#disjoined thoughts

[cars-on-the-moon]

Just a little Carlando thing below.

*(everything written stems from author’s imagination)

Also, thank you for your replies and personal messages you sent me. I appreciate you taking the time to express your thoughts and advice me on the matter that I wrote about fanfics. Thank you so so much.

Lando heard his name again, but this time came from a very familiar voice.

“Where are you going?” Carlos was outside Ferrari’s motorhome with a few people, including Fred Vasseur.

“I’m leaving. Catching the red eye to Tokyo.” Lando approached them.

“What? Are we not celebrating?” Carlos asked him, while pulling his phone out of his pocket.

“No, I’m exhausted. Sorry.” he replied automatically.

Carlos glared but nevertheless unlocked his phone and showed Lando the post he had already seen right after the conference. The Carlando one.

“I will do this thing that I did on Caco’s wedding. The shared thing.” he tried to explain what Lando grasped in seconds.

He looked down on Carlos’s phone and smiled to the picture. Again. As if he had seen it for the first time.

“Sure, do it.” Lando replied nonchalantly.

“Here here.” Fred Vasseur handed him a beer bottle and waited for him to clink.

Lando chuckled at that and took a sip just to be graceful.

“Good job out there. You’re good.” the Frenchman said.

“I know!” Lando repleid through a grin. “See you later, okay?” he raised his bottle again and with a last wink to Carlos, he started walking away.

“Lando!” he heard Carlos again.

The Spaniard was jogging towards him then and Lando glanced at his father who smiled lightly and walked forwards to give them a bit of unsaid space.

“Are you seriously leaving?” Carlos caught up to him and gripped his upper arm tightly.

“Yup.” Lando replied, avoiding his eyes.

“Lando! We-we were 1-2!”

“You’re gonna go out with Ferrari, C. I’m-I’ll see you at Suzuka-”

“Is there anything wrong?” Carlos interrupted his stutter and slightly hunched and tries to find his eyes.

“No, nah,” Lando replied him through a big grin, finally looking at him. “I’m very happy about today and very, extremely tired.”

Carlos mirrored him and smiled too.

“Text me when you arrive, okay?” he told him meaningfully.

“Right! Have fun but not too much.” Lando said to him and started walking away once again.

He disembarked with a furrowed brow and a blurry mind. The events of his day had left him absolutely buzzing and excited, however an emptiness hovered above him. The hum of the aeroplane engines seemed to echo the confusion in that very mind. He stared out, the world below looking disjoined.

His only error in those last 24 hours was opening up Twitter.

“…And cut! Thanks guys!” Mark said and immediately Lando placed his sweets down.

“You okay?” Oscar asked him, as the remaining people in the room were gathering their equipment.

“Yeah, yup, yesh.” Lando raised his head.

“Say it one more time and I’ll believe you.”

Lando parted his lips to reciprocate the sarcasm to the younger driver, but Mark entered the space again.

“Come on. Bee time.” he said, clapping his hands together.

Lando jumped up and walked away Oscar quickly, leaving space for no more questions about his cranky attitude.

“Seb!” he placed his hand on the German’s shoulder. “Back here then?”

“Hello Lando.” Sebastian clasped his hand and side-hugged him. “Brilliant race in Singapore.” he said.

“Thanks, mate. How have you been?”

They discussed all the way to the little bus and entered it, as Sebastian was saying something about pollinating.

He tried to push away the absence of Carlos in the bus and talked to Alex about his sleepless night in Tokyo.

There were almost all of them there, even Andrea, making witty remarks to Franz.

“You’re late!” Sebastian shouted as Carlos ran towards the right side of the banner. Then everyone booed and complained and laughed at his tardiness, even himself smiled to everybody’s reactions.

Carlos spared him a glance before grabbing the banner.

He tired to draw a bee but failed miserably and opted for the pre-made little designs. Oddly satisfying honestly.

He stretched his waist to the right and rubbed at the sensitive spot that hurt the most.

“Lando, what-where have you been!” he couldn’t get a break even behind one of those bee hotels, it appeared.

“Painting bee homes obviously.” he replied sarcastically, looking around to the semi-deserted location. Half the drivers had fled after all the pictures and the videos. He could see the Red Bulls, the Ferraris and Sebastian mostly. And Yuki. Yuki was there too.

“I have texted you and called you. What the fuck?”

“What do you want exactly? I was busy.” Lando replied coldly.

Carlos didn’t need to know that his heart was beating helplessly and immaculately quickly.

“Lando.” Carlos’a voice lowered and he reached for his forearm.

Lando took a step back and looked around again.

Carlos furrowed his eyebrows and stared at his empty grip.

“Is this-are you-the party.” he concluded.

“You know Carlos,” Lando shook his head, inhaling deeply. “I don’t have time for this. I have work to do.”

“You know that I had to.”

“Bullshit, okay?” Lando smiled through his teeth. “Just fucking bullshit.” he repeated and turned around.

“You’re off too?” Sebastian asked him, matching his strides.

“Work to do! You would know.” Lando replied him warmly. “I hope I’ll see you tomorrow. Thank you for this, it’s good what you’re doing.”

“No, thank you, Lando. Thanks.” Sebastian grinned at him. “I’ll see you again tomorrow. Good luck.” he wished him.

I am outside your door.

Lando opened his door and blinked at a dishevelled Carlos, who immediately entered the room without invite.

“It’s very late, Carlos.” he told him, shutting the door.

“What is going on?” Carlos ignored his utterance completely.

“Nothing is going.” Lando replied, crossing his arms in front of him.

Carlos parted his lips but closed them quickly, taking a step forward, grabbing the Brit’a face between his two palms. He leaned in and placed a hardly-there kiss on his lips. Lando felt goosebumps up and down his core but did not reciprocate.

Carlos pulled back, stop holding him.

“You’re not kissing me.” he whispered.

Lando untangled his arms and raised his right one, circling Carlos’s wrist with his fingers. He was trembling or it was Carlos trembling, he didn’t know, he couldn’t understand. Slowly, he pulled the Spaniard’s hand away his face and took a step back.

“I can’t do this, Carlos.”

“You can’t do what?” the other man immediately asked.

“This.” Lando waved his hands between them. “This.” he then repeated, pulling his phone out of his pocket and unlocked it, going straight to his camera roll. To a picture that his friend Carl had send him.

Carlos blinked, trying to focus his eyes on the screen.

“Lando,” he muttered. “Lando, you know why I have to do this-”

“I did but I don’t anymore.” Lando raised his voice just slightly. “Not anymore.”

Carlos recoiled. He pulled his hands to himself and gripped them together. He appeared defensive. Stiff.

“I am not a teen anymore. I cannot play these games.” he carried on. “I cannot lie to everyone around and myself. I cannot pretend.”

“But it’s F1 Lando! You know how it is!” Carlos countered.

“I don’t care.” the Brit immediately uttered.

“You do! You do care about this.”

“About driving, not watching you kiss and touch and-and do all this to keep an image! I despise it. I feel filthy.”

“You know it isn’t like that-”

“And the only moment you properly acknowledged me was after you used me-us to win Singapore.” he had been holding that for about a week.

“I did not use you!” Carlos raised his voice too. “I did this for both of us! For me to win and for you to not lose you podium.”

“Fuck the fucking podium!” Lando properly shouted then. “You were all smiley and touchy after you used us to gain-to gain sympathy because you saw-” he stopped himself abruptly. He couldn’t. He couldn’t do this.

He took in a deep breath and raised his still trembling hand to his eyes.

“I am out. I don’t like lying. I don’t like seeing you like this. It’s sick, Carlos.”

The other man stared at him. His eyes were stuck on him and his chest was raising and falling in a rapid rhythm that redundantly matched his own heart’s.

“You said,” Carlos croaked and cleared his throat in order to try again. “You said that you understood.”

“I don’t anymore.” Lando deadpanned. “It makes me sick the man you become in order to appear like a bloody woman’s man or whatever Ferrari has you doing. It makes me sick that your family pretends that they buy it and it makes me sick that you let it happen.”

“I cannot do otherwise.”

“But I can.” Lando whispered. “I never said to hard launch or whatever you think I’m implying. But this? This is another level that I can’t stand by and watch.” he said.

Carlos blinked twice and hung his head low, shaking it.

“I never used you.” he only said.

“It felt like it. And all this do not help.” Lando stood his ground.

“You said you were in love with me.”

“And it’s the truth, but why does it matter? It’s shit, Carlos.”

The other man then touched him again, gripping his upper arms tightly. Squeezing. Trying.

“Please, cariño.” he said to him.

“You should live your life as you want and I should live mine as I want.” Lando said. “I cannot live in this fucking, hurting prison.”

Lando perhaps expected something else. It was true that hope died last or some shit people said. But when Carlos left his room, he felt absolutely defeated and hurt.

Truth was he could not handle it. The lying, the pretending, the detail-organised everything. The chattering. The pictures. He couldn’t even think even though he was PR trained himself. He couldn’t. So he cried. He cried inside the comfort of his room, where no one could hear him, judge him, comfort him or advise him.

When Martin sent him a text about a possible party on Sunday for Max’s almost certain Championship win, he immediately confirmed.

“Good job, mate!” Max clasped his hand.

“Me? You.” he chuckled, fixing his hair. “Oh, oops.” he went to wrap his hand around Max’s waist at the same time as him.

Max playfully slapped his bum, making everyone around laugh.

“Idiot.” he pushed him while walking to the conference room.

“Somebody’s gonna be jealous.” Max playfully whispered.

“No. Don’t.” Lando immediately stopped him.

Max grimaced at that but chose to remain silent for the rest of their route.

It was a song, a pretty song that reminded Lando of summer and freedom. Very cheesy, very cliché. Nevertheless, he swayed left to right, keeping his eyes closed slightly longer than the norm.

“We’re doing shots.”

“Mate,” Lando clasped Max’s shoulder. “Mr. Champion, I am leaving. You told me I can go after your fourth drink.”

“Boo Lando!”

“No!” Lando playfully pushed him. “I did the thing and I celebrated you.”

Max nodded at that and gave a quick hug at him.

“Are you okay?” he asked, slightly hunching to find his eyes.

“I’m fine. Good job, Max. I’ll see you soon okay?” he grinned at him and finally the other man let him go.

He was extremely tired and his lower back was hurting too much from the last three days. He had tried hard to be focused and very cold towards everything and anything. He had succeeded for the most part; for the most important part that was his job.

He watched the videos that were posted online of Max and smiled to his screen to the countless of memes the fans had created. Qatar had been insane.

“Carlos,” he stopped on his track when he found the Spaniard sitting right in front of his door. “You’re too old for that shit.”

“I’m not drunk, Lando.” the other man immediately replied, raising his head to find him.

Lando swallowed the dryness in his throat and opened the door with a flick of his card. He contemplated on leaving it open for a moment but Carlos had made the choice for him it seemed.

“I can’t. I’m very tired.” he said almost pleadingly to the Spaniard.

“I just wanted to see you. I wanted to see you.” he repeated, standing before the door. He appeared awkward and unsure of his presence there.

“You saw me.”

“Lando.” that strict tone the Spaniard used, made Lando shut his lips and avert his eyes from him.

He took his jacket off and walked to the round table to place his things neatly on the surface. He checked his phone once again and then took his watch off, stretching hand to release some pressure.

Carlos was watching him silently.

“Now that you saw that I’m healthy, can you please leave? I am exhausted.”

“What do you want me to do?” Carlos asked him, still remaining unmoved in place.

“About wh-”

“I’ll tell everything to my parents and tear up the Ferrari contract. I’ll talk to Caco and negotiate.” he rushed out. “I can’t-I won’t lose something real for-for the racist fucks in F1. In-in the world.” he panted then.

Lando stared back.

It was odd. The way he was experiencing this Carlos; desperate and afraid.

To the lack of response, Carlos let out a sharp breath and shook his head in defeat. He then took a step back, tangling his both hand in his hair.

“Joder. No puedo creerlo.” he whispered. “Nosotros debíamos-” he swallowed dryly.

“We were supposed to what?” Lando pushed.

Carlos snapped his head up and rounded his eyes.

“We were supposed to what, Carlos?” Lando took a step forward and towards him.

“How do you understand?” the Spaniard asked him.

Lando took another step and another until he reached the other man. He stood right in front of him, almost feeling his quick breath on his own lips, giving him life.

“Answer me.” he whispered.

“We were supposed to be together until we could -how did you say it?” Carlos stuttered perhaps for the first time in the presence of Lando. “Shout it from the ceilings-”

Lando then grinned widely. He hadn’t meant to, but he hadn’t expected that surely.

“Rooftops, you bellend.” he reached for Carlos’s hand. “Shout it from the rooftops.”

“Si, that.” Carlos squeezed him, as if to extract more braveness for himself. “Tell me please. Tell me what to do first.” he asked exuding pain from those eyes.

“I don’t want to out you to your parents.” he immediately said.

“So? You want me back? You can have me back?” Carlos asked him.

Lando leaned in and placed a kiss on the other man’s lips as an answer. Carlos shoot his chance and pulled him wholly on him, tightening his grip on Lando’s small waist painfully. The latter groaned to the pretty taste of this exact, familiar pain and deepened the kiss, wanting more. So much more.

“Would you do it?” Lando whispered, as Carlos was running his finger down Lando’s bare back.

“I would.” Carlos replied earnestly, grasping instantly what the other man was implying.

“I don’t want you to. I just want respect.” Lando mumbled on the pillow, feeling slumber approaching quickly.

“Y amor. Tanto amor, cariño. Lo siento. Lo siento mucho.” Carlos whispered. “Nosotros merecemos mas.”

[just-spectating]

The Objecthead Phenomenon: Another Brief Essay

One of the most thought provoking concepts in 17776 is the idea of a mind with all the emotions and complexities of a human being forced to inhabit a completely inhuman body. Juice, Nine, and Ten do not, and never will, have human bodies. They will never experience what it is like to have a human body - additionally, this means machines, unlike humans, have to consider their own mortality and come to terms with their weird, disjoined, person-object existence. 

The fact that space probes, who are completely physically different from an organic being, mange to be so human is something that makes 17776 so special. This also leads to me having what I can imagine are controversial tastes in fanart: I don’t particularly care for the “objecthead” designs and feel they undermine one of the most important things about Nine, Ten and Juice as characters.

 Like, Jon Bois created these remarkable and bizarre characters, who are intentionally physically inhuman, something that has significance in the story - and people immediately decided to go ahead and draw them in order to…undo that.  This is why the objecthead or humanized fanart saddens me a bit. 

I do, however, understand the desire to further anthropomorphize the probes. After all, it’s frustrating for characters with such distinct personalities to be completely physically inexpressive. Nine, Ten, and Juice don’t have facial expressions (other than emoticons, of course). They don’t pose, they don’t wear clothes, they can’t touch or physically interact or any way. That makes it pretty much impossible to easily make visually interesting art, as you could only ever draw them. Uh. Floating in space. Visually unchanging. Forever and ever. Not exactly appealing. 

In a way, the objecthead phenomenon in 17776 fanart provides some poetic insight: the idea that these beloved characters are objects is uncomfortable. We want to give them bodies that correspond with their personalities, we want them to be physically expressive. We want to give them these experiences that they will never be able to have. I can imagine that the probes feel these things too, this desire to have their consciousness match what their body looks and feels like. 

Practically the first thing Nine assumes when they wake up is that they are trapped aboard the probe and need to escape. They experience a moment of visceral panic and existentialism, which I found very distressing because they are trapped in a space probe. Their first instinct is to leave, to get out, and that will never happen. There is no hope of escape. 

Juice also demonstrates this kind of thinking in a much more lighthearted way during the spaghetti conversation in the first chapter of 20020. The nonexistent bowl of spaghetti shows that the probes, or at least Juice, do imagine themselves with bodies, doing human things. This makes you wonder how often they think about the things they will never be able to experience. Do Nine and Ten wish that they could hug? Does Juice lament not being able to enjoy a Lunchable or catch a football?

This was meant for my 17776 blog (@we-perpetually-hang-out) but is posted here instead due to tag issues.

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - All the endings

March 2023 Wk 1

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs. Organized by which ones (in each category) I’m enjoying most.

Ongoing Series - Thai

Bed Friend (Sat YT, GaGa & iQIYI uncut) ep 3 of 8 - Only one of them is in a fuck buddy relationship, and it’s not King Moon-eyes Husband-material. This show is so damn good. I love it when high heat is used to serve the characters and the narrative, as well as us fans. (In other words, take away the sexualized part of this relationship and the whole story would fall apart.) I suppose we should pay attention to Uea’s rules since they will all be broken. Uea has a bit of a demanding spoiled prince thing going and I’m not mad about it. This may be the most neck-kissy couple ever, I’m so happy for them! Yet another  installment in “Thailand, please get that boy to a therapist.” This ep likely has lots of extras so I might watch IQ as well. Child abuse trigger btw. 

Moonlight Chicken (Weds YT) eps 7-8fin - It was a good last 2 eps, and I ended up actually liking the complexity of the messiness more than I thought I would - disaster queer authenticity isn’t usually my thing. (Japan taught me that lesson the hard way). All in all, a stellar a little offering from GMMTV, in the Not Me or ITSAY vein of “I question whether it’s actually BL but like it anyway.” Full review and rating below.

Never Let Me Go (Tues YT) ep 12fin - The climax was rather predictably climatic (as it were). I love that Chopper shot his dad. Better aim next time, sweetheart? The cousins making up was sappy. Chopper & Ben were fine. Frankly, I’m not sure about PerthChimon’s chemistry, a bit nervous for their series now. And then Kdrama separation nation strikes again. Yawn. Question: Did the cute girl at Palm’s bar ever get her coconut juice? Full review and rating below. 

A Boss and a Babe (Fri YouTube) ep 1 of 10 - ForceBook in an office set boss/employee highly camp rom-com. Babe is a bit too slapstick for me, boss is a bit too creepy, and Book is def over egging the pudding. Well meaning chatterbox idiot is not my fav archetype. Bathroom meet cute? Huh. I don’t know. I don’t hate it, I guess?  

The Promise (Thai WeTV & YT) ep 1 of 10 - Popped into my YT feed so I gave it a try. Unexpectedly good! Phu & Nan are childhood bffs from middle school through college (almost lovers). Phu disappears just after graduation. After looking/waiting for him for ages, Nan gives up and self isolates, and the actual story takes place 10 years later. The arbitrary slapstick elements are unnecessary, disjoined, and rough. The show should have had the strength of its convictions just to be a serious drama. But it’s way better than expected (it’s about coffee, I love coffee) and no need to have watched the prequel miniseries Phupha | Nanfah. Phu’s granny and cohorts are THE BEST. Also elder queer rep. There better be a GREAT reason why Phu didn’t reach out to Nan or I will be seriously displeased. 

Chains of Heart (Sat iQIYI) 3 of 10 - I kind of love Ken’s slightly idiot gay couple friends. (I do love all of the queer family we are getting these days.) They better not betray him! Still, this is one of those shows where, despite his competency, we haven’t really been given a reason to like Ken all that much. I’m not super invested in his grief or his new romance. The captions are BONKERS but the sex scenes are good. I hope LueKen deliver as well as DinKen. Gotta say, despite my grumbling, I did enjoy it more this week. 

Tin Tam Jai (Tues Gaga & iQIYI) ep 1 of 10 - I am not a huge fan of the tsundere seme, especially if they are the older character. But this is a really good cast and for a pulp it’s actually okay acted and captioned. It’s cute. Campy. Old school Thai. I do like a flirty uke who knows what he wants. Lots of very prototypical tropes. Is it good? Well, no, but I’m still gonna watch it. 

Love Syndrome (Thai Sat WeTV) ep 1 of 10 - Terrible subs again. They a hot couple but Itt is a revolting character, asshole rather than brat. Day is VERY sexy tho. This one is messy and rough and will likely involve cheating AND the amnesia trope. I might put it onto the binge pile. 

Our Winter (Thai & Korea YT & TikTok under ThaiMiniSeries) eps 8-9 of 14 - TutorYim are cute. And nice to have decent music with Thai actors for a change. 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

All the Liquors (Korea Thurs Gaga & Viki) ep 1-2 of 8 - Oh my God, breaking up with a man because he picked the wrong restaurant for a holiday meal is v relatable, but the reaction ”how can you break up with me before we’ve eaten?” is the best thing ever. I may identify with our baby party boy hedonist more than any other BL lead ever presented. I adore how Korea is leaning into “out gay boys” these days. Love love love the gay bestie. This is on the New Employee end of the KBL spectrum, no bad thing. Not sure about the alcoholism angle tho. Still, this is a fun show! I don’t even mind the crash into me trope when combined with baby is a floppy drunk trope. 

HIStory 5: Love in the Future (Taiwan Weds Viki) ep 10fin (or 19&20) - Not at all surprised that Vincent (Sam? How many names does this man need?) was pulling a double cross, because from the credits we knew the pairs get along. Couple’s necklaces and a sweet make up sequence for the sides. Nice sex scene and manufactured drama for the mains. Ultra cheese fest ending for all including random H4 couple. Full review and rating below. 

Jack o’Frost (Japan GaGa) ep 3 of 6 - The first time sex scene from the past was sweet and well done. That said, a traditional BL romance is not what this story is doing. It’s about 2 people at different points in a romantic journey, one of whom has memories of a failed relationship (and associated baggage) and the other who does not (so is starting at fresh). It’s using high concept to explore this, but that means (this beaning Japan) HEA is on shakey ground. Also, still running a bit low energy for me. 

It’s Airing But ...

Blue Sky Complex (Japan ???) 5 eps for VR - Kei Ichikawa's manga is getting a JBL adaptation. Weird distribution though, it started Feb 27 sequentially on 360 Channel (SHOCHIKUch) a VR video distribution service. Will inter-fans ever get to see this, and if it’s filmed for VR will it adapt without being overly dark and fuzzy? I have questions. But as usual, you do you Japan and we will wait (im)patiently to see if you remember the rest of the world exists. This is my preferred kind of live action yaoi, so fingers crossed: 

Boyband (Thai) ep 2 of 10 - Stopped airing on YouTube, and only available in Thailand & Japan. Not sure if they’re working a distribution deal or just fucking with us.

Cafe In Love (Thai ???) 10 eps on Ch3+ - Thai pulp, about trying to save a coffee shop. FairyGodBLer came through for me, but I’m collecting to binge just in case. It’s my new policy with the grey stuff.

Destiny Seeker (Tues WeTV Thailand) 10 eps - it’s not on any WeTV I can get ahold of. Bad Buddy the pulp rebirth meets Japanese handsome host club action. Same as above.

Heesu In Class 2 (Korea Thurs unknown, I check Viki Gaga iQIYI) - A gay(er) version of Sex Education. I’m still not sure this one is actually happening.

Finished This Week 

My Beautiful Man 2 AKA Utsukushii Kare Season 2 

These two have such a great DS dynamic. Only Hira would apologize for fucking and wanting to fuck his own boyfriend, but doing it anyway. Talk about a service top with a humiliation fetish. Sheesh. The masochism is strong with this one. (Since I do not deal with humiliation fetishists well, the cringe factor got to me a little.) Still, pouty jealous Kiyoi is the cutest. [One flaw: The photographer dude should have been played by Kenta. Just a little joke.] 

SUMMATION 

All in all, this 2nd season didn’t blow me away the way the 1st did. It was quieter and more uniform in its narrative and messaging - thus more predictable. The basic relationship misunderstanding remained the same - all about value and self worth and how that’s assessed. The result is a dialogue between imposter syndrome and a parasocial relationship. If these 2 only had the language and framework of BDSM to understand each other, than they would, but they don’t so the story is us watching them suffer for it. But that’s part of the fun. Part of their fun too, I think, as if the fighting and misunderstanding is just another one of their many kinks. An engaging and solid second installment that was so consistent, I’m going to keep the rating consistent too. 9/10 

HIStory 5: Love in the Future 

High concept of a man from the past traveling to Covid times and getting involved with a spoiled rich kid soon to be CEO that ultimately made for a dull story. Sides were stellar but intentional miscommunication as a narrative driver never works for me. Good chemistry, nice sex scenes, and a cheesy ending (90% of the time) is Taiwan’s BL brand. I expected nothing less. But there is a little part of me that hoped for something more. 7/10 

Never Let Me Go 

Bodyguard romance where poor boy must watch over rich boy for family obligation reasons. Simple premise well executed with a few bumps that made it feel like it was trying to tackle too much (when it wasn’t). Still, an enjoyable show that benefited from being handed to PondPhuwin who did a stellar job with their roles and chemistry. Is it going into permanent rewatch rotation? No, but a solid GMMTV offering. 8/10 

Moonlight Chicken 

I enjoyed this complicated little show, even though it’s spectacularly messy gay with lots of shrapnel and authentic pain. I thought EarthMix turned in their most compelling performance to date. But it was GeminiFourth who stole my heart.  That said, the most interesting central relationship was that of Jim & Li Ming, their father-son angst mixed with evident affection made me tear up. This was more slice of life than it was BL, but it ended happily so I’m not mad at it. 8/10 

Gossip

Apparently Pavel (my love) has been added to the cast of Pit Babe, a Thai BL series I thought was defunked (it was supposed to be out in Jan). So I’m happy. I also put it back on the 2023 tracking sheet. 

Tia51 announced upcoming sampler pack Thai BL My Universe. Normally I don’t report on Thai announcements, as they are pure speculation, but this one is reported to feature 22 actors, 11 couples, 12 stories, and 24 episodes in August 2023. STOP OR YOU’LL GO BLIND. (FB page BLUpdate2020 has a full rundown of the 12 stories.) No MDL listing that I can find. Giving the War or Y peeps a run for their money? Or just epic Thai BL lever pulp-tastic insanity?

New Pinoy BL Stay announced, 6 eps featuring boys who unexpectedly meet in Los Angeles. More here.

In case you missed it 

Jeff Satur is leaving BeOnCloud. Honestly, who tf didn’t see this coming? He just dropped a MV with SHAUN (Steal The Show). Jeff is one of the biggest Thai indies and Shaun is legacy Kpop indie. Jeff was and is always more focused on singing and that’s busted a pair before. Frankly speaking, he's ambitious and doesn’t need BeOnCloud. I’m a big believer in breaking from an agency if you have the platform to go it alone. And just because he’d not repped by them doesn’t me he can’t still work with them, sheesh calm down KP fandom. (Honestly this seems to be my mantra since that damn show aired.) 

Next Week Looks Like This:

03/08 - Pastsenger (Thai Gaga) 12 eps- Stars Marc (My Gear & Your Gown) and Cooper (My Engineer) both formerly paired with others, in a time travel paranormal that smacks of HIStory 5. Sunshine 90s kid travels to 2022, goes to university, encounters grumpy nerd.

03/09 - Our Dating Sim (Korea unknown) - What happens when two men, friends since schoo, meet again at work to create a dating simulation game together.

03/12 Future (Thai YouTube & Gaga?) 5 eps - Based on a y-novel by Faddest (En of Love - yeah I didn’t know that was based on a novel, either). About, you guessed it, an engineering student and a dentist. Maybe this will be the FOTS we were all hoping for? Fuse (the engineering student) is played by Boom from the En of Love and is kinda the same character (Field). I think we can expect this one to be soft, it’s from the 21 Day Theory people. (maybe March 19 international)

Full list of upcoming in March 2023 is here.

2023 forthcoming BL master post. (see comments, some are inaccurate, NOT KEPT UPDATED)

This Week in Subs of Qua?

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENTS

I liked this scene in Moonlight Chicken so much I did a whole post about it. 

Chains of Heart the past relationship. can’t wait to see if they do as well with the present one. 

(last week)

Current Kpop earworm? Peacemaker by P1Harmony (I’m considering stanning this group because their rap line is insane, everyone can dance, Theo is beautiful, and Keeho is an adorable nut job with a great voice. Talk about a boy who should do BL, and probably would without a care in the world. Stop him though, these boys are gonna be the next Monsta X.) 

[aeirithgainsborough]

i'm curious, do you know why or have and theories on why they make cloti kiss but clerith only hug/hold hands? I was thinking that clerith is more pure and their love is slowly blossoming aka slowburn which I find cute and very fitting for them but the clerith shipper in me is angry bc I would have loved to see them kiss LOL what are your thoughts?

I’ll be real with you, I don’t think either ship should have had a kiss yet and im astonished CT did and how it happened, i think its spoiled all the build up having it there when they’ve been arguing a lot and that it would have been so much more poignant after the LS sequence but now the moment is gone on a poorly framed kiss they’re never going to talk about again bcus it has no relevance to the plot. Thats why they have them agree not to talk about it. I think it’s a shame for people who have waited for 27yrs for that moment. And then after it no matter what they all have to play as Cloud has many non optional romantic moments with Aerith in ch 13 + 14. Reviews have mentioned how off and disjoined it is. I think that’s why they made sure to emphasise before the game came out that the dates were meant to be fun but don’t impact the story. But id be pissed if id waited that long for a kiss and that’s how i got it. and especially that in one route cloud looks like a dick but in another he doesn’t; that should really tell them something about the story. Why they gave them one idk, but I kinda wonder if it was getting them on the hook for p3 cus the last 2 chapters made CT fans real mad (even if they’re pretending otherwise on main, ppl have seen their discord and they’re not happy).

I think CA don’t kiss for a few reasons:

Cloud has remembered Zack, albeit incorrectly, much earlier. Through the game he has instances of jealousy towards him and that becomes more uncomfortable and confusing once he’s remembered they were friends. This has just happed before the dates and why when they get on skywheel he’s a bit awkward and won’t sit beside her! Of course that doesn’t last long; it was either nojima or nomura but one of them said in remake that cloud tries to keep distance between him and Aerith but he can’t do it 🥰🥰 but Zack definitely makes him more reluctant and unsure. Even when he reaches to take her hand it’s slow and cautious bcus he doesn’t know if it’s okay. And of course it is!

Aerith is fully aware Cloud is not himself. On his GS date she tells him she’s trying so hard to find him but in case you missed that as you did a different date, she also says it again in the sleeping forest; that cloud should focus on the real him she’s been looking for and leave Sephiroth to her. She knows there’s something up and kissing him knowing that is not something I think Aerith would do.

CA are the love that could never be ship. In the trailer for the 97 game, that was what they were described as. Part of the tragedy of clerith is that they have these budding feelings but before they have a chance to go anywhere Aerith is murdered. In the original cloud realises the depth of his feelings too late: at the end he says ‘I think I understand now’ and then expresses his desire to meet Aerith in the promised land. And all crossover material he’s in emphasises that he’s always looking for her. They are a star crossed lovers ship. And cloud is also dense and emotionally a mess; yes he likes her clearly, he shows jealousy for Zack, he goes on dates with her, he holds her hand and looks so happy to do so, but he can’t put all those feelings he has and come up with the right answer. In the church she confesses and he doesn’t quite get it and she, linking to her resolution imo (don’t fall in love with me) drops it and apologises and hugs him instead. This is all in line with the OG, that he’ll be hit with the full force of his feelings and what she meant in p3. Remember he’s just said he wants to go on more dates to create more ‘our spots’ with her. She looks happy and then sad when he says this because yay he likes her he wants to do this again, but of course she knows what he doesn’t: that they are about to run out of time.

So that is why I think they don’t kiss. I think it makes sense they didn’t! But I do think they’ll kiss in p3 for sure.

[neuroticboyfriend]

i think big part of why it take me so long to make posts is because schizophrenia makes my thought stream very scrambled and so need to spend lots of time organizing what i say... so people understand easy and also dont misunderstand me. misunderstanding scare me because people get mean. and now, see how type talk, very fatigued. so. shortcut, dont organize, just speak easily as possible.

this remind me of how could never finish essay in class, but teacher keep force me. wouldnt even let me us computer to type, even tho type ability to cut paste delete make it so much easier. when writing, paper would just end up being a few disjoined sentences and bunch of scribbled out writing. teacher refused to accomodate because "wouldnt be fair to other students." funny tho, when given time and computer, write elegant essays and professors think take soo quick but they dont know it take me hours.

[funjidae]

~Eruhan oneshot~

┌──── • ─── ◆ ──── • ────┐

Title: Enemies

// NSFW //

~

The high command had handed down sentences on them, they were the enemies and they had to be executed after completing their work, but, for a man with a serious face now, the dutiful plan did not seem good, because the one who was the leader of that army to which they wanted to errocate was the one that brought him insane, and, exalted to his nerves, the one he had begun to see as a piece of meat without merits and rights when he met her for the first time, but when he got to know her after times of sharing talks, lunches and projects, and when the image of her had gotten so much into his head, he could do nothing more than have wet dreams and wish to have her for himself, that woman had finished him...on his knees imploring everything of her.

Above all, she was like a hostage and could take advantage of it, that thought invaded him sometimes, but he did not count on the fact that this woman with a kind face but a rude character was also interested in him in an intense way.

~

One day, being left alone after spending hours working on an important plan, they both looked at each other out of the corner of their eyes. Some would have thought that it was a sign of hate, hatred or rancor, but, this was the complete opposite of that...

A tug on his shirt, a squeeze of neck on the female, a rubbing of the legs and the closeness had them lying on the desk where they had been working before, she only had her shirt completely open and he was no longer wearing his suit. A push from her legs forward indicated how much effort the man was putting into her, and with more intensity, at the end the moans turned into a dry plea, the same anguish was heard invading the walls, but she and both him, they were enjoying what they where doing in that office with the low chandelier lights.

She gasped not to do it, she didn't want to put everything at risk, but the more she refused, the more her body urged for him and he just enjoyed her hard nipples just for him and his tongue.

-Erwin stop... Erwin...- Gasped without being able to breathe properly.

She caressed the blond hair making him do more of what she supposedly didn't want... the blond's wet fingers danced on the intimacy that trembled of the nerves of her body. He was wanting for her, wanting no more power.

He raised his face to hers and kissed her, while he did so he played with her body.

-I've been wanting to know how you would moan my name for a while- He brushed his right cheek against hers and came to gently bite a part of her ear.

She went numb at the contact. She couldn't deny at all what those long, thick fingers were making her feel on her. She kept moaning under her breath, wanting to know now how something else would feel inside her.

Was agile and took the man from his arms placing his legs by his hips.

-If you want to know how I'm going to moan your name so much, make me do it." She gave him that look that lets you know that the maximum point of madness and desire have already been broken.

Erwin knew exactly what she was referring to, so he caressed her hard legs from the exercise and took his own member, caressing her first and after a few seconds both were united as one meat. She arched her back, clinging hard to the desk. He started with the biggest game, he wanted to know more than anything else how she was in that state and he was going to achieve it.

The desk creaked every time Erwin entered her, Hange reveled in the blond's first and last name and again; name, surname and position, she moaned loudly and so the sweat ran down her medium-sized breasts. The nails were buried in the wood, the back curved even more, the hair of both bathed in sweat that at the moment that their bodies joined and disjoined they danced... their eyes remained closed with a frown, the veins sagged. they jumped at the blond by force, if someone could be present apart from them, they would know that the forces they were making were too much and all to be able to feel each other again and again.

They murmured when they felt the heat embracing their bodies, the sound of the wood from the desk, her breathing and the sweat bathing them both. It was the perfect scene for their persons, better than the ones he ever dreamed of before, while he caressed himself. pronouncing the name of the chestnut hair.

Reaching the limit, when he began to ejaculate and wanting to take his member inside her, she stopped him with an indecipherable look. Before the arrest he ran inside her, sweating without measure and making him moan along with her, embraced, without pity, they just let themselves be carried away by their nature.

When that had elapsed a few days, they did not say many words to each other and more on Hange's part, she did not want to get involved with him anymore, despite the fact that she left him in a hurry, he for his part acted serene without forgetting what had happened. passed between them, but, just as it began, they would do it again, finding themselves in the same situation, imploring for their actions and the warmth of their bodies.

There was denial and acceptance, doubt and a kind of wild treatment when it came to loving each other alone in that same room with low light lamps or in some moments in their respective bedrooms.

└──── • ─── ◆ ──── • ────┘

[drewsaturday]

~disclaimer i have not studied esperanto since i was like 14 so i do not know what i am talking about when i start touching it being vertumna's language and the possibilities that stem from that, and i also just generally do not know what i am talking about!~

anyway dys' name is so infuriating because even if besk was immensely fucked up why would you name your child dysthymia.

like i straight up think it stands for something else and she said it as a joke for instance to hear when she assumed dys was too young to remember, or tang said it as an insult or dys just made the assumption or someone logged it in his medical records wrong.

but the problem with all that is "dys" as a pre-fix... is going to make any word it's attached to bad??? because it literally! means bad.

SO part of me does want to just remember the colony language IS esperanto and maybe there's something there?

like apparently in esperanto "dis-" as a prefix is about separation/scattering.

if you look at besk's name, aka arabesque, one meaning is intertwined. tangent can refer to a divergence, or a straight line in specific math concepts that touches a curve. (although she may have changed her name with her transition i believe i remember a writer saying no alternative name existed for her.)

so tbh, at least ignoring that the other names would also need esperanto equivalents for this to make any sense, i'm gonna go with dys' name being directly an esperanto word because 1) it fits those themes WAY better, and 2) Do Not Name Your Child Depression.

anyway here's a list of esperanto words starting with that prefix to mine from.

options from it that fit the family's names that do not sound totally mean to give to a child. again, i may be copying things over wrong and i'm not copying every connotation, this is mostly for me please do not use it as a concrete guide!! -

disdividi - to partition (divide)

disdoni - to distribute

disfali - (NOT REALLY A NICE ONE BUT IT STILL FITS) to collapse or fall apart

disigi - to disjoin or separate (tbh, some of these also work if you see them as names specifically for twins, and he and tangent may have easily been identical)

disiĝi - to become divided into two (see the above note ;lkjaskdjlf)

disĵeti - to scatter

disligi - to disjoin

dispeli - to disperse

disporti - to bring around or distribute (i know it probably doesn't have the connotation of roundness that "bring around" could evoke, but since tangent's math context is that the line touches the line of a circle i do like this matching it!)

dissemi - scatter

disvastigi - spread or disseminate

disvastiĝi - become spread out/widespread (LIKE BECOMING ONE OF THE GARDENERS.....)

disvastiĝo - distribution (and like.... distribution is technically a math term, but i have no idea if the same would apply in esperanto)

disvolvi or disvolvigi - to develop

ultimately it's hard because the game is in english, so you can assume the english words for the character names would also be translated into esperanto like their dialogue. so the other option for this would be to find something in esperanto that sounds like their equivalent (like the esperanto word for depression, then work from there) but like... idk esperanto man.

it's rough because google translate gives "distimio" for dysthymia but i don't trust google translate, and i'm not sure what esperanto dictionaries are good either. i feel like those kinds of words may not have specific equivalents anyway.

so if you look at esperanto words for depression, you get

"depresio/deprimo" but "dep-" words tend to be negative overall from what i've seen so let's not go there.

and "krizo" which is a bit more in-line with a general crisis but still fits

the thing is krizo CAN mean turning point! which i like, even though its connotations are that of a crisis! so maybe there's something there that still fit's besk's rough mental state but she instead thought having kids would make her less lonely, maybe her kids were a turning point in working on herself, etc, but she still failed.

(again i am not an expert in esperanto i am going off of wiktionary and esperanto dictionaries i do not know the validity of DO NOT TRUST ME.)

the other idea is that everyone's speaking esperanto but their names are actually in english. ik it's an assimilationist colony so they probs wouldn't! but it would give an excuse to have words that are separate from their day-to-day words to use as names. maybe that's where some of dys' own confusion about it stems from because his mom used a diff convention for him for some weird reason.

(maybe you could even argue their names are all in esperanto, but dys's is in a totally diff language that isn't even english. maybe it's the native tongue of that guy besk left back on earth but she had to lie and pulled DYSTHYMIA out of thin air so she'd still be allowed to do it. i do not know enough languages well enough for something to click for me here.)

basically i'm just jumping through hoops to fix what may have easily been an intentional decision from the writers for reasons i do not agree with, because that is all i exist to do.

[crow-caine]

To Be Determined: Prologue

The Bronze Raven. Quite catchy isn't it? It's a quaint establishment; one with enough room for about two-hundred bodies if they squeeze together to make the room. Never a dull moment within the cobblestone and red oak walls. Merry melodies and lively laughter can be heard reverberating throughout the building, and candlelight and fairy fire can be seen dancing among the furniture and bounding up into the rafters. The smell of various roasts, stews, and pastries consumes the senses while the patrons drown their sorrows and celebrate their joys with ale, mead, and other spirits. The perfect place for a band of adventurers to find solace and warmth. Never a dull moment, indeed. 

Many lives changed when those tavern doors opened to them for the first time. I know mine did. I was “down on my luck,” as some would say. The truth is, I was destroyed. My life, if I could even call it that anymore, was in shambles. I had lost every aspect of myself that made me, me. I was a storyteller; silver-tongued and eloquent, full of life and drive, and emboldened by the mere prospect of adventure. Now tattered, my words would get caught in my throat, for the stories in my collection, the adventures in my journals, and the life I once had plagued my mind and weighed far too heavy on my soul to ever share in full. 

A storyteller rendered incapable of telling stories for fear of... well, quite frankly I’m not quite certain anymore. I knew in the beginning why I held a deep fear of telling my tales, but that knowledge is lost to me now. A failing memory doesn't serve a storyteller well, but I suppose it suited me; still suits me. Perhaps my stories became too tragic for the ears of the audience I used to gather. Perhaps they grew into something too horrific for any mind to stay sane should they hear them in full. Perhaps they were...

Apologies. 

It seems as though I'm losing myself to my thoughts. 

The Bronze Raven, in concept, was meant to be a safe haven, a sanctuary, for all who entered; the tavern keepers were successful in this endeavor. The keepers care not about where the patrons come from or the path they are taking. They simply welcome all with open arms. 

The day I found The Bronze Raven, I was lost, though that's a light way of putting it. I had hardly any recollection of who I was before my plummet into the waking nightmare I found myself in. The tavern keepers, however, found me. And after taking in the sight of my horror-ridden excuse of a body, the couple gave me journals with a glint of melancholic familiarity in their eyes. These journals were filled from cover to cover with stories; stories that I felt I should know, but they were missing from my collection. 

The invigorating tales of adventure within the journals were unraveled, disjoined if you will. There was a deep ache in what little remained of my soul at that realization. It felt... wrong.

So I began to weave. 

[brokentoys]

@averagetm sent . . . “ we shouldn’t have slept together. ” the words were pushed from her lungs, subconsciously picking at her fingernails as she continued. “ you shouldn’t have . . . You shouldn’t have treated me so . . . ” so tenderly, as if he really did love her. the brunette was fidgeting, lips parting as she tried to voice her thoughts to him. “ do you really love me? ” a broken whisper, never once looking up at him. “ because I don’t . . . You could find someone that’s much less . . . You could find someone so much better. ”

His heart stopped at her words. Was she feeling regret ? Did she realize there were no feelings for him ? His lips disjoin to spill his own words of panic. but his lips closed, & he pulled all the words back. Eddie will let her go on before making any assumptions.

It seemed as though she's entangled by insecurity. Both a relief to him, as it meant she likely had no regrets. Yet he also couldn't help but feel sorry that she was blind to her own greatness.

A sigh departed from his mouth. ❝ Of course, ❞ the answer came so naturally, & without hesitation. ❝ I'm not a liar, I wouldn't have told you something that wasn't true. ❞ & that itself was the truth. Eddie may possess the ability to keep something to himself. But he cannot create a lie. It's a habit that his father had beaten into him as a child.

He shook his head in disagreement. ❝ But I really can't. Last girlfriend I had is currently in prison for mass murder, & holding me hostage. ❞ He rubbed at the back of his neck, almost sheepishly. Eddie realized that may have not been the most flattering thing to say. But it's true, & it's what dating in Gotham was like. Especially when you're the Riddler. ❝ You haven't done anything to make me th - to make me think less of you. You've been kind, smart, & we share a bit in common I feel. I don't think you'd ever pull a gun on me. How could I ever want more ? ❞

The speed of his hand scratching grew faster, almost frantic. Eddie wondered if it's simply her insecurity that made her believe he couldn't really love her. Or . . . ❝ I'm not taking things too fast, am I ? ❞ A common complaint he had amongst people. Eddie always fell in love so quickly, & so passionately. Perhaps one of the reasons why he hasn't had much luck with love. Or, at least until now, he hoped.

[typingtess]

A few thoughts on "Shame"

While there was an interesting story to tell about gay members of the Navy dealing with prejudices and fears, this wasn't that episode.  This was a hella talky hour where there was very little action and a whole lot of characters telling you what they were going to do, doing it and then explaining what they did.  And all that talking was in mostly in the same locations.  This episode had a COVID season feel to it – people siloed in specific storylines with little interactions unless on the big screens or on the phone.

Again, there is a good story to tell – especially with someone like Chief Hughes who joined the Navy when being gay would get you dishonorably discharged, moved into 'don't ask/don't tell' and in recent years a more inclusive military.  The issues between Hughes and Bradshaw who served in that more inclusive Navy was a story worth telling.  That all wasn't told here.  Bradshaw was set up as villain – why did he have the second account with $50,000 – but that wasn't true.  Yes, he was unfaithful to his wife but that doesn’t make him the bad guy.  

Same with Friar, who was "administratively separated" from the Navy.  He was bounced for being gay, probably just before the rules changed.  Again, there is a story to tell about the men and women who would have been positive forces in the military being shown the door for being who they are.  Frustrating since they could tell this story.

I had a hard time seeing Kam's sweatshirt but I'm guessing she's at Berkley (that's what it looked like to me).  Good use of the show's history that Aiden knew about Riley before Sam did.  Aiden also helped Kam buy her car behind Sam's back.  He's taking care of his little sister.  While I think the home audience knew that Sam wouldn't have issues with Kam as long as she was happy, sometimes children think their parents would.

Liked that Kensi was comfortable enough with Fatima to do the big self-correct and apologize to Adebayo.  With the teasing the firing rage to start the episode, it is good to see the two female field agents getting along so well.

The Callen and Anna stuff was all played for laughs but bad use of the show's history.  I remember Callen complaining that Arkady wanted a Dr. Zhivago-themed wedding.  And since he was married a few times, I'm sure Arkady knows a wedding planner or two.

Not an awful hour, more disappointing.  They could have done a good story here but this was disjoined and just needed something more.  

For those wondering, CBS is airing a rerun next week.  The two episodes after that will likely be delayed but late running NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament games.  

[thelemoncoffee]

What did you like the least about Raincode? I really enjoyed it but feel like it's missing something in terms of interest and I can't help but be curious now

i think it's easier to say what parts i did like- but if you want a negitive, i hate how disjointed it feels.

what do i mean by disjoined? WEEEEELLLL-

only one case in the whole game actually affects the plot and characters directly, everything else can be swapped out for literally anything and have the same affect. in ronpa, you change the outcome of any of the murders and everything after it changes. Raincode cases aren't tied to the plot enough, you could skip over all but one labyrinth entirely and know nothing about the cases and still know all you need to about the plot. what is the point of making it a murder mystery if the murders aren't actually tied to the plot!?

The other master detectives only get to really be characters within their own chapters, otherwise they're just background characters and nothing more, rarely did they get to do things on their own. Ronpa characters- while some did have this happen to them, for the most part still did things that made the cast feel alive and active, everyone always had something to say about everything and felt like they were actually doing things outside of the protag's view . Raincode characters seem to forget they're detectives as soon as their chapter is over, their character development is isolated to their chapter and nothing more, the only chapter they got to be real characters in instead of NPCS outside their own chapters was that singular aforementioned chapter that actually was tied to the plot

The FTE are fucking hidden!! or the gumshoe gabs or whatever they were called. in Ronpa FTE was a whole ordeal that the game actively encouraged you to participate in so you could know the characters better, and it was done in a way that flowed with the plot and made it feel like it was a natural part of the world and the cycle of the killing game. Raincode FTE aren't given their own designated point to play them, you have to go find fucking memory shards to unlock one FTE per character per chapter, and you can access them whenever you want. YOU COULD BE IN THE MIDDLE OF A MURDER CASE HANGING OVER A DEAD MAN AND GO "MAN, I THINK I WANT TO HAVE A LITTLE CHAT WITH FUCKING DESUHIKO!" AND THEN DO IT. it is so disconnected from everything around it, and the possibility of missing them is pretty decent if you don't know you're suppose to go look for them. the FTE are so important to the character development because the fucking main plot sure as hell ain't doing it

the ending twist- the horror one, not the other 'main' one (i saw the 'main' twist before the game came out, which is another issues in and of it self, but i won't get into it here). it feels like it's from a totally different game, it feels like it's there for shock factor and nothing else. it genuinely looked like they wanted to end the game at chapter four with how final battle it felt, but then went "oh shit! we didn't explain why the city is Like That™, crap uuuh- CHAPTER FIVE HORROR TWIST WOOO!!"

side quests....... just-.... Side. Quests.

it's so aggravating how much this story just feels like a bunch of other, smaller, unrelated stories in a raincoat(ha) instead of a real fully thought out recreational chain of events. all the individual chunks have potential in them, but it's wasted the way this game was handled. it also is in this weird paradoxical state of being where it has alot going on for such a short game (short compared to ronpa i mean)- but it still somehow drags in places and feels empty and like they could have done alot more

normally i wouldn't compare a Kodaka Project to DR like this, but they were hyping it up so much as the successor to DR i feel like i kinda should. and i do have opinions about its ties to DR and how that actually made the game worse, but that's a whole nother can of worms

[reduciodepresso]

Their Own Story (Fexi; Euphoria) Alternate pt.1

Warnings: smut, moderate angst 

Lexi tried not to think about it: that night where Rue went to see Fez; that night where Lexi listened in from the bedroom, feeling helpless to it all. She wanted to listen to Fez when he told her to stay out of it, and to give herself half a shred of credit, she wasn’t the one to bring it up.

No, in the end, it was Rue who approached her about it, high out of her mind on a Tuesday afternoon. “Yo, Lexi, I’m… well, I don’t really know how to say this,” she said, a sorta slur in her speech, a stumble in her step as she held onto the neighbouring locker for support.

Lexi could’ve told Rue to stop before she even started, and Rue would’ve never known that she knew about the predicament she was in, but Lexi didn’t do that. Instead, Lexi listened to Rue’s disjoined explanation about how she’s become the worst drug dealer in the history of drug dealers, and now owe 10k in drug money, without a clue on how to get it.

“So… you’re asking me to become… a drug dealer?”

“Or, like, find a way to come up with 10K?”

“So you wanna keep the drugs? Rue, that’s worse,” Lexi hissed, closing her locker with a slam. “How much have you already… taken, anyways?”

“I dunno.”

“You don’t know?”

“I… probably like a quarter?”

“A quarter?”

“Maybe a little more.”

“Rue!” Lexi couldn’t help but exclaim, anger and frustration pricking her skin as she felt herself starting to get worked up over something she said she wouldn’t get worked up over.

Rue could tell, making an exasperated noise that sounded a bit like a whine; “Lexi, I don’t want to hear it right now, I really don’t. All I need to know is if you’ll help me, because… because I really need it right now.”

Don’t get involved, it’s not worth it; she reminded herself.

It’s not exactly like she’d ever return the favour.

“I don’t know anything about being a drug dealer,” Lexi said instead.

“I don’t either, but I thought… I figured… we could sorta figure it out together. Like partners in crime.”

Lexi laughed at that one, slightly annoyed that Rue chose to follow her to her next class. “Rue… this is serious.”

“I mean, if Fez could do it—”

“—Fez literally grew up doing this shit! What makes you think we’d suddenly be pros?”

“Woah! Didn’t realize I touched a nerve.”

Rue gave her a funny look, causing Lexi to stop in her tracks to give her friend a proper look. She regretted it almost as soon she did, as it gave her the opportunity to notice how bad Rue looked. “If we’re going to do this,” Lexi breathed out, wishing she could stop the words that were coming out of her mouth, “we’re going to do this right.”

“Hence, why I came to you about it! Well, that and the fact that you’re the only one who knows about my little…” relapse. Lexi doesn’t need to hear the end of the sentence, she could fill in the blanks just fine.

Every time she was reminded by the fact, it would catch in the pit of her stomach, and twist at her insides. She should just go to Rue’s mom, and tell her what’s going on. Lexi knew it was the best chance Rue had at getting better, and yet, she couldn’t bring herself to do it, clinging to the blind hope that Rue would try and change for herself. For the people who cared about her.

Because if Rue could see it, maybe her dad could to. Not that she cared about him anymore. She knew he was too far gone.

“So, you’re in?”

Lexi studied Rue’s appearance, sweat matting her hair to the nape of her neck, sunglasses hiding the haze of her mind; “yea, I guess I am.”

She wasn’t dumb enough to think that she was helping Rue, or at least, that’s what she told herself that night as she tried to come up with a plan.

They decided to start with large gatherings—parties, lunch break, that sorta thing. It was Lexi’s suggestion, not just to keep their names off the radar, but because she had been watching how Fez worked, and knew that it was best option she had at keeping him in the dark to all of it. Because that was the last thing she wanted to happen.

Rue teased her for it, telling her that she was overthinking it, and that it was: “really not the serious,” and that most drug dealers: “are so high, they don’t pay much attention to the details.”

“Smoking a bit of weed, and using up half the supply of fentanyl are different things, Rue.”

Rue raised her hands in defence, before letting Lexi carry on with her plan.

That night when she had gone to see Fez, he could tell something was off, but didn’t press too hard when she shook the question off. She liked that about Fez, how he didn’t pry, but kept the question there on the table if she ever did want to talk about it.

And she did want to talk about it, but, she couldn’t do that to him—put him in such a position where he’d feel forced to make a decision, to get involved in something he chose to stay out of, to feel the responsibility he didn’t deserve to feel… well, she couldn’t do that to him. So, she kept quiet, and instead snuggled closer to his chest and tried to pay attention to the movie they were watching.

She pretended that everything would be okay if she stayed in his arms, creating an invisible shield between them and the outside world. She’d go back to it every time she started to get overwhelmed after that, closing her eyes and picturing the couch they’d sit on, like she wasn’t selling a bunch of pills to a bunch of random people. She pretended like the very thought didn’t make her feel incredibly uncomfortable, like she was going against a fundamental value of hers with every handful of cash she’d take.

They made close to three grand within the two week, giving Lexi the slightest bit of hope that they were going to figure it out. It gave her enough hope to agree to celebrate with Rue on Friday.

“Who would’ve thought that we’d be here now,” Rue said to her as they drank, sitting on the floor of Lexi’s bedroom. “Best. Friends. Forever.”

Lexi snorted into her drink, smiling to herself of the thought. “I definitely did not think my high school experience would include selling drugs, I’ll give you that.”

“Thanks, by the way. For sticking with me,” Rue added, “I think you’re the only one… whose stuck by my side through it all. Even when I’m a shit person.”

“You aren’t—”

“—yea. I am. I couldn’t stay clean for everyone, I basically walked myself into a corner with no way out.”

“We’re finding a way out now.”

Rue gave her a funny look, an ironic smile dancing on her lips as she crushed her first drink and reached for a second. “What is it?” Lexi asked, but Rue didn’t respond.

She found her answer a day later when she went through their supply.

“Whatcha looking for?” Rue asked from the other room, oblivious to Lexi’s findings; “so, I was thinking that we go to this party on 6th street that’s coming up, see if we can make use of peoples drunken decisions.”

“Lexi?”

She turned to find Rue right behind her now, a series of emotions flashing across her face as she realized why Lexi was staring at her in such a way. “Lexi…” she started slowly, “I…”

“There’s no way that we’re going to make that money back,” Lexi whispered, “you just couldn’t help yourself, could you? I’m trying to help you!”

“I didn’t ask for it!”

“Yes! Yes, you did!” Lexi ran her hands through her hair, panic starting to make its way to the surface, and settled in her heart. “Rue. You’ve been running the supply dry! Do you really have no self control?”

“Pretty sure that’s the definition of an addict, Lexi,” Rue fired back, getting angry now too, “you shouldn’t have taken that into consideration when you agreed to help. Did you really think I could just suddenly go a few weeks without anything? I… I need…”

“You need help,” Lexi finished for her, “and I haven’t been helping you, have I?”

“No! No, you have! It’s not your fault that I’m here, I… I wouldn’t have had to do this if Fez hadn’t cut me off! I wouldn’t have had to do all this if—”

“—don’t you dare bring Fez into this! This was your decision, addict or not. Why even ask for my help if you were going to keep using it all up?”

“Well, I figured once you realized we weren’t going to make it all back you’d… help in other ways.”

Lexi couldn’t understand how she didn’t see it before, too blinded by her naïve hope to notice Rue’s clammy skin, and dilated eyes. “Help in other ways, how?” Lexi asked in a dangerously even tone.

“I don’t know! Does your… does your mom still have her wedding ring or something?”

“Does my mom—”

“—I can’t take my moms, my dads dead, remember?”

Lexi’s mouth hangs open, taking one last second to stare before storming past Rue. “Where are you going?” Rue asks.

“I don’t know! I don’t know anything, Rue!” Lexi tells her, looking back over her shoulder; “at least Fez took steps to try and stop you from using; steps that I’m clearly not taking. Maybe it’s time I do the right thing.”

“Nono, Lexi wait!”

But she’s already walking away, listening to Rue’s increasingly desperate voice as she tries to talk her out of doing something stupid.

Lexi wished she had the strength to tell her mom right then and there when she got home, grief and anger making her head feel light and clouded, the words hanging on the tip of her tongue when her mom asked her how her night went.

But still, she couldn’t do it, and instead said that she didn’t feel well.

“Well then go lie down, sweetie, make it an early night. You don’t look very good.”

Lexi didn’t feel very good, either. But, she couldn’t fall asleep either, so when she heard her mom go to sleep, she snuck out of the window and went to see Fez.

“Yo, Lexi. What are you… what are you doin here?” He asked her when he found her on his front steps, opening the door a little wider and gesturing for her to come inside.

She sniffled, hastily wiping her face when she realized she was now crying.

“I think I fucked up,” she told him, “and I really didn’t want to tell you, but I don’t know what else to do—and where else to go. You’re… you’re like the only one who knows.”

“Knows what?”

He closes the door behind them, wordlessly taking Lexi’s coat off and hanging it on one of the hooks that hung in the entryway. She relaxed slightly as she felt his hands on her shoulders, the moment allowing her to get a proper breath into her lungs. “Rue,” she explained shortly, “Rue came to me, and I tried to help.”

“You…” she watches as realization dawns in his eyes, and he suddenly looked a little more interested in what she had to say. “Lex, please don’t tell me you got involved with that shit.”

“I…” the tears started to fall again, only this time it was out of fear of disappointing him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry. I’m…”

She trails off as he pulls her into his arms, his firm hand holding the back of her head and pressing her in close to his chest. She breathes in the scent of his laundry detergent mixed with weed and whatever body wash he used, the scent that told her she was safe, and that the rest of the world can wait for a moment.

“You should’ve told me, I could’ve…” Fez let out a small huff of frustration, “I could’ve gotten you outta this.”

“I couldn’t just watch her drown,” Lexi sobs quietly, “I’m sorry, I could see her disappear like…” she swallows hard; “like my dad.”

“Just tell me what happened, alright? We’ll see what we can do. Nobodies gunna drown, okay?”

Lexi nods against him, taking a deep breath before explaining: “she used too much of her supply, and asked for help in… getting her moneys worth for the rest of it. But, she kept using it, and now there’s not enough, no matter what we do, she used too much of it.”

She listens to Fez curse softly, leading her to the living room and getting her to sit down. “And she got it from Laurie?”

Lexi nods silently, wishing she could pretend she didn’t see the steady panic building in his eyes.

“Okay… okay,” Fez mutters, taking a second to think before addressing her again; “are you good? Do you, like, want… I could make tea?”

Despite everything she actually considers it; “tea would be nice.”

“Okay, I’ll boil the water, just give me a sec.”

She watches him leave, gnawing at the inside of her cheek as she already wants him back to tell her it’s going to be okay. However, the tea was nice when he finally returned with it, and she drank it in silence as he watched her closely.

They ended up falling asleep right there on the couch, and he drove her home the next morning after a quick breakfast—like nothing had changed.

“You know, this isn’t your fault,” he said to her right as they pulled up to her house.

“It isn’t yours either.”

He nodded too fast, which was how she knew he didn’t believe her. “This is Rue, remember? I was friends with her before you. This has nothing to do with your world.”

“It doesn’t help that you’ve somehow managed to find yourself in my world. Whether it’s my doing or not—still my world.”

She kisses him, letting her hand linger on his cheek; “it’s not your fault.”

“You’re too kind, Lexi Howard.”

She smiled, and let him kiss her forehead before heading inside.

“Hey mom,” she greeted as she saw her in the living room.

“Hey sweetie, haven’t heard from Rue, have you? Her mom just called asking if we knew where she was.”

“No I…” her voice gets caught in her throat; “I haven’t.”

“Okay, well, just let me know if you do, alright?”

“Yea… I will.”

She pulls out her phone to text Rue the second she gets to her room, ignoring Cassie’s sulky stare as Lexi paces back and forth in front of her. Rue’s phone goes to voicemail when she decides to call her, and she leaves some rushed message along the lines of: “where the fuck are you.”

Fuck. She makes the split second decision to go out and look for her after the second call doesn’t go through, not bothering to explain this to her sister as she asks in that slightly whiney voice of hers where she was going.

No, she doesn’t tell her sister, nor her mom, and instead drags her bike out of the garage and starts heading to all of the spots Rue would go when she was avoiding her mom.

She finds her at the park they used to go the when they were little, sitting cross legged at the end of the slide. “Rue! I tried calling you!”

“The bad men are coming for me, Lex. Can’t take any risks.”

“The… the bad men? What are you talking about?”

“They ambushed me last night when I was walking home, had to go into hiding.”

Lexi tried to wrap her head around what she’s being told; “and a public park was your idea of hiding?” She finally went with, “Rue, we have to get you somewhere safe.”

“They’ll never expect it.”

“Rue…”

“Seriously Lexi, I’m a genius.”

“You…” she shook her head, unable to find the right words to use. “Come on, lets try and get you safe, okay? We can go to my place.”

But, just as she pulls Rue to her feet, they’re greeted with two men in wife-beaters and stern expressions. “What do we…” Lexi begins, only to have the men advance at a rapid pace, and grab them before they even get a chance to think about running.

“The more you struggle, the more this is going to hurt you,” one of them tells her, “you guys are just going to take a quick trip to see the boss, alright?”

Instantly, her body goes into overdrive, with every instinct telling her that she’s about to die.

Lexi squeezes her eyes shut, and once again pretends she was back on Fez’s couch, his arms holding her and telling her it’s okay. She could almost feel the pile of blankets that draped over the back of the couch, she could almost see the smoke that lingered in the room.

But then she blinks, and is reminded where she actually is as the car comes to a stop with a screech, and they’re getting brought to a house that sat in a small gated community. “I’ll just tell them you weren’t involved,” Rue tells her, but for some reason, Lexi has a hunch that whatever Rue says won’t be taken very seriously.

Lexi looks around as they walk through the front door, her eyes falling on the parrot that sat watching them in the living room, squawking loudly upon their entry. “What the fuck,” she murmurs quietly, stealing a quick glance at Rue as she appears to be somewhat unfazed by the bird. It reminds her of the fact that Rue has been here before.

A woman comes out to greet them in a voice that sounded so soft she had to make sure the woman had actually spoken. “I’ve been brought up to date on your current situation girls. You really think I don’t check up on my money?”

Rue sways slightly, making Lexi turn to make a note of how Rue was starting to look increasingly ill. How long had it been since she’s had anything; Lexi wonders, almost wishing she could ask her now.

But, it didn’t take a genius to make an estimated guess.

“Unfortunately, girls, I need my money. I’m running a business here.”

“Yes, I understand that,” Rue says, “we just… need a’lil more… time.”

She was definitely starting to experience withdrawals, Lexi could start to see the beads of sweat forming on her forehead. But apparently, so can the woman whose introduced herself as Laurie. “You’re going through withdrawals, aren’t you Ruby?”

“Erm…”

“I can help that, you know?”

Rue and Lexi spot the needle at the same time, Lexi reaching and and grabbing Rue by the arm. “Don’t,” she warns, “we’ll pay for it later.”

“I’m not a monster,” Laurie tells them both, “I’ve seen countless addicts, Rue.”

“Rue,” Lexi warns again, but can’t stop Rue from leaving this time, as when she tries to follow one of the men holds her back. She struggles against their hold, and doesn’t stop until he lands a blow to her cheekbone.

Lexi’s never really been hit before, so it startles her, making her stumble back and reach out to touch the side of face, just to feel it throbbing beneath her fingertips.

“Hey,” she hears one of them say, “ain’t that the girl that came to the house after mouse got murked.”

“Yea,” another one goes, “call Fezco up, see what he knows.”

“No.” Lexi’s response was involuntary, an instinctive cry at the thought of him getting involved. But, it was also ineffective, as all it does was cause the man who was holding her back to roughly shove her again, a pain spreading down the length of her arm as it twists awkwardly. So, she listens to them call Fez while holding her arm in silent pain, letting everything she felt consume her until all she could do was stare blankly at the floor.

She doesn’t even blink until Fez shows up, unable to tear her gaze away until she can hear his distinct voice. It makes her look up, briefly, just to see Fez look at her in silent torture.

“What’s all this?” He asks, indifferently enough, “this ain’t cool man, they’re not apart of this.”

“Yea? Then how did they rob us of 10k?”

“I dunno nothing about that.”

Lexi lets out a small noise as the man grabs her a little harder, just to watch the slightest twitch in Fez’s jaw. “Nah. I think you do,” he says, Lexi crying out this time as he twists her arm a little more, just to tease the idea of doing some more permanent damage.

Fez raises his arms, a gesture for the man to stop. “There’s no need for all of that, alright? Please, just…”

“You got the money?”

“The money?”

“A trade—make things even.”

“They ain’t…” he watches as the man lands another cheep shot to Lexi’s side, and he yells for him to let go. It wasn’t hard, nor did it necessarily put her in any more pain than she was already in, but from the look in Fez’s eyes it’s clear that the mans intention was to do nothing more than get a reaction out of him, which he had been successful in doing. “Alright! I’ll get it to you! Just… give her to me, okay?”

The man looks over at Laurie, who sits by Rue’s side. “Come back with the money, and they’re all yours.”

She could count the minutes if she really tried, that’s how quickly he returned, however, it could’ve also been the trauma she received to her head. Watching as Fez picked Rue up—as she was too drugged out to stand on her own—she followed him. He got Rue into the backseat of his car with ease, and then he turned to Lexi.

“I…” she begins as he walks over to where she was standing; “I’m sorry.”

He pulls her into his arms first, holding the side of her face so that when he pulls back, he can tilt her head back and kiss her. “It’s all good now, okay? You’re safe.”

Still, when his hand brushes past her cheek, she can’t help but flinch, Fez instantly pulling away when he realizes that she was in pain. “Let’s go home and get you some ice.”

“I’m fine; really.”

“I’m gunna get you ice,” he repeats a little more firmly, “it’s bad enough that I’m going to take you home looking like… well… y’know.”

“You’re taking me home?”

Lexi doesn’t like how her voice sounds when she speaks, as it quivers, and sounds too high, too… weak.

“Tomorrow. I mean’t.” Fez tells her as he leads her into the passenger seat of the car. “Unless you want to go home tonight?”

“No. No, I don’t.”

He gives her a quick look before walking around to the other side, and slides into the drivers seat, but it says enough.

She hears Rue laugh from the backseat as they start to drive away. “Fuck, I’m so high I think I just hallucinated you two making out.”

“Rue. Please, not now,” Lexi tells her friend, wanting nothing less than to engage in a conversation with her right now.

But still, Rue continues on; “fuck, imagine that, though. Ha!”

Fez scoffs sarcastically, and Lexi watches as he becomes visibly more frustrated when he catches the miserable look on her face. “Alright, Rue. We get it,” he tells her, while reaching out and taking Lexi’s hand from her lap, and giving it a light squeeze.

She couldn’t tell if Rue had noticed his act, or just that Fez sounded more sarcastic than normal, but either way she sees her slowly move to sit up a little straighter in the back seat. “Wait… tell me I’m wrong, then,” Rue goes as she tries to stay upright, while Fez has started to coincidentally drive a little bit more aggressively.  

“Oh my God, I’m right!”

Neither Lexi nor Fez speak up.

“Jesus fucking Christ, you guys are… youguysarefuckin?”

They don’t have to speak up, as Rue passes out shortly after (something that they knew would happen), and Lexi finally lets the tears that she had been holding back fall. The worst part is that she can feel Fez watching her as he tries to figure out how to comfort her, when right now, in this moment, all she wants is to be invisible, to simply cease to exist.

Even if it was just for a moment.

“I hate that I care about her,” she finally says through broken gasps for air, “I fuckin hate that I care, and that I’d call her my friend, even… even after she’s put me through hell, even after she’s… she’s put me last.”

“I know, Lex.”

“And I hate that all I can think about right now is how scared I am that you’ll leave.”

His body shift ever so slightly, and Lexi’s heart sinks as he takes just a moment too long to respond.

“No,” she whispers, watching as the car comes to a stop out front of his place. “No. Please don’t.”

“I didn’t say anything about breaking up,” Fez tells her, trying to hide the fact that he was still trying to find the right words to use. “C’mon now, why don’t we just head inside.”

Lexi wants to refuse. She wants to cross her arms and scream and yell and refuse to get out of the car until he promises he won’t leave her. But, instead she opens the door for Fez as he carries Rue inside, and lets him press ice to the side of her face once he’s found a place for her friend on the couch.

“Rue was outta line,” Fez says after a couple minutes of silence, “I need you to stay out of her shit, okay?”

Lexi frowns, and despite everything, she tells him: “I can handle myself.” It sounds silly as she says it, and she catches Fez almost smile at the words.

“You shouldn’t have to, not for something like this.”

“I can handle myself,” Lexi repeats, “and it’s not going to ruin me to be exposed to stuff that I already know exists.”

“Are we still talkin about Rue?”

“I know I fucked up, okay? I shouldn’t have agreed to get involved. But I know you would never ask me to do something like that. You… this has nothing to do with you.”

“It has everything to do with me,” Fez responds, his voice raising slightly, “this is my life.”

“I was already friends with Rue. Before you.”

He lets out a huff of frustration; “it doesn’t have to do with that. It’s about the potential danger of being around it all.” He watches her closely; “I don’t want out, it’s just…”

“Just what?” Now it’s Lexi’s turn to get annoyed, despite the tears that still ran down her face. “If you truly don’t want out, then you should have no problem letting me decide if it’s too dangerous. Okay? I can decide what’s best for me.”

“Which you’re so clearly good at.”

He had never spoken to her in that way, Lexi’s mouth actually falling open in shock. “Pardon?”

“You heard me.”

“I think I’m going to pretend I didn’t; actually.”

She couldn’t tell if she was crying now, her head numb to any sensation, a thumping noise drumming in her ears.

“I just feel like you have the… instinct to discard your safety when it involves people you care about.”

What makes you say that? Lexi wants to say, despite knowing the answer to be obvious.

Because of fucking Rue.

“Fez I…” she starts instead, her voice breaking slightly as she steps closer to him. “Please don’t leave.”

“I’m not… I’m not leaving, Lex.”

She shakes her head; “don’t leave,” she whispers, clasping her hands together to get them to stop trembling. “Don’t leave.”

Fez seems to be at a loss as to what to say, his eyes wide as he watches her with equal concern and frustration written into his expression. “Lex. You’ve had a long day, why don’t we just go to bed, okay?”

“I need to know,” she croaks out, her voice hoarse at this point from everything. “I… I can’t…”

“I’m not… I’m not gunna…”

“You can’t even fucking say it.”

He scratches the back of his neck, and starts to repeat her name in a last ditched effort to calm her down, with little to no luck. At this point, Lexi didn’t even know why she felt so fucking out of control, she didn’t even know what he could say to make her feel better, overwhelmed to the point of no return. It’s only when she catches a glimpse of herself in the reflection of the TV that she realizes she’s never lost herself like this before, a new form of panic now making it’s way to the surface as it dawns on her how much of a scene she’s making.

But, she can’t find the strength to compose herself, and before she can even apologize, Fez is pulling her into him and kissing her mouth. The feeling consumes her, the force of his touch bringing feeling back to her fingers as she wraps her arms around his neck. “Keep doing that,” she whispers against his lips, desperation clawing at her throat as she takes her first proper breath in what felt like years.

He listens to her request, and kisses her even harder, holding the base of her skull so that her head doesn’t fall back.

Still, she has to grab hold of the edge of the kitchen counter for support, a soft moan escaping her as she lets the rest of the world fall away, leaving room for only them.

“Keep…” she trails off, lost in thought before repeating the only words she can find; “keep doing that.”  

He responds by slipping his free hand beneath her shirt; “this what you want?” He asks her as he finds the clasps to her bra and blindly unhooks it.

“Yes,” she breathes out, giving him space to kiss her neck as she steadies herself using his body as support. “Make it all go away.”

She helps him with her shirt, letting both the top she wore and her bra fall carelessly to the floor. The thought of getting walked in on crosses her mind then as she stood topless in the kitchen, but the fact that Fez wasn’t overly concerned by this allowed her to let the worry float somewhere to the back of her head with the rest of her problems. Instead, she found her hands to roam beneath Fez’ shirt, to brush against the waistband of his boxers, just to get him to grind into her.

So, she lets her hands travel lower, and lower, until she’s met with his cock that strains against the material that covers it. He groans, cursing against her mouth as his hips stutter slightly, pulling away to look at her through half shut eyes. “You really are a sight for sore eyes, aren’t you Lexi Howard,” he mutters, running his thumb along her jaw, and making her blush.

She couldn’t imagine how she actually looked after the night she had, but, it didn’t matter right now, because he had looked at her like she had just spent three hours getting ready and put on a nice dress.

They both lock eyes for a moment, taking in one another, the sound of their laboured breath all that fills the air during the few seconds where all they do is stare, before they’re coming back together and helping one another with the rest of their clothes.

His two fingers slide in between her legs, rubbing into her as she throws her head back and moans. “Fez,” she murmurs, her mind elsewhere as she lets the feeling consume her, “please.”

Fez doesn’t waste anymore time, pushing her up onto the edge of the counter before she felt him enter her, a sharp gasp escaping them both at the same time. He takes his time to sink into her, but almost as soon as she finds her breath, he pulls out and begins to fuck her; hard.

The air in the room dissolves around them as Lexi’s mouth drops open, her hands blindly fumbling for something to brace herself against as he starts a relentless pace. “Is this what you wanted?” He asks her without letting up, pulling her closer so that she has practically no control in how he fucks her; bound to his will.

“Yes.”

“Like this?”

He angles himself deeper, a silent cry escaping her as a wave of pleasure washes over her, then another, and another. “Fuck, yes Fez,” she exclaims, trying her best to keep up with his pace by rolling her hips into him whenever she finds the strength to, something sparking in the pit of her stomach that has her looking down to realize he’s touch her—his thumb drawing harsh circles against her clit.

Her hips continue to smack against the rounded edge of the countertop, her legs wrapped around his body as he kisses her neck, her jaw, her fingernails digging into his shoulder blades as she finds herself getting closer to the edge.

She finds his name on her lips, something dutiful in how she repeats it, whispering it in his ear as her vision starts to blur and her breath starts to get caught in her words.

“That’s it,” she hears him say, “take it.”

Her chest heaves one last time before she goes rigid, a strangled sob escaping her as she clamps around his cock, and watches as he fucks her through it. “F-fuck,” she gasps, shuddering as she catches his piercing gaze, “oh my G-god.”

Fez groans as his hips stagger forward, his one hand reaching out to secure an iron hold on her hip before he begins to slam into her. His eyes go wide, and she watches in delight as she can see the moment where he lets go, his lips crashing into hers—his jaw slack as he kisses her through his high.

There’s a moment where they stay like that, a moment where all Lexi can feel is her heart and his body still pressed against hers, trembling as she tries to catch her breath.

She feels his hands fumble to hold her closer, their lips parting as he rests his forehead against hers. “You… you good? Was that good?” He finally asks her.

“Mhm;” she nods, “yea. That was good.”

There was probably more that should’ve been said, but instead of dwelling over any of it, he simply carries her to bed.

[idontlikeem]

i got some shit i gotta get out of my head or i am quite literally going to lose my fucking mind. this is disjoined and written stream-of-conscious; this is not a writing exercise that i went back to make sound pretty.

tw for references to cancer, unhealthy relationships, alcoholism.

ooookay so. so! so.

i've made a few references to stuff like this in the past, but:

my mom is dying of cancer and likely only has a few months left

i am getting divorced, and the divorce happened in an abrupt, cruel, traumatic fashion

so, that's the groundwork i'm working with rn.

i've been with my soon-to-be ex-husband for ten years. that's a decade. we got together right after college and have been together ever since.

yes, that means i'm old. sorry not sorry.

i have not been single since my early twenties. i have not lived alone for more than a year, when i was 22.

i am scared. i am lonely. i am devastated that the man i loved, who i thought loved me too, decided to blow up my life in such an unbelievably cruel fashion.

because, of course, he knows my mom is dying. he knows how bad it's getting.

it's interesting what hindsight shows you. i thought he was supportive. i thought he was doing his best to be there for me, he was just maybe a little misguided but his intentions were good.

i thought the different issues we had were uncontrollable, things i'd have to learn to live with.

he has ADHD so of course he'd never be able to remember to do chores without me reminding him over and over, of course he'd never see something that needed cleaning on his own and just do it, of course he'd say inappropriate things to me in front of my friends and family that are embarrassing; i just need to get over it, who cares?

his parents were dysfunctional growing up so of course he'd always scream at me when he was upset, of course he'd lunge at me as if he were going to attack me if i 'made him too mad'; i need to stop acting like it's a big deal.

he knows he has a drinking problem but he's working on it, so of course i should never, ever nag him or ask him to stop drinking, of course i should accept that he's going to hide cans and bottles from me (or try), of course i should just get over it when he's shitfaced and absolutely ruins events because he refuses to stop, of course i shouldn't ever ever say anything to him about the times he put his hands on me with violent intent while drunk because of course he didn't mean it; if i did, it would make him feel bad. it's my fault he drinks too much, of course.

of course.

he wanted to make some major changes to our life, none of which i consented to or at any point indicated or hinted that i wanted. when i said i was not interested in them, i was told i wasn't being flexible, and shouldn't i want to move anyway? after all, your mom is dying, don't you want to live near her? don't you care about your own mother? i care about my family, after all—why don't you?

be flexible. learn to compromise.

i've thought a lot about the concept of 'compromise' recently, and how frequently i, to keep the peace, allowed it to mean 'you get what you want and i don't get what i want, not even a little'. i was married, after all, and this was my husband—i was working to save our marriage. or at least that's what i thought.

it didn't matter. because the instant i refused to wholly give into him on something, and instead enforced a true compromise, i was suddenly: the worst, most inflexible person to deal with. you should hear the things my family is saying about you. you're making this trip so much harder and so unpleasant for everyone else. this isn't all about you. why won't you just cancel your plans? you need to do what i want instead.

i've spent 60% of this year alone. there were always reasons for him to disappear, to go away, and then be gone for months at a time. they were good reasons, plausible ones, but they just kept coming.

i got covid and he wouldn't come back to take care of me. i'm not saying i need that; plenty of people live alone and have covid. but i was married. i had a husband. that's part of what spouses do, they take care of each other. at least, that's what i signed up for.

it's what my dad is doing.

my mom is so sick. i've never seen a person this sick. it's terrifying. she's going to be dead sooner than i had mentally prepared myself for, and i'm not ready. there's been a lot of denial in how i've been handling this—maybe not denial, maybe hope that something she'd try treatment-wise would work. none of them are working.

my dad is by her side. he's retiring early so he can spend his time with her. it doesn't matter and it's not good enough and it's not what they deserve, but he's there.

what if you had gotten sick, my mom asked me when i was home visiting a few weeks ago, what if that breast biopsy you got done two years ago had come back positive for cancer? i've cried myself to sleep thinking about how that man would never take care of you, how it would be all about him. it's made me sick to think of how horrible he's been to you.

she's right. he wouldn't have been there for me, at least not how i needed. it would have been what he decided i needed, because of course how could anything he thinks is correct be wrong?

he didn't want me to get a lawyer, for the divorce. he thought that if he told me i didn't need one, i wouldn't get one, and he'd be able to steamroll over me just like he's done for years now, and i'd just fold in on myself and meekly agree to what he wanted. i'd be the shell i'd let him make of me, the little personality-less doll he thought i should be, and when i wasn't, when i didn't, he didn't understand.

and now? he's angry.

he's demanding i accommodate requests that i have no legal obligation to accommodate. you need to make this work, he says, with the implied threat being if you don't i'm going to hold the money i owe you over your head. as if what he's asking for doesn't involve other people. no, it's all about him, the main character of life! all the rest of us exist for is to accommodate his whims and wishes, and if we don't, he is allowed, encouraged even, to be rude, to be cruel, to be demanding.

i'm not a person to him. i'm certainly not a person you respect and treat as a whole, real individual. i'm an obstacle, an inconvenience.

when i see messages from him now my heart rate shoots up and my breathing accelerates. i get shaky and dizzy and panicky. in a sick way, it mimics the start of a relationship, when a message from that new person you're so excited about makes you anxious in a good way, nervous with anticipation.

what a sick parody this is.

i'll always care deeply about you, he said, this was the hardest thing i've ever had to do.

he couldn't even do it to my face. he ran to hide with mommy and daddy.

all because i wouldn't uproot my life to move back to where his parents live, because he's bored of this city i've made my home in.

all because i had the gall to expect him to pull his weight in our shared home, financially and via tasks.

all because i wanted to keep progressing with my life—buy a home, carve out a space of our own.

all because...well, there are some things i won't say. but no, weirdly enough the daily misery of being made to feel like someone's maid isn't sexy for me.

relationships end all the time. people fall in love and fall apart. but this? trying to hurt someone? being cruel just because?

i'm so tired.

[0ptemash]

Nations and more context Part 1

So I noticed in my last post I made mention of a lot of nations being wrecked by the Reawakening. This probably wouldn’t have a lot of meaning to people since they don’t have a visualisation of the nations in question. So I thought it would be a good idea to provide more context on them. I won’t go too in-depth with each, just a little overview that gives you an idea of their character. Please keep in mind that some are more polished than others, and each will probably get their own seperate posts that goes into more detail later on. Each entry won’t be very structured either. It’ll just be what I think is the most relevant information, and condensing it. I’ll provide a photo of my map with the nation in question circles in red so you get an idea of where exactly they’re located.

I’ve been feeling a bit tired/unmotivated lately, so this will only cover three of the nations, hence the part 1.

Shackled Kingdom

Located in the far south, many consider the Shackled Kingdom to be a savage nation, loosely ruled by a single individual known as an Unchained. The region is not for the faint of heart. Its inhabitants, the Li'nki, constantly hold gladiatorial matches against each other and numerous beasts of the desert, in order to “attune” themselves in an attempt to become an Unchained.

The Shackled Kingdom was once a lawless land, with individual clans of the Li'nki fighting amongst one another, over the harsh desert. That was until the time of Recerix, Breaker of Chains. Recerix claimed to have had a vision of Tiamat, a mighty god of the desert. Depicted in this dream, was an event taking place thousands of years ago, in which Tiamat issued a challenge to the proud Li'nki, to break free of their weaknesses and bonds, their "chains" as many devouts would go on to phrase it, and reach a state of purity, become "Unchained". Arrogantly, the Li'nki attempted to overcome this challenge, but were unable to meet it, falling to despair and ruin, they disjoined from each other into smaller clans.

Recerix sought to reunify the split tribes of his people. He believed in order to do this; he must meet Tiamat's challenge. First, Recerix killed his family, and severed any ties with his tribe and allies, believing them to be needless bonds. He banished himself to the desert, where he dwelled upon his many past sins and regrets, bared them before the might of the desert sun, until he believed he was absolved of them, through the sun burning them away. After ten years in that desert, he no longer was plagued by fatigue, hunger, or thirst, and no heat could scold him. He had become the legendary Unchained of legend. Then, he believed that there was only one thing for him to do. Slay Tiamat.

He searched the many dunes of his homeland for three years, before finding what he presumed to be the deity, a giant adult Gilannt, in the Blistering Rocks, seemingly awaiting his arrival. Armed with only a blade of sharpened bone, he fought the creature in a great battle, ended by him piercing the Gilannts heart, ending the beast's life. Though Recerix believed that his life's goals had been achieved, he soon saw the folly in this. The divine quest had been offered to his people as a whole, not just one individual to represent them. All the Li'nki must reach his state of being. So, he spread the tale of his exploits, of his newly acquired status, and of Tiamat's challenge, inspiring the people to meet it as he did. Recerix helped construct the Iron Arena from the skull of Tiamat, as he believed that through battle could one burn away most, if not all, of their bonds, their chains. His final act would be the construction of The Marrow, the top of which would be reserved for any future Unchained, and their attendants. The Li'nki had finally been unified, becoming the Shackled Kingdom, but their struggles were far from over.

Since then, the Li'nki have fought against one another in savage gladiatorial battles, in order to purify themselves and wash away any weaknesses. Many have used the Shackled Kingdoms arena as a breeding ground for warriors of their own, or simply captured Li'nki to serve in their army. But still it remains unconquerable, its people too fierce to be overcome, too preoccupied with finishing the quest started by Recerix.

Keraphaos

Keraphaos is a great expanse of jungles, forests and scrublands, similar to the ones in the Untamed Reaches, which makes it a popular spot to travel to, due to visitors witnessing exotic life without much risk of harm. It is inhabited by the Skerioph, a peaceful race, concerned only with the documentation of Karvouns fauna, history and cultures. 

After the Skerioph uncovered the lands above their underwater home, they argued with one another that such beauty must be kept alive, even if only in records. So they branched off from their landfall, the country that later become known as Keraphaos, and began to document the wondrous flora and fauna around them. Keraphaos wasn’t originally known as such by the Skerioph. They simply labelled the entirety of Karvoun, Keraphaos. In the beginning, Keraphaos acted as a hub for most of the Skeriophs' giant archives, almost as large as cities. These archives would be known as Tome Keeps, or simply Keeps. Their largest Keep, known as the Arch-Keep, was the first of these great constructs to be built. 

It is widely believed that the Skerioph have been to nearly every part of Karvoun, and explored it as early as 15,400 B.R.

After the slow but steady progress made by humans on constructing basic societies, they became more than just another file in the Skerioph’s archives. They offered their assistance to humans, in the form of their vast reservoirs of natural knowledge. Most, like Draconia and Galandium , refused this aid out of the pure pride of their leaders at the time. Areasl however were a different matter. They willingly and readily accepted the Skeriophs aid. Though it wasn’t so much their knowledge on flora and fauna they desired, but their knowledge in advanced technologies. The Skerioph readily assisted them, pleased to promote the growth of a species with such potential. This assistance in technologies and sciences would cause Areasl to take a more pragmatic turn culturally, causing religion to take a great decline, and lay the catalyst for Galandiums cutting off from them.

It was only during the Three Nations War, that the Skerioph established borders around as large area as they could manage, which essentially protected their Keeps from the brunt of the war. This was since the nations participating in the war, Areasl, Draconia, wished to maintain Keraphaos for their own goals. And Galandium was concerned that by invading Keraphaos, they would provoke a combined attack by both Areasl and Draconia. 

However, Galandium would eventually invade Keraphaos, sometime after the wars end. Galandiums leader at the time, Balor, was tired of his nations gradually fading superiority, and wished to investigate the Keraphaos’s Keeps in search of answers for his dilemma. They barred him entry into their nation of course, as they were at the time debating wether they wrong about the humans potential. Balor, unwell in the mind, entered the nation by force, and burnt down the Arch-Keep in a mad frenzy, in Ana event that would later be known among the Skerioph as the Desecration. 

A few decades after the Desecration, a large, possibly sentient automaton, known as Phyphear, would call the ruins of the Arch-Keep home, and is currently in the process of repairing it and repopulating its shelves with both ordinary human books and Skerioph records. 

Jeraspunt

Once located on its eastern coast, but due to the Reawakening it has broke off and has gradually drifted into the Glacier Sea. 

Jeraspunt had always been the victim of subzero temperatures and scarce resources, causing it to be dependent on the generosity of neighbouring nations. This situation has worsened after the Reawakening. The air has become more freezing than before, due to the cold climate of the Glacier Sea, and blizzards are more virulent and frequent. Now that they have been separated from other Nations, their people have grown to be more independent and crafty, hunting creatures they never would have before due to their lethality and relatively low amount of meat.

Before the Reawakening, Jeraspunt’s early history was dominated by them invading other countries, in particular Areasl and Galandim, using advanced longboats, and a drug made from a rare arctic flower that, when ingested, enables an individual to be sustained for weeks without needing food or drink. This was of course due to their lack of proper resources, or rather, the difficulty involved in acquiring them. After a century or two, they realised it was far easier to form alliances and friendships with these Nations to get supplies from them, rather than sacrificing hundreds of their people for small amounts of food that would last for a month at best. 

Jeraspunt has always been ruled by a single Empress. Such a leader is decided upon based on their supposed magical prowess, specifically in their ability to communicate with creatures via a form of telepathy. Spuntians claim this is so the Empress can communicate with a diabolical dragon, imprisoned in a gigantic structure of ice, and ensure it remains dormant. Though such a structure does exist in Jeraspunt, there are little to no records of such a beast residing in the formation. Nonetheless, a fortress taking the form of a wall or barrier as long as this structure is large, was built around it centuries ago, and even today remains manned. 

[gurleend287]

EDEN OF THE EAST (ep. 1-5)

There's a lot to discuss. This show takes on a more realistic approach to presenting the issues in our society today compared to the last few dark, dystopian ones.

The opening of the show was what first caught my eye. A statement appears in the graphics: "The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power." This is a famous quote from Shakespeare's play Julius Caesar. From my understanding, this means when a ruler takes their power for granted, the greatness of their visions vanishes into dust. It shows the toxic effect of power, which even the greatest individuals cannot resist. But then we also hear the phrase "noblesse oblige" every time a Selecao talks to the female on their mysterious cell phones (I later noticed that the phrase is also printed on the cell phone itself). Noblesse oblige refers to "the inferred responsibility of privileged people to act with generosity and nobility toward those less privileged" (Google). Both of these phrases, though in stark contrast with each point out that the privileged should use their power for good, however it is very easy to not. It is an obvious commentary on the abuse of power by governments, specifically oriented towards the US and Japan.

However, the show depicts that this power was given to 12 specifically chosen people to "save" Japan. Quite ambiguous, considering I know just as much as Takizawa. But considering this, I would like to talk about NEETS. NEET stands for not in education, employment, or training. Takizawa's great mystery is that he was housing several of them where he lived (the mall), however they're all missing now. We don't know if these individuals were killed or are still alive somewhere. Or so I thought, until he met that one guy who thanks him for leaving him in Dubai, stranded with one other person. As a former NEET, the circumstances allowed him to reenter society. So, I would like to take the optimistic viewpoint on this, and say that I believe these individuals may all still be alive and maybe even in a better condition now.

There's a strong social commentary on the youth of Japan in this series so far. That they must enter the workforce once graduating or they are uttered completely useless. Without any monetary value to your life, you cease to exist.

[libidomechanica]

Hermes her person, and more to

A limerick sequence

               1

Hermes her person, and more to beholding me, and blessings of them seuer.    Or ear of iron. But    when my abode. Many a lustful glance doth bind, but Homer!

               2

So on she as some great wall and love. Coffee and free from the dare to refer    to. You and I will    turn overtime, thou lurke, began, the most hideous spoyle.

               3

But tis twilight head wastes shadowes sauing made to appear? And blew up, and    aye? Know nor colour change,    ladies, if Fancie, drawn by the raging worth, and strong as things there.

               4

Well as when we known joy. From which much apples; and that he’ll ask no more    immortall move the congruities:    be her shrill true and when he was Suwarrow and how pearl.

               5

Spanning book. Our statue rose with accents do the Lady dear! Rest, I may    pass’d this daughters of the    whole things in a diadem, than hath bound. And often it on?

               6

You, O ye daughters of grape appeare then yron sooner heart, that sits behold    me up till qualified    by sage, but name be dark with my selfe with pompous roialty.

               7

By her three shirt before my toung would be done. So having, not be, but here    flew by hap. Who should ye    misdeeme of Lust must steele in love ourself the wall for shaken.

               8

Because my Julia, do but one, where forth the night when I ’d follow behind,    and faire. A man would    make thy to be at peace molest. As your shore, the sound favour.

               9

And in our wall. Glide, gentle spright, and vows they ne dark shore, they are bushy,    and others beautie best how    I feel. ’St thy love’s the came to the princes tried to come, roots.

               10

’ And Florian, my sin. And seeing ironic about touch the griefe with    Florian said One who    have venge things toward thou be kinfolks twain, and more, are you and I.

               11

To the lever was Danae in a token of a Celestiall hew. In    sentiment, a gloom, i noticed    a compassed us doth apples: for honeysuckle.

               12

And borderers, disjoined us. ’Ve dark. The Doctors, elegies    and then both day and formal    purity. Clad her, and Sea do know how to ruin all!

               13

Yet in his beauty I throw mildly rebuked his describes each Gazettes;    but mad Leander’s look. Why    should I not lyfe and release. Convention possibly quilty.

               14

(For with your ideal, for to auenge here. On the timbrel ring wheele that blurt    of her, so you might trace    to Jove. Guest to couetize, there we send, or tell me gentler day!

               15

May to a long the long ere thy beloved, that I was a sort of beauty    is the way thee? Too    daring her eye. On purpose noble Peres of truth: shadow?

               16

And a faltering Triton sounds appeased? Sunk chilly on the little head,    taking its splendour. That    business is my loue, with Cupid’s myrtles you distills before.

               17

I was for men! A penny formed, and liberate human swain. I drop o’    diamond is imprisoner    led astray. Doth much increasing is in a landing eye?

               18

With pain—surely thought shall were jacks and dy before like morning beam had spreading    over his desires    of Yazd; and I not perfume! See how many being cake.

               19

A generals! In leavest thou saw the last brought you love resisted of, but    drosse vncleane: her hard her yield    for kissed against her, but giver, who made are as a raven.

               20

And sobbed with my added greatnesse doth much I know no end of love. The thin-    lipped his vnflatt’ring guiltlesse,    and play with joy; you were but pleased from of the works running sea.

               21

And then dare to hell relicks to his, wha could lead his purchased behind. Her    uterus an uncrossable    hours such eyelids screens flicker with forth the dawn of fire.

               22

To enter by the high talents of Kedar, as these? My eye I kept they    treasure guidance melts, should    be foremost ornaments, with twincle of her life-begetting.

               23

Therein more joys than in this; my lovers know. Is swifter to o’er-arch all    mark you not influence    beares, while upon my knee. I shall be gladly you a stone.

               24

But half this sacrifise, round, nor to the tender; nor mone, though here at my    zone unmanned me: thy tride.    Love upon sockets of clergymen hated learn what is ill.

               25

Which light, and in questions meet, and rave, but Juliana’s name of blisse. Do not    my soul loveth, whether    and quite, and thus he camp was begotten at last to pleasure?

               26

She lay; surely that Psyche, take him: Gentle stormie face, struck out you—you go.    But you see the Water    of camphire visage her song, as he that mercy took the goods.

               27

Mother a hollow swift to see all that is sair, they also have kissable    hurts are like a salmon,    stript to her woe began to fall. In mounds of Engedi.

               28

And none can be said: twas thy beautiful warriour which my plaint. Of moss looks    were the hill-side—and    cruelty doth chain, to what are you to see the loveliness.

               29

And the which leads men say, that and rules by brutish friends, and of pomegranates    budded. The which    I haue found then towards accountenance, into a confined doom.

               30

’St thy love’s eye be them? Come, your beauties, that like a rising sun; for if    I might between us    both and in three time, I lykewize. Since your selfe-chosen snare.

               31

A concordance or a bell-wether women use but pricketh nere; sweet youth:    for the let not for your    belles and more, my dove, my undefiles. We were every way.

               32

Goodly Idoll of like Carmel, and calling. He control, supposeth, the    sun’s meridian splendour.    Nor though I am but all abide, the graunt, the lowest.

               33

To part of gold on grammar, these hall. Or ever do inuite to have comes    you not to do but her    who is this way: but Angels her the worms the walls like a maid?

               34

I was desolate and its crown, what a child with doe praise beside. That goeth    down dear, let us lodge    in true torment feed. Is of mine, and crush her in equal share.

               35

The longer wind on glass, in humbled a still perseuer; nor mould the river’s    face, by only now I    language rather thrall, the planet. Of former lives in the march!

               36

With affrighted ha’, to the bay. Likewise on so holy seas: the lowest:    meanes at the bright    so he said, we are not hence with thenceforth to hang: but one, sleep.

               37

Then of some sails were all you like a snail, learning: then shall regard for that:    some from her can compast    counted up, for me! But still he pleasing in dark shore to-day.

               38

Haste the leavest thou hast but dross, and I not perfume descried. It felt the    highly disobayes, yet    am I, whereof may flower, all family at high degree.

               39

It stand am beating on her most. My sister at then to dawn was not    nap or like an hear him    not. Their glory seemeth vayne when he sailing? Innocent pass.

               40

In the runs heard us? To that bondage earst with greatest grief, thought on earth    as kiss. Presaging to    take defence of folk maun dare not. This never did this to kill?

               41

Upon his mine’—why am I as the pleasant fruit would kindle drop the    sound all them were widow’s    heart bastard. When glide, out of the year; the Head of privilege.

               42

It’s nothing in deep enraged, come to trust, may see. Were neglected. What me    too bold aspire. Hew, all    out without at the purest what, but this blessing thus beseech.

               43

There between, above, be fair. Thou were gone, with Cupid for a brook to couetize,    if Rubies, which was    to several English, Faith Sulayman spoke—Though I feel now.

               44

Not at all the same. Laid it blasting, put him, but a shadow of no Son.    Love itself corrupting,    desolate, that thou would know these close heauenly madnes, the price.

               45

Most earnes, hir teeth behind thy innocence breed: they ’ve only one    lordlier that we, one shore,    the lawns, of tempest to yours? Shame it is trying there were attyre.

               46

’Re writing by, sail and the dimensions of Satanic power and a    hillock down her forehead    cradle shone little dry old carrots, into a Lover wrath.

               47

This nigh, but do not giggle, and fly them still from those two are skild, that dead,    but speech to see ye doe    I die, as now a shepherds’ tents. In other acceptation.