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nescaveckwriter · 3 months

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Just One More🌟

Line: Please be quiet, I haven't had enough coffee yet, to deal with this 😱 will be in bold

A/N: YAY! Yet another one done for @jacklesversebingo 🐞 ... I heard the song from 'Little big town' and it was just too perfect, I had this idea, and well it ran away with me . 💕 I sure do hope y'all enjoy this ...💕

Warnings: 18+ Only! Some language🫣, angst,😱 heartbreak,🥺smut.🥵

Characters: Beau Arlen x Female Reader.

Cover: Created by me. Also images from Pinterest and Canva.

Words:2464 😅

The smell of freshly brewed coffee, fills the air, the brownish - gold liquid getting poured into the white cup, stirring in a few drops of milk, as the mug touches your lips, the liquid warms the inside of your mouth, the bold, bitter taste awakening all your senses, almost swirling around the liquid before swallowing, squeezing your eyes shut, trying to hold out reality a little longer, rubbing your fingers over the printed logo, 'M...R...S' a smirk, on your lips, regretting that you took the mug of the set of two 'Mr. & Mrs.' mugs, gold lettering, like the wedding bands, you were so excited the day you picked it up from the little décor shop, on your honeymoon, looking back now, it seems like a lifetime ago. The footsteps, coming from the guest bedroom, let's your eyes flung open, revealing the half-open boxes stacked everywhere.

The deep Texan, in his voice, almost echoing through the half packed up house, "Morning" he clears his throat "Uhmm, how do we..." Before he could finish his sentence, you look at him, your eyes throwing darts at his green-hazel eyes. "Please be quiet, I haven't had enough coffee yet, to deal with this"

A little sarcastic giggle escapes his lips, "oh yeah! Well we'll have to deal with this sometime"

You get up out the chair, standing straight up, but your husband, well soon to be ex-husband still towering over you, revealing how much smaller you are than him. "I said, I don't want to deal with this right now, can't I just have one last quiet morning in our... Uhmm in this house"

Irritation evident in his voice "listen, I just want this to be over so that we can go on with our lives"

"Well so sorry, I'm taking so much time, to just pack everything up and throw away the life we built" you hissed

"Excuse me! We both made the decision to get a divorce"

You voice barely audible "yeah I know" swallowing the emotion in your voice "I just got back from my shift at the hospital and I just need to freshen up first, then I will help sorting through the stuff okay"

His voice soft, "how was your shift?"

As you put the coffee mug in the kitchen sink you whisper "it was okay, we lost a patient today, bad car accident"

His eyes saddened as he knows how much it affects you "I'm so sorry darl..." He stops himself before finishing his sentence.

You just walk away, towards your once shared bedroom, knowing he most probably wanted to say darling, the little pet name he always used for you.

As you get into the shower, letting the hot water run over you, you let go of the hold on the floodgates behind your eyes, sobbing frantically now, holding your hand over your mouth, so that you can dampen the noises, your body shaking, as your mind drift, to the events of the past few weeks, you and Beau both agreed to get a divorce, the two of you got so busy with every day life, that the two of you started to drift further and further away, its so ironic the same jobs that brought the two off you together, is also tearing you apart.

The two of you met, while he came in, with a knife wound to his arm, and as you treated him, well it was love at first sight so too say. As you fall down, cradling your knees as the water runs over you, recalling the years you've been together, you always thought getting a divorce at your age won't happen, but well your here now. The thing that breaks you, is no-one cheated, the two of you just fought all the damn time, and him being Sheriff and you being a ER doctor, working mostly night shifts, you were living past each other, when you got home, he's leaving for work, and when he gets back home, your leaving for your shift.

You can't even recall the last time you two kissed, never less touched. You were so in love, so passionate and now all that has gone too hell. Getting up, and stepping out of the shower, opting out for a pair of your favorite worn out jeans, with a old t-shirt, not realizing it's one of his shirts, but hey, it's already on you, so what the heck. Throwing your hair into a messy bun, you don't real seem to care how homeless you look as your heart already feel homeless.

Glancing through your bedroom, everywhere boxes labeled his and hers, as you two are going to put your house up for rent and then split the profits between the two off you. As you take the bottle of perfume, spritzing it in the nape of your neck and some on your wrist, a small smile forms on your lips as you remember, Beau gave it to you for your birthday last year, he always did take such notice in the smallest of details. But that memory crumbles quickly as you see the stack of divorce documents, on your dresser, both of you agreed to sign it when you where done sorting everything in the house.

You rush down the stairs, furious and determined to get this over and done with, unsure of how much your heart can handle. Peeking through the living room, you don't see him anywhere, then you catch a glimpse of his brownish hair getting tossed in the wind as he sits on the porch with a cup of coffee, you always did like the way the moonlight danced in his eyes, the way the little garden lights revealed his freckles, oh damn you love his small freckles, that stained his cheeks and his nose, and not too even talk about his perfectly kissable lips. What the hell is wrong with you, your about to divorce that man. You just turn around and walk towards the living room, starting to sort through some stuff.

Getting up out of the wooden chair, holding the mug in his hand, his rough calloused fingers running over the lettering 'M...R' , his eyes squinting as he recalls the day you got that, on your honeymoon.. well that and books, both off you liked too read, but well there weren't much reading done those two weeks, he was too busy exploring every single part of your body. As he peeks into the house, seeing the way your kneeling, looking through what seems to be picture albums, he can't help but to admire the way your body fills out his shirt, the way you've got your hair up with loose strings off hair, framing your beautiful face and neck, a smile tugging at his lips, as he recalls how ticklish you were as he placed loving kisses, sending shivers down your spine. The sound of you giggling always made him feel alive, you made him feel alive, made him feel whole and now, well now his left with a hole in his heart.

Dammit what's the matter with him, his about to divorce that woman, how can he feel this way, is it just the memories, of your shared home, your shared love, why did all of these feelings have to rush back, how is he suppose to just simply act like he wants this, because he sure as hell does not want too loose you, but he loves you too damn much to not give you what you want, a chance too be happy again. So he'll go through with the divorce, knowing both of you said that's what needed to be done, so he just wants this over and done with, he can't stand being in your presence and not kiss you, not hold you, not tell you how much he loves you.

Spending the rest of the hours in an awkward silence, as the two of you sort through the memories that was build. But it's you who breaks the silence, kicking a empty box on the ground "it's 2 in the morning, I'm going to bed"

He's not really sure why he was so irritated by your comment but he started snapping at you "what? we should finish this, now"

Your jaw drops, you roll your eyes "excuse me! I'm tired" you bite your lower lip, but then decide to say it anyway "I'm tired of pretending that it's fine being in the same room as you"

A smirk on his plum lips "oh, its that bad being around me?"

Crossing your arms in front of you "you said it, I didn't"

Shaking his head "Woman you are driving me crazy"

"Oh yeah! Well you are driving me insane" you snap back

He strides closer towards you, his deep husky voice "is that the best you can come up with"

Throwing your arms up in the air "why do you want to make me angry" her voice brittle "is this what you want, me breaking down in front off you"

For a few seconds there was a softness in his eyes, but then his jaw hardens again "you have no idea what I want woman"

Enraged now "just leave it, all of this take what you want and give the rest away, I don't give a damn anymore, I'm done, with this, with you, with us, with everything"

He can't help but to examine the way your lips move, when you scream at him, he always did find you very sexy, as you were furious, going on about something, the way your whole body moves as your anger took over you, the way your hips swayed, when you'd explain what he did wrong, but by then you've lost him, he was too busy inspecting every little nose crinkle, every movement you made. Without any warning he cups your face, his lips crashes against yours. When he finally pulls away, both off you trying to catch your breath. For a few seconds you just stood there, your voice breathy "we... we can't do this" you turn around, but he grabs ahold of you, holding you in his arms, your back against his chest, his hot breath by your ear as he whispers "darling, tell me you don't want me, and I'll let you go" it send shivers down your spine.

Merely a whisper that escapes your lips, "kiss me Beau, as if you never stopped loving me" as his fingers trail down your neck, raking the loose hair away, through the kisses he places down your neck, to your collarbone, his fingers sliding the t-shirt over your shoulder, his lips, trailing against your skin, a low roar escapes his lips "I never did stop loving you darling"

Those words coming from him, makes you turn around, looking up towards his eyes, searching those hazel-green orbs, for any indication, how he truly feels. Placing your hand on his cheek, feeling the stubble of his beard underneath your touch, you know you're probably going to regret this in the morning, but your fingers trace down to his lips, as if you want to take in this work of art. Standing on your tippy toes, leaning in so that you can taste his lips, just one more time.

He claims your lips, as if he was starving, your tongues doing a passionate dance, his right hand holding the back of your neck, and his left hand holds on to your lower back, as he pulls you in even closer, not breaking the kiss once, your hands raking through his hair, as you want him closer, closer than ever before. He pushes you against the wall, tugging at the hem of your shirt, helping him to remove the clothing, through the kisses, and heartbeats racing, his hand roams your body, picking you up as you wrap your legs around his waist, but as he makes his way towards the couch, not breaking the kiss, he knocks over a stack of boxes, making him stumble and come to a fall, you lay on top off him, both of you laughing so hard it echoes through the house, its the first time in a long time that this house have heard so much laughter, he pulls you in for yet another kiss, and as you two lay there on the floor in front of the fire place, exploring each other as if its for the first time, not saying much, just sweet little moans, and whimpers escapes your lips, as your bodies does the talking for you. Not really sure, when but sometime during the early morning hours, both of you have fallen asleep, entangled, skin on skin, wrapped in each other's love.

You've woken up, by his calloused fingers running up and down your back, your head on his chest, slightly lifting your eyes too study his face, his glancing up towards the ceiling, a smile on his lips, his eyes almost sparkling, as he realizes your awake, he looks down at you, placing a kiss on your forehead, "Morning Darling" you smile as you sweet voice greets him "Morning babe"

He starts laughing a little "so last night happened" you mockingly hit his chest, "Not funny, were supposed to get a divorce"

He looks at you, eyes filled with love "about that! I don't want to divorce you, I want to be your husband, forever like we vowed"

Stunned "what! I thought you wanted this"

"No, somewhere during yesterday I realized, I still love, you. No! that's a lie, I never did stop loving you"

A smile forming your lips "Neither did I, I was so frustrated, I wanted you, this , us our house, but I was too afraid to say it."

Sitting upright now, taking you hands in his "Darling, that's what I want, I want us too, we can work it out, we can get through this can't we?"

Pulling the throw, a little tighter over your body, as the crisp morning air, makes you shiver a bit. "Babe I think we can, we should just make time for each other."

Nodding his head, making his longer brownish hair fall in front of his eyes, a smile forming on his plum lips, revealing the age lines around his eyes, "Yes my sweet darling, I agree, but what do you say we tear up those divorce papers, and give the two of us just one more try"

A laugh escapes your lips "Yes, a million times yes. I love you"

Leaning down to place a kiss on your lips, this time, gentle little kisses as, he whispers through the kisses I.... Love... You... Too... Darling"

You can't help but too smile through the kisses knowing your heart aren't homeless no more, your home in your husbands arms. As the two of you come up for some air, you glance at the boxes stacked everywhere, half of the house is packed up, you smile at your husband, "babe, we just have to do one more thing!"

Confused he looks at your beautiful face, "Yes my darling, and will that be."

Laughing now, "we are going too spend over off weekend unpacking and moving back into our home"

A mischievous grin on his face "Please be quiet, I haven't had enough coffee yet, to deal with this"

The two of you burst into laughter, taking in each other, knowing there's a lot of work to do, not just the unpacking but the rebuilding of your lives together. But with your husbands hand interlacing yours, you know that it's possible, anything is possible, with the person you love the most, by your side, ready to fight for your marriage and content in knowing you love each other, you sat there with your head resting on his chest, as you watch the fire place , the way the flames dances in a fiery passion after it's ignited, brings you nope, knowing, just one more try is all you need.

#jacklesversebingo23 #beau arlen #spotify #fan fiction #nescaveckwriter #just one more

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swordcreature · 6 months

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How do you think our tiefling boys would react to our world if they somehow ended up here?

i always find these so cute, but in my head i'm thinking "they would be terrified and ready to stab someone because they are in a strange world where they can't understand anyone" lol

so to make things easier and cuter let's pretend that

1. there are no language barriers

2. no one is trying to kill them/no one's freaking out because they look like devils

3. they're somewhat aware enough of what's happening to not be scared shitless or severely confused

4. they know they're going back home at some point (i would be acting SO different if i thought i was gonna live in a different world forever vs just visiting lmao)

ty for the request you're the best!

Dammon, Rolan, & Zevlor - A Part of Our World

How the tiefling boys react to coming to our world

Dammon:

He’s amazed by the advancements we’ve made, slack-jawed at how we’ve managed to bend metal to form buildings that climb so high he can’t see the top, at how we’ve made metal fly without so much as a single spell, at how we’re able to make metal into machines so big they can move the earth itself.

It’s overwhelming at first and he has so many questions. How does this work? What type of metal is that? What does this do? It never stops.

But every answer is met with true awe. Dammon loves smithing, loves infernal machinery, and he’s been suddenly transported to a world built around his craft, of course he is inspired.

He’s the most open-minded of the tieflings when it comes to a new experience. And just like the Hells, even though this place is foreign, unfamiliar, frightening, he’s eager to learn something from it.

Dammon takes notes on everything he possibly can, sketching out little pictures of the world around him to bring back home.

I could see him being a bit of a terror just because he breaks everything around him trying to figure out how it works, what makes it tick, so to speak. I mean, how could he truly understand the inner workings of, say, a car without taking it apart piece by piece until he has it down to its bare bones.

Overall, I think he comes back home with so many good stories to tell of all the fantastical things he’s seen, all of the new ideas he has, and a renewed purpose in his work.

Rolan:

Rolan absolutely hates our world. It’s just not made for a guy like him.

I mean, first off: no magic. His life revolves around magic, it’s an integral part of him. Without it he feels empty and strange, so this world feels very wrong to him. Imagine being connected to the Weave for years and then suddenly having it stripped away. Completely gone. I would think it would feel disorienting at best.

He finds some interest in speaking to people of this world who practice magic, but it is so entirely different than his own that they're practically talking about two different things. He expected a more tangible magic like the Weave and is disappointed when he learns it’s so vastly incomparable.

Second: the people. There are so many people here. Pretty much anywhere he goes, the population would be bigger and denser than anything he’s used to. And it’s not like he’s a people person. Not to mention the way humans tend to treat outsiders.

Despite his absolute discomfort in our world, Rolan is determined to write down everything he can of his experience. Not many mortals from his world get to experience traveling the universes, so cataloging his journey is a must.

He’ll write a book once he’s home, and it’ll make a big splash in the academic community, he just knows it!

When he does leave our world for his own, he’s relieved. In his book he makes it sound like this magical wonderland of things beyond most people’s comprehension, but to those close to him he tells them the truth. He was not a fan.

Zevlor:

Zevlor is apprehensive at first. This world is strange – he does not know the customs at all. But he's eager to learn.

He spends his time amongst the people more so than the other two. He is so curious about the traditions of the land, the history of the world, and hearing it from the mouths of the locals is better than getting his hands on any book.

He immerses himself in the cultures he comes across as much as possible; he eats our food and sings our songs and actually has a really good time with it.

I think he finds special interest in the history of combat, how our conflicts have changed throughout time. How did we go from swinging swords and shooting arrows to battling wars from across the world?

Zevlor also tries to teach people of our world about where he comes from. He tells stories from his days as a Hellrider to anyone who will listen and even tries to cook some traditional Elturian food, but it’s hard to do so without the same ingredients.

Overall, he’s more interested in the shared knowledge of culture and information between our world and his. It brings him comfort finding similarities between such different worlds.

When he finally can go back home, he shares his stories with the children first, spinning them tales of the people he met and the things he did. How even in such a foreign place there were still nice people willing to help and to share and to be a friend.

Zevlor is the one who wishes to come back the most.

#bg3 #bg3 dammon #bg3 rolan #bg3 zevlor #dammon #rolan #zevlor #baldur's gate 3 #my writing #requests/suggestions #dragomermacorn #HCs

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sixteen-juniper · 1 month

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killing your darlings and all of that

I saw a post on here about what the writing advice 'kill your darlings' means. it made me really think about the book I'm working on currently and how that phrase relates to this project. (the reason my fic/all my fics are on hiatus) And also kind of like how I think about revising a manuscript in general and all the things I've learned since I started writing books. (and yes this is why my fic is on hiatus, gotta grind!)

I've always been a novelist first, I guess, like I came up through traditional publishing and creating my own works/worlds. Which, this all taught me a lot about writing and rejection and how to just keep going. I am still a novelist, obviously, writing fanfic was something I came to much later (with Rose and Rot) and I know even after I'm with fanfic I'll always be a novelist. I don't think I can stop the itch for writing books, making my own worlds and characters from the ground up even if I tried. I love the way a book is like a puzzle and painting at the same time.

Back to the point at hand, which is the idea of kill your darlings, and how sometimes in order for you to make a book be what it's supposed to you have to literally kill so many things. I'm working on this massive overhaul of my current manuscript right now and by massive I mean I have literally rewritten 98% of this book. And it's not only rewriting all of the scenes to adjust language or fix character motivation, it's a full scale pulling everything out and putting it back together, in a way I haven't done since maybe my first queried book. And even that book didn't go far enough, I should have changed more.

I had already thought I'd removed enough from this book. Earlier feedback had the first act feeling overstuffed and the world underbuilt. I killed two characters and two plotlines. And I thought I built out the world, but it was being made in the wrong direction. And even that didn't go far enough.

So here I am at draft 6. And if this is a house, I've removed the walls and plumbing, because just rearranging the furniture hasn't done enough.

With this one draft it's been really fascinating to me because the SHAPE of the book has remained the same. The story I want to tell about my main character remains that story, and her internal journey remains the same, but a lot of how I get there has completely changed. I don't want to get into details, but it's like I've taken my camera and decided to focus its lens on parts of the story that were only mentioned in passing, blow them up, make them bigger parts of the whole, while removing almost everything that had been in earlier drafts.

I didn't do this on my own, to be clear. I sent this book to a trusted person in publishing, believing that it was literally done and ready to go out. Their feedback was 'this feels like a first draft' even though it was literally my fifth draft. And the feedback I got and what resonated with them was really surprising. What I learned about this book was that it is literally impossible to have both a cozy cottagecore fantasy AND a dark and creepy story where your main character eventually learns to accept her necromancy. It doesn't work, and if it does I am the wrong writer to make it work. I was told to play into my strengths, and those strengths are dark and sad.

Which is why I had to remove so much and change so much. I can't even lie some of those changes HURT. I lost a character (her little fox familiar) that I loved because he didn't add to the story at all. And including him just made the pacing lag. The character added nothing and worse detracted from what I was trying to do. A key scene at the end, I swear my favorite scene in this entire project, had to go because it simply didn't fit. The pacing, the world, the events leading up to this scene no longer supported it being included. And yeah, it sucks. I haven't even gotten to the ending which will also need to be streamlined, but the book is stronger for all of these changes. I really believe it. I love this project and everything it's become even more on the 6th draft than I did on the 5th or the 2nd or the 1st.

Gonna wrap this up! Because it's already too long! I was never this wordy until I started writing on here. Moral of the story! Sometimes you really need to be brave and commit to just letting go of what you thought your story was in order to make it what it needs to be. Which for me is legit terrifying, because I'm such a hoarder, but it's the right thing to do!

#writing #i guess #process #my process #revising things #not fanfic related but not not fanfic related #i love writing books 🤪#actually I really do love my books #the god of my own little world

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nicnacsnonsense · 11 months

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I'm thinking about Ed at the beginning of episode 7 and how he was getting ready to leave. I'm imagining that maybe the night before he tried making one last pass at Stede, one last try to see if Stede was interested, but still nothing. And Ed is being so blatant now, even more so than he had been with the "Run me through" thing and yet still no response from Stede. And Ed thinks that Stede can't possibly be this oblivious, he must be ignoring it on purpose as a way of letting Ed down gently. So Ed gives a subtle "message received" and starts thinking about leaving.

Ed's words the next morning make so much sense and hold so much weight in this context. " Prepare for the next adventure... I can't stay around here forever. Besides, a ship has only one captain." Ed got rejected last night and so now he's making plans to move on.

Stede's response (after a brief interruption from Roach) seems clear too. "Hey, listen, don't feel as though you need to rush out on my account. I mean, we're all enjoying your company here." He's letting Ed know that just because he rejected him that doesn't mean he's running him off. He's not going to make Ed leave or kick him out of the friend group.

This leads to Ed's last response of this interaction. "Mate, I know, I know. Me too. Uh, just, you know, I've stayed longer than I figured I would, and I just wasn't built for sitting idle, man." This is a polite fiction they're sharing in, an excuse for Ed to leave and get the space he needs without making Stede out to be the bad guy or forcing Ed to make himself vulnerable by admitting how much the rejection hurt him.

Stop. Rewind. The night before, Ed expressed his interest in Stede in a way that was very blatant IF you speak queer-coded gay subtext. Stede does not speak that language; he's never had the chance to learn before. He wasn't rejecting Ed, because he had no idea anything was on offer. So to him, Ed's plans to leave come out of nowhere, and the only explanation he has is the "only on captain" comment, immediately reinforced by Roach being confused as to which of them is captain.

This is what Stede is actually speaking to. Don't rush off on my account is him expressing that he, as the other captain in this two captain situation, is not bothered by it at all. And he reassures Ed the crew is fine with it too. There's no reason Ed has to leave.

Stede recognizes Ed response as a polite lie. Of course he does; you think Stede hasn't been subjected to hundreds, thousands, of polite dismissals in his life. Stede is too much, not enough, too soft, so weird, so boring. And to get brushed off by Ed, Stede's first friend, the one person that he thought understood him, that's devastating.

Stede has to keep Ed as a friend, so he does the only thing he can think to do: Be Better. It's never worked before, but it has to work this time, so it will. Stede will Be Better.

He finds the treasure map, excited to bring Ed the next adventure he was going to go out searching for. But Ed is still brushing him off, pretending that the map isn't real (of course it's real! its got tatty edges!) saying he wants to take a nap. Which fine, if Ed wants to keep throwing all these polite excuses at Stede, then Stede is going to use them against him. Ed said there can only be one captain? Fine, then Stede is the captain and he's going to make Ed come with him on this adventure to fix their friendship and prove that Stede can Be Better.

Except, stop, wait. Ed is not giving Stede the brush off. Remember, to Ed, Stede reject him last night and now Ed is expressing the desire for a little space. And even if he's not willing to say outright that he was hurt by the rejection, in expressing the desire at all, he is implying it. And now Stede is ignoring Ed's request for space and throwing Ed's own vulnerability back in his face to force him to come along. What an unbelievable asshole move.

Ed is pissed now, of course. He's being forced to spend time with someone who just rejected him to do something he wasn't interested in doing at all, and he didn't even get lunch! So he's pissy, but it's because Stede is being dick, so he doesn't care who knows it.

And then Lucius calls Ed a dick. And suddenly the whole situation gets flipped. Stede put this day together for Ed, presumably because he took Ed's comments about the next adventure and sitting idle as a serious expression of desire, and tried to deliver on that. Does Stede actually return Ed's feelings after all? Does it matter? Stede is Ed's friend who deeply cares about him, and that is a relationship worth preserving.

Meanwhile poor Stede is at the end of his rope. He tried to Be Better, and once again he failed. He always fails. Except now suddenly Ed has changed his mind. Does Stede know why Ed flipped scripts out of nowhere? Again, does it matter? Ed is here now, putting in the effort to engage with Stede and cheer him up. He's Stede's friend again; everything is going right again.

The day ends well enough that Stede is willing to reach out once more that evening. It is perhaps part apology for using Ed's words against him earlier that day, part offer, and part request. "I don't know if I, well agree that a ship can only have one captain."

Ed hears the offer clearly this time, and makes one of his own, "Yes, well, I suppose if you found the absolutely two perfect people, then they could potentially…"

And then, finally, after a long day of hurt and talking past each other, now together, in every sense, they say,

Co-captain.

#ofmd #stede bonnet #edward teach #gentlebeard #blackbonnet

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92jinnie · 2 years

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𝐇𝐎𝐖 𝐓𝐎 𝐁𝐄 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐕𝐎𝐈𝐃 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐄 - 𝐚 𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐬𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐈 𝐀𝐌 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐞

I felt like making this post because the void has been complicated way too much and it's starting to feel very toxic, seeing the same information in different language and use of grammar basically the same gates every where and hence why I feel beginners are too lost and can't seem to achieve being in that state. So here I will try to make the method that I have written as much different and simple as possible. This might come out as something useless for others but from my past experience when I too was lost and kept hearing the same thing wondering what the hell is not right? There came a point where I felt the life that I have created belongs to me and I have imagined myself living it so I'm putting a stop to the old stories and finally getting what is mine, I completely flushed out every other information that I have ever known about the void and just focused on the part where I knew the void is me, It's not a state to be achieved. Its a feeling. A feeling of space, a feeling of being relaxed. A feeling of positiveness. This could be a bare minimum but anyways here we are.

-•- What is the void state ?

↭𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐕𝐎𝐈𝐃 𝐈𝐒 𝒀𝑶𝑼

↭𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐕𝐎𝐈𝐃 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐄 𝐈𝐒 𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐃 𝐀 𝐌𝐄𝐃𝐈𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐄 𝐁𝐄𝐂𝐀𝐔𝐒𝐄 𝐈𝐓𝐒 𝐀 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐈𝐒 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍 𝒀𝑶𝑼 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐇𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐖𝐇𝐘 𝐖𝐄 𝐀𝐋𝐒𝐎 𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐈𝐓 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐈 𝐀𝐌 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐄

{ from now this is all you know about the void state and what it is }

-•- How to be in that state ?

↭𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐁 𝐀 𝐏𝐎𝐒𝐈𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐌𝐀𝐊𝐄𝐒 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋 𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐗𝐄𝐃 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐀𝐁𝐋𝐄

↭𝐂𝐋𝐎𝐒𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐄𝐘𝐄𝐒 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐂𝐔𝐒 𝐎𝐍 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐁𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆, 𝐈𝐍𝐇𝐀𝐋𝐄 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐄𝐗𝐇𝐀𝐋𝐄. 𝐋𝐄𝐓 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐒 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐀 𝐖𝐇𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐊𝐄𝐄𝐏 𝐅𝐎𝐂𝐔𝐒 𝐎𝐍 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐁𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐔𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐋 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅 𝐍𝐎 𝐋𝐎𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐎𝐅 𝐒𝐎𝐌𝐄𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐒𝐏𝐄𝐂𝐈𝐅𝐈𝐂, 𝐈𝐅 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐀𝐑𝐄 𝐆𝐄𝐓𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐁𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐅𝐎𝐂𝐔𝐒 𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐎 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐁𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆.

↭𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐊 𝐎𝐅 𝐀𝐍 𝐄𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐘 𝐒𝐏𝐀𝐂𝐄 𝐈𝐍 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐘 𝐁𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐄𝐓 𝐈𝐓 𝐄𝐗𝐏𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐁𝐋𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒 𝐂𝐋𝐎𝐔𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐃

↭𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐗𝐄𝐃, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐉𝐎𝐘 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐗𝐄𝐃 𝐏𝐄𝐄𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐈𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐈𝐒 𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐇𝐀𝐕𝐄 𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐈 𝐀𝐌 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐄 𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄 𝐎𝐅 𝐘𝐎𝐔

From what you read till now these are the basic steps of meditation right? And what do you know about the void? That it's a meditative state. Such a plain and basic information. Way too easy right?

Practice this for atleast 2-3 days in the morning and you will catch a habit of it

This was what helped me successfully enter the state, and I realised because of all the same information i consumed over and over again which imbalanced my thoughts about the void I needed to simply just clean up all the unnecessary information and know the basic of basic, when things are not overcomplicated it's way easier, and yes this is all what the void state is. It's not something that you have been keeping on the pedestal or something very powerful that you cried and begged to enter for months or so in the past, when I told you the void is as easy as breathing THIS is what I meant. I genuinely hope that this post helps as effectively to all the people struggling out there as much as it did to me I hope it changes your perspective of seeing the void from now that it's not something you need to get and work supposedly hard for the void is absolutely nothingness and it is also nothing in general at all okay? YOU are the key to that state and its built because of YOU

#the void state #manifestation #i am state #loassumption #neville goddard #void state #void motivation #get your act together #meditation

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mischivana · 5 months

Note

Hi, I know that you are new but can you do prompt #2 when Jason Grace say this to the reader to confessed his love. SORRY ENGLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE

I Think I Might Be Falling in Love With You

Jason Grace x Fem!Reader

Masterlist

Authors Note: hiiiii sorry this took so long!!! holidays have been hectic and I haven't had anytime at all to do anything. Semester finals are also next week so any other request will also be delayed until then so please be patient, I'll try to get things written asap!!

Jason Grace was a confusing person. Despite the fact that I'd known him for years in the legion, sometimes it felt like he was a total stranger. When he came back after his disappearance it was like I was looking at a new person even though he was the exact same before he left.

Currently, I was hunched over a table in the New Rome University library with him sat across from me. We were studying for midterms and he was helping me understand one of my worst subjects: Ancient Greek History.

Yes, we had won a war with them and yes some of our best friends were Greek but that didn't mean I knew their history as well as they did.

"Don't- don't laugh at me!" I said playfully as I watched him chuckle at me. I'd gotten an answer wrong and he laughed at me playfully. "It's not funny Jace! I'm gonna fail my midterm!" I said with another laugh.

"I'm not laughing- I'm not!" He said defensively, throwing up his hands playfully. "It's just-" He started again, tilting his head and looking at me "we've gone over Epictetus so many times now" he said, exaggerating his tiredness.

"can we stop....please?" I said with playfully pleading eyes. we've already been here for three hours and I was exhausted. We had a mini-starring contest before he let out a sigh. "Fine...it's getting pretty late anyway so-" he said, I looked out the windows and it was already dark.

"wanna stop to get food before heading back?" he said as he watched me put my stuff away. He threw his own bag over his right shoulder and got up. "Sure...there's that new Chinese place down the street from yours and Percy's apartment?" I suggested zipping up my own bag.

"Nah, I'm not in the mood for Chinese . Plus, it's Percy and Annabeth's weekly movie night so I can't go back for another 2 hours at least" He said as he checked the time on his phone. I was about to put my bag on my shoulder when he reached to grab it instead.

"Here, let me" he said grabbing my bag by its top handle in his left hand. "No- Jason you don't have to I can carry my own bag" I said as we started to walk slowly. "No, I don't mind. It's not like I can't handle it" he said as we continued to walk towards the front of the library.

He wasn't wrong about what he said. He was New Romes most trained soldier and was built like Michelangelo sculpted him out of marble. We started to walk on the side-walk towards me and Annabeth's apartment.

"what about that pizza shop next to your apartment building?" He said as we walked down the stairs. "We go there all the time Jason" I said playfully. "Yeah that's because they make really freaking good pizza" he replied without missing a beat.

"fine." I said dramatically with a laugh. We continued to walk to the pizza place on the corner next to the apartment building, talking miscellaneously until we reached the place. We ordered and sat down at a small two seater next to the widow and waited.

"I still don't understand, why was Nico upset when Will forced him into the infirmary?" he asked me confused. "Because Nico still doesn't understand that sleep is a basic human need" I said with a giggle. "right..." he said, confusion still in his voice. I just laughed again.

He looked at me with a certain look. One that I don't think he knew he was making. I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was. Jason's emotions were hard to decode. He was a very hard person to read. He also had a hard time expressing his emotions. Like I said, he's a confusing person.

"I think I might falling in love with you"

I froze when he said that. it was so sudden. I wasn't expecting it. It threw me for a loop. I looked at him keeping my smile but with a slightly more confused look. "...what...?" I said gently.

He looked at me with a simple but puzzled look, almost of longing. "I...I'm not very...good at...this" he said quietly looking at me with the same expression. "I...I don't know if Im doing this right or if this is even what I'm feeling but...yeah... I think I might be falling in love with you" he said with an expression of longing.

"it's just that, whenever I'm with you...I feel complete" he started speaking again. "your smile always makes me happy and your laugh somehow makes me the happiest I've ever been" he continued. I smiled at him wider.

I looked in his eyes with the same expression. "I think...I think I might feel the same way" I said gently as I laid my hand over his on the table. He smiled at me and I smiled at him. We sat in a comfortable silence, just enjoying each others presence until the pizza came. We started to eat and continued to talk miscellaneously, smiling abut what juts happened.

By the time we got back to the apartment Percy had texted Jason letting him know that Annabeth had fallen asleep and would be staying over. We stopped in front of the apartment door and smiled at each other.

"well uhm...I'll meet you at the library to study tomorrow? Same time?" I said cheerfully, looking up at him. "uh..yeah!... yeah that sounds- that sounds good" He said with the same tone, his cheeky smile warming my heart as always.

We stood in silence for a moment longer before I carefully approached him. I stood on my tiptoes and gently kissed his cheek. I pulled away and smiled while grabbing my bag from him and unlocking my door "goodnight, Jason..." I paused as I opened the door.

I looked at him again, he had blush across his face and a small grin. "Y'know...we could have our own movie night? Cause Annie is sleeping over at your place with Percy..." I said quietly, looking at him with a small smile, a gentle blush across my face.

He looked at me with the same loving expression. "yeah...yeah I'd like that" he said gently. He walked up to me in the doorway and we looked at each other lovingly. we both knew what we were thinking but we didn't have to say it.

he gently leaned down and kissed me, I kissed back and held his hands at his sides. Yeah...I think we might have fallen in love with each other.

Hiiiiii, again Im so sorry this took SO long to get out. I hope you like it!

#pjo #jason grace #jason grace x reader #jason grace x you #jason grace x y/n

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smytherines · 6 days

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Hey, I saw that you were bored, and I am also bored, so have an ask! Your Owen headcanons are great, so I was wondering if you have any about Owen's interest in acting/theatre?

It's one of the things that's really interesting to me about his character, even though it only gets a brief mention in canon.

Sorry if you've answered something like this already!

Ooooooooo this is such a good ask

It's weird, because despite being a hardcore theatre kid myself (I spent ages 8-18 in a community theatre program doing 2 plays and a musical every year), I always tend to see Owen's interest in acting in relation to my autistic Owen headcanon, as allegorical instead of literal acting/theatre.

Although in my experience, masked autistic people make excellent actors because it's what we do all the time anyways- every social interaction is a performance. We finesse ways to deliver lines, body language, tone of voice. I have to physically stop myself from rocking or swaying. I say combinations of words I've memorized from TV, delivered in the style of whatever actor's delivery is most appealing to me. Before I was diagnosed I used to joke that I built my public personality around Lauren Graham's line deliveries in Gilmore Girls. (I also routinely quote that show in social interactions)

It's exhausting, but I can more or less be at a social event for a few hours and seem ~normal~ and then come home and fall apart. The only time I feel like I can really unmask is when I'm totally alone, and the more time I spend with others (even people I love and adore!) The more irritated I get, the more quickly I melt down, the less I'm able to keep up the "I'm totally normal" facade I've constructed.

Obviously I'm 1000% projecting onto this character, but that's kinda how I see Owen and how I write him. I mean he literally is masked for most of the show, the acting, the way he speaks and his body language changing based on who he's around and what he's doing, him putting on personas and playing characters, the specific way he speaks with his hands, the way he seems to fixate on certain interests and ideas and ideological positions, the way they emphasize his interest in details, just so much of that feels familiar to me.

I do think he probably would've enjoyed acting. It saved my life. I wouldn't have survived without learning how to be someone else, someone other people don't immediately reject. For a second I thought maybe he could've been involved in vaudeville as a teenager, like Cary Grant, but vaudeville was on its way out by the early 30s so that doesn't seem likely. He'd be too young for it.

But I imagine he really liked to read plays, even if he didn't necessarily have a way to act or to see theatre as a kid/young adult. I think in the chwm epilogue I wrote about him buying a used copy of Pygmalion (unless I deleted that in editing, I can't remember). I think he probably read a lot and listened to radio plays and listened to BBC News to perfect his respectable posh accent.

I've had a headcanon for awhile now that Curt and Owen used to have sneaky little late night movie dates, because they just both love movies so much. Curt loves the action and the fantasy, the heroics of 1950s cinema, probably westerns, war films, musicals. Owen likes noir, and sci-fi, and british kitchen sink social dramas (those might be a *bit* late for him but the precursors for that), and is fascinated with the mechanics of acting, picking things apart, like he almost sees it as research for their jobs.

That's mostly just because I love classic films from the 30s-60s and now any time I watch something that came out during their time period I find myself wondering how those characters would react to it.

To me, in my little headcanon, Owen Carvour meticulously built this image of the perfect dashing confident charming British spy. And eventually he meets Curt and he trusts Curt, he sees that they have these similar rough edges that they hide with arrogance and vanity, that they are both playing a role. Curt is the first person who more or less experiences the world the way Owen does- filtering out the unacceptable parts of themselves to get by.

Curt is the only person he ever feels safe even partially letting the act drop with. Not all the way, they could never be 100% vulnerable with each other like that. But enough that Owen feels... safe with Curt. Not just about their secret (although yes also that), but Curt is the only person Owen allows to see any vulnerability, any trace of who he really is. It's part of why what Curt does feels like such a betrayal, why Owen can't move past it. Because he had a relative safe harbor, one person on earth he trusted, and it nearly got him killed.

#spies are forever #tin can bros #owen carvour #curtwen #agent curt mega #saf #tcb #saf headcanons #smy asks

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iridessence · 17 days

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How are you so confident? Your pics give the the "I'M FABULOUS AND I KNOW IT" vibe without being fake... you know... a lot of times in pics you can see who is fake confident even of they try to fake it well.

You're GLOWING and you give this great positive vibe.

How did you achieve this? I'm asking this because I'm not confident at all. At home when I'm alone I can be confident but as soon as I go out I stop being confident. At home in my mirror I look ok, average but ok. When I see my reflection outside I'm horrified by my looks and I look like the ugliest person on the planet.

When I talk people usually don't understand me well due being so stressed sometimes I talk too fast or too quiet and they're like "what???"

I think talking too fast comes because people usually interrupt me. I'm introvert and people have always talked over me since I was a kid. So I feel like I need to get it all out before I get interrupted

Other times I don't speak too fast or too quiet but words just can't come out and I struggle to even form a sentence. For 5, 10, 15 seconds I would struggle to find the right words. And when you talk to a boss or a co-worker those 5, 10, 15 seconds last sooooo long that it seems to me like I have been quiet for 10 minutes.

I also cry quickly and I struggle with this. I can't top myself and it's very unprofessional to cry in front of my boss or co-workers that later on make fun of me even more.

Can I become more confident myself?

Or do I need a shrink for my problems (or psychiatrist english is not my first language so idk which word to use)

When I see confident women like you I'm like I CAN DO IT... but this "I can do it" just lasts till I don't step out of my apartment.

Hi, thank you for reaching out. Identifying your issue and seeking help is a very important step, so you’re already on the path! Some of what you asked is addressed in my pinned post, but I have some other thoughts.

These are tough things to deal with and work on – there are so many factors that contribute to struggling and it sounds like you deal with anxiety. It might not be to the same extent, but I struggle with that as well. Something that helped me was reframing confidence and related issues under its umbrella: it’s a muscle, which means it will take time to build but it can be built. And some people have muscles that are naturally suited towards certain things while others might have to work really hard at it; you may be in the latter category but that doesn’t mean it’s not possible!

Therapy certainly helps, but one of the other big things is trying to find community and surround yourself with people who support your personal goals and for whom you can do the same. People that say “hell yeah, wear/do/say the thing!” This may seem hard and counterintuitive to achieve for a person with anxiety, but even online community can be a huge help. Finding those people who have similar interests who are kind and supportive can help you to build confidence before branching out to locals as well. Soon you’ll find your people

Location makes a huge difference too. I definitely dressed up quite a bit in Chicago where I’m from but I felt sometimes like an alien on the street with how some people received me. Moving to New Orleans, when I’m dressed up it’s just Wednesday. Sure, I turn heads and people take pictures and often people inquire about or comment on my style, but still there’s a sense of creativity and letting your freak flag fly in this city that really feels liberating. But sadly relocating is a huge to-do.

Leaning into what you love is super important— making sure that what you do/say/wear is ultimately for YOUR enjoyment is a key foundation to build on.

One of the great things you’re doing great already is looking at yourself in the mirror. You’ve gotta do it every day. Try talking to yourself in the mirror too, practicing ways you might introduce yourself, etc. These are all different ways you can exercise that muscle so that it doesn’t feel so strange when you’re out in social interactions.

The biggest thing with all of these is just time and taking steps to care for your mental health and growth. It’s hard but it’s worth it, and I wish you the best of luck!

#anon ask #text post

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not-a-big-slay · 3 months

Text

Until it doesn't hurt

kaz brekker x fem!reader

summary:betrayal leaves some wounds behind, but even more questions when you can't figured out from whom it really came from.

warnings: violence, cursing

type: fluff

part: 12/13

previous part: part 11 masterlist

a/n: please, please, PLEASEEUHH im SO SO SORRY! it has been almost a FUCKING YEAR SINCE THE LAST CHAPTER?! HELLO?! WHO TF DO I THINK I AM? i need to keep myself in line cuz this aint normal! i have been hiatus for soo long i need to pull it together. anywayy, its finished finally. its long ahh hell and im gonna be working on another part immediately so it wont be another 50 years dw. dont mind any grammar mistakes, english is not my first language and i have written one half of this in 2023, so i really dont feel like redoing it lol. i dare you if you can recognize where exactly i picked this draft up again. anyway, pleasee enjoy!!

also, sike, its not the last part hehe, there will be part 13 AND an epilogue

taglist (hi yall :'))

@chickencouncilrep

@venomsvl

@happy-nico

@twlegit

@ravenmedows

@blathena

‎

She had lost again.

That would be the third time tonight. Her change was getting thin and she predicted it would take one more game before she had to go kill someone for free again. So much for making a ton of money with this job. The girl watched her opponent spoon the coins from the table with one hand, laughing: "One more game and I'll have to dig up another grave, Y/N." Others laughed, so she wasn't the only one thinking that after all. It was logical, she really had to stop playing with grown men, they wasted away their old nights playing poker at this very table and she had other, young people things to do. It would be wise to get up and leave, no one would judge her for that. They would maybe even cheer her on, finally making a rational decision, no one ever seen that before when it came to her. Yet the thought of doing so was being blocked by a high indestructable wall, one that never goes away and will only be built higher.

If she does leave, she has to go home.

Her mother is probably fast asleep already, it is possible she could go to bed unnoticed and leave early in the morning. This option she used very little as Y/N never wanted to come back there. A year ago, after her mother left her blood soak through the wooden floor, Y/N made promise into her scars that she will never lay eyes on mother again. She successed in that for a year so far, becoming a hitman that was quite infamous in town. But her fame started growing from mockery, as she was really addicted to poker.

Her eyes gazed on Tim, the cemetary worker, the buryer as she liked to call him. He was one of the granpas at this table, but one of the peaceful people in town. He never wanted her to kill, just to help him with his work, although Y/N hated it more than the murders, she didn't like the aftermath of her work. Tim, being satisfied, started organizing the coins on the table. No, she cannot go home tonight.

"So what's it gonna be, kid?" asked the other player, Miyka. Her green eyes stared on Y/N's face, her wrinkles scrunched in excitment. Oh, how she hated all of them. The girl faked thinking about it before tossing dramatically her last money onto the table. "I bet 20." It didn't sound as good when she started that low, but it was all she had left. Intstead of the usual giggle and witty lines and jokes they threw her way before following up on her bad choices, they sighed, almost in dissapointment. It frustrated her, it seemed like they cared what she does instead of what amount of money she holds. It seemed like they cared about her. A wave of fear pushed her like a tsunami at this thought. People that cared ended up hating her, hurting her.

"What!" she snapped. Miyka looked at Lios, her brother, in concern, while Tim silently reorganized his coins. She looked around the table, frown getting deeper and frustration blooming wider. What was wrong with them. "Well, Y/N" Lios began, "We are just kinda...worried about you. That's all." Miyka took the word next- her previous question has been an obvious tease, the girl was dissapointed. "You clearly have nowhere to go, so you are spending your time here which is.... we get it, but." She sighed, trying to find the right words. "It's not good." Tim helped her and smiled at Y/N as if it would calm her. It did not in fact, she felt more and more anxious about their care, anxious situations made her angry. She wondered why she didn't kill them all instead of those free targets, she would never have to pay another debt again, because there would be no poker players left to play and her addiction would dissapear. "So that's it, huh? You ain't gonna play because you are scared I could actually win?" she said in her defense. Nonsense, she knew, but her heart was sweating and she was glad it didn't blow up yet. "We just care, Y/N, that-"

"Care?! Remind me Lios of just how many people I killed for you, then talk about caring for someone's life!" she spat as she stood up. Lios was more than content to her way of paying, she had no idea why he apparently cared when he could have another enemy at his feet if he just played one more game. Miyka tried to calm her down, touching her hand softly only for Y/N to flinch, hard. Her vision began to blur, the floor shook beneath her and sweat poured on her face. It was like the room was on fire, but she was the only one feeling it. Other people at the pub, being entertainted by the game or simply just hanging ot there, looked worried, some even disturbed by her behaviour.

What was happening to her?

She leaned on the table with her palms, the wood trying to ground her as she closed her eyes to not feel theirs. Voices of the players echoed her head as sounds in a cave and they felt distant, but still could make her more nervous with their caring attitude. They soon fell in whispers, driving her insane. Then, she caught one voice that silenced all the muttering, it was clear, quiet yet she felt as if its breath was in her ear. "Why play, when you can take a life for the exact amount of money laying on this table?"

She recognized the voice, it belong to the fourth player, Haltt. His voice was known only in the game. Hearing him say a sentence was unusual and therefore very powerful. It was deep, low, hard. It had authority and respect and it didn't need to ask for it. He had everyone's attention, he controlled the room with only his silent voice.

Y/N's eyes looked into his dark ones, she had to find them in the shadows floating around him, as if he commanded to them as well. "What are you saying?" she asked carefully, not knowing why. Haltt observed the table, his salt-and-pepper- although more salt than pepper- short beard surrounding his mouth as it counted the cash, then let out a little chuckle that brought goosebumps to everyone close to him. "920 Neredi. Being a hitman, a respectful hitman, would make this amount your pocket change." He grabbed the rest of her money she threw on the table and looked over to Tim. The buryer shook his head hesitantly, knowing what Haltt wants to do, but all it took was the man's neutral gaze for Tim to fold. Y/N watched him slowly scooping the money and anger took over. She pinned his hand to the table, not looking away from his face. She could hear people drawing breaths in fear, but she was free from all the anxiety now, she was grounded by his scary presence, she liked it even.

Haltt's head slowly turned to her direction, his eyes creating a straight path to hers, his eyebrows climbing up as he said softly: " You want this?" When she didn't respond, he stood up, took her hand off of his gently, not letting go as his freed hand reached behind his back, pulling out a gun. She observed quickly, it was an older model, it was small and only one bullet fit into it- however she knew a man like Haltt would only ever need one bullet- he then rotated her hand and placed it in her palm. He released her only when she seized it. Y/N let her hand warm the handle before looking up at Haltt again. "Then go make it." he finished his statement and sat back down in the shadows. Y/N checked the inside of the gun and she confirmed her knowledge about it.

She scoffed. "One bullet" Haltt nodded as if he answered to her statement. "That's all you need, I know your skills." his glass clincked when his rings touched it, raising it to his lips. She waited until he drank the remainings of his whiskey, having the suspision he might continue. "You kill the target, you'll get double of this." Her surprise was voiced by everyone around her, gasping and unbelievably whispering. Lios looked at Haltt, telling him he cannot do this. But Haltt only looked at her. "No one here wants you to play. You made them care, something a hitman shouldn't do." She squeezed her free hand into a fist, knowing his eyes are reading her like cards on the table. He leaned in: "Take your reputation back, make them fear you instead." he said quietly and it seemed only she heard it. He retreated back into his seat, letting her simmer in his words.

She knew people stopped perceiving her as a threat, a force to be reckon with, a fearful killer, and started to look at her as a 15 year old that sometimes threw tantrums. People smiled at her, old men laughed at her when they drank beer at the bar, as if she was their granddaughter doing silly things. Once, she was feared, but now she behaved like an old woman trapped inside a teenage body with gambling addiction and alcoholism. Everyone treated her as a kid she never was, but Haltt seemed to remember who she was 6 months ago, to trust her potential, her skills she never lost, but used them to not drown in debts, not to her job. She suddenly became so connected to him, she was hypnotized. The sound of the chatty room blurred again as she explored the gray ocean behind Haltt's eyes. He let her, grinning as he watched her back straighten and her nose breathing in deeply. Then came the question:

"Who is the target?"

Halt's smile stabbed through his cheeks as he answered.

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Inej didn't allow herself a break until she got the that exact building Y/N told her to. She was nervous to say the least. If everything goes right, Pekka Rollins will be dead. It was unbelievable to even think about. The moonlight caressed her back and the salty wind danced around her in excitment. Ketterdam is cheering for them, it will be better off without Rollins. She thought of ways how to carve his heart out, she wanted to make a heart-shaped hole, but it was too complicated making the curves, it would take too long and she didn't want him to die before she was finished. She needed something quick, but symbolic. After all, when the stadwatch will find his body, her work should be admired. Or Deln's work, she hated he will take credit for it, but it's definitely for the best.

Soon, the spider heard two sets of footsteps beneath her. She looked down carefully, confirming it's Y/N. In the dark, she couldn't much see her 'friend', but she could feel the disgust and fear Y/N had from above, suspecting he might not be an actual friend after all. Another secret of hers she wished to uncover after this is over. The way Jesper talked about this girl is riling up an interest in her. She wanted to get to know her better, her fate might not much differ from her own and she would like to hear her story, she would like to see why Kaz seemed to hate her so much. She also hoped Y/N will stay with them after this. For Jesper's sake and maybe for Nina's nerves as she looked worried about her.

As Y/N dissapeared into the alley, Inej grabbed her knife, Sankt Petyr, that she sharpened moments before. The wind picked up and she stood motionlessly at the edge of the building. She watched lightened windows in the Smeet Residence, hoping no one will think about looking outside tonight. The house reminded her of one she encountered at the southern colonies of Novyi Zem. It was in a horrible shape compared to this, but it was a haven for the citizens there, they admired it like people in Ketterdam admire The Exchange. It was luxurious given the state of the land.

Her train of thought stopped before it reached a station, because her ears picked up a subtle voice, then a laugh. The sounds got louder as they slowly approached her. Rollins must be pretty nervous of the meet-up if he talked to himself, or he was not alone. A slight panic rose in Inej's chest and she prepared to make the uninvited dissapear. If Rollins truly had some company, she would have to wait until he saw Y/N to take it out, otherwise he might see her and change his mind. If we won't do it, somebody else will brought out fire in her stomach. The girl was right, if they won't try the lovely dessert of revenge, others might eat it whole with no crumbs left. She suspected Pekka is the main character in many unfinished death threats and planned out vengeances.

The Wraith took a deep breath as her eyes closed, slowing down her rapid heartbeat filled with excitment. When she opened them, the bright windows from the residence, along with the dimmed lights on the streets aluminated two beings walking. One was definitely the leader of one of the most dangerous gangs in Ketterdam.

And so was the other one.

She silently gasped, panicking again, her heartbeat picking up. What the fuck is Kaz doing here? And why was he bent over with Rollins' hand around his neck. Even though they were right across her, Inej was oblivious to their conversation- well, monologue if she was more accurate- because she was way too busy feeling the plan fall apart. This wasn't supposed to happen, Kaz was meant to know nothing and then just cheer and celebrate once they'd be done. Why did he always took matters into his hands?.

When she came back to reality, they were almost in the alleyway. The spider quickly followed them, never taking her eyes off of Kaz's helpless form. Her hands always gently grazed any surface she incountered, her feet always landing on the tips of her toes, her moves inspiring every ballerina in Kerch, yet now her hands were sliding off roughly and she had to bent her knees to make the landing silent. Her fear of her friend manipulated her body and she almost fell over the edge when the sharp turn of the building made an appearance, luckily she awokened from the feeling and stopped herself.

She was above the meeting place now.

On her right was Y/N with the strange man. Y/N was anxiously pacing around, obviously worried as they all were, even the man next to her who stood still as a pole was taking almost unseeable shuttered breaths. When the girl faced her direction, Inej wanted to warn her of the unexpected turn of events, but she wouldn't be seen anyway. As it turned out though, she also wouldn't have the time to catch her attention in time as the target slowly showed up on her left side, Kaz still in his grasp. Up close she could see the knife he held to his neck, already cut into the flesh. The man on her right stopped breathing and tried to hide his widened eyes, Rollins smirked as he saw him, shaking his head in disbelief. But the tension really sparked up when Y/N finally saw them, her eyes instantly digging into Kaz, while his were already screaming at her. Only two words bound them all together as they appeared on every present mind.

Oh fuck.

---------------------------------------------

Silence started perhaps being uncomfortable for Deln, yet Y/N only cared about the boy 5 meters in front of her. He wore blood, a lot of blood. His face showed bruises for every Barrel rat and every drop of blood that fell next to his feet tore a piece of her heart. But the worst thing was his expression, it was no longer hateful, nor angry. His eyes sinked into her and they washed her with almost a relief-like feeling, like he was happy to see her, or maybe upset to see her here, in a dangerous street that will be painted red by more than one person. His gaze was soft, almost pleading her to either run away or get closer to him.

He was worried.

"I told you to come alone if my memory is still serving right." Deln began the conversation, dragging both of their attention to him. He earned a chuckle from Rollins and a response as he squeezed Kaz's neck, straightening him up: "Well, I thought I might get the lovebirds back together, eh?" The knife retreated back to his pocket, revealing a red line on the boy's neck. Y/N allowed herself to let one tear roll down her cheek as an apology to him. Pekka must have kidnapped him, because there was no other explanation on why was he present. Deln was confused, he didn't know Dirtyhands as far as she knew, nor about her time with Hertzoon. "Aw, look at 'em, already pining for each other." Rollins mocked and pushed Kaz off of his hand. Y/N had a hard time keeping it together.

Deln sighed annoyingly and the hitman was glad he kept the plan on track. It was hard to admit he was actually a big help to her. "Whatever, let's talk business shall we? It's cold tonight. Don't wanna be out late." he said offered and Rollins laughed in his face again: "What, gotta read the slaves a goodnight story?" If she wasn't still in shock from Kaz, the plan would skip to the killing part very quickly. "Well, not anymore since you took 'em all away, didn't you." the slaver stated and wiped the smile off of Pekka's face quickly. Y/N had to admit he played the role she made for him perfectly and let the conversation rest in his hands, as she continued to worry silently about the bloodied boy.

The Dime Lions' leader seemed to get upset about Deln's forwardness, he probably thought he could talk his way out of it with his disturbing charm. He put his hands on his hips and shrugged. "It ain't my problem you keep 'em in a dirty warehouse. I offered them a room with a comfortable bed and good money if they were willing to smile. That ain't no crime, lad."

"I'm not interested in your architectural opinion on my slave-keeping. I am upset you stole my property." Y/N was very invested in the conversation she almost forgot her role was against Deln. Her tied hands turned him to her side by the shoulder and pierced him with her eyes. "Don't speak of them like that." she warned and he simpy scoffed her off. It wasn't much, she must admit, but it was enough to voice her stand in this matter. "HA! And what do you think you'll be after we're done here? You will be lucky if I allow you to work in my brothel." the last sentence was a warning, he could be so much cruel to her, like he was in his house. She was present finally, all worry stepped aside to make space for the anger she held and the focus she held earlier tonight sat back down on her mind.

"You won't touch her."

Ready to speak, Y/N was taken aback by his raspy voice with scary undertone. He spoke to her like that, not long ago. It was almost unreal he was defending her. As much as it brought shivers down her body, Rollins was unfazed by the threat. "You can barely stand, boy. What can you possibly do to me." he stated the obvious and continued once he looked her way again. "Besides, she really isn't worthy of your protection." He put one foot in front of the other slowly, walking over to her. She was on alert, if she had the opportunity, she wouldn't wait anymore and strangle him with her tired hands and her desire to dig his grave. He stopped few steps from her and reached into his pocket again, pulling out something else than a knife this time. "Lost this?"

A thin, almost not visible in the dark, black string was held between his fingers. The bracelet she lost. The one Kaz gave her on the last day they saw each other. She lost it in Rollins' office. Her temptation to reach for it was unseen by Y/N as her first instinct was to look at Kaz, who also drowned in the vision of the string. She broke her promise, a childish one, sure, but it destroyed her still. It always served as a reminder of her failure. How she failed to warn him and Jordie, how she wrapped his heart around her finger without knowing it and allowed Hertzoon to shatter it. The girl promised herself to not mess up this promise, at least one thing she could keep. In the end, she lost it too.

How does she deserve to live after destroying all good in her life?

"Yeah, cruel isn't she? Do you really think she cares about you, or anyone for that matter?" he talked to Kaz that was still mesmerized by the sight in Rollins' hand. Deln was silently watching the scene, the situation out of his hands now, the plan off of track. "You don't know anything about her, boy-". " You're wrong." she interrupted him. He turned to her, waiting to elaborate, the string still lifted between his fingers as if he was trying to hypnotize them. "I told him everything." Y/N continued as she silently wished with the last bit of hope he would take the bait. He didn't:

"Everything, eh?" he echoed as he turned his back on her and focused on Kaz fully. As he reached his personal space, his hand streched to him, giving him the bracelet. The boy fixated on it, swaying with the wind due to his trouble standing on the one good leg for this long. Rollins watched him closely, feeling Kaz's hand taking it almost immediately. When his coffee-like eyes reached his snake ones, Pekka uncovered Y/N's lie:

"Do you remember Ms. Hertzoon?"

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"...You what?"

"Don't you dare be offended, you manipulated her and then left us. You're as bad as I am."

That made them punch her strongly in the stomach. Funny, Rollins wanted to watch her suffer, but was too lazy to torture her himself. They were on this for 2 hours now, or she at least thought so, she couldn't tell if the ringing was only in her ears. Rollins had her sit on a chair and then asked questions. The first were stupid and simple, almost like a small talk: Did she rob him, why is she back, when did she get back, etc. She earned 5 different punches in this round. Then the latter began. They wanted to know what happened after the con trick- as he called it- which resulted in her split lip and first blood drawn. Then another small talk, remembering all their time together and then, the truth. "Where is your mother?" it began and ended in countless of other painful things she couldn't be bothered to remember.

"How." he almost whispered, it was so dramatic that Y/N would laugh if she wasn't wheezing with every breath. "Oh, please. Like you care." she fully expected the hit for that one, though it still hurt like hell. "How!" he ordered her and watched her grow a grin with her painted-red mouth. She could still feel the little gun in her little hand, standing at the foot of her mother's bed. She watched her sleep for a moment before she truly aimed. Haltt was right, it did get back her reputation. He gave her the money and she counted every single coin to make sure it really was doubled. Fortunately, he was an honest man.

"One bullet was all it took."

To say she regretted it would be a lie, the biggest one in history maybe. She second-guessed it on her way home, sure, but she more doubted Haltt's promise than her actions. However, once she really saw her mother's chest rise and fall, nothing was easier than to pull the trigger. If she was a monster in her eyes, she would become one in her memory.

"YOU FUCKING BITCH!" was the last thing she heard from him, then her ears were filled with ringing and also pain when her nerves couldn't take it anymore. Everything went dark after a while, she was sure she couldn't breath and her eyes zipped themselves tightly, but even though she lost consciousness, she was sure she never stopped smiling while it lasted.

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He always suspected some part of her story was left out, it would be unwise to tell him everything and she was not stupid. While Kaz did predict that something happened with the mother, he didn't expect this. He answered her eyes as they asked for connection and tried to assure them of his unchanged opinion. So what? He also done horrible things, they all have, especially Rollins. Such a hypocrite, that man. When he finished re-telling the story of Y/N's torture, he retreated from the boy's space, fortunately for him, because Kaz would have no hesitation in twisting Pekka's neck. Everything was silent for a while, the wind whispered cold around them as they all studied each other. Kaz looked at the building's roof next to them, seeing only darkness, but feeling her presence. He hoped that whatever Y/N planned to do with Inej would be useful. And what did he know, maybe this situation is going extremely well for them.

"Well, that is truly shocking, but unfortunetely, Y/N's dead mom won't solve this conflict. So let's solve it ourselves, shall we?" The slaver spoke and grabbed the girl next to him by the bicep, dragging her with him closer to Rollins. Kaz took a small, unnecessary step forward as a move to help her. Seeing Deln's hand on her made the water rise around him, he could feel her discomfort and felt it himself. They stopped and he threw the girl in front of him lightly, so she wouldn't fall, but aggressively enough, so she would sway. "Pay me for the slaves and she's yours, as promised." the boy's fist turned white at that, wishing he could hang Deln's organs at the lamppost. "Hmmm" groaned Rollins in thinking. "How much do ya want?"

"3000 kruge."

"Pardon?"

Deln rolled his eyes. "It was 100 slaves you stole from me, every slave is expensive and believe me, I'm giving you a discount right now." Rollins nodded at his explanation. At this point, Kaz thought about getting out of there. He was being ignored and would be forgotten in a while. Rollins couldn't see him, Deln could, but he doubted he would care. However, she could too, and his heart radiated an unfamiliar feeling at the thought of dissapearing without Y/N. If this situation happened with anyone else, he'd be already at the Slat, drinking shots and drowning in silence of his room. Dirtyhands planned the escape, Kaz refused to go through with it. He refused to leave her. "Alright, alright. How about this." Rollins spoke his thoughts. "I'll give you half of what they make me from now on and if you ever wander in the Sweet Shop, you won't have to pay." Deln was silent, but he was clearly concidering it.

"Huh? Sounds good?" Smiling Pekka streched out his hand and waited for a handshake. Every set of eyes watched Deln's movement, from his step closer, closer to Rollins, closer to Y/N, until he squeezed Pekka's hand, reflecting his expression. "That's a deal, then." said the robber. "Deal." said the slaver. Kaz didn't know what that meant and from the girl's face, he could tell the confusion was shared. Although, he truly realized this wasn't part of their plan after Deln quickly reached for Y/N's belt with the same hand that just closed a deal, pulling out a small gun, one that could barely fit a bullet, and aiming it at the hitman. She was frightened, taking steps back, but she didn't got very far when Deln grabbed her by the collar, holding her close to his body.

"Like mother like daughter."

He was instantly on the move, as fast as he could, trying to prevent what was about to happen. The bullet was faster though. Before hearing the gunshot, they heard Deln's scream. Y/N felt to the ground and Kaz was at her side immediately. His eyes panicking, trying to find the wound while his heart sounded the alarms and awakened fear. Not like this. He couldn't lose her like this. He soon found the gunshot and without thinking threw his hands to press it down. They never made contact with it, Rollins' knife already found its way back to his neck, pulling him away from her. "You didn't think I forgot about you, did ya?" he laughed in his ear before Kaz threw his head back, hitting him in the nose. The grip got loose and he turned around, sending his anger and frustration in his fist. Rollins tumbled and he kicked him on the ground, getting him closer to the place he belongs.

Deln moaned in pain and the boy finally saw the reason. Below his bent over form, a puddle of blood formed and in it swam his thumb, right above Sankt Petyr. The corners of his mouth lifted a bit, he couldn't remember how did he survive all this time without Inej watching over him and the crows, it made him grateful she is back for now. His eyes were set to find Y/N again, but he only saw a red trace from where she laid. She must've gotten away. Good girl.

He couldn't follow her steps, because Rollins already got up from the cobblestones, ready to strike. He breathed heavily, supporting the place Kaz kicked him in with his hand. He couldn't understand why Rollins always came back into his life. He tried to avoid him all his time in Ketterdam, yet life always brought them together. Or death, he wasn't sure, maybe they were destined to destroy each other. Pekka Rollins was like a mosquito bite: itching to be noticed and when Kaz does so, he feels a brief satisfaction before the itch comes back and is worse than before. He was also as annoying. It needed to be finished right here and tonight

The boy braced himself and waited on the mosquito's move, straightening himself. Little did he know, the shadow from above already closed in on the man. Kaz watched as she kicked his knee from the back and caught his hair, stopping him from falling fully on the ground again. Sankta Lizabeta could be soon visible above his heart, the tip waiting to be pushed in. Only then, Dirtyhands quietly sighed in relief.

"He still can't do it without ya, huh? Tell me boy, when will you start being a man and do things on your own?" Rollins mocked them as he recognized the face, which currently held the future of his heartbeat. Kaz limped slowly closer, feeling Inej's eyes on him. He lowered his head once he entered Pekka's personal space dangerously deep. "When my brother will get his revenge in hell."

As soon as the menacing words reached Rollins, his lips twitched up at the sight of Sankta Lizabeta slowly painting an imaginery outline of the man's heart, being applauded by his blood-curling scream. Inej wasn't the one for torture, but he could see the bit of joy in her eyes and the relief on her face. She deserved to be the one that would free Ketterdam from this parasite and he let her have it, already searching for the bloody trail Y/N left behind.

His eyes alerted him when they caught it and he began to follow the path, slowly, limping as Deln's whines cheered him on.

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The stars were with her, sometimes changing their position or widening in her eyes as they waited to claim her. Salty waterdrops tapped her tired legs, reminding her of where she sat. She imagined death many times, it wasn't unusual for someone in her profession. She remembered Tim talking about the peace that comes with it, saying it is kind, so it would be easier for the soul to leave the body. For her, it was obvious. Everything would be kinder than life. However, nothing could prepare her for the last moments. Y/N realized that no matter how much you imagine it, it will always surprise you. The knowing that this is the last time she is going to exist in wasn't something her brain could comprehend. Maybe that was the mystery death held, that was the fuel for the fear in others, not understanding until it was too late.

Wind played softly with her hair while it kissed the bruises of her now untied hands, and she tried hard to feel everything at the same time. The clothes touching her skin, the numbness in her feet, her shaky breath as it entered and left her system, but mostly, she tried to memorize the pain in her stomache and the bullet inside her body. It was an intense feeling, so she wanted to feel it as much as possible, before it would fade and with it her heart.

The hitman got hit.

This is how her victims probably felt. She brought this feeling to numerous lives. Her mother felt this way too. Y/N couldn't decide if dying felt good or disgusting, but she could be certain it was lonely. Even if people surrounded her, it wouldn't be better. It was an experience for her soul, no one from the outside could empathize.

She wondered where her grave would lay as the slow footsteps got closer. Y/N heard him limp next to her and it seemed like the stars noticed him too, because they stopped moving once he sat down, as though they only wanted to be seen by her. He was visibly tired, still bleeding from his neck.

Maybe he was feeling the final presence too.

Maybe her starts would take them both.

Silence and the waves crashing made the space between them comfortable, maybe too comfortable for her liking. His breath was disrupting hers as it naturally tried to match the rhythm. The moment became so peaceful, she almost forgot about their history. It felt like nothing happened between them, they were just kids, sitting by the port, watching stars and listening to the ocean. They weren't Dirtyhands and Saskia. They weren't the Bastard of the Barell and Snowflake.

They were Y/N and Kaz. As they were always meant to be.

"Do you believe in faith?"

It felt like yesterday since he asked her that question. Every shared memory of them felt so close to her now, as if time was all messed up. Maybe death was already doing its job. Kaz was taking his time with the answer, breathing heavily, as if the air had to fill his words first before she could hear them.

"Yes...I do."

He exhaled, his low empty voice responding. Her lips lifted into a messy smile, her muscles were losing their power all over her body, but that didn't stop her from reaching into her coat and pulling out a folded, bloodied paper that her fingers swiftly grabbed from her slaver's back pocket before he could shoot her. It was almost bizzare, how a small, easily rippable piece made her revisit the demons of the past. She wondered if Deln wanted this all along. Maybe he wanted Rollins to kill her, so he could make his deal with him. Or maybe it was just faith, wanting to see how far she would go for a false sense of freedom.

"It doesn't mean anything." Y/N stated as she felt Kaz looking at the release paper. "I just needed proof that I'm not under anyone's influence anymore, but..." her eyes followed the ongoing waves. They looked like on a leash, as if someone released them, so they could explode onto the harbor's walls, only to pull them back again shortly after, reminding them they were still being controlled. It seemed torturous, humiliating. It looked like her. "...I will never be free of him."

Y/N couldn't look at the boy, even if his burning gaze could only be extinguished by an eye contact. He was right, she was a monster. She could see it now and she wouldn't hide from this fact. She would accept herself before her heart would stop singing. It was the least she could do with the very limited time, coming to terms with her own self.

The stars started moving again slowly as Kaz spoke: "He can't control you anymore..." His tone showed certainty. Inej had to claim her souvenir of revenge by now, but he still managed to squeeze out a scoff from the hitman. She couldn't believe he allowed himself to be so naïve. Rainbow won't repair the damage done by storm, same as killing Pekka Rollins won't erase his actions and the following conciquences. His influence made her do things beyond his leadership. It scarred her for life, and those scars bled onto others without the possibility to heal. She bled on him too. She killed his brother for fuck's sake.

"The things he caused precedes him." Y/N finally looked at Kaz, his eyes seemed to be glowing in her hallucinating mind. "I can't be changed." She whispered, knowing he would hear every single letter. The moon illuminated him perfectly. His features casted a soft look under its light and Y/N was glad this would be the appearence of him she would take to her grave. She was happy to become one of the stars that would continue to shine on him.

Suddenly, death seemed very pretty.

The girl saw his hand on hers before she could feel it. It was weirdly warm, even though he barely touched her. His eyes demanded her ears' attention as he spoke, slowly, so she could feel the words. "You don't need to be changed."

Her mind was confused. How could he even speak such things?

"I am a killer." she reminded him.

"Not by choice." he argued.

"I killed my own mother and enjoyed it." she was restless in making him hate her.

"Your mother's conciquences of her own actions." he dodged her attempt.

"I killed your brother." was when she knew she would win. It wasn't excusable. Nothing could possibly erase this from Kaz's mind, no apology was enough, she was certain. That was the reason she couldn't understand why Kaz's hand began to hold hers more tightly as his eyes studied the wound in her stomache, covered by her arm that desperately tried to prevent the blood from pouring out, but it became more and more hopeless. "You're dying and not doing anything about it." he aknowleged. Y/N smiled briefly, from pain and also from his slow understanding of her plan.

"I deserve it." she spoke weakly, every word felt heavy on her tongue and she was about to give in to their weight. He only observed her, as her body was slowly losing the ability to move, as her energy was being sipped by the waves below. It suddenly felt a bit scary for her, she was in the process of dying and it strangely ignited the last bit of her will to live.

Kaz did nothing, he only asked: "Why?" She looked at him, her eyes shooting fear. She guessed she would engage with every emotion before turning off. Maybe the nature granted this privilege to every person, so they would get to have the proper goodbye to their body.

"I never done anything good, I only brought pain." her lips responded, making Kaz nod slowly. Y/N gasped softly as the fear intensified. This feeling was unlike any before, like her life was slowly slipping through her body, through the wound. Her arm pressed tightly, as much as she could to slow down the inevitable, but it was too late. "Maybe it's time to change that." Kaz spoke. She wouldn't be able to change her ways if she died, the only thing she would remember about this life was how she made it difficult for everyone else.

Y/N sighed, death was almost touching her, heart was losing its music. She no longer felt the waterdrops on her legs and the stars dimmed their light. "It's too late."

The port beneath her began to sway, as if it would tip over to the ocean anytime. She gripped the concrete edge, slipping her hand from Kaz's to do so, trying to stop it from moving, only for it to sway more. She picked her eyes up at the sky, seeing only her five stars in the black treacle sky, as her body pushed closer to the waves.

Death awaited her.

Like those waves, Y/N was suddenly pulled back by someone's hands, feeling her body lift up from the port, supported in the air. Her form bounced with every other step and another warm breath kept mixing with hers. She imagined those arms were of an angel, bringing her to heaven. Or a devil, bringing her to hell. She gave into its touch nonetheless.

"I know you're not very good at keeping them, but would you promise me one last thing?" a voice asked her, a low and a tired one. One that could only belong to an angel the way it kept her dying heart beating. The girl could only hum, agreeing to the angel's request. The voice sounded serious, threatening almost, but she could hear the worry hidden behind it, as it spoke.

"Don't make me lose you."

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Nina whined, having trouble with breathing as her hands shook from the need to be put down. She saved the Dregs numerous times from a certain death, yet Y/N exceeded her expectations. The heartender tried her very best to wake her heart up, while Jesper and Wylan panicked to pull out the bullet and seize the wound, so no more blood would be lost. What wasn't helpful, though, was Brekker, constantly yelling at them for trying harder. She understood that his anger was powered by the fear for that girl, but that didn't put out the urge to fill his face with more wounds, maybe a broken nose even.

"I swear, Nina. If she dies.." he exclaimed again, not helping the situation in any way.

"It will be on you!" Nina barked at him, frustration clearly visible not only on her tone, but her tired features. Her eyes shot to Jesper and Wylan an apologizing look as she saw their hands bloodied and faces worried. The door swinged open behind her, revealing Inej. Nina felt relief wash over her as she saw her. Kaz would maybe stop being such an asshole in her presence.

"Is she breathing?" Inej asked and immediately moved to Y/N's lying form, putting her cheek above her nose. "Barely." Wylan answered stressfully. Kaz's worry shifted to fear, Nina could sense that, even when her full focus was on the hitman's weak heart. She was barely alive, but the heartender was still surprised it could beat. She was strong and Nina hoped she would continue to fight.

Jesper gasped heavily and looked at her. "The wound's sealed!" he sounded so hopeful and it brought Nina some strenght to see him like this. She had to take quick breaths before tightening her hands in the air one more time, fastening Y/N's heartbeat. Fortunetely, it worked. "She's breathing again!" Inej said with a small smile, causing Kaz to limp closer to see for himself. His own wounds weren't yet treated, but Nina didn't even try to convince him. He had trouble looking after himself when one of them was hurt, she could imagine how much worse it was in this case, where his heartbeat's fire was on the brink of death.

She could feel the heartbeat pick up to a slow pace. It wasn't yet normal, but at least she didn't have to control it now. Nina put her hands down and fell down on an armchair beside her. Everyone in the room fell victims to exhaustion, Nina closed her eyes for a moment, just focusing on her breathing. Wylan was the first to stand up and slowly make his way out of the room with the words she'll be alright, Nina, you did a great job. Jesper followed, squeezing Nina's shoulder and nodding shortly at Kaz, before the door closed after him too.

"You either let me treat your wounds or you will go and get some sleep." she offered to the man, her eyes fixated on Y/N. She was glad he, at least, wrapped his neck in a bandage during this hard time, but he had other quite serious wounds she had to treat sooner or later. Kaz allowed himself to be predictable as he stared at the hitman and then slowly limped out of the room. Before he did though, he surprised her after all.

"Thank you."

Nina's head snapped his way and watched him leave, she didn't expect that. Inej sat next to her on the armrest, following her eyes to the laying girl. "You should rest as well, I know how tired you are." the heartender studied her features with a caring look. Her friend fought the sleep well so far, which she hated to see. "I'm not leaving you alone." the spider said with a decisive eyes connecting with hers. She knew the heartender couldn't sleep herself, as she had to look out for Y/N's heart. Nina flashed a defeated smile. She was grateful for her presence, she missed her a lot, but it would ease her mind if she went to sleep. However, knowing her stubborn mind, she scooted over to the very side, creating a tiny space for Inej to sit, which her friend accepted with a smile.

"Alright then. Tell me how you killed Rollins and DON'T spare any details."

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eudaem0niic · 2 years

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first time ~ kurt kunkle x reader (28k reads on wattpad!!🫶)

pairing: kurt kunkle x fem!reader

warnings: 18+, smut, mild pain kink, female receiving oral, penetration, gore, language

wc: 5.1k

note: this is an ongoing fic, updates might be added slightly later than wattpad updates (username: eudaemonic)

Backstory

You and Kurt met on a late night spree drive home. You had had a rough night, in which your boyfriend dumped you with the last words he said to you being "I don't regret cheating, fuck you", so you weren't really looking for anything. All you wanted was to go home and sleep off the post breakup slump you were experiencing.

Kurt, who at the time was your driver, seemed to continuously stare at you and, even in the dimly lit car, you could see in his eyes that it wasn't a malicious stare, nor a creepy stalker stare, it was more like something he saw triggered an emotion he'd never felt before. To him it felt euphoric, almost unreal. But in between his spurts of glances, he noticed the hurt in your face, or maybe he just saw the mascara which, unbeknownst to you, was streaked down your face. "Hey, are you- are you okay? Its just from here it looks like you've been crying.." He let out a short, almost relieved breath. It was as if he was trying to talk to you for a while but only just built up the confidence to do so. You let out a short chuckle. "Not really. My boyfriend cheated on me, then ditched me." He looks back with a frown. "Oh shit, he sounds like a dick. You don't deserve that, your like, insanely beau- i mean, your crazy pretty, he must not know what he's just lost." He stops at the red light, turns to look at you and gives a kind, inviting smile. You finally get a full view of his face, and he's cuter than you expected. His hazel eyes were half hidden by his even browner hair which, although was quite greasy, was styled in a way that cradled his face shape. His smile was slightly lopsided, giving him an almost cartoony image. And so far, he seemed like a kind-hearted and warm person. You smiled. "Thanks, your pretty cute too, Kurt." At this his face turned bright red, he had never been complimented before.

Conversation ceased from then on, until you wiped your smudged mascara and tears, since your surprisingly attractive driver had changed your mood, and climbed into the front. You caressed his now speckled pink cheek, then held his hand, which was on the gear. "So, Kurt.." You made eye contact and smiled at him to reassure the anxious look he gave you. ".. do you have a girlfriend by any chance?"

Six months in

You step up to your door, rummaging in your bag for your keys after a long day of work. You didn't expect Kurt to be there because even though he has a key, he rarely uses it since he doesn't live with you and you are normally in when he comes around. He also frequently works weekdays quite late, so seeing him dashing around cleaning for whatever reason came as a surprise. Upon hearing the door open, he looked up and grinned. "Oh hey babe!" He says ecstatically as he runs up to you to hug you. The height difference between you and him means he towers over you when he hugs you, sometimes he even picks you up. You hold on tightly to his waist as he too grapples onto you. You take a moment to inhale his smell. As always, he smells of cherry vape and aftershave. "I missed you so much." He says with a devoted tone. You chuckle. "Kurt, baby, you saw me yesterday. But i missed you too." You look up at him and smile while he kisses your forehead.

"Hey, I-uh, thought maybe, if you're not busy, we could go out tonight? Like- ...like a date? It's okay if you can't it's just.. your favourite movie is on in the drive-in tonight, I thought you might wanna go see it?" You smiled at his thoughtfulness. He's the only guy you've dated who hasn't just used you for your body. "Absolutely." His face lit up with glee, and he ran to grab his outfit that he had already planned. "Now I'm not dressing too casual but not out-to-dinner type fancy either. I bought us some matching stuff but you don't have to wear it if it's too cringey or anything, love." He walked out of the bedroom with his outfit and the matching accessories he got you both, which were a handbag for you and a matching belt for him. You gasped in awe at how pretty the bag was. It was a lilac leather bag with golden chain handles, and the belt was the same lilac leather, but with the gold chain on the side. "Oh Kurt, you really didn't have to! I love them, and you." You stand on your tiptoes to kiss him but he notices your struggle and intention, and he picks you up in a hug. Your legs grapple around his waist, while your hands go through his hair and you kiss him. His arms around you hold you tighter as to make sure he doesn't lose his grip on you. You place your head on his shoulder, and wrap your arms around his neck. Thankfully, he gets to the sofa before starting to lose balance. He runs his fingers through your hair before he lays down, with you laid on him.

There are thousands of thoughts running through both of your heads, majority of these thoughts were similar. They consist of mainly how lucky you both believe you are for meeting the other. It's a perfect relationship, you both found each other in hard times which you helped the other get through. Once Kurt admitted that before he met you, he was in fact planning a fame-seeking killing spree, which was a lot to take in, considering how innocent and kind he is to you. For Kurt, all of this was new. You were his first girlfriend, first person to compliment him, first non-family member to hug him, first kiss and maybe, he hopes, the girl who he has his first time with. He is the happiest he's ever been when hes with you, and you are all he ever thinks of. He zoned back in from his thoughts, and noticed you were asleep. "The movie isn't till late anyways." so he set an alarm, wrapped his arms around you and slept.

The drive-in

As Kurt turned into the parking lot, you saw the adverts on the large screen. You hadn't seen your favourite movie, Labyrinth, in a long time. You barely even recall telling Kurt it was your favourite movie. He pulled into a perfect spot, and pulled out some food from the back of the car. "I brought your favourite foods too, babe." He smiles, proud of himself for planning all this secretly. You smile back, to make sure he knows you are proud too. He isn't the greatest for understanding positive expressions other than a smile, just a symptom of his childhood neglect. Although it was forecast to be warm, it was surprisingly cold. Upon one of Kurt's frequent gazes at you, he notices you shivering. "Here, you can come sit on my lap if you want, hon." You climb over the things in between you and him, and sit on his lap. He wraps his arms around you, and rubs his thumbs against your waist in circular motions. His cold but smooth lips collide with your neck, and he makes a few marks before laying his head on your shoulder. He chuckles. "How did i get so lucky? It's insane." this makes you blush, and butterflies hit the sides if your stomach vigorously. You share the same viewpoint, it was as if he was destined to be working late the night you tumbled into his spree.

You were an hour and twenty minutes into the movie when you felt something against your thigh. "Um.. Kurt? Is that.." You turn around to see his deeply embarrassed face. "Oh babe don't get embarrassed!! Its okay, it's natural, nothing to be ashamed of. I'm not gonna judge you, it just sorta shocked me." You give him a reassuring smile and turn your back to the movie to hug him, trying to calm his embarrassment. "I-i'm sorry if i made you uncomfortable, i didn't mean-" you stop him from saying any more. "Kurt, love, its natural. You didn't make me uncomfortable, nor do you need to apologise." He sighs, as if letting out the shame he felt. He hugs you back tightly, then looks at you and says, "Do you wanna.. go back to your seat? You don't have to, its just.. y'know.." you chuckle. "Baby I told you it doesn't matter, it happens. I'm staying here. You give nice hugs." He lets out a smile you've never seen before. It's like a smile of acceptance. He's never been given this much reassurance over anything. He really loved you, it was something irreplaceable. You turned back around to watch the movie.

By the end of the movie, it had went down. You knew bringing it up again would embarrass him, so you forgot it ever happened and held his hand as he drove back to your house.

The sleepover

When you both got back to your house, you and Kurt sat down together. He went to check his phone, and upon opening it, furrowed his brows. You looked at him in concern. "Babe, what's wrong?" He lets out a sigh of frustration and says "Shit. It's my parents. They're arguing again." You look at him in disbelief. "Holy shit, its been happening so much recently hasn't it? Are you sure it's safe to go home? You can maybe stay here if you'd like? We haven't had a sleepover yet." His face lit up again. "Yeah, thats a good idea baby." You smiled wide, and hugged him tightly.

You and Kurt had never spent a night together mainly because, even though Kurt is a grown adult, his dad Kris refused to let him. This time was only different because he had reasoning, and it may well be the first of very few unless Kris changed his opinion on it.

After a while of cuddling on the sofa, Kurt went to have a shower. His hair got shockingly greasy very quickly, so he had to have a shower on the morning and on the night to minimise the amount of grease. While he was in the shower, you decided to take your tights and underwear off. You had a large waist, and everything was always tight. You didn't think anything of it, as its what you normally do when you get home from a night out. It wasn't long before Kurt came back in from the shower and sat next to you again. You laid your head on his shoulder, and he put his hand on your thigh. He once again did the circular thing with his thumb, he knew it gave you butterflies. You stared up at him. "Kurt.." He looked down at you, curious. You led your eyes to your tights and underwear on the floor, then looked back up at him. There was a silence as you read the gobsmacked expression on his face. He wasn't sure what to say. You put your hand on top of his, which was still on your thigh.

"You- you want me to..?" He stuttered, still almost completely speechless. "Yeah Kurt, I do. If you want to of course-" He cuts you off as he pulls you into a passionate kiss, while slowly sliding his hand up your thigh. He props your head on the arm rest while he turns you into a laid down position. His hand slowly but surely reaches your clit, placing pressure on it that makes you squeal, although it was muffled because of the fact that your mouth was still covered by Kurt's. For a virgin, he was surprisingly good. He was about to move his hand lower when you pulled back from the kiss and said, almost breathless, "Not here," you panted, "bedroom." You went to get up, but he slid one hand behind your back, and one under your legs and carried you there.

He dropped you on the bed and leaned over you. He pulled you in for another kiss, then he slowly went lower. He reached your neck and paused for a few seconds. You knew what he was doing immediately. He was leaving his mark on your neck. He then proceeded lower, and when he reached your chest, he began to unzip your dress. You got the message, and helped him pull it off, as well as your bra. You were now fully naked, while Kurt was simply shirtless. You were contemplating undressing him, but decided he would do it in his own time. He started lowering his lips again, reaching your breast. While he kissed the right one, he cupped the other in his hand and gripped it tightly. You let out a quiet moan, which shocked you. He lifted his head and chuckled in a low tone. "Pain slut, huh?" It was you this time who was speechless. You'd never seen this side of him, you didn't even know it existed. But you liked it. He smirked, and continued. As he reached your groin, you held on to the bedpost tightly. He was a virgin, but you could tell from what has already happened that what was about to happen wouldn't portray that in any way.

You felt his warm breath hit your clit. It was a strange sensation, almost like a tingle. He looked up at you lustfully with a smirk painted onto his pale pink lips. He looked back down at you and slowly went downwards, continuing to kiss your groin. It only took a few seconds before he reached you, soft moans roughened as he went from kissing to licking. His tongue seemed like less of a virgin than Kurt himself, it guided its way around your folds, hitting all the most sensitive areas with raw vigour. There was a fine line between the skill level of oral. On one side, there was being so terrible that it seems like you are just struggling to find the actual opening, and on the other side it's like theres a map of the folds engraved into your mind. Kurt was, surprisingly, the second one. You gripped tighter onto the bed frame as his tongue confidently wrapped his way around your folds and down to your entrance. His tongue mimicked the circular motion his thumb was doing on your hips and thigh earlier in the night, and it had just the same effect on you. "God. You are-" you were cut off by your own moans, "-you are good for a virgin" while saying this, you let out what you could of a laugh. His eyes came upwards to look at you, still making circles inside of you. You gripped the bed tighter, and let out a loud, shaky moan.

It wasn't long before you noticed him slowing his pace. Once it had slowed to a moderate speed, he began kissing again. He followed his previous path up to your lips. When he reached it, you tasted yourself on his throbbing tongue. He then went on to kiss your neck again, leaving more hickeys. After catching your breath, you rolled both of you over, so you were above him. You began to grind on him, holding the bed frame that was behind his head. Unhesitatingly, he pulled off his trousers, and threw them on the floor beside the bed. Just before he took off his underwear, you saw that he was getting a boner again. But this time, he didn't seem embarrassed, he looked confident, as if he didn't care. As his boxers came off, you saw his dick, and you were surprised to say the least. It was huge. He laid back and placed his hands on your hips. "Just making sure, you want this, don't you?" you nodded, still in too much awe over the length to speak. The second he got your confirmation, he didn't waste a single second and picked you up by your hips, because he could tell you were still exhausted from before. He placed you back in between his legs, allowing you to mount yourself upon him. You smirked. "Ready?" he nodded, excitement and curiosity slightly showing in his face. You began going up and down slowly. A throbbing pulse-like feeling hit your insides. Grunts emerged from the depths of Kurt's throat as you sped up. He gripped tighter on your waist, leaving marks on you. Short, breathy moans came from your mouth in groups of four or five. You held onto his shoulders, as if about to fall off a cliff. He was immense. Every time you moaned, which happened frequently, you grabbed his shoulders tighter. His groans were hoarse, as if his throat was dry. It wasn't long before you noticed him getting sloppier and slowing a bit. His groans slowly became moans, getting louder and louder. You knew what was happening. Seconds later, a warm fluid shot up inside you. It came as a shock, and you jumped a bit. He finished, and you noticed he was completely drained of energy from his droopy head. You leaned upwards, causing his dick to fall onto his lower belly. You laid on him, head on his chest. He ran his hand through your hair and kissed your forehead. He hugged you tightly and closed his eyes. You let out a small smile and did the same as him.

Morning after

You wake up to a warm breath next to your ear. You turn around to see Kurt fast asleep, face almost touching yours. You smiled contently and kissed his forehead. He mumbled as his eyes fluttered open. '"Hi babe, you okay?" you say in a high voice. You didn't know what you expected to get back, but god it sure wasn't what you got. "Hey babe, i'm good. Just tired." his voice was deep and rough. Deeper than usual. It was strangely attractive. "Well I'm not surprised, you fucking rearranged my organs." you said with a light chuckle. He lets out a proud smirk, he was surprised that he did so well for his first. 'God, I wish my dad wasn't so uptight, I'd have moved out by now if he let me.' You stay silent in thought for a moment. 'Stay here. With me. And don't ask your dad, just tell him. You're twenty-three, Kurt, he has no control over you anymore.' You push his hair out of his eyes and smile. 'You know what? You're right! Should we go tell him like.. now? Once we've gotten dressed obviously,' he chuckles lightly, 'can't go out butt naked.' You giggle and climb out of bed. Turning to the wardrobe, you pick out a comfy outfit. It's Saturday, and you thought you could have a lazy day with Kurt. He grabs yesterdays clothes from the floor and gets ready.

You both get in his car, it was closer and you were tired. His parents house wasn't far away, but it was isolated from the world. It was hidden behind a small field which was half dead and had no life whatsoever there. The house wasn't in the greatest condition either. All it was was a small bungalow, majority of which stunk of weed. The only room that didn't really smell of it was Kurt's room. He never let his drug addict of a Dad in his room, so it never smelt of his narcotics. The living room stunk of alcohol too. Another perk of living with burnt out, depressed, middle aged pricks. You grab his hand as he pulls onto the curb. 'You ready for this? There's no rush, babe.' He takes a moment to ponder, and nods. You both step out the car and meet at the edge of the path, look each other in the eyes, grab the other's hand and walk up to the door. You go to knock, but Kurt just walks in. 'Dad! We need to talk to you.' his dad turns, startled by the sudden entrance. 'No knocking, then? Huh.' he looks at us as if we were piles of dirt. He then smiles and you see a idea perk up in his small, drugged-up mind. 'So.. did you take his v-card last night? Huh? Huh?' he laughs at his immaturity and nudges you and Kurt. Kurt whacks his dad's arm. 'Dad, stop it. We are here to say.. i'm moving out. I'm gonna start living with my girlfriend.' His dad looks at him, baffled. Suddenly, an anger you've never seen before floods his face. 'Boy, you don't even know how to take care of yourself. I'm the main income. Fuck, all it takes is one shitty driver to knock your car and i'll be the only income. You need me, Kurt.' His voice got quieter as he spoke. You smiled politely, 'Actually, Kris, both me and Kurt have stable jobs. If one of us gets the sack, we still have the other to keep us on track while we look for a new job. He's gonna be fine with me.' This sent Kris into a rage. 'He will NOT be alright with you! I'm his dad, I know whats best for him, and its sure as hell not you! Get out!' Suddenly, he stormed at you. Kurt's face dropped, and he stepped in the way as quickly as he could. He knocked his dad to the ground, pinning him down while he yells. He tries hitting Kurt, but it's no use. He slowly gives up, and Kurt lets go. He hesitantly crawls back up, maintaining furious eye contact with you. He grunts and pulls a sour look, looking you up and down before shrugging and walking away. Kurt stutters as he shouts at him, 'S- so is that a yes?' 'Do whatever the fuck you want.' was the only response he got as his dad walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge for a beer. Kurt sighed, his short temper wearing out as he grabs hold of your hand and leads you out of the house. He slams the door behind you both after flipping off his dad.

He quickly wraps his arms around you.You notice tears hit your shoulder, and look up to see what was wrong. 'Hey, hey, it's okay. You did it. I'm so proud of you. I know that took a lot.' He holds you tighter while you comfort him, and you both stand in each others arms for a moment. You tapped his back and signalled to the car. He sniffled his nose and nodded. As the car pulled away from the drive, you saw Kris running towards the car, hammer in his hand. He hit the back window with a harsh force. Glass covered the back seats, the boot, and the area at the back of the car. Kurt spun in his seat, a look of shock and anger rose up into his face. He looked away angrily for a moment, paused, and grabbed his gun from the arm rest. 'Kurt, don-' he cut you off by grabbing your arm with an aggression you never expected from him. 'Stay out of this.' He looked back at you for a second, and turned to his car door. You reached for his arm again, shaking with fear, but he was out of the car before you could get to him. You turned swiftly to where he was now storming towards. Kris saw him behind him, and ran towards your window. As he aimed the hammer towards you, you closed your eyes and covered your head to brace yourself. Almost immediately, you heard a thud on the ground and a loud, pained grunt. 'You know what dad? I'm sick to death of you treating me like I'm your fucking little kid. I'm an adult, and I know how to act like one. I'm tired of dealing with your bullshit, your drunken pickups from shitty ass clubs miles from here, your lack of caring until you need me, honestly, i'm just sick of you. You gave me nothing as a kid, you kinda learn how to care for yourself when your mom is a prostitute and your dad is a drug addict. You know, I don't think i've needed you since I was fucking five. I've hated you my whole life, i'm only acting on it now because i've realised you never did shit all for me, you just acted like you did. I'm done with your bullshit. You won't ever come near me or my girlfriend again, and i'm gonna make sure of that right now.' By now you had opened your eyes, and were watching Kurt stand over his dad, who was cowering on the ground. Slowly, he aimed the gun at Kris. You slammed the window, screaming at him to stop. He ignored your yelling and continued pointing it at him. He wasn't shaking or twitching like he normally does. He was visibly confident in what he was doing, and it was showing how long he had been waiting to do this. You decided to stop trying to stop him, you knew it was no use, yet your eyes were moving back and forth between the shaking man on the floor and the boyfriend who you thought you knew. You watched Kurt stare into his dad's horrified eyes with a look that seemed almost psychopathic. Tension and horror built up inside you as you watched him slowly pull the trigger. Suddenly, you flinched, and when your eyes reopened you saw Kris laid on the floor, blood surrounding his lifeless body. Kurt looked back at you, a look of terror and regret on his face as he realised what you had just seen him do. He hesitated for several moments before zoning back in and rushing towards his car door. 'We- we need to go.' 'Kurt; what the fuck did you-' 'We need,' he turned the engine on, 'to go.' He sped along the road and dashed through traffic to get to your house. You could barely get a word out about what just happened, so you sat in silence.

Cars honked aggressively at Kurt's speed, their even angrier drivers cursing and flipping him off. 'Fuck you too, cunts!' He yelled out of his momentarily open window. Tears welled in your widened eyes, shaking as you turned slowly to look at him for the first time since he shot Kris. He looked at you swiftly before looking away, then he peered over again. 'I-' he let out a deep breath, 'I'm sorry you had to see that, it won't ever happen again. I love you, okay?' he shot you a quick attempt at a reassuring smile before reaching for your hand. You couldn't move away, you were still frozen in devastation. The rest of the ride blurred in your mind; you zoned out and didn't hear anything else. What you had just seen happen changed everything. Your head was flooded yet empty at the same time. Who was Kurt? Or, alternatively, who was he becoming and what would it do to you?

Change of plans

Kurt's cold hand grabbed your shoulder and shook you to try pull you out of whatever reality you were in. His hand seemed strangely unfamiliar, you weren't sure you recognised your own boyfriend anymore. 'Babe, get up, we need to get in the house and think about this.' You twisted yourself around swiftly. 'We? What part in this did I have?! I sat and watched my boyfriend, whom I thought I knew, kill his own father after begging him to stop and suddenly it's we?! What the fuck, Kurt? Who are you? Give me one good reason why I don't walk away and tell the cops right now.' At this, his face changed. It was less of a concern for him and more of an concern towards you. He was shocked. 'I- well- because I love you, I did that for you.' You scoffed. 'I didn't ask you to do that. You did that on your own accord.' He fumbled around for a moment and grabbed your hands. 'I- I did what I thought was right- I didn't want him to hurt you- I care about you!' You let out a deep breath, and try to calm yourself. You don't know how or why, but you somewhat understand why he did what he did; he didn't have anyone there for him his whole life, and he had just faced a scenario that made him suddenly terrified of losing you. The anger, confusion and shock you had simmered and you let in a bit of empathy.

'Kurt. There were other ways of protecting me.' 'I- I know but I was scared! I wasn't thinking straight. You have to believe me!' He tugged at your hands desperately. 'Kurt, I believe you,' You take another breath, 'I just don't understand why you didn't do something else.' He looks down, you weren't sure if he felt guilt or if he was confused by his actions. 'I wasn't thinking straight,' His voice was less erratic and more relaxed, 'I was scared, angry, upset, it was just- I didn't know how to react. My first reaction was to protect you.' 'You still killed someone, Kurt. That's like, one of the worst crimes you could do.' He covers his face with his hands. 'Shit. I know. I'm so stupid. Why didn't i just fucking drive off.' You take his hand from his face and hold it tightly, with your other hand on top. 'I'm not sure what I'd need to do to stop you from being put in prison, but I'm going to try to prevent it. I don't care what happens to me, if you are willing to do what you did for me, I'm willing to do this for you.' He looks up at you, his face a jumbled up mix of relief, joy and surprise. 'Babe I can't- I don't want you being in trouble too. It's safest for you to-' You cut him off with a swift kiss. 'I don't care what's safe and what isn't, I'm doing this for you. No matter what it takes, babe.' Part of you couldn't believe you were doing this, but it was obvious. You were head over heels for this man, and he was the most amazing guy you'd ever met. It was a once in a lifetime experience you weren't planning on losing. And as long as you had any say in it, you most certainly wouldn't lose it.

#kurt kunkle #joe keery #spree #the lesson #smut #joe keery x reader #kurt kunkle x reader #stranger things #joe keery x you #kurt kunkle x you #fem!reader #spree x reader

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bellaxgiornata · 1 year

Text

Keep Coming Back to You (Chapter One)

Pairing: Matt Murdock x Fem!Reader

Summary: Reader travels the multiverse hiding in different worlds from the one who is hunting her because of her ability. Over time, she realizes she keeps getting pulled back to Matt Murdock in his world. See my Masterlist of stories or the PROLOGUE for the full summary of this series (& you might want to read it first, anyway).

Warnings: 18+ for this series; angst, smut, horror, language, violence (possibly more warnings later)

Word Count: 4.4k

a/n: Just going to go ahead and post the first chapter already for y'all so you can actually get some college Matt and Foggy! And some zombie world--I mean, Nightmare 1. Hopefully you enjoy the first full chapter of this series! Depending how posting on tumblr goes, maybe we will see all the chapters on here, but otherwise I post everything on AO3 (which you can find in my Masterlist).

Six Years Later

A cold gust of wind blew over you, rustling the leaves on the nearby trees. A storm was inevitably on its way, you could tell it by that scent of ozone in the air. Sweet and strong, a crisp smell that was often comforting to you.

Except for right now.

Heavy footfalls pounded along the sidewalk behind you, the sound spurring you forward. Quickly you darted around a corner, racing past two-story house after two-story house. The only light you had to see through the dark was coming from the perfectly spaced street lights in the upscale neighborhood and the few outdoor sconces that were lit on the front of some of the homes. You weren’t even shocked that no one had even glanced out of their window to see why a young woman was being chased at night down their street. It was amazing what people anywhere chose to ignore.

Your lungs felt close to bursting, a sharp pain steadily building as you struggled to take a full breath and keep on running. You could feel the sweat accumulating along your forehead despite the chill of the evening. There was a stitch in your side gradually turning into a painful cramp that made it hard for you to keep up your pace. Your legs were getting weak; your left shin felt like it was burning with every jolt from the pavement beneath you as you ran.

They had been chasing you for blocks now and you had never been the best runner, even if you’d had to learn back on Nightmare 1 just so you could survive. But with the added fence climbing you were doing trying to get some distance between you and them, you were quickly reaching your breaking point. You needed to stop and rest. You needed to find a safe space to get out of here and get them off of your trail.

Panting heavily, you abruptly turned and sprinted down the side of a house and towards the backyard. Your heart was hammering in your chest feeling like it was ready to beat right through your ribcage. Fear was building in you, a fear so strong that you were desperately trying to fight back down. If you didn't get your body under control you knew exactly what would happen soon. You would be pulled–and you definitely didn't want to be pulled. You needed to focus and calm down so you could jump. Fear would only make things worse.

"You can't hide from me girl!" they roared out.

They weren’t too far behind, you’d certainly been slowing down.

" Shit ," you whispered.

Your eyes scanned the backyard around you–there was a patio with a built-in firepit, a large outdoor dining area, and a pool. None of which would do you any good. Shifting your focus, you spotted the few large trees and a playset with a covered roof farther down the yard. Without hesitation you sprinted towards the playset, throwing yourself up the ladder rung after rung and wincing as it creaked unsteadily underneath your weight.

Please don't snap in half under me. Please don't snap in half under me.

When you reached the top you immediately crawled up against one of the wood walls, tucking your legs tight into your body. Forcing yourself to calm down, you inhaled sharply through your nose, held your breath, and then carefully exhaled as quietly as you could.

You heard their soft footsteps rustling through the grass and you hesitantly peered through a knot in the wood of the playset just beside you. They were standing in the dark yard, their eyes focused directly on the playset you were trying to hide inside. Your eyes snapped shut–you didn't have much time. You needed to go, needed to make a jump.

When you opened your eyes again, you tried to ignore the thunderous beating of your heart in your ears as you focused on the space before you. Concentrating hard, the shimmering threads of colorful light slowly shifted into focus.

"You can't hide forever, girl," they called out again.

You tried to ignore them, your eyes searching for the thread that you had always felt a slight draw towards, though lately it was getting harder and harder to find through the multitudes of universes. Home–that thread meant Home to you. Or at least lately it had become something like Home. You figured you’d jump there and then quickly find somewhere else to jump to lose them for good for a while.

"The others couldn't hide from me either," they told you, their voice closer.

Their words caused you to pause, momentarily distracted as the threads glittered before you, varying shades of colors and lights softly reflecting along your legs. In the distance you heard a crack of thunder roar through the sky.

"You’re not the only one, Serena," they continued, smug satisfaction in their tone. "And I know that's not your real name, girl."

Your head snapped to your left. They were standing at the bottom of the playset’s slide now, staring right at you through the dark with a menacing smile. The teeth of the young man they were currently possessing flashed at you like a warning. A terrified shiver ran down your spine at the sight.

"I always get them eventually," they called up to you. "Just like I'll get you."

Ice cold fear shot its way through your veins. Before you could control it, something was tugging sharply at your body. That horrifyingly familiar feel of cold hands gripping your shoulders and yanking you forcefully backwards hit you hard.

And then you were falling.

Your stomach felt like it was flying up into your throat, your organs shifting and squeezing unpleasantly inside of you as you were pulled–the second worst possible thing that could have happened to you in that moment.

Just as fast as it had started the sensation stopped. You landed hard on your knees along cracked pavement, wincing in pain at the rough drop. Your hands instinctively flew forward, scratching roughly along the broken cement as you tried to steady yourself on all fours. Panting hard, you looked up and surveyed your surroundings while hoping against all hope you weren’t where you thought you were. But your heart fell to the demolished road beside you the moment you took in the sight of the plant life overtaking the decrepit houses around you. Eyes closing, you tried to fight back the sting of tears.

Not here again.

A fresh wave of panic rolled through you as you quickly and quietly rose to your feet. It had been awhile since you’d been to this world, but you remembered exactly what you needed to do. You needed to be silent. You needed to remain calm. And you needed to get the fuck out of here as fast as you possibly could. Before one of those things found you. You just needed a second to catch your breath and scan your surroundings, to make sure you were safe and alone. Then you would find a safe universe and jump again.

That's it, you told yourself. Just calm down. I'll get out of here, I always do. Just need to stay calm.

You tried to take a steady breath, keeping your eyes open while you scanned the area around you. Carefully you expelled the breath as gently as you could, your eyes taking in the sight of the post-apocalyptic neighborhood before you. There was a gaping hole in the roof of the house just in front of you, the front door entirely missing. Both houses beside it had broken windows and ivy snaking its way up the front of them. The exterior paint had long since faded and the mailboxes out front were rusted and tipped to the side. But at least you didn't see any movement. As you observed your surroundings, you kept an ear out and listened to every single noise around you. For now, the soft whistle of wind through the copse of trees nearby was thankfully all you could hear. Everything else was quiet.

Good. Silence was good here. Silence met one of those things weren't about to jump out and try to savagely rip you to shreds and eat you like you were their last meal.

Or infect you.

Fuck, I hate this place.

Cautiously you made your way through the tall grass as it brushed against your skin, the soft swish of it hitting your ears. The overcast light from the sun sneaking through the cloud cover overhead was a sharp contrast to the dark night you'd just been running through moments ago.

Traveling through worlds was incredibly strange. It could be broad daylight in one place, but then you could jump and end up somewhere where it was pitch black seconds later. Same with the weather–it could be springtime somewhere, with birds chirping and flowers blooming, and then another moment you were landing in three feet of freezing cold snow in a pair of shorts.

Your concept of time was entirely fucked at this point.

Moving on the front of your feet, you tried to make as little sound as possible as you walked. It was difficult to catch your breath, trying in vain to keep your labored breathing steady and quiet after that chase you’d barely escaped. You just wanted to get your back against something solid and search the threads for a universe that felt safe to jump to. That was your focus right now.

You moved slowly, careful to be as soundless as you could and grimacing at the stains of old blood you saw splattered along the panels of the house as you walked. You crept your way gradually around to the side of the house, glad that it was windowless. Very carefully you turned, stepping backwards until your back hit the wall. At least nothing could sneak up behind you while you worked now.

With a sharp exhale through your nose you tried to focus on the space before you yet again. Gradually the threads of multiple universes appeared, shimmering in the overcast light of the day. This time there was a rush of blues and purples that came forward. You squinted, reaching two fingers tentatively out and trying to get a feel for a few threads of light.

Maybe you needed to find somewhere new. Somewhere that they wouldn't easily think to find you. But you hated finding new worlds. You never knew what you would be walking into every time you jumped. Though usually if you trusted your instincts you would end up in a world similar to your Home. Right now that's what you needed to find.

A noise came from not too far away, cutting through the silence. You froze instantly at the sound, your fingers holding onto a thread as your eyes darted to the side. And then the jarring, guttural, screeching noise that plagued your nightmares rang out through the trees nearby. The hair along your arms instantly rose, a prickling feeling growing at the base of your skull.

Your jaw clenched, your heart rate rising again. Time was up. You needed to get out of here now. You didn't need to encounter one of those again. You had nothing to fight it with and you sure as shit wouldn't manage to outrun it.

As the terrifying, rasping growl cut through the air around you yet again, you knew exactly what that sound meant from the time you’d spent here before. It was searching, probably having caught onto the fresh scent of the blood on your scraped hands. But before you could pull the thread of light between your fingers and jump, it disappeared. All of the colorful lights before you suddenly vanished.

"Shit," you whispered.

That loud, rasping roar reverberated through the air again and shot another spike of fear and adrenaline through you.

It had gotten closer.

As you turned, trying to remain calm, you prepared to hide in the house behind you. But that’s when you heard it. Something like a high-pitched shriek in response. There was a second one. And they were communicating with each other. You knew what that sound meant.

They knew something was here.

Pressing your lips tight together, you moved along the side of the house, keeping one shoulder against the panels as you crept along. Your eyes were darting all over the place, a feeling of unease washing over you in the sudden, eerie silence that had fallen. You knew they hadn’t gone. You knew they were hunting for you, slowly honing in on the scent of your bleeding palms and the sound of your footsteps.

Carefully you stepped up the decaying back porch steps, taking each step one at a time as you moved. On the third step the wood let out a loud creak and you flinched, sucking in your breath and holding it. A few seconds later you heard a low growl coming from a house over.

If you didn’t get the hell out of here soon, you’d be dead in minutes.

Biting down on your tongue, you bolted up the last step and sprinted into the house. You barely had time to register the layout of the house, your eyes spotting the kitchen before you ran straight towards it. Breathing a quiet sigh of relief when you spotted the dust-covered knife block on the counter, you threw out a hand and pulled out the biggest one. You’d at least try to take them out before you went down, even if your count for killing intelligent zombies was only at one.

You turned, wiping your bloody hand along the doorframe and smearing the blood before bolting over to the space beside the fridge, far away from the door. You pressed yourself flush to the wall and did your best to slow your panicked breaths.

This was where you needed to be silent. The zombies in this world–rotters as the survivors here called them–were fast. And they were incredibly smart, with a language they somehow understood between each other, one that had taken you a bit of time to learn. But the downfall of them was their eyesight. While they had amazing hearing and a decent sense of smell, it's like they were practically blind. So if you could remain absolutely still and silent, you could technically hide from them–though the blood on your hands might prove a problem.

Sure enough, it was only a moment before you heard the back door bang open, slamming into the wall. Your eyes closed as you gripped the knife tighter in your right hand. A wheezing sound met your ears, gradually growing louder as the rotter made its way towards the kitchen, its footfalls causing the floor to creak. A moment later you heard scratching just along the wall on the opposite side of the fridge. Swallowing hard, you held your breath. It was in the kitchen now, drawn to the scent of your blood you’d wiped along the doorframe hoping to confuse it.

A guttural, clicking sound echoed through the kitchen as it took a step further inside. Your eyes flew open, your heart jumping into your throat as you saw the half-decayed thing standing not seven feet away from where you were hiding. Its head slowly swept the room, momentarily pausing along the side of the fridge where you were hiding. Could it hear how loud your heart was racing? Did it smell the scent of your blood in the air?

Another high-pitched shriek came from somewhere outside of the house and the animated corpse’s head snapped to the side as it registered the call. Apparently the other one had found something.

Probably an animal, the poor fucking thing.

The rotter turned, hurrying out of the kitchen. A few seconds later you heard the back door slamming against the wall again as the thing left. You expelled the breath you’d been holding and tried to steady your hands. You needed to go now .

Concentrating harder than you ever had before, you willed the lights to appear. It took you a few tries before they finally did. With the only thought in your head a prayer that you didn’t land in a body of water, you yanked the blue thread of light in a rush and went barreling forward, your body feeling like it was being pulled from your navel this time. The familiar yet uncomfortable twisting of your insides commenced as you fell forward through lights and colors, feeling as if you were being momentarily squeezed through a small, tight space.

And then you were sliding along your side roughly across more pavement, your eyes closed tight. It took you a moment to realize the knife in your hand had sliced down the side of your arm when you’d fallen. Pain shot through you and you groaned, tossing the knife away from you. You hissed through your teeth, trying to push yourself upright along the pavement you had once again landed on.

“What the hell ?”

You paused on all fours, eyes going wide before your head whipped in the direction of the voice. Two young men were standing at the edge of what appeared to be an alley that you’d dropped into. One of them was visibly gaping at you, his long blonde hair reaching just past his shoulders. His own eyes were blown wide at the sight of you hunched over on the ground. Beside him, clutching onto one of his arms, was another man with shorter dark hair and a pair of dark glasses that seemed quite out of place considering how dark it was outside. But then your eyes dropped down to the cane in his left hand and you quickly pieced it together–he was blind. So while he most likely hadn’t just witnessed you appear out of nowhere, it seemed his friend might have.

Cradling your bleeding arm into your body, you fell back on your ass and scuttled backwards along the pavement until your back hit a wall. This was not what you needed right now. You’d dealt with far too much already.

“Did you just…just fucking appear out of thin air?” the blonde asked in awe, still visibly gawking at you at the end of the alley. “Or did I somehow drink that much tonight?”

“You’re drunk,” you called back, latching onto the first thing he gave you.

His eyes dropped down to where you were holding your arm before they shifted to the bloody knife on the ground. Beside him, you noticed his friend was quite intensely focused on you for someone who was blind and couldn't actually see you. Which would have made you suspicious if you didn't know they only ever possessed those who weren’t vision impaired.

“Whoa, hey, are you okay?” the blonde asked nervously. He pointed a finger at the knife on the ground. “Someone attack you? Or–”

“I’m fine,” you said firmly.

“You’re–you’re bleeding,” he pressed. “We should like call an ambulance or something. Get you to a hospital–”

“No hospitals!” you snapped, shaking your head. “I don’t do hospitals.”

“She’s bleeding?” his friend asked curiously.

“I said I’m fine ,” you growled.

The blonde ignored you, turning and focusing on his friend. “Yeah, she’s got a cut down her arm,” he told him. “Maybe we should call the police?”

Using the wall for support, you pulled yourself up to your feet, hissing out a breath as you did. Your body was spent after everything. You needed rest. You didn’t even know how long you’d been going for with all the jumping between worlds you’d been doing.

“I’m leaving,” you informed the pair. “Forget about me.”

Making your way down the alley towards them, you cradled your bleeding arm against your chest. You noticed the blonde shrink away from you as you neared, a look of unease on his face. He tried to pull his friend out of the way when he moved, but the dark haired man remained attempting to block your exit out of the alley.

“You’re injured, you should let us help you,” he said.

You glared back at him instantly, squaring your shoulders. “I said I’m fine. Back off,” you warned.

He didn’t move, his expression not even remotely wavering at the edge in your voice. And that only further irritated you.

“Let us help,” he offered calmly. “I’m quite good at stitching if your arm needs it. Just come with us back to our dorm and I can help you.”

"No," you growled, skirting around him.

A hand grabbed your shoulder and you immediately bristled at the unwanted contact, spinning on the spot and ripping your shoulder from his hold. You took a step back, placing a bit of distance between you and this stranger. He immediately raised his hand like he had meant no harm. Next to him, his blonde haired friend was openly staring at your bleeding arm, his lips slightly parted. You really did need to bandage it.

"Just let me help you, please," the dark haired man pleaded, his tone more insistent. "You can leave right after if you want. But…we were planning to order some pizza. If you're hungry."

Your eyes narrowed further back at him, scoffing loudly despite the way your stomach growled at the thought of food. It had been a bit since you'd last eaten and you were definitely hungry after all that running and multiverse jumping.

"I'm not some stray," you grumbled instead.

He shot you a placating smile, nodding his head slowly. "Of course, I wasn't trying to imply anything," he said gently. "But I mean, you are bleeding and my friend here said you just appeared out of thin air so–" he shrugged a shoulder casually, "–I am sort of curious now."

"Don't be," you replied quickly, taking another step back from the pair of them. "I'm not interesting."

"Well now I'm more interested," he teased, his lips pulling up higher at the corners.

You took another step back, heart rate accelerating before you inhaled a sharp breath, holding it and forcing yourself to calm back down. As if sensing he was only further making you want to run, the man took a cautious step towards you as if you really were a feral stray, the teasing expression quickly falling from his face.

"Please," he begged again. "Let us help. I just want to help."

"Why the hell do you so badly want to help a stranger?" you snapped, scanning him warily up and down.

"Let's just say I can sense when someone is in trouble," he answered softly. "And I just want to help. That's all. I swear." He extended a hand forward towards you very slowly as if he was afraid the gesture would spook you. "My name is Matthew, but you can call me Matt."

You flinched back from his outstretched hand, staring at it as if it would somehow suddenly brandish a knife at you. But of course no knife appeared in his large waiting palm. Your eyes carefully slid back up to his face, taking in what you could see of him with his glasses on. He was still smiling back at you, a genuine warmth on his face even if his friend seemed a bit suspicious beside him.

You stood there for a moment, hesitantly studying the man before you. For some reason you found yourself wanting to trust this stranger. It felt like something was almost drawing you towards him, making you want to accept his help. Which wasn’t something that happened often with you. Swallowing hard, you tried to push down your fears. He had to be safe at least, because they didn't possess the blind. And you did occasionally need to trust people in these different worlds you found yourself in just to get by and survive sometimes.

That's all this will be , you told yourself. Just a one time acceptance of help. And if they turn out to be bad guys, I’ll just jump again.

Carefully you reached out, placing your hand into his. He gripped yours firmly in response, entirely unaware of the amount of trust you had just given him.

"My name is Serena," you lied.

His head tilted curiously to the side for a moment, his brows twitching on his forehead briefly just above his glasses as his smile faltered just a fraction–but you’d caught the movement. And then he released your hand, smiling wider at you like that weird little moment hadn't happened.

"This is my friend Franklin, but I call him Foggy," he told you, gesturing a hand at the man beside him.

Your attention returned to the blonde as you raised a brow at the name. He waved nervously back at you, a tight smile on his face. Your lip pulled up into something between a sneer and a smile. You didn't really do the making friends thing.

"Let's get you back to our dorm," Matt said, grasping back onto his friend's arm. "It's only a few blocks from here. Then I can bandage your arm."

Matt and Foggy continued past you on the sidewalk, the blonde leading his friend. With a resigned sigh you cautiously followed a few steps behind the pair, listening as Matt and Foggy chattered on over the sounds of the city you’d found yourself in. Though you certainly noticed the way Foggy kept shooting you uncomfortable glances over his shoulder when he thought you weren't looking.

Not like you could blame him. Your clothes were worn and you probably looked like a dead tired mess. Plus, you were dressed for summer in dirty clothes you hadn’t changed out of in days, and it felt more like early spring here with the slight, cool breeze brushing over your exposed skin.

Keeping your distance behind the chatty pair, your eyes lingered on the back of Matt. You wondered why he’d been so adamant to help, and you wondered even more why he kept trying to draw you into their conversation, especially when you only responded with a rude grunt. If he minded your discourteous responses, he never showed it.

But you found yourself really wondering one thing on the entire walk back to their dorm. Why was it whenever you looked at this Matthew–who you’d just met–did you feel almost… safe with him? You'd never felt safe with anyone before. It was…odd.

#matt murdock x reader #matt murdock x you #daredevil x female reader #daredevil x reader #matt murdock series #matt murdock fic #matt murdock fanfic #matt murdock x fem reader

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rainparadefromhell · 1 year

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How Never Have I Ever Uses Music to Hint at the Future

I’ve always loved the way music tells a story, especially in movies and tv shows. These things usually go unnoticed unless you’re a college student trying to ignore homework on a Tuesday afternoon. I have been aware that NHIE has been whispering a secret story through its soundtrack for a while now but never had time to actually compile it into one monster of a post. So I’m doing it now!

This is where I try to convince you that the show has been hinting at Devi ending up with Ben all the way since season one. There are over 100 songs in the official soundtrack and of course, I can’t go through them all so I’ll just stick with the most important moments from all three seasons and lyrics that I think encapsulate the core message of the songs.

SEASON 1

The Pilot – Introductions

Paxton’s intro song (Dancing On My Own – Robyn) makes a lot of sense for both characters. It talks about trying hard to get someone’s attention and failing at it. It is a song with a dramatic, pulsating beat that plays over Paxton’s big entrance into Devi’s class.

I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her, oh

I'm right over here, why can't you see me? Oh

I'm giving it my all, but I'm not the girl you're taking home, ooh

I keep dancing on my own (I keep dancing on my own)

Ben is introduced with a softer melody (Rubia – Juan Wauters). It is in Spanish, a language I don’t speak as well so I won’t try to translate it but I will leave you with this Pitchfork review of it written by Steven Arroyo :

“Rubia” still succeeds wonderfully on these terms, a longing love letter to someone with a memorable nose in a far-away country…

Te guardo un lugar en mi corazon

No quiero irme, chequeo hora son

Me iré pensando que

Muy pronto contigo yo estaré

There is an important moment near the end of the episode when Devi goes to talk to Paxton (and asks him to have sex with her) in which Playing Games by Anna of the North plays.

I've been playing games with your heart

Left you thinking in the dark

Just to make you feel unsure

Then I know you want me more

This whole song is very interesting to me. The singer seems to describe a situation in which she has the upper hand in a relationship.

I’ve been playing games with your heart, so I know I’ve made my mark is a lyric I think perfectly shows Devi’s desire to enter a relationship. It is not because she actually likes Paxton. In fact, she doesn’t even know him yet. I think it tells of Devi’s reasons to have a boyfriend – to make a mark not just on him but the school, and her peers as well. She wants to stop being “invisible” as to somehow regain some power over her situation in s1 (the death of Mohan) as well as distract herself from it.

Episode 2

The song Dancing on The Limit (by Prizes) plays as Devi dreams of Paxton coming into her room to have sex with her. It is the first “love song” of Devi and Paxton which I find genius since it doesn’t actually depict reality.

I'm never gonna quit it

Back in love within a minute

We're dancing on the limit

But I love the way you're making me move

It is a fantasy, something Devi feels when she imagines what would be like to be Paxton’s girlfriend.

Episode 6

In Ben’s episode we get so much more insight into who he is, and not just that shell of an obnoxious overachiever he built for himself. We also get insight into his feelings for Devi when he is having dinner with the Vishwakumars where after choosing not to “nuke her back”, he actually has a fun time with her family as the song (Call Me by Sarah Rebecca) in the background goes :

Call me angel, I could save you

I want you, I want you, I want you, I want you, I want you

At the very end of the episode when Devi Venmos Ben so that he never has to “accept food from a pedo again” another love song can be heard (Lost – Boy Harsher).

I’m the one that holds you

In the middle of the night

I'm the one that wants you

Forever til we die

Episode 7

In this episode Devi and Paxton kiss for the first time to Fire For You by the Cannons which at first seems like a really sensual song… until you actually read the lyrics.

I could've died for you

How could you not know?

I was alive with you

But you brought in the cold

Was I being lied to? Wish I never met you

Started to regret you

Episode 10

Boys Like You - Kids at Midnight

We’ve reached my favorite NHIE song. I love the synths. I love the 80s vibe. I love everything about it (No wonder why that Malibu kiss got an MTV nomination).

Certainly the most interesting thing about this song playing during this scene is right as the camera lowers on Devi’s phone, we cut to Paxton leaving a voicemail with these lyrics in the background :

She said, "Boys like that should be in second place”

Now do with that what you will but this is the most intentionally placed lyric in season 1, in my opinion.

I know it hurts right now, one day you'll realise

There's no need to hide yourself from the world

All my life I've been hiding myself

Just waiting for a boy like you

SEASON 2

Episode 8

In the scene we see Devi apologize to Ben about the cheating when the song Up All Night by The Undercover Dream Lovers starts playing. The song is seemingly about second chances and not letting someone go. I thought the theme of driving was interesting considering Malibu.

Caught up on the freeway

You test my patience all the time

Find another exit, ooh

Blocking you from mine

Episode 9

Heat Waves – Glass Animals

During Paxton and Devi’s kiss Heat Waves plays and I have to admit the song as well as the scene are amazing. However, I’ve seen this song misunderstood by Daxton fans so much, probably due to the scene trending (mostly on TikTok where people enjoy quick content without much context).

The writer of the song, David Bayley says this about what it means, mentioning another song called Your Love : “They're both definitely two of the songs that are about relationships and sort of knowing that they're doomed,"

Bayley uses the term Heat Wave to represent an illusion of a highway mirage (the air that rises off asphalt on extremely hot days making it seem like the road is wet).

So the love that the writer describes is just like the heat waves – an illusion.

Now I gotta let you go

You'll be better off in someone new

I don't wanna be alone

You know it hurts me too

You look so broken when you cry

One more and then I say goodbye

Episode 10

GOLDEN – Running ; Ben comes into the girls bathroom to try and make Devi feel better after she is rejected by Paxton. As he is saying “When are you gonna to realize that that dick doesn’t deserve you” the lyrics playing are :

But I get these feelings

That I can't explain

It’s in my veins

being the underdog all the time

Hello Pongo – Summer Love

Another love song that plays when Ben and Devi see each other at the dance.

I've been lookin,

for you my summer love

forever summer love

Sam Smith – Love Goes

This song is – do you wanna guess? Not a love song. It is a sad one.

I hope you understand that I have to send you away

You may not understand, but I know that you will one day

You're broken, I know this

And if you knew it, you would love me a whole different way

But that's how love goes, goes

I also think it’s funny how just as Devi and Paxton are about to slow dance the DJ plays a different, more upbeat song which tells us they aren’t really that compatible with each other. They just never manage to catch that love song!

I wonder if season 4 brings us a Ben and Devi slow dance…

SEASON 3

Episode 1

Josha Daniel – Dream of You ; We finally get something close to a love song for Daxton in the first scene of season 3 even though it it pretty vague and repetitive.

We are never gonna waste our time again

I can't sleep when i dream of you

Ilo Ilo – Clementine ; Devi and Paxton almost have sex

Clementine

Trying to erase you from my spotless mind

Hit fast-forward but I'm stuck in rewind

Episode 3

Afternoon Bike Ride – Before The Fall ; Devi tells Nalini she and Paxton broke up

After an autumn of ends lеd to silence

Winters cloak covered the tracks of the tyrants

Spring couldn't bring on the promise of June

With no voice to sing and nothing to bloom

I found the mention of June interesting even if it wasn’t intentional because it almost seems like an answer to Heat waves (Sometimes, all I think about is you, Late nights in the middle of June).

Mel Blue – Finding You; Ben tells Fabiola Devi broke his heart

I lost you love

You lost you too

I lost myself

I’m finding you

Episode 5

Carla Morrison – Eres tú ; Ben and Devi say goodbye to each other after their bet at the coffeehouse

(I found a translation for this one)

Today I woke up wanting to kiss you

I have a thirst to caress you

Entangle myself with you and not let you go

You're so intoxicating

It's you

Episode 10

“Because I’ll miss you. A lot.”

“Wait. There’s the stomach knots.”

Jaguar Sun – Car Keys

Oh, how you've grown

Look back now

And move on

Don't worry, about a thing

Just grab those car keys

And drive into the rain

Another song involving cars, driving… I’m starting to think all of this makes sense! Also I love how the song mentions growth because Devi did grow so much in season 3.

Prinze George – Take off

Saw you in the living room

You were wild with light and I wanted you

Tried to do the woman thing

I was eager, young and abandoning

I would force you to love me

I would force you to stay

I would force you to love me

I would stand in your way

And you can't take off without me now

After Boys Like You this has to be my favorite NHIE song. It also has an 80s vibe to it and the two songs feel very much connected in my mind. The lyrics talk about standing in a lover’s way. Preventing them from leaving you and closing that chapter of their life.

I am still in your way

This lyric that appears later in the song shows that after everything that happened to them in season 4, they are still in each other’s way. They can’t forget about each other even after actively pursuing other people.

After analyzing so many songs, I really have to give credit to the show. Most of these were chosen so carefully to fit certain moments. You can really tell the show was made with a lot of intention and love, at least soundtrack wise.

As far as proving who the main couple (endgame couple, whatever you wanna call it) in season 4 is, to me that is pretty obvious even without the support of the soundtrack. I’m very curious about the songs we’ll get to hear in the new season and I also wonder if we will hear some old ones again.

Let me know what you think!

#never have i ever #never have i ever netflix #never have i ever season 4 #nhie #nhie s4 #nhie netflix #ben gross #devi vishwakumar #benvi #ben x devi #music analysis

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theswaggyrat · 1 year

Text

Savored Serenity

my once a year post <3 the ending is a lil rushed but will be fixed soon !!

Daryl Dixon x Fem!Reader // The Walking Dead cw ~ pining // s7 spoilers // subtle angst // fluff // unedited tw ~ mentions of the zombie apocalypse ofc // vulgar language plot - you hadn't had a moment alone with daryl after his escape from the savior's main base. finally, the two of you are given a bit of space a few days later at the kingdom.

Dust-stained air trickled into the small room where Daryl had been cooped up for the last couple of days; it was against every ideal the man had built for himself, but Rick refused to have it any other way. So Daryl took his ego and stuffed it down his throat to respect his leader's wishes.

"It's got to be you," Rick stated sternly, hands pressed against his hips as he gazed at his friend. "Morgan won't do it, and we both know Ezekiel won't hear through anyone else." His head shook softly and he pressed his lips together tightly.

"To hell with tha'," Daryl scoffed. He waved Rick off, falling against the comfort of his bed. "Ain't my job, shouldn' be my job." He tore his eyes away from Rick, staring at the wall behind his friend mindlessly. "I should be home. Ain't doin' shit here," he muttered, running a hand across his face.

"That's not true," you rebutted, arms folded over your chest as you stood off to the side. "You gotta be here. That's unchangeable and you know it." Daryl offered you no attention as he continued to watch the wall.

Rick squinted bitterly at the man, fixing his posture and straightening up. "You could be doing stuff. Get them on our side," he drawled. "That would be the most help we could have from anyone." Rick motioned, pointing around the room as if mentioning the many different possible recruits. He lingered awhile longer, waiting for an answer, before he eventually nodded his head and ambled his way outside.

Silence occupied the room not long after the door came to a complete stop, its echo quieting to nothingness. The only sounds were your soft breaths — er, and Daryl's ragged pants. He always had a weird way of expressing his discomfort; you emitted a quiet chuckle as you listened to him. Daryl's eyes flit to your figure at the sound of your laughter, and he synched his brows together grumpily.

"Somethin' you wanna say?" He prodded, interlacing his hands atop his tattered jeans. Your e/c orbs peered down at the man and your lips parted into a cheeky smile. Unfolding your arms, you strolled over to his bed and took a seat beside him, sinking into the mattress. His ashy, dirt-ridden scent filled the space in only seconds, reminding you of just how much you missed him; and how much you longed for him.

That smile suddenly downturned along with your eyebrows, creasing inwards as you engulfed him in a strong hug. Your arms shook something fierce as you finally pressed against him. The first time he had returned, you took your time hugging him — but it wasn't the same. People were waiting and things needed to be done. You had to be patient.

"Missed you."

Daryl grunted as he snaked his arms around your body, allowing his head to loll against your shoulder. "Me too. Tha' place was a livin' hell hole," he grumbled. You hummed softly, pressing your nose into the fabric of his shirt. His hair tickled your cheeks. "Don't like it here either."

You sighed, releasing yourself from his grasp as you spoke, "it's not our choice. We can't bring-"

His voice cut you off with a simple huff and he shook his head. "It ain't jus' that." He brought a hand to his stubble, which had grown since you had last seen him, and scratched it gingerly.

"Then what else?" You asked, cocking your head as you watched him swallow thickly. The breeze blew into the room with a quiet holler, prickling your skin with goosebumps.

"Mm, 's a lot else, tha's what," he quipped, a bereft sigh leaving the rough of his lips. You bit your tongue to keep yourself from dumbly remarking a statement that'd bring an unease to the conversation. Daryl looked more than tired, his eyes swollen with red and his eyebags sunken with a deprivation of energy; his bent posture was nothing less than normal, yet the slouch he gave made him seem wearier to the naked eye.

Shuffling about, you kicked off your mud-riddled boots and brought your knees into the comfort of the bed. Daryl eyed you curiously, not having the strength to question your actions. You continued, stretching your arms toward the ceiling as you laid back, hitting the bed with a soft thud. The mattress was oddly comfortable enough for a community so large. You didn't complain, indulging in the way it eased the tension in your muscles. A sigh escaped the parting of your lips, one that teased Daryl's ears to no end.

You gestured to the opposite side of the bed with your head. "Lay with me," you adjured. The sides of Daryl's eyes crinkled and he reluctantly listened, repeating your movements before laying beside you. Within mere moments, you found peace and safety beside the warmth radiating off of his skin; following the peace came a flood of confidence, expressed in the way that you reached for his hand. Daryl tensed momentarily, the touch of your skin unexpected. When you intertwined your fingers with his large, clammy, calloused ones, he relaxed. "Tired?"

"Mmh," he answered, his voice a soft sort of gruff.

The feeling of his skin against your own struck you with sudden waves of emotion, causing you to wince. Daryl's head turned to yours at once, a frown settling upon his dreary features. "y/n? wha's the matter?"

"I don't- I can't think of it," you whispered, crinkling the bridge of your nose up. "But I can't not think of it. If you were with the Saviors any longer, Daryl. God, you're strong, I know. Doesn't mean you'll be saved." Your eyes glossed over, and Daryl was quick to wipe any tears led astray with his free hand. "It's stupid to think this way, but I can't help it."

Daryl turned his body toward you, squeezing your hand. He was no good at comforting anyone, especially you, but offered an audience instead. "Nah, 's not stupid," he stated simply. You found his hand near your cheek and pressed it down, turning yourself to gaze at his deep blue eyes.

"I was just scared," you mumbled. The man's lips curved into a soft smile, one you had not seen in quite some time, and he scooted himself closer. The hand on your cheek caressed it tenderly, soothing you of your fears.

Instinctively, you leaned forward. Chapped lips met your own, pressing against your lips gently. Then deeper, applying enough pressure to cause the blood to swell; and if not the blood, then it must be your heart at least, skipping about as you sighed gratefully. His taste burned your lips. You yearned for more. His hand squeezed your own once again before he pulled away, his chest heaving greatly.

Daryl brushed a few stray wisps of hair from your face with the back of his hand, revealing the beauty he had been waiting for. "Couldn't have ya or see ya," he admitted breathlessly. With dilated pupils, you shook your head as if you hadn't heard him properly. "Can't do tha' here either. Missed ya too."

Your eyes fluttered shut as you drew closer to Daryl, pressing your temple against his. "Then hold me and get a good night's rest, D. You need it." And that's exactly what he did, draping his arm over you; indulging in your fragrance and touch; closing his eyes and relaxing beside you.

Massaging his hand with the pad of your thumb, you whispered with one last breath of assurance, "I'll be here when you wake up."

#daryl dixon #daryl #daryl dixon x reader #twd #the walking dead #zombie #zombie apocalypse #the walking dead x reader #reader #xreader #x reader #twd x reader #imagine #romance #fluff #daryl dixon imagine #blurb

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yardofangels · 5 months

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Hi Iris! I just wanted to ask if you had any general head canons about König (your AU or just in general) that you’d want to share? Anything about his upbringing, love language, unhealed trauma ect. that you’d want to divulge? Also I absolutely love your writing. The way you write König is definitely one of my fav interpretations of his character.

OMGGGGGG IVE BEEN W A I T I N G FOR SOMEONE TO ASK ME ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM SO EXCITED YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND OSPDHVWEVNJWEGOH

thank you sm for your words!! im so flattered <333

for this one its going to be headcanons for my AU of könig. hope you enjoy!!

tw for implied verbal and emotional abuse, bullying, negative self-talk, mentions of locker-room talk, violence, and implied manipulation below the cut!!

könig's flaws and love language have a lot to do with his upbringing. don't get me wrong, it wasn't like what he'd heard of ghost's upbringing. könig had adequate food and shelter, and his parents never blatantly mistreated him. he was never kicked, or hit, never had things thrown at him; nothing was ever wildly hurtful.

but what he had suffered built up over the course of 17 years and had impacts that lasted much longer. shit that he's still trying (not) to work through today. shit that stayed deep within his psyche, that he came back to every time he failed and shit that whispered down his neck, telling him to push himself further.

from the outside looking in, he came from an entirely normal family. his mama and papa loved each other. they went to church every sunday, and beamed when people complimented how tall their boy was getting. könig was spoiled because he was an only child and never had to share the attention. he excelled greatly in the subjects of mathematics and science from the time he was 8 and received recognition for this at school.

but the outside never gets to see how bad you're hurting, does it?

he'll never forget the way his mother straightened his collar, scolding him centimetres away from his face, reminding him that if he gets anything less than a 19/20 on the upcoming test, he'll have no hope of being anything to them.

he still can't seem to shake the look on his father's face when his mother ranted and raved about how könig had tarnished their entire reputation by questioning the teacher's authority, how he was a disgraceful and humiliating child. the way his papa's bushy eyebrows pinched, and he ran a hand over his buzzed hair. the look that screamed 'if i say anything, she'll attack me too.'

none of it was loud. everything his mama ever did to him was only ever alluding to him being the worst thing she had ever done. it was the words, the mind games, and the inability to fight back. he was trapped as a youth. trapped in a household that yelled 'i love you', and whispered 'but only when you are my projection of what you should be.'

of course, it didn't stop there, either. he was torn into relentlessly at school, too. it was much like his home life, except with the added bonus of being thrown into trees and having his face dunked under sinks for extended periods of time.

y'know, typical kid stuff.

they grabbed at anything they could with him. his love of space, his braces (that never really did much to help his teeth in the end), his height, his size, his stutter. all of it. anything that indicated that he was different to the rest of the population was like a big, red target on his back.

what they did at school further cemented in his brain what he learnt at home.

you are worth nothing. you contribute nothing. you are nothing. all you are is an outsider. all you can be is an outsider. you are not attractive. you are not talented. you offer nothing. you are nothing.

this treatment from ages 0-17 is what led to his deeper flaws emerging from 17-25. his frequently infrequent contact with his mother and father, his tendency to distance himself from the other cadets, his daydreams of violence.

he didn't like crying. it sent memories of sobbing in the PE closet and into his pillow flooding back. he preferred to push it down, ignore it, and forget it happened. he would much rather be the first one out at target practice.

he still stuttered. so, he stopped talking. he resorted to closing his mouth, to wearing a bandana, to wearing a balaclava, to wearing his t-shirt. he liked fading into the background, even though his build wouldn't ever really allow it. he hated socialising. at first it was because it made him so nervous (it still does, but he won't admit that). he couldn't find the right words to make himself likable. after a while, he came to resent it. why was everyone else able to pick it up with such ease, but not him? where was the fairness in that? he eventually stopped seeing much point in speaking up more than necessary.

and girls never took interest in him during high school, so he didn't expect them to now. he was never upset with the women, he wouldn't blame them if they wanted nothing to do with him. it was his fellow cadets that drove him insane. talking of a new bird every day, objectifying them, degrading them. part of him wanted to join in; share this bond they seemingly had, talk about his own girl he used up. they made it sound so good. but a bigger part of him was wildly jealous and horrifyingly enraged at what they could say at times. it filled him with a fire that he couldn't quite understand.

this didn't stop him from a go on the local barrack bunny here and there. just to prove to himself that he wasn't entirely devoid of feeling.

he couldn't really pinpoint when the violence arose in him. it just. appeared to him one day. he realised while standing over another limp body that he'd killed someone and enjoyed it. that he'd taken their power away, just like his mother had done to him. his mother who had now disowned him for staying in the army for so long. his mother he wanted to destroy. his mother whom he could never destroy, so he destroys others instead.

eventually, he started pushing the limits everywhere he went. the more settled he got in himself as a man, the more he acted out. this is what landed him in jail. his rash decisions, his anger, his lack of all other emotion. it was eating away at him behind those bars, and he itched to take it further.

that itch only got stronger when he met you. you, who he now had to protect. you, who he saw meaning in. you, who saved him from being consumed by his darkness.

könig doesn't love in a particularly healthy way. i mean, i think that isn't too surprising given what he went through and subsequently put himself through. he loves possessively, he loves obsessively, he loves as if there is nothing else in the world but you and him.

to him, love has no definition. it has no 'right and wrong' other than hurting the person you love. if he has to hide something from you, it's because he doesn't want to lose you. if he has to use his words to twist your mind, it's so you never lose sight of him. if he has to protect you from the world, by any means necessary, it's worth it. if it's you, it's worth it.

he sees no problem in doing morally grey, or even impure things if it means you stay with him. after all, he loves you. you wouldn't deny him, would you? don't you love him too?

he knows it'll never get to the stage where you question him, though. he can see you are wholly dedicated to him. it's only more fuel to him being able to do what he wants to you. he knows if you were aware, you'd like it.

in terms of love languages, könig's biggest is physical touch. he just loves that skin-to-skin contact with you. he loves how much bigger he is compared to you, he loves wrapping himself around you, to the point where it almost looks like you two are one entity. you're just so soft and warm; he can't ever get enough of, in some way, having your skin on his.

aside from that, you'll often find that he shows his love in acts of service. anything from sweeping the kitchen to building a house, if he can serve you or protect you, he'll do it. he's unsure where this tendency came from in him. he just enjoys keeping busy.

he particularly appreciates words of affirmation from you. something he never really received growing up. he would never ask you to praise him, never even admit that he likes it. but when you slip the occasional 'you're so good to me, baby' or 'this is wonderful, you did amazing', he melts. he's a sucker for being told he's good enough, or that he did well.

könig sure as hell isn't perfect, but he's working on being better for you. he's doing what he can to make sure you never see the vulnerable child in him. the wrathful teenager. the uncaring man. he wants you to have the best of him.

and you do, because you bring it out in him naturally.

-------

yeah!! that's it!!! i tried desperately to not talk to much but there's just so much to say. so many things that this post could lead to.

thank you so much for reading this far!! pls reblog if you like it, and send in more requests!! it makes my day!!!

#irisintothevoid #irispenandpaper #iris answers #call of duty mw2 #mw2 #konig call of duty #konig cod #konig x reader #konig imagine #thats right i said it konig has mummy issues #he is also extremely so obviously autistic #i think he also has daddy issues but to a lesser extent #his dad never did anything to directly hurt him but was a bystander in it #so much here #ily tho!

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