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🔥 kenny :)
HI! THIS IS VERY LATE. APOLOGIES.
send me a 🔥 (and a topic) for a hot take!
something i have been noticing more and more frequently lately and which i have therefore been thinking about more than usual is how annoying i find it how canonical stereotypes of poverty are reflected and worsened by the fandom.
what i mean by this is that i have seen more and more interpretations of kenny which highlight only his most stereotypical and arguably more "negative" traits, some of which are genuinely not even canon. for example, kenny being dirty and/or smelly; being scruffy and sloppily dressed; being completely broke and willing to do absolutely anything for money...
don't get me wrong. kenny's family are poor. kenny is willing to do most things for money, as emphasised most notably in "fat camp", where he performs numerous disgusting stunts for quick cash and fame, and "the city part of town", where he works a shitty underpaid job to buy a doll for his sister. but even in south park, this is all framed as exploitative - i think we only have to look so far as the joke about sexual exploitation in "fat camp" to explore how and why this is the case, and reflected in a realistic setting in fanworks it is utterly bizarre to see this exploitation played off as something characteristic of who he is as a person rather than a horrific circumstance of his upbringing, a circumstance of society and of capitalism.
kenny's family, like most families in poverty, are not struggling to a point where they can never afford nice things. he's the first of his friends to get a PSP. even in a very recent episode, we saw stuart taking his kids out for ice cream - a far cry from the shitty, poor-as-a-character-trait, always-abusive and always-drunk fanon interpretation of his character!
kenny also definitely cares about his appearance! unlike his siblings and parents, he is always shown as clean and unmarked. i would imagine that he goes to great efforts to keep his face and clothing clean and to protect himself from obvious injury. i think that he cares about his family's image, despite his differences with his parents - he doesn't want to be "the poor kid", a walking stereotype, a charity case. sure, he might play into it when it suits him, but that's different, isn't it? he makes elaborate, beautiful costumes every time there's an opportunity, and he chooses characters to play that do not scream "i want to be a rat boy look at me rolling around in the dirt" to me.
that is an aspect of his character, sure. kid gets high on cat pee and plays with wild possums. he likes jokes about sex and eats weird shit. he's a little gross. no more, though, i think, than his peers... than kyle, who talks to his own shit... to butters, who prods at cow pats... to eric, who thinks about blood and guts every time he closes his eyes and collects semen samples from his friends... kids being gross is just kids being gross. i mean, they're gross. so i don't think it's wrong to make kenny a gross kid, but i do think it's bizarre to make kenny a gross kid and kyle a cleanly little germaphobe (classism and antisemitism 2-in-1, yayyy)!
i dunno, i've just felt recently that... some of these interpretations of kenny that have been cropping up are really not based in canon at all? they feel like they came straight out of mid-2000s south park yaoi! which, you know. everyone do your own thing, i guess. but i really need people to be more aware of the classist tropes they are playing into, of what in the show the are watching is classist and also of how they are interpreting commentary on poverty and class.
#i would say more but it feels rambling already... i dont know if it makes that much sense....#ive been thinking about this so much recently... interacting with my friends who grew up like. better off i guess and#listening to the way they talk with disgust about things which are just so normal it... makes me so mad#kenny mccormick
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my little sibling (12) recently came out as bi + transmasc and has found a lot of queer spaces both online and offline, which seemed to be great for him, but im worried their queer friend groups are not a healthy environment. like, recently he’s been making “jokes” about how women are beautiful and men are ugly and they wishes he was only attracted to women, or how boys are the worst. ive known they were learning a lot of “men suck” rhetoric already since he told me that shit when i came out as transmasc, but now im recognizing that rhetoric is leading to them having internalized transandrophobia + biphobia and i think he needs healthier friends, except they 100% will not listen if i tell him who they should hang out with. idk what to do but i want him to get out of that toxic transandrophobic environment before he internalizes too much of it. advice would be appreciated.
I think what I would do in this situation is start by introducing them to healthier, positive views on men & masculinity. Things like queer men talking about their attraction, positive takes on transmasculinity, stories about men being good people & healthy masculinity, even just people being unashamed about being attracted to men. Maybe showing him things in bi history that talk about bi masculine people & bi love for masculine people, as well as transmasculine history which talks loving transmasculinity. Having a solid, positive connection to masculinity makes it easier to feel how antimasculism hurts people. You could also bring up in conversation ways in which "men suck" rhetoric has been hurtful- maybe specifically start with butches, transmascs, trans people who were amab, because those are groups trans-positive people with antimasculist views tend to view with more sympathy, and it makes it easier to not get derailed with "cishet men aren't oppresed!" arguments and focus on the most impactful harm antimasculism does. You could mention how you've been hurt by it, or how others have repressed their identity because of it, or maybe send them Jennifer Coates' essay which heavily discusses the impact of antimasculism from a closeted trans woman's perspective.
In general, I'd avoid approaching them from the angle of "This Is Bad", and try to naturally produce a conversation where he can, for themself, question those antimasculist views and how they hurt people he cares for, as well as themself. I've mentioned this before in other scenarios, but interacting with other transmascs personally is so helpful for dealing with internalized transandrophobia. Idk what their friend group is like, but introducing him to transmasc-specific/centered spaces (online or offline) that talk positively about masculinity would not only help challenge those beliefs, but also make potentially dropping friends less intimidating because there would be other people they know would support him. Ik a lot of people have been very in that mindset from a young age and changed a lot as they grew and questioned & grew their views on gender, so if nothing else, making sure they have a source of positive masculinity in their life could be helpful in giving them the exposure they need to question those views themself.
#m.#ask box#digital transgender archive has a lot of stuff from lou sullivan + transmasc magazines#as well as bi stuff im p s ure
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Ive never been in a situation like this and don’t know how to navigate it. We’ve been friends for almost 2yrs. And it grew into something more and now we work together.
He’s always around me, protective of me, cares a lot about me and takes care of me. He’s always there when I need him and we’re in a friends with benefits situation. But we never had sex because I’m not ready (still a virgin) and he was ok with it. He never pushes me to do something I’m not comfortable with and said how if it isn’t him I end up with than whoever it is a “lucky man” We also live pretty close to each other, he’s practically my neighbor. So when he left for school in another state I still seen him when he would come to visit me and his family. He’s leaving again in a few months but promised that we’ll stay in touch just like before. And also talked about us in a future sense.
But I found out he’s dating someone for the past 4 months. I overheard a conversation he had with one of his best friends. He said “my girlfriend just texted me trying to come over to my place.” We were all hanging out as a group and so I confronted the friend since he’s also mines and he told me how long they were dating, but made me promise that I won’t tell the guy I like that it was him who told me. So after finding out, I obviously was upset and kept deciding to keep my distance from him. He thought I just didn’t feel good cause I was just recently sick and gave me space but would stop by my house to drop off food, tea, and medicine. Which further made me confused.
He would get jealous anytime I showed any interest in any other man and when he thought I liked another guy from our friend group he would start questioning me. “Do you like him?” “Would you give him a chance?” “Will you tell him about us?” And I would tell him that I didn’t like anyone and seen him as just a friend too. He always said “good I don’t want to lose you” Everyone who sees us interact wants us together. His parents, mines, our friends, coworkers, etc. And they always tease us and he’ll just smile my way or if i’m nearby he’ll hug me/kiss the top of my head.
I really really reallyyyyyy like him which he doesn’t know and under the impression I want things casual and see him as my best friend. I feel like he liked me too until I found out about his gf… I know I shouldn’t want him anymore after this but I do and can’t help but wonder if he actually liked me or just doing extra things just to keep me on the side? Or is it just a friendship? I know I could easily solve this by talking it out but I don’t want to admit that I liked him and fear the idea of him saying he didn’t feel the same and it was just sexual. Please help.
My only fear of telling him how I feel is that I know he’ll want a relationship and I’m not ready for that. Because I just recently started going to therapy to work on myself and my childhood trauma which he doesn’t know about. Now that I know he’s capable of cheating I don’t trust him as much anymore especially since i’m not ready for s3x. He still doesn’t know that I know he has a gf. He spends nearly every day with me which means he doesn’t see her that often and I don’t think anyone else really knows because I’m close with his family and they’ve never mentioned it.
What should I do?
My goodness! I can see how this is such a confusing situation for you hon oh wow!!
I feel like if you've been doing things with him "romantically" on any level (which is why you're saying friends with benefits I assume) and he's seeing someone else that just a big red flag. Also that he's such a close friend to you and hasn't told you he had a girlfriend? He's hiding it from you on purpose. That's pretty clear.
I'm also worried that he keeps trying to kind of keep you for himself (saying things like I don't want to lose you or getting a bit jealous maybe when you are talking to another guy) and talks about your future together, etc. He's keeping you around by saying/doing these nice things but also LYING to you. I think that's the big thing right there.
It could be that he's ready to start having sex and wants to explore that (so he's got himself a girlfriend) but truly does have feelings for you in the meantime. Unfortunately, the way he's gone about it (if this is the case) is totally gross. It's disrespectful to you and the girl he's seeing.
I'm not sure how old either of you are but it really sounds like you're just not on the same page as far as dating and sex go and if you're not ready to date or have sex and he is then that's fine! But he should have been up front with you about everything and tell you that he's got a girlfriend and one day when you're ready if you still like him and he's single then you two could see what happens within a relationship.
But as it is, he's not waiting around, which is fine but he's lying to you and cheating on his girlfriend. He sounds immature and unable to communicate things properly. You don't want to be with a person like him.
I can't tell you what to do or anything because only you have all the details here but if he means as much to you as you say I'd confront him. Tell him you found out he has a girlfriend and make it clear you're not telling him how you found out - because it really doesn't matter how you found out - tho he may try to focus on that and derail the convo or even gaslight you into telling him but don't allow that - tell him that the only thing that matters is to get the truth from him once and for all. But keep your bullshit radar up. You'll be listening to him explain why he did what he did all while having the knowledge that he's a liar so just keep that at the forefront of your mind. I only say that because he seems like someone that would try and sweet talk you or lie again to plead his case and make you feel bad for him. Guys like him are a dime a dozen. I've met them all. That's how I'd approach it.
Now you may not want to get closure or find out why he lied. Maybe you'd just be better cutting ties with him on some level. Keep him at a distance and start making contact sparse. If anything he may finally come to you to ask why and at that point you can tell him why (if you want).
Honestly this is too complex for me to give you truly helpful advice. Talk to your therapist about it. Perhaps this all fits in with your childhood trauma in some way and you might get some closure that way as well.
Good luck to you hon. If you want, I'd love to be updated when you figure something out or if you have anything new happen.
Just be wary of him, which it sounds like you already are. That's the best advice I can give.
xoxo
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ughhhhhhhhhh a lot has been on my mind recently, im sorry im bringing up chip stuff that people just wanna forget, but. idk. i just need to talk. i really doubt anyone will actually see this but hey, its my blog, i'll ramble on about what i want lol
tw for suicidal thoughts in the "keep reading" bit below
back in february i made a post "calling out" gremlin + her friends as well as a little goodbye note to the fandom. recently ive been thinking about stuff more, wondering if maybe i should make a return and try to get my love for vosim back, but remembered just how much damage the fandom (more specifically, gremlin + her friends) did to me, my friends, yknow. everytime i thought about returning i'd remind myself i'd never go back. you gotta think: for months and months i was out there spending most of my time and energy defending my friends, trying to show people just how bad those people were, and after realising that nobody would ever believe me, i gave up. all of the chip shit i was dealing with really didnt help the fact i was battling depression + suicidal thoughts alongside all of that.
but, i dont know. recently ive just been craving the good times back despite it all, i want to relive the times where i'd stim seeing my friends' posts (especially the vosim art...,,,) and songs (one of the songs that made me stim like mad literally got me into sodikken months later lmao my hyperfixes are weird like that), i want to relive seeing the chip accounts interacting with eachother, in fact i was here wishing i joined the fandom properly a lot earlier because i really didnt want the good times to end.....
the fandom was my safespace for me. as much as certain people think im some "popular highschool bully who never grew up" (yes gremlin, i saw what you said about us, im not fucking dumb), i was being bullied really badly in secondary school, i was dealing with a really nasty breakup, my mental health was spiralling downwards really fast, i was dealing with people who i thought were my friends... you get the picture. with the fandom i was able to escape from all of that. and i'd escape by drawing vosim, usually creepy, pissed off or numb. it was stress relieving, it brought me so much happiness doing that!! then june 2022 came and it all went to shit since then. ha.
it hurts a lot. it really does. ive just been really empty since everything. i really don't know what to do or how i can move on from this once and for all. this was shit i was meant to move on from months ago, but it seems i cant even do that.
to my chip friends whove been here since the start: ive said this a thousand times + i will say it again: thank you. thank you so much for sticking around despite me struggling and moaning about all of this shit for months on end. in fact thank you for everything. words cant describe how grateful i am to have met y'all and i genuinely dont know where i'd be without y'all ;___;
ramble over i think.
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My personal complex feelings about staying in Latvia
Me and my partner got an amazing housing offer here, which means we wouldnt move away to a different country like planned which has left me with many complicated feelings :/ mostly about how disgustingly nationalistic and xenophobic this place is so a lotta complaining down below:
Some of the things i hate about this place:
Eastern europeans stop being xenophobic challenge has a 100% fail rate 🫶 xenophobia is just built into the culture in the baltics, its so maddening. People born in latvia who grew up latvian but just have russian parents are considered to be foreigners and treated as such. The amount of friends I have from russian families or that (god-forbid) have an accent of any kind who get the most vile shit said to them is insane. Dont even get me started on when the xenophobia turns racist...
My boyfriends dad is american so he keeps getting treated like a foreigner even though he literally has close to 0 memories of america cuz last he was there he was 5!!
The xenophobia is so ingrained into the culture here that i genuinely dont think itll ever leave :/ itll improve in small numbers but the small number of ppl that realize this, wanna leave lol cuz its EVERYWHERE
And yes its so ingrained here, even left leaning people will often have xenophobia they havent worked through🤧
Latvian nationalism is so intense, ive been treated and keep getting treated as an outcast/foreigner because I have a speech impediment and so i dont speak latvian eloquently ♥️
Then theres the recently gone through mandatory military conscription because boomers have a hate boner for russia and normal boner for military power, so latvian amab people will be forced to do (depending on whether you volunteer or not) year/s of military training and then their location tracked for years and years just in case 😃 this could even affect me cuz i wanna have my documents changed to reflect that im a man. Id rather eat screws than ever serve a nation funded cult. I mean just every class would be hours of nationalistic conservative propaganda garbage. We already have plenty!! Ever interacted with latvian media? lol
Ofc every other type of bigotry is just as present here bc ofc... transphobia and homophobia is still very present, out and about its less due to gen z getting older but the medical system and legal system still have a lot of issues with it. A whole lotta racism, latvia has a lotta problems with nazis and skinheads, which has lead to poc being attacked in many different ways.
i dont feel at home here, i feel at home with my friends and fellow leftists, but the country as a whole? Never welcomed me and I dont even want it to :/ rrly going through the emotions rn, cuz the offer is just too good, the housing markets in shambles worldwide, wed never get an offer like that again. So now i have to face a future where i stay in this shithole :/
I am apart of small political orgs so its not even like im not doing anything, but i dont think id see much change here before im around retirement age :[ which sucks when youre doing your best to enact change
#Complaining#social justice#baltic states#Xenophobia#Racism#Eastern europe#complicated feelings#Nationalism#venting#vent post#personal post#personal vent
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This is kind of inspired by this recent ask I sent to @esther-dot about Jon’s characterisation and Jonsa shippers’ apparent disregard for it, because it made me think of another part of Jon’s characterisation that is really integral to who he is. Mainly, that Jon really loves his brothers. Especially Robb. His rival and best friend and constant companion. Jon envies him, competes with him, buried a formative traumatic memory where he was deeply hurt by him... but ultimately loves him. Complex relationships with his brothers, both the Starks and his Night’s Watch brothers, are a running theme in Jon’s chapters.
Speaking of Jon’s brothers...
Aegon VI and Robb have a lot of potential parallels, actually. The “Young” moniker, red-haired counselors who are also their parents, trained to be the heir to a great kingdom from a young age, the barely younger half-brother Jon borne of their father’s dishonour of their mother… one that they might both have a good relationship with despite that?
The show tried to play with Jon ‘accepting’ his Targaryen lineage through the jonerice romance, very unconvincingly because it was simultaneously undermining it at every opportunity, in what was maybe a half-assed attempt at Pol!Jon (”They’ll all come to see you for what you are” isn’t anything but a threat in all contexts).
Jon will ultimately choose the Starks over everything else, that’s not really a question. But if Jon were to genuinely connect with another Targaryen, it’d likely be easier for him to find kinship with a half-brother than with an aunt - he has a basis for positive relationships with trueborn half-brothers, while the only aunt figure he’s ever known about is a) long dead and b) actually his mother. I think it’d both make more sense and be more compelling for GRRM to leverage Jon’s existing complex relationships with brotherhood by having him interact with and build a relationship with Aegon, than a rushed and out-of-character romance with Dany.
Jon also is already primed to believe that Aegon is the real deal, that he was saved as a baby, because he’s already done the exact same thing himself - he swapped out a baby of royal blood who was in danger for a common-born boy, and then sent him halfway across the world for safety (side note: if Septa Lemore is Ashara, and if the baby was actually Ashara’s son as theorised here by @agentrouka-blog, that would just strengthen the parallel, because it would be his body double’s mother caring for him, as Gilly has to do for Mance’s son).
They’re definitely going to come into conflict first - politically, Jon will likely be in a position of power in the North by the time they meet, maybe as the KitN through Robb’s will or regent for Rickon, and probably will fight for Northern independence, while Aegon is fighting to be king of the Seven Kingdoms, not 6. Personally, it will be hard to get past the fact that Jon is the direct result of Rhaegar dishonouring Elia, plus that the Kingsguard who should have been protecting her were all stationed in Dorne, guarding Jon’s mother (in whatever capacity). But these interactions, a conflict and eventual friendship/brotherhood between them, would all be a lot more layered than jonerice can really offer. If a relationship between Jon and Dany was truly all that GRRM has been building up to, then there would have been no need for R+L=J - it adds nothing to that storyline, it doesn’t even make it a forbidden romance, because aunt-nephew is hardly the worst incest the Targaryens have engaged in.
It’s almost inevitable that Da*nerys is going to kill Aegon VI/Young Griff in the books, likely by burning him with dragonfire, in the Second Dance of the Dragons. The weird Dragonpit meeting in the show was very contrived, but it does make sense for Dany to meet the ruler on the Iron Throne at least once in a semi-peaceful context. In the show, she used her dragons only to intimidate Cersei, but she didn’t have a personal grievance with her. Aegon is in much more danger during such a meeting. After all she will think he is a pretender, and she doesn’t much care for the rules of safe conduct, as she showed to the envoys from Yunkai.
Dany shrugged, and said, "Dracarys."
The dragons answered. Rhaegal hissed and smoked, Viserion snapped, and Drogon spat swirling red-black flame. It touched the drape of Grazdan's tokar, and the silk caught in half a heartbeat.
[...]
"You swore I should have safe conduct!" the Yunkish envoy wailed.
"Do all the Yunkai'i whine so over a singed tokar? I shall buy you a new one... if you deliver up your slaves within three days. Elsewise, Drogon shall give you a warmer kiss." She wrinkled her nose. "You've soiled yourself. Take your gold and go, and see that the Wise Masters hear my message."
(ASOS, Dany IV)
"Ah, there is the thorn in the bower, my queen," said Hizdahr zo Loraq. "Sad to say, Yunkai has no faith in your promises. They keep plucking the same string on the harp, about some envoy that your dragons set on fire."
"Only his tokar was burned," said Dany scornfully.
(ADWD, Dany VI)
So Dany will burn the Blackfyre pretender, and everyone will be happy and cheer to see the rightful queen, the last Targaryen, Slayer of Lies, Breaker of Chains, Insert-The-Million-Other-Titles-Here. Right?
Except how would she prove that he’s an imposter? She can’t exactly roll up with an Alt Shift X video pointing out that Illyrio has said some weird things about Aegon. Is Varys going to have an attack of remorse and explain his whole plot, complete with Blackfyre family tree? Or maybe she’ll explain that she went on a vision quest in Qarth and Aegon totally matches up with the vague symbolism that a bunch of drugged up warlocks told her before she set them on fire?
I don’t think it’s going to matter if Aegon is fake or not, and we might never find out either way. The mystery of his identity isn’t his main narrative, and all of his significance to the story and to multiple other characters is removed if he’s proved to not be Aegon VI. Him being proved fake would just make this plotline a weird, unnecessary digression on Dany’s journey to being the righteous and true queen, his death just another #girlboss moment for her. That’s definitely going to be her perception of it, but once she reaches Westeros we won’t have to rely on only her POV of her actions. History is written by the winners, and no one’s going to miss that it’s a lot more convenient for Dany if the boy with a stronger claim than her turns out to have been fake all along. Arianne and the Dornish are definitely not going to take it lying down, and neither is Jon. He’s not going to fall in love with the woman who murdered his brother, especially by burning him alive. ADWD has plenty to say about how much he hates death by fire.
“Men say that freezing to death is almost peaceful. Fire, though … do you see the candle, Gilly?”
She looked at the flame. “Yes.”
“Touch it. Put your hand over the flame.”
Her big brown eyes grew bigger still. She did not move.
“Do it.” Kill the boy. “Now.”
Trembling, the girl reached out her hand, held it well above the flickering candle flame.
“Down. Let it kiss you.”
Gilly lowered her hand. An inch. Another. When the flame licked her flesh, she snatched her hand back and began to sob.
“Fire is a cruel way to die. Dalla died to give this child life, but you have nourished him, cherished him. You saved your own boy from the ice. Now save hers from the fire.”
(ADWD, Jon II)
Funnily enough, the same fire as a kiss imagery from Dany burning the envoy’s tokar appeared there too, also used as a threat.
If he is not a kinslayer, he is the next best thing. [...] What sort of man can stand by idly and watch his own brother being burned alive?
(ADWD, Jon IX)
So Aegon’s death is not going to be a triumphant victory for Dany, after which everyone proclaims her the true queen. It’s likely to just solidify opposition to her, from every corner of Westeros. If it happens during a summit or negotiation, it’d be even more of a tragic parallel to Robb and the Red Wedding; the young king murdered off of the battlefield, at an event where he was promised safe conduct. Featuring Dany in the role of Roose Bolton and Tywin Lannister. Tywin’s already died a very undignified death, and Roose Bolton looks to be on his way too.
I think the tragedy of Aegon’s death would also hit harder if we see it through Jon, as a main POV, or at least the aftermath of it. Jon was integral at the Dragonpit meeting after all, and probably would be at a peace summit or negotiation between the leaders of Westeros and the invading force.
In ASOS, there’s a curious lack of Jon’s reaction to Robb’s death. We see his initial reaction to Bran and Rickon’s supposed deaths when he gets back to Castle Black, but he doesn’t even know about Robb’s death until Stannis arrives to defeat the wildlings, and we’re not shown the moment he’s told about it. He barely even thinks about it, not even a mention until he meets with Stannis on top of the Wall:
“Your brother was the rightful Lord of Winterfell. If he had stayed home and done his duty, instead of crowning himself and riding off to conquer the riverlands, he might be alive today. Be that as it may. You are not Robb, no more than I am Robert.”
The harsh words had blown away whatever sympathy Jon might have had for Stannis. “I loved my brother,” he said.
(ASOS, Jon XI)
And that’s literally all we get that is specifically about Robb’s death - the rest of Jon’s chapters, his guilt and grief is about the loss of all his siblings, and the idea of stealing Winterfell from them. It doesn’t really make sense for him to not think about it at all, considering how close they were. This reminds me of how he has a non-reaction to Sansa’s marriage to Tyrion as well, as talked about in this post by @agentrouka-blog. Part of this could be Jon’s tendency towards denial and suppression of all his feelings, but it also points to GRRM explicitly obscuring his reaction - perhaps because he’s going to explore it in the wake of another brother dying a very similar death? One that this time he’ll be there to witness?
#astra rambles#meta#speculation#half speculation half 'my wildest dreams and hopes'#anti daenerys targaryen#anti jonerys#jon snow#aegon vi targaryen#jon and aegon#anti got#because i do dunk on the show a lot in this lmao#i've spent far too long on this and had to delete five tirades against the show already
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Would you mind sharing your thoughts about vex and Beau being cross campaign foils?
so!!!! first things first: apologies for taking weeks to answer this, finals + having adhd sometimes makes my brain turn to mush and forget every ask ive ever recieved. second of all, i’m assuming you sent me this bc of what i said in my vm vs. m9 how they view the world meta. and i’ll be real with you. i have exactly 0 memory of what was going through my head when i wrote that line, so i am simply going to type out a bunch of thoughts that i have on the similarities and differences between beau and vex and i hope that lives up to what you were expecting jsdflksjdksld
I'll detail some specifics in a moment, but overall, I think beau and vex share a very similar kind of trauma of exclusion in their formative years, that's caused them to have a lot of similar traits that manifest in different ways - for vex, she maintains control through her material posessions and beau finds an emotional control in her asshole-ness. I've broken this down into 5 points on which I think comparing the two really emphasizes that claim:
1. daddy issues: both beau and vex have awful no good terrible very bad dads. both syldor and thoreau can suck my ass. they both raised their kids with little love and impossible-to-meet expectations, alientating them and leaving them with lifelong feelings of inferiority and unbelonging. If beau and vex were to meet, i think they would have a very friendly toast to shitty dads, and then have a good drunk vent about it an hour later.
but, at the same time, the actual minutae of their trauma and the ways it manifests are nearly polar opposites. syldor wanted nothing to do with vex, or else wanted her to somehow become a full elf. her issue was that she would never be able to belong, despite her desire to, and as she grew up it lead to her being overly protective and even possessive of the people she found who DID accept her as she was.
With beau, rather than exclusion, her father created an environment of toxic inclusion. He created a role for beau to belong in, disregarding her distate for actually fulfilling it. And, as such, she ended up making herself into someone who could have no expectations and pushed away anyone who tried to set them up for her. In the end, they both came to love themselves by abandoning the woman their father wanted them to be but for vex it was the laying down of an impossible dream and for beau it was the picking up of a mantle she had feared to wear.
2. brothers: now, on the topic of family, I also think its really interesting how their interactions with their brothers play out. We've got vex and vax, tied at the hip til the very end and then some; and then we've got beau and TJ - decades apart and with beau barely acknolwedging TJ's existence. But, even that distance between beau and TJ didn't stop her caring for him when they actually met. She gave him lucky Jade, and she entertained the idea of kidnapping him to get him away from her stinko dad.
And I'd espeically like to talk about what she said outside the hag's hut - "I think Luc and TJ could be best friends", in comparison to the way Vex reacted when Vax told her was going to Zephrah with Keyleth for the year break. There's an aspect to the way they interact with their brothers that lets them slip back into those bad habits they formed growing up (NOT that i'm claiming vex and vax were like toxic for each other. but even good relationships can have unhealthy moments).
With Beau, when she offers to give her happiness so TJ can grow up safe, she's trying to take on the role she's ""supposed"" to fill - the big sister, the protector - because she failed to fill the one her father set out. And with Vex, when she grows jealous of Vax, it's because she's afraid that his leaving with keyleth is a sign that she no longer belongs in his inner circle, and she falls back on that childish, desperate desire to do anything to be accepted unconditionally.
3. romance: spoilers for 5 or so most recent m9 eps (115-120) if you haven't watched them ahead!!!! at this point, both vex and beau have an endgame romance - percy and yasha respectively. Obviously as the m9's campaign is still playing out, that could change, but like. yasha wrote her a love letter and they're officially going on a date so i'm counting that as at least endgame-track rather than just random flirting. What's interesting to me is that they both seem to flip between the SAME roles between their (in-game) general perception and their actual pursual of romance.
Vex gets characterized as a pretty big flirt, right? She's got the winks, the casual "darling". She's flashed grog her boobs on multiple instances with little prompting. Beau, similarly, has easily the most game out of anyone in the m9. She's slept with two guest characters and at least one more npc in the events of the game. Caleb made her a fuck mirror in her room in the mansion. And yet, in both of their actual romantic endeavors, they became the shy, uncertain type.
Vex only confessed her feelings when Percy was laying dead before her, and not an hour of game play before percy kissed her in the woods, she had a talk with vax about how she was pretty sure he didn't like her that way and she didn't want to pursue it. Beau, similarly, spent a very long time convinced that yasha wasn't looking for love after zuala, especially not in anyone like her, asked everyone in the party if they thought yasha ACTUALLY liked her, just to be safe, and then still terrified to ask her out after recieving a literal love letter. I'd argue this shift comes from that same sense of unbelonging - they're very good at pretending they fit a role but doubt their actual right to take it when the opportunity is presented. This time, the role is the lover rather than the daughter.
4. authority: Both vex and beau grew up shunned by the upper crust of society, and grew to mistrust those kinds of people. And yet, both of their arcs result in them assuming such a position. Vex, thrown out of high society gets her place as a baronness, and Beau, running from leadership of her father's business ends up a top member of the Cobalt Soul. There's not a lot here, but I find it interesting how both of their stories involve them shedding their baggage regarding authority and power and assuming it in a way that they feel comfortable in - invitation by someone she trusts for vex, and a promise of freedom of will and control for beau.
5. their deadliest sins: this is the point at which their similarities culminate and transform to a fundamental difference. despite everything they share - shitty childhoods, the small piece of family that's still good, flirtiness masking shy love, and a mistrust of those in power - vex and beau are such different characters because of their biggest vices. Vex, both in game and out, is "the greedy one". She's stingy with money, she haggles for everything, she mourns the loss of physical objects. Beau is "the mean one". She cares little for people's feelings if they're not in her immediate circle, she focuses on her tough guy image, she laughs at things she knows she shouldn't.
And, over the course of the campaign, as they find unconditional acceptance, they grow away from these traits (I won't say they grow out of them) because they heal from the things causing these vices to begin with. I've always been vocal about vex's greed being a manifestation of her class insecurity, and beau's asshole-ness stemming from her fear of being forced back into another position of complacency. And I stand by that now - all the similarities in their backstories are what tally up to these different women.
Despite her careful tally of party funds and her reflexive bargaining, vex is not cruel. she is not angry on her own behalf. She saves two boys from the market in the city of brass at great personal cost, she relinquishes an entire dragon's hoard to the devastated city of Westruun, she took the time to save a baby bear from a cage when she could have just cut and run after escaping her own. She's the first one most people go to when they need a shoulder to cry on, and she's devastated when they don't (thinkin about when Scanlan left). She carved "forgiveness" into the bow she stole from a man after killing him by proclaiming how much she loved someone, because she knew anger had no place in her heart.
And Beau, Beau is a bitch and she's harsh, but she doesn't hoard or protect like vex did. she spends her money without much of a second thought. She pitches in to help her friends buy a ton of glowsticks, and she loves to indulge in material desires like drink and good food and the nicer inn room. She's a member of an organization that's about making knowledge public rather than guarding it. And, though this may be controversial, I think her position with bowlgate of "its not our problem what cali wants to do with it", her long-standing mistrust of their alliance with the bright queen and and more recently with the tomb takers of "i want to go in and talk, rather than assuming they're antagonistic, even if it puts us at a disadvantage" are both examples of this non-possessiveness too - she has no need or desire to get involved in controlling what other people are doing.
so, i guess the general conclusion here is: vex struggles to let go of things, of money, of people. beau struggles to let herself be known in case she gets wrongly interpreted again. they both fight feelings of inadequacy, they both fight the feelings of not belonging, of 'doing it wrong', they fight the perception of them as shitty people because of the shells they hide in despite their absolute hearts of gold. but at the end of the day, vex's story is one of having to lay down what could never be hers so she can carry what is, and beau's story is one of allowing herself to be known so a place can be made for her.
#hope this is what you and that other anon were looking for jdsflkdsajfsaldfsa#critical role#vexahlia#beauregard#long post
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ANNOUNCEMENT: NOT A HELLO, BUT NOT A GOODBYE EITHER
omg hi ... im like . ashamed to come back after saying brief hiatus in october and then disappearing off the face of the earth til FEBRUARY but under the cut i will be explaining myself and the following, if youre interested (and a tl;dr at the very bottom if you don’t wanna scroll thru this obnoxiously long post):
the reason(s) i was gone for so long
what i was doing during that time (its just a personal account yall can scroll past this idrc)
the status of those um . halloween requests
the future of this account
i. so . Hiatus .
i know. i know . i probably mentioned it when i made the announcement post, but my mental health likes to go on one of those rides. yknow the ones where you go like up rlly fast then down maybe and then up then DOWN .... its like that. i needed a break and every time i wanted to come back or thought about it, something would happen and i would get stuck in my own head.
a big reason for getting stuck in my head was (and i hate to admit this ... i hate to admit that i have Insecurities On The Internet) my feelings of inadequacy regarding my writing. i love to plot fics, i love concepts and characters and making little headcanons but i dont ... know if i love writing rn. and i thought for the longest time that like . whatever ill just push thru it its fine ill be fine but it kinda wasnt lmao you can kinda see it in my halloween reqs and what become of them when i get to that but i began to feel like nothing i had put out or would put out would hold up prose wise (and normally i dont feel like this im much more “idc its my life im living it” but thats not a rant for tumblr LMAO). i still feel like that -- like im better as a reader than a writer. but . You Know :-)
tl;dr: mental state go brrrrr
ii. anywhere here’s wonderwall
when i left, i was in a steadily decreasing mental and emotional state, made worse by a situation at work that really was a case of petty jealousy on my end and rlly isnt very consequential now despite how much pain and resentment it gave me when it Was a problem so i wont get into it. the tl;dr of november and december was me using work as an crutch and distraction -- i know my job, i do it well, it helped me not think about my responsibilities and obligations and inadequacies. of course, as the holiday season grew busier n busier i was scheduled so often that i moved 88 or so miles (according to my apple watch, which i ONLY wear at work since im never anywhere else outside my house) and fell into a cycle of showering n sleeping at my house before going back the next day. (theres definitely something to be said abt capitalism and “grind culture” here but once again its not the time or place snsjkdfds)
at the turn of the new year, i happened to remember a birthday card i hadnt filed away for safekeeping from a friend of mine that id been horribly out of touch with til that point. i started crying because i realized how out of touch id been in general up until that point. the month of january was great for me: i was focused, happy, and in a much better place than i had been before. the end of it brought me down focus wise and im hoping that enough time away from my distractions will refocus me bc i ... need it LMAO and though ive burned out from that level of productivity and gotten distracted again im ... trying to stay positive which i think is the most i can do 😁👍🏼
media wise, i got real into stardew valley (but burned out bc i played it extensively as a way to wind down after work), the pokemon platinum romhack renegade platinum (still havent finished it bc of school n i played it w the intent to see if i could nuzlocke it ... bitch its so hard but its so fun bc of it), briefly assassins creed: odyssey (im one of those ppl who completes an entire region before i move to the next so you can tell i burned out of that one + wouldnt have the time to properly devote to it even if i didnt), got back into genshin impact after pulling for xiao (after not touching it for like . months), and danganronpa. yes . danganronpa 😐 i Know. i stopped playing it after the second trial of the first game bc i was so hurt by the outcome and picked it up in late january only to get sucked in (thank god i had the foresight to buy the second and third games during the steam winter sale). rn im at the start of chapter 4 if anyone wants to come in my asks and um . talk to me abt danganronpa
tl;dr: I’m Into Danganronpa Now
iii. you realize halloween was three months ago right
i mentioned this in the first section, but i love to plot things. every request is plotted or at least has a solid foundation. i had fun detailing what concept i wanted to go with considering what i was given, and there were some bangers i might touch up in the future. but heres whats going to happen to the requests themselves:
there are two finished requests. one will be posted tomorrow and the other will be touched up (just bc i finished it doesnt mean its good 🧍♂️) and scheduled for next saturday. as for the ones i never got around to ...
i will not be finishing those requests. i hate to be That Person, but i feel like we all expected this 🧍♂️ what i will do is post all of my notes for each request in batches -- requests that have an @ to go with them will be mentioned in the post proper, but anon asks will be pictured. (there are some asks that came from blogs who are now deactivated but i wrote down all the prompts and remember most of those askers so ill cross that bridge when i get there) there will most likely be an excerpt or two simply bc i think i mightve written a few plot points or interactions in the form of bullet points. i rlly am sorry about doing this but i remember looking at my notion doc with all the prompts and feeling ... like i wasnt measuring up n it wasnt just to myself or to some intangible concept of “other” id constructed but it was instead to those who requested n actually WANTED to see and hear and read my writing and i ...... im gonna admit thats another big reason i avoided this site.
regardless, youll definitely get what i have (and likely more than just my bullet points and illegible handwriting).
tl;dr: im sorry. what i have in terms of plot, concept, and interaction for every request will be posted, but i cant say ill ever complete them and mean it.
iv. so what now?
well i mean . im not entirely sure how sold i am on haikyuu in the content creation department (as a creator n to a lesser extent, as a consumer). as mentioned previously, its no longer my primary focus. it doesnt mean im not into haikyuu anymore; i have a lot of love for those boys but i cant rlly say im even caught up w recent fandom activity and also havent even finished s4 pt2 LMAO thats on my to do list
and despite all that, i still want to share my plots n concepts and snippets and maybe even fics. it wont happen anytime soon. it might not even happen. but i mean . its better than me saying i wont write ever again shjdkfs but either way ill probably use this blog as a personal blog w the occasional ask game for dialogue prompts (those are always so fun i love making up aus to fit like . the most mundane prompts)
as for my works (past and any potential future), ive opened an ao3 acc here n ill be editing n possibly expanding on my old works to post there. tumblr, to me, is The x reader hub, but i figure more x reader fics on ao3 is never a bad thing.
ill be deleting/posting drafted posts to the queue since they were all meant to be queued anyway as well as (sorry again 🧍♂️) deleting or answering asks in the inbox. (moots if you get a notif from me saying i rbed your post from months ago ... mind your business) im very hard to get ahold of and its ... a problem. expect an overhaul of the nav n shit to reflect my new direction n also because i feel like i cant tell if my passion for carrd is shared by the majority HSDKLFS maybe its better to read my info in a normal post ykwim .......
and of course . if youve read all this n decided im no longer worth the follow, i sure as hell cant stop you. thank you for wanting to, at some point, hear what i have to say -- it means more than you think.
tl;dr: writing will be edited and reposted to ao3, this blog will be a personal blog with a hint of writing (sometimes)
the tl;dr to end all tl;drs:
im back! i wont be as active as i used to due to a lessened interest in haikyuu in general, but i have an ao3 acc now where all my past work will be edited, possibly expanded, and reposted. any future work will also find itself there. my halloween requests will be posted in batches as incomplete concepts, plots, and snippets of scenes; i wont be promising to finish any of them.
there are still fic concepts im attached to and want to finish, but i cant promise any more writing on my end. this blog will be a personal blog with maybe writing, not a writing blog with my personal thoughts all over it.
regardless if you stick around or not, its been crazy sexy cool (equal emphasis) being on haikyuu tumblr even tho i wasnt around for long ... even tho its not my main focus anymore, im still excited to see what the future might hold 🤝
love, ari 💌
#did i have an announcement tag#announcement#also regarding work hsjkdfsd the company i work for didnt give my location the opening for the full time position i wanted#my managers all agree id be promoted if we had it but we dont so i . hee .#anyway um i hope everyones doing well#some of my moots changed urls while i was away and now i have no idea who anyone is#its like when you see your familys friends and theyre like omg youre so big now! i remember when you were a baby and youre like 🧍♂️#and you have to play along bc apparently they remember you hskdfsd#im not very funny in this post but i figured id rather be honest considering my lengthy absence#consider this my comeback stage
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Happy FFWF! 💛 What would you say are the top 3 scenes you've ever written? This can be for any story or drabble you've written for :)
Happy (late) FFWF!!!
oh wow uh idk hmmm
this is gonna get long so ill cut it
3) This one's whumpy but I like it
"Why do you even care? You're never around anyway," she muttered, bitter and spiteful.
Tony didn't flinch, "I'm never around, huh? I don't care? Well, excuse me if I have to leave to try and keep the world spinning, or because a certain group has threatened you again."
"I don't need you to protect me all the time!"
"Because you can lift a bus? Because you think you're some kind of invincible teenager who sneaks out knowing that the UN wants to arrest you. Knowing that there is a whole terrorist organization out for your blood. And you leave the tower anyway, using your powers as a party trick."
"They're not a party trick!" she protested heatedly. She wasn't a party trick.
"But you still went to that party. You ditched Happy and left your trackers and went to a party and got drunk apparently. How long were you lying about doing that little stunt? You can definitely keep a secret longer than I thought. Though you're a terrible liar."
Penny didn't say anything, the doubts the worries and the fears all unfolding before her. She'd tried so, so hard to be exactly what Tony expected of her. Of what everyone expected of her. She was smart in her classes. She was well behaved. She tried to be what Tony had been at her age; a prodigy. Even though she wasn't.
The few secrets she'd held close to her chest--some locked deep and hidden, never to see the light of day--had been the last of what felt like her life, before it had completely crumbled. Spider-Woman was the only thing that let her know she was important, that she was okay. If she could save other people, if she could make sure that others were okay, surely she must be okay too.
"Was it a dare? Or did you make that idiotic decision on your own? To get kidnapped and Happy hurt and Rhodey paralyzed and everyone else worried out of their minds." Her breath caught. Paralyzed. "Do you think that you can do this all on your own? That some radiation and spider experimentation means that you can do whatever you want, willy nilly?"
"I don't--"
"No, this is where you zip it, all right? The adult is talking. What if somebody had died tonight? What if Rhodey had? What if Phoenix had taken the weapons they'd wanted? Because I can assure you that they don't want them to make sure everyone holds hands. Different story, right? ‘Cause that’s on you. And if you died, that's on me," he paused, but she didn't notice the fear and the guilt, as though he were reliving the moment he spoke of. All she could think of was what she'd done. And about what she hadn't done, "I'm still waiting on the why. Why leave? Why lie? Why trust Natasha and not me?"
"I didn't tell her," Penny muttered, "She found out."
"And then you swore her to secrecy. You made her promise not to tell me, because...? Because you don't trust me? Is there anything that can make me trustworthy in your eyes? What the hell do you need, Penny!?"
"I need for my life to be normal again!" she spat, not even noticing as she sprung up onto her feet, her eyes watering as she yelled, "I need to not be a celebrity! I need to see my friends and feel free in my own home without people breathing down my neck all the time! I need my dad to be here when I feel like I'm dying or losing my mind, like May and Ben always used to!!!" Her voice broke, "I wish I was just a Parker again! I wish I wasn't your daughter!!!"
Tony flinched. Tears slipped down her cheeks. They stared at each other, tense silence that stretched in thick tension between them. A storm ready to break.
She'd already broken.
Without a word, the man stalked over to her. He didn't make eye contact with her, didn't say anything. He didn't even look at her. He brushed past Penny, grabbing the bright red suit sprawled on the hospital bed.
She didn't watch him as he did, staring straight ahead at the offending wall, her breaths gasping. She couldn't think. All she could feel was regret. Her hands trembled with it, her legs shaking in fear at her own words.
Her father walked past her again, the suit clutched in an angry fist. He left.
A sob tore from her throat.
2) This one will be spoilers for the next chap for my Ashes fic, but I figure its been so long ive got to throw some bread crumbs
Tony smiled at the thought, but it quickly disappeared when the teenager flinched, followed by a guttural whine. Nightmares, he guessed.
As he was pondering what to do, his muggy mind failing him, he caught sight of a familiar matted figure. His eyes lit up at the sight of Platty sitting on top of the white hospital blanket. Moving without thinking, he reached out for it, tucking the stuffed animal up to Penny's collar. He followed the action by hugging her closer to him and pressing a kiss to her forehead.
She didn't flinch again, but the twitching and whimpering continued. He tried his best to urge her past whatever nightmares were tormenting her, rubbing soothing circles into her back and peppering kisses onto her hairline whenever there was a pained murmur.
It took a few minutes, but, finally, Penny stilled. Tony wasn't sure whether it had been his comfort or if the nightmare had simply run its course, but he couldn't find the energy to understand which. With the danger of Penny's pain gone, his eyes began to droop again, dark eyes slipping until he was consumed by slight snores.
The two were stuck in the motion of instinctual comfort. A teenager tucked against her dad's side, her cheek draped against his shoulder. A man's head curled into his daughter's hairline, asleep mid-comforting kiss. Between them, a yellow stuffed animal buoyed warmth and familiarity.
1) I just love this scene. ive very rarely ended fics so far and i loved trying it out (* ̄3 ̄)╭
"Boss, Mr. Parker is back."
Tony glanced up from where he was working in the lab, looking away from his newest project to smile brightly at the ceiling. He stood up, wiping his oily hands off on his equally oily pants, finally conceding to grab a cloth and rub the slick grease from his fingers. The mechanic gave the new project one last glance before throwing the cloth down on the nearest table and stepping toward the elevator.
"Great. Tell him I'm on my--"
Knock! Knock! Knock!
Tony turned, a confused expression turning into a small smile as he caught sight of the red and blue figure stuck on the window, waving at the mechanic in excitement. He rolled his eyes, walking over and undoing the latch on the window to let the teenager finally at a healthy weight roll into the room.
"I'm gonna start putting bug spray around the apartment until you learn to use a door," Tony warned. Peter pulled his mask off, revealing hair pulled down by sweat and a bright smile. They grew brighter and brighter every day. The teenager rammed a shoulder into Tony's playfully.
"Why can't a window be a door?"
"Because it's a window."
"Old houses in the south used to be able to transform between windows and doors to evade taxes."
Tony considered him. "How do you know this?"
"Decathlon."
Tony rolled his eyes, unsure of how he hadn't guessed that. He was going to the kid's competition next week for heaven's sake!
"Well, this is not the old south. We use doors here."
"That's less fun."
"Yeah, yeah. Go wash up for dinner."
"But it's barely five! I was going to go out again."
"Should've thought about that earlier," Tony teased. "It's family dinner night. And don't you have an essay due?"
Peter mumbled, but listened nonetheless, beginning to pad away towards the elevator to go up to their apartment suite, when there was the ringing of an oncoming call. Both of their heads turned as a screen popped up, displaying an unknown number, untraceable too. Tony and Peter exchanged raised eyebrows as the kid walked back over.
"What is this, Fri?"
"It is an incoming call from the phone Captain Rogers sent you."
Peter glanced between him and the screen warily. "That means there's a problem, doesn't it?"
"Probably," Tony admitted.
He turned to the kid, patting the kid's back and fixing him with a steady stare. Peter's doe eyes attached to his, trusting in a way that had been growing exponentially recently. Tony hadn't known it was possible to look at someone with that much trust. That much love. Especially from a kid whose first interaction with Tony had ended up in him running away, but life had become steadily calm, steadily trusting, as the days had gone by. As the months had. A few bumps in the road and a couple of mishaps, some bigger than others along the way, but good nonetheless. Yeah, life was good.
Tony liked to think he was right most of the time, but even he knew he was pretty hit or miss on how to remain any kind of relationship. But this--Tony knew he'd been right. His purpose was to protect Peter. And he loved every second of it.
"But if it is, I'll keep you safe. We'll fix it together."
Peter's lips tugged in a trusting smile. He held out a fist. "Together. MacaTony--"
Tony returned the fist bump lightly with a roll of his eyes, grinning as he caught sight of their shadows switching, "--And Peter-butter."
Whatever Steve was calling for, neither would be going in alone. They were never alone.
Their shadows made sure of it.
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in the off chance that you see this...
will you let me know if you do?
my little 12 year old heart fell for you stupid fast. it was literally love at first sight and it wasnt because you were cute (bc lets face it you are good looking). looking back, its crazy how much i loved you, or thought i loved you. we didnt really know each other at all, but i was SO obsessed. i still cant explain why, but as a 20 year old i think that was the time i was beginning to show signs of anxiety/depression and honestly, needed something else to focus on. you also know i just have an addictive/obsessive personality.
i remember we talked about those stupid young times and you said you were sorry for how you treated me back then. but i have to say you never did anything explicitly wrong. i didnt know how to handle my emotions and thoughts, i mean i still dont and thats why this even exists right?
i remember crying myself to sleep over you, i remember hiding in school toilets because of you, i remember SO MUCH. i was truly in so much pain!!
it wasnt just you of course. i didnt get much sleep bc i was always talking to this other friend that i never really talked to you about. i was also really struggling with the whole popularity thing at that time, and just wanted to quit being a popular girl at school. i know that sounds dumb, but being popular really wasnt fun, at least for me. i could never say what i truly thought because i had to care for so many people. i would always accidentally exclude people if i got closer to one friend because everyone wanted to be that one close friend, and that made me feel like i had to keep a distance from everyone. i could never be sad because other people thought i had everything. and i know that sounds pathetic but those are the things 12 year old girls think about i guess. anyway back to us
i tried a lot of things to ‘get over you’. it was so fucking stupid. i wore rubber bands and snapped myself every time i thought of you. would you laugh if i said that my arms would be COMPLETELY red in an hour? i also tried to like other guys who were genuinely sweet to me, but for some reason just thought they didnt measure up to you, even though you were giving me absolutely nothing (no hate just stating facts)
but eventually i did. and i just didnt think anything of you anymore - not in a bad way, i just didnt have an opinion. we didnt interact in school, i think til h3, because of math class.
i had no fucking clue that your ex girlfriend minded me. honestly if i knew i wouldnt have sat next to you!! i thought i would be the last person she minded - after all, you broke my fucking heart without even trying, you know? if i liked you so much and still couldnt get you to like me, why would i think she would mind me? i dont know, sometimes im bad at logic i guess
anyway, i still didnt think anything of you. we had nice chats, but that was it. i think you would agree. ive actually spent a lot of time reflecting - were we flirty? did we ever cross boundaries? i remember how you told me you wanted to break up with your girlfriend. i remember thinking it was cuz of christina - it had never crossed my mind that you would like me. but it turns out it was me!?
now. this is the part that has bothered me the entire fucking time we dated again. does this mean we betrayed eliza? was she right in being mad? was this emotional cheating? i really dont know but i know now to not get involved in a relationship with someone who has just gotten out of one, because my mind will not stop thinking.
i hope you would agree that we had a good relationship. i wasnt cutting much anymore and generally gave less fucks about other people - something i have REVERSED back into now. but theres this part of me who wants to suffer. sounds dramatic but its true. if im honest, i was always torn between being a cool, chilled girlfriend and picking random fights, and making you upset on purpose. because thats what i did with MY exes and i knew doing those things would make me better feel your love. i also knew i was fucking crazy for even thinking about doing those things, but having a good relationship just wasnt...i dont know. i dont know how to receive love without it being fucked up in some way.
i would say the final 8 months of us dating was us being so careful with one another. i dont know what happened actually. maybe we just grew and changed. maybe i fucked up. i dont know. but it was fucking weird. sometimes we were fine and sometimes we werent. i really didnt know if you still loved me
coming back to taipei for the 2nd time, i got hit by this big wave of anxiety and panic about the future. something i learnt recently in school is that depression and anxiety often come back in relapses. like 70& of patients experience episodes again. of course, i chose not to open up to you. i knew you wouldnt understand. i know this is just my mind thinking stupid things, but in my brain youre perfect and never upset. you never overthink and never look back with regret on things. i guess thats the impression youve made on me since year 8. but me? i think back way too often and hurt myself. i dwell on past things, and now suddenly im dwelling on future things as well.
this is getting too annoying. long story short, i went to therapy and they referred me to a psychiatrist. i got medication. and that was still in the time we were together. i didnt tell you and im sorry about that. i dont know if im feeling better now. but i do think about how things could have been different if i wasnt me. if i wasnt so anxious and DEPRESSED would we have worked? if i wasnt so depressed in year 8, would i be different?
im not kidding when i say i dont want to be me. do you like being you? of course you do because youre you. but im me
you know that cheesy line where it goes something like ‘maybe in another universe, we would have worked out’. its fucking cheesy. but i really hope that there is another universe where hannah is different and is someone who can truly accept love from you, knows how to handle it and not let it go to waste
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asks (26)
@spickerzocker said:
hey there! just a heads up that i tried to click on the "why i don't ship" explanation link in your faq and it says that there is no post with that url/it's generally broken. also your "a conversation about recovery" thing is beautiful and hurts in the best way and i love it. have a nice day!
Yes, I intentionally took that link down awhile ago, and last night I went and updated some of the tabs on my blog. Here are my basic thoughts:
I wrote that link years and years ago, while I was first navigating the internet and while I was still figuring out important things about my own identity and opinions. I ran my blog differently back then, but by the end of the first few months, I knew I was uncomfortable with shipping.
As people began to interact with me and my work, I told them over and over again no, I don’t want to talk about that, and I don’t want to write about it, and it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t think that was a common position to take at the time, so it wasn’t what people expected from me.
During those years, I felt like I had to justify myself and give a valid explanation. I wrote that post explaining why I had that boundary, and I put it in a place where anyone could find it.
I said no when people asked, let them make jokes about it, and made jokes about it myself in response. As time went on I got more and more exasperated when I had to repeat myself. I wrote definite rules into my ask box, request tab, and FAQ. People still asked. I wrote it into my description. People still asked.
The truth is yeah, there’s a pretty simple explanation for my discomfort. It makes sense. It’s easy to understand, and most folks think it’s a “good enough” reason to leave me alone. The difference between young-me and current-me is that I no longer feel the need to justify myself.
None of y’all need to know why I set the boundaries that I set. My explanation isn’t relevant, and I’m not obligated to give it. I said no. That’s enough.
I think a good number of folks remember my explanation from the past, and I don’t mind that at all. There may be a time where I talk about it again, in a more appropriate context, so I guess we’ll see.
That’s a lot of information in response to a very helpful ask. Thanks! The link is gone now, and I’m so pleased that you enjoyed the fic :)
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Anonymous said:
U suck
Kenza sent this anon as a joke. She’s right, and I thank her.
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Anonymous said:
I'm a doctor and ive seen it all.....but the milk fic made me gag
Excellent
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@wingedskyes said:
Ah. Wait. I wasn't on anon....uhm. oh well. It's fine. I like milk and am not ashamed. 😆
I don’t think I received another message from you actually, but I too like milk and I’m glad we’re on the same page
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@thelittleredheadedmusician said:
To add to the milk discussions: my best friend from home and best friend from college have each finished a gallon a milk by themselves within 2 days.
I do that too, every once in awhile. When the milk craving hits it’s a gallon a day
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Anonymous said:
"TIM! POUR HIM. A GLASS OF M A L K!"
Hold on I have to google some things
Yeah this is funny
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Anonymous said:
I have read that milk fic three separate times and every time I’m laughing just as hard as Tim and dick by the end it’s just so excellently executed and builds so perfectly that by the time dick cracks I’m ready to go too and I just lose it it’s amazing I love it
Awww anon I’m so pleased :)
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@the-smartass-under-the-mountain said:
Just wanted to drop by and say your recent fic with Tim antagonizing Damian with increasingly outrageous milk concoctions had me giggling. It was so cute and refreshing to see Dick enjoying Tim's little prank. And Bruce's reaction to just... walk away was fantastic!
Thank you! I’m always so thrilled when y’all think the jokes hit
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@njtheboywonder said:
I havnt really enjoyed a fic in years, but i stopped to read ur fanfic with tim drinking milk just to fuck w dami amd it made me smile. Thanks, for writing it.
Oh that warms my heart <3
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@bruciewayneisbatman said:
Tim Is totally the guy who would drink ridiculous amounts of dalgona coffee to annoy damian, according to that fic.
Had to google that one, but I guess so huh
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Anonymous said:
(diff anon) but that birthday fic was so good oml and you have opened my eyes as to the batfam in quarantine this is such a Concept
We’re all here dying..... together...
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Anonymous said:
Happy birthday! 🎉 or belated! 🎂 thank you for being in the fandom. 😊
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Anonymous said:
To anon! Sorry. I forgot to add that! Anyway, thanks to them we get a lovely fic. I hope you have many more birthdays! 😊
Message for you anon
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Anonymous said:
Your writing gives off good vibes
Hear that guys I “passed my vibe check.” Is that what the youth say these days? I am an elder now and I do not know
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Anonymous said:
finding your blog while being relatively new to batman fandom is such a bliss. your batfam content especially is *chef's kiss* amazing.
Thank you my darling :) I’m glad you’re here
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Anonymous said:
Best line in a fic? Hard to pick just one, but this particular one from "Just Desserts" by fyeahbatmanandrobin on Tumblr is one of my faves: “Anyone else would be hard-pressed to provide the particular brand of excitement you bring to my life, Dami.”
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@noisypaintersong said:
For the line thing: "I don't doubt it. Bruce Wayne, the unexpectedly normal guy wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a superhero wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a fake socialite wrapped in a businessman wrapped in a secretive billionaire." He paused. "…You're the seven-layer burrito of Gotham," he pondered. - Barry to Bruce in 'Of Friends and Foes' by Paganpunk2 on FFN. It's one of the funniest things I've read someone say to Bruce LOL
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@kirakats submitted:
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Anonymous said:
“I do know that according to everyone else, there is no chance, no future, no universe where I stay a hero.” Describes my frustration with the way DC treats Damian so accurately. Let the kid be a hero dammit.
Thanks! That’s really helpful. I’ve got a decent answer to my question now.
@kurawastaken submitted:
So this is Kenza retaliating against me for the milk fic. I very much hate tomatoes and specifically ketchup. This photo (1) is a nightmare and (2) fulfills its intended purpose.
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Anonymous said:
I love your blog!!!
And I love you
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Anonymous said:
quick question: how do you think jason reconciles with the fam?? i think in the comics they kinda just reboot and now he’s on better terms. but like what conversations happened, yknow??? (you’re doin great work by the way, it rips out my heart but it’s great)
This is an amazing question, and I’ll be thinking about it for the next bit, I think. That would be a really interesting topic to explore in depth
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@angel-gidget said:
*hugs you real tight* would you please send this to the first 10 people in your dash? Make sure someone gets a hug today and stay safe!
Oh thank you for the hug <3
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Anonymous said:
I hadn’t been aware of that Memphis petition, but I live in Memphis too (Altho I know you said you just grew up there so you may not be living here currently haha) so ig I just wanted to say thanks for bringing it to my attention!
!!!
I’ve been in Texas for six years now, ever since I started school, but I’m still in and out of Memphis for family purposes. Love the trash heap of my birth
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@damianwaynerocks said:
hey! any chance you know of any other dc heroes around damian’s age?
Sure! You could try Billy Batson, Jon Kent, or Maya Ducard
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Anonymous said:
hi! i don't know if it's okay to leave anons like these but ive been feeling down because my country has passed a bill that deprives us of lots of human rights freedom and i want you to know that i just found your blog through the damian/bruce + justice fic and it comforted me. im slowly going thru your works and so far they are all comforting. i love your stuff, thank you.
Philippines? I’ve heard some things, and I’m real sorry y’all’re going through that. I don’t know that there’s anything I could say about that to help, but I hope you’re finding joy somewhere
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@awesomeness-ofgaybitches said:
Tumblr hates you. The links in your bio and to your fic masterlist don't work on mobile. I'm sorry.
FUCK
#I'd like to also take this opportunity to note that at this time#I have blocked 7 people for variations on#okay no ships but what about sailboats??#but what about the TITANIC#here's a picture of the bat-boat tho#guess what kids it's not creative or funny#and I explicitly said that jokes will get you blocked#I follow through#asks
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So uh it’s my birthday today. I’m now 25 years old and it feels just so fucking weird to say that I made it into my mid twenties. I know we are in 2021 now and I’m hoping for a more positive year but I have to say through the shit storm that 2020 was I’m happy to have survived.
In 2020 I learned a lot of things. I learned that I need to speak up more and not let my voice be drowned out even if it’s not something people want to hear if they don’t agree with me. I’ve learned that it’s okay to be myself and even though I hate myself there are people who love me for exactly who I am. I learned that you can find friends or family in the strangest of places such as the people I’ve met here on Tumblr and the lovely people I’ve met on Twitter. I’ve learned that we as the middle and younger generations can have a voice and can change the corrupt system we are living in. Albeit slowly but change is possible. Ive learned to not let people take advantage of me. Whether it be my kindness or my problems with saying no even if I don’t consent to something. I’ve learned to be unapologetically me, and to embrace myself including my fucked up side because the sooner I do that the happier I will be and the more open I am to healthy change. I’ve learned a lot about myself and learned that it’s okay to ask for help.
**** TW // SH & Suicide ****
I struggled severely in 2020 with my mental health and hide it pretty well. I’m not proud of that. It was like opening back up my old self again, a place I thought I long left behind. In this year alone I struggled with myself and ended up breaking my over a year achievement of being clean from self harm. I hurt myself and in turn that was like flipping a switch or opening the flood gates. Once more I couldn’t stop and anything that set me off I took the pain away myself instead of talking or the other methods of coping I grew to know in the past. It was hard and devastating to my mental health doing that to myself again. However as of writing this I am 2 weeks clean again. Back on the path of healing myself. This wasn’t the only thing I struggled with however... I also had thought about and made 2 minor attempts on my life this past year. Something again I thought I was free from as it had been years since my last attempt. Once in September and the most recent one being 2 weeks ago. I am doing better now and have since then reached out to a few people and have been looking into getting professional help. The reason I mention this is because I want to say how I understand how fucking hard life is. I know how struggling can seem endless and like you’re drowning with no end in sight except one. I’m here to say and remind you that’s not the answer. There are so many better things you can do and you are worth so fucking much to people. There is a way out and it’s okay to struggle and it’s okay to ask for help. I’m here for you and just know you are not alone.
2020 was the most chaotic time in my life thus far. From the pandemic, to losing my job, to online college, to being in the process of buying my first home. And so much more. Not to mention all the political and other struggles of the world. It was a year of a few ups but many catastrophic downs. However we are still standing and there is a reason for that. We are strong and we have voices and we can get through this. You are never alone.
So as I sit here with existential dread on my 25th Birthday, let me just say thank you to anyone and everyone who I have interacted with on here and on Twitter. I hope 2021 brings us all the love and positivity we all deserve. I was going to tag a bunch of people on this to say thank you for interacting with me but as this got a bit more personal I’m thinking at some point I’ll make a second post for that.
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i am posting this here because i am tired of burdening my boyfriend with my feelings. this is a little nsfw. and this is my call for help. i dont know who to talk to anymore about this.
i need someone to hear what i feel
or at least, a free space to say what i feel
im in a low place. i feel so awful about myself and my body and i hate this feeling. i hate that this time last year, i was so happy about the way i looked. i was working this awful job that had me so overworked and overtired and poorly treated that i skipped meals and slept through meals regularly... i lost so much weight from stress in just a year and was the skinniest i had ever been. mentally, i was not in a good place being exploited by my managers... but my self esteem re: my body was at a new level i never knew could exist for me.
last year, i felt powerful and confident about my body, and i expressed that through sexuality. i was fucking my ex that i still liked (i grew out of wanting him back, but he never did, and it was nice to have the upper hand). i was also fucking an old fwb that i stayed friends with, that was also recently single, so we reunited again at the perfect time. i was also seeing this one guy (now my boyfriend) so if ever i got tired of the sex i at least was able to calm down and settle down with someone who genuinely wanted to know me. of course, i ended up catching feelings for this guy, and cut off the other two to pursue something more serious (we are now dating and are moving in together next month!) anyways, it was so nice to be wanted. to feel... i guess sexy? sex is empowering. and it shouldn’t be taboo to say that as a woman, or anyone really. i dont want to give off the message that a woman’s validation is fueled by men’s desire - but hey, don’t you feel flattered when someone thinks you’re attractive? desire and lust aren’t everything... but they matter. and they have an impact on how you feel about yourself, whether or not you believe me when i say that is up to you.
and i hate that i would gladly put myself through the stress that i did just to feel happy about my body. before the summer ended, i finally had enough and i quit my shitty job. i was jobless for a month, but was able to enjoy the rest of the summer with my new ‘skinny’ body - last year i took my first bikini picture ... a 2 piece! i have never done that. i still think about how happy i was that summer to look and feel good about myself.
i have struggled with self esteem issues since highschool. i always felt like i was too big. i used to follow all these blogs of pretty people and try to copy their poses to feel pretty and i used to spend hours after school trying on short dresses and clothes to stare at my body in the mirror. i used to starve myself to the point of literally wanting to faint on the daily, until finally i admitted it to one of my teachers. she respectfully asked if i wanted to speak with the school guidance counsellor, and i declined. but she encouraged me to speak up to at least a friend, so i did, and it helped, and for a long time, i was okay. after i graduated that teacher still checked up on me for a few years every now and again.
4th year university was when i realized how much i had let myself go. i was the heaviest i had ever been, it was my graduating year, i was looking for a job and was always worried about my grades. every time i was stressed or every time i needed to study i bought pad thai and bubble tea. a ritual. i didnt realize how much that had caught up to me until i saw old pictures of myself. at this point, i started my (shitty) job, straight out of graduation.
i actively avoided scales, i didn’t like looking at the number because it just made me upset. and i already felt upset looking in the mirror, i didn’t need something else to make me upset. but i did. and i was 20 pounds heavier than i was in highschool - the heaviest i had ever been.
i cried.
i didnt do much about it. i was too busy. my first job out of uni was a brand new daycare and i was head teacher of a toddler class - also i was the only staff on floor since there were not as many kids. there was nobody to train me, at all. i had to teach myself everything. i had no time.
a little while before starting the job, i met this guy. he was so hot, but such a dick - we had a “thing” but it was so toxic. he started off interested in me, but i turned him down. his attitude changed and he started being a douche, but we became friends because we were seeing each other so often. i didn’t have a car yet. he was driving me everywhere. he lived 5 minutes away. he was the type of friend that would text me “im outside, lets go out”. we hung out as friends at first, we would have “study dates”, until we started hooking up. we acted like a thing but he denied we were ever one - but got mad at me whenever i tried to look elsewhere. but i guess in that time, it was nice to be wanted, especially by someone so attractive.
but again, a year in that shithole job went by fast. i would stay late after work. i would come in on weekends. i was expected to not only help new kids transition, but train new partners. and given that my supers refused to support me, i watched a lot of people quit due to pressure. i had to keep retraining. and kids kept coming. that never stopped. i can honestly say my class wasn’t settled until december, and i started in september. everyday it was ‘its fine, it will get better’.
a year in that shithole, with 0 support, and i lost all the weight i gained - and more. i was the skinniest i had ever been. even in highschool. i looked at old pictures of myself from when i started the job at my heaviest. i couldnt believe that was me. and i was so happy looking at myself in the mirror. for once!
after i quit that job, i started another job that i hoped would be a happy ending.
and it wasn’t. it stressed me out just as much. i also moved out by this point, a month after i started this job. my hours are whack. 7-9, 11:30-6. i woke up early and got home late. i never had free time. my last shift at my old job was 7-3:30 and i had the whole day to myself. im someone that needs social interaction and alone time, and by the time i got home i was so tired, i would just cook, clean, shower, and go to bed. and that was my life. sometimes i would get so tired that i couldn’t cook, i just went and ate out. i tried to make personal time with my friends after work but by the time i reached their house, it was late, and places were closed. and id have to leave early anyways because i had work early the next day... so fast food was the only way to make this work. on top of this, this was the most difficult class that i had ever had. the kids behaviours’ were so difficult and i couldn’t handle it. i would cry in my car 3x a week. i would cry 4 minutes before my shift starts in the washroom and walk out and pretend i was okay. i would have my boyfriend come over as much as i could just so i could cry in his arms. i couldnt leave this job because i had just moved out and having a consistent rent payment was a huge responsibility for me. as well, if you know anything about ECEs in canada, just know we make shit pay. but this job pays me better than most ECE jobs... by a landslide. AND gives me benefits, which is so hard to find. i am still at this job - i was at my breaking point at the time covid started, so i was rejoicing when we closed for covid. i havent worked since march, but i needed that time off so desperately.
with that being said, i gained the weight back.
not everything, but i definitely could tell i was packing on some pounds.
cue covid.
i havent worked since march. i fell back into a lazy routine of ordering fast food. lying in bed. resting. just enjoying NOT dealing with my difficult class.
but i gained it all back. and i think im back at my heaviest weight. i picked up all my summer clothes from last year from my moms... half of them dont fit me. my favourite pair of shorts won’t close. i just sat and cried in a mess of clothes on my floor in front of the mirror. this was last week.
im trying to tell myself, ‘you’re in the middle of a global pandemic, go easy on yourself’... but do you know what it’s like to finally get what you’re chasing, and have it be taken away from you? i finally had a taste of what it was like to look AND feel good about myself. something ive wanted since i was a teenager...and it’s gone. it’s my fault and i accept that, so please don’t tell me i did this to myself. i know i did. but i can still be upset about it. i look in the mirror and i try to suck my stomach in and pretend nothing changed but its not the same. i see old pictures of myself, especially that bikini pic. ironically, i captioned it “i will never have the confidence to take a bikini pic again”... and here we are. i look at the clothes i wore last year and remember how fucking good i felt wearing them. i try putting them back on and seeing my stomach bulging and my arms looking fat and my love handles, something i didn’t see last year. and i just take them off and opt to wear something frumpier that doesnt hug my figure.
i try to tell people about how i feel but i cant take those ‘love yourself and all your flaws’ campaigns seriously. i dont think i can listen to another ‘you have to just keep faking it until you make it and if u just tell urself ur beautiful u will feel beautiful!’
because if you’re me, you know you cant kid yourself. if you’re me you can’t ‘love every flaw’. you fixate on them. and you let them define you. and if youre me, flaws are all you see.
i hate myself for getting back to this point.
i have a very supportive boyfriend that knows about all this, who is trying to actively get me to go on runs with him. we are trying to go for walks more and be out and about. he reminds me of little things, like if we are getting bubbletea he will suggest i go with less sugar. he is trying, we are trying. and i appreciate him so much.
today i complained in my car about this to my boyfriend, again. for the millionth time. and he still was supportive. but i just feel like i cant keep doing this to him. he said something today, which i think was him trying to give me a reality check to show me that i cant just wish i could starve myself and overwork myself to lose weight and call it a day... but it stung. he said “i don’t want to be with someone that’s not healthy. i have standards too” and i realized then he deserves so much better than to fucking babysit my complaining ass. i am 24. and i shouldnt be putting this on him. he is an adult with problems just as real as mine and i shouldnt be burdening him with this anymore.
im scared to talk to him about how that comment made me feel, because he’s so right, and he has every right to leave me. i would honestly. the amount that i worry and fixate on all my flaws and complain and have crying breakdowns about this is not fucking normal. and it shouldnt be his problem. i just want him to be with someone that doesnt give him this baggage. he met me in my ‘prime’ days when i just started getting my skinny body last year. when we finally started dating, we were super sexually active. and i mean, having sex like 15 times a week. im not kidding. now we havent had sex in almost an entire month. i dont feel sexy anymore and its impacting my sex drive.. he tries to start it with me and i just can’t because i feel like he is probably repulsed by my body. this is a huge huge huge problem, seeing as sex was a huge part of our relationship (we are very emotionally in tune with one another, but sex was a great addon because we both love it so much). i hate the way i look without clothes on. i cant bring myself to do it because it makes me feel like shit about myself.
but we are moving in together next month. and that is a huge step. and i am worried that i will never change, and he’s going to feel like he’s stuck with me because he’s moving 40 minutes away from his hometown to live with me. i almost want us to break up so he can be with someone with less baggage but i also love him and i want to be better for him and for us.
someone please help me.
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recent life realizations
finished taran wanderer and realized that all my life ive been thinking about what im MEANT to do in life but actually life is just about experiencing life itself and that i should stress less and just try to gain as many experiences as possible. i had this realization but did i actually change anything about my life? ....no
also bc of this book i was convinced i have to leave aom*ri (my fuck nowhere j*pan residence) bc sometimes you have to leave places you are for your own personal growth but at the same time i KNOW that in amer*ca nothing is waiting for me besides 9-5 forever
realized that ever since i was 7 i have been convinced that i am fundamentally WRONG as a person so i’m always psychoanalyzing myself at any given moment. but i’ve tried to stop this bc i realize that the harsher i am to myself the harsher i am to other people. which is why i hate my life so much bc i judge other people SO much but there’s literally no point bc all it does is make ME angry at not only other people (who are just being normal human beings) and myself.
simultaneously i think i’m the best and worst person in the world. it got worse bc i grew up being told i was ugly/fat/stupid (lol @ growing up w only skinny KOOL AZNs around me) and now that i’m 23 and live in j*pan ALL i hear is that i’m cute. my head is so fucking big now which makes me want to leave this rural countryside where i get xenophobic-ly mAcroaggressed every day but i also probably only get this much love BECAUSE this is the countryside and everyone’s standards are lower lol
i FEEL like i have no drive or initiative or ambition anymore and i’m not good at coming up with new ideas or making decision but i KNOW i wasn’t like that as a good and i’m worried that i made myself become this way bc i’m an asn girl loooool. how do i unlearn this...
i have INCREDIBLE fomo seeing all my 22 year old friends finishing grad school or getting hired at big 3 companies in their respective fields or getting published or getting married or going on incredible overseas vacations while im like... doing nothing except reading books (ive read 97 books so far in 2019). can older people please give me advice bc i want to be successful in life more than anything so i can feel validated and so i can provide for my mom and dad and grandma
speaking of my grandma i’m depressed about going to k*rea for winter break bc i know i will just be locked up in her apartment again. im happy she finally got running water but seeing her decrepit just watching TV every day and doing nothing else is so depressing to me. and she has like dementia so that’s already hard but then the krn nationalism hits and i get SO angry at how old krn ppl live (whenever i see a haraboji hauling those HUGE carts of cardboard i wanna die). ALSO i hate that she expresses her love by feeding me and buying me things when i LITERALLY spend more money in one month than she probably gets in a year (im not rich she’s just poor). ALSO bc she’s such a traumatized human being she can only interact w me by yelling at me and getting angry. bro fuck the krn war lol
i still can’t believe that not everyone always has my best interests at heart. ever since graduating college my life has literally just been people hurting me in new and more inventive ways every day. OR i learn new ways to hide my true self and avoid potential sources of hurt every day. is life always going to be like this... where the HELL is my open and accepting community that will love me (i don’t even care about this anymore i just want to be ACCEPTED WHOLLY) and receive my love and where we are all genuine and caring
posting all this bc i miss the time when everyone would overshare on this website. also remember when we used to make tumblr friends so easily? maybe that’s just bc i was in f*ndoms back then but i miss being able to find all these people on the internet who I FELT LIKE understood me more than anyone in real life ever did. oh also just writing this right now i just realized i never had actual real friends growing up lol. ok bye thanks for reading
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Silver Jews- Random Rules
I first heard about David Berman and his band Silver Jews a while ago, as they were one of those bands you heard about if you were a Pavement fan. But sadly, I never got around to listening to them until now.
Stephen Malkmus and David Berman went to the University of Virginia and later moved together to Hoboken, New Jersey. There Malkmus, along with their other roommate Bob Nastanovich, played with additional bandmates as Pavement, and together with Berman they formed the Silver Jews, although Berman soon remained the only constant member of the band.
When I discovered that David Berman had passed away and read the many quotes from his songs posted online by friends and fans, I finally spent some time listening to his music. There are just so many great lines in these songs. For instance, from Random Rules, posted above- “In 1984, I was hospitalized for approaching perfection/ Slowly screwing my way across Europe, they had to make a correction”. It’s a funny opener and the whole song is filled with quotable lyrics. Towards the end are the lyrics “I asked the painter why the roads are colored black/ He said, ‘Steve, it’s because people leave/And no highway will bring them back’.” So many of his songs are like this, the humor mixed with the pathos.
Silver Jews disbanded in 2009 and Berman quit making music for awhile. In 2011 he started a blog. In May, ten years after he stopped making music, he released the album Purple Mountains. The lyrics to the songs on this album, including the one below, are poignant, made even more so after his death. In a recent interview with Exclaim!, he discusses each song off that album.
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Purple Mountains- All My Happiness Is Gone (song starts 2:06)
He also wrote poetry, and this poem, from his book Actual Air, is just so incredible I’m presenting it in its entirety (via poemhunter).
Self- Portrait at 28
I know it's a bad title but I'm giving it to myself as a gift on a day nearly canceled by sunlight when the entire hill is approaching the ideal of Virginia brochured with goldenrod and loblolly and I think "at least I have not woken up with a bloody knife in my hand" by then having absently wandered one hundred yards from the house while still seated in this chair with my eyes closed. It is a certain hill the one I imagine when I hear the word "hill" and if the apocalypse turns out to be a world-wide nervous breakdown if our five billion minds collapse at once well I'd call that a surprise ending and this hill would still be beautiful a place I wouldn't mind dying alone or with you.
I am trying to get at something and I want to talk very plainly to you so that we are both comforted by the honesty. You see there is a window by my desk I stare out when I am stuck though the outdoors has rarely inspired me to write and I don't know why I keep staring at it. My childhood hasn't made good material either mostly being a mulch of white minutes with a few stand out moments, popping tar bubbles on the driveway in the summer a certain amount of pride at school everytime they called it "our sun" and playing football when the only play was "go out long" are what stand out now. If squeezed for more information I can remember old clock radios with flipping metal numbers and an entree called Surf and Turf. As a way of getting in touch with my origins every night I set the alarm clock for the time I was born so that waking up becomes a historical reenactment and the first thing I do is take a reading of the day and try to flow with it like when you're riding a mechanical bull and you strain to learn the pattern quickly so you don't inadverantly resist it.
II two I can't remember being born and no one else can remember it either even the doctor who I met years later at a cocktail party. It's one of the little disappointments that makes you think about getting away going to Holly Springs or Coral Gables and taking a room on the square with a landlady whose hands are scored by disinfectant, telling the people you meet that you are from Alaska, and listen to what they have to say about Alaska until you have learned much more about Alaska than you ever will about Holly Springs or Coral Gables. Sometimes I am buying a newspaper in a strange city and think "I am about to learn what it's like to live here." Oftentimes there is a news item about the complaints of homeowners who live beside the airport and I realize that I read an article on this subject nearly once a year and always receive the same image. I am in bed late at night in my house near the airport listening to the jets fly overhead a strange wife sleeping beside me. In my mind, the bedroom is an amalgamation of various cold medicine commercial sets (there is always a box of tissue on the nightstand). I know these recurring news articles are clues, flaws in the design though I haven't figured out how to string them together yet, but I've begun to notice that the same people are dying over and over again, for instance Minnie Pearl who died this year for the fourth time in four years.
III three Today is the first day of Lent and once again I'm not really sure what it is. How many more years will I let pass before I take the trouble to ask someone? It reminds of this morning when you were getting ready for work. I was sitting by the space heater numbly watching you dress and when you asked why I never wear a robe I had so many good reasons I didn't know where to begin. If you were cool in high school you didn't ask too many questions. You could tell who'd been to last night's big metal concert by the new t-shirts in the hallway. You didn't have to ask and that's what cool was: the ability to deduct to know without asking. And the pressure to simulate coolness means not asking when you don't know, which is why kids grow ever more stupid. A yearbook's endpages, filled with promises to stay in touch, stand as proof of the uselessness of a teenager's promise. Not like I'm dying for a letter from the class stoner ten years on but... Do you remember the way the girls would call out "love you!" conveniently leaving out the "I" as if they didn't want to commit to their own declarations. I agree that the "I" is a pretty heavy concept and hope you won't get uncomfortable if I should go into some deeper stuff here.
IV four There are things I've given up on like recording funny answering machine messages. It's part of growing older and the human race as a group has matured along the same lines. It seems our comedy dates the quickest. If you laugh out loud at Shakespeare's jokes I hope you won't be insulted if I say you're trying too hard. Even sketches from the original Saturday Night Live seem slow-witted and obvious now. It's just that our advances are irrepressible. Nowadays little kids can't even set up lemonade stands. It makes people too self-conscious about the past, though try explaining that to a kid. I'm not saying it should be this way. All this new technology will eventually give us new feelings that will never completely displace the old ones leaving everyone feeling quite nervous and split in two. We will travel to Mars even as folks on Earth are still ripping open potato chip bags with their teeth. Why? I don't have the time or intelligence to make all the connections like my friend Gordon (this is a true story) who grew up in Braintree Massachusetts and had never pictured a brain snagged in a tree until I brought it up. He'd never broken the name down to its parts. By then it was too late. He had moved to Coral Gables.
V five The hill out my window is still looking beautiful suffused in a kind of gold national park light and it seems to say, I'm sorry the world could not possibly use another poem about Orpheus but I'm available if you're not working on a self-portrait or anything. I'm watching my dog have nightmares, twitching and whining on the office floor and I try to imagine what beast has cornered him in the meadow where his dreams are set. I'm just letting the day be what it is: a place for a large number of things to gather and interact -- not even a place but an occasion a reality for real things. Friends warned me not to get too psychedelic or religious with this piece: "They won't accept it if it's too psychedelic or religious," but these are valid topics and I'm the one with the dog twitching on the floor possibly dreaming of me that part of me that would beat a dog for no good reason no reason that a dog could see. I am trying to get at something so simple that I have to talk plainly so the words don't disfigure it and if it turns out that what I say is untrue then at least let it be harmless like a leaky boat in the reeds that is bothering no one. VI six I can't trust the accuracy of my own memories, many of them having blended with sentimental telephone and margarine commercials plainly ruined by Madison Avenue though no one seems to call the advertising world "Madison Avenue" anymore. Have they moved? Let's get an update on this. But first I have some business to take care of. I walked out to the hill behind our house which looks positively Alaskan today and it would be easier to explain this if I had a picture to show you but I was with our young dog and he was running through the tall grass like running through the tall grass is all of life together until a bird calls or he finds a beer can and that thing fills all the space in his head. You see, his mind can only hold one thought at a time and when he finally hears me call his name he looks up and cocks his head and for a single moment my voice is everything: Self-portrait at 28.
There is only so much time to read, listen to, and see all the wonderful things people have created. David Berman made work well worth spending some of that precious time on.
Rest in Peace.
#david berman#silver jews#purple mountains#music#musicians#writers#poetry#books#playlist#pavement#stephen malkmus#rip
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I have definitely been struggling to write this all down... between my distractions and my pride, i have too much and not enough to write down. At first, I was going to completely dig up everything... I was gonna touch more on the toxic relationship I just removed myself from, and kind of vent about the existential i guess realizations i haven't really explained all of to anyone. i've been nervous about someone seeing my innermost thoughts(why not keep it to myself? kept in secret in my own journal) but maybe it can help someone to share some of it. maybe it will help me. or maybe i should do it just because it takes me out of my comfort zone. anyways, im just gonna jump into it and get hella personal before i overthink it more so if i know you personally, this isn’t exactly something I feel is healthy to dwell and talk on anymore after this. even though the story of the end of my relationship with my ex last month goes a long while before this, what started to turn my life upside down recently was when i started short term therapy, which i'm hoping to increase. i thought it would help to go to get some advice on coping with my anxiety, and secretly, to get some objective advice on what i was only beginning to suspect was a toxic relationship. my counselor pointed out to me the emotional manipulation i was being subjected to, and why i was letting it happen... she pointed me in a direction that would start to change my entire perspective on my life. when i told her about the way my mother is and was to me growing up, she pointed out to me how spot on the way i turned out ended up being when you're the daughter of a mother with narcissistic personality disorder. why i have so much anxiety and why i'm such a pushover and especially susceptible to not just attracting toxic relationships in my life, but desiring them. the familiar is most comfortable, whether it's what is healthy for us or not, and recognition of that has only been the first step. I began after this to really analyze everyone in my life, especially my gf at the time. I knew I was being taken for granted, and that i was not taking a lot of red flags as seriously as i should have. But I didn't even know where to begin to address it. The battles i faced daily for 18 years of my life shaped me into someone who avoids confrontation as a means of survival. i have gotten better, and i thought i was past the point of not being able to speak up and say no to things that make me uncomfortable, but it's still a struggle. as experiences where im taken advantage of make me ever more uncomfortable, i get a little closer each time to handling it the right way. Sometimes, it takes an especially frustrating experience to really push me, such as one i had with a new friend at a kickback who took advantage of my inability to be firm especially while intoxicated so she could continue unwanted physical sexual contact. i felt uncomfortably taken advantage of, as small of a transgression as it was, and it was because i recognized how weak i was through my submission to someone I was supposed to be comfortable with because of my fear of offense, of saying no. that same get together, i grew close with a girl i met there, and i started to repeat the toxic cycle I find myself in. right in front of me i saw myself growing towards someone absolutely unavailable, which i realized was one of my problems- i was seeking the (especially emotionally) unavailable. all of this happened throughout the end of may into june, while I was in an open relationship with my ex who barely talked to me, but that wasn't even the beginning of my journey with addressing what was in front of me with them and finding the strength to let go. It broke my heart to let go, and i still feel guilty to have been the one to ask for my ex back last january and then be the one to give up this last june, but i know what is going to be healthiest for me. I was fighting for someone emotionally unavailable who led me on that they could be open, and that they could change. I ignored all the early red flags, like the blatant and serious lying, feeling myself turn into someone I didn’t want to be, their serious inability to commit and lack of respect held for me as well as being taken for granted. Their inability to communicate, even when we needed it most and more lies and excuses for inexcusable behavior. I fell victim to the sweet promise of change, of going back to the way things were before true colors were shown. I ignored for so long what it meant when they could make time for their friends but never for me, not even when we had not seen or hardly spoken to eachother in weeks, with our interactions slowly diminished into them being glued to their phone when we would finally get to hang out, mostly ignoring my repeated attempts at conversation for a couple hours until they wanted me to fuck them. i feel sad that i put so much energy towards someone who wanted me to fight for them, who expected me to run after them, yet still refused to even look back or fight for me when i was the one leaving. refused to even react, just sit in their room and be fine. Its only been an affirmation of toxicity. giving up is hard for me, and giving up the love i feel for someone is the hardest decision i have ever made, but the sickness in my relationship made it easy, once i started to recognize it and see that I deserve an equally reciprocated love. i was stuck on all this for a while, but now the wounds are healing and i can assess the damage and try to grow. i have always had a big soft heart, a softness someone would be lucky to have despite the pain I have endured. But my heart is finally too tired of trying to be loved- it's grown cold in a way that that i'm reluctant to recover from. Ive come to terms that my mother will never love me unconditionally, and the same with my father, and with it is my drive to believe in and seek out a love like that elsewhere, a love that could match the kind I want so badly to give. I finally know what its like to have walls up in my heart that have a solid foundation, walls that even I, who alone knows every weakness in it, can see it as almost to impenetrable for comfort. I have no desire anymore for those who can't show me that i'm wanted just as equally in their life, a desire that has me leaving many behind. I've begun the recognition stage with everyone in my life now, and i'm learning the value of watching for the people who genuinely want me in their lives enough to make real effort and letting go of those who don't have my best interests in mind and can't participate in a healthy and equal giving/reciprocating relationship. but managing my relationships is only a small sliver of my journey, and counseling has taught me that. the solution to all of my problems lies within myself already. when i hit rock bottom i realized just how much weight i put into my relationships, and especially the wrong ones, and that has been a major building block for my journey. learning to love myself, by myself, is just as important to my healing process as identifying the issues that come from my upbringing. learning to peacefully live with myself, which includes my anxieties and shortcomings, is the only way to start a path away from choosing the wrong people in my life, and letting them affect me so greatly. i can't focus on someone else in the way they deserve without first coming from a healthy mindset ready to take on that challenge. i've been improving and working on that, and progress has definitely been good 👌🏼i'm no longer self harming and having ideations because of anyone else's actions, and i've finally got a crucial lesson through my head: nobody except for myself is going to make me better. no amount of anyone else's advice or support will make me secure enough in myself to overcome my anxiety, and i can't wait for someone to come along and help me, i have to do it myself and move on. because nobody will be there, that sign will never come and i only have myself for sure in my life, and only I can go that extra mile for myself. i have to work on the very way i think, and i can't blame myself for the steps i have to take to get there. it's hard not comparing my journey to someone else's but i have to remember that my journey towards happiness is mine alone, and learning to be happy alone is the first step. it's been hard for those who know me to understand when i work on being alone, and i do feel sorry for how not responding to them can make them feel but i know what i need to do in my daily life to work on overall happiness and to maintain my emotional individuality, as it's something i'm often too quick to give up. so that's it's for now, this was a long one lol and i don't think i'll edit it since i'm tired of writing so i'll start smaller stuff later
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