with, I’M the one they wanted to kill, so if I wasn’t here when they arrived for our fight, who KNOWS what they did-”

“Jojo, stop.” Bucciarati interrupted. “Who wants to kill you?”

A manic laugh tore itself out of his throat. “It’s not like it fucking matters any more-”

“Jojo.” Bucciarati said, his voice was firm, firm like when he was giving orders, firm like when they were on the boat fighting Zucchero, firm like Granny’s. “Who-”

But then Bucciarati made a mistake.

He tried grabbing his shoulder.

It was for barely a second, maybe not even that long. 

But it was enough.

The man let out a cry of pain, hand recoiling as though he’d been burned he had, he had, he’d hurt him, he hurt the man who’d shown him so much care, so much kindness, this was how he was repaying him. 

Joseph should’ve cared.

Joseph should’ve cared that he accidentally hurt someone, should’ve cared about the way the others bristled with shouts of alarm and Stand Energy hovering above their skin, should’ve cared that he had so little control that something little as a shoulder touch set him into fight or flight.

But drowning in his spiral of grief and rage and terror it was barely a blip on his radar.

“What could I POSSIBLY tell you that could make things right?!?” he shouted instead.

He was weak weak weak he hadn’t been strong enough before, wasn’t strong enough now-

“Do you want to know about the fact I was weak?” he continued, and if glares were enough to kill he wouldn't have been surprised if Bucciarati dropped dead right then and there. “Want to know I was a fucking IDIOT who didn’t realize how out of my depth I was?!? That in the end the best I could do was lead them away before they dealt the finishing blow to my friend and Uncle?!?”

It had hurt, it had hurt, it had hurt so badly to leave them behind but it was for their own good he was luring him away they’d have a chance to run, to flee, to get to safety

“Do you want to know how 33 days ago, I made a stupid agreement to save my own skin?!? How they sealed the deal with fucking poisonous rings they shoved into my heart and throat that would only come off if I beat them in a fight?!??” His voice should’ve been hoarse but the rush of Hamon through his veins still ran strong, flooding and filling every inch of him to the brim, yet it still couldn’t warm the cold phantom weight in his chest. “How I trained and trained and trained for week after week with a death sentence hanging over my head?!?! How if I didn’t fight I would die, how if I did fight and wasn’t good enough I’d die anyways?!?!?!”

The stone under his feet cracked again, this time much larger and much louder. The only thing that kept him up was the Hamon beneath his feet suspending him in the air, just like he practiced in the destroyed dead gone practice fields.

“How it was all WORTHLESS in the end?!?!?” His eyes hurt, his eyes were burning like twin suns in his face. “How I woke up in the middle of fucking Naples with no idea how I got there and a ticking clock for my death?!?! I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE, BUCCIARATI, AND BECAUSE I WASN’T EVERYONE MIGHT BE DEAD AND NOW I-!” 

But his traitorous voice broke and shattered before he could continue, cracking like glass into nothingness.

But he was scared, he was so scared, so scared to die, he didn’t want to die, please he didn’t want to die-

His eyes burned and it finally hit him just how wet his cheeks were.

How uneasy and broken his breathing had become, bad enough he was now standing at the bottom of the cracked hole he’d inadvertently made.

“……I can’t do anything,” he whispered, and despite the change in volume it felt so much louder than anything he’d said before. His chest wouldn’t obey his commands, shuddering up and down with only a fraction of the air he took in staying inside before it was forced out. “This….. this was my last hope. But they’re all gone and I…… I can’t do anything to stop it.”

I’m going to die and I’m going to be helpless to stop it.

The silence was crushing him.

It was big and heavy and loud god how could silence be so loud it was supposed to be the opposite but here it was filling his ears filling his head, it hurt the quiet hurt someone say something please please please don’t let it be quiet quiet quiet like the empty halls that might as well be filled with the ghosts of the dead-

He turned to the others, desperate to find something there, some kind of confirmation that they weren’t gone too-

And Abbacchio looked like he’d been struck by lighting and Mista’s eyes were so wide they looked about ready to roll out of his head and Fugo looked ready to join him in smashing the floor and Narancia looked ready to cry with big shiny eyes and Trish was crying with silent rivers running down her cheeks and-

And Bucciarati was looking at him with a face so blank that was impossible he wasn’t using it to hide something

And the emotion filled haze in his mind cleared, the world snapping back into painful clarity like that, and suddenly everything Joseph had just said hit him in an instant.

Shit.

Shit.

“I shouldn’t have said all that.” He said to no one in particular, eyes wide and a new spike of terror clawing its way up his throat.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, of course they would react this way, they think he’s just some 15 year old and not a time traveling body snatcher, oh god oh fuck he’d just shouted at Bucciarati, the man just wanted to help and he got angry at him, he fucking shocked him-

“H-Hey it-“ his voice cracked again, the smile plastered on his face felt so fake it was almost painful and no matter what he did he couldn’t get the tears to stop. “It’s not all bad. At least I- I’ll be able to meet everyone soon!”

His words were painful to hear to his own ears and so very obviously the wrong thing to say yet nothing else came to mind to fix it. The grin on his face felt almost manic as he forced it to stay straight, but it still wobbled at the corners and his lips threatened to let loose a scream. His hands were shaking and no matter how much he willed them they wouldn’t stop-

Bucciarati started walking toward him.

“B-Bucciarati,” he stuttered out. “Hey, I-I’m sorry I didn’t mean to yell, I shouldn’t have hurt you, you just wanted to help, I-”

Warm arms wrapped around him.

Joseph’s breath hitched.

He was an adult. He was 18 years old. Giorno’s body and all the jabs Caesar made about his immaturity be damned, he was supposed to act like it.

But right in this moment, gently held in Bucciarati’s arms with his head tucked under the man’s chin, he couldn’t help but remember all those times Granny and Uncle Speedwagon would do the same when he was younger.

How long had it been since he was small enough to be held like this? Since he’d been small enough for his whole body to be enveloped in the warmth of another person, completely shielded away from the harsh world all around them.

“I’m so sorry, Jojo.”

It was four words. Four simple words barely spoken above a whisper and meant for no ears except for his own.

And yet, they held the weight of the world itself.

His knees buckled and shook under the weight until they gave out, all but collapsing in Bucciarati’s arms, the sound he made more reminiscent of an injured animal than a person. 

But the man’s arms held firm, easily supporting his weight and tucking him closer into his warmth.

He was going to die.

He was going to die and there was nothing he could do about it.

“……Bucciarati?” 

The whisper felt like it was scraping his throat raw as more tears dropped down his face. The warmth from Bucciarati’s body wasn’t enough to stop the cold, cold, cold weight wrapped around his heart. 

“I’m scared.”

[kariachi]

Okay, looking at the history of Alan's page on the wiki, look into age shit. Going to try to keep my "I was literally there" commentary to myself.

~~

First mention of his age comes on April 28 2010, claiming it was stated by McDuffie but with nothing backing the claim.

It then back and forths a bit between his age being listed as 10, being listed as in his teens, or not listed at all based essentially on 'you don't have proof he's that young' 'you don't have proof he's not' and presumably 'guys he's like an inch shorter than Ben and built like a teen' it seems, eventually being left on 'he's 10'.

On January 2 2011 McDuffie is asked if the wiki is accurate as far as Alan's age and answers with "No, he's 11". This claim isn't added to the wiki, it seems nobody was citing any sources at the time.

On January 15 2011 the wiki is altered to show Alan as being 14 in AF, though the same page also lists him as 11.

January 16 2011 sees the 11 removed and replaced with fifteen.

An January 20 2011 the page is again altered to list him as 10 in AF and remove the mention of his age from the main body of the page.

On June 20 2011 somebody alters the wiki to state that he's 12 during AF, again with no citation.

This is changed back on June 24 2011.

On October 8 2011 the page is again changed to state that Alan is 14 in AF.

The page stays this way, including through multiple edits by the seeming originator of the 'Alan is 10' concept, until July 6 2014, when his age is removed entirely from the page.

The next time we see his age listed is after a long stint of the page being partially broken, on November 23 2014, listing him as 14 in AF.

His age is then removed again on January 18 2015.

And it stays like that until February 13 2019, when his age in AF is listed as 10 again, this time at least with a damn citation. The first, by the way, up until that day nobody was citing shit.

And that's how shit remains to this day.

~~

Now, doing this for 2 reasons. One- to back up my claims that 'he's 10' is inaccurate, there's a reason it was changed in the first place after that first comment from McDuffie ended up staying up nearly three years. And these weren't inactive years either, there were plenty of people going in and editing shit. Two- to give me a time to start looking to see if I can find where McDuffie clarified his age- somewhere between Jan 2 and Jan 15, probably closer to the latter.

Probably I won't be able to find it, it's been ages since the forum was taken down, and surely if it hadn't been lost to time somebody would have tracked it down by now, but I have to try. It just, burns at me so damn much, I have to make as strong an attempt as I can.

So, here I am off to search...

~~

And back several hours later with nothing to show for my trawling of archives, and I did fucking trawl. I've got 80 tons of shellfish and not a sign of this damn post because there's a massive chunk gone between the thread page fuckers managed to find and the next one I could get my mitts on.

Also the fucking site this thread page can be found on. It has like 70-odd pages from the old McDuffie site saved, all of them random single pages. How did this happen? Who set this up? The Internet Archive has shit in small batches, but this shit is just individual pages with whole chunks unaccounted for between them. Fucking weird. If nothing else these fuckers need to get in touch with each other and share what they've got.

~~

In the end though, I think this is if nothing else a solid reminder to archive shit. And to cite your goddamn sources when you're editing a wiki! Seriously, how the fuck did it take over twenty years to get a single citation on Alan's page? If people had been doing that from the start we would have had far fewer problems because we could just go 'this is what was said'! But no, now we're here, with me having to submit to the fact everybody is going to take a sarcastic remark as gospel despite contradictory evidence on the fucking screen until all knowledge of this fandom fizzles away!

Sorry, sorry, was trying to stay off that soapbox.

But, as important if not more so than the citations on wikis thing is still, back shit up people. Archive crap if you can. The Internet Archive has a Firefox extension, you can literally set it to automatically archive pages you go to. Because if this whole situation brings anything into the spotlight, it should be the fact that it's real easy for information to be lost to time. One man died, and because so much wasn't backed up, hundreds of pages, we've lost entire huge chunks of WoG and worldbuilding that now exists only in the heads of the people who were there to read it.

'The internet is forever' only holds true if we put in the effort, because otherwise everything from fandom crap to news articles to instruction manuals can vanish in a poof of lost funds and lost attention. If we wanna know shit later, we've got to store it now.