#it's more uncomfortable to me to be like no being a gay teenager is inherently problematic actually he can't be gay but he can be...

[minakoaiinos]

Animating this season like you can't have the slightest bit of jest and god forbid jesting about yaoi

[cogaytes]

i know it's not directed at me, but my conversation starter is that i personally find fandom as a place for anyone and everyone. i think my genuine confusion for the discourse is that the age limit to use ao3 is 13, and that most of these works in question are properly tagged as well. (if they aren't then that's an entirely different conversation.)

oh and also that teenagers have sex?

if you don't wanna see it that's never a huge problem! of course you should stay within your comfort zone and avoid things that make you feel uncomfortable (especially if you're on the younger age of the spectrum of minors on these websites!)

but arguing that smut shouldn't exist is something i've never truly understood. Sexuality is something that people (yes that includes young people) can and should explore if they want to. Writing and consuming it in fandom is a way for many older teenagers and young adults to do that in a safe and healthy way.

Especially when it is those things like rape and non-con stuff--shouldn't we be relieved that instead of causing harm to others, people are just using their creativity to write about it?

Tumblr has always been the Gay People Site™, and to me and my expression of both my gender and sexuality, sex is a huge part of that. People have sex! Teenagers have sex! Some people even like to read and write about it!

Unfortunately for a lot of people, their self expression is not socially accepted as the norm, and they can--and may already have--faced disgust and discrimination for their private interests. Sites like Archive of our Own and Tumblr were made for the freedom of self expression and exploring personal interests in an anonymous way, especially those that may be considered taboo.

Will you find me reading incest fics? Probably not, that's not my cup of tea. But I won't complain either, because I know that it may be that for the author and some other people. As long as a fic is properly tagged, I personally do not have issue with content as long as it does not cause mental or physical harm to other (real world) people.

These are fictional characters, and I truly believe that censoring authors and artists just because what they're creating is considered problematic or even just openly disobeys what is widely accepted as the norm is silly and reductive of what we've been fighting for for decades. Humans are sexual beings with sexual minds, and in our modern age we use our thoughts to write whatever we feel like. Sometimes that happens to be sex!

It may be uncomfortable, and may not be for you, but the existence of fanfiction as a whole can open up more understanding for people who are looking for connection, not just connection that you yourself deem "acceptable."

Sex is not something that's impure nor dirty, it is inherently human. It's personal and intimate, but it is not wrong.

this ask is mostly applied to what i've found in kotlc as a fandom, but my inbox is open anytime if you (or anyone who may read this) wants me to expand more on fandom spaces as a whole. i have more thoughts on real world people and a lot of other topics, but i tried to keep it to just what applied to keeper. (trying not to write an entire essay in yours haha.)

i'm aware that i may have a more lenient view on this than most as well, so i'd love to hear your thoughts <3

yeah no i agree basically with all of this! it's something i've been really grappling with over the last few years (especially recently as a ship i really find uncomfortable has become big in some of my circles of mutuals, which has been interesting to see how i thought about it when it was first a thing 3ish years ago and how my reactions have changed now). i think as i grew up i just stopped almost. caring about what other people make? like i just. filter shit out on ao3 and on tumblr and scroll past shit i don't want to see. i unfollow or block if it really becomes an issue.

but personally i just really don't like the idea of any art being given a moral value, even when it portrays topics we really don't want to think about or might feel uncomfortable with. like, my parents wouldn't let me read the hunger games until i was a certain age because the mass child death etc were just so fucking horrifying that they didn't want me exposed to it. and even reading it as an adult i'm like. okay. holy fuck. but that doesn't mean it's immoral or gross or disgusting just because it portrays fucked up things as fiction. and it definitely doesn't say anything about the author that she wrote it.

you don't have to read smut if you're not comfortable with it! you're allowed to be made uncomfortable by sex! but as long as it's properly warned for so you can avoid it, that doesn't mean it shouldn't be allowed to exist.

[expfcultragreen]

Tldr: i have always been aware that i am awful in the ways in which i am awful

...but i can always choose to be more honest about it and i have done a lot of drugs and gotten a lot of brain damage since i was a cptsd-cyborg growing up in the pnw. I think i turned out ok its just fucked up how slowly that was allowed to happen and i resent how low-info the world i grew up in was. Viva the new enlightenment. This is the dawning of the age of awoke w/ us. Highvibe nation whatwhat, etc. Speaking of highschool, the alty kids who were too cool for everyone were all in an amnesty international club together that like some well-leftoid [i flatter myself to say this applies to me, too, finally] to-the-manner-born [i wish] anarkiddie had started years earlier or whatever. I didnt know what the fuck amnesty international was and i never looked it up because i was like "candle with barbed wire around it, arm bands, gotcha. Maybe i'll ~care about Stuff in ~college but for now i unabashedly care only about new episodes of sex and the city and rereading anne rice novels. Oh and buffy!" (Is the uncomfortably stark whiteness of that shit still telegraphic like it was to the amnesty international club kids? Because the most culturally enriching media in my life in hs was antm which started at the end--and the fact that i was a massive weeb. These were the limits of my horizons at the time. Hilarious. What a way to be.) Point being, they were what we would today call woke, because now white people know that word and have distorted it into an intended insult, but at the time there wasnt anything pithy to call them derisively for being cooler than i was so to deflect/project my own insecurities about being utterly clueless and objectively uncool (insecurities i had because i could approximately grasp that these things were entirely true, even without the necessary context to have done better or to truly have known my insecurities werent just residual social anxiety from being all puberty-riddled like i constantly massaged into my brain as a cope; also i percieved the cooler kids i alienated by being all zomboidal as being snobbish and overly cynical, and there were only like a dozen of them anyway in a school of 1000+ students whose good graces and high opinions i didnt covet), i called them the fashion club, like from daria. As if to suggest that they were all mindlessly hopping on some highbrow trend of "advanced" leftism (i was a teenage ndp campaigner, i thought the amnesty club kids were "doing too much," to have a focus beyond party politics in highschool) their champagne swilling glitterati parents had tuned them in to, yet from my pov most of them had the pretention of basically drafting themselves as child soliders or some shit in these overseas conflicts they actually knew and inherently cared about. I didnt even know who Che Guevara was, starting hs with these kids. They were actually drafting themselves as child soliders, in the culture war. They did all dress very chic, they had matured frames of reference and shoplifting chops. Mild affiliation/cross-pollination with the slightly nicer and way dorkier theatre kids via the Openly Gay Kid contingent. Naturally i never counted as Openly Gay because i was "bi" and they didnt care who i was dating plus "everyone's bi" so i didnt get any latent solidarity points for being out in hs, which seemed arbitrary at the time because their whole universe seemed to be a matrix of solidarity points, and the gold star jr gays were like there on a ticket of Being The Gay Accessory......but aaaactually, i had obviously managed to say and do a bunch of heinously braindead awkward-kid-with-fash-parents-but-the-kid-doesnt-even-get-that-yet-beyond-the-level-of-personal-grievance-with-their-restrictiveness type stuff and they had all written me off as pointless. Fair play to them, i had so much catching up to do. I think mostly theyre yuppies now. Except for the ones who got really into the 60s and no one ever saw them again, fade out

[comfortable-floof]

I wonder if the fact that I kind of, withhold happiness from myself in so many aspects in life even to the point of the little things like the fact that I prefer he/they to she/her, that it bleeds into transphobia and general hatred in the way I see other people because,

I do actually notice I get irrationally annoyed when people correct me on the pronoun usage when referring to other people, in the "If I have to deal with this shit one mistake shouldn't warrant this kind of bitching, urgh." and... I really fucking hate that??? Like that initial thought is so nasty and unkind and, I don't want that to be me. I don't want to let my experiences of bigotry from other people shape me into a nasty person. I'm scared that it will. this is me being uncomfortably honest with myself, I think the fact that I tolerate so much stepping over of me, that especially to other enbies, I tend to me so much more nastier in my own head because it feels unfair that I (even though this is kind of self inflicted) never get acceptance so why should I hand it to others?

I feel like, even on the level of just for other people, my denial of the self isn't healthy. it's made me act and feel so much more nastier and I hate it. I think I might go ask a couple more friends to refrain from she/her and feminine coded language and lean more towards masc/neutral ones.

I'm also just really, really, really afraid, because the way I generally am and the things I enjoy are all fem coded, and there's a fair chunk of internalised misogyny here too, I feel like I don't '''deserve''' to be seen as an enby. like the things like fashion, makeup, etc. are all gender neutral, and I believe that, but I don't get why I feel like since I'm AFAB, me liking makeup and fashion makes me inherently more 'woman' than anything else but if someone who is AMAB likes the same, they don't have that, almost corrupting connotation.  I mean it makes sense why I'm so, like built-in terrified, I literally live in a place where I am in a lot of potential danger if not at the least ridicule if the wrong person found out. And my gender expression is far outside the binary which, the majority of people who don't understand, and a lot of times even if they are queer they still don't understand. I constantly joke about being 'still cis tho', and I think it's a big chunk of self hatred and internalised transphobia because I reaaally do not want to admit who I am to myself. I don't want me to be happy. With obvious regards to safety, I want to be more brave. Honest to fuck I don't want to be friends with people I'm not comfortable disclosing my gender identity to, because I would never tolerate that kind of treatment for my other trans friends, like no person is a friend of mine if they would discriminate against my other friends. and goddamnit I need to stand for that.  Today I woke up less depressed than I have in a while, and it does feel a little bit like opening the window and curtains to let a bit of sunshine in after I've been in depression cave for a while, and it feels good. I have clarity again and in a way, I can breathe again. and I'm willing to be kind to myself again. I have this dream, sort of, or well since I'm very very very stuck in my living situation which is, less than fun and very much not the indie coming of age movie with girl in red-esque music playing in the background with orange glowing streetlights casting a soft hue on two teenagers (one being me) talking about life and shit and being profound or whatever like since none of that is happening right now I spend a lot of my time imagining scenes like that... I have this dream of going to a pride parade with all of my queer friends, the funny gay people in my phone and some of the, albeit very very few but still, ones I've met in real life,I have a binder on and no one is judging me, I'm probably wearing an unbuttoned button up over it, and a pretty skirt, I've grown out my hair super long and I don't give a fuck what other people say about it, and I've braided yellow, white, black, and purple ribbons into both of them, wednesday addams style but waaayy longer, I'm talking hip length braids- and we're screaming lyrics to queer af songs and my stomach hurts like I've done ab exercises for a millenia straight because I'm laughing that hard, and my face and jaw is equally sore from smiling.

I'm, really, really, fucking depressed and suicidal a lot of the time but, I hope I get to live out the scenes in my head at least once, and at least a few of them, and that I finally think to myself:

"I'm. Fucking. Alive."

And there's the unspoken sentence of:

"And this feels fucking euphoric, and this is what living is, it wasn't the miserable, bleak, lie my depression tells me, nor what my tormenters prophesised, life is cackling with my friends until my stomach hurts, life is cuddles with the ones I love, life is reading good books when it's raining outside, life is worth it."

[hamliet]

Do you want to watch Heartstopper, hamliet?

Er... not really. At some point, maybe. But the author and cast have made some really icky statements that have dampened my enthusiasm--actually, that have outright been triggers. This isn’t to cancel them or to cancel the story either, please don't misunderstand me, but instead to say that they touched on very specific triggers that alarm me, and hence I prefer to focus on other media for the time being even though the story itself is probably lovely.

I also wholly support anyone enjoying the story! Really not intending to cancel or imply a morality game besides saying that I found the author/cast's statements morally troubling, but I can say that about a lot of stories I enjoy to an even greater extent, so there is no high ground here. It's just me being sour because it hit a trigger in my life and the marketing dug into said trigger, which kind of turned me off to the story.

The author of Heartstopper, Alice Oseman, made a frankly racist comment about how her story was superior to "boy's love" from Asia which she said was primarily written by cishet women who "fetishize" MLM. Except... she's clearly drawing on yaoi influences, and she's a white woman in Britain, where she's a lot freer to be open about her sexuality than people who are, y'know, actually getting thrown in prison for writing about it like Chinese danmei authors. To be clear, I don't actually think Oseman is being malicious--I know nothing about her--but instead ignorant (I once shared that ignorance, tbh), and I hope she reconsiders that it's maybe a biiiiit easier to work out your own sexuality when you live a privileged life in her society. Whether or not an author is part of the community or not isn't easy to say, because there are also cultural issues that discourage exploration and where coming out is pretty much impossible. And frankly, it's also no one's damn business.

The second thing she said that really irked me, and the thing that triggered me, was that she implied it would be wrong to show teenagers having sex. I'm sorry, but a lot, maybe even most, teenagers do have sex or are at least curious. But, it's very normal not to--actually, I think it's good that there is representation of teenagers not having sex as well, not just for more ace rep, but also because teenagers aren't always ready despite the fact that media insists they should be. So the fact that Heartstopper doesn't have sex is not the problem.

The problem is that the idea that praising HS specifically for not having sex in it ignores that there is a a whole long, long, long history of this rhetoric being used in LGBT+ spaces to justify hate. "You can exist, as long as you don't actually do it" etc.

It also comes uncomfortably close to mimicking the purity culture rhetoric of evangelical true love waits rings and purity balls. It treats sexuality of any sort as something to be shoved in a closet. Not only that, but did you know? Did you know that there's a whole movement in Christian circles called "Side B" sexuality where gay and lesbian people acknowledge they can't change their sexuality but believe it's not a sin unless they engage in the act of sex? The idea that depicting the act of sex is inherently fetishizing, or that it inherently dirties a story or makes it less valuable, sends off major alarm bells in my mind, because I grew up in this culture.

Of course, it's good to have fluffy, sweet stories without sex. Plus, there should be more ace rep. Some prefer sexless innocent stories and that is fine! I like them too sometimes! People have different needs! But the fact that this is distinctly held up as a virtue and that some creators imply depicting sex is inherently degrading or fetishizing or whatever is A Major Yikes, mimics conservative religious rhetoric, and oversimplifies the concept of sexuality that leads to at best concerning and at worst dangerous results. Ask me how I know (actually don't, but just saying I have some very real history here and Stories).

[evilwickedme]

ok so to sum up my feelings for leverage: redemption, season 1(a): (long post warning, there’s a tl;dr at the end)

I knew that Hardison wouldn’t be in most of the season due to Aldis Hodge being a busy bee nowadays, but I didn’t realize that meant he’d only be around for the first two episodes. He was sorely missed, not only because of my attachment to him, but also because he’s usually the grounding factor in the group dynamic, and his role as info guy and tech guy was split evenly between two characters who had their own issues.

That said, Hardison is absolutely a highlight of the two episodes he’s in. his speech about redemption was everything I could’ve hoped for (plus, more evidence for the Jewish!Hardison pile...). I wish we’d gotten to see more of his dynamic with Breanna because what we saw was funny and sweet and we don’t generally get to see Hardison taking care of somebody who so desperately needs taking care of. I hope that Aldis Hodge is around for more episodes in 1(b), because what we’re left with feels a little hollow.

Sticking to original leverage characters for now, for the most part the leverage crew still felt true to the original series as characters, even if the show itself was a little bit confused at times. The actors understand their characters and embody them so well that I think one could give them the trashiest script ever and they’d still sell it. Sophie is a particular focus in 1(a) because of Nate’s death, and she’s particularly well written as a result.

That said, I’m super bitter that we saw little to no mastermind!Parker. Parker’s character being given the mastermind role was a big deal and it feels like they’re walking it back because they feel uncomfortable with it. It is eventually given an in-text excuse, but literally in the last episode, and it was not a particularly convincing reason, and in fact contradicted moments from previous episodes (Sophie leaving for a client meeting and ignoring Parker in ep3 comes to mind). It’s frustrating, it makes the end of the original leverage feel pointless, and letting Parker make a decision once in a while is not the same thing at all. The original series repeatedly showed us that while everyone in the team had their strengths, Parker works problems and solves them in unique, interesting ways, and other characters’ days in the limelight tended to be comedic or even failures. It’s a broken promise, and a pretty major broken promise at that.

On a more positive note, Parker’s dynamic with literally everyone was fantastic. She’s possibly the best written character this season. They’ve taken the autism out of the subtext and into the text (although obviously still undiagnosed), and given her coping mechanisms that were taken seriously in the text even when they were played for laughs, which I appreciated. Her attempts to mentor Breanna were sweet, her friendship with Sophie was electric and at times (CRIMES) hilarious, and as usual, she has a fantastic dynamic with Eliot that makes my heart burst. If you don’t think they’re romantically involved, at least acknowledge there’s a life partnership here. They’ve spent the last decade together.

(We’ll get to Harry.)

Eliot isn’t given much arc-wise, which is frustrating since he’s my favorite. He’s being presented as the goal at the end of a redemption arc, ie to keep working at it every day until your soul heals or whatever, and it doesn’t reflect the message they’re trying to convey via Hardison’s speech and our two new characters. He’s got his moments, but I think they under utilized his potential.

Breanna!!! Breanna’s my new favorite, except for Eliot. She’s hilarious, she’s insecure, she’s nerdy and excited in a way that’s similar to Hardison but still distinct in its inherent teenage-girl-ness and I LOVE IT. Unlike the previous series, where Hardison’s “age of the geek” was often a joke played on Hardison, we’re at the point where Eliot and Parker are both right there with him, and so they accept and even appreciate Breanna’s nerdiness. Also, canon gay character? In YOUR Leverage? It’s more likely than you think.

(No, I never thought they’d make ot3 canon on screen. I hoped, but I didn’t think it would actually happen.)

I think Breanna’s the character that will be the most interesting to see grow. She’s got a lot of potential and a list of crimes a mile long (or more). I adore her with all my heart. I want to see her tiktok account.

Harry. Oh, Harry.

It took me a while, but I do like Harry. It took a while, because the narrative positioned him at the same level as Nate back in episode 1 of original Leverage. But in episode 1 we didn’t know the other characters. We had Nate as the POV character, and so we cared about him because we were seeing the world through his eyes. (This is TV Studies 101. I know this, because I took TV Studies 101 in 2019.) In Leverage: Redemption, we no longer have a POV character, for several reasons:

Nate, previously the POV character, is dead.

As it is, by mid-season 3 of leverage Nate was no longer a POV character. This is, coincidentally, the point where the leverage writers realized they had four other characters in the main cast they could do something with, and in-universe, Nate accepted that he was a thief, not a special Good Man.

Sophie is sort of a POV character for the first episode of the revival, but only for the first few minutes. Afterwards, the series settles into the groove of seasons 3-5, i.e., the entire crew is our POV. We know our crew, and we love them as is.

Narratively, however, Redemption insists on positing Harry as the POV character, because it is his redemption we are pursuing most vehemently. And I think they really relied on us already knowing the actor - I’ve never seen him in anything before, so to me he was a completely fresh face and they put almost no effort into selling him to me. Beyond being competent and consistently mildly baffled by the antics of the leverage crew, I honestly don’t know who this man is by the end of EIGHT episodes with him. I have a much better handle on Breanna by the end of 1(a), and I can tell you I knew all five of the original leverage crew better by the end of the first episode of the original series than I do Harry. What’s the name of his daughter, John Rogers. Is he still married. How old is the daughter. Why is none of this worth mentioning. Give him a sense of humor that isn’t reacting to other people’s shenanigans. I’m so frustrated. It’s bad writing.

I did manage to grow to like Harry by the end, but I’m pretty sure this is down to Noah Wyle’s charismatic portrayal of an under-developed character, at least partially. And I never stopped being frustrated at not knowing who this man is at all.

The two highlights of the season are undoubtedly episodes five and six. Episode five was the first time I felt like the episode was more than a collection of good moments between the main cast and mediocre moments between the main cast and also the main plot. The issues with pacing and tone that I suffered through for most of the season were mostly non-existent in ep5 and 6, and at least in episode 5 I attribute that to the pared down cast. They had time to focus not only on our actual characters - Sophie, Parker, Breanna - but also on the case. This is the only client from 1(a) I am going to remember next week without googling it first, mark my words.

Episode six worked for the exact opposite reason - it completely disregarded the client and plot and immersed itself in the characters. Breanna gets a moment to shine, but everybody else gets their bits and I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the script that was most fun to write. The characters felt natural, real, and captured the found-family dynamic that’s been missing all season for the first time.

While episode 2 is the weakest episode, I don’t actually have much to say about it. I am disappointed in episode 8. For a mid-season finale, I really expected them to do something. Instead, it was an episode about Nate Ford that copped out of being about Nate Ford (both with fake-Nate and with the new version of him being relayed to us). I would have told the writers to give that energy back to episode 1 and write an episode that’s about anybody who isn’t Harry, oh my God. I know I said I grew to like him but so many episodes were about Harry. He’s the newbie! Why didn’t Hardison get an episode that was actually about him, considering he was only around for two episodes? Why does Eliot have to be the butt of the joke when the theme of the series should directly tie back to him in a much more meaningful way? The last episode parodies their own tagline by saying Eliot isn’t just a hitter, but it deftly avoids noticing that they’ve turned him into nothing more than very muscly comic relief, including in that very episode!

Also, I hated the Marshal. Eliot actively looked uncomfortable around her.

tl;dr

The season took a while, that’s definitely true. But it did find its footing eventually, and by the halfway mark of 1(a) it finally felt cohesive again. The characters were played fantastically even when they weren’t well-written, and if nothing else, the humor landed every time. It still has its kinks and problems to work out, but if you look at it as a brand new show rather than a continuation of one that went off the air over eight years ago, it’s actually doing rather well. I’m choosing to judge it in both lights - according to its own standards, it establishes its identity in episode five; according to Leverage standards, it establishes its connection to its roots in episode six. Either way, I thoroughly enjoyed 1(a), and continue to have high hopes for 1(b).

fic writing will commence in three, two, one...

[uncurlinglikeflowers]

Queer Trauma, Coming Out, & the Long Road to Self-Love and Healing

As I’ve reflected on my past, I’ve discovered that my adolescence may be one of, if not THE most traumatic time of my life thus far as a queer person. The last few months with my incredible therapist have made me realize that the years of anxiety, panic, fear, self-loathing, confusion, and depression have scarred me deeper than I had previously thought. She also made me realize that this is at least partially because I have never really talked about it openly and in depth in a healthy and productive way before, which is what inspired me to start this blog to share my experiences with others that are currently struggling with their identity, or to allow those that are also currently healing from the trauma of their previously closeted life feel a little more seen.

I knew from a VERY young age that I was different, but didn’t know how or what it meant. I was a lonely kid for a lot of my childhood without many friends. I didn’t want to play football with the boys during recess. I sought companionship at lunch with a table full of girls more often than not, which in itself also made me feel incredibly self conscious at the time as well. 

I asked, (with incredible shame) for the “girl’s toy” from the backseat in the McDonald’s drive-thru because I loved to play with the mini-Barbies and craft entire storylines for them. They were easier to hide in my room than regular sized Barbies. I spent most summers off school alone playing video games and reading book and book after book. I didn’t really click with the boys down the street. I was obsessed with Britney Spears and the color purple. I was lonely without really knowing what it meant.

I feel as though that fear I felt in my childhood and adolescence held me back from SO much. Middle school in particular was absolute hell. I hated it. I always felt constantly insecure and uncomfortable. I had absolutely zero confidence or self love. I hated my body and how I looked. 

While other kids experienced their first relationships and first feelings of romantic love, I was convinced that it was just not a possibility for me. On top of being deeply closeted, scared, confused, lonely, and in deep denial, girls didn’t go for me anyway. I was the awkward chunky guy struggling with his identity feeling like he had to make up for it by working extra hard to get perfect grades and give himself 100% to other people. I tried not to think about it too much, but hearing about relationships, seeing people kiss in the hallways between classes, and girls talking about what they liked in boys which was the complete opposite of me... it was hell.

To make my self consciousness worse, I felt supremely uncomfortable in gym class and the boys’ locker room in particular. I was ashamed of my body and also self conscious for wanting to look at the other boys; terrified that they would catch on and beat me senseless. Hearing them consistently call each other f*g in a very VERY negative context drove me deep into the closet as the identity I already felt shame for was directly correlated with being a ridiculed outcast, and something that was inherently, disgustingly wrong and unacceptable. The worst insult teenage boys could deliver to each other in the safety of an unchaperoned locker room in a hick town often not kind to queer people or those that were different. I SO desperately wanted to fit in with the other boys instead of being any version of who I actually was.

Part of that façade of blending in with my hetero peers involved having a girlfriend for two months in 8th grade. We didn’t even kiss, let alone approach any sexual situations. I’m sure she had her suspicions. I was utterly obsessed with the concept of blending in by having a girlfriend like the other boys and just having someone special in my life, even if we really didn’t even do any couple things. 

Upon reflection, I don’t think the concept of ever being sexual with her ever crossed my mind in the slightest. Even the idea of kissing her scared the hell out of me, and not just from first kiss nerves. Deep down I knew it wasn’t right for me. Don’t EVER tell a kid they’re too young to know. Fast forward to modern times, my first kiss with a girl was with a close friend YEARS after I came out. Go figure. 

The idea of caring about and loving myself was non-existent at that time. It’s a very VERY new and ongoing journey for me. I didn’t really care about myself at all. I hadn’t learned how to. Mom was in and out of cancer treatments, and would later pass during my senior year of college and kick off my coming out process, but that’s a whole other post for another day. Spending pretty much my entire childhood watching mom deal with being sick, I didn’t want to cause my family any more discomfort. I was full of self loathing, fear, and confusion, but it seemed irrelevant and unimportant because I didn’t want to be a hindrance. 

Instead, I tried so desperately to be the perfect kid and son by befriending my teachers, being a model student, and joining band and a bunch of organizations to stay as busy as possible to stay distracted and impress everyone else.I didn’t love myself because I didn’t think I was allowed to or deserved to in my own head. While I did finally make more meaningful friends in high school, I continued to go through the motions to make my family proud to make up for the scared closeted kid who thought he had to make up for his queerness as though it were a shameful weakness, and it seemed to be the only thing that could possibly matter at the time.

Non-surprisingly, I never really knew any openly queer boys in grade school. It probably legitimately wasn’t all that safe to come out in that environment. I’ll never forget the two boys I saw holding hands in a Wal-Mart that absolutely shook up my entirely reality, because I had never seen romantic same-sex affection in person before. 

There was a lesbian couple at my school, but people said awful, degrading things about them behind their backs constantly and acted like they were the biggest freaks. Another boy in my grade in high school hadn’t come out yet officially but was very flamboyant, and thus was treated just as awful as the lesbian couple, if not worse. Other kids just regularly said despicable things about him without even knowing him at all. I even heard parents make blatantly homophobic jokes about him. 

His life had to have been hell, and as a fully out queer adult, I still regret not being able to stand up for him more. That definitely forced me deeper into the closet. He wasn’t even out but got talked about like he was some disgusting abomination. How could I ever assume that I could ever come out, let alone kiss, date, and love another boy? I HATED the idea of any attention being placed on me, so I just wanted to survive school at that point.

I had multiple people throughout high school ask me if I were gay just as though it were the most casual question rather than a triggering inquiry that sent me into a mental frenzy every damn time it was presented. Having one of the jock boys ask me such a deeply personal question in passing on the way to my seat in Algebra class was traumatizing. I of course always said no, as at the time I was still convinced it was a passing phase and that I couldn’t actually be gay. 

At home, in the days of Myspace, I got anonymous messages telling me they were pretty sure I was gay. The anonymity was arguably worse in some ways. 

At a young age, I became hyper aware of how I carried myself, talked, and acted. I loathed hearing my voice or seeing myself in pictures, for fear of sounding too feminine or standing or emoting too gay. I obsessed over the concept that boys and girls carried their books a certain way, or the boys would be labelled as queer. I was paranoid about where I shopped for clothes, the colors I wore, and the length and fit of my shorts. 

In middle school, I got a lilac colored trapper keeper for school that I ultimately had my parents take back to the store for a different one because I felt so self conscious about it all day. At home I played with my little Barbies, but didn’t dare tell the kids at school for fear of rejection and isolation. Overall, I felt grossly incompetent, irrelevant, and unimportant in my own mind. Unworthy of love and of course, deeply ashamed for my attraction to the other boys.

I never had anyone whatsoever to help guide me through the coming out process, because I didn’t know a single queer person who could. I’ve now dedicated a good amount of my energy trying to be that person I desperately could have used then for anyone else that needs that role to be filled, and for someone to tell them that someone is incredibly proud of them. An obscene amount of queer people don’t ever hear “I’m so proud of you!” when they really need it the most. 

I also didn’t have any good queer representation on TV or in movies, so I really did feel completely alone at times. Most queer characters in media existedly solely to be made fun of and mocked, ratcher than celebrated, properly represented, or God forbid, given a legitimate love story, and the public’s reaction was so frequently one of such repugnance and disapproval. 

This was also probably about the time that a close family member told me that he had punched a gay guy for hitting on him when he was younger, a story he again felt the need to share with a now ex-boyfriend and I when we were dating, as though that’s not a horrifying thing for an already scared and closeted queer to hear from their own family. 

I think during middle school in particular is when my anxiety and depression issues started, but I assumed either that I was being a baby and that my feelings were invalid, or that it was just teenage angst. The idea that boys and men should mask their emotions and feelings and feel shame rather than expressing them was, (and seemingly appears to continue to be) a very real thing in small towns and society in general. 

It didn’t occur to me at the time that I was experiencing varying levels of almost daily trauma that would fuck me up well into adulthood. If you take anything at all from this post, let it be that the conversation around mental health, (and men in particular in this instance) NEEDS to change.

Another particularly noteworthy event in my queer adolescence was when two of my friends, (both girls, shocker) discovered gay porn on my computer. While they pestered me about if it were mine while they laughed, I of course lied. I felt a deep shame and utter humiliation. On reflection, fucking IMAGINE if they had been able to be gentle and understanding with me and told me they loved me and still would even if I were gay. From then on I was terrified that they would bring that day up to our other friends as a joke. Perhaps they did a time or two, I don’t recall. These same friends made jokes about the queer kid I mentioned earlier, and both parents of one of the girls regularly gossiped and made homophobic jokes about him when I was at their house 

By the time school dances rolled around, I knew I would never be able to go with anyone but friends. Even if I weren’t still deeply closeted, I’m pretty sure my school still had pretty strict rules against bringing same-sex dates to Prom. While I definitely had fun with my friends at the dances we went to, I so desperately longed for a world where I could dance with a boy who loved me like everyone else was able to.

The loneliness and isolation I felt at the end of those nights could be unbearable because it didn’t seem possible for me, even as I looked into the future. I was fully convinced I would live a very lonely life without anyone to love me the way I craved. I didn’t belong in that world, and wouldn’t ever be set up for that kind of happiness, joy, and feeling of content. I would live for everyone else but myself because that’s just the way the world worked for us queers.

I wish I had had just one single person then who gave me full permission to be my authentic queer self on any level. Someone who could hug me and tell me life after high school and college could and would be vastly different. Someone to tell me I wasn’t an unlovable disgusting freak, but rather a kind-hearted boy who deserved a deep love someday because I was a valid and gentle soul who deserved the world. I certainly deserved more than the shame and pain that constantly haunted me. 

Maybe then I wouldn’t have thought about death before 30 so much and obsessed over it well into my college career. I might have realized that I needed to learn to be gentle with myself and take care of and prioritize me and my own happiness. So many people let me down and convinced me that I was a filthy sinner and an over-emotional kid with invalid perspectives and feelings. As most of my closest friends, (that I cannot stress enough have been the ones to save my life and encourage the authenticity that I present so proudly today) came into my life after I had already come out fully, they weren’t around during those dark early struggles. 

Sometimes as an adult I still wonder what it would have felt like and how profoundly different my life could be if someone had held me close and sincerely told me they’re proud of me for what I survived and overcame, and told me that they can’t wait to see my eyes light up with the love I’ve always dreamed of in a boy, and that I still continue to seek. 

Young, baby gay Travis would be in absolute awe if he knew what life had in store for him back then. To see a future version of himself painting his nails, wearing whatever he wanted, dancing with strangers at pride festivals, having the time of his life at drag shows with his queer family and falling in love with boys? Proudly holding a boyfriend’s hand walking downtown in a busy city? Openly telling his dad about the cute boy he’s going on a date with? Going Facebook official with a boy? Being a super vocal advocate and inspiration and mentor to not only queer family, but to people he hardly talks to but manages to influence and inspire just by unashamedly being himself? Genuinely looking forward to kissing his new husband in front of family and friends on his wedding day, knowing it’ll be one of the happiest days of his entire life? 

Holy. Actual. Fuck.

Travis of six or seven years ago wouldn’t have even dared to dream this big, let alone baby gay Travis. He probably would have been utterly mortified but SO comforted to see that future life when he didn’t believe it to be any level of possible.

I’m so fucking proud of myself for this journey, and no one will ever take that away from me or water down my trauma or the grueling work I’ve put in. Genuinely, this is the one thing in my life that makes me absolutely burst with pride. 

I think I want to learn how to keep baby Travis in mind with this pride without having to revisit the trauma in the process. Look back at him with open arms, excited to see him learn and blossom into his actual self someday. Even if he could have desperately used someone like the me I am today, he survived then, and continues to persevere today. 

He’s queer as fuck, and proud to shout it from the rooftops. He’s a voice and an advocate for the voiceless. A shining light and beacon of hope for those still navigating their terrifying escape from their closeted life. He’s going to meet a man someday and love him so deeply in the way baby Travis always dreamed of. Above all, he’s going to continue to make that little guy so incredibly proud because he knows now the importance of loving himself in the process. 

I’m so proud of that scared little boy. I just wish he could have known then how proud he would make himself one day.   

As you talk with the queer people in your life, please keep in mind that just about all of us have incredible trauma directly tied to our identities. Talk to them with love, compassion, and understanding. Tell them how proud of them you are for pursuing their own happiness in the face of oppression and rejection. 

Demand better from elected officials. Advocate for us. Shut down homophobic ideals, even if you think it’ll make your family and friends uncomfortable to hear. Support queer content, artists and creators. Be a proud ally, but don’t ever allow yourself to take the spotlight away from actual queer people or our queer spaces. Mourn, love, and celebrate with us. 

Understand why pride is SO fucking important to us, and why you never have to worry about needing your own pride events. Listen to us and love us for exactly who we are, and were always meant to be. Love is the most incredible, beautiful, and often rare human experience we’re able to experience during our short time on this planet, and it should always be celebrated.

Happy Pride!

[kob131]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Buv3TA7dvdE

You know, for someone who supposedly watched Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid-

How is it I caught onto that Ilulu isn’t a fucking loli just at first appearance? Me, where the closest I’ve come is playing Dragonmaids.

So the first section is just the speaker setting up how she wanted to like the anime but apparently she got less and less enthusastic as the show expanded beyond Kobayashi and Tohru.

... Red flag. In my personal experience, this tends to taint a person’s view of a work and causes them to seek out problems with the work in question even when it goes beyond what a normal person or even what they themselves would do in other circumstances. So right away- I’m pretty damn skeptical.

We further go into the video and the person states that are an artist and they know what they are talking about. ... Okay, first off- You’re talking about coding as if it isn’t your internal projections (we’ll get to THAT later) so no, you don’t. Second, I don’t know if the artist thing is suppose to be connected to the ‘know what you are talking’ part but considering by the same logic a writer would know an abusive relationship in media...and Twilight exists- That’s bullshit. And third- why should anyone trust someone they likely never have watched before?

Next we get into ‘Coding in Media’. Here we have the person giving a definiton from the wikipedia article. I’ll copy paste the highlighted stuff:

“- a reader may initially interpret a set of signifiers as a literal representation, but clues may indicate a transformation into a metaphorical or allegorical interpretation diachronically “

“- i.e. acknowledging that there is sometimes an ideological quality to the coding system, determining levels of social acceptability, reflecting current attitudes and beliefs. “

However, I would like to point something out- This is from the ‘Discussion’ tab. Not the general part which she shows but doesn’t focus on. Here’s the definition she gives:

“Coding is a term used in media to refer to when the author wants to convey an aspect of a character to the audience but does not want to or isn’t allowed to explictedly state what that is.”

Here’s the article’s definition with an added definition of semiotics.

“ In semiotics *{the study of sign processes (semiosis), which are any activity, conduct, or process that involves signs, where a sign is defined as anything that communicates a meaning that is not the sign itself to the sign's interpreter} , a code is a set of conventions or sub-codes currently in use to communicate meaning.”

Here we start to see things crumble. Semiotics and by extension coding is inherently indirect. Meaning that there isn’t a defined or solid meaning. And what does that mean?

You can basically insert whatever the fuck you want into the ‘code’. Hell, you can even insert meaning into a code that DOES NOT EXIST.

The speaker does it herself in the coming examples.

Scar from Lion King is apparently ‘queer coded’ because he’s ‘effiminate and willowy’.

Jafar too since he wears ‘eyeliner’.

Ursula was ‘literally’ based off of a drag queen.

... Order-

Scar’s ‘effeminity’ is shown with him making a hand gesture...that is a sign of SARCASM. And his ‘willowiness’?

This is a normal feline body.

Jafar’s ‘eyeliner’? Common practice in Arab culture with men. (it’s called Kohl).

Ursula being based off a Drag Queen? Yeah...

“ Calling Divine (real name Harris Glenn Milstead) "the great actor from Baltimore", Musker revealed that one of The Little Mermaid's writers, Howard Ashman, knew Divine and had Rob Menkoff - one of the film's principal animators - to do "some drawings that were based on Divine".

"Even though it’s sort of disguised, it’s based on the character [of Divine]," he said."It just fit the character," agreed Clements. "She was outrageous, theatrical..." “

She’s based off a drag queen...because they happen to have the same personality. And thing is here, even if they are ‘queer coded’- Ressiannce Disney villains are made to be LIKEABLE and ENJOYABLE villains. Contrast this with say...Looney Toon caricatures. They’re meant to be mocked and disliked.

But going back to the Ursula thing- The speaker never actually proves how Ursula was based off a drag queen. She just says it with a picture. And considering that looking into it reveals the basis is a COMPLIMENT. This is relevant because either the person didn’t know this and shows they are just jumping to conclusions (considering what she is talking about- that’s NOT good) or she did know...and continued anyway. Says a lot when ‘shit research’ is the GOOD option.

But let’s strike at the heart. Why would these minor things (even drag queens are not inherently LGBT) be ‘queer coded’ on her eyes when the use of LGBT characteristics as negative are usually MUCH more blatant? Well it kind of has to do with how ‘coding’ works. See, how do you code something as complex as being LGBT? Well, we have a word for it already. A very well known word.

‘Stereotyping’

No really. The hand gesture Scar used is a stereotypical gay man gesture, gay men are stereotyped as being thinner, wearing makeup with men is stereotypically gay, drag queens are stereotyped as LGBT. The speaker is using stereotypes of LGBT people to determine of a character is ‘coded.’

Issue- Stereotyping assigns universal things to specific groups simply due to connotations, ignoring reality in the process. In reality, Scar’s gesture is one of sarcasm, condescension and sadism with his lithe figure being a connecting thread to the Hyenas, his mooks. In reality, Jafar is just an Arab man. In reality, drag queens are not inherently LGBT NOR is Ursula displaying any other traits associated with being LGBT.

If you wanna hear what I hear- replace every instance of ‘coding’ with ‘stereotyping.’

Also I find it hilarious that she goes on about how ‘not all coding is bad!’ when showing Steven Universe characters later on...as she ignores context with the Disney villains (and I suspect with Ilulu).

So she goes onto specifically ‘child coding’, using things like ‘small, naive ect.’ She also acknowledges that shorter women exist, using La Brava from MHA as an example, talking about how her figure is proportionally more like an adult than a child and how she fits into MHA’s style despite her face looking like a child’s apparently

Moving beyond the Kanna stuff (don’t care)- she talks about how Ilulu’s face looks like a child’s and how her height is proportional to Kana...similarly to how she mentioned La Brava. And talks her body? Non existent.

Why? Well, let me show you a full body picture of Ilulu without her loose shirt.

Here’s a picture of Kanna.

Notice something? 

Ilulu has a thinner waist, a more pronounced buttocks and wider hips.

All things that indicate a more mature body than Kanna.

‘But KOB! We can’t actually tell what Kanna’s body type is like!’

Okay, here’s the chapter 100 cover-

Kanna’s body is clearly different from Ilulu. In fact, Ilulu more resembles Tohru, an ADULT. 

And if you REALLY think Ilulu’s body type is out of the ordinary for dragon bodies in this manga-

No, no she really isn’t.

The speaker tries to say they ‘de-babified’ her in the anime with this image from the manga-

But you can tell from the way she’s drawn this isn’t normal and is likely a comedic moment.

And going back to coding- Ilulu has a job, something children CANNOT HAVE.

‘But she admitted that her face in the anime was more defined than Kanna’s, her eyes are still lower though!’

Yeah, here’s the thing-

Ilulu’s not an adult either. She’s a teenager. Of course she’s not the same as adults but she’s also not the same as a fucking CHILD.

‘B-but she admitted La Brava is also short but she’s still unquestionably an adult!”

And yet she ignores how Ilulu is, by the same metrics, not a child. She says Ilulu talks like a child. ... But doesn’t explain HOW with the season 2 trailer. In fact, her La Brava example can actually be seen as childish due to her high tone. Yes I can here the...inflections that are similar to Kanna but numerous anime have used it with non-prepubescent characters to denote immaturity.

And as the final nail in the coffin- Back in the coding section, she mentioned that authors do this because it might not be socially acceptable. Issue is, the manga has the adult Lucoa trying to seduce a child (which she never mentions or even alludes to which is surprising) so clearly, the author doesn’t feel uncomfortable with the idea so even the justification is bullshit.

All in all, this comes across as projecting her own interpretation of things onto the original work. Which DEEPLY pisses me off.

[nerdyqueerandjewish]

I want to ask a question and I hope it doesn’t get taken the wrong way. So please forgive me if I offend you, but can you tell me what made you decide/learn you are trans? Like where did it all begin? I’m just curious because I, someone who is not trans, would like to kind of understand a little more as to what people feel with this sort of thing. You can be as specific or as general as you like obviously. It’s whatever you’re comfortable with. Thanks.

Sure! I feel people tend to assume that trans people “always knew” they were a different gender from a young age, and I didn’t feel that way at all so I like talking about it to challenge those stereotypes.

Tw- gender dysphoria / body talk / dated language, including slurs

Growing up I actually enjoyed being a girl for the most part. I like things that people considered feminine and I even felt sorry for the boys and thinking that I was glad I wasn’t one because they seemed so restricted in how they expressed themselves (didn’t realize at the time that i was actually grateful I didn’t need to deal with the expectations of toxic masculinity). I think as I got older I sort of knew I was “different” because I was bisexual, but I didn’t think about it in a gender way that much. Even though as a teenager I knew trans people existed in an abstract sense, the idea of me being trans wasn’t really on my radar. I do remember sometimes I would just really want facial hair. Like, I thought if I could just be a “bearded lady”, that would be great. I didn’t really think beyond that, I would say it sometimes to friends, like “UGH I’m just so jealous of so-and-so’s beard I know that’s so weird lol (but I guess I’m just weird and quirky like that)!” And in hindsight I’m like Oh that was dysphoria! I was feeling weird about gender but didn’t know what was going on.

When I was in college I got out of my small town bubble and actually was around other out lgbtq+ people, and I think that really allowed me to explore my gender expression more. I said before, I enjoy femininity, and that’s true, but a lot of the looking like what society expected a girl or woman to look like felt like a costume to me. It was enjoyable in the way that dressing in drag can be fun - but it didn’t feel like an authentic expression of myself. Not that like, questioning the sexist expectations society places on women makes people trans, but it felt like, it wasn’t just make-up and woman’s clothes - having a smooth, peach fuzz face felt like drag on me. I had boobs and I thought they looked nice but i felt like they were not an actual part of me and they got to a point where they actively bothered me / made me uncomfortable. My costume wasn’t a bad costume, but having it be my everyday reality was exhausting, and transitioning was a way for me to have a life where I didn’t feel like I was playing dress up all the time.

I identified as genderqueer and nonbinary for a long time because I didn’t know if I was a man or not. I defiantly didn’t identify with the idea of “wanting to be a man” or “wanting to be masculine.” My community was primarily queer women, and a lot of the trans men I knew were butch in the way they presented before they came out so I felt like being a trans man required a certain level of masculine gender presentation. Eventually I just kind of gave up finding a right word for me though and started more thinking like “what would I want to do if nobody was around? If no social pressure existed? Would I want to start testosterone? Would I want to have top surgery?” And the answer to those things ended up being yes. Reading about the trans scene in the 80s - 90s was also really helpful to me because things were a bit less focused on identity labels and more focused on being and doing what is best for yourself personally. Riki Ann Wilkins is an activist and in one of her books she has a quote that’s something like “I’m not invested in identifying as transsexual. I’m invested in being myself and feeling at home in myself, and society has certain words to label and communicate that idea.” And that really helped me start to focus on caring for myself and what I needed instead of trying to find the “right” answer to what I was. It was also reading her books that I found out that there was a subculture of transgender men (identifying as transfags) who rejected a lot of the masculinity that people saw inherent to male-ness and being a trans man and embraced gender nonconformity and their attraction to men. A lot of them also vocal about not wanting bottom surgery. Which, I know these things might not sound out there now, but it was actually pretty radical because adherence to gender roles, heterosexuality, and desire to “”fully”” transition was a requirement to get access to things like hormones and other parts of medical and legal transition. Anyway, I read about their existence and I was like holy shit !!! I can be a man in a gay way ?? And (related to the Rikki Ann Wilkins quote) being trans / being a trans man doesn’t need to be The Perfect Identity Label? It can just communicate some information relevant to my experience ?? Cool I guess I’m a trans man. I still consider myself nonbinary too, because I feel like that also communicates things about my experience with gender. I also feel comfortable using the term genderqueer to describe myself, but I feel like that term isn’t as used as frequently anymore.

I know that was probably long but there were multiple starts and beginnings of things. Gender feelings probably started around me being 15 years old, but I didn’t know they were gender feelings until I was around 19, and I didn’t really get settled in my own identity until I was around 25. So. It’s been a Time lol.

Also I just wanted to add - although I’m sure you get this and it’s just hard to know how to phrase things - there really isn’t a “decision” to be trans / have these feelings or experiences , it’s just what it is. But we do make decisions about what words to use to describe ourselves and decisions about social and medical aspects of transitioning. Some trans folks experience things so strongly that decisions are ones where they needed to pick a certain option. The option of not coming out or not taking certain steps in transitions are just not viable alternatives for them. I personally feel like I could have decided to not do certain things and survived, but my quality of would have been significantly worse and I wouldn’t be honoring my actual Self.

Also I know my experience revolved a lot around my experience relationship to my body, and following that, I know that’s not everyone’s experience. Totally cool to be a trans person who doesn’t experience dysphoria or be someone who really vibes with the newer wave of how we talk about identity, it’s just not me and I can’t speak on that experience 😎

[peemil]

☕evangelion 😳

y'all are killing me

the more time i spend apart from this show, the more i find myself kind of hating it shsjhl;hjsdhjso;d. i am somehow now in an even worse place mentally than i was when i first watched evangelion but even so i am NOT letting myself fall in the same traps of woobifying shinji and excusing the behaviors i shared with him and vice versa.

starting with my most general take, i don't like the rebuilds. like, at all. granted, i haven't seen 3.0 + 1.0 yet, and i will be avoiding spoilers until there is an official english translation, but i feel like the rebuilds are kind of what you get when you listen a little too hard to people who didn't get the psychological parts of eva and spent the latter half of the series wishing it would go "back" to being a regular mecha anime (which it never was in the first place). the rebuilds lack a lot of the same internal conflicts that drive the characters (especially shinji), and higher budget means the rebuilds can be more direct in their storytelling and less reliant on alternative ways of communicating ideas, which causes the rebuilds to lose some of the avant-garde present in the original series. as a result, it's jarring to see some of the attempts made at this in 3.0, and painful to watch these attempts fail, as they have no real precedent in the film series. the best way for me to explain the rebuilds is they feel like sterilized and polished, but hollow versions of the original anime series. but maybe i'm just biased, because none of the things i liked about the original are present in the films.

on to more minutiae... i've said it once and i'll say it again, asuka langley soryu is a LESBIAN and there's nothing anyone can do to make me stop reading her character in this way. the only male characters she is depicted as having any romantic feelings towards in the series just (unintentionally) so... comphet. her obsessive flirting with kaji is rooted in her need to prove her worth as an adult, i.e., to prove to others that she is something she inherently is not. plus, he's older, and he's conventionally attractive, so if she didn't have feelings for him (or at least publicly perform having feelings for him), she'd be out of her mind, right? asuka is also someone shown to pursue connections out of convenience (literally citing it as her primary reason for wanting to be friends with rei), and any intimacy she shares with shinji (i.e., their kissing scene) is done only because 1. she's bored 2. shinji is the closest person available. i find the notion that she's a tsundere hiding her real feelings for him laughable, because we've seen what asuka is like around people she genuinely likes and whom she wants to like: the hatred she shows for rei takes a different form from her hatred for shinji: whereas asuka is disgusted by shinji, she is resentful towards rei. her resentment towards rei curiously begins only after rei rejects asuka's offer of friendship, so i am inclined to believe that asuka's feelings of anger when she sees rei receives more respect than she believes she does at nerv are compounded by the fact that she wanted to like rei and have a connection with rei, but wasn't permitted to do so. we also get to see how asuka acts around the one person with whom asuka is able to form a meaningful connection with, whom she lets herself trust and open up to: hikari. asuka actually has fun with hikari and feels safe enough around her to not only seek refuge with her and her family in her time of need, but also to admit that her rage is mostly towards none other than herself. her behavior towards shinji is nothing like her behavior towards either of these characters, but it is not much different from her behavior towards kensuke and toji, two other boys in her class, so maybe... maybe she just doesn't like boys? lol. i'm aware that asuka is genuinely homophobic and awful in the episode 24 drafts, and that it was in no way, shape, or form the writers' intent to turn that into some sort of commentary on internalized homophobia. but with the canon footage that did get animated, i'm really not sure how else i'm supposed to analyze this aspect of her character.

similarly, i don't appreciate how many fans will treat headcanoning shinji as gay instead of bi is somehow "bi erasure." number one, shinji's behavior and attitudes towards the women around him is actually kind of appalling, so i wouldn't necessarily want to use his objectification of and acts of violence against their bodies as particularly strong evidence that he's genuinely attracted to women. number two, of course a show about a young man made in the late 90's is going to try to portray the people to whom he is attracted primarily as women. partially because they can't start from the get-go with him having his teenage sexual awakening with another male—for a mainstream anime, that wouldn't be profitable—and partially because this is an anime and showing women and girls in a sexual light is profitable. and given shinji's role of audience surrogate, of course he is going to be the one doing the ogling and sexualizing because he is us, and after all, it is the viewer who wants to see the anime tiddies, no? shinji's more sexual encounters with the women in his life are always either deeply awkward, uncomfortable, and even unnatural, or they completely obectify and commodify the bodies of the women in question. for this reason, i have always seen these moments as existing without genuine attraction: only either confusion (because these situations really are quite blatantly sexual) or simply a disingenuous performance of the attraction shinji thinks he should be displaying, manifesting as the same objectification of women he has seen men exhibit for all of his life—it's little more than a mimicry of the bad behavior he has grown up watching, because that's what he thinks attraction towards women is supposed to look like. conversely, his actions with kaworu, while skittish, seem to come much more organically. shinji is constantly and consistently drawn to kaworu, in addition to being willing to open up to kaworu in ways he doesn't let himself with any other person. granted, kaworu is the only person to give shinji the love he desperately needs and craves throughout the entire course of the series, but the fact that kaworu is the first person shinji genuinely acts like a kid his age with a massive crush in a way that doesn't feel blatantly scripted around, as well as the fact that shinji goes on to feel more slighted by kaworu's perceived betrayal than any mistreatment he experiences from anyone in the whole course of the series (save for his literal father)... idk. sus lol

been awhile since i've done a proper rewatch of this show so i can't speak super generally since i unfortunately don't remember too much. one thing i will say though, i LOVE how the series is very upfront about the fact that shinji's loneliness and trauma (and loneliness and trauma in general) are going to be core themes in the series from the start. people say the first 6 episodes are slow just because they don't have as much action as some of the episodes in the middle of the series, but i remember speeding through them in one sitting because i wanted to understand more about shinji and his inner workings; i was fascinated by his psychology. people famously refer to evangelion as a bait-and-switch, and maybe that's true to a degree, because i don't think anyone really saw the shift to more trippy animation coming, but the psychological themes present in the latter parts of the series are still very present in episodes 1-4. i'm also amused by people who say they're "caught off guard" by the last four or so episodes, because the major shift towards being a show primarily about psychology really begins in episode 16, when eva unit 01 is consumed by leliel and shinji has to confront the "self within his self" for the first time in the train car of his mind. i know it begins as just another angel fight but like... guys... how did you miss that... episode 16, because it really is where this shift begins, is actually my favorite episode in the entire series. that, and it was where i was first introduced to this hegelian concept of each person functioning both as an actor or operator who carries out actions, as well as an audience perceiving and observing their actions, their thoughts, and themself. which, to a degree, solidifies the notion that anything and everything technically could be considered performance. it's made my work much, much easier and my day-to-day life much, much more dramatic.

[lookbluesoup]

I’ve seen a lot of talk about anti anti culture lately and an emphasis on canceling people who write stories where bad things happen (i.e., rape, molestation, abuse). I’m really interested in facilitating a positive, open space here on my blog. So sharing my personal opinion about this at all is something I thought about for a while, and my hope is that it offers a helpful perspective as well as solidarity to people who use fiction the same way as me.

It’s not directed at anyone in particular or any event in particular. The tl;dr version is – people should always have a choice, they should be allowed to read or choose not to read, they should be allowed to write and share or choose not to write or share. Taking that choice away from people ultimately hurts survivors by making topics taboo and forcing everyone to fit a specific moral narrative for their pain or experiences to be valid.

Trigger Warnings: Rape, abuse, cancel culture, child molestation, depression, suicide, dogmatic religion, homophobia

1. These things DO happen in real life, and yes, they are harmful, and yes, reading about them can be triggering. Fully, completely acknowledge all of these things and have experienced my share of it firsthand.

2. People should be allowed to know before they get invested in a story whether triggers might be present so that they can choose to avoid it if they want to. It is their choice, and responsibility to decide not to read something that is appropriately tagged. (And please, please tag appropriately!)

3. Being interested in reading about dark subjects does not make a person evil. Somewhere between 31-57 percent of women admit to having rape fantasies. (x) That does not mean women want to be raped in real life. It does not mean that half the population of women are perverted degenerates. Reading fiction, like indulging in our fantasies, is a safe place to explore and enjoy sensations, dramas, and experiences we still don’t want in real life.

In less touchy examples - I love reading about gladiator arena battles! I love playing apocalyptic games where monsters jump out of the dark and scare the shit out of me! I do not want gladiator rings or to live in an apocalypse in real life! That doesn’t mean my interest in these stories or games condones them in real life. It doesn’t mean I think it was right that Rome irl forced slaves to fight to the death for entertainment.

4. I grew up in an environment without grey areas. The dogmatic Bible-beating hatemongering kind. Someone was good and did everything right according to my beliefs and worldview, or someone was bad and a direct threat to me. If I did something wrong, I had to punish myself physically and emotionally to make up for not being perfect. I was taught to despise myself. My parents believed there was only one correct way to view any situation - their way. I was petrified of punishment and learned that it wasn’t even worth trying to do better or accommodate someone else’s experiences because I would never measure up and would be condemned for doing something that wasn’t perfect. That is immensely, cripplingly harmful to an individual and to society. Cancel culture does the same thing. It excommunicates people who aren’t pure and allows others to get by with abuse because they are ‘teaching’ or an ‘authority on morality’ – and guess what? Nobody is pure. We are all human, we all make mistakes, and we are all learning. None of us have moral authority.

We cannot build a healthy, inclusive society if we are unsafe. We cannot be safe if we are not allowed to first admit that we ALL make mistakes and have prejudices that we can improve on. So we need to be kind and nonjudgmental whenever we have the chance to be. And we have to accept and respect that what’s fun or helpful or healing for us might be the opposite for someone else, or vice versa. Which is okay if we are respectful of each other’s boundaries and don’t try to force a way of being onto someone else without their consent.

5. With regard to writing, this means that people need to be allowed to explore difficult, even painful topics if they wish to. Even for fun. Even if someone else might not want or need to explore those same topics. That doesn’t make either person inherently evil or wrong. It just means we all have different needs and wants and diversity is normal. 

As a serious example, as someone who was molested by a teenage neighbor as a child, I can guarantee you that the fact these topics were considered so disgusting and taboo by society made it very difficult for me to cope. It was not my fault, and I’ve healed from it, but when it happened I didn’t even understand what was going on, and the guilt and self-blame that followed me for years afterward were almost crippling. So yes – what happened to me in real life was wrong, inexcusable behavior. But censorship did not protect me. First it made me ignorant and vulnerable to manipulation, and then it made me feel dirty, disgusting, and isolated. 

What I needed was a safe avenue to talk about it and the thoughts and sensations it stirred up, in order to heal. I needed to know it was okay to have automatic thoughts – they were a result of fear and trauma or even just being human, not a moral failing on my part. I needed to actually talk about and explore what I had felt openly, and how that related to the rest of my life, before I could move past it and have a healthy view of intimate acts that weren’t soaked in guilt and self-loathing.

I read a book after that happened, set in ancient Rome, where pederasty took place. And the victim was allowed to admit that he’d enjoyed some of what had happened to him while enslaved, and was then assured that even though he didn’t hate everything that he experienced, it didn’t make him to blame, nor his abuser right, and those thoughts/feelings did not define him or his morality. That has been immensely healing to me – but this ‘grey’ exploration of a topic is not compatible with mainstream cancel culture.

Or alternatively, I watched the series 13 Reasons Why. I hated it. It felt like nothing but shock value entertainment and not a respectful management of topics like suicide that were very, VERY real to me. Except for someone else I knew who had also struggled with suicidal thoughts and impulses, 13 Reasons Why was immensely validating. They were glad that a series showed such graphic representation of these events in a way that couldn’t be ignored or brushed over. What had been hurtful to me, was empowering to them.

I believe it is not mine, or anyone else’s place, to decide that a piece of media should be across the board banned because of what it might do. Because while some of us share traumas, we still each have different experiences, needs, and healing processes.

Such strict censorship allows for only victims who meet a certain “standard” to receive care and healing. The rest are left to suffer or are even punished further.

All of us have gone through life with vastly different levels of privilege, opportunity, expectations, etc, which leads to vastly different interpretations of the world, none of which are 100% correct or true.

6. Cancel culture hurts LGBTQ+ rights. I’m neither straight or cis, and I might never have learned that if I hadn’t been able to build friendships outside of my social circle who allowed me to integrate and ask questions without being obligated to agree with them. Where I grew up, there was immense prejudice against gay people. My cousin was disowned and disinherited for coming out. I was sheltered from anyone who might argue for gay rights, and discouraged from looking at or being curious of the deep south’s version of ‘problematic.’ That’s what I was taught – to be uncomfortable toward, judgmental, and condemning. If I had been on tumblr during those years and gotten ‘cancelled’ I would have been even more suspicious and condemning of Others, and even more determined that my way was the only right one. I specifically avoided tumblr social circles because I ‘knew’ they hated ‘people like me.’ It’s not exclusive. This trend where people become even more convinced to pick an opposing side because the Other person is being hateful is one of the first things they teach you in social psychology. 

The kind of intolerance that goes with mobbing people for saying anything they consider problematic at all is the same cruelty that makes me unable to tell my parents I identify as agender or pan. It’s what gets women stoned to death and gays beheaded. It’s not moral. 

What changed my point of view was friendships. One of my friends came out as gay and my world turned upside down because here was someone that didn’t match any of the stereotypes I’d been taught to fear. He wasn’t hateful or condemning of me, he was one of the most thoughtful and peaceful people I knew. That is what started to change things for me, and made it safe for me to explore other ways of thinking and interpretations of scripture. Because I cared about him more than I needed to be right.

7. Nobody is obligated to interact with someone who is being violent or hateful to them. You’re not even obligated to interact with someone you disagree with, if the topic is too painful or you simply don’t want to talk about it. Keep yourselves safe. But within the world of writing, live and let live. If someone posts a story you don’t like, and they’ve tagged it appropriately, please, please consider that your experience is not universal. You have the choice not to read that story. Someone else might need to read it. Let them, and don’t shame them for it. 

[jyndor]

hey, had a question about the zukka fandom as you noted in your post. can queer women fetishize mlm relationships, especially those between minors do you think, and do you think that might be in that fandom?

oh wow okay so I am only speaking as a queer woman and I don’t want to speak over mlm on this. this is a great question though so I appreciate you giving me something to chew on. any mlm followers, let me know your opinions if you want.

my opinion is that any wlw CAN fetishize slash ships, and you can tell that’s what’s happening because the men aren’t really in character, they take on stereotypical “roles” in mlm relationships, etc. I went into #mlm fetishization and found some great quotes from actual mlm. I actually wrote several paragraphs but realized I would rather just let mlm speak for themselves on this.(edit: gdi I forgot to talk about minors. um. if you’re an adult wlw and you’e fetishizing mlm minors... i’m deeply uncomfortable with that. stop it. shipping characters who are teens isn’t inherently problematic - I ship zutara and I have shipped it since I was a teenager myself, but plenty of adults watch atla and think the ships are cute, but it’s... how you ship it that matters. the zutara fic that I read as a sixteen yr old was more overtly sexual than what I read now as a 29 yr old.)

I’m not saying I endorse these blogs because I did only give them a cursory glance.

daydreaming-scribe:

Throwback to two years ago when a female slash writer on a Discord server told me and a fellow queer man that slash isn’t a narrative of queer male relationships, but instead is “stories written by women”, and that we as men who have relationships with other men weren’t allowed to feel that our opinions on the problematic issues with slash should have more weight “just because they have bodies more like yours”.

And to top it off, she basically said “yes, slash is sometimes silencing/misrepresenting/harmful to gay men, and that’s okay, because they need to be oppressed for women like me to be free with our sexual expression.” Like, you as a queer woman are saying it’s okay to ignore and be harmful to gay men so long as women get their sexual expression? Work, I guess.

connor-the-twink:

like. i understand crack ships. i understand speculating a ship between two characters with like. no interactions cos you think their personalities would be compatible.

but when they DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING PERSONALITY, that is fetishization. and honestly, in my opinion. that automatically makes anyone who ships something like that, a fetishist. if you ship men together because they’re men, with no other reason than that. it’s fetishism. and it’s fucking hurtful to ACTUAL mlm. we are not a kink. we are not a guilty pleasure. we are people. and yes, this is all fiction, but it’s still things people consume?? it’s still stuff that.. people just assume are normal bc it’s everywhere??

thewoesofyaoi:

At a certain point, it's important for mlm to step back and consider the scope of this problem, and whether the criticisms we make (particular criticisms that target women) are actually appropriate. There are a lot of people who take the discourse way too far, and start attacking women or acting as though mlm fetishization is comparable to misogynistic exploitation, especially of wlw.  But disregarding these grotesque outgrowths of the discourse for a second– why is it that so many of us still care? I think there's more to the answer to this question than just "men are self-centered."  I have no statistics to back this up, but anecdotally, a lot of the mlm on Tumblr that I have met (I'd say the majority even) are trans. And I think trans mlm often have a unique relationship to straight fetishism of mlm, because for many that was their first opportunity to really connect with the identity of man-who-loves-men.  

This is not to say that all trans men used to consort with fetishists or that cis men never get their first exposure to m/m content through things like yaoi. But for a demographic of mlm that generally doesn't have access to mlm-designated spaces during the process of self-identification, a "woman-friendly" space that fixates on men loving men is often the best there is. We've certainly had plenty of people come to this blog and share their story of something similar.  So, why do we still care? Why do trans mlm in particular still care so much? I think the answer is kind of obvious by this point: because in spite of this being many people's first exposure to m/m, it's still damaging. It still warps your self-concept and your ideas about what intimacy between men should look like, and what you'll become by accepting your identity as a mlm– an object, a scandal, and definitely not a full-fledged human being. And especially for those who grew up with this medium as /the only outlet for exploration/, that cuts deep.

[screechingkingdomhottub]

my thoughts on the starkid controversies

{TCB included} yo so i got some opinions that i’m gonna spread...now. So does starkid have some inherently problematic things in their musicals that whether intentionally or not promotes a stereotype? Yeah. Let’s unpack these a little, okay? So let’s start at the beginning with Little White Lie. I think Little White Lie did great, there’s an episode where they defend trans people and the transphobic person is the villain and as a young closeted trans dude watching that...it was totally awesome. Now, AVPM, i dunno mans. I love it, I’ve seen the series many a times and used to watch it to cheer me up at night, I think it critiques JKR’s stereotypes very well and goes full out of “well if dumbledore is gay...let’s make him flaming gay” which is awesome. I saw Devin posted a youtube video talking about how she feels she stole the Cho Chang role away from an Asian actress who is known for playing Lavender Brown called Sango Tajima. I, personally, never got that vibe but I don’t think that’s up to me, I wasn’t there, I’m white, she ended up getting more roles and I encourage y’all to watch Devin’s video on it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fubo7wfGcuo  I’m gonna skip a few cause there’s a lot of musicals and I’m tired. I think a lot of people feel uncomfortable about Umbridge’s portrayal and the way the relationship with Dumbledore is done because it can correlate to the trans women are often seen and portrayed and watching it thinking about it like that...makes it a bit cringey. On a similar note, in Spies Are Forever, Susan is a crossdressing character that has transphobic undertones.  Now, I’m not saying starkid are transphobic or racist or should be cancelled or whatever. And I believe a lot of this stuff they have redeemed and tried to progress forward a lot better and that’s awesome. I am a firm believer everyone should just be judged based on their intentions. If someone has good intentions but does a shite job and people point out they’re not fulfilling those good intentions then they can change and grow and it’s great.  So I love Black Friday but I have a gripe. Can we talk about Gary Goldstein for a bit? Now, I find the character kinda funny, Jon is an amazing actor and his portrayal is awesome. But Gary Goldstein is a lawyer...a very greedy lawyer...with the last name Goldstein. So for those of you that are unaware, Goldstein is a Jewish last name...Jewish stereotypes commonly consist of being very greedy lawyers...you see the issue here? I’m not Jewish, being completely honest I’m still confused about what being Jewish actually means however for Black Friday to take such strong political stances and add to it a so easily avoidable tidbit, literally without the name no one would conflate it with being Jewish but damn. And Hatchetfield names matter so much from what I’ve seen, so there’s thought behind this which makes it worse?  So onto Robert Manion, pitchforks ready? The first controversy I saw about him was to do with something called genderbent pictures. For those that don’t know, it’s when people take someone usually a character from something and switch them to the opposite sex. A lot of the trans community have an issue with this because it kinda eradicates nonbinary people a lot. Really focuses on the binary part, y’know? says “oh now they’re the gender they’re not actually” implying only 2...it’s kinda shitty. For me, personally, it’s dysphoria inducing. It highlights features everyone associates with only each gender and I start recognising all the features on the female version that i have on me and it’s not a fun time. I’m a big boi, i can deal. But many trans people replied to him when talking about this and expressed the dysphoria they were feeling, why promoting those was harming the trans community etc. He apologised but he only apologised for calling it gender bent and not digital drag which...is not what people were saying? I appreciate him making an effort on twitter to promote trans voices, idk much about american politics, so can’t say much on what he’s doing there but at least it’s something. What would be the most awesome thing for him to do is explain what the actual things the trans community told him and promote that to discourage those pictures or to encourage them to also include non binary people in some way cause artistic expression and stuff. More recent Robert Manion controversy is the body positivity pictures. I’m 100% for body positivity, always, anyone body shaming anybody (unless they’re a racist, rapist or general bigot) is a bAD BEAN. However, now this part is gonna get a little nsfw, so if you’re a minor please don’t keep reading, i aint trying to get arrested.  i can’t figure out how to do the keep reading thing so consider this it. Minors leave.  So, onlyfans is a website where you pay for porn basically like a total boomer simp but i digress. Some pages are softcore which is like just outlines of things...like people in their underwear. Robert posted pictures of him in his underwear and tagged it porn and onlyfans. Which if a grown man wants to do sex work I won’t stop him. That’s not the case here, the case here is he posted a picture in his underwear, where his ahem bulge is visible and sexualised it with the tags. There are minors that follow this man, that may have been scrolling through instagram in school and saw oh shit a dong. “But Joey Richter took off his pants in mamd!!!” yeah and that had a ton of warnings, you knew what you were gonna watch was for mature starkids only. “WHat about Lupin!!” couldn’t see the bulge. When I was 17, I went to see a play and a girl in it started stripping right down to her underwear, was just like seeing her in a bikini. The tags sexualised it but so did the bulge outline. He censored it on his story which kinda feels like he knew it was inappropriate. Something else that makes me very uncomfortable about this all is the Body Positivity argument. Now I have gender dysphoria, I have scars, I have stretch marks, acne, I’m so SO for body positivity. I rant so often about how fatphobia shouldn’t happen because weight doesn’t equal health. I’m not saying this is what he’s doing but that argument is used by actual groomers. Like y’know the fucks that groom children? i.e. onision (allegedly) where he’d say it’s just for body positivity and get children to send him pics of them in their underwear? You see why this is a dangerous argument here? I don’t think Robert’s intention was to do that but if you indirectly tell a bunch of teenagers posting pictures in their underwear is a good thing...I can’t be the only one making this link and the fact y’all defend this as “just shirtless pictures” is lowkey driving me wild. He apologised for the tags cause it was making fun of sex workers but please please please think of the risk. Please?  Starkid mess up, they’re human, please stop acting like they do nothing wrong and please stop acting like they’re cancelled forever with no redemption okay bye PS please let me know any trigger warnings to add <3

[eddiekasp]

Got any hcs for r + e realising that they like each other?

I loved this prompt so much I actually wrote a fic for it instead of HCs, hope that’s okay!

Btw, I felt like Richie’s love for Eddie was so inherent that it was almost second nature for him. I didn’t go into it that much in this fic, but you can assume Richie is ferociously in love with Eddie throughout the entirety of this fic LOL 

Read on AO3 here. 

– 

Eddie felt a lump in his throat. He was still trying to figure out whether that was from the distance he had biked from his house to Richie’s or a reaction indicating his body was betraying him. His mind had been itching all day. It started with, perhaps, an off-hand comment from his Ma. Nothing completely out of the ordinary, but there are days where her comments were taken better than others. 

She had been sitting in their plush living room while Eddie was rifling through a drawer in the kitchen nearby. Her thick legs, snaked with bulging blue veins, outstretched to the leg rest of her brown Lay-Z-Boy chair. The television blared loudly, a news anchor in a pressed suit and muted tie announced the death of a teenager in Florida. Ricky Ray, 15 years old, had succumbed to AIDS and “died peacefully” in his home after exhibiting a courageous battle with the still-mysterious disease. Eddie’s ears twitched towards the broadcast, listening just enough to hear the basis of the story. He shuffled uncomfortably, and continued to search for the good pair of scissors in the kitchen drawer. 

“Eddie Bear, did you hear?” came his mother’s voice in the other room. As though avoiding his grasp deliberately, the scissors seemed to slip further down into the drawer, further into the collection of pens, plastic floss toothpicks (Eddie had always thought they looked like mini slingshots), and extra wooden chopsticks collected from countless orders of Chinese takeout. He picked at the skin on his thigh absentmindedly. Fingers finally grasping the cool metal of the closed blades, he pulled out the scissors and walked to his Ma’s calling voice.

“That boy that’s been all over the news, the one with AIDS. He died,” she trailed off, clicking her tongue. After a moment’s thought, “Serves him right. There’s a reason God created that gay disease.” She flicked the remote to a channel showing some hospital soap opera and grabbed another powdered donut from the box she had purchased at the supermarket.  

“Want to watch with me, Eddie? I think Dallas is on next,” Sonia hummed, mouth rimmed with white sugar. Eddie swallowed thickly and didn’t say anything. He walked over to his Ma, kissed her on the cheek, and retreated to his bedroom upstairs.

He finally got the box he had been toying with open and sat back on his bed, heart racing. If his mother knew about him, about the things he was feeling and the things he thought about every night before he fell asleep, would she wish he’d gotten AIDS too? His palms felt clammy. He wished he didn’t have to go to church with her on Sunday.

His hands subconsciously reached for the phone receiver as he got up. Without a second thought, his thin fingers dialed a number he knew by heart. After two rings, a familiar voice, comforting in the same way grass tickling bare feet in the summer is comforting, answered.

“Why, if it isn’t my little Eddie Spaghetti. To what do I owe this pleasure?” said Richie Tozier, voice having grown more confident and strong after the start of high school. Why did Eddie’s hands seem to get even clammier? He wiped them on the side of his shorts, grossed out.

“Shut up, asshole. Can I come over? I’m sick of being here right now,” Eddie replied, his voice growing quieter in the last sentence. Richie sensed Eddie’s anxiety over the phone.

“Anytime. I’ll unlock the front door, so just come in.” Richie instructed, and Eddie mumbled a word of thanks before hanging up the phone.

Packing his bag and hoping his mom would allow him to stay the night, Eddie ran downstairs. He had been attempting (thanks to the encouragement of the Losers– Richie especially) to act more assertive towards his mother. Rather than whispering a request and relenting the second he got a “no,” he began to simply state what he was doing and try to leave before his mother got a chance to answer. When he got downstairs, he told his mom he was sleeping over at Richie’s house and would be back first thing in the morning. Through her discouragement, she finally subsided and he got on his bike.

When he got to Richie’s house, he slowly entered through the open front door to find that both of Richie’s parents had yet to return home. He climbed the carpeted stairs and knocked on Richie’s bedroom door. Since they had been kids, the wooden door had been laden with stickers, caution tape, and a piece of paper onto which “RICHIE’S ROOM! KEEP OUT OR AWAIT PAINFUL DEATH!” was crudely written.

“Come in,” Richie answered in a softer voice than usual. Eddie came in, taking off his shoes and putting them by the door as he closed it behind him. He noticed Richie peer up at him, and then quickly look back down at the bass guitar he was holding on his lap. Richie had recently taken up playing bass, and Eddie didn’t give him the satisfaction of telling him how cool he thought it really was.

Eddie sat on Richie’s bed and Richie came to join him after putting his bass back on the stand. Richie sat close enough to Eddie that their knees brushed, and Eddie felt a shiver go up his back. Richie, taking a deep breath, turned to look Eddie straight in the eyes and asked him what had happened.

“What makes you think something happened?” Eddie retorted, and Richie could see there was something he didn’t want to talk about.

“I won’t press you if you don’t wanna talk about it, Eds. But if you do, well… y'know.” Richie mumbled and stretched his arms up. Eddie tried not to peer at the way his t-shirt lifted slightly, and at the trail of black hair leading down from his belly button. It wasn’t that Eddie couldn’t confide in Richie. He knew that if it was something serious, Richie knew how to turn off the voices and annoying nicknames and listen and comfort. In fact, Eddie thought (maybe other than Bill) that Richie was the person who was the easiest to confide in. He wanted to let Richie in. He wanted Richie to hug him and tell him it was gonna be okay. Why did he want that?

“Just… my Ma. As usual.” Eddie choked a bit on his words, finding it hard to talk about the particular comment that had snagged onto him like a bur. He knew why his mother’s comment had gotten to him, but he wasn’t sure if he was ready to express that to Richie yet. God forbid Richie thought he was… well. He was. But God forbid Richie found out.

As though reading his mind, Richie put a long, thin arm around Eddie’s neck and pulled him in for a quick peck on the cheek. This was not unusual for them, but Eddie’s face burned hot as Richie pulled away. Richie thought he noticed Eddie lingering for a moment too long.

“I’m always here for you, Eds. You know that,” Richie whispered, a bit too serious for comfort. Eddie’s treasonous heart skipped a beat and he nodded.

Eddie had nearly given up on his physics homework when Richie came out of the shower later that evening. With nothing but a navy blue towel wrapped around his thin waist, he walked over to his drawer and dug out a pair of grey sweatpants. He pulled them on without a second thought and joined Eddie to sit on the edge of his bed. At once, Eddie began to complain about the difficulty of his homework, and dramatically fell back onto the bed. Richie laughed his bright laugh, and told him to forget it.

Eddie knew Richie couldn’t do anything without music playing in the background and observed as Richie dug through a box of CDs he kept under his bed. His mother hated the rock music he listened to, but usually respected Richie enough not to rummage through his things as she cleaned his room. His fingers finally landed on a CD, and he popped it into his player. After a few clicks, a song Eddie had heard Richie play as he drove them both to school came on. Richie kept the volume on low, however, rather than the absurdly loud volume that was typical for his driving.

Eddie felt his hands twitch as he observed a bead of water that hung on a ringlet of Richie's black hair. It grew heavy and fell, cascading down his pale and freckled back. Eddie’s eyes followed it’s trail as it sank further, between his shoulder blades and down the protruding bones of his spine. He sat back up.

Richie turned back around, nodding his head to the beat of the song. Red Hot Chilli Peppers’ “Suck My Kiss” streamed out of the small CD player, and Richie mimicked both the drums and the bass line of the song in time. Richie really was a pretty good musician, Eddie had to admit. Still, Eddie couldn’t hold back the laugh that bubbled in his throat as he watched his best friend pretending to be a rock star in nothing but a pair of sweats.

Richie laughed alongside Eddie, groping his nightstand for his glasses and telling Eddie that he’s been trying to learn this song on the bass for a couple days. Eddie told him he wanted to hear him play. Richie smiled blindingly and said he’ll show him once he gets it right.

Richie threw on a worn t-shirt and laid back on his bed. Eddie rolled over and pressed himself into Richie’s side, and Richie threw his arm around him again like it was nothing. It was as if Richie’s side was molded perfectly for Eddie after so many nights in the same position. Richie’s hair, freshly washed, smelled clean and Eddie scarcely held himself back from putting his face into the curls. Through the clean, a prickly smell of cigarette smoke lingered on Richie’s sheets as they always did. He wondered if Richie’s mom noticed when she changed his bedding. He felt a wave of warmth rush into his stomach. He wanted to stay like this forever.

He was in love with Richie Tozier.  

*****

When Eddie got the phone call from Mike Hanlon from Derry (fuck, was that still foreign), memories flooded him like sick waves of sewer water. Flashes of moments, some bright as sunlight and others red as blood, seemed to list through his mind like a dead man’s last moments on Earth. He reached for the aspirator that was searing a hole through its permanent place in his jeans pocket, thinking that if he didn’t get some goddamn air in his throat he’d burn from the inside out.

The flicker of sunlight reflecting off a pair of coke-bottle glasses.

The buzzing feeling in your ears after loud music is turned off suddenly. A bead of sweat tickling your temple. The glowing heat on your cheek after a peck.

The quick beating of your heart after your first real kiss.

The feeling of falling asleep in your jeans, your face against a warm back and the smell of cigarette smoke.

Richie. Richie.

Walking into Jade of the Orient, Eddie picked at the fabric of the jeans near his thigh, a habit he hadn’t indulged in since high school. He was about to see his childhood friends, people he hadn’t thought about since he left for college more than 20 years prior. He was going to see Richie.

“Holy shit,” was all Eddie could utter when he stepped into the private room and saw Bill and Mikey. His blood ran cold as he rushed in to hug the two of them. The hug was deep and consoling, and yet Eddie could not quell his rushing heart beat, nor the goosebumps that rose on all of his exposed skin. It was more than sheer nervousness; it was terrible fear.

And then Richie came in, sounding the large decorative Chinese gong that stood by the doorway. Eddie couldn’t prevent himself from jumping a foot into the air at the sound, his nerves already standing on end. When he turned around, his heart rose into his throat.

His and Richie’s eyes connected and he felt like he couldn’t breath. Was this what it felt like to be in love? He seemed to have forgotten.

He remembered now.

[quinnzscale]

Not that anyone asked, but I’ve been seeing makeup discourse going around lately and I kind of wanted to share my experience and relationship with makeup and how it has colored my relationship with my gender identity and presentation.

When I was a kid, I did a lot of theater, so I was introduced to makeup early, but it was expected from everyone. That said, it was very clear that most of the boys were expected to do the bare minimum of stage makeup, and the girls were expected to do a “beauty” look, given that most of the shows being done were quite old and gender-specific. Honestly, I never quite liked it, but I was solidly in my tomboy “all girly things are inherently bad” phase, proudly hating pink and gladly avoiding the romantic leads because I just wasn’t like other girls (oh, yeah, I was that middle schooler). I always wanted to play boy roles because I thought they fit me far better.

I didn’t know what a trans person was until I was about 12, and saw Chaz Bono on tv. I asked some questions and my parents were always willing to answer, which I count myself very lucky for. But it was the first I had heard that anyone could be a different gender than the one assigned at birth, and the first I’d heard of medical transitions.

A few years later, I recall breaking down in tears because I could never play my favorite characters, and I told my dad that I wanted to be a boy. My dad told me that it was a very superficial reason to change your body and I don’t think either of us realized the red flag that was for my future gender experimentation.

When I was 14, I came out as bisexual. I also started wearing makeup a little more, albeit in a very “emo-phase” way, black eyeliner like a raccoon to match my black beanie, side bangs and fingerless gloves. I was introduced to it by a cast mate in a show and I loved how my eyes looked. The more I experimented with makeup, the more I fell into a more feminine role, as that’s the way I thought it should be. If I’m the kind of girl who wakes up early to do makeup, I should also be doing my hair and dressing feminine and cute. But it was always a role.

When I was sixteen, I started dating a boy. I leaned into wearing dresses and lipstick, I leaned into a perfect girlfriend persona, I became what everyone wanted me to be. I thought I was happy. Until I spent time with myself. Until I spoke with my dad. Until I realized I didn’t love my boyfriend.

When I was eighteen, I came out as a lesbian. I became very vocal about it, but oddly, I found myself still in my dresses and flowy tops, long tresses and skirts. I even doubted that other people would know I was gay. I remember having a conversation with a close friend and she told me “no, you’re a classic femme. Don’t worry about it.” So I said “oh, that must be what I am.” And I became that. But I was still playing to other people’s perceptions. I started to become more concerned with “natural makeup,” not being too flashy but still gorgeous. Leaning into classic makeup and dress because this is what I was supposed to be.

When I was twenty, I met this boy in college. We became close friends, and eventually ended up sleeping together a couple times. My attraction to him put me in a state of crisis. I didn’t think I liked guys, but here I was. Did I only say lesbian because I thought it would make the breakup easier?

By this point I had started getting a lot more adventurous and experimental with makeup. I considered it an art form for myself. I wasn’t wearing it for society, or because I thought I needed it. In fact, I went to class quite often bare-faced and thought nothing of it.

I ended up thinking a lot about my gender and sexuality, as I felt less and less comfortable with being called a woman or a girl and more and more leaning towards masculine looks, and quietly stopped calling myself a lesbian, and defaulting to gay. But I always did my makeup the way I wanted to.

Then COVID hit.

Spending this much time with myself made me reevaluate everything. I began to feel as uncomfortable as I was before but now I was able to identify it as dysphoria. I worried that makeup was what made me feel this way, but after a few weeks of bare face, it occurred to me it was not my issue. It was my long hair, my feminine clothes.

I am twenty-one, and I came out as a non-binary person just last month. I have cut my hair and I am in the process of revamping my wardrobe to make me feel more comfortable. I love makeup as much as I did before, but I feel more free about it, despite feeling like I have to remind people that makeup isn’t inherently feminine. I definitely understand that women have been forced into these roles, being expected to wear makeup. As someone who grew up AFAB, I spent a lot of my teenage years being hyper aware of it.

People express themselves in different ways, and makeup is never a must. No one should ever have to wear it if they don’t want to. Makeup is my expression but I’m not wearing it to live up to the expectations of a world who sees me as a woman. It’s part of my existence as an enby, and no one can take that from me. But I make my own post and don’t comment on those women sharing the trauma associated with makeup culture. Because their experiences are valid, the culture surrounding makeup is often shitty, and hopping in to say “well, I wear makeup because I like it and not to adhere to society” undermines the point of these posts.

[chibistarlyte]

sexuality stuff under the cut

a trans friend of mine shared a post on facebook about bisexual awareness week (which is sept 16-23 i guess? so now?) but the comment they made when they shared the post reads the following:

“honestly, with my views on the gender spectrum, terms like this that make it seem like gender is binary really bother me

that being said, however, there are people in my life that identify with being bi and i want to say that i see you, and love you dearly! enjoy your awareness week! [heart emojis]”

and i’m just like

torn, i guess

like, on the one hand, i totally get that they identify outside of the gender binary and they’ve had a really tumultuous time coming to terms with their gender and have been in constant question about it since childhood so their gender, and the concept of the gender binary in general, is a very sensitive thing for them

but on the other hand...

there’s always so much fuckin discourse about how bisexuality is inherently transphobic because of the “bi” part but pretty much every time i see someone define it, or describe their identity as bi, it’s “attraction to two or more genders.” and that’s how i’ve come to understand my own bi-ness (i typically don’t use the term bisexual since i’m bi ace, but i’ll use the bi- part), as not being attracted to just the two genders, but the two genders society has put into the binary plus other genders. fuck, even just a quick google search for the definition of bisexual says “ sexually attracted not exclusively to people of one particular gender”

and i get so tired of seeing people say that us bi folks are transphobic because nyehnyeh BI MEANS TWO WHICH IS BINARIST nyehnyeh when it...literally just means attraction to more than one gender? and at least for me personally, i feel more comfortable identifying as bi rather than pan because i’ve known about my bi-ness since i was a teenager and have just always used that term, and thus it’s the one most comfortable for me

so to hear this friend basically say “hey i’m uncomfortable with how you identify yourself but hey happy awareness week!” just seems so fuckin backhanded and unsupportive. i just feel like shit about it. as if i didn’t already have to deal with all this internalized homophobia at myself and didn’t get shit from the lgbtq+ community already for “not being gay enough” and for being “straight passing” because i’m a bi woman in a relationship with a cishet dude...like...i’m already erased enough in my own community, i don’t need to be told that i’m transphobic too just because of the fucking word i use to identify myself

it just hurts, man