#it's really weird talking about their body like some kind object on live TV show

[aquavierra]

No one can't really describe how freakin' bad I feel, how uncomfortable and how weird it is to see attractive male celebrities got sexualized and harassed on screen. Also, to add salt on the wounds, the audiences just laugh. Here, I am pinching the bridge of my nose because I've experienced it as a woman and how concerning it is that people take sexualization of men as jokes.

[kkyujikoo]

These are my... 2...? Maybe 50, cents about the whole "freejk" thing. I'm gonna be extremely petty and at some points a whole lot sarcastic and it's gonna be long but I had to say it. As soon as I get my computer I'm gonna make it under read more, but the app does whatever it wants, as we know.

Listen, this ain't my first fan rodeo, and not even the first fan rodeo where I've been directly or indirectly accused of being some sort of pervert or delulu. I've been in fandom spaces since I was a teen, I was shipping mlm couples when queerbaiting in TV shows was still something that was seen as the norm rather than some cheap disgusting trick. I was there when fanfic spaces saw "slash" fics as something "different" and to be tagged with a more mature rating even when they just looked at each other.

I was in BBC's Sherlock's fandom and I shipped Johnlock during the hiatus between S3 and S4, at this point I'm not even feeling it when people call me delulu or a weirdo.

So, yeah, take this with a grain of salt: as a person who has seen thousands of times fandom drama unfolding and has lived too much of it... This whole situation is so ridiculous it makes me laugh. Like, yeah, it's maddening how people will blame anyone and everyone because they don't even see their own bias and homophobia, granted, but like... It also makes me laugh for the sheer dumbassery of the reasoning behind it all?

Like... Y'all are getting mad and for what? Because it sure as hell isn't the invasion of privacy, since y'all are watching the same content we're all watching and you're paying to see it the same way everyone else is. If you don't want to "invade their privacy", you should just... Stop watching content that isn't their music videos, RUN episodes or interviews. Memories and any kind of dvd/video that shows what they're doing behind the scenes shouldn't be part of their job as musicians, and therefore we're intruding in their privacy... Or aren't we?

Or maybe it's more nuanced than that: maybe the content they release on dvd/on their official channels is part of their job as entertainers, and it's been approved, and it's a small window THEY are granting us.

You know what's the REAL invasion of privacy and what REALLY invalidates someone autonomy? When you, who maybe aren't even paying to see that content (which is something I understand, like, dude, I'm not covered in money either), DEMAND what kind of behind the scenes content you want when I swear ABSOLUTELY NO ONE has asked you. Once again: you don't like it? You think it's some huge invasion of privacy? Don't buy it. Don't interact with it. Convince your friends to do the same. For all I care, just go and petition to boycott this kind of content. I know you won't do it, because... That's the thing, isn't it? It's not the invasion of privacy that bothers these people.

Y'all aren't mad because we get into their business or else you would have gotten real mad when we were privy to REAL private moments like people crying their hearts out.

No, no. Y'all are mad because it's "shipping content" and "fanservice" which apparently bothers you because it lacks authenticity.

Pick a side, lovelies: either you DON'T want to invade their privacy, and thus all the content they release should be focused on what fans want to see, or you WANT to know how they interact TRULY in private.

And here's the catch: "shipping content" can be anything. Shipping existed WAAAAAYYY before the word for it was invented, same way with fanfictions. Shipping means, literally, "seeing two (or more) people interact and thinking they would make a good romantic pair". That's it. That's quite literally it. Everything else is just some nuance of the concept of shipping, but at its core, it's nearly impossible to ban all shipping content when it's a group of seven people, because they should for real go in social distancing mode to do so. Most people who have parasocial relationships tend to have "ships" whether they know it or not, because we've all, at least once, looked at a dynamic from the outside and thought "oh man they look cute together". So, even if, o dear ones, your wishes were granted... What the hell do you mean by "shipping" content? Should they just film solo clips, avoiding talking about the other members? But wouldn't that be fanservice, since it's focused on pleasing the fans? (Which, ultimately, is what fanservice MEANS, and I hate to break it to y'all but the whole concept behind entertainment and thus all the content BTS releases it's... For the fans. Like, they're not going out of their way to just meet our expectations but they're certainly doing fanservice by the mere act of releasing bonus content.)

But it's not even quite that, is it? Because no one bats an eye if it's Tae kissing Nj's cheek. I've seen no hashtag against everyone - and I mean literally every one of them - wolf whistling at Nj. It's okay to show intimacy... Because they're bandmates and it's okay to be close to someone who you see basically 24/7, I hear you. And it's also okay when people see that and gush over that closeness, because it's such a nice thing to see.

Soooooo... We've got to free JK from whom exactly? From what?

Are y'all mad cause people pointed out there's very little way a bruise that stayed for a whole ass night could be a quick bite? Because that doesn't harm jk, at most makes fun of him and jimin and their poor excuses (seriously, guys, next time consider using mosquitoes or "I was doing stuff". It'll be equally embarrassing but at least the meme will be funny), and it's literally... A fair observation. Like. It's a hickey, people are gonna make jokes about seeing a hickey and poor excuses of covering it up in the exact same way they're gonna make jokes over jimin falling out of chairs. And yeah, a hickey is AT LEAST something that happens in a sensual context. Like, I could understand "people who are extremely familiar with each other will have different body language/touch in areas where usually you wouldn't see friends touching each other", but that's not. Not a hand on the thigh. It's a hickey on the neck. I don't even know a more stereotypical placing for a hickey. But once again, are y'all mad because someone is pointing it out? Because that's not being delulu or even being a shipper, really, it's just commenting on something that was approved to be shown and discussed in something that was released BY THEM.

Are y'all mad at hybe for showing something that literally fell onto their hands? Cause like, unless someone (I'm counting on Jimin, since as we know Jungkook was busy spinning him round and round and had both his hands busy) called at hybe headquarters to say "yo bang pd substitute, is it okay if I give my friend jk here a hickey? Cause he's being really annoying rn and he has to pay", I highly doubt anyone expected Jungkook to come to rehearsal all neatly marked up. Or idk, maybe someone at hybe asked them "we need Jungkook to come in with a hickey but refuse to say it's a hickey, so that fans will feel reeeeally served." That sounds perfectly plausible too. Or a good marketing strategy.

Now, if you're a big company and your objective is to have some footage of the rehearsals for a concert, and the fandom is too good at noticing stuff for their own good, and one of your artists comes in with a very visible mark, and he and his bff bropal4lyfe come n with a story about how they were playing and a bite happened, you've got three choices: 1. Cut the artist out of aaaaalll the footage. Someone would have noticed the "bite mark" anyway, you best believe that. If you don't want anyone to notice it, you gotta cut him in most of the footage where it's visible. 2. Keep the hickey, discard the explanations. You could do that, but also it would feel a lot more unfaithful to everyone involved. Also they clearly worked their ass off to invent an explanation, come on! They truly tried to do their best inventing something that was not "it's a mosquito bite", they should get some credit! 3. Keep the bite, keep the explanation.

Notice how none of these solutions include the biting never happening because... They couldn't prevent it? The only thing they have any control over is how they're framing each "accident". And that's not an easy job.

I applaud you, people on the editing team.

So... On whom should we cast the blame now? Ah, yes, I think it's finally time for the ultimate scapegoat of this fandom: Jimin. Which is funny, cause... You know... If this were really about privacy, or being "victims" of shipping... This should be about freeing him too, you know? But obviously Jimin does it for attention, while Jungkook, poor angel that he is, doesn't even know what shipping is.

Furthermore, don't we all know how much Jimin imposes himself in Jungkook's life? To the point where he, multimillionaire man feels compelled to share a car with Jimin even if they're both late in the process. And can't you see how uncomfortable he is, draping himself over Jimin, making Jimin drap himself over him?

Oh lordy, truly such an awful eight years Jungkook spent, choosing to have vacations with someone who made him uncomfortable, spending free time with him, even having to suck his ear in public to the point you can see his saliva just because Jimin was sad :( truly an all-around bad time for Jungkook, as evidenced by alllll those times when he said Jimin was pretty, cute, and all-around knowing every little thing about Jimin. I absolutely concur, the dude would be so much more happy if jimin was not in his life.

Did that sound weird and absolutely ridiculous and a really absurd joke? Because that's what y'all sound like to me. Like. Jungkook is out there living his best life, getting hickeys and showered in affection and y'all paint him as a fucking martyr??? I'm sure he's really truly desperate that Jimin holds him in such high regards 😭😭😭 I can see him suffering whenever he starts doing his own serendipity rendition 😭😭 and when he claimed you are me, I am you as his and Jimin's only 😭😭😭 I cannot believe this poor baby 😭😭😭

I've reached a point where every time I hear this stuff I laugh because the levels of twisting reality when it comes to jikook are extraordinary, Jungkook will have a literally blissed out face and people will cry in outrage.

But coming back to my point: let's pretend you're not mad at Jimin and the possibility that jikook are dating: are y'all mad... At the hickey? Because at this point it seems like the only feasible solution. And if you are, do not worry: I'm sure Jungkook's skin was throughly healed by his boo. A kiss soothes even the worst pain, doesn't it?

[themonotonysyndrome]

REDACTED verse - Sadism & Trolling (Vega Headcanons)

NGL, I’m gonna be straight with y’all...

I miss Vega! And uh, since I've been listening to his videos lately, I wanted to write a oneshot for him until I decided on some headcanons at the last minute. 

I'm not sure what role the Inchoate Daemon Listener in his more recent videos would play in the future, so I tried my hands on writing his 'lover'. I always wanted to write a morally dubious Listener anyway! 

So this is entirely separate from the Inchoate Daemon Listener. 

Vega calls his Listener 'Hamster' for their snacking habits. He would only calls you 'Dear heart' when he's feeling vulnerable or in intimate situations. 

He meets them before Ivan's story. He was actually walking around humans for a change of pace, feeding on the faint lingering negative emotions hovering around the park. It's the human equivalent of getting a cup of coffee in the morning to kickstart their day.

Suddenly, Vega felt intense and strange emotions coming from somewhere in the area. It's a combination of righteous fury, hurt and glee. 

He tracks the owner of the maelstrom to find you. A lone human sitting on a bench underneath a tall, shady tree. Your expression is a total contrast to what you're feeling. It's calm and almost bored. 

After using magic to do some digging and breaching personal privacy, Vega found out that you plan an act of horrible revenge on a cheating partner. He sticks around to watch it all play out. 

He loved the show. So much so he claims you as his charge. 

However, jokes on him; you're a passive and lazy person. Your default setting is living life operating on the least amount of brain cells and effort. So after feeding on your heartbreak from the breakup, Vega has no idea what the fuck to do with you. 

So he subtly pulls the strings around you in hopes to get you to feel upset or at least annoyed; coffee spilt on your work laptop, someone bought that last slice of your favourite cake, bad internet connection at home, anything! 

But the most you'd (unknowingly) give him is a sigh before you look for something else to occupy your time. To Vega, he feels like a first-time owner to a pet that isn't behaving as it should be. You're like a hamster running in its ball, utterly oblivious of the world outside.  

When you do react emotionally, it's like a wildfire - a roaring and unapologetic blaze that will burn for days. Especially when it comes to negative emotions. However, it takes such a long time to build up and rarely does it even spark. Honestly, to you, working up to such a passionate response is a hassle. 

Unfortunately for Vega, he realises this a little too late. 

The two of you officially meet when you begin to notice that certain objects around the house aren't exactly where they should be. Like how the coffee cup that you instinctively put away from the laptop is now right next to it when you came out of the bathroom. How you can never find your favourite red mug or t-shirt despite you just wash them. 

Slowly but surely, you feel like you suddenly gain an invisible annoying and unwanted roommate. 

Vega detects your annoyance and plans to 'farm' it, only for it to hilariously backfire when you begin to hit up the local priests to discuss about an exorcism and thus, raise a potential covert risk. 

When he first appeared in front of you, your immediate action was to grab a baseball bat, shock and indignation flare within you. 

"So you're the fucking bastard that has been eating my fucking Pringles!" 

"What!? No! And I swear to any God you believe in, I’ll make you regret it if you swing that thing at me."

“Hah! Is that a challenge!? Buy back my snacks. Now. Before I break your bones and sell them to the black market!”

"News flash, Hamster: you're the one who's been eating all of them. Those after midnight snacks? What? Did you think you were sleep-eating?" 

"Who are you calling hamster!?"

"Of course, that's the one you have a problem with..." 

Do you know that one Tv Trope? The 'savvy guy, energetic girl' and 'monster and the maiden'? You and Vega are something in-between, where Vega is determined to feed on you, his charge, while you make it your life mission to be his biggest inconvenience ever. 

That being said, there's a lot of things you share in common with him. For one thing, you live by the 'not my circus, not my monkey' rule, so you don't particularly care what Vega does outside of your life as long as it doesn't cause you any problems. 

You both can be petty AF, and if one is petty, the other will automatically prepare for the other's revenge. 

Vega likes to give you shit for being an Unempowered Human, and in return, you would do everything in your power to piss him off. EX: You’ll make a joke about his shoe size. You know what they say, small shoes mean small... package. And besides, he's a Daemon, right? Doesn't that mean he has hooves? 

Both of you toed the line between violence and resignation, which is impressive that you're still alive. You made it clear to him that if he wants to take you down, you'll take him down with you, and Vega can respect that. 

Vega starts to catch feelings for you after you blackmail him into going to the cinema with you because there's a discount on the tickets for a pair of friends/couple. He's shocked to find that he enjoyed himself that night. 

As for you, you start to feel fond of him when he orchestrated a string of misfortune on your asshole of a colleague. He never once admit it, but at that point, you could read his body language and behaviours rather well. How could you not when your colleague’s series of unfortunate events result in a whole week of nothing but good vibes for you.

Neither you nor Vega confesses your feelings, but you ended up in a romantic relationship nonetheless.

Vega has never fallen in love before, so this emotion is very strange and new for him. From his annoying charge, you've become his most cherished person in the world. 

Vega protects you the only way he knows how. By making the people who upset you miserable or just straight up terminate their trial period of existence. As a Sadism Daemon, Vega is very well aware of the stigma that comes with his kind, and it really doesn't help that he loves what he does, so you have to rein him in from time to time. 

On that note, expect this Daemon to be possessive as hell. No matter what you do around the house, Vega would attach himself to you. Oh, you're working on the couch with the laptop on your lap? He'll move you so you'll sit on his lap while he watches TV. You're relaxing in the bathtub? Scoot forward, he wants to sit behind you. If you're talking to a friend on the phone, he'll peppered kisses and leave hickies on your neck in an attempt for you to end the call. If he could, he would hide you from the world itself so only he could have you. So please stomp on his feet when he starts to sweetly suggest you disappear with him. 

If it's raining at night, both of you would silently lie on the bed together, just basking in one the other's presence. If you fall asleep first, Vega will turn you into his little spoon.

In terms of dating and due to his possessive and protective nature, most of your dates would be in your home. Movie marathons, him playing as your audience for your video game matches, monopoly sessions ending up in a messy divorce sitcom or just napping together. Good for you if you're a homebody. If you're the outgoing type? Good luck; you'll need to be as persuasive as him to budge Vega. The most Vega is willing to go are breakfast/lunch/dinner dates. The fewer eyes on you, the better. 

It's not long before Vega stops feeding on you entirely. He only takes a few destructive emotions that overwhelm you and help you work the rest out in a healthy manner. 

That's when he starts to think about spending his forever with you. 

Don't be mistaken, though; Vega is still a sadism Daemon that doesn’t take kindly to those getting in his way but to you? His one happiness in life? He's your loyal lover. 

-

OK. I might have gone a bit crazy with Vega but in my defence, I had like 3 mugs of tea and a tub of Belgian chocolate ice-cream and ramen last night after midnight plus a weird longing for him. 

It’s weird. 

[totallysharkycomplete]

Waiting For You Part Four (Ford Pines x Reader) Our Year

Before the twins arrived she helped Stan set up the attic for them. She also made sure there was plenty of food and snacks. Also, she helped make sure the shack was tween proof, and there were no signs of the supernatural or paranormals.

Stan had hired help in the gift shop for the summer, which was new. Besides Soos who had been around for a few years now. He claimed it was because you were both so close to getting Ford back, and the kids would be enough work.

Life wasn’t much different with the twins around, maybe more fun, but not too different. Mabel decided to call her their honorary Grant. The only difference being having to wait until the kids were asleep before she and Stan head down into the basement.

She tried to distance herself at first, allowing time for Stan to bond with his grand niece and nephew. When Stan told her he was going to take the kids fishing she decided to stay home and work. A few days after that there was a loud crash and Soos announced that he had found a random hidden room.

Everything in her started to panic that he had somehow found Ford’s room, but was relieved when she saw it was those creepy wax figures Stan had forgotten about.

“Why are these in here?” Dipper asks.

“They stopped attracting tourists so Stan put them away. Also,” She leans down to Dipper to whisper. “I think they were kinda haunted.” She only half jokes. They had always given her the creeps.

“I thought you didn’t believe in stuff like that.” Dipper quirked an eyebrow.

Stan and her had agreed to play off all the weird stuff in Gravity Falls to try and keep the kids away from it.

“I don’t.” She lies.

---------- When Mabel announces she has been spending time with Gideon she advies her against it. “Mabel, not to be rude, I know he’s only a child, but he’s kind of insane. Also, he’s kind of like your Gunkle Stan's nemesis.”

Mabel ignores her warning. A few days later however she came back to admit she was right.

“Mabel, I know you’re very boy crazy at this age. You’ll quickly learn that if a guy makes you feel uncomfortable or creeps you out you shouldn’t force yourself to be around them.” She offers Mabel a Pitt Cola which she happily accepts.

“He was really nice until he was really creepy.” Mabel sighs.

“Some boys are just like that.” She tells her.

“What about you? You’re so beautiful and nice. Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” Mabel sits up, excited for an answer.

Her thumb comes up to fidget with the back of her ring. “Well, Mable, I…”

“Oh my gosh!” Mabel jumps up. “Is it because you’re in love with Grunkle Stan?”

She can’t help but laugh, causing Mabel to frown. “I’m sorry, Mabel, but no. I love Stan, yes. But I have absolutely no romantic feeling for him.”

“Don’t worry, by the end of this summer I’ll find you a boyfriend for sure!” Mabel doesn't listen as she protests, and scurries off. ---------- For some reason unbeknownst to her Stan decides to throw a party at the shack. When she asks him a reason all he replies with is, “Money!” Which seems about right to her.

She avoids the party for the most part. Taking the opportunity to sneak into the basement to tighten bolts and detangle wires. It's really all she can do at this point until the other journals are found.

When the party is over Stan makes his way to the basement. “You been down here all night?” She nods. “I could use some help cleaning up from the party.” She agrees to help since there is nothing left for her to do.

She starts throwing cups in the trash can and sweeping up. She unconsciously sighs.

“What’s that for?” Stan asks.

“What’s what for?” She replies.

“The sighing, am I too boring for you?” He jokes.

She stops cleaning and looks at him. “What else can we do, Stan? I feel like I’m just sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting for something to happen. I’ve spent hours in the woods looking for the journals, hours looking around town, in the shack, but I always come back empty handed. I just don’t know what to do next.”

Stan walks over to her and takes the broom from her hands and sets it to the side, then wraps her in a hug. She hugs him back. “All we can do is keep on living our lives. We’ve done all that we can. I’m not saying we should give up or nothing, but right now we just have to live in the present ya’ know?”

She sniffs. “I know. It’s just so hard to, when it feels like we’re so close.” She put her chin on his chest to look at him.

He smiles. “I know what you mean.” He pauses for a second. “But right now, how ‘bout a dance? Didn’t get one all night.” Stan moves to turn on a slow song, before moving back to her and taking her hands.

She laughs but doesn't argue, laying her head against his chest. They slowly sway to the music.

“This year will be our year, promise.” Stan whispers. ---------- She’s sitting on the dinosaur skull talking to Stan when the twins come barling into the room arguing about having separate rooms. She can’t but smile and wonder if Ford and Stan were like this as kids. Right as Stan is explaining there’s not another room there’s a loud crash and Soos announces, yet again, he’s found a secret room.

Everyone makes their way to go see, and to her dismay she sees it’s Ford’s room. She watches as Stan walks in and grabs Ford’s glasses and tucks them into his sleeve while lying about not knowing what the room was.

She’s so lost in thought that she doesn’t even remember experiment 78, and how she had spent the day in Ford’s body before they figured out they could switch back.

She's leaning against the door frame watching as Stan tells the kids he’ll give the room to whoever sucks up to him the most. Even though she’s feeling upset seeing this room for the first time in a year she can’t help but laugh at Stan’s antics.

As the kids are off scrambling to reshackle the roof she sits across from Stan at the table. “Really?”

He smirks. “What? Just a little friendly competition among siblings.”

She lets out a laugh. “Were you and Ford like that?”

Stan looks at her smiling, but frowns a little before pulling a fake smile. “We, uh, we were best friends our whole childhood. As inseparable as kids can get.” He thinks for a second. “Did you ever want to have kids?”

She looks down at the table wistfully. “I did,” she says with a sad kind of smile. “We did,” she corrects herself. “We had talked about having kids once we weren’t so busy with work.

Stan can’t help but feel guilty. Maybe if he had never answered his brother letter her and Ford would be happily married with a family of their own.

“Don’t think like that Stan.” She frowns.

“Like what?” He tries to play dumb.

“I’ve spent almost every moment with you the last thirty years. I can read you like a book, old man.” She smiles at him now and reaches across the table to hold his hand. He grumbles but doesn’t pull away. “You know I love you, Stan. I don’t hold anything that happened against you, I’ve told you before.”

She pulls her hand away as Mabel runs into the room and starts talking to Stan. She gives him a smile before leaving the room.

Later she finds Stan sitting in his arm chair in front of the television. His favorite show is on, but he’s focused on the object in his hands. Ford’s glasses. Silently, she walked to sit on the dinosaur skull beside him and wrap an arm around him. They both look down at the glasses in silence. ---------- At first, she finds Dipper’s Guide to the Unexplained charming. He reminds her a lot of Ford. Charming, until he starts to point the attention to her.

“She’s lived without Grunkle for who knows how long. They aren’t married or romantically involved, yet she wears a wedding ring. Could she actually be the ghost of a lonely widow who died in this house?” Dipper came up with a whole bunch of crazy theories. He followed her around with a camera until she finally had to tell him to stop.

She pulled him aside to talk to him. “Dipper, listen. Your grukle and I are friends, and roommates. We live together because neither of us want to live alone.”

“But your ring.” Dipper begins to ask.

“My ring,” she gives him a sad smile. “Dipper my fiance gave me this ring and he’s… no longer with us.”

Dipper’s face turned white as he began apologizing.

“Dipper it’s alright. I’m sure you’ll find a real mystery in this town if you keep looking.” ---------- A few days later she's reading in her room when Stan calls her and the kids to the living room. “I need you to laugh at this with me!” He motions to the little Gideon commercial on the tv.

Her heart sinks as the commercial shows the Mystery Shack being destroyed by the tent of telepathy.

Dipper asks if they should be worried about that but Stan assures him the only way Gideon could take the shack was if he snuck in and stole the deed. There’s a loud crash and Stan gets up and you follow to find Gideon had actually broken in. Stan ends up chasing him out with a broom but Gideon gives a grave warning about how when he gets the combination to his safe, Stan will never see the Mystery Shack again.

She stops Stan as he locks the safe again. “Is it really safe? Should we move it to the basement?”

He put a hand on her shoulder. “The combination is in my brain, sweetheart. There’s no way he can get it there.”

For a second her mind thinks of Bill, but he’s been gone since Ford disappeared. She decided against mentioning it to him and trusts Stan to know what he’s doing. Unfortunately, she's asleep in her room when Bill invades Stan’s mind and the twins and Soos enter his brain.

While in his brain Mabel opens a door to see Stan slow dancing with their ‘honorary Grant.’ “Are we sure they aren’t in love?” She questions before moving on.

She came into the living room to see everyone cheerful, Dipper had his grunkle in a choke hold, and she smiled. Suddenly there was an explosion knocking everyone backwards. Gideon walked in with the deed in his hands.

Dipper looks confused and says something about Bill. Her heart drops at the thought of the twins having to have had to deal with him.

They flee from the shack and all they can do is watch as a wrecking ball knocks over the sign for the Mystery Shack. ---------- The new living situation was less than ideal. Staying with Soos and his grandmother was only a temporary solution until they got the shack back.

While Gideon held a press conference Stan, the kids, and Soos watched from the front, she tried to sneak in the back. However they were both caught and thrown off the property.

Back at Soos’s house she stood in the kitchen with Stan while he called the twin’s parents. She watched as he blatantly lied to them. He hangs up the phone with a sigh and she walks over and pulls him into a hug.

“What are we going to do, Stan?” She whispers.

“We’ll do what we have to.” ---------- She was right by his side as he explained to the kids that he had to send them home. It broke your heart just as much as his to see how upset they were. She was surprised to hear him say Gideon won before he stormed out, she followed him out the door.

“You didn’t mean all that.” She confronts Stan when she catches up to him. “I know you didn’t. Stan we’re so close.”

“What do you want me to say? What can we even do? We’ve lost the shack, the kids have to go home, and we’ve lost the portal!” He shouts but not loud enough for anyone else to hear.

“We can’t just give up.” She sniffs.

Stan calms himself when he sees she's about to cry, and gives her a hug. ---------- She gives both twins a teary goodbye before boarding the bus. “I love you two. Thank you for making this summer so memorable. I’m sorry it got cut short.” She plants a kiss to each of their heads before they board the bus.

She stands with Stan as they watch their bus drive away.

Back at Soos’s house she scribbles down ideas on how to get the house back, while Stan sits on the couch to wallow in his self pity. He grumbles something about hitting rock bottom and having no friends, no family.

“What am I, chopped liver?” She jokes, biting her pen in thought. He apologizes.

He stares at the Gideon pin in his hand before announcing he knows Gideon's weakness and tells you to hurry up as he runs out the door. ---------- Stan exposes Gideon for the fraud he is. They get the shack back and the twins get to stay. Even better, Stan tells her he’s found journal number two. She can’t stop from crying when he tells her.

Stan checks on the kids while she's checking on the portal. She doesn’t come up all night, until Stan comes down with journal number three.

“Is this real?” She asks in disbelief. “All three? We have all three journals after one day?”

“We have them all.” He confirms and flips them open to the corresponding pages. She watches as Stan examines the pages and presses some buttons, and the portal lights up. “It’s working!” He exclaims. Running towards the portal and she follows.

“Here we go.” ---------- It’s not long until gravity anomalies begin to happen.

“It won’t be long now.” Stan stated.

She smiled wide and nodded. --------- The next day when government vehicles showed up she tried her best to keep her calm. Stan kept his cool and they left.

“I thought this would happen.” She confessed when they’re alone. “The gravity anomalies happened back in the 80’s when we got the portal working but the government was less observant then.”

“Don’t stress it. Soon we'll have Ford back and we won’t have to worry about the government.” Stan grunts.

She tries not to stress but it doesn't really work. She decided to help distract herself by helping Stan set up for the party. They deserved to celebrate getting the shack back. However, she can’t but notice Dipper sneaking off to Stan’s room. She goes to tell Stan right away.

She agrees to keep an eye on the party while Stan goes to check the portal. Everything is going well until the earth starts to shake. It’s not time for this yet, she thinks and checks her watch. Everyone runs off and she makes her way over to stand by Mabel, when Dipper comes running around the corner a hoard of zombies behind him. She orders everyone inside and keeps the zombies away from the kids the best she can without a weapon. They end up trapped in the gift shop and one grabs Dipper. Before she can do anything Stan shows up to save the day. When they are almost safe in the attic Dipper says there’s no way you and his Grunkle Stan can deny the thing that goes on in Gravity Falls anymore.

“Kid, I’ve always known.” Stan confesses. Dipper looks at you and you nod.

“We thought the best way to keep you two safe from it was to deny its existence. We see that was wrong now.” She frowns.

After the whole karaoke ordeal is over Stan has the twins promise not to go looking for problems, Stan lies and promises he has no more hidden secrets. ---------- She stands by Stan as he pours the fuel into the machines.

“Everyday it’s getting stronger.” He comments as his pen, mug, and notebook fly through the portal. She grabs his arm and steps back. Her eyes were wide.

“Haha, yes!” Stan shouts and raises his hand up. A stray metal bar flies up and hits him in the hand.

“This is so dangerous.” She sighs while bandaging his hand.

“I don’t care if it’s dangerous. I don’t care how long it takes. We’re gonna pull this off, and no ones going to get in our way.” He says determined.

She nods, just as determined. ---------- Stan and her work countless late nights. Finally Stan poured the last of the fuel into the machine. “That should be just enough to do the trick.” Just as he says that the timer begins.

The two of them put the final touches on the machine and Stan hits the button. The portal lights up and begins to whir into life.

“Yes! This is it!” His hat began to rise off his head.

She grabs on the nearest desk to keep herself on the ground. In a few seconds gravity returns and she lands back on her feet. “Just eighteen more hours?”

“Eighteen more hours and this will all have been worth it. Stan straps on his watch with a synced up timer. “Finally, everything changes today.”

They share a smile together. ---------- Stan says he’s going to spend the day with the kids, but she refuses to leave the basement. The kids ask where she is and he just says she’s not feeling well so she’s laying down in bed.

She's standing near the portal but at a safe distance. “Just ten more minutes.” She fidgets with her ring. While staring at the portal she doesn’t notice Soos and the kids. They don’t notice her right away either.

She checks her watch. “Two more minutes. Where the hell is Stan?” Looking around she looks back in the control room to see the kids and Soos. “What the hell?”

They walk into the portal room and gasp. “Kids, Soos, you can’t be here. You need to leave now.”

“There! Dipper yells and runs to the override keys.” Before she can run over and stop them, they turn them.

She moves to stand in front of the emergency off switch. “Stop! You don’t understand!” Soos grabs her and holds her to the side. She tries to wiggle away but can’t get out of his grasp. “Stop! Please!” She cries as Dipper almost hits the button.

Stan burts into the room and stops him before he does think. Dipper begins to argue with Stan when gravity fails.

They’re all lifted into the air. She's holding onto the timer as Mabel makes her way to the kill switch. She is frozen in fear, but Stan launches himself forward and convinces Mabel to trust him. There’s a blinding light and a figure steps out of the portal.

“The author of the journals. My brother!”

[ivy-xvioletx]

“Q&A’s”

Questions to ask 😎

-What is the funniest name you have actually heard used in the real world? What is the sexiest and least sexy name?

-What sport would be the funniest to add a mandatory amount of alcohol to?

-What movie would be greatly improved if it was made into a musical?

-If your five-year-old self suddenly found themselves inhabiting your current body, what would your five-year-old self do first?

-What is something that everyone looks stupid doing?

-What is something that is really popular now, but in 5 years everyone will look back on and be embarrassed by?

-What would be the hat to end all hats?

-What could you wear on your head that would make people stop what they are doing and stare in awe and amazement?

-If animals could talk, which would be the rudest?

-In 40 years, what will people be nostalgic for?

-What inanimate object do you wish you could eliminate from existence?

-What are some things that are okay to occasionally but definitely not okay to do every day?

-What is the weirdest thing you have seen in someone else’s home?

-Who do you know that really reminds you of a character in a TV show or movie?

-What would be the coolest animal to scale up to the size of a horse?

-What is the most embarrassing thing you have ever worn?

-What part of a kid’s movie completely scarred you?

-What used to be considered trashy but now is very classy?

-If you were arrested with no explanation, what would your friends and family assume you had done?

-What’s the most ridiculous fact you know?

-What set of items could you buy that would make the cashier the most uncomfortable?

-What is the funniest joke you know by heart?

-What are the unwritten rules of where you work?

-What is something that you just recently realized that you are embarrassed you didn’t realize earlier?

-What is the funniest corporate / business screw up you have heard of?

-If you die and find out that everyone gets to choose a twelve-foot by twelve-foot square to stay in alone for eternity without being able to influence or contact the living world, what twelve-foot by twelve-foot square would you choose?

-What’s the best type of cheese?

-What kind of cult would you like to start?

-In one sentence, how would you sum up the internet?

-First think of a product. Now, what would be the absolute worst brand name for one of those products?

-If the all the States in the USA were represented by food, what food would each state be represented by?

-What are some of the nicknames you have for customers or coworkers?

-What would be the absolute worst name you could give your child?

-What are some fun and interesting alternatives to war that countries could settle their differences with?

-What would the world be like if it was filled with male and female copies of you?

-What’s the best Wi-Fi name you’ve seen?

-If life were a video game, what would some of the cheat codes be?

-How many chickens would it take to kill an elephant?

-What would be the worst “buy one get one free” sale of all time? Is a hotdog a sandwich?

-What secret conspiracy would you like to start?

-What would be the worst thing for the government to make illegal?

-Which body part do you wish you could detach and why?

-What’s the weirdest thing a guest has done at your house?

-What’s invisible but you wish people could see?

-What movie completely changes its plot when you change one letter in its title? What’s the new movie about?

-If you were held at gun point and told that if you didn’t impress them with your dance moves you would be killed, what dance moves would you bust out?

-Where is the strangest place you’ve urinated or defecated?

-What’s the weirdest smell you have ever smelled?

-What mythical creature would improve the world most if it existed?

-How do you feel about putting pineapple on pizza?

-You’re a mad scientist, what scientific experiment would you run if money and ethics weren’t an issue?

-What two totally normal things become really weird if you do them back to back?

-If peanut butter wasn’t called peanut butter, what would it be called?

-What would be the creepiest thing you could say while passing a stranger on the street?

-What ridiculous and untrue, yet slightly plausible, theories can you come up with for the cause of common ailments like headaches or cavities?

-What’s the most imaginative insult you can come up with?

-If you were wrongfully put into an insane asylum, how would you convince them that you’re actually sane and not just pretending to be sane?

-What would be the best-worst name for different types of businesses? (dry cleaners, amusement parks, etc.)

-If you were transported 400 years into the past with no clothes or anything else, how would you prove that you were from the future?

-Toilet paper, over or under?

-What fictional character is amazing in their book / show / movie, but would be insufferable if you had to deal with them in mundane everyday situations?

-What are some fun ways to answer everyday questions like “how’s it going” or “what do you do”?

-What would some fairy tales be like if they took place in the present and included modern technology and culture?

-If over time you replace parts on a car, at what point does it stop being the same car you bought? How many parts do you need to replace to make it a new car?

-If someone asked to be your apprentice and learn all that you know, what would you teach them? What’s the best inside joke you’ve been a part of?

[uncloseted]

Hey, I’m a big fan of your blog! When I saw the post about stupid questions, I thought I’d ask for some help. This isn’t necessarily stupid, but I don’t know.

How can I seem more confident?

I am confident within myself, but people are always telling me how insecure I am. Everyone is saying that I should be more confident. I don’t feel insecure, so why do I seem that way? I can be kind of quiet, so maybe that’s why.

Thanks!  This isn’t a stupid question at all!  The thing I get asked the most is actually how to build self-confidence or to care less about what other people think.  For you, it seems like the issue isn’t actually in having self confidence, but in projecting self confidence.  Some of that is in body language- having good, open posture (no crossed arms or legs), making eye contact, standing firmly, and not fidgeting will help to convey confidence.  Some of it is in language- instead of hedging what you’re going to say will, “I think” or “maybe” or minimizing your feelings with “just”, try making clear, concise, and strong statements that end declaratively rather than questioningly.  And some of it is in actions- do you ask everyone around you what they think before you make a decision?  Do you defer to other people when a decision has to be made?  Do you do things that you’re interested in, wear things you want to wear, watch what you want to watch, etc., regardless of what your friends are doing?  You might appear more confident if you start asserting yourself or focusing less on what other people think of you.

Here are some other tips and tricks I’ve amassed for building self-confidence and not caring what other people think.  Some of it might be relevant for you and some of it might not, but hopefully someone who needs it will see it.

The first thing to remember about confidence is that people aren’t drawn to people because they’re beautiful, or smart, or kind, or fun, or interesting.  People are drawn to people who are confident (or appear to be confident).  If you’re confident and weird, you’re not weird, you’re a visionary.  If you’re confident and ugly, you’re not ugly, you’re “unconventionally beautiful” or a trendsetter.  If you’re confident and overly serious, you’re not boring, you’re a leader.  A lot of people think it’s the other way around- that only beautiful, smart, charming people who are well-liked can be confident- but it’s not true.  To use a Skins example, Tony’s not a good person.  He’s manipulative and cruel.  But people like him (at least in the beginning) and go along with what he says because he’s confident.  The same goes for Katie.  You can argue about whether she’s objectively the most attractive girl in the group, but she acts confident in herself and in her appearance, and it works. Lots of guys are attracted to her.  So that’s the first thing- don’t focus on changing yourself (physically or emotionally) in the hopes that you’ll be more confident.  Instead, focus on changing your mindset to that of a confident person.  It will make a huge difference.

Of course, that’s all easier said than done, and the process of building self confidence can take a while.  In the meantime, while you’re on the journey of actually becoming confident, one thing that can help is “faking it until you make it”.  When you’re going about your day, ask yourself, “how would a confident person who’s never experienced insecurity or anxiety handle this situation”?  Then do what a confident person would do.  If you have a really confident friend, it can help to imagine what they would do in a given situation and then do that.  Pretend everyone you meet already loves you and thinks you’re great.  Pretend like you think you’re great.  It will feel uncomfortable at first, but you’ll start getting used to it and the “confident” responses to things will start feeling normal.  One thing that can make this a little bit easier is to talk to yourself in the second person.  By saying things like “you’ve got this”, your brain will (sort of) feel like you’re receiving advice from somebody else, which is more motivating than getting advice from ourselves.

There are also some exercises you can use to build your self confidence on your own. Some of you have heard this one before, so bare with me, but the first thing I suggest is:  every morning, look at yourself in the mirror and say some things you like about yourself.  I know you probably feel like you can’t find any, but try.  Focus on those things that you like and try to only focus on those things.  Write them down, either physically (on a sticky note on your mirror, maybe) or in your phone.  Each day, try to add a new thing to the list.  When you’re out and about, remember those things that you like about yourself, focus on them, and try to draw attention to them.  When other people compliment you, add those to your list as well.  I think eventually by recognizing all of the things that you like about yourself, you’ll be able to feel like there are things about you that you can be confident in, and you won’t focus so much on the things that you feel are negative.  These don’t have to just be things that are physical.  You should include things you like about your personality as well.

A lot of people who are insecure use deprecating humor to cope and as a bid to get other people to like them.  But I think that can be really emotionally damaging.  Like Hannah Gadsby said in Nanette, “I have built a career out of self-deprecating humor, and I don’t want to do that anymore..do you understand what self-deprecation means when it comes from somebody who already exists in the margins? It’s not humility. It’s humiliation. I put myself down in order to speak, in order to seek permission to speak, and I simply will not do that anymore, not to myself or anybody who identifies with me.”  Self-deprecation impacts our self-esteem, and it impacts the way people around us view us.  The more times we say something, even as a joke, the more we start to believe it, and the more the people around us start to believe it.  So instead, make fun of yourself by pretending you’re really, really cocky.  If you trip and fall, instead of saying, “I’m such a disaster”, replace it with “I’m the epitome of grace and beauty”.  If you make a piece of art and you think it sucks, say, “Obviously I’m the next Di Vinci/Michelangelo/whatever.”  If you say something dumb, instead of saying, “I’m so stupid,” say, “I’m clearly the next Einstein.”  You still get to make a joke and diffuse any awkwardness the situation has, but you also get practice saying nice things about yourself.  And eventually, you’ll get so used to saying nice things about yourself as a joke that it won’t feel so weird to say those things about yourself in a serious way, too.

For those people who feel insecure about things they did in their past, try and think of something embarrassing one of your friends has done.  Can you think of anything?  The vast majority of people remember their own embarrassing moments really vividly, but don’t remember things other people have done at all.  Reminding yourself that you’re probably the only one who remembers or cares about the mistake you made can help you let go.  The mistakes you’ve made in the past are learning experiences that you’ve grown from and changed from, and the fact that you’re embarrassed by them is a good thing.  It means that you’re not that person anymore- that you’ve become someone better.  I think that’s something to celebrate instead of something to cringe at.  It can also help to talk to yourself as if you were a friend who’s remembering an embarrassing moment. Would you tell them how embarrassing that moment was and how much they suck?  Probably not.  You’d be nice to them and tell them things will be okay.  Talk to yourself like you would a friend.

The fact that people aren’t paying attention to what you’re doing doesn’t just apply to cringey things you did in your past.  People are unlikely to remember that one time you tried a new hairstyle or wore an unusual piece of clothing.  They’re unlikely to remember that one time you asked someone out and they rejected you.  So many of the social pressures we feel can be remedied by remembering that most people are way too worried about what they’re doing and how they appear to the world to care about what you’re doing.

One more piece of advice- stop comparing yourself to other people.  The old adage, “comparison is the thief of joy” is totally, scientifically proven to be true.  Comparing ourselves to other people (or to TV shows, movies, characters in books, etc) makes us much less happy because we’re comparing everything we know about ourselves, good and bad, with a curated version of this person.  We don’t see them when they wake up in the morning with crusty eyes and frizzy hair, or when they have the flu, or when they’re overwhelmed and anxious and lashing out at the people around them.  But the truth is that everyone, even the people you think have perfect lives that you see on social media, are just people.  They have bad habits and negative traits and days where they’re not at their best, just like the rest of us.  If you really want to start being confident, one of the best things you can do for yourself is to mute or unfollow the people who make you feel insecure online, and replace them with people who inspire you- artists or activists or cute videos of animals, whatever works.  You’ll never be able to feel good about yourself if you’re constantly tracking all the ways in which you feel you don’t measure up.  But you will if you’re constantly seeing all the ways in which you do.

Last thing. Basic life care stuff, like good posture, exercising, eating well, sleeping well, meditating, and just generally practicing self-care and taking care of yourself can improve your confidence as well.  If you’re not starting on a strong foundation, it’s hard to build anything that will last.  But if your foundation is solid, all of the things you do to build your self-confidence on top of that will be, too.

[vinny-likes-to-play21]

Funny questions to ask list

1. Is cereal soup? Why or why not? 2. What is the sexiest and least sexy name? 3. What secret conspiracy would you like to start? 4. What’s invisible but you wish people could see? 5. What’s the weirdest smell you have ever smelled? 6. Is a hotdog a sandwich? Why or why not? 7. What’s the best Wi-Fi name you’ve seen? 8. What’s the most ridiculous fact you know? 9. What is something that everyone looks stupid doing? 10. What is the funniest joke you know by heart? 11. In 40 years, what will people be nostalgic for? 12. What are the unwritten rules of where you work? 13. How do you feel about putting pineapple on pizza? 14. What part of a kid’s movie completely scarred you? 15. What kind of secret society would you like to start? 16. If animals could talk, which would be the rudest? 17. Toilet paper, over or under? 18. What’s the best type of cheese? 19. Where is the strangest place you’ve urinated or defecated? 20. What’s the best inside joke you’ve been a part of? 21. In one sentence, how would you sum up the internet? 22. How many chickens would it take to kill an elephant? 23. What is the most embarrassing thing you have ever worn? 24. What’s the most imaginative insult you can come up with? 25. Which body part do you wish you could detach and why? 26. What used to be considered trashy but now is very classy? 27. What’s the weirdest thing a guest has done at your house? 28. What mythical creature would improve the world most if it existed? 29. What inanimate object do you wish you could eliminate from existence? 30. What is the weirdest thing you have seen in someone else’s home? 31. What would be the absolute worst name you could give your child? 32. What would be the worst thing for the government to make illegal? 33. What are some of the nicknames you have for customers or coworkers? 34. If peanut butter wasn’t called peanut butter, what would it be called? 35. What movie would be greatly improved if it was made into a musical? 36. What is the funniest corporate / business screw up you have heard of? 37. What would be the worst “buy one get one free” sale of all time? 38. If life were a video game, what would some of the cheat codes be? 39. What is the funniest name you have actually heard used in the real world? 40. What sport would be the funniest to add a mandatory amount of alcohol to? 41. What would be the coolest animal to scale up to the size of a horse? 42. What two totally normal things become really weird if you do them back to back? 43. What set of items could you buy that would make the cashier the most uncomfortable? 44. What would be the creepiest thing you could say while passing a stranger on the street? 45. What is something that you just recently realized that you are embarrassed you didn’t realize earlier? 46. What are some fun and interesting alternatives to war that countries could settle their differences with? 47. What would be the best-worst name for different types of businesses? (dry cleaners, amusement parks, etc.) 48. Who do you know that really reminds you of a character in a TV show or movie? 49. What would the world be like if it was filled with male and female copies of you? 50. What are some things that are okay to occasionally do but definitely not okay to do every day? 51. If you were arrested with no explanation, what would your friends and family assume you had done? 52. You’re a mad scientist, what scientific experiment would you run if money and ethics weren’t an issue? 53. What are some fun ways to answer everyday questions like “how’s it going” or “what do you do”? 54. If someone asked to be your apprentice and learn all that you know, what would you teach them? 55. If your five-year-old self suddenly found themselves inhabiting your current body, what would your five-year-old self do first?

56. First think of a product. Now, what would be the absolute worst brand name for one of those products?

57. What movie completely changes its plot when you change one letter in its title? What’s the new movie about?

58. If the all the States in the USA were represented by food, what food would each state be represented by?

59. What would some fairy tales be like if they took place in the present and included modern technology and culture?

60. What is something that is really popular now, but in 5 years everyone will look back on and be embarrassed by?

61. What ridiculous and untrue, yet slightly plausible, theories can you come up with for the cause of common ailments like headaches or cavities?

62. If you were transported 400 years into the past with no clothes or anything else, how would you prove that you were from the future?

63. If you were wrongfully put into an insane asylum, how would you convince them that you’re actually sane and not just pretending to be sane?

64. We’ll that’s all the funny questions to ask that we have. But there are a ton of other questions on the site that you might enjoy!

65. What fictional character is amazing in their book / show / movie, but would be insufferable if you had to deal with them in mundane everyday situations?

66. If you were held at gun point and told that if you didn’t impress them with your dance moves you would be killed, what dance moves would you bust out?

67. What would be the hat to end all hats? What could you wear on your head that would make people stop what they are doing and stare in awe and amazement?

68. If over time you replace parts on a car, at what point does it stop being the same car you bought? How many parts do you need to replace to make it a new car?

69. If you die and find out that everyone gets to choose a twelve-foot by twelve-foot square to stay in alone for eternity without being able to influence or contact the living world, what twelve-foot by twelve-foot square would you choose?

70. Where was the most in appropriate / most embarrassing place you’ve farted?

[lovemesomesurveys]

Do you have any tan lines? Nope. Have you ever wished you could stop time? Yes. I’ve also wished I could speed it up. Is there any pictures on the wall you're in? Yeah, there’s several. Who was the last person who called you? My mom. Did you make any money today? No.

Have you ever fallen and twisted your ankle? No. What was the highest place you've ever jumped from? I haven’t jumped from anywhere. Have you ever gone swimming in a river? No. Ever been so unfortunate to slip on wet rocks? Nope. When was the last time you got completely soaked by rain? It’s been a long time. One of the times that comes to mind is when my mom, aunt, a former friend, and I were at an outdoor festival and we got caught in an unexpected rain storm. It just started pouring down hard and we were not prepared at all. We had to run back to our car, which was parked a good distance away and yeah we were absolutely soaked. 

Is there something you really want to buy at the moment? I’d love to be able to book a beach vacation getaway. Would you ever consider culinary school? No. I’m not a cook and have no interest in trying to become one. Do you ever watch the clouds, to see if they look like objects/animals etc? I did when I was a kid sometimes. When was the last time you didn't want to get out of bed? That’s me everyday. It’s a real struggle. Are you excited for anything coming up in the near future? No. My foreseeable future consists of more doctors and appointments and struggles and spending most of my time in bed. Speaking of dancing, do you know any real dance moves? I know them, but I can’t do them. Do you save cards from your birthday/x-mas, etc? Yes. What was the last souvenir someone got you? A shirt. Do you have a favorite remix of a song? One of my favorite covers is Adele’s cover of George Michael’s “Fast Love” that she preformed at an award show in honor of him after he died. I can only describe it as hauntingly beautiful. I really wish she would have released a studio version of it. When was the last time you printed something off? I don’t recall; it’s been awhile. Are you one of those people who can learn music/songs by ear? No, I wish. There was a guy in my piano class I took my senior year in high school that could do that. It was really cool. Has the power gone out recently? No, but I have a feeling it will happen soon. It always does when we have a lot of triple digit degree weather, which is what this week has consisted of. Do you like driving at night? I don’t drive, but I like nighttime drives. Like, whenever I travel I love leaving really early when it’s still dark out. It’s a different experience. Does seeing roadkill make you sad, or just grossed out? Both. Does wearing heels make you feel sexier? I don’t wear heels. What do you think is the most saddest sounding instrument? The piano can sound that way. What day do you go back to school (if you're in school)? I’m forever done with school. When was the last time you've gone shopping with a friend? It’s been a few years. Do you ever go out to dinner with your Mom? We haven’t physically gone out to eat for dinner in quite a long time.  What is your favorite kind of salad dressing? Ranch. Have you ever bought fireworks? Not me personlly, but my dad and brother do every 4th of July. Do you really pay attention to the ratings on movies? Sometimes, but I ultimately decide if I want to see it or not. Have you ever snuck in to a theater/dance/bar etc? No. If given the chance, would you go to Ireland? Sure. Who was the last person/website to send you an email? I don’t feel like checking. Has your phone ever rang and scared you? Yeah. I’m such a jumpy person anyway. If you have a cat, does it ever "converse" with you? I don’t have a cat. If given the chance, would you ever fly in a fighter plane like the F-16? No. Are you afraid of standing on the edge of hills/skyscrapers/cliffs etc? Uh, YES. Do you have a favorite species of wild cat (tiger/lion/cougar etc)? No. Do you support the funds designed to protect endangered animals? (Like WWF). I haven’t done much myself to support them, but I’m glad they exist. What type of a drunk are you? (Obnoxious, calm, emotional, violent, etc) I was a chatty drunk. I feel like I was annoying, ha. I was also the sad drunk. Do you have an absolute favorite name (boy or girl)? I love the name Alexander. Are you good at pronouncing foreign words? Uhh, depends. If you're not already, when do you plan on getting married? I don’t want to get married. Can you tolerate the smell of cigarette smoke? Nooo. It honestly makes me sick, like I get lightheaded and dizzy, I get nauseous, and I get a really bad headache. When listening to music, do you usually tap your foot etc to the beat? I sometimes tap my fingers and hands. Have you ever literally cried on a friend's shoulder? No. Was there something that "made your day" today? It literally just turned midnight, so today is just now starting. Do you have a favorite kind of chocolate bar? White chocolate. Are you happy that it's summer? Ugh, no. It’s hot and miserable. Is there anything that you should be doing right now? I’m about to make my nightly bowl of ramen.  Has anyone had expectations that you just couldn't live up to? (finishing this a couple hours later...) That’s how I’ve been feeling. Are you currently in a relationship? If so, how long have you been dating? Nope. Would you ever consider being a DJ at a party if you were paid? Nah. Have you ever tried those electric toothbrushes? Wow, this question makes it seem like they’re so futuristic and rare lol. Yes, I use electric toothbrushes. Are you or anyone you know devoted to "being green"? Not overly so, no. When it comes election time, do you vote (if you're old enough)? Yes. What was the last movie you watched that was on TV? I watched Fear 1994 on Netflix recently if that counts. How long have you had an account on bzoink? I don’t have an account on bzoink. Do strapless bras work for you? I don’t like them. I only wear them if I have to, like with a dress. Do you have a favorite hair elastic that you use almost always? No. Has anyone told you that they wanted to marry you/ were planning on it/etc? No. When you were younger, did you have a yoyo? I did. I couldn’t do any tricks, though. What was the last video game you played, if any? Animal Crossing: New Horizons. Has anyone ever called you nerdy? Yeah. Have you ever had to call 911? Yes. Has there ever been a tornado near where you live? No, fortunately. Are you a rollercoaster addict? Noo. I’m a big scardy cat. Do you feel comfortable enough to wear short shorts? No. I’m very self-conscious about my legs. About my body in general, really. If you have iTunes, do you find the Genius recommendations helpful? I don’t even recall what that is; I haven’t used iTunes in almost 10 years. Are you quick at looking up numbers in phonebooks/ words in dictionaries? Phonebooks, wow.  I haven’t used a phonebook or actual dictionary in yearsssss thanks to the Internet/Google.  Have a favorite actor/actress from Old Hollywood? (Marilyn Munroe, etc) Lucille Ball. Out of Biology, Chemistry and Physics, which are you the best at? None of those. Is there a friend you can always talk to about anything? I don’t have any friends. Can you stand spicy foods? Not anymore. :( It’s gotta have like barely anything like McDonald’s or Taco Bell mild hot sauce type of stuff. It’s wild because I used to be obSESSED with spicy food. I put hot sauce on everything and had a high spicy tolerance. Then a few years ago I developed a sensitivity and I can’t even have red pepper flakes now. It sucks. What's your opinion on people who stretch their ears? Hey, do what you want. I’ll admit the really stretched out lobes freak me out, though. Do you think tattoos are expressive art or unattractive? To me they can be either one, it just depends. What is your school mascot? -- Do you find black and white photos to be pretty? Yeah. Food you make doesn't taste as good as food made by others, true? Sometimes. Especially foods like sandwiches for some reason. I think they’re way better when my mom or a deli makes them.  Is there a certain color that doesn't look good on you? I don’t think I look good in anything, so. Have you ever heard anything interesting about Nova Scotia, Canada? Not that I can recall. Have you ever seen a bear in the wild? No, thankfully. Do you know when you will get to see your significant other next? I’m single. What's the book you're currently reading? ”Such a Good Girl” by Willow Rose. Is your room currently a disaster? No. If going to a concert, do you prefer it to be outside or in a stadium? Definitely in a stadium.

Do you have a case for your camera? I use the camera on my phone, which I do have a case for. Can your cellphone take a beating? I’ve dropped it a few times and so far so good. Is there a month you prefer over others? October and December. Do you ever buy lottery tickets? Just a couple of times. Can you recall the most disturbing movie you've ever seen? A Clockwork Orange is one. Are you more of a tape or a glue person? Tape. Of course, it does depend on what I’m doing. In some cases, glue is the better option.  Has anyone you know gotten mono? Not that I know of. What is/or was your graduating year? I graduated UC in 2015. Have you had a weird dream lately? All my dreams are weird. Have you ever gotten an autograph from someone famous? Yes. Do you own a pair of slippers? No. Do you ever watch VHS movies anymore? No. I don’t even recall the last time. Has your computer ever decided to completely erase itself? No, but I’ve lost stuff because of viruses back in the day. :(

Only when the power goes out do we realize how much we rely on it, true? It definitely becomes quite apparent quite quickly. Have you ever picked an apple off the tree and eaten it? No. Can you say yes / no in different languages? ”Si” and “No”, ha. Are you good at styling your own hair? No. Especially not anymore since I just don’t have the motivation or energy to do anything with my hair, which is why it was always up in a bun. I finally just cut it really short and have been wearing a cute wig if I go somewhere cause that’s all I can to do right now. I am sad, though. It was so long.   Out of the traditional superheroes, which one is your favorite? The Scarlett Witch and Iron Man. What color is the shirt you're wearing right now? Black. Have you ever been lost? Physically and figuratively, yes.

[xhaotixaesthetica]

Yandere Ateez Headcanons

Starlink Intergalactic Navigator 

You are in: The Asteroid Belt 

READ THE TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains mentions and discussion of abusive relationships, threats, violence, death, supernatural creatures, depression, self-harm, disturbing sexual themes and mental illness. The behaviors and relationships depicted below are abusive and unhealthy. These are not examples of healthy relationships, it’s actually the opposite. This is meant to imagine the members of Ateez in a popular anime trope and it in no way represents their real-life personalities and characters. It’s fiction, it’s for fun, PLEASE DON’T READ IT IF YOU KNOW YOU WON’T LIKE IT OR THIS KIND OF STUFF DISTURBS YOU!

Word Count: 6.3K+

Hongjoong

The Perfect Boyfriend

Kim Hongjoong seems like the perfect man and in the beginning, he would be. But it’s an act. Seonghwa and Hongjoong are actually very similar. They both feel little to no emotion and that’s part of why they’re such good friends. But Hongjoong is different from Seonghwa in that he feels desire, but only for one thing. Control. Hongjoong hates feeling small or weak and he gets off on having complete mastery of a situation. Hongjoong is very much aware that his size is the first thing people see and he overcompensates for that in every single way. Think of Christian Bale’s role in American Psycho, except Hongjoong is actually attractive and very manipulative.

Hongjoong would sweep you off your feet, bringing you flowers and food, giving you compliments, being your shoulder to lean on, reading your mood perfectly and always knowing what you want and being available to give it to you. Hongjoong’s control over your life would happen so gradually that you probably wouldn’t even realize until it’s too late. You’ve quit your job, you depend on him financially, your friends are friends with him, your parents love him, whenever something’s wrong they tell him. Hongjoong is everywhere in your life without ever having to be anywhere.

Hongjoong’s best feature is that he’s not delusional. He knows what society expects of you as a couple and he makes sure you two follow that image exactly. He wants everyone to see how good he is for you, how much of an amazing boyfriend he is, his ego won’t tolerate anything else. You have friends because it would be an insult for him if he wasn’t able to control you without eliminating all outside forces. You can still see your parents because it’s expected of you, because he can’t stand if they thought anything bad of him.

He feels literally nothing for you, for a long time. He might think you’re cute and you might amuse him sometimes but that’s about it. But he damn sure won’t let you go and he won’t let anyone else touch him, only because it’s the principle of the thing for him.

Hongjoong does not see you as a person, he sees you as an object, a trained pet. The only reason he doesn’t cheat is because what kind of man would he be if he didn’t have mastery over his sexual urges? He can’t cheat on you and have people think he’s less than perfect.

Hongjoong has an obnoxiously long list of rules that he expects you to follow to the letter and if you don’t you will be punished. Hongjoong doesn’t necessarily enjoy physical punishments, but he doesn’t have a problem with them. He does what he feels is necessary to teach you to obey, nothing more, nothing less. Hongjoong’s lack of feelings toward you will really become evident in times like these, because he has no issue with beating you within an inch of your life and will feel no sympathy afterward. Depending on his mood, he’ll either be amused or disgusted at how weak he finds you and will say things like, “You’re going to leave me when you’re this pathetic? You need me, love. This is your fault, if you weren’t such a moron and knew how to follow simple instructions, I wouldn’t have had to do this.”

A sure-fire way to make your punishment worse is to make a scene or disobey him in public where there’s a risk of tarnishing his reputation. Hongjoong is very good at putting on the big teary eyes, and the hurt puppy dog look so he actually gets all the sympathy, but trust me, he’s not hurt, he’s pissed and the minute you get behind closed doors, he’s going to unleash hell on you.

Hongjoong is unique in that he wouldn’t develop any actual emotional attachment for a long time, possibly years. For all the other members, it’s pretty much an instantaneous thing, but for Hongjoong, it takes time, and there’s no particular reason, it just does. There’s nothing you can do to speed up this process, but following all his dumbass rules will make the process way less unpleasant.

However, it is just a matter of time. He’s guaranteed to feel something for you at some point, there’s just no guessing when that will be.

THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING.

I don’t think he’ll be any more lenient on you after he falls for you, but at the very least he might give you some sort of aftercare, after a punishment.

He will add more rules though and he’s more possessive and jealous now. By this time, you’ve probably learned his rules so well that punishments will be little to none once you get used to the new ones. You’ll start seeing your friends and family less as he desires to keep your presence around more, but you’ll still see them enough that it can just be chalked up to the busy lives that come with age.

He won’t be sorry for anything he ever put you through either. In his eyes, it was all his discipline and punishments that let you evolve from a lowly pet to someone worthy of him spending the rest of his life with.

“See, love? I told you I would make you happy one day.”

Seonghwa

The Ice King

Park Seonghwa has never been able to remember feeling any emotion. Not love, not happiness, not anger, not hate, not curiosity, not anything. He went through life, following instructions, and becoming the pinnacle of success all at his parent’s and relative's own bidding. He had never had any desire before, so never felt the need to rebel against their wishes, completely fine with letting his family push him so hard so he could graduate early and be leading a successful company by the young age of twenty-one.

I see you being his personal assistant or something.

Unlike his friend Hongjoong, the minute Seonghwa saw you, something broke inside him. He didn’t just feel something, he felt everything, and only for you. Seonghwa has no damn idea of how people work, so he just assumes that you feel the same. He expects that you belong to each other the minute you met and the only reason he doesn’t say anything is because it doesn't even cross his mind that he has to. He expects you to know who you belong to and, in his mind, everything about you is his. He thinks the feelings that he felt for you were so strong and instantaneous, that there’s absolutely no way you didn’t feel them too.

In Seonghwa’s mind, the minute you walked through the damn door, you both were in a committed relationship.

However, despite all the feelings that well up inside him when he looks at you, he’ll treat you like everyone else without even knowing it. He’s just as frigid and monotoned, eyes just as dead. He doesn’t look at you or talk to you more than normal or more than necessary.

Seonghwa thinks that tiny ass things like letting his gaze linger on you for two seconds more than usual or using your name when he refers to you or letting you walk in front of him or giving two compliments on your work in a day as opposed to none are obvious signs of PDA, but they’re things that everyone else, even you, don’t think twice about.

The only thing out of the ordinary besides his intense internal obsession is that Seonghwa hires someone to watch you.

He thinks it’s normal, practical even. You’re the “girlfirend” of a powerful man, he has plenty of enemies in rival companies who would love to hurt him and people who would take those he holds dear for ransom so he thinks you should have protection. He doesn’t realize that, even though those things are true, you would literally never be targeted because his displays of affection are so undetectable that no one knows he cares about you.

But this bodyguard doesn’t just protect you. He reports everything, even your smallest actions to Seonghwa. Not just where you’re going or what you’re doing, it’s creepy shit like what color underwear you put on, what position you were sitting in when you watched tv, what body part you washed first in the shower, weird shit like that. He wants to know everything about you, wants to be able to fantasize about you down to the most minute, accurate detail.

You’ll only realize something’s wrong when you’re supposed to go on a date one weekend.

Being Seonghwa’s assistant keeps you pretty busy. A CEO is pretty much a never-ending job and even when he travels, you’re normally with him to assist him. Despite having nothing but a work relationship, you’re actually rarely without him without even realizing it. You don’t mind at all Seonghwa has never been less than courteous to you, if a little cold, but he’d like that with everyone. Besides you get benefits like insurance, a 401K, a “company” car, and tons of other stuff (that none of his other assistants have ever had) along with an outstanding by the hour salary with glorious pay for overtime and traveling with him. Still, the one thing you don’t normally get is free time which is why you were pretty happy to have some time off.

Your date is supposed to pick you up at six but the clock hits seven and they’re a no-show. You’re starting to think you’ve been stood up and you don’t know the person so you’re not particularly upset, just annoyed that you wasted all that time and energy getting ready to go out. You’re about to change into your nightclothes and call it a night when your door suddenly opens and Seonghwa stalks in, key in hand like he lives there.

There’s a flurry of questions in your head. How did he get that key, why is he here, what the hell is happening?

But all of them die down when you notice the spatters of blood on his clothes and your blood turns cold.

Seonghwa doesn’t understand what you were doing by setting up the date. Why were you going to cheat on him? Were you trying to make him jealous? Did you want him to prove his love for you?

He’ll only learn that this isn’t the way relationships work when you tell him and even then, he won’t care.

He feels that he’s in too deep, he needs you, he can’t let you go.

Seonghwa won’t particularly blame you for hating him at first, but he won’t let you go and he’ll use the threat of ruining you and all your loved one’s reputations if you try and make a scene in public or tell someone what he’s doing.

For the most part, he lets you be, as long as you’re in the house. Even though he wants you to touch and love him, he doesn’t feel the need to force you and wants you to do it in your own time.

For the most part, Seonghwa doesn’t really punish you. He’ll kind of just stand there, dead-eyed and let the insults roll off him, might even walk away to do something else, or do some work while you scream at him.

Even when you flirt with someone else or someone hits on you, he’ll kill the person in cold-blood or have them assassinated, but he won’t do anything to you. The only thing you can do to piss him off is tell him that you hate him or, ironically, tell him how cold he is.

Seonghwa absolutely cannot take the thought of you hating him. Disliking him, he can understand. He’s done things that he would never forgive anyone for if they did to him and he has hope that your dislike will go away with time. But hate is eternal for him. When he hates people, he kills them. Do you want to hurt him?

He can’t stand it when you call him cold because to him, it means he’s not enough. He doesn’t express his affection in a normal way and he only cares about you, but he thinks that he’d proven himself to you by doing things for you that no one else would. Things that he’d never do for anyone else. He feels like he can’t even breathe when he sees you, and you have the nerve to call him cold?

I don’t see Seonghwa ever physically hurting you like Hongjoong, I see him isolating you. A dark room with no windows, no smells, no sounds, no sights, nothing. It feels like hell.

To Seonghwa, this is what it feels like without you and he wants to condition you to associate a lack of his presence with this feeling of dark, suffocating nothingness. Even if it takes a long time, it probably ends up working. There’s only so much the human mind can take.

“I killed them for you. You’re all that I care about and I won’t let anyone get in the way of that.”

Yunho

The Damsel in Distress Next Door

Yeosang and Yunho’s headcanons might be shorter and more normal than the other ones cause it’s even harder for me to see them as yanderes than it is for Mingi.

Jung Yunho seems like a normal college student. He plays video games and procrastinates his homework, has trouble remembering to pay his rent on time and probably wouldn’t be able to pay it if it wasn’t for Hongjoong and Seonghwa, once set the stove on fire trying to make ramen, and has an emotional breakdown whenever he sees a puppy or a baby.

Anyone you asked would say that Yunho is the most lovable, gentle, caring boy they had ever met. He just needs to be a little more confident in himself.

They don’t know the half of it.

If there’s one person in the world that Yunho hates, it’s himself. He is incredibly suicidal and self-harming, it’s a testament to his good acting that people don’t know how much he needs a therapist or something.

You meet puppy-boy when you move into the apartment next to his, the last one on the hall.

He’s coming home from getting a few groceries when he sees you moving your stuff in. He’s in his senior year of college, one semester away from a degree, though you’re just a junior, a transfer student who is more than nervous about switching unis so late into your college career.

Yunho is your first friend. From the minute he saw you, he was hooked, it was like he met an angel. You were so nice to him and you genuinely cared about him. Not only that, but you seemed to actually need him around.

Yunho was used to being a burden, someone others coddled and took care of, so it was refreshing when you asked him to help you study or show you around or carry heavy things up the stairs or reach things on the top shelf. He was quickly becoming wrapped around your thumb, he lived for taking care of you. It gave him purpose.

In real life, Ateez has stated before how Yunho likes to care of those around them and brighten their day, make them laugh, make them happy and all that. This would be Yandere!Yunho’s defining characteristic along with his suicidal tendencies.

It’s hard not to develop a crush on Yunho and eventually, you ask him out. And even though he loves you more than life itself, he hesitates.

He feels like he has to tell you about the way he feels about life and the things he does to himself before he can feel secure in a romantic relationship with you.

When you still want to date him, he’s genuinely stunned. That’s when his obsession really begins. He’s found someone that he can take care of but that also wants to take care of and help him and won’t leave him? He thinks he would be stupid to ever let go of that.

Most of the Ateez yanderes have a unique quality about them I’m making them sound like limited edition Pokemon. Hongjoong’s is his delayed affection, Seonghwa’s is his coldness, Mingi’s is his fiery persona, San’s is his duality, and Yunho’s is the fact that he would never ever be a danger to you or others.

He punishes you by punishing himself.

While I do think that Yunho would be the most objectively easy Ateez yandere to escape from, I do think that it would be the hardest to leave him mentally.

You have an attachment to him, you love him, and you can tell he loves you too. But he’s still unbelievably toxic and exhausting.

Yunho will start shirking off responsibilities for you very quickly, flaking out on friends and school and work, just to be at your beck and call and bend over backward for you.

To a certain extent, he expects you to do the same. When you're spending more time with friends or family or work or homework, Yunho’s going to get upset and he’s going to think that he’s doing something wrong and you’re starting to lose feelings. He’s going to punish himself for that and it’s not going to be pretty.

You might not catch on to his habit at first and he doesn’t want you to feel guilty so he’s going to make an effort to hide it from you, but you’ll find out eventually.

It starts taking over your life. You see friends less, forget about responsibilities, and even have trouble sleeping because you’re so worried about him. And because you’re spending even more time with him, the time-frame that you have to spend by yourself becomes smaller and smaller cause he’s so used to having you around.

Even if you bring him with you, he’ll overthink everything. He’ll remember how good-looking your friends are, how much he doesn’t fit your parent's standards, how he couldn’t help you with a certain problem on your homework and he’ll punish himself for it all the minute he’s alone. No matter how much time passes, he’ll always keep these things in his mind and waste no time hurting himself for them.

It makes you not only terrified to leave, but also hyperaware of everything that’s happening when you two are out in public, always ready to give him reassurance. It’s terrifying and exhausting and one day, you bring up the idea of breaking up.

Yunho takes it well, much better than you think he would. He says that he understands and that, even though he loves you, he hopes you find someone to make you happy and give you what you deserve.

But you have a bad feeling in your stomach and it’s only a few hours later, that you’re bursting into his apartment, screaming his name.

There’s no answer and the lights are all off and the adrenaline is pumping through your body so fast, you feel like you might start imploding.

Yunho’s in the bathroom and...it’s not a pretty sight.

His stint in the hospital would have been short if it weren’t for the fact that he needed so many stitches and blood transfusions.

He’s there long enough to get better physically, but his eyes are glassy and he doesn’t talk or move, not even with you. The doctors say it's not anything physical, nothing they can find, and they let you take him home when he’s strong enough because maybe the hospital is making it worse.

He still doesn’t do anything. He’ll use the bathroom if you sit him on the toilet, he’ll chew and swallow if you put food in his mouth, he’ll drink if you put a straw to his lips, but that’s about all you’re going to get out of him.

A week after he gets out of the hospital, you come home and Yunho’s...gone. You left him on the couch, but he’s not there anymore.

You drop everything in your hands and you’re about to fear the worse until he runs out of the kitchen, asking what the noise was and if you were ok. He’s in different clothes than you left him in and the smell of take-out fills the air. How long has he been like this?

You and Yunho eat pizza and he’s so busy chattering that he doesn’t notice that you’re too stunned and scared to touch most of your food, watching him carefully.

He’s acting completely normal, like he was when you first became friends.

You wonder if he even remembers the past couple weeks or if he’s putting on a ruse so he can try and kill himself again when you leave him alone. You’re almost too scared to bring it up in case it sets him off.

Eventually, you settle on, “Yunho, I want to get back together, I’m sorry for what I said.”

Yunho gives you a strange look.

“When did we break up?”

Yeosang

The Secret Serial Killer

Kang Yeosang is very misleading. He tends to wear a lot of dark clothes and has a resting bitch face and he’s very shy though it comes off as being aloof and arrogant. That’s not what he earned his bad-boy reputation for though, even if those things do help to reinforce it.

Yeosang earned that reputation through the only fight he’s even been in on campus. It’s unsure how the fight started or what happened, but by the time it finished, everyone was crowded around to see Yeosang pulverize the other guy.

He broke five ribs which punctured a lung, took a chunk of the guy’s left ear, knocked out several teeth, and completely shattered both kneecaps and his left ankle, effectively ending the guy’s promising athletic career and making him need walking assistance for the rest of his life.

Mingi and Jongho were the only witnesses to the start of the fight and they claim the other guy started it. Most people believe them, just because Mingi isn’t known for lying since he knows people are so scared of him that he doesn't really have to. Also, Yeosang had a decent amount of injuries too. A broken arm, swollen lip, black eye, and fractured rip substantiated what Mingi and Jonho claimed. But, if anything, that made Yeosang even scarier. The arm that was broken was the one he’d used to beat the guy up, how could he be capable of such things when he was so hurt?

No one ever tried to bother Yeosang after that and he never got in another fight which made people think that the guy really did start it, even if Yeosang was still scary.

Yeosang enjoys skateboarding, video games, and flying his drones and it’s while he’s in the park doing the latter that he first spots you walking your pet.

Yeosang stalks you from that moment onward.

He won’t be like Yunho and blow off all his responsibilities to be near you, but he will use all of his free time and carve out a little extra where he can to follow you. Since I’m not a stalker and I have a short ass attention span, so I can’t for the life of me begin to explain why it brings him so much genuine enjoyment to just do nothing but watch you for hours at a time but it does.

He’ll spend about a year watching you and learning every single thing he can about you before he comes into your life like your very own Prince Charming on a white skateboard. You’ll fall for him hard and fast. He’s kind, caring, understanding, and seems to just instantly know you better than you know yourself.

He’s just as clingy as Mingi, and he’s more lenient with you, but it’s more because he puts you on this high pedestal that the rest of humanity is nowhere near. He and Jongho are similar in that they think their S/O is a god/dess that can do no wrong.

It’s always someone else’s fault, never yours.

Yeosang will take you on cute dates and teach you to skateboard and play video games and let you win cause he’s whipped. You’re in love and you think everything’s going perfect.

Because Yeosang’s yandere trademark is that he will be the only one who will make an effort to hide what he is from you.

He is sneaky and you’ll probably never know how sick and fucked up he is.

Yandere!Yeosang likes killing. He likes making someone pay when he thinks they’ve wronged you or your relationship. It gives him a rush of adrenaline and power that nothing can compare to. He’ll purposefully go out and show you off on dates, just to have an excuse to murder everyone he thinks is looking at you longer than necessary.

He’ll get away with it too. He’s friends with Seonghwa, who makes all his seven friend’s problems magically disappear.

Yandere!Yeosang may seem better than the others, because he never displays his toxicity toward you but he might actually be one of the worse ones because he’s a complete serial killer.

“Thank you for being by my side, baby. You’re the only one that’s ever made me feel this way.”

San

The Jekyll and Hyde

Alright, I’m soft as fuck for this adorable sweetheart, it’s gonna take all I got to write him like this.

OK, so firstly.

Choi San is the most two-faced ass bitch you’ve ever met in your life. I mean, seriously. San’s duality is already scary but Yandere San would be on another level, his yandere side came completely out of left field.

San’s first side, the side that you will see for the first few months of your relationship, is his sweet, bubbly, cute side. Both sides of San are hyper and energetic, but this side is also caring and sweet and kind. He’s funny and loves playing games and making people laugh. He’s a social butterfly and has tons of friends and he’s really sensitive and easy to start crying. He’s almost like a child.

Ironically, he also likes reading and watching mukbang videos in silence.

Then there’s his other side. In your head, you refer to him as Other San, because he’s just so different from the regular one. San doesn’t have dissociative identity disorder. Other San isn’t a different personality, and no matter whether he’s being San or Other San, he knows everything he’s done and there are no gaps in his memory.

At one point, you even asked him if he’d ever played around with Ouija Boards or anything demonic and took him to a priest to make sure.

Demonic possession made even more sense than his extreme ass mood swings.

Other San is seductive, hot-headed, sultry, and aggressive. His movements are jerkier and his voice is raspier and the cadence and flow of his speech even changes. But he’s not a different personality and that’s what’s so scary.

San as a whole is very temperamental and emotionally unstable. You’ll be constantly walking on eggshells around him. He can change from San to Other San in the blink of an eye, with literally no warning. Sometimes, he’ll change to Other San for only a few seconds before going back to normal.

Though he almost always turns into Other San when he’s mad, he’ll turn into Other San at completely random times as well.

You CANNOT treat Other San like you do Regular San. He doesn’t want to be babied when he’s in that mode and he will make that very clear.

Regular San is unbearably clingy. He’ll follow you wherever you go and he’ll cry if you don’t give him enough attention.

Other San is down for physically punishing you when you displease him and there are no set rules as to what you should do to keep him happy. With Other San, you can do something that he’s totally fine with and then ten minutes later, you’ll do the exact same thing in the exact same way and he’ll get pissed at you for it.

Like Yandere!Yeosang, both Regular and Other San enjoy killing people. But unlike Yeosang, Yandere!San was a serial killer long before you came into the picture.

“Y/N, why were you talking to him? I told you I don’t like him! Why do you like hurting me?” San sobbed before his body froze. You gulped, your hands, which were previously trying to comfort him, were now pulled away. San wiped the tears from his face before he looked at you, eyes dark and voice rough as he said, “That’s ok, baby. I like hurting you too.”

Mingi

The Clingy Bad Boy

Song Mingi is one of the toughest cases for me. It’s very very hard for me to see him as a yandere at all. Like period. He’s so chill all the time, and I think this would translate to Yandere!Mingi.

He would largely let you do what you want. Go to school, go to work, have friends, etc. The catch? He has to be by your side at all times. Mingi is the resident bad boy at your university. He goes to class because he pays for it, but he smokes, drinks, wears leather jackets, gets into fights, and is generally an asshole. Unlike Yeosang, he’s not quiet at all. He’s loud, fiery, opinionated, aggressive, and hostile. Mingi just seems to have always been filled with this destructive inferno of unquenchable fury at the world for even daring to bring him into existence. His friends made him calm down a little, enjoy life a little more but it’s not the same.

It’s not the same as when he met you.

Yandere!Mingi seems like the type to go for a soft, sweet S/O and when he saw you, he was hooked. Your softness makes him have a little compassion for the world, a little hope that it’s not so bad after all. He knew he was bad, a dark influence on you, but he didn’t care in the slightest. He didn’t want you to be tainted by anyone but him.

Mingi feeds off of your innocence and happiness, which is why he lets you do what you want for the most part. He just doesn’t tolerate anyone looking at you in a less than friendly way. He doesn’t kill, he’s not like Yeosang. He doesn’t have to. He’s not opposed to it, but he would much rather beat your suitors within an inch of their lives and be able to forever take pride in the terror that appears on their faces whenever they see you two again.

Even though he’s lenient about friends, it doesn’t really matter. Mingi creeps your friends the fuck out.

He’s always glued to your side and even though he doesn’t stop you from interacting with them or call for your attention, he just sits there and glares. They’ve never even heard him talk unless it’s to you or his friends.

Because Mingi considers himself to give you so much freedom, he will get all the more upset if you do something that he thinks is out of bounds in your relationship. He thinks it’s disrespectful that he “gives” you so much and you repay him by doing things you know he hates. Mingi’s punishments are going to revolve around sex and humiliation. He’s a hormonal ass teenager and something about seeing his sweet innocent S/O being humiliated by him makes him go feral. I can almost guarantee that you won’t be enjoying these punishments, cause not only would they be physically painful, his degradation would be things that he knows are going to hit you hard emotionally. The number one thing you can do to piss him off and get punished is leaving him by himself. He pretty much doesn’t give a damn what you do as long as you’re together and he doesn’t give a fuck how suffocating his presence is, that’s not more important to him than his need for you.

Mingi needs to be in your presence at all times, it keeps him sane. He thinks you’re like the fire extinguisher to that blazing sun that burns inside his sick mind. You once went away on a school trip for two days and you came back to the entire apartment trashed, stuff was thrown all over the floors, holes in the walls, scratches on the hardwood floors. Mingi didn’t say anything, just stalked over to you silently, knuckles dripping with blood and eyes feral, body trembling with rage. It was the first time that the realization of how big he was, how strong he was, absolutely terrified you. Even his voice, usually loud and boisterous was monotoned and dead, a stark contrast to his murderous eyes.

“Don’t leave me again.”

It’s not a request.

Wooyoung

The Incubus

Jung Wooyoung is a demon.

I’m not kidding, Yandere!Wooyoung is a literal demon. An incubus, to be exact.

Even though Yandere!San and Yeosang are literal serial killers and Yandere!Hongjoong’s a spouse-beating jackass, I just KNOW Wooyoung’s gonna be the one that pisses y’all off the most.

Because Wooyoung cheats. He will literally fuck like three people a day, and no matter how he feels about you or how close you two get, that will never change. He won’t feel bad or guilty for it either. He’ll enjoy each and every fuck and you’re nowhere on his mind when he screams out the other person’s name and finds his release in them.

Wooyoung doesn’t see what his feelings have to do with his sex life and he thinks that you, a lowly human, should be grateful he has any interest in you in the first place.

Since Wooyoung is a supernatural being, he could theoretically just kidnap you and be done with it, but that’s not fun for him.

He plagues your dreams for weeks before he starts showing up in real life. Sometimes, he’ll make sure that only you see him, so people will think you’ve lost it and it can ruin your credibility when you start screaming at him. Sometimes he’ll appear to you in the disguise of other horrific-looking demons so that you think he’s not so bad after all.

He wants to be the only one you can turn to. Him being a demon and all, I don’t see you standing a chance really.

It’ll be easy for him to get inside your head and make you trust and love him, completely willing to ignore how cruel he is to you.

Wooyoung likes for you to be the one chasing him. That’ll be his favorite part of this whole thing. Once he’s broken you, his favorite punishments will be to either ignore you or to make you watch while he fucks someone else and then prove you can please him better afterward.

Yandere!Wooyoung will probably kill people too, now that I think about it. He’d use it as a tool to make you submit to him more and it’s foolproof because he’s a demon. You can’t tell the police and he could easily fabricate evidence that points to you being the killer.

Like I said, since he’s a demon, you don’t have a chance in hell, excuse the pun.

“Always remember, love, you’re only alive because I want you to be. So you better be good for me, hmm?”

Jongho

The Overprotective Guard Dog

Jongho is gonna be absolutely devoted to you. Seriously, if people didn’t know any better, they’d think he was your bodyguard or your servant or something.

Whether you’re older or younger doesn’t matter, he sees you as a divine being and his purpose is to protect and worship you. He thinks other people are disgusting for not seeing how perfect and ethereal you are.

And that means they don’t deserve to live.

I picture Jongho as being exactly like Yuno Gasai from Mirai Nikki. Anyone who’s watched that anime or knows yandere knows that she is the Yandere Queen and the epitome of the whole trope.

For a large part, you and Jongho would be a normal couple. You might go to different classes and work but you always meet up for meals and come home to your shared apartment at the end of the day. He makes you laugh and he’s doting and sweet.

It’s not yourself or him that he has to worry about. It’s other people.

Jongho takes it upon himself to kill, hurt, maim, or terrorize anyone who hurts you. This could be in the form of people who actually physically hurt you, people who bully or disrespect you, or just people who look at you wrong.

If the person is of better use to you alive, then he’ll just hurt or scare them. If not then they’re dead meat.

Jongho doesn’t really enjoy killing, he actually finds it gross, but he won’t think twice about doing it when it comes to you.

Jongho is the only yandere that wouldn’t mind not being your lover. He would prefer to be, but he just wants the honor of being near you, making you happy, and protecting you, in whatever role he can.

Your happiness is the most important to him and if someone else makes you happy then you will have them. Even if they don’t like you back, Jongho will force them to be with you so that you can be happy and they better not ever say anything about his involvement.

He’d be your best friend and really good at acting normal so you probably wouldn’t believe them anyway.

“Your smile is gorgeous, Y/N. I’ll do anything to see it.” 

The Asteroid Belt 

[keroujack]

break on through

billy doesn't really get it. Them. the Doors.

he's from california and they were california grown so the people around here have this like, pride and attachment to them he can kind of see.

if he squints. for a few minutes.

if he squints harder he can remember the day the news came on the radio, the guy's voice that said it. ‘jim morrison of the doors found dead at 27 in paris’

he thinks of his mom, the way she gasped and moved a little closer to the radio on the counter, the way his dad rounded the corner a minute later and turned it off with a huff, said ‘got what was coming to him. just what happens when you choose to live like that.’ 

so billy, he's aware of them. the Doors. he's got friends that listen to them. doesn't turn them off when they come on the radio, but he never stops long enough to actually listen. like, really listen. doesn't totally give them the time of day because he likes metal. likes the way it makes his blood too hot for his body. metal's good. it's loud and angry and he just. gets that. it gets him. it works

but he gets in a fight with neil one night, a bad one. storms out of the house without a thought in hell as to where he's gonna go until he remembers mikey's parents are out of town so, mikey's house. that sounds like a good idea.

he knocks on the door and mikey answers and billy can hear the record playing from somewhere behind him, hears the strain of ‘you know the day destroys the night, night divides the day’ and it feels oddly fitting when they break into the liquor cabinet after billy's been running so long while ‘tried to run, tried to hide’ is yelling in the next room over.

mikey doesn't stop the music while they sit back in his room, the record's spinning somewhere over in the corner and billy's head's been spinning since he left the house and it's getting worse since he started drinking but. the music keeps going. he doesn't hate it. laughs a little too loud when, a few songs in, he hears ‘yeah i'm a back door man’ and laughs harder when mikey doesn't get it. because of course he wouldn't. billy doesn't try to explain it. and they just keep listening

soon enough, they're on the last song and billy's drunker than he thought. the song, it's kinda. peaceful. in a weird way. kinda hypnotic. and the words start. and billy lays back with his head on the carpet. stares at the ceiling. listens. 

‘can you picture what will be, so limitless and free?’

and he can't. actually. billy's never been limitless or free a day in his life. and he can't help but close his eyes and wonder what that would be like. keeps listening. lets the words wrap around him and make him kinda sleepy and then the singing stops and he's, jim morrison's, well, talking. and talking. and billy's so far gone and he's so angry and so drunk and ‘father? yes son. i want to kill you’

and oh billy gets that. and then the talking stops. and jim morrison's screaming

and billy kinda gets it now

because this guy, he does that. he screams and billy's been screaming for so long he doesn't know how he's got any of his voice left. and this guy, he screams and he says 'fuck’. on the radio. he screams and he says 'fuck’ and he's got this face that says ‘look at me’, this voice that says, ‘listen to me’ and billy says, ‘look at me. listen to me’ wherever he goes and

people? they were sad when he died. jim morrison. he screamed and said ‘fuck’ and demanded attention and got it and got arrested on stage and they were sad. they cried. some people are still crying and billy realizes maybe abrasive doesn't mean bad. not if people are crying over you.

and billy loves it.

and then he's in hawkins.

he's in hawkins and his face is still stinging where he got slapped and it's january and january in hawkins means awfully fucking cold and steve harrington is walking along the side of the road and billy's just stupid enough, just feeling out of himself enough to stop the car and let him in.

they don't say anything. harrington doesn't thank him. billy doesn't ask why he was walking along the side of the road in hawkins in january. the radio eats at the silence. 

and then the drums, billy knows those drums, and that voice, ‘five to one, baby, one in five’, billy certainly knows that voice, comes in and he turns the radio up. tilts his head back. screams with jim morrison the way he's been doing since mikey's house and he's halfway through ‘trade in your hours for a handful of dimes’ when he realizes harrington's looking at him

but billy doesn't stop. screams. screams and screams and screams and harrington's just got this look on his face billy doesn't know how to interpret, like maybe billy's crazy. and billy knows he's crazy, knows harrington knows it, so he doesn't stop.

turns out, harrington needed to scream a little, too. and billy’s glad to know how pretty he looks when he does. 

fast forward. december 8th 1987. they're in california. steve came with him. billy's at ucla (which had ‘nothing to do with the fact that jim morrison went to ucla, how the fuck do you even know that, steve?’) and things are. good. they're so good.

december's the end of the semester and billy's a little stressed about finals and he's cooking dinner while steve's on his way home from work because he needs to stop worrying about tests so much and it's 

‘december 8th’, the guy on the radio says, ‘jim morrison's birthday. he would've been 44 today, but he belongs to the 27 club forever’ and so he says they're gonna play Soft Parade straight through to celebrate.

billy rolls his eyes. Soft Parade kinda sucks. Objectively speaking. fuckin pop nonense. but he doesn't turn the radio off.

he maybe kinda likes the second song. that's it. might be dancing around the kitchen, humming under his breath, ‘c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon now, touch me babe,’

doesn't hear steve come through the door. doesn't see him at the edge of the room.

hums ‘what was that promise that you made? i'm gonna love you til the heavens stop the rain. i'm gonna love you til the stars fall from the sky, for you and i’ and only notices steve is there when he laughs.

a soft little thing.

and billy feels his cheeks heat.

plays it off by getting a little louder. hams it up. bops around and holds the spoon up to his mouth with two hands like he's seen jim morrison do on tv reruns and makes a show out of singing at steve. 

but steve's still got this little smile on his lips by the time the song changes. billy wants to wipe it off. feels too hot with it.

gets real close and says, ‘well, you gonna touch me, babe, or what?’ but it doesn't make steve blush like he wants. at all.

steve's actually reaching up to hold the side of his neck. real soft. like billy didn't just come at him with some cheesy pickup line.

says, ‘you gonna keep that promise that you made if i do?’

it's still ringing in billy's ears. didn't know steve had really been listening.

i'm gonna love you til the heavens stop the rain

and billy's thinking well. duh. because they haven't said it. not really. not in so many words. like, he knows it, but he hasn't said it. still can't quite say it.

so he nods. and steve nods, too

he still hates Soft Parade. and it's been a couple weeks since the radio played it all the way through.

but he, well. likes Morrison Hotel. loves it. top to bottom. from ‘the future's uncertain and the end is always near’ to ‘roll on, roll on, Maggie McGill’ and he's got a tape of it he bought because it's his favorite and he's got it in because he had a bad day.

bad week.

semester's in full swing and steve's been working a lot and steam's been building between billy's ears so long and he just. needs to scream. needs a little jim morrison telling him it's okay to scream and say ‘fuck’ today.

so Morrison Hotel's in while he's got shit on the stove

and steve comes home while he's leaning with his back against the counter. arms crossed on his chest while he waits for water to boil and moves his head along with the guitar behind ‘he was a monster, black dressed in leather’ because it's familiar and

so's steve. who gets it. who sits himself up on the counter behind billy and pulls him back to lean on him, wraps his arms around billy from behind and rests his nose in his neck. sways with him and the guitar and jim morrison

and the song changes. and it's. softer. softest billy knows of them.

‘i love you the best, better than all the rest’ 

and he's. singing it. under his breath. isn't afraid of singing it with steve listening and so close. he's not trying to put on a show or play it off.

he's had a bad week and steve's here-he's here, holding billy real close because it's been a bad week and steve knows it has been so he. doesn't care.

says words he means and doesn't let his head get the best of him when he can feel steve smiling against his neck. when the song fades to the next, louder, more upbeat, and steve leans forward. whispers into his ear

‘you too’

and it's been so long that billy's been screaming with jim morrison. letting the music tell him it's okay, that it's okay to scream, that he's kinda glad it gave him this, too.

that it told him ‘i love you’ is okay, too

[pinkysfaultorbrainsfault]

animaniacs - s4e8: mindy in wonderland

episode summary: a lighthearted episode about mindy chasing a rabbit down a hole in the tree she’s always tied to, and ending up in a magical, literary dreamland. there’s no mice, but it’s fun, and takes up the whole runtime, and-- what? no, i-- look, it’s just-- i don’t--

sir, you don’t pay me at all--

alright fine ugh ughghghguhgughgu ugh.

great.

episode summary: the hip hippos are expecting a baby! unfortunately, ordering babies off the internet instead of concieving them through, like, hippo sex? appears to have its’ downsides, and instead they are presented with.... brain.

look, i don’t know either, okay? i’m dragging my hands down my face as we speak.

the rundown:

we open with the stork.

“i got a very special delivery! the rockefellers have been waiting weeks for this one.” he pronounces it “spatial”, probably because he’s high out of his mind. this is not a sober bird. please don’t drop that baby, my dude. that’s going to cause more problems than it solves, really.

spoke too soon, i guess.

unfortunately for him, our dude does exactly that, and ends up taking a bit of a tumble. gets all dizzy. this does not bode well for the plot. or the wellbeing of the baby, actually!

hold up. computer, zoom, enhance.

hmmm. that is a very familiar tiny face. troubling. anyway our resident avian expert on drugs seems to have survived his accident, and drops the baby off to the rockefellers with no further trouble.

they seem to look more. hippo shaped than usual.

“congratulations! you’re new parents!”

you’re welcome, weird stoner bird. they slam the door on him, wordlessly exacerbating his injuries. they care not for his plight, only that of their dearest, darling... not very.... hippo sized...................... baby.

hm.

“oh flavio! darling! a baby of our own, just look at him! let us call him--”

“--alfredo!”

“goo.”

alright. as existentially horrifying as this episode is, i laughed. maurice lemarche, completely dead in the face, sits in the recording booth, stretches his shoulders. “goo.” he says. deadpan. no intonation whatsoever. the audience cheers and he is given a thousand dollars.

i don’t know what it is about brain saying basically anything that appeals to my sense of humour so much. jockey for position basically did me in. i just. every time he says “goo.” i am in TEARS.

the hippos seem to have lost their enthusiasm, as anyone would have if they heard the voice of a grown man come out of their newborn baby.

“he’s... small. very small.”

“goo.”

still, marita sympathises with him. this is very definitely her child, after all! she steals him away to do mom things with, chastising flavio that ‘alfredo’ is “their little boy.”

“oh, you are right, my lightbulb of love. now our little universe has expanded to three.”

yeah, don’t include your.... shoulder... birds, then. asshole.

it’s very cute, i’ll say that. for all the fuss i make about the hippos, they do love each other, in a very healthy way that you don’t often see with married couples on tv. like, they’re kind of slowdancing their way out of the room. it’s nice! they would make good parents.

(”goo.” says brain, in the background, oblivious to the heterosexuality happening around him. “now, take me to my money.”)

credit to flavio and marita; they are very well prepared. this is a very loved baby. i’m not entirely sure how any child would feel about the presence of Clown Bear, but it’s the thought that counts. also i know that’s a changing table? but the design is sick and i wouldn’t mind a chest of drawers like that.

there’s also a theatre, i guess. or..... maybe just a really fancy shower???

Definitely Alfredo is gently placed on his little Alfredo Table. he appears to be asleep, or at least he’s deliberately choosing to keep his eyes closed. can’t think why.

but he, ah. sure went all out for this one. i respect brain for his dedication to the craft.

“now, sweet baby alfredo,” says marita, while the music does a terrifying swell in the background, for some reason, “it is time for your first bath.”

please stop looking at me like that, marita. YOU ARE NOT IMMUNE TO BATHING. am i about to be inducted into the alfredo cult?? i am, admittedly, a manlet, but i would like to think i am also unmistakably larger than a baby hippo.

(google has no data about the height of a baby hippo, apparently. they do weigh about 100lbs at birth, though, so i guess i have to be careful with this losing weight shtick. not that i’m ever gonna weigh 100lbs, quite frankly, but the minute i do marita’s gonna climb through my window and steal me off to los angeles.)

(i’m terrified.) (on the other hand, they’re definitely going to give me back as soon as they work out how much my medication costs over there.)

i’m literally babbling nonsense, at this point. anyway. brain gets a bath.

remember to Wosh U Mouse. wash he teeth and soul. marita proclaims excitedly that “babies love the bath”, and Definitely Alfredo is Definitely Enjoying Himself, judging by the screaming, so, yknow, good for him.

and then, i guess, flavio just pours boiling water on him for no reason, so brain freaks out and launches himself into the light fitting.

because wouldn’t anybody?

the hippos freak out a bit when the lights stop working, but soon get brain back down to resume their usual Alfredo Activities.

“this is highly undignified.”

but still, marita loves him.

and then she stabs him in the dick, i guess.

“GAH.”

“oops ):”

fortunately, nobody ever died of getting stabbed in the dick (as far as i know?) but even magical babies delivered by amazon need to get their vitals checked, so flavita take him to the hospital anyway.

bomf.

i’ll be dead honest with you, this scene is just torture porn. i’ll summarise it as best i can.

temperature is fine. blood pressure is normal. i am pretty sure inflating babies is not standard medical practice, but brain is cosmically unable to have a good day or he dies, i guess.

the doctor shows up.

“oh, but you’re a cutie. say aaaah.”

“if you think that you’re going to stick that thing in my--”

it’s not very comfortable.

“hmm. rather puny.”

“you have to feed him more.”

NOW LET’S TEST YOUR REFLEXES

i’m pretty sure this man has never been to medical school.

“and now to vaccinate. my, that’s a lot of zeros.”

my, that’s a... screenshot that lives on my laptop now, i guess. hopefully nobody i know ever has to borrow this thing, for whatever reason.

“i’ll see you in three months for a booster shot,” says dr acme, as brain swells and changes colours in a way that no baby ever should.

i feel like this is a good time to interject - my issue with this episode is not the core themes, or anything surrounding them. it’s the amount of unrestrained suffering that goes on within that. like. okay. if this was some kind of consensual dynamic between the three of them for-- whatever reason???? stress?????? - like i wouldn’t mind. i wouldn’t care. consenting adults can do whatever they want with their bodies. this is a positive space. no judgement here on pinkys fault or brains fault dot com.

but it’s not and brain spends most of the episode in pain and terrified and that’s really what i object to above all else. it’s the same problem i have with peatb, really. brain can wear as many cute dresses as he wants, but he’s gotta want to wear them.

but they’re back at the Hippo Digs now so. it’s fine, i guess.

“such a good boy. that trip to the doctor wasn’t so bad, was it?”

hm.

still, it appears i can never escape Terrifying News Lady, even in this hellscape. flavio does the classic dad thing of sitting down with the tv as soon as he’s home, leaving marita to deal with getting Definitely Alfredo settled in his correctly-sized-for-a-baby-hippo baby chair.

what are those straps connected to, anyway??? it’s not the chair, that’s for sure. is brain just wearing a harness for the hell of it? what on earth is going on?

but flavio! it’s time to feed the baby!

“is baby-waby hungry-wungry?” well are you, cranky big head mousie??? huh????

sorry for the paralysing fear that probably caused all of you. undeterred, the terrifying news lady continues to talk in the background about the “richest and most influential child in the world.”

oh no.

oh no.

flavio vaguely wonders if they waited too long to feed their baby, as he has what could be possibly classified as a tantrum.

“you sophomoric, corpulent, pachycerebal aristrocrats! you are imposters and i demand to be taken to the rockefellers immediately!”

the birds don’t care. they’re chilling. marita attributes this to “baby gibberish” while flavio wonders about the “vocabulary he learnt from mr rogers”. he’s maybe a few hours old, at this point, a day tops, but i guess hippos learn latin in pre-k or something.

anyway so then they stick a tube down his throat and inflate him with guacamole.

and with that, “alfredo looks healthier already!”

this is the second time brain has been inflated in this episode. it is unsurprising that he dedicates his nights from this point to raising absolute hell.

but he needs pats first because he ate too much. :<

cut to that night, i guess! where brain is very convincingly crying. very loudly. the hippos look unimpressed, despite the fact that this is literally the most common factor of signing up for a baby.

“it’s the baby. you take care of him.”

well. alright.

air mouse. nyoom. he seems to catapult himself at something, like, once per episode. it’s on par with the closeups by now, surely.

bomp.

unfortunately, the bear is not weightbearing (bear ing. lol) and falls off the shelf on an epic quest for a Great Big Hug.

the resulting bomp alerts the hippos, who go fully, entirely haywire the moment they work out that Definitely Alfredo is not in his correctly-sized-for-a-baby-hippo baby bed.

turns out flavio sat on him.

“really, flavio, be more careful where you sit.”

so they put a padlock on his crib.

this is completely useless. i know this. brain knows this. he’s small enough to just... fit through the bars. but he decides to be dramatic, instead, because that’s what he does best.

“attica! attica! i want out! let me out!”

i am not old enough to get this reference.

i am, however, old enough to empathise with this exact emotion. i feel kind of bad for the hippos, actually. i’m sure they were doing what they thought was... right? in the context of... thinking they had a baby hippo rather than an adult mouse. easy mistake to make. i go check on my weirdly tiny hippos in their hippo cage all the time.

but who could be at the door?

“there seems to have been a mix up. uh. i have your baby right here.”

and guys?

i need to tell you how fast they just throw brain at the guy. it’s actually a little heartbreaking.

but! it’s okay! he still has time to make it to the rockefellers before they......... die. i guess.

man, this plan was not thought out very well.

conclusion:

thank god this is almost over.

the stork repackages the baby, who is now a good few hours old, at least, and delivers the bundle to the very, very different looking house.

they are not any nicer.

“oh, reggie. just look at him.”

“goo.”

“well, frau haussenheffer, we’re off on a cruise. goodbye baby. see you in a year.”

parenting!

“alright then. staff, we have a brand new charge.”

oh dear.

brain, as one can imagine, is having none of this.

but unfortunately, neither is the carpet.

bomp. cause of death: suffocating in the rockefeller mansion carpet.

good thing it all sort of blurs out, huh.

“brain?” AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA “brain.” AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA “brain, wake up.”

“i was dreaming?”

oh, thank god for that.

“oh, pinky, you wouldn’t believe the nightmare i had.” and it’s... probably best not to tell him, actually.

“it must have been a doozy, brain! but, oh, a delivery came for you.”

“it’s the rockefeller baby. can we keep it?”

oh dear.

so let’s ignore the fact that this asks more questions than it answers-- but okay, was that a dream within a dream, and why was brain dreaming about that in the first place, and-- and mark this one down as a severe case of outside influence.

brain: 3 ½ pinky: 5 ½ outside influence: 10

“it’s not too late. i demand that you deliver me to the rockefellers immediately!”

“

“aw, how cute. i just love baby gibberish.”

[munsonsduchess]

So, I re-watched The Old Guard, again. Just like my Mag 7 re-watch I made some notes, six pages of them to be exact which is why I’m gonna drop them under the cut so I don’t clutter up anyone’s dash with my mildest of observations and all my feelings for a sad alcoholic Frenchman. 

I love how we’re introduced to everyone, Andy walking alone through Marrakesh and Booker speeding through the narrow streets on his bike. Are we supposed to think they’re strangers or do they know each other

Bookers little smile when he catches up to Andy like he’s so happy to see her again and Andy’s face lighting up to see him again too

Andy spent a fortune on a book because she knew Booker would like it. “First edition Don Quixote, that wouldn’t come cheap” “it didn’t”

“What brings you to Marrakech?” // “Family'' leave me alone I’m already sobbing

Andy honey they’ll still be able to see that picture in deleted photos but you tried and that’s what matters

Nicky and Joe!

Nicky is so happy to see Andy. That little smile. It’s adorable

“You look good” “you look ok” gentle family teasing is the best ok

“Boss”

It’s been a year since they saw one and other and they just love each other so much. No one touch me.

Nicky and Booker betting on the baklava and Joe just sitting there like “let him lose his money it’s fine, he won’t learn and it’s funny”

Everyone teasing Nicky for loosing and he’s just stood there like “no it’s fine ”

These are the best people for the job and Copley knows it and doesn’t care how much it will cost him. He has faith

Copley knowing Nicky is there and the little wave

Andy taking her axe with her. I love that axe

Just a group of immortals walking through the desert with swords and guns nothing to see here

“Peace be with you” those catholic teachings never quite leave

“It’s a trap!”

That has got to hurt. Those guys emptied full clips into them. Like I get the need to do a job and do it well but come on guys that’s overkill

This is what women want. Andy and her axe

Nicky still having faith there are girls

The picture on Copley’s desk. Like if you knew why did you have to go through this bullshit?

Andy has lived too long and seen too much

Like I know now that Booker knew what was happening or maybe he didn’t know the extent of it but him saying sorry did feel genuine

Andy is just all kinds of done. She didn’t want to do the job in the first place

Nile proving that yes you can be in a strange place and you can serve your country but you don’t have to be a dick about it

“Keep it respectful”

She made an effort to learn the language and learn the customs which goes a long way to establish trust

How traumatic must this have been for Nile? She always knew there was a possibility of being injured in combat or worse never coming home but to be injured so fatally and have your friend hold your life in their hands only to come back and be rejected because you’re an anomaly. A freak

Goes a long way to explain Booker’s feelings too

Nicky and Joe sleeping in the train car is something that is obviously so normal for couples and goes such a long way to show people how ‘normal’ queer people are

“What did you see?” “Part of a name tag” thanks Booker that’s helpful

“I felt her die”

“Everything happens for a reason boss”

Booker didn’t want to go after Nile. He didn’t want her involved

Nicky pushing for them to go after Nile. The emotional centre of the group, appealing to their own experiences and feelings from their first times

Andy is not happy and I can understand how she feels. Given their current situation bringing an unknown element into the mix is only going to complicate everything

“I know I saw her die”

No scarring. Nothing to suggest that anything happened to Nile

The seeds of doubt already growing amongst Nike’s friends and allies

Merrick looks like he should have been a doctor who villain who got his shit kicked in by Donna

Copley you asshole what did you think was gonna happen? They were just gonna get clips emptied into their bodies and let the mercs walk away? Use your big boy brain

Nile trying to come to terms with what happened to her. Everyone around her looking at her with suspicion. Even her Sargent who’s sending her away from more tests

The hostility in the barracks. The fact that her things are already packed.

Everyone knows what happened. Nile has never been more alone just like Nicky said

Trying to drown out the noise of the world and decompress and understand what happened“

But you can call me Andy”

Just casually steals a military transport. Nbd

MA’AM PLEASE I AM ALREADY GAY. Riding around in a tank top and shades like that is not helping

“These damn kids” 

Zero hesitation in shooting Nile. This is a woman who has run out of every kind of fuck

“Why does it always have to be so goddamn slow the first couple of times?”

“You shot me” “yes honey now back in the car

”Andy might think she’s cold and heartless and only here to do a job but you can see how much she already cares about what happens to Nile

Soldiers. Fighters. Family

You know what I’m really glad they didn’t make Andy’s tank top skin tight or moulded to show off her body. That isn’t how she rolls

Andy is so proud that Nile stabbed her. Look at that smile

!Nile already having the makings of a plan within minutes of stepping onto the plane

Andy just like “god isn’t real, I’m real though and people thought I was god”

I wonder how many nights the group sat up until the wee hours discussing things like theology. Andy who was worshiped as a god. Nicky and Joe who fought in a holy war for their beliefs and Booker who probably had his own feelings on the subject 

Andy being so chill about the crash. The best poker face

It was a good try Nile and look Andy is proud of you!

The smile on Andy’s face when she’s fighting with Nile gives me so much serotonin

Soft Andy. Who had to be tough to teach a lesson

Poor Nile. Coming to terms with what she is and the fact that she might never see her family again

Family dinner time!

Awkward family dinner time

Nicky and Joe staring at each each other with their puppy dog eyes “we’re meant to find each other”

Then Booker and Andy like “misery loves company”

Everyone’s just like “awh Nicky and Joe are so cute”

Andy reliving the people she’s fought with and lost

Booker knows just how much ‘help’ talking to ones family about the situation is

Booker do not put your finger on the trigger of your gun when it’s still in your trousers! You might be immortal but that’s gonna hurt a lot more

Oh no. Quynh.

Andy’s face. I can’t

Joe in tears telling the story“

Before me and Nicky it was just the two of them”

Booker knowing exactly how it feels to hang there for hours and not die or dying and coming back time and time again. Knowing how Quynh and Andy must have felt

I cannot imagine what it must have been like for Andy. To be with someone for so long. The only other person who understands you. To be ripped apart like that

“Why do you blame yourself” that’s not a nice question to ask people

The big emotional talk with Andy and Nile in the churchyard being interrupted by the gunfire

Andy being so afraid Booker wouldn’t come back and delegating to Nile who just accepts her orders

“Welcome back asshole” / “it feels like someone was dancing on my chest”

The banter

Nicky being banished to the table in the corner after 2006 is my favourite headcanon

“Wait for my signal” Andy is more pissed than ever at the people coming after her family

“Big wounds take longer to heal” Nile as a millennial presses x to doubt

The sheer emotion in Andy’s eyes as she fights. The tears. She’s doing this for her family.

Will I ever stop harping on about found family in this show? No I will not“

How can you even tell what the signal is?” One explosion later “oh wait nvm”

The wound on Andy’s shoulder probably doesn’t even feel like anything with the amount of adrenaline

The van. These two“

What is he your boyfriend?” Stanzas of Arabic poetry later, “he’s not my boyfriend he’s all and he’s more”

Nicky and Joe Horny on Main all day every day

These cocky little shits “can you remove the chains? no? ok”“

There’s a TV Joe!” “Champagne?” it’s not a field trip boys

“I used to keep my stuff here” in an abandoned mine she found in the 1150s or that’s when she thinks she found it

Nile being amazed by Andy’s ‘stuff’

Booker meanwhile makes a joke at the expense of his sister

Merrick really should have been a doctor who villain honestly. The grand gesturing the weird mood swings. He could have been great in a two part episode and then had to reckon with Donna

Donna Noble is my favourite companion don’t @ me

Copley beginning to have second thoughts on everything

Andy realising only now that she hasn’t healed from the fight in the church“

Just because we keep living doesn’t mean we stop hurting” I have a lot of Booker feelings ok“

I thought you were the brains of this outfit” oh honey no

Bookers family. Oh no.

No but really how hard must it have been for Booker. To know that his son, his baby was suffering from cancer such an awful disease all the whole cursing his father for being selfish, uncaring, cursing Booker and Booker can’t do anything about it. He’s immortal, he heals, disease will never ravage his body, but he can’t share it with his son. He can only sit and watch as death claims everyone he’s ever loved. Living with the fact that his family despised him at the end of their lives because they didn’t understand that his immortality is a curse.

I have a lot of Booker feels don’t @ me

The pharmacy girl though. Helping just because she could

Reaffirming the reason why Andy started to help people in the first place

A selfless act. A purely good deed. Nothing expected in return. An unselfish act

Andy’s wound and Lykon’s death causing Andy to come to terms with her own mortality

Merrick “prosperity data” and Copley “I’m sorry those are people not objects”

Nicky is not here for your bullshit

Malta Sex Vacation ™

HORNY JAIL

Family bonding time with Nile and Andy

Andy “whatever it takes” and Nile “not on my watch”

So what I want to know is obviously Booker was in on it from the beginning but did actively derail Andy looking into Copley after Joe and Nicky were taken or was he just genuinely having a hard time

Nile prioritising her flesh and blood family and Andy totally understanding because she’s doing this for family too“

You and me Book. Now and always” my heart can’t cope

Nile finding the empty clip. Realising what’s about to happen and going back for her new family because as much as she loves her flesh and blood family this one matters to her as well

Meanwhile Copley I guess got a tip off from Booker (?) and knew this was all going down

The conspiracy wall

Booker you bastard why did you shoot her in the back?

I love this man but god damn

Booker wanting to be ‘normal’ because the memory of being rejected is still so raw

Suicidal tendencies in a 200 year old man

They’re both so upset by the whole thing. The betrayal

Book loves this woman with all his heart and soul. This is the woman who saved him and now she isn’t healing. She’s dying

Booker putting up so much of a fight so they wouldn’t take Andy

“I’m sorry Andy I’m sorry”

You might disagree with me but in my mind Booker never meant to hurt anyone. He didn’t want to be a lab rat. Didn’t want anyone else to be a lab rat. He just wanted to be ‘normal’“

All things die”

“Your time is coming” // “As is yours” Nicky is gonna fuck someone up

“I’m new” says Nile after shooting herself in the foot to make a point

Copley’s conspiracy wall or his fanboy wall for all the good Andy, Booker, Joe and Nicky have done

Copley’s grief at losing his wife being the driving factor for handing the group over to Merrick is tragic and heart breaking and just goes to show how much of a human story this really is

Nile said no guns Copley

Nile is here to save her family

“Those three men in there and I we’ll keep you safe” // Nile coming in guns blazing for them instead

Joe is going to kill Booker himself

“You and Nicky always had each other. All we had was our grief”

Everyone being so surprised to see Nile like “what the fuck?”“

Just leave me here” // “No man left behind”

Meanwhile Joe is fine with just leaving Booker right there to be the last lab rat

The groups concern for Andy who’s always been so strong

The concern. The subtle little head nods Andy does to let them know she’s ok

Andy spies an axe

Joe being so concerned for Nicky and making sure he comes back ok

Nicky immediately scrambling to his feet to go and help Andy

“What happened in 1934?” // “1834”

“Wait for the signal” “like the last one?” “Go big or go home!”

Arguing over who goes first and Andy just “if it doesn’t work our next time you can go first”

And there’s your signal

“You shot Nicky” Joe is not messing around when it comes to his other half“

You ok?” // “Everything hurts”

Andy has been immortal for so long she’s lost all sense of feeling human. Then Nile shows up to do just that. Remind her

Merrick calling Nile selfish like I’m sorry you entitled little shit what did you say“

Do you think he speaks Russian?”

YEET!

That one must have hurt

Nicky and Joe just like “wow the new girl is hardcore”

“Faster than the elevator”

Gotta save Andy’s axe

Nicky sits in the middle which is the actual worst place to sit in a car

Do you think they al rocked up to a hotel covered in blood like “don’t ask just give us a room and a shower”

Joe still seething at Booker through the pub window

Nile having to live with the fact that her family will never know what really happened to her. That they’ll all think she was KIA and whatever body they send back won’t be hers

The 100 year naughty step

I love that Nile was gonna let Booker off with an apology like “he didn’t mean it he’s just a sad alcoholic”

Nobody look at me. Ok. Andy and Booker saying goodbye on the shore. I can’t. This is it. This is the scene that breaks me

“I won’t see you again” // “Have a little faith Book”

Joe really wants to hit Booker. Probably did in the interim

The big picture“

Maybe this is the why Andy”

Andy laying down the law and Joe in the background like “yeah this isn’t a request”

Meanwhile in Paris. Booker is tired and just wants a drink

I am a fan of the scruff though

If that’s water Quynh definitely brought it in herself for The Drama ™

QUYNH THOUGH

[gimmeyoon]

Say My Name

     ↳ Pairing: Seokjin x Reader | Mentions of Hoseok x Reader

     ↳ Setting: Beetlejuice AU

     ↳ Word Count: 6.4k

     ↳ Warnings: death, dirty talk, degradation, exhibition kink, lingerie kink, oral (f & m), unprotected sex (but it’s ghost sex and ghost’s don’t have little ghost babies or stds, unlike you, you alive human. It’s a present, wrap it).

     ❝So, you died. You’ve come to terms with it; watching over your boyfriend as you’re stuck haunting the apartment you used to live in. But now, he’s bringing new girls around, and no matter how hard you try, you can’t scare them off and you can’t leave. Time to call the ghost with the most for a little bio-exorcism, baby.❞  

Alternatively: ❝ You, your “no respect for the dead” boyfriend, and the ghost with the most: a hauntingly good time.❞

     ↳ A/N:  This beautiful header would not be possible without the goddess @/kinktae. My version was so ugly, on god. (Also clearly I made it before I was gimmeyoon and Idk where the original is so I’ll just suffer)

     Also yes, this is a Halloween fic two days after Halloween let’s pretend this never happened and this was posted when it should have been uwu

     You're dead.

     It's not as strange or as extravagant as some people might think. It's mostly spending every second of your day in your apartment. An introvert's dream.

     You're pretty sure every college student has joked about being hit by a campus bus to either get out of your finals, have your tuition paid, or whatever other inconvenience one could imagine poor driving and forgetting to look both ways could help remedy.

     Except it didn't really fix anything, and you weren't asking for it. It just happened and you died.

     It wasn't worth it.

     But you’re dead now, and that’s just life, or you guess death.

     Pros of being dead: you know thanks to your haunting situation, that your boyfriend Hoseok got all ‘As’ for the first-time last semester.

     The haunting situation is something you hadn't expected. You're not sure you would call yourself a skeptic, but you certainly didn't imagine people were tied to their homes for decades with no where else to go. You suppose it's nice that you get to watch over Hoseok, but it's not like he'll be here forever.

     He was so sad at first, it broke your heart. But he’s healing, and every day you try to leave him little promises that you’re still there like spraying your perfume in your room so that he smells you when he wakes up in the morning or by helping him keep the place clean. He hasn’t noticed really any of it, which you think is strange, since he must realize he doesn’t clean enough for the place to look like this.

     That’s your life now, literally Hoseok’s maid. There’s nothing else you can do. You tried leaving the apartment once, and you were met with a creature you’ve never seen before and hope to never see again. It was otherworldly, that's all you can really say to describe it. You suppose you are too now.

     You’re not sure if you can die again, probably not, but if you could, that thing would be the cause.

     Hoseok turns off the light in the hallway as he walks back into your bedroom. He always looked so cute when he was sleepy; his hair ruffled and a small smile on his face. He crawls into his side of the bed, something that makes your heart fond. He still leaves space for you.

     You lay down beside him, as you do every night. You turn to look at him, and for a moment it seems like he’s looking back at you. But he’s not. He never is.

     And as he closes his eyes, you place a kiss to his forehead that has him swatting as if there is a bug when you pull away.

     “Good night, Hoseok,” you said. “I love you.”

     You remember what it was like when he used to say it back. It made you feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

      One single pound against the door to your apartment has you jumping out of your skin. You remind yourself that you're dead as you pick up the heaviest object closest to you. It doesn't make your heart beat any slower.

     You slowly make your way towards the door, as you hear it unlocking, and when it swings open, Hoseok appears oh.

     You sigh in relief as you set the book you had grabbed down; not so sure it would have protected you anyways. Also, not so sure you needed protecting. So far, all the secrets to being dead were in a very dense book that you kept hidden from Hoseok in a box of your things that he had put in the back of your closet.

     “Oh, Hoseok,” you said, a light laugh falling from your lips. “I was so worried.”

     And then you see her. And before you can truly process what is happening, the thud happens again as he pushes her against the closed-again door.

     “Oh my god,” you breathe as a hand comes up to cover your eyes. “This is not happening.”

     You repeat this as you walk away from the entrance of the apartment to the kitchen. You consider looking for a knife, figuring a floating weapon would probably send the message you were looking to communicate, but a pull in your heart told you otherwise.

     Hoseok deserved to be happy. He deserved to move on, even though you were pretty sure the mourning period for dead-too-soon girlfriend and supposed love of your life was not over yet. Regardless, Hoseok deserved to be happy.

     You almost convince yourself that.

     But god damn it, you deserve to be happy too.

     Whatever Hoseok is doing, has that girl moaning obnoxiously loud, and if you have to hear that all night, you’ll go back to that creature in that wasteland and perish. It would probably be less painful than this. There's no way it could be worse.

     You hear the bedroom door click shut, and your body relaxes a little. You didn’t realize how tense you were until now. You move out in the living room, laying your head on one decorative pillow and pressing another over your exposed ear. If you’re lucky, it’ll be over quickly, and you can pretend this never happened.

     The TV turns on in front of you and you curse assuming you’ve laid down on the remote, but then you see it on the table.

     You sit up quickly, your eyes glued to the advertisement before you.

     "Do you have a human infestation that's making the afterlife, hell?" A man asks. He's sitting at a desk like he's a lawyer in one of those personal injury commercials, except you've never seen a lawyer with green hair like him. Regardless, you suppose it makes sense considering your heart has been seriously injured tonight.

     "Do you just want to spend your after-days in peace just as you were promised on Earth, but the living keep getting in the way? If you answered yes to either of these questions, then I'm the man to call. The world's leading bio-exorcist, I'll make sure those that are ruining your retirement from life get what they deserve. Just say my name three time."

     "Bio-exorcist?" you repeated, the word even feeling fake in your mouth. There was no way that was real.

     "New family move into your home? Landlord trying to remodel? Boyfriend sleeping around?" He seemed to lean forward and meet your eyes as he said that, as if he not only knew that was your exact situation but could also see you.

     It's enough to have you grabbing the remote quickly and turning the TV off. You take a few moments to calm down before lying back on the couch and closing your eyes.

     Of all the weird things about being dead, that might just be the weirdest.

     She left early the next morning and instead of your usual kind ways of reminding Hoseok you were still around, you settled on minor inconveniences.

     When he was watching basketball later that day, you kept changing the channel. When he made Ramen for dinner, you made it cold before he could even take his first bite. When he went to bed that night, you kept dropping things, so that he got too nervous to sleep.

     It was the only way you were able to say, 'I'm here, motherfucker, cut it out.'

     You were lucky your boyfriend was a scaredy. It wasn’t difficult to scare him.

     But as before, he doesn't think too much of it. Hoseok was easy to scare but a skeptic apparently. You considered cutting his hair in his sleep, how else would he explain that, but as you brushed his light brown hair away from his forehead. You couldn't bring yourself to do it.

     He had grown it out a little since you'd died, and you liked how it looked. You had been worried it was because he was too sad to go to the barber. You weren't 100% sure that wasn't the case, but he took care of it, and it was the first time in a while he had styled his hair with his forehead showing.

     It was nice but you sometimes wished you could just tell him you liked it. If only he could know that you thought he looked good that way.

     He has another girl over the next weekend and you consider cutting his hair anyways.

     The worst part is you mumble a thank you when you realize she's quieter than the last girl. You hate yourself for even thinking that. You hate that there's a situation where you would.

     You’re in the living room again, reading your guide to being dead, when the newspaper falls from the table. You flinch at the movement, and for a moment wonder if there's a ghost in this apartment.

     The next moment you're laughing lightly because of course there is.

     You pick it up, still laughing to yourself, when something catches your eye. It's opened to an ad, and it's the same man from the TV ad a week ago. He's definitely the same man, green hair slicked back and strikingly handsome, but this time he wears a black and white striped suit. The ad reads the same as the commercial the other day, he's the world's best bio-exorcist and he can get rid of your human infestation. His name is written in big letters behind his smiling face, 'Beetlejuice.'

     You're a little offended that he would refer to Hoseok as an infestation.

     Another weekend later it's another girl. You're beginning to think it's all too much.

    According to the book you’re stuck here for the next 125 years, and you’re not really in the mood to listen to Hoseok fuck whoever he pleases for the rest of his lease. God forbid he re-up it and stays another year.

     If there is a god. You're not so sure even though you suppose you're the leading expert on this now. Is this Hell? It couldn't be heaven. There was never any briefing on the whole god thing when you died. Maybe it's in that god-forsaken book. God-forsaken, that's how you feel.

     You say it without thinking the first time, just considering your options. “Beetlejuice.”

     The second time you say it you get a little thrill at the thought of that girl running out of the apartment terrified. “Beetlejuice.”

     The third time you hesitate for a moment. Hoseok does deserve to be happy. But then he moans, and you think he should rot. “Beetlejuice!”

     He appears before you in a flash of light, that as you falling back in shock onto the couch. You're not sure what you thought incantation would do, He’s not what you expected, much more casual than his lawyer-like commercials, wearing an oversized hoodie, skinny jeans, and sneakers. He would fit in on your college campus well, especially with his green hair.

     “Beetlejuice?” you ask, gaping up at him.

     “You rang?” he smiled. “God, nothing gets me off quite like a beautiful woman who can’t stop saying my name. Feel free to call me Seokjin from now on. I’d say we’re friends at this point, I mean look at us, who would have thought?”

     You sit there in silence just staring at him and letting the situation sink in. He came out of no where and said that.

     “Oh good, I called a pervert into my apartment.”

     “I believe you called the world’s leading bio-exorcist," he said, rolling his eyes.

     “Why does it sound like you’re the world’s only bio-exorcist.”

     He laughed at this throwing an arm over your shoulder. "You know, I get that a lot?"

     "You certainly don’t look like the world’s leading anything."

     “What not dressed for the job?” he frowned as he shook his head. Suddenly he snapped his fingers and he was wearing the black and white striped suit from the print ad. “What about now?”

     “Great,” you deadpanned.

     "Now, what seems to be the matter at hand?"

     As if on cue, Hoseok moans from the bedroom.

     "Got some noisy house guests?" he asked, a smirk on his face.

     "My boyfriend has no respect for the dead," you replied, staring intensely at the bedroom door.

     "Oh, love," he said. "what's it good for besides heart break?"

     You didn't answer him, your attention captured by the activities in the other room. It almost physically hurt, as if the sound could slap you across the face.

     "Listen, kid," he said, snapping his fingers and bringing your attention back to him. "I can help you fix this problem, but I'm going to need something else in return."

     "What do you need?" you asked, a bit skeptically. His ads never said anything about that and you sort of doubted that it was going to be a fair price. Maybe it was the suit that made you suspicious, the green hair, or maybe it was his general aura. It was probably all three together.

     "I'm what some might call, on the run," he said. "I was cursed into this horrible, dead end job, seriously no areas for advancement, just serving the dead for the rest of my life, and I couldn't take it anymore. So I left, but that made me a wanted man. If you want me to scratch your back, even though it is a wonderful back," he said, his eyes drifting to your ass and staying there for longer than you would like, "then I'll need you to scratch mine."

     "Sounds horrifying," you said, glaring at him.

     "Don't knock it until you try it, kid."

     "What do you need from me," you said, curtly.

    "To break the curse, I need to marry a living person. We'll get your boy out of here, get someone new to move in, you be my wing woman and then bada bing bada boom we've got a broken curse and human infestation taken care of."

     "What person in their right mind would marry a ghost?"

     Seokjin winks at you. "The ghost with the most baby, any guy or gal would be so lucky."

     “What’s he afraid of?” Seokjin asks later as the two of you stand over Hoseok as he sleeps.

     “Everything,” you replied.

    “Everything? Then why do you need my help?”

     “He’s not paying attention to anything I do I guess.”

     “Common problem in relationships. The chick just talk talk talks and the guy never listens.”

     “You’re an ass, you know that?”

     “An ass with a great ass,” he responds, turning his butt towards you and pulling your hand towards him.

     “Rot,” you respond, as you tear your hand from him before it touches it.

     “Somewhere I am, or I guess I probably already have.”

     “Yeah? How long have you been dead?”

     “700 years?” he says, looking off into the distance.

     “Jesus,” you said, shaking your head, eyes wide at the thought.

     “No, Seokjin. Jesus died nearly 2,000 years ago.”

     “Thanks for the history lesson, Beetlejuice.”

     “Stop,” he warned, his face growing dark and serious. “Call me Beetlejuice again, and I’ll eat your boyfriend.”

     “Can you eat him?” you asked warily, moving in between Hoseok and Seokjin.

     “Sure,” he said with a shrug. “Who’s going stop me?”

     “The laws of physics.”

     “If you can touch him you can eat him,” Seokjin said, placing a hand on Hoseok’s face, causing the latter to stir in his sleep.

     “Put that on a t-shirt.”

     “Done,” Seokjin said, snapping his fingers.

     You looked down to find a black t-shirt now adorning your body with the aforementioned phrase across from it.

     “You’re right, you shouldn’t be a civil servant. You should be in the t-shirt game,” you said before turning to walk to the kitchen.

    "Bio-exorcist by day," he said, his hands accenting his words dramatically as he followed you, "t-shirt entrepreneur by night," he seemed to consider it for a moment. "I like the way you think, kid."

     Seokjin pauses for a moment, just looking back at you as if he is trying to get a better sense of you.

    "If he’s scared of everything," Seokjin said. "Then this should be easy, but personally I think we should have fun with it. I mean, if I’m not scaring I’m not caring, you know?”

     "I know you're the expert," you said, raising your eyebrows in scrutiny. "but I don’t want to scare him too much. I mean I love him."

     "Listen babe, this isn’t about love it’s about respect and he’s not giving you that, Aretha Franklin style."

     "Please don’t sing."

     Of course he does his rendition of the song, accompanied by some minor choreography that makes you wonder if he’s done this before. He's actually a good singer though his future as a choreographer isn't looking good. It’s a little too on-the-nose dance wise.

     "What is your plan?" you asked cutting him off in the second verse of the song.

     "Well the way I see it we have a few options. Personally this wouldn't be the first time I turn into a gigantic snake and I’m guessing he’s afraid of snakes."

     "You’re right about the snakes," you said hopping up to sit on the counter, "and that’s exactly why I can’t let you turn into a gigantic one."

     "What’s the fun in that?" he asked. "Do you want him to leave this apartment and stop fucking random women in front of you or did you just call me for a good time? Frankly it’s not a good time without my gigantic snake," he said winking at the end which caused you to roll your eyes and scoff.

     You stared back at him unamused. "Think of something less scary but still scary enough to have him move out."

     "Toots, you’re putting me in a difficult situation," he said leaning back against the counter. "Just leave it the expert."

     "If you’re an expert you should be able to come up with a different plan."

     He smiled at this, though his gaze looked angry. "You drive a hard bargain," he said, laughing with little humor. "How do you feel about light possession?"

     "I don’t even know what that means," you said, your eyes wide. "How can you lightly possess someone?"

     "When you’re as good as me, you can do just about anything."

     "Sounds fake," you said, hopping down from the counter and moving back into the living room. "lets rule out any type of possession."

     "You’re really grabbing me by the balls and not in the way I like," he said following you into the living room and flopping down on the couch.

    "Does it look like I care what you like?"

    "Hey you’re the one who called me?" he said, looking at you accusatorially.

     "No one ever said I always make good decisions," you said, looking for the newspaper that had his ad in it. "How can I send you back?"

     "Hey let’s not act rationally," he said jumping up from the couch and walking quickly to you.

     "Don’t you mean rashly?" you asked, looking up at him for only a moment before looking for the paper again.

     "I said what I said and I meant it."

    "Come up with a good plan now," you said, giving up on finding the paper. "Or I’ll figure out how to send you back."

     "Fine, you’re really pulling my arm but what about this? I’m thinking classic haunting," he said, setting the stage with his movements. "I’m talking blood dripping down the walls, things falling off shelves, 'redrum' written on the mirror and the works. He’ll be running quicker than you can say 'boo.'"

    "I like that plan because it seems to include no potential physical harm."

    "I thought you might," he smirked.

    "So when do we do it," you asked.

     "Once he’s alone with nothing to distract him or try and explain it away."

     That time comes the next afternoon as you and Seokjin stand behind Hoseok as he sat on the couch. You and Seokjin's arms brush against each other and you immediately push him away. Seokjin looks over at you with minor annoyance on his face.

     "This is pretty lame, so if anyone asks, I was not a part of this," he said.

     "Don’t worry," you said. "I don’t think all I ever see anyone as I'm dead now but even if I did, you don't have to worry. I wouldn’t want to be associated with you."

     "Promise?" he asked, batting his eyelashes as if you had just said the nicest thing.

     "Swear on my death."

     Seokjin nods his head, before turning to look down at Hoseok. "Now," he said, before disappearing before your very eyes. 

     It even sends a chill up your spine, so you almost feel bad for what all of this is going to do to Hoseok. You pull the lipstick out of your pocket. You had grabbed it earlier from the box of your things in the back of the closet. A small part of you wished he would recognize the color and realize you were here with him. A larger part of you knew that would never happen.

     You walk to the mirror at the entrance of the apartment and write 'redrum' in the scariest font you can manage with the lipstick.

     You feel something drip on you as your writing and look up to find Seokjin has already started the blood effect wherever he's gone off to.

     You make your way to the TV, rubbing the blood on your jeans as you move, and for a moment just stand in between Hoseok and the device. You think of the few times you've done it before, where Hoseok has whined and asked you to move out of the way so he could keep watching the game or whatever it was that was on.

     Now he looks right through you. He has no idea you're even there. It still stings as much as it first did. You turn away from him to write on the TV screen. You touch the lipstick to the screen just as Hoseok cures behind you.

     "What the fuck?" he said, standing up from the couch and moving to the entry way of the apartment.

     You almost feel giddy as he looks up at the blood staining the walls.

    "I can't fucking believe it," he said, shaking his head. "This fucking landlord."

     Hoseok ran his hands over his face in exasperation before pulling his phone out and taking some pictures of the blood, not even seeming to notice the writing on the mirror. Just then Seokjin pushed all of his textbooks off of the table, but Hoseok didn't even flinch.

     "Hey," Hoseok said his phone to his ear. "Yeah, the pipes burst again, and I really need you to fix it this time," he huffed at whatever was said on the other line. "No, I know you said you fixed, but I'm telling you there's shit coming down my walls again."

     "If that's what his shit looks like," Seokjin said as he reappeared beside you, causing you to gasp and flinch in shock, "then he seriously has a problem and needs to get it checked out."

     "I don't understand," you said, motioning to Hoseok grabbing his jacket and heading out of the apartment. "He didn't even see the word on the mirror. I mean this is the shit that has people running out of the building in terror in movies." "The living have no respect for the dead," Seokjin shrugged. "Not to mention your plan sucked."

     "This was your plan," you reminded him.

     "I told you it wasn’t enough."

     "You are the worst," you yelled as you made your way to the bedroom. "I swear to god, you have been nothing but a headache since you got here. You're not the world's leading bio-exorcist your the world's leading pain in the ass."

    "Oh I'd love to be a pain in you ass," he said following behind you. "Say the word, and I'll lube up."

     "If you weren't already dead I would murder you."

     "The feeling is mutual," he said, stepping closer to you. "Do you know what I think?"

     "I don't care whatever it is."

     "I think you don't actually want your boy to leave," he stepped closer again, causing you to step back. "I think you want him to finally notice you. You want him to realize you're here and stop fucking those other girls."

     "Wow, did you get a PhD in stating the obvious? Of course I want the man I love to realize I’m still here. I love him, you asshole."

     "Then why did you call a bio-exorcist?" he asked, backing you into the wall. "You're wasting my time."

     "Because nothing I do makes him notice me," you said, fighting the urge to spit in his face.

     "I don't think you're trying hard enough," he said, just as the door to the apartment opened again. "Why don't I help you?" he said, leaning in so that his face was mere centimeters from yours. "Have you tried some good old-fashioned ghost moaning?"

     Your breath catches in your throat as whatever insult you had prepared dies on your tongue. You loathe Seokjin, but the idea of getting back at Hoseok has you contemplating his suggestion.

     "Hm," Seokjin mused as you didn't respond. "Ghost got your tongue?"

    "Shut up, and put it to good use," you said, leaning in the rest of the way and pulling him into a hungry kiss.

    Seokjin kisses down the length of your body, working quickly on your pants as soon as he reaches the waist band. You step out of your pants and despite his previous pace, he stops to look at your underwear, a frown on his face. He looks up at you slowly.

    "I'm going to need to fix that," he said, before snapping his fingers.

    "If you gave me a dick, I'll actually feed you to the snake thing I ran into the other day," you said hurriedly as you looked down.

    Seokjin laughed loudly as he pulled on your arm to move you to the bed. He had replaced your underwear, switching out the cotton panties for a strappy red lace number, that you would never consider buying.

    "You like lingerie," you said under your breath, lying down and looking up at the ceiling as your racing heart calmed down.

    "Where'd you go?" he asked, crawling back on top of you.

    "I'm having ghost sex," you said, laughing a little bit at the end.

    "Great ghost sex," he winked, before helping you take your shirt off as well. He replaced your bra as well, the crimson matching set striking compared to what you normally wore.

    "Beautiful," he mumbled, kissing your breast over the bra, before looking at you with a devilish grin. "How long until Hoseok comes into the bedroom?"

    "We'll find out sooner or later," you mumbled as he kissed the band of your panties.

    "Do you think it'll be before the first time you cum?" he asked, kissing your clit through the panties. "Or do you think it'll be before the second time?"

    "Definitely before the third," you said, causing Seokjin to laugh.

    "Greedy slut," he said, before sucking at your clit, the barrier of the panties causing you to whine for more.

    "Pervert," you breathed as he gripped tightly to his hips. "You'd love to watch me get off three times."

    "You know," he said, his finger sliding under the band of you underwear. "You really annoy me."

    "The feeling is mutual," you said, lightly pushing his head back towards your core. "Scratch my back and I'll scratch your's."

    "You drive a hard bargain," he winked before pulling the lingerie off of your body. He sat it down beside you instead of throwing it on the ground and you considered teasing the delicate way he treated it, but just as you formulated your remark, he liked a strip up your cunt, having you sigh in satisfaction.

    You're not surprised that he teases you, giving your clit the attention it wants, only to take it away again, laughing lightly against you. He takes pleasure in your moans, his hands gripping more tightly at your hips every time you get lost in the pleasure. It seems to ground you in the moment.

    You're close to reaching your high when you hear the door open and look over to see Hoseok entering the room.

    Seokjin stops his movements and looks up, causing you to whine lightly.

    "Before the first time," he shrugged, before looking at you with a smirk. "Louder," he said before burying his head between your legs again.

    He harshly sucked your clit into his mouth, and you didn't hold back the moan that started in the pit of you chest. Hoseok is unaware of your presence, but your knowledge of his has each movement of Seokjin's tongue feeling better and better.

    You never knew you would like this, but as you think about every girl you heard in this room you feel desire grow in the pit of your stomach. Your reaching your peak quickly, your hands winding into Seokjin's hair as you cum hard on his tongue.

    You're panting when Seokjin comes back up a smirk on his face. "Scratch mine," he said, pulling his shirt over his head.

   You roll your eyes in response, but your hands come up to undo his belt. The two of you work to rid him of his jeans and you can only scoff in response when Seokjin props himself up against the headboard of the bed, his arms crossed behind his head.

   "Can you make him see us?" you whispered, a bit embarrassed by the question.

   Seokjin looked over at Hoseok and shrugged. "Maybe. If I turned into a cyclops he would probably notice us, but he could see us right now if he paid attention to the strange and unusual."

   "Yes, that's exactly how I'd describe fucking you."    "Less talk," he said, his eyes narrowing.

   "Mhm," you hummed as you ran your hands up his thighs. You kiss his cock lightly over his boxer briefs, before hooking your fingers into the band and pulling them down. You must gape slightly at the size of his dick, because Seokjin laughs lightly. When you look up at him he seems pretty proud of himself.

   "I said it was a gigantic snake."

   "Choke," you said, rolling your eyes.

   "Say please, and I will," he winked, looking down at your throat.

   You rolled your eyes, as you took his cock in your hand, to which Seokjin took a sharp breath.

   "Interesting," you said, looking up at him with a wink. "It looks like you're the one who should be saying please."    "Listen, babe, I'm not about begging."

   You chuckled lightly, before licking up the length of his cock. You took the tip into your mouth, sucking lightly, and then taking him in deeper.

   Seokjin moans loudly and you wonder partly if you're actually doing that good of a job or if he's trying to catch Hoseok's attention.You can't watch your boyfriend from this angle, so instead you imagine what he's doing. The thought that he could be standing shocked behind you, too caught off guard to do anything but watch has your pussy clenching around nothing and desire building in your core again.

    "Fuck," Seokjin said. "Swallow."

     And you do, swallowing around him before he comes and after, pulling your mouth off of him as he smiles with his eyes closed.

    "Watch this," he said, looking back at you and winking, before he snapped his fingers. He's hard again instantly, which is a little unsettling and the grimace on your face must communicate as such.

    "I never thought it was fair girls could just cum again if they wanted to."

    "Really?" you said, as he grabbed your hand and pulled you towards him so you were straddling his lap. "I never thought it was fair guys came practically every time we had sex and I was lucky to come 1/4 of the time."

   "Very unfair," Seokjin said, nodding his head. "I've always recognized the power of the female orgasm."    "Why don't I believe you?"

   "Because you're horribly mean to me."

   "Poor baby," you said, lining yourself up above his cock. "The girl that just sucked your dick makes fun of you."

   "I liked it better when you had a dick in your mouth and couldn't talk."

   "I liked it better when you were too fucked out to say something gross."    "Then let's get to it," he said, his hands gripping at your ass as you sank down on him.

   The stretch has you moaning, and despite your abhorrence that he was right, Seokjin does have a big dick and the way it fills you is delicious. He gives you a moment to adjust before his hands are helping you ride him, his mouth moving to suck at your neck.

   When he pulls away he doesn't look at you, but behind you.

   "You want him to see? Be too loud for him to ignore," he said, looking back at you. "Show him how mad he made you. Show him what he's missing. Show him two people can play his game."

   You moan in response, turning your body to see Hoseok. He's sitting at his desk, likely doing school work, none the wiser that two dead people are fucking in his bed. He briefly turns towards the bed, his eyes seeming to fall on your body just as Seokjin moves again to suck at the other side of your neck.

  "Maybe if he sees us we can both fuck you," Seokjin said before biting at your ear. "Would you like that?"

   "Seokjin,” you moan.

   “You want to remind him how good you take dick.”

   “Seokjin,” you moan just as he thrusts deeper into you. “Seokjin.”

   "You act like a prude," Seokjin said, moaning as he thrusts up into you. "But you're really a slut aren't you? You'd do anything to get back at him."

   "Yes," you moaned, turning back to Seokjin. "Fuck me so good he can't ignore us," you said.

   "What do you think I've been trying to do," Seokjin grunted, thrusting up into you again.

    You're reaching your high a few thrusts later, moaning louder than you ever have as Seokjin cums inside of you at the same time.

   The two of you are panting, lying chest to chest on the bed as you ground yourself back in reality. When you roll off of him you look over to see Hoseok still studying.

   You feel better knowing you weren't powerless in this situation, that you too could move on, but something in you wishes he had opened his eyes and seen it. Some untapped kink you didn't even know existed until Seokjin came into your death.

     The new plan might involve some physical injury. You've made Seokjin promise that he wouldn't, but frankly everything about Seokjin materializing as the girl from The Grudge sounds like someone's getting hurt, and probably not Seokjin. Hoseok is dancing through the hallway to the kitchen when Seokjin appears at the end of it. Or rather, the little nightmare girl he's pretending to be.

    Hoseok doesn't notice at first, he's looking down at his feet as follows the melody of the song, but when he finally looks up, all of the color drains from his face and he stops in his tracks.

    He blinks his eyes rapidly, as if he has something in his eyes rather than the physical embodiment of evil being a few feet from him, but soon his body catches up with his mind and he's running from the house.

     He screams as he runs and you flinch when he almost trips over one of his shoes, that you have the sneaking suspicion Seokjin placed in his way.

     He doesn't come back, or at least not alone. Yoongi and Namjoon, his friends from school, come back with him to help him get his stuff and move out. A couple of times Yoongi teases Hoseok for being afraid of this place, because it's the least haunted apartment he's ever been in. Namjoon scolds him and points to the box in the back of the closet with your name on it.

    You've already gone through it and taken out anything you want to keep yourself. It was mostly just a few pictures of the two of you and your favorite lipstick that you never put back. You hid them in the couch cushions and hoped that they didn't check for lose change or anything.

     A few months pass and no one moves in. Seokjin thinks rumors probably spread after Hoseok ran from the place screaming so no one wants to move in.

     You figure he's right, because you certainly wouldn't want to.

     It's strange how the two of you start to move and live comfortably around each other, though it is unfair that Seokjin can leave. He usually spends all day with the living and comes back to tell you something interesting he learned.

     You feel even more like a housewife than you did with Hoseok. At least now you get to hear about your hard-working "husbands" day.

     It’s half a year later when someone finally comes to tour the apartment. You and Seokjin are making out on the bed when you hear the landlord enter and soon Seokjin is tearing his lips from your breast and looking in the direction of the entrance.

     "Finger's crossed they can see dead people," he said winking at you.

    "Apartment tour and a show," you laughed, pushing him off of you.

    The two of you make your way to the living room to see who would be so lucky to call Seokjin their future husband potentially. You almost fall on the floor with laughter as she comes into view.

    Standing in he living room with your ex-landlord is a woman who must be nearly 80 years old.

    “What?" Seokjin asks, over your laughter.

    “I don’t know how much longer your future bride will be living.

    “How horrible of you? Where are your manners? That is my wife!”

    "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," you said, waving your hand at him. "I don't mean to be ageist, I just know your little pervert brain did not have this in mind."

     "Please don't call me a pervert in front of my wife," he said, pushing you to the side. "I think you're just jealous?"

     "Of who?" you asked, laughing harder. "You? Or the woman you're going to try and convince to marry a dead man?"

    "If you want to marry me, just say so," he smirked.

    "Not even if you were the last dead man in this apartment."

© gimmeyoon — all rights reserved. reposting, modifying, or translation onto other sites even with proper credit given is not permitted.

[imagines4undertale]

Hello, yes, uhm—- I just wanted to ask how the US boys (plus Red!) would react to their S/O having a habit of giving them a flower every so often and then telling them the meaning. (I’m a sucker for flower language and suppose S/O is too.) Like a blue hyacinth if they’ve had an argument (which means regret), or a black-eyed susan when they’ve had a bad day (which symbolizes encouragement). Or perhaps just a rose, which means deep love. Thank you and I hope this makes sense! 😅

Makes perfect sense sweetie! One floral imagine coming right up! 🌷

US!Sans(Blue)-

Blue is going to be the most receptive of this kind of gesture and probably return the favor. He’ll try to keep the flowers that you give him alive for as long as possible and treat them like they are priceless until they are fully wilted. Sometimes you’ll catch him just staring at them with a happy smile on his face. He even does his own research on the flowers so when you hand him a rose he immediately turns bright blue in the face before you even tell him what it means. He loves each one and will even suggest making a flower garden in his backyard with all of your favorites in it along with some ingredients for tacos. 

One day, you and Blue were out on a date at a national park with a picnic in tow. Blue had planned the whole thing from food to location and said that it was a day for you to celebrate your 3 year anniversary of your first date. He seemed to be practically vibrating with excitement, which tipped you off that he might be planning something more. You had already set out the contents of the basket Blue had brought and were getting ready to start eating when he told you to close your eyes for a moment. When he tells you to open them, in his hands in front of you is a tissue paper lined box with an intricately woven flower crown of pale pink primrose (I can’t live without you, love, passion), white arbutus blossoms (undying love and devotion), white forget-me-nots (true love, fidelity), and large white and red variegated camellias (you’re a flame in my heart, you’re adorable) inside. Blue carefully removes it from the box and places it atop your head before leaning forward and placing a kiss on your cheek.

“MY CUTE, SWEET, WONDERFUL HUMAN, I HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR SPECIAL SURPRISE! THE MAGNIFICENT SANS HAS BEEN PLANNING THIS FOR WEEKS AND PRACTICING HIS WEAVING EVEN LONGER. I HOPE THIS LITTLE GIFT CAN TELL YOU SOME SMALL PORTION OF THE LOVE I HAVE FOR YOU!” He states with a beaming smile before attacking your face with small peppering kisses. “NOW LET US ENJOY OUR DAY TOGETHER MY PERFECT LITTLE HUMAN.”

US!Papyrus(Stretch)- 

Stretch is a little more laid back about the whole thing. He still loves the sentiment and will take care of the flowers until they wilt, but he won’t put as much into it as Blue does. He will, however, dive head first into any knowledge he can find about flower language. It isn’t something that he does consciously, he just tends to get fixated on things he finds interesting and with you being obsessed with it he can’t help but be interested. Eventually, he might know more than even you, but he’ll never tell you that. Stretch likes having you tell him the meaning and how they are meant to make him smile even if he already knows that, the season they grow in, and what flowers they are related to just by sight. He won’t really reciprocate on a regular basis (it’s a lot of work to find all the right flowers and get them arranged alright?) but he finds other ways to show you he loves you and the sentiment of the flowers. A lot of which is through puns.

The two of you are laying down on the couch in front of the TV with some random show thrown on. It was a Sunday with nothing else really going on. You have your head on Stretch’s chest with the rest of your body draped over his legs and some strategic pillows to save you some of his pointier parts. It was cozy, warm, and when you listened hard enough you could hear the thrum of Stretch’s soul. His chest rose and fell as he pet your hair and hummed a tone of contentment. 

“hmmmm, honey i’m having a ‘lilly’ (it’s heaven to be with you) good day with you. we should do this more often.” He lazily mumbles into your hair.

“Heh, if we had it your way we would just lay here forever never go anywhere.” you huff a laugh into his hoodie. 

“yeeeaaah, so? i just want some’bud’y to love on. i have these ‘tulips’ (perfect love) and i want to put them to good use.” Stretch chuckles, as he lifts your head to peck your lips.

“You don’t even have lips you doof.” You retort as you return the kiss to his cheek. Stretch gives a lazy gasp of offence, draping an arm over his eyes. 

“how dare you. that’s it. i’m ‘leaf’ing you once and ‘floral’. you’ve hurt me too deeply.” He drones out, trying to keep a straight face, but lightly jostling you with the few huffing laughs that manage to escape him. 

“Oh, shut up and ‘plant’ one on me.” You say as you use his hoodie to pull him roughly into a kiss. When you break, both giggling lightly still, you settle back into your comfortable position. From the corner of your eye you see Stretch with a wide, relaxed, smile.

UF!Sans(Red)-

Red will be the least outwardly expressive of his feelings toward the flowers and won't reciprocate at all. He still appreciates them, but you won't see them on display in a vase after you give them to him. It makes him feel weird to have such a meaningful gift given to him and just doesn’t know how to react a lot of the time. Red still thanks you for them and whenever you do it his face flushes a deep red as he accepts them. Internally, Red treasures each flower as if it were made of gold. They are some of his favorite things in the world, though he would never tell anyone that. His favorite would likely be the rose as it is physical proof of your love for him and sometimes he needs something like that. 

You had chosen to hang out at your boyfriend's house for the day. You had been hanging out in his room, laying on his bed, talking, and sharing funny things you found on your phones. Papyrus screamed up the stairs asking Red to bring his laundry down so he could start a load. Begrudgingly, Red dragged himself out from the bed and your arms and began to pull the laundry from the pile that had built from the bottom of his closet. Unfortunately, the clothes had tangled in with some of the objects on a low shelf in the closet and fell to the ground as Red pulled them out. 

Of these objects, the most interesting was a blank covered book that tumbled out and splayed open as it hit the floor. As it did, dozens of carefully pressed and preserved flowers scattered to the floor. Every flower you had ever given Red seemed to litter the floor, each with a small tag tied to it with a description written in fine, beautiful cursive. They seemed undamaged by their trip, but Red looked like he had just unleashed Pandora's box out of the book. His eyes were wide and missing their pricks of light while his face seemed to be fluorescent red and dripping in sweat. Quickly, but with delicate hands, Red placed all the flowers back into the book and then back into the closet.

"...you didn't see no'tin alright?" He says as he wipes his head and starts gathering  up his laundry again.

"N-nope, nothing." You say as you roll toward away from Red and hide your burning face in his pillows.

(Hope I did this one right! I had to do some research, but it was fun! Thank you for the ask, I love making people happy with these. Give me feedback if you can and more asks if you think of some everybody! Have a good day!)

[notjanine]

2020 in books!

the only kind of new year’s resolution i made as a naive baby last january was to try to read 40 books for the year. (i read 37 in 2019, for context.) well, with all of my commuting time eliminated and an increased need for immersive escapism, i ended up surpassing that goal three times over lmao (thanks library ebooks!)

idk how to summarize my year in books in a way that makes sense but

(f) = fiction, (nf) = nonfiction, (p) = poetry.

books that rewired my fucking brain:

braiding sweetgrass by robin wall kimmerer (nf)- GOD?!?!?! good. dr. k is right. ostensibly a book about plants, but actually a book about shut up and go outside. consumerism and capitalism are doing their damnedest to fuck you up, but you can just choose to value different things. take care of yourself by taking care of your environment. etc etc.

wasp by richard jones (nf)- lissen. when i got this book, my wasp-phobia was so severe that i had to put it away face down on a high shelf because there are wasps on the cover and i couldn’t bear to RISK even GLIMPSING them. now i am like... a wasp evangelist. (also due to the bugs 101 course on coursera it’s so good.)

wag by zazie todd (nf)- i have a dog, but i am NOT a Dog Person (i.e. i love my dog, but please keep yours away from me, thanks.) this book helped me understand my little guy better, plus it gives actionable tasks and activities to do with and for your pup! plus, y’know, learning about things you’re scared of helps to lessen that fear. i’d recommend this to anyone who has, wants, or regularly interacts with a dog.

a closed and common orbit by becky chambers (f)- is this series complete fluff? absolutely. am i fundamentally different after reading this one? maybe.

the best we could do by thi bui (nf)- this is so far outside of my personal experience but somehow still made me come to peace with my relationship with my mom?? and it’s barely even about that?? idk. this is probably objectively the best book i’ve read this year.

books that were just fun as hell:

mexican gothic by silvia moreno-garcia (f)- this book made me YELL out loud

death on the nile by agatha christie (f)- i grew up on agatha christie shows, but never actually read her before this year! she really was That Bitch. read this before the movie comes out

cosmoknights by hannah templer (f)- i read this in one sitting through the worst headache i’ve had in years. it is a goddamn DELIGHT. this book has everything: spaceships. mech suits. fighting the patriarchy. a perfect otp. fun art in bright colors with clean lines. onomatopoetic WAPs from before the song gave that hilarious context. 800 lesbians. this is an antidepressant in graphic novel form.

stiff by mary roach (nf)- ms. roach is like the 4th most represented author on my bookshelf because she 1. stays writing about shit i’m interested in and 2. manages to talk about gross and ridiculous things without resorting to sensationalism. it takes skill to write a hilarious book about corpses.

black sun by rebecca roanhorse (f)- excellent sexual tension between a horny siren pirate and a hot doomed... monk, kinda? set in the pre-columbian gulf of mexico with magic and shit.

cuisine chinoise by zao dao (? n/f)- this graphic novel about chinese food history/mythology is BEAUTIFUL.

the color of magic by terry pratchett (f)- you’d think a hardcore douglas adams stan would have gotten to this sooner, but no, i had to date a nerdy white boy to get here. it’s fun though! i’m not gonna read them all, but this one was good. bonus: contains one (1) great himbo.

gideon the ninth by tamsyn muir (f)- like 500 pages of action and mystery and jokes and space necromancy. harrow the ninth gets a special mention bc it has a meme reference that took me out so hard i had to close the book, lie down, and groan for an entire minute before continuing.

other minds by peter godfrey-smith (nf)- i love octopuses. on one tma bonus ep, jonny sims says that if a creature can choose to do evil, then it’s a Person. octopuses are People. but anyway frfr this has an explanation of the evolution of consciousness that is cool af. (this one is much better than the other recent popsci octo book which i will not name out of politeness.)

the perfect predator by steffanie strathdee and thomas patterson (nf)- i read this bc my microbiology prof recommended it and it’s cool as heck! it’s got adventure, drama, mystery, Science-with-a-capital-S. i’m biased bc i’m a bit of a microbes nerd, but i had a blast with this. (but only bc we know going in that everything works out okay; if i hadn’t known that, i would have been TOO stressed!)

books that were a little less fun but still very readable:

my sister, the serial killer by oyinkan braithwaite (f)- i couldn’t find this as funny as other people bc i, too, have a beautiful sister who’s an insufferable narcissist, so it hits a little too close to home, but. it is a wild ride.

piranesi by susanna clarke (f)- idek what to say! i went into this one blind just bc it had a cool cover and title, so i guess i’d recommend that for other people too.

the sixth world series by rebecca roanhorse (f)- monster hunting! a post-apocalyptic take that doesn’t feel tired.

the shades of magic trilogy by v.e. schwab (f)- easy escapism. some ideas feel a little first draft-y, but idk, it’s also a pretty simple premise (which isn’t a bad thing). it’s a decent urban fantasy set in ~georgian?-era london. very actiony. suffers from a bit of i’m-not-like-other-girls disease, but i didn’t even notice until book two or three, so.

the only good indians by stephen graham jones (f)- starts off a little ??? (and reeks of being Written By A Man) but picks up. the pacing’s great and there’s just a super fucking cool monster.

robopocalypse by daniel h. wilson (f)- this reads like a tv miniseries so much that i can’t believe it isn’t one yet.

confessions of the fox by jordy rosenberg (f)- not my usual cup of tea, fiction-wise, but still compelling. a fresh take on the white-male-english-professor-self-insert? but not insufferable. gets weird!

spinning silver by naomi novik (f)- rumplestilstkin, but make it interesting! a great, richly-told fairy tale, but like, large scale. good to read on a cold day while you’re wrapped up in a blanket with some hot tea.

interior chinatown by charles yu (f)- compulsively readable. a couple things bugged me, but not enough to make me dislike it. a fun companion piece to how to live safely in a science fictional universe. i like this guy’s style.

cannibalism by bill schutt (nf)- COOL. mostly covers the animal kingdom (fun), spends too much time on the donner party (less fun), ends with a SPICY take on prions that i cannot get out of my head!!!

buzz, sting, bite by anne sverdrup-thygeson (nf)- BUGS! broad but not overwhelming, neither dumbed down nor overly scientific, short enough to finish in a day or two. recommend this to literally everyone.

books that made me want to read everything else in the author’s ouevre:

the time invariance of snow by e. lily yu (f)- this FUCKS but it’s too short!!!

an unkindness of ghosts by rivers solomon (f)- okay this book is SO good and so well-written and interesting and blah blah blah all the good things, but... the whole time, i was just like?? why???? why is this what you’re choosing to write about??? (i did also read the deep and blood is another word for hunger after this one, and i did like them both, especially the latter, but i think they can do better! like i think they could write a perfect book and i am gonna be *eyes emoji* until then.)

the space between worlds by micaiah johnson (f)- a fine debut novel, but i want to see her do something a little more... idk, refined? i think she overreaches here, like it’s a little... idk looper? this is how you lose the time war? there’s a better comparison, but i can’t think of it, but you get the idea. and then halfway through it shifts gears to mad max. there’s something weird about one of the central relationships, like it’s not complex enough to take as long to resolve as it does. idk idk. there are just a lot of little nitpicky things. it’s not bad! but i think she can do better and i look forward to finding out.

postcolonial love poem by natalie diaz (p)- thinky! like i tried to read this before bed, but it’s not the sort of thing to parse out while you’re falling asleep, it requires more attention than that.

books that Learned Me Somethin:

smoke gets in your eyes by caitlin doughty (nf)- i am a self-professed death obsessed weirdo, fascinated by death and mourning, but i didn’t know all that much about what happens to a body between the dying and the funeral! this book isn’t big, but it covers a lot and doughty’s writing style is engaging and honest. it’s very memorable.

queer by meg-john barker and julia scheele (nf)- i’m gonna be totally honest and say Queer Theory is above my intellectual pay grade, but this book takes you by the hand and explains the basics.

vitamania by catherine price (nf)- LMAO my fellow americans, never take a supplement. this book is great and well-researched, but normal folks don’t need to read it, just listen to season two of the dream podcast, which definitely cribbed from this.

vegetable kingdom by bryant terry (nf)- this is a fine cookbook, my favorite of his that i’ve read so far. gets a special mention bc i had a religious experience just reading one of his kohlrabi recipes. absolutely gutted that i didn’t have an opportunity to try it this year, since the pandemic put the kibosh on all family bbqs.

the best american food writing 2020 edited by j. kenji lopez-alt (nf)- this really is just a great collection.

are prisons obsolete? by angela y. davis (nf)- yes.

i moved to los angeles to work in animation by natalie nourigat (nf)- before reading this, i had basically zero knowledge of how the animation industry works. now i know like three things.

the secret lives of bats by merlin tuttle (nf)- BATS! okay this book is more about the adventures of being a bat scientist than it actually is about bats, but there are bats in there. insectivorous bats basically shit glitter, you should know this.

books from valuable perspectives:

hood feminism by mikki kendall (nf)- a breakdown of who’s getting left out of feminist spaces, why that’s happening, and why it shouldn’t be happening.

all you can ever know by nicole chung (nf)- a (transracial) adoptee’s take on adoption and learning more about her birth family. the personal storytelling of this one really stuck with me.

motherhood so white by nefertiti austin (nf)- a single-mom-by-choice’s take on the foster system/adoption process. walks you through some things i always wondered about and some things i wouldn’t even have thought about.

this place by kateri akiwenzie-damm et al (? n/f)- i, like a lot of non- native americans, only know that history in broad strokes. getting this many highly specific stories in one dense and beautiful book felt like a lucky find. and taking that perspective into the future in the context of that history is v good.

empty by susan burton (nf)- eating disorder stories are important to me bc i care about food so much. this one is so relatable- not in its specificity, but rather its generality. it’s easy to empathize with her perspective because it’s like, Oh, i don’t have that exact problem, but i struggle with different problems in a very similar way. (feels like the opposite of roxane gay’s hunger, in a way.)

obit by victoria chang (p)- this exploration of grief is... woof.

short story collections are hard to evaluate bc you’ll never read one where every single story hits but i generally enjoyed these:

a thousand beginnings and endings edited by ellen oh and elsie chapman (f)

how long til black future month? by n.k. jemisin (f)

her body and other parties by carmen maria machado (f)

books i revisited:

the broken earth trilogy by n.k. jemisin (f)- i read the series backwards this time and like... i can’t really find any faults in these books, man. they’re just the best.

everyone’s a aliebn when ur a aliebn too by jomny sun (f... but is it really?)- half of this book’s sales are from me buying it for other people bc it’s the only way i know how to say i love you. i reread it every time just to make sure it still feels right and it always does.

other honorable mentions:

white is for witching by helen oyeyemi (f)- not to pit two bad bitches against each other, but this book does what akwaeke emezi’s freshwater was trying to do. it’s a little weird, a little haunted, a little of a lot of things. read this only in the dead of winter. (and with stephen rennicks’ score for the little stranger playing in the background.)

homie by danez smith (p)- there’s a lot going on here, but this just made me crack a smile a couple times in a way that no other book of poetry has ever done.

the murder of roger ackroyd and murder in mesopotamia by agatha christie (f)- That Bitch!

blues by nikki giovanni (p)- she sure has some Things To Say

the three-body problem by cixin liu (f)- interesting concepts, but... idk something’s missing? felt weirdly soulless to me. i’m probably not gonna read the sequels. but it did make some points!

the sisters of the winter wood by rena rossner (f)- i’m a slut for shapeshifting, okay. but this is a good fairy tale, it works!

parable of the sower by octavia butler (f)- i read this in march, when the pandemic was just kicking off and boy that was not the right time. def my least favorite of hers so far, but an octavia butler i don’t love is still better than a hell of a lot of other books. no idea when or if i’ll get to a good enough headspace for the sequel.

faves:

saturnino herrán by adriana zapett tapia (nf)- i got to learn new things about my mans and see some of his paintings i’ve never even seen online! GOSH.

on food and cooking by harold mcgee (nf)- yeah yeah, i’ve already mentioned this book half a dozen times on here this year, but i don’t care. this book lives off the shelf in my home bc i reference it like every other fucking day. this book is a part of me now.

[go-redgirl]

FNC’s Carlson: What Was It About Joe Biden’s Shaky Monotone That Inspired CNN’s Talking Heads?

Friday, FNC’s Tucker Carlson reacted to President Joe Biden’s address to the nation a night earlier, which according to Carlson left much to be desired.

After comparing Biden’s address to former Soviet Union dictator Leonid Brezhnev, the Fox News host questioned the fawning approval from CNN hosts and talking heads.

Transcript as follows:

CARLSON: Tons going on, as always. So, there are a lot of stories we could have opened with tonight and we talked about it. But in the end, we couldn’t get our minds off of Joe Biden’s COVID speech.

Did you see that last night? The one where he seems so sad about the lockdowns that have crushed businesses and kept kids out of school, an entire generation, he said, had driven so many to suicide, yet never once mentioned or even hinted that he and his party were the very forces behind those lockdowns.

I’m really sorry about your black eye, he says, as he punches you in the face.

It was bizarre. The whole speech was like that. It had a hallucinogenic quality like it wasn’t quite real.

But then Joe Biden himself isn’t quite real. Maybe that’s the reason he talks that way. Biden has been living in utter seclusion for more than a year. He hasn’t spoken to anyone but his own lackeys.

He hasn’t driven a car or sat on the grass and looked up at the sky or been anywhere or done anything except in the most controlled possible environment. What an incredibly weird life that is.

Joe Biden must imagine that everyone in America is as terrified of corona as he is and is living in the same kind of bunker. Joe Biden is totally cut off.

Alex Berenson described last night speech as late Soviet. The more we thought about it, the more perfect that seemed.

Here’s a clip of Russia’s own Joe Biden, the late Leonid Brezhnev. Like Biden, Brezhnev was very clearly fading in his later years after a series of health problems. Also, like Biden despite his frailty and confusion, Brezhnev never lost his enthusiasm for pointless wars.

He is the one who ordered the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan in 1979. In late December of that year, Brezhnev addressed the Soviet youth in a televised speech. As you watch this, see if you can spot the similarities to what you saw last night, and keep in mind when this was shot, Brezhnev was a full five years younger than Joe Biden is today.

[VIDEO CLIP PLAYS]

CARLSON: Now, they are trying to tell him how the teleprompter works. He harrumphs a bit and looks vacant, he doesn’t quite get it.

Brezhnev didn’t actually lead Russia by this point, and you can see why. He remained the country’s figurehead, but it was the ideologues behind the scenes who ran the show.

Brezhnev had his own Susan Rice and Barack Obama to make the real decisions. The similarities, as we said, are pretty amazing.

Over at CNN, however, they didn’t see it, or maybe they did see it and they didn’t care. CNN always did love Brezhnev.

In any case, the usual chorus of toadies strained for a high note last night. Watch them tell you how wonderful the speech was, as if you didn’t have a TV and didn’t see it for yourself.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DON LEMON, CNN ANCHOR: How refreshing. How human. How compassionate. How American.

CHRIS CUOMO, CNN ANCHOR: Biden tried to lift our spirits with a medicinal message about recovering our sense of collective cause. Certainly, it was healing.

VAN JONES, CNN POLITICAL COMMENTATOR: He didn’t say, you need me. He said, I need you. I need you. I mean, my God that is — isn’t that it?

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: People always talk about the feeling of the relief hey have hearing Biden, but what he’s doing now soars above that.

LEMON: What the President is saying his help is on the way. We’re all in this together. I need your help. We’re all Americans. Whoo. Hallelujah.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

CARLSON: Hallelujah, says Don Lemon. Can I get an amen? Clear the aisles. It’s time for an altar call. Brother Biden is preaching the word. Preach, Brother Biden, preach. Speak. What are these people talking about?

What was it about Joe Biden’s shaky monotone last night that inspired them exactly? Most people found it depressing. Maybe we’re being too literal here.

It probably doesn’t matter what Joe Biden actually said. He could have called for the bombing of Toronto and CNN’s panel of trained seals would still enthusiastically applaud it. It’s their job to enthusiastically applaud what Joe Biden says.

Our job is to try and figure out what Biden’s speech meant for the country. So let’s look at it for a minute.

The lockdowns have been tough, Biden conceded at the outset, God knows how we got them, but we did. Those restrictions will be lifted as soon as we can lift them, and we will return to some version of the country now only dimly remember, we’d really love to do that. We mean it, we’d love it.

But in order to go forward and take the boot off your neck, we’re going to need every American to listen very carefully and to obey our orders. Do what we tell you to do.

Now, that won’t be easy. But if you do it, there is a payoff for good behavior. If you’re obedient, there’s a chance not a guarantee, of course, but a distinct possibility, God-willing, that you may be able to see some of the people you love around July 4th, that could actually happen, ladies and gentlemen. Listen to this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: If we do our part, if we do this together, by July the Fourth, there’s a good chance you, your families and friends will be able to get together in your backyard or in your neighborhood and have a cookout and a barbecue and celebrate Independence Day.

That doesn’t mean large events with lots of people together, but it does mean small groups will be able to get together.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

CARLSON: Did you hear that America, there is a good chance, again, not a sure thing. But what is a sure thing these days? But a good chance that you might be allowed to have a modest cookout four months from now. That is as long as you obey regulations weather permitting, and assuming that current Federal projections unfold according to plan. That’s your prize.

This offer by the way does not apply to full-time employees, the radio station or their families.

But with luck, this could be your reward after a year and a half of lockdowns, a Fourth of July cookout in your very own backyard assuming you have one.

Don’t ever tell us that Joe Biden isn’t a compassionate generous man. Here he is offering you with some medically necessary caveats outlined by Dr. Anthony Fauci, the right to cook your own hotdogs. With the provision, obviously, that you do it in a small masked group seated far apart at a prescribed distance from one another.

Don’t get crazy and hug or celebrate or talk too loud or anything like that. Moderation is the key here. But still a socially distanced barbecue. What other wonders does President Biden have in store for us?

Well, you’re going to have to get vaccinated to find out. Sorry, that’s the other requirement. I should have mentioned it. Everybody needs the shot. Period. That’s what Biden said. And that’s a lot of shots.

The good news: now that we’re on what Joe Biden describes as a, quote, “war footing” with this virus, vaccinating people against it is a counterterrorism operation.

What we did to ISIS, we’re going to do to COVID. Biden didn’t mention drones, but we will need soldiers and that’s why Joe Biden is building a Vaccination Corps that will include active-duty members of the military, an army of vaccinators. Watch.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: Two months ago, the country — this country didn’t have nearly enough vaccine supply to vaccinate all or ever near all of the American public. But soon we will.

Now because of all the work we’ve done, we’ll have enough vaccine supply for all adults in America by the end of May. That’s months ahead of schedule. And we’re mobilizing thousands of vaccinators to put the vaccine in one’s arm.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

CARLSON: Thousands of vaccinators to vaccinate everyone. That sounds amazing, but it does raise at least one vexing question: what if you don’t want to get vaccinated? Not everyone does. Some people have religious objections, other have concerns about this specific medicines. Others simply don’t want it.

Do you need a reason to turn down the vaccine? And what happens if you do turn it down? Will we be allowed to fly on airplanes? Or go to work? Or enter the front doors of Madison Square Garden?

Joe Biden didn’t specify, but it’s pretty hard to believe he would support any kind of vaccine coercion as he has told you so often over so many years, if it’s your body, it’s your choice.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: I support a woman’s right to choose under that constitutional guarantee provision. And quite frankly, I always will.

Folks, you know, and I am going to fight to protect a woman’s right to make her own personal decisions when it gets to your healthcare.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

CARLSON: Quite frankly, you’ve got the absolute right to make your own personal decisions about your own personal healthcare. Period. That’s in the Constitution. Joe Biden would never violate that, right. He’s been defending that right since before you were born.

It’s your body. It’s your choice. Period.

Of course, as with everything, there are caveats. If you don’t take the shot that Joe Biden wants you to take, if you persist in making your own personal healthcare, then Joe Biden is going to have to shut the country down again, no socially distanced barbecues for you, buddy. You’re going to have to eat your hotdogs alone inside.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: If we don’t stay vigilant, and the conditions change, and we may have to reinstate restrictions to get back on track.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

CARLSON: To which CNN might say, “Hallelujah,” but we’re not CNN. Instead, we’re left wondering, could there be any civil liberties implications to any of this? We don’t know the answer.

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