#ive been having so many anxiety attacks because of this

[1ovestay]

i think its kind of comedic how bad my mental health is atm cuz theres literally no reason for it like girl can u grow up

[straawberries]

gonna make another post since that usually helps with reach

teehee poll for reach. please read the rest of this if you can

HI IM DELILAH AND IVE GOT LESS THAN 4 MONTHS BEFORE IM HOMELESS WITH NO OPTIONS FOR PLACES TO LIVE

heeyyy its me delilah. im an autistic plural trans girl with ptsd, and im living in an abusive household with my adoptive "father" that absolutely hates me. in less than 4 months, i am going to be kicked out, and i am trying to raise the money i need to survive this event.

ive been trying, pretty much every chance i get, to get a job, but i think because of this shitty small town in texas, everyone already knows who i am and nobody wants to hire me. this means i have to rely on stuff like this.

by JUNE 1ST 2024, i need to make enough money to move out, or else... well, i dont really know what will happen to me (other than vague "homelessness"), but im really scared that it wont end well.

on top of that im rarely being fed enough which is seriously fucking with my mood and making me feel like shit, so im having to balance saving and eating which.. with the money im currently getting, is not very sustainable. other than a few people giving a lot (who i am eternally thankful for and if youre able to do this i would basically do anything for you) im basically getting zero donations.

i get that this kind of stuff is annoying and maybe a bit slow, but just taking a few seconds, maybe a minute or two at most, to give me a small amount of money, would be a hell of a lot more helpful than doing nothing.

C*SH*PP - @delilahswagga

P*YP*L - @delilahkill

plenty of people use stuff like this to scam, so heres some info about me if you doubt that this is true. (copy pasted from previous post)

i have a really big love for performing, i fell in love with theatre years ago and performed the addams family musical as fester about a month ago as my biggest role on stage yet, and right now im in the process of getting ready for antigone as teiresius. i love music, and its one of my life goals to learn as many instruments as possible, and currently i own quite a few, though my favorites are my two ukuleles and my super cool electric guitar. i have 8 partners at the moment, and i have a very big desire to one day live with as many of them as i can. i pride myself on being the best partner i can be, and its been my goal to make all my partner's lives better (and i think ive been doing a good job at it :3)

i love cats an extreme amount, ive never had a cat myself (because my dad is insane and hates cats and tries to hit cats with his truck) but being around cats makes me super happy and always makes my anxieties go away, even when im having an anxiety attack or a panic attack. i really hope i can get a few cats one day, and i want to give them all silly food names :) my fursona is kind of a reflection of that, her name is bagel. some cat names ive thought of are mochi, chili, Supreme Pizza, or maybe french fry :)

im not sure if ill be able to achieve any of my goals if i dont get the financial support i need. ive been.. really close to giving up recently, but i dont want to have to do that, so im going to fight like this for as long as i can.

[princeandreis]

okay i just had the weirdest thing just happen to me and im extremely confused (discussions of anxiety, body dysmorphia, and bodily sensations under the cut if you don't want to read that)

setting: end of abnormal psychology class; we'd just finished watching an upsetting scene from csi about a girl with body dysmorphic disorder who literally gouged holes into her face

i'm sitting there feeling a little upset, partially because of the video and partially because the day's lecture material hit a little too close to home (anxiety disorders and whatnot)

and then out of the blue, my ears "zone out" and a high-pitched buzzing starts, i feel unrooted and dizzy like the world just spun 180 degrees, my vision briefly goes dark and fuzzy on the edges, and i get this heavy but floating feeling in my chest -- like it's hard to breathe but my chest is barely there.

then i start to feel nauseous -- seriously nauseous, like i might have to leave the room to vomit, which genuinely never ever happens to me -- and my stomach feels like it does when my lactose intolerance is out to get me. meanwhile, my body gets so hot that my face physically starts sweating and i have to take off my jacket.

i was so freaked out by all of this and my hearing was so fuzzy i had to concentrate to understand what the professor was saying, and it felt like i was barely in the room because i was so inside my own head and body trying to figure out what was wrong. i was so scared i'd throw up or do something weird that i just sat motionless and stared straight ahead, wide-eyed, hoping it would all pass. all of this happened within a minute or two and then it was over.

girl wadda hell just happened to my body

[manicpixiefelix]

and other things that happened by the red staircase

{ One-Shot for head, heart, hand. }

Summary: Like with all events at Saltburn, you take great care to learn all you can about the guests for the upcoming Catton Family Reunion, to make sure you can make a good impression. You and Venetia, however, discover that Felix may be making too good of an impression on his recently un-estranged cousin.

Need to Know: They/Them. Explicitly NB Reader. FWB!Reader/Felix. Reader is from a well off family but has pretty much been adopted by the Cattons.

Warnings: felix fingering(/possibly going down on) his cousin but its not super explicit, reader having a social anxiety regarding the social event, venetia being kind of a nasty little perv i love her

A/N: 3841 words. this was meant to just be a little something about venetia and reader teasing felix after finding out he accidentally fingered his cousin, something i could write on my phone before bed. which i did but i didn't stop writing for 4 hours and it became too long for just an answer. also because there's a bunch of catton family lore ive invented and put it all in here.

also before any discourse arises, there's a character briefly mentioned here, Marv, who is an old butch lesbian who uses he/him pronouns. he is not trans, but chooses to use he/him, look into queer history if this bugs you, or go outside and off of my blog. you're reading the writing of an agender it/its lesbian, my blog is not a place for queer discourse, it's a place for being freaks about Jacob Elordi and Barry Keoghan.

TAGLIST IN COMMENTS!! // TAGLIST ALWAYS OPEN ! (just message or comment to be added)

----

It's been a particularly stressful event for you; so much of Felix's family is in attendance and you're desperate to impress them. It had been called a reunion, but nothing at Saltburn was ever so simple, nor so informal. As always you've prepared ahead of time; Duncan and Elspeth, as they always did, walked you briefly through the guest list, however unlike usual, instead of leaving you alone with the detailed dossier of guests, Elspeth herself had sat with you in one of the numerous studies - the lilac one - and gone through in meticulous detail. The family friends they refer to as cousins, the family they refuse to acknowledge beyond a handshake - and why. All the Catton branches and the gossip that haunts each. Things like how it's the first event in ten years that Sir James' estranged, illegitimate half-sister and her family were invited to. She's laughing, and you act like your nerves aren't on fire, like there isn't bile rising in your throat out of fear of the faux pars you could see on the horizon.

"Oh they're going to love you, darling," she assures. The minute she leaves you start nervous crying over the dossier, which quickly becomes an anxiety attack. It's been a very long time, especially since they'd kindly set up this system to alleviate your known anxieties, that you'd been this afraid of a dinner.

None of them can know.

You're almost eighteen, you're meant to be well past this, meant to have learned to cope with it by now.

On the night of the event, Farleigh's the only one looking as queasy as you feel - the family's pitying looks and grating questions have him going for a smoke break almost every five minutes. Still, Venetia's never without a drink in hand despite her mother's disapproving looks, and Felix is nowhere to be seen. At least at this family affair there's a number of people your own age. Many related, but many not - more friends of the family, or illegitimate offspring. Still, you don't want to put your preparations to waste, want to make a good impression.

There's mean laughter from by the fireplace as you find yourself in conversation with Sir James and his second cousin Barty, praising the man for his recent and lucrative foray into financially supporting broadcast television. James gives you and incredibly surprised and approving look, while Barty lights up with delight, claiming that there was hope for the young after all it seemed. Casting a glance to the fireplace, you see a few mean looking teens all watching you with sneers.

Barty asks how you found yourself here, and James pats you on the back before you can answer, claiming you as one of the wards of Saltburn; a good influence on his dear son, Felix. Pride flares in your chest. But you can still hear the teens call you a freak.

Its taking everything in you to not try and find sanctuary in the company of Felix, Venetia, or Farleigh. Its incredibly tempting, considering the abundance of desperate eye contact you and Farleigh especially are sharing, but you worry that if you don't keep face, don't put your information to use, don't remain visible to everyone in the room who you've convinced yourself are even tangibly related to Felix and his immediate family, every single one of them will hate you.

One day you will reckon with how profoundly your upbringing effected the expectations you place on yourself. Today is not that day. So you smile at Mildred Catton - by marriage, second cousin, young widow and now spinster. Well, she has a girlfriend, judging by the way Elspeth had spoken about her roommate of twenty-five years, and she has a kind and knowing smile as she compliments you - so beautiful, what a handsome young thing you are, oh you do remind me of Marv like this, back when we first met, of that's cute, you'd love him. Marv is short for Marvel Elizabeth, the butch woman who lives with Mildred and runs a bike shop and who you'd spent probably too much time looking at in the dossier, his arm around Mildred in her photo, both of them smiling so wide.

You kind of wish he was here. When you share the sentiment, Mildred looks a little crestfallen; you get the impression that not a lot of the Cattons share your feeling.

Still, talking to Mildred helps ease your nerves considerably. At least until you realise that it's been quite some time since you'd seen Felix.

You don't need him at all times... Don't need to know his whereabouts at every second of every day... But you've found yourself trapped in a conversation with a gaggle of the newer, younger, shinier wives of Felix's various uncles-something-times-removed, and one hadn't been updated in the dossier and you greeted her as the wife she'd replaced. So now you're mortified, like a deer in the headlights as they're all judging you, and you know you're on the verge of panicking or throwing up -

"Need to steal our lovely Y/N for a moment," Venetia, your saviour. She slips an arm in yours and doesn't wait for an answer.

"Venetia, dear -" Christie, owner of a failing fragrance business that she desperately doesn't want people to know is failing, but that her husband had drunkenly, forlornly confessed about to Sir James, barely get two truly disdainful words in before Venetia brightly throws over her shoulder -

"Love your dress, matches your roots, talk later Auntie Chris," and you can only imagine the flustered fury on Christie's face as the other women try not to compare the dark dress to the woman's dark roots peeking through her blonde hair. You, however, are gone speechless in your nauseous panic, and press yourself to Venetia's side as she pulls you through the crowd, "you looked about ready to kill yourself like one of those dishonoured samurai," she says quietly but casually.

"Yeah, that was the rough plan," you managed to joke weakly. Your heart was racing; you hated being like this. It takes you a moment to properly focus back in on the moment, and realise Venetia was dragging you along with considerable purpose, "are you okay?"

"I need your robot brain to help me decide if something's funny or just gross."

"My robot brain?"

"You know everyone here because - and I say this with love - you're a freak about these things-"

"Didn't know Iona," you muttered, once again horrified, gaze going glassy as all you can think about is how you called her Misha. Her husband had a type; models from northern countries and very little sense of humour, it seemed. Venetia snapped her fingers in your face, frowning, keeping your mind from wandering too far.

"They got married a month ago, you probably won't even see her again," she rolled her eyes, taking you by the shoulders, leading you from the main entertaining area towards the main parlous, "but the point is, I know we refer to everyone as Aunt or Uncle or Cousin or whatever, but I'm not even actually at all related to like half of them," Venetia pauses, looking at you very seriously, "but you know the difference, right? Like if I pointed to someone, you'd know how exactly they're here?"

"Uh, yeah, of course," it's who you were, it's what you did, "don't you?"

"Not," she visibly hesitates, gaze shifting to look around the room, "not really," she admits, they're all just, you know, family. There's always been too many to bother with the how or why of any of them, unless mum or dad felt it was important for me and Felix to keep in mind specifically," but after a beat she met your gaze with a wolfish grin, "or if it was particularly scandalous." Okay, you think you're starting to get her intentions.

"So who are you wondering about and why?"

The way Venetia was smiling could not possibly mean anything good.

"So," Venetia took you by the shoulders and steered you through the grand foyer towards the stairs, as if on her way to yours or Felix's room. Her voice had gotten quieter, conspiratorial, "I've been watching this unfold all night," she explains gleefully, "and I did think it was rather bold to be looking to get someone in bed at a family reunion, though I supposed that there is a good chance that they're not even related; as we've discussed, family is a rather loose, fond title for many of them here tonight," she's choosing her words incredibly carefully, skirting around her point for dramatic effect, "and," she stops in the doorway by the red staircase; you think you can hear faint moaning not too far away. Venetia's voice is a whisper, "I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt, considering I'm pretty sure I've actually never seen this girl in my life, so I can't say who she belongs to here."

Around the corner there's an attempt at a shushing that sounds more masculine, judging by the whisper of laughter that accompanies it, and a young woman's giggled apology, followed by a breathy gasp, and the faint sound of wood scraping against the marble floor. You and Venetia peer around the corner like the Hardy boys, you ducking down and her leaning over you.

The girl in question is leaning back against the antique, wooden end table at the end of the short hall, head throw back, chest heaving with wanton breathes. Wearing a flowing, green dress that looked almost like silk, but was clearly rayon when you had seen her up close earlier, you knew immediately who she was. More importantly, you were surprised to see someone in a suit on their knees in front of her, beneath her dress.

Alyssa Morelli has seemed absolutely out of her mind with boredom and disdain for this entire affair in the brief few moments you'd spent with her. Like you she was seventeen, and was the eldest daughter of Sir James' estranged half sister. Having barely any information about her, and also trying to focus on not losing your cool regarding that fact, it had made conversation, at least for you, incredibly difficult.

She hated the wine, hated her mother for dragging her along, hated the way rich people talked about nothing, and thought everything about Saltburn, the Cattons, and the entire night was a frivolous display of meaningless excess and wealth. Rich people are such freaks, she'd told you, with a look that clearly said that includes you, and she's finished another glass of champagne with one large gulp and a shudder. For a long moment you'd looked at her - perhaps you could have been a little less unnerving about it, but she'd caught you off guard - as you tried to think of something to say.

"I think you'd thrive at university," you blurt out. She gives you a look like you were some kind of unpleasant bug, having the audacity to continue speaking to her. One of the staff passes with a tray of more champagne, and you pluck two glasses off, handing one to her as you continued, "however I would be fascinated to hear your thoughts on the way our classicist society prioritises and celebrates formal tertiary education" you let your gaze roam, holding your glass in both hands with the tips of your fingers, a dead giveaway of your nerves without you even realising, but for some reason she's still letting you talk, "and the idea of the pursuit of knowledge without that being a financially sustainable life choice anymore if you do it the wrong way. Why celebrate scientists when we just disregard modern philosophers?" You take a sip of your champagne and try and tell yourself to shut up, "I know the answer's 'because you can't profit off of philosophers as easily as you can scientists', but it just kind of sucks, don't you think?"

A long, uncomfortable silence follows.

"I swear at least Felix, Farleigh, and Venetia aren't freaks," you blurted out. Alyssa's shoulders relaxed just a little. At least you were self aware.

"Who?" Its... less hostile. You point out Felix and Farleigh headed out for a cigarette with a few others around your age, and Alyssa sighs, rolling her eyes. She's still clearly got Catton blood in her, her eyes and nose even remind you of Venetia. Still, she headed towards the side door; even her walk seemed to ooze contempt for the night.

Now, watching her, moonlight peaking down the stairs to catch the way she's beginning to glow with sweat, white-knuckled grip on the dark wood and her once perfectly straight, dark hair turning curly with moisture around her face and by her shoulders, you're actually a little glad to see it. At least she seemed to have found one person not entirely unbearable.

You knew all too well how overwhelming and isolating these events could be. As much as you felt you could relate, you couldn't really understand what she'd be going through, her first time at an event like this, feeling that there's people in the room who truly think you and your family outright don't belong. She should take her fun where she can get it, you think.

Shoving Venetia back to give the couple their privacy, you push her back into the parlour.

"Who is that?" Venetia demanded in a whisper, eyes bright. You sigh, shaking your head.

"Alyssa, she hasn't been to something like this before, just let her have her fun," after a beat, you step in a little closer, hands finding Venetia's hips as you attempted to distract her, "you know we could -"

"Alyssa who?" It hasn't worked. Venetia takes your hands, "this is important." There's something that goes beyond mischief in her eyes.

"Morelli," but she makes a face like that's not enough, "Aunt June's daughter." Venetia frowned.

"Aunt June's daughter married one of those Dubai millionaires five years ago and hasn't sent her a single pound or even a message since."

"That's your Great Aunt June- Juniper," you clarified without missing a beat, "she's not even related to any of you; your mum doesn't know who she was initially tied to in the family." Venetia takes a few moments to give you a look of faint, disbelieving awe. Clearing your throat, you looked back over your shoulder as the suggestive noises around the corner were growing louder, "Estranged Aunt June."

Venetia's eyes lit up with what could only be described as malevolent glee.

"So she's my cousin."

"Yes."

"Actually? Blood and all? Not just one of my uncles' weird friends who's been hanging around for decades so now we have to call them family?"

"I'm beginning to get afraid of your intentions, Ven," despite your wary smile, you weren't really joking. Venetia completely disregards this, however, holding your shoulders so tightly it begins to hurt.

"That girl," she points sharply, the kind of intensity in her eyes that absolutely means trouble, "just around the corner, moaning like a whore, getting fingered, tongued, whatever -" she wets her lips in some kind of anticipation, "is my actual, blood related cousin? And you're entirely sure of that?"

Taking a deep breath, unsure of what the repercussions of this all will be, you slowly nod.

"Yes..."

Venetia steps back, has to clap her hands over her mouth to muffle her positively gleeful laughter. For some unexpected reason, this piece of information seems to be some of the best news she's ever received in her life. It almost brings her to tears. After she calms down, you think you hear her mutter something along the lines of I'm never letting him live this down as she fans herself, attempting to calm herself.

"Ven, are you okay?" Still utterly confused about what any of this means, you can't help the concern you feel. Venetia's nodding, fighting back aftershocks of giggles, gazing often at the doorway.

"Yes, I- you're wonderful, thank you for helping me with that-" overcome by another, brief fit of giggles, it takes her a moment to compose herself, "I love you and your robot brain so very dearly -"

"Oh my god~" from around the corner, and another, louder shush. Venetia buries her face in her hands, echoing oh my god as she chokes on laughter once more. When she resurfaces, face bright red with amusement, you take her hand and try to insist that you should give them privacy.

"Yes, of course," Venetia agrees, suddenly trying to appear as serious as she's able, "I just have one other favour to ask you."

"What?" You ask flatly, unsurprisingly wary, watching her struggle not to grin.

"Could you tell my brother?"

The question hangs in the air for a long, confusing moment.

"Tell him what?"

"That Alyssa's our cousin."

"Sure...?" you frowned a little, peering over her shoulders, "I don't know where he is though, I haven't seen him in a while." Venetia smiles like the Cheshire Cat.

Oh... no... she isn't implying -? But Alyssa's timing is unfortunately perfect.

"Oh my god, Felix~"

Your mouth drops open in shock upon hearing that.

"Oh my God," you groaned, pained by the realisation as your face scrunched up with sudden understanding and disappointment, "Felix."

Venetia is absolutely right, he's never living this down.

"You had me prattling on for fucking ages about nothing, just letting them go at it all the while? You could have just asked!" You hissed, already mortified on his behalf.

"You're letting them go at it now!" She crowed quietly, and ah, fuck. Yeah, she had a point there.

Rounding the corner briskly, you cross your arms but at the very least keep your gaze to the floor.

"Felix -" you clear your throat.

"Oh, fuck off," Alyssa, seeing it's you, groans with frustration. There's movement beneath her dress when you glance up; there's something almost comical about knowing what you're seeing is Felix sitting up straighter under there.

"I know that's you, Y/N," Felix had enough dignity to not sound ashamed or caught out. But he should, "just, yeah mate, could you fuck off a bit?" Its not a particularly sharp request, and if this were any other situation, of course you'd obligingly fuck off. However...

"Well don't fucking stop," Alyssa hisses to him, sounding almost embarrassed by the fact that he was giving you the time of day right now, "seriously, fuck off!" She tries to whisper-shout, but halfway through her voice turns to an unsteady moan and her head falls back against the wall again, "OhmygodFelix~" she whines, bringing one of her legs up over his shoulder.

"So should I wait until after you get her off to tell you?"

"Tell him what you little pervert?" Alyssa, furious at your refusal to leave, demands.

"Hey, be nice to them," you hear, vaguely muffled from under her skirt. You have to snort a laugh.

"Thanks Fi, I'll just tell you now, uh," you can't look at them in this moment, fighting off your embarrassed smile at you look to the ceiling, "I don't think this is what your dad meant when he suggested you get to know Aunt June's kids; this might be too welcoming for your recently un-estranged cousin."

Around the corner you hear Venetia cackling like a banshee, clearly having been eavesdropping.

Felix scrambles back from under Alyssa's dress, looking an absolute mess.

"You what?"

"Oh my god." There's nothing lewd about it this time, Alyssa herself sounds absolutely fucking mortified.

----

The next morning, over breakfast, the mood is... strained. Its Sir James who breaks the ice, brightly - though it's clearly forced - commenting on how the night took such an unexpected and unfortunate turn. Felix, who likely doesn't even remember the end of the night considering how thoroughly plastered he got after his unfortunate affair with his cousin, looks to his father very suddenly, the sudden fear in his eyes about what his parents may know hidden by his large, dark glasses. He'd threatened to drown himself in the lake if you or Venetia told anyone, but his memory got fuzzy from there. The hangover that he's half worried might actually kill him doesn't help.

"Such a shame," Elspeth sighed, "I would have thought June would raise them better than that."

"Estranged Aunt June's daughter, Alyssa," you leaned over to Felix to stage whisper the context to him, half worried the paranoia might kill him there at the table. Venetia does however feel the need to smugly butt in and remind him -

"Our biological cousin."

"Apparently convinced her younger brothers to riot and start breaking all the crockery," you finished. Felix frowned in vague confusion, a feeling which Farleigh seemed to share.

"And it was so unnecessary, like she knew it was the first family thing her mom had been invited to in a decade -"

"She hates rich people and thinks we're freaks," you sat back, shrugging, "she told me so herself."

"Who, June?" Sir James sounded downright heartbroken at the idea, so you quickly shook your head.

"Alyssa." It seems to alleviate some of his concerns, but not a lot, and Sir James goes back to his breakfast still looking rather put out.

"Well maybe," Venetia leans her elbows on the table, bread knife in hand that she was using to flippantly gesture with, "there's some rich people that she should hate," her gaze and smug smile lands on you, as does the nonchalant way she's pointing with her knife, right before she flicks her wrist as if pointing at her brother by pure chance, "and some of us who are freaks."

Felix glared down at his breakfast.

"I don't know why we un-estranged Aunt June in the first place," he grumbled mostly to himself, though not quiet enough that the rest of the table didn't hear. Sir James sighed with disappointment.

"I think in future we may have to limit June's invitations to only her and her husband," he says, shaking his head. Elspeth kindly tells him that it's probably for the best.

Venetia, still apparently feeling petty, threw a bread roll at her brother, who hadn't looked up from where he seemed to be trying to divine life's secrets from his plate of sausages. It glances off his forehead, but knocks his glasses loose and into his breakfast. A second later Felix officially gives up and follows suit, faceplanting into his food.

"Oh my god, Felix!" His mother gasps with concern.

Despite Elspeth sounding nothing like Alyssa had the night before, the familiar phrase sets Venetia off, cackling with laughter at the top of her lungs. While the rest of the table is utterly confused by the series of events that have just occurred, you scoot your chair over close to Felix, patting him sympathetically on the back. Beneath the table, he rests his hand on your knee to give a grateful squeeze. When he talks, only you can hear it, resigned and half muffled by scrambled eggs.

"Hate this family."

[talkethtothehandeth]

As much as I agree that people who have EDS shouldn’t talk over people who have worse disabilities than us, and as firmly as I believe that disabled people should let other disabled people speak about their struggles without comparing it to EDS, I need you to know that having EDS, especially my type— the one you find more often than other types, is not just “being bendy”.

I was diagnosed with EDS when I was a baby. I was very lucky, and was able to receive treatment (whether good or bad) quicker than others. However, EDS caused my hip dysplasia, it caused the condition that affected my mobility to the point where I needed three corrective hip surgeries; it was the cause of my bone not forming, I needed a bone donor to aid in correction. I have three long scars on my bikini line where Dr Caroll (from Shriner’s in Utah) cut into me in order to give me a better chance of having less limited mobility.

EDS isn’t just me being able to play bendy straw with my hands, it isn’t just me having to deal with “fake dislocations, it’s subluxations so it’s not that bad”. It caused my scoliosis, it caused my arthritis from my joints going out of place so often. I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis as a child, but as I got older, my arthritis spread to more places. I have burning nerve pain that makes me want to die, I have partial paralysis whenever my body decides to attack me spontaneously, I have dystonia, I have hearing loss, allergic reactions, and pain in every joint in my entire body. From head to toe, all of my joints, all of my muscles.

EDS is something that has severely impacted and negatively effected my entire body. It took everything from me, it took my already limited mobility, it took my peace, it took my mental health, it took my most beloved hobby ever— riding horses. I cannot sit to play piano, use my hands for my guitar, sit in a chair for more than 30 minutes without my back muscles screaming.

I took 14 pills every single day with multiple prescriptions because of what EDS has caused. I am undiagnosed with something that nearly killed me last year, everyone was preparing for me to die, and it has been dismissed by anxiety or an eating disorder, it is caused by my disease. EDS will affect me for the rest of my life.

EDS isn’t “just” being hyper mobile. This isn’t just a small disease that people go through, it is life altering and life compromising and life threatening from all of the comorbidities that come along with it; it is debilitating, it is isolating, it is pain that cannot be treated with even IV morphine, it is a constant, unrelenting acid rain condition just as many other physical disabilities.

People who have EDS shouldn’t try to play the Sick Olympics, we shouldn’t go to someone’s page and say “I’M JUST AS SICK AND DISABLED AS YOU ARE”. We should take the time to listen to people who have it worse, because so often they get ignored by abled people, they don’t need other disabled people to say that their conditions aren’t worse just because we have it bad. So many people are definitely more disabled than I am, and that absolutely does not erase my struggles.

Every physical disability affects the body in different ways, and every physical disability isn’t necessarily comparable to others. My degenerative arthritis isn’t the same as someone’s ankylosing spondylitis. My joints are fucked and my mobility has been significantly decreased as my disease has progressed. I am not going to compare my knees that will need to be replaced to someone whose spine is literally fusing together. Even though it’s a form of arthritis, it isn’t the same as mine and it isn’t my place to pretend it is.

But someone saying “it’s just hyper mobility” is perpetuating a harmful narrative, because people already don’t believe us, our stuff doesn’t show in labs and it only shows during further and extensive testing that many doctors don’t want to pursue because we’re “faking” or “being over dramatic”, because it isn’t “that bad”, it’s just bendy joints, it’s not debilitating./s It isn’t just being bendy, it is so much more and doesn’t need to be dismissed solely because it isn’t the same or as severe as someone else’s condition. Even if someone does have it worse, it doesn’t mean that EDS isn’t bad, and just because someone has EDS, it doesn’t mean it’s always comparable and needs to be shouted to the world on people’s posts about a completely different situation.

[olderthannetfic]

I hope you dont mins me asking

But how would you suggest the best way to not be so anxious in fandoms these days.

It just seems like im going to be bullied out of fandom for even wanting to be in fandom. Regardless of the kind of content i like or how i like it. Its just seems like people who are in fandom dont want to themselves and not really about older or newer fans not wanting more new fans... Just.. They dont want fandom to exist at all anymore. If thta makes sense

Ive been in fandom for years but only recently bacame an adukt and now i really wanna start getting more involved.. I recently started a series oneshot fic thats gonna take alot of time.. But i havent even posted an actual chaoter yet and i am so afraid of gettijg a bunch of shit for it.

Its not meant to be anything explicit infact i made it very sfw bexause thats what i wanted.

But what of someone decides hey fuck you this sucks and now im going to make up reasons that your fic is (ableist, racist, homophobic stuff like that). And i just... I want to write.

Years ago i was in a much older fandom(transformers g1 if you can believe it) and it was so nice there. Maybe its because i was young but theres wasnt nearly so much anti bullshit that there is now especially in newer fandoms.

I know theres like block and ignore and delete comments but... I dont want to deal with it. And i probably know there isnt realky anytjing i can actually do about it

Its just so bad. I want to participate in fandom, but fandom is so terrible these days. Ive seen so many of my favorite artists fucking dissapear over being bullied for something they said years ago thats now considered "worthy of being tortured alive" for saying.

I just want it all to stop. I thought fandom would get better as it became more popular. Artists would have more freedom and stuff.

Instead im afraid im going to get bullied for a fucking teen rated gen fic with zero shipping, zero dark theme, and zero sex on the off chance someone thinks its not good enough. Suddenly its not appropriate for teenagers for some dumb reason

When i fucking was one two years ago. (like mate i was reading robot porn at ELEVEN)

Im so tired. I think the only good thing about the fandom im in is the fact the creators of the media are actually super chill and even supportive about fans selling fanworks and comms of characters and stuff

This was supoosed to be a simple question but ig im just so sick of how fandom is that i ended up ranting about it.

--

Getting more popular makes things much worse, not better.

But overall, anxiety is about you and your internal emotional state.

There was always danger of being attacked. It looks different now, but fear isn't more or less justified in the present day. The actual level of danger isn't the issue here.

[eddie-van-munson]

Lightning Bolts (Eddie Munson x Reader)

Summary: (Hurt/Comfort) You haven't touched Eddie since he came home from the hospital. He assumes it's because you're disgusted by the way he looks, covered in scars from the Upside Down, but that couldn't be further from the truth. In reality, you're just afraid of losing him again.

Warnings: Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Triggers, Eddie has Scars from the Demobat Attack and Dislikes Them, Anxiety/PTSD, Talk of Death, Series Typical Violence, Spoilers, Cursing.

Requested by: @mazzeeeliz (a fic inspired by the song "A Love Like Ours" by Aron Wright). I found most of my inspiration from the line, "This isn't the end, It's only a season. A love like ours will never die." This fic is kind of all over the place though jdbfnd I'm so sorry.

(Medical Triggers: Eddie is in the Hospital after the Demobat attack. Non-Descript Mentions of Wounds, Injections, Blood etc.)

***********

"Why's it-? Hurts... hurts. It's...Fuck..."

Eddie's head wasn't there yet when his eyes finally opened. He couldn't get many words out, just a mumbled assortment of curses, whimpers, and slurred questions. His dark brows were furrowed with confusion as he weakly tried to pull the IV from his arm and tug his bandages off. He struggled against Steve pitifully when he reached out to stop him, his mind still disoriented and half asleep, but he was too frail to fight it. Your throat tightened at the sight of fear clouding in his eyes. You didn't like it. Not at all.

You'd been so desperate to see those pretty brown eyes open again. You'd wanted to hear his voice.

But now they were open, and when you searched for any sort of coherence or recognition in them, there was nothing.

He was speaking, but no words were there. Only croaked sobs and hoarse indications of pain.

Eddie wasn't awake yet. Not really. You almost wished he was asleep again, if only so he wouldn't hurt. He wouldn't be afraid.

You took his hand in yours as you stood beside him, Steve holding his other one to keep him from hurting himself. You hushed him softly as tears filled his big dark eyes, reaching up to feel his head. He was still warm from infection, but he was better. "It's ok, baby. You're safe. Just relax." You hummed as his breathing slowed. "There we go...that's it."

You dragged your fingertip over his face soothingly, tracing around his forehead and down across his nose. He calmed, staring up at you as you traced his cupid's bow and around his jaw.

"I know you're afraid, sweetheart. You don't know where you are, do you? Or why you're hurting..." You cooed to him gently. "You probably don't even know who we are, yet. But we're going to make it feel better, ok? Just gotta relax, for me."

He eased as you stroked his hair, running your fingers through his tangled curls. Some of the fear faded from his expression, leaving fogginess in his drug blown pupils. You brushed a tear from his cheek.

"Are you hurting bad?" You kept your voice steady and calm, holding his gaze. He gave a  dizzy nod. "Ok, angel. We'll find you some more medicine."

You hadn't been able to take him to the hospital. There'd been a hundred reasons why, the least of which being that he immediately would have been arrested for three counts of murder. He'd be sent to prison as soon as he healed. That is, if he healed. Small town doctors and nurses weren't exactly trained on procedures related to inter-dimensional bat maulings.

Instead, you took him to the lab, praying the whole way that there was something they could do. That you'd make it in time.

He'd been unconscious for days, his torn body pumped with drugs to keep him asleep and stable. They'd given him an emergency blood transfusion, and it was the longest 12 hours of your life. You paced the hallway, waiting. Waiting to see if his body would accept the transfusion. Waiting to see if they could knit him back together. Waiting to see if he'd live through the night.

You sobbed in relief when they said he was stable enough for you to see him. They'd decided put him under, which was dangerous in the state he was in, but it had to be done. It would have been cruel to risk him waking up like this, and he needed to be kept still and at rest to aid him in healing.

It'd been a few days, now, and Owens was starting to transition him off of the general anesthetic. He'd warned you it would take him a while to get his head back, if it came back at all. There was a possibility it wouldn't after that kind of physical trauma. You didn't let yourself even consider that possibility.

He was under sedation still, but it was more to keep his muscles relaxed and ease him awake. Even though he was conscious, he wouldn't remember. He was stuck in between sleep and awake. Owens called it "twilight".

You could see him thinking, his tired eyes searching your face and the room as if it were a puzzle to solve. He stared at you, brow furrowed like it was on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn't quite make the connection. You held his hand for a long time, soothing him as tears rolled down his flushed cheeks.

"Y/N." It was practically a whisper. His voice was hoarse, but it was there.

The relief that spread over you was like a warm, sweet tidal wave. "That's right, baby. You starting to come back to us?"

Steve stood when he heard him speak, only to return a moment later with a glass of water. Eddie stared up at him as you gave a soft 'thanks', studying his friend in quiet confusion. Steve smiled, giving him a little wave. "Hey, man."

Eddie's paused, his expression relaxing, and swallowed thickly. You could have cried when he spoke, again. His voice was so small and pitiful, "Hey."

He sounded like a scared little boy.

His sweet, sleepy brown eyes found yours again, and you frowned, grazing your thumb along his chapped lips protectively. "You want some water, baby?"

He took a moment to process, but gave a slow nod, his hand coming up to reach for the glass.  You held it for him, helping him take slow sips.

"Y/N..." He murmured, squirming weakly in his sheets. "Hurts."

"I know, sweet boy. It'll feel better soon, I promise." You glanced to Steve and he nodded, leaving to get the nurses. Eddie whined softly and glanced around, as if he was trying to find what was causing the pain.

For the first time, he saw himself. Really saw himself. He was covered in bandages, countless lines of stitches scattering over the few parts of him he could see. The bites. You watched his eyes as he realized the state he was in, a few pieces of the puzzle clicking into place. Immediately his breathing started to quicken with panic. A sob escaped his throat, his hand trembling where you held it, and he gave you a panicked look.

"I've got you, Eds. It's ok..."

His lower lip quivered when he exhaled, tears welling over and rolling down his cheeks. He scrunched his face uncomfortably, voice cracking. "Hurts...it hurts."

 "Hey..." You fought your own tears as you cradled his chin, making him look up at you. His pulse sped as you guided him in slow breaths. "They're coming to fix it, baby. I've got you."

"Make me go to sleep. Please. Please make me sleep." His voice was rough. He squeezed your hand, giving another little sob. "I don't want to look at it."

Your lip quivered as you held his face in your hands, trying to keep him from upsetting himself further. His beautiful brown eyes were so full of pain it made you feel ill. You choked pitifully, "I love you so much, Eds. I'm sorry. I'm...I'm so sorry." 

The door opened. Steve and the nurse.

"What's wrong?" Steve took one of Eddie's hands, trying to relax him. You couldn't answer. Vaguely, you could hear the nurse talking to Steve. He's panicking. You brushed the tears from his cheeks as you watched the nurse prepare a sedative from the corner of your eye. It's better to put him back to sleep. His heart rate is getting too high. Steve flashed you a concerned look as he reached out to take hold of Eddie's bicep. Can you keep him still for me? Eddie clung to Steve's forearm where he held him, inhaling sharply at the injection. He tensed in your arms, and you hushed him sweetly as he went still.

"We've got you, Eds." Steve's brow furrowed as he watched his body sink slowly. "That's it."

You cradled him against you as you watched his eyes finally go empty, his head lulling back. Slowly, you let him go, allowing his body to fully relax into the mattress before immediately breaking into sobs. Steve rushed to you, pulling you into a tight hug, but the words still echoed in your head.

It hurts. Make me go to sleep. I don't want to look at it.

***********

Months Later

Eddie was desperate to be touched. He ached for it.

He'd healed. His stitches had come out, leaving hundreds of scars. The bites were hardly visible to anyone but himself now, but the larger wounds on his ribs and chest were dark and un-ignorable. And they always would be.

Eddie hated them. He hated every last one of them. He hated the memories they gave him of blinding pain and the feeling of blood soaking his clothes. But more than that, he hated how they looked.

He knew it sounded stupid. Vain, even. But he'd never been very happy with his appearance in the first place. He'd learned to live with his looks Sophomore year, when he'd grown his hair out, but he'd never liked his face or his body. He was always too lanky. Too pasty. Too thin in some places and too soft in others. Too many acne scars and stretch marks.

But now? He'd kill to look the way he used to. It made him sick to think he'd ever complained about it in the first place, because you hadn't touched him since he left that lab.

The government had pulled some strings, airing news stories all over Hawkins.

Man Found with Murder Weapon: A Breakthrough for The Cunningham Case

Finally Behind Bars! Hawkins Breathes a Sigh of Relief!

Justice is Served in Local Murder Cases

They gave a name and a picture, some guy no one had ever seen before, and that was that. The town was appeased and no one really went to jail. No more Munson Murders.

Still, Eddie stayed inside with you at the apartment you shared, too sickened by the idea of stares. It was a new feeling for him. He'd always welcomed the stares. He couldn't, anymore.

He'd been out once. He went to the grocery store down the street for cigarettes and milk. A little girl stared at him in the grocery isle, and he didn't think much of it at first. Kids stared at him a lot. They thought his clothes were funny. He smiled at her, giving her a little wave. Without warning, her eyes went wide, terror filling them when she realized he was looking at her. Tears welled in her big baby blues as she broke into cries at the sight of him, hiding her face in her mother's leg. Her mother looked over, picking her daughter up and soothing her as she mouthed an apology.

He hadn't left the house since. Every time he thought he could, he imagined those big blue eyes filling with tears.

You took care of him, though. You were patient. You listened. You let him cry. A lot. But you didn't touch him.

You'd only hold him in your sleep, rolling over and wrapping your arms around him tightly as you murmured nonsense. It was heaven, every time. He waited so patiently for you to fall asleep each night so he could pull you into his arms and feel your skin, warm against his.

The only time you still wanted him was when your eyes were closed. He tried not to let that hurt his feelings. He didn't blame you.

Today marked another month. Eddie didn't want the alarm to go off. He wanted you to stay in his arms, snuggled in against the crook of his neck where you still loved him. Where you still wanted him.

He kissed your forehead, traveling down to your nose, and you curled in closer. He smiled, gathering your locks up off your nape as he laid you down against the mattress. You barely stirred. Slowly, as not to scare you, he nuzzled his face in your neck, letting his hand lace through your hair and cradle your head. His lips were warm and soft as he peppered them over the sensitive skin of your throat. You moaned softly, head tilting back. A hot breath fanned your skin as he breathed a relieved sob, letting his kisses deepen. You hummed his name breathlessly, your fingers lacing in his curls.

He gave a gorgeous sound as you searched for friction against him, needily. He groaned, pushing your baby hairs back off of your forehead as your sleepy eyes fluttered open. Lazily, you slid your palm up his chest and over his throat, gazing your thumb over his cheek as you pulled him down into a kiss. He felt like he was going to pass out, he was in such bliss. You were warm and gentle with him, and you'd just found his soft spot right below his ear when your kisses slowed to a stop. A scar. It was tiny, just two faint spots from the fangs of a bat, but it was there. Your stomach went cold.

 It hurts. Make me go to sleep. I don't want to look at it.

Suddenly, your skin felt icy. You were looking into his pained eyes, watching him beg you to be put under. You were putting pressure against his shoulder, praying and sobbing as he choked on his own blood. You were outside the trailer, watching him be shredded by a million bats. Hearing him scream.

You tensed, and Eddie immediately stopped, pulling back. He looked you over, concern furrowing his brow, "What's wrong? What happened? Are you hurt?"

"No...no I'm..." You pulled your shirt on, and the mattress dipped as you stood, headed towards the closet. "I'm late for work."

He frowned, glancing towards the alarm clock. It hadn't even gone off yet. "Babe, you've still got an hour before you've got to leave."

You blanched, fumbling for an answer as you hit a button the alarm clock, cancelling it. "I know I just...um...I wanted to get there early. There's some stuff that needs done.

He wanted to cry. "Y/N..."

You turned to him, your heart aching when you saw the look on his face.

"I need you talk to me." His shoulders were slumped, his arms wrapped around himself where he sat in bed. "I feel like you've got a million things going on in your head lately and I don't have any idea what a single one of them is."

He looked so small. So insecure and hurt. You sat in front of him, taking his hand in your own as you tucked one of his curls behind his ear.

"I just..." You took a shaky breath. "I don't think we should do anything too physical yet, Eds. You're still healing."

"I need you to touch me." He croaked, tears stinging his nose. "I need it. And if you don't want to touch me, I understand that. I know you didn't sign up to be with Freddie Kruger, but I need you to tell me that if that's the case. I can't keep holding out hope that you'll want me again."

You shook your head, your stomach knotting sickly as your jaw dropped, "Eddie no...God no, Eddie. That's not it. That's not it at all. I-...I don't want to hurt you, baby."

"I'm healed. I've...I've been stitched up. Everything is closed and strong, again. Owens said." He sniffled, rubbing at his tear stained cheeks. "I...I need you. If you still want me, then I need you. I need you to hug me after work again. I need you to kiss me goodnight and make love to me. I need you to hold me on the couch when we watch movies. I need things to be normal because I don't...I don't feel human anymore."

"Eddie..." Your eyes finally brimmed over as Eddie gave a sob. Trembling, you crawled into his lap. His arms wrapped around you so tight it nearly hurt. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." You bury your head in his shoulder. "I'm afraid. 'm just afraid. I can't bear to see you in anymore pain, Eds."

You'd been distant. You knew you had been. For months you'd longed to touch him, but the fears in your head deterred you from even trying. Every time you found yourself wanting to let your hands wander, your head clouded with thoughts.

What if he reopens a wound? What if his heart can't handle that yet? What if he's in pain but he's too embarrassed to tell me?

You'd been so terrified to hurt him that you hadn't realized you were doing exactly that. Hurting him. You'd been neglecting him for months, all in the name of keeping him safe.  You'd left him thinking you didn't want him. That his body was too marred to be desirable to you.

"Look at me...Look at me." You held his jaw firmly in your hands as his breathing steadied, his warm, glossy brown eyes watching you.  Your thumb grazed over his cheek, "There's not been a moment where I haven't wanted you."

You said it sternly, leaving no room for negotiation. Eddie shook his head, his forehead creasing with confusion. "I don't understand."

You sighed, guiding him to lay his head against your chest. He gave a shakey breath, taking in your body warmth and the feel of your hands in his hair as he listened to your heartbeat.

"They had to restart your heart." You struggled to say it, an ache churning inside you at the memory of his body jolting under the charged paddles. "They had to pump you full of drugs and keep you asleep...You were so fragile, baby. Never knew if you'd make it through the night..." You held him tighter, comforting yourself. "You could've left me at any moment."

Eddie rubbed your back, sweetly. He clung to you, as if he were trying to protect you from your own memories.

"And when you came to you..." You choked a little, trying to take a deep breath. "Your eyes were so empty at first...and then you were in so much pain. You begged me to make you go to sleep."

Eddie's chest lurched. You'd never told him that, before. He imagined, momentarily, how he'd have felt if it had been you laying in that bed instead of him. He immediately went nauseous.

"I felt like I was torturing you. Keeping you alive with tubes and machines and drugs just because I wanted you to stay. Owens told me the moment he saw you that it might be more humane to let you go...but I couldn't do it, Eddie."

Eddie pulled back to look at you with big sweet eyes.

 "And then you were better and you were home. I didn't want to let myself get used to having you. I felt like the universe was going to play some cruel joke and take you away again. It'd been touch and go for so long. You were so fragile. If something happened...I wouldn't be able to keep going if I lost you again, sweetheart."

You gave a quiet sob as he reached up to brush away your tears.

"I've wanted you so bad for so long, but I'm so scared. I don't want to risk hurting you." You kissed the top of his hair, "I thought if I didn't touch you I couldn't hurt you, but I did. I hurt you so bad, Eddie. Made you feel unwanted. Made you feel like you aren't the most beautiful boy I've ever seen."

"You don't have to say that."

"I'm not saying it because I have to, baby." You rubbed your eyes. "I mean it. I mean it so fucking much."

You were in awe of him as you sat in his lap, his cheeks still pink and his eyelashes stuck together with tears. He pressed a kiss to the pad of your finger as you traced his lips.

Your voice was barely whisper when you spoke again, "Sometimes I wake up before you do, and the sun is just starting to rise...the heat from it turns your nose pink."

He smiled softly, and you can't help but smile too.

"Most of the time you're still dreaming. You talk in your sleep, Eds. Did you know that? You make the sweetest little sounds. The funniest faces."

He watched you as you replayed a memory in your head.

"I could watch you forever like that. Warm and sleepy and happy...God, you're so pretty, angel. You're so pretty. You're perfect. I'll say it a million times a day now, huh? I'm not gonna let you forget it ever again. I've wanted you so bad, sweetheart. You have no idea."

Eddie was breathless, his throat tight. "I'm sorry."

Your brow furrowed, "For what?"

"I should've realized something else was going on." His voice was rocky with emotion. "I love you. I know you. You'd never stop loving me over something like this. I wasn't fair to you. I just..." He bit his lip. "Everything changed between us and when I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see. I just assumed you didn't like it either."

You pulled him close, kissing his forehead and his nose, "Eddie Munson, you could have horns and green skin and I'd still want you. I mean it. You've got me whipped. You could have feathers sprouting out your ass."

His eyes welled as you gave him a sweet kiss. He murmured against your lips, his tightening throat making his words hoarse, "What if it's worse than that?"

You pulled back, crooking your brow, "Worse than feathers sprouting out your ass?"

He laughed softly, wiping tears on the back of his hand as he sniffled. "You haven't had a look at me in a while. I didn't exactly...heal well."

You stroked his hair, looking concerned. "What do you mean by that? Do you still hurt?"

"No. The marks are-"

"The marks? Your scars? Is that what this is about?"

He nodded, swallowing, and gave a humorless laugh. "Like I said. Freddie Kruger."

Your heart sank as he poked fun at himself, trying to cover up his own insecurity. You shook your head, resting against his chest as you toyed with the collar of his shirt. He used to sleep without one, but he'd grown to favor throwing on a Megadeath shirt he'd accidentally gotten a few sizes too big.

"They're such a comfort to me, Eds."

A comfort. What? Eddie's forehead creased as he looked down at you. They usually did the opposite for him.

"How?" His voice was shy, as if he still halfway expected rejection.

"I saw you torn up, Eds. You bled out in my arms. I can't tell you how good it is to see where your body has healed from that."

Oh. Oh. He'd never thought of it like that.

"I have nightmares a lot." You hummed, quietly. "When I wake up scared I can just trace your arms. Look over you." You hold his hand to you, admiring the swirling dips that'd been forever carved into his skin. "I thought some of these would kill you. But you're still here, and all that's left of the hurt is just..." You trailed off, smiling softly as you admired him. "Lightning bolts."

He exhaled, amazed. "Lightning bolts."

"Silver and pink..."  You drew the jagged line  across his forearm, looking up at him. "Can I see the one on your heart?"

You hadn't seen it up close since it had healed. Maybe you'd caught a glimpse or two of it while he changed, but you wanted to touch him. Fear still bubbled in your chest at the idea of your hands on him, but the want in his expression eased it.

He laid back against the pillows, curls mussing as he tugged the large shirt up over his head. Your insides fluttered. You were straddling his hips now, your hands tentatively creeping up over his belly as a warmth settled low in your tummy. "Oh, sweetheart..." 

He was gorgeous. The deep, rosy tear ran right right up to his collarbone, tapering at the ends. The tattoo on his chest had been nearly split in half by it. He stared up at you as you touched him. Admired him. He could see that you liked what you saw. That you wanted it. He could feel it, too.

Heat was starting to pool between your legs where he was pressed against you. It'd been so long. This sweet boy wanted you so bad, and it'd been so long.

"Eddie..." His palms slid up your thighs, giving you a squeeze as they rested there. "Can I tell you something?" You planted your hands on his abdomen.

He nodded, unable to find words. The sensation of your body warmth against his middle was making him feel dizzy and drunk.

"I've missed having you inside me, Eddie." He groaned at your whisper, and your cheeks heated as you sat pressed against his bulge. Your panties were getting damp against his boxers. "Sometimes, I'd lock myself in the bathroom and-"

He bucked weakly against you and you gasped, searching for friction with a few rocks of your hips. His throat went dry. "What did you do, Y/N?"

"Touched myself."

"Jesus baby..."

He thrusted up against you, bouncing you in his lap a little. You gasped at the feeling, biting your lip.

"I did it too." He choked out, trying to catch his breath. "I touched myself, too. Got off when you went to work...Y/N, please. Please touch me. Please."

Your eyes went wide as he begged you.

"We can take it slow, have a safe word just in case, I don't care, but I'm so hard. It hurts..."

It hurts. Make me go to sleep. I don't want to look at it.

You tensed, looking down at your love below you. There he was, beautiful and breathing. And there were his scars. You could feel the roughness of them as you traced your fingertips over his skin. Touching all of the places he'd healed. His pretty brown doe eyes looked up at you pleadingly. You took a deep breath, reeling your mind back in, and sat up on all fours.

Eddie's breath quivered as you nuzzled your face against his cock in his boxers, your hot breath making your name fall from his lips like a prayer. You slipped your fingers into his waistband and pulled them down off of his hips, revealing is painfully red cock. He was visibly throbbing, leaking pre-cum onto his sweet soft tummy with every pulse.

"Fuck Eds. Is this all for me?" Tears rolled down his cheeks as he nodded, whimpering as you kissed up his shaft chastely. "I've been neglecting you, haven't I? Made you hurt so bad. I'm so sorry, angel." 

He reached down for your hand.  You thought he was going to wrap it around his length, but instead he laced your fingers with his, needily. Your heart melted.

"Sweet boy...I'm gonna take such good care of you all day. I'll make you feel so good you forget your own name. Do you think that'll make up for it? Is that a good start?" You sucked one of his swollen balls into your mouth, releasing it with a pop.

His stomach tensed with pleasure, "But-"

"I'll call out of work, Eds. Don't worry about that. I've let my angel forget how pretty he is. I need to remind him. That's all I'm worried about, right now."

He gave a little sob, words breaking, "I love you."

"I love you most, pretty. I love you so much." He squeezed your hand, eyes fluttering shut as his body relaxed. "That's it, sweetheart. Just lay back and let your head go dumb for me. I've got you."

You dipped your free hand between your legs, gathering your slick on your fingers and bringing it back up to his cock. You pumped him a few times, smearing yourself over him before dragging your tongue from his base to his head. Eddie's pretty back arched as his brow furrowed with pleasure. He watched you as you sank your throat down onto him, stroking his base as you bobbed on his length messily.

"Whoa, no no no stop. Holy shit, you've gotta stop."

You froze, pulling off of him so fast as panic settled in your belly. You crawled up him to cradle his face, thumbs stroking his flushed cheeks. "Hey, what's wrong baby? What hurts? Is it too much?"

"No, no 'm ok." He rasped. "I was just..." He trailed off, ears going red.

You smiled softly, "What is it, gorgeous?"

He preened under your praise, his eyes squeezing shut, "I just...I was about to..."

"About to cum?" You brushed his baby hairs back out of his face, fondly.

"Yeah", He gave a pitiful laugh, rubbing his eyes. "Nearly creamed myself. I'm surprised I've made it this long. I feel like a blushing virgin."

You grinned, kissing him as you draped your body over his carefully. "Why'd you stop me? You should've taken what you needed."

"I want to be inside you."

You wiggled your eyebrows at him, "I can wait fifteen minutes, angel."

"I can't." He whined pitifully. "Miss you too bad. I'll let you suck my cock later. I promise."

"Oh you will, huh?" He grinned at that. A real, chesire, Eddie-grin. You giggled in spite of yourself.

"Don't be a brat." He groaned, rubbing his eyes.

"Oh, I'm sorry." You coo, "I forgot that's your job."

He laughed brightly, reaching down to tickle your sides in retaliation. You squirmed, pulling him into a distracting kiss. He hummed against you, pouting. "I'm a brat now? I thought I was your pretty boy?"

You trailed your lips down his throat, his breath growing ragged as you dragged your tongue over the little bat bite. You nipped at his earlobe, sucking it. "Oh sweetheart, of course you are." You punctuated your words with kisses as you worked your way down to suck his collarbone. "My pretty, sweet, perfect little brat."

Sitting up, you straddled his hips again, rocking back and forth for a moment to push your soaked panties down off of your legs. He groaned deep in his chest at the sight of you, and you smiled, taking his hand in yours.

"Close your eyes, for me." He smiled softly, obeying. You inched up his chest, opening his hand and bringing it between your legs.

"Holy shit..." The moan he gave as his fingers slid through you was so pretty you could have cried, "You're so fucking wet." He let himself explore for a moment before you felt the heel of his palm graze your clit, his index and pinkie fingers pressing into the creases of your thighs . His hand pressed flush against your pelvic bone as he slid up into you, his middle finger hooking inwards against a soft spot below your belly.

"Jesus Christ, Eddie." You squeaked, holding his wrist in place as he fucked you with his thick fingers. "Shit, sweetheart. Those bats could've eaten half your fucking brain and you'd still know how to make me cum on these pretty fingers, wouldn't you?"

He laughed, smiling lazily at the praise. Your eyes scrunched, and he could see your stomach starting to tense as he rubbed small, tight circles directly over your g-spot. Your hips bucked into his hand and he bit the tip of his tongue, brows furrowing with focus as you started to clench around him. You pushed down on his wrist, pulling his fingers from inside you.

He whined, frowning as if you'd deprived him of something, "Why'd you do that for?"

You smirked as you caught your breath, watching him bring his fingers into his mouth to suck them clean. "Because..."

You spread your thighs where you straddled him, lowering your cunt enough to slowly glide your heat over the length of his shaft.

His head pulled back with a moan, and you leaned in, kissing his sweet lips. "...I want to cum on this perfect cock."

He pulled you back down into another kiss, a longer one. "I still feel like I'm dreaming." He whispered, his nose burning. "Feel like I'm gonna wake up and you'll be gone, again."

Pain bled through your chest, your eyes going glossy. "That's how I've felt ever since you came to, Eds."

"Well, if this is a dream..." He cradled your face, his nose nuzzled against yours, lovingly. He offered you his pinkie. "Let's just promise each other we won't ever wake up."

A tear brimmed over, and you brushed it away quickly and hooked your little finger with his. "I love you, so much Eddie Munson." He smiled sweetly, his dimples showing. "If you ever die on me again I'm gonna kill you."

The corner of your mouth tugged, "Not if you behave."

He laughed loudly, his head lulling back. He groaned with a smile, squeezing your thighs. "You're half way there, hovering that pretty cunt over my cock like that. So cruel...You gonna make me beg again?"

He exhaled sharply, bucking his hips, desperately as you reached a hand down to stroke him, lining him up at your entrance.

"Y/N L/N..." He murmured gently, his head lulling back.

"What is it, gorgeous?"

"I love you too."

Your stomach fluttered as you sank onto him, and you were unsure if it was because of the words or from the feeling of him splitting you open. Curses fell from his lips as your brow furrowed, a dull ache forming in your tummy. It'd been too long. Much too long.

"Fuck, sweetheart. I'm not gonna last long." He croaked, his eyes rolling back in his head.

"M-Me neither." You whimpered softly, "This is a lot better than your fingers."

He laughed, and you gasped a little, feeling him move inside you. You chased the sensation, rolling your hips on him. He nudged the same tender spot as before with every movement.

"That's it. Ride me, angel...Feels so fucking good." He babbled weakly as you grinded on him, your slick heat smearing over his lower tummy.

You whimpered softly, a tear rolling down your cheek, "Eddie..."

His hands found your hips, knowing you needed more, and lifted you off of him just enough to drop you back down. He thrusted upwards, bouncing you down onto his cock. Your head fell back, your whimpers going choppy with every thrust of his hips.

"That's it, baby. Let me know how good it feels."

You cried out, the lewd sound of wet skin slapping against wet skin filling the room. His hips against your ass. Deep. Deep. Deep. You felt an ache inside you. An itch that needed scratching.

He pulled you down to lay against his chest, and you could feel him throbbing, his hips still thrusting up into you. Your walls tightened around him.

"Ed-d-d-d-ie" Your voice was small and hoarse, your face buried in the crook of his neck. "I'm..."

"That's it, honey. Cum around my cock. Soak me, sweetheart. I've got you."

"I love you, Eds. I love you so much. I'm close I'm cu-- Oh, Oh, Oh..."

Your eyes rolled back in your head as you went limp, every nerve ending in your body frying into warm TV static as you stomach spammed and pulsed around him. You could distantly hear him moaning as he thrusted into you one, two, three more times. He gasped your name hoarsely, clinging to you as you felt his heat fill your belly.

For a long time you laid there, your bodies smeared with a million different kinds of sin. Neither of you would let go of one another. Eddie whimpered softly as occasional aftershocks made your muscles twitch around him.

He could feel a sticky mixture of cum and wetness starting to drip down onto his hip from your cunt. You locked eyes as he pulled out, reaching down between you to dip two of his fingers inside you. You squirmed a little, but went still as you watched him bring his fingers back up to show you. He hummed softly as he spread them, sticky, glistening strings forming between his coated didgets. He made eye contact as he brought them into his mouth, sucking his fingers clean.

You scrunched your nose, "You're nasty."

Eddie burst into loud laughter grinning, as he rubbed your thighs. He gave a fond hum,  "Nah, baby. We taste good together."

You stared up at him. He could tell he'd made you curious. He crooked his finger and you moved closer, letting him pull you into a dirty, messy kiss. You moaned as your tongue grazed his, and you tasted yourself on him. A thin string of saliva and cum stuck between you when you parted, breaking when you licked your lips. He giggled, gathering some from your chin onto his thumb and letting you kiss it from the pad of his finger.

He gave an wicked grin, "Now you're nasty too."

You rolled your eyes, pressing little kisses to a few of the scars on his chest. Eddie's heart melted as you nuzzled against the marks on his chest, resting your head there. You were quiet for a long time, just enjoying touch again.

"I love you so much." You cooed so softly. He could tell just from your voice that you were falling asleep. "I think you're so beautiful." 

He smiled, cradling your face. "I know you do, baby." He tapped his fingertip on your nose. "I'm sorry I forgot."

"I'm sorry I let you forget."

Your forehead creased with guilt but he tutted, rubbing the furrow from your brow with his thumb. "No no no...that's enough of that. I simply cannot allow you to look so sad after I've just fucked your brains out. It would ruin my reputation."

You fought a laugh, but lost out. "You're such an asshole. I was trying to be sweet."

He grinned, humming. "You're always sweet."

"Is that a problem?" You played with his curls, passively.

 "A huge problem, actually. Wish you'd knock me around a little. Put me in my place, you know? Call me your little slut?"

You smirked, "You'd cry like a baby."

He laughed, sighing. "Definitely." He rolled you over, tucking his head into the crook of your shoulder to press kisses along your jaw. "Can't help it though. I like being your pretty boy."

"Aw..." You teased, "Sweet little thing. You like being my pillow princess don't you?"

He hums a yes without processing the words, but quickly pulls back to look at you, frowning, "Hey!"

You broke into laughter as he pinched at your sides again, making you giggle and squirm.

You stayed in bed with him all day, only getting up to throw on some clothes frantically and open the door for the pizza delivery guy. You watched scary movies and laughed until you snorted and ate way too much.

And just like that, something in you started to heal. Something that had been painful and jagged.

It would take time to fix it completely. There would still be tears and nightmares, but you knew that soon enough it'd knit itself back together, leaving you with those same pink and silver lightning bolts over your heart that Eddie had.

Proof that both of you had lived through that terrible night. And you'd both healed.

***********

@eddielives1986

[tangledinink]

heyy!! srry to bother u again but ive started my drabble (which is actually gonna probably end up being like 3-4k augh) and i just have a question

ik mikey has ADHD and is medicated for it, but are any of the others? i would love to project my adderall woes onto as many of the turtles as possible LMAO

this particular oneshot is leo-centric insomnia stuff he learns how to play chess and it's a whole Thing

anyway thanks!! and i LOVED that comic abt them at the fancy restaurant ohmygof it made me wail

Eeee yay!!!! I’m so excited to read it when you’re done!!! :D I do think Leo probably has ADHD, but it’s not as ‘severe’ (or at least doesn’t present as classically) as with Mikey. He and Raph are currently not diagnosed with anything, but lowkey Leo probably has ADHD (at least lol) but has kind of “gotten away with it” so to speak, at least this far. Raph most definitely has an undiagnosed anxiety disorder, and their Dad (and brothers…) have been side-eyeing them both for a while now.

Yoshi has been trying to get Leo and Raph into therapy for a while now but they’ve both always been kind of resistant to it. For Leo it’s mostly because he associates the concept of therapy with Mikey and Donnie and their struggles, so he looks at them and looks at himself and is like “??? What no. I’m not the same as them so why would I need therapy or anything???” and also plays the comparison game (“yeah sure I have a hard time with X but it’s not as bad as Mikey’s time blindness or Donnie’s sensory issues so this is fine and normal, actually.”) Raph, similarly, tends to use Donnie as a “benchmark” so to speak and thus is like “well my panic attacks aren’t anywhere near as bad as his, so I’m fine,” bless his heart.

Mikey doesn’t have anything going on besides ADHD (though he does also struggle with eating a little at times coz,,, adderall), but he’s just SO ADHD. Level 100 ADHD. Donnie, my sweet baby boy, kind of has a gaggle of neurotypes and issues (autistic, anxiety, disordered eating, some OCD traits, handful of other uncategorized things…) and his family has always been very supportive of him, but the downside is that Raph and Leo are now internally kind of like. What? No. I don’t have issues. [gestures to Donnie] HE has issues!

For some reason I like the idea that Leo occasionally bums adderall off of Mikey when he’s having a particularly hard time with schoolwork or a project and is always like “lol it’s a study drug makes brain go brrrrr” and Mikey is like :||||| mmmhmmmm… yah…. that’s what this is…..

But!!! This is all very up to interpretation? I think? If you wanna diagnose Leo with ADHD and put him on Addy, then please, by all means, go right ahead! Also!!! THANK YOU!!! :3c

[amethystdreamer114]

Spoiler Alert 🚨

If you’re on OUAT season 5 you’re safe. If not, I mean I’d still read it but you’re gonna get spoilers🤣 (it’s worth it though 🤫) Also please forgive me if the storyline isn’t exactly how it was in the show… this is sorta just off the top of my head so there could be some things I’ve forgotten🤣

Okay so I just have this thing- you know that scene in OUAT where Gold has a heart attack and then ends up in the hospital with (spoiler alert ‼️) Zelena? And you know how she sent him into a second heart attack and he ended up intubated?

Alright well here’s my thing.

The series went through that WAYYYYY too fast for my taste so let’s engage in a little “Rumple-Whumple” shall we?

First let’s think about the parts we *didn’t* see during that episode (Heart of Gold 4/17).

Rumple is in New York after being forced out of Storybrooke by Belle. When we catch up with him, he’s opening the door to his son’s old apartment and he happens to find Robin and his “family” there. With how quickly he has the heart attack and how little it takes to push him to it, we can only assume that he’s been having “build up” symptoms all day.

So what would that look like?

My idea is that he might’ve been up at 3 a.m. the night before with what he deemed “heartburn,” not recognizing the whole bit about his dark deeds poisoning his heart (or in this world, heart attack symptoms.)

Maybe because of that chest tightness and pressure, he didn’t get much sleep and that took away the time he desperately needed to rest.

So by the time the morning comes, he’s still having pains on and off and he feels exhausted. Perhaps he skips out on breakfast because he just doesn’t feel up to even making something simple.

He goes on about his day, walking the streets of New York… loud traffic, too many people, and of course his leg hurting from being without magic to stop it.

Of course he’s got Belle’s voice in his mind- he replays the moment she sent him away over and over and over until he realizes his chest is really starting to hurt.

He makes his way to Bae’s apartment, hoping he can just rest there for a bit before getting back to finding his way back to Storybrooke.

That’s when he finds Robin and the others.

The longer he stands there arguing with Robin, the more he feels lightheaded, the more the room spins, the more his anxiety spikes and the pain in his chest runs rampant…

Then, he blacks out.

Moving on to the hospital…

When Rumple wakes up, his head hurts from the fall, and his body is sore all over from the heart attack.

Now, he feels even more exhausted and pained, but *vulnerable.*

No one who he can trust is here. He’s lying in a cold hospital room in an uncomfortable bed with stiff blankets and an IV in his arm. He misses Belle now more than ever because he knows if she were there, she’d be by his side, tending to him and making sure he felt cared for and loved.

Alas, he’s here with the Honorable Thief himself, and so he acts big and bad when asking for the magic he needs to get back home.

While he waits for Robin to get back, he’s alone with his thoughts. He imagines being back home with Belle. He can practically smell her homemade bread he loves so much. He can feel the soft, slightly worn blankets around him. He hears her sweet voice saying she’ll be there in just a minute.

When Robin finally returns, he drinks the potion, thinking he’ll be healed immediately. This is where it gets interesting….

He realizes nothings changed. He’s still in pain, he’s still tired, he still feels like he’s made of lead and moving is impossible.

Soon enough he’s discovered that Zelena is right in front of him.

He knows she wants to kill him, or worse, use him for something. The more she talks, the more pressure he feels settling in his chest. His heart rate skyrockets and he feels like he can’t breathe… then, those words…

“You failed…oops.”

He can’t take it. The pain, the anxiety, the everything… his heart gives in a second time, leaving the monitor going wild as his vision fades.

He wakes up stiff, cold and pained once again. He feels the softness of a cool towel on his head and leans into it slightly before realizing it’s not Belle who is tending to him.

Despite how sore he is, he does everything in his power to scoot away from Zelena, but being intubated and weak makes it much harder.

He doesn’t like the feeling of being intubated at all, but there’s nothing he can do. He’s at the mercy of the medical staff and Zelena.

His throat feels sore and scratchy, and he wants nothing more than to be curled up in Belle’s arms, drinking a warm cup of tea.

Sadly, that doesn’t happen. He gets another threat from Zelena- putting him in the position of choosing good or choosing to live without constant pain…

He couldn’t help it. He blinked.

[vorpalfae]

ive been living with sensory issues my whole life, i freak out when someone makes small changes to my routine, like i hate doing spontaneous things, most of the time i hate physical affection, & i have such a hard time socializing & making friends. i have bipolar disorder and other disorders like anxiety, etc. but my treatment for those things doesn't help with these other issues i have. i hate being like this and i want to work toward change but i don't know what to do to work toward it. 😞

like i said i have trouble making friends and i always have since i was a kid. i've always felt like an alien compared to other ppl. and that's fine because i prefer being alone. but i hate that i can't act normal in social situations and ppl always think im rude or weird when im not trying to be 😢 and it sucks because i kinda have to be in social settings sometimes because i have children. and i dread it for these reasons every time. nobody is interested in the same things as me. and when i talk about my interests ppl tell me im too obsessed with something or tell me its weird altogether. which hurts. and when i am able to make "friends" i always get taken advantage of because i can never tell when someone is taking advantage of me and my kindness or if they have malicious intentions with me. and i feel stupid every time because my bf will tell me they are "obviously playing you" or my mom will say stuff like "can't you tell that they aren't interested?" or the one i always get is "why can't you see that this guy is flirting with you/trying to sleep with you."

idk if im just having a panic attack or a mental breakdown or what. but this has been building up inside of me for years. i feel so stupid and weird. i have to carry lotion around with me because if my hands don't have moisture on them at all times i literally sit there with chills going up my spine and i can't touch anything. certain clothes make me want to rip my skin off. and my family gets annoyed every time i have to run back in the house because i forgot to grab it. which just adds to the guilt i feel for being this way and i can't control these issues no matter how hard i try.

i've literally made so many lists and "rules" for myself on how to act around ppl and i try so hard to follow them just to get through whatever event is going on.

i think thats why i throw myself into my interests and use them to escape reality so much. once i find something i like i become obsessed with it forever and i talk about it so much to the point where my bf tells me its too much. certain characters and shows are the only thing that brings me comfort sometimes. i have so many unnecessary lists and categories for my interests. i know its very time consuming and pointless but just having them makes me feel better. like pinterest for example is my best friend lol. making these lists and stuff just soothes me in a way. as stupid as that sounds. but even tho it comforts me it still makes me feel stupid because ive never met anyone else who does that.

i've never ever spoken about this stuff online/publicly before. mainly because of embarrassment and fear of being bullied for it since ive already been relentlessly harassed for a million other things. i just have so much anxiety all the time. and doing pointless things helps with it but i want to stop feeling this way. or at least have answers as to why i am this way so maybe i can fix it. im tired of feeling awkward or different from other ppl. i want to be normal and pleasant to be around. i want to get along with the other parents at school functions instead of being scared to talk to ppl. i can't even make eye contact with anyone i talk to. ive tried since i was LITERALLY a child and no matter what i always get scared or nervous and look away. and its really noticeable to other ppl because they've mentioned it to me.

i'm posting this to vent but also maybe someone reading this has gone through the same thing or can help me. because i feel so hopeless and im scared im going to be this way forever. ive only been able to find info on the sensory thing and ive found that there is no way to get rid of it. ive tried everything and ive given up on that. but i know i can change my actions and how i interact with ppl if i can just figure out WHY i am like this.

pls don't laugh at me or say anything mean if you choose to comment on this post. i already have so much anxiety and fear about posting it. i don't want sympathy or anything like that. i just need help 😞🥺😢

i have an appointment booked for seeing a psychiatrist but that isn't until november i haven't seen one since i was a little kid. so i'm hoping to maybe get some answers in the meantime.

i already can't work and im getting disability soon because my bipolar is so crippling. it affects my ability to function so much. and i have these other problems on top of it. the fact that i can't even make a living like "normal" ppl makes me feel bad about myself already. and since i can't get a job or a career i want i just want to feel normal in my everyday life and around ppl AT THE VERY LEAST.

[straawberries]

I AM GOING TO BE KICKED OUT IN 6 MONTHS AND I AM NOT MAKING MONEY FAST ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO AVOID HOMELESSNESS

hey girls its me again. ill.. try to keep this brief? as brief as i can atleast.

if you havent seen my previous posts, hi, my name is delilah, im an autistic transgirl system with ptsd thats living in an abusive household where im barely fed and am constantly miserable, and to top it all off, the second my birthday hits on JUNE 1 2024, i am going to be kicked out. i want to make around $2000 dollars before then, but i only have about $350 right now. at my current rate, i wont be able to reach my goal, and i dont know how im going to get housing if i dont. to repeat in big text so people pay attention:

if i do not get about $1700 more in donations before june 1 2024, i am going to be homeless.

im trying.. really hard to not give up but its looking bleak. because i live in a small town in texas where everyone knows that im an autistic trans loser, ive been unable to get a job, and ive been forced to do this. i dont enjoy being forced to rely on other people's kindness, but its the best and atp really the only option i have.

C*SH*PP - @delilahswagga

P*YP*L - @delilahkill

i make pixel art too! dm me if youre interested, i do most things including furries/anthros, humans, chibi/dolls, backgrounds and scenes, and small animations

a lot of scams claiming things like this have been going around, so ill talk about myself some. click the readmore if you want to read that.

i have a really big love for performing, i fell in love with theatre years ago and performed the addams family musical as fester about a month ago as my biggest role on stage yet, and right now im in the process of getting ready for antigone as teiresius. i love music, and its one of my life goals to learn as many instruments as possible, and currently i own quite a few, though my favorites are my two ukuleles and my super cool electric guitar. i have 8 partners at the moment, and i have a very big desire to one day live with as many of them as i can. i pride myself on being the best partner i can be, and its been my goal to make all my partner's lives better (and i think ive been doing a good job at it :3)

i love cats an extreme amount, ive never had a cat myself (because my dad is insane and hates cats and tries to hit cats with his truck) but being around cats makes me super happy and always makes my anxieties go away, even when im having an anxiety attack or a panic attack. i really hope i can get a few cats one day, and i want to give them all silly food names :) my fursona is kind of a reflection of that, her name is bagel. some cat names ive thought of are mochi, chili, Supreme Pizza, or maybe french fry :)

im not sure if ill be able to achieve any of my goals if i dont get the financial support i need. ive been.. really close to giving up recently, but i dont want to have to do that, so im going to fight like this for as long as i can.

[iamthat-iam]

hey Bry, i hope you’re doing good, i wanted to ask for help because im tired of this, like i dont know who else to ask ( 😔 ) could you please tell me what i'm doing wrong?  (long text ahead)

i’ve been into Non Dualism for a while, not that much tho, i was into the Law of Assumption community and i was having that point of view and the i discovered ND. I felt like i was being blessed because the main idea of Non Dualism is so freeing. I consumed all types of ND contents you can imagine, i was in every corney of the internet looking for info and different perspectives, and i was doing…. meh. I was learning but i had my up and downs but i was slowly “detaching from ego”. Then something happened i had a few problems with a class of mine and i felt like a fell from the progress that i had. I was trying to read more and more content to try to make me understand that “hey its ok”, ofc that never worked because my teacher accused me of plagiarism and the owrse part is that is true but is not bcs of bad reasons i just used AI  and wanted to make my assignments easier and my mental health was awful for me to complete them. Then i found out that my grades were low and i dont know if im going to fail, or repeat my semester, and the worse, i dont want mynparents to find out and pay for those classes. I feel awful because they’re really expensive and i just want to solve this. Believe me, im so tired of reading content and not knowing what to do. I’ve tried every “tecnique” to slowly detach from ego, but i just can’t stop thinking about these problems, they’re haunting me like crazy. I know this is just ego but, ive had so many anxiety attacks because of this like i don’t get it. I'm sorry if im sounding too demanding, im literally asking in the best way possible, what else could i do?

A lot of bloggers say “you don´t need to understand this, is your ego worrying” and others say “slowly question yourself what ego says or sees and go back to your origin” that gets me so confused and i'm exhausted. im so lost and i just want to delete everything and feel better. i know ND, is not about this, it shouldn’t make me feel like this, is just very simple. i just have too many problems like Bry i am really concerned, my mothers finances haven’t been the best and i don’t want her to pay a lor of money. I'm terrified to let go of this desire to change my grade circumstances, because I'm scared that if I do, nothing will change and everything around me will only worsen, and it feels like I've got such little time to change things. I know it might b the best to “let go” and do nothing but like, what if it stays the same. I dont even understand when people say “let it be” or i saw a girl saying “if you have a problem, dont do thing to it. ignore it and it will solve” like how??? i feel defeated and i just want to be free. im so scared to be in this position when the week ends, or by the month ends. im so lost. i feel like i only know this intellectual, but when the day passes and i say to myself “I AM” i just can’t feel it, i feel like a limited body. i give up on trying to achieve something,Ego seems so exhausting and scary and terrifying. i want to leave everything behind and be gentle with myself. what can i do? what should i do?

thank you bry if you read this fully, i really try to follow your blog and i like your kindness towards ppl. i hope u have a nice day

Im doing good ty for asking!

You have to take a leap of faith. I know it's scary to let go of control and trying to change things but if you don't, you will continue to feel like this and the problems will continue to exist. Trying to change a problem is you acknowledging that there's even a problem in the first place. Worrying about these problems are just keeping them there, because you keep acknowledging that they exist.

Your true self doesn't have problems! So when you know yourself as you really are, and are not identified with the person dealing with such and such issues, they have to go away. There's no possibility of things staying the same because everything appears and disappears based on what you are aware of.

Surrender. Just know that everything will work out in the end (because everything is already perfect).

[sophieinwonderland]

hi o/ jus wana start by saying dis is jus semi incoherent rambling of a sleeby oupy who didnt get to eat 5 borgars for dinner.

i find the anti endo point of “just doing it for attention” so weird

for one its really disconected from real life, like, attention is a basic need fir our body, its why solutary confinment is such good tourture. its like saying “theyre just doing it to get food” :l dumb argument, evyone needs and withholding food because someones starving is an evil thing to do, an so is ignoring someone who’s in need of social interaction.

and two, its blatantly wrong. like, we’ve told 0 people irl about being a system, we’ve only told like, 3 online friends, and we never talk about system stuff with them still cuz we’re scared of loosing those friends for being too weird. we pretty much never post about it on our blog an besides the blog description no one wud probably ever know. the one time someone guessed we’re a system in a discord servr i had a full anxiety attack an avoided any interaction for 2 weeks even tho they were accepting, an then when we finaly went back to talking there i made sure we had any trace of system stuff wiped from the servr profile an deleted the messages that made them ask and only just showed that all again after 2 months of keeping everything hidden. we’re terrified of people we know knowing we’re a system or getting attention cuz of tgat.

tho we’re definitly on the extreme end for that (mostly me tbh… the social isolation and abandonment issues exo-memories and the body’s trauma from similar irl stuff deff made me super scared about this) but its a pretty similar experience for a lot of systems from wut ive seen where telling ppl is pretty much an act of compleat trust an usualy very anxiety inducing.

besides, if someone really wus just after attention, they could just post a incorrect fact online or a really dumb take. thats much easier an will get a lot more attention than faking being a system ever could. like, saying something like “reading is bourgeoisie” on a semi popular post will be a thousand times better at getting u attention than being a system ever could.

theres so much more i wana say about this, like the ableism inherent to that argument point, or the way its linked to child abuse, but phone keyboard is stupid and terrible and im too hungy to think well enough to write out those points properly an do them justice.

anyways, i hope u have a great day/night depending on when u read this.

Right! And if they're claiming people are wanting positive attention, I don't see that as being that hard either.

Like, if someone wants to talk to people on the internet about stuff, there are spaces out there for literally anything and anyone. You're not going to get more attention for being a system than you would for being outspoken in a fandom or a religion or any other social group you're a part of.

People who want attention... don't need to pretend to have people in their head to get it. And the attention you would get for that is often going to be negative because a lot of people are sanist and pluralphobic. But as you mention, it's not even the best way to get negative attention when there are so many actual troll-y things you can do.

You can find hundreds of communities online with people who will support you and give you attention for your takes on various topics! Or you can find hundreds more who will hate you if you push the right buttons!

There's just... no logical reason to fake being plural for attention.

And isn't this, again, the very same claims that have always been made against the LGBTQ community?

It's actually kind of funny how that happens, isn't it?

The people who are getting attention are generally the ones who most conform to society. It's not plural or trans people. It's the ones who do their best to fit in and be like everyone else in their group. Meanwhile, people who have identities that diverge from the norm are often left outcasts and shunned by peers.

And yet it's the latter group that's accused of attention seeking?

It makes no sense. 🤷‍♀️

[chibinightowl]

Waiting is the worst part. Logically, Tim knows his husband is in the best possible place for the care he needs. But he's also behind doors that not even the name Wayne will open, waiting alone in a place that has caused him so much trauma in the past.

Well, perhaps not this particular hospital, but other medical centers and other medical professionals have all contributed to Jason's PTSD.

Tim can't even sit with him, hold his hand, and field questions so his husband doesn't have to. He can't tell the staff to speak up, that Jason is half deaf on one side and has damage on the other thanks to an accident years before. He can't give him a hug when he goes back for his scans and offer a smile when he returns.

What's worse, what's tearing Tim's guts up inside, is the guilt that he didn't listen when Jason first mentioned he wasn't well. Admittedly, they both thought the nausea was a side effect of the panic attack Jason suffered two days before. He'd spent the morning vomiting before a doctor appointment he couldn't put off any more. They chalked it up to anxiety and that it would pass once the visit was over.

The appointment might be over but the nausea remains. Chills and cold sweats have entered into the mix and Jason has spent the last couple of nights tossing restlessly in the living room where the floor is paneled rather than carpeted. It's not unusual for him to lie there--he runs warm to begin with and has said he enjoys a nap where the flooring is cool on his skin.

This morning when Tim woke up, Jason was still there, whimpering and restless. His eyes cracked open when Tim sat down in the armchair with his coffee. "Babe, I don't feel good," he'd said.

"I know," Tim had soothed. "When did you last take your nausea meds?"

They both know what a vicious cycle Jason's brain can get stuck in, how his body reacts to stressors and how in turn he'll fixate when there's nothing actually wrong. Many a virtual doctor visit has been had for exactly that.

But today, tears welled up in Jason's eyes when Tim brushed him aside. "I took them already," he'd said. "Nothing is working. I can't eat. I can't drink. I'm cold and hot and I fucking hurt. I know this shit is all probably in my head but I want to see a doctor and have them tell me that to my face."

Tim remembers all too well how he'd felt like he was humoring his husband when he snagged his tablet to look for the closest urgent care clinic. It's at the clinic where the PA prods Jason's abdomen and he curls up tight against the pressure.

"I think you might have appendicitis," she'd said and sent them on their merry way to the ER.

The whole drive, Tim felt like a damned tool. He's had appendicitis himself, he knows the symptoms, and has even gone through the surgery. How did he miss this?

At a stop light, Jason had placed a clammy hand over Tim's. "Don't beat yourself up over it, babe."

"I should have known..."

"You should have known shit--your symptoms were different."

This is true but is beside the point. "I'll stay with you," he says in a rush. "For as long as I can."

It ends up not being for very long. So here Tim sits in the cafeteria, nursing a cup of coffee and fucking around on his phone. Jason's maybe 500 feet away in a triage staging area, but it feels like miles. He has an IV for fluids and has been given medication for pain and the nausea. He's NPO in case he'll need surgery.

All of these things Tim knows from his own experience earlier in the year. He'd done it all by himself because Jason's PTSD wouldn't allow him to even set foot in the ER. He'd tried, oh had he tried, but Tim told him it would be okay, that he'd keep in touch by text and to keep his phone on him.

Jason might be able to walk in here now but he shouldn't be alone. But the ER is crowded and there are no extra seats in triage for guests. Jason had squeezed Tim's hand when the nurse told him he needed to wait elsewhere.

"Keep your phone on you, babe."

"I won't put it down."

And so he waits, gnawing on his guilt and feeling like the worst person ever.

[feleon]

Hands On p. 1/2

Hands On: Nurse!Leon x Patient!Reader

Nurse!Leon Headcanons

PART 2

The sun had already said its goodbyes for the days hours ago, and you were cleaning up after dinner when a sharp, aching pain hit you in your torso.  You kneeled to the floor as you couldn't muster the ability to stand.  

  You glance at the clock.  How late was it, why is this bullshit happening now?

  8pm.  The clinics were all closed right now.  You tried to let it pass, gritting your teeth through it for an hour but to no avail.  Your muscles felt like they were 

  Your only option was the hospital.  There was no one to drive you, so you grab your keys and booked it grandma speed to the local emergency room, hobbling up to the secretary at the desk when you arrived.

  "My chest is killing me, it's been twisting me from the inside for an hour!"

  She nonchalantly looked up from her desk, tapping the sign in sheet and motioning for you to take a seat in the lobby.  She was completely blase about the world around her, you wondered how she treated a severe emergency situation, if she carried herself with the same cadence she did now.

  You took a seat in the hard, uncomfortable chair and turned to the news.  You wondered to yourself why they had the news running, as if people waiting in the ER needed more bad news and energy in their life.  You tilted your head back against the cool window behind you as your name was called.

  "Right this way!"

  You were guided to a small room, and as soon as you entered your escort had left.  On the bed was a pair of scrubs and a urine cup with no further instruction.  Since you weren't a juvenile, you took it upon yourself to just finish the process, changing in the bathroom and providing a sample, clean catch be darned.

  The woman who escorted you later came to retrieve the sample, completely oblivious to the fact she hadn't given you any instruction and you basically had to carry her.

  "Your nurse will be in shortly to do your admission."

  Aaaaand she was our just as soon as she came in.

  You waited on the cot, reading the signs hanging up on the wall that pharmaceutical companies definitely paid for, once again laying your head back as you waited, unable to sleep from the ever-present aching.

  As you tried to drift off, your sleep waas interrupted by footseps and a scratch of writing on the bedside board.

  "Good evening, my name is Leon and I'm going to be your nurse this evening.  Let's get started by getting those vital signs.  Then I'm going to draw your blood, set up an IV, and we will do an EKG.  Just routine testing for chest pain.  You know, chest pain generally indicates a heart attack, but many people confuse what chest pain really is."

  You felt like you were going to have a heart attack, your nurse was fine as fuck.

  A suave, bulky blonde man with fitted scrubs was attaching a cuff to your arm, and an oximeter to your finger.

  "I like to get my readings manually,  more accurate that way." 

  You were glad he was focused on the meter, because if he looked you in the eye you knew you couldn't hold that gaze.  Once he finished listening to your blood pressure, he palpated your pulse, his touch was gentle.

  "Your readings are within normal range, let me listen to your heart."

  He slowly pulled down your gown.

  Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck.  You began to panic.  The cool bell of the stethoscope was warmed by your hot skin, as your temperature rose with your anxiety.

  "Oh, your pulse is racing now.  Your heart sounds normal, I don't hear any extra sounds or rubs.  I just see some slight palpitations.  I understand you're nervous, but I'm here with you."  He coaxed you with his sweet tone, grabbing your hand in his, rubbing his thumb over yours.

  "I'm going to draw some labs and hook you up to some fluids, if you are nervous it may help you to look the other way while I insert the needles."

  He was coaching you through the process, extending your arm and palpating for a vein.  His soft, blonde bangs obscuring his eyes as he scanned your forearm for a good spot.

  "You're antecubital looks good, I'm going to go there."

  His smile was melting you inside.

  He applied the tourniquet and with a quick pinch your blood began to flow through the tubes.  The vials filled quickly and the needle was quickly released from your arm.  However, you winced as you felt a second pinch as he anchored your IV.  It didn't take him long to secure it, as he tapped your arm to let you know he was done.

  "Good girl.  Now let's get that EKG done."

  Good girl?  

  He must think you're febrile with how red your face was turning.

  He lifted more of your gown, exposing your chest.

  "Alright sweetheart, this isn't going to hurt you when they com eoff either, I'm just placing some stickers so we can attach the leads.  This allows us to get a good look at different angles of your heart and see your rhythm.

  Sweetheart?

  His technical skills made the whole process painless, but his presence definitely left you too nervous to speak.  As he was performing the EKG he asked you the general assessment questions.  Allergies, medical history, family history, medications, etc.  He also seemed interested in your life, not just to help you relax but out of a genuine care for his patients.  You discussed recent events and hobbies in your life with him, as he opened up to you.  He was finished with his assessment before you knew it.

 "I'm going to go send your samples to the lab, and show your EKG to the doctor.  He will be in to discuss your results with you.  Is there anything you need before I leave?"  

 While you didn't need anything from him, it was nice of him to ask.  It felt like everyone else was in a rush here, but he took his time with you.  

 You shake your head.

  "If anything changes, don't hesitate to hit the call bell and I'll be right there-"

  You were interrupted by a loud beeping, and the technician from before shouted as she walked by,

  "Leon, your patient just started coding, we are setting up IV access and waiting on the doctor.  He was fine one minute, now he's unresponsive, come quick!"

Leon nodded in your direction as he turned and left the room.  He may have taken hi time with you, but the ER can turn on a dime.

  You laid your head back and decided to doze off, the pain getting better, the constant alarms around you singing you to sleep as you got used to their tune.

  You weren't sure how long it was before a knock woke you up and a lab coat entered.

  "I'm here to go over your results with you.  Everything seems normal.  CBC within normal limits, your troponins are not elevated.  Your EKG displays normal sinus rhythm.  I think you just had a muscle spasm.  Your electrolytes are normal so I know it isn't that.  It doesn't seem to be anything to worry about.  You're not in any pain, are you?"

  You shake your head again.

  "Good.  I'm just goign to order you some cyclobenzaprine to take as needed for your spasms for the time being.  Leon will be back in to go over your discharge and you can go home."

  As Mr. Labcoat turned and left, Leon entered with some paperwork.  He meticulously went over the discharge paperwork with you and explained how you can manage your pain and spasms for the time being.  He cracked some jokes with you before you got up to change into your clothes and head out.

  "In the nicest way possible, I don't want to see you back here.  I wouldn't mind seeing you on the outside.  Take care, sweetheart.  Have a good evening."  And with that you both left the room. 

[peachesofteal]

I have to say that shamefully I am not the biggest fan of GhostSoap, that's just not the content that clicks with me. But I just had to give your story a chance after reading your others fics and seeing other peoples reaction to it. I Honestly did not expect a story like what you've written. Your story has put me in a weird headspace, which is good promise!, I understand now when people say that some story help you in processing trauma, and in this case my anxieties and insecurities. Your writing is so fucking good that I actually had a mild panic attack in chapter 9 during the kitchen scene, cause oh my god have I been there many times. This story has imprinted itself in to my soul. Thank you so much for writing this story, I love you! PS: I can't help the feeling of wanting to get into Johnny's head more about his feelings. I feel like we get plenty inside Darling's head as well as Simon. I can absolutely be wrong and you can absolutely just ignore this ps and just do you, because I still love your story telling soooo much. Ok gonna stop gushing now, bye love you! ❤❤❤

Ahhh welcome to poly cod hell! (Just kidding) But seriously, I’m flattered by your words, and I’m so glad you’re enjoying our crazy little throuple. I love you too!

Ive been trying to keep the POVs balanced and since Johnny had two chapters back to back I wanted to take a break, but one of the next two chapters is from his POV. 🩵