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inkabelledesigns · 7 months

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I know I'm posting a day late here, but Happy Birthday Bendy! February 10th, 2024 marks the 7 year anniversary of when Bendy and the Ink Machine came out. And boy, has it been a wild ride. Normally I would reserve this for my Bendy sideblog, @angelofthepage , but I'm posting it here because this is where I started years ago, and I want some of those people who don't see that blog to have a chance to see this. Because you guys are a part of this story.

In about three months, seven years ago, I was in finals hell, working through my process book for my packaging design class in one of the dorm lounges while my roommate had taken the room for herself again. And the only thing keeping me sane was putting Can't Be Erased and Build Our Machine on loop as I worked. BATIM only had two chapters out, and I didn't know everything about it, but I was so intrigued by what its deal was. I took one look at Sammy Lawrence and I wanted to know everything about him. Something about this barely started game, the idea of your characters coming to life to kill you, it thrilled me, intrigued me. It was something I was really afraid of, being so attached to my characters and putting so much of my identity in my art. And while the story isn't really all that much about cartoons themselves being alive, it gave me something else that ended up changing my life.

Over that summer, I would become obsessed, and for the first time in years, I let myself be a fangirl again. And maybe one day I'll pull up the timeline and tell you how it all went down. But right now, after all the celebrating of yesterday, I just wanna take a moment to appreciate the last seven years. All the people I've met, all the friends I've made. All the experiences we've had together, big and small. Some have been incredibly close, and others have been people I still smile about whenever I see them on my feed, even if we're not all doing stuff in the same fandom anymore. There's some people I've fallen out of touch with that I likely won't ever see again that I miss. There's some I'll be lucky if I never see again. There's the official voice actors for Dark Revival, which I've had the pleasure of working with on community things here in the fandom. I regularly moderate their livestreams (or Lovestreams as we call them) where they sign prints and interact with us fans (and sometimes I'm tech support, once an ink machine technician, always an ink machine technician xD). I'm honored to call a lot of them my friends, we've had some truly wonderful conversations. I've spent a lot of time in a variety of servers, trying to uplift people and make for a positive fandom experience for everyone, fans old and new. Sometimes it lands me in interesting places, like helping out over on the Inky News channel. The host, Brandon, invited me over to guest star on his anniversary stream yesterday, and in the past I've been fortunate enough to showcase my art on two of his interviews, one with Dave Rivas and one with Adrienne Kress. Sometimes it lands me on fun projects, like working on a fan game, and for the first time it's not as a voice actor! I'm a writer. I've had my work uplifted in turn too, meeting people who value me for me and also cheer me on when I try new things (sometimes entirely new mediums like doll customizing). I got my first helpful constructive critique in this fandom, and it was something I ASKED for. That is a huge personal milestone! I have a really complex and twisty set of feelings about critique, and finally, I feel better, because someone helped me start to unravel that just by being themselves and being thoughtful. It's inspired me to want to be better in how I handle critique and problem solving with others.

I spent so much of my life putting my self worth in other people's hands. I thought I would never be good enough to have friends who didn't treat me like garbage. I thought I'd never be a good artist in any sense of the word either. But I was wrong. I've grown. I'm valued, I'm wanted. I don't have to hide parts of myself to be desirable. Sometimes being the silly, goofy, fangirl that is Kat is enough. My art is enough, my ideas are enough, my flavor is tasty, and I am a goddamn treat. And after so many years of not knowing that, I'm glad I finally do. And it's all because of the people. It wasn't ever that my flavor was bad, it's that I hadn't found people with a taste for it yet. Bendy's greatest gift was giving me a fresh start, a chance to meet new people, good people, and for that, I'm forever grateful. Even though things have changed, I'm glad I met each and every one of you, you all taught me something valuable along the way, and I think about those experiences we shared often.

I won't lie to you, I've been rather frustrated with Bendy lately. And I think a lot of it has to do with the games not truly having grown with me. At some point our paths deviated, and there are elements of what's come and what's coming that are getting away from what really enticed me about the very first entry, the things I valued most in it. But in some ways, analyzing that has led me to figure out what made that first game so special. It was human. It was a character focused game, and each of the characters, while vague, gave us just enough about themselves that we could feel for them, get invested, imagine, maybe even sympathize. Everyone is a tragedy, but they're all different flavors of tragedy. And it was seeing people explore that, seeing people write these characters in ways that were so human, that really built a connection. For some people, Bendy is another indie horror experience. For others, it's something to indulge in that hits hard on a personal level. In many ways, it attracts a lot of us who feel like misfits. It's many things. But to me, the magic was in the people. The people in this universe, and the people in its real world community.

It has solidified my belief that people should play with fiction however they want, no matter how far it deviates from the canon, no matter how weird it is. Go be interpretive, go tell your story, go be free to make what speaks to you! (All I ask is that you're thoughtful about tagging it so people can make smart choices about engaging with it.) All stories are worth telling. Even if no one gets into it, having told it makes a difference.

Whether you're someone who's been there from the beginning, or someone that's new to Bendy, I hope you're all having fun. Whether you've finished exploring the world or you've just begun, I hope you've found something valuable. Thank you, for coming along for the ride. Here's to many more fun experiences and stories, be they official or be they in the fandom. Happy Bendyversary!

#long post #bendy and the ink machine #batim #bendyversary #personal thoughts #bendy

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sirfrogsworth · 1 year

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I'm still slumping 2 weeks after my last movie outing.

I've been reconsidering going to movies as my way to escape the house.

It requires about 40 minutes of driving plus 2.5 hours at the theater. It's just too much time upright for me. And I feel the consequences are only worth maybe once a month. Once a week was too much. Though I feel like I still need to get out of the house more than once a month to keep sane.

My other idea was to take little photography trips. I could find a location that might make for some cool photos. I can limit myself to 30 minutes or something. And then I head home.

It's possible I might be getting some backpay if my disability increase is approved. I'm probably going to save most of it. But I am considering getting myself something that I normally wouldn't be able to. I miss photography almost more than regularly making comedy. So maybe I'll get a nice camera and a lens.

I've always had to get mid level APS-C cameras. They were the best I could afford. Which were great and I was able to get professional results. Some people think if you get a better camera your photos will magically be better. But better cameras do not automatically give you better image quality. They make it *easier* to get better image quality, especially in challenging circumstances.

For instance, on a fancy camera with really good sensor stabilization, you can take photos in dark environments without a tripod. That is a huge convenience, especially for a disabled photographer.

Or eye-tracking autofocus can assure you get perfect focus on every shot. I used to have to take dozens of extra photos for safety because it was difficult to check focus on that tiny screen. That added a lot of time to my sessions. Now I could take fewer pictures which helps save time while photographing but also at home when I am editing.

A bigger sensor makes it easier to get background blur and you can be closer to your subject in cramped spaces. And you don't need expensive prime lenses to get the same blur as an f/2.8 or whatever. So I can have smaller, lighter, and more affordable lenses that achieve similar quality.

So a better camera doesn't make you a better photographer. It is more like changing a video game's difficulty from hard to medium.

The only bummer is that I loved working with artificial lighting. That was an art form on its own. Shaping light was so fascinating and the resulting images just looked unreal. But it requires a ton of extra time and energy. So I will probably have to become a natural light photographer. But that presents a lot of fun challenges too. There is no photography I don't love, so I'll be okay. I just miss my lights.

I may not be able to afford a new fun thing at all. So I am not getting my hopes up or anything. But if I could do photography again and improve my mental health, I think that might be a worthy investment.

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morlocklesstalk · 5 months

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The Being a Bitch Amnesty Sphere

My wife and I have been working on a lot of things in our shared and private mental health. Something we have bumped our heads against more than a few times is the idea that being a perfectly controlled, kind, and rational person is difficult to do 100% of the time. We have both tried very hard to do it, and she is much better at it than I am because she is still so so nice I have recently begun my "go ape shit" era. A lot of the time, we spend most of a talk talking about how what we are feeling is irrational or unreasonable or imperfect, and how the sane healthy thing to do is to examine our feelings and our reactions to things and understand ourselves better therefore. Real Buddha nature type shit, and its fucking exhausting. But like, you gotta do it, right? You gotta keep trying to be a good person, and you can't always trust how you feel to be an accurate, fair, and just motivator. Enter the "Being a Bitch Amnesty Sphere", a gesture I have devised to allow one to have a little break from the pursuit of rational and moral living. By making a little sphere with our hands, we signal to one another that what we are about to say is just being churned up by our emotional guts, and hasn't yet been examined and filtered. It is not an endorsed feeling, but it is a feeling that has arisen, and it needs to get out so we can process it.

Some Examples of the Being a Bitch Amnesty Sphere in action

Me: performs gesture: FUCK, my sister is such a bitch dude. Evaluated later as: I am sensitive to certain conversational strategies, and in a recent conversation my sister said some stuff that hurt me and made me feel like I couldn't advocate for myself. Wife: performs gesture: Dog, your entire family needs to go to fucking therapy. Evaluated later as: I think there is a lot of unspoken and unprocessed trauma in your relationship with your family. I love them dearly, and I know you do too. I am sorry for the times when I have foist an entire family's worth of mental health development onto you. I do not hold you accountable for their growth. But why do these sentiments need to be shared at all? Can't we just journal them down and then rip up the paper like a normal, sane, healthy person (because destroying an effigy of your feelings is totally a healthy response to negative emotions :) )? Its like when you have a chest cold and you cough into a tissue, you're 90% sure its just gross waste product, but you look at the gross for a second to make sure it isn't something worse than what you thought it was, and then you chuck it in the trash because you want to get the gross out of your body.

#personal

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xoxoemynn · 7 months

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I'm glad you feel at least a teensy bit better after sleeping. I feel pretty out of it. I've had a few weeks of ups and downs that have left me pretty exhausted before this news.

I hope you don't mind me leaving a message here. I've never been part of the fandom community, just outside of it, so I'm not even really feeling the 'at least we still have each other' sentiment. Ofmd helped me revive my creativity after years of not creating anything when I used to do so much. I'm still slower at it than I used to be, but it's a start. It's something.

Ofmd gave me the strength to come out at work, to be myself in most parts of my life rather than just carefully cultivated moments. I've found strength I never knew I had. Ffs I'm doing diversity training information stuff now??

I feels good. Feels great. And I really don't think it was a long shot to think that a successful, critically acclaimed show would get rescued. (I did wonder if making it very clear how valuable it was made HBO have an insane asking price but I hope not)

And I know s2 ended neatly (thank god) but I was so on board with Jenkins' view of "the will-they-won't-they is the least interesting part of a romance". Because you never see the payoff! It's just oh they're together now, the end, and you don't get to experience the characters as a couple. The story was the development of Ed and Stede's relationship, and a 3rd part would have given us the full scope of that.. *sigh

Idk I guess I'm just at a bit of a loss. Feeling empty. I was already struggling posting my work, or thinking how to adjust how I do it, because I don't feel its good enough for this fandom (which in my very limited experience feels very clique-y? If you're not in with the cool kids then no one cares and I'm too old for this!) It's all a bit "what's the point" I guess. I expect it'll pass but aaa, man. Y’know. Rant over, thanks for reading ^^'

The deepest of sighs, the tightest of hugs.

I feel you. Starting work today with swollen eyes and a tired heart. It sucks. This all just really sucks. And yes, I'm so grateful we got the show at all, I'm so grateful for the cast/crew, I'm so grateful for this fandom and the friends I made along the way. But this show, that did EVERYTHING RIGHT, ended before its time. And there's no getting around that just really, really sucks.

You're right, I don't think it was ridiculous to believe our renewal efforts might be successful. Because it SHOULD have been! It was a beautiful show with a passionate fan base that was also viewed very favorably by critics. In any sane world, OFMD's renewal would have been a given. And it's not silly or stupid to hope for good things to happen in a world where so often good things don't. The solution to the world being a shit show isn't to just bow our heads and accept it. It's to keep hope alive because yes, it might turn out different this time! Beautiful things deserve to be cherished, and that's what we did and will continue to do with OFMD. OFMD wasn't canceled due to a lack of love. It was corporate greed, pure and simple, and unfortunately that's a really difficult evil to fight against. But we still gave it our all, and people and the industry took note. That's no small feat.

And the show did so much for all of us! I'm so happy it gave you the strength to come out at work and live more in your authentic self. That's huge! That's the power of good art. And that's something studio heads can never take into account while they plug figures into their calculators and huff and puff about the numbers not being there.

I do hope you'll post your work, and share whatever you feel comfortable sharing. We really are of all skill levels here, and I've found genuine love of the show/its characters > the most technically well-written fic on the planet. I do hear what you say about it feeling cliquey, but for what it's worth, I also think it's very welcoming to newcomers? I realize that sounds like a contradiction. But I do think people have just kind of naturally formed little social circles of their friends and it can feel hard to break into, especially if you're an introvert like me. But I think if you start just getting in people's inboxes or reblogging with tags that show your personality/opinions/whatever, you'll start naturally forming those groups on your own. I'd also really recommend the OFMD Fic Club server if you're trying to get the courage to start posting your own work. It's a really supportive community there of people who've been posting for decades, as well as those who are just beginning to plan their very first fic.

Anyway, this is getting long and rambling so I'll end it here, but please know I'm sending you SO much love. It sucks right now but we'll get through it. And my DMs are open if you ever just want to chat. 💕

#ask #Anonymous #also the DM offer is open to everybody #I may be slow but I'll respond #I know fandom can feel cliquey but there's no reason for that #*Stede voice* I'M your friend!#(also if you have discord I'm much better at DMs over there bc tumblr is the worst)#(BUT I'd prefer the first message be out of tumblr just bc I get so many bot requests at discord lol)#(don't want to accidentally delete you)#ANYWAY LOVE YOU #ofmd

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modern-day-bard · 8 months

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Worth The Feeling

Content Warning: 18+

This story includes explicit smut, intimidation, and an age gap relationship (MC is 26, Javi is in his 40s). Minors, do not interact.

Chapter 5:

"Anna, you should have seen the size of my cheeks!" Emma gushes, much to the makeup artist's dismay. "I mean seriously, I was so swollen and I couldn't even swallow. Who knew they put mustard in wasabi?" Sophie, the makeup artist, and I exchange a knowing look.

"Well I'm glad you're alright Emma. It's good to have you back. Now do you have any questions on the directions I got from Naomi? She should be on the set with you both today but Lloyd wants to roll directly into shooting."

"Oh I got it. Look for the tape on the floor, hands on chest, hit the desk, yada yada yada. This one is easy. Fade-to-blacks are way less intense," Emma waves her hand dismissively.

Yeah, way less intense. When Emma is all set in hair and makeup, I escort her to the soundstage before making myself as scarce as possible. I've been in the room during an intimate scene once before, and I don't remember most of it. I was too busy making a mental to-do list. But something about seeing Emma in the same position I had been in yesterday makes me feel uneasy. I radio Dwayne to see where else I can make myself useful.

"You're all good, Ava. They're going to break after for lunch so you may as well hang tight there so you can run errands for Lloyd if he needs anything." I clench my jaw hearing his response.

"Copy. Thanks, Dwayne." I try not to sound as irritated as I feel. I simply don't want to watch this.

"Hey babes," Lana appears next to me, giving my arm a gentle squeeze.

Obviously I called her last night to debrief. She was busy laying sound mats on the ground in another part of the studio during yesterday's escapades, otherwise I wouldn't have heard the end of it. As if my own thoughts last night weren't enough to keep me awake. I actually still hadn't Googled him, but I could tell he was older than me. Definitely more experienced than I was. And, I mean, he's a movie star. Granted I might not have recognized him, but still. I was starting to feel like I was back in school, crushing on the popular boy who didn't know I existed. I didn't like that feeling then, and I detested it now.

I told Lana all the details, knowing that she would have tortured them out of me one way or another. But as giddy as she had been last night hearing everything, I could tell she knew I didn't want to be here right now.

"Hey," I give her a small smile. "Everyone mic'd up and ready to go?" I feel like talking about work-related issues will make this weird feeling go away.

"They're ready," She leans in a little closer, "But are you?"

"I'm fine. These things are always awkward, you know?"

Lana gives me a look that lets me know she isn't buying my nonchalant act.

"Quiet on set!" Lloyd yells at the top of his lungs. Not exactly necessary, but definitely a very Lloyd thing to do. "Places!" Javi positions himself in the doorframe, just like yesterday. Only now his hands are on Emma's back. Her bare back, as I now realize just how short her backless dress is.

"Aaaand, roll camera. Action!"

I feel my body tense up. I think any sane person would look away, but this feels like a car wreck created purposefully to toy with my early on-set jealousy, and I can't look anywhere but that fake hotel room.

But then, my jealousy is put on the back-burner when I see Javi truly devour Emma. I'm shocked she can even stay standing. His hands are everywhere, not just on her back like they were with me yesterday. He's kissing her everywhere, too. Her neck, eyelids, forehead, and the way he attacks her lips... I feel as though I can't breathe. When he backs her up against the wall, Emma remembers to arch her back like I instructed, but now Javi slips his thigh in between her legs. Something he didn't do yesterday, I can feel a heat beginning to pool in my belly, trickling its way toward my–

"Hot damn, he's good." Lana whispers next to me. I blink rapidly, as if trying to wake up to the present moment. All I can do is nod.

"More noise, both of you!" Lloyd barks. As soon as he does, Javi lets out a groan that makes my knees weak.

The pair make their way to the desk, wreaking the same amount of havoc on my emotions and libido before moving their way to the bed.

"Tell me you missed me." Javi demands of Emma, beginning to crawl over her. His expression is just as serious as yesterday, and his vocal register is dangerously low.

Holy. God. I didn't read the pages for today's scene, and I'm not even sure if that was improv or not.

"I missed you," Emma whines as Javi hovers over her. He kisses her lips lightly before dragging one of his large hands down her torso.

"The problem, my darling, is I don't quite believe you," Javi kisses her neck before speaking directly in her ear, "You're going to have to tell me again. Louder this time."

Javi slips his hand in between her legs and Emma arches her back off the bed, sighing.

"Cut!" Lloyd yells, causing me to take several much-needed deep breaths.

"Good job you two. Reset, we're going to do another take. This time, more noise from the beginning."

I cannot watch that again. The mixture of jealousy and heat in my stomach is too much to bear.

"Lana, I need to go on a walk." I whisper.

"You can't. The red light is on, you're not supposed to–"

"I know," I say, already heading toward the door. I go out the side entrance, ignoring the dirty looks of at least five crew members. I know that it might be dramatic, but I hate how envious I am of Emma's position. It's ridiculous. How long have I known this man? A couple of weeks? We made a few jokes, stood close together for a few minutes and now I'm jealous of his co-star? I really do need to walk this off.

- - -

I'm on my fourth loop around the wardrobe trailer when Dwayne, the Key-PA, radios my walkie.

"Ava, we need you back to soundstage one."

"Copy. What for?" I really hope they are almost done by now.

"Gutierrez asked for an escort again. We're about to break for lunch."

Dammit. "Copy. On my way back."

I enter the building, and to my pleasant surprise, they're not in the middle of taping. Javi, Naomi, and Emma are chatting in the middle of the set.

"Alright folks, that's lunch." Lloyd announces.

I take that as my cue to jog up to the stage.

"Oh, Anna! Thanks for the tips. It made taping a breeze." Emma says, tossing her long blonde hair over her shoulder.

I smile at her. "I'm glad I could help Emm–"

"Her name is Ava. Not Anna." Javi said, glancing Emma's way.

"Oh," Emma looks surprised, "I didn't realize, sorry Anna. A-Ava."

"Ready for lunch?" Javi asks me, stepping away from Naomi and Emma. We're walking off the stage before I can reply.

"How are you?" Javi asks, holding the door for me to step out into the bright light. The mundane question catches me off guard.

"I'm alright, thanks. How are you?"

"I saw you disappear for a bit. I wasn't sure if you were feeling well. You looked sort of..." he trails off.

When did he even have a chance to see me leave?

"Oh, no I just had some other stuff to do around set. I can get a lot done when you all are taping."

"Ahh." Javi nods, but his expression doesn't seem fully convinced. "Didn't care to watch the end of the scene, huh?" He definitely wasn't convinced. I'm not the one with the acting chops.

"No, I just already know how it ends," I point out, "Though I didn't know the lines. That took me by surprise."

I probably shouldn't have said that. I'm not sure if it in any way implied how I had been feeling.

"What did you think?" We're almost at his trailer now, but his tone seemed genuinely interested in my feedback.

"It was...convincing." That seemed like the right choice of words. I think.

"Mmm." He muses. "It didn't feel as convincing as I wanted it to."

"How so?" I can't help but ask.

"It's difficult to explain. Sometimes it's simply the chemistry. It doesn't pan out the way you want it to."

"The chemistry seemed pretty palpable to me." Ouch, my tone was a lot harsher than I intended.

We've arrived at his trailer, and instead of walking up the steps, he just turns and looks at me for a long moment. I try not to fidget. He looks as though he's deliberating something.

"Sometimes the chemistry is stronger with someone else," he glances down at my lips, "it makes it difficult to feel successful during the takes with the new partner."

I gulp. Is he implying what I think he is implying? Or am I so warped from these newfound feelings that I'm orchestrating this in my head? Best to err on the side of caution.

"Can you let me know if your food has arrived? If not, I can grab something from crafty for you."

Javi takes a step back, looking at me with a new curiosity. He looks like he's going to say something, but he just walks up the steps to his trailer and peaks inside.

"Yes, it's here," he pauses before continuing, "I actually ordered two this time. I was hoping to keep my fries to myself." He smirks.

"Oh. You wanted me to eat with you again?"

He shrugs. "I told you. I like the company. If you have other things to do though, don't let me keep you."

We haven't eaten together since I escorted him back to his trailer almost two weeks ago. I haven't even been asked to escort him since then. I have too many thoughts running around in my head, and being in his presence is only complicating things.

"That's kind of you, but I do have work to do. I'm sorry." The fact that I did actually have work I could be doing made this lie a lot easier to sell.

His face falls, and I regret my decision immediately.

"Give us a call if you need an escort back to the soundstage, though. I'd be happy to walk you." I smile, hoping to soften the blow.

To my surprise, Javi takes the three steps back down from the trailer until he is standing in front of me again. Looming in front of me is more like it.

"Have dinner with me then," he says quietly, "Please."

"What?" My bewilderment must be as present on my face as it is in my words.

Javi smiles. "I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, Ava. If you say no, everything will continue as usual. But I would like to take you to dinner, if you're interested."

I blink a few times, trying to find my bearings. It becomes obvious, very quickly, that I do want to have dinner with him. At the same time, I don't actually know if that's something that would be frowned upon. But despite all of the thoughts circulating around my head, and despite the nervous knot in my stomach, I simply look up at him and say,

"Yes. I'm interested."

Next Chapter

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Series Masterlist

#pedro #pedro pascal #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal fandom #pedro pascal x original characters #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal smut #pedro pascal x you #the mandalorian #tlou #narcos #javi gutierrez fanfiction #javi gutierrez smut #javi gutierrez x you #javi gutierrez x reader

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donotopendeadinside · 6 months

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Mod is about to depression post, so if you guys aren't comfy with any vents or rants, you can keep on scrolling. I'm having a mental breadown.

TW: Mentions of SH, SA, Suicidal tendencies and just a bunch of sad shit.

My mother will never love me. Thats just the facts of my own existence. I wake up, lay in bed, stay in my room, hide away from EVERYONE, and sometimes just ignore people because I cant find the energy to talk. My mother hates me and my older sister, we share the same dad. We're too much like my father. She lied to me for years about my dad, calling him abusive, and all of these horrible things, blaming my sister for walking out of an abusive situation all so my sister could get stable enough to bring her baby girl home.

She thrives on control. Thats all she's ever done.

When I was 15, i contemplated taking my life. I told my mother how I was feeling, it spiraled into an argument. She told me, that if I was really suicidal, she'd unlock my step-dad's gun cabinet and give me his gun so I could shoot myself with it.

I have anger issues, but I stopped taking them out on people a very long time ago. Now, if im angry, I bite my arms just hard enough not to break my skin, because its all I can do to keep myself grounded.

My mother has neglected me and my older sister in favor of the youngest. She can fake anything and get me in trouble and screams when she doesn't get her way. She's 15.

I was S.A'ed in my freshman year of highschool by someone I thought was my friend. He got ontop of me and grabbed my chest. A teacher saw it but did nothing but walk into her classroom. The boy was never suspended, nor did anything else happen to him. My ASL teacher paired me up with a boy, we had to touch hands. She was already told that I wasn't okay with doing anything like that due to what happened.

She called me a liar and told me to get over it.

A few weeks ago, i nearly slit my wrists because I thought that I wasn't worth it. That i didn't deserve anything good to happen. My mom has kicked me out twice. Once over a single plate that was in the sink.

The second time was because I refused to lie to my father. He had just lost his wife at 46 due to pancreatic cancer. I refused to lie to him about why I couldn't go to the funeral. We couldn't afford to send me as I had just gone up there a few weeks prior. My dad bought me the ticket and flew me up to Tennessee.

My fiancee. I love him with everything I have, and im so fucking terrified of loosing him. He's everything to me, but hes reckless. Thats okay. But sometimes it worries me. I just wish he'd talk to me more about how he feels, instead of just lying and saying he's okay.

I'm terrified of the one good thing I have just falling between my fingers like sand, and I have no idea how to keep myself sane when all I know how to do is fear for whatever the hell could happen, be it my mother or something else.

Im so fucking scared and I don't know how to fix it. I come on this hellsite so that I can forget shitty things, and interact with people that I find cool.

But sometimes I just wish people would want to interact with me too... sometimes I dont want to be the one to initiate it. I just want someone to talk to me.

#vent post #tw vent #mod is having a mental breakdown today #idk why #shit just came crashing down and i just need to scream into the void.

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neonlitlesbians · 1 year

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mine

Darcy pokes around inside the city's database. Rat does its best to keep them both sane.

this is the longest short story i've written so far, hope it characterizes darcy in a way i haven't yet written down

cw: mild digital cosmic horror, a near-death experience, and bad sleeping habits

[Warehouse den. Darcy is typing on hxr computer, craning hxr neck and staring intently.] [Rat opens the back door and comes in.]

Rat: Evening. Darcy: Hiii! R: Whatcha up to, cutie? D: Well, since my first little experiment [Darcy's disembodied right hand flies up and pokes Rat in the cheek], I changed my focus a bit. See this? [Points to the third of hxr four screens.] R: [Takes her jacket off and tosses it to its usual spot next to the mattress.] I do see that. Map? D: Sorta! I'm poking around in some of the city's more exposed local networks. It's a visualization of everything I've found. R: Oh, did you wanna watch that old DVD tomorrow, then? D: Yeah, this will probably keep me up a bit. R: No worries, babe. [Stretches her arms. Loud pops and cracks ensue.] I'm fuckin' tired, so. [Leans over to kiss Darcy on the cheek.] Goin' to bed. Don't strain your eyes too much. D: Good night! R: [Flops unceremoniously onto the mattress.] Night. [Darcy continues working. And working.] [Shx probably should have gone to bed a little while ago.]

> {Another day.}

R: You want pizza? D: Hm? [Hxr eyes don't leave the screen.] Oh, sure. Did you order yet, or— R: [Raspy chuckle.] It's already here. [Clears a spot on the table to set the box.] D: Thank you! [With a third disembodied hand, deftly pulls a slice from the pizza.] R: Ooh, learned some new tricks, huh? D: Yeah. Feels good to be able to multitask. [Pulls up something new on the second screen. Leans in a little closer.] R: [Sigh.] [Rat fidgets a little. Darcy doesn't appear to notice.] R: Babe? D: [Gaze remains stationary.] Hm? R: You gonna be like… done anytime soon? D: With what? R: Your datamining. Could you like, take a break? D: Once I'm done with this server, sure. R: Er- sure, I guess. I don't wanna break you out of your focus, but… [Trails off.] D: But what? R: You're a little distracted lately. D: Aren't I always? R: I don't mean the ADHD, I mean sleeping. Are you getting enough sleep? D: … R: When was the last time you stood up? D: Calculating… [Eyes go fuzzy for a moment.] Eighteen hours, twenty-seven minutes, fifty-five seconds. R: Gxrl, get up. [Darcy has no arms, so Rat gently pulls hxr back from the chair and turns hxr to face her before standing hxr up in front of her.] D: Hey, er- D: Mmmf. [Rat kisses Darcy on the mouth.] [The pizza lies forgotten.]

>> {Another day.}

[Rat sits on the floor close to one corner of the desk. Darcy sits at hxr monitors, as before. Four hands now dance across the keyboard and with a few small devices on the table.] R: How's it going? D: Too much just to jot down and record. I might have to dive in myself. R: Is that really, like, worth it…? D: Well, it's experience instead of feeling. I should learn a lot more. R: [yawn] Dangerous. Weren't there warnings about malware and stuff? I don't have a computer brain, but— D: Fair, but I'm at the end of things I can reach on my own. There's a lot more I need to just aim my whole brain at. You know? R: [Shakes head.] Not really R: I should probably go to bed. Gonna drag you with me, you know. D: One dive? I'm not tired yet. It won't be long. R: You need sleep. D: It's just a test dive. I know I shouldn't go too deep. R: [Grumble grumble.] Fine. I'm yanking you out if I need to, though. D: Of course! [Presents the necessary cables.] Jack me in, babe? D: You're gonna need to stay awake, sorry. Safety. R: [Shakes her head vigorously, like a dog getting out the rain.] I'll live. [Rat jacks Darcy in.] R: I can't keep taking care of you, you know. R: You know I can't even take care of myself. R: Darcy? D: Preparing to restart… [Hxr eyes go static.] R: Fuck. [Rat buries her head in her hands in exasperation.]

>>>

[Darcy's consciousness flits about the network, rifling through digital file cabinets and peering inside recycling bins.]

>so much to see!!!! holyshit 0_0

>whats this? "TransactionsRecords"

>woah >whats this over here? "BlueprintsRecords"

>what about this? "BirthsDeathsRecords"

>thats >thats a lot of >files >whats this? "BirthsDeathsRecords"

>er >thats >a lot of >births and deaths >oh >oh wow >w >ww >whats this? ACCESS DENIED

>no >let me in ACCESS DENIED ACCESS DENIED ACCESS DENIED ACCESS DENIED ACCESS DENIED ACCESS DENIED ACCESS DENIED ACCESS DENIED ACCESS DENIED

Validating… ACCESS GRANTED "BrainRecordsLogs"

>what >like >what kind of brain Validating… NetworkClusterSystem.Core3.Brain

>i >whose brain NetworkClusterSystem.Core3

>thanks >what else is in NetworkClusterSystem NetworkClusterSystem.Core1 NetworkClusterSystem.Core2 NetworkClusterSystem.Core3 NetworkClusterSystem.Core4 NetworkClusterSystem.Core5 NetworkClusterSystem.Core6 NetworkClusterSystem.Core7 NetworkClusterSystem.Core8 >stop >stop it

>so thats >just# >just one. >ju##st one core >of

>iv# been >ive been up too long @_@ i should come back later >get me out of here Preparing to restart…

. .. … D: [Gasp] D: I'm b- Rat? [Rat is sprawled over Darcy, hugging hxr like a stuffed animal. Tightly. It's asleep.] D: …

>>>>

{Another day.}

D: Be right back. [Four of Darcy's hands rest on the desk. Hxr other two hands jack hxr in. Hxr eyes go static.] [Rat sits on the floor, her arms wrapped around her legs and her head buried in her knees.]

[Time passes.] [It's quiet, save the buzz of computers and lights.]

[Rat looks up.] R: You comin' back any time soon…? [Rat stands up.] R: Darcy…? R: How far down in there… R: Darcy? [The buzz is quieter from Darcy than usual. Shx's still jacked in, but hxr body is colder.] [It looks like hxr eyes are fully dark.] R: Darcy? [Upon closer inspection, there is static. It's faint.] R: Darcy. R: You there? [Rat wraps its arms around hxr.] [Darcy's breathing is barely detectable.] R: Darcy. R: Gxrl. R: You done? R: Darcy? [Rat shakes hxr lightly. Darcy does not react.] R: Aren't you usually done by now? [Rat kisses hxr cheek.] R: Come baaaaack. R: Darcy. R: Hello? [Rat shakes hxr a little more vigorously.] R: Stop playing with me, gxrl. [Rat kisses hxr on the mouth.] [Darcy is unresponsive.] R: I know you're in there. R: Or in the computer, or whatever. R: Can you hear me? R: Can you hear me?! R: Darcy! R: Come back!! [Rat hugs Darcy tighter. It strokes hxr hair over and over.] R: Come back, bring my gxrlfriend back. R: Bring my gxrlfriend back!! [The tears won't stop.] R: Come back! I know you're there! [Rat's voice echoes through the empty warehouse. She's the only one who hears it.] [She breaks down.]

[Time passes.] [There's a buzz and a shower of sparks. The main jack ejects itself.] [There's static.] D: [static] D: ##. D: # .. r D: … rra D: ##t? D: i [Rat is still clinging to Darcy. Its nails are digging into hxr skin.] [One hand brushes Rat's hair to the side.] D: you D: oh [She's asleep.] D: t D: tea D: rs D: im D: # s###o D: rr#y

#darcy relayer #rat manchu #my writing #writing #z axis lore #bzzzt #long post #also they kiss

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nahalism · 5 months

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Have you ever beaten yourself down or felt defected because you couldn’t uphold a routine?

I am going through something like this now. I see people around me who, of course to varying degrees (but some excell in) getting their diet, sleep schedule, studying/working, exercising routine in check, having a plan. And whenever i try, for the love of me, i just cannot uphold it. I can’t be consistent, my brain just doesn’t work like this but i keep hearing that it has improved peoples’ lives so much, developing a routine and sticking to it. And i know me not having one is probably not in my favor (studying whenever i have the ”inspiration” to because otherwise my brain just shuts off no matter how i try to trick myself instead of regularly and smooth sailing through assignments as a result) can’t go to sleep and wake up at the same time every day INCLUDING WEEKENDS can’t eat regularly. So i try to improve myself and chase this but all it does is reflect to me that i am just not able to and it makes me feel even worse about myself. And i personally know people who ARE able to do all of that and i can see it pays off in so many ways, in their life. My thoughts get in the way, my feelings get in the way and they make me pretty much not functional for periods of time and i am not sure if these people experience the exact same „wall” and they consistently push through it or if maybe my wall is just a big higher and stronger than theirs sometimes. I feel like my brain is against me, truly. (Probably relevant to mention that i do have some mental problems overall which could be affecting all i mentioned and the way i function, it still feels so defeating to me)

such a long message, i am sorry. i hope you are love lately x

hey beautiful <3. my reply will be equally as long if not longer so no need to be sorry :)

yes. lol just, yes. ive been through the exact same feelings that you describe and even though i struggle less now, i struggle less only as a consequence of my ability to be kinder and more tolerant of myself, not because ive magically changed into someone different. — ill try to explain what i did to help but ill be honest, theres only ever been one solution for me which is to do the work. its hard, its lonely, no one comes to help, or to save you, they even stop pretend ing to care. people will try to support you, but despite best intentions may fall short or lack the capacity to give you what you actually need. so you have to be the one. you have to carry yourself over the finish line, often at the cost losing things, people and parts of yourself that you think you love and cant do without (its soul wrenching but worth the initial discomfort, i promise). every breakthrough is hard earned and often doesnt even feel like the cherry on the top that its supposed to be. so the only way to find the will to keep going is to enjoy the challenge of the journey and learn to love what choosing to 'carry your own cross' is developing in you.

1) the first thing i had to do was make that cross worth carrying for myself. not because id been told to do it, had to do it, or because 'self care' is important, but because I was priority enough to myself that i found the willpower to see it though. to make that possible i had to understand why i was my number one priority, and then make my actions reflect that. it sounds heroic but it looked like excavating my soul, saying no to anything i didnt want to do, and anything i did out of obligation. that included essays, exams, my job, friends, family. maybe that sounds extreme but i realised that all those things meant nothing if the person who was meant to be showing up for them didnt want to be alive/was in anyway unhealthy, or was so dysfunctional that they showed up as a semi sane version of themselves. my whole personality was a trauma response, and even despite the trauma i had to look at what i was doing to create the circumstances i was unhappy with. going from responding unconsciously to consciously choosing my actions was brutal. all of this sounds empowering but it often looks and feels shambolic & looks like being a fuck up. i literally appeared to the outside world like someone who had gone off the edge and was failing at life. for context, making the choices im talking about led to me retaking a year at uni, being a ghost to everyone and everything in my life, having panic attacks every night because despite feeling like i was doing the right thing i had no evidence it would work and no idea how id make it out & all this lasted for way after i graduated so people were looking at me crazy :). HOWEVER, its also how i learned to draw, how i restored my relationship with myself, how i found the passion and excitement to work toward a goals i had set (not the ones set for me). i also became confident for the first time in my life. like actualll self esteem and self knowledge. i hated being seen or perceived due to things id been through, and still struggle with that now tbh. so when i look at the fuller version of myself im embodying today, the multiple ways ive put myself outside of my comfort zone, (and the versions of me i know are to come) i know that the first steps began with following my gut and taking that initial leap of faith that honoured the truth of who i felt myself to be, not the pattern id been following/living in.

2) that first step is important cause when what you do what matters to you, you gain a different willpower (aka passion) that fuels what you do and why you do it. i spent my whole childhood with e.d's and unable to consistently work out/find working out pleasurable. however once i built a relationship with myself and understood what a body was and why it deserved my respect, working out stopped being about the pressure to be a fine babe, and about desiring mobility, full function of my vehicle and longterm health. i say that to say, sometimes its not that your undisciplined, but that your trying hard at the wrong things. (an undisciplined or inconsistent person doesn't keep trying at things despite failing time and time again...). another way to look at it is — a goat is not meant to be a sheep, nor a sheep a goat. theres nothing wrong with being either, but you have to know which you are. (this takes us back to point one: are the things you put pressure on yourself to do/be/accomplish, authentic to you or are you imposing them of yourself because of pressure/expectation/superficial reasons). if its the later, you cannot wait till you have the answers to change the direction your moving in. you have to pivot, take the next step in the direction that feels purposeful and deeply honest to you, and trust that even though you cant see the whole path, the next step will be revealed as you continue to walk forward. the mental illness doesnt go away, but it fades as your tolerance increases. its not meant to be easy, if you can remember that then you'll be okay.

3) you dont have to do it perfectly. you just have to do it. over time, ive had routines w/ varying success. my overarching interests, goals/priorities are the same, but they fluctuate which means i can struggle with consistency and seeing things through (not cause i dont want to be consistent but i feel like i change so rapidly as a person that i almost forget why i set certain goals for myself and why building the routine/proficiency in skill was important to me in the first place). in this sense, its hard to accomplish a goal if you dont relate to the version of yourself you were when you set it. so part one to this point is, i have to use my quirks to my advantage. i know that i tend to cycle through my interests every 3 months ish. so, i set goals that can be accomplished in 3 month cycles rather than over the course of a year. in doing that i achieve small steps toward the larger, more diverse vision of my life i have for myself, meaning i could have one goal - lets say financial freedom - and 3 projects over the course of 9 months that feed into that goal. this works for me because i know i can sustain deep focus over the course of those three months and so will accomplish what ive set out to do. — but whats key for you, is that you find out what works for you. if you start to embrace your needs and what makes you different, you can also embrace the ways it makes you and your approach unique and innovative. rather than a hinderance or a source of 'why cant i be like/function like everyone else'. ——— that leads on to the second part, which is learning to carry the good with the bad. e.g. — whilst the way i fluctuate makes me multifaceted, it also means that one month im focused on art (my style) & reading, the next i might be on philosophy and writing, right before i get back to gardening and portrait practice, then cycle back to learning languages or an instrument. that level of commitment to multiple disciplines means what could take me 3 months to accomplish if i had a single minded focus, gets dragged out into a year long affair. lmty, its almost as frustrating to make slow progress as it is not to progress at all. so sometimes i feel like ive come so far only to have achieved the bare minimum. ive had to learn to appreciate that slow and steady approach (rather than chasing immediate perfection which leads to burn out) and be grateful for the fact that even though its taking long, at least im moving in the right direction. eventually ill learn the skill of expediting each of my processes, but right now this is where im at. extending that kind of grace and mercy to yourself is the biggest part of this all. because if i know im not good at structure, and im specifically struggling with it at this moment, maybe i dont need to hyper-fixate on having a morning routine right now. maybe for the next few months, its not about doing yoga the moment i wake up (even if i know thats best for me) maybe i just need to do yoga at 'unspecified time today'. maybe i dont need to sleep at 10pm. i can actually start work at 10pm, and go to sleep at 6 am. as long as i do yoga, as long as i go to sleep, as long i *insert task*, that is enough for right now. infact more than enough, its a victory. so, work on your own schedule and embrace it. trust that you've set goals and failed before but that you are still here and still committed to getting it right next time, which means you are a trustworthy person who can rely on themselves to show up for themselves. the more you practice not giving up, the smaller the gap between your ability to take action, which means the greater your ability to develop the skill of routine. perhaps not a conventional routine, but routine just means habit. over the course of your life, you are building the habit of not giving up. or of consistently coming back to & developing skills you wanna build. that is the desired outcome, not the structure of how you achieve that, but the fact that you have achieved some form of taking action consistently.

last thing i want to leave you with is the way i see and feel you. you could have asked me anything, you could have asked me nothing at all, but you chose to ask me about how to improve your situation. in that sense, your words have betrayed what your will and your desire is. the things we desire today, dictate the person we become tomorrow, and so i know without a doubt that its not a matter of if, but a matter of when you achieve these routines, their outcomes (& so much more, you cant even imagine whats on the other side). <3. it takes a very special kind of grit and resilience to fail and to try again. you inspire me and remind me of the qualities that make humans truly beautiful, truly necessary and truly precious. so dont give up, dont go under. none of this is meant to break you, just pull out what is inevitable to who you are and what you are meant to be. it is going to be hard, but you are not alone even when you are alone, and when you make it out the other end you become a testimony for others, (& evidence that they arent alone either). keep fighting, i believe in you, sending big love & a big hug xx-xx

#ask #🖤

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genderisareligion · 6 months

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My apologies if you have already given the answer to this before, but may I ask, do you still acquaint yourself with libfems? Why or why not?

It has always been my personal belief that in order to properly fight a battle, you must understand the arguments of all sides, but at this point I’ve grown so tired of the sheer stupidity of liberal feminism and anti feminists that I don’t think I can deal anymore. I feel bad for saying this, but in my head I can’t help but say that these people are either just stupid or being willfully obtuse! What do you mean hyperfemininity fights the patriarchy? It fucking doesn’t, not in any way! What do you mean women are too stupid to take on leadership positions, but are also somehow the masterminds behind every single fucking problem on the planet? What is wrong with these people? I don’t even consider myself particularly intelligent, but this is just utter insanity. It actually blows my mind… the arguments that the hyperfeminine genderspecial American girls in my age range throw around. None of them make sense, all of them are easily disqualified, so why does no one seem to get it still?

I went a bit off track here… I guess the question I really want to ask is, do you believe that it’s better if I still welcome my libfem acquaintances, or should I leave all of them behind? I’d stuck around in hopes that they would someday have a better understanding of how deep the patriarchy is rooted, but they’re still parroting “Trans women are women! We love girlcock!” and I just don’t know if I can take it anymore.

It's up to you whether or not to leave them behind. Solidarity with other women while agreeing to disagree is important, but can be very difficult to accomplish. You as a radical or radleaning feminist don't owe American hyperfeminine genderspecial women anything, and the worse that I see anti radfem scare tactics and lies getting over the years, the less I blame those who feel they can't take anymore.

I personally don't know many libfems anymore but I did in college; for example I could and can tolerate some level of "makeup and trendy fashion is feminist and fun for me" from friends because it's so fucking rough out here for women and real feminism is becoming so inaccessible that I'm just like "well at least they're somewhat enjoying themselves even if those actions aren't feminist," it's usually never worth it to me to try and change her mind unless she simultaneously expresses discomfort with beauty standards

My closest female friend for the longest I would say is just a general feminist, too normie and not committed to it enough to be considered liberal or radical, but believes in its most basic tenets and doesn't shy away from the word feminist. She's let me rant to her about radfem for over a decade and usually understands my point even if she doesn't 100% agree.

Those are the kinds of women I still have time for...I'm in my 30s so the genderspecial "you can be trans with no dysphoria! twaw!" free for all is like that much more concerning when I see it in my age group. Basically IRL I'm a stealth radfem unless I think someone will be open to it.

Do what's going to keep you the most sane out here

#ask.txt

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dandydemidoesfandoms · 2 years

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Between Us Pontification - Episode 10

Ok, ya girl has had a little bit of time to sleep and rewatch Episode 10.

(Am I still miffed, yes. To the ends of the earth.) And here are my thoughts...there are a lot.

However, I think it's important (and other tumblrs have likened to this already) to keep in mind that our beautiful idiots, so full of love that they throw at others, leaving nothing for themselves, do not know how to ask for what they need; What they want and also believe that they deserve it.

Team is dealing with basically a decade of untreated survival guilt and in some ways is afraid that his love for Win is a projection simply because Win is good to him and makes him feel wanted, precious, and loved. Especially when his Aunt still grieves (and also needs some damn therapy) and probably has made way too many comments about what could have been her son's life. Team is living for two people, not even content to do it, but as a kind of forced repentance for something we all know is not his fault. And his self-loathing is manifesting as insecurity, low esteem when it comes to worth, and pushing Win away to stop himself from loving any harder, deeper, or truly in fear of loss and disappointment. But with Win, he needs certainty, clearest of day level clarity of how their relationship is defined.

And then there is Win. Sweet little competent middle child king. As someone who is also the 2nd sibling, I am painfully aware of how much pressure, expectations, and loneliness is wrapped up in it. How the only way to remain sane is to be useful and self-sufficient. Wiew is baby but a fiercely loyal one (as he should be, I love that precious nugget), and Waan is crumbling under the suffocating role he is being forced to play by his crappy workaholic father who has lost the plot in more ways than one. He needs to give that man a raise and a 3-week long vacation (with Tul there to just smile at him and play video games) and stop yelling so damn much. These three need a hug, a nap, and a break. But I digress.

Back to Win, he is a giver. Hyperindividualism manifested as the kind mediator, the soft but strong protector. He sends out all the love he never gets to keep for himself and doesn't expect anyone to stick around. He has crafted this self-fulfilling prophecy and doesn't hold tightly to anyone. Waan has even mentioned to him that his kindness could turn into something that hurts him and the ones we love, which is what we end up seeing in Episode 10. Because with Win, what he needs is someone who looks at him and tells him that he is loved not for what he provides but for just being him. Someone who wants to refill the empty cup he has been pouring from.

This is a story about reciprocation and fear of abandonment. A song of isolation and anxiety.

The confession scene for many of us was not what we wanted because we have the sweetness in UWMA that we know is on the horizon. Death by a thousand cuts, is what we are getting. But the point of Between Us is to show the complete road of how our boys with horny hearts of gold go from being in two very different types of emotional exile to a supportive and loving relationship. And I would be remiss if I didn't remind myself and others that this is their FIRST serious relationship. These boys have little to no previous experience with big feelings and taking that leap and hoping the one they love is jumping with them and simultaneously catching them at the same time.

Its a terrifying and heartwrenching saga to go through in the best of scenarios and there is so much hurt, unsureness, and need to be wrapped up and it can be scary if you are waiting for the other shoe to drop while, in tandem, praying for it not to. And in a way, both Win and Team need this kind of tension and to be forced to make solid steps forward.

Unfortunately, Win must have a moment of fear, of being confronted by the consequences of the cavalier nature he has curated. His coolness, the aloof cat-like humility that makes him so darn unattainable. He has to be vulnerable instead of hesitating and testing the waters again. He must cannonball into the depth. And Team, in direct parallel and in some ways opposition, must learn to accept that he is loved and is worthy of love. To not be afraid of being too much, of burdening someone he finds important with his affection, of handing over his feelings and feeling the reciprocation. He must trust that someone swimming with him isn't going to end in pain and loss again.

And that brings us to the emotional rollercoaster at the end of Episode 10. This is called the Black Moment or the Defining Moment when we look literarily at this story arc. Internal conflict must be confronted and we all must accept that we are gonna get a whole lot of big feelings in the last two episodes.

Have faith, intrepid travelers, and keep your arms and feet inside the vehicle at all times.

#between us #between us ep10 #between us spoilers #win x team #dandy demi rambles #what i do with my degree in creative writing and philosophy

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chromatic-lamina · 1 year

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fic writer asks!! i’m really curious about these three:

🤲 what do YOU get out of writing?

🌈 is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?

☯️ how do you think engaging with each other through tumblr, twitter, comments, kudos, creates healthy fandom experiences? How do you deal with that if you're not a social person/experience social anxiety?

thank you!! ♥️

Hello there!

🤲 what do YOU get out of writing?

Keeps me sane. I think it's something I'm good at and something I enjoy doing, so I think I should do it if I feel driven to do it. Balance is important of course. Also, I can write, with some stuff, scenarios or character studies and relationships that I'd like to see.

🌈is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with? Let me have a look. Not really, no. For me, anyway, fanfiction is easier than original fiction. I try to write well, but I'm more likely to possibly be happy with a scene with fewer drafts than I might in original fic. I want it to be, basically, not stressful, even when I'm writing dark stuff. As a matter of fact, fanfic can be an avoidance strategy for me, so I'm more likely to write it when I'm a little stressed, than it actually stressing me. I have deleted and re-uploaded some of my dark fics (and even non-dark), a few times because I felt I didn't have enough confidence to deal with any potential backlash, and I get insecure sometimes (that was probably in response to crickets. Haha).

There are probably a number of scenes in my fics that I worked hard

at and it's good if the seams aren't showing. I don't know that anything was a struggle. I find if you're really struggling with something it's good to go on to a later scene and come back to the scene giving you trouble later (if it's a multi-chap), or write an 'and-then' draft, where you just get a big pile of prosaic sketching, really, on your page. And that's hard, cos' it can be kinda tedious, but once you've got that, you can really dive in and have fun with character, scene, dialogue, etc. I'm not discounting anyone's writing struggles. I've been there. But probably fanfiction has struck me this way.

Like, there is no such thing as a filler chapter, dudes. If you're bored with the final result, probably your readers will be too, so sometimes you've got to knuckle down, isolate, pick apart, put back together, and proceed. And nine times out of ten, I end up loving those paragraphs/ sentences / chapters. I don't think I answered the question, but there you go!

Interesting question. I can only speak for myself. I joined tumblr after maybe 3 years of writing fanfic, and I wasn't on twitter or discord. I belonged to a fanfiction subreddit, but I think the sub-reddit served to make writers more nervous of social media than not.

I was pleasantly surprised. tumblr and twitter helped me to see how much of fandom occurs away from AO3 or FFN, for one (most of it). And some story links I've posted haven't done badly in notes (which, let's face it, for fanfiction is when it goes into the teens), but people have also left comments on my work saying they saw my post on twt or tumblr, and even it my post didn't get me any notes, etc., it did get me some readers who left really nice comments, which was excellent, so it served its purpose.

People must curate their own experiences. I've banked a lot of self-worth on whether I get kudos or comments, and I'll still have dips, but the thing is, that for most people (not all), getting some traction is a bit of a long slog. Like, it was probably 6 months to a year before I really connected with anyone over my fics, and lots of good stuff came well after that.

But, although I do think it's important that community members support one another if the community is to be sustainable, individuals in that community need to know what they can or can't do. And there are different personalities, so different horses for different courses. Even stuff like these ask games can sometimes do a lot. Plus, I think lots of folks in fandom have a very intense attention span of a fly. So I'd also advise not to get too attached. People come and go.

Also, I don't think it hurts to research (like, I didn't!) on the fan fiction platform before uploading. If a writer's fic is OCxOC take a look and see how the OC fics go in the fandom, and tether expectations to that. Even if someone as a reader reads outside of the box, once they become a writer, they might want to realise that if they're writing what they like to read, it's no less valuable, but it might not be as popular as the more common tropes etc.

And really, if , say, you're flooded with antis or negativity, etc., on tumblr, twitter, etc., use the block/mute button. Delete where you can, and interact with folks that you vibe with and cruise along. If the social anxiety is too high, just stick to posting fic and disengage.

Thanks for the ask!

I've answered ✨ 💫 📡 , 🤲 , 🌈 , ☯️ and I'm about to answer: 🎈💥🎀 (way-hey! They look so bright in my inbox!!). The ask is here if anyone else wants to ask!

#let's get real #fic writer meme #chromask #chromanswers #chromalami #gendervapor14

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windalchemist001 · 1 year

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electric twilight

I sighed deeply as I woke up, I knew that I should be more excited, but honestly today felt like there was a weight on me, maybe because of all the stuff I had to do?

Soghing at the thought I got up after all Crowley wanted me to do some stuff for him, and hopefully that jerkwad would actually keep his promise and give me some extra spending money for tonight. Taking a moment to pop my joints I stood up and moved about to change into some clothes that I had manged to scrap money together so I wouldn't be stuck wearing just the uniform or trying to piece together clothes from the outfits I've been given for different celebrations we've had.

I yawn left my mouth and I rub at my face as I hoped to get rid of the sleep that seemed to want to pull me back to its grip. But nope work. And thankfully I had help with said work as I moved over to my lovely feline and picked him up. Though it was clear he wasn't to happy. Not that I cared we are both going.

"Come on grim, we need to earn money to go to the light's festival tonight." I set grim down since he was now awake and complaining about being awake so early which I than rolled my eyes and mention I'll make food which seemed to make him happy.

Honestly how is it that food always makes him happy, I don't know but at least it made my life somewhat easier to deal with him.

I hummed as I moved to get out of my room and waving to the ghost who were sort of my roommates. It was so odd I've slowly gotten use to all this. And yet I sort of had to though I wish I didn't but it is how it is, at least ill have a lot of fun so I can't wait, oh and if I'm lucky both of my crushes will actually make an appearance since both said they were going so being able to interact with them always made my day.

A weak hearted fool i am, but damn it, I need something to keep me sane in this crazy place. And its not wrong for me to have feelings. Though my heart ached knowing that the feelings were sadly one sided. And I couldn't help but sigh knowing that.

But pushing that thought to the side I washed my hands and than begin working on breakfast, amy mind already thinking about how after eatting I would have to deal with the headmaster dumb ass and than I need to meet the guys to take the bus lead to town. It was a lot but it would be worth it hanging with friends after all. And with that I smiled deeply thinking about how fun the night festival was be

_______

Several hours later had me hummubg as I shifted my bag. After all the bs and struggles we arrived in town, honestly im super excited we some how manged to get here since Crowley had me (and grim to a lesser extent) that i had almost missed the last bus heading to town.

Though I had told the guys to leave ahead of me. Only ace and deuce stay behind the others left. But ill be honestly i was rather greatful they hadn't left me behind because i hate being alone despite me always asking for it. I am rather cat like in my personality.

I was also glad that my three dummies were not to upset with me, maybe because they felt it was Crowley's fault (which it was, because fuck him) i took a deep a breath to calm my nerves since no need to be ticked when I'm off to go do something fun righr?

Though I must admit I did find myself a bit nervous since unlike the other few times I went into town with professor crewel or professor train. I was going to have to be the adult in the group given my dummies did always find themselves getting in trouble and i sometimes wonder if they were all toddlers rather than freshman in collage. Again I signed deeply hoping for the best.

But with that sighed it seemed my vision came to focus and I begin actually seeing everything out the window rather than be blared out do to me zoning out and faded into my own world. And I must admit this experience was much more different than looking out the car window because I didn't have to keep grim controlled (well not as strictly any way) on my lap rather grim had his own seat and was currently getting in another verbally disagreement with ace. About what I wasn't fully sure but I tune it out since it didn't seem to important for now.

No rather i spend my time looking out the window hoping to remeber the way everything looked to try and draw it, if I can even begin to try to give it justice (which I'm sure I can't but I want to at least try) but I also decided to take a picture since at least I would have a lesser copy to use as reference.

But of course taking a picture seemed to draw deuces attention who wasn't fully un the fight and with his questioning grim and ace seemed to turn to me.

I rolled my eyes and explained i was taking a photograph of the city and the setting sun. After all the way everything looked could be the perfect background for a movie or comic. And i didn't mention it but I could use it in my not so rewrites of my/borrowed stories (hey! It's not like copy infringement can get me in another world) and its not all borrowed works since some were my own stuff too.

I made a mental note to continue some of my work since i need to put out a few chapters, but didn't think to much on it as ace than begin talking about what he planned on doing again, which I softly tuned it out so I could still respond to, but honestly I wasn't interested in having to watch ace hit on girls, if I was a guy, maybe, but I wasn't into it, and I wonder if it was a good thing or a bad thing that ace was cool with saying it infront of me, though wish they felt like this, before and maybe we could have avoided the whole azul incident..... maybe.... probably not.

I sighed again, and it seemed deuce my second fave (favorite if only humans) dummy decided to speak at least seeming to be aware that I wouldn't be into trying to hit on random people.

Which I agreed to and even voiced that I would rather wait with a first aid kit from the side lines. Hinting that I was sure someone would end up slapping ace in the face. Actually, I could picture ace as Johnny brovo and him going flying. Honestly it made me chuckle at the thought and admit to nothing when questioned about the laugh.

Thankfully deuce had said something to annoy ace and thus the two begin fighting and I decided it might be wise to break into the snacks I bought to shut them both up. Again I couldn't help think of them like toddlers. I again hoped the bus ride would be quick

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Sure the bus ride wasn't that long when trying to be peace keeper it felt so much longer. But once done the guys quickly darted over to the ticket booth while I followed behind them, not just because of my lack of height, but also because I always did prefer to be in the back hidden away and not dealing with to much bull.

Ace was going a mile a minute trying to seem to get the guy to drop the price a few thaumarks so we can get ride all the ride wristband. And while that was nice and all but I sort of didn't want to ride all the rides since I didn't know if I felt safe riding a pop up roller coaster and given that last pop up ride, I rode I almost fell out of (me being a small child be damn)

So me avoiding things that go up high would be nice. But I did want to do that gravity ride which would be cool. I hummed as it seemed ace manged to get the wrist bands for us and i thanked him. Sure ace can be a tad annoying but he was still a good friend (though a bit of an ass hole, but in a good way)

Taking the bands for me and grim I moved to put it in his ribbon collar knowing he wouldn't be able to keep it on unless I put it on his tail but it would be easier to lose it there once done I put my own on. And moved to give him what I owed for them which I had mange to catch being thirty percent off, which wasn't a lot but it still also helps.

So once money exchange hands I waited for the guy to lead the way and rolled my eyes when ace tried to get deuce to pay him full price due to some bs fee.

Honestly these two idiots. So again I cut in and mention we should try to do a lot of stuff before the parade and fireworks begin, which seemed to get them in gear. I also wonder if we would find the others. Which also made me wonder if I would see the two guys I really wanted to see. Even if this love or perhaps crush was all one-sided just being near them made me happy.

Even if it was stupid and foolish, sighing wistfully I found myself trailing behind ace and deuce and ended up seeing and pointing out a water gun game and moved over to see the prizes. Looking about i trying to decide what I would want i soon found and adorable rabbit stuff animal and I turn to tell the guys only to see they were gone.

I couldn't help but frown and pushed down the panic that begin to fill me. Was it because I got abandoned, or was it because those three always got into trouble when left alone, maybe a bit of both. Quickly moving away from the booth and did my best to weave between people hoping to find a hint to one of the three. heck ill make due with anyone I know, since either they can help me find those three or at least make me feel safe.

I called out for my friends hoping they would answer me, seems now I've become the toddler lost in the crowed, it unsettled me how they could invite me and than abandoned me, like some sort of cruel prank, perhaps that was where the panic was coming from? Knowing and conformation that im unwanted?

Like some cruel reality check that I've forgotten as if me diluting myself into belive I had friends was only but a fools earns and I like always am nothing more than a tool to be used for nothing more than a punching bag.

Breathing was slowly becoming to much as the dark thoughts began making its way to the surface choking me, as I continued looking about. The bright lights of festival seeming to be some cruel reminder of what I can't feel like.

It also highlighted the joy and happiness of others far different from my own state of mind. I called out for the guys once more I could hear the slight cracks in my tone as a mix of fear and panic seems to slightly bleed into it.

Surely if I didn't calm myself I would send myself into a panic attack. But the sound of my name being called seemed to snap me out of my mid panic and had me jump at the suddenness of it.

Turning to see who called, shame suddenly replaced the feeling of fear, after all a familiar group and sort of unlikely group were walked up to me. And while one was the most important of the group two were the ones I didn't like for a couple of reason.

"Are you ok? You seem to be slightly panicked." The voice that was filled with concern, while normally was made me feel comfortable, as if i didn't have to worry about the bs that im normally surrounded with. But at the moment was filled with a mix of emotions. After all how was one meant to feel with your crush seeing you doing something shameful? But than again he seems to actually be very worried about me, which belive but made me feel at least liked even if he only saw me platonic

And while I wasn't really fine I didn't want to seem needy and thus lied that I was fine . Though I decided to mention that I misplaced the trouble trio.

Seeming simpathic trey informed me he hadn't seen the for a while and I quickly apologized to him saying it wasn't his fault. And honestly it wasn't. Rather it was mine for getting distracted like a small child. But than again I was the type if child who got lost at Walmart and even as I got older I still did only difference was that I was old enough to run around looking my family or when I got a phone called for locations.

At this point I seemed to be reminded of Carter the first guy I didn't like, he one for how fake he was. And sure I didn't have proof Carter wasn't actually faking his personality, but as far as I knew it just felt phonie. And run me the wrong way.

The second reason being that somehow the jerk realized. My crush/one sided love for trey, which the jerk kept being up, even if subtly. Like for example at the very moment suggesting trey give me the stuff animal that I had been eyeing in his arms when I hadn't been looking at him.

And the second person I hated for three reasons rather than just two like Carter. For one the guy was unsettling, to the point I wanted to run, two for the dance comption (I still want to rain his neck for that bull shit) and third because he somehow figured out my crush/one sided love for both Trey and Horton!

How i got screwed with that I don't know but either way the jerk seemed to also enjoy mocking me like Carter and say and do shit I don't need him doing. Like example right now he seemed to think it was ok to work with Carter.

The urge to kill them seemed to fill me but I didn't want to do that infront of trey. And I apologize for them being stupid and that he didn't have to follow along with the other third years probing since I didn't want to bother or inconvenience him.

"No it fine, i think it might be better to give it to you" Trey moved to hold out the stuff animal to me. The very stuff animal looked like the one that looked like the one at the water gun booth.

I looked from the rabbit back to trey and than the rabbit again before reaching out to take the stuff animal my hands brushing against trey's and I felt my face heat up at the simple touched. I sort of wonder if I was crazy or if he felt anything but given the fact he doesn't say anything made me belive its just me like always.

I looked away from him unable to keep gazing into his face and moved some hair behind my face as I moved a few stray hairs behind my ear. As I thanked trey for the gift and found myself holding the rabbit to my chest.

Though after a moment I recalled something and looked back at trey. Informing him that I've tweaked the recipe of the apple roses I've enjoyed making, and like always wanted his thoughts. It was something I've been trying to make and make perfect all on my own, but that doesn't mean I can't ask for thoughts.

"I will see you Sunday than." Trey smiled with such kind eyes.

Honestly it made me want fangirl. How could trey be so kind and handsome?! Like ah! But its not like I can say all that and I simply nodded, the fact he recalls i always want to show him on Sunday was super nice too. He is such a good guy.

He made me happy if only my feelings were mutual, but ill settle for just being allowed near him, since I rather enjoy our time together rather than ruin it by make it awkward and than end up being avoided.

Though it seems cater and rook decided to speak and ruin this good mood of mine, and I could feel the twitch of my face with their annoying comments. But at least they also mention they just saw the trio and looking behind me I manged to catch a glimpse of them.

Cursing under my breath I turn back to trey and told him I better catch up and moved to run off though I did pause to wave at trey and tell him bye the rabbit being shifted to under my arm and off I went to try and catch up with my trouble makers.

_________

Having caught up with the guys it seemed the rest of our first year group just meet up. And it seemed the other were pretty happy. Even sebek who normally was a bit much. A lot like my dad honestly. I felt a ping in my chest. As I mildly wonder if my family even missed me, but I pushed the feelings back down were they belong.

Rather I focus on how sebek had glowing horns and was currently gloating about how they were meant to look like his master. I also noticed the glowing spots on his face that looked like scales and its not like he was the only one with glow and dark paint it seemed since both epel and jack (surprisingly) also had some.

Jack reminding me something out of inuyasha or basically any humanoid demon form anime. Kind of made me wish he was wearing a costume, but I wasn't going to say that, mostly because how does one convince someone to do so? ... well maybe Leona and ruggie could get jack to do so, but I don't want to deal with those two since it would be like moving though landmines.

Epel on the other hand was wearing something that was rather cringe. And i looked back to where I had been before, mildly wondering if rook would rat him out to vil. If so, I should probably prey for him, cause I don't know if he'll live.

Though given the fact he was as lit up like a Christmas tree, I'm not sure my prayer would be answered and made a note to get the heck out of dodge, if and when vil comes stomping about. Cause I refused to be bought into a lecture i have no part in. Being shorter than everyone one (not including ortho) had its advantages.

I was quickly bought out of my musing when grim called for me and I turn to him wondering what was up. Which gave the feline the chance to complain that he wanted food but I wasn't around to buy him food. I apologized and mention I'll buy him something right now only to glance up and see the guys taking off again and I looked to grim who darted off telling them not to leave us.

Honestly I was glad he said something as I moved to catch up this time not losing them and asked what should we get to eat since grim wanted to try something.

The guys begin discussing food options and I manged to give my own thoughts, but like always felt like I was butting into a private conversation rather than be part of it, but still I wanted to be included, with my friends.

After a bit we all made our way to an area that had a lot of food options and I admit I sort of wanted to see what they might have.

_____

After having everyone eat their fill, in which sebek ate so much, I wasn't fully sure where he put it. and sure I could eat quiet a bit, but even I had limits (also shame) and thus only ate what I thought was perfectly fine, but shit man how did these guys stay so fit with their eating habits? But than again, I think I'm the only introvert in the group, who would rather stay inside while these guys did have hobbies that involved running about.

Perhaps that's why I tend to always feel like an on looker rather than part of the group. Well that and the no magic. Being a girl, and of course being from a whole diffrent world might do that to you.

None the less I followed along quietly as everyone seemed to be in high spirts talking about all sort of things. Grim was currently eatting cotton candy (his on the go snack) as there was playful shoves between the guys. I would try and comment here and there, but the twisted of feeling like a third wheel just kept bothering me, even though I really wish it wouldn't.

It soon got to the point I had decided to go quiet for a while now. and despite that it seemed the guys didn't notice.so rather than focus on the loneness, i felt it better to looked around. All the while Hoping to see a familiar figure in the masses since despite my small stature the other tend to be easy to spot.

Sadly that didn't seem to be the case. And I wonder if maybe I had been hoping for to much, after all imsure he had more important things thab come here and than say hi. Feeling disappointed I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to keep the tears away.

Honestly I hated how weak I felt over stupid things like this. And I couldn't help but find myself to be a little greatful for the stuff animal that had only been given to me maybe an hour or so ago. Since I was able to bury my face into it to help with my emotions, if only for a bit.

Though once i pushed down my emotions for the uptiniing time I took a moment carefully listing for a pause in conversation before speaking. Asking jack if he could do me the favor of watching grim since out of everyone in this group he was the only one I could trust to keep an eye on the feline.

But before Jack could respond to me, ace spoke up. He seemed offended at the remarks of not being able to watch grim. Which is ironic, since he normally complains when I ask him to watch grim when I have to leave for a small moment.

None the less I looked to ace rather unamused with him. he was in fact acting like a small child. And decided to remind ace of the events that happened just the day before (the reason riddle had ended up collaring him in the first place)

Ace though seemed to be offended, but I could tell not really. (Or so I hoped) After all I had just left the alchemy room to run a quick eran for professor crewel, only to return to my three idiots with neon color hair/fur because ace decided not to behave and egged both duace and grim to fucking up their potions, but he also got hit with the cross fire. And of course the three of them getting chewed out.

And if not for me (reluctantly so begging) grim and deuce would still have neon hair. But I can't wait for the pay back to kick in because ace is getting that collar back on once today is over and I'm so not letting him stay with me for a few days.

None the less, I looked away from the pain in the ass that is ace. And looked back to Jack. To slightly begging for the most trust worthy of this make shift group to watch grim whole im away.

Jack who seemed torn for a while, sighed deeply. Once it seemed he manged to decide what he wanted to do he nodded which I have to admit had me sort of realif since it meant I didn't have to drag grim away from all the fun of the festival.

So with that I thanked jack, since it would be rude not to do so, and took a moment to reached into my bag and pulled out some thaumarks. Holding them put to jack i explained that this would be for grim should he want something while I wasn't with them.

I also rolled my eyes as epel, and ace seemed to be acting like idiots and fake asking for money acting like they were some mere beggars, I just wonder why I delt with these idoits.

None the less I looked to grim wanting him to understand that whst I was going to ask him i really meant it.so once I had his attention i asked grim to behave while i was gone. After all I really didn't want to clean up his mess.

Once I was sure he at least understood I looked to the rest of our make shift group, I than wave to to them, before turning to walk away from them. I could hear them make some comments behind my back but ingore it, since it was best to not acknowledge it and just slipped away.

walking, everything was so loud and busy reminding me being at a con, with so many people moving about getting and buying things. But unlike at a con where I felt at ease since the people were like me, people who wish to indulge in a hobby that makes them happy despite the world's judgment. So much so I could blend into the crowed with out feeling like I stick out or in being judged.

Sadly Here I was around a bunch of Stanger with out the aid of music to help tune out the world, which only made me feel more uneasy, by the moment. Which was why I was trying to get away from everything. Since I knew I was getting overwhelmed and I needed my escape. Not that being near the guys was a bad thing, but we shared no true wave length, thus I got no comfort from them, at least not in a way I needed it.

So with some walking passing booths for foods and games I manged to find what looked like a way out from the crowed of people and slip between couple of booths. one seeming to be selling fry food that smelt really good and the other booth that had stuff animals pin to the wall for prizes. They even seemed to have one that looked like mine's partner.

I made a mental note to check onwhat the game was later, because I didn't really see it. Though because of the food and the toys I was sure I would be able to remember enough when I trying to retrace my steps back to the guys (or so I hope anyway)

I sighed deeply and kept walking taking a moment to glance behind me to try to get rid of the uneasiness I was feeling even roll my shoulders and neck hoping to get rid of the tightness hoping that would make me relax. but even than I dont think it fully worked as I walked and walked till I found myself at the top of a tall hill. Or rather more a say I ended up walking up a slope that over looked the grounds (at least it wasn't stairs since I'm and i quote healthier end quote, but not by much)

Pushing away those thoughts i re focused on the area around me, noted that slope seemed to plato to a field of white that seemed to shimmer in the moon light. the unnatural light from below didn't seem to effect it much, or maybe it did I can't be fully sure.

But looking up the sky it self seemed to be effect by it as if the stars were taken from it even the color of the sky wasn't its true color. for it was effected by the light pollution thanks to being so close to the festival and the town. But back at ramshackle the stars shine and seemed to be more clearer. And a part of me longed to gone back home.

Though the thought of ramshackle as home made my heart ache. For the stars and this place were not truly my home, all of it was foren lands; the stars were not the ones I grew up under, nor was the soil I stood upon was not the ones I learn to walk upon. Everything was not anything I knew and yet I have come to slowly plant roots.

Closing my eyes I took another deep breath and let go of a heavy sigh. The weight that rested on me felt almost suffocating. But all I could do was keep moving forward. After all my roots might be stretching but they can still be easily killed. Sighing once again I bent down and plucked a dandelion and took a moment to roll it between my thumb and index.

I watched it spin for a bit my mind filled with thoughts before I closed my eyes once more. For despite my fragment memories and this foren world, I was still me. And thus my beliefs and habits are still in tacked. So needing something stronger than a wish and hope (not to say I didn't do both)

I prayed for the safety of my family and that they don't stress to much about my absence. I than took a deep breath and blew on the flower. And hoped, prayed that it would reach them.

I than moved to pluck another dandelion though thus time i turn towards the lights which honestly made me want to take a picture. For in its own way, the festival was lovely yet it was a reminder that i was in forein lands.

I found myself humming and wonder if the guys were behaving, I honestly felt like I was taking care a bunch of small children. Or maybe that was a guy thing? But than I again I've had guy friends before. Though once that thought crossed my mind I frowned.

I tried to think more on that fact, yet like it usually happens, when ever I try to recall certain things my head would ache, as if something was locking away things from my world. And no mater how much I tried to recall information it wouldn't allow me to remember it and would only stop once I stop trying recall. Unfortunately it was sort of normal here in this new world, but I had no real way to get around it, well besides stop thinking about what I was trying to recall.

Sighing to push away those thoughts and go back to what i had originally been thinking about, I made a wish that they guys would behave and not do anything stupid, that I would have to try and fix. But if they must to at least give me a week of peace. And than I blew on the second flower.

Sadly I couldn't get off all the seeds which i wonder if that meant i wouldn't get that sane peaceful moment which may have been to much to ask for anyway given the fact i know my idoits. But still i have to ask for it. So I decided to just look at the lights for a bit.

Though after a while of watching said light twinkle before me. I sighed softly again for the uptin time. Recalling a promise that seemed to not have been answered, and i begin to wonder if I was foolish for getting my hopes up. Tears pooling at the conor of my eyes. closing them to try and push back the tears, they seemed to fall instead. Shifting the rabbit in my arms I used it to quickly wipe them away using its head.

I than grab another flower as I kept looking at the lights. For a while I watched out to a view that looked perfect for a painting or story setting. So shifting the rabbit back under my arm i than used my left hand to hold the flower while my right to get my phone to take a picture, which didn't seem to do it justice but will hopefully be enough for me later, when I was being creative.

I than return the phone in my pocket and than took the flower back to my dominant hand and looked to the flower again. Closing my eyes rather than give my wish and prey silently I spoke this next one out loud. Hoping that by speaking it out loud that this dream/wish/hope and prayer would be heard. for it was the thing I long for the most, despite its selfishness. I beg to find the happiness I've spent so long wishing for.

For the other half of me, who would see me and despite every cracks and flaw I carry on all sides, that they would find me good enough to want me beside them. My voice craking as I pleaded with all my souls begged with every ounce I had and apologize for being imperfect and not the best follower. But still asked for forgiveness for that and that I will continue to try my best. And asked and pleaded not to be alone. Ending it with a final plea i than ended the prayer like one would end a prayer.

And with that selfish prayer done, I blew on the flower not daring to open my eyes fearful to see if I failed and let my hand and than the flower drop to my side before opening my eyes wiping at more tears pooling in my eyes.

I knew i needed to relax before returning so no one would see me crying. And I honestly didn't want to deal with a headache especially since there was going to be fireworks later. Which honestly would only be a pain if my head is trying to kill me. Taking a deep breath I wonder if I should head back though I could see all the lights from here.

Fixing the rabbit i rub my face more into its soft fake fur. Hoping it would comfort me in some sort of way. Because the aching in my heart only seemed to fester dark thoughts, and maybe those dark thoughts would start to consume me, a double edge sowrd of being alone meant I felt both relaxed and depressed.

I sighed softly and wonder if I could ever be loved.

"Child of man." The voice was a familiar deep ethereal tone that sent chills up my spine, and quickly turned to look behind me and see a familiar male. Again I felt the shame fill me after all I was in the middle of crying not to mention how long had he been there?

"Horton!" I practically shouted the nickname i have long given my friend/crush months ago. Before I found myself rambling on about how I didn't see him, asking where he's been and what ever else came to mind, honestly a wish I could just shut up, but wouldn't that make it more awkward? And all the while I just prattle on i hadn't even looking at him (not that, that was new, since I don't look at people in general when speaking) none the less I was possibly making myself look more stupid than I probably was before.

"Yuu~" the sound of my name on his lips seemed to make my face feel more warm and my heart flutter in my chest. While also stopping me from just word vomiting continuesly

Taking a moment to actually look at the male. I wondered what he wanted to ask, since neither of us normally used the others name. So surely it was something of importance.

Watching him, malleus extended his hand to me their was a look on his face that seemed to steal my breath and make my ownersface warm up.

"I did promise to watch the fireworks with you, so would care to join me?"

Hearing that I did recall asking him to join us with watching the fireworks at the festival, if he didn't feel comfortable with everyone we can separate from the others a bit and watch alone (along with grim since I was a tad worried how he'll react to the fireworks and thus didn't want to leave him alone).

Either way I reached out to take his much larger hand, which was so much larger than my own. But it made me feel happy, I can't even remember ever holding anyone's hand so this was rather nice.

Though it seems before either us could leave the sound of fireworks suddenly sounded and while still holding the males hand I turn to watch in awe, the display of fireworks. I must have underestimated the parade since I swore it was going to be later and a lot longer but I guess I was wrong.

No matter what though I couldn't help but hold on tightly to the hand I now held as the lovely colors flashed in the sky before us, truly glad I got to spend this time with guy I held the deepest of crushes on, even if my feelings are one sided I'm just glad to pretend even for this moment that im his and he is mine, even if for but a moment.

#twisted wonderland fanart #electric twlight #fandom event #wind's art #muns art #no beta we die like men #self ship #please be kind

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